Chapter Text
Instead of tensing, as Wang is subconsciously prepared for, In relaxes in his warm hands. In exhales softly and closes his eyes. They slept late, but they’re both still exhausted, physically and emotionally, so everything feels like slow motion. Wang’s shoulder is tucked under In’s arm, head on his shoulder and a hand resting softly on In’s stomach; his fingers absentmindedly trace along the hair just below In’s navel. In turns to press a kiss to the top of Wang’s head. Wang stills his hand, laying it flat on In’s skin, pushing just a little, so that he can adjust to look up at In. In has already laid his head back on the pillow, though. His eyes are closed. There is no worry on his forehead or strain on his face of any kind. Wang’s fingers again skim lazily down In’s torso, as he turns his head further into In’s body, his lips brush against In’s chest. For every bit of last night’s passion and release, there is quiet tenderness today.
Realizing the time and hearing the grumble of Wang’s stomach, In clears his throat, “We should probably clean up.”
There is one downside to In’s studio apartment - the bathroom, with barely enough room for two people in the entire space and a shower that’s cramped even for one. They take turns.
Wang is dressed first, and sits on the side of the bed watching In move through his routine, absorbing the moment and trying rather unsuccessfully to push away the insecurities that crowd his mind.
He feels like everything has changed - wants desperately for everything to have changed. But has it? Even though they just talked about Fiji, does In really feel the same here in the daylight, out of the morning-after haze? He doesn’t want to leave In’s apartment and break the spell they cast last night. If he’s not here, if they’re not here together, in this close, quiet, private place, will In have second thoughts? Will he go back to the depths that held him for 20 years? Once In grabbed his hand and pulled him from the club all the way here, Wang was too caught up to think about the consequences of this for him if In was just lost in a moment. In had, after all, done what Wang had asked - he had taken that step forward. But will years of guilt and responsibility catch up to In again and force him to push Wang away? He isn’t sure he’ll survive another rejection, especially not now, after knowing how In’s lips feel, the way he tastes, what it’s like to …
“Wang?” In’s soft voice sneaks into Wang’s spiraling thoughts.
With some effort, Wang pushes them away, “What? Oh. Sorry. I was just wondering what now?”
In raises an eyebrow.
“Oh no no no, not a big ‘what now?’, just a little ‘what now?’. What are the plans for today? I’m hoping your plans have changed a little between yesterday afternoon and today. Mine have. At least, I hope mine have, but that depends on you.”
“So, we’re not going to talk about last night?” There’s still an inscrutable look on In’s face.
“Can we not? Not yet anyway.”
In is intrigued by this Wang in front of him now. On his bed, in fact; that’s going to take some getting used to. Wang, the young man who always wants everything out in the open, the man who doesn’t shy away from making his feelings known.
“Well, I guess we can avoid the elephant in the room for a little while longer. But it’ll get a bit crowded in here, so let’s go get something to eat. I just need to make a call to tidy something up. Have you checked your phone? Do you need to let Piyawat know you’re ok. Or” In pauses, taking a little bite out of that elephant, “Mol?" Another pause. “I’m going to go out front to make my call. Meet you down there. My keys are on the side table. Lock the door behind you on your way out.”
Wang hadn’t turned his phone on since he hung up on his mom last night while they were at the flower market. He hadn’t even thought about his phone, and certainly not her, what with all the other activities keeping him occupied. Keeping it off all morning wasn’t conscious, necessarily, but he was happy not to have let Mol steal his joy for at least a few hours - just this once. Maybe not ever again.
Piyawat would worry a little, but it wasn’t the first time Wang had stayed out all night.
When Wang turns on his phone, it’s as he expected. Mol has blown it up with text messages and calls - beginning with anger, moving on to guilt-ridden pleas, then finally sarcasm and resignation before ceasing finally at 3am or so.
There were exactly two texts from Piyawat.
11:45pm: Did I just see you leave with that (handsome) professor?
10:17am: No need to share the details, but let me know you’re ok when you come up for air.
He clicks out a quick “all good. cu later,” reply to Piyawat, tucks the phone into his pocket, grabs his wallet and In’s keys, and then heads out, pausing just a moment at the door to catch his breath.
"... thing came up. I can't meet today. We'll have to talk about it later. Ok. I'll call you tonight. Bye."
As In finishes his call, he feels Wang approaching and turns to see a smirk on the young man's face. "So your plans did change?"
"I thought we weren't going to talk about it yet," smiling right back at Wang.
"Alright alright, you got me. Is there a coffee shop around here?"
"There is. And a park nearby, too."
"Coffee first."
Wang knows In lives far enough from campus that he really shouldn't be anxious about running into anyone either of them knows. And Wang isn't thinking about himself. He's worried more about In, who seems eerily calm. He truly doesn't want to talk about this yet, because he wants to enjoy the moment for as long as he can. Talking about it could bring reality crashing down on them. But at the same time, it's eating at him, preventing him from enjoying himself when he should be in complete bliss after the last 12 hours.
"Wang?"
"What?"
"I've got our coffee. Want to sit for a minute?"
"Oh. Ok. Yes."
"I know you said you don't want to talk about this, but that's the second time I've lost you today. Are you sure you're ok? Do you need to be doing something else? Do you want to be somewhere else? You don't have to be with me today just because of last night, I promise. And if you really don't want to talk about it, I respect that. At the same time, though, it seems like you're thinking about it, and it's weird because from what I remember, you usually do want to talk about whatever it is that's on your mind."
Wang drops his forearms onto the table and lays his forehead down on them, breathing deeply into the gap between his body and the thick oak. After a moment, he lifts his head and runs his hands through his hair. With his elbows on the table, resting his head in his hands, he keeps his gaze down, staring at a small pockmark on the edge of the wood. He can't look at In right now.
"I don't know. This doesn't feel real." Looking at his coffee, "Can we take these outside? It’s suffocating in here."
Without a word, In stands. He wants to reach for Wang but resists. Last night, he thought he was done hesitating, but out here is different from his apartment. He's never felt so exposed.
He leads Wang out of the shop towards the park, a respectable distance between them.
The silence is excruciating, but In lets it hang over them as Wang walks alongside, still staring down into his coffee cup.
Wang didn't get a lid for his. He's comforted by its black depths and heady aroma. Black coffee is the one tangible memory he kept with him from Chiang Mai. He traded the comfort of his father's globe for the comfort, and pain, of a new daily ritual.
He wants to walk. He wants to sit. He doesn’t know what he wants. He does know what he wants. He’s afraid to ask for it, again. He thought it was settled, but he doesn’t trust it. If he’s honest with himself, he doesn’t trust In. And that’s the worst part. Because he loves In more than he’s ever loved anyone, but how can he really if he doesn’t trust him with his heart? What is love, if not that?
There’s a tug at his elbow just before a bike zooms past, too close. In pulls Wang to a bench just off the path. That space is there between them again, but they are where they seem most comfortable, even after these few years - side by side. In is reminded that this is exactly how they always open up to each other. “I don’t want to force you to talk about something you’re not ready for, but you’re so distracted at this point, I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt. Also, where’s my Wang who barrels through walls and boundaries? Who did I wake up next to? Do you regret this and you just don’t know how to tell me?”
“That’s what you think? That I regret last night?”
“I don’t know what to think because you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Last night was the best night of my life - the whole thing, from the moment I saw you walk in the door at the party, not just after we got to your apartment. How could I possibly regret that?”
“Well it’s not like you said that, and you’ve been so quiet this morning. Reflective? Distant? I don’t know which.”
“Yeah, reflective, because last time I thought we made decisions, it turns out I was the only one making them. Distant because I pulled too hard then. But it turns out I pushed harder. How am I supposed to know that you didn’t just get caught up in the heat and the music last night? How can I trust you?”
And there it is. That takes the air out of In’s lungs. Siam thought he could trust In with his confession and In abandoned him instead. Trying to save Siam and himself, In betrayed him. And then, trying to save Wang (from what, exactly?), he betrayed him, too. How can Wang trust him?
“Wang.” He pauses. “I am realizing for the first time since we got in the elevator to leave the party that this is not going to be easy. I thought that if you still had feelings for me, that it would all fall into place once I was able to admit mine. But things were shattered across two generations. I did that, and know now that I need to be the one to pick up the pieces left behind. I promise that I will earn every piece of your heart. You say you love me. But I don’t deserve your love, yet. I will, though. It might not always be pretty. I know there are going to be bumps, but can you trust me just one day at a time? Trust me now, today? I’ll pick up another piece every day. And that’s how we will put ourselves back together. I’m pretty sure that we’re the only two who can put ourselves back together again.”
He’d forgotten they’re out in a park on a sunny, May afternoon. But as he looks around, no one is paying attention to them, so he reaches for Wang’s thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.
Well that’s a start, thinks Wang. The words were good, perfect in fact. But the touch here in the day in the park says so much more. As hard as it’s going to be to go against his own instincts for a while, he needs In to lead. It’s the only way he’ll know for sure. And he even has to be careful about asking for what he wants. Will In’s overwhelming sense of obligation to others create something that’s not real, a dutiful relationship instead of the deeper connection that Wang knows is possible.
They finally turn to face each other. When Wang puts his hand on In’s, even though In doesn’t move his hand away, Wang does feel him flinch. No, this isn’t going to be as easy as “I love you” was.
“I think I can do that,” he says anyway. “Now, can we please get some food?”