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Wang stuck with his decision to do what Mol asked and go back to college, though this would be the last huge favor he did for her. She was paying, after all, so why not. But since leaving Chiang Mai, he had slowly begun to extricate himself from her grasp. He only wore her necklace when he was with her. He lived in the dorms instead of her apartment. He returned her calls but didn't always pick up when he could have. He didn't react to her little passive-aggressive digs or take the bait when she was fishing for compliments with her self-deprecation. He doubted she even noticed, honestly, but for him, it helped.
She didn't care what he studied, and after finishing The Symposium when they got home, he had realized that he'd been right about philosophy. What he would do with a degree in philosophy, he didn't know, but it made him happy and kept her off his back for the most part.
Her remake of Engraved in Your Heart that they were scouting when he found their way to In's home had been a huge success. She won best director again the next year. And, in something of an effort to connect with Wang (but mostly to keep winning awards), she even remade another one of her fairytales with two male leads. That had turned out to be an even bigger hit, though awards season for this one hadn't come around yet.
Only a couple of Wang's friends know that there was someone in his life a while back - someone he couldn't seem to get over but he never told them much about. Mainly, he'd just get quiet when the subject of exes came up. Wang didn't really seem to want to do much besides study and read (he always had something beyond the class materials even), and his classmates wondered how someone so good looking and with a mom like his could be such an introvert. They had long ago stopped asking him to go to events with them, but tonight was a networking party for upperclassmen in the philosophy department. It would be good for all of them to help figure out what was next, so they cajoled him into going to "just this one thing".
***
At the event, Wang was talking to a group of classmates when his eyes were drawn to the door just as In entered.
Everything else went black, almost like he was going to pass out; he was lightheaded, even.
He stopped listening - went completely silent.
His friends noticed. Piyawat knew the stoic architecture professor who had arrived, but didn't know his connection to Wang. Clearly there was one. Why in the world had Wang gone pale, though?
In didn't see Wang, and Wang wasn't sure whether to run, hide, or just get the confrontation out of the way now. How awkward could it be? It had been three years, after all.
Wang decided not to run. Or to hide. That wasn't like him. His heart was pounding, palms sweating, all of it, while he stood there, staring at In, waiting for the man to somehow feel his gaze.
***
In greeted two or three people on his way through the crowd to the kitchen for something to drink - no one of any consequence. He would be lying if he said he hadn't wondered whether a certain someone with an interest in philosophy may be here. He hadn't searched for Wang since they'd said goodbye, but had he meticulously arranged his life so that they may meet again? He had.
In the years since he watched Mol drive Wang away from his house, much had changed, though there were a few things that hadn't.
He left the house more.
He went to the guest bedroom to watch a little TV now and then. Usually the news, and sometimes even a drama to see what all the fuss was about.
He stopped drinking alcohol. What the hell good had drinking brought any of them anyway?
He found a therapist.
But.
He still couldn't cross Wang's bridge. It was for the villagers, anyway, not him, he told himself.
He couldn't completely forgive himself for abandoning Siam.
And he still couldn't stop thinking about Wang and how incredibly fulfilled he had been for those few short days and stormy nights.
Early on, he had been scared he was confusing his feelings for Siam with feelings for Wang. And he probably was - at first.
But something changed the day before Mol returned from the awards, and though he was terrified to admit it, he was drawn to Wang in a way he had never been drawn to anyone before - not even Siam. But anyone, everyone, would be drawn to Wang. The young man was magnetic. And In didn't want Wang to waste his energy, kindness, and yes, love, on him.
In was used to being alone, lonely even. He would be fine. But to allow Wang into the world of guilt and shame that he occupied when they'd met, and to essentially force Wang to be a therapist to an old, broken man was too much to ask, even though it meant saying goodbye.
He was also certain that Wang didn't believe his "maybe one day" in that bedroom after they'd held each other. After so much back and forth those few days, Wang probably figured In was a lost cause - too stuck to do anything besides live in his beautiful cage in the middle of nowhere and read and think, but not actually do anything.
But In did mean it. Well, he at least meant to try to get to "maybe one day".
He wasn't going to hold Wang back, though, or ask Wang to wait for him. That would be unfair. So he watched Wang go that morning.
But maybe, just maybe, if In started moving around in the world again instead of staying in one place, their lines could converge once more.
So he took those baby steps. And bigger ones.
He paid the bills with private contracts to design mountain houses for entertainment types. And little more than a year after Wang left, he decided he'd try teaching again and found a position as an adjunct professor at a university in Bangkok during the summer semester. That way he didn't have to completely give up his house and the peace of Chiang Mai. In spite of the perfection and details of his home, though, he really was a simple man with few requirements, easily living in a small apartment not terribly far from the campus for a few months each year while he was in the city.
The first summer was uneventful and he went back to Chiang Mai in October having made a friend and a couple acquaintances but nothing more. There had even been a little moment with an office worker friend-of-a-friend kind of guy who he’d met at an event. They hit it off and the guy went out on a limb and gave In his number. A couple days later, In did the same and called. They went to dinner and to a handful of museums over the summer. It was nice. But In figured out pretty quickly that he wasn't ready to hold hands or kiss, even in private. Whether it was because he was scared to be out or because he only thought of Wang, he wasn't quite sure. Maybe both. Probably both.
The friend In made was Kantee, a philosophy instructor, but he specifically didn't ask many questions about the department or its students. When Kantee asked him if he would like to go to an event they were having for the upperclassmen, though, In eagerly accepted.
***
Wang decided he wouldn't approach In. What was he even doing here? He had so many questions, though he told himself he was ok without knowing the answers. He had offered himself up to In only to be rejected again and again and had no interest in repeating the experience.
Still, he wouldn't run or hide, though. Staying here to make connections was important. His not-ex wouldn't derail his plans, and if it ended up that they found each other or that In found him, then so be it.
God, In looked good, though. He stood tall when he walked in. He must know at least a couple people here to have that kind of confidence right in the door. He was definitely looking around for someone. Wang could see the question in his eyes. He wasn't wearing his typical green, but a dark gray linen (it was summer, after all) shirt and jeans. One thing definitely hadn't changed; In still left the top three buttons of his shirt undone.
Dammit, this might be a problem, after all.
No. Wang was determined to stay put. He composed himself and rejoined his friends' conversation.
***
In had texted Kantee when he left the apartment to make sure he was already there, and he told In he'd probably be in the kitchen. It's where he always ended up.
The home was huge, a penthouse owned by some big corporate somebody who assuaged his own capitalist guilt by running with the intellectual set. Hosting networking events for philosophy students scratched a couple itches for the guy.
The gathering wasn't enormous, but it wasn't intimate, either. From what In could tell, there were several groups of students and professors throughout the apartment, though he didn't look too closely at any of them. With the open floor plan, the kitchen was easy to spot, and he went straight for it. He was quickly losing any nerve he'd built up over the last few days. He hadn't eaten much today, so some hors d'oeuvres and a seltzer water would be a good way to get his bearings.
But, honestly, who knows if Wang was here anyway. In never tried to find out. He just thought that maybe there was a chance. It's a small world, and Bangkok is even smaller.
In found his friend holding a bottle of wine. Kantee waved him over and offered a glass. He politely declined and found something for himself; seltzer water doesn't quite settle the nerves like wine, but add a little cranberry juice and lime, and you've got a passable drink that no one will ask about. Besides, once he gets talking and is introduced to a few new people, he'll adjust to the rhythm of this thing. They're all the same. Even philosophers make nearly unbearable small talk at first - at least until a few of them get drunk enough to start debating the nature of love. By then, In will be long gone.
***
Wang watched In go to the kitchen. So that's who he was looking for. He must know professor Saenotwisuk. Even so, what is he doing here? Is he really out socializing ? And why a networking event for philosophy students, of all things? Could there possibly be something between In and the professor? They were close in age, though not really temperament, from what Wang could tell. Professor Saenotwisuk was outgoing, chatty. Had he managed to pull In out of the water a bit? He didn't seem forceful enough, but if there was no tragic history or narcissist blockade, maybe he didn't need to be.
And now Wang had to rejoin the conversation again. It wasn't hard to jump back in, though; they were still talking about the recent elections.
Once In got his drink and a couple of pieces of fruit, he moved to join Kantee and a few other professors and students talking about weather and city traffic. Then they changed the subject to television and how the shows were ahead of the rest of the country and its politicians. Kantee tugged at In's sleeve, "Didn't you say that you went to college with the director Sasiwimol?"
In, with a courteous but not much more than that, smile, "Yes."
"What is she like? Do you still talk to her? Why did she decide to remake Yark Yood Tawan Wai Tee Plai Fah as a BL? It seemed like she only wanted to play it safe."
In, still smiling, but a little tighter now, "I haven't spoken to her in some time, so I'm not sure."
And then Kantee's eyes brightened, "Oh! I've just remembered that her son was in my ethics class last year. Do you know him? Maybe he's here. He probably is because he didn't seem one to want to stick around Bangkok long after graduation, so something like this would be good for him."
In clinched his jaw briefly, hopefully not noticeably, "Yes, he was with Mol the last time I saw her, a few years back."
"We should go find him then, so you can say hello."
Before In could protest, he was being pulled through the apartment, between pods of conversations, stopping and starting again as Kantee tried to figure out who was where and whether Wang was in each group.
Then, in what felt like an instant and also an eternity, as Kantee wedged the two of them into a small circle of students, In was standing across from Wang.
Wang was listening to his neighbor go on about the elections and concentrating deeply on the man’s face to see if he really believed what he was saying. Wang hadn't yet noticed that their group had grown by two until Piyawat acknowledged the intruders, "Hey, professor, who's your friend?"
And there it was, such an unceremonious moment for something In had considered, and yes even dreamed about once or twice, since he came to Chula. How could it be like this? In a crowded downtown Bangkok apartment, with all these people around? Maybe it was good that it was so different from the way they'd been in Chiang Mai.
But In was frozen. All he could see was Wang and all he could hear was an echo of his friend introducing him to the group.
Wang's face dropped ever so slightly when he saw In. In had to look away quickly to hide his own disappointment. Maybe this had been a bad idea.
Wang was still wearing a black wide-necked t-shirt and black jeans - with, In noticed, no necklace breaking the lines of his collarbones.
And had he, even in his 20s, grown taller?
In forced a smile and nodded to everyone in turn, saving Wang for last. When he'd gathered the quick courage to make eye contact again, Wang had recovered his composure, and there was the tiniest hint of a smirk on his lips that even reached his eyes. At least, In thought he saw it.
Mainly, though, on his face was his signature intensity. The stare that made In crumble inside - and wish he was a better man, worthy of Wang. The eyes that made In want to walk across the space in that circle and pull Wang to him - and, well frankly, shove him against the wall and kiss him, too.
Yes, there was that magnetism again. Did everyone react to Wang this way? Surely, In couldn't be the only one.
Of course, it was too much to hope that Wang was free, or willing, or that their history could be overcome. So In simply smiled and said, "Sawasdee khrap."
***
Wang notices In's choice to remain formal - understandable, given the environment and the time that has passed. It's also for the best since it at least means Wang won't have to explain a casual greeting to Piyawat later.
But if he's honest, it still stings. Does In see him flinch? Does anyone else?
Professor Saenotwisuk tells the group, "I brought the professor over because he knows Wang's mother, so a quick hello is in order, at least. And perhaps he'll be comfortable with you all since he already knows someone here."
Again, nods all around while Wang and In's eyes meet across the space of the circle.
"I've got to grab another glass of wine. In, you'll be ok here with Wang and his friends, right?"
Piyawat, eagerly grabbing the opportunity to pry a little, breaks the awkward silence by asking an even more awkward question (it's really a talent he has), "When was the last time you two saw each other? Has it been a while?"
In spite of being friends and sometime roommates these last three years, Wang is still largely a mystery to Piyawat, and everyone else here. His politics and philosophy are crystal clear, but everything else about him is opaque.
In and Wang look at each other again, silently negotiating who will answer. In nods, giving Wang permission to be the one since these are his friends. Pursing his lips briefly to acknowledge the gesture, Wang coolly replies, "My mom and I spent a few days at the professor's house when she was scouting locations for Engraved in Your Heart. I came here not long after, so that was the last time we saw each other."
Wang's vague, somewhat cold answer saddens In. Wang kept nothing inside at Chiang Mai. The Wang he knew may not have given every detail, considering, but it would have been a warmer description, no doubt. Had he turned Wang into someone who protects himself, even from his friends? Is he giving himself too much credit?
Wang looks to his friends to confirm that is all the information they'll get from him on this subject. It should be enough.
They look at Wang, then at In, who is staring at the floor, and move on. Piyawat, since he's the other person in the group In is acquainted with, asks "Professor, when did you get back to Bangkok for the semester?" Back to the excruciating small talk, it seems.
"Just a couple weeks ago. I don't need much time to get settled. Since I was here last year, I have a pretty good handle on it."
Wang raises his head at the mention of In being here last summer. He'd had no idea. They had missed each other, anyway, because Wang took those months to slide just a few degrees from longitude 100.31. Mol had worried, of course, but Wang had a phone and money, and only went as far as Singapore.
In uses the opportunity to catch Wang's eye, again trying to silently negotiate peace after this latest revelation. Wang's friends aren't completely oblivious, and having had enough of whatever this is, they not so subtly rearrange themselves to move Wang and In next to each other in the small circle.
***
"It's good to see you."
"You, too."
"I need a drink, do you want me to get you a refill? What are you drinking?"
"It's just seltzer water, cranberry, and lime, but you know I'm particular, so I'll come with you and make it myself."
"Nothing else?"
"Not anymore."
"Oh."
"What about you?"
"Just another Coke for me."
They ask the group if anyone wants anything, but all decline - thankful to be rid of these two.
In leads the way through the maze of conversations to the kitchen while Wang is drawn behind him and this seemingly newfound confidence.
They split up to navigate through the kitchen for their drinks. There's a bar area for In's and refrigerator for Wang's. Why does In already find this unpleasant - being separated from Wang, even just a few feet for just a few moments? Again, maybe this was a bad idea, though it's too late now.
***
The last three years have been fulfilling for In - to a point. Intellectually, definitely. Personally, a bit. There has still been that emptiness, though, an emptiness he thought was left by Siam and could never be filled. But after the tearful confessions, even without forgiveness from himself, while the hole may not have been filled, it felt at least covered over somehow. As time went by, In was sure that with the help of his therapist and work, he'd be able to move beyond his solitary existence.
And yet.
Yet, there seemed to be another, albeit less tragic and potentially less permanent, emptiness now, as if a different part of him was missing.
Would making these arrangements backfire? What if, as his therapist cautioned, finding Wang didn't change anything, because the issues were his and his alone. What if, worse, finding Wang proved how broken he really was, and he only hurt Wang again?
***
Wang makes his way alone to the obscenely large fridge for his Coke.
This is just supposed to be a networking event. He's here to make connections - find potential couches to crash on after he graduates next year.
Seeing In was not in the realm of possibilities for tonight, and it's thrown him completely off axis. He could surely get his drink at the bar, but he needs to be away from In for a minute to get his bearings.
What is happening? This seems too much to be a coincidence. But if In planned it, why not find him last summer? Why wait?
And In does know Professor Saenotwisuk, it seems, so maybe it is an accident, rather than In taking a page from Wang's book. Wang would be quite impressed if that were the case, though. And a little hopeful, too.
But the professor had dragged In over. Would In have even wanted to be here if he knew Wang was? And the way he'd looked practically downtrodden during the greetings.
Wang knows that In could love him, had thought in those days that maybe he already did. After three years of silence, though, he's given up hoping that In would accept those feelings - Wang's or his own. So, no, Wang will not get his hopes up again.
He takes in the coolness of the open fridge. Inhale-2-3-4-5, hold-2-3-4-5, exhale-2-3-4-5. One more time. Grab a Coke, close the door, and head to the bar. Got it. You can do this.
Wang makes his way to the bar where In has just finished squeezing a lime wedge into his glass. With all his strength, Wang resists the urge to wrap his arms around In from behind and rest his chin on the man's shoulder. Instead, he coolly slides to In's side and turns to face him, hip leaning against the bar. He swallows a mouthful of Coke, looks In dead in the eyes and asks, "What the Hell?"
***
A little flinch, a question in his eyes. Then a grin. In arches an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. Almost.
"You haven't changed. You still like to challenge people."
"And you're still talking to me that way. From a distance."
"We're at a university event. It's been three years."
"Yes. Three years." Wang leaves it there. What else is there to say? He doesn't break their eye contact.
How long can they do this? Here, at the bar, in the crowd, before anyone notices? In reaches for Wang's arm, though he pulls back before touching him, "A walk?"
Now Wang flinches. He's here to start working out his plans, but he has an entire year to do that. He texts Piyawat that he's leaving.
***
In knows there's a balcony somewhere here, but it's a nice night and there will be too many people there - people at least one of them knows. He gulps from his fresh drink, takes the few steps needed to place the nearly full glass in the sink, and heads for the elevator.
Wang doesn't even have a chance to acknowledge In's question (or was it a command?), much less answer it. Stunned to see In walking away, he leaves his Coke on the counter and follows.
Standing side by side just inches apart, the ride is long, full of expectation, and silent. Seventy-three floors is a long way, even in a private express elevator.
It's crowded out here on the riverbank, too, though not with anyone they know. In spots a bend in the railing that during the day is a photo spot for tourists. At night, only the lights of the cityscape and bridges over the river's black water are visible.
As In leans forward, resting his elbows on the railing, he stares into the darkness below and feels Wang approach. Wang remains upright, hands in his pockets, half a step behind - seemingly towering over In.
Quiet. Waiting.
For what?
An explanation? An apology? A confession? Would any of those be enough?
In turns toward Wang. There is little space between them and the railing is at his back.
"How have you been?"
"Fine."
"How's Mol?"
"The same."
In hadn't really thought much past the possibility of finding Wang. All that time and all that thinking, how had he not figured out what he would say? What now?
Silence.
How long do I let him suffer like this, Wang wonders.
It's a little bit fun.
It's also difficult to keep his eyes from drifting down to In's mouth, or with his open shirt, lower. It's virtually impossible not to reach for him.
Just a little bit longer. Give him a chance to get beyond pleasantries.
"What were you doing there?"
"It is a philosophy department event. I'm studying philosophy. Why wouldn't I be there? Why were you there?"
"Kantee - Professor Saenotwisuk, I mean - invited me. He thinks I should get out and talk to people more."
"Are you two friends?"
Same old transparent Wang. In knows he's asking more. He's jealous? "Yes, we met last summer at a faculty luncheon. He's a nice guy, helped me find my way around when I first started."
He leaves Wang hanging. Not long, though. In smiles, "His girlfriend Darha is kind, too. They make sure I don't let myself get too lonely while I'm in town."
Wang takes a small step away, turns toward the street with his back against the rail. The grin on his face gives away that he knows In picked up on his flash of jealous curiosity.
In turns to face the river.
They both smile and exhale.
In stands up and turns to Wang, "Can we walk, or find somewhere to sit?"
"Let's sit."
There is a bench just a few meters away, but far enough from the building that any partygoers leaving aren't likely to spot them. It faces the river - city lights and bridges over a thick, black ribbon.
They sit simultaneously, leaving a space between themselves in the silence. After a moment (or was it an hour?), In turns slightly to face Wang who retains his posture and heading, upright and straight ahead. "Can we talk? Will you talk to me?"
Wang remembers saying something a lot like this, overlooking another bridge - his bridge. If, instead of answering, he gives In space to keep talking, will he? He waits a beat.
"I wish I knew what to say to you. We're so different. You are bold and know your heart. I am weak and a coward. I thought I could protect myself and those I love by fading into the background. But that has only caused more pain. I thought distance would allow my wounds to heal. They have festered.
"I realized last year that I have hidden myself away in my mountain cage for too long. I could not go to you if I was still hiding. And I am still not sure I'm ready to risk going to you, but I am done hiding. If I can step out of my safe zone so that our lines may cross, maybe we can figure out how to be in each other's lives. We've met again. Being completely without you is no longer an option. But you deserve so much more than who I am. You deserve someone without shared tragedy. Someone Mol can accept. So I will not ask if you somehow still feel the same. You shouldn't. If you don't, if you've moved on, I will not ask you to try to again. I only ask you to be in my life somehow."
Wang leans forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. This is not what he thought this night would be when he left the dorm earlier, and he can't quite catch his breath.
In gives Wang time now.
Wang recovers slightly, though now he's breathing heavily, instead of not at all. He sits back again, upright. He can't look at In so he stares ahead.
"First of all, you are no coward. You just think you can make everyone happy by not taking sides. But then, I think you've figured out, no one is happy."
He turns to face In because In needs to understand this more than anything else, "And you do not get to tell me what I deserve and, especially, what I shouldn't feel."
Wang's throat tightens as the memories of that morning come back. He faces forward again, unable to look at In, "What you did. What you let her do. To me. To you. I can't go through it again. She hasn’t changed. Not really. One silly BL remake means nothing in the real world. But you are right about one thing; I do deserve someone who will be with me without fear. The thing is, I only want that someone to be you. I know it can be you. And yes, I'll be in your life, but I will not run to you again. It's your turn to run to something, instead of away from it. When you're ready, I’m here."
In looks at Wang, who is facing the river. He wishes he had a fraction of the confidence in himself that Wang does.
There is nothing else for him to say. After a few deep breaths, he stands, "Can we go get something to eat? I only had a couple bites up there, and I'm getting shaky. I'm sure there's at least one Khao tom spot open nearby."
***
Wang checks his phone and finds a place not even a kilometer away. It'll be crowded, but a little wait is fine. After about 20 minutes outside, a table opens up. It is full inside, but not terribly loud.
Once they order their food, they return to the small talk at first. It doesn't take them long, though, to run out of that; they're not really small talk people. Covering the last three years comes next. In tells Wang about the houses he's designed - including one for the producer of Engraved in Your Heart. He talks about going back to teaching.
"The students are great and I enjoy being here for the summers. But I can't live in the city full time. I got used to solitude, and Kantee and Darha can be a little much, especially with their match-making. I know they just want to help me, but I'm not interested." He looks down at his soup.
"Match-making, huh?" Wang cocks his head.
"Yeah, but I think it's more about having a couple to go on double dates with than it is about finding someone for me. They're very active, energetic people. I'm not sure how they ended up befriending me, honestly."
Wang grins, "Very smooth."
"What?"
"The way you brought up match-making but then moved right on past it. Like I said: smooth."
"Did you think I just sat around in the house alone for three years?"
"Yes, I did think that, actually."
"Are you angry?"
"No, not angry. Jealous."
"Well, nothing ever came of any of it. What about you? You haven't been sitting alone in your dorm all this time, have you?"
"No, but I'm not exactly a social butterfly. Piyawat doesn't really invite me to much anymore since I rarely say yes. Tonight was an exception because it could help my future. Though, I've just realized we kind of took off before I could meet anyone."
That he may have become a speed bump in Wang's networking efforts hadn't even occurred to In. "Oh no. I'm sorry. Should we go back when we're done eating?"
Wang laughs (God, In missed his smile) so loudly that the couple at the table next to them turn their heads. He stifles it, "No, it'll be fine. I have a year, and there will be other parties. Besides, maybe this could also be good for my future."
In shifts his attention back to the bowl of soup in front of him that is almost empty. Had they really been here that long? Wang's soup is gone. Should they go? There are people waiting for seats, but he's scared that if they leave he'll lose Wang to the obligations of tomorrow and the need for sleep. He can't say that, of course.
"We should let them have this table."
"Sure. But I'm not ready to go back home. I can't deal with Piyawat's curiosity right now."
"Where can we go that's quiet?"
"Walk?"
“OK.”
***
They head out onto the crowded riverside, and In turns north. He has an idea of where they can go to kill a little time. That's what tonight is, killing time, using as much time with Wang as he can. Their days at his place were so chaotic, but also controlled - a bubble. What could it be like, being out here in the world with him, In wonders.
Is this fair, though? Is it fair to Wang? Is In only being selfish to ask Wang to spend this time with him without knowing - still - whether he can give more than just his time? All In knows right now is that he doesn't want to be away from Wang tonight. But what about tomorrow? And what about Mol?
In pushes that thought away for now.
***
Suddenly, Wang realizes that In has gone quiet - quieter than usual anyway. He looks over to see a slight furrow of worry on In's brow. Is he already having second thoughts?
"Stop that."
"What?"
"Worrying about whatever it is you're worrying about. Or stop second-guessing this, if that's what you're doing."
"I'm just."
"You're what?"
"I don't know."
"That's your problem. You think you always have to know. It’s been three years. Can we enjoy this beautiful night? It's certainly much more beautiful now than I thought it was going to be when I was just going to a boring, pretentious philosophy dinner. We're having a nice time. Don't ruin it with your worry."
"OK. I'll try. Speaking of the philosophy dinner, you said that you went because of your plans. What are your plans after graduation?"
“I know what I want to do, but I don’t know how I’m going to do it. That's why I went tonight. Do you remember the essay I told you about - the one about people on either side of 180 degree longitude? There is an island in Fiji, Taveuni, that sits on the date line. I want to turn my essay into a book. The island is supposed to be beautiful, and I think I can go, meet people, take photos, and create something special. But I don't have any connections, or a job, or funding. I thought I might be able to meet someone who could help me with ideas. Or money.”
"I'm not sure I should tell you this, but I read your essay. I figured that since it had won an award, it may have been published somewhere. I might as well admit, too, that I felt somewhat convicted by it. It was - how should I put it - insightful."
Wang turns uncharacteristically sheepish for a moment before composing himself. Smiling again, "Should I say 'Thank you?'"
***
They walk in comfortable silence for several blocks until they arrive at Warehouse 30. In’s never been to this gallery at night, even though it’s open pretty late on the weekends. It seems different somehow this time.
There's a coffee shop inside, and In hopes tonight will be a long one, so he heads there first. Wang follows his lead.
As they walk by the galleries inside, Wang notices that most of the art here is contemporary. "Is this where you found the art for your house?"
"Some of it, yes. I have a couple small pieces from here in my apartment at Chula, too. Mainly, I like to wander through here on Saturday afternoons, though. Even when it's busy, I find it peaceful. I don't usually buy anything besides a cup of coffee."
"Is this where you'd come on those double dates with Kantee and Darha?"
Was that a wink? There was definitely a grin. Is he teasing because it really bothers him, or to let me know that it doesn't? "No. I've only come here alone. Like I said, it's peaceful. It's also a good place to find inspiration."
The galleries are filled with everything from local crafts to large-scale art installations for the kinds of houses In designs. Though Wang sees a few things he likes, he's not interested in carrying around bags all night. They'll have to come back another day.
It is oddly peaceful here, even with all the people, but Wang doubts he would find it as enjoyable alone.
***
In musters some courage, “You keep teasing me about the double-dates that I definitely never should have mentioned, so what about you? I know you said you don't go out much, but I just don't believe that in three years there hasn't been anyone."
Wang isn't ready for this, "Do you really want to know? What do you want me to say?"
"I know you've been studying and reading and probably writing a lot, but what do you have outside of books? You need more in your life than books." What In really wants to know is how hearing about Wang with someone else - if there has been, or is, someone else - will make him feel. But he can't say that to Wang.
They've both finished their coffee now and are in the last major gallery. It's full of large, aggressively painted canvases. Wang no longer feels peaceful. He feels like there is no right answer. He feels trapped. "I need to get some air."
In wasn't expecting this. It's worse than mentioning the dates Kantee set him up on. Wang was able to joke about those, but now he’s left so quickly that In has to hurry to catch up with him by the river.
Wang's heart is pounding when he reaches the railing and leans forward. In quietly joins his side.
"I'm sorry. I thought if we could joke about my dates that I could ask about yours. I'm not trying to set you up, I promise. I'm not expecting a certain answer, either."
"It's a fair question. It's just that I don't know what we're doing. And I want to answer you honestly, but there is a lot of space inside that honesty."
Wang's heart has slowed to something close to its normal rhythm, though his thoughts are still racing. He turns toward In, stepping around him to walk along the river again. He thinks better when he's moving.
"And yes, I know I told you less than two hours ago that you don't need to worry about what this is, but now I'm worrying about what this is because you're asking me this question." Wang's throat is tightening, "You rejected me, so for you to be me asking me this. What does that mean? Do you really want to know because you want to know I'm happy without you? Do you want to make sure that I've moved on? Or do you want to know that I haven’t. I can handle it if tonight was just an accident and we're only hanging out because we ran into each other and sure, why not, let's catch up. We even moved past the small talk. But this? This conversation is something else entirely."
He's walking faster now, and In has to jump a half step to catch up because he didn't realize it right away.
"That question leads somewhere, and I already told you that I can't go again unless you’re already there waiting for me. But I guess, because why not at this point, to answer your question honestly, yes, of course I've gone out. And there was someone who made me happy for a while even though it didn't last. Do you really want to know that?"
In is breathless, less from the walk than from not breathing during Wang's stream of consciousness. There is also a knot in his stomach from the thought of Wang with someone - not just a couple dates, but with someone who made him happy. In had never allowed himself to imagine Wang with anyone else. Why did he ask?
He slows down, hoping Wang will notice, even from ahead, and match his pace.
Wang does, but stays slightly ahead of him, not ready to look at In after that outburst. They walk like this for a bit, Wang half a step ahead of In, but after a block, Wang slows to bring In up next to him again.
***
Not sure what else to say after that, Wang suggests the flower market, "I haven't been there since I was little, and maybe it'll be fun to do something touristy."
It's not a short walk, but not worth getting a cab. Pak Khlong Talat is open all night and they don't have anywhere else to be.
The early part of the walk between the gallery and the market is filled with silence, but when Wang calms down, he asks, hopefully ready to answer In's reply, "Exactly how much detail do you want to know about my dating life?" He is careful with his choice of words here, wary of how In might feel if he'd said "sex life" instead.
"I don't know why I asked. I don't know how I wanted you to answer. But I do know now, for certain, that I don't want details."
Wang considers this answer, shrugs and keeps walking, "OK. In the vaguest possible terms, outside of that relationship, I've been on a few dates here and there. The relationship was with one of Piyawat's friends who was studying business - in his final year when I was a second year. When he graduated and went to work in Singapore, we realized there wasn't enough there to handle the distance. So that was that."
Even the word "relationship" on Wang's lips makes In slightly nauseous, "I'm sorry I asked."
"Don't be."
He looks over at Wang, "I'm not apologizing."
Realizing what In means, Wang stops walking, looks at In, and laughs, "OK, I see."
That lightens the mood just as they arrive at Pak Khlong Talat. Wang isn't sure what they'll do here. It's just another place to go that's open to keep them out and together. He may have said that he's not going to ask In again to love him, but he has no problem creating time and opportunity for In to figure it out himself.
***
It's late and the fresh flowers don't arrive until dawn, but it still smells amazing and is bright and happy here. As they wander through the stalls and aisles, Wang's phone rings. There's only one person who would call now, and normally he wouldn't answer. Tonight, though, he will. He stops walking and swipes to answer, "Hello, Honey."
In stops, too, unable to conceal the panic on his face.
Wang is looking at him while he answers Mol's interrogations, "I know it's been a few days. Yes, I've been busy with the new semester at school. The work is getting harder now. There was a dinner tonight. It was nice, but I left early. I'm out in the city." He pauses for a moment - considering - holding In's gaze, "With Inthawut."
In has to find a place to sit down. Thankfully, he can't hear Mol's response. She's not screaming, at least. He would be able to hear that.
Wang follows and sits down next to In. The bench is small. They are close. Wang isn't talking, so Mol must be, even though In still can't hear her. After a moment, while looking at In, Wang says to Mol, "I'm not having this conversation right now. I'm going to enjoy the night." He hangs up and turns his phone off.
In looks down at his feet, "What did she say?"
"I wasn't listening. I don't care."
In squints at Wang's response.
"Ok, that's not true. I do care. What I mean is that her overreactions don't change my decisions anymore."
"But I can't be what comes between you two, what fractures your relationship."
Wang turns to In. They are very close. He refrains from holding In's face here in the middle of the market. "I need you to understand this. If she can't accept it, she's the one who is breaking things. But, honestly, we've been broken for three years. She did that. Not me. Definitely not you.
"I stopped basing my happiness on hers a long time ago. And I know we're not talking about what this is tonight, but for there to be a chance, if you do want there to be one, you can't base your happiness on hers either. She'll either come around because in the end having me in her life is more important than holding onto her pain and her prejudice, or it's not and she won't. But that's up to her and her alone."
In realizes that Wang has changed, matured. Wang isn’t being petulant. He's thought about this, prepared for it, without even knowing whether there would be another chance for them, because it's not just about them. And he's right.
In can’t say that he isn’t scared, because a relationship without the support of those you love and who love you, in whatever selfish way they may love you, is more difficult than most. But something starts to move into place for him there on that bench in the middle of Pak Khlong Talat. He has to be cautious, at least for a little while longer, but he's done being cowardly.
He reaches over, rests his hand on Wang's knee, and smiles, "Let's go do something fun."
***
Wang follows In out of the market to hail a cab. Once the door is closed, In tells the driver, "The Brown Sugar on Phrasumen Rd."
Wang isn’t ready to believe anything has changed, but he's having a great night, and In is right, Brown Sugar will be fun.
The group playing the club tonight is a quartet - piano, drums, trumpet, and saxophone. It’s busy, but not full, and they are seated quickly. Both order coffee, even consider dessert, but decide against it since neither of them has much of an appetite
Wang is happy to be here, but they won’t be able to talk much once the music begins - it's a performance space, not dinner theater. Maybe, though, that will be good. They need time after what just happened at the market. Of course when In last had time to think ...
No. Wang shoves that memory away.
Since it's a music club, they're seated side by side facing the stage instead of across the table from each other. It occurs to In, for the first time tonight, that this is a date - has been a date since they got into that elevator to leave the party. He turns to Wang, who is watching the band as they step onto the stage, fidgeting with his coffee cup.
In is going to have to make a decision tonight. Yes, Wang said that they could be in each others' lives, but he knows that simply being in each others' lives won't be enough for Wang. In still isn't sure that he is even good for Wang. Wang deserves to have everything, but mostly he should have someone who can love him fully and fearlessly. Can In be that man for Wang? For anyone?
***
In spite of his nagging worry, Wang is happy right now. The band is picking up their instruments to get started, and he can feel In looking at him. When he turns to In, he sees a million questions in those dark, gentle eyes. He gives In a reassuring smile - as much for himself as for In - and turns back towards the stage just as the music starts.
With that easy smile, In finally, truly understands that no matter his fear or the obstacles, he can't be separated from Wang again.
In barely hears the music with all the thoughts in his head. Normally, he would stay for both sets, but as soon as the band takes its break, he reaches for Wang.
Wang feels warmth cover his hand, and he looks down to see In's hand on his. For a moment he can't move. Just as he looks up at In, he is pulled from the table and out of the club.
***
"My apartment is only a few blocks from here. Will you go with me?"
Wang stammers the beginning of a hundred questions and then finally manages, "Of course."
During the walk In silently tries to sort out what he will say when they get to his place.
Wang doesn't talk either. He is torn between wanting to ask what is happening and not wanting to mess up whatever it is by asking. He follows In, who, he notices, has not let go of his hand. He grips a little tighter.
In's apartment is on the third floor at the far end from the elevator, and he has to drop Wang's hand to get the keys out of his pocket and open the door. A simple studio without much of a view, it's not even very close to campus. But it is, of course, perfectly appointed. What little furniture fills the space is stunning - a small couch, record player, table for two, bed, and side tables - as are the few pieces of art on the walls. There's more color here than at his home in Chiang Mai.
"Can I get you some water or tea?"
"Water is good."
Wang isn't sure where to sit, so he stands in the middle of the room while In gets their water. He notices something catch a clock's light on the bedside table. The small globe that Siam gave him and that he gave In sits on top of a copy of Schopenhauer's Essays and Aphorisms.
In puts their drinks down on the dinner table and goes to Wang, asking so quietly it's hard to hear, "Can I hug you?"
Wang freezes, still too scared to hope, "Not if it's like last time."
"What if it's the second hug instead of the last? And what if I promise that I'm not getting away this time? And I tell you that I love you and that I've loved you since the day you came to Chiang Mai and found me by the bridge. And that I won't let my fear separate us again."
Wang's eyes are glassy, but he remains still. As much as he wants to grab In again and hold him, he keeps his word that In has to be the one to do the reaching this time.
In does. He pulls Wang by his shirt into a desperate embrace. Wang, for a moment not sure what to do, finally melts into In's arms and buries his face in the warm crook of In’s neck.
How long did they stay there, in the middle of In's apartment, holding each other? Even knowing it would be the first of many, it would be the only one like this. The only hug to wash away the uncertainty and pain of three years - of thirteen years. The only first hug of a new life.
Wang is the first to let go, wiping away tears on his way to the couch. In joins him there, leaving no space between them while they sit quietly, absorbing all of this night.
Their quiet moment on the couch is brief, cut short as In turns to face Wang. The words, "I love you," escape In's lips just as Wang feels a hand grasping the small of his back and another clasped behind his head. The heel of In's palm presses against Wang's jaw, his thumb along Wang's ear, fingers lost in Wang's mop of black hair, pulling Wang to him for their first, desperately-delayed kiss. They breathe in each other's breath as their heads shift and their lips find new purchase with each movement, tongues cautiously searching for each other.
Wang's hands make their way to In's shirt buttons, the few that are left buttoned, anyway. In reluctantly releases him as Wang runs his hands over his shoulders and down In's arms to peel the shirt away.
In's left hand quickly returns to Wang's back, his right hand on the back of the couch for leverage.
In his forties, In may be softer around the edges than Wang, but his form belies that mysterious physical strength older men possess. Wang realized it when In threw him onto the bed in Chiang Mai, and he feels it here as In easily shifts Wang on the couch under his weight with a single movement.
The couch is small, though, and Wang is still, unfortunately, completely dressed. He pushes against In gently, to let him up. When they come up together, Wang is still seated, while In is propped, tall on his right knee. Their positions create a height difference that Wang finds absolutely intoxicating.
He catches his breath and tells In, with a wry smile, that the couch won't work. In stands, pulling Wang up with him, pulling Wang to him again, still kissing Wang as they make their way across the room. Wang soon feels backs of his thighs pressed against the dinner table while In's hands move from his hips, around then up his back and under his shirt. In easily lifts the black t-shirt over Wang's head, seeming for the briefest of seconds, to slow down and admire the view.
Also not particularly interested in table sex (this time), but happy to keep their momentum going, Wang reaches for the button on In's jeans, kissing In's neck and nudging him away from the table, towards the bed. Now it's his turn to push In around, and he backs In against the bed. In's hands are also working on Wang's button and zipper when they collapse backwards, toppled by their weight against the low mattress.
For a second, they are a tangle of hands, arms, legs, mouths, and tongues all trying to find their places again. In adjusts onto his elbows, Wang's knee pressed against the inside of his thigh, his hands at In's sides on the bed, locking him in place. Wang looks at In, feeling the pressure of In's still trapped erection against the top of his leg; he smiles mischievously. Without a word, Wang begins kissing and nibbling his way from the soft place between In's earlobe and jaw, down his neck, drawing his tongue along In's collarbone, and lightly sweeping his thumb across In's dark nipple. In draws a sharp breath, his instinct to back away from the electricity is overwhelming. But Wang now has a firm grasp on In's hip with his other hand, preventing any escape.
Still balanced halfway between the floor and the bed, though, a knee up here, a foot down there, Wang releases In from his hold. It's not a large bed, but Wang finds himself crawling, prowling over In, as In slides into place, falling backwards onto the moss-green duvet and pillows.
Wang remains on his knees for a moment, propped up by his fists on either side of In's ribs, straddling his lover (his lover - he always hated that word before, but not tonight, not here with In) , catching his breath.
"Is this ok? Are you good?"
A half-smile plays on In's lips in spite of the questions in his eyes. "Yes. But you do know that I've never been with a man like this before."
"Don't worry, I'll show you how to lead."
Wild with the unexpected confidence Wang has given him, In places a rugged hand on Wang's ribs, pushing him off balance and rolling over on top of him. He takes a moment to appreciate the man here with him, as he gently runs his index finger over Wang's lips, finding the exact place he wants to kiss - that little spot on the bottom where Wang's smile goes slightly crooked.
Wang's hands run down In's sides, sliding between his clothes and his feverish skin, pushing In's pants and briefs past his hips, briefly clinching that phenomenal ass with both hands on their way down.
In shimmies them the rest of the way off of his legs quickly, returning to nip at Wang's ribs one by one as he works his way down to the meaty ridge over Wang's hip. He finishes unzipping Wang's black jeans, and Wang, pressing his shoulders and feet to the bed, raises his hips to make it easier for In to slide them down.
In pauses. He'd seen Wang's perfectly lean torso when Wang showered, and teased In, that first night and the day he'd stripped his shirt off to splash in the creek. There had certainly been times when he’d imagined the rest even, but here, every part of Wang being available to him and within reach is almost too much to bear.
Wang takes advantage of In's delay, "There's no chance of there being lube or condoms in the bedside table, is there?"
"Lube, yes. Condoms, no."
In catches Wang's little smirk again, “What? One of those is useful, even for a lonely old man. The other is not."
Wang rises to go find his wallet on the kitchen counter. He may not have been a boy scout, but he is a 23 year-old man, and always prepared.
Propped on his side on one elbow, watching Wang, who is clearly aroused, stroll back towards him, In chuckles to himself. He's still in a bit of disbelief about this entire situation, in the best way possible. And when Wang crouches down to dig into the side table for the bottle, In does not resist the urge to tousle his hair. That he never has to resist his urges around Wang again makes him happier than he ever thought he could be.
Wang has his own urges he can no longer endure - he leans over from the side table and takes In's entire cock into his mouth, pulling at In's hip to guide his movements. In can hardly stand it, and pushes Wang away by his shoulders. Wang grins up at him, pleased with himself.
Though he isn't sure what to expect next, exactly, In is surprised when Wang opens the condom and rolls it not onto himself but In. Climbing back onto the bed, Wang straddles him again, but closer this time, touching everywhere they can in this position, so their bodies can meet at every inch from thigh to navel. He pours the lube into his own hands, and then In's, massaging it over In and then moving In's hands into place to give him what little help he'll need. He pulls In to him so that there is no space between them. As Wang grabs In by the neck to kiss his full, warm mouth, he moves up and over In's cock, and folds his legs around his back. With his other hand holding In, guiding him, he moves himself into place, finally fully connecting with the man he has longed to be with since he first laid eyes on him at the creek in Chiang Mai.
In gasps.
Wrapping his arm around In's back to bring him even closer, Wang rocks his hips, slowly at first, but as In's noises become less controlled, so do Wang's movements. With In's arms reciprocating his embrace, the feeling of his own cock against In's stomach while they move together in synchronous rhythm creates a fiery tempest that fills the small apartment, finally erupting for them both with the relief of three years of suppressed desire.
***
Wang awakens, later than usual but not unexpectedly considering everything that happened last night, to see In lying on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling. He has seen this before and doesn't like it.
Before he pulls together the courage to ask what he's thinking, though, In opens, "Can I come with you?"
"God, In! Don't do that to me ever again."
"What?"
"Don't get that look on your face first thing in the morning after a night like last night - like you’re regretting everything."
“Ah. Sorry.”
“What do you mean, can you come with me? Where? I’m not going anywhere. The semester has just started.”
“To Fiji, the date line. For your book.”
“Oh, that’s just an idea. I ..."
In cuts him off, "lf you'll let me, I can help you make it work. You won't need to go to any more philosophy department parties. Unless you want to."
"What does that mean?"
"It turns out that being an architect to the rich and famous is lucrative, and I don't exactly live lavishly. The only problem I see is the timing.” In rolls onto his side to face Wang, “When are you thinking of going?"
"Probably when I graduate next March."
"Are you willing to wait a little longer? Since I'm here for the summer semester, I'll need to be back in May."
"What about when this semester is done? In October?"
"But you’re so close. You'll miss your last semester and won't graduate."
"You just said you'll need to come back in May to teach. I can finish then. Or I'll talk to my advisor about using the project as independent study for my final credits."
In marvels at Wang's innocent, unaffected ambition, his unalloyed spirit. It's what he admires, and loves, most about him.
Wang pauses to absorb the moment. He would not have dared to imagine just 24 hours ago, 18 hours ago even, that he could be here now, in In's bed, naked, planning to spend six months in Fiji together. It would have been the cruelest of dreams.
He reaches for In's beautiful, sleepy face, to make sure he is real. He is. Wang brushes his thumb across In's bottom lip, whispering “I love you” as he moves for a kiss and slips his hand beneath the covers. They have plenty of time to talk about Fiji. This afternoon is for other pursuits.