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Lilith’s body had never really felt like her own. She’d been a doll for her mother to dress and display until the time came for her to join the Order. Her clothing thoroughly inspected, her mannerisms carved into her psyche with scalpel-like precision. She had always known what she was made for. Her body was not hers, it was a vessel in waiting for the Halo. And so she joined the Order as instructed and her body became its weapon until the time to come for it to be the ark of its covenant. But the time never came. The chance was ripped from her hands twice, and then she died. The body she came back to was even less familiar to her than the one she went to Hell in. The advantages of her new abilities couldn’t outweigh how foreign her body felt to her. A weapon, and not one she fully understood or controlled anymore.
For months after the war, she avoided mirrors, being bare. Even after Camila grew tired of the way they danced around their feelings, the way Lilith would teleport into her apartment after disappearing for days and running herself ragged. Lilith flashed in one evening, dark circles under her eyes, a bag full of takeout from Camila’s favorite place that she knew she hadn’t had a chance to tell Lilith about yet, and another apology for disappearing, for showing up, for being who—what— she was. Camila took the bag from her hands with a smile, and pressed that smile to Lilith’s stern mouth. It took time but slowly, she gave herself to Camila and instead of keeping her, Camila gave her back to herself. She retreated a bit after their relationship melded with Ava and Beatrice’s, old feelings of loss and fear resurfacing as they navigated the complexity of their pasts and intricacies of their futures together. But Bea, after so many years and changes, still knows her perhaps better than she knows herself, and while Ava doesn’t have that history, she understands not knowing your body better than anyone else and was quick to learn and adapt to all of Lilith’s boundaries.
Still, she prickles sometimes. When she finds herself looking at the packers on their favorite toy site more than once a week, she broaches the subject with each of her partners individually. When she asks Camila if it would bother her were she to pack, Camila gives her the same smile that started their journey, and says,
“Amore, it doesn’t matter if I’m okay with it or not, if it makes you feel good. But yes, I am.”
And it gives her the confidence to tell Beatrice of her plan outright, who simply nods and throws her over hip and onto the mats of their home gym. Ava responds by reiterating her desire to respect Lilith’s desires and boundaries, but there’s a look in her eyes that Lilith can’t place and it sets her on edge. Nevertheless, all her partners informed, she makes her decision.
When the packer arrives a few days later, she’s afraid to put it on. Her partners don’t know it’s here yet, and she’s not ready for them to see it, either. It sits in the box for a few days, out of sight until she is alone and comes back to it. Instead, she just thinks about it. Thinks about how it would feel to have the weight, form of it in her boxers. Thinks about how it would feel to have this be part of her. When she’s finally able to push her mother’s face, her memories of hell, out of her mind again, she finds that the idea still feels right. The image of herself in her mind feels more whole. She wears it in private for the first few weeks. When she’s home alone and working, when she zaps away for a few hours to get a break from the endearing chaos that had become her home. It soon feels as much a part of her as her hands or her breasts.
The first time she wears in around her partners, she doesn’t think they notice. Maybe Cam’s eyes linger at her crotch a little longer, but maybe she’s just self-conscious. Cam does ask about it in bed that night, how it felt and she can hear the love in their voices as they listen to her explain, haltingly, the ease that settles in her body when she wears it, the ownership she feels over her being. Again, though, she hears just enough of something in Ava’s voice to make her stiffen her spine, draws her claws to the surface of her fingers. The edge in her voice doesn’t stop Ava from nuzzling into her chest, and with Camila’s fingers in her hair, she relaxes enough to let it be conversation for the morning.
When her day beings, Camila and Beatrice have already left to handle the shopping for the week. Lilith dresses and ventures downstairs to find Ava in the spare room they use as an office and crafting space. Ava’s arm is stretched above her as she reaches for a box of yarn in the closet. Lilith pads up behind her, pressing into Ava’s back, and easily takes down the box. She feels Ava stiffen as the packer nudges against her lower back, and Lilith’s chest constricts, the fire from the night before returning, and she steps back.
“If you have a problem with me now, Silva, spit it out so we can deal with it.”
“I don’t have a problem with you, now or ever.”
“Bullshit. You’ve been weird since I brought up the packer. If it’s not okay with you, whatever, but we need to talk about it so we can tell Camila and Beatrice we’re not partnered anymore.” Ava spins at that, shock painted across her face.
“You think I don’t want to be your partner? Because of a packer?”
“What else would be happening here? You look at me funny every time it’s come up. You have an issue with me having a cock.”
“You know I’m pan, right? Your gender and what’s in your pants are not deciding factors for me.”
Lilith does know this. And loathe as she is to admit it, she worries that this chaotic, beautiful girl she’s come to love—who inexplicably loves her back— would stop loving her for choosing herself. Ava would be just another name to add to the long list of people and things that rejected her for being wrong. Of all of them, she fears Ava will break her. After everything they’ve been through, everything Lilith did to her, Ava had forgiven her. Chosen to love her as fiercely as she does Camila and perhaps even Beatrice. To lose that after everything…Lilith isn’t sure she could survive it.
“Then please tell me what the fuck is going on so I can breathe again.”
Ava steps into her space, reaches up to cup her face so, so softly and Lilith resists the urge to turn away.
“Lilith, I love you. I want you to be happy, and if this makes you happy, I love it, too.” The gentleness in her tone makes Lilith relax into Ava’s palm, cheek pressing into the callouses from weapons training. The roughness is grounding.
“I’m so sorry I made you feel that I have an issue with your packer-your cock.” The adjustment sends a tingle of electricity down Lilith’s spine.
“But if I’m honest, it has brought up a lot of feelings that I’m not sure how to work through.” Ava’s voice softens and she hesitates before continuing.
“I know how you feel when you talk about not knowing your body. I didn’t even know packing was something you could do until you brought it up. It’s just made me curious for myself.” Lilith’s rod straight posture relaxes, just slightly, in understanding. Seeing the ease seep back into her partner, Ava’s voice takes on a decidedly coy tone as she continues.
“But mostly, you having a cock is, like, soooso sexy that it’s distracting. But it’s a new thing for you so I’m trying very hard to not drop to my knees for you every time I remember it’s there, because I don’t think that’s what you need while you try things out.” There’s another zip of electricity down Lilith’s spine and she finally, really looks into Ava’s eyes for the first time that morning. They are dark and roaming across her tall, sinewy frame. Ava’s never been one to let a serious conversation fully turn off the lustful part of her brain, and all things considered, Lilith can’t say she blames her. She’s open and wanting and indulgent in ways that used to infuriate Lilith, but now she admires.
She knows it’s Ava’s influence that helps her indulge the quiet voice in her brain that suggests she buy herself a little bar of the dark chocolate she swears is egregiously priced but is still, undeniably, her favorite. Tells her to skip training some days in favor of having tea leisurely on the porch, watching the sun rise and the tiny specks of her one, two, sometimes all three of her partners in the distance grow as they jog home to her. The little voice she’s learned to indulge pipes up now, telling her that, actually, Ava on her knees is something she needs. Lilith swears it’s just the morning caught in her throat when she speaks and her voice is husky,
“What if I did?” Ava’s eyebrow quirks in question and perhaps a bit of challenge, and Lilith forces herself to repeat her question.
“What if I did need that?” A heavy inhale, but Lilith isn’t sure whose. “What if I did want you on your knees for me?” As close as they’re standing, there is no way for Lilith to miss the tiny whimper that escapes Ava’s lips before she presses them to hers. It’s chaste, considering their subject of conversation, and short. Ava takes Lilith’s hands in hers and gently yet firmly walks her back until Lilith feels the edge of the desk bump into the back of her thighs. Ava’s pupils, dark moments ago, are fully blown.
“Then I would get on my knees, Lil.” And she does. She keeps her eyes locked with Lilith’s, serious and sparkling with her characteristic delight, and sinks down to the floor. Her hands rove over Lilith’s hips, first over the thick material of her hoodie and then under it, ghosting across the sharp line of her hip bones. The softness of her touch sends a wave of goosebumps across her skin and her hips jump towards Ava. Usually this eagerness would make Ava giggle and tease but in this moment she only smiles, bright and pleased as if she’s done something kind and helpful in offering to suck her off in the middle of their office.
“Can I take this off, baby?” Her fingers curl around the waistband of her joggers but she waits, ever patient, ever cognizant of Lilith’s tenuous relationship with her body. When she hears a soft “yes,” she pulls them down her legs and guides them off her ankles. She takes a moment to press a kiss to a patch of scales above Lilith’s knee, a recent injury from a fall during the hiking trip they’d taken last month that hadn’t quite healed yet. It was such a wonderfully mundane injury that Lilith thought she wouldn’t mind if the scales stayed there forever.
“Boxers?” Ava’s hands have returned to her waist, reaching around and grasping at the back of her thighs, smoothing over the fabric. Lilith furrows her brow, unsure of where to go next.
“Maybe…not yet?” She finishes with a question and Ava rolls with it,
“Not yet.” She says with finality. A hand comes up from her thigh and cups over the bulge in her boxers, stroking and then pressing up so Lilith feels the pressure. It’s muted but nice and she hums just a little at the zip in her groin.
“Do you want me to suck your cock?” Ava asks the question so casually, as if it has always been a part of their intimacy and to her mortification, Lilith feels a burning in her eyes as she tears up a little at how normal and good it feels.
“Yeah. I want to see you suck my cock, Silva.” Her tone is firm, the way it usually is when they play but the shudder that seems to runs straight through her to Ava gives them both away. It’s new, it’s uncharted territory, and it’s hot. The sweet smile is back on Ava’s face with more than a hint of desire in it, and she reaches into Lilith’s fly to pull her dick out. She sits back for a moment, warm silicone in hand and stares. At it, at Lilith’s face, at all of her at once. Just before Lilith starts to worry that Ava’s changed her mind, she breathes out a harsh, “fuck, you look so good,” and leans back in to take the tip into her mouth. The faintest movement and changes in pressure tell Lilith she’s licking around the tip before she draws back and Lilith can watch her lick along the length.
When Ava looks up at her after a moment with the faintest bit of concern, she realizes she’s been standing still, slack-jawed and silent.
“You okay? Do you want me to stop?” Lilith’s jaw snaps shut and she moves a hand off the edge of the desk to cup Ava’s cheek.”
“No!” She’s louder than she means to be, and she repeats softer, moving her hand back to the desk, “No, it’s good. A lot.” The concern fades back into a smile and Ava’s eyes don’t leave hers as she licks. As she watches, Lilith is struck again by how natural this feels. Ava’s given her blow jobs before, on her, strap but there’s a difference between watching her suck a sparkly purple dildo (Ava’s choice, obviously) while it’s attached to her, and watching her suck what looks like her actual dick. The nagging voice in the back of her mind whispers that this shouldn’t feel normal or right. That she’s wrong to want this, to do what she does with this body bound for service. It’s gotten easier to ignore with time and therapy, but it still waits for her in moments of vulnerability. Lilith herself doesn’t have a chance to silence it, because at that moment Ava pops her lips off with a hum and says,
“It tastes like you. Love the way you taste.” A groan tears through Lilith’s chest and the voice is shoved so firmly back into its box that Lilith thinks it may never speak out again.
“So it’s…okay?” Lilith confirms. Ava clearly seems to be enjoying herself but Lilith feels she’s justified in seeking out more validation in this moment. Ava grins, happy to indulge her.
“This is so much more than okay. I love doing this for you.”
“Fuck, keep going.” Ava rededicates herself to her task with zeal, now confident in the situation and their communication skills should something change. She takes Lilith’s cock into her mouth again and begins to work in shallow bobs, taking it deeper each time. Lilith watches as she reaches up to cup her balls over her boxers and jolts in the pleasure brought by the pressure against her core. The movement makes Ava choke, just barely, before Lilith pulls back completely, stammering out apologies.
“Shit, shit, I’m so sorry.” Ava shakes her head, still smiling
“Don’t be, I just wasn’t ready for it.” Before Lilith can get into her head again, Ava takes her other hand and guides Lilith’s to the back of her head.
“I want you to fuck my face with your cock, Villumbrosa. You know I can take it.” Ava’s always known how to push Lilith’s buttons, and that hasn’t changed just because they stopped being enemies and eventually became partners. Ava’s smirking now, but it’s her turn to groan as Lilith takes the hand at the back of Ava’s head and presses her throat back onto her cock. She holds her there, intimately aware of how many seconds Ava can comfortably handle and taking her just past it. She lets her take a breath and they begin a familiar dance. Ava taking to the best of her ability and Lilith giving her more, pushing each others’ limits. Lilith chases the pleasure that first bit of pressure brought, thrusting deep into Ava’s mouth and grinding against her hand. It doesn’t take long to find the rhythm that works and she loses herself in the sensations, vaguely aware that she’s saying something to Ava, but not sure of what. Apparently she’s told Ava she might cum because Ava pulls off briefly to moan and say,
“Yeah? Will you come for me, Lils?”
She’s had wonderful sex with all of her partners, countless times, but this simple moment, unexpected and quick in their craft room may surpass everything before. She feels so good—so right and whole for one of the first times—that she’s afraid she might cry and ruin the whole moment. She looks down to Ava’s eyes and sees the familiar mix of desire, competition, and adoration unique to Ava and given only to her. It’s enough to send her over the edge, into tears and orgasm. Ava works her through it, gaze unwavering.
When she stills, Ava tucks her back into her boxers and pulls her sweatpants back up as she stands, shaking out her knees. Lilith’s finally takes a shaky breath, moving to wipe her tears and Ava can see the change in her posture as the embarrassment sinks in. She takes Lilith’s hands in her own and presses soft kisses to her cheeks.
“No, none of that. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“I cried during sex, Silva. That’s embarrassing.”
“It is not. It’s extremely normal. Especially when your partner gives head as good as I do.” Ava’s laughing and Lilith’s grateful for the relief in tension as she continues,
“We don’t have to talk about it, now or ever, if you want to keep most of your gender feelings to yourself. But who you are is beautiful and I love whoever you want to be.” Rather than speak, Lilith pulls her into a deep, long kiss and if a few more tears of euphoria sneak out from beneath her eyelids, neither of them mention it.