Chapter Text
8 years ago
Technically, Ray wasn’t the one who discovered his mom’s body. That honour went to Cera, one of their maids at the time, who reacted predictably: calling for help as she shook her, trying to wake her up, not yet realising she was dead. Why would she? It’s not like passing out was unusual in this house.
Ray had just started high school, and he will always remember standing in the doorway, watching Cera shake his mom’s body, himself shaking and breathing heavily as he knew… he just knew, even as Cera didn’t, that his mom was not going to wake up again. Cera had called for help, even looking over at Ray in the doorway, but his legs hadn’t answered him when he tried to obey. The shock had settled over him so completely, he could do nothing but watch. He watched as another maid had come in and called in the emergency. He’d watched the paramedics wheel her away on a stretcher. He’d watched his dad rush into the house, first time he’d been home in days, and demand answers. Finally, he’d watched at the hospital as the doctors explained that she’d been dead on arrival.
Alcohol poisoning.
No one told Ray that she drank herself to death to get away from him, her son. No one had to.
It’s not like her bitterness toward him was a secret.
His dad, never exactly a warm paternal type himself, drifted even further after the death of his wife, tossing Ray money as needed, and Ray came to the only conclusion he could. If alcohol was a good enough way for his mom to go, it would work for him too. Might take some time, but that’s ok. Truth was, he was scared of dying himself, but also had no interest in living. What would be the point, to live a full life if he was as horrible, as unlovable as he is? So just go with it… too much of a coward to kill himself outright, the next best thing would be to just not care if he lives, and let the natural consequences occur.
He was watching one of his mom’s old movies when he had his first drink. So funny how she was dead, but he could still see her face, hear her voice any time he wanted.
Well, the version of her she pretended to be. Back when she was happy. Back before his existence ruined her life.
Before his existence ruined everyone’s life.
He took another drink. He wasn’t entirely positive how it worked, but maybe if he just drank enough of it, he could forget how atrocious he really was.
2 years ago
Alcohol just wasn’t doing the job fast enough. Nothing was, and Ray had tried it all. In the 6 years since his mom had died, Ray had continued his all consuming mission of destroying himself, punishing himself for daring to be alive, for daring to exist. Alcohol? Hell, hardly a day passed that he WASN’T drunk. Drugs? Well the best parties required them! Sex? Fuck yeah, he didn’t even insist on condoms when he had sex with men. He did with women, though. Stopping pregnancy was valid, but stopping himself from getting an infection or disease went directly against his goal.
It’s almost unfair that he hasn’t caught anything. He hasn’t overdosed. He hasn’t even managed to die in a car accident. Punishment for existing is one thing, but how long must he keep it up? How long before he can just STOP existing??
Ray had always felt safe in the bathtub. There was something about it… the feel of the water, providing a sense of warmth and support he so rarely felt in life. What he imagined a hug would feel like, a hug from someone who actually cared about him. Even without water though, it just felt like a safe place to be. Walls on all sides, a small enough space that he could feel secure, surrounded, protected from the heartlessness of the outside world.
Maybe that’s why he sits in the dry tub now, drink in hand, and eyeing the pills on the stool beside him.
Alcohol isn’t working fast enough, but enough of those pills would do it.
He stares at them, thoughts grinding along. He could do it. It would be easy, really. No different than taking some medicine. The act itself would be done in a few seconds, and then he’d just have to wait… wait for his pain to finally end once and for all, for the world to finally be free of him. So much faster than waiting for his liver to give out… and it’s not like he has anyone who would care. His mom is long gone now, his dad is little more than a banker to him, he has no other relatives… he has no lover… friends…
He does have friends, or at least he sort of does. He met Mew last year, their first year of university, as they had entered the same program. Mew introduced Ray to his other friends, and they slowly became a group. The four gays of the Faculty of Buisness, they shared a lot of interests, they liked the same bars, but Ray still always felt like he was only tolerated by them. Boston was constantly on the prowl, getting sex wherever he could, and Ray just couldn’t keep up if he tried. Cheum liked her friend group, but once she met April and the two of them became a couple, it was clear that was her priority. But Mew… Mew like to read. He liked school and trivia. He never had more than a couple drinks, he never dated. He actually seemed to listen when Ray talked, to look at him… to see him.
Mew might care if Ray dies tonight.
Might.
Ray finishes his drink and puts his glass down beside the pill bottle, then picks up his phone and calls Mew. He has to find out if this friend is actually a friend… would he actually care…
“Hello Mew,” Ray says as soon as the call is picked up, hoping his tears aren’t as obvious in his voice as they sound to him. He could almost choke on them, and almost wishes he would. It would save him the trouble. “What are you doing?”
“Are you drunk again?” Mew asks, voice sounding exasperated. “I’m not picking you up this time.”
“No, I’m home.” Ray says, blinking back the tears before he takes a steadying breath. He has to say this. “I just called to tell you that… I love you.”
He sniffles and wipes his nose.
“You’re drunk and talking nonsense,” Mew tells him, and Ray leans back. Well, that’s his answer. Loving someone is nonsense. Mew has been a friend, but even that has it’s limits. He can’t actually care about Ray. No one could care about someone as awful as Ray.
“Thanks for being a good friend to me,” Ray tells him, “and always taking care of me.” He takes another deep breath, shuddering slightly at the feeling of air in his lungs. How odd will it be to not have that anymore? “If I’m gone, I won’t be anyone’s burden anymore, right?”
He smiles at that, despite the tears still streaming down his face. How freeing will it be to not be a burden… how free will it feel to everyone else, to his dad to not have to pay for him anymore, his friends to not have to take care of him… “You… take good care of yourself.”
“Ray…” Mew’s voice sounds a little weird now, but Ray isn’t listening anymore. “Ray? Hello? Ray!!”
Ray puts the phone down, staring at the pills again. He can end it all. End his pain. End his family and friends’ burden. It will be so easy, and then it will be over and they will all be free. They will be free of him, he will be free of this pain… this pain that threatens to consume him, that just grows inside him no matter how hard he tries to kill it, to drown it out… no matter what he does, this monster is eating him from the inside and he can only dull it, only buy himself time, but never defeat it, never be free… only the pills will set him free…
He starts to shake and a sob rips from his lungs as he buries his face in his hands. He doesn’t want to die, he just wants it to stop… why won’t it stop without him dying, why can’t he make it stop… why was he born so unloveable, born to be a burden, to ruin everyone else’s lives… just take the pills, just stop crying and take them and end it! But his hands don’t move to the bottle, they clutch his face as his pain pours out of him.
Ray imagines he hears Mew’s voice calling him, and he hugs his knees tight. He’s hallucinating of course, doesn’t that happen to people before they die?
“Ray!!”
He’s not hallucinating. He looks up and sees Mew, rushing in like some sort of guardian angel, here to rescue him.
“What the hell are you doing??”
Ok, not the words expected from an angel, but Ray couldn’t care less. He’s still shaking as he blinks wetly up at Mew.
“You’re here?”
Mew grabs the bottle of pills and stares at it, then glares down at Ray. “How many pills did you take?!”
Ray just sobs again, hugging his knees to him even tighter, because he didn’t take any, he’d failed yet again, they’d been right there…
Mew climbs into the tub behind Ray, wrapping his arms around him, saying his name.
“No one loves me,” the words come out of Ray without him even meaning them to. “I’m all alone. Everyone hates me. My mom never loved me. Her life was ruined because of me. She died because of me.” He tilts his head back, almost laughing as he realises, “She never hugged me like this, you know?” How funny is it that the first hug he remembers getting from anyone isn’t from his own mother but from Mew… not even his mother… the laughter fades as he begins to shake again, fresh tears coming because he somehow hasn’t completely run out of them yet… “I’m bad luck, Mew. No one loves me!”
The last words are torn from him, ripped painfully through his throat, and Mew shakes him, clutching him still tighter.
“Your friends! Your friends, Ray! They love you. I love you too. I love you, Ray. I’ll never abandon you.”
Never abandon him… everyone abandons Ray though…
“You’ll stay with me, right?” Ray asks, almost in a whisper, not daring to believe it, and Mew nods against his shoulder.
Ray doesn’t kill himself that night. Mew holds him until he stops crying, and helps him to bed. Mew spends the night, making sure Ray is comfortable, Ray is sleeping. And by morning, Ray doesn’t want to die anymore.
His pain hasn’t gone anywhere. His knowledge of how worthless he is is as firm as ever. He’s still a burden, he’s still a curse.
But Mew is still here. Mew promised not to leave him.
Mew saved his life.
And he said he loved Ray. No one has ever said that before. No one has ever loved him before.
If Mew loves Ray… well Ray now loves Mew more than he ever thought possible. After all, this is what love is, isn’t it?
~
“Screw those who don’t love you!” Cheum announces, emboldened by alcohol. “I do, Ray. If I wasn’t a lesbian, I’d hit on you already. You’re damn perfect.”
Ray watches her, squinting in disbelief. What is she even talking about? He’s sitting with his friends on a warm and lovely night outside… it’s his first social event since that night, and Mew thought this would be better than the bar. They still have drinks though, of course.
Mew must have filled them in on what happened with Ray, as once the drinks loosened them up enough, Cheum started right in on it.
“You can be either cute or hot. And you’re crazy rich, damn it!” She reaches out to push him, dumping her beer in the process.
“You just spilled your drink!” Ray points out, pushing her off him, and Boston calls over, words also slurred.
“Cheum, you totally overlook me. I’m with hotness, cuteness, and sexiness on top of everything.” He pulls open his shirt, flashing some shoulder muscles at the group, who are ambivalent. Except Cheum, that is, who gags.
“Yuck! Hell no, you jerk! Whoever has you as their boyfriend is so unlucky. You’re slutty.”
“What about Mew?” Boston laughs.
“Don’t drag me into this,” Mew shakes his head and laughs as well.
“Mew?” Cheum laughs, then shakes her head and waves her hand. “Too unseasoned. I don’t like him. Not my type. So Ray is my number one! Give me a kiss.” She reaches out and grabs Ray’s shoulder, and he jumps in surprise, warding her off.
“Cheum!”
“Kiss, kiss!”
“Cheum!” Ray finally joins in the laughter. “Just go to bed, you’re drunk!”
Cheum falls back, laughing herself now and Ray watches her with a grin.
“Come on, Cheum, let’s go.” Mew goes to stand, but Boston holds out his hand.
“It’s ok Mew, I’ll take her. I’m gonna go grab my camera too. Let’s move, Cheum. Go to your room.”
She stumbles as she rises, but allows Boston to take her arm and lead her away, Mew and Ray laughing as they watch them go.
“Walk steadily, Cheum!” Mew calls, and Ray shakes his head, reaching for his drink.
Mew eyes him as he takes a swig. “Slow down, Ray. How many bottles already? Keep drinking and you’ll die.”
Ray just laughs at that. Yeah right, if it was that easy, he’d be long gone. “This is nothing. You know I’m a heavyweight.”
Mew just looks away and takes a drink of his own. Ray peers blearily at his friend, his angel. It’s been a couple weeks, but he’s never actually said…
“Thanks a lot Mew, for saving me that night.” Mew looks at Ray, who nods. “If it weren’t for you, I’d have been with my mom already.”
Ray is smiling but Mew doesn’t return the expression, so he lets it slip off his face and looks away.
“Do you think I’ll be like her?” Ray asks next, now looking at the empty bottles in front of him.
“Come on, Ray.” Mew shifts in his seat. “No. Not if you quit drinking now. You must take better care of yourself. I’m always right by your side.”
Ray smiles at that and reaches out to rest his hand on his friend. “Thanks Mew. Remember this” if you’re in trouble, or something bad happens to you, give me a call. I’ll go and save you, just like you saved me.”
Mew smiles. “You’re welcome. Friends take care of friends.”
Friends.
Ray had always kinda liked Mew, but ever since that night…
Mew saved his life. Mew came for him. Mew is the only reason Ray is still alive. How could he look at him as just a friend after that?
Mew is his reason for existing.
“What if I want to be more than just a friend?” Ray asks him, verbalising his thoughts for the first time.
Mew leans back, eyes shifting. “What now? You said beer couldn’t get you drunk.”
“I’m not drunk,” Ray insists. “I’m serious, Mew. If there’s someone who can make me smile again, it’s you. I like you, Mew. Do you like me?”
Mew looks away, licking his lips, but he doesn’t answer… he doesn’t say no, more like, which is all Ray cares about anyway. Mew isn’t saying no… so he takes his shot, reaching out and resting a hand on Mew’s shoulder, leaning in, pulling him in…
Mew lets him kiss him, and it doesn’t feel like the guys Ray has kissed before, he doesn’t feel the jolt of attraction, the rise of lust… he feels content. Warm. The warmth that comes from a nice bath, the comfort of it. Yes, Mew is his comfort. Mew is his reason for existing. Mew is even kissing him back!
Or he was. But when the kiss ends, when Ray looks at him feeling the hope swell inside him like a balloon, Mew looks away.
“I can’t be with anyone right now, Ray. I’ll always be beside you… as a friend though. Are you ok with that?”
Right now. The only words Ray hears in that are ‘right now’. So it doesn’t hurt him, really. It doesn’t even feel like a rejection.
Mew saved Ray’s life, and gave him a reason to live. Of course that means Ray loves him. And if he’s alive, he might as well wait for the day Mew IS ready to be with him.
“Of course.” Ray tells him. “I’m always your friend.”
For now.