Dirt Angels in Dinosaur Bones

by Maphkaur

Summary:

John Egbert is a failson toiling away at his hometown's community college while all his friends head off to bigger and brighter things.

Aradia Megido is a mystery: someone he admires from afar, never quite feeling confident enough to pursue. You know, because he's a failson.

However, after a fateful encounter at his local museum, she because significantly less untouchable. How will he cope? Will he explode? He'll probably explode.

Notes:

Wahoo!

I wrote this years ago. I'm picking it back up because writing is fun and I still love these goobers!

I'm always open to feedback.

Chapter 1: Why did it have to be clowns?

John’s bright-blue sneakers tapped rhythmically against the tiled floor, cobalt eyes wandering to his $10.99 Ghostbusters-brand watch. How much longer?... Maybe like 5 minutes. Maybe less.

His dad had gotten a free ticket to the Clowning throughout History exhibit at their local museum, and for some reason he thought to give it to John instead of going himself. He'd almost pushed the ticket back in Dad's hands and walked away, but… he looked so happy, and it'd be a bit mean to refuse, right? Besides, he was already infringing a little by still living in his dad’s house. He hadn’t managed to get into any of his goal schools, so right now, John was attending a local community college to build up credits until he could transfer. While, of course, living with his dad. It was all John could do to ignore his Father’s baleful sighs and fatherly notes telling him to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE OFTEN”, but to directly turn down an offer like this?... So here he was, trudging throughout the exhibit in his classic t-shirt and a pair of warm sweatpants. It was winter, after all. Nothing wrong with some toasty legs.
John paced back and forth, doing his level best to be incredibly interested in the pattern of tiles along the floor. Yup. Nothing else to look at here. No room full of little porcelain harlequins that always seemed to stare back. No pale faces twisted into insincere grins, mocking him with their cruel joy. He’s sure this exhibit would be fascinating to someone who wasn’t incredibly skeezed out by the whole profession of clowning, but that person wasn’t him. As soon as John felt he’d spent enough time in his personal hell to not feel guilty, he hit the fucking bricks, running to another exhibit as fast as his skinny legs would take him.

The Crocker-Zuckerberg Museum for the Enrichment of Society was incredibly generalist, hosting pretty much anything the curators could get their hands on. From Dinosaurs, to a live aquarium section, to real mummified corpses, to a bunch of clown paraphernalia for some reason, the C-ZMES had it all!... unless you were looking for a bottle of water that didn't cost 7.99. That's how they get you; By luring you in with free tickets and gouging you on the refreshments. Oh well, at least he had been smart enough to bring his own.
Making a split-second decision, John dashed into the mummy exhibit, the rhythmic “clack-clack-clack” of his soles against the tile slowing to a canter, then a walk, then nothing. After he’d caught his breath, John felt himself inexplicably drawn to the centerpiece; a genuine real-life mummy! The whole tomb-raiding trope, while a little silly, had been the birthplace of many a good action film. Those were more Jake's wheelhouse than they were his, but he could still appreciate them. Gog, look at all those bandages. But as he was leaning over the velvet rope to get a better look…

Aradia: did you know that the british used to eat these in the 15th century
John: gahhhhhhhh!

John whipped around in an instant, heart pounding out of his chest at this sudden intrusion. He must have been quite lost in thought, because he was certain he hadn’t heard any footsteps. In front of him was Aradia Megido, a troll that John had been having some trouble forgetting. She was about a head taller than him, and a bit chubby, but in a way that belied the rippling muscle beneath. She wore what the trolls pretty much always wore; baggy black pants and a black T-shirt with her insignia on it.

The only time he’d seen her was at one of Nepeta’s parties, where she just kinda stood in the corner and drank the alien equivalent of fruit punch while staring at everyone. He’d thought about approaching her, but she seemed to only really ever speak to Sollux, and she was just… intimidating in a way he couldn’t really describe. She had this air about her like a grizzled explorer who’d seen things far beyond her time, which, for some reason, got John’s ticker pumping like nothing had before. Every time John thought about walking up to her and shooting off one of his classic egbert-isms, his throat got all choke-y and he couldn’t stop himself from running through all the ways he could mess things up in his head.

In the end, he’d just stuck to the friends he was already close to, like Nepeta! Approachable, sweet Nepeta. Nepeta didn’t carry herself like she could crush John’s head between her thighs-nope nope nope nope nope, that train of thought is impounded at the station! Not very gentlemanly of you, John. Speaking of not being a gentleman, she’s just been standing there waiting for him to reply this whole time. Jeez, talk about lost in thought, huh, Egbert? Get your head out of the clouds!

John: uhhh, what?

You’re a genius, John. A true Casanova. Goddamnit, why couldn’t he just be normal for once? Thankfully, Aradia seemed perfectly fine carrying the conversation.

Aradia: the british thought mummies secreted this substance called mumia
Aradia: they believed mumia to have healing properties
Aradia: so they ate mummies
Aradia: they even made their own with fresh corpses from time to time

Aradia spoke with an unflinchingly neutral cadence, staring John dead in the eyes as she talked. He still wasn’t used to the whole “yellow-sclera” thing trolls had going on, but what kind of ally would he be if he looked away because of something silly like that? John Egbert was very determined to not be a space-racist. Besides, Aradia spoke in a way that made it hard to look away in the first place. It wasn’t exactly monotone, her voice still dipped up and down in the appropriate places, but her voice was rock-steady in a way that John found himself magnetized to. She wasn’t loud, per say, but the way her words came out, it seemed the only natural path for him to take was to listen. Aradia spoke with such inevitability that he couldn’t help but find himself believing whatever she was saying. As sure as the clock will chime, and as sure as the final sleep will come to claim us all, the… British will have eaten mummies? Okay, his metaphor kinda fell apart at the end there, but the point still stands.

Aradia: how you humans handle your dead is likely my favorite part of your world so far
Aradia: you mythologize it and treat it as such an occasion
Aradia: to be celebrated and mourned and subject to tradition
Aradia: its a nice change of pace

Huh. John scratched at his arm, suddenly very aware of the pit in his stomach. Hey, at the very least, Aradia was still talking to him!... Okay, John didn’t really know how to feel about that. Normally he would have expected her to leave by now (he didn’t consider himself to be much of a conversationalist, but at least he didn’t usually open with “aaaaaaaghhhh!!!!!!”. That was a new low.), but here she was, still rattling off mummy facts. I guess she just wanted someone to talk about dead people with?

Either way, it was still nice to see her talk about something she was interested in. Even though her voice didn’t vary that much, she was still quite expressive. She gestured with her claw-like hands to emphasize parts of her sentences, and her eyebrows seemed to soften when she spoke about something she so clearly enjoyed. It created this disconnect that might have been a little disturbing to someone who wasn’t more than a little enamored with her whole deal.

John: what did you do with your dead back on alternia?
Aradia: we would just toss out the bodies
Aradia: any attempt to preserve them was seen as a waste of time
Aradia: so unless you had a kismesis with an artistic streak the only thing left for future generations to find would be your bones!

…Was that a joke? He couldn’t really tell with the way she spoke, but the little smirk creeping its way up her mouth made him think it was actually supposed to be funny… Ironically, this worked in her favor. Finally seeing her fail at something, seeing her be a little bit of an awkward dork… It put a chip in the mold John had subconsciously put her in. He was reminded that this was, in fact, a person. Not a caricature, not a kickass broad for him to be vaguely afraid of, but a huma- well, a troll with interests and things she’s bad at. A smile spread across John’s face as well, and he began to giggle.

John: hehehehe, okay. i suppose i'll just have to trust you on that, although it does seem a little unbelievable that a whole society would have no ideas about what happens after they die.
Aradia: i did not say that
Aradia: i just said we dont do anything with the bodies
Aradia: the state-sponsored religion at the moment believes that if we are
Aradia: and i quote
Aradia: motherfucking righteous enough
Aradia: then our will ascend to the dark carnival post mortem
Aradia: full of mirth and miracles and special stardust
Aradia: i never personally bought into any of it
Aradia: i suppose that is part of why i left

Oh my fucking god. What? The moment Aradia stopped talking (because a gentleman wouldn’t interrupt her), John burst into laughter. Seriously?... He’d never thought Dave’s comprehensive knowledge of shitty rap would ever come into play, like, EVER, but there’s a first time for everything. God, he was having serious trouble catching his breath. Aradia just stood there, seemingly patient as John had a good chuckle over her society’s customs. Jeez. As he finally ran out of breath, John took a deep breath and spoke.

John: haaaaaaaahhhhhhhh........ okay, sorry, i'll stop. i'm sure i must seem super insensitive right now, but-
Aradia: it is fine this isnt the first time i have spoken with a human about this
Aradia: i assume you are referring to the
Aradia: "insane clown posse"?
John: yup, that's the one! Dave?
Aradia: dave

Silence slathered itself over the two like a thick paste, equally disquieting in its presence. Oh god, he’d finally managed to make it awkward. Sweat trickled down his back, the harsh thumping of his traitorous heart flooding his ears. Quick, time to employ an Egbert classic; Deploy the verbal equivalent of a smoke bomb and hope they forget what just happened! In a single rushed breath, John interjected;

John: hey do you want to go look at the other exhibits for a while?

With that trademark amused corner-tilt John had already gotten used to looking for, Aradia replied.

Aradia: yes john
Aradia: i think i would like that

Wait, she knew his name?... Well, they have a couple mutual friends, and he knows hers, so he supposed that made sense.. Oh well, he had far better things to think about. An invisible weight lifted from his slender shoulders, and he practically skipped ahead, gesturing for Aradia to follow.

* * *

Aradia: so this is what you came here for?
Aradia: from our earlier conversation i did not take you for someone who respects the clowning arts
John: oh, it's more my dad's thing than it is mine. he keeps these little harlequin dolls all over the house, and he even gave a life-sized one to me on my 12th birthday!
John: he seems to think i enjoy them more than i do, but i don't really have the heart to tell him otherwise, you know? he's my dad!
Aradia: ...
John: aw, shit, right. the whole "lusus" thing.
Aradia: it is quite alright john
Aradia: i dont mind
Aradia: i am sure if my lusus had started foisting clown iconography on me i would be similarly disquieted

John felt the familiar breathlessness return to him, focusing his attention once again on Aradia. Blood rushed to his face, evidently a little embarrassed to be staring at her so hard, but it was better than the alternative (throwing a shitfit in front of the mysterious pretty troll girl). He guessed Aradia probably had a more violent association with clownery (from what he’s heard from Karkat, subjugglators are, well, pretty much exactly what they sound like), but she’d asked what he was here for, so he obliged.

Now that he’s taking a second look, her eyes aren’t really all that strange. He’d been a little put off by the fact that their irises were completely black, but now that he’s looking at it more closely, it seems more like one large pupil. Oh, maybe that’s why they have yellow sclera; it’s just a really big iris! It’s actually kind of cute, looking at it that way… Okay, he’s been staring for way too long, right? Aradia’s been looking back for a while now, seemingly studying John’s face, analyzing his little microexpressions as he stared at her. John suddenly averted his eyes, but he’d apparently forgotten why he was staring in the first place.

Suddenly, staring him dead in the eyes was a life-sized replica of Joseph Grimaldi, the father of modern clowning. Of course, John would know that if he had the presence of mind to read the plaque, but that didn’t appear to be the case. All he saw was thick red lips tilted up in a malicious grin, a pallid face that conjured up images of the long dead calcifying in their crypts, and two beady eyes. It might as well have been his own rotting head on a pike staring back at him, because much to his future dismay, John leapt up like a watered cat, letting out a high-pitched “yeiough!” and scampering behind Aradia. As John heard Aradia let out a lilting giggle, the realization of just how profoundly he’d just embarrassed himself crushed him like a quarter-ton of sand.

AA: we dont have to stay here if you dont want to
AA: i enjoy learning about your planet but this
AA: doesnt seem as appealing to me

John looked back up at Aradia, seeing an expression on her face that he could only really interpret as pity. He didn’t really feel great about that, but that was mainly because John didn’t fully understand the implications of a troll pitying someone. As much as John despises Karkat’s constant romance lectures, he’d be in an entirely different position had he paid any attention. Still shivering, John’s gaze fell to the floor.

EB: yeah, uhh... let's go somewhere else.

As they walked away, Aradia’s hand wormed its way around John’s, holding it just a bit tighter than he would’ve expected. Wow, this floor certainly is made of tiles. The tiles are arranged in patterns. Oh boy.

* * *

Well, that was certainly fun. By the end of the day, they had seen around 40% of the available exhibits. That wasn’t a testament to how early they stopped; In fact, they’d been there for a while. Enjoying each-other’s company, laughing (or at least smirking) at uncanny looking wax sculptures, watching Aradia practically skip through the Paleontology exhibit and hearing her remark on multiple occasions just how wonderful it is that humans had been able to dredge up such splendidly old bones, and just in general having a pretty good time. Of course, things were still a bit awkward, and he had willfully refused to reach for her hand the entire time (because oh my god if she pulled away he would just combust and die on the spot), but she was her very own special brand of fun.

EB: well, i think the museum's going to close soon. we should get going.
AA: such a shame
AA: if only the velvet rope of bureaucracy wasnt holding me back
AA: i would be making dirt angels in a pile of beautiful beautiful dinosaur bones right now

Okay, he was certain that was a joke. Certainly a better one than last time. Maybe his substantial Prankster’s Gambit was wearing off on her? No, don’t be a fucking weirdo, John.

EB: hehe, yeah. and i'd have all those shitty harlequins burning at the bottom of a ditch.
AA: you said it

They then proceeded to have the most sicknasty Bunp in all of existence. Hell. Fucking. Yes.
However, right when John was about to walk away and leave things on the highest fucking note in existence, Aradia tapped him on the shoulder.

AA: my chumhandle is ApocalypseArisen
AA: you would do best to remember it

As she walks away, John is struck directly in the chest with two feelings;
A pervasive elation like a gale flooding his veins, spreading from the tip of his head to his toes, causing him to do the silliest little jig anyone ever did see.
And the realization that Aradia Megido is a little bit more of a dork than she lets on. I mean, seriously? “You would do best to remember it”? I don’t think you get to say anything that edgy after threatening to make snow angels in a pile of dino bones.

The moment John got back into his (dad’s) car, he whipped out his phone, pulling up the one place he kept updated on everything; The Groupchat. After adding ApocalypseArisen, of course.

EB: oh my fucking god i was just around aradia for like 4 hours without tripping over my own legs and pissing myself
EB: she gave me her chumhandle
EB: do i get a medal?
TA: no, you get your per2onal 2pace iinvaded and your boundariie2 cro22ed. Congratulatiion2
GC: COM1NG ON 4 L1TTL3 STRONG, 4R3NT W3, M1ST3R 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST?
GC: COULD SOM3ON3 B3... B1TT3R 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG? >:]
TA: fuck off TZ
AC: :33 < purrsonally, im happy fur you, john! even if she makes me really uncomfurtable sometimes, everyone has diffurent tastes!
AC: :33 < i'll be the furst to admit that i didn't have that purring on my wall, but i may have to make some adjustments >:33
EB: well, i don't think i'd go that far! she's just really pleasant to be around, if a little intimidating.
EB: it's not like i plan on throwing myself at her and confessing my undying love or anything silly like that :p
EB: i'm not even sure if i feel that way about her myself to be honest
CG: I'M JUST GOING TO MUTE THIS CHAT FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR. DO WHATEVER MUSHY BULLSHIT YOU NEED TO DO, BUT DON'T DO IT IN A CHANNEL WITH ME IN IT NEXT TIME! TAKE THAT SHIT TO THE DMS, JEGUS...
GC: SP34K1NG OF B1TT3R... >:[

John put his phone down, turning the key and feeling the metal beast thrum to life beneath him. He could deal with whatever he just set in motion when he’s home with a mug of hot cocoa and 17 blankets.

Chapter 2: So, do you want that hot chocolate now?

Summary:

That fucker is DRENCHED.

Notes:

I'm back! This one's shorter than I would've liked it to be, but I wanted to put something out finally. I'll continue this soon enough.

John awoke to a sudden THUD on his window, followed by countless other tiny patterings. Jeez, he could even hear them on the roof. Innumerable little chunks of ice thudded against the shingles, leaving little marks in the painted walls. Good thing he’s not out there, huh? He remained snuggled inside the bed, basking in his own warmth trapped inside the covers, keeping him complacent. He didn’t have any classes today, so he could just stay in bed all day, but… No, that just wouldn’t work. He’d spent many a day like that over the past year, and while it would be so easy to repeat the cycle… he had other things to worry about.

Oh god, he had so many things to worry about! All of the little awkward things he did at the museum start flowing back to him, all the times he stumbled over his words, all the times he accidentally stared at Aradia’s breasts (It’s a little hard not to when you’re at chest level, okay?), and all the little insensitive things he said. God, why did she even give him her chumhandle?... That’s right!

A mote of light returned to John’s bleary eyes, driving him to sidle out of bed and halfheartedly tug a t-shirt out of his open dresser. It was dyed a deep green, a pattern of interlocking vines spreading around the fabric. He’d gotten it on a thrifting trip with Jade last year. Jade had really liked the design, but it hadn't fitted her, so she’d ended up foisting it on him. It was a little worn, but it reminded him of her. She’d gone off to college by now, finally able to pursue an actual education outside of Dead-Grandpa-Island. Of course, it stung whenever he got one of her letters. Talking about how well classes are going, how much she loves her teachers… But he couldn’t focus on that. He wouldn’t let himself be that kind of person.

The old clackety on-key of John’s old laptop still felt nice and crunchy against his finger. Sure, he’d had newer computers, but they’d all stopped working, one way or another. Planned obsolescence is certainly one of the concepts of all time. With his similarly elderly mouse, John booted up Pesterchum, logging in to his account with a couple well-practiced strokes of the keyboard. Clickety Clackety.

AC: :33 < but yeah, it was just supurr off-pawtting!
AC: :33 < i'm just gonna not think about it until i furget anyways, so it's fine :33
CT: D --> Nepeta, I STRONGLY advise you report to the authorities about this
CT: D --> Your safety is
CT: D --> Euurghhhh
CT: D --> "Purramount"
AC: :33 < as much as you know i apurreciated that, i'm not going to the fucking purr-lice!
AC: :33 < i'm not a narc! >:333
AC: :33 < and besides, i can purrtect myself!

Okay, there was clearly something already going on there. John had no idea what was going on with Nepeta, but even he could put together how bad of an idea it would be to interrupt now. ’hey guys, i know nepeta might be in actual physical danger, but can we focus on how scared i am to talk to a girl? I need my friends to handle my problems for me!”. Bluh, I’ll be fine. Just gotta…
Doing his level best to put aside his pounding heart and trembling fingers, John double-clicked on Aradia’s name in his chumroll. She must have added him back overnight. Oh, and she’s online! Okay, no excuses. Just do it. Come on now.

EB: i know it's a little rough outside, but do you wanna come over? i have cocoa and movies!

Sure, that’s fine! A little desperate, but he’s just not gonna think about it until she answers. John clamps a bit of loose skin on the back of his left hand with his right fingernails, focusing his mind on the sensation. Breath in… Breath out. Alright, he’s fine. Oh, that was fast! She’s not too busy, huh?

AA: yes thats probably for the best
AA: my house is a sort of crypt at the moment
EB: haha, yeah, i get that. my room's pretty messy right now too.
AA:not really what i meant but okay
AA: ill be there soon
EB. roger that!.

Hopping up from his shockingly expensive chair (ergonomics come at a premium, yo), John scampered about his room, scooping up piles of depression-mess by the armfull. Okay, all the clothes go in the basket, all the trash goes in the can… Wow, it really got this bad, huh? There was a truly unfortunate amount of plastic wrappers just absentmindedly shunted into some obscure corner, along with cans of cheap tea piled up under his desk. It was a good thing she hadn't just shown up at his door.

The multicolored waste let out little crinkle-crankle sounds when John wrapped his hand around the pile, like the world's most disposable Rice Krispies. All the tiny sharp-ish edges in the conglomerate of wrappers and packaging made carrying it over to the downstairs bin an arduous experience, but it was worth it to not come off like a total slob.

He could run the carpet over with a vacuum, but it wasn't obviously horrifying, and he wasn't sure he had the time. The only thing easy enough to do before Aradia got here was some light dusting, and that flew by pretty fast. He might have backslid a good amount since leaving school, but John still kept a spray bottle and paper towels in his dresser. He wasn't a monster.

Finally, John pulled back his curtains to less effect than he would have liked (hail tends to do that), inspecting his work. It still needed some elbow grease, but it was CERTAINLY better than before. Where there were once dark corners stuffed with tamped-down plastic refuse, the mildly dirty floor underneath now shone through. It still wasn't the room of someone with his life together, but it was livable. He wouldn't combust in shame the instant Aradia walked through the door.

Ding-Dong!

Speak of the Devil, and she shall appear. Think of the Devil? Internally narrate about the Devil? Either way, she’s here. Waiting at the front door. Probably not the best time to be sitting in your room and staring at the floor, John! Get to it already.

John nearly slid down the stairs, making little thumps of sock against hardwood as he booked it to the front door. He hadn’t told his dad that Aradia was coming over, but he probably wouldn’t mind, right? More than likely he’d just be happy John was socializing again. Either way, he’d still be out doing whatever it was he did for a couple hours more at the very least. John skidded to a halt, grasping the sleek bronze doorknob. After a second or two of unsuccessfully trying to flatten out his 'do, he flung the door open to reveal an absolutely sopping Aradia. Her hair was drenched, peppered with hailstones and punctuated by two smooth horns curling outward. It seemed to be straining towards the ground, weighed down by the water currently dribbling onto his front porch. She looked like she'd taken a dip in the lake before coming over.

EB: quick, get inside!

Aradia stepped through the threshold with far less urgency than John would’ve expected from someone getting out of the hail, her eyes flitting across the room, a blank expression on her face. John rocked back and forth on his heels, brain utterly paralyzed. It’d be much easier to think if there wasn't a 6’11 shetroll almost certainly making silent judgments about his living situation. He thinks, at least. He’s not a mind reader.

AA: your hive looks nice
AA: cozy
AA: im guessing the little harlequins are the doing of your lusus?
EB: yeah, i try not to look at them for too long.

Silence. John’s mouth stretched into a thin line, now very aware of the array of little glass figurines peppered about the living room. He tried not to think about them too hard, and anyways, he spent most of his time in his room, so they weren’t a HUGE deal. Left foot tapping incessantly at the hardwood, John broke the silence.

EB: wanna see my room?

Well, at least he said SOMETHING. The quiet had stretched on just a little too long. John wrapped his arms behind his back, interlocking his fingers.

AA: sounds
AA: interesting

Aradia extended a hand, signaling John to latch on. After a second of hesitation, he reached out and gingerly wrapped his fingers around hers. Her hands were rough, callused fingers betraying a lifetime of struggling to survive. John had heard stories about Alternia from his other troll friends, and it didn’t sound too fun, particularly for lowbloods like her and Tavros. Or maybe she was just a really dedicated carpenter, he didn't know her that well.

All he really knew in the moment was that her hands were really warm. Warm to the point that if he had somehow missed the fact that she was an alien, he would’ve whipped out the thermometer and gotten her some Dayquil. He’d heard that the lower you are on the hemospectrum, the warmer your blood, but he’d kinda assumed it didn’t get warmer than humans. Ya know, with the whole 'mammal' thing. It was comforting, like those microwavable heating pads you put on a sprain.

After having spent a couple seconds inspecting the sensation of Aradia’s hand, you know, like a freakazoid, John finally realized that he was probably supposed to be taking her to his room. He bolted up the stairs with her in tow, driven by sheer embarrassment. He tried the knob, but his palms were simply far too sweaty. Insert hamfisted eminem quote here. Rubbing the sweat off on his jeans, he thankfully got it on the second try. No rule of thirds here, motherfucker.

John’s room hadn't changed much over the years. Sure, he’d put up a poster when he got into a new movie, add a new figurine on the pile every couple weeks, but the underpinnings were the same as they were in his preteens. John, ever avoidant, very pointedly decides not to think about what that said about him, a college aged adult man. Not that he felt like one.

EB: so, this is my room! its a little messier than id like but this was kinda short notice, haha.

AA: its warm and dry so im pretty enthused all things considered

Well, fair point. With how hard it was coming down out there, he'd be happy to be pretty much anywhere other than outside. John sat on his bed, gesturing with an open hand to the rest of the room.

EB: take a seat anywhere you like! oh, but please don't get my computer wet. if that's okay.

Aradia sat right where she was standing, seemingly content to keep staring at him. Sitting bowlegged, the bulky troll took up around half as much space as his entire bed. Aradia looked like she was mapping out his face in her brain, scanning over every scratch and pockmark left by the passing years. That usually would've been profoundly creepy on anyone but his closest friends, but she pulled it off.

After a couple more moments of silence (he really should've planned what he was going to do when she got here), Aradia leapt to her feet, walking over to the door.

AA: excuse me for a moment

Before he could respond, she was gone, her steady footfalls growing softer. Shit. It had been a while since he'd had to host, but he hadn't expected himself to be this bad at it. He heard her open his bathroom door, and a moment later, he heard her step inside. He decided to stop listening so intensely at that point.

Suddenly, John heard a loud splash hitting porcelain, like 5 minutes of rain falling all at once. Kinda hard to miss that one, even if you aren’t actively listening. Soon enough, she was walking back up the hallway, eventually coming to his doorway mostly dry. Her hair and her clothes were still a little damp, but she wasn’t dripping all over the carpet anymore.

EB: …what? how did you… what?

Aradia lifted her arm, ashen hand laying limp before twisting up at an impossible angle. Without warning, his pillow shot up to the ceiling, hovering there for a moment before dropping back down. John startled, twitching a little.

AA: telekinesis

Ah. He’d heard that was an option for trolls, but he hadn’t met anyone with that particular talent other than Sollux. She could pick him up without even touching him… Nope, he’s not thinking about that anymore. Not with her in the room.

wait, so you just shunted all that water off yourself with your mind powers? Why couldn’t you have just… i don’t know, hovered a tarp over your head?

AA: i don’t mind the water
AA: but now im not getting your hive wet

Fair enough. He certainly wasn’t going to complain, although the precision required to shunt all the water off that quickly must have been incredible. Now, what was he going to… Oh, that’s right! He’d promised her something!

 

EB: thanks!... so, do you want that hot chocolate now?

AA: i would like that very much

Chapter 3

Summary:

John and 'Radia have a wonderful time sitting down.

John stared at his guest as she tilted back the scalding mug, dumping near-boiling hot cocoa directly into her throat. With her thumb and index finger still wrapped around the white porcelain handle, Aradia gingerly placed the mug back on the countertop.

AA: mmm
AA: that's the stuff alright

...Aliens.

John could ignore it most of the time, but sometimes it dawned on him just how different they were. Of course, that was to be expected given their origins. In fact, the strange thing about trolls was how similar they were to humans (at least externally), but it was that similarity that kept their inhumanity from causing friction… Well, most of the time.

AA: man
AA: there's a lot i still like about troll media
AA: but your garfield wins hands down

Case in point: the newspaper currently hovering in front of Aradia’s face. Utterly still, seemingly held up by nothing but empty air.

Gosh, that must be convenient.

EB: he’s fine, i guess! i’m more of a heathcliff guy myself.

John wrapped his hands around his own mug, warming up as he waited for the drink to cool down. Sadly, he did not have the constitution to throw back a mug-full of boiling liquid directly into his weak, fleshy throat.

AA: ill have to check him out then

For about 10 seconds, neither of them said anything. Aradia tilted the mug over her head, tapping out the last couple droplets of sweet brown ambrosia into her gaping maw. John dipped his pinky into his cocoa, hissing through his teeth and yanking it out a moment later.

EB: …
AA: …

Social skills were a muscle. John knew this. You had to work at them regularly, stretching your limits day by day. Building confidence. That sort of thing.

He could talk through text like a champ. His online friends all thought he was pretty funny, and he was a niche internet microcelebrity in certain niche movie-appreciation circles. If he had invited Aradia to a Pesterchum diatribe about the ups and downs of John Woo’s directorial chops in Face/Off (he thought the church scene still held up quite well), he would be in his element. Thriving.

This was not his element.

The most IRL socializing he’d done in the last month was being forced to go to a Nepeta Party (which were at least a little fun, but didn't usually involve him breaking new ground socially), and the most IRL socializing he’d done last week had been sitting in a cramped lecture hall and being completely silent for 50 minutes.

This was not his element. It might've been in the past, but times had changed, and he had changed with them.

He tightened his grip on the mug, feeling the hot porcelain against his tender skin. His lips pressed together, mouth flattening out in a grimace. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Aradia giving him that same inscrutable look. Pity.

A knot twisted in his stomach.

AA: so

Aradia had put down the mug, elbow resting on the counter as she cradled her chin in her hand. Even bent over like this, she was still towering over him.

After a couple moments of contemplation, John decided to stop thinking about how tall she was. He was flustered enough already.

AA: movies?

Oh, hell yes.

John’s back straightened out, mug left wobbling on the counter from how fast he had stood up.

Movies.

Remember all that whining about ‘not being in his element'? Throw that all away. Put it in the garbage. This was his element. He had spent his entire life preparing for this moment. He sent a prayer of thanks to past John for giving him such an easy out when he’d sent that message inviting Aradia over.

EB: movies!
EB: let's! let's go!

He speedwalked back into the living room, snatching the remote off the end table and flicking on the TV. He'd attached a small media server he’d learned how to set up online a couple years ago to one of the HDMI ports, so he just had to click a couple buttons and BOOM! His entire collection at his fingertips.

John fwomped back on the couch, his remote-arm pressing into the armrest. Soon enough, Aradia filed in after him, staring blankly at the bare bones UI of his file manager

AA: do you not have netflix

John turned to face her, straightening out his back.

EB: no, but this is better!
EB: i shelled out for a pretty big SSD, so i have, like TERABYTES of pretty much anything we could want to watch!
EB:i even have some troll movies on here, but, um. mostly the ones karkat likes.
AA:i guess that makes sense

John turned back to face the screen, tabbing through various folders while he thought. His mind was racing. So many possibilities!! He probably shouldn't put on anything he was too invested in already. If she didn't like one of his favorites, then he’d probably just shrivel up and die.

John turned his head away from the screen, speaking.

EB: do you kn- !!!

Oh. She’d. She’d already sat down.

Right next to him.

How hadn't he noticed? Their thighs were touching, and now that he felt it he couldn't stop feeling it, but…

He craned his neck back, peering up as she stared down at him. She looked amused, the corners of her lips curved slightly up. That was probably good, right?

AA: i dont know what im in the mood for if thats what youre asking
AA: i havent seen a human movie yet

John’s eyes widened, his mouth opening. She answered his question before he could even ask it.

AA: ive just been busy
AA: all things considered we havent been on earth for that long

Oh, that's fair. He'd ask what she was so busy with, but even with his social skills atrophied he could still tell that would be a mood killer.

That was assuming there was even a mood in the first place, which he still wasn't really sure of, but hey. Fake it ‘til you make it, right?

EB: should i just pick something, then?

He’d normally be a little more thorough (eg: what kind of stories do you like? what kind of mood are you in right now?), but John knew that every question he asked was another chance to royally screw the pooch, so he stayed his tongue.

AA: sure
AA: you seem to be the expert

…Okay. He could work with this.

John picked the remote back up (he’d dropped it in the chaos), navigating to a specific folder. He felt his right leg press into her left, the fabric of her pants rubbing against his as he shifted in his seat. She was warm. So, so warm. He should think about something else now.

John Egbert had a system for organizing his movies. Once they were in their appropriate folders, he sorted them alphabetically, but he found it a little boring to just apply that to the whole list, so he had a system. First by Genre, then by Rating (personal criteria), then alphabetically. He even had a couple custom scripts set up to rearrange the folders to sort by director, or by producer, or by Aradia’s arm is resting on his shoulder. She’d snaked it behind his neck, and because of the height difference, he could feel her fingers brushing against his waist. Gosh. Gosh. He had a portable thumb drive with some of his personal favorites stashed in his backpack. Gosh.

EB: aradia?

John’s voice was so squeaky. Had he always sounded like that? He didn't think so, but he was having a very hard time remembering. For some reason.

AA:hm?

She tilted her head back down, her arm shifting slightly into a more comfortable position. She had that same blank, inscrutable expression as always, black eyes piercing his soul. She didn't seem to think anything was out of the ordinary.

Honestly, he knew he’d been overreacting. He felt like a bit of a creep for getting all flustered over what he was sure was, to her, something entirely platonic, but… he hadn't been the subject of any ‘physical affection’ since highschool. It was bad. His friends knew it was bad, he knew it was bad… Hell, even his dad knew it was bad. It made being around the women and strangely attractive men in his life very difficult. Nepeta, angel that she was, had even offered to help him get over his jitters, but it hadn't felt right. He didn't want something like that to happen out of pity.

(Irony.)

In summary: Stop focusing on it so much. This is normal. This is almost certainly normal. Breathe in, Breathe out. Breathe in, Breathe out. Addams Family.

EB: addams family?

While internally monologuing, John had pulled up his choice for Aradia’s First Human Movie: the 1991 Addams family. It was funny, heartwarming, and Raul Julia was simply irreplaceable as Gomez Addams. Besides…

John tilted his head back up, looking at Aradia’s ghostly pallor. Her deep red lipstick. Her pitch black mane. Her ghoulish demeanor.

He didn't know how much of it she was going to get, per se, but that would be a problem with any movie. Starting with something generally entertaining that seemed up her wheelhouse was about as good as he could be expected to do.

AA: addams family?
EB:um, yeah! it's pretty good, i think. it's about this creepy human family that live in this big creepy house, and, um.

Come on, John. Play it cool. Act like you don't have the plot memorized.

EB: i think this one has something to do with their uncle?
EB:oh, an uncle is
AA:i know what an uncle is, john.
EB:oh. sorry.

He felt that knot tighten around his stomach again, sending waves of cold nausea across his body. Gosh. If he’d looked at her, he would've seen her smiling, but he couldn't make himself.

Aradia jostled him a bit, shifting a little closer. John’s head was pressing against the side of her ribcage, his view partially obscured by sideboob. He’d like to say, if asked, that the red flush in his cheeks was because she was just so goddamned warm.. He would actually be partially correct, but not in the way that he'd like to be.

AA:im sure the movie is great
AA:should we start?
EB:oh, um. yeah. probably. we can start. okay.

John was never going to drink that hot chocolate, was he?

Notes:

Shorter chapter this time! Written to get back into the feeling of it. I am very grateful to past-me for outlining where I wanted to go with this. Changed the tool I was using to format the dialogue.

Feedback is appreciated!

Chapter 4: I don't know why I'm like this.

Summary:

It's still pouring.

Evening light streamed in between the curtains, slowly growing darker. In truth, Aradia had only been over for about 2 hours and change, but John tended to sleep in on the weekends. And on the weekdays, if he didn't have any obligations. And sometimes if he did... He's working on it, okay?

AA: that was pretty good

There was about 3 people's worth of space to her right. Instead of sitting a respectable distance away, Aradia was practically draped over him, her arm wrapped behind his shoulders. John had found her presence a little easier to not freak out about once the movie had flipped on (he'd always found it easy to get lost in a good film), but now that it was over...

EB: oh! um!

John squirmed in his seat, trying to wriggle free. Alas, she had him pinched in there pretty good. He could probably get out if he forced it, but... nah. He didn't hate this enough to risk making things awkward.

It was actually pretty comfortable. It was pretty chilly, what with all the hail, and she was soft enough to relax into. He'd been pretty okay when he'd been able to avoid thinking about it, but that came less easy without a movie to watch, and when he wasthinking about it... Gosh. Don't be a pervert, John.

EB: what did you like about it? did anything stand out?

Aradia shifted, easing up the pressure for a moment.

AA: i didnt get some of the jokes
AA: but the ones i did were pretty good
AA: i dont know what a charity auction is but i know plenty about 'desperate howling demons'
AA: and i assume coughing up blood is still supposed to be bad over here

John nodded, leaning to the left.

AA: i thought the hand was pretty funny

Well, at least she has good taste.

EB: haha, yeah!

If this were online, John would have something much better to say. He'd give her recommendations on what to watch next, or share his own thoughts on the cinematography or the casting or something, but the words just weren't coming. Every time he'd be on the brink of having something to say, she'd shift a little, and he'd feel her fingers brush against his waist, and...

God, she must think he was pathetic. Couldn't even hold a conversation. Looking back up, though, she was still smiling... Odd.

AA: so

Aradia stood up, sliding her arm out from behind John's back. She clapped her hands together, leaning down a bit and grinning wide. Her hair, dangling a foot or two above the ground (she had a LOT of hair), brushed against his leg.

AA: what's next?
EB: what?
AA: well we have had cocoa
AA: and we have moved
AA: so everything we set out to do has been done
EB: oh! yeah, that.
AA: im enjoying myself still so id like to stay
AA: but if you need some space i shall take my leave

She gestured at the door with her thumb. The welcome mat was still drenched from her arrival, along with a trail of droplets leading across the carpet and up the stairs.

EB: no, stay!

John shouted, shaking his head fervently. Maybe a little loud, but Dad had raised him better than to send a lady out into pouring rain, much less hail.

Besides all that, even with how bad he was at socializing, he'd still been having fun. Aradia had a presence about her that he thoroughly enjoyed; the strange way she moved her limbs, the delightful little rasp in her voice...

Also, she'd actually been paying attention to the movie. That was always nice to see.

...In retrospect, he shouldn't have shouted. Weird. Weird and desperate. Gosh, John. You'll scare her away.

EB: would you wanna watch something else? there's plenty of addams family stuff out there.
AA: i dont know if i have another movie in me
AA: at least not tonight
EB: that's fair! i guess we can...

John hadn't realized until now how boring his house was. 90% of the stuff he did in here was at the TV or on the computer, and he couldn't exactly just sit down and have her watch him fuck around in Vegas Pro.

Aradia, noticing he'd trailed off, straightened her back and spoke first.

AA: we can just hang out i dont mind

She rustled around in her right pocket, pulling out a palmhusk. He'd gotten used to the sight of troll tech after going to a couple Nepeta Parties, but the things still weirded him out a little.

She held it out, clicking a button on the side. The screen flared to life, glowing a sickly yellow.

AA: waterproof
EB: ...cool!

Aradia turned around, walking towards the stairs. She waved her hand in the universal gesture for 'cmon', coaxing him towards the stairs.

AA: mind if we hang out in your room
AA: i want to lie down

John nodded, paused, then realized she couldn't see him. Doy.

Just as he was about to speak, though...

AA: alright then
AA: follow me i guess.

Had she... had she seen that? Huh?

John was confused. Still, he followed.

_ _ _ _

Aradia pressed her hand against the surface of his bed, sidling in gently. He'd managed to save up enough for an upgrade from his childhood bed, so she did actually fit on this one, but the frame probably wasn't strong enough for her to fling herself on the duvet like he did.

Back in his room, John was starting to get a little insecure about his decor. Sure, movie posters and nothing else is fine when you're dicking around on your own, but actually having someone over made them feel a little silly. He should spruce the place up a little when he has the time.

Aside from ruminate on the poor state of his quarters, John wasn't really sure what he was supposed to be doing now that she was settled... maybe he would be messing around on Vegas Pro after all. As he turned around to face his computer, though...

AA: what are you doing

John whirled back around, tilting his head. Aradia was lying on her side, left arm pressed against the covers. Her palmhusk sat in her left hand, still on.

She patted the space in front of her, looking at him expectantly.

AA: cmon

John balked, freezing up. He had no idea how he was supposed to act here. He felt a clenching in his chest. Was he afraid?

AA: im not going to bite you
EB: no, i didn't think...
EB: you're sure?
AA: john
AA: its cold
AA: do humans not know what cuddling is
EB: no, i know, but. um.

She raised her eyebrows, patting the bed again. John felt like he was standing at the edge of a cliff. He didn't entirely know why he was so scared, but...

EB: fine! whatever!

He placed both hands on the bedspread in front of her, hoisting himself up. After a bit of wriggling and some help from Aradia's arm around his waist, his back was pressed against her stomach. Feeling her chest pressing against/wrapping around the back of his head, he frantically tried to scoot away, but she held him in place.

AA: john. relax.
AA: im not gonna explode because your head touched my boobs
AA: honestly
AA: what is it with humans and boobs

John, not in nearly the right state of mind to answer her question, mumbled something affirmative and tried to relax. He felt like he was on fire.

AA: alright then

She raised her left hand a little, bringing her phone to her face. The way he was positioned, John was laid on top of her left bicep, but he didn't seem to weigh enough for her to mind. He could feel her arm shifting ever-so-slightly as she moved her thumbs, tapping and swiping at whatever it was she was looking at.

He knew she was probably strong enough to lift him above her head, but she was soft. God, she was soft. From her thighs pressing against his rear to her stomach, protruding just enough to mold against his back... It was excruciating. He couldn't even think about his head without edging into dangerous territory.

Every ounce of his being was dedicated to the sole purpose of not pitching a tent.

AA: hehe

Aradia giggled, shifting her left hand a little closer to her face. At that same time, almost absentmindedly, her right slid down his stomach. Her fingers were just barely touching the fabric of his loose T-shirt. The heartbeat thumping in his ear was almost deafening.

Logically, he didn't know why he was so afraid. Sure, it felt a little improper to get this physical with a girl he didn't really know, but he was an adult, and she was clearly on board. Still, he was afraid.

Hell, he'd been like this the whole night. She had been nothing but relaxed and friendly, and he was still petrified of doing something wrong. Pitching a tent, squirming too much, saying the wrong thing....

Maybe he just really, really wanted her to like him.

Maybe she was just a little scary.

Oblivious to his inner monologue, Aradia shifted her weight onto her hips, pressing her left knee between his legs.

AA: hehehehe

John bit his lower lip, focusing very, very hard on the sensation of teeth clamping around soft flesh. All the rationalization in the world couldn't stop this. An unstoppable torrent of clenching, gnashing fear sprang from the pit of his stomach.

Aradia noticed around the time he started shivering.

AA: woah
AA: john are you okay

She pulled back her errant leg, sliding her arms off John and scooting back against the wall until she wasn't touching him

AA: talk to me
AA: i thought we were having fun

Fetal position. Nails digging into palms. Breathe in. Breathe out.

He'd ruined everything.

EB: i don't
EB: i'm
EB: i'm sorry
EB: i don't know why im

Shit.

_ _ _ _

Aradia sat up, hands tentatively raised as she looked down at John. He was trembling.

God, why hadn't she noticed sooner? She'd almost had to physically pull him into bed, and he'd been so twitchy, and... She'd just thought he was shy.

Aradia reached out, hoping to comfort him, but pulled back at the last moment. He clearly didn't want to be touched.

How were you supposed to comfort someone without touching them? She wasn't all that pale for him in the first place, but he needed help. She didn't know how to help him.

AA: do you have a moirail i could call

John shook his head, hands wrapped around the back of his neck.

AA: okay
AA: do you want to talk about it

His back heaved, shuddering breaths pulling in and pushing out. She didn't think it was supposed to be this loud.

She waited. Her eyes wandered to her phone as she considered her options. Nepeta would know what to do here. Aradia wasn't built for this. She didn't...

EB: i don't know
EB: i don't

His breathing was slowing down bit by bit, fingers loosening. She placed her palm on the covers next to him, letting him feel her through the shifting of the fabric.

AA: take your time
EB: ...
AA: the only reason i wanted to cuddle in the first place
AA: is because I thought it would calm you down
AA: I dont need you to do anything

He still wasn't talking. At least he was shuddering less.

Every ounce of blood in Aradia's body was screaming at her to hold him, to wrap him up in her arms, squeeze him tight, and never let go, but... That wasn't what he needed.

She wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

EB: i'm okay

His breath evened out, body slowly uncurling until he fell on his back. His cheeks were wet.

EB: i don't know why i

John's breath hitched, cutting him off. He winced.

AA: you dont need to tell me anything
AA: just breathe

A couple minutes passed. John's chest rose and fell, his eyes closed as he clenched and unclenched his hands. He spoke, voice worn and raspy.

EB: i didn't hate it.
AA: ?
EB: being held.
EB: it was nice for a bit.
EB: and then i just

He shuddered, pausing for a moment to take another deep breath.

EB: i don't know why i'm like this.
EB: ...messed everything up...

Aradia had some ideas, but she kept quiet. Now wasn't the time. She placed a hand on his shoulder, relaxing when it became apparent it wasn't going to set him off.

AA: john
AA: i still like you
AA: and i still want to be here

His eyes fluttered open. She met his gaze, squeezing his shoulder. His eyes were a deep, beautiful blue, and the way he looked at her...

She was better now. She'd grown as a person, and she wasn't just going to do the things she wanted to do, particularly at a time like this... but gog, did she want to. She was hopeless.

EB: could we...

Notes:

last line will make sense once next chapter comes out.