Work Text:
Donna was gone. It was probably for the best, his recent track record with companions wasn't great, hell his whole track record was awful. There were a few outliers, but overall it was smarter if he went alone. This meant though that there was no one stopping him from doing something stupid. Like getting utterly fucking shitfaced in pubs on Earth. That was something people did when their heart got broken right?
Now, rather annoyingly for the Doctor and his plan, time lords had a much higher tolerance for the stuff than a normal human. An easy way around that was ginger. A timelords weakness. Well, two thousand and six, around Christmas, probably a good time to get gingerbread and get pissed. So, he set his destination for somewhere in London, somewhere he hadn't been wit Rose, and let his ship rattle him there.
He soniced another cash point, not nearly as dramatically as he'd resorted to earlier, but he took the money and wandered off into the street until he could find a shop. The first open one he found, he went in. There was a discounted box of gingerbread men sat on a shelf near the entrance, and with those in hand he went to pay. Once outside he slipped them into his pocket and headed in a random direction in search of a pub.
It didn't take him long. After all, he was searching in England, London at that. Pubs were everywhere. It was easy to slip into one after another and drink his pain away. Between pubs he'd have a gingerbread man, and by the time the box was empty, he was on his fifth pub. Jack would have loved to see him like this, drunk out of his mind. Well, jokes on Jack he wasn't a very happy drunk.
"Her name was Rose, and she's gone now," he told another person who had asked why he was drinking so much.
"Oh man, I'm sorry dude," they said, before leaving him to it.
It was as he sat at the bar, sipping away on his drink and watching the humans go about their business, that the idea hit him. Sat at one of the tables with a small group of people was a heavily tattooed man. It was the bright rose tattoo that had caught the Doctor's attention though. It was a reckless idea, not at all thought out. He did know a good tattoo parlour on a nice planet, not to hard of a trip to make. He'd taken Ace there several times, and it was nice enough.
It wasn't until he was stumbling out of the pub that he realised just how drunk he was. He'd stumbled into several walls just trying to get in the general direction of the Tardis. Well, there went the idea of getting a rose tattoo. Except, the universe had deigned he deserved one small thing, and their right in front of him, was a tattoo parlour. It certainly wasn't a decent looking one, and from the signs it usually catered to the drunk, but it was good enough.
"Hey man," the person at the front desk greeted.
"Hi, how much would a rose tattoo be?" the Doctor asked, leaning slightly on the front desk.
"Depends on the size man," they said, "when would you be wanting to get it?"
"Right now if possible, and I want it on my hip," he said. The person nodded and called someone out from the back.
"Does it mean anything?" the new person asked him.
"It's a um memorial tattoo, in remembrance of my um partner," the Doctor explained sadly. Could he even really call Rose his partner? Maybe not. He would though. That was where the Doctor's memory failed him, he knew that with time he'd remember the rest of the night, but when he woke, that was the last thing he could actually remember.
It was enough though for him to know that itchy like, vague pain on his hip was a tattoo. It was also enough for him to understand just why his head felt like it was trying to crack itself open. His mouth felt dry, and tasted strange. He was just glad he didn't feel like he needed to throw up. He didn't want to open his eyes in fear it was to bright, so instead he relaxed into the comfortable bed. It felt different to normal, and he couldn't tell what it was but the space smelt different too.
With a groan, the Doctor dragged himself up and blinked his eyes open. Where he had expected the blues and browns of his own room he was instead met with the pinks and whites of Rose's old room. Well, that explained why he'd been so comfortable then. The Tardis dimmed the lights for him, and he left Rose's room.
With one final look into what had been Rose's respite from the chaos of their travels, he closed the door. There was now a lock on it, and the key was already in the door. With a sigh, he locked it. It was for the best. He couldn't keep sleeping in there, it was Rose's room and it always would be. Besides, he had his own room.
It was in the bathroom mirror of his own en-suite that he finally looked at the tattoo. It wasn't too big, but it did cover a good portion of the side of his hip. Just the rose bud was visible, as if it was being looked at from above, and several leaves rested around it. Most of it was in black, but there were the odd lines in pink and yellow. Despite it being a spur of the moment drunk decision, he actually rather liked it.
His suits cover it, and he sees no need to bring up the fact he had a tattoo. It never seemed to fit in to conversation either. He knew though that whenever he talked about Rose, his hand would rest over the tattoo, the closest thing he had now to holding her hand. If only he could hold her hand again, maybe then it wouldn't feel like the universe was weighing down on him and trying to take every last thing from him.
When Martha came aboard, he told her all about Rose. Well, as much as he could without crying and deciding to get drunk again. She didn't seem to fully understand she was so important to him, but he didn't want to tell her every last detail of his and Rose's relationship. It wasn't until they had to go into hiding that he even mentioned a tattoo.
"Oh, and Martha, we may end up in a time period where it's important I don't have a tattoo, so don't let me mention it, at all. If I try to talk about it with you, tell me some clever lie to stop me telling anyone else about it," he warned. Martha certainly seemed confused, but they didn't really have time to deal with it, so he shrugged her questions off and got it over with.
It turned out he need not worry, John Smith was just as secretive of the tattoo as he was. In his mind it was a memorial for a dead lover, and while John remembered Rose, he pretended not to when she appeared in his journals. A memorial for a dead lover, oh how he hoped that wasn't true. Though, in a way, it was. Rose Tyler was dead to this universe, and he'd never get to see her again. Not without breaking the walls of the universe, or risking whole timelines.
The next time it came up was with the Master. He'd been watching him bathe, to make sure he didn't escape, and he saw the tattoo.
"Oh oh oh! That's got to have a story!" the Master said, grinning at him the same manic way he always did. The Doctor didn't give him anything. Not at first anyway. Eventually though, he dragged information about Rose out of him. From there it seemed that the Master found out everything he could about her.
It was actually his taunts about Rose that kept him going. What would she think in this situation? What would she do in his place? He knew though, that had she been there, that she would be walking the Earth below side by side with Martha. He didn't let the Master ruin his memory of Rose, and with every breath he did his best to defy his old friend.
When everything ended up working out, he didn't try to fight Martha on her leaving. If he'd actually stuck to just the one thank you trip then none of that would have happened, and the Master would die at the end of the universe with everyone else. He spent a good chunk of time after her leaving though, wondering how Rose would have handled it all. Much better than him, that was for sure.
Eventually though the Doctor dragged himself out of his Tardis and got on with his life. He turned the key to Rose's room into a necklace, reminiscent of the one she had for her key to the ship, and carried it like another part of her. Sometimes the Doctor would wonder how he had ever got on with life without her, the answer was simple, he hadn't known his hearts weren't beating for him but instead for someone else yet.
His hearts had been beating for him, and then he'd met Rose. At first just one heart beat for her, and then he'd died saving her after she saved him. He was made from her love, he was made from his love for her, and as such both his hearts beat for her. Even now. Rose Tyler was what kept him alive, her name, her memory, her. Without her he suddenly felt incomplete. He had spent hundreds of years, not evening caring for humans, not knowing she existed, that she would exist, and now she was the most important person in his life.
And she was gone. Her memory lived in. In a locked room in the Tardis, classified now as a relaxation area and no longer a bedroom, in an impulsive tattoo on his hip, in the key hanging around his neck, in his reckless driving which she had so loved. She hung around in the oddest of places. He made his tea just how she had done for him, he saw her in his routines, sunsets and ice were her now, as was snow. Really, the Tardis had been her home too, and she hung in every corner of the infinite ship. Even the Tardis missed her, he could tell that much.
When he and Donna reunite and are safe in the Tardis, she asked about Rose. She pushed, wanted to know if he found her.
"I can't find her Donna, she's trapped," he said.
"Oh," she had said, "tea?" He thinks that's the moment he knows for certain they would get along.
"I've had ten cups already today," he admits instead.
"Best we make it eleven," Donna said, and he tried to smile. Really he did, but all that came from it was one, singular tear. She doesn't push much after that, just the odd question to better know her spaceman and his lost spacewoman. One of the things she noticed though was that when he spoke about her, or was clearly thinking about her, one of his hands would drift to his hip.
Oh she wanted to ask. She really did, but she didn't. Donna knew that sometimes things were better not shared, and it was likely that was one of them. Whatever his right hip had to do with anything, it was certainly none of her business.
When Donna met Rose in the other universe, the one that had been built around her, she could see why the Doctor liked her. She couldn't wait to travel with them both.
"You're naked!" Donna pointed out to the new Doctor that had just grown from a hand.
"Oh, so I am," he said.
"You have a tattoo!" she said, slamming her hands over her eyes.
"Oh!" he said excitedly. "I do!"
"Why do you have a tattoo?" she asked.
"Well, I got really drunk right after I met you, and I really missed Rose, so I got a rose tattoo," the new one said. Well, it explained why he was always touching his hip.
But things wouldn't work out well for them all, and as soon as she had the intelligence boost, she knew that. She didn't want to know it, pretended she didn't, but she did. She watched as the Doctor left his metacrisis self with Rose in the other universe. Listened to them talk.
"I'm exactly like him Rose, the only difference is I have one heart," the metacrisis said. Donna hoped he'd live. She wouldn't, not unless she got immediate help and even then there wasn't much she could do. She pretended though, acted like she was fine. Tried to offer comfort as the Doctor lost Rose once again.
With the Doctor alone again, he slipped further into his heart ache, further into grief. He wanted desperately to have Rose back, he wanted to break time to have her. Maybe, really, that was why he messed with fixed points. Maybe his heartache was why he went in search of something. Anything. He wanted to feel again. Oh he so desperately wanted to feel again, anything was better than the numbness the loss of Rose caused him. It wasn't fair to the people he saw, the people he failed to save, and part of him knew that. He just wasn't in the right mindset to care.
Oh saving Wilf was an honour. He'd have done even if it meant permanent death for him. His saving grace as such. Though, he really shouldn't have put off his regeneration to check on every last one of his companions. To visit all of them. He visited Susan, before she'd gone to the time war, he visited them all. He crossed so many timelines, but it was only Rose he actually talked to. He shouldn't have, but well, it was Rose.
She was the first face he had seen, and she was the last too. It was just a shame the next him wouldn't have that. That, he supposed, was why he'd put off regenerating for as long as possible. That was why he had ran from death's knock. He wanted his eyes to see his Rose. He wanted to say that he had gazed upon true beauty with his very eyes, and not mean his old eyes. He wanted to know for certain how Rose's hand felt in his. He was scared he wouldn't like tea anymore, or at least Rose's tea.
In the end, he had to regenerate. It was no good putting it off for the rest of time. He couldn't even if he wanted to. Really, he didn't know how the Master had done it. Oh he didn't want to go, of course he didn't, but well he had to. He realised, somewhere in the back of his mind, that regenerating after putting it off for so long was going to be damaging, dangerous even. Around him, the console room burst into flames.
His first thought about what to do upon regenerating was to check himself over. The second thing he wanted to do was grab a mirror and see if his new body was one Rose would've liked. The second thing he did do instead, was crash. He'd honestly only meant to be five minuets, was he really getting that bad? Apparently so. Rose would be laughing at him now. Oh, thinking of her hurt even more than it had. He'd somehow expected it to hurt less, this him having never had Rose. It made sense though, he still loved her. His hearts still beat for her. Both of them. Their familiar rhythm for a woman long gone.
Upon seeing himself through prisoner zero, he wondered if he could be someone Rose would've loved. There was no point dwelling on it, she was safe in another universe, with the metacrisis. He'd probably named himself John, how boring.
It was when he was changing that it hit him. He no longer had his tattoo. Of course he didn't, tattoo's didn't keep through regeneration, but it stung a little. He'd have to remedy that. Maybe this time though, he'd book in advance and get it done at that nice tattoo parlour Ace had liked. The Doctor pushed his plans aside, and got on with reprimanding the prison guard. Really, you couldn't just go about blowing up a planet with sentient life, even if they weren't all that intelligent in the grand scheme of things.
When he heard the engines phasing, again, he'd considered using the chance to get the tattoo. But no, he'd promised he'd be right back and he'd already late once. So, it was just a quick hop to the moon and back. Except he'd been late again. Really, Rose would have a field day with his skills now. It wasn't like he could have actually gotten the tattoo anyway, he was still in his first twelve hours of regeneration.
Before he went to get Rory, and then subsequently tried to fix his and Amy's relationship, he called ahead to the tattoo parlour. He got himself booked in, confirmed the sort of rose he'd want tattooed, and made a note of when and where he needed to be for said tattoo. The date seemed familiar, but well it didn't really matter.
"Where are we going then?" Amy asked, mostly ignoring her fiance.
"I need to go get a tattoo," he told them both.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm very confused," Rory added. Originally, he hadn't wanted Amy and Rory there, but it seemed like it could be a good lesson.
"Welcome aboard!" the Doctor said, grinning at him madly.
"Why do you need to get a tattoo?" Amy asked.
"It's a memorial tattoo, and you two are coming with because it's that or I leave you somewhere and fail to get back on time," he said. Was that the kind of person he was now? Slightly manipulative? Rose, oh she wouldn't like him much anymore would she?
"I, ok then," Rory said.
The tattoo parlour was just how he remembered it. Ace had loved the place, he'd never been to fond of it. It was decorated in a way that always made him feel out of place. At least they did good tattoos.
"Hi," he said, walking up to the counter.
"Hey, any of you the two o'clock rose?" Eliza asked. He knew her name because of Ace, she'd loved talking to her.
"That'd be me," he confirmed. It was then that he realised why the date had seemed familiar. It was one of the many days Ace had gotten a tattoo, and it was the same day she'd been trying to convince him to get one too.
"Come on Professor! Just a small one," Ace pestered his old self. He turned away from them, and let them have their conversation. After all, he already knew how it went. Today really was a day to get his hearts hurt.
"It's not happening Ace, not today not ever," he heard his past self tell her. Oh he wanted to laugh at that. Here he was, the far future of that Doctor, getting a tattoo in Ace's parlour of choice, on the same day he had once sworn of tattoos.
"Well then, if you would come back here with me we can get you ready. Usually we only allow one extra person back there, but I think we'll be fine to bring both of your friends with us," Eliza said, she had also been distracted by Ace and his old self leaving. More so Ace than him of course. It was a shame, he'd not brought Ace back after that. They'd run out of time together, he'd been so cruel to her in the end. The three of them followed after her.
"So Jasper will doing your tattoo, they're just sorting out their equipment back there," she told him.
"Wonderful, Jasper's a brilliant tattoo artist," he said.
"Oh you know him?" Eliza asked.
"My friend used to come here, didn't settle on one style of tattoo, or one artist, but Jasper was always a favourite," he said. He hoped though that he hadn't given himself away, given away that he knew Ace. That would awkward, and hard to explain. Eliza seemed to know he was talking about Ace, or at least suspected it, but she didn't ask any questions.
Eventually, he was settled on the chair and getting the Rose etched into his new skin in the same place. He'd changed up the design a little. This time he had the stem too. It was just the outline, but it was done in the colours of a rose. He'd gone with pink and yellow and for the petals.
"You'd have liked Rose," he said to his new companions, even though he wasn't really sure they would all actually get along.
"A rose for a Rose, really?" Amy asked.
"Oh my Rose liked the flowers too," the Doctor told her.
"What happened to her?" Rory asked softly.
"Oh what happened isn't the important bit Rory, it's what didn't happen," he told them. "I met Rose a long time ago, I took her hand and we ran. I don't think we ever stopped running. She'd say they were the bits in-between, but well we weren't us without the running I don't think."
"Makes sense," Amy said.
"I was a coward though, with Rose. Oh I could stand down an entire army of Daleks, face cybermen head on. Love on the other hand, it terrified me. I may look young, but I am so old now. I knew I'd outlive her, no matter what. I just thought it would be easier if I didn't tell her I loved her," he said.
"Was it?" Rory asked. The tattoo gun's whirring was the only noise for a few seconds.
"Not at all. Rose, oh my sweet, intelligent, Rose, she knew of course. I think she knew from the very beginning that I'd love her. She loved me too. I never did anything, and now she's gone," he explained.
"That's, oh Doctor," Amy said.
"The point is Amy, Rory, if you love someone don't let your fear hold you back. It only makes things worse. You love each other, don't stop and ask why, don't ask if it's really the right thing to be doing, just love each other," he told them.
"She meant a lot to you didn't she?" Amy asked.
"I burnt up a star to say goodbye to her once, I wish I could do it again," he admitted.
"I'm confused now," Rory said, "you're talking like she's dead but you said goodbye."
"Oh Rose Tyler isn't dead, not really anyway. She's dead to this universe, and I can never see her again, but she's got a life. She's even go a version of me. Rose is trapped in a parallel universe with basically a clone of me," the Doctor said.
"That's," Rory said, not sure what it really was.
"Painful," Amy finished for him.
"Yeah, but at least I know she's happy right?" he said, letting a singular tear fall from his eye. If asked he'd claim it was from the tattoo. It wasn't though, not really. And no one asked.
"Yeah," Rory and Amy said.
Once they left, he didn't bring her up again. Both Rory and Amy had tried, but he'd shut them down. It was easier not talking about her. They did notice though that his hand would drift to his hip if the topic was related to love, or somehow connected to Rose. They didn't mention it, and they did their best to avoid topics that they knew hurt.
When House had taken over the Tardis, his first search had been for Rose's room. At first he had feared the worst, after all House had deleted all the bedrooms. The Tardis though directed him to a different category. His ship had long ago recategorized her room. It wasn't until he knew the Ponds were sound asleep that he went in search of it.
It was the first time in years he taken the key from under his shirt. It was always the last thing he removed when he bathed, and excluding those baths and showers, he always had it on. There had been several occasions on which he had considered re-entering the room, but never once had he actually done so.
He took a deep breath, slipped the chain from around his neck, and unlocked the door. It looked how he remembered it, the pinks and white. Her bed was still messy from when he had slept in it the first time he'd gotten the tattoo. His old tie, which he hadn't realised he'd left in there, hung from her headboard. Her clothes still laid scattered on the floor, the door to her wardrobe was still slightly open. Her old makeup still sat on the dresser. The room had been perfectlyr preserved, no time passing at all inside the room. It was like she'd never been gone.
The Doctor had originally intended to just stay in the doorway, check it was in fact Rose's room and not some random closet the Tardis had somehow gotten missed up. Of course, his ship wouldn't actually do that, but the minuscular almost impossible chance wasn't worth the risk. This was Rose, he couldn't risk loosing the rest of her from his home too. His plans never seemed to work out though.
Instead he found himself climbing into her bed once more. Centuries had passed since he had last slept in her room, and yet it felt right. It felt like he was meant to be wrapped in Rose's pink sheets, meant to stare at her room as he contemplated sleeping. Eventually sleep caught up with him. He slept the best he had in years, and he cried in the morning. Once he'd showered in her bathroom, and used her old soaps and shampoos, he pulled himself together and went and found the Ponds. His hand stayed on his hip for most of the day, they didn't comment on it.
Knowing him, and his habits with his tattoo, was how Amy and Rory knew that what he believed in was Rose. They let him leave them at the house, it was clear it was he needed. It was nice to settle down too, but when he came back, or they ran. They didn't regret one second of it.
River found out about the tattoo after that. At first she had been jealous, then she had been slightly heart broken, and then she'd understood. Oh and then she understood more than he could imagine. Though, she didn't have to live like he did, and she couldn't tell him that one day he wouldn't need the tattoo. Part of her desperately wanted to say fuck you to the timelines, but she knew she couldn't. She just hoped that one day the three of them could be together.
The Doctor didn't ask about her change of heart over the tattoo, and she didn't bring it up any more. Eventually though their time together became few and far between, and space in her diary started running out. One of their nicest moments together did however end in them getting drunk and him telling her some stories of Rose. One of which involved a story which ended in him having to carve a statue that looked like Rose.
Later that week the Doctor found the same statue of Rose, Goddess Fortuna, stood in his console room. River never explained how she got it, and he never asked. It took him a lot of effort, but eventually he moved it to a more suitable room. By that he of course meant he moved it to a faux garden, full of rose bushes and willow trees. The statue stood in the center of a gorgeous part of the area like the center piece of a park. A stream made it's way behind it, and benches sat around it. He'd go their to read sometimes.
The Doctor had considered locking it, but he decided against it. The area was too pretty to keep locked away, besides no one else needed to know that the statue was of his beloved Rose, and no one needed to know he had carved it.
Of course, he had cried upon finding it. It was the closest thing he would get to looking at Rose with his own two eyes. She was as beautiful as he remembered. There was something so loving in the way he had carved the statue. She truly was a goddess, at least to him.
"She's beautiful isn't she?" River asked one day when she found him in the garden.
"Truly," he agreed. The Doctor didn't protest when she took his hand, nor when she guided him to a bench.
"Do you think she'd have liked me?" she asked, even though she already knew that her and Rose got on perfectly, he just couldn't know that.
"I think you would have loved her, she would have loved you too," he said, leaning into her.
"Tell me another story about her," River requested.
"When we met, I took her hand and told her run," the Doctor started. River pushed the slight jealousy from her mind, after all their relationship was open and she too loved Rose. Part of her though, it did wonder if he ever spoke of her in the same way. With the same achingly obvious love. With the same devotion.
They pull away again after that, River fearing her time with the Doctor and oh so desperate for a day with them both. She'd already figured out when their last time together would be, but part of her refused to believe that something so romantic would be their final time together.
When he lost Rory and Amy, he went to Vastra and Jenny. He considered taking River with him, but he doubted she'd want to settle. She seemed the sort of woman that wouldn't want to stop for anything. He briefly considered telling them of his tattoo, instead he settled for telling them that he was just sick of loss. He mentioned Rose, his lost love, and River, his time wandering love, but it was always Rose he came back to. She hurt the most. He'd already lost River in a way, he could do his best to delay her ending but one day it would be too late.
Then Clara came, and he lost her. Then he found her again. Sometimes, for brief moments, she would remind of his Rose. Those moments wouldn't last long. They were enough, however, to vaguely confuse his hearts. Clara's flirting didn't help either. He found himself spending more and more time in his garden. Part of him vaguely felt like praying to his Rose. He knew it was a stupid thought, what madman would pray to a mortal woman trapped in another universe? A madman with a box apparently.
Sometimes it would be for forgiveness for things he had done, other times for her to stay safe. Sometimes it would even be for guidance. It was a strange moment when he realised he had deified his long gone love. He wondered what Rose would say about that. He wondered what River would think of it. He vaguely wondered if it all made sense.
Rose had been the Bad Wolf, she had held of all time and space in her mind for longer than he had, and had lived to tell the tale. Well, she had forgotten it, but it was safer that way. She had become the Roman Goddess Fortuna, and her image had been widely worshiped. She had, for a long time, been the only thing he believed in. Maybe it had always been building to this.
Rose Tyler, the only Goddess a timelord had ever prayed too.
There was something vaguely poetic about. It made sense, in a way. It was Rose, of course she would be a deified. With love as deep as his, as true as his, of course he would make a god of the woman he was so deeply devoted too. His belief in her spanned three incarnations now, and it would span many more.
The Doctor decided against telling Clara anything about Rose. The Tardis, understanding of his secretive nature, kept any sign of Rose from her. The garden was one of those things, and as such Clara sometimes had a hard time finding him when she wanted to go somewhere. She did get curious about it, but he always changed the subject. Distracted her with far off places until she'd ask again. He'd repeat the pattern, she had to be aware. It didn't matter.
When Clara had called him and told him he was her boyfriend, he'd agreed so easily because he knew she wouldn't mean actually. And if she had, he'd tell her that he'd assume fake because that was one hell of a rude way to ask someone out. What he hadn't expected to happen that day was yet more reminders of Rose. Oh so many reminders of his dear love.
The Doctor sent Clara away, he aged, she came back. Gallifrey, how terrifying, was back too. That, that really couldn't be good. The Time Lords were not sane in the final days. Clara begged for his life as he slowly lost his sanity and succumed to old age.
What would Rose think of him? All wrinkly and grey, rough around the edges with his memory going. Would she still love him? Would she like the life he had made for him self in the town of Christmas? Would she live by his side? It was his memory going that was his undoing with Clara.
"Where's Rose?" he asked.
"Who's Rose?" Clara asked. He thought very hard about that. Had they ever met? Surely they had. But, no hang on, Rose had gone. He'd lost her. That was why his hearts hurt wasn't it? Oh, how silly of him.
"Never mind," the Doctor said.
"You're dying," she said.
"Quite right too," he mumbled, but that wasn't right no that was what he'd said to Rose.
"Doctor," Clara, no handles, no Clara, said.
"I'm old now, it's all catching up with me," he said. From there he wasn't really sure what happened. The next thing he knew he was running from a very nice T-Rex. It was a strange day from there, he wasn't really sure who he was. All he knew was that he was missing something.
He turned to the two women he vaguely knew he trusted.
"Have either of you seen my wife?" he asked.
"Your wife sir?" the shorter one asked, he really couldn't remember her name, or was she the taller one? It was all so confusing.
"Yes, sort of short and blonde, has a bit of an attitude, my wife," he said.
"Come on Doctor," the green, was she green or was she perhaps another colour, one said.
Once the Doctor was safe in his room, Clara went to talk to Madame Vastra and Jenny.
"Who's his wife?" she asked once she'd mostly gotten over the whole regeneration thing.
"We can not be certain who he talks of," Vastra said, glancing to Jenny, "but we have our suspicions."
"He weren't meant to regenerate again, all sorts of things could have gone wrong," Jenny added.
"Will he get his memories back?" Clara asked.
"We can be hopeful, there is nothing to suggest he will stay this way," Vastra reassured.
"I didn't know he was married," Clara said.
"He's married a lot of people, most by accident," Vastra said. "But the woman we believe he's talking about, they never actually married."
"He lost her ma'am, and he still loves her even after all this time," Jenny added. Clara nodded and sighed.
"I just, he seems so desperate to find her it hurts," she admitted.
"Clara, the Doctor has loved many people through time and space but there are two that take his hearts. He will never love like he does with those two," Vastra told her.
Eventually the Doctor came back to himself. He apologised to his friends for intruding, and went off again. He took Clara on a few trips and dropped her off. It was rather time he got his tattoo. At first, he'd considered maybe moving on from it, but he couldn't. Rose, she was still seared into his hearts. The key around his neck was only one reminder of her, and it wasn't even her key. So he booked the appointment. Right after his last self had gone.
It was a bad idea. Of course it was a bad idea. Getting the rose tattoo made his emotions run high, and of course when he got to the shop he'd see his past self. But had his past self bothered with secrecy? No! He'd used his own stories to try and push Rory an Amy back together. It hurt to see his old friends.
He'd failed them too. Just as he had failed Rose, and he'd failed River. He'd failed them. He always seemed to fail his companions. As he watched his last self walk out of the parlour with Rory and Amy in tow, he considered adding something to his tattoo.
Perhaps instead of just a rose he could get a rose in a pond. That could work right? No. Besides they probably wouldn't appreciate it. It was better he stuck with just the rose. He went in. He didn't engage Eliza of Jasper in conversation despite their best efforts. It was easier that way. Besides, what if they realised he was not only the current client, but the last client, and the escort of the client before that, and very possibly the next client as well? Well, Eliza probably already had suspicions, but it was best he didn't confirm them.
It was more annoying to get the tattoo done this regeneration. His body wasn't as strong as usual. It wasn't as bad as a human's would be at his age, but it was certainly a change to what he was used to. This go round he got just the head of the flower again. More of a blooming rose than a closed one, with ombre petals of pink and yellow.
It was rather a good thing that the days on this planet lasted almost triple that of Earth's, and the people there only required rest for one day a week. Jasper worked every other day, he'd learnt that back when Ace travelled with him and he would take her to get tattoos there. If it hadn't been the case he rather suspected that he'd run out of time in the day to keep getting his tattoo in the same place one after the other.
Once it was done, Jasper ran him through the usual after-care instructions and sent him on his way once he paid. He rather liked the change to his tattoo. It was stunning, and changing it up every time allowed him to think about it more. Design it so it suited how his hearts, show his love for Rose in a new way with his new hearts.
His hearts may be new, but they still beat for Rose. Every single beat of both of his hearts was in her name. His love for her was written into his very being, and despite how much it hurt he wouldn't have it any other way. He wondered vaguely how her hand would feel in his, what she would think of the old man that had become the Doctor? Would she still love him like this as he still loved her?
As he exited the tattoo parlour he passed a small group of people coming in. An old man, a young blonde woman with peculiar dress sense, another young woman, and a young man. He wondered if one of them was the future of him.
"Hey, you alright?" it was the other young woman, dressed suitable for the twenty first century of Earth.
"Just remembering someone," he said.
"He'll be fine Yaz," the peculiarly dressed woman said.
"How do you know that Doctor?" this Yaz asked. Ah, he wouldn't be remembering this then.
"He's me, or I he was anyway," his future self said. So, he'd be a woman next. Well, it was bound to happen at some point. It was rather uncommon for a Time Lord to stay one gender through regeneration. He supposed they were all genderfluid in that sense, though he was pretty comfortable in his identity as a grumpy old man for now.
"Are you trousers meant to be too short?" he asked himself.
"Oh please, my outfit is brilliant, you look like a grumpy professor," she said, though she was smiling.
"We've tried teaching, we always ramble about something unimportant," he reminded her.
"Well we uncovered what was going on at that school," she said, easily picking up what he was talking about.
"Go get your tattoo," he said, and he turned away.
"She'd have loved you, you know," she called over.
"You can't know that any more than I can," he called back. His future self looked a little annoyed at him, but well he was annoyed at himself too so he couldn't fault her. Besides, he wasn't going to remember this what did a little empty comfort matter? His next self huffed at him, and disappeared into the parlour with her band of companions. It'd been a long time since he had ran around with three people.
By the time he reached his Tardis, he had the vague sense he'd met his future self but he'd forgotten the interaction all together. He supposed it was time to pick up Clara. See how things were going, take her on a nice trip, and go off on his own again. It was how things worked with them. She had her job, he had his life, and sometimes they'd travel together. It was probably safer this way. Easier for her to not get attached again too.
Things went on, he briefly got a job as a school janitor. He wondered what Rose would think of that, if she'd still be annoyed at being a dinner lady or if she' prefer it to his job. Part of him wondered, if she were still with him, would she have joined him undercover here? If so what sort of job would she have aimed for? Teacher, teaching assistant, dinner lady or perhaps janitor right along side him. She'd have made a good teacher.
He had no reason to be rude to Danny. He wasn't sure why he was rude to him. Maybe part of him hoped that if he was rude to Danny, Clara would stop traveling with him and she'd remain safe.
Rose wouldn't have liked him for it. She wouldn't have liked him for anything he did it seemed. Oh she would have been so mad at him for making Clara decide the fate of the moon. Was it even worth it? Would he have made the right choice? Would Rose have? Oh Rose, of course she would have. It was Rose.
He discovered a plus side from looking old, no one questioned why he touched his hip so often. It was easier to get away with Rose if no one was there to question it.
Then Clara had called, she had demanded he bring Danny back. What was the point of a time machine if you couldn't save your loved ones? He asked himself that sometimes.
"Don't you think if I could save people I'd have saved Rose?" he asked. And he knew that Clara was vaguely aware of Rose, of a wife, of a lost lover. Though how he'd come up with Rose being his wife he wasn't sure.
"Who was Rose?" Clara asked.
"My wife, though I never actually got to marry her," he told her, his hand resting on his hip, on his tattoo. "Don't you think if I could I'd go back in time before I lost her for the first time and save er? Prevent her from ever having to loose her home in this ship?"
"It's not the same though is it? She must have been great, Danny he's just human," Clara said.
"So was Rose," he said.
In the end though, it ended with cybermen. Not Mondasian Cybermen, no that would be to nice to his aching hearts, but Cybus Industries Cybermen, Cybermen from Pete's World, from Rose's new home universe. It was just cruel. Missy didn't tease him about Rose though, she had to know obviously. When she'd been Harold Saxon she'd done all that research. It ached, somewhere deep inside, despite her kindness on the subject of Rose.
He thought that would be it with Clara, but they went on. Missy tried to kill her, would she ever stop messing with his companions? There were Daleks, and other aliens. It was all fine, until he was reminded of Rose again and his hearts ached. It was Ashildr that reminded him of Rose in the end, and Jack, but it was Rose that hurt the most.
"Why'd you give her two then?"
"If she's very lucky she'll meet someone worth spending eternity with. It doesn't do to get your hearts broken because there was no way to save someone," he said. He didn't realise he'd said hearts, and Clara didn't bring it up. It was easier that way.
Eventually though, he failed Clara too. Just as he'd failed everyone before her. He'd failed to save her. He was meant to be the one to protect people, and he kept failing. Maybe he should stop bringing companions.
He found River again. She didn't realise it was him. Not at first anyway. He was slightly surprised that during their fight over other lovers she hadn't brought up Rose, but he was thankful none the less. He'd resigned himself to the topic of Rose Tyler always hurting. It wasn't a fun thing to accept, but he'd spent oh so long waiting for the pain to ease and it never had.
Darillium had to catch up with them at some point, the least I could do was make it as romantic as possible. In the twenty four Earth years they had at the restaurant and hotel, they had a proper wedding too. He told her his name, and taught her a small amount of Gallifrayean. She picked up easy enough. He wasn't ready to lose her too. Not really.
Just as River had told him, he'd shown up in a new suit, given her the sonic, and cried. She'd cried too, some part of her must have known the end was coming.
"Doctor," River said, reaching out for his hand again.
"Yes?" he said, trying not to cry again.
"You'll find hope again, there's something out there just waiting for the right time," she told him. He could tell she wanted to give him specifics, but couldn't. Spoilers, the curse of dating a time traveller. While all their meetings had been accounted for, that didn't mean she wouldn't still know more about his future.
"I hope you're right about whatever it is," he said.
"I am, you'll see one day," she promised.
The Doctor suspected that River knew it was their final goodbye. That didn't mean it hurt any less when she rested her own hand over his rose tattoo and kissed him for the last time. He wondered vaguely if through his stories she had fallen for Rose too, or come as close to it as someone could without ever meeting her. He wouldn't blame her for that, Rose was a very easy person to love.
Like it always did, his mind went back to Rose and he wondered what she would do? Would she sulk around, like the Doctor had for her, or would she build up her courage and get on with saving the universe from itself? There was no way to tell, after all Rose had lost him too, and now she got to live out her short human life with the human him. Sometimes he was just so jealous of himself. Really, why did he get to stay with her and he didn't? It was absurd.
So he got on with his life. He sulked too, just not as dramatically as he had with Rose. He had Nardole now too, and while the Doctor didn't say anything about Rose, Nardole already knew about her. It was nice he supposed, having a friend who actually knew him without having to do all the hard emotional work to get to there. It was strange too. And there was the matter of keeping him alive, so different to how he'd usually keep his companions alive. It was worth it for a friend, he supposed. Even if Nardole was sometimes a little too annoying.
He took a pit stop to briefly play superhero, and to accidentally create one. He spent most of that time moping about River, and sometimes Rose too. Then he saved Missy, and she didn't bring up Rose. He became a professor, and kept her in a vault in the basement of the university. At some point he stopped caring about humanity's opinion on him.
He had been at the university longer than anyone else. The Doctor knew there were rumours about him. He wondered if Rose would have joined him there, and what the rumours about her would be like. Except, he reminded himself, Rose had a human life and she wouldn't have lasted as long as he had already. Even the other professors had theories about him he'd been there so long.
Despite his apparent age, he had pictures on his desk in his office of River, Rose, and Susan. He wished Jenny, his daughter and not Madame Vastra's wife, had lived long enough that he had a picture of her. His Tardis sat, unmoving, in the corner of his office. It wasn't much, but he didn't need much.
Life became almost boring. Repetitive. His lectures were the only times he really got a change to his routine. Even Missy had fallen into repeating pattern of activities. Nardole too. He missed traveling, missed the stars. At least he still had something to do with his days.
Then he found Bill. Rose would've liked her. She wasn't technically one of his students, so he offered her private lessons, free of charge. At first he'd been determined to keep her away from his old life. But then the girl she liked became a puddle. He couldn't leave her to deal with that alone, besides its what Rose would have done. Nardole wasn't happy of course. Especially when it became a more common thing.
Bill did end up asking about the photos on his desk. She'd asked before and he'd brushed her off. But now he had helped her move, and had showed her some of the future and past, he felt almost bad lying to her.
"This one is my granddaughter, Susan. She was the first person I travelled with when I was young," he said, looking at such an old photo of her. He'd kept it for hundreds, thousands nearly, of years.
"And this one?" Bill asked, pointing to Rose. He skipped to River first.
"She was my wife. I don't think I ever treated her with the love she deserved. It was a hard relationship, we both travelled in time and space. Her name was River," he said. Bill nodded.
"And this one is Rose," he said. "She's gone now, even if I hadn't lost her, by now I'd have outlived her anyway."
"You loved her," she stated.
"I still do," he admitted. Bill didn't ask about her again. Or the other people.
Then he lost his vision. He didn't tell Bill. He let her think it had been healed, but he admitted the truth to Nardole. The thing he missed most was not the stars, nor the views of other planets, it was his tattoo. He couldn't admire the beauty of it, and use it as a reminder of his love. Use it as a reminder to carry her with him. He knew he still had the tattoo, and his hand would still rest over it when he missed her, but he had grown so used to seeing it.
He didn't really feel like himself as he stumbled through life after that. It was like he had lost Rose again. Despite that though, he didn't want to heal his sight. He knew that there were plenty of ways he could, but he didn't. Not until it was essential. Even then it turned out to only be a simulation of what was to come.
Bill has to die, that's what Missy told him. He didn't want to believe her, but something about how she told him makes him believe her. In the end though, Bill survived. They all do, and Missy doesn't bring up Rose but she does show guilt and remorse for the thousands she has hurt. The thousands she has killed.
The relative peace didn't last long. Not really. They went on adventures, saved some people, failed at saving others. Missy showed signs of progress. But then they find Cybermen. Mondasian Cybermen, but still his hearts ached as he remembered Rose.
Missy found an old version of her, but she was almost certain he wasn't her previous incarnation and instead two, or possibly three back. Memories of her regenerations have always been hazy for her, and it feels like there's too many of them. Still, she's drawn between helping her friend and helping herself. In the end she helped the Doctor, she stabbed herself in the back, Literally.
Bill was dead, and the Doctor blamed himself. He didn't want to regenerate after that. He'd done too much, lived too long. Nardole was gone too.
He meet his first self, also unwanting of regeneration. In a twist of events he got to say a proper goodbye to Bill, and he finally regenerated. He wouldn't have been able to stop it if he wanted too, he knows that.
The Doctor barely got the chance to get used to her new self before she was sent flying out of the Tardis as the ship battled itself to stay in one piece. Really, she should have known by now that if she puts off regenerating to long that it was entirely unsafe to regenerate in the ship.
She had a split second to realise how far she was falling, and to be thankful that she was in her first twelve hours of regenerating before she crashed through the roof of a train. From there it was a mess of figuring out her new body, fighting without having any form of sonic, and realising she's lost the few things that she had to remind herself of River and Rose.
In the end she failed to save everyone, but she was almost certain she had stopped those teeth stealing aliens from using Earth as a hunting ground. She spent some time with the people she had saved, Yaz, Ryan, and Graham. She was even invited to Grace's wedding. Rose would have liked Grace.
Then there had been the matter of finding her Tardis. She had been mostly right about all of the equations and sciency stuff. In the grand scheme of things she hadn't actually been to far off. Of course, she hadn't meant to bring Yaz, Ryan, and Graham. That was certainly a complication. It was also really annoying to constantly refer to the three of them like that, Yaz, Ryan, and Graham. It took up a lot of valuable thinking time. Fam it was then.
There had also been the whole problem of actually getting to the Tardis once she knew vaguely where it was. It was a complete and utter nightmare to get there. Part of her had hoped to find Rose. She wasn't sure why, but she had hoped that the ghost monument would have brought her a ghost. Or even cybermen ghosts. Just anything that brought her back to Rose.
What she did find instead was a date and time of a pre-booked tattoo appointment, stuck up on her new console.
"So, do you want to head back or do you fancy some trips in time and space?" the Doctor asked. They all decided to stay. "In that case then, how'd you feel about learning more about my family?" She wasn't too sure why she had so willingly chosen to share this with them. Share Rose with them, share her family and past with them.
"Um, ok," Yaz said.
"Brilliant because I need to go get a tattoo. Don't have it any more," she said. Her new friends all looked slightly confused but they went on. "It's on an alien planet, so you'll get some cool views there."
The trip was surprisingly smooth, and given the lack of railings in her new console room she was rather relived about it. She did miss the rattling though. There was something so Rose about rattling about in the Tardis through time and space, stumbling across danger. Though, she'd always rattled through time and space in the Tardis. Her hearts had just connected it to Rose's laughter, and he smiles. If there was any time to think about Rose, going to get the tattoo in remembrance of her was the best time.
She wondered vaguely if Rose would like the new her. If she'd like that the Doctor now that the Doctor was a she and not a he. Would Rose, if she were there, still want to take her hand? Still want to run side by side? Still accept her love and still love her in return? What would Rose's hand feel like in her's? Would kissing be different now? Oh how she wished she could know the answers to those questions. Regeneration, it always seemed to come with heartache since Rose had waltzed into her life. Or lives as it were.
The Tardis settled down smoothly, and the Doctor led the way out of the ship. She'd not really stopped to admire the planet before, but it really was gorgeous. Her knew companions certainly thought so too.
"We've got a bit of a walk to the tattoo parlour, but it'll be fun," she reassured him.
Conversation died off as they made their way into the town, and by the time they were actually nearing the tattoo parlour they were entirely silent. The Doctor spotted her past self leaving. Ah, that explained the vague sense of missing memories from after the tattoo appointment.
"Hey, you alright?" Yaz asked him, almost reaching out for him.
"Just remembering someone," her last self had said.
"He'll be fine Yaz," she interrupted, smiling at himself slightly.
"How do you know that Doctor?" she asked, turning back to her. The Doctor glanced over her last self, all grumpy professor and sad. The memories were vaguely coming back to her as the interaction passed on.
"He's me, or I he was anyway," she explained casually. Smiling a little more.
"Are you trousers meant to be too short?" he asked her, she wanted to tell him to stop being rude, but well her last self had always been rude to some extent.
"Oh please, my outfit is brilliant, you look like a grumpy professor," she said easily.
"We've tried teaching, we always ramble about something unimportant," he reminded her. She grinned some more as she remembered her time as a teacher by Rose's side.
"Well we uncovered what was going on at that school," she responded. She could tell though that either her words, or her mere existence, were grating on him.
"Go get your tattoo," he told her as he turned away.
"She'd have loved you, you know," she called over. She could see it now, now that she wasn't the one worrying about the old man look. It would be so easy for Rose to love him. She had, after all, loved her when she had looked forty something, and loved her when she had told her she was over nine hundred years old. What was a few extra wrinkles and gray hair to Rose Tyler?
"You can't know that any more than I can," he called back. His future self looked a little annoyed at him, but well he was annoyed at himself too so he couldn't fault her. Besides, he wasn't going to remember this what did a little empty comfort matter? His next self huffed at him, and disappeared into the parlour with her band of companions. It'd been a long time since he had ran around with three people.
She glared at him slightly and huffed, but instead of trying to convince him it was true, she turned into the parlour and her new friends followed her.
"WHat do you mean he was you?" Graham asked.
"I'll explain that later," she told him as she approached the counter.
"Hello again," Eliza said, and the Doctor sighed.
"Caught on did you?" she asked.
"Look, we don't know how you keep changing your face, but roses aren't a common flowers around this part of the galaxy and you all have that same sadness about it. We won't ask questions, but I expect our final client of the day, the one after you, is you again," she said.
"High chance. I sort of come in order though, so I won't know until I'm coming in," the Doctor said. Eliza nodded.
"Can I just ask, will I see Ace again?" she asked. The Doctors hearts ached for her too.
"Oh Eliza, I am so so sorry," she said instead.
"I suppose it's better than waiting in vain for the rest of time I actually work here," she said, smiling as best she could. "I should have given her my number earlier."
"If it helps, Ace said something very similar," the Doctor said. Eliza did that sad sort of laugh thing. Apparently it wasn't just limited to humans and the one timelord.
"Guess we were just as bad as each other," she mumbled. "Jasper is just taking his break, you're a little early."
"I'm happy to wait," she reassured, turning to the comfy looking sofas. The fam were already sat there and she joined them.
"You said you were going to talk about your family," Yaz reminded her softly.
"I did, didn't I?" she said, smiling in that sad sort of way. She started with Susan. There wasn't enough time in a human life span to share her entire life's worth of family with the fam, but she did her best. She mentioned Sarah Jane, and as many of her old companions as possible. She skipped over the few that directly connected themselves to Rose, including Martha and Donna.
"Hey man, oh damn you're a woman now," Jasper said as they came out from the back. They turned to Eliza. "Are we sure this is still the rose guy?"
"I am right here you know," the Doctor said as Eliza started laughing.
"That's definetly the rose guy, and I got my confirmation that the rose guy was also Ace's escort," she said, grinning at them.
"Right, I'll go try cram three extra chairs in the back, maybe stop bringing whole crowds with you," Jasper said turning around.
"So, why are you getting a tattoo?" Ryan asked. The Doctor took a deep breath. This part was always the hardest.
"I'll start from the beginning," she told them. "Her name was Rose, and I met her in the basement of Henriks. I blew the shop up."
"Hang on," Graham interupted. "Was this two thousand and five in London?"
"Uh, yeah," she said.
"Everyone thought it was some kind of terroist attack or something," he mumbled, "but no it was aliens all along."
"Anyway, after that I didn't think I'd see her again, but oh Rose she showed up in the most unlikely of places. Well, no, I showed up in the most unlikely of places. The being her front door," she continued, over at the counter Eliza snorted.
"Look, I was tracking this living plastic, it was tracking me, I'd met Rose the night before and grabbed her hand it must have locked onto her. Given the fact that the strange older man she'd only ever seen when he was trying to blow up her job and saving her from living shop dummies had shown up at her front and had been attempting to break in through her cat flap, I think she took the second meeting pretty well. She must've right? But I left after a cuppa. Found her again though, her boyfriend had been replaced by a plastic version. Without her I don't think I'd've saved the day," she continued on. Jasper reappeared in the door.
"I'm joining in for this," ELiza stated. "This is a pretty interesting story."
"You're welcome to," the Doctor said as Jasper groaned.
"You're standing in the doorway, don't expect a chair," they warned.
It took them some time, but once the Doctor liked how the stencil looked on her hip, she got back on with the story.
"Rose, she said the first time I asked her to come with me. Admittedly my line wasn't great, but still. I went back about a month later in my timeline, barely seconds fro her, and told her it also travelled in time. She ditched Mickey and came running. We saw all sorts of places. It was in another basement that I knew I was in love with her. A morgue basement, but Charles Dickens was there, but it was Cardiff," the Doctor told them.
"Do all your great moments with Rose happen in basements?" Yaz asked.
"Er, no I don't think so," she said. "Anyway, we travelled together for a while before I regenerating. I only kissed her once, and in the end she couldn't remember it."
"Regenerate?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, it's like my species way of cheating death. Every cell in your entire body changes, few personality quirks too," she explained. "Anyway, at first Rose didn't like it. I hadn't explained regeneration to her before that moment so it was understandable. In the end though, it was us in the tardis again, off to see the stars. The trouble was just the bits in between. I never told her I love her. Not once. I should've."
"What happened to her?" Eliza asked.
"She got trapped. Graham you'll remember the Daleks and Cybermen, well pepper pots and ghosts. The ghost things were worldwide, the pepper pots just London," the Doctor said.
"It was horrible," he agreed.
"Well, they'd come through from another universe. The cybermen anyway, and the daleks had come from the void. To save Earth we had to reopen the entry point. Except, it would suck in anything with void particles on it. Me and Rose, we'd already been through to the other universe. I tried to send her away, keep her safe but she insisted. In the end though, she fell. Nearly went right into the void, but her father from the other universe managed to save her last minuet. I had to burn up a star just to say goodbye. I had been so close to telling her I love her but the star died too soon," she finished.
"God Doctor," Yaz said, "I'm so sorry."
"I saw her again, just for a few hours. Remember the planets in the sky? When Earth moved? Rose helped with that. So did my friend Donna. A bunch of my friends did. Still, in the end, I lost Rose to the other universe again. I basically ended up with a human clone of myself and I left them to live their life in the other universe. She had her family, and me. I just didn't have her," she told them.
"Those damn pepper pots, nearly got shot by one," Graham mumbled. The Doctor couldn't help but snort at that. From there they fell into conversation about Mickey and Martha and Donna. She didn't mention Jack. She'd already talked so much about Rose, and Jack was really Rose's in a way. She wouldn't have met him without Rose.
In the end, she had a beautiful tattoo on her hip. It was just the head of the rose. Side on this time, but several of the petals bent down so you could see the center. All the petals were outlined in pink and yellow. It was just what she wanted. It was rather big too. Some of it peaked out when she rested her hand over it.
Jasper lead them all from the studio and checked her out. They'd given her a discount, as a repeat customer and because her story had touched their heart. They talked her through the after care process once more, and then finally sent the group on their way. They made it to the Tardis without meeting anyone, and the Doctor wondered if their next client really would be her.
"Doctor, about Rose," Yaz tried to start.
"I don't want to talk about her again Yaz, she stays in the tattoo," the Doctor told the fam. They all accepted that.
It was when they met Rosa Parks, their very next adventure, that they all picked up on her habit to touch her hip when she thought about Rose. It became apparent pretty quickly that despite her words back in the Tardis, Rose was on her mind pretty often. They didn't bring it up though, not to the Doctor. They talked to each other about it, wondered if there was any way they could help, Eventually though, they realised this was probably the healthiest the Doctor had been with out Rose, especially from how Jasper and Eliza had spoken about her past tattoos.
Time went on, Rose remained the unspoken part of Tardis life. You explored new places, got attached to the Doctor, saw the stars, and you saw the Doctor mourn her lover. It was how things were, and Yaz desperately hoped that one day the Doctor wouldn't hurt so much. Part of her hoped that despite all odds the Doctor would meet Rose again. She knew though that it would be impossible. Still, it was a nice thought. Hope wasn't the worst thing to have, even in impossible things.
They got on well. Some adventures were fun, others were sad. There were in-between adventures too, but there were also the adventures that made them all question staying. The ones where everything went wrong, and sometimes they nearly died. It went on well though. Some things were strange, other things not as strange as they had all expected.
The Doctor got used to having three people around, it was certainly useful when there was a lot to do for a plan to work. It was nice, it was strange though, knowing that all three of them knew so much about Rose. She still wasn't sure why she had brought them along for that, but it felt right almost. She knew that they sometimes talked about Rose and her, but she accepted that it would happen. Rose would have liked her new friends.
Everything had been going fine, but then the Master showed up. He was cruel and harsh, nothing like Missy had been in the end, and that hurt more than anything. The Doctor supposed that there was a chance Missy came after this Master, but it seemed unlikely. Still, the Doctor could hope right?
She felt like she was loosing herself as more and more things became apparent. The Judoon had been tracking her, but not quite by DNA and more so my species scan and name, still they'd been tracking her. Except she wasn't the Doctor they wanted. She couldn't remember being the Doctor they wanted, and the Doctor they wanted couldn't remember being her either. It was all so confusing.
Who was she really? Why couldn't she remember a past regeneration, or why couldn't her future regeneration remember her? Would she one day forget Rose? No, she could never. But then, why couldn't she remember being Ruth? She didn't like it. Rose might know the answer. She really wished Rose was there to help her. Oh Rose, right now she'd say just the right thing and everything would feel normal again. Or maybe it wouldn't, but Rose would make her feel better.
For the first time in a long while, the Doctor found herself sat in her garden. She hadn't prayed to Rose since her last body, not since she'd been praying for forgiveness for all the wrongs she had done Clara. She'd been so caught up in her new life that she hadn't come to visit her goddess. She didn't bother telling the Tardis to hide the room from her companions, if the Tardis agreed she should be alone then she would anyway.
In her last body it hadn't been easy to get down on her knees before the statue of Rose. The platform she had placed it on so long ago now was about half her own height, and the statue of Rose looked almost too small atop it. She looked beautiful though, as always. In her new body, and it wasn't really new anymore, it was much easier to kneel before the statue and pray to her lost love.
While she hadn't done so in so long, it was just as easy to slip down before the statue that she had helped carve so long ago and pray. She knew of course that praying to Rose did nothing more than get her thoughts out of her head for a short period of time, but if any of her companions could be a god it was surely Rose. It was strange, of course, praying for guidance from your lost companion. There was no hope of a reply and she knew that, but the praying helped.
Rose Tyler was a perfectly mortal woman trapped in another universe, and yet at some point the Doctor had started praying to her. Was that not what made a god? The belief, the prayers. Had she turned Rose into a goddess of this universe while she got on with her life in another universe? Did it really matter at all?
No one found her there, and after that she started spending a lot more time in the garden again. It helped her get her mind in order, especially after hard trips. Sometimes she go into the garden when she couldn't sleep, and the Tardis would turn the ceiling into a projection of whatever galaxy they were in. Some nights she'd fall asleep on the grass. Most nights though, she'd star up at the stars and pretend the statue of Rose really was her long lost love. She'd talk to the statue some nights, like it really was Rose and not stone. It didn't help, not really anyway, but she liked doing it. She knew it was probably stupid, but she did it anyway.
Graham found her once. On one of her really bad nights. She'd been praying to Rose for hours, and she'd spent a good chunk of that time crying. He didn't aske her anything, he'd pieced together most of what he needed to know anyway, and instead he sat with her. He let her cry, talk through her guilt, and he never once made her feel bad about it all. Graham offered her as much support as he could, and when morning came and he saw her in the galley, he didn't mention anything about it.
Then there were cybermen again, and Gallifray burnt once more. The Master pulled at all her weaknesses. Including Rose. She barely survived that. Part of her wished she hadn't. She knew life wasn't fair but did it have to be this unfair? Cybermen were followed by daleks. Why was that always the way? Then Jack came back too.
She should have told the fam about Jack, she had loved him once too. As had Rose. It was all so confusing. Then, before her and Jack could probably catch up and she could show him the garden, she ended up in prison.
Her only comfort while imprisoned was the tattoo. At first they had wanted to remove it, thinking it perhaps an escape plan of some sort. Which, really? It was a fucking flower, how would she escape because of a flower on her hip? They left it though. Thankfully. The Doctor didn't want to think about how bad things might have been had they removed it. She still prayed to Rose, but it didn't feel the same, not really.
Jack broke her out though, and she got on with her life again. Except not really. She said goodbye to Ryan and Graham. Graham gave her his number in case she ever needed any one, a reminder of that night he'd offered her comfort in her garden.
"We're both widows Doc, if you need anyone you call," he told her. She'd just nodded. It was hard enough saying goodbye, but losing someone who understood her pain was awful.
There wasn't a lot of time between losing Graham and meeting Dan. Off on the next big adventure. When she realised it was a universe wide threat she really hoped Rose would show up again, jump in to help save the day before anything got any worse. And when she didn't, the Doctor's heart broke just a little more.
It was a whole mess, and she expected both Dan and Yaz to leave after it. She had now abandoned Yaz twice, she doubted Dan would want to stay. But they did, and she felt so bad for them.
In the end, its the master that does her in. She apologised to Yaz and toke both her and Dan home before she went somewhere else to regenerate. She had finally learnt that putting of a regeneration and regenerating inside the Tardis did not mix, so she stood out on the small rocky cliff and let herself become someone new.
Except no, the Doctor knew those teeth. The Doctor knew that voice, knew the hair and hands. But, that was impossible, was it not? Even if he was the timeless child surely he couldn't be the same person twice, right? Perhaps he'd just regenerated into a similar body. Not the exact same one. Surely.
In a daze he went to the wardrobe room to pick out a new outfit. He went with something vaguely similar to what he had worn when he had previously looked like this. It was as he was stripping out of his far too short trousers that he saw the tattoo. It was the exact same one he had gotten oh so long ago drunk out of his mind. It was impossible.
The mostly black outlines mixed with the few pink and yellow lines stood out against his pale skin. He really wasn’t sure what to think of it being there again. It was stunning, and he had missed it, but it was strange that it was there still.
There was something bigger going on, and he really hoped that whatever it was, it would lead him back to Rose despite the impossibility of it all.