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As Percy knocked his sword away and got him pinned to the ground, Jason could only feel the hot burn of shame and anger. Gods, he was supposed to be better at this stuff. As the son of Posiden looked down at him with a satisfied grin, Jason’s anger and his instincts got the better of his sensibilities and he lurched upwards with an animalistic snarl, teeth snapping shut inches away from Percy’s nose.
“What the-”
Percy sprung upright to his feet away from the blond’s panting figure as Jason's predatory gaze stayed where Percy’s face had been. As Jason began to catch his breath and become aware of the present he felt a rock sink in his stomach. Shit.
He looked up at Percy, who was standing by the other six demigods and staring at him with a familiar look in his eyes. The same one that the assigned therapist in new rome gave him after the incident when he was 10, the one that said “This kid is fucked up, and that scares me.”
He glanced at the other demigods. They looked confused, their eyes asking what in the world his little demonstration was.
“Umm…” Jason eloquently answered.
“Well that was a bit out of character for you, Jase.” Leo joked, but his tone and body language were hesitant, concerned.
Fuck, he must seem so weird.
Jason slowly pushed himself up to his feet and breathed in deeply.
“Sorry… I, uh… I didn't mean to do that.”
Piper let out a nervous laugh as she addressed him
“You kind of need to explain that Jason, that was a bit weird if I’m being completely honest”
Jason clenched his fists as he felt his face flush and his face hurt.
“I know it's weird, but I’m working on it, and I'm normally completely normal, I promise. It's just some stupid… like… some childhood trauma thing or whatever. It's fine, you guys don't need to worry about it”
As he spoke, he felt his eyes water and pulse increase. Gods was this uncomfortable. In response to the deafening silence his words received, he instinctively kept talking.
“Like, I know it's not fine, but *it's fine*. I know I’m weird and messed up and scary but I’m getting better and I-” he choked on his overwhelming panic
“I promise I’m getting better I promise you don't need to be- you don't need to be scared, please, don't be scared I’m normal, I - I promise I’m normal” He could feel the tears spilling down his cheeks, and suddenly realized that he couldn't breathe. Shit.
“Jason, It’s fine, Nobody is scared. Are you okay? Can you calm down?” Annabeth spoke to him, but he barely heard her over his panicking mind.
“I need to go.” He started with as much confidence as he could muster through his shallow breaths.
“What?”
“I- I need to leave, sorry, I'll be right back” He quickly shoved his way towards the hallway leading to his room, not pausing to look back at the questioning voices in his wake.
~~~
Jason hid in his room until dinner time. He had calmed down, and had even done one of those dumb meditation exercises his old therapist had recommended, but still didn't feel quite real, quite ready to talk to people, or quite ready to explain himself. He knew he overreacted, he could have just laughed it off, said he was goofing around, he didn't need to go and have a panic attack over something as stupid as a snarl. He had had a pretty big issue with more animalistic, wolf-esque instincts as he was younger, but he thought he had gotten over it. He thought he had gotten over it.
At least now he could actually speak, at least now he wasn't a snarling growling biting three-year-old with tears in his eyes and blood under his fingernails and claw marks on his arms and the approval of a vicious she-wolf. At least now he knew more words than “Jason Grace” and more emotions than fear. He was better now, he must be getting better, he had no other option. Perfection may not be a quality he had at the moment, but with time and effort he could definitely reach it, he owed it to New Rome and everybody who looked up to him.
'Get over yourself and man up' he thought, and before he could talk himself out of it he opened his bedroom door and was walking to the dining room. As he entered, he noticed that everybody was already there, talking about something. Probably him.
“Hi..” he said. The others halted their conversation and stared at him. After the longest ten seconds of Jason’s life, Percy decided to speak up.
“Hey, Jason. We were just talking about the… thing that happened earlier today,”
Jason rubbed his face, feeling the salt from dried tears sting his skin. Time to be a professional. Praeter Jason had to step up for this one.
“Yeah. I want to apologize for my behavior earlier. I got overwhelmed, and instead of reacting rationally, I reacted instinctively. It is an issue that stems from my childhood in the Wolf House, and I am aware of it and actively taking steps to correct my behavior. Today was a lapse in my control and I’m sorry if I scared or threatened you.” Jason refused to look up after his apology. He could not handle eye contact right now, and didn't feel like having another complete breakdown.
Leo was the first to respond.
“Dude… It’s fine. Nobody here is mad, or scared, or anything like that. We were worried, if anything. You’re our friend, and we trust you.”
Jason could feel the burning behind his eyes again.
“Oh.”
“And it makes sense that the Wolf House still gets to you sometimes. Even the normal campers at Jupiter have nightmares about that place, and most of us didn't get sent there as young as you did. At least from what I heard around.” Frank said.
Jason wiped his eyes and sniffled. He could feel heat in his chest but had no idea if it was anger at the situation or something else.
“All of us are a bit different, it's okay if you get a bit growly sometimes'' Hazel awkwardly interjected.
“Still, I shouldn't be so messed up over it! It’s not just being “growly”, I never even really learned how to fucking talk! I was mute for years! My brain just doesn't work and I start to cry when I’m forced to think for myself, but somehow managed to trip my way into a leadership position, and I’m usually not even real, do you get that? I don't even feel real-” Jason sobbed.
“It might seem so stupid but knowing that I’m wired to act like an animal instead of a boy reminds me of everything that I don't have, and of the way that I never belonged anywhere even once in my god-damned life! It reminds me of why I fucking launched myself from the sky at the age of 10, in a desperate attempt to be like Icarus and get my inevitable death out of the way, of why I slit my wrists a week later in the hospital room, and of why sometimes my mind gets too busy to think and all I can do is sit there as my breath gets stolen by whichever memory felt it deserved my lungs more than I do. It sucks.” He fully broke down sobbing, and as he sank to the ground he felt the arms of his friends hold him and help him fall more gently. Maybe there was hope after all. He felt warmth from all sides and a voice saying words that had never been directed at him before.
“We all love you, Jason”
Maybe it would be okay after all, if he wasn't perfect.