Chapter Text
"Everyone! Let's look at the stars!"
"Yeah, we're coming, Ichika-chan!"
"Ehh, how amazing. Look, another one just flew by!"
Back then, it was perfect. Where none of them had to worry. Where they could stay together and hardly think about the world around. Where the luminous sky above kept their attention for hours on end.
The four of them. It was perfect. So perfect.
Yet, the cruel reality still applied.
Perfect things.
Aren't made to last.
…
* beep*
Ichika groggily opened her heavy eyelids. The dark ceiling greeted her vision, rays of sunlight dancing across it. She lifted her hand up to it, recognizing her reality.
"...Again?"
It was the same dream. Yet again.
Why? Why do I still…
Ichika knows it's impossible. Only in her dreams could she fulfil such a thing.
It was morning. She had school. Although, Ichika had no motivation to go. Why should she, when there was nothing waiting for her?
"Icchan! Let's go to school now!"
"Hehe, c'mon, Ichika-chan."
"Stop dilly-dallying. We've got stuff to do."
Her phone flashed open, showing Ichika the clear reality. Those memories shattered in an instant.
Has it really only been that long? Ichika felt as if years had passed since then.
Their faces. They constantly lingered in her mind. Ichika couldn't label it as a curse or not.
It was strange. Even after all these months, she couldn't forget them.
Maybe it was her fate.
It was her fault after all.
It's her fault that they left.
It was her fault that this happened.
It's her fault. It's her fault.
It's all her fault.
Ichika slowly sat up. She knew that fact too well. Every single moment of her being was haunted with it. The symphony of voices ringing in her skull, mocking her for everything she had done.
Ichika accepted it. This routine of suffering, it was only an apt punishment for someone like her.
Someone who ruined everything.
She waded slowly through her garbage dump of a room, drearily looking in the piles of clothes she had for anything remotely wearable. Her stomach groaned from the movement.
Ah, right. I forgot to get dinner.
Ichika despondently opened her bedroom door to the sight of what was supposed to be her food yesterday. Now though, it didn't look so great. She didn't remember when her mom brought it up, but it must have been ages.
Despite this, the black-haired girl forced it down her throat. After all, for her mom to take care of someone like her was an undeserved punishment. Ichika would at least show some gratification.
It didn't really matter, anyway. The food tasted all the same when it went through. Bland. Ichika forgot the last time she truly enjoyed a meal.
Internally, she hoped she never would again.
After this, the girl slowly began to take off her clothes. Each one felt like weights, resisting her lowly desire. The final piece revealed the multitude of scars littered across the top of her bare arm. For the first time in a while, Ichika observed them. Did she really have this many?
Her eyes stared at them glossily. How shameful. It was pathetic, really. For her to try and even cope with this reality she lived in.
She didn't deserve to feel good.
Sighing, she covered it up with a thin layered jacket and left the room. Ichika knew her Mom and Dad were gone, so it was ample time for her to restock and do what she needed. She grabbed her wad of cash on the way out.
Immediately, the sun pierced her like a laser. It was a bright day, ones which she loathed. The rays of sunlight made moving too hard on her fragile body. Slowly but surely, Ichika made her way. She noticed the countless students walking by, dressed up giddily in their uniforms. Some even wore the Miyamsuzaka grey she was used to.
Ichika had zero intention to go to school. Of course, she would show up at least sometimes to keep her attendance, but that day consisted of her barely focused in class, paper completely blank. Plus, being in school immediately boosted the odds of running into them.
So usually, at all costs, Ichika would avoid that chance all together. Which meant long, dull days spent wandering around the city, eventually leading to a park, where she would waste the rest of the afternoon until she had to go home. Ichika also loathed this routine, but it was better. Both pretending to be at school to trick her parents, and also dodging all the people she couldn't bear seeing.
Firstly though, Ichika ducked into a sketchy part of town and approached a man leaning against a broken street lamp. After seeing the girl, he twisted into a crooked smile.
"Ah, good morning, regular! I'm assuming you have it, yes?"
Ichika nodded silently, holding out the payment needed. It was a mutually agreed trade; both parties knew exactly what they came for.
The man got the money. And Ichika got her cigarettes.
The small box wasn't too heavy. Inside was her usual bulk buy; about 20 or so individual packets, all piled nicely together. Perfect.
"All's good, yes?"
She nodded again.
"Perfect. I'll see you next month, then." The two trailed off at the same time. That was the nice thing about Ichika's dealer. No stupid questions, no fake attempts at pity. Just quick, concise business. Ichika didn't even mutter a word.
Quickly, she made her way home to tuck her package into the very corner of her room, which covered it with clothes, trash, and whatever else Ichika had on the floor. It was simple, but effective. It's not like her parents came there to look for things.
After making her way back outside, Ichika cracked open a packet. Inside was a neat row of 20 cigarettes, ready for her to waste away. She took one and lit it with her lighter.
* click*
The smoke filled her lungs and body with ecstasy. God, she felt so fucking alive. Nicotine shooting into her brain; it was addicting. One of the only ways Ichika felt anything. Of course, she wouldn’t call this feeling good, far from it. It filled Ichika with a maniacal pain; the ability to torture her mind under the guise of dopamine. The way she was able to actually fully experience the agony that was her daily life.
She sighed, a breath of grey ash escaping her lips. Ichika knew it was bad for her. How many times had she been told that smoking kills? Before all this, she would have never imagined picking up a cigarette, let alone lighting it and inhaling.
Yet, that fact made smoking feel even better. The self-destructive nature. She knew she was killing herself with every inhale. Ichika always knew that.
That's probably why she kept doing it.
Time passed as Ichika walked aimlessly around, smoke in mouth. Her head felt hollow, as if she couldn’t think. She didn’t know if it was the nicotine or the lack of food which clouded her mind. Either way, she somehow found herself in front of a familiar building. The crowds of posters littering its walls. The bustling of aspiring artists and spectators alike at the doors.
Ichika never thought she'd find herself back at the live house. It must've been some kind of natural instinct.
Her eyes glazed across. Too many memories at once came flowing into her mind. Three all too familiar figures. Giddly chatting at the front.
"Hey, hey, guys, are you ready~? It's almost time, it's almost time!"
"Aw, Saki-chan, calm down a little. We still have some ways to go."
"Mm, I agree. We can get some quick rehearsals in."
"Shiho-chan, why do you always think of practising?! Come on, let's just hang out till it starts!"
"Hehe, what do you think, Ichika-chan?"
The voice echoed in her skull. Ichika's head spun. None of this was right.
They couldn't be here. No. It was impossible.
Stop. Please.
"Huh? Ichika-chan?"
Stop. You're not real. Don't talk to me like you are.
"Hehe."
No. Please. Go away. Go away. Go away!
"But Ichika, you caused this, right? It's too late for regrets."
I-I…I'm sorry! Please…don't torture me more. Leave me alone for now…
"So many contradictions…don't lie to yourself. You said you deserve it, didn't you?"
I know I do, but-
"Then why are you here? To give yourself some pity? Isn't that pathetic for someone so guilty?"
I don't know why I'm here, I don't-
"Stop with the excuses. You know what you did."
Shut up.
Shut up.
SHUT UP!
Ichika gritted her teeth. She took the lit cigarette out of her mouth.
*hiss*
It pressed into her arm. The scalding feeling knocked her out of her trance. Their angry faces fizzled from Ichika's sight, leaving an empty spot where they stood.
Hah. Finally.
How many times has she done this?
Ichika sighed, the last bit of smoke expelled from her mouth. It must've been hundreds. Not like she cared to count.
After all, the prisoner didn't count their torture. They just knew it would happen.
She stood there for a little while longer. Her head was fogged with a faint white; Ichika fazed in and out of consciousness. Was she truly here?
If so, why?
Why was she here?
Why had her body brought her back? Back to all the bouncing fragments of memories, where Ichika was truly happy ?
Happy. She almost forgot how that felt. It's been a while since anything resembled that.
Ever since they left. Because of her.
" It's all your fault. They could be here with you right now, yet where are they?"
Ichika stared blankly.
Where were they? She really did wonder. Ichika could only hope that they had moved on. Moved on without her. Moved on to something better.
Better than her. Better than anything Ichika could have.
Suddenly, her eye caught a strand of silver. It was walking up to the front, pushing through the two glass doors. No matter how short of time, Ichika could recognize that face anywhere. The face she had missed so dearly, but knew that she couldn’t have back. No, she didn’t deserve to have back.
Has it really been that long since she left home? How long had she phased her consciousness into the confines of her own body, controlled only by pure bodily instinct?
The world around Ichika grew blurry and silent. Her body began moving towards the venue, against her own will, and pushing through those same two doors. Before she knew it, Ichika was face to face with the front counter. A small paper was pasted on the wood, presenting the bands that were to perform today. Ichika already knew this process, yet was stuck in silence over her sudden actions.
“Hello. Who are you seeing today?” The face at the counter suddenly perked their eyebrow. Suddenly, their face changed to a softer smile. “Hoshino-san? It’s been a long time!”
So they still haven’t forgotten her. What a shame. “Ah, yes, it’s been a while.” Ichika had gotten used to putting on her “good” mask. It was almost too easy.
“...I’m really sorry for what happened. It was all so unfortunate. How are you doing?”
No, it wasn’t unfortunate. It was all my fault. “No, it’s okay. I appreciate your concern, but I’m doing fine.” Ichika gave them a small smile.
“I see. That’s good to hear.” The cashier seemed so genuine, it almost hurt. Ichika knew it was for her. What misplaced feelings. “Oh, right, I think Hinomori-san is performing today.”
“Ah.” The name . Just hearing it pierced her skull with an agonising grief. She felt paralysed, as if a shock was sent down her spine and throughout her body. Ichika’s mouth grew dry.
“Oh, are you okay, Hoshino-san? I’m sorry for bringing her up, it’s just-”
“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Ichika swallowed the lump in her throat. “By the way, do you happen to know when she’s performing by chance?”
What was she saying? Why was she asking that?
“Oh, it’s in 30 minutes, with [ ]. Would you like a ticket? We’re sold out for the public, but I’m sure I can still squeeze you in.”
Ichika stared at them with glossy eyes. She took a deep breath, her lungs still burning from the ashes. At this point, she had no control of her actions. There was no use in resisting.
“Yes, please.”
The lights grew dim, quieting the bustling crowd. An expectant atmosphere grew in the building; a feeling Ichika knew all too well. She was standing all the way in the back, leaning against the wall, alcoholic drink in hand. Ichika still couldn’t understand what brought her here again.
Was there this hidden yearning she was unaware of? If so, why should she have such, when she knew very well things could never go back to how it was?
Before Ichika could think more, the spotlights shone on the stage, revealing a group of five people standing proudly on stage.
“Hello, everybody!!!” A rough female voice said through the speakers. “Thank you so much for coming today!”
Ichika winced. It was exactly what she would do. Emcee to the crowd to introduce themselves, before singing and playing out their instruments. She could still remember the rush of adrenaline the first time she spoke through the microphone. She herself felt so small against that giant crowd, especially since they had essentially no experience by that point. Yet despite that, Ichika grew larger with that microphone. Stronger. The ability to give everyone all the feelings she wanted to express, sing the songs everyone had created. All of it was so beautiful.
All so, so beautiful.
But now, it was all reminisce. She knew that, which hurt her even more.
The band played through their set of songs, each one garnering a strong response from the crowd. People cheering, smiling, even crying. So many different emotions echoing across the audience. It must have looked so amazing from up on the stage.
Ichika analysed the group performing on stage. They looked like the typical girl band; not an insult at all, just the first impression she got. Of course, she couldn’t give much care for anyone else in the group. Especially when there was one girl who she really only cared about. The only reason Ichika was probably here.
Shiho Hinomori. She was playing her bass in the background as she typically would. Ichika knew that Shiho filled in for bands on her off-time, so it wasn’t surprising to see her performing.
It was more of the memories they had all made together that made it agonising to watch.
Ichika couldn’t blame Shiho. After all, it was Ichika’s fault that Shiho’s dream was shattered. It was her fault they couldn’t chase the stars with all four of them.
Her eyes stung watching the girl play her bass. She hated how good Shiho still sounded. It only drew her attention to her, almost mesmerising her to stay forever. It was one of the most amazing things about Shiho’s music; the passion felt in each strum, it resonated throughout anyone paying even a bit of attention. Ichika loved it. Maybe she loved it a little too much.
Suddenly, the eyes of the bassist looked at the crowd. They were full of shimmer, of adrenaline, of focus. Yet, Ichika noticed a slight tint of hollowness; a small longing for something more. Did Shiho not like playing with this band? Ichika thought they sounded fine. What was it that made her feel that way?
As Ichika stared at the girl, Shiho’s eyes trailed in her direction. Without any sort of warning, the two locked eyes with each other. Ichika dropped her drink in shock.
Ichika watched Shiho’s eyes widen. There was no way she didn’t recognize her by this point. Ichika felt a breath get stuck in her throat. No, Shiho. Please, look away. Don’t look at me with those eyes.
She could hear the slight falter in the bass line. Maybe no one else could. But Ichika knew Shiho too well. The bassist had messed up only slightly, but it was enough for her to feel guilty. Just by her presence, Shiho was distracted, causing her to accidentally mess up her chord.
Why, Shiho? Why did you have to look at me?
Ichika quickly looked to the ground, although she could still sense the eyes staring at her. As quickly as she could, she slipped out of sight. She couldn't bear to watch any longer.
All the emotions clawed at her soul.
The familiar feeling coursed through her mind. She didn’t care that it was her fifth one already. They were to be used, so who cared? Ichika certainly was far from that.
It was dark outside by this point, the streetlights illuminating the smoking area Ichika had retreated to. There was no else in sight, leaving her to her own thoughts. Her loud, excruciating, unavoidable thoughts.
Shiho’s face was burned into her mind. Those eyes of pain. That slight falter. Ichika couldn’t help but feel regret. A burning regret for coming back and bringing her pain with her.
Ichika puffed out a cloud of smoke. She still couldn’t understand her body’s actions. Leaning against the wall, she sucked in the nicotine to numb even just a little bit of the agony crushing her. Her fingers began trembling. Has she always felt this weak?
“...Hey.”
That familiar voice echoed in Ichika’s ears. She didn’t want to look in that direction. Yet her head turned around to the sight of a silver-haired girl, standing somewhat distantly. She stood still, watching her in the darkness.
“...: Ichika didn’t respond. She continued to smoke, fidgeting the cigarette in her hands. The tension in the air only grew tighter. Please go away. Please go away. Please go away.
Despite her inner whines, Shiho came just a little closer, enough that Ichika could see her face in the light. There was…a hint of sadness in Shiho’s eyes. Her face was neutral, but Ichika could notice the small signs that she had cried. Maybe not that much, but enough that a few tears came out. I’m sorry, Shiho. I’m sorry.
Shiho’s eyes darted around, clearly avoiding eye contact. “Um…I saw you in the crowd.”
Clearly Shiho wanted a conversation, much to Ichika’s dismay. “...Yeah. I guess I was there.” She was surprised that Shiho hadn’t mentioned her smoking yet. Maybe she didn’t care. Or she didn’t want to say anything. It didn’t really matter either way. As long as Ichika could still continue.
“...I haven’t seen you in a while.” Shiho said somewhat awkwardly.
“Yeah. Haven’t been around much.” Ichika fidgeted with the cigarette with her lips. “...You sounded good today. You’ve only improved since then, huh?”
Shiho’s face showed slight pain. Her lips pursed. Ichika noticed Shiho moving her hands in her pockets.
Ichika sighed, a cloud coming out of her mouth. Was it really up to her to entertain this conversation? “But I guess you would improve in a year, huh? Haha.”
She only realised now. It really has been that long, huh? It was strange to accept that fact. Back then, when Leo/need were at their prime, Ichika could hardly imagine them being apart. She was so happy in those days, being able to enjoy practice with the friends she thought she had lost long ago. It was only something a dream could bring her.
Now though, one of those friends stood in front of her, stiffly trying to converse with her. Was it not quite sad?
It is, isn’t it? The fact that you caused it.
Ichika noticed her cigarette losing flame. Exhaling the last ash, she pulled up her left arm sleeve and began pressing the fire in with her thumb.
Immediately, she felt a slap hit her hand, knocking the cigarette out of it. Ichika watched as it slightly bounced off the floor, losing its light on the wet concrete.
“Huh?” She looked up to the sight of Shiho, who had somehow ran up to her in that short amount of time. It was her hand which had slapped Ichika’s cigarette away. From the look on Shiho’s face, she was mad.
“What do you think you’re doing?!” Shiho clutched Ichika’s wrist, glancing up and down her arm. “Seriously, burning yourself like that? Ichika, that’s-”
“Why do you care?”
Shiho paused. Her eyes grew troubled. “B-because that’s bad for you! I didn’t mention you smoking, but…this can’t be good. You need to stop, Ichika.”
Ichika dryly smiled at the girl. “It doesn’t make sense. Weren’t you the one who told me?”
“Huh? What do you mean?” Shiho’s hand trembled.
“You forgot? Well, I guess that’s fine. It’s probably better that you did.” Ichika sadly stared at the sky, watching the stars glisten. “It was you who told me. That it was my fault that this happened. That it was because of me that everything went wrong. Am I wrong, Shiho?”
Shiho drew in a breath. She was clearly caught off guard by that. Suddenly, her eyes grew in realisation, her lips trembling. “W-wait, I-”
Ichika slowly took her wrist from Shiho’s loosened grip. “It’s okay. I already accepted it, so you don’t have to be sad. It’s okay, Shiho.”
“No, Ichika. No, I…” The girl trailed off, drooping her shoulders.
“...It’s my pain to endure. Knowing I failed everyone, that I caused all of this. I know already. That’s why, I want you to go forward. It made me really happy to see that you’ve improved, you know?” Ichika’s voice trembled. “But, you shouldn’t talk to me anymore. Please, just let me wither away. Let me go through this agony, Shiho.”
Shiho stayed silent. She clearly wanted to say something, but no words escaped her lips.
Good.
“...Thank you for letting me see you perform again. I guess, this is goodbye.” Ichika turned around, avoiding the gaze of the bassist. “...Bye.”
Her footsteps echoed across the empty sky. Ichika couldn’t bear to look back, so she didn’t.
It was like back then.
Her back turned away from Shiho.
When they had first disbanded.
When Ichika accepted her fate.
And it hurt all the same.