Chapter 1: Remembrance
Chapter Text
I have no right to be doing this with so many unfinished stories… but I need to. This has been sitting in my head for so long, almost as long as 'It's complicated'. I've wanted to separate these two fics for a while, and hence, here we are.
I hope that you will all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I promise a story of wholesomeness, past trauma and current healing, love, respect and lots of slice of life.
Without further ado:
Chapter 1: Remembrance
Nanashi – the one without a name. That's what they called him. Appropriate, he would say. He hadn't been able to remember much of anything. Or, at least, much of his life. As the memories flooded him, like a series of snapshots from another life, a past life, a life he couldn't recall for months, guilt settled in. It ate at him, from his stomach, to his head, like a plague one couldn't heal or temper. For once, he understood the notion of 'something eating one alive'. It was eating him alive. Because he was alive.
He'd heard of the Shitchi Temple during his time with Zabuza. A medical sanctuary built high in the mountains at the very edge of the territory ruled by the Mizukage. It was known among the common folk as a place of miraculous healing, welcoming anyone who sought it, regardless of their nature, race, birth or past sins. The Shitchi Temple didn't ask for money. There was no need to pay an arm and a leg for healing there, unlike in other places. Coming there required only that the patients make the perilous journey to the land where it resided, through the marshes surrounding it which housed numerous poisonous and venomous breeds of creatures.
The first one he met, and by far his favorite, among the resident healers was Kaede. A slip of a girl, with hair as vibrant as fire in messy curls all around her pretty, round face. She had large, kind eyes, which never seemed to gloss over anything amiss with him. His primary caretaker. Even while he was asleep, deep in his recovery from life-threatening wounds, he could recall her voice, like a crackle of a fireplace, a whispery tone, talking to him. She'd sat by his bedside for hours, surely, gently coaxing him back out of the cold ground and into the world of living which just couldn't seem to be finished with him.
And then there was Saeko-sama, or Saeko-sensei. She was the elderly figure of authority and the genius mastermind behind all the techniques which the Temple healers used to save those who seemed beyond saving. As he learned, the woman was a former kunoichi, now an invaluable iryo-nin, who had forgone her service to the Mizukage in favor of love. She was a silent presence, but one that could never be ignored. When she was healing, she shined like a bright beacon in the night, like a lighthouse of a port, calling all those adrift to her, but when she was outside of the healing rooms, she retreated into the guise of an old woman, into her weary body, drifting from room to room like a ghost, almost, yet never to be ignored due to her enviable wisdom and strength.
The last permanent resident of the Temple was Jōichirō, the Master. The first thing he noticed about Master Jōichirō was that everyone called him Master. Well, not the first. He would be lying if he told one that. The first thing he noticed about Master Jōichirō were his kind eyes. He could still remember the moment he woke up in the ground. Dug his way out of the suffocating bed which had been made for him. Crawled his way out, just as he'd been trained. Survived at all costs. His own Master had instilled that into him, after many hours of training which had made him puke by the side of the road afterwards. It was Master Jōichirō who had found him, picked him up gently and took him away from that hole. The abyss. That grave. He could still remember glancing back, over the Master's shoulder, at what was surely his own Master's grave. He hadn't wanted to leave. But, Master Jōichirō wouldn't stop gently talking to him. About anything and everything, really, much like Kaede. He would talk of his travels, of how his wife could heal from death and how he'd found the most amusing little beetle on his way back into the small inn they briefly stayed in. What he learned about Master Jōichirō within the first week of knowing him was that the man saw life in its purest, smallest form, acknowledging and admiring it for the beauty of purely being alive.
The Temple had many visitors. The kids from the village came to treat their cuts and bruises. The elderly made the journey up the mountain to seek relief from their age. The married couples came for consultations regarding fertility or pregnancy. And then, there were those who came from afar. Various shinobi who were told by their home villages how they were beyond help. Numerous merchants who sought help during their trips for a variety of ills, regaling the residents with stories of their travels. The Shitchi Temple truly lived up to its reputation. The healers there accepted everyone and anyone, regardless of their situation.
He was mostly left to his own devices. In his room, with a single window overlooking the steep drop down the mountain, he read for hours. The Temple didn't have much of a selection of books. Mostly it was medical writings. A variety of authors, accepted and heretical almost, lined the walls of the long hallways on tall shelves. Kaede fetched him books, one by one, to pass the time. He didn't mind it. He enjoyed the reading. It helped pass the time and kept the guilt at bay. It refreshed his memory of sneaking into the tracker-nin classes and learning from those lectures. He learned new things through the words on those pages, too. Operations had been something rather novel when he was young. They had been considered unsafe and tricky to administer as treatment. Medical jutsu was the preferred option at that time. But, in these books, various authors listed numerous techniques of life-saving procedures which could even prevent amputation in dire situations. Truly, they provided him with solace.
When he wasn't reading, he was trying to get back on his feet. Kaede had explained to him, after she realized that best results were achieved through thorough explanation in his case, how recent studies had shown that getting a patient on their feet as soon as possible helped speed their recovery. It hurt. His legs had never been that sluggish. His chest always felt like it was on fire as he took tentative steps, supported by his caretaker on one side and a cane on the other. His head would pound and his vision would swim. But, he pushed through the pain. It was another thing Zabuza had instilled in him. Swallow the pain, physically if you can't mentally, and push. Never stop pushing. If you can't walk, then crawl. If you can't crawl, bite your way out. Survive by all means. Still, the surviving hurt. Everything hurt. When it didn't hurt physically, it hurt mentally. The guilt ate at him in the dead of night, when he would wake up at odd hours.
And the nightmares. They had started almost as soon as he regained consciousness, not even knowing what he was dreaming about. He would wake up in the middle of the night, chocking, his hands trembling, fingers hurting from phantom pain. His fingertips would feel like they had been ripped apart. As his memory returned slowly, gradually, those were the first things he recalled. The wet, heavy dirt which got in his nose and mouth and eyes as he dug his way up. The first freezing breaths of misty air he took, like sips of cold water to a man dying of thirst. The stinging in his chest. The pain in his head. The guilt in his stomach. Sometimes he dreamt that he couldn't get out. That no matter how much he dug, he wouldn't dig himself out. He would dream of suffocation. Not a peaceful death. Not a peaceful death at all. Not a useful death. Just a useless lump of flesh left behind to rot in the ground. And it was him.
Kaede found him like that one night, panting his bed, gasping for air, fingers trembling from exertion. He couldn't forget her face. There was no pity there. Only sympathy. She had approached him slowly, made him drink some water with medical herbs in there and then made him sit up. Then, she'd slipped in behind him, ignoring the sweat-stained sheets and made him lay down in her lap, across her chest. And then, she'd caressed his hair and whispered stories to him until her fell asleep to the sound of her ancient-sounding voice. He hadn't had nightmares in her arms. Her embrace was the cure-all. But he wasn't so selfish as to call on her every night. Still, she came almost every evening. The bags under her eyes were noticeable. So, he'd lied and told her that he was fine. It hadn't worked. Kaede read him like an open book. He couldn't smile and lie to her. Instead, with a soft expression, she asked him to sit up and then got comfortable on his pillow, embracing him and lulling him back to sleep, telling him that it helped her decompress after a long day when she talked to him like that.
It took him a month to become somewhat useful around the Temple. Kaede told him that there was no need, that he should rest and recover, but he wanted to repay their kindness in some way. So, he worked as much as they let him. He could sit in the herb garden and make poultices. He could grind herbs. He could pull little dried leaves from the stems and put them into jars for healing concoctions. He could whisk eggs for meals. He could cut vegetables. He did it all, whenever the healers let him. Saeko-sama mostly didn't interfere. She often gave him analytical looks, but never told him what to do or what not to. Kaede nagged. She nagged a lot. He had never been nagged at before. He kind of liked it. Masochistically. Perhaps he craved Zabuza's stern scolding. Kaede was too soft. But he still liked it. Preferred it. And that also ate at him.
He didn't know when his admiration grew into something more with Kaede. At some point, when he was still Nanashi, he found himself looking forward to seeing her red hair. He found himself wanting to catch even a glimpse of her through his open door. He waited for her in the evening, craving the soft touch on his forehead and the smell of herbs and spices on her clothing. His admiration of the healer who'd saved him had grown into something dangerous. Affection? No. More than that. He adored her.
Transference. He'd read about that. It was when a patient who felt understood, cared for and safe with their caregiver began mistaking that gratitude for love. But, that wasn't what he felt. He knew what gratitude was. He knew what being thankful felt like. He knew how that kind of devotion grew to the point of obsession. Obsessive self-sacrifice. He'd been there. He'd lived that. He knew that very well. Objectively, he had always been aware that his relationship with Zabuza had been a toxic one. That his willingness to do anything for the man was not healthy. But with Kaede, it was different. It wasn't that he was simply grateful to her. It was her little smiles. It was her removing tomatoes from food for the kid from the village who didn't like them. It was the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was reading. It was her brewing jasmine tea in moderation for the woman who'd just given birth because she knew the new mother liked it. It was the greetings in the morning and in the evening. It was her whispery voice like a crackling fireplace which told him stories at night to chase away the nightmares. It was the way she tied her obi. It was the color of her eyes and the nervous biting of her lip. Everything. It was everything about Kaede that he adored. Nanashi had adored her. So, he adored her, as well. Different. Deeper. More. Nanashi had given him perspective. The return of his memories wasn't alien. It was like puzzle pieces falling into place, further enhancing his every core characteristic. Adoration of Kaede was one of them.
No, it was not transference. He knew transference. This was not it. He adored this woman, to the very core of his being. But then the guilt set in. With the return of his memories, the gnawing guilt also came. And it overwhelmed everything else that he was feeling. Not even her soft caress of his hair in the evening could soothe him anymore. All he felt was the hollowing guilt.
"You remembered something," Kaede stated one evening as she stripped his old sheets from the bed. He was sitting in the rocking chair by the window, waiting for her to be done, his muscles still horribly weak. She didn't say anything else, but continued with her work. She quickly stripped the pillowcases and stacked pillows on the nightstand. "I can tell." Her eyes passed over him, inspecting his reaction. He did his best not to give anything away with his face or body. Still, she read him like an open book. "Do you remember everything?" Kaede took out fresh linen sheets for the bed and tucked them in the corners. She sighed, pausing, turning to him. Her hands came to rest on her hips expectantly.
"You already know," he smiled sadly. He couldn't be Nanashi anymore. He couldn't be the one who adored Kaede anymore. Not now that he could remember everything. Now that he knew what kind of a sinful criminal he was, he would have to leave. Someone like him had no right to even kneel in front of someone like her. Much less stand. Gods forbid ask for something.
"Alright," Kaede nodded, returning to her work. She grabbed fresh pillowcases and began pulling them onto the pillows. "Do you want to talk about it?" He really didn't. He didn't want her to know what kind of a dirty being he was. The serving tool to a master. Not even human. He wanted her to remember him as a human being, not a tool. "I suppose that's a no, then." Kaede tossed pillow after pillow onto the bed, undoubtedly smelling of sunshine and herbs. "Will you at least tell me your name?" There was a quiet moment. He really didn't want to. He wanted to stay Nanashi for her. He wanted to be her Nanashi. But she wouldn't let him off the hook that easily.
"I have to?" He asked finally. Kaede sighed, turning to him again. She walked over, holding one of the last fresh pillowcases in her hand. She lightly smacked it over his head, making him finally look at her. It smelled of sunshine and herbs, like he'd guessed it would. He knew that she dried laundry in the herb garden above the Temple. It always smelled like sunshine and herbs when she re-dressed his bed or brought him new clothes.
"No," she replied, smiling. She always smiled so gently at him. "No, you don't have to tell me. But I would like to know, whenever you're ready." Kaede patted his head gently and then went back to making his bed.
"Haku," he finally whispered, almost disgusted by his own name. "My name is Haku." Kaede hummed in contemplation.
"Haku." Suddenly, his name wasn't dirty anymore. Spoken from her lips, it was lovely. "It suits you." He chuckled.
"Does it?"
"Yes," Kaede grinned back. "It really does." She started arranging his blankets into new covers. "Who gave you your name?" He had to think for a moment about that one.
"My mother," he recalled. It seemed so distant now. The whole story of his mother and father. The whole situation with his kekkei genkai. The whole… thing. It seemed like it was from another life. Perhaps, now, for him, it truly was from a different life.
"My mother also gave me my name," Kaede said with a huff. "Can you imagine, me, as someone tranquil?" She laughed. "I think my mother hoped that I would be a cool-headed person who had peace in their life, or something." She turned to him then, smiling. "In the end, all I got out of my maple leaf is my green thumb." She returned to arranging the blankets on the bed, tucking corners in. "I suppose I didn't live up to my mother's expectations. Or anyone's, for that matter." He chuckled.
"We have that in common," he told her. "I think my mother hoped that I would be a blank page, a new start for her." He looked down at his hands. He could still recall the first time he manifested his abilities with those same hands. "I suppose we both betrayed our mothers' hopes."
"Well, I think it suits you," Kaede said without pause, walking over to him. "Do you think my name suits me?"
"Yes," he immediately replied.
"Why?"
"Because you bring peace to your patients," he told her honestly. "Like momijigari." At that, she laughed. He loved making her laugh. The small wrinkles at the corners of her eyes and the way her laughter vibrated through him. He loved it all.
"Like momijigari," Kaede managed to say. "This is the first time I've heard that one." Then, she reached out, tucking his hair behind his ear gently. His hair was short now. Only down to his chin. It had been so much longer. They'd cut it for treatment when he'd come in. Host-cell transmutation in healing jutsu. He knew of that one. He still missed his long hair sometimes. "I think you've received your mother's intent now, if it's any comfort. Now, you can forge a new beginning for yourself if you'd like to." He looked at Kaede's eyes, seeing the tenderness there.
"Am I allowed to live freely? No matter what happened in the past?" He asked her desperately. Perhaps he needed some kind of validation from her. Perhaps he just wanted a new master. He didn't know. But, Kaede had always been clever enough to avoid giving him directions. She'd only every offered comfort and advice. That was also why he adored her.
"It's up to you now," she told him with a sigh. "The only thing we can do here is heal your body. You need to decide the rest for yourself." Kaede picked up the dirty laundry and went for the door. She stopped in the doorway and turned with a soft smile. "But I sure hope that you will decide to be free of whatever's been troubling you, Haku." With that, she left.
He sat in the rocking chair for a long time, not picking up the newest edition of cardio-vascular surgery he'd been reading. Her words left him with a lot to think about, after all. One thing, however, was certain. He loved his name.
The following morning he was surprised to walk into the living area of the Temple, using his crutches still, slowly, only to be greeted by much the same view as always. Kaede flipping pancakes at the stone stove, her hair tied under a bandana and the long sleeves of her kimono held back with string, as they usually were while she worked. Saeko-sama sitting at the low, long table used for dining, reading and drinking her morning cup of tea. Master Jōichirō with that day's paper, frowning at the crossword, also partaking in tea. They all greeted him in their own ways, as normally. Saeko-sama nodded. Jōichirō gave him a smile. Kaede brightened up and spoke up.
"Breakfast will be ready soon," she said. "Take a seat and be mindful of your stitches." He didn't protest. He was still flabbergasted that she hadn't reported about his recovery to her teacher. Instead, Haku slowly sat down, tenderly minding his side and chest, where the worst of his injuries were. He'd already torn his stitches three times within the span of a month and he supposed that one more time would be the final straw for Kaede. She would chain him to the bed.
"Tea?" Jōichirō offered.
"I'd be much obliged," he replied. Jōichirō's eyebrow rose at the overly formal language, but he didn't comment. Instead, he lowered his newspaper, poured another cup and placed it in front of his guest. Haku took a sip. The warm beverage in the clay dish in his hand warmed his hands comfortingly. The aromatic freshness was telltale before he even tasted the blend. It was a type of green tea. The sweet aftertaste made him pause. "Is this local matcha?" Jōichirō smiled wide.
"You like?" The man asked eagerly. "I harvested and processed it myself. I think it's fairly good for my first attempt at something that complex." Haku nodded, taking another sip.
"It's a very pleasant tea."
"Don't encourage him," Saeko-sama huffed. "If he gets more into that stuff, he'll end up overrunning our herbal garden with teas." Haku blinked, turning to Jōichirō, already expecting the expression on his face. Indeed, the man was frowning at his crossword. Haku tilted his head to the side. This aspect of the married couple's relationship was something he did not like in the least. While Saeko-sama and Jōichirō mostly got along perfectly well, working like one entity, they also often argued about the most trivial of things as if they were the subject of utmost importance. Apparently, he'd just stepped on yet another landmine when it came to their marital bickering, this time the topic of quantity of teas in the herbal garden. Kaede's giggle from the kitchen told him that he hadn't managed to hide his exasperation and awkwardness as well as he'd thought.
"Dear, teas are very beneficial for the body," Jōichirō put down his crossword, turning to Saeko-sama. Indeed, Haku knew where this was going. Jōichirō's undivided attention meant a lengthy, likely heated discussion of pros and cons of the topic at hand. "In fact, a recent study I've read-"
"Psst," Haku looked up, seeing Kaede waving him over subtly. He smiled in relief immediately. The girl knew him too well.
"I will lend a hand with the breakfast," he politely excused himself from the couple who weren't really paying him any mind, already talking over one another. Jōichirō was the one who used logical arguments with a stern, but low tone, while Saeko-sama was usually the one who spoke through a passive-aggressive smile, until her temper got the better of her. Haku escaped as quickly as his injuries allowed. "Thank you," he sighed as soon as he was out of the line of fire, leaning on the countertop next to Kaede in the adjoining kitchenette.
"Don't mention it," she replied immediately. "Just take note of the new bicker-bomb."
"How do they get along so well at some times and argue like cats and dogs at others?" Haku mused partially to himself, looking at the bickering couple at the table. Saeko-sama seemed close to blowing a fuse.
"Marriage," Kaede sighed, shrugging. "It's a mysterious thing." He nodded.
"I suppose if you've been together with one person for so long, you get to that stage, no?" He asked the girl, arranging the plates and pancakes on the countertop for her to have easier access. Kaede effortlessly flipped one in the pan.
"I think it's just their personalities," she replied. "Why do you think Master travels so much?" Haku turned to look at the girl next to him.
"Surely not to avoid…"
"Precisely to avoid…" They sighed at the same time and then shared a smile.
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder," he muttered.
"Don't let Master hear that," the girl said, walking over. "Here, why don't you dazzle me with that speedy knife work of yours," she extended him the freshly washed fruit they would be having for breakfast.
"It would be my pleasure," Haku picked up the offered blade and started slicing through strawberries in a methodical fashion. If Zabuza could see him now, using those skills he'd been taught for his work as a shinobi in the kitchen, he would likely go ballistic. Haku didn't particularly mind. He preferred using his fine motor skills precisely in this manner.
They had returned first, before the memories. His body seemed to be able to recall his life perfectly through muscle memory. When Kaede had finally allowed him to help her out in the kitchen a bit, he'd displayed his skillset. Sure enough, they'd both joked how he'd either been a great shinobi or a member of a circus troupe. That had been fun, guessing what his past could've been like based on the numerous skills his body remembered. Reconstructing various lives from imagination alone. With the deep hollow pit of guilt in his stomach, he almost wished he'd been that knife thrower Kaede had imagined him as, living a vibrant life with a travelling circus.
That's all for now, folks!
I would greatly appreciate feedback :)
Chapter 2: Living
Chapter Text
Because a story cannot sit with only one chapter, here's one more.
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, PTSD and many other things which need to be fixed about poor Haku asap.
Chapter 2: Living
It took him considerably longer than he'd like to admit to get his breathing and heart rate under control. Sitting alone in his bed, in the dark room, Haku did as he had learned. He placed one hand over his heart and concentrated on his calming method of choice – counting. It took him a while, likely more than an hour, to get his heart rate down. To get his breathing even. To get his body to stop sweating. Before, he would've been able to do something like that easily.
Control. Zabuza was a strict teacher. He preached control above anything else. Control your emotions. Control your body. Control your chakra. Control your jutsu. Control your weapon. Haku had learned to control his emotions early on. Only a few weeks with Zabuza had fixed those. Controlling his body had taken years. But, he had managed somehow. Chakra and jutsu control had been difficult, but not impossible. It was the first time anyone had willingly asked him to use his kekkei genkai. He had learned to be very precise with that, too. Weapons, those had been fun. From the easiest of kunai to the most difficult and precise senbon, he'd learned over time. And there he was now, in that bed, in the welcoming and warm Shitchi Temple, losing all control. His body didn't listen to him. His chakra went haywire every time he attempted to focus it. His jutsu was beyond saving in his current state. His emotions were a mess. He was a failure. He had failed as a tool and as a shinobi. He had failed as a human being. He had failed as everything. And yet he was still breathing. It made him sick. The steady thumping of his heart made him sick.
He didn't know how long he sat there for in the dark. He just wanted to be swallowed up by it. He wanted the storm inside him to vanish. He wanted to go numb once more, to forget everything and to return to being Nanashi, fascinated by the world he was rediscovering. Nanashi had had it easy. A painful body and a stable mind. A welcoming and nurturing environment. A desire to find out everything and anything. Haku had it hard. The fog which had been in his head as Nanashi was gone and the clarity he existed in was as sharp as a blade. It stung quite like that, too. Every waking moment was painful. Every unconscious moment was filled with dreams of suffocation and death. What would it take to make it all stop? He had no control over anything any longer. Perhaps he could at least choose how and when he died.
Haku struggled to get out of bed. He approached the desk with the aid of his crutch, always left within reach carefully by Kaede, and he stared at the items on top of the wooden surface. There was a medical book on orthopedics and a plate which he'd eaten from the previous evening while reading. On top of the plate sat a knife. He'd used that to peel and cut an apple. The skin of the fruit still remained on the plate, the small bits of flesh having oxidized into a pretty brown. The smell of apples permeated the room gently. He liked the scent of apples. But, the knife was more appealing. He picked it up with his free hand, inspecting the edge's sharpness by drawing his thumb across it. In the darkness of the room, illuminated only by moonlight from the window, crimson drops blossomed under the touch of the blade.
"You're still up?" Haku was torn from his trance, the inspection of the blood drops, by the soft sigh behind him. He turned around to find Kaede enter his room. She was always soundless when she moved, despite the heavy geta on her feet. "I thought you might be. I had a lot of charts to fill, so I'm late tonight. I was hoping you'd be asleep alre- oh." She stopped short, seeing his grip on the knife. Then, she went silent, her eyes going up to his face. They weren't angry of accusatory. Just, sad somehow.
"It seems that I was a tad careless," Haku smiled at her. A reflex. He placed the knife back on the plate and put his thumb into his mouth. The taste of blood was familiar. Kaede didn't say anything, but her expression told him that she didn't quite believe his fib.
"With all of your time devouring our library you should know by now that human saliva isn't good medical practice," the healer walked over, reaching out for his hand. He allowed her to pull his finger free from his mouth and she inspected the cut. It was shallow, but still bled. Another set of red droplets blossomed on the pad of his thumb. "I'll get some ointment." And she was gone. His hand felt so cold when she let go.
Haku waited for Kaede. He realized at some point that he would be happy enough in his life, or whatever remnants of life it was, if he could spend it waiting on Kaede. Waiting on, waiting for, all of it. The adoration for the slip of a healer that had developed during his time at the Temple had become like a lifeline which he gripped as tightly as possible, at all times. He would be happy enough to serve her for the rest of the time which was allowed him.
She would hate that, he tore himself from the fantasy. Kaede was very independent. Very much independent. He didn't know a lot about her, anything, really. He knew of her from the time he'd met her to the present. Nothing further, nothing more. But, what he knew, he was wholly and fully in love with. The gentle person. Zabuza had often scolded him on how soft he was. Told him that it was his biggest weakness. Told him to get rid of it. Stab it and butcher it and devour that part of himself before it got him killed. How funny.
And then there was Kaede. She was nothing but soft. Her hair was soft. Her hands were soft. Her voice was soft. Her footsteps were soft. Her demeanor was soft. Kaede was soft. So deliciously, perfectly and irreplaceably soft. He loved the steady emotional strength underneath that softness which supported her kindness. He adored Kaede, perhaps also because she was the epitome of what he could be, if he was strong enough to support his nature.
"Let me see that," Kaede's voice made him jump slightly. With a smile she tended to his cut, not commenting on how he'd gotten it. She applied salve and wrapped the pad of his finger in a bandage. Tied it securely, yet softly. "Let's get some sleep into you, so you can get a head start on that recovery tomorrow." It wasn't an order, but he obeyed it like doctrine. Haku struggled to get up from the chair beside the desk, and the healer was immediately at his side, providing a surprisingly strong support to his free arm.
"My legs fell asleep," he chuckled with a smile.
"They will get better the more time you spend using them," Kaede reassured. She made certain that he was comfortable on the bed before she crawled in, settling on the pillows and opening her arms for him. Haku didn't hesitate. He buried himself in her soft body, hugging her tightly, getting enveloped in her intoxicating scent of herbs and laundry detergent. "Sweet dreams," Kaede whispered, covering them both with the blanket and wriggling into a good position to rest.
"I hope you have sweeter ones," he whispered back, already half-asleep.
When he woke up, well-rested, she was already gone. Haku glanced from the bed out the window to see the morning sun barely peeking through the usual fog which hung around the Temple. Kaede was always gone by the time he woke up. While traveling with Zabuza he had been the early riser. Whether it was due to the time he'd spent on the streets, worrying about what situation he would find himself in once he opened his eyes or because of the time he'd spent after his parents met their end, terrified of someone else coming to hunt him down, Haku didn't sleep much. Four hours. That was what he needed. Even that time he'd spent as an undercover shinobi at the academy, he hadn't slept more than four hours during the night. Sometimes he napped during the day, when the circumstances permitted. But, mostly it was around four hours, oftentimes even less.
Yet, since he woke up at the Shitchi Temple for the first time, he would always end up dozing off for more than ten hours during the day. The rest of the time, he'd spend yawning and yearning for his bed. In spite of all the nightmares, he still wished for sleep. Perhaps he was making up all the sleep hours he'd lost during his childhood. Perhaps he'd simply wished for dreams to take him away from his reality. He didn't know. And he didn't bother dwelling on it.
Instead, he pushed himself up. The area around his chest tightened as he did. Whenever he moved, it was tight. Kaede had told him that that kind of pain was normal and that he shouldn't push through it, but lessen the strain whenever he could. He obeyed. He always obeyed what she told him. It wasn't like Zabuza's orders. Kaede didn't make him do anything. He didn't feel like he had to listen to her. There was none of that. It was simply… because she cared for his wellbeing. Her words and instructions came from years of experience as a healer and from a place of worry. Haku obeyed them gladly. He obeyed her like a man starved ate for the first time in a long time. He obeyed her without question, because he could see the sound logic of her instructions. Not orders, instructions.
He smiled to himself, getting his crutch. The Shitchi Temple and its residents had made him feel a sense of peace he hadn't felt since that time, all those years ago, living with his parents on the outskirts of the village. Yet, he couldn't stop the gnawing guilt eating him every second of every day. He would face it, Haku decided. It was time to face that. Like Kaede said, he couldn't expect her or anyone else to make decisions for him. He had this life, the life given to him, by whatever miracle, to live. He couldn't just wait for someone else to plan it out for him. He had to become a human being, leave behind the mindset of a tool. He had to live, not survive.
"Saeko-sama," after bathing and dressing, Haku found the old healer in her study that afternoon, for a change, on his own. Though Kaede had remained outside of the bathroom the whole time, she'd let him do as much as he could on his own. This trip he'd made on his own two feet and the wooden cruch.
"Nanashi," Saeko put down her pen and took off her reading glasses. She turned in her chair to watch him hobble into the room and motioned for the patient cot next to her desk. He sat down with a grunt and then sighed when the weight was off his legs. It still hurt to walk around, but he was getting better. With each day, each step, it was becoming easier to move around the Temple. "How is your rehabilitation going? I trust Kaede has been sufficient?"
"Kaede is more than sufficient," Haku smiled politely at the healer. "She instructs me gently on my routines and helps me whenever I need it, but always lets me do as much as I can," he reassured. "I've been feeling my strength return steadily." Saeko nodded to herself.
"No more headaches?"
"None in the past few weeks," He promised.
"And the tightness around the wound?"
"It's manageable," he replied. "More importantly, Saeko-sama," Haku cut her off before she went down the long, familiar list which she always used when they met up to check his recovery. "I was hoping that you could tell me more about the circumstances of my healing." The old healer sighed, then turned completely towards him.
"I really dislike that polite way of yours, Nanashi," Saeko grumbled. "Ask me outright what you want to know." Haku took a second, bracing himself for the question which would surely be the spark of an avalanche. It was time to say goodbye to Nanashi, it seemed.
"I've remembered," he hesitated, then continued. "Everything." Saeko didn't speak. By her demeanor, he couldn't judge if Kaede had reported his newfound memories to her or not. "I used to be a shinobi. A nukenin. I served Momochi Zabuza for the majority of my life." He took another breath. Saying Zabuza's name out loud had made his voice crack unpleasantly. His throat was tight. He chose to avoid the whole topic of his mentor's death for the time being and instead focused on what had been bothering him. "I can recall being in a battle which should've taken my life. I can recall sacrificing myself for my mentor," he avoided Zabuza's name shamefully. "I… I can't comprehend how I'm sitting here, talking to you now. The wound I suffered tore my heart. I shouldn't've been able to survive it." He realized that at some point, he'd glanced at his hands and was clenching them together tightly. He forced his fingers to relax.
Saeko sighed. "I will talk to you as I would talk to a shinobi, then," she told him slowly. Her voice didn't change. She didn't pity him in any way or form. "When you were injured, a jutsu was applied to you. This jutsu is meant to be a life-saving method on the battlefield, it was devised purely for that." Haku looked up quickly, finding the woman looking out the window.
"H-how do you know?"
"I created it," Saeko explained. "I knew Momochi Zabuza very well," she turned to him with a soft smile then. "He was such an angry, angsty boy when I knew him. He was under my tutelage for five years before leaving on a mission and never returning to the village. I always wondered if I'd failed in my teachings, but I see, when I look at you, that it wasn't the case."
"When you look at me?" Haku tilted his head, not certain how to take her words. Saeko laughed.
"That greenhorn full of rage managed to raise such a wonderful student, after all," she extended her hand, patting his cheek gently. "Perhaps it was fate that he should use my jutsu to save you only for my husband to find you and bring you to me. Perhaps all of this was fate." Haku's throat closed up and his vision went blurry. "Your master must've loved you very much, to have used the very last of his chakra, the very essence of his life, in order to save your life. That is the Last Breath I created and taught him. It is a way to sacrifice your own life in order to save another's."
"Z-Zabuza-s-san, h-he-" Haku's voice broke and he desperately tried to get his breathing under control. He hadn't expected to lose composure like that. To abandon his training like that. To break down from the answers he received.
"He judged your life to be worth more than his," Saeko stood from her chair, crossing the small distance to sit next to him. "He was a perfect mentor, in the end, considering his child more important than himself."
"B-but, I'm not- I'm just h-his tool," Haku's voice cracked while he struggled to keep his tears at bay. "A defective tool that failed to save him." Saeko took his hands into her own and squeezed them gently.
"One's student is always one's child, regardless of bloodlines," she told him softly. "That's how I teach and that's how Zabuza was taught. You were very precious to him indeed. Never forget that." At those words, Haku lost whatever composure he had left and tears spilled over. He hiccupped, trying desperately to stop them and reached up, wiping them with both hands. That was when Saeko reached over and took him into her warm embrace, the scent of medicinal herbs enveloping him in her arms. Haku broke down completely and sobbed into her shoulder, hugging her tightly, while Saeko patted his back. He didn't know how long he sat there for. Maybe hours, maybe minutes. It seemed like days. But, when he finally let go of the old healer and she brushed his tears away, he knew one thing for certain. This life, the life Zabuza had saved for him, the life his teacher had saved for him, he wouldn't squander it.
"Essentially what he's given you is a second chance," Saeko said, taking a moment to empty her pipe into the ashtray. After his tears had stopped, she'd lit her tobacco and given him some chamomile tea. "I won't pretend to know my foolish disciple's mind, but if he's used something like the Last Breath, he surely used it wholeheartedly."
"To help me survive?" The old woman instantly groaned, her sharp eyes rising from where she was fiddling with her pipe to glare at Haku.
"To help you live," she clarified, pointing her kisaru at him. "Don't mistake surviving for living, boy. Don't mistake a chance for pity or charity. You've got this life he's given you, this time free of obligations, what will you do with it?"
The room fell into silence. Haku really didn't have a reply for that. He really didn't. What could have Master Zabuza been thinking in those final moments? To give him whatever he had left and leave him all alone in this cruel world with a slim chance at survival. No, a chance at living. What was the difference anyway? Haku didn't know. He knew that there was one. Living didn't taste the same on his tongue as surviving. It seemed so long ago when he'd lived with his parents. So long ago his memory was fuzzy as if lost in some blizzard. He could recall surviving fairly well. Surviving on that bridge. Surviving on that road. Surviving on those missions. Surviving in that hole. He could recall survival. What was living?
"Take your time," Saeko said after she'd puffed out a few circles of smoke, clouding up the room. "You don't need to have all the answers right away. That's how life is. Nothing goes according to plan." Haku frowned.
"Missions do," he replied. Saeko cackled.
"Missions go awry all the time, boy," she said. Then, she sighed, reaching out and placing her hand on top of his. "Just know you'll have a place here, a bed, a meal and some work, for as long as you want it. And if you decide to leave here, you will have our heartfelt goodbyes and well-wishes." Haku looked up at her with wide eyes. His stomach clenched uncomfortably. He was afraid, he realized.
"How do I know what I should do? How do I know I'm doing what's right? How do I live up to Master's expectations?" He asked in rapid succession. Saeko cackled again, standing up.
"That's the difference between a human and a tool, boy," she told him. "Now, you're no longer your master's tool. You're a human. A living, breathing human. Decisions are tough when you need to make them on your own, aren't they, Haku?" She went to leave the dark living room, pausing at the door. "We'll keep the smoke between us, ye?" He offered her a small smile, his mind still plagued with her questions and answers. "Thought so. Sleep on it." And then, she was gone.
"Weights?" Kaede asked absent-mindedly, not turning to look at him. "We don't really have those, but you could use some homemade ones, I guess," she trailed off. Then, she almost dropped the bandages she'd been rolling and turned to look at him. "Aren't you rushing it a bit? Weights right now might be…" He smiled at her.
"I know how much my body can handle," he promised. "I won't overdo it and I won't tear out my stiches." The frown on her face didn't go away. She abandoned the bandages on the table to lean over and press her finger in between his eyes gently.
"You've been doing that a lot lately," she accused. The gentle touch on his skin made him go cross-eyed to look at her hand. She giggled at his expression and withdrew her finger.
"Doing what?"
"Smiling as a defense mechanism." Kaede was so observant that it made him annoyed sometimes. "You were doing it before, but now it's much more frequent and only when you're being touchy about something." He didn't reply. He really couldn't reply to that. She was right. He didn't know when that had started, but it had begun a long time ago. Smile at the lady from the shop, so she'll give you food out of pity. Smile at the people passing, so they'll give you some change for a warm meal or even a place to sleep. Smile at the questions you can't answer, so that they'll stop being posed out of awkwardness. He had learned that a smile could fix a lot of his problems.
Kaede sighed, making him look up at her. She had picked up her bandages once again. "I'll fill up some bottles with water. That way you can be responsible with the weight and add or reduce the amount depending on stress."
"Thank you." That smile was genuine. That one he meant.
"You will need a new walking route," Kaede added. "If you're feeling well enough to work on regaining muscle strength, you should be able to handle some more distance." Haku sighed. He really wasn't looking forward to that. Walking was still quite taxing. His legs seemed to do only what they wanted, feeling alien to him. To think that not so long ago he'd had such perfect control of his muscles that he could use multiple techniques at once. And now… Now there he was, struggling to go from his room to the kitchen. Flicker seemed like a faraway dream to regain.
"I could try steps," he suggested tentatively. Kaede didn't stop rolling her bandages, but she did look at him. She inspected him for a moment and then nodded.
"We will do stairs, then," she concluded.
"To the herbal garden?"
"No," it was an immediate dismissal of the idea. The herbal garden was situated above the Shitchi Temple, going far up the mountain with wide stone slabs which served as steps and paths. The main part of it was so high up on the mountain that it was above the clouds. Haku had been there many times before, in his wheelchair, when Kaede had work there. He enjoyed taking tea in the garden, separating leaves from stems of medical herbs and doing small jobs which didn't require him to get out of his seat. "The altitude could be harmful," the young woman explained. "Instead let's attempt indoors stairs and then switch to lower areas of the mountain."
"Alright," Haku agreed. He looked at the healer in front of him, taking his time to inspect her. Kaede and he often worked like that. A small menial task would be laid out, one that he could complete in order to feel useful, which he knew that the young woman arranged purely for his sake, and then she would continue to work on the more important things on her own, leaving him to his own devices. He would take that time to look at her.
Kaede was stunning. In his eyes, she was likely the most stunning person he'd ever seen. It wasn't that she was immensely beautiful. At most, Kaede was pretty by conventional means. Haku knew how to gauge that objectively. He'd seen plenty of people passing by while he was begging. Rich people, poor people. He remembered the ladies in their expensive silk kimonos of many layers walking delicately past him. Kaede didn't have the typically highly valued sharp features of a mature lady. Instead, her face was rounder, her eyes bigger and her mouth poutier. She wasn't a lady, but a young woman. Still, she was stunning. Mainly, because of how she was.
Kaede did nothing half-heartedly. She would pour herself into every single task, no matter how seemingly trivial it was. At that moment, she was rolling bandages. Her eyes didn't stray from even one of them. The rolls were uniform and perfect, as if done by a machine. There were no creases. She would disinfect her hands between each roll. She settled them all into a secure container, looking as if store-bought at the end of her task. Her thin fingers moved like they were playing the piano or caressing a lover while working. The practiced movements, clearly done many times before, were effortlessly elegant. What someone women took years to achieve, she did without thinking. What they would pride themselves in showing off, she did humbly, only in front of him.
When he wasn't staring at her beautiful hands, worn from all the work, he was looking at her expression. Kaede always had a small crinkle on her nose when she concentrated. She scrunched it up in an adorable fashion, clearly showing that her task was taxing, no matter how easy it seemed. And her eyes. They never glanced away from the rolls. She would look at length, size, position and then roll up the thin strands into position. Yes, Haku was always captivated by her. He couldn't help it. He would just prop his head up on the table and watch her. She didn't seem perturbed by his gaze, so he didn't bother hiding his fascination, like in the beginning. He shamelessly watched her.
At those times, when he was alone with Kaede in that odd state of peacefulness, he didn't feel the creeping, hollowing guilt of breathing. Kaede was like an oasis in the middle of the desert for him. Like a lighthouse in the dark seas, steering him to port. He could breathe while he was there, in that moment.
"Oh," the young woman stopped briefly when she was done with her box of bandages. "It's almost lunchtime." She had glanced at the clock on the wall. "I'll get something ready. Would you like to give me a hand?"
"It would be my pleasure."
That's all for now folks!
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Chapter 3: Lines
Chapter Text
Enjoy!
Chapter 3: Lines
"What do you think is the purpose of a shinobi?" Kaede stopped picking herbs at the soft, very much unexpected, question, which came from her companion. She turned, still crouched, to see him properly taking a break from weights, like he'd promised he'd do.
Nanashi, or as she'd recently found out, Haku, was rather handsome. No, that word didn't quite do him justice. Pretty or beautiful was more accurate. Kaede wasn't sure what had decided that for her, but something had. Because, since the moment of his arrival at the Temple as a comatose patient, she had had difficulties keeping him and his fate at arm's length. She wasn't sure if it was his age, being so close to her own. Or if it was his beautiful, because, that was the only word she could use to describe it, face. Or perhaps the gentle demeanor that he had. Maybe the willingness to help anyone and everyone. Still, no matter how long of a time she spent with Nanashi, she couldn't quite stop and pause at his prettiness. It was oddly… startling. As if his presence she'd gotten used to and enjoyed, but his face still remained some kind of an untouchable or unreachable entity, to remain unknown to her. Silly, she knew. Still, it made her pause.
"The purpose of a shinobi…" Kaede repeated, buying time to think on it. "I suppose it's to serve?" She finally said, almost a bit too quietly, almost a bit too much to herself. She turned back to the plants in front of her, picking a fresh flower she could utilize.
"Serve the government?" He asked again, obviously having heard the reply. Kaede paused, watching a small dragonfly fly about the herb garden, landing on one of the non-toxic plants. It was a beautiful, yet sad creature. Kind of like herself. Kind of like the boy asking her all of the questions recently. To live only for a few weeks. Kaede didn't pity it. She admired its vivaciousness. The voracity of its appetite. The tenacity of the small thing. It flew over to her and landed on her finger, likely due to all the plants she'd touched.
"Just… serve," Kaede concluded. "Not all shinobi serve the government. Some serve their masters, some their families, some themselves. But they all serve the system. They are bred for the system. Trained for the system. And they die for the system." The dragonfly flew off. Kaede turned to the young man sitting on the bench, only to find him deep in thought. "Would you have preferred not to have known who and how you'd served?" At that, he laughed and her stomach jumped. Nanash- Haku, Haku was beautiful. Even more so when he smiled. And she felt like she was the most important person in the world when he looked at her like he was at that very moment.
"No," he finally said, resolute. "I don't want to forget. I'm not allowed to." She tilted her head to the side, frowning.
"You're allowed to do whatever you want," she retorted. "Forget if you want, remember if you want." He looked somber for a brief moment, then offered her that shield of a smile he always did. It was different than the one he'd shown before. The shield he usually put on his face was muscles only. No feeling behind it. She could tell. She had been one of those, as well. Those who put an automatic smile on her face. Before the Temple. Before she was able to breathe. That smile was suffocating. "Haku," she called out, making him jump a bit and refocus on her, as if he hadn't even been looking at her. He'd been too far away in his memories, for certain. "You don't have to smile if you don't want to." At that, he appeared stunned.
"I was smiling?"
"Yes," the girl replied, picking another flower. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to, smiling included. Do what you feel like doing. Nothing more, nothing less." He sighed in such a sad way that she couldn't resist looking back at him, intruding on the intimate moment of his thoughts. Kaede thought that he looked so beautifully broken at that very second. She recalled her own appearance in the mirror, the uneven, ripped hair, the mud on her old, torn kimono, the vacant look in her eyes and the bruised skin. Most of all, she recalled the crusted blood on her skin, the iron stench and stain which didn't leave from underneath of her nails for weeks. She recalled the desire to smash her head into the mirror until she couldn't see or feel or breathe.
She stood, dropping her plants into the small basket and walked over to the young man. He appeared startled by her movement for a brief second and then, he took in a sharp breath as she leaned down and hugged his head into her stomach. She patted his hair gently, still feeling guilty that it was such a short length from the old one, and caressed his back with her other hand softly. He didn't say anything. But, his breathing evened out very quickly and he took a deep, slow breath and then hugged around her middle.
Kaede didn't know how long they stayed like that. She didn't know who needed that embrace more, him or her. Maybe it was her selfish desire to ease her guilt over his current state. Maybe it was her seeing her younger self in him. Maybe it was him desiring comfort. Maybe it was something entirely different, what she couldn't even guess. All she knew was that they both needed the physical contact and warmth of another living person very badly at that very moment. So, they gave it to each other.
Kaede found him sitting at the bottom of the stairs, sweating all too much for a simple walk up and down. Immediately, she frowned.
"Who was it again who said they knew what their body could handle?" She came over, the wicker basket full of dry herbs leaning against her hip for balance. He offered her a ragged laugh and a bright smile, but she knew that tactic all too well.
Nana-Haku. Haku smiled his way out of things. He spoke politely and got one to forget why they had been scolding him in the first place. He smiled his way out of torn stiches and hidden wounds and hurts. He polited his way out of nagging about pacing and into more stamina building. Not to even mention the endurance training for shinobi, which he should not have even attempted. He was a slippery, sly one that was certain to be popular with the old ladies, she would know.
"I'm fine," he assured, but the flush on his beautiful face and the quick breaths he was taking told a whole different story.
"Riiight," Kaede said. "Hand, please." Without a smidgeon of hesitation, he extended his hand so that she would help him rise. But, she didn't. Instead, Kaede flipped his arm palm upwards gently and grabbed onto his wrist, finding his pulse easily.
"Ah, n-no-" One look from her got him to not finish that complaint. He stayed still, looking down at the floor abashedly, like a child she'd caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"This isn't even pushing it," Kaede sighed, done with her counting. "This is what I call leaping over the line of sanity." His head jerked up, mouth opening to argue, but gods, she wouldn't fall into that honey trap of his doe eyes again. "Not even shinobi do this, so there's no excuse." His head went down again, no argument there.
"Sorry," he mumbled into his knees. Kaede steeled her patience. She would need infinite amounts of self-control and patience with this one, she'd known it from the moment he was brought into the Temple, unconscious.
"There's no need for apologies," she told him, crouching down in front of him. She let go of his hand for a brief moment to lay her basket down and then reached out, taking both of his hands into hers. "You're doing what you wish to do with your body. It's yours. You may do as you like with it."
"But I-" he began, and she shook her head.
"What I hate is that you won't take my advice as a healer, but I can't and, more importantly, won't stop you from doing as you wish." She patted his hands gently. "I wish you would take care of yourself more, treasure yourself more, because you are precious to everyone here." She could see on his sweaty face that his head was going in overdrive. He was always like that. Doing all the thinking on his own, never talking about it. But, that was fine, as well. Kaede had seen many patients in her years. Those who were saved from the brink of death and survived. Those who were saved from the brink of death and lived. Those who were saved from the brink of death and died. Perhaps she was being all too selfish to impose her desires on him, but she wanted him to be of the middle kind. She wanted him to live. "But that is my wish," she concluded. "I won't force it on you in any way or manner. I just want you to know that there are people here who genuinely care for you and your wellbeing and we would love to see you thrive." He chuckled, offering that same defensive smile he always did.
"If I'd known that some stairs would get me nagging from you, Kaede-san, I wouldn't've gone up them," he said, and then seemed appalled by what had come out of his mouth. Kaede couldn't help it. She laughed.
"Snarky when pushed into a corner," she patted his hands lovingly and took her basket up and stood. "That's the first sign of recovery." She offered her hand to him and he took it, struggling for a moment to get up.
"Being pushed into a corner?" He asked, breathless.
"Fighting out of the corner you're pushed into," Kaede told him with a knowing smile. She had a feeling that the flush on his face that spread had nothing to do with him overworking his recovery exercise, but more so with the fact that she'd finally managed to push past his defense wall of politeness. She didn't mind it one bit though. She welcomed the fight. "I'm looking forward to hearing more bite to that shinobi bark," she teased, leaving him behind. If he chose to follow, that was up to him.
"There's no shinobi bark…" She heard him mutter to himself, following her though.
Kaede would probably always remember when Haku came to them. The frail body on the stretcher carried up the path by three men from the village whom Jōichirō had caught awake and able. The numerous sleepless nights of first healing to the point of exhaustion and then the ones by his bedside, reading, telling stories, just hoping that he would wake up. The first time he spoke to her, dazed and completely lost as to what had happened to him. And that was without even mentioning the beautiful person he turned out to be.
Polite, yes. Polite was one of the characteristics she'd begun to associate with his visage. But, that wasn't all. Kind, self-sacrificing, giving, generous, dedicated. All of those things explained Haku's character well. It was a new for Kaede. How someone who had been in the shinobi line of work could come out with that personality was borderline unfathomable to her. All the shinobi whom she knew, whom she'd known, they had all been… hard. Hardened. The training was the first step. The training stripped shinobi of everything that was deemed excess. Their feelings, their thoughts, their opinions. All of that was stripped away with years of watching your comrades and enemies perish. The grueling work the shinobi did made them arrogant and almost soulless. Haku had none of that. Even after remembering his life, he still retained his kindness and generosity. Kaede suspected that it was precisely those qualities that had landed him in the state he'd arrived at the Temple in.
She didn't know when she had become so invested in him. Haku was another patient, she kept reminding herself. She knew that was a lie. A blatant, giant, red lie. Haku was not another patient. Perhaps because they were close in age. Or because he reminded her of herself, all those years ago, standing in front of the Temple, teeth and feet bloody. Haku was not another patient. She didn't want to let him meander off a cliff like some of the shinobi who came to them. She was all too invested. Even Saeko-sama had reprimanded her.
"Kaede, keep your emotions out of it," the old healer had said one evening, watching her disciple prepare a special blend of herbs for the boy's tea. "He's not yours to keep or save." She'd nodded. Accepted. Understood. And yet, she still wasn't able to keep her emotions out of it. She cared for him more than how a healer should care for her patient. The carefully drawn line had been crossed. When, Kaede didn't know. She simply knew that she couldn't go back. She was invested.
She wished that they had met under different circumstances. That she had spotted him in the market and struck up a conversation. That he'd come to study at the Temple, like she had. She wished that she was just a girl and he was just a boy and that she could be free to approach as she wanted. But, she was his healer. That was the reality. He was her patient and she was his healer. Kaede watched her words around him like a hawk. Censored her desire to order him to live. She was selfish. Selfish and lonely, for the first time, at the Temple. The arrival of Haku, and his omnipresence in every single centimeter of the Temple space, made her feel lonely. And when he left, the hole would swallow her up. And yet, she set herself up for that deep hole without any regrets.
"Reading something good?" Kaede asked, entering the room they'd allocated to the boy. His head snapped up from the tome he'd been immersed in.
"I found the first edition of Poison Remedies at the library," he told her, placing a bookmarker into the tome and closing it, carefully laying it down on the desk by the window. The room really was nothing much, like all the rest of the Temple, it was humble. Desk, wardrobe, bed. There was no need for anything else for the numerous recovery patients they had over the years. No personal belongings, just the various books Haku dragged from the library to the desk or the bed to amuse himself in his downtime. And yet, the room had some kind of a peaceful energy to it since he'd begun occupying it.
"Ah, that would be Mei-san's preference," Kaede said, walking over to the desk. She glanced at the cover nodding when she saw it. "Yes, I believe she brought this back some two or three years ago. Saeko-sama was furious because she had spent all her pay on books. Again." She shook her head.
"I understand the urge," Haku agreed with a laugh.
"Are you done with the reading for tonight? Or should I come later?" Kaede asked, pulling away from the desk. He shook his head.
"It's fine, I can continue tomorrow," he assured. "I have to rest anyways." He seemed mildly dejected by his own words. Still, Kaede was glad that he had taken her advice to heart. Since that morning's incident on the stairs, Haku had spent the majority of his day with her, helping her with the mundane medicine preparation, and she'd been careful about giving him only the tasks which required little physical strain to complete.
He stood, going towards the bed. He wasn't using his crutch any longer, but Kaede could see the slight limp in his steps and the wince when he sat down on the bed. She didn't comment on it.
"Tight?" She asked, walking over. She'd changed his bandages twice that day, applying more salve. The wound on his chest had begun healing, and it was healing well, she expected that the stitches would come out in a week or so.
"Just a little uncomfortable," he nodded, hand going up to his heart tenderly. He didn't touch the area. "The price of almost dying, I guess." He chuckled. Kaede came over to help, if necessary, but he managed on his own.
"The pain makes you certain that you're still in the land of the living," she said somberly. She could remember that time, still. The hurting of her jaw. The bruises all over her body, tender at the merest movement. The nails she'd almost ripped out, stinging with every spoonful of food. The burn of soup down her throat. The pounding of her head. "Let me know if it starts itching, alright?" He nodded and she couldn't help but reach over and step over the line again. Despite knowing that she ought to let patients do whatever they could on their own, she took the blankets and tucked him in. The smile he offered made all thoughts leave her head. This boy would be the death of her. And possibly her career. Or both. He was illegally pretty. There had to be some law that said that it was illegal to be that beautiful. On top of his personality, she just didn't know what to do with herself. But care. She cared.
"I don't want to burden you, Kaede-san," he told her in a small voice when he was all settled in. "I ought to try dealing with these… issues on my own." She didn't comment on how he avoided the word 'nightmares'. She frowned.
"Alright." She didn't know if it was because she was worried as Kaede or as a healer that she felt down about that statement. "Sweet dreams," Kaede said with a small smile. She'd been coming to his room, sharing his bed as his own personal calming medicine for the past few months. Even when she laid down for a nap in her own room it seemed cold and empty. She'd gotten used to him snuggling into her in the night and she'd gotten used to waking up in a completely different position, clutched in his arms at chest level like the most precious thing in the world in the morning. Sleeping alone at this point seemed a lonely notion. How had she lived before he arrived?
"B-but," his hand shot out from under the covers and grabbed the edge of her sleeve when she turned to shut off the lights and leave. "I-if I happen to- I mean- If-" Kaede caught his hand with hers, gently patting it.
"I'm at your disposal," she told him softly. "Any time you need me, you're free to seek me out." He looked much younger than he was, less battle-hardened, without any of those tall walls of politeness he'd built, when he offered her a weak smile. Like a scared child.
"Thank you." He didn't let go of her hand. "Could you leave the lights on, please?" Kaede nodded. She gently bent down, caressing the hair away from his forehead and patting his head. He seemed to lean into her touch.
"Try to get some rest," she told him. "It's just as important as exercise." He hummed in agreement, already nodding off against her touch. She tucked his hand still holding onto hers under the covers and then slowly moved away, quietly leaving his room. When the door closed behind her, she stopped, stared down the empty hallway and sighed. "What in the holy hells are you doing?" She muttered to herself. Getting her futon out and crawling into it in her own room was too tedious and too lonesome that evening.
"Kaede-san," she was being shaken awake gently. Kaede turned to the other side, not really wanting to be bothered when she'd finally managed to fall asleep after hours of twisting and turning in her comfortable futon. Her very empty and comfortable futon. "Kaede-san, I'm sorry to be a bother. Please. Please wake up." That was some serious pleading, and in that one of voice, it was definitely not Saeko-sama. That woman slapped her awake with a pillow. "Please." That was such a lonely and devastated sounding plea. It tore her from the blissfulness of sleep.
"What kind of wound? Location? How much blood?" She shot up in the futon, already half-way out of it. She blinked twice, realizing it was dark. "What's the status of the patient?" She turned around, squinting in the darkness to see if it was an emergency. There was only need to wake her if there was an emergency.
"I'm so sorry, Kaede-san," the soft voice came from her left and she managed to spot the shape next to her futon. She recognized the voice. Haku was huddled by her feet, hugging himself in the darkness. "I'm so sorry to be a bother," he repeated, sounding positively broken and all too close to tears. "I can't get out of the hole." Kaede's brain finally kicked in. She remembered how Master Jōichirō had explained the state he'd found the boy in. Crawled out of his own grave and passed out by the side of the road. He must've been having nightmares about that. He had never told her the details of his night terrors, but she'd suspected. Either it was something from his past that had been plaguing him or something related to his near-death experience.
"You're never a bother," her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "Didn't I tell you that I'm at your disposal, silly?" She threw her covers off with a groan. Then, she shivered. It was getting colder. With the swiftly approaching winter, nights at the Temple had begun to carry the stiff and sharp air of incoming snow. "How long have you been sitting there? Oh, good heavens, why didn't you grab a shawl? What are you going to do if you catch a cold?" She nagged, seeing him shivering by her bedside. Haku didn't seem to show any signs of moving, so she decided to be the proactive one. "Come on, we need to get you warmed up." She touched his hands gently and they were, as expected, cold as ice. Haku had always been warm to the touch, making her worried about fevers, so this was even worse. "On your feet, come on."
"I'm so sorry," he repeated, over and over, but listened to her. She got him on his feet and then went to her wardrobe, fishing out a shawl she'd gotten from Mei for her twelfth birthday. Kaede stumbled in the dark to navigate, getting back to the boy who just stood where she'd left him, still apologizing softly. She encircled him with her arms to get the shawl around him and then rubbed her hands up and down his arms to get that blood moving.
"No." At her words his head snapped up in the dark. "None of that," Kaede reprimanded. "You apologized, you woke me up, it's done. Now, no more groveling, and come. We need to get you warmed up." He nodded, reaching out and taking her hand with his cold one. Kaede let him. The grip was not painful, but tight, like he was tethering himself to reality through her. She led him out of her room and down the hallway. Then, they descended silently into the kitchen. That was where Kaede finally turned on the light, then turned around to see what was positively one of the most devastating images in her life. Haku looked broken. Not because of the tears on his face or the bags under his eyes and the redness around them, but the expression on his face. He was positively broken. Whatever he'd dreamt about had ruined him, thoroughly and completely. Kaede wanted to embrace him. To hug him and tell him that everything would be alright. That she was there for him. That she would sleep in his bed forever if it meant getting that expression never to appear on his beautiful features again. But, she couldn't. "Here," she gently guided him to stand next to the stove. "It will be warm here first." He nodded mutely.
Kaede bent down, opening the hearth under the stove and checking the firewood inside. Thankfully, Master Jōichirō had stocked the stove before going to bed. Kaede didn't fancy the idea of walking out into the back of the Temple in this weather to get firewood. She made quick work of lighting up the stove. When she was satisfied with the fire, she looked up again, to see Haku staring off into the distance, that same look on his face. The tears were gone, the paths they'd taken down his face slowly drying.
"How does some milk sound?" She asked, closing the stove door and standing. "Or hot chocolate? Tea?" He didn't reply. He was deep in it, she realized and stepped closer to him, slowly reaching out to touch the trembling hands which clutched at her shawl. He startled. "Where are you right now?" The question seemed to throw him off. Confusion took over his face.
"W-where-"
"Where are you at the moment?" He gave her a look that asked if she'd finally gone bonkers.
"K-kitchen?"
"At?"
"Shitchi Temple," he added.
"Country?"
"Land of Water."
"Today's date?"
"No idea," he replied. Then, he chuckled. "Time passes inconspicuously here." Kaede huffed, shaking her head.
"Fair enough," she replied with her own smile. "You're here," she tightened her grip on his hands. "You're right here with me. Not wherever you were dreaming you were at." He nodded again. Kaede felt immense relief at the tear-stained smile he gave her.
"Hot chocolate sounds nice," he said in a small voice. She grinned and let go of his hands to push her sleeves up.
"My specialty," she bragged. Then, Kaede turned towards the cupboards and rummaged for the ingredients and dishes she'd need. As she was laying two mugs on the counter Haku spoke up.
"What is today's date?"
"No idea," Kaede shrugged back. The laugh he gave was so genuine that it made her smile to herself brightly.
That's all for now folks!
Thanks so much for the kudos!
Chapter 4: Misunderstood
Chapter Text
I'm so grateful to AO3s FrenziedMaenad for the comment! I love hearing the input :)
Enjoy!
Chapter 4: Misunderstood
"Let them sleep." Through the haze of dreamless sleep, he recognized the voice as one he knew.
"They're both going to wreck their backs." Another voice he definitely knew. It was a woman this time, sounding rather miffed.
"Let them. They're kids." The man spoke again. He sounded calm and almost… sympathetic?
"Nonsense, it's a bad place for rest." The woman was definitely not happy with the situation.
"Looks like they had a long night." Why couldn't they have chosen a different place for the conversation?
"I bet." The woman huffed. "Based on all the screaming and then all the clanking, they definitely had a long night." There had been screaming?
"Don't you think you should deal with the screaming? Or are you teaching hands-on again?" The man sounded exasperated now.
"I can't help him with that." What were they even talking about? "He needs to overcome his shit on his own."
"Language." Indeed, language. "But, I see where you're coming from. Let's give them a few more minutes. I wanted to suggest a nice trip to the village, dear." That was followed by a long sigh.
"As long as you don't give me more work on the way, dear." Then, there was shuffling. But, he was already waking up. Finally, he got his eyes to open. Haku slowly realized what had transpired, his brain leaving the fog of sleep. Saeko-sama and Master Jōichirō had been there. There, more precisely, being the kitchen of the Temple. He tried to get up, but there was an unusual weight on him. He struggled to get his head up a bit and saw that Kaede was lying on top of him. Well, as much as their position allowed. Her head was nestled in the crook of his shoulder and her arms were wrapped around his torso. The shawl she'd gotten around him last night was placed on top of her, enveloping them both. He could see in the lazy morning sunlight that it was a plaid, pale one. Almost impossibly soft.
Kaede's face was so close to him that he could count the lashed on her cheeks. The fiery red lashes, much like her hair, delicate against her cheeks. And the small, barely visible, freckles on her cheeks. They mapped out like constellations all across her face. He hadn't noticed them before. He had never had the courage to stare at her for such a long time, and for so long, as he could now. Her mouth was small compared to her eyes, but it fit her face well. With that button nose, her round mouth was adorable. He was in deep. He was in deep.
Haku sighed, letting his head fall back down and then immediately regretted that. The thunk of his head hitting the floor had him seeing stars. He winced and then finally became aware of how stiff his body was. Saeko-sama was right, as usual. They were going to ruin their backs, sleeping in the kitchen. He could easily recall drinking hot chocolate last night, huddled in the area which was usually used for group dining. They had sat down at the table on the pillows closest to the stove, where the heating originated, as Kaede did her best to warm him up. Then, they had talked. Not about anything important, but about everything and anything. She'd asked him about the book he was reading. He'd asked about the medicine she was working on. It was easy, fulfilling conversation, which passed the time and directed the mind towards smoother topics. He didn't want to talk about his nightmares. He didn't want to think about the wet ground around him and the smell of soil everywhere. He didn't want to talk about it, because if he talked about it, he would think about it. And he wasn't ready. She never pushed him, either. He really was in deep.
He shifted his weight a bit, stretching the muscles he could without jostling the girl on top of him. While the cushions were comfortable for seating, they were definitely not meant for sleeping. He needed to get back into acupuncture. Haku wondered if they had any sets that he could use. He sure could do with a good tension release in his legs and back. After a few moments, he decided that there was no way, manner or form he could go back to sleep. Instead, he would need to either move them both to a more comfortable space, or at least move Kaede to a bed.
Slowly, Haku disentangled himself from the girl and rose to a seated position, leaving her in his lap. She sighed, but didn't wake. He considered his current state and decided that he would have to push it again. Push it and carry Kaede. After all, he was the reason that she was sleeping uncomfortably here, instead of in her room, or his. He would push through it.
"Haku?" The crackle in Kaede's voice startled him. He looked down, seeing her blearily coming to. He smiled, reaching out and brushing her hair away from her face.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," he said. She yawned, then stretched. It was possibly the most endearing thing he'd ever seen. If he could live the remainder of his life watching her yawn and stretch next to him, or even better, on top of him, he could die a happy man.
"No bother," she slowly got up into a seated position and then stretched her arms above her head, straightening her back in an arch. He was beyond in love. He was enamored with everything that she did. "We fell asleep in the kitchen," she groaned. "Of course." She giggled with a shake of her head.
"Sorry about that," he said again. She gave him a half-hearted glare.
"I don't even have the energy to nag at you for apologizing," she yawned through her sentence. "Let's go upstairs." And so easily, like it was something that she did every day, she took his hand and pulled him up with her and led them both to his room.
"Trip to the village?" Kaede asked later that day, musing. He really hoped she'd give her okay on it. He'd been cooped up for so long at the Temple, not that he disliked it, but he was on the verge on climbing the walls. Zabuza and he had always travelled. They had gone from one place to the next, never calling anything a home, really. He'd gotten used to camping outside, staying in shared accommodations, sleeping in rented rooms, living in inns. Being in bed at the Temple for months was doing him in. "I suppose it's okay, if we take plenty of breaks along the way," Kaede shrugged.
"I wouldn't want to impose," Haku immediately said, realizing that she would tag along. She waved him off.
"Nonsense," she told him. "There's always work to be done in the village." Kaede spared a glance out the window and then nodded. "Should be enough…" she mumbled to herself. Then, she let go of the writing she'd been doing and left it open, standing from the kitchen table. "Let's go."
"Now?" Haku asked, lowering his teacup. He had expected her to object. Or at least pick a different day. He definitely hadn't expected her to simply drop whatever she was doing and do as he'd asked.
"When else?" Kaede giggled. "Let me grab my supplies, you get yourself ready meantime." She paused at the steps. "And remember to bring a cane or a crutch, just in case the walking gets to be too much. There are stops on the way, but we can't always rely on them." Then, she vanished upstairs with quick steps. Haku was left dumbfounded in the kitchen.
"How are you doing?" Kaede asked for the millionth time, but he wasn't annoyed by it. In fact, he found himself rather enjoying the care that he had unexpectedly gained.
"I'm alright, still," he assured. Kaede walked in front of him, taking sure and secure steps, then would wait for him when needed. They were progressing rather slowly for his liking. She had returned with Saeko-sama's permission to go into the village and a large gyosho bako on her back, undoubtedly stacked with medicine. He had fetched a cane in the meantime and they were off. The first half an hour wasn't too bad. The road was even, paved with large slabs of stone, but then they finally got to the stairs. The steps which led up the mountain from the village were winding and not often maintained. This meant that numerous times Haku had to stop and figure out the best way to get down the step which had been damaged. Kaede would patiently wait for him. But, about two hours into the descent, Haku realized that there was a bigger problem – getting back up. He was certainly not looking forward to it and was definitely postponing the worrying.
"Let me know if your hand cramps up," Kaede instructed, waiting. When he reached her, a little out of breath, she gave him a small smile. "Welcome to the village," the healer introduced.
Haku took a deep breath, doing his best to calm down his wild heart from the descent. Then, he looked at where Kaede was motioning towards with her hand. Indeed, they were at the bottom of the mountain, where the stone steps of the Temple transformed into wooden walkways. The village wasn't much, around fifty or so houses, like boxes stacked one on top of the other, encircled in walkways made out of planks. Those walkways switched from standing on solid ground to tall wooden pillars which submerged partially into the marshes around the mountain, making the whole settlement appear as if it were standing on stilts.
"It's not much, but it's been getting larger with every passing year," Kaede explained, helping him navigate a tricky part of the walkway which had rotted away due to the dampness of the environment. "There's a main street and a bunch of alleys, so when we're going through the latter, stick close to me. It's a bit of a maze between the houses. There's also a small bay market by the docks, so we could head there first, get some lunch." Haku nodded absent-mindedly, looking at the houses they were nearing. The architecture wasn't typical for the Land of Water, but rather some kind of a cross between the native style and what he'd seen in the Land of Fire.
"Lunch sounds good," he admitted, finally paying attention to the girl next to him. She was smiling knowingly, having caught him looking around. "Sorry, I should've-"
"Nonsense," Kaede immediately waved him off. "Enjoy the trip, first and foremost," she chuckled. She led him around the walkways, the wooden planks rattling with their steps, and Haku was doing his best to remember the way, but he soon lost count of the eerily similar houses and corners. People passed them, all nodding to Kaede, and she nodded back to them politely.
"You're quite the celebrity around these parts," he remarked with a grin.
"It would be a wonder if I wasn't," she laughed. "Even if you ignore that this place is living basically off of our infamy, I caused quite the ruckus when I arrived at the Temple." That got him interested. Kaede didn't talk much about herself. She preferred to pull out stories from him about his travels or interesting missions he'd been on. Somehow, he'd indulged, not really minding talking to her about it. He didn't even mind telling her about Zabuza, which had been a sore topic since the return of his memories.
"I can't really imagine you as the hell raising type," Haku said with a smile. Kaede turned to him to give him a mischievous grin.
"I got here when I was about eleven, I think," she told him slowly. "I was a real mess back then. Knew nobody, knew nothing of the world," she paused in her talking, but continued to walk. She sighed, obviously deep in her memories.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he immediately said, the guilt of digging up a painful past settling in his stomach. Kaede waved him off again.
"I don't mind," she told him. "The past is there to learn from." She sighed again, then nodded to herself. "I had just finished getting out of a rather precarious situation with my family, so I ended up here after days of wandering aimlessly. I was like a sewer rat, more than a child. That house over there," she pointed out and Haku followed the line of her forefinger to one of the homes, the one on the second floor. "That's where baker Kana lives. She took me in first. Got a lot of criticism for it, too. I'm eternally grateful, though. She was a young woman, living on her own back then. Now she's got a nice husband and a little daughter. She married the fisherman, Kai, after he courted her for about a year. I delivered their baby."
"Should we stop by to say hi?" Haku offered, glancing at the house again and seeing a sign for baked goods up front.
"If you're in the mood for the world's best muffins, we definitely should," Kaede answered with a wide smile. "But muffins aren't really lunch…"
"Who made those rules?" He cheekily replied, mostly to see that expression of joy light up her face.
"They ought to be," giggled Kaede. "Let's see if they also have steamed buns now. Last time I was here, Kana mentioned she wanted to start steaming those and producing them, but she was having issues getting all the ingredients."
"Then buns and muffins it is," Haku agreed, falling into step with Kaede. With his cane in his left hand, it left his right one swinging with every step for balance. His palm was already hurting rather fiercely from the descent from the mountain, but he was bearing through the discomfort. Still, nothing got past Kaede. She took his right arm and looped it through her left, providing him with more support while he walked. "Sor-"
"Ah, ah," Kaede stopped his apology short with a wave of her finger. He smiled, shaking his head.
"Thanks," he amended.
"Anytime," Kaede seemed all too pleased with herself for stopping his apologies once again. With contentedness between the two of them, they walked into the bakery.
"Welcome!" The woman behind the counter called out when she heard the bell ding and then turned to see the visitors. "Kaede! How have you been darling?" She smiled so warmly that Haku could immediately tell why Kaede was fond of this woman. She was rather short and curvy, with dark brown hair tied back into a wavy ponytail. But, it was her face which really stayed in one's mind. A welcoming, almost motherly face. "And who is this?"
"Hey, Kana, I've been great!" Kaede immediately answered. "How's little Nanami been doing?" She evaded introducing him rather cleverly and gave him a pointed look when Kana started talking lovingly about her daughter. That gaze seemed to tell him to introduce himself as he wished. As the woman seated them at one of the two tables next to the counter, Haku couldn't help but fall for the healer beside him even more. Not only was she caring, but she was considerate to the point of letting him choose who he wanted to be known as to the villagers.
"Oh, Nana is just the perfect child!" Haku took off the overcoat he'd slipped on before embarking on the trip, letting it rest on the back of his chair. While it was damp and cool outside, the inside of the bakery smelled only of the goods they sold there and it was pleasantly warm. The interior, in warm wood, somehow clashed with the dingy exterior of the place. But, he could understand why. The harsh environment of the marshes was taxing on the outer layer of housing, so it was mostly standard in the area, while the inside could be adjusted based on personal taste. "She's been walking recently, well, waddling more like, and Kai is just in love with her. She's down for her nap now, but she'll be up in an hour or so. I bet she would love to see you." Then, Kana placed her hand on her mouth, as if realizing that she'd been talking too much. "Oh, look at me go on and on about my lovely baby. Tell me, what will you two darlings have? Is this a new resident at the Temple? I've heard some rumors, you know. Everyone's been talking about a startlingly handsome new healer up there and I can see that the rumors don't do you justice, love! You're positively gorgeous! Are you single?" Haku felt his face flush.
"My name is Haku," he introduced himself politely, standing to bow, which immediately got Kana to wave him down. He could see that Kaede had picked up that habit from the baker. "Thank you very much for the polite compliments," he said. Surely, he was pretty, for a boy, often being mistaken for a woman, but he wasn't that handsome to garner such a reaction. "I'm afraid I'm just a patient at the Temple." Then, he remembered the last of her questions. "Oh, and I'm single, yes."
"How lovely!" Kana nodded along. "Well, it's about time someone snatched up our Kaede, she's single, too, you know," the baker winked, making Kaede blush and quickly interject.
"No, no, Kana, we're-"
"But don't be shy about your looks, you definitely are gorgeous," Kana positively steamrolled the healer, who seemed flustered. "Shall I get you a menu? Or would you like some of those muffins you like so much? Is chocolate alright?"
"Maybe some steamed buns?" Kaede was finally heard. Haku had a feeling that Kana was one of those people, a force of nature and their own pace kind of type, where you simply went along with whatever they were in the mood for.
"Oh! You haven't tried our buns yet! Silly me, an order of buns coming right up then, darlings. In a jiffy!" Then, she vanished behind the counter again, heading for the back room, which was likely the kitchen. Haku glanced at Kaede across the table, seeing her fanning her face.
"Please ignore Kana's comments," she bashfully asked. "She's been trying to get me married for a year now." He tilted his head. He'd never asked Kaede's age, but he estimated her around his own.
"A bit too soon for marriage at your age, no?" He tried to skirt around it, but by the intensifying blush on her face, it was a direct hit.
"Fifteen's the normal age for marriage around these parts," she shrugged. "It's not that I'm against it," she quickly added. "I just haven't found the right person yet. Also, there's much more to learn at the Temple."
"Maybe someday then," he said with a smile. He found it endearing that she was looking anywhere but at him, still trying to fan her blush away.
"Maybe someday," she agreed. Then, she looked at him. "What about you? Ever thought about it?" Haku glanced down at his hands on the table. It was odd seeing his fingernails without nail polish on them.
"When I was living with-" he stopped, then cleared his throat. "Before, I didn't really think it would be possible. Now, maybe someday. Though, I'm not really marriage material," he finished off with a smile. He immediately knew that Kaede would see through it. It was more of a reflex smile, and she always saw through those.
"Why would you think you're not marriage material?" She didn't call him out, though. There was a frown on her face. "You're a looker, your personality's fine, you've got skills that can fit into almost any line of work, you're smart as a whip. What's there not to like?" He glanced back at his hands. The oddly devoid of nail polish fingernails.
"You make me sound so grand," he chuckled. He didn't want to tell her about his tendency to dress in kimonos of pastel colors. How he preferred flowers over blades. Or how he enjoyed make up and nail polish. He didn't want to tell her about those things which Zabuza had considered an infiltration asset, and hadn't really minded, because they would make him seem less masculine. He didn't want to be less masculine. He wanted to be a man in front of Kaede. "I'm nothing special." But, in the end, he knew that he carried that curse in his veins, like his mother had. Marriage was out of the question. Because with marriage came children, and with children came genetics.
"I'm just saying what I'm seeing," Kaede said. He jumped a bit when she reached out and caught his hands with one of hers. "You're everything special." He met her eyes to see an incredibly gentle expression on her face. He wanted to kiss her. Just to stand up, lean over and kiss her. Just to see the expression on her face then. To see if she would blush. Or hide away. Or if she would accept his affections. He stifled the urge.
"I will defer to your better judgment," he said. But, he had to admit, some kind of a burden had been lifted with those words. Some of the weight on him had vanished.
"You do that," Kaede smiled proudly, patting his hands. She quickly retracted her fingers from his as Kana came back into the store.
"Here we go," the baker placed a tray on the edge of the table, serving from it. "One order of mixed buns, darlings. Let me know what you think." She placed a plate in the middle, piled high with steamed buns. Kaede reached over and plucked one off the top, almost dropping it when she heard the next words. "And no need to stop holding hands on my account, one hand's all you need to eat a bun," Kana giggled, walking away into the back once more. Kaede stared at Haku with wide eyes for a moment, her face gradually heating up. He was amazed how all the freckles vanished in the redness of the same color, or even greater intensity.
"I'm so sorry," she mumbled, biting into the food.
"If I'm not allowed apologies, neither are you," he shrugged, getting one of the buns for himself. Once he bit into it, he discovered it was a meat bun. The combination of flavors and textures exploded on his tongue, making him realize how hungry he'd actually been. "Besides, I don't mind the misunderstanding, if it doesn't bother you," it was out of his mouth before he could censor himself. He glanced up from the food, worried that Kaede had taken his comment as offensive. But, she was looking down at her own bun, still red-faced.
"I don't mind it either," she admitted in a low voice. Something in Haku positively soared at that. He suddenly didn't mind the weather outside, which had been giving him trouble with his wounds and breathing. He didn't mind the overly tight obi he'd tied that morning or the fact that his nails didn't have any polish on them. Nor did he mind the fact that he quite wanted to stifle the urge to paint them. He loved the little unassuming bakery in a village somewhere in the middle of nowhere with the welcoming interior and soft warm smell of fresh bread. He loved the uncomfortable wicker chair he was sitting on which dug into his thighs through the kimono. He loved the taste of the pork steamed bun, soft on the outside and savory on the inside. He loved the blushing girl sitting across from him, eating her own food. He even loved the little piece of red bean paste stuck to her cheek from how she'd bitten into her own bun. Because she didn't mind being misunderstood when it came to him.
"Kaede," he dropped all honorifics, getting her to look up, her eyes a bit wide. "If I may," and he reached out before she could answer, scooping up the bean paste from her cheek, slowly, relishing in the little gasp she gave and the way she looked nervously between his hand and his face. He didn't linger for too long, despite wanting to more than just remove the food, and pulled his fingers away from her soft skin. Then, he licked the bean paste off his thumb. "Which ones are red bean paste?"
"T-these I think," she answered, clearing her throat in the middle of the word. Haku smiled, thanking her, then picking out a second bun. He had decided that since she didn't mind, he wouldn't need to hold himself back anymore. From the looks of it, it would surely be interesting.
That's all folks!
Chapter 5: Elastic
Chapter Text
Hi all! I hope that you will enjoy this one! I had a blast writing it :D Many thanks to dearvolume12 from AO3 as well as Tainan republic, rose and Guest from FFN for the lovely reviews! They really do keep me writing :)
Warnings: Pet cruelty, PTSD, Zabuza being Zabuza and Haku being triggered by pretty much everything
Chapter 5: Elastic
Haku held his hand out, palm up, waiting. Then, he felt the cold droplet hit. It was tiny, really, nothing more than a sign of an incoming drizzle, but even a drizzle in this cool weather could spell an incoming cold. He wasn't willing to risk it. He retreated under the safety of the jutting terrace of one of the bay houses.
Kaede had indulged him well enough, before she offered an apologetic smile and said that she had to work briefly. She didn't leave him empty-handed when she went to treat the numerous awaiting citizens of the small settlement. She gave him a list of things the Temple was in need of and a pouch of money. It made him feel warm inside. Being needed in such a way, regardless of the importance of the task. He knew that Kaede had likely carefully selected what he could manage in his state and taken on the rest of the work herself. However, after sightseeing around the bay, trying the delicacies which weren't at Kana's bakery and in the end getting all of the small errands done, which was mostly picking up the seeds for the herbs they didn't have at the garden or some of the ingredients for cooking, Haku was left waiting at the meeting spot. Nestled in between two tall three-story houses, he leaned against the wall to ease the pressure off his hand on the cane and waited. His bag of ingredients was sitting safely on the ledge, dry. That was when he heard it. The soft meowing.
He followed it on impulse, really, tossing one last glance at the bag on the ledge. If it wasn't close enough, he would return for the items. But, the meowing originated quite close to where he was. Haku found a little kitten, fur muddy and glued together with grime, struggling in an abandoned fishing net. Gingerly, he reached out and sacrificed his fingers to the fierce claws and teeth to disentangle it. Soon enough, it was hissing at him from a safer distance. From the look of things, it was malnourished and rather violate.
"Be careful next time," he said softly, rising. Then, he walked back, leaning onto the cane, to his belongings. There, he stood yet again, waiting for Kaede. His mind wandered as he watched the drizzle turn into a proper downpour.
The little white rabbit. He would likely never forget that little thing. A few months ago, he wouldn't have done as he had all those years ago. He wouldn't have shown interest, but faked indifference. Zabuza had taught him that with that little white rabbit.
His mentor had never minded animals, but pets he abhorred. They were apparently a sign of weakness and a gateway into the grave. And yet, no little white rabbit had led him to his grave. Ironic. Haku hadn't been more than ten. He'd picked up that little rabbit, lost, injured and starving, on his way home from the nearby settlement. He'd kept it secret, fed it and nursed it back to health. And then, when the rabbit was well again, he'd showed it to Zabuza. Asked to keep it. His mentor had agreed all too quickly. Allowed it wholeheartedly. Allocated funds for Haku's new friend. That in itself should've been a warning sign. A tool had no need for a pet.
The little white rabbit had been but a means to an end. After months of travelling, of spending time with his new friend, Zabuza had revealed the true purpose of the animal. He'd given Haku a kunai, tied up the rabbit and asked him to kill it and prepare a stew. The little white rabbit had been a way to slaughter whatever was left of Haku's humanity. To fully transform him into the tool he needed to be. It was a gateway to killing humans.
Haku could still recall the kunai swimming in his blurry vision as he stared at his beloved pet, unable to slaughter it. Zabuza had sighed back then, leaving them both alone. Haku hadn't been able to follow that order. He hadn't. He doubted that he could even after. The following night, he asked his master to forgive him, begged more like, and then admitted that he'd given the rabbit away. He'd given it to one of the nice farmers in the village they had passed through. Zabuza had shrugged off the apology, all too nonchalant about it. That should've been another clue. But his younger self still hadn't known much about Zabuza or the world of shinobi. That evening, Zabuza had cooked them a meal. Stew. Only after eating, his master had told him what had been in the stew. Haku vomited the whole thing back up through tears. Since then, he'd had no issues killing people. But, since then, he'd also avoided animals like the plague.
A purring sound got his attention and he found the little cat snuggling against his legs, brushing left and right against his ankles.
"I'm really not the right person for this," Haku sighed, crouching down. He patted the kitten, his heart sinking at the bones he could clearly feel through the sticky fur. The little thing was barely holding on. "You should go find your mother."
"It died," a new voice remarked and Haku looked up. A woman was smoking at the window right next to where his head had been. The lady pointed to the kitten. "There's two more like it. Wandering about. Their mother got bitten by something from the marshes. Died a few weeks ago." Haku looked back down at the cat snuggling against his feet.
"Then its fate is sealed," he sighed. A few years ago, he would've gone running to purchase food for the cat. Maybe he'd have given it some clothing to provide a nest of sorts. He'd have attempted to help. But, now, he knew that it was pointless. Without a mother, at such a young age, the little thing would surely die.
"It's a pity," the woman said, expelling smoke slowly from her lungs. "But it's the way of the swamp." She nodded to him, tossed her cigarette away and then retreated back into her home, closing the window. Haku stayed there, petting the kitten for a while longer. Then, he straightened up, brushing his hands on his kimono, and gave the cat an apologetic smile.
"Run along now," he said. He wished his circumstances were different. He wished he could be so free as to offer the small thing at least a chance at survival. But, he was merely a guest at the Temple, a burden himself. He couldn't possibly provide even more attachments to the already freeloading burden. The kitten did its best to gain more attention from him, but after he didn't give it, it left. Haku sighed, leaning back against the wall of the house and closing his eyes. The pitter patter of rain soothed him. He wouldn't allow for another thing like the little white rabbit incident to reoccur. While Zabuza might not be there any longer, waiting to make another horrifying stew, he didn't trust himself enough. He didn't trust his humanity any longer. He'd been broken by that stew, no matter how much he'd assured himself that he hadn't.
Meowing caught his attention yet again. He looked down, letting out a laugh and giving in. The little cat was back, this time with reinforcements. There were three of them now, muddy and dingy, twisting around his legs desperately. Haku decided that there was no harm in indulging them while he waited.
"Alright, you win," he gave in, dropping back down into a crouch. Soon enough, the three cats were in his lap, twisting and turning for as much attention from his fingers as they could get. He lost track of time quickly. Playing with the small things on his lap, Haku didn't even notice Kaede coming over until she was right in front of him, her shadow falling over his knees.
"What have you got there?" Her voice made his head snap up. He quickly smiled, full of regret. While Kaede wasn't one to scold about such things, like Zabuza, surely she wouldn't be pleased with him playing with the animals. After all, there was a substantial risk of them carrying a disease.
"A pastime," he answered, slowly reaching for the kittens that had settled on his lap and picking two up. "I'll be ready to go momentarily." Kaede crouched in front of him, inspecting his lap.
"Cute little ones," she cooed, reaching over to pet one of the cats. "Where's their mom? They seem to be too young to be left without one." Guilt pooled into his stomach. Guilt, sympathy, sadness. All of it together in one mass.
"Dead," he said. "According to the woman living there," he pointed up at the window. Kaede frowned.
"Poor things," she said, still petting one of the kittens.
"Indeed," he agreed. "I'll just leave them here, I suppose," he managed to get the words out of his mouth and lowered the kittens onto the planks of the wooden walkway. Kaede was still frowning when he looked back at her.
"You don't want to keep them?" She asked.
"I couldn't possibly," he shook his head. "I'm already imposing at the Temple, much less to bring…" he trailed off, looking away from her. Then, Kaede's hand was on his cheek, forcing him to meet her eyes. She looked positively angry, which was a new expression for him to see on her face.
"Do you wish to keep them?" She asked.
"I-I-" he stammered.
"Well?" She asked again.
"I would if I could," he sighed, being honest. There was no use lying to her anyways.
"Why can't you?"
"Because they're additional responsibility and a bother." Kaede huffed.
"Right, because we're so busy we can't possibly handle three cats," she shook her head. "Haku, if you want these cats, you're free to bring them with you to the Temple." He balked.
"What?" Kaede smiled at him, patting his head.
"You can do what you want," she said. "Want pets? Bring them with you. I'm fond of cats. Saeko-sama doesn't mind animals. Master really doesn't care either way, he quite likes the company. I mean, they were fine with Mei raising a whole troop of poisonous things in her room, what's three cats?" Haku couldn't quite follow. He was following, yes, but the doubts were creeping in. He kept seeing the image of that accursed rabbit stew in a bowl.
"To keep them safe and help them grow, right?" He asked slowly. Kaede looked at him like he'd grown a second head.
"What else do you keep a cat for?"
"S-stew?" At that, she looked positively horrified.
"We're not that pressed for food," the face she made when she said that mirrored his thoughts on pets in food. "I'd rather eat the whole herb garden then make cat stew." Then, her hand went to her mouth. "Oh, he didn't…" Then, she sighed, her eyebrows furrowing. "Of course he did." Her hands went to his, and he felt the warmth of her skin transfer through her gloves onto his skin. "We don't practice the out-of-date barbaric shinobi breaking techniques at the Temple. You want the cats, you bring the cats, dammit." And he adored her even more, if that was possible.
"Alright," he smiled, gripping her hands right back. "I'm bringing the cats." Kaede nodded, smiling widely.
"Good," she said. "Have you named them?" He shook his head. She inspected the little things that were wriggling around their legs and purring. "I'm no vet, but it looks like you've two boys and a girl there," Kaede noted. "Think about it on the way up. We need to leave now if we're planning to make dinnertime." She pulled him up to his feet, gently by the hand and then helped him collect the little animals, keeping two in her arms and letting him take one in his free hand. "What do you reckon they eat at this age?"
"Meat?" He suggested, tilting his head. He had absolutely no idea what a kitten might eat. Cats were carnivores, though, so meat would definitely be a safe option.
"Must be some stuff on them at the library," Kaede mused, starting to walk down the alley while staying under the roofs of the houses to keep out of the rain. "We'll figure something out." Then, when they reached the final row of the houses, she opened the large umbrella he hadn't spotted in her hand. "Come on, we've got a long way up." He accepted her hand, looping his arm through hers to keep out of the rain. Slowly, they went back up the stone steps, this time joined by three new friends.
"What've you got there?" Haku winced at the new voice in the bathroom, not turning around but ducking his head down. As if physically guarding against the expected berating. He glanced at Kaede, finding her turning around and smiling up at Master Jōichirō. He wanted to tell her somehow, signal her, not to tell him that Haku had been the one to bring the cats. He wanted to escape the situation, even if it meant that the ground would open and swallow him whole. Bile rose in his throat, the taste of rabbit stew in his mouth.
"Haku found these little ones down in the village," Kaede said. "We wanna keep them." He closed his eyes, waiting. For the yelling. Or the sigh of disappointment. Or the comment about resources and responsibilities.
"Oh, they're just adorable, aren't they?" Haku almost fell onto his butt. He opened his eyes, chancing a glance up to see Jōichirō's genuinely smiling face. The Master of the Temple inspected the little squirming kittens that were getting their bath. "They seem rather scrawny. We'll have to feed 'em well. Where do you guys want to keep them?" Haku immediately spoke up.
"I'll keep them out of sight, I swear," he said, stumbling over his words. "You won't see or hear them, I promise." Jōichirō and Kaede exchanged glances, then Master's large hand fell onto Haku's head, messing up his short hair.
"Raise 'em in the kitchen if you want," the man said. "Cats are rather independent and once you teach them what is and isn't allowed, they make for good pets. I quite like them and Saeko is fond of them, too. We had a whole litter one year that we brought up from the village, but they went off to live independently after a year or so." The gentle, warm hand left his head with a final pat. "Make yourself at home, kid. You've left the warzone. Be comfortable."
"And more selfish," Kaede added, doing her best to get some stubborn grime out of one of the kitten's fur. She was squinting at it with determination, a wrinkle on her nose.
"That, too," Jōichirō laughed. "They'll need somewhere to sleep," he mused. "How about we get them started in your room? We can get a basket and some old clothes and they can stay there until they learn the layout? What do you think?" Haku nodded, dazed.
"I would like that," he replied to the expectant grin on Jōichirō's face.
"I'll go find something suitable and bring it there," he left the bathroom. "Oh, and remember to get them clean of parasites!" Master added from outside. "They need that in order to get some weight on them." And then, Haku and Kaede were left alone yet again. He turned to her, expression questioning.
"Master's got more experience with animals," she misinterpreted his question, or ignored it. Regardless, he was glad for the course she chose. "He travels a lot, so he takes care of everything he finds along the way, animals and humans alike."
"Are you certain that they won't be a bother?" Haku couldn't help himself. He doubted the warm feeling which had been spreading through his body, similar to the warmth of the Temple as soon as they had entered. He always doubted that feeling. Kaede reached over and patted his hand with her own, very much the same as his, soap-soaked one.
"You haven't seen abnormal pets," she sighed. "Mei is fond of venomous and poisonous things. She has raised a whole bunch of them in her room throughout the years." Kaede shook her head. "I remember one time when she forgot to close the environment for her scorpions and they got all over the Temple and caused quite a bit of chaos with the patients staying there." Haku raised an eyebrow.
"Scorpions?"
"She thinks they're cute," Kaede sighed, shaking her head again. "I fail to see their charm points." With a shrug, she gently bathed the kitten in her hands free of bubbles and then picked it up, reaching for a dry towel. "Cats are much more endearing, no?"
"Yeah," he agreed absent-mindedly, washing his kitten clean of bubbles, too. Something deep inside him, which he'd locked away a long time ago, had sprung free. He'd thought it broken. But, it had been more like a rubber band, stretched as far as it could go and buried as deep as it could be. But, within the healing Shitchi Temple, like the rest of him, it had begun to mend and ease back into its rightful place. He felt, yet again, that he might walk out of the Temple as more human than he'd come into it.
"They look mighty cozy," Kaede giggled, watching the basket of bathed, fed and snoozing kittens next to Haku's bed. Jōichirō had prepared a wicker basket for them, wide and comfortable for three grown cats, and he'd padded it with soft clothing. He'd even tossed in a ball of yarn there, just in case. Haku had picked the spot for the bed, which had been left on his desk. He'd chosen to leave the kittens to sleep almost right next to his pillow, by the nightstand that usually held the books he was reading through. Now, seated on his bed, he could touch the cats with his foot easily. And, he only had to reach out to get to them with his hands. He felt pleasantly warm.
"They really do," he agreed. Kaede sat down next to him on the bed and reached into her kimono. She extended something out to him, gently tapping his hand with the cool, smooth surface. Haku glanced down, then to her with wide eyes. "Kaede-san, wha-"
"I'd rather you go back to dropping all honorifics, like before," she teased him. "Thought we'd gotten closer than that." He felt his face heat up. "I saw you looking at this rather longingly. Do you have any experience with acupuncture?" He opened his palm when she didn't move the small, red box away from his hands. Kaede gave it to him.
"Plenty," he admitted. "Z-" his voice cracked. "My mentor required me to be capable of… disposing of someone in an inconspicuous manner," he settled on saying. How could he tell her that he'd been trained as an assassin? How could he tell this gentle soul that he'd used his skills numerous times without remorse? How could he tell her that his hands were blood-stained in all the wrong ways? "It felt nostalgic seeing the kit." He was dirty. He was beyond dirty. His blood was dirty. And his hands were dirty with blood. And Kaede… Kaede was not. Her hands were bloody from saving people.
"Well," Kaede smiled. "We do lack a good acupuncturist at the Temple," she emphasized. "If you ever feel like getting back into it, I have this awful kink in my back that could definitely use some treatment." She stretched her arms above her head so far that Haku heard a small pop in her back before she sighed in relief and fell back onto his bed. "No pressure, though," Kaede added from her new position. "You're free to do as you like."
"Would it be helpful?" Haku leaned back on one hand, still not daring to open the acupuncture kit and peer inside. He was afraid, really. He was terrified. Terrified that he would see the needles and remember all the times he'd used them before. He didn't want to face that. But, for Kaede, he would. To be useful to her, he would. "Would I be useful if I took on acupuncture here?" She saw right through him, of course.
"None of that," she scolded gently from her position on the bed. She caught his eye, that green gaze making his body feel warm. "If you pick that up here, you do it because you like it, not because anyone else says you should. If you don't want to, that's fine, too." He opened the kit. The contents were in order. Definitely hadn't been used, by the looks of it. Or, it had been meticulously maintained. The red velvet cushion housed the needles and other necessary equipment for acupuncture. He traced his fingers over the soft surface. No memories flashed before his eyes. He closed the box and placed it on the nightstand. Did he want to practice acupuncture again? He didn't know. He didn't know anything. He felt like he was freefalling with all of these choices placed before him. He felt lost. Drifting and there was no shore in sight.
"Can you give me an order?" He asked in a small voice. "Please, Kaede-san, can you just give me an order. I will fulfill it regardless of what you tell me to do. I promise, I will follow it well." Kaede rose from her position and her hand reached out and grasped the one he'd closed the kit with. He turned to her, hoping for some kind of guidance. But, she was simply smiling gently at him.
"It's hard, isn't it?" She said more than asked. "You feel lost when you lose the chain of command. You feel like you've got no purpose. You feel like there's nothing tethering you to reality." He nodded, mutely. "That's okay. It will go away. Find what you like. Decide what you liked doing. If there's nothing in your past that you liked, discover something new. Try everything. You will find something," she told him. "And when you find what you're passionate about, don't let it go." She was patting his hand so gently that he almost broke down crying again. "We will give you all the support that we can here, so that you can do what you want." She'd hit the nail on the head. She really had. Haku couldn't look at her. He couldn't look at her because his face would betray how lost he felt, despite her reassurances.
"I'll try," he promised in a whisper.
"Good," Kaede nodded. "Let's get you to bed." He didn't protest when she helped him get into his bed. Nor did he attempt to get her to leave him alone in the bed again. He welcomed the fact that Kaede simply turned off the light and then crawled into bed next to him, like it was the most normal thing in the world. He didn't even think before he snuggled into the safety of her warm embrace, where his nightmares couldn't chase him down. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, careful not to agitate his wounds. "Sweet dreams," she told him, in that crackly voice reminiscent of a fireplace. Like a warm hearth of a home.
"I wish you sweeter ones," he responded honestly, already slowly sinking into the land of dreams. But, he didn't lose consciousness right away, like he did on most nights. He managed to stay awake long enough to hear her breathing even out to the accompanying purring of the kittens next to the bed. The warmth of her body combined with the softness of the bed beckoned him to sleep. He was terrified. Terrified of the darkness both when he closed or opened his eyes. Because that darkness was the first step to the pit which tasted and smelled of earth. But nothing smelled of earth. The fresh sheets on his bed smelled of sunshine and fabric softener. Kaede smelled of herbs. His room smelled of paper and wood. There was no earth around him, only the warm embrace of the woman he was hopelessly in love with. Secretly and hopelessly. He surrendered to that feeling, deciding to enjoy whatever scraps of affection she would give before she discovered his inappropriate thoughts.
That's all folks!
Chapter 6: Sustenance
Chapter Text
Many thanks to everyone who has reached out over this story!
In all honesty, thinking back to when I started even considering writing this, I knew that it would be for a select few readers… after all, Haku wasn't all that popular of a character. However, I'm glad to be able to receive some feedback and I'm happy that there are people enjoying the writing :D Haku is such a precious baby and I'm having so much fun exploring his character!
Special thanks to FrenziedMaenad, victoriash and dearvolume12 from AO3 and Tainan republic from FFN for the lovely, lovely comments which made me write like a beast :D
Without further ado, enjoy!
Chapter 6: Sustenance
Zabuza had never complained when it came to cooking. It didn't matter if the man was eating bark off trees when there was no alternative or a three course meal at an inn after payment came. Zabuza had simply taken food as a necessity to survival, rather than an enjoyable activity. Food preparation was much the same. Toss whatever you can into the pot and be done with it. Grill whatever's available and fill your stomach. Get something into your belly so that it doesn't growl while you're on mission, lest you be discovered. Sustenance. Pure, simple and easy, only sustenance.
So, Haku didn't know if he was a good cook. He knew that Kaede was. And that Saeko-sama was. He could still recall thinking that the soup he'd had after he'd awoken at the Temple was the food of heavens. Only after discovering more delicacies that the two women prepared at their small kitchen stove did he realize that the soup hadn't been anything much, like Kaede had told him. But, the soup had been everything. He'd asked later and learned that it had been simmered beef ribs, spring onion, carrots, potatoes cut into small cubes and goat cheese. Kaede had taught it to him. It was surprisingly simple to make and the goat cheese did most of the work when it came to flavor, really. Still, it was one of the best things he'd ever eaten.
But, whether he could cook something delicious, like Kaede could, or if he was inept, was still up for debate. He appreciated the young healer trying. Once he'd expressed his interest in culinary arts, she'd done her best to tell him how she cooked. There was still a bit of a gap when it came to understanding and doing. He could follow the recipe well enough. But it was her description of 'what tastes good with what' that he was having trouble with. He didn't know if it was all those years of eating, quite frankly, trash or Zabuza's relationship with food that had completely obliterated his 'food sense'. Or perhaps he'd never had one from the beginning. Recipes were safe. They were like orders. He followed them without thinking much. No decisions to be made there.
"'Morning," Kaede greeted, entering the kitchen. Haku glanced at the pot, checking that it wasn't simmering yet, and turned around to greet her.
"Good morning," he smiled. She was beautiful today, as well. Kaede wore kimonos with autumn colors, which would ordinarily clash with a hair color such as hers. But, the red embroidery of leaves on the edges of her kimono only further accented her hair and made her look positively ethereal. Not that she was ever anything but beautiful to him. He'd seen many women in his years. Cunning, stunning kunoichi, deadly as they come. Tall, curvy, with sensual beauty marks on the sides of their lips or eyes. Zabuza had given him the talk after one encounter with such a woman. Told him that women were nothing but trouble, especially kunoichi. Vipers dressed as butterflies. Venom wrapped in silk. Haku wasn't sure what to think, really. His orders had been to stay away from women, especially if they approached him first. But, Kaede was different. Kaede was always the exception. She wasn't sexy, like the kunoichi he'd met. She wasn't attractive in the conventional sense, like many of the women he'd encountered at various inns. She was simply and utterly beautiful. What was it that made her so, he didn't know. He could start listing everything he found enticing and stay listing for hours on end. Kaede was simply Kaede. She was whom he adored. "Did you sleep well?" He said, instead of everything else that had gone through his head.
"My back has been killing me," she admitted, her hand going behind to gently pat a sore spot with the back of her fist. "Are you cooking?" She came over, curiously bending forward to see what he was doing at the stove. Haku immediately felt his cheeks heat up and it had nothing to do with the stove. He fumbled with the ladle which had been secure in his hand seconds ago.
"I- I tried following the recipe," he admitted, dunking the ladle into the soup so that it wouldn't fall from his fingers. Kaede grinned.
"I'm sure you've got it," she didn't offer to help him. Instead, she retreated towards the cupboards and pulled out a mug. "Do you want me to do some of the prep work?"
"Like?" He tilted his head, the question catching him off-guard.
"Cut some stuff, wash, peel?" Kaede offered, walking around him to the stove. She pushed the pot to the side a bit to put a smaller one next to it. The one they usually used for tea for two people at the most.
"Ah, I-" he looked back at the soup recipe. "I don't know." Kaede giggled.
"You let me know when you figure it out," she said, grabbing tea leaves and preparing her cup. "You want some?" He shook his head. He really should've thought a little bit more before diving into the whole cooking thing. The only thing that he knew that he would do was make that soup. What does one eat with soup even? He glanced back at Kaede. She was humming to herself, spooning the tea leaves into her mug.
"What does one eat with soup?" Haku asked, getting the girl to glance back at him with a smile.
"Depends on the soup," she said. There was no annoyance or patronization in her tone. She was simply answering. "If there's meat in it, maybe some salad, rice is always good, steamed buns are great. If it's vegetable soup, perhaps fish or vegetables."
"I'm making the goat cheese one," he told her. "The one with beef."
"Then maybe rice and we could fish out some of the meat and make that into a side dish?" He nodded. Kaede showed him where the rice was. She told him how much to put in how much water and when it was done how to cover it and get it fluffy. She explained that it was different if he was making rice only or if he was making sushi or onigiri. She told him how to check if meat was ready in the soup. She told him everything that he would need to make the meal on his own. "What did you usually eat while not on missions?" She asked at the end of her explanation, now stirring her tea. She'd added a spoonful of honey. She liked her tea sweet, he filed the information away.
"There wasn't any time away from missions," Haku answered. "We went from one mission to the other, and trained in between." Kaede didn't probe that. She didn't ask for more information about his life in that sense.
"What kind of food did you eat while traveling, then?" She wanted to know. Haku paused in his stirring of the pot. His thoughts flew to everything he'd tasted. He hadn't really… tasted anything. Food was a necessity. A nuisance he bothered with only to keep his body strong. It wasn't something to enjoy. He glanced at Kaede, seeing her pensive, yet eager expression. She wouldn't want to hear something like that. Then again, she wouldn't want him to lie, either.
"Anything that could satisfy the needs of my body," he answered vaguely. He couldn't contain his shock for a brief second when she giggled. "Is that a humorous reply?" She shook her head.
"Just means you've got a lot to look forward to," she grinned at him. "We're not well-equipped here to cook all sorts of delicacies, but if you choose to travel, later, when you've healed, there's so much to try." She sipped her tea. "I heard that in Sunagakure they eat lizards."
"L-lizards?"
"Yeah, it's a delicacy, apparently," she replied. "I'm not sure if I'd be able to bear it to try one. But, I think I would, just to see how it is." Haku stirred the pot again and tilted his head to the side. He'd never really considered lizards as nourishment. Zabuza had warned him off the majority of reptiles because they could contain poison.
"They're not venomous?" He asked.
"Not to my knowledge," Kaede confirmed. "But, if you want something on that side, I think that there's a city in Land of Fire that's famous for poison fish. That tradition spread to our border, as well." Haku turned to her, gaping.
"They ingest poison willingly?" He asked.
"There's a technique that removes the poison," Kaede explained. "That's why you have to be careful where you get that fish from. So that you know that the chef was skilled enough to remove it properly."
"Oh," he thought about it for a moment. "I don't think I'd be adventurous enough to venture there." Kaede giggled.
"You've been eating plenty of poisonous things here," she said with a smirk on her face. His expression must've betrayed his feelings on the topic, because she laughed. "These swamps are full of venomous and poisonous creatures. Even the majority of the plants in the mountain can be used in poison-crafting. We just know how to separate the edible ingredients from the harmful ones."
"I've become an exotic creature, it appears," Haku chuckled.
The kittens were doing well. He was more than satisfied with their progress. The female one was still quite shy and didn't wander too far from their basket. But, the two male ones had begun exploring the room. More than often, he found one of them on his bed and the other near the door. They ate well, too. Kaede had managed to find some books at the library which concerned raising young animals and they had determined their age somewhere around three weeks. That was why they alternated between bottle feeding and grinding up food for them.
Surprisingly, Saeko-sama was rather eager to interact with them. She'd come into the room often and play with the little ones, having them chase a makeshift toy made of feathers on a string. It certainly was an odd sight to see the strict healer laughing merrily with the animals. Master Jōichirō didn't visit them too frequently, but he did ask about them a lot. On the other hand, Kaede was there almost every day and she played with them and helped Haku take care of them. Seeing her being nurturing put all sorts of weird thoughts in his head. As for him, they provided a purpose and entertainment. His days, which had been filled with helping out as much as he was allowed, reading and rehabilitation were now mostly taken up by the three lively cats. And he didn't mind one bit. He'd always liked animals.
"Have you thought of names for them?" Kaede asked, seated on the floor with the female kitten in her lap, sucking furiously on the bottle of warm milk.
"I'm naming them?" Haku was bewildered. He had never named anything in his life. That was not something a shinobi tool did. He was there to serve. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Who else?" Kaede's tone of voice made him glance at her. She had her eyebrows raised, as if he'd asked something silly. "You don't want to?" He quickly backtracked.
"I want to… But… What do you name a cat?" She laughed, startling the kittens, then quickly apologized to them and patted each one.
"Whatever you'd like to name them will be fine," she said. "Just make sure you call them their names consistently, so they know you're addressing them." Haku fell silent. He knew about summons. Summons were intelligent, usually spoke the human language and aided shinobi in their jutsu. He knew a lot about those. Ordinary cats… were different. Did they even have the capacity to understand any of the human speech?
"Then," he looked from one kitten to the next. "How about Miso," he pointed to the dark brown male kitten lounging happily in the basket, belly full. "Mochi," he named the white female kitten in Kaede's lap. "And Wasabi," finally the black cat pawing at the bottle in his hands got his name. He looked up to Kaede, seeing her shocked expression. "Not good?" She shook her head, giggling.
"No, no, they're fine, but why are they all foodstuffs?" Haku was painfully aware of how hot his face got.
Haku began meditating in a more serious capacity within the next week. The flow of chakra he had previously had problems with, specifically around his heart, was slowly easing. There was still a bundle there, a carefully woven energy quite different from his. It was hot, violent, sometimes almost appearing as red in his mind, whenever he attempted to circulate it or around it. However, when undisturbed it sat like a clear, cool pool, almost steel-like, clutching at its position like a vice. He had been having problems with that one since the beginning, meaning he'd had to derail the typical daily circulations he'd done for the majority of his life.
Control was something Zabuza taught with vengeance. There were no excuses when it came to perfect control of one's chakra, especially. And Haku had been a true master when it came to delicate work like that. He'd mastered walking on water, along vertical surfaces and boosting his speed at less than ten years of age. He'd figured out how to redirect his senbon midair only a few months later. He'd practiced attaching wires to various things, senbon included, to modify speed, force and direction. And yet, during his rehabilitation, he was faced with a mess of a chakra and an even messier head. Circulating energy was focused around the heart, after all, and his heart was blocked. He'd had to forge new pathways, figure out different ways to build and mold his energy. Morning and evening meditation was unavoidable.
His three new pets enjoyed the time he spent simply sitting, appearing idle, and they jumped all over his lap, clambered onto his shoulders and attempted to entice him to play at all times. He often found them exhausted, sleeping in his lap when he came out of the intricate network inside his body, refocusing on reality. It would lead to about the same number of hours spent meditating going into petting the little things and gazing idly out the window. Not that he minded it. After meditation his mind had a tendency to be clean. Clear. Like he was completely wiped from existence and merely floated in the fabric of reality.
But, while the meditation and the post-meditation serenity did cause his reading to slow its pace, it proved immensely beneficial for his body. His stitches were out and he was walking up and down the stairs without huffing and puffing soon enough. Then, he switched to outside steps. Within a few weeks, he was already heading up the herbal garden in the dead of the night and practicing his taijutsu on his own, committing it to memory yet again. Kaede had, of course, noticed, giving him a mildly disapproving look more than once while she checked his wounds. When he'd asked, a little baffled, how she knew, she said she could feel the difference under her fingertips. It was a terrifying ability, really, in his personal opinion. Useful for a healer, but terrifying for any shinobi attempting to go undercover.
Haku gently removed the kittens from his lap, arranging them in their basket after a few long hours of meditation and stood. He fixed his kimono, pushed his hair behind his ears, which was getting rather long again, and left his room, sparing one last glance at the sleeping pets. He felt good today. His body felt lighter. Perhaps it was time to practice some of his jutsu. His control was improving at an acceptable rate.
"A request for the border again," he heard Saeko sigh as he walked into the kitchen. He glanced towards the table, seeing the old healer going through mail, smoking her kiseru. Kaede was seated opposite of her, back to him.
"Shall I go?" The girl offered. "We declined the last two requests. This could be troublesome if Hi no Kuni isn't taking their requests either." Saeko threw the paper onto one of the piles.
"We can't be everywhere at all times," the healer replied. "If you go, this place will just have me, and I'm not as young as I once was." There was a pause.
"We could wait for Mei to come back?" Kaede offered. Saeko clicked her tongue.
"I don't want that girl anywhere near my patients," she grumbled. "Sooner or later she'll be tempted again." Kaede laughed at that.
"Good evening," Haku greeted, just to be polite. They were undoubtedly aware of him lingering at the bottom of the stairs, after all.
"How's that chakra flow coming along?" Saeko asked with a knowing grin. Haku bowed his head in reply, choosing not to share his progress with the woman. He wasn't ready yet. It had to be perfect before he could declare any kind of progress, after all.
"Don't tease him too much, Saeko-sama," Kaede smiled, turning to him. She patted the seat next to her. "Tea?"
"Yes, please," Haku accepted, sitting down. "Is there a particular reason why the Temple is required to accept border town requests for medical aid?" He asked, looking at the mass of letters on the table in front of him. Kaede placed a fresh cup of tea next to them. He gratefully smiled at her and she nodded back. He sipped it. Mint. It was delicious.
"It's one of the terms of our sanctuary contract," Saeko explained. "In order to have our independence here, we are required to contribute in some form or manner to the health of the country we reside in. Sure enough, we could argue religious sanctuary, but this was easier." Haku frowned.
"But you pay taxes and you own the land already, no?" He asked.
"That's only part of the equation," Kaede told him, sifting through the letters and noting down locations and severity of damage on a separate paper. "The Mizukage would not let go of a skilled kunoichi such as Saeko-sama purely to let her live out her retirement on a remote mountain. The deal was that the Shitchi Temple would remain neutral ground, no matter who came here for healing, but instead it would provide relief to the areas which requested it."
"To the best of our capability," Saeko smirked. "I may be old, but I'm not a fool. I can't clone myself." Haku grinned and nodded at that.
"It seems reasonable enough," he agreed. "What about wartime conditions?" Saeko sighed deeply. Haku was forced to look away from Kaede's face, from the focused look in her eyes and the gentle frown on her lips as she sifted through mail, to take in the expression on the old healer's face. Saeko seemed far away in memories.
"War…" Saeko shook her head. She took a long drag from her kiseru and exhaled. "I hope we never experience something of that scale again." She was looking away, out the window, into the misty air which blocked most of the sunrays. "There are things that a human being should not be allowed to do – to think of doing – which happens in war. Which happens in systematic genocide," her eyes slid over Haku, to Kaede. Something in him sank. Did she know? Did she know how… tainted he was? Did she know that he was a living blight? That he was meant for the grave, not for breathing? "In wartime, we're much the same as with ordinary times," Saeko seemed to collect herself. She took in another lungful of smoke. "I won't allow one of mine to become a beast like I was." Her eyes held an edge to them. Like she'd seen too much to be simply explained with words. "In wartime we're free to volunteer, but our contract doesn't extend to any obligatory actions." Kaede huffed.
"We all know that we'd volunteer, though," she muttered. "You first, Saeko-sama, couldn't stand on the sidelines and watch people lose their lives due to the stupidity and greed of the ruling class." Saeko laughed, a hollow sound.
"Indeed," she agreed, with an even, almost morose tone. "Indeed, I couldn't."
"Luckily," Kaede grinned, sliding a letter towards Saeko. "There's no need for those worries at the present," she definitely lightened the mood at that. "Not to mention how grumpy you'd be without being able to access all of that smoke out in the battlefield." Saeko burst into laughter, shaking her head.
"Indeed, this old crone would probably give away the camp's position due to her addiction!" She laughed from her belly, taking the letter absent-mindedly. Then, she fixed them both with a soft glare. "Not a word about it to Jōichirō." The two politely nodded, but shared a glance full of mirth when Saeko looked at the letter in front of her. A sigh, and then, "I'll take this one." The tapped the paper in front of her.
"The Lord's son?" Kaede asked, frowning. "Surely, there are other, more urgent-"
"It's not a matter of class, but security," Saeko interrupted. "If we don't satisfy the ruling class, we'll have them on our back. Besides, going to the Lord's son means passing through a number of those areas. And nobody will say anything if an old woman is delayed a day or two," there was a spark of mischief in her eyes as she stuck the kiseru between her teeth. Kaede nodded with a huff.
"That's too much work for one healer," she noted, counting the letters in front of her according to geographical position. "You'll have at least twelve cases by the time you reach the Lord's territory, plus his heir."
"I'm not that old," Saeko grumbled. "We'll do a headcount and prep, it should be fairly straightforward." Then, she stood from the table. "This means that you're in charge while I'm away, Kaede." And before the girl could gather herself to say anything, the old healer walked away, stalking towards her beloved's reading room. Undoubtedly, they would spend some time together before she left.
Haku couldn't tear his eyes away from the spot where she'd rounded the corner. He hadn't taken the time to consider Saeko-sama's and Master Jōichirō's life. Selfishly, perhaps, he'd been so utterly focused on himself. But, now, when faced with it so plainly that it was akin to hitting a brick wall, he couldn't help but feel that twinge of sympathy and… perhaps pity? While they'd overcome one thing in their youth, her past as a kunoichi and his as a devoted monk, they'd ended up at yet another crossroads. His wanderlust tugged him away from home more than Saeko liked, certainly. Her work wrenched her from his arms when he was there, as well.
And yet, Haku couldn't help but recall when he'd seen them one morning, standing in the kitchen, her at the stove, mixing some concoction and him standing next to her, sipping tea and looking at her so lovingly that he seemed decades younger. And then, in the silence only broken by the sound of Saeko's wooden spatula, he had reached over and picked up one of the strands of her hair which had slipped her lazy bun, curled it around his age-worn, calloused fingers and placed his lips on it so softly, gently, like he was worshipping the very being of her in that lock. She'd looked up from her pot, smiling ever so softly at him, and they hadn't spoken. They had just looked at each other for a moment, before they both resumed what they had been doing, Saeko stirring her concoction, Jōichirō sipping his tea. And yet, an unspoken affection had lingered in the air so heavily that Haku stealthily turned around and went back into his room, so very careful not to disturb them. The sustenance of their relationship was obviously their deep affection for one another. The foundations on which their life worked was love. With that emotion, they overcame whatever they faced.
He glanced away from the corner of the Temple where he'd lost sight of the old healer and beheld the girl in front of him. She was quickly making a list on a piece of paper and arranging the leftover letters. Her concentration was completely on her task, only pausing in her writing to push some of her blazingly red hair behind her ear.
"I'll have to send replies then," Kaede huffed, taking a small break. "Get all of these to make the trip easier in the meantime." She looked to the pile of letters they had rejected, essentially. "We'll need supplies for Saeko-sama's trip, too. Herbs and bandages and," she looked up at him and trailed off. "Haku?" His name on her lips made his heart leap so high and so fast that he was certain in would jump out of his throat.
"Yes?" He cleared his throat right after answering, realizing that his voice had been deeper, drenched in that memory of affection of that one morning. Wishing it was him. Him and her. Her hair ablaze in the morning sun. His fingers in it. His lips on it. His eyes gazing at her with clear adoration. Worshipping. Her smiling in response. Returning his affection. He wouldn't need anything else, either. He understood Saeko and Jōichirō on a level words couldn't even begin to explain.
"Would you like to go to the village tomorrow morning, get the supplies?" Kaede asked, smiling at him. It wasn't the kind of smile he wanted. It was a smile one gave to a friend. Greedy. He was so greedy. He'd become selfish and greedy. His dirty self didn't deserve even this smile, meant for a friend. And yet, his selfishness couldn't be stopped.
"As you wish," he replied softly, smiling right back at her. There was probably something in his expression which betrayed his dirty, filthy thoughts of affectionate mornings bathed in the kitchen sunlight, because Kaede paused, but she didn't say anything about it. She simply nodded. He stifled the urge to reach out and touch her, just to make certain that she was real.
That's all folks!
Chapter 7: Sweet
Chapter Text
Welcome back! Enjoy the new chapter!
Warning: Mild inappropriate content, PTSD, Haku hating himself the poor thing
Chapter 7: Sweet
The air smelled sweet. He didn't know it at first, what had really bothered him, because the air smelling sweet shouldn't have brought that feeling of helplessness which he was used to as soon as dark, damp earthy scents surrounded him. But, the hazy visuals immediately had dread pooling in his very core, in his soul.
It was a familiar interior. A four story house in the city, made out of sturdy cedar, with a hint of that natural smell, like deep forest and a citrusy undertone, which could still be felt underneath all the sweet smoke and perfume. Sheer, solid-colored drapes hung all over the walls, the doors, the beds, creating this feeling of ethereal existence which he wasn't a part of. The illusion of another world. The room was small, but not claustrophobically so. The dim lighting didn't make it harder for him to see, at all. In fact, it was almost like he was standing in a snow-filled meadow, able to see for miles around clearly. But, the sweet smoke of various herbs and the heavily perfumed bodies and clothing made it seem like he was in a fever dream. Perhaps it had been a fever dream.
He was sitting at the foot of the futon, much like he had all those years ago, obediently still. On the bedding, there was a lithe form, the pale skin sliding in and out of those strikingly red layers of silken kimono. The woman was beautiful, objectively. There was nothing truly wrong with her. Well, nothing that a bit of nourishment and rest wouldn't be able to fix. And yet, the sight of her made his stomach churn in an uncomfortable way. Like prey being stalked by a predator. The red lips smiled at him, making him almost wince and look away. But, he couldn't. He'd been ordered not to.
Zabuza hadn't really hated women. Not, at least, that Haku knew. He hadn't preferred men, either. There was no preference to his mentor. Just a deeply ingrained reflex to distrust every single breathing organism other that himself. Other than Haku. Or, perhaps, that too had been an illusion. Retrospectively, he wondered if his mentor had held deep mistrust and hatred for him, as well, somewhere buried in his heart. Then, his final actions in this world would've made even less sense than they already did. Why would he have sacrificed his final breath of chakra for a being he abhorred? Why would he have left Haku to brave the world in his place? He had to have loved him, at least a bit. Perhaps love was too strong of a word. Perhaps Zabuza had held some affection towards him. Like an amusing animal at his side, a shinobi summon. Or perhaps he'd held some feeling towards him like he had towards that blade of his, the one he'd always been so proud of.
A soft moan came from the woman on the futon, completely under Zabuza's control, pulling Haku away from his musings. His mentor had the woman on her back, pressed against his front, while his hands lazily explored the smooth flesh at his disposal. The kimono-dress, or whatever it was supposed to be, barely covered anything. It was more along the lines of that it taunted and tempted with the fact that a single quick movement could expose everything.
"Haku." It was an order. He almost sighed, loving and hating himself for his joy at the sound. That sweet order he'd missed so much. And he hated himself for missing it. He was not supposed to enjoy those orders. He shouldn't be filled with relief at the sound of them. But he was. Why wasn't he supposed to enjoy them, again? The world was much clearer and simpler in his mind with that authoritative tone, telling him exactly when, what, where, how, but never why. "Don't look away," Zabuza spoke again, locking eyes with him for a brief moment. There was no need for further communication.
"It will be extra for your lover to join," the woman sighed up at his mentor, then looked back at Haku. She had something predatory about her, a gaze which promised that she would swallow him up whole. Like she was the hunter, and he the hunted. And his soul was at stake. Or something along those lines. "Though," the woman twisted, her lips painted blood red curling upwards at the ends, like a lazy cat's tail almost. A languid motion. "I don't understand why you'd have need of me with one as pretty as her at your beck and call." Her eyes moved from Zabuza, back to Haku. "Or do you prefer company?"
"This is purely educational," his mentor replied in a clipped tone. That, too, was an order. The woman didn't even skip a beat. She shrugged, relaxing back into Zabuza's battle-hardened body, relinquishing all control. His mentor's hands continued moving across the expanse of her bare skin, evoking soft sighs or giggles, depending on their position. Haku's stomach hadn't stopped clenching since the moment that woman had first laid her eyes on him. No matter how pleasant her voice at Zabuza's touch, he felt like he would puke, still. And when she'd smirked at him, at the notion of him being a part of their pleasure, he'd felt bile rise to his mouth. He didn't want to touch her. He didn't want to be touched by her. He didn't want to be in that room. No amount of sweet smelling smoke and perfume could mask the reality of her predatory disposition. He was prey and she was the predator. And everybody knew it.
"Haku." He had looked away subconsciously. The monotone of the order reminded him that they were only there for his education. He forced his eyes to return to the predator of a woman, lying sprawled on top of his master. "This is essential knowledge." Zabuza didn't even spare him a glance. He kept a watchful eye on the woman in his arms, his fingers sliding across her body, like a paintbrush on a canvas. Yet, the fact that Haku was there, the fact that his mouth was still wrapped, the fact that their mission started in a mere two days, the fact that he'd positioned their luggage by the door, all of that combined told Haku that this had nothing to do with pleasure. Perhaps it was a byproduct of the education, but this really was pure education. "Watch how she reacts to every touch." There was another order. Haku felt a sinking sensation across his whole body. His mind seemed to be floating in the ether somewhere. "Take note of the noises she makes." His fingers were absolutely frozen, contrary to his usual, warm hands. "You, spread your legs for him." The woman obeyed, putting everything on display with another tilt of her lips upwards, like a cat that had eaten the fish and was now observing the oblivious canary. And Haku was that bird. "This is what you need to remember. It will be on the test."
He didn't say a word. He didn't produce even one sound. Something in him left his body at that moment. Because he'd come to realize exactly what his next mission would entail. Yet, he observed the woman with rapt attention, watching as his mentor brought her to her peak numerous times. He sat at the edge of the futon, as instructed, his hakama oddly tight, as none of the things being done next to him were appealing in the least, disgusted at his own body. He watched his mentor enjoy his own fill of the service the brothel provided, despising every single second of his existence in the establishment. Hating his next assignment. Hating himself for being the way he was.
And then, he was awake. The darkness of the room surprised him. He didn't typically have sleepless nights at the Temple. Especially if Kaede was next to him. The warmth of her body brought him some kind of comfort, or sanctuary, he'd never experienced before. Wrapped in her arms, he was completely and unequivocally safe. As if she was some heavenly force which could protect him no matter what dream demon arose from his memories to haunt him. And yet, when he turned to his side, reaching with his eyes to spot where he could feel her warmth on his skin, she was still there. The shape of her rose and fell softly in the darkness, a lump of breathing and living flesh, her body heat and scent providing comfort even in her unconscious state.
Haku felt something slip down his cheek. He reached up with his free hand, the one which wasn't clutched in Kaede's, and wiped at his face. His fingers came back damp. The dream, the nightmare, had been so strong that his self-hatred had physically followed him into reality. He felt sick immediately. His whole body shivered and he felt bile in his throat. He didn't wait or pause or think, he threw himself up, ripping away from the girl at his side, struggling to quickly get to the bathroom. He bent over the toilet, unceremoniously vomiting up his dinner in quick bursts. His nose couldn't even detect the horrid smell of the half-digested food. Instead, all he could smell was the sweet perfume from that accursed room. All he could see was that predatory smile on lips painted red. And even worse, his body could recall the touches which had followed on the mission. His ears rang with the sounds he, himself, had produced. The results of his lesson. The test he'd passed with flying colors. He retched, his stomach empty.
"I've got you," the soft crackle of the fireplace in that familiar voice which radiated warmth and safety brought him back to reality slowly. Like finally breaking the surface during a swim in an icy lake, gasping for breath. "Get it all out," Kaede told him gently. He became aware of the fact that his hair was not in his face. Then, he registered her gentle fingers going across his scalp, centering him to reality. She was holding his hair back for him, he realized. "Just breathe," she kept gently soothing him. "Get it all out."
He wanted to cry. Just break down and cry his eyes out and become the shameful mess which he was. But he somehow managed to hold it together. He retched a few more times, focusing on the gentle fingers going through his hair, Kaede being the one to ground him, as had become his normal. He managed to calm his body, restrain the urge to vomit, but it took him shamefully long to do so. He wobbled over to the sink, letting the cold water flow and washed his face, aware of how clammy his skin had gotten. He suddenly felt physically dirty on the outside. Not just the usual feeling of being disgusting on the inside. The toilet flushed somewhere in the background, but he could barely hear it. There was a giggle in his ear. That predatory giggle, along with a harsh exhale of breath full of smoke and a deep chuckle of a man's voice.
"Haku," the fireplace called him somewhere far behind him, but he was so cold. He was freezing. And then, he was back there, in that hut, with all that blood and all that ice, and it was so cold. He was freezing. There was no meaning to anything anymore. He was back there, helpless and alone and frozen.
"Breathe," the order was hash, in an unfamiliar voice, but a very familiar tone. He obeyed it instantly. "Breathe for me," that was no order. It sounded more like a plea. "How many blue things can you see in the bathroom?" He didn't know. He wasn't in the bathroom, after all. He was sitting in the freezing snow. "I need you to focus for me," the plea again. "Haku, focus," the order was effective.
It was like he snapped out of a dream-like state. His gaze instantly rose from the white, smooth surface of the sink and focused on the reflection of the room which he could see in the mirror. It took him seconds to survey the space and recall every single detail from his memory. Zabuza had drilled that into him well. Never miss anything. Even a single little detail could mean the difference between life and death. He could recall the years of their temporary homes being systematically booby-trapped in things from obvious explosion tags, real ones, as Zabuza never played around, to barely visible wires which would trigger all sorts of pain.
"There are three blue things, twelve if you're including everything with mixed colors, and twenty-three if the outside of the door is included in the count," he replied instantly, listing them off in his head, along with their positions.
"Name them for me," the familiar crackle spoke to him. It wasn't an order, but he followed it regardless.
"Toothbrush, hand towel, obi," he listed off, eyes darting to them. "Toothpaste, shower curtain, shampoo, conditioner, hand soap, curtains, mat, pill bottle, mop," he turned around slowly, taking in the figure of his familiar beloved healer in front of him. "Nine more clothing items on the door, because I'm messy, and a little sticker on the bottom of the door which is some type of insurance I think." Kaede smiled at him softly, her face melting into that familiar look of kindness.
"Where are you right now?" She reached out and took his hand into hers and he felt as if her skin on his set him on fire. Her fingers were so hot. Or was he the one who was too cold?
"Shitchi Temple," he shot off automatically. Her smile widened into a mischievous grin.
"And what date is it today?"
"October twenty-eight, if we're past midnight," he cheekily replied back. Kaede laughed, making him giggle along. Her hand holding his was like an anchor. No matter how cold he was, how temptingly the memory of the snow beckoned him, that warm hand was home. He shamelessly gripped it. Her thumb was moving up and down his skin, caressing the back of his hand, and he was certain that she wasn't doing it consciously.
"Would you like some tea?" She softly asked, clearly gaging his reaction, though she did school her face. Haku realized that he'd seriously worried her.
"That would be lovely," he replied. "Shall I go make some?" The change on her face was so quick that he almost laughed again. Gone was that mask-like expression, the professional Kaede, and she was instantly exasperated. He was familiar with that look. It appeared when he said something that she disagreed with or did something to harm his body. She would raise an eyebrow at him, tilt her head a bit, and smile, but only with tilting one side of her lips up. Then, she huffed and Haku felt her exhale on his clammy skin.
He was thrown back into his memories yet again, but this time it wasn't violent. He recalled that one time during winter, when he'd been on the streets for quite a while already, starving. It had been time to huddle up on his own by the trashcans and settle in for the night yet again. On an empty stomach and with empty pockets, he would have to brave the freezing snow until the following day. That was when the side door of a restaurant opened next to him, exhaling warm, delicious air scented in spices and the unmistakable mouthwatering smell of fried garlic directly onto him. Out stepped a young man, perhaps in his teens or twenties, lighting a cigarette as he walked. He tossed garbage into the can next to Haku and then glanced down at the involuntary noise the boy had made. The air from that establishment had made his body recall that it wanted food. Their eyes met. Starving met overworked. And a silent understanding passed through them. Haku still wasn't sure what had made the teen leave his cigarette on a windowsill to burn out on its own. He had been so immersed in watching that small red flame destroy the white stick that he couldn't tell the passage of time. And then, the teen came back out with a tray. Haku remembered how shocked he had been, how reluctant, how apprehensive, but his body had moved before he could've stopped it. As soon as the food was presented to him he had devoured it. He had polished every single plate and bowl down to nothing, drank every drop of water and savored every second of the warmth. All the while, the teen had smoked a new cigarette next to the back door. Then, he had picked up the tray and gone back into the restaurant without a word, leaving Haku in a cloud of that savory smelling warm air.
Kaede exhaling was like that door opening. He stepped forward as if he were a moth attracted to a flame. Because he really was. Just a silly insect attracted to a flame so bright and strong that it would burn him up at a mere touch. And yet, who was he to question someone like her. Who was he to deny her the right to burn a mere inconvenience in her life. Nobody. He was tainted, dirty, nothing and nobody. And she was everything.
"Haku," her voice pulled him out of the spiraling thoughts which never led to anything good. He smiled at her. The slight wrinkle on her forehead told him that she knew it was a reflex. "How do you feel about washing up while I make us some tea? A warm bath would surely help relax you a bit, especially before some nice tea?" He nodded.
"Of course." How could he not agree with her? His skin was so clammy and he could still taste his own vomit in his mouth. Surely he was as dirty on the outside as he was on the inside right now. He should be out of her presence in such a state. And yet, he couldn't help but be selfish and want to stand right next to her. Behind her. Curl up at her feet and beg for attention. Offer his body as a stepping stool. Because he was a dirty, filthy thing and she was the bright, clean flame.
"Perfect," Kaede smiled joyfully, walking to the tub. He didn't let go of her hand, instead hobbling around behind her like a lost puppy, enjoying every single movement and sound she made. The healer set up his bath, leaving it to fill up, and poured some of the products she found on the shelf, frowning at them as she read the labels. "These are mostly fruit-scented?" She turned to him after she replaced them on the shelf.
Saeko-sama had appeared in Haku's room some months ago, as soon as he was well enough to start showering on his own, and she'd brought a large basket of bottles without labels. Then, she'd had him smell them all and pick out a number which he liked according to some kind of a system which he couldn't follow. Those had become his shower supplies, though he didn't know it at the time. It was the old healer herself who created those in her lab, focusing on health and function first and foremost, and then the scent and the feel on one's skin. In the end, Haku would've picked something more masculine if he'd known that he would end up in a situation such as this. And yet, not knowing the purpose of the bottles, he'd been honest in his preferences. His shower supplies smelled of cherries, vanilla, strawberries, raspberries and other sweet and feminine choices in cosmetics. He hated himself for his nature.
"I think we might have similar preferences when it comes to Saeko-sama's experiments." The healer giggled, pulling him once again out of his spiral of negativity. He glanced at her face quickly, or at least tried to. But, then he was captured by her smile. She seemed so happy, grinning at him, just over that small thing. That was his lovely Kaede, though. She didn't judge his weird habits. She didn't judge him at all. She simply accepted and delighted in their similarities and differences. He had doubted that it would ever be possible to love her more, and yet, he stood corrected. He loved her even more than he ever had.
"I prefer sweet scents," Haku admitted, making her giggle.
"Me too!" Kaede bent closer to him, needlessly whispering like she was telling him some kind of a national secret. "It makes me feel like I'm eating sweets, but I'm actually not." The mirth on her face made him smile. "Alright then," Kaede let go of his hand suddenly, shutting off the water, as the bath was full. "I'll let you take a little bath and I'll be back in a jiffy with some tea. How does mint sound? Or would chamomile be preferable?" She was walking about as she talked, setting up his towel and necessities on the little stool he could reach from the bath, pulling the shower curtain completely away, and so on. Haku felt something cold pierce him the moment she clapped her hands, satisfied, and then headed for the door. He had her hand in his again before he could tell his body not to move.
"Stay," Haku gripped her hand tightly. She stopped talking, reading his face for a moment. "Stay and talk to me," he whispered. She still didn't say anything. "Please." Her hand gripped his back instantly, the other one reaching over to touch his shoulder, sending bursts of warmth into his freezing body.
"Please is banned from now on," Kaede nodded, more to herself than to him. "At least with me, please and sorry are banned." He didn't catch the expression on her face. If he had, he would've been able to see very clearly the internal war the young girl was waging with herself. The battle between her own feelings on the matter and the professionalism which she was bound by. "Is your wound aching? Should I help you into the bath? Or would you prefer if I turned around and talked? Gave you some privacy?" He did spot the reddening of her cheeks, though.
"You could join me, if you'd prefer?" It was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He couldn't even censor that mischievous smile on his face at her reaction. Her skin got even redder, her ears and neck burned, more than he thought was humanly possible. Then, she glared at him with little malice, almost pouting.
"I-I see you've been studying up on your deflecting techniques," she attempted to compose herself when she spoke, but her voice trembled and her red face betrayed her nervousness. "Good to see that our library is being used for the purpose of torturing healers even at the odd hours of the morning, as it should." He laughed, recollecting the numerous stories Master Jōichirō told of Saeko-sama and Kaede, and how the former had piled work onto the latter with no remorse whatsoever, causing her to study deep into the night. Glancing at Kaede's displeased face, the shadow of the pout still present on her lips, made him laugh even harder. Then, she was giggling, too, and he was happy. He was genuinely happy.
It was a kind of joy his body had forgotten. A kind of warmth that this time did not come from the healer next to him, but from inside himself. Like drinking warm tea, almost, it spread from his heart, down his torso and all over his body, to the tips of his fingers and toes. He thought that this kind of joy, this kind of warmth, really only could come from the soul. He squeezed Kaede's hand one last time and then let go, only watching the girl in front of him. She didn't seem like an all-powerful flame at that moment. Instead, she was simply the girl who brought him joy. Immense joy. She had made him human again, a feat he'd thought impossible.
"Thank you, Kaede," he said in a low tone, appreciating the way she seemed a tad shocked and then composed herself.
"If you keep it up, I'll have to ban half of your vocabulary," the healer huffed at him, hands going to her hips. "Into the bath, off you go. I'll turn around." He waited until she was facing the wall before he began stripping.
"Feel free to ban my vocabulary as you'd like," he didn't bother censoring himself anymore. He enjoyed the blushing side of her and he wanted to see more of it. "I'll just have to disobey." Another huff left the woman.
"Cheeky, cheeky," she fired back, but he was certain that she was blushing by the way her head was ducking down. "I'll take it as a sign of increasing vitality." He'd rather that she took it as a sign of his interest. The thought was too quick in his head, and he instantly pushed it away. As much as he enjoyed flirting with the situation at hand, he was aware of reality. He was a passing character in her story. He was always a passing character. He could never hold a candle to the main lead. And for Kaede, nobody except the best, the main lead, would be good enough.
That's all for now folks!
My thanks goes out to victoriash and dearvolume12 for the lovely comments <3
oddgrl_out on Chapter 1 Tue 01 Oct 2024 01:31AM UTC
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FrenziedMaenad on Chapter 3 Wed 10 Jan 2024 04:39PM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 3 Wed 10 Jan 2024 09:59PM UTC
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dearvolume12 on Chapter 4 Sun 14 Apr 2024 10:49PM UTC
Last Edited Sun 14 Apr 2024 11:46PM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 4 Mon 15 Apr 2024 05:54AM UTC
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FrenziedMaenad on Chapter 4 Thu 18 Apr 2024 04:26AM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 4 Fri 19 Apr 2024 08:00AM UTC
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dearvolume12 on Chapter 5 Mon 15 Apr 2024 12:40PM UTC
Last Edited Mon 15 Apr 2024 01:56PM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 5 Fri 19 Apr 2024 07:58AM UTC
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victoriash on Chapter 5 Wed 17 Apr 2024 11:39AM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 5 Fri 19 Apr 2024 08:10AM UTC
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victoriash on Chapter 5 Mon 22 Apr 2024 11:49AM UTC
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FrenziedMaenad on Chapter 5 Thu 18 Apr 2024 04:38AM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 5 Fri 19 Apr 2024 08:02AM UTC
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victoriash on Chapter 6 Mon 22 Apr 2024 12:17PM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 6 Mon 20 Jan 2025 03:24PM UTC
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dearvolume12 on Chapter 6 Fri 17 Jan 2025 11:33PM UTC
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bansheehime on Chapter 6 Mon 20 Jan 2025 03:25PM UTC
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dearvolume12 on Chapter 7 Thu 30 Jan 2025 02:54AM UTC
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