Chapter Text
Tired, that's how I felt all day.
I love my work, my fans, my members.... But do they love me? I shouldn't wonder but I can't think of being appreciated.
Everything I'm doing, everything I'm sacrificing, including my health, is not repaid with either the love of the Stay or the love of my members, my family.... Can I still consider them my family?
Too much stress, too much work, too many expectations and no one to count on, how long can I continue like this?
I just keep thinking that if I left, no one would miss me, not the Stay, not my members, not even my family....
What keeps me alive is only the pain I feel every time I lock myself in the bathroom, when I see that red liquid running down my arm I feel free, nothing can make me feel something like them, not even food.
What if I make it all stop? What if I leave forever? What if the voices in my head finally went away? What would people think of me? Maybe they would label me as "The idol too weak to bear some pain" but I would never know.... Maybe it's better this way, maybe eternal darkness is better than an eternity of pain.
My eyes widen as my room door swings open causing a dull noise followed by someone's voice, "Seungmin why are you still in bed? Rehearsals start in less than an hour, hurry up and get ready!" It was Minho speaking; when I turned around, however, he had already disappeared back to the kitchen.
I got up reluctantly, my head throbbing with every movement and my vision blurred for a moment before returning, my whole body ached but this was probably because of the excessive dance practices I was sustaining, even alone, every day.
When I finally found the courage to stand up I realized how much I had been sweating during the night, as I had every time for months, and I decided to go take a nice hot shower to relax my muscles; I walked into the bathroom and what greeted me was my reflection, I was pale, thin and my eyes, once full of happiness, seemed dull, lifeless and I wondered how no one had noticed that the old me no longer existed, replaced by nothing but an empty shell incapable of feeling emotions.
I decided to ignore my image and headed for the shower, shed my suddenly seemingly suffocating clothes and plunged into the hot water that dripping from the showerhead chased away my thoughts, though briefly I was able to relax.
In fact as soon as I turned off the jet of crystalline liquid my thoughts quickly returned as they had disappeared running over me like a train, I clung to the sink to keep from falling to the floor when my vision blurred again.
Loser, useless, why are you still here?
The voices kept repeating in my mind louder and louder, I tried to resist the urge to grab the first sharp thing near where I was, but it was stronger than I was, and the more seconds passed the more the anguish rose to the point of strangulation, I lost control of my body as I reluctantly grabbed my razor blade from inside the cabinet,where it was hidden from everything and everyone, and I did so, yet another cut being created on my arm alongside those of yesterday, the day before and the day before....
I sighed as I began to feel the familiar tingling in my arm that brought me back to reality.
I regained control of my body, washed the razor blade and put it back in its previous place, disinfected the cut and waited until it stopped bleeding and then headed for my closet to get dressed, the short-sleeved shirts forgotten in a corner as I grabbed a sweatshirt and sweatpants, changed and then grabbed my ready-made bag, put my phone in it and headed for the kitchen where those I called friends were waiting for me.
When I arrived they were actually standing still watching me walk, I was astonished, usually they don't even give me a glance in the morning (which also happened during the day), what do they want from me? I wondered, why do they suddenly look at me with eyes filled with--concern? I decided not to say goodbye to them accustomed to silence as an answer and took the phone so that I would not be obliged to hold a conversation with them, which I actually always loved, I liked to express what I thought without being ashamed but now... I can't look them in the face, I can't, I don't want them to see what happened to me even though I continue, deep down, to want someone to help me.
"Aren't you having breakfast?" Felix suddenly asks, the mere thought of food sends a wave of nausea through to my body, I shake my head continuing to look at my phone, I feel everyone's eyes fixed on me, I resist the urge to run away, away from them, away from everyone.
Shouldn't they worry about you, sure it's fear and not sorrow?
Fortunately, not too long afterwards the cars arrived to take us to the company, my schedule included dance rehearsals in the morning until eleven o'clock and singing in the afternoon, although I think I would continue with dance until the beginning of the next class, so until fifteen o'clock in the afternoon.
I entered the dance room, placed my backpack on the floor and began to warm up like my classmates, and as soon as we were all ready, we got into our positions and began to dance.
The music comes muffled to my ears, I keep making mistakes, too many of them, Chan has to keep turning off the music to explain to me how to do those moves, as if I don't know, and I just look at him through the mirror nodding and pretending to be listening to what he is saying.
At the tenth time the leader has to stop the music to explain another step to me someone speaks, and that someone is Han "Come on Seungmin, it's not that hard! Why don't you try hard instead of thinking about something else?"
His words hit hard, wounding my already practically shattered heart, providing me with a twinge of emotional pain that I now feel all too often, I am trying hard, I am trying hard to make them and the Stay happy but I am not succeeding, all those hours spent alone in this room rehearsing and rehearsing the choreography until I lose my senses are not helping... Why continue?
Good for nothing.
I excuse myself by trying to push back the myriad of thoughts that are overwhelming me, I continue the lesson, fortunately without any other hiccups, to the end.
Everyone starts packing to go, everyone but me, it's something that happens more and more, there's them and then there's me, talented kids and me.
They don't want you, it's not long before they kick you out of the group.
The voices keep talking and I keep fending them off as best I can, I hear them walking away laughing with each other and then the door closes leaving me alone, again, left to my own devices; if there was another member left in my place the others would have done everything they could to take him away and help him, but what's left is me and no one will come back for me.
I resume the choreography and continuously rehearse them one after another, without a break, until before the singing lesson starts, I am extremely sweaty but I did not pass out during the extra practice and I take that as a good thing.
The singing lesson goes on perfectly, my voice is the same as always, or that's what other people think, I am so used to giving it a feeling even if I don't feel it and I excel so well that no one has noticed that actually inside me something is missing, something is broken and it is probably not possible to put it back together.
And before I can notice I am out of the classroom and on my way home.
Nobody...
The voices are starting to be muffled so I start running to the dormitory, I hope the members are not there, they can't see me like this.
When I enter the house it is silent, for a moment I hoped there was someone there who could help me but of course no one is here, no one....
I head to the kitchen to check that they are indeed all gone from the common areas and find only a note saying, "Hey Seungmin, we're out getting ice cream and will be back late afternoon!"
This is the straw that breaks the camel's back, they went out without me, as always-why? Why do they keep doing this to me, wasn't the haters enough to kill me in the profono? Why them too, my family? But can I keep calling them that?
The thoughts were too fast, I ran to the bathroom losing my bag on the way, arrived in the small room with my breathing faster than normal.
Why is the room so small? Why is everything spinning?
My breathing gets stuck, it seems air cannot reach my lungs, am I dying? I lose control of my body a second time this day, it is not clear to me what is happening, voices intensify until my ears ring, tears that I did not know were falling wet my face, and my breathing becomes, if possible, even shorter.
Useless, strange, ugly, stupid, you are of no use, no one wants you, maybe you should die, no one will come to help you, stop it....
Everything intensifies and then disappears, leaving silence, I feel something warm on my hands, I look down and see blood, too much blood, why is there nor so much? Before fear can take me comes exhaustion, I slump to the ground shaking, voices are gone, breathing has slowed, maybe too much? Tears have stopped falling leaving my cheeks dry and I no longer even feel the pain, is that good?
Tiredness increases and for the first time in a long time my mind is literally blank, it feels good.
I don't know how long I've been like this, the only things I register are a door opening or closing, I don't understand it, someone calling my name over and over, slow footsteps getting closer and closer and then a scream, maybe more than one, and someone taking me in their arms, a contact I've been craving for so long and then my name again, my name.
"Minnie please hold on, please" "Now we're here, we've got you."
Minnie, how long has it been since I heard this nickname, I miss her.
I don't know how I reacted after I heard these sentences, maybe I laughed maybe I started to cry again but nothing is clear to me, I feel that slowly I am drifting away from reality but this time in tranquility and so I let go, even if I die nobody cares anyway, this sentence maybe I thought it maybe I said it but I am confused.
You may be wondering how I got to this, well it's a long, long story but I'll tell you.
I finally feel sleep coming on, someone tries to call me, to keep me awake but no one is going to take away my peace now that I have finally achieved it and so I let my soul relax and my brain shut down and here is finally the darkness, my beloved darkness.