Chapter Text
October
The loud thump of the beat, the energetic bodies bumping into each other, the flashing lights… It was the perfect drink, intoxicating enough, sense-numbing enough for him to let loose, to spread his arms and let the waves take him on another journey. He almost didn't need the bottles of alcohol. Almost. Why rid himself of another of life's joys?
Dionysus had a point.
Kai stumbled through the crowd of rowdy teenagers, a blessed smile on his face. He was just enough drunk to still have his senses intact while being completely separated from the reality of his life outside that house.
Was there anything better than getting wasted at a high school party with your best friend?
That is, if he could only find Cole in the stormy sea of jumping and swaying bodies. There was a bottle of Jameson hidden under his jacket waiting to be finished by the two of them. Through the years Kai mastered his detective abilities to find people's stashes, this being a great and proven find for the two of them. The only shame was how little there was left. Still better than the cheap beer god knows who provided.
Kai's eyes steadily scanned the room but it was to barely any use. It was dark, the lights were flashing too fast and there were too many of their classmates. He carried on, pushing through the crowd until he got to a wall to catch his breath. His phone was dead, as it was most of the time, so that was out of the question. All he could do was hope Cole would show himself soon, his tongue was itching to get a taste of the liquor.
Pulling the bottle out, Kai rubbed his thumb over the label, the liquid inside shimmering in the light, the glass reflecting the colours shining above them. Kai looked up to search the room again. Regarding that pointless, he moved over to the glass doors – maybe he should've tried that first, Cole did tend to avoid the crowd as much as possible, he preferred to stay near like an orbiting planet rather than join the centre as the sun he was.
Kai stared outside, at the terrace, where he – and anyone, really – could see what were clearly Cole's heavenly lips being assaulted by the green-headed asshole from the 4th year. Kai stared at Cole's hands brushing through and pulling at lank hair the colour of a swamp or vomit as he pulled out the bottle to take a huge sip. If only it was bleach. Or better yet – a human eraser.
Then again, could he even be considered human?
Kai loved the sound of a match being set alight. It was the sole reason he avoided using lighters – for the pure joy of setting something on fire on his own accord. Not to mention what a stress relief it was to shake the tiny box in his pocket. He almost didn’t need cigarettes. Almost. However, that night would be too much even for the most level-headed person like Zane. If Zane was so hopelessly in love with their best friend.
Kai put the cigarette in his mouth, summoning all his will to push back the image of Cole’s lips.
Cole not being aware of anything and them staying friends despite everything was completely on Kai. But he was aware of that fact and he was content with it. Somewhat. It was, after all, his own choice not to tell Cole even a minuscule fact like how he always found men more attractive or that he was in love with him for years. It was a choice, Kai’s choice.
And of course, Kai knew Cole would eventually find someone. Cole did have crushes and he did speak about them with Kai. But the green hair made him want to spew out his whole soul.
“Ah, there you are! I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
“Yeah. Same here,” Kai replied, not bothering to take the cigarette out of his mouth for even just a second. Instead, he blew the smoke at Cole as he sat down next to him. “I had a Jameson saved for us but it’s all gone now.”
“Holy shit, you’re kidding!” Not even the astonished face could bring Kai any joy.
“Nope.” He took the empty bottle from beside him and gave it to Cole, who investigated it, his lips faintly moving as he read the label.
“Bummer,” he muttered then and put it aside.
Blowing out more smoke, Kai looked ahead into the dark bushes and rested the hand holding the cigarette on his bent knee. “Did you have fun tonight?”
“God, yes! Finally a good party again, huh? Morro definitely knows how to host.”
“So, does he also know how to suck a dick or did you two not get that far yet?” He could only see Cole through his peripheral vision but even that blur was enough for him to know his smile disappeared just as he finished talking. If anything, the heavy silence that took afterwards was a dead giveaway.
Cole shuffled and breathed, “You saw…”
“More people would’ve seen if they weren’t all busy getting wasted. You were pretty much in the open, you know? Not that hard to miss.”
“I was going to tell you.”
“Dude.” Kai slashed the night air with his arm before he stubbed out the cigarette, fed up with its uselessness. “I don’t give a fuck if you’ve been in a relationship or made out with someone and didn’t tell me – I do that all the time! But Morro? Are you fucking serious? Out of all people, him ?”
Kai finally turned to look at Cole but he just avoided his gaze and rubbed his hamstrings instead. “He’s not as bad as you think, you know?”
If it wasn’t for the sound of the party dying out behind them, Kai’s laugh would be a great disturbance to the peaceful night. Too peaceful of a night, considering the torture his mind and soul were undergoing at that very moment.
“Not that bad,” he echoed. “You can’t be serious.”
“Kai…”
“The goddamn little kids bully is not that bad ? You have to be fucking kidding me, Cole.”
“He’s not a bully anymore,” Cole argued, unable to wipe the infuriating smile off Kai’s face. “We all grew up. Everyone’s been an idiot in their own way.”
“Picking on kids from primary is being an idiot? What’s next? Paedophilia is just a hobby for old and sad, lonely men?”
Cole closed his eyes and let out a deep breath before answering, “I didn’t say that.”
“Dude.” Kai got closer, poked Cole into his chest with an index finger. “He’s going on 21 and you’re barely eighteen. The only reason he’s still stuck in this school is because he’s a fucking imbecile, incapable of finishing a goddamn high school. Ever wondered why he didn’t drop out yet?”
Cole’s expression was as unmovable as a mountain when he slowly pushed Kai’s hand away. “You don’t know him like I do. Besides, he's just barely three years older than me, that's nothing.”
“It is a goddamn huge difference when we're teenagers! No wait – just you are, he's already in his fucking twenties!” Kai took a deep breath to calm himself down. Scoffing, he turned his head away, unable to look at Cole without feeling rage burn his insides. “Go on, tell me his sob story. Did a bad man kill his puppy when he was still a child? Did they make fun of him for peeing his pants in kindergarten?”
“Why are you like this?”
“ Because !” Kai exclaimed, shooting up from his spot on the grass. He paced back and forth a little to get rid of the furious steam. “You’re making out with the creepiest, biggest arsehole in this school and now you’re defending him! Is this why you’ve been at every party he’s ever had? What do you even see in him? I mean, making a joke about him being a dick would be too easy.”
Cole got up as well and the two stood face-to-face in the dark garden, colourful lights lazily blinking at them through the glass door. They almost couldn’t hear the music at all, even when there was less noise to cover it. There weren’t even any crickets to be heard, making every silent pause exceptionally ominous.
“You’re drunk,” was all Cole said in response. No retaliation to anything Kai said. No comment, no shot back.
“No shit, I had the rest of that Jameson all to myself because someone was busy exchanging DNA with our favourite partymaker .”
“No one asked you to drink it.” Cole huffed, shook his hands and stepped closer. The kind face Kai grew alongside was gone, replaced with a frown he was used to seeing on Lou’s face rather than Cole’s. “And what’s your fucking deal anyway? Why do you care who I make out with? You’re the one who has checked off almost every girl just in our school!”
“Oh, yes, hit me with the whoreshipping , so original.”
“You’re just messing with their heads, at least I give two shits about someone’s feelings!”
“Do you really ? When you excuse all the shit he’s done to others? Sounds like you're just lying to yourself.” Kai stumbled back. It took him a second to realise it was Cole who pushed him. He felt ready to explode. “So this is what our little Cole ‘Oh god, what will daddy think?’ Brookstone grew into? Majestic, bet your mum would be fucking proud.”
Cole grabbed the collar of Kai's jacket, bringing him close. His face was covered with many shadows and maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it were the lights from inside, but Kai couldn’t recognise his best friends’ eyes anymore. He knew he misstepped by a long shot, he knew that the moment the words rolled off his tongue but he was too angry and too caught off guard to at least try and take it back.
“You should go home before you say something you’ll regret.” When Kai managed to keep his balance after Cole pushed him again, his best friend was already halfway back in the house. “Happy fucking Halloween, Kai.”
November
“Hey, Cole.” Kai leaned against one of the lockers, a strained version of ‘the classic Smith’ stretching his lips into a very awkward expression. He tried his best not to fumble too much with the strap of his backpack he was clutching. Cole shut the door of his own locker close and stared at him, not a sign of friendliness, not even in his eyes. It was worse than after any prank Kai and Jay pulled on him. “So you are still mad at me.”
“What do you want?”
“Move on like nothing happened?” Kai offered. “You were right, I was just drunk. I guess I really can’t hold my liquor, even after everything.”
“No.”
“No as in… ‘No, Kai, you're a huge idiot but that's why I love you’?”
“No as in fuck you .” And just like that, he turned around and went in the direction of their classroom. Kai hurried to catch up, which left him with little to no time to process everything.
“Dude, what the hell? I said I’m sorry like a thousand times! I texted and called all weekend but you didn’t even look at my messages! I’ll try being happy for you, even though I think your choice is pretty questionable!”
“No, Kai!” Due to how abruptly Cole stopped and turned to him, Kai almost crashed into Cole, which could’ve led to some catastrophic scenarios. But as Kai took a step back, even through the furious stare Cole was giving him, he was confident this storm would blow over like every other. That’s what friends and family do. They're all bark no bite and maybe they do bite at each other sometimes but it always blows over eventually.
“You don’t fucking get to do this! You’re never happy for me! And I’m done always taking you back after every tantrum you throw and then blame alcohol for your fucking actions! I’ve had enough.”
“What? I’ve always been happy for you, what are you talking about?”
“ Sure . Sure, you lying piece of shit, I guess I just imagined all the bitch faces you made when you thought I wasn’t looking. God! You’re so selfish, it’s actually unbelievable! No one can date anyone unless it’s you and another girl that gave in for whatever reason, is that right? Kai fucking Smith is the centre of the universe and how dare anyone else try and have a life of their own!”
“That’s not true…” Kai muttered, mad at himself for letting his voice get so weak but he was too busy maintaining the eye contact and avoiding getting smacked by one of Cole's hands as he was wildly gesturing. Another thing he wasn't as used to, Cole must've been really pissed this time. He did that.
“Shut up, I don’t want to hear it! I’m so done with your sorry arse.”
“Well, what does that mean?”
“That I’m done being your friend. You can rot in a ditch for all I care.” Having finished talking, Cole turned once again to leave the scene. However, Kai wasn’t as keen on ending the conversation there, he tried to bring Cole back by grabbing his elbow. Except all that did was earn him a right hook to the face.
“Fuck!” He could feel his own blood spill between his fingers and he could feel that they finally gained everyone’s attention. What a wonderful start to a new week and a new month. This was some nightmare fuel not even the best horror movie screenwriters could come up with. “What the fuck ?”
“I said I’m done , so piss right off.”
“You’re seriously ditching me for slime King Morro? It’s not the first of April, you know? I thought you were better than this!” There wasn’t any answer coming, as Cole fled the scene before a teacher came to settle the commotion down. And Kai kneeled in the middle of the hall, dark red blood spilling on his clothes as he watched his best friend leave his life just like that. One moment he's there, and the next he's turned the corner and disappeared.
A teacher and Nya, who somehow always knew immediately when he got himself into trouble (probably a sixth sense she adapted growing up beside him), tried to help him get the nose treated, only for Kai to use the first chance he got to escape them and run back home where he could contemplate the meaning of his existence in the safest place on Earth – underneath a blanket in his own bed.
Notes:
i thought id post this all at once but since its taking me too long once again, ill try to post what i have written while trying to put together the rest and overthink everything that's been already finished...
ill need to go over it a few times once I'm done, i am constantly on high alert for any possible mistake and imperfection, its frustrating
Chapter 2: Part #2
Summary:
The whirlpool might seem crazy... It may also appear endless.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
November
“If you don’t get out in the next five minutes, I’m leaving without you.”
Kai rolled over and grabbed his phone to look at the time, only to be met with a picture of him and Cole glaring from the screen, hurting not just his eyes. Whatever, he didn’t need to know what time it was, Nya's urgency was enough of a clue to figure out there wasn't much to spare.
His room was an emotional minefield, everywhere he looked, there was a painful reminder. Besides all the photos they took together through the years, most of his things were tied to a memory, and half of them were there only because there was a memory with Cole to be stored. And despite all the bitterness he felt, Kai couldn’t get himself to get rid of it all, or at least the cursed photos. If anything, he had to cling onto them all because no more were coming.
So much for till death do us part. So much for all the pinky promises.
More angry thuds on his door and Kai finally got out of bed. He rushed to get his hair into a somewhat normal state and threw his clothes on, picked up his backpack without checking if he had everything and ran down the stairs to meet Nya by the entrance door, eager to leave without him. He took a sandwich from her and held it in his mouth as he put on his shoes.
All the way to school, she kept glancing at him, as if he was a sick elderly ready to fall over any second. Kai didn’t mention it. He didn’t say anything at all because he could pretty much tell how such a conversation would go. He didn’t owe an explanation to anyone.
Cole asked all of his teachers to let him sit in the front rows – apparently because he couldn’t see the boards well – which left Kai double the space at his desk in the back. At least there were some benefits to the wreckage of a heart, he tried to convince himself as he sprawled across two chairs, his lonely notebook looking pathetic all by itself on the table.
It was at lunch when Cole hit the last nail in the coffin. His backpack sat in the seat reserved for Kai and none of their friends made a single attempt to make Cole free up the space. Kai stood there with his tray, scoffing at his so-called friends and family.
“So you all joined his side?” At least his own sister still looked at him – but he couldn’t be mad at her. “It’s fine, it’s not like I’m the one who assaulted the other.”
“Shut up, Kai, no one asked you to be here.”
“Oh, so sorry I dared to assume I could still eat my lunch with my friends! Not like we sat together here since first year!”
“You’re making a scene again.” Cole didn’t even spare him a glance, he just continued eating as if Kai was a mere fly disturbing his lunch. Kai huffed and tried to walk away, only to stop once again when he was just behind Cole. Lowering his voice, he spat,
“I just always assumed girls are easy but turns out guys are apparently even more desperate for some–”
“You should leave, Kai.”
He stared at Jay who finally dared to acknowledge him. He looked over everyone else at the table, no one even seeming to be conflicted, except for Nya. But the last thing Kai wanted was for her to lose friends as well, so he just scoffed again and stormed off to find himself a new seat for school lunches.
“Is this seat free?” He sat down just as the girl nodded. It was a good angle, he could stare down the damned table the whole time. Kai mindlessly took a tangerine and began peeling it, carelessly throwing the peels on his tray. Cole’s smile and laugh, even from afar, were making him want to explode and take the whole school with him. If only everything could burn to the ground and feel his pain.
“I think it was rude,” the girl spoke, which quickly snapped him back to reality. “How he punched you. I get arguments but violence is really so unnecessary to resolve issues. It's immature even for little kids.”
Kai finally looked at her properly. From black hair tied into a ponytail, over the few beads of sweat on her forehead and her lips with a new layer of lip gloss, to the dainty necklace and colourful loose sweater. Her breath was already evening out but he could still tell she must’ve just had PE.
Kai, having quick reflexes, put on his typical smile as he reached out with his hand towards her. “Kai Smith.”
“I’m aware,” she curtly replied before she took his hand and offered a sweet smile of her own. “Stacy-Lee Vuong.”
Leaning closer over the table, Kai spoke, “You are absolutely right, Stacy-Lee Vuong, violence truly is so unnecessary…”
As fast as Kai’s anger ignited, it burnt out and all that was left was heartache and melancholy. Death stares were replaced with longing looks. And instead of trashing his room, Kai spent his time lying in bed and crying himself to sleep. Another week has passed and Cole still refused to talk to Kai.
His number was probably blocked, probably has been for weeks, but that didn’t stop Kai from relentlessly texting Cole at any time of the day, especially at night. Desperate pleas to talk, to sort this out. They have been friends – best friends – for ages, does something simple like this seriously tear them apart?
Sure, it was a process, it was in the making for a while, Kai just never believed something like this could ever actually happen. Cole was so caught up in his rebellion against his father that their friendship became mere collateral damage.
He should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve seen it coming after Cole didn’t stand up for him when Morro kicked him out at the end of the school year party. And after he has been so distant all summer. People grow and apparently they grow apart too. So much has changed, he barely recognised him anymore.
Ever since they met, Kai was always the one getting into trouble and skipping school and getting bad grades and the party animal but at some point, without a single warning, their roles switched and Cole was the one sneaking out every night and causing problems everywhere he went until Kai became the voice of reason. What a twisted twist.
The goody two shoes and the bully. Who would’ve thought?
And the worst part was that it wasn’t a spontaneous make-out at a party. No, Cole seriously began dating Morro, which made Kai’s time at the school all the way more unbearable. He had to watch as they held each other in the halls and kissed on the school grounds and it made him sick and it made him furious all over again every time he thought about it.
How possibly could he?
Kai never told Cole about his feelings but it was his choice and he was content with it. He was aware of the fact that Cole would date people but he never expected their friendship to end because of another boy. Or rather a man.
Cole also ate lunch with their friends less and less and instead moved to Morro’s table, where Kai could only see his back from his new seat. His muscular back often obscured by the arm of their iceberg.
It made Kai sick to his stomach and all the food was unappetising. All he wanted was to bury himself beneath all his blankets and pillows and yet, despite all the sleep he was getting, he still felt like the zombie he saw every day in reflections everywhere.
“You look awful.” Stacy-Lee had become a great company to sulk in his heartbreak at lunches. “You know, he’s not worth you not taking care of yourself.” She put her hand on his, using her thumb to try and soothe the unsoothable. “I know the guys that hang out with Morro, they’re all a bunch of arseholes. You’re better than them by a mile.” He looked into her dark brown eyes, his lips turning up automatically at the sight of her smile.
Kai couldn’t recall the last time he kissed someone and felt something. Then again, he never kissed someone while going through a breakup with his best friend. At least the moments he spent with her hidden from the curious eyes of their peers were enough of an escape from his current gloomy life. Her hair was soft just as her lips and she used a nice perfume with a fresh scent, the hint of citrus reminding him of spring showers, and the kiwi as sweet as her laugh.
Unfortunately for him, the little moment of oblivion came to a stop as she gently pushed him away and picked up her backpack.
“We have to go, classes are starting soon.” Kai didn’t move, he just watched after her with his head leaning against the wall.
“Yeah. Enjoy your biology.”
Stacy-Lee chuckled, still holding her bag with both hands. “I’ll try my best.” Her skirt flowed and swirled as she turned around to leave. While the days were getting darker and gloomier, her wardrobe was a stark contrast to that, and she shone like a colourful star. One of the few left in Kai's night sky.
He sighed and turned around to lean his back against the wall instead. He stared at the ceiling. It was unfair towards everyone but he couldn’t drink alcohol all the time, how else was he supposed to wipe his mind blank for at least a little while? Plus, he genuinely liked her. Just not enough. Never enough.
“Hey,” came an unusually soft voice. Kai was used to hearing it when Nya was way younger. Or when things were truly bad.
She continued when he looked at her, “How are you doing?”
“Shouldn’t you be getting ready for class?” he dodged the question.
“It got cancelled. I’ve got a free period now.”
“Lucky for you. You wanna go buy ice cream or something? Maybe go get some tea? I can't stay another minute in this hellhole.”
“Kai, how long do you think you can skip school and forge our parents’ signatures before they notice? You’re gonna get us both in trouble.”
“Oh? So it’s my fault our parents can’t be bothered to spend a second with their children, is that what you’re saying?” It was to protect her, he convinced himself.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” She genuinely looked hurt. Not pissed as usual. That wasn’t the Nya he used to know. Every time he stepped out of line, she would figuratively and literally slap him back where he belonged. Not this time. So many changes in so little time. Did he enter an alternate reality where everything was the exact opposite of his normal life?
“You told me yourself we have to be careful.”
Unable to hold in his tears, Kai slid down the wall, not even bothering to hide his face. Must be another sign that this wasn’t the life he was used to living. Nya was quick to sit down beside him, offering him her shoulder without having to say a word.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do. Everything’s a mess.” Kai’s world was gone, there was no point and no strength to keep pretending to be the strong one. The shelter he so carefully built was breaking down in its seams and there was no way to stop it, so he just let it fall. What was the point? He had nothing to lose anymore.
As much as he didn’t like it, he let Nya take care of him for once. He got lost in a maze and the bushes were closing in, suffocating him, blocking any hint of light that could try and reach him.
He took so much time and care finding the perfect family for himself only to lose it in such an ephemeral moment. Like blowing out a candle. And all that was left was a little streak of smoke marking the end and the lingering smell of comfort that was going to haunt him forever despite its short lifespan.
“If it’s any consolation, Cole isn’t happier at all without you. I’d say he’s doing even worse than before, he just doesn't realise it yet.”
What does he get to mope around about? Cutting Kai off was his choice and Cole seemed content enough with it.
Notes:
i know how it looks but hey, hey, i swear to you i will update my two other fics too, trust me, 2024 is a year of finished projects. but yell at me if anything
Chapter 3: Part #3
Summary:
It was never going to be the night he confesses to Cole, whether they would have remained friends or not.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
December
Jay put two yoghurts on Kai’s tray before he sat down next to him. Despite knowing how most of his lunches went, he still glanced in the direction Kai was staring. Cole had just laughed at something and so he decided to spark up a conversation, even if Morro wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Over such a short amount of time, Kai went from a stinging nettle to a lonely puppy waiting for its owner to come home from work and nobody from their friend group could decide which was worse. All they agreed on was that the latter was an unexplored territory, making it more menacing than it probably was.
“Hey, you guys are going to the dance, right?”
When Kai didn’t respond, Stacy-Lee took it upon herself to avoid the awkward silence. “Yeah, Kai invited me just yesterday. That reminds me–” She gently patted his shoulder until he finally resurfaced from the little world he kept zoning off into.
“What?” Just then Kai noticed the cups on his tray and immediately reached for one of them.
“Do you want to go buy a dress with me? My parents gave me some money, I thought we could check out the markets nearby afterwards.”
“Sounds lovely.” He smiled before turning his attention back to the yoghurts. “Why do I have so many?”
“One from me, one from Zane,” Jay replied off-handedly, watching Kai take a bite of everything only to let it sit there idly. He was all over the place, Jay didn’t even want to know how it looked inside his mind.
“Did you know Cole never liked these? He always hated how the fruit ruined the texture. What do you reckon he does with them now? Probably doesn't take them, that would make sense I guess… But he used to give them to me…”
And there was the insight he would’ve preferred to be spared of.
“You think he's coming too? He probably is… He has that nice suit he kept raving about… Looks pretty good in it too, would be a shame to miss such a chance…” Outrambling the usual master rambler. There was no way to stop Kai from delving back into his world where there was nothing but Cole. Jay shared a look with Stacy-Lee only to see her facial expression mirror his feelings.
“What do you reckon he’s gonna do with his hair?”
Surprisingly, there weren’t many other shoppers in the store they went into, so they were able to keep one cabin all to themselves and Stacy-Lee could try on dress after dress without having to worry about anyone else.
Kai tried to give his opinion on the choices but usually, before he could even muster up a word, she was back behind the curtain, rushing to change into something else. He deemed her beautiful in most of what she tried on but he also knew the damned indecisiveness first hand. It was the same kind of pest as brain worms which would never rest until you find the right pesticide.
Rubbing his knuckles and bouncing his leg up and down and left to right, Kai waited for her to emerge once again. Once she did, he could feel his soul leave his body. It was a black dress, nothing extra, just simple beauty. But god, did it match her black hair.
“Okay, what do you think? Is the orange too much? Maybe I should’ve picked the green tie, I dunno…”
“Relax, it looks great!”
“I hope Dad shares that sentiment…”
“Who cares? It's his loss that he can't see what he has.”
“I just don’t want him to ruin this, you know? I don’t get it, why is it so hard for him to be happy for me at least once? It’s like no one’s allowed to feel anything positive when he can’t.”
“That’s why you have me! I'm the best hypeman in the world.”
“For yourself, maybe!”
“Look, look – you have to hype yourself up to get hired.”
“We’ve been friends for ages, you don’t need to get hired.”
“How else am I gonna earn my pay? Friendship won’t pay for your health insurance!”
“Sorry, all the money went into the suit, guess you gotta try elsewhere.”
“That’s fine, you can just give me fifty per cent of the suit. I'll let you decide who keeps the pants, you're the employer anyway.”
“In your dreams!”
“Kai? Are you good?” she chuckled.
Not looking away for a split second, Kai got up and walked up to her, holding her elbows, his voice low and soft like silk. “This one’s perfect.”
“You think so? I’m not really into black clothing but I guess it doesn’t look so bad.”
“You look amazing.” Kai leaned in for a kiss into which she grinned.
“I’ll take it then. But it’s kind of a shame, I would’ve killed to see you so smitten at the dance.” She held his hands but Kai quickly got out of her hold and began messing with her hair instead.
“Maybe you should try an updo, I think that would go well with it. Just guessing.”
“Hey, at least he lets you pick. And I can hang out here too, so it’s not all that bad.”
“But I don't want to pick . I don't want to do any dance, it's stupid and I look even more stupid.”
“You don't look stupid. Some of the clothes are actually pretty fancy.”
“I’m like an elephant. I'm not even ever gonna put any of this to use!”
“Well, I mean, you could have a big chance catching some nice guy, you know? A lot of people find dancing attractive. For whatever reason.”
“That’s because it's always attractive people doing it, not… me. I have the grace of a one-legged pigeon and the looks of a hog or something. And none of these things do me any justice either, I mean, make-up? Plus, no one's gonna dance tango or salsa at a school dance, everyone just sways or jumps, that's literally all you need!”
“First of all, none of that is true, you're smoking hot with the eyeshadow.”
“What do you know about that?”
“Look, any man can appreciate another man's looks even if he's… into girls or whatever.”
“Yeah, but you're my friend, of course you'd say that.”
“No, Cole, I'm your best friend, if you looked ridiculous, I would make sure you are very aware of how ridiculous you look. And you know I'm not fucking around, I've already done this many times. Look, you might not have the grace of a swan or whatever but you're not tragic either. When you don't get all inside your head, you're fabulous, actually.”
“You don't know anything about dancing.”
“All right then, enlighten me.”
“What does that mean?”
“Dance with me. God knows I could use a lesson in that. We can just do that simple slow dance thing people do? I can add it to my charm.”
“Kai… That's not…”
“Hey, as long as you're not more tragic than me, you're good, right? Come on, help a friend out, I can't step on everybody's shoes.”
“Fine… Fine. All right, come on, you put one hand on the hip, hold the other… I'll lead.”
“Obviously.”
“If you just wanted a dancing lesson, you should've asked my Dad though.”
“But this is for you , Rockhead, if you can teach someone like me something, that proves you're good!”
“You’ve always been a terrible liar, Kai.”
“Have I? I don't think so.”
“Of course you don't. Stop staring at your feet and look at me. It's all about the eye contact.”
“Or maybe you just like looking into my eyes.”
“That’s not it! You know that's how it works! If you're not gonna take this seriously–”
“Okay, okay, I'll be good! I'm actually starting to have fun, it's just weird without any music, how about you put your spectacular voice to use?”
“You are unbelievable.”
Kai was fast to drop his cigarette and put it out at the sight of an oncoming car, assuming his girlfriend was going to be in it, only to watch somebody else exit the vehicle and walk past him. Clutching his arms close to his body, he wondered why was he so cold, and whether the shaking came from it or if there was another reason behind it. Last time he checked, it wasn’t even supposed to get near or drop below zero.
There was absolutely no way he was shaking from some kind of stress or nervousness. What was there to worry about? He was going to have a fun, nice evening alongside his wonderful Stacy-Lee and his friends. Tonight was a night of holiday joy, so no thoughts about Cole were allowed whatsoever. And that was the last thought about Cole he was allowed for the evening. He was just going to think about how much he likes Stacy. His Stace. His Lee. The girl who was by his side, calling for his attention..
Kai turned around as if caught doing something forbidden. He needed to relax his posture and stop annihilating the fag with his shoe, there was barely anything left from it anyway. “Hey– Hey, I thought your dad was driving you here?”
“He was but I asked him to drop me off earlier..”
“Why?” Kai asked further as he locked their arms and led her to the school.
“You know, just didn’t want to listen to the typical fatherly stuff. ‘ Me and that boy of yours will need to have a talk ’ that sort.”
Laughing at her imitation, Kai opened the door for her, allowing for the ruckus to reach their ears. The place which was usually bustling with schoolbells and rushing students was now filled with chatter of a different kind. This early on, they had a chance to witness the best performance of the night – teachers trying to get the mics and reproductors to work.
“You look really great, by the way. Did you buy that dress by yourself?”
“ Actually , I had a very handsome and thoughtful assistant.”
“ Ooh , do I know him by any chance?”
“Maybe.” Her nose scrunched up a little as she smiled up at him before pecking his lips. “Let’s go find the others.” Roles reversed, it was now Stacy-Lee who led the way. It wasn’t difficult to find Nya and Jay, as Jay was helping the teachers get the microphone to work. Nya was watching in amusement as he tried not to lose his composure in front of the authorities . Judging by his almost snow-white lips, it must have been quite the challenge.
“What’s the score?” Kai attempted at a joking tone to get back into his good old shoes. Tonight was about feeling light and elevated but something was weighing him down no matter how hard he tried to only allow happy thoughts in his mind.
“I think he’s seconds away from exploding like an overcharged battery,” Nya joked back, uncrossing her arms.
“Jeez, he doesn’t get this red in the face even when he talks to you.” She spared him a glance, almost challenging him to try further but then turned to Stacy-Lee to greet her.
“You look so pretty, I didn’t expect you to go with black but it really suits you.”
“Thank you.” Stacy-Lee’s smile was like a beacon in the night. “Kai helped me pick. I would’ve probably spent hours trying to decide between this purple and orange one and, oh , they had this green one that looked wonderful too…”
“Kai helped you pick, huh?” Nya commented, shooting another strange look her brother’s way, who just shrugged as if he had no idea what her eyes were trying to imply.
“Yeah, he does have great fashion sense.”
“Well, when you have to be in a boring place like this school, you gotta add some flare to it to stay sane, right?” Despite being a great multitasker, Kai found himself struggling as he tried to keep the friendly conversation going while simultaneously arguing with his sister through their stares.
Unbeknownst to them, Stacy-Lee did watch in confusion their strange exchange of frantic, poorly hidden gestures and pointed looks and tried to switch the subject, hoping to stay in the loop.
“So, Pixal’s coming too?”
“Who?” Kai could only shrug under their confusing frowns. Then Jay joined them, almost taking Kai down with himself as he used him for support, letting out an exasperated whine.
“Save me.”
“Save me . Why are they staring at me like that?”
Nya’s eye-roll could be considered audible. “He talks about her all the time.”
“Are you guys talking about Pixal?” Jay leaned in more, almost hanging from Kai’s neck. “Yeah, there’s no way he pulled the Pixal Borg, the daughter of the Borg, the –”
Finally managing to get himself out of Jay’s hold, Kai snapped, “Yeah, we get it, Jay. Zane has more game than you, that’s not any news.”
“Say what you want, but I’ve got plenty of games I’m not gonna let you play anymore.”
Not too long after, Zane arrived hand in hand with his new girlfriend Pixal, who managed to fit into their group right away, as if she had always been part of it. With the two latecomers, their circle was as full as it could be. Kai was surrounded by his friends and it was great because everyone he loved was there and he could relax and enjoy the night. It was still early but some music was already starting to play from the speakers while the band set up.
Some chatter got obscured by the music, some went silent as the students occupied the food court or went to dance. Too nervous to look around but too restless to stay in place, Kai’s eyes kept darting around. If he was looking around fast, there was no risk of spotting anyone he did not want to, everything would just be a blur.
Somehow he managed to give his friends and girlfriend enough attention, while being busy with his stupid mind. He really didn’t want to think about Cole, he really wanted to just go on and have fun with his friend but the lack of his presence was too much of an eye sore. While he was the quietest one of them, he left a huge hole after himself. He was their glue, in a way, and his quick wit was a loss as well. Kai could imagine what he would say and each time it popped up in Kai’s head, he had to really try not to grimace.
Cole was in the past. You gain friends, you lose friends, that’s how life always worked, it wasn’t anything new, so why was it so difficult? It was unfair towards the others, who he wasn’t even listening to anymore because he was too busy trying to mentally slap himself to get back to normal. It simply was not meant to be, if they didn’t stop now, they would most likely part ways after school. In a way, this was better. Get it over with before there’s even more to lose.
In need to reset his mind, Kai found an excuse in his empty cup and went to refill his and Jay’s drinks (thank god he asked, now Kai had more alibi to stall). Somehow he was parched while his cup was dry like a desert, which left him pondering whether he even had something in it to begin with or if he had been carrying around a cup like an extra shooting a movie.
There, in his chest pocket, was a remedy for his thirst and weakening mind shield – a flask filled with some rum that was catching dust in their cupboard since their mother last tried baking something for Christmas. He just needed a little sip–
Which wouldn’t have been a problem, had his sister not been a nosy little prat. It was on him, he should have known she would follow him. Was he really such an open book?
She snatched the flask from him just as he raised it to his lips. In her eyes, he could see the craving to slap and punch some sense into him. And she worked on fulfilling it, slapping the back of his head in a motherly fashion.
“ What are you doing ? Right under the teachers’ noses!”
“Well, no one was going to pay any attention until you made sure the whole school hears!”
“You’re unbelievable.”
“That’s what everyone says.” Nya poked (stabbed would've been a more accurate word to describe the pain he went through) Kai into his chest, burning him to a crisp with her eyes.
“Don’t you think that maybe you should have an overdue conversation with a certain someone?”
“Why would I talk to Cole?” Kai asked, leaning in as if a closer look at his sister would bring the answers. Her eyes were too blinding with the Smith fury. At times, he was sure she possessed some telepathical powers.
“Stacy. Your girlfriend , idiot!”
“Well, why would I need to talk to her? We just talked a few seconds ago, remember? She said my hair is weird when it's this neat and then ruffled it ‘back to normal.’”
She let out an exasperated sigh. “Are you really stupid or do you lie that good to yourself?”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Doesn’t Stacy's look remind you of someone? Isn't that the hairstyle a particular person likes to wear? Why would you make her wear a black dress?”
“Okay, first of all, I didn't make her do anything, I just said she looked perfect, which is true. Second, I have no idea what you're talking about so it seems to me like this conversation is over.” He tried brushing past her but she caught his arm and turned him around. All Kai could do was show off how bothersome their conversation was.
“Kai, you need to talk to her. You have to tell her about Cole.”
“She knows about Cole, that's literally how we met, remember?”
The anger drained out from her eyes, exchanged for something Kai considered even worse, although it was hard to identify. She might have as well taken his soul and stripped it naked on the podium in front of everyone. If this was what pity looked like, he really didn’t need any of it.
“Look, I know this stuff is hard for you to talk about and I’m not saying you have to spill your guts to everyone. But you’re really not fit for a relationship right now and it would be more than fair to tell Stace that before everything just gets worse. I don’t want you to break her heart and I’m sure you don’t too.”
It was easier to avoid the weird stare. It was easier to stay silent than to reply. What even could he say?
“And I’m not saying you have to do it right now, okay? But the sooner, the better. It would hurt less.” He knew that best.
Once she turned to go back to their friends, when her back was turned towards him, that was when Kai finally dared to look his sister’s way. Coward.
Letting her words simmer in his head, Kai did what he claimed he came here for and filled the empty cups. He hated that they had to parent each other. That he failed so much at the job, Nya had to take part in the responsibility meant to be his.
It was unfair to everyone else to think that tonight was, no matter what, never going to be as good as he imagined. It was never going to be the night he confesses to Cole, whether they would have remained friends or not. He didn't lose everything, his friends did not abandon him after all, but if he were to continue like this, his luck might as well run out.
Attempt number two – Kai slid back into the conversation as if nothing happened, as if nothing bothered him. At least that's what he hoped he looked like. Relaxed smile, arm around Stacy-Lee which suddenly felt so wrong. As if he was stuck behind a thick glass wall and only his body could reach through, not his senses or his mind.
Why was pretending to be fine suddenly so difficult? He mastered that art! Why should something so natural at that point in life throw him so off balance? This wasn't him. Jay once talked about parasites that would get into your brain and take control over it until you become just a shell.
All he wanted was to get back to normal and to think about getting back to normal without simultaneously thinking that without Cole, it will be impossible. It was just a friendship, why was he being so dramatic about it? They could all drift apart at some point, that's life.
Stacy turned to him, her usual smiley self, and asked him to go dance, which he accepted not only out of obligation. This was an opportunity to get away a little. Maybe some sort of a brain reset. And she seemed excited to go, he couldn’t deprive her of it.
The dance floor was quite crowded with some people just having fun letting loose and some, like Kai and Stacy-Lee, in a gentle embrace of their partner. It would've been easier to move around the floor like a puppet whose master is a pair of fighting birds but Kai could surely handle this too.
He took one of her hands, put his other on her hip, looked into her eyes… Easy stuff, no problem whatsoever. He can do the steps without stumbling if he can focus enough on it.
“You never fail to surprise me.”
“Well, I'm a man of many talents for a reason.”
Eventually the control of his moves was taken over by the music and he felt himself relax more. It was only the relentless eye contact that was unnerving. Looking around wasn't an option because that would be rude but once he did exactly that, he couldn't stop.
Cole was standing by himself, fiddling with his cup and tapping his foot. It appeared he really wanted to become one with the wall he was leaning against. And Kai couldn't stop staring. What an awful sight. Even worse, he felt bad for him. Over the years he learnt all the various signs in Cole's body language and what they meant and now, when he was practically screaming that all he wanted was to get off the face of the earth, his knowledge was completely useless. All he could do was stare, so he did exactly that and he couldn't stop.
It wasn't that long ago when they were excitedly planning what to do tonight.
Kai couldn't tell what riled him up more – the fact that they stopped talking over such a stupid thing, the fact that he was completely helpless in this situation or the fact that he felt bad when Cole brought this upon himself. Not to mention the regret whenever he thought that. Maybe he was mad because of how torn he was lately. He didn't have it in him to hate Cole but he really, really wanted to. Anger always came so easily to him. It's such a simple emotion that mutes everything else, on the other hand, whatever he was feeling recently, it was the exact opposite. It was difficult and only made him hyper-aware of everything.
Although somehow everything also seemed hazy. December was rushing to the finish line and Kai was still stuck in the backyard on Halloween night.
“Kai! You're crushing my hand.” He also tripped over her feet once her voice reached him. There goes his perfect composure. Had he not been holding her, his hands would surely tremble.
“Sorry, are you all right?”
“Are you ?” Her reply made him finally focus again. Squinting in confusion, he mumbled a ‘What?’ as if she just gave him the most complicated riddle in the world. “I mean are you all right? You look way more out of it than usual.”
Unable to stop himself, Kai shot another look Cole’s way – just to see that nothing changed – and did his best at dodging the question, “Just got lost in thought, sorry.”
Stacy-Lee hummed, looking in the same direction he was. Then she tried to pull his head back from the stormy clouds. “Come on,” was all she said before she began leading him out of the hall. Walking through the deserted corridors reminded Kai of apocalypses. Most lights were dark and the farther they went, the more the music became a mere hum in the back of his mind, almost obscured by their own footsteps. He was just waiting for a zombie to jump them.
Honestly, that might just be the cure for all of his problems, although it was a selfish wish.
It was also oddly mind-clearing. As if the music he barely registered anyway was clogging his brain. Perhaps getting away from the proximity of Cole’s presence was the reason for that. Perhaps it was the feeling of Stacy’s fingers intertwined with his. The weight was put off his shoulders, now all he was left with was the unsettling feeling in his gut that seemed to be everlasting.
God knows where she managed to get keys to the music room but there she was, unlocking it as if she was getting home after school. While he was looking around at some of the instruments present, she locked the door behind them. She sat down on the ground under one of the windows and Kai went to join her, glancing at the night sky. Since he was a child he was used to the sparing number of stars visible, nevertheless, it always sat wrong with him.
Apparently, Stacy-Lee was full of surprises that night because the next moment Kai turned to her, she was holding the flask Nya confiscated from him.
“Can I marry you?” Kai muttered in astonishment as he took it from her.
“Not sure, I’ll have to check my calendar first…”
“How’d you managed all this?”
“Well, my mother teaches music here, and as her daughter, who plays the piano in the school band, I get entrusted with the spare keys. And the flask I will rather keep a mystery to you. It’s like what magicians say, never reveal your tricks?”
Kai shook his head in disbelief. “There’s so much stuff I don’t know about you.”
“I don't really talk that much about myself, to be fair.” Kai would’ve been more aware of this, had he not been busy being stuck with rose glasses in the past. Maybe it was left unsaid, maybe his mind wanted to drill the guilty feeling further into him. Either way, he deserved it.
It was as if he hit a wall and now everything managed to catch up with him. He missed out on so much, there was a huge blank hole in his mind – he couldn’t even recall when his friends began talking to him again despite the scene he almost caused in the cafeteria, or what could even motivate them to do so.
Reality came crashing down on him and at that moment, Kai couldn’t swallow even his pride, so he set the flask aside on the ground, despite the alcohol within promising some sort of freedom.
The deeper he got stuck inside his head thinking about facing the rest of the world, the more blurry everything seemed. Although he must’ve instinctively followed her moves as he caught himself leaning into her kisses, Kai had no recollection of it. As if part of him was stuck sitting there with eyes glued to the flask. Everything felt wrong, everything was wrong. His own skin felt so wrong, it had to be someone else’s. He couldn’t just watch himself continue, he had to do something. Or stop doing something, for that matter.
“Stace–” He gasped for air as if he was seconds from drowning. Which he probably was with the way his heart beat like crazy against his tight chest. So much water but none to wash it all away. “It’s not– You shouldn’t.” The fact that he couldn’t put together a simple sentence made everything even worse but he can’t let out his anger on the wrong person again.
“I’m sorry, I– I thought I could try to get your mind off things…” She shook her head, eyes pools of despair. For some reason, and it was most likely just Kai’s fault as per usual, she looked immensely guilty – but how could he manage to make kindness a bad thing? Was this how he made everyone feel? Since the party, his life never ceased spinning as he remained tied to an unstoppable roundabout and he could barely recall all of his actions.
He got so far that now other people felt guilty because of his own actions. Great going, maybe Cole made the best decision to take the closest exit as soon as he could. Maybe the rest should follow his example.
“It was a stupid idea, sorry.”
“Don’t say that, Stace, none of this is your fault, you don’t have to be sorry.”
She was not listening to him. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” She didn’t even look his way.
“I can’t be with you, Stacy. It isn’t fair.” Then again, perhaps this was better – her avoiding him in all ways, just nodding. It was definitely deserved.
“I know. I’m–”
Somebody fished the words out of him and threw them on the ground between them. He didn't speak them, otherwise, he would be able to recall it. Or maybe he was losing his mind, could that explain why his body had a mind of its own while he was stuck in the audience?
“I’m in love with Cole,” was ripped from his throat. All the confessions, just ripped out from his tongue like fortune from his pockets. “I think you’re really awesome, honestly, but I just used you. I thought you’d help me get over him. It was selfish and you don’t deserve it. I’m sorry, Stacy.”
Her eyes finally met his and he couldn’t dissect anything swimming in them. She remained silent for a while, as they stared at each other.
“Kai–”
“Could you do something for me?” He had to get her out before the flames could swallow her too. Had to set her free back where she belonged before he could cause more damage. “Go have fun with the others, I didn’t want to ruin your night.”
It took some more silent pleading before she got up. He didn’t watch as she left, only waited for the door to click. It was also kind of selfish, as he simply didn’t want anyone to see him.
Kai let the flask slide across the floor to the other end of the room and closed his eyes. Better to rip the band-aid off fast, than to take too long and cause more pain.
Now it was just him and the silent orchestra, waiting for the sting to end its note.
Notes:
sorry if the quality went downhill, to be honest, i finished this chapter with a strong dislike for it. i don't even know what happened, i was excited for it, i am excited for the rest of the story, just hit a road bump here... i will try more in the rest of the story though! at this point i am just desperate to get this part over with... turns out long chapters arent the best thing for me? wow, who would have guessed? and this was supposed to be the entirety of december, whoops! sorry :<
this is overflowing with angst, i have no idea where its coming from haha
Chapter Text
“Are you sure you don’t wanna come along? You know they’ll be more than thrilled.”
“It’s fine, I’m pretty tired anyway. You go have fun. Oh, and if there are any schnitzels left, could you maybe…?”
Smiling, Nya rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, I already let Edna know to make some more.”
“Thanks, you’re the best!” Kai kissed her forehead (and ignored the mean face she pulled) before ushering her out. She turned back several times until she finally gave in and ran to Jay’s to make it just in time for Christmas dinner. Once she was out of sight, Kai shut the door close with a sigh and looked over their silent, empty place. He was used to it, so why did it feel exceptionally heavy this time?
Right, because Cole wasn’t his best friend anymore and he decided to spend his Christmas completely alone.
Maybe it was about time he moved on as it appeared Cole was set on his decision. But rather than working on that, Kai sat down at the kitchen table, pulled out his phone and indulged himself in his favourite recent activity – going through all the photos and videos they had taken together through the years. At least his phone was good for something, self-harming memories.
He gave up on trying to give up, looking at smiles frozen in the moment, sealed forever in the past, that was easy. Maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Mourn a little, cry a little, until all of it finally washes off, down the drain and into the canal.
The doorbell rang and his first thought was that Nya must have forgotten something. Then he disregarded it because Nya barely ever forgot anything. Except for her name day, she never remembered her name day. Which was pretty much pointless but it was one of the few things Kai could hold over her.
When he opened the door, it wasn’t Nya (which wasn’t as surprising after all), however, it was a girl with raven hair he didn’t expect to see at that time at that place as well.
“Can I come in?” Stacy-Lee held up a plate of spring rolls, making the plastic bag with candy canes and chocolate lollipops swing along, as if her chances would get increased by the offer of some treats. As if she needed her chances to get increased.
“Yeah, of course, come on.” Kai let her inside. In proper lighting and without the veil of snowflakes, he could notice her red nose – which wouldn’t be extraordinary to see considering the weather – but along with her bloodshot eyes and the sparkle of what was unmistakably dried tear stains, it changed a lot. His attention was diverted as she struggled to get out of her shoes and coat and he quickly helped her with her things.
Somehow, and it was a curious mystery, the girl he deemed sunshine in his cloudy days perfectly mimicked the reflection Kai kept seeing everywhere he looked.
She took a deep breath once she was done and turned to him. His staring was probably a little too obvious.
“Look, I bet neither of us wants to talk, so how about we just watch movies and treat ourselves to these until we both pass out on the couch?”
Suddenly, he had plans for Christmas.
Their TV was never really used. Maybe back when their parents still spent some time at home, maybe back then they used to sit in front of it together but as they grew older, Kai found it more and more difficult to recall memories with his family. He would consider it sad if it wasn’t all their fault.
It was a nice change to watch some movies and let his brain shut off, visit normal and paranormal worlds filled with Christmas wonder. He almost felt like a child again. Almost.
How could somebody so young feel so old? If there was so much more waiting for him in his life, why did this seem like an endless maze of sorrow? Shouldn’t he be a carefree teenager?
Stacy-Lee fell asleep first, so he moved onto the floor and let the endless hum of the TV lull him to the temporary oblivion as well.
There was no gift waiting for him under the Christmas tree – not only because there was no tree to begin with – but all Kai wished for that year was for Cole to take him back and for the almost faded memory of his parents to become clearer again.
It was freezing and they were idling on swings which was probably one of the worst ideas but neither of them seemed to even contemplate doing something else.
“Maybe you need something like… Personal cleansing.”
“Personal cleansing?” Kai echoed, part of him feeling just a wee bit stupid. “What’s that?”
“Ugh, I mean…” She swung some more in her desperate search for the right words. “You know, make amends, start anew. New year, new me sorta thing, yeah?”
“I don’t want to become a whole new person, Stace.”
“Well, I don’t mean completely changing who you are.” She looked around the park, eyes grazing over the few passersby. “Just, you know, working on yourself. Do things you want, change things you want. Get rid of your demons.”
“Are you suggesting exorcism? From what I’ve seen, not the most fun way to spend your Friday afternoon.”
Her laugh was sweet-sour and Kai could not tell if it was because of his own inner turmoil or because of whyever she chose to spend the entirety of winter break at their place. Neither Kai nor Nya asked why. While a small part of him – the part he always pretended took over his whole being while it couldn’t be farther from the truth – thought that maybe she felt bad for him, the rational part knew something had to be up. He didn’t want to pry, middling with his friends’ private lives already proved to be a ticket to hell, but he wanted to help, to be useful.
“I don’t know, some people write out their feelings, some might go volunteering… It’s really about doing what you want or need to work with your guilt, Ma says there’s nothing more poisonous than a mycelium of regrets.” He did not dare to look into her eyes, however, he also didn’t turn his head away. “From what you told me I feel like maybe what you need is a way to forgive yourself. As selfish as it sounds, you’re always your number one. The first enemy or the first friend.” Looking down at the uncovered gravel, she shrugged and kicked at it. Kai bore his eyes into the swinging chains.
If helping meant making amend as a New Year’s resolution, then make amends he will. Maybe it would be the first step needed to letting go. You can’t get rid of the thing at the very bottom when there is a whole tower still standing. From the top to the foundation.
Notes:
guys, heartbreak high really broke my heart... i was going to watch ninjago and instead binged the whole new season, whoops
thank you so much for the positive feedback on last chapter, made me feel a whole lot better, i really appreciate it 🥺
Chapter 5: Part #5
Summary:
Something about coming back to school felt like one too small, scratchy sweater he just could not pull over his head.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
January
Coming back to school after a break is just like taking a shower. You really don’t want to go but the water will run cold eventually. And if Cole knew something well, it was the freezing coldness of his own house that would not go away no matter how much he turns the heater on.
Still, being on the grounds of his school made him wish to go back. No one had any reason to look at him but somehow it felt as if every pair of eyes found their target on his back. Cole inadvertently shook, despite the fact that the cold did not reach this far into the school’s halls. Leaning against the lockers, he clutched the strap of his backpack in his hand and glided with his gaze over the place before him, not focusing on anything or anyone in particular.
Then he finally arrived.
“‘Sup, Stone.” Morro put his arm around his shoulders, leaned into him. Something about coming back to school felt like one too small, scratchy sweater Cole just could not manage to pull over his head.
“Hey.” Maybe it was the long pause of no contact that made things so awkward. He couldn’t find it within himself to lean in for the kiss Morro wouldn’t give him.
“How were the hermit holidays?” Cole could only manage to raise an eyebrow in question. “You love your alone time.”
“Yeah, well…” He wouldn’t mind spending New Year’s not alone. But he can’t say that outright, Morro was keen on giving him space which was considerate. “I don’t hate it.”
“You know, I never thought I’d say it, but the guys from Ninjago Tech do know how to party.”
“Sorry?”
“I got a lodge by the river for the New Year’s party, thought I’d invite some, you know, maybe it could be funny, I thought. I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised,” Morro explained to him. “ Come on , I didn’t invite you because I know you prefer to be by yourself.” He gave a light punch to his shoulder. “How’s pops? How big of a bummer was he on ye holy night?”
“Dunno. He’s coming back from his tour today.” He arrived at the brink of dawn and passed out on the couch, shoes still on, the smell of smoke and alcohol overpowering his cologne but no one had to know that. Cole took a breath in an attempt to get those thoughts away but while he was on the topic… “You know, I was wondering–”
However, before he could bring up the idea he’s been mulling over in his head for over a month, Morro let out a low whistle, eyes aimed somewhere across the hallway. Cole wished he never followed his gaze, as if wishing for anything has ever led him anywhere.
“You know,” Morro mused, “I can’t stand Smith but you gotta give it to him, he really knows how to wrap people around his finger. You think he really cares about someone and the next day he’s with somebody else already.” He shook his head. Cole wanted to look away but his body would not listen. “Man, if only girls were this crazy for me. How does he do it?” Then he turned to look back at Cole. “You were saying?”
“I was just saying I should get to class,” Cole muttered, an autopilot in his brain taking over.
“This early? We’ve got plenty of time!”
“I wanted to talk with the teacher about something.” With agility that was not his own, Cole got out of Morro’s hold and walked calmly, because there was no rush , to the room his first class was to take place. It was about half-full when Cole threw himself into his chair and pulled out his notebook and pencil case. And it was time for his thoughts to catch up with him.
Kai wasn’t just flirting with a different girl than the noirette he was hanging around with before the break, he was flirting with somebody he already was with before.
Then again, why should he care? It was none of his business. Kai can do whatever he wants. At least he seemed to not have a hard time taking losses. If they even were losses.
But why should he care? Not that he cares. He doesn’t have to. He shouldn’t.
He was acting like a stupid kid. When he pretended to be busy straightening out his notebook to align perfectly with the corner of the desk just as Kai entered the classroom, when he skipped lunch to avoid the feeling of Kai’s eyes burning into his back, when he muted everything out with music and picked up a dusty book from his shelf to ignore the world further.
He was a stupid kid.
Something strange was going on and it managed to drive Cole mad in just a few short days. Every school day since the winter break, Cole would find Kai talking with a girl Cole was certain he had something with before.
Not that Cole was looking for Kai on purpose, Kai somehow possessed the mysterious ability to pull all attention to him without having to lift a finger. With his tall, lean build covered in bright red clothes and crowned with the signature brown spikes and piercing eyes that never failed to send shivers down his spine, it was a challenge not to notice him.
Another puzzle on the list was the fact that he was also still hanging around the noirette. What could all of it mean? Not that it was any of his business.
But what was he doing ?
Sitting in the front row wasn't one of his most strategic moves as it turns out. Just like in the cafeteria, in most classrooms Cole couldn't shake the feeling of Kai's eyes burning into his back and he lacked the ability to look at him without being obvious because he would have to turn around.
It was none of his business.
But Cole kept toying with the idea of just asking some of the girls about it. He knew some of them, heck, Kai introduced them.
But he shouldn't. He should just let it be, let Kai be. He had other things to worry about. Other people. Life goes on. Both Kai's, both Cole's.
“Are you really mad at me because of the holidays?”
“Hm?” He was hanging out with Morro and some of the gang at The Preeminent, a bar that had nothing to offer except for cheap alcohol and an owner that had no problem turning a blind eye when serving youngsters like Cole. Also one pool table, now occupied by Bansha, Archer, Ghoultar, and Harper and eyed by Cole, who kept peeling the label of his bottle of beer.
“You’ve been such a sour face lately. If you had told me you'd want to go, I would've invited you.”
Cole blinked at him, catching up now that he was emerging back from his thoughts. “Oh, I’m not mad about that. I'm not mad at all.” He didn’t want to go to a party, he just would’ve appreciated some company during the holidays most considered a family time . Of course he understood Morro had a different opinion, he was a party animal and it was fine. Relationships were about giving each some space to do their own thing.
Morro scoffed. “Then what's that frown for?”
“I dunno, just lost in thought.”
Leaning in closer, Morro husked, “May I know what you're bothering your brain with?”
Cole's lips tugged upright, the smell of alcohol filling his nose as if it wasn't strong enough already. Kai used to call the place a stinkhole. Every single time he would scrunch up his nose in the same fashion his sister did and it would never fail to make Cole laugh. And every time they heard about another flood striking this place, Kai would say, “See? Even First Master can smell it needs a shower!”
He shook his head. “Nothing, it's stupid.”
“Hmm.” Morro leaned back and took a swig. “I was racking my brain about that pout. So, here's my idea, to make it up. You don't have to say anything, I know it's bothering you. I'm going to put together a party in your honour. For your 19th birth–”
“18th.”
“What?”
“It’s my 18th birthday.”
“Right. Yeah, I must’ve said that because I was thinking it's on the 19th of Ja–”
“21st.”
Morro blinked. “Huh. Guess I got that wrong. Anyway, a party in your honour. Will that make you happy?” He nudged him in the chest, still clutching the bottle by its neck.
“Well–” Glancing back at the pool table, where the rest were laughing about something, Cole considered this to be his chance. “Actually, I was wondering… Dad wants me to go with him on this special dinner and–”
“Seriously?” Morro’s eyes flashed in the dim light as he scowled. “Don’t tell me you want to waste your time with that old man. I know how much you hate him.”
“I know but it's my 18th birthday and I was thinking–” If there was even a spark of a chance a miracle would take place on his birthday and his rusty relationship with his Dad would catch its second breath, he would be an absolute fool to miss out on that, wouldn’t he?
“How can you even consider it? You know he's just going to forget again or go on some tour or do anything to not be there and then you’ ll get disappointed. Don't make me have to say ‘I told you so’, I don’t want to do that to you.”
“I was hoping… It's special…” Now he heard it. His meek protests, he sounded like a naïve idiot. His Dad will probably not even remember. He probably forgot about it long ago, if not the moment their conversation about the dinner ended.
Morro put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer, Cole leaned into him for support. Even after all those years he let defeat get him so weak.
“Come on, brighten up.” He brushed his knuckles over Cole's cheek. “I’ll get you anything you want for the party.”
“I don't want a party.” I want my father to care like he used to when we were whole.
“Come on.” Morro leaned even closer if it was possible. “Everybody wants a party.”
Cole didn't have it in him to argue or try and explain himself, he just kissed Morro because he wanted his brain to shut up even though it wouldn't no matter what.
What on earth was Kai up to? It kept him awake. Cole would toss and turn at night in his bed that seemed to lose all of its lulling comfort and he would try and find an explanation for the interactions he observed in school halls. Every day another familiar face. Kai would be talking to some girl he either dated or just made out, flashing his stupid, adorable smile like it’s nothing and then he would go back to hanging out with the black-haired girl in bright-coloured clothes.
And Cole kept trying to not dig into what doesn't concern him but he couldn't help himself. Was he doing it on purpose? Did he know how much intrigue he sowed into Cole’s brain? Was this just a way to gain his attention? Not that Kai needed a master plan to gain Cole’s – or anyone’s – attention. Kai was the kind of person that would rise above all others no matter what, no matter how mundane the circumstances.
It was not his place to worry about it, to investigate anything, to question anyone. He should just let Kai be Kai and enjoy the attention his boyfriend was giving him. He shouldn’t have Kai on his mind when making out with Morro, someone who actually showed interest in him beyond platonic friendship, and yet, after all this time and after all the horrible things he has done, he never moved on from his spot.
Why can’t this be you? Why can’t you want this too? Why do I have to live in a world where Kai only has eyes for girls?
What are you up to? What are you doing? Do you know you keep me up at night?
He couldn't help himself so much, he found himself picking up speed to catch up with Zane during their PE class one day. It was such a lucky opportunity. Kai was in the other group, exercising, plus their whole form was together during those classes, so he could ask Zane. Nothing suspicious about two guys running side-by-side.
But once their footsteps aligned and the perfect moment appeared, Cole backed out like the coward he has always been and always will be.
No , this wasn't right. It wasn't fair towards Kai or Zane. He can’t dig around in someone else’s private business and he can’t use the friend he didn’t talk to in so long just to ask about someone he punched in the face after telling him he can rot in a ditch . His list of regrets was already a mile long, why make it even more so?
“Hey Zane, long time no see.” Why doesn't he just dig himself a hole? “How are you doing?” And ask about the weather while you’re at it! God , how did he manage to forget how to hold a proper conversation?
At first, Zane gave him a quizzical look. But then he offered a smile and politely replied, even asked Cole the same. The surprising easiness of the short interaction managed to relax Cole so much, he found himself keeping it going despite the rocky start.
“I've noticed you brought a date to the dance. She looked pretty.”
And Zane’s face immediately brightened up as he looked ahead at the track. It managed to make Cole smile as well, although it was not his place to.
“Ah, yes, that was Pixal, my girlfriend.”
“Ooh, Zane, don't tell me you've got a girl stuck in your head.” He might as well be the worst person in the world. But seeing the excited glint in his… friend’s… eyes made him content that they were doing well without him. Perhaps it was for the better? Perhaps he would’ve just dragged them down with his own misery. Perhaps he already did.
“She's great. According to Jay,” not even running would stop Zane from using air quotes, “‘ sassy but classy. ’”
Cole chuckled. “Sounds like a perfect mix.”
“I believe you'd grow fond of her like the others. We work together at Borg’s and…” Zane’s expression turned bashful as he leaned his head to the side. “I know it might sound foolish, but it feels as if we’ve always been meant to work together. We’re just so compatible. She helps me elevate my ideas, I help elevate hers… She’s brilliant but never makes me feel stupid in her presence. I consider myself the luckiest guy.”
Listening to the affectionate words made Cole’s head spin. Just like when he was younger and buried in books, he wished to have something like that as well. Could it be possible Morro spoke so highly of him to others too? Not that Cole deserved it but the idea made his chest tickle with giddiness.
“It doesn’t sound foolish. I’m glad you found someone who makes you glow like this.” He dared to nudge him with his shoulder. “I’m really happy for you, Zane.”
“Thank you, Cole.”
Maybe if the others were doing so well, maybe it meant Kai was better off too. He seemed to carry himself with lighter shoulders nowadays and when Cole saw him with his friends or with the girl, he couldn’t miss the relaxed smile. The true relaxed smile.
And he himself wasn’t doing so bad either, after all, now he had someone to call his own and that was always something he dreamed, right? Everybody wins.
Kai noticed him. Not that Cole was looking. Or staring. He was just looking around the hallway and Kai just happened to be there, as usual. That was always the case, Kai just exists and Cole stumbles in. But now he was laser-focused on the interior of his own locker and there was no reason to overthink it further.
Except…
“Cole.” No. What is he doing? “I know you hate me but can I talk to you for a quick sec?”
“Uh– yeah. Sure. Of course.”
Kai glanced down but Cole was frozen in place, afraid to make any move besides turning to face him. “I had this waiting for today for some time but… Well, shit hit the fan, right? I don't know what else to do with it, so, here you go. You do what you want with it.” With that, he stuffed something in Cole's hands. Cole was pretty sure he heard a happy birthday before he vanished but he may be imagining things. Maybe he imagined this whole thing.
But there was a box in his hands, neatly packed in eggshell-white paper, and he can't keep imagining that for the rest of the day.
What on earth, what on earth, what on earth.
Cole's world was spinning and rocking and anything but calm. At some point, he moved out to a boat and ventured into a stormy sea and that was his home now, his life. Just a wild and unpredictable, dangerous sea, ready to swallow him at any moment.
He stored the box in his locker and no matter how far his classes took him, his mind was stuck standing there, staring into the opened locker at the white box.
Kai had a birthday gift ready for him for months . If not years! And he punches him in the face because his cup runs over one time! One!
Cole's forehead was getting sore but that didn’t stop him from banging it against any flat surface he came across that day.
He was not allowed to miss Kai. He cut him off. It was him, his decision, his consequences to face!
Maybe he's playing with you , suggested some part of his mind that always liked to join in on the thought torture. Maybe he wants you to feel bad. Maybe it’s been the goal all along.
But Kai's not like that. Sure, he can get petty and he can make someone's life hell if he decides to but he's not like that. He wouldn't do that, would he? Not that Cole didn’t deserve it, but would he? Kai can get petty but why would he decide to start with it now? After months since…
Everything went wrong since that night. Why can’t they go back to the time of last summer when everything was fine, him and Kai were friends, Morro spoiled him with attention, and life felt good? Hot summer nights, drinks, Kai, the butterflies in his stomach finally caused by someone else… It was a beautiful haze of bonfire smoke and summer storms and everyone was happy . And then he had to go out of his way to ruin everything, stomp on the sandcastle they built.
Sure, Kai may have bummed his Halloween night but that didn’t give Cole any reason to do–
He thinks I hate him.
But that was never the truth, was it?
That day was somewhat a blur since he ran off into class. He couldn't remember exactly what he said, just fragments; just that his frustrations piled up and he took it all out on Kai. And sure, most of his frustrations had something to do with Kai but if he could, he would go back and punch him self instead.
Especially now that he believes he hates him.
He didn't say that, did he? God , he told him he can rot in a ditch.
He said he was done but that didn’t mean forever, just for the moment until he ran out of steam.
But maybe it was better this way. If all it takes for Cole to explode is a small and stupid argument, then maybe it’s better Kai got away from him at the dawn of it, before Cole got the chance to… to do much more damage.
He had a gift ready for me and he thinks I hate him.
And he didn’t even blurt out a thank you. Great going, Cole, you really know how to deal with people you consider important to you.
“Hey, stormy clouds, something happened?” The last thing Cole wanted was to spend lunch in the cafeteria, under so many prying eyes, but he still sat down where Morro patted his hand and poked away at his lunch. “Tomorrow’s the big day, huh?” Morro asked as he put his arm around Cole's shoulders, where it belonged, and gently rubbed him.
“Today,” Cole corrected, head lost in the crowd chanting, Kai had a gift ready for him for god knows how long and Cole will never be able to live with himself.
Morro snatched the muffin Bansha was just about to bite into and handed him the pastry.
“Of course, I knew it! She keeps messing up the dates,” he shot her aglare, “I thought today was the eigh– twentieth. So, birthday boy, looks like you've got the whole weekend then, eh?”
Cole was sure anything he would eat would just go back right up but Morro was still watching him so he offered a timid smile and bit into the muffin. Mostly so he could let the other chat away until they all finish their meals and leave. Until it was just them two and Morro turned to him again.
“I saw you and Kai this morning,” he said for some reason with a hint of danger in his voice. Or maybe it was his protectiveness, when it came to that, Morro could be a little rough but he meant well. He also seemed to take the argument more seriously than Cole. To be honest, it was easy to have someone else carry the weight. To Cole, it was terra incognita, he could be only glad to have someone by his side to help him deal with it, even if he didn’t share the fiery passion.
“Is he still texting you?”
“No.” He couldn't tell which was worse – watching the texts rain in or the silence now that Kai stopped.
“You know, if he's bothering you, we should tell someone. This borders harassment, I think.”
“He was just giving me a birthday gift.”
Morro raised an eyebrow. “You’re not talking anymore, though?”
“He told me he had it ready for some time. I guess he didn’t want to just get rid of it.” Even though he very well could.
“Hmm, that sounds… No, I shouldn't talk like that.” He shook his head. This time it was Cole who leaned closer.
“What?”
“Look, you seem to have fond memories of him and it's not my place to try and ruin them.”
“I don't care, tell me. What does it sound like?”
For a moment, Morro mulled over the decision, chewing at his lower lip. But he eventually replied, “Obsessive.”
Cole furrowed his eyebrows. “Huh? No, Kai was just always very thoughtful when it came to things like this.”
But Morro nodded his head from side to side as he let out an uncertain hum. “I don't know, if he told you he had the gift ready for so long… if it's true, who’s to say he doesn’t have gifts ready for more of your upcoming birthdays? Which would be weird. Or he just lied to make you feel bad and take him back, you know, because ‘he's such a caring friend.’”
“That doesn't sound like Kai. He's many things but he's a terrible planner. Or a manipulator like that.”
“Maybe,” Morro admitted. “But desperation has its tolls.”
Moving a little away from him, Cole asked, “Well, what is that supposed to mean?”
Morro took a deep breath and looked around the cafeteria. Despite all the students leaving, it was still full and bustling with conversations, which morphed into an unintelligible noise. “I'm just saying… if he's desperate enough to keep you around, he’ll find a way to do it, even if he's a terrible planner and manipulator like you said.”
“You sound just like when you said you think he’s a kleptomaniac,” Cole argued, stubborn as a mule.
“That's not what I said . I said I think if Kai is desperate enough, he’ll steal. I can't judge that, not even this. I mean, with how his home life is, it's pretty admirable how he manages it, you know? No one can judge him for stealing here and there when he has a little sister to take care of on his own and they live from their monthly allowance, basically. So, if he needs you around because you're rich…”
“He's not using me.”
“But you say you paid most of the time when you went somewhere.”
“Because I offered it.”
“And why’s that? Because he told you he has no money. You can’t deny he didn’t profit from your precious, sympathetic heart.”
Cole managed to get his arm off. He didn’t want to listen to this. “Stop. Stop talking about him like that, you don’t know him like I do and Kai would never use anyone for his own benefit, he’s too proud to do that. Hell would have to freeze over before he admits defeat and asks for help, if that would even be enough.”
Morro raised his hands in a defensive gesture. “Hey, I'm just throwing around some theories, of course I’m not a Kai expert. Although you are and that didn’t get you very far, too.” With a sigh, his eyes searched Cole’s. “I just– you think so highly of him, I don't…” he rubbed his shoulder, lips curled into a pitying smile. “I don't want you to get disappointed if it turns out he's not the saint you considered him… You know, out of all people, it is me who understands that pain the best. When someone you look up to turns out to not be the person you believed them to be.” He brushed his knuckles over Cole's cheek, thumb over lower lip, sending shivers down Cole’s spine until he found himself leaning into his touch. “I'm just looking out for you, you're too good to suffer that kinda pain.”
Not in the cafeteria. Don’t get this moved in the cafeteria when there are so many people.
“Are you sure you don't wanna go with me to the dinner?” Cole murmured with his head placed on Morro’s shoulder while he played with his hair.
“If I was to go to a dinner, I would like there to be one,” he replied, to Cole’s misfortune. He liked the idea of finally having someone to introduce to his Dad. Then again, he had to admit that said plans were still in the stars no matter how much he kept thinking about it.
“Hey, don’t be sad, I'll be taking care of the party, you can come anytime and ask for anything, I’ll get it for you, all right? Today's all for you .”
Kai seemed to have disappeared since he spoke with Cole that morning by the lockers. Or maybe Cole was too busy thinking about the box and failed to find him in the crowds. Whichever the case, he had no chance of getting to talk to him during school or after it. So he sauntered home on his own, with an exhausting excess of questions and thoughts on his weary mind, and the eggshell-white box in languid hands.
As if today wasn't enough, he walked in just as his father was getting ready to go out. If he was going to miss him, it would've been better without getting to see him at all. Just his luck, he should’ve gotten used to it after eighteen years of living with it.
“There you are, Cole. “What took you so long?”
He raised an eyebrow, stuck standing in the doorway as he watched his Dad fix his bowtie. “I got a little held up with my boyfriend.”
Lou hummed, still focused on his own reflection. Clearing his throat as quietly as he could, Cole walked inside, leaving the door ajar. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, although they still clutched the Pandora’s box, or with his Dad, who finally got satisfied enough with his appearance enough so that he tore his eyes away from the mirror and picked up his keys.
“I need to go take care of something, we’ll meet at Peri’s at six. You do know how to get there, right?”
He didn't forget.
Careful, don’t count your chickens before they hatch , Edna would say, according to Jay.
When Cole assured him he knew his way around, Lou was ready to leave the house. But, with one foot out of the door, he turned back to him once more. “Oh, and put on some proper clothes, will you?”
“See you, Dad.”
Yeah, because he was going to go there in jeans and an old sweatshirt…
But he didn't forget! Morro was mistaken on this one, ha!
So that would be one boulder off his heart, now what to do with the gift from Kai? At first, Cole delayed having to open it by getting ready for the dinner. He took his time picking up the right outfit, the most proper clothing fit for a fancy restaurant his wardrobe possessed, he took his time putting it on and yet, somehow, he was already sitting on his bed, facing the box again. How long could it have been? Five minutes?
He should stop beating around the bush, what’s the worst that can happen?
Maybe it’s a bomb? Or poison?
Don't be ridiculous. Bombs and poison are so not Kai’s style.
All right, it was time he stopped being an idiot and just opened the gift, to see for himself that the only damage that could be done was psychological, not physical. So he was now going to open the gift no matter how tight it made his stomach knot. Now . He is going to stop pacing back and forth in his room and open it now .
He took great care unwrapping the paper despite its blandness. Cole tried convincing himself it was just because that was how he always opened gifts but the truth was he simply wanted to buy more time for himself. Ignoring the slight tremble of his hands, he moved on to opening the box. Deep breath, look inside.
First thing catching his attention was a sprig of dried forget-me-nots. Then, an old camera, and some sort of a small notebook. No, it was a photo album. Cole was worried about what he would find inside so he decided to check out the camera first, even though there was not much to check out. It felt oddly familiar but he couldn't quite place it yet. It seemed functional, even with a package of new and unused film.
Okay, he can't avoid the photo album forever. Weight on his chest disregarded, Cole looked inside it.
Some of the people in the photos he could not recognise. But some of them were strikingly familiar. Of course he knew where he saw the camera before, it must've belonged to his mother. But how …
Cole slowly perused through the photos from his Mum’s younger years, probably early twenties? Eyes lingering on moments captured in time, with lots of familiar faces, some he would not have expected to see, Cole’s breath was nothing but a whisper of a whisper. He could see Kai’s parents and… was that the Cliff Gordon? Here and there was a familiar spot, still recognisable despite the ravages of time.
How did he…?
Cole scrolled through his phone. Messages, messages. Morro at the top with an address. You should recognise the place . He didn't need to scroll far to find Kai, as Cole never accumulated many messages from various people. His fingers froze, he couldn't tap on the chat, his thumb wouldn’t listen to its orders.
The text of the latest message burned into his cornea but he couldn't click on it, he couldn't– he can't just text a thank you. Kai gives him a fragment of his Mother’s past and he just texts a thank you? No, that wasn’t right.
What should he do? What should he do? Why would his world not stop spinning?
You should recognise the place.
I’m sorry.
He was weak, despite all the muscles, he was puny and lacking willpower, and so Cole turned the phone off instead and threw it aside on the bed before sprawling across it himself.
If there was a wall in Peri’s, it was covered in paintings. And all of them would depict mountain landscapes at any time of day, any time of year. Somehow not a single painting was the same, despite all of that. Cole’s eyes travelled around, jumping from one to another. Tonight there was some lady in a night-blue dress playing the piano in the middle of the room. Peri’s liked to support artists of many talents, even Cole's Dad had the honour to provide entertainment there a few times.
He turned back to his hoisin-glazed lamb chops and stuffed his mouth some more. Tonight was on Lou and Cole wanted to get the most of it. Although…
“I understand it's your 18th birthday, Cole, but I think it would be better if you didn't drink tonight,” his Dad had told him from behind the menu, with a dog-monkey in the centre, when they were ordering. Cole didn't ask why but he obliged, not that he needed to drink. Although, the more the night progressed and the weirder Lou got, the more he thought maybe that was a miscalculation.
“I haven't seen Kai around in a long time, how's he?”
Cole stabbed his eyes and cutlery into the food. What was he going to drop on him tonight? “… I dunno, we haven't really talked much lately.” And why is that, Cole? Why is that?
“Hmm, I've noticed you seem less happy than usual,” Lou commented before getting a mouthful as if they were talking about the weather.
He noticed ? “That's not true, I'm doing great. Actually–” Should he even bother? Morro was not here, so he could introduce them. Just like he wasn't at the dance. And even if, what would be the point of it? Even after everything, he still chased after his Dad’s attention and approval. What was it that Morro said? When people you look up to fail to be who you believe them to be. Maybe he was right, just about the wrong person.
Lou didn't seem to pick up on the cut off, which was no more surprising than the fact that grass is green. “I like that boy. Quite the troublemaker but he always fought for what was right. Like your mother.”
Well, isn't that just a punch in the gut? Cole gulped down his Summit Sunset with maybe a little too much haste.
“Yeah. He's– yeah.” He's given me a gift and I punched him in the face.
The whole evening was weird and no matter how comfortable their seats were supposed to be, Cole kept shifting in his seat under his Dad’s questions. How's school? Is anyone giving you any trouble? And last but not least, You do have your driver's licence on you, right? He never asked about his boyfriend and Cole never got around to doing it himself because Morro was not there anyway.
After conquering Peri’s famous molten-chocolate lava cake, Cole thought the very nice and totally not weird family dinner was over but his Father put his hand on his back and led him outside, claiming he “had something he wanted to show him.” So of course Cole lost all ground beneath his feet. Could it be possible his Dad was kidnapped by aliens and now the same was happening to him? Run while you can!
He waved at one of the valet parking attendants – did he drive here? Cole didn't hear him start the car when he was leaving.
It took a while of waiting in silence, when a car pulled up. An orange Dodge with a black bonnet and Cole's breath hitched because he already saw that car that day . The valet got out and handed Lou the keys. Once he was gone, Lou turned to Cole, put the keys in his hand and kept holding it with both his. Cole tore his gaze away to face him.
Today was getting too much, he did not have a drop of alcohol and yet his world kept rocking.
“This Super Bee was your mother’s, she always wanted you to have it.” Nothing was real, nothing was real. His mother’s car? His own? “Take good care of it, Son. Happy birthday. ”
Cole felt light-headed when he drove down the streets. Everything was a blur except for the road ahead, tears pushed at the back of his eyes but none spilled over yet, someone was crushing his heart. Was he a ghost haunting this world or was this world a ghost haunting him?
It felt strange, thinking about it all – his hands were in places his Mother’s once were, gripping the steering wheel. Was she driving through the same streets? Seeing the same places? They never used this car to get around, he never saw it in their garage. But now he was sitting in the same seat his Mother once was and life couldn't be more askew. No matter how many times he tried to straighten it out, it tilted once again.
Blinking to keep his vision clear, Cole readjusted his grip and continued driving, ignoring the sploshing of the bottle beside him.
Criminal, how fast he arrived, he didn't have the time to get ready. He didn’t have any time to get ready at all. He wasn't prepared to face people, any people. But the house he recognised came into view and he crossed the line of no return.
Notes:
ugh, why cant i write this fast all the time! its nothing for a month and then bam!
I'm a little concerned I'm not selling this exactly right but ill let you guys decide on that. thanks for sticking around! <3
Chapter 6: Part #6
Summary:
Tonight, tonight, the memory lane's bright…
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
It wasn’t late late but the day was already over for Kai, so who on earth was ringing the goddamn doorbell? They had no idea what kind of hive they were poking and Kai was going to make sure they—
Then he grasped for air and stumbled in his window, for a moment he could see himself lying flat on the ground before his entrance door but he managed to not fall out. Without being given any time to recover from the initial shock, way too familiar eyes were looking up at him. Kai’s arms faltered, his breath did too, he could only hope Cole was too far below to not notice how much off-guard he managed to catch him—push him? He can stand still.
Cole was the one to break the silence, although his voice was quiet. “Hey.”
“What do you want?” Not that he needed to be nice to Cole but he could do better. If it was not for the absolute bewilderment that Cole was at his doorstep .
Either the cold was to blame or maybe Cole had enough courtesy to look sheepish – in any case, Kai wished to punch his stupid adorable face right there. And then punch himself for still fawning under his gaze after everything. Blast him and his adorable doe eyes and his perfectly built cheekbones and that stupid timid smile and– enough. Just… don’t.
“I wanted to thank you for the gift,” he called up, confidence returning to his voice. “I really appreciate it.”
Once again, Kai’s arms proved useless, and he saw himself plummeting to the ground from his window.
When Kai realised he was expected to answer, it didn’t go without stuttering. Not even the weather helped him keep his cool demeanour. “Yeah, it’s no biggie.”
From above, he watched Cole look around the deserted street until their eyes met again and Cole waved vaguely somewhere behind him.
“I, uh, got Mum’s car for birthday, you wanna stretch its wheels with me?”
“Like… Just the two of us?”
“Well, I’ve got a bottle of Jameson to third wheel for us if that counts.”
Kai sprung away from the window as if it was hot stove, which was, in his best assumption, for the better. Because if that conversation went on, he would most likely not be so lucky the third time his arms gave out. But they do say third time’s the charm and maybe if that did happen, maybe he could appear in a world where Cole would effortlessly catch him and flash his handsome smile and tell him it was all a horrible mistake and he had always– Yeah . He really had enough for tonight, the day was over. Why did he have to come now ?
And what on earth is he doing? Is he seriously putting on shoes to go on a ride with Cole Brookstone? His number one nightmare at the moment? The one that has been haunting and taunting his mind, the one he’s been trying to get over because they were not even friends anymore?
And there he goes, out of the door, rushing behind him, shouting, “Hey, I didn’t say no!” when he saw him lingering halfway back to his car.
He has to hire someone to make decisions for him, it’s blaring with urgency.
The faint flash of a smile that was quick to disappear from Cole’s face should’ve been enough of a sign that maybe he was just being polite. Then again, if he doesn’t care about Kai, why should Kai care about him?
With that dilemma settled, he replaced the bottle as the passenger in the shotgun and buckled himself in, whether or not this was what Cole was hoping for.
Soon enough they were seated side by side in silence not usual to them – before it couldn’t be considered awkward, before it would be their friend, before it was just one more thing special about their relationship. Before, before, before ; now it was a life-threatening enemy.
Reality changes, Kai should get used to it and just grow up .
Cole drove them through the city, which was, unlike the two of them, getting ready to sleep; to end yet another tiring day. The interior flashed with light in a steady rhythm as they kept passing the streetlights and, unable to bear the smothering quiet, Kai took it upon himself to open the bottle to take a sip, attempting to busy himself in some way because he had no steering wheel to clutch his hands onto.
“Seventh wheeling,” he blurted out, voice of reason tied up and buried somewhere so far, its muffled protests could not reach Kai’s brain anymore. “Actually, eighth.”
“Sorry?”
“You said it's third wheeling for us,” Kai waved the bottle and Cole spared him a glance, “but there are four wheels, the steering wheel, and us two, so it’s actually eighth wheeling. At this rate, we could be a lorry. So many wheels…” Hit the brakes. What is he doing? Why was it suddenly so difficult to be in Cole’s presence? He had to put all his might to not squirm in discomfort and shuffle every other second and fidget with anything that was not stuck in one place. All the while Cole seemed completely unperturbed.
Beside him, Cole raised an eyebrow, eyes fixed to the road but paying more attention to Kai. “Were you already drinking?”
“… No.”
“Ah, sorry.” His lips turned up and Kai wanted to do many things, exploding would offer the most solutions. “Were you baking ?”
Scoffing, Kai slouched in his seat. He scowled at the glove box, hugging the bottle to himself like a plushie. “It’s not my fault they put alcohol in the best recipes,” he grumbled.
The amusement in Cole’s understanding hum did not go unnoticed. Enough about Kai, swerve away. This night won’t go without a lot of regrets, which was ironic, considering Kai had nights with way more liquor behind him. Maybe he deserved another punch. Or a slap. Something to bring him back to his senses.
“You said this was your Mum's car? I've never seen it before…”
“Actually,” Cole hesitated, “you probably have.” When Kai turned to him, curious confusion hooking his attention, Cole gave him a sideways glance before readjusting his grip on the steering wheel.
Aha! He was not completely unperturbed!
He cleared his throat before explaining, “On the photos? In the album you gave me.”
He actually opened it?
Thank god Kai wasn't drinking at the moment.
“Where’d you get those, by the way?”
It was not a police interrogation but Cole might as well shine a lamp into his eyes and ask him about a murder with how it made Kai's hands quiver. At least the lamp was not a thing and it was dark for the most part. For once Kai had a reason to laud winter’s long and dim nights.
“Um… Remember when your Dad went on the cleaning craze and tried to get rid of most of your Mum's stuff without even talking to you about it?”
A flash of light. Another grip readjustment. “Yeah, I do.”
“I dunno, I just… I wasn't really thinking, I took the first thing I saw… I wanted to save something for you, you know? Turns out there was a film inside the camera, so, I had it developed and… I dunno, it felt like the right thing for your 18th birthday…” But maybe I shouldn't have waited this long to give it to you.
“It really–” The car slowed down and Cole turned to him, making Kai wish he was smaller. Way smaller. So miniscule, not even the best of microscopes would help Cole see him. Somehow he became bigger than the seat he occupied and all attention was on him .
“It means a lot. Honestly. I have no idea how to thank you.”
“As I said, it's no biggie,” Kai mumbled, attempting to wave him off, however, Cole would not turn his head away whatsoever and so Kai had to do it himself and he looked out of the window by his side. As if the January murk offered anything to see.
The following silence was not as bad as the previous but still carried some weight of unspoken words. So many unspoken words. Kai watched the houses pass, Cole focused on his driving.
This whole time Kai lived with the assumption that Cole was aimlessly driving around, until the route became too familiar. No need to guess, the familiar multistorey came into view, its purple neon decoration flickering in the night.
Kai was sure he could not get any more surprises but apparently tonight was about reviving old ties.
They drove through the same route so many times when they were younger, more often than not in Jay's Dad's beloved jalopy.
When the project was first set in motion, it promised an urban fantasy – a huge and modern shopping centre that would sure call for all’s attention, office buildings reserved for the most sophisticated clients, a square blooming with nature and a majestic mountain at its heart… – but of course, as usual, financial issues came like the high water and sunk the whole thing, leaving only the multistorey somewhat finished. Now it towered over the town on a hillock, surrounded by trees rather than a booming shopping centre.
However, it provided the perfect space for flea markets to thrive, creating the perfect dream world for Ed Walker. Sometimes they would accompany him, most times they stayed behind and played amongst the few cars on the roof.
It was to no surprise the sight made him smile, yet Kai was quick to hide it the moment he caught himself. Despite that, he did not bother keeping the, “Long time no see,” to himself.
“Dad’s old Mustang takes up the garage, so what better place could keep this one safe? I’ll have to ask him where he kept it all those years.”
It also came to no surprise when Cole took the effort to drive all the way up and park there. Where else?
Now, with no humming motor to somewhat fill their silence, Kai was more than eager to get out of this confined space but Cole stopped him before he could escape.
“You don’t have any jacket,” he stated, as if Kai was an unaware idiot.
“Yeah. So what? I’ve got a sweatshirt.”
“Do you even have anything under it?” How dare Kai understand his look without words? And how dare Cole remember things about him!
Kai squinted. “Of course I do.”
For some reason, Cole refused to buy it and he pulled off his own jumper before handing it to Kai. “Take it. Come on , I insist.”
Who is he to insist? Kai thought. Unfortunately, his eye roll went unseen because he put the jumper on at the same time. Kai had to admit that it was cold but he would never admit that maybe there was a slight chance the jumper warmed him up even before he got out of the car. Despite Cole wearing some cologne Kai did not recall smelling before, it still brought nostalgic comfort to his senses.
Who and why ever bestowed upon Kai this curse of the name Cole Brookstone?
Joining him by the edge of the roof, Kai got a better look – another proof that someone up there had a strong, unexplainable vendetta against him.
“Wow, look at you, Mr Fancy, going all out.” At least he got another sheepish look out of him. Cole looked down at his clothes before leaning against the wall.
“Uh, Dad took me out for dinner. To Peri’s.”
Kai let out a whistle as his eyebrows shot up. “Man, I could never forget their sweet potatoes.” Despite the unfortunate events that led to what was probably his first and only visit at Peri’s, it was one of his treasured memories. Especially because it was one of the last times he got to hang out with the armadons before they moved out. “Well? How did it go?”
Cole’s eyebrows furrowed a little before he replied, “It was fine. Weird, but fine.”
“Weird? Please tell me he wasn’t the entertainment for tonight.”
“No, no… We just haven’t really spoken since before winter break. He went on a tour during christmas and then we just… Nothing unusual. Except for tonight.”
“No way, he really left for Christmas? Again?”
Kai assumed the shrug was meant to seem flippant but that did not work with heavy shoulders. How much of that time could he have spent with Morro?
No. Don’t go there.
So instead, he mused, “The power of positive thinking,” and ignored the joyful feeling that he made Cole chuckle. He turned around, eyes glazing over the rather empty parking lot, over the additional shelters for the cars. Kai was busy watching the tiny smile that appeared on his lips to notice Cole turning back to him.
“Bet I can still jump the highest?” Cole raised the question. All Kai needed was a quick glance to the rest of the roof to recall what he might be referring to.
“You’re forgetting one important thing.”
“And what’s that?”
“I finally got my growth spurt. You’ve got no advantage now.”
“Well, you ’re also forgetting one unimportant little fact – you had your juice. Walk a straight line.”
“Fair argument. Then again you’re fresh out of Peri’s and I know you enough to assume you didn’t get just a salad.” Their eyes continued the conversation for them, each daring the other to make the first move when they ran in unison to the spot they claimed years ago with the rest.
There was a chimney next to one of the concrete shelters. The gap kept them out of cars’ way and the walls were perfect to mark their jumps. Unfortunately chalk could not handle the weather for so many years.
“Hold this.” Kai stuffed the bottle into Cole’s hands before he could respond and got ready to stretch to his full height. Then he jumped, arm reaching up – quite near the end of the chimney. Cole didn’t say anything, he simply passed the bottle back and mirrored Kai’s actions – and they reached basically the same spot, which made Kai huff in discontent. They both tried once more, only to end up with the same, even result.
“Looks like I can catch up even with your growth spurt .” Anything to wipe that smirk off his face.
“Catch up with this.” Returning the bottle, Kai became convinced this whole thing had to be a dream – why else would he decide to climb all the way up to the roof and how else would he be able to pull it off when he was drunk and doing this for the first time ever?
Being able to look down at Cole brought him some sense of victory, so he offered a cheeky grin.
“Your turn, Brookie.” Kai let him put the bottle into his held out hand, then he moved out of the way in case Cole managed to do the same thing as him. Which he did – but on the second try. So maybe someone up there had a little of their heart left.
Cole grumbled something under his breath before snatching the bottle now that he was finally able to drink as well. He took his sweet time, even wiped his mouth, before he admitted. “Fine, you win. This once .”
“Yeah, I’m the best, obviously.” Laying on his back, Kai groaned. “I feel sick.”
“Me too. This was such a stupid idea.”
Chuckling, Kai kept watching the night sky while watching Cole as he also laid down through peripheral vision. “If I got a penny every time one of us said that…”
“We could build a mansion out of them.”
“Dude, imagine that. A house made out of money. Now that’s a flex.”
When Cole’s laugh died out, the silence made space for Kai to come back to his senses at least somewhat. What did all of this mean? They were apart for too long to just drift back together, right? Or maybe it could be this easy. Maybe there was a chance the issue would just resolve itself and he would not have to move a muscle?
He should know better than this but it was a nice thought. If they can get comfortable again, can’t they just move on like nothing happened? What was the deal anyway, right?
No, what was he doing? This was not fair! Kai was supposed to heal and improve and become a better person and move on! And what does Cole do just when things are getting back up? He swoops in and – god knows how tonight ends – risks resetting Kai’s score.
“But what good is a mansion out of money when there’s no one to live in it?” Cole murmured. He looked away before Kai could turn to him. “Sorry, I don’t wanna be a bummer, I shouldn’t have said that out loud.”
“You could n—” Get it together. “You’re not a bummer. Honestly, that drive was one of the most exciting things I’ve done in a while.”
“Right.” For once, Kai had no idea what his tone meant. Never before did he so desperately want to see inside Cole’s head. He can’t just not acknowledge the elephant in the room, right? Or did he think he could just waltz in and Kai would forget everything? Not that he did not want to do just that but it would’ve been nice if Cole said something .
“I’m supposed to be an adult but I've never felt so lost before.”
“It’s not your fault, they were supposed to take care of us. Kind of difficult to be an adult when you had no role model. I mean, who are you supposed to go to when the people you trust with your whole life aren't there? It's never gonna be the same with someone else.”
“Right. Like, Jay's parents are fun and Mr Julien is a nice host but there's just stuff they can never understand.”
“Yup.” Kai sighed, eyes fixed on the sky again. “I dunno, sometimes I can't really even stand them. It just sucks seeing something I'll never have. And why? What did we ever do?”
“It’s on us not to make unfair things happen…” They shared a look. If life went, for once, without drastic twists, Kai would be laying in his bed instead of this roof, reminiscing about the happier moments of his past. In lieu of that he wound up next to Cole, recalling the dimmer parts.
Passing the bottle in silence, they each mulled the thoughts over in their own heads. The cold from the concrete tried to crawl under Kai’s skin but he forced himself to ignore it. Tried to ignore every time their fingers brushed when they passed the bottle. Tried to ignore how the closeness made his breath hitch and heart throb.
“It’s a shame you can't see many stars. Remember the camping trip with Wu? It was so long ago but I don't think I'll ever forget the night sky there.”
Just like that, Kai's tongue was let loose again before anyone could alert the authorities.
“I’m bisexual. I think.” He did not dare to move his head at all. His breath felt too loud, louder than his thoughts and then he felt Cole's hand find his but deep down he knew he wasn't reaching for the bottle. He did not dare to move by a hair.
And they held the bottle together.
His lungs burned with the cold air and he was sure he was going to end up messing up the bathroom but his legs kept the momentum and he continued running down the street. Everything was a blur as his mind remained back there.
Hovering around the corner where their ways split. This was not the first time they found themselves in a similar situation, except every other time before was the See you tomorrow kind, not the Goodbye kind that it was tonight.
Was this it? The final seal on what remained of their friendship? He was supposed to move on, to work on moving on but now that he stood there, all he wanted was to throw himself into Cole’s arms and beg forgiveness. Beg Cole to take him back, that he was going to be a better friend this time.
There were so many questions floating around in his head but his eyelids were too heavy to ponder about them, let alone voice any of them out loud. Was he supposed to say anything or just go home and hope that when he wakes up, none of this had happened and it was all a dream? Or did this mean everything will go back to normal as if the past few months never happened and the whole ordeal was a dream?
The cold got to him a long while ago, however, it was not the reason why he stood frozen in his spot. Based on the silence, Cole was doing the same.
Until he spoke.
“I don’t hate you.”
Kai had no recollection of turning around and yet he found himself staring into Cole’s eyes. Despite the harshness of the yellow light coming from the lamp which stood nearby, he kept looking at him.
“Sorry?”
“This morning you said you know I hate you but I don’t.” It was quiet enough for Kai to hear the shaky, deep breath he took. “I don’t hate you, I never did.” Cole made a step forward before forcing himself still again, almost recoiling back. “I, uh, said some awful things and I– I punched you and I’m so sorry I did all of that. You didn’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it. I never should’ve done that, you’re a good friend.”
“You think that?” Kai breathed. Nonexistent wind was hollering inside his ears.
Cole nodded. Were those tears listening in his eyes? No, Kai’s vision was probably impaired by some of his own. Or maybe it was snowing. That could be it.
“I’m sorry I made you think otherwise. I… fucked up, I didn’t control my frustration and took it all out on you.”
Kai’s mouth was moving before his brain could even boot up, as was his wont for most times – an especially inconvenient one for tonight, though.
“I’m sorry I brought up your Mum. That was way out of line.”
Looking away, Cole rubbed his arms. “I wasn’t at my best behaviour, it was kinda fair.”
“I mean, I wasn’t being exactly nice to you either, I get it. You’re right, I don’t know Morro like you do, maybe I should’ve heard you out first.”
Kai watched Cole stare at the ground. A few, tiny snowflakes did actually begin to dust the land and yet they remained standing there, as if the cold was not biting at their bones.
Then Cole raised his head back up. “People can change, right? Learn from their wrongdoings?”
“Well— I’d say it depends whether the person wants to change. Everyone can learn, right? So it’s on them whether they want to or not.” It was infuriating how difficult it was to read Cole. He couldn’t dissect what his gaze meant or what they were actually even talking about anymore. Was it this easy to forget all he learnt or did Cole get so good at masking his true intentions? He was usually an open book when they were together – but of course, that was before they fell out. Now he had no reason to be open with him about all the things that were going on in his head.
“You always saw the good in everyone,” Kai said then, keeping the second part to himself.
He broke into a run the moment he knew he was out of Cole’s sight. If he was cold before, his body was on fire now. Only when he got to his door and put all of his weight against it, only then did he realise the snow was falling on Cole’s jumper which he forgot to return.
His head ached, his body was too hot against the crisp air, but he sat down at his doorstep to catch his breath, hoping the sting in his eyes was because of the weather.
So why do you only see the bad in me?
Notes:
Okay, I'll do the note of shame. In my defence, it was definitely to build up anticipation. And I would never dare lie in an author's note, I'm a man of honour, of course!
Okay, I'm sorry :( It most likely will happen again but I am determined, you're not getting rid of me that easily! Cue the dilemma whether I end January here or provide some more Cole insight...
Chapter 7: intermezzo
Summary:
3 short stories: Stacy-Lee's talent show and how Kai and Cole snuck into a funfair haunted house
Notes:
We're not moving the story forward with this one, I'm sorry lads :(
Hello people, I bring you three shorties from this universe that I wrote during a monthly writing challenge I brought upon myself (for some reason). Sorry for no updates, I've been tinkering away at my stories in my head, tweaking some bits (I think I've got a lot figured out for this one!) but I've just been strugling with writing itself. There's a lot and I can't promise you anything. If the stars align and everything goes as it should, I'm free from May and I should be able to get back in an even fuller force! Maybe there'll be something more before that but it depends. Sorry. Like Frank Sinatra said - that's life. Ugh, I'm so mad about all this myself, I barely wrote anything in ages :(
Well, unfortunate news out of the way, I wish you all happy holidays whether you like it or not, the spirit of twinkling lights and wonderful homemade food be upon ye! Hope the new year will treat you all well :] <3
(the background gif is from https://chillcrafting.tumblr.com/)
Chapter Text
Twinkle, Twinkle
As music began to play, all the noise coming from the audience settled into silence. Stacy peeked from the side at the podium to see someone dance and run around in a tiger costume. Her eyes travelled over to the sea of people watching and she felt her stomach knot up.
Relax, she tried to soothe herself. Not that it did much. She knew that if she ever wanted to become a famous pianist like the ones Mum taught her about, she would eventually have to play in front of even larger audiences.
Well, that thought certainly did not help her ease up. The hand which she used to lead on the wall trembled and she balled it into a fist instead to make it stop. Just this morning, she was relaxed as ever.
Someone knocked into her and a head full of brown hair blocked her view. Before she could voice her frown out loud, another person stood close to her—by the looks of it a teacher, and her focus was on the brunet.
“Kai, you shouldn’t be here, this is just for the performers.”
The boy—Kai, apparently—glanced at the teacher only to show her his scowl. “But Misako, I can’t see sh… nothing from the stupid seats! We’re too far.”
“This isn't the solution for that. The kids here need to concentrate for their performances.”
The boy groaned and, Stacy thought, what a mean piece of work he was! Neither of them paid her any mind and she just decided to scoot out of their way when he turned to her.
“I’m not disrupting the performer—performers, isn’t that right?” he asked, eyes fixed on her. Stacy looked from his to the woman, who now watched her too, and shook her head, mouth shut. She did not want to get involved.
“You see? She doesn’t have a problem with me. Now shush, the best part’s about to be!”
The last thing Stacy heard was the woman’s sigh, she ran away from the two before she could hear her response. All the way to her piano she wondered, how come the boy could just speak down to an adult like that? Misako… didn’t Mum mention that name? They probably worked together. And in that case, Misako really was a teacher, which only made the boy’s behaviour all the ruder.
Whatever , she shook her head. That was none of her business; she had more important things to worry about. Like her own performance. She sat at the near end of the alphabet which gave her some time—which, in retrospect, was not as much of a bonus as she initially thought.
The performances slowly passed, kids came and went, and she still had to wait. Her fingers ghosted over the keys as she recalled how the song should go. She practised it for years, it should go well no matter what. But the longer she had to sit and wait, the more she got in over her head.
That was when she heard it—hissing, somewhere from behind. When she turned to follow the sound, she noticed a familiar and welcomed face near the staircase.
“Sammy!” she called, careful with the volume of her voice. She ran towards him and hugged him because the nerves were truly getting to her; the restless energy needed an output. He awkwardly patted her back and pulled away. “What are you doing here? Dad—”
“I told him I needed to go to the toilet,” he said, a playful grin overtaking his face. Seeing it, Stacy had to smile as well. “I don’t understand why we have to see the whole thing, some of these guys seriously suck.”
“Don’t say that!” she slapped his shoulder. “They’re really brave for doing this, you know?”
“Whatever, none of them are as good as you anyway.” That made the distressing knot inside her stomach ease into a bunch of butterflies. “It’s true,” he added, as if he could hear her thoughts.
“Why don’t you perform with me? I’m sure Mum would be only happier if you did.”
Sam shrugged. “Meh, not for me.” Reaching into the pockets of his sweatshirt, he pulled out a handful of bonbons. Yellow bonbons, the lemon ones she always liked but were kept too high on the shelf where she could not reach even with the help of a chair. He put them into her hands when all she could muster up was a bewildered stare.
“Dad was really distracted this morning,” he explained, grinning. “You can suck on them while playing, no one will be able to tell. I heard it’s good for nerves.”
“Really?”
He shrugged again. “Can’t hurt trying.”
Stacy nodded and put the bonbons in the deep pocket of her skirt. “Thanks, Sammy.”
“Don’t mention it, Lele.” He patted her shoulder. “Seriously, I don’t want to get in trouble.”
Then he had to run back before Dad could get worried about his prolonged absence. After that, Stacy-Lee sat back down in front of her piano and stared at the keys as if they were about to start waltzing around or something. She pulled out one of the bonbons and popped it into her mouth, the sour taste getting a smile out of her.
When her name was announced, some guys, one of which she recognised as their school caretaker, carried the piano to the podium and she stood in front of the many eyes in the clothes Mum helped her pick with a bunch of bonbons and empty wrappings sitting at the bottoms of her pockets.
Too aware of all the eyes, she bowed and sat down at her piano. Deep breath, fingers stretched and in their positions. They hovered another second just above the keys’ surfaces. Then she swallowed the lemon flavour and began playing.
She sat with most of her back to the audience, which turned out to be of great help—once she began the motions of the oh so familiar dance of her fingers, her memory of all the faces watching her faded away. Once again, she sat alone, only her and the instrument; only her and the music of her making.
In the end, when the last tone died out, the loud applause made her flinch. Remembering where she was, she stood up and bowed again before disappearing behind the curtain. Of course it all flew by fast after the murderous what felt like decades of waiting.
Nevertheless, she felt satisfied with her performance and could not fight back the smile, which only grew when she got reunited with her family again. She finally stopped shaking in Dad’s arms and she returned the mischievous smile Sam gave her from behind Dad’s back.
“What about lunch at Bep Viet, Lee? You can order anything, as they say, to your heart's content,” he murmured into her shoulder.
They did not go for lunch to Bep Viet. Once Mum joined them—which took quite the while because she had so much work with the talent show—she insisted on going to some restaurant called Peri’s. Apparently, a coworker recommended the place to her and even offered some discounts.
Through the ride to the restaurant, each of her parents tugged for her attention, otherwise the car rumbled in silence. Sam next to her fell quiet for some reason.
“You can order anything you’d like for a dessert, how about that, Stacy?” Mum watched her through the rear-view mirror.
“We didn’t go to a fancy restaurant when it was my birthday,” muttered Sam with crossed arms.
“You get whatever you want too, Sam,” Dad interjected. “Let’s all just have a nice time.”
Mum did not say much after that until they reached their destination.
Stacy watched some young man take the keys from her Dad and ride off with their car. The question must have been evident on her face because Dad patted her back to usher her towards the restaurant and explained that the man will return with their car once they walk out again.
The place was majestic and Stacy-Lee marvelled at the paintings hanging all around. There was also a piano! She wanted to get a closer look but got told that it is for performers who make entertainment for the restaurant’s customers. All the new things made her feel like she stepped into the door of a fantasy world.
While the experience so far swooped her off her feet, in the back of her head floated a thought that she preferred the familiarity of Bep Viet. They were regulars there, and she was allowed to call the owners by their names. Sometimes, when they were leaving, they would give her some sweets too. However, this grandiose building, although warm and cosy, felt colder than the intimate premises of her favourite restaurant.
The menus they received brought up another curiosity—they bore the image of a dog with the body of a monkey. She shook her head at that and began flipping through the list of various foods and drinks. Even the children's menu section felt a little too fancy for her liking.
“Look, cục cưng —” Dad leaned over the table to her, “—they have a lemon cheesecake for a dessert.”
Mum nudged him with her elbow, which made him straighten in his seat. “Let her pick a main course first, Tai.”
“Why does it matter what she chooses first?” Dad asked with a soft smile. He turned back to Stacy and spoke to her in Vietnamese, “ Just pick anything you want, little star. ” Then he turned to her brother. “What about you, Sam? Have you decided on anything yet?”
For some reason—and this happened always when they were outside—Mum huffed and set down her menu.
“Do you have to keep doing this in public?” she asked Dad.
“Keep doing what exactly? I’m just trying to make them comfortable, Anh, this is a big, flashy place. And Lee had already been under reflectors once today.”
Stacy kept her eyes travelling over the food titles. Under the table, she felt Sam’s knee bump into hers.
“We’d both like the lemon cheesecake,” he said. That made Stacy look at him—he has never been too keen on lemon flavour. He shook his head when Mum stood up, her moves deliberate.
“Excuse me for a second,” she said, leaving the table. The fact that she did not ask Stacy if she also did not happen to need to go to the toilet only made her more confused. She watched after her retreating form.
“The pasta salad sounds good,” Sam said nonchalantly. The two acted just like always but Stacy could not ignore the weird feeling settling in her gut; a different kind of knot than the one tying her stomach that morning.
Chasing Ghosts (Cole's version)
Cole didn’t like how everything seemed to be a thousand times louder at night. Especially when it was a night of sneaking into an amusement park. You know, testing the law like it was a curfew set by parents and not the government.
Part of him bubbled with excitement, though, not only because hanging out with Kai was in itself one of his favourite things but also because, despite the worries, doing something forbidden felt… freeing, in a way. Like tasting some new, great food or getting on top of another mountain and looking over the world below. Exploring was exciting and Cole loved to explore.
Even if it was a haunted house in the Mega Monster Amusement Park, it still counted.
But the grass could have been a little quieter. Or Kai’s voice. It cut through the night with the typical razor-sharp edge that was not as prominent when the world bustled with noise.
“What if somebody catches us?” he asked because he knew Kai would not laugh at him for being scared.
“Relax, I know the owner’s daughter.”
“You mean the girl from Chen’s who threatened to punch you in the face?” Even his own voice rumbled through the place—since when could he speak so loudly? Or was it all a play of his over-worried mind?
“Exactly.” Kai beamed, somehow bright even in the darkness, as per usual when it came to him. His sharp teeth were at display and Cole envied the stars the girl made appear in Kai’s eyes but then again, maybe if he was not a boring goody two-shoes scared of getting caught, his odds would have been a little better.
“She’s so fucking cool, isn’t she?”
“I guess,” Cole muttered, glad Kai turned back to look ahead so he would not see his sour face.
On one hand, he could be grateful because the new subject of their conversation made him tune out his nerves. Both the excited and concerned ones.
“What do you mean you guess? She’s the noodle princess, that must be so awesome. You of all people should be excited about that!”
“I dunno, having famous people for parents isn’t really fun all the time. Maybe she’s sick of the noodles.”
Kai looked back at him and Cole wanted to punch himself in the face for dampening the mood.
“Right,” Kai muttered, his eyes fleeing to the ground for a moment before he looked back up and brought back his smile. “Well, then maybe it’s time for a prince to come to the rescue.”
“She doesn’t even talk to you,” said Cole because he knew that would put that particular conversation to an end as usual. And just as he predicted, Kai pressed his lips together.
“That doesn’t matter,” he brushed it off. “‘Cause everyone is naturally hardwired to love me, some people just have a hard time accepting it.” He flashed a shark-like grin. “I was born to be awesome.”
“Not nearly as awesome as me!”
Instead of answering, Kai pushed Cole and ran for the haunted house. Cole was quick to follow him and they chased each other to the attraction, trying and failing to quiet their giggles. Especially when Kai tripped and face-planted into the dusty ground. Cole was still doubling over in the poorly muted laughter when the pouty brunet reached him.
“It’s all over your hair, how did you even manage that?”
Rolling his eyes, Kai kept glaring as Cole brushed some of the dust from his hair but the mischievous spark never left his eyes. He patiently waited for Cole to finish dusting him off before grabbing his hand and pulling him up the stairs to the house. Because of the metal ground, their steps rang like church bells but Cole felt more relaxed by then.
At least in his head; his heart beat fast and he could hear it just as clearly, also his wild breath made his chest flutter more than necessary.
“That was some exercise, now for some exorcise,” Kai joked, almost jumping on his toes. Cole could not decide between groaning and laughing.
“Are we doing this just for that joke?”
“No…” Stopping just in front of the entrance, Kai let go of his hand and turned to him, almost with ceremonial seriousness. “Look, we’re not far from high school and the kids there, they do some crazy things all the time. I say we gotta start with it now so we are cool before we even graduate elementary.”
“So while they drink and smoke and party, we sneak into a haunted house that everyone knows is not haunted at all.”
“We’re trespassing,” Kai stage-whispered. “That’s kind of a big deal. Plus, one may never know… ghosts can exist.”
“They don't. You know I grew out of that.”
“Yeah, the fear.” Kai waved his arms around. “But things can exist.
“If they do, I don’t think any will be here.”
Shrugging, Kai pushed open the door. “Never say never, Brookie, remember that.”
“But that’s about motivation, not ghost hunting!” Cole called after him, then lowered his voice and rather followed Kai inside. “You didn’t say anything about ghost hunting!” He almost winced at the crack of his voice. So maybe he didn’t entirely grow out of that fear but he couldn’t have Kai know that—Kai wasn’t afraid of the supernatural like him. He was of rational mind, which Cole sometimes envied because it made things seem easy; to be able to see the world as it was.
Inside, where not even the glow of the moon could reach, was pitch-black. Upon entering, Cole immediately grabbed Kai’s shoulder so as to not lose him right at the start. They almost tripped over each other as they groped for the walls to orient themselves somehow. When they turned a corner, some faint white glow waited by the walls but even then they were lost in darkness and could barely even see each other despite their bodies pressing together.
“Do you think the scares work even during the night?” Kai whispered, his voice actually quiet this time.
“Don’t they need the power for that?” He felt Kai shrug.
Something about the closed, dark space made them both fall silent. It was way different from the outside, although Cole could not exactly pinpoint why. It was the same for the most part: dark, quiet, illegal… Maybe just the walls made their world seem smaller.
Cole hoped his breath or heart weren’t too loud. Kai’s hand on his shoulder provided warmth like one of those pocket heat pads. Overall the air inside there was almost stale and warmer than outside, and it only made everything nag on him more. Even though they did not encounter any skeletons or other monsters, the atmosphere was definitely unsettling nevertheless.
“This is more disappointing than I thought,” Kai muttered, the disappointment reflecting in the flatter tone of his voice. Cole wished he could make it more exciting. Even he expected more adventure but once they entered the house, the adrenaline flatlined.
“Now I wish there were ghosts,” he replied and Kai hummed in agreement. He also probably nodded but that was difficult to tell.
They kept stumbling through the walls and rooms at a snail’s pace, too far to remember the way back so they could not even call it quits early on. Their backs straightened and their grips relaxed more and more as time passed and the weight of the atmosphere became underwhelming. The air remained uncomfortable but it lost its unsettling taste.
When they passed through some door that was meant to simulate the feel of walking through a giant cobweb, Kai nudged his side several times as if Cole could not see the skeleton facing them.
“Dude look, he has those glowy rings!”
“Yeah…” Cole wondered if they usually had that, as he did not have many experiences with the haunted house when there was a loud thud and some lights turned on along with the usual jingle he did recall from that place.
“What the fuck?” Kai exclaimed, his grip on Cole’s shoulder tightening again.
“How did that happen?”
“What do I know!”
“Did you plan this?” While Cole did not want to jump right to accusing Kai, it was the only logical explanation he could muster up from remembering everything they talked about surrounding this rite-of-passage-esque trespassing night.
“No! I swear I have no idea how that happened.”
“All right…” Cole breathed out, more so for himself. Part of him wanted to believe it was Kai’s attempt to freak him out but he learnt to recognise the sincerity in Kai’s voice. “Maybe we just accidentally pressed something, it’s not a big deal probably.”
“You’re right.” The wan light made Kai look ghostly pale. It probably did the same to Cole as well.
They tried to move on, their walk going faster now that they could see better where they were going but the equally dark walls and ground and ceiling made it difficult to tell where they were going. As much as he did not want to admit it, the quiet tune made shivers run down Cole’s spine. It was not as piercing as their voices once were.
B E A F R A I D .
B E V E R Y A F R A I D . a deep, booming voice spoke as if all around them and this time even Cole clutched Kai’s shoulder like a lifeline. Their breaths could not be heard as they held them.
“Okay, seriously,” Cole got out. “What on earth is happening?”
N A U G H T Y B O Y S ,
P R E P A R E T O F A C E
T H E C O N S E Q U E N C E S O F
Y O U R A C T I O N S .
“Did you tell anyone about our plans?” Kai whispered and Cole thought he never ever heard him speak with such a little voice ever before.
“I honestly didn’t.” This time he could see Kai nod. He could also see the way his face was tense and his wide eyes surveyed the area expecting someone to appear anywhere. Kai’s hand found his and he pulled him forward through the narrow halls, looking all around.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to get you in trouble,” he said with probably the most sincerity Cole heard in quite a while. It was as sincere as the time when Kai walked up to him and tried to become friends.
“That’s all right,” Cole replied, quite surprised at the calmness in his own words. To be fair, all the muscles in his body were tense in anticipation and breathing became more challenging but his mind felt less panicked than usual. “I sorta got myself in trouble by being friends with you.” He was glad to have gotten a chuckle out of Kai.
“I’m all-inclusive.”
Just as he contemplated making another joke, a white, shapeless figure appeared by their side, groaning and wailing. Their screams mixed into one and with how hard they squeezed each other’s hands, they probably became one as well. Kai pushed Cole in front of himself and yelled for him to run, which was not even that necessary because Cole’s legs were doing so on their own.
Despite their lungs being split between two labouring tasks, they somewhat managed to weave through the thin space and forward, away from the strange being.
No way did ghosts actually exist.
Then again, his fear would be justifiable.
They came across an intersection. Lucky for them, they did not have to decide because in one of the possible ways appeared a second shapeless being, also wailing and groaning, their faces melting. Unlucky for them, the danger doubled.
With more screams that felt foreign as if somebody else let them out, they ran for the exit. The run felt endless in the way that time felt like it stopped, rather than it stretched on endlessly. As if they ran through a jar of honey frozen in a freezer.
It took a while to realise they reached the way out, that the air became cold and fresh again, that there were no more walls holding them. But a glance back towards the entrance did not help at all—the white blobs followed them out.
“Run, run, run!” Kai yelled, pushing Cole forward, down the stairs, away from the haunted house, away from the park. They ran and ran and ran even long after leaving the amusement park, even when they could not even see it any more. They ran and ran, hearts beating like a herd of horses in each of their chests. Their fingers intertwined again and while it did help, they did not manage to fall asleep that night and they kept all the lights on in Kai’s house.
Back at the park, the two white, shapeless blobs erupted into laughter. They shed their skins—white sheets with painted-on faces with a phosphorescent paint.
Jay could barely get out a praise from between his wheezing as he wiped away the tears of joy. Nya could barely get out a thanks.
The Phantom of the Haunted House (Kai's version)
Kai looked around the tall, looming shadows of buildings, unable to contain his grin. His heart had been pounding since they got over the fencing and it only stretched his facial muscles more and more. He wasn’t sure what was more exciting—the joy of doing something forbidden or Cole deciding to tag along.
Taking risks always fueled him with this feeling but lately he found himself even more fascinated by testing Cole’s limits. Carefully, of course, he did not want to ruin anything. Just carefully balancing on the edge, that awakened something in his brain.
Noticing Cole’s unease with every noise, he kept on talking just loud enough so that he would not give them away. The unusual shapes of the attractions made for an interesting scenery just right for the scary atmosphere of a Halloween night.
“What if somebody catches us?” Cole asked, his voice giving away the feelings he tried not to show on his face.
Kai patted his shoulder. “Relax, I know the owner’s daughter.”
“You mean the girl from Chen’s who threatened to punch you in the face?”
His words only made Kai smile brighter. Not only did he enjoy that memory of them visiting Chen’s because it was a great day overall and Skylor was intriguing on her own, but also because it was one of the things that made Cole super reactive like an upset chemical. He began hissing and crackling and sizzling and if he were a cat, his nails would come out all sharp and his fur would stand up.
Honestly, he did not understand what Cole had against the girl; she was fierce, funny, and she worked at Chen’s and sometimes snuck them a free treat since they befriended her. But every time Kai would bring her up, Cole would get all gloomy like the sky in October.
“Exactly! She’s so fucking cool, isn’t she?”
“I guess,” Cole muttered to Kai’s delight. He didn’t want to bring his best friend’s mood down but it was fascinating how little he needed to reveal this usually hidden side of Cole. The not-so-nice and kind side of Cole. Most times he was nice about everybody and everything unless they were objectively a terrible person.
“What do you mean you guess? She’s the noodle princess, that must be awesome. You of all people should be excited about that!”
“I dunno, having famous people for parents isn’t really fun all the time. Maybe she’s sick of the noodles.”
Oh.
That he did not want to poke and prod.
Kai turned back to him just in time to see Cole try and hide the sadness in his eyes. That was not a fun side to tease, that was something he wanted to aid but being a good person didn’t come to Kai as naturally as it did to Cole.
Of course, he ruined it again with his inability to remember limits; to think of others.
“Right,” he murmured, really wishing he could find anything to undo his stupid, reckless mistake. He tried to offer a smile, that sometimes seemed to work at least a little. “Well, then maybe it’s time for a prince to come to the rescue.”
Oh yeah, shoo away the dragon unrightfully calling himself Father. Probably the only person in the whole world that failed to see all the wonderful things and potential in Cole. Until Lou turned into a ghost of a parent, Kai thought it was impossible for anyone to not think so highly of Cole.
“She doesn’t even talk to you,” Cole argued. Right. They were still talking about her.
“That doesn't matter.” Kai waved his hands, dismissing everything. They were too busy being caught up in this conversation to his liking. Adventure awaited. “‘Cause everyone is naturally hardwired to love me, some people just have a hard time accepting it.” Would it work? “I was born to be awesome!”
“Not nearly as awesome as me!” It worked!
Glad to turn the excitement back up, Kai pushed Cole before he turned and began sprinting towards the haunted house. He could hear Cole’s footsteps as he chased him and laughter escaped his mouth, barely contained to a low volume. He kept glancing back to see Cole’s smiley face, but what he failed to see was something on the ground—a rock, probably?—and he tripped over it, of course.
While he had enough fun inhaling dust and wheezing on the ground like a dead fish, Cole passed him and reached the house, shaking from all the laughter he could not mute.
Dusting himself off (probably uselessly, it was hard to say when they could see practically in black and a little less black), Kai walked the last part, putting all effort into the frown he aimed at Cole. Unfortunately for him, Cole was busy laughing at him .
“Ha-ha,” Kai deadpanned and threw up his hands. “Are you done now?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m done,” Cole managed to get through. After he wiped his eyes, he moved to wipe the dust off Kai. “It’s all over your hair, how did you even manage that?” he murmured almost absent-mindedly, his fingers disrupting the purposeful chaos of Kai’s hair.
At first, he kept the frown up for the sake of it, but seeing as it made Cole lose his fight with laughter, his intentions shifted until even he felt like laughing again.
Then, impatient to get to the actual big deal, he grabbed Cole’s hand and led him up the stairs, to the entrance into the haunted house. He wondered if Cole could feel the electricity surging through his veins.
“Well, that was for some exercise, now let’s get to the exorcise!”
“Are we doing this just for that joke?” Cole complained but Kai could sense there was more enjoyment than he let on.
However, he did sort of, technically read Kai like an open book. The joke did spark the whole idea.
“No…” He let go of his hand, afraid Cole could guess anything thanks to the contact, and instead leaned into his theatrics to distract him. “Look, we’re not far from high school and the kids there—they do some crazy things all the time. I say we gotta start with it now so we are cool before we even finish elementary.”
“So…” Oh no, not those sceptical eyes with raised eyebrows. “While they drink and smoke and party all night, we sneak into a haunted house in an amusement park… that’s clearly not haunted at all.”
“We’re trespassing ,” Kai defended. “That’s kind of a big deal. Plus, one may never know… ghosts can exist.” And to underline his point, Kai pointed aggressively to the building awaiting them.
“They don’t. You know I grew out of that.” He might have.
“Yeah, the fear.” The energy kept bubbling away inside of him and Kai could not relax. “But things can exist.”
“If they do, I don’t think any will be here.”
“If I was a host, I would hide in plain sight.” Kai shrugged before finally opening the door for them to enter. He gave Cole one last look. “Never say never, Brookie, remember that.”
Then he stepped in and got swallowed by pitch-black darkness. Cole’s voice reached him in there, “But that’s about motivation, not ghost hunting!” A few loud and fast footsteps and Kai could feel Cole’s hand grip his shoulder. “You didn’t say anything about ghost hunting!”
His touch was warmer than the weather outside and it made him push through the inky hallways with more confidence than he first imagined upon entering. At the very beginning, the corridor gave them some space but just after the first turn, his sides were brushing against the walls and Cole’s breath tickled the nape of his neck.
He did not allow his excitement to waver.
Up on the ceiling they could see here and there blobs of what couldn’t even be considered light from phosphorescent paint. After another turn, the ground shimmered with a faint white glow that at least made walking a little easier.
The silence made all Kai’s hair rise. Even Cole did not utter a word, not a single complaint. He did not even hum a song. Had it not been for the contact, Kai would think he was walking alone.
Until their footsteps joined some other noise. It sounded similar, only quieter and faster, as if the walls were filled with rummaging rodents.
Conscious of Cole’s hand laying on his shoulder, Kai interpreted the feeling in his chest for more thrill than any sort of worry whatsoever.
“Do you think the scares work even during the night?” His own voice was unnaturally quiet but that had to be due to the nature of the place, right?
“Don’t they need power for that?”
Kai shrugged—that always came easily. Just shrug everything away. Why bother trying to understand something when you could just roll with it?
After they made a few more turns, Kai finally huffed.
“This is more disappointing than I thought.”
“Now I wish there were ghosts,” Cole said and it was something they both could agree on.
What seemed like a perfect act of mischief turned out to be a snooze fest of dawdling through dark corridors like a couple of old snails, anxious for absolutely nothing. No one even seemed to notice that two youngsters sneaked onto the private property, so they did not even have the law to run from. So much for testing the spirits and the police.
The frowsty darkness lost all of its spark. Now all Kia wanted was to bring Cole back home and watch scary movies with him. Kai was the authority in his house, so they could watch anything.
After they passed through what seemed to pretend to be a giant cobweb, more glow caught Kai’s eye. This time it had colours, it was in the form of bracelets and it came from a skeleton on the opposite wall. He wasn’t entirely sure how exciting that should be but Kai guessed they should not have those. He nudged Cole and pointed until he realised the futility of his action.
“Dude look, he has those glowy rings!”
“Yeah…” So maybe it was not all that exciting?
Kai flinched and held tight Cole’s shoulder upon hearing a loud thud that rumbled through the dead-quiet place. Then the lights came to life and whisper of a tune sounded from all around them.
“What the fuck?”
“How did that happen?”
“What do I know!” Their voices raised with the new noise.
“Did you plan this?” Ironically, what scared Kai the most was the accusation in Cole’s words. The last thing he wanted was to lose Cole’s trust, especially because of some unknown force. The only person he confided in about this was Cole and that was all in the safety of his own house.
“No! I swear I have no idea how that happened!”
“All right… Maybe— maybe we just accidentally pressed something, it’s not a big deal probably.”
That right there was what Kai secretly admired but also envied about Cole. His rational mind. He did not jump to conclusions, he reasoned before freaking out and doing something stupid and impulsive. Good thing he at least had him by his side.
“You’re right.”
They walked side by side everywhere they could, their speed picked up but neither commented on it. Not even on the way their bodies felt stiff and hearts beat faster than usual. With more guiding light, it was easier to pass through but somehow scarier.
B E A F R A I D .
B E V E R Y A F R A I D . an incredibly deep voice rumbled all around like the voice of Master speaking through thundering clouds. Kai felt the squeeze of Cole’s hand and he could only guess Cole felt the same thing.
“Okay, seriously,” Cole whispered, voice tight with fear “What on earth is happening?”
N A U G H T Y B O Y S ,
P R E P A R E T O F A C E
T H E C O N S E Q U E N C E S
O F Y O U R A C T I O N S .
“Did you tell anyone about our plans?” He did not like accusing Cole but at least he made them even. Also it was the only reasonable explanation he could muster up with his useless brain.
“I honestly didn’t.” Kai nodded, knowing Cole well enough to recognise when he lies and when he does not. He found his hand and pulled him through the halls as fast as he could.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to get you in trouble.”
Yes, he did entertain the idea of getting into trouble, maybe getting chased by some guards, but the reality of pulling Cole with him down onto the rock bottom made him sick.
“That’s all right.” Cole’s sincerity made Kai’s eyes sting with tears. At least the darkness hid them well. “I sorta got myself in trouble by being friends with you.” That made Kai laugh despite himself or their current predicament.
“I’m all-inclusive,” he joked back.
Just then a white blob with weeping eyes appeared by their side, wailing and groaning, making Kai’s lungs give out for a split second before they got ripped apart by his own sudden scream.
Kai squeezed Cole’s hand tight and forced him into the front, so he could push him forward and give him a head start if necessary. Let him escape first if necessary.
“Run, run, run!”
Before any dread could seep in upon spotting an intersection, another wailing, ghostly being made an appearance and sent them into some direction. Whether right or wrong, that would decide on their fates, most likely.
Somebody was screaming but Kai could not pinpoint which one of the four it was. No way that was his voice. He could not be yelling like a little girl in front—or behind, currently—of Cole.
For how much they’ve run, they did not seem to make any progress whatsoever to the point of Kai’s screaming taking on a frustrated note.
Only after they stumbled several steps away from the haunted house did they both realise their freedom. Or at least temporary, now they had to get out of the property before they would ruin everything by celebrating early.
Of course, one glance back and they found the monsters hunting them even outside the house’s walls.
“Run, run, run, run!” Kai urged again, pushing Cole back into movement. He pushed him every time he wavered and he kept glancing back, even when they were far, far from the park. He kept his ears pierced for any sign of danger but after a while it was just their own noise against the silent city.
They finally slowed down when they made it to Kai’s street.
Panting, Cole somehow still had it in him to tease, “Was that cool enough for you?”
Kai frowned, trying to decipher what exactly his words meant. With his nerves being on high alert and all over the place, he couldn’t read him as well.
“Yeah, yep. Cool for days,” he breathed out.
And they were cool for days. Shivers ran down their spines even the next week after that failed adventure.
Chapter 8: Part #7
Summary:
Who's going to explain the chapter when the character's can't (or won't) even explain themselves?
Chapter Text
Spending lunch with Kai and his friends became a part of the routine called life Stacy-Lee looked forward to. What a shame it made everything taste bitter with guilt. It didn’t keep her away like a barbed wire atop an electric fence covered in keep out signs—she kept drifting there every time anyway because bitterness, while not the most pleasant of tastes, was still a taste and a taste was always better than nothing at all.
When she went to sit down with Kai and Nya, she expected him to start gushing about another one of his small but proud achievements. Only to pull a 180° once they got outside, where he would grumble all the way to wherever they were going.
This time he sat still like a statue of a hawk. She should’ve guessed what—or rather who —his target was before she followed his intense stare. Nya looked at her with enough disappointment for them both.
“He’s been like this the whole day,” she muttered, pushing her food around the plate.
“Ten baby steps forward and one giant leap back, I guess, huh?”
“More like you can’t unburn what’s been burnt.”
Kai ignored them through the whole conversation. For a moment she wondered if he actually was replaced by a statue, but felt ridiculous for such thoughts. She wanted to pull him in, except no ideas of words came in time.
He then straightened his back, neatened the lone pile of spinach on his plate, picked up his tray and left. Nya groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose as if mad at herself. She grumbled an answer before Stacy could even question her.
“ Cole eats spinach.”
“I don’t understand, what did I miss?”
Nya shrugged and that was the end of the conversation. The two, instead of bothering with the food while it was still warm, watched Kai approach the table Cole sat at. The one littered with everyone who decided Morro offered better company than any actual human being. Not once did she see the appeal, no matter how far their cackles echoed.
Stacy wondered if she should maybe try to prevent whatever was about to happen from happening, but Nya sat still in her seat and so she did too.
Kai said something, which had every head at the table turn their attention to him. He lingered for a moment until he left with a much more uplifted mood than Stacy-Lee could have ever expected.
“Well, there sure is a story,” Nya quipped, turning her attention to Stacy. “Could you retell it to me later? I promised I’d wait for Jay.”
She also believed there was a story to tell, but Kai did not seem keen on narrating anything, let alone his thoughts. However, his stride stomped the confidence it once used to when all she saw of him were glimpses in hallways. She had to know, no matter how many cats got killed.
She tried to reel him back in before he could get out of her sight in one of those giant leaps,
“You mind explaining what was that back there?”
“ Oooh , dear Stacy, this was the best lunch in months.”
“How come? Was this part of your amends mission?”
“Nope. There are no more amends necessary ‘cause I just cracked the case.” He stretched his fingers, so pleased with himself he towered over her like a lighthouse with a disco ball for the bulb. “Morro is what’s always been wrong. This whole thing? Morro’s doing, and Cole and I are getting back together. Friendship style.” He took one glance at her confused face and began explaining. Or began saying things he deemed explanatory but only confused Stacy-Lee further.
“Cole likes spinach. Weirdo. Would always take it without asking. So I went over there and offered it to him. And you know what he did? The first thing he did? He looked at Morro . So, case closed.”
She stopped in her tracks, making Kai stand still also.
“Okay, what exactly is the case you’re solving?”
“Don’t you get it, Stace?” He stepped closer. Maybe it was because she didn’t know him for that long and in such detail—or maybe there really was something off about all this newfound excitement. Maybe she just saw what she wanted to see. “It was all Morro . He’s the zombie-ant fungus! Nothing Cole did was his own choice. He was probably manipulated or blackmailed or something, but the point is, Morro is the puppet master!”
“You seem convinced…”
“He looked at him , Stace. Why would he look at him? He never looked at his dad when we went out for ice cream, but now he needs Morro to answer a yes or no question for him?”
“Okay, well,” she fumbled with her skirt, “there are several conclusions we could jump to…”
“I’m not jumping to conclusions.” He retreated, crossed his arms.
“Hate to break it to you, but you are . He could’ve been looking at him not for help with the question but with you .”
Kai shook his head. Stacy tried not to let the phone vibrating in her pocket get into her mix of emotions.
“How are you so sure ?”
“ Because— ” As if someone hit a pause button on him, he chewed on the inside of his cheek, looking around as if he could find the right words passing by on the sidewalk. “I… have good reasons to believe Cole never wanted to stop being friends with me in the first place.”
“Reasons?” She couldn’t let him get away with a nod. “What reasons?”
“Good reasons.”
“Which are…?”
“Confidential.”
“Why?”
He chewed on his cheek some more, eyes shifting until he froze. His jacket crumpled up as his fingers dug into his arms. “Okay, fine.” She thought he relaxed until he grasped her shoulders with a firm hold that didn’t have the word ‘relaxed’ in its dictionary. It spread something heavy on her shoulders besides the warmth. “But you can’t tell anyone , okay? This is between you and me ‘cause Nya will not give me a space to breathe.”
“… Okay.” She looked between his eyes which seemed stuck elsewhere instead of where they stood. At least his hands loosened, if nothing else. “Is it that bad?”
“We’ve sorta…” Kai cleared his throat. “We hung out the other day and, well, words happened and he apologised and I apologised.” Then he sprung away from her like one would from a hot stove (which was ironic, considering how close he was to actual steaming). The disco ball spun just as fast if not more than his inner world. “Which means he regrets all that happened. It must! And since we both said our sorry’s there’s nothing standing between us except Morro. And getting rid of him will be no problem, I’m an expert by now.”
“Kai, let’s—” She suppressed a groan when her phone tickled her with its trill once again. “You need to take a breath and a step back.” And to illustrate, she held out her palms as if trying to back a frenzied lion into its cage. “Whatever ideas you’re having you have to remember that there are other possible explanations for this.”
His knuckles turned white as his fists grasped on an imaginary rope. You can’t stay afloat holding onto an imaginary rope. No one can’t. She can’t.
“Why are you so insistent ? All I need to do is confront that little slug and things will go back to normal!”
She scolded her heart for skipping on the imaginary rope.
“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up and let them get crushed again,” she pleaded, which at last caught his attention. Sometimes a candid worm eclipsed a spoon lure. “It would be great if things were this easy, I’d be so happy for you, but you can’t see clearly through smudged windows.”
“But Stace—”
“Do me a favour.” She pushed at his chest, gentle despite the urgency vibrating in the pocket of her skirt. “Go home, don’t contact or think about Morro and I’ll call you as soon as I’m done with piano, yeah?” She kept on pushing until he began moving on his own.
He groaned. “Okay, okay, fine! I get it.”
“Please don’t do anything stupid. We’ll talk it out then, yeah?”
“I won’t do anything stupid,” he mumbled like a reluctant soldier. Not forgetting his usual farewell bow he did because it made her chuckle on most days, Kai turned his back on the corner of the street from which she tried to shoo him away. Watching after him and noticing the lack of the previous intensity with which he slammed his feet on the concrete—might have let it out along with the steam—she sighed. Although she believed his agreement, worry was a guest that left on her own terms.
At last, she pulled out her incessant phone and lit it up.
No one with their right mind would let a disco ball navigate them to a safe shore. It didn’t matter. If a disco ball could still glitter, that meant there was still light somewhere and potential light was always better than complete darkness.
Cole drifted away from the simplicity of the noise Morro and the rest produced, called by Harper’s quiet presence at an otherwise vacant pool table.
He never spoke much with anyone else besides Morro. Never found a solid middle ground to step onto and never bothered to. Bansha, and Archer, and Ghoultar, they were all… so loud and chaotic. Which was sort of ironic considering Kai was his best friend.
Was.
It shouldn't sting. Or maybe it should.
He also never spoke directly with Harper, who was the quietest of the bunch and therefore intrigued Cole the most. Somehow, despite always lurking in the back, offering a profanity-ridden quip every now and then, he never turned into a ghost. Morro never failed to notice his absence. A trait that didn’t seem to transfer to Cole.
He wanted to wonder if… somebody else noticed his absence. But he shook his head and instead said,
“Hey, can I play?”
Harper turned away from the pool balls he arranged for no one in particular and considered Cole through the smoke trailing from his cigarette. Then he outstretched his hand with the cue stick to him, but when Cole took it, he made no effort to fetch another one. After putting away the rack he just leaned against the table and observed Cole.
So he held his tongue back, even as the thought, ‘Yeah, this was a stupid idea’ tried to come to the surface and did what he watched the others do. He knew the rules—or at least hoped those were the right rules—only thanks to the phone game he and Jay used to play instead of actual texting.
Never did he dare to ask to join when the rest played because he didn’t want to risk getting torn to pieces by them. Bansha never heard of the word sympathy, Archer and Ghoultar would abuse every weakness to win, and Morro didn’t care who was being made fun of, he laughed at any joke.
Harper was just like that breakshot. He had no clue what would lead where until something got sunk.
No reaction came from him even when Cole managed to not hit anything. He just reached for the cue and Cole passed it. He could get used to this, even as the ruckus from the booth he left kept tapping on his shoulder.
As they watched the balls bounce from one side of the table to another, Harper finally opened his mouth for something else than his cigarette.
“So, Brookstone… you serious ‘bout Morro?”
Cole blinked at him. Harper did not allow him to see his face as he bent down again.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“What’s that to you?”
The balls clashed but neither of them flinched. Straightening up, Harper blew out smoke in a long sigh before shrugging.
“Nothing, you’re right.” Although he offered the cue to Cole, he didn’t let go. Even as Cole tried to tug a little. “Just figured you’d like to vent some frustrations. Everybody likes to now and then, no?”
“I’m good, thanks.” Cole tugged with more force until Harper let him have it. With a wary look, he turned to the game and tried to aim better this time. Except Harper stood close. Too close. And Cole did not need to look up to know he stared at him with that unnerving look. As if he possessed some knowledge Cole didn’t and revelled in that.
And just as he went to shoot—
“So he satisfies all your needs?”
This time Cole did flinch—maybe it was for the better, considering he also did hit other balls than just the white one.
“Excuse me?”
How could he act so nonchalant even as their bodies brushed when it sent shivers down Cole’s spine? At least he stayed in his place while Cole walked at normal speed around the table to get better access to the white ball, thanking it in his mind for stopping so far away.
And Harper just shrugged . Again. Puffing out smoke like cold breath.
“I was just wondering—and it’s none of my business, sure—but I couldn’t fail to notice that you never showed up at the party dedicated to you .”
Frowning and looking away from the observant smoker, Cole let the urge to defend himself lead, “I told Morro several times I was having dinner with my dad.”
“The whole night?” Every glance Cole dared to spare kept getting him burnt. From casual shrugs to wordless stares to quirked up pierced eyebrows, all the gestures claimed to be friends with peace while holding a blade to Cole’s throat.
Or was he overreacting?
He didn’t understand either of the stupid games they were playing. The others at least made their malice obvious. Because that was the only trait the majority of them possessed.
He could be overreacting. His conscience being itched a little too close to the epicentre.
“Must’ve been a feast then.”
“So I was tired, so what?” Cole snapped before shutting his mouth with such force it hurt his teeth. Swallowing and taking a steady breath, he handed Harper the cue over the entire length of the table. Let him think what he wants to, Cole couldn’t be bothered to make any sense of it anymore. He needed to kick the need to defend himself out of the driver’s seat before it could drive him off a bridge.
Whatever remark he could try to use to stop Harper from digging deeper under his skin, he could bet his next answer would be along the lines of, ‘Yeah, you’re right, why should I care?’. For someone who Cole barely ever heard speak, he became predictable in a few sentences.
Restoring the silence which Cole couldn’t even recall how or why it ever seemed appealing, Harper devoted all his focus towards the game Cole surely lost before it even began.
Biting his lip, he did… He had to admit that if anybody could have answers to his wonders, it would be the guy that stood aside and watched. As much as he hated the idea of that, sort of. He did not want to be subject to Harper’s scrutiny, but he did want to at least check out the fruit it could bear. Selfishness was not an unknown tendency to him.
And as he watched him play with skill he could only envy, the sandstorm seemed to settle like dust.
He always rushed to judge. Kai called him out on it. Morro did too. After all, Kai also seemed like an annoying kid that wouldn’t let him draw in peace and Morro like a one-dimensional villain who never heard of deeper emotions.
Cole cleared his throat and dared to step onto something he assumed to be a middle ground—one he hopefully didn’t break with the pebble he tossed. And which hopefully wasn’t as see-through as he worried.
“Did, uh, others notice? That I didn’t show up?”
Harper came back alive with the conversation.
“You mean Morro?” Although Cole made sure not to give him an answer, Harper acted like he got one. “You think Morro would notice? You know how he is; couldn't spot the rake in the haystack to save his life when he's in the zone .” Chuckling, he tapped off some ash and continued with the game.
“But, surely, you don't mind that, no? You’re probably the kind of person who wants an inattentive partner for the freedom of it, am I right? None of that clingy ‘I noticed this little thing about you’ stuff. That probably wouldn’t be your style, otherwise there could be issues.”
“What are you on about?”
“I’m just saying, that’s how it usually is—unresolved issues if one prefers a caring relationship over carefree bonds. People get divorced over stupid mismatches like that: ‘I believe this but you don’t so let’s fight instead of working it out.’. But you don’t feel like you’re into that kind of lovey-dovey stuff. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
Cole felt dread pool in his gut. Wanted to blame the weather for the chills—The Preeminent never heard of concepts like weatherproofing. Nothing about the upturned lips spoke of trustworthiness.
He was aware of Morro’s disdain for things like the winter school dance or Valentine’s even before they had an actual conversation.
“Morro cares in his own way,” he defended. Him? Himself? No, he stated it as a fact.
Harper didn’t see it that way. He scoffed. “Morro doesn’t care. He just makes others think he does.”
“What do you know?” Cole’s own raised eyebrow went unnoticed for Harper deemed to table more interesting.
“I mean I’ve known Morro longer than you. Then again, I guess I never dated him. But I’ve seen him date.” He ceased his focus on the game to tap his chin in thought—and yet his eyes never found Cole. “Hey, that’s curious—he gets white hot even just at the thought of Smith, but they’re pretty much the same, don’t you think? Fickle. They find a new face before you can even remember the previous one.”
Cole didn’t get time to disagree. Or even think about it.
“Then again, Smith seems to honestly care.” At last, their eyes met. Cole recalled gloveless snowball fights that left him questions whether his hands were freezing or burning. Now he could not tell whether he got a fireball or a snowball chucked into his face.
“Is that what made you stop talking to him?”
Not a single elegant way to get out of this one existed and all Cole could hope for was that Harper, just like the musty bar, didn’t know such a concept as elegance. Wouldn’t be such a far stretch considering his fashion and the bleached mess of wannabe hairstyle.
Cole wanted to slap himself for such harsh judgement. How come his own insecurities kept harming anyone but him?
He shook his head as if that could help him see clearer through all the dim light and smoke.
“You know what? I forfeit, you probably won anyway. But thanks for letting me play.”
Harper put down the cue with another shrug.
“Yeah, you look like you have no idea what you’re doing. But hey—I’m up for helping you make some sense of it.”
Stepping back, Cole said, “I’ll, uh, think about it.”
And grinning, Harper replied, “Please, do.”
He couldn’t find a fitting animal to compare the smile to. So instead, he drifted towards the simplicity of Morro’s immersing noise in hopes of it drowning out the noise within. It was different from fighting fire with fire. He wasn’t fighting. Didn’t have an opponent.
When he thought back to that night it felt like recollecting an exhausting dream—was it even a dream or was he just half-awake? How many details did his fogged up mind already manage to neglect? No matter how often he went back to it, he almost felt good about the whole thing.
Except he shouldn’t. Not like that.
Not hopeful .
Nothing changed. He still sat in the front row. Still looked away every time Kai got near. At least it seemed to be mutual. Despite feeling like he said a significant majority of what simmered on his mind for months, the urge to say more stuck in his mouth like the taste of artificial sweeteners.
For a second he felt relieved when Misako called him into her office after class, he could avoid passing Kai in the cafeteria if he took just long enough. Then she spoke up and dread returned to its rightful throne.
Avoiding her face wrinkled with concern, he leafed through the exams he didn’t recall writing, the red marks burning on the white paper like embers through snow, but he had too much smoke in his eyes.
“I don’t want to put pressure on you; you’ve always been a good kid, but if you continue like this into the next semester, I’m afraid there won’t be much I could do to help you…”
She sighed, trying to get a peek over the paper thin wall behind which he tried to hide.
“I don’t want to assume things, but failing isn’t a good way to achieve the distance you might want…”
The silence stretched like an ocean across a rocky beach. Cole shifted the papers again to seem like he processed any of it. Not that there was much to read besides the circled marks. So much of what passed felt like the weird limbo between dreams and awareness. No matter how much he could try rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, everything faded in the blur.
Misako kept trying to dig an answer or reaction out of him, but whatever she said about talking to the teaching staff or the school psychologists only tickled Cole’s ears and nothing more. His thoughts never screamed, nevertheless, they made it difficult to hear.
Not even a month ago he would consider this a success. Maybe this time he’d receive an ‘I’m disappointed in you, Cole’ or ‘I’m angry with you, Cole’ or a threat to better his grades otherwise something against his liking will happen or a plea to understand his sudden misbehaviour. Something. Maybe. Or, as usual, nothing at all, and the whole strategy would turn out to be nothing but a waste of effort. Which it didn’t even require.
Over and over and over again he would ram all kinds of batteries into a toy that maybe didn’t require them in the first place.
Of course. It was so typical of him to judge fast and without a heart and let the fire get out of control so it would burn everyone besides himself. He kept trying to rip off the scab when all the wound needed was little patience to wait for it to fall off by itself.
Selfish idiot, maybe he did the same thing he thought he was fighting against.
Morro was right. They were the same. They were perfect. It was for the better.
Birds and feathers, people repeat it for a reason.
“Is there something I can do?” he uttered, eyes glued to the history because it was easier. For most of his life at least. But not even his treasured rose-coloured glasses could soften every rough patch.
“No. Not for this semester, at least.”
He set the papers aside before his sweaty hand could make them age another fifty years.
“But the new semester is always about second chances.” She offered a flicker of a smile—and even that faint brightness burnt his eyes. “Although… you might need some help to keep up. Considering how much you’ve… missed…, it might get overwhelming. I could help you arrange some tutoring, if you’d like.”
Cole nodded. At least he wanted to nod, whether it actually happened he could not say.
He also wanted to come home to find his father passed out on the couch surrounded by empty bottles instead of pillows—or find a pathetic note about going on a year-long tour. Anything to justify his actions but he felt those odds diminish with each day since he returned from spreading Christmas joy to everyone but his own son.
Why did he have to start reaching out just when Cole made himself comfortable inside the grave he dug out?
“Cole?”
“Thanks, but I think I can handle finding help myself.”
Nodding, she leaned away from him.
“Okay, well, my door is always open. So is everybody else’s. So, don’t be afraid to reach out if you have trouble.”
“Thank you.”
He got up. Picked up his backpack. However, Misako fished for his attention once more.
“Cole, I—” This time she looked aside, as if embarrassed by whatever she was about to add. In retrospect, it might have been pity. “I hope your father’s treating you well.”
His eyes shifted back and forth which he didn’t have to worry over because she wouldn’t meet them anyway. Scrambling for words, he felt for the doorknob behind.
“Yeah, uh, he’s— Yeah. Thanks.”
Left with no capacity to worry about not saying goodbye, the school’s halls passed in a blur. He skipped lunch altogether. Came home to a sizzling pan and a ‘How was school?’ which made him wonder if he ever stopped dreaming. Maybe that was the issue in the first place.
Would he even want to wake up?
Chapter 9: Part #8
Summary:
Oh, children
We have the answer to all your fears
It's short, it's simple, it's crystal-clear
It's roundabout and it's somewhere here
Lost amongst our winnings
Notes:
Honestly did not expect this chapter to come to life, especially this early, but it's here and I'm a fair enjoyer of it. This and part 7 make me feel good about my writing but it might just be due to how little I've done in ages… but they're my favs anyway.
Fireworks next time hehe >:3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
February
The Preeminent did not offer warmth in winter or chill in summer or dryness during rain. It did not offer good drinks or listenable music or any sort of entertainment besides a pool table with one too many stains and a dartboard ready to fall off the wall. It did not offer community or a sense of belonging like other public spaces. Not even the everpresent smoke hid the pungent smell that followed you everywhere if you wasted enough time there.
All it offered was a place to sit and pretend you couldn't care less about the world outside the walls and a figurative bumper sticker with raised middle fingers and V signs to stick on the car you took from your parents without saying where you were off to.
Harper did actually get stickers like those and stuck them on her car. Only to find the bumper good as new every single time. Part of him admired her defiance. The other part hated that he must have gotten it from her.
Well, reap what you sow.
He never found any speakers, but that didn’t stop the awful dark ambient from filling up all the spaces between thoughts and conversation.
Could it be called a conversation when it was just Bansha moaning about her lousy dates?
The only thing he wanted to do was flood the place in air freshener and then burn it down anyway, but if it had a flag, he would wave it everywhere and paint it on his face.
That soul-sucking, rotten dead end meant too much for him.
He let the smoke claw for his eyes as he stared at the empty spot next to Morro, tapping off the ash of his cigarette. Its orange flicker was the warmest thing in the damp dump.
With a sharp breath he cut in on Bansha’s lamenting to which only Ghoultar listened to because something had to occupy his pea brain to keep it from deflating. “Well this is sucking the life outta me.” And he had everyone’s attention. So easy when the quiet guy gets loud, it was like flipping a switch. “How ‘bout we just go to the cabin instead?”
It was more of a cosy cottage than a crumbling cabin, but the latter made it feel as miserable as the bar. Cosy. As cosy as a place that worked as a looming threat of retreat for the ostracised could be. Neither she nor he dared to bring it up out loud because that would make them broken, but the potentiality hung in the so-thick-it-became-solid air anyway.
And of course, everyone agreed like their opinion mattered. Except for the one who’s actually did.
“Eh, I just texted Cole to get here.”
Harper’s eyes sank to the phone Morro kept turning around in his hand and tapped his cigarette again.
“Well, I’ve got some new stash in.” He glanced at everyone else in the booth. “Reckon there’s enough stuff in the larder to bake something even. You’d like that Ghoultar, no?”
Upon Ghoultar’s enthusiastic agreement, he returned his gaze to Morro like a lawyer after introducing an eye witness.
“Let’s just wait ‘till he gets here.”
Harper leaned across the table, supported by the elbows of his crossed arms. He tilted his head.
“Do you honestly expect him to come?” Without breaking the eye contact, he stubbed the cigarette against the table. “He’s like a butterfly. And those aren’t around much in winter time as far as I’m concerned. ‘Cause they die and leave you with nothing.”
Pretty things were worth saving from Cold’s snapping teeth when they weren’t fleeting.
“All right, keep your metaphors, Coleridge.” Morro leaned into his seat, still clutching the phone. “Let’s just wait. The bottles aren’t empty anyways.”
Harper huffed but sat back down also, leaning to the side just so he could have a good vantage point of the entrance.
Each time he found himself staring at the mouldered door the little voice at the back of his head raised its volume and learnt more words. ‘ You sure you wanna go into that stinkhole? ’
Suspiciously enough it sounded just a little too much like Kai. Which was also sort of funny in its own way. Kai as the voice of reason?
Then again, one of them had to be when the other got off the rails.
Three little lamps looked ready to give up trying to light up the faded name of the bar and in that cold, Cole understood their sentiment.
He locked his car already and so the only welcoming door remained the one he stared at like there was a decision to be made.
The weather chewed some more at his coat and so he rushed over to the building as if it could do a better job. Maybe it could not shelter him from winter, but it offered just enough to forget about it. Just enough to stop his teeth from chattering.
Smoke enveloped him in a welcome hug first. Background noise joined in then, until he got adjusted to the light and made a beeline for the booth Morro occupied with the others.
His eyes found Harper’s and even if the air didn’t make it feel like walking through a cloud, he believed they would remain just as unreadable. He did not have to linger on that thought because the threat of Harper’s eyes disappeared as he took what seemed to be the last swig of his beer.
“Hey,” he announced himself to Morro before he could even see his face. He glanced at the rest too, but they never shared the interest.
“Hey, Cole, glad you came.” Morro gave him a smirk before turning to Harper and then turning back to him. “You mind covering the drinks tonight? It’s your dad’s money anyways.”
Although he considered himself the thoughtful kind of person, sometimes those thoughts did not get to shine. Thoughts like ‘Seriously? I just got here’ or ‘You promised my next drink was gonna be on you’ just did not cut it for the kind of night he seeked out when he drove here.
So instead he led with, “I don’t have money on me.” in hopes of getting the green flag to sit down and let the other thoughts drift into the ceiling along the trails of smoke. Like blowing out a candle, and he could just wait for the hot wax to become opaque again.
Morro flashed a grin. “Seems like we’d have to sell your car for parts then.” If Cole didn’t imagine it, he laughed. Or chuckled. It didn’t matter. He could feel Harper’s eyes on him, but it didn’t matter. He gritted his teeth to swallow the thoughts that went against everything he believed in when he stepped over the threshold.
Cole turned on his heel and walked back outside, back into the ice claws, trying to pull the keys out of his pocket without letting his hand shake.
But even as he struggled to unlock his car before everything could scratch and fight and claw and bite and punch through all the layers he put on, one thought he could not shake off no matter how much he would love to.
He had nowhere to go.
School had Kai. And Jay and Zane and Nya. Home had Dad. And photos of her. Bars had regrets. And a smell that coated him like another layer of skin. Maybe he should skip town. Run off into a forest. Climb somewhere above clouds that would hide the rest of the world. Would that be enough?
“Cole, hey. Hey! I was just joking, come on.”
He didn’t stop. Didn’t turn. He kept his eyes fixed on the car his mother once drove through the same streets with her loves.
“Cole, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d take it so hard.”
“Go back inside, Morro.” He frowned over the roof when Morro did the exact opposite.
However, the door did come to life once more that night when Harper appeared there.
“Morro, you said we’ll go to the cabin.”
Morro groaned. “Just go without us, I’m not your Mum for fuck’s sake!” Then he stepped even closer, pulling Cole’s eyes back in his direction. His voice got quieter. Cole forgot why his hand still only lingered on the handle.
“Come on, let’s forget about them, they’re idiots anyway.” He kept walking closer, one step at a time. “I know a nice spot. Way better than this one. There’s a good view of the stars, you like that.”
Cole stared at him. “It’s freezing.”
“Never bothered you before.”
Their eyes could barely tell a story let alone sing a lullaby in the dark. Cole’s fingertips brushed the handle.
“Please, Cole? I’m convinced you’ll like it. Exactly the kind of place romantic people like you huddle at.”
Not that he had better options available. He might as well finish what he started. Being on the fence meant he was not on that side yet, but he could still see it.
The door popped open.
“Fine. Get in.”
“Great! I’ll give you the directions.”
“Can’t get there without those,” Cole muttered, already letting the Bee buzz despite Morro having only one foot in.
“Hah, now that one’s funny. You’re funny.”
‘You’re an idiot. What are you doing?’
Maybe Cole hummed something in response, maybe he couldn’t break the silence, but it didn’t matter as long as the engine hummed and Morro navigated. He could simply focus on clutching the wheel and squinting through the darkness until they would reach a little spot high enough to offer the promised outlook, but concealed in the shadows of a small forest just so it felt intimate.
Few logs, remains of a campfire, and car tracks hinted at past presences. Snow covered everything like a poorly kept secret.
Morro did have a point with the romance. Maybe the time of season muddled the magic.
They sat accompanied by the low rumble—the cold would slither in otherwise. Clouds littered the sky, the stars barely glittered. Almost like the sky gave up. Well, no one’s looking, why bother?
He let his hands drop from the wheel into his lap. Let the seat support him. He could imagine all of this with the vignette of dream’s haze.
“You’re such a tough book to read, Brookstone.”
“What does that mean?” Kai asked that all the time. ‘What does that mean? What does that mean?’ like an offended parrot. When he called him that, Kai led with the exact question. With the stupid adorable frown too. He looked at him like he was an idiot and Cole still had to smile.
“One time I do a thing and you love it and then at random you suddenly just hate it.” Morro huffed and forced the hand rubbing his eyes still. “‘Oh Morro, this party's awesome. Your parties always rock, how come?’ And then I organise a party in your honour, for your birthday— your eighteenth birthday —and you don't show up. Don't even text to say you won't.”
Cole wanted to turn his hand. Sat frozen instead. “You noticed I wasn't there?”
“Yeah, of course I noticed. I always notice when you're gone.”
Cole hummed, staring ahead at the yellow lights of the world below the sky that competed with the void looming above.
“Why didn't you come to the party?”
“I already told you, I was with Dad.”
“That's a weak excuse.”
“It's true.”
“So what then? You want attention from me and when I try you refuse to take it. I even got stupid chocolate cake from that place you always talk about.” Morro sighed, leaning his head back to watch the ceiling of the car. “I'm out here trying just for you and you ditch me for your father you've always resented.”
“It was my 18th birthday and Dad invited me for dinner. I'd be an idiot to not take the chance. We party all the time.” He picked at the wheel, just rubbing his nail against it because he could not pretend to be busy. “You refused to come along.”
“He ditched you for Christmas.”
You didn't even check in on me.
“Well, that's not exactly my birthday.”
“Why do you think he cares?” Morro snapped. “Why do you think he got you a nice dinner and an old car?”
“It was my mum's. And my birthday. ”
“Yeah. 18th. Isn't it interesting? The birthday that means he has no more obligation to take care of you. What if he just tried to lift your spirits before he crushes them? You could always live in a car… and high school's nearly over.”
“Okay.” Cole nodded, chewing on his lip. Staring at the dashboard, he wanted to smother the heat within. But he was too tired to try. The entire world kept pushing his head into the bowl of ice cold water that was thinking and feeling instead of letting him dive into the ocean.
“I’m a tough book to read? Here's an audiobook for you: I don't like it when you theorise and speculate about people in my life. Kai or my dad, I don't care. I don't like it.”
“I'm just trying to pro—”
“ I don't care. Be mad at me if you're right, tell me ‘I told you so’, ditch me for all I care. I seriously couldn't care less. I hate when you do it, so how about this—when we're together, let's just not talk about either of them. Ever. They're a taboo from now on. Just no.”
He glared over at Morro who nodded, eyes tentative in their search for his.
“Okay, I can do that.”
“Good.”
He never saw Morro so small in his seat. Most times he took over the entire car. Entire street.
“What do you suggest we do instead?”
Cole stared at the tiny yellow dots that hid lives detached from his own. Lives untouched and unaffected by everything that ever touched and affected Cole. He could find Kai's house but he didn't. Why anyway? Just to see whether the lights were still on or not? The sun had already set on that window. He had to stop trying to peek in.
And still, as if it was morbid curiosity pulling at his hair, he kept glancing. The sky was much clearer that night. The night had less of a bite too, despite all the snowing. Maybe it was just the alcohol spreading warmth from his belly.
Words echoed in his ears.
Words can’t echo underwater, no matter how many sharks would circle him as he’d sink deeper. Colder. Darker.
He sighed. “Let's go snog outside.”
“But you said it's freezing—”
“Outside.”
Notes:
every single time i feel like dying at football camp but every single time I get offered I say yes without hesitation. it reminds me of john mulaney's best buy rewards card except i say yes and mrs jesus christ over there has to come along and suffer. wouldn't trade it for the world, though
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