true blue

by gutstori

Summary:

Hongjoong kisses Yunho. He regrets it. Until he doesn’t.

Hongjoong always feels a specific kind of high after a concert. The exhaustion mixed with the adrenaline makes this weird buzz of energy that Hongjoong particularly likes. More so when he's really proud of his own performance, and of the group as a whole. Because they did amazingly good tonight, and Hongjoong is overwhelmed with the proud feeling of being part of this team. Trying not to get to sappy because he knows that the members hate it (they truly don't, they just act like they do and he knows that but he still wants to spare them today), he still does a little round of compliments to his members before heading to his shared hotel room with Yunho, the tall man in toes.

"You want to shower first?" Yunho asks when Hongjoong opens the door with his key, but Hongjoong shakes his head.

"No go ahead." He says as he plops down on the tiny couch in the corner of the room, putting out his phone to answer a few messages his dad has sent.

Yunho lets out a quiet "Yay" before disappearing into the bathroom. Hongjoong doesn't mind not showering first, and he knows that Yunho really dislike feeling the stickiness of sweat for too long. But Yunho still showers rather quickly, leaving room for Hongjoong only ten or so minutes after.

Hongjoong cleans himself on autopilot, his muscles feeling kind of weak but his mind very much awake. He's not the type to shower and go to sleep after a concert. The adrenaline is too high for him to do that, so most of the time he works on some music until the tiredness takes over. But he must admit that he feels a bit lazy tonight, and rather uninspired, so he just lies down on his single bed, putting the sheets over him and making himself cozy and comfortable, set on spending his night scrolling on his phone.

Yunho is sitting on the bed just beside his, on his laptop with his earphones on.

Hongjoong likes sharing a room with Yunho. He thinks that they match kind of well together. They can be very fun and talkative when they want to, but they also cherish their alone and quiet time, so sitting in silence doing their own thing is never awkward.

But after thirty minutes of scrolling aimlessly on his phone, Hongjoong grows kind of bored and is keen on disturbing the peace and quiet of whatever Yunho is watching on his screen.

"Yunho." He whispers, even though Yunho obviously can not hear him.

Hongjoong grows impatient really quickly.

He kicks (not too hard) his leg to get his attention, and Yunho yelps. He finally looks at Hongjoong and takes off his earphones.

"Yeah?" He asks.

Hongjoong only mumbles out a "I'm bored", already knowing that Yunho would never let him stay bored with him in the same room. Yunho sighs, rather fondly, and closes his laptop before putting it on his nightstand.

"What should we do then?" He asks, lying down on his right side so they're facing eachother.

Hongjoong grins.

"Entertain me."

Yunho scoffs. "What am I? Your little buffon?"

"Yes." Hongjoong answers before he has the time to even finish the question. Yunho laughs and is now the one to send a weak kick into his direction (he misses).

"What should I do to keep your highness amused?"

Hongjoong chuckles.

"Your highness would like a few compliments on his performance." Hongjoong says, and he says it to be funny, but he actually also really want to hear Yunho compliments him. Sue him, he lives off praise.

Yunho shakes his head, amused. "It will be a pleasure to do so." He stands up, and puts his hand on his own chest.

"I think his highness Hongjoong did amazing tonight. His voice was full of energy and kept the performance going, motivating the audience but also the other members to give their all." Yunho starts, sounding like he was reading off a prompter, and Hongjoong already feels his smile getting bigger. "His sexy performance have sure turned a few fans in the venue into his own fans," Hongjoong scoffs at that, feeling a bit embarrassed at the sudden mention of his sexiness of all things. "but I implore his highness to take mercy on his teammates and leave some fans for them too." Hongjoong laughs quietly in his hand.

"I'll try to if you prove yourselves to be worthy of their attention." Hongjoong teases, and Yunho takes fake offense at that.

"Ah! Does that mean I'm not good enough yet.." He clunches his heart in a dramatic way, earning another fit of giggles from Hongjoong.

"Could be better." He smirks.

"I'll work harder." Yunho promises.

They continue to talk for almost a hour, about the wrap of the performance and the near end of their tour. They at one point push their beds together so they could monitor some of their live performances on Yunho's laptop, Hongjoong putting his head on Yunho's shoulder.

"See, I messed a bit of the steps here." Hongjoong points out and Yunho squints, trying to catch the missed steps.

"No one will be able to notice." Yunho assures him, and Hongjoong shrugs.

"Yeah. But it's still there."

Yunho hums, because he understands. Being an idol also means being a perfectionist and they all understand how frustrating a simple mistake can be.

"You won't mess up next time." Yunho decides to say instead of trying to comfort him pointlessly, and Hongjoong nods, because he knows he won't. He's not going to allow himself to do the same mistake twice.

"You want a little bit of help for this part?" Yunho offers, and Hongjoong considers it.

"Yeah, why not." Because Yunho is a damn good dancer and refusing help from him would be a shame on Hongjoong's part. Yunho beams at that.

"Yunho, always so good to his hyung." Hongjoong starts to pet Yunho's hair.

"That's why I'm your favorite." Yunho jokes, giving him a sly smile.

Hongjoong plays along. "Shhh. Don't tell the others that." He continues to pet him, liking the softness of Yunho's hair after it has dried from the shower.

"I won't." Yunho shakes his head ever so slightly, locking his eyes into Hongjoong's. "It's our secret." He smiles shyly and Hongjoong feels a sudden flutter in his stomach. Yunho looks espacially pretty up close like that.

"Yeah." Hongjoong doesn't look away from Yunho, his hand slowing a bit of his movement but still playing with Yunho's hair. "And you? Am I your favorite?" Hongjoong asks.

Yunho nods a bit timidly, keeping up with their little bit.

Hongjoong wouldn't know if Yunho was his favorite. He doesn't really play favorite. The group is like a family, they all need eachother and every single member is a core strenght to their whole dynamic. But with Yunho looking like that, a small smile on his lips and his fluttering eyes locked in Hongjoong's own ones, he would answers in a heartbeat that Yunho is his favorite.

Hongjoong feels his palms getting kind of sweaty.

"Good." He swallows, his mouth suddenly kind of dry. "I expected nothing less from you." Hongjoong continues in a quieter voice. He doesn't really know what to say anymore, but wants to keep this conversation going, wants to keep whatever is going on. Not that he understands it. His mind shuts off, he just stares at Yunho dumbfully, his hand now resting on the nape of his neck, his thumb smoothing a bit of the skin there. Yunho smiles contently.

Before he could even process what he's doing, Hongjoong's eyes trail down to Yunho's lips.

And the overwhelming realisation crashes at once that he wants to kiss him. He needs to kiss him. He feels his body moving on his own, abandonning himself to the need and the desire to feel closer to Yunho, to know what he tastes like.

Hongjoong leans down, and barely registers Yunho's eyes widening before he presses their lips together.

He feels his heart hammering against his chest and the flutter in his stomach taking all over his body, making his fingers tingle and his right knee jerks up only slightly.

It's soft. Yunho's lips. They fit so well on his, and Hongjoong presses on them lightly, eyes shut, his hand still resting on the back of Yunho's head.

A few seconds pass, before Hongjoong realizes that Yunho is not kissing back.

He feels something cold and heavy drops at the pit of his stomach.

He lets go of his lips with a shaky breath and opens back his eyes to find Yunho staring at him, shock clear on his face.

It feels like a bucket of cold water waking him from a weird daze. Suddenly aware of his position, of what he did, of the hand still grounding himself to Yunho's neck.

Hongjoong fucked up. Oh, he fucked up really bad. He drops his hand and moves away a bit further from Yunho.

"Yunho I'm so sorry." He apologizes, because he doesn't know what else to say. He feels his hands start trembling. God, what did he do. "I.. I don't know why I did that.. I don't.. It's not.." He tries to find his words, try to explain himself but his voice gets stuck in his throat. How do you explain to your best friend of years, to your bandmate, that you felt the sudden need to kiss him.

Why did he even felt the need to kiss him. God, Hongjoong is so stupid.

He was always so careful. He knew he liked boys from his early teenage years. It was a hard thing to come to terms with, it took many years and much self loathing to get there but he did. He has no problem with who he is now. Not a lot of people know, not even his own family, but the members know. He couldn't hide it from them.

However, they never talk about it. It's not really taboo, he doesn't think, but they never have an occasion to bring it up. Hongjoong doesn't really show any interest in any guy, at least he doesn't show any of the members that he does. Because he knows he's not allowed to, he knows he has forbidden himself from living his homosexuality for many years when he decided to become an idol. And it was okay with him. It's a fair trade.

More so, Hongjoong has forbidden himself from ever feeling, ever so slightly, romantic or sexual attraction for the other members. They are his bandmates, his family, and he would not ruin everything that they have built because he was too weak to resist the charms of handsome men. He talked about it with his members, when they learned that he was gay. They discussed that if another member ever found out that he was also into boys, they would not try to pursue any kind of relationship with eachother. It's too risky. Hongjoond agreed. And he doesn't have any problem with that as none of the members have yet to express any interest in men, and he doesn't see any of his member like that. At least he didn't?

Because now why has he kissed Yunho.

Yunho is awfully quiet, looking like a deer caught in daylight, confusion written on his face and the guilt starts piling onto the many feelings Hongjoong is experiencing right now.

"I'm so sorry." Hongjoong repeats. He doesn't know what else to say. He did something he shouldn't have done and now their friendship is ruined. Because of a stupid decision that Hongjoong didn't even realize he was making.

Yunho finally seems to come down a bit from the shock and looks at Hongjoong. His hands start to get even more shakier.

Yunho looks.. apologetic? "No, I'm sorry Hongjoong.. I just don't.." He swallows, searching for his words carefully. "I don't feel like that about you.." Yunho starts and Hongjoong shakes his head, ignoring the way the knot in his stomach deepens.

"No, no.. it's okay.. Me neither I just.." Hongjoong chuckles nervously, but he's not lying. He has never considered Yunho as an option. Handsome, kind, tall, funny Yunho. No, he was never on the list. "I.. I don't know why I kissed you.. It just happened." Hongjoong tries to resonate, knowing damn well that something like this doesn't "just happen", but Yunho doesn't comment on it. He's grateful. "Sorry it was selfish. I probably made you uncomfortable."

"No.." Yunho lies and Hongjoong wants the mattress to swallow him whole. "I was just.. surprised.." Yunho explains, hesistantly."But yeah I don't want to get your hopes up or anything.."

And why does Yunho has to repeat that. Hongjoong gets it that Yunho is not attracted to him. It's okay. Hongjoong isn't either.

"Yeah I got that." Hongjoong answers, maybe a hint of saltiness in his voice that he hopes Yunho didn't hear. "No problem. Not getting my hopes up." Hongjoong nods to himself and gives a shaky smile to Yunho, reassuring him that everything is perfect. Not a big deal. As long as Yunho doesn't start hating him for it.

"Okay." Yunho breathes out. "That.. That's good then." Hongjoong hums in agreement.

They stay in silent for a what feels like a few minutes, neither of them knowing what to say after this disastrous episode. Hongjoong's heart doesn't seem to slow down and he puts his hands firmly on the mattress to keep them from shaking too hard.

He's terrified. He doesn't want to lose Yunho but he already feels him drifting apart from him. How can they act normal again when Hongjoong kissed him. He was so scared of his affection towards his members being misinterpreted as interest that he was always so careful. Affectionate but never too touchy, kind but not flirty, never giving too much of his attention to a specific member in fear that he would be uncomfortable. He already experienced it in his high school years, not even out, so now that his friends know..

And he did the worst thing he could do. Carefulness thrown out the window and kissing his best friend who probably finds him repulsive now. Hongjoong wants to throw up.

"Yunho-" Hongjoong starts, not even knowing where he would go from there but Yunho speaks at the same time.

"I think I'm going to sleep in Mingi's room tonight." Yunho blurts out, like he was working up the courage to get out of here for the past few minutes, and Hongjoong's eyes start to water.

"Oh." He answers shakily, looking away from Yunho. "Yeah.. It's probably better." Hongjoong blinks rapidly to stop the tears from forming.

Yunho gets up and takes his phone and charger, heading to the door. Hongjoong needs him to hurry up because he might burst into tears at any given moment.

"Hyung." Yunho calls him, right as he was about to open the door. And Hongjoong wants to tell him to stay, to tell him that they should talk it out, that they can't leave it like that because Hongjoong can't lose him. But he just looks at him, eyes shiny. He doesn't know if Yunho can notice it in the dim light, he doesn't really care now.

"I don't hate you." Yunho affirms, and Hongjoong wants to believe it so bad. "I just need.. to be with Mingi." To be away from you.

"I understand." Hongjoong reassures him. "Just.. Don't tell him what happened. Please." Maybe it's unfair of him, because Yunho is clearly distraught and probably needs to talk about it with someone. But Hongjoong can't bare the idea of other members knowing that he kissed Yunho.

Yunho nods. "I won't." He promises and Hongjoong knows that Yunho will respect that. "Good night hyung. See you tomorrow." Yunho smiles weakly and leaves the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

The sounds of Hongjoong crying, barely muffled into his pillow, breaks the silence.

 

Hongjoong wakes up feeling like shit. He barely slept, he couldn't. He went through every stage of remorse, from crying until he had nothing left to cry, to feel empty, angry at himself, at Yunho, he even for a few minutes thought about leaving the group because of how guilty and embarrassed he felt. He now realizes that was a bit extreme, but it made sense to Hongjoong's sleep deprived and exhausted from tears self.

They have a few interviews today, and Hongjoong is not particularly thrilled at the idea. Interviews can be fun but also very exhausting, more than performing in his opinion, and the thoughts of having to act cheerful in front of a camera feels almost impossible right now. But he has to. He's had bad days before, very bad ones even, and he always pushed through. It's no different. Even if the source of his problem will be with him through all of it.

He's scared to see Yunho again. He doesn't know what he thinks now. He knows he didn't tell Mingi, he couldn't have betrayed his promise, but the irrational part of him thinks that he's going to see all the members looking at him funny and speaking behind his back as soon as he joins them. They're not going to do that, even if they knew, they're not like that. But what if? He never talks about the fact that he likes men. It's just a thing they know and don't address. It's fine by Hongjoong, really, but he wonders if that makes them uncomfortable with him sometimes. What if they're scared that Hongjoong is going to try to kiss another member next time?

Hongjoong tries to shake away the irrational thoughts, but the anxiety still lingers when he gets ready.

He's going to be fine, he tries to tell himself. No one knows. Only Yunho knows. Yunho who's probably going to ignore him all day. And the members will notice. And start asking questions. Oh that's just great. What a good day he's going to have.

Hongjoong takes his time to get ready. He unfortunately can't wear any makeup because they're going to have their makeup done at the interview directly, which means he can't hide the redness and puffiness around his eyes. Anyone around him will know that Hongjoong cried all night yesterday, and he can't wait to answer all the concerned questions.

He doesn't join the others until the very last minute, rushing to get to the car waiting for them at the parking lot of their hotel. All the members are already in there. He feels his hands shaking slightly, and his breathing pattern getting quicker the closer he gets to the car. He can't do it. He has to tell them he's sick or something. He can't see them like this.

But his body works faster than his brain, and gets himself into the car before he could make his escape. Almost every members are chatting, except for Seonghwa seemingly sleeping in the back of the car. Hongjoong lets out a shaky breath when he sits down next to Wooyoung. Fortunately Yunho is in the back next to Seonghwa, so he doesn't have to face him just yet.

"Hi." Hongjoong says quietly, his voice a bit hoarse (probably because of all the crying).

"Hi hyung." San, next to Wooyoung, answers cheerfuly. "How did you-.. Oh." San stops when Hongjoong looks at him. "What happened hyung? Are you okay?"

He feels all the members turn to look at him hearing San's concerned voice, and he hears a barely there gasp coming from Yeosang.

He tries to put on a smile, which he knows doesn't look convincing with the state of the rest of his face.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Hongjoong assures them, but even so he knows how stupid that sounds. Something clearly happened. But he didn't find an excuse he could tell without inventing something horrible that he would never forgive himself for making it up.

"Hyung.." He hears Jongho says from the back.

"Just.." Hongjoong inhales, trying to appear as calm as possible. "Just drop it. Please. I don't want to talk about it."

The members stare at them in silence, and Hongjoong is still pointely not looking in Yunho's direction, before Seonghwa who apparently woke up at some point speaks.

"You heard Hongjoong guys. Drop it."

Hongjoong looks at Seonghwa to send him a grateful nod but great mistake, because he finds himself locking eyes with Yunho instead. Hongjoong's heart seems to jump in his chest. He suddenly relives all the events of yesterday. The kiss. His soft lips. Yunho saying that he's not interested in Hongjoong. Yunho leaving.

Yunho looks as worried as the other members, if not more. He looks fine himself. No puffy eyes or redness, which makes Hongjoong breathes a bit easier. They stare at eachother for merely seconds before Hongjoong breaks the contact to sit correctly in his seat, looking ahead of him, ignoring the still careful glances he gets from all the members beside him.

He's going to be okay. He closes his eyes. Yunho doesn't look upset with him which is a great start. He doesn't look comfortable either but it's expected.

What worries Hongjoong is that he very much wants to kiss Yunho again.

Seeing him like that, and knowing how his lips feel on his, Hongjoong thinks that he discovered something that he wishes he didn't. And now he craves more.

Whatever. He needs to push these thoughts in the back of his head because they're not going to be of any help. Yunho doesn't like men, doesn't like him, and dwelling on new found feelings towards him is really not the smart thing to do right now. Hongjoong is used to having much control over his feelings. He's got a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, and knowing how to be cold headed when he has to comes in handy. He can ignore it. He just needs to be able to look at Yunho without dying of embarrassment.

Wooyoung nudges him a little bit, getting him out of his own thoughts.

"Hyung, you sure you're okay?" He whispers for only Hongjoong to hear.

He nods. "Yeah, it's fine Wooyoung, don't worry." He gives him a half hearted smile and Wooyoung doesn't look any less worried.

"You're obviously lying but." Wooyoung starts, and Hongjoong wants to protest but Wooyoung shushes him. "I just want you to know that we're all here for you. If you want to take a break today it's okay."

Hongjoong shakes his head. "I'm fine.. but thank you." He smiles, this time a bit more honest, feeling reassured knowing that yes, Wooyoung is right, his members are always by his side. Even Yunho. They're going to be okay.

"No problem." Wooyoung squeezes his knee. "We'll do most of the talking today so don't pressure yourself too much." And Hongjoong wants to tear up again because why are they being so kind to him.

He breathes deeply. Today will be fine.

 

The makeup artist is surprised when she first sees Hongjoong sit on the chair, but she thankfully doesn't comment on it and gets to work immediately. And she's really good at it because thirty minutes later Hongjoong doesn't look like he's been crying all night anymore.

"You look less like a mess hyung." San says when he joins the already ready members in the waiting room.

Hongjoong laughs dryly. "Thank you you look lovely too." He sits right next to San and pinches his thigh for good mesure, which makes him cry out in pain (he really didn't pinch that hard).

Hongjoong hears Yunho laugh behind him, where he is sitting at the table with Wooyoung and Mingi. He doesn't know if he's laughing with him or if they're talking among them, but it still makes Hongjoong tense without realizing. San looks at him in confusion.

Hongjoong shakes his head, dismissing questions before they can even leave San's mouth. He has to act casual, or else the members are going to keep prying until he can't lie to them anymore.

 

The interview goes well for the most part. Hongjoong is a bit quieter than usual, but Wooyoung keeps his promise and is in charge of talking and answering questions that Hongjoong is too tired to. He hopes the fans don't notice that he's out of it today, but knowing them they probably would. They'll think that he's just having a bad day.

Except that now the interviewer asks them to play a game. Sure, why not. They love playing games. Hongjoong doesn't really understand the rules nor does he try to. All he knows is that he somehow find himself being paired with Yunho.

Huh.

"Hongjoong, go stand next to Yunho." The staff behind the cameras tell him, and he blinks at them, moving beside Yunho without much thinking.

He deeply wants to ask to change partner but it would surely raise more suspicion, making it clear that something is going on between Yunho and him.

He puts his hands in front of him, standing awkwardly next to Yunho without looking at him. He sees the other members preparing something with their partner and now he wishes he listened to the rules because he has no idea what's going. He sighs. He can't avoid talking to Yunho any longer.

"Sorry I-.." Hongjoong finally looks at Yunho, and he finds himself tongue tied when he notices that Yunho is already looking at him. With his big brown worried eyes. Hongjoong swallows, mouth suddenly dry. "I.. didn't listen.. What's the game?"

Yunho gives Hongjoong a small smile, barely there, but Hongjoong does notice. And he needs Yunho to stop because he's feeling weird all over again.

"We need to find two anecdotes concerning us two, one real and one made up and the others will have to find which one is real." Yunho explains, and Hongjoong hums. Okay it should be easy.

"We need to find something that only the both of us know, maybe something a bit weird so they'll think it's the lie." Yunho adds and Hongjoong starts thinking.

What is a thing they-..

Oh.

Hongjoong's face suddenly flushes all over, and he knows that Yunho just thought about the same thing from the way his eyes suddenly went big and ears went red.

"Oh.. Not.. Not that." Yunho shakes his head, his lips thinning like always does when he's embarrassed and Hongjoong would find it cute if he wasn't as embarrassed as him.

Hongjoong is imagining it now. Them saying that Hongjoong kissed Yunho, and the members obviously telling them that this is a lie, only for it to be the truth. Oh, they would have won this game for sure. It would have been quite funny actually, seeing the looks on their faces when they realize it. Hongjoong chuckles to himself.

"We would win for sure." Hongjoong says and now the chuckles turn into full on giggles. He doesn't know if it's because of the sleep deprivation and all the emotional turmoil he felt the last 24 hours or he just finds the situation really hilarious, but he can't stop laughing.

And Yunho looks confused at first, but Hongjoong's laughter must be contagious because he quickly joins him, covering his mouth with his hand. Because how absurd is this situation. They went through so much in the past few hours and Hongjoong feels like he's actually going insane.

"Sorry." He lets out a shaky breath when his laughter dies down a bit. But Yunho shakes his head, smiling bigger than he has been all day.

"No. It's okay." Yunho's about to reach his hand to pat Hongjoong on his back but decides against it. Hongjoong ignores the unpleasant flip in his stomach. "It's been a weird day." Yunho adds. Weird is definetely a way to put it.

"Yeah." Hongjoong sighs. "I'm exhausted." He chuckles and tries really hard not to rub against his eyes.

Yunho looks at him sympathetically.

"Look.. About yesterday I-" Yunho starts, and Hongjoong's heart skips a beat.

But San suddenly appears beside them and asks in whiny voice.

"Are you two finished? We're all waiting for you."

Oh yeah, right, the interview.

"Yeah." Hongjoong says even though they haven't even started but the interviewers don't have all day so. They're just going to nail it. "We're coming." He sends one last look toward Yunho's direction who seems disappointed. Hongjoong wonders what he was about to say to him, but he doesn't think he really wants to know. Not right now at least, in a room full of people. It will have to wait.

 

They go through four interviews all the afternoun, and Hongjoong is ready to drop in bed and sleeps for the next 12 hours when they finally go back to their hotel. The day actually went better than he thought. Things are getting a bit smoother with Yunho, they're actually capable of talking casually, not without a (big) hint of awkwardness from the both of them but it's better than avoiding eachother.

But Hongjoong can't shake off the new found attraction he has for Yunho. And maybe he realizes that it's not new found at all.

He's always found Yunho handsome. All the members do, they always compliment him on his looks when they get the chance. It would be easier to ignore if it was just that, handsomeness, because Hongjoong is constantly surrounded by handsome idols.

But no. Yunho has to be charming too. Funny but not cocky, a good listener but not less interesting himself. Kind. Always trying his best to make others smile. Hongjoong could list Yunho's qualities for hours. And he always has. But he just thought that he was just greatly appreciative of Yunho.

Now.. He feels things shift. He's connecting things, some of his reactions, of his feelings and realizes that he likes Yunho. He has liked Yunho for a while.

So that's why being rejected by him hurts so much.

That's really bad. He wants to laugh at the irony of realizing his own feelings after being rejected. What does he do with them now?

Hongjoong goes to his room alone after parting ways with Wooyoung. Yunho is probably going to sleep at Mingi's room tonight also, so he's got the room all by himself.

He showers, does his skincare and sits on his bed, starting to work on lyrics. Working will give him a break from all the thinking and feeling for at least a couple hours.

If not for the door of the room opening, revealing an awkward Yunho peaking at the entrance.

"Can I come in hyung?" He asks and Hongjoong gapes at him.

"Uh.. Yeah." He nods, sitting straighter on his bed.

Yunho enters the room and puts his bag on his bed, before taking off his jacket and throwing it on his suitcase. He picks out some of his clothes, and goes to the bathroom. Hongjoong realizes that he's staring, but he can't look away, suprise obvious on his face.

"I'll take a quick shower." He announces, and Hongjoong is not sure why exactly he's telling him but he nods in aknowledgment nonetheless.

He really didn't expect Yunho to come to their shared room tonight. He's relieved, in a way, to know that Yunho feels comfortable enough to sleep in the room as Hongjoong. But on the other end.. Hongjoong is not prepared to deal with his newly discovered feelings.

Yunho coming out of the shower hair wet and a white tank top on makes him want to scream in his pillow.

He tries really hard to focus on his lyrics and not look anywhere else. He starts writing gibbering to keep himself busy and ignore the way Yunho's arms look right now. Has he been working out more lately or is Hongjoong simply noticing it more? Whatever the reason, he needs to have his arms out of his sight or else he'll start having thoughts he really shouldn't have.

"What are you working on?" Yunho asks as he sits down on his bed (which is still right next to Hongjoong's, he didn't have the heart to put it back in place).

"Oh.. Just some lyrics." He erases the nonsense he just wrote in case Yunho decides to take a peak at what's on the screen. "I'm not very inspired though." He sighs. He knows he won't be able to focus with Yunho next to him right now. It's not because he can't focus with someone else in the room it's just.. Yunho. In a tank top.

"You're not tired?" Yunho asks, even though he knows damn well the answer since Hongjoong looks like he haven't slept in like 48 hours. Well. It's not far from the truth.

"Yeah." Hongjoong admits because there's not really a point in denying it. He closes his laptop, he's not going anywhere tonight anyway, and looks at Yunho, trying so hard not to stare down at his toned arms. "You.. You want to separate the beds?" He asks, about to stand up to do so before Yunho stops him.

"No it's fine." He assures him with a soft smile, but quickly adds.. "If it's okay with you."

Hongjoong is absolutely not okay with it. Yunho and his dumb muscular arms and his dumb sweet smile and dumb gorgeous brown eyes. He would be okay if Yunho went very far away and let him forget his existence. But a part of Hongjoong.. a Big part of Hongjoong relishes the idea of Yunho staying close to him. He hates that part of him. Stupid.

"Yeah it's okay." Hongjoong unfortunately listens to this part of him.

He puts his laptop away and gets comfortable behind the covers. He doesn't know if facing Yunho or turning his back on him would be more awkward, so he decides to just lie on his back, looking at the ceiling.

A silence starts to install itself and Hongjoong doesn't know what to do. Should he talk to break the awkwardness? But what would he say? Or should he just stay silent? But what if Yunho doesn't dare to speak and they just stay silent forever? What should he do, what should he do-

"Hyung." Yunho calls out, hesitant.

Hongjoong gulps.

"Yes?" He answers, trying to act as desinterested as possible.

"I don't want to be us to be awkward." Yunho says, and at that Hongjoong turns his head to look at him.

Yunho is anxiously biting his lower lip, looking back at Hongjoong with restless eyes.

"I don't want us to be awkward either." Hongjoong admits after a few seconds. He doesn't want to lose Yunho. Ever. Even if it feels repressing whatever he's feeling toward him.

"Okay.." Yunho sighs in relief. "Then.. Um.. I don't know how not to be awkward right now." He laughs a little, scratching his head.

Hongjoong smiles. "Let's just act like nothing ever happened." He says, because it's the only solution. Forget everything. He knows it would be impossible on his part, but at least they can pretend.

Yunho nods. "Okay. And.. I know you've been beating yourself over this but.. It's okay. It was just a kiss. I'm fine."

Hearing Yunho talking about the kiss directly and not in some roundabout way makes Hongjoong's ears turn pink.

"I.. Okay." He says. But he knows damn well it wasn't just a kiss. Yunho doesn't realize how Hongjoong feels about him right now. How much he wants to kiss him again. It was never just a kiss. But if it needed to be, then it would be. "At least it wasn't your first kiss." Hongjoong adds, laughing awkwardly to try to lighten the mood.

Yunho laughs and shakes his head. "No it wasn't. Sorry to disappoint you."

Hongjoong gasps at that and hit Yunho with his pillow. "I never wanted to be your first kiss!"

"Yeah yeah tell yourself that." Yunho grins. "Well.. Maybe it was your first kiss..?" Yunho teases jokingly.

Hongjoong huffs. "No it wasn't."

Hongjoong was actually telling the truth. He had sort of a boyfriend when he was in high school. They didn't last and it ended pretty badly but yeah. That's still a first.

"Oh." Yunho answers, looking surprised for some reason. Does Hongjoong look that inexperienced? He knows he never talks about his love life but still.

Yunho looks pensive, and Hongjoong wishes he could just tell what he is thinking because he's starting to feel nervous.

"You.. Who did you kiss?" Yunho asks, playing with the hem of his shorts.

Hongjoong is taken aback by the question. Why are they suddenly talking about their past love lives? Ugh, Hongjoong hates this type of discussion. But also.. Maybe he wants to know about Yunho's past too. Yunho is not as private as Hongjoong on the subject, but he's also not like San or Wooyoung who would tell every details they could (which, gross by the way). He likes to keep to himself. Hongjoong likes that because he's usually not really interested in these types of discussion but now.. Now he needs to know.

"Just a boy from high school. You don't know him." Hongjoong explains, and Yunho hums in understandment. It's the first time Hongjoong is openly talking about liking men with one of his members. It feels weird. But also.. Also good. Because Yunho doesn't have any reaction he wouldn't have if he was talking about a girl.

"That's it? You only kissed one person?" Yunho asks with no judgment in his voice, but a curiousity Hongjoong couldn't really pinpoint.

"Yeah.. Well. Two persons now." Hongjoong corrects and tries his best not to look as embarrassed as he feels.

Yunho smiles awkwardly. "Yeah. Right."

"And you? Who did you kiss?" Hongjoong asks, the need to know becoming more present. He wants to know what type of girl Yunho likes. What Hongjoong could never be.

Yunho's ears start to turn red at the question and Hongjoong chuckles. "Shut up." Yunho says, rubbing at his ears that always betray him. "I.. My first kiss was in high school too. A girl in my class who had a crush on me. I didn't really like her back I just.."

"Was too nice." Hongjoong finishes his sentence and Yunho nods.

"Yeah. I didn't know how to say no." He laughs and shakes his head. "But it didn't really go anywhere."

Hongjoong hums. Did he have any other kisses? Did he ever have a girlfriend? Hongjoong needs to know more.

"Have you ever had.." He starts, trying to sound not to eager to know, but he feels the sick feeling in his stomach pushing him to get more information. Information he knows would hurt him. But still. "A girlfriend? Like actual girlfriend?"

Yunho nods. "Yes." Hongjoong’s grip on the sheet get a bit tighter. "We broke up just before I joined the company." Yunho adds, his voice getting quieter.

"Why did you break up?" Hongjoong asks immediately.

"I knew it wouldn't work out with me becoming an idol.." Yunho says. "I still feel bad when I think about it." He laughs, a bit bitterly. "She was really kind."

Hongjoong feels an unpleasing knot forming in his stomach.

"Do you miss her?" He asks, his voice small. What if Yunho had never decided to become an idol? Would he still be with her today?

"Not anymore." Yunho shakes his head. "At first I did.. but no. I don't regret it either." He smiles at Hongjoong. "I would do it over and over again if it means finding you guys." He confesses, a bit shyly.

Hongjoong can not stop the smile from forming on his face. He's so lucky to have met Yunho. To live his dream with a person like him. He finds himself grabbing Yunho's hand without much thinking, squeezing it.

"I'm happy we found you too." Hongjoong could never imagine the group without Yunho. It didn't make any sense. It was destiny that brought him here. That brought them together.

Yunho squeezes his hand back, a smile so pure and honest on his face. Hongjoong feels his heart skip a beat. He looks beautiful.

"And you..?" Yunho asks after a few seconds. "Did you go out with the guy from high school?"

Hongjoong cringes a bit at the question. He would rather not think about this mess of a situation at all. He never really told anyone before. It was a thing he kept secret for.. how many years now? He didn't really count.

"Yeah." Hongjoong says briefly. "Not for long though."

"Why did you break up?" Yunho asks, interest clear in his voice.

Here we go, Hongjoong sighs. He could just not talk about it, or just straight up lie, but he hates lying to Yunho. And maybe he wants to finally talk about it with someone he trusts. Because as much as he likes to think that this relationship didn't affect him, he realized after a while that it maybe did more damage than he thought at the time.

"He never really liked me." Hongjoong lets out, feeling embarrassed admitting it out loud. "He.. It was just a dare from his friends. I guess." He says, trying to act nonchalant even though he feels the anxiety of the whole situation rising up in his chest just at the memory. His first kiss would always be with someone who played with him, mocked him, humiliated him. And he hated himself for falling for it. He still kind of does, sometimes.

Yunho's eyes widden, mouth opened in disbelief. "Oh hyung.. I'm sorry."

Hongjoong shakes his head. "It's okay Yunho.. It was years ago." He chuckles forcely, but he knows that it doesn't sound convincing at all.

Yunho caresses his hand with his thumb, and Hongjoong tries to focus on the sensation to ignore the tears coming up. He's stronger than this. He moved on now. It doesn’t matter anymore.

He wasn't affected by it now. The way his first kiss with a boy felt, confirming all the doubts and forbidden thoughts he had when he was young. The way he finally felt the warmth in his stomach everyone talked about. How happy he was having his first boyfriend, holding hands shyly, hiding behind the trees near his house. How it all crashed down when he heard snickering behind him as he arrived at school the next day. How the boy had looked at him, a disgusted snarl on his face. The word his friends had called him that day. He didn't know the meaning at the time, but he understood nonetheless. Everyone did. No. He completely forgot all of it. He doesn't care anymore.

"Still." Yunho insists, voice soft. "You didn't deserve this, hyung."

It's too late. Hongjoong feels the first tears rolling down his cheeks and he tries to hide them as fast as possible with his hands. Because Yunho is right. He never deserved it.

Yunho is on his bed in a second, taking Hongjoong into his arms, squeezing him against his chest.

And Hongjoong cries. He hides his face against Yunho, trying to muffle his embarrassing sobs, his shaky hands grasping at Yunho's shirt. He tries to stop himself, to even his breathing, but the tears keep coming and coming and Hongjoong falls helpless to them. It's been a long time since he has cried about this situation. But talking about it makes it feel real. It's not something he made up, it's not something that he could just brush away. It's a thing he would always carry with him.

"You're okay." Yunho whispers, keeping Hongjoong close to him, caressing his back gently.

Hongjoong feels himself calm down after some time, sobs turning into faint sniffles. The embarrassment of crying so much crashing down on him.

"I'm sorry." Hongjoong winces and Yunho immediately shakes his head.

"Don't be sorry. You have nothing to apologize for." He reassures him, still keeping him close even though Hongjoong is not crying anymore.

"Why am I crying so much these days.." Hongjoong complains with a frustrated huff. Yunho chuckles at that.

"It's important to cry sometimes you know.." Yunho conforts, still running his hand down his back. Hongjoong likes being in his arms. He doesn't want to let go.

"Yeah whatever.." Hongjoong answers grumpily, his voice a bit muffed by Yunho's (comfy) chest.

The members are always quite intimate with eachother. Most of them don't shy away from kisses on the cheeks, hugs or touches. But Hongjoong is the more on the reserved type. He's not that distant, but he's rarely the one to iniate physical contact. It's not really his thing, and he's afraid of making the other members uncomfortable due to his own preferences. But he realizes now that he's quite an idiot, because he has never felt better than he is now, in Yunho's arms. The warmth of his body pressed against him, the light caress from his hand, the way he can feel his heartbeat.

He loves it too much. It should be concerning, should make him panic, but he would have to overthink it later because right now he feels like he could melt from how comfortable and warm he's feeling.

Yunho doesn't seem to mind either, or he's too kind to push Hongjoong away, because he doesn't let go either.

"Thank you." Hongjoong whispers, not really sure if Yunho can actually hear him.

Yunho just holds him tighter.

 

They get better, Yunho and Hongjoong. The conversation that night really ease their awkwardness and make it seem like everything is back to normal.

Except it isn't. And Hongjoong is well aware of it.

Hongjoong feels a vivid and urgent pull towards Yunho whenever he's close to him. Yunho would be just sitting beside him, scrolling down his phone or talking to Mingi or watching tv, and Hongjoong would feel his hand twitch, fingers tingling, desesperate to find itself on Yunho. It doesn't matter where. It could be a hand on his shoulder, on his back, on his arm. Whatever. But Hongjoong needs to touch him, all the time.

He fights himself for it. He can't just touch Yunho whenever he wants, knowing the fact that Hongjoong wasn't that much of a touchy person before. Even though it was always easier with Yunho. Seonghwa said it himself, Hongjoong can do skinship with Yunho well. Hongjoong thought about it a lot when he first said it, and he has to admit that he kinds of agree. But still.. it never was too much of it. Now.. Now Hongjoong feels like dying every time he's not touching Yunho in any way.

It will become a problem really soon, he fears.

Because Hongjoong indulges himself sometimes. Nothing too crazy. Just a hand on his back whenever they're walking side by side, or dropping his head on his shoulder when they're sitting close. Nothing that could actually betray the emotional turmoil Hongjoong is going through.

But it is getting harder and harder to just stick to that.

They're currently on the plane to go back to Korea after the last concert of their tour last night. Hongjoong wasn't sure if he was happy or worried when he found out his seat was right next to Yunho. Still, he sat there without any protest and tried to get his mind out of things, watching outside the window. But the clouds became boring really quickly, making his attention go back to the man next to him.

Yunho is watching a movie Hongjoong doesn't recognize on his laptop, brows furrowed in concentration, hair messy with a loose shirt and black joggings on. Hongjoong can not stop himself from thinking about how hot he looks right now.

Hongjoong tries not to have any inappropriate thoughts about Yunho. He feels like it would maybe be disrespectful toward him, in some way. But Hongjoong is only human, with a stupid crush. And when Yunho looks like this, he can't stop his mind from wandering to uncharted territories.

Yunho is installed lazily on his sit, almost laying down, legs apart and shirt rising just a little bit, not actually showing anything but just enough to make Hongjoong feel like he could actually go insane right now. Hongjoong swallows difficultly, his eyes going naturally to Yunho's thighs.

Yunho has pretty legs. Long, and way bigger than Hongjoong's. And his thighs.. Oh they are sinful. Hongjoong feels the natural twitch in his hand coming back, urging himself to just touch, grab and feel the muscles on his legs. He could just do it casually. Yeah, is it weird to put your hand on your friend's thigh? Hongjoong tries to convince himself, but deep down he knows how terrible that idea is.

But still. Yunho. Thighs. Ugh.

"Hongjoong hyung?" A soft voice tears his stare from Yunho's thighs, looking up to find Yunho's eyes on him.

Oh. He's not been discreet at all. Shit.

Hongjoong feels his face warming up. Yunho totally noticed himself staring. He's such an idiot.

"Uh.. Sorry.. Was just. Lost in my thoughts." Hongjoong tries to explain awkwardly, waving his hands vaguely. That will do the trick. Yep.

A few seconds of nervous silence goes by, Hongjoong trying to find an easy way out of the plane (what if he broke and jumped out the window?) before Yunho speaks up.

"Uh.. I was just going to ask if you have your airpods with you. Mines are dead." He explains, voice hesitant and Hongjoong's face flushes a bit redder.

Yunho didn't notice at all. But Hongjoong totally gave himself away from his reaction. Quick. Open the window and jump.

"Oh. Yeah.. Sure.. Uh. Give me a sec."

He turns around to look through his bag, hands shaking and taking way more time than he should normally to find these damn airpods. He finally takes them out and give them to Yunho.

Yunho's cheeks are a bit red now too.

"Thank you." He takes the airpods, and if he notices how shaky Hongjoong hands are, he doesn't mention it.

"Yeah no problem." Hongjoong clears his throat, looking right ahead of him, realizing just now that he gave his only source of possible distraction to Yunho. Well. Great. Now he can just think about what happened for the rest of the flight.

 

Hongjoong tries to ignore it now, the burning desire to put his hands on Yunho whenever he's close. He has to fight it or else Yunho will definitely notice that Hongjoong kissing him was not a "one time thing" like he pretented so hard it was. He has to be careful. He can't risk it.

Hongjoong is preparing his morning coffee in the kitchen, faintly listening to the chattering from the members at the table. He's lazily stirring his coffee, barely awake when he feels a large hand on his waist, and a sudden overwhelming warmth on his back. He whips his head, ready to push back (probably Wooyoung judging from the shameless skinship), but his eyes land on Yunho.

Yunho. Who's currently almost pressing his chest against his back and is calmly trailing down his hand on his waist. What.

Hongjoong sucks in a breath, heart suddenly hammering against his chest and face flushing at the unexpected proximity from the man who's been monopolizing his thoughts for days now. He's suddenly very aware of every finger pressing him. He must be still asleep. In a deep dream. Why is Yunho so close?

But Yunho looks totally unfazed and just reaches for the sugar right next to Hongjoong's coffee. He takes it, gives Hongjoong a small smile before leaving Hongjoong there, his hand giving a last faint squeeze on his waist before dropping.

Huh.

Hongjoong stands there, urging his face to calm down and stop being so red because what the hell. Yunho has never been this touchy with him. And Hongjoong has this new thing of ignoring and shoving down his feelings so why is Yunho suddenly touching him like that. He probably didn't notice, right? He's just extra touchy this morning for some reason. He maybe thought Hongjoong was just Mingi who lost a bit of height. Yeah. That must be it.

He goes to join the members at the table, ignoring the way his legs shake a little as he walks. Yunho will be the death of him.

 

Turns out Yunho didn't mistake him for Mingi. Because he doesn't stop here. He's being very touchy with Hongjoong lately. Standing close to him, trailing his hand down his back or putting his hand just so innocently on his hip. And Hongjoong feels himself going insane. Because he doesn't push him away like he would with any other member. No. He just stands there, frozen, face red and his brain going slack at a single touch from Yunho.

What is actually going on?

Does Yunho know how he feels? Is he doing this to get a reaction out of him? For fun? Hongjoong feels a sudden knot in his stomach. There's no way Yunho straight ass wants him that way, so that must be it. He figured it all out. And he's actually toying with him. Trying to get him all shy and bothered and its fucking working and he's so so dumb for..

Wait. No. Yunho would never do that, would he? Yunho isn't cruel. Yunho isn't the boy from high school. Yunho is kind and a good friend. He would never play with Hongjoong's heart like this. At least not on purpose.

But no one is completely innocent. No one is completely selfless. Hongjoong knows that better than anyone. He's far from perfect himself.

And Yunho can't like him like that. So there has to be another reason for his sudden closeness. Hongjoong needs to know what.

 

The next time Hongjoong finds himself alone with Yunho is on a random thursday night, after a long day of practicing for their upcoming comeback. All the members went out to eat and go bowling, but only Yunho and Hongjoong stayed at the dorm, too tired to join the others. Yunho asked Hongjoong if he wanted to watch a movie with him. So that's why they're both sitting on the couch, the trash of their takeout still on the table as an action movie is playing on the living room's big television.

They're sitting at a normal distance, each of them occupying one corner of the couch. Hongjoong is grateful for it because at least he can breathe normally.

"Look, right here!" Yunho lets out, excited as the people start to fight on the screen. Hongjoong doesn't know that one, but Yunho seems to know it by heart already. He was so happy to show it to Hongjoong for that the first time that he just couldn't say no. The movie is actually good but the way Yunho grins everytime Hongjoong makes a reaction of some sort is even better.

"It was an improv actually. I read it somewhere."

"Oh really? That's so cool." Hongjoong answers, genuinely interested, loving the way Yunho always knows so much about these types of movie. It's cute.

"I know! It's one my favorites I think." Yunho smiles so big it almost reach his ears."I'm glad you like it."

Hongjoong fights very hard the urge to kiss him right now, and just smiles back.

The movie ends on a cliffhanger and Hongjoong groans because he was actually invested. Yunho just giggles, probably enjoying making Hongjoong suffer.

"We can watch the next one next time if you want to.." Yunho offers and how could Hongjoong say no when he looks so excited?

"I'd love that." Because he actually needs to know what happen next and he's happy to hang out with Yunho more, despite all the feelings and awkwardness and touching stuff. He's never as relaxed and as care free as he is when he's with Yunho. He doesn't want it to ever end.

None of them move, staying sitted on the couch as the end credits come to an end.

Hongjoong clears his throat, suddenly not knowing what to say now. How to keep the thing going.

"So.." He starts but Yunho speaks at the same time.

"Can I lie down a minute?" He asks, looking at Hongjoong expectendly.

He's surprised at the request, not really knowing what Yunho means. Why would he ask to lie down?

"Yeah sure. You don't have to ask." Hongjoong chuckles awkwardly and Yunho's small smile makes his heart do a thing.

Yunho lies down on his back, and rests his head on Hongjoong's lap, looking up at him with a shy smile on his face.

Oh.

Well.

Hongjoong swallows dryly, feeling suddenly nervous. Why is his face so close. Why is he looking up at him like that.

"Is it okay?" Yunho asks, sounding worried.

He can't do it. He can't. It takes everything in him not to reach out and actually runs his hand through Yunho's hair and kiss him and tells him just how much he feels for him and how good he smells and how he want to stay here forever-

"Yeah." Hongjoong answers in a breath, hoping that Yunho can't actually hear how loud his heart is beating.

Yunho looks at him, still smiling, and Hongjoong wants to know what he thinks about so bad. He's just so scared to find out.

"You can touch my hair if you want to." Yunho says, casually, like it's nothing.

Hongjoong wants to scream.

But his mind just goes numb instead and his hand start moving before he can even realize, starting to touch the tips of Yunho's black hair. He caresses it carefully, like it could burn him. The tips is a bit damaged but not that much. Yunho's hair is quite healthy. He starts feeling the length, running his fingers down and smiles at how smooth his hair actually is. He goes further up and touches Yunho's scalp, starting to add pressure. Yunho hums in confort, making Hongjoong looks away from his hair to look back at his face, bringing back the awaraness of their proximity.

"Feels good hyung." Yunho smiles, his eyes still locked on Hongjoong.

He must know what he's doing. He can't not know.

"Yeah?" He answers, his voice shaking.

Yunho hums, closing his eyes for a few seconds, getting lost in the touch of Hongjoong's fingers.

Hongjoong's heart is going to burst out of his chest anytime soon. But he's still massaging Yunho's scalp, a beam of warmth at the pit of his stomach knowing that he's the one who's making Yunho feel good right now.

If Hongjoong has found Yunho handsome before, it's nothing compared to what he thinks now. He can see his face up close, how smooth and flawless his skin look, how his eyelashes look so pretty against his cheeks. He's beautiful.

"You're staring." Yunho points out.

Hongjoong's hand stop his movements.

"I'm sorry-" He says, a sudden panic rushing over him, his hand leaving Yunho's hair but Yunho takes his wrist gently.

"I didn't say it was bothering me." Yunho adds, before putting Hongjoong's hand against his own cheek.

The warmth in his stomach comes up to his chest and reaches the point of his ears.

"Oh. Um."

Hongjoong rests his hand in place, feeling a spark at the tips of his fingers. Yunho's skin feels as soft as it looks. His hand is starting to shake slightly.

Yunho turns his head slightly, and presses a light kiss at the palm of Hongjoong's hand.

Hongjoong's breath hitches audibly.

"Yunho.. What.." He stutters, because he can't pretend it's normal anymore. Is Yunho actually making a move on him? What is he doing?

"Do you want me to stop?" Yunho asks innocently as he looks at Hongjoong through his eyelashes.

No. Of course not.

Hongjoong opens his mouth but is suddenly stopped by the front door opening and loud chatters filling the living room.

Yunho sits up immediately.

"I'm sure San cheated! There's no way I'm actually worse than him!" Wooyoung's whining voice is followed by a few laughters and an offended gasp from San.

Hongjoong looks at Yunho, breathing heavily. Was it real? He tries to find Yunho's eyes, to help him process it, but Yunho doesn't look back. Instead, Yunho stands up and joins the members, his casual smile back on his face.

"So... Who won?" He asks as he leans on the table.

"Jongho." All the members except Jongho groan, making the latter chuckles proudly.

"As expected." Yunho smiles.

Hongjoong looks at his hand which Yunho just kissed, still feeling the ghost of his lips on his skin, the sound of the members talking and laughing feeling so distant right now. Because Yunho kissed his hand. Yunho made a move on him. Yunho jumped like he was electrocuted when the members walked in. But still. It means something, right?

Hongjoong looked back at the members. Even if it meant something, even if by some miracle Yunho is interested in him, it could never happen. It's not fair for any of them.

Hongjoong stands up.

"I.." He starts, and stops a few seconds when the members turn to look at him. "I'm going to bed early tonight. Please don't be too loud." Hongjoong says with a tired smile.

"Okay we won't hyung." Wooyoung assures him, and the others nod in agreement.

Seonghwa approaches Hongjoong, talking a bit more quietly.

"You okay?" He asks, a worried frown on his face and Hongjoong nods immediately.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine don't worry. Just tired." He pats Seonghwa's shoulder awkwardly and waves at the others. He tries not to feel a bit sad seeing Yunho talking with Mingi, not looking at him.

"Okay. Sleep well." Seonghwa answers softly, as Hongjoong leaves the living room and shuts himself in his bedroom.

He lies on his bed immediately, not caring about his skincare tonight (which he knows he will regret tomorrow), and groans in frustration into his pillow.

He doesn't understand Yunho, he doesn't understand any of this. Did he imagine it? The way Yunho looked at him? Kissed his hand? Leaned into his touch? Was it all in Hongjoong's head?

Hongjoong lies there for what could be minutes or hours, tossing around, trying to shut his brain off but the thought of everything that happened with Yunho still vivid in his mind.

He sighs as he can't seem to be falling asleep anytime soon, taking his phone in surrender. He needs to distract himself or else he would lose it.

But his hearts skips a beat as he sees he received one message from ten minutes ago.

From Yunho.

He bites his lip, and shakely opens the message, expectant.

 

yunho
you're asleep?

 

Hongjoong hesitates for a few seconds. Should he pretend he didn't see the message? But the desire to talk to Yunho is stronger than his worries, so he sends a quick reply.

 

hongjoong
no, why?

 

He looks at the screen, waiting for Yunho's response which thankfully doesn't take more than a minute to come.

 

yunho
sorry for acting weird when the members came home

 

Hongjoong's breath hitches. So they're addressing it. Okay. It takes Hongjoong more time to reply this time, as he sits up on his bed, nervously shaking his leg.

 

hongjoong
it's fine you did nothing wrong

 

Hongjoong hits send. He doesn't know how much things Yunho wants to aknowledge. Or if Hongjoong is reading too much into it. He doesn't want to make a fool of himself. So he tries to stay as vague and detached as possible. Hongjoong won't be the first one to talk about, and if Yunho wants to ignore it, whatever it is, then Hongjoong will too.

A few minutes go by without a reply, and Hongjoong is worried Yunho actually fell asleep, when his phone buzzes again.

 

yunho
i just

 

Hongjoong looks at his screen expectendly as Yunho writes and erases his message for a few minutes. Before he finally gets another one.

 

yunho
i can't stop thinking about the kiss

 

Hongjoong looks at the text, reading the words over and over again because did he actually read that right? What does Yunho mean by that? Hongjoong's heart could burst out off his chest at any second by how fast it's beating, and his hands are completely shaking now as he types out his response.

 

hongjoong
i'm sorry for kissing you, i made all of this awkward

 

yunho
no no
i didn't mean it like that
just
i think i want you to kiss me again

 

Hongjoong is frozen. It's not true. It can not be. He must have read that wrong because there is no way Yunho just sent that. That Yunho wants to kiss Hongjoong. No. It doesn't make any sense. But yet. The words are still there, unmoving on the screen, when Hongjoong feels like they could disappear at any given moment.

Hongjoong stands up, his phone thrown on the bed, as he's trying to figure out what the hell is happening. And what he could even answer to that.

Yunho wants to kiss him? He's.. into him? How could that even be possible? Isn't he straight?

The questions spiral into Hongjoong's mind, as he walks back and forth, thinking about what to answer. What does he even want to do? Confess that he feels the same way? That he can't stop thinking about him since the kiss? But this can't do. They can't do that again. They need to move on before it becomes a bigger mess than it is already.

Hongjoong is about to take his phone to finally answer when he hears a few knocks on his door. He stops, caught off guard.

"Hyung, it's me."

Yunho.

What should he do, what should he do.

"Please, can I come in?" Hongjoong has never heard Yunho's voice sound so vulnerable before.

He grabs his head in his hands, breathing deeply. Well. Fuck it.

He opens the door before he can regret it, facing Yunho who look as restless as he feels. They stare at eachother for a few moments, before Hongjoong steps aside, letting him in.

"Thank you." Yunho says quietly, as he goes past Hongjoong.

Hongjoong closes the door, the room quiet as they both stand there, not really looking at eachother.

"So.." Hongjoong starts.

"I.. I'm sorry for what I said. I don't know why I said that, I probably freaked you out." Yunho blurts out in a breath, finally looking at Hongjoong.

Hongjoong bites his lip nervously. He needs to know the truth.

"Did you mean it?"

"What?" Yunho asks, surprised.

Hongjoong looks at his own hands, trying his best to control his evergrowing nervousness.

"Did you mean it. That you want to.. want me to kiss you again?" Hongjoong asks, and he fights the urge to wince at his own words. He feels so ridiculous. Even though Yunho is the one that said it first. It just.. It must have been a mistake.

A few seconds of silence.

"I did.. I do." Yunho answers, and Hongjoong chuckles to himself.

He can't believe it. So it's real. Yunho might like him back?

"Wow I.. I didn't expect that, you know." Hongjoong laughs, rubbing his hands against his face.

Yunho laughs too, but it sounds bittersweet to his ears.

"Yeah. Me neither."

Hongjoong takes his hands off and finally looks at Yunho. He looks distressed, and a bit tired. He wonders how much he thought about their kiss. What made him want to kiss Hongjoong again.

Hongjoong feels his heart beats faster, louder. Yunho wants to kiss him. And Hongjoong has been dying to do so.

"I want to kiss you again, too." Hongjoong admits, because hell. Why not. He can not think rationally when he's with Yunho. He approaches him, tentativily, hands sweaty as he tries to dry them on his jogging.

"Oh." Yunho says, his eyes widening just a little bit as Hongjoong gets closer.

"I don't know how to do this." Hongjoong confesses, voice shaking. He is really inexperienced when it comes to things like that.

Yunho bites his lip, and Hongjoong doesn't miss the way his eyes trail down slowly to his own lips. Oh. That's..

"Let's just.." Yunho is the one coming closer now. Hongjoong feels tingle all over his body, a pleasant warmth at the pit of his stomach. Are they really going to? Is this really happening?

Yunho places his hand on Hongjoong's waist tentatively, making Hongjoong catches his breath.

"You okay?" Yunho asks, as their bodies go closer and closer, Hongjoong's eyes never leaving his face.

He nods. He's okay. Apart from the fact that he wants this so bad he feels his legs almost giving out underneath his weight. Yunho's grip on his waist tightens.

"Okay." Yunho says, as their noses brush against eachother slightly.

Hongjoong closes his eyes. And finally, Yunho presses his lips against Hongjoong's.

Hongjoong's put his arms around Yunho's neck almost on instinct, bringing him closer as they slowly move their lips against eachother, hesitant, clumsy. But it quickly become more comfortable, finding a good rythm. Hongjoong's heart is hammering against his chest, his brain not processing any of this.

But it feels good. So good. Hongjoong sighs in content into the kiss, and he feels Yunho hums against him.

They break apart, breathing heavily, Hongjoong noticing immediately how red Yunho's ears are now. He must be a blushing mess too, judging by the warmness he feels in his cheeks.

"Wow." Yunho just says. Hongjoong wants to kiss him again already.

"Yeah?" Hongjoong asks, feeling a bit nervous about his own performance.

Yunho nods and puts his forehead against Hongjoong’s as he catches his breath. Hongjoong feels tingles all over his body. He can’t believe whats happening. Yunho kissed him. He can’t help the smile from forming on his face.

Yunho has his eyes closed, and Hongjoong takes advantage of the fact to really look at him. They’re so close Hongjoong feels like he could count his eyelashes. He looks beautiful. But Hongjoong also quickly notices the slight frown he sees on his face.

“You okay?” Hongjoong asks, suddenly feeling worried. Did he do something wrong?

Yunho nods, backing a little bit away from Hongjoong.

“It’s just.. really confusing. All of this.” Yunho answers, voice trembling slightly.

Hongjoong feels the warmness he felt all over his body from the kiss leaving.

“What.. What do you mean?” Hongjoong asks, voice cracking.

Yunho takes a shaky breath. “I just.. it’s new. For me. I’m not sure of what I even feel.. Or why it feels good.. I’m sorry.” Yunho rubs his eyes in frustration, his hands trembling.

“No no don’t be..” Hongjoong tries to reassure him immediately. “It’s okay to be lost.. I went through it too.”

“But you were so young.. I should have figured it before if I liked men.. No?” Yunho asks, now looking at Hongjoong with glassy eyes.

Hongjoong understands. He knows how hard it can be to come to terms with your sexuality. Especially in an industry where the subject is still taboo. But seeing Yunho so afraid of realizing he might be just like him.. No. It’s not about himself. Yunho needs him.

“It’s never too late to realize who you like..” Hongjoong insists.

“But I don’t know.. I.. I don’t know what I feel.” Yunho’s lips start to tremble.

Hongjoong has rarely seen Yunho like that. Yunho is so brave, so cheerful, so strong. He almost never talks about his negative emotions, and Hongjoong foolishly thought that he mustn’t have that many then. But he knows. He knows that Yunho just hides them until he can’t anymore. Until he breaks.

Hongjoong takes him into his arms, squeezing him the best he can against his chest.

“You’re okay Yunho.. It’s okay. You don’t have to figure it out right now. Don’t torture yourself about it.” Hongjoong caresses his back, and fights to urge to cry when he feels Yunho hipcups slightly against his shoulder.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Yunho lets out difficultly. Hongjoong feels his stomach turn unpleasantly. He ignores it.

“You won’t..” Hongjoong shushes even though he’s not sure of it himself. “We don’t have to do that again if it’s too much for you..”

Yunho shakes his head immediately.

“No I want to.. I think.. I just.” He tries his best to even his breathing while Hongjoong caresses his back patiently. “I don’t know how I feel. I want..”

“To be casual?” Hongjoong tries to help him. “To just.. try to explore your sexuality?”

Yunho waits a few seconds before noding.

Hongjoong feels his heart squeezes painfully. It’s a bad idea. A terrible one even. Hongjoong knows that what he feels for Yunho is more than pure physical attraction. Yunho probably doesn’t know that. And maybe Yunho will find out that he doesn’t like guys in the end. Or that he doesn’t like Hongjoong. That he doesn’t want to keep going. Maybe. But Hongjoong, in that moment, can not say no. Because Yunho offers him something. Something he’s been wanting. Hongjoong can not let that go.

“You don’t have to say yes, I don’t want to make you waste your time or-” Yunho starts rambling when Hongjoong takes too long to respond but Hongjoong shakes his head immediately.

“Yes. I want to do this. The casual thing.” Hongjoong answers, feeling certain in his choice despite it all.

“You’re sure?” Yunho asks, and Hongjoong nods.

“Of course.”

Yunho nods. “Okay..” He sniffles. “Sorry for crying.”

Hongjoong chuckles at that.

“It has become our habit to cry into each other’s arms.” He teases and Yunho laughs a bit weakly. “You should go to bed though. You look exhausted.” Hongjoong says as Yunho slightly breaks the hug.

Yunho just nods and smiles tiredly.

“Okay hyung.. Thank you.” Yunho says, and Hongjoong sees him hesitate for a few seconds before he leans in and presses a slight kiss on the corner of his mouth. Hongjoong’s heart can’t help but flutter.

“Good night hyung.”

“Good night Yunho.”

 

And so it starts. Their casual thing. It’s nothing crazy, really. They just share a few kisses when they can, in the dark of one of their rooms, where no one can see them. But Hongjoong loves it too much. He didn’t know kissing someone could feel so good, so perfect. They learn how to move against eachother, what the other likes.. Hongjoong almost forgets how much of a bad idea he thought it was going to be because right now he just tries to enjoy whatever he can have.

Kissing Yunho has become his new favorite thing.

And they just happen to have, coincidentally and not at all on purpose, both decline the group outing to a japanese restaurant tonight.

Yunho is opening the door of his room just a few minutes after the members have left. Hongjoong is sitting on his bed, smiling knowingly.

“Someone seems eager.” Hongjoong laughs teasingly and Yunho just pouts a little but still sits on the bed right next to Hongjoong.

“You were waiting for me.” Yunho points out. Hongjoong continues to smile.

“Maybe I was.”

It doesn’t take more for Yunho to close the gap between them, crashing his lips against Hongjoong’s.

Hongjoong reacts immediately, kissing him back like he’s been starving for days (he basically was). He puts one hand in his hair, keeping himself grounded as Yunho immediately parts Hongjoong’s lips with his tongue.

Oh. They sometimes use tongues but it usually comes way later than this, and not this.. intense. Yunho really does seem eager today.

But Hongjoong obliges immediately, parting his lips to let Yunho’s tongue explore his mouth. It probably look messy and disgusting, but Yunho knows how to do it. And Hongjoong absolutely loves it. Maybe too much. Because he feels himself starting to get a bit warm all over, hand gripping Yunho’s hair tighter.

Yunho doesn’t stop at all. He continues kissing him, and even nibbles a little on his lower lip, as his body gets closer and closer to Hongjoong’s. He is starting to feel really aroused. Hongjoong squeezes his thighs together, the warmness starting to go downward. Shit. But Yunho doesn’t seem to stop anytime soon. And Hongjoong doesn’t want him to.

Actually. He wants him so bad.

Yunho moves a little to get more confomfortable, putting his knee between Hongjoong’s thighs, prying them apart a little.

It’s enough for Hongjoong to moan loudly against Yunho’s lips.

Yunho suddenly freezes.

Fuck. Shit.

Hongjoong breaks the kiss immediately, dropping his head back and squeezing his eyes shut in embarrassment.

“Fuck Yunho I’m sorry I.. It’s.. It’s just..” Hongjoong tries to explain but the words die down quickly, his breathing still heavy from the heated kiss, and the tent in his pants not going anywhere.

He’s the worst. It was probably too much for Yunho. He freaked him out. They never went that far before, their kisses are always more on the chast side.

But Yunho.. Yunho kissed him like that. Right? But still, moaning like that from being kissed.. Hongjoong’s cheeks are flushed pink in shame.

“You.. You’re hard.” Yunho points out and Hongjoong groans at the very obvious and humiliating statement.

“I’m sorry. It will go away just.. a few seconds, sorry.” Hongjoong bites his lip hard, trying to make the problem leave but Yunho’s leg not moving from between his thighs is making it unbelievably hard.

Hongjoong is about to move away for his own sake when he suddenly feels Yunho’s hand on his knee, making him open his eyes in surprise.

Yunho doesn’t look grossed out. At all. Sure, he looks a bit distraught, but his eyes are fixated on Hongjoong’s crotch, with a.. curious look on his face?

Hongjoong stops breathing for a few seconds. He feels himself almost squirm under Yunho’s prying eyes.

Yunho’s tears his eyes difficultly from his crotch to go to Hongjoong’s eyes, making him gulp in apprehension. He is awfully quiet now. Hongjoong doesn’t feel like talking either, afraid of breaking whatever is going on. A few seconds go by, and Yunho’s hand starts moving upward, making its way on Hongjoong’s thigh. Hongjoong’s knee jerks slightly, feeling the arousal in his stomach slowly creeping back as Yunho’s starts to caress his thigh, not breaking eye contact.

“Yunho..” Hongjoong’s voice comes out shakily, but Yunho doesn’t say anything, starting to grope Hongjoong’s thigh with more force. Hongjoong lets out a surprised yelp.

He doesn’t know what to do. Or what Yunho is thinking right now. But he finds out that he doesn’t care, because Yunho is touching him. And that’s the only thing that matters.

But Yunho puts out his hand too soon, and Hongjoong immediately misses the touch. Yunho sits back down, his back on the wall. He pats his own lap.

“Come..?” Yunho asks, hesitant. Hongjoong’s breathing quickens. Yunho wants him to sit on his lap. He feels on autopilot as he obeys, his hands shaking from the anticipation. He sits on Yunho’s lap, his ass on his thighs and his knees on either side of him. His hard-on is now even more obvious, and Yunho is not even pretending not to look at it. Hongjoong realizes shamefully that the embarrassment this causes makes him even more aroused.

“It’s my first time seeing another man hard this close..” Yunho says, with a curiosity almost scientific and Hongjoong squirms under his gaze.

“I’m sorry..” Hongjoong apologizes again, even though he sees now that Yunho doesn’t look bothered by it.

“Can you take off your shirt?” Yunho asks, his cheeks harboring a pink flush matching Hongjoong’s.

“Oh uh..” Hongjoong is surprised by the request. He didn’t think that it was going to head that way at all.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to hyung..” Yunho reassures him, his usual kindness back on his face immediately. Hongjoong finds comfort in it. It’s still Yunho. It’s always been Yunho. And he knows he can trust him.

“Okay.” Hongjoong nods, as he slowly starts to take off his shirt under Yunho’s curious gaze. When fully off, he tosses it on the floor, looking at Yunho, trying to find the strength not to hide himself.

Hongjoong is not ashamed of his body by any means. He just doesn’t show it off often. And having Yunho this close, looking at him like that.. Yeah it’s totally different than changing in front of the others. Hongjoong bites his lip nervously.

Yunho eyes trail his torso, seemingly looking at everything, from his toned stomach to his lean arms back to his pecs. Hongjoong takes pride in his chest. He knows it looks good. And judging from the way Yunho’s eyes stop there a few seconds, Yunho seems to think so too.

“Can I touch you?” Yunho asks, an eagerness clear in his voice and Hongjoong’s stomach flips. He nods, not trusting his voice right now.

Yunho’s hand starts by touching his waist, trailing his finger gently on the skin, Hongjoong trying hard not to squirm from the ticklish feeling. He hovers over his stomach, caressing, Hongjoong’s breath hitches when he goes by his belly button.

He then comes up to his chest. He only touches it with the tip of his fingers, Hongjoong biting his lip when he brushes past his nipple. He feels like he’s getting harder any second, but at this point he’s too gone to even care. The way Yunho looks at him, the way his fingers touch his skin in a way no one has touched him before. The moment feels suspended in time. Hongjoong holds his breath as he watches Yunho’s hand does its work.

Yunho takes his time, going back to Hongjoong’s stomach and now putting directly the palm of his hand on him, pressing at some places, and caressing the bare skin. It feels incredibly hot, but also soothing. And Hongjoong is starting to be used to the pleasant feeling when Yunho’s hand goes back to his chest, cupping one of his pec in his hand.

Hongjoong’s surprised moan fills the silence of the room.

But instead of stopping this time, Yunho’s eyes just seem more determined, as he squeezes slightly around the roudness of the flesh. Hongjoong didn’t know he was that sensitive in this area, but he has to bite his lip to prevent himself from moaning again.

“Yunho..” He breathes out, in warning or in contempt, he doesn’t really know himself.

Yunho continues, toying with his chest, squeezing it and then caressing it. He even starts paying attention to his now hard nipples. Hongjoong feels like going insane. He didn’t know it was even possible for him to be that turned on. His dick starting to feel painful by how hard it is from just Yunho’s hands on his skin.

He breathes heavily, failing to suppress some of the moans and whines leaving his lips. But Yunho seems to like it more and more, making the same thing again every time it causes a reaction from Hongjoong.

What almost makes Hongjoong comes immediately however, is Yunho suddenly taking one of his nipple in his mouth, his tongue licking timidly at it.

“Yunho wha-..” He starts off but is cut off by his own loud gasp as Yunho starts sucking on it, his hand still squeezing his other pec. He will be the death of him. He can’t do it. He feels so many things at the same time, he still can’t fathom the fact that Yunho’s hands and now mouth are on him, making him feel things he’s never felt before. The sinful noise of Yunho sucking on his nipple making the blush on his face worse. He feels like he could come from this. He feels something coming up from deep inside his stomach. Shit. He might come.

“Y-Yunho I.. Yunho.. St-”

The door of the room opens wide.

“Hongjoong! The restaurant was closed so we brought some chicken instead, do you want to-..” Seonghwa’s voice dies down as he lays eyes on Hongjoong and Yunho.

Hongjoong and Yunho. On the bed. With Hongjoong, half naked, straddling Yunho’s lap with his mouth and hands on him.
Hongjoong didn’t even hear them coming home. At all. And judging from Yunho’s expression, he didn’t either.

They’re so fucked.

They back away from eachother but it’s too late now. Seonghwa already saw them. Seonghwa saw everything.

“Yunho’s not in his room-” Wooyoung’s voice resonates as he also comes in view, stopping when he finally sees them.

It couldn’t get any worse. Really.

Both Seonghwa and Wooyoung look at them, mouths agape and eyes wide as Hongjoong and Yunho are too frozen to do anything. They can’t defend themselves. They can’t explain. How can they? It’s so obvious what happened.

Hongjoong finds the strengh to get up after a few seconds, grabbing his shirt from the floor with shaky hands. Yunho is still unmoving, the look on his face unsettling. Hongjoong needs Seonghwa and Wooyoung gone.

“Get out.” Hongjoong spits out, as he goes toward the door to close it on them.

The grip on his shirt thighens, his hand starting to tremble.

“Hongjoong what-” Seonghwa starts but Hongjoong doesn’t let him finish.

“I said get out!” He repeats, almost yelling now. And he hates to raise his voice against his members but he needs them out of this room right now.

Hongjoong doesn’t let them the time to answer as he hurries them out of the room, closing the door loudly after them.

Fucking hell.

Hongjoong drops his forehead against the door, breathing shakily as the reality of the situation slowly crashes down on him.

Apart from how humiliating it is to be found in this sort of situation, they now know that Hongjoong and Yunho have sort of a.. thing going on. And it’s actually terrifying. What would they think of it? What would they imagine? This was a bad idea. A very bad idea from that start. But Hongjoong was too selfish to see it and went through with it. He can only blame himself.

And now Yunho.. Oh Yunho.

Hongjoong turns back to look at Yunho and the sight of him squeezes his heart painfully.

Yunho is still sitting on the bed, knees to his chest, biting on his nails, gaze unfocused.

“Yunho.. You’re okay?” Hongjoong asks, taking a small step toward him.

It must be so much worse for Yunho. Hongjoong already feels terrible but at least they knew he was into men, but Yunho..

Yunho doesn’t answer, putting his head in his hands.

Hongjoong approaches him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” Hongjoong tries to reassure him the best he can even though he’s not quite sure how he’s actually going to take care of it. But he’ll find a way.

“They saw us hyung..” Yunho murmurs, the vulnerability in his voice hurting Hongjoong even more.

“Yes.. Yes they did.” Hongjoong sits on the bed, trying his best not to sit too close to Yunho. He’s not sure what he needs right now. “But it’s okay.. They’re not going to judge us.. Or judge you.” Hongjoong says.

“They’ll think I’m gay.” Yunho says, like it’s the worst thing in the world. Hongjoong grimaces as the words, but Yunho quickly shakes his head. “I don’t mean it like that hyung.. I just.. I don’t even know what I am. I can’t..” Yunho‘s breathing starts to quicken. “I just don’t want them to see me differently.”

Hongjoong puts his hand on Yunho’s knee, gently.

“They won’t. No matter who you are or who you love, it’s still you Yunho. They know that.. They love you. Okay?” Hongjoong squeezes his knee, trying his best to smile. “They’ll always love you.”

And Hongjoong means every word. The members would never judge them for their preferences. The problem lies more with the fact that they did that together. He can’t imagine how awkward it would be to walk back into the living room. Ugh.

“You’re sure?” Yunho asks, worry clear in his voice and on his face.

“Of course. ” Hongjoong nods. “None of you judged me when I came out. It’s not any different.”

Yunho bites his lower lip before also nodding, Hongjoong notices how his shoulders seem less tense than before. But Yunho still groans, frustrated.

“I can’t believe they saw us like that. It’s so embarrassing.” He mumbles against his hands and Hongjoong chuckles slightly. Yeah, he can’t believe it either.

“At least you weren’t the one half-naked.”

“Yeah, like having your nipple in my mouth is better.”

Hongjoong can’t help the rush of red from coloring his cheeks. That’s right. That what went down before Seonghwa interrupted him. And it was so damn good that Hongjoong almost came in his pants. Maybe Seonghwa was his savior, at the end of the day. One embarrassement or the other. He clears his throat.

“Yeah, well..” He shrugs and try to smooth out the shirt in his hand, a sudden reminder that he’s pretty much still shirtless. And the way Yunho looks up at him, and down his chest for a quick second doesn’t help. He puts his shirt back, face still red.

“We should probably go out at some point.” Hongjoong suddenly says, trying to change the subject and chase away the warmth in his body.

But Yunho just grimaces. “Do we really have to?” He pouts, and Hongjoong wants to tell him that no, they don’t. They could stay here and hidden forever. Hongjoong would happily spend the rest of his life kissing Yunho. But unfortunately..

Hongjoong just smiles sadly.

“Do you think they told the others?” Yunho asks, eyes uncertain.

Hongjoong just sighs. “The members probably asked questions and you and I both know how shit Wooyoung is at lying.”

Yunho nods in defeat, probably thinking the same thing. Hongjoong doesn’t want to face them neither. But hell. They have to.

“It’ll be fine. We’ll just act dumb and they will probably be too embarrassed to bring it up.” At least Hongjoong hopes so.

They just have to support the awkwardness that would surely follow. It’s okay. Hongjoong has had his fair share of awkward moments to live. Nothing like this but. At least Yunho and him are in this together, if it is any consolation.

“Okay.” Yunho nods, before smiling a little, seemingly feeling better than before. Hongjoong is relieved. “Oh and..” Yunho continues, making Hongjoong looks at him in question. “I don’t regret doing any of.. this. With you.” Yunho wets his lips briefly. “It was.. It was very hot so..”

Hongjoong feels the warmth coming back into his cheeks and lower stomach at full speed.

“Oh..” He bites his lip nervously, trying so hard not to look away from Yunho in embarrassment. “Was it..?”

Yunho hums, his eyes getting a bit darker as the conversion goes.

“I liked it too.” Hongjoong admits shyly, even though Yunho probably knew already by loud he was being. “You.. you were good at it.” He should probably not relive too much of it right now or he will have to face the members with a hard on. Which would not be helping at all.

Yunho smiles in content at the compliment. A different kind of smile. Hongjoong can’t really pintpoint it exactly, he just knows that Yunho looks very hot right now. And he needs to stop or they’re actually never going to get out of this room (not that Yunho would mind, by the look of it).

“I’m glad then.” Yunho’s eyes trail down his body and Hongjoong feels his skin on fire.

Stop. He needs to stop.

“Okay um..” Hongjoong chuckles awkwardly. “Let’s go see the guys. I think it’s better to do it now than later.” Hongjoong rapidly says, trying to escape the situation because they can’t make it worse right now. It’s not the time to let themselves succumb to their wants with the members a few meters away, even now that they had a (fantastic) taste of it. It will wait. But Hongjoong is so glad Yunho doesn’t regret it.. And seemingly wants to do it again. He bites his lip to prevent himself from smiling. Everything that happened seems so insignificant when Yunho looks at him with burning desire in his eyes.

But now. He just needs to get it over with.

Yunho reluctantly nods as he realizes he’s not going to escape it, and stands up. Hongjoong offers a comforting smile at him, takes a deep breath, and opens the door.

They walk silently to the living room, buzzing and hushed whispers slowly coming up to their ears.

It’s when they finally reach the living room that the whispering stops. And they find all six of their members hunched over the table, stopped in their conversation as the two subjects of the latter come to join them.

A complete silence. They stare at them, mouths open in surprise.

Well, if Hongjoong wasn’t sure that everyone knew, now he is.

But Hongjoong doesn’t stop. He just walks in, sitting on the couch and turning his back on them as he grabs the controller despite his shaky hand. Yunho follows him on the couch. He feels the stares in the back of their heads.

Act normal. Everything is fine.

He sends a quick glance toward Yunho, whose shoulders seem tense again. Hongjoong fights the urge to comfort him and switches on the tv.

The noise of the tv fills the silence in which the living room was plunged, but it doesn’t deem the tension that Hongjoong could feel clinging on his every pore.

“Hongjoong-” Seonghwa is the first one to break the silence.

But Hongjoong cuts him off before he can say anything.

“There’s still some chicken for us?” Hongjoong asks, not looking back at them, hoping that his voice doesn’t sound as shaky as he thinks.

“Oh uh.. Yes. Here.” Mingi comes into view as he drops a box of takeout chicken on the little table in front of the couch. Hongjoong feels his gaze linger on both of them, but he pointedly doesn’t look back.

“Thank you Mingi.” Hongjoong simply answers as he reaches for the box, Yunho still quiet beside him. He tries to give some of it to Yunho, who just shakes his head slightly.

Hongjoong sighs. Maybe ignoring it wasn’t the best idea after all. Because the tension feels so strong he could almost see it. But Hongjoong doesn’t want to talk about it.. Ugh.

“Hongjoong.” Seonghwa tries again, more sternly this time and Hongjoong gulpes down his chicken difficulty. “We need to talk. The two of us.”

Hongjoong sends a quick look toward Yunho. Will he be okay on his own with the others? Like reading his mind, Yunho seems to understand his worries and just nods.

Okay. Let’s do this. He’ll be just fine.

“Okay.” Hongjoong anwers as he gets up. He sends a quick glance toward Yunho and the other members before leaving, hoping that they wouldn’t make it even more awkward for him. But for now, he needs to focus on the problem ahead of him: Seonghwa.

They get to Seonghwa’s room (thankfully not Hongjoong’s room, for obvious reasons), and he quickly shuts the door behind them. Hongjoong feels like he’s 13 again, shaking as his mom found out that he missed school.

He takes a deep breath.

“So..” Hongjoong starts, avoiding Seonghwa intense gaze on him.

“Are you two together?” Seonghwa asks almost mechanically.

Hongjoong shakes his head immediately. “No. We’re not.”

Seonghwa nods slowly.

“So like.. you’re just.. having fun?” Seonghwa asks, tense, visibly awkward. Hongjoong is sure he feels more mortified right now, but it’s not a competition.

Hongjoong doesn’t like naming whatever Yunho and him has going on as “having fun”. It seems reductive. Because Hongjoong doesn’t see it like that. Hongjoong feels way deeper than that. Not that he could admit it anyone, Yunho or Seonghwa.

So he just shrugs.

“I guess you could call it that.” He says, trying to sound as detached as possible. He doesn’t need to know more.

Seonghwa suddenly scoffs and shakes his head, which surprises Hongjoong.

“I thought you were smarter than that.” Seonghwa says, his tone getting colder.

“What?”

“You know it could ruin everything, right?”Seonghwa asks, his voice sounding more and more upset. “You and him fooling around. Did you even think about the group?” He sounds disappointed, and Hongjoong wants to disappear.

Disappointing Seonghwa hurts. Way more than he would like to admit. That’s his friend. The one that’s always beside him, always supporting him. And Hongjoong let him down. But.. Seonghwa doesn’t understand. No. He could never.

“Of course I did.” Hongjoong answers, because Seonghwa doesn’t know about all the intern turmoil he had over the last few weeks.

“Well it doesn’t look like it.” Seonghwa continues. “I thought the group meant more than this to you.” Now he is being mean. Because he knows just how much the group, this dream, the members mean to Hongjoong.

“It does! It means everything to me Seonghwa.” Hongjoong says immediately, feeling a hint of anger slowly rising up. Because Seonghwa doesn’t get it.

“But we promised. We promised to never do anything that could ruin our friendship!” Seonghwa’s voice is rising, filled with a mix of hurt and anger.

“I’m not- It’s not ruining everything.” Hongjoong answers back, his voice now rising too to match Seonghwa’s. He doesn’t sound convinced himself. Because he knows, deep down, that Seonghwa is right. But he’s so tired of doing everything that’s right. Everything for others.

“So what are you going to do when it falls off? When it becomes awkward between you two? Or even if someone finds out?” Seonghwa shots questions rapidly, and Hongjoong doesn’t have the answer to it. Because he’s right. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do. So he just says silent.

Seonghwa shakes his head. “That’s what I thought.” He starts walking in circle, ruining his hand his hair. “You’re risking your dream.. our dream, just because you’re horny?”

Hongjoong frowns. “It’s not because I’m horny-”

Seonghwa cuts him. “So what else? I know it must be frustrating for you but you still didn’t have to go for Yunho-”

“You don’t know.” Hongjoong says. Because Seonghwa never will. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be in his shoes. All of the members have more or less fooled around with women, be it other idols, or women they’ve met in passing. They don’t know how it’s like. How isolating it feels that Hongjoong just can’t do that.

“What?”

“You don’t know what’s it like. So don’t say that.” Hongjoong answers, his voice getting colder too.

Seonghwa sighs and rubs his hands against his face. “Yeah I don’t. Sorry I shouldn’t have said that.”

Hongjoong nods, feeling the sudden anger slowly dissiping, leaving place for just tiredness. He’s so tired of fighting, of thinking. Why can’t it just be easy.

“But it’s still a bad idea Hongjoong. You know that. You can’t deny the fact that it’s risky and-”

“I’m in love with him.” Hongjoong lets out, surprising himself as the words leave his mouth.

He didn’t even realize before. But saying it, it seems now clear to him. He’s in love with Yunho. Everything he’s willing to risk, willing to take. It can only comes from one thing. He sits down on the bed as the realization slowly crashes on him.

“I’m in love with Yunho.” He repeats, more to himself the second time. He feels his eyes tear up. Seonghwa is right. He totally fucked up.

“Hongjoong..” Seonghwa starts, his voice now softer, gentler.

“And you’re right. It’s selfish of me, and it’s risky, and I’m sorry for bringing you all into my own mess but..” Hongjoong’s voice cracks. “I don’t know how to fight it. It’s my first time feeling something like this..” Tears start falling down his cheeks, Hongjoong can’t contain them anymore.

“Does Yunho feel the same?” Seonghwa asks as he sits next to Hongjoong on the bed, putting his hand on his back.

Hongjoong just shakes his head. He knows it makes it so much worse. He’s ruining and risking everything for a thing that would probably never turn into a relationship. But Hongjoong.. Hongjoong lives for the hope of it.

Seonghwa takes him into his arms, and Hongjoong lets him.

“I’m sorry Hongjoong.” Seonghwa says quietly as Hongjoong cries in his shoulder. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry.. Sorry.”

Hongjoong shakes his head the best he can with his movements restricted. “No.. You were right. I.. I only thought about myself.” He tries his hardest to stop crying but the tears just don’t stop coming. He feels like a mess.

Seonghwa hugs him tighter as he shushes him.

Hongjoong doesn’t know what to do. Should he put a stop at everything? Tell Yunho that they can’t do that anymore? But he doesn’t want to. As much as he knows it’s going to hurt him, he doesn’t want to let it go. Because he has never felt this way before. And every moment he shares with Yunho makes him feel so many things he thought he would never experience.

Maybe life is about that. Risking everything just to feel something. Just to love. Even if it’s not reciprocated. It seems good enough to Hongjoong.

 

Hongjoong feels a bit better after some time. At least he has stopped crying, which is nice. He detaches himself from Seonghwq, who stayed still, quietly caressing his back as he calmed down.

“Thank you.” Hongjoong says, feeling a bit awkward now that Seonghwa knows his deepest feelings that he himself didn’t know an hour ago.

Seonghwa dimisses it with a shake of his head.

“It’s fine.. but careful Hongjoong, okay? I know I was a bit harsh but..” Seonghwa smiles, a bit sadly. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I know.” Hongjoong nods, even though he’s aware it’s fruitless. He’s going to hurt himself at one point. Even hurt the both of them. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Because Hongjoong loves him. And he’s not strong enough to let him go.

“Okay.” Seonghwa gives his shoulder a last squeeze before he gets up. “We should go back to the others. They‘re probably wondering what’s taking so long.”

Oh right. Yunho who was left alone with all the others.

“I hope they didn’t mess with Yunho too much.” Hongjoong groans and Seonghwa chuckles.

“I won’t bet on it.”

They make it back to the living room to find all of the members on the couch, the lights off and a movie playing on the tv. Hongjoong immediately locks eyes with Yunho, who sits up as soon as he sees him.

“Hyungs.” Yunho says, making all the attention turn to them and away from the movie.

Hongjoong is glad it is dark so that at least no one can see that he’s been crying. He smiles faintly at Yunho. It’s weird. Seeing him again after realizing his feelings, and after everything that went down. But he feels the calmness and warmness comes back just from looking at him. He truly is everything Hongjoong wants. He’s never been so sure of anything before.

“There’s some place left for us?” Seonghwa asks, and they quickly move to leave two spots for them. One of them being next to Yunho.

Hongjoong hesitates. Is it really a good idea to sit next to him right now? He looks at Seonghwa for a second, who gives him a quick comforting nod. It’s enough for Hongjoong to sit next to Yunho. He almost melts from finally being close to him again.

“You okay? I heard yelling..” Yunho whispers, worried.

“Yeah don’t worry. You?” Hongjoong asks him back quietly.

Yunho nods. Hongjoong is glad the members seem to have treated Yunho well. Speaking of which, all of them are trying their hardest not to make the quick glances toward them obvious. Hongjoong feels his cheeks start burning. It feels so vulnerable, being close to Yunho in front of them. But he needs it. The proximity. He feels like something is missing everytime he’s not glued to Yunho now.

Everything makes sense when they’re together. Hongjoong doesn’t know where any of this is going to lead. And he doesn’t care right now. He just needs Yunho to be with him.

They all turn their eyes back to the movie playing, watching in silence. But it’s not tense anymore.

Sure, it’s still a bit awkward. But Hongjoong quickly relaxes, and even puts his head on Yunho’s shoulder. It’s not a gesture out of ordinary. But it feels different now. With everyone knowing what every little sign of affection means between them. What they hold. And Hongjoong finds out, despite the awkwardness of it all, that he quiet likes it. To have something more with Yunho, and for people to witness it.

He doesn’t move his head for the rest of the movie, falling in and out of sleep during a great part of it.

Yunho wakes him up when the movie is over. Hongjoong stirs awake difficultly, stretching and yawning. He quickly realizes it’s only Yunho and him who are still in the living room, the end credits rolling on the screen.

“I didn’t want to wake you up but you should go to your room..” Yunho says softly, petting his hair.

Hongjoong whines.

“But I’m so comfy right now..” He says, as he snuggles closer to Yunho.

Yunho chuckles.

“But you need to sleep in your bed.” Yunho insistes despite not pushing Hongjoong away by any means.

“Or your bed.” Hongjoong replies immediately, the tiredness removing any filter he could have wide awake.

Lack of filter which definitely startled Yunho who sits a bit straighter.

“Oh you.. you want to?”

Yunho is giving him a way out. And Hongjoong could easily tell him that he was just joking. But he isn’t.

He closes his eyes, focusing Yunho’s heartbeat. Feeling the warmth of his body engulfing his own. He never wants it to end. Sleeping alone in his cold bed is not an option right now. So he just nods.

“Mmh-mm.” He adds, for good measure.

“Okay.” And in just a second, Yunho is carrying him bridal style to his room.

“Oh!” Hongjoong exclaims, surprised by being suddenly manhandled.

He is suddenly much more awake, but still keeps his face close to Yunho’s chest, cheeks burning.

They’re almost at the door of Yunho’s room when they cross San, getting out of one of the bathroom.

“Oh uh..” Hongjoong hears him let out awkwardly. “Huh. Have a good night… You.. Yep.” He hears him speeding to his room, not waiting for any answer.

Hongjoong groans in embarrassment. Something he feels like he’s done a lot today. They will have to get used to running into any of the members at any moment. Keeping anything secret was going to be hell anyway. At least now they don’t have to hide it, even if it’s unbelievably awkward everytime. Hongjoong hopes it will get better after some time. If they even keep up their thing going. Hongjoong doesn’t want to think about it ending anytime soon.

They finally get to the privacy of Yunho’s room, and Hongjoong is gently lay down on the bed. He looks up, smiling, the little incident with San already forgotten.

Yunho looks a bit shy as quickly remove his plushies on the bed to make enough room for the two of them. Hongjoong has to fight the urge to bite him out of cuteness aggression.

Yunho finally joins him into the bed, putting the cover on the two of them.

“You comfy?” Yunho asks, his leg fidgeting a little. Hongjoong could feel his nervousness radiates out of him.

He smiles, reassurely.

“Yeah, it’s perfect.” Hongjoong wastes no time into getting closer to Yunho, putting his head again on his chest, and his arm around his waist. He’s finally a hundred percent comfortable. “But you’re more comfy than the bed.” He says, his voice muffled. He already feels the tiredness washing back over him.

Yunho squeezes him, planting a kiss on the top of his head.

“Sleep well hyung.”

Hongjoong hums in acknowledgment and satisfaction.

“Good night Yunho.”

 

A few weeks go by. Hongjoong and Yunho are still doing their “casual” thing. Nothing casual for Hongjoong, of course, who feels himself falling deeper and deeper in love with Yunho each passing day.

Things get better with the other members, too. Hongjoong is able to cuddle Yunho in front of the other members without feeling stared at so, it’s definitely an improvement. They’re still quiet prude with their display of affection. Hongjoong prefers it that way.

They’re out at one of Hongjoong’s favorite dinner place for his birthday. They never go all out for birthdays, having a simple dinner all together is the best present Hongjoong could ask for. They even booked a private room for only the eight of them, going out in restaurants while being idols is a bit bothersome, and it feels nice not to feel watched sometimes.

They didn’t waste time in ordering everything they wanted, the table now full of all the good foods that are already making Hongjoong salvating.

He digs in first, since it’s his birthday. He hums in approval at the first bite. He knew he made a right choice to come here tonight.

“It’s so good.” Hongjoong says quite unpolitely with his mouth full. He takes another spoon full and instead of eating it, guides it to Yunho’s mouth who is sitting right next to him.

Yunho looks a bit taken aback for a few seconds, before accepting the bite, a unconcealed smile on his face. Hongjoong feels himself smiling too.

Yunho’s eyes widen as the taste hits him.

“Wow!” He exclaims loudly.

“I know!” Hongjoong agrees excitedly.

“Can I have a bite too hyung?” Wooyoung, on the other side of Hongjoong, asks with an exaggerated bat of his eyelashes.

Hongjoong squints his eyes, and just gives Wooyoung the spoon. He pouts in disappointment immediately, making the other members laughs and Yunho giggles in Hongjoong’s ear.

“Eight makes one team, eight makes one team.. Yeah, right..Two makes one team..” Wooyoung grumbles as he struggles to fill his spoon. Hongjoong laughs, throwing himself gently against Yunho who puts his arm around his waist.

He’s so happy right now.

The rest of the dinner goes by in laughters and good mood. They’re all a bit tired from their packed schedule, so having a time to fully decompress is nice for everyone.

Hongjoong is the fullest he’s ever been when he’s done eating. Everything was so good he couldn’t stop. But now he feels he could explode at any moment. He even unbottoned his pants at some point, now resting against the back of his seat. He sighs in contentment, closing his eyes, Yunho’s hand caressing the back of his neck.

“Hyung..” Yunho calls him to get his attention, making him open his eyes lazily.

He finds Yunho fidgeting in his seat, with a nervous bit of his lower lip.

“I..” He continues, with Hongjoong now listening attentively, ”I know we say we wouldn’t make any gift but..“ Yunho turns around to take a box wrapped in yellow wrapping paper out of his bag and puts it shyly on the table right in front of him, catching all of the members attention.

“No, you got Hongjoong something? I thought we said no present!” Mingi groans.

“I didn’t buy anything..” Yeosang ponders.

“What is it?” San asks excitedly.

Hongjoong ignores all of them to look at Yunho in shock.

“You really didn’t have to you know..” Hongjoong insists, not expecting any present tonight.

“I know.” Yunho just smiles, his nervousness still obvious on his face. “Open it.”

Hongjoong tears the wrapping paper (he could have done it more gently but well, he’s impatient), revealing a black box. He takes of the lid, and gasps as he stares at a overly beautiful film camera. He takes it gently in his hand, feeling the cold of the material against his fingers, caressing the gorgeously crafted design.

“It’s beautiful..” Hongjoong admires in awe, feeling suddenly emotional at the perfectly thought gift.

Yunho knows just how much he loves photography, and how he’s been wanting to get a new film camera for a while now. Yunho listened, and was probably very excited to get him a gift Hongjoong could only love. He remembers the times Yunho was on his phone, looking suspiciously around him and not wanting to show Hongjoong any of it. He chuckles. It was so obvious Yunho was preparing a thing for him now that he thinks of it. And Yunho had done his research well because it’s the most beautiful camera Hongjoong has ever seen. It must have been so expensive. But Yunho decided it was worth it for Hongjoong.

Hongjoong feels himself tear up against his will.

“Thank you.. Thank you, it’s perfect.” Hongjoong’s voice shakes as he turns around to face Yunho. Overwhelmed by emotions and love, he doesn’t think twice and presses a kiss on Yunho’s lips. “Thank you.” He murmurs again after pulling back, smiling softly at Yunho’s surprised expression, which quickly turns into a gentle smile.

They’ve never kissed in front of anyone. Not that they’re ashamed, but it’s just.. a bit awkward to show that much in front of the members. But right now Hongjoong doesn’t care.

“I’m so happy you like it.” Yunho murmurs back. It feels like it’s only the two of them, like they’re cuddling and kissing in Yunho’s bed at night where no one can see them. Except that the members are all around them, watching silently as Hongjoong kisses Yunho forehead before letting go.

Hongjoong turns around to face the other members, who quickly hide the surprise previously on their faces.

Hongjoong’s cheeks turn a bit red, now realizing just how vulnerable he just showed himself to the others members.

“I’ve never felt so single.” San sighs, breaking the silence.

“Your boyfriend is rich hyung, that looks expensive..” Wooyoung says in awe as he takes a closer look to the camera.

Both Hongjoong and Yunho speak at the same time.

“We’re not-” They say in unision, stopping to look at each other before the could finish their sentence.

They’re not dating, right? That’s their agreement. But.. Saying out loud that they’re not dating, after everything they said, or did, feels wrong. Hongjoong can not brings himself to it.

Because they act like they’re dating. The kisses, the cuddles, the affection, the gift that Yunho just bought him.. It must mean something right? Does Yunho want that with him? Hongjoong dares to hope.

They stare for a few awkward seconds before turning their heads. The silence now back between them.

“Oh.. I thought..” Wooyoung says, looking at them in a way Hongjoong could not decipher.

Neither of them answer to that.

Seonghwa clears his throat.

“You want to go for ice cream after this?” He asks the members, and Hongjoong is truly grateful for the subject change.

They all agree immediately, even Hongjoong, who is never too full for ice cream.

The awkwardness caused by the dating thing is quickly brushed aside as they make their way to one of their favorite ice cream place, Hongjoong already taking pictures of the members having fun with his new camera. But even so, he can’t completely forget about earlier. The weight of the gift he gave him.. None of the other members could have gifted him something like that. Yunho must.. he must want..

Yunho is walking alongside him, his hands in his pockets to prevent them from being too cold, looking at the stars in the sky overing them.

Hongjoong snaps a picture of him without Yunho knowing.

He wishes he’s right.

 

Hongjoong is washing his face in the bathroom after coming back home, feeling relaxed and happy from having such a good time with the members. But now he’s determined. He needs to talk to Yunho. The whole gift thing has been going through his mind for the last hour and he needs to know. He’s a bit scared, because maybe he read too much into it, maybe he’s getting ahead of himself, maybe he will ruin everything. But he needs to find out just what that meant. So after washing up, he will go to Yunho’s room to talk. He can do it. He takes a deep breath, trying to give himself courage, opens the bathroom’s door just to find Yunho right outside, about to knock on the it.

“Oh.. hyung.” Yunho looks taken aback. “Huh.. Come to my room when you’re done. Please.” He says, sounding a bit restless, leaving before Hongjoong has even the time to answer.

Well. At least they’re on the same page.

Hongjoong doesn’t wait before following Yunho to his room, opening the door quietly and closing it after him.

Yunho is sitting on his bed, looking up surprised by seeing Hongjoong here so soon. Hongjoong sits beside him in silence. He’s starting to feel nervous. What if Yunho doesn’t want to do this anymore? Maybe he didn’t like being kissed in front of the members? Maybe, maybe-

“Hyung.” Yunho breaks him out of his own thoughts. “I..”

Yunho breathes deeply.

“I think I’m bi.”

Hongjoong is surprised for a few seconds, he didn’t really expect that, but he smiles largely immediately. He’s glad Yunho has found himself. And he’s so happy he wants to confide to him. He’s about to answer but Yunho continues.

“And.. I want. How can I say that I..” He stammers. “I don’t want to be casual anymore. I want to be.. your boyfriend?” Yunho asks, visibly nervous.

Hongjoong could cry right now. He’s never felt so relieved. Yunho likes him. Yunho actually likes him. It feels surreal, and Hongjoong will probably take some time to fully realize it.

“You really do?” Hongjoong asks, because he has to make sure, he needs to be sure.

Yunho nods. “Yes. I want to be your boyfriend.” He affirms, sounding more determined this time.

Hongjoong feels like dreaming. He smiles like he’s never before.

“I want to be yours, too.” Hongjoong admits, voice shaky as he takes Yunho’s hands into his.

“Okay.. Okay.” Yunho says, smile mirroring the one on Hongjoong’s face.

Hongjoong kisses him like his life depends on it. Yunho kisses back, wrapping his arms around Hongjoong waist, squeezing him firmly.

“My boyfriend.” Hongjoong says between kisses.

Yunho smiles against his lips.

“Yours.”

 

Hongjoong is lying on the bed, shirtless, with Yunho on top of him, kissing the bare skin of his chest, licking and nibbling causing Hongjoong to squirm.

Hongjoong has never been so horny before. His hard on in his pants already feel painful but Yunho doesn’t seem to go any lower than he is already.

They’ve never done anything more than making out and a few dry humping here and there. None of them went further before. Hongjoong wants it. He has always wanted to, but now that they’re officially boyfriends..

Hongjoong is starting to get impatient.

“Yunho.. I want..” He says, his voice high and whiny.

Yunho stops to look up at him.

“You want.. more?” He asks, surprised, his lips red and slightly puffy after kissing Hongjoong all over.

Hongjoong nods eagerly.

“Yes.. yes. If you want too.”

“But the others.. They might hear us.” Yunho frowns in concern.

“It’s my birthday. They can just throw on earphones if it bothers them.”

It’s a bit out of character for Hongjoong not to care about other members hearing. But right now, with Yunho, his boyfriend, on top of him looking like the hottest man Hongjoong has ever seen in his life, the others sound like a detail.

Yunho seem to be on the same page because he tries to hide his smile biting on his lower lip.

“I’ve been wanting this for so long.” He says, going back to kissing Hongjoong’s chest with a new found fervor.

Hongjoong breathes deeply, running his hand through Yunho’s hair.

“Me too.”

But Yunho suddenly stops and gets up.

“Wait for me a few seconds.”

He leaves the room, Hongjoong still laying there very much exposed with a painful hard on, waiting for him to come back completely confused.

But it thankfully doesn’t take more than a minute before Yunho is back, the film camera he gifted to Hongjoong in his head.

“May I?” He asks, as he positions himself to take a picture of Hongjoong.

He knows he has not really anything to compare, but it’s truly the hottest thing he’s ever seen. He feels himself getting harder with the lense of the camera on him. Imagining how he would look right now, half naked, face flushed. How Yunho, seeing him like that, wants to take a picture of him. He’s never felt this desired, this sexy before.

He breathes deeply, and nods.

“Yes. You can.”

The loud snap of a picture being taken resonates in the room.

Hongjoong hides his face in his pillow by reflex, embarrassed by how vulnerable he is right now, but also by how much he likes it.

“You’re beautiful hyung.” Yunho says, as he takes another one.

Hongjoong whines and squeezes his thighs together, trying so hard to hide how affected he is.

“Don’t hide. I want to see you.” Yunho says softly, and Hongjoong can only oblige, not without difficulty.

He puts the pillow away, relaxes his legs and looks at the camera.

Yunho takes another one, before putting the camera down next to Hongjoong. He goes back on top of Hongjoong, putting pressure on his lap, making him gasp.

“Maybe it was a gift for myself if I can take pictures of you like this..” Yunho smiles as he hand trails slowly downward, cupping Hongjoong in his jeans.

Hongjoong tries to stiffle his moan, but he can’t for long with how Yunho is caressing him through the fabric.

“My gorgeous boyfriend..” He says as he kisses Hongjoong again, his hand still working him up.

Hongjoong feels like going insane. The hand, the kiss, the words.. It’s overwhelming but it feels so good. Too good.

Yunho, maybe realizing how gone Hongjoong was already, retracts his hand, leaving him whining at the loss of contact.

But Yunho’s hands quickly find their way back on him as he unbottons his jeans, removing them all the way (not without any struggle). Hongjoong feels even more exposed now, trying his hardest not to cover himself up.

But Hongjoong wants to see more too.

“Remove your shirt.” Hongjoong says, more as a demand than a question.

Yunho does immediately, also removing his jeans, leaving both of them in only their underwear. He comes back to the bed but this time, Hongjoong climbs on top of him, pressing their hips together.

Yunho lets out a low moan at the friction.

“Yunho..” Hongjoong starts, slowly rolling his hips, making Yunho tense behind him. “Can I suck you off?”

Yunho groans, hiding his face behind his large hands. He nods rapidly.

“Please yes.”

 

Hongjoong wakes up in Yunho’s bed, sore and tired, but with a certain appeasement that can only come from a good birthday sex. He stretches, and realizes quickly that the other side of the bed is empty. Yunho must be up already.

He gets up, puts his underwear back and looks into Yunho’s clothes to steal a shirt he could use. Finally correctly dressed (the oversized shirt compensating the lack of pants), he joins the others in the living room. Judging by the loud chatter he can already hear, he is the last one to wake up.

“Hi hyung.” Yunho sees him as soon as he passes the door, going straight to him to give a good morning kiss.

That’s right. They’re boyfriends now. Everything that happened was very much real. Hongjoong’s body remembers it only too well.

He turns to the other to greet them but he’s cut by San.

“Didn’t think you would be this loud in bed hyung.” San says non chalantly as a form a greeting before gulping down a big spoon of cereals.

Hongjoong chokes swallowing his own spit.

“We agreed not to talk about it!” Jongho whines, mortifying Hongjoong even more.

He knew that they were very likely to hear them as they didn’t even try to be quiet, but facing the consequences of this is harder than horny Hongjoong thought it would be.

Yunho puts his arm around his shoulders, sending an uncharacteristic glare toward San.

“Leave him alone.” He says protectivly.

“Don’t think we didn’t hear you too Yunho.” Mingi adds with a teasing smirk, flustering Yunho too now.

Hongjoong groans in his hands. It’s really embarrassing, but weirdly enough, Hongjoong doesn’t regret it one bit.

“Stop talking you two.” Hongjoong menaces as he squeezes now red faced Yunho against him. “You’re just jealous your sex life is non-existent.”

He turns his back to them, walking to the kitchen with Yunho still close to him, chuckling as he hears protesting cries from behind them.

They’re so stupid. Hongjoong loves them to bits. He shakes his head amused, turning to face Yunho, lacing his arms around his waist.

“This was the best birthday I’ve ever had so thank you.” He whispers before planting a kiss against his lips, smiling softly.

Yunho smiles brightly in response, making Hongjoong’s heart flutter.

He has never been this happy before.

Notes:

hiiiiii i’m glad you read all of it hehe, it’s been years since i’ve written a fanfic so i’m a bit nervous publishing this!!!
i really hope you liked it and im really happy to contribute to the hohong community
thank you<3