Best Friend's (Older Brother)

by seeingivy

Summary:

Sukuna's had every intention to stay away from you, ever since he met you. Naturally, it would be very wrong for him to date his little brother's best friend. But picking you up from the bar one night, after finding you in a puddle of your own tears, snaps the very thin reasoning he had into shreds - and he finds himself unable to stay away from you.

Chapter 1: pretty girl

Notes:

hello!!! im crossposting this from my tumblr @seeingivy where i'm more active <3

when sukuna’s phone rings - for the third time, signaling that he actually has to pick up now - he definitively decides that he is going to move far, far away. maybe if he lived in shibuya, or even as far as kyoto, his stupid little brother wouldn’t call him every time he got too drunk to drive him and his idiotic friends home.

and when sukuna walks straight into the bar - blaring music, haphazard puddles of alcohol all over the floor, and the most pungent, putrid sweat smell hanging in the air - he’s almost positive that he’s going to start looking for a new apartment tomorrow.

it takes him approximately thirty-five seconds to find yuuji. though he supposed he should have noticed faster that the pink haired idiot standing on top of the bar, with a black sea urchin shaking at his legs was exactly what he was looking for.

sukuna makes his way over, shoving megumi hard in the shoulder as he looks over, eyes glazed and cheeks pink. after almost seven times of doing this, sukuna knows exactly how this is going to go. that despite the tattoos, the entirely different facial structure, and physique, megumi is going to confuse sukuna for yuuji.

“yuu’? how’d you get over there so fast?” megumi murmurs, reaching to cup the side of his face.

right again. sukuna smacks his hand out of his peripheral as he looks up at yuuji, who hasn’t even noticed that he’s arrived yet.

“move over.” he responds, irritated.

the second megumi lets go, sukuna all but shuffles yuuji off of his balance, making it a point to somewhat break his fall off of the countertop. only somewhat, because naturally he wouldn’t injure his little brother. but that doesn’t mean he’s not deserving of sometime of retribution for all the times he’s had to do this.

yuuji’s groaning in his arms as he pulls him up, as he halfheartedly makes grabby hands for fushiguro who was three feet away.

“‘gumi, cm’here.”

“we’re leaving. you can sit next to your gumi in the car.” sukuna states sternly, curling his nose at the godawful nickname, as he drags the two of them straight out into the cold air.

he’s all but opening the doors for the two of them, getting more irritated as the two of them excitedly look up at the sky, pointing at all the little stars together before he all but shoves them again.

“look yuuji. it’s us.”

“where?”

“the two stars next to each other.”

sukuna watches yuuji’s eyes go wide, cheeks bright pink, as he wraps his arms around megumi. and fights the urge to gag.

it’s only then - when he’s wrestled seatbelts onto the two of them and stopped megumi from being the affectionate drunk that he is - that they make it a point to share an important piece of information.

“kugisaki and y/n are still in there! we can’t leave.” yuuji whines, leaning his head against megumi’s as his eyes quickly start drooping, almost fluttering shut before he can ask where the two of you could possibly be.

sukuna shuffles back through the group of bodies, this time looking for the other pair of the set. it takes more effort - because he’s sure that kugisaki is going to be sucking face with someone in the back corner and he’s going to have to put an end to it. and you. you were always particularly hard to find.

he spots the red hair three feet away and takes a deep breath. she’s almost entirely sitting on the girls lap - green hair, shitty glasses - as he makes it a point to tap on her shoulder. naturally, she doesn’t stop and he gets more disgusted as it goes on. he never thought she’d be so…handsy. or that he’d have to see it.

he does the next best thing. reaches to her side and tickles her, just enough to stop her and start the godawful, obscene screaming that worsens tenfold with every consecutive pint of alcohol she drinks. and of course, she’s just as predictable as the last.

“yuuji?! where the fuck do you get off doing that?”

he reaches for her wrist, shooting a polite smile.

“maki. always a pleasure. kugisaki, we’re leaving.”

“i’m not leaving.”

maki gives him a halfhearted shrug as he all but throws her over her shoulder, tuning out the insults that are streaming out of her mouth as he all but carries her through the group of bodies. if you weren’t regulars here, sukuna was positive that he’d get arrested for that profanities coming out of her mouth - that, and the fact that it looked like he was abducting her. but no one turns a blind eye, almost irritated that she’s at it again.

that makes two of them.

when nobara’s tucked into the back, he makes it a point to throw a water bottle at each of them - specifically square in the face for yuuji and megumi who are cuddling in his backseat - as he glares at all of them.

“okay, kugisaki. where’s y/n?” sukuna asks.

she’s leaning her head back against the headrest, eyes fluttering shut, as she murmurs something unintelligible.

“she….ugly.” kugisaki murmurs.

“she’s ugly?” sukuna deadpans.

well, she’s certainly not ugly.

“ugly…bathroom.” she murmurs again, taking it as his best option.

sukuna marches back into the bar, for the third time, and beelines straight into the bathroom in the back. and there you are, crumpled up on the floor with your knees hiked to your chest, with big tears in your eyes and two girls sitting right across from you.

sukuna finds the sight rather…unusual. he knew that girls were quite different than guys, having heard you go on your spiels about womanhood and female friendship too damn often to know that it was a whole thing that was beyond him. but really, he finds it sincerely odd that the two girls sitting across from you are comforting you in your puddle of tears.

it’s not that sukuna’s stereotyping. or being judgemental. or he is a little, but he doesn’t frankly care. because labels, or groups or whatever existed for a reason. people who were similar flocked to one another. it’s how people were comfortable. how they functioned.

which is why sukuna’s unsure why these two girls - who are actually dressed up to be at the club - are sitting on the tiles with you, when you’re wearing one of those pink ribbons in your hair, that of course, matches the one on your bag.

but granted, this is you he’s talking about. he’s spent enough time trying to figure you out, before he naturally gave up. he always found that you transcended normal groups that he assigned.

you look up at him through your tearfilled eyes, a half smile on your face.

“sukuna, you-you’re here.”

sukuna ignores the fact that he’s pleased, very pleased, that you didn’t just confuse him with yuuji, as he holds his hand out to you and grabs your purse with the other one. and when you place your hand in his, you can feel the heat rushing up your body, more so when he leans down, lips few feet apart as he murmurs to you.

“we’re leaving. now.” sukuna states, glaring at you.

you feel the heat rush to your cheeks, acutely aware of every detail on his face. that his hair is slightly messy - because he must have woken up to come get you - and that his eyes are almost tired. you fight the urge to smile...at how sweet It all is.

“okay. thanks for coming to get us.” you respond, giving him a smile.

the two girls sprawled on the floor stand up, yanking their dresses down the slightest amounts as they flash you warm, kind-hearted smiles.

sukuna, really, truly does not understand it. at the way that you’re so open with them, despite the fact that they must be strangers.

“you, give him hell. and you, i’m really happy for you. i’m sure your wedding will be beautiful.” you state, pointing at the two girls who had been accompanying you on the bathroom floor for the past hour.

“and you. stop letting people call you ugly and taking it to heart. the bows are cute. your fashion is amazing. and men don’t deserve shit.” the first girl slurs.

you give her a smile, as sukuna all but tugs you out of the bathroom by the wrist, arm secured around your shoulder as he leads you through the crowd. sukuna drops his arm around you as the crowd gets thicker, hands straight on your waist as he steadies you in front of him. and when he leans down to whisper in your ear, it sends a shiver down your entire spine.

“do i even want to ask?” he sneers.

“it’s her bachelorette party! and that’s her best friend, though she seems kind of…off her rocker. but in a good way. power to her for being bold.” you respond.

sukuna rolls his eyes as he pushes you out into the cold air last, reaching for the front seat door and opening it for you. except when he looks back, you’re staring up into the sky just as yuuji and megumi were, the softest of smiles on your face.

sukuna makes a mental note of the dark, black tear streaks on your cheeks and your sniflfy nose as he clears his throat to get your attention.

“oh. sorry, i’m here. i’m here.” you respond, quickly shuffling into the car as you wipe your face.

sukuna shuts the door behind you, pausing to look up at the sky too. and silently wonders what exactly it was that you thought when you looked up at it.

--

sukuna makes it a point to take you out of the car last. because naturally, he’d save the easiest job for the end. by the time he had turned onto his street, you were snug asleep against the window of his car, creating a small indent into your forehead from the plastic of the door as he parked on the street. and he’d give you the few seconds of peace as he wrangles the rest of them out.

megumi and yuuji were easy to wrangle. because if sukuna too one out, the other one would quickly follow - and mope a great deal. megumi was on the side closer to the door, meaning he had to brace himself for the confusion once again, as he shrugged him awake.

“‘yuu. are you going to carry me to bed?” he murmurs.

“absolutely fucking not.” sukuna responds, yanking him out as yuuji follows up the stairs. he sets the two of them on the couch, a surefire way to ensure that they don’t do something heinous to his sheets during the night - or the morning after - as he braces himself for kugisaki next.

when he slings her arm around his shoulder, the obscenities start.

“maybe if you had a job or something, maybe we wouldn’t bother you so much. It-”

“i have a job, kugisaki. a job that just payed for your drinks, mind you.”

it seems that in his rusk of getting ready, yuuji had accidentally swiped his wallet on the way out. and of course, it was his turn to pay for the drinks.

“you need to get a hobby. have you thought of sewing?” she asks.

“that would be useful. then i’d have hundreds of needles to stick in your eyes.”

“when was the last time you felt the touch of a woman, sukuna?”

“when was the last time you went on a date? are the middle school makeout sessions hitting the mark for you, kugisaki?”

“shut the fuck up.” she sneers, reaching to smack him as he shoves her straight on to the guest bed and quickly shuts the door behind him.

he’s satisfied when he hears no inclination of her following, which always seems to be a gamble depending on how much she’s downed that night. or how short he cut off whatever it was she was doing with maki.

when sukuna makes it back to the car, he half debates just leaving you in there. because you look so comfortable, with his stray jacket strewn over your shoulders, and your breath that’s fogging up the glass of the mirror. but the fact that your neck is at an awkward angle and the cold air solidify his decision.

he open the door and you halfhazardly jolt awake, blinking your eyes as sukuna comes into your line of vision. you shoot him a smile as he holds his hand out to you, locking them together as he drags you up to the apartment, straight into his bedroom.

“can i use the bathroom?” you ask.

“you know where it is.” he responds, noting and particularly hating the biting tone in his voice.

“thank you!” you respond, shuffling into the room and shutting the door.

albeit weirdly, sukuna presses his ear to the door to confirm his suspicions. and the soft clinking of bottles, of the water running on and off, tells him enough.

that you’re doing your longwinded skin care routine in his bathroom. that you shoved all of your serums and moisturizers in your purse because you couldn’t skip out on it for even one day.

he’d make it a point. to slam the door open and make fun of you for it. but he bites down any retort he has when he hears soft sniffling and pushes the door open for an entirely different reason.

“what the hell is your problem?” he asks.

“huh?”

“you and your friends get obscenely drunk. then, you call me in the middle of the night and wake me up. and right when i’m about to go to bed, you’re crying in my bathroom. so what the hell is it? just tell me.”

you sniffle.

“do you really want to know?” you whisper.

“you’re wasting more of time with your shitty attitude. i’m not going to stand here and coax it out of you, so just tell me straight up or stop crying.”

you sigh.

“if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.”

sukuna wants to smack you. of course you feel the need to talk in tongues.

“in english this time?” he asks.

“you can try to look nice as much as you want. but even all that…makeup…fancy skincare. it can’t change the fact that i just look like this. that if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.” you state.

“you think you’re a pig?” sukuna asks.

you sigh.

“maybe.” you murmur.

sukuna tosses you the extra set of clothes he dragged out, tossing them straight at you as you send him a grateful smile.

“thanks, sukuna.” you murmur.

“for what?”

he could barely even muster a response, a coherent one that you deserved, in response to what you shared with him.

“dunno. i tell other people and they just kind of go…but you’re so pretty!! and…it falls flat. it’s nice to not be coddled. just said things as they are.”

sukuna can feel a burning feeling in his chest that increases tenfold when you press a kiss into the softness of his cheek. and he stands there dumbfounded, watching you smile and make a move to walk away. he instinctively reaches for your bicep and pulls back, a sweet smell emanating from whatever you’ve just smeared on your face, as he looks down at your lips.

there’s some type of glitter on them. whatever you’ve just put on makes them look bigger, fuller. he wonders if some trace of it is left on his cheek.

“did you need something?” you ask.

“sleep in my bed.”

“huh?”

“i’ll take the couch. get in the bed.” he utters.

the following morning, sukuna wakes up to three plates of breakfast with an annoying sticky note pressed on top.

thanks for coming to get us sukuna!!! :DD

it’s the first time the thought crosses his mind. that his preconceived notion might be incorrect.

that it’s not that you’re too good for him. it’s that everyone else isn’t good enough for you.

--

the next time you see sukuna is when you’re teetering past tipsy to fully drunk in your childhood bedroom, on christmas eve. well, he’s not exactly inside the room, more knocking on the door frame.

you gesture for him to come in, setting the wine bottle down, as he takes the seat next to you.

“where’s yuuji?” you ask.

“still at megumi’s.”

sukuna loosens the tie around his neck and unbuttons the top three buttons of his collared shirt, as he slides closer to you. you've never been one to shy from his touch, settling into his embrace, as he racks his mind, desperately, on how to broach the topic, that’s been on his mind for weeks.

sukuna slides his arm around your shoulder to your nightstand, to a little bundle of dried flowers. he opts to leave his hand pulled around you, as he pulls it closer to the two of your faces, resting his temple against yours.

“what’s this?”

“it’s my corsage from prom. like sixty years ago.”

“who did you go with?” sukuna asks.

“no one. i never got asked. i just bought one because…you know how all the girls line up in a row and stick their hands out to show their corsage off? i didn’t want to be left out of that picture.” you state.

“so you ordered it yourself?”

“mhm. pink flowers, white bow. it matched my dress.” you hum.

“always the bows huh?”

sukuna sets the corsage down in your lap, as he leans closer into your space and digs into his pocket. you can smell his cologne, strong and musky in your space, as it mixes with your own flowery perfume and gives your head a slight rush.

he pulls out his keys and sets them flat in the palm of your hand, as you inspect each little accessory on his ring. there’s two keys - one for his apartment and one for his house - and two keychains. one of him as a lego, which you know yuuji bought him for his birthday, and another one from alaska, that you and yuuji had bought him on your school trip in eighth grade.

but the third is a ribbon, secured right on the ring of his keychain. you inspect it between your fingers, and he supplies the answer before you can ask.

“you left it at my house.” he states.

“so…so you put it on your keys?”

“wanted to make sure it was on me. in case i saw you.”

you make a move to pull it off the ring, but he closes his hand over yours.

“it’s mine now.” he states.

“then why did you show it to me?” you whispers.

sukuna’s not sure what it is that drives him to do it, merely the fact that he has no patience and surely no self control, but he hooks his hand straight under your thigh, securing you straight on his lap. you can feel your breath hitch in your throat as he leans his forehead straight against yours, his hands on your thighs burning your skin.

“what are you doing? yu-yuuji will eventually get here you know.” you whisper.

“do you like him?” sukuna asks.

“what? no-no, he’s with megumi. and he’s gay.” you whisper.

“so why are you thinking about him when you’re here with me?”

“i-i’m not. you just-”

sukuna swallows hard, taking a deep inhale of your smell, before he slithers one of his hands around your neck and pulls you closer. he can feel you fidget in his lap, nearly knocking over half the things behind you as you twitch in his lap and he murmurs into your skin.

“relax.”

you take a deep breath, grounding yourself by digging your hands into the muscle of his arms.

“okay. you-”

“the guy at the bar. what did he say to you?” he whispers.

“which guy?”

“when i picked you up last. when you slept in my bed.”

you feel your cheeks burn in embarrassment.

“nothing. he-”

sukuna’s squeezing into the plush of your thighs, his hands firm and warm as you fight the urge to yelp.

“tell me what he said.”

“nothing, sukuna. i didn’t want to kiss him yet. and he leaned in. got-got offended. just said some things before he walked away.” you mumble.

“things like?”

“like you know. the usual stuff.”

“that you’re ugly?” he asks.

it's almost embarrassing, but his look is so unrelenting that you have to give in. you nod, as sukuna takes his hands off of your legs, bringing them up to cup the side of your face this time. he snakes one of his hands into your hair, yanking the bow out as he curls it in his hand.

“do you believe him?” he asks.

“no.” you respond.

sukuna leans closer, his lips brushing against yours as you instinctively shut your eyes. that it burns too much to look at him.

“are you lying to me?”

“n-no.” you mumble back, as you try to lean in but feel sukuna pull back.

when you open your eyes, you can’t but pout as he smiles at you, as he grins at you after pulling away.

“don’t be a tease, sukuna.”

he laughs into your neck, before the warmth blooms on your neck as his lips connect to your skin, as he leaves a trail of warm kisses up the side of your neck. each new spot he touches has you nearly melting in his touch, as he can feel you slouching onto him, leaning your entire body weight against his.

he continues that way, refusing to kiss you full on the mouth, as you feel your skin bloom warmth with every new place that he touches. each of your cheeks, the tip of your nose, even your eyelids that you’ve fluttered shut this entire time. some part of it is agonizing, that he continues to give but won’t receive in return.

you take his collar into your hands, crumpling the fabric as you yank him straight and feel him smile against your lips.

“needy?”

“please. i want to-”

sukuna cuts you off before you can finish your request, the first inclination of your begging snapping the very little patience he had in the first place. your lips are soft and warm against his, as you surely spread that glittery nonsense over him, over his neck as you start peppering kisses over him. from how shy and awkward he’s seen you, he swallows down the surprise at how eager you are, at the way you’re basically pawing at him through his shirt.

except you pull back, wide eyed, when the two of you hear pounding up the step, accompanied by two voices getting louder in your ears.

“y/n!!! y/n, y/n merry christmas!!!” yuuji bellows, as you shove sukuna onto the floor and sit upright as he pads into the room and wraps you in a hug.

sukuna wipes his lips with the back of his hand as he stands up, giving megumi a nod, as yuuji turns to him and shakes hands. sukuna can’t help but smile at how pink your cheeks are, swollen lips and glazed eyes, as megumi and yuuji settle into both of your sides, arms wrapped around you.

you swallow hard as you look at sukuna, wide eyed as you noticed all the lipgloss that you left over him. and pale when megumi notices the big red mark on his neck.

“is that a rookie mark, sukuna?”

sukuna brings his hand up to his neck, only to be met back with the glitter on his fingers as he smiles - or more appropriately, grins at you - as you feel your cheeks go pink.

“who gave you that sukuna? your neighbor?” yuuji asks.

you feel your eyes go wide, as sukuna pinches his eyes at yours before responding.

“no. i haven’t talked to her in a while.”

you tuck away the detail, making sure to ask him about it later. it’s only now that sukuna’s reputation comes to the forefront of your mind, as you realize you might have made a grave mistake by letting sukuna indulge in whatever infatuation it is he’s having with you.

“yuuji. did you say hello to y/n’s sister?” he asks.

“she’s back in town?” he asks, turning to you.

“mhm. got back in today.” you murmur, as the two of them shoot you a smile and shuffle back into your room.

sukuna lifts you up by your wrists, as he starts fixing your appearance little by little. you can feel him zipping up the back of your dress - entirely unsure when he even had the time to do that - as he snags the little bow from his pocket and smooths it back into your hair.

“whose your neighbor?”

“jealous, princess?” he asks.

you turn around, poking one of your hands into the muscle of his chest.

“sukuna. i am not going to be one of your little lack-”

“you are not a lackey.” he whispers.

you pout at him, entirely disbelieving, as he wraps his hands around your face, the kiss sweeter, softer than the ones the two of you had just shared on the bed.

“you’d kill me if you did that.” you murmur.

“you think i relish in your pain?” he asks.

“dunno. you-”

he leans your head up again, tucking his head into the softness of your neck as he starts peppering kisses you again. your hands are a futile attempt to stop him, as he laughs into your skin.

“i’m here to make you feel good. i’ve been thinking about it for weeks.”

“oh?”

“let me. you- you’ve always been my pretty girl. and no one can make you feel good, treat you like you should, better than me.”

you push him off again as megumi and yuuji come back, with your sister in tow, as they gesture for you to join them downstairs. and sukuna follows behind, as you fight the urge to beam, when he secures his hand into yours behind their backs.

Chapter 2: french toast

based on the seventeen years that sukuna has known you, he figures that you’ve already worked up some type of overthinking storm in your head when you arrive at his apartment two days later. and he knows for a fact that he’s right, because you’re at his doorstep with a pinched look on your face, clutching your purse like you’re about to get robbed. 

“hi pretty girl. did someone make an attempt on your life today?” 

you can feel your cheeks burning at the term of endearment, so phased you can barely coherently respond - or understand - what it is he said. 

“no?” you respond, nearly sweating under his eye contact as he smiles. 

“then why are you looking at me like you think i’m going to eat you?” he asks, annoyed as he gestures for you to walk into the kitchen. 

you feel your head run in a spiral, at the implication of his words, as he places his hands flat on your shoulders, and guides you to sit at the stool on his little kitchen island. the entire ordeal - the breakfast, the fact that he’s peeling off your coat and pressing a kiss to your temple, and the lingering touches - they make your skin burn, almost itch with nervousness. 

he stands on the other side of the counter, leaning forward on his forearms, as he smiles at you. and you try your best to figure out what exactly it is that’s beaming in his eyes as he leans forward. 

“pick your poison.” 

you feel yourself pale. 

“huh?” 

he frowns, as he leans back. 

“for breakfast? what did you want to eat?” he clarifies. 

you breathe a sigh of relief. 

“anything’s okay. don’t trouble yourself. i-i can even help.” 

you walk over to his side, pulling up your sleeves and giving him a peachy smile, as he takes the opportunity to step towards you. your back hits the counter and sukuna makes it a point - resting both of his arms at your sides - as he traps you within his hold. 

“talk.” he states, almost sternly. 

“hm?” 

sukuna leans closer, leaning his forehead against yours, as he takes a deep breath. it reminds you vividly, of two nights ago, when he pulled you straight onto his lap. and murmured into your skin that you were his pretty girl. and that he was going to prove it to you. 

“talk.” he states, the tone in his voice irritated. 

you look up at him, at his eyes razor focused in on yours, and spot no inclination of irritation on his face. despite the fact that you were almost positive that it was dripping from his tone. though, you always found him particularly hard to read.  

“now.” he murmurs. 

you sigh. 

“what are you trying to do right now?” you ask. 

he rolls his eyes. there’s the irritation you were hearing. 

“make you breakfast.” he deadpans. 

“is that all?” 

“what are you getting at?” he asks. 

sukuna often finds that talking to you is like digging a hole. that it takes patience. because he’s not going to find what he’s looking for forthright. but he knows for a fact that there’s something down there. 

it’s aggravating. but he persists.  

“promise you won’t make fun?” you ask. 

“i will do no such thing.” 

“sukuna.” you whine, crossing your hands against your chest. 

sukuna finds this part of you endearing. because it reminds him of all the different ways he’s seen you. when you were four and barging into his house to play wii with his little brother, explaining barbie movies at the dinner table, and tagging along on his family vacation when he was fourteen. 

and how after all this time, you still have the same tendencies. you bounce your right leg when you’re nervous, tuck your hair behind your ears when you’re finished rambling, and curl your hands into little fists and cross your arms - entirely unable to meet his eyes - when you’re embarrassed. 

sukuna clears his throat, as you look up at him. and you know the expression all too well. that he’ll wait all day if he has to. 

“no making fun. i’m serious, sukuna.” 

“it’s almost like you know you’re going to say something stupid.” 

“don’t call my feelings stupid.” you murmur. 

“well, i’ll keep calling them stupid until you tell me what they are. i’ll be honest if you let me.” 

this is something you can appreciate about sukuna. that he won’t beat around the bush. or say things just to coddle. it’s the same as the other night, where you told him about what happened at the bar, when he didn’t rush to your defense like almost everyone else does. and when it comes to this, you figure that he’ll be straightforward. 

“are you trying to have sex with me right now?” you ask. 

you look at sukuna, specifically at the way his eyes widen, before he breaks out into a laugh. and not just any laugh, because he’s nearly keeling over with how amusing he finds it. howling even. and it makes even more blood rush to your cheeks, humiliated for even bringing it up. 

sukuna grins, lifting his hands up from the sides of the counter and wrapping them around your neck.you can feel your breath hitch in your throat, as you instinctively shut your eyes. he’s going to be straightforward. 

“your feelings are stupid.” he whispers, right into your skin. 

you pull back, staring at him dumbfounded, as he places one of his hands on your waist. and he’s staring back at you, the expression in his face slightly amused. 

“that’s not nice.” 

“i’m not a nice person.” 

it’s frustrating. the tone that he uses with you. it teeters between placating and teasing you and you find it hard to decide which one exactly it is. and it seeps right under your skin, lets your irritation come to a head faster than it usually would.

“okay, well. sue me! you had no problems doing god knows what in my room the other day. and-and then you were making jokes about how you were going to eat me. the second that i got here. and-and you know how you are-” 

“and what’s that?” 

you pause.

“what?” 

“you said you know how you are. well, i don’t. enlighten me please.” he clarifies. 

sukuna’s pleased with himself. because he’s figured out exactly what it is, that’s brewing in that head of yours. and naturally, he has every intention to make you mince your words. 

“you-” 

you’re not sure how to say this. if there’s a polite way to call him what he is. 

“i’m what? a manwhore?” he asks. 

“no! you-” 

“you think i’m a horny freak, right? that i want to lift you up, take your skirt off, and have you right here on my kitchen counter?” 

you feel your eyes go wide, as you swallow hard, and feel the nervousness take residence in your stomach. sukuna senses it fast enough and makes his efforts to diffuse it. 

“do you think i would only invite you here because i want you to please me? do you think that’s the only way i can enjoy your company?” 

you can feel yourself getting too overstimulated, your head nearly steaming - at the implication, at the way he’s looking at you, and the fact that his lips are a few feet away from yours - and his smug grin crawling underneath your skin and making you twitch. 

you cover your face with your hands, feeling the warmth on your palms, as you feel his hands curl around your wrists, prying them off of your face. and when you look up at him, at the soft smile on his face, as you can’t help but frown at him. 

“no…” 

sukuna smiles. 

“are you lying to me?” 

you deflate. 

“maybe a little.” 

sukuna secures his hands around your waist, before fully lifting you up and placing you on the counter. and he presses a lingering kiss to your cheek before he wordlessly starts rummaging through different cabinets in his kitchen and the fridge, fully intent on making you the breakfast you were promised. 

you can’t help but watch him, as he muses around his kitchen, slicing vegetables on the cutting board and fruits on the side. at how he entirely discards the conversation you just had like it was nothing. 

from two feet away, sukuna is very, very appreciative of you. because you’re not very proud. and despite your first attempts, you’re honest too. because he knows for a fact that your hesitation to state your thoughts is because you don’t want to write sukuna off as something so…lewd. even if you think it’s true. and that of course, any hesitation on your part comes from something deeper than him. 

the deep seated distaste you seem to have for yourself. though sukuna’s entirely unsure why it’s there in the first place. he slices a strawberry in half, letting the eggs cook at his side, before he makes a residence standing in between your legs. 

he hands you one of the halves of the strawberry, before popping the other in his mouth and leaning into your space. 

“i don’t think you’re a manwhore.” you clarify. 

“okay. i don’t think you’re one either.” he responds. 

you smile.

“but you do think that’s the only reason you’re here?” he pokes. 

“no! no, i don’t think that. i just-” 

you sigh, placing your hands flat on the fabric of his hoodie, as you crumple it into your fists. 

“sorry. i’m not very good at this type of thing. and-and you’re like…you know. reputation. and you obviously have needs! and megumi thinks you’re a womanizer.” 

sukuna snickers, as you release his hoodie, and you deflate slightly. mainly at the fact that he’s not offended. and letting you ramble - and say ten different things you shouldn’t - openly. 

sukuna doesn’t shy away from what exactly it is that you think of him. or what that godawful sea urchin megumi thinks either. because it’s naturally, quite simple. and somewhat true. because he finds it hard to stay in one place for a long time. and as you very keenly put it, he had needs. 

though, that rule, as sukuna was painstakingly reminded of, didn’t apply to you. because again, you transcended any normal guideline that sukuna had. which is why he was keen on making you breakfast two days later, on his day off. and make your favorite, which he specifically remembers from the camping trip. 

“i’m not sure what thing you’re referencing. and make no mistake. i don’t talk in tongues like you do. if i invite you over for breakfast, it’s because i want to eat breakfast with you.” he responds. 

“you were the one who said you were going to eat me.” you defend. 

“you were looking at me like you were scared of me. like how prey looks at a predator before it gets eaten?” 

“oh.” 

sukuna pushes off the counter as he starts plating the food onto and feels his ego inflate when you jump off the counter and cling to his arm when you realize what exactly it is that he made. 

“sukuna. i love french toast!” 

“yes. i’m well aware.” 

"how'd you know?" you ask.

sukuna looks over at you, the look in his eyes so devious, that you know you've certainly walked into something by stating it.

"you told us. on the camping trip. you've always been my pretty girl. even when you were fourteen."

you barely have time to even stomach what it is that he said as he lifts both plates as he makes a gesture for you to follow, seating the two of you back on his kitchen island. and when you settle in, sukuna gets to pick at your mind, with the questions that have been stuck in his head for the past two days. 

“before i divulge my manwhore adventures for you, you have to indulge me first. how many guys have you dated? or talked to?” sukuna asks. 

you hate sukuna’s choice of words sometimes. indulge. it’s almost like he knows he’s saying words that make you nervous. that make the sweat accumulate on the palms of your hands. 

“where’d you learn how to make french toast like this?” you ask, deflecting. 

“i asked first.” 

you swirl the eggs around on the plate - moving them from the left, to the right, and back to the left - before you answer. 

“i had a crush on this guy named dean from sixth grade to eighth grade. all of the boys in school got dared to slow dance with different girls and he picked me. it was an awkward four minutes of halo by beyonce but i loved him after that. he was funny. and cute.” 

“did you date?” he asks. 

“oh, of course not. he started liking this girl named kimi in eighth grade.” 

sukuna’s not exactly sure if this is the question he asked. but you keep going. and it’s intriguing to him nonetheless. 

“in my sophomore year of highschool, i had a crush on this guy named parker. he was kind of nerdy, like the stupid type? my english teacher would always put us in group projects together, and when i asked him why, he said it was because he wanted us to get married.” 

“that’s an appropriate thing to say to a fifteen year old.” sukuna bites. 

“no! my teacher had this dream to go to two of his students weddings, that met in his class.” 

“and what killed that extremely inapprorpiate dream, dead in its tracks?” 

“my best friend. we all somehow ended up in the same friends group our junior year. and they kind of started flirting. dated all the way till our freshman year of college.” you respond. 

sukuna curbs the question that comes to the forefront of his mind. because it occurs to him that his plausible answer to it, one that he despises, is exactly what’s going to be the answer. that if they liked each other, you were going to let them. despite the fact that you liked him first. 

“any more for me?” sukuna asks. 

“my first boyfriend was in my senior year of highschool.” 

sukuna feigns shock, as you fight the urge to laugh. 

“have we finally arrived to a real boyfriend?” 

you laugh, as you settle your hand into his underneath the table. there’s something so inviting about him, the way he’s hanging off the ends of your words and listening intently, that makes you continue. 

“we don’t speak his name.” you state. 

“oh?” 

“he’s not a good guy. we dated until….my freshman year of college. december. and we officially stopped talking the summer of my sophomore year.” you state. 

sukuna bites the urge to ask every question in his mind. on who this guy is, why you continued to talk to him almost an entire year after, and most importantly, why you haven’t talked to anyone else since. 

except for him anyways. for the first time, sukuna finds himself being the exception. in a way that’s favorable to him. 

“that’s all of them! your turn.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“that’s all?” 

“mhm! it’s kind of boring, i’m assuming. in comparison to you.” 

sukuna concludes one thing. that all three of these men, especially the last, were not deserving of you. in the slightest. and that each one had wrecked a sizeable amount of havoc. he curses himself for not paying attention when he was still there.

“oh definitely. you’d need to stay here all day if you wanted to here that.” 

you smile brightly. 

“that can be arranged.” you respond. 

sukuna leans forward, lips a few feet away from yours, before he speaks again. 

“you like to play hard to get, don’t you?” sukuna asks. 

“what? what do you mean?” 

sukuna places his hands on the rung of your chair, before pulling it flesh with his own. and he tests the waters, by placing his hand on your bare knee, right near the pleats of your black skirt. and he feels you instinctively press your legs together, but make no moves to push him off. 

“i didn’t make the list?” 

you swallow hard, entirely embarrassed. though, your first real crush you supposed is naturally the one that you’ve denied, vehemently, since you were four years old and yuuji asked you in passing. 

because when your eyes lingered on him for too long, after he fixed the wii controls and dutifully handed you both your controllers back - of his wii, that he was letting you play on - yuuji halfmindedly asked the question. 

why are you looking at him like that? do you like him or something? 

it was a joke, of course. because yuuji just asked so he could start the match of wii tennis while you weren’t paying attention. that in the rush of it, you never got to consider the answer to it in full. though you suppose there’s no better time to answer it than now. 

“i have this best friend. his name is yuuji.” you start. 

sukuna’s alarmed. so alarmed that he pulls his hand off of your thigh, retreating it behind his back. 

surely you didn’t really like yuuji. because that would stop whatever it was that was blooming right now. because he was not his brother, despite their identical pink hair. the farthest thing from it actually. 

“i met him when i was four. and i barged into his house because he wanted me to play wii with him. you see, his big brother didn’t really like to play with him so he figured that i was the next best thing.” you state. 

“he had greasy hands. so did you. it was disgusting.” he states. 

“and yuuji didn’t know how to turn on the game. or-or remember which one it was in. so he called his very cool, much older brother, to help us. i’d never met a six year old before, and naturally if i had, i wouldn’t have thought he was so cool.” 

“shut up.” 

sukuna desperately wants you to continue. 

“seemed like the real serious type. kind of quiet. dark blue shirt, black shorts. the socks that only go to your ankles. i didn’t even know that his name was sukuna until a few days later, when he walked with us to school. he didn’t even introduce himself to me.” 

“did you want to know him that badly?” 

“and he fixed the remote, obviously. had some six year knowledge we didn’t clearly. and-and he turned to me. gave me a smile before he handed one to me and walked away.” you state, shrugging at him. 

sukuna’s satiated with your answer. mostly because, it seems you seem to remember the ordeal in as excruticating detail as he has. that you were wearing a pink dress, gold earrings, and a ribbon in your hair. that your skin was the softest he had ever felt, that you were the first girl who had brushed fingers with him when he handed you the remote, save for his mom of course 

sukuna brings his hand back into your hair, feeling the fabric of the blue ribbon in your hair today, matching with the short cardigan that you were wearing. and he wants to keep this one too. yank it out of your hair and secure it to his keys next to the pink one he refused to return. 

sukuna looks down at the fabric, at your hair sprawled over your shoulder. he can make out the length of your collarbone from underneath your tanktop and settles his lips right into divot, before pressing a lingering kiss into your skin and feeling you keel over in his arms. 

“france.” he murmurs, right into your skin. 

“what’s that?” you ask, dazed from the contact. 

“i learned to make the french toast in france.”

he kisses up the length of your neck, making no inclination to stop even as you barely stutter your words out. and for the second time, can't resist and places his hands on your waist just to pull you straight on top of him.

"makes sense. that's just-just toast for them." you mumble.

sukuna can't help but laugh. he's never going to tire of you.

Chapter 3: meet and greet

sukuna often comes home to you.

it’s never without warning - a text from you, begging to be freed from your roommates who apparently can’t keep their hands off of each other - and then you’re settled onto his couch, into one of his blankeets, when he comes home.

sukuna would never be one to deny you. and on the third week, sukuna reasons that it’s practical. giving you a key to his apartment. one for you to keep, so you didn’t have to bend over and snag the spare from underneath his rug everyday. 

so he sets it down -  right in the middle of your book - before pressing a kiss to your cheek and letting you stew in your own feelings while he showers. and when he opens the door to the bathroom, he can hear your pounding feet right before you appear before him. 

“hey.” 

he smiles. 

“someone’s eager. can you let me put some clothes on, pretty girl?” 

you look down, at the fact that sukuna’s wrapping the towel around his bare waist, and pale. 

“no! no, sorry. i mean yes. sorry. i’ll come back.” 

sukuna relishes in the look on your face, that you’ve scrunched up your nose and forehead at how awkward you were being, as he places a hand on your shoulder, squeezing ever so slightly. he watches as your eyes slowly open, as you empathetically mouth the word sorry again, before he shrugs. 

it was a habit the two of you had fallen into, rather fast. sukuna was quick to realize that your head tended to run in ten places at once, that your mouth could barely keep up with whatever was going on in your head. and you were quick to stop - coaxed by a gentle squeeze of the shoulder - when you realized that you were going too fast and he couldn’t keep up. 

“you can stay. just promise not to look.” he mumbles, grinning to himself at the pink flush that goes down your neck as he gestures for you to follow. 

sukuna watches as you sit pretty on his bed, fists curled up in your lap, and your eyes dutifully shut as he quickly throws on a pair of clothes. he stops himself from talking too fast, taking the second to watch you, observe you like this. 

at you listening to him. so obediently. 

“are you decent?” you ask, eyes still pinched shut. 

“almost never.” 

“you know what i meant.” you deadpan. 

“yes, y/n. i’m wearing clothes.” he murmurs. 

sukuna brings his hands around your cheeks, slowly pulling you up into his embrace as he feels you slowly settle against him, your hands warm on his biceps. 

“had something you wanted to say?” he murmurs, lips warm on your forehead as you shudder. 

you focus in on his tattoo, curling down the length of his shoulder, tracing the inked skin with your fingertips. you swallow down the retort that you have, that he wasn’t wearing a shirt and therefore wasn’t fully clothed or decent, and decide to save it for another time.

and try to figure out the best way, the most appropriate way, to broach what sukuna had just given you. 

“sukuna.” 

“hm?” 

“a key to your apartment?” you whisper. 

“that’s right.” he murmurs. 

you press yourself flesh to him, arms wrapped underneath his, as you feel the warmth run to your face. it’s moments like these that you can barely even look at him, because talking and maintaining contact with his eyes simultaneously had proven to be a difficult feat. 

he made you nervous. you know that he uses it to his advantage. 

like he was right now. purposely dropping the key on you, only to fully talk when he wasn’t wearing a shirt. you knew that sukuna had to be aware. of how he made you feel. you’ knew he was the observant type. and that he was perceptive too.

it’s almost too precise. too intentional, the way he touches you. like you're glass in his hands, only touching you where you touch him first.

in almost two weeks, his lingering brushes haven’t gone past your hips or your thighs, his warm kisses stopping right at your neck. it was entirely different to the haphazard, almost callous hands that you were used to, in your granted very limited experience. 

it made your entire body twitch. though you suppose that’s the effect that sukuna just has on people. 

“you ever think we’re going a little too fast?” you ask. 

“did i ask you to move in with me?” 

“no.” 

“did i propose marriage?” 

you scoff. 

“no.” 

“put a kid in you?” 

“obviously not.” 

sukuna laughs, right before pushing you back on the bed, ignoring your yelps as he all but crawls on top of you, his necklace hovering right above your lips as he smiles down at you. 

“then how are we moving too fast?” he asks. 

“you can’t just give me a key to your apartment. what if i’m a serial killer?” 

“right. i’m going to get stabbed by a knife wrapped in a sparkly pink bow.” 

“you could! have you never watched criminal minds? people will do anything these days.” you defend. 

sukuna pauses, before he slowly dips down, lips warm on your cheek. 

“are you planning on murdering me anytime soon?” he whispers. 

“no.” 

he responds with a kiss, before latching his lips straight to your neck. 

“are you going to secretly plot to steal the apartment from me?” 

“no.” 

this time his lips linger for too long in that spot, the pressure increasing so fast that it makes you can’t even stop the yelp from coming out of your mouth even if you wanted to. 

“are you going to steal from me?” 

“maybe your shirts.” you murmur. 

“maybe my shirts.” he repeats, resembling an affirmation. like he’s giving approval.

sukuna finally releases the spot on your neck, which you’re sure will purple over by tomorrow, as he brings his left hand down into your hair. 

“you have weird fucking roommates. don’t think i haven’t noticed that you keep coming back here to study. to have some peace and quiet. just take the key and use the space. what’s mine is yours.” 

you wrap your hand around the silver chain, pulling him closer to you as you muster your best, more intense stare for him. but sukuna just thinks that you oddly resemble a kitten when you do it and swallows down his laugh. 

“promise i won’t disturb you?” 

“disturb? no. distract, however? i imagine that’s nearly impossible for you to do.” 

“hey. i would leave you alone if you asked me to.” 

“why would i ever ask you to do that?” he responds, pushing off the bed and holding his hand out to you as you both pad out of his bedroom and back out to the kitchen. 

--

on friday, sukuna sends you a message from his work email. 

 

Dear Y/N, 

Are you free tonight? 

Best, 
Sukuna 

 

you snicker, as you open up the email chain and type your reply. 

 

dear king of my ass, 

i knew the age gap was going to bite us in the butt. did you just send me an EMAIL? are you about to invite me to a NURSING HOME? 

your friendly neighborhood spiderman, 
y/n 

 

the response comes back extremely fast. 

 

dear queen of my dick, 

did you learn how to write emails from a cereal box? have some decorum. and i’m only two years older than you, for your information. 

my colleagues have decided to take my phone for the day in their very futile efforts at stopping me from arguing with our boss. and naturally, the group of them have decided to look through my phone and now have every intention to meet you. can you meet us for drinks at six? 

the green goblin, 
sukuna 

 

you respond back just as fast. 

 

dear prince of cooties, 

interesting. who are these clowns? and why do they know your phone passcode when you won’t even tell me? >:( 

(your response is contingent on my arrival, traitor) 

member of the order of the phoenix, 
y/n 

 

you step off the train, nervously waiting for a response, as you sprint up to your apartment to find a for a good outfit to wear. that would impress sukuna and his friends. 

the mere thought of it fills you with anxiety when you think about it. that sukuna’s friends would be domineering, as intense, if not even more than he was. and that it would be very easy for you to embarrass him. 

 

your royal stinkiness, 

do i need to come over and shut you up? you’re yapping an awful lot.

and our resident pain in the ass only noticed - and badgered me to invite you to our plans - when he saw my lock screen. i’ll meet you at yours at five thirty. 

your most beloved death eater, 
sukuna 

 

there’s a very simple solution to your problem. the only person who can help you with your outfit is your roommate, mai. 

--

sukuna never found it in himself to police what a woman wears. mainly because it never did him any good in the past. a high heel to the foot, getting yanked out of the bar by his hair, and worst of all, losing the hair cells in his ear from the screaming. 

but you can’t be serious. there’s no way he’s going to let you wear that. 

“uh, you can come in. just be quiet. mai has one of her guys over. i just need to finish my makeup.” 

and change your outfit. 

the retort dies on his tongue as follows you through your dorm, only now acutely aware of the age difference between the two of you, as the smell of sex reeks in the foyer, reminding him too vividly of when he was in college four years ago. 

you drag him straight into your room by the wrist, sitting down at your vanity, as sukuna lingers around your room - his hands on all of your little trinkets - as you brush the last of the powders on your cheeks. 

“this is perverted.” he states. 

you turn around to find your sonny angel in his hand, as you stand up and snatch it back from his hands before glaring at him. 

“don’t talk about her like that. it’s a special edition.” 

“it isn’t wearing any clothes.” 

“i could throw you out for the same reason but you don't see me doing that. put her back. "

you settle back into your vanity as he comes up behind you, smiling at you from the mirror before resting his arms right at your sides. he bends down and presses a kiss into your bare shoulder, his eyes quickly wavering down before meeting yours again. 

thank god for mai. 

“are you going to wear that?” sukuna asks, carefully picking his words. 

he watches as you turn back and look at him, eyes wide. 

“do you not like it?” you murmur. 

“do you like it, y/n?” he asks. 

you swallow hard. 

“what do you mean?” you ask. 

sukuna knows for a fact that he’s right. that in the three weeks that he’s been privy to be this close to you, what he’s gathered is correct. and he desperately hates that he has to wrestle you out of this outfit now, because there’s no way he was going to watch you twitch and shuffle in your seat the entire night. 

for reasons that are entirely lost to him, you’re not very comfortable with certain parts of your body. he can tell from the clothes you pick out, from the way you tend to shift nervously and yank your own shirts down when you feel something might be showing too much. 

he can gather as much. you’re not particularly fond of your chest. you tend to dress more modestly when it comes to the shirts you wear, always layered and hardly revealing. you’re not nervous when it comes to your legs. he's seen you sporting shorts and skirts, even going as far as letting him place his hands on your thighs. 

and he’s almost positive that there’s no way that you feel comfortable now. because you’re shoulders are tense and you keep pulling your top up, nervously readjusting your hair onto your shoulders to cover the most that he can. 

it’s only then that he notices it. 

“your hair.” he states. 

“what about it?” 

“fix it.” he demands. 

you turn back to look at him again, tilting your head to the side in confusion. and he’s not sure if you’re doing it on purpose, trying to get him to verbalize his embarrassing request or get on his nerves, but he’s intent on getting you back for it all the same. 

“the ribbon. put it on.” he responds, grating the words through his teeth. 

you feel the smile spread across your face - and immediately wipe it off when he glares at you - as you rummage through your drawer for one of your ribbons and quickly lace it in with the strands. and he gives you his approval - in the form of a kiss on the top of your head - before kneeling at your side. 

“are you trying to impress me? with the shirt?” he asks.

“yeah. but it’s not a bad thing! i….i just want to look nice for you. and your friends.” 

sukuna takes a deep breath. it seems that you were always deadset on testing his patience. 

“who put that thought into your head? and for your sake, i’ll pretend that i didn’t hear the end of that sentence.” he utters, wholly irritated. 

“about your friends-” 

sukuna leans closer to you, knocking over the tiny bottles of serums and makeup on your desk, as his breath fans onto your face.

“don’t repeat it again. you’re only supposed to dress like that for me.” 

you feel the embarrassment course through you. 

“sor-” 

“change.” he repeats, pushing off of the desk and knocking everything else off the stand. 

he finds himself in your closet, pushing your hangers on the rod before yanking out one of your dresses, as you nod and shoo him out of your room. and when you shimmy the dress on, discarding the old top onto your bed.

sukuna’s satisfied by the smile you give him, that you seem to release your breath as he all but pulls you out of your apartment by your wrists. 

--

sukuna stops you before you walk into the bar. and makes you repeat the promises he’s asked you to make. though, you really can’t understand half of them. 

“okay, repeat for me.” 

“i am under no circumstances allowed to divulge that we’ve known each other since we were kids. specifically to satoru. i’m not allowed to exchange social media with shoko. and i’m not going to interact with anyone at the other tables.” 

“good girl.” 

sukuna tucks you into his side, as he pushes open the door, and drags you to the table all the way in the back. there’s four people seated there, each clearly still in their work clothes of buttoned up shirts and blazers. 

sukuna reaches for the one closest to the edge, with white hair and blue eyes, before nearly yanking him out of the booth and instructing him to sit on the other side. 

“i was sitting there!” he pouts, wrapping his arm around the blonde at his side who recoils in response. 

“and now she’s sitting there.” sukuna states, pushing you into the middle seat of the booth.

sukuna places his hand flat on your knee before pushing down, in an effort to stop your nervous bouncing. 

“y/n. these are my coworkers, sa-” 

“friends! we’re his friends!” the white haired man states again, smacking his fist on the table. 

“coworkers. shoko, nanami, satoru, and suguru.” he clarifies. 

“it’s nice to meet you guys. my name is y/n!” 

“blink twice if you’re in danger. or if he’s holding you hostage.” shoko states, peering into your eyes. 

you laugh, pleasantly surprised and less nervous by the joking demeanor - and the fact that the four of them are actually smiling at you - as you slump down into the chair. you place your hand over sukuna’s under the table and squeeze. 

“how did you guys meet?” nanami asks. 

“we met when we were…at the grocery store.” you state. 

“meet cute!” satoru states, clapping his hands together as sukuna rolls his eyes. 

and it goes decently well. because sukuna’s friends, or coworkers, aren’t what you expected in the slightest. you find out very quickly that satoru likes to annoy sukuna like it’s his one job in life, which sukuna absolutely detests. and that suguru, whose increasingly soft smiles have been helping you all night, has been dating him for the past two years. 

“do you think we’re best friends in every universe, sukuna?” satoru asks. 

“we aren’t best friends.” 

“sukuna!” 

“i would kill you in another life. and this one too, given the chance.” 

and it all comes crashing down - the warm, gooey feeling you have from being liked by sukuna’s friends, that they remind you of your own - when someone pulls up a chair to the end of the booth, sitting on it backwards, slurring as they talk. 

“do i know you from somewhere?” 

you take in his appearance and immediately pale, realizing that you do in fact know him somewhere. and that it wasn't very pleasant. and that in the next few seconds, sukuna’s going to revert to his teenage rage when he finds out you lied about what happened at the bar a few weeks ago. 

“no! no, i don’t think so.” 

“do you think you would be able to quit being a nuisance for one night, zenin?” shoko asks, making it a point to light a cigarette right in his peripheral. 

“i swear i know you from somewhere. have we met before?” 

“i’m afraid not.” you respond. 

“i’m afraid not?” he repeats, squinting his eyes together before they go wide. 

wrong choice of words. because he catches on fast enough and responds by smacking his fist right on the table, before laughing. 

“this is our boss, naoya zenin. unfortunately, he’s always like this.” suguru murmurs, mustering a polite smile. 

“that’s what you said to me. i’m afraid not. before you bit me.” naoya clarifies. 

you pale and look over at sukuna, whose ears have perked up, as he leans over his forearm, his fists clenched on the table. 

“what did you just say?” sukuna asks. 

“this is the crazy bitch i told you about a few weeks ago. she fucking bit me when i tried to kiss her.” 

“it was an accident. you just caught me off guard!” you clarify. 

and within the blink of an eye, sukuna’s punched him straight in the nose, sending the poor guy to the ground. and you can tell he makes no move to stop when he holds him up by the collar of his shirt, as nanami and satoru stand at his sides, urging him to settle down.

you remember now from the email that sukuna had stated, rather explicitly, that it took the group of them to settle him down from his boss everyday. and now his hatred for him was certainly worse.

shoko and suguru are at your sides, hands on your shoulders, as they pinch their faces up. 

“c’mon, sukuna. not worth it.” nanami murmurs, trying to wrestle the poor guy out of his hands. 

“are you really going to do this in front of your girl?” satoru asks, eyes wide as he glances over at you. 

sukuna clears his throat, like he’s thinking, before he talks. 

“suguru.” 

he sighs at your side. 

“really, sukuna. it’s not a good look.” he responds. 

“exactly. so get her out of here.” he repeats, glaring at him, as suguru and shoko oblige start shuffling you out of the bar by your sides and taking you out into the cold of the bar. 

but the windows are clear. and the shades are pulled wide open. the fact that the two of them have escorted you out leaves little to the imagination. because sukuna swings the second your feet hit the pavement and the resounding cracks that follow could only meet one thing. 

“we’re sorry about him. he’s not always like this.” suguru states. 

“no, he is. he’s been like this since he was like thirteen.” you murmur. 

you feel your eyes widen, as suguru and shoko look over at you, confused. 

“ah. you know. he’s told me before. about how he was as a kid. real emotional guy.” 

“no he hasn’t.” shoko states. 

suguru breaks out into a smile. 

“have you known sukuna for a while? like…since you were kids?” suguru asks. 

“don’t tell satoru. he made me promise. but i’ve known him since i was four. he’s my best friend’s older brother.” 

and then shoko and suguru are barely able to contain their laughs, the latter nearly toppling onto the pavement as tears sprout out of his eyes. which is the exact sight that sukuna walks out to - seeing stars from his left eye as the skin swells up. he’s quick to stand at your side, as you reach out for his fists, eyeing the red smeared all over them. 

“not mine. most of it anyways.” 

“your eye. are you-” 

“i had to let him get one in. so i don’t get fired.” he shrugs, as he look over at suguru, who is now being pulled up by satoru. 

he glares. 

“what the fuck is so funny?” 

“y/n promised she wouldn’t let satoru find out. scouts honor.” 

you watch as sukuna’s cheeks turn pink, and as he quickly waves goodbye to everyone, before he’s dragging you down the block to the car and far away from them. 

--

“hold the ice pack there.” you scold, pushing the block back into his face as he rolls his eyes. 

you’re intent on disinfecting and wrapping both of sukuna’s knuckles, because save for what he said, there’s deep cuts along the length of both of his hands. 

“it’s fine.” he states. 

“you know. he was bleeding too. hiv can be passed through bodily fluids.” 

sukuna laughs, as you fight the urge to smile, and you carefully tie the white bandages around his wrist. his hands are calloused under yours, rough as you brush your fingers around his peeled skin and he lightly flinches. 

“relax.” you murmur. 

“you bit him?” he asks. 

you groan. 

“you’re in no position to be asking me questions right now. i’m mad at you.” 

“you’re mad at me? and what did i do to be so worthy of your wrath?” 

“i was having fun! i didn’t want to leave yet. and i didn’t realize you were still stupid enough to get into fights, sukuna.” 

“he called you a bitch. that warranted more than what i did.” 

"don't pretend that was you showing mercy, sukuna. he probably got dragged out on his feet."

"and if he didn't, i'll make sure of it on monday."

you sigh.

“now i’m never going to tell you what happened.” you state. 

sukuna rests one of his hands by your side, setting the icepack down and squeezing hard as you focus in on the bandage on the other side. 

“ice pack.” 

“don’t want it. i want to know what happened.” 

“well, i’m not going to tell you.” 

sukuna reaches his hands beneath the pleats of your dress, lifting you straight onto the counter, and pushing so close into your space that you’re lying down flat on the granite of his counter. and naturally, he’s hovering over you again, his pink hair tickling your forehead.

you find it annoying that he always talks to you like this. mostly because it sends your heart straight into your throat and you find it hard to talk. 

“you should really ice that. and do you always feel the need to be on top of me when you talk to me?” 

“only when you’re being bratty and won’t listen.” he states. 

“i wasn’t done with your hand.” 

“and i wasn’t done talking to you.” 

you pause.

“promise you won’t do anything.” 

“absolutely not.” 

“sukuna.” 

“fine.” 

“i was talking to him at the bar. he leaned into to kiss me. i didn’t want to, so i said i couldn’t. be asked why. if i liked him. i said “i’m afraid not” and then he leaned in again. fully this time. and i was so shocked that i accidentally bit his tongue before i could push him off. and then he called me an ugly bitch and walked away.” 

sukuna pushes off the counter, yanking you off of your back by your forearms before he holds his hand out to you again. and places the ice pack flat against his eye. you shoot him a grateful smile as you finish the other bandage and then press yourself flesh against him. 

“i made no promises. i’m going to punch him again on monday.” he states.

“had a feeling. you're going to get fired.” you state. 

"nope."

"he'll report you to hr."

"and i'll tell them that he tried to sexually assault my girlfriend."

you feel your cheeks burn, your heart thumping fast in your chest. at sukuna so freely giving you the label, like it was almost nothing to him.

"you're crazy."

“you’re fine with it? me beating it out of him?” 

“no. but that’s not going to stop you is it?” you ask. 

“absolutely not. he put his hands on you. I have every intent to break them.” 

always one for the dramatics.

you drag your hands down the length of his arms, before taking his hands in yours. sukuna’s never had someone look at him like this, so intently, so carefully at his injured flesh like they wanted to take the pain away away. and there’s a part of him, one that’s too proud, that won’t ask for what he wants. 

“that’s fine. it’ll be your fault when you get herpes.” you state. 

“herpes isn’t passed by blood.” he responds.

“why do you know that? speaking from past experience?” 

“shut up.” 

“well, now i’m never having sex with you. you can say goodbye to that fantasy.” 

“you wound me.” 

you release his hands as you reach for your things by the door, slipping your shoes on as you shoot him a smile. and it’s your smile, so full and bright, that supersedes the pride. 

“y/n?”

“yeah?” 

“can you come here?” 

you nod, shuffling over as you tuck the purse into the crook of your arm, and look up at him. 

“you’re not going to kiss it better?” he states. 

it comes out as a demand, almost sarcastic. although he didn’t mean it that way. he silently hopes that you’re able to parse out the real meaning and that you’ll oblige his request. 

“needy.” 

you stand on your tip toes and press a kiss to the pink near his eye, before locking your hands in with his and placing a kiss softly on top of both of the bandages. 

and when sukuna leaves, he can’t wait to beat it out of naoya again on monday. just to have you tenderly wrap him back up and put him back together after. 

Chapter 4: sleepover

sukuna hums into the softness of your cheek from the back of the chair, right before pressing a warm kiss into your skin. you squirm away when you feel the slightest bit of his teeth, your suspicions confirmed when he only laughs in response. 

“did you just bite me, sukuna?” 

“you smell good. good enough to eat.” he muses. 

“and now you’re just trying to make me mad.” you grumble, before shoving him off. 

sukuna laughs as he reaches for your bag slung across the chair, before slightly gesturing for you to look at the clock. 

“has it ever occurred to you..” he starts. 

“oh shit. i’m so sorry, i didn’t even realize it was so late.” you stammer, slamming your computer shut and reaching for your bag to pack your things. 

sukuna reaches for your hand, curling your knuckles straight into his hand as he shakes your arm, stopping your rambling and gesturing for you to look at him. 

“are you ever going to let me finish what i’m saying?” 

you lean your head to the side, giving him your best smile. 

“nope!” you respond. 

“figures.” 

sukuna found that you were slowly melting over the past month. that in all of your awkward uneasiness - which was still present almost any time he touched you, let his lips linger for a little too long - had slightly diminished. that you were sarcastic at times, that you loved to push his buttons, and make him laugh. 

“has it ever occurred to you that you can sleep here?” sukuna murmurs, reaching his hand right past your shoulder and handing you the last of your things to shuffle into your bag. 

he’s almost positive. that you won’t take up his offer on the first try. because naturally, you were stubborn and almost never did. you had warmed up to his key fast enough - and his efforts were always rewarded with time and patience. 

“is this because of the train? you know, you don’t really have to ride it with me all the way back and drop me home.” you murmur. 

you found yourself at sukuna’s apartment more often than not. his space was nice and big - two bedrooms, a soft couch, and his fridge that he always keeps stocked with all of the things that you had asked him for. it was already hard enough to stay away from him, always finding your feet dragging you to wherever he was in your free time, and now he was making it damn near impossible to stay away. 

and sometimes your work would keep you late. or sukuna would keep you tangled up in his arms for too long after dinner. so you’d be catching the last train home, all the way into the dark hours of the night. 

“yes, i do.” he states. 

“i’m a big girl. i know how to use my metrocard.” you respond. 

“my insistence on accompanying you has nothing to do with your capabilities. more with the fact that i’d rather not have you get harassed by a lewd lunatic on your way home. at least when i’m not there to beat it out of them anyways.” 

“no one does that type of stuff anymore.” you murmur. 

“have you ever been harassed on a train?” he asks. 

“once. when i was like twenty.” 

“one time too many. get your things.” 

you frown as sukuna slings your backpack over his shoulder, before holding his hand out to you. you very begrudgingly place your hand into his, mustering your best glare possible as he shuts the door behind you. 

“look at that face. so cute.” he coos, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he presses a kiss to your forehead. 

“do you ever think you’re too overprotective?” 

“i’d argue that it’s my job to protect you. and you know i’ve always been an overachiever.” he retorts back. 

--

Dear Y/N, 

Which train are you catching? I’ll meet you there. 

Best, 
Sukuna 

 

you shoot him a quick response. 

 

dear the prime minister of my headache, 

tell satoru i say hi!!!! i think you should download a game on your phone for him to play. and try NOT to piss off your LITERAL boss today, please :) 

and sorry! i can’t come tonight. dinner w/ my parents (commence ugly screaming) 

aggressive meowing, 
y/n 

 

you look up from your phone to find yuuji staring up at you, keys hanging from his hand as he gestures for you to follow him out the door. 

“what are you doing?” he asks. 

“sorry, sorry! i was responding to an email. i’m coming.” 

on the first of every month, you and yuuji trek out into the suburbs to have dinner with your parents. it was the only way that you could stomach them together. the mix of yuuji’s homophobic dad and your downright homicidal sister was a battle the two of you never did alone. 

 

dear president of my migraine, 

i told satoru you want him to die. he is now inviting you to karaoke and has made it very explicit that i am not invited. (i will attack you if you go) 

after reading your email, i decided to go spit in naoya’s face. and then paid a witch to hex his entire lineage. 

and yes, i’m aware. what train are you catching? i’ll accompany you on the bus there. 

equally aggressive barking, 
sukuna 

 

“hey. did you tell sukuna about dinner today?” you ask. 

“yeah, he might try and stop by. why do you ask?” yuuji adds. 

“no reason. that’s nice of him. it’ll make your mom happy.” you murmur. 

 

sukuna, 

i’m driving w/ yuuji and megs. you can accompany me on the bus + train back since yuuji’s going to go see the fushiguro’s while he’s here. 

best, 
y/n 

--

thirty minutes into dinner is when sukuna arrives. and in a total of five minutes, he’s overwhelmingly reminded of why he ran out of this place so fast and never returned in the first place. he can tell that you and yuuji are already cutting your losses - from the way yuuji’s fists are curled in anger and the fact that you’ve already slumped down to the bottom of your seat. he’d figured that you were going to be down in the dumps - your lack of ridiculous email signature downright haunting - and was already prepared in best efforts to fix it. 

he slides into the open spot at your side, his teenage agitation coming to a head at the empty seat to your mother’s left. sukuna thought it was a shame, a disgrace that any of you had left the seat open in the first place. that even in the metaphorical sense, there would ever be a place for your father in any of their lives again. not after he was so intent on leaving when you needed him. 

sukuna would sit in it himself, if it weren’t you. if you were present at the dinner, not swimming in your own pool of thoughts, sukuna supposes that you’d even signal to him not to. eyes wide in warning, telling him to not even dare. he had every intent to badger you, to convince you to never return here again. 

“how are you, sukuna? it’s been a while since we’ve seen you.” your mother asks, warm smile at him. 

sukuna tries to muster down that acidic feeling he had in an effort to be polite. and it was almost working, because he could see every semblance of your smile on her face. in the light of her hair. 

“i’m good, thank you.” he responds. 

“it’s been a while since you’ve come to see us. any particular reason?” your mom asks. 

“a girl, maybe? are you getting ready to propose under our noses?” mrs. itadori adds, the two of them sharing a giggling smile. 

you spit straight into your cup, to which yuuji shoots you an alarmed look at your side. you wave him off as you turn to sukuna, cheeks pink. you hadn’t even told yuuji that you were seeing sukuna yet, let alone your combined overbearing mothers. though that was for an entirely different reason. 

“not right now, no.” he offers, his hand finding its way into yours under the table to which you squeeze once in affirmation. 

“what about you, yuuji? are you seeing any girls?” mr. itadori asks, eyes pointed at yuuji. 

you fight the urge to audibly groan at the question, as you feel both sukuna and yuuji clench at your sides. sukuna’s your bigger concern, only because yuuji won’t do anything, but you still reach for him regardless. you place your palm flat on his knee and push down, trying to stop his bouncing leg from shaking the whole table. 

“no, dad.” yuuji grates. 

“what happened to that grump? fushiguro?” your sister sammy prods, flaring up special irritation that only she could invoke. you fought every urge you had to kick her straight under the table. 

“sammy.” you grate. 

“thank god that’s over. i heard his father lived on the bad side of town.” sammy states, head gleaning to the side for his approval. 

before sammy can get her sweet satisfaction from the adults, yuuji pulls his chair back, the wood screeching against the tile, as he takes his glass and heads to the kitchen. you sigh, giving your best glare to her and seeing your moms eyes fill with warm tears, as you follow yuuji as fast as you can. 

“yuuji.” you whisper. 

“if she wasn’t a woman, i’d slap her.” yuuji states. 

“and i’d let you. just relax.” you state, placing your hands on his shoulder and squeezing hard at the taut muscle, at the tension in his frame. 

“you slap her. you could you know.”

“yuuji. they don’t know megumi like-” 

“he doesn’t even talk to his father. his father was fucking horrible to him, he-he’s nothing like megumi.” 

“i know, yuuji. they-they just don’t know okay? we know-” 

“and what the fuck is sukuna doing here? he took his leave the first chance he got and now he’s here playing high and mighty?” 

you quickly shush him, his voice getting increasingly louder with every second.  

“yuuji. you guys are way past that. that was years ago.” you murmur, brushing the ends of his jacket, as he angrily sighs into your space. 

“still. even he’s pissing me off. we’re leaving within the hour. megumi’s already at his mom’s.” 

yuuji storms back into the dining room as you bring your fingertips to your forehead, massaging the pulsating feeling cooking in your head. sukuna’s eyes follow you as you settle back into your seat, as he reaches for your hand under the table again. 

“sukuna? sammy here is still single.” mrs. itadori comments, her eyebrows raised at sukuna in a smile. 

sukuna can tell that his mother must have hit some nerve, because you’re digging your hand into his so hard that he’s almost positive that you’re breaking skin on his palm. 

“oh, i could never.” sammy responds, biting the bullet for him. 

you swear to god that she bats her eyelashes at him when she speaks, the look on her face so smug that it makes you want to lift your fork and stab it straight in between her eyes. 

“right. not my type.” he states, dismissing her in one fell swoop. 

“oh sukuna, don’t be that way. we’ve been saying it since the two of you were kids! you’re both smart. dress well. you’d make beautiful grandchildren for us.” mrs. itadori states. 

“really, i-” sukuna starts. 

“you were gone for a long time, sukuna! things could be different now and…you’re both grown up. a conversation wouldn’t do any harm!” your mom adds. 

“plus. we have a lot of the same friends. some of them are actually in town.” sammy offers, which is your final straw. 

“i’m going to get dessert.” you state, pulling your chair back as you march into the kitchen. 

you can feel your hands shaking as you pull the cake out of the fridge, nearly dropping it, before sukuna’s immediately at your side, his hands stabilizing yours as he all but steals it from your hands. you curse that he rushed in here so fast, that now he was going to gloat in your space while you were already down. 

“be careful.” he warns. 

you cross your hands against your chest, head burning as sukuna takes over for you, opening the little plastic box and sliding the cake onto the little platter at the side. you can tell that he’s staring at you, his eyes focused on your frame in your peripheral vision. 

“what the fuck are you looking at?” you ask. 

this one’s new, sukuna thinks. 

“y/n.” 

you groan, embarrassed at your words, as the warm, frustrated tears start filling your eyes. at yuuji’s stupid dad, at what yuuji said about sukuna, about your mom, and your godawful sister. 

you cover your face with your hands, turning your back to him as you press your forehead against the cold metal of the fridge, trying your best to swallow the wave of shame that’s coursing through your body. 

it stings so much that when sukuna puts his hand on your shoulder that you all but shrug him off in response. sukuna himself has very little patience, almost none when it comes to you being so upset, so he pulls you in straight to his chest, hands secured right against your waist. 

“pretty girl.” he murmurs, almost like an invitation. you shoot it down. 

“shut up. you-i think it’s really stupid when you call me that. do you think you look better just because you have me pathetically standing next to you?” you respond. 

“y/n.”  he responds, his tone equally stern.

you look up to find him staring at you, jaw clenched as he towers over you as you feel even worse. you had no reason to say that to him. and as always, they had the tendency to bring this side out of you. even in front of him. 

“sukuna. wait, i’m sor-” 

sukuna takes his chance.

“make it up to me by sleeping at mine tonight.” he states, pushing off of you. 

“wait, what?” 

sukuna’s eyes waiver to the side, as your mom rushes in, hand warm on your shoulder as she squeezes. 

“you okay, princess?” she asks. 

you quickly wipe your eyes, slight smudges of black on your hands, as you muster your best smile. 

“yeah. yeah, sorry.” 

“something i said?” she offers. 

“no, no. you know-” 

“i know. sammy talk and all that. i’ll try and stop. sukuna, be a dear and take this out for me?” she asks, as sukuna obeys and shuffles out of the room. 

you hike your hands into your armpits, as your mom stacks the plates in her hands. 

“did you ever…would you ever think about suggesting me for something like that?” 

“what ever do you mean?” 

“you know…like as a prospect.”

“oh don’t be silly honey. we both know that yuuji is gay.” 

you frown as she walks out of the room, filled with annoyance at the premise. that your mom wouldn’t even consider that you and sukuna could even be together.  

--

you and sukuna head home in complete silence. you wave yuuji goodbye at the doorstep, shooting megumi a warning text when the group of you split that he was going to be worked up. 

“you can get your things from your dorm. we’re sleeping at mine.” sukuna states. 

so he was serious about that. you curl your hands into little fists, placing them under the warmth of your thighs as you look over at him. you quickly dart your head around the train car, only three people, sitting a sizeable distance away, before you talk. 

“sukuna, i don’t think it’s a good idea. i think we should just-” 

“are you sorry for what you said?” he asks. 

“yes. really, i- i was just mad at them. they made me mad the second i walked through the door and i had no right to take it out on you.” 

“good. make it up to me then.” he responds, his eyes focused on your lips. 

sukuna wonders if he could kiss the attitude out of you. 

“what?” 

“if you feel bad, then make it up to me. you’re staying with me tonight.” 

sukuna half debates taking it back. that you were the one who was wound up from the dinner and that you had the right to sleep where you were comfortable. but the part of him that wants to comfort you, that has silently waited for you to crawl out of your hole, is fully intent on dragging you out of it tonight. 

and when sukuna’s pushed you into his apartment, his hands quickly find their way to your neck, almost toppling your balance as his lips meet yours. his lips are warm, the remnants of the sweet frosting still present, as he all but knocks you into the wall, unrelenting. 

“suk-” 

“shut up. you are in no position to be making demands.” 

sukuna’s almost positive. that if he riles you up enough, he’ll get you to break. that you’ll spill your secrets, instead of him having to intently watch you and use his head to piece them together. he tangles his fingers into your hair, before using it to hold you back against the wall. 

“still jealous of your big sister?” he asks. 

“i am not-” 

“does it make you mad? thinking about me with her?” 

“sukuna.” 

“what was it they said about her? that she was smart? that she dressed well?” 

the tone in his voice was aggravating. like it was some kind of game. that sammy was just some lay person who made you jealous, like a girl flirting with him at the bar or an idiot like naoya. like she wasn’t your sister. 

“don’t say the last one.” you respond, glaring at him. 

sukuna’s got you right where he wants you. 

“is that what’s bothering my pretty girl? grandchildren?” he asks. 

his tone is enough to piss you off, for the second time. 

“what the fuck is your problem? go fuck my sister then if you want her that bad. i’m sorry i can’t be good enough for you, but-but i’m trying to do the best with what i have. i know i can’t be her, but if you didn’t want me, you should have just said so. if you were intent on bringing me to your apartment to make fun of me, you shouldn’t have.” 

sukuna watches as you break from his grasp, shoving past him as you brace your hands on the counter and lean forward. sukuna reasons that it’s enough. a part of him almost feels bad for pushing so hard, that if he was more patient he could have waited for you to tell. but he was always impatient when it came to you.

a part of him wishes that he could read your mind at times, only so he could shut up every idiotic thought you seemed to make up when you were riled up. 

he tangles his hand with yours, as he drags you - and your needlessly heavy bag of things - towards his bathroom. you’re following him with no pushback, which he takes as a good sign despite your words, as he sets the bag down at your feet. 

“wash up for bed.” he demands. 

you sigh. you reach for your skincare, hyperaware of sukuna still standing against the wall, hands crossed against his chest as he watches you follow through your routine. the first time he breaks, making it a point to walk over to you, is well after you’ve dried your face of all your makeup. 

he softly puts his hands on your cheeks, thumbs brushing underneath your eyes, as he murmurs. 

“freckles.” 

you don’t say anything as he silently leans forward, lips soft on your cheeks as he leaves a kiss on your skin. sukuna always felt gentle when it came to how he touched you, something you weren’t half expecting, but the softness was enough to make you nearly keel over into his arms. you both take a deep breath in at the same time, sukuna’s voice filling the quiet space. 

“that god awful shit you put on your face. it’s covering up your freckles. don’t ever wear it around me again.” 

sukuna shuffles out of the room as you watch him retreat through the mirror, taking a second to ground yourself out of his presence. his warm, vanilla smell is still in the air, but you lean against the wall and take a few breaths and gather your bearings. you shoot a quick text to megumi, finally remembering to gauge how yuuji is doing, before letting mai know of your whereabouts. 

and in full flesh realize what you did. 

you yelled at sukuna. when he was trying to comfort you. twice. and told him it was stupid that he called you his pretty girl. 

you shuffle out after changing into your pajamas to find sukuna standing near the window, pulling the shades as you walk up behind him and bury your face into his back. he’s not wearing a shirt - confirming your suspicions that sukuna was the type to at least very least sleep semi-nude - as his hands meet yours on his stomach. 

“feel bad?” he asks. 

he turns around to find you standing there, pouting at him with tears in your eyes, as he fights the urge to laugh. you’re wearing some type of cartoonish pajamas, arms bare in a thin tank top resembling the one you had worn in attempts to impress him at the bar. he relishes in the fact that he won’t have to wrestle you out of this one, as he places his hands at your side. 

“like shit. i’m so sorry, sukuna.” 

“how bad, huh? gonna do something for me in return?” he asks. 

you're shocked at the fact that sukuna's not even mad. that he's trying to flirt even.

sukuna knows that he’s just goading you now. because he can see your eyes go wide and is almost positive that your mind has gone to somewhere sexual in nature. 

“y-yeah. sure.” you respond. 

“okay. sleep with me.” he states. 

you swallow hard, shaking your head of your nervousness, as you oblige. 

“right. well…take your pants off then.” you murmur, cheeks burning. 

sukuna laughs, as he quickly steps towards you, noticing that you’re stepping backwards so fast that you fall straight onto his bed. 

“who knew you were the type to sleep nude?” he asks. 

“what? i don’t sleep nude!” 

“then why are you asking me to take my pants off, pervert?” 

“you just told me to sleep with you!” you complain. 

sukuna crawls into the bed, before shoving his arm straight under your waist to pull you right on top of him. you’re propped up on your own hands, looking down at him from your vantage point of his chest, as he reaches forward and tucks your hair behind your ear. you absentmindedly reach forward, your thumb brushing past one of his dimples. 

“you're filthy. do you always have such lewd thoughts about me?” he coos. 

“i didn’t realize you meant sleep sleep.” you mumble, embarrassed. 

“for the hundredth time, i mean what i say. you have always been my pretty girl, because i find most other girls, including your horrendous sister, annoying. and when i say i want to sleep with you, i want you to sleep next to me.” 

“really? you think she’s annoying?” you ask. 

“absolute bitch. i’ll make you an itemized list of everything i hate tomorrow morning over breakfast for you. the first thing on that list is that she isn’t you.” he states. 

you lean down and press a kiss to his lips. sukuna notes that it's the first time you've ever initiated anything with him.

“you really know how to romance a girl.” you murmur, as you roll off of his chest and tuck yourself straight into his arms. 

“we’ll talk about the dinner tomorrow. go to bed, baby.” he murmurs, littering an indecent amount of kisses around your neck and shoulder as you drift off to sleep. 

Chapter 5: intimacy

sukuna wakes up three hours later to the bright light of your phone, and more distinctively, your right hand in his hair, brushing his pink locks away from his forehead. he blinks the sleep out of his eyes properly to find you sitting criss crossed within the sheets, hunched over on your phone, with your face scrunched up in frustration. 

he half considers not broaching why you’re awake at this hour just to ensure that your touch wouldn’t cease. that you’d continue tangling your fingers with his hair. 

“what’s your problem?” he asks. 

you retreat your hand from his hair, wincing as you mumble out your apology. sukuna muses that you were almost getting too predictable. 

“did i wake you up?” you ask. 

sukuna scoots closer to you on the bed, before lifting one of your legs to readjust himself. he’s settled himself right in between the softness of your thighs, before he reaches for your hand again and sets it back into his hair. 

you swallow commenting on how needy he is as you comb through the tresses of his hair, noting how he seems to soften into your legs the more pressure you apply. 

“what’s so important on your phone that you’re interrupting my sleep?” he mumbles. 

“sorry. was just texting megumi. i was supposed to call yuuji when he got home but it kind of slipped my mind.” you respond, before setting your phone down into the sheets and placing your other hand into his hair too. 

“something distracting you?” 

sukuna grins as he flips over, lifting his head to rest his chin against your stomach. he places a kiss to your clothed skin before giving you a sleepy smile. 

“clearly.” you respond. 

“he’s okay?” 

“yeah. i’ll talk to him tomorrow.” 

“nothing i could help him with i suppose. no one understands shitty older siblings like the two of you.” 

you tense underneath him, enough for him to wish he minced his words. sukuna knew that broaching any part of that, of something almost sacred between yuuji was something he couldn’t push you on. though it wasn’t hard to deduce - your horrid attempts at whispering in the kitchen weren’t lost to him. 

“hey. he loves you. it’s not like that.” 

“what was it he said? sitting all high and mighty?” 

you sigh, and enough for sukuna to properly open his eyes and sit up. 

“i’m joking.” he adds. 

sukuna can tell his words aren’t enough. it usually takes very little, a mix of sweet talking to settle you down, which makes him happier than he can admit. only because it indicates to him that his words can hold so much weight, especially to you. 

“i mean it. you guys are well past that. have been since you came back.” you murmur. 

sukuna knows that you’re right. that despite the fact that yuuji never talked to sukuna in the four years he was gone, despite his best efforts to reach out, their relationship was nearly repaired the second he made it back to tokyo. and it means more since the two of them getting along would mean something to you now. 

sukuna left when he was sixteen and made his best efforts not to regret it now. 

behind everyone’s backs, he had taken an early exit out of his required schooling and applied to a four year boarding school in europe. he had only dropped the news to everyone five days before he left, in efforts to not let the crippling sense of servitude he felt towards his family hold him back. 

“were you mad i left?” he murmurs, pushing up on his elbows, his breath tickling your neck. 

“no.” 

“did you miss me?” he asks. 

it’s a selfish question. sukuna knows that the answer should be no. that it is no. but he’ll pretend your honey sweet answer, laced with a lie, is true for the night. that you’ll tell him exactly what he wants to hear - that you thought of him constantly when you left.  

“i was sad you left without saying goodbye. but i was too busy worrying about my own sister and all that.” 

sukuna can tell the answer is honest. and it’s satiating enough to know that you had noted it, that you were hurt that he hadn’t given you more importance before he made his escape. that you wanted to be important to him. 

“is that why you haven’t told yuuji? that we’re dating? breaks some secret pact you both have?” 

you smile. 

“are we dating?” you whisper. 

sukuna lightly pushes you over, before leaning on top of you and nuzzling his face into your arms. his legs are tangled to the side, his pressure soothing on your chest. 

“are you seeing other guys i don’t know about?” he asks. 

“of course.” you joke. 

sukuna brings his hand down on your neck, his one hand sliding around the length of your neck. he squeezes slightly and you feign choking before he rolls his eyes. 

“shut up, brat.” 

“well. you never asked. you can’t just decide we’re dating.” you state.

“i won’t ask.” he mumbles. 

“ask.” you prod.

“no.” 

“ask me!” 

“i already decided we were dating a long time ago. catch up.” 

you figure that if sukuna can test you, push your buttons to get what he wants, so can you. and you imagine that it’ll be infinitely easier, that it’ll take less work from you when he’s barely awake. you bring your hands around his cheeks, before pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

“please?” you whisper. 

sukuna groans. 

“be my girlfriend.” he states. 

“that’s not asking.” 

“y/n.” 

“c’mon.” you prod. 

he glares at you. 

“be. my girlfriend.” he repeats, more sternly. 

“cute. but no.” you respond. 

sukuna glares for three seconds and you cave. 

“sorry! i’m sorry. fine. i was just messing with you so i’d feel better.” you respond, to which he releases his gaze. 

he pauses. 

“do you need to feel better?”

“hm?” 

if you’re upset, that’s certainly one thing he can fix. 

“do you need me to make you feel good?” he asks. 

it’s something that’s been on your mind, more frequently than not. and it lingers for too long, that feeling that you’re denying him something, that there’s something he’s waiting for that you haven’t yet delivered. 

yuuji talks. so does megumi. and the two years of highschool that you got with sukuna were enough. 

sukuna was always an overachiever, as he so poignantly coined it. he was smart. smart enough to graduate early even, to get into an exchange program and get out of the suburbs. he was athletic, his attitude towards teachers was viewed as charming rather than plucky, and obviously he wasn’t short of being attractive, of having girls interested in him. 

you distinctly remember his first school dance when you were a eighth grader. or more importantly, that sukuna was dressed up in a tux, having his tie fixed by his mom while you and yuuji quietly watched him attend the senior prom. as a sophomore. 

yuuji mentioned that sukuna always seemed to be sleeping around, something corroborated by the fact that he was almost always talking to a different girl almost every time you saw him. megumi thought he was trashy even. 

but here he was, being patient, being painstakingly patient, that it only felt right. that you had to reward him for it. 

“okay. sure.” 

sukuna’s fully awake now, his eyes meeting yours as you feel a shiver go down your spine. 

“are you okay with this?” 

“yeah. yeah, i am.” 

“and you’ll tell me to stop if you stop being okay with it?” he states. 

you give him a nod, slightly embarrassed that it was something he had to confirm. like he knew you were going to chicken out of it. 

“i need to hear you say it.” he whispers. 

“i will.” you mumble. 

you’re almost positive that sukuna doesn’t do this with every other girl he’s been with - something confirmed in your mind by the fact that sukuna’s so gentle, his touch is so perfect, that you feel you’re never going to be able to let go of him. and can’t imagine that other people have let him slip out of his grasp. 

it’s not too different from the other times sukuna’s touched you - something he tends to always be doing. he’s more affectionate than you expected, for someone who was so reserved, so stern in almost every memory you have of him. 

but he uses endearments, pet names almost every time he talks to you - currently whispering words that make your entire body heat up, almost more than his hands on you. 

“my pretty baby’s so wound up. let me fix that for you, hm?” 

his words were almost enough to make your entire body heat up more than his hands. key word, almost. but there was something about his touch, so soft, firm in different places that it made you nearly limp in his arms. 

his hands were in your hair, on your legs just to pull you closer to him, resting on your cheeks when he kissed you. your predictions suggested to you that sukuna would have bored out, tired from just kissing you when you had given him full permission for the first time, but he wouldn’t let up, making it a point to kiss every patch of skin he could.  

it’s only then that it occurs to you that you haven’t touched him. you lift your hands, before freezing them in the air, unable to do it. but the shifting is enough to make sukuna stop. 

“you still okay?” 

“yeah. yeah, i was just-” you respond, catching your breath as he smiles. 

“your hands were up. you can push me off if it gets to be too much.” he whispers, pulling back. 

“no. no, i was…i was going to touch you. just got shy for a second…” 

sukuna grins at you, before leaning his forehead against yours. he tries his best to ground himself in the moment, realizing he was going too fast, getting too carried away too quickly. 

he can smell the remnants of your shampoo in your hair, focusing in on it, before he settles both of his hands into the crooks of each of your elbows. 

“you can touch me.” he murmurs. 

“okay. you-you’ll stop me right? if you feel weird?” you ask. 

sukuna laughs. 

“i can’t imagine i’d ever do that, but yes. i will stop you.” 

you give him a satisfied nod, as you reach forward and scoot into his lap. his hands instinctively reach for your waist, holding you steady, as you inspect his tattoos in the dim light of the dark. 

you reach forward and trace your fingers all the way down. you had only seen them peeking out from the collar of his shirt here and there, but this was your chance to look at them properly. 

“did you get these all at the same time?” you ask. 

“no. most of them are from when i was gone. this one right here-” 

he guides your hand to the left side of your chest, placing your palm flat against his beating heart before letting go. 

“-was right when i came back.” 

“s’pretty. you’re pretty.” you mumble. 

you instinctively squeeze, before the two of you quietly laugh. 

“did you just cop a feel?” sukuna asks. 

“maybe. seemed squishy.” 

“and was it?” 

“no. it was really underwhelming.” you respond, earning another laugh from him. 

it’s almost too gratifying, the smaller things - making him laugh, seeing him smile. it was so rare to see it before and the fact that he does it for you, does it so freely, is enough to make your stomach fill with an embarrassing amount of warmth. 

“your turn?” he asks, voice so low you can barely hear it. 

you nod, that biting wave of anxiety instantly hitting you when sukuna’s hands slither under your tank top. his lips find their way back to yours, his breath heavy on your face as you try to swallow it down and let him keep going. 

sukuna makes every effort to drag this on for as long as he can, for multiple reasons. so that your standards were never lowered, so that you’d never settle for callous hands and shitty guys in bars - not that he’d ever think you’d talk to anyone but him ever again. that he’d let anyone else see you like this. 

sukuna felt like he was slowly figuring you out like you were the back of his hand. you always seemed to be withholding something, almost like it was a wall right there with him in the room, but that let him in when he knocked. and right now, he had every intent to make you feel good. to reward you for trusting him. to savor you. 

he notices the trembling when he brings his hands up to your chest, when he lets them linger for too long. it’s so slight, almost in par with your breathing, but he notices it and immediately pulls back. 

“are you still okay?” he asks. 

the hesitation in your response is enough of an answer for him. he swallows down the dry patch in his throat - nearly cursing himself for going too far, too fast with you exactly where he knew you were reserved - before he brings his hands up to your cheeks, trying to get you to meet his eyes. 

“what can i do?” he whispers. 

“i’m so sorry. i didn’t mean to, it was-” 

“tell me how to make it better. what do you need right now?” 

it’s almost embarrassing to ask for it. to make him overextend, to attend to you when you were the one who ruined the moment. and it felt increasingly stupid for you to push your own boundaries too, that you were going to scare him off now. 

“please.” he whisper. 

you look up to find his brown eyes, washed over in concern, as he cups the left side of your face. it’s enough to push you. 

“do you have a shirt i can wear? this just feels too…”

“yes. do you need a long sleeve or-” 

“short is okay.” 

“do you need me to wear one too?” he asks. 

you sigh. 

“could you? i just feel…” 

before you can even finish your sentence, sukuna’s pushed himself off the bed and rummages quickly through his closet before he returns. he snags his own shirt over his neck before sitting back down on the bed in front of you, his voice soft. 

“arms up, pretty girl.” 

you oblige, as sukuna pulls the shirt over you, his hands shaking as he dutifully attends to you. he’s pulling the sleeves down to your elbows, the fabric drowning every inch of your body as he readjusts it. 

the two of you sit in silence, your hand curled into his as you try to muster out the best words to say. to selfishly, keep him around you. 

“i’m not very good at this intimacy type of thing. i-i’m not sure if you’ve noticed.” 

some part of your guard is down. the curious part of him wants to push, to crawl all the way in and never leave. but he makes his best efforts. to remain persistent in letting you make the calls here. 

“explain.” 

“i just mean. you always kiss me first. and-and you kiss me a lot. i really like it, but sometimes i think it’s weird if i initiate it first. like-like it’ll keep going.” 

“i’ll always kiss you back, if that’s what you mean…” 

“no. no, it’s…it’s kind of embarrassing to admit. like logically, i know it won’t happen. but you’re a guy. you…you have lots of experience and you obviously like to do things like this. a lot of people do. it-it’s normal. but sometimes i feel, in the moment, like i’m not ready to do all of that yet. to go farther…” 

sukuna understands. he pulls his hand under your chin, using the knuckles of his pointer finger to guide your line of vision back to him. 

“you call the shots. always.” 

“i know.” 

“i don’t expect anything from you. if you just want to kiss me, i am more than happy to just kiss you, y/n.” he whispers. 

you can feel the tears in your eyes at sukuna’s tone. and the way his face falls at the sight of your tears is enough to make you fully cry. 

“princess. who’s got you thinking like this?” he murmurs. 

sukuna’s not one for words. though it seems he seems to always have the ones that fit just right. his thumbs are brushing away the wetness on your cheek, before he leans down and presses a kiss to your nose. 

“you know that i’m more experienced than you. so will you give weight to my words when i say them?” 

“okay.” 

“intimacy can mean lots of things. having sex is intimacy, sure. that’s a no brainer. but…there’s so much more to it. i can promise you, you aren’t bad at being intimate with me.” 

“really?” 

it’s the fact that it's three in the morning. that’s what sukuna will pin it on tomorrow. why he feels the need, why it feels so easy to talk so freely with you. that and the fact that he feels the need to lick each and every one of your wounds, to smooth over the rough patches. 

“i felt close to you at the dinner last night. when you were holding my hand under the table. you squeezed really hard when your mom was hurting your feelings, almost like you were trying to tell you that it made you upset…that’s intimacy to me.”

“are you trying to butter me up? don’t make stuff up.” you jokingly respond, earning a wide smile from him. 

“you were relying on me. telling me something. that’s intimate.” 

he reaches forward, pulling the hair out of the collar of the shirt before tucking it behind your ears. 

“i know that’s hard for you to do. i appreciate it when you can do that, when you trust me.” 

you swallow hard, before putting your hand back where it was resting before, over the beating of his heart. 

“i trust you. just…give me time to figure out the words?” 

“it’s not a race. i’m not planning on going anywhere.” 

"promise?" you ask, holding out your pinkie to him.

you watch his eye twitch.

"i'm not going to do a fucking pinkie promise."

the two of you laugh and it's enough to make your cheeks hurt.

it’s solidified one thing in your mind. that look in his eyes, the way he tucks you into him before his stupid teasing voice lulls you to sleep. 

that you have to tell yuuji the first chance you get.

Chapter 6: secrets

sukuna watches you get ready. or more appropriately, watches you try to hide your panic as you busy yourself with getting ready.

he found it interesting - the little rituals that you had. it was almost like a rehearsed routine the way you rotated in the morning, one he had committed to memory. he watches you secure your hair back, your fingers massaging different serums and moisturizers into your skin.

but there’s an increased fervor today, in the way you meticulously prod at your own skin - rubbing hard on the slight blemishes on your skin, covering up the darkness under your eyes, and brushing your hair three times to perfection.

it’s borderline obsessive. he hovers over your shoulder, before pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

“don’t you think you’ve brushed your hair enough, doll? looks great.”

he watches as you run it through your hair again, muster a peachy smile for him. it doesn’t meet your eyes. sukuna starts to wonder when it was that he started getting so concerned about you, in the way that it almost never left the back of his mind.

“has to be even, sukuna. i brushed six times on the right so i have to do the same amount on the left.”

he pinches his lips together.

“seems closer to a hundred, princess. your hair is fine.” he murmurs.

sukuna watches as you give him a nod, brushing through your hair the last three times, before you swirl around in your chair and place your hands on his hips. if sukuna wasn’t so irked, he’d make a comment about the compromising position - the way you were looking up at him like you were on your knees.

you squish the bones in his fingers as he pulls you up, his demeanor increasingly reserved today. on any other day sukuna would have smothered you in fifty kisses by now - making some teasing comment about how he’d want to shower with you or make every attempt to kiss all the lip gloss off of your face.

you reach for sukuna’s tie, still loosely hanging around his neck as you eye the clock, and start knotting it together. you tighten it to his collar, pushing the buttons through their slits, as sukuna stares at you. it’s something you find him doing often, almost like he’s trying to discern your thoughts just from looking at your face.

“you okay, sukuna?” you hum.

“are you okay, y/n?”

“huh? why would you say that?”

“you said it first.” he counters.

“well, you haven’t kissed me yet today. it’s been an hour and-”

he cuts off the sentence by pressing his lips to yours, the coffee you made him still lingering on his lips. you smile into the kiss, pulling back to press a kiss to his cheek.

“didn’t realize i had to.” sukuna mumbles.

“are you stupid? that’s part of your boyfriend taxes.”

sukuna smiles, watching you tilt your head to the side and smile at him. he commits it to memory - the sweet look on your face.

“and what’s due, hm?” he asks.

“you’ve paid your fees.”

“you haven’t paid yours, pretty girl.”

you brush the fabric of his collared shirt on his shoulders, as you tuck the last of the folds in the place.

“you’re needy, you know that?”

“s’not what i meant. it’s part of your girlfriend taxes to tell me what’s bothering you.”

“just nervous to talk to yuuji, that’s all.”

sukuna would be lying if the pending approval wasn’t on his mind too. not only because he was positive that it would make you retreat from him, after he had been making every attempt to ease you into it over the past few weeks.

but the fact is that he’s always considered yuuji his savior. a silent gift sent to him, his first companion in life. it would be a sting to him if yuuji didn’t view him fit for someone special to him. that he’d think so little of him, or even worse, that yuuji could think that sukuna thought so little of you.

“you’ll come back here after?” he asks.

you nod.

“call if you need me.”

you and sukuna trek out of the apartment at the same time, both of your phones clutched in your hand as he locks up. his phone buzzes one and you flip the screen, ignoring the text from satoru and swiping away the notification to look at his lock screen properly.

it’s a picture of you and sukuna, one that you took as a joke on his phone. he’s barely in the picture - just the slightest tuft of his pink hair and one of his dimples. it’s of you - smiling brightly into the camera.

 

-

 

sukuna can parse that something is wrong when nobara’s voice is the one that comes through on yuuji’s phone. and when he parks outside the bar, his suspicions are confirmed when the four of you are already lingering out on the sidewalk in the cold, as opposed to the usual antics that he has to wrangle you out of.

it’s a strange sight. the first thing his eyes are drawn to are you, naturally, and he’s immediately irked by the sight of you sniffling, megumi wiping the tears from your eyes. his eyes gravitate to yuuji next, nobara yanking him down by the hair as she gives him an earful.

the smell warns him enough - that the group of you, except for megumi he presumes, have lost your inhibitions.

“yuuji. you had no right to say that to her.” nobara scolds.

“she said plenty to me too!” yuuji bites back.

sukuna makes his way over to the two of you on the pavement, ignoring the sting when your face droops even more at the sight of him. megumi’s hands are on your shoulders, rubbing circles into your back, as he quietly sits at your side.

“up. both of you” he demands.

megumi follows his instructions, holding up a hand for you, as you wipe away the wetness around your eyes and megumi opens the front door for you. you settle into the seat - embarrassment burning in your chest - as megumi crouches at the side of the door, poking his head into the car to talk.

“he doesn’t mean it. weirdly enough, this is his way of being overprotective of you.”

you scoff, before turning to megumi. sukuna lingers by the door, watching as yuuji can barely hold his own against nobara, and attempts to catch the end of your words.

“sure, megs. i’m fine.”

megumi places a hand on sukuna’s shoulder as he stands up, reaching for yuuji and nobara as sukuna switches and takes his spot. it’s a quick glance over his shoulder - yuuji entirely preoccupied - as he leans his lips close to your ear. he notices you nearly flinch at the closeness but makes no comment about it.

“need anything, pretty girl?” he whispers.

“i want you to take me home after you settle them in. i want to be alone.” you mutter.

sukuna squeezes your hand, a silent response, as megumi shuffles the two of them in the car and he releases your hand just as fast. nobara gives you a smile, albeit half hearted - having spent a better part of the last hour in your defense - as megumi takes to scolding yuuji in his ear.

sukuna gives you one last look before he shifts the gear and heads home.

 

-

 

sukuna’s able to wrangle the three of them faster than usual and when he returns you’re crying softly in his passenger seat, his stray hoodie strewn over your shoulders.

“home?” he asks.

sukuna takes your non-committal nod as a yes, ignores the sting for a second time when you refuse to hold his hand, and drives slowly on the quiet streets. there’s a light sheen on the roads, the street lights reflecting in the puddles and shining a red light on your face.

you can tell that sukuna’s making his best attempts to be quiet as he drops you home. he’s quick to attend to anything - not letting you open the door or take off your coat or even tuck your hair behind your ear of from your own hands.

and sukuna almost does it. he almost makes it through without interjecting. but when he watches you rub your skin a little too hard with the moisturizer, so hard that it starts turning pink, he reaches for your hands and has to stop you.

he can’t watch you rub your skin raw just because you’re frustrated.

“here. let me.” you whisper.

“but you don’t–”

“i know the order, pretty girl. i’ve watched you do it enough times.”

he watches your weary eyes as you place the next bottle in his hands, pouring the cold liquid onto his fingertips. he taps the counter with the back of his hand and you obediently jump up, the two of you face level as he takes residence in between your legs.

the mere act eases the tension for sukuna - the fact that you hadn’t dismissed him yet, that you were letting him massage the serums into your skin was an olive branch enough. whatever yuuji had said hadn’t scared you off yet - and he’ll take his win where he can get it.

“need to talk?” he asks.

you look up at him, at the focused look in his eyes, accompanied by the soft pressure of his fingertips. he squishes your cheek, before leaning down to press a kiss to the crown of your head, and you instinctively pinch your eyes shut. it makes that angry, stinging feeling in your chest twist into that sinking feeling that makes you want to cower in the darkest corner of your closet.

“how many girls have you been with?” you ask.

“in what sense?”

“all of them.”

“i’ve dated two girls, not including you. one was in highschool, a girl named kisa. the other one was when i was in europe.”

“why’d you break up with them? or them with you?”

“no, it was me. both times. kisa, because i was leaving. the girl in europe because i got bored.”

he watches your eye twitch, as he continues.

“i’ve had sex with both of them. besides that, there’s six other girls that i’ve had sex with. talked to loads more, here and there, on and off.”

“what were they like?” you ask.

“meaning?”

“like…occupation wise. or-or personality. looks.”

sukuna furrows his eyebrows.

“can’t remember much to be honest? kisa and i dated in highschool, i think she said she wanted to be something stupid like an influencer. and the other, she was in vet school. they didn’t look similar. i don’t have a type if that’s what you’re trying to discern. and if i did have one, it would be you.”

you nod.

“okay.”

“i feel the need to clarify that it was never like this with anyone else.”

“well, why do you feel the need to clarify that?”

there’s something laced in your words - either hurt or animosity - but he can’t place which one it is.

“because you’re my girlfriend? i can tell that intimacy is important to you, that what i’ve done can raise questions and-”

“are you trying to infantilize me? i know you’re older and more experienced than me but that gives you no right. i’m not a little girl.”

animosity. it was definitely animosity.

sukuna reaches for your hands, pressing your knuckles against his lips as he mumbles.

“i know you’re a big girl now.”

you glare at him. his joke doesn’t land well.

“don’t taunt me, sukuna.”

“i know you’re not a little girl. and i know you’re smart enough to not equate maturity with intimacy. it’s a good thing that intimacy is important to you – that you want to take it slow. it’s important to me when it comes to you too.”

you sigh, scrunching your eyes shut as you lean forward and rest your forehead against his chest. you can feel your head pulsating - his words, yuuji’s words, your own mixing enough to give you a tension headache. he’s quick with it, his hands in your hair as he pulls you closer, resting his chin against the top of your head.

“what did yuuji say?”

you swallow hard.

“i was trying to bring it up, nonchalantly. i…i said that you and i had been hanging out. and yuuji was like yeah, that’s fine and all just don’t go dating sukuna or something.”

you watch sukuna’s eye twitch. but his immediate thought is pleased – that you’re still standing here telling him.

“i asked why. and he brought up mazzy. said that i should be careful, not jump into things so fast since i wasn’t over it yet.”

mazzy. sukuna commits the name to memory, another piece he stows away to put together his puzzle.

“and-and i said that i had learned my lesson. i am over it. i-i’m smart enough to know my boundaries now, you of all people know that.” you whisper.

sukuna offers you a smile.

“that’s right.” he affirms.

“he asked me why i was interested in you. then i got kind of defensive and said i wasn’t, that i was just suggesting it. i asked him – why was he so opposed to the idea? is it so crazy to think that you would like me? and he said…”

you swallow hard.

“he said why would you? why would you like me when i’m the way that i am?”

“he said that?” he seethes.

“not the second part. but the way he said it. why would sukuna like you, y/n? i understood it all the same. i know you’re great and all, sukuna, but is it really that ridiculous to everyone that you would be interested in me? what’s so wrong with me that everyone feels the need to question it? he said that–”

sukuna waits for the end of your sentence but it doesn’t come – just another bout of your tears.

he tilts your face up, before pressing a lingering kiss to your lips. it’s wet, your tears brushing against the bridge of his nose and his cheeks as he nearly breathes fully into the kiss. and every time you try to pull away, he’s following you just as fast, refusing to let go. each one stings in your core.

“do you ever think you’re settling for me?” you ask.

“you wouldn’t believe what i think.”

“tell.”

sukuna shakes his head, almost like he’s embarrassed. you muster a halfhearted smile, poking the softness of his pecs as he rolls his eyes.

“y/n.” he warns.

“just…so squishy. like a stress ball.” you whisper.

“i’ll pretend like you didn’t just objectify me for your sake.”

“personification and objectification are different. and since you’re humbling yourself to date me, i might as well enjoy it.” you deadpan.

sukuna tries to temper the anger that flares through him. that you think so little of yourself. that you think so big of him – in the same vein as his parents. his isolating thought that you viewed him differently shatters. it’s aggravating.

“i’m joking. but i just mean that – we’re really different. and yuuji –”

“i don’t give a fuck what he thinks. do you?”

you sigh.

“i want you. do you think i’m not prepared to deal with what that means? that i don’t notice the things you do?”

sukuna watches your eyes go wide.

“you tend to get a little obsessive, princess. and you feel insecure more often than not. you’re far more chatty, more quick to joke when you’re emailing me rather than standing in front of my face, just because you can’t see my reaction – or more appropriately, can’t overthink my reaction – if you don’t see it. you can’t bring yourself to fully accept the fact that i like you, that i’m very very fond of you, because you think too little of yourself. you don’t tell me much – but s’okay. i’m able to figure most of it out.”

sukuna’s ability to read you to filth is enough to make your blood boil.

“other peoples’ words mean too much to you. wish you’d give mine more importance when i say there’s nothing wrong with you. s’not a problem that you and i have things to work through. you don’t have to meet any previous standards i have – any girls i’ve talked to – because you already don’t compare to them. they’d be in your spot if they did.”

it’s enough to make your heart ache.

“i can parse that me being more experienced than you bothers you. i have no intention of holding it over your head, nor does it make me feel any less attracted to you. you’re all things - intelligent, brilliant, beautiful. i have every intention to basically worship you when i get the chance – and that would stand if you were experienced or not.”

sukuna watches you shiver, the gravel of his voice making the goosebumps prickle on your arms.

“how can i be settling when you’re far too good for me? when you have such a hold on me?”

“sukuna –”

his lips hover by your ear, warm breath tickling down your spine as he murmurs. sukuna’s combined defense of whispering sweet nothings and sending sparks all over your body was never something you can win against. he leans his forehead against yours, his eyes fluttered shut.

“ i know my brother means the world to you – that what he thinks is important – but can you make space for me too? i don’t want to compete with him for your affections or your loyalty, especially when he has no right to make that call anyways. or make you feel uncomfortable in your own happiness – if that’s what this is.”

you cup sukuna’s face with your hand.

“that is what this is.” you murmur.

sukuna presses a kiss to the palm of your hand.

“you make me really happy. i hate that i need so much support sometimes but last time, i just –”

you swallow hard.

“i get in my head a lot. i’m trying not to but it’s hard sometimes. but i like you too much. i’m not just going to give you up like that. you don’t get off so easy.”

sukuna smiles.

“ah. there’s my beautiful princess with a disorder.”

you cross your arms across your chest.

“it’s a joke, dollface. we both know you’re not royalty.”

“asshole!”

sukuna snags the headband out of your hair, before following you out to your bed.

“what do you want to do about yuuji?”

“well, what do you want to do? he’s your brother.”

“and he’s your best friend. you care what he thinks far more than i do. nothing’s going to keep me from you.”

you sigh.

“we’ll keep it a secret. tell him again when – when it’s more solid. not that it isn’t but –”

he doesn’t question it.

“when it’s more solid.” he affirms.

 

Chapter 7: heart to heart

sukuna realizes that he’s falling in love with you on the anniversary of his grandfather's death. it’s rather morbid, but he deems that it’s fitting. 

the more that he lingered on it, the more he realized it. that family – good and bad – was always going to hum in the background to the two of you. though he supposes that’s just because you grew up together, that somehow you were intertwined in all of each other’s firsts. 

first day of school, first basketball game, first funeral. 

the day itself isn’t one that sukuna likes to dwell on – a memory colored dark, pushed so hard into the deepest, darkest spots of his mind, that sometimes he only realizes the day has passed a week after the fact. regardless, whenever the realization comes to a head – on time or not – the regret is so suffocating he can barely breathe. 

it’s why he makes every effort to avoid you when the day comes to pass. it’s something that he does with everyone – ignore them like he has the plague. but it’s a little bit different when it comes to you. it’s not personal, he muses, but at the same time, it most definitely is. 

you’re central to the memory. 

sukuna’s sitting up, an idle text being sent to both yuuji and his mom, when the knock on the door comes. and he can feel pressure increase in his throat at the sight of you – his brain feeling heavy, this time in a different way – as you balance two mugs in your hand. 

if it was any other day, sukuna would have found it very difficult to contain himself. the messy bedhead, glasses perched on the edge of your nose, and the fact that you’re drowning in one of his dress shirts. 

sometimes he wondered if you did it on purpose. tried to rile him up just to see how he would react. though on second thought, he almost knows for a fact that you hardly understood what exactly it was that you did to him. how you made his skin feel like it was on fire. 

you sit across from him, setting both of the mugs down on the nightstand, before you press your fingertips to his collarbone and push him back on the headboard to use his body as a pillow. you can hear a scoff before sukuna’s hands tangle around your waist, his fingertips ghosting the waistband of what he recognizes as his boxer briefs. 

“you know, part of your whole freeloading in my apartment agreement was that you’d steal my shirts. not my underwear too.” 

you poke his chest. 

“freeloading? need i remind you, that you basically beg me not to leave each time i’m here. and i’m sorry. i spilled the first batch of hot chocolate i made all over my pajamas and my spares are in the laundry.” you state. 

hot chocolate. 

sukuna knows for sure that you must be doing that on purpose. and that maybe you watch him as keenly as he watches you, because you catch on to his discomfort just as fast. 

“i’m sorry if it’s too much.” you whisper. 

you watch his adam’s apple bob in his chest, as he leans his head back against the headboard and shuts his eyes. you trace little stars into his skin, right under the tattooed flesh as you try to talk, as softly as possible. 

like he’ll run off if you push too hard. 

“sukuna. i-i know that this day can be hard. but we can do whatever you want today.” 

“i have work.” he states. 

“no, you don’t. satoru told me you took the day off already. that you always take it off. and suguru asked me to take care of you.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. idiots. 

“what about yuuji? knowing you two, you’ve probably got some whole orate tradition you do. probably use my headshot as a dartboard.” 

“it’s actually your yearbook photo.” you defend. 

sukuna smiles. 

“megumi and nobara have got him covered. i’m here for you.” you state. 

sukuna looks down at you, before quickly looking away. he can’t stand your eyes. 

“s’just another day, y/n. if anything, you should get the fuck out of my house. make sure my sensitive brother is fine.” 

sukuna watches your eye twitch. he feels bad, but swallows it down. 

you lift your hands up to cup the sides of his cheek, lightly rubbing your thumbs under his eyes until they open. his light brown eyes flicker to yours and the message comes off just as he intends it. 

don’t. 

sukuna should have known you’d be stubborn about it. 

“sukuna. s’not really fair if we have a power dynamic.” 

“i’m two years older than you. you are well of age.” he deadpans. 

“i mean. when i tell you about what’s on my mind – insecurities or-or my fights with yuuji or even mazzy – it’s not just spilling out of me because you’re my boyfriend. like i’m so emotional that i rant about my problems to everyone. it’s actually more natural for me to put it away. and i purposely don’t for you.” 

sukuna’s intrigued. 

“i’m trying to do this right. like, not withhold things from you because i know that you would hate that. the same way that i would hate it, if that’s what you were going to do with me.” you respond. 

you rest your cheek against his collarbone, before bending down to press a kiss into his skin. 

“s’not a nice feeling. the conversations we have make me feel like i’m standing naked in front of a classroom on display sometimes. but it’s –” you start. 

“that sounds like an ideal situation to me.” 

you pinch his bicep. 

“i mean. it’s not always easy to feel so bare. but i know it’s the right thing to do. and you kind of have to let me in too. i know it might not seem like that to you, because you fell into the caretaker role so quickly with me, but – i’m usually the one who does that type of thing, with everyone else. and i’m not half bad at it.” 

sukuna watched you take care of yuuji his whole life. in the moments that sukuna wasn’t there, he knows that you were the one sitting at his side. especially when he took off so fast like he did.

it’s partly the reason that he was able to do it. because he knew that yuuji would be taken care of – and well, too. but it almost feels wrong, too immature of him to go to you with his problems. 

how are you ever supposed to come to him again? 

“c’mon, baby. anything you want today. we can go back home and eat at the diner. or go to his grave. stay in the entire weekend…” you hum. 

it’s the first time that sukuna’s ever heard you use a term of endearment on him. he was never short of them, a constant cycle of his favorites – pretty girl, doll face, angel. it almost seemed wrong to call you by your name at this point, not when he could so openly express his affections and watch you smile at the fact. 

but sukuna likes it more than he wants to. being called baby. he never wants you to say anything else again. 

he always thought it was a little stupid, an infantile or immature nickname when he watched satoru call suguru as such. especially the way satoru always seemed to beam whenever he did it. he’ll be sure to swallow his retorts the next time. 

“i want to go to the sushi place. back home.” he states. 

you scoff. 

“oh my god. i went on my first date there. got felt up near that fountain.” you respond, scrunching up your nose. 

“i got a handjob near that fountain.” sukuna states. 

“ew. don’t tell me you….in the fountain?” 

he only grins in response. 

“ew, sukuna! you’re such a dog.” 

“i’ll have mai bring me a nice dress. we’ll go the whole ten miles on a fancy date, like everyone from high school. if you’re lucky, i might even let you touch my butt.” 

“could i be so lucky?” he asks. 

you pinch the side of his cheek. his response is pressing a kiss to your knuckles. 

“do you have a pink dress?” he asks. 

“sure do. i’ll have her bring that one, okay?” 

--

sukuna drives you to the sushi restaurant. the ride into town is quiet. you’d almost think that sukuna was mad at you for pushing, but his warm hand resting on your thigh silences almost all the qualms in your head. 

when you make it there, the mere fact of being there with sukuna leaves you with an odd thought. that if things were different beforehand, you would have been fifteen standing there with him, instead of leaving the restaurant feeling oddly dissatisfied from a guy who really wanted nothing to do with you instead.

“sukuna. party of two.” 

“it’ll just be five minutes.” 

sukuna gives a kurt nod before dragging you to the other side to lean against the wall, his hand warm on your waist. you pick your brain at the best thing to say – his uncharacteristic silence brimming you with anxiety and making you particularly hyper-vigilant in choosing the right thing to say to him. 

"you're beautiful, you know that?" he whispers.

you fight the urge to smile so hard.

"thank you, sukuna. you're beautiful too."

he glares at you.

"you're shitty."

you smirk, before pinching the side of his cheek. of course that was his reaction.

"you're such a cutie pie little baby sometimes I just wanna-" you coo.

"shut the fuck up before I make you." he responds.

"ooh. so scary!"

“i came here for the first time with my grandpa. i'll even tell you about it if you stop being a little bitch for a second.” 

you stop.

“yes, sir. ” you respond, saluting. 

sukuna smiles in response and it makes your heart skip a beat. that and the fact that you swear you've never seen his eyes so soft.

“so basically –” sukuna starts 

“sukuna, y/n? is that you?” 

you look over to your left to find one of your old neighbors – so old that you can barely even remember his name – standing at your sides, excitedly waving at the two of you. 

“god, it’s been years! you two are so grown now.” 

“mr. soma.” sukuna responds.

you find yourself grinning ear to ear at the fact that one, sukuna’s tone is entirely displeased. and two, that there’s no pleasantry laced in with his words. 

“y/n. how is your dad? i haven’t seen him around in a while.” 

the taste in your mouth is metallic. 

“couldn’t tell you! i haven’t seen him either.” you state. 

his face pinches up, the pitiful expression that follows causing a subsequent clenching of your jaw. 

“sukuna. how’s your father?” 

“still a dick.” he states. 

you smile. the way he seems to flinch at the bluntness, at sukuna’s demeanor, is solace enough for the double dose of shitty dad comments. he gives you both a polite smile before skirting off, after an awkward round of small talk. university, work, yuuji and sammy and he's off.

you turn to sukuna, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“you okay?” 

“obviously. a dumbass with a shitty attitude won’t ruin my mood when i’m here with you. are you?” 

“me too.” 

sukuna smirks at you. 

“really? you're not internalizing every awkward experience that happens to you? have i entered a parallel universe today?” 

“i’m a mystery, idiot. you can spend forever trying to figure me out.” 

“planning on it.” he responds. 

sukuna splits all his sushi with you. if you like a certain plate, he almost refuses to touch it afterwards, just to let you finish all the pieces. and after you say you’re too full, he’s does the job for you – only because you say that you feel bad leaving it to waste when they took the time to make it.

it’s strawberry ice cream afterwards and he makes it very clear that it's only because it’s your favorite. you swing by the store when you get back into the city and eat straight from the tub on the kitchen island.

and over your shared spoon of dessert, sukuna’s voice is almost so quiet you can barely hear it. you think that the ice cold sensation curbs any warm anxiousness that would stop him normally from talking – and you thank your cravings for it.

“my grandpa was the first person who took care of me.” 

you press your cheek to his shoulder in response, rubbing circles into his palm as he talks. 

“I know it's a natural thing. that when you have a younger sibling, that it takes the attention away from you. i know logically that i had that attention, that i required it when i was a baby too.” 

"but?"

"but yuuji's so fucking likeable. i love the idiot and it feels like shit to admit, but i fucking hated that everyone almost forgot about me just because of him."

you pause.

“it’s hard not to like you too.” you state. 

“but you know what i mean. i liked taking care of him, until i didn't. he got older and...and sometimes it felt like he didn't even fucking care about half the things i did for him. at one point, i got sick of watching everyone fawn over him so much that it made me upset. i told my mom but...you know how she can be. didn't really register for her. ” 

you hum in response. 

“my grandpa must have noticed that i had a little bit of resentment towards him, especially when i was in eighth grade. started getting in fights and acting out and all that. and he brought me here. and-and i was pissed at him that i just started fucking yelling at him. about how he didn’t care about me and how i felt unwanted and under-appreciated and…and he agreed with me.” 

he pauses, bringing one of his hands up to your hair. 

“i like feeling appreciated. valued enough that someone will listen to me and actually believe it. that he wanted to be around me too.” he states.

you pause, your heart clenching so hard in your chest. your stomach nearly drops at the sentiment, at the memory that you can feel tears in your eyes. you’re murderous hatred for sukuna and yuuji’s dad only grows tenfold with every consecutive day – but feels particularly potent now. 

you immediately tilt your head up, in efforts to curb yourself from crying – when you’re the one who should be strong for him right now. he, of course, notices right away. 

“eh? what’s wrong with you?” 

“allergies.” 

“did you miraculously get stung by a bee in the past few seconds while we were sitting here?” 

you scoff. 

“you’re so obsessed with me. you even memorized my medical history!” 

“that was in no way romantic. god forbid i know a basic fact about you so you don’t like, literally die on me. now tell me what it is. you basically have to because my grandpa is dead, you know?” 

“are you really playing the dead grandpa card?” 

“the fact that you called it that was fucking offensive. now you have to tell me.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“i was just thinking about that day. it makes my heart break that you lost someone who made you feel understood. that you felt alone, even though we were all right there. i hope you know that i find it hard to drag myself away from you sometimes. you're like the only place i want to be." you murmur. 

the year before sukuna left, he got into fights often. you remember it vividly – the fact that his mom always seemed to be at your house crying to your mom, while you and yuuji lingered by the doorway for too long listening when you shouldn’t have. 

and he’d shuffle in hours later, a purple eye or bloodied knuckles – a wall of silence with zero explanation. 

but the worst part is that the one time he got in serious trouble, enough to constitute needing to be picked up from the police station, was cosmically the worst possible day it could have happened. 

because sukuna’s grandfather was already dead when you guys got the call. you had all been phoning him for hours and unbeknownst to you, the reason he didn’t pick up is because his phone had gotten taken away. and his mom, yuuji – they were so struck in their own grief that your mom had taken you and sammy with her to go get him. 

and now when you think of it – the thought of him sitting there all alone when you found him, the fact that he was sitting there feeling misunderstood made you cry. it was enough to know that you had all unleashed horrible news on him, but even worse to know you were the one to rip his grandfather away from his life. 

“i remember that you were the one who told me.” he states. 

you nod, affirming his memory. 

“you…you were all quiet. was kind of expecting your mom to give me an earful, about being responsible for my mom and yuuji. but she was just quiet. sammy didn’t even look at me. and when i saw you, you were crying. came up right by my side and apologized. you were the first person to give me condolences. made me hot chocolate when you got home because you didn’t know what else to do.” he states. 

“yeah. i wish i was more composed or…or could have at least said something better to you. and i still kind of suck with words but i…i hope this helps? at least a little?” you mumble. 

sukuna leans forward, curbing any follow-up sentiment you could have had with his lips. you can still taste the strawberry. you murmur against his lips – him pulling you back in every time you try to pull away. 

“did you kiss me to shut me up?” you ask. 

“do you want a cookie for figuring that one out, genius?” he responds. 

you lightly push his chest. 

“you’re such a dickhead! let me do the whole supportive, caring girlfriend thing. i can’t just leave you hanging, you know.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes.

“doll face.” he deadpans. 

you glare at him. 

“you are perfect.” 

you’re caught off guard. 

“i’ve never told anyone any of that before. never even met someone i’ve wanted to tell. quit fucking worrying yourself over whether or not it was good or bad. i’m half convinced that you could be my remedy to anything.” 

you can feel the heat rushing to your cheeks at the praise. you bundle the fabric of his collar in your shirt before you pull him forward, pressing your lips to his as softly as you can. 

“someone feeling bold today?” he murmurs against your lips. 

his hand is warm on your face, cupping the side of your cheek. and when you lean forward, the warmth that surges through you is so deep that you think you might have kissed sukuna too hard. because now you’ve backed him up against the wall, your fingers quickly rushing down the buttons of his shirt. 

sukuna’s quick to stop you. hands warm on your wrists and brown eyes widened. 

“what are you doing?” he whispers. 

“oh. oh, i don’t know. it…it just kinda came over me. sorry. just like..felt super close to you there for a second and i felt it like…rumbling in my chest.” 

sukuna’s brings his forehead against yours. his eyes are pinched shut, almost straining, his breaths quiet. 

“i want to do something. but you have to tell me if it’s going to make you feel uncomfortable.” you ask.

“okay.” sukuna responds.

“don’t even think about fucking lying to me. i’ll know.” 

"yeah right."

“i mean it.” you grates. 

“just tell me.” he responds.

“okay, but-” 

“y/n l/n.” 

you pause. 

“can you take a bath with me?” 

he pulls back. 

“what?”  

“a bath. suguru gifted us these bath salt and stuff. he said it was a gift for you. told me you like that kind of thing.” 

“he's always gifting some weird therapy shit to me.” he states.

"therapeutic." you correct.

“one day i’m going to curb your fucking attitude and you’re not going to like it one bit.” 

you smile. 

“i hate you. i’ll take my bath on my own then.” you respond.

he yanks hard on his arm. 

“okay. if it's uncomfortable, we get out.” 

you nod. you get in first, quickly leaing against the wall and hiding under the warm bubbles, as he follows suit. weirdly enough, sukuna's first instinct is to go to the other side, the farthest from you, but you stop by pulling on his wrist.

"c'mhere. just lean against me." you murmur.

it’s a little bit awkward at first. because sukuna's the one wound up instead of you.

“can you relax for me?” you whisper.

“right. sorry.” 

he leans back, your skin prickling, as he settles his head against your chest. he's looking up at you, his eyes fixed on yours, but you can’t help but stare at his skin - freckles and moles that you’ve never had the opportunity to notice sparkling his skin. 

“thank you.” he whispers. 

“for?” 

he scoffs.

“y/n.” he chides. 

“use your big boy words!” you coo.

“shut the fuck up.” 

“c’mon. you've got it in you.” 

“you know what i want to say.” 

“of course i do. i know you’re really glad that i have an innie belly button instead of an outie.”

sukuna nearly chokes on his spit.

“i beg your pardon?” 

“i know that outies freak you out. you don’t have to say it.” 

sukuna stops himself from saying it. 

that he's falling in love with you. 

it’s right on the tip of his tongue. but he knows that it’s too fast so he swallows it down. that and the fact that it would be fucking insane if he said that to follow up your stupid joke about inne and outie belly buttons.

“baby, we should really donate your brain to science. i think you could advance neuroscience fifty years into the future.” sukuna states. 

“take that back, asshole.” you respond.  

“make me.” 

you yank hard on his hair, before fixing your hands back in his locks and pushing the matted wet hair off of his forehead. sukuna leaves a kiss in your hands, before he seems to wander off somewhere else, almost like he's deep in thought.

you grant him the quietness. sukuna loves you even more for it.

Chapter 8: core memories

sukuna feels like he’s peeled off a layer of skin after that night. it all culminated into this thing for him - that raw tenderness associated with a deeply painful childhood memory, the warmth of a date in your hometown, and the fact that you crawled into the bath with him, just to hold him close. 

that you let down your own wall just because you were so eager to crawl into his. 

it’s why he feels like he’s irrevocably given some part of himself to you. at least that’s what he thinks anyways. 

and it only works – it only feels like something he desperately won’t be able to ever get back – and more importantly, wants you to keep, because the same thing happens to you (or at least he hopes it does) two weeks down the line. 

it starts out simple. 

you accidentally bleed onto his sheets during the night. 

sukuna wakes up to your side of the bed empty, and more alarmingly, the red splotch on his pristine white sheets, when he’s reminded of the memory. he can barely register it because your presence demands his attention immediately after and his throat feels like chalk.  

“hey, sukuna. can i ask for a weird favor?” you ask, peeking your head out of the doorway. 

sukuna pinches his lips together. 

“sure, angel. what’s up?” 

“can you run to the store and grab me some pads please? i didn’t realize it was already friday and that my period was going to start.” 

sukuna stands up, closing the distance before you, before he leans down to press a warm kiss to your forehead. 

“sure. what size is your pussy?” sukuna asks. 

you roll your eyes. 

“you’re hilarious. you should quit your job and start stand-up comedy.” 

“can’t exactly keep up with your expensive needs if i do that, now can i?” sukuna states, giving you a cheeky smile as you shut the door straight onto his face. 

“pads are ten dollars, sukuna.”

“i’m talking about how you linked my credit card to your doordash account and thought i wouldn’t notice.” sukuna deadpans. 

you give him a peachy smile, as you reach forward to poke his cheek. 

“have i ever told you that you’re the best boyfriend ever?” 

“nope.” 

“keep dreaming about it! i don’t plan to.” you state, giving him a wink as he all but glares at you. 

when you shut the door, sukuna’s quick to collect the sheets and throw them in the wash before his brisk walk out to the store. and he tries to figure it out – to find how exactly to make you feel the way he did that night. 

the memory’s replaying in his mind, with overwhelming detail, when he walks over there, and it sinks deeper into his chest the more detail he remembers.

of the day your dad left, when you came running over to him with blood running down your legs. 

--

you’re only reminded of the memory when sukuna comes back, with the box of pads with a heart-shaped chocolate placed on top. eerily enough, he’s nowhere to be found when you leave the shower, your skin still warm from the water as you look around. 

you unwrap the little pink foil as you pace around the flat for him, feet cold on the concrete, until you find him in the bedroom, pulling the sheets over the mattress. 

or at least attempting to. 

“want some help?” you ask. 

“i don’t need your chocolate covered hands on the clean sheets.” sukuna states, eyeing you.

“come lick it off my fingers if it’s bothering you so much.” you complain, setting the little foil on the nightstand. 

"don't tempt me."

you reach for the closest corner, pinning it down and tucking it under the mattress, as sukuna sends you a grateful smile, before throwing the other half of the blanket over to you. 

“i washed these yesterday, sukuna.” you mention. 

“yeah. um-” 

you look up at him, hands nearly trembling and the loud smacking of his phone falling out of his pocket as you walk over to his side, securing it from the floor.

it’s almost frightening – watching someone so collected fumble with their words. you figure this is how sukuna would feel if you were ever able to keep it together. 

“you okay, butter fingers?” you ask. 

“yeah. yeah, i’m fine. thanks, pretty girl.” he states. 

you hand him the phone, eyeing his shoddy work. 

“you barely even tucked the sheets in properly.” you complain, pushing him to the side, before reaching back for the blanket and smoothing it perfectly against the sheets. 

and before he can get away, you quickly reach for his wrists and pull him back. and you’re quick to nestle into his arms, digging your cheek into his shoulder as the smell of his cologne nearly obliterates your nostrils. 

“what’s wrong, baby?” you ask. 

there it is again. sukuna wants to strangle you. 

“stop fucking doing that.” he murmurs. 

“doing what?”

“y/n.” he warns. 

you pull back, bring your palms to his cheeks before squishing his face together. you can tell that he’s annoyed – and you’re entirely amused by it – as he tries to muster a sentence together through his squished lips. 

“am i supposed to read your mind, you big baby?” you coo. 

“i don’t like it when you say that.” sukuna states. 

you pause. 

“oh. i’m sorry. i just figured you were a big…pet names guy. you barely even call me by my name. but don’t worry, i-” 

“no.” 

“oh?” you ask, giving him your best smirk. 

you’re not sure how well it works when you do it. the teasing, bantering type thing when you’re trying to get him to loosen up. it had worked well enough in your favor the past few times – and you figured you’re almost…goofy charm was part of why sukuna liked you in the first place – so you’d try to use it when you could. 

“i don’t like it when you call me a big fucking baby. i'm not a fan of patronizing nicknames.” sukuna states. 

you smile. 

“but? it feels like there’s more to that statement.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“but. i like it when you call me that otherwise.” 

you tilt your head to the side. 

“okay, baby. but seriously, what’s wrong with you? you really only act like this when somethings up.” you state. 

it gets harder to hide things from you as time goes on. but that’s part of the risk anyways – of becoming so close you’re nearly intertwined. sukuna sighs, before giving you a firm squeeze at your sides. 

“i changed the sheets again because you leaked on them.” sukuna states. 

you nearly cringe, clenching your jaw. 

“ew, sukuna. oh my god. i’m so sorry, you should have told me so i could have-” 

“that’s nothing to apologize for.” he clarifies. 

“no, really. now you’re all grossed out by me so much that you’re being weird.” 

sukuna finds it irritating. you nearly find the good in everything, except for yourself. 

“i’m not grossed out by it.” he states. 

“i mean…” 

“it just reminded me. of the last time we…had something like this happen.” sukuna states. 

“the last time? we haven’t even-” 

but that’s when you remember. and the embarrassment that never really registered the first time establishes in full effect. so much so, that you have to change the topic just as fast, duck out the first chance you can get. 

--

sukuna can barely focus the entire workday. all he can think about is that memory in petrifying detail, now coupled with the fact that for the first time, he’s upset you so bad that you basically ran away from him. 

like fully went to class without even taking your backpack. because that’s how badly you didn’t want to talk to him. 

“what’s wrong with you?” 

sukuna looks up from his monitor to find shoko peering over at him from his desk, shifting a lollipop around in her mouth. 

“nothing.” 

“you look like you have a stick up your ass.” she states. 

“it takes one to know one. how’s your little situationship going?” 

shoko rolls her eyes. 

“perfectly fine. how’s your girlfriend?” 

“would it kill you to mind your own fucking business sometimes?” 

shoko smiles, before gesturing for suguru and satoru from the desks over. nanami’s too civilized for these type of things – which is why he’s the only person that’s not on sukuna’s hit list. 

sukuna can nearly feel his nostrils flaring the second satoru starts talking, the overwhelming urge to gouge his eyes out extremely powerful for nine in the morning. 

“trouble in paradise?” satoru asks, a sing-song voice in his tone. 

“something that’s familiar to you, i’m sure.” sukuna murmurs. 

“hey! you don’t have to be a dick.” satoru whines. 

sukuna rolls his eyes, nearly breaking the keys on his keyboard. 

“what happened? she realized she’s too good for you or something?” shoko states. 

“did she get weirded out because she basically used to be like your little sister?” satoru asks. 

“she was never like my little sister. and she’s only two years younger than me.” sukuna clarifies. 

“oh, we know all about that. you’ve always been our little happy camper when it comes to her.” satoru chides, earning him a fit of laughter from the group. 

the closet thing in sukuna’s vicinity is a stapler. luckily for him, satoru doesn’t see it coming at all and it hits him square in the face. that earns him laughter from the group, though it’s cheapened by the whining noises that come out of satoru's mouth afterwards. 

but it’s not fault, because in sukuna’s expert opinion, he was asking for it. 

sukuna’s lucky enough that he’s been able to keep the group of them away from you for a considerable amount of time. because they’ve been holding onto one of his deepest secrets – and if they were given the opportunity – they would take every chance to mortify him and spell it out for you in detail.

when sukuna came back from europe, he figured that any rebellious streak that he had was basically out of his system. though he always had a tendency to be a little bit bold and overconfident, he’d mellowed out. at least by his europe standards anyways. 

and when he met the group of them, they took him out to a bar and asked him a simple question. though it seems rather inappropriate in hindsight, it’s literally due to the copious amounts of alcohol that they all seem to drink – and nurse him into drinking too. 

it’s not his fault he misunderstood the question. 

who is the first person you ever slept with? 

sukuna realized later that the question was who was the first person that he ever had sex with. not the first person that he ever slept next to, that he cuddled with during the night. unfortunately for him, he answered the latter instead of the former – and in his tipsiness – told the group of them all about you before he had even dated you. 

that he was counting his lucky stars when yuuji was so sick to go on the trip and that sammy hates bugs, which meant that he got to be there alone with you and the other campers. the other families – their kids were far too old, meaning that the two of you were nearly stuck together. 

you taught him how to make smores, he taught you how to catch fish – though you were never really able to do it, so he opted to do it for you. and that your camping bag seemed to be misplaced on the last night, so you shyly climbed into his tent and asked if you could stay. 

“sukuna. hey, are you awake?” 

“jesus fucking christ.” 

sukuna watches as your eyes widen and you cower away with an apologetic look on your face, as you put your hands up. 

“sorry! i didn’t realize you were sleeping.” 

“my eyes were closed.” 

“okay, well. i kind of knew you were sleeping. but i need to ask for a favor.” 

“what’s wrong?” 

“i can’t find my camping bag. and my tent is so dinky that it doesn’t have the padding on the bottom, so it’s just the cold, muddy floor.” you murmur.

sukuna fights the urge to smile fully. whatever was responsible for ruining your sleeping bag was getting his full praise the next morning. 

“okay. scoot in.” 

“huh?” 

“well, i’m not going to let you sleep on the fucking floor without a blanket. and i’m not giving up my own either, because i don't like you that much, so just come here.” 

you wince. 

“really? is that not weird?” 

“i’ve known you since you were a fucking toddler, basically. i’ve watched you cry more times than i can count, seen you burp more than yuuji, and i’m convinced you farted in front of me one time.” 

the agitation in your face is almost funny.

“are you stupid, sukuna? i don’t fart.” 

“that’s biologically impossible.” 

“no, it’s not. you probably heard yuuji and thought it was me.” you state. 

“for the record, you most definitely did. just don’t fart on me in the night and we’ll be fine.” sukuna states. 

you roll your eyes as you discard your little camping pants, unaware of the way sukuna’s heart has just constricted in his chest.

maybe he would have taken the floor if he knew you were planning on sleeping in butterfly printed shorts. 

“well, now i’m going to wait and aim my fart right at you when it happens.” you respond, as you tuck yourself into the bag, pressed right up against him in the cold. 

"I thought you didn't fart."

"i'll adapt just to attack you with it."

his arm finds it’s way around you, the space so constricted that you almost had to intertwine to be any semblance of comfort. and it’s in the dim light of the little lantern that you find yourself face to face with sukuna, for what feels like the first time ever. 

his nose is nearly brushing against yours, the minty smell from his toothpaste nearly overwhelming. 

“sukuna?” 

“yeah?” he whispers. 

“thank you.” 

sukuna hopes that your head resting against his pounding chest doesn’t keep you up all night. 

“earth to fucking sukuna.” satoru states, shaking his hand in front of his eyes. 

he has a death wish. suguru must know that all too well, because he’s shooing shoko and satoru’s nosiness away, before he pulls up into the chair next to him. 

“alright. what happened?” suguru asks. 

“i just…brought up something from when we were kids by accident. about the day her dad left. and-and she was so shocked that she basically fucking ran out the door, to class, without taking her backpack because i upset her that badly.” sukuna grates. 

suguru’s mouth pinches into a line, before he leans his chin against the backs of his hands. 

“didn’t you say that she was really hard to read?” he asks. 

“sometimes.” 

“think you just caught her off guard. especially if she wasn’t thinking about it before. i think you should just send her a text to tell her to spend the night and that you can either talk about it or never bring it up again. you should let her make the call.” suguru states. 

“you don’t think i should….fucking leave her alone or something? she probably hates me for all i know.” 

“i don’t think you’re giving her enough credit. you’re her boyfriend. maybe she wants to talk about it now. especially if you were there – and now she’s reminded of it.” 

sukuna ponders the thought as suguru gives him an enthusiastic thumbs up, before he starts yanking on shoko and satoru’s ears in the periphery. 

he decides to jump. 

 

dear diamond of the season, 

i’m sorry about this morning. i just brought it up on a whim and we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. but also if you feel the need to let it out, my time is always yours anyways. 

(please come home tonight or i will never recover emotionally) 

(i am kidding. you’re free to take time to yourself if you need it. but also i’ve become too used to sleeping with you next to me and i will shave my head if you don’t come back.) 

(am also curious how you are faring in class without a pencil, a notebook, or a laptop. you push the limits everyday, baby.)

groveling on my hands and knees, 
sukuna 

 

the response is fast. 

 

dear gentle reader,

so much to unpack in one email. WHEN DID YOU WATCH BRIDGERTON? 

(if you watched it for the period piece porn and not the romance, immediate breakup) 

caught me a little bit off guard, but not in the bad way. kinda got stuck in my head about it all so…would be kind of nice to talk about it i guess? idk. i’ll see how i feel. 

(and yes, i’m coming home, silly. i can’t stay away from my alpha wolf (insert barking sounds) for so long :D) 

(shave your head and i will never fucking recover. i won’t talk to you till it grows back.)

(i took notes on a napkin. not one of my finest moments, but i think it’s a testament to the versatility of women.) 

just pooped in library bathroom, 
y/n 

--

you come home to find sukuna at the stove and immediately press yourself flush to his skin. looping your arms around his torso, pressing your cheek to his bare skin – one of the few moments you can appreciate that he never really wears a shirt – as you sigh. 

“hi stinky.” you coo.

“absolutely not.” 

“boo. it’s romantic!” you whine. 

sukuna turns around, before cupping his fingers around your chin and tilting your face up. there’s a tired smile on your face – barely any makeup and your glasses instead of your contacts – that has him reeling. 

“how was your day, stinky?” he asks.

“the first day’s always the worst. feel like i have no energy.” you respond, leaning your head against his chest. 

“luckily for you, we’re having breakfast for dinner. and i have pain killers if it gets bad.” 

you smile.

“i’m starting to think you only know one fact about me and it’s that i like french toast.” 

“har har har. you’re hilarious, y/n!” he deadpans, flicking your forehead. 

he shoos you away, gesturing for you to go change, as he starts plating the food. and when you come back, the two of you cuddle under the blanket on the couch, with your plates warm in your hands. 

you look at the screen and promptly skip the scene. 

“hey.”

“why can’t we watch season two of bridgerton?” you ask. 

“because we’re watching it from the start together.” 

“there’s just so much…porn. and enemies to lovers is better than fake dating.”

“sweetheart. you’re like missing half of the plot when you skip those scenes.” 

“we’ve watched it before! i’m going to kill you.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes, before reaching for the remote and switching to the second season. and well into the third episode – dirty plates stacked on top of each other on the ottoman – sukuna’s fingers running through your hair beckon you to talk. 

“sukuna.” 

“hm, baby?” 

“do you ever think about how knowing each other before has like….impacted our relationship?” you ask. 

he looks down at you, concentration from the screen broken. 

“sometimes. what are you thinking about?” 

sukuna reaches forward, pushing your glasses back to the bridge of your nose. 

“when you date other people, you kind of have to explain everything to them. shitty dads, complicated sisters…i feel like we skipped that part. but it’s also more complicated, because you have your own opinions on everything that happened because you were there too.” you murmur. 

“works in our favor too. i could never be as close to someone as i am to you. they’d never understand the depth of anything i told them, not like you would because you were actually there.” 

you nod. 

“that’s true. there’s nothing like understanding that my dad has hurt me than being the one who had to pick me up after that…” 

sukuna leans his head against the top of yours, your eyes lazily fixed on the screen, but not focusing. 

“can you tell me what you remember from that day?” you ask. 

sukuna hums in response. he’s not sure where that block in his throat came from and the wavering in his voice almost embarrasses him. 

“we could always hear them fighting. from the kitchen especially, since our windows were always open. and it was particularly loud that day.” sukuna starts. 

you can feel his hold on you tighten, the hand skirting underneath your shirt hard on your skin. 

“my mom and i knew something was wrong when we heard sammy. and then you. you…your voice was so small compared to his that…that it fucking scared me. it reminded me of yuuji…when he fights with our dad. my first thought was to go over there and fight him myself for you.” sukuna states. 

“you just wanted an excuse to fight with adults. especially at that age.” 

sukuna knows the joke is a deflection. your heart is barely in the statement. 

“and then i heard sammy crying and my heart dropped. i’ve…i’ve seen you cry plenty. but sammy’s so put together, tries so hard to be, that when she let it go, i was shocked. my mom kept telling me not to listen, that it was rude, but i was basically sticking my head out the window at that point.” 

you pinch your eyes for what comes next. 

“the doorbell rang and you were there. you…you were crying so hard and there was blood running down your legs. i almost called the police because i thought you were hurt.” 

“to be honest, i thought i was too. i’d never really gotten my period before, and i knew what they were, but i…i was so shocked when he was gone that i barely processed it.” you murmur. 

sukuna squeezes your arm. 

“i didn’t know that was your first period.” 

you tilt your head up, looking at his brown eyes. 

“yeah. your mom was the one who taught me….all the pads and tampons stuff. chocolate for cramps and all that. she actually did pretty well – considering the fact that she had to check on sammy and my mom after that too but still make me comfortable.” 

“i’m glad. it seemed so confusing to me at the time – when she sent yuuji and i to the store to grab the pads for you. i feel like she just didn’t want us there to...to not have two more people to worry about. and we really didn’t want to leave you. we basically ran to the store, through the aisles, before we got there and realized there’s like a hundred fucking brands of pads with different like…options and shit.” 

“feels like a good time to mention that you have a very good y/n-radar. you got the right ones this morning.” 

he smiles, his eyes focused on the table as he mindlessly runs his fingers through your hair. 

“you’re forgetting the good parts.” you state. 

“and what’s that?” 

you smile. 

“i know for a fact that your mom used to give you pocket money. and that you and yuuji saved it all to buy candy and chocolate. and you always used to keep it saved, for when you really wanted it, whereas yuuji ate it right away.” 

sukuna scoffs. 

“and then he had the fucking audacity to complain. like maybe if you didn’t eat it all at once, it would have lasted longer, dipshit.” 

you lightly shove him. 

“you’re such a meanie. we were like babies.” 

“shut up. keep going.” 

“you shared your chocolate with me. it was a hershey’s with almonds in it. and when i curled my nose at that, you gave me a whole spiel about the very refined world of chocolate with nuts in it. about how the smooth silkiness of the chocolate was the perfect juxtaposition to the crunchiness of the nut.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“that sounds inappropriate, baby.” 

“get your head out of the gutter. it was sweet. that you shared with me. made me smile. i’ve always felt like i’ve always got some lingering feelings for you but if i had to pinpoint it, that was probably when i started falling in love with you. and granted, that was so….juvenile at that point. i was like a teenager but…it does feel the same as it did then compared to now. falling in love with you.” 

sukuna’s quiet. you look over to find him staring at you, his breaths so slow that it catches you off guard. and before you can even asks what’s wrong, he’s looped his hands under your thighs, pulling you straight onto him to straddle his lap. 

you place your hands on his shoulders to steady yourself, cheeks burning at the way he’s looking up at you. 

“what did you just say to me?” he asks, voice quiet. 

“what?” 

“repeat. what you said.” 

that’s when you realize it. 

“oh, fuck. sukuna. i don’t want to rus-” 

“repeat it.” 

you swallow hard. 

“i…i’m falling in love with you?” 

“that sounds like a question.” 

“sukuna.” you whine. 

“say it right.” he demands. 

you bite into the softness of your cheek, taking a deep breath, before you dig your fingers into the indents of his shoulders. 

“sukuna. i’m falling in love with you.” you murmur. 

sukuna’s eyes soften, his gaze so honey sweet and warm, that you can’t help but bring your hands to his cheeks. you lean closer, your faces only a few feet away from each other, as you smile back. 

“what is it?” you whisper.

“you’re falling in love with me.” he responds. like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“that’s right.” you confirm. 

sukuna smiles, before closing the space between you, the kiss so longing that it makes the core in the pit of your stomach burn, your chest flutter. he breaks the kiss, smiling and murmuring against your mouth as you lean against his forehead. 

“thanks for finally catching up, slow-poke.” 

Chapter 9: obsessions

sukuna always considered himself an entirely different entity, especially when he was comparing himself to you. labels were something he learned quick and fast – that he was gifted, that he was juvenile, that he was his mother’s angel boy, but he could never seem to do right by her, or anyone else for that matter, besides it.  

he doesn’t understand it. sukuna wasn’t quite gifted, school just seemed to be something that functioned without requiring any effort from him. that the connections formed in his head, that he was athletic, that people just wanted to be around him. 

that deep down, he wished he could have had the struggle, something that would help him relate to his peers – just so he could be a little bit more touchable. a little more human.

that sometimes without explaining, he would have this tensing energy in him, that always culminated in him pulling a girl’s hair or punching one of his classmates when they made him too angry. that sometimes it was the only way he could relieve that tension that had been building for days.

that he was an angel boy to his mother, who was too spineless to stand up for her sons, and instead left him to do it for the group of them. it didn’t matter if he was eleven, if he was cowering in fear or sixteen and grieving, because someone had to stand at the plate and he had to be the one to do it when no one else would. 

that despite the selflessness it took, it made him angry. that deep down, as an eldest son, as an older sibling – he should have been overjoyed. he should have been happy that no one else did it for him, because it meant he was spared the pain. 

he should have been glad he got to protect them. that at the end of the day, it was his job. 

but no matter how hard he tried, it would still never be enough. the expectations were high and he would never be tall enough to reach them.

it’s why it sends him into a spiraling hole when he fails to deliver for you. quite possibly, the only person he’d want to fill that role for. 

“sukuna?” 

“hm, dollface?” 

he watches as you pace around the room, clasping your necklace around your neck, and smiles at the light pink ribbon in your hair. 

“were you able to wash my sweater? the pink one?” you ask. 

sukuna bites hard into the softness of his cheek, the pit in his stomach rolling in waves. 

the pink sweater, for valentines day. 

he walks closer to you, as you plate the little heart shaped cookies and grab your bouquet of flowers as you look up at him, expectantly. there’s a certain franticness in your demeanor, like you’re ready to bolt out the door in his old college sweatshirt that you were wearing over your skirt without giving it a second thought.  

there’s pink glitter smeared over your eyelids, a sweet flowery smell from your freshly sprayed perfume, and a white ribbon in your hair – you’re so perfect and it makes him feel like a failure. 

“baby, i’m so sorry. i can go throw it for a wash right now.” he murmurs. 

you wince. 

“honey. i’m already running late.” you groan. 

you shake your head, locking your phone as you place your cold hand on his cheek and press a kiss to his skin. 

“no problem, s’my fault anyways. i’ll yank something from kugi’s closet and see you after bestie-tines, okay?” 

sukuna gives you a halfhearted nod, something you don’t notice as you rush out to your little party, and he can’t help but feel his heart sink. 

there’s only one reason that sukuna’s able to read you so well – so keen, so aware about how obsessive you can really be. 

it’s because he’s the same way. 

for you, the comments regarding your looks, the perceived slights of awkwardness you seem to experience, they send you tumbling. make you meticulously brush your hair multiple times, vigorously rub your skin till its nearly pink. 

and for him. the small things he fails at, that he can never seem to do anything right – by his parents, his brother, his beloved girlfriend. 

it nearly drives him crazy. and makes it unable for him to stop.

--

bestie-tines is a simple tradition that was established three years ago, on february 13th. 

valentine’s day, originally, was always a day that you and yuuji reserved for one another. it started out simple – that the two of you could bond on this holiday, be a soft place for each other when other people couldn’t.  

it was always your friends – who felt smarter, prettier, more intelligent and more interesting than you. it was like there was a secret, that there was something fundamental about them that you lacked. that you could pin it to that inherent thing that you would never really possess, which is why you always ended up alone on this day. 

or begging for a text back. 

and for yuuji. it was the teasing comments. from his dad, a classmate, something said in passing that would never leave his mind. and really, the deep rooted despair – that this holiday, in its entirety, would never be one that he would get to enjoy. that even if he was happy, he wouldn’t ever be normal, that maybe he’d always get a weird look or turn a head just for being how he was. 

and when kugisaki came along, it was nearly perfect. you’d each plan a little activity together. you’d get the two of them to bake with you – or more appropriately, stick their fingers into the batter and watch you bake – and kugisaki would make you participate in some ear-splitting karaoke. 

yuuji always liked the warmth of it all, that you’d both fall asleep on his shoulders halfway into the stupid rom-com he picked, and that in the confined walls of his room, he could pretend for one second that things weren’t as they were. 

and years later, megumi was added to the bunch and by translation, whichever girl nobara seemed to be talking to at the time, ended up tagging along too. 

it dampens the mood a little bit. that yuuji and megumi will be holding hands and making the batter together – in a way that seems entirely romantic and antithetical to what the point of bestie-tines was. and nobara’s partners were always in that stage, that stage of talking where the chase became so intoxicating, that other people didn’t seem to exist anymore. 

it didn’t bother you much. the underlying theme was still there – and being the person barring partners from a valentine’s day event seemed to be too pathetic of a hole to crawl into. 

yuuji swings the door open after your first knock, wrapping his arms around you and pressing a swift kiss to your cheek. you nearly cowering at the touch and wiping the wetness away from your cheek. 

“i haven’t seen you in forever, dude. where have you been?” yuuji asks, nearly pulling you in by the arms and taking the little platter from your hands. 

you tuck the ends of your hair behind your ears, giving side hugs to both nobara and megumi as you respond. 

“just around. you know. senior year, thesis stuff.” 

“i feel like i could usually find you holed up in the library somewhere. d’you find some new secret spot that you aren’t telling me about?” yuuji asks. 

yes. your brother’s apartment. 

and you would tell him – you have every intention to let all of them know that you were dating sukuna by the end of the night, because at this point, it was almost stupid not to. 

because really, at the core of it, it’s not like you're embarrassed of him. actually quite the opposite. 

and it’s not that yuuji can police who you date. and if it’s something that makes you happy, it should be something that makes them happy too. 

and deep down, you know it will. that the fact that you were finally, almost being rewarded with what you were given – someone who was patient, was understanding. 

someone who would be able to love you. 

“university of reading? who goes to the university of reading?” 

you look down at your sweatshirt, biting down on your cheek, as you give megumi a peachy smile. 

“sukuna did. like back in the day.” yuuji answers, halfheartedly, into the conversation as he and maki, nobara’s guest for this bestie-tines, set up the karaoke machine. 

megumi gives you a weird look, before leaning against the counter and nobara joining you at your side. she leans her head against your shoulder, one of the little heart shaped cookies trapped in between her lips, as she mumbles through the crumb. 

“are they stale? i had to make them yesterday.” 

“nope. s’perfect.” 

you hum in response. 

“are you bringing anyone, y/n?” maki asks, flipping all the little strobe lights on the little machine. 

“oh-” 

“y/n doesn’t bring anyone to bestie-tines.” yuuji answers, unwrapping the coil of the microphone. 

“our little baby. y’know, she’s always the bridesmaid, never the bride.” nobara states, pinching the side of your cheek before she reaches forward to flip in through the little catlog of songs. 

you pinch your lips into a straight line – swallowing down that acidic feeling in your throat. 

the jokes don’t work the same anymore. not that you were going to be sukuna’s bride, but the implication is entirely different. 

and maybe the phrasing was a little weird. it’s not like you would never bring someone to bestie-tines, it’s just that it had to be someone who was an established partner of yours. and at the core of it – it was always about friends, not romantic partners, and you never felt the need to front.

not that you would ever say that. it almost felt wrong to – to police something for yuuji when what he got to experience, at least in the romantic sphere in public, was always going to be met with some level of scrutiny.  

but it was always wrong. what you used to reach for – lipstick on a pig, always an angel never a god, the poet but never the poem. 

but…but it didn’t ring true. at least not anymore. 

and it goes fine and well. yuuji – and a megumi who takes a little convincing – sing lover and nobara gives you her annual loving serenade to the song one less lonely girl. 

and it all comes crashing down when they ask you to sing all by myself by celine dion. 

“oh, c’mon. you sing it like every year! it’s like your anthem!” yuuji whines, pressing the microphone into your hand. 

you shake your head, bringing your hands up in protest. 

“no singing from me this year. i’ve retired.” 

“dude, it’s like a tradition!” nobara adds, a hand lazily slung over maki’s shoulder. 

you swallow down the retort. that actually, the tradition was that ALL of you sang all by myself together. not you alone, while they sat there and watched you. and that you all baked the cookies together, not you alone the night before in your apartment. 

“not this year!” you respond, getting a resounding group of boo’s before maki takes her place. 

if they really cared about traditions, megumi and maki wouldn’t be there right now – they’d celebrate tomorrow. on valentine’s day, like intended. 

yuuji comes out at your side, megumi distracted by recording the god awful mess coming out of maki’s mouth, and places his hands on your shoulders – leaning his chin right against the top of your head. 

“you okay?” he asks. 

“mhm.” 

yuuji pauses, before digging his fingers into your muscle and forcing you to spin around to look at him. it’s gives you a weird twinge for a split second – how similar he looks to sukuna – before you muster your best smile for him. 

“we’re good, right?” 

“yeah! yeah, of course. still on for friday?” 

“yeah.” 

you hum in response, the two of you giving each other tight lipped smiles in the awkward silence, before yuuji leans against the counter, the two of you watching maki and nobara make their attempts to strangle megumi. 

“maybe next year we can keep bestie-tines to just you and me.” yuuji states. 

you frown. 

“no! no, it’s always fun with the group. plus, it’s nobara’s karaoke machine. doubt she’d let us use it without an invite.” 

yuuji smiles in response, an airy laugh leaving his lips. he leans his head against yours, his cheek smushed against your head before squeezing you hard. 

“i like the group too. but, we rarely get any me and you time anymore. so, just our thing. i can live one day without megumi.” 

you grin. 

“i find that hard to believe. and don’t worry. i’m really not upset or anything, you-you don’t have to change plans and stuff. i just…didn’t want to sing the song. for my own reasons.” you state.

yuuji gives you a nod. 

“yeah, i know. but still – just feel like i barely know what’s going on with you anymore. what rom-com are you going to watch tomorrow?” 

this is your segway. 

yuuji knows that you always spend valentine’s day the same way. that you make the ten minute sheet valentine’s day cookies, light your peony and rose candle, and pick a rom-com before you head to bed early. 

“ah. i’m having an early brunch before class.” 

“fancy. it’s always nice to treat yourself.” yuuji states. 

you bite your tongue. 

“yeah, yeah it is. but…i’m going with my boyfriend.” 

yuuji leans off of your body, eyes pinched in confusion as he looks down at you. the rolling wave of embarrassment, of nerve-wracking doubt courses through you. 

“you have a boyfriend?” 

you swallow hard. 

“yeah. um, we’ve been seeing each other since after christmas. he’s um…really good to me and stuff. i really like him – well actually i told him i was falling in love with him and he said he was too and-” 

“woah. that’s kind of fast.” yuuji states. 

“yeah. but, i’ve also known him for a long time, so…so we kind of skipped some of that like – are you a murderer? talking stage.” you state. 

“the odds are low, but never zero.” yuuji jokes. 

the two of you laugh, as you dig your nails into the hardness of your palm. 

“you should have brought him. though in hindsight, that probably would have scared him off.” yuuji states. 

“it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before though. but i couldn’t exactly bring sukuna here without telling you first. or everyone else too.” you murmur. 

yuuji pauses, before fully turning to face you. 

“you…you’re dating sukuna?” 

“yeah. that’s where i’ve been, i guess. he gave me a key to his apartment since mai is mai and i just kind of stay there a lot.” you state. 

yuuji’s nodding, like he’s rolling over the information on his mind.

the immediate hesitation, the silence – it speaks volumes.

he doesn’t approve. 

“is he going to come on friday?” 

“no. not if you don’t want him to.” you state. 

“yeah. s’just…the mix of the parents. and him and you and sammy stuff. just give me a second to get used to all of that.” yuuji states. 

you bite down on your cheek. 

“you’re okay with it?” 

yuuji smiles, the sentiment not meeting his eyes. 

“not like that’s going to stop you, right?” he asks, an almost jeering tone in his voice. 

“yuuji.” 

“i’m kidding! if he makes you happy, then good for you. just don’t want it to change things between us. don’t go forgetting all about me because you have him.” 

that’s rich coming from him. 

“of course. you and me, first. always.” 

yuuji gives you an affirmative nod, before pushing off the counter and leaving you alone. 

--

you’re tipsy when you get on the train. and by the time you’re pushing the key through sukuna’s doors, the tears that have been streaming down your face for the past twenty minutes are obstructing your vision. 

you’re not sure when it was that you started crying. somewhere between fifteenth street and your stop and that overwhelming feeling with no real source – of the embarrassment, the bleakness, the disappointment – it’s enough to bring everything coming to a head. 

and the thing that pushes you right over the edge is the fact that you can’t slide the key into the lock. it's so frustrating that you give up and lean against the door, the wood of the frame surely indenting your forehead as you heavily pant. 

after five minutes, you nearly collapse into sukuna’s arms when he opens the door you were leaning your entire weight against. he’s fast with it, his hands at your sides holding you up against him. 

“jesus fuck, y/n. i thought someone was trying to break in.” sukuna utters. 

you instinctively wrap your arms around his frame, burying your face into the warmth of his neck. you can tell that he’s confused by the gesture – his arms not coming up around yours immediately. 

“sorry. didn’t mean to scare you.” you sniffle, leaning your burning eyelids against his cold skin. 

“are you crying, doll?” 

“maybe a little.” 

your voice comes out all muffled against his shirt, as he wraps his hand around your neck and lolls your head back with his fingers. the sparkly glitter is spread all over your face now, accompanied with black streaks running down your cheek. 

sukuna immediately frowns, thumb rubbing against the wetness as his eyes soften.

it nearly makes you start crying all over again. 

“do you want me to kill someone?” sukuna jokes. 

sukuna can see the smallest makings of a smile on your face. 

“your key hole. i couldn’t open the door.” you whisper. 

“done. fuck the door.” 

sukuna watches as you laugh, bringing the palms up to your face as you wipe away at your cheeks. he watches as you eye the mess of glitter on your hands, trying to wipe it away, before you look back up at him. 

“you smell like detergent, sukuna.” you murmur, wrinkling your nose. 

his eyes go wide, an almost pink flush creeping up his neck as he shakes his head. he tries to change the subject

“why are you crying?” 

you heave, the tiredness sitting in your limbs as you frown at him. 

“sukuna, honey. i’m really tired and i…i just want to get into bed. just tell me why you smell like you rolled around in the laundry detergent for an hour.” 

you watch as sukuna pinches his lips in a line, before bring his hands down to lock them with yours. he lifts them briefly just to press a kiss on top of your knuckles, his eyes downcast, before he murmurs against them. 

“let’s get ready for bed. i’ll tell you, okay?” he murmurs. 

you give him an affirmative nod, the two of you shuffling around each other in the bedroom and bathroom as you wordlessly go through your routines. the two of you brush your teeth together, sukuna pulling a piece of floss for you, and sukuna carefully helps you change without sparing a second glance.

the smell of detergent is almost worse in the bedroom – overwhelming at first before your nose adjusts and you crawl under the sheets with sukuna. you watch as he swipes his shirt over his neck with one hand, necklace hanging loosely around his neck, as he digs one of his arms underneath you. 

sukuna leans over to your side, as he reaches for your hair and he twists one of the loose strands in his fingers. 

“your stupid thing didn’t go well?” 

you sigh. 

“no. i told yuuji i was dating you. guess it wasn’t the reaction i was expecting.” 

“you told him?” 

in the pale light, your eyes having adjusted to the darkness, you reach forward and press your fingers against his dimple. 

“course i did. i’m serious about you…and i don’t want to hide that.” 

sukuna can feel the sweet ache blooming in his chest, his eyes nearly squinting with a soft joy. 

“i just feel like it’s weird. i think they got used to my whole…personality being that guys treat me bad, that my love life is lame that…maybe they don’t know what to do when that doesn’t apply anymore.” you murmur. 

your palm is flesh against sukuna’s lips and he uses it as an opportunity to press a kiss to your skin. 

“and it’s not just them, i guess. i feel that to some extent too. i feel like…i held onto everything that happened and that it became a part of me. but now that i have no reason to feel that way and sometimes it feels like i don’t know anything. i don’t know what music to listen to because the sad songs don’t really hit anymore. spending time alone isn’t a curse, it’s actually really enjoyable sometimes. and it’s weird to try to figure out who i am when i’m not sad, especially when it feels like…people might not like me if i change.” 

it comes out quietly when sukuna says it. 

“i’ll love you regardless.” 

you hum in response, the words making your chest ache, as you lean forward and tuck yourself into his arms. you bring up one of your hands to his bare pecs and squeeze and you can hear the disdain in his scoff as you can’t help but quietly giggle. 

“i’m going to break your hands if you do that again.” 

“just so comforting, y’know? really helps me feel better.” 

“right. me telling you i’ll love you forever pales in comparison.” 

you smile.

“you said you’ll love me regardless. like you will, in the future. now you’re saying you’ll love me forever, which kind of insinuates that you do right now.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes, one of his warm hands enveloping your cheek. 

“do you want to hear me say it, brat?” 

you grin. 

“maybe a little.” 

your heart beats faster as you wait in anticipation, for the three words leaving his lips. 

“i love you, pretty girl.” 

sukuna watches as you smile wider, the sweetness in your face as you press a kiss to his lips. he can feel you smiling into him, your hands featherlike around his neck as you pull him closer. 

“i love you too, stinky.” 

“you ruined it.” sukuna groans. 

you press your cheek against his shoulder, before you mumble again.

“now tell me what happened with you today?” 

sukuna groans, before ghosting his hands under your his shirt. 

“princess.” 

“you could never say anything that i’d find weird, y’know? i’m never going to pass judgment on you, i just want to know so i can help you if need be.” you whisper. 

sukuna gives you a quiet nod, before talking. 

“i took every piece of clothing you had here and threw it in the laundry.” sukuna states. 

“huh?” 

that had to have taken hours. you’ve nearly transferred your entire wardrobe over here at this point. 

“you…you asked me to wash the sweater for your party. and i know that you take time to pick out your outfits and match your accessories and, and themed parties like this are like your shit or whatever.” 

his voice gets quieter. 

“i’d hate to think i ruined something for you, y/n.” 

“sukuna. it’s just a shi-” 

“it’s not just a shirt to me. because i’ll forget to wash your shirt but then i’ll be to tired to help you do dishes. won’t be able to tear myself from work to pick you up from school when you ask. forget to respond to your emails and become neglectful. i’d hate to have you be disappointed at me when i can’t do these things for you.” 

you’re quiet. you can tell that there’s something he’s trying to say, at the tip of his tongue, but he won’t let it go. 

“c’mon, baby. keep going for me?” you whisper. 

the gentleness in your voice feels like a promise. and maybe if there wasn’t something so intoxicating about baring himself to you, giving you his secrets to keep, he wouldn’t be so keen on doing it all the time. 

“i’ve disappointed my mom time and time again. been able to mediate fights between her and my dad, but barely control my temper at school. and yuuji – i know he needed me, but sometimes i was…it was too much for me that i couldn’t do it for him. i’ve failed them in more ways than one and i can’t do that with you. you…you have to be the exception when it comes to this.” 

the desolate tone in his voice is nearly enough to bring tears into your eyes as you tuck his head into your neck, his breaths labored, as you run your hands through his hair. 

“i…i can’t promise you that it won’t be weird. when i get like this, my mom would almost get pissed sometimes because i’d try to do everything to make it up to her. open the door for her, answer her phone. one time i even tried to make her drink water while i held the glass. i-i know it’s weird but i-” 

you dig your fingers into his scalp, feeling the pulsating near his temple. 

“okay, sukuna. i’ll be more than thankful if you decide to help me with the little things. but, sweetheart. please don’t think you have some debt against me. you don’t owe me anything.” 

“i know it’s not a normal habit and i-” 

“that’s not what i meant, sukuna. i know that you’re aware of that. but…but just let me say these things till they sink in for you, okay? you’re my boyfriend and that doesn’t mean you have to be the end all be all. i can wash my own shirts here and there and help you out too. i love that you want to be helpful honey, but lean on me too, okay?” 

sukuna feels small. not in the infantile, reductive kind of way. in the rare kind of ways he’s felt only a handful of times. like when he got sick and his mom had to take care of him. or when yuuji had to help him out by carrying his books after he broke his arm. 

“what’s that weird shit you told me about once? about the little you inside you or whatever?” 

“oh. an inner child?” 

“yeah.” 

“what about it?” you ask. 

“you just kind of…remind me of it sometimes.” sukuna states.

“in a good way or a bad way?” 

sukuna smiles. 

“good. sometimes i forget that’s in there. s’nice that you see that part of me. bring it out of me sometimes.” 

the earnestness almost makes you cry. you love him so much. 

“me too, baby.”

Chapter 10: dinner party

it’s four thirty in the morning when sukuna decides to pry you from your computer. 

he’s almost positive that he’s going to get pushed back, cued on by the combination of your sleep deprivation and the concerning amount of energy drinks he knows you must have consumed within the hour. 

but the tangled mess of your hair and your deep, dark eye bags, have bothered him long enough – and if anything – he’s given you tons of grace for letting it go on for four days. 

sukuna gets working hard. he just can’t stand by working yourself to the bone. 

he finds you hunched over on the kitchen island, head down on the counter as you scribble away on your notebook – a sizable amount of ink smeared on your hands, a few empty wrappers of protein bars at your side, and your eyes barely open. 

sukuna leans forward, resting his forearms on the counter, before reaching forward to push your computer shut. the sound that follows jolts you out of your concentration, to find an…almost irritated sukuna sleepily rubbing his eyes. 

“hey. did i wake you up? i dropped the glass earlier by accident.” you mumble. 

“you broke a glass?” sukuna asks. 

“yeah. most of it is in the corner over there, i’ll swear i’ll clean it up as soon as i’m done.” 

sukuna opens his eyes fully this time, to find the stacked pile of glass sitting in the little orner, sparing you a glare before reaching for the little bin. the guilt flares up in you as you watch him drag his tired body over to the side, carefully shuffling all of the little shards away into the bag,

“sukuna. you don’t have to do that. i was going to clean it up.” 

“well, fuck off now. more time for you to sleep if i do it for you.” he mumbles. 

you’re positive he meant to make that more domineering then it ended up being. 

and it’s horrible. it’s been days since you’ve slept next to him, always climbing in as he’s climbing out to go to work – pressing a consolation kiss to his cheek before you pass out into the sheets. and now he’s up in the middle of the night, cleaning your mess just to ensure you a few more minutes of rest. 

“i’m almost done with my personal statement, i just want to make sure it’s done before i send it out to-” 

“your personal shit will still be there tomorrow.” 

you sigh. the pulsating in your head throbs quietly, eyelids heavy and aching from the light of the screen, tiredness sagging in your bones – dragging your limbs down as you lean on one of your arms. 

you still have three paragraphs left to write. your activities section could be better. you need to upload your transcripts and make sure that the letters were uploaded to the portal properly. and- 

“i’m almost done, really. i was just going to come to bed and-” 

“perfect! come now.” 

sukuna switches sides, walking up behind you and replacing his fingers with yours on your head. he can feel the pulsating under his fingertips, noting the way you lean your head against his chest and lean back the second he starts massaging into your skin. 

“you’re starting to fucking piss me off.” sukuna mutters. 

that’s what he says. it sounds more like you’re starting to concern me. 

“i’m coming, sukuna. just give me a few more minutes, okay?” 

sukuna pulls the stool at your side, before looping both of his hands around your thighs and pulling you up into his lap. his hands are steady – holding you firmly at your sides – as he looks up at you and you dig your hands into the hardness of his collarbone. 

you loop your fingers through the silver chain around sukuna’s neck, tugging on the little dog tag charm at the end to pull him closer to you. it’s a chaste kiss that you press to his lips and you you can feel him staring after – big, brown eyes peering into yours – as he kneads his hands into your skin.

you scoff. 

“are you poking my butt?” you ask. 

“maybe a little.” sukuna responds. 

“you’re such a dog.” 

“you cop a feel almost everyday. god forbid i touch my girlfriend’s butt.” 

sukuna reaches forward, tucking one of the loose strands behind your ear. 

“we used to be a real country, y’know? people used to touch butts all the time.” 

you smile and sukuna reaches up to run his fingers over your lips, the softness mirrored on his face too. and you know that a lecture is going to follow, so you bury your hands into his messy bedhead. 

“you have to fucking stop this shit.” sukuna states. 

you sigh. 

“i know. it’s just that once i start, i find it hard to stop. i just want to finish it all in one go.” 

“you want to clean up animal shit that badly?” 

you groan. 

“you’re so mean, sukuna. it’s not cleaning up animal shit…” 

“yeah, yeah…i’ve heard your whole healing and love for the earth and animals shit before, i know.” 

you dig your hands into his scalp. 

“i…i just want to make sure that i only have to apply to veterinary school once.” 

“you’re being stubborn. so what if you have to try again? it’s not a big deal.” sukuna states. 

“s’not about that. i just can’t afford to do it again, sukuna. it costs thousands of dollars and i’ve been saving up for so long. i’d hate to see the overtime i worked go to waste when i don’t even get in.” you murmur. 

sukuna doesn’t think it through when he says it. he’s almost certain that if he had thought through it properly though, it would have been the same conclusion. 

“i’ll pay for it.” sukuna states. 

it’s a horrible sensation – like pins and needles in your chest. 

you knew that sukuna was rich. that his family was rich. 

and that in earnest, sukuna probably would pay for it without even batting an eye. it wouldn’t even be the first time that you would have taken a handout from his family – for rent, car loans, when you applied to college. 

mrs. itadori was too generous. it seeped into sukuna too. 

but you refuse to take handouts from your boyfriend. not when the debt you have to pay them back is already so high. 

“are you crazy? you can’t just offer to pay for my vet school applications if i don’t get in anywhere this time around.”  

“you know i have a job right?” sukuna responds. 

“i know you have a job. but you can’t just offer it up like that! you’re acting like it’s just a five dollar iced coffee or something. it costs thousands of dollars, sukuna.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“it’s like an investment. you can pay me back.” sukuna states. 

the same line mrs. itadori uses. it never feels that way when they’re the one quietly shuffling you money in envelopes when you have eviction notices on your door that you never pay back. 

“you would never take my money.” you state. 

sukuna grins, before leaning forward to press a kiss to your collarbone. 

“you know me so well, princess.” 

you frown. 

“and you expect me to take yours.” you mumble. 

sukuna runs his hands through the front of your hair, before angling your down up so that you’re looking at him. 

“you know i only have a stable income because of my parents, right? that’s…i had a leg up, sweetheart. didn’t have to worry about working during school – hell, i went fucking abroad just because i could.” 

you glare at him. 

“that’s…that’s such a copout. i can’t just take a handout from you because things are harder for me. i know that you may have had some things considerably easier but that doesn’t mean i can just…start taking your money.” 

he glares back. 

“considerably easier is the understatement of the year. and i have every intent to let you pay me back when you’re a cushy doctor. you’re going to buy me a new motorcycle with that money.” 

sukuna watches the thought rattle around in your head. 

“we’re in it for the long haul. not a big deal if i have to help you pay for vet school applications, which i won’t have to because you’ll get in, but what’s mine is yours. s’gonna be our future student loan.” he murmurs. 

there’s the ghost of a smile on your face. sukuna’s fingers continue to meld softly into the hardness of your hip bones, the sensation so soothing it almost makes you keel your head back. 

and you’re sure that’s part of it – the soft touch, the overexertion, the crippling fear that you’re about to graduate and not even sure what you’ll be doing next year, that you could fail and have to rely on him – that makes you start bursting into tears and stand up to wrap your arms around him.  

you delude yourself for a second into thinking that’s how it could be. that maybe for once you wouldn’t have to worry about this type of thing, because he would be there to help you. that he would let you pay him back, that it would be your money. 

“i can’t take your money, sukuna.” you whisper. 

sukuna smiles. 

“you would do it for me.” 

“i wouldn’t be able to do it for you. i-i would want to but…” 

sukuna frowns. 

“you know money doesn’t mean shit to me right?” 

you sigh. 

“but it does to me. we already owe you so much and…and this can’t be another thing on the list of stuff i have to pay back.” you state. 

sukuna hooks his hands under your knees, before tilting you over his back and marching his way back to the room. there’s angry grumbling under his breath, that’s fully intelligible to you and makes your breath hitch. 

“why are we having this stupid fucking conversation at four in the morning? i’m not about to get into the whole logistics of marriage and shared bank accounts when you can’t even stop giggling after i touch your thighs sometimes. just chill the fuck out.” 

you feel bad. but you can’t help but laugh at how stupid he sounds as he flops you flat onto the sheets – that he haphazardly mentioned marrying you – as he rummages through the closet for your pajamas. you can tell that he’s tabled it for now and you’re more than grateful as your eyelids start to heavy with sleep. 

“arms up.” 

you oblige as he reaches for your shirt – and lightly push him as he tangles it over your head for far too long – before pulling it straight off. there’s a wide smile on his face and you reach for his wrist to stop him. 

“what’s wrong?” 

not the time. 

“nothing! i just….nothing, sorry.” 

you take the shirt from his hands before slipping it over your head and switching into the shorts. sukuna’s always quick with things like this – closing his eyes and turning around – always waiting until you were done. 

besides your momentary lapse in awkwardness when you were able to take the bath with him, you hadn’t pushed anything farther. but it was pooling in the pit of your stomach – that want to be closer to him, moving in tandem with him for something…more intimate. 

you’d talk to him about it on the weekend. 

--

“are you…sitting at the kids table?” 

you look up to find a blonde girl standing against the back end of the wall, nursing a little glass of wine in her hands. you shoot the group of kids an apologetic smile before you push off the floor, rubbing the red spots in your knee from the carpet, before giving a polite smile. 

“ah. i kind of lost my boyfriend…and i can’t find my friends. they were also playing the entire game wrong and it was hurting my soul a little bit.” 

the girl laughs, pushing her hair behind her shoulder before extending her hand out to you. 

“valid. i’d do the same thing. i’m kisa.” she states. 

you swear you know her from somewhere. though the likelihood of that is probably ninety percent – there wasn’t anyone in this town who didn’t know each other. 

“i’m y/n.” 

“wait. y/n? are you sammy’s sister?”  

point proven. 

“that’s right. yeah, she’s here somewhere. our mom was invited, she’s really good friends with mrs. itadori.” you. 

she hums in response, as you watch people shuffle in and out of the room. there’s a highly doctored smell of perfume in the room – billowing black dresses and shiny pearls – as all of you mom’s friends amble around the foyer taking their pictures. 

mrs. itadori spent a decent amount of her time planning extravagant dinner parties. and once in a while, you had to drag yourself all the way out here to show your face with yuuji. it was hardly pleasant. 

yuuji’s dad would always make a shitty comment, sammy’s ass kissing would be at its peak, and the two of you would be left to fend for the wolves. 

sukuna, naturally, knew this. so he decided to attend to. 

you just didn’t realize he’d be so popular. neither did yuuji and it makes your skin itch that you don’t know where he is right now. or that you can’t resolve the tension that he must be feeling – especially when it’s about sukuna. 

“why are you here?” 

she grins. 

“i have this really hot ex-boyfriend. i was figuring he might be here tonight since he’s back in town.” 

“do tell.” 

“oh, he’s gorgeous. like, i don’t want to objectify men, but i literally do. he’s like attractive in a ‘i want to pour battery acid into my eyes every time he looks at me’ kind of way.” 

you laugh.

“the best kind of attractive.” you affirm. 

“you get me, bitch! it’s like…i don’t mean to be so crude…and i’ve already had three glasses of wine so i’m going to blame it on that…but i need to get dicked down. fuck, i’d even suck his dick if he let me. and i hate sucking dick!” 

you snort. 

weirdly enough, this is one of your favorite things about parties like these. or going to the bar. talking to random girls in the bathroom – finding out that it’s their bachelorette party or whatever boy problems they’re having. there’s a soft solace in other people like this – that talk so openly with strangers, with a quiet trust that you can’t really seem to place. 

“weird question. why do you hate it?” you ask. 

“not weird at all, honey. it’s just not very fun to do. but sometimes it is, when you can tell the person really likes it. like my ex-boyfriend, i’d suck his dick all the time just because i wanted to, just because i liked to make him feel good. and he really loved it. and some people are fucking into it, i don’t know, they love to suck dick and do that type of thing. s’all about your interests.” 

you nod, mulling over her answer in your head. 

“do you like sucking dick?....that sounds more crude when i say it but also i’ve been talking about it for the past twenty seconds so.” she asks. 

“no! no, it’s not rude. and i asked. um, i haven’t done it before. i mean, i have or…or at least tried to but i don’t count that for…other reasons and stuff. but no, i haven’t.” 

“do you want to? you’re pretty, you said you have a boyfriend right?” 

you smile. 

“yeah. yeah, i just…get nervous about that type of thing. we haven’t done anything yet but i feel like we might soon.” 

she narrows her eyes. 

“he doesn’t pressure you, right?” 

along with the quiet trust, there’s always a well of concern. 

“no! no, the opposite really.” 

“good shit. well, don’t think about it so hard. it’ll come to you naturally. plus, when you like someone a lot, that type of stuff kind of comes with it. like my ex-boyfriend? total fucking sweetie pie. he could be standing in front of me and i’d dick him down right now if he asked. just for old times sake.” 

you laugh. 

“i really hope you find him. and get dicked down for your own sake.”  

“he was just so fucking hot! i’ve never had a guy make me feel like that. it’s like…i couldn’t have really reached my prime at my highschool prom with a guy two years younger than me…that’s embarrassing.” 

you pale. and right at that moment, sukuna walks up to you, eyes wide as he glares at you. 

“what the fuck are you doing?” 

“sukuna.”

you pause, the awkwardness of his name falling out of your mouths at the same time confirming your suspicions. 

just your luck, her aforementioned, beautiful ex-boyfriend, is sukuna. 

“sukuna! i didn’t realize you were back.” 

you can feel your chest simmering. because now she’s batting her eyelashes and twirling her hair in response to him. sukuna doesn’t even spare her a second glance and instead uses it to shoot bullets at you with his eyes. 

“what are you doing?” 

“i didn’t know! how was i supposed to know?” you whisper.

“we all went to the same school, y/n.” 

“i don’t memorize what all your ex-girlfriends look like sukuna. i have a very small thread of self-confidence and i’m hell bent on keeping it for the time being.” you respond. 

sukuna doesn’t find your joke funny. 

“do you guys know each other or something?” kisa asks. 

“kisa. this is my girlfriend, y/n. she was best friends with yuuji, remember?” sukuna states. 

she pauses for a second, before jolting up. 

“ah. the little one who used to take the cheerleading pictures, right? frizzy hair, big glasses?” she asks. 

you pinch your lips into a straight line. 

“that would be me!” you state. 

“shut the fuck up.” sukuna responds, before yanking you by the elbow into the kitchen at the side. 

you spare her a last glance over your shoulder – confusion spreading over her face – followed by the seclusion to the quiet of the kitchen. 

sukuna leans back against the fridge, running his hands through his hair, giving tight-lipped polite smiles through the people passing through the rooms. 

“what did you talk about?” 

you dig your fingers into your palm. sukuna picks up on it. 

“nothing. just pleasantries and stuff. it wasn’t a big deal!” 

“tell me. i can tell whatever it was is making you feel like shit.” 

you take a deep breath. 

“i don’t feel like shit, i just-” 

“are you guys fighting about something?” 

your eyes widen as you turn to yuuji, leaning against the frame of the door with his arms crossed on his chest. you muster a peachy smile, shaking your head as you walk up to his side and loop your arm through his. 

“of course not. we never fight!” you state. 

yuuji raises his eyebrow. 

“you never fight? ever?” 

“no! no, of course we fight. all the time actually.” you state. 

you look over at sukuna, who starts gesturing to you with his hands – with an irritated look on his face. 

what the hell are you talking about? 

you gesture back, shrugging as yuuji shuffles the two of you over to the drinks, filling up the glasses. 

“well, that doesn’t sound very healthy.” 

you take a deep breath in. 

“we don’t fight an abnormal amount. we’re like normal couples. we fight and then make up. there’s nothing weird about us actually, we’re perfect! It’s-it’s like conflict resolution and-” 

yuuji laughs, before leaning closer to you and wiggling his eyebrows at you. 

“who are you trying to convince? me or yourself? you’re rambling so much.” 

you groan, burying your palms into your eye sockets – you’re already messing this up. royally. yuuji gives you a warm smile, one that you can see from the little gaps in between your fingers, as you cross your arms and lean against the counter. yuuji gives sukuna a small nod, as sukuna takes the spot at your side, and links his arm around your shoulder. 

it feels wrong to be so openly affectionate like that. for him to pull you closer to him when yuuji’s standing right there. 

you lift your shoulders slightly until he drops his hand and you shoot him a grateful smile. 

“so really. what happened?” 

“nothing. i was talking to kisa and didn’t realize it was kisa.” 

yuuji leans his head back. 

“which one is she again? the neighbor?” 

you can feel a wave of discomfort, of an unnecessary defense bubbling up in your chest. he wasn’t actually talking to the neighbor – she just wanted advice on whether or not she should break up with her boyfriend. 

and sukuna told her not to. 

“no. she’s the girl sukuna went to prom with.” you state, brushing down the pleats of your skirt. 

“ahh, that’s right. his first girlfriend.” 

yuuji circles the last sip of his drink in his cup before downing it and turning to both of you at his side. 

“so what the hell is he so pissed about? you can’t talk to people now?” 

“he wasn’t mad. we were just talking, yuuji.” 

“you looked pretty mad. and you were whispering in hushed tones.” yuuji states. 

sukuna clears his throat and you can tell that he’s simmering with irritation from the way his fists are clenched and curled at his side. the animosity in his eyes does little to help too.

“i just wanted to know what they talked about and clear up anything that she might have said that might not be true. i don’t want her to get the wrong idea.” sukuna states. 

yuuji rolls his eyes. 

“she’s a grown woman. i think she can tell right from wrong by herself. and i’m positive that if she did say anything, it’s not anything that wouldn’t be true.” 

you shove yuuji in the side. 

“what’s your problem? you’re being so mean.” 

“i’m not being mean! it’s just a fact. you…you know how he can be. do you really think he just changed like that?” 

maybe it’s a mix of things. 

that sukuna’s ex-girlfriend just spent five minutes telling you about how much he apparently loves to get his dick sucked and you have yet to muster up the courage to do it. or that your hair’s been getting consecutively oily as the night goes on and sticking to your forehead or that yuuji tends to throw some hurdle into your relationship every chance he seems to get. 

or that you can’t pay for vet school so it’s time to cut back on iced coffee since you’re going to be taking a loan or that your mom’s walking around in fake pearls and someone most definitely will make a comment about it that’ll have her leaving the party crying. 

or that you can never seem to win. or do anything right. 

“you’re such an asshole sometimes. why do you always have to talk about him like that? do you think i’m so pathetic that he’s going to leave me for some girl he literally talked to six years ago? do you think i’m so pathetic that i’d date someone like that?” you mutter, before brushing past his shoulder and leaving the room. 

sukuna can feel that irritation festering up in him and makes his best efforts to swallow it down as he turns to yuuji. sukuna debates his options – following you or beating it out of yuuji. 

the second one seems more productive for the time being. 

he turns and can immediately clock that yuuji feels bad – his face drooping like it would whenever sukuna would beat him in a video game or leave their board game early to hang out with his friends. 

“what the hell is your problem?” sukuna asks. 

the drooping is replaced with anger, an irritability as yuuji scoffs before turning around. 

“what’s yours?” yuuji mutters. 

sukuna reaches for his collar, shaking him from filling up his glass again, before yuuji meets his eyes again. 

“no, seriously. what the fuck is your problem? why can’t you just be happy for her? we were getting along just fine before this until you decided to be a little bitch about it.” sukuna asks. 

yuuji rolls his eyes. he pulls back, tussling out of his grasp before leaning against the closed door of the fridge. 

“i didn’t have a problem with you. but you’re doing the same shit as before – being careless. and you’re doing it with my best friend.” 

sukuna wants to punch him in the face. 

“are you ever going to be satisfied with what you have? you just had to have her too? she was my friend first.” yuuji states.

sukuna doesn't know why it flares up in him - that possessiveness. you don't belong to him but you certainly don't belong to yuuji either. he doesn't get to stake a claim on you just because he knew you first.

“you sound like a pathetic child. you know you don’t own her, right? you can’t fathom that she could have someone else be special to her that isn’t you? that you can’t be a spoiled little kid and have to learn how to share?” 

sukuna’s hit a nerve, though he’s not entirely sure why. but now yuuji’s crying, shoving him hard into the counter, before his pounding footsteps reside as he runs up the stairs.

there’s an immediate guilt, coupled with a resounding headache. 

 

--

when sukuna makes it back to the apartment – after having dozed off for a decent amount of the train ride home – he’s thrown off when you push him against the wall the second you make it back into the house. and dig your hands under his shirt, dangerously lower than you ever have before. 

“jesus. what’s wrong with-” 

he can barely finish because you’re cutting him off by kissing him – almost aggressively – and latching your arms around his neck and jumping up onto his thighs. he’s quick to catch you, your legs locked around his waist as you pant into his mouth, kissing every spare patch of skin you can find. 

“what are you-” 

he can’t even get a sentence out. 

“doing, pretty girl?” 

it’s almost like you don’t hear him or something. there’s something insatiable burning in your eyes, nearly twitching with a fervor with something that he’s never really seen before. 

correction. something that he’s never seen in your eyes before. he’s seen it before – hundreds of times. in the shitty bathroom in the bar, from the girl he met on the dating app, and even kisa back in the day. but not with you.

he almost hates it.

sukuna pushes you back, resting your legs against the weight of the kitchen counter before letting go and trying to pull away. 

but it’s almost like you’re trying to entice him. grabbing him by his necklace and pulling him back into you, letting one hand roaming through his hair and the other underneath his shirt. 

there’s an insatiable fire pooling in his stomach. but it’s the wrong timing. and it’s almost too…tantalizing, too tempting that it felt wrong. 

this was not how he would do this with you – at least not the first time. 

he was no stranger to it – the intense, all consuming feeling that came with this. a part of him even wanted it. but he wanted the other side first, that aspect of it more. 

the part that he never had. the romance, the yearning, and the godawful ache. 

the love making. 

he had every intent to worship you the second he got, to drag it out for as long as he could. like he was a man starved, like he’d never get a chance to do it again. 

and there was no way he was going to bring that out, or be able to even do that, on the heels of his argument with yuuji, after whatever it was that kisa must have said that had you so worked up. 

sukuna doesn’t know what else to do. so he brings his hand up and takes a fist full of your hair – and uses it to yank you off of him. you’re panting hard, eyes nearly glazed over as you look at him and reach down this time. 

reaching for the buckle of his pants. sukuna reaches for your wrists and squeezes hard. 

“what are you doing?” he whispers. 

you pant, before shaking your head. 

“you know…” you respond, gesturing with your hands. 

“i don’t know. what are you doing?” he deadpans. 

you glare at him. 

“you know…we’ve been dating for some time now. and we love each other…it…it’s only right to do this type of thing. don’t you want to?” 

it’s that same meek look – that squirrely, almost timid way of talking. when he heard that godawful comparison for the first time, that filled him with an unappeasble rage. 

lipstick on a pig. 

it aggravates him to his core because he hasn’t heard it in months. that awkward, shy voice. he had gotten used to the real one – filled with a comfortable confidence. that cracked jokes and poked fun at him all the time. 

the part of you that saw him like a real person. 

“sure i do, princess. you know you drive me crazy, right?” 

you give him a grin, before reaching back for the buckle of his belt. and for a second time, he’s quick to pull on your wrists again, before leaning his forehead against yours, his breath tickling the tip of your nose. 

“no, seriously. what are you doing?” 

you bite into the hardness of your cheek, pinching your eyes shut. 

it’s not awkward. just say it. 

“i’m trying to…suck your dick.” 

sukuna takes a deep breath, using his pointer finger to angle your face back up by your chin, brown eyes overwhelmingly warm and soft as he looks at you. and it aggravates you. you know what he’s going to say. 

“you…you can’t stop me, you know? i’m ready to do this. i’ve..i’ve been thinking about it for a while.” 

sukuna raises his eyebrows, almost like he’s disbelieving of what you’re saying, before he talks. 

“okay, angel. can you just kiss me first?” 

you feel your cheeks burn. 

“what?” 

“i’m okay with it if you want to. i just want you to kiss me first.” 

you laugh, before cupping the side of his face and rubbing over the soft indent of his dimple. 

“are you being serious? you’re not like…copping me out right?” 

sukuna glares at you. 

“i just fucking asked you to kiss me. you just pounced on me like a fucking lion out of nowhere.” 

you bring your hands to his cheeks and can’t help but smile into his face. 

“why are you…so cute? you just want me to kiss you?” 

sukuna wrinkles his nose in disgust, before reaching forward to pinch the sensitive skin on your arm. 

“you fucking ruined it. now you’re never sucking my dick.” 

you snort. 

“well…technically i did kiss you. just really aggressively.” you mumble. 

sukuna’s laugh is soft, almost quiet as he leans forward to press a kiss to your hair. 

“kiss me properly. i’m not going anywhere. i…i want to savor it.” 

you swallow hard, as he takes over the open space in between your legs, and leans forward. his hair is tickling your forehead, your breaths slow as you cycle in tandem, and you loop your arms around his torso. 

there’s a small amount of desperation in the way that sukuna kisses you, a burning that ignites over your skin and makes your stomach drop to your core. but it’s almost like he’s slowing you down, curbing that feeling in your chest – by ubbing circles into your back, a contentment in his demeanor – that you’re cued into by the way he’s smiling into the kiss. 

that’s when you realize. 

“you’re not going to let me do it, are you?” you murmur, whispering against his lips. 

“perceptive.” sukuna mumbles back, before pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose. 

you groan, which has the smallest of laughs bubbling out of him. it’s free of any teasing – that you’re positive of as he lifts your hands to his lips and presses a kiss on each of your knuckles. 

“i like the rings. wonder what your hands would look like around my…” 

“well, now you’re just being fucking annoying.” 

“i’m joking.” 

you sigh, leaning your cheek against his shoulder, as you blink hard. 

“why not?” 

as quickly as that quiet, squirrely voice came back, it’s almost like he decimated it in his hands with a few seconds. if this were months prior, it would have taken him weeks to convince you that he still liked you. 

you had stopped viewing his actions as swift rejections, as slights against you, and started taking them for what they were. 

sukuna was going to kill yuuji for trying to shit on your relationship later. you were meant to be together, that much was obvious. 

“yuuji and i kind of…fought. i want to be in the right mood when we do this.” 

you lean forward, cupping his cheeks in your hands. 

“you know, he’s starting to really make me mad. he should just leave us alone if it pisses him off that much and-” 

“i said more than he did. it’s my fault. i’ll apologize tomorrow.” 

you shake your head. and there’s an awkward silence, before sukuna asks. 

“so what did she say? i know that didn’t come out of nowhere, even if you were thinking about it before.” 

you groan, digging your face into his neck. 

it’s almost embarrassing now. 

“she was there to see you. wanted to get dicked down by you. and mentioned that apparently you really like having your dick sucked? i don’t know…i just…had a long week. vet school and my mom and yuuji and…and you. figured i’d at least relieve some tension and give you what you wanted. like two birds in one stone type of thing.” 

“please don’t refer to sex as a stone.” 

you laugh and it makes sukuna smile. 

“the only thing i want is you.” 

you sigh.

“ugh! i’m…i’m so annoyed because i actually know that. if you were going to get up and leave you would have done it by now because it’s been months but i just…felt so stupid or like undercooked or something because we haven’t done it yet that i just-” 

“do you feel like you have something to prove?” 

you bite your lip. 

“i guess. it’s about you but…but it’s about other stuff too. i want to be strong enough to do it. i don’t want to let bad experiences hold me back when you’re obviously a good guy and obviously good in bed but-” 

sukuna smirks. 

“obviously?” 

“you’re so annoying.” 

sukuna wraps his hands around your cheeks, before pulling you up to look at him. and practices the way he’s worded this in his head a hundred times, hoping that it comes out right. 

“angel?” 

“yeah?” 

“about what you said. about other stuff.” 

it’s almost like you’re a kicked dog, trying to retreat after he mentioned it. 

“i don’t want to push you into telling me. and you don’t have to. i can…i can piece some of it together. but i just need to know what not to do. i’ll never forgive myself if i ever hurt you, especially if it’s something regarding this.” 

he leans his forehead against yours, his voice so quiet that it makes your chest ache, with overwhelming, sincere love of his consideration for you. 

“i’m sorry it happened to you. you don’t even have to tell me. write me a list or send me an email. i just need to know what’s off limits, anything that could possibly…remind you of anything that happened to you.” 

you angle your face back up, leaving a lingering kiss on his lips before pulling back. 

“are you tired?” you ask. 

he leans back, in confusion. 

“no?” 

“then, i’ll tell you right now.” 

sukuna’s eyes widen. 

“i’m not trying to pressure you.” 

you smile, before linking your hands into his. 

“i know. you’re not. i’ve been thinking about how to talk to you about it. and one of the biggest hurdles is…having to address that it happened? but if you already know…all i have to do is tell you now. and…” 

you sigh. 

“and it’s you. i feel safe enough to tell you about it but just…just don’t be weird about it?” 

sukuna reaches forward, crossing a little x shape onto your chest. you tilt your head to the side, in confusion. 

“what was that?” 

“crossing your heart. like the promise?” 

“you’re supposed to cross your own heart.” 

sukuna glares. 

“i’m not going to spell it out for you. you’re smart enough to figure it out.” 

it takes a few seconds, but you reach the conclusion. 

sukuna crossed your heart instead of his. he made the promise on yours, because yours was more important than his own – enough to make an oath on. yours over his. 

it’s the only reason you’re able to muster enough courage to even tell him what happened in the first place.

Chapter 11: the lore

Notes:

tw: mentions of sexual assault and manipulation. please protect your peace - viewer discretion advised!

“okay, well. it was back when-” you start. 

sukuna reaches forward and pinches the bridge of your nose. 

“are you a nutjob?” 

you frown. 

“huh?” 

sukuna drops his hands from your face, resting them against your waist before he uses them to spin you around. he’s walking behind you, leading your steps to the bedroom and whispering into your neck. 

“c’mon. we’ll wash up for bed and then talk. want you to be comfortable and all that, we’re not gonna have a serious conversation in the fucking kitchen.” sukuna murmurs. 

you smile, letting his attentive hands lead you to the bathroom as he busies himself with doing nearly everything for you. pulling the clips out of your hair and placing the headband just right to pull your hair back, putting toothpaste on both of your brushes, and busying himself with doing your skincare. 

his fingers are soft on your cheeks, the slight tautness of his fingertips massaging the terse of your cheek. 

and you can’t help but stare at him. at the arch of his eyebrows, his eyes attentively focused on the task, and how slowly he’s breathing – in full focus. 

“quit staring. you're freaking me out with your bug eyes.” sukuna murmurs. 

you smile. 

“you’re a big acts of service guy.” you state. 

“eh?” 

“acts of service! it’s a love language.” 

sukuna glares at you. 

“love language? where the fuck do you come up with this shit?” 

you hum in response. 

“it’s a book – you can even take a quiz to see which of the five is yours. it’s how you show love, how you like to receive it. and yours is acts of service.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“is not.” 

“yeah, it is! you always like to do stuff for me. like when you washed all my clothes. took the train back to the apartment for me, making me breakfast. you like to do things for me!” 

“you’re my girlfriend. i’m not a fucking asshole that’s going to let you take the train alone at night.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“but the breakfast.” 

“you know, i’m quite attached to my security deposit. can’t exactly have you burning my apartment down every morning.” sukuna complains.

you frown. 

“still. you like to do things for me. that’s how you show your love.” 

the serum he spreads under your eyes cools your skin, as you instinctively shut your eyes and welcome the tiny sting. 

“what’s yours?” 

“quality time! and words of affirmation.” 

sukuna pauses. 

“sounds about right. you’re always lurking around here, like a troll.” 

you open your eyes and give him a grin. 

“i’ll just be on my way out then.” you state, stepping out of the bathroom. 

but sukuna’s too quick with it, wrapping his hands around your waist and resting his chin on top of your head. he tickles at your sides, as you try to squirm out of his touch and smack his arms. 

“when did i tell you to leave, huh?” 

“quit tickling, i’m-” 

“you leave when i tell you to leave.” sukuna states. 

sukuna’s tickling subsides, as you heave and turn around to glare at him. sukuna’s delighted at the pink flush in your cheeks, coupled with the murderous glare you’re giving him. 

“if you had your way, i’d never leave.” you state.

sukuna leans forward, lips brushing against yours and nose ghosting your skin. 

“something wrong with that, huh? is it a crime to want you all to myself?” sukuna whispers. 

it’s enough to send an electrifying jolt down to your core, as you look up at his brown eyes – honeyed over with sweetness. you reach forward and cup his cheek. 

“no.” you whisper. 

sukuna presses a kiss to the top of your head, before locking his hand in with yours and dragging you out. and you both turn around, quickly discarding your dress clothes for your pajamas and settle under the sheets, tangling your legs together, as you rest your head against his bare shoulder – twisting the little charm on his necklace between your fingers. 

sukuna’s hands are in your hair, massaging into your temples as you push your cheek harder into the warmth of his shoulder. 

“sometimes it’s hard to explain how things were when they…build up over time. when i try to explain it…it all seems so trivial but i-” 

“none of this is going to sound trivial to me.” sukuna clarifies. 

you smile. 

“i know. i just mean, it’ll sound…stupid. petty stuff at first but it–” 

“acknowledging that someone treated you so far from what you deserve is never going to be stupid to me.” 

the bluntness is enough to catch you off guard. you give him a meek nod, feeling your cheeks head up as you try to remember the order of events, how things escalated so far, and it’s almost like the damper of it all is back in your brain. 

sometimes remembering feels like an oversaturated filter. that if you recollect your memories, that underlying feeling of the memories casts over your entire head, that it sucks out your energy even though nothing is really happening – even though you’re far from him and from being treated like that again. 

“no one liked me when i was in middle school.” you state. 

sukuna fights the urge to correct you. to tell you all about the camping bag, about how he thought about it for years, even mentioning it at his big age of twenty one to all of his coworkers. but he refrains. 

“maybe some part of me internalized that. but i’d watch as people all around me would…would have these guys interested in them. and sometimes i’d try to copy them. i’d want the same jewelry, like the same movies…try to change my hair so i’d look like them.” 

sukuna presses a kiss to your hair. you get the message and shoot him a halfhearted smile. 

“when i went to highschool…i was really hyper aware of what other people wore. talked about, when it came to guys. and sometimes it would really frustrate me – how stupid, how fucking petty people would be in relationships.” you start. 

“i would have killed to be in their position, sukuna. that if i got to love someone, if…if i could get someone to like me back, i would have done it so right. i’d buy them gifts, i’d tell them i love them, i would never talk to other guys because they were all i wanted.” you finish. 

how adamant you were being about sucking his dick an hour ago suddenly makes plain, clear sense to sukuna – confirming his hunch entirely. that you’d do anything to make him happy, and while it’s a noble quality, a part of him knows where this is going – and the fact that someone took advantage of it, such a deep earnestness to love, to please, fills him with an insurmountable amount of disgust. 

“when i was in my sophomore year of highschool, i had a crush on this guy named parker.” you state. 

“with your weird inappropriate english teacher, i remember.” 

you smile. 

“yeah. i feel like it was one of those…those cosmic connection type things. where you see someone and you just know you like them. he was doing role on the first day and…and i don’t know what it is but i just found myself being drawn to him. i couldn’t help but stare – at how he smiled at his friends, waved at other people in the class.” 

you cringe. 

“fuck. i’m sorry. i shouldn’t be talking about other guys like that when–” 

sukuna shakes his head, dismissively. 

“i want to know the whole story. if this is a part of it, if this is what’s truthful for you, then that’s okay. granted, i already have a leg up on this parker idiot – you’re in my bed, tangled up in my arms right now. not his.” 

you smile. 

“you jealous?” 

“of some pipsqueak little fifteen year old who didn’t see your worth? absolutely not. and we’re the ones with the real cosmic connection, so i’ll live.” sukuna deadpans. 

“we have a cosmic connection?” you ask. 

“of course. you think i let yuuji play my video games when i was six? i only let you guys play, the first time we met because you were there. i was fully intent on hanging him upside down from his legs but…decided against it.” 

you smile, pressing a kiss into the muscle of his shoulder. it takes a second – to reach your train of thought again – and sukuna affords you the time to think, twirling the ends of your hair in his fingers. 

“the year after that, i ended up in this big friend group of people, with guys, which i had never had before. it was originally a big group for a school dance, but…we just ended up hanging out after that. and when we all started hanging out as a group, i realized that my best friend and parker would…talk a lot. we’d go on picnics and they’d be trailing behind the group – and i’d never really found myself fitting in with any of them.” you state. 

you pause. 

“i’m really boring, sukuna. i mean, i know that i’m not boring, that drinking and smoking and going to parties or whatever doesn’t make you cool – but at that time, i felt boring. they’d all smoke and i’d shake them off, they’d all dress a certain type of way and i wouldn’t. and…and it was like everyone knew it too.”  

“we’d play these games of truth or dare. and i’d always do dare, just to…get sometime tame. like writing something in marker on the wall.” 

sukuna’s eyes widen. 

“how is vandalism tame?” 

“erasable markers. and compared to everyone else’s dares – to kiss each other on the neck, to wear each other’s clothes or…or take their own clothes off. i’m glad they never asked me to do that stuff, because they knew i wouldn’t or…or i couldn’t…but. made me feel like a sore thumb sometimes.” 

you swallow hard. 

“there was this guy in the group. his name was mazzy.” 

“prick name.” sukuna states. 

you laugh. 

“you’re funny.” 

“what was funny about that? objectively, that is such a prick name. i want him dead.” 

you can’t help but look up at him, his angry brown eyes looking down at yours. and slowly but surely, he breaks out into a smile, rubbing into the little smile lines by your eyes. 

“i love how i just wished death on another person and you’re smiling at me like i’m the sun.” sukuna states. 

you laugh in response, as you rest your head back against his shoulder and trace stars into your shoulder. 

and there’s a searing regret when you recall that what comes next was the catalyst for everything that happened – that a seemingly harmless move caused you some of the deepest, gutting pain of your life. 

“i sent him a tiktok, based on this inside joke that the entire group had about him. individually, in a chat with just me and him. and after that…we just started talking. everyday, about lots of different things.”

you swallow hard. 

“about him, a lot. he’d tell me all about…the girls he liked, what he liked about them. it was always objectifying. and…sometimes he’d make these comments after i asked why he told me. i was…trying to hint that he thought i was really trustworthy, or that we were friends but-” 

you frown. 

“he’d always say it’s because i’m not a real girl.” 

“what?” sukuna asks. 

you can feel hot tears in your eyes, remembering the biting sting of being told that in the early hours of the morning, when you’d sacrifice your sleep to hear what he had to say.

“i wasn’t a real girl.” you whisper.  

sukuna reaches forward, swiping the lone tear spilling from your eye, his demeanor washed over in concern, in contempt. 

“he…he wasn’t a good guy. so, just…don’t judge me for not saying anything about it or the comments he made and-” 

“you were sixteen. keep going.” sukuna whispers. 

the recognition, or the mere acknowledgement, that sukuna wasn’t going to accost you for not doing the right thing is enough to make your chest ache. because now, at twenty-two, the comments he made – slight jabs at the expense of others – they disgust you. 

and sometimes it disgusted you that you had put up with it, that you had brushed it aside, just so that you wouldn’t have to be alone. that you were that desperate for it. 

“when i asked what he meant, he said it again. that i don’t count as a real girl, that…which is why he can tell me about how hot other girls are, how horny he is for them all the time. and i know – trust me, i know how fucked up it was of him to say that, of me to not correct him – but…i guess i just internalized it instead. that he had put words to the feeling i had. that i didn’t get dares like the other girls did, that other guys weren’t interested in me, because…” 

there’s a block lodged in your throat, vision blurry. 

“because i’m not a real girl. i’m not pretty, and i wasn’t smart and – why would someone ever consider me…why did i delude myself into thinking it could be different?” 

sukuna’s insurmountable rage is displaced now, from this faceless asshat, to everyone else. to idiots like naobito – who was going to get another beating from him – to yuuji and kugisaki’s seemingly harmless comments, even down to your mother who had affirmed this feeling to you. hundreds of times over. 

but he realizes that it's because they don't know. and makes every intention to stop them, in the most discrete way he can.

“a year after that, he started talking to me about more personal stuff. about his parents, how he thought his sister hated him. and i’d always listen – i’d always affirm him that i thought he was great, and that point, i had started liking him…and i’d do anything to make him feel good.” you state. 

you bite into your cheek. 

“there was this day where he was talking about his parents, about how he felt so frustrated hiding it, and i…i told him that it wasn’t just him who felt like that, that lots of people did. like me. and it was almost like he had flipped a switch – because we went from talking about him to him…wanting to know everything about me.” 

sukuna absentmindedly tucks your hair behind your ear, the thoughts floating around his head. that at that time, it must have meant the world to you. that now, you were one of those people. that someone wanted to talk to you, to know about you too.  

but it leaves him with a sour taste in his mouth. because it almost feels exploitative to him, that this asshat had talked to you for a year at this point, and had only now thought to ask about you. after you had played therapist for a year. 

and the thought of you spilling out your secrets – about your dad, about sammy – just to have it turn around on you alter makes him understand that little concrete wall. and thanks the lords that he was there, a house across from you his entire life. 

the regret that sukuna left is deeper. because sukuna couldn’t have prevented it – any of it – but the thought of you suffering alone made his stomach hurt. that he could have at least been here. 

“where was yuuji?” sukuna asks. 

“you know…no one really knew that we talked. yuuji included. it was almost late into the night and…and when we first got together, we didn’t tell anyone for months. it wasn’t going to be a good idea, because of a fight we had before we were dating, where he called me a bitch in front of everyone and-” 

“he called you a bitch?” 

“yeah. it was this dumb thing, group plans that i had made that were kind of spontaneous from this volunteering thing. some people felt left out, and…and i had even invited him because he wasn’t there…but later…when it all kind of blew up in my face, he called me a bitch and everyone was just confused as to why we were friends after that. left a bad taste in people’s mouths.” 

“why didn’t it? for you?” sukuna whispers. 

“he was really good at being apologetic. and if someone was being earnest, i was always going to forgive.” you murmur. 

sukuna frowns. 

“always loved that about you. that you saw good, even if there wasn’t any.” 

you smile. 

“yeah. came to bite me in the butt later but…i’m getting ahead of myself.” 

sukuna nods, hand warm around your neck, as he pulls you closer. 

“when we met up for the first time, we wrote each other these letters. mine was four pages – about all the things i liked about him, memories that i cherished. and he wrote me one too, but…” 

you pause. 

“it was nice. there was stuff in there that was nice. but..he ended it with some joke about how he wanted to hit it from behind.” 

sukuna watches the disgust spread over your face, as you shake your head like you’re trying to get it off of you.

“he also tried to kiss me that day. but i dodged it. he did grab my butt though, which…i don’t know. guess i wasn’t expecting, but maybe should have in hindsight. he had asked me to wear these leggings and this form fitting shirt…” 

sukuna tries to think back to the first time the two of you kissed – to see if there were any inclinations of you pulling away. but he remembers it vividly, the way he pulled you into his lap in your bedroom, pressing kisses into your neck while you were begging him to kiss you full on. 

it makes him happy. 

but it disgusts him, the second part. that he had dictated what you were going to wear, that he had run his hands over you without asking for permission. and it reminds him of that day, where you were purposely trying to dress to impress him, and thanks the heavens he trusted his instincts and asked you to change. 

“the second time, i mustered the courage to kiss him back when he leaned in. and he was kind of…aggressive with it. a lot of the things he did were that way, kind of a lot. i’m more into…the softer things i guess but –” 

“i love that.” sukuna states. 

you smile. 

“yeah?” 

“i’m not a fan of that – the aggressiveness.” 

sukuna brings his fingertips to your face, thumb brushing down from the bridge to the end of your nose. 

“i like to savor it. keep it slow, so…so i can feel it all. commit you to my memory.” sukuna whispers. 

your shy smile makes sukuna’s heart skip a beat. 

“me too. wanna remember it forever.” you whisper. 

sukuna gives you a smile, before nodding for you to continue. 

“he talked to me a lot about how…horny he was before we were even dating. but now that we were, it was…something he talked about a lot. and while he never…outright forced me to do something, it was almost like he was wearing me down. first, he…he wanted me to send him nudes. i didn’t like the idea of doing that because he could use them against me so he told me that we should just…facetime and do it, if we had to.” you murmur. 

there’s an embarrassment that’s blooming over your skin, images of sneaking downstairs – past sammy and your mom – just so you wouldn’t get caught. 

“and i said no. but he asked again and i…i guess i caved. then he was talking about he wanted to take screenshots…because…” 

you lean your head back, the embarrassment – the realization that you had done something so utterly stupid that it made you keel back. but this time, sukuna fills the silence. the way you were harshly cutting off the circulation to his hand from squeezing signaled to him that he had to – and he wanted to meet you where you were. 

“you’re doing so good, you know that?”  sukuna whispers. 

there’s a film of tears in your eyes. and you shake your head. 

his lips are warm on your forehead, brushing away the frown lines. 

“doing so good, angel. so proud of you, you know that?” 

you scoff. 

“for what? being an idiot?” you murmur. 

sukuna’s voice is soft, but adamant. 

“don’t.” 

you sigh. 

“sorry. it’s a habit. i…i don’t actually think i’m an idiot. for any of it, because…i was just a kid. i just wanted someone to like me and–” 

“and someone took advantage, sweetheart. that doesn't make you an idiot.” 

it makes your chest ache. that he understands it. 

“yeah.” 

you swallow hard. it's enough to keep you going.

“he told me that i made it really hard for him…to jack off. because i didn’t really wear revealing clothes, which is why he needed the picture. that it would take him hours and that…if he had something it would just make it easier.” 

sukuna’s eyes have a murderous glint, but you ignore it for the time being. 

“it was kind of a slippery slope after that. because how are nudes different from a screenshot? that he’s my boyfriend so i should trust him and let him save them. that i should take my phone in the shower and call him and…” 

you trace the outline of sukuna’s tattoos. 

“he’d mask it all in compliments. tell me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and then ask. say that i was the most beautiful girl that he had ever seen before he asked me to get up and send him a picture after i was already in bed.” you state. 

sukuna gets it. words of affirmation. mazzy knew it meant the world to you and used it to his advantage.

“we started meeting up after that. and you remember how strict my mom was with sammy and his parents were too…so we’d kind of just…do stuff in my car.” 

you frown. 

“i’d fight with my mom about it. about how i wanted to drive myself to hangouts. she thought it wasn’t safe, but i’d just…cry so hard about it…because i knew it would disappoint him and i had to go. she’d give in, but…i’d feel like shit after the fact. and whenever we did stuff, it would be blistering hot in the car and his touch was already so…aggressive that i hated it.” 

you sigh. 

“i’d feel disgusting afterwards. not only because i was caked in sweat or because i did that, but…he’d always call me names. was really into choking and…and i was always scared that my mom would find out when i’d come home looking disheveled or smelling like him. i’d spend hours in the shower trying to scrub the feeling off till i was clean.” 

the obsessiveness. sukuna had watched you do it hundreds of times, pricked and prodded at your skin when you felt like you were at your worst. he cups his cheek in your hand, fingers soft on the little blemish on your cheek – and he can’t help but wonder how many times you had picked at it until it bled, scraped off the healing in the name of feeling like his touch was off of you. 

you can see sukuna’s eye watering and before you can even prod as to why, he shakes his head. 

“there was one time where the security guards of that mall caught us, because i needed to turn the air on in the car. and it was so humiliating, because i wasn’t wearing a shirt and…and they flashed a light on me and started yelling at me. i…i found it hard to take my shirt off after that and…i don’t know. he’d do stuff like that all the time. grope me in public when we were standing against the wall or…at the prom after he didn’t ask me.” you state. 

you shake your head. 

“anyways, we told people at some point. and people stopped talking to me. he wasn’t a nice guy, he…he had even bullied some of my friends which i found out about later, but…they just didn’t want to associate with him or me by proxy. yuuji was one of the only friends i had during that time, but he was really confused about what was happening too. and he’d ask but…i couldn’t bring myself to tell him because he’d want me to end it then and there. and i would have but–” 

you lean your head back. 

“he was really unstable. every time he fought with people, he would tell me that he…he'd get so upset and...and punch walls and stuff. and…i felt like it was on me, that his life was in my hands if i didn’t say the right thing. so if i ended things, i’d be leaving him alone – without a lifeline.” 

sukuna breaks the silence. 

“that’s a big burden to carry at seventeen. feeling like you’re responsible for someone’s wellbeing.” 

the recognition makes you cry. 

“yeah. it…it is, isn’t it? and-and it was so scary, sukuna. i really thought something bad was going to happen…so i did what i knew would make him feel better.” 

sukuna understands. that you were able to give it up and do the one thing you hated doing just to make him feel good, to satiate his needs. 

you shake your head. 

“anyways, it went on like that for the rest of the year. almost all of the memories from that year are colored dark – because he either did something bad or was mad at me. my eighteenth birthday, my graduation. and around july, i…i had found something bad.” 

sukuna tilts his head to the side.

“i was curious one day, so…so i decided to look my dad up. it had been years since he had gone but i just wanted to see. and i found a yelp review for his company and just searched that woman’s name up who left it.” 

“sukuna…my dad had been cheating on my mom. for a really long time. there were pictures and…vacations and all this stuff while my mom was like…taking loans from your mom just to buy us clothes and–” 

sukuna’s perceptive. and you’re endlessly thankful about it in this moment, just because you don't have to say it.

“he cheated on you, didn’t he? just like your dad did on your mom?” sukuna whispers.

“yeah. i had asked him not to, begged him even, and i-i found out the same way. when he left for college, he’d been so distant that i had started stalking all his followers, just to see what he was up to. and he was…commenting pick up lines on this girl's account.” 

you tuck your head into his neck. 

“when he came back for break, he told me that he was confused but…but we still did stuff. he broke up with me two days after that.” 

sukuna brings his hands up around your waist, pulling you up till you’re straddling him and secured in his lap. you’re stifling your sobs into his neck, his hands warm on your back as he leans his head against yours. 

“our anniversary was on december first. i had sent him a gift, this custom made expensive necklace he wanted, and…and two days after the fact i found out that while i was ordering that online, paying same day shipping, he was on a date with her.” you state. 

sukuna sighs, pulling you in closer. 

“he sent me pictures of their date. because we were still friends. he’d tell me how i was going to be important to him forever, and…tell me all about her. how perfect her family was, how smart she was…that she even matched his sex drive more and–” 

you sigh. 

“we talked on and off for that year. whenever he came home for break, we’d basically talk all the time – but i figured out later that it was only because of the time difference and that his girlfriend was asleep. and the time that we did spend talking, it was him talking about how he felt like such a dick for how he treated me. and every time, i’d-i’d reassure him that it was okay, that i didn’t mind it.” 

“still using you to make himself feel good, huh?” 

“yeah. isn’t that….so fucking stupid?” 

sukuna sighs. 

“that’s very cruel, y/n.” 

you pull back, the full depth of the word hitting you as you look at his eyes, brown and washed over in hurt. not pity – because you had seen that droop hundreds of times, but…in recognition. you reach forward, cupping his face. 

“very cruel.” you whisper back. 

“that’s heartbreaking. you’re a very earnest person and for someone to take advantage of this –” 

sukuna reaches forward, pointing at your chest, before he crosses on it again – like the promise he made earlier – and continues talking. 

“– of your beautiful heart is brutal, y/n. of course, you felt the way you did about it. anyone would.” 

you nod, reaching forward to press a kiss to his cheek. 

“i hope you know i’ll spend a lifetime trying to mend this with you, whatever that looks like.” sukuna whispers. 

“sukuna–” you whisper. 

“i’ve always seen you as what you are – a girl. in fact, the only girl for me.” 

it’s almost painful. that sukuna’s repeating every word back to you, but the other way. in the way you had wanted when you were seventeen, when you were so desperate to love someone. 

“you’re the only person that i’ve ever considered, for something this serious. i know i’ve dated other girls and slept around but…i’ve never felt this way about anyone.” 

sukuna reaches forward, taking your hand into his and placing it flat against his chest, over his beating heart. 

“s’yours. all yours, for as long as you want it.” 

you cross on his heart, which has him breaking out into a smile. 

“there’s my pretty girl…come here, yeah?” he whispers, gesturing for you to scoot closer, till you’re faces are only a few feet apart. 

and the way he scans his eyes over your face makes your chest hurt – with such attentiveness, with such adoration as he continues murmuring his sweet nothings. 

“i’ve always loved your style. i think you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen – i love when you frown at me and pretend to be mad and when you sleep with your mouth open.” 

you roll your eyes, sparing him a teary laugh. 

“i do not.” 

“yes, you do. but anyways–” 

“no i don’t!” 

“baby, i’ve watched you sleep. your mouth is wide open, like you’re going to catch flies.” 

“okay, edward cullen. why are you watching me sleep?” 

sukuna smiles. 

“you look at peace. i love it.” 

you shake your head, as he continues. 

“you…you drive me crazy.” 

he drops his hands down your back, the touch making you shiver. 

“but you’re going to call the shots. we’re...we’re going to do what you like. when you’re ready for it and –” 

“i meant what i said earlier. i’m ready.” you state.

“i’d wait years if you needed me to.” 

you smile. 

“i know. but i want you too. and– you…you’re everything to me.” 

sukuna smiles back. 

“never want you to put your own needs to the side for me, ‘kay? i’d never expect you to do that. you don’t need to sit in sweltering cars or…or get up from bed for me. i’ll always be there after – washing your hair and tucking you into bed and –” 

you lean forward, cupping his face, as you press a kiss to his lips. it’s warm and sweet, mixed with a mess of your tears – and him murmuring against your lips. 

“angel–” he whispers.

“what?” you murmur back, whispering onto his lips.

“i’ll write you hundreds of letters. i’ll buy you nice gifts on our anniversary and it’ll be just you and me. make you a playlist with all my favorite songs, listen to all of yours. i'll even get a shitty cat if you want one that bad.” 

you pull back, shifting your gaze from his left eye to the right and then back to the left. it’s the jump again – the same one you made last time. 

when you promise someone your heart, when you begin to cross your heart on someone else’s. 

"cat? really?"

sukuna glares.

"of course that's what you fixate on."

you smile.

“do you really mean it?” 

sukuna reaches forward, crossing on your chest. you return the gesture. 

“always. you’re everything to me.” 

you poke at his dimples. you’ll leap – for him. 

“does this change things?” you ask.

sukuna pulls you closer. 

“it helps me understand you better. makes me love you more, because you’re the strongest person i know. has me filled with pride because you won’t let bad things, or experiences, change how good your heart is.” 

you lean forward, cupping his face in your hands. 

“don’t flatter me. you’re going to make it impossible for me to leave, ryomen.” 

you can see it – the glint in his eyes when you use his given name. and the ear splitting smile that follows makes you ache as he leans forward and closes the gap. 

“that sounds like the perfect scenario to me.” 

--

the following morning, sukuna leaves early for work. but you find a perfectly plated breakfast and a letter sitting on the counter. 

seven pages worth of sukuna and his sweet words – and an embarrassingly cute story about the camping trip you took years ago. 

(you ask satoru to corroborate the story after. and he spells it out in full detail, about how in his drunkenness, sukuna told the group of them about your night together in the camping bag.)

Chapter 12: picnic

 

dear head of the cullen clan, 

keep evening plans open – im getting off work early and we’re going on a picnic. 

coldest regards, 
the head of the volturi 

(ps. am expecting a very wholehearted appreciation for the fact that it’s coldest regards and not warmest regards, because they are, in fact, vampires and therefore cold. because they don’t have a heart and such.) 

(extra ps. this is a link to a shared spotify playlist. i’ll add a song and then you add one. we’ll keep it going.) 

 

you snort. 

 

dear aro of the volturi (does he have a last name???), 

so much to unpack in one email, yet again. you really know how to keep a girl on her toes. 

first and foremost, you are SOOOO ran through. so offended that i wasn’t the person who got to put you on to twilight and whoever it was, I HOEP SHE DIES! if you’re team jacob, you’re a freak. 

second, SO VERY FLATTERED that you think i would be carlisle. a little haunting that you think YOU would be aro…but it’s ok cuz former companions to enemies back to lovers in our case would be kind of crazy??? 

third. done and done. i just added a song so hurry up bc i have like ten other songs i want to add and i am #impatient 

see u after work pookie :D, 
carlisle cullen 

(very appreciative of the cold regards. you are a king among men.) 

 

his response back is very prompt. 

 

Never call me pookie again. 

(very offended that you think i’d be stupid enough to be team jacob. and direct your murderous rage towards yuuji and my mom, who forced me to watch it in theaters with them.) 

 

--

you wait for sukuna at the park two blocks down the apartment complex. the sun is hours away from dipping into the horizon, the chilly wind rustling through the trees. you realize now that the red skirt and white sweater might betray you in a few hours but decide that you’ll simply have to steal his jacket when he gets here. 

and you would have already but he’s twenty minutes late.

and while this part of the city is extremely safe, sukuna’s ever constant fear of people attacking you on subway trains and stabbing you in alleyways has instilled an acute fear of strangers in you, which is why you’re gripping the sparkly pink pepper spray he bought you very harshly in your palm right now. 

you think it’s sweet that he bought you a pink one. 

but of course it’s severely ironic that you almost used it on him. 

because he scares the living daylights out of you, by placing his hand around your shoulder from behind. 

“hey. i’m sorry i-” 

“jesus fuck-” 

you instinctively hold the pepper spray up to his face, your hands shaking in front of you. 

“i’ll use it, you pervert!” 

sukuna leans his head to the side, which is when you’re finally able to log that it’s actually him standing in front of you and not a stranger, and you drop your hands in embarrassment. 

“i mean, i’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t doll face but–” 

“oh my god, sukuna. i thought you were trying to rob me!” 

“i’m smarter than that. the only thing inside your purse is lip gloss, which has very little value to me.” sukuna responds, dropping the little basket at his feet and taking the little stalk of flowers out of the top handle. 

“i’ll have you know that it’s actually sold out in every store right now. so you could make bank if you sold it.” 

“don’t tempt me. and for your sake, i’ll accept the apology you didn’t give me for just trying to rob me of my eyesight and for calling me a pervert? i’m getting really tired of the age gap jokes, y/n.” sukuna responds, as he lifts your hands at your sides and places the stalk of flowers in your hand. 

you give him a big smile as you press your nose to the flowers, the scent fresh in your nose. and sukuna props down, setting a billowing white blanket on the ground before he taps the spot next to him and signals for you to sit next to him. 

“who needs eyes?” you joke, as you squeeze his hands and set the flowers down next to the little basket. 

“me, dipshit. how else am i supposed to look at you?” 

you cover your hands with your cheeks as you watch him place all of the little things inside the basket next to you, laying them out perfectly. it’s albeit a weird assortment – two wine glasses, perfectly wrapped sandwiches, a mini-cake, and strawberry lemonade. 

“well, stop perceiving me. this is so weird!” you murmur. 

it’s enough to catch his attention and stop him in his tracks. 

“what?” 

the question makes you pause. and a little embarrassed. it was a little harsh to say while you were joking.

“oh, i mean…i didn’t mean it like that! i was making a joke about perceiving because eyes…vision…and i almost took your vision away! and you perceive with your eyes, because how else would you see…” 

sukuna smiles, before shaking his head, and continuing spilling out the last of the contents – a set of gouache paints and two little small canvases. and he drops to his feet, yanking his shoes off, before sitting flat on the blanket and gesturing for you to join him. 

“there’s no way in hell that was what you meant. but we’ll ignore that for the time being.” sukuna responds, hiking his legs to his chest and gesturing towards the spread he just put out. 

you tilt your head to the side in confusion. 

“you look very pretty today.” sukuna responds. 

“thanks! you too!” 

he narrows his eyes. 

“uh huh. well, pick what we do first. the paint, the sandwiches, or the weird wine glass cake.” 

“the wine glass cake? like from tiktok?” you ask. 

“correct. i’m really bad at…cute dates. so…i did some research.” 

sukuna refuses to look at you. because after admitting it, he’s suddenly busied himself with reading the back of the box of paints, like it’s the most riveting, intriguing thing he’s ever read in his life. 

but the pink flush that’s creeping down his neck betrays him entirely, as you reach forward and push the little box down. and sukuna’s already glaring at you. 

you place your chin on the top of his knees, reaching for one of his hands and smiling. 

“you did research for a date?” 

“you can choke on your spit.” 

you grin. 

“you really know how to turn a girl on.” 

“you’re filthy.” 

you grin. 

“and you’re actually so precious, i–” 

“don’t call me precious, y/n.” he whines, as he reaches forward to flick on your forehead. 

you smile as you sit by his side, tucking the folds of your skirt under your leg as you reach for both of the wine glasses and hand him one. 

“so how humbling was it to have satoru explain all this to you?” you ask. 

he sneers. 

“don’t even ask. he’s like the biggest nuisance i’ve ever met in my life. top ten worst moments of my life.” sukuna responds. 

“i’m flattered you humbled yourself to him for me.” 

“i actually asked suguru. they’re like…two peas in a pod, they can’t do shit without each other. the paints and stuff they gave me and the nice basket too.” 

“that’s sweet of them. remind me to send them something later to thank them.” 

sukuna scoffs. 

“no need. they were more than happy to give it up for you.” 

“ah yes. i hear they’re big fans of this camping bag story. the scouts honor and the fake story we had to tell them makes a lot more sense now.” you respond. 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“okay, you know what? sue me. i was like sixteen sleeping next to a girl for the first time. god forbid i enjoyed myself. and i don’t know why they’re all so hyperfixated on that story because it was a very normal thing to assume when you’re asked that question.”  

you snort. 

“and you say you’re not a pervert…” 

sukuna leans forward, his eyes flitting down to his lips before he looks back up at you. and he can tell that you’re in a mood, that you’re trying to push his buttons by annoying him. 

“you know i despise you right?” he whispers. 

you grin, leaning in. 

“is that right?” you whisper back. 

“oh yeah. you irritate me.” 

there isn’t even a shred of earnestness in the words he’s uttering. you know he doesn’t mean them. 

“keep going.” you respond, as he presses a warm kiss to the side of your cheek. 

“you’re a nuisance.” – a kiss to your forehead. 

“an irritation.” – a kiss to the tip of your nose. 

“like a fucking thorn in my side.” – and a kiss to the sweet spot right in your neck and his hand snaking up your thigh, which makes you nearly keel your head back from the sensation. 

you place your hands on his cheek and pull him back, face flushed and his eyes nearly glazed over. 

“are you crazy?” you whisper. 

“what?” he asks. 

“we’re in public, dumbass. you can’t just start trying to rile me up.” 

sukuna leans back, obliging. 

“so you admit it? i was riling you up?” 

“oh, shut up.” 

you reach for the sandwiches and unpeel one for sukuna. before he takes it, he places a tiny white box in your lap. 

you frown. first the fancy date but the jewelry too? 

“sukuna. you didn’t–” 

“just open it. i’m impatient and i’ve been waiting all day. and i actually think you’ll like it. otherwise, you’re ungrateful and rude and you hate me.” sukuna responds. 

you give him a tight lipped smile before you open the little box and actually smile. 

it’s a dainty silver chain – the exact same as sukuna’s from the chain-links, but the build is a little thinner. and right at the center, a little charm of a star. 

you reach forward for his chain, dangling around his collarbone. and surely enough, in addition to the original charm he had of an interlocked circle, there’s a star charm added right next to it. 

“you always reach for it. when you’re talking or when we’re kissing. figured i’d get you your own since you’re such a big fan.” 

“you are so…” 

“perfect? sexy? the father of your children?” 

“i was thinking adorable. can i answer d for all of the above?” you respond. 

sukuna grins. 

“survey says yes, princess.” he responds. 

you yank the chain from the little box and hand it to him, before turning around for him to secure it on you. his fingers tickle against the nape of your neck, accompanied by a warm kiss, before he taps your shoulders to signify that he’s done. 

“you know. you really are perceiving me right now.” you respond. 

“and how’s that?” 

“i know you’re obsessed with me and pay attention to every word i say.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“obviously.” 

you jab at his side. 

“i mean, i know you’re doing this because i mentioned picnics yesterday and always feeling left out. sure you could put two and two together that he never really bought me any nice gifts or anything when i said he ruined my birthday.” 

“okay, captain obvious. and?” 

you shove him once more, before leaning your head against his shoulder. 

“well, i appreciate it. i know the whole…cutesy painting date isn’t your thing. we won’t have to do it again. and that you…you’re trying to make this whole thing special for me.” 

sukuna scoffs. 

“i’m offended. first and foremost, i always like to eat with you. every time i think that there’s no way you can amaze me more, you find another way to spill food on your clothes.” 

“hey! that’s not true.” 

“you already spilled on the blanket. second, this is a very violent way to eat cake. you literally mess up all the layers by doing that and destroy the piping on the cake which i can admit, i am a fan of. and third, i’m going to paint us as worms, which seems enjoyable to me.” 

you curl your nose. 

“worms?” 

“yeah. what were you going to paint?” 

“i don’t know. but it certainly wasn’t going to be worms. like the park or flowers or something.” 

“boring. i’m going to paint us as slimy worms. and because we made it on this date, you’ll have to agree to put it up in the apartment, even if it’s ugly.” 

“sukuna.” you whine. 

“especially if it’s ugly. it’s a testament to our love.” he responds, dramatically placing his hands on  his chest. 

“you know, you’re so right. worms have been a really defining feature of your relationship.” 

sukuna leans forward and presses a quick kiss to your lips and an additional one on your cheek. 

“you just get me, princess!” 

and he breaks the little joke by lifting one of your hands to his lips, and pressing a kiss on all four of your knuckles before pressing your hand to his cheek. 

“and i have to do special things for a special person.” 

you return the gesture, lifting his tattooed fingers to your lips and doing the same. 

“you know…you’re really good at this type of thing.” you murmur. 

“what do you mean?” 

“i mean, being a boyfriend. and…and being supportive about everything. sometimes i feel like i’m trying really hard to be the best but…just comes naturally to you.” you respond. 

sukuna shrugs. 

“don’t know if i’m perfect but…loving you has always come really easy to me. i don’t really have to think twice about it because these are actually just things i want to do for you.” 

you groan. 

“see! that’s what i’m saying! you always just…say sweet things, do sweet things. sometimes i’m convinced i’m not even half deserving of it, just because sometimes i don’t reciprocate that back.” you respond. 

sukuna leans forward. 

“you know, you actually do though.” 

“as if.” you groan. 

sukuna pauses, before leaning his cheek against the tops of his knees and looking out at the expanse of grass in front of you. you follow his line of vision – to the dog running in the distance, the wide, billowing trees, and the little flower truck on the side – which you now realize is where sukuna copped the flowers from earlier. 

“i mean, this type of thing. that we have, or…or the way i act around you. it means a lot to you because, you…you’ve never had this before. right?” 

“yeah.” 

“well, i haven’t had you before. i know you see me as perfect, but…but when you say that i can tell that you don’t mean it the way my mom or…or yuuji think that i’m perfect. in the untouchable way.” 

you lean forward, cupping the side of his face. 

“sukuna. you’re so touchable.” you joke. 

“you’re disgusting.” 

“you love it.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“yeah, i really do. it does actually mean the world to me that you think i’m perfect how i am and don’t think i’m larger than life.” 

“if anything, your ego could be smaller.” 

sukuna leans forward and presses a kiss to your cheek. 

“and…and even the other day. i know you were acting squirrely and weird when yuuji was near us and heard us bickering, but i was half convinced that you were going to take his side at the end, when he started saying that stuff about me. because it is true and i have acted a certain way in the past…and, you would have every right to agree with him if you wanted to.” 

you frown. 

“no, i wouldn’t. you’ve never treated me like that and i know you’re being earnest when you say these things to me. this would be a very elaborate way to get into my pants if that was what you were trying to do. and i know it’s not.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“that’s what i’m saying. every other person for me has never given me that benefit of the doubt, but you always do. you were the person who thought to tell me that my grandpa died when you all came to get me and you were the one who wasn’t mad at me. the things you do for me are the same, in equal magnitude, as what i do for you. if this makes you feel good, or…or on top of the world, you have to know that’s how you make me feel too. i’m half convinced that you’re basically made for me at this point the way you get everything right on point.” 

you lean forward and press a lingering kiss to his lips. 

“i really think you’re made for me too, ryomen.” 

sukuna groans, dramatically leaning his head back, before nearly pushing you over and peppering kisses to almost every surface on your face. 

“quit fucking saying my name. you have no idea what that does to me.” 

“i mean, i think i have an idea.” 

sukuna clamps his fingers over your mouth, before pressing a few more lingering kisses to your face and pushing off. and subsequently, picks all of the grass out of your hair as you roll your eyes. 

and after that sukuna, admittedly, very aggressively uses the wine glasses to portion off little slices of the cake and makes it a point to finish off yours when you can’t stomach the sweetness. and true to his promise – sukuna paints the two of you as worms, but at the park, stargazing. 

it’s a little silly, the way he paints it. you were expecting it to be more gory or gross, but it’s so corny that it makes you smile. because he draws the two little worms, but distinguishes between the two of you, by swiping some of your pink paint and adding a little ribbon to the one that’s supposed to be you. 

sukuna explains the stars. because before sukuna had dragged you out of that shitty bathroom bar, it’s what megumi and yuuji said in his drunken mess – he had pointed at two little stars and likened them to him and megumi.

and you’re almost positive that at the time, sukuna found it utterly ridiculous. but now, he understood it – the sentiment. that you and sukuna were two little worms, and two stars, and two little flowers too. 

and to his promise, the two of you decide to place the little canvases you drew at the end of the kitchen counter. 

it’s only then that you realize that you have to go the whole ten miles for sukuna the way he had done for you – countless times again. and that if you were going in blind in trying to make something special, you’d have to take a page out of his book and do some research. 

and there was only one person who could really help you, who you’d rather die than humble yourself to than ask for help. 

regardless of that, you still call sammy the next morning.

Notes:

anyways....there is a very real playlist to match the one that they talk about in the fic -- and it matches the way it described in the fic! so it's interleaved, the first song is a song that sukuna would have added, the second one that y/n added, the third sukuna, so on and so forth. it's linked below! happy listening babies

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5nyBwljw2Eyooz9fixVwBZ?si=5a65a6118310405e

Chapter 13: sisters

“so did i grow another head or are you meeting up with sammy later?” 

“what? how did you even know about that?” 

sukuna lazily leans against you, still half asleep, as he breathes into your neck, a string of unintelligible noises coming out of his throat. you can tell that it’s still too early for him – and that your racket or your absence must have woken him up. you reach up, running one of your hands through his hair, before pressing a halfhearted kiss to his cheek and returning to your typing. 

“google calendar.” sukuna responds. 

you smile. 

“i didn’t realize you actually looked at that.” 

sukuna reaches forward, slamming the screen of your computer down, as you roll your eyes and lean against him. 

“sukuna.” 

“you can study in bed, y’know.” he responds. 

“that’ll distract you, with the typing and the shuffling of papers and all that.” 

“well, it’s already fucking distracting when i wake up and you’re not next to me, so…same shit.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“stop being dramatic. i could easily spend the weekend at my own place and you’d sleep just fine.” you respond. 

“no, i wouldn’t. you basically live here now, i’d obviously notice if you just disappeared.” he deadpans. 

you pause, clutching your pencil in your hand, before spinning it around in your palm. you can feel sukuna lean off of you, your silence clueing him in, as he now intently stares at you with his brown eyes, drowning in irritation. he’s clearly awake now. 

“what are you thinking about?” he asks. 

“nothing.” 

“well, it’s certainly not nothing. and i’m almost positive it’s something annoying because you’re not telling me.” he responds, poking into your cheek. 

you sigh. 

“should i be paying rent? because…i really am here all the time…s’kind of unfair if you’re the one paying for the place when i stole all of your closet space and your bed and –” 

“you’re making it sound like you’re such a nuisance to me. contrary to your beliefs, i actually love that you’re using my closet and that you take my jackets sometimes. and in my opinion, the only place you should be is in my bed anyway, so.” 

sukuna can tell that you’re not really buying it. 

“can you let me cover our groceries? i literally eat all of your food too. and –” 

“it’s our food. i made it for you.” he complains. 

“i’m probably emptying out your bank account and you’re just letting me. you should just –” 

sukuna reaches for your legs, before sliding you sideways on the chair so that you’re facing him. and he takes his residence in between your legs, cupping his hands around your face, and angling your chin up so that you’re looking at him. 

“you’re about to graduate. how about…you start splitting rent with me when you aren’t living in your dorm and you’re officially living with me? it doesn’t make sense to pay for two places right now.” 

you bite down on the softness of your cheek. 

“are you…asking me to move in with you?”

“you already live here.” he deadpans. 

“no. but then we’d have to put me on the lease. i’d-i’d actually live here live here.” 

“well, were you really thinking about moving back home? you would hate that.” 

“i mean no. but i was going to look for an apartment and roommates and –” 

“i have an apartment right here. i would be a great roommate – i feed you and i kiss you when you’re sad, which seems like a win win to me. but if it feels too fast for you to move in with me in a few months, that’s okay with me. i will help you apartment hunt if it comes to it.” 

you frown. 

“do you think people will judge us for moving in together so fast? i mean, by the time i graduate, it’ll only have been like…like half a year? and we still haven’t –” 

“do you think it’s weird?” 

“i mean, no but –” 

“what other people say doesn’t matter. if you want to live here when june comes around, that’s really no one else’s business. i’m not going to murder you, i won’t be a bad roommate, and that’s kind of all that matters.” 

you smile. 

“do you want to live with me?” 

“you. already. live. here.” he responds. 

“no, but like. joint lease. like actually living here. you know you won’t be able to break up with me for like two years because we’ll be stuck here, right?”

“well, i was obviously not planning on breaking up with you, so that won’t be a problem, will it?” 

you pause. 

“i guess not.” 

sukuna gives you a satisfied smile, before dropping his hand from your face to the chain hanging around your neck. you can’t help but feel your cheeks warm as he admires the little charms on the necklace he gave you, running his fingers over them. 

“what?” you ask. 

“you’re still wearing it.” 

“are you crazy? i have to wear this forever now. i’m never going to take it off.” 

“okay, but…i do take mine to get cleaned every few months so you will eventually have to take it off.” 

you roll your eyes, as you bring one of your hands up to his, and squeeze. 

“so…i’m taking your big avoidance of the question as a confirmation that you really are seeing sammy later?” 

you sigh. 

“yeah. i’ve been trying to make plans with her for two weeks and she was finally able to pencil me in.” 

sukuna pulls up the chair next to you, sitting on it backwards, as he leans his chin against the back of the chair. he’s playing with the rings on your fingers, twisting them back and forth, as he listens. 

“okay, but why? do i have to roam around in the mall at the same time as you guys just to save you in case she’s a bitch?” 

“don’t call her a bitch, sukuna.” you groan. 

sukuna’s eyes widen, as he jokingly presses his hands to your face and starts shaking your head. 

“who are you and what did you do to my girlfriend?” 

you swat his hands off, as you narrow your eyes at him. 

“stop it! i’m just…trying to be nicer to her. you should be too, she’s still my sister.” 

“wow. what brought on this sudden need to reconcile with the devil?” 

“sukuna!” 

“okay, okay, i’m done.” 

you pause, leaning your cheek against the cold tile of the kitchen island. it bites into your skin, the shrill cold making the hairs on the ends of your arm stand up. 

“you know how we hate that yuuji is so…so one track minded when it comes to you and me? how he kind of pushes his own feelings into what he thinks about us and that…that a lot of them are really immature things from when you guys were kids?” 

“yeah.” 

“it would be hypocritical of me to hate yuuji for doing that when i do the same thing to my own sister.” 

sukuna raises his eyebrows. 

“do you?” 

“i think so. i’m just…i don’t know. i feel like dating you has made me more self aware.” 

“well, obviously. i’m the epitome of emotional intelligence.” 

“shut up! i was just saying because…well, i know why yuuji harbors so much dislike for you now that you’re dating me.”  

sukuna pauses, leaning forward like he’ll almost miss it if he isn’t close enough to hear it. 

“he thought it was really careless when you left for europe, that you just thought about yourself and no one else. he thought it was really unfair because he still needed you to be there for him and you weren’t anymore.” 

sukuna can feel the guilt pooling in his chest. 

“but now that i’m dating you…and i know why you left, i feel like he’s really immature. i know that yuuji needed you but you were still a kid too. it wasn’t your responsibility to take care of him and he can’t get mad at you for that. you were your own person and you picked what was right for you.” 

sukuna reaches forward and cups one of your cheeks. you lean into the warmth of his hand, before pressing a kiss to his palm. 

“that’s why i hated sammy. that she would try to be fake and act like she was the best, when i knew she was getting drunk every weekend in highschool. i…i was always embarrassed because really, i just wanted her to take care of me the way you took care of yuuji. but that wasn’t her job and really, she still did that when it really mattered, anyways.” 

“what do you mean?” 

“that time i told you about, where i got caught in that car with mazzy and got in trouble. they called my mom, but…but sammy was the one who picked up. she was the one who came and got me and i had to tell her everything. i was expecting for her to tell me what everyone kind of did at that time, that he was a bad guy so what did i expect from being with him?” 

“but?” 

“but she just took me home and told me to take a shower. made me a really nice dinner. it meant a lot to me at the time, i-i basically started sobbing when she handed me my food because it just felt so nice to be around someone who just wanted to take care of me. she never even asked me twice about it, just…just kind of did what i needed.”  

sukuna presses a kiss to the top of your knuckles. 

“we’re older now. i want us to be better and just…be friends at least? i don’t know, i just think i’ve been really unfair to her when i’ve never even stopped to ask her if she needed anything from me.” 

“well, you can start by asking her today.” sukuna offers. 

you smile. 

“yeah. yeah, i can.” 

sukuna leans forward and presses a kiss to your forehead. 

“so what i’m hearing is…i’m the best, most self aware boyfriend ever who –” 

“oh, calm down, narcissus. just when i think your ego can’t get bigger you go and start staying stuff like that.” 

--

you wait for sammy across from the little donut shop at the mall. you get a set of two donuts – a maple bar for her and a sugar one for you – as you swing your legs over the bench and rehearse your little script in your head. 

it felt a little evil given the conversation you had with sukuna earlier in the day, but you had a favor you desperately needed to ask her. 

and surely enough, she comes right on time, hands shoved in her pockets as she gives you a halfhearted smile. you jump up, unsure if you should hug her or shake hands and then there’s too much of a pause when you don’t say anything. 

“are you okay?” she asks.

“hm? yeah! yeah. how are you? also, i got you a donut. and it’s maple, your favorite! and –” 

you pause – too much. but she fills the silence. 

“you’re rambling.” she states, as she plops down on the bench. 

she shoots you a grateful smile as she picks up the donut from the box, perfectly wrapped in the napkin, and takes a bite out of it. you mimic her motions, maybe scarfing down yours faster than you should have, from the nervousness. 

she hates you. 

“jesus. is this the first time you ate today? do i have to slap sukuna for not feeding my little sister properly?” 

sammy reaches forward, an annoyed look on her face, as she wipes away the sugar around the edges of your mouth – and you shoot her a grateful smile, that she halfheartedly acknowledges, as you lean back on the bench. 

“how’d you know about sukuna?” 

sammy rolls her eyes. 

“kisa. she was going on and on about how the ryomen sukuna is dating sammy’s little sister. half of the town knows by now, including the moms, who are planning to invite you to some big dinner where they start talking about your wedding.” 

“huh? my what?” 

“you should thank me, bitch. they were actually talking about your grandchildren and i told them that they need to tone it back fifty notches or you both won’t ever talk to them again.” 

“well, sukuna definitely won’t if they say that.” 

“tell me about it.” she responds. 

you shoot her a grateful smile, heart warm that she had thought to advocate for you in the slightest, as you prep yourself to say your entire spiel. 

“i asked you a question. is he good to you?” sammy asks. 

“what?” 

“sukuna. is he good to you or do i have to mutilate him?” 

you smile and she returns it back, leaning back in her chair and hiking her legs to her chest. 

“really good. i really love him.” you respond. 

sammy smiles. 

“i know.” 

“what do you mean you know?” 

“first and foremost, that poor kid has been so hopelessly wet in his pants for you since he was like a kid. do you remember that one birthday where he got you a bike that he built from scratch? second, i did hear him call you a pretty girl that one dinner he came to right before you started chewing him out.” 

you cringe. 

“oh god. we’re not actually like that – i was being really stupid that day. i just…” 

“no, it was really funny. he came back looking like a kicked dog when mom asked him to leave.” 

you smile. 

“i bet.” 

you pause. you had to be honest. 

“we actually don’t fight that much, that was just one of the rare times. i just got kind of jealous. of you. when the moms were suggesting that you date him and you were buying into it. i thought he was actually going to do it and i just…got irritated and yelled at him. and trust me, i was even worse when we got home before i calmed down, so…” 

sammy scoffs. 

“i don’t want to date your boyfriend.” 

“i know! it…it was my problem. i clearly have issues with insecurities, especially when it comes to you because of how the moms were sometimes, and i know that it’s my fault.” 

sammy raises her eyes.

“what?” 

“well, i don’t know. i mean, i feel like i’ve had big problems with what people have thought of me since i was a kid. but i always felt like they liked you better, and that because they liked you they couldn’t like me, and sometimes it made me resent you. and it was unfair, because, because…that’s not really your fault.” 

sammy sighs, before demolishing her donut by splitting it in half. 

“well, that’s not entirely true.” 

“hm?” 

“that’s not true. sometimes…i did do it on purpose. sometimes, i got a kick out of the fact that for once that…someone liked me instead of you.” 

“you’re kidding.” you deadpan. 

“i’m really not though. because you tend to forget, that i didn’t have friends like you did when you were a kid. you met yuuji the first day we moved into that house. sukuna basically followed you around after that. the three of you were friends and…and i was never included. so if the parents were the ones who liked to be around me, then…then that’s where i was going to be.” 

you pause.

the worst part of it was that sammy was always your dad’s favorite. and he’s the one who picked up and left. 

“you forget that your best friend before yuuji was me, y/n. i’m sorry that i was a bitch to you and maybe made some of your insecurities worse…but you did it to me first. i wasn’t exactly mature at that age so i just…that’s just what i did.” 

you lean back, unable to stop thinking about it now. that when you and yuuji wanted to go to the park, sukuna was always the one who took you guys – and that sammy was the one who stayed behind. how you really can’t remember a time where it was ever the four of you, but hundreds of times that sukuna had followed behind you and yuuji under the guise of taking care of you. 

and then you feel horrible. because every time you got drunk in highschool, yuuji was always there covering for you, making sure that you made it home safe with water and aspirin in your system, when you almost always found sammy half passed out on the porch before you had to drag her back into the house before your mom noticed. 

that maybe, sammy knew exactly how to take care of you that night she had to pick you up, because it was exactly what she had been longing for someone to do for her. 

“i’m a really shitty sister, aren’t i?” you ask.  

“yeah. but i am too, so…can’t really blame yourself there.” 

“are you? because…because i literally abandoned you.” 

“and i took it out on you and your friends after the fact so, relax. we’re both shitty people, it’s not a big deal.” 

you pause. you suppose that she’s right. 

“i was going to ask something really cheesy but i know you’d get really annoyed.” you state. 

sammy curls her nose up in disgust. 

“like what?” 

“well, i was going to ask if we were going to be friends now? and –” 

“you exercised the correct judgment. that’s disgusting, y/n.” 

but then sammy brings her hand up and rests it against the top of your head, before brushing the stray hairs around your face to the backs of your ears. and you smile, feeling so oddly taken care of that it makes your heart warm. 

“god. he really is good for you, isn’t he?” 

“who?”

“pablo picasso. obviously, sukuna.” sammy responds, tone bitingly sarcastic. 

“why do you say that?” 

“dunno. we’re hanging out right now. talking about our feelings. if he makes you realize that you’re jealous of me and indirectly makes us talk about our…whatever…then he must be good for you. that and the fact that he’s been obsessed with you since forever so, he must be on top of the world.” 

you smile. 

“i don’t know. i kind of thought that some part of me was…ruined after what happened back then. like i came with this big thing that someone else would have to come to terms with if they were going to be with me.” 

sammy glares at you, but you can tell that it’s laced with concern. that she thinks you’re being stupid. 

“what?” 

“i just mean. i always knew i’d have problems from my past relationship in my current one. and that maybe someone wouldn’t love me enough to be patient, because i would struggle so much.” 

sammy sighs. 

“but?” 

“but, he’s so patient. sammy, sometimes i don’t even know what i did to deserve him. he’s…he does things just because he knows they’ll make me happy, even if he hates them, and…and he’s always so understanding about everything. he never pushes, he’s always so sweet and just –” 

“it’s what you deserve.” 

“what?” 

“it’s what you should have had the first time.” sammy states. 

you pause.

“yeah. but it almost makes me more grateful for him now. it’s almost like…i had to know the bad to really appreciate the good? and it makes it sweater? i don’t know, i obviously wouldn’t have wanted it to happen if i had the choice, but i’m just really…really grateful for him.” you respond. 

“i’m sure that means the world to him.” 

“what do you mean?” 

sammy nearly cringes. 

“well, you know how his dad was. i’m sure it makes his entire life that someone actually appreciates him.” 

you nod. 

“i was going to call him after this actually. tell him that if he ever hurts my little sister, who is my friend now, i’m going to cut his dick off. but…same for you. sometimes i forget how much he suffered at the hands of his dad when he was little. he deserves good just as much as you do.” 

you feel a shiver down your spine. on a topic you had yet to broach with sukuna. on the times that he’d fight so bad with his dad that he’d spend the night at your house. and the rare occasions where his dad would raise his hands on sukuna and when you had to watch your mom ice his skin from the door of the kitchen. 

“you’ll cut my dick off?” you murmur. 

sammy snorts. 

“shut up. you know what i meant.” 

sammy pushes up off the bench, as she gestures for you to join her with her head. 

“so what did you need my help with?” sammy asks. 

“huh? how did you know?” 

“you’re annoying. you’re going to be nice to me but you’re also going to ask for a favor.” sammy states. 

“okay, i’m sorry! but i really can’t ask anyone else, all my friends are all…weird about me and sukuna dating so i can’t just be like oh…oh come buy lingerie with me because i have no idea how any of it works.” 

sammy raises her eyebrows, fighting the urge to laugh, as you shove her. 

“shut up. you’re such a bitch.” 

“you guys already hit a short fuse that you need to spice things up? he’s such a dog.” 

“what? no, no we haven’t even done it yet.” 

“what?” 

“well, we had a whole talk. and now that we’ve waited for so long, i want it to be special. for me and him, and…and i want to feel good, okay? not that i think it’ll make me feel good but i just mean it would be nice to do something like that.” 

sammy links her arm in with yours, turning on your heel towards the direction of the store, as she keeps laughing. you can feel the embarrassment in your cheeks, irritated, as you elbow her in the side one again. 

“stop it!” 

“i’m sorry! that’s actually like really cute and fucking romantic. but i can’t just stop laughing at you saying you don’t know how lingerie works.” 

“it looks so complicated online. just so many…straps and stuff.” 

“okay, okay, relax. my girlfriend loves this type of shit, so i’m basically an expert.” 

you try to hide your shock – at sammy saying she has a girlfriend – as she drags you into the store and basically shoves you into a dressing room. 

and surely enough, you leave the mall with a light pink set that she insisted on buying for you and a box of condoms that you swiped on your way out from the convenience store across the street. 

--

sukuna comes home to dim lights and the faint smell of lavender. and shockingly enough, you serving dinner, perfectly plating and garnishing it with the little minced greens. he quickly decides that it’s his favorite sight – your eyebrows scrunched in concentration, drowning in one of his old t-shirts. 

you feel sukuna’s arms wrap around your waist, as he sags nearly his entire weight around your back, and sighs heavily into your shoulder. 

“hi doll face. what’s the occasion?” he murmurs. 

you smile. 

“does there need to be an occasion for me to do something nice for you?” 

“yes. you’re cooking dinner, which is haunting, baby.” 

“fine. you can starve then.” 

sukuna laughs, before pressing lazy kisses into your neck, and loosening the buttons around his collar. 

and throughout the course of the dinner, he can tell that you’re nervous. it would be a little off putting a few months ago, but he knows better by now – that you’re clearly going to ask him something important or say something big to him. and naturally, with how impatient he was, he was going to weasel it out of you. 

“how was sammy?” sukuna asks. 

you smile. 

“good. she said she will cut your dick off if you hurt my feelings.” 

sukuna snorts. 

“i expected as much. did you give any thought to the apartment?” 

“yeah. it makes sense and…and i really don’t care.” 

you reach forward, pressing your hand into the warmth of his cheek, and feel your heart flutter at the smile he gives you back. you can feel the nervous anticipation pooling under your skin, entire body warm at the thought of him sitting across from you. 

“i really love you, you know that?” you whisper. 

sukuna narrows his eyes at you, the whisper of a smile still on his face. 

“are you sure you’re okay? we can talk about anything that’s bothering you if –” 

“no. no, nothing’s bothering me. really. i just really love you.”

sukuna shakes his head, the lightest pink dusting his cheeks. 

“you silly girl.” he scoffs. 

you smile. 

“i love you more. don’t argue back because you won’t win.” 

you shake your head, before reaching into the lining of your underwear, for the condom that you tucked into your skin. and you place it flat on the table, before looking up at him. 

“wow. you’re serving condom for dessert? at least tell me it’s flavored.” he asks. 

you groan, which earns you him a laugh from him. 

“they come flavored?” 

“yeah, but…but it’s weird so don’t buy those. also, don’t buy condoms. that’s my job.” 

“i don’t know how you initiate these type of things!” 

sukuna laughs, before cupping your cheeks with his hands. 

“you’re like a cavewoman. initiating sex by giving me a condom. no foreplay? no kissing?”

“i mean, obviously. but like…we always kind of get close to it. i just wanted you to know that i was ready. and that i…” 

sukuna grins and it’s enough to make your heart drop to your stomach. 

“that you what?” he whispers. 

“you know.” 

sukuna shakes his head, as he reaches for your waist and pulls you off the chair, and starts dragging you towards his room. 

“i don’t know, y/n. you have to tell me, princess.” 

you feel your cheeks burn, as you press your hands to your sides. 

“well…i want you.” 

“is that right?” 

“sukuna.” you whine. 

sukuna locks his hands around your waist, as you lift yours around his neck, nervously crumpling the fabric of his shirt in your hands as you look up at him. 

“i’m done teasing. you just make it so easy, baby.” 

you bite your lip. 

“well, i kind of like it. so you…you don’t have to stop.” 

sukuna smiles, before leaning his forehead against yours. 

“more of that, okay? you tell me what you like, more importantly what you don’t.” sukuna whispers. 

you nod. 

“safe word.” sukuna states. 

“um…worm?” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“and what if i wanted to call you my pretty little worm? then what?” 

“if i take all my clothes off and you even think about calling me a worm, i’m never speaking to you again.” you respond. 

sukuna laughs, before giving you a nod, and leaning forward to close the distance before you. you can tell that he’s moving slow, tiny steps backing you up before you fall back onto the bed, and he’s hovering with his necklace dangling over you. 

and his voice is quiet as he peppers kisses into your cheek and neck, so soft it makes your stomach rumble. 

“just so you know, it does hurt the first time. need you to tell me, don’t feel embarrassed. and i –” 

“i know. i know, i will.” 

sukuna smiles, before hooking his fingers under the fabric of his t-shirt, before he carefully pulls it out from under you. and maybe it’s the sheer embarrassment that you went out of your way to buy lingerie – but you pinch your eyes shut when you catch the realization in his eyes. 

“up.” 

his voices comes out more gravelly than you’ve ever heard it, as you open your eyes, skin burning, as you give him a confused look. 

“sit up, doll. let me look at you.” he whispers, this time more fervent. 

you oblige, sitting up on the edge of the bed, as he kneels onto the ground, hands fixed on your waist, as he looks up at you. you cringe, shrinking your shoulders together, as you look down at him. 

“too much?” you ask. 

sukuna scoffs. 

“are you fucking crazy?” he responds, tone dripping with disbelief. 

sukuna stands up this time, pulling you up with him, as cradles your face with his hands, eyes so sickeningly sweet that it makes you smile. 

“my perfect girl. what did i do to deserve you, huh?” he murmurs. 

“what?” 

“the dinner, the candles. this fucking set you bought. you ruin me, you know that?” 

you shake your head, as he drops his hands, admiring the lace. and he lifts one of his fingers, making the gesture for you to spin, as you oblige, and get a barrage of kisses in response. 

“i’m obsessed, you know that? with this, with you, with your smell.” 

you smile, pulling his face out of the crook of your neck, as you shake your head, and he takes the hint to slow down. you relax into his arms, nervously toying with the buttons on his shirt, as you calm down, trying to ease the nerves, as he presses a chaste kiss to your forehead. 

“i’m guessing you…you like it?” 

“like it? i love it. it’s special to me.” he murmurs. 

you look up at him, as he drops his gaze to yours, lovingly running his hands through your hair. 

“really? you don’t think it’s cheesy right?” 

sukuna shakes his head. 

“s’really special. never had someone put in this much effort to make me feel special. i was supposed to be doing all of this for you, y’know? was planning it all out too.” 

“really?” 

“yeah. was gonna get you a whole weekend getaway for your birthday. whole rose petals on the bed and everything.” 

you laugh. 

“what the fuck is so funny? it’s romantic.” he complains. 

“no, no it’s so cute! but you have to let me be the romantic too sometimes. i wanted to do all of this for you…and me too. i mean, i just –” 

“i understand, princess. you’re perfect.” sukuna responds. 

you pause. 

“you can tell me if you don’t want this right now. i know i made us dinner and made it a whole thing with the outfit, but really, you don’t have to oblige just because i –” 

sukuna responds by closing the distance, lips warm against yours as he pushes you back onto the bed, for a second time. 

--

sukuna brings you two advils when you’re soaking in the bath. you can still feel your blood pulsating under your skin, the tiredness seeping into your bones as you lean back against the tile, with the warmth of the water relaxing your muscles. 

and you can’t help but feel your skin burn when he walks back in – unable to stop thinking about how his head was just nestled in between your legs, of all the sweet nothings leaving his mouth, and the gentle way he carried you here after running the bath for you. 

he crouches down by the side of the tub, holding his hand out for you as you oblige. he lifts the cup to your mouth, refusing to let you hold it, as you down the pills.

“i can’t hold my own glass now?” 

“it's aftercare. shut up.” 

he makes the motion to stand up and you reach out, slapping your wet hand around his wrist and pulling. 

“you okay?” 

“yeah. yeah, but can you stay?” 

sukuna nods, as he sits flat on the tile of the bathroom, leaning his head against the side of the bath. he was intent on giving you the time to process and relax, despite the fact that he wanted nothing more to stay there, to possibly never leave your side again, and is pleasantly surprised by your request. 

“bath okay?” he asks. 

“yeah. thanks. for the pills too.” 

“promise it’ll hurt less next time, yeah?” sukuna murmurs. 

you nod, poking at the little indents of his dimples. you can’t help but admire him, the lightest sheen of sweat still stuck to his forehead, at the arch of his back and the tattoos littered over his skin as he lazily places his hand in the water and lets the soap run through his fingers. 

“did you like it?” sukuna asks. 

“are you a nut job?” 

“i mean, what did you like? just so i keep it in mind for next time. s’my job to make you feel good, y’know?” 

you smile, before feeling your chest ache. 

“all of it.” you respond. 

sukuna shakes his head. 

“nope. specifics.” 

you lean back, absentmindedly running your hands through his hair, as you think it over. 

“well, i liked it when you would hold my hand. it made me feel really comfortable…and when you would ask before doing something different.” 

“uh huh. what else?” 

“um…the stuff you called me.” 

sukuna grins. 

“like what?” 

you groan. 

“you know…the usual stuff!” 

“you like it when i called you my good girl, right? when you were taking me so well?” sukuna asks. 

you can tell that he’s trying to irritate you and lightly splash the water at him. 

“sue me! i like to be praised by my boyfriend!” you respond, glaring at him. 

sukuna shakes his head at you, before reaching for your hands and pressing kisses to your knuckles. the spots he marked on your neck are starting to purple up now, as he reaches down for his own that you left. 

“i liked it when you did this.” sukuna responds. 

you smile. 

“i’ll cover it up before you go to work tomorrow.” 

“i liked all the pretty sounds you made. i go insane when you say my name.” 

you shake your head, before splashing the water at him. 

“quit it.” 

“really. i love it all. i love you.” 

you deflate. sammy’s comment from earlier, the harsh memory of him with his eye purpled over on your dining room table, runs through your mind, as you lean forward, and press a kiss to his shut eyelids. 

“yeah, yeah. i love you too.” 

sukuna smiles, before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the top of your knee.

Chapter 14: the moms

“so was it good?” 

you shove sammy in the side. 

“i don’t have sex and tell, samantha.” you respond, exaggerating every last syllable. 

sammy sticks her tongue out to you in response, before handing you the fork. she was the messiest eater you knew, possibly even worse than yuuji, and she had all but demolished the layers of the triple chocolate cake that the two of you were sharing. 

“would it kill you to eat this like a normal person?” 

“dude, just tell me. this is the fun part about having sex!” 

“what? gossiping about it after?” you ask.  

“obviously.” 

you roll your eyes, before crossing your arms over your chest. 

“well, why don’t you gossip first? you’ve had more sex than i have.” 

“okay, fine. the first time i had sex it was after prom at some random house party. your turn!” 

you give her a glare, which she responds to with a glimmering smile, before gesturing for you to take your turn. that wasn’t the answer you were hoping for when you asked that. 

“well, i made dinner before he came. and he was like…doing the whole teasing thing because he always makes us dinner and not the other way around.” 

“well, i’m shocked you didn’t chop your own hand off during the process.” 

“shut up. anyways, i like initiated it by just giving him the condom.” 

sammy nearly chokes on her bite of the cake. 

“huh?” 

“i just like put it on the table. then he was like going on about how he should be buying the condoms and not me and all that. and even after, he was going off about birth control and plan b and he can buy this one or that one for me and –” 

“as he should. i’d come skin him alive if he didn’t.” 

“yeah but, i just hate when he offers up him money to me sometimes. he won’t let me pay rent, he like so casually offered to pay for grad school if i have to apply again and -” 

“you won’t have to apply again.” 

you shoot her a warning glance, before continuing. 

“i just feel bad. it reminds me a lot of how much mom probably has to pay them back and hasn’t yet. i’ll feel like i’m doing the same thing to him even though he said it doesn’t really matter because i’ll make more money than him down the line and pay him back.” 

sammy pauses. 

“i get what you mean. and it’s not his fault, but maybe he just doesn’t get that…that it’s such a big thing he’s giving away. and you are his girlfriend and you do mean the world to him, but it’s not…” 

“it’s just too much money. i don’t have something liek that to really offer him. i know it’s an investment in me and that he believes in me and that…that i could eventually pay him back, but i just can’t do that i…i just –” 

“well you won’t have to, because you’re going to get in. and if you don’t get in, i will help you apply again. i have a job and you’re my sister.”

you glare at her. 

“i’m serious, y/n. you’re my responsibility and…and you shouldn’t feel bad taking my money to do it. it’s only because i know how strapped you are for money. i know that you’ll really mean to pay it back.” 

“i will pay it all back, though. like the first second i can, i’m going to –” 

sammy leans forward, placing both of her hands on your shoulder and squeezing hard. it’s an almost silly smile that she gives you – and it’s almost like you can see seven year old sammy coming up to the surface. 

“relax. i know you will. and i’ll be waiting for it.” 

you swallow hard. 

“okay fine. fine, fine. you can help me if it gets to that.” 

“okay enough boring talk. was it hot? did you actually orgasm?” sammy asks. 

you curl your nose up in disgust. 

“nice segway.” you deadpan. 

“cmon. he’s hot! i know it was good.” 

you sigh. 

“yes, it was hot. and yes, i did orgasm. twice.” 

sammy always been one for the theatrics. and she’s never one to disappoint – because she’s dramatically clutching her chest and making such shocked faces that it makes you laugh. 

“not one but TWO?” 

you can’t help but smile as she continues her spiel of dramatics and that silent bit of pride – that sukuna was a caring enough partner to actually care about you rather than just himself – simmers up. 

“who was the dom? is he into foreplay? oh…oh did he like the outfit? i bet he probably lost his mind.” 

“him, obviously. but he said that i’m a brat. and yeah he is into it, but he’s kind of always been like that. and he accidentally ripped it because he got too excited but he offered to get me another one and then added that i need lingerie in every existing color on the color spectrum so…” 

“what a dick! i paid for that. and you looked great in it.” 

you reach forward, just close enough where you can wrap your arms around her neck. you can hear her struggling a little, an irritated string of noises coming out of her mouth before you let go. 

“what’s your problem?” 

“i just felt really appreciative of you for a second there.” 

sammy gives you a disgusted look, before cupping the bottom of your chin in her hand. 

“you’re gross, y/n.” 

“you love it!” 

sammy gives you one last glare, before sliding a little pink box over to the side. you shoot her a confused look, before opening it and fighting the urge to laugh. 

it’s a little frosted cupcake, with the word virgin crossed out on it. 

“you’re horrible.” 

“it’s funny!” 

--

“what’s in the box?” sukuna asks. 

sukuna watches as your eyes widen, before you slam the little pink box shut and slide it behind your back. 

you feel your heart sink your chest as sukuna stalks closer, giving you a wide grin, before he stretches his arms – which are irritatingly long – behind you and reaches for it. and before you can even try to snatch it back, he’s turned his back to you as he opens it. 

“who gave you this? or is this just something you bought yourself?” 

“why the hell would i buy that for myself?” 

sukuna laughs as he hands you the box back, which you tuck closer to your chest before you glare at him. 

“it’s okay to celebrate big milestones in our relationship. i get it, sweetheart.” he responds. 

“i did not buy myself a cupcake with the word virgin crossed out on it. sammy gave it to me. she thinks she’s hilarious.” 

sukuna shrugs. 

“you’ve been hanging out with sammy a lot.” 

you smile. 

“dunno. she always invites me to come get coffee with her. the other day i asked her to come study with me and it was really nice.” 

“and you talk about how you’re not a virgin over a matcha while you hang out.” 

you grin. 

“it was actually a slice of cake.” 

sukuna dismissively shakes his head, before leaning his head over your shoulder and eyeing the cupcake. 

“what flavor?” 

“chocolate. you’re not going to like it.” 

he’s leaning over your shoulder, sticking his finger straight into the frosting before licking it off his finger. you watch as he curls his face in disgust as he holds his finger out to you. 

“too sweet. want it?” 

you swipe the rest of the frosting off of his finger as you tuck the box back into the fridge and turn around to sukuna smirking at you. you roll your eyes as you shove him, knowing that this was going to be yet another one of his dirty jokes – that never seemed to cease. 

it’s at that point that you realize that he entirely did it on purpose. and that he had the maturity of a seventeen year old boy at times. 

“you’re immature. i just licked your finger.” you state. 

“you just licked my finger? like you just licked my –” 

you flip him off, earning you a laugh from him, before he wraps his arms around your waist, this time pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. it’s not long before he starts leaving wet kisses on your neck, before you can feel your entire body start to thrum under his touch. 

“c'mon. you’re so tense. let me fix it.” he whispers. 

“i need to iron our clothes. and i’m just worried about later, with the moms, that’s all.” 

his breath tickles as he leans lower, now sucking into the soft spots of your neck, as you whine – his voice rasping against your skin. you try to shake him off, already sporting three marks that you’d need to cover up for tonight, but he persists. 

“who cares?” he murmurs. 

you pout. 

“i care! she’s your mom! she’s my mom! and sammy said they invited yuuji, who is probably going to be pissed that i was going there without him in the first place. and your dad is going to be there which is –” 

sukuna spins you around, tucking his hand under your chin. 

“i don’t give a fuck what my dad thinks. neither should you.” 

“i don’t. but, he…” 

“what?” 

“he says stuff. about yuuji when we go. he could say it about us too, about you.” 

“i don’t care.” 

“well, i do. who gives him the right?”

it was a simmering irritation that had been taking residence in your head for the past few days. you’d always thought it was a little crass – sukuna’s comments about how his mom was spineless at times, how he couldn’t care less if his father lived or died. 

he’d always found your insistence to see your parents at least every two weeks ridiculous, that you and yuuji would go out of your way to trek out there to see them when the entire experience was wholly unpleasant anyways. 

but it was all you thought about now – and maybe even a little haunting that now you found his reasoning sound. that as much as you loved his mom, she really was spineless for making him assume so much responsibility when it should have been her. and his dad – that you would actually prefer it if he did die, just to save the two of them from getting hurt. 

sukuna lifts his hands and squishes your cheeks, so close together that you can’t get a word out. you glare at him in response – irritated that he always seems to somehow shut you up before you can even broach the topic. 

but you drop it, like you almost always do, because all he does is brightly smile at you in response, muttering under his breath about how squishy your cheeks are. and it feels wrong – to curb someone who was so happy and bring up such a sore topic…especially when you two would probably return to the apartment downtrodden in a few hours and have to talk about it anyways. 

“sukuna.” 

he reaches up, rubbing his thumb into your forehead – a gesture he always did when he was trying to get you to stop frowning. 

“eh? what happened to calling me ryomen?” 

“well, you’re being annoying.” 

“quit making that frowny face.” 

“i’m just saying that i want dinner to go well. i don’t want it to go bad because then the moms are going to be upset and yuuji could be too which will be irritating for you and i just –” 

sukuna gives you one lingering kiss before pulling back and resting his forehead against yours. 

“love that you worry about me. but i’ll be fine. just drop it, okay?” he whispers. 

you frown. 

“okay. but the first sign of trouble we’re leaving. three squeezes we fight and leave, two squeezes for shut up and stay.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“deal, pretty girl.” 

--

you stand on the cobblestone walkway for five minutes. mainly because every time sukuna makes an effort to drag you into the house, you pull back on his hand and linger there for a few more seconds, refusing to walk in. 

“we’re already late. one of them is probably having an aneurysm right now.” sukuna states. 

“there’s no way they aren’t watching this all go down from the window. and two more minutes. i’m just trying to compose myself.” 

“well, unfortunately, we’re not in the fucking orchestra, baby. let’s just get it over with.” 

you roll your eyes at him and he tries again – pulling your arm forward – before you pull back. you appreciate that he refuses to walk in without you, but that simmering pool of disgust in your stomach, mainly for sukuna’s dad, was getting even worse now that you were here. and if you went now, you wouldn’t keep the promise you two had made. 

to avoid fights, at all costs. 

“so what are we doing out here?” 

you both turn your heads to find yuuji at your sides, both immediately dropping your hands from one another’s, as you look at him. it fills an ache in your chest – that you used to do this with him and he barely even wanted to see you these days – as you give him a halfhearted smile. 

“ah. just nervous to go in, that’s all.” you respond. 

“oh, the moms will be dying to hear all the details. what’s there to be scared of?” 

“exactly that. that they’re going to ask for details.” 

yuuji leans his head back, laughing like a little kid, before shaking his head and pressing his hands to your shoulders. it fills you with the slightest amount of ease – warm hands on your shoulders, his musky cologne filling your nose – as you walk closer to the door.  

sukuna knocks on the door for the three of you. and they both answer the door in a split second, confirming your suspicions that they really were watching everything go down from the window. 

it’s suffocating – the group hug that the two of them trap you all in. you can hear both yuuji and sukuna groaning in your ears, your own windpipe constricted from your vantage point in the middle, as you hear a string of sweet nothings coming out of their mouths. 

“our little love birds are here!” 

when they let go, freeing the three of you from their deathly grasp, they’re both beaming at you and sukuna so lovingly that it almost freaks you out. you shoot a look to yuuji at your side, whose making his best efforts not to laugh, as he walks past the four of you into the kitchen. 

“okay, okay, let’s see it then!” your mom states. 

“see what?” sukuna asks.   

“do something sweet. give her a kiss, sukuna!” mrs. itadori adds. 

“i will most definitely not be doing that.” sukuna responds, pressing a halfhearted kiss to his mom’s cheek before linking his arm in with yours and dragging you past the two of them. 

they both follow, like overzealous dogs, as you shoot them polite smiles. but the second you catch sight of sammy in the kitchen, with a batch of cupcakes, you wrestle out of sukuna’s grasp to run up to her. 

sammy gives you a smile in recognition when she realizes it’s your pounding steps that she’s hearing and opens her arms up for you. it’s a warm hug – a sickeningly sweet smell of sugar emanating from her – as she whispers into your ear, the two of you snickering. 

“did he like my cupcake?” 

“i hope you die, bitch.” 

“who said that?” your mom asks. 

“sammy.” you respond. 

“y/n.” sammy responds, at the exact same time.

you both snicker as you lean against the counter with her, as sukuna walks over with his arms crossed against his chest. 

“samantha.” he states. 

“ryomen sukuna.” she responds. 

“y/n!” you add. 

the two of them look over at you, irritated looks on their faces. 

“everyone was saying each other’s names really dramatically. i wanted to join in.” you add. 

“i’m going to have a talk with you after dinner, ryomen.” 

“fine, samantha. i look forward to it.” 

despite the rather dramatic and overzealous tones they’re both using, their smiles deceive them entirely. sammy gives him a light shove, that he fully returns, before he walks off into the kitchen. 

and not even two minutes later, you can’t help but abandon helping the sammy with the dishes and instead poke your head out to the table – where sukuna’s now sitting next to yuuji and two seats away from his dad. 

you can tell that the sukuna and yuuji are whispering under their breaths, but entirely unable to discern if it’s pleasant or if they’re two seconds away from ripping each other’s heads off. 

sammy slaps you on the backside of the head. 

“you’re even worse than him. why are you staring at him? you literally live together.” 

“we don’t live together. and how do you even know that?” 

“you told me.” 

“i totally didn’t, but…they’ve been fighting since we started dating. i’m scared one of them is going to smack the other at this point.” 

sammy rolls her eyes. 

“don’t tell me yuuji has some weird complex about you dating his brother. there’s no way he didn’t know sukuna has liked you this entire time.” 

“what are you girls whispering about?” your mom asks. 

you both shoot up, abandoning the door, as you start stacking the plates, shooting the two of them a peachy smile. 

“nothing, mommy. just girl stuff.” you mutter. 

“y/n was staring at sukuna. i was telling her that she has all the time in the world to do that and that she should help me instead.” 

you shoot sammy a glare, as she starts laughing behind her hand, before sukuna’s mom walks up to you, cupping both of your cheeks in her hands. you’re caught off guard by the blatant affection – because it’s not that she hasn’t been fond of you before, but it holds too much of a different weight now. 

“oh sweet girl. i’m so happy for you two, i’ve always known he’s had such a special spot for you.” 

you smile as she reaches forward and presses a wet kiss to your cheek, before wrapping you in one of the tightest hugs to man. you can feel the blood rushing to your head, nervousness returning in full flesh as she lets you go and smiles. 

“so everyone tells me! at this point, it feels like everyone knew but me.” you add. 

“do you remember when he walked to a grocery store to get you a princess bandaid because you thought the tan ones were boring? because i personally remember that and thought –” 

“sammy, quit it. don’t tease your sister.” your mom scolds. 

sammy bites down on her cheeks at the comment, at being berated by your mom, as you frown. you look at her over your shoulder, shaking your head in dismissal, as you grab the last of the dishes and drag them out to the table. 

it was a weird test – the dinner tonight. between you and sammy, since you had just rekindled whatever relationship it was you had, and you and yuuji, since he couldn’t seem to be bothered to really talk to you these days. and between your god given patience and sukuna’s dad, obviously. 

when you walk into the room, sukuna shuffles a seat over, offering you the spot in between him and yuuji, and you shoot him a grateful smile. but you immediately regret sliding into it, realizing that he’s now stuck right next to his dad and across from his mom at the other side.

you reach for sukuna’s hand under the table and he laces his fingers in with yours. when he looks up at you, he frowns and presses his fingers to your cheek. 

“you have a lipstick mark.” sukuna states, rubbing into the softness of your cheek. 

“oh. your mom kissed me.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“irritating. that’s my thing.” 

sukuna drops his hand as your mom walks in with the last of the plates, everyone shuffling into their seats and giving each other peachy smiles. it’s almost awkward at first, because no one seems to really talk with anyone else. it’s really only the moms interjecting every one in a while, but it’s almost always awkward comments. 

“sammy. you should have brought your boyfriend.” your mom states. 

you shoot your head up. 

“he’s busy.” she responds. 

“he’s always busy. we’d love to meet the guy you spend so much time with. he could even be friends with sukuna!” 

“well, sukuna is annoying, so i doubt it. but sure, sure. next time.” sammy responds, reaching for her glass and downing half of the water in it. 

you shoot her a smile, which she doesn’t really return, as you bite down into the side of your cheek.

the dinner goes well, considering things. it’s obviously very awkward – and they ask way too many overbearing questions that sukuna refuses to answer due to the intrusion. and that you can’t stomach answering either, because yuuji’s almost too attentive eyes at your side guilt you into not confessing. 

“have you guys said i love you yet?” mrs. itadori asks. 

“mom.” sukuna groans.

you two shoot each other a look. 

“if you must know, we have. now talk about something else, literally anything else.” sukuna responds, making such an aggressive cut into his chicken that it loudly clinks against the ceramic of the plate. 

it’s enough to satiate the moms and throw them into their own frenzy of excitement. 

“i’m going to get some water.” yuuji states. 

“i’ll come with!” you respond, shooting him a smile as you both awkwardly pull out of the chairs. 

it’s a quiet walk to the kitchen, as yuuji rummages through the cabinets and produces a glass for the two of you. but luckily enough for you, he’s the one who fills the silence first. 

“i miss you.” he offers. 

you feel your chest clench. 

“really? i really miss you too.” 

“got no time for me anymore now that you’ve got a boyfriend?” he jokes. 

“that’s rich coming from you.” you joke back. 

except when you look up, he’s looking at you with no semblance of a smile on his face, instead an awkward mix between confusion and irritation. 

“what do you mean by that?” 

“oh! i was just kidding!” 

“were you?” 

“it’s just because you’re always with megumi. and he always used to come to our hangouts, that’s all.” 

“do you have a problem with that?” 

“no. but –” 

“because if you did, you should have just said. i thought we were best friends who told each other everything. including when the other was being a bad friend.” yuuji states. 

“i know. i just felt bad and i didn’t really mind him joining.” 

yuuji sighs, before turning to your side and facing you properly this time. it’s a simmering pool of disgust in your stomach – mainly for yourself – that yuuji had tried to build a bridge and you’d immediately burned it down by making a joke that wasn’t appropriate. 

“look. i don’t like fighting with you. and i really miss you, you…you can even ask megumi. talk about it all the time. we have a lot to talk about, obviously, but –” 

you sigh, reaching forward and opening your arms for him. it’s a bright smile that he gives you – characteristically warm, with the soft wrinkles by his eyes. 

“i miss you too.” 

“i’ll uh…promise to be civil then. if sukuna’s the hill you’re willing to die on, then…then i’ll try to get over it.” 

you smile. 

“really?” 

“are you really that shocked? i’d do anything for you.”

“you gave me a pause there.” you add. 

yuuji frowns, before reaching forward, and affectionately ruffling the side of your hair. 

“i love you, y/n. i’m sorry if i didn’t make it seem that way, i just –” 

“i know you love me. i just thought you trusted me more to know i wouldn’t make stupid decisions anymore.” 

yuuji frowns. 

“i don’t think you’re stupid. it was him i didn’t trust.” 

“well, how about you just trust my judgment about him?” 

“i just want you to be with someone who would treat you really well.” 

“and he does treat me really well. i wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t.” 

you reach forward, linking one of your hands in with yuuji’s, and squeeze hard. 

“i appreciate the concern. but i’ll tap out if it’s too much for me.” you affirm. 

yuuji frowns, before halfheartedly shaking his head. 

“i know. just…you’re still my best friend first. you can still come to me if he does something to you…i…i don’t give a shit that he’s my brother.” 

“obviously. you’re my day one.” you respond. 

yuuji gives you a glimmering smile, which you take as a silent win, as you both walk back into the main room. and when you sit back down, sammy shoots you a wide eyed look, before letting her eyes flicker over to sukuna. 

you look over at him at your side, only to find him clenching not only his jaw but his fists under the table. you reach for his leg under the table, squeezing once, which he immediately responds to by taking hold of your hand instead. 

“you’re finally back. don’t you think it’s rude to leave for minutes at a time, y/n, yuuji?” 

you bite down on your lip, feeling the acidic feeling crawl up your throat, as you turn your head to where sukuna’s dad is now staring you down. you shoot sukuna a warning glance, before you swallow the feeling down. 

“i’m sorry. i wasn’t feeling well.” you respond. 

you’re able to cue in that in the few seconds that you and yuuji had stepped into the kitchen, his dad had downed a decent amount of the wine bottle that had been intended for you and sukuna to share. 

and the awkward silence hangs in the air, everyone lowering their heads to focus on pushing their food around on their plate. no one makes an effort to talk again and sukuna’s squeezing your hand so hard that you’re almost positive that he’s cutting your circulation off. 

“what were you and yuuji talking about?” he asks. 

“nothing. we were just getting water, because she wasn’t feeling well.” yuuji responds. 

“right. well, you’re sure there’s nothing going on right? because you’ve always been closer than most.” 

sukuna watches as you and yuuji pinch your eyes shut, the irritation festering in both of your expressions. sukuna remembers that you had mentioned it in passing – that his dad always seemed to suggest that there was something going on between you and yuuji – to avoid talking about megumi. 

“she’s my girlfriend.” sukuna responds. 

“well, like i was saying, you should rethink that.” his dad adds. 

yuuji drops his fork. 

“what?” 

“yuuji, don’t.” sammy whispers. 

“well, i was just saying. if it were me, i would feel strange if my wife was so close with another man. they’ve had hundreds of sleep overs…and you’re really telling me that two teenagers were sleeping in the same bed without doing anything?” 

you feel your eye twitch. 

“and then again, you do have to question her intentions. he makes more money than her, i’m now being told that she lives with him, and…and it begs the question. what does she really bring to the table? at best, student loans?” 

sukuna immediately shoots his head to the left, only to find you looking down at your plate, the strands of your hair obscuring your face. he shakes your hand under the table, only to get two squeezes back. 

no fighting. 

he leans back in his chair, stomach rolling over, only to find yuuji staring bullets into his skin. he gives him a confused look, which only seems to agitate yuuji more. 

“do something.” yuuji whispers. 

“what the hell are you on about? just be quiet.” sukuna responds. 

yuuji slams his utensils down on the plate, before pushing out of his chair. 

“sukuna. help me with the dessert in the kitchen.” yuuji responds, tone scathing. 

you let the two of them shuffle away into the kitchen and restrain yourself from joining them for a full two minutes. but the first shred of a raised voice that you hear is enough to make you push out of your chair and excuse yourself, only to find the two of them glaring at each other. 

“guys…you have to be kidding me.” you state. 

“y/n. you said you would tap out. i think now’s the time.” yuuji states. 

sukuna tilts his head to the side. 

“you said what?” sukuna asks. 

“yuuji. that is in no way what i meant. and why the hell would i tap out?” 

“he’s a dick! sukuna’s letting him talk to you like that and he doesn’t even care.” 

sukuna’s sneering at him. 

“like i said, dipshit, she asked me specifically not to. i actually care enough to listen unlike you.” sukuna responds. 

yuuji’s glaring back. 

“i would never, in good faith, let anyone talk about her like that. maybe that’s the difference between me and you.” 

“you didn’t say shit when we were sitting there.” sukuna states. 

“because you’re supposed to do that. she’s your girlfriend. you should adore her so much that it pisses you off that someone would even raise their voice at her.” 

“and i do. but i love her enough to respect what she wants – which is not fucking fighting in front of our parents, dumbass.” 

yuuji gets a little too close to sukuna and his raised hands make the panic rise up in your chest. you feel a set of footsteps moving before sammy’s standing right at your side, the two of you watching as they continue to argue. 

you refuse to intervene. sukuna was mature enough to deal with it.

“do something.” sammy whispers. 

“what the hell am i supposed to do?” you whisper back. 

“they’re like your little lap dogs. make one stop and the other will follow. mrs. itadori’s like two minutes away from crying.” 

you groan, as sammy gives you a supportive thumbs up, and you inch closer to them. 

it’s the last time you decide to take sammy’s advice. 

because the exact second that you decide to walk closer to them is also when yuuji decides that he’s going to punch sukuna first. except when he pulls his hand back to aim, he backs his fist into your face instead of sukuna’s. 

it’s a burning warmth that’s blooming under your skin, as you clutch your hands to your forehead and block out the light before dropping to your knees. you instinctively try to block the light out as the pulsating rushes under the softness of your eye, the pain sharp. 

you feel your head raise off of the cold tile quickly, sammy’s hands on your cheeks. 

“shit. shit, y/n i’m sorry i didn’t think he’d punch you.” sammy states. 

“sammy, you…you’re such a fucking idiot.” you murmur, in half coherency. 

the first thing that you see in your peripheral vision is sammy and yuuji looking down at you, a warm fear drowning in both of their eyes but with the edges of your vision blurred. you can tell that there’s a slight sheen in yuuji’s eyes, his hands squeezing at your biceps and his voice entirely frantic. 

“y/n. oh my fucking god, i’m so sorry. i didn’t even fucking see you there. i would never fucking hit you.” 

“hey. hey, hey. focus on me.” sammy beckons. 

you avert your gaze to her, now focused on how her fingers seem to be massaging into the back of your head. 

“repeat your name for me.” sammy asks. 

“what? you know my name sammy.” 

“you know where you are?” she asks. 

you can tell what she’s doing. 

“sam, i’m fine. quit doing one of your nursing school exams on me.” 

“follow my finger with your eyes. you hit your head, dumbass.” 

the light is entirely obscured this time, quieting the sharpness of the fluorescent bulb above, when you finally find sukuna in your line of vision, nursing a bag of peas in his hands. he doesn’t say anything, eyes drowning in such guilt that it makes your stomach turn. 

“hey, i’m fine.” you offer.

“sit up for me then doll.” he responds. 

you follow his command, both sammy and yuuji stabilizing you at your side as he brushes his fingers over your eye. you flinch at the sensation, watching as his eyes flicker in hurt, before he presses the peas into the softness of your eyes. he continues to hold it there, before turning to sammy. 

“is she okay, sam?” 

“she didn’t answer all my questions, but i think she was just sassing me. she’s alert but just be on the watch if she gets more confused as she gets home. call me if it gets worse.” sammy offers. 

“anything else i can do besides the ice?” sukuna asks, voice quiet. 

“she’s going to be fine. s’just a bruise. give her an advil for a headache.” sammy responds, reaching forward to ruffle your hair before pressing a kiss to your cheek. 

yuuji takes one of your hands in his, squeezing his hand in yours. 

“y/n, really. i’m so sorry, you have to know that i didn’t mean it.” 

you frown. 

“i know, yuu. no big deal, let’s just…talk about it later, okay? i know it was an accident and…” 

you’re cut off by the feeling of sukuna taking your other hand and squeezing three times. you look over at him, eyes wide. 

“you might not need to tap out yet but i fucking do. can we leave?” he whispers. 

“of course we can. i don’t want to –” 

“i’m getting your bag. stay with sammy.” he responds, gesturing for her to take his place in holding the peas against your face as he stalks out of the room. 

sukuna returns just as fast as he left, bag in his left hand and his right wrapped around your waist as he marches the two of you to the porch. in the few seconds he uses to pull up to the car at the front, you turn to sammy at your side. 

“stay with yuuji. tell him that it’s okay and that he should stay with megumi tonight. i don’t want him to be all upset.” 

“got it. i’ll come by tomorrow, okay?” 

you give her a nod, as she walks you to the passenger side door, where sukuna’s quick to open the door and tuck you into the warmth of the car. 

it’s a quiet ride home. 

--

he’s uncharacteristically inexpressive the second you get back to the apartment. you can tell that it’s not nonchalance – only because he seems to be tending to you so dutifully, but quietly. almost like he can’t muster up something to say. and you can’t think of the right thing either. 

he’s quick to lead you to the bedroom, helping you into your pajamas and carefully pulling the shirt over your injured eye. and even after that, delicately wiping the makeup off of your face, before pressing a real icepack into your eye. 

it’s satisfying to him that you seem to relax under the cooling sensation of the icepack, fluttiern gyur eyes shut like you’re relieved. 

“thanks ryo. i appreciate you taking care of me.” you mumble. 

he lifts his hands up to your neck, using the tips of his fingers to angle your face up so that he can look at you properly in the light. you can see the contempt in his face at the pink swelling now, at how he swallows so hard you can see his adam’s apple bob in his throat. 

“i’m going to kill him.” sukuna whipsers. 

“i don’t care what your dad thinks. i don’t care if he thinks i have nothing to offer you –” 

“not him…i’m talking about fucking yuuij. he fucking punched you, y/n.” 

you cringe. 

“it was an accident.” you respond. 

“i know that. but that’s just the thing. he’s so fucking immature for even attempting to punch me at a family dinner. and as always, he has no fucking awareness of his surroundings or of you, because he just gave you a black eye.” 

you can tell that he’s still simmering – muscles in his neck tense – as you try to diffuse the stiffness and tension. 

“you care so much about little old me?” you joke, giving him a peachy smile. 

he only glares in response. 

“he punched you in your pretty face. stop fucking joking about it. i know how much that shit hurts first hand, y/n, and it's in no way funny to me."

you frown, before standing on your tiptoes to wrap your arms around his neck. he’s quick to return the hug, holding most of your weight around your waist as you sag into him. 

his voice is quiet when it comes out.

"i hate seeing you in pain." he mumbles.

it’s only then that you’re really able to recollect everything – the extremely high energy that the moms seemed to be dishing out, his dad’s clear, abundantly clear disapproval of you, and the fact that you and yuuji seemed to only get farther apart the closer you try to be to him. a

nd that the pinching headache that was starting to settle into the front of your forehead was something sukuna was all to familiar with, at age seven. that maybe the entire ordeal was reminding him of the worst, but that you were at the center of it.

and horribly, it’s a quick thought that passes your mind. that what you and yuujji have going on in between you might be irreparable. that you have to pick, and that you can't fix anything that happened to sukuna when he was little.

you don’t say much at first, only focused on pressing yourself into his skin and leaning against his shoulder. the thought of never recuperating your relationship with yuuji has the tiredness seeping into your bones and wearing you down completely. 

his breaths seem to slow down, muscles relaxing as he only holds you closer, burying his head into the crook of your neck. 

“quit being mad.” you murmur. 

“easier said than done, princess.” he responds. 

“was an accident. i know why it bothers you but...” 

sukuna's quiet, his voice like gravel.

"i don't want to talk about that."

you pull back, immediately regretting mentioning it.

"i'm sorry. i didn't mean to push, i just meant-"

"i know. i just can't stomach reliving that when i can see the bruise on your face. i can't even fucking look at you, you...."

his voice wavers and you press your hand into his cheek, dismissing it.

"whenever you're ready. if you want to."

you frown. sukuna’s quick to pull back and wrap one his hands around your cheek. 

“stop talking about me. you're the one who's hurt, you...you have to let me fix it.” he whispers. 

you can tell that he's trying to change the subject. and that really, some part of him only feels comfortable when he's taking care of someone else. you'll grant it to him for today.

“i’m just tired and that was just a lot with yuuji and i just…” 

you deflate, feeling warm tears rise up in your eyes. that he always wants to take care of you, even when he doesn't feel his best. you can watch as sukuna’s face literally droops, before lifting your face up again. 

that really, he cared about you so earnestly, and yuuji was refusing to see it.

“what is it?” 

“what if yuuji and i are never the same again? what if…what if we just keep getting worse?” 

sukuna frowns. 

“i don’t like that he makes you pick, y/n. but i wouldn’t –” 

“no. no fuck off for a second, god.” 

sukuna’s thrown off by the cursing, as he takes the cue to be quiet and talk. 

“i’d pick you. he’s being a dick and i-i’d always pick you. you’re all the cheesy stuff for me. we’re two stars and two flowers and you…you’re the love of my life. i’d pick you. i just hate that he won’t let me have this thing and how we don’t get to have a big…a big cheesy family who is happy for us besides sammy, who i really love right now.” 

sukuna tucks the stray hair behind your ears, before pressing a kiss to your cheek. 

“it’s not fair! we deserve people who just want to be happy for us, you deserve a good dad who isn’t a dick, i deserve one who is still here, and i’ve always wanted a big wedding and future with a warm family that…that bakes cookies for each other and shit and it just gets more and more obvious that we’ll never get to have that and it makes me angry.” 

sukuna smiles, before pressing his hands to the sides of your waist and lifting you up on to the counter. he takes residence in the spot between your legs, looking up at you with the softest of smiles. 

“i wanted to have a nice dinner where yuuji realized you made me really happy and sammy could admit that she’s bi or a lesbian or experimenting or whatever and i wanted to feel like people really loved me and were finally happy for me after everything that happened.” you add. 

you look down to find sukuna with the smallest whisper of a smile on his face and you can’t help but glare at him. 

“what are you smiling about freak?” you mutter. 

“you want a big cheesy family with me.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“i got hit in the head. let me live.” 

sukuna shakes his head. 

“no take backs, angel.” 

he presses a kiss into the bare skin of your shoulder, before mumbling quietly. 

“no corny family for us, right now. but that doesn’t mean that we can’t make one for ourselves.” 

“hm?” 

“we can make our own big cheesy family. you’d be a really good soccer mom.” 

you snort. 

“you’d run a kindergarten soccer team like it was the military.” you respond. 

“damn right i would. our kid has to be the best.” 

you smile. 

“we’ll be a proper family. you have to make school lunches that every food on the fucking food pyramid in them or whatever and corny notes about how much you love them. and i’ll teach them math and attempt to not make them cry when i help them. we’ll go to shitty concerts together and pretend like it was good and i will obviously fight a snotty nosed child if they ever bother our kids.” 

you poke at his dimples. 

“we’ll rotate on good cop bad cop. i’ll pretend like i’m their favorite when we both know it’ll be you. sammy will be a wine aunt and if yuuji can stop being a fucking bitch, which he will, he’d fucking spoil them rotten.” he adds.

“why are you saying all this?” 

“we’ll make the family we want. s’no point in being upset about it when we’ll have it all. i'll make sure of it.” 

you sigh, before pushing off of the counter and looking up at him. he leans down, pressing a featherlike kiss into the pulsating bruise near your eye, before locking his hands together around your neck. 

“see the vision?” he asks.

“not really. i would hate being a soccer mom. yuuji doesn’t seem like he’s going to let up. and sammy doesn’t like wine, sukuna.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“we’ll get you there. i’ll keep convincing you till you’ll believe it, okay?” 

“are you mad i can’t see it?” 

“no. thought stuff like that was hopeless for me before i met you, so. and fighting with your best friend and hearing shit from people you want more from doesn’t make that easy. but i'll get you there.” 

he reaches forward, tracing a little x over your chest. you give him a nod, before mimicking the same motion on his heart too.

Chapter 15: love of my life

Notes:

CONTENT WARNING: talks of suicide, parent abuse. please read at your own discretion.

sukuna realizes, only in the exact moment that your arms wrap around his waist and he feels you bury your cheek against the bare skin of his back, that he should have known you would have woken up if he left you in bed alone. 

it’s a quiet panic first – to wipe the wetness away from his cheek, to swallow hard enough to make sure that his voice doesn’t waver when he speaks – to make sure that you don’t clock the fact that he was crying. 

“i get why you complain all the time now, ryomen.” you murmur. 

it’s enough to make his heart skip a beat – the soft muffled tone and the sleep still heavy in your voice – as he tries to muster a normal response. 

“and why’s that, princess?” 

“bed is cold without you. i can barely sleep.” 

sukuna turns around, watching as you lazily hook your arms around his torso and lean your head against his shoulder, your eyes still pinched shut from the brightness of the light. he takes the quiet second to observe the bruise by your eye, swollen to its peak, and it nearly makes him cringe. 

he knew all too well that it would puff up for all of today, that there would be a lingering headache for two days, before it started to fade to green and yellow before disappearing at the end of the week. 

“should ice this, doll. does it hurt?” he whispers. 

“it’s okay. lights are kind of bright, but –” 

“take an advil. i’ll get you one.” 

he quickly steadies you out of his embrace, before darting away to the cabinets, rummaging through as he produces a glass of water for you. and you lean against the counter, making the mistake of trying to rub your eyes, forgetting the sensitive spot on the left. 

you hiss at the sensation, which has him turning around with wide eyes. 

“sorry. i rubbed my eyes and i forgot.” 

it’s a quiet laugh that comes out of sukuna, before he walks up to your side, placing the pill in the palm of your hand and the glass in the other. you shoot him a grateful smile – which is when you’re able to clock the rimmed pink around his eyes and the tear streaks on his face. 

you immediately set the glass down, reaching forward and rubbing the side of his cheek, only to have it confirm your suspicions when the wetness transfers to your fingers. 

“hey. what’s wrong?” you whisper. 

he shakes his head as he lifts your left hand closer, insisting that you take the advil. you oblige, quickly swallowing it down with the water, before you hook your hands around his neck. you stand on the tips of your toes, trying to level yourself with his eyes, and insist for the answer again. 

“allergies,” he responds. 

you frown.

“sukuna.” you whine. 

you lean forward, closing the distance between you, as you sag your weight onto his shoulder. you’re not sure what it does for him – rubbing circles into his back, pressing lazy kisses to his shoulder – but it only makes him pull you closer, almost suffocating the air out of you when he squeezes harder. 

“you don’t have to tell me. i just want to know you can if you want to, because i’m ready to listen.” 

“yesterday was a lot for you. we can talk about –” he starts. 

“yesterday was more for you than it was for me. yuuji and i already have plans to go to coffee that he made last night, i have a feeling it’ll go well, and…my eye will heal. sammy and i kind of debriefed everything after on text and her rage weirdly made me feel better. but i know that was a lot for you and that you don’t have a sammy that fixed things for you or yuuji trying to resolve it with you. so i’m fine, i’m just worried about you.” 

sukuna leans back, placing his hands around your waist before he lifts you onto the counter. 

“did you want hot chocolate? i made some.” 

you cringe at the deflection, but turn to the left to find the little saucepan boiling on the stove. 

“just share with me.” 

“okay baby, you say that but then you drink the entire thing.” sukuna deadpans. 

“i won’t. it’s the middle of the night and i know i won’t sleep if i do.” you respond. 

sukuna shrugs, as he tilts the saucepan to the left, and pours it into the mug. he slides it over to you, letting you take the first sip, before you hand it back to him and let him take the next. 

you can’t help but stare at the tear marks. 

it was a rare occasion to see sukuna cry, but not unheard of. it was only when things felt really hopeless in your opinion, that he’d let himself get far enough to cry. or really, when it only felt appropriate or safe for him too. 

you remember in passing that yuuji used to think that sukuna was heartless, because he had never seen him cry before. and now that you think about it, it makes you think about sammy – about how you can’t really recall if she ever cried when you were younger. 

it makes you feel guilty – that she never felt safe enough to. that maybe she felt the need to front like sukuna did for yuuji, that he was so responsible for him that he couldn't show that he was struggling either and maybe she felt that way too. 

“i want to tell you…it’s just that…” 

he pauses. 

“i don’t want you to take it the wrong way. i’m really upset this happened to you, this…this makes me more furious and frustrated than you understand and i…” 

you snort. 

“i have an idea. we were barely two weeks into dating and you punched your boss for me, so..” 

sukuna smiles, before pausing. 

“do you want me to be mad? about yesterday?” he asks. 

you pause. 

“what?” 

“like. like would it upset you if that wasn’t the main thing i was thinking about? like later, if we fought or something, you’d be like…oh i got punched in the face and he wasn’t mad enough about that because he was thinking about his own things? because…” 

“no.” 

sukuna raises his eyebrows, almost like he doesn’t believe you. 

“no.” you confirm. 

you reach for his hands, locking your fingers in with his free one. 

“i know that this is all complicated. that this might bring up bad memories for you.” you whisper. 

you can see the recognition clock on his face, that you know exactly what he’s talking about because you remember, as he gives you a mere nod. sukuna feels like you might know how to read his mind. or that he’s just given so much of himself to you at this point that it’s impossible for you not to. 

“i don’t want you to be mad. i don’t need you to defend me or protect me. i want you to be whatever it is you’re feeling, i want you to talk to someone about this if you never have, and to know that i love you even though –” 

he holds his hand up, pinching his eyes shut, as he starts to shake his head. you stop, leaving the silence hanging between the two of you before he talks again. 

“i’m sorry. i love you but it’s…it’s…” 

his voice starts to shake and the tears rise again in his eyes. and you can tell that he’s trying to swallow it down as hard as he can, trying to push it down, and it makes your chest twist in an unpleasant way. 

“it’s too much to hear, right now. i’m thinking a lot of things and it’s just hard to…” 

“okay. i’m sorry.” 

he winces. 

“fuck. please don’t think i’m turning down your affection or that i’m mad at you. i love you. i love all the sweet things you say to me. i’m just not used to this especially when i feel like this and i –” 

you offer him a smile. 

“i know.” you whisper. 

sukuna pauses before his eyes soften. it’s the same lovesick look in his eyes that he gives you – the almost tangible sign to you that he loves you, in earnest. 

“you know?” he asks, voice cracking. 

you can’t help but frown as you reach forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

“i know it can be a lot when you aren’t used to it. i know it’s not personal. i just hope you know that i will eventually make you reach a point where you…you can accept that from me. i’ll keep trying till i die if i have to.” you state. 

sukuna smiles, before closing the space between the two of you, and placing a lingering kiss on your lips. 

“i cut you off. you were saying something.” you state. 

“yeah. yeah…i was just…” 

sukuna pauses, before he turns around towards one of the back cabinets. it’s a little white package, with his name inscribed on the label that he hands to you. you give him a strange look, as you open up the box, only to find an insane amount of wrapping. 

after ripping all of the tape and paper out, you pull out two little ceramic mugs, flowery designs of pink and green on them. 

“mugs?” 

“i realized all my mugs here are boring. i bought you some and they’re actually like…bridgerton special edition or something. that one is season one and that one is season two. i saw it and just figured you’d like them because –” 

“oh shut up. you’re so cute!” you respond, holding the little mug close to your chest. 

“you’re very easily impressed.” he states. 

“you saw mugs and thought of me! and your mugs are so boring, it’s like you were reading my mind.” 

the thought of you being a mind reader crosses sukuna’s mind again. 

you give him a gleeful smile, which makes his face light up, before he takes them from you and places them to the sides. 

“about the mugs. i just…i couldn’t sleep after you finally did because i was stuck thinking about everything. mainly of what i was going to do tomorrow morning, when you woke up. i texted sammy, she’s going to come for breakfast to check on your eye with her friend. and i was going to make french toast, surprise you with the mugs before you woke up, and…and make hot chocolate the way you like. i even already timed the doordash order because we don’t have marshmallows and i just…” 

you place your hands on his cheeks and squeeze hard. it’s an eye roll that he gives you in response, but you can see the smallest whisper of a smile on his lips. 

“have i ever told you that you’re the love of my life?” 

“that’s a big statement. the love of your entire life? you’re only twenty-two, angel.” 

“love. of. my. life.” you confirm. 

he smiles, shaking his head. 

“you’re so sweet. why would i ever get mad at you thinking that?” you ask. 

sukuna pauses, before dropping his eyes to your hands. you offer him your free hand and nurse the filled mug of hot chocolate in  your free one, as he fiddles with your hands in his, cracking each of the knuckles in your hand. you can tell that he’s trying to think of what it is, trying to word whatever it is that’s in his mind, and you only squeeze his hands in yours as a signal. 

to take his time. 

“the first time my dad hit me, i…” 

you hear sniffling and look up only to find a steady stream of tears pouring out of his eyes. it makes your heart drop in your chest, as you push off of the counter, and wrap your arms around him. he buries his head into your neck, the wetness trickling down your shirt, as you quietly hum into his ears, running your free hand through his hair. 

it takes him a few minutes to compose himself. but you can tell that his panic is tapering when his breaths start slowing down and he starts wiping the wetness on the back of his hand. he pulls back, giving you a shaky nod, as you lean forward and press a kiss to his cheek before he continues. 

“the first time my dad hit me, i was seven.” 

you feel your throat dry. the first time he had come to your house after the fact was when he was twelve. meaning there was five years you hadn’t even thought to consider, to inspect in your memories for signs of it all. 

“no one was home. yuuji had piano and my mom was picking him up and he…he was going through some of my stuff without permission. they were just drawings but i…i can’t remember why i didn’t want him to see. why i was so upset. but i was just was and i started screaming at him and he…he backhand slapped me so hard i fell to the ground.” he murmurs. 

you wince, thinking of sukuna at seven, with his always grumpy face and basketball jerseys getting crumpled onto the ground. you can feel the tears burning in the back of your eye, but try your best to swallow them down. 

“i went to sleep that night and it was the first time i thought about dying.” 

you can feel the air leave your chest. you curl your hand into a fist, your nails indenting the softness of your skin, as you give him a nod to continue. he looks down at your hands and frowns, before uncurling your hands and locking them in with his own. 

“don’t clench your jaw. and don’t ball your hands like that, just…just squeeze my hands instead. i know it’s a lot.” 

it’s a light demand that he gives you and you all but oblige. 

“i am ready to listen, i just…” you start. 

“i nearly broke my own hands listening to you talk about mazzy. it was hard on my heart to know any of that happened.” 

he cups your cheek in his hand, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

“i understand. you’re just so down horrendous for me that it hurts.” he states. 

you glare at him. 

“you’re not even far off by saying that.” you deadpan. 

he smiles. 

“i know.” 

you give him a smile back, nearly shivering from the how bare it felt – the shared understanding that you’re seeming to get now – as he continues. 

“every time it happened, i would think about dying. it was never really concrete, like how i was going to do it or making a plan, but…it would just come back to me. i would think about my own death all the time – how it would feel, how it would make other people feel.” 

he pauses. 

“made me feel guilty sometimes. thinking about it, because i know my mom and yuuji needed me, that it would make you and sammy sad and…and i don’t know. it felt wrong to think about, like…like i was committing a crime.” 

he shrugs. 

“sometimes i’d find something to take my mind off of it. my grades at first, winning all those awards. made me feel good until it was too easy. then…then it was girls. i liked the things they said to me – that i was smart, that i was hot.” 

you snort. he gives you a joking glare, before he continues. 

“but then it would get too far, i would get so disgustingly turned off whenever they tried to tell me they loved me because…because i knew they didn’t. and..” 

he pauses, before his eyes go wide. 

“i love it when you tell me you love me. please don’t ever stop.” 

you smile, before stifling a laugh. 

“i love you.” 

he groans. 

“god, why was that kind of hot?” 

you snort. 

“what?” 

“i don’t know! that was really hot. made my skin fucking…burn or something i don’t know. shut up. i hate you.” 

“i was just doing what you asked.” you clarify. 

“and it turns me on when you’re so obedient. you know that.” 

you shake your head, as he laughs. 

“ew. you’re so gross, sukuna.” 

you both laugh, as you watch sukuna visibly relax. 

you can tell that the jokes, as misplaced as they seem in the conversation, make it easier for him to keep going – that they’re soothing his nerves. 

you can’t lie that it doesn’t do the same for you. it’s overwhelming concern that he isn’t okay, that you need to call someone, but the tiniest shreds of this are small reminders that…that maybe he’s just recounting the memory. that maybe it’s just a considerably smaller part of him now, or that it lives in the past, and just informs who he is now. 

he continues. 

“it got worse. i started bleeding into other things too. i didn’t get basketball captain and that was the first thought that came to mind – that i wanted to die. a girl would stop talking to me because she thought i was a dick and that was the only thing i could think about for days after. it got so bad that…that one time i was at school and i didn’t get my locker combination right the first time. and all i thought about was that i was going to sit in my car, drive home, and forget to make the last turn and just go straight into the light pole.” 

sukuna’s messing with the charms of your necklace, running his hand over the star as he talks. you can tell that…that it’s almost rambling now, that he needs it to keep himself tethered. 

“then those got more vivid. thinking of concrete ways. in my dreams, while i was in class. falling down, falling asleep and never waking up. and whenever i’d fight with my dad, if…if i found out he hit my mom while i was gone, i just…” 

he pauses, before he looks up at you. 

“i only left for europe because i knew i was going to die if i didn’t.” you whisper. 

you nod. 

of course that’s why he left. the only time he physically had to put himself over the two of them. because the pain of him being gone entirely, as opposed to a few years, was the calculated choice he had to make. 

you reach forward, placing your hand on the side of his cheek, as he leans into the touch. 

“i’m glad you didn’t. we all need you here. like, indefinitely.” you whisper. 

he smiles. 

“it did get better after that. i liked being there, i…i met a lot of different people when i was studying there. visited random places just to see what it was like out there, maybe that things were different. i got a therapist after my third week and just, just had my own life. learned my own limits. what i like, what i don’t.” 

you smile. 

“heavy on learning what i did like. i will note that i missed you a lot when i was there.” 

you scoff. 

“liar. you’re just trying to romance me.” 

he rolls his eyes. 

“what’s your computer background?” 

you squint your eyes at him. 

“your computer locksreen. what has it been since you got your first computer?” he asks. 

“monet. the waterlillies.”

“do you know where the waterlilies are in real life?” 

you smile. 

“let me guess. in europe?” 

he smiles back, before lifting your hands to press a kiss to your knuckles. 

“france. musée de l’orangerie. oval rooms, they were put up after monet died.” 

it makes your heart flutter – the way the french falls out of his mouth perfectly. 

“museum of orange?” 

“haha. hilarious.” he responds. 

you grin in response. 

“but really. i heard they were in france. i thought of you and then i had to go see them. i found the exact one – the purple and blue that i had seen on your computer – and all i could think about for the entire week was how you were. how you were a soft spot, how my memories with yuuji were too, and at that basketball park near our house” 

you can feel your chest burning – just from how much you love him. 

“you’ll have to go again. to the waterlillies. but with me this time, okay?” you ask. 

he’s smiling from ear to ear. 

“that’s a promise.” he whispers. 

you lean forward, closing the space between you two. it’s a long kiss – only because every time you try to pull away, he’s just leaning forward so it doesn’t stop. 

“i love you.” he states. 

“me too. more than you know.” you affirm. 

“thanks…thanks for getting it. you…you really are fucking made for me because i don’t get how anyone else would take that.” 

you tilt your head to the side. 

“i don’t get how you think anyone wouldn’t. that’s…that’s normal to think about. to have it come up.” 

sukuna shakes his head. 

“i don’t know. i was just sitting there in bed thinking about it because…because i was planning all that stuff. like calling sammy and the breakfast. and really, if something like this happened years ago when i was here, i’d be thinking of how i wanted to die. and i was just…thinking about what i wanted to do instead. almost like i was looking forward to the next morning, to…to making you feel good and having a good day for us.” 

you smile. 

“i’ve felt that way a lot since i came back. i got nanami a really good birthday gift and i couldn’t wait to give it to him. or when some dumb pop culture thing happens and i see it in the news..it makes satoru so happy when i ask him to explain it that sometimes i find myself looking forward to it. just…reasons to wake up in the morning i guess?” 

“i’m going to tell satoru.” you state. 

“no, you’re not. i’m never talking to you again.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“i don’t know. i figured you’d want me to just think about you after yesterday. a lot of people do and…and most of the time it is just about you, i swear. but i think that…” he starts.

you shake your head. 

“i don’t want you to just think about me. like…if you’re having a sex dream and someone else comes up, i will hate you forever. but it shouldn’t just be me. i want you to have your own life, i want me to have my own, and that we’re just parts of it for each other. and to me…what you told me just sounds like you were making sense of where i fit in with the rest of your life. i would never ever hate that. that’s where i want to be, in there with everything else.” 

sukuna sighs, before leaning his forehead against yours. it’s a long pause before he talks again, but the silence is filled by warm kisses to the side of your face that make your skin singe. 

“did you know that you’re the love of my life?” he whispers. 

you roll your eyes. 

“i said it first.” 

he places his hands around your cheeks, before gently angling your face up so that you’re looking at him. 

“you’re the love of my life. that’s really where you fit in.” sukuna states. 

you can’t help but smile, biting down on the sides of your cheek from the sweetness. 

“you were the first girl i ever liked. the only one i thought about when i was gone. the only one i could ever tell this to. and now i can’t be anywhere except if it’s with you. you’re the love of my life.” 

you smile, before you shake your head. 

“you’re the first guy i ever liked. the only person i ever thought about until you left. you’re the only person i can give myself to. and i…i’m tied to you – you…you can’t get away even if you tried. you’re the love of my life too.” 

he smiles back. 

“i’m not trying.” 

“okay, well it’s a threat. you can’t try.” you joke. 

“i’m not going to.” he whispers, full of sincerity. 

he locks his hand in with yours, before pulling you back towards the bedroom, where you tangle your limbs again until it’s impossible to be closer.

“just one thing before you sleep.” sukuna states. 

“what?” 

“we’re having separate cups of hot chocolate in the morning. you drank the entire fucking cup.”

Chapter 16: roommates

sukuna wakes up to the feeling of your hands running through his hair again, only to find his head entangled in between your criss crossed legs. he’s barely able to make out the contents of the room – the dim light peeking out from underneath the curtains and from the pale red of the alarm clock on the side table barely helping.

“hey. i –” he mumbles.

“sorry if i woke you.” you respond quietly, to which he gives you an almost too aggressive shrug, which you half predicted was coming anyways.

“are you hungry? i can –”

you lightly lift your thumbs and place them on his forehead, pushing him back down against your legs as you shake your head. you can tell that he slightly gives up, surely due to the fact that he really isn’t awake yet, as he looks up at you, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

“slow down. i’ll help you with breakfast, yeah?” you murmur.

“you mean you’ll watch?” he mumbles.

“i’ll watch.” you confirm.

he gives you a small smile.

“how’s your eye, pretty girl?”

you smile.

“better i think. feels less swollen today.”

sukuna pushes up off the bed, only to quickly turn around, cupping his hands around your cheeks as he inspects with his eyes, expression dripping with concern. you reach forward, pressing your thumb into the wrinkles of his forehead, as you try your best to soothe them away.

“you shouldn’t frown so much. it’ll give you wrinkles, grandpa.”

“does it still hurt?”

“eh. it’s okay.”

sukuna gives you a disbelieving look, before hooking his hands under your chin and angling your face up towards him. and the ends of his hair, messily matted against his forehead, tickle your skin, as he leans forward, lightly pressing his lips to the bruised area on your skin.

“did that hurt?” he whispers.

you feign shock. only because the warm, surging feelings you get start to get so overwhelming that you can’t exactly put them into words. and that really, they’d be too big for him too, especially after last night.

“only my heart! you’re really cute, you know that?” you exaggerate.

sukuna rolls his eyes.

“there’s no need to be so sarcastic this early in the morning. i was trying to do that sweet romantic shit you like.” he responds, irritated as he drops his hands to your sides and pulls you closer.

you laugh.

“but really. i mean it. that was really cute of you. i love when you attempt to do sweet romantic shit for me.” you joke.

he rolls his eyes, before leaning forward and presses a kiss to your cheek, before tucking his face into the crook of your neck.

“you’re awake so early?” he asks.

“just thinking.”

sukuna deflates a little, before pulling back.

“about what i told you last night?”

“yeah. amongst other things, though.”

sukuna offers you a smile.

“good or bad?”

you shake your head.

“it’s always good when i think of you.” you state.

sukuna raises his eyebrows.

“you think good thoughts of me when i leave the toilet seat up? because the ten texts you send me afterwards say otherwise.”

“well, there’s some exceptions. that gets really annoying. but really, overwhelmingly good for the most part.”

sukuna leans forward, resting his forehead against yours as he flutters his eyes shut. his breathing is quiet, almost too quiet, and you can tell from the lingering touches that there’s something simmering in his head.

“penny for your thoughts?” he whispers.

you smile, before pressing your index finger against his chest.

“just thinking about that.”

“your stress balls?”

“your heart, idiot.”

he pauses.

“what about it?” he asks.

you pause.

“i woke up and i…i was thinking about what you said. really, about how grateful i am that you still ended up here next to me. and i pressed my hand against your chest, to feel that it was still thrumming there underneath my fingertips. and…and then i got really emotional because… because i get it now. you promise on my heart, because it’s more important to you than yours. and really, maybe it was thinking about the fact that i almost lost yours…or didn’t get to have it in the first place that i realized. your heart is the most precious thing i have to promise on too.”

sukuna hears a sniffle, only to look up and find wet tears in your eyes.

“are you crying, baby?”

you shake your head.

“no. i just woke up.”

sukuna laughs.

“quit being weird. it’s normal to cry.” he responds, reaching forward to swipe the wetness away from your cheek.

you scoff.

“easy for you to say. i cry way more than you.”

sukuna rolls his eyes.

“that’s not true. i just don’t do it in front of you.”

“well, that’s even worse. you know you can cry in front of me, right?”

sukuna smiles, before leaning forward to press a kiss to your forehead.

“i know. i’m just…i get overwhelmed sometimes by the whole sweet and caring girlfriend who loves me type of thing. but i’m coming around to it.”

you smile, your hunch confirmed, as you reach forward to pinch his cheek.

“i’m fine waiting.” you jest.

he smiles.

“seeing yuuji later today?”

“yeah. we’re getting coffee before i go to work.”

“you think he’ll grovel? because if he doesn’t, i’m going to give him a shiner to match.” sukuna asks.

you give him an irritated look before you pause.

“i think he’ll finally give it a chance. or somewhat of a chance, just because he feels bad.” you state.

“well, thank god. i feel like that’s all he needs to see. he has some shit misconception of how i treat you, how i treat other women.”

you shrug.

“i don’t know. i feel like he actually knows you’re really good to me. i think he’s just…it just gets complicated with past stuff, you know?” you offer.

“every time we’ve argued, it’s always some bullshit about how i’m being careless again and doing it with you. how i’m not good enough to treat you the way you deserve.”

“you know, he really does think highly of you. he knows you wouldn’t do that, especially not to someone he cared about. i think he just feels insecure or less than about it with everything else.” you state.

you sigh.

“i’ve been thinking about it since i woke up. he…he doesn’t really know about anything you told me last night, right?” you ask.

“the only person who knows that is you.”

you give him a halfhearted smile.

“he plays a lot of comparison games. it’s not really his fault, with the way your dad is, but…but it’s probably really hard for him to see how different things are. i mean relationships wise, your parents would be much happier with us than they are with him. it can’t exactly be an easy sight to stomach, especially when he’s always been jealous of that aspect of things. about how other people get to be out in the open without scrutiny and he won’t ever get to be.”

“i watched my dad insult you at dinner. happier, my ass.” he deadpans.

you frown.

“that’s true. but i still got to sit at that table. you don’t think he’d throw out whoever yuuji tried to bring home? megumi wouldn’t even make it one step past that door.” you whisper.

sukuna sighs.

“as shitty as it is, your dad will eventually come around when he realizes it’s sammy who’s going to help me. and really, he’s going to proudly boast that his new daughter in law could potentially be a doctor, because those are the only things he really cares about.”

you pause.

“yuuji’s always had to compete for attention. always tried his hardest to…i don’t know, get noticed when you were there. he must feel like i forgot all about him and is lashing out because of it.”

sukuna pinches his eyes.

“and what does he do to you? because he’s drunk out of his mind dancing on top of the bar and you’re crying in bathrooms getting consoled by strangers until i came and dragged you out of there. if someone forgot about the other, it was definitely him.”

you sigh.

“we’ve both made our fair share of mistakes. i think we just need to put it all to rest. and when things come around to it, i think it would be really sweet for all three of us to do something together.” you state.

sukuna gives you a nod.

in all honesty, it sounds less than ideal – being around you and yuuji at the same time, given every past encounter – but the glimmering hope in your eyes means that he has to swallow it down and promise to at least try.

--

[sammy]: be there in ten.

[sammy]: btw. bringing my girlfriend.

you’ve been staring at the two messages for the past seven minutes, since they lit up the screen of your phone.

“relax. just be normal.” sukuna states.

“am i like…supposed to say something? she never really told me she was gay, like…like should i address it and tell her good job or…”

“you should definitely not tell her good job. if she didn’t think it warranted a whole talk, then don’t make it into one.” sukuna offers.

you nod, rubbing at the sides of your arms, as he comes up behind you, placing his hands on your shoulders and squeezing.

“it’s not that intimidating. you’ll be fine.”

“did you have to do this with yuuji? did you like get him something or –”

“we all knew already. when he told me had a boyfriend, i just told him it was cool.”

“right, well, i had no idea. oh my god, should i have known?”

sukuna rolls his eyes.

“you’ve seen sammy with four or five different guys. i’m pretty sure we were all aware that the only person our house who was hopelessly pining over you was me, not him. and how were you supposed to know? hell, i’m sure at some point sammy didn’t even know herself.”

“that’s true. just…just tap me if i’m being weird. and help me because i –”

the doorbell rings and sukuna leans forward to press one last kiss to your cheek before the two of you shuffle to the front. and when he swings the door open, you can feel your throat dry.

“hey! how’s your eye, kid?” sammy asks, reaching forward to quickly wrap your arms around you as she shuffles inside.

it’s almost too fast the entire way it happens. sammy’s handing sukuna the box of donuts as the two of them start shoving each other and you and mai, who you haven’t seen each other in weeks at this point, are awkwardly lingering by the front near each other as you shut the door.

“you’re dating my sister?” you whisper.

“i obviously didn’t know she was your sister.” she whispers back, white knuckles gripped around the flowers in her hand.

“how did you not know she was my sister?”

“she always mentioned you by some nickname she has for you. she obviously didn’t show me a picture or anything, i just –”

she stops promptly as sukuna walks up to your side, slithering a hand around your waist, as the two of you straighten up, giving him a smile.

“it’s nice to meet you. my name is sukuna, i’m y/n’s boyfriend.”

“mai. i’m sammy’s girlfriend. obviously, but..but you know. because why else would i be here?”

sammy gives her a weird look as she walks up to her side, slithering her hand in with hers.

“are you good?” sammy asks.

“yeah. yeah, i just want to use the bathroom if that’s okay?” mai asks.

“for sure. which way sukuna?” sammy asks.

“down the hall to the right.”

the two of them give you a polite smile, before sammy shows her down the way and you turn on your heel to face sukuna.

“sukuna.” you whisper.

“what?”

“i know sammy’s girlfriend.”

“you do?”

“mai. like my roommate mai? at the dorms?”

“wait. the one who’s always –”

“seeing all the different people! yes! the same mai!”

sukuna crosses his hands across his chest.

“okay, now that wouldn’t be a good thing to bring up.”

“sukuna. she dates so many people. she’s going to get bored and leave sammy.” you deadpan.

sukuna rolls his eyes.

“don’t go assuming stuff based on the past. if you applied that logic, you could say the same thing about me.”

“okay, but you’re an exception.”

sukuna places his hands on your cheeks and squeezes hard.

“and she could be too. i’m telling you right now that this is not a good idea.”

you sigh.

“sukuna –”

“i know you’re not going to start being a hypocrite now. because you know what’s going to happen if you do and sammy’s going to pull away, just when you started being friends again. i know you have a lot going up on here, but i’m asking you to swallow it down for today and put it away for your own good.”

you groan. only because it’s irritating how right he is. you’d do exactly to sammy what yuuji did to you – and somehow, it would be even worse. because it’s one type of pain, to not have yuuji trust you in the face of everything. but to crash down the bridge you had just rebuilt with sammy over something as trivial as this, it…it wasn’t worth it in the slightest.

and really, that there was nothing wrong with mai. she brought guys over, but only before she asked for your permission – the subpar living situation that you were in prior to staying with sukuna was actually because you had an incapability of saying no to her.

she’d always help you without asking questions, help you find an outfit to impress sukuna’s friends and set your hair just right to make sure you liked it. without judgment, with no questions asked.

and really, if sammy saw something in her, you weren’t going to be the one to doubt her intentions. sammy and mai return, the two of them giving you half hearted smiles, as you all face each other.

“i would just like to make it very clear. mai just told me how you guys know each other.” sammy states.

“right. well, i just told sukuna too so we’re all on the same page.” you mumble.

you rub your palms against your pants.

“sorry for being weird mai. i was just kind of caught off guard, but it’s really nice to see you. it’s been a while.” you offer.

“right. well, that’s partially my fault. i kind of stole your roommate.” sukuna says.

the joke is enough to lighten the air a little, as you all laugh, and sukuna squeezes your hand at his side.

“that’s fine. it works well for us, because sammy ends up sleeping over almost every night.” mai responds.

sukuna turns to you, leaning forward.

“now you don’t have to feel bad about paying the rent there. your sister’s the one using the space.”

you turn to sammy.

“i expect cash in full.” you respond.

“hilarious. now let me look at your eye.” sammy says.

mai and sukuna shuffle off to the side of the kitchen, as he starts setting the tea kettle with her help.

“does it still hurt?”

“no, doctor sammy.” you exaggerate.

sammy reaches forward, lightly pressing her fingers into the area around your skin before she lets go.

“well, let’s hear it.” sammy states.

“hear what?”

“you’re not going to be weird?” sammy asks.

you scoff.

“do you just find me strange?”

“i mean. maybe a little.”

you shove her in the side.

“bitch.”

“i was expecting a whole weird…awkward talk about me being gay. figured you say something that was entirely strange, but that your heart would be in the right place.”

you shrug.

“do you want to have a whole big talk? because we don’t have to. and it’s unfair that you have to have one just because you’re gay and feel the need to address it if you don’t want to.”

sammy smiles.

“thanks. i just…”

she pauses, as she looks down at her hands and starts to twist the rings on her fingers.

“i figured that you were probably shocked. given how hard of a time that i’ve given yuuji…which, you have to know i feel horrible about.”

you smile.

“i know.”

“i was just…jealous of him. for a lot of reasons. because he was close with you, because he wasn’t ashamed of it, and really that he got to be out in the open with megumi while i was sitting on dates trying so desperately trying to convince myself i liked it just because it would be easier if i could.”

you lean forward, tucking your chin into the little divot of her shoulder as you wrap your arms around her.

“i do hope you realized that it’s not easier. and that you can have your cake and eat it too.” you respond.

“yeah, well. she’s kind of perfect. she’s never done this whole…dating girls type thing either so we’re kind of figuring it out together. and it’s kind of nice to do that and kind of decide what works and what doesn’t for us.”

you smile.

“well, i’m really glad you get to have that. and that you brought her here, even if i was being weird about it before.”

sammy shrugs.

“i want to punch you in the face.” sammy states.

you glare at her.

“that’s so sweet of you!” you respond, sarcastically.

“no, i’m being serious. there’s a term for it, when something is so…so nice you just want to…” she says, gesturing with a fist in her hand.

“oh. cuteness aggression?”

“yes! that.”

“okay, well. you can just be a normal person and tell me you love me instead of saying you want to punch me in the face. not even twenty four hours after i got punched in the face mind you.”

“speaking of, when are you seeing him? he feels really bad.”

“later today.”

sammy offers you a smile.

“it’ll go well.”

“yeah, yeah, i think so too.”

--

“ryomen.”

sukuna looks to his left to find sammy standing at his side, hands crossed over her chest. he spares you an irritated glance – but really delighting in the fact that it makes you smile – before looking at her.

“can i help you, samantha?”

“do you ever call her samantha?” you ask.

“no. just sammy. do you ever call him ryomen?” mai asks in return.

“yeah. if i’m in a good mood.”

sammy smacks her hands down on sukuna’s shoulders and squeezes hard.

“and i bet like the caveman he is, it drives him crazy!”

sukuna rolls his eyes.

“does not.” he retorts, though the pink flush creeping up his neck kind of gives it away.

you turn to mai, shaking your head. you watch as sukuna pushes off the table, pressing a kiss to the top of your head, before him and sammy shuffle off to the corner of the room, where they talk in hushed tones.

“so.” sammy starts.

“so.”

sukuna leans against the back wall, as sammy follows suit, until the two of you are facing the spot you just left, getting a clear cut vantage of where you were sitting with mai.

“how was she last night? hopefully not too broken up after everything your dad said?” sammy asks.

“she’s good. we, um…we had a really good night. don’t worry about her.”

“ew. you’re a dog. while she had a black eye?”

sukuna wrinkles his nose.

“we had a good talk, dumbass. you’re disgusting.”

“i was teasing.” sammy clarifies.

it’s a quiet beat, as the two of them watch you and laugh off in the far distance, small whispers of smiles echoing on both of their faces.

“did you have something you wanted to say? i was expecting a whole threatening big sister talk when we came over here.” sukuna asks.

“well, in all honesty, i considered it. but, i don’t think it’s really necessary. i can tell that you’ve been waiting for her for a long time. you’re not exactly planning on letting her go anytime soon.”

“well, you’d be right about that.”

“what i did want to say is that you can’t hold out on her.”

sukuna turns his head to the side.

“what do you mean?”

“things are really nice right now, sukuna. they've been sweet and soft as you guys kind of figure out how to do all of this. am i right?”

“yeah…”

“when things get harder, which they inevitably will, you can’t hold out on her. i know her but i also know you. she’s going to be the type to run to your side. and you can’t be the type to run away.”

sukuna can feel his throat dry.

“i know you’ve been doing really good with her. and that you’ve been trying and that means the world to her. i’m just asking that if you get an urge to run, don’t. not only just for her, but she’s going to be there for you and you should just let her. you deserve that just as much as someone else.”

sukuna can feel some weird simmering in his chest as sammy leans her head against his shoulder, a gesture that he returns by resting his own on top of hers. and really, that horrible block that he gets in his throat that he’s been working on melting seems to come back in full flesh, so much so that he can’t muster a response to sammy.

that he knows that she’s right. that he has no intention, and that really, he’d fight every instinct to get it right because he knows, deep down, that this is going to be it for him. that it was going to be you or nothing.

“you have nothing to say to that?”

sukuna smiles. he can hear the light jest, but he knows that it comes from a well meaning place. and that sammy, of all people, was well versed enough with him to know that there would be no confession, at least not until a few days later when he was ready to say it.

“i was just thinking about how unfair it is.”

“unfair what is?”

“that yuuji gets to have me as an older brother. and that y/n gets to have you as an older sister. and you know, in some way, you’ve always been an older sister to me too. we’ve always had someone to look out for us like that, all of us except you.”

sammy smiles.

“you think i’m like an older sister to you?”

sukuna shrugs.

“well, you’ll be my little brother someday, so it’s only fitting.”

“right well, i do have something to ask too.” sukuna states.

“what’s that?”

“i’ve heard about this roommate before. and i hope you know that that this is coming out a place of love, but…are you really sure? given her past and everything?”

sammy scoffs.

“that’s rich coming from you.”

“it takes one to know one, sammy. i’ve been set on y/n because she’s always been it for me. but i’m just asking you if you’re sure since you just met each other.”

sukuna can see that she’s annoyed – only because his reasoning is sound enough that she has to at least consider what he’s saying. which is the exact reason that he stopped you in your tracks earlier and took it upon himself to ask.

“contrary to your beliefs, i have been to that apartment. hell, i swear there was even a guy there the last time i visited, which was a while ago, i’ll admit. y/n cares about you an awful deal and i do too, we just want to make sure you’re happy.” sukuna states.

sammy gives him a small smile.

“i appreciate that. but i’m smart, and i’m just trying to figure things out as they go. i promise i’ll tap out at the first sign of red flags, because i’ve had my fair share of those and have somewhat of an idea of telling right from wrong.”

sukuna gives a smile back.

“alright, sam. i’ll take your word for it.”

“speaking of taking words as what they are…what are we going to do about yuuji?”

sukuna sighs.

“if he doesn’t give in today, i fear he’s a lost cause forever.”

“do something. he’s your brother.”

sukuna glares.

“yeah, well you told y/n to get in the middle of us and got her punched in the face. i don’t exactly take advice from you, sammy.”

“i thought he saw her.” she defends.

“i didn’t even see her.”

sammy scoffs.

“still. i think you need to talk to him, without making shit comments to him about how he hasn’t learned how to share, for her sake.”

sukuna cringes.

“how do you know about that?”

“he was blabbering a lot last night. mostly apologetic, but i just hope it didn’t wear off by the time they see each other later. either way, her birthday is coming up and i want to make it really nice for her, since you know, it’s the first one i’ll be invited to but…but you know, i want everyone she loves there. getting along.”

sukuna sighs.

“yeah. i agree.”

“hey guys!”

sukuna and sammy turn to the left, at the sound of your voice.

“i have to go soon, but mai and i wanted to take a picture together! we can set it on the timer.”

sukuna makes his way over, feeling his chest tighten at the sight of your bright smile, as you open up your arm to him.

“you guys looked deep in thought over there, everything good?” you whisper.

“do you do anything but worry?”

“sue me!” you respond.

“oh god.” mai states.

“what?” you ask.

“you say that too. every time i make the slightest comment, sammy’s go to is to say sue me! i’ve started a jar at this point, she has to put a dollar in it every time she says it.”

“that’s a great idea, mai.” sukuna states.

“okay, sue us! jesus.” sammy complains, before gesturing for them to get closer.

the four of you laugh, before leaning in for the frame of the picture.

Notes:

hi!!! i am so sorry for the delay on this one!! things have been crazy in the ronnie-verse. i've had a crazy month of applying for executive positions at my student orgs, helping out as a student medic at the palestine encampments at my university, studying for finals, working graduation (fun fact! I gave CPR for the first time while our celebrity guest was talking and then had six calls back to back), and then got a fever LOL. i've had a weirdly sentimental time about this past year of college, which was really difficult in all honesty, but I got chosen for all of the executive positions and was given a campus wide leadership award which felt very full circle to me after all of my efforts <3 anyways, I'm back for good and hopefully uploading regularly as I finish this fic! i apologize for the quality on this chapter as I was writing this with a pink eye and a 103 fever but its mostly set up for the next few chapters!

Chapter 17: world war sibling

“you know, you kind of picked the worst spot for your first.” sukuna mumbles. 

“that doesn’t help, sukuna. like in the slightest.” 

sukuna retreats his original comment as the buzzing of the tattoo gun starts again, accompanied by your death-like grip on his hand and the tears spilling out of your eyes. and he almost feels bad for his slightly snide comment – which was intended to make you laugh – as he leans forward, wiping away the wetness and sweat on your forehead, before pressing a kiss to your cheek. 

“you’re actually doing great, princess. i cried like a baby during my first.” 

“yeah. it was fucking annoying.” toji mutters. 

you laugh, earning you a smile from both toji and sukuna, as the former continues buzzing into your arm. 

toji, who you can’t help but find familiar, is sukuna’s most trusted tattoo artist. upon their first meeting, he had bent the rules for sukuna at seventeen (i.e. legally under the age for a tattoo) and since then, had been one of sukuna’s favorite artists in the area. 

and you could tell why sukuna liked him. he was quiet and serious – sukuna’s favorite type of person – but here and there, would offer some strange story about sukuna from years prior, that made the both of them smile when he recounted the memory. 

long story short, he was yet another undercover sap. you were starting to think that sukuna had a type. 

“did he really cry?” you ask. 

“that’s rich coming from him – he picked a worse spot than you did. i had to stop and give him a break before i could continue.” toji mutters. 

you bite down on your lip as you lean against sukuna’s shoulder, the stinging feeling on the inner part of your wrist making your heart race and your head pulsate, as he whispers into your ear, trying to distract you from the pain. 

“are you excited for tonight?” sukuna asks. 

“yeah.” you whisper. 

“where are you going?” he asks. 

you whimper in response, to which sukuna clicks his tongue, before asking again. 

“the bar on sixteenth. they….oh my fucking god…they have happy hour after five.” 

“figured i might as well ask you now before the four of you are drunk out of your mind.” sukuna scoffs. 

after what was a painstakingly awkward conversation between you and yuuji three weeks prior, things were slowly returning back to normal, with the smallest of steps. the two of you went back to studying together, and the week prior, you had returned to your usual weekend plans of going out with him, megumi, and kugisaki again. 

now and then he’d send you strange buzzfeed quizzes at three in the morning, you would send back pictures of cute dogs at work, and finally resumed your original plans of dinner at your parents every other week. 

yuuji and sukuna had yet to cross paths again, except for the curt greetings they’d give each other when yuuji dropped you off or sukuna came to pick you up. sukuna hadn’t gotten over the fact that yuuji had punched you and yuuji…well, he was almost too embarrassed to show his face, let alone even ask for an apology. 

yuuji was always like that, so in his head about whatever it was sukuna was thinking. and while normally, you’d encourage him to just talk it out – knowing how sukuna still felt about the entire thing meant that you had tabled trying to get them to get along for the time being. 

“that’s it.” toji states, before pushing off of his rolling chair and rummaging through the drawer at his side. 

you sit up, blinking the tears out of your eyes, as sukuna leans over your shoulder, the two of you admiring the bloody mess on the inside of your wrist, of a waterlily. 

“it’s perfect, birthday girl.” sukuna whispers. 

“you think my mom will kill me?” you ask. 

“isn’t that kind of the point?”

you laugh as sukuna helps you off the chair and walks you over to the little stand, where toji wraps the area in plastic before walking over to ring you up. and it’s almost a joke – how quickly sukuna snatches your credit card from your fingers, before offering his own. 

“i was going to use that.” you deadpan. 

“it’s on me. it’s your birthday.” 

“you know i don’t –” 

“i know you don’t care about birthdays, doll. but i’m not a piece of shit. toji, i’m paying.” 

the novelty of birthdays, parties, and celebrations seemed to wear off around the time that you turned twelve. a few embarrassing mishaps – like inviting twenty people to a bowling alley just to have only yuuji show up or not having anyone to invite at all the following year out of mortification led to an almost disdain towards the day. 

and after that, the plan was always simple. the night of, the pair of you would go out – originally for ice cream, but those quickly transitioned into sugar sweet margaritas two years ago when you turned twenty-one. and while the plan with yuuji still standing for tonight, sukuna was afforded the entire morning and afternoon. 

it was just another day. meaning you and sukuna were going to eat breakfast together – though you did think the little candle he put in your french toast was a cute touch – before heading to your tattoo appointment. he bought you a new pair of earrings and a ribbon for your hair, but only because he insisted that they reminded him of you earlier this week, and obviously had nothing to do with your birthday. 

and it was perfect – you were going to walk over to the little arts and crafts store after your tattoo appointment, so you and sukuna could make bracelets together before you had to go to the bar with yuuji. it was yet another silly trend you had seen on tiktok – picking out beads that looked like your partner's eyes – and making bracelets out of them, and sukuna was all too quick to oblige. 

sammy was supposed to stop over briefly at some point to drop off a gift and sukuna was going to tuck you into bed at the end of the night. 

you could tell that he was trying really hard to contain it, whatever it was he was feeling over the fact that it was your birthday. because knowing him, if he had his way, he’d be going the entire ten miles and buying you a plethora of gifts and dinners if he could. 

but it took a few talks for him to realize it actually made you really uncomfortable. which is the only reason he let you limit him to three gifts (a bridgerton season three mug, a new taylor swift vinyl, and another lingerie set, which he claimed was more for him than it was for you). 

and though it was really simple – two red velvet cupcakes on a random park bench and a quiet night out, but you could still feel it. the excessive amounts of kisses he was placing on your shoulder and the way he was opening the doors, that he was trying his best to go above and beyond to make you feel special. 

it was sweet. and quiet. just the way you liked it. 

--

you swing open the apartment door to your worst nightmare. 

the main room is decked out in streamers, balloons, and a pretty pink banner – all of which sukuna set up the night before when you fell asleep for your breakfast together. you thought it was a little bit over dramatic – decorating the entire place for just the two of you – but you have the slightest hunch that it was more for this. 

“did you seriously invite all of them?” you whisper, balling your hands into fists at your side as they all cheer, running over to give you excited hugs. 

instead of what you were promised – sammy stopping over briefly to bring you a gift – almost everyone you know is milling around in your apartment. yuuji, kugisaki, and megumi but also maki, gojo, sammy, and shoko. 

even megumi’s sister is here. 

sukuna mouths i had no idea as sammy walks up to your side, placing a shot in your hand. 

“drink up, birthday girl!” 

“i’m good, sam. you go ahead.” 

“room is really tense. i’d take it if i were you.” sammy mumbles, before walking off. 

yuuji walks up to your side, offering you a hug, before pulling back and placing his hands on your shoulders. 

“i tried to stop it. but sister dearest insisted.” yuuji whispers. 

“oh god, of course she did. did you tell her i would hate this?” you ask. 

“i did. and then she said, ‘who hates birthdays?’ and invited everyone anyway.” yuuji responds, perfectly mimicking sammy’s high pitched voice. 

you groan. 

“did you mention the bowling alley?” 

“i did. she responded by saying that means there’s more cake for us.” 

yuuji offers you a pinched smile as sukuna snakes his hand across your shoulder, leaning down to whisper in your ear. 

“i’m so sorry, angel. i swear i had no idea.” sukuna whispers. 

“i know. you know how sammy can be. goes a little overboard…kind of stubborn.” you respond. 

“you have another problem.” yuuji states. 

the two of you turn to your left, as yuuji lifts his hand and awkwardly scratches at the back of his neck. 

“you remember maki’s shitty sister?” yuuji asks. 

“yeah.” 

“she’s your sister’s girlfriend.” 

you feel your throat dry as you dart your head to the left – to where kugisaki and maki are swirling a glass of lemonade in their hands with geto – and to then to the right where sammy is rubbing circles into mai’s back, the two of them talking in hushed tones with gojo. 

“this city is too fucking small.” you mumble. 

“is it that bad?” sukuna asks, his eyes darting between the two of you. 

“that’s the understatement of the year. imagine me and sammy on…on like steroids.” you respond, miserably. 

“alright, well. megumi and i did at least get sammy to get a cake from chaupain, so how about you just eat it in the corner while sukuna and i do damage control? we’ll just keep them away from each other and try to get them to leave as soon as possible.” yuuji asks. 

yuuji looks past your shoulder to where sukuna is standing, waiting for a vote of approval. and given the fact that he basically feels like a fish in water at the current moment, he agrees. 

--

“let’s see the tattoo.” megumi states. 

you all but oblige, holding out your wrist for megumi and tsumiki to admire, watching as their attentive eyes note the needle work. 

“this is beautiful. why the waterlily?” tsumiki asks. 

you smile. 

“like monet’s waterlilies. it’s one of my favorite art pieces.” you respond. 

“that’s neat. it’s very pretty.” she responds, giving you a warm smile. 

“where’d you get it? yuuji has been thinking about getting one.” megumi asks. 

“downtown. there’s a tattoo parlor across from that bar that we did glee trivia at once.” 

you watch as tsumiki and megumi give each other a look, the former pulling her soft featherlike touch away from your wrist and crossing her arms over her chest. 

“who did your tattoo?” megumi asks. 

“oh. he’s just some guy sukuna’s friends with. he’s been going to him since he was like seventeen..” 

megumi clenches his jaw, before placing his hands at his side. 

“black hair, scar near his lip?” 

you pause. 

“yeah. his name is toji. do you know him or something?” you ask. 

“something like that.” megumi responds, before shuffling off towards the drinks. 

tsumiki gives you an almost apologetic smile, before leaning forward and whispering in your ear. 

“don’t take it personal. he’s our dad.” 

“your…” 

“yes, our deadbeat dad. it is rather off putting finding out that he’s had money…or you know, a job this entire time, and friends, when we’ve been trying to make ends meet forever. we always had a hunch that he was there but you know, kind of confirms it if you were there this morning.” 

you pinch your eyes shut, before placing a hand on her shoulder. 

“i’m so sorry.” you mumble. 

“you didn’t know. i’m going to check on megumi, though, if that’s okay? you know how he can be.” 

“please.” 

you drag your tired legs to the corner of the kitchen island, pouring yourself a shot, before slumping down into the chair. and your very futile efforts of getting a second to yourself are all but squashed when you find satoru at your side, sliding a slice of cake your way. 

“hi birthday girl.” 

you sigh. 

“hi satoru. thank you for coming.”

“i do suppose i should apologize for showing up. i didn’t realize you hate birthdays.” 

“i don’t hate them, it’s just…the big party thing. not really my jam. for obvious reasons. i just accidentally brought up someone’s deadbeat dad and somehow brought together the most homicidal pair of sisters in japan into my apartment.” you respond. 

satoru smiles in response, looking out to the group of them as well. 

“it’s basically world war sibling in here right now. but your boys are handling the sisters decently well. and….getting along for once.” 

you smile, looking over at sukuna and sammy on the left. 

“i know, right? it’s actually kind of cute. they keep looking over at each other every few minutes and giving each other thumbs up to confirm it’s still going good.” you mumble. 

“kind of expected. both of them are half responsible for making your worst nightmare happen on your birthday of all days, it makes sense that they’d put their shit aside for one second to make it at least a little bit better.” satoru states. 

sukuna looks over at you, shooting you a weary glance – like he’s trying to gauge how you’re feeling – which you shake off. 

“plus, at some point, they’re going to realize that it’s better for both of their interests to get along again. maybe this is when it’ll happen and then something good will come out of your birthday.” satoru adds. 

you pause, looking down to continue demolishing the frosting of the cake with the fork. 

“you’re quite hopeful.” 

“i mean, yeah. they’re brothers and they were starting to get close again and that’s part of it. but at some point, they’re going to understand that it’s going to cause a real block for both of them if they continue acting the way they do. sukuna’s your boyfriend but yuuji’s been the first person you’ve gone to your entire life. can’t exactly give one up for the other.” 

you smile. 

“you think about this an awful lot, don’t you?” 

“suguru and i talk about it in bed every night before we go to sleep. it is riveting.” satoru affirms. 

“i’m glad we could provide some entertainment for you.” you respond, giving him a smile. 

in the three seconds you look away, whatever tension that was boiling in the room seems to come to a head, when maki and mai seemed to have both reached for the last piece of cake – and both of their guard dogs, kugisaki and sammy, were ready to fight over it. 

“just split it in fucking half.” sukuna mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“that’s a great idea! i’ll do it for you guys, here.” yuuji responds, before getting four pairs of irritated eyes staring at him, as he retreats his hands. 

you sigh as you walk up to their sides, satoru on your heels, as you take the spot in between sukuna and yuuji. the two of them give you a pinched smile that barely meets their eyes. 

“i didn’t eat the slice that gojo brought me yet. you’re more than welcome to take mine.” you offer. 

“okay yeah, that’s fine. you guys can take the leftovers.” sammy responds. 

kugisaki rolls her eyes. 

“why should we take it? we reached for it first.” kugisaki mutters. 

mai turns to sammy, shaking her head. 

“it’s fine, sammy. you guys have it.” mai responds. 

“typical. trying to take the higher ground to look good, aren’t you?” maki asks. 

“well, leave it to you to make a scene at your friend’s birthday party.” mai mutters back. 

maki scoffs. 

“she’s your girlfriend’s sister. you’re just trying to do the right thing to look a certain way, like you always fucking do. it’s the same shit you do with our parents and –” maki starts. 

“okay, guys. there’s kind of a time and place for this type of thing and –” yuuji starts. 

“shut up, yuuji.” kugisaki and maki shout in unison. 

sukuna clenches his jaw.  

“okay, seriously. that’s enough. just take a beat and walk away. all four of you.” sukuna mutters, as the two of them walk off. 

sukuna’s tone is intimidating enough to get all of them to back off. and you lean back against the counter, watching as they both sulk off into their respective corners, as you rub the sides of your temples. sammy joins you at your side, taking an awkwardly long sip of her lemonade, as you sigh. 

“are you going to take yuuji and sukuna’s advice next time? i really do hate birthday parties.” you ask. 

sammy turns to her side, her eyes incredulous. 

“you can’t be serious. you’re not blaming that on me, right?” sammy asks. 

you widen your eyes. 

“what?” 

“i was just trying to do a nice thing for you. all of these people wanted to see you, for your birthday, and you were just kind of side sweeping all of them. how was i supposed to know that mai’s sister was going to be here?” 

you groan. 

“i was obviously joking, sammy. trying to lighten the mood and all.” 

“you’re the queen of passive aggressiveness. i know you weren’t. god forbid, we can’t all be like your boy toys and spend our entire life trying to read your mind since you can’t seem to say whatever is on it.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“so what if i wasn’t joking? you clearly need to hear it when all you do is just what you think is best. i wasn’t side sweeping any of them, most of them would have understood if i just wanted to spend the day the way i usually do.” 

yuuji tries to interject. 

“listen. i think we’re all feeling a lot of things right now –” 

“you don’t have to read my mind when there were two people right there telling you that i would have hated it. you just purposely chose not to listen.” you finish. 

“you’re shitty. i was just trying to be nice. and then you wonder why i never want to talk to you.” 

yuuji can tell it stings from the way your face falls. 

“sammy, come on. it’s –” yuuji starts. 

you suppose you should be thankful that no one got injured this time. because in the split second that sammy tries to shove yuuji away and tell him to butt out of it, he accidentally backs his elbow into the little rack, sending two of the mugs shattering to the floor. 

it takes one peak to realize that one of them is the one sukuna quite literally unboxed for you this morning. you didn’t even have a chance to use it. 

you turn to sukuna, who gives you what might be the most irritated look you’ve ever seen him muster, before he shuffles towards the closet for the broom. you’re sure that sammy takes some type of hint that it’s time for her to go and geto’s able to wrangle the rest of them to leave too as sukuna shuffles up the glass. 

it’s a quick exodus after that, the room so tense with the heat in the air that almost everyone was scrambling to get out to take a breath. sukuna isn’t halfway to closing the door on geto and gojo when the tears start bubbling out of your eyes, warm and hot on your cheeks. 

“oh, angel. come here.” sukuna whispers, opening up his arms as you dig your forehead into his shoulder. 

you can hear yuuji shuffling behind the two of you, boxing the last of the leftovers, as you cry into sukuna’s shoulder, making a considerably large snot and tear filled stain on your shirt. 

“i hate my birthday. this is…this is so fucking stupid, sukuna.” 

sukuna rubs circles into your back, before wrapping his hand around your cheek and wiping the mess of glitter and tears away. 

“like, i know i shouldn’t expect much but i just wanted to have a nice day. it’s so stupid that sammy’s so stubborn that she invited everyone. and i know i should have had fun but…but everything just kept going wrong.” 

sukuna can tell that you’re subconsciously reaching for your hair, pulling down on your locks and pulling out strays. because while you had left your picking at your skin habits for bad moments, you seemed to angrily pull at your head when you were tense. 

“turn around.” sukuna murmurs, as you heave a sigh and continue your rant as sukuna tasks himself with braiding your hair. 

“toji is megumi’s dad. and now i’m scared i made him feel like shit by bringing it up. and i know i didn’t do anything wrong but if someone just randomly brought up my deadbeat dad i wouldn’t feel great about it either.” 

“i’m sure he’s not mad at you, baby.” sukuna offers. 

“and fucking sammy. we were just getting along but…but she always does shit like this. i wasn’t blaming her for what happened, but i damn well could have. if literally the two people who know me the best are teling you that i wouldn’t enjoy this, why would you go ahead and do it anyways? and then on top of that, a whole fucking scene where she ended up yelling at me.” 

“do you want me to kill her?” 

“would you? she pushed yuuji and it broke our mugs.”  

sukuna finishes the end of the braid and secures it with an elastic, before placing his hands on your shoulder and swinging you back around to face him. 

“i’ll get you another one.” 

“aren’t they limited edition?” 

“i’ll bid on ebay. it’s not a big deal.” 

“sukuna.” 

“i had to bid on the first two on ebay anyways. i can literally just do it again baby, it’s not a big deal.” 

two feet away, yuuji feels like he’s intruding. and living in an alternate universe. because it’s the first time he’s seen you like this with someone else – venting so openly, accepting his affections so freely as he presses a kiss to your cheek and pulls at your wrists to stop you from picking at your skin. 

and sukuna seems like an entire stranger. brushing his fingers against your cheek so gently, the tone in his voice so uncharacteristically soft as he tries to comfort you. bidding on flowery mugs on ebay, braiding your hair to get you to stop pulling at it. 

yuuji feels guilty. maybe he really did have it all wrong. because the things that sukuna was doing were so arbitrary, but they were making all the difference at curbing the tears pouring out of your eyes.

maybe he just didn't get it.

“now mention the good things.” sukuna states. 

you glare at him. 

“there are no good things.” 

sukuna spares a glance over his shoulder to yuuji, gesturing for him to join, before looking back at you. 

“really? you can’t even think of one?”

yuuji catches his drift as he walks up to your side, slinging his arm around your shoulder. 

“you’re a smart girl. you can figure it out.” yuuji offers. 

you roll your eyes. 

“and now you two are ganging up on me. is this really the time?” 

the two of them laugh, even more delighted when you crack a smile for the first time in hours, before the two of them give each other a nod and wrap both of their arms around you. 

“still nothing good?” yuuji asks. 

“nope. you’re both crushing me to death. and you smell.” 

sukuna presses a kiss to your forehead and yuuji pinches at the side of your cheek. 

“how about now?” sukuna asks. 

“you guys are kind of annoying, you know that?” 

you pull back, placing a hand on both of their shoulders, and darting your eyes between the two of them. 

“are you guys being buddies for my birthday or are you actually making up?” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“obviously the latter. we aren’t sisters.” 

“you’re fucking kidding. like the two of you are any better.” you state.  

yuuji scoffs. 

“they broke two whole fucking ceramic mug. and ruined a birthday party. sisters are a whole different ballpark.” 

“you punched me in the face and ruined a family dinner. how is that any different?” 

sukuna and yuuji both scoff, before yuuji reaches forward to pinch your cheek. 

“are you going to hold that over my head forever?” 

“basically. for both of you actually.” 

sukuna shuffles over to the fridge, tasking himself with stacking the freshly made boxes of cake in the fridge. 

“i think we’ll live.” 

--

three days later, with all the leftover heaviness from your birthday gone, yuuji takes you out for drinks on your birthday. and while sammy gave you a halfhearted apology, you swallowed it down for the tiem being and let it go. 

things were well – with yuuji and sukuna getting along and things being somewhat on the come up with sammy. though that feeling only lasts a few hours before sukuna sends you six calls, the seventh of which you finally answer when you make your way out of the bar. 

“hi sukuna. you okay?” 

you hear a sniffle on the other side of the phone. 

“how drunk are you?” he asks, his voice raspy. 

“what?” 

“can you drive or do i need to come get you guys?” 

you cover your free ear with your hand, trying to tune out the blaring music, as you press the phone against your ear harder. 

“i can drive, i barely had half of my margarita. is everything –” 

“you need to come to my mom’s house. as soon as possible. leave now.” 

“is everything fi –” 

“my dad is dead. as soon as you can, y/n.” 

Notes:

sorry if this wasn't up to the usual quality and more of the set up 3
I've been planning out the next few chapters HEAVILY so they will be better!!!

Chapter 18: sweet irony

you stare down at your phone – the picture of you and sukuna cheesing into the camera staring back at you – as the quiet pulsating starts teeming in your head. 

he’s dead. you’ve wished him dead for years, hundreds of times in passing, and now he’s actually dead. 

and now you’ll have to tell yuuji. 

you take a beat before walking back into the sweltering hot air of the bar, the blaring music making your heart race as you push through the crowd. and it takes you twenty minutes before you reach the table where yuuji is again, standing still to watch as he leans his head against megumi on the stool, while nobara finishes off the last of his drink.  

you can’t help but pause, your heart sinking into the deepest pits of dread, as he digs the cherry in the drink out of the ice, as you walk up to his side, shaking at his shoulder. 

your dad is dead. 

“hey, you’re back! do you want the another?” yuuji asks, the stem of the cherry sticking out of the side of his mouth as he holds a shot glass in front of your face, almost tauntingly, 

“no, no. um –” 

your dad is dead. your piece of shit dad is dead and you have to leave. 

you take the glass from him, accidentally slamming it down too hard on the table to the point where it shatters, as yuuji looks over at you, eyes wide. there’s a quiet gasp as almost everyone around you gives you a weary look, before turning back to their own conversations. 

you look down at your hand, the smallest amount of crimson red staring back at you, as you ball your hand into a fist and ignore it. 

“jesus. you okay, she-hulk?” he asks. 

you look back up at him. 

“yeah, it’s fine. we have to go home.” you respond. 

“what? don’t tell me you’re going to start being a bore now that you’re old. we just got here and we’re not leaving until sukuna is dragging all four of us out on our asses.” yuuji responds, earning him a laugh and a smile from nobara and megumi. 

“just come with me. we can talk on the way.” you respond, reaching for his wrist as you start pulling.

“we’re celebrating your birthday! after someone ruined it, mind you…” yuuji jokes, pulling you back towards the table. 

“shut up! how was i supposed to know that maki and mai were going to make a scene?” nobara mutters. 

“you literally started the fight, nobara.” megumi mutters. 

“and i apologized for that!” nobara responds, reaching over to flick megumi in the side of the forehead. 

you place your hand on yuuji’s bicep, squeezing hard, as you feel hot tears in your eyes and an almost soreness in your throat – knowing that whatever you say next is irrevocably about to change something for him as you lean forward. 

“yuuji. your dad passed away, we…we have to go.” 

megumi and nobara turn their heads, the former spilling the drink in his glass all over the table. 

“what?” yuuji asks. 

yuuji subconsciously pulls his arm back, eyes incredulous as he looks down at you. 

“yuuji. really, i…” 

“what did you just say?” megumi asks. 

“i…i don’t know how it happened, sukuna was so brief on the phone when he asked us to come that..” 

“wait, what?” nobara says. 

“sukuna. he called me and asked me to bring yuuji back. or both of us, i don’t..” 

you watch as yuuji digs his phone out of his pocket – a plethora of calls from both sukuna and his mom shining on his screen – as he scrolls through the texts, before he looks back up at you and swallows hard. 

“i had more to drink than you did.” he responds, his voice stiff as gravel. 

the look in his eyes is haunting. his dad is dead. 

“i’ll bring the car around.” you respond. 

“megumi. go with her. sukuna would kill me if he found out i let her walk out there alone.” yuuji responds, his focus halfhearted as he looks down at his phone, dialing his mom’s number as he presses the phone against his ear. 

his dad is dead. he needs a second. 

megumi gives you a curt nod before linking in his arm with yours and pushing his way through the crowd, uncharacteristically rough as the two of you run out the doors. and you’re both speed walking down the block, hands shaking as you pull open the doors of the car, and shove the key into the engine. 

“oh god, his mom is probably losing her shit. she’s going to be a mess when we get there, megumi.” you mutter. 

you pull out of the spot, fighting the urge to honk at the hounds of pedestrians that cross, as you nervously twiddle your fingers on the wheel. 

“sukuna’s probably there, alone, right now.” you mumble. 

you feel your throat dry. 

“i hope that…that his dad’s not still there when we get there. i don’t even..” 

“i’m not coming.” he whispers.. 

you accidentally push the break too hard and the car jolts, shooting megumi an apologetic smile as one of the groups of pedestrians flip you off. 

megumi notes that what he said came out a little more harshly than he intended it to, but it’s only because of his frustration, and what the questions he knows are going to follow after. 

“what? of course you are, he’s…” 

“i mean, i can’t.”

you frown. 

“of course, you can. in fact, you should. he’s your boyfriend.” 

it takes a split second for you to realize why yuuji’s always so defensive when it comes to you and sukuna. surely megumi can’t be serious. 

“y/n.” 

“megumi. you spend like every waking second with the guy. what’s your issue now?” you seethe. 

“i’m not going to make things more complicated by meeting his mom for the first time on the night she became a widow, y/n.” megumi responds. 

you swallow hard, the soreness in your throat making your eyes water, as you give him a nod and clench the steering wheel so hard that it makes your skin nearly break. 

of course that’s why he couldn’t go. you’re an idiot. 

the stinging on your palm from the glass only gets worse as you pull up outside the bar, and honk twice for good measure. 

“one thing, y/n.” megumi states. 

“what?” 

“i know that sukuna is your person. but yuuji’s mine. please don’t forget to be there for him too.”  he begs. 

you reach forward, squeezing megumi’s hand in yours. 

“of course i won’t forget about him. i’ll send you updates, okay?” you whisper. 

he gives you a nod as yuuji and nobara come tumbling out of the front door a few minutes later, nobara pressing him into a hard hug before letting ago, and rubbing at her biceps in the cold. and it gets even worse as you watch megumi and yuuji – being so openly affectionate while not being black out drunk for the first time – as they lean their foreheads against each others, before kissing goodbye. 

the entire car shifts as yuuji sits in the car, eyes teary and sniffling as he looks over at you, and nods. 

“let’s go.” 

it feels wrong to leave megumi behind, but you do it anyway. 

--

it takes an hour and a half to get there. yuuji’s uncharacteristically quiet, leaning his head against the glass of the window, as you try to drive as fast as you can on the highway. your headache, the dread, the stinging in your hand – it all seemed to get worse as time goes on, as you get closer to your house, and to whatever’s waiting for you. 

halfway through you offer yuuji your uninjured hand, which he takes, and doesn’t let go of as the two of you walk to the porch. 

“wait.” yuuji whispers. 

“what? what is it?” 

yuuji pauses, heaving a sigh before he looks at you, eyes watery. 

“i want one more second of normal before…before i…” 

“of course, yuuji.” you mumble back, leaning forward to tuck yourself into his embrace, his arms shaking as he wraps them around you. 

and you get what he means – you can feel your heart sink as you hear the raised voices, and what you’re sure is mrs. itadori’s wailing, as you squeeze yuuji harder. 

“you’re always so warm, y/n.” yuuji mumbles. 

you give him a smile as you pull back and ring on the doorbell. and it’s a split second before 

sammy swings the door open, eyes wide as she wraps her arms around yuuji first. 

“hey kid. you okay?” she murmurs. 

“yeah, sam..” 

“the moms and sukuna are in the dining room. go, go.” she whispers, rubbing his back once more for good measure before pushing him in the right direction. 

and then sammy looks back at you, giving you a smile, before she immediately crumbles into a mess of tears. 

“holy shit, y/n. i’m so fucking glad you’re here.”

you open up your arms, taken aback by the mess of her braid and the state she’s in, as she tucks herself into your neck, her tears spilling onto your skin. and you rub circles into her back in unison with her panting breaths, before gesturing for her to explain. 

“he just collapsed out of nowhere. i was in the fucking bathroom for gods sake and i just heard them shouting before…before mrs. itadori literally screamed bloody murder…i just came out and..” she whispers. 

you squeeze her a little bit harder, her cries getting stifled into your shoulder as you whisper into her ear, trying to calm her down. 

“sammy.” you whisper. 

“his pulse was gone. i did cpr for twenty minutes before they got here and they said there was nothing i could have done. i’m a fucking nurse, for fucks sake, and i just…i don’t even…” 

“you did what you could have.” you murmur. 

you can tell that she doesn’t believe you. and that she’s in some kind of shock from the way her eyes are so lifeless – the only thing convincing you that she's still really there with you being the quiet breaths that leave her mouth. 

after ten minutes of holding her, she pulls back, wiping at her nose. 

“i can’t believe he’s dead.” she mutters miserably. 

“me too.” 

“is…am i shitty for being upset? he’s an asshole but…but he was around for so long and well –” 

“no, sammy. we’ve known him forever.” you affirm. . 

“you should check on sukuna, by the way. they asked him questions for a while when he got here, because…because mrs. itadori and i were too hysterical. mom helped but she didn’t know most of the stuff and..” 

you wonder if he had been afforded time to cry yet. though you knew how these things go and that somehow, he’d be the last one to get the privilege to process it all. 

“okay, come on.” you respond, the two of you linking your arms together as you walk into the dining room. 

you feel your heart pinch as you walk into the dining room – at the sight of both mrs. itadori and yuuji crying – with sukuna’s hand slung across yuuji’s chair. there’s an almost…gaunt look on sukuna’s face, devoid of any emotion, as he only locks his eyes with yours in recognition, before turning his attention back to yuuji.

you give a small wave to your own mother, who gives you a halfhearted smile, before placing a she places a glass of water in front of yuuji and mrs. itadori, and taking the seats next to them. 

sammy’s crying at your side again, quietly muffling her own tears into your shoulder, as you squeeze at her side, before setting her down in the chair before leaving to get her water. and  it’s only in the kitchen that you realize that the inner part of your hand is a bloody mess, with the stained red going all the way down to your wrist, as you walk over to the sink. 

“what happened?” 

you nearly jump to find sukuna at your side, leaning over your shoulder as he eyes the red in the sink, and you can’t help but wrap your arms around him, the wetness dripping onto his shirt. 

he doesn’t hug back. he’s softens underneath you, his shoulders less stiff, but he doesn’t hug back. 

“nothing. it was just a glass back at the bar. you…what happened to you? are you okay? what can i do to help because i know that…” 

sukuna leans back, offering you a halfhearted smile, before reaching for the closest drawer and pulling a glass box of bandages and alcohol wipes out. 

“let me clean it.” 

you frown before holding your hand out for him, watching as he quietly opens the packet, and gently cleans the area, before wrapping it in a white bandage. and when he touches the inner portion of your wrist, he looks up at you before placing the back of his hand against your forehead. 

“you’re running hot.” he states. 

“it’s warm in here.” you respond. 

“it’s not. you’re getting a cold.” 

yuuji’s comment from earlier makes sense now. you sigh, noting the soreness in your throat feeling almost swollen now, as you shake your head at him. 

“really. what can i do to help? i know this is a lot and…” you mumble. 

you’re unable to place the expression on sukuna’s face. it’s almost like he cringes. 

“i’m right here.” 

“can you stay with yuuji?” he asks. 

you pause. 

“what?” 

that’s not what you had in mind. 

“we have to do the funeral sooner than later. saturday is our best bet with everyone having work off so i have to pull shit together, really fast. and i can do it, but…but not while dealing with both of them. can you stay with him? please?” 

the question dies on your tounge. what about you? 

“yeah, of course i can, but –” 

sukuna nods, before placing a bottle of nyquil in your uninjured hand. 

“take this twice a day.” he responds, squeezing your shoulder once as he retreats back out to the main room. 

--

you don’t see sukuna for two days. or well, you do, but he’s always preoccupied. not really there. on the phone with the funeral planner, comforting his mom, or dealing with the hospital bills and belongings that were left behind. 

he declines your offer to sleep with him, because he sleeps on the floor in his moms room. he doesn’t eat the breakfast you because he has to go pick out the flowers – and doesn’t make any jokes about how he’d save himself from the food poisoning before eating your food. 

it’s just as well you suppose, because you really do get a fever, and staying with yuuji takes up enough of your time. 

unlike the former – a solid fortress of almost nothing – yuuji swings between two moods, either being awfully quiet and insatiably angry. 

you’re not sure which one is better. the lack of babbling from yuuji is haunting in every situation – but it’s so hard to discern what it is that he’s feeling that sometimes all you can do is crawl into his bed with him and stare at the ceiling together. 

you were half convinced that it did nothing until the second day, when yuuji offered you a thank you for the silence before trotting off to shower. 

the anger is a little bit easier to handle. only because whatever it is that he is feeling comes pouring out of his mouth so freely that you’re at least able to pinpoint what it is that makes him mad. 

that he’s dead. that he died without changing. that he won’t ever change and that in the grand scheme of things, yuuji’s history will always be murked by a shitty, homophobic asshole. 

“he’s such a fucking prick.” yuuji mutters, angrily slamming the door of his closet, as you readjust on his bed. 

was. he was such a prick. 

“and why the fuck is my mom crying so much? god knows how many bottles of wine she’s fucking drank trying to temper the fucking rage he filled her with. she should be happy that she doesn’t have to deal with him anymore.” 

yuuji looks over at you, quickly handing you the tissue that you were reaching for, before returning to his rant. 

“like grow a fucking spine. she’s making sukuna do everything. he’s only fucking twenty-five, for fucks sake. all i’ve watched her do is fucking ball her eyes out and lie down on that god damn couch while he plans the entire funeral and spends lal day calling god knows who.” 

yuuji’s nervous pacing makes the jacket of his suit fall off of the hanger, his irritation clearly getting worse, as you lift your hands, gesturing for him to take a seat as you reach for it. you lift it off the floor, sling it back onto the hanger and make a mental note to steam the crease before the funeral tomorrow, before turning back to him and taking a seat at his side. 

you lean your head on his shoulder, as he brings his hand up to your hair, tangling through the knots. 

“i wish megumi could be here.” he mumbles, voice quiet. 

“me too. i…sammy and i actually talked to your mom about it and..” you start. 

“i know. sukuna told me.” 

yuujji pauses, running his fingers over the pink skin on your palm, before sighing.

“it’s nice but, he’d probably roll over in his grave if megumi came.” yuuji states. 

“he’d probably get out of his casket just to yell at you one more time.” you mutter. 

yuuji laughs, the sound making you smile. 

“and then he’d see you sitting in between me and sukuna and slut shame you one last time for good measure.” he adds. 

“and then probably have a second heart attack when he sees sammy sitting there with mai.” 

the two of you stare at each other blankly before bursting out into laughter, albeit a little bit too uncontrollably, as you reach to shut the door to stop everyone else from hearing. 

“oh my god. i fucking forgot about that. he’d probably have an aneurysm if he found out sammy was bi.” 

“he would fully go into septic shock. he’d probably something strangely homoerotic and spend twenty minutes trying to convince her that everyone was a little gay.” 

“holy shit! i totally forgot he said that. and then he’d somehow blame me for it. like i made her gay somehow by rubbing it off on her.” 

you snort. 

“and naturally, he’d start yelling at our moms too. saying that they let us all be a little too wild when we were kids and that’s why we’re all ungrateful..” you add. 

“i believe his preferred term of endearment was ungrateful little assholes. and don’t kid yourself, according to him, the root of all evil can –  and always will be – traced back to me. ” 

the two of you turn your heads to the doorway, to where sukuna’s standing. you jolt up at the sight of him, his eyes red and tired, as you look up at him, giving him a smile. 

“hi sukuna. how are –” 

sukuna sticks the back of his hand against your forehead, clearly bothered by how warm you’re still running, before dropping his hand. his fingertips trail down your skin, the length of your elbow to your fingers, before he presses the bottle into your hand. 

“antibiotic for five days. if you still feel bad, then an extra two days.” he states, holding the water out in front of you. 

it’s the same as the time yuuji punched you. he’s uncharacteristically inexpressive, but still attentive. 

“when did you have time to go?” 

“i had to get his clothes from the hospital. and his phone and the car keys, they were all in his pocket.” 

“thank you. do need anything from me?” 

“still have nyquill?” 

he avoids the conversation, like he always does, in the rare seconds you’re allowed to speak to him.. you pretend it doesn’t sting. 

“yes.” 

sukuna leans forward, tucking the stray hairs behind your ear, before turning to yuuji. 

“day after tomorrow, up at six both of you. the funeral starts at seven and we’ll be back here after for the condolences.” 

“got it.” yuuji responds and you nod. 

sukuna disappears as fast as he showed up. 

and while you felt like you were isolated in the feeling – that he was slipping away, on another planet from you when he was only two doors down – you and yuuji talk about it the night before the funeral. 

“does it bother you?” yuuji asks. 

you can’t sleep the night before and neither can he – the two of you cramped up in his tiny bed and staring at the tiny glow in the dark stars you pressed to the ceiling years prior. they’re peeling off, half of them already having fell into the crevices between the bed in the wall years ago. 

“your dad?” you murmur. 

“no. sukuna.” 

“what do you mean?” 

“does it bother you that he won’t let you help him?” yuuji asks. 

you sigh, mulling over the thought in your head. of course it bothers you. you felt like you were failing the most important test. 

“i’m not saying that in a shit talking type of way. i just meant…as an observation. as a friend.” yuuji adds. 

you smile. 

“i know. i guess it does. i just feel like we made really good progress and that…that i’d at least tumbled down most of his walls. but every time i see him, it kind of feels like they’re back up. maybe even worse than before.” 

“what do you mean?” 

“he was always a little reserved but it didn’t take much to get him to open up. he’d always give in when i asked. but he just kind of brushes me off now. i’m not mad about it, because i understand, but i wish i could just do more.” you respond. 

yuuji readjusts, leaning over on his side, to look at you. and you mimic his actions till the two of you are facing each other, cheeks pressed into the pillows as you try to make out the features of his face. 

“don’t take it personally.” yuuji responds. 

you sigh. 

“really. in my experience, he…he’s never been able to let go until things are fully settled.” 

“that’s what scares me. your dad isn’t going to stop being dead.” you whisper. 

yuuji nods. 

“he won’t leave you.” 

“i know that. i just need him to come back to me.” you respond. 

yuuji readjusts under the sheets. there’s a quiet beat before he talks again. 

“will you stand with us at the condolences tomorrow? i think he’d like it if you were nearby. and god knows i need someone to stand there with me.” 

“of course, i will.” 

--

almost every person you’ve ever known seems to cycle through their house the next day. the funeral was crowded and you luckily for you, you were stuck for the most part, with sammy on one side and yuuji on the other, so you were able to avoid it. 

but the house was different. in a swimming sea of black, you and yuuji have awkward sets of interactions every few minutes. your third grade teacher, the hostess who kicked the two of you out of the sushi restaurant once, and the weird guy who gets drunk every thursday at the district. 

this town was way too small.  

yuuji sees nobara at the door, giving you a go ahead to go find where sukuna was lingering, as you start making your way through the halls. and it takes a few minutes, but you find him in the kitchen, tucking the envelopes and letters into the drawer as he reaches for his tie and loosens the knot. 

“hi.” 

you watch as he immediately stiffens, sharply turning his head to the left, before releasing. 

“oh. hey. i thought you were someone else.” 

“nope! just little old me.” you respond. 

sukuna pauses, slowly closing the drawer, before turning to you and cupping the side of your face. you welcome the touch – your chest panging at how long it’s been since you’ve even seen him, let alone touched him – before pressing a kiss to his palm. 

“do you feel better?” he asks 

“yeah. thank you.” 

he gives you a halfhearted smile, before dropping his hands down your back and securing his hand around your waist. you lean into his touch, pressing your cheek to his shoulder, and taking in the scent of his cologne. 

“i have to go back out.” he mumbles. 

“i know.” you respond. 

he looks down at you, giving you a smile, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. you give him a smile, before he leans down and squints his eyes at you. 

“been far too long since i’ve kissed you, hasn’t it?” 

“what?” 

“you’re blushing. and i just kissed your forehead.” 

you laugh, lightly trying to shove him away. but he’s too fast, hands on your waist before he leans forward, fully smiling this time and pulling you closer. it’s the first one you’ve seen in days. it makes your heart ache. 

“it’s normal to blush when your boyfriend kisses you.” you defend. 

he shakes his head, playfully poking at the side of your cheek before dropping his hand. 

“you’re always greedy. so greedy that you got so used to it. i usually have to rile you up in five different ways before i see that pretty flush creep down your neck.” 

“you’re a pervert. read the room.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“i am reading the room. you and i are the only ones in it.” he deadpans. 

“every person we know is outside.” you whisper. 

“come on. one kiss and i’ll go back.” he whispers back. 

“sukuna.” 

“please.” 

you roll your eyes before placing both of your hands on his cheeks and leaning forward. and as many comments as you made about reading the room and trying to deny it, you’re way too excited to lean forward – nearly smacking your nose into his – as you lock your lips with his. 

but it’s nothing like you expected. 

because while he was joking a few minutes prior, the kiss is so soft, dripping with longing that it takes you by surprise. it reminded you of the quiet moments – when he’d trace the freckles on your cheek or press kisses to your knuckles before bed – so overwhelming, so intimate that you felt like he had creeped up inside of you. 

when you flicker your eyes open, his are filled with tears. 

“i’m sorry for avoiding you.” he whispers. 

“that’s okay, you…” 

“i knew this would happen if i was around you for too long.” he responds. 

you pause, taken aback by his words. 

“what?” 

“i wouldn’t be able to keep it together.” he responds, voice cracking as the tears start spilling down his cheeks.

you frown, reaching forward to wipe the wetness away.

“you don’t have to keep it together.” you whisper. 

“we both know i do.” he responds, his gaze wavering to the floor. 

you feel your heart drop, at the mere premise, before pressing yourself closer to him, feeling him sag nearly his entire weight onto you. he presses a kiss on your shoulder that makes you shiver. 

“can we please talk when we go home? just a few more days before…” 

“yeah. just you and me, okay?” 

he nods, lifting your hands against his lips to press a kiss to your knuckles.

"don't be hurt if I avoid you."

"you could never hurt me. i know whatever you do, there's a reason for it."

sukuna groans, before leaning forward to press a lingering kiss to your cheek.

"you're perfect, you know that?"

you give him a teasing grin, before shrugging.

"i can't help it." you joke.

he smiles, before leaning forward to press another kiss to your lips. 

“make me a promise.” he whispers, a slight strain in his voice. 

“okay.” 

he swallows hard.

“you can’t die.” 

you lean back, pressing your hand into the softness of his hair, before looking at his brown eyes, so full and expectant as they wait for an answer. 

“of course not.” 

“you’d take me right with you if you did. you can’t.” he begs. 

you give him a smile. 

“i won’t. i promise, ryomen.” you respond, reaching forward to cross on his heart.

he gives you a shaky sigh, before nodding and pressing one last kiss to your cheek before exiting back out. 

and you thank your lucky stars. he came back. 

--

you smack nobara in the back of the head when you make your way back to her and yuuji. because not only are yuuji and nobara nursing two glasses of red wine, but they’re also emptying her trusty hot pink flash into the glass when people aren’t looking. 

“are you insane?” you whisper. 

“do you want a sip?” yuuji asks. 

you immediately take the glass from his hand, earning you laughs from the two of them, as the three of you lean against the wall, watching everyone mill around the room. as irritating as the guy was, mr. itadori was really only all types of heinous and horrible with those closest to them. 

to the community, it was a grave loss. and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room – except from the three people it was probably expected from the most. 

you could hear the whispers. they were so strong. you fight the urge to laugh in their faces. it was the understatement of the century. 

sammy joins you on the wall after an hour of mingling, an awkward jostle between her and nobara, before the two of them were sharing their glasses and muttering under their breaths about how insane maki and mai were. 

“funerals are weird.” yuuji mumbles, leaning his head against yours.

“how so?” 

“these two idiots were fighting at your birthday like a week ago. and no one’s even batting an eye that mr. johnson is sitting with his mistress while his wife gets drunk in the corner.” 

“that’s not his mistress. she was blonde.” 

“bold of you to assume there was only one.” 

you shiver in disgust, earning you a laugh from yuuji, as you finish off the last of his glass. except that’s right when sukuna walks up to you, eyes panicked as he takes the glass from your hand and sets it on the table. 

“hey baby.” he whispers. 

“hi sukuna. want some of our conc –” 

“whatever happens, i’m right here, okay?” he says, the tone in his voice urgent. 

you laugh, looking over to give yuuji a weird look, only to find that he’s staring past sukuna’s shoulder, swallowing hard. 

“huh? i don’t follow.” 

sukuna pinches his eyes shut, almost like he’s pained, before moving to your side, when you finally see it. he squeezes your hand so hard you think he might have broken it. 

you suppose it’s ironic. 

yuuji and sukuna’s shitty dad is dead. and your deadbeat one is standing four feet away from you, with two little girls at his side.

Chapter 19: middle name

Notes:

the brain rot is getting so crazy that I wrote this with my eyes closed

all you can do is stare.  

there’s the smallest hint of gray hairs mixed in with his natural color. his hair is longer, but it’s still the same color. he has the faintest smile lines near his eyes and that small wisp of a beard that he used to always sport is long gone. 

he looks younger. what you assume is his youngest daughter is wearing a sparkly green bracelet. green was always sammy’s favorite color. they both seem to have his nose – though that’s really the only resemblance they bear, since they almost entirely take after the lady at their side. 

she had to be younger than him, a willowing black dress clinging lovingly to her figure. she had the same smile lines and that short haircut that you find young moms always sported, with three stacked silver chains and a glittering diamond on her finger. 

you wonder if she smells like vanilla like your mom does. 

“don’t react.” 

you turn to your left to find sammy at your side, sukuna and yuuji hovering in the background with matching hazel eyes filled with concern. you shake your head – throwing away the image of their picture perfect smiles – as you focus on sammy, mostly on the fact that her upper lip is trembling. 

sammy was always the favorite. 

“what did you say?” you ask. 

“don’t react.” sammy repeats. 

you pause, mulling over the thought. 

“okay.” you respond. 

“yeah? because we can’t give that asshole the satisfaction. he has no right barging in here the way he just did.” sammy seethes. 

you give her a nod, before she takes her side next to you on the wall, the four of you leaning against the wallpaper. sukuna slithers his hand into yours, offering you a smile that you don’t return, before focusing back on the four of them in the living room. 

it annoyed you – that you didn’t have enough time to really consider what the best course of action would be. not reacting, you suppose you could understand the appeal. of showing him that you were above him, that he didn’t even warrant a response. 

but deep down, you wondered if that would bother you the day after next. if you would be standing in the shower, rinsing the soap out of your hair, and somehow come up with the right thing to say, that would perfectly encapsulate whatever it was that you were feeling. 

though you suppose that’s easier said than done. you can barely put words to whatever it is that’s forming in your chest. 

you watch as he talks to sukuna’s old basketball coach. so loudly animated as he chats – about how the property values are better two towns over and how the school district is better for the girls. you wonder if the coach thinks it’s offensive. you wonder if he ever considered that you and sammy needed to switch to a better school too. 

and it happens in a split second – your dad catching the sight of the four of you – before lifting off the couch and closing the distance between you. yuuji shoots you a weary glance as he gives the four of you a bright smile, before clearing his throat. 

you catch a slight whiff of the lemon smell as he walks up, though the lingering scent of smoke you remember gone all together. 

“sukuna. is that you?” 

you look over at sukuna, watching as he swallows hard, before clenching his jaw. 

“yes.” 

you watch as he frowns, before pressing one of his hands to his chest. 

“i’m so sorry for your loss, kid.” he states. 

“sure. thanks.” sukuna responds, rather stiffly. 

you can tell that your dad finds the situation uncomfortable – being treated so blandly by the kid he watched grow up, a kid that he knows could surely be more expressive than that – as his eyes flicker over to you and then back to sukuna. 

“your dad told me you studied abroad in europe. is this a pretty girlfriend you brought back?” 

you bite down so hard on your cheek that all you taste is metallic blood pouring out of the side of your mouth. the implication makes all of you seethe. 

that he still talked to people in town. that sukuna’s dad had known his whereabouts, probably for years. and worst of all, that he didn’t recognize you. 

“what?” sukuna hisses. 

your dad turns over to you, eyes bright, as he holds his hand out. you can feel a sensational burning in the back of your eyes. 

“he always used to brag about how his son was studying with the greats. i’m mr. l/n. i’ve known sukuna since he was little.” he states, holding his hand out. 

you swallow down the lump of bile, before extending your hand out to him, unsettled by the freezing cold feeling. 

that was in no way what mr. itadori said. and he didn't know sukuna, only briefly, when he was little, before he ran away. and you know exactly who he is – far too well. 

“nice to meet you.” you mumble. 

“take care of this one, okay? he’s a tough one, but we all need a little love sometimes.” he jokes, lightly tapping sukuna on the shoulder. 

you watch as he gives sukuna a lingering smile, before shuffling over two steps to where sammy is. sukuna places his hands on your shoulders, his eyes boring into yours – like he’s trying to beckon for your attention – as you watch the two of them. 

“hi sammy girl.” he whispers. 

you watch as sammy’s eyes water. sukuna watches as you clench your jaw. 

“hi dad.” she whispers. 

so much for not reacting. 

you wonder if you would have broken just as fast if he recognized you. though you suppose you’ll never know, because he didn’t. 

it’s a long list of things you’ll never know. the questions that bother you at night – the ones that expose that deep rooted rot that festered in your brain –  seem to come to the surface for the first time, in broad daylight. 

when did he fall out of love with your mom? when was sukuna going to fall out of love with you? why does he have such a distaste for you? if you were more polite like sammy, would he have stayed? if you screamed a little louder, would the begging have worked? 

“i wanted to tell you something.” 

you watch as he slings his hand around sammy’s shoulder, squeezing hard, before pointing to the two little girls that are seated on the couch, the two of which were making a mess of mrs. itadori’s coaster set. you wonder what she’d think fo all of this, if she wasn’t so preoccupied. 

“those are my girls. claire and molly.” 

you watch as sammy scrunches up her nose, her fists clenched into little balls at her side. 

“molly was born a year ago. she’s a little shy, but she loves music. but claire, claire’s the exact opposite. headstrong, strong-willed. exactly how a big sister should be.” 

“so?” sammy asks, her voice dripping with attitude. 

he shakes his head. 

“what i mean is that my girl claire reminds me of you. my first girl. so much so, that…well. claire and molly are real special to me. but you, my sammy girl, are always going to be the person who made me a father. that’s why i made claire’s name claire samantha.” 

you watch the tears spill from sammy’s eyes, the most bitter contempt in her eyes, as she turns to him, wiping away the stray. 

the questions return. what festers in someone to breed such cruelty? what horrors could you and sammy had exacted in your past life to deserve it? how much pressure does it take before something cracks? 

would sammy ever get over the fact that she had basically, for all intents and purposes, been replaced? which one is worse – not warranting recognition or just enough to be traded out for the shinier new model? 

“thanks dad. that’s real kind of you.” she mutters, crossing her hands over her chest before leaning back against the wall. 

you watch as his face falls, albeit halfheartedly – the clear inclination that he didn’t really mind that the statement didn’t land as he intended – before he turns back to the three of you and gives you an awkward smile. 

“family stuff.” he mutters. 

he disgusts you.

“well, i’ll take my leave. molly’s about to start fussing. i’m very sorry for your loss again, boys.” 

you watch as he walks off, retreating back to the couch and picking up claire – claire samantha – before you feel sukuna’s lips on your temple, his hands rubbing circles into your side. yuuji’s at sammy’s side, offering her his pocket square which she takes. 

“oh shit.” sammy mutters. 

“what?” you ask. 

“he’s going to the patio, where mom is.” 

you clear your throat, turning on your heel to move, before sammy reaches for your elbow. 

“it’s better if you stay here. you don’t want to make things worse when he realizes it’s actually you.” sammy responds, before walking off towards the direction of the room. 

sukuna watches as you step back, cursing the fact that sammy, for the most part, always seemed to have a horrible way with words, as he reaches for your hand. 

he knows what she meant. that whatever reaction your mom was going to warrant would get infinitely worse when she realized that your own father wasn’t able to recognize you at first glance. 

but she didn’t need to say it like that, sinking words placing the blame on you. 

“she didn’t mean it like that.” yuuji states. 

sukuna watches as you look over at yuuji, face blank, as you nod. he can see that you’re picking at the scab from the shot glass a few days prior on your hand, but you sidestep too fast before he stick his hand in between yours and make you stop. 

“i know.” you respond. 

it stings. 

“i’m just going to take a minute. i’ll be back.” you respond. 

you drag your feet as fast as they can take you to sukuna’s room, before shutting the door behind you, quick and fast breaths heaving out of your chest as your vision blurs. sukuna’s voice is quiet, muffled by the wood. 

“hey. i’m on the other side when you’re ready for me, okay pretty girl?” 

--

you sit in sukuna’s room for two hours, watching the sun sink down into the horizon from his window, watching as people trail in and out of the front door from below. it’s a pretty sunset – a vibrant mix of purple, blue, and pink – with the clouds swirling beneath. 

if sukuna’s dad was a different type of guy, you’d almost think it was a sign from him. that sweet solace that people felt – seeing their loved ones in the beauty of nature. 

though, you’d figure he’d be more of a hurricane or a tornado, wrecking havoc to everything he touched, as opposed to a pretty sunet that shed light. 

sitting at the windowsill is the first time you realize that from sukuna’s vantage point, he’s always had a perfect view of your bedroom window. it’s not exactly level, so you assume that he was probably never able to see much, except for if your light was on or off and if your curtains were pulled. 

you wonder how often he stared at it. 

you find one of his sukuna’s old hoodies and pull it over your dress, before climbing into his sheets and pressing your face into his pillow. it smells faintly of his shampoo, the smell so sweetly comforting, as you feel your eyes swell up, the choking feeling in your throat unbearable. 

the sounds that leave you are embarrassing, but luckily, you’re the only one who can hear them. 

[sammy]: mai came to get me. let’s talk tomorrow okay? 

the typing bubble appears, before disappearing. and after a few minutes, a second text followers. 

[sammy]: i love you. 

you wonder if that complicated, infected part of your brain that seemed to always cultivate some type of disgust for sammy, even when nothing really happened, was a part that you got from your dad. 

you’re almost positive that it is. and it bothers you that it somehow feels like it’s something so fundamental, almost biological, that she’ll always rub salt into a wound that you can’t even heal. 

you turn your phone off instead. 

--

“are you okay? your mom mentioned that you went upstairs pretty abruptly, said you needed a minute.” 

sukuna looks up to find your mom standing there, two ice cold bottles of water in her hands, before she plops down on the carpet next to him, hiking her knees to her chest. the usual picture of perfect hair is astray, the front stands pulled out, and sukuna absentmindedly wonders if you get your hair pulling habit from her. 

he doesn’t respond. only because what he said was a lie. 

not entirely at least. it was true that he needed a minute, it was just an obstruction of truth that he really needed to take that minute for you. 

sukuna notes that she doesn’t mind the silence that much – not only because it’s something that she was well versed in, the mere fact that sukuna didn’t really like to talk when it came to things like this – and instead changes the subject. 

“has she come out yet?” she asks. 

“no. did yuuji tell you what happened?” sukuna responds. 

she smiles, leaning her head back against the rungs of the stairs. 

“you missed quite a show downstairs.” 

“what?” 

she laughs, before reaching up to mess with the ends of the strand closest to her ear. 

“he walked out onto the patio with his wife, cindy he said her name was, because he wanted to offer his condolences. your mom responded by slapping him across the face.” 

sukuna wishes he was there to see it. or do it himself. 

“he was about to start yelling but that’s when sammy came out. i got the gist of what happened before, because sammy basically dragged him out on his ear, giving him a choice set of words about how he can’t gives his new daughter the same names as his old ones, and that he wasn’t her father, no matter how much he deluded himself into thinking that he was.” 

sukuna watches as she pauses, taking a shaky breath. 

“he told sammy that he wouldn’t really want to be their father anyways, which is why he left, and yuuji punched him in the face.” 

sukuna pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“i really did miss a show, didn’t i?” he mutters. 

“nothing we aren’t used to. i’d think hell froze over if there wasn’t some type of drama at this thing. though, i’d expect violent dramatics from you, not yuuji.” 

sukuna shakes his head. 

“he came up and talked to all of us before you. he didn’t even recognize y/n, he…he thought she was some girlfriend i brought home from studying abroad. and i’d almost understand it – she was really little when she left – but there’s no excuse. she looks the exact same.” sukuna offers. 

sukuna looks over, seeing the same bridge of your nose mirrored in her face, before looking back at the faded paint chipping off the wood of his bedroom door. he wished that he had yuuji’s horrible habits of hoarding snacks in his room, just so that you weren’t sitting in there crying.  

“do you have the key?” 

“what?” 

“the key to the door.” she states. 

sukuna bites at his lip. 

“i’m not going to open it. or give it to you. she’ll come out when she’s ready for me.” sukuna mutters. 

he watches as she laughs, full bellied and warm, before reaching forward and tangling the matted mess of his hair off of his forehead. 

“have i ever been one to force you to do anything?” 

sukuna sighs, slumping against the wall, before shaking his head. 

he had heard the sentiment before, the first time he carried his tired and bleeding knees to the porch, after being kicked out of his house for the first time. 

he nearly beat his knuckles bloody from knocking on the door loud enough before she came down, tired and weary eyes that were instantly snapped awake at his crying. and he can’t exactly remember what it was that he said, though he assumes that it wasn’t short of rudeness. 

when he begged to stay. and when she let him in without a second glance, he said it quietly.

“you can’t force me to tell you what happened.” 

and the response was always the same – the seventh, eight, and ninth time – before he finally got a understood. 

have i ever been one to force you to do anything? 

“do me a favor, sukuna.” she states. 

“okay.” 

“let me take care of your mom.” 

sukuna looks over at her, taken aback by the sentiment. he was half expecting the half hearted lecture that sammy gave him months prior, about being careful and gentle with her sister, and was expecting a tougher version of that to come from what he knew was a very opinionated and defensive woman. 

“what?” 

“the worst part is over. i appreciate you picking up slack with me where you could and i’m sorry i couldn’t help more.” 

sukuna shakes his head. 

“she was basically debilitated. you had to stay with her.” he offers. 

“and you sicked my daughter on your brother. but his boyfriend has got him for the rest and i’ll be with your mom for the foreseeable future, like i always have been.” 

“i don’t think –” 

“you’re leaving here tonight. and you’re taking my daughter with you.” she states. 

sukuna shrugs. 

“i can’t just leave her. she’s my mom and…and she’s been so fucking fragile for the past few days. you saw how she acted when –” 

“and you’re her son. that’s not your job.” 

she pauses. 

“you step back and take care of my daughter. and maybe more importantly, let my daughter take care of you.” she whispers, raking her fingers through his hair again. 

sukuna feels a shiver down his spine, before shaking his head. he can’t just leave. 

“no.” 

“sukuna.” 

he shakes his head again, this time more fervently. 

he can’t just leave. he can’t just pawn his own mother off to her and his brother to megumi and walk away. 

“you know that godawful, shitty dining table downstairs that your dad picked out? the one that we gave to goodwill when he left for his trip to new york?” 

“yeah.” 

he remembered the fight that followed after when he realized it was gone. and sometimes, he wondered why his mom would pick a fight over something so trivial as a table. 

“it was really heavy. seeing it every day irritated her to no end – that this was her house and her space and that he had taken over it another time. it pissed your mom off so much that every night, after they fought, she’d try to push it out of that damn room on her own. ” 

sukuna snorts. 

“i remember that.” 

she smiles. 

“i remember it too. watching her try to push it out of that room on her own, barely making a dent in moving it the merest inch. i think sammy even took a picture of it with that shitty disposable camera i bought her.” 

sukuna rubs his palms together. 

“okay.”

“i ended up helping her. carried one side and we were able to move it a few more inches. it didn’t really do much, so i got that piece of shit down the street, to help us too. and the old guy who used to live next door, the handyman. your dad was on a three day trip and it took five of us to push that god forsaken table out of the house.” 

sukuna feels her pull him closer, wrapping him in a hug. it makes his chest pang, eerily similar to the feeling of being sixteen and sitting on the fact that he was going to leave without saying goodbye. 

“my point is that there’s just some things you can’t carry alone, son.” 

sukuna feels his throat dry. his eyes water, as he understands – the embarrassing and pitiful question spilling out as a byproduct. 

“what if it’s too heavy for her? what…what if i can’t hold her up?” he asks, shaking his head as his voice cracks. 

what if sukuna breaks his lifeline? an even worse fate than you dying – being the one responsible for killing you. 

she smiles, before gesturing to her left, where sukuna sees yuuji standing. 

“you’re more than capable, sukuna. you always have been. and there’s always an extra set of hands to help you lift.” 

the thought comes an hour later. 

maybe his mom did get to meet the love of her life. and maybe it just wasn’t the person he was expecting it to be. 

the second one that follows makes even more sense. 

of course the love was always going to be there between you and him. it was destined before you even got here. genetic even. 

--

you make it back home around two in the morning, to three plastic wrapped plates of dinner and megumi asleep on your couch. 

it feels a little bit like intruding, but the two of you can’t help but stare as yuuji lightly nudges megumi to wake up, the latter of whom literally bolts up at the sight of him, arms quick on his face before pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

you look over at sukuna, gesturing for him to turn around with you, as sukuna unboxes the closest package – the replacement of the broken mug from your birthday – as you hear the two of them retreat, a quiet goodnight whispered to the pair of you. 

“which mug do you want?” he asks. 

“we can just share.”

there’s a ghost of a smile on his face as he wraps his hands around your wrists, his touch warm as he pulls you forward, tucking you straight into his arms and resting his chin against the top of your head. 

and you’re not sure when it starts, but it’s not long before he’s quietly weeping, his frame shaking under you as you bury yourself closer to him, his heart pounding under your ear as you run your hands up and down his arms, quietly whispering into his ears. 

he doesn’t stop. he makes no inclination of stopping and it sends a shiver down your spine. 

you pull back, cupping his flushed pink cheeks, and wiping away the wetness from his eyelashes before locking your fingers together behind his neck. 

“you took my jacket.” he whispers, voice strained. 

“it was cold in your room.” you respond. 

he nods, before leaning his forehead against yours, quietly trying to steady his breaths in pace with yours, before he abruptly pulls away, and leans against the granite. 

“what’s wrong?” you ask. 

he gestures his head to the left, where yuuji is standing, before quickly wiping the wetness from his face and pouring the warm milk into the mug. you give him a nod before retreating over to where yuuji is standing, his eyes glued to sukuna. 

“yuuji?” 

yuuji looks over at you, shaking his head. 

“sorry. i wanted to take a shower. do you –” 

“i’ll get you a towel, yuu.” 

yuuji watches as you retreat, socks sliding on the tile, as he runs his hand through his hair, a deeply sweltering hot regret in his chest. 

he had you pegged all wrong. both of you, written off the second he found out about it. 

yuuji had the tiniest glimpse of it the other day. the way you so freely ranted to sukuna, watching as he quietly attended to you by braiding your hair to stop you from pulling at it, really – exuding a quiet comfort he didn’t even know he possessed. 

but this was worse. because while you were being exactly who he knew you to be – maybe just shocked that you were able to do it with someone else – what he just saw in the short amount of time – sukuna freely crying, or more importantly, openly humbling himself to let someone in to help him crawl out – it was foreign. 

unheard of. yuuji was almost positive that sukuna hadn’t even done it before, being so vulnerable with someone. 

and he had been giving him a hard time for it

“here’s your towel.” 

yuuji grabs your hand as you hand it over to him, squeezing hard as he looks up at you, teary eyed. 

“thank you.”

for loving my brother. 

“of course. get some rest.” you respond, giving him a smile as you watch him retreat back to the room. 

sukuna’s crying has ceased when you make your way back to the kitchen. there’s a steaming cup of hot chocolate with a godawful amount of marshmallows and whipped cream, that he passes over to you for the first sip. 

“i’m back.” you respond. 

he nods, as he place the cup in your hand hand. and it’s a searing warmth in your cheeks as sukuna lifts his hand, wiping the whipped cream residue from the top of your lip. 

“real cute.” he responds, before licking the excess off his own fingers. 

you shrug. 

“i try.” 

he smiles, taking the mug from you. 

you’re confused by what happens next – because it looks like he’s going to say something, even going as far as opening his mouth to start talking, before he clamps it shut, with something steaming behind his eyes that you can’t really understand. 

and he does it a few times.

“are you okay?” 

“yeah. yeah, i just…was trying to figure out how to talk.” 

“how to talk?” you ask. 

“you know. about all the stuff.” 

you hum in response, before looping your arm around his torso, watching the marshmallows slowly dampen under the warm liquid, the smallest amount of steam still leaving the glass. 

“it’s probably a lot.” you murmur. 

“you have no idea.” 

“how about you pick one thing? and we’ll do one thing at a time.” 

sukuna nods, heaving a deep sigh, before tangling his free hand into your hair. 

“my dad was a piece of shit.” 

one of the marshmallows sinks down into the cup, the curved waves of the whipped cream disintegrating with it. 

“i mean…my dad was a piece of shit. he died a piece of shit and now he won’t ever be anything else.” 

you nod. 

“do you…do you know those lifetime shows? where people go on the news and talk about how…how different things changed their lives? like families getting out of horrible financial situations and being happy or people finally getting time to put the work in to better themselves?” 

“yeah.” 

“i had this really, really crappy thought that i held on to when i was a kid. that some day, that prick would just wake up, and realize what really mattered. that he’d put in the work, that i’d watch my mom get what she deserved, and…and he’d come to my wedding.” he murmurs. 

sukuna shakes his head, before clenching his jaw. 

“knowing him, the last thing he probably said about you was shitty. and not because he was some vile, sick asshole filled with hatred for you – but hatred for me. for yuuji. for the fact that you were fine with yuuji just as he was. liked me just as i am.” 

the steam from the mug is gone. 

“that stupid asshole died just as he was. a homophobic, misogynistic prick. he won’t ever change.” 

you lean your head against his shoulder. 

“still hurts, doesn’t it?” you ask. 

sukuna nods. 

and thanks his lucky stars that you had that in you, to parse out what he really meant. that his dad died just as he was and now sukuna knows that whatever it was he lost out on is something he won’t ever be able to get back. 

grief for what was never going to be. 

“more than you know.” he responds. 

sukuna pauses. 

“what do you think about it?” he asks. 

you look down at the mug. 

“that it’s his loss.” 

“what?” 

“by some turn of fate, your dad was very undeservingly blessed with two very loving children. it’s his loss that he’s died without even getting to feel even an inch of that. and i get it, that on paper, his legacy, his career – it’s seemed so worthwhile to people at your house. that even though he died young, he lived a very full life.” 

you push the mug over to him. 

“to me, it always seemed like he was chasing something. a better title at work, a bigger party he could throw to show off, anything that made him feel like he was larger than life. and i feel sorry for him. he’s had two boys that give the word love meaning under his roof for all these years and it’s embarrassing for him that he never got to feel it.” 

you shrug. 

“you won’t ever get to have the dad you wanted. but he won’t ever get to reap the benefits, the good love, of what he already had.” 

sukuna leans forward, gentle hands on your cheeks, before locking his lips with yours, the kiss mixed in with his quiet tears. 

the best kind of kiss he could give you – affectionate. devoted. and bare. you felt like the smallest parts of him were in the palm of your hand, to cherish and preserve. 

“your turn.” he whispers. 

you snort. 

“do you have short term memory loss? i just told you what i thought.” 

sukuna shakes his head, wiping the wetness on the back of his hand, before clearing his throat. 

“i gave you three hours in that room. it’s your turn.” 

you elbow him in the side, before lifting the mug with your hands. 

“i gave you a week.” 

“you’ve always been more patient than me. i nearly broke the door down.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“i know you have a key.” 

“and i’d never use it.” sukuna affirms. 

you smile, seeping in the warmth of the ceramic mug, as you look down at the flowery print, a mottled mess of liquid swimming from everything you had mixed in the cup.

“some part of me thinks that i’m rotten.” 

sukuna watches as you set the mug down, reaching for the ends of your hair as you twirl them in your fingers. 

“what?” 

you sigh, warm tears in your eyes. 

“i always thought that there was something wrong with me. there was always a rotten part of me, deep down, and everything i was doing was to keep it from getting out. like…like an infection or something.” 

“okay.” sukuna whispers, his tone in his voice beckoning for you to continue. 

“he’s vile. he’s vile for showing up to your dad’s funeral. for not even saying a word to yuuji when he was there the day he was born, for trying to sweet talk on your behalf like he knows you or something. having a new family, two new girls, not even sparing a second glance to what came before.” 

you pause. 

“and he’s my dad. he’s vile and sometimes i feel like he’s…he’s in my head. that some part of him is always going to be intertwined with me and deep down, running through my blood, and that’s why i won’t ever win.” 

sukuna reaches forward, cupping your warm cheeks in the palm of his hands. and you look up at him, warm brown hazel eyes so washed in concern for you, and it makes your chest hurt. 

“i look at you and all i can think about is that one day, it’ll be the last time you’ll look at me like that. because you’ll leave. you’ll realize that it’s just lipstick on a pig, or…or too much and you’ll take your leave for something better.” 

sukuna wishes that he was the one who got to punch him instead of yuuji. 

“what do you think?” you ask. 

sukuna drops his hold, lifting your hands against his lips and pressing a kiss against your knuckles. 

“that i wish i punched him instead.” he states. 

“what? someone punched him?” 

sukuna smiles. 

“my mom slapped him. and yuuji punched him. everyone got to have their cake except for me.” 

you snort. 

“i wish it was me. because i think he’s sick in the head.” 

typical. sukuna was never one to really mince his words. 

“i think it’s absolutely disgusting that he left without a trace and that the one person he talked to when he left was my dad – though i suppose that’s fitting.”

sukuna pauses. 

“it’s been criminal to watch your mom suffer when she’s one of the first people who gave me a lifeline…and when she brought my second lifeline into this world.” 

you smile. 

“i think any bit of harshness or judgment i’ve passed on sammy is unfair, because i think i’d be immeasurably cruel at times too if the one person who was required to love me felt that i was special enough to deserve a replacement, but not enough to be the one who was actually loved.” 

you sigh.. 

“and i think it’s batshit insane that he was unable to recognize you when most of the time, you’re the only person in the room with me. it’s entirely unbelievable to me that the one person he gave no recognition to is probably the only person who would ever deserve it.” 

sukuna looks down at you and frowns.

“you’re a considerate daughter, a compassionate sister – maybe even when you shouldn’t be – and the warmest friend that my brother has ever had.” 

sukuna leans forward, pressing a wet kiss to your forehead. 

“you’re a beautiful girlfriend, so painfully kind-hearted towards me that i’m half convinced you’re god with the way you’re able to fix everything with just your hands. you’re everything good and every part of you is worth acknowledging and appreciating. it’s humiliating for your dad that he’s part of the reason you’re here – and that he won’t ever be able to realize that his greatest accomplishment is you.” 

you lean forward, tucking yourself into his neck, and it makes sukuna shiver – the cold tears running down his neck as you quietly sob, your voice muffled against the fabric of his jacket. 

“you think i’m god?” you sniffle. 

sukuna rolls his eyes, unable to contain his smile. 

“of course that’s what you take away from it.” 

you lean back, looking up at him and the smile on his face. and you commit it to memory – the laugh, the love in the silence, and how it persists in the pain. 

“people worship gods.” you clarify. 

“and i worship you.” 

you curl your nose in disgust. 

“ew, sukuna.” 

“you’re not saying ew when i’m doing it. it sounds a lot more like –” 

you wrap your hand over his mouth, before shushing him. 

“your brother is in the next room over.” 

“he’s always such a thorn in my side.” sukuna mutters, earning you a laugh from him. 

the two of you retreat after the fact. you wash sukuna’s hair in the shower. he insists on doing your skincare for you. and the sun rises on the two of you the next day.

Chapter 20: sharing

things change slightly in the weeks that follow. 

according to your mom, who called you very upset on a tuesday afternoon, your dad had apparently decided to stay in town until the end of the month – and on very strict orders from sukuna and possibly any shred of self-preservation that you had in you – you weren’t going to be going back until he was gone for good. 

messages from sammy were few and infrequent, except for whenever she got drunk – something she very clearly got from your mom. always the same message, deeply apologetic and regretful, and it somehow was very slowly melting whatever it was that happened at the funeral. 

or it was just one of those things. 

she was your sister – she was blunt, a little harsh at times, but well meaning. or at least trying to be. but she was still your sister and for some reason, you were just going to get over it, in the real way, without thinking twice. 

but you do realize that it was too naive to think that years of butting heads and stepping on each other’s toes wasn’t going to go away just because you had decided to be friends and sang kumbaya while buying lingerie. 

that much should have been obvious though, since sukuna and yuuji had done their version of that years prior, and yet still had the meltdown they did a few months ago. it was always one of those complicated things you figured – growing up in the same house, being competition, stuck in admiration or hatred. 

the family business, one that sukuna and yuuji both refused to ever be a part of, has fallen at the seams. and while sukuna has no intention of ever working there – much to satoru’s delight – he’s fixing the mess of the finances that were left behind for all of the employees and the stipends that he were going to help his mom. 

meaning he has to go back to town. the town that you refuse to return to for the time being. and he won’t let you accompany him.   

and it’s in the week that he disappears that you wonder if you’re starting to be too codependent. if it’s normal for you to miss someone this amount, to worry about him so much, to the point where he occupies your every thought. 

he tries to call when he can. sometimes they’re a few in between because you know that he’s spending time with his mom, that he doesn’t like being home, that whatever it all is – it’s stressful and he hates it. 

your mom sends you a picture of him once in a while. sometimes you stare at it for a little too long. 

“hi sweet girl. how are you?” 

his voice sounds tired over the phone, the smallest hint of a rasp tinged in with the strained tone. 

“i’m okay, ryo. how are you?” 

sukuna can feel his heart sink at the nickname. at the fact that you use nicknames, terms of endearment, and he hasn’t heard them in days. 

“good, good. are you getting ready for bed?” sukuna asks. 

“yeah.” 

there’s a quiet beat. maybe you should have been more descriptive than that. that was a little flat. 

“is that fucking gel cat strawberry in the spot next to you?” 

you smile. 

“it’s a jelly cat. and yes, it is.” 

“enjoy it while it lasts. i’m going to throw it out the window when i get back.” 

“you’re so rude.” 

he laughs over the line and you can’t help but sigh before immediately regretting it. 

you wonder if he sleeps well. or if he laughs often with the moms or if he’s just run in different directions trying to make sure they’re all okay. 

“oh don’t break my heart, now. you miss me, sweetheart?” he murmurs. 

you can tell by the tone in the voice that he’s trying to coddle you. you almost want to give in just to hear him sweet talk you down. 

“yeah. gets real scary here without you.” you joke

“is that right?” 

“not actually. but you know like right before you go to sleep and the house creaks? i panic for one second and then decide that i should send a prayer out to the universe so i don’t die before falling asleep.” 

“always one for the dramatics.” 

“i know. i’m sure it always creaks but i’ve always shared a room – either with sammy or with mai across the way who was always blasting music. and you snore, so i never even not–” 

“i don’t snore.” 

“yes, you do.” 

“no, i don’t.” 

“i will admit. while it does take me some time to fall asleep, i’ve never slept so soundly with you gone. it’s so serene.” 

you know for a fact that sukuna’s rolling his eyes on the other side of the line. 

“wow, sweetheart. i should just do you a favor and stay here longer then.” 

“every night i wake up in a panic without you! i’ll never sleep again!” you joke. 

sukuna laughs. 

“that sounds about right. but really…i…i’ll be back soon, okay? i don’t like being away for so long.” he murmurs quietly. 

you frown. 

“don’t feel bad. you know you have to be there.” 

“i don’t feel bad. well, maybe i do a little but i mainly just fucking miss you.” he mumbles. 

you smile. 

“sap.” 

you pause. 

“i miss you too, you know?” 

“i was waiting for that. give me a little more.” he responds. 

you smile. mainly at the fact that he expresses what he wants so openly. or that he misses it just as much as you do. 

“i miss you a lot. it feels so weird to sleep in our bed without you that i fall asleep on the fold out couch.” 

sukuna scoffs. 

“you mean you fall asleep watching tv and don’t move because i’m not there to pick you up?” 

“yeah, more like that.” 

sukuna laughs. 

“sleep in the guest.” 

“ew. it smells like yuuji and megumi’s cologne. and while they smell great, i don’t like smelling like them when i wake up.” 

“does our bed smell like me?” he asks. 

“yeah but i prefer the real thing so i sleep on the couch. i refuse to elaborate.” 

sukuna gets it. 

“i’ll be back soon, okay? i’m almost done and then…then i’m running back to you, alright?” he whispers. 

“okay. i do have something planned this weekend for your birthday, but don’t stress about it. it won’t be anything big.” 

sukuna pauses. 

he forgot that his birthday was coming around. 

he would be lying if he was saying that he wasn’t looking forward to it. he supposes that he was your opposite in that way. since no matter what it was, the circumstances good or bad, your birthday had been soured so bad that nothing could make it good – not even him. 

he didn’t blame you. or even take it personally.  

but he couldn’t relate. because he knew you – and it wasn’t arrogant of him to assume that you were going to go all out, no matter the circumstances. not only did you have a bad habit of leaving tabs or notes that were very clearly labeled gift ideas out in the open, but he knew that you would do something special for him, that he’d get to chart in all of the cherished memories that he had with you. 

it would be another sour patch of his that you’d sew right over, with careful and steady hands. but with every milestone that he thought of now, it was bittersweet. 

first birthday with you. first birthday without his dad – not that it really meant much in the first place. 

“no parties.” sukuna clarifies. 

“no, it’ll actually be just you and me. and i think you’ll like it, you–” 

“i’ll love it.” 

you smile. 

“i love you.” you state. 

he’s quiet on the other side of the line. 

“sukuna?” 

“i want to say it back but the moms are staring at me.” he mumbles quietly.

you smirk. 

“say it.” 

“no.” 

“you’re going to let me go to bed without an i love you?” 

“i’ll text it to you.” 

“ryomen sukuna. tell me you love me.” 

sukuna sighs. 

“i love you. call me if you can’t sleep, okay?” 

you can hear giggling in the background. and you’re sure he’s three different shades of pink. 

“i will.” 

--

not even an hour later, yuuji is standing on your doorstep – with a peachy smile and a bag slung over his shoulder. 

“yuuji? you–” 

“sleepover!” 

he walks past you and falls straight onto the couch, placing his bag next to him as he reaches for the remote. you quickly shut the door and take the spot next to him, watching as he starts shuffling through the movies, so cavalier about barging in so late and unannounced. 

“do you always show up to people’s apartment’s unprovoked with all your things?” 

yuuji smiles, reaching forward to flick your forehead. 

“no, just for you.” 

“figures.” 

you watch as he flits through all of the movies, nestling his head into your shoulder, as you return the gesture and lean your cheek against his. it takes two seconds for you to figure it out. 

“did he call you?” you ask. 

“he did. said some weird stuff about tables and carrying stuff. pretty sure he was just asking me to keep you company, which don’t mind if i do.” yuuji responds. 

you smile. of course. 

“i made one half joke about how i don’t like to sleep alone and he sent you running.” 

“isn’t that sweet? i can tell he’s been thinking about you a lot.” yuuji responds. 

you lean back, giving him a confused look. and you can tell by the look on his face that he knows exactly what you’re trying to get at, but pretends otherwise. 

“what? it’s sweet! he asked me to come take care of you.” yuuji clarifies. 

“since when do you find him sweet? no lecture about how he thinks i can’t handle things on my own?” 

yuuji scoffs, before pressing on the princess diaries. 

“you can’t take care of anything on your own.” 

“what a vote of confidence.” you deadpan

yuuji sighs, as you watch the movie start, and both sink deeper into the couch. a telltale sign that you realize both sukuna and yuuji have – one that you deeply appreciate – is that they’re always careful with their words. 

the opposite of sammy really, of your dad too. they won’t talk until they know whatever they’re going to say is something they mean. 

“you can take care of things on your own. but i like that being with him means that you don’t have to sometimes. for both of you.” yuuji states. 

you smile. 

“i like that too. it’s a nice change.” you respond. 

“i’m really sorry, y/n.” 

“i know.” 

yuuji swallows hard, reaching for the remote and pausing the movie before he turns to your side, your limbs now a tangled mess of being criss-crossed as he leans forward. 

“really. i’ve been so shit to you when this is all i’ve ever wanted for you.” 

“it’s okay. this…this stuff is really complicated for you and…” 

yuuji shakes his head, before looking down at your joined hands, fingers interlocked together. 

“this isn’t any excuse but…but…” 

yuuji sighs. 

“when sukuna came back, i thought he was really different. i mean, he was really different. i don’t know what you noticed, but he came back softer. he always gave me my space and let me come to him and we were working back through all of our stuff together.” yuuji starts. 

you’re not sure if you noticed a difference after he came back. he always seemed the same as always – a little withholding, like he was keeping you at arms distance. though, that seems to make more sense to you now. 

“but he’s still the brother i grew up with. there’s still things that i’m sensitive to, that…that i can’t get over.” 

you feel a pang in your chest. 

“i get that. you know…i kind of get that with sammy sometimes.” 

yuuji frowns. 

“yeah?” he whispers. 

you can feel the bitter contempt in your chest lingering. 

“i don’t know. i thought things were going well but…sometimes it’s just the same things as before. she’s just…always brushing me off. so harsh with her words. sometimes i think about the funeral and i’m glad sukuna’s not here just so i can lock myself in here and be alone.” 

you shake your head. 

“it’s like she’s picking at a scab. it’s the one thing i don’t want her to do and it’s the one thing that always happens. and she’s the only person who has that power in the first place, who…who gets to be that sore spot. and i know that it’s just how it is and it’s complicated but…” 

“but you can’t.” yuuji finishes. 

you shrug. 

“you were my scab.” yuuji states. 

you curl your nose in disgust, looking up to find the same expression mirrored on his face before you both laugh. 

“real cute.” 

“i mean…my thing with sukuna was that he was always better than me in every respect. that…that everything he did was perfect, that…that he was born normal and i wasn’t.” 

you cringe. 

“you are normal, you..” 

yuuji smiles. 

“i know i am. i just mean in my head, i always figured things were so easy for him. school was easy, sports were easy. he liked girls – he’d never have to sit there and debate if he was ever going to meet someone who liked him and when if he did, he wouldn’t have to give up his entire family for it.” 

yuuji pauses. 

“you were my best friend. you are my best friend. you’re my thing that’s always been easy. we don’t really fight, spending time with you never gets old, and…and really, you’re the only person i’ve known will always be around.” 

you smile. 

“it just felt like another thing he was going to be better at than me. and it’s selfish, but it was something i didn’t want to share. and i don’t expect you to get it, but…” 

you scoff. 

“don’t expect me to get it? you’re forgetting that i was the one who had to learn how to share you first. and maybe i didn’t say it out loud, but…i had some evil monologues for megumi that i was cooking up in my head.” 

yuuji laughs, almost like he’s relieved. 

“really?” 

“trust me. there was an entire basis behind the petty comments that i was making. i should have been more open with it but…but i don’t hate you for feeling that way. if anything, it makes me kind of happy, i guess. it did feel like you forgot all about me once you guys started dating, but…it’s nice to know you feel that way still. about me. even if it was annoying.” 

you pause. 

“you and i are special. and i can’t speak for you, but…sukuna’s never going to be what you are for me. i love him, but you…you’re not someone who could ever be replaced.” you affirm. 

yuuji smiles. 

“and megumi isn’t what you are for me either. he’s the love of my life. but you’re always going to be my soulmate.” 

you smile, rolling over the word in your head. soulmate – you and yuuji were soulmates. and he leans forward, placing his hands on your shoulder and squeezing. 

“now go on. tell me about him.” 

“what?” you ask. 

“i know you want to tell me about how happy you are. how it makes you feel. and i want to hear it. just refrain from talking about like how big his dick is or whatever and i’ll be fine.” 

you smile. 

“really? you mean it?” 

yuuji smiles back. 

“i’ve unfortunately heard the entire story of what that asshole was doing to you after the fact. it would make me really happy to hear how happy you are now.” 

you lean back on the couch and explain it all to him – french toast, bridgerton mugs (which he winces at when he remembers sammy broke them), emails, his coworkers, kisa, and everything in between. 

you don’t hear the apartment creak at night when you go to bed – instead it’s his labored breaths next to yours. 

--

sukuna makes it back early in the morning to find yuuji making breakfast in the kitchen and what he knows is you facedown still dead asleep in the mound of blankets on the couch. he gives yuuji a noncommittal wave before walking over to the couch and bending down at the side. 

sukuna can’t help but reach forward, brushing his back of his fingers against the softness of your cheek before tangling your hair away from your forehead. he can smell the remnants of the shampoo in your hair, your lips still a glossy pink from the balm you put on at night. 

“wake her up. give her a kiss.” yuuji whispers, now standing at his side. 

“are you crazy? she’s sleeping.” 

sukuna shakes his head, reaching forward to press a kiss to your hairline, before the two of them shuffle back to the kitchen. sukuna settles for a cup of coffee as he watches yuuji make the mix of french toast, the stillness hanging in the air between them. 

“dunno. if it were me and i went days without seeing megumi, i’d wake him up right away. why deprive myself of love and affection?” 

“you should deprive yourself more often. i’ve seen you two kiss far too many times. heard the words gumi bear way more than i’d like to.” 

yuuji snorts. 

“was she happy you came?” sukuna asks. 

“yeah. doubt she heard any of that creaking or anything she was telling you about since we were talking the entire time.” yuuji responds. 

it’s a small breath of relief – that sending yuuji was the right move – only to be coupled with guilt. 

sukuna hadn’t had time to check in on yuuji. 

“what did you talk about?” 

yuuji grins. 

“you.” 

yuuji looks over at him, grinning at him fully this time. 

“special edition bridgerton mugs? twilight themed emails? who knew you were so fucking corny? and that you watch bridgerton?” 

sukuna can feel his cheeks heat up, as he rolls his eyes. 

“she loves that shit. she made me watch it.” 

“no, she didn’t. she told me that you had watched it already and that your favorite season is the first one? not only are you a liar but you have god awful taste.” 

“let me guess. you like kate and anthony, like every other person on the fucking planet?” 

yuuji rolls his eyes. 

“everyone likes it for a reason. it’s perfect.” 

the two of them glare at each other, before giving up, and letting the same stillness take over. it’s not exactly uncomfortable, but there’s something lingering there – the two of them are stuck in their own heads about how they’re going to approach it, and more importantly, who is going to do it first. 

it’s yuuji. 

“the mugs thing is sweet. i’m sorry sammy broke them.” 

sukuna shrugs. 

“i’m bidding on ebay. no big deal.” 

yuuji notes that he responds to the second part of the statement and not the first. 

“i like that you do nice things for her. she really appreciates that you do.” yuuji repeats. 

 sukuna sighs. 

“did she say that?” 

yuuji smiles. 

“all that and more. she really loves you.” 

sukuna lets his eyes wander back to the couch, settling back into how foreign the apartment feels from being away for so long, and trying to let it all come back to him – how it was before he left things, how the two of you were. 

he’s scared he’ll do it wrong. 

“I’m really happy for you too. she’s exactly what you deserve.” yuuji states. 

it’s a weird sense of deja vu that sukuna gets – of the very first night. that loud bar, the mildew smell in the bathroom, and your tear streaked pink face. of the very first time that it occurred to him that there were people who had upset you, who had let you down, and that maybe he was the only person who was good enough for you – because he was the only one who intended to give you what you deserve. 

that he got to reap the goodness of the sweet love when he knew for a fact that he’d always be one to give it back to you, no matter how he was. that he was exactly what you deserved – maybe the only person who was because of how much he loved you. 

“what?” 

yuuji takes a beat. 

“were you expecting the opposite?” yuuji asks. 

“do you blame me?” 

yuuji shakes his head. 

“i am really happy for both of you. but i wouldn’t lie if i said i was more happy for you. i’ve known her a long time – and i’ve always wanted her to have someone who saw her for how special she is. and i always knew that it would happen, it was just a matter of time.” 

yuuji continues. 

“but i’m more happy for you. i had no idea that you had liked her for that long. i only now realize that the only person you could be that open with is her. and well…i don’t fucking know. shit sucked when we were kids. maybe for all of us, but for you the most. i know she loves hard. and i mean it, that’s what you deserve after everything.” 

there’s a lump in sukuna’s throat. he wants to tell yuuji everything – about why he left, about how him being around made it easy for him for a long time, how there was a time where he didn’t think he was going to live past twenty and now he’s reaching yet another birthday on the weekend. 

“i spent my entire life thinking i’d never get to be in love. and i’m not sure if that’s what you thought – but i know you weren’t ever thinking you’d get the girl of your dreams, and that on top of that, that it would be perfect. but really. it’s nothing more than what you deserve, sukuna.” 

but all he does is give him a nod. yuuji’s smart enough to parse what it means – that in the long rambling that he heard last night – he knows he has to learn how to read the silences, the quiet cues. 

“it means a lot to her that you came around.” sukuna starts. 

sukuna clears his throat. 

“and to me too.” he finishes. 

yuuji smiles. 

“and i suppose i should thank you. i always said she was like family to me, but it’ll be nice to tell people she’s actually my sister in the future.” yuuji responds, before squeezing his shoulder. 

sukuna smiles. 

“do you really let her call you ryomen?” yuuji asks. 

“yeah.” 

“thought you hated that name.” 

“i did.” 

there’s a reason that he went by sukuna. because every time that he slipped, he’d hear that godwful venomous voice, of his father telling him that he had given him such a special family name – and that sukuna had done nothing to deserve it. 

sukuna vividly remembers when he was a kid, when he used to beg everyone around him to call him sukuna, correcting them until they virtually forgot that his name was ryomen in the first pace. 

sukuna can feel the dryness in his throat, accompanied with a burning wetness in his eyes. yuuji makes no comment about it. 

“she just says it with so much love.” 

sukuna pauses, trying to will away that rising wave of emotion that was simmering in his chest, and put it away for the time being. 

“what did she get me for my birthday?” sukuna asks. 

yuuji nods. 

“she’s taking you on a weekend trip. a few cities over. she said there’s some cherry blossoms in season and that there’s a few museums that she wants you to see. figured it would be a nice rest for you given everything that’s been going on.” 

sukuna sighs, only because the wave comes back in full force. 

to be loved is to be known. 

clear cut proof that you had heard him loud and clear, when he had bared his soul to you. and not only that, but had known well enough that whatever was stewing in his head was getting dangerously close, maybe the closest it had been in years, to the edge – and that you had every intention to pull him back in the way he had pulled himself out in the first time. 

“is that good?” yuuji asks. 

“it’s perfect.” sukuna responds, before giving him one last nudge. 

sukuna decides that he won’t deprive himself. and instead leans forward, pressing his lips against yours – and pleasantly surprised when you smile right back at him in your sleep, his name honey on your lips, as he sinks into your arms. 

Chapter 21: weekend getaway

there’s a lingering feeling ruminating in the back of sukuna’s head when he wakes up. and it’s almost like he’s in a crowded room – like he knows there’s something creeping up against the wall that he has his back turned to and he refuses to look at it. 

sukuna could die today. so could you. he could get a call and realize that the last thing he said to yuuji was lackluster or you could be horribly devastated if sammy died before you got to properly reconcile things and at least be on stable ground with her. 

you could have a heart disease. the ultrasound that he went to with you, where the doctor whispered reassurance that your heart’s chambers and valves were in perfect shape, could be wrong. he could go to sleep next to you and not wake up the next morning. 

he ignores it for the time being. 

“i figured that it would be nice to spend the weekend together away from here. i planned out a few things that i thought you’d like if that sounds like something you want to do. you know, birthday boy and all.” 

it’s a nervous anticipation – this trip either being a horrible misstep or one of the best things you’ve ever done – and it surges through you as you pass the little handwritten itinerary over to him. 

the past few weeks felt like push and pull, but it seemed more stable as time went on. he would disappear to help his mom with something, but half of the time, that you were convinced it was just something that he needed to do to assuage his own guilt. he’s always come back the same, just as keen for his time as you were for his. 

at times, it was hard to watch. watch him try to calm his mom, and comfort yuuji, and in the few seconds he had with you, trying to sweet talk you to ease too. you hoped the trip would at least let him pump the brakes a little bit so you could do it for him. 

and you watch as sukuna picks it up, scanning it over with his eyes, with his left hand still wrapped on the inside of your thigh, his fingers warm on your skin. 

aquarium, cherry blossoms, dinner at home <3 

“you planned a trip for me? for my birthday?” sukuna asks. 

sukuna’s purposely pulling at your leg – he’s been looking forward to this trip since yuuji told him. 

“yeah. i just thought it might be nice. to take some time away, just the two of us. in fact, you can even go without me!” 

sukuna smiles, setting the paper down, before using his ankle to pull out the stool of the kitchen island so you’re facing him properly. he can’t help but do it, nestle himself in between your legs with his hands on your hips – watching the nervous expression in your eyes as you look up at him. 

it’s a little mean, pulling your leg this way. but sukuna was just relishing in this fact – that you were still trying to do nice things for him, looking for his approval for things as small as gifts and birthdays. 

the two examples he had as a kid – his parents and your own – he was always convinced that this sort of thing, the novelty of a relationship, was just something that wore down over time. that a day would come where you would be used to what he was giving, and he would be too, and you’d both fall into a slow monotonous thing together. 

or maybe even before that, you could die on him. he could die on you. yuuji could die and you would never be the same or some cancerous rot could be manifesting in his pancreas without him knowing until it was too late. 

“i can even go by myself?” sukuna asks. 

“i know that…” 

“know what?” sukuna asks, a little to eager with tantalizing eyes. 

you sigh. 

“i know the stuff recently has been a lot. and i love you and i know that sometimes getting away is something that could be nice to help you kind of process things. and i realize that i’m a part of those things so if you want to go alone, you could also do that. i just want –” 

sukuna leans forward, hands firm on your waist, before pressing his lips against yours. you can feel him smiling, a laugh leaving his lips, as he nearly topples you off the stool, extremely eager for nine in the morning. 

“i hope you know that when i want to get away from things, i kind of want you to get away from them with me from here on out. you’re my main thing.” sukuna murmurs, leaning back the slightest and rubbing his thumb against your lower lip. 

you smile. 

“oh thank god. i’d totally let you leave on your own if you wanted to but then i’d probably cry about it a little.” 

sukuna laughs. 

“and you wouldn’t ask to come with?” 

“i mean, i don’t know! i know you like to get away to do your own thing. i don’t want to be a distraction.” 

sukuna grins, poking his tongue in his cheek. 

“i mean you’re always a distraction. just the good kind. and i love what you put together. and…” 

sukuna pauses, flitting his gaze down to your hands and lifting your knuckles against his lips. 

“it makes me happy that you know me well enough to know that this is something i’d like. and that i need.” sukuna responds. 

you can feel the warmth rushing to your cheeks, come over with a weird wave of shyness at being praised so openly. 

because it was one thing for him to shower you in his constant infections, but the fact that he was able to parse out exactly what you were putting down – and appreciate you for it – left something else simmering in your chest. 

“did you pack for me already?” sukuna asks. 

you give him a nod, as he presses a wet kiss to your cheek before nestling himself into your arms. 

--

the lingering feeling becomes more apparent to him when the two of you make it into town and when your wrap your arm in his at the aquarium. the itching feeling has peeled off the wall, making a slow arching march towards him, but sukuna’s determined – he will ignore it. he is going to enjoy this day with you. 

sukuna has a newfound appreciation for the aquarium. he was never really a fan of that type of thing – sea creatures and water – just a personal preference of his, but his opinion was entirely changed after the fact. 

well, slightly. he didn’t really care for the aquarium. what he did care for was watching you walk around the room, pressing your fingers to the glass, and the quiet murmuring that you offered him. 

“that’s an opah. they also call it a moon fish.” 

“an opal?” 

“no. an opah. o-p-a-h.” you whisper. 

sukuna smiles at the almost angry insistence in your tone, matched with your wide eyes glued to the tank, and your skin bathed in the almost neon blue light of the aquarium. 

you could lose your voice. something could break in you and you could never smile at him again. if you lost your memory, all the quick witted facts you would always tell him would cease all together. 

“an opah. okay baby, tell me more.” 

“they’re really rare so they’re good luck. they like to stay alone unless it’s mating season.” 

sukuna was always walking bad luck. he had a horrible track record – it wouldn’t be shocking to him if he had everything he wanted in the palm of his hand, and by some cruel twist of fate, this is when his body would give out on him. 

“so it’s my type of fish.” sukuna states. 

you roll your eyes. 

“my ass. you were getting around during mating season. and otherwise.” 

sukuna scoffs. 

“i’ve changed.” sukuna defends. 

“yeah, just don’t go changing history, idiot.” you respond, linking your arm in around his wrist as you pull him to the other side of the aquarium. 

sukuna watches as you cross your hands over your biceps, eyes pressed through the glass, as he takes the second to watch you. he wonders if you would find it weird if he took a picture of you, in the weird blue light. 

that could be the last one he takes. you could bring kids into the world and die right after the fact. he could raise kids that looked just like you, being forced to recount stories through pictures, through faded memories that would soon even be lost to him. 

your shoes have bows on them – something you told him earlier were called ballet flats – and he immediately decided that they were his favorite, only because he thought they were so fitting to you. a frilly white lace skirt with a black top, matched a pair of earrings and the necklace he had gifted you. 

and naturally, a pink ribbon in your hair. he reaches forward, fingers in your hair as he tightens it against your hairband, smiling at the quiet thanks that you murmur as you look around the little tank. 

sukuna leans forward, that itching feeling creeping up into his skin, and trying to lean into your touch to avoid it instead. 

“are you looking for something specific?” he whispers, his breath tickling your neck. 

“yeah. it’s a butterflyfish.” 

“what’s special about that one?” 

“it mates for life. which is kind of rare for fish.” you respond. 

sukuna smiles. 

“you know a lot about fish mating patterns. you have something you want to tell me?” 

“you know i like animals. i literally want to be a vet.” 

“speaking of, did you hear back from anywhere?” 

sukuna can feel the sudden tenseness that seems to manifest in your frame, as you nearly shrink at the question. and he curses himself for dropping the ball, the tension of the fast few weeks immediately blindsighted him to the fact that you were at the most painful part of the process – the waiting. 

“uh, sure.” you respond. 

“really? did you get in?” 

“well, not really, but it’s your birthday and…” 

sukuna immediately pulls back, his hands around your wrists, as he looks down with hazel eyes drowning in concern. 

“i’m sorry sweetheart. are you okay?” he asks. 

you frown. 

“can we not talk about this right now? it’s your birthday. your weekend! i don’t want to –” 

“my weekend. and you’re my girlfriend. if you want to –” 

sukuna watches as you shake your head, eyes pinched in something he can’t really place as you look up at him, the expression in your eyes really begging. 

“sukuna. not right now, okay?” 

“okay. later?”

you smile. 

“for sure, okay?

and sukuna watches as you look around, before giving him a smile and standing at the tips of your toes to press a kiss to his lips. and he snakes his hand around your neck, drinking in the sweet taste of your mango lip balm and your strawberry scented perfume, and wonders if you’ll let him kiss you forever. 

“hey.” you whisper. 

“hey you.” 

“you’re my butterflyfish.” 

sukuna smiles. and when you pull back, the sinking feelings rushed all the way and creeped into his bones. he can barely get another word out for the rest of the aquarium. 

because he could collapse in your arms. he could ruin your life if the electric signals in his brain stopped working, if his blood was rotten, and it would be his fault for tying himself to you in the first place. you could mate for life and he could leave it at any second. 

--

sukuna enjoys the cherry blossom trees. he enjoys the fact that the sun is sinking down into the horizon, that the golden rays peek through the bits of the leaves, and that your head is in his lap, and it makes it easier to focus. 

“have you ever heard of sylvia plath’s fig tree?” you ask. 

sukuna shakes his head. you gesture for him to join you at your side, as he sinks down and lies down on the blanket with you, the two of you looking up at the pink branches hanging above. 

“well, this isn’t really a fig tree, but just imagine.” you respond. 

“okay.” 

“sylvia plath talks about this green fig tree in her book.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“figs are a sex coded fruit.” 

“i beg your pardon?” you ask. 

“you know. from that hades story.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“are you an idiot? that’s pomegranate.” 

“fuck. well, i feel like in every old fucking story about like sex and the wonders of sin or whatever they’re always fucking yapping about figs. so shut up.” 

you shake your head, before looking back up at the tree. 

“the forbidden fruit is apples.” 

“no, it’s not. apples aren’t even good.
 

“okay, well, that’s your opinion.” 

“we’re not getting into a debate about this. talk about your fig tree.” 

you roll your eyes at him, before pressing your cheek into his shoulder. 

“sylvia plath talks about this fig tree. and how she saw her life in the tree. and each fig on the tree was a life of hers. one was a happy family and a good husband and the other was a famous poet and a professor and the list went on and on. each one was a very specific thing that she saw in her life and she found it really, really difficult to pick which one she wanted.” 

“and?” 

“and she took so long that they all wilted at her feet. she was starving but she was so indecisive that she just couldn’t pick one, so she was at the edge of the tree, and she watched as they all went to ruin at her feet.” you respond. 

sukuna pauses. his fig tree could die. someone could cut it down by driving drunk or not paying attention on the road. 

“what do you think about it?” he asks, twisting the ends of your hair in his free hand. 

you shrug. 

“just that i’m really glad that you’re the fig i ended up on. the others don’t really pale comparison in my head.” you murmur. 

“oh thank god. i was going to give you a whole the grass isn’t greener on the other side lecture just so you wouldn’t leav eme.” 

you laugh. 

“it reminds me a lot of something my mom said to me.” you state.

“and what’s that?” 

you lean over on your side, tangling your legs in with his, as he mimics your motions, his forehead pressed against yours as the sun sinks down behind you. 

“not trying to push you into talking by saying it.” you clarify. 

“well, i fully know you are and i won’t do it unless i feel like it.” 

you sigh. he knew you too well. 

“okay.” 

you reach forward, interlocking your fingers with his. 

“i asked her about grief. i know that you…you’re feeling it and it’s not something that i’ve ever felt. and i just wanted her advice on how to help you.” 

sukuna’s convinced he won’t ever find someone like you. he prays he won’t have to. 

“she was telling me that grief reminds people about how they loved wrong. that since that person is gone permanently, all people can really think about is all the ways they wished they did things differently. and i don’t think that necessarily applies for your dad, but…i don’t know. it applies for me. i want to love you the right way. and my sister. and your family and my friends and i just…have a weird sense of perspective now.” 

sukuna smiles. 

“the mere fact that you love me is enough for me. that’s quite literally the only thing i’ve ever wanted from you.” sukuna asks. 

“i know that. but i want to love you in a way that’s special. you’re like…my literal godsend. you’re so perfect and understanding and patient…and i know what it’s like to feel the complete opposite with someone and i want you to know that i appreciate that about you. that you’re loving. that you’re a good guy and you never…embarrass me and actually make me really happy to flaunt you around and stuff.” 

“flaunt me around?” 

you roll your eyes. 

“you’re hot and you know that. and you’re smart and you make money and you’re a really good brother and a son, which is like very attractive.” 

“right. keep going.” 

you scoff. 

“as if.” 

sukuna shrugs. 

“you do love me in a way that’s special. and i like to flaunt you too. like, yeah the girl i’ve been obsessed with since i was a kid actually loves me back, if you can believe it.” 

the quiet voice in sukuna’s head seems to taper a little bit. though it feels a bit like a slippery slope – just because you make him feel like he’s on top of the world doesn’t mean he actually is. 

“i do love you back. maybe even more than you.” 

“that’s a very bold statement. and one i’ll never agree with by the way.” sukuna responds. 

--

sukuna thinks that the dinner might be his favorite. only because his head is quiet for the few hours you spend with him. a special recipe that you picked out for him to make, one that you watch him intently cook with your feet dangling over the kitchen counter, and your grabby fingers trying to snack on the pieces that he was preparing. 

“stop eating the salad. it’s not even finished yet.” sukuna scolds. 

“i’m so hungry.” 

“come eat this butt. the food is almost done.” 

“don’t tempt me, whore.” you respond, pushing off the counter as you wrap yourself around his torso, pressing a kiss to the bare skin of his back. 

that was the thing that you could appreciate about sukuna. that down to his core, he really did have whore tendencies – even if he was in a committed relationship. because he really did walk around with his shirt off for no reason, that he almost did the domestic things because he knew you were turned on by them, and that he liked to push your buttons when it came to things like this. 

“i’m the whore? i’m not wearing lingerie under my shirt. the shirt you stole from me, by the way.” 

you feel your cheeks burn. 

“did you think i didn’t notice? you can’t really get these things past me.” sukuna responds. 

you scoff. 

“because you’re a common street slut. sorry i don’t have as much experience to compete with.” you respond. 

sukuna laughs, before turning to you, one of the free cucumbers that you were just picking out of the salad in his fingers. he hands it you, clearly meant to be a peace offering, that you angrily snatch out of his hands. 

“i’m not a common street whore. you packed it in my bag by accident. and i can put two and two together, you’re obviously going to wear it tonight.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“why’s that so obvious?” 

“it’s my birthday.” 

“so you think i’m going to give you a lap dance because your brain fully developed?” 

“i’d appreciate that..” 

you shove him in his side. 

“stop teasing. it’s not funny.” you respond. 

and sukuna opens up his arm, gesturing for you to take the space in between his arms, as you press your cheek against his bare chest and wrap your arms around him. he continues to cut the vegetables with his arms around you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

“you’re into that type of thing.” he murmurs. 

“sue me!” you respond. 

sukuna laughs as he pulls back, setting the knife down and wiping his hands, before angling your face up and reaching for the buttons on his shirt. you can feel the nervousness come over you – the mere fact that the two of you hadn’t done…anything…since his dad died – as you reach for his hands to stop him. 

“sukuna.” 

he pulls back. 

“do you want me to stop?” 

“no. i mean, i just figured you wanted to eat first.” 

“no, i do. i just want to see how my pretty girl looked, that’s all.” 

“okay, yeah.” 

sukuna narrows his eyes at you. 

“you sure?” 

you give him a nod, as he brings his hands up again, unbuttoning the buttons of the shirt of his that you had stolen. it’s a quiet sigh that escapes his lips, accompanied by a wet kiss to your cheek, before he pulls back. 

“do you wear pink on purpose?” 

“do you walk around with your shirt off on purpose?” you ask. 

sukuna grins. 

“okay, fair point. sit there and look pretty. i’m almost done.” 

sukuna plates the food nicely and the two of you eat it from one plate. he’s always one for the dramatics – insisting that you sit on his lap and the two of you share utensils and all because it’s more intimate – and he tells you about every birthday he’s ever had. 

in europe, at home. getting a bike as a gift, sharing his wii with yuuji, seeing the eiffel tower for the first time. getting special colored flame candles on his birthday, sucking the helium out of balloons, and getting kicked out of an arcade. 

and he’s quick with it – pulling the blinds, dimming the lights – before he pulls you into his lap, hands warm on the bare skin of your waist as he pulls you in for the first time in weeks. and he can tell – that you’re a little too eager, that it’s been a little too long, and he tries to forget the fact that it could all be over in a second. 

“are you going to tell me about vet school?” he murmurs, breath warm on your lips. 

“i’m wearing this pretty outfit for you and you’re going to talk to me about vet school?” you murmur back. 

“just curious.” 

you pull back, noting the pink flush on his cheek and the panting in his chest, as you give him a nod and reach up to tuck your hair behind your ears. and you can tell that he’s immediately attentive, that he’s on the defensive and that whatever he’s about to say is about to be ten levels of supportive – even though it doesn’t feel like you deserve it. 

“i applied to ten schools. and i got rejected from nine.” 

“and the last?” 

“it’s in my inbox. i just don’t want to open it.” 

sukuna reaches forward, cupping the side of your cheek in his hand, before reaching forward to press a kiss to your forehead. it’s sweeter than the last kisses he gave you – those being fast and fervent, eager, and intoxicating. 

“is there a reason you didn’t tell me? i hope it’s not because i’m going through things, because i always want to be here for you regardless of that.” he asks. 

you shrug. 

“no, it’s not that at all. it’s just that it makes it more real.” you respond. 

“i don’t follow.” 

you sigh. 

“if i tell you, you’re going to be sweet and tell me that i’m smart and capable. that these things are really hard, that there’s lots of factors that go into it, and that there wouldn’t be any shame in trying again. that all of the work i did was still worthwhile, that i’ll still get there and all my stress won’t be for anything.” 

“that’s right.” he responds. 

“but that’s the thing. that makes it real. you having to tell me that, it…it means i failed. it means i fell down and you had to pick me up. that i’d have to acknowledge the fact that i did.” 

sukuna frowns. 

“you know i’d say all of that to you regardless?” 

“it’s different on the heels of a rejection.” you respond. 

“but you didn’t open all of them. there’s still one left.” 

“that i probably got rejected to.” you respond. 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“you can’t possibly know that.” 

“i mean, given my track record…” 

sukuna pauses, before reaching over on the nightstand in hiding your phone. 

“that’s easy. set the record straight. open it.” 

you narrow your eyes at him. 

“sukuna.” 

“you’ve already made it real. i think you’re my smart and capable girlfriend, who will most definitely be a vet someday, even if you open a rejection email right now. this is all part of the journey and this setback only makes you more resilient, would only make you a better vet than you could have been prior.” 

you sigh, taking the phone from him, as he leans over, eyes peering down at the screen. and it’s the one email in your inbox that’s unopened, as you look up at him and give him a weary smile. and it’s just as quick, one touch before your entire little screen is doused in little confetti, as you read the opening paragraph. 

congrats y/n l/m! you’ve been accepted to the university of tokyo veterinary school in the class of 2028! 

you look up at him, at the bright smile on his face, as he wraps his arms around your waist, peppering warm kisses all over your skin. and you can feel your heart racing in your chest, your head nearly racing at the thoughts swimming through your head as sukuna leans forward, his voice quiet. 

“what was that  you were saying about a track record, future doctor?” 

“oh my god, shut up.” 

“i’m so proud of you, you know that?” 

you give him a smile, before pressing yourself into his embrace. 

“future doctor.” you whisper. 

“future doctor. my dad is dancing in his hell somewhere.” he responds. 

“and mine is somewhere trying to remember what my name is.” you respond. 

the two of you laugh, leaning your foreheads against each other, as you take the quiet beat, letting it sink in. 

you’re going to be a doctor. sukuna hopes he lives long enough to see it. that you live long enough to do it. 

“wanna know the crazy part?” you ask. 

“what’s that?” 

“i did all this and you’re talking to me about vet school.” you respond. 

what you expect is a giggling joke back is instead a pair of warm lips on your neck, accompanied by that horribly edging gravelly voice that sukuna uses when he murmurs. 

“sorry, sweetheart. was this what you had in mind?” 

you’re barely even to muster a response as sukuna sinks his teeth into your sweet spot, a laugh leaving him as he watches you nearly keel your head back at the feeling. 

--

three hours later, fresh and clean, you’re asleep at sukuna’s side and the thoughts are so petrifying, he considers that he might die just from how much they’re haunting him. that the reason his voice was so quiet during dinner is because now hours later, after the fact, it’s so dangerously loud that he thinks it’ll do something to him. 

a car crash. a rare and hard to diagnose disease. a mass casualty incident. the 0.01% statistic. 

sukuna thinks about the fact that he lied earlier. 

the mere fact that you love me is enough for me. that’s quite literally the only thing i’ve ever wanted from you. 

he lied because that’s not true in the slightest. 

it’s not enough for him to have you love him back. he needs every last second of it, every last second of a long life to feel it for as long as he can. he needs your heart to be in tip top shape, he needs to be as fit as he can, the two of you have to live the long life that he had in his head. 

it haunts sukuna too. what you had mentioned, about what your mom had said. 

grief is proof of all the ways you loved wrong. that if you died in his arms tomorrow, he’d sit there with thousands of regrets. that he didn’t tell you he loved you enough times. that he didn’t get to marry you. that you never got the love that you wanted, the lifelong love you dreamed about. 

sukuna pushes up off the bed, head in his hands, as he can’t stop the suffocating, warm wetness in his throat and the sounds from leaving his throat. and it’s just as fast, because in the minute that follows, he feels your warm hands on his back, rubbing circles into his skin and accompanied by your sleepy voice. 

“ryomen. what is it?” 

“you’re going to think i’m crazy and you’re going to leave me.” he responds, his voice raspy. 

you frown. 

“what are you talking about?” you murmur. 

“i’m going to ask you to do something. and you’re going to think i’m crazy and leave me.” he repeats, almost more distressed this time. 

“ask me.” you respond. 

sukuna sighs, almost angrily rubbing the heels of his palms against his eye sockets, before he looks over at you, eyes weary. 

“get dressed. we’re going to a tattoo parlor.” he responds. 

--

the walk over is quiet, his hand wrapped around yours, as he nervously eyes the small groups of people that are still lingering on the street in the dead of night. the city is noticeably quieter at four in the morning and sukuna’s got some version of his guard up as he pushes you into the closest tattoo parlor, two blocks down from the hotel. 

the entire room is bathed in a neon light from an LED sign, as sukuna walks up to the boy at the counter. 

“do you have rings?” 

he nods, pushing off the stool, as he starts rummaging through the little plastic boxes that are hanging on the shelf of the wall. 

“rings?” you whisper. 

“this is the only place open right now that would have them.” sukuna responds. 

the boy returns just as fast, opening a little plastic box of a mixed arrangement of rings, as sukuna lets go of your hand and reaches for one. it’s a plastic green, mimicking the appearance of jade, as he reaches for your hand and settles it on to your ring finger. 

“okay. we can go back now.” 

you cross your hands over your chest. 

“it’s four in the morning. you can’t just drag me here and do that with no explanation.” you murmur. 

sukuna frowns. 

“please drop it.” 

“sukuna. no, i can’t just –” 

sukuna reaches for your hands. 

“please. i’m begging you, don’t make me explain what that was because you’re –” 

“i’m not going to think you’re crazy! in fact, the only thing crazy right now is that you did this in the dead of the night. you’re scaring me and i just want to know whatever it is that’s going on your head so i can help you.” 

sukuna watches as warm tears well in your eyes, your hands cold against his cheeks, as you take your turn to beg. he feels horrible. 

“just tell me what it is.” you murmur. 

sukuna sighs, before shaking off the embarrassment. 

“grief is proof of the ways you loved wrong.” he murmurs. 

“what?” 

“my dad is dead. he’s dead and all i really think about is how you could die. and if you died, all i would think about is how you would have died before i got to give you that.” sukuna responds, pointing at the ring. 

you raise your eyebrow at him. 

“a plastic green ring?” 

sukuna sighs. 

“a wedding ring.” 

you feel your throat dry, noting the fact that there’s warm tears welling in his eyes now. 

“a wedding ring?” 

“i’m going to give you a real one. obviously, i’m going to give you a real one. i even…i even have it all planned out. i want to take you to see the waterlilies. and i want to propose to you there. but i don’t know if i’ll ever get to do that. i don’t want to die without giving you one of those. and i know it’s fucking insane but my dad died so just fucking ignore it if it freaks you out or if it’s weird and just throw it away tomorrow, okay? i’m clearly just having some type of…” 

sukuna stops as you let go of his hand, feeling his heart sink in his chest as he watches you march over to the plastic box, your eyes peering through the box. 

there goes his chance. he’s scared you off. every bit of insanity that he’s shown you has come to this moment – where he’s in a dirty tattoo parlor, talking about marrying you. being so paranoid that you’re going to die that he has to give you something, that he has to marry you even if it’s in his head. 

you march over and find another one – a plastic green ring – before you march back over to sukuna, reaching for his hand and securing it around his ring finger. and you watch as he looks down, quickly clocking what it is that you’ve done, before he looks back up at you, eyes wide. 

“what are you doing?” 

“you can’t just…give me a symbolic wedding ring and not expect me to give one back. i don’t want to die without giving you one either.” 

sukuna can feel that itching feeling that he felt in the morning, whatever it was, come to ahead right in that moment – in a dimly lit, sweaty smelling tattoo parlor – as he nearly starts sobbing, pressing his head into your neck as you lean into his touch. 

“you don’t mean that.” 

“are you serious? you can’t just stand there talking about how you’d regret that you never got to give me a wedding ring and think that i wouldn’t feel the same way after you pointed it out.” 

sukuna only hugs you harder. 

“i think a lot about what it means that i got to have you this much later in my life. i could have started dating you when i was four. or when i was in highschool. or when you came back from europe. i have a lot of regrets when it comes to you – not knowing what you were going through earlier, not reaching out to you sooner.” you respond. 

you shake your head as he pulls back, red bleary eyes staring back at you. 

“i finally have you. i won’t have any proof of all the ways i’ve loved wrong when you died. and i’ll die trying.” 

sukuna gives you a teary laugh, before cupping his hands around your cheeks. you can feel the plastic clad finger on your cheek, taking the second to admire the one secured around your own had. 

“you’ll do a whole comprehensive test with your doctor, not just your cardiologist. you look both ways before you cross the street and always keep your pepper spray with you. don’t delay showing your doctor what looks weird, and…and don’t die on me.” sukuna murmurs. 

“okay.” 

“and i won’t love you wrong either. everything conspired to get me here, with you, right now. that plastic ring will be a real one, you…you are going to stay here.” 

you can tell that he doesn’t really believe the last part. 

“yes, i am.” 

“you…you are, right? because i fucking love you. you…you can’t do that.” 

you smile. 

“the plastic ring will be a real one. and i’ll be right next to you.” 

a very teary eyed sukuna leads you out of the tattoo parlor, swirling the little plastic ring on his finger, as he reminds himself of the fact. that you’ll be right next to him. 

it’s the only solace he has. and quite possibly, the only one he needs to get him through it. 

“y/n.” he whispers. 

“yeah?” 

“i never got to ask. are you going to marry me?” 

you smile, admiring the little rings on your finger. 

“one day.” you resond. 

it fills his heart with an insurmountable amount of hope.

Chapter 22: water lillies

 

sukuna realizes that repetitive phrases help him in the year that follows. that no matter how dangerous it feels, the feeling of hope is one that he has to keep in his chest, regardless of his track record of horrendously horrible bad luck. 

he’s not going to die tomorrow. yuuji’s perfectly healthy. he’s going to replace the plastic finger on your ring with a real one someday. you’re all going to live very long lives. 

there’s a nervous anticipation, an excited one simmering in his chest, as picks up the little tray of drinks – two strawberry matchas, an iced coffee, and a scone – as he takes it back to the table, where the group of them are waiting. 

“what took you so long?” sammy asks. 

“you’re so impatient.” sukuna responds, handing the drinks over to the moms and sammy, before splitting his scone in half and handing it over to yuuji. 

“i’m working on that.” sammy grates, giving him an irritated look. 

sukuna smiles. 

sammy was working on that, after he had very graciously given her the number to his therapist after she called him crying asking for it. 

it seemed that sammy had one too many fights with you, hurt mai one too many times, and realized that she was finally ready to let go of lifetime of hurt that she had accrued. anger issues, impatience, and the insurmountable amount of aching that always seemed to take residence in her chest was on its way out. 

with his help. and with yours, even if you didn’t know about it entirely. 

“wait, where’s y/n?” yuuji asks. 

sukuna smiles. 

“she has class.” 

“oh.” yuuji responds. 

sukuna watches as the confusion contorts in his face, albeit, the strange nature of the gathering catching him off guard. both of the moms, sammy, and yuuji were called here for an early morning rendezvous at what might be the only good cafe in their town – play coffee. 

and sukuna would have waited to schedule this for when you were free, if he didn't have something important to ask all of them. a question that you couldn’t necessarily be present for. 

“okay. i’m not treating you all to coffee for no reason.” sukuna states. 

“i fucking told you. he would never be this nice.” sammy whispers over to yuuji, the two of them nodding at one another. 

“you’re so kind, sammy. you have such a way with words.” sukuna deadpans. 

“i live to please.” she resopnds. 

“is everything okay?” mrs. itadori asks. 

sukuna smiles, before reaching over to squeeze her open hand. 

three months prior, his mom was the last person on the very long list of people that he deserved an explanation too. even more than deserved an explanation – but another person who just deserved to know why he left, what he had been through. 

satoru and suguru had taken it really well, satoru offering him one second of seriousness to very earnestly tell him that he was very happy that sukuna had stayed long enough for the two of them to become friends. nanami had shared his own experiences – the two of them being intrinsically closer than before from their shared past – and shoko responded by giving him gummy bears and a hug, which meant more to him than she could really understand. 

it shattered lots of things for yuuji, something that he felt insanely guilty about – for not catching on to all of it sooner. but sukuna could also tell that it had done something for the two of them, to talk about something, whatever it was that they went through together as they were kids, and it only made him love him more. 

and his mom. for the first time, after a very earnest scolding about parenting and responsibility from your mom, was worried about him. he found it a little bit overbearing at times, the way she would call and remind him at night that she loved him very much and that he was her entire world – but the thought was there. and on the days that he found it hard to quiet the voices in his head, it really did make all the difference. 

to hear you remind him. and his mom and yuuji, sammy and everyone else in between. 

“it’s great. i just have to ask for your permission for something, that’s all.” sukuna murmurs. 

sukuna watches their faces drop. he realizes after the fact that it was a bad choice of words – especially for his mom – when they were the exact ones that he used before he left for europe. 

“i’m not moving.” sukuna clarifies. 

“oh thank god.” his mom responds, dramatically pressing her hand to her chest as he rolls her eyes. 

he looks over at the four of them, a simmering warmth in his eyes, as he takes in the looks on their faces. and it seems that in his delay, the most perceptive of the group, has figured out what’s happening all too fast. 

“oh my god. you’re going to do it, aren’t you?” your mom murmurs. 

“what?” sammy asks. 

“you…you’re going to propose?” she asks. 

“what? you’re going to propose? to y/n?” yuuji asks, his voice almost frantic. 

“YOU GUYS ARE GETTING MARRIED?”  his mom squeals, so loud that it earns her a wary look from everyone else in the store. 

sukuna winces as he lifts his hands, beckoning for the group of them to lower their voices, as he reaches into his pocket and places the little green box at the center of the table. sammy’s the first to snatch it, eyes wide and filled with tears as she opens it up, to the little circular cut diamond, set into the golden band that he had picked out almost a year prior – the second you got home from the trip he went on for his birthday.  

he had been holding on to it for a better part of the year. and it was finally time to use it. he was paranoid that he would never get to replace the plastic ring that he gave you, so he figured that he’d buy the real one as soon as he could – just as another solace to himself that he would actually get to do it. 

“wait. you’re really going to propose to her?” sammy whispers. 

“i am. with all of your permission, of course.” sukuna states.  

he watches as they all give him bright smiles, before reaching forward and placing their hands on his. 

“oh, sukuna. of course, you can marry my daughter.” your mom responds, giving him a bright smile 

“holy shit. you’re actually going to be my brother.” sammy states. 

“that’s if y/n says yes.” mrs. itadori states. 

sukuna gives her a glare. 

“what a vote of confidence, mom.” sukuna deadpans. 

“they already wear those plastic rings all the time. they literally think they’re already married in their heads. don’t be annoying, mom.” yuuji responds, huffing an irritated sigh at her as she rolls her eyes back. 

sukuna takes that as a vote for yes. 

“i’m obviously joking. the two of you have no sense of humor.” mrs. itadori responds. 

sukuna turns his head to the side, eyes expectant as he waits for his mom to give a proper response, noting that phenomenon – of getting so emotional that the feelings get crumpled up in your throat is one that he gets from his mom – as she reaches forward, a warm hand on his shoulder as she squeezes. 

“this is all i’ve ever wanted for you. not only because she’s my best friends daughter, but because…well, it’s all you deserve, my sweet boy.” she murmurs. 

he watches as him mom turns her head to the side, shooting an excited smile to your mom, as he notes that the wedding gears are probably turning in both of their heads just from that shared glance. 

“i’ll need a favor from all of you. two from yuuji and sammy.” sukuna states. 

sukuna smiles, before pulling out the little envelope in his pocket, the four of them giving him weary eyes as he opens it up. 

“whatever you need, son.” your mom responds. 

sukuna memorizes that line – the way that she said it – and commits it to memory. 

“you’ll all have to meet us in france first.” 

--

you and yuuji accompany megumi to the tattoo parlor as he gets his first set of ink. it’s a special design that yuuji drew out for him, a set of constellations that the two of them had charted together on one of their first dates together. 

the tattoo parlor still smells the same as you remember it, bright designs printed on the wall and neon lights, as you take in the little room – the magnets on the fridge and the little frames on toji’s desk. you note that there’s a picture that you took a few months prior, of tsumiki and megumi standing next to him. 

“hi toji.” 

you watch as he looks up from his little work station, his tools and guns meticulously organized, as he taps the seat in the middle, giving megumi a bright smile. 

“right here, kid.” 

after the funeral, you had finally found the time to reconcile with megumi about what happened on your birthday. the two of you got dangerously drunk, talking about deadbeat dads and everything in between, before yuuji and sukuna had to drag you out of there on your ass. 

about how your dad forgot you. about how megumi had never talked to his own. about how when they both left, how your moms spoke so little of them that you almost felt like they were ghosts of nothing. and that on most nights, you were filled with such a deep curiosity – of who they were, of what could have been. 

when yuuji dragged the two of you out of there, he had realized how much he had probably annoyed sukuna on the nights that he asked him to do that. 

but it seems that in the horror stories that you had shared with megumi, he realized that he was left with an agonizing amount of questions about his own father that he couldn't ignore. and one day on a whim – he had marched to the tattoo parlor all on his own and asked all of them, basically till toji was free of every answer that he could possibly give. 

and megumi realizded that there was more to the entire situation that met the eye. that there were things his mom had purposely omitted, for reasons he could understand but not get behind. and weirdly enough, by some twist of fate, was now going to reconcile with his own father. 

you were more than supportive. only because whatever strange fatherly advice of figure toji was trying to be for megumi, he was also trying to do for yuuji as well. it filled you with an almost insane amount of joy, that toji was so approving of yuuji, that he thought the two of them were meant to be together. 

and yuuji deserved that – someone who wanted to be his father. that was proud and happy for him for who he chose to love. that liked him just as he was. 

“you ready, megs?” toji asks. 

“yeah. this is the design.” meugmi responds, handing him over the little half sheet that yuuji had drawn out, as toji nods. 

you take toji’s side as he starts to stencil in the little design at his little workstation, yuuji leaning on the side of the little chair as him and megumi talk in hushed tones. 

“hi toji.” 

he glares at you. 

“do i know you?” he asks. 

you roll your eyes, slightly shoving him in the side, as you lean forward, watching him stencil the little design with his purple marker. 

“you’re hilarious, toji.” 

“i’m a part time comedian. i take tips.” 

you fish into your purse, reaching for one of the coins in there, and throw it onto the little tin working space. 

“you’re so generous!” he deadpans. 

“I live to please.” you joke. 

toji smiles, averting his eyes as you follow his gaze. he’s staring at megumi and yuuji, the two of them with their hands locked into together and laughing under their breaths. and you smile, only for toji to glare at the sweet look you’re giving him. 

while he’s just as much of a sap as sukuna, he hates to be up front about it. especially when it comes o you, because you always feel the need to make a comment about it to him. half because you want him to know that you appreciate what he’s doing for both of them. and because it’s really fun to irritate him. 

you imagine this is how satoru feels when he annoys sukuna. 

“shut up.” 

“i didn’t say anything.” you respond. 

“you were saying it with your face.” 

“you’re projecting!” 

toji glares, sketching the shading on the little constellation, as he heaves a sigh. 

“never did thank you, you know.” 

“for?” 

“dunno. telling him about your shit dad. he never would have come here if he didn’t.” 

“well, i for one, love to tell people about my shit dad. it makes for a funny story.” 

toji smiles. 

“he really didn’t recognize ya?” 

you shake your head. 

“he thought i was sukuna’s girlfriend from europe.” you state. 

“do you want me to kill him?” toji asks. 

you laugh. 

“that’s okay. yuuji punched him for me.” 

“eh? cupcake over there? there’s no way” 

you grin. toji very lovingly calls yuuji cupcake – only because the first time yuuji met him, he decided to bring a box of cupcakes that he consequently dropped on the sidewalk before he could even make it to toji’s apartment. 

“that’s right.” 

“no shit. he doesn’t have it in him. he’s so….sunshine and rainbows. like you.” 

“had a full bruised hand and everything! you’re forgetting that he’s sukuna’s brother.” 

“that’s fair.” toji states. 

there’s a pause. 

“speaking of, how is he?” 

“sukuna?” 

toji nods. 

“he’s okay. doing good, i think. i mean, he definitely has days where he’s…where it’s harder than others. but i’m glad that he trying to work on it now, at least try to be a little bit more open about it.” you state. 

“you know, he came into my shop, a shitty little angry sixteen year old begging me to give him a tattoo.” 

“and you broke the law and gave one to him.” you state. 

“yes. but only because at the time, i could…i could tell that he needed that. and i talked to him about stuff here and there, and i sat there and thought about how if my kid was feeling like this, i’d give them that so they wouldn’t do something more drastic. hurt themselves or something, ya know?” 

you frown. 

“yeah.” 

“and well, it’s fucking great. the fucking idiot walks in here smiling all the time. tells you all his weird shit even though he fucking hates doing it, or at least at the time, he did. he even seems more lively or younger or some shit compared to then. whatever it was that was wearing him down back then has long left him. so don’t worry about him too much? that one’s a fighter.” toji states. 

you smile, your heart thumping in your chest. 

“yeah. yeah, he is.” you respond. 

toji gives you a smile, tilting his head to the side as he beckons for you to join him at his megumi’s side. 

--

sukuna’s voice is muffled against your neck, lips warm on your skin, as he whispers. you’re eying the dresses that you have left – a flowery pink pattern and the white silk dress that sammy had picked out with you weeks prior. 

“wear that one.” 

“what?” 

“the white one. the one with the lace shit, that’s long. i want you to wear that one.” sukuna states. 

you frown. 

“i was saving that one.” 

“for?” sukuna grins. 

when sukuna brings you to france, you know that he’s going to propose to you. because on one of the last days of your trip, he’s taking you to the musée de l’orangerie, where monet’s water lilies are. and you know that true to his word, he’s going to propose there, just like he promised you almost a year ago in that dirty tattoo parlor. 

but you can’t say it forthright. that you’re saving the pretty white dress you have for the day that he’s going to propose. because it’s presumptuous to say he's going to propose, and knowing him, the element of surprise is something that he would have wanted maintained. 

but that doesn’t mean that sukuna doesn’t try to goad it out of you. he hints at it all the time – asking you why you save the dress for the end of the trip, why you’re saving some of your better jewelry for the last days, asking why you wanted to get your nails touched up towards the middle of the trip. 

it’s thin ice that the two of you walk on, that neither of you acknowledge. it’s what makes it exciting. 

“wear this one today, okay?” 

you frown, before scaling away to your suitcases, eyeing the dresses that are left in the bag

“wait but…” 

“you’re wearing the white.” sukuna demands. 

“i want to…” 

“wear the white. trust me, you’ll want to wear it today.” sukuna whispers, leaning over the little distance between the two of you, as he offers you a wink. 

you pause, testing the waters. 

“but…we’re going to giverny today.” 

“that’s right.” 

the water lilies are in paris. he can’t be proposing today. 

“you want me to wear this dress…this white dress…to giverny.” 

sukuna grins. 

“yes. the pink one is better for paris. you know i love pink.” 

you sigh, looking down at the fabric. he did have a thing for you in pink. you give in, putting together the outfit – the white dress, the mary jane shoes that sukuna had picked out for you, and a little pearl clip to secure your hair back. 

sukuna’s taking some extreme lengths – pressing his head in between your legs to buckle your shoes, attentively putting the clip in your hair, and pressing soft featherlike kisses to basically any patch of skin that you can find. 

“you’re in a mood today.” 

“i’m just really excited for giverny.” 

you understand the excitement once you get there. giverny’s the smallest little village in the north of france, a little bit of an hour away from where the two of you were staying, and is filled with the brightest, most beautiful flowers that you’ve ever seen in your life. 

you get into town in the early hours of the morning, the two of you giving each other excited smiles as you set out to the little town. the two of you eat breakfast together in the smallest bed and breakfast, sukuna takes an obscene amount of pictures, and you buy a little charm for your bracelet. 

sukuna gets uncharacteristically quiet, a light pink tinge on his cheeks, as he leads you down a winding road, unti you end up at a little house at the end of the way. it’s magnificent – a few people teetering in and out of the doors – as you eye the brick walls and the green window panes. there’s bright pink flowers at the front, muted purples and greens all around, as you look over at him, taken aback by the fact that he’s already looking at you. 

“sukuna?” 

“this is why we’re in giverny.” he murmurs, lightly pulling at your wrist as he takes you in through the middle of the house, offering a spare glance to the people milling around, and taking you through the back. 

his hand is warm in yours as you walk out to the little backyard, a green bridge across the little pools of water, with willowing trees dousing the entire area in the shade of the calm sun. he leads you right to the center of the bridge, the two of you leaning your chins on the tops of your hands as you look down at the water, your little reflections staring back at you. 

“did you notice what’s in the water?” 

you look around, feeling your heart drop in your chest, at the water lilies almost decorating the entire pond – pink flowers with lily pads of green – as you widen your eyes, the wetness glassing over your eyes as you look over at sukuna, who has the softest smile on his face. 

“i know that i’d lost the element of surprise when i told you that i wanted to propose to you at the water lilies in the musée de l’orangerie. i figured the next best thing was taking you to the real water lilies that the painting was based off of.”  

“wait. wait, this is…” 

“claude monet’s house. his garden, more specifically, and the real water lilies from the painting.” 

you pause.

“you’re going to propose.” you state. 

sukuna shakes his head. 

“not exactly.”

you feel your heart drop.

“what?” 

“i’m going to marry you.” 

you feel your throat dry. and your head spin. and your heart pounding in your chest – because surely, he can’t be serious. 

“sukuna?” you whisper. 

he laughs. 

“don’t freak out. but i’m going to marry you.” he repeats, the tenor in his voice so calm that it nearly freaks you out. 

you reach forward, hands on his shoulders as you squeeze hard, the wetness pouring onto your cheeks as you lean forward, smiling. 

“i would love to marry you. i’d do it right now but..but we can’t just..our moms, your outfit and i…” 

sukuna stops you mid sentence. 

“your sister and my brother are here with our moms. they’re actually watching from that bush if you look back.” 

you turn around, following the direction of sukuna’s finger, as he leans forward, wrapping his arms around your waist and his voice like honey in your ear as he continues. you see four sets of eyes – and yuuji giving you an embarrassingly wild wave – as sammy yanks him back down. 

“sammy has a veil. she said it’ll hook into the pearl clip that she gifted you. my mom picked wedding rings for us. your mom got ordained. and yuuji decided that he’s going to be the best man and the man of honor for both of us. your mom also has that weird flower shit for me that’s supposed to go on my jacket.” 

“wait…wait you really…” 

“speaking of, as much as i like this plastic ring…” 

sukuna uses his hands to spin you around, until you’re facing him this time, hands pressed against his chest as you look up at him. 

“i told you that i was going to give you a real one.” 

you watch as he reaches into his pocket, plucking the perfect little ring out of the box, as he reaches forward, slipping the plastic green one off of your hand and replacing it with the sparking diamond. the former goes into the depths of his pocket, but you’re too preoccupied with the one he’s just given you. 

you look down at it, at the way it glints in the sun, before looking back up at him, at the smile on his face as he expectantly waits for a response – to everything he’s just laid out in front of you. 

“you’re really doing this? you’re really going to marry me right here?” 

“if you let me.” sukuna responds. 

he pauses, before taking his hands in yours, eyeing and fiddling with the newly replaced ring on your finger before looking back up at you, and smiling. 

“i can’t wait any longer. i did all of this, flew our parents out and our siblings, and made sammy buy you this perfect, beautiful dress because i have to marry you right now. and it’s not because i’m paranoid or because i’m scared you’re going to die on me, but because you’re the love of my life. i want our love to be forever. i know you’re going to live to tomorrow and i am too – but it’s still not good enough for me that we’re not tied together in all the ways people can be tied together.” 

you smile. 

“i just want you to be my wife. you’ve been my everything since forever and i need everyone to know that. my tax forms, the government – i need it written in paper, i need there to be real living proof.” 

you laugh. 

“me too.” you murmur. 

“yeah?” 

“yeah. yeah, i need someone to shout it from the rooftops. i want to send it to the fucking newspaper back home just so everyone knows that you married me and i married you. and i really do want to do it right now.” 

and you watch as he grins – at what may be his first confirmation that everything he planned out is going to come to fruition right now, because you’re going to marry him. and he leans forward, pressing a kiss to your cheeks, hands frantic around your neck and pulling you closer as you lean back, glaring at him. 

“save that for the wedding.” 

“i needed one last kiss from you as my girlfriend.” 

“well, i think that was technically my first kiss as your fiancee? your last kiss with me as your girlfriend was the one this morning. it tasted like french toast.” you state.

he shakes his head. 

“okay, go away now. let sammy put your veil on. and walk back down with her and yuuji, okay?” 

you give him a nod, quickly shuffling to the little bush where all four of them are crouched, nervous eyes as you bend down, giving all of them a smile. 

“are we getting married?” your mom asks. 

“we’re getting married.” you confirm. 

the all cheer, yuuji leaning forward to press a kiss to your head, as you feel the warmth bloom under your cheeks, and they all start nervously panting. your mom starts rehearsing the little lines that she has to say, cards pressed in her hands, as sukuna’s mom pulls out the little box that the rings are in. the two of them nurse sukuna’s boutonniere in their hands, messing with the pin at the back and making sure it’s in place. 

“okay, turn around, i’m putting the veil on. mom, go stand out there with sukuna he looks like a fucking idiot standing there alone. yuuji and i will walk her down.” sammy mutters. 

the two of them nod, quickly running out – but not before giving you a warm kiss on the cheek – as you watch both of them give sukuna a long hug, biting so hard on your cheek that you draw blood when sukuna leans forward, wiping a tear away from your mom’s face. 

you hear a little clicking noise, as sammy starts draping the little frilly veil over your shoulders, her eyes in a deep attentiveness as she comes around, fixing the stray hairs on your forehead and the straps of your dress with frantic hands. and you can’t help but lean forward, wet tears in your eyes, as you burrow your chin into the crook of her shoulder, and squeeze hard. 

“you’re going to walk me down the aisle?” you ask. 

you lean back, sammy giving you a sweet smile before reaching up and cupping the side of your face. 

“i helped you take your first steps. s’only fitting, right?” 

“yeah.” you whisper. 

“and we can’t do it without him either, of course. naturally, you’re going to be attached at the hip until the end.” sammy mutters. 

and you turn to your left, where yuuji’s uncharacteristically quiet at your side with wide eyes, hands nervously fidgeting in his pockets at his side as you shoot him a warning glance. 

“you okay?” 

“i was friends with you when you literally had no fucking teeth. and now you’re just getting married. to my brother.” 

you smile. 

“do you have a problem with that?” 

yuuji rolls his eyes. 

“i don’t like to share.” 

and he pauses, before leaning forward, his hands featherlike on your shoulder. 

“i know this is really weird, but i…i feel like i’m giving you away.” yuuji mumbles. 

you laugh. 

“i feel like you’re giving me away too. you…you’ve been the only person around in my life, in the same way, basically forever. you’re really the only person whose approval matters to me.” 

he smiles. 

“we’ve both spent a good amount of our lives just with each other. but i’m glad that you’ve opened up space for a few more. and i have to. and for sukuna of all people, who fucking adores you. i’m half mad i didn’t think of it myself earlier, but you’re perfect for each other.” 

“thank you, yuuji.” 

“and this is the perfect scheme. you’re going to be my sister. we can upgrade the term soulmate to soul sister now.” 

“deal.” you whisper.

you both laugh, as yuuji holds his hand out to you, which you tuck your hand into before pressing a kiss to his cheek. the two of them look to you for confirmation, before you leave your little spot behind the bush, your little heels clicking against the wood of the bridge, as sukuna stands in between your moms, a hand pressed to his chest, and he cries freely.

his mom hands you the rings, two simple golden bands. and your mom seals the words, that tie you together forever.

--

four days later, you finally do make it to musée de l’orangerie. sukuna drags you towards the back – to the painting from the blue and purple background that’s been on your computer for years – as you both tangle your arms together, fingers adored with your newly minted rings. 

it feels dangerously full circle to sukuna. 

that he had visited years prior, alone with headphones shoved into his ears, and stood there alone thinking about you. about how he wanted to live, about how he was going to move past everything that had happened to him – and at the very least, return to japan someday and see you again. 

and he stood there, wondering what you would be like. if you liked the same music, if you watched the same shows. if you still ate cinnamon raisin french toast and wore ribbons in your hair. 

and at that point, he knew he wasn’t going to return to japan for another few years, but when he did – he was at the very least, going to be determined to find the answers, in the most natural way he could. that somehow, the two of you would end up near each other, at the same restaurant or at the same bar, and he’d get to ask. 

“what are you thinking about?”  you whisper. 

sukuna looks down, at your head resting against his shoulder, and leans forward, pressing an absentminded kiss to your forehead. 

“that this time around, you’re standing here with me.” 

that he got to put a ring on your finger. that he knows you don’t listen to the same type of music as him but you do have the same taste in shows – even if you have different favorite seasons. you like french toast when he makes it and think the ribbons fall better when he places them in your hairband for you. 

you love him. and he loves you back.

Notes:

hello my lovlies! that's the end of this beloved fic of mine. this has literally been so special to me - the first chapter being a whim of a oneshot I wrote on my tumblr that very clearly took a life of it's own. this is so special to me in so many ways, mostly because of all of the sweet comments that's everyone left me. people feeling seen and heard by the emotions that I wrote about - whether it be shitty ex boyfriends, dads, or wanting to be better - and there's no amount of words for what that means to me. thank you so so much for all the love! I hope you read something of mine in the future.

(got some deviousness cooking in my shameless self plug actor sukuna fic that I'm writing on tumblr and on here!)

Chapter 23: vienna

Notes:

a little extra blurb that I wrote for my tumblr! takes place after the story ends :) and was slightly inspired by vienna by billy joel

“you okay?” 

you look down to find sukuna’s hand outstretched on top of the glove box, gesturing for you to take his hand in yours. the motion makes you pale in the slightest, because it’s only now that you realize that you’ve been driving together for almost an hour and haven’t said a word to him, that you probably should have been talking to him this entire time instead of spacing out, as you slide your hand into his. 

for all you know, he could have had his hand open this entire time, waiting for you to take it, and you had no idea. 

“sorry. did you say something, sukuna?” you murmur. 

you look over to your left to find a quiet smile painted on his face, just barely visible through the reflected glow from the red light on the street. 

you’ve been with him long enough to know this expression – know too much about this expression – and that he’s treading very carefully right now. that at the very least, he knows that something is simmering in your head, that it’s probably not good, and he’s picking his words very deliberately because of it. 

and perhaps you spent too much time with him because you could almost hear the response in your head already. 

what are you apologizing for? you did nothing wrong. 

“i just asked you if you were okay, princess.” he responds. 

“i’m okay. i was just spaced out there for a second.” 

he looks over and offers you a smile, before lifting your interlocked hands and placing a swift kiss to the back of your hand. 

“i know that you were spaced out. i was just asking if you were okay. in your whole spaced out place or whatever.” he responds, a slight edge to his voice. 

you grin. only because you can tell that he’s trying – that he’s trying despite the fact that you’ve done nothing but chewed him out for the past few days – and that there would probably be nothing that would make him stop. not knowing things made him impatient, but he was trying his best to keep that to a minimum. because that was just the type of person that he was. 

“you really have a way with words.” you respond. 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“it worked on you, didn’t it?” he responds, shifting slightly in his seat. 

there’s a quiet pause when you don’t respond, only because you’re stuck in thought again – about how much he cared, about how he was probably more worried about you than he was letting on, that you weren’t making things easy for him when he was the one who was working all day – before he interjects again. 

“you can tell me about what’s going on when you’re spaced out. not that you have to, but you can.” he responds. 

you smile. if you were in a different mood, you were sure that he would have demanded you tell him. 

“i was just thinking about you.” you clarify. 

sukuna grins. 

“when are you not?” sukuna asks. 

“don’t get a big head. i was just appreciating you in my head. that you’re giving me time to think everything over. and not being….being pushy about it.” 

“you can appreciate me out loud too, you know?” he states. 

you roll your eyes. 

“i’ll show you my appreciation when we go home.” you respond. 

“you’re disgusting.” he deadpans. 

you both laugh. and the sound of him laughing eases the tense feeling that makes your chest feel tight, only for it to be immediately replaced with guilt. 

that you probably should have been talking to him this entire time, because it would have made you feel better. that he probably misses talking to you about stuff other than school too.

“i know. i just…i don’t know. it just feels weird to admit out loud because i know it’s wrong and i know how it looks and i just…it’s a lot to think about.” 

sukuna squeezes your hand once. 

“it’s not weird to think about quitting vet school. i’d actually be inclined to argue that it’s a good thing, that it’s probably something that people should do more. passion clearly has to be a driving force in your job, especially when it’s as hard and grueling as it is, and it’s not wrong to evaluate if you’re having doubts.” sukuna states. 

you smile. 

“so is that your opinion? that i should drop out because i could be saving time if i realize i don’t want to do it now? that i shouldn’t be continuing if if i’m conflicted to begin with?” 

sukuna rolls his eyes at you, before clicking his tongue in the side of his cheek. 

this was the exact subject of the argument, if he could even call it that, that transpired every few days since you had mentioned you wanted to drop out at the start of the month. 

he asserted that it couldn’t be an argument because he wasn’t necessarily fighting back and because you always agreed with him in the end. but the way you apologized hours later, without fail, clearly indicated that you thought otherwise. 

“sweetheart. i told you that i wasn’t going to tell you my opinion.” he states. 

“why not? you’re like…married to me. you’re my partner. your input is basically like the most valuable thing ever at this point. and this entire thing affects you too” you respond. 

“saying sweet things won’t make me tell you. not that i’m complaining. i just don’t want you to waste your breath.” he states. 

you groan. 

“i just don’t get why you won’t tell me. multiple opinions help.” 

sukuna grins. 

“that’s easy then. tell everyone at dinner tonight and ask them their opinion if multiple opinions are that important. they’ll all be more than happy to divulge what they think.” sukuna states. 

“ugh, god no.” you groan.

sukuna laughs. 

“i thought that multiple opinions were important.” sukuna retorts. 

“not from them. i already know what they’re all going to say. your mom and my mom are probably going to be super fucking disappointed. i mean, your mom wouldn’t say that to my face but the two of them would definitely fucking gossip about it when we left. about how i already put so much work in, that i had already sacrificed so much, so what if it was a little more? and i get that, it does seem stupid in retrospect to give up this late in the game when i’ve already missed out on so much and i’m not getting any older, but still. they can’t say that because they don’t know how hard it is.” 

“well, i think that-” sukuna starts. 

“and sammy and yuuji are going to get way too worked up about this. sometimes it feels like they’re too involved to give me real advice about the entire thing. yuuji’s going to bring up all those dumb stuffed animals in my room and how i’ve dreamed about this since i was a kid and busted my ass off all of college when i could have been having fun just to be in this spot. about how it’s just hard right now and that i’ll get better. but he can’t really guarantee that so what’s the point of saying it? and sammy. she’s going to throw the money in my face when you already told me not to think about it. and i try not to make the wasted loans a part of my decision because you told me not to but she’s going to remind me how hard it is to make ends meet, about how if i don’t have a job that you’ll be the only one would make ends meet and that’s not fair and i just…” 

“sammy just-” 

“i don’t need their opinions. they’re just going to make me feel like shit and tell me what i already know. they would just add to all the stuff that i already think about. about if i’m strong enough to do this, about our family. i’m not getting older, infertility is actually higher for people in our field because of how high stress it is – and i know we haven’t talked about kids but you might want them someday if you don’t already. i don’t need them to add to anything because they actually know nothing.” 

sukuna takes a beat. maybe just to make sure that he can actually get what he’s trying to say before you cut him off in the two attempts that he made to talk. 

“can i ask you one question?” sukuna asks, rather carefully. 

“of course you can, sukuna.” you murmur. he notes that your response is so soft, almost tired. 

“if you don’t want their opinion, why do you want mine?” he asks, rather softly. 

you sigh, before leaning against the back of the chair. 

“you’re not like them. and you’re probably the only one who could even understand that school has actually been really hard for me. and i just…i just think that you know me really well and that you care about me and want to pick what’s best for me. and not just what’s like objectively good for me – which would be to keep going when i’ve already invested so much time – but like actually good.” you respond. 

sukuna brings the car to a halting stop, maybe a little bit too harshly at the red light, before leaning over to press a kiss to your cheek. it catches you entirely off guard, sending a blooming warmth to your cheek as you raise your hand to rub at the skin, before looking at him. 

“what was that for?” you ask. 

“i can’t kiss my wife?” 

“not when you’re driving. it can wait twenty minutes.” 

“i was just flattered that you think that i know you the best. especially over yuuji.” sukuna jokes. 

you roll your eyes. 

“we’re married. it’s not that i trust you more than him, but you obviously know me in a different capacity than he does.” you respond, reaching down to fidget with the two silver rings on your hand. 

“it actually does mean that. i’m going to tell him that when we get there.” he responds. 

“sukuna.” you groan. 

he laughs. 

“i’m kidding. but really, i love that you have so much trust in me, but that’s exactly why i can’t tell you what i think. i want you to come to the decision on your own. you’re my wife, we are partners, but your career is something that’s just yours.” 

you sigh. 

“and i don’t want you to resent me if what i think isn’t actually what ends up working for you. if my opinion sways your decision one way over the other.” 

“i could never resent you.” you respond. 

“i know that. but i’m not going to start giving you reasons to resent me just because you won’t.” 

you smile, before leaning across the seats and placing your head against his bicep. 

“will you ever tell me what you think?” you murmur. 

“after you’re completely confident in your decision, i’ll tell you what i think would have been best. deal?” he asks. 

“you can’t just change your mind.. you have to tell me what you actually think.” 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“i’ll go home and seal it in an envelope that you can open.” he jokes. 

“can you actually?” 

he gives you a begrudging glare, knowing that it’s something you’ll hold him to when you get home, as he pulls into the neighborhood. he pulls to a soft stop right on the curb, everyone’s muffled voices in the kitchen pouring out of the open windows as you sigh. 

“by the way.” sukuna starts. 

“hm?” 

“of course i want kids.” he states, before opening his door and getting out of the car. 

--

dinner goes well. 

almost too well, until sammy pokes the one thing that sukuna hoped she wouldn’t touch. 

sammy going to therapy, in retrospect, was good.

of course it was good. but her unearthing all of the things that he had a penchant to ignore meant that she was more flighty than usual. and naturally, she asserted that it was her prerogative to bring up things that hurt her – which led to uncomfortable conversations, almost all the time. 

granted, he figured that it was almost impossible for her to not instigate something at big events 

like this one, that some part of it was just her nature, but he wished he could have chosen to pick on someone else instead. 

“how’s school going, y/n?” sammy asks. 

“it’s fine.” you respond. 

sukuna immediately looks up, the two of you locking eyes, before he watches you retreat your hands from your silverware to your lap. he absentmindedly reaches across the table underneath and taps on the top of your shoe, as he shoots you an encouraging smile. you give him a silent nod, responding to your gesture by tapping on the top of his foot back. 

a small signal that he was here. that you shouldn’t forget that he was here and let him handle it. 

“how’s work going, sammy?” you ask. 

sammy glares in response. 

“if school’s going fine, then why are you guys giving each other such weird fucking looks when i asked?” 

sukuna clears his throat. 

“i just smiled at her. how the fuck is that weird?” he asks. 

you can tell that he’s clearly irritated by her question, maybe more so that this ended up being the topic of conversation. you supposed that it was just your luck that this was what she chose to fixate on. 

“language.” 

sukuna shoots an apologetic look to his mom, before turning back to face sammy. 

“i know you guys. you always give each other looks when you’re trying to say something.” sammy states. 

“he smiles at her every time that he looks at her.” mai offers, shooting sukuna a polite smile. 

it doesn’t win her any points with sammy, who subsequently shoots her a glare, before turning back to you. 

“what happened at school?” she asks. 

you shrug. 

“nothing. it’s just school, sammy.” you repeat. 

“let me guess. you got the honor roll again and you’re waiting to tell everyone after dinner. or they decided that you should be the class president or something for your last year unanimously. or you –” 

sukuna watches as you slam your fork down onto your plate, making an unsavory noise against the ceramic, as yuuji finally wakes up from the conversation he’s having with megumi at his side, looking up to give him a confused look. it takes yuuji all but three seconds to realize that the two of you are about to have a meltdown and that it would probably be best if he intervened. 

“y/n, do you want to go get dessert with me?” yuuji asks. 

you give him a nod. 

“is this your way of humble bragging? trying to get us all to coax you into telling us all the great things that you’re doing at school?” 

“are you crazy, sammy?” you ask. 

yuuji offers an awkward laugh. 

“crazy fun, right?” yuuji adds. 

“i did make the honor roll, sammy. is that what you wanted to hear?” you seethe. 

“was it so hard to say that instead of giving each other weird looks? you should learn how to give a straight answer instead of faking being humble.” sammy responds. 

you heave a sigh. 

“i don’t fake being humble. i just don’t mention it because you always act like this.” 

“i’m not acting like anything. i just don’t understand why i had to wrestle that information out of you when you clearly wanted to share it.” 

“i didn’t want to share it. you were the one sitting there willingly asking me about it. mind you, all because sukuna and i just looked at each other.” 

sukuna watches it go back and forth. he can tell that sammy’s purposely trying to egg you on, the way that she always does. and he knew for a fact that if it was anyone else, you’d be able to move past it; it was the mere fact that it was her – that she was purposely trying to piss you off that made you more angry. 

angry in the way that only sammy could make you angry. and it takes all but three minutes of arguing, with futile attempts from everyone else to descalate, before it comes spilling out of you. 

“you know what? i’ve got the cherry on top of the fucking cake for you. you won’t have to worry about me making any more honor rolls or achievements since i’m probably going to drop out of vet school anyways.” you state. 

your admission leaves the room silent with seven pairs of eyes diligently staring at you. you note that sukuna slightly twitches his eyes, only in recognition of what you talked about in the car, and you can’t help but sigh. 

“are you happy now? is that what you wanted to hear?” you ask. 

“you’re going to what?” sammy repeats, this time her voice quieter. 

“sukuna, she’s not serious is she?” your mom asks, worried eyes almost drilling holes into his face. 

sukuna looks over at you, shooting an apologetic smile, before turning to reply. 

“she hasn’t decided but she’s thinking about it.” he states. 

that sends another wave of tension through the air. one that you didn’t expect. 

“are you serious, sukuna? you didn’t think to tell any of us so that we could intervene?” sammy asks. 

sukuna narrows his eyes at sammy. 

“do you really think that your input is helpful? like ever?” sukuna asks. 

“that was a low blow.” sammy defends. 

sukuna rolls his eyes. 

“you picking an argument basically he second we got here was a low blow, sammy.” sukuna retorts. 

“regardless of that,  all of us talking through could help y/n decide. you should have told us right away so that we could help her. we’re a family.” his mom emphasizes, dismissively shaking her head at him. 

“you should have told me. don’t loop me in the same category as them. how long has it been?” yuuji asks. 

“three weeks.” sukuna responds. 

“the longer you keep it all in your head without talking about it makes it more complicated. you should have said something.” yuuji adds. 

“that’s not my news to share. you all know where we live. if you wanted to see how she was doing and know what was going on, you could have shown up and asked her.” sukuna seethes. 

this time you’re the one watching it go back and forth. your relationship with sukuna changed your relationship with yuuji – that much was inevitable – but it also changed their relationship with each other. only because yuuji thought that their shared vested interest meant that he thought there were some things that sukuna should tell him as a prerogative. which is something that sukuna would never ever do. 

“well, you at least have been trying to convince her not to drop out of school, right?” yuuji asks. 

sukuna doesn’t respond. and the omission of response is an answer enough. enough to take everyone’s anger levels a whole octave higher. 

“are you insane? you can’t just let her quit her dream.” yuuji states. 

“i’m not letting her do anything. she’s her own person and she can decide on her own what she wants to do.” sukuna responds. 

“she’s clearly making a stress informed decision. are you saying that you’d let her run into a street while she was upset because she’s her own person?” 

“that’s an embarrassing analogy, sammy. those two things are in no way comparable. and i’m not giving her any advice about her career for one reason – because it’s her career. not mine. if you guys knew anything, you’d know that i didn’t tell you because she asked me not to.” 

you push out of your chair. 

“i’m going to the bathroom.” 

--

you get one whole minute of privacy when you retreat to the bathroom. because the second you sit down on the closed toilet seat, there’s a quiet knock on the door, accompanied by the shadow of someone’s feet you can see underneath the door. 

“i’m peeing.” you grate. 

“it’s just me.” sukuna responds. 

you push off of the seat to let him in before shutting the door closed behind you and retreating back to your seat on top of the toilet. sukuna locks the door behind him and is quick to close the distance, reaching down to place his hand on your cheek and soothing a circle into your skin. 

“you’re peeing on top of the toilet?” he asks. 

you give him a begrudging smile. 

“yeah. it’s your house so you’ll have to clean it up.” 

“well, it’s your pee so you’d have to clean it up.” 

“i’m a guest in this house. so you’d clean it up.” 

sukuna crouches to the ground, taking up residence in between your legs, as you reach forward to cup the sides of this face. 

“you’re not a guest in this house because you’re my wife. and also because you’re living the quintessential experience of living in this house right now..” 

“and what’s that?” 

“fighting with everyone who breathes.” 

the two of you quietly laugh, before you reach forward and press a kiss to his forehead. you can’t help but replay the entire ordeal back in your head – the fact that your imagined version of disappointment from the moms didn’t feel nearly as horrible as the real version, that sammy’s distaste towards you was probably never going away, and that yuuji was probably upset. again. 

“sorry you got roped into it.” you add. 

“stop apologizing for shit that other people do.” he murmurs. 

you give him a quiet nod before leaning forward to rest your forehead against his. he welcomes the touch, ghosting his lips over yours before quietly whispering. 

“it’s still your decision. if you decide to drop out, they’ll eventually get over it.” 

sukuna notes that you take a shaky breath and in the matter of seconds, there’s warm tears running down the side of your face. 

“no one’s opinion matters but yours. you know what’s best for you.” he adds. 

“do you really think they’d get over it?” you whisper back. 

sukuna can’t help but frown. 

“i’d make sure of it. i know if you go through with it, it’s because it’s what was best for you.”  

he leans back, cupping his hands around your neck and pulling you closer as you give him a halfhearted shrug. 

“i like how hard you work. but you’re not just working hard. you’re working yourself to the bone, which i’m not a fan of. i like it better when you have a normal sleeping schedule. and eat on time. and when you actually enjoy what you’re doing because it makes you happy, which is all that i care about.” 

sukuna pauses. 

“there’s a difference between working hard and being burned out. which is something they just won’t understand, so their opinions don't matter.” 

you give him a shaky nod, before reaching forward and closing the distance between the two of you. he has a lopsided smile when you pull back, his eyes narrowed with the slightest flush dusted on his cheeks. 

“what was that for?” he asks. 

“i can't kiss my husband?” 

“i mean, not when i give you a whole pep talk.” 

you shake your head. 

“just remembered that your opinion is kind of the only one that matters anyways.”  

he gives you a sweet smile, pressing one last lingering kiss to your cheek, before you walk hand in hand to brave the rest of the dinner together. 

--

“i’m sorry for what i said at the dinner the other day.” 

you get coffee with yuuji three days after the dinner. it’s enough time for you to put what everyone said at the dinner behind you – or what they tried to say with their eyes – and have a conversation with him. 

“you didn’t say anything. not to me at least.” 

yuuji groans. 

“i already apologized to him. and he explained where he’s coming from, which is…probably what i should have done in the first place anyways and i feel like shit about it already so keep it to yourself.” yuuji adds. 

you laugh. 

“i know. he told me that you were very distraught. so distraught that you walked into a pole mid-conversation, which was enough of a reparation for me.” 

he shoves you in your side, as you absentmindedly swing your legs on the bench, and watch all of the people walk past in the park. everyone’s wrapped up in colorful scarves, the frigid chill in the air marking the start of the colder seasons. a sea of pink, green, and blue. 

“you know. i actually would appreciate what you have to say about the entire thing. just try to make your delivery non-judgemental. i mean, knowing you that’s basically impossible, but still.” you respond. 

yuuji gives you a laugh – one that makes you smile – as you lean your head against his shoulder. 

“can you just tell me why you want to drop out before? i’d like to make an informed decision.” yuuji offers. 

you give him a nod and the three seconds that he gives you to think have the words spilling out of you. 

“grad school is hard. and objectively, i knew that it was going to be hard when i applied, i know that these things can be hard, but it’s taking me out in a way that i didn’t expect. high school was hard because things were complicated. college was hard because i was juggling the jobs that i had with the school work. but this is….this is next level.” 

“every test that i study for feels impossible. like quite literally, impossible. every person that i get advice from is saying that it actually literally for me to know everything, that i should just try to study and hope for the best. and no matter how much work i do, it’s not enough. i’m still barely scraping by. i spend the entire day commuting to the hospital on the other side of town, to an understaffed hospital where i have to pick up the slack, and deal with people who are upset from sick animals, who tell me how much their pets means to them and have to respond with the fact that i can’t do anything for them.” 

you hike up the sleeve of your sweater. 

“everyone else is living their lives. you’re traveling, sukuna’s picking up hobbies and watching movies, and i can barely find time to shower. the cats at work scratch me basically everyday. i spend every morning covering up the scabs that are still bleeding and putting creams to fade the scars that are basically indented into my arm at this point. i come home exhausted and still have to study. and when i do come home, sukuna’s making me dinner and he’s doing my laundry and sometimes he even has to help me shower because of how tired i am.” 

“ew.” yuuji responds. 

“i know!” you groan, earning you a laugh from him. 

yuuji gives you a comforting pat on the head before you continue. 

“i feel bad because it’s been this way since we were married. i want to do nice things with him, i want to travel, i want to see you and megumi, i want to just go out and drink sometimes. i miss spending time with all of you and sometimes it just feels like too much to sacrifice. i want to help people but i still want to spend time with my family. god, sukuna and i haven’t even talked about starting our own family and i don’t know how he feels about it.  i still have to apply for training after, i could get rejected from training, and training is supposed to be a bigger time commitment than this.” 

you sigh. 

“i don’t want to spend my entire life working. i want to help people, i know i have to make money, but this feels too much that i’m giving up. granted, i could have a heart attack tomorrow and be dead so what’s the point of spending all of my time working so hard?” 

“it feels like i’m prioritizing the wrong thing.” you finish. 

you’re panting by the time that he lets you finish. yuuji leans back, taking a heavy swig of his drink, before turning back to look at you. 

“well, that’s a lot.” he states. 

“tell me about it.” 

“i gathered that much from what sukuna told me. he’s definitely more worried about you than he lets on.” 

“i know. what do you think i should do?” 

yuuji sighs, before tapping on the top of your thigh. 

“after a very long conversation with sukuna, i realized that i can’t give you any input. it really is a decision that you have to make on your own.” 

you groan. 

“ugh. why are you guys like this?” you complain, before lightly shoving him in the side. 

yuuji smiles. 

“we just want what’s best for you.” 

you glare at him. 

“well, let me in on what you think is best for me.” 

“i think what’s best for you is something that only you would know. how long do you have to decide?” 

“nice cop out. my meeting with the dean is the day after tomorrow.” 

yuuji lifts his arm to point at the crowd of people across the cobblestone path. there’s an elderly couple with a poodle on the leash, smiling brightly at the little girl – barely four if you were going to guess – who is excitedly petting the dog in between her legs. 

“the only advice i would have is to not let recency bias inform your decision. i would hate to see you quit just for you to realize that you made the wrong decision when you were…emotionally exhausted.” 

 you frown. 

“i’m not emotionally exhausted.” 

“okay.” he responds. you can tell that he doesn’t believe it. 

“i’m not.” you defend. 

yuuji sighs. 

“you’re not emotionally exhausted. but you’ve been through a lot. a lot of things that i think that you ignore. it was bound to catch up with you at some point.” 

“what the hell are you talking about? just say it straight up.” 

yuuji turns to look at you. 

“you have shit coping mechanisms.” 

“okay?” 

“you have shit coping mechanisms and a lot happened. my dad died. your dad looked at you dead in the eyes and didn’t know who you were. you realized that for a whole year and a half, sukuna was for all intents and purposes planning his own death while you were sleeping twenty feet away. hell, you even thought that he was going right back to that state of mind when my dad passed away. that this time sukuna wouldn’t come back to you.” 

you feel your mouth dry. only because you forgot that had even happened – that you had admitted it to yuuji – in the first plac.e 

“there’s a lot that you haven’t processed that happened in the past two years. things that would stop any sane person in their tracks. it’s just catching up to you now.” 

you swallow hard. 

“i don’t care that your dad died. if you guys moved on, that’s…that’s all that i care about.” 

yuuji frowns. 

“the mere fact that you picked that out of everything i said tells me that you do care about it. and it's valid. it would be fine and well if you didn’t know him. but you did. and he was an asshole, god knows that in the grand scheme of things there was nothing redeemable about him, but it doesn’t change the fact that you had a relationship with him.” 

“he treated you guys like shit.” you defend. 

“and yet he still came to all of your dance recitals. he was the one who, albeit very begrudgingly, helped your mom move you guys into college. moved your heavy furniture around. took the trash out so none of you had to.” 

you swallow hard. 

“he’s an asshole. doesn’t mean you can’t miss him. pretending like he was just our dad, that you just hate him because of what he did to us, does nothing for you because you had a relationship with him too.” 

you frown. 

“you have shit coping mechanisms. and it’s interfering with something that you’ve dreamed about since you were a kid.” 

“is that what you think? that i’m too…too tired to be thinking straight?” 

yuuji smiles, before placing a hand on your shoulder and squeezing hard. 

“i just don’t want something that’s holding you back to stop you from moving forward.” 

--

“have you decided what you’re going to do?” 

masamichi yaga is a serious man. it’s the first impression that you had of him on the very first day of orientation, when he very clearly told us that it was probable that some of us wouldn’t make it to the end of the program if we weren’t serious. it feels like an ironic memory to come to the forefront of your mind at this very moment, but you push it away for the time being. 

“thank you for taking the time to meet with me, mr. yaga. i think i have.” 

he reaches for his pen on his notebook, making a stark motion across his page – like he was crossing something out – before looking back up at you. 

“i’d like to take a leave of absence for the remainder of the year. i’ll tentatively return at the start of next year to finish the last half of my second year and finish off strong.” you respond. 

he gives you a thoughtful nod, before leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. 

“can i ask why?” 

“i just don’t think i’m performing at my best right now. and i take my studies very seriously and….and i wouldn’t consider this if it wasn’t something that i thought i desperately needed.” 

he nods. 

“granted, the things that i’ve since found out about you tell me that you should have taken this break a long time ago. i’m very pleased this is what you ended up deciding.” 

you can feel your throat dry. 

“sorry, what?” 

he looks up at you, almost like he’s perplexed, as he drops his pen and leans forward. 

“you’re a stellar student; i’ve basically been hearing about how bright and brilliant you are since your very first trimester. your teachers, your peers – they all have nothing but great things to say about you. i would have had no idea you had been going through so much if it wasn’t for your husband coming down here and telling me.” 

you pinch your lips into a line. 

“what are you talking about?” 

“he came down to see me a few weeks ago. didn’t really take no for an answer when i told him i wasn’t free for a meeting. in hindsight, his relentlessness was very warranted. grief is very hard. grieving a parent is very hard. especially, when you have a complicated relationship with them. speaking from experience, it takes someone very special to pull you out of that – which is clearly what you did for your husband when it happened to him. and that can take a toll on you too, even if you don’t realize it. he came down here around three weeks ago and was asking me for all the options that you’d have if you wanted to take a break or drop out. making sure that i understood, fully understood, that this was something that was out of your control, that you were just a person who needed a break.” 

“he did that?” you ask. 

“he wanted to know what resources we could give you, because he very plainly stated, that you were made to be a vet and he could never in good faith let you quit something you’re made to do.” 

you can feel the burning sensation in the back of your eyes again. the conviction in his voice sends a shiver down your spine.

“providing emotional support for a partner who is grieving is very difficult. from what he shared, i’ve come to understand that you’ve had a relationship with your husband’s father for years, and in some ways, he was a stand-in father for you as well. leave behind the normal burnout of school, dealing with something as sensitive as the loss of someone you won’t ever see again is something we would obviously make an exception for.” 

you breathe out. 

“we’ll see you again next winter. take the time that you need to process. and tell sukuna i say hello.” 

you give him a nod before exiting out the door, barely processing the entirety of the conversation, only to see sukuna exactly where you left him, scrolling on his phone in the waiting room. it makes your chest hurt – that he had already called weeks in advance, drove all the way down here on your behalf and didn't mention it at all – as you clear your throat to get his attention. he gives you an innocent smile, jumping out of the chair as he extends his arm out to you.  

“ready to go, pretty girl?” he asks.

you give him a nod, welcoming yourself into his open arm and clinging to his side as you walk out of the building together, to where the car is parked on the curb. you’re barely able to process the fact – on what you’re supposed to do in response, how you’re ever supposed to thank him – as you duck into the car. 

sukuna pulls out of the spot and merges into the street. 

“so can i know what you decided?” sukuna asks. 

you nod. 

“i’m taking a break for a year. i just think that i’m burned out from going straight into graduate school without taking a break. mo….most people in my class took almost two or three years in between and i didn’t…and i just think that i’m tired.” you state. 

you pause. 

“but i do want to go back. i’ve always wanted to be a vet. and i’m still going to be one.” you whisper. 

“that’s my girl.” 

you can see that sukuna’s smiling – smiling extremely brightly in your peripheral vision – before he reaches for the side door. as promised, he produces an envelope with his handwriting scribbled across the top. you slide the slit open and pull out the paper to read what he wrote at the start of the week. 

Dear Elphaba, 

Per your request, I’ve decided to write down what I would have done if I was in your position. However, to actually ignore your request, I’m actually just going to write down my prediction for what you’re going to do instead, because you’re a smart girl. And you always end up doing the right thing. 

You’re going to take a leave of absence for a year. You’re going to take a leave with the intention of returning back to school because this is your dream, it’s always been your dream, and you don’t give up on anything. Not on me when my dad dies or on yourself when you’re burnt out.
 
Best, 
Fiyero 

P.S. if you didn’t end up doing that, I’m driving back and you’re retracting your withdrawal. 

"wicked?" you ask.

"i was going to do glinda. because the whole pink ribbons thing. but then i found out that fiyero doesn't even like her like that so i switched it."

you snort.

“also not to say i told you so. but i told you so.” sukuna adds, as you fold the paper back up into the envelope. 

you roll your eyes. 

“he told me what you did. that you drove all the way down there and talked to him.” you state. 

sukuna shrugs. 

“could have guessed that much. he's kind of a romantic.” 

“why didn’t you say anything?” you ask. 

“because i figured that he’d tell you. and i wanted you to figure it out on your own, which true to my word, you did.” 

you slouch back into the chair. 

“he says hi. i think he likes you.” you state. 

you lean across the glovebox and rest your head against his bicep. 

“is that right?” 

“would be pretty hard not to. you’re kind of the best.” you murmur.