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Lucy had been told from a very early age that there was something wrong with her. Her mother crammed it into her brain very early on. Her mother looked at her as a failure, a person who simply wastes her life and doesn’t appreciate the opportunities given to her. She was just a sad messed girl in her mom's eyes.
However, everyone else had a preconceived notion that Lucy was a very happy and fun-loving person, who saw life as a glass half full. While they weren’t entirely wrong, they didn’t see the full picture of it all.
Lucy knew from a very early on that life was cruel and overwhelming. Pain demands to be felt. She had been in and out of therapy sessions from a very young age, as soon as her parents had deemed her old enough. Old enough happened to be seven. Just after she had mistakenly told her mother she thought about death, and que the hour-long session with a woman who had a ponytail way too tight every day after school.
Home and therapy were not her favorite places, but neither was school. She did well in school, got good grades, and understood the teaching, but it was the social aspect that she never seemed to get a hang of. She had friends, it’s just that even with those friends, she never felt seen or heard. She could never feel like she belonged with them. She made the mistake of telling her mother this at age eleven. That would lead to an upgraded two-hour session with Doctor Ponytail.
These sessions never did anything for her.
That's not true. It did do something. It made her hate life a little bit more. She’d still smile happily at people and pretend she was the epitome of sunshine. That was who she was, who she was supposed to be. While pain demanded to be felt, it would be heard, not seen. At least to others. In her mind, the pain was loud, and constant, nearly never-ending. Sometimes she craves silence. That's a lie. She always craved silence.
As she grew up she carried around this belief. Disguise the pain with a smile. It got her through her teenage years, it got her through college, it got her through her rookie year, and it was getting her through her adult life.
Don’t get her wrong. She loved her life. She loved her job, her friends, her blue family, her dog, the not-so-little girl she let move into her apartment and her boyfriend. She loved so many things in her life, but sometimes she craves the silence that death brings. Sometimes she craves it a little too much that her picture-perfect disguise starts to fade.
She lets her guard down, she starts to dream of the sweet silence a little too much, and suddenly she is back in the in doctor ponytail's office being lectured about how she’s young and crazy. That it’s not normal to think those thoughts, that she needed to realize how valuable life is. She wasn’t stupid, she knew life was valuable. But sometimes, at random times a year, she felt like her own value drops. She’s tired of watching her value drop.
Letting go of other people's opinions about her is exactly how her friends began to notice the change in her.
It was subtle at first. She stopped going to bars after work, and her friends chalked it up to her being tired. Juggling her newly promoted position as a detective wasn’t exactly easy. Then she started denying double dates with Angela and Wesly. That was the first sign to Tim that she wasn’t exactly well. Then more and more signs began to show. Being late to work, randomly spacing out, and then the biggest sign of all, she screamed at Officer Jan. It was no one's fault really, not particularly, he just happened to catch her in a moment of deep regret, deep-rooted sadness, and extreme distaste for life. She had never felt so unlike herself before and yet so familiar. In a room full of people, her friends, her family, she felt alone.
No one spoke after that. They let her go off and seek the comfort of her home. She’s sure that had she stayed to listen, had she stuck around long enough one of her friends would have pulled her aside to ask her what happened. But she didn’t. The moment the words left her mouth she scattered away to avoid seeing the looks of shock and disappointment on their faces.
Instead, she found the comfort of the cold tile in her bathroom. She laid her head on the cold tile and stared blankly at the area where the tub met the floor. Her finger lightly traces the outline of the tile. Despite the obvious silence that came with being home alone, the noise in her head was loud and persistent. She craved silence and yet, as she lay there on the floor in a simulated version of the world’s silence she feared the day that silence would come.
How can you crave something and yet fear it just the same?
Perhaps this conflicting feeling is why she didn’t hear the sound of her boyfriend coming into her apartment, or the sound of his voice as he called out to her in the empty house. His voice was soft as it echoed against the walls. She was so consumed in this inner conflict that she had turned off her disguise. But maybe it’s been off for a while now.
“Luce,” The sound of her name off of Tim’s lips was the first time since before she had yelled at Jan earlier that day that she was taking in the outside world. “Baby, what are you doing on the floor?” She was beginning to take notice of his movement now, choosing to focus her attention on it rather than the overwhelming sense of conflict running through her head. “Are you hurt?” She could hear the urgency in his voice. She hated it, so she nearly forced herself to look at him.
Tim was what Lucy would consider to be beautiful. It was the best word to describe him. He was physically handsome, that was never a question, but after being able to discover his soul, Lucy decided that he was probably the most beautiful thing she’d ever come across. When Tim was around it was the closest thing to silence she’s ever experienced. He has a way of reaching her soul that no one ever has before. She could chalk it up to her being in love with him, but deep down Lucy knew the feeling was deeper and more meaningful. He was her guide in this loud world she was thrust into. He was her beautiful soul.
“No,” She said, her voice was barely above a whisper. She hated the conflict in her head, she was in so much pain, and the sight of her beautiful soul in pain at the sight of her only worsened it. So she tried her very best to lessen his pain. Little did she know, if she was in pain, so was he.
The thing about Tim Bradford was that when he loved someone, he loved them deeply. He notices things about the people he loves. He noticed weeks ago that something was off with Lucy, and he hated himself a little more each day that didn’t do something about it. He just didn’t know what to do. He wished he tried though.
Trying would have meant he wouldn’t see the love of his life on the bathroom floor emotional lessly staring at him. The Lucy he fell in love with was emotional, and not in a bad way. She hugely expressed emotions, she laughed the loudest, and she cried the hardest. It was beautiful and unique and something he’s grown to cherish.
And yet here she was staring at him with no emotion, not even sadness. She just laid there like another bathmat that flooded the bathroom floor. It was killing him.
“Baby tell me what’s going on,” He pleaded, kneeling to her level and slowly brushing away a strand of her hair that had fallen into her face. Lucy didn’t respond. “At least go lie on the bed.”
“Can’t,” She said softly. Tim frowned and watched as she curled back into herself. “Quiet,” was all she said as she curled back into herself. He didn’t want to move her, because despite her clear pain she looked at peace. As much peace as one can be in given this state, Tim felt it would be cruel of him to take that from her. But he couldn’t leave her there alone either.
He moved down to the ground, slowly moving behind her. Tim carefully and slowly wrapped his arms around her, allowing their legs to intertwine. He could feel the tension elevating off of her, but he knew that this wouldn’t solve her pain, he just hoped that instead of the cold floor, she could find comfort in him.
“I will always be here,” Tim whispered into her hair before giving the back of her head a soft kiss. “I love you.” He reminded her before allowing her to continue her wish of that craved silence.
Lucy’s head ached in pain, even with Tim being there. She’s starting to feel like her mask is truly deteriorating. Even with the man she loved practically wrapped around her like a blanket she felt alone and tired. She hated this feeling. She just wanted silence.
She couldn’t stop the tears from coming. Not a sound came out even as she did cry. Was this aching version of silence what she came to? Was this the same silence she had wished for nearly all her life? She lay on the bathroom floor crying silently as the love of her life wrapped his arms around her. It wasn’t the worst case.
Most people would die to have this. Have someone they love care for them so fully, so vulnerably, so emotionally. She couldn’t help but ask herself why this wasn’t enough for her. What is so wrong with her that she can’t appreciate the life she was given? The opportunities she has.
Maybe her mother was right maybe there was something wrong with her. Pain demands to be felt, maybe it’s time to stop preventing that pain.