Work Text:
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
I took my leave of them on what had once been our bench.
“I love you.”
I mouthed the words as Claudia looked away. My declaration for Louis and Louis alone.
Before I turned away I caught a glimpse of the ghost of a smile haunting Louis’s beautiful lips.
Perhaps I was not entirely beyond redemption if he could find it in his heart to acknowledge my love. Even though I doubted he would ever return it fully. He had already paid for loving me by being abused most horribly. I had sought vengeance on him for merely considering abandoning me, and for that I understood why forgiveness would never be mine.
But I could dream of there being one day, however distant in the future it may be, when he would stand by my side once more out of love. Until then, loneliness would be my punishment to bear.
But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that's never free
Walking through the park, away from Louis, its beauty was lost to me.
I saw only the detritus of human life. Discarded beer bottles. A pool of dried vomit under a shrub. Dog excrement on the grass. My downcast eyes focused on all that was sordid and ugly.
With Louis at my side, I had looked up to the night sky. When we had sat on our bench, the two of us, reading and casually perusing the thoughts of mortals avoiding walking too close to us – then I had seen the wonders of the starlit night and the moon hanging in the branches of the trees.
I felt lonelier than ever, despite Louis allowing me to share his coffin.
For sleep.
I could have bought myself a new one. A casket to replace the one he shattered. But I would not. If the only reason he shared that space with me was because there was no alternative, far be it for me to present him with the means to reject my company during the hours of daylight.
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
They talked to each other. Behind my back. Under my nose. Through me. Even while I was worshipping Louis’s body. As if I were not there. My thoughts and feelings trapped behind my eyes, hidden from them.
I could not read their minds – I had not lied about that. But they were broadcasting as well – unaware of the difference. Broadcasting emotions without focusing purely on the intended recipient meant that those feelings were scattered to the winds, easily harvested by any listening vampire.
Fortunately for them, I had scoured the district for any potential threats to either of them. They would never know what I had done to keep them safe. If I had attempted to explain this to them, they would have accused me of lying – well she would, and he would favour me with the look that made it obvious he could not trust what I said. There was little point in sharing truths with either of them if they heard only lies from my lips.
The words she spoke to him, aloud and inside his head were imbued with hatred. He may not have reciprocated directly, but there was never any indication that he contradicted her or made any attempt to challenge her when he knew she was wrong.
I tried so hard to keep my temper reined in. Biting back on it when she spoke of the deaths of Magnus and Nicolas, accusing me of taking my beloved Nicki’s life. If only they knew how it had felt to know Nicki had thrown himself into the fire, just as my Maker had. My first love, first fledgling, choosing death by immolation. And she hatefully sowed the seeds in Louis’s head that I had murdered him. Her taunts were targeted. She hoped I would resort to violence in front of Louis. Quelling the seething anger, I unclenched the fist in my lap and played on. Going through the motions of the intricate chess games we played out, while trying to avoid the traps she was setting for me.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies.
I told them I would return by dawn.
Why did I have to act like a chastised child, ever seeking forgiveness? Feeling obliged to tell them of my plans for the evening. Pursuing approval. Even having to request permission to ask a question. Louis said it was unnecessary, but I was aware that if it was up to her I would need consent merely to be in their presence.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
I was glad I had Antoinette spy on them.
She had told me of Claudia’s plans to escape to Europe and that Louis had chosen not to leave with her.
I knew his decision was not on my account. Which meant only one thing. Louis was giving up. He was letting her go, not for me, but to save her from me. I was in two minds. I could let her go and find out for herself just how savage the covens of the Old World would be to a vampire who should never have been made. Or I could bring her back for Louis. Antoinette had not been truthful with me when I had asked her what Louis’s thoughts had been after Claudia had left him. Therefore I knew what he intended to do sitting on the bench awaiting the dawn.
When I brought Claudia back to our home, I told her what Louis was likely to do if she did not call out to him. I pointed out the lateness of the hour. Made it clear to her that if I tried to drag him back, out of the light, he would fight me and possibly perish in the cruel light of the sun. Both of us knew that he would return if she begged him to go home.
I never found out what she said, but he did come back. Before dawn. He was surprised to see her – shocked. But that may have been because of what she showed him of how I had ‘persuaded’ her to return.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
The pit of resentment continued to fulminate deep inside me. I needed to release it before taking it out on Louis or Claudia – the latter would deserve it, the former would hate me no matter who I unleashed that anger upon.
Opening my mind to check the city and the surrounding area I picked up on his voice again. Closer than before.
I listened and heard him speaking of her – calling out her name. I wonder if she heard him. Did Louis? Or were neither of them powerful enough to detect the voices of other vampires at a distance?
I saw his thoughts and what he had delighted in doing to her. Surely if Louis heard that he would unleash the violence he kept deep inside – which meant he was unaware.
Hateful creature that Claudia was, it was unacceptable for any other to lay a hand on her. He had done more than that and was encroaching ever closer on my territory.
Using the Cloud Gift enabled me to reach the outskirts of the city where he roamed on his damned motorbike.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
Later that night I left a gift for Claudia to find. I set it in the incinerator ready to be committed to flames. I set the head of ‘Bruce’ upon one of the wheels of his motorbike, propped up against the wall nearby.
I kept out of sight, waiting anxiously for them to return from wherever they had chosen to wander without me.
“Louis!” I heard her scream from where I was standing. I smiled anticipating shrieks of delight.
“What is it?” yelled Louis.
“Why would he do that?” Accusation. Not gratitude. I was confused.
“Is that – was that...” Louis stammered, his mind no doubt filled with the images unwittingly projected by Claudia. Images so vivid that I could see them as well.
That was not what I had intended. I had hoped Louis would appreciate the biblical allusion to Salome and the head of … but no, all I had achieved was to have Louis share her traumatic recollections. Awful memories she had kept hidden from us, that I had only discovered from the very head that Louis was picking up by its hair as he flung it into the incinerator.
“Bastard – he did this to hurt you!” growled Louis.
Several bricks in the wall I was hiding behind crumbled to dust around my fist. Anger swelled up once more.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
I vanished into the night once more, unable to bear their loathing for me. Inevitably I found myself falling into the wanton arms of Antoinette who accepted me for all my faults – in fact because of them. Her mind was unguarded.
Her ugly crow of triumph at having me between her thighs soured the encounter. I did not like being used and she was using me. If it were not for the fact that it had been Claudia who had instructed me to kill her, I would have done so. It was pettiness that made me want to hear it from Louis’s lips. To have him request that of me.
For Louis, I would do anything.
And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
“Louis!” The bitterness burnt the back of my throat as I heaved again and again. Retching until tears ran down my face. “Poison…”
On all fours, like a beast of the field, I was trembling. Weakened and brought low. Through the indignity of it all, I heard him shouting at Claudia.
“I thought it were the twins you poisoned?”
“No, Louis. I knew you’d stop him feeding off them. Your eyes gave it away soon as he walked in the room.”
Wracked with pain as the poison burned through my veins, I rejoiced in the bitter knowledge that she doubted Louis. She did not believe he would let her kill me.
“Claudia – what have you done?”
“Arsenic and laudanum!” she exclaimed proudly. “He ain’t gonna put up a fight when I stab him in the heart – ”
“No!” I heard him screaming.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his arm shoot out to push her away from me. She was clutching a poker in her hand. It was dripping with blood. She had killed Antoinette.
“Say your goodbyes, I’m takin’ out the trash.” I saw Antionette’s boot heels scrape across the floor as the body of my newest fledgling was hauled away by her hair.
As soon as Claudia had gone, Louis came to my side. He knelt behind me and wrapped me in his arms. Protectively.
I was shaking and trembling. His body warm from all the blood he had imbibed. It offset the icy grip of death clawing at my heart.
His hand came to press against my chest, its warmth radiating all the way through to my faltering heart.
“Louis?”
“I’ll take care of you,” he whispered, rocking me gently.
Collapsing against him, I was faintly aware of his arms moving away and yearned for them to return. He had been holding me in a more genuinely loving embrace than he had for years.
I could hear his heart dancing. A manically fast dance as if it were breaking from grief. For me.
I heard her tell him to make his farewells. Were they going somewhere? Without me?
“Louis…?”
Then one shaking arm returned and pulled me flush to his heaving chest. Closing my eyes, I could almost imagine we were pressed close together once more in his coffin. I felt his breath on my cheek. Warm breaths, stuttering as if there were words trapped in his throat. Strands of my hair caught on his chin sticky with the blood of his victims.
I shut my eyes and saw him as the predator, tearing apart those who had disrespected him. And he was embracing me. Looking from under my lashes, I saw my legs twisted and tangled, the white satin soiled with bloody vomit. My head felt so heavy and it was only by resting it against Louis’s chest that I kept it from lolling forward.
Arching back with all the energy I had remaining, I bared my throat to him, sensing what he intended to do. I saw the swordstick from the corner of my eye.
The first time I had set eyes on him, it had been that very blade that had drawn my attention. How fitting that he would use to create his final impression upon me.
“I have loved you… with all myself … am happy it was you… here with me.”
I gave him absolution ahead of the sin he was about to commit. Scant compensation for the absolution I stole from him the night I brutally ended the life of the priest who heard his last mortal confession.
It was my time to pay penance for my sins. Both real and exaggerated. Those for which I was guilty and those which I had been falsely accused of.
Bless me father for I have sinned. I have lied. I have killed. I have committed adultery … I have grievously wounded the man I love.
As my eyes closed I felt his chest heave with a sob. Heard the blade hit the floor. His arms wrapping around me as all the warmth left my body, gushing from my throat in spasms.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Waking up, I feel the coarse weave of a rug against my skin. The fine wool crusty with dried blood I feel with my fingertips. My eyes are crusted over and I cannot open them. Reaching out with a trembling hand, I feel a lid above me. I am shut inside one of the trunks we had purchased for our travels. But there is no swaying of a boat upon the sea. I am still. Unmoving.
With no energy to move, I listen.
I can hear the scampering of small creatures – beetles, worms, mice and rats. No human voices.
Why hadn’t Louis burnt my body and scattered the ashes?
Weak from blood loss, the poison mostly drained away, although its damage already wreaked on my internal organs, I lie still, wondering why Louis spared me.
Purged me of poison and wrapped up like a corpse.
Was this forgiveness or was it penance?
Did I have a soul to save? If I did, was it worth it?
Louis must have thought it was.
I would survive. Whatever it took.
For Louis.
I would do anything for Louis.
~~~@~~~
Video produced by my dear friend:
Lestat - Behind Blue Eyes (by Nina)
