Work Text:
“Oh, come on, Merlin.” Gwaine frowned and took another swig of his beer.
“You don’t understand, Gwaine.” Merlin took a deep breath but then slumped even further into his chair.
Setting his glass down not very gently, Gwaine shook his head. “I know you broke up with him, but come on. Ski trip! We’ve been planning this forever, we booked the cabin in July and it’s already paid for. I sure won’t pay more just because you want to back out!”
“It’s just going to be too awkward.” Merlin looked at the table they sat at in their favourite pub.
“Nonsense,” Leon shook his head. “During the day, we’ll be on the slopes and when we come back, we’ll go clubbing and check out what the town has to offer. You won’t even see him.”
“I still don’t think it’s a good idea.”
They had broken up a few weeks ago, Arthur and him, basically over nothing. Or rather over something. They had been sharing an apartment since university and it had stayed that way. For him, it had been love at first sight and he’d never thought he had a chance with Arthur until one day, Arthur had just grabbed and kissed him in the kitchen while he had been busy making breakfast. It had been heaven.
Until lately, heaven had fallen apart. The little things had started to bother them. It wasn’t only that Arthur started nagging about Merlin’s tendency to make a room look like a bomb had dropped within minutes of entering it, Merlin felt more and more that he didn’t care about it any longer. When he had started to pick up things and store them where they belonged before, that had led to great make-up sex, now, he just couldn’t be arsed. That he couldn’t use his magic bothered him the most, but Arthur hated magic and had made that very clear, so he didn’t. Arthur worked until late in the night and never called to say that he would be late either. Turned-up toilet seats were a reason to fight, forgotten garbage bags, not turning on the washing machine, not ordering the pizza on time…when you started to notice these things and couldn’t get over them anymore, it was time to end it and move on, right?
There hadn’t even been a huge scene or one final fight that had ended in a big bang, no, Merlin had started taking more and more things over to Gwaine’s and camped on the couch more often until that day where he had picked up his last belongings and dropped the key to Arthur’s place onto the coffee table.
Even though he had been able to be himself again, to use his magic whenever he wanted, he didn’t feel better. When he had thought he’d feel happy or at least relieved, he had been wrong. The days had passed and he’d felt more miserable by the minute.
“Merlin,” Leon put his hand on Merlin’s. “I promise, the moment it gets too much, we’ll put you on the train back, okay? At least try to have some fun, you love snowboarding, you can’t skip this trip.”
“The cabin is so huge that you won’t even notice he’s there.” Gwaine took a sip of his beer. “And it won’t be Christmas without you anyway.” He didn’t look at Merlin and Leon leaned over to put a smooch on Gwaine’s cheek. The whispered ‘sap’ didn’t escape Merlin.
“I could stay here and take care of the place, water the plants and such.” Merlin sighed. Part of him wanted to go on this trip, he’d been looking forward to it for so long and he really needed a break but the prospect of being faced with Arthur every day was a bit too overwhelming.
“Merlin,” Gwaine sighed and rolled his eyes, “have you ever seen a living plant in my place? Aside from the stuff that tends to grow on the Chinese take-out when I leave it in the fridge for too long?”
“There’s that little cactus on the window sill.”
“That’s plastic, you dufus. So, are you coming or what?”
+++
It had taken them a few more days of nagging before Merlin agreed to come along.
But now that they were on the road to the skiing resort, Merlin knew it had been a very bad idea. Leon was driving and had ordered Gwaine and him into the back seats, so Merlin was condemned to look at Arthur, who was in the passengers’ seat – or at least at the back of his head. His hair was shining as golden as Merlin remembered it and he fought the urge to reach out and touch it.
“Okay, as soon as we’ve arrived and settled in, I’m going to go rent the latest snowboard, who’s with me?”
“You know that I have my skis along, Gwaine and so does Arthur.” Leon threw him a look through the back-view mirror.
Merlin just nodded. He was there to snowboard, so he would pick out the best snowboard they had and would have the most fun possible. But he couldn’t bring himself to say a word. He appreciated that Gwaine and Leon tried to keep up the conversation.
“Got a new pair, Arthur? The way I know you, you’re equipped with the latest state-of-the-art skis and some well-fitting skiing trousers, aren’t you?” Gwaine reached out and nudged Arthur’s shoulder.
But all Arthur said was “Mhmmm.”
Leon and Gwaine worked hard and Merlin felt horrible and then the forced conversation died down because the road conditions got worse and Leon had to concentrate on driving. Merlin looked out of the side window. Anywhere, but Arthur. Arthur was too close. All Merlin needed to do was reach out and he could run his fingers through golden hair, play with the ends of it, slide his fingertips over the soft skin in the back of Arthur’s neck. Merlin swallowed hard. He needed to bring some distance between them. This wasn’t good. They had broken up, they were over. And yet his body ached to get close, the traitor.
Merlin was relieved when they finally reached the resort.
+++
“I’m so sorry,” the woman said as she opened the door to their cabin for them. “There must have been a mix-up with the bookings, this is all we have left for you.”
Merlin had a sinking feeling when he entered the cabin that was a lot smaller than what they had initially rented.
“Den with fireplace,” the woman rambled on and pointed, “Kitchenette over there, the bathroom is down the little hallway and there are two bedrooms over there both with a comfortable king size bed.”
Gwaine stormed in and looked around. Even though the place was much smaller than they had thought, it seemed cosy. “It’ll do. As long as we get part of our money back.”
“Of course. Be sure we’ll find a solution.”
Leon’s face showed that he wasn’t thrilled but he was way too tired from driving to care. All he wanted was a place to curl up and sleep until the next morning.
Merlin threw Arthur a look. Only two bedrooms. That wouldn’t do. He wouldn’t…no, he couldn’t!!!...share a room with Arthur. Not after the past months. Especially not a room that only had one bed, no matter how big it was. Arthur had his arms crossed in front of his chest and didn’t show any reaction.
“I’m sure you boys will work something out.” With that, the woman left them alone.
Gwaine clapped his hands together. “Let’s get our stuff in.”
“Gwaine…”
“What?”
“Can someone take me to the station, please?” It was the only solution to this dilemma. Merlin would go back. There was no way he would survive until New Year’s in this small place together with Arthur.
“I’m not going to drive another meter. I’m knackered.” Leon yawned.
“Silly.” Arthur hissed.
“What was that?” Merlin glared at him.
“I said ‘silly’.” Arthur turned and faced him. “Like the little kid you are. The thought of having to share a room with me is so horrifying to you that you’d rather spend a night at the station freezing to death, right?”
Merlin frowned. “This was a horrible idea to begin with. I shouldn’t have come. Or you should have had the decency to stay at home! But no, stubborn Pendragon had to pretend that nothing is wrong.” Oh yes, this was exactly what he had feared would happen. They weren’t at their destination for ten minutes and already they were fighting. Swell, just swell.
“Yes, you shouldn’t have come, you’re right.” Arthur glared. “It would be much easier without you. And of course all you can think of now, is running. Again. Stop getting you knickers in a twist already and try to think for once.”
Leon already carried their luggage in and just rose an eyebrow before he closed his eyes and sighed.
“Guys! Guys!” Gwaine stepped between Merlin and Arthur who had gotten dangerously close. “We have a wonderfully comfortable looking couch here in the den. That will solve the problem.”
“You won’t make me sleep on the couch for a whole week.” Arthur threw Gwaine a look.
“We can take turns?” Gwaine offered.
Leon huffed. “It’s way too small for me.” He shrugged and left again to bring more bags in.
“I’ll sleep here for tonight. Tomorrow morning, I’ll find a way to get to the station.” Merlin felt sick. He had just known that this trip would end this way and he didn’t want to make it even worse for Gwaine and Leon. It wasn’t his friends’ fault that the situation was so complicated.
“Only for you to bitch and moan about me getting the room later? No way. I’ll take the couch!” Arthur’s face had turned into a mask of stone.
“In your dreams! I’ll take the couch. I’ll be gone tomorrow anyway!” He wouldn’t even unpack his bag, he’d only take the toothbrush out. No need for anything else, Merlin knew he wouldn’t sleep at all.
“Good!” Arthur spat. The following “Life’s easier without you.” sounded a lot sadder than angry, though.
“Good!”
“Not good!” Gwaine had climbed onto the couch and looked down on them. “I’m the shortest. The couch is mine. You, Merlin, take the room and Arthur will room with Leon.” When Arthur took a deep breath and opened his mouth, Gwaine cut him short. “I’ll just be like old times in school! You know how Leon snores and what he does at night and you’re used to it. End of discussion!”
Leon, who had just dragged the last of their belongings in, frowned. “I do not snore!”
“Yes, you do, sexy. Now give me the bag with the food, I’ll make a quick dinner and then we’ll all get a bit of sleep. The world will look completely different come morning.”
How Gwaine could be so cheery in this situation was beyond Merlin, but there was nothing he could do tonight.
+++
Gwaine was right. The world did look different in the morning. While Merlin had tossed and turned all night, thinking the same thoughts over and over again, it had started snowing. He knew it would be impossible for him to leave now since the nearest train station was about 20 kilometres away and – considering how difficult the road conditions had been the previous day – most likely unreachable for some time unless he used up all his magic to thaw his way there and that would certainly be noticed by others, so it was definitely not an option.
Sighing, he swung his feet over the edge of the bed he had been freezing in most of the night. It was just too big for one person, but the thought of the only second person to take this place made him restless. Why had he yelled at Arthur like that the night before? If there weren’t any emotions left, he wouldn’t have been so fierce, would he? And the same went for Arthur. He knew Arthur well enough to know that Arthur just shrugged things off he didn’t care about. He usually only got loud when there was something really bugging him. What if Arthur still cared for him? Only a tiny little bit?
But no, it was most likely just some kind of feeling still remaining from their relationship that Arthur would let go of soon. There was nothing left of ‘them’.
Pulling a thick sweater over his head, Merlin made his way to the kitchen area. Maybe a good tea would make the world look a lot brighter.
He stopped short, though, when he noticed that the other person rummaging through the cabinets was Arthur. How good he looked! His hair still pressed to the side he slept on, standing up in the back and the way he rubbed at one eye while he waited for the water to boil made Merlin’s insides want to run over to wrap his arms around him and nuzzle into his neck. Of course he wouldn’t. Arthur had never said anything about him moving out, so it was okay with him.
Even though everything in Merlin wanted to reach out for Arthur, Merlin knew he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t accept him the way he was. Arthur was brought up to despise anything magic. But it was unfair to think that way. As soon as Merlin had noticed that Arthur wasn’t fond of magic, he stopped doing it around him on his own. But for that one time…
While he stood there, pondering what to do next, Arthur noticed him.
“Morning.”
“Morning, Arthur.”
“Tea?” Arthur had found a mug and some tea bags and the water was boiling.
“Yes, please.”
This couldn’t be. It had been ages since Arthur had made tea for him, especially not in the morning. Arthur wasn’t a morning person. But now he took a second mug from the cupboard, tossed a tea bag in and poured water in the two mugs.
“Thanks.”
Instead of handing Merlin the mug, though, Arthur took his and wandered out of the kitchen and left Merlin to himself.
+++
No matter how much Merlin insisted that someone take him to the train station, it was just not possible. Besides the road conditions, Leon and Gwaine wanted to go skiing, so after a bit of discussion, Merlin let Gwaine drag him to the store where they rented the latest snowboards, they got their lift passes and let the gondola take them up to explore the skiing area.
While Gwaine and Merlin tried the areas that were meant for snowboarders, Leon and Arthur went a different direction to try out their new skis.
After a while, Merlin completely forgot about Arthur and just enjoyed the scenery, the wonderful weather and the freshly fallen snow. He hadn’t felt so alive in ages.
“I like that.” Gwaine looked at Merlin when they finally stopped for lunch and stomped onto the terrace of a hut where they would get something to drink and a hearty local meal to recharge their batteries.
“It’s beautiful here.” Merlin agreed.
“Not what I meant.” Gwaine winked. “The smile on your face. Haven’t seen that in a while.”
Merlin followed Gwaine inside. He had missed this. Working himself into exhaustion in clean mountain air…life wasn’t so bad after all.
“Looks like you already caught a bit of a sunburn.” Gwaine observed.
Making a face, Merlin reached up to touch his nose. Gwaine was probably right, so he dug through his pockets for his sun screen. When he pulled it out, a little wave of sadness washed over him. He’d bought this tube when he was in Spain with Arthur the previous year.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Gwaine sighed. “You’re not. Why don’t you talk to him?”
“What’s there to talk about?”
Taking a long drag of his beer, Gwaine sat the glass down again and looked at Merlin for a long moment. “You’ve never told him why you moved out, did you? You never even told me why you did that.”
Merlin shrugged. “It just didn’t work out. I mean…” he lowered his voice, “he never accepted my magic. I stopped doing magic around him because he hates it. And how can I be with someone who doesn’t take me for who I am? Things started to get on his nerves, things started to get on mine. Time to move on.” He shrugged again. “It just wasn’t meant to be.”
Gwaine snorted. “Yeah, right.”
“Right.”
“Hey, I saw you two in the kitchen this morning. You both were dying to say something. Talk to him. Maybe not all hope is lost?”
Merlin closed his eyes and shook his head. “We’re over.”
The look on Gwaine’s face showed that he didn’t believe that for a second, but he let it go and talked about the slopes they had taken and which areas to explore next.
+++
On the way back to their cabin, they bought a few groceries and before Leon and Arthur stumbled in, Merlin was already stirring a huge pot of stew and ordering Gwaine to set the table and put the used knives away.
Leon came in and nicked a few slices of bell pepper before he wrapped his arms around Gwaine and kissed him. “Hey love, how was your day?”
Merlin tried not to look, but even though he was happy for his friends the way they lovingly greeted each other stung. Gwaine and Leon were a very unlikely pair, being so different, almost opposite to each other. Gwaine, the free thinker, never caring about rules, changing his mind in mid-thought and Leon, the stickler to rules who liked things to be done a certain way. They were good for each other and even after a year still so much in love as when they first got together.
“Wash up, dinner will be ready soon.” Gwaine whispered and stole another kiss.
“Smells good, Merlin.” Leon peeked towards the pot before he left the kitchen again.
Merlin couldn’t share Gwaine’s good mood. He dreaded the moment where they would all sit down at the table to have dinner. He needn’t have worried, though. The moment he was changed, Arthur left the cabin and yelled “Don’t wait up for me.” at nobody particularly.
Leon removed the fourth plate from the table when he came back and they sat down to eat, talking about their day.
Only when they were done doing the dishes and moved to the den area with hot chocolates, Merlin started to feel uncomfortable. This was Gwaine’s and Leon’s time, they deserved to spend it together without him being the fifth wheel. So he finished his drink, took the mug to the kitchen and excused himself, insisting he was very tired after a day on the slopes with a lot more physical activity than he’d gotten in ages.
Since Arthur wasn’t anywhere in sight, Merlin went to his room. Who wasn’t here couldn’t claim rights to sleep in the bed, right? It was still a bit chilly, so Merlin tried a little heat-charm and after some tossing and turning, exhaustion took over and he fell asleep.
+++
It had been snowing again during the night and the sun wasn’t anywhere to be seen when Merlin padded out to the common area in the morning. He avoided looking at the couch, but there was no sign of Arthur or that he even had been there at all.
“Morning, sleepyhead.” Leon stood at the counter and poured himself a coffee.
“Morning.” Scratching at his neck, Merlin went over to make a tea. “Where is everyone?”
“Gwaine’s in the bathroom and Arthur…don’t know, he wanted to get an early start, I suppose.”
Peeking outside the window, Merlin made a face. “Any idea what it looks like up there this morning?”
“They say it’s a big foggy and most likely some of the more difficult slopes will be closed but we should try to get some skiing in anyway.” Leon sat down, looked at his breakfast and rubbed his hands together before he started to eat.
“That’s what we came here for.”
“We need to make a plan, though,” Leon said around a mouthful of scrambled eggs and beans.
“A plan?” Merlin’s brain wasn’t really functional before he had his first tea.
Nodding, Leon shovelled more food into his mouth. “When to get the tree and how to set it up, we need a plan for that.”
“The tree?” There were tons of trees around the cabin, what would Leon want with a tree?
Leon set his cutlery down and looked at Merlin. “Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve?”
“I don’t feel like Christmas, leave me out of it.”
After a bit of back and forth, Merlin finally agreed to help set up a small Christmas tree in the cabin and be present for the decorating, too. He knew they would be able to spend most of the day on the slopes and who knew if Arthur would spend the evening at the cabin at all. Maybe it would just be a nice evening with friends and he would go to bed early and when he woke up again, Christmas would be over.
+++
The day was still foggy when the gondola brought them up to the skiing area, and it wasn’t really too much fun. It became increasingly difficult to see the boundaries of the slopes and they couldn’t go as fast as they would have liked, so Gwaine and Merlin decided to call it a day at around 2 pm.
They entered the cabin about an hour later to find Leon setting up a tree that was almost too big for the den.
“Oh, hey, you two. Did you have fun?”
Gwaine went over to put a quick smooch on Leon’s lips. “Not as much as we wanted. I see you’re back as well and already busy.”
“Only for about half an hour or so. It just got too foggy.”
Merlin took his jacket off. “Isn’t this tree a bit too big?”
Leon laughed. “It was all that was left. I’ve sent Arthur to town to get more decorations. What we brought is just too meagre for a tree this large.”
Merlin’s breath caught. He had fond memories of Arthur and him decorating their first Christmas tree together. There had been lots of laughter and the occasional kiss and in the end, they had forgotten about the tree altogether and were busy quickly adjusting their clothes when his mam rang the doorbell. A wave of sadness washed through him when he remembered Arthur’s look when he had finished the decoration with a wave of his hand and a bit of glowing eyes. That had probably been the beginning of the end. Arthur had been weird for the next couple of days until Merlin thought he’d forgotten about the incident.
“Come on, Merlin, get changed and help, you promised!”
Sighing, Merlin nodded and made his way to his room, took a quick shower and got dressed again, making sure he stalled but not enough for the others to notice.
When he returned to the den, Arthur was back and there was a huge array of boxes with ornaments and other decorations on the coffee table, the couch and the armchairs. Merlin crept closer to take a look. Of course, Arthur had to get red and golden glass ornaments and everything looked very pricey. Prat.
The others were already in the middle of decorating the tree, in fact, they were almost done.
“Oy.” Gwaine blinked.
Leon stretched but the tree was too tall even for him to put a few baubles further up and there was no way they would be able to fix the star onto the top. “What now?”
“Do we have a ladder?” Arthur looked around.
“Nope. Checked everywhere and I couldn’t reach the front desk to ask for one either. I guess this is what our tree will look like unless I can sit on your shoulder and try to reach up.”
Leon’s shoulders fell. “This looks crappy. As if we wanted a lot but weren’t able to go through with it.”
Merlin worried his lower lip with his teeth when Gwaine turned to him. “You can do something about it, can’t you, Merlin?”
Glancing at Arthur quickly, who stood very still, Merlin slightly shook his head. “No, I can’t.”
Arthur huffed and grabbed his jacket as he turned and headed for the door.
Merlin felt miserable. Staying had been a mistake, he needed to leave. They were barely tolerating each other, how could Gwaine expect him to do magic in front of Arthur when that had been the reason why they drifted apart in the first place? That Arthur couldn’t even watch him do magic now was proof enough.
“Come on,” Leon nodded, “Impress us. We know you can do it, but you never show us. Now’s the chance.”
“I’m not a circus act and magic is not to be used for simple stuff like this.” Merlin wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly feeling very cold.
Gwaine frowned. “I have seen you clean the kitchen with magic when you thought I wasn’t looking.”
Merlin threw the door another glance and sighed. “That’s different.”
“No, it isn’t.” Gwaine held a box with baubles out to him.
“I’ve never seen you do it.” Leon looked expectantly. “He’s gone, show me.”
He’s gone. Even though Merlin managed to forget about Arthur for a while during the day, the situation here reminded him painfully of that fact. Arthur was gone. He took a deep breath.
“Alright.” Closing his eyes, Merlin tried to find the right emotion in him and when he opened them again, they were glowing golden and the ornaments arranged themselves on the tree.
“Whoa!” Leon set the empty box down and looked from the tree to Merlin and back. “That’s impressive!”
Merlin took a deep breath. “It’s nothing.” He shrugged.
“You can do a lot more, I know, but this is pretty neat. Can you teach me?” Gwaine grinned. “Would be so handy to do my work that way.”
Smiling, Merlin shook his head. “If there was a sliver of magic in you, I’d have detected it. So sorry, mate, no can do.”
“Damn.” It didn’t look as if Gwaine was too sad about it, though, as he reached for his hot apple cider and took a sip.
They moved the boxes aside and Leon threw Merlin appreciative glances even when they just sat there, put their feet up and looked at the tree.
Arthur didn’t come back.
+++
“Merry Christmas!”
Leon was way too cheery this early in the morning for Merlin’s liking. “Hi.” He padded over to brew himself a tea. “It’s not Christmas yet.”
“Whatever.” Leon laughed. “Don’t be such a Grinch, Merlin. Look, the sun is shining, there’s been new snow last night, the slopes are open and just waiting for us to explore. And then, we all will be back at around four, so we can start cooking and have ourselves a merry little Christmas Eve, just like we planned.”
Arthur entered the kitchen area and threw Leon a look. “Yeah, just like we planned.”
Merlin didn’t need to look at him to hear the bitterness in his voice. He’d imagined this Christmas way different, too. “Things don’t always go according to plan. Life is what happens.”
“Oh? Is that so?” Arthur switched to his most sarcastic tone of voice.
“Yes, that is so. People develop in different directions and what had been great before isn’t great any longer.”
Gwaine snatched a piece of toast and bit into it on his way into the kitchen. “Guys! Guys, it’s Christmas Eve! No fighting allowed or else Santa won’t bring any presents tonight!”
“There are more domestic fights on Christmas Day than any other day of the year.” Merlin tossed his tea bag out and sipped. “See you on the slopes.” He took his tea along to get changed, he needed to get out of the cabin as soon as possible to spend as much time away from Arthur as he could. Having to spend the whole evening with him was a prospect he wasn’t looking forward to. The past days had shown him that he still felt a lot more for Arthur than he wanted and being close for a whole evening seemed to be a very bad idea. Arthur couldn’t even stand to see him do magic, he made that pretty clear the previous evening.
+++
Gwaine had persuaded Merlin to leave the slopes early to get a head-start on cooking and Merlin was already chopping up vegetables in the kitchen while Gwaine started the fire in the fireplace.
“It’ll be warm and cosy in no time, Merlin, you just wait and see.”
“I can’t believe how domesticated you’ve become. And who knew that it would take Leon to tame you?” Merlin grinned. He was really happy for his friends, they were good for each other.
“Oy! You know I’m a wild thing! A beast!” Gwaine washed his hands at the sink and made funny faces that probably meant that he was a lion showing his teeth.
“Here, you beast, take care of the dessert.” Merlin pointed to the ingredients as the door flew open.
“You’re back earl…” Gwaine stopped in mid-sentence when he turned around. “Arthur! What’s wrong?”
Merlin tried not to, but he swivelled around and his breath caught. Leon was supporting Arthur who could barely walk and who held his right arm protectively close to his torso.
“Stupid ski accident.” Leon grunted as he hauled Arthur onto the couch.
“I’ll call a doctor!” Merlin already reached for his mobile.
Shaking his head, Leon left it to Gwaine to make Arthur comfortable while he got a crutch in. “We’re just back from the hospital. They couldn’t really see anything on the Xrays, it’s too swollen, but they think the ankle is not broken. They’re not so sure about the wrist, though.”
“Stop talking about me as if I wasn’t here.” Arthur held his breath when Gwaine helped remove his jacket and then sank back again the pillows. He hissed when Leon put his foot up, but didn’t protest else. “I’ll live.”
Merlin watched with beating heart. “Anything I can do?” All he wanted to do was run over and make sure that Arthur was alright, but the way Arthur had reacted to him in the past days showed him that he couldn’t.
Leon shoved some pills into his hand. “Make sure he takes his pain killers on time. We need to take him back to the hospital tomorrow. Or if things get worse during the night.”
“Fucking fox.”
“Pardon?” Merlin looked up from where he was reading the package insert to find out about dosage and side effects.
“If that fucking fox had stayed where it belonged – they do hibernate, don’t they? – then this wouldn’t have happened.” Arthur took a deep breath and tried to get more comfortable.
Shaking his head, Merlin folded the insert and stuffed it into the package again. “No, Arthur, I don’t think they do. It was probably just looking for food.” He poured a glass of water and took one tablet out of the blister. “Here, take this and then try to sleep a bit. When you wake up…”
“Santa has been here.” Arthur shot Merlin a glare.
Chuckling despite himself, Merlin took the glass from Arthur. “Probably not, but dinner will be ready and I know for sure that Gwaine makes your favourite dessert.”
Grumbling something like ‘at least someone who does nice things for me’, Arthur closed his eyes and sighed when Merlin spread a fleece throw over him.
+++
Merlin had been right. Arthur slept through all the dinner preparations and not even the smell of turkey and chestnut stuffing or that of the Brussels sprouts could wake him up.
There were potatoes and bacon, bread sauce and gravy and Leon had lovingly made more pigs in a blanket than anyone could eat. Gwaine was proud of how his Christmas pudding had turned out and didn’t even comment when Leon had cut up some fruit for a simple fruit salad, too.
Even though he was worried about Arthur, Merlin had enjoyed working in the kitchen with the other lads. It felt as if this was the first time they really did something together instead of pairing up in a way for Arthur and him to avoid each other.
Leon leaned in and put a soft kiss on Gwaine’s lips. “Would you get the crackers, love?”
Merlin swallowed. Only a year ago, he had pictured every Christmas to be like this. But as he had said just this morning, things didn’t always turn out the way as planned.
+++
Arthur came to a while later and they had moved all the food to the coffee table and lit the Christmas tree.
Without saying a word, Merlin cut up Arthur’s food into little pieces. “Here you go.”
Shooting him another glare, Arthur sighed. “How old am I? Three? And why are we having a Christmas dinner tonight, it’s only Christmas Eve?”
“No, 32, despite the fact that you act like a three-year-old once in a while.” Merlin frowned.
“You can’t cut up your meat with that hand, Arthur. And you know we’d initially planned to go to the Christmas food/dance/sing thing here in the village tomorrow.” Leon reasoned before Arthur could say what he obviously wanted to say.
“Yup, play nice. We’ve stood in the kitchen all afternoon, so…enjoy.” Gwaine flopped down on a huge pillow on the floor. “Hey, handy. This reduces the way from my plate to my mouth at least by half.” He grinned and poured a generous amount of gravy over the potatoes on his plate.
They ate mostly in silence, once in a while making a content noise when they had a very delicious bite, listening to the Christmas songs coming from the old radio.
“I never knew you could cook.” Arthur said after a while.
Gwaine grinned. “Had a good teacher.” He smiled at Leon.
“We forgot to pull the crackers open!” Merlin didn’t look at anyone. He’d tried to teach Arthur how to cook but Arthur had never shown interest and pretended to be too busy.
Gwaine laughed. “You only want to find the crown!”
Of course it was Arthur who found a paper crown in his cracker and he wore it proudly – or under the influence of his drugs as he insisted - for the rest of the dinner.
+++
After they were done doing the dishes, Gwaine carried his Christmas pudding in and they started to exchange presents. Leon wasn’t quite happy with this change of tradition.
“Now that we can’t go skiing tomorrow morning, we can exchange presents on Christmas Day, as it is supposed to be!”
“You can go skiing. As I said, I’m not dying, you don’t have to watch over me all the time.” Arthur insisted.
“You will get bored and we all know you start doing stupid stuff when you get bored.” Gwaine grinned.
“Won’t. I’m a big boy.”
Merlin watched them and listened to the banter but didn’t join in. Someone would have to stay with Arthur, he wasn’t able to even make it to the bathroom on his own.
“Okay, time for presents!” Gwaine finally announced.
Merlin had brought some small things for his friends, stuff he had found at crafts markets and other occasions throughout the year. That was how he did his Christmas shopping. There was no huge hectic rush in December, he saw things he thought his friends might like and bought them sometimes as early as April.
He gave Gwaine a t-shirt with a funny print on it and Leon a DVD of a foreign film they had been talking about a while ago.
Of course he hadn’t been sure whether to take Arthur’s present along, the one he bought when they were still together, so he had left that at home and since it might have looked stupid if he didn’t have anything for him, he’d gone for a soft red scarf with a golden dragon embroidery.
“The flat one, in the corner, can you bring that here, Leon?”
Leon went over and got the neatly wrapped gift for Arthur, who took it with his good hand and held it out to Merlin before he could even give him the scarf. “Here.”
“Arthur…,” Merlin swallowed, “you didn’t need to get me anything.”
“I know, but I already had it when you…when… If you don’t like it, just toss it into the fire.”
Merlin could hear Gwaine and Leon holding their breaths’ but then he reached for the gift. Sitting down in one of the chairs, he unwrapped it slowly.
It totally took his breath away when he saw what it was. An ancient book about herbal magic.
“It’s only a facsimile. Not as old as it pretends to be.”
That was the Arthur Merlin knew. Doing a big thing and then playing it down.
“I…I can’t take this, Arthur, it’s much too valuable.”
“Then toss it into the fire.”
“Never.”
“Then keep it and do what you have to do with all this crazy herb shit.”
“Thanks.” With shaking hands, Merlin handed the little package with the scarf over. “It’s not much. I left the one I got before…you know…I left it at home, thinking you might not want it.”
Arthur ripped the paper apart clumsily with one hand and pulled the scarf out. He wrapped it around his throat. “It matches my golden crown. Thanks.”
Leon chuckled. “It’s only yellow paper, Arthur.”
“You’re lacking imagination, my friend.”
Gwaine laughed. “And I think it’s time for your meds!”
They sat in silence for a while, listening to the radio, watching the fire and the Christmas tree and sipping their hot apple ciders, picking crumbs from the pudding once in a while.
It was out of the question that Arthur slept on the couch in his state, so they manoeuvred him over to the room Merlin had used the previous nights after he had taken more pain killers. They set up watches, so Arthur would not be alone and Leon took the first while Merlin and Gwaine took care of the left-overs and cleaned the table.
“Not all hope is lost.”
“Huh?” Merlin looked up from where he had his hands in the dish water.
“Come on, Merlin. You keep telling me that Arthur hates your magic and that was the reason you two split up. If he did, he wouldn’t have given you that book.”
Merlin’s lower lip trembled and he needed to bite down on it for a moment. “Maybe it was just a joke for him. To rub it in that I’m not what he wanted.”
Gwaine threw him a look. “I think you’re totally wrong. And you still want him, too. The way you all but fed him during dinner, the looks you throw him in the morning…you’re miserable, Merlin, talk to him.”
“I can’t talk to him now, he’s drugged up, he wouldn’t remember anyway.”
“Now or never, Merlin. At least he can’t run away.” Gwaine laughed at his own joke and continued to dry the dishes Merlin pulled out of the water.
+++
Gwaine went to bed a while later and Merlin was left in the den by himself. He had pretended to set up his bed on the couch, but then he just sat there, the book Arthur had given him in his lap, his fingers running over the old and well-used leather binding. It was a much too expensive gift, especially now that they weren’t together anymore, but it also showed that Arthur had put a lot of thought into it.
Arthur had given Leon and Gwaine tickets to a sold-out pop concert a few months away. They hadn’t stopped moaning about how they tried to get their hands on tickets but the show sold out so quickly that they hadn’t managed. That was such an Arthur thing to do. He most likely had made one phone call after Gwaine had bitched about stupid ticket sellers and no matter what the cost, someone got him the tickets to make his friends happy.
But this book…Merlin had never mentioned that he liked experimenting with herbs, using them for healing and mixing them up in teas and potions. Of course, when he still lived at Arthur’s place, he had turned a window sill into a little herb garden but he had always thought that Arthur hadn’t even noticed that he had done so.
A wave of emotions washed through him. He had missed Arthur and Gwaine was right, he still felt a lot more for him than he had been willing to admit. Maybe…maybe he should at least try to talk to him?
Taking a deep breath, Merlin put the book on the coffee table, got up and went to the door where he heard Arthur and Leon talking softly.
After a soft knock, he peeked in. “I think you’re done with your shift, Leon. Let me take over. Gwaine is waiting for you.”
Leon smiled as he got up. “You know him. A good dinner and some drinks and he’s out like a light. I even thought I heard him snore a few minutes ago.” He didn’t object that Merlin came closer, though. “Don’t hesitate to wake me up in case…”
“I’m not dying.” Arthur mock-glared.
After saying his good-night, Leon was gone and Merlin stood by the chair that Leon had moved next to the bed. “Is there anything I can get you? Do you need some water or some more food?”
Arthur shook his head and then made a face, the movement must have jarred his arm or foot.
“If you’d rather…I can go to the den and leave the door open. I’ll check on you every now and then.”
“No. Stay.” Arthur looked at the chair.
Merlin sat down and an awkward little silence spread. There was so much he wanted to say but he didn’t know how to or if Arthur would even listen.
“Merlin?”
“Is there anything you need? Let me get it for you.” Merlin was about to get up.
“Why did you leave?”
He hadn’t expected the question and inhaled sharply as he sank back onto the chair. “I…I thought that was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?”
“Someone once said that it takes headlines in bold letters or a blinking sign for me to notice things, so…why?”
For a brief moment, Merlin almost smiled. It had been him who said it. When he first told Arthur that he loved him and had caught Arthur by surprise, the oblivious clotpole. The smile fell off his face very quickly, though. He leaned his elbows on his knees and looked down between his feet. “You hate magic.”
“I don’t!” Arthur tried to sit up but then hissed and sank back into the pillow. He shook his head when Merlin jumped up and reached for the pain killers. “I…no, Merlin, I don’t. What makes you think I do?”
Sitting back down, Merlin clasped his hands together and started to examine his fingers, anything if only he didn’t have to look at Arthur now. “Last Christmas…our first Christmas…”
“Our only Christmas.” Arthur sounded bitter.
Merlin swallowed hard.
“Merlin, please. You just walked out of my life and never gave me an explanation. At least let me know where we were going wrong.”
The way Arthur looked at him…Merlin had never seen him more vulnerable and he knew Arthur was right. “Remember that we weren’t done decorating the tree when my mam showed up?”
“Yes.” A little smile tugged at the corners of Arthur’s mouth. He obviously remembered what had led to them not being done.
“I used my magic to finish.”
“I remember.”
Taking a deep breath, Merlin continued. “You didn’t like it. The look on your face...you hated it. And then you started working long hours and we started to just living next to each other, me being busy with teaching and cooking, you working so much and footie…we hardly saw each other anymore. All because of my magic and I couldn’t stand the thought that you didn’t want all of me.” He got up and took the two steps to the window and looked out. “So I left.”
The moonlight reflecting on the snow lit up the scenery beautifully and Merlin would have called it romantic if he had one thought to spare, but his mind was busy explaining the break-up. “It felt as if you had left long before.”
There was a long silence and at one point Merlin thought that Arthur might have fallen asleep due to his meds and hadn’t even heard all he had said but when he turned around, Arthur still looked at him, shock and sadness written all over his face.
“Merlin, I…”
Merlin hadn’t even noticed the tears running down his face but now he did and tried to wipe them away quickly as he sniffed.
“I don’t.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t hate magic.”
“But…the way you looked at me last year…” Merlin sank down into the chair again.
Arthur shook his head slightly. “I…I was just surprised. I knew you had magic but I had thought it was just enough to do some fun tricks. What you did with the ornaments last year and how quick…only then I realized that you could do much more.”
Nodding, Merlin couldn’t object. Some said he was the most powerful warlock that ever walked the earth, but he wasn’t so sure about that.
“How could you ever think I hated you for that?”
“You started to withdraw. Long hours at the office, overtime, calls with overseas you needed to do in the evening or the middle of the night, lots of business trips…” Merlin didn’t like to think back to that time. He had felt rejected and as if Arthur was just too much of a coward to break up with him face to face.
Arthur huffed out a bitter laugh. “Father pushed that project on me, I never wanted it. He thought I would be the lead of the head office in the States one day. I just did it so we could afford the house we wanted…”
“You never said that.” Merlin hadn’t meant for it to sound so accusing. It must have been a difficult time for Arthur. When Uther had set his mind on something, he usually got what he wanted but if Arthur had told him, he could at least have been there for him.
There was another bit of silence.
“And it’s not really fair to push this on me. After Christmas, you drew back, you didn’t tell me things. You never let me pick you up from school. You didn’t even tell me what you are teaching.” Arthur sounded tired.
“Magic.”
“I know you have magic. But what are you teaching? What’s the subject? Can’t you even tell me now?”
“Magic, Arthur. I teach young warlocks and witches.” When they had started dating, Merlin had been out of a job. Only later he had gotten the position as a teacher and that Arthur didn’t like magic – or so he had thought – hadn’t made it easier to tell him what exactly he was practicing with the kids each day.
Arthur blinked and then chuckled. “You’re working at Hogwarts? Impressive.”
Merlin couldn’t help but grinning. “Not really. It’s in the heart of London and we do not wear long black robes and we do not believe in differently coloured scarves.”
“Too bad.”
Before the silence could get too long, Merlin took another deep breath. “Thanks for the book, it’s wonderful.”
“Your herbs are dead, though.”
“It’s been a few months and you have been busy.”
Arthur looked up. “I quit.”
“What?”
“I’ve quit my job.”
“You didn’t!” Merlin couldn’t believe it. Arthur was a workaholic, he’d never do such a thing.
“I did. After you left…it didn’t make sense anymore.”
“I’m sorry.” Merlin didn’t even know what exactly he was sorry for. He was definitely sorry for leaving, he missed Arthur every day and it looked as if he totally misinterpreted everything but he was also sorry for Arthur quitting a job he had liked.
“Don’t be. I’m a lot more relaxed lately. And I’ve had time to miss you.”
Merlin held his breath. Arthur had missed him. It was all a bit much. For a whole year he had believed that Arthur hated magic, that he hated him and did everything to drive him away, that Arthur was happy when he finally left. And for just as long he had missed Arthur.
“I’m…I’ve missed you, too.”
“You did?” Arthur looked at him.
Nodding, Merlin slumped down. “I’m an idiot.”
“I’ve never claimed anything different.”
“Isn’t that the point where you are supposed to say ‘Me too’?” Merlin didn’t know what to feel. He was happy that they had spoken, he was happy that Arthur didn’t hate him, that he even missed him. All the emotions that he had tried to shove away in the past months surfaced again and even though he had no idea where this evening would take them, he knew he still loved Arthur.
“Well, maybe…I was so hurt that you just left without a word that I never wanted to speak to you again. I thought never seeing you again would still be too soon.”
“Yet here we are, talking.” There was hope, right?
Arthur tried to change his position a bit and grit his teeth. “Yes, we are and that feels good.”
“Maybe we could do it more often?” Merlin’s heart was beating so loud that he thought Arthur should be able to hear it.
Nodding, Arthur tried to smile. “I’d like that very much.” He hissed again.
“Another pain killer?” Merlin reached for the meds.
“You know…I’ve been thinking…”
Holding his breath, Merlin leaned forward. “Yes?”
“Isn’t there some kind of magic to mend broken bones?”
“That’s a very specific kind of magic.” Merlin blinked. “You…you want me to…”
Arthur looked at him. “I’d appreciate if you could make this go away, even just for the night, so I could get some sleep later?”
“I’m not sure if I can…I could try to…” Merlin almost grinned as an idea formed in his mind, “There’s a spell…but I’d have to touch you, if that’s okay?” He never asked for permission to touch Arthur before, but that they were on speaking terms again didn’t mean he could just do it.
Arthur nodded and held his breath when Merlin put a hand on his head and the other on his chest.
“Breathe.” Merlin leaned close and looked into Arthur’s eyes. He was closer than he had been in months and he knew he had to go through with his plan. Very slowly, he closed the space between them and pressed his lips on Arthur’s.
Merlin was ready to pull back when he heard Arthur breathing in sharply. But then he felt a hand in his neck and Arthur kissed back.
When they finally broke for air, Merlin saw Arthur smile. “What?” he whispered.
“I’ve been wanting this to happen since you got in the car.”
“I’m glad it did happen. I hope you can forgive me one day but be sure that I’ve never stopped loving you.”
“Is this the part where it gets really sappy?” Arthur chuckled but Merlin just nodded. “Well, then. Same here. And I do hope that your stupid things will be moved back in first thing when we come back.”
Smiling widely, Merlin leaned his forehead against Arthur’s shoulder.
“You know…the pillow smells like you.” Arthur whispered.
“I’m sorry.”
“No…it’s nice. But you know what would be a lot nicer?”
“No, Arthur, what?”
“If you just climbed into this too huge bed now. It’s a bit chilly here on my own.”
Merlin pulled back and looked at Arthur. “Are you sure? What about your injuries?”
“When you…when you kissed me, I hardly felt them. That’s a nice kind of magic.”
Chuckling, Merlin concentrated on a healing charm and smiled when Arthur seemed to relax. He kicked his shoes off and got under the cover that Arthur lifted. He moved around a bit until he held Arthur without jarring his arm or ankle.
When Arthur tried to snuggle back into him, Merlin nuzzled into his neck. He didn’t know what would happen in the morning or if Arthur would still want him to move back in once the meds had worn off. But for now, he was happy.
He thought that Arthur had finally fallen asleep as the church clock in the village struck midnight. “Merry Christmas, Arthur.” He whispered.
“Merry Christmas, Merlin.”