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It was easy to be confident as Ladybug, the mask and title giving her a sense of security that wasn’t available to Marinette. People trusted her and, most importantly, she trusted herself. She wasn’t clumsy, her thoughts clear and concise with a mission to focus on- she could throw a punch with ease because there wasn’t time to hesitate. The entirety of Paris relied on her and her partner so she made herself reliable.
Marinette had grown more confident since she’d gained a miraculous too, standing up to Chloe and voicing her thoughts in class. But still, she had doubts about her capabilities, overly aware of the way she stutters under a certain someone's mere glance and the many bruises covering her body from pure clumsiness. Bullying over the years made her insecure, not of her body exactly but just who she was as a whole. Boring, unremarkable Marinette with dreams that surely flew far above her skill set. She took pride in her determination and kindness, her most “ladybug traits” from before she even became her, yet everything else was so… un-ladybuglike.
And so, although she felt most herself as Marinette, she took comfort in the magical mask across her face. On most days, that is. Sure, her thoughts had briefly overwhelmed her during akuma battles before but never for long and almost always at a great hindrance to her and Chat. Which is exactly why the latest victim of hawkmoth terrified her.
From what they’d gathered so far the villain Insecurity was, well, just that before the Akuma had got to them. And now, they vowed to make everyone else’s insecurities come to the front too. Ladybug knew if it hit her she was screwed. Maybe that’s why she was off her game, already using her lucky charm or perhaps today was simply the day the bugs luck finally ran out as she found herself being flung full force into a glass window and crashing into a wall, a red beam from the villain's staff hitting her on her way down.
All at once she was hit with a thousand thoughts, it felt as though they were circling her, dizzying any clarity she had left. She couldn’t do this, not now. She was the worst ladybug yet, a disaster. It was a mistake to have ever picked her. If anyone knew-
“M’lady?”
Chat. Her amazingly wonderful partner and friend. The leather-clad hero deserved better than her, someone who wasn’t so scared, too scared to even let him in a little. Too disappointing behind the mask. He’d hate her.
A hand was suddenly on her shoulder and she threw her head up, blue eyes meeting concerned green, “I would never hate you, with or without the mask”, his calming voice broke through her panic. She blinked away the tears she was unaware she’d shed, realising quickly that not only had she been talking out loud but she was in front of her entire class. Of course, of all the buildings for her to crash into it just had to be Françoise Dupont. She could only focus on the small relief of still being in costume before a beep in her ear caught her attention. Ah.
Realising she must have missed the earlier warnings in her panic, she quickly ducked behind Madame Bustier's desk as her transformation wore off- sending a quick prayer to the previous holders themselves that her classmates would be smart enough to not look. Gasping as her thoughts bubbled up again she barely registered Chat Noir asking, “Do you have food to recharge or-”
“I can’t”, she interrupted, unable to stop the quiver in her voice- “I can’t be Ladybug. Not like this.”. Marinette could practically feel the questioning look her partner must have been giving her from the other side of the desk. Moving quickly, she ripped her earrings out, Tikki only having time to gasp before she was gone. With shaking hands, she placed them on the surface behind her. “Find someone else, just for now,” She desperately tried to ignore the screaming in her head that he should find someone new for good. That she was never worthy of the miraculous to begin with.
Chat tried to protest, but she interrupted yet again- “I know I’m not thinking clearly and maybe this is risky and stupid but that's exactly why I can’t be ladybug right now. I’m afraid I’ve got a few too many insecurities to bear even with superpowers.,” She let out a pathetic, wet laugh, “I trust you to pick someone worthy. And don’t even try to argue Chatton,” she heard the snap of a jaw, suppressing a smile at how well she could predict his moves, “We don’t have time, someones got to stop the Akuma. Pick well,”
There was a tense pause, during which she wished she could peak her head over to gauge his reaction.
Finally, he spoke softly, “No one’s a better pick than you”, she desperately wished she could believe him, every thought disagreeing more harshly. Shaking her head, she remained silent. Eventually, she heard his claws upon the wood as he took the earrings, immediately turning - “Ladyblog girl! Can I trust you?”
She had to bring her hands to her mouth quickly to stifle a... Laugh? Sob? The girl wasn’t sure herself. Alya, of course, he’d picked her. A part of her knew she should be relieved- Alya was an excellent choice, someone she had picked herself to hold the miraculous of the fox. The power of the akumas hit was overshadowing such thoughts, however, instead just reminding her of when the doubt began. She had tried to give her own miraculous to Alya when it was first placed in her care, a cowardly move based on her own insecurities. All things she thought she was over now, she was ladybug and she did it well. Yet the whispering in her head was strong, pointing out over and over again how much of a better fit her best friend was.
Absently she registered Alya’s transformation and departure alongside her partner. An irrational part of her wanted to be angry, at Chat for picking her of everyone, at Alya for being so perfect for the role. No, it wasn’t their fault. It was her doing that made him even have to pick a substitute Ladybug to begin with. Massaging her temples as if that would calm her thoughts, she sighed and leant against the desk.
“Are you alright uh- lady dude?” Nino’s voice caught her attention, forcibly reminding her how exposed her identity currently is. Clearing her throat she tried to sound confident as she replied, “Yeah, yeah! I’m fine, I’m sure that Alya girl will fix everything soon,” She prayed the quiver in her voice didn’t carry to her audience, she knew it had when Max spoke up, “I do believe there's a 99.9% chance you’re lying”.
Trying not to be frustrated with the well-meaning class of students she sighed, “All right, I’m not. I’m sorry, this isn’t a side of me you’re meant to see. I mean, if I wasn’t already such an insecure idiot this Akuma wouldn’t have affected me so harshly..” Marinette trailed off slightly, unsure how much to say, “It must be disappointing to learn that under the mask the great Ladybug is a self-conscious coward”. Silence fell again, it wasn’t their job to comfort her, and she certainly didn’t expect anyone to be able to produce the words to begin with.
And yet, when someone did speak again, it wasn’t just the attempt at soothing her that shocked her, but the very recognisable voice of Chloe saying such things. “I don’t think you’re a coward,” The blonde spoke so softly, for a minute Ladybug second guessed if it was her voice at all, “If anything I think it's a testament of how amazing you really are,” She spoke with such surety and conviction that Marinette couldn’t help but sputter out a shocked, “How?”
She didn’t have to be able to see her to know the mayor's daughter was squirming in her seat, through her superhero life she had gotten to see a kinder side to the girl on occasion, but never with so many witnesses. Weakly she almost whispered, “I.. know what it’s like to be insecure. And I’ve handled it terribly, lashing out at others, screaming at the world like it would fix it,” the blonde's speech sped up, and as she pulled at her pigtails in thought, Marinette got the sense she’d been holding this in for a while, “Every time my walls fall down and I let my insecurities show I lash out more. Like I’m pushing people away before they can register my weakness.”
As if realising she was getting off track, she cleared her throat and started again, “My point is, you handle your insecurities through growth. You still fight to do what's right, you push past your doubts for the sake of others. And maybe that mask helps give you the confidence you need, but at least your mask allows you to be kind. The barriers I put up are full of harsh defenses, I put people down to make me feel better. You help people despite your insecurities. And as someone with... A lot of self-loathing, I think that makes you even stronger than I thought before,”
The silence was deafening, and the superheroine was certain everyone else's jaw had dropped as far as hers. Chloe Bourgeois opened up in order to comfort her, Marinette Dupain Cheng, granted she didn’t know that part. Finding her words through the shock, “Thank you,” She whispered back, certain she had been heard regardless.
She was about to say more, though she was unsure what, when she found herself surrounded by familiar magical butterflies. Her whirling thoughts seemed to fly away with them, and though she knew those anxieties were still hers, they became manageable yet again. Two thuds sounded across the room, followed by Alya’s “Spots off!” and the sound of earrings being dropped back on the desk above.
Desperate to escape how intimate and exposed she was feeling after Chloe’s speech she practically shoved a cookie towards her poor kwamii before transforming, Chat Noir already having left at the beep of his ring. She quickly thanked Alya, always nervous to spend too much time around her whilst transformed despite her suits magical elements. Her best friend knew her better than anyone and had the quick-thinking skills of a professional journalist. Walking to the window, she stopped before her rival and once bully, a soft smile on her lips.
“Thanks again, Chloe. I’ll remember what you said,” She almost reached out as she spoke, unsure what was appropriate as the blonde shifted awkwardly below her, a faint blush dusting her cheeks.
Finally, their eyes met and for a second they simply stared, until Ladybug's brain shifted into gear and she lept from the window and away from the college, or at least far enough to safely loop back around.
A giddy laughter took over her as she flew above Paris, now that was a side of Chloe neither version of her had ever seen. And yet, as she thought back to the softness in her voice as she opened up… she decided that was a side she wanted to speak to again.