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Seungmin is acutely aware of how little strength he possesses as his teacher places the heavy, worn rope in his hands. His small fingers fail to wrap around it and he knows that although the game is meant to be fun, white hot panic races down his spine. The other kids behind him squeal in excitement and the other boy across from him grins as the teacher places the other half of the rope in his hands. He knows he is playing a losing game, but he can’t help the hysteria that rips its way through his chest at the thought of not being able to win.
He wants it so bad. He wants it so bad.
He feels his friend tap his shoulder and he turns back to face him. His mouth is moving but Seungmin can hear no noise, and as he struggles to make out what his friend is saying, the cross on his neck catches the light. He focuses on that instead. He nods when he thinks he should and turns back to look at the boy across from him. He realizes that looking at him felt like looking into a funhouse mirror.
He’s wire thin and relatively tall, just like him. His hair is dark and a little too long, just like his. But his necklace doesn’t hold the same charm of the cross Seungmin feels sitting uncomfortably atop his chest. The boy’s uniform shirt is unbuttoned, untucked, and stained. His socks are mismatched, loud, and rumpled. But his grin never wavers. His friends are loud and boisterous.
The whistle sounds.
Seungmin pulls on the rope for dear life.
He tugs and pulls and clutches like it’s his sole tether to earth.
A bundle of threads snap. The boy grunts and although Seungmin clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut so hard he saw stars, it wasn’t enough. The rope ripped free from his hands as he fell.
His palms are bright red and aching, the rope leaving behind an ugly burn. He cries and the boys cheer and the burn is searing and he wanted it so bad.
But it wasn’t enough.
“Okay honey, you have all your things right?”
“Yes.”
“I put your favorite sweater in the suitcase with your shorts, the blue one.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t forget to wear your retainer when you go to bed.”
“Got it.”
“And I put a small copy of the Bible in your-”
“Mom, okay . Thank you, I got it.”
His mom wraps her arms around his neck, forcing him down to her height as she hugs him.
“I’ll miss you, honey. I love you very much, don’t forget to call.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes and nods, if only to appease her. She was acting as though he was moving halfway across the world. His college was only 45 minutes away from home.
His dad clasps his shoulder and nods once. Seungmin nods back.
“Okay, Seungmin-ah, we’re leaving now. God bless you, baby.”
He hugs them goodbye and is finally welcomed by the silence of his dorm.
The metal door is cool on his back, and he rests his head against it. He observes the empty living room, barren in a way that leaves no memory of his life back home or any indication of there being some type of personality. There is a three seater couch and a loveseat colored an ugly, non-memorable navy blue with echoes of its past owners apparent by the couple stains left behind. There is a small, darkwood coffee table that is made of the same wood as the floor. Seungmin notes that this too, is ugly, but he doesn’t mind it. He glances over at the small kitchen that was separated from the living room only by the sudden change to white tile and the dining room table that indicated a change in space. The appliances were outdated and very...dormy. Somehow, this small living room and kitchen that was now his, comforted Seungmin.
He rested himself fully against the cool door, enjoying the way it cooled his body that was sweating from the heat when he heard a crash and then loud, high-pitched laughter.
He jerked himself off the door, suddenly becoming aware of the fact that he was not alone, the absence of bags in the living room tricking him into thinking he was the sole occupant for the time being. He eyed the door to his roommate’s room and became apprehensive at the thought of introducing himself. It wasn’t that Seungmin was a loner per se, he had plenty of friends back home. It was just that he hated change, and living with someone whom he had never met was the biggest change of all.
He mustered up the courage and soon found himself knocking on the door before his brain could catch up with his lengthy limbs.
When he got his roommate assignment and found out that his roommate was known as a “Seo Changbin”, he didn’t have many expectations to be honest. He wasn’t gonna lie, he did do a cursory search on Instagram and found that the Seo Changbin on his page had incredibly broad shoulders and huge biceps and wore so much black that he could be a shadow. His chin was sharp and his grin was cocky and the Seo Changbin standing before him surely was the same one from Instagram. He will say he wasn’t expecting him to be damn near 10 centimeters shorter than him. With the way the man carried himself, Seungmin thought he would be the one doing the looking up, not the looking down.
Needless to say, Changbin did not disappoint. He looked identical to his pictures online, better, even.
What?
Seungmin couldn’t dwell on where the thought came from before he realized Changbin had been speaking to him.
“Damn, and I thought I was the one with a minor concussion. Hello, mission control, you there?”
Seungmin shook his head and smiled sheepishly, “Uh, sorry. I was just spacing out. You’re Changbin, right?”
The lopsided smile found itself on the older’s face as he nodded, “Seungmin right? I was gonna introduce myself earlier, but I heard your parents out there.”
Seungmin flushed at the thought of Changbin overhearing his mother, “Yeah, I uh, thought I was alone otherwise I would’ve said ‘hi’ sooner or something.”
Changbin opened his mouth to speak when the sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted him.
Changbin jumped and turned slightly, gesturing to his bed, “Oh yeah, shit, sorry. Seungmin, this is my friend, Hwang Hyunjin.”
Seungmin looked past his fingertips at the boy sitting cross-legged on his roommate’s bed. Even though they were tucked neatly under him, Seungmin could tell his legs seemed to go on for days. He was tall, but not awkward in the way Seungmin always felt. He looked so sure of himself in the way he leaned back on his arm, delicate but strong. His hair was long, half tied up, wisps that didn’t reach framing his face, and blonde. His bottom lip was full and his eyes were crescents as he sat there, smiling. Of course, he had a mole decorating just underneath his left eye.
Handsome.
( What??? )
Hyunjin lifted his hand and waved before hopping off of Changbin’s bed and pushing past his shorter roommate to shake Seungmin’s hand. His hands were smooth and his smile was even more intimidating up close. Hyunjin giggled as he greeted him and Seungmin could now pinpoint the laughter he heard earlier to the man before him.
“I’m actually just heading out now. I’ve helped Binnie enough.”
“You actually haven’t done shit.”
“Like I said, I’ve done enough. Hope to see you around, Minnie.”
Minnie .
“Yeah,” Seungmin was frozen in place.
Hyunjin smiled before punching Changbin and running out, his stuttering laughter chasing after him.
Changbin reached forward and pressed his hand on Seungmin’s shoulder and Seungmin pulled back as though he had been burned. Changbin rubbed the back of his neck and began apologizing, “Don’t worry about Hyunjin, he just gets way too fucking comfy way too fast. Don’t be afraid to tell him off, he won’t take it to heart.” Seungmin could do nothing else but nod. He tried to get a handle on his emotions, not liking how Hyunjin had him reeling.
Minnie .
He felt the rope snaking around his wrists.
“Don’t worry about it, Changbin.”
“Also, sorry for having him over without telling you first, he just offered to help me move in. Hyune can be...a lot, so I should’ve warned you or something. Is it cool if my friends come over from time to time? They have no sense of boundaries and we hang out pretty often but if it makes you uncomfortable, we’ll be out of your way.”
Seungmin shook his head and promised the older boy that it was okay. He tossed him his best smile before excusing himself to go and unpack his room. Changbin lightened up and let him go, saying he had to do the same since Hyunjin left him with a mess. Seungmin heard his own laughter ringing in his ears, unfamiliar and wrong as he locked himself in his room. He was trembling, he couldn’t relax. It was frustrating him that he could not seem to pull himself together. He shut his eyes and breathed before he did what he did best: focused on his work so there was no room to focus on anything else. Even in the end-of-summer heat, he threw himself into unpacking, organizing all his clothes meticulously and storing away his luggage, ensuring everything was in its place and then some.
By the time he finished, he was relieved to see everything in its place. His room was small, but it was his. His bed was a small twin with a white duvet set and the window next to it housed his small cactus on its sill. He placed a simple light blue rug at the foot of his bed as well as his black chest. The chest and his tall dresser was full with his clothes that he folded (and organized by color, but he wasn’t going to admit that if anyone asked). Despite working himself until he was absolutely exhausted, he couldn’t shake the feeling he was left with earlier that afternoon.
He glanced around his room as the sun began to set and found the bible his mom stored for him (read: placed on his desk) and stared at it. The binding was crisp and the cover reeked of that new leather smell. He set it down softly on his desk and pressed his forehead to the cover that was cool despite the heat that seemed to never leave him. He sat there with his forehead pressed to the leather until he was sure the pattern was imprinted onto his brain, as though the scripture could calm him by transferring the words inside.
Eventually he stood up, ripping off his t-shirt and starfishing out onto his bed. He covered his eyes with his arm, and instantly was graced with the image of those crescent eyes, a mole just beneath the lid of one of them.
The tear rolled down his cheek before he could stop it and he forced himself to go to sleep.
----
Seungmin’s arm felt like it would snap with the way his father jostled him as he dragged him to the car. He was angry and Seungmin was terrified. He tried to piece together why his father was so angry, why he was gripping his wrist like Seungmin would disappear, he didn’t understand.
Suddenly his father spun around to face him, gripping his shoulders. There was sweat beading across his forehead and the vein there was pulsing.
“Don’t ever let me hear someone calling you that again, do you hear me? Ever again.”
“What? Minnie?”
His dad tightened his hold and shook him “ Ever again. Your name is Seungmin, not Minnie. You’re not a little girl. You are Kim Seungmin .”
Seungmin nodded his head even though it wasn’t clicking.
“And I don’t want to see you hanging out with that boy again, understand? I will not let you turn out like him.”
His head was nodding before his thoughts could catch up, he just wanted his father to let go of him.
He did.
He fixed his uniform shirt and stood up straight, opening the door for him to get in the car.
“You know who you are, right? You are Kim Seungmin.”
Seungmin nodded and his dad sighed, shutting the door. He mumbled a thank God under his breath before starting the engine and driving away from Seungmin’s middle school.
Seungmin could’t forget the look on the boy’s face. The mole that was high on his cheek disappeared as his eyes pinched with tears when Seungmin’s dad shouted at him to get away. His shaggy blonde hair covering his eyes as he began to wail.
Seungmin didn’t understand then, and frankly, he pretended like he couldn’t understand now either.
Even as his palms began to ache with the ghost of a burn.
----
He clasped his palms together and pressed his knuckles to his forehead. He ignored the aching of his knees as he kneeled, ignored the uncomfortable feeling of the fake leather of the hassock, ignored the cold air against his neck, ignored his heavy breathing.
God , he began. His mind raced with thoughts and he tried to still his heart as it hammered out of his chest. He thought of Hyunjin’s radiant face and Changbin’s sharp chin and clutched his palms tighter, feeling the skin pull taught against his knuckles.
God please bring me peace. God please bring peace to my parents.
God, I am so sorry.
He didn’t know why he was apologizing. It didn’t matter. The priest’s solemn voice rang out, loud and echoing in the church. The words sounded garbled as his brain tried to make sense of the noise. He only caught the end, his hands moving on instinct.
“In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen .”
“Amen,” he muttered, bringing his knuckle to his lips afterwards.
Seungmin’s feet carried him outside. Eventually, he rested his back against the grey, brick half-wall that surrounded the perimeter of the church. He stared up at the church, though he knew it wasn’t the same one from back home - namely due to the fact that he was now almost an hour away from said church - it still looked the same. Still had the same presence. Still made him swallow the knot in his throat as he stared at the red bricks and stained glass. He couldn’t bear to stare anymore and bowed his head to look down at his converse instead, getting lost in thought.
Even away from home, the thought of not showing up to church on Sunday haunted him. After doing it for every Sunday of his life since he could remember, it felt wrong not to. It just wasn’t the way he was raised, even if his parents weren’t there to police him about it.
“Hey, Seung!”
Seungmin raised his head to the call of his name and smiled softly.
“Hey, Minho.”
His best friend walked up next to him and sat on the floor next to his feet, “Sit.”
The boys sat side by side and Seungmin listened as Minho filled him in on what life was like for him now that he moved out of his parent’s house. Minho and he had been friends almost as long as Seungmin could remember; they had met when Seungmin was in the first grade, Minho in the third, and had been inseparable since. Seungmin deferred to Minho on everything from what he should eat for breakfast to what he should do when the girl in his math class kissed him on the cheek. It wasn’t so much that just because Minho was older he knew everything, but just that Minho was easily able to sort through his emotions without being callous. He truly was Seungmin’s rock, even when everything about his life got confusing. Even when Seungmin didn’t share everything with him, Minho was there.
To top it all off he was Catholic, went to the same Catholic middle school as him and went to the same church as him back home every Sunday. Seungmin’s parents loved him. It also made Seungmin warm to think that Minho also drove out of his way to go to the church nearest his school even though he knew there was a church closer to his friend’s apartment. Minho had said that he didn’t mind, wanting any excuse to pester Seungmin.
It had been far too long since they had met last, Seungmin thought as Minho prattled on. Minho was two years older than him and went off to college to pursue his dancing career two years before Seungmin. He moved out of his parents house and had gotten so busy with work and school that in the past year they had only seen each other twice, Minho unable to attend his move-in day, but promising to make it up to him now that Seungmin had moved out of his home and Minho was finally used to his work and school schedules.
Seungmin took in his appearance, noting that not much had changed. Minho had a fresh undercut, the black hair atop his head still long and parted naturally to the side, slightly wavy both from its natural texture and Minho constantly running his fingers through them. His cheeks were round, his pout heavy, but his eyes were upturned and kind, even when his resting face suggested otherwise. His body reflected a dancer’s dedication to their craft, his thighs strong as they strained against his slacks and his arms defined as he leaned back on them. Minho looked up at the sky as he spoke and his straight teeth caught a ray of sunlight when he smiled. Seungmin’s heart felt warm at finally being back in the comforting orbit of his best friend.
“Tell me about your roommate. Changbin right?”
At that Seungmin scoffed before picking at the fraying edges of his tie.
Changbin .
“What? He a dick or something?”
“No, the opposite actually. He’s just...interesting.”
Changbin was interesting in the sense that Seungmin had never really interacted with someone like him. If Seungmin was being honest with himself, he didn’t think he and Changbin would interact much. He honestly didn’t think they would get along at all. Everything about Changbin just screamed “confident manly man” and everything about Seungmin didn’t. But Changbin of course found a way to exceed his expectations and he told Minho as such.
It started the day after he moved in. While Seungmin was looking through the fridge to find something to eat, Changbin had come out of his room in black sweats and a matching muscle tee, the brim of his hat low enough to shield his eyes. He threw a duffle bag on the worn couch as he went back into his room to grab something else and Seungmin just stared after him.
“Where you going?”
“Gym,” Changbin replied as he rummaged through his bag. He took off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair before tossing him a small smile, “Wanna come?”
Seungmin froze where he stood, watching how his roommate’s face stayed open and honest as he waited for the younger to respond. “Gym” and “Seungmin'' were two words that didn’t belong in the same sentence, and even though it didn’t look like it, Seugmin couldn’t help but feel like Changbin was taking the piss out of him by inviting him. If Seungmin’s clearly lanky and obviously not toned legs were anything to go by.
Still Changbin stood, probably running even more late as he waited for Seungmin’s response. The younger chalked it up to Changbin just being kind, like common courtesy and all that. He flushed as he shook his head, “I was actually about to eat, I’ll have to pass.” Changbin nodded as he pulled his strap up his shoulder and began to walk to the door.
“Uh, thanks,” he said a little too loudly. He cleared his throat and tried again, “Thanks for um, inviting me though. I’ll save you some food.”
Changbin grinned as he slipped on his shoes, “Thanks to you too. Be back in like two hours.”
Seungmin hadn’t thought much of it, again, thinking his roommate was just being kind.
But then everyday like clockwork for the past two weeks, Changbin would toss his bag out into the living room and ask Seungmin if he wanted to join him before he left, that he would stay behind while he got ready if he wanted him to. He even went as far as to pop his head into the younger’s room on the days he wasn’t out in the living room right before he left.
Seungmin said no every time and Changbin would still ask everyday.
No one had ever done that with him, always taking his first “no” as the final “no” and never asking again. Seungmin shook it off, telling himself it wasn’t that deep. Yet with every day that Changbin asked, the thought would run laps in his mind again.
It didn’t stop there though. Where Seungmin was all hushed tones and quiet, Changbin was so loud and unafraid.
What scared Seungmin the most was how much he found himself not minding it.
As a sophomore music composition major, there were nights Changbin was locked in his room producing various tracks and staying up late to finish them. Sometimes the songs would replay and Seungmin would be stuck behind his wall hearing the same 5 second clip playing over and over until Changbin somehow made it more perfect than before.
Where Seungmin’s life back home was always “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Philippians 2:3)”, he found that living with Changbin was more “Fuck, I just remembered you were definitely studying for a quiz while I was working on that track last night. If I was too loud just let me know yeah? I’m a piece of shit when it comes to knowing how loud I’m being haha.”
He thought it would be annoying, not having someone accommodate him the way he always did with others, but he mostly found it refreshing.
It scared him a lot.
He didn’t tell Minho that. Or anything about how Changbin made him feel.
If Seungmin was beginning to realize that he kind of sort of liked the things about Changbin that didn’t remind him of home then that was his business, thank you very much.
Minho laughed as Seungmin explained this to him.
“He sounds persistent.”
Seungmin stares at the loose threads of his tie until they go out of focus.
He imagines it wrapping tightly around his finger until the tip is purple.
“Yeah.”
Seungmin is sitting at their dining room table, the uncomfortably hard edges of the wooden chair digging into his ass the next time Changbin asks.
His fingers are gripping roughly at his scalp, threatening to snap the thick strands of hair clutched between his fingers as he continues to read. His glasses began to slide down his face as he stared at the diagram detailing glycolysis until it began to blur. He was surely seconds away from screaming when Changbin emerged from his room, tossing his bag onto the couch. He barely opened his mouth before Seungmin abruptly stood, the chair grating against the floor roughly.
“Yes!”
Changbin’s arm froze, fingers halfway through his hair. Seungmin’s palms were pressed flat against the table, his pen bending slightly under the weight of his hand. The silence felt deafening and suddenly he felt like maybe he was overstepping.
“Someone’s eager to go to the library.”
Seugnmin’s heart stuttered before subsequently beginning to race. He was so dumb to think Changbin would be willing to waste his breath on him everyday. He began to backpedal.
“Oh, I just. I thought you were going to the gym, I mean you put your bag on the couch like you do everyday and you usually go around this time...Though I do guess it could just be full of books and--”
Changbin’s childlike, high-pitched laughter was all Seungmin could hear and he couldn’t stop the squeezing in his chest before his roommate began to speak.
“Relax, Seungmin,” his lopsided smirk sat on his mouth as Seungmin chanced a look at him.
“I am going to the gym. And I’m surprised you’re actually willing to come.”
Seungmin released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.
“If I have to look at another molecule, I think my brain will start leaking out of my ears.”
Changbin grimaced, “Gross, bro. Go get dressed. I’ll wait.”
Seungmin watched as Changbin pulled his phone out from his pocket and perched himself on the armrest of their couch, hugging his bag to his chest as he sat -- presumably to wait, as he suggested.
He noticed Seungmin staring and winked, “Unless you prefer to go to the gym in PJs, Princess. I don’t judge.”
It felt like Seungmin could not seem to retreat into his room fast enough when he felt the blush rising up his neck.
It wasn’t until he had his back pressed against the hard wood of his bedroom door that he realized he had no idea what people wore to the gym. He was so eager to not think about his upcoming exam that he hadn’t even begun to think about what he had done.
Seungmin was going to the gym . To work out .
Fuck.
He began rummaging like a mad man through his clothes, beginning to sweat when nothing felt like something he should be wearing. Truly, it shouldn’t be that difficult, it wasn’t nearly as serious as he was making it out to be. It was just clothes . Seungmin rested his hands on the edge of his open drawer, taking a quick breath before finally settling on some worn grey sweats and an old white t-shirt. He quickly slipped on a nondescript, black pullover and snatched his beanie off the edge of his desk chair in addition to his airpods.
Then it struck him, right as he rested his palm against his doorknob that he was going to the gym with Changbin .
Changbin, who he was sure had enough strength in his left pinky to fling Seungmin across the room.
Fuck .
Before his thoughts could spiral further he yanked open his door, revealing a waiting Changbin, his eyes instantly darting up to meet Seungmin’s and his signature lop-sided smile right there on his face. He fixed his hat before standing.
“Let’s go.”
Seungmin was struggling from the moment he stepped foot in the cool weight-room. The stress must have been written there right on his face as he began looking at the various machines because Changbin kindly suggested that they run on the treadmill for a little while to warm up.
After that though, it was all downhill.
Seungmin felt his eyes bugging out of his head as he watched Changbin pick up some heavy dumbbells to begin working out his biceps. Changbin encouraged him to grab a pair and follow his lead. So Seungmin did, except instead of going for the 20 kg one Changbin was mindlessly lifting as he scrolled through his phone, he walked over to the less menacing 7 kg set. Next to Changbin, Seungmin felt like a child but then Changbin caught his eye in the mirror in front of them and smiled at him before beginning to explain the proper technique for Seungmin to lift them. A warm feeling settled on Seungmin’s face at the gesture.
But then they moved on from dumbbells to some torture machine that Changbin swore was supposed to work out his chest and then Seungmin suddenly remembered why he never went to the gym in the first place. Seungmin watched as Changbin effortlessly did set after set and when Seungmin took his place on the machine after him, he was sure it would be fine. Until Seungmin could barely finish set number two. He was red in the face and struggling so hard the muscles in his chest felt like they would rip apart. Changbin patiently spotted him, helping him make it through the set and promising he didn’t have to do two more like Changbin did. It discouraged Seungmin and so he pushed himself.
Bad.
Changbin kindly suggested after Seungmin almost pulled a muscle on the last set that they just do calisthenics for the remainder of their time there. Seungmin apologized for holding Changbin back to which he just replied “You’re not holding me back. I don’t wanna have to sit and wait for the next machine.” Seungmin could tell he was lying, but the smile he wore was so genuine that it didn’t even bother him.
They did ab workouts for what felt like hours before Changbin finally, finally suggested they leave.
Seungmin had no idea how the hell people did this shit for fun, much less to release stress. His body felt like it was made entirely of noodles and even his lungs felt sore from heaving breath after breath. He wanted to feel embarrassed next to Changbin, who only after an hour had the audacity to begin looking tired, he really did! But he was just so tired and his body just hurt so much that he couldn’t muster up the will to be embarrassed. He was just exhausted and so grateful that after an hour and a half of torture, Changbin suggested they start the trek back to their on-campus apartment.
The older could not stop laughing when they walked through their front door. Seungmin wanted it to get on his nerves but he was too tired to feel anything but sore.
“Honestly, Seungmin, just take an Advil, it'll be fine.”
“I don’t think Advil will stop my tendons from hurting.”
“Aren’t you a bio major? I’m sure tendons can’t even hurt.”
“Well say that to my tendons then.”
Changbin proceeded to laugh as Seungmin tossed himself onto the couch, sucking in a breath when the sudden movement did nothing for the soreness in his muscles. His roommate leaned against the fridge drinking water before shaking his head, “I gotta say though, Seungmin, you did a good job. For someone who’s never lifted anything heavier than a textbook in his life, you pushed through that shit like a champ.”
Seungmin glowered at him, “I carried my suitcase up the stairs moving here.”
Changbin smiled before leaning forward on the back of the couch to look down at him, “Whatever, I’m just tryna say you did a good job. Proud of you.” Seungmin flushed as he rolled his eyes. Changbin reached forward to shove his shoulder before rising again and walking over to their kitchen.
“How about you go shower first and I’ll make us some food.”
“You can cook?”
“I can make some bomb ass ramen.”
“Like from the packet? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of working out?”
“Yes from the packet but it has like, meat and eggs and veggies and shit. Stop looking at me like that just go shower, you fucking smell. You’ll thank me after you eat.”
Seungmin again rolled his eyes before smiling and heeding his roommate’s advice.
Eventually Seungmin emerged from the bathroom with a fluffy, white, towel hanging over his head, a huge black sweater, and grey sweats. He felt infinitely better after his shower, and yes, after taking the Advil Changbin had suggested he take. He thought he would be too tired to eat, but the savory scent of ramen attacked his nostrils when he entered their living room and his mouth involuntarily watered.
“Holy shit it smells so good.”
Changbin grinned when he turned around, handing Seungmin a bowl. The ramen looked delicious, slices of pork decorated with green onions, an egg floating in the red broth that smelled spicy and positively delicious. Seungmin could not wait to eat. Changbin handed him some chopsticks and grabbed his own bowl to the couch, patting the seat next to him for Seungmin to join. His parents would have an aneurysm if they knew he was eating on the couch, much less soup. It brought a smile to his face as he plopped down next to Changbin, dropping two icy water bottles on the coffee table in front of them.
Soon the boys were watching some terrible reality TV and devouring their food. Seungmin couldn’t help the warm feeling that settled in his chest as he laughed with Changbin, the older seeming to have an endless supply of quips that made Seungmin break out in a fit of giggles. It was nice, Seungmin realized, to be eating ramen on a couch feeling pleasantly sore and just the right amount of tired after the gym. Much to his disdain, he found that he actually understood why Changbin went to the gym - maybe it was the post gym activities talking for him, but he found that he wouldn’t mind joining Changbin again.
Eventually Seungmin found himself half laying on the couch, his legs on Changbin’s lap (“C’mon Seungmin, let me massage your calves.” Seungmin blushed, “It’s fine they don’t even hurt that much.” “It’ll feel better and you won’t feel as sore tomorrow! Let me just show you so you can do it next time.”) and the latter mindlessly massaging the muscle with one hand, his phone in the other. Seungmin was about to thank Changbin when suddenly someone began knocking on their front door. The sudden noise made Seungmin jump, tucking his knees to his chest as he glanced at the door, before looking back at Changbin.
Changbin stood up, grabbing both of their plates before he nodded at the door.
“It’s for me, it’s Hyunjin. Is that cool?”
Seungmin’s heart stuttered a bit before he sat up straight, shaking his head, “N-no no, it’s cool. That’s fine.”
“I know y’all got off on the wrong foot the first time , I’m sorry, I probably sh-”
“Changbin! It’s cool. He’s your friend. I like him, he just caught me off guard when we first met. No big deal.”
Changbin smiled sheepishly before opening the door. There Hyunjin was, in all his glory. His hair was down, tucked behind his ears and wearing a similar get-up to Seungmin. He still looked incredible, as if anyone with a face like his could look anything but good. He smiled when he saw Seungmin, waving a little before stepping out of his shoes as he came inside.
“Hey, Seungmin. Sorry for making you uncomfortable when we first met. My bad. Changbin tells me I’m way too friendly sometimes, need to tone it down.”
Seungmin was shocked that Changbin had noticed Seungmin’s reaction when he had first met Hyunjin, certain that although internally he was reeling, his external reactions were controlled. It was nice to know he was observant though Seungmin still chastised himself for not holding it together. He gave Hyunjin a small smile, waving his hand.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s cool.” At that, Hyunjin’s countenance lit up, his eyes forming those signature crescents.
“So, friends?”
“Friends,” Seungmin agreed, trying and failing to hold back his smile. Everything about Hyunjin just rubbed off on those around him, even though Seungmin still felt a little off balance around the boy, he couldn’t help but let his good mood affect him as well. Seungmin stood, awkwardly playing with the cuff of his hoodie before he gestured in the general direction of his room.
“I’ll leave you guys to it then.”
“Ah, Seungmin, you don’t have to go,” Changbin said, his eyebrows knitting together. Seungmin waved them off.
“I don’t wanna interrupt,”
“You’re not!” Hyunjin piped up from behind his roommate, “Binnie’s just making me a track for my dance project. I need something...emotional and I can’t find anything so he offered to make it for me.”
Something about Changbin making music, especially in his room, seemed oddly intimate to Seungmin. He knew nothing of Hyunjin’s dance career, but from behind his wall Changbin’s music process seemed personal. It felt like he would be intruding.
So of course he latched onto school and used it like the best excuse he knew.
“Ah, I have to study for my bio quiz anyway. I blew off a couple hours of studying so I need to get back to that. I can’t wait to hear the song though! Hope it turns out good for your dance,” Seungmin said, already inching towards his room.
The pout that graced Hyunjin’s face made Seungmin want to move mountains. There was no way someone’s face could contort like that, no way someone could jut their lip out like a dog and still look like a doll. “Boo, well when we finish it up and I get to recording it, I’ll show you!”
Seungmin nodded quickly, struggling to make his face do something that didn’t look like panic. He eventually said goodnight to his roommate and Hyunjin, rushing into his room and locking the door behind him. He sank to the floor, dropping his head between his knees. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on the gentle noises of the fan he kept on and his breathing.
All he could see was that stupid pout and those crescent eyes. He banged his head back against the door, the rope wrapping around his wrists, threatening to bind him there. He banged it back one more time before angrily pulling his sheets back, his books forgotten as he jumped into bed.
“I’ll show you!”
Hyunjin’s kindness and bubbly personality made Seungmin feel slightly off balance. Everything about him felt like something dangerous and he didn’t like that. When Changbin’s music could be heard through his wall, this time it wasn’t comforting to Seungmin. Not when Hyunjin’s incredulous voice quickly followed.
Sengmin covered his head with his pillow, struggling to sleep even hours after the music began. He struggled to succumb to sleep even when absolute silence could be heard behind the wall.
He couldn’t sleep. Not when Hyunjin was right there on the other side of his wall.
It went without saying that Seungmin was not in a good mood when he woke up. His brain’s inability to shut the fuck up and turn off had him tossing and turning the entire night - long tan legs and beaming smile the only thing he could see behind his eyelids. He woke up pissy and sensitive, much earlier than Changbin and much much earlier than he needed to be for class.
So when he’s sitting there, struggling to keep his head from falling into his bowl of cereal, he gave up on restraining his thoughts when Hyunjin walks out of Changbin’s room looking positively precious in the morning light.
The boy’s face was swollen with sleep and his hair was tousled in the most aesthetically pleasing way. He smiled sleepily at Seungmin, walking over to the bathroom, he assumed to brush his teeth. Seungmin’s heart raced as he set up a bowl next to his, opening box after box of cereal while praying that not all of them were as stale as his cheerios.
Eventually Hyunjin emerged from the bathroom, rubbing at his eyes in a way that looked oddly childish and very like him, what little of him Seungmin knew.
“Want some cereal? I grabbed a bowl for you.”
Hyunjin looked up and seemed to trip over his feet to make it over to the table where the bowl and boxes waited. He instantly grabbed the Fruity Pebbles, pouring so much, Seungmin wasn’t sure if there was going to be enough room left for the milk. He tried to hold back his laugh as he put the rest of the boxes and the milk away when Hyunjin finished serving himself. The younger placed a water bottle in front of him, scratching his head and turning away shyly when Hyunjin turned his 1000 watt smile onto him in thanks.
“I’ve been wanting Fruity Pebbles for so long, you don’t even know. Thanks,” Hyunjin said after draining his water bottle. Seungmin placed another one in front of him as he shrugged his shoulders.
“No problem,” Seungmin removed the lid and the plastic off the bottle before tossing it in the recycling. He nodded his head in the direction of his roommate’s door when he asked, “So how’d the track go?”
Hyunjin flushed a pretty shade of pink as he suddenly zeroed his focus in on his hair tie, pulling at the knots wrapped around the black band.
“Went uh,” he cleared his throat and nodded his head slowly, “went well! I was surprised we managed to finish it. We got pretty distracted there for a sec.”
“Seems like Changbin though. He gets pretty determined once he starts working on something.”
Hyunjin flushed deeper, confusing Seungmin further.
“Yup, exactly like Changbin.”
Hyunjin’s eyes suddenly turned into saucers, scrambling for something in his sweater and emerging with his phone.
“You good?” Seungmin asked, slowly getting up.
“Shit, shit, I’m so fuckin’ LATE,” Hyunjin grabbed his bowl and tossed it in the sink, attempting to wash it before Seungmin just rolled his eyes and pushed him away.
Hyunjin smiled, pressing his hands together and releasing a quick stream of ‘thank you”s. He turned and slammed open his roommate's door, shouting much too loudly for 8 AM.
“Changbin get UP, I need my SHIT!”
Changbin’s raspy voice could be heard somewhere in the mess of Hyunjin’s noise and shuffling. The latter eventually emerged, saluting Seungmin and running out of the door, nearly forgetting his sneakers in the process. Seungmin couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. He realized it was easier being around Hyunjin when he didn’t try to hold his brain back.
A small part of him wasn’t sure he liked that. A larger part of him couldn’t be bothered to care.
That larger part of him washed Hyunjin’s dishes and began to set up a bowl for Changbin when his roommate emerged from his room and his thoughts came to a screeching halt.
Changbin said good morning to him, asking him to leave out the Cheerios on his way to the bathroom. Seungmin robotically nodded but could barely move from his spot, his heart was racing a mile a minute.
Because what the fuck, there was a purple, red mark smack on Changbin’s neck. Several of them, actually. But there was no way, not at all.
Except there was a way, because when Changbin returned from the bathroom, sat down, still half asleep as he ate his cereal - there they were, clear as day. Four dark hickies decorating the right side of his neck. He knew, logically, that what Changbin did in his spare time was none of his business - he didn’t want to make it his business. But he couldn’t help it.
It just didn’t make any sense . It didn’t make any sense that someone sucked those marks on his neck because they weren’t there yesterday when they went to the gym, when they ate ramen. They weren’t there last night when Seungmin went to bed.
It didn’t make any sense because it was just him and Hyunjin in his room and there was no way, no way . It just didn’t make any fucking sense .
“Seungmin! I asked if you wanted me to make dinner tonight.”
“You have hickies on your neck.”
Changbin’s eyes went wide, his hand involuntarily sliding up his neck. Seungmin wanted the Earth to swallow him whole.
“Oh, uh...yeah-”
“How’d you get them?”
A noise Seungmin had never heard came out of Changbin’s mouth, his face contorting in an embarrassed way that didn’t look right.
“How do you typically get hickies? Someone gives them to you, dummy.”
“No shit.”
“Yeah, no shit, so why are you asking me something you already know?”
Why are you asking, Seungmin? He didn’t know. But it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t right.
His eyes zeroed in on the marks, his brain filling in the gaps with the memory of Hyunjin’s flushed cheeks just half an hour earlier. He wished the puzzle was left with missing pieces. He didn’t know what to do with the image he put together.
“Are you…?”
The question hung uncomfortably in the air, heavy and wrong coming out of Seungmin’s mouth. Changbin leaned back in his chair, spreading his legs and crossing his arms in a way that made Seungmin want to shrink into himself.
“Am I???”
Seungmin made some vague gesture with his hands. He couldn’t say it.
“Fucking Hyunjin?”
Seungmin felt like he would pass out, he didn’t like the series of images his brain conjured up. Hyunjin’s mouth parted, Hyunjin’s hair fanning out on Changbin’s dark sheets, Hyunjin laying beneath Changbin-
It was wrong .
“No no no that’s not what I-”
“Good because I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Wait so you two ki-”
“What did I just say?”
The conversation was getting nowhere and he didn’t like how Changbin’s tone was turning sour. He thought of the ramen. Of Changbin’s fingers kneading his calves. He shook his head.
“Are you gay?”
Changbin rolled his eyes, grabbing his bowl and tossing it in the sink. Seungmin didn’t need to turn to know he wasn’t washing it anymore when the water ran for much longer than necessary.
“Yeah.” No .
Seungmin turned around and looked at his roommate. At his square, confident shoulders. His cocked brow. His sharp chin. It didn’t make sense.
“But…”
“But?”
“You’re…”
“I’m?”
“I’m Catholic.”
Changbin uncrossed his arms and rested them on the edge of the counter instead. It made him look bigger. It made Seungmin confused.
“And? Is that going to be a problem?”
“No.”
“Okay, nice to meet you, Catholic. I’m gonna shower now. You should get to class. It’s already 9.”
“Shit!”
Seungmin stood suddenly, shoving the chair into the table. He turned back to face Changbin before he disappeared in his room.
“Are you...are you mad?” Changbin looked at him like he had four heads.
“No? Why would I be?”
Why aren’t you?
“I dunno…”
Changbin laughed and waved him away, “No Seungmin, I’m not mad at you, but I will be mad if you’re late to class and give me some bullshit excuse about how you’re behind on work and can’t go to the gym with me tonight.”
Seungmin’s heart stuttered and he nodded his head.
The gym. Tonight. Changbin goes to the gym everyday.
Nothing made sense. The rope was clutching at his legs and he struggled against them.
“See you later, Changbin.”
“Mmmmhm, see ya, Seungmin.”
Nothing was right.
Seungmin tried not to let it bother him. He tried really, because ultimately it wasn’t his business, right? It shouldn’t bother him that Changbin kisses boys or makes out with them or lets them give him hickies or whatever. It shouldn’t matter because it wasn’t his business . So what if he was...gay.
It had nothing to do with Seungmin, it didn’t matter .
Even if it was wrong.
Even if Hyunjin continued to visit their apartment and escape to Changbin’s room only to leave the next morning. Even when the visits stopped, Hyunjin would still cuddle up to Changbin on the couch. Even if Seungmin continued to go to the gym with Changbin, struggling to understand how someone like him - who lifted weights bigger than his head - could like boys. Seungmin told himself it did not matter.
Until Seungmin realized it was all he could fucking think about and it was driving him up the wall. So when he returned from the gym that night with Changbin, he let his roommate shower first so he could retreat into his room, lock the door, and call Minho.
“Seung! I was starting to think you didn’t love me anymore. You stopped hanging with me after church-”
“Changbin’s gay.”
“Ooookay? Hello to you too? I said you stopped hanging out with me after church.”
“Minho, did you hear me?”
Seungmin could hear Minho rolling his eyes, even if he couldn’t see him.
“Yes, Seungmin, Changbin’s gay. Great. Is that all you called me for? I thought you actually wanted to know how I was doing.”
“I’m sorry. I… I should’ve called sooner.”
There was no real bite in Minho’s tone, but it still had Seungmin sinking down to the edge of his bed, because why the hell was he the only one who could see the problem? He heard his best friend’s staticky sigh over the line.
“Seungmin, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
The concern over the phone had Seungmin swallowing a knot in his throat he didn’t want to be there. Why was he even getting so upset over something that had nothing to do with him? What Changbin did and who he kissed had nothing to do with Seungmin in the slightest, so why could he not get past it? Why did the thought of him kissing Hyunjin make him crazy? Why couldn’t he get the image of Hyunjin spread out on Changbin’s bed out of his head? Nothing made sense and nothing felt right and Seungmin wanted nothing more than to have his best friend right there, his calming warmth enveloping him in a tight hug.
“Seungmin, you don’t need to cry, you know you can tell me anything. What’s going on?”
He took a shaky breath, wiping the tears he hadn’t even realized were there before being a little more honest with Minho than he had been since he moved to college. Told Minho about how he found out that Changbin and Hyunjin had done things and that he couldn’t shake the thought of it because that wasn’t like Changbin. That he couldn’t reconcile the image of the Changbin who went to the gym and made ramen and wore all black with the Changbin who he’d imagined would let Hyunjin sit on him as he sucked dark marks onto his neck.
“And still through all that, like, when I asked him he wasn’t even mad? ”
“Mad? Why would he be mad?”
“I don’t know, Min. When we had that conversation in the kitchen, he just seemed so pissed and he just...y’know he just, ‘if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also’, asked me if I was going to go to the gym with him later,” at that Seungmin scoffed, “When did I start relating the word of God to the word of Seo Changbin, it’s making me kinda dizzy.”
“I don’t know, he honestly could be God. I’m seeing a lot of similarities in my humble opinion.”
“Minho, what the hell, don’t say that.”
It was Minho’s turn to scoff.
“I’m just saying, Seungmin, isn’t that something the priest always says? That God can be found within those you love? God can exist in him, I don’t know why you’re trying to fight it just because he curses and makes out with Hyunjin and has his ears pierced.”
Seungmin could only stay shut as his best friend’s words washed over him. He wasn’t wrong but… Seungmin didn’t like the way his words made him feel, even if he wasn’t snapping at him.
“Min, I-”
“Do you not want to be friends with him anymore?”
“No it’s not that it’s just-”
“Is he different now?”
“ Yes. ”
“Why?” he laughed a little and Seungmin could hear the smile as he spoke, “Would you feel any differently if I told you I had a boyfriend in highschool?”
Seungmin’s heart stuttered, “But you didn’t-”
“But I did, Seung. You just never knew.”
“But...how are you okay with that?”
There was nothing Seungmin could say. Nothing he could say because it felt like he was underwater, felt the weight of a thousand pounds on his head.
“How am I okay with God hating me?” Minho sighed, “That’s the thing, Seung, I don’t think He does. Yes, I’ve had boyfriends and I’ve kissed my fair share of boys, but I don’t think God hates me over who I choose to swap spit with, I’d like to think He has bigger things to worry about. I’ve made my peace with that, so don’t you worry about my soul and how God might feel about me because I think my God is happy with how He created me.”
Seungmin held his breath as his friend spoke.
“Seungmin, we’ve been friends for as long as I can remember, and nothing about that will ever change. It never did, even when you didn’t know I had a boyfriend. So what does knowing that change now? I’m still your best friend. I’ll still have your back when you need me. I’ll still swim an ocean for you. And I know at least twenty minutes ago, you felt the same. Think about that, Seung.”
“I...I will.”
“Love you, Seung.”
“Me too.”
Seungmin was drowning.
----
“What does faith mean to you? What is the word of God?”
Believing.
Feeling it when you can’t see it.
Freedom, Seungmin said, Faith is freedom right? That’s what my mommy told me.
---
“What does faith mean to you? What is the word of God?”
“I had a boyfriend in highschool”
“Are you gay?” “Yes.”
Freedom , Seungmin had thought.
Freedom , he thinks as he curls into his duvet. He swallows the knot. He breathes in the water.
Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it.
---
“Oh hey, Seungmin! You’re here just in time. We’re about to play Hyunjin’s video, it just got edited today. Wanna watch with us?”
Seungmin barely took off his shoes when Changbin turned on the couch and began talking to him. He took out one of his airpods, seeing Hyunjin connect his laptop to their crappy TV and another boy Seungmin didn’t know, helping him.
“Uh, yeah sure. Let me just change out of my clothes.”
Soon Seungmin was seated on the couch, Hyunjin sitting in between his legs on the floor (Seungmin looked everywhere but at the back of the blonde’s head), with Changbin to his right and the boy he now knew as Jeongin, to his left. Jeongin was kind, very quiet and shy. His jaw was square and made him look oddly grown in comparison to his boyish face. He had deep dimples and a shy smile with a straight row of teeth underneath. He found that he was Seungmin’s age, only a couple months younger. He had been a part of Changbin’s friend group before he got into college because Hyunjin and he went to the same high school. Seungmin liked Jeongin, even though he didn’t speak much, he still held his own and had an aura about him that made Seungmin want to protect him.
The video started up and everyone directed their attention to the screen.
Seungmin didn’t know what to think when Hyunjin told him that he was a dancer, only that it made sense. His body was a lot like Minho’s despite the difference in their size. Looking at Hyunjin, he expected the song to be upbeat. Emotional in a positive way. The Hyunjin on the screen looked so much different, looked like a different person. He had all of Seungmin’s attention.
The video began with Hyunjin standing in a white button up with white pants, bare feet, staring down in a barren, dimly lit room. The music was solemn and haunting. Hyunjin began to move, every motion sharp and big and demanding to be seen. He moved across the floor like he was born to be there, conveying so much sadness and loss with his body.
He looked unreal.
He watched, as Hyunjin stuttered gracefully to the floor. Laying on his back before he wrapped his arms around himself.
He raised his hips into the air.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Seungmin felt like he couldn’t breathe as he clutched the edge of his sweater to the top of the cushion he sat on.
The rest of the video passed by in a blur. Passes of Hyunjin’s face, his plush bottom lip glistening as the camera centered in on his face.
Beautiful.
Seungmin felt like he was hanging on for dear life, hoping he looked normal to his friends when inside he was wound so tight, he felt like he would snap. At the end, Hyunjin walked away from the camera. The screen faded to black and the word “empty.” took his place instead.
Empty.
How appropriate. The boys around him exploded into a fit of praise, telling Hyunjin he did so well. Seungmin felt his mouth moving, squeezing Hyunjin’s shoulder and telling him he did well. Hyunjin actually preened at his words.
Seungmin felt lightheaded.
Somehow he managed to excuse himself, saying he had to study for an exam he knows he took last week. When did he become such a liar?
As soon as he was in his room, he locked his door - ripping his sweater off and pacing. He was sweating bullets, right through his shirt and his heart was racing. He felt like he couldn’t cool down and he knew the pacing wouldn’t help. He forced himself to stop, mechanically getting in bed and spreading himself out to try and let his body breathe.
It was getting worse now, because he didn’t need to close his eyes anymore to imagine those crescent eyes, that mole, the radiant smile.
His narrow hips thrusting up into the air.
Seungmin sucked in a sharp breath when his hands made contact with his lower abdomen.
No no no.
He closed his eyes, pressing down on his abdomen so hard, he knew there would be bruises.
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
I know exactly what I’m doing, Seungmin thought, as he dipped his hands below the waistband of his briefs.
He gripped himself tight, muffling his breaths with his other hand.
He was hard. Painfully so.
He thought of Hyunjin. Of him sitting on Seungmin’s lap. Of him sucking bruises into Seungmin’s neck.
Seungmin arched off his mattress as he began to stroke himself, the glide nowhere near smooth but that wasn’t what he needed. It wasn’t what he deserved.
“Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin.”
But, God, he thinks, how can you declare my path righteous when I take your gift of grace and stomp on it?
The fluid dripping from him made his hand less rough. It brought tears to his eyes. Sinning shouldn’t be this easy. It shouldn’t feel right. The rope squeezed his wrist, begging him to stop.
But then he thinks of Hyunjin on that floor.
“And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on his name.”
“Hyunjin,” Seungmin whispers against his palm. Squeezes his eyes shut.
He thinks of Hyunjin’s back pressed against the cool linoleum as he wraps his arms around himself.
He raises his hips, thrusting into his hand.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
A strangled sound rips its way through Seungmin’s mouth as he releases all over his hand. His sweats are dirty, his hand is burning with his shame.
Tears stream down his face as he struggles to come down from his high.
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
But I know exactly what I’m doing.
Seungmin is drowning in his work, feeling the weight of midterms crushing him. He’s usually good at managing his time, prides himself on being able to micromanage every hour of his day. But lately he just felt lost, constantly behind and always having another assignment due seconds after he turned in the last. He needed a break. Actually, he wanted a break. Did he deserve one? Probably not. But Seungmin was good at doing things he expressly told himself he shouldn’t.
And so, he tamped down the part of him that said he should study and listened to the part of him that answered Changbin’s text when he said he was inviting his entire friend group over for drinks. He ignores the part of him that says he doesn't drink and listens to the part of him that helps Changbin fill the fridge with beer and bottles of flavored soju.
Seungmin calls Minho, apologizes for neglecting him and tells him to come over for drinks. Minho laughs as he says he would be there as soon as he got out of the studio.
“Since when were you a drinker?”
“Since I’m up to my neck in work.”
Changbin orders extremely greasy pizza and his friends bring more beer that he stocks into the fridge. Seungmin finds that Changbin’s friends are interesting. Interesting in that way that reminds him nothing of home.
He’s introduced to Felix, who loves hugging everyone, and wears fishnet stockings Seungmin’s mother hates under his ripped jeans and has his hair cut into a blonde mullet. Then to Chan, who is like a carbon copy of Changbin except he sleeps even less, and stares at Felix like a kicked puppy but accepts his cuddles anyway. Hyunjin introduces Seungmin to Jisung, who was wearing a baby blue dress and loved to talk to everyone. Seungmin doesn’t know what to make of the dress, but Hyunjin pushes Jisung into the kitchen to one shot a bottle of Soju before he can even begin to tackle that beast. Seungmin greets Jeongin, who’s wearing a cropped shirt and baggy jeans, sipping a beer quietly next to the speaker.
Minho eventually gets there and Seungmin feels like he can breathe. Minho blends into Changbin’s group of friends much more seamlessly than he thought, namely because he finds out that Jisung was the mysterious boyfriend Minho had in highschool. The stark difference between them has Seungmin reeling.
Changbin’s friends are all so different, so loud and so unafraid. Just like him even though they’re nothing like him. Looking at Minho now, amongst Changbin’s friends knowing that he’s kissed a boy, had a boyfriend, probably kissed a number of boys that Seungmin can’t comprehend - he looks like he belongs here and yet he looks exactly like Seungmin’s bestest friend.
Freedom, Seungmin thinks as he looks at Changbin’s friends that he likes too much.
Seungmin doesn’t like the taste of metal in his mouth. He doesn’t like that feeling of being sober. He chases it all away in the bottle of soju he drinks with Hyunjin.
Freedom, Seungmin thinks, God gives us freedom.
He laughs in unison with Minho when his best friend is dared to give Chan a lap dance, Chan looking scared out of his mind as Felix shouts in his ear to grab Minho’s hips. Jeongin quietly hands Seungmin a cup of beer with a shot glass dunked inside it, they clink cups and toss it back. It tastes a bit like piss with the burn of a peach dipped in rubbing alcohol. Seungmin asks for another.
Freedom to live and make the choices we want. Freedom to surround ourselves with who we want. Freedom to pick our family when the one He gave us just wasn’t enough.
He remembers the answer he gave to the priest when he turned eleven as clear as day. He was so angry at his father for pulling him away from that boy who called him Minnie . That boy who gave him his first taste of sin. He doesn’t like remembering that, he thinks, as he sees Changbin roll his eyes when Hyunjin dances in front of him. Hyunjin tosses his head back, laughing loudly when Changbin pushes him away.
Seungmin looks at his best friend who he adores more than he can put into words amongst his new friends who do not fit God’s image. He watches those sinful souls collect their things to go and he feels like crying.
He’s much too sober.
He tells Changbin as such when they’re alone.
“Woah woah, Minho told me the most you’ve drank is the wine at the altar. Slow it down and trust me, you’ll feel it.”
Seungmin wanted to complain, but as he drained the water bottle Changbin gave him, he realized just how much the room was not being a room and staying stable. Changbin laughed when Seungmin told him as such.
They eventually settled into a nice silence, Changbin’s cheeks flushed a pretty pink and his hair sitting messily atop his head from constantly running his fingers through it.
“Hey,” Seungmin muttered, pushing his toe against Changbin’s calf.
The latter smiled at him, nodding his head as he sipped his beer, “Hey.”
“I’m not trying to pry, I swear-”
“So don’t.”
Seungmin huffed and Changbin smirked as he bit back his laughter.
“Before you pry, I wanna pry first.”
Seungmin looked at him wearily.
“Can I?”
The younger nodded his head.
“Why’d it make you so upset when Hyunjin called you ‘Minnie’?”
Seungmin brought his knees to his chest, hugging them there as if to keep the parts of him he didn’t like inside. He gnawed on his lip as he thought of a way to answer him.
“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-”
“My dad hates people like your friends. Hates people like Hyunjin.”
He didn’t want to look at Changbin, afraid of what he would see there as he continued.
“There was a kid that used to go to my middle school that looked just like him, except he was a natural blonde. That was the first and last time anyone ever called me ‘Minnie’. Until Hyunjin. My dad literally screamed at that kid and pulled me away from him so hard,” Seungmin shook his head as he stared at the scattered beer bottles on the table.
“He said he didn’t want me to turn out like him. To remember who I was. I didn’t get it before, I was too young. But now… I’d forgotten all about that kid, don’t even remember his name. Never thought about him until Hyunjin and…” Seungmin didn’t finish, just shrugged his shoulders as he let the answer hang in the air. He didn’t want to finish. Didn’t want to talk about the things he really wanted to forget.
But something about Changbin just made him want to keep talking. Made him want to pick the roses, even when the thorns hurt him.
He glanced at his roommate, saw him twisting the bottle around in his hands before downing it in one go. They looked at eachother and Changbin just gave him a small smile. He sat there and listened to everything and just.
Smiled.
“I think Minnie can be a part of you. I think Minnie is just as strong as Seungmin.”
Somehow, that felt better than anything he could’ve said.
Seungmin felt something roll around his chest. He didn’t like it.
He was tired of pretending like he didn’t like it.
“So what did you wanna pry about?”
Seungmin’s cheeks flushed as he thought about it.
“It’s about Hyunjin.”
“Right, so?”
Seungmin just shrugged his shoulders again, picking at the tattered ends of his sweats.
“How are you guys…?”
“Good?”
“No I mean like...now that you’re...dating?”
Changbin let out a loud laugh, entirely too loud for the time of night, making Seungmin flush a deeper shade of red.
“Nevermind!”
“Seungmin, we’re not dating .”
The younger looked at him like he had five heads, “What do you mean you’re not dating? ”
“I mean we’re not dating, we’re just friends. Hyunjin and I have known each other probably a little longer than you’ve known Minho. He’s my best friend. What happened between us...we just got carried away the night we made the track. Yeah we messed around here and there but it was only for a week and the end of it was mostly just jokes. Hyune’s cool and really handsome but...we’re better as friends. It was just one time and honestly never again.”
Seungmin felt like the glass floor had just shattered beneath him, everything he felt like he knew was just complete and utter bullshit.
But when he fell through the floor, a bungee cord snapped him right back up. He felt-
Relief.
Relief in knowing Changbin wasn’t kissing Hyunjin anymore and relief in his stupidity at thinking that just because you’re hooking up it clearly doesn’t mean you’re dating.
Relief.
It didn’t feel right, but Seungmin didn’t want to feel guilty anymore.
“Plus,” Changbin continued, the blush that dusted his cheeks turning into a gorgeous scarlet.
“I kinda have my eyes on someone else.”
Seungmin felt.
Rage?
He was pissed. He was so pissed and he was grappling because he couldn’t understand why.
Changbin moved on from kissing Hyunjin to having his eyes on someone else.
The thorns pressed into his hands when Changbin smiled at him.
Changbin, having his eyes on someone other than me.
Seungmin wanted to banish the thought the moment it came but once he started he couldn’t stop and his sluggish brain couldn’t put up the defenses it did when he was sober - too slow to stop Seungmin from hurting himself.
With Hyunjin it was different. With Hyunjin it was physical. It never meant anything more than a quick release and nothing more. Seungmin could wash his hands of that sin. Seungmin could watch it go down the drain like water. With Hyunjin, it was just because he was pretty. And with Hyunjin, Seungmin could forget about it until the next time he laid in bed unable to sleep.
But with Changbin, it was sunshine. With Changbin it was moonlight. With Changbin, it was waking up and wondering if he would be just as excited to go to the gym with him as the night before. With Changbin it was salty ramen, calf massages, and bad TV. With Changbin it was twilight and every hour in between. With Changbin, it was putting the barrier up every day just to watch it crumble and be replaced with Hyunjin every night. With Changbin he couldn’t wash it away. He couldn’t pretend like he didn’t exist, because he turned his leaves to feel his warmth like his life depended on it.
With Changbin it was scary and it was wrong.
That’s why when Changbin opens his mouth, Seungmin jumps forward to silence him before he can ruin it. Before he asks Seungmin another question that sends him in a spiral. Before Seungmin can forget what it feels like to feel this powerful. This free.
It’s not earth shattering. It’s not mind blowing.
It actually tastes a lot like beer and artificial fruits. It’s messy and kinda uncomfortable.
But the barriers are gone and he can feel nothing except for Changbin’s hands on his hips, his knee digging into Seungmin’s thigh. He hears nothing except for Changbin’s laughter against his mouth. He feels the air escape from his lungs as Changbin steals the oxygen straight from his chest.
Changbin pulls away to breathe and Seungmin chases his mouth, clumsy and completely out of practice but Changbin squeezes him all the same. Changbin hugs him to his chest and scorches his leaves with his light and it feels so right. So right .
Eventually, Changbin rests his head against Seungmin’s forehead.
“I think we should take you to bed, Minnie.”
Seungmin whines, shaking his head - afraid of the cold.
“It’s okay, I'll help you.”
“Are you mad?”
“Seungmin, why would I be mad?”
Much too soon Seungmin is in his bed, Changbin helping him organize his clothes and brush his teeth and wash his face and take his contacts out. He begins to walk away but Seungmin begs him to stay. Changbin smiles and takes off his shirt, laying down next to Seungmin.
Like a flower, Seungmin turns towards the warmth and Changbin wraps his rays around him.
“Go to sleep, Minnie. I know you’re tired.”
Seungmin shuts his eyes and finds it much too easy to sleep.
“Don’t worry, Seungmin.”
Much too easy to leave the barriers down.
“It’s you I have my eye on.”
Seungmin wants to be scared but he finds he just does not care.
He wakes up gasping, tears streaming down his face. He tries to relax, counting to ten for what feels like a hundred times but the tears don’t stop. His breaths don’t slow. He turns over on all fours, grabbing his pillow and the rosary under it. The pillow becomes damp as he silently cries into it, clutching it to his chest.
He kneels in his bed, doubling over as the tears won’t stop and the sobs wrack through him.
Please, God, please. Please make it stop, God, I am so sorry.
Frantically, he prays.
And then he remembers.
The hands on his hips.
The laughter against his lips.
The lopsided cocky grin.
The rope is squeezing him. His palms burn.
He screams into his pillow.
I don’t want to be like this. I am not like this, God please don’t abandon me, God please take this suffering away.
“Seungmin?”
Seungmin rips the pillow away from his face as he looks up at the darkness, stupidly thinking that finally, God has answered him. He can’t make out the ceiling, the black of the night seems endless.
Instead he feels something warm pressing against his back, arms snaking across his chest and he becomes hysterical.
Changbin turns him over and hugs him against his chest, even as Seungmin thrashes and sobs and begs him for things the older can’t understand.
He clutches the rosary with Seungmin as he breathes into his hair:
“Shh, Minnie. It’ll be okay.”
The sun is scorching him, the warmth he once felt now burning and painful.
Dear God , he begins through his gasping breaths, his painful tears, why have you forsaken me so?
Seungmin’s head is throbbing when he wakes up in the morning. He struggles to blink away the grogginess, trying fruitlessly to raise his hand to rub at his eyes. He tries again to get up, his brain screaming at him to go back to sleep. Instead, Seungmin rises out of his bed and walks into the hallway, on his way to brush his teeth when he bumps into Changbin just as he opens his door.
“Oh, Minnie. How are you feeling? I meant to come back before you woke up but-”
Suddenly Seungmin feels absolutely sick.
He pushes past Changbin, the pills in his hand scattering to the floor and the water bottle spilling everywhere. Seungmin could care less, not when he can barely make it to the toilet. His face is streaked with tears as he empties the contents of his stomach.
He hears the door open, feels Changbin drop to his knees behind him, rubbing his back and pulling Seungmin’s sweaty fringe away from his forehead.
It feels nice.
It’s too much.
It makes Seungmin cry harder.
“It’s okay, Seungmin. Just let it out, we can get you to bed right after.”
He just feels so sick.
That day passes by in a blur. He allows himself the gentle touches to his forehead. He allows Changbin to press gentle pecks to his cheeks. He allows Changbin to make him soup and go as far as bringing it to him in bed. He relishes in the feeling of Changbin’s arms around him as he falls asleep to take what must be his fifth hungover nap of the day.
Everything just feels so warm and so soft and Seungmin for once allows himself to turn his brain off. Stops the wall one more time if only to feel Changbin’s soft laughter against the back of his neck when he tells him he’ll never drink again. If only to see Changbin's smile when he sees Seungmin drinking juice instead of spitting it right back up. If only to shiver as Changbin runs his fingers through Seungmin’s hair to help him relax. If only to notice the subtle ways Changbin touches Seungmin as if to calm himself.
He allows himself this. This day to make mistakes. Because that night when Changbin offers to stay with Seungmin again to make sure he sleeps through the night, Seungmin lies and tells him he feels fine even though his stomach is rolling. Changbin nods softly and Seungmin pretends not to see the way his smile falters as he presses a kiss to the tip of Seungmin’s nose.
The ropes squeeze his wrists tight as he lays down brick after brick held together with a thick layer of cement.
He allowed himself this day to make mistakes, if only to never make a mistake ever again.
It honestly surprises Seungmin, the way he can just tuck everything into a box in his mind and pretend it doesn’t exist. At first he thought something was wrong with him. When his grandmother died and everyone was sobbing and his parents were barely speaking, he whipped out the best exam grades he ever did that entire academic year. When he and Minho got into an argument that resulted in them not speaking for weeks, Seungmin managed to clean the dust off places in the house he didn’t even know dust could accumulate. He thought he was just emotionally defective.
He now likes to call it being emotionally efficient.
His Weekend of Disasters, as he named it, is long forgotten, and the week that followed just resulted in Seungmin trying to pick up the crumbling pieces of his life. Because Seungmin won’t make mistakes, not again.
He spent every waking hour he could in the library, trying to make up for his poor quiz grades and lack of notes. Every hour that he wasn’t in the library he was locked in his room, cleaning and cleaning and cleaning again because why in the fuck was dust getting on his cactus?
When he woke up in the morning, he would call his mother, speaking to her throughout his morning routine until he walked out of the door on his way to class. Reassuring her he was fine, and that the weeks he spent not calling her he spent trying to get used to living away from home. When it was the weekend, he would ride out to Minho’s apartment instead. Leaving at the ass crack of dawn and sneaking in with the spare key his best friend gave him. He’d study at his table until Minho woke up and stay there when he went to work. Prepping dinner for him and watching over his cats. His best friend found it odd at first, how often Seungmin was willing to spend money he knew he didn’t have on bus fare and ubers. (“What? I can’t miss my best friend?” “Seung, you’re making dinner for Soonie.” “Can’t I miss my best friend and his cat?” “...Right.”) Seungmin was never much of a cat person, but he finds himself rather comforted by the way Minho’s cat walks in between his legs when he’s studying and wraps its tail around his shoulder when he’s on his phone.
Everything had a nice balance. Wake up, call Mom, grab food, go to class, go to the library, eat, come back, clean, shower, go to bed.
He rarely saw much of Changbin anymore. He found that by not seeing him, his Weekend of Disasters was much more easily ”file-away-able”. It helped that he had Changbin’s schedule memorized down to the second, knowing exactly when the boy would wake up, work on his music, even when he would take his pee breaks. Seungmin was absolutely meticulous in how he spent time away from his room and even more so when it came to spending time away from his roommate.
Two weeks in, Seungmin is a pro. By this point Seungmin should know better than to make mistakes. He doesn’t make mistakes, not anymore. So he has no idea how he could make the colossal mistake of walking into his apartment to see Changbin sitting there on the couch clutching his dufflebag to his broad chest.
Seungmin froze at the door, unsure of what to do. Changbin wasn’t supposed to be there. He was supposed to be in class. He was supposed to be in class for the next two hours. And then he would go to his studio on campus for four and then he would come back and get ready for the gym for two and then he would come back and cook for one, eat for twenty minutes and go to bed, at which point Seungmin would conveniently come back from the library.
So it doesn’t make sense how Seungmin could make such a stupid mistake because--
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“It’s my dorm too, Seungmin.”
“But you should be in class, you shouldn’t be here .”
And of course he’s right, he does live here but Seungmin feels afraid. His wounds are ripped open with the one who used to sooth them now holding the knife. He doesn’t know what to do and he’s making mistake after mistake after--
“That’s a lot coming from you. What? Think I wouldn’t notice how you have my schedule memorized so you can avoid me?”
Mistake .
Seungmin was so foolish to think that Changbin wouldn’t notice and he was even more foolish to think that Changbin wouldn’t do something about it. He should have known better, should have known that running away from his problems wouldn’t make them disappear. Should’ve known that he couldn’t live like this until the end of the semester, much less the next. How could he have been so stupid to think that this was like all the other problems he shoves into his closet? That it could remain shut forever? Unlike his parents, Changbin has the key.
Worse, Changbin is the fucking closet, down to the dust and the rotting candy left forgotten in his suit pockets.
Seungmin is afraid, so very afraid.
“Hello? Seungmin? Are you going to say something? I know you have thoughts in that big brain of yours.”
He doesn’t know what to do .
“Or are you going to just stand there like the dick that ignored me for weeks after he kissed me?”
“That didn’t happen,” is what comes out of his mouth. Calm. Cool. Assertive. Because it didn’t happen. It was erased from existence, filed away with the rest of the things Seungmin wants to forget and at the bottom of the cabinet is that stupid rose he got comfortable clutching. Changbin scoffs, standing from where he sat on the couch. He towered over Seungmin in a way that didn’t require the 10 centimeters that would physically allow him to.
“So I just imagined your chapped lips on mine that night after you met my friends?”
Stop.
“Or did I imagine the next morning, staying in bed with you while you sweat off all the alcohol?”
“Stop.”
“No I must have imagined when we rolled around in bed the entirety of that day when I kissed you and you kissed me back and we laughed and I made you soup. I must have.”
“ Stop! ”
Changbin walked over to Seungmin, crossing his arms and glaring at him. It made Seungmin feel small and he didn’t like it. Was tired of feeling small, he’s felt it his whole life.
“Stop, stop. Just, stop talking. I’m not doing this. That didn’t happen. Forget it happened. It’s never happening again.”
Seungmin wants to forget the way Changbin’s shoulders fell. He squared them again, clenched his fists under his arms.
“I can’t believe you. You who literally begged to know every detail about what happened with Hyunjin. I’m not blind, I know what a crush looks like.”
Seungmin shook his head, beginning to push past Changbin to walk away from the conversation. Snatch the key back before it’s too late. His roommate darts around him, effectively blocking his path to his room. Seungmin turns his back to Changbin.
“Seungmin, you kissed me …You wanna know why it never happened with Hyunjin? Because of you .”
No . Changbin’s anger deflated until it began to sound like defeat.
“Because I think you’re really fucking cool. I like how you pushed yourself to go to the gym with me even though it made you uncomfortable. I like how you let me massage your calves and whine about it even though you could just pull your legs away. I like how you indulge me and watch bad TV with me even though you could watch literally anything else. I like how smart you are and how you make me feel like a little kid when we bicker and how I feel like the one with the first time crush. I stopped it with Hyunjin because he wasn’t you .”
He’s closing the fucking closet.
He whirls around and pushes Changbin, wearing his fear like a bulletproof vest. Changbin stumbles back, clearly taken aback by Seungmin’s hands on his chest.
“How many times do I have to tell you that it didn’t happen? It didn’t fucking happen . I kissed you because I was drunk.”
The expression that crossed Changbin’s face was wrong, so so so wrong.
“And the next morning? I kissed you because I wanted to appease you and your kiddie crush. I let you do whatever you wanted that day because I felt bad .”
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
“And when you woke up crying in the middle of the night?”
“A nightmare.”
“Minnie-”
“ Seungmin, ” he shook his head, rolled his shoulders. Loaded the gun, aimed at the door.
“I kissed you because I pitied you. I pity you and every other faggot that’s just like you.”
Bang.
Seungmin dared a look at Changbin and saw the top of his head as it hung between his shoulders
“Feel like a man now?”
Without looking at him, Changbin walked to his bag and clutched the strap in his hands. Seungmin didn’t miss the way the veins protruded from his skin. Seungmin shook his head, bit back the tears because this could not be happening. How could he let this happen? How did he try to shut the closet and it blew wide open instead? How could he be so careless?
He watches his roommate mechanically walk over to their front door.
Freedom , Seungmin thinks.
He watches Changbin’s jaw clench as he puts on his shoes.
“Seungmin, I hope you know your worth is infinite. I hope you know that you didn’t deserve to be hurt like this.”
“Stop,” the knot is thick in his throat, he could barely get the word out.
“I feel so sorry for you.”
He feels the rope, scratchy and tight against his neck
Changbin raises his head to the ceiling, shaking it a bit before he grabs the handle, “You gotta let it go, Minnie.”
Jumps as the door slams shut.
He felt the ghost of the floor as he raises his feet.
He can’t breathe.
Being on the receiving end of the cold shoulder was more painful than Seungmin thought it would be. Watching as Changbin walked into their dorm only to collect more clothes before leaving to wherever he was staying felt like a slap in the face.
But despite it hurting at first, it became easy to quiet his thoughts and become emotionally defective once again. Without Changbin there, Seungmin felt like he could breathe. He could close the door on their empty living room and leave the ugly words where they lay on their ugly hardwood floor. He could tuck the noose into his shirt. Seungmin was able to go about his day with that part of his mind walled off. He could focus on school and focus on hanging out with Minho and it was all just scarily easy.
Though Seungmin should know better than to be comfortable with easy.
It happens on the first day of November, Seungmin sitting at the table studying when the door knob begins to jiggle. His thoughts come to a screeching halt, the words on the page a mess of alphabet soup. Seungmin stands to go hide but the door opens, and Changbin comes in. Seungmin can just stare after him like a deer caught in headlights, watching the car race closer to him but unable to move.
But the crash never comes, the car zooms past. As quickly as he came, Changbin left, his duffle bag round with clothes, a long sleeve hanging out of the open zipper. And Seungmin is shocked to find that it hurts.
It hurts like freezing winter, the frostbite burning his fingertips as the sun shines away from him and onto another hemisphere.
His mind becomes preoccupied, he can feel himself crumbling. But he shapens up, refuses to let the fall happen. He shoves the bricks in however they fit. Because Changbin is gone, and being gone is better than being a ghost.
But Seungmin never learns.
Eventually, Changbin returned. Seungmin knew it would happen eventually. Logically because there wasn’t enough space in his dufflebag to last him more than a week, maybe a week and a half. Seungmin was prepared this time. He braced himself for Changbin’s entrance and swift exit. But when he walked out of his room, it was without the bag. He held his breath when Changbin approached him where he sat only to circle around him to the kitchen, making his dinner quietly. He focused intently on the task, humming a song Seungmin recognized as one of the many he heard through their wall. He tried to turn away but he couldn’t, staring at Changbin’s face like a moth to a flame.
And Changbin dutifully ignored him, grabbed his food once it was ready and sat on the couch, putting his feet up and turning on the TV. It hurt, and it made Seungmin uncomfortable how much it hurt. He got up, leaving his books behind as he stood. He turned only to come face-to-face with the stove.
And there on one of the burners next to the pot was a plate of fried rice.
In a plate that was unmistakably Seungmin’s favorite plate.
And this...this hurt more than being a ghost.
With Changbin back caring for Seungmin in his uncaring way, it was impossible to prevent himself from getting hurt. Everyday he felt like he was getting swept away by a current he couldn’t see, struggling against the rushing water only for the noose to pull him down further every night. When he closed his eyes, it was Changbin’s cold gaze he saw behind his lids. He was underneath the undertow, drowning and drowning and drowning.
“And so now I have to buy a new couch. Cats. It would be fun, they said.”
“No one said that, Min.”
“Whatever.”
Seungmin tucked his rosary under his pillow before collapsing onto his bed. Minho quietly tidied up his desk, organizing Seungmin’s pens just the way he liked it. Seungmin turned away from him, hugging his blanket to his chest as Minho finished up. He was thankful he offered to help Seungmin clean up even though he only came over for dinner. He was glad for the company. With Minho his mind was blissfully quiet.
The younger felt his bed dip behind him. He was distantly aware of the warmth of his best friend’s thigh through his shorts where it pressed against Seungmin’s bare foot. Somewhere in his mind, his nerves latched onto that warmth after being cold for what felt like forever.
“You gonna tell me what’s up with you?”
Seungmin pretended like he couldn’t hear. In the distance he could hear the waves crashing. Minho laid on his back next to Seungmin, the ball the younger tucked himself into leaving plenty of space for Minho to spread out next to him. Seungmin wanted to turn over and tuck himself into Minho’s shoulder, but he didn’t like the images his brain supplied at the thought. He clutched his blanket tighter. He felt his t-shirt tugging as Minho pulled at the loose threads that littered the hem.
“Wanna know something I haven’t told anyone?”
Seungmin didn’t answer.
“I didn’t move out of my parents’ house just because of school and work at the studio or because I felt like it was finally time.”
The blanket covered Seungmin’s legs as Minho reached around him to pull it up.
“And the reason I didn’t help you move into school wasn’t because I was getting used to my schedule or because I was busy working or whatever bullshit story I told you.”
Seungmin turned onto his back as well, glancing at Minho through the corner of his eye to see his best friend staring up at the ceiling, his eyes glazed over.
“I had a black eye. And my body was sore because my arms and hips were bruised.”
At that Seungmin turned his neck completely to look at Minho. He couldn’t picture it, his beautiful best friend’s unmarred skin decorated in black and blue. A single tear slid down the corner of Minho’s eye, down his temple, and into his hair. His jaw clenched and unclenched, Seungmin guessed it was to hold back his tears.
“It happened when my dad quite literally kicked me out. Like threw my bag out and pushed me until I stumbled and fell down our porch steps.”
“Min-”
“I told him about Jisung,” he laughed, throwing his arm over his eyes. “You can imagine how that went.”
Seungmin’s eyes welled with unshed tears until his best friend’s face went blurry.
“I never told anyone because I’m Lee Minho, son of the two proudest Catholics at our church. I’m me who always has it together and never cracks. My parents never told anyone because they would rather uphold the image of the son they thought they had, even if they don't talk to him anymore. I never told you because...well, because I had you, and I didn’t want to lose the one good thing in my life. I knew you were nothing like them, but I was still scared. I mean we grew up the exact same.”
Seungmin shut his eyes and ignored the cold trail his tears left behind on his face, bit the collar of his shirt so that he wouldn’t cry any harder. He heard Minho sniffle a bit, felt his best friend move next to him.
“And yet, even though you struggled a little at first, you’re still letting me sit next to you in bed. You still made dinner for my cats and spent money you didn’t have to see me even if you were just running from your problems that you swear you can hide from me. Thank you, so much, for not letting me go.”
He didn’t want to be thanked. Didn’t feel like he deserved it. All he could hear was the echo of the disgusting words he said to Changbin and felt the rope tight around his entire body. Here was Minho, his one and only who he could go to for anything and who hurt more than he knew and Seungmin was being that person behind his back. And Minho was thanking him as he tried to run from the sins he created. He was sick to his stomach.
“I know you kissed Changbin.”
It felt like a punch to the gut. It felt like he was fighting against a cyclone, trying to reverse the spin of the water. He felt like he was trying to part the sea by sheer will alone.
“And I know what you said to him. He told Hyunjin and Jisung.”
Seungmin wanted the Earth to swallow him whole. He found that it hurt more to know that others knew. That the people he grew to adore now knew what kind of person he actually was.
“Seungmin, you are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I am so happy that you’re my best friend. You are not. A bad. Person. I don’t have all the answers and I can’t speak for your parents or any of the people back home, but I can speak the truth that I know. I wish you could see what I see. The greatest friend who cares so much about the right thing. The boy who wants to love everything and everyone even when it’s hard. I wish you could understand that God could never hate you, ever, because you’re one of the purest angels He created.”
All he wanted was to stop sinking, to stop falling to the depths of the ocean. All he can feel is the water filling his lungs.
“You are worth everything, Seungmin. The people who make you think and feel differently are wrong, and you never ever deserved that. I wish you could see that. I want you to know that. I want you to let go of the things that are hurting you. You deserve so much, Min. You’re worthy of all the good things.”
Seungmin can’t remember the last time he functioned on so little sleep. Its effects were obvious. He was irritable, unfocused and messy. Everyday, for the sake of not losing it in front of Changbin, (because why would Seungmin ever show a weak side of himself ever again to his roommate?) he said “good morning” and “goodnight,” as was their (new) routine. But after trying to hold it together for so long, when it was just Seungmin and his sad, sad bedroom, he unleashed everything. His anger shown in how he shoved his clothes under his bed to hide the mess, the way he pounded his forehead when he couldn’t understand something from class.
He was slipping.
At night, Seungmin’s mind is loud and unforgiving. His disgust with himself drowned out only by the sobs that rip through his chest when he lays awake at night. He was so mad for what felt like no good reason.
When his parents called, he fought desperately to find an excuse to get them off the phone, but it usually just resulted in curt responses and quick goodbyes. When Minho called, he tried not to think too hard about how he felt like he was a stranger even though he knew him like the back of his hand. And at the thought of his instability, he could only hate himself more.
The days began to blur together and everyday felt like a chore. He was in a forest with no map in a foreign country, He was lost, so lost.
He felt hopeless and so damn ridiculous .
On Sunday, Seungmin goes to church.
He doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s doing anymore he just knows that he needs to do something. He stands and kneels when he’s supposed to, sings the hymns when the music starts, does the cross and kisses his fist as he’s done a thousand times before. It’s not enough. Once the mass is over, he goes to confession. He sits in the box with his eyes squeezed shut as he hears the pastor on the other side breathing.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one year since my last confession,” a knot begins to form in his throat. A year ago he had confessed to lying to his parents. What a joke. “I’ve…I’ve had lustful thoughts for another, constantly. I’ve lusted over my flesh. I’ve lied to those close to me, to myself. I..I can’t recognize myself, Father. I’m so angry all the time, I feel disgusting, I feel trapped. I want to be free but I don’t think I can do it through the church anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry…I am so sorry for these and all of my sins.”
The silence that followed swallowed him, and his blood roared in his ears. He could barely hear the shuffle of the priest on the other side of the box before he began to speak.
“Rest your heart, son,” his deep voice came from across the partition. “It’s okay to feel lost. It’s good to be skeptical, it’s good to think. But hear me, son, committing such acts does not make you free. Pope St. John Paul II once said that ‘Freedom is not realized in decisions made against God.’ Freedom is sometimes misunderstood in our world because people think it means you can do whatever you want, but anyone who has done anything they want to do and makes bad choices can tell you that doing that can lead to a prison of its own making. True Freedom is realized in following the will of God, following the things the church teaches. They’re there to help us, they’re there to help us know ourselves. They are here to guide you, son.”
Seungmin’s thoughts begin to race the minute the priest finishes speaking. Belatedly he can hear him forgiving Seungmin – “God, the father of mercies, through the death…” But he can’t make sense of his words. The church has guided him his whole life, given him solace in his time of need. He knows that he has found himself through his faith. But what happens when what he’s found isn’t the will of God? How can his will be dependent on the will of another, no matter how divine?
What if everything I’ve ever known taught me to hate what I now know of myself?
“...I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”
Hollowly, Seungmin makes the sign of the cross, brings his fist to his lips.
“Amen.”
Seungmin wishes he could go back to the time before he had a Gay ™ Best Friend. Seungmin from That time had it all together, he could push away his problems with such ease. That Seungmin was good at pretending.
Now, the sound of the shrill voice calling after him made his shoulder’s sink, his sour mood obvious in his gait. He couldn’t be bothered by how his blatant disrespect was perceived, he just wanted to get to bed.
“Hey, Minnie! Seungmin!”
His steps didn’t falter, instead he raised his airpods and put them in his ears, his music blaring to drown out the noise of the campus around him. He wanted to be surprised when he rounded the corner and it was just slow enough for Hyunjin to use his long legs to leap in front of his path. He wanted to be annoyed but he couldn’t even find the will to do that. His exhaustion made it impossible to do anything but stare. He was afraid, sure, now that he knew his horrid argument with Changbin was making rounds within the friend group. But really, he was just tired. So he clung tight onto his exhaustion and used it like a shield.
Hyunjin would never be deterred by even this, it seemed, as he reached forward and plucked the headphones out of Seungmin’s ears.
“Hey, you, I was calling you! I know you heard me.”
“Sorry.”
The blonde dramatically rolled his eyes.
“Yeah yeah it’s fine. Where ya heading in such a rush?”
“Home.”
“For what? Spring break starts today and I know you’re not going home, Minho told me.”
“I-”
“Wanna get lunch?”
At that Seungmin raised a brow. Now that he was forced into a conversation he couldn’t help but realize that Hyunjin’s behavior was really fucking weird. It wasn’t like he was expecting the boy to terrorize him and fist fight him even though it surely was what he deserved. But it had been weeks since he last spoke to Hyunjin, the last time being even before the falling out between Changbin and Seungmin. At the very least he expected Hyunjin to ignore him, much like everyone but Minho was.
Seungmin knew Hyunjin and Changbin were best friends. And Hyunjin was furiously loyal. Even after their brief week of hooking up, they were inseparable; as Changbin told him, they were good friends. There was no one he expected to be on Changbin’s side and to be more obvious about it than Hyunjin. Yet here he was, bubbly and expecting as ever, right in front of Seungmin. In public. And reaching out to Minho about his free time, apparently.
His curiosity won out.
“Sure.”
Seungmin was always surprised by Hyunjin’s inability to be stopped by literally, fucking anything. Hyunjin asked Seungmin about anything and everything, how classes were, why he wasn’t going home, what fabric softener he used to clean his clothes. It wasn’t that Seungmin was trying to blow him off as they walked to the burger spot, he just didn’t have the energy. But even his one worded, half assed responses weren’t stopping him. Hyunjin made a conversation about anything . He even found a way to laugh at Seungmin’s sarcastic comments. It was weird and frustrating to no end.
After so much time alone, he was out of practice in Pretending. Once they got their food (that Hyunjin ordered for Seungmin because he wouldn’t leave him alone without getting something other than fries) Seungmin couldn’t help but burst.
“Hyunjin, what do you want?”
The dancer took the question in stride, gesturing to the ketchup bottle as he squeezed a huge blob next to his fries, “To eat?”
“No like, with me. Why are you being nice to me?”
Hyunjin stuttered once before he continued to shove fries in his mouth. He shrugged, “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because Changbin’s your best friend?”
Seungmin could only stare as Hyunjin continued to eat, unbothered as he rubbed at his eyes before slurping loudly on his milkshake.
“Oooookay? Are we not friends?”
“No?”
“Wow, Seungmin, you’re gonna say that after I literally spent $30 on our lunch? You wound me.”
“Hyunjin!”
Seungmin was grasping at straws, he didn’t know what to do. Hyunjin being flippant with him about the very obvious very big and very fucking fat elephant in the room was making him crazy. He was seconds away from breaking.
Hyunjin sighed as he put down his burger. He leaned forward, trying to contain their conversation with his body in the corner of the very busy restaurant.
“Seungmin, what do you want from me? You want me to explode and get mad at you and punch you for hurting Changbin’s feelings and being a dick?”
He thought he was being rhetorical but Hyunjin just waved his hands frantically. At that Seungmin shrugged.
“And that’s exactly why I’m not doing it. You think you deserve it. And really, you do, I’ll be the last to be calm and cool but,” Hyunjin leaned back and rested his chin on the palm of his hand. His hair fell loosely around his face prettily, it made Seungmin want to reach out and push it behind his ear.
Hyunjin looked away as he spoke.
“Really, Changbin was the only thing between your face and my fist.”
Seungmin paled, getting ready to ask but Hyunjin beat him to it.
“He just looks at you and he sees everything you don’t say, even when nobody even knows that you have something to say. He begged me to leave you alone and not say anything and to just let it go. That it wasn’t right, that even if I couldn’t see eye to eye with him then I should just respect his wishes as his friend,” he shook his head before putting his food away.
“Last week he told me you were having a rough couple of weeks. He asked me to check up on you, because he didn’t feel like he had the right to go to Minho. I don’t have to get lunch with you, I fully could have just followed from a distance to our apartment building and made sure you got there safe, the bare minimum. But I just look at you and…”
Seungmin turned away, refusing to look at Hyunjin and tired of feeling pitied, looked at like a caged animal ready to blow, even though that’s exactly what he was.
“I still don’t think I see what Changbin does when he looks at you, I don’t think anyone ever will, Changbin’s mind is…interesting. But I look at you and I just…I feel scared. I look at you and I see what life was and even though I’m really fucking disappointed in you, no, I don’t hate you, Seungmin. I can’t hate you for feeling trapped. I can’t hate you, I can’t. I just want you to have this . I want you to allow yourself to have this. You’re not a bad person. You’re just a good person in a grey place.”
Seungmin’s chest felt raw the way it was ripped open, poked, and prodded at. After lunch he rode home with Hyunjin, trying to hold on to the escaping feeling of numbness he’d grown accustomed to and failing desperately, barely making it through the threshold of his door before he exploded.
Seungmin’s chest felt raw the way it was ripped open, poked, and prodded at. After lunch he rode home with Hyunjin, trying to hold on to the escaping feeling of numbness he’d grown accustomed to and failing desperately, barely making it through the threshold of his door before he exploded. He tore into his room, feeling like he had to do something with his hands before he did something worse. He screamed out a stream of curses and fell to his knees as his anger boiled over. He was angry so so fucking angry .
And he was scared. His hands were shaking, his whole body was shaking and he was so mad, livid, belligerent . He’s never felt like this in his whole life and he blamed it on Hyunjin. On stupid fucking Hyunjin and his smart mouth, picking at Seungmin like he had any right to. He was angry at Changbin for thinking he could go behind his back and try to care for him after their argument. For acting like he knew him when all they did was kiss and cuddle before it exploded in their fucking faces. He was mad at Minho, for feeling like he had to hide from him.
And at this he doubled over.
He realized he wasn't mad at Minho for kissing boys, he was mad at Minho for hiding it. The thought made him clutch his chest because even though he couldn’t change how he felt, he still thought it was wrong. He wasn’t mad at his friends, he was sad because it felt like no matter how much he argued with himself he would always at his core be a bad person to them.
But Seungmin was good . He went to church every Sunday, he prayed every night, he never argued, he always turned his other cheek. He did everything right and yet God was punishing him. He felt at war with himself - the person he wanted to be and the person he found himself unavoidably becoming. It felt like Seungmin from years ago would’ve thought this to be the greatest temptation of sin and he was failing but really Seungmin was just tired . He was exhausted from trying to hold it off and resist this temptation, of accepting this
If it was so wrong, then God would have never created these people and placed them in his life. He would have never given Seungmin, the devout Catholic, a best friend who kissed boys and parents who hated someone like that.
If it was wrong for him to think and feel this way, then God would have never given him Changbin.
And that really hurt him most of all. Because he found that even if it was wrong, he could never give up Changbin. Even if it really was a surefire ticket straight to Hell. Changbin has made him feel more alive in the past three months than he has his whole life and it hurts .
God, I’ll be your child if you insist, I just wish from the bottom of my heart that you didn’t make me gay.
Finding the courage to reach out to Changbin had Seungmin’s stomach in knots from the moment he woke up. He’s not even sure what he’s going to say to him when he sees him but he just knows he has to talk to him. He’s let too many people suffer the consequences of his mistakes, most of all his roommate.
It’s not like Seungmin has changed and become a whole new person now, honestly he doesn’t even think he can begin to shake off the years of who he thought he was. He just knows that living in this shadow, with this rope binding him and holding him back from all the joy in his life has gone on for way too long. He was incredibly over it .
So even though he’s shitting bricks and sweating way more than he thought was healthy, the relief that washes over him when he finds Changbin fidgeting with the key outside their dorm is welcome. He notices when Changbin realizes Seungmin is coming up behind him, the way his shoulders tensed and his body went still was unmistakable. Ouch , that still hurts .
“I’ll get out of your way sorry, my key’s just been giving me problems lately.”
Seungmin sucks his bottom lip into his mouth at the clipped tone Changbin speaks to him with.
Don’t lose your nerve now. Don’t you dare.
“It’s..It’s fine. I-I got it,” Seungmin leans in, his roommate instantly taking a step back, leaving his key in the lock in his rush to distance himself from Seungmin. Seungmin can’t shake the feeling of self-hatred that envelopes him, can’t expel the thought that his mere presence is too much for his roommate, but he doesn’t let his own thoughts deter him. He squeezes his eyes shut as he yanks out his roommate's key, replacing it with his own and opening their door. He holds the door open for his roommate, dropping his key into his open palm. Immediately Changbin is turning on his heel, making a beeline for his room when Seungmin catches his wrist.
Changbin’s reaction is immediate as he whirls around, Seungmin dropping his wrist like he had been burned. He raises his hands when Changbin turns his gaze on him, the shock clearly written there all over his face.
“Was that an accident or..?”
Seungmin realized that Changbin was giving him an out. A free chance to take back his action with no question if he wanted to change his mind. The coward within him wanted to take that chance, had the words aching to climb free from his throat. “Yeah..sorry, my bad.”
Instead he went against every aching cell in his body and raised his head, meeting his roommate’s gaze, head on.
“No.”
At that Changbin raises an eyebrow, drops his bag and fully turns his body towards Seungmin.
“No?”
“No, it wasn’t an accident. I…I want to talk to you.”
“Seungmin…” The sigh that escaped Changbin’s mouth sounded very defeated, and it was quickly making Seungmin lose his nerve but he physically lunged forward as if he had to force the words out of his mouth before he just clammed up and ruined the one good thing he’s ever had.
“I’m sorry!”
“You’re…sorry?”
“I’m…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I never said what I said to you, it was awful and disgusting and-”
“Seungmin, I don’t want you to say sorry to me. No shit it was awful.”
“But I am sorry-”
“I don’t want an apology from you Seungmin. Thanks but no thanks-”
“I don’t care what you want!”
At that Seungmin clasped his hands over his mouth. Changbin’s eyes were as wide as saucers, the incredulity shown in the whites of his eyes. And yet the corner of his mouth twinged with…pride? Why the fuck did he say that, why did he say that?
“You don’t? Then why are we talking? It’s been almost a month of silence and all of a sudden you wanna talk? You have to think this is what I want to hear.”
The tears that welled up in his eyes were uncontrollable, and like his words, once they started to fall, they wouldn’t stop.
“I don’t. I don’t care about what you want because this was never about you. I’m sorry . I’m genuinely so sorry for saying what I said to you because it was disgusting and awful and because it’s how I feel about myself and that’s…not okay.”
Seungmin sank down to the floor, his back resting against their couch, Changbin’s impassive eyes far away from him now.
“My whole life I’ve never met anyone like you. I’ve never had to think about myself and what I want because my parents thought of it all for me. It wasn’t until I came here and saw you that I was starting to realize that I really hated how home would make me feel and how…I made myself feel. I liked being around you and being around your friends and I realized that the person I was around you guys wasn’t someone I could be comfortable with in my own head. So I’m so sorry that I said what I said because it wasn’t fair to you that I let the things I hated about myself come out on you.”
Changbin sat down across from Seungmin, taking in what he was saying but not revealing anything on his face. Slowly he shuffled around him, wrapping his arms around Seungmin gently and laying them on the floor. Seungmin’s heart raced at the feeling and he didn’t want it to go away. His tears fell harder and Changbin said nothing, just pressed his chest against Seungmin’s back and just…listened.
“Y’know, I used to be so obsessed with the idea of living my life over. I hated my life. I was so miserable. I always wanted an out and I really never knew why. I never felt welcome in my own life, always an observer and one who was hated by the main character. I remember thinking how bad I wanted that feeling to go away, because it’s not like I was suicidal or anything, I just wanted a do over.”
Still, Changbin listened quietly. Poked his foot with his own to prompt him.
“I still wish I could live my life over. I think I want it now more than ever.”
Changbin’s arms crushed him before he quickly released his grip around Seungmin’s chest. Instead, Seungmin squeezed his wrist to drag him back.
“I wish I could live my life over. I want a do over. I want it so bad because there’s so much I wanna change. I wish I could live my life over and gain the courage to stand up to my parents. I wanna be there for Minho when he felt like he had nowhere to go. I want the chance to meet you again. I want to try and chase you from the beginning. I want to find you sooner. I wish I could feel this sooner.”
Seungmin curled in on himself in order to keep himself safe, keep his pieces together as he opened up to the boy that was quickly becoming the center of his world.
The ghost of Changbin’s palm could be felt on the thin material of Seungmin’s t-shirt against his back. Changbin’s uncertainty was palpable in the way he held himself back. Unconsciously, Seungmin uncurled a bit to feel the warmth of the boy’s palm.
“Thank you, Changbin,” Seungmin fought against the knot against his throat. For once the noose wasn’t suffocating him. It laid there comfortably, somehow a bit looser than before. This was a knot of his own creation. It was his own insecurity and fear of being rejected. And even though he was scared, he found his courage because lately he’s been finding that no one makes him feel stronger than the very boy he was holding back from.
He sucked in a deep breath. He wanted to be brave. Seungmin was brave.
“Thank you, Bin. You’ve made living my life seem like fun, you make me see the adventure in waking up tomorrow. I don’t want an out anymore, I want a repeat of you everyday. Thank you.”
The silence terrified him, but he fought himself. He was so tired of being afraid. He uncurled himself and sat up suddenly, squeezing his eyes shut and clenched his fist before facing Changbin head on.
“Thank you.”
The grin that broke out on Changbin’s face was glorious, so radiant and knowing.
“I-I’m still figuring everything out. I’m still a little lost. I’m still unsure about everything but…I want to try. I wanna meet me all over again.”
Changbin reached out and pressed his worn hands to Seungmin’s cheeks as he shook his head.
“You’re so fucking cool, Seungmin. You’re so. Damn. Cool.”
This time, he didn’t do it out of fear. He didn’t squeeze his eyes shut and do it before he could realize what he was doing.
He savored this moment because this wasn’t a mistake. He knew exactly what he was doing.
With his eyes open he leaned forward, his breath shuddering. His eyes flitted down to the way Changbin scraped his bottom lip against his teeth. His heart fluttered a little when their noses bumped.
“Are you sure?”
He took in a breath, closed his eyes.
“I know exactly what I’m doing.”
This time it is earth shattering. It is mind blowing.
This time he’s sober and it tastes like the salt from his tears. It’s sweet and comfortable.
This time it feels right because Seungmin finally feels free.
As Changbin kisses him, he takes it slow. Almost as if he’s cherishing this moment with Seungmin as well. And suddenly, Seungmin finds himself hoping that Changbin feels the same way he does, that this kiss means as much to his roommate as it does for him. That Changbin wants him just as badly. He feels really subconscious, trying desperately to stay in the moment but his anxiety crept up his back like vines.
Much too soon, Changbin pulled away, concern decorating his brow.
“What’s wrong, Minnie?”
Caught. Seungmin backs away, the fog of their kiss washing away and he finds himself embarrassed trying to ask the question that bothered him. Changbin must’ve mistaken his silence for something else because he was suddenly backing up, trying to get out of Seungmin’s personal space.
“No, come back!” Seungmin cried out, jumping forward and accidentally tossing the two of them back onto the floor with his force. He was on top of Changbin, his cheek pressed against his chest and he gasped before backing up. How embarrassing.
After banging his skull on the ground Changbin just stares up at him, the hint of a wince in his eyes. How the fuck is he supposed to explain that he stopped kissing him because he wanted Changbin to keep kissing him? Because he wants Changbin to jump into this headfirst like him.
“Do you want this…” he mumbles under his breath. The boy beneath him cocks his head, not quite sure what he said. As the realization begins to form on his face Seungmin rushes to fill the space.
“I’ve just never done this before.”
And Changbin scoffs, “Well duh.”
“No, I mean,” Seungmin rolls his eyes so hard he actually feels like he might see the back of his skull.
“I’ve never done this before either.” Now it’s Seungmin’s turn to scoff.
“I mean I’ve never kissed a straight boy before.”
“Shut up!”
Changbin’s laughter is much too loud for their hushed conversation, it makes Seungmin want to close up in embarrassment again but his roommate just hugs him close and pets his hair. With their chests pressed together like this, he knows Changbin can feel his heart racing. It must be why he waits until it stops racing before he speaks again.
“It’s okay, Seungmin. I’ve never done this either. I’ve never had to be someone’s first. I’ve never had to do this and I’m not gonna lie, it scares me,” he pulls Seungmin’s face back, cradles his cheeks in his hands before kissing his nose.
“But it’s okay, we’re going to figure it out together. Let’s just take it slow.”
Seungmin wants to argue. Wants to say that he doesn’t want to tire Changbin out, that he’s not scared, that he may or may not be straight. But one look at Changbin’s face and it’s like he knows. For once he decides to just take the plunge and finds that just this once, he’s not alone.
They try again to bring the group together. Despite Seungmin’s reticence towards them, Changbin insists that everything will be fine. The whole idea of seeing them again has Seungmin wracked with nerves and most of all, guilt.
It eats him up as they clean up their living room. Gnaws on his brain as he stocks the fridge with drinks. Consumes his brain as he showers. It’s just guilt so allconsuming; he has never felt such shame. He feels his heart in his throat as he gets dressed and when he hears knocking at the front door he thinks he might cry.
As Hyunjin first walked through the door, Seungmin couldn’t shake the anxiety that engulfed his body like fire. All he could hear was the echo of the awful things he had said to Changbin and, by extension, the entire friend group. He thought that with his roommate beside him he could brave anything, particularly the beast of facing his biggest regrets.
But now, as his friends cross the threshold of his dorm, his shame weighs on his shoulders like bricks and damn if he doesn’t feel so small.
Changbin grabbed his hand gently, interlacing his pinky with Seungmin’s and nudged him gently toward the door where Hyunjin was taking off his shoes.
I can do this.
He takes a small step forward, testing the air around Changbin’s best friend. The boy looks up at him radiant, with crescents for eyes.
“Minnie! Finally, you’re free from the shackles of your finals!”
And that was all the warning Seungmin got before Hyunjin engulfed him in a hug. He could smell the blonde’s shampoo - fresh and tart like raspberries. And when Hyunjin pulled away he gave him a knowing look, but the smile never left his face. His expression only assured him that everything would be okay.
Hyunjin dropped his hands on Seungmin’s shoulders heavily, staring him in the eye before asking -
“Now where’s the soju?”
Laughter bursted all around them. The innocent question couldn’t hide the fact that Hyunjin was trying to relax him.
Breathe, Minnie , the weight of Hyunjin’s hands on his shoulders said, everything is just fine .
Watching his friends laugh around him and feeling Changbin delicately kiss behind his ear suddenly made Seungmin want to cry. His eyes welled up with tears at the realization.
All his life, he had wanted a faith as solid as concrete. Something unshakable and shatterproof, thinking that surely, once he stops having doubts that he would be happy. But here, in this room with the people that care about him the most, Seungmin realized that the impact had broken both his knees and oh my god was he tired.. This wall of concrete had hidden a life where Seungmin could feel seen and loved - more loved and adored in these few months than he had in his whole life.
He realized he would always have doubts. Whether it be about if he had made the right decision in choosing Changbin, if what he was doing was wrong, or about abandoning his faith when he thought it was the one solid thing he had in his life. But having those doubts, instead of trying to smother them, made him happy. Even though he thought that he might go to Hell and all he worked for in his life might have been for nothing, the fear didn’t crush him. Truly, he was happy.
Gingerly, Changbin brushed his nose against Seungmin’s ear, nosing at the hair there to brush his lips against Seungmin’s cheek.
“Are you okay, Minnie?”
And no one had ever cared so much to ask, in a room full of people with a smile on his face, if Seungmin was okay.
Yes, he thought as he nodded his head before joining the others for karaoke, I’m so okay.
Everyone was way too drunk for the party to proceed. Which was a shame, really, because it was only 11 PM and Seungmin was painfully sober. Even though he was happy, he was still a little anxious about overstepping after his mishap with their friends. His anxiety was baseless, of course, but the knots in his stomach wouldn’t let him drink too much.
Changbin had a pretty pink glow dusting his cheeks, one that appeared mostly after he drank. But he was coming down quickly, only feeling a slight buzz as he began to pick up the soju bottles littered at Hyunjin’s feet. Their friend group was trashed and passed out on any available surface in their living room. Everyone except for Minho, who had left early before things got too chaotic because no one was there to watch his cats, and Chan, who left about an hour ago because he was tired.
Seungmin helped Changbin with trying to make their friends comfortable, lifting their feet onto the couch and placing pillows under their heads. Eventually he left Changbin to gather sheets while he cleaned up the rest of the bottles and plates. From afar, he could see the stretch of fabric across his back as his roommate draped blankets over the others. How his arms squeezed the cuffs of his t-shirt when he raised his hand to brush his hair out of his face. How his broad shoulders joined to the point of his slender waist.
Changbin caught him staring and Seungmin quickly looked away, a blush rising to his cheeks. He honestly could never get tired of staring at him. It felt like now he was looking through a new lens, with new eyes that were allowed to see . And damn did he like what he saw.
As they walked to the hallway of their bedrooms Seungmin grabbed Changbin’s hand before they parted. The elder looked back, confused.
“What’s up?”
And yet again, Seungmin was shy. He found that he’s never been in this position. He’s never really had to ask for what he wanted in any of his relationships. Probably because he has never wanted. His past girlfriends just kind of did things and Seungmin acted accordingly. But with Changbin, he was confused. This whole thing was just so new. With Changbin he wanted.
Changbin must’ve seen something in his face, because instead of asking again, he just tugged Seungmin in his direction before crossing the threshold to his bedroom. His heart started to hammer in his chest. He’d never been in his roommate’s bedroom, like ever.
Whenever they went to the gym, he kind of just stood off to the side when Changbin went to gather his things. And when they went through their argument, he never dared to snoop through his room. He never even went through his drawer in the bathroom. But standing there, with the door shut behind them, Seungmin realized he was afraid.
Changbin looked back at him expectantly as he leaned back onto his bed. His legs spread and his chest expanded when he leaned on the heels of his hands. It looked like his shirt would rip.
“C’mere. Let’s go to bed.”
He could feel the blush on his face deepen. He felt bad, Changbin was probably tired and wanted to go to bed but Seungmin’s mind was racing. He thought of their failed makeout session, how badly Seungmin had wanted to kiss him but messed it up because he couldn’t stop thinking. Honestly, it was just a mouth. A mouth that just so happened to be attached to Changbin, but if he closed his eyes he could just pretend like it was anyone else. Truly, it’s just a kiss.
With a boy. With Changbin.
Christ, his mind was infuriating .
Before he could think any longer, he crossed the room in two long strides. He draped his arms across Changbin’s shoulders and glanced at his eyes before settling on the space between his lips and his nose.
“Can we try something?” He mumbled, softly. The request seemed trapped behind his lips. The boy beneath him looked up, his eyes clouded with something, his lips slightly parted. He looked incredible.
“Anything,” he whispered.
Slowly, Seungmin raised his knee, placing it between Changbin’s legs as he ushered him to lay on his back. He has no idea what he’s doing, just trying to mimic what all the girls in his past have done to him. But Changbin stares at him like there’s nothing else in the world, places his warm hands on his waist like there’s nothing else he’d rather hold. It makes his heart stutter. Once he’s seated on his roommate's lap, he’s acutely aware of just how long his limbs are. Of how warm Changbin’s body is. He can’t escape his stare while being sat on his lap like this. They are just so close and he’s thinking about everything.
Changbin caresses Seungmin’s sides. Sliding up and down before resting on his hips. He fumbles with the hem of his shirt before dipping his thumb underneath, rubbing at Seungmin’s skin slightly. The goosebumps that decorate his skin are embarrassing. It was just his thumb but he felt like his body was a livewire. Slowly, Changbin lowered his hands before they rested firmly on Seungmin’s thighs. They both watched his hands, before looking back up at each other.
“Is this okay?”
Before he could damage the atmosphere with his voice, Seungmin leaned forward, holding himself up by planting his hands on Changbin’s pillows. He could smell the remnants of alcohol in his breath. Could count his lashes if he really tried. He wanted to kiss him so bad. Suddenly, he thought of Hyunjin.
Was this how they started, before Hyunjin ended up beneath him?
The jealousy whipped through him quickly, and he almost pulled back before Changbin grabbed his wrist, keeping him locked in place.
He can’t tell this time if Changbin allows this because he’s a little loose from the festivities of the evening. Yet again he finds himself with racing thoughts, questioning again if Changbin wants to waste his time on him, when he could have someone as experienced as Hyunjin. Could have any other pretty boy in his bed. Someone that was sure, and wasn’t scared of a fucking kiss.
“Don’t worry, I washed my sheets,” Changbin jokes, eyeing him with a smirk on his face. At that Seungmin blushed, turning his face away only for Changbin to grab his chin to make them face each other. The boy beneath him cocked his head to the side, sliding his hand back down to grip Seungmin’s thighs.
“What is it, Min?”
“I just…” Seungmin closed his eyes. What was the problem? Clearly Changbin wanted to be here, he’s the one that dragged Seungmin into his room in the first place. And he let Seungmin sit his tall, lanky, ass on him so obviously he’s not revolted by the idea of him. And yet…Hyunjin’s face is burned into his mind. Of the hickies decorating his neck.
“Do you really want this…with me…you could have anyone else…” his voice was so small, barely above a whisper. He felt so weak, but Changbin makes him feel so unsure. He’s never felt this way before.
“Seungmin–” Changbin gripped his wrist and delicately placed his hand in the middle of his chest. He could feel Changbin’s strong heartbeat, and it was racing. Wild.
“I could have anyone else but I want this with you. I’m so nervous because I want you to be sure–”
“I am sure!” he shouted indignantly.
At that Changbin laughed, but his heart didn’t falter beneath Seungmin’s fingertips. It kept the same, quickened pace. He almost drew back, but Changbin held his hand steady.
“Come here.”
This time, with his other hand, his roommate pulled him impossibly close. Their noses touched, and all Seungmin could do was stare at his mouth. Underneath his palm, Changbin’s heart raced faster.
“I want this with you ,” he mumbled into the space between them, before closing the gap and pressing their lips together.
Seungmin’s mind comes to a screeching halt and all he can feel is how Changbin’s hands travel back to his waist, how his fingers clutch his hips, how he licks his mouth before prying them open with his tongue.
The feeling of Changbin’s tongue in his mouth triggers his body to react and all of a sudden Seungmin can’t get close enough. He rakes his hands across Changbin’s body, feels the ridges and sharp edges of the muscles he’s cultivated after hours in the gym. It blows his mind that he gets to touch Changbin like this. Changbin sighs into his mouth, dragging Seungmin down by his hips and oh, this is new.
Seungmin realizes, belatedly, that Changbin does indeed have a dick, and it’s pressing against his groin. And when Changbin pulls Seungmin’s waist against his, the feeling is electric. He’s never felt that before. He pulls away slightly, panting into Changbin’s mouth. When he opens his eyes he sees Changbin chasing his lips, his eyes fluttering open in his absence. He opens his mouth to speak when Seungmin hesitantly grinds his hips down, his dick pressing painfully against Changbin’s but the reaction is immediate. His roommate’s eyes roll back and his hands clutch Seungmin’s thighs, as if it’s the best thing he’s ever felt.
“Please…again.”
The plea makes Seungmin’s pride swell, could not believe that this could feel good at all. But when he does it again, he has to squeeze his eyes shut and bite his tongue to not let out a moan. It’s as if his dick has never experienced the sensation of friction before. Changbin doesn’t care, and the groan that escapes his mouth is deep. He opens his eyes and looks down at him, leaning down to kiss him again when Changbin pushes him back. He thought he had done something wrong, read it wrong, but then Changbin is tugging him to the side, encouraging them to switch positions.
Now it’s Seungmin laid out beneath him. With Changbin pressing vicious kisses to his neck, biting and nipping, and rubbing his body. It’s so delicious it’s almost unreal. His forbidden fantasy playing out before him. But he’s the one laying in Changbin’s bed. He’s feeling the fluff of his duvet beneath him, can hear his warm breath as he kisses him unforgivingly, sees fireworks behind his eyes and he almost forgets that they’re both fully clothed.
He wraps his legs around Changbin, dragging him closer, sliding his hands underneath Changbin’s shirt. He wants more, more, more. The older grinds down against him and the moan he lets out is down right embarrassing, high pitched and whiny. He thrusts his hips up, to chase the feeling and almost cums in his pants right then and there, if not for Changbin pushing him down. His eyes snap open, immediately crushed with the fear that he did something wrong but Changbin kisses him tenderly, once, twice, three times, before resting his forehead against his.
“We should stop.”
“But why?”
The whine in his voice makes him cringe, but he can’t help it. He’s about to start begging when Changbin pulls away to sit back on his knees but the sight before him makes the words die in his throat. His roommate’s hair is mussed beyond repair, his lips swollen and red, the collar of his shirt stretched out, and he’s gasping for air. He looks like a dream, and Seungmin wants to burn himself alive when his dick jumps at just this. Changbin presses his knee against Seungmin’s erection, laughs when the younger hisses out.
“Because you’re not ready,” immediately Seungmin wants to argue but Changbing keeps going before he can even try, “And when you cum because of me , it’s not gonna be with our friends passed out in our living room, or with your mind wondering if I still want you or not.” His thoughts cease. He doesn’t even realize that his roommate has passed him PJs, or that he’s standing and not sitting in his lap.
Changbin takes his pants off followed by his shirt, doesn’t even try to hide the fact that there is an obvious tent in his boxers before sliding into bed behind Seungmin. He tries to ignore the feeling of his dick pressing against his ass.
“There’s no need to rush, Min,” he says before kissing the nape of his neck, “We have all the time in the world.”
Trying to figure out how to behave around Changbin now that they’ve kissed and rubbed tips proved itself to be difficult. Ever since the night of the party, when Seungmin looks at his roommate he gets flashbacks of how needy he was and of the feeling of their bodies pressed against each other. Changbin just takes the piss out of him, teasing him about how he’s acting every chance he gets. He wants to be annoyed but really it just makes Seungmin laugh every time.
And he’s grateful that he can navigate this with Changbin alongside him, because he feels like a dumbass otherwise.
As the days pass, every action between them feels charged with mischief. He can’t help but think of the feeling of Changbin’s lips on his when he swipes his bottom lip with his teeth when he thinks. He wonders much too belatedly if this is what it feels like to fall. But the thought scares him too much. He doesn’t entertain it for days after.
Every night before bed, he doesn’t know if he should ask Changbin if they should sleep together, but Changbin either plants himself on Seungmin’s tiny bed or drags him to his bedroom without even asking. When classes start up again, he’s immensely distracted. His brain is consumed with thoughts of Changbin, what they are and what this means for him.
His grades drop, not by much, but enough to make Changbin worry. He threatens to go stay with Hyunjin and Seungmin thinks he’s cruel for that one. Changbin makes it clear it’s just an empty threat, when he instead just chooses to sleep in his own room until Seungmin focuses on school.
Exploring this new side of him ends up taking a back seat. He finds that Changbin was right. That they do have time. There was no need to rush. Weeks go by and the burning desire he had to figure everything out is quelled by Changbin’s soft touches.
A gentle press of lips to his forehead. The swift touch of his hand as he massages Seungmin’s calves. The warmth of his body when he hugs him close. His lashes brushing his nape as they fall asleep. Every moment shared, filing itself away into his cells, making it all feel familiar rather than foreign.
Safe instead of scary.
During spring break, Seungmin goes home. He hates it. He feels like he regresses, and all the progress he and Changbin made disappears with every look his parents give him. It’s like they can see right through him, even though they’ve done nothing but shower him with praises. They’re so proud of their son. For making dean’s list, for deciding to start working out ( “Goodness, Seungmin, you’re becoming a fine young man. Any young lady would be pleased to have you.” ). Every hug makes him flinch and every conversation makes him feel wrong.
He feels trapped in his skin, plagued by feelings of guilt every night he turns in for the evening. Changbin calls him every night. Just when he feels like he’s had enough for the day, just when he thinks he can’t take it anymore. Hearing his staticky voice over the line feels like a breath of fresh air, but the cross nailed to his wall makes him feel guilty for finding solace in his words.
He cries quietly over the phone every time Changbin calls. He feels like a buzzkill, like the worst partner in this thing Changbin agreed to figure out with him.
But then spring break ends. And he cries his first night back in his dorm. Changbin never brings that week up when they hang out again.
It’s Thursday night, a blessing of a four day weekend.
He looks through lidded eyes around the older’s room, with the moody lighting, big computer monitors, and slightly ruffled bed he currently lays in.
He squeezes his eyes shut, draws in a sharp intake of breath, as he feels his roommate kiss down his sternum. His shirt is tucked painfully under his chin, his skin sticky with sweat from the warm breeze that flows in the window. He can’t imagine that the taste is pleasant, but when he opens his eyes to gaze down at Changbin, he sees a gorgeous blush decorating his cheeks, his tongue sliding down Seungmin’s slender abdomen. He feels adored.
He trails kisses down, down, down. The tip of his nose dipping into his belly button when he kisses just above the waistband of his sweats. His heart gallops at a pace that should be unhealthy, the phantom anxiety treading in his veins. Changbin looks up at him, his pupils blowing his irises away, licks his lips and touches delicately at the string barely holding his pants up.
“Can we try something?” He whispered, the ghost of Seungmin’s words echoing in his brain and he nods fervently. “Anything,” he mimics.
His assent frees the shackles on Changbin’s hands, the loop coming free quickly and his pants dropping at double the speed. The warm air feels cold as it kisses his blazing skin. He wants to be embarrassed at the fact that his painfully hard dick is just out in the open with another man staring at it for the first time ever. Is it big enough? Is it too big? Is it ugly?
The thoughts assault him immediately and just when he’s about to tell Changbin to stop, he feels foolish. The older presses his warm mouth around his dick entirely, and the heat is too much it’s just too much. His jaw goes slack just as his brain short circuits with the realization that Changbin , with his broad shoulders and biceps bigger than Seungmin’s head, is sucking my dick.
He squeezes the duvet, the plush material collapsing instantly under his grip. He dares to look; the image makes his eyes roll back into his head until just the whites show.
Changbin looks anything but submissive, his shoulders square as he bobs on Seungmin’s cock. Saliva dribbles down his chin and his left hand works the rest of the length he can’t reach. It’s hot it’s so fucking hot and surely, this can’t be wrong.
Not when Seungmin sees Changbin worshiping his weeping cock like there’s nothing else he would rather do right now. He wants to stretch the moment out into forever, he’s never felt so good in his life. His orgasm chases him much too soon and the tears prick his eyes as rushed “No please, please, please, I’m gonna cum”s spill out of his mouth.
He glances down at Changbin one more time, to tell him to slow down when he sees his roommate’s hand disappear into his own pants. The unmistakable bouncing under fabric of him stroking himself, makes Seungmin topple over. He spurts deep into Changbin’s throat as the tears spill over, wave after wave flushing him down to his toes and he swears he almost cums again when he sees Changbin’s hips stutter. Feels the vibrations in his throat when he groans as he cums. Seungmin is delirious at the fact that he came in his pants just because he was sucking Seungmin off.
He has never felt so wanted. He feels the floor disappear beneath his feet when he feels Changbin gently pull up his pants, feels the soft press of his lips, he can’t hear anything but his blood in his ears–
I'm falling.
The admission consumes his mind until he’s unable to think of anything else. He is falling for Changbin so hard that he doesn’t know how he lived his life without him. He’s scared, thinks it’s much too soon that it has to be the post-orgasm glow, but the fact that the thought doesn’t cause him crippling anxiety doesn’t let him feel anything but relieved. Unable to banish the thought from whence it came, he flushed a deep shade of pink and hugged the boy from behind after he returned back to the warm bed.
It was entirely too hot in the warm May breeze to be clutching Changbin this close to his chest. But the warmth doesn’t bother him. He just kisses the nape of Changbin’s neck, where his hair meets skin and revels in the feeling of being admired.
“I like you a lot, Seungmin.”
Me too.
Time feels like his enemy when the next school year starts. He can’t believe there’s already only three years left in his college career. Anyone else would be celebrating but Seungmin kind of wants to fail all his classes and drag his entire group of friends with him so they can just add more time to their impending graduation.
Changbin and he remained roommates, thankfully, and Seungmin convinced his parents to let him spend the summer at Minho’s apartment. With some bullshit lie (that he turned into a truth) about a summer internship. For all his faults, Seungmin cannot stay a liar for very long, finding some way to turn his white lies into raging nonfiction.
Spending the summer with Minho truly seemed to prove a curse in disguise. Sometime between reconciling with the friend group to his first ever male blowjob (cue the clown music), Minho and Chan turned into a Thing. The day Minho tells him, Seungmin thought he was going to fling himself into the Sun. The first thing he does is tell Changbin (“Are you kidding me, Seung? You see a guy’s dick once and all of a sudden you tell him everything. Is there no privacy?”).
Minho assures him it’s just a fling, because his partner in crime is still hung up on Felix. Seungmin learns that Chan has been pining over Felix ever since they met in high school back in Australia. Chan thinks this will make Felix jealous enough to act, Minho thinks it’ll blow up in his face and just wants to fuck. Seungmin doesn’t know what to make of the situation so Changbin tells Minho that any information about that fiasco Seungmin learns moving forward is strictly information garnered on a Need to Know basis. Thankfully the barrage of texts from Minho dwindles after that.
He becomes surprisingly close with Hyunjin, who he finds out has a minor in biology and works at the very clinic Seungmin is interning at. All his lunch breaks are dedicated to Hyunjin sweeping him away and talking his ear off. These months of learning how to navigate his deepest self has caused his skin-deep crush on the blonde to fade. Especially after spending every waking hour with him, the only thing he likes about Hyunjin is that he’s dependable and funny. And always insists on paying for lunch. Listen, Seungmin is only human and he won’t look a gift horse in the face or whatever the fuck.
The summer passed in a blur, with every day after his internship being spent in Changbin’s studio nearby. To avoid hearing Minho and Chan and also because he’s addicted to Changbin. Eventually he knows much more about music theory than he does about amino acids and he’s failing to find an issue with that.
For all their push and pull and everything he knows about Minho’s sex life - Changbin refuses to go any further with Seungmin. He keeps saying that he’s not ready and he laments this to Hyunjin.
“He’s just trying to take it slow, you know he’s never done this before.”
“Yeah well it’s just sex!”
“Is it really, Minnie? I know you don’t believe that.”
And really Hyunjin is right. For all he’s done - Seungmin has never had sex. And he thinks the reason he pushes Changbin is because the hurdles they’ve jumped terrify him. It’s not that he’s a prude or anything but he’s just never felt obsessed enough with the body in front of him to want to stick his dick in it. He was religious but he was also a teenager. Who maybe didn’t like girls. Whatever .
It’s why when the night finally comes and Seungmin finds himself amidst Changbin’s plush sheets yet again, he surprises himself when he tells Changbin he doesn’t want him to suck him off. It’s not enough. He’s fallen past this point. He’s scared and he doesn’t know if this is right, but with Changbin he wants.
“Please I just need more, I need more, I want-”
“Shh, Seungmin. I know.”
“But you won’t,” the tears well in his eyes before he can stop them. “I’m ready! Please just, please, I want you..”
The look Changbin gives him is down right pitiful and it makes Seungmin want to die.
“Don’t make me beg again, don’t say no, please…”
“Seungmin, it’s me. I’m not ready.”
“Do you not want me…?”
Changbin looks down at the tent in his sweats and looks back at Seungmin. That delicious scarlet dusts his cheeks and his eyes are black, no - Changbin wants. And yet-
“I’m not ready for you to fuck me. Your first time is not going to be bottoming Seungmin, be so serious.”
The fight died on his tongue and Changbin laughed as he pulled both their pants down.
“Don’t look so sad. I’m excited for one,” he drizzled a generous amount of lube on both of them, gripping them tight in his hands. The drag turned Seungmin’s mind into mush, “You’re enormous I don’t think I’ve ever taken someone this big.” A part of him died at Changbin’s words, couldn’t tell if he was just trying to rile him up.
“Can’t wait to feel you in my throat. Fuck, Min.” The anticipation curled in his gut and truthfully, he couldn’t wait either.
With Changbin beneath him like this, his cheeks flushed red, the breath rushing out of his mouth so fast he’s afraid he might pass out, he wishes he had waited longer. Wished he wasn’t so impatient. He’s terrified, of the shining gem plugging Changbin up, of the way he looks at Seungmin like he’s holding his bleeding heart in his palms, of the way his stomach jumps at the thought of moving forward.
“It’s okay, Seungmin, it’s going to feel good just–fuck–do what you want.”
He presses on the plug, testing Changbin’s limits, if only to prolong the inevitable. Fucks him with the plug a bit, just to see the glorious way his eyes roll back into his head. He’s so scared but when he chances a look at Changbin one more time, at the utter devotion in his eyes he knows he can take the plunge. He’s so willing to do it with him and so glad that it’s not anyone else.
Changbin guides him through it, tells him how much lube he wants (a lot), how he likes to start (fast), and when to go in (now). He follows, diligently. And when he finally, finally , presses in he almost blacks out. The feeling is so tight, so warm, the glide so smooth, he feels like they’re going to be stuck like this forever. Could never conceive that–
“Fuck..it feels…so good,” he gasps.
He twitches once he’s fully seated but jumps at the way Changbin clenches around him. Immediately, he pulls out and slams home again, it punches a groan out of them both. He tries it short and quick, deep and slow trying to find the angle that makes Changbin wrap his legs around his slender waist, that makes his heels dig into the small of his back. When the tears gather at the seam of Changbin’s eyes, Seungmin is gone. So so gone, he chases his orgasm, dives head first. He’s falling so fucking fast.
“It’s so good, you’re so good, Changbin, it feels so good.”
“Maybe,” he sucks in a breath, keens at the feeling, “ it’s because it’s with me.”
Seungmin leans down, doesn’t slow his pace, caresses Changbin’s round cheeks. Swipes at his warm tears. He tenderly kisses his lips and the electricity that whips down his spine is addicting.
It’s absolutely because it’s with you.
He looks at Changbin watching the crappy show in front of him, at how his nose crinkles when he laughs, how his lopsided smile never leaves his face, how his veins line his arms especially when he wraps them around Seungmin. He’s trying to focus on the words on the page in front of him. On the book that has caused him to beg Changbin several times over to stop bothering him so he can read it. But he’s so distracted.
Even after months of this thing between them, he can’t shake the shadow of guilt that follows him. Can’t help but feel the shame of God’s watchful eye. He’s unsure if he should even turn to Him after everything. If he even has that right, considering just how much he has sinned. After falling for Changbin day after day, after laying in his bed night after night, after letting him in his heart now and maybe forever.
And maybe this is a phase, maybe he’s just young, maybe God really can forgive him for all this and maybe there’s absolutely nothing that he needs to be forgiven for.
“Think you can let go of the book and gimme a kiss? I’m feeling neglected.”
Let go, he thinks.
“You gotta let it go, Minnie.”
He remembers the ghost of Changbin’s words when he left. After that horrific argument. Letting go. Maybe letting go of the self-hatred, of his parents' opinions, of what he should do versus what he wants to do - maybe this will free him of this guilt.
Maybe this is the word of God. Letting go, and realizing that in the end, he is still him. The same boy he was when he was in middle school, just as lost but learning.
Letting go.
Yeah, he’s learning to do just that.
He can’t even remember what that damn rope feels like.
“Hellooooo, Seungmin, I'm dying. Please let that thing go.”
Seungmin smiles, closing his book, surely this is something he can do.
So I let it go.