Alpha and O'Meta (Mark Zuckerberg × Barack Obama)

by koolrammers

Summary:

After Barack and Michelle Obama have a nasty falling out, the former president meets a dashing young (?) lizard man while on a midlife crisis trip to NYC. The trouble is- there's more to Mark Zuckerberg than meets the bright blue orbs, and Obama falls head over heels for him before he even knows what he's in for!

Chapter 1

Barack stood in the center of Times Square, looking at the building with his image plastered across it providing light to the city goers as they went busily about their lives.

He watched as people rushed around him in droves, paying attention to their smiles shared with their friends or even with passersby.

Overcome with emotion, Obama turned away and walked with his head down all the way back to the hotel where he was staying.

He'd be remiss if he spent his whole trip to New York City thinking about Michelle.

After a brief interaction with a 'fan"-if you will- in the lobby, the former president took the elevator up to the top floor.

He wasn't paying too much attention to his surroundings and was quite engrossed in the music blasting in his brand new airpods (Vampire Empire by Big Thief).

Because of this, Obama almost missed the beauty of a man who entered the elevator a floor before his stop.

Even without being able to hear the elevator muzak, Barack was stunned by the outstanding lipsync performance of the absolute stud standing before him.

It was as if the world was moving in slow motion- the winner of the 2008 and 2012 elections watched as the beauty's face contorted to match each word of the song perfectly, making art of each syllable.

Just as Obama was about to say something, the elevator jolted to a standstill and revealed the ugly hallway outside.

He stumbled out and turned around to face the gorgeous creature, who, instead of staying in the elevator as he suspected, sauntered out towards him.

"This is for the snakes and the people they bite..." the beauty began in a sultry tone, circling Barack with the pace of a Victoria's Secret Angel. "For the friends I've made, for the sleepless nights..."

Obama snapped out of his trance.

"That's Michelle's favorite song..."

The creature slipped in front of him, eyes blinking sideways and a sly smile painting its face. Barack noticed the elevator music was some kind of imitation club music, nothing at all like the Front Bottoms...

"What's that song? Who are you?" Are you single?

Okay, that last one was in his head.

The creature tilted its head down and looked up at him through its eyebrows.
"That ssssong..." it hissed, "was Literal Legend by Ayesha Erotica, my favorite musical artissssst." It paused, looking away.

"And? Who are you?" Barack asked again.

After a considerable silence, it spoke again. "I am Mark."

Obama scoffed and marched away. As bewitched as he'd been initially, he had no time for games.

Mark strutted up beside him, matching his speed perfectly. "Mark Zuckerberg. That's what they all call me. I thought you'd want to know that name before the name I call myself."

Slowing down, the former president looked the man-creature in the eye. He seemed genuine.

"I know the name," Obama said, "but you don't seem to like it."

Mark looked at the floor.

"C'mon, I want to know."

He looked back up at Barack shamefully, his once otherworldly and confident posture having slumped to one of the type of person who'd invent Facebook.

"I go by Zuck Thunderfuck 3000 now," Zuck muttered.

Obama smiled warmly, tilting the other man's chin up to face him. "That's a beautiful name."

Suddenly, it seemed that his own lungs were collapsing in on themselves, and Barack fell to the grimy carpeted hallway floor, hitting his head and passing out.

Chapter 2

Drip

Drip

Drip

"Huzzah!" Obama exclaimed, waking with a start.

He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand- whatever has been dripping was evidently directly overhead.

But how could it have been? Looking around, all Barack saw was hot pink quartz and cold marbled floors. God, was it cold!

He shivered, both in fear and from the temperature, trying to figure out how he'd gotten here.

Of course, after Michelle he'd found himself waking up in a lot of strange places...but this...this was different, he knew it.

For one, he was clothed.

His confusion didn't continue much longer when from out of the depths of the impossibly dark corner in the far reaches of the room strutted Zuck Thunderfuck 3000.

He was holding a fleece blanket and a mug of Magic Warming Elixir. Thank the heavens!

"Sorry, I forgot you can't survive in the conditions of my home without some help," Zuck explained guiltily.

"Oh, it's alright...I was just wondering what happened?" Obama asked, rubbing his head as a convenient reminder of his prior head injury.

The creature man sat down on the...pod...that Obama had been laid down on, handing him the items.

"Well when you passed out," he began while flinging his long hair over his shoulder and checking his makeup in a compact mirror, "we were right next to my penthouse, so I brought you inside until you woke up. Simple as that."

As if on cue, Heat Waves (Stripped Back) by the Glass Animals started playing distantly. Obama looked lovingly up into the man's face, simultaneously missing Michelle and being excited to get to know him better.

How can someone so inhuman make him feel so completely human?

No one had been so caring to Obama since.....

The bell rings and everyone files out of class.

Everyone except for one, that is. 16 year old Barack Obama. It wasn't that he wanted to stay, he simply hadn't registered the bell. Lost in thought, he stared out the window.

"Mr. Obama?" He snapped out of it to see the teacher standing over him, concerned. "Are you alright? The bell rang." Barack nodded frantically while trying to gather his things to leave.

"Sorry, I guess I was just daydreaming."

That wasn't too far off- he was dreaming of a cuntry under his rule, a lizard man by his side....

"Mr. Obama, this is the 9th time this week you've done this. And you're only in this class 3 times a week!" The teacher told him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

The future president looked down at his feet, not entirely aware of his own sanity at the moment. "I'm alright, sir. Thank you for worrying, one day I'm sure I'll pardon you for horrendous crimes."

The teacher looked around nervously. "Yeah...no problem. Yknow, I had dreams like yours once. Ones that distracted me from real life..." he turned his head slowly to look out the window.

"Sir?" Obama watched him stare for a few more seconds before running out to catch his bus.

The former president looked back at Zuck. His kindness brought him back to simpler times, before his presidency, before Michelle and Malia and Sasha...

Obama leaned in towards the lizard man, expecting the coolness of his skin to meet the warmth of his, but instead was thrown back into the far wall with as much force as it would take to end a small child's life.

Zuck was crouching low and hissing, eyes flitting about wildly as he skittered to higher ground.

"Zuck! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"CADILLAC! YOU HAVE A CADILLAC!"

"...what"

"I DONT FUCK IN CADILLACS"

"OKAY?! THAT IS NOT WHERE THIS WAS GOING, ZUCK!!!"

"Oh, okay." The lizard man crawled down to the floor and sat back down on the pod as if nothing had happened.

Obama shook his head and laughed to himself, smirking. How did he find such a man?

Chapter 3

Ever since inventing Facebook as a prank on society, Mark Zuckerberg had been searching for something else to complete his long and fantastical life.

Today, he needn't look much further than the man before him. Obama had everything Mark had ever wanted in a man- grey hair, a wife and kids, and power over a country.

He'd spotted the former president from across the lobby- scowling when he saw someone else with his attention.

The lizard man began his run up to the 12th floor. He had a plan.

Of course he got there within 30 seconds, so he had plenty of time to touch up his makeup and hair in one of the hallway mirrors while waiting for the elevator.

Ding

The elevator doors slid open to reveal the face Mark wanted to see every day for the rest of his life. He made sure to walk as cuntily as he could before striking a pose in the center of the space.

Then began the lipsyncing. Using 7% of his earthly power, the lizard man began throwing his face into wild yet controlled contortions.

"I can be your Lindsay Lohan, I can be Madonna..."

He knew Barack was watching him- how could he not? The former president was nearly drooling at Mark's performance. The elevator whirred to a stop just as the song was nearly over.

Mark followed Obama into the hallway as he left, circling him and singing softly.
Barack muttered something to himself before saying "What's that song? Who are you?"

Just then, Mark felt his consciousness fading as he explained to the former president his life story. His spirit flew back into his skull, crashing against the moist wall of his cranium. Ouch!

He watched as his evil twin consciousness, Zuck Thunderfuck 3000, flew out to the front of their shared lizard vessel's brain. Gadzooks! And right in the middle of a conversation with his everlasting love, too!

There was nothing Mark could do though, so he sat in the middle of the moist brain cave and sang a sad rendition of Kitty Kat by Megan Thee Stallion.

...

"UAGH!" Mark screamed as he was again torn from his spot and thrown back into control of his vessel.

He looked down at the unconscious body of the once great president.

"Double u tee eff!"

He assumed the worst. Falling onto the floor, he checked to make sure Obama was still breathing- sighing and bursting into sobs that lasted millennia but stopped within seconds when he felt the rise and fall of Barack's chest.

Winner by Conan Gray began playing loudly as Mark kneeled beside his unconscious love and dramatically collected himself.

The man lizard swished his long hair and rolled his eyes, switching his mental soundtrack to something more appropriate. Party At A Rich Dude's House.

He vogued all the way across the city to his Facebook penthouse while effortlessly carrying Obama with one hand. Life is much more fun if you're Mark Zuckerberg.

Once in the safety of his own terrarium and with Barack comfortably resting on the main pod, Mark decided to hold counsel with his evil, more alien side.

Zuck....

Yess Mark?

What did you do to him.

Why? Are you upset because he liked me more?

You know that's not true- he doesn't know the difference between us.

He will eventually.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Mark shut off communication with his twin for the moment. He didn't care to find out what he'd done anymore, he just needed to care for Barack.

He wiped off his drool pooling on the president's forehead that his empty vessel had leaked during the mind conversation with his counterpart.

Slipping off to the corner of the room, Mark grabbed some things to help Obama acclimate to the cool climate of his home.

When he turned around, his love had awakened! Finally! Mark smiled wide and sauntered back over to him, explaining the situation.

Just as he'd finished his explanation, he noticed a look in Barack's eye that he'd never encountered in any mortal before. He couldn't place it, but he liked it.

As he was pondering what it could mean, Mark noticed Obama was leaning in...

He was abruptly pulled back into the mind cave, hearing the evil cackle of his twin hurling towards consciousness as he screamed to be let back into control.

Chapter 4

Notes:

Weakest chapter tbh

Barack Obama could safely say he loved Zuck. But sometimes he had to admit, it felt like he was dating 2 different people.

3 if you count Michelle.

But in a weird way, he loved both sides of the lizard man. The snake-like, hissing baddie that cares about material things like Cadillacs, and the sweet side- the one that brings him blankets.

It was how fast he would change that Barack loved most, though. With his wife, everything was so predictable. Childhood obesity this, school lunches that. For YEARS. But with him...

The first time Obama had really noticed was on their first official date; they'd planned a black-tie trip to McDonalds.

As an old Taylor Swift song blared over the crappy speakers, they stared into each other's eyes over a basket of fries.

"Honey...were you born this powerful?" the former president asked in awe.

"Depends on what you mean by 'born...'" Mark looked at him blankly.

Obama raised an eyebrow. "Well...what do YOU mean?"

After a long pause, the lizard man began. "Well I've lived the life of every person who has ever lived. Once I completed that journey through hundreds of thousands of years and all the wonderful and horrible human experiences of the past and of the future, I hatched from an egg in the Amazon; a new being. I now have free reign within and outside of the rules of time and space- and I chose this life to find you."

A shining tear ran steadily down the former president's face. "Really?" he choked up.

Mark stared at him lovingly.

"I- I didn't know you would d-do that for me, I j-just thought it was perfect chance-"

"HA! As ifff!" Zuck yelled obnoxiously.

Obama paused. "W-what? But-"

"Oh puh-lease," he pulled a bedazzled watermelon cantaloupe elf bar from behind Barack's ear and inhaled the entire thing all at once. "You really think I'd actually do that? HO-NEEY, I- aACK-

Zuck choked on his words.

"Oh lordy of the great and pearliest heavens! Are you okay, dear?" Obama asked, concerned but reserved in his hurt from Zuck's words.

Mark nodded to the former president, but looked away, tears filling his eyes.

Barack didn't offer words of comfort. As much as he loved the inventor of Facebook, he also knew when he was being manipulated.

Instead of his usual girl boss self, Mark had shrunk to a frail man. His body was wracked with sobs as he melted into the filthy cloth seat adorned with cartoons of the Fry Guys and Early Bird.

After 3 hours, he finally sat up and looked at Obama. "I'm...sorry. I wasn't myself. I promise you, as Mark, that I did choose to spend my ascension with you, Barack Hussein Obama II."

"Wh- as Mark? I thought you didn't use that name?" the former president said, confused.

"I...use both. Sometimes I feel cuntier than normal. It's a spectrum. " Mark shifted awkwardly in his seat.

Obama had to admit, the lizard man looked exhausted. It was hard for him to see Mark that way, and as much as he disliked that particular mood swing, he was always grateful for spontaneity.

"Okay...Mark. But please, when you say something, mean it. Otherwise this won't work out."

The lizard man nodded, immediately regaining his normal confident posture and baddie face. "Of course. After all, an ascended being doesn't choose another life of mortality just to lose his purpose."

Obama smiled warmly, taking a bite of his McChicken.

Chapter 5

As soon as the White House rooster crowed, Michelle Obama was up and at 'em. And as per usual, as soon as she'd had her coffee she sat down to work on eliminating childhood obesity.

It was every day for 7 years. Day in, day out.

On the 8th year, Michelle decided she'd had enough. Turning on her favorite Mother Mother song, she took a long look at her reflection in the ornate mirror Barack had bought her for their last anniversary.

Scoffing, she took her lucky broken piece of glass and hacked her hair into aggressive long side bangs and choppy layers. Then she SLAMMED a jug of bleach onto her vanity and painted raccoon tails everywhere she saw fit.

The first lady took a needle to her face- piercing at random and not flinching once.

As Michelle admired her new look (complete with skinny jeans and as many belts as she could find), she still felt as if something was off.

Ah! That's it!

Snatching up her eyeliner, Michelle smeared it haphazardly around her eyes.

Perfect.

...

Muffled music blared outside the doors of the Oval Office. President Obama looked up from his desk just in time to see the doors bust open...

"I WAS LOST, NOW I'M FOUND, I'M SUSTAINED BY THE SOUND OF THE ANGELS SINGING ME TO SLEEP WHILE MY FEET ARE LEAVING THE GROUND"

Although he could only see her silhouette, Barack knew it was Michelle.

"AM I DEAD OR AM I DREAMING INSTEAD? A CORNUCOPIA OF OPIATES HAVE FLOODED MY HEAD"

Light dramatically shone through the windows of the Office and hit the first lady's face only to be absorbed by the darkness of her eyeliner. Barack watched in horror as she sang her song the entire way through, hating every second of what he was seeing.

After a freaking wicked guitar solo, Michelle smiled at her husband. "So? How do you like my new look?"

"Uh...Michelle..." Obama didn't know what to say. The truth was, he was worried for her sanity. Up until this point he had been firmly against lobotomies, but this made him question if they might really be for the best.

The first lady tapped her foot anxiously as she waited for a response. For her this would make or break their relationship; would he accept her as she was or refuse to allow change?

"Michelle...I just...what happened?" the president said feebly.

Okay, that was all she needed to hear. Michelle Obama propelled herself into a kick and flew across the room- the sole of her knee high converse like a heat seeking missile toward her husband's face.

Before her shoes could complete their mission, however, the secret service agents that had been watching in amazement jumped in front of the president and absorbed the blow themselves.

POP

What once had surely looked like 4 men in suits was now a pile of red sludge and torn fabric at the first lady's feet. She scoffed and glanced down at the ooze for only a moment before refocusing on Barack, who was sobbing hysterically at this point.

Michelle watched her husband for a moment. He was so helpless. The thrill of the hunt was lost.

She turned and trudged out of the Office, leaving red footprints in her wake. She turned back only once. Obama hadn't even noticed she'd gone.

...

After that the two didn't see each other often, save a few press conferences. Michelle had moved on to greater things.

She'd started a band- a ragtag bunch of misfits called The Great Pestilence. Because of the notoriety of its band members, the band quickly rose to fame and conquered the charts with their hit single, Dip Spit (Oh Yeah).

On the day Trump was elected, the band gained a new member- a hot blonde that went by the name of Rotten Avalanche (previously known as Hillary Clinton).

So on and so forth until the band was filled to the brim with controversial politicians, celebrities, and CEOs.

One night during the final leg of The Great Pestilence World Tour (ft. Hollywood Undead, ABBA, and The Front Bottoms), Michelle got a notification on her sparkly red flip phone.

A tweet from her estranged husband- a picture of him and a strangley uncanny yet beautiful man captioned "Having fun with my honey! #BaeGoals"

With a loud shatter that could be heard throughout the chattering concert venue of over 500,000 people, Michelle crushed her phone in her hand.

A hush fell over the crowd as the former first lady stormed out on stage.

"YOU ALL KNOW MY HUSBAND"

Cries of joy and distaste alike filled the hall.

"BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF WHAT HE CONDEMNED ME TO," she continued to the audience's confused murmurs. "HE TRAPPED ME IN AN ENDLESS CYCLE OF PUBLICITY...AND NOW WHAT DOES HE DO? GIVE ME A BEAT!"

The crowd stirred as Ellen Degeneres began a little ditty on her GIGANTIC drum set.

"YOUR FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA...IS ON A DATE RIGHT NOW! RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT!"

Screams of shock and horror from even the furthest reaches of the venue rang out as Matt Rife joined in on the bass.

"GET OUT YOUR PHONES! CHECK YOUR TWITTER! ALL OF YOU!" Michelle roared over the screeches of fury now rising from the newly formed mosh pit.

"It's called X now," Elon Musk remarked sheepishly while playing the most insane guitar riff that anyone could ever hear.

"ALTHOUGH I NO LONGER ASSOCIATE WITH MY HUSBAND, AS LONG AS WE BOTH ARE WED I AM FAITHFUL! NEVER ONCE HAVE I GLANCED IN THE WRONG DIRECTION, AND NEVER WILL I UNTIL IT IS OFFICIAL!"

At this point the crowd was losing their minds. How could he? Michelle was the heartthrob of the U.S. with her iconic style and killer voice- who would DARE cheat? And with HIM? That...THING?!

The mosh pit killed 9 people that night.

Chapter 6

Notes:

Next part will be a continuation of this specific night in the story but I didn't want to keep writing so it ends kind of randomly

Barack Obama twirled around his room, grinning ear to ear. His whole life felt like a dream.

After he'd gotten used to the whole Mark/Zuck split personality thing, their relationship had flourished and only left rubble in its wake.

The former president hadn't even thought of his wife or kids in over a year! He was on top of the world. Until...

Ring ring

Barack stopped his euphoric twirling to step into his personal telephone booth. "Uh, hello?"

"Barack."

Even after all this time, he remembered her voice.

"Holy merlin...Michelle?" He spoke her name- a now unfamiliar word in his mouth.

"Check your mail."

Click

Obama wasted no time hanging the phone back up and parkouring to the mailbox.

He threw his long luscious honey gold hair (it was natural, his newfound happiness made it grow 4 feet in a year) over his shoulder and carefully opened the box's door. The smell of vanilla and cherry blossoms wafted from his gorgeous locks as he read each letter, looking for Michelle's name.

After 30 minutes of searching, Barack threw up the mail in frustration. How could it not be here?

He looked closer inside the mailbox. Sticking his entire head in, Obama peered around in confusion.

Suddenly, with a swift "svvvip" and the closing of the mailbox door, he was hurdling through the brightest and most indescribable, unimaginable place that he'd ever seen! His ethereal shining hair flew out mystically around him as he was thrown through this abyss of pure light.

And with a little pop he was back on Earth.

Obama stumbled and swung his arms around wildly to get his balance back. "Woaaaah!"

Once he'd steadied himself and thrown his cascading golden tresses into a messy bun, he noticed the woman standing directly in front of him...and the thousands of people behind her. Barack squinted as he peered through his fingers up at the stage lights blaring into his face.

"Michelle, what is-"

She turned to face the audience behind her.

"THOSE AT MY LAST SHOW WILL KNOW WHAT THIS HALF WIT CRETIN DID TO ME..."

The sweet sounds of a smooth saxophone started from center stage, played by none other than Abby Lee Miller.

"WHAT DID HE DO, MICHELLE?" the audience bellowed in return.

Barack watched in horror but also boogied a little to the solo Abby Lee was performing. Where was he? How did Michelle get him here? Who were all these people?

"THIS MAN," she began, "YOUR FORMER PRESIDENT...WENT ON A DATE WITH FACEBOOK/META CEO MARK ZUCKERBERG."

Jumping at the cries of agony and fury from the audience, Obama stood up to his full height of 4'5 and looked into Michelle's void-like, jet black orbs. She'd turned to face him again and black tears streamed down her face as she looked down at him.

A rush of emotions hit the former president as he realized the pain he'd been putting his wife through. And to think he'd never even had another thought about her since that 3rd date with Zuck...

"Do you love him, Barack?" Michelle's voice shook as she asked.

Obama looked back at the audience- all jeering at him. He thought for a moment before saying, "Yes. I do love him Michelle..." he paused, taking a microphone from a nearby stand and pulling the hairtie out of his bun, hair falling gracefully down to his ankles. "I do love Mark. But honey..."

As if on cue, Elon got his guitar and looked at Barack expectantly. The former president nodded at him and the CEO quickly signaled to the rest of the band members.

With a start, the group was playing a perfect rendition of a song they'd never practiced-

"Can't count the years on one hand that we've been together," Barack started with a grin. "I need the other one to hold you, make you feel, make you feel better!"

The band looked on in awe as Obama threw himself forward to face the audience. "It's not a walk in the park to love each other..." He knelt down dramatically. "BUT WHEN OUR FINGERS INTERLOCK, CAN'T DENY, CAN'T DENY, YOU'RE WORTH IT!"

By this point, the audience had lightened up and was hesitantly enjoying the show. Ellen was really going to town on her drum set and Matt Rife was trying to keep a smile from interrupting his mewing streak. Michelle had frozen in shock and wasn't sure how to react. She'd spent so long resenting her husband for moving on, but maybe...maybe he hadn't after all.

"Cause after all this time," Obama stood back up and looked into Michelle's eyes, his expression serious and presidential.

"I'm still into you."

The former first lady's breath caught. She snatched the microphone from his hand and turned back to the crowd, smile as wide as it was long.

"I SHOULD BE OVER ALL THE BUTTERFLIES! I'M INTO YOU!"