I try to picture me without you but I can't

by solarpower21

Summary:

After Dan's tragic death, Phil starts having a bunch of strange dreams where he is still alive. But are they really just dreams?

Or: Phil's s̶o̶u̶l̶ consciousness can't cope with Dan's death, so he starts hopping between different universes, trying to look for him.

Chapter 1: I saw you in a dream

Notes:

Hi and welcome to a story that I've had in my mind for literal years!

I've always wanted to write a fic about weird dreams/universe hopping, but I never got around to doing it. (Until now!) You're welcome!

Disclaimer: this is by no means an original idea, I read a lot of fics with this concept but I always wanted to write my own, as I said, so I hope that it's not too similar to other works and that my own take on the idea will make it enjoyable enough for you to read :)

The title of the fic is from "Immortals" - Fall Out Boy
The title of chapter 1 is from "I saw you in a dream" - The Japanese House

#1293

"Tell me more about these dreams."

Phil shifts uncomfortably in his chair. His hands are sweating. He doesn't know how to talk about this, or well, he doesn't know how to explain it in a way that won't get him locked up. 

He knows his friends and family are worried about him. That they're watching him like he's a ticking bomb, ready to go off at any time. And rightfully so. It's a reasonable expectation to have from someone who hasn't shed a single tear despite going through an incredibly traumatic event. A loss so big he shouldn't be able to handle it as well as he does.

He doesn't know how to tell them, or his therapist, who's currently watching him expectantly, that he can't feel anything anymore. That he hasn't been able to feel a single thing since the accident. That even though he somehow made it out of there alive, his beating heart being proof of that, a big part of him died in the backseat of that damn car, with Dan.

He doesn't know how to tell them that none of it feels real. And not in the 'denial as the first stage of grief' kind of way. No, it doesn't feel real in the same way nothing else does anymore. In the same way his dreams make no sense, and how they're all so vivid he can't tell what's real and what isn't anymore.

"It's ok, take your time." His therapist gives him an encouraging smile. Phil wonders how long he's been sitting there, just staring at her in silence. It could as well have been years. The passage of time is another thing his mind can't process anymore. 

He wonders how many breaths he's taken in the meantime. How many heartbeats have passed. How many breaths has he taken since he felt Dan take his last? How many times has Phil's heart gone through the whole process of pumping blood through his body while Dan's heart remained motionless in his cold chest? He turned cold so fast.

"Phil?" His therapist tries again. "Do you want us to continue this talk another time?"

Yes. He wants to say. Desperately so. He shakes his head instead. It's now or never. He has to talk to someone about this. He won't be able to take his mother's worried looks again.

"It all started the day I got out of the hospital," he starts tentatively, surprised by how hoarse his voice sounds. Turns out he hasn't spoken much since the accident. He doesn't know why he can't remember that either.

 

.

 

Phil has always been scared of death. He hates how unpredictable it can be. How no one knows what happens after. The uncertainty and the fear it brings. He'd rather not think about it at all, if he's being honest.

Dan used to talk about it a lot, on the other hand.

 

.

 

"I don't believe in the afterlife." 

'Is there anything you believe in?' Phil wanted to ask as he rolled his eyes fondly. But he didn't. He waited for Dan to finish his thought process instead. 

"I think it's like when we go to sleep, only forever."

"That's gloomy." Phil replied, tightening his hold on his boyfriend. His life partner. The love of his life. It was so easy to talk about their biggest fears while they were wrapped up in each other's arms. So easy.

"Your mom's gloomy." Dan replied dumbly, and it didn't make any sense, but Phil kissed him anyway.

 

.

 

"Is there anything else you need, Phil?" Martyn asked after helping Phil settle back into his house. Their house. Only that it wasn't theirs anymore. There was no "them" anymore. Just him. And a huge house that they'd worked on for years. A house that they'd meticulously planned to fit their combined personalities. Their forever home. So much for forever.

"Phil?"

"No, I'm good." Phil shook his head forcefully. "I think I'm just gonna go to sleep."

"Do you want me to stay with you? Because I can." Martyn offered, the concern in his voice as clear as day.

"No, I'm good." Phil repeated like a broken radio. Something in him had surely broken.

"If you say so." His brother didn't sound convinced, but he let him be.

He shouldn't have. Because that's when Phil started to lose himself.

 

.

 

#5672

"Wake up, you oaf." Dan says, and Phil has to take a moment to blink into awareness. 

He's in someone's bed, his bed, their bed. But it doesn't feel like their bed at all. And the Dan currently holding him doesn't feel like the Dan he knows. The Dan he knew, because that Dan is supposed to be dead. Phil watched him die. He held him as he died. But this Dan is very much alive, laughing at him and poking him in the ribs.

"Time is?" Phil croaks out because he doesn't know what else to say. What do you say when you're in bed with your possibly resurrected boyfriend? The whole thing is way too weird, even for him. And Phil has dealt with a lot of weirdness in his life.

"Time is for you to go to work." Dan laughs, seemingly unaware of Phil's inner turmoil. Yeah, definitely not his Dan. His Dan would know something was wrong by now.

"Go to work?" Phil asks, flabbergasted. He doesn't remember what he does for a living. Why can't he remember? But he doesn't think he's ever had to physically go to work. Not in the past few years, at least. 

"Yeah, Phil. That's a thing people have to do in order to earn money. I know, crazy stuff." Dan laughs as he tickles him. Phil does not appreciate that. He doesn't like that this man keeps touching him. He might look and sound like his Dan, but it's not him. And it feels like cheating. Is it cheating if it's with a clone? He feels like they've had this conversation before. Have they?

"I mean, don't get me wrong. I wish we weren't trapped in a capitalist hellscape where we have to work for at least 8 hours per day, every day, for the rest of our lives, but alas, it is what it is. And we're both gonna be late if you don't get your ass out of bed right now, mister!" 

This time, Dan pushes him out of bed as a joke, and Phil almost lands on his ass before catching his balance.

"What's up with you today?" Dan asks, his voice grave. He's not laughing anymore. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah. Just had a weird dream, sorry. I'm gonna go get ready." Phil replies, grabbing his glasses from the nightstand and getting up as fast as he can. 

He basically sprints to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a thud. This is weird, he thinks as he studies his reflection in the morning. His hair is pushed up in a quiff, but he's pretty sure he doesn't do that anymore. He's not supposed to dye it anymore either. His glasses don't look like the ones he remembers, and his face looks fine, as opposed to the image plagued by immeasurable grief he's learned to get accustomed to. He looks well and that feels wrong.

This bathroom doesn't look like his, and he struggles to find his toothbrush. And then, as he peeks out the little window in the corner of the room, he realizes that the view outside doesn't look like the one he knew. In fact, it doesn't look like London at all.

"Where are we?" He blurts out as he watches Dan put on a suit. A suit? This Dan has the kind of job that requires him to put a suit on?

"What do you mean, where are we?" Dan frowns as he tightens the tie.

"We're not in London, are we?" Phil asks, even though he knows how crazy he must sound to this man who looks so much like his boyfriend. Dead boyfriend.

"I swear to god, Lester, if this is some sort of sick joke…" 

"It's not," Phil stops him, hoping to convey the honesty and confusion with his eyes.

"Did you…" Dan pauses to bite his lip worriedly. That's a nervous habit his Dan had as well. 

"Oh god. Did you faint again last night? Before you got into bed? Did you hit your head? Is that it? Why didn't you tell me? "

"I didn't faint again." Phil tries to reassure him, and before he can protest, Dan's hands are on his face, one of them pressed to his forehead, as if checking for a temperature.

"You don't have a fever," Dan muses, his other hand lifting Phil's chin up to study him more carefully. They're standing so close to each other now, they are almost breathing in the same air. Dan's hands travel to his neck and then his chest, and Phil shudders at the contact. 

"Your heart is beating so fast, though. I could feel it all the way there," Dan comments, pointing to a spot on his skin that is definitely not a pulse point. "What's going on?"

"If I tell you, you're not gonna believe me," Phil says, and if Dan thought his heart was beating fast before, he's probably going to think that Phil is having a heart attack now, with how nervous he is.

"Try me." Dan looks into his eyes with a serious expression.

So Phil tells him.

.

 

#1293

"I can't remember what I do for a living," Phil tells his therapist. "I can barely remember anything about my life before the accident." I can't even remember your name, is what he wants to say next, but he doesn't, because that would probably be considered rude.

"You haven't said anything about experiencing memory loss." She replies, and he can tell she's really struggling not to react to that bit of information.

"That's because I don't. Have that." Phil clicks his tongue. "It's more like... I have too many memories. And they're not mine. And they're all getting blurry in my head."

"What do you mean, they're not yours?"

Phil sighs. This is going to be hard to explain.

 

.

"I don't think I'd mind dying if I died in your arms."

It was another one of those nights. When Dan was getting existential and Phil wanted to crawl out of his skin with how uncomfortable he was.

"You know I don't like talking about this kind of stuff."

"Well, we need to talk about it at some point. Death is a part of life, Phil. We all die."

"Yeah, but hopefully not any time soon," Phil hummed contemplatively. "Hopefully when we're really, really old. And maybe not even then. Who knows, maybe they'll invent some kind of machine that transfers our souls into a computer by then."

"Souls do not exist, Phil." Dan rolled his eyes as he laughed. "And even if they did, would you really like your consciousness to be transferred into a fucking robot? That sounds terrifying. Like a Black Mirror episode."

 

.

 

"As long as it got me more time with you, yeah. I'd do anything."

 

.

#4679

"So let me get this straight," 

Nothing about us is straight, Phil wants to joke, but this Dan still straightens his hair, so it wouldn't work. The lawyer didn't straighten his hair. Why does this Dan still do it? He looks the same age as the one Phil remembers.

"You're saying that you're not from here, as in, you've somehow traveled from another dimension? And I'm supposed to believe you didn't trip and hit your head while visiting your parents?"

"I know it sounds crazy." Phil bites his lip nervously, a habit he's picked up from Dan. "But it's the truth. I mean, I don't know if I'm dreaming or traveling between dimensions. I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I watched you die, and then I went to sleep, and suddenly you weren't dead anymore. But you weren't you either. Not the you I remember."

"Mate,"

"I know, I know. I'm probably dreaming. Maybe I didn't actually survive the accident, maybe I'm in some kind of coma right now and I'm having weird coma dreams. Or maybe I died and I'm in purgatory and this is some kind of test. Or maybe this is all simply my brain's weird way of coping with your death because it doesn't know how to process such a big loss. God, now I'm starting to sound like you!"

Phil wants to pull all his hair out. Instead, he falls back onto the bed, closing his eyes with a frustrated sigh.

"Well, to be fair, that does sound like the most reasonable explanation out of everything you've shared so far," Dan hums, lost in thought as he lies down next to Phil again. "Not that anything you've said makes any sense. I mean, I don't know what sort of weird, realistic dream you've just woken up from, but trust me, this is real, ok? I am real, and very much alive, unfortunately, and this is all real, ok?"

"Don't say unfortunately," Phil opens his eyes to stare at the man lying next to him on the bed. He looks much younger with his hair straightened. It reminds Phil of the lost twenty-something year-old he once knew. Phil wants his thirty-something-year-old Dan with curly hair back. "You have no idea what I've been through!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Dan sounds genuinely apologetic when he hears Phil's voice break. "I didn't mean it like that… that's just what my humor is like, you know that!"

"I know." Phil responds, trying his best not to burst into tears right then and there. He's suddenly very jealous of the Phil in this universe, whoever he is and wherever he is. That he gets to keep his Dan, straight hair and all, while Phil lost his.

"Why do you still straighten your hair?" He asks next because he can't help it. Every little detail that is different from his universe unnerves him greatly.

"What do you mean still? I never stopped." 

 

.

 

#1293

 

"Crazy to think we almost moved to New York."

"I know, right? Imagine how different our lives would be right now."

"Dude, I can't even imagine. Maybe in a parallel universe."

"You believe in that sort of stuff?"

"What? The theory of parallel universes? I mean yeah, maybe. I dunno. Some scientists think that it's real. I'm too dumb to understand how it works but it's an interesting concept, isn't it? To think that every choice we've ever made can create a whole new world out there. A bit freaky too, though."

"Do you think we could travel between different worlds if that was the case?"

"Absolutely not. I don't think our consciousness can exist in more than one place at once. Like, we have our main character syndrome, right? Which is our brain's way of dealing with existence. Our brains are simply not programmed to comprehend things that go beyond that."

.

#5674

"You don't believe me, do you? I told you that you wouldn't."

"I don't know, Phil, this is a bit much, isn't it?" Dan sighs as he looks at his watch. "Is this an existential crisis you think you can get over in like, 10 minutes, tops? Or do I need to call in sick for both of us?'

"It's not an existential crisis, Dan. It's my reality." 

"Ok, enough. I'm calling in sick for both of us. You're lucky I love you and I'm worried."

"This is like, the second universe where you're a lawyer, you know?" Phil calls after him when he can hear Dan ending the phone call.

"Oh yeah, what am I in others?" Dan asks as he makes his way back into their bedroom. Phil's not sure if Dan really believes him or if he's just playing along for his sake.

"I… can't remember. But I know we live in Manchester in the other one. And we don't work together. What am I here again?"

"A forensic linguist. And you're so so lucky we aren't working on a big case right now, 'cause otherwise we'd be fucked."

.

#1294

"Come on, Phil, we need to film a new video for the gaming channel."

"Oh yeah, that's what we used to do!" Phil gasps as it all comes rushing back.

"I'm sorry?" Dan looks at him like he's lost his mind. Phil is starting to believe he has. 

 

.

 

Maybe he has been going about this thing the wrong way the whole time. Maybe he shouldn't tell the Dans what's going on anymore. Maybe he should just live. Exist. Be grateful that he's been given the chance to spend more time with the love of his life, again and again.  

"Nothing. Don't mind me."

 

.

 

"Dan, what did we do last week? On Friday night? I can't remember."

"Hm? On Friday? We were supposed to meet up with Bry, but it was raining so hard we decided to stay home and reschedule instead. Why?"

Phil starts crying after that. Just, straight up starts bawling his eyes out. Because that's exactly what happened in his universe. It was pouring so they got an uber, and then their car got hit. And it could have all been avoided if only Dan hadn't insisted on leaving the house that night. If only he had agreed to rescheduling, like he seems to have done in this universe. If only Phil had been more insistent, if only…

"Phil? Hey, hey, what's going on? Phil, love? You're scaring me! Listen to me, can you hear me? Try to take a deep breath, come on, baby. I know you can do it. Yeah, just like that! Just follow my breathing. It's going to be ok, I promise! I'm here, I'm right here!"

But you're not. You're not. You're not. You're not.

.

.

.

#6794

 

"Martyn, tell me you know someone named Dan Howell, please!"

"Oh, you mean your childhood friend Dan? Yeah! He's getting married next week."

"WHAT?"

 

---

 

“Everything is happening and has happened and will happen again. Everything that exists has always existed and will continue to exist. Memory is imagined; it is not real. Don’t be ashamed of its need to create." - Nick Cave

Notes:

Posted anonymously because I'm shy and a bit scared of this fandom maybe. Anyway, I love Dan and Phil and I honest to God hope nothing like this will ever happen to them or anyone else for that matter lol

Inspired by the many talks they've had over the years about death and what happens after, clones and choices they've made.

I'm ngl I'm having a lot of fun writing all the parallel universes despite the dark theme of the story. I have a bunch of ideas for this and I really hope you guys will like it. Unfortunately my mind works in way that I need to get some kind of feedback before continuing a story so let me know what you think!

Chapter 2: What the hell would I be without you?

Notes:

I'm having too much fun not to continue this <3

#1293

"Would you really like to be immortal?" Dan asked after they wrapped up the video. 

"If you were there too, yeah. Why not?" Phil shrugged.

"Oh, so only if I were there too?" Dan raised his eyebrows incredulously, his tone half-serious, half-teasing.

"I mean, yeah. What's the point? If you're not there?"

 

.

 

His therapist advises him to keep a dream journal, which would be an easy thing to do, if only he could keep track of everything that has been going on in his life lately.

• Some universes are very similar to mine while others are completely different.
• We're not together in all of them.
• Should I try to change that? Could I even do that? Could I change fate? Am I already changing fate? Just by being there and acting differently?
• There are universes where we're not humans. Sidenote: being a cat rocks. I wanna be a cat all the time. 
• Is this even the original timeline? How can I tell which is the right one? What if there is no right one?
• Even if we're not together in all of them, our paths still seem to cross in one way or another. Dan was wrong. Soulmates exist. There is no other explanation for this.
• Are these really parallel universes or have I completely lost my mind?
• If I'm really traveling between dimensions, what happens to the other Phils? Am I just possessing their bodies like some kind of weird ghost? Do we swap bodies? Do they come here when I am in their place? That's terrifying.
• ̶C̶a̶n̶ ̶I̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶y̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶c̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶e̶v̶e̶r̶?̶ ̶I̶f̶ ̶s̶o̶,̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶?̶ ̶W̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶P̶h̶i̶l̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶?̶

 

#6794

 

Phil never thought that he'd be attending Dan's wedding. Not as an outsider, that is. Sure, he'd thought about what Dan would look like in a wedding suit, but Phil always stood next to him in those fantasies.

They weren't into the idea of marriage and they'd agreed a long time ago that even if they were to change their minds, they would just elope because wedding planning was not something either of them wanted to partake in.

Being one of Dan's wedding guests is something he can barely wrap his head around after the fifteen years they've spent together.

"Phil, I'm so glad you could make it!" This Dan smiles, extending his hand to Phil as courtesy. 

For a fleeting moment, Phil had the idea of turning this into one of their weird handshakes, but then he figured that was not proper etiquette with a stranger. Because this Dan is basically a stranger to Phil, even if his brother said they were childhood friends. 

"I'm glad too," Phil smiles back, hoping his handshake is normal enough. Dan does not comment on it, so Phil takes that as a good sign.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?" 

Small talk. Great. Phil never thought he'd need to have small talk with Dan either.

"I'm fine! Just. Work. Work work and more work. And doing stuff with Susan," he replies awkwardly. 

He still can't believe he has a girlfriend in this universe. One that the other Phil is planning on marrying soon as well. The thought of being anything but gay surprises him, but then he figures he must be bisexual.

"I can imagine, it's really good to see you, though." Dan gives him one of his dimpled smiles, like the ones that would never fail to give Phil that fluttery feeling in the stomach, even after fifteen years. He's so beautiful. I miss him so much. I love you. Can you hear me? I love you and I miss you so much. Why did you have to leave me? I miss you. Come back.

"I should go back to Henry," Dan says suddenly, turning his head to make eye contact with another man waving at both of them. The man is tall, taller than Phil, slightly taller than Dan even. And he's blonde and looks super toned, even under the black suit. It's nauseating.

Dan looks at his husband with so much adoration, just like he used to look at Phil in most of their videos, and Phil feels like throwing up right then and there. He's not a jealous person, Dan was usually the one who got aggressively possessive of him, but this man got Phil silently planning his murder.

"See you later?" This Dan asks and Phil can only nod as he watches Dan walk back into the crowd and then into the arms of his husband.

This is one of those universes where Phil does not want to linger for longer than necessary. It might be better to have Dan in his life than not have him at all - there was a moment of pure panic when Phil first woke up here and Dan was nowhere to be seen, when Phil was scared they might not have met in this universe, before Martyn cleared things up for him - but this is a little too much for Phil.

Thankfully, he wakes up before he can watch the newly wed couple kiss at the altar.

#1293

"Phil, it's been a month," PJ is the one to wake him up from the wedding dream, and while Phil is grateful for that, he's not so grateful to PJ for coming over unannounced. He knows the house must look like a disaster. He couldn't be bothered to clean up. "You need to get out of the house at some point."

"Time has no meaning for me, Peej." Phil shrugs with a yawn. Gosh, he's so sleepy. He sleeps all the time and he's still tired. So, so tired. He wants to go back to sleep.

"And that's worrying. You get that's worrying, right?"

"It lost all meaning when I started having these dreams."

PJ gives him that look again. The look that everyone he talks to about his dreams gives him. Pity mixed with fear and maybe concern. Phil doesn't want to be pitied. This is a good thing. This is a very good thing. The best thing that could have happened to him after the accident.

They don't get it. Phil doesn't even have time to grieve. He has no reason to, when he still sees Dan at night. And even during the day, whenever he takes a nap. In fact, he sees him more often than he doesn't. Almost more often than he did while Dan was alive, which is crazy considering that they spent most of their time together. 

"Have you thought… about… what you're gonna tell people?" PJ changes the subject. "I mean, they already know since the accident was in the news and all, but people are worried about you, you know? You still get millions of messages every day. Your brother thinks you should put up some kind of statement."

"Tell people… tell people what?" Phil asks. His brain is so foggy he has no idea what his friend is talking about.

"That you're ok? Alive? Some people are starting to speculate that you aren't, since you've shown no sign of life online."

Oh right. This is the universe where he has an audience that he needs to think about.

"I don't want to say anything. I wouldn't know what to say," Phil responds honestly. His friend sits next to him on the bed.

"You should at least text some of your friends then. You haven't talked to Bryony since the funeral. I know she's desperate to talk to you. She told me she feels guilty, as if it's her fault."

"It's not her fault." Phil frowns. Does Bryony really feel like that? It's not her fault some drunk idiot hit their car and ruined Phil's life forever. 

The only person guilty of that is the driver of the other car. Fucking asshole. Phil would have liked him to survive and live with the guilt for the rest of his life. He should be rotting in prison. He was lucky, he took the easy way out instead. 

Everyone died. Dan, the uber driver, the other driver. Only Phil's still alive. Why is he alive? To suffer? To just suffer, trapped between worlds? Unable to stay in one place at a time?

"Phil?" PJ calls him, frowning again. Phil's tired of watching his family and friends look at him like that. He's fine!

"The thing with your dream is… the dreams are pretty normal," His friend continues when Phil doesn't respond. "Sophie says she has this friend who would always dream about her dead grandma after she passed. That's a pretty normal way to deal with grief, I think. What isn't normal is for you to sleep all day like you seem to. I'm worried."

"My dreams are not normal." Phil shakes his head forcefully. "Nothing about them is. My dreams used to be… surreal, kind of. These dreams feel real. Way too real. Almost… almost like I'm living someone else's life through them."

The more Phil speaks, the more scared PJ looks. Maybe Phil shouldn't have said anything.

"Stop. I already talked to my therapist about this, ok? She doesn't believe me either. It's fine. I'm crazy. I know."

"I don't think you're crazy. I think you're just hurting." 

A tear involuntarly slips from Phil's eye at that, but he wipes it away before PJ can notice. Oh, how he wishes that at least one person believed him. 

"You said I haven't talked to Bryony since the funeral. I can't remember the funeral, Peej."

"You're kidding?" Phil shakes his head again. His friend seems to believe that, at least. "Can you remember the accident, though?"

"I don't think I could ever forget that."

#1294

"Here, do you feel any better?" The Dan who seems the most similar to his Dan so far asks, handing Phil a cup of hot chocolate after his massive breakdown.

"Not really," Phil admits as he takes a sip. "But this is nice." He points to the cup. 

Dan sits next to him on the couch - they'd moved to the couch sometime in between Phil's sobs - and starts rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort him. Nothing could possibly comfort Phi right now, though. Maybe only Dan himself. Not this perfect replica of him.

"Do you want to tell me about your nightmare now?"

"You died," Phil says simply. "And it felt real."

"I see. I'm sorry, bub. That must have been scary."

"You have no idea." Phil puts the cup down. He almost wants to laugh. The whole thing is just so… absurd.

"Well, if it helps, I'm not dead and I'm not planning on going anywhere any time soon, ok?"

"You don't know that. Anything can happen." Dan's eyes widen at that.

"This dream really shook you, huh? You're usually a lot more optimistic than this."

"Yeah, well, you always said I needed to be more realistic."

"Damn, I see you're properly upset, then. What would make you feel better? Should I run you a bubble bath? Would you like that? We can get nice and warm." Dan wiggles his eyebrows, moving from rubbing Phil's back to rubbing his arms.

"I'm not in the mood for that," Phil mumbles under his breath.

"If you're not even in the mood for sex, I'm starting to get really worried." Dan jokes, and that does make Phil laugh a little.

"There it is! Missed your laugh!" Dan kisses Phil's cheek and pulls him closer. Phil doesn't fight as Dan maneuvers him so his head is pressed to Dan's chest and he can hear his heartbeat.

"I know that always calms you down," Dan almost whispers as he starts playing with Phil's hair. "You have a thing for heartbeats, don't you? Freak."

Phil laughs again. He really missed their banter.

"You're right. I can't promise you I'll always be here, but I am here now, and that's what matters the most, right?"

"Does it, really? If I know you're gonna die one day anyway?" Dan hums and Phil can feel his chest vibrate.

"Why are you so sure I'll die before you, huh? Maybe you're the one who'll die first. You're an old man." Dan is still joking, but Phil wishes that were the case. He really does. 

Although, he can't imagine putting Dan through the pain he's experiencing right now. Small mercies. At least Dan won't ever have to suffer as much as he's suffering right now.

"I just… can't imagine living without you. We've spent almost every day together for the past fifteen years."

"Stop imagining it then," Dan replies. "As much as you seem to believe that, your grandma did not pass her psychic abilities onto you, ok? It's not a thing. A dream doesn't mean anything. That's all it is, a dream. And I know I always joke about waiting for the sweet release of death or whatever, but I don't actually wish for that anymore. I'm so happy nowadays, like, fuck. Probably the happiest I've ever been. And I wanna stay right here, with you." 

Phil can't help it. He starts crying again, because fuck, yeah. Dan was the happiest he'd ever been. It wasn't fair. He had his whole life ahead of him.

"Nooo, bub. Come on. I know I never agreed to that when you said it before, but I'm gonna say it now. We're gonna grow old together, ok? We're gonna be one of those old couples that die within days of each other because we can't live without each other. Does that sound good?"

"Ok." Phil nods, his snot and tears staining Dan's T-shirt. He feels so gross and small and raw. And so tired. He's so tired.

#5678

 

The next time Phil wakes up, he's alone in his bed. He tries not to panic, because this other universe's Dan might simply be in another room, but as Phil looks around the house he is not familiar with, he can't find any proof of another person living there. 

He tries to rationalize his thoughts. It might be a universe where he and Dan are just friends who do not live together again. That's fine. He can still find him. He'll call Martyn and ask again. Only that Martyn does not respond and Phil can't find PJ's number in his contacts. He ends up calling his mom.

"Olá, meu filho!" His mom greets him.

"Is that Spanish?" Phil asks, perplexed. His mom laughs like that's the funniest joke she's heard in her life.

"Portuguese, darling. We've only been living here for almost twenty years now."  

What the fuck.

"Here, as in Portugal?" Phil asks, terrified. He can recall his mom saying something about almost moving to Portugal when he was a teenager now.

"What's going on, love? You haven't used English while talking to me in a while. Are you feeling sick? Do you have sunstroke again?"

"Yeah. I think I have sunstroke again," Phil mumbles and his phone almost slips out of his hand. 

This is bad. This is really bad. He does the math in his head. If he moved when he was 17, there is no way he had met Dan before. Unless they had met earlier like they did in the universe where they were childhood friends and Dan was older. And married to someone else. Fuck that universe. What if Dan's married to someone else here too?

While his mom advises him on what to do with his supposed sunstroke, Phil decides he needs to ask her the important question, since he can't reach anyone else who would know. Wait, does this mean he never met PJ either? Is that why he can't find his number?

"Mom, do you know anyone named Dan Howell?"

"I don't think so. I haven't heard that name before. Why?"

#1293

"If parallel universes do exist, do you think we meet in all of them?

"Phil, have you been on tiktok again?"

"Maybe."

"Well. Do you want a serious answer, or?"

"Serious, please."

"I guess that would depend on a lot of factors."

"What? Don't look at me like that! You know I don't believe in fate and bullshit like that. Magic does not exist, Phil. There isn't a higher force that binds us together. It just so happened that the circumstances of our lives made it so that we would meet. A statistical improbability, if you will. It's nice, but that's all it is. Not to mention that I literally stalked you, bitch. Meeting you was my hard work and I will not let the universe take credit for that!"

 

.

.

.

 

 

• What happens if we do not meet in all of them?

 

 

Notes:

Yes, the Game of Life is real here and Phil wants to have a word with Henry.

Title from "Sick of Losing Soulmates" by Dodie <3

Please don't hesitate to let me know what you think! Would love to hear your thoughts and theories.

Chapter 3: And if I ever see you again, my love

Notes:

I can't believe this is my first phanfic in a while and I'm writing like 5 stories in one lol but this is a lot of fun!

Title of the chapter from "Lover, where do you live?" By Highasakite

#1293

"I think I should move out." Dan blurted out, the dark circles under his eyes looking darker than ever in the dim light of their kitchen. Depression was a bitch.

"What?" Phil asked, feeling his heart drop all the way to his feet. Dan wouldn't… would he?

"I just feel like… we enable each other too much. I'm not productive enough with you. Plus, we've been together my whole adult life. I feel like, like maybe I need to live on my own for a while. Experience life as a young adult with my own apartment and all."

"Are you… are you breaking up with me?" Phil had to ask because he was thoroughly confused. And more than a tad worried at the sight of Dan's crumpled appearance. 

"No! God no, no! Never. I mean, I hope you don't want that either. I just…"

"Let's sit down and talk about this." Phil placed a reassuring arm on his lover's back, feeling better now that he knew they weren't breaking up.

#5672

"I know you don't believe me. It's fine." 

"Who says I don't believe you?" Phil stops in his tracks. He turns to face Lawyer Dan #1 again.

"You're serious?" Phil asks. He hates how much hope that gives him.

"Yeah, you've been acting really weird today." Dan shrugs. He doesn't look nearly as shocked as he should be by the idea of an interdimensional traveler coming from a world where he is dead.

"Weird as in… not like myself?" Phil asks tentatively,

"I guess." Dan shrugs again. He's way too calm about the whole thing.

"You know, it's funny because you once said that if I were to be replaced by a clone, no one would know."

"I never said that!" Dan protests before pausing for a moment. "Oh! You mean when we were playing that stupid game…"

Phil has to try his hardest not to laugh as he watches Dan huff and scoff.

"First of all, I wasn't talking about you there. I meant in general. Also, fuck off! How do you even remember that?"

Phil can't help the smile that creeps on his face at that. It's good to know that even in a world where they have serious jobs, they still make time to play stupid games together. Some things never change.

"But you're not a clone, are you?" Dan studies him carefully. He still doesn't seem fazed by the possibility of a clone replacing his boyfriend.

"I mean… maybe? I'm not sure if an interdimensional traveler counts as a clone." 

"Is that what you are?" Dan comes closer, as if they weren't basically breathing in the same air before. "Where is my Phil, then?" A pang of sadness hits Phil suddenly.

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. It's not like… I came here on purpose. I don't control the jumping. It just happens."

"And you said this started… after I died. In your universe, that is. Because I'm pretty alive here. I think." 

Phil chuckles. Dan stumbling over his words trying to make sense of something will never fail to make him laugh. That's the awkward nerd Phil loves and misses.

"You look pretty alive, yeah." Dan takes a step back after that, gesturing for Phil to follow him to what he believes to be their shared office. 

It's also good to know that they are disgusting and dependent enough on each other to share an office in this universe too. And they don't even work together here! Right? Right, this is the universe where they're not currently working on a case together. That was the other Lawyer Dan universe. Phil needs to start taking notes of this stuff too.

"Ok, so. The theory of parallel universes," Dan starts as he grabs a pen and a piece of paper. He then plops on one of the chairs, and Phil figures that's his cue to sit on the other one.

"I read this article once about a physicist who compared it to a deck of cards," He explains as he starts scribbling a bunch of planets of different sizes and colors. "You can shuffle them a million times, eventually the order will repeat. And it's the same with an infinite universe and a finite number of complexities of matter, the way in which matter arranges itself will repeat."

"You've lost me." Phil gapes at him, his mind focusing more on the drawings of the planets that look the same rather than the scientific jargon. 

"You've been to lots of different universes already, right?" Dan asks, dropping the pens and turning his attention back to him. "Some are more similar to yours than others."

"Right." Phil confirms. "You dropped out of law school in mine, but not in this one. You're a pianist in some, a barista in others. We meet in most of them, but not all."

"We don't meet in all universes?" Dan pouts, sounding somewhat dejected. This Dan is definitely different to the one Phil remembers. 

"I just traveled from one where I moved to Portugal when I was a teen. No one there seems to know who you are." Dan pouts some more before shaking his head.

"Not the point of our discussion. Anyway, my point is, if what you're saying is true, and time is actually more flexible than we think, like some scientists seem to believe, that means that your consciousness is looking for a universe that is identical to yours, where my death doesn't happen now, or hasn't happened yet."

"I already found it." Phil almost jumps in his seat, not giving much thought to Dan's emphasis on the words now and yet. "I've been there, how do I stay there?"

"Are you sure it's identical to yours?" Dan looks skeptical. "I figured you would have stayed there if that were the case."

"I'm… I'm not sure actually." Phil pauses. "I wasn't there long enough to draw a conclusion. I didn't stay long enough to draw a conclusion about anything anywhere."

"I think you will know. When it's the right one." Dan nods like he's never been more sure of anything in his entire life. And Phil kind of gets the urge to jump him and kiss him breathless for this, but there's still a big part of him that thinks this is all too good to be true.

"You're a genius! And quite nerdy for a lawyer too." Phil observes while trying to remain calm and collected enough to stop his limbs from tackling the poor man.

"I took a physics class in university." Dan laughs, seemingly amused by Phil's enthusiasm, but also reluctant to call him out on it. "Just to learn more about this, honestly. I've always been fascinated by the idea of parallel universes."

"You were in my universe too." Phil hums. "But my Dan did not believe in soulmates or that we meet in all universes."

"I'm sure he did, deep down. He just didn't want to admit it. I know my home environment got me bitter and jaded, but you made me all soft and mushy."

"You're amazing, Dan." Phil smiles. He'd been incredibly depressed and heartbroken, and this Dan somehow managed to plant a seed of hope into his soul with his crazy theory.

And yet it makes sense. It makes so much sense. What if it's true? Will I really get the chance to see my Dan again? 

"You're the amazing one." Dan winks before making a fake gagging sound, causing Phil to roll his eyes fondly. But then his heart stutters for a second. "Wait, did you just-"

"Sorry, I had to. You had a youtube channel with that name when you were in university. Before you quit to focus on your career. But that's how I found you."

"Some things never change." Phil grins proudly. 

#4679

Phil feels much lighter the next time he jumps. He's now more focused on learning all about their lives together and how to get them to meet in the universes where they haven't met yet (because he's now sure they'll meet eventually, somehow, even if he has to take matters in his own hands and change fate himself in order for that to happen), rather than the jumps themselves. 

"What do we do here?" Phil asks the Dan with straight hair, who seems to be a lot more skeptical about the idea of interdimensional travel than lawyer Dan #1.

"You can't even remember what we do for a living? Are you sure you don't want me to call an ambulance for you?"

"Just, humor me." Phil pleads with him. He really needs to know.

"What's the last thing you remember?" All right, this Dan seems dead set on the idea that Phil has hit his head and lost all his memories for some reason. Phil figures he can play along with that scenario in order to gather more information.

"We were doing youtube. Among other things." (How the fuck do you even begin to explain everything they got up to in more than a decade together?) Dan's eyes go comically wide after hearing Phil's words. He almost looks like a cartoon character.

"Phil. We haven't done youtube in over ten years. That's it. I'm taking your ass to the hospital right now and that's final." Dan moves to get up, but Phil catches his wrist before he can leave the room.

"Why did we quit?" Dan may be stubborn, but Phil can be even worse when he puts his mind into it.

"Because… it didn't work out, Phil. The radio show didn't work out, none of it did. We were broke and we had to look for something else."

 

Oh.

#3020

This is a new one, Phil thinks when he wakes up. He can tell something is off as soon as opens his eyes, and not in the way it felt off in the Portugal universe, no. 

This time, something feels off about himself, almost like... his body is wrong. His chest feels weird and when he touches it, he can feel… a lump. Two big lumps. Two very big lumps.

"Shit!" He throws the blanket off himself (herself?) to reveal his new half-naked body. 

He's naked safe for a pair of undies and a tank top that his left boob is dangerously close to falling out of. He has curves in places he did not have curves before, and his skin feels softer and smoother. He feels cold too. Why is it so cold in here? He wonders as he places the blanket back on top of himself. Is Dan a woman here too? Have we met here?

"Scoot over, loser. I brought us breakfast." A familiar voice answers his questions. 

The woman standing in the doorway is… gorgeous. Phil has never been attracted to women, but he can appreciate beauty when he sees it, and he can tell Dan looks gorgeous as a woman. Not that he doesn't look beautiful as a man. Phil is pretty sure he'd find him the most beautiful person in the whole world in any body or form. He was cute as a cat too.

"It's rude to stare," Dan (Daniella?) mumbles, munching on her Crunchy Nut. She plops next to Phil with no warning, pushing a bowl of cereal into his chest while making room for herself under the blanket. She's more dressed than Phil, an oversized T-shirt covering all her bits, but Phil still shudders when their shoulders touch.

"Seriously, why are you looking at me like that?" Dan laughs, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Her hair is so long and curly and looks so soft, Phil is tempted to run his hands through it to see what it feels like.

"Like what?" Phil asks, attempting to take a spoonful of his cereal so he doesn't look too weird.

"Like you just saw me for the first time," she laughs, and oh, it sounds just like Dan's laugh. Phil's heart bursts with giddiness.

"It feels like that," Phil confesses, almost breathlessly. Dan rolls her eyes, but the fond expression on her face tells Phil she doesn't mind it one bit.

"Together for fifteen years, married for five, yet you still look at me like that."

Phil almost spits his milk. "We're married?" He looks at his wife, then at his hand, and it's only then that he notices the matching wedding bands on their fingers. Holy shit.

Five years ago means 2019. That must have been around the time they publicly came out, if their timeline is any similar to Dan and Phil's. Their lesbian selves are not wasting any time, huh? 

"What's gotten into you today, bub?" Dan laughs again, moving to wipe at Phil's chin. There must have been a splash of milk there, Phil figures.

"Just had a weird dream."

#1294

 

Phil wakes up alone, which is never a good sign. Thankfully, he can tell he's in the universe that is the most similar to his (and not his own) because he can recognize their ceiling and he can see Dan's sweatpants on the floor. Maybe I can really stay here.

He looks for his glasses on the nightstand, and that's when he sees a note signed by Dan.

Left to get us breakfast. Didn't want to wake you up. It looked like you needed the rest. Love you, it reads. Phil doesn't know why, but he gets a terrible feeling about this. He grabs his phone just in time for a call to come through.

"Hello?" He answers with shaky hands.

"I'm calling you from…"

"...as you are listed as Daniel Howell's emergency contact…".

"There's been an accident…"

"We've been trying to reach you all morning..."

"...cardiac arrest…"

"You have to come to the morgue to identify his body…"

 

No. No, no, no. No. There's no way. There's no fucking way he's about to relieve this, no way.

Wasn't the point of the jumps to get him to a universe where Dan doesn't die? Why is the universe cruel enough to make Phil relive his death? There's no way. There's no fucking way

"Fuck!" Phil throws his phone with enough force to smash it on the floor. He's shaking with anger and grief. Nothing makes sense anymore. 

He doesn't even know if he prefers this death to the one in his universe. At least he wasn't there to witness it. On the other hand, he got to say goodbye to Dan in his universe. He didn't even get to spend much time with this Dan.

"I'm so happy nowadays, like, fuck. Probably the happiest I've ever been. And I wanna stay right here, with you."

"We're gonna grow old together, ok? We're gonna be one of those old couples that die within days of each other because we can't live without each other. Does that sound good?"

Fuck!

What must this Dan have felt in his last moments? Did he think about what Phil said? About his "dream"? Did he feel any pain? Was it quick? Did he think about Phil? About his own Phil? This Dan didn't even get to see his own Phil before he died, did he? Fuck.

Phil stumbles to the bathroom in a daze, and he doesn't know why, but seeing his own reflection in the mirror fills him with so much rage, he just punches it. He's never been a violent person, yet he's just smashed a mirror. A big part of it breaks into tiny pieces, and his hand hurts like hell. A feeling of déjà vu engulfs him. Did he break a mirror in his universe too? He can't remember. Why doesn't he remember anything? Why does his hand hurt so much? Because you've just fucking punched a fucking mirror, you fucking idiot.

That's a lot of blood.

He passes out.

#4679

"Phil, what the fuck? Why is your hand bleeding? How the fuck did you even do that? When? I was right here next to you, all night! And you were fine when we went to sleep!" 

Phil wakes up to the Dan with straight hair screaming in his ear, grabbing his hand to look at it.

"I… I punched the bathroom mirror," he mumbles. He didn't think he'd carry the injury with him to another universe. Wait, does this mean he still has the scars from the accident too?

Dan leaves the room for a moment, only to return with a first-aid kit and a face as white as a sheet.

"The mirror in our bathroom is not broken," Dan informs him, his hands trembling as he attempts to fix Phil up.

"That's because I didn't break it here." Phil gulps. What does this mean for him? What does any of this mean? "Do you believe me now?"

Dan just looks at him with fear in his eyes.

#1293

"I really don't think we should leave the house now." Phil said as he looked at the mirror he'd just smashed with his clumsiness.

"If we were to stay home every time you or your ginormous ass broke something, we would never leave the house again." Dan whined, crouching down to pick up the pieces. "Come on, Phil. It was just a tiny mirror. We have so many others."

"It's not about that! You know it brings bad luck! And it's raining so hard too!"

"Stop being a superstitious fuck! The rain won't kill us, and neither will this tiny, tiny mirror. Look, I'll buy you another one if you want! Bryony is waiting for us and we're already late. You know she gets pissed when we're late."

"Fine!" Phil agreed eventually, opening the uber app.

Notes:

Don't take what I write here too seriously, I'm no physicist, I just read an article, lol.

You've heard of Phil getting flustered over Dan in a nun costume, get ready for Phil meeting his alternate universe self's wife. I had a little to much fun writing that universe ngl.

Your comments fuel me! <3

We're close to the end, I think I'll write one or two more chapters after this.

Chapter 4: I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me

Notes:

Sorry for the delay. I was so excited about the wad premiere that's the only thing I could think about for days.

Anyway, I honestly thought this would be the last chapter, but it got too long, so one more it is!

The title of this chapter is from "Ghost" by Halsey.

#1293

"Phil? Have you seriously not left the bed since I last came to see you?" PJ exclaims. Phil hasn't heard him come in this time either.

"Huh?" Phil looks up from his notebook. He's been too busy writing down every single thing he's learned from every universe to pay attention to his surroundings. He hasn't even noticed the tray of food on his nightstand or the bags of groceries his friend has brought over.

"Have you eaten anything I brought you at least? PJ furrows his eyebrows. Phil would be lying if he said he did. He can't even remember the last time he ate. It feels like years passed since he last jumped to this universe, yet it couldn't have been more than a couple of days, judging by the fact that the food doesn't seem to have gone bad.

"You have to eat. You can't…" PJ rubs his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. He sounds so sad and desperate, Phil is almost tempted to take a bite of something just to make him feel better. But he can't, he'd probably just be sick after what he was forced to witness again. 

"I don't think you should be here alone anymore. You could come live with me and Sophie, or Bryony, or your parents, or your brother… or whoever you think you'd feel more comfortable with. I know anyone would welcome you with open arms. But you can't live like this anymore! I simply can't keep sitting here, watching you destroy yourself, it's breaking my heart!" 

"PJ…" Phil is shocked to say the least. He didn't know his friend had gotten himself so worked up over Phil's mental state.

"We all love you, ok? We can't lose you too." PJ's voice breaks as he attempts to finish his sentence and Phil can't take it anymore. He moves to pull his friend into a tight hug, and then they just sit there, swaying back and forth for a while. (He doesn't have it in him to tell PJ that they've already lost him.)

"Phil? What happened to your hand?" PJ finally takes notice of his bandaged hand once they break apart.

"Well. You see…"

#5672

"I thought that might happen, yeah." Dan nods, seemingly lost in thought. "I mean, I don't really believe in fate because it freaks me out to think that we are so powerless in the grand scheme of things, but then I wasn't sure about the existence of parallel universes until you showed up here either. Maybe I'm really fated to die around this time and there's nothing we can do about it."

"So what do I do now? PJ wants me to move out of our house and-"

"Maybe it's for the best," Dan agrees. "I think you need to get out of there too."

"Are you kidding me?" Phil all but yells. "All of your things are there! I can't leave!"

"Phil," Dan places both of his hands on Phil's shoulders and gives them a tight squeeze. "It pains me to see you like this, it really does. I can't even imagine what I'd be like if I were in your place… But I think PJ just wants what's best for you and maybe… maybe you need to move on. Maybe you need to accept it and go find meaning in my death instead."

"What's wrong with you?" Phil shakes him off, a bit too harshly judging by the hurt look on Dan's face. 

"What happened to your theory? How do you explain all the jumping, then? And don't say some bullshit about how I'm meant to find meaning in your death or stuff like that, ever again! I will never be able to find such a thing, because there simply isn't one! Fuck!" His hand still hurts like hell. He should probably stop gesticulating as hard as he does.

"I can't believe you punched a mirror." Dan points to Phil's wounded hand, looking even sadder. "I wish I could help you, Phil. I really do. Even just from a purely selfish perspective - not that I don't enjoy your company, don't get me wrong - but I'm starting to really miss my Phil and I would like to see him again if I'm meant to die soon."

"I'm sorry I took him away from you," Phil chokes out, on the verge of tears.

"Hey, none of that!" Dan tuts. "It's not your fault. Plus, you're still him, deep down. You might be different in some ways, but fundamentally, you're one and the same."

#4679

"I know you'll hate me for saying this, but I'm glad it's me and not you."

"Shut up!" Phil cradles his bandaged hand closer to his chest. Closer to the heart that is broken beyond repair.

"I always secretly hoped I'd be the one to go first. Like, it makes the most sense. You have more of a support system than me."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Phil protests, feeling his throat close up with the desperate need to cry. He can't even bring himself to be angry when he's already so sad. "We share all our friends! My parents consider you part of the family! You get along with your family better nowadays! There are so many people who love you!"

"Yeah, but it's just not the same." Dan shakes his head. "You've always been… the heart of everything. Every social interaction, I mean. You know I don't do well with that kind of stuff. I would simply not make it if I were in your shoes right now."

"Oh, and you think I'm coping so well?" Phil finally snaps. "I've only been stuck in an endless loop of traveling between parallel universes while our friends back home are desperately trying to get me out of bed. I'm doing excellent, as you can see!" 

Dan flinches at that. Good. He should feel bad for insinuating such ridiculous things.

"I'm sorry, don't get mad!" Dan tries to touch him, but Phil gives his hand a not so elegant shove. He can't stand listening to any more of this.

"I know you've always dealt with self-hating issues, but Jesus, Dan! I can't believe you think your life is worth so little when I'm right here, literally losing my mind over your death! It's infuriating!" 

"I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry. I take all that back. It's purely for selfish reasons that I'm glad it's me and not you." Phil huffs at that. Funny how all the Dans use the same way of phrasing things. The other Dan was right, fundamentally, they're the same.

"Then I'm glad too," Phil mutters before reaching for Dan. He can't say no to a hug anymore. "That you don't have to go through this."

"I still can't wrap my head around any of this," Dan mumbles, rubbing circles into Phil's back. "I mean, if you hadn't showed up here with your hurt hand, I might have never believed you." Phil hums, and then they just in silence for a while. Phil almost falls asleep before he hears Dan speak again.

"Are we sure that me dying in two universes means that I'm going to die in all of them, though? I mean, isn't the whole point of an infinite number of universes for an infinite number of possibilities and outcomes to exist?" 

"That's what me and the other Dan thought at first," Phil begins to explain. "But then he said that maybe it's fate and–"

"Fuck my other self and fuck fate, Phil!" Dan jumps from his hold. "Are you fucking kidding me? I can't believe I've been sitting here with you, mourning my own possible death, all over the idea of fate? Seriously? When you've been given the chance to find a better alternative? So what, it failed once, it doesn't mean it will fail every time!" 

Phil is at a loss of words. He's been so stupid, hasn't he? 

Dan grabs him by the shoulders and squeezes so hard it hurts a little.

"Do you have any idea… I mean you don't, but… Listen! When the youtube thing didn't work out, it really felt like the end of the world. But Phil managed to find his passion for teaching that way, and I… well, I've been doing all sorts of things over the years and maybe I'm still not sure what the fuck I want to do with my life, but I'm trying, ok? And that's what matters! You have to try! You can't just sit here and expect the worst and do nothing about it! All right? So go out there, and grab fate by the throat!"

#5678

It feels like he's been walking for ages. It was probably a bad idea to go out in a foreign country with no map and no phone, but Phil wasn't exactly in his right mind.

Dan's speech has done something to him, and now he's a man on a mission. He has to find Dan. And he will, even if it's the last thing he does.

"Excuse me," a voice greets him with a tap on his shoulder and fuck. Phil doesn't have to turn around to know who the voice and the gentle touch belong to. He already knows. He's only known him for a little over a decade and a couple of different timelines.

"Hi! I'm Dan. I'm here on holiday and I was wondering if you knew where–'' Phil doesn't let him finish that sentence. 

He grabs his waist instead and pulls him in for a breathtaking kiss. This Dan will probably push him off. He has every right to. Phil is a total stranger and he's being a huge creep, but he can't help it. Seeing Dan in a world where he thought they'd never meet brought him so much joy and relief he might pass out.

Thankfully, this Dan doesn't look creeped out and is not calling the cops on Phil. Instead he chokes out an awkward laugh and looks to the side in embarrassment. 

"Is that how you guys greet people here in Portugal?"

#1293

"I read up a bit on what you told me." PJ announces the next time Phil sees him. (He has no idea how much time has passed.)

"On what?"

"The concept of time. And the theory of parallel universes."

Phil freezes. He doesn't know what he expected his friend to say, but it was definitely not that.

"And what did you find out?" Phil asks nervously, refusing to meet his friend's eyes. 

When he attempted to explain how he had hurt his hand in a different timeline, PJ looked like he was mentally planning to call a shrink on Phil. Yet there he was now, seemingly willing to learn more about Phil's experiences.

"There are a lot of theories," PJ starts. "Some scientists believe that time is an illusion and that the past, present and future actually exist simultaneously."

"How would that work?" Phil asks now that his friend has got his attention.

"I'm not sure, but from what I read, the basis of this is that reality can be split into different timelines depending on probabilities and that different past and future timelines can affect our present."

"So you're saying that…" Phil scrambles his brain, trying to tie what PJ is saying into what he's learned from lawyer Dan and his own experience with all the jumps.

"I don't know what I'm saying," PJ pinches the bridge of his nose with a frustrated sigh. "Look, Phil, I really want to believe you, but…"

"But you still think all of this is just a product of my imagination," Phil finishes his friend's sentence. "Even though you couldn't find an explanation for how I've hurt my hand when there are no broken mirrors around and I haven't left the house since you last came to see me."

"I mean, I can't possibly know whether you've left the house or not-" 

"But you do," Phil challenges him. "Everything is right where you've left it. You know I haven't moved an inch. You know my keys are in the same place. You know all of that. And yet you still don't believe me."

"Can you blame me, though?" PJ frowns at him. "This is crazy. Not you. Just… this. All of this. What I've just shared with you… they're all just theories. That's all they are. Nothing about this has ever been proven."

"Weren't you the one who once said that not everything can be explained?" 

PJ sighs again. "All right. What I was trying to say is that… theoretically,"

"Theoretically," Phil repeats, looking at him in anticipation.

"If time is indeed meaningless, you could not only travel to a different universe, but also to a past or future version of our own universe."

"Really?" Phil's eyes widen and his breathing quickens.

"I mean, if we go with the theory that different probabilities lead to different universes, then no, not exactly. It wouldn't be our own universe, but… close enough? "

#5674

"So you're hoping to go back to the past, then?" Lawyer Dan #2 asks. They're both sitting at the kitchen table, sipping on tea while listening to the rain softly pattering against their window. It's quite an idyllic image of domesticity, one that Phil has missed dearly. It's good to have a morsel of normality in the midst of all the chaos that Phil's life has turned into. 

This is probably the Dan Phil has spent the least amount of time with, which is sad, really, because he's lovely. (Not that the others weren't.) Every Dan is special in his own way, and Phil appreciates the time he has spent with each and every one of them. Even the married one, though Phil is glad he's only been to that universe one. 

"Yes, since going to the future didn't work out. I mean, there are probably different versions of the future too, I'm just… hoping that maybe I can change the past."

Dan nods. "I get that. It would make the most sense, since you two could just start over right where you left off."

"Exactly." Phil smiles, happy to be understood for once.

"What about going to a world where the outcome of the accident is different, though? Have you thought about that? Like, what if you traveled to one where you died instead of me? I bet that Dan could use all the comfort you would bring him."

"I… have thought about it, yes." Phil hums, trying not to picture that Dan in his mind, a Dan who is all sad and broken and alone just like Phil feels right now. Hel almost shudders at the thought. "But if I go to a place where I am dead, and everyone there knows that I died… then I can't stay there forever, can I? I mean, I would just spook everyone up. They would think I was a ghost or a vampire or something."

Dan chuckles at that. "True. I guess I just got a little bit sad thinking about how alone that Dan must be feeling." 

"And I really wish I could help him," Phil continues when Dan looks down to his side. He even feels as brave as to touch this Dan's hand and then intertwine their fingers together when the man doesn't protest. "But I mean, the jumping is random anyway. I can't choose where I go. I can only hope it will take me where I want it to."

"I sincerely hope you'll find him again, Phil." Dan says, giving Phil's hand a tight squeeze.

"I hope I will too." Phil squeezes his hand back.

#6794

"Phil! How nice to see you again!"

Not this one again.

"Hi, Dan! How's Henry?" Is that really the first thing you're going to ask after who knows how much time has passed since you last saw this Dan? 

"Henry's fine! We just came back from Japan."

Phil's heart would break a little more if he had any of it left. All the little pieces had been turned to dust the moment Phil got that phone call. 

He feels a little bit sick, if he's being honest. Japan was their thing. Japan was where they made all those promises.

"I heard you and Susan got engaged?" Dan asks and Phil can only nod with much more distaste than a person who is talking about their engagement should probably show. "That's wonderful! I sure hope I'll get invited to the wedding!" 

Dan laughs, and this is probably one of the only times when that sound has failed to make Phil feel better. 

'What happened between us?' Phil wants to ask, but he doesn't have to. If he thinks about it hard enough, he can almost see this other Phil's memories. They're all stored somewhere up there, and Phil is not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. 

How much longer can his brain keep up with memories from dozens of alternate timelines, all mashed together? How much until Phil gets crushed under the weight of it all? Is that why he always struggles with remembering stuff from his own universe? Wait, which one was that again? 

"Did you say something?" Dan frowns when Phil doesn't answer, and Phil has to shake himself out of the transe he's just been put under.

He doesn't have to ask Dan because he already knows. He knows that they grew up together and that their parents always thought they'd end up together, but ultimately, life pulled them in different directions. Could Phil change that? Should he try to? He's not a homewrecker. He's not above wrecking a home if it leads him back to Dan, though.

And yet, and yet….  

It feels wrong. Kissing that Dan in Portugal felt right, as wrong as it was.

This does not feel right. 

It's not our time yet, his mind supplies. They'll find their way back to each other some day, but that day is not today. And even if said day never comes, it's ok. Dan's still part of his life here. It's better to have him as a friend than not have him at all. There are plenty of universes where they're just friends, and that's fine. It's all fine.

"Of course you're invited." Phil gives him a warm smile. And that's all there is to it.

He lets him go. F̶o̶r̶ n̶o̶w̶.

Chapter 5: It has all happened before

Summary:

Hi and welcome to the end! I honestly don't know what possessed me to write this, but I appreciate every comment!

The title of this chapter is from "Dust It Off" by The Dø.

"I will find you in any world, Phil."

 

"And I will find you."

 

---

???

 

They meet when they are kids again. They don't get along at first, but then they learn to, eventually.

 

???

 

Dan is a barista. Phil orders too many caramel macchiatos and always spills them on his clothes. One time Dan grabs a napkin to help him clean up and Phil gives it back to him with his phone number written on it.

 

???

 

They're just friends again. But it's ok. They still love each other.

 

???

 

Dan survives the accident, only to die a day later in the hospital.

 

???

 

Phil switches places with him and survives, but ends up in a coma. The doctors don't think he'll wake up. Dan refuses to let him go and is begging him to wake up every day. He thinks it's his fault.

 

???

 

They both die in the accident. Their hands are clasped together.

 

???

 

They're business rivals. They end up making out on Phil's desk.

 

???

 

They get married in spring. Then in autumn. They elope in another universe. Phil's mom cries every time.

 

???

 

They have two dogs. One of them is called Susan.

 

???

 

They get a hairless cat this time. Phil still sneezes for some reason.

 

???

 

They move to New York and break up. They find their way back to each other a few years later.

 

???

 

It's 2009 again. Phil is not so patiently waiting for a train.

???

 

They are old this time. They don't have much time left, but it's ok. They've lived a happy life together.

 

???

 

They don't meet until they are in their thirties. Dan is a sad lawyer married to a woman. Phil is just a guy he meets in a random shop on a random Tuesday morning. They still get their happy ending.

 

???

 

Phil is a weatherman. Dan is a storm chaser. Their paths cross again.

 

---

 

• I jump between 3 and 5 times per night.

• I jump even when I take a nap during the day.

• My headaches have been getting worse since I started jumping.

• My memory too. I̶ d̶o̶n̶'t̶ k̶n̶o̶w̶ h̶o̶w̶ m̶u̶c̶h̶ l̶o̶n̶g̶e̶r̶ I̶ c̶a̶n̶ d̶o̶ t̶h̶i̶s̶. I'll keep doing this until I find him.

• I sleep between 12 and 16 hours per day.

• I have 10 missed calls from my mom. Call mom.

• PJ is not the only one who has a key to o̶u̶r̶ my house.

• The other day I woke up to Bryony hovering over my bed.

• She thought I was dead because I didn't move when she called my name.

• We talked and she cried for 2 hours. I didn't.

• She doesn't believe me like PJ is starting to. 

• She thinks I should give antidepressants a try.

• I d̶o̶n̶'t̶ k̶n̶o̶w̶ h̶o̶w̶ t̶o̶ t̶e̶l̶l̶ h̶e̶r̶ I̶ d̶o̶n̶'t̶ n̶e̶e̶d̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶ b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ I̶ w̶o̶n̶'t̶ b̶e̶ h̶e̶r̶e̶ m̶u̶c̶h̶ l̶o̶n̶g̶e̶r̶.(That sounds bad, not like that.)

• She still feels guilty.

• I feel bad for our friends. They can't see him anymore like I do. They'll never see him again.

• I will see him again.

 

---

???

The notebook is not on his nightstand when he wakes up. Neither is the food from PJ. Everything else looks the same, though. Dan's side of the bed is still vacant, but it looks slept on, as opposed to the one in his universe that has not been touched in months. And it's still somewhat warm, almost as if it hasn't been empty for longer than a couple of minutes. Phil can already feel his heart picking up speed in anticipation. Could this be–?

"Phil? Did you steal my shampoo again?" A voice calls from the hallway. Phil's breath catches in his throat, not just because he's beyond relieved to hear the voice he knows all too well, but also because that's exactly how the morning of the accident started. 

A strange sense of déjà vu engulfs him again and he jumps to his feet in an instant. He hurries to the wall separating them and opens the door with too much force and too little grace. (Not that he had any of that to begin with.) 

Dan looks as beautiful as ever, stood there in their doorway with an expression that can only be described as pure adoration, under all the annoyance stealing a bottle of shampoo might have caused him. He's also naked, save for a towel thrown haphazardly around his middle. Phil doesn't wait for him to say anything before he pulls him in for a kiss even more forceful than the one he shared with the Dan he met in Portugal. 

This is not a romantic kiss. It's desperate and messy. It's a cry for help. It's all teeth and spit, and Dan is so taken aback that he almost falls backwards before Phil manages to catch him mid-air, which is another miracle in itself.

"What the fuck was that?" Dan laughs, half-amused, half-concerned, as he tries to wiggle his way out of Phil's death grip. Phil can't answer him, though. He doesn't let him go either. He just holds him closer, clings to him a little too tight for this to be a normal occurrence.

Sue him, he has no idea if he gets to keep this Dan. He didn't get to keep the other Dan that felt the most similar to his. This time, Phil will soak up every ounce of love and affection he can get from the love of his life before it's too late. He will lap it up like a man who has been stuck in the desert with no water for months. Because that's exactly what life without Dan felt like.

"Bub, what's going on? You're scaring me," Dan whispers, all specks of irritation gone from his voice. He sounds really worried now, and Phil can't blame him one bit. He must look like a complete mess, shaking and crying in Dan's arms in the middle of their hallway. Dan's towel is holding on for dear life, and Phil's not sure if Dan's chest is wet from the shower or his own tears anymore.

"Bad dream?" Dan guesses while Phil remains silent. Should he even tell him? It didn't go well last time. And if this really is his Dan, the cynical, depressed Dan who does not believe in anything that can't be proven by science, there is no way in hell he'll believe Phil. And it's probably a bad omen to talk about him dying anyway.

"I don't want to talk about it." Phil finally breathes out, and it's taken everything in him to utter that simple sentence. Dan only hums in response, but Phil can tell he's relieved to have heard his voice at all. He knows Dan. He knows him down to his bones, to his molecules. He'll never know anyone as well as he knows Dan. This is definitely his Dan, Phil is sure of it.

"Then we won't talk about it. But if you could let me breathe just a little bit, I would be very grateful. Because you're currently crushing my bones, and I'm not sure I'll make it out alive at this point."

It's a joke. A good one even. Something like that would normally make Phil huff a laugh, even in his most dreadful state. But he's not in the mood for such jokes now, not when Dan not making it is very much a possibility, as opposed to an event far away in the future that neither of them would like to think about. Point is, it hit a nerve. The comment. So he starts crying again.

"Hey, hey there!" Dan draws Phil's attention back to himself. "I have no idea what's going on right now, but I promise it will be ok, all right?" Phil shakes his head and now it's Dan's turn to pull him closer, one of his hands gently brushing Phil's fringe from his forehead, while the other lifts his chin carefully. "Look, if I knew that me asking about my shampoo would get you so upset, I would have washed my hair with shower gel."  

That does make Phil laugh. A bit. Only a little bit.

"I love you, shampoo thief." Dan gives him a little peck on the lips after that. Then another one. And another one. "It's going to be ok."

It won't, but in that moment, Phil believes him.

---

 

 

"PJ, can you do me a favor?" Phil asked, handing his friend a folded piece of paper.

"Sure, what is this?"

"Just give it to me. Soon."

"Give it to you… when?"

"You'll know. And give him a hug as well."

"Him?"

 

---

"Dan? Can I ask you something?" Phil asks later, after they've moved to their lounge to have breakfast. They've decided to take it easy today, seeing as Phil's an emotional wreck, and Phil is really grateful for that. 

They will most likely not be going out with Bryony today. But does it even matter? Will Dan just die some other day, just like he did in the other universe? Phil could keep him trapped inside their house for an eternity and Dan might still die. He could trip and hit his head or electrocute himself or… Oh god, what if they have another gas leak?

"Sure." Dan nods. He still sounds worried. And confused. He hasn't stopped looking at Phil like he might break. But that's ok, Phil is also looking at him like he might disappear any minute now.

"Why don't you believe in soulmates? And fate?" 

Dan frowns at that, dropping his spoon back into the bowl of cereal.

"Where's this coming from? Does it have anything to do with your dream?"

"Maybe?" Phil gulps, trying to convey with his eyes how important this is for him. Luckily, Dan gets it. He gets Phil.

"I think you will know. When it's the right one."

This has to be the right one. It has to.

"I mean, we've talked about this before, haven't we?" Dan puts the bowl down. "I don't like the idea of fate because it freaks me out. I don't want to think that everything has already been decided by a higher force or whatever, and that we have no power to change anything. I like to think that we can make our own choices in life. And it's the same with soulmates. Honestly I feel like-" He pauses to check on Phil. Phil gives him an encouraging smile. He knows that's what Dan needs when he feels like he's just rambling and nothing he says makes sense. 

"The idea of being destined to meet and be with someone goes against how fucking hard we've both worked for this? And I'm not saying that it's hard to love you, because fuck that, it's not. It's more like… We've both made a lot of sacrifices for this to work, right? And we're only human. We're flawed and we make mistakes and sometimes we piss each other off, but ultimately, it's our choice not to let a silly argument ruin the thing that we're both so proud of. Our happiness? This house? The way we are now? We fought for all of it, and we'll continue to do so. We make our own fate, Phil."

Phil might shed another tear or two by the end of his speech. But Dan doesn't need to know that.

 

---

I will fight for you, Dan. 

 

---

"Are you feeling any better? Still up to see Bry later today?"

"Yeah. Fuck it. Why not?"

Phil doesn't break a tiny mirror this time. And it's still raining, but he insists on both of them staying in the back of the car. He is tempted to switch places with Dan again, but then another world flashes before his eyes. He can almost hear another Dan crying over him, yelling at him to wake up. He suggests that they both sit in the back for a change.

Phil knows the accident will happen before it does. He can hear the awful screech of tires and he braces himself for impact before they're hit. He grabs Dan's hand from where it's resting between the two of them, and mutters a quick "I love you" under his breath, just in case. Maybe the accident will go differently this time, you never know. Maybe they'll both die. Or maybe Phil will, this time.

When he wakes up a few minutes later, he doesn't have to call Dan's name. He doesn't have to unbuckle his seatbelt and desperately look for him in the wreckage that the front of the car has turned into. He doesn't have to, because Dan is sitting right next to him, a terrified expression on his face. His head is still bleeding, but there is no metal bar protruding from his stomach.

Surely, surely he'll survive this. They both will.

Phil passes out.

.

 

The next time he wakes up, he's in a hospital bed. And he can tell that from the bright lights and the sterile smell, as well as the IV line in his hand. (The hand that still bears the scars from the mirror accident. Phil wonders how Dan hasn't noticed them yet.) Overall, it's the same image he woke up to following Dan's death, only that it's not his mom's concerned face hovering over his bed this time. It's Dan himself, wobbling a worried lip between his teeth.

Dan looks all right, save for the bandage on his forehead. He is alive, and that's what matters. Phil wants to smooth the frown between his eyebrows, so he does. Dan takes his hand and carefully places it back on the bed.

"You knew, didn't you?" Dan gets straight to the point. No "Hello! How are you? Are you in any pain? Do you need me to call a nurse? It's so good to see you awake!", no nothing. But then again, Dan has never been the kind to bullshit his way around a question.

"You grabbed my hand," Dan continues when Phil doesn't say anything. "You said I love you before that idiot even crashed into us. You insisted on me staying in the back with you… You, you… you knew, didn't you? Was it your dream? Is that why you were acting so weird this morning? Holy shit, did you actually have a prophetic dream? Are you telling me you actually inherited your grandma's psychic abilities? The driver died. Was I meant to die with him?"

Phil smiles. He must look like a maniac, grinning from ear to ear while they're both sitting there, all battered and bruised in a hospital bed.

"Didn't you say we make our own fate?"

 

.

 

"I still can't believe you had a prophetic dream."

It's been three days since the accident, and Phil's nights have been blissfully dreamless.

He's staying here. He's actually staying.

"Stranger things have happened." Phil shrugs, sipping on his coffee.

He's still scared, don't get him wrong. He still flinches at every loud sound he hears. He still refuses to let Dan out of his sight. He's still scared that one day he'll start dreaming of alternate timelines again and go back to his own universe. He'll probably never fully recover from everything he's been through. All the pain and grief? Part of it will probably follow him until it's his own time to go. But he's confident that together, they can heal. Because together, they can do anything, as cheesy as that might sound. The balance of the universe has finally been restored.

And as a wise person once said, death may be inevitable, but first, we get to live.

"What happened to your hand, by the way? I forgot to ask."

---

Somewhere in another universe, a perplexed Phil is looking at an equally perplexed PJ, who is holding up a folded piece of paper. That Phil quickly finds out that it's a note written by himself. He doesn't remember writing it, but it has his own handwriting and signature. That shouldn't be possible, but somehow, it is.

Dear Phil,

 

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know exactly what you're going through, and I know that there are no words that could possibly console you right now. I can't give you any advice either. I haven't learned how to deal with all the pain and grief myself. I'm sorry for being selfish, but I can't live without him. Maybe you will be able to, or maybe you won't. Maybe you'll start searching for him like I did, in which case, good luck! And remember, there is no answer, but Dan is the answer.

 

Yours, 

Phil

 

PS: Give PJ and Bryony a big hug. They need it as much as you do.

PSS: You'll find him again one day. I know you will. There's no universe where you don't.

 

---

 

The distinction between the past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. - Albert Einstein.

Notes:

Did you catch The Good Place reference at the end there? And Dan's quote from his show. Thank you for reading!

Edit: I went off anon thanks to everyone being so nice and welcoming, thank you! 💛 I don't even know what I was so scared of, I've been posting fics for years now lol.

Edit 2: I got an idea for a companion piece from Dan's pov, fingers crossed that I'll get to do it soon 🤞

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Immortals