Echoes of the Past

by HendersonSupremacy

Summary:

‘’So, I’ve talked to Steve’’ Tony says.

Ah, so that's why then. Stark doesn't need him anymore. He’s already convinced Steve enough. Bucky stays silent.

‘’And I guess we were wondering, if, you know, you’d be comfortable coming to live with us. At the tower. Steve came back last week, and I’ve talked to T’Challa too. He says if you are ready…’’

‘’Okay’’ Bucky agrees almost immediately.

He likes Wakanda.

It is peaceful.

But it is not home.

OR

Tony tries to be the bigger person (it ends up with Steve and Bucky being in close proximity with each other and the other Avengers every single day) (and Bucky refusing to admit he likes it)

Notes:

Sorry if there's plot holes, honestly, I'm just here for the Domestic Avengers and Stucky like I can't be asked to think farther rn (I'M TRYING)
Also, English isn't my first language so sorry if some things sound weird.

Chapter 1

Wakanda is peaceful.

 

Bucky is sitting by the water, fingers carding through the grass with his good arm, propped up on his metal one. He can hear the children laugh, probably up to no good somewhere around his hut. He feels her before he sees her, but he doesn't talk, not when she sits down beside him and not when she starts braiding the grass around his new metal arm. He only turns to look at her when she clears her throat, a few minutes later.

 

‘’He’s coming to see you’’

 

Bucky hums.

 

‘’Steve?’’ He assumes. His friend has been coming and going, never staying long enough for it to mean anything. Sometimes it feels like even if he never left, Bucky would miss him anyways. 

 

‘’No’’ Shuri says, looking up to stare him in the eyes and Bucky frowns

 

‘’Who?’’ he asks and there's a grave look in the younger girl's eyes. 

 

It hits him square in the chest when he realizes who she’s talking about. 

 

‘’Why?’’ He whispers but he knows why.

 

He knows Tony Stark has been looking for revenge since that day he learned what happened to his parents. Surely he must have proven not to be a threat if T’Challa allowed him to come, but it seems likely he is not coming here to get buddy-buddy with him. Bucky looks away, feeling the wind through his hair. If Stark came here to kill him, he probably would let him. 

 

Shuri shrugs, looking in the same direction as him, at the lake in front of them. She was rarely this silent.

 

‘’He says he wants to talk. Says he has an offer.’’

 

‘’An offer?’’

 

‘’Yes. He should get here in a few hours’’

 

‘’Okay’’ Bucky says, now pulling nervously at the grass. ‘’Should I- Is there anything I need to do to prepare?’’ 

 

The girl chuckles at that.

 

‘’I don't think so. My brother will come get you when the little King’s plane gets to our border’’

 

‘’The little King?’’

 

‘’That is what he calls Stark.’’

 

‘’Stark is not a king’’

 

‘’Might as well be’’ She says and she is right.

 

Bucky swallows. He is not scared, but it feels like he has been given a death sentence. He doesn't want to fight.

 

He only flinches a little when the girl puts her hand on his shoulder.

 

‘’My brother will protect you’’ She says, so sure of herself that Bucky cannot do anything but offer her a little lopsided smile

 

‘’I know’’ He says

 

He’s not sure he deserves it.

 

It takes a while before Shuri leaves, but when she does Bucky is gone not long after her. He walks towards the little hut he has learned to love, and he finds different clothes, as he expected. A simple T-shirt and jeans. He puts them on and looks down. He doesn't have a mirror here, but he can imagine how… normal he must look. How casual. 

 

It reminds him of a few months ago, only a few days after he was finally free.

 

Steve was sitting beside him in his hut. He had gotten there a few hours ago, as soon as he had learned the news. Bucky hadnt have any time to get ready, still wearing his robes. He didn't mind them usually, it was nothing like he had ever worn before, made him feel like a new man somewhat. It didn't make his mind buzz the same way it did when he smelt leather. Still, here, in front of Steve for the first time since he went to cryo sleep, he felt weirdly hyper aware of what he looked like to the other guy. 

 

He remembered him, most of the time. Captain America.

 

Steve. 

 

It was still hard for Bucky to make out most of the memories that twirled into his mind, but everytime he thought of something good, this guy’s face would be there. That had to count for something, surely.

 

Steve was talking, beaming up at him, and Bucky was simply listening. He didn't understand why Captain America would be so happy to see him, not after everything he had done, but he didnt feel like pointing it out, not when he looked at Bucky like he was the sun. 

 

Bucky raised a hand carefully and touched Steve’s collar, rubbing it between his two fingers to feel the fabric. Steve wasn't talking anymore, looking down at his hand. 

 

‘’You look different. Without the suit’’ Bucky explains

‘’Yeah’’ Steve says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. 

 

‘’I like it. Looks like my Steve.’’ Bucky says before realizing what he had said and dropping his hand. ‘’I mean the Steve from my memories. The tiny one’’

 

Steve had smiled at that, but there was something in his eyes and he left quickly after. Bucky felt cold.

 

They never mentioned it again.

 

A little knock on the threshold snatched Bucky away from the memory. T’Challa was standing in the doorway.

 

‘’Ready?’’ He asked

 

‘’Yeah I am.’’ Bucky nodded, and he walked out of his little home. 

 

When they got to the landing site, Stark was already there, talking with Shuri and her mother. He tensed a little when Bucky and T’Challa appeared in his sight but didnt stop talking, so Bucky figured at least he wouldn't try to kill him right there on the spot. 

 

‘’Your Majesty’’ Stark nodded when they were finally in front of him. ‘’Barnes’’ He said, acknowledging him with a cold nod. He didn't look him in the eyes.

 

Well that was promising.

 

‘’Mister Stark’’ T’Challa welcomed him. ‘’Now that you are here, will you finally tell us what brings you on this day?’’

 

‘’Yes.’’ Tony says, and his whole body tenses, the charming facade dropping. ‘’I thought-’’ He starts taking a small breath in. ‘’I thought me and Mr.Barnes could go on a walk’’

 

If Bucky didn't know better, he’d think Stark was nervous .

 

‘’A walk ?’’ T’Challa asks and suspicion seeps in his voice

 

‘’Yes. A walk’’ Stark repeats

 

‘’We can go on a walk’’ Shuri says

 

‘’No.’’ Tony insists. ‘’I want to take a walk with Mr.Barnes. Only.’’

 

Him and T’Challa seems to be having a fight though eyes contact only.

 

‘’Let’s go then.’’ Bucky says, stepping in. 

 

Everyone, including Stark, seems to be surprised by it but he holds their eye contacts. 

 

‘’Alright.’’ Tony says and Bucky leads him towards the forest. It is his favorite place to be, and it does seems perfect for a walk. 

 

‘’Wait.’’ T’Challa says, and for a second Bucky thinks he’s going to take Tony right back into his plane to send him away. ‘’I hope it goes without saying that this is a peaceful environment, Mr.Stark.’’

 

‘’Of course it does’’ Tony says, a little offended. ‘’I’m not wearing a suit, am I?’’

 

T’Challa considers him for a second but he ends up dismissing them. Bucky knows they’ll be watched anyways, from a distance. There's no place in Wakanda that isn't heavily surveilled. 

 

They walk silently for a while, way after they cross the entrance of the forest. Bucky is tense, half expecting the man beside him to start yelling. Last time he saw him, Tony Stark had tried to kill him. 

 

Bucky had deserved it.

 

The day is beautiful, the perfect temperature. Wind is still blowing softly and birds are singing. If Bucky wasn’t fighting every urge in his body to face the man walking by his side, this might’ve been enjoyable.

 

This is a threat. Eliminate the threat.

 

Bucky shakes his head and controls his breathing. He is at war with his own mind. It is the worst feeling in the world.

 

He knows this is a test for him just as much as it is for Stark. Is he able to control himself?

 

He stops dead in his tracks, Stark walking a few steps ahead before turning back to him, eyebrow raised.

 

‘’You have come here to kill me.’’ Bucky says, an affirmation more than a question

 

Starks huffs and pinches his nose in an annoyed way, making Bucky doubt for a second.

 

‘’I have not come here to- For fucks sake.’’ Starks mutters under his breath.

 

‘’Why, then?’’

 

‘’I have come here to take a walk. With you.’’

 

Bucky stares at him, unimpressed.

 

‘’Shuri said you had an offer.’’

 

‘’Did she?’’

 

‘’How much is my life worth, then?’’ Bucky asks. 

 

He doesnt think T’Challa would accept any kind of money offering, but he doesn't see any other thing that could make sense.

 

‘’I have NOT come here to kill you’’ Stark insists, voice raised.

 

‘’I have killed your parents.’’ Bucky says and Stark breath hitches at that.

 

They stare at each other for what feels an eternity before Stark speaks again

 

‘’Hydra did. You were just a pawn’’ Tony says, and it sounds like a script he has learned. Maybe something that was told to him a lot. Maybe something he told to himself a lot.

 

‘’It was still me. Still my hands’’ Bucky says, looking down at said hands, eyes burning through the metal one as if staring at it for long enough would make the blood from his hands fade away. It never did.

 

‘’I know’’ Tony says

 

‘’And yet you are here to take a walk with me’’ It hits Bucky then. He knows why the man has come. ‘’You want me to apologize?’’

 

‘’Apologies won't bring my mother back’’ Stark barks and Bucky flinches slightly backward.

 

‘’I am sorry’’ Bucky says and he sees the anger in the other man’s face, in the way he stand, tense as a bowstring.

 

‘’Dont’’ Stark growls. ‘’That’s not why I’m here’’

 

‘’Then why?’’ Bucky asks again.

 

‘’Steve is hiding away. With half of the team.’’

 

‘’You want me to find him?’’ Bucky asks, brows furrowing. Surely Stark wouldn't expect Bucky to betray his friend like that.

 

Unless it is a mission.

 

‘’Well, not really, no’’ Tony says, anger melting into awkwardness. ‘’I was hoping perhaps if he saw that I was… making efforts then he would come back.’’

 

‘’Why do you want him to come back? I thought you were mad at him.’’

 

‘’ I am .’’ Starks says and his voice is like thunder. ‘’But I guess I… The world needs their Captain America. And if I must be the bigger man then so be it’’

 

‘’And your solution is coming here to walk with me?’’

‘’Well, yes, that and getting your pardon from the state etcetera etcetera.’’

 

‘’You did what??’’ Bucky asks.

 

He knows that is a big deal. T’Challa has been trying to find ways for months to do that, but it was almost impossible without exposing Bucky’s cover.

 

‘’You’re all pardoned.’’ Stark repeats. ‘’Woohoo’’ He says half heartedly, making jazz hands in the air but only silence answers him. ‘’You’re welcome for that, by the way. Had to kiss Ross’s ass for months’’ 

 

‘’But why did you come here? Couldn't you just.. call Steve? Tell him?’’ Bucky asks, still confused.

 

‘’I suppose I could’ve. But first I wanted to come here. See if I could… tolerate you. Since we’d be around each other a whole lot.’’

 

‘’And?’’

 

‘’Suppose I could come take a walk with you every once in a while. Until I don't feel like repeatedly punching your head into a tree’’ He says, like a joke. Bucky knows it isn't. 

 

‘’Okay’’ Bucky nods, and he starts walking again.

 

‘’Where are you going?’’ Stark asks

 

‘’Walking’’ Bucky says, and so they do. They walk in silence for a long while before their steps takes them back to Tony’s plane. 

 

T’Challa isn't waiting for them. 

 

‘’I will see you next week.’’ Tony says and Bucky nods

 

It takes a lot of walking before Bucky feels comfortable enough to start conversation, or even participate in the one Stark would sometimes start himself, unable to stop once he starts rambling about some subject. They fall into a routine rather quickly, and Bucky sometimes catches himself looking forward to Stark’s visit. 

 

One day, as they are walking back, Bucky notices Tony is quieter than usual. He doesnt point it out, thinking Stark must have one of those days, the ones where he can barely look at Bucky. The ones where they walk for fifteen minutes before it is too much. 

 

Tony clears his throat, and Bucky looks up. They’ve reached his plane.

 

‘’See you next-’’ Bucky starts saying before Stark interrupts him

 

‘’Wait! Wait.’’ The man clears his throat again, clearly uncomfortable and Bucky furrows his brows.

Maybe he’s done something to offend the man, maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he won't be coming back. Bucky is surprised at the way his heart sinks slightly at the thought.  He supposes he’d started to see Tony Stark as a friend.

 

‘’What is it?’’ He asks, hoping his nervousness doesn't show in his voice.

 

‘’So, I’ve talked to Steve’’ He says.

 

Ah, so that's why then. Stark doesn't need him anymore. He’s already convinced Steve enough. Bucky stays silent.

 

‘’And I guess we were wondering, if, you know, you’d be comfortable coming to live with us. At the tower. Steve came back last week and I’ve talked to T’Challa too. He says if you are ready…’’

 

‘’Okay’’ Bucky agrees almost immediately. 

 

He likes Wakanda.

 

It is peaceful.

 

But it is not home.

 

‘’Great’’ Tony says, clapping a hand on his shoulder, startling him a little bit. ‘’So uh, I guess I’ll tell that to Rogers and we can call T’Challa and come pick you up somewhere this week. Sounds good?’’

 

‘’Sounds good’’ Bucky says with a little smile.

 

When Bucky falls asleep that night, he doesn't have a nightmare. Instead, he dreams of Brooklyn, of a tiny little apartment. Of Steve.

Chapter 2

Notes:

I made another little change for canon and made Peter know the Avenger before Civil War because it's just easier for the fluff (AND I WANT PETER TO BE THEREEEE)

Bucky’s bag hit the floor with a soft tud as he drops it in the entrance of ‘his quarters’.

 

It was nothing like his little hut back in Wakanda. That had felt humble, more his than this gigantic apartment could probably ever be.

 

‘’Welcome home, Sergeant Barnes.’’ The robotic voice of what Tony had called ‘Friday’ resonates in room, startling Bucky

 

‘’Don’t call me that’’ He says, heart beating furiously inside of his chest.

 

‘’I apologize.’’ Friday says. ‘’What would you like me to call you instead?’’

 

‘’Bucky.’’ He says, almost instinctively.

 

That was the only thing he was sure of. He was Bucky. He knew it, from the day that Steve called that name on the bridge. He was Bucky. He would never forget again.

 

‘’Okay, Bucky’’ Friday repeats after him and he relaxes a little. 

 

It’s just AI. That's what Tony had said. Like a robot without a body. It couldn't hurt him.

 

He trails his finger on the kitchen counter, all the way to the utensils drawer. He hates that it's the first place he checks, and he hates that he knows exactly what he’ll find in it. Plastic cutlery, no knives at all. 

 

He sighs and lets his eyes look over the furniture in the apartment. The kitchen, living room and dining room are pretty much one big gigantic room, with the wall to the left of the door being made entirely of windows with a view over the city. Bucky takes a few steps to look at it, but the height makes him dizzy. Before stepping away, he taps the window lightly. Reinforced. 

 

‘’Like the view?’’ A voice asks behind him.

 

He turns around and Steve is leaning in the doorway, head tilted in a question. Bucky waives for him to come in.

 

‘’Not so much.’’ He admits. ‘’It’s a little high’’

 

There's the ghost of an expression on Steve's face but it's gone in an instant, and he is smiling again. 

 

‘’Yeah, guess it is huh.’’ He says before turning to look at the ceiling. ‘’Friday, turn on the lights and close the blinds.’’

 

Theres suddenly a sound behind Bucky and when he turns he sees electric blinds closing, imitating the color of the other walls. 

 

‘’What-’’ Bucky says, placing his hand flat on it as soon as they’re completely closed. He wonders for a moment if there was ever a window there, if he made it all up. 

 

‘’Yeah, I know’’ Steve says, now standing only a few careful steps behind him. ‘’First time I saw it I spent most of the day opening it and closing it back just to make sure I didn't dream it’’

 

‘’This is nothing like Brooklyn’’ Bucky whispers, and to anyone else that would probably be a good thing. They were broke, in a tiny apartment that they could barely afford to heat in the winter.

 

But to Bucky, that was his cold tiny apartment. With his Steve.

 

It was Steve’s sketches all over the walls (Bucky had insisted they hang at least a few, and from there it became chaos rather quickly). It was a hot cup of tea waiting for him at home when he came home from work, no matter what time his shift ended. It was drifting off on the couch on a summer afternoon to the scratching of pen and paper and the sound of rain on the windows.

 

‘’Yeah,’’ Steve says, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing slightly. The touch doesn’t bother Bucky the way it usually does. ‘’I know’’

 

Bucky lets his hand fall from the wall and turns to face Steve instead. He wonders how much he remembers about their apartment. Probably more than he did. He doesn't ask.

 

‘’Do  you still draw?’’ He asks instead

 

‘’You remember that?’’ Steve says, chuckling nervously.

 

‘’Yes.’’ Bucky says. ‘’I remember a bunch. I’m just… sometimes I can't tell what is real. I see your face a lot. I think I really liked your drawings.’’

 

There's a beat of silence

 

‘’I still draw’’ Steve answers his question but he seems a little too emotional for what Bucky thinks he can handle right now, so he steps towards the door, in a hurry to leave that apartment.

 

‘’Show me’’ He says and Steve nods, taking the lead to bring Bucky to his own place in Avenger Tower

 

Steve’s apartment is very similar to his own, except it seems more lived in. There are dirty dishes in the sink, a hoodie lazily hung on one of the chairs. There's a few pictures on the wall over the couch. Steve laughing with a redhead girl and Sam, Steve with the Avengers, Steve with a smiling kid standing on his shoulder (How did he even do that???). There's even one of Steve and Tony, both wearing their suits and seemingly arm wrestling with a long haired guy cheering in the background. A much older one, of Steve and Bucky, is the central piece.

 

‘’Oh, yeah, sorry about that.’’ Steve says, his cheeks becoming a perfect tint of light pink. ‘’I didn't come here since the UN-  haven't been living here for a while’’ He corrects himself

 

Bucky recognize the girl as the one who helped them back at the airport. he taps a finger on the picture.

 

‘’That your girlfriend?’’ Bucky asks, ignoring the way his stomach turns at the thought. ‘’She’s pretty.’’

 

Steve almost chokes when Bucky mentions the girl, making him turn around to look at his friend, who went from pink to red in a matter of seconds.

 

‘’NO. Oh God, no. Nat is a friend. Probably one of my best friends.’’

 

‘’Why you red like that, then?’’ Bucky teases, reaching up to trace Steve’s freckles on his red cheeks. He thinks that's something he did often, before. 

 

Steve lips are parted slightly, staring at Bucky and he realizes he probably overstepped. Steve probably doesn't want Bucky to touch him anymore, not with those hands. They have too much blood on them. He lets his arms fall numbly by his side and just as he is about to apologize, the kid from the picture barges in.

 

‘’STEVE??’’ The new arrival shout, and before he even get an answer, he jumps into Steve’s arm (From literally halfway across the room, is this kid an acrobat or something?) 

 

Steve laughs and twirls the kid around a little bit. Bucky thinks this should be a picture, too. 

 

‘’You’re back then? You’re really back?’’ The kid asks when Steve puts him down, holding onto his arm with misty eyes like he thinks Steve might disappear into thin air. 

 

‘’Yeah kiddo. I’m back.’’ Steve says, ruffling his hair with his free arm.

 

‘’You and Mister Stark are never allowed to fight again.’’ He says with an authoritative tone that sounds almost comical with his high pitch.

 

‘’We’ll do our best, how about that?’’ Steve asks. 

 

The kid frowns, unsatisfied by the answer but quickly gets distracted when he notices Bucky standing next to them.

 

‘’Ah, uh, hello sir. I mean, Mister Barnes. Hello, Mister Barnes.’’ He rambles, placing his hand in front of him like he wants a handshake. 

 

Bucky shakes his hands

 

‘’Bucky. Call me Bucky.’’

 

‘’Cool. Mr. Bucky, I’m Peter.’’

 

‘’Okay Mister Peter. Nice to meet you’’

 

‘’We’ve met before, actually? You probably don’t remember, that's fine. You know, I catched your arm? In the airport? And then we fought with cars and stuff. It was awesome.’’

‘’Wait, you’re the little red guy?’’ Bucky asks, confused while the little guy is still shaking his hand enthusiastically

 

‘’SpiderMan, sir. That's me’’ The kid says, grinning up at him. ‘’Sorry, by the way, about the whole fight thing. I thought you were a bad guy.’’

 

Bucky doesn't have it in him to tell the kid he is a bad guy. 

 

‘’Okay, Pete, you can let go of his hand now’’ Steve says and Peter does. 

 

‘’Right, my bad. Sorry, it's just, I was getting out of school and then all of a sudden Mr. Stark was there and he said you were back so that was prettyyyy crazy’’ 

 

Bucky can’t help but snort even though the kid's constant rambling is starting to make him dizzy. 

 

‘’Well well look who’s here.’’ Another voice comes from the doorway and Bucky is starting to feel more and more overwhelmed.

 

‘’Hey Nat’’ Steve says, smiling and he walks away from Bucky to go hug her.

 

‘’OHHHH MY GOOODDDDDDD HI NAT’’ The kid follows quickly behind Steve.

 

Bucky feels his heart sink as the three of them hug in the doorway. It should be heartwarming to see, but they are blocking the only exit and Bucky feels extremely…out of place. Stuck. His breath accelerates as he scans the room for any other door. There isn't any.

 

His eyes stop on the windows, and his thoughts are going faster than his brain. He can either try to push them away from the door, or jump.

 

To go where?

 

‘’Buck. Bucky? Hey, Bucky, you with me?’’ A voice snaps him back to the present and he goes into autopilot mode, throwing a punch without thinking first.

 

A hand catches it, and he blinks at it, recognizing the fingers wrapped around his wrist immediately, snapping the fight out of him. He lets his limbs go soft again but it's too late, he’s already pinned to the ground, face pressed against Steve’s hardwood floor.

 

The room goes silent for a minute and Bucky closes his eyes, liftin his head and knocking it gently at the ground in frustration. They’re gonna send him back now.

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He whispers, although he isn't sure anyone can hear him. ‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’’

 

‘’Let him go Nat.’’ Steve says and his friend does after a moment of hesitation.

Bucky doesn't move, still facing the ground. 

 

‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry’’ He keeps repeating and he thinks he feel someone kneeling beside him

 

‘’Okay guys, I think you should go.’’ Steve says, his voice cutting through the fog in Bucky’s mind.

 

‘’And leave you alone with him?’’ The redhead asks.

 

Bucky wants to scream no, that he’s a threat, that they need to send him back but then Steve speaks

 

‘’He won’t hurt me’’

 

And there's so much faith in that voice, so much trust that Bucky could sob. He could sob right here on this floor. Because he doesn't know why Steve believes in him so damn hard, but it makes him want to believe too.

 

The other two leave quietly after that, and Steve stays by his side the whole time, not quite touching him but hovering over him, whispering soothing words that Bucky can’t make out but still focuses on. By the time his breathing calms down and he comes back to himself, he realizes that his cheeks are all wet. 

 

He's been crying. Here, in front of Steve.

 

The weight of shame makes his stomach churns and he feels so incredibly mad at himself for losing control like that, first day back. He lets out a groan.

‘’Hey pal. You’re back?’’

 

He sits up, avoiding Steve’s gaze as he does so.

 

‘’Yeah. I’m sorry.’’ he says again, but this time he’s apologizing for something else entirely. He didnt mean for Steve to see him like that.

 

‘’You’re fine. Nobody is hurt.’’ 

 

‘’You could’ve been’’

 

‘’But I’m not’’ Steve insist. ‘’Buck, look at me.’’

 

When he lifts his eyes up to meet Steve’s stare, Steve gives him a small smile and lifts his palm up.

 

‘’See?’’ He insists. ‘’All good.’’

 

‘’I should go.’’ Bucky says, getting up and walking towards the door but Steve stops him.

 

‘’Wait!’’

 

‘’What?’’ Bucky asks, not turning to look at him again.

 

‘’You wanted to see my drawings, right? I have them- I can- If you sit down at the table I can go get my sketchbook?’’

 

Bucky knows this is a ploy for him to stay longer, that Steve probably thinks he’s not stable enough to be on his own yet, that he’s a threat . Still, he is genuinely curious about Steve’s drawings, as it is at the center of what he remembers most. He turns around slowly and walks away from the door and towards the table, ignoring the itch under his skin that is trying to push him back to the empty apartment that is meant to be his.

 

Steve seems to understand that as a yes since he hurries towards his bedroom and comes out a few moments later, victorious, holding up the sketchbook in his hands.

 

He sits down in front of Bucky at the table, their knees knocking against each others, and pushes the now open sketchbook toward him.

 

‘’It’s not my best work, since I don't really have time to practice anymore but…’’ Steve trails off and Bucky  flips through the pages silently, tracing the drawings with his fingers.

 

They are of people. All of them, he realizes as he sees a drawing of the long haired men from the picture, asleep on a couch or one of the young boy with a proud look on his face. 

 

There’s a lot of him in those pages, and Bucky can tell that Steve gets awkward every time he reaches yet another page with his face on it. His favorite one is a drawing of them both. He knows where it's from, that video of them laughing that he saw in the museum. Steve somehow managed to draw them from it, he assumes. 

 

‘’You like it?’’ Steve asks when he lingers on the page

 

‘’It’s beautiful.’’ He says when his finger reaches Steve’s happy face on the page.

 

‘’You were always my favorite thing to draw.’’ Steve admits. ‘’Do you remember, back in Brooklyn?’’ 

 

‘’You’d start a sketch of me doing anything back then’’ Bucky smiles. He does remember.

 

‘’Yeah.’’ Steve smiles. ‘’They’d always turn out good. Even now.’’ He adds, skipping a few pages until he gets to a more recent one, of Bucky in Wakanda.

 

Bucky furrows his brows.

 

‘’You’ve never brought your sketchbook with you’’

 

‘’No, I did those from memory.’’ Steve explains and Bucky’s mouth falls opens a little bit

 

The amount of details in the drawing is incredible for something made only by memory, and Bucky feels like he has trouble breathing again.

 

‘’Can I go?’’ He asks, looking at Steve

 

‘’Of course you can go.’’ Steve answers, although theres seems to be a little disappointment in his face. ‘’You don’t have to ask.’’

 

‘’Okay’’ Bucky says, getting up slowly, looking at the sketch one last time before leaving

 

Steve follows him to the door but stops there.

 

There is no explanation for the way Bucky’s chest tightens when he hears the door close softly behind him.

Chapter 3

Notes:

I hated this chapter and then I kinda loved it and now I'm just confused so hey, hope YOU enjoy

Bucky spends the rest of the day alone in his apartment, wandering in the dark. (Mostly because he couldn't find the light switch. Realized a little too late that he’d have to ask Friday every time.) He tried turning on the TV to distract himself but it was bright and loud and he just felt odd, like maybe he shouldn't be here at all. 

 

This was off to a terrible start. 

 

It didn't feel the way he thought he would, the way he remembered New York felt before, warm, like a sunset. Instead it feels cold like a marble floor, everything too clean, too technological. Reminds him of a lab just enough to feel uneasy.

 

It’s not like he didn’t have ANY contact with technology, Wakanda had its share of it, but he didn't really interact with it unless he went to Shuri’s lab, which wasn’t often (He’d try to avoid it as much as possible). He’d seen the big flat TV’s in Romania too, but he never cared much for those either. It just always makes him feel so inadequate, a constant reminder that he does not belong in this century.

 

A soft knock on the door interrupts his thoughts and he gets up to open it, only slightly annoyed. It's not that he doesn't want to be with people, he just thought maybe they’d leave him be, just for the rest of the day. He misses Wakanda already, misses the way the only thing to ever really pull him out of thoughts would be the bleating of goats or the splashing sound of children playing further up in the lake.

 

He doesn't know why he was so eager to leave, doesn't remember until he opens the door and Steve is on the other side with a plate full of food. (Way too much food)

 

‘’Hi’’ His friend says.

 

‘’Hi’’ Bucky answers but his voice is a little croaky and he realize he haven’t had anything to drink yet today, his mouth like coton.

 

‘’I brought this for you’’ Steve raises the plate of food to emphasize it. ‘’I didn’t want to bother you earlier and figured you could eat dinner after everyone if you didnt feel comfortable but you never came down at all, so…’’ 

 

Bucky looks down at the ridiculous amount of food of the plate and Steve seems to read his thoughts because he keeps going.

 

‘’Yeah, I noticed you didn’t eat much for lunch on the plane either and I thought you might be hungry.’’

 

Bucky raises an eyebrow and Steve chuckles.

 

‘’I mightve overdone it.’’ His friend admits with a sheepish smile and when a laugh finds its way out of Bucky’s mouth he’s barely even surprised by it.

 

‘’You think?’’ 

 

Steve is grining now, and Bucky moves to let him in as he makes his way to his counter and to place the plate down.

 

‘’Thank you’’ Bucky says, scratching his neck. ‘’I didnt realize it was dinner time. Sorry.’’

 

‘’Weren’t you hungry?’’ Steve asks. ‘’Its almost 8’’

 

‘’I dont really get hungry anymore’’ Bucky shrugs but the look of concern on Steve’s face makes him self conscious. ‘’What?’’

 

‘’Nothing it’s just- You don’t get hungry? At all?’’

 

‘’Had to go without a lot, during the war and then missions… Guess after a while I just stopped feeling it.’’ Bucky frowns, suddenly worried. ‘’Is that a bad thing? I’m sorry’’

 

‘’No, you have nothing to be sorry about, Buck.’’ Steve says, taking a few steps towards him like he want to reassure him but staying just out of reach. Bucky’s heart shrinks a little at the thought perhaps Steve is afraid of him. ‘’But no it isnt a good thing either. Not for you. You have to eat.’’ Steve says

 

‘’I know. I eat, when I remember’’

 

‘’What about Wakanda? How did you know when to eat then?’’

 

‘’Had a little clock by the bed that would ring at lunchtime and dinnertime so i could join the others if I felt like it. Other times if I wasnt in my hut when it rang one of the child would notice I wasnt there and come get me. Sometimes Shuri too.’’

 

‘’Okay’’ Steve nods. ‘’I can come get you, if you’d like.’’

 

‘’That’s fine’’ Bucky says. ‘’You don’t have to, tho. I could probably figure it out. Maybe keep the blinds open, look at the sun.’’

 

Steve chuckles a but at that. 

 

‘’You gonna guess lunchtime and dinnertime based on the sun?’’

 

‘’That’s how I used to do it, I think. At the docks. I was working there, right?’’

 

‘’You remember the docks?’’

 

‘’A little. Not much. I remember it was exhausting. But I think I liked it’’

 

‘’You did’’ Steve smiles softly. ‘’You said it was mindless work, you just had let your body take over and then come home when you were done. Said it gave you a break.’’

 

Bucky looks down at his hands. He doesn't know how he could've ever trusted his body enough to simply let it take over. He supposes that's probably what he was doing when he was the Winter Soldier, although it never felt like he had a break, his mind always painfully aware of everything he was doing.

 

‘’I remember coming home’’ Bucky says, redirecting the conversation. ‘’You always stayed up, waited for me.’’

 

‘’I did. Had to make sure you punk weren't going to bed without getting food into ya.’’

 

‘’I brought lunch at the docks’’ Bucky argues

 

‘’Never enough.’’ Steve argues right back

 

‘’You needed it more’’ 

 

‘’I was staying home drawing commissions all day. I had more than my share’’

 

Bucky shakes his head, disapproving, although he thinks it’s more out of habit than anything. 

 

‘’Looks like you still makin’ sure I’m not going to bed without food, huh?’’ 

 

‘’I guess I am’’ Steve smiles, looking back at the plate. ‘’You should eat. I reheated it but it’s gonna get cold again.’’

 

‘’Yes Captain’’ Bucky says teasingly, and Steve looks at him, unimpressed.

 

‘’Ha.Ha.Ha.’’

 

‘’You hungry? I can’t eat all that’’ Bucky says.

 

He knows Steve has already eaten, that Bucky was annoyed by the knocks on his door only a few minutes ago, but now that he’s standing here in front of Steve, well the loneliness of his empty place doesn’t seem so interesting anymore.

 

‘’Guess I could stay for a bite’’ Steve says, joy gleaming in his eyes. ‘’Want some tea? Coffee?’’

 

‘’I could go for a tea.’’ Bucky says, not bothering to mention it's because he remembers Steve used to make it for him. He wonders if it will taste the same. He wonders if he’d even know if it did.

 

‘’Tea it is then’’ Steve says, putting water in the kettle and opening a cupboard, that is literally filled to the brim with food and ingredients and so much stuff that Bucky actually blinks to make sure he’s not hallucinating.

 

‘’Were you guys scared I was going to starve or something?’’

 

‘’I know, it's crazy’’ Steve laughs a little.‘’It’s like that in all the apartments around the Tower, although we all mostly eat in the communal space together. Fridge is probably filled too.’’

 

‘’Why’d you bring food then?’’ Bucky asks.

 

Steve looks at him guiltily 

 

‘’Busted. I wanted to see how you were doing too.’’ He admits. ‘’I felt bad, for earlier. Should've warned you Pete might be coming...I didn't mean to corner you.’’

 

‘’No.’’ Bucky opposes. ‘’It’s me. I’m…’’ Out of control. A lost cause.

 

‘’Recovering’’ Steve says. ‘’You’re doing good, Buck, really. You’re not to blame here. We’ll be more careful. One day at a time, right?’’

 

‘’Right’’ Bucky says half-heartedly, but before Steve can pick up on it, he grabs the plate and walks to the table. Steve follows shortly once their drinks are ready.

 

Bucky doesn't know if the tea tastes the same as it used to. But it's good. Sitting here, Steve pretending to pick food from the plate so that Bucky will keep eating, talking about stuff as if they’d never gone to war at all. As if they were just Steve and just Bucky, not Captain America and The Winter Soldier. Just two friends enjoying dinner. It feels normal, casual. It brings Bbucky way back.

 

They even share a chocolate bar for dessert. Bucky has plenty in the cupboard, but they still share it because it would be weird to have their own. Wouldn’t feel right.

 

When Steve leaves, hours later, Bucky feels a little warmer, a memory washing over him like a wave at shore.

 

‘’What's got you smiling like that, boy?’’ His father asks

 

‘’Nothing’’ Bucky waives him off, wiping the smile off his face

‘’It's a lady, isn't it? I can tell. Lovesick, aren’t ya, my boy?’’ He pressed the matter, a hand on his shoulder. ‘’She got you that chocolate, for your birthday?’’ He asks, pointing to the chocolate bar Bucky is holding between his fingers

 

Bucky hesitates for a moment. He doesn't like lying to his father, but he knows if he tells the truth this once, it might not end well. His eyes catches his dad’s gaze, looking at him with a playful smile, and he knows his father would see right through him if he lied. 

 

‘’Theres no dame.’’ He says, truthful. 

 

‘’Who got you that, then?’’

 

‘’Steve did’’ Bucky admits, looking away again.

 

‘’Ain’t that Steven’s boy family strugglin’? How’d manage to buy it?’’ His dad asks, brow furrowing.

 

‘’He said he’d been savin’ up.’’ Bucky says, lips curling back up as he recalls the earlier conversation. 

 

Steve had been so happy to give this to him. Said he’d sell his drawings, knocked doors to doors uptown and asked people if they wanted their portraits done. Said it’d taken him months. Bucky had offered to share but Steve had shoved the chocolate in his hand.

 

‘’If you don’t take that chocolate, James Buchanan Barnes, I aint ever talkin’ to you again’’

 

So Bucky had taken it, of course, he had, because there is no world in which Steve not talking to Bucky would end well.

 

‘’Ah’’ His father says, hand dropping from his shoulder. ‘’He’s a good friend, that boy’’

 

‘’Yeah.’’ Bucky says. ‘’The best.’’

 

His dad hadn’t said anything else that night. It took weeks for them to be able to have a conversation that didn't feel oddly awkward, for his father not to look away every time Bucky would mention Steve.

 

Bucky wondered if his dad knew then. 

 

Lovesick his father had called him.

 

Maybe he was.

Chapter 4

He is on a motorcycle. He’s efficient. He’s fast.

 

The car crashes easily. It takes only a few seconds for The Soldier to turn back around and reach it again. 

 

Good. If The Soldier is quick enough, maybe they’ll put him straight to sleep after. Maybe he won’t even need the chair. 

 

There’s a man crawling out of the car. His mission. He knows this face, he has learned it, memorized it until he knew there would not be an inch of a doubt when he would see it. The man speaks, but he does not listen. He grabs his head and hits, hits, hits until he knows there will be no recovery. He ignores the cries of the woman, pretending the name she screams doesn't stir something in him. Recognition? 

 

If The Soldier was foolish, he’d think perhaps the younger face that flashes in his mind when he hears ‘Howard’ would be the same as the old man’s he was holding. But The Soldier is not foolish. He places the man back on his seat, not lingering on his face any more than strictly necessary. 

 

He walks to the other side of the car, where the woman is still wailing. 

 

‘’HOWARD!!’’ she cries out again, desperately. 

 

The Soldier wants her to stop. His head is hurting. ‘Howard Stark made that shield for me’. He doesn't know who that voice in his head is. He doesn't know why it makes his heart aches. He wraps his hand around the lady’s throat.

 

Make it stop.

 

Make it stop.

 

Make it

 

‘’STOP!’’ A scream sounds behind him.

 

He turns around and the scene is different. There is no more car. No more forest. There is just The Soldier, and a man in an Iron Suit. He knows the man, he’s sure of it. If only he could focus. His mind is static, his lungs are filling with lead.

 

‘’You killed them’’ The man says, and his voice breaks

 

The Soldier raises his gun. He doesn't want to kill the man for some reason, his whole body aches just with the thought of it. But he must. He has seen. He knows too much.

 

The Soldier has to be quick. If he stays out too long, they’ll put him in the chair. He cannot hesitate.

 

He pulls the trigger.

 

 

 

Bucky sits up straight in the bed, startled as a sob makes its way to his throat. He looks around the room, lost for a second as he does not recognize where he is. 

 

It was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. 

 

He thinks to himself, letting his heartbeat slowly get back to a normal rate

 

‘’I am James Bucky Barnes. This is 2017. Hydra is gone. Hydra is gone. Hydra is gone.’’ He whispers in the dark room. 

 

He realizes that tears are falling from his eyes, but he doesn't bother hiding them. There is no one here to witness how weak he is. Sometimes the tears are his only way of knowing he still has a heart.

 

Howard. He’d dream of Howard.

 

He’d dream of Tony. The very same man he was living under the roof of. 

 

He’d dream of killing him. 

 

Shivers runs down Bucky’s spine as the nightmare plays back in his head, Tony’s broken voice repeating over and over and over. 

 

He’d killed them. He did. 

 

Bucky had killed Tony’s parents, and yet he was here, sleeping in his home.

 

Why?

 

He gets up from the bed as if it burned him, making his way to the bathroom quickly. He cannot breathe. He turns on the sink and splashes his face with ice-cold water until it feels real again, until it hurts and prickles. When he raises his eyes again, he’s met with his reflection in the mirror.

 

The man on the other side seems terrified, panting with a horrified look in his eyes that makes Bucky want to look away. His beard needs to be shaved, and his shoulder-length hair is dripping with water. He hates it. It doesn't feel like him, on the other side of that mirror.

 

He looks at himself for another minute. Then he whistles, just a part of a song, one he knew from when he was a kid.

 

‘’You whistlin' again, Buck. I can't focus on my drawings.’’

 

Bucky laughs lightheartedly before turning to Steve, gel still covering his hands.

 

‘’Sorry Steve, I can’t help it.’’

 

‘’Well I gotta get this commission back to the newspaper before tomorrow so I’d appreciate it if you would help it.’’

 

‘’Ah come on, Steve, you know you like my signin’ ‘’

 

‘’But you’re not signing right now, you’re whistlin’, and not well’’

 

‘’You’re just cranky today’’

 

‘’I’m not cranky’’ Steve opposes, cheeks flushing.

 

Bucky knows it's in anger, but he can’t help but find it cute anyway a smirk tugging up his lips.

 

‘’This cause I’m going out without ya?’’

 

‘’I don't wanna come to your date, jerk. I’m just stressed.’’

 

‘’Don’t worry Stevie, you’ll get a date soon enough too. The dames are crazy if they don't line up at our door with all the talents you got. You’ll be famous before you know it.’’

 

‘’I’m stressed about the commission, idiot. Not about that.’’

 

‘’Ah’’ Bucky says, feeling a little stupid, ‘’Well you ain't gotta worry about that either. They’re always happy with whatever you bring.’’

 

‘’I won't have ANYTHING to bring if you don't stop whistling.’’

 

‘’Fine, finneeeee’’ Bucky says, turning back to the mirror, holding the comb between his teeth to stop himself from whistling while he does his hair meticulously. 

 

When he looks down a little lower in the mirror, he catches Steve staring and winks at him. 

 

The flush on Steve’s cheeks is probably not from anger this time. It makes Bucky’s heart feel three times its size

 

 

The man in the mirror is not the same. He’s not Bucky. He’s a ghost.

 

He looks so scared.

 

Bucky raises his metal arm and rams it against the mirror until it’s shattered on the ground. Then he grabs a piece of it, holds it tight between his fingers, and grabs some of his hair.

 

Bucky cuts his hair down one lock at a time, as short as he can manage with the broken piece of glass. He cannot see himself, so once he is satisfied with the way it feels, he drops the shard on the ground and leaves the mess there. Blood is staining the hand in which he was using the shard, his right one, and he knows he should've used the left.

 

He liked the way pain shot through his hand as he was doing it. It made him feel human. 

 

As he heads towards the bedroom again, someone barges into his door, making it bang loudly against the wall as they walk in, panicking. 

 

Tony Stark is standing at the door, one of his hands covered with a part of his suit.

 

There is a moment where they both stare at each other, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say

 

‘’Barnes?’’ Tony asks, tentatively

 

‘’It's the middle of the night’’ Bucky points out.

 

‘’Friday said you broke a mirror.’’ 

 

Oh

 

That made sense. Of course, Stark’s robot would be watching him

 

‘’I did’’ Bucky says. There's not really a way he can defend himself after that. He did break a mirror. Hopefully Stark doesn't mind too much.

 

‘’Had a meltdown and cut your hair?’’ Tony asks. ‘’What’re you, a teenage girl?’’

 

Bucky chuckles at that, but doesn't answer, only shrugs.

 

‘’Want me to fix it or? Cause this is terrible. Whatever you decide to do, don’t become a hairdresser.’’

 

‘’I didn't even have scissors!’’ Bucky says, a little offended. ‘’Hard to do it right.’’

 

‘’You could've just.. asked, you know.’’

 

Bucky stares at him for a second. There is no way of explaining to him that no, Bucky cannot just ask . That he has been programmed to never need anything. That he has been programmed to be completely self-sufficient, to shut everything out that wasn't absolutely necessary. That Bucky couldn't have just asked for scissors, because he couldn't trust himself with them anyways. 

 

Bucky cannot explain that asking him, Tony Stark , the man he had just killed in his dream, for a pair of scissors in the middle of the night was something he could probably never get himself to do.

 

So he just shrugs

 

‘’Dont make me look like a punk.’’

 

Tony gasps, offended.

 

‘’I would never.’’

 

‘’Or like you. I don't want your stupid rich boy haircut either.’’

 

‘’I’ll try my best to give you a poor boy haircut then, whatever that is’’

 

‘’Great’’

 

‘’Great.'' Tony parrots. ''Come on then.’’ He adds, walking back out of the apartment. 

 

Bucky follows, blood dripping from his hand every so often. Maybe the cut is deeper than he thought.

 

Tony points him toward one of the chairs as they walk into a big open dining room. 

 

‘’Friday, lights on’’ Tony says casually, and when Bucky hisses at the sudden light, he adds ‘’Dimmer’’

 

Bucky sits backward on the chair, waiting as Tony leaves and comes back with a pair of scissors and a clipper.

 

Bucky eyes the instrument for a second. He doesn't know that he can trust the man holding it, his whole body telling him to run away as Tony Stark looks at him with his eyebrow raised.

 

‘’If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead already’’ Stark points out and Bucky scoffs, but relaxes slightly, letting the man access the back of his head.

 

It's only a haircut.

 

‘’I’m James Bucky Barnes. This is 2017. Hydra is Gone. Pierce is dead. Steve is- I’m James Bucky Barnes. This is 2017. Hydra is gone. Pierce is dead. There's no more war. Steve is alive.’’ He whispers under his breath, to himself, a low mumble that Stark hopefully cannot make out

 

‘’You know if you’re about to go cuckoo crazy on me while I’m holding scissors I’d like to know’’ Tony says and Bucky huffs out a laugh

 

‘’I’m not- I’m just trying to- I have these panic attacks. I’m just tryin’ to stay grounded.’’

 

Tony is silent at that, only the sound of scissors cutting hair and Bucky soft whispers to himself.

 

‘’You know, the kid has those too.’’ Tony says. ‘’And I used to- I mean I get it. It’s shit. So if you ever wanna talk about it. You’re not all alone or whatever.’’

 

Bucky smiles because he knows Stark cannot see him. 

 

''I'm not big on talking'' 

 

''That's fine too. I've been known to be able to talk for two'' Tony says and he starts rambling about something that Bucky cannot even begin to pretend to understand, but it keeps him in the here and there, enough for him not to even have to repeat his mantra 

 

''I'm done'' Tony says after a while. ''Wanna see?''

 

Bucky hesitates for a moment but when he eventually nods, the guy on the mirror is still a stranger. A stranger with shorter hair.

 

A stranger who doesn't look like the Winter Soldier as much anymore.

 

He'll take it.

Chapter 5

Notes:

ALRIGHT GUYS SORRY THAT TOOK FOREVER
Could NOT find clear pics of the actual Avenger Tower ANYWHERE and we saw very little of the inside in the movie (not enough to make a clear plan at least) so I kinda made it up, kept the room I remembered and then created some, hope y'all don’t mind the inaccuracy too much! Feel free to imagine it the way you want (although I assume you wouldn't be here if you cared all that much about canon)

ALSO
May I just say that this fic will completely ignore everything happening in Thor Ragnarok? As far as I’m concerned, Bruce and Thor are both happily hanging out with the gang. AND YES LOKI WILL COME VISIT AS WELL. From time to time. I just don't think he’d be interested in staying there long-term, like at all. As for Thor, well he'll be hanging out a lot, like enough to have his own room but it's not his permanent residence (The Avenger Tower is kind of like his vacation house)

Bucky doesn't even try to go back to sleep that night, deciding to look around the Tower when Tony finally leaves him be and returns to his room, not before making sure that all the glass shards on his bathroom floor were picked up. 

 

He wanders around the empty corridors and rooms, only avoiding the kitchen as he doesn't want Friday to wake Tony up again because he’s lurking around knives in an empty kitchen in the dead of night. 

 

He stumbles into what he assumes to be a gym at some point, and he makes a mental note to ask Steve to show him around the more modern stuff, but he’s glad they have one. He used to go running in Wakanda when he grew restless at night, just to burn that extra energy. He would run for hours, until his lungs and legs felt like fire, then he would find his way back to the hut and hope he was exhausted enough to have a dreamless sleep. 

 

It worked sometimes . 

 

The room is gigantic and well-equipped, definitely made for training heroes. He can tell some of the stuff is specific to members of the Avengers, like the way some of the dummies have marks clearly left by arrows, or the way some of the punching bags are reinforced. Bucky wonders how many of those Steve ripped before they made him his own.

 

He goes through the room slowly, taking time to look at every piece of equipment, even stopping to examine a fake gun trapped under some spider web in the corner of the room, forgotten. Bucky reaches over to free it but when his hand touches the substance, it sticks to his fingers and he pulls away, wrinkling his nose. 

 

Nope.

 

Bucky thinks he used to hate spiders. He remembers the first time he saw one on his apartment wall in Romania, the way his whole body recoiled away from it, surprising him. It was the first time he felt anything but numbness in a while, except for when he’d find Captain America stuff in the streets, or when the nightmares came. He was aware of spiders, of course, but hadn't seen one in a while, always going from lab to mission to ‘sleep’. Maybe there were some around him at times when he had to hide in dirty or dark places, but The Winter Soldier didn't have time for fear or worry, especially not about some bugs.

 

Bucky had resisted his instinct to crush it, that night, just stared at it as it moved through his apartment. It felt weird to identify something as a threat and yet still let it live. It felt good. He looked forward to seeing them, from that point forward, and he supposes they don't really scare him anymore. 

 

That web was probably not made by a real spider, tho, most likely the spider boy he met a little earlier. Embarrassment floods him when a flash of the scene comes back to mind, so he skitters away from the web and decides to keep exploring elsewhere.

 

The next room he walks into seems to be a sort of game room? He supposes? There's a babyfoot, an air hockey, AND a pool table, as well as some regular tables. On one of them, a half-made puzzle is laid down, meticulously organized, a pair of glasses abandoned to its side. On another, much bigger one lays what seem to be a hundred different finished lego sets. There's one still in the making in the middle of the table, right in front of three chairs. 

 

Bucky wonders who’s building them. Probably the kid, that would make the most sense, but then who else? 

 

The last of the three tables is central to the room and has chairs all around it, a pile of different games sprawled across it. It almost makes Bucky laugh to imagine The Avengers sitting around, playing monopoly. Do they really have time for this type of stuff?

 

He walks over to a sofa at the back of the room. It’s a deep cyan, clashing with the rest of the room with how comfortable and soft it looks, a bunch of blankets and cushions piled up messily on it. There's a big TV in front of it and there seems to have every type of console imaginable inside the TV stand, a bunch of different controllers propped on top of it.

 

The blinds are open here, revealing another view on the city. It is raining, clouding the window ever so slightly, and Bucky takes a tentative step forward, trying to get used to the height. It is dark outside, but the city lights make it seem almost as clear as day, the tiny cars moving below in a quick, organized manner. Bucky presses his head against the cold glass and sighs, closing his eyes to stop his head from spinning, hoping the cold might help with his throbbing migraine as well. His whole body screams for sleep, something Bucky has been mostly refusing it for the past couple of days.

 

The nightmares have not stopped haunting him since the last time he dreamt of Steve, since that night he accepted Tony’s offer. As if his tortured mind felt a twinge of happiness and punished itself for it. The few hours of sleep he gets are often more tiring than not, and he wakes up more exhausted than when he fell asleep.

 

The cold window does ease the pain ever so slightly but soon memories of more cold glass, of feeling himself growing colder until he was nothing but an engine turned off, of cryo sleep and cold fog take over his mind and he walks away from the window, exiting the room and wandering toward the living room, the only space he had been taken to before his own apartment was shown to him and he’d asked for some time to drop his stuff. (He never came back)

 

This room is the biggest one yet, all open space and windows (that Bucky pointedly does not look at this time). It has a bar, which Bucky lurks at for a moment before deciding that the slight buzz he can still get from the liquor would not be worth the likelihood of his headache worsening. He slouches down onto one of the sofas. This night promises to be long. 

 

Bucky doesn't drift off in the living room on purpose. He doesn't even realize it happened until he is startled awake by yet another nightmare and he has a blanket over him, the girl from yesterday sitting across from him on the other couch, one knee propped up, foot resting on the side of the table between them. 

 

She’s halfway through taking a sip of coffee when he jolts awake and they stares at each other for a few seconds.

 

‘’Morning.’’ She says and Bucky furrows his brow for a second.

 

This feels familiar, as if he’d heard her say that before. Maybe she’d say it yesterday? But it was already afternoon when they got here. And she definitely didn't say that at the airport.

 

He was probably just still confused from the nightmare.

 

‘’Morning’’ He grumbles back, letting himself fall back on the couch and pulling the newly acquired blanket over his eyes. ‘’Did you put a blanket over me?’’ Bucky asks, slightly taken aback when he realizes nobody else is in the room

 

‘’No’’ She chuckles. ‘’Steve did. He’s in the kitchen making breakfast now.’’

 

Bucky pulls the blanket back down at that, eyebrow raised.

 

‘’ Steve is making breakfast? As in cooking it?’’

 

‘’I know.’’ The girl, Bucky believes her name is Nat, whispers. ‘’I’ve seen him burn toast. Multiple times.’’

 

‘’I’m worried for anyone that will have to eat that breakfast’’ 

 

‘’I’m pretty sure he’s making it specifically for you.’’ She says playfully and Bucky groans

 

‘’What’s up?’’ A man says, walking in and Bucky sits back up to look at him.

 

The man is wearing a button up tucked in his jeans, his curly graying brown hair held back by a pair of gigantic ugly round glasses on his head. 

 

‘’Steve is cooking breakfast.’’ Nat says before looking up at him. ‘’What’s with the glasses?’’

 

‘’Can’t find my regular pair so I had the take the emergency ones’’

 

‘’They’re by the puzzle’’ Bucky says and the guy turns towards him, confused.

 

‘’What?’’

 

‘’Glasses.’’ Bucky specifies ‘’I saw some by the puzzle in the other room earlier.’’

 

‘’Oh, great! Thanks. I’m Bruce, by the way’’ The man says, holding out his hand for Bucky to shake. 

 

Bucky doesn't know why so many people feel the need to touch individuals they just met. He hates it. He shakes the man’s hand anyways because he knows he doesn't mean any harm and it’d be rude not to, but it takes all the power in him not to grit his teeth when their skin meets.

 

‘’Bucky’’ He says before promptly taking his hand back. 

 

‘’Alright nice to meet you, Bucky. I’ve heard loads about you.’’

 

‘’You have?’’ Bucky asks, a little curious.

 

‘’I mean there was this whole fight thing I missed so… I had to get catched up on that . By Tony, since half the team disappeared into thin air’’

 

‘’Great first impression then’’ Bucky says

 

‘’We contacted him shortly after tho, so he didn’t hate you for too long.’’

 

‘’I didn't hate you at all, actually. I didn't like you, but I know that Tony tends to be… dramatic. I wasn’t seeing the whole picture. And I know Nat and Steve wouldn’t have sided with just anyone.’’

 

‘’And I mean, Stark’s not even talking shit about you anymore.’’ Nat says, taking another sip of her coffee, still sitting down.

 

‘’And that’s…a good thing?’’

 

‘’Closest you’ll get to a compliment.’’ Tony says, walking into the room

 

‘’How long have you been standing there?’’ Nat asks

 

‘’Open spaces sweetheart, we can hear you from miles away.’’ Tony answers, stopping to stand by Bruce, looking at the glasses on his head and raising his eyebrow. ‘’New look?’’

 

‘’Yeah, no, that’s-’’ Bruce says, pulling the glasses off his head hastily, hiding theme in his back pocket. ‘’I forgot my glasses in the game room. I was on my way to go get them actually.’’ 

 

‘’Right after you were done telling Barnes about how dramatic I was?’’

 

‘’I didn't need anyone to tell me that ’’ Bucky jokes

 

Nat and Bruce share a look, unsure, and Bucky realizes they’re probably scared of Stark’s reaction to Bucky’s teasing, unaware of how often Tony came to see him for the last few months. Unaware of the fragile bond they’ve formed.

 

‘’Well I’m sorry , some of us got to be strong minded. Would you rather I be emotionless?’’

 

‘’I’d rather you stop throwing tantrums, me personally’’ Nat says with a little smile, and Tony huffs

 

‘’I like the drama.’’ Bruce says. ‘’I wasn't saying it in a bad way, more of like, I was keeping an open mind because I know you can exaggerate sometimes.’’ 

 

‘’Good save Banner.’’ Nat says 

 

‘’Was it?’’ Tony asks

 

‘’I’d say that was pretty terrible’’ Bucky says

 

‘’I tried’’ Bruce sighs, lifting his hand in surrender before heading backward and out of the room.

 

‘’Don’t make him pay for that too hard in the lab today’’ Nat says, looking at Tony once the other man is out

 

‘’Or what?’’

 

‘’Or I’ll tell Peter about that time I walked in when you thought you were home alone and Friday was blasting-’’

 

‘’STOP, FINE. You traitor. Ruining my fun’’

 

‘’What was he blasting?’’ Bucky asks, and Nat opens her mouth as if to answer before a cushion flies at her head.

 

‘’Don’t you dare’’ Tony snaps, so quickly that it gets a snort out of Bucky.

 

‘’You made me spill my coffee!’’ Nat laughs

 

‘’Do you guys think it smells like smoke?’’ Tony asks, suddenly frowning.

 

‘’Steve’s cooking breakfast’’ Bucky answers

 

‘’Why would you let him do that?’’ 

 

‘’Hey don’t blame me, I was asleep.’’

 

‘’You of all people should know it's impossible to talk Steve out of doing, well, anything.’’ Nat defends herself, shrugging.

 

‘’In any case, we should probably head over there and make sure the kitchen is not on fire.’’ Tony says, clapping his hand and heading out

 

Bucky gets up to follow him, stretching, his muscles still sore from spending the night on the couch.

 

‘’You coming?’’ he asks Nat and she shakes her head.

 

‘’Already ate. And if I stay here I won't have to look at Steve’s puppy eyes when he realizes his food tastes like coal’’

 

‘’Fair enough’’ Bucky says before following Stark into the other room.

 

‘’Oh, hey Buck!’’ Steve says when they walk in. ‘’Tony’’

 

‘’Did something catch on fire?’’ Tony asks ‘’It smells like something catched on fire.’’

 

‘’Nothing caught on fire, I just tried to do too many things at once, and maybe I left the bacon on a little too long’’ Steve says without turning to look at them, clearly overwhelmed by what's happening in front of him. 

 

‘’Alright just move’’

 

‘’No! I’m doing this.’’

 

‘’Steve Rogers if you don’t step away from this stove-’’ Tony starts but Bucky intervenes, standing beside Steve, pushing him slightly sideways so he can see the food.

 

‘’Just let me help, will ya?’’

 

‘’Alright’’ Steve gives away immediately, tension going out of his shoulder within seconds as his lips curls up 

 

‘’Now this is bullshit. How come he gets to do it and I don't?’’ Tony scoffs

 

‘’He asked nicely.’’ 

 

‘’ He asked nicely ? That was the requirement?’’

 

‘’Yes’’

 

‘’Is this kindergarten? Are you being serious right now? I can’t tell if you’re joking or not. Barnes, is he serious? Can you believe that guy?’’ Tony starts bickering and Bucky tunes them out as he tries to save the breakfast (that Steve completely abandoned as soon as he offered to help)

 

Fifteen minutes later, the three of them are holding a plate filled with burnt bacon, somewhat okay eggs (Steve dropped the pepper in it) and toast (Bucky wasn't able to save the hash browns, rest in peace)

 

They sit at a gigantic table, with enough chairs for all the Avengers and more. Steve sits beside him, knocking their knees together (Bucky can’t tell if it's on purpose) and Tony sits in front. The table is uncomfortably large for three people, and Bucky wonders how it looks when everyone is here. He supposes he’ll see later.

 

‘’Nice haircut, by the way’’ Steve says after everyone has taken a few careful bites.

 

‘’Thank you, I did it’’ Tony answers for him

 

‘’You cut Bucky’s hair? Why?’’

 

Bucky sends a look to Tony, hoping he won’t tell Steve about the mirror incident. 

 

‘’We were bored in the middle of the night and he asked for it.’’ Tony shrugs.

 

‘’You were hanging out together in the middle of the night?’’

 

‘’Yeah, I told you. We were bored. Couldn't sleep.’’

 

‘’Okay,’’ Steve says skeptically, scanning Bucky’s face. ‘’Buck?’’

 

‘’Wasnt doing a very good job by myself’’ He answers, and he hopes the half-smile on his face is reassuring

 

‘’Couldve woken me instead’’ Steve says, and there's a bit of annoyance in his eyes when he looks towards Tony again. 

 

‘’To cut my hair?’’ Bucky asks, raising his eyebrows

 

‘’Yeah. Or anything else.’’ The other man answers, leaning in a little bit, voice dropping as if he’s telling a secret. ''You can come to me for anything, at any hour.''

 

‘’Okay’’ Bucky says, warmth filling his ribcage for some reason. ‘’Noted’’

 

‘’You guys are spoiling my appetite.’’ Stark says and Bucky frowns, confused.

 

‘’How come?’’

 

Tony stares at him for a second then rolls his eyes.

 

‘’You’re clueless. And helpless. And lucky this breakfast tasted like shit anyways.’’

 

Bucky looks at Steve to see if he has any idea what the man is on about, but Steve looks just as confused as him.

 

‘’I’m not paid enough for this. I’m not paid at all for this, actually. Wait, I AM PAYING for this. Nope, I’m out.’’ The man says, getting up and leaving the room whilst Steve and Bucky just watch him leave

 

‘’What was that about?’’ Bucky asks

 

‘’I don’t know. I stopped trying to understand Tony a long time ago’’ Steve says, taking another bite out of the food and wrinkling his nose. ‘’He was right about the food, tho.’’

 

‘’Yeah, sorry I couldn't fix it.’’

 

‘’Sorry I ruined it in the first place. Wanna go out to grab something?’’

 

Bucky itches to feel the sun on his skin again, but he knows New York is different from Wakanda. There are people, a lot of them, and loud noises and smells and eyes lurking around every corner. He shivers just thinking about it.

 

‘’Or we could order in.’’ Steve offers once he realizes what happening

 

‘’That sounds good.’’ 

 

‘’What do you wanna eat?’’

 

Bucky thinks for a second. He hasn't actually had the choice for a long time. It makes his head spin for a second. What does he want?

 

‘’I don’t know’’ Bucky speaks honestly. He hopes Steve can't hear the way his voice almost breaks. This is such an easy question. He should know what he wants to eat.

 

‘’Let's order a bit of everything then. See what you like, then we can write it down and order it again next time. Or just try something different every time.’’

 

‘’Okay’’ Bucky says, relieved. He’s gonna learn again. What he likes, and what he hates. He can do this.

 

‘’When I came back, the food confused me so much here. You’ll see Buck, nothing tastes like it used to. I don’t know what food you had in Wakanda but there's nothing quite like shitty street corner restaurant food. I’ll pick up a sandwich from Delmar’s later. The kids showed it to us, I think it's the best sandwich place in all of New York.’’ Steve starts talking enthusiastically, ordering something off of his cellphone. 

 

Bucky lets him ramble for a while, watching the way his eyes lights up when he talks about things they could do and what he needed to show him. Steve is not usually this talkative, but maybe he sensed Bucky’s mood, the way he felt more like listening and less like talking.

 

Bucky likes that about Steve, the way he always just knows. Bucky thinks he probably used to know Steve’s mood, too. Maybe he still does.

 

He’s pulled from his thoughts by Steve grabbing his hand, turning his palm upward to examine the healing wound on it.

 

‘’That’s recent.’’ Steve says, running his finger on the new skin. If it wasn’t for the serum, Bucky would probably still feel the throbbing pain. ‘’How did it happen?’’ He asks, meeting Bucky’s eyes, serious as ever.

He stares back, considering his options. He could tell the truth, but that would mean being vulnerable. He doesn't want Steve to know he can’t stand to see himself in a mirror, doesn't want Steve to know that the cut in his hand was him losing control again. Twice in one day is a lot. What if Steve thinks he’s not ready? What if he sends him back?

 

‘’I broke a glass.’’ He says, not breaking eye contact although it almost makes the lie hurt as it crosses his mouth. ‘’I cut my hand when I picked up the pieces.’’

 

‘’That was a deep cut. You have to be more careful’’ Steve says, looking back down at the hand, believing him immediately.

 

Of course, he would. What reason would he have to think Bucky is lying? 

 

‘’I will.’’

 

The guilt feels like cement in his stomach, especially when Steve takes his finger along the fresh scar another time, more softly, like he’s trying to make it better. Bucky pulls his hand away.

 

They get up and throw the food in the trash, rinsing their plates and patiently waiting for their order to arrive, in the living room this time. Natasha is gone, and the room is empty.

 

They wait in silence, this time.

Chapter 6

Steve is crazy

That's the first thing that crosses Bucky’s mind when he sees the amount of food actually being delivered at the door.

 

Steve has lost his mind.

 

This is the only explanation. 

 

No sane person would order that much food for two people.

 

Bucky had gotten used to seeing a large amount of food. In Wakanda, he’d eat with the king or the village, so it was always copious meals, although it was not extravagant like in the movies. 

 

Still, the poor boy from Brooklyn inside of him, the starved soldier who were made to eat only as a manner of survival, that person is absolutely stunned at the take out bags piling up on the table.

 

‘’You know, when you said you were gonna order a bit of everything, I didn’t think you meant everything. ’’ Bucky teases, but there's an edge to his voice, and Steve clocks it immediately. 

 

‘’Don’t worry, none of it is going to waste’’ He says, putting down another bag on the table and spreading its content on it. It smells delicious, ridding the house of the reek of burnt food that filled it earlier. ‘’Thor is here right now, so as soon as the smell gets to him he should be down here. Also, May gave Peter the permission to miss school and spend the night because he has good grades, as always, and he apparently missed us quite a bit. So we’ll have help to finish all this. Then Bruce, Wanda, Clint, Scott might come around the compound too now that he’s out of house arrest since we signed the revised accords so…it should be gone by the end of the day. There's not much food that survives a long time here. Enhanced metabolisms and all that’’ Steve smiles and Bucky can’t help but smile back, although he’s unsure why.

 

The memory hits him out of nowhere

 

‘’Come on Steve, you can't be mad at me forever’’ Bucky says, leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed and a smile he hopes come across as charming

 

Steve barely looks up from his sketching to acknowledge him, not answering and instead pushing the pen a little harsher on the paper in front of him.

 

Bucky pushes himself from the doorway and walks the few feet separating them, leaning on the table and obscuring the light he knows Steve needs in order for his drawing to look right. 

 

The other boy sighs and looks at him, as angrily as his face can probably muster. 

 

‘’You could’ve died’’ He snaps and its Bucky’s turn to sigh

 

‘’And you would've died if I hadn’t stop him’’

 

‘’He had a knife!’’

 

‘’Yeah. Pointed at you.’’

 

‘’Exactly!’’ Steve says, pointing the pen at his face. ‘’It had nothin’ to do with you!’’

 

‘’So what, I was meant to just let this guy mug you or something?’’

 

‘’If it comes down to you or me, then yes. Yeah. You let it happen Buck. You hear that? You’re not allowed to die for me. I won't let you.’’ Steve lashes out, looking back down at his drawing stubbornly. Bucky suspects it might have something to do with the tears he saw shining in those pretty eyes a few moments back. 

 

‘’You’d be worth it, you know. Your life isn't worth less than-’’

 

‘’Promise me, Buck.’’ Steve interrupts him. ‘’ I’m serious. Promise you won't die for me.’’

 

Steve is looking back up now, searching in his eyes. If there's one person Bucky would ever be willing to die for, it’d be Steve, but he also knows that his friend won't drop it. He supposes he could promise this. Who’d check on Steve if he was gone anyway? He’d rather they grow old together. It might be a silly, idealistic idea, but at this point, Bucky think Steve could ask him to live forever and he'd promise that, too. 

 

‘’Alright. I promise.’’

 

There's relief in Steve’s face and he even lets out a little sigh, the little crease between his eyebrow flattening again. 

 

‘’Thank you.’’

 

‘’Great, so that’s settled’’ Bucky says, leaning a bit further and lifting one of his hands to poke at Steve’s cheek with his knuckle. ‘’Now smile for me, Stevie.’’

 

And Steve does.

 

It’s like a drug really, like being hit by a ray of sunshine. Bucky smiles back. He always smiles back.

Bucky blinks himself back to Steve looking at him, a bit worried, looking at him from a safe distance. Bucky liked it better when he was smiling.

 

‘’Everything alright? I think I lost you there for a second’’

 

‘’Yeah sorry’’ Bucky says, looking around him to make sure they’re still in the dining room. He wasn’t gone that long. ‘’I just… I remembered something.’’

 

‘’You did?’’ Steve asks excitedly, and the smile is back on his face now, a little more shy. ‘’What was it? Or is that- i mean you don't have to tell me-’’

 

‘’It was in Brooklyn. You were mad cause I stopped a guy from stabbing you.’’ Bucky shrugs. He doesn't mention the promise. Or the smile.

 

‘’I remember that.’’ Steve says, eyes clouding over. ‘’You almost got stabbed but he only slashed you in the arm. Left a pretty big scar, and you bled through your bandages a few times. I was so-’’

 

‘’Angry. yeah, I know.’’

 

‘’Scared.’’ Steve corrects him. ‘’It scared me.’’

 

Scared. Steve was scared. For him. Because he cared about Bucky back then and he cares about him now and Bucky can barely remember it. Because he’s got a broken brain. And Steve cares about him anyway. Bucky looks down at his arm, the left one, where instead of a scar from his friend’s story, he just finds metal. 

 

‘’Nothing to be scared about. It’s good as new’’ He tries at a joke and when Steve laughs, Bucky beams because he owes him at least that much. 

 

They sit back down and start to try all the things Steve ordered. Bucky’s not sure if he’s just not picky or if he’s mostly indifferent to food until they get to waffles. 

 

As soon as the take out box is opened, the sweet smell fills the space between them and Bucky salivates . Which has not happened in a while. The waffle in front of him is BIG, covered in whipped cream, fruits and sirup and he almost snatches the thing away when Steve gets near it, making him laugh again, which means Bucky’s doing well so he smiles back once more, although that proves to be difficult with his mouth full.

 

‘’Of course it’d be waffles. You always had a sweet tooth.’’ Steve says, looking at the rest of the stuff on the table and sliding a few more things towards him. bacon and eggs being replaced by chocolate chips pancakes, french toast and a few pastries. 

 

‘’Can't eat all that.’’ Bucky says when he finally swallows down the gigantic bite.

 

Steve shoots him a stare

 

‘’I’ve seen you eat more than that with just your regular metabolism. Pretty sure you can manage.’’

 

‘’Are you tryna make me gain weight?’’ Bucky jokes again but Steve clears his throat and doesn't answer, busying himself with the breakfast sandwich in front of him instead.

 

Bucky looks back down at his body. Sure, he supposes he could use some healthy gains, but he truly isn't that bad, not since he got out of Hydra. Steve wasn’t the only one worried about his food intake. Shuri was a doctor, after all. Still, he takes another bite, trying to settle the men sitting beside him.

 

Okay, so, Steve worries a lot. Noted. He probably could’ve guessed that, mind you, from… well everything else.

 

Perhaps he used to know this. Know Steve by heart like a melody, maybe even more than he knew himself. He sees it when he gets a new memory, the way the other Bucky could just feel Steve. Like he always knew what to say and what to do, two dance partners in perfect synchronicity.  Maybe this is why every time he figures out something new about him it feels like he’s figuring it out about himself instead.

 

‘’Captain, have you finally learned how to cook? Or was it our new guest?’’ A voice snaps Bucky out of thoughts

 

The long haired man from Steve sketches struts into the room and Bucky quickly looks at him, assessing his behavior. The man doesnt look hostile, dressed in sweats and a random T-shirt, and although he’s pretty muscular, Bucky think he could probably beat him if it came to that. 

 

Steve shakes his head in answer to his question

 

‘’Take out.’’ He simply states, swallowing. ‘’You want some?’’

 

 ‘’I will gladly eat this ‘take out’ with you, friend.’’ The man says, before extending his hand to Bucky. 

 

Decidedly, these people love shaking hands. 

 

‘’Thor Odinson, of Asgard’’ The man says as soon as Bucky grabs his hand

 

‘’James Buchanan Barnes… of Brooklyn?’’ Bucky says, sending a questioning look to Steve who chuckles a bit

 

‘’Very well, James, nice to meet you. I have heard many tales of you and the Captain’s adventures’’ Thor says before slapping him on the shoulder with his free hand and grabbing a random plate on the table, slouching down on a chair.

 

‘’You’re the second person to tell me this today.’’ Bucky says, sending a accusatory looks at Steve. ‘’I’m starting to wonder what those ‘tales’ are about’’ 

 

‘’Mostly war stuff, with Thor at least.’’ Steve explains with an embarrassed smile.

 

‘’As a warrior, those do tends to be my favorites, indeed.’’

 

‘’A warrior?’’Bucky asks.

 

‘’Yes. Asgards is a very prospering place, it makes some jealous. It is not always easy to defend it, but it is always an honor that this role has been assigned to me, especially since I get to fight with friends.’’

 

‘’Where is that? Asgard?’’ Bucky asks, trying to remember if he has ever heard of it. He was never one to like geography, although now he supposes he’s seen most of the world. 

 

‘’Right, yes I forgot to tell you about this. Asgard is in another dimension. And Thor here is the God of Thunder.’’

 

It takes a moment before the words ‘God of Thunder’ register in Bucky’s brain but when it does it takes everything for him not to spit out his sip of coffee. 

 

‘’Did you just say God-’’ Bucky starts to whisper, the other guy not paying them any mind

 

‘’I know’’ Steve whispers back. ‘’You get used to it. There’s also his brother, which is slightly evil but I’ll tell you about that later.’’

 

‘’What did you-’’

 

‘’Hey guys!’’ A tiny voice resonates before he can finish his sentence.

 

So, Steve was right. Seems like they won't be by themselves to finish this. Bucky hopes he won't get overwhelmed, and a quick look at Steve lets him know they shares this worry. 

 

‘’Hey kid’’ His friend speaks.

 

‘’Peter! Good morning to you!’’

 

‘’Morning Thor! Morning Steve! Morning- Oh.’’ Peter says as he walks up to them, grabbing a muffin on the table and stopping when he notices Bucky, the food already halfway to his mouth. 

 

‘’Good Morning Mr. Peter’’ Bucky says, recalling his last conversation with the boy and the tension in his shoulder disappears immediately as takes a bite

 

‘’Morning Mr. Bucky’’ He finishes his previously aborted sentence, bits of muffin flying everywhere.

 

‘’Peter, don’t speak with your mouth full!’’ Steve says, picking a bit of omelet and throwing it at the kid, who laughs and dodges it easily.

 

‘’Sorry Cap!’’ Peter says, grinning, once his mouth is finally empty

 

‘’Mind your manners’’ Steve says but its playful and soon everyone is talking and Bucky just has to nod here and there to show he’s listening

 

The rest of the breakfast goes without issues and Bucky is relieved to realize he doesn’t feel like he wants it to end. Not that he’s participating that much, but he doesn't feel threatened by anyone and he doesn't feel like anyone sees him as a threat either, which is a feeling that is still alien to him. Most of the time, he feels like he’s just cosplaying as a human being, and he knows other people notice just by the way their demeanor changes, like his presence puts them off. He only ever feels real sometimes when he’s with Steve, and even then it's only temporary.

 

‘’What do you think, James?’’ Thor questions him, snapping him back to reality.

 

He really has to stop doing that in the middle of conversations.

 

‘’Uhhhhh’’ he starts.

 

‘’Leave him alone Thor, he’s clearly not interested in yours and Jane, like what, third break by now?’’ a guy shoots at them, sitting on the counter, eating directly from a box of cereal instead of taking some of what's on the table. Bucky thinks he recognize him from the airport fight, but he can't remember his name, the whole thing still mostly a blur of adrenaline and confusion for him. He was on their side, Bucky thinks.

 

How long was he lost in thoughts for?

 

‘’Well he is the only one here who is unbiased and I was hoping to get his advice’’

 

‘’If this is about a relationship, you’re asking the wrong guy’’ Bucky says

 

‘’That is not what the Captain has told us!’’ Thor exclaims. ‘’We have been told you were quite the ladies man. Which is why I was quite excited about getting your wisdom on this matter.’’

 

Bucky turns towards Steve with an eyebrow raised.

 

‘’What? You were!’’ His friend defends.’’You took more dames dancing than I’ve spoken to in my entire life’’ he continues, his tone turning slightly sour, and Bucky wonders if Steve might’ve been jealous of the attention he got back then.

 

He had no reason to, especially not now anyways.

 

Bucky closes his eyes and try to remember what that felt like, the sweat sticking to his skin while he was swooshing a girl around, laughing and out of breath with loud music in his ears. He knows he used to enjoy it, he doesn't really know why, just the feeling of having someone's hands all over his body in a crowded space makes his skin crawl. 

 

He supposes there must have been some freedom in letting go.

 

But then again, freedom is not something Bucky is familiar with.

 

‘’That was a different guy. Sorry to disappoint.’’ Bucky says, and the room becomes tense for a second, Steve looking down at his plate like a puppy that just got reprimanded 

 

‘’I don't know man. The whole dark haired, scrubby beard, ‘Im-the-winter-soldier-and-I-could-kill-you-if-I-wanted-to’ look works. I’m sure you could get a girl in your bed in no time. Or on a dancefloor, I guess. Whatever floats your boat.’’ The guy on the counter says and Steve is now throwing a hashbrown at him. 

 

‘’That a thing you do now? Just throw food at people?’’ Bucky asks, ignoring the other guy

 

‘’It’s the only way these kids will listen. Yeah Clint, I’m talking about you.’’

 

And now Steve is receiving a somehow perfectly aimed handful of cereal at the back of his head and he looks so offended Bucky can’t help but smile again. Thank God for whoever that Clint guy is and for the way he just knew how to break the awkwardness rising in the room in a second. 

 

The conversation gets lighter again and before the guys empty the tables, Bucky pick up another empty plate and fills it up with a bit of everything, unsure of what he’s even doing in the first place.

 

‘’Still hungry?’’ Steve asks as he’s picking up some empty to go boxes and throwing them in a trash bag. ‘’We can wait if you-’’

 

‘’No, it’s not for me.’’ Bucky shrugs.

 

‘’Who’s it for?’’ Steve asks, eyebrow creasing slightly confused.

 

‘’Well its just-’’ Bucky starts talking, but he doesn't finish his sentence.  

 

He looks down at the plate and he just feels silly. He want to put it down and forget about it.

 

‘’It’s nothing.’’ He says instead and Steve raises his eyebrow

 

‘’Come on, who’s it for?’’

 

Bucky sighs, irritated, but he supposes its his own fault for making this in the first place.

 

‘’Tony didn’t eat this morning because of the whole burned breakfast thing… I just figured I’d give this to him. It’s stupid. I don’t even know where he is. I’ll just throw it out’’ Bucky says, grabbing the bag Steve was holding and preparing to dump out the content before a little hand stops him

 

‘’No wait! I’ll take you to Mr.Stark! He’s probably down in the lab. You gotta see this! It’s so cool I swear’’ Peter says and he looks so excited that Bucky doesn't want to ruin this moment for him.

 

He lets go of the bag and nods, letting the kids eagerly lead him down the elevator and into a different floor. He doesn't have time to see the look on Steve’s face before he does, but he’s sure it's fine.

Notes:

Yes I made a little reference to ‘’I just feel you’’ because I will never be over Wanda and Vision I love them more than anything

Chapter 7

Peter wasn’t lying. The lab does look cool. The other Bucky would probably lose his mind over this, all these machines laying around, robots apparently doing stuff for Tony, which is bent down with headphones on his ears and working on something. 

 

Yeah, old Bucky would’ve gone crazy over all the robots stuff, he loved those future things. The expo was one of the first memories Bucky recovered. The day before he lost himself to war and death. He was so happy, so eager to learn, so excited about all this technology that now leaves a bad taste on his tongue.

 

There isn't anything good in his head about labs, nothing positive for his brain to latch onto desperately. Only pain. He grits his teeth a little as he walks towards Tony to get on with this and leave this place as soon as he can, the teenager trailing happily behind him, chatting and explaining some things on the way with words way too complicated for it to make any sense to Bucky, especially not in his state.

 

When they get to Tony’s peripheral vision, the man lifts his head. He sees the kid first, looks happy, then Bucky, looks thrown off, then the food and now he looks straight up intrigued, wiping his hand on his clothes and taking off the earphones.

 

“What’s happening here?” 

 

“Food” Is the only thing Bucky can think of as an answer, because that's what this is, really

 

“…food?” Tony asks, slowly this time, eyes squinting a bit suspiciously 

 

“Yeah, Mr.Bucky thought it’d be a good idea to bring you food since you didn't eat breakfast.” Peter says, passing by Bucky to reach Tony’s side instead, looking to the table at what he’s working on as if this is his just as well as Stark’s, and the absence of reaction from the men makes Bucky think this might be normal

 

Maybe the kid comes here often

 

“You brought me breakfast?” There's confusion and uncertainty in Starks voice now, and Bucky is starting to think this is weird, or that he made a mistake

 

His brain thinks of yesterday, of the way Steve brought food to his room. A good thing. Steve did this. It has to be a good thing. He’s sure of it.

 

“Yes.” He says confidently, putting the plate down and pushing it towards the other men. 

 

Tony’s eyes go to the plate and back to him in a few back and forth like he’s trying to solve an equation. Bucky can almost see the lightbulb appear on top of his head before he speaks again.

 

“Oh. Oh my God. No. Barnes, you know you don’t have to like… do stuff for me right? This” He says, gesturing between them, “is not like an employee-boss thing. You live here it's not like a workplace or whatever weird version of a butler you’d be”

 

“I know, '' Bucky says. “But this is a thing, right? Food. It's a thing here.”

 

“Not to point out the obvious but I’m pretty sure food is a thing everywhere”

 

“Okay do you want to be a smartass or do you want to eat the food? Cause I can bring it back-“

 

“I’ll take it” Stark says, raising his hand up defensively before reaching back down to the plate and grabbing something. “This is cold”

 

“Well too bad you should’ve been up there if you wanted it hot, I’m not your maid” Bucky says with a smirk and Stark grins, taking another bit of food anyways and turning his attention back to the kid which is now FULLY TOUCHING what Stark was working on like he just knows what he’s doing and there's a sudden fear somewhere in Bucky’s chest that perhaps the kid doesn't. He doesn't know that boy but the thought of him getting hurt makes Bucky uncomfortable and that thing he’s holding, although it is small, looks like it might be dangerous and maybe someone should step in? Or maybe he’s just overthinking this.

 

And the thing thing makes a sound and Bucky nearly jumps

 

“Careful with this, kid” He says but he feels out of place and the way the two other heads shoots up to look at him makes him believe he’s probably right about that

 

“Okay grandpa, how about you let us work and go back upstairs to, I don't know, stare at Steve like a creep or something?” Stark asks him and Bucky scowls

 

“Work? What do you mean work? Isn't this kid like fourteen?”

 

“I’m fifteen, actually” Peter corrects him. “And I’m interning here. Don't worry, I know what I’m doing. Most of the time”

 

“Most of the time?”

 

“I’ll be supervising the whole time, and it's not like we’re working on any dangerous tech anyways. Listen Barnes, don’t underestimate the kid. I wouldn't let him touch it if I didn't think he could handle it”

 

“I guess it's better than the docks or the factory” Bucky shrugs

“Okayyy and on this great not depressing note at all, did you need anything else?”

 

Bucky realizes he’s being dismissed and he shakes his head, nodding goodbyes to them and sending one last worried look to the piece of whatever technology the boy is holding before heading towards the elevators 

 

His hands hesitates over the buttons. He could head to his floor, to his apartment . He doesn't know where the others are, or if he’d be intruding. What do they do during the day? In Wakanda, unless he had a checkup with Shuri, once he was freed he was pretty much left to do whatever he wanted. But here? Is there a planning or a schedule he’s supposed to follow? Will it look bad if he isolates himself again? Would Steve take it the wrong way?

 

“Captain Rogers is currently training in the Gymnasium.” Friday’s voice sound, startling him

 

“Oh. Uh. Okay?”

 

“He has asked me to let you know, if you asked.”

 

“I- wait, but I did not. Ask.”

 

“No, but I assumed that is what you were wondering”

 

“Are you supposed to do that? Just assume stuff?”

 

“Would you like to go to the main floor, Bucky?” She asks, ignoring his question. “I can guide you to the gymnasium if necessary”

 

“I know where it is” Bucky says and she must take this for a yes because the elevator starts going up on its own before he presses any button, which he pretends doesnt creep him out (But honestly, what the fuck)

 

When he gets to the main floor, he can hear voices in the sitting area he fell asleep in yesterday. Thor, for sure, and maybe Bruce? He isn't sure, but he knows none of them are Steve so he heads awkwardly towards the fitness room. Steve asked Friday to tell him where he was, so surely he wants him to go, right? Maybe Bucky can ask about the treadmills at the same time, just to make sure he’ll have something to busy himself with when insomnia hits.

 

He walks into the room to see Steve actually running on one of them, Natasha and Sam (that one he remembers) sparing on some of the mats a bit closer to the door where Bucky just came in. Just as he is about to walk around them, she grabs one of Sam’s punches, twists his arm until it's behind his back and pushes him on the floor, her knee on his back. Quick and efficient, a move that Bucky has done plenty of time. Especially when he was asked to train the girls. He wonders now, looking at Natasha, if that is why she is familiar. Have they ever trained together? Steve has mentioned her being a widow. 

 

He stares at her for a few more seconds, trying to jog his memory but his eyes lift up automatically when he hears a low whistle coming from the ceiling. Clint is sitting on a ceiling beam, looking down at them. He is dressed completely differently from earlier, a bow on his back and as soon as Nat looks up with a smirk to acknowledge him, he gives her a thumbs up and goes back to aiming at the dummies that Bucky noticed yesterday nights, the one with the arrow marks in them.

 

“I’m gonna stop agreeing to spar with you” Sam says, face still pushed against the mat

 

“No you won't. And I’m going easy on you” Nat answers, releasing him and holding her hand out

 

“That’s what you call going easy on me?” He says, rolling onto his back, a bit out of breath, grabbing the hand held out to him to pull himself up

 

“She was definitely going easy on you” Bucky says, walking up to them and everyone but Clint, who’d seen him from up there, starts. Even Steve, from farther away, almost falls from his treadmill and lets a curse out:

 

“What the- how?” Sam asks. “Man that's creepy, I didn't even hear you come in at all. How long have you been standing there?” 

 

Bucky shrugs

 

“Can't just creep up on people like that. Gonna give me a heart attack” the other guy insists and Nat shakes her head and rolls her eyes

 

“Stop being a baby” she says

 

“Yeah Sam, stop being a baby” Steve shouts from the other side of the gym

 

“I hate it here. I hate all of you. I’m going back to Washington”

 

“I didn't even say anything!” Clint shouts from up and Sam throws his arm up

 

“Fine then. I hate all of you but Clint”

 

“Do you wanna keep crying or do you wanna get back at it?” Natasha asks, already placing herself in position 

 

“God help me” Sam says but he mirrors her and soon enough they’re back at it again as if nothing ever happened.

 

Bucky starts walking towards Steve again, making sure to stay far from the dummies, who already have a couple more arrows in them, sticking out of deadly spots. 

 

‘’Hey’’ his friend says when he’s within reach, still running. 

 

‘’Hey’’ Bucky says back, leaning on the treadmill beside Steve’s.

 

There's no telling how long Steve has been running for, but he doesn't seem to have even broken a sweat, shoulders going up and down in a still relaxed and easy manner despite the speed at which he’s running. They’re squeezed tightly in a shirt far too small for him, which has Bucky wondering if Steve’s been buying them smaller out of habit or if the person doing his shopping for him just wanted a show. 

 

Either way, Bucky finds it slightly harder to look away, his mouth dry. What has Stark called him earlier? A creep? Yeah.

 

He swallows.

 

‘’Do you wanna…’’ Steve says, gesturing to the treadmill Bucky is leaning on.

Bucky looks down at himself. He’s still wearing his night clothes, but they’re just sweats and a T-shirt. That could do.

 

‘’Yeah, sure’’

 

‘’If you wanna change, I have extra clothes in the changing room. And deodorant.’’

 

‘’Changing room? You live a few floor up.’’

 

‘’Saves some time when we wanna exercise.’’ Steve shrugs. ‘’And not everyone lives here.’’

 

‘’Who doesn't?’’ 

 

‘’Sam sleeps in my guest room whenever he comes over. Peter also has his room in Tony’s place, Thor sleeps, well honestly wherever he feels like sleeping. Don’t worry tho, he won’t come in unannounced in yours, he’s been warned. Uhhh Scott dont have a room and he doesn’t really need one.’’ Steve says, counting on his finger while he’s somehow still running. ‘’Then there's Loki but he doesn't ever sleep here or train with us, so that's not an issue. Rhodey doesn't live here either but he’s here a whole lot.’’

 

Bucky’s brain stocks the information but it buzzes a bit. That's a whole lot of people, not counting the ones that DO live in the place. A lot of people he could hurt. 

 

A lot of people that could hurt him.

 

He squints a bit suspiciously. All of this does sound a little too convenient, the way he’s being watched at all times, people barging in when he hasn't eaten or when he’s having a breakdown. Like a very efficient prison for unstable enhanced soldiers.

 

But then Steve smiles at him and all of Bucky’s doubts deflates.

 

‘’You’re making a face.’’ Steve says

 

‘’I’m not making a face.’’

 

‘’You’re making a face.’’ Steve insists. ‘’What is it?’’

 

‘’Nothing.’’ Bucky says. ‘’I’m gonna go change.’’

 

Steve looks like he might push for a second, but instead he just nods towards a door in the corner.

 

‘’Changing room is over there. The extra stuff is in my locker.’’

 

‘’Which one is your locker?’’

Steve blushes a deep shade of red at that, as if Bucky just said something extremely embarrassing.

 

‘’You’ll know. Don’t take it seriously, please. Tony’s just an ass.’’

 

‘’What?’’

 

Steve groans and hides his face in his hands (How is he still running, seriously??) 

 

Bucky HAS to see this locker. 

 

When he first steps in the room, he’s first taken aback by how fancy this all looks. Of course, he shouldnt, because every fucking thing here is fancy but still. It’s all marble and glass and classy colors. 

 

The lockers are all pretty classic tho, black with a little symbol representing each of them on it. From here he can see a bow and arrow, some little wings, a hammer, a tiny red spider and a slightly bigger black one. 

 

The others seem to be in another row behind that one, so Bucky crosses the lockers he has already seen, expecting to find one with a star on it.

 

But no.

 

Of course not.

 

There's a few lockers looking exactly like the other ones, but the very last one is insanely different. The door is COVERED in the american flag print, a drawing of an even more buffed up Steve in his suit with a falcon on his shoulder straight in the middle. Bucky gasps, fighting in a laugh, but when he opens it and the national anthem starts playing, he completely loses it.

 

He hasn’t laughed that hard in a long time, but this has caught him off guard.

 

Oh my God, Tony IS an asshole.

 

This is brilliant.

 

Once he finally gets himself in check and starts breathing normally again, Bucky grabs the stuff in the locker, quickly going to change.The clothes are too big for him and smells like Steve, so it distracts him for a bit. This feels weird, although it shouldn’t. Bucky is pretty sure they have shared clothes, back in the war. Perhaps this felt weird back then too. A memory of Steve, still small, wearing one of his clearly oversized t-shirt flashes in his mind. Yeah, that feels more right. 

 

Bucky sighs.

 

There is no way Steve would ever wear his clothes again, and if he ever did they would definitely not be oversized on him. This is the new normal, he guesses, looking down at himself and getting another draft of Steve’s laundry detergent.

 

He could get used to this.

 

When he walks back out, the dummies are now moving around on some sorts of rails, Clint shooting them while fully hanging upside down. He’ll have to go to a shooting range with that guy one day. Sam has both hands on his knees, catching his breath, and Natasha has her back to him, but her stance is smug, meaning she’s probably won this round too.

 

Steve is, well, still running. 

 

Bucky smirks, coming up beside him again and climbing on the treadmill.

 

“Cool locker. Was the background music an extra or?”

 

“Ha. Ha. Very funny. I begged Tony to remove the speaker. Tried to break it a couple times. He just keeps replacing it.”

 

Bucky chuckles again at that. Sounds about right.

 

He looks down at the machine in front of him. There's a very obvious ‘Start’ button, then a bunch of parameters he has to choose. He could probably figure it out on his own, but he doesn't want to break it. He shoots a look at Steve's, figuring he can probably copy what's on his.

 

His friends seems to understand his struggles tho, because he stops for a second, get off his treadmill and crosses over, explaining each thing to Bucky quickly without making him feel like he was stupid or even saying he should’ve asked. He just does it. Then climb back on his own.

 

“I know these are weird.” Steve says, pushing play and starting to run again. “I usually prefer to run outside”

 

“Why didn't you go?” Bucky asks, frowning. The day seems sunny enough. 

 

“Ah, well, uh, I didn't know how long you’d be in the lab for and I know you didn’t really feel like leaving the Tower this morning so I figured I could run here instead.”

 

Bucky turns his head to look at Steve and cocks it slightly.

 

“You could’ve gone without me, you know. I wouldn’t have minded”

 

“I know” Steve shrugged. “I just didn't want to” and then, as if realizing what just came out of his mouth, he became red and started rambling. “I mean, I usually go much earlier anyways because at this time of the days there's too many people, and Sam was busy with Nat so I would’ve had to go by myself and-“

 

“Got it.” Bucky says, interrupting him before he can dig a deeper grave and turning his head forward again. 

 

A few moments passes, the sounds of their feet hitting the pad only interrupted by the others having a conversation further down in the room. It's peaceful, and Bucky lets his mind drift away for a moment focusing on his breaths. 

 

“So” Steve says, voice soft, as if he didn't want to pull Bucky out of this pleasant state. “Tony huh?”

 

“What about him?”

 

“You guys are friends now?”

 

“I wouldn't say friends, no.” Bucky says, thinking for a moment before adding “we went on a lot of walks”

 

“Walks?”

 

“Yeah. He talks A LOT”

 

Steve chuckles, a bit surprised but nodding in agreement.

 

“Is that what you guys were doing then, when he was visiting you?”

 

“Mhm.” Bucky nods. “I think he was checking if he could tolerate me. Guess the answer was yes.”

 

Steve seems to reflect on that a little before he starts talking again.

 

“You know, when he said he got us pardoned and made a revision on the Accords I thought it was a trick to get you out of Wakanda and… you know. So…yeah. It's weird. To see you guys together.”

 

“I thought he wanted to kill me too. The first time he came to see me. And the second, and third time. Couldn’t even look at me.”

 

“What changed?” Steve asks

 

“I don't know. I think he really wanted it to work.”

 

Steve hums, scowling a little bit as if he’s trying to make sense of a riddle Bucky told him.

 

“So you’re not friends?”

 

“Not really”

 

“And the food thing was just you trying to… be nice?”

 

Bucky shrugs, not bothering with an answer. 

 

“Alright, well if Tony Starks steals my best friend spot make sure to let me know so I can kick his ass.” Steve jokes, but there's still a slight bit of worry underneath the teasing tone and Bucky snorts

 

“Will do, pal”

 

“Thanks” Steve grins and they go back to running, conversation flowing in a way that feels almost comfortable 

 

Chapter 8

Notes:

All right guys so this one isn’t exactly the happiest but I’m writing movie night next chapter to redeem myself sooo

Bucky doesn't sleep that night

 

Or the night after that

 

On the third day without getting a blink of sleep, he can tell people are starting to notice he’s more on edge. Its not helping him to carve a place in their routine, his relationship with the team already fragile and awkward, but its not exactly like he can help it. Sleep simply doesn't come. 

 

The bed is too comfortable. Too soft. It tricked him the first night and he had an awful nightmare, he wasn't gonna get tricked again. He tried placing a blanket and pillow on the ground but the room is too empty, too quiet.

 

He spends most of his nights wondering around, hiding back in his bedroom before anyone wakes up and sees him awake.

 

He knows Steve is suspecting something, knows that his friend noticed the signs of exhaustion, but he hasn't said anything yet. Probably because he also knows it’ll pass, that soon enough Bucky’s body will win the fight over his mind. Hopefully before he goes crazy. There's nothing that Steve can do about it.

 

Or so Bucky thought.

 

Steve walked him to his apartment today. It isn’t unusual, he has been doing this pretty much every day since he got here. Bucky was frustrated by it at first, thinking Steve didn't trust him until he realized it was more like the way he would wait until he heard the locks click on before leaving when he took a lady back home after dancing. Safe. Bucky still thought it was silly, considering the amount of security in the Tower and the fact that he could take on at least a dozen regular creeps by himself, but he didn't mention it. He didn't mind Steve’s company that much, and he usually would just take a quick scan of Bucky’s apartment from the doorway and leave.

 

Not tonight, tho. Bucky entered his apartment and Steve looked at it, as usual, but then he hesitated. Stayed in the doorway, anxiously pulling at his fingers like he’s waiting for something.

 

Bucky blinks at him.

 

“You need anything?”

 

“Uhhh” Steve says, straightening up, looking behind himself as if he’s longing to be back in the hallway.

 

Bucky sighs, pinching the bridge if his nose.

 

“What?” He snaps.

 

He feels bad immediately when Steve looks at him like a kicked puppy. Goddammit. He better get some sleep soon before his lack of patience makes him say mean stuff.

 

Steve clears his throat.

 

“You haven't been sleeping.” His friend point out.

 

Bucky stares at him, waiting for him to continue.

 

He doesn’t.

 

“No, I haven't” Bucky decides to confirm

 

“Why?” Steve asks and Bucky snorts at that

 

“It happens,” he shrugs. “Nightmares. The room is…silent”

 

Steve nods as if it makes sense

 

“You never liked sleeping in complete silence” he says and Bucky raises a brow

 

“I didnt?”

 

“No.” Steve says. “You’d sleep with your window cracked open for as long as you could before it got too cold. Sometimes it felt like we could hear the whole of Brooklyn in your room”

 

“What did I do when it got too cold?” Bucky asks

 

Steve hesitates, cheeks flushing a pretty shade of pink.

 

“You slept in my room during the winter” he says eventually. “It was too cold anyways. And my breathing settled you.” He shrugs. “Noises”

 

“I slept on the ground?” Bucky asks

 

“Sometimes” Steve says and Bucky’s mouth dries up a little, images of bodies pressed together in a small bed, breath matching the other flashing in his head. Memories or desires, he can't tell.

 

“Ah” he answers, because he doesn't know what else he is supposed to say, honestly.

 

Steve stays silent in the doorway and Bucky just stares at him, wondering where he’s getting at.

 

His friends eventually gives him a bashful smile before taking a deep breath, as if he’s working himself up to say something.

 

“You know if you- if that's something you’d like, I could, you know, stay. Put some couch cushions on the ground.”

 

Bucky knows that’s something they used to do a lit as kids. He remembers that.

 

“You wanna have a sleepover Stevie?” He asks with a smirk before he realizes it's the first time he’s used this nickname since… well since he died.

 

Steve doesnt seems to mind tho, beaming at him.

 

“Would you mind?” He asks

 

Bucky ponders for a second before shaking his head. Maybe it’ll help. He pushes down the ball of nervousness that formed in his throat at the idea of Steve hearing him wake up from a nightmare.

 

“You take the bed. I’m already settled on the ground”

 

“Bed’s too soft huh?” Steve asks, walking in and closing the door behind him. “ Tony looked at me weird when I asked for a harder mattress, so. Took me months to get used to it.”

 

“Feels like a goddamn cloud”

 

“ I know ”

 

“I’m gonna go take a shower” Bucky says. “I have a bunch of weirdly patterned pajamas I’m never gonna wear in drawers if you want em, although I’m not sure they’re gonna fit you”

 

“I’ll go back to mine to change and tell Sam I wont stay the night. Be back by the time you're out of the shower” Steve says and Bucky nods, heading towards the bathroom without another word.

 

He strips in the newly mirrorless room, throwing his clothes on the ground and turning the shower as hot as possible. He hisses when he gets under the hot jets of water, but his body adapts quickly, used to it by now. It is the only way he ever takes showers. He can't stand the cold anymore. 

 

He lets the burning water go down his face, eyes closed as he focuses on the way his skin hurts as it touches it. Keeping him here. 

 

He has to be real if he hurts. If he feels. He has to be human.

 

He doesn't know how long passes when he finally closes the water, smelling of soap. He looks around the room for his sweatpants but realizes he forgot to bring them in with him. He wraps a towel around his waist and heads out towards him room.

 

Where Steve is waiting for him. 

 

Right. 

 

He forgot about that.

 

Steve is sitting on the edge of the freshly made bed (did he make the bed right before sleeping in it? Who does that?) holding what seems to be two cups of hot cocoa in his hands. When Bucky walks in, his gaze drops for a second and Bucky realizes how vulnerable he is right now, skin still raw and wet from the burning hot shower, barely wearing anything.

 

“Oh” Steve says

 

“Sorry” Bucky says. “I forgot”

 

“Don't worry, we grew up together. I mean I’ve already seen… you. Before. ” Steve says but he still looks away anyways and Bucky grabs some underwear and sweatpants, rapidly putting them on. He dries his upper half with the towel as well as his now short hair and throws itin the corner of the room.

 

“Is that hot cocoa?”

 

“Yeah” Steve says, looking back at him now that he’s partially dressed and handing him one of the mug. “Figured it might help making you sleepy”

 

“Why?” Bucky frowns, looking down at the mug a bit suspiciously. Surely Steve wouldn't sedate him.

 

“Sugar. It does that to you, or at least it did before. Which is a shame considering the amount you consume a day.”

 

Bucky only gives him a little smile at that, taking a sip of the drink. Steve mentioned the old Bucky a lot today. Maybe he’s feeling nostalgic. 

 

Bucky hopes this is making it better.

 

“Tommorow’s movie night” Steve says, as if he just remembered and Bucky eyebrows shoots up

 

“Movie night?”

 

“Every Friday we have movie night.” Steve clarifies. “I don't know if its still a thing, you know, since everything happened but I’m pretty sure it is. I don't think Peter would let movie night be canceled” Steve says with a lopsided smile, looking in the distance, probably imagining the kid’s reaction if it happened.

 

“Whats movie night?”

 

“Oh, right. Basically we just all get together with a bunch of snacks and watch movies until the kid and Thor sugar crash into the couch. Or until everyone sugar crash into the couch.”

 

Bucky furrows his brows

 

“Sounds… nice?” He says, unsure

 

Steve laughs. It's a good sound.

 

“It is, you’ll see.”

 

“I’m invited?”

 

“Of course you are. Everyone’s invited.” Steve says, taking another sip of his hot cocoa before wincing

 

“Too hot?” Bucky asks and Steve nods

 

“Burned my tongue”

 

Bucky looks at the mug in Steve’s hand almost murderously before he realizes it's just a stupid mug and he can’t intimidate it into being ruly and then he almost rolls his eyes at himself.

 

Steve taps the empty spot beside him on the mattress and Bucky sits down, one leg crossed on the bed so he can still face his friend.

 

They drink in silence for a moment before Bucky speaks.

 

“What did you use to talk about?” He asks. He wants to give this to Steve, just a night with his old friend. He can pretend.

 

“With who?” Steve asks, frowning 

 

“Bucky” 

 

Steve looks at him for a second. He looks a bit confused at first, then maybe slightly hurt, and Bucky wants to curse himself out.

 

“You’re Bucky” Steve says but Bucky doesn't answer

 

He is, of course. But that's not what he meant. He meant the other one. He doesn't know how to explain this, tho, so he ignores that answer, taking a longer sip of hot cocoa, letting it warm him from the inside out.

 

“Anything.” Steve answers his previous question after a while before correcting himself. “No, everything. We talked about everything”

 

“Is there a difference?”

 

“Yeah, I think so.” Steve says but his smile is sad now

 

Everything.

 

That's broad. Bucky supposes that probably means he used to share whatever thoughts he had with Steve. That would explain the way he seems like he can read his mind.

 

He thinks for a second

 

“I think Friday is a stupid name for a robot” he states.

 

A thought. Something Steve didn't need to know that he tells him anyways. That's how it works, right? Bucky has no idea what he’s doing.

 

Steve chuckles into his mug and a voice comes from the ceiling.

 

“With all due respect, sir, Friday comes from girl friday, which refers to a female assistant. I would also like to point out that you asked to be called ‘Bucky’ which is, from the data I’ve collected, not a widespread nickname. At least my ‘stupid name’ is not something I have chosen for myself.”

 

“Are you everywhere, including the bedroom?” Bucky asks, horrified 

 

The A.I stays silent and Steve gives him a one shoulder shrugs 

 

“Why is it sassy?” Bucky whispers, leaning forward and looking up worriedly 

 

Steve snorts and leans forward too

 

“Tony Stark made it” he whispers back

 

“Right. Makes sense” Bucky grumbles but he’s still looking at the ceiling. He doesn’t know that he’ll ever get used to this.

 

And then, something wonderful happens.

 

He yawns.

 

Steve gives him a proud look and Bucky looks down at the almost empty hot cocoa unbelievably.

 

“We should go to bed” Steve says and Bucky nods, taking his last sip and looking at his spot on the ground. 

 

Where he only had a blanket and pillow earlier is now a proper couch cushion bed. He smiles a little and head over there.

 

“You sure you dont wanna sleep on the bed? I can take-“

 

“I’m sure” Bucky interrupts him, laying down on the cushion bed as Steve closes the lights and wiggles his way into the bed.

 

“Goodnight, Buck” Steve whispers i to the darkness

 

“Night, Steve” Bucky answers and he listens as Steve’s breath starts to even

 

It is almost hypnotizing, the repetitive sound of his friend’s lungs filling up and emptying. As he finally drifts off, Bucky realizes he feels safe .

 

Its dark.

 

Its been dark for so long. Days? Weeks? Months? Bucky cannot remember the last time he has seen the light of day.

 

Disgusting food is pushed through the crack in the door every once in a while, but Bucky isn't sure if it’s consistent. There's a lot he doesn't know these days.

 

He hasn't slept in so long.

Which is quite ironic, considering he has been in complete darkness this whole time. It should be easy to sleep. 

 

But it is too quiet here. The rest of his senses are hightened and its smells terrible, the smell of part of his own flesh rotting whilst his body tries to heal it. His bodily fluid all around the room. Everything hurts.

 

And its too quiet. Too quiet.

 

Bucky misses…something.

He misses something?

What does he miss?

 

No.

Nononononononono.

 

He forgot it.

No.

He forgot the thing. He said he wouldn't forget. He promised.

 

What is it??

His heart is pounding so hard in his chest that it hurts, and he can't breathe. 

Remember. Bucky. Remember.

 

He shuts his eyes close, trying to get himself out of the twirl of thoughts he’s been drowning in all day. 

 

Calm down. Breathe. 

 

In and out. In and out.

 

You’ve done this before

 

In and out Stevie, you got this.

 

Wait,

 

That's not him.

 

Stevie.

Steve.

 

There. 

Relief floods through him and he finally allow oxygen into his lungs.

Its back. It's there. He remembers. Okay. Okay. 

They cant take him away. As long as he has Steve, he will be Bucky. They cant take him away.

His heartbeat settles again. He wonders if it still matches his best friend’s.

Will Steve feel it when his heart stops beating?

 

Please let it stop beating.

 

Where are you Steve?

Come get me.

Please Steve. Stevie. 

Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. Come get me! Come get me! Come get me! Come get me! Come get me!! PLEASE

 

“Bucky! Bucky!” Steve shakes him and Bucky jerks awake, gasping 

 

“Steve, you have to- you have to come get me.” Bucky says, half conscious

 

“I got you” Steve says, his hands firm on Bucky’s shoulders. “I got you” he repeats but his voice breaks a little

 

“I didn't mean to forget, '' Bucky whispers but he can feel himself slip again, his body too exhausted to keep up.

 

“I know Buck. I know”

 

“Stevie” Bucky says one last time before his eyes closes again

 

“I’m here.” Steve whispers to him, pressing their foreheads together. “You’re safe. I got you now.”

Chapter 9

Notes:

Okay guys!
I know this chapter took forever to post, but it's almost double the size as the previous chapters so hopefully it makes up for it
Hope you enjoyyyy

 

Bucky is woken up the next morning by a beam of sunlight hitting him in the face, the light of it forcing him out of a surprisingly peaceful sleep. He groans, thinking this must be some sort of cosmic punishment, the way the only time he had a dreamless night in months had to be interrupted, but he guessed that's still better than waking up screaming, so he’ll take it.

 

He still tries to hold on to that last bit of sleepiness that is slipping through his fingers, lifting his flesh arm to cover his eyes and turning his body towards Steve.

 

Wait.

 

Towards Steve??

 

Bucky eyes snaps open, his arm flying off his face to see if he recognized the smell right, and the sight in front of him is almost angelic, taking his breath away for a second.

 

Steve is laying on the ground with him, mouth slightly opened, engulfed in the morning sunlight and half up on the cushions, legs tangled with his.

 

When did that happen?

 

Bucky scowls, now completely awake, and tries to remember last night. He is fairly certain they didn’t fall asleep like this.

 

Maybe Steve had a nightmare?

 

Steve’s face is perfectly relaxed right now, his breathing even, so Bucky assumes it must've helped. Right now, his friend looks almost every bit like how he used to back in the 40s except for his hair, which is longer than Steve used to keep it. It’s all tangled and messy on Steve’s head right now. It looks soft. Bucky wonders how it’d feel between his fingers. His arm tingle and his hand jerks slightly, like it has a mind of his own and it has decided that Steve’s head was the place to be right now. 

 

Of course Bucky can’t let that happen, so instead he scoots further away towards the edge of the cushions and tries to gently pull Steve more onto them without waking him up. That position seriously cannot be comfortable.

 

He fails miserably, underestimating the difficulty of pulling Steve’s dead weight up onto something, and his friend blinks his eyes open, startled by the movements. As soon as his eyes meet Bucky’s tho, he relaxes again and groans, mimicking Bucky’s reaction earlier by hiding his face with his arm.

 

“Just five more…” he starts saying but mumbles the rest of the sentence and Bucky chuckles slightly. He thinks Steve might already be asleep and considers giving up, but he knows Steve will sleep better if he scoots forward just slightly. 

 

“Your back will hate you if you don't climb up”

 

“Climb up?” Steve asks, face still hiding in his arm before he peeks out and registers he’s on the ground. “Ah, right”

 

Bucky gestures to the small amount of free space in front of him and Steve moves to take it, making them infinitely closer than Bucky realized they would. 

 

Steve doesn't seem to mind tho, burying his face in the pillow and Bucky frowns. Steve was always a morning person. He must really have had a terrible night.

 

“Are you okay?” he whispers, unable to help himself now that he’s awake, worry spreading through him like a wildfire catching. Is Steve sick?

 

Steve sighs and peeks out again, giving up on going back to sleep.

 

“I am” he says

 

‘’Bad night?’’

 

‘’Not necessarily’’ he answers but he can't quite meet Bucky’s eyes

 

“You’re a terrible liar, Steve. Did you have nightmares?”

 

“No” Steve answers

 

Truth .

 

“And I’m not lying” he adds

 

Lie.

 

Bucky frowns. Steve hates lying, especially to Bucky, and he’d just done it twice.

 

“Why are you lying? Are you sick?” Bucky asks, lifting his arm to try and feel Steve’s skin. It feels hot, but that might just be from the serum. 

 

“No!” Steve says but he doesn't pull away from the touch, looking at Bucky’s hand on his forehead as if it has personally offended him before it drops back down

 

Truth

 

“What is it then?” Bucky asks and Steve looks at him nervously.

 

Bucky holds the eye contact, not once looking away or even blinking until Steve gives in, frustrated, and sighs again. They’re so close Bucky feels the air on his cheek, and his heart flutters for a second before he catches it. 

 

Focus.

 

‘’Steve’’ he insists. 

 

‘’How did you sleep?’’ Steve asks tentatively and for a second Bucky thinks he’s trying to distract him until it clicks.

 

‘’Ah. T’was me then?’’ Bucky asks, cursing himself internally for bothering Steve. He should’ve told him to go sleep in his own room. ‘’What did I do?’’

 

‘’You don’t remember?’’

 

‘’Why would I remember?’’ Bucky frowns ‘’Did I wake up?’’

 

Steve stares at him for a second, swallows and looks away, like he’s hurt. Whatever Bucky did must’ve really fucked him up.

 

‘’Once or twice’’ Steve says, still not looking at him ‘’It stopped when I decided to stay down here.’’

 

‘’Did I say anything?”

 

Steve hesitates for a second.

 

“I can’t remember”

 

Lie.

 

Bucky rubs his face with his palms, sitting up to avoid having to look at him. It's probably something really bad if Steve is lying to him repeatedly like that.

 

He doesn't really want to know.

 

“I’m sorry” He mumbles, getting up.

 

“Don’t- you have nothing to apologize for. I’m okay, it was just a few hours of sleep” Steve says, mimicking Bucky’s previous action and sitting up to finally look at him again.

 

‘’You tried to help me and it kicked you back in the face’’ Bucky states, and he doesn't need to know what happened last night to know that this much is true. That's what keeps happening to Steve. He’s very much aware of the way he’s been ruining this guy’s life from the beginning. 

 

Bucky’s the reason he ever got in this mess in the first place. Steve runs to his help every time. Get hurt every time, too.

 

‘’Buck I’m telling you, it's fine. I’ve survived worse.’’ Steve tries to joke but Bucky doesn't smile this time.

 

He only gazes back down at him, still sitting on the floor and looking at Bucky like a kicked puppy. He knows his friend is trying to make him feel better, that he’s lying so that Bucky won't feel bad about himself. Steve doesn't realize how that makes him feel much worse, how guilt takes so much space in Bucky’s body right now that he thinks he might choke on it. 

 

He cannot be the Bucky Steve needs him to be. That Bucky died a long time ago, and it wasnt from a fall, or torture, or mind control. He died in a cold room, exhausted and confused and in pain . He died looking at a old newpapers, from 20 years ago. A newspaper broadcasting the death of Captain America, only a few days after his own ‘death’.

 

Steve Grant Rogers froze to death, and so did Bucky Barnes. 

 

That’s certainly what it felt like anyways. Like his vein filled with ice and he wanted and wanted and wanted and it hurt because he knew then that he would never get what he was longing for, no matter how much he begged or waited. 

 

That day, Bucky let himself die. He finally let The Winter Soldier take over. It was a mercy, really. But right now, looking at the person who is supposed to be his best friend, he really wishes he hadn't done it, if only for his sake.

 

He wants to tell Steve how sorry he is.

 

‘’You should leave’’ is what comes out instead.

 

Steve’s mouth opens and closes, brows furrowing as if he’s trying to find something to say before he settles on simply nodding

 

‘’Okay’’

 

It sounds tiny and sad and nothing like the fierce stubborn Steve he knows- knew? It pains him to be the one to hurt this man. So pure, sometimes it feels like he might be made entirely of sunlight. Who is he to dare dim it? 

 

There's something screaming inside of him. Maybe old Bucky isn’t completely dead, he can feel him trying to pick his way out of his grave sometimes, the ice melting slitghy when he forgets to stop a laugh from escaping his mouth and Steve grins at him, or when he catches him tracing the lines of Bucky’s face on whatever piece of paper he can find. Like he’s scared to forget it.  But it is a dangerous game to want . Bucky doesn't want to risk letting him out. 

 

He heads towards the bathroom without another word, knowing that he would be alone once again when he came out.

 

‘’Bucky?’’ a voice sounds behind him as he’s reaching the door. 

 

He stops

 

‘’If you could… I mean if you wanted to…’’ Steve continues, not expecting an answer. ‘’There's still movie night, tonight. I’d love for you to be there. If you feel like it.’’

 

Bucky breathes in , staring at the door handle in his hand. 

 

The silence is heavy in the room, but Steve doesn't push. He doesn't ask again, or move closer, or demand for Bucky to look at him. He just waits.

 

‘’What time?’’ Bucky asks, because he’s here and he’s in this now and there's nothing he can do about it.

 

Except running. Which would hurt Steve much more. He doesnt think he could bring himself to do this again, no matter which Bucky he is. 

 

‘’Just meet us on Tony’s floor at 7pm.’’ Steve says and there's a smile in his voice. ‘’Don’t eat.’’

 

Bucky gives a curt nod, still facing the door, and get in the bathroom, closing the door behind him swiftly. If this was a movie, he might let himself slide down it and grab his head. 

 

But this isn't a movie, so Bucky shakes away the part of him that wants to roll into a little ball in a corner and stare at something for hours and gets in the shower instead.

 

He wants to wash this morning away.

 

– – 

 

It is 7pm sharp when the elevator doors open to Tony’s floor and Bucky walks in. The door gives directly to the living room, which is where Bucky assumes movie night happens, not only because that's what makes the most sense but also because there's about ten people scattered around the room doing different things. 

 

The kid and Clint are sitting on opposite sides of the GIGANTIC couch, Clint shooting popcorn at him at a somewhat fast speed while the kid jumps up and crouches to catch them with his mouth, all the while being cheered on by another teenager, sitting in the middle of them. Bucky’s fairly certain he hasn't met this one. He’ll have to ask Steve. Nat is also watching the scene, sitting on a chair beside the couch with an amused smirk, leaning back with her arms crossed.

 

Bruce is putting down some soda cans on the table in front of the couch, hiding the scene slightly. 

 

Bucjy takes a small hesitant step forward to look more into the room. Thor is munching on a Pop Tart in a corner, talking to another guy with shoulder length black hair who is looking at his choice of food with a mildly disgusted expression on his face. Vision, that Bucky officially met on day two (WHEN THE GUY FLOATED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WALLS OF STEVE’S APARTMENT??) is kinda just standing a few feet away from them, eyes unfocused as if he’s lost in thought. Still no Steve in sight.

 

The elevator dings behind him and Bucky swirls around, startled. 

 

He’s only slightly disappointed when its Scott that walks out of it, a gigantic bag of candy is his hand.

 

‘’Oh hey, man. Long time no see.’’ He says when he comes face to face with Bucky.

 

‘’Yeah’’ Bucky answers, distracted, looking behind him to see if Steve is on the elevator. 

 

Nothing.

 

He frowns.

 

‘’So, the whole pardon thing, cool right? Not gonna lie the whole house arrest thing was getting prettyyyy boring.”

 

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

 

“Nah man dont worry about it. That fight was one of the coolest thing I’ve ever done and I got to meet Captain fucking America and now I’m invited to a movie night?? With the Avengers?! If anything I have to thank you” The other man starts to ramble, and Bucky can feel the nervous energy radiating from his body, eyes bouncing around the room excitedly.

 

“Uh, you’re welcome then?” Bucky answers distractedly, trying to listen with his enhanced hearing to see if he can hear any voice coming from other rooms.

 

There seems to be people talking in a room to the left, and although Bucky doesn't hear Steve specifically that means nothing. He’s not the most talkative one of the bunch.

 

“Where's Cap, by the way?” Scott asks, and Bucky doesn't know if he asks because he noticed Bucky’s lack of attention or if he’s just fangirling again.

 

“I don’t know” he answers, getting frustrated. 

 

“Alright… so I guess I’m just gonna…” Scott says, awkwardly walking around him, gesturing between the snack table and his candy bag.

 

Bucky nods and heads towards the room where he heard the voices, happy to be able to go back on his search. 

 

Not that he needs Steve to be there. It's just…he said 7. And Bucky was rude to him this morning. He spent most of the day thinking about it, and he just wants Steve to know that he isn't mad at him . 

 

There's no way for Bucky to let him know that he just feels as if he’s playing a role, that every time he looks at Steve he just feels like an impostor. That he’s constantly battling within himself with the desire to let him know who he is now and the fear that it would not be enough to cope for the loss of the person he used to be. The only thing he can do to make sure Steve knows Bucky’s bitterness is not directed at him is keep showing up and be by his side.

 

Can't do that if he can't find Steve, can he?

 

He sighs as he crosses the threshold to what appears to be the kitchen. Tony is leaning in the kitchen island, talking to Rhodey and Pepper. Theres a younger girl with his back to him, looking into the fridge. 

 

No Steve.

 

Tony notices him before he can back away from the room and go on.

 

“Oh, Barnes! Wasn't sure you were gonna come.” Tony says

 

“I was invited.” Bucky says, a bit unsure, although he’s certain it doesn't show

 

“You were. You just don't really seem like a movie type of guy”

 

“I’ve seen a couple.”

 

“Basically an expert then. My bad” Tony says sarcastically and Bucky scowls, but before he can say anything, Pepper joins the conversation 

 

“Don't pay attention to him, he’s salty today”

 

“Want to take a beer with us?” Rhodey offers. “I’ve been meaning to have a conversation with the guy my best friend’s been spending so much time with.”

 

“I was only going once a week” Tony says, raising his eyebrow. “For a few hours”

 

“That's longer than I ever got you out of your lab for. Unless it’s for a party, or to save the world. In that order.”

 

“Uhh” Bucky hesitates 

 

Maybe Steve is just late. It happens. Right? 

 

Surely if Steve was in danger they would’ve been notified by now.

 

‘’Just one drink?’’ Rhodey insists. ‘’I promise Tony is better company when he got me and Pepper to keep him in check’’ 

 

Pepper hums in agreement and Tony rolls his eyes.

 

‘’Alright then, one beer’’ Bucky says, lips curling up, relaxing a little. 

 

If he’s gonna stay ere long term, he should probably socialize with people other than Steve. Still, he’s growing most restless by the minute, and he finds himself having to resist fiddling with his fingers like a nervous schoolgirl.

 

Get yourself together, Barnes. 

 

“They’re in the fridge” Tony says and Bucky nods, walking up to it. 

 

The girl is now leaning on the closed door, eating a cheese stick and looking at the conversation unraveling in front of her. When she sees Bucky walking forward she pushes herself up and nods to him.

 

“MJ” she says. She doesn't extend a hand, and Bucky is grateful

 

“Bucky”

 

“Cool arm, Bucky” 

 

“Eh, I don't know” Bucky says, looking down at his left arm and moving it around a bit to hear it purr “ It’s not right”

 

Silence falls in the room, MJ looking at him with an unimpressed stare. Bucky cant hold a little smirk.

 

“Did you just make a pun?!” Tony ask, bewildered.

 

“Not even a week here and he’s already turning into you” Rhodey says

 

“Oh come on, mine are actually funny”

 

“Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, darling” Pepper interjects

 

“Jokes on you, I don't sleep at night”

 

“Steve thinks I’m funny” Bucky says, grabbing his beer from the fridge. 

 

“ See” Tony says as if Bucky just proved his point

 

“Not the flex you think it is” the girl says, scrunching her face up a little, and Bucky simply shrugs.

 

“That's one more person than Stark”

 

“True” she agrees and Tony huffs dramatically 

 

“MJ you’re supposed to be on my side!” 

 

“Says who?” She asks, heading outside of the kitchen

 

“Ungrateful kids” Tony mumbles to himself and takes a sip, but his lips are curled up and Bucky knows he’s not actually pissed. 

 

Bucky leans on the opposite end of the island, holding the cold beer in his hand. He can’t get drunk anymore, but Steve made him try one of those a few days ago and he added it to the list of what he loves. It doesn't taste the best, but he likes the way it feels going down his throat, and its pretty refreshing. It makes him feel weirdly normal to drink this.

 

‘’I got bottle openers in-’’ Stark starts talking but stops when Bucky wraps his metal arm around the bottle neck and pops the cap off easily. ‘’Ah. Right. Show off’’

 

Bucky only raises a brow and take a swig of the drink. 

 

‘’So,’’ Rhodey asks. ‘’How do you like the Tower so far?’’

 

Bucky thinks about that for a second.

 

‘’It’s high’’ is the only thing he can come up with, and it's probably a stupid answer but the other guy only nods like what he said makes sense, so he doesn't bother finding something else to say.

 

‘’I think Rhodey probably meant something more like, how do you like living here so far?’’ Pepper adds and yeah, Bucky guesses that makes more sense.

 

Bucky has to think much longer about that one, so long that the three others glances at each other, probably wondering if they have to speak again.

 

How does he like living here? 

 

Well, there's a lot of people. He can tolerate most of them, but it also seems like there's more every day. Nobody is torturing him or forcing him to do anything, so there's that, but it's also not easy to get some peace. Natasha is the only one who will sit with him in complete silence and not make it awkward or try to make small talk. Clint is the best at finding stuff to do when he’s bored. The kid loves explaining future stuff to him and he never gets annoyed at Bucky for being confused. Stark makes killer coffee. Bruce gave him a paper with a few breathing techniques written down on it and never mentioned it again. Sam is very straightforward with him and doesn't treat him like he’s a bomb about to explode. Steve is… Steve. 

 

He can’t say all of that, though. 

 

‘’I’m getting used to it. It’s different than the New York I remember. There's a sassy robot in the ceiling and it hates me but everyone else is… nicer than I expected.’’ he starts, and it's true. People are actually trying, even the ones that fought against him before. ‘’They all got a food thing.’’

 

‘’A food thing?’’ Rhodey asks, confused and Tony shakes his head.

 

‘’Cap’s been force feeding Barnes every single edible thing in the place and now he think we’re all a bunch of food freaks’’  

 

‘’Talking about food,’’ Pepper says, looking down at the watch on her wrist. ‘’Anyone got news from-’’ 

 

‘’THEY’RE BACK WITH THE PIZZAS’’ Peter interrupts like he heard her from the living room and Bucky’s attention peaks up.

 

They’re back? 

 

Which means someone had left. 

 

Steve?

 

He doesn't follow his instinct to run out to the front door to see, and instead he waits for everyone else to react to the news as well and head towards the TV room. As soon as he sees Steve standing in front of the couch table with a truly humongous pile of pizza boxes in front if him, he feels a breath comes into his lung, the first real one of the night. Wanda and Sam are both standing beside him, both holding bags, which Bucky assumes must be filled with fries or something of the sort. 

 

When Steve finally puts down the boxes, he lifts his eyes and look around the room, stopping when they land on him. He grins. 

 

‘’Hi’’ Bucky says, taking a step forward as the kids are already putting some slices on a paper plate, Thor eyeing them. 

 

‘’Hey’’ Steve says, but Bucky can tell there's caution in his eyes and in the way he stands a little too straight. 

 

Bucky should probably apologize, but its proven to be extremely difficult for him. 

 

‘’You said 7’’ He settles for instead

 

‘’Yeah, I know, sorry. No pizza shop will deliver to us anymore since…the incident. So I was tasked to go get them this time.’’

 

‘’We would've gotten back on time if you’d been wearing literally any other pants, man. Seriously. We got double the fanclub we usually do.’’ Sam says, annoyed. 

 

‘’What's the incident?’ Bucky asks, very purposefully not looking down at what pants Steve are wearing.

 

‘’We don’t talk about the incident’’ Clint says very carefully.

 

‘’Well now I have to know what's the incident’’ Scott says, chewing on pizza.

 

He gets hit by a wave of fries flying from a few directions, and he yelps but doesn't botter asking again, only muttering to himself about how unfair they were being. 

 

‘’Alright, what movie are we watching tonight?’’ Pepper asks, settling down on the sofa with the TV remote.

 

‘’Must I really stay for this, brother?’’ The black-haired man asks Thor.

 

Ah, so Thor’s brother then. Steve had mentioned him before, Bucky was fairly certain. Something about him being evil? Something stirs inside of Bucky and he takes a step closer to shield Steve from the man’s vision slightly, and he gets handed a pizza plate by his friend, who probably assumed that it was the reason he got closer.

 

Thor ignores his brother and direct his attention towards the group instead.

 

‘’Shall we draw some straws?’’

 

‘’We could, but last time we did that, Wanda cheated.’’ Clint says

 

‘’I did not!’’

 

‘’Yes you did.’’ Tony says. ‘’Name draw then?’’

 

‘’Actually,’’ Peter speaks and everyone turns to look at him. ‘’I thought since it’s Bucky’s first movie night we could let him decide the movie.’’

 

Bucky’s chest feels warm.

 

‘’It’s my first movie night too, you kn-’’ Scott starts speaking but he gets hit by fries again, that he fails miserably to dodge. ‘’Seriously?’’

 

‘’I don’t know a lot of movies’’ Bucky says, holding his plate close to him and looking at Steve nervously.

 

His friend leans closer to him. 

 

‘’Did you know they made The Hobbit into a movie?’’ he asks and Bucky’s eyes go wide.

 

He remembers that book. Couldn’t stop talking about it for months after he read it, and Steve would draw the sceneries Bucky would read for him out loud.

 

Ned and Peter squeals excitedly at the suggestion and Clint groans so loud it makes Bucky snort. 

 

‘’Another nerd’’ he says, sounding a little bit desperate and Bucky shoots him a look. 

 

‘’The Hobbit sounds great.’’ he says, smiling gratefully at Steve, who fucking winks in answers and Bucky chugs half of his beer bottle.  

 

‘’Which one?’’ Tony asks

 

‘’Are there more than one?’’ Bucky frowns

 

‘’Let’s just watch them all!’’ Ned suggests 

 

‘’Wouldn’t that take like, over 6 hours?’’ Rhodey asks 

 

‘’More like 8, actually’’ MJ says and everyone settles down, apparently okay with spending well into the night here simply to watch what Bucky chose.

 

His chest feels even warmer. 

 

He’s not sure he likes it. 

 

Steve pulls him toward the couch, and he ends up sitting between him and Clint. The lights dim until they’re closed completely and Clint leans into his ear as the movie start. 

 

‘’I hate you for this’’ he whispers and Bucky bites back a smile.

 

‘’Shhhh’’ he says ‘’I’m trying to watch a movie’’ 

 

He gets flicked into the side of the head, which would usually make him jump and/or break the arm of whoever did it, but he finds he simply flinch away and flicks the guy right back, with his metal arm.

 

‘’Ow dude. That’s an unfair advantage’’

 

‘’Well that's on you for starting a fight you can’t win’’ Bucky retorts back, still whispering.

 

‘’Alright hot shot, don’t make me show you a fight you can’t win’’ 

 

‘’Sorry guys, are we interrupting?’’ Steve asks harshly beside him, and Bucky’s mouth slaps shut with an unspoken insult back.

 

‘’Sorry Cap’’ Clint says, leaning back away from Bucky and into the seat

 

‘’In my defense I did tell him to shut up’’ Bucky defends himself and Clint shusses him in turn.

 

Steve doesn't bother answering, eyes focused on the screen.

 

Bucky didn't know Steve took movies so seriously, but fine. He mimics his friends and turns to the film, finally paying attention to what is happening in front of him. 

 

Soon, the fantasy words sucks him right back in, and he can’t tear his eyes away from the TV. At some point, someone is tapping his shoulder, and he turns his head slightly to acknowledge Steve without having to actually look away. 

 

‘’Sorry’’ his friend says in a hushed tone

 

‘’Huh?’’ Bucky asks softly

 

‘’Sorry, about earlier. I was rude’’

 

Bucky shrugs. He’s been much more rude to Steve than Steve has been to him.

 

‘’You’re fine.’’ He whispers

 

‘’We’re okay?’’ Steve asks and there's worry seeping through his voice, so Bucky turns to face him this time, movie be damned.

 

‘’We’re okay.’’ Bucky affirms back to him, looking him straight in the eyes to make sure it goes through. 

 

But then Steve stares back, and he just doesn't look away. Bucky doesn't know when he’s meant to stop looking into his eyes, or if he has to at all. 

 

He doesn't really want to.

 

‘’Does anyone want popcorn?’’ Sam asks, and Bucky’s head snaps towards the screen so quickly his neck cracks.

 

‘’I’d go for popcorn.’’ Thor answers.

 

‘’Of course you would.’’ His sibling answers and Thor shoves him

 

‘’Alright then, pee break’’ Pepper says, pressing pause and the lights turns on, only slightly, as a few people head out of the room, either towards the kitchen or the bathroom. Steve is one of them

 

Bucky stares off into the distance as the smell of popcorn slowly fills the room. 

 

Then a gummy bear hits him straight in the face. 

 

He looks at it, dumbfounded, and then back up in the direction in came from.

 

Natasha has a cocky smile on his face, holding the bag of candy Scott brought in earlier and going through it.

 

‘’You enjoying yourself?’’ She asks.

 

‘’Yes’’ he says, surprised by how quickly the answers comes to him.

 

Nat nods.

 

‘’The first movie night we watched Pride and Prejudice. Steve chose it. It was so awful we bullied him the whole time. I had the best night.’’ She says and Bucky ignores the contradiction because he thinks he understands what she means.

 

‘’I thought that movie was good, me personally’’ Wanda says

 

‘’No, you didn't, Steve is just your favorite.’’ Nat objects and Wanda just shrugs

 

‘’It wasn't bad .’’ She corrects herself and the other chuckles, shaking her head.

 

‘’Anyways,’’ She says, throwing another gummy is way. ‘’I was just trying to explain that movie night isn’t so much about the movie than it is about the night. And you just made it 8 hours long. So, thanks for that. We hadn’t have one in a long while.’’

 

‘’I didn't do it on purpose’’ 

 

‘’I know.’’

 

Bucky frowns, obviously confused, so Sam interjects.

 

‘’She’s showing appreciation and sharing stuff. That’s usually how friendship works, dude.’’

 

‘’Ah.’’ Bucky says. ‘’Makes sense. Thank you.’’

 

The room starts filling up again and Bucky is relieved, because he doesn't have anything to share back and he was starting to get nervous.

 

When they get to the third movie, it is well into the night and Scott, Pepper, Clint, Nat, Sam, Steve, Thor, Peter and Ned are already sound asleep. Loki is leaning forward now, fully invested in the story, grumbling things at the characters, gasping and even hiding between his hands at some stressful plot points in the movie. 

 

Bucky’s eyes are starting to feel heavy, but he doesn't want to fall asleep on the couch and wake everyone up in a nightmare. 

 

‘’Lets go get some blankets’’ Tony suggests and Bucky nods, getting up to follow him. It’ll probably help him stay awake. The lights stay off and the movie on this time, probably to avoid waking the others up. 

 

MJ gets up and follows them as well, and Bruce apologizes but gestures to Nat and Scott, each asleep on one of his shoulders. 

 

‘’I think three of us can manage some blankets’’ Tony whispers to him and the rest of the people still awake settle back down to focus on the scene currently playing, Wanda curling up on Vision while he strokes her hair. When Rhodey opens his mouth to talk (probably to thank them), Loki gives him a death stare as if he felt the interruption coming, so he shuts it back and shrugs at Tony helplessly.

 

Tony lifts his thumbs up and he heads out of the room, MJ and Bucky on his heels. He leads them to a hallway, and for a quick second Bucky thinks they’re about to enter his bedroom but the door he opens is just a closet. He reaches for one of the shelf and start pulling out a few blankets.

 

‘’Most of those are big enough to share.’’ He whispers to them, the sound of the movie playing faintly in the back. ‘’MJ, this should be okay for you, Peter and Ned’’

 

‘’Do I have to share with them? Ned always pull on the blanket’’ 

 

‘’You’re spoiled’’ Tony says but he still adds another one on top.

 

‘’Thanks’’ She says, lips curling up slightly.

 

‘’Yeah yeah, he waves her off, adding a few more to the pile on her hand before turning towards Bucky and throwing one at him.

 

‘’This one’s big enough for you and Clint’’ 

 

Bucky looks down at the blanket in his hands.

 

‘’What about Steve?’’ he asks

 

Tony snorts.

 

‘’That man doesn't need a blanket. He’s a furnace’’

 

‘’I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cold.’’ MJ affirms in turn

 

The memory hits him so suddenly that Bucky has to take a step back.

It’s a hot summer day, one of those where the sun shines so atrociously hard that it makes your whole body slow down. 

 

It is Bucky’s first day off in a while, and he’s currently in the kitchen drinking a glass of water, the only cold air coming from the breeze that sometimes comes through the window. 

 

The window that he witnesses Steve walk up to and shuts close. 

 

‘’Rogers, are you tryin’ to kill me?’’ He asks, wiping his face with his shirt to get rid of the sweat clinging to his skin. ‘’Open the goddamn window.’’

 

When Steve turns towards him, Bucky knows immediately that something is wrong. He’s pale, paler than usual, and his eyes are unfocused. 

 

‘’I’m cold.’’ He says, and he shivers .

 

Bucky takes a step forward. Steve is wearing one of the sweaters his Ma used to knit for them for Christmas, to keep them warm. Bucky can’t fit in them anymore, but Steve loves those sweaters. He wears them almost every winter day.

 

But it isn't winter right now. 

 

He’s also wearing pajama pants and big socks, and Bucky wonders how it is that Steve hasn't overheated yet. Unless he has.

 

He takes another step forward to touch his friend’s forehead, and Steve leans into the touch.

 

‘’You’re warm’’ he says, eyes closed.

 

‘’ I’M warm?!’’ Bucky shouts. ‘’We could cook an egg on your forehead, pal.’’

 

‘’M’not hungry’’ Steve mumbles, and then he wraps his arm around Bucky and buries his face into his chest, chasing the warmth.

 

A cough attack shakes his body but he doesn't move away, only holds tighter onto Bucky’s shirt.

 

‘’Oh Steve’’ Bucky says, putting one arm around his best friend’s back and going through his dripping hair with the other.

 

It’s a mystery to Bucky how Steve could get a cold in the weather. He was hoping he could get at least until next winter to get ready. It’s the first time Steve is sick since they’ve moved in together.

 

He’s getting nervous now, trying to remember what Mrs.Rogers used to say, what she used to teach him when he would get to their house to a bedridden Steve. 

 

Get the temperature down. How to make a mustard plaster. Tea is good, but only when the patient is not too hot, and it's helpful if you can get your hands on honey. Lucid is a good sign, ask loads of questions. It’s better if you catch it early. 

 

Bucky pulls Steve towards the couch and sits him down. Steve tries to complain, but he just doesn't have the strength to hold on to Bucky, so he slouches onto the cushion. 

 

‘’How long you been hiding this from me, huh?’’

 

Steve’s eyelashes flutter and his eyes go wide.

 

‘’Huh?’’

 

‘’How long have you been sick for?’’

 

His friend sighs and frowns a bit, thinking.

 

‘’Two.’’ he slurs after a while

 

‘’Two what?’’ Bucky says, kneeling in front of him and starting to take off Steve’s socks, putting his legs on each side of him once he’s done to be able to reach his shirt. 

 

‘’Days’’ Steve says to the ceiling, head lolling on the back of the couch.

 

Bucky curses himself silently for not noticing, and he tries to pull off Steve’s shirt, but he’s too limp and he sighs into his hands, panic welling up inside of his chest.

 

‘’Can you help me out here ,Stevie, please?’’ He says, keeping himself together as much as possible, tugging on Steve’s shirt.

 

Steve reacts to his name and looks down at Bucky. He takes him in for a second, lips opened slightly, his weak and wheezing breath coming out of it irregularly. His tongue goes over his cracked lips. 

 

‘’I need to take your shirt off. Can you help?’’ Bucky asks, tugging on Steve’s shirt again, and Steve’s arms go up automatically, allowing him to do so. 

 

A much bigger shiver goes through Steve’s body now, and he wraps his arms around himself.

 

‘’I’m cold’’ He whines.

 

That statement does nothing to help calm Bucky down. Steve never complains, even when he’s sick. Which is probably why he tried to tough it out without telling Bucky. Stupid punk.

 

‘’I know bud, but you have temperature. We have to get it down.’’ 

 

Steve pouts like a child at that, and Bucky starts to raise himself up from the ground before Steve reaches his hand to the neckline of his shirt to hold him down, grumbling something that Bucky can’t quite hear.

 

‘’What’s that?’’

 

‘’Pretty’’ Steve says before releasing him, eyes closing again and Bucky’s throat gets dry. 

 

‘’Yeah’’ He says softly, looking down at his friend before clearing his throat and heading towards the window Steve had just closed to open it again. 

 

He does that to every window in the place, making sure to close the curtains so that as little sunlight as possible gets in. Then he heads to the kitchen and grabs his half finished glass of water to fill it up, wetting a cloth at the same time with the cold water. 

 

He tries not to think so much, to follow the instruction that Sarah taught him as he makes the mustard plasters, but the worry seeping through his bones is hard to ignore, the responsibility of his friend’s life hanging heavy on his shoulder. 

 

He’s so scared. 

 

He drops the mustard tincture beside his bed, his room being the only one with a window in it, before heading back to the living room with the glass of water and the cloth. 

 

When he goes back to the couch, Steve is curled up on himself, holding the sweater close to his chest. 

 

‘’You still awake?’’ Bucky asks, shaking Steve slightly and the other only hums in answer, but that's enough confirmation for him

 

‘’You gotta drink this, Steve’’ he says, undoing Steve’s fingers from the hold it has on the sweater and pushing the water into his hand. 

 

Steve looks down at the water then back up at Bucky.

 

‘’I’m cold’’ he repeats again, looking at Bucky like he might be dumb.

 

‘’No. You feel cold, but your body is hot. We have to help it cool down.’’ 

 

‘’Where’s my Ma?’’ Steve asks and Bucky’s heart squeezes. This can’t be good.

 

‘’Drink’’ he only says, helping the glass of water up and to Steve's mouth. He only takes a few careful sips before shoving it back down, but at least it's something. 

 

Bucky puts the glass on the floor and winces at the cloth.

 

‘’I’m so sorry’’ he says

 

And then he starts running it on Steve’s chest. As soon as it touches his skin, Steve hisses and tries to escape him, but Bucky holds him still until the cloth feels warm, which is quickly. Too quickly.

 

‘’Let’s get you to bed, huh? What’d you think’’ 

 

Steve eyes him up, very clearly angry at him, but Bucky doesnt let it phase him. He only gets up the couch and helps Steve lift himself up, taking most of his weight to get him to his bedroom. Steve doesn't ask why they’re not going into his own, maybe because it's not unusual for them to sleep in each other's bedroom, but also probably because he’s too off it to even notice. 

 

Steve’s skin is still hot, too hot, so Bucky simply lies him on top of the covers for now, ignoring the goosebumps all over his friend’s body. 

 

‘’Please’’ Steve says, and he doesn't even have to specify for Bucky to know what he’s asking for. 

 

But Bucky cannot give him anything to cover himself, not yet, so instead he goes and runs the cloth under cold water again. 

 

It makes his eyes water when Steve begs him to stop and he knows he cannot do it a third time. He can’t handle it. This’ll have to do. 

 

‘’There, see? All done. I’m sorry Steve. I’m sorry.’’

 

But Steve only ignores him and turns his back away, curling up again. Bucky knows they cannot afford a doctor or medicine, but he goes as far as considering knocking on his parents door. Could he leave Steve alone for long enough to get to them?

 

Staring at Steve’s shivering back feels like enough of an answer on itself. 

 

Despair fills his lungs and he chokes on it. He doesn't know how Sarah used to do it. He’s not good enough. He wants her back. 

 

The smell of mustard reaches his nose as he thinks of her, and it feels like maybe she’s not too far after all. She might show him the way, if he tries to listen. He has a good memory, if he focuses enough he can almost hear her voice, guiding him.

 

He takes Steve's shoulder softly and puts him on his back once again. His eyes are close, and his breathing is still irregular and pained, but somewhat more settled. He’s asleep. Bucky is extra careful as he covers his friend’s chest with the mixture, his nose wrinkling at the smell. When he’s satisfied with his work, he puts the bowl down and sits by Steve, watching over him like a hawk. 

 

Bucky must doze off at some point, because he’s woken up by Steve is coughing and gasping, choking on air. Bucky wakes up startled and rubs his hand against Steve’s back until he’s finally able to breathe again.

 

‘’In and out. Come on, in and out Stevie. You got this’’

 

Silence befalls them in the bedroom after this, only the wheezing of his calming breath resonating around them. 

 

Steve pulls Bucky beside him this time,as he lays back down, burying once again in his warmth, and Bucky knows he shouldn't let him, because his temperature is still way up, but he cannot bring himself to pull away.

 

‘’Stay with me’’ Steve murmurs into his shirt.

 

‘’Always’’ Bucky says

 

He doesn't fall asleep again, instead, he prays. Bucky is not religious, but he prays and prays and prays and once he’s confident Steve has fallen asleep again, he lifts his face to look at it.

 

‘’Don’t you die on me Steven Grant Rogers’’ he whispers to him, and then he drops his head and gives a quick kiss on his lips, barely letting them brush, just in case. Just in case he never gets to do it again. 

 

He stares into the darkness praying until the sun comes back up again and Steve moves against him, blinking his eyes open and speaking with a rusty voice.

 

‘’Why’s it so hot in here for god’s sake’’ 

 

Bucky laughs so hard he cries, holding close a very confused Steve. Or maybe he just cries. It doesn't matter. 

 

Steve will be okay. 

When he comes back to, he’s sitting on the ground with Stark, still holding the blanket. Tony is lost in thought, staring at the wall in front of him, fingers tapping on his leg in a repetitive manner.  Bucky blinks and turns to look at him, catching his attention.

 

‘’Back yet, Barnes?’’

 

Bucky sighs, pulling his shoulders back and cracking his neck. He hates getting memories back in front of people. He dissociates everytime, or at least that's what Shuri called it. He likes it much more when he wakes up and finds out he remembers something new. Its like that most of the time, but sometimes he’s awake when it happens and it feels like he’s getting teleported into his head and has no more power over his body, although he doesn’t realize it when he’s reliving the memory. He hates how familiar of a feeling that is. 

 

‘’Yeah, I’m back.’’

 

‘’Was it a good one?’’ Stark asks, already getting up

 

It happened before, when they were walking together that Bucky would get a memory back, but never this long. It freaked Tony the hell out the first time, because Bucky just stopped walking and stared at a tree for five minutes, but after that he was always pretty laid-back about it. Bucky came back to himself a few times outside in the exact same position they are in right now.

 

Bucky brushes his fingers over his lips slightly, guilt rising up in his stomach at the idea he took advantage of his sick friend, but he pushes it down. That was another time, when he was just a scared kid. He would never do it again. 

 

‘’It ended good.’’ Bucky sighs, following him up. No hand was offered to him, but Stark waited so he can only see it as a good sign. ‘’Steve does get cold.’’

 

Tony shoots him a skeptical look but goes to grab a new blanket from the closet anyways before they start heading towards the living room again. 

 

‘’You can give Clint this one and share yours’’ Tony says, handing it to him and Bucky shrugs, sharing with Steve being something that just comes as a second nature for him.

 

When they enter the room again, everyone but Steve, Loki and Clint are covered in blankets. Steve is now awake and sitting a little stiff, but when he notices them he relaxes back into the couch. 

 

‘’Finally’’ Clint says, snatching the blanket away from Bucky’s hand as soon as he sits back down. ‘’Took you long enough.’’

 

‘’Sorry.’’ Bucky says

 

‘’No you’re not.’’

 

‘’Not really’’

 

Clint flips him the birds and Steve pulls on his shirt a bit, trying to attract his attention without being too obvious about it. Bucky turns to him, eyebrow raised.

 

‘’You alright? I woke up and you weren’t here’’

 

‘’I’m alright’’ Bucky whispers back with a slight smile that he hopes is reassuring before tapping two fingers to his temple.

 

Steve seems to understand, because he nods 

 

‘’Something good?’’ he asks, echoing Stark’s question.

 

‘’Not something bad.’’ Bucky answers simply. ‘’Nobody died’’ He adds.

 

‘’Good’’ Steve says and Bucky’s eyes flash to his lips for a second, before he quickly looks away.

 

‘’You cold?’’ He asks, gesturing to the blanket. 

 

‘’I’m never cold’’ Steve says but he still takes the blanket from Bucky’s hand and unfolds it atop of them. 

 

‘’You used to get cold.’’ Bucky opposes grumpily, because what's the point of remembering stuff if it's all changed anyways.

 

‘’I did’’ Steve admits. ‘’I kind of miss it sometimes.’’

 

‘’Being cold?’’

 

‘’Yeah. Well more like not being cold anymore. You know, when you’re cold and then you put on a big sweater or you drink tea or eat some soup and then you’re warm again? I miss that feeling.’’

 

And Bucky does understand what he means. He can still get cold, but not the way he used to. He has to be put in truly awful conditions in order for him to really be cold. 

 

Or in cryofreeze.

 

The motherfucking Winter Soldier.

 

Really, Bucky doesn't miss the cold at all. 

 

He wraps himself a little more in the side of the blanket that is his and Steve must understand that this is the end of the conversation, because he does the same, causing their shoulders to be pressed together underneath it. 

 

He gets sucked into the movie once more and although he did miss some chunks of it, he can piece it up what he missed pretty easily since he read the book. He barely registers Steve’s head on his shoulder until the movie ends and the credits start playing.

 

The fear of having nightmares in front of everyone can probably be enough to keep him awake all night, but he’s so tired, and the sound of everyone’s deep breathing combined with Steve’s warmth by his side is making his will weaker by the second. 

 

“We don’t even really need to sleep, you know.” Thor’s brother, who has been introduced to him as Loki, speaks. He is looking at Thor, snuggled beside him, but Bucky assumes he must be speaking to him since he’s the only one who is awake at the moment. “I think he just likes it”

 

‘’I wish I didn’t need sleep’’ Bucky grumbles and Loki nods

 

‘’Many wish to own the power of the Gods.’’ He says. ‘’And yet you have here a God who wishes to be human. So perhaps no one is ever truly happy with what they have.’’

 

‘’Are you?’’ Bucky asks and the laughs that escapes Loki’s mouth is like broken glass

 

‘’It could be worse, I suppose.’’

 

‘’It can always be worse. Doesn't mean it’s good.’’

 

‘’No, it doesn’t’’ Loki agrees, lifting his eyes to meet his for the first time since they have started talking.

 

Bucky shifts uncomfortably under the other man’s intense gaze. He knows he’s about to speak again, and he’s unsure about where the conversation is going. 

 

‘’You know pain. I can see it. Is that why you wish not to sleep? So that the things that happened to you can’t catch up?’’

 

Bucky stares ahead for a moment, considering not answering at all, but the night is made for saying things you could never say under the light, and the tone in Loki’s voice is not judging, nor is it pitying. He only wants to know, and Bucky wants to talk with someone who might understand what it feels like to do things that haunts you. 

 

‘’Do you dream?’’ He says, gesturing to Thor with a nod of his head. ‘’When you sleep?’’

 

‘’Sometimes’’ Loki answers carefully

 

Bucky nods, and he lets silence fall on the room again, thinking for a long time before he speaks again.

 

‘’My head’s fucked up. I got… Some people found a way to go in it, and they tried to take stuff out, and replace it. So, yeah, I have a lot of trouble with knowing what’s real or not. Dreams are…complicated. They’re confusing.’’ He explains. ‘’Most days I wake up and I don’t know if the dream I had was a memory that came back or just some fucked up shit my brain made up.’’

 

‘’If it grants you some peace, I can watch over you tonight and wake you up if I see you’re starting to be agitated.’’

 

‘’Aren’t you supposed to be the evil one?’’ Bucky asks

 

‘’Aren’t you?’’ Loki snarks back and Bucky’s lips curls up

 

Yeah, he likes that guy.

 

‘’So, Thor did tell you about me then.’’

 

‘’You really think I would accept to go somewhere without knowing everything about the people there with me? Do you think me a fool?’’

 

‘’Suppose I don’t know much about you’’ Bucky shrugs before remembering Steve’s head on his shoulder. 

 

His friend moves his head slightly but doesn't seem to wake up, and Bucky relaxes once more.

 

‘’Yes, I suppose you don’t’’ Loki admits ‘’The offer still stand. I did not intend to sleep anyways.’’

 

Bucky hesitates for a second, because he really doesnt know if he can trust that guy, but a night of sleep is truly tempting, especially since he knows sitting there perfectly still to avoid waking Steve all night would be torture. 

 

Well, maybe not torture, but awful anyways.

 

He nods and Loki nods back, an understanding, and Bucky settles himself, leaning back on the couch and resting his head behind him. He’s fast asleep, Steve’s presence at his side steadying him. 

 

Loki doesn’t wake him up that night. He doesn’t need to.

Chapter 10

Notes:

Adumbkoi this one is for you cause I literally forced myself to sit down and not do anything else until I finished this goddamn chapter because of your comment so there you gooooo

Hope you guys like ittttt, a bit angsty (again) (NOT EVEN THAT MUCH OKAY) BUT I SWEAR WE'LL GET SOME MORE HAPPY BUCKY SOON (soon is very relative) (I'm saying soon but in author's language)

“Buck? Hey, Buck? Sorry pal, gotta wake up” A familiar voice pulls him out of his slumber.

 

Bucky startles slightly until he remembers where he is and grumpily folds his upper body down on himself, folding his arm atop his head, hair falling around his face like curtains. Fuck the mornings.

 

“Oh, good, you’re up”

 

‘’No I’m not’’ He grumbles into the blanket in his laps

 

‘’What?’’ Steve asks and Bucky sighs, stubbornly keeping his head swallowed in the sweet darkness.

 

He knows he won’t be able to go back to sleep, but he’s not ready to face the sun yet, that traitor.  

 

“What time is it?” He speaks a bit louder into his lap, not bothering to repeat his previous sentence. 

 

“Brunch time!” A younger voice answers in Steve’s place

 

“Brunch time?” Bucky asks, uncertain, curious enough to finally lift his head up.

 

Steve is not wearing the same clothes as yesterday, hair slightly damp from what must’ve been a shower, but Bucky can’t tell by smell only since Steve’s standing at a safe distance from him, probably because he expected him to get startled awake. His body language doesn't reflect that thought, tho, since he’s still looking down at him with a fond smile, eye crinkling. Most importantly, Peter is standing next to him, energy buzzing, clearly excited about something.

 

“Yeah, brunch. You know, like, late breakfast?”

 

“I know what brunch is, kid.”

 

“Oh I thought- I mean cause you kind of asked?”

 

“It’s almost eleven” Steve answers his question

 

“Who’s making brunch?” He asks, squinting suspiciously at Steve

 

“Nobody. We always eat out after movie night. It's a thing” Steve says

 

“Another food thing?” Bucky asks and he cant help but smirk

 

“It's more like a tradition.” Peter clarifies. “And the restaurant Mr.Stark takes us to is soooo good, like, you won't even believe it”

 

Right. Eat out . In a restaurant. Outside.

 

“Oh. Sorry Peter, I don’t know if I…” Bucky trails off. 

 

He hasn't been out of the Tower since he got here, and he’s still unsure about it. He misses the fresh air but every time he gets enough nerve to go to the lobby, he deflates once he sees the outside. The people walking around, completely oblivious to the danger he would put them through just by stepping out. Last time, he stared so long he started convincing himself that a stranger whose eyes flickered to him for a second was an agent watching him, and soon enough he got triggered enough to lock himself into his closet for a few hours. 

 

Breakfast is probably not the greatest idea. 

 

Peter’s face falls

 

“Are you not coming? Why?” 

 

Bucky turns to Steve for help, and his friend squeezes Peter’s shoulder.

 

“Hey, I warned you he might not come, didn't I? Bucky’s… very busy”

 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to push” Peter says, but the disappointment is clear in his face. 

 

And maybe it's the full night of dreamless sleep, or maybe it's the guilt trip, or the fact he spet a whole night surrounded by nearly stranger without snapping, or maybe even the glint of hope he saw die in Steve’s eyes a few seconds ago, but something makes Bucky sighs and say

 

“Give me a minute to go get dressed and I’ll meet you all in front”

 

The smile shines again on Peter’s face as if it never left, and then he’s turning around and almost running to the kitchen

 

“MR.STARKKKKK HE SAID YES” 

 

“What? No he didn't” Bucky can hear Tony’s disbelieving voice from the kitchen

 

‘’I told you he would!’’ Peter shouts back before he disappears in the doorway, and then Bucky hears the much quieter voice of MJ claiming Tony owes her 5$

 

“Thank you.” Steve says with a grateful smile, moving closer and reaching a hand out for him to pull himself up off the couch.

 

Bucky definitely doesn't need help raising himself off a couch, but he grabs the hand and pulls nonetheless, letting the blanket fall unceremoniously on the ground

 

‘’What’re you thanking me for?’’

 

 “Peter.’’ Steve says. ‘’He was really hoping you’d come. Kept saying if you saw Time Square without him being there he’d consider it treason.”

 

Bucky snorts as they start walking towards the elevators.

 

‘’Not like I was just casually gonna walk over to Time Square. Haven’t even made it to outside the building yet.’’

 

Steve stops him, head cocked to the side and face slightly worried, a crease forming between his eyebrows.

 

‘’You know if you’re not ready you don’t have to, right? I could stay here with you if you want and-’’

 

‘’Don’t’’ Bucky interrupts him. ‘’I want to come. It’s just… Steve, I don’t know how this is gonna go.” he admits. “I might… What if- So many things could go wrong”

 

“Hydra is gone” Steve affirms. “Nobody is gonna try to hurt you. And even if they did, you’d be in a room filled with superheroes to the brim”

 

Bucky grunts, irritated that he did not express himself clearly

 

“That’s not what I’m saying.” He says. “I don't care if they try to hurt me, it's just-.” He taps his two fingers on his temple the same way he did the day before. “What if I get overwhelmed and lose it?”

 

What if they’re not gone? What if the trigger words are actually still working and they force me to kill you all?

 

Bucky shivers at the thought, but doesn’t dare to say it out loud. Words have power, he has learned that.

 

“If that happens…well you’ll be in a room filled with superheroes anyways. We will deal with it” Steve says, voice heavy and eyes darting around the room as if the idea of this is too uncomfortable to even think about.

 

Bucky’s not sure that would be enough, and his hesitation must show on his face because Steve put one hand on his shoulder softly.

 

“Do you trust me, Buck?”

 

“Yes.” The answer is immediate, out of his mouth before his brain can even register it.

 

Mind, soul and body , Bucky thinks. He doesnt say it.

 

Steve’s smile gets all warm anyways.

 

“Then believe me when I say that if anything goes wrong at all or even just if you don’t like it, I’ll bring you back. I promise”

 

Bucky doesn't know if he means bring him back to the Tower or bring him back , but it reassures him either way and he disappears into the elevator doors with a nod, going to his apartment to quickly get changed out of his now dirty clothes.

 

He takes the shirt off as soon as he gets to is room, throwing it on his bedroom floor before looking outside for the weather. Even from this side of the glass, he can feel the warmth of the early autumn sun, so he should probably wear a short-sleeved shirt. 

 

His reflection on the window stops him as he is about to grab one, arm glistening in the light. 

 

Right. 

 

Long sleeve it is, then. 

 

His closet is filled with clothes, chosen by what could only be Tony. He’s been grabbing things at random for the last few days, settling for the shirts that looked the most comfortable, but now he’s stuck staring at them. He’s unsure what type of clothes this restaurant calls for, and it feels silly to go back and ask. 

 

He decides on going for a black turtleneck with light fabric and simple black jeans, hoping he won't get too hot. He knows he’ll either be slightly overdressed or slightly underdressed, but he doesn't think anyone will mind either way. 

 

And a completely black outfit will help to hide, to camouflage in the darkness if that becomes necessary.

 

Harder to find for the bad guys.

But harder to find for the good ones too.

He pushes the thought away, refusing to acknowledge it and focusing on the memory that is trying to resurface instead.

‘’You fucking with us, right Cap?’’ Dum Dum asks, staring at Steve.

 

‘’Of course he is. He’d never agree to something ridiculous like that.’’ Dernier says and Bucky can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or if its just his accent making it seems this way

 

‘’Come on, we just have to roll around in the dirt a bit.’’ Steve says but he winces, aware of how absurd what he is asking of the commandos is. 

 

‘’...Roll around?’’ Morita asks, dumbfounded, like this is the stupidest thing he has ever heard. It might be. 

 

‘’We need to look like we’ve just came out of combat’’ Steve explains

 

‘’Why can’t they film us when we do come out of combat?’’ Jones asks, slightly annoyed

 

‘’Last time they tried, Dum Dum punched the camera’’ Steve sighs

 

‘’Well deserved if you ask me’’ Falsworth nods

 

‘’They were all up in my face!’’ Dugan shouts

 

Bucky’s not looking when Steve turns to him for help, slightly desperate, but he can feel his gaze burn into the side of his head. He pretends that he doesn’t feel his eyes on him, because he knows as soon as he has to face the puppy eyes he’ll fold like a cheap suit.

 

But of course, eventually, he looks anyways. 

 

He wouldnt be Bucky Barnes if he didnt look.

 

Stupid Steve with his stupid face and his stupid lashes and his stupid pout making him do all the dirty work. He’ll have him pay for this. 

 

Bucky sighs 

 

‘’Am I crazy or am I hearing you guys defying an order from our commanding officer?’’ he asks casually, cocking his head to the side and staring down the other mens.

 

Bucky didn't use to be scary, he doesn't think. But the complaints die almost immediately on the tongues of the commandos. 

 

Maybe because of the way the war changed him. 

 

Or maybe they can feel it too, the fact he hasn't been the same since Azzano, his blood flooding differently in his veins, his eyes and ears sharper. The way he flinches at every touch, like his skin is made of pure live nerves. Like it burns. Because it does. 

 

He shakes the thoughts away, turning back to Steve with his eyebrow raised. Steve's mouth curls up, but he quickly looks at the now quiet mens before they change their mind. 

 

‘’Alright. Let’s do it.’’ Steve orders and they all put their weapons and their packs down.

 

Bucky drops his by Steve’s side, where he stands. That's where he is most of the time since they’ve been fighting together, where he feels the most at home, although he’s still not used to having to look up. 

 

‘’This is stupid’’ Steve mumbles to him. 

 

‘’What?’’ Bucky smirks. ‘’That you won't get to look pretty for the camera?’’

 

Steve shoots him a look, but he lowers his voice.

 

‘’I’m sorry about the whole filming crew thing. They should be out of our hair soon.’’

 

‘’’S’alright. I don’t mind all that much.’’ Bucky shrugs, before he elbows Steve, teasing. ‘’We’re gonna be movie stars’’

 

That does seem to lighten Steve’s mood, and then they’re all on the ground rolling around. 

 

‘’Is it too late to resign?’’ Dernier asks under his breath

 

‘’Just imagine we’re camouflaging.’’ Steve says

 

‘’Maybe if we roll around long enough the filming crew won't see us’’ Morita says and Bucky muffles his laugh, and then he rolls around a bit too far and knocks his head right into a tree.

 

‘’Ow, what the-’’ He says, stopping his momentum to grab the back of his head for a second before looking up.

 

‘’You okay?’’ Steve asks, a truly ridiculous amount of worry seeping into his voice considering that Bucky barely has a scratch.

 

‘’Did you knock your head, princess?’’ Dugan asks with a little smirk and then Bucky is throwing a bunch of mud his way and then two more are flying his way.

 

Oh so they want war.

 

That’s one way to get dirty. 

 

Bucky hides behind a tree and it doesn't take two seconds before Steve joins him behind another one nearby, and then they’re a team again and of course they win because how could they not. One look at each other and they know what to do, when the other needs them to throw or duck, and where to go and when. It takes them less than ten minutes before the other team waves a white flag (Bucky has honestly no idea where they even found it)

 

‘’I swear’’ Falsworth says, panting on his back, smeared from head to toes. ‘’They use telepathy.’’

 

‘’Unfair advantage’’ Gabe agrees, hands on his knees, bent over.

 

‘’Sore losers’’ Bucky says but he beams proudly at Steve and they high five.

 

‘’Think we’re dirty enough, Cap?’’ Morita asks, turning arround, arms raised. ‘’Cause I need a drink. Or two’’

 

‘’Fine.’’ Steve says, agreeing, his eyes still crinkling. ‘’Let’s go shoot a few scenes, and then the drinks are on me.’’

 

‘’Hear Hear!’’ Dernier shouts and then they’re headed towards the camp, looking probably far too cheerful for people who are meant to be acting as if they just came back from a fight, but those moments are rare lately, so Bucky holds the feeling close to his heart.

 

And, well, if his eyes linger a little too long that night when Steve cleans the mud off his chest in their tent, that's between him and God. 

Bucky blinks back into consciousness, still standing in his bedroom and he smiles. The commandos would’ve probably rather a slightly warm turtleneck than a cover of soil as camouflage, but then again who knows. He really cannot imagine Dum Dum ever wearing this.

 

‘’Friday?’’ He asks awkwardly, head looking up to the ceiling. 

 

‘’Yes, Bucky?’’

 

‘’How long was I…’’ He starts

 

‘’Seven minutes and 39 seconds, sir.’’

 

‘’Did you…’’

 

‘’No, I did not notify anyone. Would you like me to?’’ She interrupts again

 

Alright, so either this machine can read his mind or he’s becoming extremely predictable. He shakes his head. 

 

‘’No, thank you. Are they waiting for me?’’ 

 

‘’It seems like everyone is currently expecting you in the lobby, yes.’’

 

Bucky silently curses himself for making them wait and goes to grab the one pair of gloves Tony handed him on the plane on their way here, making sure that his metal arm is completely hidden.

 

The Avengers can say that Hydra is gone all they want, but Bucky knows how many times their head has grown back, and a vibranium arm isn't the best when you want to stay lowkey. 

 

He also hates the reminder. 

 

You’d think he'd remember, after all those years, and yet he still gets startled at the glint of the light sometimes, still lays in bed wondering why his arm is so heavy. So cold. Granted, it happens less often than it used to back when HYDRA would erase his memory constantly, but it still does, and he hates it. 

 

He gets halfway to the elevators before his phone vibrates twice in his pockets. He pulls it out, assuming that it must be Steve wondering if he’s okay. 

 

What he does not expect is messages from Shuri.

 

[WHITE WOLF]

[How do you like the gloves?]

 

Bucky frowns, looking at the phone then at his gloved fingers. He presses the screen and his fingertip starts glowing where it meets the phone. Huh.

 

He tries typing out a message.

 

[The gloves are yours?]

 

[That was atrociously slow, grandpa]

[No, the gloves aren’t mine]

[They’re a gift]

[FROM me]

 

[You tracking me?]

 

[There's so much more than a tracker.]

[I can monitor your vital signs with them and it notifies me when you put them on because of the heat sensor]

[Except it's the first time you actually wear them]

[ :( ]

 

[Sorry. didnt know.]

[Stop]

 

[Stop what?]

 

[The tracking]

 

[But then how will I know you’re alive?]

 

[Ask??]

 

[Its easier this way]

[Lets compromise]

[Can I turn the tracker off but keep the vital sign and heat sensor?]

 

[Fine.]

[Gloves are great, thanks. Bye]

 

[Bye White Wolf]

[Have fun going wherever you’re going because I’m apparently not allowed to know]

 

[Stop messaging I have to walk]

 

[You know you can text and walk at the same time, right?]

 

[How would I see]

 

[Omg you really are a grandpa]

Seen

Bucky rolls his eyes and puts the Starkphone back in his pocket to carry it around the way he’s seen everyone else doing. He asked Tony why once and he only got a weird look out of it, so he figured he’d just go along with it. He pulls it out far less often than the rest of them, mind you, but he’s started to grow used to its weight by now. 

 

It's certainly practical, and it doesn't feel so alien now that he understands how to use it a little (Thanks to Peter and hours of headaches) but he still doesn't feel 100% comfortable with it, and mostly just forgets he has it. Clint is the only one apart from Steve that reminds Bucky, and it's mostly just because he sends him pictures he finds funny or big zooms in of someone’s face. Bucky will never admit it to him, but he looks forward to receiving them. He doesn't ALWAYS get it, but it's fun. Makes him feel normal. 

 

And Steve texts, well, they’re… confusing? Mostly its just him letting Bucky knows when he leaves the Tower and when he gets back when he doesn't have time to come find Bucky in whatever room he’s in, and yet somehow he types it wrong or uses all caps or weird punctuation. Bucky always has to stare at the screen for a few minutes, trying to decipher it like they’re back at war and using codenames.

 

He knows he’s not the only person frustrated by this, since Steve gets relentlessly bullied by everyone else, but Bucky sees 0 amelioration so he only sends mild death stares when someone makes a comment in front of him. 

 

Lucky for him, he wasn’t gone long enough for his friend to get worried and send him anything, so there's that. He still picks up the pace, just in case. 

 

By the time he reaches the lobby, both Thor and Peter are shuffling impatiently on their feet a few feet away from the glass door leading outside.Their head both swings when the elevator doors ding loudly open, and Bucky winces, glad to have taken the stairs. He looks around a bit, not taking any step forward. He knows he’s stalling, his breath slightly short, but he’s probably okay since Nat only has a somewhat annoyed look on her face.

 

‘’I was starting to think you got lost on the way down’’ Tony says and Bucky startles, if only slightly. He glares at the ceiling. 

 

‘’Traitor.’’ He grumbles to Friday

 

‘’Come on Barnes, you look like a toddler that lost his mom in a Walmart. Of course she was gonna tell me. And well, if she didn't, somebody was bound to tell security about the weird men looming in a corner.’’ Stark says, looking at him over his probably overly expensive sunglasses and Bucky rolls his eyes. 

 

‘’What’s a Walmart?’’ he asks and Stark face darkens

 

‘’You don’t wanna know’’

 

Bucky shrugs and turns back to face the others. His hands are opening and closing by his sides, metal one whirring uncomfortably as it does and Bucky hates that he’s showing such a plain sign of anxiety. 

 

He used to be able to drift away, let his body take control while his mind stopped. If you don't have feelings or thoughts, you have no weaknesses. Only a goal.

 

Shuri said it was a terrible coping mechanism and that he ought to get a therapist. He flipped her the bird, then, and she laughed but never brought it up again. 

 

Still, he’s been working on it, trying to stay grounded and present, allowing his body to react to threats that only his mind perceives. It feels horrible. He hates every second of it.  

 

At least he feels something, and he supposes that's a win.

 

He has to admit he’s having a pretty hard time seeing the positives right now, tho, because Stark is very pointedly looking away and he’s being extremely bad at pretending Bucky’s nervousness isn't making him uncomfortable.

 

Bucky lets a long breath out, stopping the movement and clenching his fists instead, focusing on the slight pain of his nails breaking into the flesh of his right hand. He looks for Steve in the crowd in front of him but he’s nowhere to be seen, so he frowns.

 

‘’Where’s-’’ He starts to ask but he’s interrupted by Clint popping out beside them like he’s been there the whole time. 

 

He hates living with so many stealthy people.

 

‘’He’s outside by the cars’’ The new addition to the group answers without even letting him finish to ask first ‘’Pep asked him for help with the seating chart. You know, him being a master of strategy and all that’’

 

‘’...the seating chart?’’ Bucky asks, cocking his head to the side.

 

‘’In case something happens on the way there’’ Tony specifies. ‘’We can’t all fit in one car, so we spread the forces evenly in each, basically’’

 

‘’Ah’’ Bucky says, eyes darting carefully to the glass doors again. ‘’Do you often get attacked on the way to brunch or?’’

 

‘’Nah’’ Clint says. ‘’Planning ahead. ’’

 

‘’Planning for something in particular?’’ Bucky asks, squinting suspiciously

 

‘’Oh my god, Barnes, take a breather. We’re a bunch of paranoiac traumatized assholes with loads of enemies. We always do this.’’ Stark sighs

 

‘’If you always do this why isn't there already a chart?’’

 

‘’There is one, but there's also a few new people.’’ Tony explains. ‘’You, for example. The Ant guy. Thor’s adopted brother. Wilson aint always here either. Bunch of moving pieces.’’ 

 

Bucky lets his shoulder relax slightly, ignoring the anxiety curling in his stomach. He hates this, he really does. 

 

That's when Peter notices him and waves with a grin, taking a few excited steps forwards.

 

To take him. Outside . 

 

Bucky takes a panicked step back, anxious energy rolling off of him in waves, and Peter stops with a worried frown, looking behind him as if he thinks Bucky spotted something dangerous. Bucky doesn’t know why his body is making such a big deal out of this, why its making his heart beat so fast in his chest that he’s dizzy with it, so fast that he thinks if Shuri looks at what the fucking gloves are monitoring she’ll think he’s having a heart attack. She’ll definitely turn the tracker back on, now. The thought almost makes Bucky laugh. He doesn’t, squeezing his eyes shut instead.

 

‘’You okay there?’’ He hears Stark’s voice, and it almost sounds like he’s far away but he can’t open them to look at him, can’t even answer. His lungs hurt, and he can’t breathe. He can’t, He cant-

 

He can’t breathe.

 

Fuck no, not this, not now.

 

He wants to be able to go outside. That’s it. He hasn’t been allowed to want anything for so long. He hasn’t allowed himself to want anything for so long. And now that he does, his body wont even let him take the step, won’t even let him breathe for fuck’s sake. He just wants to go outside. Why is it so hard? He’s playing the fucking game right. He’s trying. But it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

 

It’s hitting him now, how unfair it all is. 

 

‘’I’m gonna go get Cap’’ Clint says on the other side of him but Bucky raises an arm to stop him when he feels him move away, eyes snapping open.

 

‘’No’’ He breathes out, finally releasing the air from his lungs, unable to meet their eyes even now that his own are open. ‘’Please, not- I cant- He- No.’’ Bucky tries to breathe in again but it's shallow, and now he’s breathing too fast and he knows he’s having another one of those attacks Tony talked to him about when he broke the mirror.

 

Fuck.

 

Bucky is so ashamed. 

 

‘’No?’’ Clint asks unsure but he stops moving. ‘’I thought-’’

 

‘’Not him.’’ Bucky says and his words don’t come out half as clear as they should. His mind is fuzzing and panicking, but he knows one thing. ‘’I don't’...want him to… see me’’ 

 

He frowns at himself, frustrated by his inability to speak, but this’ll do. Clint nods but stands there, obviously clueless about how he can help. Bucky doesn't even know himself, he just knows he has to get it under control.

 

Slipping away seems awfully tempting right now. 

 

‘’Alright Barnes,’’ Tony says, stepping in front of him but not close enough that Bucky feels crowded. ‘’Eyes on me’’

 

Bucky ignores the shame in his gut and raises his eyes to lock them on Stark’s, following orders. At least that, he’s good at.

 

‘’Great’’ Tony says. ‘’Bruce gave you one of those breathing exercise sheet, right?’’ Bucky doesn’t answer but Tony continues anyway, speaking slowly and clearly like he wants to make sure Bucky is hearing him, but not loud enough to alarm the rest of the people in the room. ‘’I’m gonna do one, and you just have to follow my lead, okay? We gotta get that breathing under control, else you’ll swoon like one of those ladies you used to dance with. Still following me, Barnes?’’

 

Bucky nods, teeth gritting. He feels like a baby. He killed this guy’s parents and now he’s helping him breathe because Bucky can’t even think about going outside without losing his shit­. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn't deserve any of it. He should just take the hint from his body and stop breathing for good.

 

‘’Hey, hey, eyes on me I said.’’ Tony says and Bucky hadn’t even realized he closed them again. Tony lowers his voice this time when he speaks again. ‘’Whatever that nagging little voice is saying up there isn’t important right now, Barnes. Don’t listen to it. I’m not gonna tell you to think good thoughts, but just- don’t listen to it. Can you try that?’’

 

Bucky nods again and Tony nods too. 

 

‘’I’m not gonna touch you right now, but can you remove your hand from our lovely Barton’s arm now and put it on my shoulder instead? It might help with the breathing stuff and he’s not gonna run to go get Cap. Right Clint?’’

 

Bucky frowns and looks down at his arm, and yes he is still indeed holding onto Clint probably tight enough to bruise, but the other man doesn’t seem bothered, only worried. He doesn't even step away when Bucky abruptly lets go. 

 

‘’I won't’’ He says and Bucky has a hard time shutting the voice out this time when it reminds him he doesnt deserve this. A lot harder time. 

 

Yet he still lets another shaky breath out and direct his arm to Tony’s shoulder as he’s asked. Trying. Right.

 

His breathing is already slightly less erratic by now, mind focused on listening to what's being said to him, but it still takes him a few minutes to match Tony’s steady breathing. By the time he’s fully back to himself, embarrassment has already settled deep within his guts, leaving a sour taste on his tongue. 

 

He lets his arm drop. 

 

‘’Better?’’ Tony asks

 

‘’Yeah’’ Bucky says, clearing his throat and looking away. ‘’...Thank you’’

 

‘’Don’t worry about it’’ Stark shrugs, immediately putting his sunglasses back on and Bucky is about to turn around and walk back upstairs when someone talks from behind Tony.

 

‘’I’m sorry’’

 

Peter’s voice is small, and awkward and so guilty Bucky wonders what the boy could have possibly done before he realizes Peter is apologizing to him.

 

Tony steps aside and turns towards the kid as well, looking just as confused as Bucky.

 

“I didn’t mean to trigger you. I- Did I- I’m not sure what I’ve done but I’m sorry.” He continues

 

“No.” Bucky says, shaking his head. “Don’t apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, kid.”

 

‘’It’s just… it already happened twice, so…’’

 

‘’Twice?’’ Tony asks, eyebrow raised.

 

Bucky looks at the kid, confused, trying to remember what he means. 

 

‘’The first day, in Steve’s apartment’’ Peter reminds him. 

 

‘’That wasnt about you either’’ Bucky says. ‘’I was feeling crowded. These have been happening a lot since I moved. I swear kiddo you did nothing wrong I’m just’’ weak ‘’...fucked up’’

 

‘’No you’re not!’’ Peter says at the same time Clint says ‘’Aren’t we all, man’’ and they stand there staring at each other for a very long second before Stark snorts and ruins it.

 

‘’You feeling crowded right now?’’ Peter asks, turning his attention back to Bucky. ‘’Is that why it happened?’’

 

‘’No.’’ Bucky shakes his head, uneasy. He doesn’t feel comfortable exposing his weaknesses like this but Peter’s puppy eyes are very hard to resist and he doesnt know what else he’s supposed to do. ‘’I just haven’t been outside in public in a long time.’’

 

‘’And that makes you nervous?’’

 

It’s Bucky’s turn to snort now

 

‘’Thats one way to put it.’’

 

‘’So its not because I webbed you down at the airport?’’

 

Stark barks out a laugh at that and Bucky shoots him an unimpressed stare before directing the same glare at Peter.

 

‘’You thought I was scared of you?’’

 

Peter shrugs and Stark’s now stifled laughs becomes a little wheezy.

 

‘’I won’’

 

‘’You had the element of surprise!’’

 

‘’Are you saying you thought Bucky had a panic attack because he was butthurt about you winning the last time?’’ Clint asks, eyebrow raised and Tony’s shoulder are shaking now.

 

‘’You should all go fuck yourselves.’’ Bucky grumbles.

 

‘’Hey, language’’ Steve says and Bucky eyes spots him immediately, a few feet away from them, still walking in their direction.

 

‘’It’s like he has a detector’’ Tony says. ‘’I swear he can sense it’’ 

 

‘’We’ll have to test this.’’ Clint says, nodding.

 

‘’You ready?’’ Steve asks, ignoring them. ‘’You weren’t with the others.’’

 

‘’We’re coming’’ Peter says and just as Bucky is about to say he’s just gonna come next time instead, the kid takes his metal hand in his, like its nothing, and tugs, finger intertwined.

 

Bucky looks down at it a bit in shock, then back up at Peter. Nobody touches his metal hand, ever. Even Steve. It’s like they’re scared of it. And Peter just grabbed it. Just like that. 

 

Grabbed The Winter Soldier’s hand and just tugged at it. 

 

‘’I stopped it, in the airport.’’ Peter says softly as everyone else start to walk away. ‘’I could do it again. If you’re scared you’re gonna…I can hold it, and if you go all bad guy on us we’ll already have that part figured out, right?’’ 

 

And Bucky doesnt know if thats all right, because Peter is fifteen and his hand feel very small and fragile between Bucky’s hand and he’s scared, scared because he hasn’t held something without hurting it in a long, long time. Scared because Peter barely knows him and yet he has all that faith in him and Bucky doesnt understand it. 

 

But the kid’s heart is young, and it’s pure, and surely if it believes then Bucky should too.

 

He starts walking.

Chapter 11

Notes:

Alright guys so I wrote on three different devices, hence the three different “” (I’m a mess and literally doesn’t understand how to do it properly except on my phone and I cba to figure it out)

GOING ON VACATION NEXT WEEK SO NEXT CHAPTER MIGHT TAKE A LITTLE LONGER IM SORRYYYYY
Hope you like it
Also I’m posting from my phone so hopefully it doesnt fuck it up lmao

The outside is really not all it’s made to be.

 

It should be overwhelming. Bucky keeps waiting for it to happen, for him to feel like those people walking, speaking on the phone or smoking are too much, for the paranoia to kick in. But it doesn't, at least not yet. He doesn’t LIKE it but he also doesn't think anyone else does, especially since he just heard Wanda curse silently in Sokovian after a man stepped on her foot and just kept walking, didn't even stop to apologize. 

 

Bucky wrinkles his nose and looks around, scowling. Ever since he started to remember, New York has evoked something in him. He’d hear it and something would tug inside of him, it felt like where he’d belong. Home.

 

Well, turns out home is loud. And that it smells weird.

 

Not that New York used to smell good, mind you, Bucky does remember that. It just never used to smell so fake. He wonders if every city smells like this now, if they all reek like gasoline, rubber and reheated plastic. He squints, trying to remember how it smelled in Moscow or Paris, but The Winter Soldier didn't care about those things, and even as he pushes deeper nothing comes up. Maybe just an inkling of smokepowder. He gets a bit dizzy.

 

Peter squeezes his hand again.

 

‘’Alright everyone listen up!’’ Pepper shouts at the group. ‘’I’m gonna say the cars in order from one to three, three being farthest from me and one being right here.’’ 

 

Peter snorts. When Bucky turns a wondering look his way, he leans forwards and whispers

 

‘’She sounds exactly like my teacher. I’m getting school field trips flashbacks’’

 

‘’Peter! I’m talking’’ She says, snapping her finger

 

‘’Sorry ma'am’’ The kid apologizes, straightening up and Pepper rolls her eyes fondly

 

‘’Alright, so as I was saying,’’ she starts. ‘’Car 1 will be me, Tony, Peter, Loki and Natasha. Car 2 is Ned, Sam, Scott, Steve, Thor and James. Car 3 is Michelle, Rhodey, Bruce, Wanda, Vision and Clint. We tried our best to spread it evenly. You have any complaints; dont. I’m not changing it again, this is final’’

 

‘’Aw man, we’re not even in the same car’’ Peter says and Bucky’s lips curl up against his will. That’s just adorable. It feels like he’s talking to a human puppy.

 

‘’There, there’’ Steve says, coming up behind them to ruffle the boy’s hair. ‘’Don’t be dramatic. You’ll get plenty of time with Buck at the restaurant.’’

 

‘’You say that cause you’re the one who got to choose where everyone sits.’’ Peter points out. ‘’And you got him in your car.’’

 

‘’Jealous? You do it next time, then’’ Steve says before poking the kid in the ribs, making him squirm away quickly and almost throwing Bucky off balance because the kid still hasn’t let go of his arm.

‘’Steveeee’’ Peter whines but he’s failing terribly at hiding his grin 

 

‘’Alright guys, everyone in the cars!’’ Tony shouts and everyone starts going towards the car they’ve been assigned to. Peter lets go of him with a last reassuring smile and then he heads off his merry way. 

 

The car is a big SUV, with one place beside the driver, three spots in the complete back and two spots in the middle. Bucky settles for the far left middle seat, since it would be closest to a door in case of emergency and he still has a clear view out of the front window if he needs to shoot. He doesn't have a gun (because he’s not allowed to), but he’s sure it wouldn't be a problem to find one in this car. 

 

Steve sits on the other middle seat and Sam ‘shotguns’ the front seat, whatever that means. It mustn’t be good because both Ned and Scott get very whiny about it, piling in the back and Thor is just about to climb in the last seat before his brother steps in front of him.

 

‘’We’re switching. Go in the other car.’’

 

‘’Why?’’ Thor asks, scowling 

 

Loki only glares at him in answer and they have a sort of staring contest which gets very awkward very quickly for everyone else before Thor finally groans and throws his arms up.

 

‘’Fine, do as you wish. If Miss.Potts get mad, I’ll blame you.’’

 

Loki doesn't seem bothered in the slightest way, getting in the car and closing the door in his brother’s face as soon as he proclaims his victory. There's a silence for a few seconds, Steve very visibly tensing on the seat beside him, almost like a spring, and Bucky might even do something about it but then Ned turns his head slightly to look at the new arrival.

 

‘’This isn't a plan to like, take over the world and make us all kneel again, right?’’

 

‘’I apologized for that’’ Loki says, staring forward

 

‘’When??’’ Scott asks and Loki frowns, thinking.

 

‘’Huh. Guess I didn’t.’’

 

There's a few more seconds of silence, the driver turning the car on and starting to lead them away. Bucky wipes the palm of his hands on his jeans. He wished he knew the itinerary so he could have memorized it, made sure that this guy was going the right way and not taking them to… No. No. Let’s not think about that. 

 

‘’I think that's the part where you say that you’re sorry’’ Steve says and Loki huffs 

 

‘’Fine. I am sorry that you took it personally when I tried to take over Misgard.’’

 

‘’Dude, that's not an apology. You’re starting to make me nervous here.’’ Sam says in the front.

 

‘’...I won’t do it again?’’ 

 

‘’Are you asking us or telling us?’’ Bucky asks, slightly rotating to look at Loki, eyebrow raised

 

‘’Is it too late to switch back cars?’’ Loki asks the driver but the guy doesn't even bother answering, obviously not paying any attention to them. Usually Bucky would find this very suspicious but there's something about the guy’s posture that says he simply cannot be asked to care. Ah. He’s used to driving the Avengers, then.

 

‘’Why did you switch car anyways?’’ Scott asks and Loki doesn't answer either, only sighs deeply like just entertaining this conversation is a pain for him.

 

‘’Next time, I’m walking.’’ Loki says simply, staring forward into the seat of the car, very obviously talking to himself. ‘’What am I even saying, next time? This is the last time I let Thor talk me into anything.’’ he mumbles.

 

Bucky smirks at this and then tunes out the soft conversations that start within the other people in the car, a song playing faintly on the radio. He looks outside, squinting at the civilians. Both the other cars are still within sight, and nobody is paying them too much mind. He can’t see any sniper on top of the buildings either. Slowly but surely, his heartbeat becomes more regular again, but he can still feel Steve tense as a bowstring beside him, and he is unable to fully relax. 

 

He turns towards his friend, making sure nobody else is paying them any attention, and then he flicks him on the arm.

 

‘’Ow! What was that for?’’

 

‘’You okay?’’ Bucky asks softly

 

Steve’s eyes flicker to Loki and then back on him.

 

‘’Yes’’ He says, swallowing.

 

Bucky frowns. He knew Steve and Loki fought before, but he didn't know Steve still felt nervous around the guy. It must’ve been a pretty awful fight.

 

Steve is looking at him, probably knowing that Bucky is trying to get a read on him and letting him, setting his shoulder back and meeting his gaze with a vulnerability that makes Bucky shiver. He’s suddenly overpowered with the need to protect Steve, to make him feel better.

 

He lets his hand cross the distance between them and grabs Steve, squeezing it gently for a few seconds, hoping that it’ll work as well for Steve as it did for himself. It’s sudden, the way the anxiety melts off his friend’s body as soon as their hands meet, like all he needed was a bit of human warmth. It makes Bucky glad he used his right hand. Steve gives him a weak smile and squeezes back, rubbing his thumb delicately on Bucky’s knuckle and oh , oh no, this is different from earlier, definitely definitely different.  Bucky’s heart comes all the way up to his throat and he has to take his hand back and put it on his lap to wipe his palm again .

 

Steve opens his mouth to speak but then Loki clears his throat, calling attention back to himself and Bucky has never felt so relieved.

 

‘’So’’ He starts speaking very carefully. ‘’What exactly is a brunch?’’

 

‘’Jesus’’ Sam groans in the front seat.

– –

It doesn’t take too long for them to reach the restaurant, and Bucky doesn’t know if he wants to jump out of the little steel box or lock the doors and start a life in there instead. But hey, they’re here already. AND he’s hungry . Might as well. 

 

He steps out of the car very carefully, eyes darting around to make sure he doesn't miss something important, but the restaurant seems as ordinary as ever, Bucky would even say surprisingly ordinary for Stark’s usual taste. 

 

‘’We got our own reserved room in there.’’ Peter says, popping beside him, but Bucky heard him coming, so he doesn't startle this time. ‘’If you wanna sit beside Steve you have to pick a chair facing the left side of the room, where they hang the painting. Steve’s obsessed with that painting, but he refuses for Tony to buy it or reproduce it for his own apartment cause he says he’s afraid to ‘ruin it’. I think that's pretty stupid to assume you’re gonna fail before even trying but Steve doesn’t listen to me.’’ The kid rambles so fast he has trouble keeping up. ‘’Doesn’t listen to anyone, really. Well, maybe you, but that’s it.’’

 

‘’What makes you think I wanna sit beside Steve?’’ Bucky asks, interrupting him before he can start to go on again.

 

Peter sends him an unimpressed look that’s so strikingly similar to Stark’s that Bucky wonders if they might actually be related for a second before Peter’s smile comes back to his face and well, that's all Steve’s, down to the dimple. 

 

Bucky looks at him more carefully as they walk in, now noticing the way he walks like Clint, the way he talks with his hands like Bruce does. When Peter notices Bucky staring, he sends him a sideway glance that he could only have gotten from Natasha.

It hits Bucky how young that kid is to be here, to be a superhero. How long has this pressure been on his shoulder? How much of his childhood did he have to give up? How many parties did he miss to save the world? He was raised by the Avengers, protected and loved, Bucky is sure, but at what cost?

 

``We should go to Coney Island`` Bucky blurts out as they’re being led deeper into the restaurant and it gets him a few surprised looks, but who cares cause he defintely wasn't talking to them.

 

``Like… right now?``Peter asks and Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

``No, not right now. I mean, someday. If you want. I used to drag Steve over there when we were teenagers.`` He tries to justify, suddenly feeling a bit silly. ``If that’s something you’d like.``

 

``Oh my God dude we should totally go to Coney Island.’’ Ned chirps in excitedly

 

``If one of you throws up on me I’m lighting you on fire`` MJ says

 

Bucky is confused for a second before he realizes what he just got himself into. He looks around himself for help but they’re reaching the room now, and nobody is paying the kids crowding around Bucky any particular attention, all either already in the room or focused on their own conversation. 

 

``What’s a Coney Island?`` Wanda asks and Bucky can’t help but make a distressed noise. 

 

Steve looks at him , alarmed.

 

``Coney Island’s an attraction park.`` Peter says. ``I never went. May wanted to take me but we’re both pretty busy so we haven’t figured it out yet.``

 

``Coney Island?`` Steve asks, coming to his rescue. ``Who’s going to Coney Island?``

 

``Can everyone please stop saying Coney Island? It doesn't even sound like a real word anymore`` MJ groans 

 

``Pete, MJ, Wanda and I`` Ned says, answering Steve’s question and ignoring MJ completely. ``Bucky’s taking us``

 

``He is?`` Steve asks, sending Bucky a questioning look

 

Bucky shrugs, resigned, and Steve shakes his head with a fond smile.

 

They all start moving again after that, Bucky being pulled to the right side of the room by Steve just as Peter had predicted. The wall they’re facing is indeed covered by a beautiful painting, somewhat abstract. Bucky thinks it's meant to be a place, but it's full of swirls and soft earthy colors mixing together and making every edge a blur to the point where it’s almost like the scenery is changing before their very eyes. He understands why Steve likes it, but he might ask anyway just to hear him say a bunch of complicated words and see his eyes light up the way they only do when he talks about the things he loves.

 

He’s about to do just that when Steve leans forward and whispers to him.

 

``How did you get yourself into a field trip?``

 

``Kids should get to do kids stuff`` Bucky says and Steve cocks an eyebrow. ``...you’ll come with us, right?``

 

``Do you want me to?``

 

``I’d rather go drown myself in the Potomac than to go by myself`` Bucky offers and Steve snorts

 

``Alright, don’t do that . I’ll come. Haven’t been since I was small``

 

``You hated it``

 

``I didn’t hate it! I just got dizzy easily. And I had a weak stomach. AND I’d always end up catching something.``

 

``You hated it`` Bucky insists, a little lopsided smile on his lips. ``I remember having to physically drag you, and I mean fully holding onto your wrist and dragging you into the park``

 

``You do?`` Steve asks and even Bucky is a little surprised.

 

``Guess so.`` He says. ``Sometimes it comes back to me when I sleep. Or I guess I just know some things. It’s not always a flashback``

 

Steve nods 

 

``That’s nice. You did drag me but it was just once, the first time. I wasn’t so difficult after that``

 

``You’d think I’d have to drag you even harder after you threw up your whole lunch in the 

Cyclone``

 

``I liked the Ferris Wheel`` Steve says, fiddling with the corner of the menu in front of him almost nervously.

 

``Me too, I think`` Bucky says. 

 

He can almost see the view, hear the faint sound of people cheering on other rides and feel the breeze carding through his hair. The weight of Steve pressing on his side even though they could both fit easily in the cars. His own arm, draped lazily across his friend’s shoulder to keep him steady. Steve’s artist hand holding onto a bag of half-eaten cotton candy, his lips stained with the color of it. He remembers wondering what it would taste like. He also remembers turning away to look at the view instead. Taking his arm away before the people in the line could see. 

 

His throat feels tight now so he shakes the thoughts away from his head and scowls at the menu instead, trying to find waffles.  

 

The rest of the meal goes rather fine. The food is good, as Peter said it would be, and he’s not expected to participate too much in conversations, which he always appreciates. He does try to join in a few times, but he’s distracted by the fact Steve’s eyes are fixated on him, almost obsessively following every movement. At some point, Bucky almost snaps at him and tell him he’s not about to fucking get up and sprint away, but he’s the one who asked Steve to keep an eye on him so he bites his tongue, keeping his own eyes on his plate. He’s certainly not about to give Steve the satisfaction to look back.

 

Except he wouldn't be Bucky Barnes if he didnt look.

 

He makes sure the look he does send is just mean enough for Steve to get the message, except Steve doesn't get the message, and frowns worriedly.

 

“What?” He asks, clearly confused, and Bucky sighs deeply.

 

Dear God.

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Stop what?”

 

“You’re allowed to look away for a few seconds. I’m not gonna disappear into thin air.”

 

“Right” Steve says, but he doesn't look away. “Right”

 

Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“Is it cause you're scared I’m gonna leave then?” He asks

 

“No” Steve says confidently but it catches a bit at the end, as if the question makes him suddenly doubts his answer. “Not that- I mean if you wanted to leave-”

 

“I don’t.” Bucky sighs again. “And I wont. Relax, Steve”

 

“I’m relaxed”

 

Bucky snorts, looking at his friend’s tense shoulders, but he doesn't point it out. 

 

“Okay” he says, turning towards everyone else again.

 

Steve doesnt look away. Bucky closes his eyes, resigned before trying again 

 

“You can look away now” 

 

“I know I can . I’d just rather not”

 

Bucky cocks an eyebrow but doesn't comment, pointing to Steve’s shirt instead.

 

“Got food all over your shirt”

 

“No I don’t.” Steve says, looking down and Bucky grins victoriously.

 

“I win” 

 

“You win?” Steve asks, looking back up from his very clean shirt 

 

“Made you look away”

 

Steve chuckles and shakes his head at that but he does relax a bit more, only looking at Bucky a somewhat creepy amount, which is at least a minor improvement.

 

Bucky can’t help but feeling a bit proud after the meal when the waitress smiles and bats her eyes at him, bidding them goodbye when they’re about to exit. He realizes he hasnt had any breakdown since they’ve been out, that the probably thinks he’s just a normal guy. She’s not scared of him. Maybe she should be, but Bucky doesn’t want to think about that right now. He smiles back, trying to slip back into what he knows he once was. A ladies man, Steve had said. He winks. 

 

‘’Buck. Let’s go.’’ Steve says, pulling him away by the arm seconds later and Bucky swears he’s gonna kill him but then someone outside calls his name and he goes cold all over.

 

‘’Bucky? Bucky Barnes?’’

 

Time stops for a second. Steve stops pulling on him, straightening up and placing himself in front of Bucky in a protective way, waiting for the blow to come. 

 

But Hydra would never call him Bucky. No, this is different. It has to be.

 

“I’m so sorry to bother you, Mister, I mean, Mister Captain America?” The voice calls again. “I’m just, is that Bucky Barnes behind you? The Bucky?”

 

Neither of them answers, Bucky pushing Steve sideways now that he is back to himself, refusing to use him as a body shield. Steve raise an arm to stop Bucky from walking further, forcing him to stay by his side.

 

“What do you want from him?” Bucky growls and the guy’s eyes widen a bit.

 

He must be at least in his forties, head balding and heavy glasses on his nose. At first glance, Bucky doesn't think he has any weapons on him.

 

Not that he would need any if he knew the words.

 

“Nothing! Its just… Oh this is embarrassing. You know I had hoped, when they found Captain America that they would’ve found you as well. It would make sense, you know, that you’d be in the ship with him. But they stuck with the train story and I thought, oh well. But now you’re here and its… wow. I’m sorry, I’m just a huge fan. I have a Bucky Bear at home. I would take it everywhere with me as a kid, it was ridiculous. I wanted to be just like you. Oh God, sorry, I’m rambling”

 

Wait.

No way.

Bucky turns to Steve and his friend seems to be in the same predicament as him, staring at the men with a confused expression.

 

“…A Bucky Bear? Where did you even find that? They were making those back in the 40’s, and you’re definitely not 80” Bucky asks carefully and the guy looks at him like he might be slow

 

“Uh… they’re still making them? I mean I have my old one I got in the 70’s but I got one for my daughter when she was a kid too.”

 

Bucky’s breath shortens. Bucky Bear. The boys used to tease him so much about that and Bucky would roll his eyes or flip them the bird, but he secretly liked the damn thing. They were selling him a teddy bear. To protect the children when they sleep, because he was Captain America’s protector, and if everyone had a Bucky then everyone would be safe. It made him smile to think that all the little Steve’s would have something to hold onto, a bit of hope that someone out there would protect them.

 

But Bucky Barnes was no longer a teddy bear. He was a killer, The Winter Soldier, a ghost story you don't even tell the children to make them listen, just in case it might haunt their nightmares. He shouldn’t have anything in his honor.

 

“I can’t believe it's really you.” The guy starts talking again. “I should’ve seen it coming, tho. It’d take more than a bad fall to keep Bucky Barnes away from Captain America for too long”

 

A bad fall.

 

Understatement of the century.

 

But Steve smiles beside him, wraps his goddamn arm around Bucky’s shoulder and squeezes.

 

“And it takes more than a bad fall to keep Steve Rogers from Bucky Barnes, too” he says. Bucky doesn't miss the way he uses his real name.

 

The guy opens his mouth to speak again but a very disinterested teenagers appears by his side.

 

“Dad, you coming or what?”

 

“Oh my God, Becca, you have to meet this guy, its…” but Bucky doesn’t get to hear the rest of the sentence, the man’s voice merging almost instantly into one thats young, and too familiar 

 

His own

 

“Oh my God, Becca, you have to meet this guy”

 

“Who?” His twin asks, raising an unsure eyebrow towards him.

 

“Name’s Steve.” He says, plopping down on the couch beside her. “He’s amazing.” 

 

“You’re bleeding” his sister points out, raising her finger and pressing on his bleeding lip, making him hiss and push her away

 

“ I know , Becca. Get off me!”

 

“You got into a fight?” She asks, eyes drifting back to her comics. “With this Steve guy?”

 

“No, you idiot. I fought beside him. Because the stupid ass pushed a gigantic 8th grader away from a girl in our class cause he was stealing her lunch.”

 

“Why’d you help?” His sister ask, interest rising again.

 

“Because the dumb punk is the smallest guy I ever saw. I swear Becca, he’s like so tiny that the guy would’ve cracked him like a stick.”

 

“How old is he?”

 

“Just one year younger than me”

 

“So, a tiny 7 years old attacked a giant 13 years old and you wanted to be a hero, basically?”

 

“You’re so boring Becca. You don't get anything.”

 

“Because I don't have a death wish?”

 

“Because you never take any risks. Maybe you should try it for once”

 

“And maybe you should try to make friends with IQ higher than a rock for once”

 

“Steve is smart! I’m telling you Bec! I think you’re gonna love him. He’s just like you, he reads tons of comics and he draws too, look!”

 

James holds out his hand, where Steve drew little flowers between his bleeding knuckles, because he felt bad. He knew that he’d have to clean his hands before his father could see it, but he couldn't stop staring at the way the leaves intertwined with each other on top of his hands, of the way that they almost looked real. even drawn with a cheap pen.

 

“He did this?” Becca asks, letting her finger trail on the drawing and James almost snaps it away, scared she might blur the lines. He grits his teeth instead

 

“Yes. Said I didn't have to help, and that he owed me. I said I don't need nothin’ so he made this for me”

 

Becca hums, taking her fingers away and James almost sighs with relief.

 

“Maybe he’s nice. Now go wash your face and let me read or I’ll tell Ma you got into a fight.”

 

“You wouldn't!” James says

 

“MAAAAA” his sister starts to shout and he skitters away from the room before she actually attracts their mother’s attention. 

 

Just as he’s about to go upstairs, he hears a knock on the door. It sounds big and small all the same, and James smiles, sprinting towards the door before anyone else can get there.

 

“Hello Steve” he says, before the door is even done opening

 

“Hello” the kid answers back, smiling with his matching split lip

 

“Need anythin’?”

 

“Yeah actually. I left and then I realized I forgot to ask your name”

 

James snorts but helds out a hand, properly introducing himself in the way his dad has taught his, puffing his chest and pushing his hair away from his face.

 

“James Buchanan Barnes, sir. At your service, sir”

 

Steve laughs and holds out his hand in turn.

 

“Steven Grant Rogers.” He says, shaking his hand. It's the one with the drawings on it. James is glad he didn't have time to wash it yet. “James is too boring for you, though. I think I’ll call you Bucky.”

 

“Bucky?” James asks, coking his head

 

“For Buchanan.”

 

Bucky winces

 

“My twin sister’s name is Rebecca but everyone calls her Becca. Its almost the same”

 

“Thats even better” Steve grins playfully and James thinkers on it

 

“Bucky…” he tries it. It sounds better when Steve says it. “Whatever” he shrugs. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't want to make the tiny guy upset. He can deal with a nickname

 

“Wanna play war together later? My dad was in the army and my Ma let me borrow his army cap sometimes.”

 

“Okay. You come after dinner to show me where you live?”

 

“Okay” Steve nods and then he’s on his way again and Bucky doesn't holds back the smile thats illuminates his whole face as he closes the door

 

When he hides in the bathroom to clean the blood away from his injuries, he waits until the very end to wipe the flowers off.

 

“Is he okay??” The men asks, still a few feet away from him, Bucky thinks, but he can’t tell because Steve is holding onto his shoulder, facing him. 

 

Bucky feels more steady almost immediately, locking his eyes with Steve’s

 

“Becca?” Steve whispers and Bucky simply nods.

 

He remembered his sister, a while ago, in Wakanda.

 

He didn’t need anyone to confirm she was dead. He knew, deep down. There was a hole within him that he had been feeling for a long time. He’d woken up one day, still as The Winter Soldier and he’d felt it. For a few mission, The asset was persuaded they had taken something out of it, one of his organs maybe. It hurt a lot. But it faded eventually, and he could still function. He never said anything.

 

Not until that day when he heard a kid laugh and he saw flashes of his whole childhood playing in front of him. Flashes of his own face onto someone else’s, someone with long brown hair and so much sass Bucky wondered how there was any left in the world for the rest of them. Someone with an eye roll you could hear from miles away, but who gave hugs that mended everything wrong inside of you. Someone he loved. The better part of him.

 

His sister.

 

He didn't cry. Or eat. Or sleep. Not for days. He simply stared at the wall of his hut, ignoring everyone. He wanted to remember his sister’s voice.

 

But it was lost.

 

When he realized that, he got up from his hut and walked straight into the forest, found a steady tree and hit. He hit with his human hand until it was blood and bones and he hit again, screaming. Nobody could pull him away and Tchalla wasnt there.

 

They’d call Steve that day. When he got there, Bucky was still hitting, but barey. He didnt have the strength. Everything hurt. His throat was raw. 

 

Steve only had to put a hand on his shoulder for him to fall to his knees, for his screams to become his sister’s name.  Steve held him. He told him things about his sister, little stuff, like the way she’d bite her thumb when she was thinking or the way she always doodled little hearts on everything, even inside their comic books and how it used to make Bucky so pissed.

 

He described her laugh.

 

Bucky fell asleep with his head on Steve’s lap that day. When he woke up again, they were still there. Steve was sleeping, too hand in Bucky’s hair. His own injured hand was wrapped in bandages, precise work, probably Shuri’s. Someone had drawn a bunch of flowers on it. 

 

“Steve” Bucky says carefully and Steve nods, turning towards the men 

 

“Sorry sir, we have somewhere to be.” 

 

“Oh- alright. Thank you for you time” The guy thanks them, but Bucky can barely hear him with the way he’s running to the car.

 

“Everything alright?” Tony asks and Bucky nods, jaw tight, before climbing in

 

“We need to get to the Tower ASAP.” Steve says

 

“I’ll call another car.” Tony says, nodding and making a gesture to one of the drivers, who throws his keys at Steve without question.

 

“Thank you” Steve says but Bucky is already sitting in the car, head swimming.

 

Becca, Becca, Becca

 

He never saw her grow old. He wasn't there at her wedding. Steve had said she died giving birth. Bucky wasn't there to hold her hand. He wasn't there to tell her to be strong.

 

Wasn't there to let his mom hide her face in the crook of his neck while they buried his sister.

 

Winifred had lost both of her children. She died completely alone.

 

A sob makes its way to Bucky's throat and he holds it there, pressing into his eyes with the pad of his hands.

 

He doesn't know how fast Steve is going, but they get home in half the time it took earlier. Bucky is grateful. He jumps out of the car before it even stop completely and pushes people out of his way as he heads towards the elevators, a lump still in his throat from the sob he refuses to let out.

 

They still make Bucky Bears. Every version of him, cursed to be out of time. There, but not really. An illusion. A lie.

 

When someone walks into your home with a gun, Bucky Bear won't protect you.

 

When your second child dies on a hospital bed,  there's nothing Bucky Bear can do. 

 

He rams on the elevator button so hard it flickers a few times before turning on definitely.

 

Steve appears by his side before the door can close. He doesn't say anything, just follows him out and all the way to his apartment door and Bucky is about to close it to his face when Steve blocks it with his foot.

 

Bucky growls. Like a fucking animal, and he doesnt fucking care. He doesn't wanna do this. He cant.

 

“Buck”

 

“Get out.”

 

“I will. If that's what you want. I’ll leave you alone if that's what you need. But I dont think it is.”

 

Bucky stares at him. It doesn't matter what he wants. He doesn’t deserve to have someone by his side. Not when they were all alone.

 

He opens his mouth to say just that, but the only thing that comes out is the sob that he couldn’t hold back any longer. 

 

Steve closes the door behind him and Bucky wants to trash and scream and push him away but theres no fight left in him. Theres nothing. He lets Steve hold him while he cries.

 

It's quiet, the way he falls apart. He’s so tired of falling apart.

 

“They were alone, Steve” he whispers after a long, long time.

 

“That doesn't mean that you have to be. That's not what they would want”

 

“It doesn't matter what they want. They’re dead.”

 

Someone had taken Bucky Barnes away from the people he loved, broke him into a thousand pieces and dropped him back in badly glued together, now that he had nowhere to fit in anymore. Bucky wants to burn this world down, for all of its unfairness.

 

But now, Steve is making circles on his back with his fingers, and Bucky thinks that burning the world down can wait just a little longer. 

 

“But you’re not. You’re still here. And I’m here, too. After everything. Isn't that worth something?”

 

Alright, so maybe there is one place where he can still fit. Maybe he’s there right now, pressed against a tear soaked shirt.

 

Maybe he still has someone to watch over

Notes:

Just planning who was gonna go in what car took so long like i had a system and tried to make it as equal in strength as possible and it was so frustrating with my ADHD I wanted to die so I’M SORRY IT TOOK THAT LONG LMAO

I’m kinda proud of it tho so from now on I request to be called Captain America. Or I guess Captain Canada/Quebec would make more sense realistically but it's not nearly as cool.

Chapter 12

Notes:

Guess who’s back from vacationnnnnn

Literally couldn’t stop thinking about this damn fic the whole time, got a bunch of idea written down but FOR NOW, hope you enjoy this chapter!!

 

ALSO
TW FOR THIS CHAPTER:
Internalized homophobia

Bucky has two more weeks of peace.

 

Two weeks of making a new routine for himself, trying to fit in with The Avengers' already well established dynamic. Going on walks with Steve (at a reasonable hour), watching Tony work (“No, you cannot have a look at my arm. No, not even for a second”), playing hide and seek with Clint (it's not childish, it's practice), having staring contests with Natasha (she definitely blinked) and bickering with Wilson (There is no such thing as wizards).  It does feel a little forced sometimes, because he knows they are only tolerating him for Steve's sake, but he tries not to think about it too much and to get used to sharing his space with that many people. For Steve’s sake, too. God, this man does have a lot of people behind him.

 

Anyways, Bucky does it, and he thinks he’s good. For two weeks.

 

Two weeks of pretending he’s not going up to Steve's apartment nearly every night to sleep on his floor. Steve never stows his makeshift bed away anymore, not since the first few nights, and he always leaves his door unlocked. If he’s surprised when he finds Bucky there in the morning, he never says it. He doesn't wake up next to him again like the first time, back in Bucky’s apartment, so he assumes his nightmares must be at least a little better.

 

Two. Whole. Weeks. Of thinking he’s getting better.

 

And then Bruce sits him down, definitely uncomfortable, and Bucky knows that he’s been nominated as the Avengers spokesperson when he tells him that they’ve found a great therapist for him. How the team knows he’s making efforts but they just want what's best for him. A bunch of bullshit.

 

But Bucky grits his teeth because those things aren't taboo anymore, and it doesn't mean everyone thinks he’s crazy. And somewhere deep inside, he thinks it might help, too. Just to sort things out.

 

Only issue is…

 

“She sucks, Steve.”

 

“Oh come on Buck, you went to three sessions.”

 

“And it’s three too many!” Bucky shouts “She’s fucking passive aggressive. I walk into her office and I want to ram my head into a wall full force. Automatically. Every time. Like one of those Pavlov dogs experiment thingy”

 

“Well maybe she’s passive aggressive because you walk into the office with the energy of someone who wants to ram their head into a wall” Steve suggest and Bucky glares at him

 

“Whose side are you on?”

 

“Is there a side??”

 

“I don’t need this Steve. It’s not helping.” Bucky insists 

 

Steve sighs, sliding his hand down his face and letting it drop by his side. It's not the first time they have this conversation, but Bucky doesn't care how Steve feels about it. He’s not the one who has to speak to that woman.

 

“It’s not up to me, Bucky.” Steve repeats for the millionth time

 

“We both know that's a lie. If you told them that I’m- If you told your little friends that I’m fine then they’d let me stop”

 

“Well are you? Fine?” Steve asks. “Cause from here you don't look it”

 

Bucky scowls

 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

 

“Now don’t take this the wrong way-”

 

“Hell of a start there, Steven”

 

“-but, you clearly have PTSD.” Steve keeps going, not bothering to acknowledge his interruption. “You keep dissociating at random moments in the days. You forget to eat. You barely sleep, and when you do, you have nightmares. You can only go outside for about 15 minutes at a time.”

 

“I didn’t realize I was such a bother” Bucky snarks and Steve’s eyes squint in frustraton

 

“I didnt say that”

 

“I can be on a plane back to Wakanda in an hour” 

 

“Buck- seriously? That's not what I meant. I love having you here. We all do. I swear. We’re just worried, we want you to be comfortable. To have a good life”

 

“A good life?” Bucky asks incredulously. “You want me to have a good life?”

 

“Yes”

 

“I don't think so. Do you know what I think? I think you want your little friend back. That you thought once I remembered I’d be back to my old self and since it's not happening you think something’s wrong with me.”

 

“Buck, please listen to m-”

 

“Well I got new for you Stevie. He’s dead. He’s fucking dead, and he’s not coming back. You can send me to all the fucking therapists in the state, in the whole country if you want, that wont change. This is who I am now. Sorry to disappoint. ”

 

Steve’s mouth snaps shut, and there's pain in his eyes, so much that Bucky almost feels bad. He doesn't show it though, only bares his teeth and challenges Steve with his stare while silence fills the room.

 

A beat passes.

 

Then two.

 

Bucky starts to feel uncomfortable, Steve simply looking at him with a dumbfounded, miserable expression frozen on his face. He resists the urge to snap his finger in the other guy’s face to check for reaction. 

 

“Is that really what you think?” Steve asks after what feels like an eternity, and his voice is now soft and low. “You think that… What the hell, Buck? You think I don’t like who you are now?”

 

Oh.

 

Okay. Bucky’s taken aback for a second. He thought Steve would be mad at the dead friend part, but guess not. He should've known the dumbass would be worried about him instead. 

 

“I’m not him. He’s dead.” Bucky insists, trying to push his buttons again, to get Steve back to fight mode just so he has a reason to scream, to let a bit of that rage out of his body.

 

Steve’s breath hitches into his lungs with a painful sound, and for a second, Bucky’s eyes search around the room, looking for an inhaler before remembering Steve doesn't need it anymore. He’s not having an asthma attack, he’s just hurt. He’s hurt . Because of Bucky. 

 

There's the guilt.

 

“I know that. I know you’re not him. And I’m not who I used to be either. I’m not trying to turn you back into who you used to be, Buck. For fuck’s sake, I just want you to be happy.”

 

“Happy” Bucky says plainly, because that's nonsense. The fact he isn't locked in a padded room with a straitjacket and imaginary friends is already a miracle. Surely he isn’t also expected to be happy

 

“Yes, happy. Don't say it like it’s- How long have you been feeling this way? Like I wanted you to go back to who you were?” 

 

“I just assumed that was the plan from the start”

 

Steve looks completely defeated now, lips curling down and his whole body hunching over, and the fight leaves Bucky as quickly as it took him over. 

 

“Alright don’t do that, feels like I kicked a puppy” Bucky grumbles and Steve locks eyes with him

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just… you’re my friend, and I don't want you to feel like you need to be someone different than who you are when you’re around me. Okay?”

 

Bucky doesn't answer, only stares a bit more skeptically.

 

“ Okay?” Steve asks again, emphasizing the word

 

“Fine, then. It’s your funeral” Bucky says but something settles inside of him, and between them too. It’s not that easy, he has a hard time believing Steve will feel satisfied with this version of him for very long. But now, just for a second, the room feels lighter. 

 

Bucky lets the silence go on for a minute before he asks 

 

“What if this new me hates therapists?”

 

“Bucky…” Steve says with a warning tone but Bucky was mostly joking anyways, so he rolls his eyes

 

“Fine, fine, I’ll keep seeing goddamn Beelzebub.”

 

Steve grins, victorious. 

 

“Don’t make that face.” Bucky warns. “You’ll get a bitching session every time. You owe me it.”

 

The grin falters

 

“Every time?”

 

“Every. Time.” He reiterates and Steve groans, plopping down on a chair and letting his head bob on his crossed arms on top of it, forcing Bucky to hide a smirk behind his hand.

 

“You know, they forced me to see one too’’ Steve says after a while, inviting Bucky to join him with a hand gesture. 

 

“Did you get Lilith, too? How come you still have your soul? What's the secret?’’ Bucky asks, sitting down on the chair directly in diagonal of him.

 

Steve snorts and rolls his eyes.

 

“You’re such a drama queen.’’

 

“So it wasn't her’’

 

“What makes you think that?’’ Steve asks, eyebrow raised

 

“You wouldn't say that if it was her’’

 

Steve hums, apparently satisfied with this answer, before proving Bucky right.

 

“Mine brought me coffee. And donuts’’ Steve brags, head still down on his arms but angled towards Bucky just enough for him to see how bright his smile is.

 

“Fuck off’’ 

 

“There was a very fat orange cat that would sleep on my lap the whole session. Brian even had a stereo in the office and I could choose the music, to ‘set the mood’. It was great.’’

 

“Set the mood? Set the mood for what? Are you sure we’re talking about the same kind of therapist?’’

 

“You’re just jealous ‘cause your therapist doesn't wanna set the mood with you ’’

 

“I’m more jealous about the cat if I’m being honest.’’ Bucky sighs, and then he mirrors Steve’s position and lays his head on the table like the sisters used to have them do in silence at school when they were being too turbulent. “What happened to that guy?’’

 

“Let me off after two months. Almost pretended to have a breakdown just so I could keep going’’

 

“And you couldn’t find his number for me?’’ 

 

“He was way too soft.’’ Steve says with a smirk. “You’d have eaten him alive’’

 

Bucky smiles a shit eating grin.

 

“Only if he set the mood right’’ 

 

Steve laughs at that, truly laughs, and Bucky remembers again why it's his favorite sound in the world. It's like a song. Or a hug. Or both. It makes him completely forget that this day was horrid. 

 

It feels like standing in the sun. 

 

Bucky watches closely as Steve’s shoulder shakes, smile wide on his face and tiny little wrinkles forming in the corner of his eyes, the only proof he might actually be aging. Bucky doesn't bother hiding his gaze the way he used to back in the 40’s, taking Steve in instead like a sunbath, because he knows time is precious, he knows what it feels like to live without this, now. And he’s afraid he might be left in the dark again sooner than later.

 

It doesn't take long for Steve to notice Bucky is staring. For a moment, he becomes so red Bucky almost worries for him but then he’s just staring back, starry eyed, and Bucky doesn't know what the hell this is all about but he likes this moment. He could spend hours just looking at Steve.

 

Oh God. Maybe he does need to sleep more.

 

“Will you let me draw you?” Steve blurts out and Bucky frowns.

 

He’d seen Steve draw him at least a dozen time since he got here

 

“…I thought you already did?”

 

“No, I mean, yes I do, but I mean draw you-draw you. Like, the real thing. While you sit and pose for me”

 

“You want me to pose?” Bucky asks

 

“I haven't had someone pose for me in ages” Steve tries to justify himself. “And you used to love doing it”

 

“Well I used to be a self-obsessed asshole”

 

“More like self-aware. You were attractive and you knew it”

 

“ Were? Are you saying I’m not anymore?” Bucky says with fake hurt in his voice, making his eyes as big and sad as possible.

 

Steve looks horrified

 

“I didn't mean-”

 

Bucky snorts, unable to stay in character any longer

 

“I’m joking, punk.”

 

“Jerk”

 

“That’s no way to talk to your model.’’ Bucky calls him out

 

“You’ll do it then?’’ 

 

Bucky makes a one shoulder dismissive shrug, suddenly self conscious.

 

“I mean, I don’t mind. If you want me to.’’

 

“I do. I want to.’’

 

“Okay’’

 

“Okay’’ Steve repeats and a few seconds of uncomfortable silence ensue, which Bucky has no idea what to do about. 

 

“So, you wanna do it, like, now?’’

 

Steve looks behind Bucky, presumably at the digital clock on the oven.

 

“It’s almost 5, I don’t know, you hungry?.’’

 

“I could go get us something while you get ready. If that's like… is there anything you have to prepare or something?’’

 

“Not much really, but if we can wait, golden hour should be in about forty minutes. I’d love to get you in that light, even tho it wont last long enough for me to actually finish the drawing. If I could just see it, I’d probably be able to remember enough. And I could probably turn on a lamp to mimic it once the sun’s gone. I need to arrange a few things around. Where do you wanna pose? There's a corner of my apartment that would be perfect .’’ Steve starts to ramble, actually getting up with no warning and walking to said corner of the room. ‘’I could probably get a stool over here…or wait no, if we want a more open position I could get you one of those fancy Chesterfield chairs instead. Wait, could I get that? FRIDAY, could I get that?’’

 

“I believe Miss.Romanoff has one of those in her apartment. Would you like me to ask her if she’s willing to let you borrow it?’’

 

“Yes, please. No, you know what, I’ll just go instead. Thank you.’’

 

“My pleasure, Captain.’’

 

“If I put this way I could… Or maybe if he crosses his legs…I don’t want too much shadowing…’’ Steve starts mumbling to himself, looking at the corner and Bucky gets up and pokes him in the shoulder.

 

“Huh, Steve?’’

 

“What? Sorry. How quick can you change? Do you have any short sleeved T-shirts? Or you could borrow one of mine. You should borrow one of mine.’’ Steve keeps rumbling, now looking at him. “Can you cross your arms real quick? I have to check something.’’

 

“Steve’’ Bucky repeats, crossing his arm, then uncrossing when Steve gives him an approving nod. “Food?’’

 

“Food? Oh. Right. Sorry. I got into it. Sorry’’ Steve winces, apologizing again . 

 

“Do I look like I mind? I just want to makes myself useful while you do…whatever it is you’re doing’’

 

“Oh, alright. Thaï?’’ Steve asks

 

They’ve been trying every type of food fathomable that they could find around New York in the past couple of weeks, and so far thaï is definitely one of Bucky’s favorites. That and any food from a cheap dinner. 

 

Bucky nods in agreement

 

“Same as usual?’’

 

“Yeah, thank you’’ Steve says, leaning forward, and for one extremely confusing moment Bucky thinks he’s about to be kissed on the forehead, but then Steve furrows his brows and leans back again. “Where’s my sketchbook?’’ He asks and Bucky knows the question isn't directed at him, but mostly only because Steve is already heading outside the room.

 

Alright. That was weird. 

 

He starts heading downstairs, checking his pocket to make sure his wallet is there. Stark gave him one when he and Steve started going outside more regularly. It is filled with very believable fake ids (“just cause you’re pardoned doesn't mean we need the government to know what you’re up to all the time’’) and one credit card Stark was adamant he take, saying he can reimburse him once he has access to his back pay from the army (which is apparently a legal hell to get when you’re simultaneously a recovering mind controlled ex Russian spy that’s supposed to be dead).

 

Once he reaches the lobby, he stops, as he usually does, just to look outside a second. It still doesn't come easy, going outside alone. It’s probably paranoia, but he can only imagine the damage he could do if Hydra got their hands on him again.

 

All the way they could hurt Steve and the team with an in like that. A direct line to the Avengers HQ.

 

He shivers.

 

“Guess who’s there’’ Clint says, placing his hands on Bucky's eyes from behind him, startling him and almost being crushed by a punch, except he’s quick and almost feline, so he jumps back easily with a grin.

 

“Don’t do that’’ Bucky growls, looking down at his hands, unsure if he’s addressing his newly made friend or himself

 

 Clint whistles anyways

 

“Someone’s feisty.’’

 

“Shut up.’’

 

“You going out?’’ 

 

“Yeah’’ 

 

Clint waits, obviously waiting for Bucky to add to this, which he will not do, because today has been horrible and he’s feeling extra grumpy. 

 

“...Can I come?’’ Clint asks after a few more seconds of silence and Bucky sighs, eyes sliding back to the entrance of the building.

 

He doesn’t really want to socialize right now but being outside alone is worse than being outside with someone he has to entertain. And Satan reincarnate did say he needed to do more effort to ‘connect’ with people, whatever that means. As if Bucky haven’t been trying to do just that ever since he got here. Apparently he’s making a pretty terrible job. Fuck her.

 

Figures he can just hum here and there and let Clint do the talking. He could do worst, honestly, in terms of company.

 

“Fine’’ He answers and then he starts walking towards the exit, Clint falling into step behind him.

 

Bucky doesn’t know why Clint wants to come with him. From what he’s seen, the man rarely leaves the Tower if not to go to his own house every few days for about 24hours. He trains a lot, almost more than any other Avenger, and Bucky think its either because of a work obsession or an imposter syndrome.

 

Probably a bit of both, honestly.

 

Just as they are about to reach the door, Peter coming waltzing through.

 

“Hey! Bucky, Clint! You heard Thor is back?”

 

“Yeah” Clint answers

 

“He is?” Bucky asks at the same tims

 

“That's what Mr.Stark said!” Peter says, shaking his phone in Bucky’s face as if it meant anything. “I think Loki’s there too.”

 

“He is” Clint nods a bit curtly and Bucky takes a mental note to ask Steve what thats about

 

Or maybe he could ask Clint.

 

Connecting or whatever.

 

“How long are they staying?” Bucky asks, because he knows Steve gets a bit weird around Thor and sometimes spends a while just staring like he’s trying to solve a particularly difficult math problem 

 

I mean, Bucky himself is having a hard time getting used to the fact that literal Gods are visiting the earth, and understanding what that means about the God he… believes in? Used to believe in? 

 

It's all a bit blurry.

 

“Thor is staying a couple days,” Clint answers, and Bucky can hear the tension in his voice. “Loki usually stays a couple hours max, so, unless Thor asked him to stay the night or he has something to do here, he should be gone before midnight”

 

Bucky lift his head up towards the ceiling for a second, considering asking FRIDAY to relay the information to Steve but then he’s being pulled back towards the inside of the Tower by a freakishly strong 15 years old.

 

“Woah there, slow your rolls, where are you taking us?” Clint asks and Peter stops, frowning 

 

“Upstairs. To see Thor and Loki”

 

“Well, we were actually heading out , so…” 

 

“Why?”

 

“Getting diner” Bucky says and Clint nods, as if he knew that information as well

 

“Ah. Uh, well I guess I could…” Peter starts speaking, unsure, eyes sliding from Bucky to the elevators

 

“Just go see Thor, kid. He’s not gonna be here for long, and you have school tomorrow. We’ll see each other another time. We got Coney Island this Saturday, remember?” Bucky says, ruffling through the kid’s hair and pushing him towards the elevator. 

 

He knows Peter is about to agree simply by the fact he’s able to push him anywhere.

 

“But that's in three days”

 

“It’ll go by quickly if you keep busy”

 

“Fineeeee” Peter says. “Are you gonna come up after diner?”

 

“Can't” Clint and Bucky both answer simultaneously and both pretending it didn't just happen 

 

“…okayyyy” Peter says, eyes squinting suspiciously between the both of them while he backs up. ”Have a good… date? Then?”

 

“What?” Bucky asks, blinking at Peter, eyes going from him to Clint with a confused expression that his friend mirrors for a second before exploding with laughter. 

 

“No-itsnot-werenot” Clint tries to speak but he’s laughing so hard Bucky thinks he might break a rib.

 

“Lalalalala NO” Peter says, pressing his hands on his ears. “I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I ALREADY HAD THE BIRD AND BEES TALK WITH MR.STARK”

 

And then the kid is literally running to the elevator and Bucky still doesn’t understand what the fuck happened

 

“Well, this is gonna be a problem, later” Clint says, gesturing to the closing elevator door and Bucky looks at him

 

“Care to explain?”

 

“Peter thinks we are going to diner. Together . And then we both said we’d be busy after. Get what I’m putting down?”

 

Bucky breath hitch. Surely Peter wouldn’t just, say something like that in public. Even as a joke.

 

“But,” he whispers “we’re both men”

 

Clint blinks at him before sighing deeply

 

“I keep forgetting you’re from the 40’s. Let's just say it's not that big a deal anymore. Two men together”

 

It's not that big a deal???

 

It’s not that big a deal. 

 

After everything that Bucky did to hide it, all these years ago. Every woman he went out with, a lot of them, too many. Every guy he beat up for saying something about Steve, about him, about them living together.  

 

It’s not that big a deal.

 

Every time he knew something was wrong with him, when he looked at a guy in a bar too long, at a curve of a bicep, at some smirking lips. 

 

Every time he looked at Steve. 

 

Not that big a deal??

 

He beat it out of himself. He was good at hiding it, so good sometimes he fooled even himself. 

 

Except alone at night in his cold bed when all he could think about was Steve, Steve in the room next to him, Steve naked-

 

No.

 

Bucky feels like throwing up. 

 

“Are you okay, man?” Clint asks, lifting his hand to try and squeeze Bucky’s shoulder but he startles away

 

“Don’t touch me” he growls

 

“Oh shit. Is that a- man you’ve got to be kidding me. Are you homophobic?”

 

“I’m not homo anything Barton! Back the fuck up.”

 

“Homophobic means you hate gay people. Do you hate gay people, Barnes?” Clint asks and Bucky can feel his face get warm, he doesn't know if its because he’s ashamed or angry or confused or a mix, but he hates it. 

 

He only scowls in answer

 

Clint looks at him for a while, eyes squinting, trying to read him. He’s good at this, Bucky knows, and it probably would've worked on old him, but not anymore. He closes his face entirely, leaving it blank.

 

“Man this is going to be a pretty heartbreaking conversation to have with Steve” Barton says and Bucky chokes.

 

“Steve isnt-” he starts, immediately jumping into protective mode. He has had this conversation with guys before, a thousand time.

 

“Sure” Clint interrupts him. “Let's just go get diner for the completely straight guy whose apartment you sleep in and in which who you do whatever it is you do spending all day in there”

 

“He’s just gonna draw me”

 

“Right because that's so- Whatever. I’m not doing this today. Come on, what are you getting?”

 

“Uh, Thaï” Bucky says, and he feels a bit disoriented. 

 

Today is the worst day ever. Stubbed his toe getting ready to go see that stupid therapist and spend an hour hearing about how terrible he’s doing, had someone spill coffee on him while walking back from her office and had a fight with Steve. And now this. 

 

He knows this is technically good news. It means people like him get to exist now. In the outside world. 

 

But did he do all this for nothing? Was all the pain, all the sacrifices, for nothing at all?

 

And can it really be true anyways? Can people really just look at something so unnatural and just accept to live with it? It feels like a lie, a joke. 

 

Bucky lets his thoughts get the better of him, taking him into swirls and swirls of something dangerous. He doesn't want to lock himself into his mind, but he can't help it. He’s allowed to think now, but he doesnt know if he wants to waste his thoughts on this, its so pointless. It will never affect Bucky, because Bucky doesn't know love, not anymore. 

 

Never again. 

 

But he knows hate. And he knows who he carries it for.

 

“I don’t hate gay people” He ends up blurting out, halfway to the restaurant, and Clint cocks an eyebrow at him but doesn't stop walking

 

“I know”

 

“Okay” Bucky says, not questioning it. If Clint was able to get that off of him earlier, he must be pretty damn good at his job.

 

They walk in silence for a few more minutes before Bucky tries again.

 

“You don’t like Loki a lot”

 

Clint doesn't look at him this time, only gets slightly more tense.

 

“I dont”

 

“Neither does Steve.” Bucky adds 

 

“Neither does Steve” Clint repeats after him.

 

“And Steve thinks everyone is redeemable”

 

“Yup. Even Captain Justice is nervous around him”

 

Bucky waits a beat.

 

“How many casualties?” 

 

“Too many” Clint responds. “Some by my own hands.” He adds, almost a whisper 

 

“How?” 

 

“Mind control” Clint says before glancing at him meaningfully.

 

Well that’s something Bucky can understand.

 

“Why do you let him into the Tower?”

 

“Cap aint the only one who thinks people are redeemable in the team, and he’s also Thor’s brother. That's without mentioning it would've been hypocritical of me.”

 

Bucky frowns.

 

“What do you mean”

 

“Everybody has a history, Barnes. It's not always something you want to know about.”

 

“Tell me about it”

 

Clint snorts. 

 

“We’re here”

 

Bucky nods and walks in, ordering their usual (He looks almost comfortable ordering at the counter now which is like fuck you therapist cause he is getting better). He orders a bit more, knowing that Clint is likely to snatch something out of the bag and run the other way as soon as they reach the Tower again.

 

Which he does.

 

Bucky rolls his eyes and walks in. The light outside is starting to get orangey and he knows if he doesn't get upstairs now he might have a very upset Steve on his hands.

 

He decides on taking the stairs, a thing he does sometimes when he has some pent up energy, mostly in days like today where the anger almost gets unbearable. He hasnt actually spared or hit anything since he got here, afraid of letting this part of him see the light again, but when it gets too much inside and he feels threateningly close to explosion, he wishes he had somewhere of his own to be, somewhere that not even a robot eye would be watching.

 

For now, the stairs will have to do. He focuses on keeping his heartbeat steady, as well as the bag of food in his hand. He takes each floor as if it was nothing, but he can feel the way his muscles are pleased with the exercise, the way his mind is more than happy to focus on anything else than this horrible day.

 

As soon as he reaches their floor, his super hearing picks up something, making him stop dead in his tracks, hand on the door handle.

 

“What about Sharon? Talked to her since she got pardoned?” Natasha’s voice cuts through the wall.

 

Bucky lets his hand drop. He can’t help it, he’s always been nosey. Or at least he thinks so. 

 

And he remembers Sharon, the girl who gave Steve his shield back. 

 

The girl he kissed.

 

Bucky scowls, but leans forward, waiting for the answer.

 

“A bit.”

 

“And?”

 

“And nothing came out of it”

 

“Did nothing come out of it or did you shut her off?”

 

“Do we really have to talk about this?”

 

“Steve”

 

“Natasha”

 

“Is it because of him?” She asks and Bucky freezes

 

Him? Who’s him? Bucky tries to recall anything, maybe an ex boyfriend of Sharon that Steve might’ve known, someone to keep him away from her, but nothing comes up. He barely stops the frustrated noise that wants to cross his lips.

 

On the other side of the door, the silence is heavy, and awfully unhelpful.

 

“It's not like that” Steve says but its barely a whisper. “I just don’t think the time is right. Everything’s new for him, and it hasn't been simple for him to adjust and I just don't know if I wanna add someone else to complicate it more. He scares easy”

 

Oh.

He’s the him?

 

“Like a cat?” Natasha asks and Bucky cant hesr the smirk in her voice

 

“Kind of like a cat” Steve answers and Bucky decides its time to enter now

 

“I’m not like a cat” He states, walking in as if everything was normal. Steve turns to him so quickly he almost makes a glass fall from the counter by which he’s standing. Nat doesn't move a muscle, spread on the chair that Steve probably went to get from her apartment earlier, in the corner he was talking about.

 

“Bucky!”

 

“Hey James”

 

“Hey Nat” he answers, nodding in her direction, before repeating himself. “I’m not like a cat”

 

“How much of that did you hear?” Steve asks and he looks honestly mortified

 

“You should call Sharon” Bucky says, reaching the counter and putting the bag beside Steve, very pointedly not looking at him while getting everything out. “I won't scare away”

 

“See? We all agree” Nat says but she’s looking at Steve like she’s challenging him.

 

“Fine. I’ll call her. Whatever.” Steve says and Bucky is suddenly overcome with the need to crush Steve phone with his metal hand and never ever letting him get a new one. “Now get out. We gotta get to drawing”

 

“Is that Thaï?” Nat asks when she reaches the counter and Bucky sighs, sliding some tempura shrimp her way that she catches gracefully.

 

“Thank you Jamessss” she says, walking away while Steve rolls his eyes fondly

 

“Sorry about that” Steve says when the elevator dings, indicating their guest, wait no, his guest departure.

 

“Do you really think I’m gonna run away because you get a girlfriend?”

 

“No its just… thats a lot of new things all at once. I just didn't want to overwhelm you”

 

Bucky blinks at him. Unbelievable.

 

“Stop”

 

“Stop what??”

 

“Sacrificing parts of your life for me”

 

Steve stares back but doesnt answer, instead turns his attention to the food in front of them.

 

“We have to be quick before…”

 

“The light. Yes, I know”

 

And then his friend smiles at him, awkward but true, and Bucky cant help smiling back, even tho his smile is much smaller.

 

They eat quickly and then Steve gives him a shirt and instructs him how to sit and where to look and before Bucky even realize it, it has almost been an hour of him sitting as still as possible. Steve must’ve gotten up to turn the lamp on at some point because the golden hour has long since passed.

 

“You used to be a lot more talkative during this.” Steve says but Bucky doesn't turn to face him, staying as immobile as he can. “A lit more restless, too”

 

“I thought the whole point was to not move”

 

“ It is ” Steve says and Bucky hears the grins in his voice “but you seemed to forget about that every time you volunteered. Or maybe you just liked to complain”

 

“Both likely”

 

Steve hums and Bucky moves his eyes slightly just to try and steal a look at him

 

“Why did you keep asking?” Bucky asks then and the soft sound of pen on paper stops for a second while Steve looks at him. Bucky hopes Steve cant tell how hot he’s getting. Ruin the fucking drawing.

 

“You’re b…very nice to draw. Very nice features.”

 

“Nice” Bucky repeats

 

“Yes” Steve says and then the scratching of the paper starts again and Bucky lets his mind wonder again

 

Nice. He’s nice to draw. Steve thinks so.

 

“Is Sharon nice to draw?” He asks and then almost immediately regrets it.

 

Its like his mouth speaks before his brain today. That's annoying.

 

The pen sound stops again. Bucky grits his teeth.

 

“I haven’t drawn her… yet.”

 

“Oh. Okay”

 

“We haven't known each other for very long”

 

“Okay”

 

“And it's not like I have a picture or anything”

 

“Okay”

 

“Okay”

 

“Okay”

 

Steve sighs, but the sound doesnt start again this time. Bucky hitches to look at him, just one second. 

 

“Buck, I…” Steve starts to speaks and then the fucking stairs door is slamming open and Bucky is throwing himself on top of Steve to protect him from the bullets or whatever is gonna come their way

 

“CAPTAIN” Thor’s voice sounds instead of the ammunition Bucky was expecting. “I’ll sleep here tonight”

 

“For the love of God” Steve whispers under him and Bucky is suddenly very aware that Steve is under him.

 

“Fuck. Sorry” he says, rolling over and looking aat the mess. 

 

Steve’s chair flew away a few feet,laying sideway on the ground. His pen is broken in half, one half on the ground in front of them and the other half on the sketchbook, still open. Bucky can see an almost picture perfect of himself on the paper, and the light makes it look like he’s glowing. 

 

How can someone made of darkness can look like he’s radiating warmth? That’s Steve’s magic, Bucky guesses.

 

“Thor you have to knock”

 

“Oh, I apologize, did I interrupt?” Thor asks and then he looks at them, on the ground, and at the mess around them.

 

“What? No! We were just… I was drawing him” Steve mumbles, face getting red while he expediently gets off the ground.

 

“…drawing?” Thor asks, squinting suspiciously at them while Bucky takes his time getting up. No need to be any more suspicious.

 

With the way Steve is acting, Bucky himself is almost wondering if they were actually drawing.

 

“Yes. There, let me show you” Steve says, grabbing the sketchbook with the unfinished draft on it.

 

Thor looks down, distracted, and Bucky almost sighs with relief. Thats two people today assuming he’s having sex with two different men. He gets all the suspicion and none of the fun.

 

“Very representative” Thor says, lifting his eyes to look at Bucky then back down at the paper. “Well done, Cap” he adds before clapping a hand on his shoulder

 

“Thank you” Steve says. “So, wanna sleep in Sam’s room tonight, that right?”

 

“Yes, please. Unless you already have a guest” Thor’s eyes slide to him again

 

“No, Bucky… doesnt sleep in that room”

 

“Great then, I will go get my brother”

 

“Your brother?” Steve ask, tensing

 

“Yes, he has decided to stay the night as well. I think he is warming up to Midgard. I have never known him to stay this long without me asking”

 

“I don't have two rooms” Steve says carefully

 

“I have a room” Bucky says. “He can take mine.”

 

“Where would you sleep?” Thor asks

 

“I don't really sleep there anyways”

 

“..Alright. I will go tell Loki.”

 

“Meh, I’ll go. Show him around. I need a break anyways, and to get some clothes”

 

“We can continue tomorrow” Steve says, nodding, but when Thor heads towards the room he grabs Bucky’s arm

 

“Be careful with..”

 

“I know.”

 

“Okay. You’ll be back tonight?”

 

“If thats okay”

 

“Thats okay” Steve says and Bucky smiles slightly, looking down at his arm so that Steve will releases him.

 

He does.

 

“Alright, see you later then”

 

“See you later.” Steve says, eyes burning holes into Bucky’s back all the way to the elevator and until the door closes

Chapter 13

Notes:

Tw for this chapter: BRIEF mention of torture

Also guys I'm actually usually team ''Loki tortured'' and not ''Loki mind controlled'' BUT someone mentioned it in the comments the other day and I did some more research and I decided to do a mix of both, so hopefully it all makes sense to you guys

The elevator door dings when it reaches the main floor, and the dim light makes Bucky realize it's probably much later than he thought it was. How long exactly has Steve been drawing him for?

 

He takes a few careful steps towards the living room where he hears a few hushed voices. When he gets to the couches, he sees Tony and Bruce sitting beside each other, Tony whispering excitedly about something while Bruce is leaning his head on his fist, nodding in agreement every now and then with a soft smile on his lips. Peter is curled beside them, asleep with his head on a cushion that’s probably worth more than a car, Pepper absentmindedly stroking his back while staring off into the distance. Bucky smiles at the sight, but he keeps looking around, very obviously avoiding the direction of the eyes he feels are on him ever since he entered the room.  

 

No Clint, which was to be expected, but Wanda is sitting on another couch with Vision and they are also speaking, much more calmly, her feet propped up on his lap. They’re looking at each other with such a heavy gaze that Bucky wonders if something is going on there, but he’s not gonna ask. Not now. 

 

Instead, he heads over to the God who’d been staring at him, but he doesn't sit down beside him. Pepper gives him a little wave as he passes by but nobody else acknowledge him, too taken by their own conversations. 

 

“My brother sent you?’’ Loki asks in a casual but somewhat guarded tone. 

 

“I sent myself’’ Bucky says coldly and Loki tenses immediately. 

 

“They told you’’

 

“Come. I have to show you where you sleep tonight.’’ 

 

The other doesn't get up for a second, and they have what Bucky would basically call a staring contest before he sighs, resigned.

 

“I’m not gonna kill you’’

 

“Like you could’’ Loki huffs but Bucky just blinks at him and he rolls his eyes, getting up as well. 

 

Bucky leads him out and into the elevators again, but even after the door closes, he stays silent, letting Friday lead them to his floor. She keeps the door shut, almost like she’s ready his mind, and Bucky represses a smirk. Maybe the AI does not hate him after all.

 

“Tell my brother I will be waiting back home’’ Loki says after a few minutes of them being in complete silence, and then he turns his face towards the ceiling like he’s gonna speak to it. 

 

Bucky doesn't know what going back home implies, but he’s pretty sure he doesn't want it to happen with him on the other side of the elevator.

 

“No.’’ He states simply, and he’s surprised to find Loki actually looks back down at him, an only mildly defying look on his face.

 

“What do you want?" Loki asks, but Bucky ignores him.

 

“You know what I’ve done.’’

 

“Yes.’’

 

“Do you know why?’’

 

“Thor refused to go into much detail. He was adamant you weren’t to be blamed for it, though.’’

 

Bucky grits his teeth at that, because that's not the truth, but saying that would not be helping his point so he swallows down his objections. 

 

“I was tortured, manipulated and mind controlled’’ He speaks plainly and confusion turns to  realization on Loki’s face

 

“Oh.’’

 

“Do you think it's okay to control people’s mind to achieve your goal?’’

 

“I wasn’t thinking clearly’’ Loki starts to justify and Bucky gathers everything in him not to push him against that elevator door. He just turns towards him instead, staring at him with as much intensity as he can

 

“If you ever hurt them again…’’ He warns, voice low. “I will find you. I will. Do not think that your powers will save you from me. You can run away to another universe, and I will still find you. And I don’t miss. Understood?’’ 

 

“I wasn’t thinking clearly.’’ Loki insists. ‘’The stone it was… It was controlling me, too. At least partially. I didn’t realize until it was too late’’

 

“I don’t care.’’ Bucky says, still staring him down. “You’ve been warned’’

 

The door of the elevators opens, then, perfectly timed, and Bucky walks out towards his apartment door, wishing he had a whole floor like Stark just for dramatics. He doesn't look back to see if Loki is following him. 

 

“Did you know I’m a Frost Giant?’’ Loki asks from the elevator and Bucky stops walking

 

A what now??

 

“Thanos did.’’ The man keeps talking, not waiting for an answer, and Bucky sighs, his back still turned away from Thor’s brother. He wonders where he is going with this. He didn't expect to have to continue the conversation, and he thought he’d made it clear he wasn't not interested in entertaining the guy.

 

Loki can probably feel his confusion and impatience, because he continues. 

 

“Did you know heat is a very efficient way to torture a Frost Giant?’’ He says and Bucky tenses. “Thanos knew that, too’’

 

Bucky’s eyes snap close as realization washes over him, the realization that maybe the guy behind him is just as much a victim as he is a killer. That maybe the guy behind him is just. like. him. With it comes a wave of shame that's far too familiar, the sour taste of his own self hate lingering in his mouth. 

 

“I didn’t know why you fascinated me so much that first night, when you couldn’t sleep. There was something about you I recognized. I understand now that it was myself.’’ Loki speaks, voice devoid of emotions. “So perhaps before judging or making threats, you should look at yourself in a mirror. I don’t pretend to be innocent. I know what I have done, and I have paid a heavy price for my crimes. My mother…’’ Loki says but his voice breaks and he clears his throat, and when he speaks again his voice is monotone again, only slightly more vulnerable. “What is done is done. I cannot go back in the past, but I assure you that I do not intend on hurting your friends again. I really am sorry.’’

 

Bucky wants to say something, but his body is still tense and rigid, his eyes stuck close. 

 

He fucked up again. 

 

“Heimdall.’’ Loki speaks and then there's a swoosh, and when Bucky finally turns again, he is no longer there.

 

“Fuck’’ Bucky whispers at the emptiness. 

 

He didn't know. He wouldn't have- If only he’d known. 

 

But he certainly didn’t ask, did he?

 

“Fuck’’ He repeats again when he thinks about Thor, who thinks his brother is in good hands right now, who’ll probably be very disappointed to find out he left.

 

Because Bucky was an inconsiderate asshole. 

 

Because Bucky didn't ask.

 

What if Steve hadn’t asked him? Where would he be now?

 

He rubs his face with both of his hands, unable to chase away the guilt that settled in his gut. Just another thing to feel shitty about. The list is getting long.

 

He walks into his apartment, head down, in a rush to be anywhere but here, and when he looks back up again, he lets his eyes slide to his large apartment windows. The moon is hanging low in the sky, to the point where he can barely see it over the buildings. He wonders if Loki travels through space to go back home. 

 

He lets his eyes close as he feels the familiar wave of a flashback about to hit him. 

Bucky is laying on the hard concrete, arms crossed behind his head and Steve leaning on his elbow beside him. They’re both looking at the sky, something they’ve taken a liking to doing since they moved in together, on days where Steve joints doesnt hurt too much to climb the fire escape.

 

Steve had been particularly quiet that night, contemplating the sky, and Bucky didn't dare say anything to interrupt the peaceful silence. He stole little glances at his friend, instead. Steve looked like a painting like that, under the night sky. It was one of the most beautiful things Bucky'd ever seen. He still doesn't understand why the dames aren't all over Steve, to the point where he sometimes feels like he might be going crazy. Is he the only one seeing this?

 

“Do you think we’ll ever go to the moon?’’ Steve asks, glancing back at him after a little while

 

“Yes’’ Bucky answers. 

 

He thinks he’d have said yes to anything Steve asked right now, with his pale skin shining under the moonlight like an angel. 

 

Steve hums

 

“Would you go? If they asked?’’ Steve asks him and Bucky smirks

 

“Why? Tryna get rid of me, pal?’’

 

“No, but seriously.’’

 

“I don’t know. Would you?’’

 

“I think so’’

 

“Then I guess we’re going to the moon.’’ Bucky says with a smile and Steve gives it right back to him. “Gettin’ in fight with aliens and all that, once you’re done with the whole of New York’’

 

“I’m not gonna fight aliens ’’

 

“Unless they’re bullies’’ Bucky teases

 

“Unless they’re bullies’’ Steve affirms, nodding and Bucky chuckles, because he knows he means it.

 

“Don’t laugh at me’’ Steve says with an offended tone but the curl of his lips betrays him

 

“Not my fault you’re the craziest motherf-’’ Bucky starts saying but he gets interrupted by Steve jumping on him, trying to wrestle him like when they were kids, and Bucky is so surprised that Steve actually gets him face down with his arm crossed in his back

 

“What the hell Rogers?!’’ He says, trying to wiggle free but Steve woos victoriously, holding him with a strength Bucky didn't even know he had, sitting on his back with both legs around him. He could probably push him off but Steve is laughing in a way Bucky hasn't heard him do in a while, and he doesn't want to hurt him on the hard concrete. 

 

“Don’t be a bully, James Buchanan Barnes’’ Steve says, a bit breathlessly, leaning to whisper directly into his ear and Bucky is taken by a full body shiver.

 

Good Lord.

 

Steve can probably feel the shift in the air, because Bucky can feel him stills on top of him. After a few awkward seconds, he releases Bucky and rolls to lay beside him, chest still heaving from the effort. 

 

Bucky snorts.

 

“You really are a crazy bastard, Steven Grant Roger’’ He says, mimicking the way Steve had said his whole name earlier and rolling back to his original position, shoulder now pressed against his friend beside him, ignoring the pounding of his own heart.

 

“You love m..it’’ Steve says, clearing his throat and getting slightly pink in the face, probably hoping Bucky didn't hear the slip up

 

“Yeah.’’ Bucky says softly, eyes trailing over Steve and latching onto his eyes. “Yeah, I do’’

 

Steve looks away quickly, eyes finding the moon above again and Bucky follows his gaze, sighing slightly and relaxing again against the cool concrete underneath him.

 

“I bet everything’s easier up there’’ Steve says gently, back into his contemplative state, and boy does Bucky hope he’s right.

 

There's no law on the moon. There's no one. For one stupid moment, Bucky imagines the ground beneath him is the moon’s ground, and that he’s somewhere where he can make fun of Steve for looking ridiculous in an astronaut suit, somewhere where the gravity wouldn’t grab onto his best friend and make his body hurt every step. Somewhere he could hold Sterve’s hand without risking being beat up by that neighbor who’s been giving them dirty looks ever since they moved in together.

 

Bucky likes to think Steve might want that, too. 

 

It’s stupid, but he’s a dreamer. Always has been. He remembers back when his Ma would smack him behind the head because of ridiculous stories he’d made up for guests. 

 

He’s learned to swallow them a long time ago, these dreams.

 

These hopes .

 

They stay safely stowed in his mind. Safe where no one can smack him for it. 

 

But tonight, they’re not in Brooklyn. They’re on the moon. So Bucky lets himself wander, eyes becoming heavy from his day of work, the warm summer breeze and city sounds lulling him to a sleep he knows he’ll regret when he wakes up tomorrow morning with his muscles aching. 

 

He’s not sure if the fingers that intertwines with his are a fragment of his imagination, but he doesn't dare open his eyes to check.

When Bucky gasps back into consciousness, it takes him a few seconds to situate himself. The apartment is dark, and still empty, and it doesn't take long for the guilt to coil around his stomach again. 

 

There's something else in his mind though, something decidedly protective that says Loki hurt Clint and Steve and Tony, something that makes anger boil inside of him, but he doesn't know how to deal with it, those opposite feelings rotting inside of him.

 

He grunts, frustrated, and is taken by the need to hit something, anything, but he still doesn't allow himself, clutching and clutching his hands instead, letting his nails pierce his right palm. It’ll heal before anyone notices anyways.

He heads towards his bedroom to grab himself some clothes to sleep in, and he allows himself to fall on the bed, face first, to bury his sorrow under the mountains of pillows laying on it. As he does, he can feel his phone sliding from his pocket and heading for the ground. He catches it mid flight, then stares at the generic background with the time on it. 

 

He’s been gone a while. Steve might worry. He opens the phone to send him a text, but when he gets in the messaging app, he sees an unread message from Shuri. They haven’t really talked since the glove incident, after which Bucky called her to reassure her he did not have a heart attack once he was done sobbing over Becca. She’d scolded him for not answering her calls and texts earlier, telling him she almost sent her brother to check on him and that next time it happens she’ll send the Dora Milaje after his ass. Bucky rolled his eyes but stood straighter and promised it’d never happen again, so he opens the message quickly

[Miss me yet?]

 

[I do miss Wakanda]

 

[And not me? :( ]

[I take it personally]

 

[You were…entertaining, for sure]

 

[Are you not entertained in New York?]

 

[Too entertained]

[Wakanda was simpler]

[At least you were entertaining in a good way]

 

[Uh oh]

[Trouble in paradise?]

[Got into a fight with your boyfriend?]

 

[??]

[I don’t have a boyfriend]

 

[Oop, sorry]

[Husband?]

[Did you get married?!?!?!?!?!]

 

[What are you talking about]

 

[Captain America]

 

[I’m not dating Steve]

 

[Right]

[Does he know that?]

[Cause it sure didn't look like he knew that when he came over here]

 

[Why does everyone think I’m into guys]

 

[...Was it supposed to be a secret?]

Bucky huffs angrily and throws the phone back to the floor, burying his face into the pillows once more. Either people’s deductive skills have gotten significantly better or his own hiding skills have gotten significantly worse. He doesn't like it either way,

 

He feels ashamed. He hates it. 

 

The phone buzzes on the ground and Bucky ignores it, adding another pillow on top of his head to muffle the sound. Today has been exhausting. He just wants to close his eyes and forget about the world for a minute, forget about every horrible thing he’s done. Of course, it doesn't work like that. They hold onto him with grips that he wouldn't even be able to break with his metal arm. Not that he would deserve it anyways. That’s his punishment, to remember. 

 

His body starts to shift uncomfortably on the mattress, still not accustomed to its cloudy feeling. Well, it’d be hard to get used to it since Bucky never actually sleeps here, but he resists against the temptation to get up. He has to get used to it, to his own bedroom at least, if Steve is gonna start dating Sharon. 

 

An icy feeling fills his vein as he imagines Steve finally undoing his makeshift bed on the floor, putting his couch cushions back where they belong. Steve folding the blankets with two small lady arms wrapping around him from behind. Steve erasing his presence, because he doesn't need him anymore. Hasn’t needed him in a long long time.

 

Bucky can almost feel himself fading away. 

 

Maybe it’s not normal, maybe you shouldn't rely on someone else to make you feel real, but it’s always been like this. Life before Steve was always dull and colorless and strangely empty, like Bucky felt a hole inside of him but didn’t know what was meant to fill it.

 

Life during Steve was just a constant need for more, like being in withdrawal constantly, like being burned by sunlight but still being unable to look away from its rays. 

 

And life after Steve… Well. Bucky would rather not think about that. At least it wasn't real, only another lie burned into his mind. Steve was always there, just too far away for Bucky to reach. 

 

Still too far away for Bucky to reach.  

 

The distant buzzing of the phone is barely a whisper now, in this world of softness and pillows, and for two whole seconds he actually does manage to forget why he was here.

 

That is, of course, until Steve barges into his place.

 

“Buck?!’’ The man shouts from the entrance, voice panicked and Bucky rolls his eyes, not moving but groaning loudly into the mattress, making sure Steve is hearing him. He hears his friend’s swift footsteps until he reaches the bedroom door before he just stops moving and stands there. “Buck?’’ He asks again, unsure

 

Bucky sighs and rolls over, much like he did in his earlier flashback, getting rid of the pillows on top of his head. 

 

“I’m alive’’ He says, staring up at the ceiling.

 

“Where’s-’’

 

“Not here’’ Bucky grumbles, voice sharp. 

 

“What did he do?’’ Steve asks, almost sounding angry, and Bucky wants to throw a pillow at his stupid face for always assuming the best of him

 

“Nothing’’ Bucky sighs, lifting his head up to look at him in the doorway. “I was an asshole to him and he left’’

 

Steve takes a few tentative steps forward, almost like he’s scared to enter Bucky’s space.

 

“What do you mean?’’

 

“Nobody told me he was tortured! You tell the mean protective friend that the ex-villain that hurt you was tortured before leaving them alone with each other. That’s like common sense’’

 

“Who was tortured??’’ Steve asks and Bucky cocks an eyebrow at him “Wait, did you fight with Loki?’’

 

“It wasn’t a fight.’’ Bucky says. “Mild threats at best. I didn’t even go into details, because I actually kinda liked the guy before.’’

 

“Before what?’’

 

“Steve I think I need you to update me on all the fights you guys had when I was still- Before I came back’’ Bucky says, sitting up to bury his face in his hands. “Cause I keep fucking up. Nobody told me Clint was mind controlled and that Loki killed a bunch of people. And then when I react to that I find out he was tortured too and now I’ve just tormented two miserable people.’’ 

 

“Loki was tortured?’’ Steve asks and Bucky feels him hovering on the side of the bed, probably wondering if he’s allowed to reach out. 

 

Bucky doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve Steve’s kindness. That’s what he’s been telling himself every day for months, way before he even lived with him. 

 

He should push him away, for his own safety. That’s the logical thing to do. 

 

But Bucky doesn't think in logical anymore. He isn't the Winter Soldier. He is human and weak and selfish.

 

So, he scoots a bit towards the side of the bed where Steve is, just slightly, and hopes that his friend understands it as the permission he was asking for. He is almost longing for it, longing for the warmth Steve holds within himself, and he can barely retain the sigh that threatens to escape his lisp when Steve does lift his arm and puts it in the crook of Bucky’s neck, holding him steady. Bucky leans into it.

 

“That’s what he said’’ Bucky answers, once his brain starts working again. “He said Thanos used heat to torture him since he is a Frost Giant. What’s a Frost Giant? And who the fuck is Thanos anyways??’’

 

“It doesn’t matter’’ Thor's voice startles Bucky, and he jumps off the bed, putting himself in front of Steve, his body reacting instinctively. The God is standing in the bedroom doorway, and Bucky doesnt know for how long, didn’t even hear him walk into the apartment at all. His face, usually filled with a puppy-like look of constant happiness, is now dark and angry. “He won’t live long enough for his name to matter.’’ 

 

And then Thor turns around and exits the apartment, hammer in hand. Bucky doesn’t even know when he got that, either. 

 

The room fills with silence, Bucky still standing between Steve and the now empty doorway, until a flash of lightning outside startles them both. It hadn't been a rainy day.

 

“So I guess Thor won’t be staying over then’’ Steve says flatly and Bucky snorts because everything has been so goddamn dramatic today, and maybe he really needed this. And of course Steve knew immediately.  “Wanna grab some snacks and watch a Disney? Since your couch still has cushions. ’’

 

Bucky hums and moves his head slowly from left to right, pretending he’s hesitating.

 

“Old one or new one?’’

 

“Old one. Duh’’

 

“I get to choose?’’

 

Steve smiles a bit mischievously, and the image is so strikingly like old time that it makes Bucky’s breath hitch.  

 

“Only if you get there before I do’’

 

Steve is already out of the room before he finishes the sentence and Bucky grunts, running after him. 

 

Of course Steve wins because Bucky got the cheap serum knockoff, but Bucky still flips him off and blames it on the cheating. 

“FRIDAY, tell everyone Steve Rogers is a cheater’’

 

“FRIDAY, tell everyone Bucky is a sore loser’’

 

“...Is that something you actually want me to relay to the team?’’

 

They both stare at each other, challenging for a second. 

 

“Nah’’ Bucky ends up answering. “Let them figure it out by themselves. It’ll be good for them’’

 

“I can assure you, Mr, that Captain Rogers has been called a liar on multiple occasion while playing Twister’’

 

“It’s not my fault I got more endurance!’’ Steve says

 

“What’s Twister?’’

 

“FRIDAY, don’t answer. I’ll show it to him one day’’ 

 

“Can’t I know what it is beforehand?’’

 

“That’ll take all the fun out of it’’

 

“...it’s cause I won’t wanna play if I know what it is, right?’’

 

“Maybe’’ 

 

“You’re the worst. How did I get stuck with you? FRIDAY, is anyone else still up?’ Bucky asks the ceiling but before he can get an answer, he’s hit by one of the useless fluffy cushions that usually rots on the couch. 

 

Bucky staggers backward, surprised, and Steve seems to mistake this as a trauma reaction, eyes immediately apologetic, and Bucky decides to use that as an advantage. He stands there, hunching a bit on himself until Steve takes a few steps forward to see if he’s okay. As soon as his friend is within reach, Bucky grabs for the pillow still in his hands and pulls, making Steve lose balance and let go of it, stunned. Bucky gets a few good hits in before Steve finally tries to fight back, reaching for the cushion just like Bucky hoped he would, pulling with all of his strength to get it out of Bucky’s grip. Bucky lets go of it immediately, letting Steve fall unceremoniously onto his ass with the power of his own pull, then walks slowly to the couch. He sits down, grabbing the remote and grinning at a very confused Steve, still sitting on the ground, waving it over his head.

 

“I win’’

 

Steve groans but gets up, abandoning the cushion on the ground, and sits beside him, shoulders pressing against each other in a way thats totally unnecessary on the gigantic couch. . 

 

“At least choose a good one’’

 

“Excuse you, I have good taste.’’

 

“Yeah, yeah’’ Steve says, rolling his eyes. “Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night’’

 

Bucky almost points out that he does not sleep at night, but Steve isn’t really comfortable when he jokes about his trauma, so he keeps it to himself and simply turns on the TV.

 

He’s gotten much more comfortable with it now. Really, it’s not that hard to understand. Even Steve got it. 

 

He settles on Pinocchio, which Steve agrees is a good choice, and they both relax onto the couch, still pressed against each other. Bucky doesn't remember if he used to need touch so much, he only knows that it feels like a constant fight against himself to allow himself to get it. Maybe it's from when he used to get tortured, a rational explanation to why he has to resist from shying away from something he wants so much, or maybe it's from something else. To why he’d even want it so bad in the first place.

 

There’s something inside of him, deep down, that knows this isn't new. That this followed old Bucky all the way to this new world, and there's something so heartbreaking about it, something so unmovable that Bucky is scared for a moment that this craving will never leave, just as much as the shame that comes with it. 

 

Steve chooses this moment in Bucky’s chains of thoughts, the absolute worst one, to raise his arm and put it around Bucky’s shoulder. 

 

Okay.

 

Okay.

 

Okay.

 

This is probably completely normal right?

 

Bucky tries to find anything, a memory of them watching movies like this, but they didn’t own a television back then, so they’d only watch movies in the theater. So definitely not.

 

But they were always pretty tactile. Bucky gathered that much from his scattered memories. It was normal back then for men to hug or walk with their arms around each other's shoulder or to do more than just a manly tap on the back to show support.

 

So maybe this is just normal too. 

 

Bucky doesn’t know, and he doesn't ask, because it'd be awkward and Bucky is already too tense and what if Steve takes his arm away ?

 

And why does that sound like the worst possible thing that could ever happen right now??

 

He tries to relax into it, not wanting Steve to think that he’s uncomfortable. But he is uncomfortable. But if he’s uncomfortable why does he not want it to end? 

 

For fuck’s sake he hates thinking for himself. Maybe Hydra was onto something. 

 

Steve clears his throat, also tense as a bowstring next to Bucky. 

 

“Are you… Is this okay?’’

 

“Yes.’’ Bucky says immediately, a bit too fast, then tones it down a bit to try again so it doesn't sound as desperate. “I mean yeah. It’s whatever. We good. It’s alllllllll gooooddddd’’

 

What. The. Fuck. 

 

“Uh.. okay’’ Steve says, probably thrown off by Bucky’s awful attempt at being a normal fucking human being for once

 

They stay silent for a few more minutes, but they’re both rigid and completely uncomfortable as far as Bucky can tell, and he can’t focus on the movie anymore, so he decides to try again.

 

Surely it can be that hard to talk right?

 

“Is that something that, you know, that's normal? I don’t remember, cause- you know- movie night? We didn’t… and it's not like I don’t want you to, it’s just- And also Clint said- Nope, you know what, let's not talk about what Clint said because it has nothing to do with it. This is normal, right?’’ He repeats the question

 

Right. So easy.

 

“I’m sorry’’ Steve says, removing his arm and Bucky scowls. “My arm just kind of moved by itself.’’

 

“You didn't answer’’

 

“I can’t really tell what's normal anymore if I’m being honest. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it’’ Steve says, face becoming deep red. “We’ve never really cared about normal, though. Even back then.’’

 

Bucky nods, glancing at Steve’s arm, back to his side.

 

“Like when we decided to move in together’’

 

“Like when we decided to move in together’’ Steve agrees

 

Bucky hums

 

“So it’s not normal but it’s not different. It’s just…us?’’

 

Steve shrugs and Bucky nods again. 

 

“Alright. I can deal with that. Sorry for ruining it’’ He adds.

 

“No, don’t be. I want you to tell me when you’re uncomfortable.’’

 

“I wasn’t. Uncomfortable.’’ He specifies unnecessarily. “Just confused.’’

 

Steve nods and gives him a small little lopsided smile, but he doesn’t put his arm back around Bucky’s shoulder.

 

It’s probably for the best, Bucky thinks, when they both focus their attention back on the movie. 

 

Probably. 

 

He wouldn’t want his brain getting confused anymore than it already is.

 

Wouldn’t want his brain thinking that maybe Steve actually likes him back. That all it took was war, super soldier serum, him falling off a train and being tortured and brainwashed for 70 years and then almost killing him for Steve to realize he was into Bucky. 

 

Not that Bucky actually wants that anyways. He’s already accepted it wasn’t gonna happen a long long time ago, when he saw Steve look at Peggy Carter in a dim bar light. Look at her in a way he never looked at Bucky. 

 

Bucky doesn't want a pretend, pity love story. 

 

Because that’s what it would be, wouldn’t it? If Bucky has been as obvious about the way he feels as everyone else seems to be saying, then Steve probably saw it too. Steve knows him better than everyone, reads him better than everyone. He’d be doing this for Bucky, because he's a self sacrificing bastard and Bucky simply won’t allow that. 

 

No, it’s definitely better this way, with their arms on the side of their bodies where they rightfully belong. 

 

So why does he feel so cold?

 

 

– –

 

 

 

Bucky must’ve dozed off at some point, because when he opens his eyes again, the TV is no longer on, and he’s lying on his side, covered with a blanket. 

 

It’s surprising, that he would be in a deep enough sleep to not wake up at the slightless movement, even more surprising that the added weight of the blanket on his skin didn’t startle him awake, but he supposes Steve’s presence always did have that calming effect to it, maybe even more efficient than that horse drug Hydra used to give him when he got into a panic. That’s why he likes to sleep in Steve’s room, although he never said it. 

 

How silly, to feel so safe with someone.  Bucky really needs to grow up. 

 

Talking about Steve, he is also asleep on the couch, although on the other end of it. Bucky doesn't understand who thought he’d need a couch big enough for two super soldier to be able to sleep on it and not even be at risk of touching, but Bucky hates them slightly right now. 

 

It doesn’t matter tho, because something did wake him up, and that something is a person walking into the room.

 

“Barnes? You in there?’’ Starks voice asks, whispering into the darkness and Bucky almost lets out an angry growl, looking down at Steve, peacefully sleeping at his feet.

 

“Shut up’’ He whispers angrily in Tony’s general direction, before carefully getting up and walking out of the room and exiting the apartment, passing by Tony and grabbing him as he goes.

 

“Whoa there, bud. No need to kick me out. Could've just said ‘Hey Tony, not the right time’. ‘’ He says once Bucky takes them both out and closes the door behind him.

 

“Steve is asleep in there’’ he says, gesturing behind him at the closed door. “And since apparently walls aren’t a thing anymore in the 21rst century and everything has to be an open space, I had to take you out. Unless you wanted us to talk in my bedroom. Or a bathroom.’’

 

“Aw, you’re having a sleepover?’’ 

 

Bucky squints, trying to put as much annoyance into his face as he possibly can.

 

“Okay…that thing you’re doing with your face? Not your best look’’

 

“Shut up, Stark. What do you want?’’

 

“Clint said you might need a talk. About what’s okay and what’s not okay in today’s day and age and all that crap. Which honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t think about that before-’’

 

“It’s the middle of the night’’

 

“I know’’

 

“That couldn’t wait till morning?’’

 

“I thought you weren’t a sleeper, if I’m being 100% honest. Probably should've asked FRIDAY.’’

 

“Why are you awake anyways?’’

 

“Night is when I’m at my most productive.’’

 

Bucky sighs, rubbing his face with his palm. He longs for the sweet warmth of the couch he was on a few minutes ago.

 

“When’s the last time you had a full night of sleep?’’ He asks, and he wince when he realizes he sounds just like Steve.

 

“Alright mom, don’t be a hypocrite now. I just said, my brain just works better at night. I'll go to sleep after this.'' He says, before pulling out a list from his shirt pocket. “So, I wrote down a few things-’’

 

“Shut up.’’ Bucky says and Stark lets out a little frustrated sigh

 

“Fine then. We’ll do this in the morning. But you're not allowed to push it again after-’’

 

“Shut. Up.’’ Bucky repeats and then he opens the door and pulls Stark back inside. “Come’’

 

“What?’’ Tony says but he’s whispering again, at least. “Forget it, I’m not joining your little secret sleepover club.’’

 

“Sit your ass down on this couch right now. I’m getting you a pillow and a blanket, and I don’t want to hear it.’’

 

Stark huffs, but he does sit down, sending a look at Steve on the other side of the couch. 

 

“There's not enough space for three.’’ He complains but Bucky ignores him and head toward the bedroom, grabbing a pillow and his comforter (because he honestly has no idea where Steve got the blankets) 

 

He walks back to the room where Stark is waiting for him, obviously offended when Bucky hands him what he found. 

 

“What’s next? You gonna tuck me in? Sing me a lullaby? This is ridiculous.’’ 

 

“That what I need to do for you to stop complaining like a baby?’’

 

“I was coming here to help you!’’

 

“And I’m trying to do the same. Now shut up, lay down and sleep.’’

 

Stark stares at him for a few seconds, then at the door, like he’s trying to calculate how fast he can get there.

 

“Don’t.’’ Bucky says simply and Stark sighs, laying down and grumbling to himself about how no kind deed goes unpunished but Bucky ignores him, taking his blanket off the couch and sitting down on the floor right between his two friends. He leans his back on the couch and lets his head settle on the soft cushion, bringing his knees to his chest and covering himself with the blanket. 

 

“Night, Stark’’ He says with a smirk, out of pure spite

 

“I’m not gonna fall asleep’’ Tony says but his voice is already getting heavier

 

“Mhm’’ Bucky hums, and Stark kicks his shoulder but Bucky's smile only grows

 

It doesn't take two minutes before Tony is snoring. He didn’t actually think it’d that quick, expecting Stark to rebel for at least 10, but he supposes it must be Steve’s magic at work. Maybe everyone just feels extra safe around him, and it's not a Bucky thing. 

 

Anyhow, Bucky can feel his own body lulling itself back to sleep, focusing on the heartbeats of the two people behind him.

 

Maybe things are not so bad after all.

Notes:

Me replying to comments: Loki and Bucky are gonna be bestiessss

Also me: *makes them scream at each other*

IT'S GONNA GET BETTER OKAYYYYYY

I wanted to add Steve waking up and being all confused about why Tony is there, but it felt like so many thing already happened in this chapter, so I had to physically stop myself lmao

Also, omg did they actually touch?? :o 50K words later???? OMGGGGGGG
DFNKDJFBKGBKJNFKJNF SORRY
I KNOW THE SLOWBURN IS SLOW
AND ITS ONLY THE BEGGINING
BUT HEY AT LEAST WE'RE STARTING TO GET SOMEHWERE
Hang tight

Chapter 14

Notes:

Okay guys, I wanted to write Coney Island now
I really really really didddd
But this felt like a necessary bridge between the two and it felt like I'd just be skipping over too much if I didn’t write this so you get this smaller chapter and then we get Coney Island and I’m so so so so so so so so so excited about Coney Island like you’ve got no idea
We’ll get a bunch of my favorite stuff which are: 1: Peter and Bucky (Sorry for my Irondad pals and gals, I’m a big big WinterDad fan) 2: flashbacks (duh) 3:intense moments on a ferris wheel (ooouuuhhhh) 4: pining pining pining pining pining pining pining pining (As if this whole fic dont got enough pining) (pining doesn't sound like a real word anymore) 5: Jealousy jealousyyy (jealous who? You wait and find out)

Bucky is woken up by a shake of his shoulder. It’s gentle, but unexpected, so he grabs for the hand before even registering that he’s awake. He’s met with a surprisingly strong resistance, even for his metal arm, which is enough to remind him of his whereabouts. He lets go immediately, releasing a breath and turning his head towards who could be no one else but Steve Rogers.

 

“What the hell, Steve?’’ He grumbles, eyes squinting into the early morning light coming through the windows.

 

“Sorry, sorry, I forgot. Just- Why is Tony here?’’ Steve asks, face apologetic but definitely confused.

 

“Don’t wake hm up.’’ Bucky warns, dropping his voice even lower, to a point where only super hearing could pick up his words. “He came by last night. Woke me up. Punished him by forcing him to sleep.’’

 

Steve cocks his head, lips curling up

 

“How did you manage that?’’ He asks, voice just as silent as Bucky’s

 

“It was easy’’ Bucky shrugs. 

 

“It’s not easy to make Anthony Stark do anything. Ever.’’

 

“I’ve got a lot of practice with you’’

 

‘’Ha. Ha.’’

 

“I’m serious. Do you remember how many times I had to physically drag you away from fights? Cause I do. I remember a bunch of them, and I sometimes have trouble remembering my mother’s face, so, that's enough for me to know it happened on the regular.’’

 

Steve’s eyes drop down immediately and Bucky chews on the inside of his lips. He really has to stop making jokes about this, cause Steve definitely doesn’t get it. 

 

“Want some coffee?’’ He offers instead and Steve perks up, nodding. 

 

They both get up and head towards the kitchen, which isn’t exactly a separate room, just slightly farther away, so they still have to be quiet. Bucky takes a look at the clock and winces. How can someone just wake up this early and not hate everyone?

 

Steve seems perfectly fine, grabbing two mugs and handing them to Bucky with a sleepy smile that is honestly so adorable that it's hard to Bucky to remember that this is the face of a 6’2 jacked superhero and not his five foot nothing best friend that used to have to stand on chairs to get to the higher stuff. 

 

Well, he supposes the best friend thing hasn’t changed, at least. So there's that. They let the coffee brew slowly, not talking and looking at the sun rising (yes, rising , because motherfucking Steve Rogers naturally wakes up that early.) 

 

Steve only breaks the comfortable silence once they’re about halfway done with their cup. Bucky wonders if he was waiting for an acceptable amount of caffeine to enter Bucky’s body before talking to him, like he used to do in the forties. Not like caffeine has any effect on them anymore, not with a small dose like this, but it’s still nice to think about, that  this habit might’ve stuck.

 

“Do you remember the coffee that we used to drink in the army?’’ Steve asks and Bucky crinkles his nose

 

“I wish I didn’t’’ 

Steve chuckles and nod in agreement

 

“Sometimes I wonder what I’d do now. How I’d live with it. Now that I’ve tasted all this’’ He says, waving his hand around the apartment 

 

“Yeah.’’ Bucky says, but he knows exactly how he would. 

 

Like coming back home to a shitty apartment after a shitty day at your shitty job, smelly shitty but knowing that theres laughter and warmth on the other side of the door. Just like that. 

 

Bucky thinks of war like a home. Like the last place he was himself, really himself, before he was lost to the cold. And maybe that’s a terrible, awful thing. Or maybe war just does that to people. Plant a seed into your mind, and makes you hate it, but wish for more anyways. 

 

Because war is easy. It always has, always will. It’s dirt and blood and being part of something so beyond yourself that for a minute, you don’t really have to be anyone. Just another finger to press on a trigger.

 

Bucky says none of that, of course. He only takes a sip of coffee and bury his face into his mug long enough to know that when Steve’s gaze meets his again, he’ll see none of this.

 

“Wanna go on a run?’’ Steve asks

 

“I would rather die’’

 

“You’d rather stay here and watch over him?’’ Steve asks, almost bitter and Bucky shrugs

 

“I was thinking I could read something.’’

 

“Read something?’’ Steve asks, cocking his head, voice tone back to normal. “Read what?’’

 

“I don’t know, anything. I used to love it, I think. I kind of want to try it again.’’

 

“You did use to love it.’’ Steve says and his voice has gone all soft now. It makes Bucky feel all weird. “I have a few in my apartment if you want, nothing like the stuff you used to read but it could do while you-’’

 

“I actually have some. Got them a few weeks ago. After the movie night.’’ Bucky interrupts him, pointing to a little forgotten box by the side of the door

 

“The Hobbit’’ Steve says

 

“Yeah, it made me remember reading it. And I decided maybe I wanted to read other stuff, just to see. I asked FRIDAY for help and she sent this, so…’’

 

“Alright, then’’ Steve says, getting up. “I’ll leave you to it.’’

 

“Okay’’

“You’ll call me if you need anything?’’

 

Bucky doesn’t know how he could need anything that only Steve would be able to get him while staying in a tower with a magical person living in the ceiling to answer their every wish, but he simply nods, because if he doesn’t then Steve just won’t leave. That seems to satisfy his friend, who gives him a last squeeze on the shoulder before heading out, closing the door softly behind him to not bother the still very asleep man on Bucky’s couch. 

 

Bucky takes his time to finish his coffee, then heads towards the box on the floor. It’s opened, because Bucky would never let a package inside his home before checking it thoroughly first, but he still hasn't really checked what type of books were in there. He only described to FRIDAY what things he used to like, and she sent this. 

 

He feels something like excitement bubbling in his chest as he grabs the first book in the book. It seems to be a series, 7 books neatly placed one beside the other in order. 

 

That is when Bucky opens a Harry Potter book for the first time. 

 

He quickly get sucked in, so utterly and completely absorbed by what he’s reading that it gets scary for him. He didn’t remember it being like that, like being transported into another world through a portal you control. 

 

Bucky likes it. A lot. 

 

He barely reacts when Stark starts moving on the couch, only lifting his head up once he realizes that the steady sound of snoring that accompanied him for what is now almost half of a book is now absent. 

 

Stark is now sitting up on the couch, still wrapped in his comforter and squinting at him with a resentful face. He looks ridiculous. Bucky almost laughs, except he somewhat still has a  will to live. 

 

“What time is it?’’ He asks flatly and Bucky turns to look at the clock, surprised to find that 3 hours have passed. 

 

“About 9’’

 

“AM?’’

 

“No Tony. PM.’’ Bucky says sarcastically “Yep, you’ve slept 18 hours, believe it or not. The sun is still up but that’s just a normal 9PM thing. You wouldn't know, of course, since you haven’t been out of your lab for more than an hour at a time in the last, what, ten years?’’  

 

“Shut up.’’ Tony says, getting up from the couch without letting go of the comforter around his shoulder, walking briskly to the coffee machine and pouring himself a mug of the coffee Bucky brewed earlier. 

 

He doesn’t even reheat it, just down it straight like that, black, and Bucky is almost impressed.

 

“You’re welcome’’ Bucky says, closing the book in his hand reluctantly and pushing it a bit to the side, turning around his chair to face Tony. He crosses his arm on the back of it.

 

“I did not says thank you’’

 

“I know, but you thought it’’

 

“Absolutely not. I had so many things planned last night. Now I’m set back at least 5 hours on my planning.’’

 

“You’ve slept 6’’ Bucky says, raising an eyebrow. “Were you planning on sleeping only one hour last night?’’

 

Tony waves his question off, leaning on the counter behind him and starting more coffee. 

 

“Can we do the thing now? At least get that off my list’’

 

“What thing?’’

 

“You know, the whole reason I came over here at all last night?’’

 

Bucky tilts his head slightly, trying to remember what that was all about, but what he remembers about last night is mostly ‘Why the fuck is Tony Stark here’ and ‘What is the quickest way to make Tony Stark stop talking and go back to bed’

 

“Sorry’’ Bucky simply says, shrugging, and Tony sighs deeply, rubbing his eyebrows.

 

“Clint said you found out about gay people yesterday and got all weird so he suggested I have a talk with you about it’’

 

“Why you? And I didn’t ‘find out’ about gay people, okay? They kinda just sprung it on me that it could be public now and I was surprised, that’s it. I don’t need a talk.’’

 

“Well, for one, because I’m really the only one on the team who could do this without it being excruciatingly awkward, except maybe Nat. And dos, because I kind of felt bad I didn’t do this already before bringing you here. Kinda just dropped you in the middle of 2016 New York with a sticky note that said ‘Good Luck :)’ on it.’’

 

Bucky groans, hiding his face in his palm.

 

“Is this really necessary?’’

 

“We’ll just cover a few subjects, it’ll be done before you know it.’’

 

“What are the subjects?’’

“Women rights, gay rights, people of color rights’’

 

“Skip over gay rights and I’ll do it’’

 

Tony scans him for a moment

 

“Touchy subject?’’

 

“It’s just weird, okay? I won’t say anything, I’d rather just not talk about it’’

 

Tony fiddles a bit with the paper that somehow found its way back into his hand, but eventually nods.

 

“Fine. I won’t force you. Just, you know.. Don’t be a dick’’

 

“Deal’’ Bucky says and Tony sighs, sitting down at the table with him

 

He’s right, the conversation goes smoothly, and it’s not nearly as excruciating as Bucky thought it’d be. It’s mostly good news, a bunch of advancements about laws and stuff. Almost everyone can vote now, and that's pretty crazy. Even the president isn’t a white man anymore, which is even crazier, but Bucky feels proud of his country for the first time in what felt like forever.

 

Bucky would even go as far as to say he enjoys the conversation. 

 

When Tony leaves his apartment, about an hour later, his first instinct is to want to tell all this to Steve. But Steve most likely knows all of this. 

 

It’s weird. Bucky has words to say, for once, and no really anybody to tell them to. It makes him feel incredibly alone, in his gigantic apartment. 

 

He quickly changes out of his dirty clothes and heads out towards the shared space, hoping to find someone there, to distract him, have a conversation, maybe even convince him to go outside to do something.

 

What an incredibly normal thing to do. 

 

Bucky smiles

Notes:

Told you this one was a tiny one

OMG I CAN WRITE CONEY ISLAND NOW AHHHHHHHHHHH

Chapter 15

Notes:

Okay so maybe Coney Island wouldn't be open in October but we don’t talk about that (Sorry to all New Yorker who might come across this, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about) Also after doing my research I did find out the ferris wheel cabins at Coney Island holds 6 people, but for the sake of the story we’re all gonna have to pretend its 4

Also I’d like Wanda in this story is around 18 since Clint mentioned high school to her in Civil War and its just been my hc ever since that she was pretty young, even after it was debunked in Wanda Vision which is why she’s mixed in with the teenagers group lmao
(BASICALLY WHAT I'M SAYING IS ALMOST NOTHING IN THIS FIC IS CANON BASED AND IT'S ALL JUST A MIX OF WHATEVER MY HEAD THOUGHT THINGS WERE THAT REFUSED TO CHANGE AFTER IT WAS ANSWERED CANONICALLY)

Bucky’s nervous. So goddamn nervous.

He shouldn’t be, really. He’s been to Coney Island before, it’s nothing new. He’s literally the one who suggested they go in the first place.

 

But of course none of that matters, and Bucky is nervous anyways, because everything he knew once is different now, and he’s fairly certain this place isn’t gonna be the exception. And maybe going to a popular amusement park on a weekend isn’t the best idea, especially for a… veteran? No, that's not right, that word doesn’t even start to cover the basics of what he is, of what he did . 

 

Well, it isn't the best idea for someone like him, whatever he is. Why would he offer that in the first place? He shouldn’t have listened to his impulsion to give the kid a day out, should’ve shared his worries with Steve instead and made sure someone else than him took care of it. Should've helped from the shadow, like he used to. A sniper. 

 

Now is too late to change his mind, though, so he’s staring at the entrance of the Luna park with something like fear twirling inside of him, with half a mind to just turn around and walk straight back into the car they took to get here. It doesn’t help that he’s alone with the kids, Steve insisting he’d meet them there because he was ‘out’ all morning. He had been extremely evasive about his whereabouts, too, which frankly contributed greatly to the growing pit of anxiety at the bottom of Bucky’s stomach.

 

He’s in public by himself with a bunch of kids. He’s a danger to them without Steve here to stop him. And where is he anyways? Why would he not tell Bucky where he went? He always tells Bucky where he goes, to an extent where it’s sometimes annoying, like he’s scared Bucky’s gonna think he upped and left every time he goes to the store. So why change now? Why today? Is Steve in trouble?

 

“Should we wait for him in line?’’ Ned asks, staring at the people before them, and Bucky swallows, the idea of standing in this goddamn line of people seeming like a worse prospect than hell right now. 

 

But he has to do this. He said he would, so he will. He’s never been one to go back on his word, ever. 

 

Neither is Steve . A voice points out in the back of his head, a calming reminder that if Steve said he was gonna be there, then he will. He’s never left him down before. He starts walking towards the line, making a quick headcount of the teenagers as they follow behind him in a little trail that reminds him of ducklings somewhat.

 

“What if we get inside before he gets here, though?’’ Wanda asks a bit nervously and that's enough to make Bucky stop walking again, so suddenly that the kids almost walk straight into each other, reorganizing themselves around him carelessly. 

“You’re right. We should probably wait for him here.’’ Bucky says, trying to keep the stressed edge from his voice. It comes out almost robotical, and it's somehow even worse. 

 

“But if we don’t get in line before the afternoon rush, we’ll be waiting all day just to get in the park’’ MJ says and Bucky has to retain a frustrated groan from escaping him.

 

Goddamnit Steve. He was supposed to come to make things easier, not creating an issue Bucky would need to fix. He can’t think straight right now, can’t go beyond the best strategy to keep them all safe in the event someone comes for him, and what's the best position for him to adopt while standing in line to be able to see the most people around them, and how he hopes nobody can hear the whirring of his metal arm under his vest, and, and and-

 

“Steve can join us in the park later’’ Peter says, and his voice isn't accusatory or whining or stressed like the others, it's just relaxed and certain, so Bucky latches onto his words. “We all have our phones, so we can let him know where we are if we get in before he gets here.’’

 

Bucky nods. That makes sense, and he should've thought of it. He can’t rely on a 15 years old to hold him together today, not when this day was always supposed to be about Peter, about him getting to be just a normal teenage boy for once. Bucky is not about to make himself Peter’s responsibility.

 

“I forgot about those damn phones.’’ He jokes, forcing a smile onto his face and relaxing the muscles of his shoulders as much as possible to diffuse the quiet tension he can feel building in the kids eyes, like they can feel his energy. “That’s why Peter’s the smart one, guys’’

 

“I thought I was the smart one?’’ Ned huffs “I’m the guy in the chair!’’

 

“But I could do both easily. I’m definitely the smart one’’

 

“Alright then, let’s do a quiz. Right here, right now, I’m beating all of your asses.’’ MJ says and Bucky rolls his eyes because he definitely did not mean to start a war.

 

“I can access the information in all of your heads combined’’ Wanda says and every head snaps towards her. “I win’’

 

“Alright, alright, kids, I take it back. You’re all the smart ones.’’ Bucky says

 

“That’s not really how it works’’ Ned says, completely ignoring him

 

“Nah, she’s right. If she has access into all our mind she gets the same problem with different point of views and all of our solving capabilities at once.’’ MJ says. “She wins, which is an automatic win for me cause I’m also a girl and that makes us a team’’ 

 

“What?’’ Peter says. “We didn’t even know we could team up!’’

 

“Stop being jealous,’’ MJ says, placing herself beside Wanda, which offers her a high five.

 

“Sore losers is a bad look on you’’ Wanda says, linking her arm with MJ and they both start walking towards the line like that while the boys look at each other with offended looks on their face

 

Jesus Christ. 

 

What has Bucky gotten himself into??

 

He follows the girls into the line, nudging the boys forward as well. The only positive thing about the fact he’s with a bunch of teenagers is that none of them are exactly interested in talking to him, more than able to entertain themselves with…whatever it is they’re talking about. Bucky isn’t really listening, keeping his head down as much as possible while keeping his usual paranoid watch over the crowd, baseball cap screwed on his head. 

 

It’s a Captain America one, dark blue with a shield drawn in the middle, because Bucky has taken to buying every single merch item he finds while exploring the streets or whenever he’s dragged into a store. It can get pricey, if he’s being honest, but the look on Steve’s face every time he notices is objectively hilarious, and definitely worth every penny. So far he’s found a watch, two baseball caps, at least a dozen t-shirts, socks and even incredibly ridiculous child sunglasses, but he’s keeping those in stock for a bad day where he thinks he might need a laugh. He has not given in to Steve begging him to stop buying those yet, but it's the first time he actually wore any in public, which he’s hopeful will get him a seriously overdramatic reaction from his best friend. 

 

That’ll be revenge for him being a secretive late asshole today. 

 

That’s where Bucky’s head is at when he hears the click and sees the flash, blinding him for a second. 

 

A camera. Someone is taking a picture of him.

 

He reaches out, grabbing the barrel of the camera and blinking until his sight is back. He doesn’t know what he expects, but it's definitely not Peter looking at his hand on the camera with a slightly frightened look on his face like Bucky is holding his life between his fingers. 

 

“I’m sorry!’’ The kid says, eyes not leaving the camera. “Don’t break it please’’

 

Bucky let’s go with a breath

 

“You have to tell me before you do that stuff, kid.’’ 

“I’m sorry.’’ Peter apologizes again, eyes finally leaving the camera to focus on Bucky’s face. “I just like to take candid pictures a lot and you were smiling and I didn’t think before I took it.’’ 

 

“Okay, just… don’t take pictures of me.’’

 

“Why not?’’ Peter asks and Bucky frowns. That’s right. Why shouldn’t the kid take pictures of him? 

 

Hydra is gone. It’s gone. He has to stop living his life like a fugitive. Just the idea of it makes him dizzy.

 

He only shrugs in answer.

 

“It looks good.’’ Peter insists. “Do you wanna see it?’’ He asks, a bit more shyly.

 

“Sure’’ Bucky says, because it clearly matters to the kid and he’s also curious to see what he does look like right now for the kid to have wanted a picture so badly

 

He probably has lettuce in his teeth or something.

 

The kid shuffles to Bucky’s side and lift the camera, showing him the picture with a sort of buzzing energy emanating from him that lets Bucky know he’s really excited about this.

 

The shot is good. Like really good. The camera must be a good one, because the image is extremely clear, the focus well made on Bucky, somewhat making him pop against the background. He’s looking into the distance, smiling at himself in what he knows was anticipation, but others might just assume was fondness, with the way it's lighting his eyes up. He doesn’t even know how a camera could picture such an emotion that clearly, how we can almost see the affection crackling in his pupils. Bucky’s almost afraid if someone zoomed in enough they might be able to read his mind, to see Steve’s image reflected into his brain. 

 

Bucky almost looks happy in this photo. 

 

More importantly, he looks alive. Human. 

 

It makes him feel all choked up.

“That’s incredible’’ Bucky says “You’re really good at this.’’

 

“Thank you.’’ Peter answers, looking up at him and Bucky can see it means a lot to him

 

“Got any more?’’

 

The smile on the teenerger’s face grow so wide so quickly that Bucky is almost scared for a second, but then he start pushing a little button and showing him a bunch of photos, mostly of the Avengers, but also some of a beautiful lady driving a car, or dancing in a kitchen, or just making faces at him that makes Bucky smile. Most of the pictures seem to be candid shots, as Peter said he liked to take earlier, and Bucky is impressed with the quality of them, the way he almost feels like he was there when it was taken

 

“That your mom?’’ Bucky asks when the lady shows up a few more time in what Bucky assumes is where they live, since it seems to be pretty recurrent. 

 

“That’s my aunt May. Not really my mom, but she did raise me after my parents…anyways. She took care of me with Uncle Ben. Before he passed, too.’’ Peter explains, eyes glossing over for a second before going back to normal as he presses the button a few times. “So it was just me and her a while. I’m real lucky to have her, she’s the greatest’’ The kid says, stopping on a selfie of both of them, Peter holding the camera up high while May has her arm wrapped around his neck. They’re both laughing.

 

“I’m sure she is, kid’’ Bucky says, ruffling Peter’s hair in lieu of being helpful at all, because he really doesn’t know what to do when people start having a lot of feelings around him. 

 

He kinda wished he was his old self right now. He thinks he used to be good with this stuff. 

 

“I got some of Steve, somewhere, if you wanna see them’’ Peter says, changing the subject to something Bucky’s not sure he’s more comfortable talking about. “Oh wait, Clint too. Probably. He’s a bit more sneaky.’’

 

“I don’t wanna see pictures of Clint! Peter we told you it was a misunderstanding.’’

 

“...Sure it was’’

 

“Oh my God.’’

 

“Anyways,’’ Peter says, skipping down a few pictures of what seems to be himself, dressed at Spiderman. Bucky grasps at this desperately

 

“Is that you?’’ He asks and Peter stops, successfully distracted.

 

“Yes, it is. I know it's lame, but they do sell well. You know, May works so hard all the time so I try to do my part, even if she doesn't like it. And it’s good if I can get a few pictures to my name already, get my feet in the door for later. It’s a pretty competitive line of work, you know. Also it’s kinda fun to try and make them look like I didn't know the camera was there’’ Peter rambles a bit, obviously embarrassed, but Bucky looks at the picture, and it's so beautiful again that he doesn't understand why the kid would ever be ashamed of it. 

 

It’s SpiderMan, swinging between two buildings. The angle of the camera makes it look like Peter was hiding in the alley and got lucky, the sun being perfectly aligned with the hero, almost making it look like the sun rays came from him. 

 

“How do you manage to take those?’’ Bucky asks, almost breathtaken

 

“Oh, you know, loads of bad shots and running and figuring out how to make do with the countdown.’’ 

 

“Sounds like a lot of work’’

 

“It is’’ Peter admits, taking a few steps forward and making Bucky realize they actually were holding up the line, the three others already a few feets away from them and apparently arguing about something again? “But it’s worth it’’

 

“Is that what you wanna do, then? Photograph?’’

 

“Well, you know, I wish I could. I know being a superhero and all that takes a lot of time in a schedule but maybe I could figure it out. I hope.’’

 

“You will. You’re the smartest kid I’ve ever met. Don’t tell them I said that, please.’’ Bucky says and Peter snorts but agree with a nod. “I thought you liked all that science stuff, though. With Tony and the lab and all that.’’

 

“I do’’ Peter says. “I’ll probably study that. Biochemistry or Biophysics. Maybe Engineering like Mr.Stark, I’m not sure yet. Not that I don’t like it, but I don’t know if that’s it for me, you know?’’

 

“And Bio…thing is it for you then?’’

 

“Yeah, I think.’’

 

“And photography is?’’

 

“A silly dream’’

 

“Well kid, with pictures like that I’d say it’s more of a gift.’’

 

“Thank you, sir.’’ Peter smiles, eyes sparkling. “I don’t really show this to people usually. It feels a bit stupid sometimes, so it means a lot that you think that.’’

 

“I mean it.’’ Bucky says. “And where are you gonna stop with the sir thing?’’

 

“When you’ll stop the kid thing’’

 

“But you’re a kid! I can’t help it.’’

 

“And you’re a hundred years old’’

 

Bucky shakes his head but there’s a smirk on his face he doesn't bother to hide. Can’t argue that logic, really.

 

“Whatever, kid ’’

 

“I don’t even really mind it, really’’ Peter says with a small shrug and Bucky knows Peter means it, and can almost feel his need to just be a kid, a need maybe Peter himself doesn’t realize he has.

 

The same need Bucky felt a long long time ago, when the world was at war and all he wanted was to be a kid.

 

“Peter!’’ Ned interrupts as Bucky was about to do something stupid like maybe bring Peter into a hug. “Wanda just said she liked Pretty Little Liars better than Game of Thrones! That’s blasphemy! And MJ won’t even say anything!’’

 

“Ned, I just really don’t care’’ MJ simply states, crossing her arms

 

“Seems the people need me once more’’ Peter says with an over exaggerated sigh, grabbing onto the bands on his backpacks and Bucky chuckles

 

“Seems like a very important matter’’ He says, playing along and nodding seriously

 

“Ned does take his shows pretty seriously.’’

 

“I wouldn’t wait too long if I were you’’Bucky says, waving Peter towards the others with a wink while the kid laughs, turning toward his friends (and then jumping into what seems like the worst debate in the history of humanity)

 

The line keeps moving slowly, and when they get to the ticket booth, it’s almost been half an hour, and Steve still isn’t there. Now Bucky is getting more than nervous, because not only did Steve not send any text or call to warn him he’d be late, he hasn’t answered any of his either. 

 

Maybe it’s paranoia, but its just not like Steve to leave him hanging like that. Something has to be happening.

 

“Sir?’’ The lady at the booth asks, eyebrow raised

 

“I’m sorry?’’ He asks, bringing his attention back to the real world, putting his phone in his pocket

 

“I said how many’’ She repeats with an annoyed tone, clearly uninterested in whatever's happening to him

 

“Oh. Uh…’’He says, looking at the back of the line and hoping to see Steve.

 

As if on cue, he spots him wayyy further down to the side of the line, clearly looking for them and seeming honestly lost. Bucky sighs.

 

“Six, please. And Wanda, can you tell him where we are?’’

 

“But he’s not answering his phone-’’ Ned starts but he stops as soon as he sees Wanda squinting and Steve’s head snapping towards where they are. “Oh,right, the head thing. Smart.’’

 

Steve jogs towards them as the girl hands him his wristbands. He gives one to each kid before putting on his own. 

 

“Hey’’ He says when he finally reaches them, trying to grab the bracelet in his hand, that Bucky moves out of his reach. “Bucky, what- Oh come on don’t make that face.’’

 

“You’re late’’ 

 

“I know, I’m sorry I-’’

 

“Hey man!’’ The guy behind them interrupts. “You can’t cut in the fucking line and then create a holdup like an ass-’’ He shuts up immediately when Steve swirls around to face him.

 

Bucky rolls his eyes but places himself beside Steve, although few steps back, just so the guy can see him lurking behind,

 

“Is there a problem here?’’ Steve asks with his Captain America voice and Bucky has to summon all the strength within him not to laugh, the now completely colorless face of the other man definitely not helping. 

 

“Oh, I’m sorry Mister, I mean, Captain. I didn’t know it was you.’’

 

Steve nods.

 

“Apology accepted. We’re also sorry for holding up the line. We’ll get out of the way now.’’ Steve says, lifting his hand towards Bucky, palm up, until he reluctantly puts the wristband in it. 

Steve slips it on and they head inside of the park, the kids chatting excitedly about what they want to do first, while also trying to sooth Wanda’s nervousness. 

 

“I’m sorry’’ Steve says again, jogging up to Bucky who was until then very pointedly looking at everything but him.

 

“You didn’t answer your phone’’ Bucky says and Steve face fills with guilt

 

“I forgot it’’

 

“You forgot your phone? Don’t tell Stark, he’ll kill you. Or do something worse, like ask JARVIS to stop your from leaving the building without it.’’

 

“Oh God, don’t give him any ideas.’’

 

“I was…’’ Bucky starts saying, but he doesn’t want to say worried. It’s stupid, Steve should be able to go wherever he wants without Bucky being scared he might be dying somewhere. Except Steve is always getting into trouble, and last time Bucky left him be he signed up to be a scientific experiment and started jumping off planes without parachutes, so he supposed his worries are warranted. “It’s just not really like you to not give any news’’ he settles on instead

 

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m a mess today.’’ Steve says and he sounds genuinely apologetic, so  Bucky turns his head to look at him. Steve seems to take it as the good sign it is because he lets his shoulders relax slightly.

 

“Why? What’s up?’’

 

“Nothing special’’

 

Lie

 

“Where were you?’’

 

“Eh, you know’’ Steve says, waving the question off

 

“No, I don’t’’ Bucky answers bluntly

 

“I was… busy’’

 

“Avengers stuff?’’

 

“Not exactly’’ Steve says and Bucky is growing more and more frustrated of his non-answers, so he decides to go another route. 

 

He stops walking completely, Steve taking a few more steps before realizing and stopping as well, shouting to the others that they’ll be right behind them before turning to Bucky. He does not close  the space between them, though, staying the few careful steps away, probably because he notices Bucky carefully inspecting him, eyes squinting suspiciously.

 

Steve looks nice. Nicer than usual. Not that he doesn’t look nice usually, but this is a different kind of nice, a nice that’s on purpose. He’s wearing a light gray button down that actually fits him properly and some pants that look like they’d be more appropriate for an office meeting than at Coney Island. He even put some gel in his hair to style it the old fashioned way, even though the whole reason he said he was trying to grow it out in the first place was to look more modern.  

 

Bucky can also pick up a cologne, something fancy and musky and sharp. Something that he has a hard time believing Steve would pick for himself. Same goes for the watch on his other wrist, or the shoes on his feet, which also both look like they are worth a few month’s rent. 

 

So, the first very obvious thing is : Steve has been on a date.

 

Second very obvious thing is:

 

“You’ve taken dating advice from Tony Stark over me.’’ Bucky says and Steve’s mouth falls open in disbelievement.

 

“I-’’

 

“Natasha I would support, because she definitely knows better’’ Bucky says. “Sam, I guess I would have understood, he’s your best friend and what not. But Tony?? Were you trying to get dumped before the relationship even started?!’’

 

“Nat is on a mission and Sam is back in DC! And I did not take dating advice from him, I just needed help picking out a few things for a date, which is completely different.’’

 

“Huh.’’ Bucky says, cocking his head and pretending the fact Steve would go to Tony before him doesn’t sting. “So you have been on a date. Sharon?’’

 

Steve sighs

 

“Yes. We had breakfast this morning.’’

 

“You could’ve told me, I would’ve asked someone else to come with so you could spend some more time together.’’

 

“But I wanted to come’’ 

 

“What type of guy plans an afternoon at Coney Island after a date anyways? That’s not really gentlemen of you Steven. You gotta stop taking advice from Stark’’

 

“Well this was actually planned before the date, so…’’

 

“So you plan the date another day’’

 

“Sharon’s a very busy woman. And she knew about Coney Island’’

 

“And you didn’t invite her? Also rude’’

 

“I didn’t wanna traumatize her’’ Steve says, turning his head to gesture to the kids, who were now walking back towards them with a truly humongous amount of candy in their arms ( before they even got on any attraction? And who paid for that anyways??? ) 

 

“Okay, smart move. Start her slow with Wanda.’’ Bucky says, nodding

 

“I was thinking that.’’ Steve says with a chuckle and Bucky chases the warmth of it, taking the few steps separating him from Steve until he’s within arms reach again

 

“Was it nice?’’ He asks before the kids reach them and they get too busy to have proper conversations again. 

 

Steve searches his eyes for a second, and from this closes Bucky can see clearly within them. For the first time he remembers, he’s unable to read Steve’s mind, to understand what he might be looking for inside of Bucky’s gaze. Bucky feels something like fear bubbling up inside of him, a panic of being unable to offer what Steve is asking for, and also unable to ask what it is. He shuts off his face entirely, and Steve’s eyes flicker away.

 

“It was, yeah.’’ He answers, his cheeks becoming a pretty shade of pink. “She’s fierce, Sharon. And very funny. She’s easy to talk to.’’

 

“You got a second date?’’

 

“Yeah. Not sure when, like I said she’s very busy, but she said she’d be texting me and we plan to call tomorrow night so… I think this might work out’’

 

Bucky’s heart squeezes, and he kinda feels like punching someone in the face, but there’s also something else there, something like genuine happiness for his friend. 

 

“That’s good.’’ Bucky says, lifting his arm to squeeze Steve’s shoulder. “And you deserve good things’’

 

“Thanks Buck.’’ Steve says, a smile tugging up his lips.“You deserve good things too’’

 

No, he doesn’t.

 

He doesn’t say it though, only gives Steve one last squeeze before letting his arm fall back on his side.

 

“Guys, guys, we just found out Wanda’s never tasted cotton candy! Can you believe that?’’ Peter asks, reaching their side full speed. “Also why did you stop walking randomly?’’

 

“We’re coming, we’re coming.’’ Steve says with a grin, ruffling Peter’s hair. “And we’re gonna have to remedy this Wanda situation.’’

 

“It’s already taken care of.’’ MJ says, appearing beside Peter with a smirk. “I told that guy we were with Captain America and he recognized Wanda so he gave us a bunch of free stuff in exchange of Steve going over there to shake his hand later.’’ 

 

“Oh my God’’ Steve says into his hands and now it’s Bucky that’s grinning. 

 

“Smart kid.’’

 

“I know. I was in the winning team earlier, remember?’’

 

“That’s right you were.’’

 

“Because of cheating ’’ Ned says, getting to them with Wanda 

 

“Any of you happen to have a bag to put this in?’’ She asks “Peter’s bag already filled.’’ 

 

Bucky sighs, opening his backpack (that definitely doesn't have anything weird or illegal in it) and fills it up with the kids snacks as much as possible. Ned holds onto a cotton candy bag (Bucky swears this used to come on a cone) for ‘’scientific purposes’’, and as soon as everything is settled, he opens it and takes a bit out, holding a small fluffy blue cloud out to each and every one of them until they’re all holding onto it in a circle. 

 

“On the count of three.’’ He says

 

“This feels like we’re about to do a demonic ritual’’ Bucky says

 

“I can countdown in latin’’ MJ offers

 

“Okay, let’s not do that’’ Steve opposes 

 

“THREE’’ Ned interrupts, sending them death glares, effectively shutting them all off before focusing his attention back on Wanda, who’s looking at the candy with a curious expression. “Two…One…Go!’’

 

So maybe its a little silly to eat cotton candy in a circle with a countdown, Bucky doesn’t care. It’s worth it just to see Wanda’s face light up, a soft gasp escaping her lips when the candy melts in her mouth. 

 

Bucky doesn’t remember the first time he ate cotton candy. He probably never will, probably wouldn’t even do even if Hydra hadn’t erased his memory, but he’s sure he sounded just like that, looked just like her with stars in his eyes, although he’s pretty certain he wasn’t nearly as graceful as her.  

 

He can see the ghost of his past self hovering over them, a tiny wild haired kid smiling with blue lips, a blue tongue and a sticky face. He wonders if Steve can see it too. He wonders if Steve knows Bucky choked this kid into oblivion way before Hydra had the chance to, way before it even existed, when Schmidt was still a teenager playing soccer in the street. Or finding squirrels to torture like a psycho or something, Bucky couldn’t tell you, he never actually met the guy. 

 

Steve can say whatever he wants about him, Bucky knows the truth. His first instinct was always to kill, to destroy everything that might end up hurting him in the end. And this kid was sensitive, sweet, weak. This kid liked hugs too much and cried too hard when he fell on the pavement and liked to brush his sister’s hair. This kid was just a tiny, tiny thing and people talked anyways, and his ma cried, so Bucky got rid of him. 

 

Or he thought he did. 

 

He doesn’t have time to think more on it, being taken into rides and rides of rollercoasters and rides that get only crazier as the afternoon goes by (although they are definitely safer than he remembered, he doesn’t know when people got this creative about it. Nobody needs to be upside down for that long).

 

Steve is definitely taking it better than he used to, although you’d think he wouldn’t be so green for a guy who used to regularly jump off planes. At least he hasn’t been sick.

 

Yet.

 

By the time the kids request some actual food, the sun is already starting to set, and Bucky doesn’t think they’re nearly done, not with the way the kids have been eyeing the game stands. He has a feeling he’ll end the night with his arm filled with very ugly prizes.

 

They decide to go get some Nathan’s and the kids pick a picnic table to wait for them while they go get the food. Peter and Wanda offer to come help carry everything but to be completely honest, Bucky needs a break so he waves them off and he and Steve head toward yet another line. As they get there, a phone camera flashes and Bucky’s shoulders go up instinctively, as they have been for the whole day because apparently Captain America at Coney Island is not something people see often and people take pictures to show others or something? He doesn’t really get it, although the teenagers did try to explain internet fame to him after the maybe 20th person tried to sneak a picture of them in the line. 

 

“Alright, that’s enough’’ Steve says and he snatches Bucky’s cap, putting it on top of his own head

 

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s gonna help, putting a cap with your shield on it on top of your head. That’s gonna help you go unnoticed’’

 

“Well maybe you shouldn’t buy caps with my shield on it then!’’

 

“I’ll have you know I bought this for me. Nobody notices when I wear a baseball cap with your shield on it, half of New York is buying stuff with your shield on it. But CAPTAIN AMERICA-’’

 

“Shut up!’’ Steve gasps, putting his hand on top of Bucky’s mouth to shut him up. “For both our sake shut up. I promise you don’t wanna do this. I‘ve just spotted a group of like 10 teenage girls with their phones out looking for me 20 feet north.’’ His friend add, raising an eyebrow challengingly and leaving his hand on Bucky’s mouth for another second (or was it an hour) before dropping it

 

“How do you know they’re looking for you? I don’t think wearing merch of yourself is doing you good, Captain Ego.’’ Bucky snarks with a smirk

 

“Fine then. Want me to go ask them? Hope you’re ready to be in about twenty pictures with your hair looking like you’ve put your tongue in an electrical outlet.’’

 

“Yeah? And whose fault is that, punk?’’

 

Steve rolls his eyes.

“Let me fix it’’ He says, raising his hand.

 

Bucky assumes that Steve is teasing. He assumes his friend is about to ruffle his hair, probably making it worse until Bucky pushes him off.

 

What he does not expect is Steve’s finger carding through his hair softly, a look of concentration on his face as he try to make Bucky’s hair look presentable again. 

 

He stops breathing, unable to tear his eyes away from Steve’s face, from the crease that forms between his brow as he looks over his work, as he lets his hand linger on top of Bucky’s head. 

 

Bucky is unable to feel anything else than Steve touch at the moment, unable to think past the gentleness of it. He barely stops himself from running after it when Steve’s hand finally drops. 

 

“Hey, you okay?’’ Eh asks and Bucky finally remembers to breathe

 

“Uh…yes?’’ 

 

Why did that sound like a question??

 

“Are you sure? You look tense.’’

 

“Yeah it’s just…the pictures. I’m nervous about the pictures.’’

 

That isn’t technically a lie. He’s not lying to Steve. 

 

Oh come on, what is he supposed to say anyways? ‘I like it when you touch me and it fucking terrifies me’? Or ‘Sometimes when you look at me I feel like I’m choking and your lips are oxygen and there's nothing I can do about it because you’re straight’? Even better, ‘Steve, there's something really really wrong with me and you can’t touch me like that or my thoughts might make me burst into flames and drop to hell right here, right now’?

 

Yeah no, he’ll settle for the picture thing, thanks.

 

“Sorry about that. I should’ve planned better. I’m just tired of having to hide everytime I go outside.’’

 

“Don’t apologize because people are inconsiderate pricks. You shouldn’t have to hide, you did nothing wrong. People need to start letting you live your life.’’

 

“Hopefully they’ll be fed a while now. Gave them two public outings in one day’’

 

“They bother you at your date??’’

 

“At first. Paparazzis found me, and believe me they're much worse than regular fans, it’S pretty horrible. But then Sharon threatened to find their mom’s number and tell her how rude they were being and it didn’t stop until Sharon started actually calling their mother in front of them and then after that they spread out. I think it was more out of fear that it took her less than 10 minutes to find all of their personal informations but one mother actually showed up at the restaurant and it was pretty terrifying so I guess it might've been the mother thing.’’

 

“I’d leave if she called my ma’’

 

“I’d leave if she called you ma, too.’’

 

Bucky laughs at that, even though the reminder of his mother still hurts. His mother was fierce, stubborn and , yes, extremely frightening when she was mad, but she was also loving and caring. Truth be told, he’d give anything for Sharon to call his mother. 

 

He hates that his thoughts drift back to her again, as they have been doing since he learned Steve went on a date this morning. He doesn’t need much to ignite it, just the sight of a couple holding hands or kissing, or even just laughing. The way their body seems in communion with each other, answering to the other’s call, like a dance. He spent the whole day wondering if Steve and Sharon are gonna be like that. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to take it if they do.

 

He can’t help but notice that Steve’s body already does that dance, and knows it by heart. Not with Sharon’s, with his. 

 

Of course, that means nothing, it’s just something that they learned to do after years of spending everyday together, of relying on each other. Still there's something petrifying about sharing that part of Steve with someone, something that makes him want to tear his hair out of his head and lock Steve inside of a room. 

 

Of course he would never do that.

 

Probably not. 

 

The conversation is easy for the rest of the line, and it is Steve who orders when they actually get to the counter, not because he really wants to but because Bucky’s forte is definitely not social interaction, and they both know it. Bucky thanks him with a nod, then leans his back on the counter so he can keep an eye on the kids while their food is getting ready. 

 

They are all hunched up around MJ, who is showing them something on her phone. Something funny, based on their reaction.

 

“I’m sorry?’’ Someone says and it takes Bucky a second to realize they’re talking to him. He drags his eyes carefully from the kid to the man in front of him, who offers him a shy smile once their gaze finally meet. “Hi. I’m Ben. Short for Benjamin, but nobody calls me that’’ he says

 

Bucky assesses the guy for threat quickly, but he’s not very tall or muscular at all, and he’s not holding any weapons or wearing clothes that Bucky wouldn’t be able to identify weapons under, so he relaxes rather swiftly, suspicion turning into curiosity.

 

“Hi?’’

 

“I’m sorry’’ The guy apologizes again. “It’s my friend, they told me I should-’’ He winces, waving his hands towards a group of people in the background, looking at them with smiles on their faces.

 

Bucky frowns, confused, but when the guy turns back towards him again with a somewhat desperate look on his face, his lips can help but curl up in amusement. He reminds him of Steve, the old Steve, and he seems to be genuinely struggling. He doesn’t seems to be old, maybe mid 20’s, and Bucky feels the same desire to help he always felt when he looked at Steve back then too, so he cocks his head and speaks again.

 

“Can I help you with something?’’

 

‘Ben’ sighs and look up to the sky as if he was asking for help before looking back at Bucky.

 

“I was wondering if you had a number. Well, no, wait, I said that wrong. You probably do have a number, what I meant was, can I have it? Oh my God I’m sorry that was horrible. I don’t want to assume you’re into men, but its just I noticed you today and my friend noticed that I noticed you and- Oh no I’m rambling, this is a nightmare, make it stop please.’’

 

Bucky wants to be offended, or mad, or frustrated that people keeps assuming he’s gay, like he’s giving off some kind of scent of something, but he feels like he’s looking right through a window and into the past,and he can’t muster anything other than amusement at Ben’s antics. 

 

The guy doesn’t look that much like Steve at all, with fluffy brown hair and hazel eyes, but it's something about the way he talks, and moves, and maybe even something about the way he looks at Bucky that makes him pause. The words come out of his mouth before he can even register them, before he can even think about what they mean for him, and for everyone else, and the way they’ll make him look. No, that shame will come later, he knows that, but for now his mouth is no longer within his control. 

 

“If I give you my number, will you stop talking?’’

 

“Yes’’ the other guys blurts out immediately in agreement and Bucky snorts, which isn’t a very attractive sound he now realizes, but who cares if the sound is attractive. 

 

“Okay’’ Bucky says, holding out his hand for Ben’s phone, which he gives him without hesitation. 

 

Bucky looks at the screen for a second, wondering what he’s doing. 

 

He can’t give this guy his phone number. He can't do that, can he? He’ll ruin him. 

But then he thinks of the couples he saw today, of the way he craved Steve’s hand on his head the same way someone would crave water in the desert. He thinks of the fact Steve’s hand will never be his to hold or that Steve’s lips will never be his to kiss and Bucky doesn’t need love but goddamn maybe he wants it, and if that guy is willing to give it to him, is it so wrong to take it? 

 

He knows he doesn’t deserve that. He knows he’s a horrible person who’s done horrible things because he’s been repeating that mantra to himself in his head every second of every day. But Bucky’s been out of the ice for a long time now, too long, and like every frozen thing he’s starting to thaw. He’s not the Winter Soldier anymore, he’s not , and for once he wants to feel like a person. Maybe have a conversation with someone who doesn’t find it hard to look at him, who doesn’t see the list of people he killed every time he enters the room. And he sure as hell refuses to be bitter about Steve’s happiness. So maybe he should find his own. Nothing wrong with trying, right?

 

He types his number.

 

“Buck, you’re gonna help me carry this or what?’’ A voice calls over his shoulder and he turns to find Steve, looking at him angrily and gesturing toward the counter.

 

“Duty call’’ Bucky says, nodding to Steve and handing Ben his phone back.

 

“Holy shit, is that-’’

 

“Hey, you said no talking.’’ Bucky says with a smirk and Ben’s mouths shut

 

He smiles, miming himself zipping his lips and raising his hands up in a cheesy way that makes Bucky snort again (he has to stop doing that) before walking back to his friends, looking back a few times awkwardly while Bucky shakes his head and goes to help Steve.

 

“Who was that?’’ Steve asks grumpily while Bucky grabs the rest of the food on the counter, and Bucky raises an eyebrow.

 

“A fan. Gave me fifty bucks to try and take pictures of your feet. Said he’d give me an extra fifty for every Avenger I could manage.’’

 

“Bucky.’’ Steve says in a warning tone, not even bothering to pretend to laugh.

 

“Did someone snuck a stick up your ass when I was busy or something?’’

 

“Bucky!’’

 

“It’s just a guy okay? Why are you mad anyways? I thought you wanted me to try and be more social’’

 

“I just don’t want you talking to any strangers. There are some weirdos out there.’’

 

“I don’t need you to protect me, Steve. If anything you should be worried for him .’’

“Worried for who?’’ Peter asks, as they reach the table, putting the food down in front of the kids.

 

“Nobody’’ Bucky answers and Steve  nods in agreement as they sit down.

 

His phone buzzes in his pockets almost immediately and he checks it, expecting a message from Clint.

 

Unknown number: 

[Does this count as talking?]

[Just checking]

 

[No]

 

[ :) ]

[If my friends ever ask, you have to tell them I smooth talked you into giving me your number]

 

[You did talk me into giving you my number]

[It just wasn’t very smooth]

[At all]

[It was more the talking part, really]

 

[I’m so sorry, I know. I’m clueless about this stuff, seriously]

 

[Me too]

 

That’s the understatement of the century, but Bucky’s not about to tell the guy he hasn’t flirted with anyone in 70 years. 

 

“Who are you texting?’’ Peter asks and Bucky snaps back into the conversation

 

“Huh?’’

 

“Texting? Who are you texting?’’

 

“A friend’’

 

Peter frowns

 

“Clint?’’

 

“No’’

 

“Shuri?’’

 

“No’’

 

Peter eyes Steve confusedly, especially his hands, who are not holding a phone. Steve’s is very tense, and very silent beside Bucky, seemingly lost in thoughts.

 

“Peter, I have more than three friends.’’

 

The kid cocks his head but doesn’t ask more questions, probably sensing that now wasn’t the right time. They eat quickly, the teenagers in a rush to go back after waiting so long. 

 

They walk from stand to stand, Bucky paying an amount of money that would probably have bought him a house back in the 40’s, but the look on the kids face is worth it, and every time they win something they hold onto it proudly, and it makes Bucky all warm inside to see that they’re unashamed about their youth. 

 

Steve is quiet. Not leaving but also not really there either. Bucky wonders if he’s tired, if maybe this day was too much for him. Steve never liked attention too much, and these people have been shoving it in him since this morning. Bucky gives him so space, but watches over him, sending glares to anyone who approaches. 

 

He must still be somewhat scary, because people stay behind, and Steve relaxes slightly after a while, although not completely. 

 

“We should go home.’’ Bucky says after a while of this, because he’s not about to force Steve into another hour of being uncomfortable. “Park is gonna close soon anyways’’

 

“We have to do the ferris wheel first’’ Steve says and Bucky turns to him, eyebrow shooting up.

 

Okay so maybe Steve doesn’t want to go home after all

 

“Yeah, we can’t leave before showing Wanda the view from all the way up there’’ Peter says and Bucky agrees, because he does love the ferris wheel. He thinks.

 

They head this way and of course the kids all wind up together while he and Steve have to get their own cabin. The guy takes one look at them before moving the cabin to the next one, not even bothering trying to fit someone else. Bucky’s glad. He has to admit being in close proximity with other people in a sky prison didn’t seem like the best.

 

That means two things ,though. First is that Steve and him sat on the same side of the cabin for no reason, and now are both very awkwardly aware of that fact and yet still not moving. The second thing is that this creates a weight imbalance in the pod, which is widely tilted on one side, and they are also both ignoring this. 

 

Bucky doesn’t know why. Maybe Steve don’t want to have to look at him right now, or maybe he’s just waiting for Bucky to move and is wondering why he’s not saying anything. Or maybe Steve likes the warmth too, and is feeling just as nostalgic as Bucky as the wheel keeps bringing them higher and higher. 

 

“It was yours. The advice’’ Steve interrupts the silence and Bucky turns to look at him, confused

 

“What?’’

 

“The dating advice. You said I took Tony’s over you but its not true. It was yours. You gave it to me back in 35.’’

 

Bucky frowns, trying to remember, he knows theres something there, something foggy.

 

“I don’t remember.’’

 

“It’s okay.’’ Steve reassure him. “You organized a double date for us. My first date, and I was 18. I felt clueless and too ashamed to ask for help and you knew, I don’t know how you just always did, and you gave me the advice without me having to ask.’’ 

 

Bucky closes his eyes and really focuses and the fog, because this seems important. Something in Steve’s voice that’s almost begging him to remember. 

 

He finds it.

 

They’re laying in bed, trying to fall asleep. It’s winter, and the apartment is cold, so they piled up their two blankets and a few cots to make sure their body warmth wouldn’t escape.

 

It works, for the most part, and Bucky barely feels cold. Steve’s nose is red tho, and Bucky would tease him about it, or hold him closer to make sure he doesn’t catch a cold, but Steve is fidgety tonight. 

 

Bucky sighs

 

“I can hear your mind racing from here, Rogers’’

 

“I’m just…’’ Steve starts, face wrinkling and then it's his turn to let out a sigh. “Nevermind.’’

 

Stupid pride. Bucky had been waiting for this one ever since the girls agreed to the double date and he came home all happy with the news and Steve looked like Bucky had just told him he volunteered him to jump off the building and do a salto. 

 

Bucky knows Steve gets nervous about girls. It’s adorable to see when he stumbles upon his words and looks at them with his terrified big blue eyes and he honestly doesn't know how anyone ever resists it, but apparently it's not working for the ladies. Pretty stupid, if you ask him.

 

“You gotta dress up.’’ Bucky says and Steve blinks at him, but doesn't talk. “But not too much. You don’t want them to think you’re trying too hard. You have to be almost casual about it, like you made an effort but you also have other things to do, you know?’’

 

Steve nods.

“And you have to smell good. I’m serious, this is very important. You can’t smell like nothin’. Or else you’re forgettable. And cologne makes dames all giddy, don’t ask me why.’’

 

“Okay’’ Steve whispers.

 

“I’ll let you borrow some of mine, if you want’’ Bucky says

 

“But then we’ll smell the same’’ Steve says and Bucky looks down at them under the same blankets, in the same bed, and it feels silly to worry about something like that when Steve’s nose is red.

 

He snuggles closer to Steve, tucking his head beneath his chin to fit them like puzzle pieces. Steve nuzzles into his neck, probably subconsciously, and his nose is cold and Bucky goddamn knew it. 

 

“Who cares?’’ He asks

 

Steve smiles against him and Bucky smiles too and he waits until his friend’s breathing becomes deep and settled before pressing a quick kiss to the top of his hair. He hope Steve’s mind can feel it even in his sleep, that Bucky is there and Bucky has his back and that any woman would be lucky to have him, even tho Bucky would rather die than to see Steve get married and to know they’ll never cuddle for warmth again.

 

Bucky tightens his grip around his friend and sighs into his hair and breathes him in.

 

Bucky keeps his eyes closed even as the memory fades, but he fakes a little smirk to fool Steve.

 

“I don’t remember saying anything about expensive watches’’ Bucky says and Steve breathes out a laugh.

 

“Yeah, Tony did veto a few things.’’

 

“Well,’’ Bucky says, eyes opening again. “You look good. And you smell good. That’s 2/2 Rogers, I think you’re gonna get the girl’’

 

Steve stares at him but when he smiles, its small and its sad and it makes Bucky's heart squeeze in his chest

 

“Maybe’’

 

“...Do you wanna get the girl?’’ Bucky asks, confused, because Steve’s miserable expression makes no sense with what he said about the date

 

“I don’t know what I want’’ Steve admits, and he has that look in his eyes again, the same as earlier, searching Bucky for something he cannot figure out. “Do you know what you want?’’

 

Yes, Bucky knows what he wants, even if he doesn’t know why Steve is asking him that, or if he’s implying anything. His eyes look down to Steve's mouth for a second, a flash, and then he turns away entirely, pretending he’s looking at the view when in reality, he just needs to look at anything else than the man sitting beside him. 

 

“No’’ Bucky says but it sounds more like a croak. “I guess I don’t, either.’’

 

“Okay’’ Steve whispers at the back of his head, and he sounds exactly like he did in Bucky’s memory just then.

 

The air is so heavy Bucky has trouble breathing, it makes him dizzy. The back of Steve’s hand presses against him, probably because he noticed him struggling and was trying to help, unaware that this just made everything a thousand times worse. 

 

Lucky for Bucky, the ferris wheel is coming to an end, and he almost jumps out of the carriage as it reaches the lower level. 

 

The ride home is made in silence, Wanda sleeping in the back of the car after they dropped off the other kids (and emptied a trunk full of horrible stuffed toys). Steve doesn’t try to talk or to fill the silence with music, not because the silence is particularly comfortable right now, but most likely because he can feel Bucky’s energy. 

 

He doesn’t know what's wrong with him. Maybe his therapist is right and maybe he’s not doing so good. Is he projecting or is all of this real, is Steve looking at him like- No. No. 

 

Fuck, Bucky is losing his fucking mind. 

 

He sleeps in his own apartment that night.

 

Grave mistake.

 

It makes him the very last person to know about the article, the day after, when he walks into the kitchen and everyone is there but Steve, and they’re all looking at him like he’s a bomb about to explode.

 

“What?’’ He says, completely still, body frozen with the thought that something happened to Steve.

 

You weren’t there.

 

That is, of course, until Clint grabs a newspaper on the table and throws it at him, instructing him to look at the front page. 

 

There’s two pictures side to side on the paper. One is of Steve and Sharon laughing at the restaurant, Sharon’s fingers stroking Steve’s on the table. The other one is Steve and Bucky, in the line of Nathan’s , Steve’s hand going through Bucky’s hair. Bucky look positively starstruck in the photo, and he curses himself silently. No wonder everyone knows he's into men.

 

The title, in large bold letters, announces

 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IN NEW YORK? 

learn all about the Captain’s two dates yesterday 

 

“Holy shit” Bucky says, looking down at the paper, where his and Steve's face are shown very clearly. 

 

“You can say that again, Buckaroo” Tony says and Bucky doesn't even bother glaring at him for the nickname

 

“We weren't- It wasn't-”

 

“We know, we know” Clint says. “Steve already told us. He was the first one to be told this morning. He's dealing with all the PR bullshit right now. This one is the nicest one, theres much- OW BRUCE?! That was my foot!”

 

Bucky cant' breathe, unable to tear his eyes from his face, from his starry eyes that made whoever took the picture the idea that Steve and him were dating.

 

Everybody’s gonna know. They will. 

 

And because of him Steve is gonna- they'll think he's-

 

Bucky's gonna throw up. He turns back around and goes straight back into his apartment, where he can't cause any more damage, ignoring the others calling his name.

 

Fuck

Chapter 16

Notes:

Okay guys!!
This one is an important one, quite literally a turning point (not that we're any closer to them dumbass stopping their messing around but anyways)

TW: homophobic slurs and suicidal ideation (very very light)
Hope you like ittttt

Alright so Bucky is panicking now

 

Full blown panic. 

 

It was bad enough the whole team seemed to know he liked men. Horrible, but he could live with it. 

 

But the world? The whole world?

 

Nope. Nope. Absolutely not. That is not okay.

 

And Steve. Fuck, Steve was gonna hate him. Probably already does.

 

If Bucky ruined Steve’s chances with Sharon he’s gonna swim straight back to Wakanda and never show his face again. 

 

Maybe they’ll freeze him again if he asks.

 

He’s been sitting in front of his bedroom door for what seems like hours now. He’s pretty sure he’s being watched from a room somewhere, but FRIDAY has been suspiciously silent, so maybe the systems are down. Or maybe they have more important things to deal with than his little freak out. 

 

Good. He needs to be alone right now. He needs to think, make a plan.

 

The problem with that is that everytime he closes his eyes all he sees is the stupid fucking picture. It's a good picture. Too good. If it was bad or blurry or with a weird angle, then they could try to pretend. But this is a good picture. 

 

He took it with him to the room. It was an accident, he didn't even realize he was still holding the paper until it tore from between his fingers and gave him a papercut. That healed within minutes, but for a second it brought him back to where he was, back to what he was holding between his hands, back to that stupid fucking picture. 

 

It’s not even like they’re doing anything wrong. Steve’s fingers are only carding through his hair, they’re still standing at a respectable distance and Bucky’s own hands are frozen by his side. They could easily deny it meaning anything. It didn't mean anything .

 

But it's out there now. It’s out there, and no matter what they say people are gonna talk. Bucky knows how doubt seeds settle and grow, Hydra planted so much of these they basically invented it. 

 

Bucky hates whoever took that picture. He hates them, and he wants them fucking dead.

 

He rams his head softly against the wooden door behind him in hopes it makes an idea magically appear into his mind, but it doesn't, so he does it again. And again. And again. And again. He does it until there's nothing but dull pain and the sound of his head hitting the wood. Until a buzzing sound in his pocket distracts him.

 

He stops breathing for a second, in anticipation. It might be Steve.

 

It isn’t. It’s just one of those stupid reminders to eat that Steve asked FRIDAY to put into his phone every day. They’ve been helpful, but Bucky hates that it means he’s been here from breakfast up till lunchtime. Hates that this has been out for half of a day, and his best friend still hasn’t tried to talk to him at all. His mouth tastes like bile again.

 

He stares at his phone screen for a second, knowing that he’ll probably regret what he’s about to do, and yet aware that he’ll do it anyways. 

 

He opens Google. 

 

Types Captain America.

 

And hit search.

 

The first few articles he finds look rather innocents, much like the one he’s been shown earlier. Gossip magazines, all mostly bullshit.  

 

The rest is not as nice. 

 

Theres a lot of hateful things on the internet. Bucky’s been warned about those, especially when Tony insisted to make him a Twitter account, and then forced him to go through an actual class of what not to say on there, and what to ignore, and how it works. By the time he was out of there, Bucky had not wanted to use Twitter at all. Who wants to use a platform where Nazis can just write stuff about being Nazis and you’re not supposed to say anything about it (or to find them and shoot them in the head)?

 

But Bucky is curious. Always has been. And this is different, this is about Steve . 

 

Needless to say he should’ve left his phone tucked safely in his pockets. 

 

There's nice things. There’s people supporting Steve and saying how happy they are that their icon is queer like them. 

 

There's also people telling Steve he should give up the shield. That he should be ashamed. That he should die .

 

Bucky is taking mental note of these. Maybe he’s not allowed to shoot them anymore, but nobody would really care if he just paid a few people a visit, right?

 

Bucky’s just about to crush his phone between his hand after reading someone sayings that Steve should be hung publicly when a message notification pops up at the top of the screen

 

Unknown number:

 

[Hey]

[I forgot to ask your name]

[Which is completely crazy because if I’m gonna have to fight Captain America for a guy I’d love to at least know his name]

 

[You’re not fighting anybody for anybody]

[Me and Steve we’re just friend]

[He was fixing my hair cause he ruined it that all]

[It wasn’t even a date, we were babysitting a group of teens]

 

[Ok]

 

[Ok?]

 

[I believe you]

[I guessed that much actually]

[I mean you did give me your number right in front of his face so, that would've been weird if you guys were a thing]

[And my dad used to be a reporter, I know the media can get pretty nasty]

 

[Oh]

 

[Yeah]

[Can I get your name anyways?]

[Gotta put something else than hot guy Coney Island in my contact info since you only wrote your number yesterday]

 

Bucky thinks for a second. He’s pretty sure if that guy starts typing Captain America and Bucky on the internet he’s gonna get his whole life story, and that's not something he’s particularly interested in. Again, for once, he just wanna be a person.

 

He types.

 

[You can call me Jamie]

 

[Alright. Jamie. I like it. Is it a nickname for James?]

 

[Maybe]

 

[I can work with maybe]

[Now all I can think about is James Potter]

[I’ve always been more of a Remus guy but hey, everyone can change]

 

[You like Harry Potter?]

 

[Who doesn’t?]

[Please don’t say you]

[I might have to block you]

 

[I like it]

[I’ve just started it earlier this week, though. I’m at book 3]

[Isn’t Remus the teacher guy?]

 

[Oh boy]

[You’re in for a ride]

[You let me know whenever you start crying so I can help you through]

 

[Im not gonna cry]

 

[Isn't that what they all say]

 

[Im not]

 

[Okay, tough guy.]

[Just you wait]

[You gotta tell me whenever you’re done with the books anyways. Maybe we can do movie night]

 

[They made movies?]

 

[What do you mean]

[It’s like one of the biggest franchise in the world]

[You’ve never heard of Harry Potter movies?]

 

[...]

 

[Have you been raised by wolves? Or did you live in a cave for the past 20 years?]

 

Wow. That’s almost right, if you change raised by started over, wolves by psychopaths, a cave for a lab and 20 years for 70. So maybe it's not the same at all. Bucky tilts his head and thinks about his answer. He doesn't like lying, so he settles or something vague.

 

[Something like that]

 

[I’m not gonna be able to get any actual information from this conversation am I?]

 

[Probably not]

 

[That’s fine.]

[With what came out this morning I was 95% sure you wouldn’t even answer anyways so that was a pleasant surprise]

 

[You caught me at the right time]

 

[Lucky me]

Bucky stares at the message for a second.

 

No, this guy isn’t lucky. 

 

He has no idea that everything Bucky touches falls apart. That even this conversation is egoist of Bucky, that he’s being put in danger for the mere fact they’ve interacted twice. 

 

He knows he shouldn’t answer, should let the guy live a peaceful life thinking Bucky was just one of these asshole guys who randomly stops speaking to you. But he can’t bring himself to do it. He still doesn't know what to answer, deciding on just staring at the screen until another message pops up.

[I genuinely cannot tell if you’re being mysterious or if I’m just boring you to death]

 

[Not bored or mysterious]

[Just bad at text]

 

[Ok]

[Coffee then?]

 

[Cant]

 

[Yeah that makes sense, I bet you have a lot of stuff to do about this]

[Sorry I’m being very forward, aren't I?]

[Again, clueless about this stuff]

[I don't even know how I got this many words in, I’m usually pretty quiet if you can believe it]

[Oh no I’m rambling again]

[I swear this never happens]

 

[I’ll get coffee with you]

[Just not today]

 

[Did you just agree to go on a date with me just so I’d stop talking again?]

Bucky smiles, the familiar feeling cursing through him the same way it did yesterday. The way this guy is tripping over his words and yet refusing to give up. 

 

Steve was more of the quiet type when they went on double dates, but only because once he did start talking, it never ended well. Bucky can recall having to redirect the conversation plenty of times, and Steve being so frustrated with himself he’d come home telling Bucky he’d never go out again. 

 

Of course, Bucky knew Steve would still follow him anywhere with the right amount of coaxing and batting eyelashes, so he would only chuckle and tell him next time would be better (it never was). 

 

But this isn’t Steve, it’s Ben. Bucky shouldn't be comparing them. 

 

Still, the similarities make him feel like he’s finally where he belongs again. Here, he doesn’t have to be a wet cardboard version of Bucky Barnes. He can really just be whoever.  

 

So maybe he shouldn’t be so dry that this man is even doubting Bucky is interested in the conversation. Maybe he can try to be nice. 

 

He types.

[No]

 

[No to the date thing or to the talking thing]

 

[Talking]

[I think it's cute]

 

[Oh]

[Oh okay]

[Pleasant surprise #2]

[So just making 100% sure that I’m not currently having hallucinations, you did just agree to go out with me, right?]

 

[Yes]

 

[Wow, that was surprisingly easy]

[I thought I might have to bribe you or something]

 

[Would've been harder to bribe me]

[I’m expensive]

 

[I’m sure]

[I have to go now, but text you later?]

 

[Sure]

 

[Bye Jamie :)]

 

[Bye *waving emoji*]

Okay.

 

So maybe Bucky shouldn't have agreed to go on a date with a random guy.

 

He’s never been on a date with a guy before. 

 

The thing is, he’s petty. Like a whole nother level kind of petty. And he can hate himself all he wants, but all those people on the internet screaming that he shouldn’t exist, well it pissed him off.

 

So maybe he’s going on a date to prove a point. Who cares? People go on dates all the time.

 

So why does he feel ashamed? And terrified? And exhilarated? And a bunch of contradictory shit all at the same time?

 

God he didn't remember dates being such a big deal. Maybe because he knew it’d never go anywhere. Maybe because he knew he’d get home to Steve at the end of it. 

 

And look where that got him. Where that got Steve.

 

On the first page of a fucking newspaper.

 

No, enough is enough. He won’t let himself pollute Steve’s life any longer. He’ll keep a safe distance from now on. Just far enough to still have his back if anything happens, but not close enough to do him any harm.

 

A proper little sniper.

 

A sound coming from the ceiling starles him away from his thoughts, and he freezes, tilting his head to the side slightly to see if he can hear it again.

 

As if on cue, the sound repeats itself, a sort of crawling that gives Bucky goosebumps.

 

He slides himself up the door silently and flexes his muscles quickly, just enough to wake them up, and then he locks his eyes on the ceiling, specifically on the vent. 

 

He thinks about the bathroom, at his now missing mirror, and he wants to fucking throw something. What a waste of a perfectly good weapon, and for what, a fucking mental breakdown?

 

Guess his arm will have to do. It’s never let him down before. 

 

The crawling starts again and Bucky feels the soldier mindset creeping its way back into his mind, the stone cold detachment. He feels himself becoming a creature of death again. His arm wires almost excitedly, but Bucjy can feel the rest of his body filling with dread. He’s been unfrozen too long, he’s gotten weak again.

 

He doesn’t want to kill anymore.

 

He’s so exhausted.

 

The crawling is getting dangerously close to the vent now, and Bucky entertains, just for a minute, that maybe he should just let it happen. Of course, that would only work if hydra was trying to kill him, and not get him back. He’ll never let himself be caught again. He tenses.

 

Then there's a bang.

 

“Ow, what the fuck’’ Clint’s muffled voice comes out of the slits of the vent, and it takes Bucky a few seconds to understand that he’s not in danger, and that his friend is fucking crazy.

 

“Barton, are you in my ceiling?’’Bucky growls and there's a beat of silence befire the other answers

 

“Maybe’’

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake get down here!’’

 

“ I’m trying ’’

 

“What do you mean you’re trying? Are you stuck?’’

 

“I’m not stuck, it's just a weird angle.’’

 

“Probably because IT’S NOT A SPACE MEANT FOR HUMANS’’

 

“Hey, don’t scream at me, you’re the one with the weird vents!’’

 

“I have normal vents!’’ Bucky shouts, trying not to imagine how ridiculous he must look right now.

 

“No you don’t!’’

 

“What, you’ve tried everyone else’s?’’

 

“...’’

 

The silence is loud

 

“No way. Barton, you’re a weirdo’’

 

“It’s not weird, I’m watching over my friends. And they all know, they just don’t care!!’’

 

“Okay so you’re all weirdos then!’’

 

“You’re one to talk’’ Clint says, pushing the vent covers and dropping out of the ceiling in one swoop, landing far more gracefully than you’d expect from someone who was stuck there two seconds ago. 

 

“I don’t hide in people’s ceiling’’

 

“You gave Loki the shovel talk for me’’

 

“I did not’’

 

“FRIDAY, can you pull out the recordings of-’’

 

“FRIDAY, you traitor, you snitched on me?!’’

 

“I am programmed to tell Sir about every conflict between team members’’

 

“Loki is not part of the team’’ Clint points out

 

“Neither am I’’ Bucky adds

 

“As long as you are in the building, I am afraid I am not allowed to keep those things hidden from Sir.’’

 

“But you’re allowed to lock him out of an entire floor for hours?!’’ Clint snarks and Bucky raises an eyebrow

 

“I am also programmed to make sure the residents of the Tower’s needs are met. It seemed to me what Mr.Bucky needed was peace and quiet.’’

 

“Wait, you guys are locked out?’’ Bucky asks

 

“We’ve been trying to get in for hours. I had to break my promise to Steve not to use your vents in order to reach you’’

 

“You could've just called’’ Bucky says and Clint gestures angrily at the ceiling.

 

“We tried . FRIDAY blocked everything. ’’

 

Bucky doesn’t miss a beat, head snapping up with renewed hope.

 

“FRIDAY, did Steve try to reach out?’’

 

“I am afraid not. I only stopped Sir and Mr.Barton from communicating with you.’’

 

Bucky’s shoulder hunch a bit, disappointed, but Clint doesn’t seem to notice, only scowling at the ceiling.

 

“Are you saying Bruce could've called?’’

 

“If you had attempted to contact Mr.Bucky through Mr.Banner’s phone, the communication would’ve gone through, yes’’

 

“Are you hearing this?’’ Clint asks, huffing. “Even the AI is playing favorites.’’

 

Bucky doesn’t answer, the feeling of exhaustion refusing to leave his body, taking its hold and making him frankly unable to care right now. He only stares at the blank screen of his phone. There should be a call. There should’ve been a call hours ago.

 

“Hey, Bucky, are you…’’ Clint starts saying but he seems to change his mind once Bucky’s eyes lift up from the screen to focus on him again. He must look truly pathetic, because there's something like compassion in the other’s eyes. Or maybe it’s just pity. “I wanted to apologize’’

 

That takes Bucky by surprise enough for some curiosity to light up whatever’s left of his ability to give a shit.

 

“Apologize?’’

 

“Yeah. After you left earlier, Bruce got mad. Like seriously mad. Like a little bit green mad, to the point where I got scared we’d have a much bigger problem than press, especially since Nat isn’t near to work her magic. I’m not kidding, dude’s got serious anger issues, and if Tony wasn’t there I’m pretty sure I’d be a splat somewhere right now.’’

 

Bucky almost lets himself get distracted by the thought of angry Bruce (which he cannot even begin to imagine) but he knows he’ll probably be here all day if he doesn’t speed up Clint’s road of thoughts.

 

“Is there a point to this?’’

 

“Yes, there is. Before Tony was able to calm him down, he said a bunch of angry stuff. A whole lot of it, weirdly creative at points too, but the ones that stuck the most were pretty simple. He said I was an ‘insensitive asshole’ and an ‘inconsiderate little bitch’. And of course at first I was like, what the hell is he on about, you know, it's not like I’M the one that took the picture, but then-’’

 

“Clint.’’

 

“ But then ,’’ Clint insists. “I thought maybe he was right. You know when you walked into the room I guess I just really wanted you to know, cause I thought it was important, so I threw the newspaper at you. And maybe throwing stuff is efficient but it doesn’t mean that I should do it to announce to you that the whole world thinks you and your best friend are gay for each other.’’

 

“ Clint .’’

 

“SO I just wanted to say sorry. I was a bad frie- colleague. Team member? Whatever. I was a bad one. Sometimes I don’t really think before I act, and I didn’t mean to stress you out, or hurt you.’’

 

Bucky blinks at him for a second.

 

“Did you travel a whole floor through vents just to apologize to me?’’

 

“Uhh, yes?’’

 

This is stupid. It shouldn’t make Bucky feel like he might tear up. He shakes his head.

 

“You’re an idiot. Not a bad friend , but really, so much of an idiot.’’

 

Clint shrugs, lips curling up

 

“I’ve been called worse just today , you’re gonna have to do better than that.’’

 

“Wait until I ask FRIDAY to pull out that recording’’

 

“Please don’t’’ Clint whines, hiding his face in his palms and Bucky snorts.“I’m never gonna get Bruce mad ever again. It was so scary I swear’’

 

“He’s a teddy bear.’’

 

“He can turn into a green rage monster’’

 

“...he’s a teddy bear most of the time’’

 

“Technically you’re the one they made teddy bear of’’

 

“They’re called Bucky bears actually’’

 

“I’m sorry to interrupt this…insightful conversation, but it seems Captain Rogers is about to make a public statement on live television’’  

 

Bucky barely registers that the AI is being sarcastic with them right now, too stunned by what it just said.

 

“What?! But we haven’t even talked’’

 

“That is correct” FRIDAY says, unusally unhelpful 

 

“Can you play thestivestream on the living room television?” Clint asks in turn

 

“It is already playing” 

 

Bucky doesnt wait another second to bolt out of his bedroom, followed by a much calmer Barton.

 

“Don't be worried. Cap's got this.” He says, confident and relaxed and Bucky wonders how Steve does it, how he acquires everyone's trust so easily.  

 

Before he can answer, the TV switch from a man sitting at a desk to a woman in a crowded street, holding a mic. Bucky assumes she's a reporter, and as soon as she starts speaking, he's proven right.

 

“Hello, Dylan. I am indeed currently standing in front of the New York state capitol, where Captain America is about to make a statement about the pictures that were taken of him, on two different dates in the same days. One of his dates appears to have been a man, and New Yorkers seem to have a lot of differing opinions about this. Let's hear a few”

 

The image switch again, this time to a man with what seems like burn marks but not quite, all over his face. Bucky can't see the rest of his body, but the way it fades from his neck and into his shirt, it looks like it might cover his whole body. The shot is too close for him to be sure, but what he does see is that the man is looking excited like a child at Christmas.

 

“This is a dream. I mean, I've got a real shot at Captain America now, can you imagine? He's on my hall pass with Vanessa. Thats my girlfriend by the way, shoutout to her, babe I'm totally gonna do The Cap.”

 

“I like this guy” Clint chuckles

 

“Shut up” Bucky says, lifting the sound of the TV all the way up as the man starts speaking again

 

“Anyways, I'm just gonna say this, my gaydar’s never lied, that man is not straight ”

 

Gaydar??

 

Do they make radars for gay people now?? Is that how everyone knew about him???

 

Goddammit. That makes so much sense. He'll have to Google that later, no matter how ridiculous Steve thinks it is that he uses Google so much (it know everything and it doesn't even snark him like FRIDAY does)

 

Bucky doesnt have much more time to think on it before the TV pans to another man, completely different. He looks like just a regular guy, probably handsome usually, except right now his face is torn into something hateful.

 

“Thats not my Captain America! How could I ever feel safe in a country supposedly protected by a fag ?? You ever seen one of them fight? I wont be able to sleep until this disgrace gives away the shield that represents my country”

 

Barton stays silent this time, his relaxed stance switching to something more tense. Bucky wonders if Clint hates this guy as much as him. Bucky wonders if Clint is as tired as him of having to carry that much hate and anger around all the time. 

 

Steve’s team's job is saving the world, always putting other people above themselves, always sacrificing parts of their humanity in hopes those people will get to sleep in a warm bed at night. And this is what they get in exchange??

 

Maybe the world doesn't deserve to be saved.

 

The image changes again, this time to a girl. She cant be very old, not much older than 15 or 16. She doesnt look happy, or angry. If anything, Bucky sees worry in her eyes.

 

“I like Captain America.” The girl says, and her voice is soft. “I never met him, but he cares about people. I think a lot of us would be dead if he wasn't here. Maybe he's got super strength and he's fast and he kills bad guys but I also think people forget that he's just like us too in other ways. I don't really care if Steve Rogers is gay or bi or straight or anything. I think that he helped us plenty, and he doesn't owe us this part of him. If anything, we owe him support”

 

Alright so maybe Bucky spoke too fast.

 

The original lady comes back on the screen and Bucky is starting to get twitchy, standing in front of the TV and wondering why Steve is doing this, what he's doing and why he hasn't talked to him about it first. 

 

“So, as you can see, the citizen can't really come to an agreement on this matter. Oh, I believe the Captain is walking up to the stage now” she says and the camera pans from her to a little podium, clearly not made for a man as tall as Steve. Bucky can't help but think it'd still have been too tall for younger Steve.

 

He takes a few steps forward, getting so close to the TV he can feel the static coming off of it. If Clint minds, he doesn't say anything, not that Bucky would hear or acknowledge him anyway.

 

Steve looks, well, he looks uncomfortable. And Bucky knows it's not the clothes, because he's seen those Stark suits and he might or might not have tried Steve's spare out of boredom when he was alone in the apartment once. He knows they're very good. It's not the suit. Steve is nervous .

 

He taps the little mic in front of him a few times and clears his throat’ taking a deep breath in. Bucky feels his own nervousness growing more intense rapidly. He wishes he knew what was about to happen.

 

“Hello everyone.” Steve starts, and although you can tell it's not his scene, he’s still speaking clearly and decidedly. “I believe you all know why we are here, but if you don’t, let me jog your memory” he says and theres something almost like anger in his voice. Bucky would take another step closer if it wouldn't affect his ability to see the scene properly. “Yesterday, people took times out of their days to violate my right to a private life. Twice, as I was only trying to do regular activities, it has been ruined by the paparazzis’ awful lack of humanity. I cannot even begin to express how this makes me feel, and I hope that the next time you want to take a picture of someone without their consent, you remember that it could be you in their place, that it could be your life that is ruined next.” Steve says, and his face is so serious, his voice so authoritative that Bucky almost feels grounded, although this is clearly not meant for him.

“Not that you are deserving of any of those details,” Steve continues, “ but I was only ever on one date yesterday. The man you see in the picture is my friend, and nothing else. Men in my time used to be a lot more tactile than nowadays, and perhaps I have taken those habits into the modern world. I won't apologize for being affectionate to my friend. There is nothing romantic between me and him. What happened yesterday was… completely platonic.”

 

Nothing romantic.

 

Completely platonic.

 

Of course it was. Bucky isn't dumb, he knew this. It still hurts for some reason.

 

“This said,” Steve says, but he poses before he continues, raising his eyes to look directly into the camera. If he looked nervous at the beginning of the speech, its nothing compared to the look he sends their way. Steve doesn't look just nervous, he looks terrified. He's looking at the camera like he's afraid it might explode, or maybe like he wants it to. Bucky cant help but think this look is meant for him. It fils him with such dread his throat dries up immediately. By the time Steve looks back to the crowd and starts speaking again, he looks as fierce as ever, like it never happened “I wanted to bring up the allegations about my sexuality. I have been faced today with what are maybe the most violent threats and insult that have ever been told to me, which is unbelievable considering I have made a lot of very dangerous enemies in the past. Yet, none of them has been as hateful and evil as some of the things I have heard or read today.” Bucky shakes his head, hands clasping into fists by his side. “But I have also got a lot of love, and support. I want to start by saying I was always a supporter of the people that are different from the norm. There is nothing wrong about love, in any capacity. I would never judge someone for something that they cannot control” 

 

Bucky should have been expecting this, really. Of course, Steve would be supportive. He doesn't know why he would ever be scared in the first place

 

He expects even less the next thing that comes out of Steve's mouth

 

“And I hope I can be awarded the same kindness from you now.”

 

What

What does that mean??

 

Everyone seems to be wondering the same, shouting questions at Steve in a way that makes Bucky feel dizzy all the way from here.

 

“Does this mean you're gay?” a reporter shouts, louder than everyone and Steve clears his throat again, somehow keeping his composure although Bucky can see the red tainting his face 

 

“No, I am not.” Steve affirms and Bucky doesnt even have time to feel anything about it before his friend speaks again. “I am attracted to both men and women. I know you kids have fancy words for this stuff now but, I don't know if I am ready to label myself yet.”

 

Bucky feels like someone just punched him in the stomach. The air leaves his lungs so quickly it burns, and his eyes must be at least twice their regular sizes. On the screen, theres an uproar, happy people and angry people all mixing together. Bucky is pretty sure Steve says a few more words before being led back inside, but his ears are buzzing and he cant hear anything, cant even react to Barton’s hand squeezing his shoulder.

 

Steve likes men.

 

Steve. likes. men.

 

Steven Grant Rogers is attracted to men, and Bucky has been spending his whole life longing for him and thinking they could never be, that Steve would hate him if he even brought it up.

 

And now Steve drops this in front of the whole world, without even telling him first. 

 

He's so angry. At Steve, at himself, at the fucking asshole who took that picture and got Steve out of the closet, forcing Bucky to face the fact it was never because he was a man that Steve didn't want him. 

 

It was because he was him .

 

His phone buzzes with a call in his pocket. Steve's name is on it.

 

Oh, now he wants to talk??

 

Bucky throws the phone to the wall in one angry motion, so suddenly that even Clint is taken by surprise. The throw is so powerful that the phone crashes straight through the first layer and ends up sliding inside of it. 

 

Stark wasn't kidding when he said indestructible, because Bucky can still hear it buzzing from there. 

 

He turns around and leaves the room.

 

This is fucked. Everything is fucked.

 

Notes:

Gotta love how Bruce went: ''This one is traumatized. Must protect. Everyone take a step back (yes Clint he's looking at you)''

Don't be mad at me for the end of the chapter, things will get better (...eventually?)

ALSO
I've been reflecting lately and was thinking about getting a beta reader!
So if you're interested in seeing the work as it's written and giving your input on chapters before they're done and posted, lmk in the comments and I'll give you my insta so we can talk about it and for me to share the doc
(Ofc I'll give you shoutouts at the start of chapters you end up helping for if that is something you'd like!)

And one last thing I’ve also been toying with the idea of making a Steve POV of this story, which is pretty crazy considering I’m not even done with it but if that’s something you guys would like just keep me updated cause I think it might be fun to see the other side of this (Although I’ll probably wait till I’m done with this one first)

Chapter 17

Notes:

Alright guys here we go, lets get our drama on
Thanks so much to weird_Kayle for beta-reading this story!! Very thankful for the help

Bucky has nowhere to go. 

 

He realizes that a bit too late, about 15 minutes after he’s certain Clint lost his track. 

 

He has nowhere. No places that are his. 

 

The Winter Soldier didn’t have anything but Hydra. They needed him. Once he lost that, he had nothing.

 

James Barnes didn’t have anything but his family. They needed him. Once he lost that, he had nothing

 

Bucky doesn’t have anything but Steve. He was never supposed to lose him. He doesn’t want to. 

 

But Steve doesn’t need him anymore. He doesn’t even trust him at all­. He doesn’t even have to anymore, he has all those people that got his back. He couldn’t even trust him with this, found it easier to come out to the whole world than to tell him. 

 

He’s been trying so hard to be what Steve needed in the last few weeks, to be Bucky Barnes, because that’s all he’s ever done. Be a good brother, a good son, a good friend, a good lover, a good soldier. A good weapon . Always be what everyone needs, at all times.

 

Now he’s in an empty alley and he’s face to face with the fact that he doesn’t only have nothing, he is nothing. Without someone to need him, he disappears entirely. He chokes with it, with the despair of wanting to be, but not knowing where to start. He tries to exhale, but the only thing that comes out is a small, broken sob.

 

For the first time in a very, very long time, Bucky lets himself fall apart.

 

He has no home, no purpose, no identity. 

 

No expectations, no pressure, no lies.

 

He can let his emotions flood him now, in the safety of this empty alley. He has to, really, before they completely drown him. He hides himself between a brick wall and a big bin, knowing that no ones pays attention to those in the streets who are in distress, not in New York, and he just sobs. He cries until his throat his raw and his body is no longer shaking, cries for what seems like a eternity. By the time he is done, there is nothing left but emptiness and exhaustion inside of him. He just stares ahead.

 

It would be so much easier to forget again.

 

He feels guilty for thinking it. For wishing for this blank oblivion again. But he cannot help it. There's times where everything is just…too much. 

 

He knows he is found when he hears the footsteps. He knew it was only a matter of time, really, because there's no way the Avengers or the government would’ve let him out of sight for long. There's no way that Steve - No. There is no space for Steve in his head right now. Not when just his name makes Bucky’s heart race with cold rage.

 

There is such a thin line between love and hate

 

He lifts himself off the ground and finds the person behind the sound.

 

“You?’’ He says, tilting his head. 

 

He’d have expected Clint, Bruce, Tony, maybe Vision, but him?

 

“You had no rights’’ Loki snarls and Bucky sighs. 

 

So this isn’t about the Avengers or the government or the S word at all. How good are they really if they can’t even find him in a random alley? He focuses on the angry figure of the God standing in front of him and wonders how much more he can take. 

 

“What did I do now?’’ 

 

“You told my brother about Thanos.’’

 

“Not on purpose’’

 

“I do not care!’’ Loki says, taking a menacing step forward. There is so much anger burning in his eyes, if Bucky was a regular guy he’d probably shake in fear. But he’s not afraid of Loki, barely registers him as a threat, for some reason. “My brother has gone into a fight he cannot win, a suicide mission, all because I have misplaced my trust in you.’’

 

“I think you’re underestimating him.’’

 

“You do not know Thanos’’

 

“And you haven’t seen your brother’s face. I don’t think anything can, or will stop him’’

 

Bucky knows, because he has seen that stupid loyalty before. That devotion. There is very little to do about these things. It stings to remember he does not have them anymore. 

 

“Thanos is powerful’’ Loki insists, but there is doubt in his eyes now, maybe even hope

 

“So is your brother.’’

 

Loki takes another step closer. The air is so dense Bucky feels you could probably cut it with a knife

 

“If any harm comes to him…’’

 

“I know.’’ Bucky says. “I know.’’

 

“Good.’’ Loki adds in a voice that children probably hear in their nightmare, and honestly, good try cause that's almost good enough for Bucky to frown.

 

He has no doubt Loki will kill him if Thor gets hurt. He also has no doubt that Thor wont.

 

There is an awkward moment where Bucky can see Loki finally starting to pay attention to their surroundings. He crosses his arms on his chest and Bucky can see him fight against his curiosity, head tilting side to side slightly like he’s weighing his options. 

 

“This is not the Towers’’ He ends up saying

 

“Really? Damn, thanks man, I hadn’t noticed.’’

 

“Why are you here?’’ Loki asks, rolling his eyes at the sass

 

“You don’t like it? I mean, I know the smell is a bit much but I was planning on maybe putting the bed over there, maybe a desk once I move whatever’s dead in that corner…’’

 

“You are deflecting’’

 

“And you really didn’t choose your moment’’

 

Loki squints at him,looking him up and down suspiciously

 

“Should I ask?’’

 

“No’’ Bucky answers immediately

 

Loki hesitates another second before wrinkling his nose

 

“You look like a mess’’

 

Bucky looks back down at himself. He’s still dressed in his clothes from this morning, but his shirt is torn in a few spots from some tight places he had to go through in order to escape Barton (He is a quick motherfucker)

 

“I look better than you’’ Bucky shrugs, looking back up and Loki’s face doesn’t as much as twitch

 

“You wish’’

 

Bucky chuckles, or at least lets out a small pathetic try of a laugh, and the pain from his throat reminds him of what he was doing before Loki got here. His eyes wander to the little corner where he was curled a few minutes ago, shame filling his every pore. 

 

“You’re hurt’’ Loki says, snapping him back into reality.

 

Bucky had indeed hurt himself while running, and he has scratched his flesh fingers raw into the ground of the alley at the worst of his breakdown, but it’s nothing his healing factor can’t fix. Loki’s eyes aren’t fixed on his injuries though, they’re on his face. 

 

“I’ve been better’’ Bucky admits, wiping his injured hand onto his shirt, effectively drawing Loki’s attention to his physical injuries instead of the one he assumes the God was talking about. 

 

“I can get us to Stark’’ Loki says, taking a step forward but Bucky takes his own step back immediately. As much as the threats of violence did not make him move, the threat of kindness will not let him stay in place. What is it with these people? He does not deserve to be healed. “It is of no bother to me’’ Loki frowns, but he does not attempt to get closer again

 

Bucky shakes his head.

 

“The pain grounds me’’ He says simply, hoping the other won't be able to see through his lie.

 

The pain does not ground Bucky. In fact, he is in pain so much of the time that he barely feels it anymore. 

 

“Fine’’ Loki says, visibly frustrated. “Cover it up, at least.’’

 

“Why, you scared I might stain the concrete?”

 

“Well, you've already stinked up this place, so, wouldn't be that much of a stretch. Especially since we're apparently staying here a while”

 

“ We?? ”

 

“Don't make it a thing.”

 

“Wouldn't dream of it”

 

“Are you gonna cover it up or no? I know you want to play the homeless game but I promise it's already believable as is, there is truly no need to add infection to the list” 

 

“It’ll heal quickly.’’ Bucky assures him, but he does rip the bottom of his shirt to wrap around his injured fingers. It won't change anything in the long run, his body able to fight any infections, but it might settle down Loki. 

 

“You’re doing it wrong’’ Loki says, watching him from a distance but not walking any closer. 

 

“No, I’m not’’ Bucky argues, meticulously wrapping the fabric around his hands and tying it. 

 

“Yes, you are’’ 

 

“I’ve been trained by some of the most qualified doctors in the world.’’ Bucky insists.

 

“And that is very obviously training for emergencies. You wrapped it like a combattant would in order to survive the wound and still be able to fight.’’

 

“Who cares? It’ll be gone by the time the sun sets’’

 

Loki rolls his eyes and sighs deeply (so overdramatic)

 

“Why am I cursed to walk among stupid stubborn warriors-’’ He starts whispering under his breath, probably unaware that Bucky has super hearing, but he is interrupted by another set of footsteps coming up from behind him. 

 

Swiftly, he turns around and position himself closer to Bucky, in the more shadowy area of the alley, and takes a defensive position. 

“Easy’’ Bucky whispers, because he knows whoever is walking towards them doesn’t mean any harm. Loki doesn’t move, but his body does relax ever so slightly. 

 

“Buck?’’ An hesitating voice comes the person who’s hovering at the opposite end of the alleyway

 

Oh hell no. 

 

“Get the fuck away from here, Rogers’’ Bucky growls, and it sounds as cold and terrifying as he means it too. It’s broken glass, sharp edges and winter.

 

It’s hurt.

 

Loki tenses again beside him as soon as he hears his tone. Bucky can swear the temperature just went down a few degrees,too.

 

“Are you serious?’’ Steve asks, and his voice isn’t unsure or hesitant anymore. He almost sounds angry, which makes absolutely no sense considering he’s the traitor here. “You’re really gonna be mad about this?’’ He adds, taking a few steps forward until he’s close enough for Bucky to see his face. Yes, he’s definitely angry. 

 

Bucky grits his teeth. He doesn’t know if he's ever gonna be able to look Steve in the face again if he can't even own up to his assholery.

 

“Do you have something in your ears or are you just too stupid to understand simple sentences?’’ Loki intervenes when Bucky doesn’t answer. “I believe the message was clear enough. Leave.’’

 

Steve doesn’t even acknowledge Loki at all, furious eyes trained on Bucky’s face. 

 

“I thought you were better than this’’ He says and Bucky just… snaps.

 

It doesn’t take a second before he’s in front of Steve, and barely another breath before the guy is pushed up roughly against the brick wall, Bucky holding him by the throat with his metal hand, not hard enough to stop his breathing but hard enough to immobilize him.

 

“Fuck. you. Steve Rogers. Fuck you ’’ He snarls, holding the eye contact. 

 

Steve’s hands lift up to hold onto his wrist, but he doesn't pull, doesn’t try to break the hold. His eyes are drained of anger now, and the only thing Bucky can see there is that same bone deep exhaustion he sees when he looks at himself in the mirror. His breath hitch, and he lets go, breaking the contact and turning around to walk straight back into the street, to go somewhere else, anywhere else.  

 

“You said till the end of the line.’’ Steve talks at his back. “Not until it turns out I’m into men.’’

 

Bucky stops. 

 

What?

 

Steve cannot possibly be this stupid. Does he honestly think Bucky is dropping him because he’s not straight, and not because he went on to admit it to live television before telling him?

 

Good god, how has this man been alive for over a hundred years and yet still be so clueless?

 

Bucky turns around, slowly, making sure that his next sentence will be clear, because he wants Steve to hear it. 

 

“My whole life revolves around you, Steve. Even back then, it did. There's nothing, not even one good memory I have that you’re not in.You are the person I trust the most, the only person I trust, really. And I think, no, I know I used to be that person for you too’’

 

Steve frowns

 

“Buck-’’

 

“But you- You said you didn’t want me to go back to what I used to be. You said you liked me like this’’ Bucky interrupts him, pointing an accusing finger towards Steve, who looks more confused than anything. “But you lied. You lied. If I’ve found out one thing today, Steven Grant Rogers, it's that you trust the whole world first, and me second. I was in the picture too, Steve, I was involved in this, and you couldn’t even send a text? No, fuck this. Fuck you.’’ He repeats.

 

“So you don’t… hate me?’’ Steve asks, and he seems so small now, Bucky could almost mistake him from his old self. Except he never would’ve done this.

 

“Oh I hate you alright.’’ Bucky says. “But not because you like men. Because you’re a asshole lying piece of shit who said he saw good in me but then goes around to assume to fucking worst.’’

 

“It’s awful Buck, all the meetings and the press and the speeches. I just wanted to spare you.’’ 

 

“How stupid do you think I am?’’

 

“No I swear I-’’ Steve starts but when Bucky begins to turn away again, he takes a step forward. “Fine, I was scared, okay? Not because I assume the worst of you but because, I couldn’t tell you back then and then when you came back it didn’t seem like a priority and it just never came up. And then Clint said you reacted weird when he told you about gay people and I got scared, Buck. I was scared to lose you. I just don’t want to lose you. Not again. Never again.’’

 

Bucky freezes. He knows that feeling too well, understands more than Steve would know, because he feels the same. 

 

Bucky is a hypocrite. And also, apparently, unable to stay mad at Steve for more than a few hours at a time. It’s very annoying.

 

“I feel like I am missing a crucial amount of context here’’ Loki speaks, reminding Bucky of his presence at the same time, and saving him from whatever stupid thing might’ve come out of his mouth next.

 

“Why are you even here?’’ Steve snaps, obviously not in the greatest mood

 

“Same as you’’ Loki answers, unbothered, before nodding towards Bucky. “To scream at him’’

 

That was probably the worst answer he could’ve given, because Steve squares up and something protective comes over his features. He gets closer to Bucky.

 

“Is he bothering you?’’

 

Loki scoffs and Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“Yes. So are you, big guy. You’re both extremely annoying individuals.’’

 

“Ha. Ha. Very funny. ‘’ Steve says 

 

“I wasn’t joking’’ Bucky says, raising an eyebrow.

 

“What, are you done with the fighting already? I must say it was quite entertaining.’’ Loki says and Bucky shakes his head.

 

“It’s your fault, you interrupted it.’’

 

“Only because I would enjoy it more if I knew what was going on.’’

 

“Too bad.’’ Steve says flatly.

 

“The fights me and my brother have usually end up with us trying to kill each other’’

 

“With you trying to kill him, you mean?’’ Steve says

 

“Same thing’’ Loki says, waving him off and Bucky snorts. 

 

“It’s not-’’ Steve starts but Bucky interrupts

 

“Stop bickering.’’ He sighs, lifting his right hand to massage his temples, a headache thumping inside of his head from the rollercoaster that was today.

 

“Your hand’’ Steve says, reaching for Bucky’s wrist and pulling it back down before he can even reach his head. 

 

“It’s nothing’’ Bucky says, but he doesn’t fight it when Steve unfurls the fabric around it to take a closer look. 

 

“What happened?’’ Steve ask, turning his head to Loki suspiciously

 

“Don’t look at me! I’m the one who convinced him to do something about it!’’

 

“Nothing happened.’’ Bucky says, tugging so Steve will release him, but to no avail. His friend is inspecting the injury now. There's no doubt he’ll figure out what it is. 

 

Bucky can see the moment where it clicks that Bucky did this to himself. Steve lifts his gaze to fix it onto his. He still doesn’t let go of the hand.

 

“I’m sorry, Buck’’ He whispers softly and there's a pit at the bottom of Bucky’s stomach. He cannot talk, so he nods.  

 

Steve's eyes drift back to his hands, and he goes over it softly with his fingers the same way he did that morning when Bucky cut his hand with the mirror, except this time he doesn’t pull back. He lets Steve go over every inch of his broken skin, and when he shivers it's not because of pain. 

 

Steve lets go nonetheless, and his hand falls back to his side almost dejectedly.

 

“We need to get you checked up’’

 

“It’s gonna heal’’

 

“It’ll heal faster.’’ Steve argues and Bucky knows he can’t win against Steve once he puts his mind onto something, but he stays in place when Steve starts moving.

 

“Everyone at the Tower thinks I’m homophobic’’ He says, concern seeping into his voice

 

“How do you know what that means?’’ Steve asks, eyebrows lifting but not denying what Bucky said

 

“Clint taught me’’

 

“I can come if you want.’’ Loki offers. “I’m sure killing about 100 innocent people beats whatever it is you’ve done. They’ll be too focused on hating me to remember about you.’’

 

“I’m not sure that-’’ Steve starts

 

“Yes’’ Bucky agrees immediately, for two reasons.

 

One, he’s fairly certain that’s gonna work. 

 

Two, he’s also pretty sure that Loki is pretending he wants to stay to help him, when really he’s just lonely in Asgard. Steve has told him before what it felt like to sit by and wait while someone you love’s life is in danger. He couldn’t help back then, but he can now. 

 

Steve just sighs beside him, resigned, and they all head back slowly. The walk is silent, and awkward, and Bucky doesn’t know where to start, or what to think anymore. He’s lost in thoughts, unable to shake away the sour feeling that he’s lying to Steve, doing exactly the same thing he was blaming him for a few moments ago. 

 

So when they reach the lobby of the Tower and Loki offers to wait and make a dramatic entrance instead of cooking up with them, he says nothing. 

 

He doesn’t say anything either when Steve presses the button to the communal floor and they start to go up.

 

He only turns to Steve at the very last minute,when he knows the door is just about to open.

 

“I’m gay’’ He blurts out and he can see the visible shock on Steve’s face, the way his mouth falls and he gapes at him. He kinda wants to take a photo of it, because its funny and Clint is a bad influence, but it would probably be inappropriate, so he doesnt.

 

The elevator door dings open and Bucky walks out, leaving Steve still immobile in shock behind before changing his mind and turning again.

 

“I’m not announcing it on live television’’ 

 

“What are you not announcing on live television?’’ Nat asks, magically appearing behind him and making him curse her out in Russian

 

“Nothing. Aren’t you on a mission?’’

 

“I came back. What are you not announcing on tv?’’

 

“Again, nothing.’’ 

 

“Mhm’’ She says, head tilting and eyes drifting to Steve, who’s still looking at Bucky like he’s just told him his mother had a passionate affaire with Roosevelt, and definitely making his allegation of it being nothing sounding made up.

 

Bucky just shrugs and walks away, pretending his heart isn’t racing in his chest.

 

It’s the first time he refers to himself as a gay person. 

 

There is something relieving about it, something freeing in knowing that no matter what, Steve knows who he is now, that he will not die with this secret.

 

There is also something terrifying about it, about how real this makes it. About the fact that Steve now sees all of him, even the parts Bucky has refused to even look at for years. 

 

He doesn’t realize that he’s been holding his breath before Steve calls after him, and when he turns his head to look behind him and see his friend running after him, he can’t help but lets his lips curl up even so slightly.

 

“You can’t joke about these things’’ Steve whispers, making sure everyone is at a safe distance

 

“I never joke, Steven’’

 

“I don’t understand, all the girls.’’

 

“They were alright.’’ Bucky shrugs. “Back then I had to, you know, keep appearances.’’

 

“Why??’’

 

“I was living alone in an apartment with you, Steve. People talk’’

 

“Oh’’

 

“Yeah. It’s fine. I don’t have to do it anymore’’ Bucky winces.

 

He remembers some of the girls. He thinks he liked the flirting part, that was fun. Bucky always liked a good challenge. They always flirted back. 

 

The kissing wasn't always too bad either. Girls smell good, and they have soft lips. And kissing happens with your eyes closed most of the time, anyways. He could pretend.

 

The rest was…awful. Bucky always felt like a real shit after the fact, knowing he didn’t actually enjoy it, knowing that those girls were only a means to an end. Bucky tried to avoid getting there, but some girls were really insistent, and it was just weird if he straight up refused to do it. Suspicious. God knows Bucky and Steve couldn't afford more suspicion.

 

So he did it. He'd have to get significantly drunk every time, but it was worth it. For Steve, for his parents, for every one that cared about him. They didn't need the rumors, the drama. Bucky could handle it.

 

“You never told me” Steve says “I would've- We could've found a way”

 

“There was no other way, Steve.” Bucky says, and he raises his hand to squeeze Steve’s shoulder, the same way his friend has been doing since he got here, a contact he has learned brings comfort. “Don't beat yourself up over it. You didn't know. And I'm fine”

 

“Buck thats not-”

 

“Honeyyyy I'm homeeee” Loki's voice shouts right after the elevator door opens again, interrupting Steve and Bucky bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing and make it obvious that Loki's being extra dramatic on purpose. The rest of the team mustve heard the shout, because the chattering from the living room has gone dead silent, and Bucky can hear a few people getting up.

 

“What are you doing here?” Nat asks, still by the elevators and voice now completely devoid of the warmth it had a few moments ago.

 

“Visiting?”

 

“Where's Thor?” Bruce asks and Bucky sees the flash of hurt on Loki's face, but its gone as quickly as a blink

 

“I don't know. Who cares? I'm the funniest brother”

 

“Funny wouldn't be the word I'd use but then again maybe its just bad translation” Tony says

 

“So is that how it's gonna be?” Loki asks. “You all play nice when big scary God of Thunder is there but gang up on me when he isn't? I wonder what Thor would think”

 

“We tolerate you here because your brother is part of the team. Don't mistake that for something else” Bruce says 

 

“You're not welcome here without Thor.” Clint adds, but Bucky can see he's staying at a very very safe distance. 

 

“You're all so dramatic. I'm not gonna hurt anyone, I told you I'm just visiting”

 

“You don't have friends here.” Natasha says, still cold as a stone

 

“He's with me” Bucky finally speaks up, and the room gets dead silent. 

 

“You have got to be kidding me” Clint mutters to himself.

 

Bucky can feel everyone scrutinizing him. He wasn't there for the battle of New York, and although Steve has explained it now, he'll never be able to understand their loss, their fear. He knows him bringing Loki here isnt fair to any of them, but they can't claim to accept him and yet hate Loki all the same. That isn't fair to him either. He straightens his back.

 

“Okay so I'm gonna need someone to explain this to me because I thought you two were in a fight” Tony says, gesturing between them.

 

“Cant leave Barnes alone half a day before he makes friends with evil alien Gods” Clint says

 

“How is this my life now?” Sam says in the corner, and Bucky isnt even surprised to see him there. He'd assume if Steve didnt call him he'd called someone . He wasnt wrong.

 

“It's a love-hate situation” Bucky says.

 

“Not good enough” Natasha says, crossing her arms on her chest, tense as a bow. Bucky can feel the anger coming off of her in waves.

 

“He…understands me” Bucky says after a few seconds of hesitation and that gets her to uncross her arms. 

 

She tilt her head and look across the room towards Clint. They seem to have a whole silent conversation, which is kinda creepy, but by the time she turns back to him she doesnt seem so angry anymore 

 

“Fine, but bring him to your room. I dont want to see or hear him if there isn't also the sweet sound of thunder, we clear?”

 

“Clear as day” Bucky says, and he nods Loki towards the elevators again. 

 

That isnt exactly how the plan was supposed to go but Bucky cant say he's mad to have been grounded to his room. At least he wont have to explain himself tonight.

 

Before he can move, Steve grabs his bicep

 

“We'll need to continue this conversation later” He says, carefully choosing his words

 

“Fine” Bucky says, and Steve loosens his grip, but doesnt let him go. He leans in a bit closer.

 

“Are you gonna be okay?”

 

“We'll be okay” Bucky says

 

“Are you gonna come? Tonight?”

 

“I don't know” Bucky says. “Maybe”

 

Steve gives him a small, hopeful smile, that makes Bucky thinks maybe Steve needs it just as much as he does, and then he lets him go.

 

By the time Bucky walks inside the elevator, he can already hear Sam being all over Steve with whispered “how did it go” and “are you okay"s. It's sickening and its sweet and it makes Bucky want to punch a wall in frustration.

 

“Don't be jealous” Loki says once the door is closed “I can tell he likes you better”

 

“Shut up” Bucky says.

 

“I'm just saying”

 

Bucky gives him a death stare and he capitulates, lifting both his hands and staying quiet until the door opens.

 

“So whats the plan?” Loki asks and Bucky walks to the hole in his wall

 

“First is getting my phone out this wall” he says, lifting his sleeves, but before he can do anything the phone is flying back out of the hole and into his pocket

 

“Done. What now?”

 

Bucky's too tired to question it now.

 

“You play cards?” he asks instead

Notes:

Fun fact this chapter was originally meant to have Sam as the one who found Bucky so we can get some advancement on that friendship territory but after being asked (many, many times) I decided it was as good a moment as any to bring back our beloved Loki into the mix.

And thanks to weird_Kayle you get an extra sassy one as well, so everybody say thank you Kaylaaaaaaa

Chapter 18

Notes:

This one is a bit (lot) angsty but who's surprised at this point

ALSO TW FOR THIS CHAPTER
The flashback has some heavily implied SA, nothing clearly stated but tread carefully

 

Thanks again to weird_Kayle for beta-reading this chapterrrrr, a literal lifesaver

Loki does play (cheat at) cards. He also eats regular food (Bucky’s never seen someone eat so many grapes) and makes terrible jokes and pretends he doesn't notice Bucky eyeing the door every few minutes. Overall, he’s not the worst company. 

 

So, when he says he has to go, Bucky is almost disappointed. Almost. 

 

The sun has long since set, and nobody came to bother them. He didn’t even hear Clint crawling in his vents, so, they must truly be busy down there. Bucky’s gonna have to pretend he’s not curious, at least for tonight. 

 

He can’t imagine the ‘Captain America loves dick’ bomb was taken too well by the government. Or a lot of people, really. They’re really gonna have to be a team for this, and Bucky’s glad Steve has all these people to take the blow with him. 

 

Sometimes, he remembers what it felt like to be part of a team. He longs for it, for nights sitting around a fire, and the smell of bad whiskey, and falling asleep knowing that someone has your back no matter what, or staying awake because you know you are surrounded by people worth fighting for. 

 

He remembers the hurt, too. The slowly, painfully dying hope that they would come for him. The long long nights begging that they would, or begging that they wouldn’t, that they would stay safe, far far away from this place. 

 

Steve gave him a picture, a while back, when he was still in Wakanda. It was in black and white, nothing special, just a picture of them standing in a row, Steve in the middle. 

 

For days, Bucky couldn't stop looking at it. He’d trace it over and over again, with his mind and with his hands, memorizing every inch. The slight curve of Jim’s smirk, the way Gabe held his gun weird cause he’d hurt his wrist earlier and the way Dernier’s hair was ruined, most likely by Dum Dum right before the picture was taken, based on the way he was standing proudly and ignoring their teammate’s death stare. 

 

His own smile, the way he stood on Steve’s left, close enough for their shoulders to be pressed together, in a way that made them look like they were both the leaders. He’d remembered then how Steve always dragged him there with him, no matter what the photographer said. 

 

He’d stared at it for so long he’d forget what time it is, or what year, and he’d wake up in the middle of the night panicking and searching for them. 

 

T’Challa had helped him start a fire and put the picture in it, saying things about moving on and no longer carrying the pain of the past, but he hadn’t really listened. He had simply stared as it turned to ash, hoping for a relief that it didn’t bring. 

 

Bucky thought he’d miss the picture, but he didn’t. It didn’t fill the hole inside of his chest Bucky so desperately had wanted it to, anyways. It never would, nothing could. 

 

He wonders if Steve’s new team filled that hole for him, and where he stands in all of this. 

 

Its not fair for him to feel jealous. He does anyways. He doesn’t know if he’s more jealous of Steve, or of them, though.

 

Truth is, Steve was part of his team first, and Bucky’s never really been great at sharing.

 

It’s not like he can do anything about it, really. He supposes he can just keeping standing in the shadow and hope Steve never has to choose between hanging there with him or with them in the light. He knows too well what the answer would be.

 

His phone buzzes in his pocket, forgotten, and Bucky grabs it, curious.

 

It’s Clint

 

[Evil twin gone yet?]

 

[Yes]

 

[Sweet]

[Come downstairs]

[They’re making Halloween party plans]

 

Okay, so either this is a weird try as a ploy to get him downstairs, or these people got their priorities all wrong. The paranoid side of Bucky wanna say first, but then again he knows Tony Stark.

 

[That sounds like the last thing I want to do]

 

[I know, save me]

[He’s arguing with Steve about playlist :l ]

 

[You’d have to pay me]

 

[What if I forgive you immediately for making friend with my nemesis]

 

[You trying to guilt trip me Barton?]

 

[Is it working?]

 

[I hate you]

 

[No you don’t :) ]

Bucky audibly groans before starting to put his phone back in his pocket, but on a second thought he opens the screen up again and heads to his conversation with Ben.

 

He doesn’t know if he should write. They said they’d speak later and it’s definitely later.

 

Does later means later that same day or later in the week or something? 

 

Bucky’s overthinking this. He knows he’s overthinking this. 

 

He can’t help but thinking maybe Ben is waiting on purpose, that it’s somehow his turn to show interest.

 

The kind thing would be not to write, to let this die. 

 

He types anyways

 

[Hey]

[How was your day?]

 

Thats so boring. Bucky’s being so boring, but theres nothing more, no witty things to say, his mind is just completely blank. 

 

He’s already terrible at this.

 

He sighs, finally sliding his phone back in his pocket and heading back to the group. 

 

Clint is lucky Bucky really owes him one, cause the last thing he feels like talking about right now is Halloween. Especially since from what he’s heard, Stark is planning quite the party. 

 

Bucky hates loud spaces, and crowded spaces, and when people aren’t easily discernible, so a big loud obnoxious party with dozens of people wearing disguises sounds like his personal hell. Maybe this is karma.

 

Clint wasn’t kidding when he said Tony and Steve were arguing about the playlist. By the time Bucky reaches the room, Steve is standing up, hands on hip hips and annoyance practically radiating off of him, while Tony is angry rambling about how 80’s music is superior (again).

 

“You can’t plan a time travel themed party and not have any 40’s music playing!’’ Steve argues

 

“Says who?’’

 

“Says me!!’’

 

“You only like it cause you grew up with it. You know it's terrible.’’

 

“I could say the same about-’’

 

“Tututut, Cap. Don’t you dare.’’

 

“Oh I’m daring.’’

 

“I promise you don’t wanna go there’’ Tony says almost threateningly and Bucky clears his throat to make himself known, straightening his back and positioning himself very strategically behind Steve to make sure Stark can now see him.

 

Everyone is still sitting around them on the couches though, so Bucky assumes this either happens often or none of them are particularly worried about it. Nat is reading, head on Clint’s laps while he plays in her head absentmindedly, face lighting up when he hears Bucky. Sam is sipping from a drink, watching carefully as Pepper is showing him something on what Bucky recently learned is called a tablet (which is really just a phone with a bigger screen). The only one of them really paying attention seems to be Bruce, and he’s looking at the scene with a fed up expression on his face. His eyes slide to him when he makes himself known and theres something like worry in his eyes, and relief. He offers him a little smile. 

 

“Uh oh, the geriatric reinforcement got here’’ Tony says. “Someone call the nurse’’

 

“We should vote.’’ Steve says, ignoring Stark’s stab at Bucky but turning slightly to acknowledge him with a nod.

 

“Nuh uh. You only wanna vote cause your little buddy got here.’’

 

“That’s only two votes.’’ Steve says

 

“Not true. You also got the other loyal sidekick in the corner.’’

 

“Nope.’’ Sam says. “Sorry Cap, but 40’s music is kinda shit.’’

 

“Sammm’’ Steve whines “Come on’’

 

“I vote for 40’s’’ Nat says, eyes not leaving the page. “You picked a theme, Stark, you have to follow through.’’

 

“The theme says time travel, doesn’t mention anything about the forties. Maybe my time machine doesn’t go past the 80’s.’’

 

“That’s a pretty shitty time machine, then’’ Clint says. “I vote we do all the years’’

 

“That’s four for me, two for you, Stark.’’ Steve says, barely hiding how pleased he is. He always did love winning

 

“Pepp?’’ Tony asks

 

“Sorry Steve, he’ll get pissy if I don’t choose his side.’’

 

“I totally would’’ Tony says, snapping his fingers and pointing at Bruce with puppy eyes. “Brucey bear? You wouldn’t betray me, would you?’’

 

Bruce looks unimpressed at best, but his lips does curl up slightly, and they do spend most of the day together. Doesn’t bode well for their win, it seems.

 

Tony seems to think the same because his smile grows bigger before Bruce speaks again.

 

“I like 40s music’’

 

“HA!’’ Steve shouts immediately as Tony’s face fall in surprise

 

“Wow.’’ He says, turning back to Bruce. “Woooowwww.’’

 

“Come on Tony, you know you don’t even hear the music on these things most of the time, with all the talking you’re doing.’’

 

“It won’t be with YOU now, that's for sure’’ Tony pouts and Bucky rolls his eyes but feels the situation has diffused enough to sit down now, so he heads towards Clint, since he’s the one who asked him to come in the first place.

 

“Finally’’ Clint whispers. “They’ve been like that all night. It’s not even entertaining anymore’’

 

“Talk for yourself’’ Nat says, flipping her page

 

“I don’t understand how me suffering with you helps but whatever.’’

 

“I need someone to talk to and Nat gets pissy when I interrupt her reading, Bruce is still acting kinda weird and Sam and Pepper are making adult conversation about taxes or whatever’’

 

“So you were desperate.’’

 

“Basically’’

 

“Jeez, you sure do know how to make a guy feels special, Barton’’

 

That gets a laugh out of Clint and Bucky smirks, because yes it does feel special for him that Clint would think of him to ask for help, for any reason (you could never torture this information out of him) (Not that you could torture any infortmation out of him)

 

Bucky’s a bit surprised when Steve sits down beside him. He’d expected him to go over Sam and Pepper, which got a lot more space beside them, or to keep arguing with Tony, but apparently Steve has decided Bucky’s side is where he’d want to be. 

 

Not that surprising, really, when he thinks about it.

 

“Hey’’ his friend greets him gently

 

“Hey’’ Bucky answers

 

“Uh uh, nope, Cap, no way. This is my slot, I booked him for the night.’’ Clint interrupts

 

“Huh??’’ Steve asks, leaning to look at Clint over Bucky

 

“Barnes came down specifically for me. Get your greedy paws off him. You already have him like 90% of the time’’

 

“Aw, Clint, you having a jealousy crisis?’’ Nat teases

 

“ I’m the bored one. Steve should go get entertained elsewhere. It's not fair he gets to have all the fun’’

 

“I’m confused’’ Steve says and Bucky sighs, sending his head back to look at the ceiling when he feels his phone go off in his pocket again. He slides it out.

 

[Hi!]

[Sorry I didn’t text, I know I said I would but i figured you’d be busy]

[My day was boring as hell, you?]

[Wait, that was a stupid question, don’t answer that]

 

[Its okay]

[What are you doing?]

 

[Cleaning up, you?]

 

Bucky takes a look around him and scrunches up his face.

 

[Honestly, I have no idea]

[Party planing or arguing or being emotionally manipulated into being a distraction]

 

[Jesus]

[Busy night?]

 

[Meh]

[Its always chaos here]

 

[Oh I get that]

[Back when i lived with my family it was pretty much constant screaming or laughing]

[No in between]

 

[Big family?]

 

[Just my parents, my big brother and I]

[You? Any siblings?]

 

[I had a twin sister]

 

[Oh]

[I’m so sorry]

 

“Who are you texting?’’ Clint asks and Bucky didn’t even realize they’d stopped arguing. He quickly flips his phone screen down onto his laps, steering clear of Clint's piercing vision

 

“Nobody. A friend.’’

 

“Nobody or a friend?’’ Nat asks, suddenly interested, closing her book to push herself up.

 

“A friend’’ Bucky repeats grumpily

 

“That’s funny cause three days ago I left behind an paranoid antisocial and I come back to him calling half the New York population his friends .’’ She says

 

“That was only two people’’

 

“Is this one also an evil psychopath?’’ Clint asks and Bucky scowls

 

“Hopefully not.’’

 

“ Hopefully ?!’’ Sam asks from the other couch 

 

 Bucky is growing more and more uncomfortable with the attention and he isn’t unaware of how still and silent Steve is being right now. He just wants them to stop talking about this now. 

 

“I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to exist outside of this Tower, I apologize’’ he says bitterly and that seems to set them back a bit

 

“I, for one, am happy to know you’re meeting new people, James’’ Pepper smiles at him from the other couch and Bucky gives her a small smile back, because she is sweet and he feels kinda bad now.

 

That doesnt last long. 

 

“Boringgg. How attractive is that friend ?’’ Clint asks. “She above average?’’

 

Bucky’s hand goes into fist but he knows Clint doesn’t mean wrong. He closes his eyes and see Ben at Coney Island, fluffy brown hair messy from the rides, pink cheeks and big hazel eyes that glistened from the park lights. 

 

“Yeah, I guess.’’ He answers, not correcting him on the pronouns. 

 

“Oh, this just got so much more interesting.’’ Tony says, leaning forward with a grin that Bucky would describe as nothing short of mischievous on his face.

 

“You guys need a hobby’’ Bucky sighs but his phone buzzes on his thighs and everyone's eyes follow the sound instinctively. 

 

“What did she say?’’ Bruce asks almost sheepishly and Bucky eyes snap to him

 

“Not you too.’’ He says and the other guy shrugs

 

“Listen, the night has been very long.’’

 

“Come on James, are you not gonna tell us, really? I could help, you know’’ Nat tries to convince him

 

“It’s private.’’ Bucky says and he starts shifting uncomfortably on his spot. He feels stuck.

 

“You gonna take her out?’’ Sam asks and the phone buzzes again, this time twice

 

“I don’t know.’’ Bucky says and he can feel himself starting to panic, overwhelmed. “Maybe. I dont know’’

 

“Is she also 100 years old or did you pull out the whole ‘age is just a number’ thing?’’

 

“Back off.’’ Steve finally speaks again, but his body is still tense and his voice almost sound pained, like he has to force himself to talk. “All of you. Now.’’

 

He used his best Captain voice, Bucky notes, and it seems effective because most of them actually physically recoil from them instinctively. The only people seeming unaffected are Tony and Nat, and those are the two Bucky is the most worried about.

 

“Relax, Capsicle. We were just fooling around’’ Tony still agrees eventually, lifting his glass to his lips to knock down the liquor, leaning in again with a wobble that makes Bucky wonder exactly how many of those he's had. “We just want to help your beloved in his quest for the happy ever after.’’

 

Bucky tries to calm down, chest still tight, but the phone buzzes once more and takes away every progress he had made. What could possibly warrant so many messages in a row?? If he's unable to distract them, they'll find out. Just because he told Steve, it doesn't mean he's ready for all of them to know. He doesn't care that all of them are already assuming a bunch of stuff about Steve and him, he's used to that, but he doesn't want this to be ruined yet.

 

The room is dead silent again, and for a few second Bucky wonders who's gonna break the tension.

 

He should've known it would be Tony again

 

“...are you gonna answer that, orrr”

 

The sound that comes out of Steve is low and dangerous, a clear warning.

 

“You always push too far, Stark” He growls and Bucky represses a shudder

 

“Alright Rogers don't be jealous, we can talk about your date too”

 

“It wasn't a date!” Steve and Bucky both say in unison, perfectly timed and that definitely does not help their case

 

“...I'm pretty sure he was talking about the other one, guys” Clint says and Bucky feels his mouth become a flat line of self disappointment.

 

“Sharon” Natasha clears up

 

“Right.” Steve says and the whole situation escalated so quickly into something so ridiculous that Bucky almost regret leaving the alley at all

 

“Well,” Tony says, getting up from his seat to walk toward the bar. “maybe they didn't know how to make good music in the 40s but they sure did know how to repress their-” 

 

“Okayyyy, Tony, sweetheart, don't you think you've had enough of that?” Pepper interrupts with a practiced tone, getting up as well.

 

“But it's Cap's coming out party!” Tony opposes

 

“Right,” She says, grabbing the still empty glass from his hand and putting it on the counter, redirecting his hands on her hips while she puts her own arm around his neck. “then we should probably dance”

 

“As long as Rogers isn’t choosing the music” Tony whispers loudly and Pepper laughs, pulling him successfully away from the bar 

 

“FRIDAY, play Tony's playlist. The good one” Pepper says and when the song starts playing Tony nods approvingly, making her twirl in a few well versed moves that Bucky assumes means it's not the first time they do this

 

Bucky’s pretty sure he’s heard the song before down in Tony’s lab, even if he doesn’t go very often. Whenever the days are good enough for him to be able to repress the memories of the other labs he’s been in and he heads down there, Tony usually takes his headphones off and asks Friday to play the music out loud for them, because he says music helps him concentrate, and Bucky never complains because he loves music. He thinks he always did. This one he’s pretty certain is from the group Queen, which he’d learned about when he made the mistake to ask what was playing one day and Tony had gone on a three hours (THREE. HOURS.) tangent about 80’s rock and force fed Bucky what felt like a thousand songs that he kept calling classics (how many classics can there honestly be). 

 

This song is good, he has to admit, and seeing Tony and Pepper dance is so heartwarming it actually manages to calm him down. He doesn’t fight the smile that sneaks on his face when he sees Nat also gets up and walks over to Bruce. 

 

“Oh, Natasha no I can’t dance’’ Bruce says but he still lets himself be pulled onto his feet because nobody ever says no to Natasha Romanoff

 

“Just follow my lead’’ She says, pulling him towards the center of the room to the other two.

 

“My best-friend just let me down’’ Clint says to Bucky, batting his eyelashes 

 

“I’m not dancing with you’’ Bucky says, making it clear with his tone that there would be no negotiating

 

“You suck’’ Clint says, lifting himself up and walking straight over to Sam, who’s looking up at him with his arms crossed on his chest. 

 

“It's not gonna happen’’ Sam warns him

 

“I don’t want to dance with you, I just don't want to be the only loser dancing by himself’’

 

“You can’t dance to Somebody To Love without a partner Barton.’’

 

“Isn’t that the whole point of the song?’’

 

“If I stand up beside you are you gonna leave me alone?’’

 

“Give me some swaying side to side action and I’m in’’

 

“You’re the worst’’

 

“Yeah, yeah’’ Clint says, pulling Sam up the same way Nat just did, although met with slightly more resistance.

 

There's something almost painfully sweet in watching them come together even for this small thing, and Bucky almost forgets the whole Ben thing until he turns to Steve, almost letting himself ask him to dance, and sees his face still flat and angry.

 

“Hey’’ Bucky says softly, knocking their shoulders together. “I’m fine’’

 

“They shouldn’t push.’’ Steve whispers back, still clearly frustrated

 

“I know, but it's over now.’’

 

“I don't want you to have to start making people up just to satisfy their curiosity.’’

 

“What?’’ Bucky asks, frowning.

 

“You don’t have to pretend you’re dating a girl just because you want them to stop asking’’

 

“I wasn’t making it up’’ Bucky says and Steve’s eyes snaps up to his.

 

“What?’’ He asks in turn. “But you say you didn’t have to do it anymore.’’

 

Bucky looks towards the others again, who are clearly paying them no mind, and he leans in a bit to make sure no one can  hear. There may not be any other people with super hearing here, but spies do tend to know everything.

 

And the ceiling is also literally listening to them.

 

“I never said it was a girl. They kind of just assumed it was.’’

 

“So you’re dating someone?’’ Steve asks, confused, and Bucky can see his fist closing on his tights. 

 

“We’re not dating, we’ve just met. We’ve been talking is all’’ He feels the need to defend himself, perplexed as to why Steve is reacting this way

 

He can almost see the wheels turning in Steve’s head, like in a comic book, and imagine the little bulb appearing on top of it when he’s figured it out.

 

“The guy in line at Nathan’s.’’

 

“I’d say that was impressive but it’s the only guy you’ve ever seen me interact with.’’

 

“You said above average earlier!’’ Steve says a bit too loudly and Bucky’s eyes snap to the rest but the song has changed and apparently Tony has managed to make Sam properly dance, and everyone looks like they’re having fun and couldn't care less about whatever the hell the two boring 100 year olds are talking about. 

 

“Are you saying he’s not?’’ Bucky asks, turning back to Steve with his eyebrows raised in a warning.

 

“He’s small.’’ Steve says, frowning, back to soft tone.

 

“So what?’’ 

 

“Don’t you want a guy that can.. you know…’’ Steve says, becoming red and Bucky grins at the opportunity of making Steve even more uncomfortable.

 

“Can what, Steve? Manhandle me?’’

 

That has the effect Bucky hoped for and Steve becomes a stuttering mess and so red Bucky cannot help but to start laughing.

 

“No but- I mean-I was just- Kind of? I guess?’’ Steve manages and Bucky shakes his head fondly.

 

“I don’t really care, honestly.’’ He shrugs, then decides he’s not quite done with him. “I can take care of the manhandling, if necessary’’ 

 

“Oh my God’’ Steve says, sound muffled by now both of his palms, which he is currently hiding his face in. 

 

“Anyways,’’ Bucky says again, more serious. “I’m not really thinking about… that. Yet. I just think he’s pretty.’’

 

“Pretty?’’ Steve asks and Bucky doesn’t know why it sounds so sad when it comes out of his mouth. “You like…pretty?’’

 

“Yeah’’ Bucky says. “I mean, not everybody can be Captain America.’’

 

Steve stares at him then, eyes burning with something intense that Bucky recognizes as his ‘about to do something stupid’ look, and he even opens his mouth to speak but its gone as quickly as it came, leaving behind what Bucky almost thinks was hope in his guts.

 

“I guess’’ Steve says, almost sounding defeated.

 

“Your girl is pretty too’’ Bucky tries. 

 

“A dangerous kind of pretty’’

 

“Everything pretty is dangerous.’’ Bucky agrees and Steve looks away this time.

 

“Yeah, you’re probably right’’ He says, getting up. “I think I’m gonna head to bed. I’m exhausted.’’

 

“Okay’’ Bucky says, getting up too. 

 

“You don’t have to come’’

 

“I want to’’ Bucky says, and it's almost weird the way he’s able to say it, to admit that he wants something without that burning shame in his guts. “But I have to go shower and deal with something first.’’ He says, nodding to his phone. “I’ll meet you in a few minutes. ‘’

 

“Okay’’ Steve says with a little smile and they both head to the elevators, stopping at different floors. Bucky goes out first, and heads towards the door of his apartment. As soon as he’s in, he slides his phone out to see how bad it is that he stopped answering.

 

The same two messages he’d already read are now at the top of a few more, so he gets to reading.

 

[I didn’t mean to bring it up]

[I’m really sorry again]

[I know how hard it is to lose a sibling]

[Mine’s gone too]

[And I’m not trying to make it about me, I’m just saying I get it]

[And I’m sorry]

[But if you want to talk about your sister I’m here for you]

 

[I dont]

 

[Ok well at least you’re alive]

[I was getting worried]

 

[I’m harder to kill than that]

 

[Good to know]

 

[Sorry about ignoring you]

[I told you, chaos]

 

[It’s ok, I figured I had fucked up]

[I was supposed to keep the dead brother talk until at least third date]

 

[Planning ahead are you?]

 

[I’m big on planning]

[Is that a bad thing?]

 

[Not necessarily]

[I was teasing]

 

[Interesting]

[I did not expect Mr.Broody and mysterious to be a tease]

 

[Thats because you're confusing broody and mysterious with bad at texting again]

 

[We should call instead, then]

 

[See that was my mistake]

[I said texting but I meant talking in general]

 

[Thats ok]

[I think we’ve established I’m pretty terrible at that, too]

[We could call and just have a reading session]

­[And by that I mean we start where you are in book 3 and I try not to spoil everything out of pure excitement]

 

[You want to call and read out loud?]

 

[Yes]

[If you want]

[We wouldn’t really need to do much talking]

 

[Okay]

[Sounds good]

 

[Nice :) ]

[I work till 6 tomorrow but I’m free after that]

 

[8?]

 

[8 is perfect]

[Cannot wait]

 

[I’m not gonna cry]

 

[Yet*]

[Book 4 destroyed me]

[Book 5 made me physically catch on fire and turn to ashes and become a different man]

 

[That's dramatic]

 

[I usually wouldn’t argue that except I’m not even exaggerating]

[Just you wait]

 

[Are you trying to scare me?]

 

[I’m trying to warn you]

[If you make it to the end without at least a tear you’re not human]

 

[You willing to bet on it?]

 

[Anything]

 

[Coffee’s on me if I cry]

 

[Does this mean we’re not going on a date before you’re done reading all of them?]

 

[I’m a fast reader]

 

[Except if you’re crying too much to see anything]

 

[Should be done quickly then]

[Since I’m not gonna cry]

 

[Sure]

[But how do I know you’re not gonna cry and then say you didn't]

 

[I won't]

 

[Cry or lie?]

 

[Both]

 

[So what you’re saying is I can trust you?]

 

Bucky doesn’t know how to answer that. That is a complicated question, with a complicated answer. He used to be trustworthy. He thinks he still is, when his mind is his own. The only problem with that is that he’s too weak to ensure it stays this way. He’ll have to wiggle his way around this question and that in itself is an answer.

 

[I’ll tell the truth] 

 

[Alright then]

[Deal]

[I have to go (again), but talk to you tomorrow?]

 

[At 8]

 

[Yes]

[Goodnight Jamie]

 

[Goodnight]

 

So, that wasn’t bad. 

 

That guy really seems to be into him, surprisingly. Thats three coversations they have that does not end in Bucky feeling inadequate. It’s far from perfect, but honestly he’s charming, and Bucky can’t help himself from wanting this to work. He’s wanted it before, and maybe he stopped himself because it was illegal, or maybe thats what he told himself back then to pretend it had nothing to do with the fact that he already felt like he had someone waiting for him at home. 

 

He’d wanted other stuff back then too, things that he knew Steve couldn’t give him. Bucky had only given in once, a drunken night he can’t remember now but still know happened, because it had shaken him for months and taints a lot of memories he has gotten back. Taints them with thoughts of self hate and relief, the relief of finally knowing what he was, whatever that meant. Bucky remembers that he craved being held after it, being touched. He used to be so affectionate.

 

Now it's different. He can barely tolerate the feeling of someone touching him, let alone want it. Not that he would know. He forgets what it means to want , most of the time. And when he does, it's painful, the quiet knowledge that he never really gets what he wants. He knows better than to think anything good ever comes out of wanting.

 

But maybe if he lets himself want smaller things, realistic things. Maybe it doesn’t always have to hurt.

 

Like what if he wants to cry reading a book. And what if he wants to pay Ben a coffee.

 

The only thing he’s sure he wants now is sleep, and he has to clean himself up and head to Steve’s first, so he puts his phone on a charger and hops in the shower, eager to finally wash this day away. 

 

But Bucky’s distracted, and he doesn’t realize that he forgot to turn the hot water on before it has already touched his skin and he feels the familiar sensation of drifting away taking him over. He grits his teeth for impact, expecting a bad memory. Nothing good ever comes out of the cold. 

 

The cold water washes away any dirt left inside of his injuries. He is not being washed with the hose by the guards today, it is the doctor who is taking care of him, and the flow is softer on his skin, less harsh. The asset is not used to it. He does not show confusion. He does not show anything. He stays seated, water washing over him, hoping he does not need the chair.

 

“You have done well’’ The doctor says to him in Russian, putting a hand atop his head. 

 

The asset blinks, and he has to look up in order to meet the man’s eyes. It is clear the doctor is expecting an answer from him, but he is not programmed to know what to say. 

 

The asset disobeyed. He knows he has. The mission was over. He is supposed to go directly to base after completing the mission. He should not have turned into that street. He should not have gone into Brooklyn. But there was something there, something he needed to see. He did not know what. He did not find it.

 

He was late. He should be punished. So why is the man saying he was good?

 

“I have?’’ He asks back in the same language, uncertain, and the doctor nods, taking his hand away with a few pats.

 

“You have. Your mission was successful. But this distraction that you had must not happen again. If you disobey, I cannot help you. Do you understand?’’

 

“I understand’’ The asset answers. He must not disobey again, or there will be consequences. He had expected this.

 

“Good. It is important that you keep doing your work. You are forging the century. It is you who will insure the man hands us their so called Freedom’’

 

Freedom. The asset does not know of this word. But the doctor isn’t angry, his words are soothing, reassuring the soldier that his work is necessary. It must be a good word, freedom must be something Hydra wants. 

 

Maybe if the asset gets it, there will be no more chair.

 

“What is freedom?’’ He asks, word rolling around his mouth in a familiar way that makes very little sense to him

 

The slap comes suddenly, but the asset does not react. He is not allowed. 

 

The hair is back on his head now, but it is pulling his hair to lift his head back, forcing him to face the doctor again. He waits for another blow that does not come.

 

“Do not ever ask this again’’

 

 The soldier does not answer. He has heard the parameters. He will never ask again.

 

The doctor’s hand goes softer on his head again, and he leans over to kiss the cheek he has just slapped.

 

The asset is scared now. He does not want the doctor to touch him anymore. He wants to move, and he cannot. He wishes for the guard’s hose and the harsh water.  He does not know why. There is an ease with which the doctor handles him that feels unnatural, and the way he has to refrain the shaking of his hands is strange. The asset does not remember why he is scared. Perhaps he was made to forget.

 

His mouth tastes like ashes now, he does not like it. His heart is racing in his chest.

 

Is this his punishment?

 

The doctor opens his mouth to speak again, but there is someone that walks in the room, and he lets go of the soldier’s hair. 

 

“The chair is ready. We shall not waste anymore time after the Brooklyn incident. Make sure the erasement is thorough, this time.’’

 

“I always do.’’

 

“Clearly not!’’ The other man shouts threateningly. “If your attachment’’ The man speaks again, voice more measured, showing obvious disgust at the word and looking down at the asset with disdain before continuing “for the weapon creates any other issues, we will have you reassigned. Understood?’’

 

The soldier knows that reassigned means death. He has seen this happen before, although the handlers were never his missions.

 

“There will not be any more issues’’

 

“That better be true. For your sake’’ the man says before coming forward and shouting for the soldier to come. 

 

He knows he is going to the chair, but for once he does not have to force himself to walk out of the room. He does not wish to be alone with the doctor again. 

 

He can feel his eyes on him the whole walk there. The asset does not know if his body shivers because of the water dripping from his hair or from something else. 

 

Bucky gasps into consciousness and closes the cold water immediately, turning on the hot instead and leaning over to throw up in the shower. 

 

He recognizes that man’s face from his files, one of his handlers. He did not last long. Bucky knows why, now. 

 

The water is burning the skin of his back raw, but he does not move, letting the pain give him an anchor point, anything other than the memory of this face, of his lips on his cheek. For a moment, Bucky is glad for the chair, glad that this is all he remembered. 

 

He stays under the burning hot water for so long, heaving out the last of the little bit of food he ate that day, that by the time he stops the shower his whole bathroom is filled with fog, and some parts of his skin has started to form blisters.

 

It’ll heal quickly, but he still hisses as he puts on a shirt and sweatpants. 

 

He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to act as if nothing happened. He doesn’t know if he wants to. 

 

Steve. He needs Steve.

 

He gets to his apartment on autopilot, quickly and efficiently. Anyone would see him and think he is back to the Winter Soldier. Steve wont. Steve only ever sees Bucky.

 

When he gets into the apartment, the air is smelling like something sweet, and Bucky’s stomach makes an angry noise, halfway before ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘don't you dare’. He walks over to the kitchen anyways, where he finds Steve.

 

“I made you some waffles. And before you say anything, I mean that I’ve put some frozen waffles into the toaster and then covered them in so much sirup that anyone normal would probably die on the spot’’ His friend starts saying, gesturing to the counter where sit a mug with tea and a plate with what's nothing less than a pile of Egos.

 

Bucky opens his mouth to speak. Closes it again. His eyes go to the food, to the gesture Steve has just made for him, just because. Never asking for anything back. He feels his arms wraps around his own body.

 

“Buck? Are you alright?”

 

Is he alright? That's the funniest thing he has ever heard. He tries to laugh, but the sound that comes out of his mouth is broken and wet, and it sounds like a sob more than anything else.

 

Steve takes a step forward. Bucky takes a step back.

 

Isn’t that the steps they’ve practiced? Their own choreography?

 

Some things never change.

 

“Did something happen?’’ Steve asks carefully

 

“Am I real?” Bucky asks back instead of answering

 

“Yes. Of course.”

 

“Was I always?”

 

“Yes”

 

Bucky shakes his head.

 

“So why? If I was a person-” Bucky says and his voice is pained

 

“You are. You are a person Bucky”

 

Bucky ignores him, holding himself tighter, clinging onto his raw, painful skin.

 

“They could've made a robot. Why did they- Why would they turn me into this? Was I not real enough? I don't understand”

 

“There's no logic, Bucky. These people were cruel. It had nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with you at all’’

 

“No there's gotta be a reason, Steve. I must've done something, I must of pissed off someone.’’

 

“Bucky, listen to me. You did nothing wrong.’’

 

 “Then how long am I gonna pay, Steve? For being in the wrong place at the wrong time?” 

 

When his friend moves forward this time, Bucky doesn't move back. Steve is close to him, very close but it's okay because from here Bucky can read his eyes, read his mind. There is no doubt for him why he'd believed Steve back in the helicarrier, not when he looks at him with those same sincere eyes now too, a door opens to his soul. You can see from here, how majestic it is, how beautiful.

 

“Buck”

 

“I think I died, Steve. Back in Azzano. I think I'm a ghost and I'm just stuck here.”

 

“Buck, please-”

 

“I wish I was real enough to die.”

 

Steve holds him then, any hesitation he was very obviously having about touching him disapearing. Bucky doesn't stop hugging himself to wrap his arms around Steve, but he leans his forehead on his shoulder, just to have a point of contact. 

 

Earlier today, he had realized he had nothing that was really his. But when he closes his eyes, for a moment he can pretend that he does, here, that Steve’s arm is his home again. He doesn’t know how he can tolerate anyone at all touching him at the moment, his nerves ending screaming for Steve to let go of him while Bucky knows he would rather stay like this forever. It’s confusing, a cacophony of two extremes screaming in his heads, but in the end he knows Steve will always win. 

 

“You're real, Buck, You're the only real thing for me. The only real thing” Steve whispers to him and they stay like that, breathing each other in for so long that Bucky thinks he might fall asleep.

 

“You're shaking” Steve whispers again after a while, pulling away but keeping his hands on Bucky’s shoulder. “Are you cold?”

 

Bucky doesn’t answer, but he lets Steve take him to the room anyways to wrap him in a blanket. There's no point, he knows that. 

 

He's always cold. 

 

When Steve lays down on the ground with him, he doesn't say anything either. He knows his best friend needs this probably just as much as he does. It's not the same as before, the way they fall asleep side to side instead of pressed together, but it's good enough. It's the best they can do, for now.

 

Bucky just has to hope that Steve scares off the nightmares again. He doesn't dare think what they might bring with them this time.

Notes:

When Steve hugged Bucky it was actually me guys cause I don't even know what possessed me to traumatize him like that
I swear my hands get to typing and I'm over here behind the screen completely horrified at everything that happens (Hence why these mfs never listen to me)

Chapter 19

Notes:

SO
Angst again
I'm not sorry

BUT
We get Steve trying to flirt and failing miserably and Bucky being so incredibly clueless about it and being all like ''Wow he's such a good friend :D''
Soooo

Enjoy!

Also here's the usual thanks to our loyal beta reader weird_Kayle for helping me make this story readable even when my AuDHD brain refuse to cooperate lmao

There isn’t much that can put Bucky down. He knows that. He never needed to be trained to keep fighting. That was always his default mode, resilient motherfucker.

 

So why can’t he get back up now?

 

It’s not that he didn’t know that it was a very real possibility. That he didn't suspect it. The memory was even far from the worst he ever got back, it wasn’t about torture, nor specific in the treatment his body has endured, only a confirmation of what he thought might be.

 

But this is different. This means that for Hydra, it was never just about making him a weapon, it was always just them ripping his humanity from him, to use his empty shell as they might wish. It means it wasn’t about his skills, or about revenge. It was never about him at all. They just needed someone, and he was convenient. 

 

But they didn’t do it properly. They couldn’t empty him entirely. And it's there now. It’s a fact. It’s no longer just a bad feeling in his chest. It’s on his skin, trails of hands that he knows never left, imprinted into his skin, claw marks, a claim. Hydra’s claim. 

 

The Winter Soldier would always be theirs. 

 

Bucky wants to peel his skin off, but he knows it would be pointless. No, this runs deeper, into every inch of himself, rot pumping from his heart mixed with his blood and into the very core of who he is. 

 

And he can’t get up this time. Not from this. 

 

He does not leave Steve’s place for two more days. Not when Steve tries to gently coax him out of the apartment, or when FRIDAY lets him know he has (another) call coming in, or when Natasha comes knocking at the door. 

 

Or Bruce.

Or Clint. 

Or Pepper.

Or Sam. 

 

He can’t let them see him this way. He hasn’t even been able to walk again into the shower since it happened, can’t even find it in him to answer when Steve speaks to him. 

 

He can’t. He doesn’t have anything to say. Steve just talks, and Bucky listens, because he likes the sound of Steve’s voice. He always did. He pretends he doesn’t see the hurt in Steve’s face every time he waits for an answer that won't come, or when Bucky leaves the room after yet another failed attempt at convincing him to tell him what happened. 

 

His friend stays with him a lot of the time, actually. A lot more than usual. Bucky can tell he’s worried. He would probably feel much more guilty about that, if he’d let himself feel anything. At least he hasn’t opened the door to anyone either, even if he’s here when they knock. He just looks at Bucky with measured hope in his eyes and waits. Waits until they eventually tire themselves and leave. He follows after them sometimes. Sometimes he just goes into the bathroom and tries to act as if he’s not disappointed. 

 

Bucky would wonder when it was that Steve started to hide what he felt from him, but that would lead to thinking about when it is that he started doing the same, and that’s not anywhere near the depth of thought his brain will let him get to right now. 

 

All of this to say, Bucky knows he’s supposed to want to open the door at some point. But he doesn’t. Actually, he has never been more at peace with the decision to keep them all away than he has felt about anything for a long time. 

 

So why is Stark staring at him from the bedroom door frame?

 

Bucky knows Steve has left the apartment, because he’s not in the room with him pretending that he has something to do. So it can’t be him that let Tony in, can’t be him that betrayed Bucky like that. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Steve never would've let it happen. 

 

Bucky scowls at the ceiling.

 

“Don’t blame FRIDAY. I didn’t give her much of a choice really.’’ His uninvited guest finally starts talking, unfurling from his position to move away from the door and closer to Bucky, which is a terrible decision really because Bucky had been sitting in the corner of the room, and now he feels rather stuck.

 

Stark is lucky he didn’t pull that move a few weeks ago. 

 

“I don’t want you here’’ Bucky states, standing up glaring at him with eyes he knows from multiple sources are terrifying. His voice is hoarse and scratchy, not used to staying silent for long intervals anymore.

 

It’s weird, the way even his body got accustomed to interacting with people daily. The slight pain in his throat almost feels like its way of telling him it misses it. 

 

Bucky doesn’t have time to linger on that thought. Not like he’s been lingering on much thoughts these past few days anyways.

 

“Well that’s too bad, cause I own the building’’ Stark waves off his rejection with an ease that makes him think he might be stuck with him a while.

 

Fine then. Bucky’s done. He turns towards the window again. Stark can talk to himself. 

 

“Aw come on, the silent treatment? You really think that works on me? I thought you knew me better than that, Barney. I'm hurt’’ 

 

Bucky stares stubbornly at the window, refusing to give in to what he knows is just Tony trying to anger him into telling them what's wrong.

 

Maybe its childish to refuse to speak to them. Bucky is slightly too tired to care. He doesn't need to see pity in their eyes, or to hear about how to move forward. He can't. That's it. There's no ridding him of this, no cure.

 

It's all so pointless.

 

Stark steps closer again, until they're almost side to side, and Bucky grits his teeth. This guy cannot take a hint.

 

“There's only room for one drama queen on this team”

 

“I'm not part of your team” Bucky snaps and Tony rolls his eyes

 

“You're not part of The Avengers, but you're still one of us, robocop."

 

“I'm not part of your team” Bucky repeats slowly, as if speaking to a very stupid child

 

“You’re an honorary member. Like Rhodey or Pepper. They're part of my team. You're on Cap's”

 

“I'm not-”

 

“-part of the team, okay okay, whatever, got it. You're still being a big baby. You'd think after living over 100 years a guy would get some maturity.”

 

Bucky doesn't answer that. He just looks outside. He'd started doing that since his psychiatrist had told him to work on his fear and his triggers. He barely feels the vertigo anymore, and it's almost good enough for him to wonder if he could survive jumping down there. Maybe if he slid down instead. Anything to get away from Stark, really. 

 

Except that would mean getting out of the room. Facing the world again, knowing what he knows. Knowing that monsters are real, and that they’re not hiding under your bed. No, they’re real, and they’re walking the earth, and he might be one of them but at least you can tell, he doesn’t hide it. He wonders how many of them are walking down the street, how many demons are smiling at strangers in the park, looking for their next victim. He stops his brain before he drowns in his anger, in his hate, in his inability to do anything to save them. To save himself. 

 

“You know, maybe you're right” Tony sighs, leaning on the window in order to see his face even as he's looking away. “Maybe you're not on Rogers’ team, with the selfish way you're acting right now.”

 

Bucky's eyes slide to Tony's face.

 

Selfish?

 

Selfish ??

 

“Do you know why he's not forcing you out? Why he keeps the door locked? Because he believes he's doing a good thing, giving you the choice. He knows it’s wrong, he knows that this isn’t helpful to you, but he’s not opening the goddamn door to us because you don’t want him to. You want to know why that matters to him so much, even more than forcing your hand to help you get better?’’

 

Bucky knows why. Because Steve is the only one who truly understands what it's like to be given no choice. He knows what its like to be forced to live with the cards that you were dealt. Only, he was fortunate enough to get a better set later. 

 

Bucky, well, let's just say he was definitely not as lucky. 

 

Of course, Stark doesn’t know that. He seems to have his own hypothesis.  

 

“Because he'd give you anything. He’s completely biased when it comes to you, he’d go as far as giving his life for you. And you're not even trying. ”

 

Bucky's fist hit the window with a blow that is so swift and precise that for a moment, he's unsure it'll hold, even with the reinforcement. Lucky for both of them, it does, and the echo of the bang is enough to shut Stark up, enough to make him flinch, although he doesn’t move away. Stupid. 

 

The room is silent now, the only sound being their breathing, staring at each other with anticipation.

 

“What do you know about ricin, Stark?” Bucky finally asks after an eternity, and Tony frowns

 

“It's a toxin”

 

“It's a poison.” Bucky corrects him. “It starts by making the muscles around the injection area stop working. Then it makes your organ fail. One at a time. By the time it finally ends, the victim is begging for the sweet relief of death”

 

“Do I need to be worried?” Tony jokes but Bucky can tell there is legitimate unease in his voice, so he gets to the point.

 

“That's what it feels like. To remember. Except there is no relief for me. It's only the pain. Every time that I think it can't get any worse, the universe proves me wrong”

 

“...I'm starting to think this whole thing isn't about us teasing you about your new friend”

 

Bucky shakes his head, but he cannot meet Tony's eyes. He had forgotten about this, had forgotten about Ben entirely. He doesn’t know how to tell Stark what he remembered, doesn’t know if he could even if he wanted to. He swallows, eyes unfocusing, his mouth unable to form the words that the other man is expecting, an explanation. There is no point in speaking. He says as much.

 

“Do you want to know the worst thing, Stark? There's no cure for it. No matter how much information we got out of the victims, we knew there was no seeing the other side of this. There's no other side” He says, voice low

 

Tony seems to hesitate for a second, but something settles in his eyes and he raises his hand, putting it on Bucky's chest, right where his heart would be if it was still there, and gives it a few gentle taps.

 

“Alright. So, there's no other side of anything. Doesn’t mean you have to stop walking the path. And that's why you want people with you whenever the load on your back starts to get a bit too heavy to keep going. You get me? That's where we come in. You've got a whole team-you’re-definitely-not-a-part-of that's willing to take some of this weight off for you now. Thing is, you're gonna have to let us, Barnes. You're gonna have to start accepting the help.” He says, removing his hand and offering Bucky a slightly stiff lopsided smile before heading back towards the bedroom door. 

 

“You sound like Steve’’ Bucky says weakly before even realizing he was gonna speak, not understanding why he didn’t just let the conversation die there.

 

It seems to be exactly what Stark was hoping for him to do, because his triumph is barely hidden behind annoyance on his face when he turns back to him.

 

“Oh god, you’re right. I need to stop spending so much time around that guy.’’

 

“But then who would you argue with?’’

 

“You. The closest person in my vicinity. The wall, possibly. Oh, and before I forget, we're ordering Delmar’s tonight as kid bribery cause I’m trying to lure Peter here. He's been dodging my calls since Sunday, and by the way, what the hell did you guys do to him? May says he’s been in a mood, too. Anyways, doesn't matter for now, just- be there, alright? And for God’s sake take a shower. You stink.”

 

And then he's gone.

 

Just like that. 

 

And Bucky could sit back down and stare out the window again and forget about this whole conversation. He could let himself forget that some people rely on him. 

 

Or he could try to rely on them too. Just a little bit. See if Tony is right.

 

It’s just a dinner party, right? 

 

He starts walking towards the bathroom.

 

-- --

Bucky doesn’t know how long he's been staring at the streams of water. He doesn’t. The only thing he knows is that when Steve gets back to the apartment, he’s still in the bathroom, and the water is still running. He’s not in the shower, mind him, because he’s been pretty busy staring at it for the past however-long-ago-Stark-was-here, but he thinks if he keeps it up for another minute or two he should be able to walk in.   

 

“Buck, you in there?’’ Steve asks nervously, knocking on the door.

 

“Shh’’ Bucky shushes him from this side, because he’s trying to focus here, and this is a very dumb question. Who else would be in Steve’s bathroom with the shower on?

 

“Buck? Can you just answer?’’ Steve asks, knocking again as if Bucky hadn’t heard him the first time.

 

Bucky throws his head back in frustration, eyes leaving the shower to turn towards the door, which he walks over to and angrily opens.

 

“What do you want?!’’

 

“I was just- Oh. You’re naked’’ Steve says, quickly looking at the ceiling in a way that makes Bucky’s lip curl up instantly.

 

Okay, so, maybe he forgot he wasn’t dressed. That’s on Steve for bothering him when he was deep in thought. There’s no way Bucky’ll admit this was an accident, though, so he leans on the doorway and cocks his head to the side.

 

“What do you want?’’ He repeats slightly more calmly

 

“I was just’’ Steve starts speaking before clearing his throat and looking back down at his face, staring at it intensely as if he wants it to be obvious he's not looking anywhere else, although it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, from what Bucky recalls. “I was just wondering if you needed help.’’ his friend finally finishes his sentence, cheeks slightly pink.

 

Bucky scoffs

 

“You gonna help me shower?’’

 

Steve fully chokes now, which is probably the most hilarious thing Bucky has seen and simultaneously the most adorable one. 70 years later and Steve is still awkward about this. Bucky’s glad for it. 

 

“No-’’ He coughs. “I was just- Because- I didn’t mean- I- Its just- I mean, unless you want me? To- uh- do that?’’ Steve rambles, crossing his arms and trying to act casually.

 

Bucky frowns. 

 

“Okay, Steve, calm down, you can breathe, I was just teasing you. I know you're just trying to be a good friend but you don't have to come into the shower with me. I'm a big boy, I'll manage.’’

 

Steve’s arms fall back to his side

 

“Right.’’

 

Then it’s just silence. For at least a good thirty seconds, and Bucky is honestly starting to get a bit cold, standing naked in the doorway like this. 

 

“...so. I should probably get to that, then.’’ He tries, uncertain. There’s something about this conversation he feels he’s missing, like something flew by him. 

 

“Yeah.’’ Steve says with a small smile, and Bucky starts moving to close the door but his friend stops him right before he can close it entirely, putting his hand between the door and the doorframe right before they clip together. “Buck- Wait.’’

 

“What is it?’’ Bucky asks, more softly, because even though he cannot see Steve’s face anymore, he doesn’t like the amount of concern he hears in his tone.

 

“You’re okay?’’ Steve asks, and Bucky’s eyes drift to the shower. It takes everything in him not to shiver, not to feel the doctor’s hands on him. 

 

“I don’t know’’ He answers with as much honesty as he can. 

 

“But you’re… better?’’ Steve asks again.

 

“I’m trying’’ Bucky answers, Stark’s accusation from earlier still ringing in his ears. 

 

Bucky hears a soft thud on the other side of the door, as if Steve just let his head fall down on it, and Bucky hears him sigh softly, with so much relief that he feels his heart shrink into his chest at the guilt. He caused Steve to worry again , knowingly, and didn’t even do anything about it. Tony was right. He makes for a terrible teammate.

 

His friend’s hand slides away from the space between the door and its frame, finally allowing him to close it.

 

“Thank you’’ He whispers and Bucky can only push the door closed. He lets his head fall down gently on the door too, and closes his eyes. He can almost feel Steve on the other side of the door. Two sides of the same coin, destined to always be together without ever really touching. 

 

He can’t breathe with the tragedy of it all, longing for a time where he hadn’t hurt Steve, when he swore he would never. Before the war. Before growing up. 

 

Bucky waits until he feels Steve leave as well before heading towards the shower once more. He doesn’t think he would’ve ever been able to move again if Steve had decided to stay there. 

 

He doesn’t stare at the water this time, doesn’t even acknowledge it, letting it mix with the few bitter tears that roll down his face. He doesn’t acknowledge those either, cleaning them away with the same simple easy swipe he does the sweat of his body, of his hair. 

 

He can’t fall apart. He’s not allowed. He has a reason not to anymore. 

 

And maybe that’s a lot of pressure for someone who feels like he’s a bunch of broken pieces hot glued together, but he’ll hold. Doesn’t he always? 

 

Stark said there were people willing to help him, but Bucky doesn’t know how to be helped, how to ask for it. He doesnt think he ever did. All that he knows is that he is done letting Steve get hurt by whatever it is he’s become. He’s said that a lot, but this time he’ll make sure it’s true, whatever the extent of what he has to do.

 

Even if what he has to do is ask for help. There are other people who have Steve’s best interest at heart here. They’ll help, they’ll help and Steve will never hurt again. Right??

 

Surely, that’s doable.

 

Bucky never failed a mission before. Well, maybe on the train. And on the bridge, and again on the helicarrier, but thats not very fair, Steve was involved. Seems everytime Steve is involved, Bucky is inefficient. He’ll have to work on that.

 

But first, dinner. Apparently. 

 

Bucky is out of the shower quickly, efficiently, and he wraps himself in a towel before heading out, grabbing his dirty clothes on the way. His nose wrinkle of its own mean. He’ll have to borrow some of Steve’s.

 

Unless.

 

Theres a pair of neatly folded dark jeans on the bed, as well as a navy shirt and some boxers and socks. Even his phone is sitting proudly on top of the little pile. Theres a little paper beside it, and Bucky recognizes Steve’s handwriting immediately. He grabs it. 

 

‘Brought you some things :)

Tony’ll be pissy if i’m late, so see you downstairs in few

Love, Steve’

Who signs a message with ‘love’? What for? This aint like its a letter or anything. Goddamn Steve is lucky that Bucky understands that this is just his old ways showing, cause he’s pretty sure anyone else would pause at this. 

 

He put the paper back down and grabs the clothes which he quickly put on, sliding the phone in his pocket without looking at it, knowing damn well what to expect as soon as he does. He take one last look at the note on the bed before he picks it back up hesitantly. This is stupid. Very dumb. He runs his thumb gently on the signature, then he folds it and slide it in the other pocket. He’s not gonna overthink this, he just think its a sweet note. Nothing wrong with keeping it, right? 

 

He exits the room and walks all the way to the door of the apartment before lingering in the doorway. He’s a little dizzy, almost. His heart is beating furiously inside of his chest.

 

He can do this. It’s just one step. 

 

“Hey’’ A voice sounds from the other side, making his eyes snap back up to meet their face. 

 

“Natasha’’ He acknowledge her, clearing his throat and crossing his arms on his chest to play off the fact he just got caught in the middle of arguing with himself. “Whats up?’’

 

“You gonna cross it?’’ She asks, cutting to the chase. Thats one thing Bucky loves about her, she doesn’t really try to water anything down, ever. 

 

“I don’t know’’ He answers in the same way. 

 

“Do you want to?’’

 

“I think so’’

 

“You think so, or yes?’’

 

Bucky hesitates for a second. But then he thinks of Steve, of the relieved sigh that escaped his mouth when Bucky said he’d be trying. He has to try .

 

“Yes’’ he answers

 

“Good. Clint?’’ Nat shouts to the inside of the apartment and Bucky doesn’t even have the time to turn around before he feels a boot on his back, pushing him forward.

 

Goddamn stealthy bitches.

 

Bucky turns around and ends up face to face with a very cocky Clint. 

 

“Miss me?’’ he asks with a smirk and Bucky pushes him into the now closed door of the apartment.

 

Wait.

 

Closed door?

 

Clint cocks his head when Bucky looks down at the door handle, confused.

 

“Got you out. You’re welcome, by the way.’’ He says, tapping on Bucky’s forearm, pressed against his throat, and Bucky lets go.

 

“Not the greatest method’’ He growls

 

“What, did you want me to walk you out in my arms like newlyweds? Cause we can have a redo.’’

 

“Stop flirting and lets go downstairs.’’ Natasha interrupts. “Food’s gonna be cold, and Tony’s already mad at the kid not showing up.’’

 

“We weren’t flirting’’ Bucky says, tunring around. “And what do you mean he didn’t show up?’’

 

“Talk for yourself’’ Clint huffs, ignoring his question and walking around him and towards the elevator.

 

“He’s busy’’ Nat shrugs and Bucky frowns. He knows he’ll have to asks Tony directly if he wants more info, so he follows them and doesn’t look back around. 

 

He’s fine. 

 

He’s out, and he’s fine. 

 

Thats all he has to remind himself. 

 

When he walks into the dining room, Tony is looking out the window with a frustrated expression. Theres a mountain of sandwich on the table, and Sam, Steve, Pepper, Wanda and Rhodey are sitting down. They re all picking at the sandwich in front of them, but its very obvious their heart is not in it. 

 

“I just don’t get it’’ Tony says. “You say he was alright when you dropped him off, right?’’ 

 

“ Yes ’’ Steve answers, and he sounds slightly exasperated. “I’ve already told you’’

 

“And you,’’ He says, turning towards Wanda, “Say you guys had fun the whole day, right? He didn’t do or say anything weird or out of ordinary?’’ 

 

She only shakes her head, looking down, clearly trying to focus, to remember something she might’ve missed.

 

“You talking about Peter?’’ Bucky asks, and everyone’s head lifts up. Some look slightly surprised to see him, some, like Steve, just seem glad. It feels weird, he just focuses his attention on Tony.

 

“He says he has something planned with friends. Like come on. What kind of excuse is that? He has two friends, and they both usually come along.’’

 

“Maybe he was invited to a party’’ Rhodey offers but Tony looks at him, unimpressed.

 

“Ha. Ha. Very funny. Anyone else feels like joking?’’

 

“Why not? You’re a nerd and I remember you going to a few of those’’ 

 

“Okay, have you met the kid Rhodey? No, I need everyone to get serious really quickly because I swear to God if we don’t find whats wrong with him I’m gonna lose my mind.’’

 

“Aww, are you worried Tony?’’ Natasha coos, sitting down beside Bruce and Tony shoots her a look.

 

“We should all be worried’’

 

“Maybe baby bird is just leaving the nest.’’ Clint says, choosing to sit at the end of the table instead, propping his legs up on it.

 

Tony seems to ponder on that for a second, but he apparently very swiftly dismiss the thought.

 

“No thats not it. ‘’ He sighs, sitting down on the table with something like genuine distress seeping into his tone, hunching over to press the palm of his hands onto his eyes. “Theres something I’m missing.’’

 

Pepper runs her hand through his hair, settling on the nap of his neck.. 

 

“Hey, don’t be too in your head about it. What if we just went to get him at school tomorrow, huh?’’

 

“Maybe it’s my fault’’ Steve speaks again, this time quietly, the exasperation completely out of his voice.

 

“What?’’ Tony asks, head snapping back up.

 

“Well, you know. Sunday. It was…uh. The day I gave the speech.’’

 

“Oh. I thought you might be helpful. Yeah, Cap, no way, Peter doesnt care about that stuff.’’ Tony waves him off. “It’s not like he was in the picture or anything.’’ 

 

The picture.

 

That’s it, thats the last piece of the puzzle.

 

Bucky can’t help but gasp when it clicks. 

 

It’s not a big, dramatic gasp. Just his lungs reacting to what he just realized, his body demanding more air to deal with the bullshit storm that just hit it. The absolute certainty that flooded it.

 

Peter took the picture.

 

No way. Theres absolutely no way.

 

Right?!

 

But it was a good picture. Too good. Thats what Bucky had said right? So good you could read him from the inside out while looking at it. 

 

“Buck? Is everything alright?’’ Steve asks and Bucky stares at him, because how could he tell him? How could he explain he believes Peter has betrayed them in such a way?

 

No. He has to be sure, he has to-

 

“I have to go’’ Bucky says, turning straight back around, not even bothering to sit down.

 

“Wait! Wait! Bucky? Where are you going?’’ Steve shouts, scrambling up to come after him.

 

“I’ll tell you after. I have to…check something. I’ll be back, okay?’’ 

 

Steve hesitates for a second, looking at Bucky with such a wounded expression that it makes him feel sick, but he has to do this. He has to know why. 

 

“Is it about Peter?’’ His friend asks.

 

“Yes’’ he answers truthfully.

 

“Okay.’’ Steve nods after a few seconds. “Be safe’’

 

“I will’’

 

Bucky doesn’t break the eye contact until the elevator door closes.

Chapter 20

Notes:

Alrighttt
You guys know what I'm about to say, right?
Thank you weird_Kayle for beta readingggggg!!!

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

Bucky has a good memory.

 

It’s ironic. Almost funny, when you think about it. 

 

He has a great memory. 

 

He barely needs to think about it when he takes off to Peter’s address. He remembers every turn the driver had taken after Coney Island, every street name, every corner shop. It’s much longer by foot than what it took with the car, and Bucky could have borrowed Steve’s motorcycle, but he didn’t want to. 

 

The walk helps him get his mind a little clearer. The sun has set, and it is a weekday, so the streets aren’t that busy anymore, although New York never really settles down. But for now, it’s just the perfect background noise to help him focus on his thoughts. 

 

No matter the way he turns this around in his head, it just doesn’t make sense. Peter is an ambitious kid, yes, but he’s sweet. He would never do anything to hurt anyone. So why would he expose Steve? That sounds nothing like him. 

 

But he’s also been avoiding them. That, in itself, is a proof of guilt in Bucky’s eyes. 

 

He only sees two explanations.

 

Someone is blackmailing Peter, and he’s in danger. 

 

or

 

He did this on purpose, and Bucky was wrong about him.

 

Of course, there's probably a thousand more variables, but none of them do anything to settle the pit of unease at the bottom of his stomach. He doesn’t think Peter would just let any blackmailer get to him. He’s got the Avengers on his side for fuck’s sake.    

 

Of course, it could be Hydra. It would be in their interest to soil Captain America’s image, and they know plenty of ways to force people’s hands, but Bucky refuses to consider it. They’re gone. They grew plenty of heads, but Steve made sure they were all cut off. Quite literally, from what Bucky gathers. 

 

It's not gonna be Hydra. There's nothing to worry about.

 

He walks a little faster. 

 

It’s only when he gets to the building that he realizes that the problem with apartment buildings that don’t have sassy AI included in the ceiling is that when you have no idea what the apartment number of someone is, well there's no way to know. He could ask, of course, but he knows his energy is unsettling for most people, and he’s got more chances of someone calling the police on him than someone giving him the exact location of the apartment of a single woman and a teenager. He sighs, frustrated, getting slightly fidgety, and closes his eyes to focus. 

 

He’s a spy, isn’t he?

 

Well, not anymore, but old habits die hard. 

 

He quickly goes over the information he has gathered on Peter. He is certain that he never got his exact address, although he does have his phone number, but Bucky already knows he’ll be ignored, so he passes over that quickly. Then he thinks of what he knows about May. He can think of about a thousand way to find information about her just from what Peter had told him, but he just didn’t. He’d need it now, and those things takes time.

 

Then there's the picture of them in the apartment. He thinks of the windows in the background, of what room those said windows were in, and of the building facing them. He tries to recall the height of the building behind May in the pictures, and from those he figures out Peter must live from at least floor 5, but not up to the last floor. Probably somewhere from floor 5 to 8. Then he looks behind him, to the facing building, and realizes that it not the right one. He walks a bit further down and take a turn, find the right building and looks up into the windows. You can’t see much from down there, but since he knows the placement of the window and the approximate floor, that leaves him with about 4 apartments to try. 

 

There’s a strange mix of feelings filling him when he realizes he is still able to do this. The first thing is, his whole body hurts from doing this, as if trying to stop him, trying to hold him back from returning to his old ways. Almost like it has its own mind, and thinks he’s about to kill again. Even his arm wires, the plates rearranging themselves with a buzzing energy, and he has to take a deep breath in in order to remind himself he’s not going into a fight. He can feel the memories coming up to the surface almost furiously, but he pushes them down easily, entirely in control. He expected this and knew it would be coming, he’s not surprised. What does surprise him is how fulfilling it all feels as well, how satisfying it is to finally use his brain for something else than longing, rage and boredom. The silent sense of justice that fills him when using the skill they taught him for good, to protect the people he cares about. 

 

Still, he doesn’t let these feelings stop him from staying focused, so he heads inside of the building. He goes up the first four floors easily, and when he reaches the fifth, he eyes the doors warily. He already knows which one of them would be the right one in the row in order for the right windows to be aligned, so he takes a few careful steps in the corridor and make sure no one can see him. There are things scattered in it, toys of all sorts, as if children often play outside of the apartment, which is strange but he does not question it. He notes that the toys seem to be definitely under Peter’s age, and that a lot of it are pink and glittery, but those could be any kid’s living in this block, so he still puts his ear on the door and listens. He can hear someone mumbling on the TV, and what he thinks is a bedtime story being read, with little gasps here and there and although he can’t make it out exactly, even with his super hearing, it’s still enough to know that this apartment is most likely not the right one. He walks away and up another floor. 

 

The 6th floor doesn’t have anything scattered around the corridor, but there’s a few people hanging out, the door next to the one that would be Peter’s wide open with the smell of weed filling the air. The music is faint, in a weirdly thoughtful manner for the neighbors, and even the people in the corridors are speaking in somewhat low voices, especially considering none of them seems sober. Bucky won’t be able to put his ear to the door this time, but he doesn’t need to. He can hear the scratching and barking of an agitated dog in there that seems eager to participate in the celebrations without even having to step closer, and he knows for a fact that if Peter had a dog none of them would’ve heard the end of it, ever.

 

He goes up another floor. 

 

The 7th floor is calmer. There is nothing littering the floor or people in the hallways. It looks serene, and Bucky knows immediately. He still leans his head on the door, and he hears the muffled sound of the TV, similar to what he’d heard earlier, but there's also the sounds of a woman humming and water running. He knocks. 

 

The signing stops, as well as the water does before what he assumes are May’s footsteps walking over to the door. 

 

When she opens it, he recognizes her immediately. She looks exactly like in the picture, although she now has a suspicious frown on her face.

 

“Hello?’’ She asks and Bucky gives her a little smile, hoping to settle her wariness enough for her to let him in to see Peter.

 

“Hi. Is Peter here?’’

 

“I don’t know. Who’s asking?’’ She says, crossing her arms defensively on her chest and this time the little smile that takes over Bucky’s face is real. He opens his mouth to answer but before he can, a voice interrupts him from inside of the apartment.

 

“May? Is everything alright?’’

 

The lady sighs, then gives Bucky a warning look before she answers

 

“Yes. There's someone for you’’

 

“Who?’’ Peter voice sounds again, much closer

 

“I was just trying to find that out, actually.’’ She shouts. “It’s a man. With very blue eyes.’’

 

Weird detail, but okay.

 

Peter doesn’t answer. There's suddenly a lot more tension in the air, and that seemingly does very little to appease May’s distrust.

 

“I’m feeling kinda sick, you know, I think I should go back to my room.’’ Peter finally says after what feels like forever.

 

“Peter’’ Bucky warns from the doorstep and May raise her hand, obviously offended at his attempt to speak to the kid. 

 

Nevertheless, it works, and Bucky hears a few gentle steps before Peter appears by May’s side in the doorframe.

 

“Hello, Bucky’’ He says with an hesitant, sheepish smile on his face

 

“Bucky?’’ May asks. “Bucky as in, Steve’s Bucky? ‘’ She turns towards Peter, and he offers her a nod. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. If I’d known…’’

 

“It’s okay. You’re looking out for him. I respect that’’

 

She looks genuinely warmed at his words, and she moves to let him in, which he does. Peter’s face is an open book, and he basically radiates nervousness.

 

“Can I get you anything? Some water or.. did you already eat? We have leftover lasagna.’’ May offers and Bucky turns towards her again

 

“Actually I just wanted to have a quick word with Peter if that's okay. ‘’

 

May seems a bit unsure, probably because she can feel the way Peter tenses at that, but Bucky’s demeanor is relaxed, and confident, and when Peter gives her a little nod again she sighs but gives him a little squeeze, then one last confused look to Bucky before heading towards the kitchen again. Bucky turns to the kid, who points towards a door, a bit further in the apartment

 

“My bedroom’s this way’’ He offers with a small voice that Bucky has never heard him use before.

 

He nods, and follows Peter into the small room. There's a lot of nerd stuff here, basically a paradise for nerds, going from the posters on the wall to the lego sets (like he doesn't have enough at the Towers), to the computer. There's also clothes everywhere, and different snacks spread around the room, but Bucky’s pretty certain Peter would usually be ecstatic to show him around, to let Bucky see his space. For now, when Bucky closes the door behind him, the boy stays silent, hunched in on himself in the corner, almost frightened. 

 

There isn’t a doubt left in Bucky that Peter did this now. 

 

“Why?’’ He simply asks, voice devoid of emotions, for fear his anger would take over.

 

“Why what?’’

 

“Peter’’

 

“I-’’

 

“Peter.’’

 

“It wasn’t on purpose.’’ The boy admits, panic filling his every word. “I swear! I just- I wanted to sell a couple of pictures before the end of the week and I completely forgot on Friday so I figured I’d just have to go super early on Sunday morning and I was so tired I didn’t pay attention to the pictures they were looking at, I just wanted them to upload whichever and say their price, and I don’t know what happened because they offered such a big amount and I was confused but then I remembered what you said about my pictures being good and it was stupid, you know, I just really thought that they were just starting to appreciate my work and I was so happy. I didn’t double check. I should’ve double checked. I swear, it was a stupid, stupid accident. I didn't mean to do it. I tried to take it back when I saw it in the paper that same day, I don’t even understand how they did it so quickly, but it was too late and I couldnt even legaly ask them to stop publishing it because they'd already paid me and I wanted to tell you but I just- I couldn’t.’’ He rambles, barely taking a breath between each sentence, and Bucky doesn’t know what to feel. 

 

He understands, he does. But that does not remove the hurt, does not take away the heavy consequences on Steve’s life and his. 

 

He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to answer to this. He doesn’t know why he thought he should be the one to speak with the kid, why he didn’t send Tony, or Steve. 

 

He’s staring at this awesome, kind kid who made a mistake, and still can’t help but feel resentment. Anger. Frustration. 

 

“I told you that day I didn’t want you to take pictures of me.’’

 

“I know. I’m sorry.’’ Peter says dejectedly, looking at the ground. “I’ll never take a picture of you again. I’ll never take any pictures again. I threw it out.’’

 

“What?’’

 

“My camera. I threw it out’’ He repeats, eyes still fixed on his bedroom floor. 

 

Bucky sighs. God fucking dammnit. Now he’ll have to get a new camera for this stupid punk. Where do you even buy cameras anyways?

 

“Do you totally hate me now?’’ Peter asks after a minute or two of heavy silence, raising his eyes, shining with still unshed tears and Bucky feels all the anger and disappointment, just leaving his body.

 

There's no space for them right now. He’ll deal with them later, he’ll learn to trust again. For now, he can only take a step forward and place both of his hands on Peter’s shoulders.

 

“I don’t hate you.’’ He says, emphasizing every word because he wants it to be very clear. “I don’t think anyone could hate you. Just let us know, next time, okay? If you do bad stuff, even by accident, even if you really didn’t want to, well you still have to own up to it. That's the important part. Do you understand?’’

 

“I understand’’ Peter nods, voice breaking and tears now falling down, although Bucky can see the relief in his face. “I’m sorry’’ the kid says, and then he takes a step forward and wraps his arms around Bucky. 

 

Bucky freezes for a second. He has been hugged multiple times since he came back to himself, always by Steve, but this is different. It was always Steve holding him, wrapping himself around Bucky like a shield. But Bucky hasn’t held someone in a long, long time. He’s not foolish enough to underestimate the importance of this, of Peter trusting him enough to let himself be held and comforted by him. To be completely and entirely vulnerable. Bucky is scared. He doesn’t know if he should be trusted with this. He doesn’t know why that kid would look at him and see someone trustworthy, someone good enough.

 

But he can feel Peter hold onto him like you hold onto a life buoy, and his shirt is wet, and he’s not about to let this kid hang, so he lifts his arms and wraps them gently around him too.

 

“Hey, hey, kid. Okay…You’re okay…’’ he says hesitantly, letting one of his hands leave the teenager's back to ruffle his hair, which he’s seen Steve do plenty of times to Peter and knows the kid likes.

 

“It’s just that I don’t understand why you’re not angry at me’’ Peter speaks into his shirt, voice muffled, and Bucky can still tell the pinch isn’t quite right

 

“I am’’ He says, and Peter tenses a bit in his arms. “But what's done is done. You’re a good kid that made a mistake. There's no point holding it against you now.’’

 

“I’m sorry’’ the kid whispers against his chest

 

“I know.’’ Bucky says, and he squeezes him slightly more, just to let him know he gets it.

 

They stay like this until Peter feels better, and when he finally pushes away from him, Bucky’s surprised by the way his mind immediately drifts to his sister, to the last time he really held her.

Bucky’s glad when his drunken steps finally reach their apartment. 

 

He likes going out, he really does, especially when Steve accompanies him, but he just wasn’t really in it tonight. He spent the whole night feeling off, and kind of sad, and no amount of liquor seemed to fix it. He thinks Steve noticed it too, cause when Bucky abandoned his conquest of the night and asked him to go back home early, his friend was more than happy to oblige. But then again its Steve, and he never really liked that bar. Bucky thinks he’d like it better if he tried to dance, but Steve refuses to, says he’s waiting for the right partner.

 

Right partner my ass, Bucky knows how easy it is to convince him to dance when they’re back home, even though Steve always walks all over his feet and can’t really handle the harder choreographies. Bucky doesn’t really care, he just likes making Steve dance. It’s beautiful to witness the way he laughs and lets go entirely. And as much as Bucky does think Steve would have more fun if he danced with a dame, he's secretly smug to be the only one to ever see it. 

 

Take that, world. 

 

But not tonight. Nope, tonight Bucky just wanna go to sleep and stare at the ceiling or something. He feels hurt, and he doesn’t understand why. 

 

At least not until he spots his sister on the porch. 

 

Even in the darkness, you can tell she’s been crying. She’s hugging herself in front of their front door, sniffing with her face all puffy, and Bucky can’t help but think ‘that’s it, that’s why’. 

 

“James’’ she says and her voice is so broken that Bucky almost runs up the stairs, drunken feets be damned.

 

“Hey, Becca, what’s wro-’’ he starts asking before his sister wraps her arms around him and cuts him off “ whoa, okay, alright. What happened? Are Ma and Pa okay?’’

 

“They’re okay, it's just… Robert.”

 

“What about him?” Bucky asks, frowning, suddenly worried.

 

Robert has been his friend for a few years now. They met when Bucky was still living in the family home, when Robert’s family moved in a few houses down. Not that they have ever been very close, but Bucky does like the guy, and his heart sinks at the idea that something might’ve happened to him, especially since he knows he’s been courting his sister for a while now, and that she is very attached to him. They haven’t been extremely public about it but from what his sister told him, they were to expect Robert to ask for her hand in marriage any day now.

 

His sister squeezes him harder at the question, face buried in his chest, shoulders now shaking with sobs. It's rare to see Becca that emotional, so Bucky is at a loss, but he does run a comforting hand up and down her back. 

 

“He’s getting married.’’ His sister answers and Bucky cocks his head, trying to make sense of this with his alcohol-fogged brain.

 

She’s saying HE’S getting married and not THEY ARE. And she’s sad. Which implies that Robert is marrying someone else, which he wouldn’t do. Right? 

 

“What?’’ Bucky asks, assuming some clarifications are on their ways

 

“He’s getting married to Elizabeth Bailey. They announced it to the whole neighborhood earlier. They came to our house, James. Our house. I didn’t even… How could he look at me and say it?’’ She asks, voice broken and small and nothing like the Becca that he is used to.

 

So now that it makes sense, and that it turns out Robert is an asshole, obviously Bucky’s first thought is ‘I’m gonna kill that guy’. He doesn’t have time to voice that thought before Steve does, though.

 

“Do you want us to kick his ass?’’ His friend asks, voice stern, a murderous look on his face that Bucky is fairly certain is identical to his own.

 

That gets a little sad chuckle out of his sister who sniffs and pulls back a bit to look at Steve.  

 

“No. I don’t want anyone getting hurt. I just… I needed to see you guys.’’ She says, hesitating a second before extending her arm out, inviting Steve into the hug, which he joins without a beat. 

 

“Elizabeth Bailey, you say, right?’’ Bucky asks after a second, not willing to let this drop just yet.

 

“Don’t you work with her dad at the docks?’’ Steve asks, almost reading his mind, and Bucky grins

 

“I don’t think there's gonna be any wedding, anytime soon’’ He simply states as an answer, and his sister only rolls her eyes, breaking the hug.

 

“Do you ever lie to them?’’ She asks very suddenly, her face very serious, eyes squinting, and Bucky suddenly has the impression that he’s in trouble, which is totally unfair, and he sends a desperate look at Steve for help. “No. Don’t look at him. I’m talking to you.’’

 

“Lie to who?’’ Bucky asks, unsure, trying to thread carefully

 

“All those girls you’re seeing. Do you ever lie to them? Do you ever pretend that you’re in love with them?’’

 

“I’ve never pretended to be in love with anybody.’’ Bucky says, slowly, choosing his words carefully. 

 

Because he does lie to them. He lies to every single one of them. He lets them believe that he wants to kiss them, hold them. But Bucky never pretends to be in love. Never even takes the same lady out twice. He knows just how devastating hope can be. 

 

“Okay’’ His sister nods. “Can you promise you’ll be honest with them?’’

 

Well. That ought to make things complicated for Bucky. But his sister is scrutinizing him at the moment, and there is no way he could justify not promising her this, so he does his best not to hesitate when he answers.

 

“I promise.’’

 

“Good. You too, Steve’’

 

Bucky snorts.

 

“He’d have to talk to a girl to be able to lie to her.’’

 

“Shut up, jerk’’ Steve says, punching him in the arm although its light hearted, so Bucky lifts that same arm so wrap it around Steve’s shoulder and squeeze, ruffling his hair to ruin it.

 

“Punk’’ He says back, grinning while Steve try to escape him, and when he looks back up to his sister, she’s smiling at them, although it is sad.

 

“I hope I find it’’ She says when she notices his questioning gaze

 

“Find what?’’ Steve asks, successfully pushing Bucky away at last.

 

“You know… True love.’’ She says, shrugging and Bucky sighs

 

“Don’t we all.’’ He answers flatly, and if his sister picks up his sarcastic tone, she doesn’t mention it.

 

Bucky doesn’t want true love, not when he knows he’ll never be able to have it publicly, without shame. Not when he knows he could never love a woman. If true love means he can never have children running around his legs, or someone to bring to family dinners, or to kiss in front of the altar, then Bucky does not want it. He supposes he’ll have to find a nice lady, someone like him, maybe, that will accept to marry for convenience.

 

 Love has yet to prove to be anything but painful to him. His eyes slide to Steve, who is now staring at the ground. Aren’t they the happiest little group?

 

“I should go home.’’ Becca says, breaking the silence after a minute. “Surely Mom is pulling her hair out of worry at this hour.’’

 

“I’ll walk with you’’ Steve offers, because he’s a gentleman and of course neither of them was gonna let Becca walk all by herself in the middle of the night.

 

“Guess I could pay the parents a visit’’ Bucky shrugs but Steve shakes his head.

 

“You’re drunk. You’ll slow us down’’

 

“And disappoint Dad.’’ His sister points out and Bucky scowls.

 

He’s not that drunk. 

 

“Come on, you have nothing to worry about, it’s Steve’’ His sister says, rolling her eyes and Bucky cocks his head. 

 

Of course he trusts Steve. That’s not the issue.

 

What is the issue, actually?

 

“Okay’’ He simply agrees, and Steve gives him a little smile

 

“I’ll be back before you know it.’’

 

“Okay’’ He repeats, confused at his own frustration. 

 

He doesn’t react when Steve walks over to his sister and gives her his arm, or when she chuckles playfully and grabs it. He doesn’t actually move at all until they are out of sight. 

 

He’s probably just mad he’s being excluded. It’s not like anything would ever happen between Steve and Becca. 

 

He can't fall asleep that night before he hears Steve walks into the apartment later. He waits for him to join him in the bed, but he doesn't. It stays cold.

When Bucky blinks back into reality, Peter is just sitting on his bed, throwing a ball on the wall and catching it when it bounces back. He might've been waiting a while.

 

“Sorry’’ He says, and Peter doesn’t startle the same way the rest of the team does whenever he snaps back, he only turns towards him with a happy glint in his eyes, like he’s excited for him to be back. “Was I gone a while?’’

 

“I don’t know,’’ Peter says. “I’m not very good with time, and when I realized you were remembering something I kinda just waited and then I spotted this bouncy ball on my desk and I guess I zoned out. But I’m feeling May getting edgy walking around the apartment so I’m assuming a while.’’

 

“Sorry.’’ Bucky repeats, sighing. He’s been working on controlling his memory flow, but it mostly only works whenever he’s expecting them. He’s starting to think he’s gonna have to start expecting them all the time. Anything can be a trigger. “I’ll go now, I just wanted to clear things up.’’

 

“Hey, Bucky?’’ Peter asks, and Bucky raises an eyebrow

 

“Yeah?’’

 

“Can you.. not tell them? Please?’’

 

“Peter…’’

 

“I know! I know. It’s just, I want to own up to it, like you said, but I want to do it myself. I’ll come over tomorrow and tell everyone, okay? I promise.’’

 

“Okay’’ Bucky nods, because he trusts that the kid is telling the truth, and his mind is elsewhere right now. 

 

“Can you be there? Tomorrow?’’

 

“Of course.’’

 

“Thank you.’’ Peter sighs, relief apparent once more in his face. 

 

“Everything will be okay. You’re doing the right thing.’’

 

“It’s scary sometimes, doing the right thing.’’ Peter says and Bucky can’t even begin to tell him how right he is. He simply gives him a little smile.

 

“I’ll be right there with you’’

 

Peter smiles back and nods.

 

“I’m very happy that Cap got you back and that you’re with us, now.’’ 

 

Bucky is NOT gonna cry. 

 

“Alright, goodnight kid.’’ 

 

“Goodnight Mr. Bucky.’’ Peter says back to him as he heads out of the room and closes the door behind him. 

 

He waives to May as a goodbye but doesn’t stop to talk. He walks all the way to the outside of the building and doesn’t stop until he’s almost a mile into his way back. Then he just stops and stares ahead. 

 

He pulls out his still closed phone from his pocket very slowly, hesitating. Once again, he is a hypocrite. He can barely breathe, voices mixing in his head and guilting him.

“If you do bad stuff, even by accident, even if you really didn’t want to, well you still have to own up to it’’

 

“Can you promise you’ll be honest with them?’’

 

“It's scary sometimes, doing the right thing’’

Bucky sighs, and he presses the button, waiting for the screen to light up. Because of FRIDAY, he knows what to expect once the phone will work again, knows that Ben has tried to call in the last couple days, and that he completely left him hanging. 

 

He has some explaining to do.

 

As soon as the phone lights up, the notifications flood it, and Bucky winces at the constant buzzing. He feels awful, but he also knows there is no going back. He will simply have to hope that Ben understands, and that he will not ask for too much context. 

 

He starts reading

 

Monday, 12:47

 

[Heyyy]

[I was wondering where exactly you were at in POA]

[Because I want to reread it a bit to get myself back into it before we call later and work is slow so might as well]

[Just lmk whenever you have a minute :) Please!]

 

15:34 

[I ended up just skimming through the first half of the book lmao]

[So don't worry about the page thing anymore]

 

18:28

[We still good for later?]

 

19:51

[Okay so I should probably assume that's a no, right?]

 

20:02

[Missed call from Ben]

[Missed call from Ben]

 

20:04

[Ok, I'll take that hint but just let me know that you're safe please]

 

22:35

[Goodnight, Jamie]

Tuesday, 10:23

 

[Hi, sorry it's me again]

[Is everything okay?]

[I'm getting a bit worried here]

 

16:56

[Missed call from Ben]

 

17:00

[Okay this is gonna sound stupid if you're just ghosting me but its just that you told me you were friends with Captain America and now I'm scared that you got kidnapped or something]

[So if you could please just tell me like ‘Hey I'm still alive’ I would appreciate]

 

19:55

[ :/ ]

 

Wednesday, 13:06

 

[Jamie I'm literally gonna call the police I swear on my mother]

[If I had like any information about you at all I would’ve already]

[Everyone’s telling me just to let it go but it's just fishy.]

[I swear if you're actually fine and doing this to me I'll be pissed]

Bucky inhales. How can he explain? He can't. He groans in frustration and a couple walking in his direction decide to cross over to the other side. He steps away from the sidewalk to the side of a tiny restaurant that seems to still be open, and leans on the wall to think about what to answer.

 

It's obvious Ben has been worried about his sudden disappearance. Bucky wants to apologize. He supposes that's an okay way to start

 

22:12

[I'm sorry]

 

The answer is almost immediate 

 

[You're gonna have to do better than that after almost three whole days]

[I thought you were dead.]

 

[I'm not]

 

[Good for you.]

 

Bucky grunts. For fuck's sake, this is not going well for him, and it wont turn back around if he doesnt even try to be a tiny bit vulnerable.

 

[I owe you a coffee]

 

[??]

 

[I cried]

 

[You finished the books?!?]

 

[No]

 

[Oh]

[Shit]

[Everything okay? Did something happen?]

 

[I cant explain.]

[But I'm sorry]

[I know I worried you. I should've asked someone to send a message]

 

[No, I'm sorry]

 

[What for?]

 

[I dont really know but I am anyways]

 

[I understand if you want to stop this]

[I stood you up]

 

[Do you want to stop this?]

 

[We should]

 

[But do you want to?]

 

[You deserve better]

 

[How do you know what I deserve? You know very little about me, Jamie]

[And neither of those were answers]

[Do you want this to end?]

 

Bucky has to raise his eyes from the phone and stare ahead for a minute before answering that one. It's a complicated question, since he doesn't know what he wants at all. That seems to change every second. He kinda wants to throw the phone again. He’ll have to ask Tony just how much it can handle. 

 

[No]

[But I'm all sorts of fucked up]

[this might happen again]

 

[On purpose?]

 

[No]

 

[Then that's okay]

[I'm fucked up, too]

[More than you can imagine]

[You have some competition in the fuckedupness department]

 

Bucky actually scoffs at the message. That would be surprising 

 

[I doubt that's possible]

 

[Let's see about that over that coffee you owe me then]

[If you want to]

[We can also talk about other stuff]

 

[Other stuff sounds good]

 

[You know a good place?]

 

[I haven't sat in a coffee shop in my life]

 

[No way]

 

[I'm being serious]

 

[Wow okay then I know exactly where to go]

[Bit pricey but the coffee is to die for and its very calm and pretty]

[Shouldn't be too traumatizing for a first experience]

 

[I like what I'm reading]

 

[Perfect :)]

[When do you want to go?]

 

[Tomorrow?]

[For lunch?]

[I have something to do at dinnertime]

 

[Let me check]

[I have work tomorrow but I could do Friday? Shift ends at 12 on Friday and we could meet there after?]

 

[Okay]

 

[I'll send the address]

 

[Jamie reacted to a message]

[Thank you]

 

[For the address?]

 

[No. For understanding]

 

[I don't. Understand, I mean. Not really]

[Because you haven't told me anything for me to try to]

[But I get it]

[Trust building and all that]

[For now I'm just happy you're alive]

 

[Thank you for having coffee with me anyways then]

 

[You mean even if you're not the best at communicating?]

 

[Yes]

 

[:))]

[It's ok]

[Thank you for inviting me even after I threatened to call the police on you]

 

[That would've been funny]

[God I would pay to see Steve's face if they came knocking]

 

[You were with him?]

 

[Yeah. We live in the same building]

 

[You live in Avengers Tower?!?!?!?!?]

 

[...yes?]

 

[Good God I know you don't like talking about your life but I did not expect to go from being friends with Captain America to literally living with him]

[Are you sure you're not dating him??]

 

[Yes!]

[I have my own apartment]

 

[Dude]

[Are you an Avenger??]

 

[No]

 

[I officially don't get it]

 

[I'll try and explain Friday]

 

[Can't wait]

 

[Goodnight Ben]

 

[Goodnight Jamie :)]

Bucky sighs, finally pushing himself off the wall to start walking again, sliding the phone easily in his pocket. He takes a breath of fresh air before heading towards the Tower again, ridding himself of the nervousness that takes over his chest whenever he thinks too hard about meeting a man in a coffee shop all alone, for a date of all things. He doesnt know how its going to go, especially after what he just remembered. He doesn't know if he'll be able to bring himself to trust anyone for a while, but there's something about Ben that's intriguing.

 

He shakes his head. He have to go home before he starts getting too stuck into his own thoughts and ends up staring at the street for hours.

 

He barely makes it a few steps before it buzzes again in his pocket, this time with the insistent humming of a phone call. When he grabs it, Steve's name is on it.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Buck?”

 

“Yeah Steve. Whats up?”

 

“Is everything okay? Its been hours and nobody saw you take a car”

 

“I walked”

 

“Where?”

 

“To Peter's house”

 

“But thats in Queens”

 

“Yeah” Bucky says, looking around himself. “It is”

 

There's silence on the other side of the line, then a quiet sigh 

 

“Where are you now?”

 

“On my way back”

 

“Just wait there okay? I'll come get you”

 

“That's not necessary”

 

“Bucky, I'm not gonna let you walk all night to get home”

 

“I'll be fine”

 

“I'm coming. Don't move. FRIDAY, can you send Bucky's location to my phone?” Bucky hears his friend ask the AI, and when he hears her answer in the affirmative, he rolls his eyes

 

“Steve, by the time you get here I would already be halfway there”

 

“Just don't move. You better not, Barnes. I'm being so serious right now” Bucky hears Steve says into the phone but he can tell his friend is moving around and grabbing stuff

 

“So, what, am I supposed to just stand here and wait for you?”

 

“Yes” Steve answers immediately 

 

Nothing new, then. 

 

“Whatever. You're being dramatic”

 

“Don't move!” Steve reminds him, ignoring his complaining. “I'll be there in a minute”

 

And then he hangs up. And Bucky is irritated, because he could be home quicker if Steve just stopped being an overprotective moron.

 

So, he has about 30 minute of getting himself more and more frustrated. He even gets enough time to practice a speech about how he should be able to leave and come back to the Tower as he wishes.

 

Of course, he deflates very quickly when he sees Steve appearing on a motorcycle.

 

Bucky knew Steve had a bike. But the last he's seen him ride one was in the 40s. 

 

How he survived it before is a mystery for current him. He’s dead wrong for ever thinking he is stronger now than he was back then, because this is insane. 

 

The combo brown leather jacket, pink cheeks and messy hair is doing something for Bucky he didn't even know was still possible. He’d probably run away before he makes a fool of himself, but his knees are a little wobbly. Not that he thinks he’d be able to look away anyways. That’s what they should show in the goddamn museum. People need to focus their attention less on Captain America fighting bad guy and more on Steve Rogers riding motorcycles. 

 

When Steve stops in front of him, he has a frown on his face, and Bucky sighs. He has a bad feeling that whatever Steve has to say is gonna break this fantasy forever.

 

Goddamnit, can he ever have nice thighs- uh, things?

 

“I can't believe you walked all the way to Queens” Steve says grumpily, crossing his arms on his chest.

 

“Why are you making a big deal out of this? I wanted a walk!”

 

“A four hours one?”

 

“I made it in two, actually”

 

Steve rolls his eyes but doesn’t comment, throwing something at him instead. Bucky almost laughs when he realizes it's not a weirdly shaped half ball but a helmet. 

 

“I'm not wearing this.”

 

“But your head”

 

“Steve. We are super soldiers”

 

“We can still get head injuries”

 

“Oh yeah? Where's your helmet?”

 

“I- Okay thats different”

 

“Right.” Bucky says, unimpressed.

 

“Fine then! Don't wear the life saving equipment. But don't come whining to me either when you get beheaded”

 

“Okay I've got two questions, first is do you think this tiny helmet would stop anyone from getting beheaded? And second is, how fast exactly are you planning to drive?”

 

Steve smirks

 

“Fast enough”

 

Bucky shakes his head and throws the helmet back, but then he hesitates. He had to climb behind Steve now, he knows that. It doesn't make it any less stressful.

 

Steve seems to notice his hesitation because he looks at the empty space behind him and then back at Bucky.

 

“I'm joking. I won't go that fast. And you can hold onto me”

 

“I'm not worried about safety, Steve.” 

 

“Then what are you worried about?”

 

“...nothing” Bucky says, climbing and letting his arms by the side of his body, trying to act casually as if this isn’t a very awkward position to be in while on a bike. “Let’s just go”

 

“Okay. You really should hang on though. I dont want you falling off. Especially without a helmet ” His best friend snarks and Bucky rolls his eyes once more but he does listen this time, wrapping his arms around Steve's chest carefully, testing the water. 

 

He doesn't know if this is weird for Steve too, but he seems tense, and his heartbeat is rather fast. Bucky squints, looking around the place. There's a few sketchy people down the street, they must be what's stressing him out.

 

“You gonna drive or what?” Bucky asks to get his friend to move, and after a few minutes he relaxes between Bucky's hands so he figures Steve must be feeling better now.

 

It’s almost enjoyable, just holding Steve like that, feeling his chest rising under his palms, breathing the smell of his hair. He’s sure for any regular person, this would be very soothing. 

 

Bucky can't say the same. He tries his very best to think of anything but the fact that he’s holding Steve very close and that his hands are all over him and that everything is vibrating . 

 

Bucky doesn’t get turned on anymore. He just doesn’t. And after what he just found out, well he honestly thought he never would again. His body is really choosing the worst moment to wake up. No, you know what? Steve is choosing the worst moment to show up on a fucking motorcycle. It just shouldn’t be legal to look that good and then press up against someone on top of a thrumming engine. It’s not okay

 

This is torture. Bucky would know.  

 

When they get to the Tower, it takes everything in him not to jump off the motorcycle and run straight back to Queens. That would be too far from Steve. No, scratch that. It wouldn't be far enough.

 

“Are you okay?” Steve snaps him out of thoughts as they walk into the elevator, bike now parked safe and sound

 

“Yeah. I was just thinking I need to go buy something tomorrow” He lies

 

“What?”

 

“A camera”

 

“You wanna take up photography now?” Steve teases

 

“No, it's for the kid”

 

“Peter already has a camera”

 

“Something happened to it and he needs a new one”

 

Steve tenses immediately by his side

 

“...What happened to it?”

 

It takes a second before he understands what Steve is implying

 

“I didn't break it”

 

“I didn't think that-”

 

“Yes you did” Bucky waves him off, taking the hit easily. It’s not Steve’s fault if nobody knows what to expect of him anymore and he doesn’t want to fight tonight. 

 

“Bucky”

 

“It's fine, Steve. Let's just go to bed, yeah?”

 

“..okay”

 

“You can come shop with me tomorrow if it makes you feel better” Bucky offers, acting as if he wanted to go alone in the first place.

 

“I’d love to”

 

“Good”

 

“You coming to sleep at mine?”

 

“Sure”

 

“Perfect.”

 

“Perfect, huh?”

 

“I just meant- Cause we have plans tomorrow”

 

“I know, Stevie. I was just teasing.”

 

“You know, it used to show whenever you were joking.”

 

“I guess you’ll have to actually learn to read my mind, then”

 

“Careful what you wish for, I might”

 

“I promise it's not worth it” Bucky says, trying to keep the conversation playful even though he almost winces at the idea of Steve, or anyone really, accessing the horrors in his mind. 

 

“I’m sure that's not true. I’d pay to glance at what’s up there”

 

“You have no idea” Bucky says, a bit bitter in spite of himself, but when Steve’s face falls a little he tries again. “It's a lot of of you throwing up in the cyclone”

 

Steve laughs a bit at that and Bucky smiles back and when they walk into the apartment the silence is much more comfortable than it was when they woke up.

 

Bucky hopes this’ll last

Notes:

Don't worry Bucky, I, too, get thirsty whenever I see Steve sitting on a motorcycle (cue to that one scene in CAATWS)

Chapter 21

Notes:

Thanks again to werid_Kayle for beta reading this story as always!

Please don't be mad at Bucky, he's just a little slow when it comes to Steve lmao
Enjoyyyyyyyy

He’s holding his sister between his arms. He’s whole again. He no longer feels like someone ripped him in half 

 

It’s weird, the way he can feel his lungs expand finally to take a real breath, for the first time in so long. He hadn’t even realized that he hadn’t been doing it anymore, hadn’t even realized how much he craved this oxygen, how much he ached for the feeling of everything being right once more. 

 

“James’’ His sister’s voice says softly, and although it should be coming from the place where her head is settled on his chest, it seems like it's coming from everywhere, all at once. Coming from the very inside of his head, even.

 

“I’m dreaming. You’re not real’’ He states knowingly, still refusing to let go, to let it end. His own voice is different, weirdly familiar, younger. 

 

Sad.

 

“Yes.’’ She answers, and Bucky already knew, but the confirmation still hurts him. “ You are dreaming. But who’s to say what's real and what’s not?’’ Rebecca asks, still speaking into his mind, and when Bucky doesn’t answer she takes a step back. He’s unable to stop her.

 

“No’’ He opposes weakly, but she raises both her hands to place on his cheeks.

 

“I am sorry I didnt come sooner, brother. I tried but… I was blocked out’’

 

“Blocked out?’’ 

 

“Your mind was keeping things from you. I couldn’t reach you, you did not dream anymore.’’

 

“Becca, I-’’

 

“Don't you dare apologize, James. There's no time. You’re the only person who still does not understand that you were also the victim, more so than a lot of people. That is not why I have come here.’’

 

“Then why?’’ 

 

His sister’s hand drops from his face to settle on her own hips instead, expression growing more serious.

 

“Because you are being stupid.’’

 

“Ah, great. Just what I needed to hear. Thanks’

 

“You are! Are you a blind man, James Buchanan Barnes?’’

 

“...no?’’

 

“Then maybe it's time you start using your goddamn eyes, you moron’’

 

“Care to elaborate?’’ Bucky asks, confused. 

 

What the hell kind of dream is that? Just his sister insulting him a bunch of times? It’s the first time since he got here that he dreamed about something not utterly terrible and this is what he gets?

 

“The things you are looking for, longing for, are already yours. Don’t you see it? Why are you trying to find them elsewhere?’’

 

“What are you talking about??’’

 

“James. Please. Listen to me.’’ His sister says, getting a bit more desperate, placing her hand above his heart. “You are putting yourself at risk.’’

 

“Becca, I need you to be more clear. I don’t understand.’’

 

Rebecca grunts in frustration.

 

“I cant. I am not supposed to interfere. But this is dangerous.’’

 

“What is dangerous??’’ 

 

“Just open your eyes!’’ His sister insists, aggravated.

As if on command, Bucky opens his eyes. Too soon. It was too soon. It wasn’t meant to happen, not yet, he can feel it. 

 

He didn’t understand. 

 

He didn’t get to hug her goodbye. He doesn't even care about being insulted all night. He just wants his sister. 

 

He feels like a fucking child. He could weep. 

 

Stupid fucking brain trying to send him subliminal messages. That’s fucked up. 

 

He lifts his hands to rub them against his face, and then lifts himself up on his elbow to check on Steve, like he usually does when he wakes up in the middle of the night, just to make sure everything’s fine, just to make sure he’s still breathing. He doesn’t think that this is new, not with the way his body does it like a reflex. It’s just normal for him. He doesn’t question it, usually just watches his friend’s chest go up once or twice and then lies back down.

 

Except Steve isn’t there now. 

 

Bucky springs upward so fast he almost rams into the wall. The clock alarm on the desk shows 3:19 AM. Steve should be here. 

 

Where is he??

 

Bucky’s not a spiritual guy by any means, but this is creeping him out. First, his sister starts talking about danger and risk and whatever, and now he wakes up to Steve being randomly not in his bed, in the middle of the goddamn night. He feels his whole body fill with a sense of doom, and pushes down the panic quickly. If Steve is in danger, he’ll have to act quickly, efficiently. He can’t be Bucky right now. 

 

He quickly checks the ensuite bathroom before springing out of the bedroom entirely, in a quiet, deadly manner, steps not making a sound on the cold floor. 

 

Whoever took Steve was not gonna get very far.

 

He stops dead in his tracks when he sees Steve sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands. 

 

So, maybe he slightly overreacted. His body is tense, ready for action, and it takes him a few seconds of staring at Steve from where he is standing before he understands that Steve has not been kidnapped, that he’s quite literally sitting right before his eyes. 

 

Stupid fucking useless dreams making him nervous for nothing. He scowls silently at subconscious Becca for wasting his time.

 

He should probably go back to bed now. Steve is obviously…busy. Sitting in the dark by himself in the dead of night. Probably nothing to worry about, right?

 

Oh for fucks sake.

 

“Nightmare?’’ Bucky asks, not taking any steps closer yet.

 

Steve’s hands drop from his head, but if he’s surprised to find Bucky awake, it doesn’t show. Bucky’s scowl turns into a frown. It’s impossible Steve heard him. Maybe he’s just getting used to being startled.

 

“Not really. Just a weird dream.’’ He says, gesturing to the chair in front of him

 

“Tell me about it’’ Bucky mumbles, sitting down.

 

Steve opens his mouth to answer but seems to change his mind, scowling down and shaking his head. 

 

“...Do you want to? Tell me about it?’’ Bucky tries again, this time more serious.

 

“It’s not important’’ Steve says, soft smile back on his face when he looks up again. “I think it’s the whole party thing getting to me. It’ll be my first time going out at an event since…sunday, and I guess I’m not sure what to expect. I already feel like the odd man out and it hasn’t even started. Brings me way back.’’ 

 

“We don’t have to go, you know. We could skip it and go see a movie instead or something.’’

 

“You’re just looking for an excuse not to go’’

 

“...yes, and?’’

 

Steve chuckles, but something settles in his eyes

 

“No. I don’t want to hide anymore. If someone has anything to say about me, then they can come say it to my face.’’

 

“They better not come say it to my face. If they want to keep their nose safe and sound.’’

 

“It shouldn’t be an issue anyways. Tony is very thorough about the checks he makes before letting people in the Tower. I just, I don’t know. Nobody was ever supposed to find out.’’

 

“I know,’’ Bucky says, because he does understand this part. 

 

It’s not quite shame anymore, but it's not quite pride either. It’s about teaching yourself to overlook this part of who you are, to put it away and accept it as being something that would always be yours only to know. It’s about getting used to having this secret, that you can’t even really admit to yourself for so long, and then waking up in a world where you’re being forced to stare at it in the face, stare at your own reflection and knowing that you are bare now. That its real. 

 

It hadn’t hit Bucky before that Steve probably felt that way, too. He’d barely thought about that when Steve came out, barely acknowledged the fact that, holy shit, Steve came out . That his friend was brave enough to look the world in the face and tell them who he was, even after so long of being taught that's something you were never supposed to do, even knowing that some people would hate him for it. Steve’s courage will always surprise Bucky, it always did back then too, back when he wondered how people could undermine his best friend simply because he was small, without even considering the fact he was fair, compassionate, and a persistent motherfucker who could maybe not take them down with his fists, but would try anyway if he witnessed you being unkind. Bucky can’t believe he didn’t realize what Steve must've been going through that day the journals decided to turn their lights bright and pointed it straight at that secret, hidden part of him. 

 

He wishes he could tell Steve that he understands. That he’s with him. No matter what. Till the end of the line.

 

Bucky thinks, no he knows that words used to come easily for him. But he finds himself at a loss, here, staring into Steve’s eyes. They’re the same that they used to be, but there's a hint of an almost resigned dull to them now. Bucky knows he’s staring at a man who lost so much that the only thing keeping him going is his own stubbornness. That he’s staring at a man who’s been so alone, because that’s the only way he knows how to suffer. Always there to support others while licking his own wounds by himself in the corner.

 

Bucky feels a familiar warmth spreading inside of his chest. the same he does whenever Steve laughs a little too hard, or trips, or when he catches him staring or when he gets flustered or basically everytime Steve does anything. He knows what it is. He knows it is love. Overwhelming, all-encompassing, unconditional love. He knows that love has been here for a long time, perhaps the only thing he has never lost, because it is planted solidly in his stomach, like a tree. A tree that hurts him whenever he thinks about its presence, but that he still gets to hold onto whenever the rest starts to sway around him. 

 

He can’t say that, of course. He knows too well Steve doesn’t feel the same, knows that admitting this would just mean hurting his best friend. He can still try to make him feel better, to make him understand that Bucky is there for him, and will be forever. If not by words, then by actions.

 

He reaches over to take Steve’s hand in his, and gives it a gentle squeeze. When Steve looks down at it, he looks almost in pain, and for a moment Bucky thinks he did the wrong thing but then Steve squeezes back and intertwines their fingers.

 

“You’re not the odd man out.’’ Bucky adds, just to make sure the message is clear, attracting Steve’s gaze back up to his face. “You never were.’’

 

His friend’s eyes searches his again, the same way they did at Coney Island, but Bucky doesn’t panic this time, doesn’t close his face off. He still doesn’t know what Steve is looking for, but whatever it is, Bucky hopes he finds it. Right now, in Steve’s dark kitchen, finger’s laced with him, Bucky’s willing to give Steve anything he might ask for. 

 

“Okay’’ Steve says after a while but he doesn’t look away. He suddenly sounds very stressed, and that causes Bucky to tense up too, and now the whole vibe of the dining room has changed and Bucky’s confused. “Buck?’’

 

“Yeah?’’ Bucky asks back, squinting suspiciously.

 

“I think there’s something- No wait, I don’t think. There is something that I really need to talk to you about, that I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for a while actually but I just didn’t want to scare you off but now I‘m starting to think-’’

 

“I have a date!’’ Bucky blurts out, and he doesn’t know why. He just didn’t want Steve to finish wherever the hell that sentence was going. Last time someone said that ‘they had to talk to him about something’ he ended up in a therapist's office, and now he has a very bad feeling it would lead to him on his own bedroom floor with Steve and Sharon living a happy couple life up here. 

 

Not that he doesn’t want that for Steve, but he’d rather push that conversation as far away as humanly possible. And there's also that fear that Steve did see a bit too far into his mind, saw what Bucky felt for him and was just about to gently reject him, which would honestly be the absolute worst, and nothing that Bucky can handle tonight. Nothing that he will probably ever be able to handle. So maybe if Steve knows about Ben, he won't see the need to tell him, he’ll just assume Bucky’s feelings were all in his imagination and that everything is fine.

 

It was worth a try.

 

It’s very efficient, apparently. 10/10 method, actually, because Steve stops talking as quickly as he’d started, and kinda just looks at him with a stunned expression on his face.

 

“What?’’

 

“I have a date’’ Bucky says with an Oscar worthy fake casual tone (if Oscars were for being terrible at stuff). “This friday. I’m freaking out about it, that’s why I’m up.’’ He lies.

 

Steve blinks once. Then twice. Then he looks down at their hands, still joined, and backs up at Bucky. Then he blinks again . 

 

“Oh’’

 

“Oh?’’

 

“No, sorry, I mean, great? Yeah, that’s great Buck. You shouldn’t freak out, I’m sure that it's gonna go well. That’s very- Hey you know what actually, there’s this thing I have to do…’’ Steve says, getting up, leaving Bucky’s hand cold on the table now. 

 

“Steve its almost four in the morning’’

 

“I know it’s just this thing I forgot, it’s very important and I just remembered that I had to do it and- But anyways, you should go to bed. I’ll be back soon alright? I just really gotta finish this…’’

 

“What is it?’’ Bucky asks but Steve is already outside of the door. 

 

Fuck. Bucky said the wrong thing again. And now he’s made Steve upset. He should’ve known it would probably worry him that Bucky met someone. He could probably arrange a meeting at some point, if everything goes well. Calm Steve’s nerves. For someone who's renowned for trying to see the good in people, he sure as hell likes to assume the worst about Bucky’s dates. Always did, even as a little guy when Bucky would go out with women. As if he was scared someone was about to come and snatch Bucky away. 

 

Granted, someone did do that eventually but it’s not like Hydra would be hiding in a coffee shop. 

 

…Right?

 

“This feels like a bad time to get thirsty’’ Sam’s voice sounds from a few meters away, and Bucky gets up and almost breaks a leg of the chair before remembering that Steve’s friend had asked to get his room back in Steve’s apartment now that Bucky was feeling better.

 

“Don’t startle the ex assassin?!’’ Bucky says, annoyed.

 

“Well maybe the ex assassin needs to not hang out in the only place where I can get water in the middle of the night.’’

 

“Who ever gets thirsty at night?’’

 

“Me, obviously’’ Sam says, but his eyes flashes to the front door.

 

“Liar’’

 

“What?’’

 

“You were spying on us!’’

 

“Hey, whoa, I wasn’t spying! I just happened to hear you guys talk loudly as fuck in the middle of the night and decided to come check it out, and maybe I happened to see Steve leave’’

 

Bucky crosses his arms on his chest.

 

“Don’t stare at me like that. It freaks me out.’’ Sam says after a few seconds.

 

“Don’t listen to my private conversations’’

 

“You’re standing in the middle of a shared space. You realize that, right?’’

 

Bucky stares. Sam lasts maybe another 40 seconds this time.

 

“Fine, damn. Just, I don’t know, whisper next time? You ever heard of whispering, Barnes?’’

 

“I’m not gonna whisper in my own damn kitchen’’

 

“This ain't your kitchen! If anything, it’s more my kitchen than yours! I got a room here.’’

 

Sam’s right, this isn’t Bucky’s place, it’s Steve’s. Maybe that had slipped his mind. He’s not gonna admit it, tho. 

 

“I could get that room if I wanted to.’’

 

“Yeah, right.’’

 

“Oh I’m sorry, how long have you been friends with Steve? Cause I’ve known him 91 years’’

 

“He spend 70 of those in the ice’’

 

“Sounds like you’re jealous to me’’

 

“You think I’m jealous of you? Steve ain’t never ran away from a conversation with me.’’

 

Bucky’s eyes slide to the doors, then back to Sam. His arms fall to his side.

 

“He had something to do.’’

 

Sam looks at him unimpressed.

 

“FRIDAY, where’s Steve right now?’’ He asks, not even bothering looking away

 

“Captain Rogers is currently in Mrs.Romanoff’s apartment.’’ The AI answers, and Bucky scowls

 

“So maybe he had something to do with Natasha’’

 

“At four in the morning?’’

 

“...yes.’’

 

“Sure buddy, whatever you need to tell yourself. I’m still the better best friend’’

 

Bucky flips him the bird and then walks past him and towards Steve’s room. He doesn’t really want to hear it anymore, or he might just head right to Natasha’s apartment and bother Steve like a clingy insecure girlfriend. 

 

“Hey, Bucky, wait!’’ Sam calls after him.

 

“What.’’ Bucky says, standing in front of the open door, not bothering to turn around to look at the other guy again.

 

“Steve… cares a lot about you.’’

 

“I know’’

 

“Am I wrong to think you care a lot about him, too?’’ 

 

“No’’ Bucky says, sighing and finally turning back toward Sam again, wondering where the hell he is going with this.

 

“Then what was that?’’

 

“What was what?’’

 

“You know’’ Sam says, gesturing towards where Bucky just came from. When Bucky only blinks at him, he sighs. “The whole date thing’’

 

“What does that have to do with me caring about Steve?’’

 

“Are you trying to make him jealous?’’

 

“What are you implying?’’ Bucky asks defensively

 

“Listen, man, I’m trying to help, here. All I’m saying you really don’t have to do any of this. You should just talk to him instead of just making stuff up.’’

 

“I’m not making anything up. The date is real.’’

 

“Then you’re even dumber than I gave you credit for’’

 

“Go to hell, Wilson’’ Bucky says, turning around to walk into the bedroom again.

 

“See you there’’ Sam says right before Bucky closes the door behind him. 

 

He doesn’t bother lying back down, and he just goes to sit by the window instead, the same way Stark had found him that morning. Turns out the view really is beautiful. He’s glad he’s able to look without feeling too afraid anymore. And during the winter, well… he’ll see. 

 

For now, he just stares at the lights and cars moving until the sun starts rising, and then he gives up on hoping that Steve will come back, and just gets ready. 

 

It’s still early, so he is a bit surprised when he walks into the main floor and finds Steve, Nat and Clint already in the kitchen, talking softly over their breakfast until they notice him. Natasha sends him a glare so cold that he thinks maybe she should be called the winter soldier, and he turns right back around. The night was short, and he’s still bitter over his conversation with Sam, and he seriously doesn’t need to argue with anyone else. 

 

“Buck, wait, where are you going?’’ Steve asks, getting up and abandoning his cereals behind.

 

“Shopping. For Peter’s camera.’’ Bucky says, half turning back around

 

“Don’t you want breakfast?’’

 

Bucky doesn’t dare let his eyes glide over to Nat’s face, thinking about the anger he saw there merely seconds ago.

 

“Not hungry.’’

 

“Alright, well if you give me a minute I’ll go get ready.’’

 

“Are you done with your thing?’’

 

“What thing?’’

 

“...The thing you said you had to finish yesterday’’

 

“OH, yeah, that thing. Uh, yes. Nat and Clint helped me to get it over with.’’

 

“Avenger’s business.’’ Clint says, crossing his arms on his chest. For fuck’s sake, even he looks a little mad. “Sorry, man’’

 

Bucky shrugs and stands there uncomfortably for a few seconds before Steve clears his throat.

 

“Alright so I’m gonna go get ready now. Just wait here, okay?’’

 

Bucky hesitates for a second, because waiting here in this room sounds kind of terrifying, but he simply nods, and then Steve is gone, and Bucky heads towards the coffee machine to avoid the freezing, awkward silence that he leaves behind. 

 

The hot coffee does nothing to warm him up once Natasha gets up to leave the room as well, Clint following behind with one small, sorry smile. 

 

He’s assuming maybe they’re still mad at him for cutting contact these last few days. He doesn’t see why else he’d be getting this cold shower for. Hopefully they’ll either be the only ones, or get over it quickly, because as of now he’s got Tony Stark, Steve and a 15 year old kid to talk to. 

 

Bucky takes another sip of coffee. 

 

He has a feeling he might need it.

Chapter 22

Notes:

Well hello, and welcome to yet another chapter of: 'How to put yourself in the friendzone and hold onto your spot for dear life' by James Buchanana Barnes
Hope you enjoy this one as well

Thanks to weird_Kayle for beta readingggggg

Steve is fast, so Bucky doesn’t have to sit with his thoughts too long, barely has time to finish his coffee, actually. 

 

Steve’s dressed pretty casually, and he clearly made an attempt to tame his now almost semi long hair, but Bucky can still tell that he didn’t go back to sleep either that night. Steve never ever looks bad anymore, doesn’t ever get that tired to the bone look he used to wear around most, but there’s still something different about him this morning.

 

It’s his smile, Bucky thinks. It looks forced.

 

Bucky’s a bit confused, to be perfectly honest. He’s not stupid, the probabilities of Steve actually remembering he had something to do in the middle of the night are unlikely, and he itches to know what's wrong. This can’t possibly all be because of his date. Steve did used to worry but never to the point of not sleeping. 

 

Bucky doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know if he should bring it up or let it go. It seems obvious Steve doesn’t want to tell him about it, just by the way he avoids looking at him, but Bucky doesn’t like that unsaid floating in between them. Maybe he should’ve let Steve finish what he had to say yesterday, maybe that's what's burdening him. Is it too late to ask?

 

He looks at Steve again, at the way he’s chewing at his bottom lip, lost in thought. It’s probably not the right moment. Or the right place. Right. It can wait. 

 

And it has nothing to do with Bucky being terrified of what it is. 

 

The elevator ride is painfully silent, so when they finally get outside, Bucky is almost relieved by the ambient sounds. He rarely appreciates them, but today they fill a black hole between he and Steve that never existed before, so he supposes there's a first time for everything. 

 

“Do you know where we’re supposed to go to buy this stuff?’’ He asks

 

“I asked FRIDAY to recommend a few places yesterday, so we can just go to those, see what we find. Closest one isss.. this way’’ Steve says, looking down at his phone and pointing to the right

 

Bucky nods and they start walking. 

 

“Know anything about cameras?’’ He asks about a few seconds, when he come across the thought

 

“No. You?’’

 

“No’’

 

“Great. That’s gonna be fun’’ Steve says with a sigh, rubbing his face with his palms. “What even happened to it anyways?’’

 

“He threw it out’’

 

“He did what?’’

 

“He threw it out’’ Bucky repeats and Steve stops walking

 

“Why??’’

 

“I can’t tell you’’ is what Bucky settles on, uncomfortable about being put between respecting his promise to Peter and being honest to Steve.

 

“You can't tell me or you won't ?’’

 

“I gave my word to the kid.’’ Bucky sighs. “But if it makes it any better, he’ll tell you himself tonight. He’ll be over for dinner’’

 

Steve's face fall.

 

“...tonight?’’

 

“Yeah. Why?’’

 

“We both have to be there tonight? For dinner?’’

 

“Yes, I promised Peter I would be with him, and he has to tell you something important. Why ?’’ He insists

 

“Nothing I just- I have a-’’

 

“I swear to God, Steven Rogers if you say that you have a thing -’’

 

“I wasn’t gonna say that!’’

 

“Then what's wrong?’’ Bucky asks, crossing his arms on his chest, people walking around them and sending them dirty looks since they’re in the middle of the way. 

 

Steve opens his mouth, and Bucky swears he’s about to say something, but he just stays like that for a moment before letting out the heaviest sighs known to mankind, closing his eyes before chuckling to himself. 

 

Steve might be losing his mind. 

 

“Of course it was gonna go wrong, I should've known.’’ He mumbles, laughing a bit harder now, although it’s not a good laugh. It's a bitter, sarcastic one, and nothing like the way Steve usually does. It makes Bucky frown, worried. 

 

“Uhh, Steve? Are you alright?’’ 

 

“Yeah, of course I’m alright Bucky. Just peachy. Aren’t I always?’’ 

 

“You’re being sarcastic’’ Bucky says, arms falling down his side, taking a step forward to be closer to Steve, to speak in lower voices now that his friend admitted something was wrong

 

“Oh really? Gee, thanks, I hadn’t noticed’’

 

“Steve.’’

 

“It’s nothing, alright? I’m just tired, Buck’’

 

“Steve.’’

 

“It’s not even that big of a deal okay? I just had something planned.’’

 

“Steve!’’

 

“What?!’’ 

 

It’s obvious to Bucky that Steve is at his wit’s end. He is conscious that he is part, if not most, of the reason why this is happening, why Steve is shouting in the middle of a busy street over dinner plans being changed. He knows this is not the reason, that there is something beyond, surely an accumulation of a lot of things. It used to happen all the time back in the 40s, Bucky remembers, and when he felt Steve tensing up he knew he’d soon find him in a back alley somewhere, beaten and bleeding, but steam effectively blown. The issue with being a superhero is Steve can’t get into random fights anymore, he has to wait for the bad guys, and it turns out the bad guys aren’t exactly lining up at their door at the moment. 

 

So, Bucky does the thing Steve did for him, over and over again these past months. Give him a safe place.

 

He opens his arms

 

“Come’’

 

“What?’’ Steve asks again, but this time it's not frustrated, or angry, it's just confused. He’s looking at Bucky, eyes going from his open arms to his face like it’s an equation he can’t solve. 

 

Bucky rolls his eyes but takes a step forward and just pulls Steve to him. 

 

His friend is tense, at first, but it only takes a few seconds before Bucky feels him literally melting into his arms, burying his face in the crook of his neck like he used to back when he was small. It’s a bit uncomfortable now that Steve is slightly taller than him, but it doesn’t matter, because that is exactly where he belongs, exactly where he is meant to be, and Bucky presses his cheek against the side of his head and they just stay there and say nothing for a while, everyone else be damned.

 

Bucky waits a moment, way after he feels that Steve is settled before he speaks again, in a soft tone.

 

“Better?’’

 

“Better.’’ Steve answers, face still pressed against him, and Bucky can’t stop the goosebumps that trails over his skin where Steve’s breath meets it. “Thank you’’

 

“That’s what friends are for, right?’’ Bucky says, and Steve pulls away.

 

“Yeah. Friends…’’ He says, looking away into the street , eyes unfocusing for a second before he shakes his head and turns back to Bucky. “I have to make a call. Or two.’’

 

“What exactly had you planned tonight? Were you going somewhere?’’

 

“It doesn’t really matter anymore.’’ Steve says, regret filling his face once again and making Bucky wish he hadn’t asked. “Peter is more important. I can do my plans another day. Or I guess maybe we could- Do you want to do lunch today? With me?’’

 

“...I thought it was already implied we would? Since we’re doing that whole shopping thing?’’

 

“Yeah but I mean really go on lunch’’

 

“As opposed to what?’’

 

“Do you want to go eat with me or not?’’

 

“Sure Steve, we can really go on lunch after we buy the camera’’ Bucky chuckle, a bit confused and Steve looks genuinely happy again

 

“Nice. It’s a date.’’

 

“I’m pretty sure you can’t just say ‘its a date’ if we’re already out and heading to the place’’

 

“Oh my God’’ Steve groans before he starts walking to the destination again. “You’re a very frustrating person to hang around, Buck, you know that?’’

 

“Wait, did I miss something?’’ Bucky says, turning around to walk after him. “I feel like I missed something’’

 

Steve only scoffs at that, and that makes Bucky believe even more that he probably missed something, but the black hole is gone and Steve smile is real again and he doesn’t even really look that annoyed, so he doesn’t linger on it too much, just falling into step with his best friend, feeling at peace for the first time since he’d woken up last night. When they reach their first stop, Steve tells him to go in while he makes the calls he needs to make, so Bucky does.

 

The shop is cute, nothing like those gigantic warehouse looking places that Clint likes to drag him into. It’s small, though, and filled to the brim with things of all sort, making Bucky wonder if perhaps FRIDAY took them to the wrong adress. There's an elderly lady sitting at the counter, and from the intermittent snoring sound that she makes, Bucky assumes she’s sleeping. He snorts softly, walking through the aisles. This is the type of place that reminds him of before, and he takes great interest in the older things he finds on the shelves.

 

As he’s admiring a wooden toy that he’s pretty sure he’s played with back in the 30’s, he feels a sudden weight on his shoe, and when he looks down, he finds a little ball of white fur looking up at him with big bright blue eyes. 

 

“Well, hello you’’ He says, crouching to pet the kitten’s little head with his fingers. It can’t be more than two or three months old. “What are you doing here?’’ He coos softly.

 

Bucky has always had a soft spot for cats. There. He said it. 

 

He can’t help it. They’re just so soft and cute with their little paws and sassy attitude. There’s nothing he can do about it. 

 

The cat purrs happily as Bucky’s finger goes through its fur, even going as far as letting out a little meow that makes Bucky’s heart melt instantly. 

 

“20$.’’ He hears a voice say, and when his head snaps up, the old lady is looking right at him. “It’s good for mice’’

 

“Why don’t you keep it, then?’’

 

“I’ve got 5 more of those, plus the mom. 20$’’ She repeats and Bucky lets his ungloved hand go over the little head once more.

 

He has to remind himself that he doesn’t own his apartment at the Tower, and that he has no idea how Tony would react if he brought back an animal, but it's hard with the kitten pressing its face against his finger, so he reluctantly pulls himself up, ignoring the angry meow that follows said action.

 

 “I’m sorry, I’m actually just looking for a camera’’

 

“15$’’ 

 

“You found a 15$ camera?’’ A voice asks behind Bucky and he turns his head to answer Steve.

 

“No’’

 

“15$ for the cat’’ The lady points down at Bucky’s feet with her cane from behind the counter, and when Steve's eyes drifts down, he looks absolutely delighted.

 

He walks over and squats down in a similar position than the one Bucky was in a few seconds back.

 

“Well aren’t you just adorable’’ Steve gasps, taking the kitten into his arms, to its utmost pleasure. “Are you buying a cat?’’ He asks, looking up at Bucky

 

“Tony would kill me’’ Bucky says, unsure, and Steve lifts himself up, cat still in his arms, and snorts

 

“No he wouldn’t. Nat has like three of them. Or four. I’m not sure, she keeps getting more. Clint also brings Lucky around sometimes.’’

 

“Who?’’

 

“Lucky. His dog.’’

 

“Clint has a dog??’’

 

“He does’’ Steve nods, smiling when the kitten lifts a little paw and places it on his jaw. “You want it?’’ He asks

 

“I don’t know, Steve…’’ Bucky says. 

 

Of course he wants the cat. Obviously he wants the cat. 

 

But he doesn’t think it's a good idea. Truth is, Bucky is dangerous. What if he falls apart again and there's nobody to take care of the kitten? Or what if he breaks down and accidentally hurts it? What if his metal arm malfunctions while he’s holding it and he crushes it to death?

 

“What about I show the cameras to your boyfriend while you spend some time with her to make up your mind?’’ The lady asks, walking over to them slowly, wobbling. 

 

“Oh he’s not my-’’

 

“Good idea’’ Steve interrupts him, pushing the cat (who Bucky now knows is apparently a girl) into his arms and offering his own to the grandma, who smiles at him and points in a direction while Bucky stays there dumbfounded, kind of offended to be left behind. That is, of course, until the kitten buries her little head in the crook of his neck just like Steve had done earlier.

 

He doesn’t need much more persuading, really. He lets his finger carefully thread through the fur, careful not to use his metal arm, fear still settled somewhere in his guts. The feline is purring loudly, content, unaware of the decision battling in Bucky’s mind.

 

His mom used to say cats were great judges of characters. They never had one, his dad was allergic, but he remembers his mom feeding the strays, and the way his dad would get angry, saying that she was gonna attract a whole army of them, without ever actually trying to stop her from doing so. 

 

Well if cats are supposed to be great judges of character, this one is probably the dumbest of the lot, although her little eyes are telling a different story. 

 

Bucky doesn't actually know how long he spends with the kitten, burying his face in her soft fur, babbling stuff at her, or trying to stop her from pulling on that thread in his shirt, but after a while someone taps on his shoulder. When he lifts his head, Steve is grinning at him, gesturing to a bag in his hands. 

 

“Lets go’’

 

Bucky nods, dejectedly putting his baby back on the floor. 

 

“What are you doing?’’ Steve asks

 

“Giving the cat back’’

 

“No, no, it's yours’’

 

“What?!’’

 

“I bought it for you’’

 

“Steve, I really don’t know if this is a good idea’’ Bucky says, uncertainty seeping into his tone

 

Steve looks down at the cat, who is now actively trying to climb Bucky’s leg while complaining loudly, and then back up at him with an unimpressed stare.

 

“You like the cat, the cat likes you, it's a match. Simple as that.’’

 

“Nothing’s that easy’’

 

“It could be’’ Steve shrugs with a little smile. “It should be.’’

 

Bucky looks down at the cat, considering. Maybe Steve is right. He did say that he would try, didn’t he? Maybe it’s time he trust himself a bit more, maybe it's time he does something that makes him happy just because it does. 

 

“Just take her home, wont ya?’’ Steve adds and Bucky sighs, giving in

 

“Fine, but we have to go buy a bunch of stuff for her too, now.’’

 

“We have time’’ Steve smiles

 

“I guess we do’’ Bucky says, grabbing the cat and waving to the lady as they head out. “Did you get a camera?’’

 

“No…’’ Steve says, face scrunching up sheepishly as Bucky looks down to the bag he’s holding. “She only had old ones, but then I felt too bad not to buy anything and I think she sort of felt it, and she started bringing all this stuff out…’’

 

“So you got scammed by a grandma’’

 

“I think so, yeah’’ Steve chuckles and Bucky shakes his head but he’s got a big smile on his face, and a little fur ball inside of his jacket, so life is good. 

 

They do end up buying a fancy camera for Peter (turns out the right shop was actually on the other side of the street) and then go to the pet store to buy what they need for their new guest. Bucky even gets her a cat collar with her name engraved on it (Alpine, cause she’s white just like snow, and it's more than time that Bucky associates that with something good) and a bunch of unnecessary but hilarious toys (since when do they make punching bags for cat and why is it so goddamn adorable), and by the time its lunch time, they’re already done with their shopping. 

 

Steve takes them to a pet friendly restaurant with an outside terrasse and a nice waitress who brings out a little bowl of milk for Alpine, who has already understood that she was to be treated like royalty, head popping out of the unzipped part of Bucky’s jacket. She doesn’t hesitate to jump out into his lap and to the ground where the waitress had just settled the bowl, and Bucky already misses the warmth of it. He’s gonna be a real sucker for that cat, he can feel it. 

 

They order their food, and Steve starts to nervously fold and unfold his napkin, so Bucky isn’t too surprised when his voice is a little strained when he speaks next.

 

“Today was fun’’ His friend says, smile warm on his face, contrasting with the stressed tone of his voice

 

“Yeah it was’’ Bucky says. “And it’s not technically over yet. We still have to really eat lunch’’

 

Steve rolls his eyes and shakes his head softly, but there's no bite to it.

 

“So, you had a good time?’’

 

“Yes, I did’’ Bucky says, cocking his head to the side. 

 

Steve doesn’t usually crave validation, but maybe it's a new thing. Bucky’s not gonna overthink it too much.

 

“Maybe we could… you know, do it more often then?’’

 

“Do what more often? Shopping? Might get expensive’’

 

“I mean, yeah, that, or other stuff. Just us two .’’ Steve insist on the last part, and Bucky must really be slow because he does not understand

 

“We spend most of our time just us two’’

 

“I know’’ Steve says, cheeks a bit red from what Bucky assumes is frustration. He focuses, not trying to upset Steve again. “I just mean outside stuff. Like, activities. Like, going out. Go out together’’

 

“Sure’’ Bucky says, trying to keep the confused frown out of his face. “We can go out more if you want, Stevie’’

 

“I’m not sure you’re understanding me’’

 

“I’m going to need you to be more clear then’’

 

“I want us to go out together more. Just us.’’

 

Bucky feels himself grow more frustrated. It's obvious Steve wants him to read between the lines, but he doesn’t understand what more there could be to this. He thinks about Sam, that night, about the way he asked Bucky if he told Steve about the date to make him jealous. 

 

Maybe that's the issue? Maybe Steve is jealous that Bucky met someone, and he doesn’t want to lose his #1 spot?

 

“Is this about my date tomorrow?’’ Bucky asks, straight up, because he doesn’t want to beat around the bush anymore.

 

“It’s part of it’’ Steve answers, clearly uncomfortable

 

“Steve’’ Bucky says, staring at his friends with intent. “Even if I do end up with the guy, we’re still gonna be able to go out and do stuff together. You don’t have to worry about that. You’ll always be my best friend’’

 

Steve lets out an audible groan at that, and its obviously not what he wanted to hear, but Bucky honestly doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do anymore.

 

“You have got to be kidding me’’ Steve mumbles

 

“Okay, seriously, what is going on? I am looking at you in the face and telling you you have nothing to worry about. He’s a great guy, Steve, you’ll like him I’m sure.’’

 

“I don’t want to like him, Buck’’

 

“Then what do you want?!’’

 

“If you’d just listen to me-’’ Steve starts speaking, and of course that's the moment the waitress decides to come with their food, because why not.

 

“I’m sorry, is this a bad time?’’ She asks awkwardly, holding the two plates in her hands. 

 

“No’’ Steve says, dropping the napkin back on the table. “I’m starting to think destiny or God or whatever doesn’t want me to say what I have to say. Don’t worry about it’’ Steve smiles sourly at her, and she puts the plate down, apologizing one last time before skittering back inside. 

 

The silence she leaves behind is defeated, and Steve is stubbornly looking down at his food, although he’s not making a move towards it. Bucky sighs.

 

“Steve, I- You’re important to me. Your opinion is important to me. If you think I shouldn’t go, I won’t. But I can’t read your mind, not anymore. I need you to tell me things.’’

 

“Do you like him?’’ Steve asks, voice barely more than a whisper, still not looking up to meet his gaze

 

“...I don’t know. I think so’’

 

“Does he make you happy?’’

 

“It’s a bit early to tell, isn’t it?’’ Bucky asks, a bit confused, scratching the back of his neck but when he’s met with silence, he continues “He hasn’t made me sad yet’’

 

Steve lifts his head now, and holds the eye contact, although Bucky is unable to read any emotions in his eyes currently. He lifts his hand and lets it land on Bucky’s cheek softly over the table, not really applying any pressure at all, like a butterfly landing on his face. He strokes gently, just once, with his thumb, but when Bucky leans into the touch, Steve’s hand drops back to its original place on the table, as if nothing happened at all.

 

“Then you should go’’ Steve says, before clearing his throat and looking back at the food. “You wanna take this to go instead? I’m not really hungry anymore’’

 

Bucky frowns at the sudden change of conversation, eyes focused on Steve’s hand.

 

“...sure.’’ He answers.

 

Steve nods and gets up.

 

“I’m gonna go see if the waitress can give us something to put this into.’’ He says, turning around.

 

“Wait, Steve.’’ Bucky calls, and Steve atops a second before turning around. “Is there anything else? That you wanna say?’’ He asks, because he has a vague feeling, something that almost feels like nausea, that maybe, maybe Steve was trying to ask him out on a date earlier.

 

Maybe.

 

It makes a bit of sense, when he thinks about it. If it’d be anyone else, Bucky would probably be persuaded that they were trying to come onto him.

 

But this is Steve.

 

That would be silly, wouldn’t it?

 

“There's nothing else’’ Steve says, voice still devoid of emotion, and Bucky nods, letting him leave once more to get inside.

 

Surely his mind is making stuff up. 

 

Did Steve just stroke his cheek??

 

Okay. 

 

He shouldn't panic. There's nothing to panic about. Is there???

 

He needs to discuss this with someone rational, someone unbiased who can tell him he’s imagining things just so his brain can go back to thinking straight, because now its is just pointing out every weird interaction he’s had with Steve is the past, and Oh my God, surely he can’t have been so blind. No, this has to be wishful thinking.  

 

Tony and Clint are obviously not an option. He said someone rational . Can’t be Steve, for evident reasons. Peter is fifteen. Sam hates his face. Nat, too, apparently. 

 

Maybe Bruce? Bucky would, except he’s fairly certain the man has little to zero experience in anything romantic. He can just see his face, can already hear him tell Bucky that he need to have this conversation with Steve instead. Nope, not what he needs. 

 

That leaves him with Vision, which might be a good option, considering he’s definitely unbiased, but they’re not particularly close, and he kinda freaks Bucky out, so…

 

“Loki. Where the hell are you when I need it?’’ He groans, but then Steve is back to the table with doggy bags, and Bucky can’t be thinking about this stuff when around him to avoid risks of doing something stupid like asking him directly, or kiss him maybe.

 

Bucky needs to not be thinking about kissing Steve right now. Bucky needs to not be thinking about Steve kissing him back.

 

He clears his throat, lifting himself up the table, tense as a bowstring. He picks up Alpine from the ground, where she was happily purring, rolled into a ball at his feet just a few seconds back, and put her back in her spot inside his jacket before looking around for the check.

 

“Where do we pay for it?’’

 

“I already did.’’ Steve waives him off, and his closed expression is really starting to freak Bucky out.

 

“You didn’t have to do that’’

 

“I know, I wanted to. That’s what friends are for, right? Isn’t that what you said earlier?’’ Steve asks, and although his tone stays measured, his jaw is clenched. 

 

Bucky doesn’t know what to do. He just doesn’t. He wants to make Steve feel better, but he doesn’t know if he’s making it up, doesn’t know if by asking he’d be making it worse. There has to be another reason. He’s gonna need to sit down, and think about this first. 

 

He’s thinking about every interaction, every little thing that people have said to him, to Steve, to them in the past, trying to pay more attention to Steve's reaction to those, but he doesn’t know. That's just how Steve always was. Surely Steve didn't like him from the start and just said nothing, right?

 

…right??

 

But if that's true, and the reaction of Steve, and of others, to them was because Steve had… feeling for him, then it means people know, and just are not telling him. 

 

Bucky’s getting pissed now.

 

Is that why he’s been feeling like everyone was talking a different language from him? Can’t they just say stuff? Do they all just assume he can fucking read minds or something? With his social skills???

 

He accidentally lets an annoyed grunt out loud, and Steve turns to him, finally done with packing all of the untouched food, one of his eyebrows raised with a questioning look at his sudden sound. Bucky ignores him, scowling, and turns around to walk away. 

 

Steve follows him, but neither makes the effort to break the silence this time, and when they get to The Tower, they both head to their own apartments without even saying goodbye. Bucky spends his afternoon settling Alpine in, and brooding, and preparing Peter’s gift, and brooding some more. 

 

He exchanges a few texts with Shuri, but his pride won't let him ask her about Steve, about what all of this might mean, and he already knows her opinion on their relationship, so he doesn’t bother. It does make him grow more frustrated, tho, and he decides to go to the gym. He hasn’t used the punching bags yet, hasn’t let himself blow steam off in any way that might come off as violent, but if he doesn’t do it now, he might explode. Everything is too much. He doesn’t want to have to think anymore.

 

He heads down, crossing his fingers that nobody will be there, and curses silently when he finds Nat, apparently practicing throwing a knife with a precision that would usually impress Bucky. If his blood wasn’t boiling.

 

Natasha doesn’t seem too happy to see him there either, and she crosses her arms on her chest when he starts walking towards the punching bags

 

“Those are Steve’s’’ She says flatly

 

“I don’t give a shit’’ He spits back with venom in his tone, and she seems taken aback for a second, head cocking to the side slightly

 

“You’re mad’’ She says this time with a bit of confusion in her tone. “Why? What happened?’’

 

“What about you tell me what happened, since apparently everyone in this fucking place knows things that I don’t’’

 

She lets her arms fall to the side. 

 

“Shopping spree didn’t go as planned?’’ She asks sarcastically, but there's uncertainty in her tone, as if she’s trying to figure out what she’s allowed to say, and Bucky smiles sourly at her, turning around to walk towards the punching bags again. “What about dinner plans? You got any?’’ She asks, and Bucky sighs, annoyed, stopping once more.

 

“What- Yes, matter of fact, I do. Peter’s coming tonight. You should all already know this.’’

 

“Peter? Tonight?’’ She asks, a little frown on her face. 

 

“Yes. Why is everyone acting so weird about dinner anyways?’’

 

“Did Steve not… talk to you?’’

 

Bucky chuckles bitterly.

 

“The day people starts talking to me, I’ll be sure to let you know, Romanoff.’’ He says, and she let her arms fall to her side, confusion switching to frustration on her face, although it doesn’t seem to be directed toward him.

 

“Spar with me’’

 

“What?’’

 

“You wanna punch someone in the face, not a bag. Spar with me’’

 

“I don’t-’’ Bucky says, anger deflating in his chest. “I could hurt you’’

 

Natasha snorts.

 

“Yeah, right. Come on.’’ She insists, walking towards the mats and Bucky hesitates for a second before he follows her. 

 

He stops right before the mattresses, frown growing on his face. He’s not sure about this. He hasn’t fought since Zemo- Since Tony-...since he got his new arm. He never even tried it out in combat yet.

 

“You gonna stare all day or come over here and fight me?’’

 

“I don’t want to fight you’’

 

“That’s a lie, Barnes, and you know it’’

 

“I just don’t understand why nobody’s being clear with me’’

 

“And I don’t understand why you keep pretending we’re not’’

 

“I’m not- okay, you know what? Fine.’’ He says, walking closer, mats making a soft little whooshing sounds under his feet, placing himself in a defensive position. “Let’s do this.’’

 

She smirks, and by the time Bucky realizes he fell straight into her trap, it’s too late, and she’s already throwing punches at him, kicking him behind the knees, coiling around him so fast that Bucky has to close his mind entirely to let his body do the work, muscle memory taking over as he blocks her hit, landing a few good one himself. 

 

They keep at it for an impressive while, neither falling to the ground or giving up, until they both end up staring at the other, a few meters away, taking in labored breaths. Nat’s hair are sticking to her forehead, and she looks slightly impressed, so when she holds out a hand in front of him to shake, Bucky considers it.

 

He still feels angry, but if he fights until that anger is gone, then he will be fighting to his death. He shakes her hand.

 

Grave mistake.

 

She pulls him down almost as soon as their palm meets, and he finds himself on his back, a knee pressed against his throat.

 

“Come on, James. You’re smarter than this’’ She says with a victorious grin, but there's another layer there, again, something she’s not saying outright. 

 

“You’re right’’ He grunts. “Maybe I’m not trusting the right people.’’

 

The smile falls from her face.

 

“That’s not what I-’’

 

He pushes her knee slightly to the side, freeing himself before he pulls his body back up and turns back to her with a small, lopsided smile and a little nod.

 

“Thanks. I needed this.’’ He interrupts her. He knows what she meant. He thinks?

 

She opens her mouth, and Bucky thinks he almost sees empathy in her eyes before she blinks it away, seemingly reconsidering her next words.

 

“Any time.’’

 

“See you. At dinner tonight.’’ He says, heading out. “And for fuck’s sake text everyone to let them know Peter’s coming so they stop making weird plans’’ He shouts as he exits

 

He hears her sighs echo in the room as the door closes behind him and he head toward his apartment again, feeling more settled, as long as he doesn’t think about the fact Steve is mad at him, or that he’s mad at Steve, or that he wants to go over there and asks Steve to tell him the truth.

 

But if Steve doesn’t feel the same, if this is all in his head, he’ll lose him. He knows how this goes. 

 

Bucky Barnes cannot lose Steve Rogers. He will do anything in his power to avoid that, even if it means never be able to really, truly, have him. 

 

Maybe he’s too distracted, and that’s why he doesn’t notice that something is off immediately when he walks into his apartment, why it takes him a few seconds to notice someone standing in the corner, a cocky smirk on their face.  

 

“What the fu-’’ Bucky says, startling when the figures move, snapping him into fight mode again until he recognizes his friend.

 

“You called for me?’’ Loki asks, snorting at Bucky’s obvious surprise.

 

“What? No I didn’t? Did I?’’ Bucky asks, frowning. “Can you hear every time I say your name or something?’’ He asks, thinking about what he said earlier at the restaurant.

 

“I can’t. Heimdall can. I asked him to keep an eye on you, make sure you didn’t get into funny business without me, and then he said you needed me. So here I am. Who are we fighting?’’ Loki asks, dagger twirling around his finger, although the smirk doesn't leave his face

 

“We’re not fighting anyone, it’s more… complicated than that.’’ Bucky winces at the idea that now he has to explain everything.

 

“Well please, go ahead’’ Loki frowns, clearly curious

 

Bucky sighs. This is going to be a long conversation.

 

He brought this on himself, honestly.

Notes:

Yes, Steve's plan was just 'outrun the other guy and get a date first'

He needs to starts confessing very soon because EVERYONE'S GETTING SICK OF YOUR GAMES, STEVEN

Chapter 23

Notes:

My passion in life is to make every single relationship Bucky has with anyone in this fic progress except for Steve

Enjoyyyyy

And thanks to weird_Kayle for beta reading this chapter! Yall know the drill

The silence is loud. Like insanely loud. 

 

Loki is hunched on himself on the table, hands massaging his temple, immobile ever since Bucky finished telling him everything, eyes fixated on the table. 

 

Bucky really wants him to say something, anything. This is starting to freak him out a little. 

 

Is this how he comes off to other people??

 

He’s gotta start talking more. 

 

He’s almost startled when Loki pull back into his chair, looking up and letting out a sigh.

 

“I can’t believe this is what you called me for’’

 

“I did not actually call you at all, so’’ Bucky says defensively, crossing his arm on his chest

 

“This is the stupidest problem I’ve ever heard.’’

 

“If you don’t know how to help, just say that’’

 

Loki looks back down at him, eyes squinting.

 

“Even if I wanted to, you’re obviously helpless’’

 

“Coming from an expert, huh?’’

 

“I’ve been with people!’’

 

“But have you ever been in a serious relationship?’’

 

“Have you ?’’ Loki snarks back and then they just stare at each other for a minute, before Bucky gives and looks away. 

 

There's a few beats of silence before Loki speaks again, and the cutting edge is almost absent of his tone this time

 

“How long?’’

 

“How long what?’’ Bucky asks gruffly back, still petty

 

“How long have you been in love with him?’’

 

Bucky could deny it. That's his first instinct, as soon as he hears the word, just to get defensive. But when he lets his eyes meet Loki’s again, he knows there’s no point. He’s not Steve, he knows when a fight has been lost, and Loki has already read him like a book. He sighs

 

“A long time’’ He answers, because he can’t remember a time where he did not love Steve Rogers, nor does he remember when that love turned into downright devotion, into yearning. 

 

He has always loved Steve, but he does not know when that sweetness started rotting inside of him, he does not know when he decided to rip his heart from his ribcage and place it between Steve’s hand instead. 

 

“And you have never done anything about it?’’

 

Bucky scoffs

 

“I can’t tell him’’

 

“I didn’t say you should tell him. I asked if you did something about him. You can’t be completely oblivious about how to seduce someone, are you?’’

 

“Of course not’’

 

“So, seduce him’’

 

Bucky shouldn’t get flustered. Really, that's not like him. So why is his face getting hot?

 

“No I’m not gonna- I can’t- Okay this was pointless you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.’’

 

“You’re a coward’’ Loki says, with an amused frown. “Who would've guessed.’’

 

“This is Steve we’re talking about.’’

 

“So I’m told’’

 

“I can’t seduce Steve! He’s like a- No but seriously have you met him? The other day Natalia said he had nice tits and I thought he was gonna jump off the window, or possibly explode’’

 

“Listen Barnes, I’m not saying you should go knock on his door right now and do him, I’m just telling you you should flirt with him. Show him you’re interested.’’

 

“And if he’s not? Then I just made a fool out of myself and lost my best friend'’

 

“Okay first of all, that would be very surprising considering what you just told me. And second of all, I have met Rogers, and before you he had this weird lost look on his face, and now he’s all like starry eyes and lovesick, it's disgusting. I doubt light flirting is going to be enough to get him away from you, even if he wasn’t interested, and he is.’’

 

“Yeah well, I know Steve loves me an abnormal amount, I’m not stupid. But that doesn’t mean he’s in love with me. He’s just very big on loyalty’’

 

Loki snorts.

 

“To you’’

 

“What?’’

 

“Loyalty to you . Didn’t he betray like half of his friends just to prove your innocence?’’

 

“I hate how much you know about this’’

 

“But you see my point’’

 

“It was more complicated than that’’

 

“Are you being stupid on purpose or were you born this way?’’

 

“I’m starting to understand why no one likes you here’’ Bucky says, rolling his eyes and ignoring the question

 

“I mean, you do not have to listen to me, I’m just the smartest person that you know’’ 

 

“Didnt you plan to take over Earth fail, like miserably?’’

 

Loki glares at him.

 

“I was being tortured and mind controlled, obviously not the greatest state of mind’’

 

“I could have easily taken over the earth when I was tortured and mind controlled.’’

 

“Because you had someone do the thinking for you’’

 

“...Not wrong’’

 

“I’m never wrong’’

 

Bucky sighs, sogging down, pressing the heel of his palm into his eyes. He’s so goddamn tired.

 

“Hey now’’ Loki says after a while, and he almost sounds empathic now. It’s out of place, and kinda scary. “Just try to do the flirting thing, okay? If it really goes terribly wrong, then I can always sneak you into Asgard and give you a new identity.’’

 

“You’d do that?’’ Bucky asks, lifting his head with a surprised raise of his brow

 

“Meh, it would save me a bunch of trips, I suppose’’

 

Bucky’s lips curl up slightly

 

“Aww, you like me’’ He teases

 

“I do not.’’ Loki snaps, and the death stare that he sends Bucky’s way would make any normal person terrified, but Bucky’s not normal, so he laughs, and eventually Loki shakes his head with a little smirk. “Get back on track, Barnes.’’

 

“Okay, Loki, even if I wanted to flirt with Steve, I couldn’t. He’s mad at me right now’’

 

“Most people I’ve had sex with were mad at me at one point or another. It doesn’t matter. Flirt with him anyways.’’

 

“What, like, at dinner? Right in front of everyone? Fuck no’’

 

It’s Loki’s turn to sigh now.

 

“What about Saturday? Don’t you have your little death celebration?’’

 

“Our what?’’

 

“The spooky party. Thor wouldn’t stop talking about it’’ Loki says, eyes drifting for a moment, a flash of pain on his face before he looks back at Bucky. “Hallowine?’’

 

“Oh, Halloween. Yeah, Stark’s organizing something, but there’ll be loads of people there too.’’

 

“Yeah, but aren’t parties the best place to flirt? Nobody’s gonna be paying attention. And if anything, you can always blame it on the drinks’’

 

“I can’t get drunk’’

 

“Yes you can’, Loki waves him off and Bucky frowns. “I’ll bring down something for you. Asgardian Ale. Could get any regular mortal drunk with a sip or two, should do the trick.’’

 

“You gonna be there?’’

 

Loki chuckles coldly.

 

“I would rather die’’

 

“No invitations, then?’’

 

“I did not want one.’’

 

“Sure,’’ Bucky says skeptically. “But whatever, I’ll take a drink with you before the party’’

 

“Or I come back tomorrow night and we have our own celebration. I can guarantee you it’d be more fun, and I can leave before the real one starts the day after that.’’

 

Bucky almost says yes, but then he frowns. He’s supposed to be busy tomorrow, isn’t he?

 

Fuck.

 

Ben.

 

He groans into his palms.

 

“No need to be that dramatic, I don’t have to come’’ Loki says 

 

“No, it's just that I forgot.’'

 

“What did you forget?’’

 

“I have a date. Tomorrow.’’

 

“Well, that’s marvellous!’’ Loki says, clapping his hands with a grin. “Perfect! Why didn’t you tell me this before?’’

 

“That’s not supposed to be a good thing. Why are you acting like it's a good thing? I have to turn him down, now.’’

 

“What? No! Don’t do that!’’

 

“But you said I should flirt with Steve’’ Bucky squints, confused

 

“Yes, and going on that date will make you desirable. Does he know about it?’’

 

“Yes’’

 

“Is it driving him crazy already? I bet it is.’’ Loki says with a proud little smile on his face and Bucky just blinks at him.

 

“I can’t go on a date with someone just to make Steve jealous. That wouldn’t be fair to them.’’

 

“Not everything has to be that deep. Go on the date, enjoy yourself, let whoever that guy is enjoy himself as well, get some practice on the flirting field. And maybe make someone else jealous at the same time. I don’t see the downside, here.’’

 

“I don’t want to use someone’’

 

“You’re not using him, you’re spending time with him. Surely if you agreed to go in the first place it must be because you wanted to, right?’’

 

“I mean sure but…’’

 

“So, just don’t change the plans. Go on the date. Have fun, for once. Wouldn’t kill you.’’

 

Bucky considers it for a moment, guilt already seeping into his guts like a poison. He could go, hypothetically. He does owe Ben a coffee. And maybe they could be friends, if he and Steve…yeah no, not that it's gonna happen but he does genuinely like Ben. 

 

And it's just coffee.

 

“Fine. I’ll go’’

 

“Great. I will be waiting here. You must tell me everything.’’

 

“Are my problems fun to you?’’

 

“...yes.’’ Loki answers, looking at him as if that was supposed to be obvious from the start.

 

Bucky stares at his friend, unimpressed, then rolls his eyes. 

 

“Come tomorrow night. Bring your special alcohol.’’

 

“Will do.’’

 

“Now,’’ Bucky says, looking at the clock, which shows 16:10. “I have to go. Kid’s gonna get here soon, and I want to meet him downstairs.’’

 

“Why?’’ Loki asks, face wrinkling in confusion

 

“...because I said I would?’’

 

“Why?’’

 

“Because I care about him’’

 

“Sounds exhausting.’’

 

“ You’re exhausting. I’m never saying your name out loud ever again’’

 

“Oh no, I won't be able to hear you whine like a maiden for hours? What will I ever do?’’ Loki says, face flat, a hint of mischief in his eyes.

 

“Nobody asked for your help.’’

 

“You quite literally did. I see your memory isn’t getting any better’’ Loki says, raising a brow, and Bucky really wants to throw something at him but he doesn’t have the time. He just turns around and walks towards the door, grabbing Peter's camera, that he just decided to put in a paper bag after looking all day for anything to wrap it in, before turning one last time to throw Loki an insult, on second thought.

 

“You’re a dick’’

 

“See you tomorrow!’’ Loki shouts, his laughs following after Bucky once the door is closed behind him, and he rolls his eyes.

 

How the hell does one become friends with a bitchy alien?

 

He can’t think about it too much. Even the basic things aren’t making sense anymore, so for now he’ll just have to keep pretending it's not weird that a God randomly decided he liked hanging out with him, or he might just start going crazy. 

 

He reaches the lobby just in time to see Peter walking in with Tony and Pepper, clearly uncomfortable, and Bucky wonders how much questioning he’s been under during the drive from school to here. The look of pure relief on Peter’s face when he notices him is enough to let him know the answer must be too much.

Peter almost runs to where he’s leaning beside the elevators.

 

“You’re here!’’

 

Bucky snorts, ruffling the kid’s hair fondly with his free hand.

 

“Of course I’m here. I said I’d be’’

 

“ Why exactly are you here?’’ Tony asks, as he walks up to them, a confused frown on his face.

 

“I live here," Bucky says, looking around, playing dumb.

 

“Couldn’t you wait upstairs?’’ Tony asks, squinting suspiciously at him now

 

“I didn’t want to’’ Bucky says, squinting back in defiance.

 

Pepper sighs beside Tony, already seemingly fed up with them.

 

“Is anyone gonna press the elevator button or are we just gonna stand in the lobby?’’

 

“I don’t know, is anyone gonna tell me what is going on?’’ Tony asks back, crossing his arms, eyes narrowing to the kid now.

 

“I will, okay? I just want to do it in front of everyone. I promise’’ Peter answers beside him, and he sounds so exhausted Bucky feels the urge to step in front of him protectively, except he doesn’t, because Stark would probably swat him across the head.

 

Frustration flashes across Tony’s face but he uncrosses his arm, and Bucky hears the elevator door behind him, and they have to step sideways to let a few people scurry out before they step in, awkward silence filling the small space, and Peter is very obviously nervous about it, sending sideway’s look to Stark every two seconds.

 

“So, how was school?’’ He asks , an attempt at distracting it, and for some reason Tony scoffs.

 

“It was nice. Pretty normal. I got to make some web’’

 

“You’re still making that at school?!’’ Stark asks, joining in. “There's literally a dedicated space in my lab, just for that, with top notch materials. And you’re deciding to make it in a high school’’

 

“I was starting to run out!’’

 

“Yeah, why is that? Tower doors weren’t locked. Pepper, did we lock the doors?’’

 

“Tony…’’ Pepper warns him, hand squeezing his arm slightly

 

“What? I can’t be the only one who finds this sketchy.’’

 

Peter is starting to get visibly distraught now, and Bucky is about to say something when the elevator door open to the communal floor, and the kid almost jumps out of it, only stopping once he realizes that Bucky isn’t following, turning to urge him with his big scared eyes.

 

Bucky sighs. If this kid managed to make him, an ex brainwashed assassin who can barely act like a human half of the time, his comfort person, he’s gonna have to start seriously worrying about his self preservation skills. Great. Another thing to keep him turning at night. Just what he needed.

 

He walks out and heads towards the dining room, aware of Peter’s steps following him, and of Stark’s somewhat angry stare drilling holes at the back of his head. He wonders how many more people he can accidentally get to be mad at him before this day ends. 

 

For a second, he misses the peaceful life he lived in Romania, the way no one was ever ever mad at him, but then he remembers that was because there wasn’t anyone to be, and he slows down to match Peter’s pace.

 

“You ready for this?’’ He asks, keeping his voice low

 

“I think so’’ Peter says, voice uncertain, and he stops before they cross the threshold. “Do you think they’ll be mad?’’

 

“Maybe. But it's nothing unforgivable’’ Bucky tries at reassuring, resting his hand on the kid’s shoulder and squeezing slightly. “And I’m here’’

 

Peter nods with a little lopsided smile, and someone clears their throat behind them.

 

“You guys are gonna enter or just whisper secrets to each other in the middle of the doorway all night?’’ Tony asks and Bucky sighs, dropping his hand and nodding towards the room. 

 

“Sorry’’ Peter says, moving to enter the dining room, where seemingly everyone is there waiting for them. The message might’ve finally gotten across that the kid wanted to tell them something. 

 

Most are relaxed. Nat and Clint are talking, Nat leaning on the table by his chair. Bruce is writing something down in a crossword book, Sam peaking over his shoulder. Wanda is laughing about something with Vision. They all look up when the four of them walk into the room, greeting them with nods or waves.

 

All except for Steve. Bucky isn’t even really sure he noticed them. He’s looking outside, lost in thoughts, his shoulder tense. He has a serious frown on his face, and Bucky has the sudden urge to flatten the line between his brows with his thumb. Did he used to do that? 

 

He swallows.

 

Tony and Pepper head towards two of the four chairs that were obviously left empty for them at the table, but Peter just stands there, so Bucky does as well. He honestly has no fucking idea how the kid wants to do this or whats the plan or what he’s even supposed to do, but he figures staying close is a safe bet. He puts the bag down near him anyway to flex his metal fingers, although he technically doesn’t need to. Sometimes he swears it's like he can feel them. 

 

Peter clears his throat, and everyone turns to look at him, and the kid is shaking like a goddamn leaf damn it, so Bucky shuffles a bit closer, not totally reaching his side but less than a full step back, hoping the kid feels his presence and can find it at least slightly reassuring. It seems to work, cause Peter turns his head a little and gives him a small smile, taking a deep breath in before he turns back towards the others again.

 

“Hello everyone’’ He says, in a voice that leads Bucky to believe he learned a script for this. 

 

“Uh..Hi?’’ Clint answers, eyes squinting in confusion and Nat frowns

 

“Everything alright Peter?’’ Bruce asks

 

“Yes, everything is okay, I just- There’s something that I need to tell you guys about’’

 

“Are you in trouble?’’ Nat asks, and Peter shakes his head.

 

“No! No, it's nothing like that. I-’’

 

“Oh God, are you gonna tell us that you’re gay? Are we getting two coming out in one week? No cause I swear I thought you and MJ- Ow Pepper?!’’ Tony says, getting interrupted by Pepper swatting him in the arm. 

 

“If you are, we want you to know that we’re very supportive of you’’ She says, smiling at Peter although Bucky can see that she’s still annoyed at Tony.

 

“What?? No! I’m not gay!’’ Peter exclaims and he’s all red now, and Bucky might have to intervene if he wants this to get anywhere. “Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, of course. I’m just not. I don’t think.’’ He rambles, head turning to Steve, who is watching the scene with half amusement and half worry in his face. It’s a weird mix, but still better than the tense emptiness that was there a few seconds earlier, so Bucky relaxes a bit.

 

“Are you guys planning on letting the kid say what he has to say or are we all just gonna keep interrupting him?’’ Sam asks, eyebrow raised and Tony lifts both of his hands in surrender.

 

Silence falls in the room, and there's a few beats of silence before Steve speaks

 

“You can go ahead Peter. We’re listening’’

 

“I know… I know. I’m-’’ Peter sounds terrified, and the room seems to get more tense, worry growing into each and everyone of their face. “I had prepared a speech and now I forgot it’’

 

“Ah come on kid, you don’t need no speech anyways. You can tell us anything.’’ Clint says with a little smile, and Peter nod, but stays silent another moment

 

“It was me’’ He says after a beat, and everyone waits for more, but it doesn’t come. 

 

“What was you?’’ Tony asks

 

“The..’’ Peter turns to look at Bucky, a guilty look on his face and Bucky lifts his arm to squeeze his shoulder again, nodding to encourage him to continue. “The picture. It was me. I took it’’

 

If Bucky thought the room was silent before, it's nothing compared to now. There's not a sound, as if the air was completely sucked out of it. It stays like this for what seems like an eternity, but is more likely a few seconds.

 

“What picture?’’ Steve asks, but his face is white, and Bucky is pretty sure he already knows, and is just making sure.

 

“The picture of you and Bucky. At Coney Island. It was me.’’ Peter says, and his voice is barely a whisper, but he’s standing strong, holding the shocked eyes on him, and Bucky is filled with something like pride. 

 

Steve’s eyes close, and he takes a stained breath in at the answer. 

 

“Why?’’ He asks.

 

“It wasn’t meant for anyone else to see. I just wanted to come check on you guys in the line and then…You looked so- Moments like this, they’re rare, and I couldn’t help it, I just wanted to keep it frozen forever for you guys, and then-’’

 

“How did it end in the news?’’ Tony interrupts him, lifting himself up from his chair. “Did someone steal your camera?’’

 

“Where? We can have FRIDAY look at the surveillance camera in the area, see if anybody’s suspicious’’ Nat joins him

 

“Do you have an approximate time?’’ Clint asks, simply leaning forward on his chair

 

“No, guys, listen-’’ Peter starts to say

 

“Nobody stole his camera.’’ Steve states, anger clear on his face. “He threw it out’’

 

Everybody turns to him, and then back to Peter

 

“What? Why?’’ Tony asks, scowling

 

“Perhaps somebody picked it up from the trash’’ Vision offers.

 

“No.’’ Steve continues. “You threw it out out of guilt, didn’t you?’’ He asks. 

 

“Oh come on Cap, don’t be ridiculous.’’ Tony says. “Peter didn’t expose you. Right kid?’’

 

Peter’s eyes stay focused on Steve’s angry expression, and he looks petrified.

 

“I’m sorry’’

 

“Wait, Peter, what?’’ Pepper asks, also getting up, confused.

 

“I’m sorry’’ He repeats. “It was a stupid accident, because I wasn’t paying attention when they were going through my pictures and I know I should've said it earlier, but I was so scared. I was terrified, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and I didnt want you guys to hate me’’ The kid starts rambling,’’And when Bucky found out I thought I was done for, but then he made me realize that you guys deserved to know and that I can’t just hide from you forever’’

 

“Wait, wait, let's rewind.’’ Clint says, frowning. “So did you or did you not post the picture’’ 

 

“I sold it’’ Peter says, voice almost a whisper. “By accident, but it was still me. I did it. I’ll give the money back, I brought it with me. I really am sorry Steve. You know, when I took the picture it was because I thought you guys looked really… happy. Just really really happy. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I underestimated how bad it could be if people saw it, if they misread it.... I’m sorry’’ He rambles. 

 

All eyes are turned on Steve now. He takes a deep breath in.

 

“What you did was reckless, and it caused me harm. I’m extremely disappointed. Do you understand?’’

 

Peter’s eyes finally drift to the ground, head falling in defeat.

 

“Yes’’

 

“I thought you were responsible, and smart. Honest. But you did this, and hid from us. I don’t know if I can still trust you.’’

 

“Steve… He’s just a kid’’ Bucky says, but Steve doesn’t look at him, eyes fixated on Peter. 

 

“Let me finish.’’ He orders, and Bucky scowls, moving closer to Peter, but doesn’t insist.

 

“I’m sorry’’ Peter says, still looking at the ground, and the pain in his voice is enough for Bucky to want to punch Steve in the face. 

 

“Stop apologizing.’’ Steve says. “Like I said, I don’t know if I can still trust you. You’ll have to earn that back. Do you understand?’’ He asks again

 

“I understand’’ Peter whispers

 

“Steve.’’ Bucky warns again, a bit firmer this time

 

“I want this to be a lesson to him’’ Steve snaps back, finally looking at him with so much animosity that if it weren’t for the kid, Bucky would take a step back

 

“What lesson? That he’s not allowed to make mistakes?’’ 

 

“That his actions have consequences’’

 

“He knows about the consequences, Steve. Look at him!’’ Bucky says. “He’s a goddamn kid. He meant well. He’s apologizing, and owning up to what he did. Cut him some fucking slack’’

 

Steve stares at him, eyes burning into Bucky’s skull for a moment. They have a staring contest, a silent conversation with their eyes, and Bucky wants to fucking scream at Steve to stop looking at him like that, like just the sight of him breaks his fucking heart. Tension rises in the room as they stare each other down, and Bucky doesn't know what it is that Steve is reading in his eyes, but the anger and pain he reads in Steve's have nothing to do with Peter, and he knows it. 

 

“Do you really think this is the right time to fight?’’ Natasha hisses when it's become clear neither was gonna back down

 

“Well if you’d just let me finish’’ Steve says, rubbing his face with his palms in frustration before getting up, walking around the table and placing himself directly in front of Peter. 

 

Bucky presses his shoulder against the kid’s closing the distance protectively. Steve very pointedly ignores him.

 

“Peter, look at me.’’ Steve says, and it takes a second before he does, and Bucky can see now that he’s crying. Steve’s face softens almost immediately, and he places both his hands on the kid's shoulders, fingers brushing against Bucky’s own shoulder. “I love you. Just because I’m disappointed in you doesn’t mean I love you any less. But it also doesn't mean I can just forget about this. I know you didn’t mean to do wrong, but you did. There's nothing we can do about it now except move on, but I still need you to promise next time you’ll come to us.’’

 

“I promise’’ Peter nods, and Tony sighs from the table, and when Bucky looks at him, he’s massaging his temples. 

 

“Why didn’t you come to us in the first place?’’ he asks, and Peter looks at him

 

“I didn’t want you guys to hate me’’

 

“Nobody hates you.’’ Wanda says. “Believe me’’

 

He gives her a small smile, and the tension in his shoulder slighten. 

 

“We’re a team, yes? If one of us messes up, we deal with it together’’ Steve says, wiping Peter’s tears from his face gently. “No more of this.’’

 

“Okay’’

 

“Well, that was dramatic. And now I’m hungry’’ Clint says 

 

“Seriously?’’ Wanda asks, rolling her eyes with a fond smirk

 

“What? It’s like Cap said. It’s done, now we have to move on. And I suggest we move on with dinner.’’

 

Steve takes a step back, arms falling back to his side.

 

“Well I, for one, have something to do tonight. You guys enjoy dinner, though.’’

 

“Oh, okay.’’ Peter says, unsure. “Will you be there tomorrow?’’

 

“Of course. Wouldn’t miss movie night’’ Steve says with a smile and Bucky realizes he forgot that Friday night was movie night, and seriously how can everyone want to hang out on the same day?

 

Well, it's probably better this way. He wouldn’t want to ruin Steve’s night anyways.

 

Steve leaves, and Bucky decides to stay, not trying to disappoint the kid some more. Dinner is somewhat awkward at first, but Clint and Tony quickly take care of defusing the tension and soon enough everyone forgot about it. 

 

Except Bucky.

 

And probably Steve. 

 

It's almost all Bucky can think about, all night, and when Sam offers to give Peter a ride home it's already dark outside, and he barely saw the time pass, or heard any conversation that happened. 

 

He remembers about the abandoned camera on the floor just in time, and he hands it to Peter, who gets weirdly emotional and hugs him again, thanking him and promising that he’ll never take a picture of anyone without their consent first ever again. Bucky believes him.

 

They all say their goodbyes, and Bucky heads towards his own apartment at first before changing his mind and heading to Steve’s. Just to check, make sure everything’s fine. 

 

He pulls up to the door and hesitates. He doesn’t usually knock. Should he knock? What if Steve’s asleep. He doesn’t wanna wake him up, just come in, check on him and go back to his own place to sleep. He turns the handle.

 

Locked.

 

He lets go of it as if it burned him.

 

Steve locked the door. 

 

Steve never locks the door. Because he knows Bucky feels safer at his place than in his own. Steve never locks the door.

 

‘’FRIDAY? Did you lock me out?’’ Bucky asks, the only other plausible option. She did it for him, when he wasn’t feeling like talking to people. Maybe that's just a repeat

 

“I’m afraid not, Bucky. Would you like me to advise Captain Rogers of your presence?’’

 

Bucky’s breath hitch.

 

“No. No, that's alright, thank you’’ He answers, and then he asks. “Is he okay?’’

 

The AI takes a while to answer, enough for Bucky to start worrying.

 

“It seems Captain Rogers’ physical state is optimal.’’

 

“Physical state?’’

 

“Yes’’

 

“What about mental state?’’

 

Another pause

 

“I apologize, it seems I am not allowed to divulge that information to you currently.’’

 

Bucky groans. That itself is an answer. He eyes the door, wondering if Steve might open it if he knocks long enough, then just lets out a heavy sigh

 

“Could you… ensure he’s safe? And let me know if he needs me.’’

 

“Certainly, Bucky.’’ The robotic voice agrees, and he heads back downstairs, defeated. 

 

Steve is not okay. Steve is not okay because of him . Again.

 

How can he keeps fucking this up?

 

This has got to be a world record of fuck ups.

 

When he reaches his own door, he’s surprised to find Tony Stark in front of it. He’s holding a long garment bag, one that Bucky assumes is probably holding a suit. He eyes it wearily.

 

“Tony’’

 

“Ah, there you are!’’ Stark says, grinning up at him. “I’ve been knocking at your door for the past five minutes. Thought you were doing your whole not-answering-the-door thing again’’

 

“You didn’t check at Steve’s’’

 

“Well, have you seen you guys tonight? You looked just about ready to rip each other apart. I didn't think he’d have let you in’’

 

He didn't. Bucky wants to say, but he just gestures at Tony to move before opening the door, crouching down to pet Alpine, coming at the door to greet them with a little meow.

 

“You have a cat now? Why is everybody getting cats without my knowledge? Where do you even find them anyways?’’ He asks, and then lifts his finger when Alpine starts making his way to him. “Don’t even think about it, you. Do you know how much this suit is worth?’’ He asks and Alpine tilts her head to the side then turns right back around to get more pets from Bucky. 

 

“What are you doing here?’’ Bucky asks, grabbing the cat and lifting himself back up, heading towards his room to start making his makeshift bed on the floor.

 

Tony scurries after him, still holding the bad, and Bucky has to pretend not to be interested in what's in it. 

 

“I wanted to thank you’’ he says and Bucky stops dead in his tracks.

 

“What??’’

 

“For the kid. He said you figured it out and convinced him to talk to us.’’

 

“Ah’’ Bucky says, scratching his neck. “Um, no worries. He’s a sweet kid’’

 

“Yes, he is.’’ Tony says, and then they both just stare at the other for a second, and Bucky doesn’t know what to do, so he lets his eyes fall on the garment bag again.

 

“What's that?’’ He asks, desperate to change the subject.

 

“Well,’’ Tony says. “This, is your thank you. And apologies for being a dick’’

 

“What is it??’’ Bucky asks again, slightly scared now

 

“I talked with Pepper, and she said I was being an ass to you earlier, in the elevator. You know its just- I get really protective over Peter. Sometimes too much. And she said it wasn’t fair. So.’’

 

“So you brought me a gift? Because your girlfriend asked you to?’’

 

“No! Well, not just because of Pepper. Listen Barnes, I’m not good at the whole apology thing. Want this or not?’’ 

 

Bucky snorts

 

“Well it depends. You gonna tell me what it is?’’

 

Tony grins, laying the bag on the bed.

 

“Why don’t you look for yourself?’’

 

Bucky takes a weary step toward it, leaning to unzip the bag, flipping it open, unsure of what to expect. At first, he thinks its just an army uniform, and he’s about to ask Tony what it's about when he notices the sergeant insignia on the arm, when he realizes that army uniforms don’t look like that anymore. 

 

That’s not any uniform.

 

That’s his. 

 

“I found this a while ago in my father’s things. I assume he kept it for measurements, when he was making your suits and then… I don’t know. I don’t know why he kept it. But it belongs to you.’’

 

Bucky stares at it, emotions welling up in his throat. 

 

“I don’t know what to say.’’ He states, because it's the truth. He reaches out to feel the fabric under his fingers. 

 

“You don’t have to say anything’’ Tony says, obviously uncomfortable. “What you could do is,  wear it on Saturday. It’s perfect. It’s literally from the 40’s.’’

 

“It’s not a Halloween costume’’ Bucky says, scowling and looking back at him

 

“I know that, Barnes. But what other occasions are you gonna have to wear this?’’ 

 

Bucky ponders it for a second. He doesn’t want to make a joke out of his uniform, but Tony’s right. Bucky doesn’t have a lot of good memories, not about the war, but he remembers being proud of this, even if he didn’t choose it. 

 

“Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow’’

 

He chokes a little bit.

 

“It's not gonna fit’’ He says, mind drifting to the kid that he used to be.

 

“You should try it on. We never know. I know you probably don’t want to alter it-’’

 

“Absolutely not’’ Bucky says

 

“-But’’ Stark continues. “It’s always an option.’’

 

“Not gonna happen. But I’ll try it on tomorrow. See how it fits.’’

 

“Okay. Keep me updated if you need anything.’’

 

“Will do. Thank you’’

 

“Don’t thank me, thank my fath- Or I guess not. Don’t do that.’’

 

Bucky stares at him, unimpressed, and Stark clasps his hands together

 

“Anyways, I got to go, nice to talk to you Barney.’’

 

“Don’t call me that’’ Bucky calls after him but Tony is already on his merry way, leaving him alone in his room, staring at the suit that he owned in a past life, wondering what this other self would say if he was here.

 

Probably something like ‘why would you leave him alone you stupid jerk’ 

 

But then again if Bucky was who he used to be, he wouldn’t. If he could transform into who he was before the war and go upstairs to comfort Steve, he would. He knows that’s the Bucky that Steve needs right now. Or ever. 

 

But he can't

 

So he zips the bag up again, and leaves it on the bed.

 

That night, when the nightmares come, theres nowhere for Bucky to run to. No safe place. 

 

Only his cold, empty bedroom

Notes:

Loki is so messy lmao I love him

Chapter 24

Notes:

HAPPY HALLOWEENNNNN!!!!!!!!!
I'm a bit sad because I was supposed to post the Halloween party on the 31rst, but hey, you get it next!!
Sorry this one took so long, I wrote and erased a lot of things, because I was overthinking the Ben storyline. I know you guys are excited for Stucky to start becoming more SO I was thinking of getting rid of the whole plot point, but its so important yall, and I think you're going to love it, or at least *I do*, and I really didnt want to erase this whole part of my fic (its **NOT** just a dating subplot, I swear). So, sorry to anyone who thinks its getting too long, Stucky is just very complicated and blurred lines and miscomunications in my head, and I really think its important to show that alos for Bucky to realize who he is without Steve (although I think we can all agree they need to stop being stupid)

Anywayssssss, thanks to weird_Kayle for beta reading this chapter as always, this one is a very busy one and we switch places a few times whitin it, so I hope you guys enjoy and have a happy Halloweeennnnnnnnn

Also, me last chapter : "Bucky has no safe place to run to"
Bucky: "Try me."

Bucky does not fall back asleep that night. He stares through the window, and thinks and thinks and overthinks until his chest hurts and his brain hurts and the cold glass is about to make him panic and he’s forced to step away.

 

He asks about Steve every half hour on the dot until FRIDAY gets annoyed (he swears her tone changed) and then when he truly can't do it anymore, he gets out of his apartment and roams over the building. He hasn’t done that since he’s been sleeping at Steve’s and it feels like a major stepback, but it's obvious he won’t sleep, and he hates feeling caged. He doesn’t ask FRIDAY if the door is still locked. Matter of fact, he stays clear of Steve’s entire floor. He heads to the workshop instead, figuring if there's another person in this building that is still up, it's most likely Tony.

 

He does not expect to find Bruce. 

 

Bucky hovers over the entrance, uncertain of whether he wants to enter or not. He likes Bruce, he has a very calming energy (don't tell anyone he said that), but he’s also very obviously busy. He’s leaning over a table, speaking out loud in a hushed tone to what Bucky assumes is FRIDAY, a few tiny vials lined up in front of him like in a movie. He’s frowning, looking over floating blueprints and back at the vials like he’s trying to fix a math problem and he lets out an obviously frustrated sigh.

 

Math was never Bucky’s forte. At all. He’s more of an English guy. But nobody wants the Hulk getting frustrated, right? Maybe a break would do Bruce some good, too. 

 

He walks in.

 

“Ah, wait, no FRIDAY, scratch that. Can you run over simulation 127 with me again? And let's focus on the white cells reactions to- Oh,hi Bucky” Bruce says, head snapping up when Bucky reaches the table and clears his throat, clearing catching Banner off guard. 

 

“Hey” Bucky answers, standing there a bit awkwardly, wondering what exactly had possessed him to come in, but he wasn’t about to back down now.

 

“Give me a sec. FRIDAY, pause. ” Bruce says, lifting his arms and pushing away the blueprints before looking back at him, still obviously confused but with that soft kindness in his eyes that reminds Bucky immediately of why he actually came in, and that it has nothing to do with Bruce Hulking out, and everything to do with the fact he needed to be reminded that he was human, after all. “Can I help you with anything?” 

 

“Not really. Just can’t sleep. What are you working on?” Bucky asks, directing Bruce’s attention back to his work, hoping to distract him.

 

Bruce’s face grows into a smile as he looks down at the vials and back at Bucky

 

“You know, it’s actually kind of funny, I’m working on something for you and Steve. An anesthetic.” He quickly adds when Bucky’s eyes snap towards the liquids with an horrified look. “I’m trying to make medicine efficient with your type of metabolism. Have been trying for a while, actually, but it’s- well it doesn’t matter. I could probably get onto sleep medicine next.”

 

“No, go ahead. What’s the issue with it?” Bucky asks, scowling at the vials as if he could just intimidate them into cooperating.

 

“Well…” Bruce hesitates for a second before letting out a big sigh. “Let's use Steve as an example. His metabolism is four times faster than any other regular human being’s, but I’m sure you’re aware of that already”

 

“So, can’t we just make the medicine stronger or give more of it?” Bucky asks, lifting his gaze again and Bruce is looking at him like he already knew that he was gonna say that.

 

“That’s the easiest way, yes, and that's what we do when Steve is in need of radical medical help, but ” Bruce says, grabbing a tablet on the table and starting to scroll through different pictures of what Bucky sees are X-Rays, most likely Steve’s. “The problem with that is it causes pretty bad damage to his organs each time. They always heal themselves, but it makes the healing process longer, and I’m afraid long term it might start causing damage significant enough for even Steve’s healing factor to be unable to fix.” Bruce continues explaining, stopping on an X-Ray of Steve’s brain, and there's a sudden weight on Bucky’s chest.

 

“Oh” He simply says, voice slightly strained but Bruce doesn’t seem to notice it, eyes focused on the picture in front of them with the earlier frustrated frown back on his face. 

 

Bruce hums back at him, still staring at the screen.

 

“If I could just come up with something that would at least just decrease pain, like a super soldier aspirin, I could start there but there’s nothing”

 

“What about Thor? Don’t they have super medicine up there?” Bucky says gesturing towards the ceiling and Bruce smiles sadly at him.

 

“Tried that. Asgardians do have some powerful enough medicine to knock Steve out, but they have the same effects on his organs. They’re not made to withstand it like Thor’s or Loki’s.”

 

“So, we’re fucked?” Bucky asks, and this really isn't the calming conversation he’d hoped to get. 

 

Bruce lets out a little chuckle at that, smiling warmly at him.

 

“Hopefully not. We still have a pretty big time window for me to find something. And if I don’t, well I guess that’ll just mean you guys will have to steer out of the kind of trouble that needs surgery to fix”

 

“So the only thing we have to do is keep Steve out of trouble?”

 

“Basically.”

 

Bucky sighs dramatically.

 

“We are fucked.”

 

Bruce breathes out another little laugh, agreeing with a sideway nod. 

 

“Unless I figure something out.” 

 

“I should probably let you do that, then.” Bucky says, although he doesn’t really want to be alone with his thoughts again.

 

“Wanna crash on the couch?” Bruce asks, pointing to a tiny, white, modern, and very uncomfortable looking sofa, pushed against the closest wall. “Tony does that sometimes too on the nights where we both can’t sleep. He says my mumbling shuts down the voices, whatever that means.” 

 

“Now that’s just downright terrifying.”

 

“It’s Tony” Bruce shrugs with a fond smile, and Bucky’s eyes slide to the couch. “It's more comfortable than it looks” The physicist tries again, and Bucky decides that he doesn’t have anything to lose, really.

 

He heads towards the couch, just sitting and watching carefully from a distance at first. Bruce gets almost immediately back into it, and it takes maybe 5 minutes before Bucky is certain that he could probably start doing backflips in the corner without Banner noticing him at all, too taken by his work. He does mumble to himself and FRIDAY, and Tony might’ve been into something there, because Bruce’s voice is calming, and he says a lot of complicated words that Bucky doesn't understand, and soon his head falls back against the wall and he lets his eyes close.

 

 

---

 

 

“That’s my spot. Why is he in my spot?”

 

“Tony! Shhh!”

 

“You shushed me louder than I said that.”

 

“Let the man sleep, will you?”

 

Bucky’s brain takes a few seconds to catch up with the conversation, to remember where he is and who those voices belonged to. He doesn’t move quite yet, letting his foggy brain convince him to keep his eyes closed just a second more. It’s a strange feeling, to know that there’s people in a room and feel safe enough to keep his guard down, even with Steve not around. There’s a lump in his throat, suddenly, and he clears it, lifting his stiff neck from the back of the couch.

 

“Sleeping beauty! Hello!” Tony grins at him from the table and Bucky only glares back.

 

“Sorry,” Bruce apologizes. “I tried telling him but…” He trails off with a shrug.

 

“You’re fine. Not your fault Stark is an ass.”

 

“Says the guy who stole my spot.”

 

“I don’t see your name on it.”

 

“I bought this place!”

 

Bruce sighs loudly, massaging his temples and Bucky’s next argument dies inside of his mouth at the sound.

 

“You guys are children.”

 

“And you can turn into a big green angry guy. To each their quirks, I guess” Tony says and Bruce rolls his eyes with a fond smile similar to the one Bucky saw on his face yesterday.

 

“We should keep everyone’s ‘quirks’ out of the workshop, in my opinion.”

 

“I have things to do anyways.” Bucky says, stretching and lifting himself up the couch . “What time is it?”

 

Tony looks down at his wrist.

 

“Eleven forty five.”

 

Bucky blinks at him.

 

“AM?”

 

“I’m not even going to answer that.” 

 

Bucky curses and practically runs out of the room and into the elevator, smashing his floor button repeatedly until the door closes. 

 

“FRIDAY, do I have-”

 

“You have received 5 text messages this morning.”

 

“Fuck” Bucky mumbles to himself, walking out of the elevator as soon as it dings open and throwing his own apartment door open, effectively startling Alpine. (he totally didn’t forget about her or anything.)

 

He heads to his room and quickly grabs the phone on his bedside table.

 

9:43

 

[Hey, Jamie!]

[Still good for later? Shift ends at 12, should be at the coffee shop at 12:30 if the bus isn’t late]

 

11:12

 

[...part 2?]

[Anyways, heres the address. Don’t be late. Last chance]

[Ben sent a location]

 

11:47

 

[I’ll be there]

[Sorry]

 

[Ben reacted to a message]

So, that was off to a terrible start. He definitely doesn’t have a lot of time to get ready, but he does check the map app to see how long it should take him to get to the coffee shop. Lucky for him, it doesn’t seem super far away, the app says 20, which means Bucky could probably do it in 10 if he borrowed Steve’s motorcycle. 

 

Except Steve isn’t talking to him right now. 

 

He curses again, and throws his shirt off, rummaging through his closet until he finds a long sleeve dark green Henley. When he turns around and see his reflection in the glass, he finds himself completely unprepared for the memory that hits him.

“I like this color on you.”

 

“What? Green?” Bucky asks, turning to Steve with a frown on his face. He’s wearing a new coat, one his parents had just gotten him for his 14th birthday. The air is still cold outside, and the coat is warm, and comfortable, so he thought the opportunity was perfect to try it out.

 

He knows it looks good. He’d already seen two girls turn around during their walk towards Steve’s house. Or perhaps that was a result of him growing up. He was starting to get a lot more attention now. It makes him feel weirdly proud, and also downright terrified. 

 

Except when the attention comes from Steve. That just makes him feel warm.

 

He does not understand it. He doesn’t try to. He only glances at his friend, waiting for an answer.

 

“Yeah. Brings out your eyes” Steve says, almost a mumble, and his cheeks are all pink. 

 

There's probably something witty he could answer, something funny, like Steve is probably expecting, but his brain is short-circuiting, eyes trailing down Steve’s face and down his neck, where the blush is creeping up from.  

 

No. Not blush. Steve is probably cold. 

 

Bucky shrugs his coat off, and wraps it around his friend’s shoulder, who startles away for a second, taken aback.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I don’t want you to be cold.” Bucky insists, frowning, placing himself in front of Steve and rearranging the coat on his shoulder, replacing the collar and Steve simply looks up at him, looking dumbfounded.

 

Bucky was getting taller than him now. It was easier to see their age difference, although it was a very small one. 

 

“I- Buck” Steve speaks again, voice cracking and he frowns in frustration. “I don’t need your coat!”

 

“I know, Stevie. I want you to have it for the way home. Stop complaining” Bucky says, before wrapping his arm around his friend's shoulder and tugging him forward to start walking again, his own exposed arms already prickling from the cold March air. 

 

Steve looks at him slightly defiantly for a second but eventually follows, rolling his eyes.

 

“You’re gonna catch your death” 

 

“You sound like your mom.” Bucky teases but they turn the corner and there's a few ladies walking in the street, so he lets his arm fall from Steve’s shoulder. 

 

He pretends he doesn’t notice the way his friend tenses at that.

 

“You should take your coat back.”

 

“Why, cause it ‘brings out my eyes’?” Bucky asks

 

“It’s too big for me anyways. And I look terrible in green.” Steve says, ignoring his teasing

 

“You don’t look terrible in anything.” Bucky says back quickly. Too quickly.

 

Steve stops walking and takes the coat off.

 

“Take it.” 

 

His best friend’s face is serious, and almost angry. Bucky blinks at him for a second but he extends his hand and grabs the coat.

 

“...okay.”

 

They walk silently all the way to Steve’s apartment after that. 

 

Bucky blinks himself back into reality.

 

That was terrible timing. Always terrible timing. 

 

“FRIDAY, what time is it?”

 

“12:05, Bucky”

 

Bucky sighs, rubbing his face with his hands, and then he grabs his phone.

 

[I might be slightly late.]

[Bad planning]

 

[Ok.]

[Bus is showing up as late on the app anyways]

[New York’s public transportation :/]

 

[Alright. I’ll try to be there as soon as possible]

 

[Before 1?]

 

[Definitely]

 

[Good :)]

[See you!]

 

[See you]

Bucky grabs a random pair of jeans and hopes they don’t also start giving him flashbacks. He’s really gonna have to start looking at the trigger pattern, because this cannot keep happening. 

 

He pulls the jeans on and heads towards the bathroom to brush his teeth and shave his face as quickly as he possibly can without it looking botched (especially with the child proof razors he’s trusted around). He doesn’t have time for hair gel, but he does take the time to smell every single one of the colognes Tony has put in his room (How many choices does someone need? That's gonna give him a damn headache). and he settles for something that smells slightly smoky with a hint of spice. Once he feels satisfied with the result, he takes a step back to look at himself in the mirror. 

 

Something’s missing.

 

He rubs his shirt’s fabric between his fingers.

 

“Brings out your eyes”

 

He looks back up at the mirror. His eyes look normal. Dead. 

 

He tries to smile. 

 

It's a pathetic try, but it's better. It makes him look almost alive, almost human, instead of the ghost he has become. The shell of a person. He takes a stressed, shuddering breath.

 

“FRIDAY, can you check on-”

 

“Captain Rogers’s state is stable.”

 

“Physically and mentally?”

 

“It appears so.”

 

“And the door is…”

 

“Unlocked.”

 

Bucky let out a relieved sigh that he didn’t even know he was holding, eyes falling close for a moment, before he looks down at his phone, at the clock ticking.

 

He’ll have to wait until later to talk to him. 

 

He shakes his head, annoyed.

 

“I would like to advise you that a taxi is waiting for you downstairs”

 

“What? I didn’t call a cab.”

 

“I am aware. I took that liberty when I noticed you were almost ready to leave. Apologies if that was not necessary”

 

“No it's…fine. Thank you FRIDAY. Huh, can you…”

 

“I will ensure Captain Roger’s state remains stable and will alert you otherwise.”

 

“Thanks” Bucky says, nodding to the ceiling before going to the elevator and downstairs. 

 

---

 

Bucky isn’t a coward. He’s been through war, and hell, and then came back. A date is nothing. He used to have them all of the time.

 

Never with a guy. 

 

His heart is pounding inside of his chest. He got to the coffee shop on time, early, actually. At 12:27. By miracle, or maybe because of a slightly dangerous taxi driver, but he got there anyhow, and leaned on a wall on the other side of the street until he saw Ben walk in, until he heard his phone buzz in his pocket. 

 

He knows he has to walk in. He said he would be there, and now he has to be there. That's how it works. But his feet are planted firmly on the ground, looking at the other side of the street like a creep.

 

He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath in and stretching his gloved fingers. He knows somewhere in Wakanda, Shuri knows his heart is beating.

 

That grounds him somehow, and when he opens his eyes, he has a smirk on his face. She would make so much fun of him right now if she saw him. 

 

White wolf. Scared to walk into a coffee shop.

 

He crosses the street.

 

Ben was right about the place. Bucky doesn’t feel too overwhelmed as he walks in, not the way he expected to be. The music is soft, muted in the background, barely a buzz over the sound of the smooth flow of conversations in the place. It seems very cozy, and the barista offers him a warm smile when she spots him by the door, probably expecting him to walk up to her.

 

He realizes he has no idea what he’s doing. Is he supposed to order now? Or sit down first? Do these places have servers? His eyes dart around the room and settle on a table. 

 

A table with a small brunet, looking straight at him with a somewhat amused expression on his face, arms crossed as if he’d been waiting for Bucky to look for him in the shop ever since he walked in.

 

That’s weird, with all the anticipation, all the drama, Bucky had almost forgotten that it was Ben, a real person, and not just a guy who lived inside of his phone.

 

He’d almost forgotten how pretty he was, in a guy next door sort of way, almost familiar in his simplicity. The type of guy you look at and can imagine with a child on his shoulders, in the backyard of a suburban home, and not fighting aliens and talking to you in riddles. It takes him aback for a second. 

 

Ben is a real person. That’s he’s going on a date with…for what, exactly?

 

“Have fun for once. Wouldn’t kill you”

 

But that's not fair, is it? To Ben? To give him hope when he knows that he’s in love with someone else. He had promised to his sister never to lie. 

 

But Ben is staring at him across the coffee shop, obviously expecting him to move forward. To follow up on his words. 

 

Is it now that Bucky has to decide what kind of man he wants to be?

 

Is it really bad that he wants to go sit down? That he wants to buy this cute guy a coffee and talk with him and just enjoy a simple conversation for once? That he wants a boring backyard and walks in the park and just a regular, normal life with someone who has yet to make him feel inadequate, even when he is?

 

His mind reels back to Steve again, sitting at home, miserable. Because of Bucky. 

 

Or at least he thinks so. Because Steve wont talk to him.  

 

He realizes now just how bad he’s missing it, just being able to be simple with Steve. Just having conversations, just coming home to him there, just sharing a chocolate bar, just knowing exactly the sound of his heartbeat, just, just, just. 

 

Is that it? Is he and Steve nostalgia and nothing else? Is he holding on onto his love for Steve so hard just because it was the first he ever felt? And where does that leave them, here, now, when everything is complicated and nothing makes sense anymore, when Bucky can barely remember the last time the world stopped turning so he could take a breath?

  

He steps towards the table, shaking the thoughts away from his head and ignoring the doubt in his heart. He smiles a little and there is visible relief on Ben’s face, as if he was feeling Bucky’s hesitation from the other side of the room. When Bucky gets close, he lifts himself up and they both stand awkwardly there for a few seconds

 

“Hey” Ben says with a smile

 

“Hi” Bucky answers, unsure.

 

“It’s nice to see you again. Although I’m not sure that the first time really counts since we didn’t really talk much but- it's still not technically the first time we see each other. You know what I mean.”

 

“I do” Bucky says with a little chuckle at Ben’s unsurprising nervous rambling. “And it is nice to see you. Again .”

 

“And you showed up this time. We’re making progress”

 

Bucky winces slightly

 

“Sorry about that”

 

“It’s fine. Water under the bridge. I’m pretty curious, not going to lie, but I won’t push yet. Hopefully you just learn to open up. Eventually. Not that I’m saying that we’re gonna get close or anything- My dad says never to sell the bear’s fur before hunting it.”

 

“Uh…okay? Noted”

 

“No, I just meant- anyways. Wanna get coffee?”

 

“Good idea” Bucky smiles, cocking his head to the side at Ben’s obvious embarrassment, blush already creeping up his face.

 

Bucky doesn’t feel like pretending it's because Ben is cold. 

 

They walk to the counter and Ben orders a coffee, or at least Bucky thinks he’s ordering a coffee, because he’s using a ton of words like ‘sweet vanilla foam’ and ‘drizzle’ and ‘almond milk’ (what the fuck is almond milk??) and Bucky kinda blurs it out because he’s just gonna get confused. 

 

“What do you want?” Ben asks, turning towards him and snapping him back into reality

 

“Uhh,” Bucky says, taking a little step to close the distance between him and the counter and lifting his head up, pretending to look at the menu before speaking again. “Coffee?” He says and the barista looks at him like she’s expecting more, waiting a second before frowning at him

 

“What kind?”

 

What kind? What does that mean? Are there different kinds of coffee now? 

 

“...the regular one?”

 

The girl stares at him for a second like he’s speaking another language and then back at Ben.

 

“He’ll just take the same as me” Ben says and Bucky nods, because this is probably the most awkward interaction he’s had since the first time Tony came to talk to him in Wakanda, 

 

The girl smiles again and Bucky pulls out his wallet to pay an atrociously high amount of money, and then they move to the side while their drinks are being made.

 

“So, you weren’t lying about the coffee shop thing” Ben teases and Bucky shakes his head

 

“I have a coffee machine at home” Bucky says, because ‘I’m an ex-brainwashed assassin whos been in and out of cryo for the past 70 years’ seems like a terrible ice breaker

“At home. In Avengers Tower” Ben says and Bucky looks at him

 

“Yeah”

 

“I still don’t get it”

 

“It’s…complicated.”

 

“I feel like there's a lot of complicated stuff going on in your life”

 

“You’re not wrong” Bucky says, and then the girl hands them their drik in one of those glass thing his mother used to store things in and he almost asks if they ran out of mug before Ben pulls him away back to their table, by his hand , like it's just normal and not their first date and Bucky’s brain is buzzing with a mix of shame at the fact he’s holding a man’s hand in public and of excitement because he’s holding a man’s hand.  

 

And it’s not Steve’s.

 

He hadn’t realized the only guy who ever held his hand was Steve. They’ve always been touchy, probably too touchy for the norm, but it was them, it was as natural as breathing. Like two puzzle pieces. 

 

Could he ever get that with someone else? Is he so stuck on Steve because he was his first love, or is there more to it? 

 

Bucky can’t tell, and he refuses to linger on it, not now anyways. 

 

Ben lets go of his hands when they reach the table and he sits down, so Bucky mirrors him.

 

“Thank you for the coffee” Ben says, gesturing to their drinks and Bucky looks down at whatever this is and thinks that this definitely doesn’t look like a coffee, but he doesn’t say anything, only lifts his gaze up to meet Ben’s eyes again

 

“Owed you one”

 

“You did , but that doesn’t mean I can’t thank you” Ben point out, raising a brow and taking a sip of his coffee through a paper straw and Bucky isn’t even gonna start on what sort of abomination that is, he only shrugs

 

“You’re welcome”

 

“You gonna taste it?” Ben asks, and Bucky eyes the drink suspiciously. “Come on, I swear it's good. It's not gonna bite you”

 

Bucky puts a straw into his own drink and takes a slow, careful sip. 

 

This thing is so sweet he’s pretty certain he’ll die from the sugar crash, but …

 

What the fuck. It’s delicious. He’s already thinking about all the money he’s gonna have to secretly spend here. Clint can never find out.

 

Bucky must be making a face right now, because Ben starts laughing, a big grin on his face.

 

“Told you so”

 

“You did” Bucky admits, inching the drink closer to him to keep the straw at a reaching distance.

 

“So, you just, never tried to come into a coffee shop? How come?”

 

“You’re the first person to offer it to me” Bucky shrugs and Ben cocks his head with a little frown

 

“And you don’t ever just…do stuff? For yourself?”

 

Bucky ponders for a second. 

 

“I read” He says

 

“What else do you like to do?” Ben asks, and Bucky thinks its sounds more concerned than curious, but he answers anyways, because he does do stuff, like…uh…

 

“I go on walks with Steve. Uh, sometimes Clint comes to hang out with me but we don’t really go out, it's mostly just us finding ways to stay busy at the Tower. I play cards with Lo-...a friend. Well, we played once but it was fun. Then there are movie nights, which I guess are also pretty fun.”

 

“Oh, nice. What’s your favorite movie?”

 

Bucky blinks at him. 

 

“I don’t really have one.”

 

“...Favorite show?”

 

“Wanda forced me to sit down and watch a few episodes of a show the other day. I think it's called New Girl? That's the only one I ever watched. It was…okay, I guess.”

 

Ben  leans forward, a bit of challenge in his eyes, like he’s trying something, and Bucky definitely doesn’t like it.

 

“Favorite color?”

 

“Uh..”

 

Bucky thinks, the rapid fire questions making him slightly uncomfortable. He’s pretty certain that isn’t how his dates used to go. That just seems slightly unnatural, but maybe he’s just out of his game. He clears his throat. 

 

“I like this color on you”

 

“Green”

 

Eyes. Blue eyes, looking at him with a twinkle, mid-laugh.

 

“No, blue. I don’t know.” He says, changing his mind. “Not red.”

 

“Not red? That doesn’t really narrow it down”

 

“Sorry”

 

“What do you do for work?”

 

“I-” Bucky swallows, looking away “... I was in the army. Before.” 

 

“Before what?”

 

Bucky waves around, as if that answered anything, and Ben lets out a sigh.

 

“Okay, I’m not experienced in the whole date thing at all, but it’s the first time I’m trying to get to know someone who doesn’t know himself.”

 

“What??” Bucky asks, leaning back into his chair with a scowl

 

“Sorry, no, that came out wrong. I’m nervous. It’s just.. the whole time I thought you weren’t answering my questions because you were just mysterious but now it's almost like… You just don’t know the answers. Everything you do, everything you like is about other people. Like you don’t exist when no one is around”

 

Bucky scowls a bit longer at him, unable to find any good excuse for the way he is, and knowing that he can’t just tell the truth. This whole thing was a terrible idea. 

 

“I should leave”

 

“Don’t go, I just- Who are you?” Ben asks, leaning forward

 

“What kind of fucked up question is that? Who are you ?” Bucky asks, defensive, and Ben seems hurt for a second, making him regret immediately. He pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a sigh. “Sorry, it’s just…” he trails off

 

“Complicated?” Ben completes for him,a bit sheepishly, and Bucky lets out a wry laugh

 

“Yeah. Complicated”

 

“Well you have to give me something to work with here, Jamie”

 

Bucky looks at him for a second and Ben holds the eye contact, head high, unashamed of everything that just happened, just straight up asking for what he wants. Bucky leans on his forearms on the table, taking another long sip.

 

“I like old music, like 40s music. I have a sweet tooth. I really like chocolate. Spring is my favorite season. My favorite genre of books is fantasy. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer, but almost nobody knows that. I…got hurt in the army. I lost my arm.”

 

Ben’s eyes slide to his left arm, and Bucky frowns, because he didn't mention which arm, but it does sometimes look slightly bigger than his regular arm under certain clothes, so he doesn’t think much of it. He pulls off his glove, just slightly, metal gleaming under the light before he pulls it back up.

 

“I’m sorry.” Ben says, hands fidgeting on the table, obviously hesitating to reach out, and staying in place. “And thank you, for telling me”

 

Bucky nods

 

“You’ve been patient with me, so…”

 

“Did Tony Stark make that arm? It seems pretty cool”

 

Bucky snorts at that, shaking his head.

 

“Oh yeah, no. Definitely not. It was made by a friend of mine. She’s much smarter than Tony. Don’t tell him I said that”

 

“Is Stark not ‘a friend of yours’?” Ben asks, smile slightly teasing. “Don’t you live at his place?”

 

“Tony and I are…complicated” Bucky says, grinning, and Ben rolls his eyes

 

“I should’ve guessed”

 

“Probably. Don’t quit your day job to become a psychic”

 

“There goes my afternoon plans” Ben sighs, mock disappointment on his face and Bucky chuckles

 

“Okay, but seriously, what about you?” He asks. 

 

“Which of the questions do you want me to answer?” Ben laughs

 

“Anything. Just…tell me anything. I want to know more about you”

 

Ben’s face gets a little red again and he takes a sip of coffee, looking away for a second.

 

“I work in tech. I’m pretty good at it, and I really like it, so, yeah. I got a sweet tooth, too. uh… my favorite genre of books is probably romance, yes I know its cliché, I don’t care.” He chuckles, obviously nervous to be talking about himself. “I don’t think I’ve ever really listened to any song from the 40s, you’re actually the first person to tell me you like this. It's pretty niche. Is that how you met Captain America?” Ben asks, and Bucky can’t help but notice how he’s throwing the attention back on him.

 

Maybe he’s shy.

 

“I guess that’s something we have in common, yeah” Bucky says, not truly a lie. “And his name is Steve.”

 

“What?”

 

“Well, it’s just- it’s stupid, I know, but a lot of people do this. Even the Avengers, they call him ‘Cap’. He already has a name. I don’t understand why people don't use it”

 

“Right. That makes sense, sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologize, it's okay. I don’t know why I mentioned it.”

 

“Well, he obviously matters to you a lot, right? You guys are close?”

 

Bucky shifts uncomfortably on his chair. He hadn’t expected to have to talk about Steve now.

 

“Yeah. He’s my best friend, and the closest thing I have left to a family”

 

Ben nods. 

 

“I understand that. Family is everything. When my brother died, I… anyways. I get it.” He says, sipping nervously on his coffee, air filling with awkward silence for a moment

 

“You guys were close?” Bucky asks, because he doesn’t exactly know how to come back from that.

 

Ben snorts

 

“No. We fought constantly. We had very different…belief systems. But he was very supportive when I came out, and he helped a lot to change my parent’s perspective on the whole gay thing. Also he had to travel loads, for work, and he always brought me stuff that he said ‘reminded him of me’. It’s mostly useless little things that I could find at a dollar store but I hold onto them. We had a prank war going on with our Dad during the holidays. It was…We were brothers. It's hard to explain, but even though he annoyed the shit out of me, I’d give anything to have him back.”

 

Bucky nods, pushing the memories of his twin sister as deep as possible, not wanting for them to resurface now, ridding himself of any thoughts that could potentially make him emotional right now.

 

“Yeah. I get that. Sibling bond. I’d have gone through anything for my sister, and I’d do it still.”

 

Ben gives him a little smile

 

“Same for me…You’re like that with Steve? Like a brother?”

Bucky almost chokes on his coffee.

 

“Yeah. Sure. Brothers” 

 

That feels so wrong on so many levels.

 

Ben’s expression is hard to read at that, but there's something like satisfaction, maybe even relief in his face that makes Bucky pause. Maybe Ben thought something else was going on.

 

“Well, it's good that you guys found that in each other. It's always nice to know that someone has your back. Especially when that person is Captain America .”

 

“Mmhm” Bucky hums, taking another sip of his drink, praying to whoever is listening that the conversation moves away from this subject.

 

Ben seems to pick up on Bucky’s discomfort, but that doesn’t seem to deter him, something like determination working its way in his features, and Bucky’s definitely confused, because surely nobody should be that excited about he and Steve being ‘brothers’. Unless one, Ben is a Captain America fan boy, or two, he thought he’d have to compete against Steve for Bucky’s affection.

 

Bucky feels bad that he lied now. 

 

“We need to make you a list” Ben says, changing the conversation and grabbing a napkin.

 

“...a list?”

 

“Well yeah. Unless you already have one?”

 

“I’m sorry, but I have literally no idea what you’re talking about”

 

“Like a ‘10 things I want to do before dying’ list”

 

“...I’m not dying any time soon,” Bucky says, brows furrowing.

 

“Jesus, I’m not saying you’re dying, I’m saying you’ve just told me most of the things you do, you do because of other people. Watching movies, going out, or on walks, or even watching shows or eating food. So, let me be the person to force you to figure out what you like. We’re making a list”

 

“You said ten things?”

 

“Yes.” Ben says, pulling out a penn from his jacket pockets

 

“Did you just have that laying in there?” Bucky asks with a little amused scoff

 

“...I’m always prepared?” Ben says, almost sheepishly, and Bucky barks out a laugh

 

“To make lists?”

 

“Hey, pens aren’t just  to make lists. But yeah. I love lists, so what?”

 

Bucky stares at him for a second before shaking his head in slight disbelief.

 

“Okay then. But I’m not doing ten. I’ll do three, max.”

 

“Deal” Ben says, grinning at his win. “Three things you want to try before dying”

 

“I’m not dying”

 

“Okay but if you were. What's something you’d regret not ever doing?”

 

Bucky’s mind flashes immediately to Steve and that’s terrible humor but he smirks before trying to find something else. 

 

“I want to visit the Grand Canyon” He says a bit hesitantly, because it's not something he’d ever shared with anyone other than Steve before, and they’re supposed to go together one day. 

 

Ben huffs.

 

“Okay, what about something on a little bit smaller scale?” He says, but he still writes it down and Bucky snorts

 

“Hey, you asked!”

 

“Yes, but it has to be doable . Imagine you’re dying tomorrow. What would you do?”

 

“Fine, finee, sorry. Uhhh,” Bucky has to think really hard before answering next. “I think I’d like to play piano again”

 

“See now we're talking,” Ben says with a grin and he also writes it down before looking up at him. “So, a singer and a pianist, huh?”

 

“Used to. My father taught me. He was not a delicate man by any means but piano? Send this man into a bar and he’d have everyone dancing in 2 minute tops.”

 

Ben smiles at him at that, all sweet, and Bucky feels like a real asshole for being here, for telling him all this stuff. He feels like he’s playing on two teams. He tries to tell himself that this isn't so different from what he used to do before, with all the girls, but he knows deep down it's a lie. It never used to be real . It was for show. A necessity. And this.. is just not okay. 

 

He swallows a lump down his throat, and looks down at the table. Ben must confuse this for grief about his father, because he reaches to his flesh arm and give it a gentle squeeze.

 

“Well, I can’t wait to hear it” The guy says and Bucky’s lump turn into a rock

 

“...yeah.”

 

“What else?” Ben asks, a bit more hesitantly, as if he’s not sure if he should change the subject or not, and Bucky lets out a heavy sigh, because he knows this is most likely pointless. Still, he keeps going, not seeing the point of turning around now anyways, since it's way too late. 

 

Bucky thinks for a minute. He could go for something easy like ‘swim in the ocean’ or something, but it hits him, the one thing he really really wants to do before dying. He looks up again.

 

“There’s people I’ve…wronged. I think I’d want to make amends.”

 

Ben seems surprised by his answer, mouth falling slightly opened, and he’s holding onto the pen a little too tightly. Fuck. Bucky must've scared him.

 

He says nothing when he writes it down and turns the list towards Bucky, pushing it across the table. 

 

3 things to do before dying

1: See the Grand Canyon

2: Play the piano again

3: Make amends.

Bucky looks at it for a second before he looks up. The tension is pretty high, and Ben still looks insanely uncomfortable, so Bucky pretends to squint

 

“That’s a pretty shitty list” He says and that gets Ben’s shoulder to untense slightly as he lets out a chuckle, pretending to be offended

 

“ You chose what to put on it!”

 

“Because you forced me to do it!” Bucky says, playing along 

 

“I refuse to take the blame for this. I’m awesome at lists”

 

“...Big flex.”

 

“Oh shut up” Ben says, rolling his eyes but there's no bite to his tone and Bucky is smiling again.

 

“What am I even supposed to do with this?”

 

“Well, first, we’re gonna go and find a piano for you to play on.”

 

“Wha- today??”

 

“No, not today, Jamie” Ben snorts. “Next time”

 

Right. Next time.

 

Bucky swallows.

 

“And then for the rest… I don’t know. We’ll see. The Grand Canyon is a long road trip.”

 

“Yeah” Bucky says, a bit choked up by guilt, voice coming out a bit strained.

 

“As for today…well, you said you liked movies right? But you don’t have a favorite? So let's find you a favorite. Or at least favorite genre. How long do you have?”

Bucky smirks

 

“I don’t have a bedtime”

 

“I- okay, thats not what I meant, smartass. You busy tonight?”

 

Bucky’s mind flashes to Loki.

 

“I’ve got a friend visiting me, but we didn't say a time.”

 

“He’ll just text you when he gets there, or?”

 

“Nah, he’ll walk in”

 

“He has a key?”

 

“He dont need one”

 

“Right. I forgot you’re friends with super-people”

 

Bucky tilts his head to the side, raising a brow. He could mention that Loki is technically a God, but then he'd have to admit he's hanging out with a guy about half of the world is terrified of, so he bites his tongue.

 

“Anyways-” Ben says again, looking at his phone. “It's still afternoon. We probably have time for two or three”

 

“So we’re just gonna sit in total silence for the next 5 hours?”

 

“We can talk between movies. And then we can say we went to lunch and a movie, which is probably the most boring basic combo you could ever do for a date”

 

“Look at us go”

 

“Right?” Ben grin and Bucky snorts

 

“Fine, movies it is. But I get to choose the first one”

 

“Deal” Ben says and they get up, leaving their now empty coffee glasses on the table.

 

They watch three movies total that night. Bucky chooses to watch a movie called Priceless, which seems to be the only one out that not about spies or shooting or killing or scary stuff, and it’s not bad, but also not the greatest. It is a Christian movie tho, so Ben forbids him from choosing another movie that night, and chooses the other two, which are Moonlight (Bucky did not cry), and Ouija, ( what the actual fuck is wrong with people ). 

 

They do speak, even sometimes during  the movies, which some people are not so happy about, but Bucky seems to be intimidating enough for nobody to tell them to shut up straight away. They also share a popcorn, which is sweet and Bucky’s heart misses a beat every time their hands touch, like a schoolgirl, because he's on a date. 

 

Isn’t that crazy? 

 

He barely even thinks about Steve all night (he swears) and when he and Ben separate, there are no kiss, but there is a slightly awkward hug, in front of Ben’s taxi driver, and it feels so incredibly unnatural for Bucky to just be allowed to do this that he has to physically retains himself from giving Ben a few friendly pats on the back and just hold him normally until they separate.

 

“You’ll text?” Ben asks and Bucky nods with a smile he hopes is convincing, and it seems to be, because Ben smiles back and hop in the cab.

 

Bucky’s own taxi drive home is silent, and he’s lost deeply in thoughts. That wasn’t bad. He had a good time. It was so easy . 

 

Why can’t it be easy with Steve? Why is it always so scary?

 

Is it supposed to be scary? Is it supposed to feel like your every breath relies on this person, like if they weren’t here the earth might as well stop turning? Like they're standing on a wire and the slightest wind might send both of them rolling down a dangerous, burning path? Is it supposed to hurt?

 

Because it's what they do. It's always this way. The last thing they want to do is hurt each other, and yet they can’t help it. It's a curse.

 

Bucky’s frustration is building up, his mind fighting against itself in a way thats far too familiar, and when he gets there he pays and almost jumps out, nearly desperate for that promised drink.

 

When he finally walks into his apartment, Loki is sitting down on the couch, Alpine sleeping peacefully across his shoulders. He’s reading something that looks like a pamphlet. 

 

Bucky opens his mouth to speak, to say that he changed his mind, that this whole thing was a bad idea, that the last thing he needs to be doing is dating , but Loki is faster.

 

“What do you know about jet skis?”

 

That ought to be the last thing Bucky was expecting to hear, and he frowns, immediately distracted.

 

“I- what?”

 

“Jet skis. What do you know about them” 

 

Bucky stands there, blinking for a second.

 

“Uh…they go on water? I don’t know?? Why?”

 

“...No reasons. How was the date?”

 

“No. You can just randomly ask about jet skis and then change the subject.”

 

“Have you never heard of curiosity before?”

 

“You want a jet ski?” Bucky asks, gesturing to what he now sees is a Piranha Powersport pamphlet in Loki’s hand, which the God folds protectively and somehow magically disappears.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

Bucky stares at his friend for a couple more seconds, Loki staring back challengingly, and he sighs, effectively accepting he won't be told more about this for now.

 

“Alcohol” He says flatly instead.

 

“Yes.” Loki says, lazily pointing towards the table. “Brought us Asguardian wine for tonight. Keep the ale for tomorrow. Should have enough”

 

Bucky nods, trying not to look at the several kegs of what he assumes is beer spread around his apartment floor and instead grabbing one of the many bottles from the table instead, uncorking it with his arm and drinking straight from it, downing more than half of it in one go. 

 

When he turns back to Loki, he looks incredibly offended, and maybe slightly worried.

 

“You’re disgusting. Also I told you this isn't regular alcohol. Do you have a death wish?”

 

“Yes” Bucky says, rising a brow and Loki rolls his eyes

 

“Pass the bottle. Idiot. And get us some damned glasses.”

 

“Go get a glass yourself. I don’t need one” Bucky says, clinging protectively on the bottle in his hands, a burning sensation in his throat, mind already getting fuzzy (What is in that stuff??)

 

Loki gives him a judgemental once over and he makes a fancy glass out of thin air, grabbing another bottle on the table.

 

Bucky decides not to question it. Again. It’s almost getting normal now. 

 

He walks to the couch where Loki was sitting a few minutes ago and he also sits down, head lolling back on the back of it to stare at the ceiling. Alpine runs to him and climbs on his face, purring loudly while he lets out a little huff, taking her off to place her on his lap instead, petting her until she lies back down happily, rolling onto her furry little back and making Bucky forget about everything sad and complicated about the world for an instant.

 

“So, I’m assuming it didn't go well” Loki’s voice says, measured, and Bucky doesn't look at him

 

“It went well”

 

Loki misses a beat

 

“...Are you certain?”

 

“It went well.” Bucky insists, teeth almost gritting.

 

“So what's the problem, you ray of sunshine?”

 

“The problem is, why does it have to go well just when its not Steve?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Everything always goes wrong for me and Steve. You know, I thought maybe I was the problem, maybe I was cursed. But now I’m thinking maybe faith is trying to tell us something and we’re just not listening.”

 

“That is nonsense. Are you already drunk?”

 

Bucky only glares at him.

 

“Perhaps we should be then.” Loki says

 

“Agreed” Bucky says, taking another long sip of the wine. 

 

It tastes pretty good, as far as wine goes. Very rich, and sweet. It does burn like hell tho, like the feeling Bucky used to get by drinking straight vodka, except multiplied. Which he doesn't hate all that much, actually.

 

 

---

 

 

Bucky doesn't know where the music came from. He doesn't know when everything got so funny, or when they’d started to think that dagger throwing competition was a good idea.

 

He’s losing so bad when someone knocks on his door that he’s almost relieved. 

 

“Shh shhh, Loki, someone’s knocking” he says, and Loki’s head snaps towards him, dagger in hand. “FRIDAY, shhh” Bucky adds and then the musics goes down

 

That's where it came from.

 

“FRIDAY…who?” He manages to ask, voice slurred, and he curses to himself, because he did not plan on getting that drunk.

 

Loki’s face is so funny right now tho. He snorts.

 

“Maybe it’s your boyfriend” Loki teases, definitely less drunk than Bucky (which is frankly insulting)

 

“Shut up”

 

“It appears to be Mr.Falcon at your door” The AI says, and Bucky frowns

 

What the hell?!

 

He’s considering not opening the door when the knocks come again, and he sigh.

 

“You” He says, pointing to Loki. “Don’t speak”

 

“I am but a shadow” Loki says, but he giggles, which is not something Bucky ever thought he would see but hey, there's a first time for everything.

 

He opens the door slightly, leaning onto the doorway

 

“Wilson. Whasup”

 

Sam eyes him, brow furrowing.

 

“Are you drunk?”

 

“What? Pft. No?”

 

“Not very convincing”

 

“Whatd'youwant”

 

“You weren't at movie night. And you didn't come up to Steve’s either.”

 

Bucky squints at Sam.

 

“I…know?”

 

“People are getting worried”

 

Bucky snorts.

 

“You mean Steven Grant Rogers?” He asks, silently cursing at the slur of his voice

 

“I mean people ”

 

“Who? You?”

 

“Well not me -”

 

“Ha! So Steve, then. None else knows I didnt come up.”

 

“How did you even get drunk?” Sam asks, ignoring his logic and Bucky rolls his eyes

 

“Why you doing Rogers’ dirty work like that? Tsk”

 

“Barnes listen-”

 

“Nah, if Steve wanna know how I am he can come for himself. And Imma lock the damn door. See how he like it”

 

Bucky says and then he closes the door, locking it just like he said he would, and Loki snorts from the corner

 

“Drama queen”

 

“Shut up. You can’t talk.” Bucky says, grabbing the bottle before it disappears from his hands.

 

“You had enough now” Loki says.

 

“You’re no fun”

 

“Boohoo.”

 

 “I understand why everyone hates you here” Bucky says grumpily

 

“You’re just pissy cause you're terrible at throwing daggers”

 

“I’m excellent at throwing stuff!”

 

“...right.” Loki says, glacing at the few holes in Bucky's wall

 

“Alright. Next time we do a sniper contest. See who wins that one” 

 

“I never lose”

 

“I was in the army. Were you in the army?”

 

“I’m a God ”

 

Bucky glares at him.

 

“Okay but were you in the army tho?”

 

Loki barks out a laugh at that and Bucky grins, before remembering something.

 

“Ah fuck”

 

“What?” Loki asks

 

“I forgot to try out my costume for tomorrowwww. Dammit. I’ll be in trouble if it doesn't fit. And I mean like, Tony physically will assault me. He done it before!”

 

Loki snickers

 

“Alright lets try it then”

 

“Now?”

 

“Obviously, now. Not yesterday”

 

“Fine, whatever, no need to be rude aboutit…” Bucky grumbles, starting to walk (he’s not tumbling, the floor is just not level) towards his bedroom, grabbing onto the garment bag on the bed, opening it back up and revealing the uniform inside of it. The sight summoning the same confusing emotions of pride and pain in his chest than it did the day before.

 

He goes into the bathroom to pull it on, and the shirt almost cracks on his left arm. He pretends that it doesn’t break his heart a little, and puts the rest on clumsily, trying to move his upper body as little as possible.

 

When he comes out, Loki look at him.

 

“That is what your warriors wear? Seems awfully unpractical.”

 

“Well, we don't wear this to fight. This was for other stuff.”

 

“Interesting. Like a ceremony outfit, but for fighters?”

 

“Basically”

 

Loki nods and Bucky doesn’t does a little turn. He hasnt yet looked at himself in the mirror, afraid of what the sight might cause.

 

“Looks good?” He asks

 

“You’ve looked worse” Loki says, and Bucky knows this is the closest he’ll get to a compliment, so he shrugs, and finds the uniform isn't so tight anymore. Almost like it remolded itself around him magically.

 

Magically

 

Bucky looks at Loki but doesn’t say anything. He didn't want to alter the uniform. It wasn't meant to be altered, ever. He wanted to fit right back in it, and pretend everything was fine.

 

And maybe that was the problem, yeah? Maybe that's what he was doing with Steve, too. Trying to force them into what they used to be because it was perfect before. He looks down at the uniform and it follows every curves of his body perfectly, more comfortable than it was a few minutes back, more adapted for him. Maybe accepting he changed doesnt mean the old Bucky is dead. Maybe it just means he grew.

 

Tears well up in his drunken eyes.

 

And then the bottle reappears in his hands.

 

“Put your normal clothes back on” Loki says, walking out as if nothing had happened. “I wanna see which one of us can stare the longest”

 

Bucky blinks the tears back down and takes off the uniform, taking another long sip and letting out a shaky breath before moving on.

 

Fuck having big revelations.

 

He has a staring contest to win right now.

Chapter 25

Notes:

Alright guys here it issssss
OMG, are we finally getting domestic fluff in this domestic fluff fic?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sorry everything is taking so long, I've been going through loads of changes recently (moving, changing jobs, medical shit) SO, I can't write very often these days, or have lots of focus when I do have time lmao! My apologies, hope this chapter will redeem me

Thanks again to weird_Kayle for beta reading!!

When Bucky wakes up on the floor, it's not the same floor as usual, which kinda throws him off a little. He frowns, turning his head to look around and slowly recognizing his living room, squinting from the daylight coming through the windows. He wants to get up, but Alpine is purring, curled on his stomach, looking at him with what Bucky thinks might be judgment. He stares back at her in defiance but her judgy looks remain unchanged, and he eventually gives in and pet her head a few times before shooing her away, lifting himself off the ground with a pained groan. 

 

“You're awake. Good” Loki calls from the couch, where he is apparently sitting, effectively startling Bucky.

 

“What the- were you there the whole time??” He asks, blinking to try and chase the confused fog away from his brain.

 

“...Yes? Where else would I be?”

 

“I don't know. Not in my living room looking at me like a creep” Bucky says, eyes wandering down to what he now sees is his bag of green grapes on Loki's lap. “Are you eating my food?”

 

“You drank my wine” Loki shrugs.

 

Bucky plops beside him on the couch, holding out his hand until Loki reluctantly hands him some grapes with a huff.

 

“What the hell happened yesterday?” Bucky asks after a while, unable to remember and starting to give himself a migraine trying, his head already thumping slightly because of the hangover, although Bucky is fairly certain it should be worse, considering how shit-faced he got.

 

“We had sex” Loki says and Bucky almost chokes on a grape

 

“What???”

 

Loki stares at him for a second before his lips tugs up in a smirk

 

“I'm joking. You wish . I have standards, you know”

 

“ Jesus . You’re an ass. You just almost gave me a heart attack.”

 

“Offensive” Loki says, but he drops a few more grapes into Bucky's palm, so he figures he doesn't really mean it.

 

They stay in silence for a couple of minutes before Bucky huffs, his memory of the day before still refusing to come back to him.

 

“What the hell was in that thing?” He asks grumpily, gesturing to one of the empty bottles on the ground.

 

“I’m gonna take a chance and say it was probably wine” Loki says flatly and Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“Don’t be a smartass. I meant, what was in the wine.”

 

Loki stares at him for a second.

 

“Do I look like I grew up on a vineyard? I don’t make the wine myself, Bucky, I simply purchase it.”

 

Bucky groans.

 

“I can’t remember anything.” He admits, and his mouth tastes like ash with the words. Amnesia is a feeling he knows all too well, and the fact it's self inflicted this time makes him feel even more sick to his stomach.

 

“Are you sure you want to remember?” Loki snickers. “Because you lost many games. And your dignity.”

 

“I’m sure.” Bucky snaps, and Loki quirks a brow but says nothing for a few more seconds, as though he is thinking about something. Bucky doesn’t ask, because he has a feeling he’s about to know anyways.

 

He’s right.

 

“My mother could perform mind magic.”

 

“...Okay?”

 

“I’ve never personally went over a few mind tricks, but-”

 

“You can’t play in my head.”

 

“You’re the one who keeps whining.”

 

“I’m not whining.” Bucky snaps and Loki rolls his eyes.

 

“Right. Sunshines and butterflies.”

 

Bucky glares.

 

“It’s the last time I’m drinking with you,” Loki adds. “So moody.”

 

“Now you know what I go through every time you walk in a room.”

 

“Lucky for you I’ll be leaving soon, then.”

 

Bucky finally turns his head to look at him.

 

“What? Where are you going?”

 

“Well I have to leave before your little party starts. And there's a few things in town I must check before leaving.” 

 

“Shit, the party. Don’t remind me.” Bucky sighs, and then he lifts an eyebrow. “Are the things you have to check jet ski related?”

 

“That is none of your business.” Loki says defensively and Bucky snorts

 

“I’m not storing a jet ski in my place, you hear me?”

 

“I will not be bringing a jet ski here! Who do you think I am?”

 

“I don’t know! You’re acting all weird and mysterious about jet skies. Are you planning something evil?” Bucky squints and Loki looks extremely unimpressed.

 

“I’m always planning something evil. And I’m done talking about this.”

 

“Well I’m not. Because if you try to take over the world with jet skies, Romanoff will be all like ‘I told you so’.”

 

“Is that your main concern?”

 

“Well…yeah? That and the fact I’ll have to beat your ass, and I don’t really like water that much.”

 

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

“No, you would look ridiculous on a jet ski.”

 

“I would not !” Loki exclaims but Bucky only laughs. because now he’s just thinking about Loki on a jet ski and if that isn't a good reason to laugh, he doesn’t know what is. He needs this image framed or something. He’ll have to ask Steve to draw it.

 

Assuming Steve speaks to him again.

 

Wait, no. Assuming HE speaks to Steve again.

 

He locked the door!! That's like, a federal offense. Probably.

 

Bucky’s allowed to be a little mad, right? If Steve wants to act like a child, so can he.

 

He’s distracted by his phone suddenly buzzing twice from somewhere, and he leans over to take a look at the ground, where he was asleep.

 

“It’s not gonna be over there, I slid it down the corner” Loki says when he notices him looking at the ground, gesturing to a side of the wall and Bucky frowns at him, confused.

 

“Why??”

 

“It kept making noises. It’s annoying”

 

“So you sent it flying across the room?”

 

“I slid it gently on the floor. And I’m supposedly the dramatic one?”

 

“Whatever” Bucky grumbles, getting off the couch and walking towards the spot Loki had gestured to earlier.

 

“You’d have preferred I let it wake you up?”

 

Bucky stops dead in his tracks and turns his head back towards Loki, eyebrow raised.

 

“You did it so I wouldn’t wake up?”

 

Loki rolls his eyes.

 

“Don’t get flattered. It was driving me mad, and it just so happened to cross my mind it might affect other things in the room, including but not limited to: you.”

 

“So I was an afterthought?”

 

“Basically.”

 

Bucky grabs his phone on the ground before shooting Loki a grin.

 

“Who knew you were secretly a softie?”

 

“I will gut you.”

 

“But then who will store your jet ski?” 

 

“You are genuinely the worst human I have ever encountered.”

 

“That’s why I’m your favorite.”

 

“Not the point.” Loki says, eyes slitting and Bucky snickers, but he doesn’t push, looking at the phone in his hands instead.

 

He’s got a few notifications. From Ben, Peter, Clint and Tony.

 

Wow, okay. So maybe he would’ve thrown the phone across the room too.

 

Or ‘gently slid it on the ground’. (as if)

 

He pretends he doesn’t notice none of them are from Steve, even though they haven’t so much as talked in over 24 hours, which shouldn’t be a big deal, but he realizes it's the first time since he got here that this happens. He doesn’t miss Steve, that would be silly. It’s been just a little over one day.

 

Almost two.

 

Damn it. Was he always so dramatic? 

 

Almost in answer, the memory takes over his mind like a wave.

“Still nothing?” Hodge asks.

 

Bucky shakes his head, lighting up his cigarette, back pressed against a tree, coming from the APS tent empty-handed. 

 

“You send anything yet?”

 

“Nah” Bucky lies.

 

He has sent multiple letters since he got to Europe. One to his sister, which he got an answer to last time they got mail. Three to Steve Rogers. None got answered. 

 

He’s not showing it, but he’s getting nervous. Mail gets lost, it happens, but it's starting to take too damn long. 

 

He takes a drag of his cigarette to stop himself from imagining Steve on his deathbed, all alone in their apartment, too sick to get up, let alone answer a letter. That isn’t the kind of thing Bucky is allowed to worry about anymore. Those are the the kind of thoughts that distract you, and eat at your stomach until one day you don’t see the gun pointed at your face quick enough.

 

Those are the kind of thoughts that get you killed in the war.

 

And it's Hodge that snaps him out of it, of all people.

 

“She’ll write soon enough, brother. And if she doesn’t, I’m sure you’ll meet a pretty little french thing next time we go out in town.” 

 

Bucky takes his last drag, throwing it on the ground and crushing it under his boots.

 

“Right.” He says flatly, and Hodge seems to finally get the message, because he shuts his mouth. 

 

So, maybe Bucky had to pretend he had a lady waiting for him at home when people got suspicious of him going to APS all the time. And maybe when people asked him about her he talked about things he and Steve did, and maybe he told them how pretty ‘her’ eyes were, and that his hand could cover the whole small of ‘her’ back with how tiny ‘she’ was. And maybe it made him feel good, entirely and completely relieved and free to finally be able to tell everyone how being with his partner in a room was like standing in the sun, and how his favorite sound in the world was the sound of ‘her’ laugh. 

 

So. 

 

Maybe he got a bit overexcited about this whole lie. And he’s knee deep now. 

 

He hates talking about it.

 

He doesn’t want to ever talk about anything else ever again.

 

Which is gonna be an issue when he gets home and there's no lady waiting for him.

 

But there’ll be Steve. 

 

….right?

 

God, this punk had better be alive. And okay. And not getting into any troubles.

 

Bucky had a weird feeling somewhere in his guts that he wasn’t sure the meaning of.

 

When he’s made aware of his surroundings again, Loki is standing awkwardly close, examining his features and Bucky frowns, taking a step back.

 

“You had an absence. Is this a medical emergency?” Loki asks and Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“I didn’t have an absence. I remembered something," he says.

 

“Do you always stare into the distance and become unresponsive when you remember something? Humans are fascinating.”

 

“Not always . And it's not a human thing, it's a me thing. Fucked up brain forgot how to remember, I guess. Now I just have to live everything twice.”

 

“Ah. What did you remember?” Loki asks, curiosity shining in his eyes.

 

“War memory. Nothing very interesting.” Bucky says vaguely, and Loki looks like he’s not buying it one second, so Bucky capitulates. “Something about Steve not answering my letters.”

 

“On theme.”

 

“Not really. Back then he just never got them. He was on a UFO tour. I just didn't know”

 

“Well, to be frank, I’m not certain he’s getting your messages now either. Especially since you seem to be trying to send them telepathically.”

 

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

 

Loki quirks a brow.

 

“Am I lying?”

 

“I don’t know, that is one of the things you are best at.” Bucky snarks.

 

“Yes, it is. That, and brutal honesty. Do you want me to go there?”

 

“No thanks.” Bucky answers flatly.

 

“I’m going to anyways” The god says and Bucky groans, rubbing a hand down his face as Loki speaks again. “You’re being a coward.”

 

“I’m being sensitive.”

 

“No. You’re being a coward. ” Loki insists and Bucky bares his teeth slightly at the sting of it. “You’re in love with the man. It’s disgusting to witness with how obvious it is. And vice-versa. You know, for a while I thought you must be blind and scared that the feelings weren’t reciprocated. But then it hit me. You’re scared that they are. ”

 

“What? You’re not making any sense.” Bucky snaps but the words come out a little strained, and he swallows thickly.

 

“The thing I’m not sure of is why . Are you afraid of having to face all this time you’ve lost together? Is that it?”

 

“No. It’s not-”

 

“Then what is it ?”

 

“I don’t want it to change, okay? Fuck. Everything has changed. Nothing makes sense anymore. But this? Steve? He does. He’s my best friend, always has been, and I don’t want- I don’t think I can handle that changing.”

 

Silence falls in the room at his answers, and Loki stares straight at him. Bucky’s crushed with the thing he just said, the thing he was refusing even to admit to himself. His chest is heaving a little.

 

Loki waits a beat.

 

“That's the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

 

“Excuse me?” Bucky asks, because he just opened himself up wide open and he did not expect that answer. 

 

Then again maybe he should’ve .  It’s Loki we’re talking about.

 

“If you don’t want Rogers to stop being your best friend, then he won’t. That doesn’t mean he can’t also be with you. What kind of stupid reasoning is that?”

 

“If you start telling me this ‘your partner should always be your best friend’ crap I’m just gonna leave.” Bucky warns and Loki glares at him.

 

“I’m only saying that he can easily be both.”

 

“And what if everything goes ot shit?”

 

“And what if it doesn’t? Are you afraid of a little bit of risk, Barnes?”

 

Bucky glares back at him, because he knows Loki is right, but Bucky has been in a constant fight with himself for the better part of his life, and he’s angry that someone is finally agreeing with the voice he repressed inside of him.

 

What if it doesn’t?

 

Well, that is not something Bucky has allowed himself to think about very often. 

 

He’s scared of it. Terrified. 

 

Loki is right. Bucky is a coward. Wanting is a dangerous game. He has learned that so so long ago. And yet he cannot stop himself from wanting Steve.

 

And if he stops to think about it too much, he’s scared that it might swallow him whole.

 

Bucky has spent so long yearning for Steve, and even longer accepting it would be this way forever, that he could never have him. 

 

The same way that he repressed his queerness, he repressed his romantic love for Steve, hid it behind a friendship bond that grew stronger than time itself. And now they’re in the future , and Bucky has been forced to relearn all of who he was, only to have to dismantle it. To learn that he can like men. That it isn’t a crime. That he shouldn’t even feel ashamed of it. And he did …kind of.

 

But to accept that he might have Steve? That everything he has ever wanted could be his if he just made a move? It's just impossible.

 

He’s standing on a wire, and he’s so unstable that he can feel every little breeze, that it takes all of his energy to stand straight. And this ?? He knows if he raises a hand to reach out for it, it might just knock him off his feet, and send him falling down. 

 

The thing with falling is, there's always a ground somewhere. And Bucky knows all too well the pain of hitting it.

 

But Loki can’t understand that. How could he? And like hell Bucky’s gonna explain. It won’t make any difference anyways.

 

“Give me a fucking break.” He says gruffly instead and Loki looks genuinely disappointed, shaking his head.

 

“You are a stubborn one.”

 

“You don’t know me.”

 

“Maybe I don’t. But don’t come whining to me when your supposed friend isn’t talking to you for a week. For someone so focused on keeping him as your best friend, you sure are doing a poor job of it.”

 

“What does that have to do with it?”

 

“Rogers is in love with you. It pains him that you do not reciprocate, so he is distancing himself. And you refuse to show him that you do so. You see how that creates an issue?”

 

“It’s not like that.”

 

“You’re going to lose him. It is already happening.”

 

“Stop.”

 

“You’re doomed. That’s it Barnes. You’re at a crossing, and you’re choosing the lonely path. I have been there.”

 

“ Get out. Get out of my place, right now. ”

 

Loki doesn’t miss a beat. He turns around and walks straight towards the door, opening it and sending one last look behind his shoulder.

 

“Your insistence on denying yourself happiness is gonna leave you all alone, Bucky. And who will be to blame then?” He asks, but he does not wait for an answer. He closes the door behind himself and Bucky is left standing in his apartment, surrounded by far too many kegs of asgardian ale that he can’t drink, his head still thumping with his hangover, metal hand closed around his phone so tight he’s surprised it hasn’t broken yet. 

 

He closes it entirely, throwing it back into the corner it was in just a few moments ago. 

 

He’ll deal with that later. 

 

He heads towards the bathroom instead. He needs a fucking shower.

 

---

 

Bucky does deal with it later. 

 

Tony was harassing him about the costume. He sent a thumbs up.

 

Peter was asking him why he missed movie night, which, granted, he did feel terrible about, but he apologized and promised to come to the next one.

 

Clint sent him a picture of Tony looking extremely ridiculous while sleeping and then a video of him, Nat and Peter trying to see how many slices of cucumber they could pile on his face before he woke up (the answer was a surprising 53, in four separate piles) and Bucky didn’t bother answering that one, but he did save the video.

 

Ben just sent a few texts to tell him he really had a good time, and that he couldn’t wait to see Bucky again. He’d answered that one with a smiling face and and explaining he wouldn’t be able to text that day. 

 

And then he closed the phone and tried to find a reasonable excuse to miss the party without proving to the team they were right about him being a basket case or having Tony knock angrily at his door. The answer is: there is none.

 

At some point he had to resign himself to actually getting ready, preparing his hair before putting on the uniform on, not wanting to ruin it with the gel, especially since he no longer has his magical friend to fix it (which he is definitely not thinking about right now). Once he’s satisfied with the way his hair looks (He swears it used to be easier), he heads out towards the room and starts meticulously sliding on the uniform, piece by piece, until he’s completely dressed.

 

He almost leaves right away, without looking at the finished product, because he still feels like looking at himself dressed like this might trigger things he does not want triggered, but there's also something inside of him that needs to see, so he heads towards the bathroom again, taking in a few deep breath and insuring his memories are under control before glancing awkwardly in the mirror.

 

He inhales sharply through his nose at the sight, and his jaw tenses, heart beating furiously inside of his chest. 

 

He’s looking at a ghost. 

 

He takes a step closer towards the glass. He doesn’t recall ever seeing this expression on his own face before, but he recognizes the man in the mirror, perhaps more than he has ever done since he’s been himself again. He knows that face, knows the curve of that jaw and the way this mouth can curve into a smirk. He knows those eyes and he knows the way they wrinkle when he smiles. It takes his breath away to witness this, and he almost chokes.

 

He’s not going to cry. Something tells him that his reflection would tease him for it. He smiles at it. It smiles back.

 

That person is no longer him, but there's something in seeing his younger self in his face, something in being able to finally mourn him, something that almost feels like closure. 

 

He turns around and heads out. 

 

— —

 

This party is hell. No amount of Asgardian alcohol can save him here. 

 

Not that he would know, he’s been more careful about it. Too many people to really be able to let himself be vulnerable like that, although he’s been sipping it faster and faster as the minutes passes. 

 

This party had started, what, maybe an hour ago? All of the Avengers seem to be in conversations with people, except maybe Steve, which has yet to show up. Tony is obviously stressed about it, and he keeps scowling down at his phone like it's at fault.

 

Bucky just learned he doesn’t like fancy parties. 

 

Or maybe it's just this one that's particularly triggering. Everyone is dressed in a different era, which completely throws him off for once. Sure, he expected it, but it still fucking confusing. Also, most of them got it terribly wrong, at least from the little he remembers from each decade. He doesn’t say anything. To basically anyone, actually.

 

He does catch a few desperate look from Clint, which seems to be trapped in a conversation with the same old guy for the better part of the hour, but there's absolutely no way that Bucky is going to take the risk to be sucked into it, so he pretends he doesn't get what Clint wants and hides his smirk behind his glass. 

 

Natasha is the one he talks most to, because she’s behind the bar and the only one who has access to the special keg to refill his glass, so he’s being extra nice to her, and he also pretends he’s not noticing the way Bruce is being extra attentive to everything they say, but he also steps carefully away everytime his glass comes back full.

 

He’s never been this bored in his entire lifetime.

 

And he’s been alive for nearly 100 years. 

 

Where the hell is Steve??

 

Someone slides to his side, and Bucky has to stop his face from doing anything hateful before he turns towards them, relieved to see it's only Scott.

 

“Heyy, Bucko.”

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“..Right. What up? How are you doing?”

 

Bucky raises a brow, wondering if he’s really gonna have to do the whole small talk thing before letting out a yielding sigh.

 

“Bored. You?”

 

“Same. I’ve been mistaken for a waiter seven times since it started. Seven. I’m literally dressed in disco clothes” The other man complains and Bucky can’t help but huff out a little laugh.

 

“Maybe it's something you give off.”

 

“I know. They can smell the poor on me” Scott whines and Bucky fully snorts this time. “That's why I came here actually. There's like a safety perimeter around you or something.” He adds, pointing out the empty space around Bucky, who gives him a one shoulder shrug.

 

“Maybe that's something I give off,” He says.

 

“They can smell the apathy on you.” Scott plays along and Bucky grins.

 

“You're gonna ruin my cover. They’re gonna start thinking I’m approachable.”

 

“Dear heavens, the horror. ” The other man says sarcastically and Bucky rolls his eyes with a little head shake, but it's actually the most entertained he’s been so far, so he doesn’t actually care.

 

“You seen Steve?” He asks Scott, and it's definitely because he’s trying to make conversation and not because he’s unable to focus on anything but the fact Steve is the only one that's not here yet.

 

“Nope. I was gonna ask the same. It's pretty rare to see you and not find Cap in the same vicinity. Figured I might spot him easier from your point of view.”

 

“Ah come on, me and Steve are not always together.”

 

“I don't know, everytime I’m here, you guys are together. But I guess I’m not here as often as everybody else, tho. Honorary member and all.”

 

Bucky lifts his arm to give Scott what he hopes is a reassuring slap on the shoulder. 

 

“A few more times saving the world and I’m sure they’ll make you an official locker in the gym changing room.”

 

“They have official lockers??” Scott asks, looking slightly offended and Bucky winces, but then he spots movement by the door, which he can see perfectly well from where he’s standing (which was a total coincidence), and his focus shifts entirely. 

 

His whole body relaxes as soon as Steve walks in the room, perfectly safe and looking nothing short of stunning. He’s wearing a navy suit and a white shirt, and a colorful yellow and light blue tie with it. He’s also wearing a grey hat, and Bucky looks at the cut of the suit, at the lined tie and he’s fairly certain he’s never seen it.

 

So, a decade he wasn’t out as the Winter Soldier then. 50s? 60s? 

 

He’s so focused on trying to figure it out that he barely notices Sharon. He probably wouldn’t have noticed her at all, actually, had she not just locked arms with Steve.

 

Well. 

 

This is awkward.

 

Wait. No. It isn't.

 

They went on a date. Nothing weird about Steve bringing her.

 

Just because everyone else was trying to persuade Bucky that Steve was into him didn’t mean it was real. He lets out a little sigh, turning his head towards Scott again.

 

“Found him.” He gestures towards the door and Scott looks, as Bucky guessed he would. (He and Clint actually had a bet going on about how long before Scott stops fanboying every time Steve walks in a room like an 8 year old.)

 

“Looks like he found you too” Scott giggles (why do people keep giggling?) and Bucky turns his eyes towards the door again, somewhat curious.

 

He was expecting a glare, maybe an indifferent look, hoping for something apologetic maybe.

 

He was not expecting a full jaw drop.

 

Maybe that was on him for forgetting to tell Steve he would be wearing his 40’s uniform. Honestly. Bucky’s not really sure what to do with himself. He gives Steve a little smile.

 

Wrong move?? Apparently?? Because Steve immediately starts beelining towards them, a very confused Sharon in tow. 

 

Ah, fuck.

 

“Bucky.” Steve says, stopping a few feet away from him, voice a little strained and even choked.

 

Jesus Christ. Maybe he underestimated the effect the uniform would have on Steve. Which really makes sense now that he thinks about it. OF COURSE Steve would feel emotional at the memories, especially since he just got blindsided, and Bucky feels a little bad, so he takes a step closer and Steve turns so red he wonders if the man is not genuinely choking on something.

 

“Steve.” He says, and then he adds, uncertain. “You okay?”

 

“You- You’re-” Steve starts sputtering.

 

“Yeah I know,” Bucky interrupts him. “Sorry. Completely slipped my mind to tell you. With the whole uh…Peter fight.”

 

“The Peter fight.” Steve repeats but Bucky isn’t entirely sure Steve heard anything he just said at all.

 

“You okay there Cap?” Scott asks with a little smirk, that Bucky has half a mind to swat off his face. “You look a little red.”

 

“Yeah,” Steve chokes again, eyes finally snapping away from Bucky, which lets out a little breath. “It’s just…hot in here. Hi, Scott.”

 

“Hi!” He grins with a wave, before gesturing to Sharon. “You gonna introduce us?”

 

Steve’s gaze goes to his side, where Sharon's eyes are going between them with a look Bucky isn’t sure he likes.

 

“Yeah- Of course. Sorry. Uh, Guys, this is Sharon. Sharon, Scott, Bucky.” Steve says with a smile that looks forced, and Bucky feels bad for ruining what he assumes was a good moment between them.

 

“Oh, Sergeant Barnes, nice to meet you. I’ve heard loads about you.” Sharon says, holding out her hand and Bucky shakes it, holding the eye contact, but it feels almost like she’s trying to analyze him, so he forces a grin on his face and hopes it's convincing.

 

“So have I.” He says, wiggling his brows and that seems to do the trick, because she laughs a little before letting go and shaking Scott’s hand.

 

Steve is looking at him again, and Bucky is having a much harder time ignoring him than he had been ignoring everyone else, so he focuses on finishing his glass, no longer caring about staying sober, and it burns all the way down until it’s empty, which is way too quickly. 

 

If he’s not careful, he’s not gonna end in a much better state than yesterday.

 

He lets his eyes glance towards Steve, and there's something almost burning about his stare, something heavy and heated that makes Bucky think maybe Steve is actually still angry with him after all. His throat is dry, and he lets his tongue dart out to wet his lips, the room suddenly feeling much hotter than it did a few minutes ago. (so why is he getting goosebumps?? Is he sick??)

 

He tries to focus on the conversation again but the sound is almost muffled in his ears, and he scowls, frustrated, before Steve’s voice cuts through it.

 

“We should dance.” He says, and he’s still staring straight at Bucky, so he shakes his head.

 

“Oh I’m not drunk enough for-”

 

“Why not?” Sharon answers at the same time, and there's a very tense and awkward silence for a few beats before Scott interrupts it

 

“Oh? What's that? Guys I think someone just called me over there, so I’m just gonna…anyways.” He says, escaping, and Bucky eyes him with envy, looking down at his empty drink to make a plan of his own.

 

“So…uh. I’m gonna go to the bar. Steve I got some Asgardian beer if you want. It tastes weird but it's honestly not that bad. Just ask Romanoff for it…And like, have fun dancing, you two.” He says with a genuine smile before slipping away as well.

 

Well that was excruciating. And he has to remember to kill Tony for telling him to wear this. As soon as the congressman looking dude walks away. And the other like, 300 of them, circling over him like sharks. 

 

He sighs, heading to the bar. 

 

Well this is gonna be a lonnnnggg night.

 

---

 

It is a long night. 

 

Bucky spends most of it trying to hide from Steve. Earlier was just weird, and he does not want to relive that. They didnt even get to have a real conversation since their weird talk at the restaurant, unless you count their shouting match at the dinner after that. 

 

Bucky isn’t one to hold a grudge, not to Steve anyways, but he wants to brood over this just a little longer, because he also hates being confused, and it seems to be Steve's new favorite hobby to make him feel like he’s senile. (would that still be considered early-onset? He’ll have to ask Bruce) 

 

So obviously when Steve sits beside him at the bar, it's natural that Bucky just ignores him this time. It has nothing to do with the fact he drank a little too much (Natasha is a really bad influence) or the fact that he would have never locked the door on Steve just because of a stupid little fight, and definitely nothing to do with the fact Sharon and Steve makes a beautiful perfectly annoying little couple (although he hasn’t actually seen them around the room in a while, which doesn't make him feel anything) and he’s having flashbacks of a little pub in London, and of a red dress. 

 

Nope. The anger he’s feeling has nothing to do with jealousy. This time.

 

“You giving me the cold shoulder now, Buck?” Steve asks, and when Bucky looks at him, his face is a little pink and his smile is loose, so Bucky guesses Steve did take onto his offer to share the beer.

 

“I don’t know. Am I?”

 

“You were nice to me earlier” Steve points out, taking a sip out of a glass Bucky doesn't even know where he got, since Nat is talking to a few people, further down the bar.

 

“You caught me by surprise” Bucky grumbles in answer.

 

Steve laughs heartily at that, and Bucky glares at him.

 

“You’re being petty” Steve says, grinning at him, eyes twinkling with amusement and Bucky rolls his eyes, but there's a shadow of a smirk on his face.

 

“Yes, and?”

 

“I missed it,” Steve says, and Bucky raises a brow.

 

“You missed me being petty?”

 

“Yes.” Steve affirms, but it's a little softer now, and the smile settles on Bucky’s lips when he gestures to the glass in Steve’s hand.

 

“Is that you or the drink talking?”

 

“Little of both.” Steve snorts.

 

“Yeah well, I can sulk a little longer if it makes you this happy.” Bucky threatens and Steve reaches over to his forearm, face getting serious.

 

“You’d be right to.”

 

“Steve-”

 

“No, I’m serious. I was an ass. Honestly I think I’m dealing with all of this terribly. Coming out of the ice, and then learning that you were alive, and Hydra, and now everything else I just- get paranoid. I don’t want bad things to happen to you, or for someone to take you away, does that make sense? I’m sorry, I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this right now , it's just-”

 

“I get it.” Bucky nods, warmth spreading inside his chest at Steve’s explanation. “I feel the same.” He says and the way Steve looks at him as he says that makes him want to down his drink again which he probably would if he didn’t already feel so unsettled.

 

“Will you dance with me?” Steve asks, and it's so out of pocket again and completely unrelated that Bucky tenses up, although he takes a quick look around the room.

 

“You gonna dance with me in public Rogers? Hope you got better at it in the last 70 years or we’re gonna need to advise people to watch out for their feet.”

 

Steve squints at him but the soft smile doesn’t leave his face and it's really doing a number on Bucky’s resolve.

 

“That's not an answer” 

 

“You do realize dancing with me , here, in this place filled to the brim with bored rich people, after the whole newspaper thing is practically begging for gossip, right?”

 

“I don’t care about them” Steve waves his hand around, taking another sip of the beer and Bucky raises a brow.

 

“I don’t think you’re sober enough to make that decision.”

 

“I wanted to dance with you earlier and I was sober.” Steve says and Bucky winces.

 

So Steve was talking to him when he’d asked.

 

He doesn’t even have time to answer that, because as if on cue, ‘I’m in the mood for love’ starts playing, and its sounds so unbelievably staged that Bucky chuckles a bit nervously at it, and Steve hops down his stool, holding out a hand, and Bucky looks at it, unimpressed.

 

“You’re ridiculous.” He says, but he takes a swig of the ale before getting off the stool as well, grabbing onto Steve’s hand and pretending it doesn’t make him feel anything weird. 

 

Steve smiles widen, and it's been so long since Bucky’s seen him act so carelessly happy that he doesn’t even mind the swirl of his stomach (it's probably the alcohol), or the way they obviously catch a few people’s eyes when Steve puts his hand on his waist, ignoring the shiver running up his body.

 

“Oh, so I’m the woman?” Bucky huffs and Steve laughs, tilting his head to the side.

 

“I’m taller.” Steve explains with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

 

“Barely.” Bucky says, glaring but still raising his hand to place it on Steve’s shoulder, which laughs again at his irritation, and Bucky has to bite back a fond chuckle of his own, memories of tiny Steve laughing his ass off to the point of wheezing (and worrying Bucky) in a corner table at a bar because of a stupid joke he himself had made all coming back to him.

 

He doesn’t like how pressed up he is against other people, or the way he can feel their eyes on them, but swaying softly with Steve feels oddly familiar and he lets that recomforting feeling take control, trying to forget of the rest of the world around them, and laughing every time Steve steps on him and apologize. 

 

“You are actually a little better at this.” Bucky says as they do a little turn and he ends up a little too pressed against Steve, which doesn’t seem to mind, continuing the movements as if everything was normal.

 

“Probably from all the fighting.” Steve says, and he winces slightly, probably already chastising himself from mentioning the battlefield, which Bucky does know he tries to do as little as possible.

 

“Except I’m not trying to kill you right now.” Bucky says, trying to defuse the sudden tension. “ Unless, ” He teases, raising his brows and the smile finds its way back on Steve’s face.

 

He looks genuinely happy, and Bucky feels lighter. But that might also be from drinking. 

 

Maybe a fun mix of both. 

 

“You know, when you fell, I went to that pub.”

 

Bucky tenses a bit at the mention of the fall, but he frowns, curious.

 

“Which pub?”

 

“The one in London. That we went to, after Austria” Steve explains, still dancing, and Bucky’s throat dries a bit. He was thinking about that pub earlier too.

 

“Ah. Why did you go?” Bucky asks, wondering where Steve was going with this, throat getting dry again.

 

“I was… That night, when you said you’d follow me. There's things I wanted to say that I didn’t, and I regretted it. That's why I went.” Steve says, voice low, and Bucky refuse to look at him, eyes stubbornly looking over his shoulder instead. “And I wanted to ask you to dance that night, but I didn’t. I couldn’t think about anything else after I lost you. That I should've asked you to dance with me”

 

“We would’ve been killed if you did,” Bucky says, not liking the guilt still present in Steve’s voice, finally raising his eyes to look at him. “That wasn’t your fault.” 

 

Steve shakes his head.

 

“I don’t think I would've even if it was legal, Buck. And I’m sorry for that. You should've danced that night, the last time you ever could. Or at least I thought it was.” Steve says with a little smile.

 

“Is that why you’re dancing with me now? To ease your conscience?” Bucky asks, voice a little bit more sharp than it should be.

 

“No.” Steve frowns. “I just wanted to dance with you. I always want to dance with you.”

 

Bucky’s breath is a little taken away by the implications of that, and when he looks up at Steve again, he can’t help but hear Loki’s words in his mind. He doesn’t want to push him away, doesn’t want to deny himself happiness. 

 

But it's not that easy. Nothing ever is.

 

“What about your date?” Bucky asks and Steve shakes his head, tightening his hold on him as the song is about to end.

 

“Bucky. Stop talking.” He says and Bucky’s heart misses a beat, but he doesn’t pull away until the very last note.

 

“Happy now?” He asks as they stand on the dancefloor, just staring at each other. “You got your dance.”

 

“Happy.” Steve agrees with another little smile. “Want a drink?”

 

“Trying to get me drunk, Stevie?” Bucky teases and Steve grins.

 

“You got us Asgardian booze. That's on you. How did you manage that anyways?” He asks as they start walking towards Nat again, who is staring at them with a knowing smirk from across the room, that Bucky very pointedly ignores as he answers Steve.

 

“I’ve got connections.”

 

Steve raises a brow.

 

“Loki?”

 

“Maybe” Bucky says with a half-hearted shrug.

 

“I still don't understand that, by the way.”

 

“Neither do I. It kinda just happened.”

 

“As long as nothing else ‘kinda just happens’ between you guys” Steve says and Bucky snorts.

 

“Not that it's any of your business, but Loki is not my type.”

 

“What is your type?” Steve asks, glancing at him with his eyebrow quirked and Bucky thinks for a moment before shrugging, sitting down as they reach the bar.

 

“Sweet.” He answers and Steve laughs, sitting beside him and scooting his stool closer. (by accident?)

 

“That makes sense.”

 

“What makes sense?” Natasha asks, handing them two beers that Bucky assumes she prepared when she saw them coming.

 

Steve grins and leans forward, as if it was a secret, and bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“Buck has a sweet tooth.” He states and Bucky does laugh at that, Natasha’s eyes going between them like they’re crazy.

 

“...Oookay” She says, looking unimpressed and Bucky snorts.

 

“Don’t mind him, he's drunk.” 

 

“I’m not drunk.”

 

“I’m the one who’s been serving you guys since this party started. I know exactly the state of both of you.” Nat says, crossing her arms on her chest with a smirk dancing on her lips.

 

“ Why are you bartending anyways?” Bucky asks, curious. “Can’t Stark afford to pay for a bartender.”

 

“I am being paid, I’ll have you know. And I asked to bartend. That way I don’t have to actually talk to anyone and I have something to do instead of pretending to be interested in lame conversations. Also, prime position for observation and gossip.” She explains and Bucky nods, impressed.

 

“Remind me to learn how to make some drinks.” He says and Nat smiles.

 

“Don’t go stealing my job, James.”

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it” Bucky says, raising both his hands up in surrender.

 

The rest of the night goes rather smoothly. Bucky does relax a bit after Steve decides to stay by his side, and although they do get interrupted a few times, his presence seems unsettling enough for most people to stay away from him, and Steve too, by interim.

 

At some point, the party ends and the guests leave, leaving only the Avengers by themselves, and the very obvious lack of Sharon makes Bucky wonder what the hell happened there, but he doesn’t say anything, not wanting to throw Steve off.

 

They sit around to talk and drink, and even play games at some point once everyone’s intoxicated enough to think that's a good idea. 

 

Bucky has fun. A lot of fun. 

 

For the first time in a while, he feels like he belongs. He looks around the room, at the way Tony and Clint are bickering while Rhodey is trying to mediate, at the way Pepper is rolling her eyes and laughing behind her drink, and the way Nat is explaining to a very concerned looking trio made of Sam, Bruce and Scott the best way to hide a body, and it feels like home. 

 

Maybe this isn’t a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, with just him and Steve against the world.

 

But maybe it doesn’t need to be.

 

He scoots a bit closer to Steve on the couch, and his friend’s smile feels like a bright sun in the early spring, and it warms his face just the same.

Notes:

Alright, for every reader still traumatized by what happened after the Halloween party in 'Its Sad To Belong', don't get anxious lmaoooo
I don't intend to traumatize my boys (yet)
Take a breather and a cup of tea, everything will be fine

Chapter 26

Notes:

SORRYYYY I KNOW IM TAKING FOREVER
This one is a little short but I hope you guys like ittttt

<3

Bucky hates this day. He hates everything about it. He woke up cold, by himself, and Steve hadn’t left a note to say where he’d gone. So he had to go to work slightly worried, and then it turns out Frank had broken his foot slipping on the dock, and they were already short on men because of the war, so they had extra work that day. Bucky hadn’t been allowed to take lunch, and for some reason as the day went by he’d started to feel more and more desperate to get home, filled by a feeling of impending doom that grabbed onto his stomach and held so tight he could barely breathe by moments, constantly looking over his tense shoulders as if his body was sensing a danger he couldn’t see.

 

By the time his work day ended, it was already dark outside, and he felt sick and exhausted. He just wanted to get home to clean up, check on Steve, eat a meal and forget about this damned day. 

 

He usually probably wouldn’t have noticed the letter, or even looked at it, but their stupid mail slot is stuck again, and it’s making the letter stick out, flooded slightly in a weird angle as Bucky reaches their door, making itself fairly noticeable. 

 

Bucky doesn’t need to open it to know what it is, as he reaches down. He would know a form 150 by touch only, these days, by the way the paper feels under his fingertips, by the way his heart sinks into his stomach when he sees people holding them. Men he knows, neighbors, friends. 

 

And now, himself. 

 

His thoughts immediately go to his mother. She’ll be devastated. And Becca. She’ll put on a strong face, just like when their father died, but he knows she’s holding by a thread, he can see it in the way she stares ahead silently some days, like her light has tarnished. Becca loved silently but powerfully, and she had never taken easy to loss. 

 

Bucky had to make it out, for them if anything. 

 

Then he hears something inside of the door rattle and fall down, snapping him back to reality, and he realizes he’s been standing in front of the door, staring at this unopened letter for God knows how long. 

 

Steve’s apparently back home.

 

Steve.

 

Steve whose father died at war. 

 

Steve who’s been trying to enlist since Pearl Harbor happened just a few months back. 

 

Bucky holds the paper between his hands and he knows that it's going to change everything, that it's about to mess up everyone in his life.

 

That it’s going to leave Steve all alone.

 

He’s so angry at it all that he could cry. He’s never once felt such a burning rage inside of him. He hates himself even more for it, for how big of a coward he’s being. He knows he’s about to walk inside and Steve is probably gonna start rambling about how unfair it is that they won't let him enlist and that he should be allowed to go and Bucky’s just gonna have to listen and nod and shame himself for wishing he didn’t have to.

 

He braces himself, sliding the form in the inside of his coat, the words he’s about to speak burning his tongue as he steps through the door.

 

But then he’s hit by a wave of sweetness that makes him stop dead in his tracks.

 

It’s the air. The air smells sweet. Like…

 

“Pancakes” Bucky says, surprised, and Steve twirls around from where he’s standing by the oven.

 

“Oh, hey Buck! I was wondering when you’d get here” He says, and he’s got flour all over his shirt, and some on his face and hair, and Bucky would wonder how someone could make such a mess but then again he knows Steve. 

 

He’d usually laugh at the state of him, walk closer and take a closer look at what the hell was happening, probably eat some of the raw mix and then run away before Steve can catch him, but right now it’s like his feet are made of cement, and he already grieves for this, for the peace of this life, of his routine. 

 

He’s a soldier now. Soldiers don’t eat pancakes. They eat bullets.

 

He swallows, and Steve must see his discomfort, because he frowns.

 

“Another bad day?”

 

“Yeah” Bucky says simply, chuckling bitterly at the understatement. 

 

“Figured. Been like that the whole week”

 

“What do you mean?” Bucky asks, because he never really complains about work to Steve, or anyone really. He does what he has to do, and even when it's a pain, he’s grateful that it gives him a home to come back to, and puts warm food on his table, or medicine when Steve gets too sick.

 

“You were down.” Steve shrugs, before gesturing to the already cooked (burnt) pancakes on a plate beside the mix. The radio between it is also covered in the batter, somehow still playing music, although it sounds a bit drowned. “Thought I might do something to cheer you up”

 

Bucky feels a lump form in his throat, the news he was supposed to announce rotting in his mouth. The letter is still pressed against him in his inside pocket, and it suddenly feels like it's on fire, burning his skin through the layers of clothes, straight to the heart.

 

He opens his mouth.

 

“Dance with me” is what comes out

 

“What?” Steve frowns again, although there's a small smile dancing on his lips. “I’m cooking”

 

Bucky shakes his head, shaking his coat off and letting it drop to the ground. He didn’t realize he was going to say that. For a moment, he really thought he was just gonna blurt out that he was drafted, and yet his brain decided differently. He’s not mad at it, it's more the opposite, like he’s grasping desperately for this last piece of normalcy.

 

“Dance with me” he repeats, taking a few steps forward and Steve rolls his eyes, sending an hesitant look at the radio and turning the already black pancake quickly on the stove before looking back at Bucky.

 

“I don’t know that one” He says, apologetic and Bucky closes the space between them, still wearing his dirty work shoes but not caring one second, pressing Steve against him almost like a hug, putting his chin on top of his head and wrapping his arms around him before twirling him softly, ignoring his huff of objection. “Bucky! It’s gonna burn”

 

“It’s already burning” Bucky says, sending a look to the food on the stove but still holding out his arm to close the heat, and Steve shakes his head against his chest but still reluctantly puts his arms around Bucky as well.

 

“That’s the last time I’m cooking for you” Steve says and Bucky squeezes his eyes shut, pain beating in his heart and his breathe hitches slightly, but he hopes Steve doesn't hear it. 

 

It’s not the last time Steve cooks for him. He’s not deployed. But still. He lets out a deep breath, swaying Steve softly side to side, just breathing him in, trying to tattoo this moment inside of his brain forever.

 

“That’s not a song for slow dancing” Steve points out after a while of this, and Bucky just hums against his hair, because he wasn’t even really listening to the music anyways. 

 

There's another beat of silence, and Bucky knows that Steve figured it out just by the way his hold tightens around him.

 

“You got it” He whispers against his shirt, and Bucky stops moving, unable to speak, mirroring Steve and holding a little tighter as well.

 

He doesn’t answer. 

 

“No” Steve says, and Bucky knows what's coming next. Steve’s gonna get angry, stalk out of there and find somewhere to apply again, and get rejected, again. “You can’t go” 

 

It takes a moment before Bucky registers what Steve says, or the dejected way he says it, because he was expecting something wildly different, and he’s taken aback. He freezes.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m not gonna let you go without me Buck. I won't”

 

“Come on Steve. I have to, you know that”

 

“I know . But- Can’t you- We have to figure out a way for me to come with.”

 

Bucky swallows.

 

“I can survive without you. And you’ll be fine without me, too.” 

 

That's a lie. They both know that. They both like to pretend they don't.

 

“Fuck that”

 

“Hey, watch your tongue” Bucky says and he can feel Steve roll his eyes without even seeing his face, still pressed up against him. It's almost enough to make him smile. Almost .

 

“Don’t joke right now” Steve says and he sounds a little choked. Probably from Bucky holding him so close. He loosens his hold a little bit, but Steve’s own arms only press him impossibly closer in response, so he let out a little scoff.

 

“I never joke” He says, but his mouth is pasty and his eyes burn with the tears he refuses to shed, so it falls flat, and the kitchen falls silent again, the only sound being the happy music clashing against their miserable mood. 

 

They stay silently holding each other like this for far too long, and Bucky knows that this whole scene would be enough to get both of them killed, but he can’t be bothered to care at the moment, because this is his and it’ll be his forever. No one will ever take this from him. 

 

“If you die, I’m going to be so mad at you.” Steve mumbles against him after a while, and that does pull a little chuckle out of Bucky, who buries his face deeper into his hair.

 

“I’ll never die, then. I’m gonna live forever”

And then Bucky wakes up. 

 

A dream.

 

A real, nice, dream. Well, more like a memory, but a semi-nice one nonetheless. And during the night, That has to count for something, right? He hadn’t had one of those in a while, unless you count that weird thing with his sister. 

 

For a second, he’s a little confused as his eyes flutter open, because he feels exactly the same way as he did seconds ago as he was dreaming, he can almost still feel Steve’s arms around him, holding him close. 

 

No. Wait.

 

He can still feel Steve’s arms around him, holding him close.

 

Bucky suddenly startles out of his sleepy state, noticing his surroundings and looking down at his waist in a panic. 

 

That is definitely an arm.

 

And that is also not his room.

 

So.

 

Perhaps Bucky drank a little more than he thought he did. That’s on him. He has to get used to that Asgardian alcohol. 

 

Since it’s apparently bound to make him sleep in other people’s bed. 

 

In Steve’s bed .

 

Well, that makes sense, honestly. He sleeps in Steve’s room most night, he probably didn’t realize it before crashing into the bed. He was drunk.

 

But the cuddling part? THAT makes a little less sense. 

 

Sure, Steve and him used to cuddle. It was a thing. But they were cold back then, it was different. They were doing it out of necessity . 

 

…Right??

 

He can’t tear his eyes away from the arm around his waist for what seems like an eternity, but might also have been a second. That's…new. Bucky liked holding Steve. He loved holding Steve. 

 

But this is different. Steve is holding him. He can feel the warmth of Steve’s arm around him, keeping him close and his chest pressed against his back and his breath against his neck and.. Jesus.

 

He has to get out of here.

 

First issue is, how the fuck does he manage to get out from under Steve’s arm without waking him up??

 

He tries shifting slightly under the hold, moving gently and silently, but Steve’s breath hitches a little, his arm flinching subconsciously and Bucky has to bite back a few Russian curses before they cross his lips and seal the deal. He thinks maybe the quick and easy way might be efficient, just be out of there so fast Steve wont even have time to blink, but the motherfucker is very close to him, and Bucky knows for sure that the way he's holding him, there's no way he can do that without Steve getting startled.

 

Not that Steve waking up would necessarily be a bad thing, but Bucky just doesn't want to deal with the awkwardness of this. Truth be told, he just wants this to be over with, so he can pretend it never happens like everything else that has to do with Steve.

 

Or of course he could act like an adult and talk to his oldest friend about the lines they've been blurring and the way he's feeling more confused than ever about everything that they are and everything that he's feeling.

 

Ha.

 

Right.

 

Anyways, so, Bucky decides to try to wiglle his way from under Steve’s arm vertically instead of horizontally, and he's kinda getting it when he's suddenly pulled way back up, and then Steve groggily speaks against the back of his neck, sending shivers running down his body before he can even manage to be surprised.

 

“No”

 

Bucky tenses immediately, panicking, before answering, aiming for a tone he hopes sounds light and casual although it clashes with the way he usually speaks, defeating the whole purpose.

 

“No?”

 

“It's too early.” Steve grumbles and Bucky snorts

 

“You don't even know what time it is”

 

“Shhhh” Steve shushes him immediately, securing his hold on Bucky's waist and Bucky is suddenly very busy observing how white the opposite wall is. 

 

For someone who was always a morning person, Steve was still the grumpiest motherfucker when he'd just woken up, and Bucky wasn't trying to awoke the monster.

 

But Jesus Christ.

 

He wasn't used to being held like this anymore. It sends a whole lot of contradicting signals into his heads and body, some that felt honestly terrifyingly overwhelming and he looks over his shoulder, trying to peek at Steve in his back. He feels out of control, ina. way he rarely feels, and although he trusts Steve with his life, he still hates being at anyone's mercy, or being held down, and that situation checks pretty much all cases. Some part of him hates wanting to move at all, but his heartbeat is already picking up, and he innevitably tries to find a reasonable excuse to get up.

 

“I'm gonna pee your bed”

 

Steve groans plaintively at that, and Bucky chuckles but Steve's hold doesn't loosen, so he finishes it by a big sigh.

 

Steve must finally be awake enough to realize what he's doing, because Bucky can hear his brain click when he begins overthinking, and his arm lifts faster than Bucky has ever seen a human move.

 

He quickly rolls overs to the side of the bed to gets down, and Steve looks mortified but like he's trying to be cool about this, and Bucky has to work really hard to hold a smirk in, and he runs his tongue on his bottom lip, and he feels the sudden urge to tease Steve about this, just like old times. 

 

Something almost like an instinct, a few flirty punchlines at the tip of his tongue, like they’ve been dormant and just got woken up. Its a little scary, but he also feels more like himself than he has in a while. He needs to sleep that good more often. 

 

He wonders what it would feel like to just listen to that instinct. Only one way to find out, he guesses. He leans back a bit, feeling perhaps slightly overconfident and definitely too adventurous for his own good.

 

“Slept well?” He asks, looking down at Steve from the side of the bed and Steve looks up at him with an adoring smile.

 

“Best sleep I've had in years”

 

Uh oh. That's not exactly what Bucky was going for. He cocks his head to the side slightly, considering his options before looking down at himself, still in uniform. He can work with that.

 

“Same” He says, stretching his arms over his head from one side to the other, making sure he's doing it enough so that his shirt lifts slightly to expose just a patch of skin, like it used to do back in the 40s.

 

Like magic, Steve's eyes snaps down, and Bucky bites back another grin. Bingo. 

 

“That's…good. Nice. Very nice” Steve says before pulling his gaze away, swallowing thickly, but now Bucky's having fun and he's not exactly quite done with him. He reaches over to pretend he's smelling the shirt, pulling a face as if it's smelly and throwing it over his head and in the corner of the room. 

 

“I think I'm due for a shower” He states, running a hand through his hair, standing in only his pants and Steve is staring at his chest now, shamelessly, as if he can't really help it, and Bucky doesn't bother hiding his smirk this time.

 

“Eyes up here, pal” He says, and Steve's jaw falls open, eyes finding his quickly, obviously caught, getting a little red in the face before his traits finally fill with realization.

 

“You're doing it on purpose!”

 

“Me? Never” Bucky says innocently, batting his eyelashes and Steve throws a pillow at him.

 

“You're incorrigible, James Buchanan Barnes. You'd flirt with a rock if it looked at you the right way” His friend says before throwing another one.

 

Bucky laughs as he escapes the projectiles, grinning cockily before tilting his head to the side.

 

“Only if the rock cuddled me to sleep” Bucky teases

 

“Go take your shower” Steve deflates, throwing another pillow. “You stink”

 

“Fine” Bucky shrugs, grabbing a few clean change of clothes from Steve's drawers before heading to the outside of the room, daring but still not enough to shower in the ensuite. “All I’m saying is it's weird that you want me naked so badly”

 

Bucky laughs again when he close the door behind him as he says it and hears the pillow hitting it roughly, just as he'd expected

 

“Fuck you!” Steve calls after him

 

“You wish!” He calls back as he reaches the bathroom door, just in time to hear Steve let out a few curses and Bucky lets out a snort.

 

Wait. This is fun. Loki was right. Bucky should have been flirting with Steve this whole time.

 

Except flirting with Steve when he thought he was straight was one thing. Flirting with him now that he knows he isn't is a completely other thing. He knows technically it isn't, but before he had the easy excuse to say that it didn't matter because neither was interested in the other anyways, that it was just fun and jokes. Now he doesn't, and he knows if he's not careful this could take a turn. He gets in the bathroom, leaving Steve behind and locking the door.

 

Just in case.

 

When Bucky gets out, Steve is making the breakfast, and its burnt and familiar and not at all awkward like he'd expected, and they do easy conversations and bring up absolutely nothing of substance, as usual, and Bucky doesn't dare asking about Sharon, or to mention when Steve's feet brushes his a little too often under the table, or the fact that Steve separated a chocolate bar in their plate even though it was breakfast just because.

 

Bucky loves peaceful denial. Just like in his dream. He’s 100% certain that if Steve hadn’t figured it out, he would’ve forced him to dance with him in the kitchen for the rest of their lives, even if the world burned to the ground, just to avoid having to look at the truth in the face. 

 

But there's no war now. There's no rush. And if Steve takes a little longer to figure it out, who cares? They can keep pretending. 

 

At least until the cut starts bleeding too much, and they have to cauterize.

 

Or amputate.

Chapter 27

Notes:

Alright guys, this one has a tiny bit of french in it but I'll translate it in the authors note at the end if you're curious about what it says
Itty bitty time jump here cause if I cover every day until these dumbasses get it together we'll never come out the other side

Thank you weird_Kayle for beta reading the chapterrrr

Hope you guys enjoy <3

The morning is quiet. Steve left early for his run, as he always does, and Bucky assumes he must’ve decided to eat breakfast with the team, because he hasn’t been back since he shuffled out of their bed that morning.

Correction, his bed. That Bucky has been sleeping in every night for nearly two weeks, since the party. 

 

It's not weird. He just sleeps better that way. And it's done wonders for his back, honestly. 

 

Anyways.

 

The morning is quiet, and Bucky likes it. He loves Sundays, because although he does nothing most days, the ‘doing nothing’ on Sundays just feels more right. This is Sunday’s purpose. He takes a sip of his coffee and lets out a contented sigh. 

 

And then Friday’s voice fills the room.

 

“Your friend has requested the elevator access to this floor”

Bucky groans, looking up at the ceiling in slight despair, but he already knows who it is, and he buries his face in his palms

 

“Let him in”

 

It’s also been two weeks since he and Ben’s first date. They’ve been seeing each other somewhat regularly since then, and by that he means almost every day, just to hang out for a few hours at a time. Ben’s pretty adamant about helping Bucky find what he likes, so they’ve been to museums, theaters, sports games, libraries, restaurants, name it. The only thing Buck said no to so far is dancing. He can’t dance with Ben, that would just feels wrong. 

 

Almost as wrong as sleeping in Steve’s bed and then waking up to go paint tea cups in a hippie coffee shop with the guy he’s seeing. 

 

Well, technically there hasn’t been anything more than a few awkward hugs between them, but Bucky still feels bad about the whole Steve situation. 

 

He likes Ben tho, and it's the first time since he’s been back to himself that he feels like he’s getting close to someone who sees him for who he currently is. 

 

Not The Winter Soldier.

 

Not the ghost of his past self.

 

Just, Bucky.

 

Or, more accurately in this case, Jamie.

 

The knock on his door forces him out of thoughts, and he gets up to answer, moving out of the way before Ben waltzes in like a tornado.

 

That's a side of Ben he’s learned to know as well. The shy little guy he met at Coney Island turns out to be quite the force once he’s out of his shell.

 

He’s wearing a winter hat that makes him look frankly ridiculous, so Bucky snorts, and Ben points at him, squinting although his eyes twinkle teasingly.

 

“Don’t make fun of me, or I’ll have my mom make one for you, too.”

 

Bucky raises both hands in surrender.

 

“I’m begging you, don’t.”

 

Ben puts a hand on his heart, pretending to be hurt.

 

“My poor mother. What if she could hear you?”

 

“Is she hiding under the hat?” Bucky asks and that earns him a swat, that he doesn’t bother dodging, just taking it with a chuckle.

 

“You’re cruel” Ben says, but he takes off the hat nonetheless, letting out a fluff of messy hair from under it.

 

“You’re the one who interrupted me mid-coffee.” Bucky shrugs, walking back towards the dining room and knowing Ben would fall into steps with him. “It’s actually a crime to come in unannounced before 10pm. For your information.”

 

Ben rolls his eyes, shrugging off his coat as he sits down in front of Bucky.

 

“Well, since you’re asking, ” Ben says, a grin slipping back on his face. “I’m here for a good reason.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“I’ve found a piano.”

 

Bucky raises a brow.

 

“..congrats?”

 

Ben looks at him for a minute like he’s wondering if Bucky’s slow, before he gives up and throws his arms in the air, pulling a paper from his pocket and shaking it in Bucky’s face.

 

Bucky grabs it and frowns down at it. It takes a second before he realizes that it’s the list of things Bucky wants to do before dying, the one Ben had asked him to make on their first date. He looks back up at him.

 

“You kept it?”

 

“Of course I kept it. I said we’d do everything on it. Easiest one was obviously the piano.”

 

Bucky looks around, a little confused. 

 

“Well, unless the piano is also hiding under the hat, I’m gonna need you to be a little clearer.”

 

“The piano is actually hiding in a bus terminal”

 

“What?”

 

“I can’t afford to buy a piano, Jamie. I just had to find one that was usable. And I did! There's this new thing that started in the fall, they put a bunch of public pianos around and one of them is in the midtown bus terminal. I checked it out yesterday and its working, so here I am.”

 

“You want me to play piano for the first time in…so long, what, in a bus terminal??? ” Bucky asks, obviously not liking the idea one minute. 

 

“Aw, come on, it won’t be bad. And I spent so long trying to find it.”

 

“You know, I’m fairly certain Tony probably has a piano laying around somewhere.”

 

Ben looks at him flatly.

 

“Get up, we’re leaving.”

 

Bucky lets out something that sounds far too much like a whine for the ex-psychopathic killer he’s meant to be. He doesn’t care.

 

“But it’s Sunday. Sunday’s are meant for-”

 

“No. Nuh uh. You’re not convincing me to stay in again .”

 

“We could keep reading?” Bucky tries anyway and Ben stares, unimpressed, until Bucky turns towards the window, not even needing to get closer to feel the iciness emanating from it. “Looks cold out.” 

 

Ben grins at him.

 

“Want my hat?”

 

Bucky glares in answer, getting up to get his coat anyways.

 

So much for a peaceful Sunday.

 

---

 

 

“You walk so slowly.” Bucky huffs as they finally walk in the bus station, and Ben elbows him.

 

“You’re the one that was basically running. ”

 

“I hate the cold.” Bucky grumbles, looking around the station, hands still in his pockets, and Ben looks slightly guilty for a second before his face gets back to normal.

 

“We’ll take a taxi on our way back. Come on, now.” Ben says, hooking his arm with Bucky’s and pulling them forward, Bucky rolling his eyes but following.

 

He’s getting used to the guy’s easy, casual touch. He never acts like Bucky’s gonna break, or jump at his throat. It makes it easier.

 

“Tadaaaa!” Ben says, stopping them in front of a colorfully painted piano. ‘Sing for hope’ is written on it, and it's currently not being used. 

 

Bucky’s suddenly very nervous, just looking at it, and he tries to survey the place.

 

There's a lot of people here, which makes sense cause it's the weekend and they’re in Manhattan, but still, that feels like a lot of ears. Bucky never used to have issues with people hearing him play, he even remembers liking it, the way the music would take them away, make them move, like he was doing something magic. 

 

But times are different. He’s different. 

 

Ben intertwines their hands, something Bucky allows once in a while, when he’s too busy or tired to remember to feel guilty. The pit in his stomach grows when Ben squeezes reassuringly.

 

“You can do it.”

 

“I don’t think I can.”

 

“Come on! Let me hear you. That's going on my list of things to do before dying.” Ben says, nudging him forwards towards the instrument.

 

“Neither of us are dying.” Bucky points out, the same way he did back in their first date, and Ben rolls his eyes.

 

“Jesus Christ, sit your ass down.”

 

Bucky sighs, sitting down and glaring frustratingly at the tiles in front of him.

 

He hasn’t made music since he got his new arm. He doesn’t know if it’ll be the same.

 

And then he remembers that not everything has to be the same to be good. That’s something he’s been working on a lot since the Halloween party. Change doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. His psychiatrist was surprised when he told her he came to that conclusion the other day.

 

Ha, who’s doing horrible now, old hag? He’s better at her job than she is. 

 

“What do you wanna play?” Ben asks, now looking over his shoulder curiously.

 

“I don’t wanna play anything.” Bucky says, finally lifting his hands to let his fingers dance tentatively over the piano tiles softly, without pressing. 

 

“Okay then,” Ben snorts, sitting beside him on the seat, cramping up the space. “What are you gonna play?”

 

Bucky smiles at the first song that pops into his mind, but his fingers still lay softly on the tiles, not quite daring starting.

 

“You put it on the list,” Ben says, pressing their shoulders together. “Must mean something to you, doesn’t it? Why stop yourself from doing the things you love?”

 

Bucky glances at him.

 

“You know, you’re not the first person to tell me this” he says, Loki’s words ringing in his mind. He hasn’t seen the God since the party, since their fight. 

 

Maybe he is denying himself happiness, he thinks, fingers slowly moving on the piano. Maybe he doesn’t deserve it. 

 

But that’s not it. He doesn’t even know if playing will make him feel anything like it had before. He only has good memories of making music, and he doesn’t want to spoil them. 

 

But surely just a song can’t hurt much, can it?

 

He starts playing a few uncertain notes, just to try, not making any specific melody, and when his fingers find their rhythm, his grins grow a little bigger.

 

He starts playing ‘Night and Day’, the song that he was thinking of a little earlier, and his muscles seem to have a better memory than him, because although he can barely remember his father’s laugh, the tune comes easy to him. His metal arm has a few hiccups, but it mostly goes well, and he even starts humming at some point of the song, softly, mostly to himself to help remembering where he’s at. 

 

When he lifts back his head, at the end of the song, Ben is grinning excitedly.

 

“You’re good at this!”

 

“Did you think I’d be bad?” Bucky asks, lifting a brow.

 

“Well, you were nervous like someone who was bad.” Ben says and Bucky scoffs, but it's all playful and he knows it.

 

He turns back to the piano, filled with a sense of weird accomplishment, and maybe a tad bit of that grief he felt when he saw himself in the mirror, dressed in his 40’s uniform. Except he doesn’t have to bury that part of him. Maybe it can stay with him, fill a little bit of that hole inside of him that feels less and less empty as he learns to be a person again. He doesn’t have to forget James or Sergeant Barnes. Maybe they can live within who he is now. 

 

But that's a little too poetic for a Sunday. He starts playing some swing, and although it does feel a little weird in the bus station, he still has some fun, and some people even stops to compliment his playing, which makes him feel all warm and even a little flustered in a way he never used to get before, but that doesnt feel weird enough to make him want to stop whatsoever. 

 

At least not until a little voice pierce the music, out of place enough for his attention to peak.

 

“Mommy! I want to play, too! Please!” 

 

He turns his head, slowing the movements of his hands until he spots the little girl pulling on her mother’s hand.

 

“Ava, honey, there's already someone there.” Her mother scolds softly, sending him an apologetic look.

 

“No, let her come. Jamie can show her a few notes, right Jamie?” Ben asks and Bucky is frozen for a second, but then the girl legit squeals in happiness at the news and he knows there's no way out of that one.

 

He hopes his reluctance doesn't show too much when Ben lifts himself off the bench beside him and helps the little girl climb on, her mother standing close, wary.

 

As she should be. If only she knew who her little one was really sitting beside.

 

“You’re a musician?” The girl asks, looking up at him with her big bright innocent eyes and Bucky can’t help smiling.

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

“Liar.” She says, putting her little hands on the tiles and pressing randomly, making sounds that Bucky has to work really hard not to wince at. “Ma said you’re a musician.”

 

Bucky snorts, gently pulling her hands up and replacing them on the tiles.

 

“Well, I’m not.” He insists. “But I can teach you a song if you like?”

 

The little girl nods excitedly, and Bucky tries really hard to think of the first song he ever learned, but he can’t remember. He swallows thickly. 

 

“I don’t know a lot of kid songs but-”

 

“I’m not a kid. I’m five.”

 

“Right. What I meant is I don’t know a lot of easy songs, but I can play you a lullaby my mom used to sing to me. It’s a made up song, tho, you won’t know it.”

 

“That’s okay.” The little girl says, looking at the piano expectantly. “All songs are made up songs.”

 

Bucky chuckles.

 

“Can’t argue that logic.” He says, and then looks down at her. “Want me to play it first and then you try?” 

 

The little girl hesitates for a second before agreeing, and Bucky smiles again, starting to relax. He used to be good with kids, he thinks. He wanted them, that much he remembers. He ignores the bitter feeling and focuses on starting the song. It’s one he learned for his mother’s birthday when he first started playing. They were lucky enough to have a house and a piano back then. 

 

It was before everything went to shit and their dad got sick. 

 

Focus, Bucky.

 

He goes slow, slower than the song is meant to be played, explaining his hand placements as he goes, and the little girl is listening intently. 

 

By the time he’s done, she’s buzzing with excitement.

 

“Okay, my turn!” She says, scooting closer on the bench and Bucky gets the hint, giving her a more centered spot.

 

It takes maybe ten minutes of her trying and Bucky explaining before her mother sighs behind them.

 

“Ava, we have to go.”

 

“Just one last time, mommy! I’ll get it this time!” She says and her mother agrees a little reluctantly, making Bucky snort with amusement.

 

“Alright, so this is the one.” He says encouragingly and Ava looks up at him.

 

“Can you hum while I play? So it's easier” She pleads and Bucky wants to say no very badly but LOOK AT HER FACE.

 

Jesus.

 

“Fine.” He grumbles, and the little girl lets out a happy little giggle as she looks back down at the tiles.

 

Bucky starts humming. 

 

The song isn’t very long, and she hasn’t made a mistake yet, so he thinks she might get it. 

 

But then she starts humming along with him and the memory hits him so quickly he doesn’t even see it coming before it takes over his head entirely, making him blank.

The asset’s work is done. It has followed all the rules.

 

Quick, silent death. It had killed the wife in front of the husband, as requested. It was ready to go back. 

 

And then it hears the sound of something in another room. Someone.

 

The soldier tenses back immediately. It thinks about the mission’s parameters. The couple had a small female child, but it was sent away to her grandparents for the holidays, and it had not been considered necessary to wait for her return to punish the man. The child was meaningless to Hydra.

 

Witnesses weren’t.

 

The weapon follows the sound, which it quickly recognizes as cries. It was evident to it that the child was no longer at her grandparents house. It doesn’t remember her being seen as a threat to Hydra.

 

But it is not allowed to leave witnesses behind. 

 

It enters the room.

 

The sound is coming from under the bed, and the asset can see little toes poking out. It leans forward and pull the girl out. She screams, covering her little face with both arms, and it points its gun at her head before pressing the trigger to silence her quickly.

 

Nothing. 

 

It has ammunition. The assets knows that. The gun is stuck, and the child is screaming. It has to silence her quickly.

 

He bends down and picks her up, pressing her against his chest.

 

She trashes a bit at first, but then quickly calms down and stops screaming while the asset reassesses. 

 

It doesn't know why it is holding the child. It does not matter, for it has worked. 

 

It could use its knives, but there is something within it that refuses to reach for them, something resembling a shiver traversing its body when it thinks of staining the child’s pajamas with blood.

 

It’ll have to choke her.

 

The girl whispers at it just as it takes its decision.

 

“Es-tu venu pour arrêter les méchants? J’ai entendu mes parents crier. Je crois qu’on leur a fait du mal.”

 

Ah. French, then. The asset considers its surroundings. It had forgotten it was in Europe. Its memory might need work again. It clenches its jaw, and holds the girl a little closer against its chest. She is not screaming anymore. He doesn’t know why he is doing it. 

 

“C’est trop serré.” The girl whines, trying to push away, but the asset doesn’t loosen his hold, tightening it instead until the girl starts trashing again. When the screams restart, they are muffled against it.

 

As the girl slowly loses her strength, the asset hears music. It is starting to get annoyed. Is there someone else in the house? Why is it so loud?

 

It’s only by the time it lays the lifeless body back onto the bed that he realizes the song is coming from its throat. The soldier was doing it itself.

 

It was making music for the child. 

 

It turns around and leaves the room, then the house. 

 

It gets beaten very badly that night, when it comes back to base and refuses to give verbal mission reports. 

 

They’ll have to wipe it, make it forget before it accepts to use its voice again.

 

Please let it forget.

As soon as he blinks back to Ben shaking him, a worried look on his face, Bucky jumps away from the piano as if it had burned him.

 

The little girl shuffles away as well, looking under it as if she thought Bucky’d seen something scary. 

 

“Are you alright? You kind of…passed out? But not really?” Ben asks, frowning.

 

“I’m a nurse. Looks like your friend had an absence seizure. It wouldn’t worry me usually but this one was particularly long, maybe you should get checked out.” The lady says, and Bucky shakes his head, heart still racing inside of his chest. He can’t even look at the girl.

 

“I’m fine, I’m just…a… veteran. I had flashbacks.” He tries to explain, and understanding seems to flood the woman's face.

 

“Oh. Apologies. Thank you for serving our country.” She says with a warm smile and Bucky shakes his head vehemently.

 

“ Please don’t thank me.” He basically begs, his mouth tasting of bile at the thought of being thanked for the atrocities he’s done.

 

“Are you okay, Jamie?” Ben asks, putting a hand on Bucky’s arm and Bucky startles away, still slightly panicking, the memory haunting his head and making him short of breath.

 

“Yes, I- Can we just..leave?” He asks and Ben agrees, but Bucky was already walking away anyways.

 

He pretends he doesn’t hear the little girl shouting behind him.

 

“We didn’t finish the song!”

 

---

 

 

The walk home is particularly silent.

 

Bucky doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want to have to explain. He wants to be home, he wants to find Steve right now. He feels bad about that, because Ben is basically running to keep his pace, and the only thing he’s thinking about is the fact he wants to be with Steve.

 

It’s not anything against Ben personally. It’s just that Steve is calming for Bucky, when he has episodes. He’s a reminder that there's not just bad in Bucky’s past. And he always just guesses what Bucky needs, if it's silence or to be distracted or to be hugged or to stand in the far corner and wait for it to pass. He knows how to deal with him better than Bucky does himself. Of course he’s the person Bucky wants to see when things go haywire.

 

His psychiatrist calls it dependent attachment. He calls it being best friends. Lets just say their opinions are wildly different on the matter, and that Bucky can get…heated, when she starts pushing the subject. He’s very persistent about it staying exactly like that and she's very persistent about him learning to function without Steve.

 

That's so stupid.

 

Of course he can function without Steve. It just sucks.

 

They do the 20min walk in almost half the time, and Ben looks like he wants to die, so Bucky apologizes when they reach the door, but he’s a little gruff, and he’s glancing towards the inside of the building, trying to see if he can spot a familiar blonde in the lobby, but there's no one he recognize except for the nice receptionist he keeps forgetting the name of and blames it on his brain injuries. 

 

“Do you…” Ben says, out of breath. “..want me…to… stay?” 

 

Bucky turns back to him, unsure. He wants to say no, but he also doesn’t want to be rude. He likes hanging out with Ben. He doesn’t want to scare him off,or to make him feel unappreciated, but what he just saw himself do was so horrible, so awfully disgusting that he doesn’t think he can keep hiding his self-loathing much longer. That's the thing about spending time with Ben. So many secrets, so many things to keep hidden. Bucky can’t do it, not today.

 

“I-” Bucky starts, not knowing how to explain and Ben shakes his head.

 

“Don’t worry about it. Just let me bring you up, alright?”

 

Bucky smiles.

“Alright then.” he agrees, because that sounds like a good compromise, but the sweet gestures only amplifies his guilt. They walk in, then into the elevator.

 

“Steve Roger’s floor, please” Ben asks Friday, probably because that's where he finds Bucky most days, and isn’t that a little weird? Why hasn’t he said anything? Bucky shakes his head, because he’s not really in any state to think about this stuff.

 

“Mr.Barnes, your friend has-” Fridays starts asking and Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“Friday, you don’t have to ask every time. Just give him access” Bucky says gruffly, and there's a second before the AI speaks again.

“Mr.Stark has just granted your friend access to all floors, as requested. He told me to pass the message ‘Boing’, whatever that means.”

“ Jesus Christ .” Bucky says while Ben starts laughing.

 

“I like him.”

“ Please don’t say that. Or at least don’t let him hear it.” Bucky says, but he shakes his head fondly.

The team hasn’t yet met Ben, because Bucky makes very sure of that, but it's not for their lack of trying. Bucky had to trap the vents at some point. 

 

The only one of them who hasn’t shown an ounce of interest in meeting Ben is Steve, unsurprisingly. He actually avoids the subject completely, which is a little unlike him, but Bucky doesn't talk about Sharon either, so. 

 

Maybe its just the way they are.

 

They reach the floor of Steve’s apartment, and Ben walks him to the door. He can probably sense Bucky’s not feeling touchy-feely, because he doesn’t try to hug him, just look at him a little worried. 

 

“Are you gonna be okay?”

 

“I’ll be fine. I just need to be alone a while.”

 

Ben glances at the door.

 

“Alone with Steve?”

 

Before Bucky can answer, the door opens. 

 

Of course it opens. For fuck’s sake.

 

“Buck? I thought I heard your- oh.” Steve says, frowning as he stands in the doorway. His eyes are trained on Ben. 

 

That’s not what Sundays are for. Bucky should've stayed in.

 

Ben smiles warmly, obviously excited by the new guest in the conversation.

 

“Oh my god, hi! I'm Ben. So nice to finally meet you. Jamie talks about you a lot." He says, extending a hand.

 

Steve squints, looking at Ben’s hand then at Bucky, raising a brow

 

“ Jamie ?”

 

“Yup. That’s me. Good ol’ Jamie.” Bucky says awkwardly, and Steve almost smiles, but his gaze finds Ben again and hardens as he shakes his hand.

 

“Steve. Rogers.” He says grumpily, and Bucky notes the way Steve doesn't reciprocate Ben’s ‘nice to meet you’. 

 

He sighs.

 

“I hope we’re not bothering you.” Ben says, although Bucky can see he’s a bit taken aback.” I was just bringing Jamie back because…uh…” Ben says, trailing off and looking at Bucky, obviously not wanting to share too much.

 

“I had a memory.” Bucky states bluntly because if there's one person he doesn't mind knowing, it's Steve. “A bad one.” He clarifies, but it gets a little stuck in his throat and it sounds pained.

 

Steve turns to him, worry obvious on his face, and Bucky can see he’s assessing him. He rolls his eyes.

 

“I’m fine, Steve.”

 

“What did you do?” Steve ignores him, turning back to Ben with anger, which confuses the hell out of Bucky, because Steve knows damn well anything can trigger his flashbacks.

 

“I- What?”

 

“He didn’t do anything, Steve. Take a breather. I was just playing piano and-”

 

“Wait, you started playing again? When?” Steve interrupts, turning to him again, and Bucky wishes he could just walk inside and stop talking and just lay down somewhere to forget he exists for a while.

 

But of course, life hates him, so he'll just have to endure his skin crawling a little longer.

 

“Today” Bucky answers, tone slipping into annoyance, hoping Steve’ll understand his cue to stop prodding.

 

“I showed him those new sing for hope pianos. There's one in midtown bus terminal about 20 minutes from here, if you wanna check it out.” Ben says, obviously trying to form a connection. 

 

“And you…agreed to go?” Steve asks Bucky, frowning.

 

“Well, I didn’t give him much of a choice. He wrote it on his list of things to do before dying.” Ben says, and Steve’s eyes assess Bucky again.

 

“Are you dying?”

 

“No.”

 

Steve squints again, but this time its more confused as he turns back to Ben.

 

“Not following.”

 

“Don’t you guys ever just do stuff for fun?” Ben asks, and Bucky wishes so bad he could escape this conversation.

 

Would they really notice if he slipped inside?

 

“We have fun,” Steve crosses his arms on his chest. “We have plenty of fun.”

 

Ben’s eyes goes from Steve to Bucky a little suspiciously.

 

“..fun?”

 

“Not that kind of fun.” Bucky groans, and then he forcefully push Steve back inside, walking in after him and twirling to send one last grin at Ben.

 

“Thank you, See you, I’ll text.” He says quickly as he feels Steve gaining his balance back behind him, obviously offended.

 

“Bye” Ben says, a half-amused, half-confused smile on his face as Bucky closes the door, turning to Steve with an unimpressed stare.

 

Steve stares back.

 

“..what?” He asks a bit sheepishly after a while and Bucky groans, but he walks angrily past Steve and into their, correction, Steve’s room, turning off the light as he goes in, to be in the dark.

 

He knows Steve’ll follow and sit with him, just close enough for him to reach if he needs to, in possibly a couple seconds. He knows it because if Steve knows Bucky better than he does himself, well Bucky knows Steve about just as much.

Notes:

“Es-tu venu pour arrêter les méchants? J’ai entendu mes parents crier. Je crois qu’on leur a fait du mal.” = "Did you come here to stop the bad guys? I heard my parents scream. I think somebody hurt them"

“C'est trop serré.” = "You're holding too tight"

Chapter 28

Notes:

Lmaoooo why am I so nervous about this one
You guys are NOT allowed to hate me
Anyways, have fun, sorry for the delayyyyy, Christmas time was crazy

Thanks to weird_Kayle for beta reading <3

Something’s wrong with Steve. 

 

…More wrong than usual. Like the weird kind of wrong, not the what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-dont-jump-out-of-airplanes-without-a-chute kind of wrong. 

 

Or maybe Bucky’s making it up, but he’s 99% certain that he isn't. He sat down to read, Alpine purring happily on his lap, about 2 hours ago. Since then, he has counted Steve walking in the living room 19 times. 12 of those nineteen times he just stood there for a few minutes. 3 other times, he rearranged furniture. The other 4 times, he sat down, stared at the TV, sighed loudly, got up and exited the room again. Not in that specific order, of course, but still, it's annoying. 

 

Bucky keeps telling himself there's absolutely no way Steve’s gonna reach 20, and yet. 

 

He hears him before he sees him, shuffling around the doorway like even he realizes how ridiculous he’s being right now. 

 

Bucky closes his book with a deep sigh.

 

“What?” He asks, and Steve seems caught for a second, but then he joins him inside like he’s been waiting for this all his life, so Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“What do you mean, what?”

 

“Don’t play that game right now. You know damn well what I’m talking about.”

 

Steve looks at him a little sheepishly, then drops beside him on the couch, Alpine leaving Bucky’s lap immediately to go to him instead, Steve petting her head half-mindedly while gesturing to the book in Bucky’s hands.

 

“Aren’t you bored?”

 

“No.”

 

“You’ve been at it for hours ”

 

“Well, Dumbledore just died, so…” Bucky trails off, putting the book on his lap now that his cat abandoned him .

 

“Who’s that?”

 

“Bad guy”

 

“The bad guy’s dead and the series isn't over?” Steve asks, frowning.

 

“He’s not a Red Skull kind of bad guy, he's more of a Pierce kind of bad guy. Like he had this whole ‘greater good’ thing going on, and he was always cryptic and stuff.” Bucky shrugs, trying to pretend that the comparison isn’t genuinely bothering him.

 

Anyways, he knows in both worlds they die. 

 

After using Harry as a weapon, but oh well. Maybe Bucky’s reading this wrong. Ben seems to genuinely like the old guy, says most people do. He guesses he’ll have to finish the books first, and judge after, although he doesn’t know how things can change much with the wizard being dead. 

 

Steve snaps him out of thoughts.

 

“Well, we should celebrate Dumb-something’s death, then. Wanna hang out?”

 

Bucky smiles at Steve’s barely hidden excuse to spend time with him, but he also isn't surprised.

 

Tony’s away for a business trip, Nat is on a recon mission with Clint, Sam is back in Washington for the week, Bruce is barely looking up from this drug-thing research he’s been doing, and Wanda has decided to visit New York, with Vision as her personal tourist guide. Oh, and Scott came to visit, but he’s a bit of a fanboy so it makes it awkward, and Rhodey and Pepper are as -if not more- busy than Tony. Nobody’s heard of Thor since he went on his little vengeance trip (and Bucky hasn’t heard of Loki since… too long. It's a bit worrying). 

 

It’s been mostly them, except when the kid decides to come over. Steve had grown antsy. 

 

So that's what was wrong with him. Got it. That's an easy fix.

 

“What do you wanna do?”

 

“You?”

 

Bucky’s eyebrows shoot up, and realization dawns on Steve’s face.

 

“Me?”

 

“I was- I meant what do you want to do.” Steve says, clearing his throat, face red.

 

“We really need to work on those flirting skills of yours, you know. Coming on a little strong, there” Bucky teases, just because he enjoys Steve’s face when it's all red like that. He wants to reach over to touch it.

 

He doesn’t.

 

 “I wasn’t saying…I mean, you have a boyfriend, so-” Steve babbles, and Bucky freezes.

 

“What do you mean I have a boyfriend?”

 

“...don’t you?”

 

“I don’t think I do??” Bucky asks, suddenly panicking a little.

 

“What, the guy you’ve gone out with a thousand times isn’t your boyfriend? Hasn’t it been over a month?”

 

Bucky stares at Steve and Steve stares back, obviously dumbfounded. A pace passes, then two. Bucky squints.

 

“...How do you know someone’s your boyfriend?”

 

“Jesus, Buck. And I’m the one who needs to work on my flirting skills?”

 

“Hey, the fact I’ve got a maybe-boyfriend is proof in itself that I don’t have flirting issues. It’s more of a…social norm one, I guess.”

 

“Right. Social norm” Steve says, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

 

“So, are you gonna answer the question, or?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or…anything actually.”

 

“What about Sharon?”

 

“Sharon wasn’t my girlfriend”

 

“ Wasn’t ? As in past tense?”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Bucky sighs. He knows he can give up entirely on getting back to reading, now. Steve looks a bit defensive and maybe even nervous, so he doesn’t know if he should push it or not. He reaches over to pet Alpine’s head, fingers grazing Steve’s at the same time. Just a slight touch, and yet Steve relaxes almost immediately. 

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

“It's complicated.” 

 

“When is anything not complicated?”

 

That manages to bring a smile to Steve's face, but it's a little sad. Bucky gets it. He’s tired, too.

 

“You can say that again.”

 

Bucky smiles back at him, but when the sadness doesn’t fade away from Steve’s face, he claps a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Alright then, pal. Let's get the blues out of that pretty head of yours.” He says, pulling himself up and offering Steve a hand. 

 

His best friend looks up at him, sorrow turning to amusement as he grabs it to follow.

 

“I don’t have the blues, just a little bored”

 

“You wanna argue on terms or you wanna come with me?”

 

“Depends. Where’re we going?” Steve asks, following him anyways as Bucky leads them out of the room, leaving behind a seemingly offended kitten.

 

“Gym.” Bucky says, opening the front door for Steve, who’s looking at him weird but heading out, not arguing it.

 

Bucky doesn’t bother explaining why they’re heading down until they reach the training room, and Steve starts heading towards the lockers. 

 

“Nope,” He says, stopping right at the blue mats. “Here’s our stop.”

 

Steve glances at the mat, confused, then down at himself.

 

“I’m wearing jeans.”

 

Bucky knows. He knows . He thinks Natasha bought those for Steve as a personal vendetta against him or something. They make it nearly impossible to focus on anything else. So mean.

 

He’ll have to put dye in her shampoo or something, like in those pranks videos Ned and Peter are obsessed with. 

 

Not the point.

 

“You’re getting too comfortable, Stevie. You used to fight with suspenders.” Bucky teases, cocking his head to the side. 

 

“Is that what we’re doing here? You wanna fight ?”

 

“You’re tense. And bored. You’re bound to do something stupid if I don’t distract you.”

 

“I’m not gonna do anything stupid.” Steve says, rolling his eyes, and Bucky scoffs.

 

“Last time you said that to me, you enlisted in the military as a science experiment.” Bucky says, crossing his arms on his chest. “Come on, Steve. I don’t know if I’m remembering wrong, but I’m pretty sure fighting used to help, right? When you got all…like that.” 

 

Steve hesitates a few seconds, eyes focusing on the mat before going back to Bucky hesitantly.

 

“I don’t wanna fight you. ”

 

Bucky tenses, images of their fight on the helicarrier flashing in his mind, Steve’s voice echoing, but he shakes his head. That was different. That wasn’t him.

 

“Won’t be a real fight.”

 

“Still.”

 

“Rogers,” Bucky says, taking a step forward and pushing Steve back just a little, forcing him to step back onto the mats. “Stop treating me like I’m gonna break, or turn into dust or something.”

 

“I’m just not in the mood.” Steve says, trying to side step Bucky, who stops him, raising his arm.

 

“What are you in the mood for, then? Going back upstairs to move the furniture around the living room like a bored grandma and brood about Sharon leaving you?”

 

“Buck.” Steve says in a warning tone and Bucky pushes him back again. 

 

“Steve.”

 

“You really wanna do this?” Steve asks, frustration seeping into his tone, muscles tense, and Bucky nods, although it's not exactly true.

 

He doesn’t not wanna fight, if that makes sense. He’s been here a few times since he last sparred with Nat, mostly just with her, since he already knows she can take it, but once or twice with Clint too, and another time with Scott because he just kinda happened to be training and Bucky was curious about the suit. That one was fun, not going to lie. Really put him to work, although he won anyways. He’s been told Thor would probably be an adversary that’s nearly impossible to win against, but like previously mentioned, that isn't an option as of now, so. Anyways, he doesn’t mind fighting as much as he did back when he first got here. He’s trying to stop feeling like his body is a weapon to be careful about, he’s almost completely rid himself of the guilt he felt about practicing, because it helps so much with the anger that he seriously thinks he’s actually less dangerous after a session.

 

But he wasn’t exactly planning on doing this today, or felt angry enough to want to punch someone. No, he’s not here for himself right now. He’s here for Steve.

 

And he knows exactly which buttons to push for Steve’s walls of righteousness and nobility to falter, just enough to squeeze his way in and let some of that tension off of Steve’s shoulder. Punching bags could work, Bucky’s sure they do sometimes, but he also knows how Steve gets into his head. He needs someone to keep him focused right now. 

 

And Bucky’s right there. 

 

He takes a step closer to Steve, almost nose to nose.

 

“Oh, I wanna do this, Rogers.”

 

Steve’s gaze leaves his eyes to stare at his mouth and for a perfect, terrifying second, Bucky thinks Steve is gonna kiss him. His breath hitches, and time slows down around them.

 

He does not see the punch coming.

 

Minor setback.

 

They get to fighting, and they’re pretty toe to toe, although Bucky’s surprised at how Steve’s anger seems to have increased tenfold, and is now a focused stream directed right at him . I mean, Bucky didn’t even know Steve was angry at all.

 

Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned Sharon. But he did have to get Steve fighting somehow . And it worked.

 

A bit too well.

 

He mostly deflates Steve’s hits at first, needing to put all his attention on dodging and making sure not to use his metal arm, but they soon find a rhythm that's sustainable, and Bucky’s able to get in a few hits of his own, pushing Steve to keep going while he tries to figure out how long he held this in.

 

He’s practically radiating anger, maybe even resentment. There's something in the air that's bitter, painful, and Bucky wonders how he could miss it. How long has Steve been needing this, how long was he letting this build up inside of himself?

 

Bucky knows Steve is good at hiding his distress, probably better than anyone he knows, but he’s also his best friend . They see each other every day, sleep in the same bed for fuck’s sake. And yet he saw nothing.

 

Truth be told, he’s been kind of busy. 

 

With Ben.

 

He has let Steve alone most days to go on their little field trips. Not that he thought Steve would mind, he usually hangs out with the rest of The Avengers, but doubt creeps its way onto Bucky’s skull, as well as guilt. Maybe that's part of why Steve’s angry. Maybe he’s feeling…neglected or something. Shit, Bucky really has no idea how human beings work anymore. It sucks. 

 

Well, he guesses he at least owes Steve to let himself get a good beating for this. He’s sure if he fights slightly less hard, Steve wont notice.

 

Except he does, stepping away, chest heaving with the effort. Bucky wonders how long they’ve been doing this, for Steve to be affected like that. It can’t have been that long. Bucky’s seen that guy run miles without being that out of breath. 

 

Maybe it has to do with the emotions on his face, the exhaustion written on every single one of his features.

 

The pain. 

 

This wasn’t anger that Steve directed at him. It was a plea, a message. A desperate attempt for his body to speak without his mouth having to, to tell him something that he already knows, but pretend he doesn’t.

 

“What?” Steve asks, tongue running on his bottom lip. “Tired already, Barnes?”

 

“I’m sorry.” Bucky blurts out. 

 

He is. He is so sorry that most days it keeps him awake at night, listening to Steve’s breathing. He is sorry that Steve loved him, and lost him, and loves him still. He is sorry that the same thing happened to him. Sorry he fell off the train, sorry he got turned into something he was never meant to be, sorry that he let himself be so broken that he would never be good enough for Steve again, never be able to give him what he truly deserves, who he truly deserves. 

 

Bucky is sorry he won’t let Steve love him. Not when it means he’d be forever stuck with the pieces of someone who used to be a man, trying not to cut himself on them. 

 

Steve deserves better, he deserves someone soft but strong, to snap him out of it when he’s being reckless but can still hold him when he needs it. Someone kind, that doesn’t know the feeling of being covered in blood that's not theirs, that doesn’t know what it looks like when another human’s life leaves their eyes because of them. He deserves the sun, the moon, and all the stars too, shit, the whole galaxy. He deserves to spend every day of his life laughing, surrounded by a love that doesn’t hurt. 

 

And there's too many ghosts between the two of them for that to be possible.

 

Bucky is so sorry life has ruined them over and over again until they were too tired to lift themselves up and reach out again. 

 

Perhaps fear is stronger than love sometimes. 

 

Although it was out of nowhere, Steve doesn’t seem surprised with the apology. He only lets out a deep breath, rubbing his face with his hands before looking back up at Bucky, still frozen a few feets in front of him. Bucky barely said anything, just blurted out that he was sorry with no explanation, and yet Steve doesn’t ask. Like he doesn’t need to. Like he already knows.

 

“Yeah, Buck. So am I.” He says tiredly, and then he heads out of the gym without another word. 

 

Steve walks away and Bucky hates himself for it. 

 

It's sick and it's horrible and it's destiny. And Bucky was never strong enough to fight against stupid fucking destiny. 

Notes:

GUYS I KNOW IT DOESNT SHOW BUT WE'RE SO INFINITELY CLOSER THAN WE WERE....28 CHAPTERS AGO
FNKJSDNBKSDBNVJKNSDVFNLKSD
Lookkkkk he's growinngggggg okay
Before screaming at me, please consider how long those two idiot canonically longed for each other (Bucky was actually still longing last we saw him in TFATWS but thats beside the point)
Love yallllllll

Chapter 29

Notes:

HEYYYY HERE I AM
Sorry for the delay on this one. I literally started writing and erasing this chapter maybe three or four time before I decided what I was really doing with it. The beggining is a little wink the TFATWS although the timing's off, just thought it'd be nice.

Hope you guys enjoyyyyy

“James, I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?” 

 

Bucky huffs.

 

“No.”

 

Of course he has nightmares. He has had only nightmares since he came back to his own apartment. 

 

He’d forgotten how truly terrible they were, how painfully real they felt. The way the images grappled onto his brain and confused him, mixing things up until he didn't know what was real or not anymore. 

 

It didn’t help that he is so cold . 

 

Friday said the temperature in his apartment was already abnormally high, and he always sleeps with a sweater on, under the covers (the floor is definitely too cold to sleep on in the winter, he found out), and yet he always shivers at night, in his empty bed. 

 

He misses Steve, misses the way he was warm enough to be a furnace, misses the way they’d whisper to each other until one of them inevitably fell asleep, like they were still just boys. 

 

Misses the way his laugh, even quiet in the dark bedroom, used to warm him from the inside out. 

 

But he can’t go back. It’s been a few days since their ‘fight’, if you can even call it that, and he only went back to Steve’s to get Alpine (who is not happy with him at the moment), and they barely looked at each other, let alone talked since that day.

At least Nat came back from hers and Clint’s mission, so Steve has someone to hang out with now. And Clint went home to his family after, so the two of them really have no one else to spend time with. They’ve been clinging onto each other like two lonely housewives or something.

 

Bucky isn't jealous. He has no right to be. He has no rights to yearn.

 

“We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you’re lying. Well, you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?” His therapist voice snaps him out of thoughts

 

“..no”

 

“You’re a civilian now. With your history, the government needs to know that you’re not gonna…” She makes some gestures to express what she means and Bucky almost just gets up and leave. This is so stupid. “It's a condition of your pardon.” She keeps going, and Bucky stays silent, unmoving. “So, tell me about your most recent nightmare”

 

He swallows. He remembers it, like he always does. He’s fairly certain that one was a memory, burned into his brain. The man was innocent. A witness. Those are always the one that hurts the most. 

 

Killing assholes? Well, it's bad but at least its something to hold onto when self hate seeps into his bones like ice. But innocents? People who begged for their lives, that were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time? Those haunt him, days and nights.

He thinks of the list he made with Ben. Make amends was written on it.

 

He doesn’t know where to start.

 

So he lies.

 

“I didn’t have a nightmare” 

 

His therapist lets out a deep sigh, looking unimpressed before she pulls out a pen, gazing down at her notebook, and Bucky reacts immediately.

 

“Oh come on- really? You’re gonna do the notebook thing? It’s passive aggressive…”

“You don’t talk, I write”

“Okay, okay! Fine. I…” Bucky hesitates. 

 

He could talk about his fight with Steve, but that's bound to make his therapist start going on and on about codependency again. No, he has to find something else. 

 

“I think I might have a boyfriend. Possibly, not really sure. What I mean is I’ve been dating someone. ” He says, and that gets a reaction out of her.

 

She lifts her head up, eyebrow cocked, obviously surprised.

 

“ Boy friend?”

Bucky squints, crossing his arms on his chest

“Is that a problem?”

And then she does something he’s fairly certain she’s never done before: she smiles.

 

“No. It makes a lot of sense, actually.”

Bucky stares at her, dumbfounded. 

 

“It makes sense ?”

“Well, yes. I understand better your relationship with Steven now and the reason you’re so defensive over him” She explains, taking down a few notes but Bucky’s too confused to mention it

 

“What’s Steve got to do with this?”

Dr.Raynor looks up, and for a moment Bucky sees his own confusion reflected in her face, like he has managed to catch her off for the first time since they’ve started their sessions.

 

“He’s the one you’re talking about, isn’t he?”

Bucky’s hands clutch beside him, anger flaring up his chest. 

 

He’s not dating Steve. He’s so tired of people implying it, mentioning it, pointing it out and turning the knife in the wound like he doesn’t know , like he doesn’t feel the lack of Steve, like he doesn’t spend days and night wanting and wanting and wanting .

It’s all too familiar to the person he used to be, too tortuous for him to ever be able to ignore it, and yet everyone seems to feel the need to point at the bruise, to press on it like they want to see him scream, like they wanna see him break.

Been there, done that. Wanting Steve has and will always be his greatest weakness, the one selfish thought constantly in his brain, although he hasn’t- wont let it out, won’t allow himself to ruin Steve’s life further. That's how Hydra got him then, and he’s not about to let that stupid therapist probe his pain. He closes off entirely, eyes locking on hers almost like a warning, and he knows how threatening he must look right now. His therapist is usually unbothered facing his moods, but even she backs up a little in her seat at the coldness suddenly emanating from him.

 

Like winter air.

 

“No.” He says, voice gruff and firm, not bothering to explain any further.

 

She holds his eye contact, and he can see her trying to assess what just happened, trying to read him. He wants to laugh in her face, throw something, break down, fade away. He wants to do a lot of things. He’s pretty tired of wanting, really. 

 

Then the timer dings on her desk, its the first time she seems relieved as he gets up and walks out without another word. That can’t be good for his record, surely.

 

He doesn’t give a fuck. 

 

His phone buzzes in his pocket as he escapes the building, for once not minding the cold of the outside air. But then again, who wouldn’t be grateful for a little cold after a visit to Lucifer? He reaches for it, a little surprised. Ben’s working at this hour, Clint doesn’t usually text him when he’s with his family and Steve..well, Bucky doesn’t think he’d reach out right now unless there was an emergency. Which he hopes there isn’t.

 

When the screen lights up, it’s Peter’s name. Unusual, but the kid is excellent at clearing Bucky’s moods, and just seeing his name on the screen makes his lips tug up a little, like magic.

He clicks on the message

 

[I’m so bored]

 

[Ok?]

 

[No I mean like I’M SO BOREDDDD]

[??]

[You’re very bad at catching social clues you know]

[Yes]

[:l]
[Mr.Stark isn’t here and I’m not allowed to go in the lab without him, and Steve and Nat are shooting so apparently its ‘too dangerous’ smh]

 

[Why aren’t you at school]

 

[I’m allowed today]

 

[Why?]

 

[Doesn’t matter]

[I need you to save me from this boredommmm]
[Isnt that what superheroes are for]

[Not a superhero but I’ll be your stopgap if you say please]

[PLEASEEEEEE]

[lmao]
[Meet me at John V. Lindsay East River Park]

[DID YOU JUST SAY LMAO]

[WHAT]

Bucky doesn’t bother answering, sliding his phone back into his pockets with a smile. He’s started to pick those up from Shuri, Clint and Ben, and they’re almost natural now, but it does get some weird reactions out of people that don’t text him often. Tony had actually called him in a panic last time they talked because he had answered ‘idk’ and Stark thought he’d been kidnapped.

Very dramatic, and not surprising in the least coming from Tony. Bucky’s starting to miss him a little, and he can tell that the kid does too, although he hides it behind boredom.

 

Bucky’s been meaning to spend some time with him, especially now that Tony isn’t around for a bit. Perfect opportunity, because the two are usually together, and Tony’s weirdly protective of the teenager. They make a pretty terrifying duo of brains, sarcasm and hyperactivity, so Bucky steers clear most of the time, especially since he doesn’t want Tony to feel threatened, but he’s also very set on his ‘let the kid be a kid’ mission.

Been going not too bad so far, he’s bought him out of practice with some snacks three times, twice being forced to listen to him geek out about some game of thrones thing and another time being dragged to the lego table, which happened to be not that bad, but he’s noticed something.

 

The kid has energy. Loads of it. Wayyyy too much of it. And sitting down for 3hours in a row at the table to squint at little pieces of plastic or in front of the tv to watch some shows or play some video games is not helping.

So, Bucky jogs his way into the first store he sees with potential, coming out of it with a small bag he thinks might be the solution to his issues. 

 

When he gets to the park, Peter is already there, crouching in front of a happy puppy with a pinched up grandma holding the leash tight in her fist as if she thinks the sweet teenager is about to take off with her dog. Bucky w ould probably say its ridiculous, but with the way Peter’s petting and kissing the little dog’s face, it wouldn’t even surprise him either. 

 

He whistles, managing to attract all three of their attention, and the lady tightens up even more, while Peter lifts himself up with a big grin, puppy wagging his tail excitedly when he notices his new friend’s reaction.

“Mr.Bucky!” Peter shouts, waving at him exaggeratedly as if Bucky hadn’t been the one to stop him first. “Look at that dog! Name’s Puncho. Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever heard?” Peter asks, but he’s looking down at the dog again, and he’s talking in a baby voice, which makes Bucky wonder for a minute if the question really was addressed to him.

 

Puncho is probably the stupidest name he’s ever heard, but he’s not going to say that, so he tries and find something else to say, the look looking at him like its expecting pets, so Bucky slowly reaches down to stroke his head.

 

“Puncho? Cause it's a boxer?” 

 

Peter looks at him like he just said he found a cure for cancer, then back at the woman.

“Puncho like punch-o? Oh my goddddd, this is so smart, how did you think of it?”

Smart isn't the world Bucky would use, but okay. The lady seems annoyed a little, clearly thinking about how to escape this conversation, and Bucky decides to focus on the dog, before he starts being mean to her.

 

“I didn’t. It’s my grandbabies’. She’s over there” The lady gestures to the playground, where two little girls are playing, giggling as they go down a slide, and her face softens immediately when one of the girls gives them a little wave. 

 

She waves back, a smile taking over her face, and it's enough for Bucky to remember not everything is black or white. Maybe he judged her too harshly. 

 

“Well, they’re very clever” Bucky addresses her, smiling politely and ruffling Peter’s hair.

 

“They amaze me everyday.” The lady agrees, voice warmer, before her eyes focus on them again, letting out a little chuckle. “But thats what every grandma feels. I’m sure your mother feels the same way about yours” She says, eyes flicking over to Peter, and Bucky freezes for a second, wondering how he’s gonna explain to that woman that he’s not related to Peter at all, and he’s just in a park with a random kid because , but Peter speaks before he has a chance to.

 

“Oh you should hear her, she never stops bragging.”

…what?

The lady smiles, and then one of the two girls shout and she rushes over, effectively ending the conversation, the puppy trailing along.

Bucky turns to Peter, eyebrow cocked, and the kid shrugs.

“You get used to it. I look like a lot of people apparently, because I’ve been called half of the Avenger’s kid by now, plus May, and we’re not even blood related, so…I just play along, most times. It’s annoying to explain every time” He says, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking into the distance for half a second, just long enough for Bucky to see a flash of pain in his face.

 

He’s never stopped to really wonder what happened to Peter’s parents, or why he was living with his aunt. Never even thought to ask. How painful it must be to be called everybody’s kids, but not having anyone to call your parents. Bucky wonders if maybe that's why Peter is so fiercely attached to the Avengers, if that's why he clings so close to Tony, like he’s afraid they might escape his tight grip. 

 

Bucky knows what it feels like to be alone, truly alone. He promises to himself the kid will never have to live it, not as long as he’s alive. He wraps his arm around Peter’s shoulder, pulling him into a side hug with a grin, not letting any of this show. 

 

“Alright then, considered yourself adopted for the day” 

 

If Peter is surprised by the sudden display of affection, his face shows nothing but pure bliss, and he snorts.

“Only for the day?”

 

“Gotta start with the free trial before committing long term”

 

That gets another laugh out of Peter, and Bucky smiles, taking his arm off Peter’s shoulder to reach into the bag, shoving a windbreaker jacket, a hat and some light gloves. Peter looks down at it, confused, then back at Bucky.

 

“What’s this?”

 

“Clothes” Bucky says, very pointedly looking at Peter’s hoodie. “It’s November. You always come to the tower dressed like its still summer”

“I can’t really get sick”

 

“Doesn’t mean you have to be cold.” Bucky says, then he points to the bag, still in his hands. “We’ll be out a while”

 

Peter looks down at his hands, then at Bucky, then at his hands, and for a second Bucky wonders if he hates the clothes or something, or if it was a weird gesture like that time he brought breakfast to Tony, but the kid’s face breaks into a big smile, and he slips all of it on. He gasps when he gets to the gloves, saying they’re the softest thing he’s ever felt (which is impossible considering Bucky’s pretty certain they’re just basic coton, but he’s not about to tell the kid that and ruin his mood, so he plays along), then he glances down at the bag, buzzing with excitation.

 

“So, what are we doing here?”

 

Bucky cocks his head towards the football field, which is currently not being used, lucky for them, then he starts walking towards it, a curious Peter in tow.

 

“We’re gonna play”

 

“Play what? Football?”

 

Bucky looks over flatly,

 

“No, Jenga”

 

“Ha, ha, ha, very funny.”

 

“You’re the one asking stupid questions.” Bucky says as they reach the field, pulling out the ball  and shoving the empty bag in his pockets. 

 

Peter looks at him worriedly, and a little ashamed.

 

“I have no idea how to play”

 

“Well, it doesn’t matter, because we’re just gonna do some throws. We’re definitely not enough people to actually  play, you know that, right?”

 

“...of course I know that” Peter says, clearing his throat and Bucky chuckles.

 

“Alright. Theres some people around the park, so we’re not gonna overdo it, but I want you to at least run a little, so don’t go too far and I’ll try and throw it farther than you. See if you can catch it”

 

“Like a training?”

 

“Not like a training. Like a game.”

 

“I don’t know, it kind of sounds like a training to me” Peter counters with a big grin on his face, and Bucky looks at him, unimpressed. 

 

“Its not”

 

“Sure”

 

“Not everything is about Spiderman, kiddo. Some things are about Peter, too” Bucky sighs, and that seems to catch the teenager off guard. 

 

He stares for a seconds, swallows, and then nods before jogging away, not too far from Bucky. As far as a regular kid would probably go. Bucky wishes he could find a way to challenge the kid more, knowing it's going to be nearly impossible to get rid of all that pent-up energy without using at least a little of his abilities, but they’re also in public, and can’t risk outing him. It sucks, but it’ll have to do. 

 

They do this for a while, Peter going on and on about some high school drama that makes Bucky wonder how he survived it himself back in the day, but it becomes harder and harder as he throws the ball further and further, trying to challenge Peter a bit. 

 

At some point, when Peter is pretty far away, he decides to throw the ball as high and close as possible, forcing the kid to rush over to snatch it before it reaches the ground, nearly tripping over his feet, and Bucky grins when Peter glares at him. 

 

“That was cheating!”

 

“No it wasn’t.” He answers, holding out his palm for the kid to give the ball back, but then challenge flashes on Peter’s face and Bucky snorts. “Kid, you don’t wanna do this. Just hand it over”

 

“I don’t think I will” Peter says, eyes twinkling and Bucky barely has time to react before the teenager bolts away full speed.

 

Bucky curses under his breath before taking after him. The kid is fast, but so is he, and Peter is so predictable it's almost laughable, except that he can sense every time Bucky finally reaches to grab him, dodging at the last second. It takes at least 15 minutes of running around the field before Bucky can tackle the kid into the ground and steal the ball back, rolling over and holding it up triumphally while Peter nearly wheezes with laughter on the ground beside him. 

 

Like a kid being a kid. It makes the smile on Bucky’s face double in size. It’s never gonna wash the blood from his hands, but it makes him feel that much less rotten. 

 

They take a second to catch their breath, laying down on the chilly field ground, and then Peter reaches into his coat to grab his phone, taking a selfie of them. Bucky barely feels the fear of being discovered this time. He’s been getting better at that. 

 

Just as the kid is about to slip the phone back in his pocket, it buzzes with a text, and Peter looks at it, smiles, then slips the phone back in his pockets, cheeks a little red. 

 

“Was that your girlfriend?” Bucky teases, and Peter turns to him, face getting even more red.

 

“No- I- it wasn’t. I don’t have one”

 

“Uh uh”

 

“I swear! It’s just…how do you know when…you know…you’re like-..you know.”

 

“Uhm, sorry to disappoint, but I really don’t”

 

Peter rolls his eyes with a sigh, then scrunch up his face.

 

“In love. How do you know you’re in love?”

 

Oh no.

 

The kid really has chosen the worst person ever to ask this question. Bucky has no idea what to answer. He’s the worst at the love thing. 

 

“That’s…hard to explain” He tries and Peter groans, turning his head to look at the sky again, obviously frustrated.

 

“Not helpful”

 

“Why do you think you’re in love with this person?”

 

“I just- She’s so smart, and funny and beautiful, and I just want to be with her all the time, not even really to do anything just…to have her near. To keep her safe. And it's like everytime she smiles or she laughs the world is just a little brighter, you know?”

 

Yes. Yes he does. He swallows, turning his head to look at the sky, too.

 

“Sure sounds like you love her, buddy”

 

Peter stays silent for a moment, and they both just breathe the sky in, lost in their own thoughts. When he speaks again, it's serious, more than Bucky has ever heard it.

 

“What do I do?”

 

“You tell her” Bucky answers without a hint of hesitation

 

“But what if she doesn’t feel the same?”

 

“Believe me Peter, you don’t wanna wait until it's too late.” Bucky says, turning to look at the kid again, who does the same. He ponders for a second, then he nods. 

 

“Thank you”

 

Bucky gives him a small smile he hopes isn’t too bad, then he lifts himself up to offer him a hand that Peter takes, grateful. 

 

“You should head home, plan your grand confession. It’s almost dinnertime. I’ll call you a cab”

 

“Okay” Peter say, handing the ball back to Bucky as they head out of the field, but Bucky shakes his head.

 

“It’s for you”

 

Peter smiles, holding the football close, and when they get to the cab, he turns to Bucky hesitantly.

 

“Can we do this again sometimes? It was fun. Not training”

 

Bucky ruffles the kid’s hair, weight on his chest since their last conversation lightning ever so slightly.

 

“Of course kiddo. Whenever”

 

Peter grins, hopping in the cab and Bucky waits until it disappears from view to head his own way towards the Tower. 

 

As he’s almost there, a big clap of thunder startles him, and he looks up, frowning. It’s not even raining. 

 

Oh. 

 

He walks a little faster, but he doesn’t really need to, because maybe two minutes later, a long haired figure starts walking beside him.

 

“Brother’s back?” Bucky asks, not bothering saying hello, and Loki glances at him, somewhat cold.

 

“Yes”

 

“Told you so”

 

“Shut up”

 

Bucky smiles.

 

“Why aren’t you at the Tower with him?”

 

“He’s been back in Asgard for a few hours already before he decided we should come here,  long enough to remind me I don’t really like him that much. And everyone in that Tower annoys me”

 

“And I don’t?”

 

“You annoy me less ”

 

Bucky chuckles

 

“I take it as a compliment”

 

“It really wasn’t, but suit yourself”

 

“Aw, you totally missed me” 

 

“Like a thorn on my side” Loki says, rolling his eyes, and Bucky scoffs, but he’s still happy to see his friend. Its been too long.

 

They walk a little bit in silence, and Bucky isn’t sure how to break that tension between them, that awkwardness that built up, each of them avoiding the subject of their fights. 

 

“If you wanna stall, I know a good spot where we can watch a bunch of people slip on ice and fall” He says, trying at an olive branch.

 

“That sounds delightful, but my brother is very eager to tell you of his adventures”

 

“...me? Why me ?”

 

“Well you’re the one that told him about Thanos” Loki snaps, and Bucky winces at the reminder, but he picks up the pace. 

 

He hasn’t seen Thor that often, not enough to say he knows him, or missed him, but Bucky’s glad his slip-up that night didn’t make him end up dead somewhere. He doesn’t think he could’ve forgiven himself. 

 

It’s only when the Tower’s back into view that he realizees that Thor will probably want to tell everyone at the Tower all at once, and that it means Steve and him will be in a forced proximity for however long the God story is. At least he’s assuming he’s not gonna have to talk much, but still.

 

He’s not really good at ignoring Natalia’s glare. Its almost as unsettling as his, he’s pretty sure. 

 

Oh well. 

 

Not like he has much of a choice anyways.

Notes:

Puncho's the name of my bestie's dog btw, and yes its a boxer, and no she didnt do it on purpose but I had to anyways

Also Bucky finding spots to watch people slip on ice is canon I'm afraid. I just know he would.

Chapter 30

Nobody’s in the living room. Or the dining room, or the gym, the lab, the kitchen. 

 

Bucky pretends he’s confused, but he knows exactly where they are. The same place Steve and Nat have been mostly hanging out in since she got back. 

 

Steve’s goddamn apartment. 

 

Why? That's a mystery to Bucky. I mean, its not like Bucky would have gone and bothered them if they went into the shared spaces, and sure Steve’s place is big, but what is there to do up there that they spend days doing? What are they talking about??

 

It doesn’t matter. The fact is that Bucky has to go there now, and it sucks, because he’s been barely managing not to do exactly that for days. Life has a way to go around and force him to do stuff he shouldn’t be doing.

At least the door is wide open when they get on Steve’s floor, because that saves him the awkward moment of deciding between knocking or not, and when he walks in theres a bunch of people there, not just Steve, Nat and Thor, so that also helps.

 

He’s surprised to see Bruce and Pepper, considering they’d been pretty much buried under work for weeks, but it's a pleasant surprise, and a somewhat efficient distraction from Steve’s gaze burning into him from across the room.

He gives them a small wave as he slips his coat off, something he can never do in his own place. He doesn’t know why the only place that feels cold in the Tower is his own, and its infuriating. Shuri says it might have something to do with the fact he associates his place like ‘home base’, something that meant cold for over 70years for him, and he just agreed, because he didn’t know how to tell her his own apartment doesn’t feel like home base, or home anything really.

He knows what (who) feels like home, and there's nothing cold about it. Nothing cold about him at all.

 

Steve is the sun, and Bucky’s the earth. He knows that he turns into the winter when Steve is gone. He knows he’d catch on fire if he allowed himself to get too close.

So, he tries really really hard not to look back.

 

He tries so hard .

But he wouldn’t be Bucky Barnes if he didn’t look back.

Except he’s too late. Steve’s already looking away, down at Nat, her hands on his arm, like she’s trying to stop him from moving forward, looking at him intensely.

 

And then Bucky’s mind is filled with things they might’ve been doing up here for days.

“Bucky! I see my brother has found you!” Thor calls upon him, and Bucky’s eyes snaps towards him, almost desperate to look at anything else but those two.

 

“He sure did” He says,and his voice is a little hoarse. Its pitiful. He fucking hates himself for it, all of it. 

 

“Don’t say this like I’m a dog playing go fetch” Loki grumbles, crossing his arms on his chest and that manages to sneak a small smile on Bucky’s face. He’d forgotten how the brothers were together. 

 

It reminds him of Becca.

“I did not even ask this of you, brother. You went of your own volition! I wouldve found Bucky myself had you not offered to” Thor frowns and Loki huffs.

“Yes, certainly. And how long would that have taken? If you would be well served, serve yourself”

“What Loki is trying to say is that he missed me and couldn’t have gone another minute without being around-”

“You annoy me to no end. The both of you. I am never doing anything for either of you ever again” Loki says, swirling around and walking out of the room. Bucky chuckles, but he turns his attention back to Thor, who looks equally amused.

 

“Anyhow, I am overjoyed to see your face again, friend. I was excited to tell you of my adventure, as you are a great warrior, and that I would not have gone on this one without your insight.”

“That was accidental. Like, I really didn't think you were gonna go after that guy”

“Well, we are lucky I did” Thor says, looking around the room at the others, who all suddenly pay closer attention. “It just so happen that Thanos had a plan to collect the infinity stones”

There's a beat, then another. It’s obvious everyone is waiting for more information, and that Thor is waiting for a reaction.

“The whats?” Bucky asks, since nobody else is.

“The infinity stones” Wanda says, gesturing to Vision. “Like in his head”

“Vision has a stone in his head?” Bucky frowns, and everybody nods like this is common knowledge.

“Infinity stones are already very powerful on their own.” Thor starts explaining. “Like the one in Vision’s head, it grants him the ability to move, and think. It is powerful enough to allow him life and power. It is the mind stone. There’s five of them scattered around the universe, the Mind stone, the Soul stone, the Time stone, the Reality stone, the Space Stone and the Power stone. Thanos’ plan was to find them all, and to use them to wipe half of the universe.”

“What do you mean wipe half of the universe?” Bruce asks, a frown deepening on his face.

“I mean wipe” Thor looks at him, and for a second, silence hangs in the air. Even he seems disturbed as he snaps his finger. “Just like that”

“The stones could do that ?” Steve asks, and Thor nods.

“They could. Together, there is little they couldn’t do, really.”

“And that Thanos guy, he wants to use them to wipe half the universe? Why ?” Bucky hears himself asking, frown deep on his face.

 

“Ressources.” Loki’s voice sounds, and when Bucky turns his head, he’s leaning in the doorframe. Well, that didn’t take too long. “He thought halving a population’s number would mean more resources from everyone still in it. His logic was flawed, but he wasn't wrong .”

“Well at least you’re speaking in past time” Nat joins in, now leaning back on the wall beside Steve, arms crossed on her chest. “Guy’s dead?”

 

“Of course” Thor says, puffing his chest a little and Bucky can almost hear Loki’s eye roll. 

 

“How did you manage that?” Bruce asks

 

“Well, he hadn’t manage to get all of the stones yet. With them, he wouldve been nearly indestructible. And Thanos was a titan that terrorized the universe for a long time, so I had to be smart about this.”

 

“Can you spell that?” Loki asks, and Thor turns to him, eyebrow raised

“What?”

“Smart. Can you spell it?”

“Of course I can spell smart .”

“Okay, do it then”

“I’m in the middle of telling the greatest tale of all time”

“That's what I thought”

“ I can spell smart! ”

“Prove it”

“Fine! S..M-”

Wanda claps her hand, the sudden sounds attracting all the attention back to her.

 

“Can we focus please? I’d like to know if we have to worry about the whole universe being wiped”

“You don’t.” Loki waves. “My brother, by some sort of miracle, was able to effectively end him. And hide the stones.”

 

“How did you manage to kill a titan? I mean, not that I know much about them, but from what I do know, that…”

“Isn’t easy. Is quite the feat, actually. But I fought with all my might, for my brother’s honor” Thor finishes Bruce’s sentence, raising Mjolnir and pointing it toward Loki, a wide grin spreading on his face and a twinkle of satisfaction in his eyes as he speaks again. “Not easy to play inside people’s head when you don’t have one yourself”

“Went for the head, huh?” Bucky asks. “That's always good”

“I don’t know, I’m more of a heart girl myself” Nat chimes in and Bucky cocks his head to look at her.

 

“More risky.”

“Some of us aren’t cowards”

“Anyhow, I attacked his head because of the meaning. Thanos haven't touched my brother’s heart. It is good all the same as before”

“Ew” Loki says and Bucky snorts, ignoring the sting of Natasha’s previous comment.

“What about the rest of the stones? How many had he managed to take?” Vision asks

“When I stopped him, he only had two. The Power Stone and Reality stone. I know of one in the Tesseract, and in your head. I found the Time one to be with a wizard, here on earth, that I believe will keep it safe. As for the Soul stone, that remains a mystery to me, but do not worry, friend. The ones I found in his possessions are hidden safely, in a location only known by myself. I shall look upon them from now on, and protect the others from getting into the hands of the wrong kind of people.”

“Can’t we destroy them?” Bucky asks, and Thor shakes his head

“Theres a balance in the universe that we must keep. Destroying the stones would be… a very bad decision. Without even pointing out the fact that would mean Vision would be no more”

“Yeah, I mean- I wasn’t suggesting we kill Vision” Bucky says, a little embarrassed. “It was more of a rhetorical question”

 

“You’re fine, Bucky. If the universe hung in the balance, I would gladly sacrifice myself” Vision says, and Bucky can’t help but notice how his eyes keep sliding back to Wanda, as if she was who he was thinking of, as if this one person was his whole universe.

 

Bucky can relate. He would sacrifice his life for his ‘universe’, too. He did before.

“Well that's not happening.” The girl says, crossing her arms on her chest. “Nothing’s hanging in any balance right now. So, its pointless to talk about.”

“Wanda’s right,” Steve says. “For now, I trust Thor to keep the stones safe. This is a non-issue, there's no point worrying about it”

 

Steve is naive. He always was. He wants to believe people can be good.

Bucky knows better. He’s willing to bet those stones will come back to haunt them. There used to be a time he would say this straight to Steve’s face, and call it dumb wishful thinking, and then they would argue around a table filled with maps and plans, pretending they weren’t hearing the annoyed sighs of everyone else in the room while they were figuring out a compromise that would not get anyone killed.

And then Bucky would wait for Steve to sneak into his tent at night to apologize, and Bucky would want to kiss his stupid face until all that stupid tension would leave his stupid shoulders (he never did). They just sat and talked and laughed all night until the exhaustion was too much for him to bear, and he’d always wake up on his cot, covered by a blanket and wonder how Steve managed to get him there without startling him awake.

But Bucky’s not that person anymore. He knows better than to point at the bad and call it out for what it is. He has learned to keep his mouth shut, and deal with whatever happens. Talking it out is tiring, and at the end of the day, there's no way to stop the things that are simply meant to happen, to swim against the current.

His eyes meet Steve’s gaze, fixated on him again like he can hear his thoughts, like he’s also expecting some kind of resistance, but Bucky only looks away.

 

Fighting against the inevitable only drags it out. And makes it incredibly more painful.

 

“Alright well, if that was it, I’m gonna head back down. Loki, you eat yet?” Bucky clears his throat, eager to exit the room. 

 

“Matter of fact, I haven’t” Loki says and Bucky nods, turning towards the door under the confused eyes of pretty much everyone else, who must be wondering why Bucky would want to leave so quickly.

Of course, none of them really know about…anything, really.

Except maybe Nat.

And just as he’s about to reach the doorstep where Loki is waiting, she’s the one to call out after him, in Russian.

“He’s in love with you, you moron.”

Bucky hasn’t heard Russian in a while, but he hears the sentence as clear as if she’d spoken to him in English, and he freezes, only a few feet from the exit.

He takes a deep breath in, turning back around slowly to meet her eyes.

“I know” He answers back in the same language. “I know that”

 

“Wanda, what are they saying?” Steve asks, and the girl turns to him.

 

“I don’t know, Steve. I don’t speak Russian, I speak Sokovian. You do know those are different languages, right?”

“I- Yes. I do. Sorry”

“I don’t believe anyone should be listening in to what they’re saying anyways, it seems to be a personal matter” Thor says, and Loki throws a shoe at him from the entrance.

“Shut up brother. I’m trying to listen”

Bucky almost turns right back around and leave this room (where obviously way too many people can understand what he’s saying anyways), but Nat takes a step forward, obvious surprise on her face.

“You know??” She asks, still in Russian, as if she hadn’t heard that it was pointless to speak that language.

“Yes”

“You don’t love him back?” She asks, and for a moment, Bucky can read the actual pain on her face, like she knows this discovery would change everything, like she could feel the way this would rip Steve apart, and Bucky shakes his head, because that would be ridiculous.

He does not just love Steve, he worships him, he would live and die for him, destroy and create worlds for him.

 

“I do.” He answers, still in Russian. “Too much to let myself ruin him.”

Nat raises a brow, turning towards Steve, who is very obviously pretending not to be desperate to know what's happening, then back to Bucky, her voice measured and blunt.

“You already are”

Bucky turns around and leaves the room without a second thought.

Chapter 31

Notes:

Yes this is the second chapter in two days because somethings gonna happen soon and I'm literally so excited you guys
ANYWAYS
Hope you enjoyyyyy

“No, Steve, you are not cooking Thanksgiving dinner” Nat says, sitting on her legs on the couch and looking at Steve with a face that leaves no space for discussion, and Bucky doesn’t even know how they got to that point, but they’re knees deep in the most stupidly serious conversation in his entire life.

When Steve called upon everyone in the Tower to meet in the living room, he’d assumed it was for something important . If he’d known, he would’ve ran the other way (no he wouldn’t have). A few actually didn’t show up (Tony and Bruce), which Bucky’s assuming has something to do with the all knowing AI in the ceiling able to tell them exactly what's happening.

Or more like what's been happening for the last hour or so.

 

He lets out a very loud and deep sigh to signify to everyone involved that they should move on, but Steve tenses up, and Bucky rolls his eyes. Here we go again.

 

“Well I’m the only one willing to! We’re not ordering pizza again this year. I’m vetoing it” Steve says, crossing his arms on his chest and shifting frustratingly beside Bucky on the couch opposite to Nat.

Yes. Beside Bucky . Because although they have literally not spoken a real word to the other in about a week, Steve still decided that this was the best possible seat to take. Bucky should probably have known better than to sit first, but to be fair he was already in the living room when Friday's voice called for everyone to head there.

The sudden sound of a vent popping open has Bucky bracing himself, aware of what's (more like who’s) coming, but Clint lands gracefully on the couch beside Nat. She doesn’t even acknowledge it, just scooting a little bit to give him more space as he spreads his arms around the cushions. 

 

Is this really Bucky’s life now?

 

“Not like we could even if we wanted to” The new arrival interjects, deciding to join in the conversation, and Bucky sends him a look that he hopes transpires 'don't encourage them’ as much as he wants it to.

 

“Do what?” Tony asks,finally walking in with Bruce beside him, looking down at a notebook with a frown on his face.

 

“Order pizza for Christmas” Ned says

 

“Or order pizza period” Nat adds

 

“You guys better not be talking about the incident” Bruce says, looking up.

 

Bucky sighs. He doesn't remember Thanksgiving ever being so complicated, even back when they were too poor to afford even canned turkey. And why is this the Avengers' bigger problem anyways?

 

Is it bad if he hopes for a supervillain?

 

Probably, huh?

 

“Clint was” Wanda says, snapping Bucky back into the conversation, and Clint glares at her, but she only grins in response

 

“Only because Cap wants to cook for Thanksgiving,” Clint explains, easily dodging a page of Bruce’s notes that Tony had just rolled into a ball to throw at him, Bruce looking mildly offended.

 

“Not happening” Tony says and Nat approves with an arm gesture which only seems to frustrate Steve further, and Bucky can tell he’s about to get up from the couch and have a genuine argument about it, so he presses his shoulder against him, hoping to calm him down.

It doesn’t matter if they're not talking. Bucky doesn’t need to talk. And it's not like he’s about to let his best friend have a meltdown over Thanksgiving dinner .

 

It works only slightly, Steve pressing back, buzzing with annoyed energy but still relaxing a little against him.

 

And then Tony ruins all of his efforts by saying the worst absolute thing to say to Steve, ever.

 

“I’ll just pay someone to come and do it”

 

Steve springs up and Bucky bites back a groan.

 

“Come on Tony, you can’t hire someone to come here on Thanksgiving !!”

 

“Why not?” Tony asks and Bucky has to choose between throwing something at him or holding Steve back.

 

Tony looks very offended when the cushion hits him in the face, but everyone laughs, including Bruce, so Bucky considers it a win.

 

“I could just ask May” Peter says, looking up from his homework, sitting on the floor in front of the living room table. “But she works in the morning, and I don’t think she can cook for that many people all by herself in one afternoon”

“Can’t spend the day cooking with her, thats for sure, but maybe I can use some of my afternoon to prep, make sure everything is ready for her in the kitchen before she gets here. Have everything be cut and right where it needs to be for her to start right away” Pepper offers.

 

“And I’ll help her whenever she gets here” Wanda offers, and MJ shakes her head

 

“Of course the women would have to cook for everyone. Super progressive, guys”

 

Steve throws his arm up in the air

 

“ I offered first ”

 

“ Goddamnit, I’ll do it” Bucky shouts.”If everyone shuts up about Thanksgiving right now, I’ll cook. I’m begging”

 

Everyone turns towards him at the sudden outburst, but he doesn't have it in him to be ashamed right now. They made him grumpy. They can deal with it now.

 

“You can cook?” Nat asks after a minute, raising a suspicious brow at him.

 

“I’m decent.” He shrugs.

 

It’s not like he has anything else to do most days anyways, unless he has a therapist appointment or Ben decides to drag him somewhere.

 

“Great. Problem solved. Good job guys” Tony says, dropping on the couch behind Peter, looking over his shoulder for a second curiously before slouching back down, wrapping his arm around Pepper’s shoulder and pressing a kiss to a temple while she rolls her eyes fondly.

 

“Can I still help?” Wanda asks with a little amused smile and Bucky smiles

 

“Of course, kid.”

 

“ No using mind power , Wanda. You’re warned” Clint says, raising a finger at her

 

“Why? Is there an anti-powers food rule or something?” Bucky asks and everyone turns to stare at him again, before Tony bends down, grabs one of Peter’s pen and chucks it at him.

 

Bucky grabs it mid-air, but still looks confusedly at Tony.

 

“We don't talk about the incident” 

 

“Did I talk about the incident? I don’t even know what it is !”

 

“Just don’t ask questions.” Peter says with an apologetic smile, holding out his palm for his pen, which Bucky gives back reluctantly.

 

“I need to start hanging out with normal people again.” He grumbles, slouching back on the couch where Steve finally settled down again

 

“When did you ever hang out with normal people?” Steve teases him, a familiarity in his voice Bucky thought he’d never hear again, and he smirks, tilting his head to the side.

 

Not wrong. 

 

“Well that little guy he spends half his time with seems pretty normal” Clint says, munching on some red licorice Bucky has genuinely no idea where he pulled out from, but that's the least of his worries now, because Steve tenses up all over again. Like every time Ben is brought up. 

 

Bucky is so done with this day.

 

“How would you know?” He asks, frowning. “You were on a mission for two weeks, and then back at your family’s house last week. I don’t think I’ve even seen you more than two minutes since the party.”

 

“I watch the security footage when I’m bored” Clint shrugs

 

“For safety reasons, right?” Bruce asks, sounding somewhat worried for what Bucky assumes is Clint’s mental health

 

“For fun.” Clint corrects him, and Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose

 

“You’re so creepy, Clint. You know that, right?” Sam asks, and Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

He agrees, but Sam doesn’t have to know that. It’s just that Bucky gets irritated every time he hears the guy’s voice, so the eye roll is almost like an automatic response.

 

And anyways, now that we’re at it, he really doesn’t have to insist on going on Steve’s run with him every day since he got back. It’s weird. Nobody enjoys running with Steve look-how-much-faster-than-you-I-can-run Rogers at 5AM. That’s not being a good friend that’s just…bootlicking. And a reasonable reason to get annoyed by someone, which has nothing to do with how close to the other side of Steve he’s sitting currently.

 

“You better hope Laura doesn’t find out you’re watching us when you’re at home, or you’ll sleep on the couch” Nat says, taking the licorice from Clint’s hand to take a bite while he huffs

 

“Snitches get stitches. And why are we talking about me anyways? Let’s all focus back on Bucky’s little friend please.”

 

What's wrong with today? Is it national talk-about-sensitive-subject day? How many catastrophes is he gonna have to dodge in 24 hours?

 

“I aint telling you sh-” Bucky starts, but he gets interrupted by Tony

 

“Benjamin Roodshell, 26, works at a security tech for some boring insurance company. Graduated from MIT, with honestly impressive results, hats to that. Born from Lilian and Hunter Roodshell and honestly who has that last name, like seriously- anyways. Clean record, last time he ever got anything it was a parking ticket in 2010. Same for medical records, diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as a kid, unmedicated, but that's it. He’s extremely boring, and perfectly adequate for our little Barney”

 

Bucky’s jaw goes slack at his friend’s monologue.

 

“...what?”

“What do you mean what? Do you need me to actually repeat all that, or..?”

 

“You did a background check on Ben??” Bucky asks, tone between disbelief and anger

 

“Oh, he’s ‘Ben’ now, is he?” MJ teases and Bucky glares

 

“He was always Ben, that's just short for his name”

 

“You know, Tony, I didn’t think his school results were that impressive” Nat chimes in, and Bucky’s head snaps towards her. “You read his final project on AI?”

 

Tony shrugs.

 

“It wasn’t bad , just a little soulless” 

 

“ Natasha Romanoff ” Bucky says, gritting his teeth.

 

“It wasn’t soulless, it was just fact-based, and you guys are biased” Bruce says, crossing his arms on his chest.

 

“Okay, wait a damn minu-” Bucky says again, but then Steve speaks beside him

 

“The one he programmed to do art was terrible. I’ve never seen anything uglier” Steve says defensively, and Bucky might’ve punched him in the face if Peter didn’t start talking too

 

“Art is subjective. I thought it was pretty good” The kid chimes in.

 

“Did none of you respect Bucky’s privacy, at all ?” Wanda asks, looking about just as offended as Bucky, and he turns, gesturing to her.

 

“ Right ??”

 

Sam and Pepper sigh in unison.

 

“I stopped trying to make Tony listen to me a long time ago” Pepper say, sending a look to Tony, who looks back a little sheepishly.

 

“Cheers to that.” Sam says. “I did try to tell Steve not to do it but he turned right around and just did it anyways”

 

“ Because it was a matter of safety”

 

“You did not need to hack into his email account”

 

“ You hacked into Ben’s email account? ” Bucky shouts and Steve looks at him all defiant, although Bucky can see a little bit of guilt in his eyes.

 

“I don’t trust him.”

 

“You’re paranoid!”

 

“I’m not! I’m telling you, there's something weird about that guy.”

 

“Jesus, Steve, get the stick out your ass. He didn’t do anything” Bucky snaps.

 

He’s so incredibly angry right now. Steve had no right to investigate Ben like that, none of them had. Not when Bucky had to try so hard not to himself, to learn to trust again despite the doubts. 

 

And now he had the proof. Nothing was wrong with Ben. And he felt so bad about knowing that information at all that he can do not to explode is to take a deep breath.

 

“Yet” Steve snaps and Bucky squints angrily at him.

 

“You know, maybe we wouldn’t be so curious if you’d let us meet the guy” Nat says, and Bucky shakes his head.

 

“Not happening.”

 

“Steve met him” Peter says, crossing his arms on his chest.

 

“For like two seconds. By accident” Bucky says and Steve scoffs beside him.

 

“And he was an asshole anyways.”

 

“Okay, he was not an asshole” Bucky says, and he’s growing more and more uncomfortable and frustrated with the whole situation. He hates feeling caught between two stools. 

 

“...Maybe not” Steve says after a second. “But he felt off”

 

“Okay, I’m done with this” Bucky says, getting up and throwing his arms in the air. “That's exactly why none of you guys are ever gonna meet him”

 

“Meet who?” A voice asks from behind him and this has to be Bucky’s worst nightmare. He swirls around slowly, carefully, to double check if it really is who he thinks it is.

 

Ben is standing in the doorway with his ridiculous hat and two coffees, and Bucky dies just a little inside.

 

“ No way ” Ned giggles. “Is that him? That is perfect timing”

 

Ben smiles a little sheepishly at everyone’s attention being so suddenly on him, and Bucky can see him hesitating to come forward to join him.

 

“Hey. Sorry, Friday told me you were here I didn’t know… everyone was” He says awkwardly and Bucky rolls his eyes fondly, keeping his back turned to the rest of them to avoid having to see the faces he’s sure they’re making.

 

“Hi” He answers in a sigh, but he still tries at an apologetic smile because he feels bad about how obvious it probably is that Ben is the last person he wants to see right now. “Don’t apologize. Friday likes to sabotage me”

 

“I do not, sir”

 

“She does” Bucky says, still addressing Ben and pretending he’s not currently standing in a minefield made of people who have no idea how to properly act around regular human beings, and Steve, who knows how to act around people but decided to hate this random guy.

 

“Sabotage, huh? That bad?” Ben says, sounding a little hurt, and Bucky just now realizes how that sounds.

 

“Wait no, I didn’t mean- You’re not the problem, they- ”

 

“Excuse our Bucko, he’s awfully rude” Stark intervenes, clapping Bucky on the shoulder, and he hadn't even seen him get up at all.

 

Oh no.

 

There it goes.

 

“You’re most welcome to join us. You’re not sabotaging anything” Tony continues, taking the few steps separating him and Ben to wrap his arm around his shoulder, guiding (forcing) him to step deeper inside the room. 

 

Steve lets out a small disapproving grunt and Bucky glares at him, efficiently shutting him up. For how long, that's the question. There's very little that can prevent Steve from speaking his mind, even Bucky. He used to have his ways of course, and by ways he means, distract the guy. He’s like a dog, if you can switch his attention to something different, and that's a big if, then you won. Thing is, usually Bucky would direct Steve’s attention towards him instead, and that's not exactly possible right now, considering Ben is a pretty Bucky centered issue and that Bucky’s been trying to direct Steve’s attention on anything but him since their talk, and even less now that Nat’s words resonate in his mind, night and day.

 

“You already are”

All that self-sacrificing bullshit he was telling himself not to drown in guilt, thinking that what he was doing was saving Steve, down the drain. He can see it now. Everything he touches he breaks. He was stupid to think that walking away from Steve would be enough to save him from the curse, no, Bucky’s touched Steve too much, too often for that. He’s been poisoning him for so long that Steve doesn’t even realize its poison, that he craves the taste.

He did it already. He ruined Steve. And those are the thoughts that keep him awake at night, staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to save Steve from himself. Leaving would not help, he knows that, he doesn’t think Steve could handle it, or ever stop looking for him. And Bucky would come back. He knows he would, as soon as Steve would tug that invisible bond between them hard enough, as soon as he would find himself at a moment of weakness, he’d turn right back around, like a wolf getting a draft of blood in the dark forest.

Its easy to say Hydra made him a weapon, that they turned him into a monster. But Bucky knows the truth, knows he was rotten from the inside out ever since he was born.

He also knows how to deal with evil. Death, plain and simple and easy .

But he can’t. Not this once. This would kill Steve all the same. 

 

“Did you bring coffee? How sweet of you” Stark speaks again, Bucky’s mind focusing on the present moment again, eyes drifting towards Ben and Tony.

 

Tony reaches for the coffee in Ben’s hand, but surprisingly, the guy pulls it away slightly.

 

“Actually thats for Jamie” Ben says, turning to Bucky and giving him a small smile before focusing his attention back on Tony. “Sorry. I’d brought more if I knew”

 

“It’s for Jamie now, is it?” Tony grins, not seeming offended at all, and Bucky cant hold the small sigh that escapes his lips as he takes the few steps forward to take his coffee.

 

“Thanks Ben.” He says, and then he pulls off the guy’s hat because he just always does that and it's basically muscle memory now. Ben huffs as a poof of fluffy hair looks like it’d just exploded from underneath and Bucky chuckles at the glare.

 

“Cute” MJ says and Bucky rolls his eyes, speaking up before anyone else can comment

 

“Wanna go up?” He asks, very determined to get away from here as fast as physically possible.

 

“Wait, no, you can’t leave yet! I need help with uh…this” Peter says, lifting his homework from the table and shaking it around to push his point.

 

Bucky turns his head to look at him, eyebrow raised.

 

“ You need help with your homework?”

 

“Yes”

“From me ?”

“Yes” 

 

“You know you’re in the same room as Tony Stark, Bruce Banner and Pepper Pots, right?” Bucky asks, and Peter pretends to pout.

 

“Fine then, if you don’t wanna help me…” The kid says with a defeated voice, but Bucky can see the twinkle of amusement in his eyes. The little shit. He’s doing it on purpose.

 

He turns to Ben, about to tell him they should head up anyways, but he’s looking at him intently, like he’s analysing the situation, and Bucky almost sweats. This feels like a test. Is this a test?? He sighs

“Did you-”

“Yes. Let's stay.” Ben grins, and Bucky has to fight really hard not to squeeze his eyes shut in complete desperation.

 

But if Ben says to stay, of course he’ll stay.

Fucking sucks, tho. 

 

He walks slowly towards Peter, squinting before he crouches in front of the living room table, Ben following for a second before being snatched away by Tony again.

“Wait, let me take your coat off. Can’t believe Ducky’s such an horrid host”

Bucky ignores him, still squinting at Peter. He takes the sheet in his hand but doesn’t bother looking at it.

“What’s this homework?”

“Wait I need to take a look at the question to tell you what part I don,t under-”

“That’s not what I asked. I asked what was the homework”

Peter stares at him for a second.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re terrible at multitasking. I’m willing to bet you don’t even know what you asked help for”

“Yes I do!”

 

“Okay, what is it?”

“...english” Peter says, trying for confident but missing by a mile.

“Actually we were doing history. We finished the English homework like 20 minutes ago” MJ says beside him and Peter turns to her, betrayed

“MJ!”

“What?”

“You didn’t have to tell him!”

“...He’s holding the homework right now. He would've known”

 

“That doesn’t matter! We have to back each other up”

“Do you mean have each other’s back?” MJ asks

“I think both are correct, and that you’re all very lucky I’m here to help with the English lesson.” Ned chimes in and Bucky pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Anyways” Peter says, grabbing the sheet from Bucky's hand. “It's for history. It makes sense I’d ask for your help with history, right?”

Bucky squints even more

“Dumb lumb”

 

“Yeah yeah” Peter says with a grin, eyes sliding to the side of the room where Ben is now talking with Bruce and Nat. Bucky snaps his fingers

“Nope. You tricked me. Now you have to do actual work. No nosing around”

“What?! But-”

“So, what’s this about?” Bucky asks, looking at the backward paper

“World war two.” Ned whines. “I’m bored to death”

It takes a second for the words to register to Bucky, because they don’t really make sense to him. Bored?

By war?

Bucky remembers the war. That's one of the things he remembers most. When he gets woken up by another nightmare with the feeling his lungs are filled with smoke, the smell of powder and death clinging to the inside of his nostril, his skin feeling sticky, his broken brain not able to know if its because of the sweat or the blood, so much blood, the taste of iron, his blood? Is it his blood? Whose blood is this?

Bored?

Rows of bodies. The smell of rot when they came across another destroyed camp. Seeing the bullet escape your gun knowing its about to go take a life, and firing again.

Bored?

His mother weeping in his arms as he’s telling her he’s leaving, to protect the country, to protect her and his sister. Not knowing if the encompassing fear that took over his guts was his own or his twin’s, looking at him like it would be the very last time she’d get to.

“Bored?” Bucky asks out loud, in disbelief more than anything, and Peter elbows Net.

 

“What?” Ned asks, turning to Peter, who seems to be trying to communicate with him through telekinesis or something, and the other boy just looks incredibly more confused before MJ sigh.

 

“You were in that one, right?”

“Yeah” Bucky says, still a little dumbfounded. “I was”

Ned’s face grows very red almost instantly, and he starts stuttering

 

“Wait, no- I didn’t mean- It's only like a lot of dates to remember and everything, like I wasn’t trying to… I’m so sorry”

Bucky blinks a few times, breathing in and out. This is just a kid. He isnt even angry just… what he fought for, back then, it was important. Too important to be called boring.

“Pay attention in class.” Bucky says, lifting himself back up. “These aren’t just words on paper. It used to be people. It's important to remember that, if we don’t want it to happen all over again. Might help to find it less boring, too”

“Wait, you don’t have to leave ” Peter says, lifting himself back up and Bucky’s lips tugs up. He rolls his eyes, pushing the kids back down.

“I’m just getting Steve.” He taps on his temple. “I got old man memory, remember? He’ll know better than me how to help”

 

Peter gets back down with obvious disappointment, but he tries not to show it too much, which honestly makes Bucky wants to shoot himself in the foot.

 

“Alright”

 

Bucky turns around to try and spot Steve, which isn’t too hard considering he’s actually the only one of them who hasn’t moved toward Ben at all. He’s already looking at Bucky, and he doesn’t look tense anymore just…tired. Bucky feels the worry creeping up his body and before he can do anything about it, he’s in front of Steve, looking down at him on the couch.

 

“You okay?” He ask, unsure, the first real words spoken in days.

 

Steve smiles up at him, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

“I’m good. What's up?”

 

Bucky wants to push, but he knows that just a terrible idea all around. Not here, not with all those people around, not he knows too damn well exactly whats wrong with Steve. So he doesn’t, just gives him a small smile back, because Bucky always smiles back.

 

“The kid asked for you”

 

Steve raises a brow, eyes drifting back to the kids which seems to be debating about something, then back at Bucky.

 

“He did? Why?”

 

“History homework”

 

Steve chuckles, lifting himself up.

 

“Alright, well hopefully I can be helpful”

 

“More than me, thats for sure. Ned just called World War two ‘boring’”

 

Steve’s eyebrow shoots up.

 

“Boring?? How can war be boring ??”

 

“Right???” 

 

“At least they don’t think war is cool like we did as kids”

Its Bucky’s turn to chuckle.

 

“A win is a win, I guess”

 

Steve nods, eyes drifting back to the trio.

 

“Thanks for the heads up anyways.”

 

“Of course” Bucky says, softly clapping a hand on Steve’s shoulder, leaving it there for a second, like maybe he can suck up a bit of that tiredness, and then he turns to walk away, towards Ben (and his audience).

 

“Hey, Buck?” Steve calls out, and bucky turns his head.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I- uhm. The door. I didn’t lock it. Again. I mean, this time.” His friend says, scratching the back of his neck a little awkwardly.

 

Bucky knows. He asked Friday repeatedly if it was, just to make sure. Not that he was going to go, but he just wanted to know. 

 

But what is he supposed to answer that??

 

That sounded way too much like Steve asking him to come back. And Bucky wants to. He wants to so badly. But he can’t. So he gives Steve a single nod and a lopsided smile.

 

“..Thanks”

 

“Yeah. No worries” Steve says, clearing his throat, and then he’s gone, walking to the kids like nothing had just happened, and Bucky walks to Ben just the same, although it feels like he just swallowed a big handful of sand.

 

When he gets there, Sam is talking to Ben, head cocked to the side.

 

“And you’re sure you’ve never been to Lousiana? Or have family there?”

Ben chuckles.

 

“Yes, I’m 100 % sure”

 

“Jesus, I don’t know, you just look very familiar. You skinny white boys all look the same, I swear to God”

Ben shrugs, taking a sip of his coffee and smiling at Bucky when he notices him.

 

“Hey. How was the homework?”

 

“Short and sweet” Bucky snorts.

 

“Sent Steve over instead?” Clint asks, suddenly appearing beside bucky in a way that just doesn’t startle him anymore.

 

“Yeah.” He says, not wanting to elaborate, but then they hear loud laughter coming from the table where Bucky was, just seconds ago, and the other three turns, so he does as well, of course. 

 

Steve is grinning proudly at the three kids dying of laughter in front of him, and Bucky doens’t even thinks he’s seen MJ smile for more than 5 consecutive seconds, let alone laughs, so a smile creeps on his own face. 

 

“He’s good with kids” Clint says

 

“Yeah, you should see him with my nephew. That kid loves him to death and they’ve only met like, twice” Sam adds, and Bucky shakes his head fondly

 

“Wasn’t always like that. He used to be so awkward around kids, like he ahd absolutely no idea what to do with them. It was hilarious to witness”

 

“Maybe becoming Captain America had its perks children wise. Not like he had a choice to get used to them, you know, since they’re all obsessed with him.” Ben says, and Bucky just then remembers he’s right there.

 

“Tat achtually makche senche” Clint says, mouth full of licorice and Bucky frowns at him

 

“What?”

 

“He said that actually makes sense” Sam says and Bucky rolls his eyes (Its literally a defense mechanism against Sam at this point)

 

Bucky opens his mouth to talk but then Nat interrupts him, calling out for Bruce across the room, frowning down the little note Tony threw at Clint earlier.

 

“Wait, Bruce? You figured it out?”

 

Bruce looks away from Pepper and to Nat, confused look on his face turning into a shy pride when he notices the paper in her hand.

 

“Yeah”

 

“Figured what out?” Clint asks, walking towards Nat to grab the note

 

“The super-drug” Nat says, handing it to him

 

“Well, thats not the name of it but-”

 

“Wait, you invented a drug that works on super metabolism?” Ben asks, jaw dropping a little and Bruce grows a little red.

 

“As for now it isn’t much. I mean, at first I was just trying to make something to help with the pain but then Bucky said something about having trouble sleeping and I figured if I can just make a sleeping pill to knock them out long enough for us to be able to actually operate or-”

 

“What? Bruce! Thats awesome!” Pepper cheers, and Tony pout

 

“I helped too, by the way”

 

Bucky snorts, but then he grabs Ben by the elbow, leaning closer to his ear.

 

“We should leave now while they’re all distracted”

 

Ben chuckles, but he looks a little exasperated.

 

“Why’d do you want to leave so bad?”

 

Bucky can’t really say that him being here is like a ticking time bomb, so he grins instead.

 

“Got a bunch of chocolate chips cookie and Deathly Hallow waiting upstairs. Also, Tony brought me a piano from whatever country he came back from cause apparently Steve told him I started playing again, and I’ve been working on a song from the movies for you.”

 

“You haven’t even seen the movies”

 

“I don’t need to watch the movie to learn a song.”

 

Ben laughs a little, but then he nods.

 

“Alright. We can leave.”

 

Bucky holds a relieved sigh as he pulls Ben towards the elevator while everybody congratulates Bruce. He wished he could say they didn’t get noticed, but he feels a burning stare on his back all the way until they’re far out of view, hair raising at the back of his head in a familiar way. 

 

That night, when Ben is long gone and is room has been dark for hours, he asks Friday about Steve’s lock over and over and over until she stops answering entirely.

Chapter 32

Notes:

Alright here's an itty bitty chapter, because tomorrow's the fic's first birthday and I have something very very very special for yallll but I needed to cover Thanksgiving first for the date's sake (and also because even tho I'm not American I think this is very significant for you guys so I figured I couldn't really skip it lmao)

Omg I'm so excited for tomorrow
Might die
ANYWAYSSSSS ENJOYYYYYYY

“I think we make a pretty good team” Wanda says, hands on her hips, looking at the turkey now cooking in the oven.

 

They’ve been at the cooking things for a few hours now, and almost everything's in place for that night’s dinner, even though Bucky’s not really feeling it. Supposes he should be, Thanksgiving is all about being grateful, and he has all the reasons in the world to be grateful this year, and yet.

“I guess nothing’s on fire” Bucky answers, looking at the mess of the kitchen, but a smile tugs up his lips at the pride in the younger girl’s eyes. 

 

“Except us” Wanda says with a grin and Bucky looks at her, alarmed

 

“What? Did you burn yourself?”

 

“No- I was saying we’re on fire. Like the expression?”

 

“Oh.” Bucky snorts. “That makes sense. Sorry, I’m just…”

 

“Stressed? Overwhelmed? Confused?”

 

“...I was gonna say tired.” Bucky says, raising a brow. “Got anything you want to say to me kiddo?”

 

“No, sorry” Wanda says sheepishly, pushing herself up to sit on the counter, grabbing a piece of carrot and shoving it in her mouth before Bucky can stop her, and ignoring his scowl as she munches on it, thoughtful. “I just noticed you were acting different. A little off”

 

Bucky sighs, leaning on the counter and taking a piece of vegetable too, Wanda looking at him in amusement. 

 

“I guess I am a little off” He sighs, because there's no point in lying, but he lifts his arm to poke at the girl’s forehead. “But that's none of your concern, little witch”

 

“Maybe not,” Wanda says, swatting his hand off. “But maybe I could help. And I’m not a witch”

 

“You do magic.”

 

“Doesn't mean I’m a witch.”

 

“I don’t know. Should've seen yourself putting stuff in that cauldron earlier...” Bucky jokes, and Wanda gives him a little slap on the shoulder. “Ow? Okay, fine, Jesus , not a witch. Got it”

“That was a good try tho”

 

“A good try?”

 

“At changing the subject” Wanda grins, opening her mouth as another piece of carrot flies into her mouth, and Bucky raises a brow

 

“I thought there was a rule against that”

 

“Pointing out when you’re trying to be sneaky?” She teases, and another piece of carrot flies up, Bucky grabbing it mid-flight to throw it in his own mouth

 

“Mind powers in the kitchen,” he says, speaking around it. Wanda shushes, laughing, but she grabs the next piece with her hands.

 

“You know we can play that game a long time, old men”

 

“I’m not that old”

 

Wanda looks at him, unimpressed, and he sighs

 

“I have a psychiatrist. I definitely don’t need to talk about my problems with a preschooler.”

 

“I’m 20”

 

“Proving my point”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Listen kid, I know you’re a bored superhero who wants to find someone to save, but I’m not that person. I don’t want or need your help. Got it?” He asks, voice dropping to a more serious tone, looking at Wanda.

 

The kid looks back at him, something like opposition flaring up in her eyes, and Bucky has to bite back a grin. He sees Steve in all of those kids, can tell exactly what they picked up off spending that much time with him. Its cute when its all-righteousness, and somewhat irritating when its stubbornness. 

 

Like now.

 

“Its not about being a superhero. I’m just worried is all. You know, maybe if you looked around every once in a while, you’d realize people care about you. But you’re too focused on…on..” Wanda hesitates, obviously getting frustrated. ”..feeling sorry for yourself!”

 

“Is that right?” Bucky asks, voice flat, because he isn't about to argue with a child.

 

“Yes! It is! Bruce made that drug thing for you to sleep, Peter carries around a football that he never throws, Loki barely tries to pretend that he hates you, Clint hides chocolate bars all over the Tower just for you, and Steve. Well, that's a whole other thing. Caring about you doesn't even begin to cover it-”

 

“Okay kid, enough”

 

“No! Not enough! I’m tired of watching you bathe in self-loathing when everyone around you can see your worth.”

 

“Wanda…” Bucky warns, eyes squinting, stopping his lean on the counter to stand up straighter. “I said enough .” He says calmly, almost cold.

 

He can see the fire in the kid’s eyes burning brighter, but she tenses her jaw, exhaling.

 

“Whatever,” She says, pushing herself off the counter. “Call me when it's time to make the desserts. I have to find Vision” 

 

Bucky watches her as she leaves, and he shakes his head. She’s wise, for a kid, that's for sure. Maybe he should stop calling her that. 

 

He waits a little while, trying to focus on the cooking, adding a few things here and there in the side dishes. It's frustrating to be put in place by someone that much younger than him, and he can’t help but feeling a little insulted, although he knows she’s right. He now can't stop himself from thinking about the little things, or of the way everybody’s showing him he’s welcomed here. He hasn’t really spent any time thinking about it before, hadn’t really noticed when he switched from being Steve’s friend to just…Bucky. 

 

It warms him. It scares him.

 

Gives him something to lose.

 

And something to be grateful for today.

 

Damn kids and their goddamn mouths. Got that from Steve, too.

 

It's a little awkward when Wanda comes back, but Vision is with her, and she’s definitely in a better mood. He gives her the cake scraps and doesn't say anything when the frosting spatula floats across the room. He winks, she grins, all is forgiven. They don’t talk about it again.

 

When they bring out the food to the table full of people, it's not perfect, but at least it's not burned, and Steve doesn’t even pout, especially not when the desserts come out and he sees the irish apple crumble.

 

Bucky’s sure it doesn’t hold a candle to Sarah’s, but he knows that she always baked it for him on Thanksgiving, no matter what, even if it wasnt a Irish holiday. Just for Steve to feel a little normal. And he remember how much this meant to Steve when Bucky was able to scrap one up the first year after Sarah died, even though it tasted weird and the texture was way off. The smile that lit up his face that night was prettier than anything Bucky had seen before, and it made him wish he was able to draw as good as Steve. 

 

It’s almost the same smile that lights up his face right now, and that also warms up Bucky. For a holiday thats being celebrated right as winter starts, it sure makes him feel like he’s standing under the sun.

 

He doesn’t talk to Steve much that night, really trying to hold onto his silent promise to not burden his friend with feelings that wont ever lead anywhere, even if it eat him from the inside out. Still, he feels Steve’s eyes linger on him as they eat and laugh, and he looks back, even smiles back, and he ends up stealing a little mashed potato from Steve’s plate instead of getting his own, for old time’s sake. 

 

He doesn’t talk much, but love’s radiating from him in waves, and he can feel it. He hopes everyone else can, too. He hopes they all know he cares for them right back.

Chapter 33

Notes:

I have no freaking idea how the Rockfeller tree thing works lmao, so sorry if its wrong.

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY ECHOES OF THE PASTTTTTTTTTTTT
Can't believe some of you genuienely have been here since day one and still sticking with me lmao. I love you all so muchhhhh <3

Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this chapter :))))))

“So, you ever been to the lighting ceremony?” Ben asks as they make their way towards the Rockfeller tree, walking the busy streets. 

 

It's only November 30th, but most shops are already decorated, and there's something in the air, something that’s only really ever there around Christmas time. Like a buzz, like the thrum of people desperate to keep just a little bit of magic alive. Bucky smiles, turning to Ben and taking a big sip of the peppermint hot chocolate Ben handed to him when they met a few streets back. 

 

“Not in a long time.” Bucky says, remembering how the tree used to look back in the thirties. Back when he was still just a teenager, with stars shining in his eyes when the tree lit up. “Bet it’ll be way different now”

 

“Yeah. Hope it’ll still hold up to the expectations” Ben says, smiling back. He’s almost buzzing too, although his buzzing is slightly different from the rest. A little nervous, maybe. Anxious. Bucky steps closer to Ben’s side as they keep walking, almost protectively.

 

“Everything okay?” He asks, voice low, worry creeping in his tone.

 

“Yeah” Ben sighs. “Of course everything’s okay. I’m excited for tonight, that's all. It's my favorite day of the year. I used to always come here with my brother to watch it”

 

“So romantic” Bucky snorts and Ben rolls his eyes, fond smile on his face

 

“You lost your shot at romance when I took you horse riding and you literally took off with the horse like there was no tomorrow”

 

“I love horses!”

 

“I looked dumb as hell trying to catch up with you!”

 

Bucky chuckles, looking at Ben sheepishly.

 

“I came back”

 

“Only when I shouted loud enough for you to hear”

 

“Still counts”

 

“Right.” Ben says, unimpressed, but he’s smiling so Bucky’s assuming he’s not actually mad about this. (even tho he keeps bringing it up)

 

Bucky reaches down to grab Ben’s free hand, something he started doing now. It was weird at first, to reach out, to initiate physical touch, but the truth is he likes it. Bucky likes being touched. He hasn’t liked being touched in a long long time, not by anyone but Steve, and it just felt like a big step forward to go against his intuition and reach out. He does it naturally, now, brush a strand of hair, reach for a hand, give a hug, but it took work. Especially with Ben. It felt almost like he was doing something that wasn’t allowed, like he was trying to swim against the current.

 

He's not sure why it's harder with him than everyone else, but Bucky blames it on his feelings for Steve. They’re there, always in the back of his mind, always there to poison him with guilt, but he lives with it now. He has accepted that he would always love Steve, that he always did, and that this love was a part of him. Like an extra organ, something that people, including himself, have tried to rip away from him without succeeding. He’s come to terms with it, with the fact it wouldn’t go away, but also with the fact it’d never lead to anything, because he never would let it. Because he’s trying so very hard not to be poison anymore, but somehow every time it's about Steve he cannot help it.

 

Still, he can reach down to grab Ben’s hand now, and squeeze it without feeling like an absolute ass for it. And that's something. Allowing himself to make other people happy, to trust them, and himself too. It’s something. He knows it is. He tries to remember it.

 

Ben squeezes back, and Bucky hides his smile into his next sip of peppermint hot chocolate. It's one of his favorite winter drinks, that Ben has sworn never to tell anyone about, and they’ve been trying a bunch of different ones around New York. This one is definitely not his favorite of the bunch. It tastes good, but there’s an aftertaste to it that makes him almost wince. He’ll have to tell Ben not to go to this place again.

 

They walk a bit further until they reach the tree and they make it a bit early, because Ben’s a little stressed about these things, but Bucky doesn’t really mind. They stay and talk, and he’s in a weirdly good mood, smile almost too big on his face. Not that it's weird, he just didn’t think he’d be that excited about a Christmas tree. It almost makes him want to giggle. Bucky doesn’t giggle. He never giggled, except that one time he got wine drunk at that fancy thing he and Steve had snuck into, dressed in his dad’s way too big suits and pretended to be some rich asshole’s kid. Bucky had almost gotten a girl’s number, but then Steve stumbled into the champagne tower and they had to make a run for it. 

 

They’d ran and laughed so hard that Steve almost had a asthma attack and then Bucky almost had a heart attack because he thought Steve was boutta die, and they somehow ended up by the dock, legs hanging down by the water and drinking the rest of the bottle of fancy disgusting wine Bucky had sneaked into his suit. Steve looked so pretty, pink cheeks and sloppy smile, that Bucky dreamed of kissing him right there, and… other stuff. He’d panicked and left, but that was the first real time Bucky knew . And also the only time he ever remembers giggling.

 

Thing is, he’s not wine drunk now, not that he knows of, at least. So why does he want to giggle? Maybe he caught a cold or something. Mind’s a little foggy, so it would make sense. He’ll down a cough syrup bottle later and let the serum do the rest.

 

Ben seems a little out of it tonight too anyways, staring off into the distance every now and then, and Bucky isn’t sure if he caught the same thing, or if it's his brother that's haunting his head. Bucky knows the bad days. The days where he can’t do anything but sit and think about Becca, and the fact he can’t remember her laugh. He remembers so much of the little things, like the way her hair had little flicks of gold in them, or the exact moment her voice would break when she’d scream her favorite song around the house just to piss him off, but not her laugh. He doesn't remember it, and it eats him up from the inside out. 

 

So yeah. He gets the bad days. And he knows there's not much to do about them, except wait for it to pass. At least Ben won't have to watch the tree light up alone.

 

As it gets closer to 7, more people start gathering around them, but the chatter is soft, and the sunlight is dimming, and maybe Bucky doesn't remember that part of it at all from when he was younger, but it's quite peaceful. He feels like he’s almost out of himself, floating around. It's nice, and he’s still holding Ben’s hand, warm through the gloves. He can barely taste the weird aftertaste in the cocoa now.

 

He barely realizes the countdown has started, not until the light floods his face, and he blinks, a little startled. For one beautiful, blissful second, it feels exactly like his childhood. It takes him all the way back, taking his breath away, and he doesn’t need to long anymore. The world is his. 

 

It doesnt last.

 

People clap, and cheer, and Ben turns to Bucky, grabbing softly onto his coat.

 

“Jamie?”

 

“Thats me” Bucky grins, but Ben doesnt smile the way he usually does when Bucky’s being stupid. Bucky doesn't know if his throat was already dry, but it feels like sandpaper. Not very good. He lifts his cup to take another sip, but Ben stops him.

 

“Wait”

 

Bucky lifts a brow, confused.

 

“I…Its…” Ben says, eyes flicking down to the drink, then to his face. “How come you’ve never kissed me?”

 

Bucky would probably usually be taken aback, probably cringe, and die a litte inside. Now he can only manage to smile, the answer clear as day in his head.

 

“Because you’ve never asked me to.” He says, and Ben’s eyes squeeze shut. He lets go of Bucky’s cup.

 

“Right”

 

“Uh oh. Did I say something wrong?”

 

“No” Ben breathes out, looking at him again. “You’ve just…confirmed something. It just…I guess it couldve been different if you…it doesnt matter”

 

“What could’ve been different?” Bucky asks, frowning, leaning closer to Ben, and the other guys looks at his coat, not meeting his gaze, adjusting his collar slightly. "Ben?" Bucky asks after almost a minute of complete silence.

 

Ben clears his throat, taking a deep breath in.

 

“There's a car. About two streets down. I rented it. We’re gonna go on a drive, you and me” Ben says, voice dropping, more serious.

 

“What?” Bucky asks, blinking, but he’s having trouble thinking straight. “Why’d you rent a car?”

 

“We’re gonna go a drive. Come on” Ben says, tugging on his hand, but Bucky’s feet stays planted on the ground, although it feels harder than it should. His limbs are heavy, his mind is clouded, and it feels like the people around him aren’t seeing him at all, like they could walk right through him. He suffocates.

 

“No.”

 

“Bucky. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be”

 

“What did you just call me?”

 

“Jamie.” Ben says

 

“No. No. You said Bucky”

 

Ben stares at him, still holding his hand. His eyes are cold, detached, but there a little frustration there. Maybe anger. Helplessness? Bucky chokes more.

 

He tries to pull his hand away.

 

“Stop. Jamie! Stop!” Ben hisses, and although its hard to not do as he’s told, Bucky keeps pulling. “Soldat.”

 

Time stops. So does Bucky. An icy feeling goes down his spine, and he slowly lifts his gaze back to Ben, who’s looking back at him with his jaw tense like perhaps this is painful for him, too.

 

“No. The trigger words, they’re…” Bucky says, but he’s so heavy, so confused. He drops his cup on the ground, the liquid spreading at his feet, a few people cursing at him but he can’t look at them, eyes wide and locked on Ben.

 

He’s terrified.

 

“Its not the trigger words” Ben explains, voice low, and he looks around nervously. “It’s my brother”

 

Bucky blinks once. Then again. A third time for the sake of it. 

 

Still, it doesn't make more sense.

 

“I thought your brother was dead”

 

“He is” Ben says, face falling back to harsh and cold. 

“I don’t understand”

 

“I’ll explain. Now you need to come with me” Ben says, tugging on his arm, and Bucky’s feet move despite himself,

 

“No.” He says, mouth pasty, but Ben keeps walking.

 

Bucky can’t go back. He can’t go back. 

 

His heart is thumping in his chest, and he’s straining against his own muscles as they push him forward. His teeth are gritting in his mouth, and he tastes blood. 

 

Steve was right.

 

Steve.

 

Bucky’s eyes blur, and for a second he thinks he’s gonna pass out, but no. It’s tears. He’s crying.

 

Steve.

 

He’s been pushing Steve away. He’s been putting a distance between them. It’s been so long since he’s felt his skin under his fingertips, since he sat long enough in a quiet room with Steve to hear the beat of his heart, soft and gentle like a song. 

 

What if he never sees Steve again?

 

How come he can never do it right? How come he always needs to lose Steve to realize it's the last thing he wants? And why does the world keep tearing them apart, like it's trying to test if they’ll find their way again?

 

Cause it is the way, isn't it? The only way. Bucky was stupid enough to think it wasn't, and now he was punished for it. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to burn Steve into his memory. His smell, his smile, the way he’s clumsy when he dances, and the way he blushes when Bucky finds the right thing to say. He can’t forget. Not again.

 

This feels like a goodbye too much for just something that's only happening in his head. It's wrong. All of it. Bucky swears to himself, no matter how long it takes, he’ll fix it. He’ll come back to Steve. 

 

Doesn’t he always?

 

The walk to the car isn't long, but each step is excrutiating for Bucky, battling with his weakened mind. He doesn’t understand why his trembling hand grabs for the handle, why he lowers himself to sit in the car. He doesn’t understand why he stands still as Ben starts the engine and starts driving. He got right of the trigger words. Nobody should be able to control him anymore. He needs to know more, needs to figure out Ben's plan, needs to outsmart him. It's obvious that Ben's inexperienced. Bucky's got a shot, he just needs...he needs...to be able to think. And to know more. Much more.

 

“Where are we going?” He asks, voice filled with as much anger as he can mutter, although it's choked, even this requiring effort. Ben glances at him.

 

“The Grand Canyon” He says flatly, then he leans forward, opening the glove box, revealing a bunch of bottles of Gatorade, most of them identified by a hair tie. “Now drink. Time for a long nap”

Notes:

At the end of the day, at least Bucky gets to see the Grand Canyon, doesn't he? Gotta see the positive, guys.

You're not allowed to hate me btw its against the law

Chapter 34

Notes:

Lmao you thought you were getting answers, didn’t you?

Let me just throw this Peter POV at you instead :)

Maybe even some Steve if you squint.

Peter is so nervous. So so so so so so so nervous. He might die, actually. Can you die from nerves? He’ll have to look it up. If he doesn't die.

 

He’s gonna confess to MJ.

 

Ohhhhhh my god. He’s gonna confess to MJ. This is kinda crazy. 

 

He doesn’t even know why he’s listening to Bucky in the first place. It's not like he’s an expert in romance, he’s been stuck in the Steve (and maybe Clint??? Peter’s still not convinced they told him the truth that one time) mess forever. But he does have like a pretty sweet boyfriend (?). And he’s like, super broody and mysterious and wise and stuff.

Peter wishes he could be half as cool. 

 

So, when Bucky said he had to confess, he knew he did, with the whole ‘dont wait till its too late’ speech and the serious gaze and all. That made sense. He’s kinda regretting it now, tho. Especially since he’s fairly certain he’s gonna get rejected. His spider sense can probably feel rejection, cause it's been going INSANE ever since he and MJ got to the tree.

 

Yeah, yeah, he knows. Confessing at Rockfeller tree is like super cliché, but he doesn't have the budget for the trip to Paris that FRIDAY recommended to him when he asked the best place to confess, so he had to make do.

 

He did kind of planned a whole speech tho, so he doesn’t forget what to say, and he bought her a black dahlia necklace. You know, cause the murder.

 

It can’t go wrong. Unless of course MJ tells him she doesn't feel the same and it ruins their friendship forever. 

 

But that won't happen. For sure.

 

Although statistically , everythings possible. That's not defeatist, it’s math.

 

Math also says there's a 100% chance of never getting with MJ at all if he doesn't even try. 

 

Peter never thought he’d hate math.

 

Ugh.

Anyways, he's fumbling in his pocket, twisting the necklace around his fingers because that's the main character of the confession and he’s been obsessing with it all week. MJ’s talking about something, he’s not really sure what, because his spider sense is still driving him mad, and there’s a lot of people around and he feels like he might be either going crazy, or having a heart attack. One of the two. 

 

People countdown, but he can’t shake the feeling that something’s about to go very, very wrong. His fingers leave the necklace to go on his web-shooter. Just in case.

He should’ve brought a suit.

He places himself a little in front of MJ as the countdown gets to 0 and the tree lights up, bracing himself for something horrible. An explosion, maybe. Hopefully no aliens.

Nothing happens.

Thats weird. His spider-senses never lied before. And they’re not calming down.

 

So maybe it really is about MJ. In which case, he’s fucked. 

 

He turns towards her nervously, swallowing, and she mirrors some sort of anticipation. She probably felt him benign all weird. Theres no getting out of it now. No spidey-warning can stop this trainwreck.

He opens his mouth, hand slowly making its way back to the necklace.

 

“Mj, there's something I…” He starts saying, heart racing inside his chest before he stops abruptly, noticing something behind MJ.

 

Is that…Bucky???

 

No way.

 

No wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

Of course he’d accidentally be there for Peter’s confession. Why wouldn’t he witness the fruit of his advice? (Peter getting rejected) 

 

“Peter? You still there?” MJ asks, waving a hand his front of his face, and his eyes flicker back from her to Bucky

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here. Its just- I saw-” He says, and then he see Bucky drop his cup, and Ben looks weird, and his spider-sense is all over the place. He frowns. “Something’s wrong”

 

“Something’s wrong? What do you…” MJ says, following his gaze towards Bucky and his boyfriend (?) behind her. “Is that Bucky??”

 

“Yes” Peter says, taking a step closer to them, gaze fixed on their body language. Bucky’s so tense he looks like he could break. Peter tries to listen to the conversation, but theres too many people talking, plus the Christmas songs, and the own buzzing of his head. “Something’s wrong” He repeats.

 

“Yeah?” MJ asks, moving back in front of his gaze. “How do you know that?”

 

“I just…do” Peter says, cocking his head so he can still look at Bucky and Ben. 

 

“Nothing to do with you being SpiderMan or anything?” MJ asks, and Peter’s eyes are on her in an instant.

 

“What?”

 

“I asked if it had anything to do with you being SpiderMan” MJ repeats, crossing her arms on her chest.

 

“I- Excuse me? I’m not SpiderMan”

 

“Peter.”

 

“Why would you think I’m SpiderMan?” Peter asks, chuckling nervously. “That's so silly. He’s a superhero”

 

“Yes, and you just happen to hangout with most of the superheroes this city has. So. Hardly a shock”

 

“MJ, I’m not SpiderMan. I just know cause…” He says, eyes finding its way back tot he spot where Bucky was standing just a few moments back, but its empty now. “They’re gone. Where did they go?”

 

“What?” MJ asks, turning again.

 

“ They’re gone .” Peter says, tone more pressing as he starts walking towards the empty cup., slowly emptying itself on the ground. Panic rises in his chest as he looks around, finding no trace of Bucky. “They’re gone” He repeats, and a feeling of doom fill his lungs, forcing him to choke on it. 

 

Bucky’s in danger.

 

He doesn’t have a suit. 

 

“Peter. I’m sure he’s fine. He’s got that serum, doesnt he? And the whole metal arm and…” MJ says, but she’s also looking around worriedly. Peter grabs for his phone.

 

He tries calling Bucky. 

 

One time, two times, three times. All go to voicemail. He’s a bout to call Steve when he gets a text message.

 

[Whats up?]

 

Peter looks at the notification for a second, unsure, but his finger slide up from Steve’s name to click on it.

 

[Where are you?]

 

[With Ben. Why?]

 

Peter looks at the messages. They sound like Bucky. He hesitates, unsure, before typing again, MJ carefully looking at the screen as well.

 

[I need to talk to you. Can you answer the phone?]

 

[Sorry kiddo, busy. Everything alright?]

 

“That could be anyone. Try something that he wouldnt understand if it wasn't him. Something only he knows” MJ says, and Peter nods.

 

His fingers tremble slightly as he writes the message, heart racing in his chest.

 

[Im gonna do it tonight]

 

[Do what?]

 

Peter stares at the screen. 

 

[Nevermind. Call me when you can]

 

“What was that?” MJ asks

 

“Bucky’s in trouble. I have to run to the Tower. Sorry. I’ll catch up later!” Peter shouts, but he’s already walking away, and MJ looks…disappointed.

 

Oh well.

 

That's a problem for later him.

–

 

Steve knows. He knows before the emergency meeting is called. He knows before Peter explains, and he knows before they find Bucky’s phone crushed on the ground. 

 

It feels like he knows since he came out of the ice. 

 

Steve’s curse is to lose Bucky. And no matter how hard they try, they never seem to change it.

 

But that doesn't mean he’s going to stop trying.

 

Ben better be prepared.

 

He’s coming.

Notes:

I'll try and give you guys a long chapter next, but it might take a bit more time (I say as if I'm not already taking forever lmao)
ANSWERS ARE COMING

Chapter 35

Notes:

Didn't expect to post again today, but I'm not really that surprised. I'VE BEN WAITINGGGGGG to write this stupid chapter since Ben's been introduceed lmaoooooo.

Hope you're ready for a ride, people.

Bucky feels weird. 

 

His mouth is dry, and he’s shivering. For a dreadful moment, he thinks they’ve just opened the door. That they’re gonna sit him down in the chair, and send him on a mission.

 

Except he’s already sitting down in a chair.  

 

Bucky blinks his eyes open, fighting against the grogginess, his brain slowly recounting the previous event. The sun is blinding, reflecting on snow, and it takes Bucky a moment to understand where he is. 

 

Well, first of all, he’s tied up on a chair. Not very well, if he’s being honest. If he can stall long enough to regain full strenght, he should be able to break the bonds. That lets him know Ben isn’t experienced in this at all.

 

Did he seriously get tricked by a rookie? That’s low. His ego’s hurt too, now. Oh well, it can get in line. He’s got bigger problems. 

 

“Sorry.” Ben’s voice sounds, and Bucky’s head snaps towards the sound. “I know you probably meant in the summer when you said you wanted to visit the Grand Canyon, but I needed this to be over. And it was just easier. You know, with the closed trails and everything…more discreet. Less tourists, too…” Ben rambles, and Bucky simply glares at him.

 

Ben betrayed him. He used him, manipulated him. For months . Then striped him away of his free will. And now he rambles about tourists.   

 

“I don’t care about the fucking Grand Canyon, I care about what you want from me, Ben. If that's even your name”

 

“It's my name.” Ben says, clearing his throat, looking away like he’s ashamed. “I didn't change that part. Not the first name anyways. Thought it might look suspicious if I didn’t react to whatever name I’d have chosen.”

 

Bucky squints.Confusion and anger bubbling within him, but he has to play the game. He just has to stall long enough to break the bonds. He grits his teeth.

 

“ Who are you ?”

 

Ben looks back at him, twirling his fingers somewhat nervously, and he almost looks surprised.

 

“You didn’t figure that out yet? I thought with the brother thing…”

 

“Did I kill your brother? Is that what this is about?” Bucky asks bluntly. 

 

He killed loads of people. If Ben brother’s is one of them, he might just deserve the hurt he’s feeling at the moment. That doesn’t make him less angry, but at least his blunt question managed to wipe the anxiety off of Ben’s face, who turns stone cold. 

 

Better. He doesn't want to feel bad for the person who’s about to try and kill him.

 

“No.” Ben says, and that also manages to take Bucky aback, and confuse him even more. The answer floats between them, and Ben lets out a little sigh, running a hand through his hair. “ You didn’t kill my brother”

 

Bucky squints at him still , the sun reflecting on the snow making it harder for him to read Ben’s features. Another shiver runs down his body, tho he tries to hide it. He’s not sure why Ben took his coat off of him in the first place. He’s not sure of anything anymore, really. 

 

He tries again.

 

“But somebody did, didnt they? And you can’t kill them yourself, so you figured it’d be easier to get The Winter Soldier to do that for you?”

 

Ben laughs, and it sound cold, and like broken glass, nothing like usual.

 

“Wrong again. Well, half wrong anyways. Somebody did kill my brother, but I’m not gonna get you to kill them. I already know that wont work.”

 

Bucky lets out a groan, fists tightening. He doesn't like games. He’s so fucking tired of games.

 

“Then why am I here?”

 

Ben looks at him, and Bucky doesn't like what he sees. It looks a lot like resignation. It looks a lot like someone who thinks there's only one way this is gonna end.

 

“Because…you need to die” He says simply, like it's a fact, and Bucky’s mind is less and less foggy. He struggles against the rope as subtly as he can, trying to gauge how hard he’s gonna have to pull for either them or the chair to break. 

 

“You plan on telling me why?” He asks, jaw still tense

 

Ben looks at him, and then a small cynical smile tugs up his lips.

 

“Is this the part where I evil-monologue until your superheroes friends get here and save the day?”

 

“I just want to know why I die at the end of this story, Ben.”

 

Ben take a deep breath, looking into the distance, obviously considering it. He doesn’t look crazy, or fanatic. He's a smart guy. Bucky doesn’t understand. 

 

“An eye for an eye” Ben simply says after a while, still looking away. 

 

“What?”

 

“A brother for a brother. Well- I thought so at least. You know, when I planned this whole thing I didn't know Captain America was in love with you. That made things a bit awkward, and nearly ruined everything, but still. The results'll be the same”

 

Bucky feels his stomach sink into his guts.

 

“Are you saying…Steve killed your brother?” Bucky asks, eyes widening slightly, and Ben huffs, eyes finding his again.

 

“Hello, Bucky Barnes. I’m Benjamin Rumlow. Nice to meet you. I believe you’re familiar with my brother?”

 

Bucky’s mouth falls open.

 

Now that he didn’t expect. 

 

“No way. You’re not Rumlow’s brother. That guy was- was…”

 

“Different from me. I know. I told you, we had different belief systems”

 

“You’re joking, right? Your brother worked for an organization who wanted to take over the planet. They were gonna kill billions!”

 

Ben looks down.

 

“I know. I know . But he was my brother. And I…” Ben chokes a bit, the sentence staying unfinished. “When I found out who he was really working for, I stopped talking to him. Didn't visit him in the hospital when we found out he was burned. I… I pretended he never existed. Not like he ever came back home anyways but he’d…he’d send letters sometimes. With trinkets. Remember when I said he’d buy a bunch of useless shit from me when he was travelling? Yeah, he kept doing that. I threw out all of it. I was so angry. Then there was…” Ben takes a shaky breath in, still looking at the ground,lifting his hands to rub his face, and Bucky knows he’s way back. He doesn’t think Ben would realize it if he even said anything, so he doesn’t, grasping onto the words despite the fog in his brain, desperate for it to make any sense. “Brock came back to me. He…he met me at a library I used to go to all the time, just…I was predictable. And he came to me. He said he needed my help. That he knew I was good with AI, that he needed me to plant wrong info about his whereabouts into the Avengers database. That he just had one thing to do, and that it’d be too risky with Captain America after him. He gave me a file filled to the brim with information about Stark's AI and…I laughed in his face. I told him I hoped he’d get caught. I told him…” Ben chokes again, voice breaking. “I told him he’d deserve it. And I left”

 

“And then he died” Bucky finishes the story, because he knows how this goes. He heard about Runlow dying, of course. That's what started the whole Accord thing, what got him discovered. 

 

“Yeah” Ben says, voice flat, lifting his head to meet his gaze, eyes misty but filled with anger. “Then he died. Your friend killed him”

“Ben, your brother…”

 

“Was awful. I know. Black Widow released the files, what, you think I didn’t read them? You think I don’t know what he did to all these people? To you ? I know he was sick. But he needed help . I wasn’t gonna do anything about it, you know. But then I was walking by the Avengers Tower once and you were there, inside, staring at the glass like it was gonna eat you, and I recognized you immediately . Hydra’s weapon of choice. Standing there, in Avengers Tower, and why? Because you needed help, and it was given to you. Why wasn’t the same given to Brock?”

 

“Don’t compare me to him” Bucky growls, because just the thought of Rumlow makes him want to break stuff. He struggles a bit more against the ropes.

 

“I turned my back on him. I wont do it twice. It’s only fair-”

 

“ Fair ?? Rumlow got killed because he was about to release a bioweapon onto the world. I’m here because you- you-”

 

“ I KNOW WHAT I DID !” Ben says, and then he pulls out a weapon from his belt, holding it at Bucky’s head. “I know what I did.” He repeats slowly, although his voice is shaky.

 

“How?” Bucky asks anyways, because if he’s gonna die here, he wants to know. He needs to know.

 

“Its…I’m not sure. At first I thought I would have to manipulate you into trusting me enough to go on this road trip without telling anyone. Bu then, I don’t know you…It’s like you never said no to anything I asked. Ever. Like my words were gospell. I thought it was a coincidence, at first, but then I noticed you were even more..uh… obedient when it was cold outside. And it clicked. Maybe because…Brock, he…was your handler, wasnt he?” Ben asked, still holding the gun, and its painful obvious that he has never used a gun in his life.

 

“Do you even know what that means?” Bucky asks dryly, staring at the barrel of the gun.

 

“It means…he was telling you what to do. And you listened. So maybe my resemblance to him-”

 

“I listened because I was tortured into listening. Do you understand what that means? Do you understand why I was ‘obediant’?”

 

“I…He was…He was sick. He didn’t…Brock wasn’t like that. He was good, deep down. I know he was” Ben says, taking a step closer, still holding the gun up.

 

Bucky doesn't look away or rear back, instead he leans forward on the chair as much as he can, until the metal’s creaking, just so he can press his forehead against the gun, gaze locked on Ben’s.

 

“You gonna shoot me, love? Then do it. Kill me to protect your dead brother’s honor. To hurt Steve. But that’s gonna stay with you forever. It will. Killing someone, it never goes away. And at the end of the day, your brother won't be back. There’ll just be one more dead guy.”

 

Ben cocks the gun, pushing a bit harder against Bucky’s skin, eyes still misty. Bucky can tell he doesn't want to do this, his hand is shaking so badly he can barely hold the gun. Jesus fucking Christ. 

 

“Don’t try to talk me out of it.”

 

“I’m trying to save you”

 

“From what, you ? Your friends?”

 

“No. From yourself.”

 

Ben swallows, taking a deep breath in, and anticipation fills the air. Bucky knows this moment will determine if he lives or die today. He doesn’t look away. Ben exhales shakily.

 

“I can't turn back now.” He says, and despite what Ben just said, Bucky knows he won. Ben wont go through with it. He can’t, because he’s already regretting it, thinking of a way out. And Bucky can help with that.

 

“You always have a choice, Ben.”

 

“They’ll- what, you think I can just go back? That Steve will let me get away with it? I can't!”

 

“I won't let them do anything to you. They’ll understand. I promise.”

 

Ben looks at him, unsure, but he pulls back the gun ever so slightly

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I love you” Bucky says. It's a simple truth, yet it hurts to admit. 

 

It's not a soul crushing love, not an all encompassing one like what he has with Steve. It doesn't keep him up at night, or make his heart feel like it's only beating for one reason. But it's there still. A small bloom of something that could've been. That could maybe still be.

 

Ben’s face falters slightly. He’s gonna lower the gun. 

 

But then Bucky hears something. Something coming fast, piercing the wind.

 

An arrow.

 

Fuck.

 

“DUCK!” He screams, and Ben listens.

 

It goes in slow motions, what happens next. Ben ducks, but the arrow is quicker. What was obviously aimed for his shoulder goes straight through his throat. He drops the gun, and Bucky hears a shot, feels a sting in his leg, but it doesnt matter. He’s already up, the metal off the chair torn off, rope sliding off his arms and legs. 

 

Ben falls to the ground, and Bucky follows, applying pressure on each sides. 

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He says, and Ben looks shocked, and he tries to takes breath in, choking on his own blood, spitting it out. 

 

No.

 

“Buck. are you hurt?” Bucky hears Steve’s voice behind him, but he can’t look away, his own breathing panicked at the sight of the quantity of blood coming from Ben’s mouth and wound. 

 

“Help him! You need to- Someone has to help him! Call…” He says, but Ben lifts a hand to press it on his chest, right over his heart, interrupting him.

 

“Jamie”

 

“Shh. Sh. Don’t try to talk. You have a-” Bucky exhales, eyes sliding down to the arrow stuck in Ben’s throat. “You’re hurt. We’re gonna…you can’t talk”

 

“I’m…so..rry” Ben chokes out, words out to make out through the blood, and Bucky’s heart shatters in a thousand pieces. 

 

“Hey. No. Hey. I forgive you. Dont do that I’m sorry crap. You’re not dying.” Bucky says, but the blood is running freely between his fingers, creating a small puddle under Ben’s head, and he knows there's no way he can get help on time.  

 

Ben knows, too, if the look on his face says anything. He shakes his head, and Bucky lets out a shaky breath.

 

“Smartass” He mumbles, and he thinks he sees a smile on Ben’s face, but he can’t tell. He’s crying again. He squeezes his eyes shut. 

 

“You” Ben says, forcing him to open his eyes again, and the other man’s face is serious now. And pale. So pale. He weakly pokes Bucky in the chest. “Good” He gurgles, and all Bucky can do is lean down and press a small kiss, their first, on Ben’s lips. 

 

“Yeah. You too” He says softly as he pull away, but its too late. Ben’s eyes are empty. 

 

He’s not there aymore.

 

Bucky killed him. 

 

He lets go of Ben’s neck, but doesn’t pull himself off, just staring down at his hands, at the blood covering them. He spends a few seconds like this before somebody moves, before he’s reminded that he wasn’t alone, here.

 

Someone crouches beside him.

 

“Buck…”

 

Steve. 

 

The last person Bucky should wants to see right now, but the only person he ever wants to see, really. He turns towards him.

 

“Steve” He says simply, and it sounds like an echo of a memory. His voice, broken, yet so grateful to be in Steve’s presence again. To have been granted at least another second with him. 

 

Steve simply reaches over, takes his hands and wipes the blood off of them. Just like that. Just like always. Then he kisses each palms. Thats new. Bucky doesnt deserve it, but he doesn’t pull away. 

 

“Hey” Steve says, and then he adds. “I thought you were dead” and Bucky’s pretty sure that Steve’s just reliving that memory, too. Bucky really needs to stop getting kidnapped.

 

“I’m not that lucky” Bucky says grimly, shattering the remnants of that memory. That Bucky wanted to live. He wanted to live pretty bad. 

 

He hadn’t realized yet who would pay for that mistake. 

 

Steve doesn’t comment, but Bucky feels his fingers tightening around his hands. Nat crouches beside them.

 

“Not to interrupt the moment, but you’re bleeding pretty bad, James. Wanna let me take a look at that leg?”

 

Bucky frowns.

 

“What?” He asks, looking down at himself, and yeah, he can see the bullet wound in his calf. He can’t feel it, tho. “I don’t…”

 

“Yeah, probably the adrenaline” Nat says before he even finished the sentence. We heard a gunshot when… well, it was probably a stray bullet. Come on. Up you go. Medical equipments’ in the quinjet” Nat says, and both her and Steve grab one of his arms to lift him up, carrying his weight towards the quinjet. 

 

Bucky knows what they’re doing. The logical thing to do when someone’s been shot is to take the medical equipment to them, not the other way around. They want to take him away from the body. He’s not gonna stop them. He can’t even look at it. Look at him .

 

His lips still taste like blood.

 

He’s silent the whole time Nat takes care of the wound. She blabs about how lucky he is the bullet went straight through, and that he’ll be back up in a few days tops, with his healing factor. He stares into the distance, somewhat aware of Steve sitting beside him. 

 

There's someone else in the room too, standing in a dark corner. Bucky’s haze makes him think it's a ghost for a second, but he has killed enough people to know those aren’t real. Ghosts are only in your head. The only place they haunt is your thoughts. 

 

The figure in the corner is tall, and dark, and worried . It knows Bucky sees it. It waves a hand around, and something green flies around him, and he feels…cleaner. Warmer. The figure goes away, but Bucky knows it was there. He’ll have to thank Loki.

 

Someone comes in at some point and Nat goes to talk with them. Bucky hears loads of whispers, but he doesn’t care enough to listen to them. He just stares ahead.

 

Then its Steve that gets up. Bucky lifts himself up as well, most likely ruining the work Nat had just done on his leg, but he doesnt care. He’s not letting Steve out of his sight.

 

Steve pushes him back down softly.

 

“I’ll just be talking with Nat over there.”

 

Bucky squints.

 

“And I can’t be there?”

 

Steve shakes his head apologetic.

 

“Sorry. I’ll make sure to stay in line of sight.”

 

Bucky gauges Steve for a second, looking at his options. It’s not like he can tie Steve down next to him

 

“Punk” he mumbles, slouching back down slightly, and Steve smiles at him, but he still walks away to whisper with Nat.

 

What's with all the whispering anyways? Its aggravating.

 

Steve walks back to him a few moments later, without Nat.

 

“Nat’ll be staying here to deal with…stuff”

 

“Alone?”

 

“Not alone” Steve says, but he doesn’t explain further. Bucky doesn't care. Steve is back beside him now. He can go back to staring ahead. 

 

After a little while, people walk into the quinjet, almost warily. First Tony, then Wanda, Vision, Sam, then Scott and finally Peter. Clint and Nat don’t come back, and Bucky assumes Bruce just simply didn't come. Bucky pretends he doesn't notice the way they look at him like a ticking bomb. All except for Peter, who doesn’t look at him at all.

 

Great.

 

This is all great. 

 

The ride back is silent, the quinjet feels like a tomb. Luckily, Bucky’s too busy staring ahead and counting Steve’s heartbeats to feel trapped. He’s at heartbeat 7682 when they finally land at the Tower. 

 

Its awkward at first, but people go out pretty much as slow as they came back in earlier, and Bucky stays in his seat. He’s got a lot of staring ahead to do. He isn't in any rush.

He can hear what sound s like a maybe argument outside the doors, which wouldn’t be of interest if the kid’s voice wasn’t one of the ones he’s hearing. He focuses.

 

“...just want to apologize because-”

 

“Peter, you didn’t do anything wrong. “ 

 

Tony. Huh.

 

“But if I had-”

 

“Peter.”

 

“Mr.Stark.”

 

“He’s not in any state to be talking to you, kid. Just go inside.”

 

“But I NEED to say sorry Mr-”

 

“Peter, this is non-negotiable.”

 

Bucky groans, and Steve tense beside him. He didnt ask why they werent moving, neither had he tried to get him out of the jet yet.

 

“What?”

 

“I gotta deal with this” Bucky says. He knows Steve’s got super hearing too. And that he’ a nosy bastard.

 

“Okay then” Steve says, lifting himself up and offering Bucky a hand. “Lets go deal with this”

 

Bucky nods, grabbing the hand, and he ignores the pain in his calf as his stumble forward towards the quinjet’s door, meeting face to face with Peter, Tony not far behind him.

 

“Oh. Hi.” Peter says awkwardly, and Bucky rolls his eyes. Then he pulls the kids into his arms.

 

“Don’t know what you’re sorry for, but stop.” He says grumpily before releasing him. “Now go away”

 

“No, I-”

 

“Peter.” Steve says beside him. “This is nobody’s fault. We’ll talk about this later, okay. I think Bucky needs rest, now.” He adds, and Peter hesitates before reluctantly nodding, stepping away and inside the Tower with Tony, not without looking back every few seconds. 

 

Bucky stares at the door, and he takes a decision then. 

 

“Steve. I won’t go back in”

 

Silence hangs in the air for a second before Steve speaks again, tone very badly hiding his anxiety.

 

“What?”

 

“I can’t go back in there.”

 

“Why not? Its home Buck.”

 

“I can’t. I’m not fixed. I need… Wakanda.”

 

“I…Are you sure?”

 

“Come with me?” Bucky asks, still not looking at Steve. He can’t, at the moment. But he’s still counting his heartbeat. 8897.

 

“Of course Buck.” Steve says softly, but its sad. “If thats what you want.”

 

Bucky feels bad to rip Steve away from here. But he can’t let him out of sight. It’s important, it’s…vital. 

 

Steve doesn’t go back inside to get their things. He stays right there with Bucky, because Bucky asks him. It’s Pepper that comes up with everything. She looks sad when she comes out. Bucky thinks she hugs him, but he’s busy staring at the door. 10589.

 

She says something about taking care of Alpine until he gets better. That feels wrong, but Alpine would hate the plane. He knows that. And she has a favorite spot under the couch. He nods. 

 

Steve whispers some more. Bucky doesn’t care what he says, because it doesn’t matter. His heart is still beating. 10695.

 

He doesn’t say goodbye to anyone. Neither does Steve. People’ll stop them if they know. They’ll say sweet nothings, they’ll say anything. Bucky doesn’t want to hear it. He wants to be fixed. 

 

He’ll get fixed, and when he’s rid of the curse, he’ll come back for them. 

 

11000.

Chapter 36

Notes:

IM BACK
Sorry for the awfully long time that took lmao
I'm really trying to write when I can, but shit's been happening all around lmao, so it's been a struggle

ANYWAYS, NEW CHAPTER IS HEREEEE
Hope you guys are ready for the astounding amount of Stucky you're about to get in the next few chapters :)))
Enjoyyyy

Steve looks different when he sleeps. Young, almost. Peaceful. 

 

Bucky knows, because he’s been tracing the lines of his sleeping face for about 6 hours and a half now. It's weird, looking at a face that you know so well it sometimes feels like it's written in your DNA, and yet still never getting tired of it. Bucky thinks he used to watch Steve sleep too, before. He guesses he never picked it back up because waking up to an ex-brainwashed killer staring at you would've been weird for anyone, and he wasn't trying to look even creepier than he felt.

 

None of this matters now. Time is the one thing he’ll never be able to control, and it's slipping away. So if he wants to stare at Steve’s face until he can see it with his eyes closed, he will.

Steve shifts slightly in the bed, a tad closer to where Bucky is leaning back on the bedframe and tilting his face up, letting out a small sigh, almost like he can hear Bucky’s thoughts and is exasperatedly giving him what he wants. If Bucky remembered how to smile, he probably would.

 

Instead, he tentatively lifts his metal hand to push away a small strand of hair off of his friend’s forehead. They’re getting longer. Same as his stubble, but Bucky won't say anything about it, because he likes seeing Steve with a beard. It’s different. Sometimes, it makes Steve feel a little more real when Bucky looks at him. 

 

340 751.

 

Bucky lets his hand wander down to the stubble, frowning at the feel of it on his metal limb, but he keeps tracing Steve’s jaw, curious. He’s not sure that’s right. He’ll have to test it with his regular hand, one of these days. 

 

His hand ends its course on Steve’s chest, right above his heart. Sometimes the sound of it is just not enough for him. He has to feel it. Steve doesn't mind awake. He won't mind asleep either, right? 

 

Except his heart is beating a little faster than it should now. Bucky frowns at Steve’s chest, almost mad. It's harder to keep count when it's not its usual rhythm. 

 

Maybe Steve is having a nightmare. Bucky’s eyes trail back up to Steve’s face to check and…oh. 

 

Well that's awkward. Steve is staring right at him. Bucky’s hand slips off his chest. Steve’s heart misses a beat now. Bucky's frown turns into a scowl, and he moves his gaze to the ceiling. This is too much.

 

“Your heart ain’t beating right” He grumbles, and Steve lets out a little disbelieving scoff, pushing himself up on his elbow. 

 

“Neither is yours, pal” 

 

Bucky keeps frowning at the ceiling. That's how most conversations he has with people go, now. Two sentences. He can rarely endure more. It makes Steve worry, but not Shuri, so Bucky thinks he’s alright. 

 

She’s the only one that treats him normally around here. And by treating him normally he means speaks at him until she runs out of things to say, which is basically never. She keeps saying it's awkward he refuses to let Steve out of sight because there's things she doesn't want Captain America to hear, but Bucky knows she’s just trying to get him to act normal again by sort of talking him into it. Hasn’t worked yet. He knows his therapist would have a field day talking about codependency.

 

340 904.

 

Steve lets out a sigh once he realizes Bucky won't be answering, plopping back on the mattress. 

 

“You slept any, Buck?” He asks, and Bucky turns his head to look at him, eyebrow raised, unimpressed. They both know the answer to that. Steve looks back at him like a worried, angry mother hen, and it takes everything in Bucky not to roll his eyes. “You’re gonna have to sleep at some point. We got here four days ago.”

 

Bucky doesn't know how to say he can't because it's impossible to make sure Steve stays alive if he’s asleep. So he just flicks him on the forehead instead, earning himself a frustrated groan.

 

“You know, there used to be a time where you listened to me”

 

It’s Bucky’s time to huff.

 

“Well now that's just a plain lie, pal”

 

Steve snorts, a sound he doesn't make often, but that softens Bucky to the core. It’s not a Captain America sound. It's a Stevie sound. He’s been acting more like a Steve than a Cap from the moment they stepped here. Maybe it's got something to do with not being at Avengers Towers all the time. 

 

Anyways, Bucky noticed it. And he notices the face Steve pulls now, a semi-amused-mostly-annoyed one. 

 

“Alright, I guess there used to be a time where you took my words more seriously then”

 

Bucky hums. It’s not really true, or really a lie. He was always very stubborn when Steve’s life hung in the balance. The only thing is it happened a lot less before, and Steve was mostly too sick to even know about it back then. So Bucky just hums. It’s pointless to argue. 

 

Steve seems to think so too, since their room fills up with peaceful silence again after that. The sunlight barely filters through the drapes, and Steve’s heartbeat settles to a much more relaxed rhythm. It’d be good enough to lull any man to sleep. If not for, you know, the constant and all-encompassing sense of impending doom. 

 

Bucky’s eyes stay open. Steve’s too, but his hand finds Bucky’s metal one, tracing each strand of metal half-mindedly as they both lay in bed knowing that absolutely nobody is waiting for them to get up and face the world. Bucky could get used to this. 

 

Except, of course, it doesn't last. 

 

A knock on the door startles them both, effectively ruining Bucky’s little fantasy of them being the only two people in the world, and he scowls at the door like it personally offended him.

 

“Come in!” Steve shouts from their now sitting up position on the bed, also grumpy although he’s much better than Bucky at hiding it. And he probably wouldn't take his frustration out on the door. Probably

 

Shuri comes in like she owns the place (which admittedly, she kind of does), rolling her eyes playfully as she catches his scowling.

 

“If you throw a pillow at me, please don’t aim for the head, white wolf.” She says sarcastically, although Bucky knows she probably wouldn't stand for any pillow throwing at all. 

 

He considers it anyways

 

“Shuri? Whats up?” Steve asks, obviously surprised. 

 

Shuri’s been present since they got here, but she was also not usually keeping them on a tight schedule. It's weird she’d come knocking this early. 

 

“You’ve got a visitor, Captain.” Shuri announces, demeanor darkening ever so slightly.

 

Steve’s up before Bucky even knows it, picking up some clothes from on the ground.

 

“Tony?” He asks, and Bucky tenses. 

 

Shuri coming into his space to let him know Tony’s visiting. He’s seen this film before. 

 

She nods at Steve’s question, eyes finding Bucky like she’s reading his mind, but he doesn't have time for that. Steve’s getting ready to leave the room. He gets up, heading beside Shuri to wait as Steve throws on a shirt and tells them to look away as he changes into jeans. 

 

Bucky’s not gonna get out of his sweatpants OR put on a shirt for Tony Stark. He can deal with it, or visit during the afternoon next time.

They head towards the room where Bucky guesses they’re trying to keep Tony from raiding the place to find them. He tunes into his superhearing, Steve too focused on trying to get answers that she doesnt have out of Shuri to notice anyways. It takes a little while of them walking before he hears something.

It’s…Ayo? And Tony. Arguing?

He pushes all the rest to the back of his mind, walking a tad bit closser to try and get closer to the sound.

“I simply don’t understand how a simple… boy , could break through your security. You assured us that you would keep a close eye on him”

“And we did . We did multiple background check on him. He was also followed home for weeks. There was nothing suspicious about him. He was working alone. He was… believable ” Tony snarks back at Ayo, and Bucky tries really hard not to grit his teeth, walking further through the complicated corridors.

Believable? Ben was real . 

 

Was is the keyword here.

 

“Didn’t his last name ring any red flags?” 

 

“He…changed it. In our database. For Roodshell. He was able to break into my AI, to change his last name and erase all trace of his brother that Friday could have linked to him, too.”

“Roodshell? As in crossbone?”

The silence following Ayo’s question is so loud Bucky wonder if the wall is too thick for him to hear anymore. That is, until Tony curses, of course.

“The clever son of a bitch”

“You need better security, if you weren’t able to catch on this. This could’ve had terrible consequences. If the Winter Soldier came back…”

“Oh so it’s our fault, is it? Wasn’t he supposed to be all free of the conditioning?” Tony asks, and Bucky’s so focused on listening he doesn’t even realize that they’re now actively walking into the room where the fight is happening until he nearly walks straight into Steve’s back. 

 

“Tony.” Steve says, and Tony’s head snaps to them.

 

“Oh, look who’s up. Hello, sleeping beauties” 

 

“What are you doing here?” Bucky asks immediately, because he left for a reason, and if he must look Tony straight in the face and tell him he doesnt want him here, he will. 

 

“Well, what does it look like I’m doing, Bucko? Driving you home from the sleepover. The four days sleepover. Whatever”

“Tony” Steve says again, his voice slightly apologetic, but Tony doesn’t even look at him, and thats how Bucky knows their irish exit really hurt him

“Go put on a shirt, Bucket, we’re about to leave. Or don’t. Not complaining either way” Tony shrugs, and Bucky opens his mouth but Steve speaks before he can

 

“We’re not coming back, Tony. Not yet”

 

Now Tony looks at Steve, and Bucky can see the bubbling anger simmering behind the surface. He steps a bit closer to Steve.

 

“Oh, not yet , is that right? What's wrong, I interrupted the honeymoon?”

 

“I don’t want to come back, Tony” Bucky says harshly, interrupting him before he starts throwing insults at Steve.

 

“Why not?” Tony asks, more visibly irritated now

“Its not safe”

 

“Oh come on, did they drill that into you head? I spent the last days making sure that Friday was-”

 

“For you, Tony. It’s not safe for you. Any of you” Bucky adds, before he keeps on rambling. 

 

Tony’s mouth snaps shut, surprised, but the silence in the room is loud. Nobody dares say anything to break it, to deny or affirm Bucky’s statement. 

 

“We’ll come back, Stark.” Bucky affirms. “I just need to…” Get rid of a curse . “..figure out a few things, first.”

 

“If this is about the fact Rumlow junior was able to control you…”

 

“Tony” Steve says again, and Bucky is starting to wonder if he knows how to say anything else.

 

“I’m just saying Cap, we have professionals in New York, too. And they probably wouldn’t botch the work like -”

 

“He’s not a work to be botched, Tony. He’s a person. And he wants to be here. So let it go” Steve snaps, annoyed, and Bucky hears Shuri snort beside him.

 

Its not funny. None of it. It makes him smile, tho, the first smile he managed since they’ve been here, at the worst absolute moment, of course. She really doesn't take things seriously. Tony frowns at them.

 

“I’m glad you two are having fun” He snaps, voice like glass, and Bucky really should've known that would happen, considering how dramatic Tony always is.

 

“Now, now, what is this about?” The familiar voice of T'challa sounds behind them, and Bucky turns, nodding to acknowledge him, the king nodding back at him with a confused twinkle of amusement in his eyes. “We weren’t expecting you, Mr.Stark” 

 

“Thats a lie.” Tony says, pointing at him. “There was the equivalent of the US air force waiting for me at that magical invisible gate of yours.” Tony huffs, crossing his arms on his chest.

 

“Alright well, we expected…someone. We didn't want to take chances, considering what happened to Bucky in your country. We couldn't know for sure that Benjamin Rumlow was working alone.”

 

“He was.” Bucky says, voice dropping to an almost menacing tone. It's not the first time they have this conversation. “He wasn’t with Hydra.”

 

“But we couldn’t know for sure” T’challa insists, and they have what could be considered a staring contest if you forget that Bucky is just a guest here and he doesn't even really know why he’s standing up for Ben. He’s dead. It doesn't matter.

 

Except it does.

 

“Okay can we stop…whatever’s happening there and focus back on the issue here?”

 

“We’re not coming back, Tony. End of story.” Steve says with his Cap voice, and maybe Bucky shivers or maybe not. He’s not wearing a shirt, after all. It’s probably the AC.

 

“Oh, end of story, is it?” Tony snaps back, eyes finding Bucky. “So that’s it, you’re just gonna come back here all kumbaya and forget about us? Do you know the kid’s been moping around for days? He hasn’t even put on his suit since you left. Bruce threw all the drug research in the trash. Asked Friday to delete the whole thing. Clint is…well honestly I haven't seen much of him. I think he’s in the vents. Nat’s-”

 

“Okay. Enough” Bucky says, interrupting him. Tony doesn't understand he’s doing this for them. But he knows. “I know what I’m doing. You’re gonna have to trust me on this. Can you do that? Go back to the Tower and tell them I’ll be back soon and to stop worrying about me.”

 

Tony hesitates.

 

“I’m not a messenger” 

 

“I know. But I think you’re a friend. Please? Can you do that for me?”

 

“I’m feeling manipulated. Am I being manipulated?” Tony asks, looking around like someone’s gonna answer him, but Bucky knows he’s won that round when he throws his arms up. “Whatever. Fine. I’ll do it. But I don’t know if they’ll actually listen. They never do. Except maybe when it comes from that guy” He says, gesturing to Steve, who softens a bit

 

Bucky snorts.

 

“I know. But it’d mean a lot if you at least tried to keep them away from..” Me . “..here”

 

Tony scans his face, letting out a big sigh. 

 

“Alright. Consider it done. The trying, I mean”

 

“Thanks Tony”

 

“Yeah yeah. Don’t get used to it. I’m just doing it cause you’re shirtless and looking at me with sad puppy eyes”

 

Steve clears his throat at this. 

 

“Alright, are we done here?” 

 

“We’re done here” Ayo confirms, and Tony huffs, offended, but he doesn’t protest, which is a win in Bucky’s book. “I’ll escort Mr Stark to his plane”

 

“I’m not a criminal” Tony says as he starts walking away

 

“We know, Stark. we know” Tchalla says, winking at Bucky before slipping away with Ayo and Tony, their friend sending them a last confused waves he’s basically dragged away.

 

A few seconds after he left the room, silence hanging in the air, Shuri nudges him playfully. 

 

“You’re telling me you lived for months with that drama queen and didn't come running back earlier?”

 

“Kept me entertained” Bucky shrugs, a fond smile on his face as Steve sighs.

 

“Oh, entertained is not the word I’d use” He says, running a hand through his messy hair, the soft sleepy look returning to his face now that Tony left. Jesus Christ. Bucky looks away, making his way out of the room now that Tony’s gone, not seeing the point in staying here any longer anyways.

 

“Are you sure being here is the right thing for you, white wolf?” Shuri asks, and Bucky stops walking as suddenly as he had started.

 

“What?”

 

“You smiled. Twice. And this is the longer I’ve heard you talked since you set foot here. So I’m asking if you really think being away from these people is what’s best for you” 

 

Bucky looks at her, determination set in stone.

 

“Its whats best for them”

 

“Buck-”

 

“Fine.” Shuri interrupts Steve, nodding. “If you’re sure”

 

“I am” He repeats, and Steve lets out another sigh, Bucky finding his face. “What?”

 

“Nothing. I just realized that's probably how most people feel when they’re talking to me.”

 

Bucky smirks, now awfully hyper aware of the way his lips tug up.

 

“Payback’s a bitch”

 

Steve huffs, and with that, Shuri walks past them and out of the room, wiggling her brows. Bucky rolls his eyes, but Steve pulls him away towards their room, grumbling about a shirt. 

 

 343 367

Chapter 37

Notes:

LMAOOOOO LITERALLY UPDATED THIS CHAPTER ON THE WRONG FIC. Well, now that I'm back on the right one, there you go:

BTW, none of what is happening in this chapter was meant to happen this way or at this times, but sometimes I just gotta let my boys decide what they wanna do. I'm just the hands that writes it to life lmaoooo

HOPE YOU ENJOYYYY

It comes from behind. A blast. They’re on the ground, Steve too, the shield’s in front of him, and he doesn’t think. He grabs it, lifting himself up and shooting at…whatever that Hydra robot thing is. 

 

Bucky does not expect the next blast to blow him away. He doesn't know how he gets a hold on the train. He only feels the cold wind against his face, excruciating pain running through his arm with what feels like a flood of blood. At least the blood is warm. 

 

He looks up, suddenly weirdly aware that he actually knows what comes next. Steve’s gonna try to grab his hand. He won't manage. Bucky’ll fall. He didn't forget. He didn't forget the look on Steve’s face.

 

So Bucky’s not surprised when Steve’s head pokes out and, and Brock Rumlow-

 

Wait.

 

The man is holding Steve by the hair. He’s passed out. Bucky doesn’t understand. This isn't how it goes.

 

“Hey, Soldat?” Rumlow calls on him, the expression on his face turning to pure rage and hate. “Duck.”

 

And with that, he throws Steve’s unconscious body at Bucky, forcing him to let go of the railing to hold on to him.

 

No. No. Nonono.

 

This isnt how it goes. He has to stop this, he has to save Steve, he has to hold him tighter, take the brunt of the fall, he has to-

“Bucky!” Steve’s voice startles him awake, and Bucky chokes on a breath, blinking a few times, heart racing. 

 

“Steve?” He asks, still confused, realizing he has his arms wrapped around Steve tightly, too tightly, and the look on his friend’s face is mildly panicked, so Bucky has to force himself to loosen the hold.

 

It was just a dream. Just a dream. 

 

“Yeah, it's me. I’m here” Steve says, then he guides one of Bucky’s hands to his heart, which is beating quicker than usual, but it's beating. 

 

It should be calming, except Bucky fell asleep, and his mind is fuzzy and he doesn't know how many beats it's been since he passed out, or where to start counting. He can’t breathe at all. He failed. 

 

“I lost count” He says, panicked, and Steve’s hand remains on his, placed over his heart.

 

“Let's start over then” Steve says, and Bucky frowns

 

“What?”

 

“Let's start over. Count of three, alright?” 

 

Bucky knows this is stupid. Nobody keeps count of people’s heartbeat. He’s acting crazy. 

 

But Steve counts down from three, and then they’re counting his heartbeats together, voices low in the dark room, and that just makes sense. It does. They’re not falling off a train. Steve’s alive. It makes sense. 

 

If he’s going crazy, then at least he’s not doing it alone. 

 

“You wanna tell me what that was about?” His friend asks, and Bucky scoffs

 

What a stupid question

 

“No”

 

“You have to talk to someone , Buck”

 

“Says who?”

 

“Says me”

 

Bucky doesn't answer, but he has a very bad feeling Steve wont let this go. 

 

He’s right.

 

“Did you dream of him?” Steve asks, voice a whisper, and Bucky wonders who that question hurts more between the two of them.

“Not really” Bucky answers, hesitant. He doesn't want to talk about it, but leaving Steve hanging feels wrong, not when he just woke him up by having a nightmare like a child.

 

“Not really?”

 

“It was…related. But he wasn't there” Bucky says, heart heavy in his chest. 

 

Silence fills the room again, an awkward, hesitant silence. It last so long Bucky wonders if Steve fell back asleep.

 

He didn’t

 

“It wasn’t your fault, you know.” His friend’s voice sounds into the darkness of the room, and Bucky freezes.

 

He knew this conversation was coming. He was expecting it. Steve always excuses everything he does. He thought he was ready to hear it, ready to argue it. But he just feels so tired, words dying in his mouth as his head goes empty. 

 

“Buck? Do you hear me?”

 

Bucky shifts on the bed, hand slipping from Steve’s chest, turning his back to him. He doesn’t get it. As much as Steve is the only one sometimes who can truly understand how Bucky feels, this time, he knows it's a lost cause. How could anyone possibly relate to what happened there?  

 

“Bucky.” Steve says again, cutting through Bucky’s thoughts, voice more insistent. “It wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”

 

What an interesting turn of event. So, how did Steve manage to blame himself this time? Bucky’s bet is that it's probably something about not getting there on time or-

 

“I was gonna kill him. Clint shot Ben cause I was about to kill him.”

 

What?

 

Bucky doesn't even have time to register it before Steve starts again.

 

“I was seeing red. As soon as we walked off the jet I just took off, Clint only shot him cause he thought if Ben was injured and not pointing his gun at you anymore I probably would focus my attention on freeing you. It's not your fault the arrow was shot. It's mine.” 

 

Bucky stares ahead at the wall for a minute, taking a second to absorb the new information, to push it down with the rest. To rationalize it. He can feel Steve behind him, and when he shifts again to face him, his face is so guilty, so apologetic, that Bucky hates himself even more. He didn't think that was possible.  

“That doesn’t change anything” Bucky whispers, exhaustion seeping into his voice.

 

“We both know thats not true”

 

“Steve. The only reason you would have killed him was cause he had me .” Bucky says, voice shaking at the end of the sentence, eyes locked on Steve. “Ben’s blood is on my hands, Steve. Not yours. Not Clint’s. If you’d killed him, I’d still say the same.” 

 

“You did nothing wrong Buck. You were the vic-”

 

“The victim. Yeah. Aren’t I always?” Bucky says bitterly. “Knowing that doesn’t make any of it better, Steve. It doesn't take away the weight of another body added to the count.”

 

Steve searches his face, and Bucky sees his hand twitch, like he has to hold it back from reaching his face. He wishes he wouldn’t.

 

“I could help you carry it, if you’d let me.”

 

“That's not how it works, Stevie.” Bucky says, heaviness settled in the air, and he feels it in his lungs whenever he takes a breath. 

 

“Then how can I help?”

 

You can’t

 

“You are”

 

Somehow, Bucky feels deep down both of these statements are true. He doesn’t know how, but after the aliens, he stopped wondering about what was possible and what wasn’t. Things just are, and then you deal with them.

 

Steve lets out a sigh, clearly not satisfied with that answer, and Bucky hates the fact that despite the fact Steve doesn’t move a muscle, he feels him drifting away anyways. Maybe he should let it happen. He doesn’t want to.

 

He’ll always be selfish when it comes to Steve.

 

Before Steve can open his mouth to speak again, Bucky’s eyes trail to the clock on the wall, showing him they’re well into the night. An idea bloom in his head anyways, anything to get Steve to stop talking about this.

 

“Pancakes” He says, and Steve frowns, obviously confused.

 

“What?”

 

“That's another thing you could do to help me. Pancakes. I’m craving it.”

 

“Buck, it's the middle of the night”

 

“So what?” Bucky asks teasingly, and Steve’s lips tugs up slightly in an amused smile.

 

Boom. Done it. Bucky would high five himself if it wouldn’t make him look like a lunatic.

“Do you even know where the kitchen is?” Steve asks, playfully exasperated, but he’s starting to sit up, stretching his arms out, and Bucky follows suit.

 

“I mean…we can find it?” 

 

“Fine. But if I burn down the building, I’m blaming you”

 

“Deal” Bucky grins, and its feels almost natural, weirdly contrasting with the heaviness of the previous conversation. God isn’t he the greatest at pushing it all down. Should write that on his resume or something.

 

They lift themselves up the bed, slipping out of the room and into the corridors. Bucky knows realistically he could probably ask Griot to show them the way to the kitchens, but they have fun slipping in and out of rooms they probably have no business being in, whispering and chuckling like two kids up to no good. It takes them a while, but eventually they make it to a kitchen, which is entirely too big for what they need, but then again they live with the King, so that's not so surprising. 

 

Its a bit awkward to look in the pantries and fridge, knowing they’re guests, but Bucky knows for a fact neither T’challa or Shuri would mind as long as they’re respectful and clean up after themselves. 

 

They take what they need, the kitchen filling with comfortable silence as they get to work. It’s not a bad thing, but it's slightly off, not like Bucky think it used to be. He turns to look at Steve.

 

“It’s…”

 

“Quiet. I know. No brooklyn traffic here” Steve says, smiling softly and whispering although no one can hear, like disturbing the peace of the room feels weird. 

“Or music.” Bucky points out, breaking an egg in the bowl Steve is holding. “There was always music” he adds almost hesitantly, bittersweet memories flooding in. 

 

“Yeah.” Steve says. “I don't think we ever really turned off that old radio” Steve's smile grows on his face, and unlike Bucky, he doesn’t seem overtaken by nostalgia. Just…happy. How lucky he is.

 

“Wonder where it is now”

 

“Probably off in some museum. Or trash.” Steve says, smile faltering slightly, and Bucky feels bad, but then music starts playing, Bucky doesn’t know from where. Old music, with bad sound, exactly like it would play out of their old shitty broken radio, and Bucky looks around the room.

 

Either Griot or Shuri worked their magic, he’s thankful either way. He hopes they know. 

 

The volume is low, and Steve grins happily at the ceiling as well, chuckling in disbelief. 

 

“Looks like we have a crowd” He says playfully. 

 

“As long as they don’t take cooking advice from you, whoever it is should be safe” Bucky tease, and Steve glares at him, but there's no real anger behind it. Bucky just winks, successfully wiping it off Steve’s face before turning his attention back to the bowl of pancake mix his friend has been mixing, dipping his pinky in it to taste, humming approvingly.

 

“Not bad for someone people shouldn’t take cooking advice from, huh?”

 

“You were supervised.” Bucky points out, reaching in the bowl again but Steve moves it out of reach.

 

“Nope. You lost pancake mix privilege” 

 

“Aw, come on. That’s cruel. Can’t I enjoy it before you try cooking it and it catches on fire or something?”

 

“Ha ha. Very funny, Buck. You should be a comedian” Steve says flatly, pulling away again when Bucky reaches for the bowl, and then trying to dodge his other hand, the pancake mix not liking the sudden moves, splashing all over the floor….and Bucky. 

 

There's a second of silence as they both look at the mess, and then Steve starts laughing. Like, hysterically laughing, and Bucky stands there, mouth open in amused shock, pancake mix dripping from his hair, his whole shirt covered in it. He lets out a disbelieving huff and Steve laughs even more, knees buckling a bit under him.

 

“Okay, it cannot be that funny” Bucky says, but his voice betrays his amusement, and Steve’s laugh is contagious, swooping him along. 

 

“You got enough or…?” Steve asks and Bucky shakes his head, smirk dancing on his face.

 

“Oh, you’re gonna pay for that, Rogers.” He says, reaching for the bowl, but Steve is faster than him, holding it up.

 

“Alright, truce, truce!” He shouts, grin still evident on his face. “If we keep at this, we wont have any actual pancakes to eat. Let me help you get cleaned up” Steve says, and Bucky squints, balancing between getting his revenge or eating pancakes, but eventually the smile on Steve’s face wins him over, and he lets out a sigh. 

 

“Fine. But this isn't over” Bucky warns, lifting a finger at Steve, who rolls his eyes playfully, reaching for a dishcloth nearby. Bucky leans back against the counter holding out a hand for the cloth, but Steve doesn’t see it (or at least pretends to), reaching out himself to wipe the mix off Bucky’s hair at first, then his face. Bucky freezes, unsure what to do. The air fills with tension that wasn’t there just a few minutes ago, the kind of tension Bucky isn't sure how to deal with anymore. Steve’s wiping every bit of the mix almost tenderly off of his skin, and when he starts going down his neck, Bucky reaches up, hand wrapping around Steve’s wrist.

 

“I can take care of it”

 

“I know” Steve says, not fighting against the hold to keep going, but not pulling away either. Bucky can feel the heat radiating off his body from how close he’s standing. “I want to do it” Steve adds, with a boldness that Bucky’s seen rarely used on him. 

 

He should push back. 

 

Again, Bucky’s always going to be selfish when it comes to Steve. He lets go of his wrist. 

 

So many things left unsaid. Yet he doesn’t move away when Steve shifts closer, when his bare hand traces the other side of Bucky’s neck, and it becomes obvious this isn’t about pancake mix. When he leans down, and Bucky’s face tilts up, and for a moment he thinks that there it is, that it's going to happen. 

 

Of course, destiny is against them, so. 

 

“What is going on here?” a loud, demanding voice sounds from behind Bucky, and he swirls around so fast Steve stumbles backwards. 

 

“Okoye” Bucky says, clearing his throat, snapped out of the weird trance he was in a few instants ago. “Hi. Uh. Pancakes” He says, gesturing to the mess around them, and the Dora Milaje looks at him up and down, obviously unimpressed. 

 

Bucky’s fairly certain is red in the face. He hates this. He can feel Steve’s presence behind him as well, and that's also distracting, and awkward. 

 

“Pancakes?” She repeats, eyebrow raised, eyes going between Steve and Bucky.

 

“Yes ma’am. Pancakes” Steve backs him up, and it's not technically a lie.They were making pancakes. Nothing else than pancakes happened. 

 

“Is there a reason half of the recipe is on the floor?”

 

“Steve’s clumsy” Bucky sighs, gesturing at him, and Steve scowls, but doesn’t argue. Bucky has to hold back a smirk. 

 

Okoye hesitates a few more moments, squinting at them. 

 

“There are designed times and places to eat. Please follow them next time. And for the love of Orisha, clean up after yourselves”

 

“That's what we were about to do actually” Steve chimes in, and Okoye stares him down.

 

“I’m sure you were.” She says, and then she turns around, leaving them in the awkward tension. 

 

This can’t keep happening. Seriously. 

 

He swirls back towards Steve slowly, scrunching up his face. 

 

“Buck…” Steve says, taking a step forwards, and then Bucky panics.

 

Full on panics.

 

Because he wants to kiss Steve. He wants to pull him right back and say fuck it and just stop playing around and pretending. He wants it so badly . But he can still taste the blood on his mouth from the last time he kissed anyone, just a little more than a week ago. And Steve almost lost himself and killed someone for him . And every good thing Bucky touches turns to dust, and maybe Steve survived it till then, but that doesn’t mean he should test it more than they did already. 

 

But Bucky wants and wants and wants so much it eats him up inside, just like it used to back in the day, and he might throw up. He backs away.

 

“I’m gonna go for a walk” He says, words flowing out of his mouth so quickly even he is taken aback. Steve frowns

 

“Wait-”

 

“Sorry about the pancakes. I’ll come back to clean it up later.” Bucky says, swirling around and exiting the kitchen. Steve comes after him, grabbing his arm and forcing him to look back.

 

Jesus fucking Christ.

 

“Let me go.”

 

“No. You don’t get to do this anymore, Buck” Steve states, and Bucky jaw tenses.

 

“Do what?”

 

Steve barks out a laugh at that.

 

“Oh really? Seriously? You’re gonna act clueless now?”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying I love you. And you can either love me back or not, but you gotta stop the games. I can’t keep up anymore.” Steve says, and Bucky’s jaw falls slack. 

 

“Steve…” He says, a little choked, and Steve lets go of his arm. 

 

“You can walk away now. And I’ll never mention it again. But if you want this half as bad as I do…” Steve trails off, his voice betraying his emotions, the doubt, the longing. 

 

Bucky’s backed up to a wall now. He has to choose. 

 

Steve loves him .

 

He wants him. Despite everything, Steve wants him. He deserves so much more , but he wants Bucky . Isn’t that fucking crazy?

 

And Bucky wants him back. Loves him back. Of course he does, how could he not? But Bucky doesn't know how to want anymore, it was always drilled so hard into head, even before he was the Winter Soldier, that he shouldnt allow himself to want. He just doesn’t know how to deal with getting what he wants at all. Want was always a rotting feeling for him. 

 

He hesitates too long, staring like a deer in headlights, and something dies in Steve’s eyes. He turns around, walking away. 

 

This is cruel. And unfair. Bucky wishes he lived a life where getting a love confession wouldn't start a war against his own mind. 

 

Well, this isn’t the first war Bucky has fought. Maybe it should be the first one he wins. 

 

He runs after Steve. And he means literally run, which might seem stupid considering the fact Steve’s only a few steps away now, but if he doesn’t run, Bucky just won’t go. He can’t think about this too hard. He runs to Steve because he loves him, and he knows that won't ever go away, no matter how hard he tries to convince himself it will. He runs to Steve, and when he turns back towards him, surprised and teary eyed, Bucky pulls him down into a kiss.

 

It’s messy, and it kinda tastes like raw pancake mix and morning breath, but it's like a puzzle piece clicks inside of Bucky, like the stars align and time stops. There's no fireworks, but it feels better, bigger than this. It feels right. Steve gasps against the kiss, trailing his hands up to the back of Bucky’s head, finger intertwining in his hair, and Bucky just about loses it, mind reeling. It feels like his brain short-circuits, and his body acts on its own, hands finding Steve’s waist and pulling him infinitely closer. They keep kissing until they have to come up for air, Steve pulling back ever so slightly, forehead resting against Bucky’s, letting out a small, breathless chuckle, so much happiness gleaming in his eyes that it hurts Bucky’s chest with how much his heart swells. 

 

Steve’s mouth doesn’t taste like blood. 

 

Maybe its wrong that this is his first thought. But he’d forgotten what it felt like to kiss someone because you want to. 

 

They take a few seconds like this, breath mingling, just basking in it, before Bucky speaks up, because he has to. 

 

“Steve. I don’t know if I can be what you need me to be. If I can..give you what you want.” He whispers, because there are things that he’s not ready for, things he doesn’t know when, or if, he’ll ever be ready for. 

 

Steve hand, still at the back of his head, stroke gently the strands of hair, eyes searching Bucky’s face again.

 

“I don’t need you to be anything .” He whispers back. “And I don’t care what you can give me. I just want you. I just want this. And if this is all you’re able to give me forever, then so be it, Buck. I don’t care. I love you ” He insists, and Bucky’s eyes shutter close, because tears are threateningly close to spilling out. 

 

“I love you too” Bucky speaks, and it sounds sad, and broken, like it never should. 

 

Steve doesn’t point it out. He just holds him like that, until the sun rises and the world comes alive, and they have to move.

Notes:

Steve fr like 'Hey bbg, heard your bf died :( RIP. You free tonight?'

ALSO, before the horny ones of yall start panicking, this wont be the only thing Bucky will ever be ready to do. Please remember he is a survivor of SA in this ficcccc, so be mindful. He'll come around eventually. For now, you get the cute stuff

Chapter 38

Notes:

Alright there we go yalllll
I know I havent been uploading as often lately, really trying to get better at this but life is REALLY fucking me bad lmaooo

Maybe its Karma for making Bucky go through all that 👀 Ao3 curse hitting me straight on

Anyways, hope you like this chapter!!

Bucky has no idea where they’re going.

Can’t say that's a new feeling, really. He mostly has no idea where anything is going, at any time. Sometimes, it feels like his whole life is a story, and the person writing it is having a little too much fun sending him up and down rollercoasters. Asshole. 

 

Anyways, Bucky doesn't have any idea where he’s going right now, with Shuri beside him, but she was very insistent that she needed them to come with her ASAP when she stormed into their room, right when they started talking about...what happened. And now he’s walking in the forest with her, while T'challa has Steve walking suspiciously up ahead. That feels a little too purposeful, the way they're being held apart, and the weird tension in the air like Shuri has to try really hard to keep something in and she's just about to explode. Bucky sighs.

 

“So, you know” He says, and she turns to him, smirking, her face showing anticipation like thats all she was waiting for.

 

“Know what?”

 

“You know...what you know”

 

“You talking about the make out session in the hallway or the fact that, and let me quote Okoye here, ‘You and Captain Rogers were being inappropriate in the kitchen’?” She grins, and Bucky chokes a little

 

“We weren’t being inappropriate , it was- We were making pancakes.”

 

“...Is that a euphemism?”

 

“No. It isn’t. Jesus . It was just, it was pancakes, and thats it!” He groans. “Did you take us out here to give us the talk or something? I already had that. In 1931.” 

 

“...Are you telling me you can’t remember if you had aunts and uncles, but you remember exactly what year you got the talk given to you?”

 

“It was a traumatic event.” Bucky shrugs, and when Shuri laughs again, his own lips pull upward at the sound. 

 

“Anyways, Bucky, I didn’t take you all the way out here for the talk. I have a surprise. It was just a happy coincidence. I did have my brother take Steven away so I could torture you a bit, tho.”

 

“Torture me, huh? Well I guess my therapist did say that having constants could help me stay grounded…” He trails off, smirking, and Shuri gasps dramatically when she realizes what she just said and to whom.

 

“I didnt-”

 

“Oh but you did. Who knew you could be so heartless?” He grins. 

 

“Shut up. You’re doing this on purpose!”

 

“Must be my tortured brain acting up”

 

“You’re aggravating.”

 

“And you’re smiling” 

 

“So are you” Shuri point out, turning to him as they keep walking. “It’s good to see that on your face, you know”

 

Bucky doesn’t meet her eyes, letting out a small sigh.

 

“So does everyone keep saying. As if it hasn’t been just five day since… Since we’ve been here.” He clears his throat, looking ahead uncomfortably.

 

He can see Steve over there, walking with T’challa, shoulders relaxed, and he can hear his soft chuckle in the wind, and its the most beautiful things he’s ever seen or heard, but he feels so terrible about it. 

 

Ben died. Ben is dead because of him. Is he buried in a forest like this one now? Was this covered up? Does anyone even knows he’s gone, that they should grieve him? Or is Bucky truly the only person carrying this burden?

 

No, not a burden. That pain is an ode, a memory of why Ben’s dead was unfair, of all the reasons why humanity can be good. Even now. Even to him. A reminder that he destroy that goodness every time. 

 

Maybe he just isn’t meant to have it. Not yet. Not until he fixes this.

 

He sure aint smiling anymore. 

 

He startles a bit when he feels a hand on his shoulder, head snapping towards Shuri again, who looks at him kinda worried.

 

“Are you alright? You weren’t answering”

 

“I wasn’t listening” He corrects her, and she must take it as a joke because she rolls her eyes and mumbles, but she goes onto another ramble, and Bucky's mood is effectively ruined, so he's more than satisfied just listening for now (or pretending to).

 

They walk for a bit, getting deeper into the forest and into a more secluded part of it, one of Bucky’s favorite places. Thats where he used to go when he first got unfrozen, when he needed to think and just the sight of people would make his heart race from pure unadulterated fear of hurting them, and somewhere deeper, of being hurt, too. He’d walk even further from where they are right now and just sit by that little stream he knows runs down there, where he couldnt hear the sound of the people. He knew T’challa and the Dora Milaje knew exactly where he was at all time, but no one ever came to bother him there. 

 

So, its a bit weird they’re walking in this direction. Bucky’s really starting to get jittery about that ‘surprise’. 

 

Eventually, Shuri makes them catch up to the two others, and she starts looking too excited for Bucky’s liking. When they reach a clearing and Shuri screams ‘Surprise’, he half expect some weird shit to jump out of the trees or something.

 

But nope. Nothing.

 

A long silence follows her statement, until Bucky finally speaks up.

 

“...Theres nothing here, Shuri” He says slowly, as if speaking to an insane person, and she rolls her eyes again.

 

“Not yet. But there will be”

 

“Not sure I’m following” Bucky says, turning to the two others for support

 

“Me neither” Steve agrees with a confused smile, and T’challa laughs beside them, letting out an exasperated sigh.

 

“What my sister's trying to say, albeit clumsily, is that this parcel of land is yours, Bucky. If you want it, of course”

 

Bucky freezes, eyes going between the three people in front of him like their faces hold answers. 

 

“Still not following” He says slowly, carefully, after a while.

 

“Do you need us to spell it out or something?” Shuri asks, obviously irritated her surprise didn’t cause the expected reaction. “This,” She adds, gesturing to the ground, and then back to him. “is youuuuurrssss ”

 

Bucky scowls at the ground, then back at Shuri and T’challa, looking at them like this is all a big joke he’s not getting.

 

“What for?”

 

“To build a home. I mean, we don’t expect you’ll live here all the time, but you know, figured if you were gonna come and go, maybe you should have your own place…kitchen and all” Shuri says, grinning mischieviously at her own innuendo, and Steve gets redder Bucky has probably ever seen him but he can’t even focus on that because Shuri just said they were giving him land. 

 

To build a home.

 

In Wakanda. 

 

“Wakanda doesn’t take in foreigners” He says slowly, like he’s answering a trick question, like he’s being tested, but T’Challa takes a step forward, putting a hand on his shoulder.

 

“You’re not a foreigner anymore, White Wolf. You are one of us. And you will always be welcomed in Wakanda, for your heart is pure as the people that were born here.”

 

Bucky’s not gonna cry. But if he were , now would be a pretty fucking good time. 

 

“You’re not joking” He says again, and if they notice his voice is a little choked, no one says anything. “You’re serious”

 

“We’re serious” T’challa smile, squeezing his shoulder slightly with that same kind look in his eyes he always wear, and Bucky answers his smile, because its all he can do not to pull him into a hug.

 

He don’t deserve all those people. Seriously. 

 

“I..don’t know what to say”

 

“You could start by ‘thank you’ or like breaking into tears or something. I’m open to multiple options” Shuri jokes and Bucky rolls his eyes but he does turn to her with a grateful smile.

 

“ Thank you ” Bucky says, and she grins.

 

“See? That wasn’t too hard, was it?” She asks, and a small disbelieving laugh escape Bucky’s mouth.

 

“No, it wasn’t.” He says, looking around, and Steve is also doing the same, big smile on his face.

 

“Thats a great spot, Buck. With a little time, I’m sure we could build you something worthwhile here.”

 

“Acting like we know how to build a house” Bucky snorts, but he can already see it in his mind, like a blueprint unfolding into his mind, and maybe he’s been thinking about building a house for way longer than he knows, from way before the war. It doesn’t matter, because it’ll be beautiful. He points at Steve. “I’m doing the decoration. We’re not having a flag. Anywhere.”

 

Steve lifts a brow, his own face lighting up like a kid on Christmas morning.

 

“We?”

 

Oh.

 

Bucky did say we , didn’t he? Well thats awkward. He looks at Shuri for help, but she’s purposefully pretending to be very busy…looking elsewhere, and he has to turn back to Steve. 

 

“Uh…Well, I mean if you-”

 

“Yes! I mean, yeah. That could, I mean, theres enough space to build a big enough house for two. If, you know, thats what you want and all.” Steve says, clearing his throat, and Bucky smirks, but he doesnt point out how they used to live in a tiny apartment together anyways, so the size of the house doesn’t really matter. 

 

“We have builders, you know” T’challa adds, with his very own smirk. “You don’t have to build it yourself”

 

“I think I might want to” Bucky says, and he squats down to touch the grass, and its very stupid and he looks stupid, but this is his grass now, so he doesn’t really care. He grins joyfully.

 

“Okoye’ll be happy to know you’re touching some grass now” Shuri snorts, and bucky frowns up at her, lifting himself back upwards.

 

“What?”

 

“Its like…an expression. You wont get it, grandpa.”

 

“You have expression about touching grass?” Bucky deadpans, unimpressed.

 

“Well you once told me to, and I quote, ‘Can the twit’, so you’re not really one to talk about expressions”

 

“Okay, at least mine makes sense ”

 

“Does it tho?” Shuri asks, eyes slitting, and Steve turns to T’challa

 

“I can’t tell if they’re genuinely arguing”

 

“No. They just act like that. You get used to it” He shrugs, and Steve shrugs back, and Bucky rolls his eyes. 

 

“I can’t wait for there to be a actual house so I can kick you all out of it” He grumbles, but theres no bite to it, and when they walk back, he feels lighter than he has felt in a while.

 

He wont stay in Wakanda always, he knows that, he knows that theres people over seas waiting for them to be back, and he knows that when he lets himself wander too far in his mind, he feels how hard he misses them too. 

 

But to know that someplace is his, truly his, well that is worth more than he can say. 

 

And as Steve’s hand brushes against the back of his during the walk back, he thinks to himself that maybe he really doesn’t mind sharing it at all.

Notes:

Yeah i know theres barely any Stucky in it but BE PATIENT (yes, yes I know you've been plenty patient but... be more patient anyways lmaooo)

Chapter 39

This is how most of the day goes by. They head back to Shuri’s lab and then she starts showing them blueprints of plans she’d made for the house, which Bucky all vetoed because he does not want any robot in his wall (sorry FRIDAY) or ‘modern granite’ or any of that stuff. Just a plain old house in the forest, with maybe a TV.

And definitely a dishwasher. 

 

Alright, so the future has a few good things too. Whatever. 

 

Bucky mostly avoids Steve’s eyes, although he doesn’t know why, and by the end of the day, Steve’s face is mostly resigned when Bucky steal a glance at it. But theres also something else behind it, the kind of stubborn determination that slightly scares Bucky and makes him know exactly whats going to happen when they’re alone again.

 

So when dinner is over and they walk silently over to their room, Bucky expects it. He also expects Steve to let him walk in first, then come in, then close the door behind him and stand in front of it with his arms crossed and serious Cap face on. 

 

For the first time in the day, Bucky stares back. He’s fully prepared to wait him out. He doesn’t have to wait very long.

 

“We’re gonna have to talk about it” Steve says, and Bucky’s lips almost twitch upward. That was easy. And Steve’s getting predictable. 

 

“We’re not having a flag in the house. Period” Bucky deflects, because hey, he’s still Bucky after all.

 

Steve huffs, hands dropping to his side.

 

“That’s not what I- Why would I even want that? I’m wearing a flag most days”

 

“Guess your suit’s not getting in there, then.”

 

Steve squints at him, and Bucky has to work really hard not to grin now. He has a feeling that Steve would lose it. 

 

“What about a gay flag then?” Steve asks, and of course he found a way to get back on track, but Bucky definitely didn't expect that. He stares at him dumbfounded for a second.

 

“Gay’s not a country, Steve”

 

And then Steve laughs. He laughs hard. And Bucky’s getting a bit frustrated now cause come on, he might be bad at geography but he KNOWS, theres not a country for gay people, that would be crazy. And Steve’s not even gay, he’s bisexual or pansexual or something. FRIDAY said so. Why does he even know about the gay country when he doesn’t. Nah, he’s gotta be messing with him. 

 

With how hard he’s laughing right now, that wouldn’t surprise him. 

 

It’s Bucky’s turn to cross his arms on his chest now, glaring.

 

“Glad you’re having fun” He huffs, and Steve tries to apologize but he doesn’t look sorry in the least, so Bucky glares harder, until his friend catches his breath again.

 

“No…its just…no cause I said the same thing ”

 

“What?”

 

“When Nat…well, it's a long story. But I said almost exactly the same thing word for word. Sorry. It’s not that funny. Should've seen your face though.”

 

“Whats wrong with my face?” Bucky asks, frustrated, and Steve’s expression softens, looking at him, and something shifts in the air.

 

Oh no.

 

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with your face. It’s a…good face”

 

Uh.

 

“...Thanks?”

 

“Buck…”

 

Ah damn, there we go. Bucky braces himself.

 

“..about this morning” Steve continues, and Bucky doesn't know why he’s holding his breath, he just is.

 

“What about this morning?” He asks carefully, and Steve hesitates, and now the room is just tense and Bucky hates it, hates all of it. 

 

“Don’t you think we should..talk about it?”

 

Well of course they should talk about it. Obviously. Except feelings are bleh to talk about, and Bucky’s thoughts don’t translate into words half the times, and he doesn’t know how to let Steve in. 

 

So he shrugs.

 

“I don’t know what's there to talk about”  

 

“ You don’t know whats- ” Steve starts, then he snaps his mouth shut and runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “Okay. That’s bullshit”

 

“Well go on then. If you have something to say just say it” Bucky snaps back, almost snarkily.

 

“Jesus, Buck. I just… Don’t you wanna know where we stand? I mean you…we…” Steve trails off, and Bucky’s heart misses a beat at the images that pops in his head then, at the lingering memory of Steve’s mouth on his, and his fingers in his hair, and…

 

His throat is dry. 

 

“Okay. Alright” He says, softening just a bit, because Steve seems maybe just as lost as he feels, and that this expression should never, ever be on his face. “We can- okay. Let’s talk about it”

 

Steve’s face floods with relief, although the tension in the room barely lowers, and Bucky shifts uncomfortably on his feet.

 

“Good. Lets talk about it” Steve repeat, and then he takes a deep breath in, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “First of are we…is there anything you want us to be? Or that you wanna call us…or…”

 

Bucky winces slightly, face going tense.

 

“Last time I had a boyfriend, he died tragically. Remember that? It was last week.”

 

Steve’s face falls, and Bucky feels bad again. Great. 

 

“Sorry, that was a terrible start. I didn’t mean- there's no pressure. Really. We don’t have to be anything. I just wanted to check what you wanted, is all.”

 

“It’s okay Steve. I know” Bucky sighs, and he’s tired of all the guilt. He wonders if love’s always that exhausting. “It’s not that I dont want us to be something, I just…its early.”

 

I’m not fixed yet.

 

Steve nods, and he takes a step closer.

 

“I get that. I’m sorry I even brought it up.”

 

“Don’t be.”

 

“Okay. Does this mean…What happened this morning. The kiss. Want us to…not do that anymore? To wait?”

 

The feeling of Steve pressed up against him. The smell of him. The taste of him. Bucky nearly chokes out.

 

“No! I mean. Uh. Unless you want us to?”

 

Steve smirks. Bucky feels his face grow hotter.

 

Damn you, face.

 

“Do I look like I want us to?” Steve asks, and he takes another step closer. 

 

If only Bucky’s stupid fucking face would stop feeling like its on fire that would be great.

 

“Is that a trick question?”

 

Steve chuckles, and the sound makes a little bit of the warmth go from Bucky’s face to the inside of his chest.

 

“No” Steve says, taking another another step closer, and he’s very close now, close enough to reach up and run his thumb on Bucky’s lower lip. Which he does. “It isnt”

 

Fucking stupid fucking face stop messing around I swear to God. Bucky’s pretty sure the entirety of his body’s blood content is situated in his face right now. He holds his breath, not answering as Steve’s eyes roam around his face, tracing each line with a look of pure devotion on his face that makes Bucky’s head swim. His gaze eventually lock on Bucky’s, and his tongue dart out to wet his lips. Bucky’s going crazy with anticipation now, and he should probably fucking breathe you idiot.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Steve asks, and Bucky groans.

 

“Shut up” He says, and then he closes the distance between them again. 

 

Their lips meet again, and Steve let out an approving hum against the kiss, and Jesus , okay, thats just… wow.

 

It tastes better than this morning, and its a lot less messy, a lot more planned. Their noses don't get in the way as much, and Bucky’s a lot less scared to crack a tooth now, but its good. So good. Steve’s lips are soft against his, and he follows Bucky’s lead at first, which is reassuring, but he eventually cups the back of Bucky’s neck, fingers intertwining with the hair there and tugging slightly to angle Bucky’s head and deepen the kiss, taking control. That’s…hot. Yup. Bucky likes this. Jesus fucking Christ, okay, he really likes this .

 

He basically melts under Steve’s hold, and he doesn’t think he really needs oxygen that bad because he would probably rather die than having this end. So when Steve tries to pull away, Bucky follows, running after the warmth of his mouth. He doesn’t care if it makes him look desperate. He is.

 

Steve indulges him, leaning back in with a big goofy grin as he kisses him for just a bit longer before pulling away, breathless.

 

Alright.

 

Bucky remembers kissing people. As Bucky Barnes, and as the Asset. Too many people. Mostly women. He remembers that was the part he hated less.

 

But this? 

Thats a whole new level of not hating .

 

“So I take it kissing is a yes, then?” Steve teases, and Bucky’s eyes snaps from his mouth back to his eyes, lips slightly parted.

 

“You think?” He asks, a bit winded, but his own lips pull up into a smile. “I’m not sure. Might’ve to keep trying it out.”

 

Steve laughs at that, and Bucky beams, but then Steve’s hand travel from the back of his neck to the crook of it, so that probably means no more kissing for now, and its all Bucky can do not to pout .

 

What is happening to him ??

 

“We have more talking to do first” Steve says, probably noticing the expression and Bucky’s face, who scoffs but doesn’t argue.

 

Of course they have more talking to do, he knows that, but this takes precedence, doesn’t it? Maybe the kissing should’ve waited till the end of the talk, less distraction.

 

Note to self, Steven Grant Rogers is a dirty little tease, and Bucky is a weak, weak man. 

 

“Aw come on, don’t make that face”

 

“I’m not making a face.”

 

“You’re making a face.”

 

“Stop talking about the face I’m not making and start talking about what you want us to talk about”

 

Steve laughs again. Bucky hates it, because its not funny, but its also his favorite sound, so that's a very confusing mix of emotions. He’s very tempted to shut him up. He doesn’t.

 

“Alright, alright, fine. Gotta work on that patience of yours, Buck”

 

Bucky raises a brow challengingly, and Steve lifts both his hands in surrender, so now his hand isn't even on Bucky’s body at all, and that sucks. My god, calm down, Barnes. 

 

“Sorry. I’m talking, I’m talking” Steve says, small smile finding his lips. “So. Publicly…did you want us to, you know…be out?”

 

Bucky’s mood falls down. Ugh. He hates talking. Kissing is much better.

 

“No. I don’t think. If thats okay?”

 

Steve's smile falters a bit.

 

“Okay. So…a secret then?”

 

“Well, it doesn’t have to be a secret . Just… maybe not out there. I don’t think its anyone’s business but ours. And the people’s who saw us making out in the middle of a hallway or or a camera feed, I guess.”

 

“Not the team?”

 

“Maybe. Some day. It’s not like, you know…they’re here or anything”

 

Steve runs a hand down his face, obviously disappointed, and there's the guilt again.

 

“Okay. So we’re basically in a non-offical secret..something. That’s..” He trails off, and Bucky bites the inside of his cheeks. He feels like an ass.

 

“I’m sorry. I just think maybe this should be just ours. For a little bit?”

 

Steve searches his face, then reaches down to take his hands, running his thumbs over Bucky's knuckles. 

 

“Alright. Just ours.” 

 

Bucky lets out a soft, relieved sigh, then squeezes Steve’s hand slightly. He can’t tell him how scared he is, how terrified that his curse might reach Steve again, maybe even more this way, so afraid that Steve will get hurt. And he hasn’t been focused on counting Steve’s heartbeat today, he talked too much, too many things happened, and maybe listening to it beating without counting isn't enough to avoid getting distracted, and what if it stops and Bucky doesn't even realize it? He’s spiralling, and Steve must feel it, because he pulls on his hands a bit, tugging him closer and wrapping his arms around him instead, so Bucky can feel him near, can breathe him in.

 

“I’m here. You’re here. We got each other’s, right?”

 

“Yeah” Bucky answers, a bit choked, but he doesn’t pull away from the embrace, and neither does Steve for a long while. 

 

That hold doesn’t feel much different from the way Steve held him before, and Bucky wonders if maybe they weren’t already sort of in a non-official secret something before, minus the kissing. Wonders if they haven’t always been. He doesn’t say that out loud, of course, but when they separate, all soft conversations and unsaid thoughts lingering, this is all too normal. And so is it when he leaves to take a shower, and comes back to Steve already asleep in the bed, probably after passing out waiting for him. It feels new when he snuggle close on purpose, but not that new, just new to this new version of him. Somewhere deep inside him, it feels like someone smiles, breathes out for the first time in decades.

 

He lets himself fall asleep that night, holding Steve close against his chest.

Notes:

Bucky still doesn't understand if gay is a country btw. Thanks Steve for the absolute lack of explanations

Chapter 40

Notes:

I'm hereeeeeee
I'm so overwhelmed with all the love you guys are sending my way lately <3 Thanks a lot
Sorry for the wait, and hopefully this chapter makes up for itttt

Bucky lets himself fall off to the side on the bed, leaving the panting dame that was just under him to regain her senses. Whats her name already? Does it matter?

 

He stares at the ceiling, heart beating in his throat, mouth already tasting of bile and head filled with self disgust. He leans over to grab his pants on the floor, pulling out his pack of cigarette. Its not a habit he has, but he keeps one in his pocket when he goes out. 

 

This calls for it. Maybe the smoke will rid his organs of the dead, rotting feeling he feels every time he does this and has to force himself to finish. He lights one on, plopping back on the bed, and he can feel the girl stare at the side of his head. He doesn’t speak, but eventually she does, and she reaches over to steal the cigarette from his lips, taking it to her own.

 

“So, who’s she?” She asks after taking a long draft, and Bucky lifts a brow.

 

“Who’s who?”

 

“The girl. The one you thought about when you closed your pretty eyes”

 

Bucky grits his teeth, taking the cigarette back.

 

“There's no girl.” He snaps, and that's technically not a lie. 

 

“Alright, pipe down” She chuckles, settling back on the bed and stealing his cig again. “Touchy subject? She broke your heart?” The girl asks, and Bucky breathes out from his nose, eyes fluttering close with annoyance again.

 

He doesn’t answer. His heart isn’t broken. He is . And he hopes Steve never, ever finds out what Bucky has to think about in those moments, what kind of disgusting fantasies he has to make up in his sick mind to keep touching the ladies without feeling like he might just throw up. He couldn’t handle it, if Steve knew just how bad he wanted him, enough to get aroused in even the absolute worst circumstances. No. Steve would hate him then. He’d never speak to him again for thinking such sinful shit. 

 

He lifts himself up from the bed without a word, throwing his clothes on, and the girl sits up as well, frowning. 

 

“Hey, you don’t have to leave”

 

He leaves anyways. 

 

She’ll talk, he knows she will. That doesn’t matter, because they’ll keep coming nevertheless, whether or not he wants them to.

 

Girls love a broken man. They all think they can fix him. How wrong they are. If a woman could cure him of the poison of want in his head, they would have already. What he has, what he is , can’t be fixed.  

 

He knows that, because he gets home that night, and when he checks on Steve to make sure everything’s okay, he’s already asleep in his room, on top of the blanket with nothing on at all, because their apartment gets hot like a furnace in the summer, and Bucky has to step right back out of the room and straight into a cold shower that lasts for way longer it usually would’ve.

Bucky blinks awake in the bed, alone. At least. That would've been awkward otherwise.

 

He can hear the shower running in the ensuite bathroom, so he assumes that's what must've brought on that memory, but still. His brain is a weird ass thing. Bucky’s not sure why it keeps reminding him of irrelevant stuff like this. The thoughts of having this , with anyone including Steve makes him nauseous, for a way different reason than it did back then, but a valid one nonetheless. He knows that. And his younger self thought he was broken .

 

Ha.

 

If only he knew. 

 

Bucky stretches up, metal arm slowly wiring as it rearranges itself, and Bucky feels the familiar ache in his body that he knows means he eventually ended up sleeping with his metal arm weirdly angled underneath him. He sighs. Sometimes, he really wishes he could just take it off. 

 

He sits on the side of the bed, the sound of the shower still running, and he allows himself to just take a breath, for a second. To think. 

 

He came here for a reason. That reason was not ‘having a vacation with Steve’ or ‘build a house’. That reason was to rid himself of that goddamn curse that seems to loom over him. 

 

So, he got sidetracked. Time to fix that. And to stop thinking about Steve in the shower. Steve that loves him, and kisses him now, and-

 

Get it together, Barnes.

 

For Ben. He has to do this for Ben. 

 

The guilt grabs onto his guts again, a familiar feeling, like a blade twisting around his stomach. He cant get distracted again from the-

 

Mission?

 

His eyes shutter closer, and he lets out a somewhat pained breath. 

 

A mission. Of course. That's how he operates, isn’t it? 

 

Well, this mission is different. It’s about protecting the people he cares about. And if it doesn’t work… well he’ll have to go. Far, far away from them. Forever.

 

His head shakes no automatically, as if to let him know this would be an unacceptable outcome, and he agrees. Only last resort. Can’t do that to the kid. Enough to give the boy a lifetime of trust issues.

 

He wonders if he could stay hidden even from Loki. Probably not. But at least he’s not the kind to snitch. Gods are probably immune to curses anyways. 

 

Well, this is a waste of energy to think about. He’ll plan if it gets to that. For now, no more dwelling and staring at walls and counting heartbeats. 

 

Can’t protect Steve if he doesn’t start by the root of the problem: himself. Listening to every beat of his heart wont change that, ultimately, as hard as it is to admit, and as hard as he has to fight the urge to never let him out of sight. 

 

He can keep that part for later, when he’s no longer a bad omen. He's pretty hopeful that if there's a cure, it’ll be here.

 

Hopeful .

 

Ugh. He’s turning soft.

 

He lifts himself up, walking to the dresser and throwing a few random clothes on that wont make him look like a lunatic. He’s pretty sure those are T’challas anyways. They’ll probably wake up one day with a bunch of tailored clothes on their bedroom doorsteps (thanks to being friends and living with royals), but for now these work. 

 

He starts heading towards the door, mind so focused on not listening to Steve that he doesn’t even hear him walking out of the bathroom until his hand is on the bedroom door and Steve calls for him.

 

“Going somewhere?” He asks, tone teasing, but when Buckyk turns around he can see the hidden worry in there. 

 

“I just gotta talk to Shuri about…” curses . “..what we came here for”

 

“About getting rid of your conditioning for good?”

 

No.

 

“Yes” Bucky says anyways, and Steve squints just a bit, which is weird, because Bucky is an excellent liar. He’s gonna have to start testing this guy for telepathy or something.

“Okay” Steve says eventually. “If you give me a min to find a shirt, I can-”

 

“No need. I know the way” Bucky says, and one of Steve’s brow shoots up.

 

“You wanna go…without me?”

 

“Uhm. Yes?”

 

“As in, where I’m not in the immediate vicinity or line of sight?”

 

“Yes”

 

Steve squints more.

 

“Is everything alright? Yesterday yo-”

 

“Yup. Haven’t you ever seen a movie, Steve? Your true love’s kiss solved all my issues and now my mental health’s at its prime” Bucky deadpans, and Steve rolls his eyes. 

 

“No seriously tho, Buck.”

 

“I’m fine Stevie. Seriously. Quit your worrying. That just something I’d rather do on my own”

 

“Oh” Steve says, scratching the back of his head and looking around like he’s lost. “That's fine. I had…phone calls to make and..things”

 

“Things?” Bucky asks, a smirk finding its way on his face

 

“Yeah. I gotta shave the beard and-”

 

“What? No” Bucky’s mouth moves before he even realizes it. Steve looks good with a beard. Really good. It's not very long yet, but the scratchy feeling when they kiss is something Bucky never had before, and his head swim at the thought of it. It's new, and it's good, and not associated with any bad memories.  Plus, it really makes Steve look straight out of a picture show.

 

“What do you mean, no?”

 

Bucky opens his mouth, then closes it. He can’t tell Steve not to lose the beard if he really wants it gone. It's not like he’d asked Steve’s opinion before cutting his hair.

 

He doesn’t have to talk anyways, because Steve grins at him. Stupid telepathy thing he does.

 

“Oh. You like the beard, don’t you?”

 

“Shut up”

 

“I’ll keep it if you ask nicely” Steve teases and Bucky glares. 

 

“Pushing your luck, Rogers”

 

“That's not exactly what I meant by ‘asking nicely’. Wanna try that again?” Steve smirks, and he’s just enjoying this too much now. Bucky’s eyes slit.

 

“No”

 

“Then I guess I should get to shaving, huh?”

 

“...”

 

“What? Got something to say?”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“Wonder where they keep the razors around here..” Steve says, pretending to look around, and Bucky crosses his arms on his chest, but he lets out an annoyed huff, then yields.

 

“Fine. Don’t shave the stupid beard. Please”

 

Steve grins victoriously, and Bucky really really wants to throw something at him at the moment but he’s now got the threat of beard shaving in his head so he just continues glaring until Steve steps a bit closer, smile faltering just ever so slightly on his face

“Aw come on don’t make that face. I wouldn’t have shaved it knowing you like it anyways”

 

Bucky almost smiles now. He won.

 

“And the hair” He adds, emboldened now that Steve feels bad (and is painfully obviously wrapped around his finger)

 

“The hair too, huh?”

 

“Steve.”

 

“Fine, fine” His…uh.. Steve grins, rolling his eyes. “I’ll stay far from razors and scissors. Promise”

 

Bucky is satisfied by that, so he stops holding the smile back now, and lets his arms drops to his side to reach backward for the doorknob again. He has something to do, still. No more getting distracted, he said. That might be harder than expected with Steven Grant Rogers around.

 

He turns the doorknob, pretending he doesn’t see the way Steve’s grin falters again.

 

Focus, Barnes. You’re doing this for him. 

 

Right. He silently thanks the little voice in his head, and give Steve a nod he hopes is somewhat reassuring. 

 

“Bye now”

 

“Bye, Buck. See you later. I lo…” Steve starts but he hesitates, and Bucky freezes. They’ve already said it, they’ve already admitted it, but Steve hesitates still. 

 

He’s scared. He’s scared of saying it and for Bucky to, what, not say it back? Bucky’s not sure what Steve’s afraid of, but one thing’s certain, he’s scared. Bucky has hurt him enough for him to be scared. And that feels like a gunshot to the heart. 

 

“..’ll be here” Steve ends up saying instead and Bucky lets out a deep breath. 

 

He’s the fucking worst human alive. If he can even be called that. How dare he make Steve Rogers scared? 

 

The angry roar inside his head sounds way too much like his own voice. Its contradictory. He shakes his head, then let go of the doorknob of the now open door, leaving it hanging like that as he takes the few strolls separating him and Steve, pulling him into a kiss.

 

“I love you” Bucky says when they separate, and Steve’s face gets a pretty shade of pink. Much better. Fixed it. 

 

He turns back around to head outside now.

 

“I- uh- me too!” He hears Steve stutter out as he closes the door behind him and a smile grows on his face. He shakes his head fondly. 

 

Alright now. Time to focus on the real deal.

Chapter 41

Notes:

GUYS IM HERE
Sorry, that was long as hell. Bunch of things happens, moved out, also I went on a roadtrip for a few week with my bestie and couldnt find time to write.
AND I found my very own Steve Rogers too and she's admittedly been taking most of my mind space and real world time hahahaha, but she knows about you guys so I should still get some writting time in here and there :))

Hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Shuri stares at him like he’s crazy. He stares back. She keeps staring. He also keeps staring. She-

 

Oh wait, she’s talking again.

 

“You’re going crazy”

 

Bucky sighs.

 

“I’m not going crazy Shuri, I-”

 

“Griot. What's the probability that Bucky’s going through a psychosis?”

 

“ What?! I’m not-”

 

“Well, considering Mr.Barnes previous trauma, the death of Benjamin Rumlow could have triggered an episode, indeed. However, I do not notice any obvious symptoms of a psychotic episode apart from the fact Mr.Barnes seems to believe he is under the effects of a curse, which could be considered delusions.”

 

Bucky freezes at the mention of Ben, but relaxes sadly as Griot seems to somewhat take his side. But of course, Shuri is quicker than him, and she’s already speaking before he can even open his mouth.

 

“What about the sleep disturbances? Or social withdrawal? Or the staring?”

 

“...Mr.Barnes has been pretty consistently acting this way since he was rescued in the first place, Miss. Unless we are to assume Mr.Barnes has been psychotic this entire time, I would rule it out”

 

Bucky smirks and Shuri eyes slit in her face, staring at him. There's silence for a few more seconds before she speaks again.

 

“Just cause you’re not psychotic doesn't mean you’re sane”

 

“ Shuri, I’m not insane .” Bucky insists, throwing his arms in the air. “I thought out of everyone if someone would help me with this, it’d be you”

 

“You thought wrong. You’re waltzing in here telling me you’re cursed , Bucky, after, after…” She groans, frustrated too, and Bucky knows she’s hesitating to mention Ben. He’s not about to make an effort to make it less uncomfortable for her, not after all that. She sighs. “Listen, I know your life hasn’t been easy. That doesn't mean you’re cursed”

 

Bucky snorts.

 

“ Hasn’t been easy ?” He asks, bitter, and Shuri winces as if she’d just realized. “What, like I’m unlucky? Shuri, this isn’t my car breaking down, it’s people around me dying”

 

“Oh come on, its-”

 

“My dad got sick and died right before the war started. The infantry I was a Sergeant in got taken to a Hydra base in Azzano, so we can count at least a dozen deaths there. A few dozen more when Steve came to rescue me. Then I fell off a train and got kidnapped by Hydra, but there was no death there. I wasn’t lucky enough to die. Then my twin sister died giving birth. Then I ended up killing a whole bunch of people, including Howard, who used to be…well, not a friend, but almost. And then someone used my face to kill your father, and nearly destroyed the Avengers in the process. And now Ben is dead too. It's starting to pile up, isn't it? You wanna talk about statistics? Then look at the numbers. I’m cursed, Shuri, I destroy everything around me like, like…” He looks down at his hands, like he might just be afraid of them, his face growing darker and his tone bitter. “Rot.”

 

Shuri looks at him again, and he can see it there, the pity. How sad she is for him. He grits his teeth.

 

“White wolf.” She says, voice firm, after a few seconds. “None of these were your fault. You understand that, don’t you?”

 

“Just because it wasn’t a choice I made doesn't mean it's not my fault. It happens around me . All of the time. I didn't come here for you to try and reason with me. I came to you for help. Are you gonna give it, or not?” He asks, tense as a bow, face set into a determined expression, although he feels the sour taste of numbness trying to sneak its way in, the buzzing of it spreading in his chest as he is forced to rethink about all the deaths, all the pain. 

 

Shuri is silent for a long time after this. So long that Bucky starts to wonder if he actually spoke out loud or not. When she speaks, its resigned.

 

“What makes you think I know anything about curses?”

 

“A magical flower gave your brother superpowers and you talk about it like it's the most normal thing in the world”

 

“Do not mock the Heart-shaped Herb”

 

“..have you ever seen Rapunzel?”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

“Point taken. Just because you’ve given me the perfect way to rile my brother up. Proceed”

 

“Shuri, you’re smart. And Wakanda’s…magical. Literally. If there's anywhere I can be cured of this, anyone that’ll find a way, it’ll be here and it’ll be you.”

 

She shakes her head, eyes closing as she exhales a deep breath, muttering a few things in isiXhosa, that Bucky doesn’t quite hear. Then she opens her eyes again, swirsl around, lifting her hand as she walks towards the middle of the lab, typing things in the air (Bucky’ll never get used to this). Anyhow, he takes this as a yes, and he starts walking with her.

 

“Does this mean flattery works for you?”

 

“No. It means I know you are too stubborn to listen to me. And the only way to prove that there is no curse is to give you what you want”

 

“And whats that?”

 

Shuri stays silent a few more seconds, typing more stuff in. 

 

“Answers.”

 

“Answers?”

 

“There are people here. Mind healers, they call themselves. They say they can see through the body and into the soul. They are the people you go to when you believe you’ve been cursed.” Shuri says, turning to him. “I do not believe in them. I think they are scammers, for lack of better word. Roaches, feeding onto people’s fear to make the most out of it.”

 

“Those people sounds great.” Bucky says flatly. “But if you’re trying to convince me to go see them, you might wanna try a different approach”

 

Shrui rolls her eyes, typing a few more thing in the air until the hologram of a woman pops up.

 

“Theres one. One of them. I’ve seen-” Shuri shakes her head. “ I think I’ve seen her do…something. Before. I was younger, my eyes could’ve cheat me, but…” Shuri’s eyes wander to the lady’s face, floating between them, and her eyes flash with something almost like fear. And respect. Bucky immediately thinks the hologram lady is worth his trust. Or at least not his immediate distrust. “Anyways. She wont lie, I don’t think. When she sees you have no curse, she’ll call it out plain” Shuri continues, sending him a look like she’s challenging him to argue her. He doesnt. 

 

“Okay then. Lets go see her.” 

 

Shuri laughs.

 

“Its not that simple. You don’t just go see a mind healer. There are ways to do things, James.”

 

“ James ? Am I in trouble?”

 

She shoots him a look and he lifts both hands in surrender. 

 

“I’ll organize something. I don’t know how long it might take” She says, ignoring his comment.

 

“Like a ritual?”

 

“Not like a ritual.” She shuts him down, unimpressed. “Like a meeting”

 

“Oh”

 

She sighs, and mutters under her breath again, before waving the lady face away and turning her back to him to type in the air again. Bucky stands there awkwardly for a few moments before Shuri sighs again.

 

“You’re dismissed, White Wolf.”

 

“White Wolf? Am I in tr-”

 

“Bucky, get out of here”

 

“Yes ma’am” He smiles a shit eating grin that she can’t see, but he leaves the lab. 

 

Maybe he’ll head back to the room. He wanted to check out the house plot, maybe get started on the mesures, but it’d feel wrong to go without Steve, and he doesnt want to do that anyways.

 

He walks through the corridors, ideas running in his brain, and it's weird for him not to empty his mind when he’s alone. Still, to this day, he finds himself clearing his brain when he’s sitting by himself on his couch or doing groceries. By habit or self-preservation, he couldn't tell you, but he’s starting to unlearn that. Lucky for him, today’s a good day, and there's not a lot of grim thoughts reaching there. There's a lot of Steve, thought, as always. 

 

He slows his steps as he gets near the door of their room, hearing Steve’s voice through the wall. Super hearing is one of his favorite things he got from the serum. He wonder if he was always this nosy. He’ll have to ask Steve. For now, he only shuffles closer to the door, keeping his steps silent as he tries to listen to the conversation. The Wakandan walls are thick, so he cannot hear the voice coming from the phone, which makes the conversation a little boring to listen to. Especially since its a lot of small talk. Bucky takes to guessing who it is, and right before giving up and walking in, the conversation takes a more interesting turn.

“No, Tony. I’m serious. If you bring the kid here, he’ll freak out”

 

“...”

 

“...how bad are we talking?”

 

“...”

 

“Well…maybe hire a tutor for him or something?”

 

“...”

 

“He’s just not going? At all?”

 

“...”

 

“Oh come on, Tony. This is the brightest kid I know. He’ll get into college. You’re worrying for noth-”

 

“...!!!!” 

 

Bucky hears Steve sigh, and his foot shuffling with hesitance in the room. A beat passes. Then another. Bucky wonders if Tony hung up on Steve, until he speaks again, voice softer, guilty. Sad.

 

“Not even one full meal a day?”

 

Bucky’s heart squeeze in his chest. If this is about Peter… if this is because of him…

 

“...”

 

“Listen Tony, I- Jesus. I’ll talk to him, but I can’t promise-” Steve starts, but Bucky burst in, holding out his palm for the phone.

 

Steve startles and lets out a yelp (adorable), and his surprise turns quickly to confusion and exasperation as he hands over the phone, announcing to Tony that apparently I wanted to join in right now and Bucky hears the snort Tony makes through the line before he even puts it to his ear. 

 

“Tony”

 

“Bucky Boo”

 

“Don’t ever call me that again. Wheres the kid?”

 

Tony hesitates a second on the other line. 

 

“I don’t know. Swinging somewhere around New York, I’m assuming. It’s all he’s been doing”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean exactly that. He’s been Spider-Maning around the city ever since I came back from Wakanda telling the team that you wouldnt be coming back for a bit. As much as he didnt want to put on the suit then, he barely takes it off now. Or sleep, or eat, or take care of himself. He just swings until he passes out, then replay. He doesn’t even go to school at all anymore. May is…well, everyone is panicking. He wont even talk to us.”

 

Bucky sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand. Goddamn kid.

 

“Put me through”

 

“..What?”

 

“Put me through, Tony. Let me speak to him. He has a microphone or whatnot in his suit, no? So put me through”

 

“I don’t think you listened to me, he’s not talking to us ”

 

“But you were asking Steve to come here so he could see me, yeah? SO let me try to speak to him, first”

 

“...Whatever. Why not” Tony sighs, and Bucky can hear the exhaustion in that sigh, the worry, the mask of nonchalance cracking. His heart does the same.

 

“I’m sorry, Tony”

 

“Yeah, yeah. I know, Bucky Poo” 

 

“I said not to-”

 

“Okayyyy and you’re on the line. Good luck” Tony says, and Bucky can hear him disconnect. The motherfucker. 

 

Its silent for a moment, and Bucky, is not actually 100% sure he’s been put through, but he clears his throat awkwardly, sending Steve a lost look. 

 

“...Kid?”

 

Silence. Then a sound, like a choke. 

 

“Bucky?” Peter asks back just as carefully, and Bucky takes a breath. 

 

“Hey Pete” He says. Another choking sound. He has to try really hard to keep himself from crushing the phone with how hard he hates himself right now.

 

“Hey” Peter answers, but its a small sound, like he’s afraid he might break Bucky if he speaks too loud. Bucky’s breath comes in shaky.

 

“So,” he says, keeping his voice steady, allowing just a bit of softness to seep in, like he’s trying to calm the boy’s nerves from afar. “Heard you’re not going to school much, huh?”

 

“Oh- Seriously , did he call you about this?? I swear it’s not that serious-”

 

“Peter.” Bucky interrupts, voice authoritative. “You have to go home. You have to sleep and eat and go to school and socialize a bit. You can’t just swing around all day, you’ll burn yourself out. You see how that’s counterproductive, right?”

 

Peter groans, and Bucky hears what he assumes is a landing, Peter a bit breathless as he speaks again, obviously frustrated.

 

“There are more important things”

 

“More important than eating and sleeping and your future?”

 

“ Yes! ” The teen calls out loudly in the suit, Bucky moving the phone away from his ear for a moment with a wince. “There are people out here, people who needs me and if I’m- If I’m not there, if I don’t get there on time, they…” Peter trails off, and Bucky knows what this is about. Of course he knows. He squeezes his eyes shut.

 

“You’re a person too, Peter. You can’t save everyone.”

 

“But I can try”

 

“Peter.”

 

“I CAN TRY” The boy snaps and Bucky’s jaw tightens. He’s not angry at the kid, he doesn't think. He’s mad at the situation, at the fact Peter even has to consider this in the first place.

 

“Those lives aren’t on you, Peter. It’s good what you’re doing, helping, trying to save people. But its not on you. You can’t trade your life for others, you understand?”

 

“But-”

 

“And what if something happens, huh? What if you’re too tired, too weak, too hungry, and you drop the ball? Now thats on you. Because you’re the one going out there risking it just in case it might help. But it could make it worse. Have you considered that?”

 

Peter is silent on the other line. Bucky’s throat feels tight, and he hates having to speak to the kid this way, but he has to. Somebody has to. 

 

“You sound just like Tony”

 

“Well, the man’s a genius. Wouldn’t hurt listening to him, would it?” Bucky says, and he can almost see the exasperated look on Peter’s face in his mind, the small smile he can never keep off his face. He misses that kid, he realize. 

 

Theres more silence. Then a resigned sigh.

 

“Fine. I’ll go home. Take a nap and eat. But I’m coming back out after”

 

“And shower.”

 

“Whatever”

 

“ And shower”

 

“Yeah, yeah, and shower.”

 

“And that nap better be 5 hours minimum”

 

“FIVE?!”

 

“Peter.”

 

More silence. A grumbled acceptance. Bucky smiles.

 

“Alright kid. Thank you”

 

Peter scoffs, and then Bucky thinks thats it. The conversation’s over. But of course it isnt.

 

“Are you coming back soon?”

 

Bucky looks at Steve. Thinks of Shuri. Of the rot inside of him he feels every breath he takes. 

 

“I don’t know” He answers honestly, and he hears Peter let out a deep, sad breath.

 

“But you’re coming back, right?”

 

Bucky glares at the wall.

 

“I’ll try.” 

 

That doesnt seem to satisfy the kid.

 

“You better”

 

Bucky huffs out a laugh.

 

“Alright alright. I believe you have a meal, a nap and a shower waiting for you.” He deflects, and Peter sighs.

 

“I guess I do” He says dejectedly, but it's a win. 

 

They exchange goodbyes that feel too sad and too definitive, and when Bucky hands back Steve’s phone, it's a little bent. Steve winces but doesnt say anything, just slides it back in his pockets, pulling Bucky in for a hug that he doesn't deserve but takes anyways.

Chapter 42

Notes:

Here I am again with my terrible writing schedule. Thank you my readers for being so patient with me <3

This is a dream. Bucky knows it is. Because he’s gotten better at noticing them now, the intricacies. He can tell with the blur, with the way his edges feel numb in a way he hasnt felt in a while. 

 

And well, this time, its easier. Because Ben is here.

 

And Ben is dead.

 

They’re sitting by the Grand Canyon. Up one of the cliffs, legs dangling down the edges. Ben is rambling, and the sun is soft upon them, the breeze just right. Bucky stays silent. He doesn't want to speak. He knows dreams often shatter when he points out they’re dreams. And no matter how selfish it might be, he doesnt want this dream to end. This is familiar, this is sweet. This is easy. This is lost.

 

He notices when Ben’s rambling stops. His eyes flicker from the Canyon to his face, and the guy almost looks worried. Bucky wants to scoff. Maybe punch him in the face. Maybe hold him and never let go. He’s not sure. His heart squeezes in his chest. Silence last for a beat, and another, and now it’s Ben’s turn to look down the cliff.

 

“So..what do you think?” He asks, and Bucky tenses a bit, because he doesnt want to talk and break the illusion, but he does.

 

“About what?”

 

“The Grand Canyon! It was in your list.”

 

Bucky takes a pained breath in. Flashes of an arrow, of sputtered blood, of the taste of it on his lips. A heartbeat stopping. He shakes his head, just once, turning to look down too.

 

“Its not all its made out to be” He says grimly, voice just a bit choked. 

 

“I disagree.” Ben says firmly, as he always claimed his opinions. It kills Bucky to know that at some point, one of those certitudes was that he should be dead. “It's big, puts me in perspective. Its a good place to think. And rest”

 

Bucky feels like he’s been punched in the guts. Rest. He turns his head to look at Ben again, who mirrors his actions. When he speaks again, his voice is rugged but almost gentle. 

 

“You feel at rest, here?”

 

Ben tilts his head from side to side, like he’s pondering. 

 

“Yeah, I guess I do.” He says, a small smile on his face as he turns his gaze back towards the Canyon and Bucky can't breathe anymore. He just stares at Ben until he blurts out, voice choked again.

 

“I’ll finish it, you know” 

 

Ben hums in question. He doesn’t look at Bucky anymore.

 

“The list. I’ll finish it. I’ll make amends” Bucky adds, and he feels the dream slip away. Ben is still not looking, but his hand finds his and squeezes. 

 

“I know”

 

Bucky wakes up. It's not the same waking up from when he has nightmares that tear him apart, the gasping and punching and sitting up. It’s his eyes going wide open and his jaw all tight and his eyes burning from how much he tries to keep the tears in. It’s looking at Steve’s arm around him and feeling nothing but disgust about himself, hate and the taste of bile at the back of his throat. It's wanting so hard to move away but staying there, petrified, because he doesn't want to disappoint Steve, and he knows that dream isn't something he’ll want to share, to explain. 

 

So he just stays there. He stays there for hours, staring at the ceiling, until his skin hitches and burns and Steve finally, finally wakes up too, at the crack of dawn, as always. 

 

He seems to notice right away, just how tense Bucky is in his arms, because he gently take it away, like Bucky’s a wild animal he’s trying not to scare away, and that does nothing to make him feel better. 

 

Theres a bit of silence before he speaks, and its a bit hesitant.

 

“Bucky?”

 

Bucky huffs.

 

“Yes, Bucky. You think this is my evil doppelganger or something?”

 

“I was just checking if you were awake” Steve grumbles, and now Bucky feels a bit bad for snapping, but he’s running on barely any sleep and pure self-hate, so Steve’ll have to tolerate him right now. For better or worse and all that.

Not that they’re married. Bucky wasn’t implying that they’re married. Or that they’ll be married. They’re not even really dating. And why is he trying to justify himself to himself? He knows he wasnt implying anything. That was just a stupid quote. It wasnt done on purpose or anyth-

 

“Rough night?” Steve interrupts his flow of thoughts (even the stupid ones), and Bucky realize he’s still laying down, tense as a bowstring on the bed while Steve is up and stretching, pulling down a shirt. 

 

He lets out a slightly bitter laugh in answer.

 

“Yeah” He says a bit hoarsely, because he knows trying to hide it from Steve would be pointless, and its a bit too late for that anyways. 

 

Steve looks at him, and Bucky almost throws some shade about Steve turning into a psychiatrist but before he has the time, Steve speaks again.

 

“You’re coming on a run with me”

 

“...No thanks. Its like, five AM” Bucky says, and Steve looks at him unimpressed.

 

Bucky think he’s won when Steve turns around and walks to his dresser, but he should know not to underestimate Steve’s stubbornness, and that wrongly placed confidence earns him a very well aimed t-shirt to the face.

 

“I wasn’t asking. Come on. We’re going on a run”

 

“Are you trying to ruin my day even more?”

 

Steve only stares. Bucky sighs, and groans, but lifts himself up because saying no to Steve is a very hard thing to do nowadays. 

 

And so they run. And Bucky pretends he’s not grumpy about it and he doesn't even understand why Steve brought him because he’s just silently running beside him like some monk with an oat or whatever. Not that Bucky minds the silence, because Wakanda’s silence is never actual silence. The slight buzz of nature around them reminds him of how it used to be before he was pardoned, before he went to the Towers. How he was peaceful. Lonely.

 

Bucky realises now his favorite people are all very big on talking. Peter. Clint. Loki. Hell, even Tony.

 

Ben, too.

 

Maybe he doesn’t like the silence that much, after all. Maybe it's nice to have thoughts that aren’t his own taking up space in his head. He suddenly feels very desperate for Steve to talk again. He doesn't ask. 

 

They run until they reach a part of the forest even Bucky’s never seen, through some tighter trees and heavier foliage. Bucky just follows Steve. Isnt that what he does?

 

Eventually, his friend’s steps slows down, and Bucky starts hearing water, an heavy flow, and he turns to Steve with a raised brow.

“Waterfall?” He asks, and Steve nods, his lips tugging up slightly, taking him through more right and left turns until they reach a little cliff, with a perfect view over a waterfall, and a river below. Bucky’s head swims when he see the cliff, his dreaming flashing in his head like he’s still there, like he can still feel his legs dangling off the Grand Canyon. He swallows, and Steve pulls him back just slightly. He probably thinks it has something to do with Bucky’s fear of heights. It doesn't. He doesn't have to know. Bucky follows Steve's tugs.

 

They look at the water for a second, and finally, Steve’s voice fills the silence. 

 

“When they put you back on ice, I stayed about a month in Wakanda, just to look at you, make sure you were okay, until it got too much. Back then, I came here everyday, at dawn.”

 

Bucky swallows, guilt washing over him like an old friend.

 

“How did you find it?”

 

“My mind was running about as fast as me, so one day, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I got lost. Figured if I found water it’ll lead me back. That’s how I found it. And then the water was loud enough to drown the worst thoughts. And the sound of my breakdowns, occasionally. So I kept coming back, once I found my way” Steve says, and Bucky can tell it's hard for him to admit those things, that he’s only saying it because he thinks it’ll help. He doesn't realize Bucky doesn’t want to break down. He’s tired of breaking down. He’s tired of making other people break down. For once, he wishes he was something else than a burden, that Steve would take him to a waterfall because it's pretty, and not because he thinks Bucky needs someplace to drown his screams. He lets out a sigh, and Steve glances at him.

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

“Nope”

 

“...Anything I can do to help?”

 

“I don’t know, Rogers. Got a magic wand?” Bucky asks, and he realizes exactly how lucky he is that Stark isn't here to answer that one. Steve must think the same, cause he snorts. “You know what, don’t answer that”

 

“I wasn't going to”

 

“You thought it loud enough”

 

Steve laughs at that, and it does work wonders on Bucky’s mood, as it always does. How could it not? The sound dances around them like music, and wraps around him like a blanket. He feels warmer. 

 

Until Steve says the next stupid thing, of course.

 

“You wanna jump?”

 

“What??”

 

“The water is deep enough. I’ve done it before.” He shrugs, and Bucky looks at him, dumbfounded.

 

“Did you just say you jumped off a cliff? Multiple times?”

 

“...Its not that high”

 

“Steven Grant Rogers”

 

The man grins, and Bucky knows exactly whats going to happen, just before it does, but he doesn’t have time to reach out and stop Steve before he runs off and…jump off a fucking cliff and into the water. 

 

Bucky curses. Loudly. A lot. And then he looks down, pretending his mind doesn't get fuzzy with how high it is, and he jumps after him. 

 

The fall feels long, and if Bucky wasn’t already focused on being very mad at Steve, he’d probably be having horrible flashbacks of a very cold fall. Except he isnt. And that feels a bit freeing, somehow. 

 

He hits the water. 

 

Its just as cold as he expected it to be, and he curses again as soon as he swims back to the surface, and then fully tackles a proudly grinning Steve back under the water, and staying firm on his shoulders as they come back up.

 

“I hate you Steve Rogers”

 

“The water’s good! Come on, it wasnt that bad, was it”

 

“I am wearing shoes ” Bucky growls and Steve grins harder.

 

“They’ll dry” He says, and Bucky’s eyes turns into slits. 

 

“Not the point. Stop jumping off of high things”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I said so”

 

“Like that ever stopped me” 

 

Bucky tackles Steve under the water again.

 

Water wrestling is not an easy feat, apparently, and not something Bucky had really attempted before. There's a lot of not breathing, and his shoes are water heavy, and his shirt clings uncomfortably on his skin, and- oh, they’re kissing. Alright. Nevermind. 

 

He doesn't really know how it happens, or who puts his mouth on whose, but he’s not gonna complain, that's for sure. Steve’s hands stops fighting him off to cling onto him instead, and his beard is wet and scratchy against his face, which sounds bad in theory but who gives a shit about theory when practice feels like this? Bucky melts onto Steve’s hold, allowing himself to just forget everything else for a moment, his hand tangling at the back of Steve’s head, where his hair is getting a bit longer, and he can feel Steve’s body shiver a bit. He smirks against the kiss, letting out a low hum, and Steve deepens the kiss, which makes his head swim a bit, and then- he’s in a headlock? What?

 

“I win” Steve says, voice low against Bucky’s ear.

 

“Oh you play dirty, Rogers” Bucky says, breaking from the hold, still a bit winded. 

 

“It’s called efficiency. You should try it once in a while”

 

“Get lost” 

 

Steve grins at him. Bucky smiles back. He always smiles back.

 

They spend a good amount of time in the water, and then drying themselves on the rocks besides them, while Bucky grumbles about how the shoes are never gonna fucking dry, but Steve’s mission is successfull, and Bucky’s mood lightens significantly, Ben mostly forgotten, once again. Like a ticking time bomb in Bucky’s chest. 

 

Or an arrow in the throat. Bucky knows when he’ll pull it out, it’ll hurt, and blood will flow. He only hopes he’ll survive it.

Chapter 43

Steve is beautiful. 

 

Bucky hadn’t taken the time to appreciate that during the war. Because, well, to be fair, he was busy thinking of other things. And maybe, also, just a little bit because he missed the way Steve used to look, small and pretty and so fiery you’d wonder where he managed to keep all that fire. Bucky found it weird, when Steve became Captain America and the fire seemed proportionate to his size now. So, he’d looked at Steve less.

Of course, he’d noticed Steve was hot . That was an evidence. That shoulder to waist ratio was (and is still) criminal. But it’s almost like he was scared to look further, to really lose himself in the sight like he used to do when the two of them were sharing their apartment and Steve was too focused tracing the lines of a drawing to notice Bucky’s lingering eyes on him. Oh, how beautiful he was. A work of art. A subtle masterpiece, like looking up into the clouds during a busy day at work and seeing the sun piercing through and hitting the water. 

 

Even now, thinking about it, Bucky feels some butterflies in his stomach. Or maybe it has something to do with what he’s witnessing at this very minute .

 

Steve’s in the lake, water about up to the hips. He’s wearing a smile that could blind anyone who looked straight at it, semi-long hair wet, sticking to his face and dripping on his shoulders. Water is pearling and sliding down his body as the sun hits his back, and he lets out an exaggerated gasp and a chuckle as another splash of water from kids nearby hits him, and he pretends to try to retaliate. 

 

Bucky did not expect that when he said he wanted to go read by the lake. 

 

He’s been waiting on news from Shuri for almost a week now, and he knows better than to rush her, but doing nothing whilst knowing people were in pain because of his departure made him restless. He needed a distraction. Reading was perfect. 

 

So, Steve wanted to come along. Said he’d been wanting to see the lake again anyways. And when the curious kids regrouped around him and asked if he would play with them in the water, he couldn’t refuse, could he? 

 

Steven fucking Grant Rogers, I hate you. Bucky thinks as he traces each line of his body, unable to focus on the book opened in his lap, abandoned. He’s got a distraction alright. And it's going to be a problem. For multiple reasons.

First being, they’d probably need an army to tear Bucky away from that sight, right now. Second being, he cannot take the book off his lap at the moment, and that is very embarrassing and stupid and Jesus Christ there are children present. Steve’s fault for looking like this, if you ask him.

 

Steve probably feels Bucky’s gaze on him, ‘cause he chooses that moment to turn around, and Bucky doesn't even try to pretend he was looking at the book. Steve’s smile turns into a small smirk and the motherfucker winks , before sliding under the water entirely, disappearing for a second and reappearing behind the kids, who all squeal excitedly, while Bucky tries to remember how to breathe. 

 

He'll have Steve pay for that. As soon as his body starts regaining function again, that is.

He sighs, leaning back with a pained groan until his back hits the grass. It's physically hurting him not to look right now, but he has to reel his mind back in, to get back in control. It’s getting harder, each day, even though Steve is awfully appropriate. Like, all of the time. You’d swear they’re still in the thirties and Steve’s about to ask Bucky’s dad if he can take him to the school dance. Seriously.

Bucky doesn’t even really know what's going on with them anyways. Most days, it feels like they’re just like before, except that they’re arguing over house plans instead of war plans. Plus some chaste kisses and hand holding under the covers, in their room like it's a secret, even though T'challa and Shuri already know. 

Other days, there’s…a tension there. That also probably used to be there before, except they never acknowledged it, or had to. Steve usually steer clear of him those days, when the sun goes down. Bucky doesn’t know where to. He doesn’t ask, because he doesn't know what to do about it, either. When he thinks about how to solve the issue…well. There's two very flagrant reactions in his body and mind. One is fear, disgust, reluctance. One is desire, want, hunger. He knows which one comes from trauma, and which one comes from him. It doesn't make it feel any less real, doesn't make his mouth taste less like bile.

Bucky lets his eyes flutter close, breathing in and out. Come on Barnes. Self control.

He startled by the voice of someone he didn't hear coming

“Well thats a tripping hazard” Loki’s voice resonates from over him, and he punches up without thinking about it. Loki doesn't even flinch, dodging effortlessly.

 

“...what the fuck?!” Bucky sputters, looking up at his friend, still startled and a little pissed.

 

“Hello to you too” Loki answers flatly.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“...I’m bored”

 

“...and???”

 

“You make me…less bored?”

 

“I’m not the king’s fool, Loki. Go get entertained some other place. I’m busy”

Loki looks at him, unimpressed, and suddenly there's a sort of fancy, rich people beach chair underneath Bucky, and Loki’s also laying down on one. Bucky groans.

“You could ask before doing your magic tricks. I liked the grass”

Loki rolls his eyes.

“Stop whining and be grateful. You looked pitiful on that grass, like a beggar.”

Bucky raises his knee to kick Loki’s chair at that, giving it a solid hit that makes a leg fold under it, and the guy yelps dramatically. Bucky smirks. Damn. He missed him, too. 

 

Or at least he thinks so until the new chair disappears from under him and he falls ass first on the grass.

Honestly, he deserved it. He snorts. 

 

“You seem well” Loki says, looking down at him now that he’s back on the ground. “When Stark said you were being healed, I assumed your mortal body had failed you.”

 

“Oh you look awfully worried”

 

“I wasn’t.”

 

“Ouch”

 

Loki rolls his eyes. 

 

“There are great healers in Asgard. There's little of your human diseases that our technology can't cure”

 

“It's the second time you offered me a little trip to your planet. Careful, I might start thinking you like me” Bucky teases, a hint of a smirk on his face.

 

“I liked you better when you were silently brooding, that is for certain. You made for a great audience back then” Loki sighs in yearning, and Bucky has to hold himself back from kicking the chair again.

“I don’t brood” He grumbles, and he doesn't even really protests when Loki sends him an unimpressed glance. He knows.

 

Bucky leans back on the grass, covering his face with his arm nonchalantly

“You know, if you just came here to complain you can-” Bucky starts saying, but he’s interrupted by what feels like a ton of bricks being dropped on his stomach, pushing the air out of his lungs.

 

He startles, sitting up, only to see his (precious) books that he’d left home cascading from his chest and all over the ground, into the grass. He glares up at Loki, who is looking at him all innocently.

 

“You left this at home. Your beast was starting to get bored and eat it, so.”

 

“My what ?”

 

“The beast. The furry thing that looks suspiciously like a Flerken”

 

“A what ?!?!?!?!”

 

“The white creature! The one that you talk to in a weirdly high tone when you think no one can hear you!”

 

“Do you mean my cat ?!”

 

“If thats what you call it” Loki shrugs, and Bucky can’t help but feel a little sting at the thought of a fury white ball of sass and affection waiting for him all alone in his apartment. 

 

“She alright?” He asks, a flash of vulnerability showing, and Loki raise a brow

 

“Oh yes. She spends her days climbing stuff that she shouldn't and then struggling to get down. Its very entertaining” He says, and Bucky smiles, because he can picture it perfectly, and then he stops smiling because that's obviously a betrayal to Alpine

 

“How much time do you spend in my apartment exactly?” He asks once he realizes Loki speaks like he spends a lot of time around his cat (which Bucky obviously isn't jealous about at all)

 

“Its convenient.” Loki says, vague, and Bucky squints.

 

“Convenient for what?”

 

“I…miss you?”

 

Bucky kicks the chair again, and his foot goes right through this time. He doesn't question it, moving on immediately, because this is a much more interesting distraction than reading. 

 

“Bullshit. Is this about jetskies?”

 

“No, it isnt” Loki says, and Bucky straight up stares at him until he’s uncomfortable, which is a very awkward amount of time. “ Its not , okay? I do not care about jet skies”

 

“I know that. Jetskies are a euphemism for a secret other thing” 

 

“Stop talking.”

 

“You came here ”

 

“And I am already regretting it”

 

“Alright then, spit it out. What do you want?”

 

Loki hesitates, which is a rare and very weird thing to see. Bucky almost scrunches up his face.

 

“Nothing” his friend finally settles on, and Bucky’s eyes turn into slits.”By all the realms, must you persist? …Fine , then. I…was wondering. What kinds of things do slightly smaller humanoids enjoy?”

 

“Slightly smaller? Like..teenagers?”

 

“Perhaps. Perhaps even smaller” Loki answers carefully, and Bucky frowns

 

“What are you doing, seriously? Are you building an army of angsty teens?”

 

“Will you answer me or not?”

 

“I don’t know! Why do you ask me? Do I look like I know anything about kids?”

 

“The spiderboy likes you enough”

 

“He doesn't count. He’s like a puppy, he likes everyone.” Bucky grumbles, and now his heart stings again and Loki is starting to piss him off. He doesn't have time to think about depressing things. He has to get cured. He has to fix it, and that’ll make everything better. Until then, thinking about it doesn't help.

 

“It doesnt matter. I must know, and so you will tell me”

 

“Oh? I will now, will I?” Bucky asks, cold as eyes, and he’s met with an equal amount of annoyance

 

“Do you never stop? This is tiresome. You’re my only…ally, in this world. Don’t be so difficult. I brought you your tomes, didn’t I?”

 

“Because you wanted something in exchange.”

 

“Just a small amount of information”

 

“Well I don’t have an answer for you. I know nothing of kids. Try some…chocolate or something”

 

“Thats a peasant gift. I’m talking about a real gift”

“A peasant gift??”

 

“Oh you know what I mean”

 

“How about you figure it out yourself th-”

 

“What’s going on?” Steve interrupts Bucky midsentence, and Bucky hadn’t even realized he had come out of the water. Typical Loki to make him miss the best part of the show.

“Loki’s asking weird questions abou-” Bucky starts speaking and then gets interrupted again , this time by a book flying up and hitting him straight in the jaw. He puffs, offended, but when he turns again to look at Loki, his friend has disappeared. Bucky guesses that means to shut up. He lets out a deep sigh, picking up the book that just flew in his face.

It’s Harry Potter. The last book. He’d never finished it, because Ben was insisting they had to read it together but they were always too busy going one place and another. The bookmark is still hanging out of it, its one that Ben had given him halfway around the third book when he’d realized Bucky was just remembering which page he had left off. It's a stupid one, very corny, all white with quirky blue writings that said ‘quitter strip’. Bucky hated it, and he had smiled every single time he had to stop reading. Theres a lump in his throat

 

His day was going so well .

 

He just has to fix it. He’ll get cured, and everything will be better, he reminds himself, gently adding the book to the pile that formed onto the ground. Steve is looking at him, a frown on his face.

 

“There were children around, Bucky. You can’t have him here” He says eventually, and Bucky raises a brow, confused.

 

“What?”

 

“Loki. He can’t come here”

 

“Wha- Okay? What's that gotta do with me? I’m not his sitter.”

 

Steve seems surprised by the annoyed tone, and he softens a little.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine, Steve. Jesus. I’m not made of glass” Bucky snaps back, and he doesn't even really know why he’s acting out. He’s not feeling anything. He’s not thinking about anything. HE’s fine. 

 

Steve tenses a little too. Ah shit. There we go.

 

“I was just checking on you, Buck. No need to get defensive”

 

“I’m not defensive. I just don't understand why everyone assumes Loki listens to me.”

 

“I was just asking you to tell him-”

 

“How about you tell him? Maybe the reason everybody thinks we have this special bond or something is just because I’m the only one who talks to him like he’s not some dogshit on the sidewalk”

 

“Alright, you know what, I’m not having this talk right now. You’re clearly upset for some reason- ”

 

“Good. I’m not having this talk either. Lets just not talk, for one fucking moment.”

 

“Right, because saying nothing and sitting in it is what you do best” Steve snaps, and Bucky is up within a second. He sees red, pushing Steve backward, and then his vision blurs and switches, and he gasps at the vision of young Steve before the memory fully hits him. 

 

“Stop it, Rogers. I mean it this time!” Bucky says, and his voice is younger, just barely cracking around the edges, as he pushes his friend backwards.

 

Young Steve looks up at him with fire in his eyes and his hands in little fists, too small for how old they are. 

 

“Why are you defending them?” He asks, voice filled with barely contained anger. “Didnt you hear what they said about my ma?”

 

“I’m not defending them, Steve, but there's no point in trying to jump guys like, at least four years older than us just because they’re a bunch of stool pigeons, yeah? You’ll get beat up”

 

“I don’t care” Steve jaws, and Bucky feels something ticks in his jaw

 

“Yeah? And who’s gonna have to pick up the pieces, huh? You think your ma’s gonna be happy to see you limp around for weeks? You think I wanna have to jump in the middle to save you from yourself again? Cause I don’t”

 

Steve’s face falters for just a second before its stone cold determination again

 

“I don’t need you to help. I don't even want you to help. I never asked”

 

“Careful Rogers, cause you’re gonna get whatchu want. If you go over there, I’m not jumping in. You’re on your own” Bucky says harshly, hoping Steve’ll back down, holding himself straight not breaking eye contact.

 

Come on, Stevie.

 

His friend lifts up his sleeves and walks around him towards the group of boy that had badmouthed his mother. Bucky’s hope deflates like a balloon. He doesn't turn, just listening to the sound of what starts as a conversation and quickly turns into shouts and thuds. He doesn't move, glaring ahead like a statue, not until he hears Steve small, barely there yelp of pain, and then he lets out a deep sigh, rolling his eyes, and slowly swirling around.

 

Dumbass fucking Steve Rogers, always getting them into trouble.

 

His first punch meets one of the older boys straight in the nose. Bucky can't say there isn't a slight satisfaction in seeing him bleed. Its the one that said Steve’s ma should've stayed on the potato boat. He deserves at least a little bleeding. He hits again


Bucky gasps back into reality, Steve still standing in front of him, now looking worried instead of angry, although Bucky can tell there's still a hint of annoyance in his stance, flashing behind the worry in his eyes. 

 

Thats not how it goes. Steve and Bucky don’t fight, not really. They’re not meant to. It's against nature. Bucky takes a careful step back, heart racing as he lets the anger flood out of him like all the rest of the things he’s been feeling that he doesn't think he should be. Steve’s worry takes a little more space in his eyes. Bucky gives him a half smile. A peace offering. They’re good at those. 

 

Steve’s head tilt to the side, like he hesitates, and Bucky feels himself feeling just like the tiny version of him, standing in front of Steve Rogers and begging silently that this doesn’t end in a fight.

 

He doesn’t get an answer, because something catches Steve’s attention behind them, and when Buky swirls around, Shuri is standing there, looking uncomfortable. She looks at him, hesitating a second before finally opening her mouth.

 

“She’s ready”