Escaping the Silence

by im_dead_tired

Summary:

With Leo gone, Raph only showing up to pick fights and Donnie a nervous wreck, Mikey hated being home.

So, he would stay out as long as possible.

Notes:

Read the Trigger Warnings just to be safe :]

Trigger Warnings:

- description of panic attacks
- casual dismissal of another's own mental health issues
- stressing about death via old age
- mentions of trauma; beating, screaming and fire.

I may or may not have 'spat this out' at 3am in one go, but I actually haven't finished writing chapters 2 or 3, and ill be rlly busy over the next month, so we shall see if I manage to upload before easter is out.

Chapter 1: I hate my job.

The cacophony of children's screams and the frequent outbursts of whacking, hitting, and kicking evoked memories he thought he had left behind.

Mikey's job was chill at first, playing with a few kids at their birthday seemed easy and was. The first few gigs came and went, and Mikey was incredibly pleased with the amount of birthday cake people would give away. It was a nice reprieve from the cold quiet of the lair these days, the loudness of the parties bringing some life into his life now Leo was gone, Raph had as-good-as followed him, and Donnie was working all day.

Don’t get him wrong, Mikey still managed to bother Donnie during evenings when both of them were off work, they would watch movies together and it was nice, but the weeks after Donnie decided to start his own work, Mikey had been alone in the lair, maybe alone for the first time in his life. Art and cooking and cartoons only proved so much of a distraction when all Mikey craved was some physical contact, some rough-housing with his brothers, some bloody company.

Two weeks after Leo left Mikey had set up a prank for Raph, to lighten his spirits ya know? It wasn’t anything damaging, and it wasn’t anything that Raph should have gotten annoyed about, but of course he did. He was in a mood. He was always I”n a mood”. Well, Donnie had asked Mikey to ‘not make his life harder’ so Mikey let up, which proved boring and turned the days so monotonous that Mikey’s brain would be left buzzing all day with pent up energy, the kind of fizzing feeling that skating alone didn’t help dissipate, the kind of mildly painful feeling that left him overstimulated if he didn’t get-up-and-do-something-now, the kind of feeling his brothers used to help with.

So, he took on more jobs, at least then he was out of the lair. Vaguely he wondered if it was some unhealthy dependency on his brothers who were the only people apart from his dad that he interacted with for 15 years… or if it was entirely normal to get depressed when you’re alone and lonely and sad.

As Cowabunga Carl started to become more popular among kids, they started getting a bit more violent. It was a slow build up at first, courtesy of his own giant foam nunchucks; the kids wanted a go swinging them around, hitting each other and him. It was fine, cute even as he instructed them how to not hurt themselves or others. But as he got more popular, older kids booking him, kids becoming more comfortable with him and the parent’s being led to believe that his ‘foam suit’ protected him… well the kids started to hit harder. And sometimes brought their own objects to throw at him or whack him with, which was just great. Exactly what he signed up for, ‘no really, Donnie its not that bad-‘

He was a mutant with a hard shell and had graduated as a ninja when he was 14, he could deal with it just fine. Or that’s what he kept telling himself as he fought not to flinch 4 months into this new and (Hey Don, what’s the opposite of improved? “Not now Mikey.”) un-improved development. Apparently, being hit and kicked without being able to defend yourself proved to be an unexpected trigger for him.

As a seasoned ninja, (Ha! Paprika ninja. He would be turmeric ninja of course, courtesy of orange,) he had faced perilous battles and rescued countless individuals, including frightened children. Yet, now, the relentless onslaught of chaos of each birthday party caused him to sweat through his too-large, and too-stuffy mask, the stress stirring, well it just tended to echo of his past feats - just a little bit - no matter how great they were at the time and left him grappling with uncomfortable emotions. Especially considering his environment. Oh, no, but of course he would love to have a panic attack in the middle of some little-dude’s birthday party, that would be perfect. Just. Perfect.

Parties had children being messy and screaming, he had anticipated that, heck he had even anticipated having to deal with the horrible texture and smell of vomit all down his front that one time a mother wanted a picture of Cowabunga Carl with her very upset toddler. Had not been a fun end to his day, but at least he was compensated and got to leave early.

He had anticipated, mess and screaming and kids being slightly rough. But as the parents quietly chatted around him all he could hear was a distant ringing, his body bruised and battered as he smelled smoke from the fire. In the midst of seemingly harmless chaos, as the children shrieked and played, he stumbled slightly to sit down as their innocent laughter intertwined with the haunting echoes of screams from a not-so-distant past. Mikey's heart raced, his palms grew clammy, and his breath quickened with each shrill cry. It was just little Bailey arguing with Jonas- Jones?- Jone-something. Whatever. Just kids being kids.

He wasn’t being beat up by the Foot.

It wasn’t the night were Leo was defenestrated.

There is no scream of horror of someone being stabbed in a back alley before Mikey could get to them.

Zac isn’t here crying with what might be his last breaths.

There is no fire.

He is breathing clean air goddamnit. There is no smoke. That’s just birthday cake. Just birthday cake.

He never wants to go to another birthday party. He never wants to eat way-too-sweet buttercream ever again.

He never wants to have to sing the happy birthday song again. Which is so dumb because now the happy birthday song just smells of smoke and burning in his lungs.

Now whenever he sees a kid, he is just reminded of Zac, his desperate cries deafening in Mikey’s ears as he raced against time.

So ya, he hated his job. And he might just hate kids now too.

Which sucks cause it seemed so logical at first, so easy as well. Mikey had many many regrets. Each time he entered the Shellraiser, now converted into the ‘Cowabunga Carl party van’, he had to take some deep breaths and hype himself up before he turned on his comm so Donnie could direct him to the next hellscape he had to perform for.

He took up this job because it paid decently and got him out of the house. But now he was out, out of the horrible isolation of the lair, yet still forcing himself into a different kind of pain… but he couldn’t tell Donnie. His poor older brother who was hanging on by the skin of his teeth. He needed Donnie as happy as possible, and if he told Donnie, his older brother would force him to stop, which would put Donnie under even more stress. They were already relying on what food banks would give away as to not let Master Splinter know money was tight, no way would Mikey compromise this family even more.

So, Mikey put up with it, and despite everything, he is glad he did.

Mikey met Woody Dirkins after a terrible day. He had had 2 parties back-to-back, about 5 hours each, and had to deal with a horrible parent who insulted him and nearly refused to pay him if this lady - who was clearly a friend of theirs - hadn’t stepped in he might have just left without the payment. He was so tired. He stumbled into the Shellraiser, made it all of 6 minutes driving away from that horrible, horrible house, before the non-existent smell of smoke overtook him and he pulled over haphazardly, running out of the van and into a nearby alleyway to cry it out.

Crying was good for the soul, but Mikey couldn’t be out here in the middle of New York vulnerable, it just put him more on edge, which was not at all productive for his oncoming panic attack. But the next thing he knew a warm hand was on his shoulder, his own hand pressed into someone’s chest. He could feel their heartbeat, and he could hear their words; “in and out, there you go.”

Coming down from a panic attack was never pleasant, but gradually, as the memories start to subside, there's a sense of relief, of calm. His breathing begins to steady, the racing of his heart begins to slow, and the chaotic thoughts start to quiet down. It's like finding a small oasis of calm amidst the storm, a moment of respite from the overwhelming onslaught of fear and anxiety.

Mikey looked up to meet who must have been his soulmate because the delight of a man that was Woody Dirkins had come across a giant walking, talking turtle, helped him come down from a panic attack with the expertise that comes with having a little sister with ASD, and then offered him a fresh, just out the oven, pizza.

Woody worked as a pizza delivery guy, had actually delivered to them a few times, small world. They were a fairly recognisable order to be fair, a shit ton of pizza delivered to a grate in an alleyway. They were the local pizza legends after all. But Woody was on his way to have his own takeaway dinner at home, so he invited Mikey back with him. Mikey compromised with sitting up on a rooftop, so he didn’t leave Donnie’s beloved van all alone and ripe for carjacking. Van-jacking.

It became a regular thing. Pizza on the rooftops after Mikey was done for the day. As he spent more time with Woody, Mikey began to feel that easy, lovely ease and comfort while around him, Woody was laid-back, which was refreshing, and Mikey didn’t feel like he had to put any ‘effort’ into their conversations or their time together – you know? So, he started hanging out with Woody more often than he was home. He still went home of course at 6.30 at the latest to make and have dinner with Donnie and Master Splinter, but when Donnie retreated back to his lab Mikey would leave again until late. Sometimes he would sleep over, crash midway through a movie marathon. Mikey had asked a bit at the beginning if it was okay, if he should leave, but Woody had said he was always welcome, that he was “a vibe” and if Woody wasn’t up to seeing someone that day he would tell Mikey, but other than that Mikey could come round “whenever”.

Mikey didn’t tell anyone about Woody. They didn’t notice him going out anyways. Everything was fine, Mikey was the happiest he had been in a while, which made Donnie happier. He even managed to drag the older into a Lord of the Rings marathon finally! – the extended version.

Mikey couldn't help but feel a twinge of something uncomfortable as he watched Donnie exhaustion and stress lining his face, weighing him down even after he had passed out midway through Two Towers. He had jolted himself awake after an hour, with a crick in his neck. Seeing Donnie yawn loudly and stretch his arms with a small smile of satisfaction, it was like catching a glimpse of the Donnie he should be. As he grumbled and spouted some nonsense about hobbits perceiving the world as a bagel. But then the illusion would shatter as quick as it formed. No matter how much Mikey engaged him, Donnie was so obviously tired that Mikey felt bad for even suggesting they do a marathon. Donnie could probably be using this time to actually get some sleep in. But what would make things better is a sleepover! It was just a matter of snuggling up to Donnie and dropping some hints about not wanting to go to bed because ‘I had a nightmare last night’. Mikey did in fact get nightmares, but Donnie got them alarmingly consistency. That meaning literally every night.

Now, the nightmares weren’t exactly new. After saving the world and risking your life a few times, nightmares were a given, but the frequency was concerning. It didn't take long for Mikey to connect the dots—his older brother's increasing stress levels were taking a toll on his mental well-being. So, he had made it his mission to ensure Donnie ate properly, he forced breaks using his youngest brother privilege, and bought some bean bags for the lab, so they could hang out there when Donnie still wanted to work on something. Sometimes even bunking down in the lab with him to chase away the nightmares with a small turtle pile. But Donnie didn’t make it easy. And Mikey couldn’t lie, he was getting tired of the whole song and dance.

Now Mikey was spending more time away from the lair, Donnie seemed more willing to ‘be nagged’ when Mikey was home. So maybe the best thing to do would be to stop being so uptight with Donnie? But also maybe not, because Donnie might start neglecting sleep again…

When Mikey was home, he would alternate from nagging Donnie to spending time with Master Splinter. His father must be lonely, at least somewhat. They would play all sorts of board games on the days Master Splinter indulged him, and on others they would simply meditate together. It was something Master Splinter had always done with Leo, and a part of Mikey thought that maybe if he got good enough at meditating, he would be able to reach out to Leo… somewhere on the spiritual plane thing that Leo was always going on about. Not that either of them had ever been able to do that before, but a turtle could hope.

Mikey would never want to think negatively of his father. He loves Master Splinter as easily as a breathing. But in Mikey's heart, there's a tangled ball of yarn, like a cat has bat at it over the years and it got all messy. Despite harbouring some deep-seated discontentment with their father's decisions, there's an undeniable reverence for the old rat who had raised them. Sure, there were times when Mikey couldn't help but feel a pang of resentment, especially considering Splinter's role in sending Leo away and the pressure he had always placed on Leo and Raph and now Donnie too... But beneath it all, Splinter remained their dad, and as Splinter grew older, Mikey couldn't shake off the subtle signs that Splinter was aging. It wasn't just the grey fur that was starting to show around his muzzle or the slight tremor in his paws as he reached for his teacup. It was the way he moved more slowly, the way his usually sharp eyes seemed to lose focus more often. Mikey had always seen Splinter as this invincible figure, the rock-solid foundation of their family. But he wasn’t a kid anymore and at 18, he now realised that his father wasn't immune to the passage of time. So, Mikey felt an urgency, a desire to make the most of the time they had left together. He wanted to cherish his father, he saw how his father missed Leo and despite how hard he was on them, he was doing his best. He was doing what he thought was best. So, Mikey shoved all the ugly feelings down, and plastered on a smile convincing enough to fool April, so it had to be convincing enough to fool his father.

But Leo was slow to reply to Mikey’s letters, like really slow, and getting slower. His responses to Mikey’s ramblings were short and simple, but without the flare that made Leo Leo, ya know. Quite frankly it sucked, it felt like Leo’s physical distance was ever increasing. Why he didn’t take a phone Mikey would never understand, (he could never go without movies for a whole year!) but Leo had always been a perfectionist and a workaholic. Mikey couldn’t wait until he was home.

-

Mikey had stopped making regular breakfasts for the family. He had excused himself due to work and all, but honestly, he just didn’t find cooking fun anymore, it felt like a chore. And Mikey loved cooking, he didn’t want it to feel like a chore! So he cut down on it in hopes that he would… get better? I guess? Same as cutting down on spending time with Donnie so that when he did spend time with Donnie it was even sweeter!

Donnie often took his breakfast to the lab, Raph was never awake that early and Master Splinter only ate breakfast with the family on weekends. For their usual shopping list Mikey bought cereal, pre-sliced bread and jam. Yogurt, granola and berries. Anything that was pre-made, that he could slap into a bowl and call a day. Sometimes he missed eggs, they were his favourite breakfast food to make; runny yolk on an eggs benedict or something similar.

Lunches were a different story, Mikey made most of those on Mondays – his day off from work because no one had a birthday party on a Monday. He would spend all day Monday in the kitchen pretty much, prepping at least four lunches worth to lighten his load during the week. Mikey had been repetitive recently, which was fine up until Master Splinter had approached him one day asking if he was okay. Of course he brushed it off, he was just settling into work life is all. He tried to not be too repetitive after that. Scouring the internet for different types of things to cook. Lets spruce up the menu, make things fun, lets get some traditional food in there, and lets destroy tradition entirely to make something even tastier!

Mikey managed to convince Donnie out of the lab about once a week to share a lunch. Master Splinter usually ate earlier than Donnie, so while sometimes they would eat together, often Master Splinter ate alone. Mikey couldn’t help but wonder if his father was lonely or if he really did just like the solitude.

Raph usually didn’t wake up until noon-ish which ran the risk of him interrupting their lunch in the kitchens. Mikey was debating allowing Donnie to eat in the lab because of this. He didn’t want to though, because if Donnie started eating in the lab he would never leave the goddamn lab. But the kitchen was open to the lounge so they couldn’t just move to the lounge, and they really did have to move because Donnie and Raph got into it every. Single. Time.

Today was one of those days, and as Raph strode briskly through the kitchen, Donnie eyed him warily. Mikey groaned internally.

"Hey, where's the fire, Raph?" Donnie quipped, voice light and airy as if Raph hadn’t been avoiding him for the past month.

Raph's response, however, was far from jovial. With a dismissive wave of his hand, he shot back, "None of your beeswax Asshole."

A flash of irritation crossed Donnie’s features, the regular face he made when talking to, referring to or thinking about his twin these days. "Geez, no need to be so touchy," he muttered under his breath.

Mikey knew all too well the volatile dynamic between his brothers by now. He had felt that all too familiar spark of irritation that seemed to be infecting all his brothers recently, but unlike them he forced himself to chill the fuck out fairly successfully each time. He took a deep breath and relaxed, everything would be happy-go lucky, Raph couldn’t take this from them, Mikey was too tired to suffer through Donnie having another meltdown. And wasn’t that just a horrible thought. Mikey was a horrible brother.

"Ignore him Don, Raph's got his own thing going on." He stated with a wave of his hand, hoping Donnie would do just that and just let Raph leave without a fight for once.

But Donnie wasn't about to back down, they were both so stubborn. As stubborn as their absent older brother. Mikey cursed his stupid, hardheaded siblings.

"Yeah, well, so do the rest of us," he retorted, his frustration bubbling to the surface. "It wouldn't hurt Raph to show a little consideration once in a while."

Raph's beak curled down into a sneer as he shot a pointed look in Donnie's direction. "Consideration? Coming from you? That's rich."

Mikey winced at the escalating tension, only relaxing as Raph stormed out of the kitchen. Thank God. It seemed like peace was always just out of reach in their household.

Mikey couldn't help but feel a deep-seated frustration every time he came across Raph in the lair these days. His older brother was mostly holed up in his room, sleeping the day away, ignoring or yelling at Mikey whenever he tried to bring Raph food or drink. Of course, because what else would he do but yell?

Sometimes Mikey came home from work, wanting to pass out but knowing he would have to cook instead of taking a nice long bath, and there Raph would be, slouching on the couch like it was his throne, taking up more space than necessary, and staring blankly at the television screen. Raph had been so angry the first month after Leo left. So, so angry he got into an argument that Mikey had only heard through the walls, had put his headphones on and blasted his music so loud his ears were ringing as he picked up the broken purple pieces of his usually so put-together, so smart and level-headed older brother. Raph had left that night. Mikey spent the next few hours putting Donnie to bed. But that was months ago. And now… It was as if Raph had resigned himself to a life of lethargy, content to waste away the hours with mindless entertainment – he didn’t even like what he was watching, and Mikey knew it! (Sometimes it would be gameshows that use to drive Raph up the wall with how dumb they were, and sometimes just be the news. Raph never watched the damn news.) The way he sat there, indifferent, and unresponsive, grated on Mikey's nerves. He had stopped feeling sympathy sometime after the fifth month of this… self-pity – whatever it was. Because it had been months. After they originally stopped patrolling (because Raph refused to listen to a word Donnie said and ended up getting hurt) Mikey had done his best to help Raph adjust, had tried to support Raph with everything and was just rebuffed and shouted at. He had done his best, he was so tired of chaining this family together when, clearly all they wanted was to self-destruct considering the amount of resistance he was always shown. He didn’t want to be shouted at anymore, or shoved, or rebuffed constantly.

Mikey never ignored Raph, despite wanting to show his brother a taste of his own medicine. He rose above it despite that petty instinct constantly nagging at the back of his mind. He tried his best to stay upbeat, politely exchanging pleasantries when Raph passed by, not that Raph ever stuck around Mikey long enough for a real conversation.

Mikey felt like shit when he was at home. But Donnie needed him. So, Mikey did his best. He would meet with Woody during lunch breaks, and boy wasn’t it refreshing to be around someone who actually enjoyed his company. Who didn’t need anything from him other than to relax in each other’s presence. And after work he returned dutifully and had dinner with his father and Donnie. Reminded Donnie to sleep, encouraged Donnie to chat with April a bit, woke Donnie when he was having a nightmare, and comforted Donnie back to sleep. It was almost like clockwork.

-

April was busy a lot of the time and Raph was with Casey a lot of evenings – which was good, even if that meant Mikey hadn’t seen Casey recently. April still tried to make time for them, Mikey forced Donnie to join her for movie nights about once every two to three weeks. Any excuse for him to leave his lab and get some fresh air. Mikey didn’t see April much without Donnie though, but April was Donnie’s best friend and Mikey had his own secret best friend so that was fine. It was totally fine.

They still texted, hours apart but their broken conversations full of pictures of stray cats were enough for Mikey.

Mikey often found himself hovering over his phone, thumb pausing uncertainly above the screen as he caught himself in the familiar routine of asking April to pick up toilet roll, more bread, those things you put in a toilet so it cleans itself when it flushes. She didn’t buy things for them anymore, shad her own place now, her own responsibilities. This was fine, what wasn’t fine was that Raph wouldn’t go fetch these things if Mikey asked. Nor if Donnie asked. Which meant that Mikey would have to do everything a per usual. Unless… Mikey shot Casey a quick text, with a sigh, Mikey set his phone down, why was something so stupid making him so sad? Raph wasn’t even worth his tears right now! He had sent Casey request to bluff that April needed them to go pick up some stuff from the shop… hopefully Raph would pick more toilet roll up if they were already at the store when Mikey messaged. And hopefully he wouldn’t let Casey pay. Mikey knew he usually took cash from the former swear jar turned pizza money – which was actually just a few bucks a day that Mikey dropped off in there so that Raph didn’t have to rely on Casey to pay for him every single time they went out. While April would probably be fine with it, she didn’t need the added stress when her work was rocky right now.

Raph owed him endless cocktails and Mikey was willing to collect that debt once Leo returned.

-

Mikey closed the lab door with a quiet click. He could see Donnie’s apathetic façade crack ever so slightly. He selfishly hoped it wouldn’t shatter.

"Okay Dee, it's time for a break! Movie break!"

His brother sat hunched over his desk, his untrimmed nails clacking over the keyboard, a calculator clutched in his other hand. The faint glow of his computer screen illuminated his features, accentuating the shadows under his eyes.

Donnie glanced up briefly, before returning to his screen. "I can't, Mikey. I'm in the middle of budgeting," he replied, his voice strained.

Mikey frowned, “Dee-“

Donnie cut him off, “You wanted that comic thing, right. If you want it, you need to leave me be. Splinter has been going through his tea twice as fast as he used to, so I need to order some more by tomorrow or he’ll be out, I just need to consider that with the shopping list you gave me okay, because I was gonna set up a savings account but I don’t have e- just, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be done in two minutes.”

Civil War had come out the month prior, and with it a load of merchandise, sure he loved the Silver Sentry, and the comic was fire, but any desire he had had for the stupid merch almost immediately decapitated at Donnie’s words. He felt selfish for even mentioning it to Donnie. Fuck he hated being poor.

“Don’t worry about that, I don’t need anything, I’ll get stuff for myself if I have leftover cash, yeah?”

“I can probably squeeze in the video game-“
“Forget it, really Don. I don’t even know when I would have time to play it. But when I do, I’ll just get it for myself with my own lil cash stash.”

Donnie looked at Mikey, regret evident. “I’m sorry Mikey. I was going to set up some savings-“

Mikey ignored him. "Donnie, it's late, you've been working too many hours. You need a break."

Donnie sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm fine, Mikey. It's not a big deal," he insisted, but the weariness in his voice betrayed his words.

Mikey's heart sank at the sight of his brother's exhaustion. This wasn't the first time he'd seen Donnie like this, it was practically a daily occurrence by now. Overwhelmed and burdened by responsibilities he shouldn't have to bear alone. Mikey loved his father, but at times like these he wished Splinter hadn’t felt the need to ‘elect a new leader’. Leo wasn’t the head of the family, and neither was Donnie. Yes, they were adults, but Splinter was they father. Why couldn’t he help?

(Whenever Mikey caught himself thinking like this, he felt like punching himself – just viscerally decking himself good. Because he knew that Splinter was practically blind, that he had chronic pains just about everywhere with his body getting more fragile, that his claws and teeth had to be filed down twice a month which messed with his dexterity, that he was old and couldn’t read a screen without destroying his already deteriorating eyesight.)

"I know you say you're fine, but I can see how stressed you are," Mikey said softly, "You don't have to carry all of this on your own, Donnie. ‘B Team stands for Best-Team’, remember?"

Donnie looked away; his expression conflicted. "I don't know how much more of this I can take, Mikey," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.

Mikey's heart ached at his brother's admission. He wanted to reassure Donnie, to tell him everything would be okay, but the words caught in his throat. Instead, he nodded, and brought Donnie into a hug. He felt goosebumps on his arms at the coldness of the lab.

"Come on, Donnie. Let's take a break," Mikey urged after a minute. "We can watch a movie and forget about everything else for a while. It'll be good for both of us."

Things would be better once Leo returned. Donnie had always looked up to him, and despite any hidden resentment from this whole ✨situation✨ Donnie would be lighter once Leo could help out with Raph and take over some of these duties that had piled up in his absence. Once Raph and Donnie were talking again things would be better. They obviously missed each other.

Things would be better once Leo returned.

-

-

-

Leo doesn't return home at the year mark.

At first, the family reassured themselves with thoughts of delayed travels, unexpected detours, or perhaps an urgent mission detaining him. But as days turned into weeks with no word from Leo, despite April posting several letters, their optimism waned, replaced by a lingering sense of unease.

If Mikey had thought the lair felt empty before… well, he had survived knowing that Leo would return sooner every day. Now though… The lair felt emptier than ever. Leo’s absence casting a shadow over their daily routines. Everything felt quieter.

Splinter was obviously sad, Donnie has refused to comment on it, his worry almost palpable whenever Leo’s name was brought up. But Raph was predictably the one to bring it up first.

“You think he’s dead then?”

Donnie’s head whipped to his twin, a carefully blank look over his face.

“Shut up Raph!” Mikey let out, standing up so suddenly his seat crashed to the floor. “You didn’t even fucking write to him.”

Raph scoffed, face hard. “So you think he just stayed away ‘cause he likes it there better or something?”

Mikey flinched. He didn’t look at Donnie who was suddenly so quiet. “What like you? You’re can’t say shit Raphael, you have abandoned this family! Leo’s miles away but you might as well be!”

He grabbed Don by the arm and slammed the lab door as loud as he could.

Mikey couldn't bear to entertain the idea, couldn't fathom the thought of Leo willingly leaving them behind. Yet, as each day passed without a sign of his brother, the seed of doubt took root, blooming into a consuming fear. And he had hadn’t he. He left them a year ago, and he chose to continue to leave them now.

He tried to push the thoughts away, burying them beneath layers of false hope and reassurances that he verbalised as he rubbed Donnie’s arms, shoulder to elbow. Grounding Donnie came first. But deep down, a nagging voice echoed in his mind, taunting him with the possibility that Leo had chosen to leave them, to abandon them, that he wanted to leave, that Mikey wasn’t wanted. That Mikey and the promise of family wasn’t enough to bring Leo home… That Mikey might as well have driven both of his older brothers away with his clinginess and neediness.

It tore at Mikey's heart.

And then Donnie kicked him out. That hadn’t happened since he was 16. Since his diagnosis had Donnie trying to be more accommodating. Donnie had set up a system to cater to Mikey’s ADHD, a set of rules Mikey had to follow to cater to Donnie’s own OCD. Mikey had been asked to leave before while Donnie was stressed, but Mikey had never been thrown out while Donnie was clearly two loud noises away from a panic attack.

Mikey drifted back past the lounge; Raph was gone. Mikey sent Casey a text. Sometimes Mikey wished Raph would just leave for good and stop taunting him like this. Hopefully Raph wouldn’t leave for good… Mikey hoped Raph wouldn’t leave because of him. Mikey's shoulders slumped as he realized there was no one to turn to.

The weight of loneliness settles heavily upon him as he quietly enters his bedroom. He hadn’t slept in here for weeks. Slipping beneath the covers, he feels a slight refuge in the darkness beneath the blanket. Casey had Raph, while Donnie and Master Splinter weren’t anywhere close to his room, he knew this subconsciously, but it still felt like a betrayal slightly as he haphazardly tried to muffle his sobs. How they couldn’t hear he didn’t know, because everything felt so loud to him in the empty silence of his room. He cries until his pillow is damp with tears, until the ache in his heart threatens to consume him entirely. It's a bitter reminder of the absence of his brothers, a void that looms large in the once vibrant tapestry of their family.

Crying is heathy. It gets all the built-up emotions out when words can’t express them. That’s what Mikey has always believed… but it’s hard to believe that something so painful can be good for you.

Notes:

I looked up what comics came out in 2006 for this fic – Marvel Civil War apparently. The more u know.
In this au Marvel doesnt exist tho, its Silver Sentry instead!

Chapter 2: I like movies - they’re not irl.

Summary:

Mikey is still hurtn. He has some good times w his new friends, but he is still missing his bros and is drinking maybe a bit too much.

(Ya I took some liberties in the timeline before 2007 movie. This is set in 2006, a bit before Leo returns home. Which would make the turtles like 2 years old when the 1990 movies would have been set – so I’ve shifted the timeline a bit up, and its 2006, so after the 3rd 90’s movie, (in this au set in 2004 i guess) the shredder came back after Karai did something (that’s how they know Karai in the 07 movie) and Leo killed him a’la 2012-esque shenanigans.)

Notes:

I just wrote this right before upload so I have not had a chance to read it over, but cba we only live once. let me know if there are any mistakes!
I have literally no plan for chapter 3 so dont wait up. I'll try to get it done tho. (this was initially gonna be 2 chapters but I decided to do more of a happy ending and now I'm regretting it *sob*)

cider is an alcoholic drink in the UK, ‘hard cider’ is the equivalent in America right? Well I said cider but it’s the alcoholic version. Idk anything bout America, I have never been.
If ur an American then this chapter has underage drinking. I didn’t know whether or not to put that as a tag along with recreational drug use. But meh. Its only mentioned really so I didn’t tag it.

please read tigger warnings to stay safe :]

Trigger Warnings:

Description of violence (injury)
Description of vomiting
Alcohol and recreational drug use – weed
Mentioned self-harm

His stomach is always hurting these days, and he has difficulty concentrating on anything, which is saying something because he is usually scatterbrained anyways. Donnie attributes it to stress.

Because Leo is still gone, no word to anyone. Mikey had given up sending him letters when even April’s letters ended up returned and unopened. Master Splinter still believes Leo will return any day now, it's clearly weighing down on his heart, and he spends even more time meditating. Mikey doesn’t spend it with him, only seeing him during dinner these days.

He doesn’t see much of Raph. Mikey sometimes sits with him while he is watching TV now. He wouldn’t apologise for his words; Raph probably knew he deserved it. Raph hadn’t brought it up at all either. It's like something inside Raph has been slowly fading ever since Leo left. He seems tired, depressed even. So, Mikey takes pity and starts to reach out again. It’s usually rebuffed but sometimes Raph just sits there quietly and eats whatever Mikey had made him for dinner.

Mikey watches the news now. Hearing stories of the new vigilante reminds him of their own glory days. The days when Raph was lively and constantly in their faces. He used to be the one to drag Donnie away from his computer, and the first Mikey turned to to play with. But now, it's like he's checked out completely, retreating into himself and shutting everyone else out. Mikey didn’t realise he could feel heartbroken over this, not a second time. He had thought his heart broke all those months ago when Raph chucked a plate at the wall in an effort to scare Mikey away. Lasagne used to be Raph’s favourite. He thought he was done empathising when all Raph had done was hurt Don, day in day out. But no. He hadn’t known how literal the phrase was. ‘Heartbroken’ – ha! It was a pain in his chest that never went away completely, even when he was with Woody. Even when he was asleep he felt it. Like a broken rib puncturing his organs, carving out a tear that just got bigger and bigger until he could viscerally feel his heart shatter as he watched his older brother, his emotional, strong, loving older brother loose all of those qualities that made Raph, Raph.

Evidently Mikey couldn’t not care for his stupid older brothers. He wished he didn’t.

He knows what it's like to miss Leo terribly, to feel the absence of his presence like a gaping hole in their normal. But while everyone is suffering and coping in turn, Raph seems to think he is the centre of the universe, that this only affects him. But Mikey knows acutely that Raph is more logical than his emotions let on sometimes. Unfortunately, not being a dumbass doesn’t actually seem to stop Raph from acting like a dumbass.

Mikey has to learn to enjoy (not enjoy, never enjoy but ‘put up with amicably’) the quiet silences with both of his brothers now. Separately of course because they couldn’t be in the same room anymore without squabbling over something stupid.

Mikey's stomach churns whenever he hears the familiar sound of Raph and Donnie's voices rising in argument. Once again, twice again, thrice again. It's become an all-too-common occurrence in their home. Nowadays he knows better than to stick around and listen to them go at it; Donnie has taken to cramming on a project as soon as an argument is done, residue anger fuelling his productivity. So, Mikey isn’t needed for damage control.

Mikey has taken to simply shooting Woody a text, grabbing his skateboard and dipping for a few hours each time. But deep down, he knows that running away won't solve anything. It's just a temporary distraction… but Woody and his stupid blonde mop of hair - that Mikey definitely isn’t jealous of - is the best kind of distraction!

Mikey leaves a lot these days. It isn’t a decision so much as it is an automatic reaction at this point.

Mikey didn’t even notice when Raph entered, he was tired, sue him. But Mikey did notice when Donnie's scoff pierced through the background music of The Last Stand, a new superhero movie April had gotten Mikey that he had really been looking forward to watching. Mikey felt a surge of frustration building inside him, his patience wearing thin as he struggled to understand why Donnie was doing this during their movie night.

As Raph shot back a gruff ‘whadda ya want’, obviously drunk considering his wobbly movements, Mikey felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him. He didn't have the energy for this, didn't want to be caught up in the middle of another one of their fights. All he wanted was to have a nice movie night and chill out before bed.

Mikey felt his frustration wash away as he pointedly fixated on the tv screen. When Donnie didn’t show any signs of backing down Mikey didn’t really feel anything. He expected to be annoyed, tired even, but a part of him had been anticipating the day that Donnie decided hanging out with Mikey wasn’t as important as arguing with Raph. He ignored his brothers and left the lair. He shot Donnie a quick text stating he was going on a walk and to go to bed without him.

As he hopped onto the familiar building he checked the time, it was 10:34pm, and he hasn’t messaged before coming over. Crap. A spike of anxiety was quickly snuffed out as he reached a window, smiling as he recognised the orange cap Woody evidently always wore. He knew Woody understood. Woody was the best.

Sure enough, the window swung open moments later, revealing Woody's grinning face framed by a mop of tousled hair. "Mikey, dude, what's up?" he exclaimed, stepping aside to let Mikey inside.

"Hey, Woody," Mikey replied, offering a weak smile in return. "Sorry for this, but I needed to get out of there."

Woody waved off his apology, which immediately put Mikey at ease. "No worries, man. You're always welcome here," he said, leading Mikey into the cozy living room. "I was having a lazy night anyways, got a pack of cider. Wanna to join me?"

Mikey's spirits lifted and he nodded eagerly. As they settled onto the bed, Woody’s chatter left Mikey sinking into his side. He had never drunk before, but he might as well. Not like he had an ID he could use to get his own anyways.

Donnie apologised profusely the next morning, but Mikey barely caught any of it, he was craving an eggs and bacon breakfast and Donnie was blocking the stove.

-

Mikey stumbled to the bathroom, his stomach churning with a sickening urgency. He barely made it to the toilet before heaving violently, his body convulsing with each retch. The acidic taste of bile filled his mouth, burning his throat with each expulsion. As he emptied the contents of his stomach, waves of pain radiated through his body, intensifying with each heave. Tears welled up in his eyes, mixing with the sweat that coated his forehead. After what felt like an eternity, the retching subsided, leaving him trembling and weak, his throat raw and throbbing with every swallow.

He drank too much. He wasn’t usually this dumb about drinking, and Woody was usually really good about helping him sober up, but he had had a bad day at work and Woody had cracked out the vodka, and then… He didn’t quite remember leaving Woody’s apartment, though he probably assured his friend he was fine when he did. Or Woody was just as drunk, or maybe Woody passed out and Mikey woke up and decided to leave… whatever.

It wasn’t the first time he had drunk, far from it, but it was the first time he had thrown up. He had gotten too reckless with the vodka, rip. Faintly in the back of his mind he thinks to himself how he would never drink again – which is probably a lie.

He stumbled into bed.

No one noticed.

-

Mikey passed Raph as he went, he was rummaging through the fridge.

"You have a secret girlfriend?," Mikey teased. “Cause I know you weren’t home last night and you weren’t with Casey either. Come on, I won’t tell! It would be good for you if you did, maybe get that stick outta your ass if you widen your social circle.”

Raph didn't even glance up. Mikey's grin faltered, the joke falling flat in the face of Raph's silence. Clearing his throat awkwardly, Mikey offered a half-hearted wave to Raph, "I'm out. Catch you later," he muttered, not in the mood to entertain his brooding brother and whatever had crawled up his shell.

As he slipped out of the lair, Mikey made a beeline for the closest sewer exit, eager to escape the oppressive atmosphere.

Wherever Raph went wasn’t his problem anyways. He wasn’t his brother’s keeper.

He was always so tense, he was always in pain, but hanging out with Woody let him just lie down on Woody’s unmade and slightly uncomfortable bed (student housing after all) and stretch his limbs out. Like a cat. Mikey reeeeeaaaaaally wanted a cute cat! And when they drank – which wasn’t that often, but still pushed like once a week maybe… well, when they drank Mikey felt light. Like actually light, it was a few hours of full on relaxation, even if his body felt a bit more gross than usual the next morning.

But they drank on Fridays after work, and it was a Wednesday, so cracking on a bad horror movie and eating pizza it was. Which would be all good if they didn’t start wrestling halfway through the movie – it was kinda lame to be fair. Well, Woody thought it was a good idea to nick one of Mikey’s slices. And you should know to never take pizza from a turtle!

Obviously, Mikey slapped his hand away as soon as he attempted, which devolved. Or evolved. It wasn’t like wrestling with Raph, Woody was a fragile twig of a human, no muscle on his arms what so ever, so Mikey made sure to be gentle, despite making sure he would still win of course.

"Watch out, Mikey! I've been practicing my ninja kicks," Woody teased, dodging Mikey's arm reaching for him with a squawk.

Mikey feigned surprise. "Ninja kicks? Ha! I've got turtle power on my side!"

And then Woody put his grimy sock covered feet on Mikey’s bare plastron and pushed in an attempt to straighten his legs. It did not work, not that it wasn’t a good try. Mikey shoved him down, hearing the pizza fall off the bed in the background – oh well, floor pizza is still pizza, and any pizza is still good pizza!

Mikey grabbed Woody’s arms in a hold which left Woody under him and vulnerable. Woody’s eyes glanced up at him and the blonde gave a shaky kind of grin, as if to say ‘please don’t hurt me Master Michelangelo who is so much greater of a warrior. I am but a lowly stick-figure and I know better than to touch your holy pizza ever again.’ But Mikey was not that merciful. He grinned wide and Woody paled.

“No- Stop- Stawp!”

Woody’s screeching became unintelligible as Mikey tickled his sides, cackling in contrast to his friend’s breathless giggles.

“No-w-wait, I can’t breath! Mikey! AH! Stop it you dick!”

“Never! You must repent for this betrayal!” Mikey roared out dramatically. He may or may not have been getting lost in the evil power he now possessed, because the next thing he knew the door to Woody’s bedroom was being slammed open and both boys froze at the sight of Woody’s roommate. Who was definitely a human just as Woody had promised (warned).

The boy was taller than the two of them, with unkempt braids and droopy eyes that were notably blazed, and if Mikey had any better a reaction time he would have ran with that, made himself a whacky hallucination before dipping, but as it was, Mikey could not think on the spot that fast. So his fight, flight or freeze response kicked in and he froze, beak clamping together, eyes widening and muscles locking.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Woody shouted out quickly, Mikey’s head whipped to him. What was it supposed to look like? Cosplay? He was a giant turtle mutant who stunk of sewer gunk.

“We’re just- just wrestling, ya know.” Woody finished, abashed and flushing to his ears. “This is my friend Mikey, ya know, the parkour dude I told you about.”

 And it took Mikey a second to understand what he was getting at, because when one usually spots an alien-looking freak they scream and run the other way. And while Woody was surprisingly chill, whether or not their position was compromising by human’s standards was the furthest thing from Mikey’s mind right now. It sort of made Mikey feel some weird giddy happiness… that Woody didn’t even register that he was a giant turtle, scales over skin.

And then he immediately forgot that they had just been walked in on by Woody’s human roommate and pulled Woody into a crushing hug.

“Why are you like this man? How have you survived this far?”

Woody shoved him away, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jason coughed in the doorway, his voice getting a bit shrill as he exclaimed, “Yeah, the orange parkour dude who you forgot to mention was a freaking alien!”

“Dude, I’m a New Yorker, not an alien, cant you tell by the accent?” Mikey reached over to grab the floor-pizza and shove it, three slices at a time, into his mouth before anymore traitorous hands could make another heist attempt.

“Eh, he didn’t want me to tell you, privacy dude.” Woody said nonchalantly, grinning slightly at Jason’s incredulous look.

Mikey tried not to feel self-conscious at all the staring. Woody said he was chill, but how chill is ‘chill’? Enough to not trade Mikey’s last known location for a grand to the government? Mikey probably shouldn’t threaten Woody’s roommate though, that was never the way to make friends or establish trust. Mikey knew that from experience – his older sibling’s past experience to be accurate. It was sometimes kinda funny sometimes to see Leo or Raph stumble and fail after they burned all their bridges with a few sharp words. Mikey was the people person on the team for a reason. It was one thing he was decent at, against all odds considering his isolated upbringing.

“Dude, they’re a giant tortoise person! You’re a giant tortoise person!”

Mikey huffed and made a disgusted face, “I am a turtle, you take that back right now! How dare you. A tortoise? Really?”

“Wha- no, you’re a tortoise, turtles have fins.” He looked a little lost, glancing to Woody for backup – and Woody better not back him up!

“I have webbed feet! Not all turtles have fins dude, that’s so stereotypical, my god Woody you didn’t tell me you were living with a bigot.” Mikey sniffed haughtily and hoped Jason would realise his taunting as the joke it was.

Thankfully he bit at the pizza Mikey was metaphorically dangling over him and snorted, “You live in the water dude? If not, sorry to say, you’re a tortoise.”

“I live in a perfectly respectable place nearby a body of water. And I eat meat!” Mikey stated with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. Jason seemed chill, even if what he was saying was totally bogus.

“Come join us, you can’t smoke in-“

“Your room, yeah I know, I know.” Jason cut him off, leaving the door slightly ajar, which tickled Mikey slightly – in a bad way – but he ignored it, shuffling back to sit by Woody against the headboard. He grabbed the fluffy grey through and wrapped it around his shoulders, a slight comfort. Woody elbowed him gently giving him a reassuring look as Mikey settled.

Jason sat down, leaning against the wall, and suddenly Mikey was trapped ever so slightly, a human on either side. The window was right by him though, so it was fine, he wasn’t actually ‘trapped’.

“I wasn’t actually smoking; I have some gummies if you and your orange friend ever wanna partake though.” Jason said smirking slightly, “What are you watching?”

“Oh yeah, we were watching something” Mikey mumbled absentmindedly, which elicited some laughter from the two humans. It was so dull he had forgotten, and was Jason propositioning him for weed? …mayhaps another night.

Jason switched the tv on pause, it was a weird freezeframe where the actor’s face looked a bit goofy as he was being disembowelled. “We should watch Civil War, it just came out – do you like superhero movies Mike?”

Mikey immediately straightened, flapping his hands as he talked (just a little too fast, but not too fast to not be understood) “Yeah, I literally just watched it! My sister bought it for me last week.”

“Yeah, he just watched it, we should find something new.” Woody cut in, bringing a pack of Maltesers from god knows where onto his lap. “let's go for something funny. I don’t want to have to follow a shit ton of fighting."

Mikey hummed, “I don’t mind re-watching it but I’m up for anything really, just not something like- really bad.”

“Oh come on Woody, don't be a buzzkill. Action movies are where it's at."

“Yeah, Mikey I forgot to mention, Jay is even more obsessed with superhero movies than you are,” Woody said leaning in conspiratorially.

“Hey, I have great taste, and Mikey likes superhero movies too, you’re just a weirdo Woody.” Jason huffed, “My mondo collection of action figures fill, like, an entire shelf back home!”

Mikey giggled slightly, “Mondo? What is this the 80’s? I mean I knew you were older than me but-“ and then he was cut off by a pillow to the face, yelping slightly.

“Don’t diss the lingo brah!”

Jason (Jay?) mock glared at him as he raised his hands in a half-arsed apology.

“Mondo is his surname and he says it all the goddamn time, I swear!” Woody sighs, sucking all the chocolate off of a Malteser like a psychopath.

“Mondo is the best word, you guys are just heathens, I’m telling you!” Jason insisted, shoving at Mikey lightly.

“Mondo is never gonna be a thing again Jason. It’s so old-school it died off with the dinosaurs.”

“Oh, so that’s how it is! You dinosaur-looking-motherfucker are gonna eat your words. Give it a year and you’re gonna find yourself slipping and saying ‘mondo’ with or without me present.”

And that was a promise of hanging out more if Mikey ever heard one.

Woody shoved him again, “no one calls Jay ‘Jason’, just ‘Jay’ usually.”

Jason shrugged at that, “Anything but the full name is good, I’m just not really a Jason vibe, you feel me?”

Mikey cracked a grin, “Whatever you say Mondo.”

“See you think you’re being clever but that’s just me surname you green bald bastard.” The newly christened ‘Mondo’ snapped back.

Mikey exchanged a surprised glance with Woody at the fairly creative insult, before bursting into laughter. It was always nice to be here, it made him feel oddly validated. He was just Mikey, and it felt strangely comforting to be seen as nothing more than that.

The two roommates didn’t end up agreeing on a movie, so they would pick two and watch them one after the other, sometimes Mikey would pick a third if they had time.

In fact they didn’t end up on agreeing on one movie to watch until the following year when Hot Fuzz came out – an action comedy cop movie. Mikey refused to watch it without making an exaggerated English accent the entire time.

-

Mikey was buzzed. Pleasantly buzzed. He had taken the long route home, and it was 4am. He didn’t have to leave the house for work until 4pm the next day so he was fineeeee. Every now and then Mondo and Woody would show up with some form of alcohol, and drinking to movies was fun. Mikey had a blast coming up with all the rules every time. ( Do all teenagers drink or is he like... a bit messed up? Is this an unhealthy coping mechanism to not feel so shit, or is this just normal 18-year-old things? Woody and Mondo didn't see a problem with it...)

Still, water and a few slices of leftover pizza would do wonders for any potential hangover – he had a rhythm now, this wasn’t new anymore, so he tended to order in a Hawaiian and make sure to save half of it before a drinking night. Only Leo liked Hawaiian out the the rest of his family. He tried to keep quiet as he rummaged around for a slice of cake, sue him, he was craving, and he knew there was a chocolate fudge cake he could heat up in the microwave.

He loaded everything up in the carboard pizza box, with a waterbottle under his arm, and meandered back to his room, headphones blasting Shakira as his hips swayed to the beat. Trying to bellydance was not as easy as it looked, and he couldn’t even say his shell was in the way cause it really wasn’t. He definitely didn’t nearly drop everything he was holding. Definitely not. He was a trained ninja and dexterity was one of his strong suits… yeah.

He had just settled on his bed when he noticed something. He left his room, walking quietly towards the kitchen. Not that his destination was the kitchen, he realised, head perking up as he caught faint sounds emanating from Raph's room, a mix of muffled grunts and shuffling. Concern gnawed at him as he wondered if Raph was having a nightmare or something. God knows they all got them. With a tentative knock on the door, Mikey called out softly, "Raph? You okay in there?"

The response was swift and sharp, Raph's voice laced with irritation as he barked, "Go away, Mikey!" The forcefulness of the command made Mikey flinch, taken aback by the abruptness of Raph's dismissal. Worried but reluctant to push further, Mikey hesitated outside the door, unsure of what to do next. He should probably leave. Raph was obviously awake and able to take care of whatever it was on his own…

And then similar happened again. Raph seemed to make a habit of waking up in the middle of the night, and considering Mikey’s own habit of returning home right before dawn, he managed to catch Raph in the act one night.

A crash was notable from Raph’s room, and part of Mikey wanted to check on Donnie, who was a light sleeper and might have woken up from that. But Mikey darted forward to slam open the door of Raph’s bedroom before he could stop to think. Raph of course rounded on him, eyes narrowed and a vicious look on his face.

“Get the fuck outta my room Mikey!” he bellowed with a wince. He had dropped the emergency first aid kid (a heavy box considering its contents) onto his foot. That was the source of the loud crash.

“Are you okay?” Mikey insisted, even as Raph stopped over to shove him out physically.

“How many times to I have to tell you to leave me alone!”

“Why do you have the first aid kit? I can help!”

“No you cant!” Raph roared, and Donnie was definitely awake now. “Get out! I mean it.”

Mikey shoved back at Raph, who stumbled a bit more than he should have. Than he normally would have. “No. Just let me help you Raph!” He shouted back, then finished in a normal tone, “where are you hurt?”

Raph sighed. The fight leaving his body as he slumped against his bed. He gestured to his thigh, there was a fairly deep gash on the outer side of it, as if he had walked into a nail. Or a knife.

Mikey leaned to pick up the kit, hurling it onto his knee with both hands. It really was heavy. They should probably lighten its load if it was for emergencies. He sat down next to Raph who presented the gash.

Now Mikey was closer… well it didn’t look intentional at least.

“How did you even get that dude?”

“I dunno, something sharp scratched me while I was out.”

Mikey hummed, disinfecting it. Raph hissed but didn’t say anything else as Mikey worked. He had never liked being on first aid, but he had gotten used to stomaching it now Leo wasn’t here to pick up the slack. The first couple of patrols they had gone on as a team… well both Raph and Donnie could have gotten out of there with far less injuries. He still didn’t like it by any means, and hated having to do it in the first place. Why couldn’t his older brothers stop making messes?

As a team it was as if they were unstoppable, despite everything, they all had each other’s backs. Most of the time they wouldn’t get more than a few bumps and bruises, but when someone got a lucky shot, Leo was always there with some color-coded plasters – attributed by yours truly after all – or Donnie was rolling his eyes at Leo being the world’s worst patient. Things were easy before they met Karai, and things started to feel much less ‘cartoon villain’ and much more ‘murder-y’ with the Foot Clan. But even with all that, they were together, and it didn’t feel that that bad when Mikey had three (overprotective) older brothers to catch him if he fell. They felt invincible, and that was all but proven to Mikey when Leo took a newly resurrected Shredder’s head. And yes, they were struggling to adjust to a much quieter life after Karai returned to Japan, and they were no longer threatened everyday with potential death, but Mikey had thought they would get through it together.

And then Leo left. Even Woody, as amazing as he was, wasn’t a bona fide cure for a broken heart. And it really did feel like a large part of Mikey had been carved out by his family. He loved them so much, but it really did hurt.

Notes:

Enter human Mondo Geko! He has not been mutated… yet.

I say ‘mayhaps’ irl. Does anyone else? Am I just the odd one here? Whatever. Mikey says it in his internal dialogue now so there.

I looked it up and Maltesers are sold in America according to the internet – is this, like, true tho? Any Americans here?
(I do enjoy biting the chocolate off before sucking on the biscuit part. But as far as I’m aware I am not in fact a psychopath.)

A plaster is an adhesive bandage btw. I think in Australia they call them ‘bandaids’ but idk about anywhere else, just thought I would note that here. Colour-coded plasters for the 07 turtles – I have different headcannons as to what designs the other iterations use :]

Chapter 3: Home Again

Summary:

Leo returns home.

Notes:

I do not speak Japanese. Sorry if anything is wrong!

This is it! It's finished, sorry it took so long! Thx for those who stuck with me :]

There has been probably slightly excessive use of the word dumb and dumbass throughout this entire fic. It’s Mikey’s POV, so ya. That tracks.

No bashing of any characters intended, but this whole series stemmed from the og 'fixing a broken family' fic i wrote so like, ya the family is a dysfunctional mess rn. they love each other tho, and they're trying and will do better! even if in the 07 movie Splinter has like one good line and acts like a bit of a dick the rest of the time.

Trigger Warnings

 Parentification? Slightly – unfair pressure put on a teenager to be emotionally available for his sibling’s benefit
 Parental neglect – emotional neglect.
 Self-worth issues, self-esteem issues – the usual
 Brief mentions of panic attacks/anxiety attacks

Leo doesn’t feel like Leo. Or maybe he feels more like Leo than ever. It’s as if all of Leo’s worst traits had solidified and all of the personality that had come together to make Leo Mikey’s loveable older brother had drained away during his time away.

Leo has been fluttering about like a nervous wreck since they got some respite from weird gargoyle supernatural creatures, but Mikey can’t find it in himself to care.

Hovering and keeping himself busy cleaning the lair from top to bottom. Obviously erratic and agitated; Mikey wasn’t really sure what Master Splinter was playing at ignoring it, but that was exactly what their father had been doing.

Mikey can’t help but notice how tense Leo is around Master Splinter, who seemed to be keeping his distance from Leo in turn. Leo would edge around conversation with him like he was a hissing snake rather than their father who loved them. But then again, Master Splinter was just as bad at expressing his emotions as the rest of Mikey’s dumb-dumb brothers, and he had of course gone off at Leo almost immediately after Leo had gotten home, not the greatest warm welcome. Mikey recalled something along the lines of ‘counting on Leo to bring the team together’ – for everything to go back to normal. Fat chance of that. That wasn’t down to Leo.

Mikey had adjusted to the change before Leo got back, had come to terms with the fact that Leo went AWOL and may have… well. Whatever.  It was too tiring being angry, bitter, resentful all the time. And after 2 years, it was easy to let go.

He was fairly content with the new air in the lair, the quiet that was no longer oppressing, just a bit sad. Mikey had adjusted to Donnie’s newfound confidence – still unsure as to whether or not it was an good change or one made from desperation and self-loathing, but Mikey had adjusted and tried to support Donnie as best he could. He crashed at Donnie’s lab most nights now, Donnie relied on him less for emotional support, it still happened now and then but April had been giving Donnie ‘tips and tricks’ or something along those lines.

Mikey had learnt how to give Donnie the tiniest inch and weave his words so it looked like the mile Donnie wanted. He ranted to Woody enough about his own stress, he didn’t need to put that on Donnie too. He was fine, Donnie was the one suffering right now, he had never been good at handling change and Mikey had gotten so much better after that brief period of anger.

He had adjusted to the changes in their family dynamics, he had gotten good at brushing his brothers off when they commented something negative, he was no longer storming out of the lair every time Donnie and Raph got snippy, more inclined to diffuse the tension with some ill-timed joke that got Raph on his case instead and had Donnie rolling his eyes. Mikey had been watching the news with Raph recently, he thought about their teenage years a lot. Maybe that was why it was so weird now Leo was back, Mikey had been romanticising everything in his head and had made things weird for Leo?

Mikey had gotten into cooking again, like really gotten into it again. He would bring some of whatever he made to Woody, who traded it for free pizzas. Donnie was a picky eater, he liked what he knew, Master Splinter enjoyed just about anything, and Raph barely ate at all. So, Mikey had tried to make a range of protein packed meals that looked inconspicuous, such as mac and cheese with hidden vegetables and tofu or chickpeas ground up into an ‘everything sauce’. He wasn’t half bad at it, Raph had eaten most of what he cooked non-the-wiser, but Mikey knew he could have made better. Cooking was always a work in progress.

Leo wouldn’t have eaten everything Mikey made though – he had always had something against mac and cheese. Ever since they were kids and he threw up after eating it, he had been put off ever since, stating that ‘too much cheese’ disagreed with his stomach. But he could eat pizza after pizza after pizza, so it was probably all psychological. They had never called him out on it though, no point, same as Donnie didn’t eat anything with an ‘off’ texture and Raph had a secret stash of sweets he thought they didn’t know about.

(It had been looking pretty barren lately, so Mikey added some lucky stars. Raph hadn’t said anything.)

But Leo was home now. Which was great, Mikey was so happy! It would be another adjustment, sure, but at least they could do it together. They beat up the bad guys, rescued Leo, Raph and Leo got over their usual shit, and now everything would be okay. Mikey knew it. He just needed Donnie to realise that too. Mikey would make something to eat that was to Leo’s tastes, he liked anything with an umami flavour.

Leo would sometimes sit quietly with them during movie nights. Mikey sipping his hot chocolate while Donnie absently scrolled through his tablet, the silence between them comfortable, the familiarity only interrupted by Leo fidgeting, curled up in the corner of the sofa, so unfamiliar. So unlike how he used to be; he used to be so sure of himself. He no longer sat straight up with ‘perfect posture’ on the couch, and Mikey didn’t know whether or not to call that a win, because his older brother used to be so worried about developing a bad back (bad shell?) after Master Splinter chastised Mikey’s posture like twice a week when they were tweens. Now Leo’s torso leaned on his knees, it looked comfortable kinda… but also looked uncomfortable because he seemed the opposite of ‘relaxed’ at any given time.

Mikey didn’t end up making that much in the way of food in the end. He had been too swept up in the happiness that Leo was home that he forgot he had busy weekdays and busier weekends. He made lunches and dinners that were quick and easily boxed. He was a bit buzzy (/pos) after he found out Leo had chopped all the vegetables one day – after the heart attack of not being able to find them at first wore off. Leo had left a blue sticky note, Mikey had just missed it. Ha, having a near anxiety attack over not being able to find the carrots was a great way to end his day. He blamed himself for choosing such a weirdly high-stress job.

Mikey was never good at spotting little things in his environment, but he was good at people. He was even better with his own brothers, they had grown up 3 of 4 people he could interact with throughout the first 15 years of his life after all. He was great at missing sticky notes and misplacing the van keys but he was also great at noticing the was Leo’s beak sometimes twitched as if he wanted to say something but never opened, the nuances in Leo’s stories of his ‘time away’, noticing how quiet Leo had gotten wasn’t a reflection of self-control but more likely a symptom of 2 years of isolation – he wasn’t great at hiding the flash of irritation, of protectiveness that shot through him each time he realised something like this though.

Leo was harder to read now though. He was painfully stoic in his mannerisms and he didn’t read like how he used to. Mikey was still re-learning everything about him really. Raph was so emotional he was an easy read, and Donnie, usually so composed and focused, had shown signs of struggle that were hard to miss. Mikey had observed the way Donnie would sometimes stare into space, lost in thought, or how, while his face wouldn’t change, he'd absentmindedly tap his fingers in a rhythm only he could hear when he was thinking about something distressing. How his usually most mild-mannered brother was more prone to outbursts than ever and had grown incredibly stubborn for some (well-known) reason.

Compared to the Leo who had returned, it was as if they had swapped personalities, Leo the new ‘quiet one’, Donnie the new ‘Leader one’ who clashed with Raph. Of course, Mikey also realised how Donnie was putting up a front around their oldest brother in blue; he had been polite and quiet and glaringly distant since Leo got back. 

Mikey had elected to stay out of the lair most days, returning just in time for dinner. He had work and he… wanted some rest. Part of him was a bit worried that he should be helping Leo adjust, or making sure Master Splinter was okay and not lonely… but as Mondo had assured, that wasn’t his responsibility – not anymore at least. Leonardo had been cleaning and had been meditating with Master Splinter, which left Mikey with more free time. (Maybe Mikey would join the two sometime.)

Leo had also been looking for jobs, which was promising for Donnie especially, who really needed to cut down his hours. Mikey had no clue what Raph was up to… Raph was probably off doing Raph things, but when he was around, he had been much more mellow and that was good in Mikey’s book! (Now to just get him and Donnie on speaking terms again.)

-

It was when Raph brought home take out – Chinese – after an afternoon drinking with Casey, after the human got off work. Using Mikey’s money of course, which he graciously gave his unknowing older brother.

“Ugh, I can’t eat anything right now, I feel sick.”

It was an offhand comment after he agreed to take Donnie’s food to the lab, where their resident genius had decided to stay and do ‘overtime’ that night – only Mikey was aware that it wasn’t overtime but was Donnie’s own personal project he had started with a new internet friend. Something, something, AI, something something.

(This was Donnie’s version of free time, rest and relaxation, so no he wasn’t about to spill – even if Donnie had a fellow genius that Mikey could totally tease him about.)

“That’s because of all the junk you eat Mikey.” Raph snarked, smirking slightly – which in that moment just pissed Mikey off.

Maybe he was a bit too defensive, but part of him was just so irritated for no reason – for many reasons. So, he bit out his next words, despite a bit of the ‘whiny younger brother’ tone slipping in just to spite him, which just annoyed Mikey more, because if Donnie was here he wouldn’t have to defend himself, and people (his dumbass older brothers) might actually take him seriously for once.

“No, it isn’t actually, its stress related – ask Don if you don’t believe me.”

Raph huffed out a laugh, because of course he did.

“What do you have ‘ta be stressed about?”

Mikey’s beloved older brother everyone! Always was happy to stick his own foot in his mouth, and Mikey, as always, was happy to remind him of that fact.

“What do you have to be drinking about?”

“What the fucks that s’posed to mean?”

Raph’s tone was darker now, an unconscious warning, ooo scary. Mikey was going to leave, he should have just left, but part of him was just not working today obviously.

“What do you have to be so stressed about that you turn to booze thrice a week Raph? All you do is sleep your goddamn life away and leave the rest of us to do all the work!”

Mikey didn’t stay to hear what Raph said, he could feel his heart in his throat – he hadn’t meant to say that, he didn’t want to become part of the argument, he didn’t want to argue with anyone! He left half to cover up his trembling beak and half to avoid Raph’s wrath which was sure to come. Mikey didn’t need to provoke Raph into starting to throw stuff right before he was gonna share dinner with Leo and their dad. Mikey left. He would stay in Donnie’s lab tonight probably. He needed some painkillers, he could feel his stomach screwing up and he got that irritating itch at the back of his head – the type that didn’t go away.

Splinter approached Mikey the next day, he didn’t know if the timing was just convenient or what, but he was still feeling a bit high-strung and even some afternoon-Woody-time didn’t really get him out of his funk. Donnie was upset at Leo, Mikey had been avoiding Raph and Leo had been… trying. Mikey had been pleasantly surprised to see the packed away lunches Leo prepared. Less work for him! How the turtle-in-blue could prepare a perfectly good meal and then ruin it by touching a stove Mikey would never understand, but at least Leo was adhering to the ‘banned from kitchen appliances that weren’t the kettle’ rule.

Mikey had listened to Donnie rant about Leo for nearly an hour the previous night, he didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, so when his father approached him with that familiar intent in his dark eyes Mikey mustered up the best mask he could and plastered on a pleasant expression – it probably did not do its job.

“Mikey, I believe you can help Leo more during this time of transition," Splinter said, his tone gentle yet firm, so sure of himself.

Mikey sighed, his gaze meeting Splinter's, "Sensei, I… understand your perspective, but I have my own responsibilities too."

Splinter nodded, but whether he acknowledged Mikey's words or not was incredibly unclear, by, you know, how he then just reiterated his first statement. "I understand my son. However, your brother is struggling and no one in this family is as equipped to handle him like you are. I’m not asking you to take time off, but surely you could cut down on your hours. I urge you to consider the impact you can have on your brothers, especially Leo. Your presence and support mean a great deal."

Mikey hesitated, "It’s not like I’ve not been around. I wasn’t at dinner yesterday because I didn’t feel well sure, but I’ve been home with Leo when I can. I have work during the day and I can’t just cancel on a kid’s birthday.” It was a lie of course. Mikey was just a liar at this point. He left far earlier and returned far later than he had to everyday.

“You are close to Donatello, you spend most evenings with him yes?”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“And he and Leonardo have been struggling recently?” Splinter pushed, his eyes searching, and Mikey just couldn’t look at him.

Mikey looked to the floor, before steeling his resolve. He knew what his father was getting at, but it just wasn’t fair. He was so tired.

“I can't be the sole mediator, or- or therapist of this family Father. Leo, Raph, and Donnie need to work through their issues. It's not my responsibility. I love them and I can knock some words into their thick skulls but I’m just one turtle, and I’ve been trying! For two years I’ve been trying."

But was that really true? An ugly voice in the back of his mind started to creep up on him, even as Master Splinter agreed with him… Had he really been trying? Or had he just been avoiding his family… He knew the answer to that. He was a liar.

“I understand my son, and I am not asking you to be, I just worry for your brothers… they aren’t as emotionally mature as you are, they have never been, and I had hoped that once Leonardo returned, he would be able to unify Raphael and Donatello as a leader should.”

Mikey supressed a huff of dissatisfaction at that.

“But I fear that during Leonardo’s time away he has lost a slight bit of his empathy, his understanding of his brothers. You understand them better than anyone else, guide him Michelangelo, a great leader always listens to the input of his team.”

The conversation ended a bit stale as he said his goodbyes and tried not to make it obvious, he was hurrying off. Leader. Team. They were supposed to be a family.

But…. maybe Master Splinter was right, Mikey thought bitterly, his eyes suddenly welling up with unshed tears. Fuck why was he so emotional? Master Splinter had always called Mikey the ‘glue’ of their family. Maybe all of this angst in their family was due to Mikey not doing his job properly? Maybe Mikey should be trying harder, instead of running away.

Mikey left the house, he had work to do. Interact with the kids, stifle the smell of smoke in his annoying-ass-brain, just gotta push through 3 more hours, Woody was busy today, Mondo had an exam tomorrow, Donnie didn’t call him after work, that was fine, he was just moody – sure whatever.

Throughout the day he couldn't shake the feeling that he had failed his family, that somehow (he knew exactly how: selfish, he was so selfish) he had fallen short. Way too short. He was bouncing his leg all day. He got kicked in the tail by a kid. He nearly forgot to take payment. He didn’t stop by April’s to pick up Splinter’s tea, crap. Oh well, he would do it tomorrow. What else was he forgetting?

"Stupid," he muttered, wiping at his eyes angrily. It wasn’t his fault; he was just one turtle. It wasn’t his fault his brothers were being stupid. It wasn’t his fault that Raph and Donnie got into an argument while he cowered in his room and cried like a kid whose parents were getting divorced. Where was Splinter huh? Where was their dad? Why was it down to him?

Mikey returned late that night. He was fine by then. And then Donnie just had to pick a fight with Leo, of course he did. At least Master Splinter wasn’t there to hear it. He never was.

“You’re meant to be our leader” Mikey had told Leo. That wasn’t what he meant to say… at least he didn’t think so. God, why did he say that? That wasn’t what he meant to say. It just slipped out…

He didn’t even really notice he had said it until he was lying down in bed, missing Woody and realising that he had told Leo to be a leader. He should have said something along the lines of being their big brother… why did he even say that? Who gives a crap about this ‘leader’ stuff? That’s for Raph and Donie to argue over, not Mikey. Leo was meant to be their big brother, he was meant to be there for them and he left them ‘to become a better leader’ – an excuse that had practically become a mantra for Master Splinter while Leo was gone. It didn’t go unnoticed by Mikey that Leo seemed to use it the same, despite their dear old Splinter Jr. being away from his sensei for a whole 2 years now. Well Leo’s stupid training sessions that left Mikey’s aching body even more sore for the upcoming day of work weren’t exactly showing a stelar understanding of the people Leo was supposed to lead.

Mikey didn’t mean that. That was needlessly mean, and the training sessions were actually kind of fun… He was just tired and mad at himself. So, sleep it was, he would be better in the morning.

-

He was not better in the morning. In fact, he yelled at Leo in the morning. It wasn’t particularly pretty.

“Don't. Don't speak to me again. If you're just going to up and leave, you can go now and never speak to me again. I mean it Leo! Just go now and don't give me that false hope that you'll stay!”

Mikey made an impulse decision, he wasn’t great at stopping himself from making those to be fair, but he probably shouldn’t. His body shouted without his permission and as soon as the words were out, he regretted them. Then he thought it over and convinced himself he didn’t regret it. If Mikey wasn’t enough for Leo, if Leo prioritised their ninja-training over their status as family, if Leo prioritised his position as Leader over his position as their eldest brother, then Leo was as good as gone. Mikey would keep his distance.

So, Mikey did what he always did, and he left the lair.

-

Telling Master Splinter, he was wrong was a tentative thing. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t something that often went smoothly. Mikey’s dad wasn’t arrogant enough to believe he knew everything, but sometimes he certainly believed he knew more than his sons, and Mikey had rarely had to confront him about a mistake he had made. The few times it had happened in the past it was Don informing Master Splinter of something he didn’t know prior, or Leo convincing Master Splinter that they had to take this mission, despite its risks, because no one else would and they would have no where safe to live if New York’s peace was disrupted, if innocent civilians were hurt, if Shredder succeeded in his evil plan to rule the world under a brutal dictatorship – or whatever else he was gunning for. The destruction of their family almost certainly.

“その通りです。時には他人が止めることもあるけれど、自分の心に従わなければなりません”

“Indeed, sometimes you must follow your heart, even if others tell you not to.”

Master Splinter had often given stern lectures to Mikey’s siblings growing up, about their own mistakes, turning a childish fight between brothers into a lesson of humility, but he tended to leave Mikey alone to figure his own stuff out, offering few words of wisdom and more often words of comfort and support. Mikey knew he was different from his brothers growing up and that upset him a bit, until he realised that Splinter only did this because he was sure Mikey could come to his own conclusions, could teach himself, while the others were just dumbassess.

(Sometimes Mikey thought that they might need less lessons and more comfort. He would hug them and talk them up when they were feeling down, but he was their younger brother not their dad. Sometimes Mikey questioned if Splinter was actually that oblivious that he thought Leo and Donnie were content with the way things were, both at 12, at 15 and at 19 years old. Mikey knew Raph was a whole different animal (haha, turtle), Master Splinter had tried his best with what he knew of his own experiences and just couldn’t figure out how to help Raph’s own issues. He was a rat-turned-mutant who was learning how to be a person at the same time he was learning how to be a parent. Mikey had empathy for him despite being annoyed at him. Splinter had his own issues and no one to help, so Mikey was often left to pick up the pieces.)

But while Master Splinter might respect Mikey’s emotional maturity, he had obviously taken Mikey’s own emotions for granted recently, and Mikey had no clue if he would flip out and get angry or not if Mikey broached the subject. Master Splinter had always been a bit harsh in his wording, and he had always had a bit of a problem understanding the... um, emotional perspectives of his sons (*cough cough* Raph). No dad was perfect, and Mikey had a pretty great dad, but he was only one rat and he had his faults. Mikey didn’t blame him, not for the whole situation at hand anyways, Mikey could have communicated better, could have communicated at all, but Master Splinter was old and Donnie was stubbornly clinging to wanting to please him rather than ‘stress him out’, and Mikey listened to Donnie because his older brother didn’t need anyone else stressing him out. Mikey should have said something before Leo left, before Master Splinter sent him away. Mikey should have said something during Raph and Donnie’s fight, should have said something in the weeks, months after that. Mikey should have said something when he noticed Raph’s listless expression, and should have said something when he was working on 72 hours with no sleep because he spent the past couple of nights consoling a frantic Donnie who had a full mental breakdown. Mikey should have said something when he could see Master Splinter crumble slightly after Leo’s deadline came and left with no sign of the prodigal son in question.

He didn’t though, he just ran away. And he was still considering running away, even now, carrying an an ornate teapot full of Splinter’s favourite tea and a slice of cake in the other hand. He wasn’t going to stay long enough to eat one himself, he just wanted to say his peace and leave. But he was so, so tempted to just not say anything. The sweat on the back of his neck proving that much.

Mikey didn’t run away though. He sat down, across from Splinter, who looked up at Mikey, surprised Mikey hadn’t left yet, Mikey should probably spend more time with him. Being alone and without friends while your family was self-distructing wasn’t the best for mental health. As Mikey well knew.

Making one feeble attempt at gathering his thoughts, Mikey shook his head and just decided to go for it, before he could leave tail between his legs.

"Master Splinter, I know you wanted me to talk to Leo and Don and Raph, but I can’t; you need to be the one to talk to them,” he started, blurting everything out in one fell swoop.

Mikey explained the toll that recent events had taken on Donnie and Splinter didn’t interrupt until he was done. Once he started speaking it was easier to continue, he wasn’t really sure if he was doing Donnie any good, Donnie would definitely be mad if he knew Mikey had told their dad, but it needed to be done, because Donnie had evidently done too good a job of hiding his struggles. He described how Donnie had hated the responsibilities of leadership after Splinter appointed him the de-facto leader of the family, been so stressed that his insomnia had gotten significantly worse. Mikey emphasized how Donnie had been working tirelessly, often late into the night, trying to manage everything from family matters to his own work responsibilities. How he wanted to make Splinter proud, especially as Raph challenged him, so he didn’t want Splinter knowing how bad things had gotten. How he was so mad at everyone…

"Leo's return has been… an adjustment, we’re happy of course, who wouldn’t be, but Don is mad that Leo dropped contact – to be honest, he’s probably still struggling with the fact that Leo left at all," Mikey continued, "And Raph... well, he's still not speaking to Don, and it's been tough on both of them I know, and while they aren’t talking Don is worried about Raph’s mental health, and I’m worried about Leo’s because he keeps saying little things that make me worried, he just brushes off how he was completely isolated for 2 years and whenever anyone touches him he tenses, and he’s so quiet he doesn’t do much anymore, its like he is a ghost not a person – ya know?”

None of this had been for the better and Mikey's brothers needed their dad to talk to, needed their dad to provide them some emotional support. So, if Mikey could just get that through to Master Splinter…

Splinter listened attentively, taking in Mikey's words with the serious and steady trust that Mikey only really got from his dad. After a moment of silence, Splinter spoke softly, "You know your brother’s best Michelangelo.”

Mikey felt a spark of hope flicker in his chest. He shrugged; he doesn’t know what to say.

"I apologize, my son," Splinter's voice carried a sincere tone, his gaze meeting Mikey's who blinked in surprise.

“What?”

"I realize now the stress that my decisions may have caused you. It was never my intention to burden you in such a way."

“O-Oh, yea, well. Don’s tryna get me anti-anxiety meds that are turtle-safe, so. I’ll be okay.” He brushed off, a bit nonplussed by the apology.

He wasn’t expecting it, but also wasn’t particularly surprised, it’s his dad after all and he knows what his dad is like. If Mikey looked at Splinter in the eye, he knew Splinter would have some sad expression, so he didn’t because he was a coward, but it was true. He would be fine.

Splinter didn’t say anything more about the medication, he had always been against them taking painkillers if they didn’t need it, against relying on drugs for their day-to-day functioning. But he didn’t say anything, and Mikey was unsure if that was due to how much Splinter trusted Don with the family’s health or how much Splinter trusted Mikey with his own heath… or maybe Splinter had changed his mind as he got older and had to take his own painkillers do deal with his old-man-bones… or maybe through the years he just realised how the Shredder had messed them all up.

“I will meditate on what you've shared, my son. Thank you for bringing this to my attention."

Change never happens overnight, it takes time and effort and adjusting, but the fact that Splinter had acknowledged his concerns gave him hope that things might improve for his brothers and their family.

It wasn’t up to Mikey to therapize the whole family, but they were still his family, and it was up to him to be there for them. He wouldn’t run away anymore.

-

Mikey forgave Leo. How could he not? It was his big brother after all, and Leo was trying. Woody had talked some sense into him in the end, told him that it wasn’t his fault one too many times and that he was just one turtle, and so was Leo. So, Mikey had forgiven Leo and dragged him into a chat with the others, because what else was Mikey supposed to do?

Mikey forgave Leo because he was obviously trying, and with every little joke about the jungle, and every little faraway look that Leo would blink away, it was evident that Leo was just as messed up as the rest of them by his ‘time away’.

Mikey and Leo had gotten into a routine, they watched movies on Fridays, sometimes Raph or Donnie would join them, sometimes not. They had also started sleepovers. Mikey’s room was barely used anymore between Donnie-sleepovers and Leo-sleepovers. Though Leo-sleepovers often had Mikey sending Donnie a quick message and the purple turtle showing up at 12 on the dot to crash headfirst onto the bed.

Now if anyone told you otherwise Mikey would deny it, but he definitely did not jump because of the movie, he just shifted, and the popcorn managed to spill everywhere- yeah that definitely happened. In actuality was just a combination of Raph tripping up in the sewer tunnels and the movie they were watching having a very intense jump-scare scene really. He wasn’t scared of the movie he himself had picked, he was just slightly startled.

For a hot second Mikey stared at the tunnel entrance to the lair, only relaxing once Raph stumbled into view – not because the horror movie was too scary of course, it was just the tension, the dramatics, Mikey hadn’t gone to clutch at Leo’s hand once the entire night – and if Leo said otherwise, he was a dirty liar!

Raph had been out with Casey, hence why Mikey had enlisted Leo to horror movie watching, he chose one of Raph’s favourites too, just to spite him a little – Donnie just didn’t enjoy the stuff unless he could criticise the whole way through it, which was second watch material, not first watch.

Raph’s steps unsteady and his speech slurred, it was no wonder what he had been up to but Leo asked anyways because Leo was the naïve one here. "Raph, where have you been all night, you said you would be back hours ago! I would have left if Mikey didn’t convince me otherwise."

"Sssh~," Raph hushed loudly, waving his arms exaggeratedly. "Don't tell Leo; I’m so fine, the finest."

A bemused expression crossed Leo’s face as he stated, "I am Leo."

Raph blinked owlishly, trying to focus on Leo. "I'm not drunk," he declared unconvincingly, his words drawn out.

Mikey couldn't help but burst into laughter at that, "sure, Raph, you’re not drunk.”

Leo sighed as if the heavens had cursed him and got up, "Alright, buddy, let's get you some water," Leo said, moving to guide Raph towards the kitchen.

Mikey looked at the TV and then back to the kitchen door… he wasn’t about to stay and miss all the fun!

“Buddy?” Mikey questioned, over enunciating the word (well that’s what Leo might claim, Mikey would say he was enunciating it just right).

“Sh-Shut up Mikey, just help me with him.”

Mikey laughed again at the flush on this brother’s cheeks, taking over from Leo and guiding Raph to sit on a chair.

Truthfully Mikey had never seen Raph drunk. He usually didn’t return home drunk when he went out with Casey, Mikey had always assumed he would sober up there, avoiding hangovers and all – that’s what Mikey did with Woody when he stayed late.

But here he was, drunk in all his glory, and Mikey couldn’t help but record it – for totally innocent purposes after all.

“Hey, hey Raph, say ‘I’m walking ‘ere’,” Mikey nudged his older brother in the plastron, phone waving around unsteadily in his jittery glee.

“That’s a tr’ble accent dumbass.” Raph sniffed out at him. Leo passed him a glass of water which Raph pushed away stubbornly, “I’ve drunk ‘nough, can’t drink ‘nymore.”

“It’s water Raph,”

Raph squinted at Leo suspiciously, glanced at the glass, and then back up at his older brother in all his crossed arm, hip popped, blue-clad glory. Raph took a hesitant sip, and then downed the glass. Mikey could hear distant screams of terror from the TV.

“Rapphhhhhhhh,” Mikey whined out, drowning out the sound of the TV almost effortlessly, “Say the line, say itttttt!”

“I’m walking ‘ere.” Raph mimicked, putting on an accent so thick you couldn’t see a lighthouse through it.

Mikey burst out into laughter again.

-

Mikey still didn’t tell his brothers about Woody. He still stayed out a little later than necessary. Just because Leo was back and things were better within the family, didn’t mean that Mikey couldn’t have his break from home. Nowadays his anger was quick to develop, quick to grow, and easy enough to stifle until he got out into fresh air.

Just because Leo and Raph were acting more their age and less like troubled teenagers, and Donnie was having a blast on his ‘holiday’ time didn’t magically erase the fact that he still worked – albeit less hours and less frequently – and that he still returned home expecting to make dinner, go to Donnie’s lab like clockwork. Before realising that Raph was in the lab not Donnie, and they were expected to have family dinners again with everyone. It was sometimes actually a bit overwhelming. After dinner Mikey would leave for his own room, sit on his bed for all of 20 minutes and then remember to get up and go crash in Leo’s for the night.

…Adjusting to Leo and Raph's presence, adjusting to Donnie’s sudden absence during the evenings, well he would sometimes catch himself being too quiet to be ‘normal’. And when he noticed that he would say whatever first popped into his mind – the failsafe method of conversation of course. His brothers didn’t push him, he was glad because he wouldn’t know what to say.

It wasn't that Mikey didn't want things to go back to ‘normal’. He had longed for exactly this for years now. But he had finally gotten used to the new ‘normal’, and now he had to adjust for another different ‘normal’. He wondered if they felt it too or if it was just his own insecurities playing tricks on him.

They had very different family dinners now, Mikey had taken to finding various quizzes online, and been playing ‘quizmaster,’ to Raph’s (fake) annoyance and Master Splinter’s amusement. It was easy, because then Mikey wouldn’t have to figure out what to say during the hours everyone was in the kitchen – not that anyone was putting pressure on him to do so, other than himself, but whatever. It was perfect because when Donnie did turn up for dinner he would take over as ‘quizmaster’ and come up with his own questions on the fly, giving them hints ignoring Mikey’s constant answers of “Zimbabwe, Mimbabwe, Kimbabwe, Timbabwe” – “Shut the shell up Mikey before I pull your weird gremlin body outta your shell!” – “Leooooo, Raph’s bullying meeeee.”

So, dinners went easier, and Woody was happy that Mikey was ‘lighter’, not saying a single negative thing, despite Mikey flaking on him a couple of times more recently. But it was harder juggling two secret human friends when your brothers were actually paying attention to you now.

Donnie didn’t say anything, though Mikey was sure he had to know, considering how he had Mikey’s schedule memorised each week. Mikey would leave during the afternoons, even when he didn’t have work, and return for 7pm just fine. He kind of missed movie nights with Woody though, it had been about 3 weeks since he had really hung out with his bff. But that meant coming up with an excuse or telling his brothers… Or, he could cash in a favour from Donnie.

Mikey’s purple brother had been crashing at April’s most evenings helping her with wedding planning, teaching Casey how to cook, having girls nights, the like. (Mikey was also pretty sure she was trying to help him get a new job, so that was something.) If Donnie had been overstepping his bounds, he was sure that she or Casey would have said, but as it was Casey had been spending more time with Raph than he had his own fiancé – well, Mikey was sure that probably wasn’t entirely true, but it felt like it. Whatever, their relationship was their own, and Donnie always made it home for 9pm, so as far as Mikey knew the happy couple had nights to themselves.

Mikey could probably hang with Woody and Mondo from 5 to 9 using April as an excuse. He wished it was longer, but whatever.

Why was Mikey like this though? Why was he so resolutely separating Woody and Mondo from his family? Why was this even so important? Why not just tell Leo and Raph?

Mikey mulled it over during a shower. Because where else would be better to clear his thoughts? Maybe it was the fear that his brothers would judge him for seeking solace or friendship outside the family. Maybe he just valued his privacy and personal space… preserving a part of himself that doesn't need to be exposed to scrutiny or commentary. Maybe, he just worried that it could lead to unwanted interference from his brothers, which might cause… issues. Maybe it was because his friends were normal humans with no relevance to anything ninja-related, normal humans with normal lives and allowed Mikey to feel normal for once in his life.

Maybe he was just being dumb. It wasn’t like they didn’t have other human friends. It probably wasn’t that big of a deal. But even so, Mikey wanted to keep his friends close, give it at least a couple of months before he shared something that was his.

Maybe he would bring Woody as a plus one to April’s wedding. That might be really funny actually! (He would get April’s permission first, of course.)

-

Donnie was feeling better and acting better – happier even. His slow and steady return to a more playful demeanour, brought a mix of nostalgia and uncertainty for Mikey. It was a welcomed change, yet it was kind of jarring sometimes, like he had missed a step on a staircase.

While he welcomed the change, Donnie's mood lighter than it had been in at least a year, Mikey couldn't help but feel like he was stuttering over his responses, unable to match Donnie’s tone sometimes.

Mikey’s beloved (dumb) purple brother was still at his grumpiest when Raph was in the room, which Raph clearly knew. And to be honest, Mikey was a bit tense around Raph too; he had been acting cagey around Mikey recently and it was off-putting. Mikey had admittedly slipped slightly into the bad habits he had built up over the past year. He didn’t mean to, he mentally cursed himself out after he realised, but he had been avoiding Raph, despite promising himself he would try to meet his brother halfway.

Raph had always been labelled the ‘angry one’, the ‘hothead’, though Mikey wasn’t sure that was true at all. Raph was sensitive, emotional, and expressed that the only way he knew how to. When things got ‘too much’ he would lash out, he had learnt that getting all the anger out helped, one way or another. But he hadn’t learnt that it would only make things worse in the long run. At least, Mikey was pretty sure it would only make things worse. He had seen the self-hatred upon Raph’s face when he thought no one was looking. Raph's anger was a shield, a barrier erected to protect himself from the vulnerability of his own emotions. Because he was allergic to vulnerability. The dumbass.

Mikey knew Raph struggled, the anger issues were prevalent in all of them one way or another, a family trait one might say, which Leo and their father had managed to weather with meditation, Don managed to stifle throughout most of their childhood and Mikey had only really had a problem with recently. In contrast, Raph’s anger burned hotter, more intense, leaving a scorching trail in their wake, setting off one of the others for a chance at a yelling match to express his pent-up emotions that were too messy for him to detangle and deal with for what they were. With Leo was no longer tempted to yell back, more likely to leave for a breather, Raph had no easy outlet – hence Don. Which Raph clearly regretted – there was no universe he didn’t, and Don knew that deep, deep, deeeeeep down.

Mikey probably triggered some sort of butterfly effect that caused the conversation he was now having earlier on in the day. He had startled Raph, it had been nothing really but Raph had been on edge the rest of the day. Then they talked it out, kinda, it was a short talk. It was Raph after all, he wasn’t one to do long talks, and Mikey wasn’t one who needed long talks for things to be okay – that was more Don and Leo’s area.

So, Mikey had startled Raph, who hadn’t noticed he entered the room, and Mikey had flinched back slightly as Raph turned on him with his usual sharp and gruff growl he defaulted to when in one of his funks. It wasn’t anything massive but Raph probably perceived him as ‘scared of Raph’ which he wasn’t, but would make Raph beat himself up about and just add to a pile of already messy emotions that all stemmed from guilt and fear.

"I-I just- I-" Mikey had stammered, he didn’t really have anything to say, "uh- are you okay?"

He was being genuine, because why wouldn’t he be, but even as he said it, he knew Raph would just grow more irritated, he had let slip an underlying uncertainty, as if he was bracing for a negative response (which he wasn’t, it was just how he knew Raph would take it), and Raph always liked to pick up on these things and internalise them. He hadn't intended to scare Mikey, like how Mikey hadn’t intended to startle him, but his emotions were like a big tangled ball of yarn that had been attacked by a metaphorical cat; so Raph left in a hurry muttering something Mikey couldn’t hear.

He had avoided Mikey for the rest of the day, refusing to come out of his room for dinner, so Mikey went to bring it to him.

“Raph, I made lasagne, you gonna eat in your room?”

Nothing.

Mikey knocked on the door again, a bit of frustration bubbling up despite himself.

“Raph-“

The door opened and Mikey stumbled slightly, Raph’s eyes looked a bit raw.

Raph's usual bravado was tempered with something else, a rare vulnerability that Mikey wasn't used to seeing. Mikey noticed the way Raph's eye were softened compared to usual, and his body relaxed sightly as he saw Mikey – not out of anything good though, he looked kind of exhausted.

“Do you wanna join us at the table? No pressure bro.” Mikey said, voice light and for a moment he thought Raph was going to accept.

“Come’ere.” Raph took Mikey’s arm and dragged him into the room, as the door shut Mikey kinda felt like a prisoner the same way he would when Leo used to bundle him up in a blanket and sit on him if he annoyed the older too much.

Raph took his sweet time figuring out what he was going to say, while Mikey was still holding a tray with a slightly-less-hot lasagne and a slightly-melted glass of iced water, just kinda standing and waiting patiently like a good little bro.

“I’ve been a bit shit recently, and I’m sorry about that.”

Mikey blinked, so the apologies were contagious, good to know.

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it?”

Mikey shrugged, “what do you want me to say Raph? Okay, do better and stop hiding out in your room, it’s annoying ‘cause Leo gets ansty when you aren’t at dinner with us. Nothing is going to change if you just hol up in your room dude.”

“Okay, I’m- I’m trying, it’s just… hard sometimes.”

“I know, but since when have you faltered at hard work?” Mikey teased.

“Since Leo left?” Raph replied wryly, arms crossed and leaning against the wall.

Mikey elbowed him as he went to walk out, “shut up!” He paused, allowing Raph to open the door for him, his hands full at least, “you know what would really make it up to me?”

Raph looked at him, his sweet emerald green eyes so, so naïve in that moment. Mikey had so much power and Raph didn’t even realise it.

-

Mikey didn’t hate his job as much when Raph was dressed as Cowabunga Carl and growling like a disgruntled kitten.

Notes:

The Japanese I wrote here literally translates to: "That's right. Sometimes others may try to stop you, but you must follow your heart."
- But the quote in english I used is from 2003 Splinter – I think, I may be remembering that wrong, I don’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday let alone when I wrote this a couple of days ago.

haha, Splinter is the type to be offended when his parenting is questioned and there is gonna be off screen meditation from this rat until he off-screen apologises via never addressing it again.

Mikey is a lil shit and we love him for it, just give the poor turtle a lil bit of therapy and he will be okay :]

Notes:

Inspired by Taizi's 2007 works. Go read their fics. But not before mine cause mine r not as good. After mine as a treat, this is ur starter for the main course.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of Leo's Adventures with the Internet