Chapter Text
[Ghostdeeri]
Ghostdeeri, decidedly, was just as confused as the rest of the Inpherno when a human of all things showed up out of nowhere to beat the shit out of one of their revered deities. Perhaps she was even more confused than the normal demon, seeing that her records stated nothing about humans still being around.
It was a lucky coincidence that Olivine (humans had such odd names, apparently) also happened to be the mysterious "Isekai Archive" uploading information onto the internet and doing several legally questionable things. Ghostdeeri had remembered the first time she encountered the human's mysterious account on Tubular.
In fact- it was during March, no? The first time Isekai Archive actually became active. So she must unknowingly sought out Olivine by fate.
Ghostdeeri sighs, organizing some of her books in her library. She looks at Traffic, who is busy snoozing away on one of her tables. The demon goes into the staff room, gets out a blanket, and gently uses it to cover her friend.
Might as well get more information from a primary source. She sat down at her library computer, and began to message Isekai Archive through the business email provided in the Tubular blog.
Ghostdeeri's library had information from the first civilizations after the Great Burning- she'd chronicled their shaky beginnings, their culture and customs and history... and their inevitable downfall.
She's lived to see different factions, different kingdoms and empires rise and fall in the Inpherno, like the waves of the ocean. She knows the four factions will fall one day- hopefully long after her friends have passed.
The librarian has a feeling the human has enough knowledge locked away in her 'gear' to potentially make or break the factions- it's just that Olivine was so casual about it that the public didn't really care, only a few others who knew the significance.
She sighed as she typed out the email. [Greetings, Isekai Archive, I am Ghostdeeri. I hope your time in the Inpherno has been pleasant so far, and that you are doing well. I have heard of you due to your recent publicity and your continued collaboration with the Crossroads Historical Society.]
[As an avid historian and librarian, I would like to extend an invitation for you to visit my library in Crossroads, so that we may discuss what your previous home was like. I am burningly curious as to what human civilizations were like, compared to demon civilizations.]
[Sincerely, Ghostdeeri- Unofficial Record-Keeper of the Crossroads Historical Society.] She signs off her email, checks it over for typos, and then sends it.
Shockingly, she gets a response only a day or so later. Ghostdeeri figured that being the only human would mean that Olivine's inbox would be flooded with mail. Ghostdeeri reads the email- which is amusing, since Olivine's typing style is just as casual as the human herself.
[Heya Ghostdeeri, it's nice to hear from you! I've been doing well after my recent fiasco with Lost Temple and Ban Hammer probably still hates my guts, but I'm currently fine. I've heard of you before from a friend of mine and I think a visit would be pretty neat!]
[I'm kind of awkward when it comes to history since I wasn't the best in my school, but I do have an interest in it! Just note that I may be biased due to being a single individual and because was just a civilian, not a politician or anything.]
[I'd also be interested to learn about the Inpherno and the Inphinity more. Hope to see you on Monday next week or something! Sincerely, Olivine Nguyen.]
Ghostdeeri blinks and hums. Traffic, who's hanging out somewhere outside her library, pokes his head in. "Heya, Ghostdeeri." He gives a lazy grin. "What's up? You seem happy."
"My invitation for the human's visit has been accepted." She says, flipping through her desk calendar and adding the event. "I suppose you are free on Monday, if you wish to meet her?"
"Aw, yeah. 'Course I am." He leans back, making sure to stay only at the door of Ghostdeeri;s library so he could smoke his blunt. "She's the new Phighter, right?"
"Mhm. Stage name- Frying Pan. But I suppose she doesn't really care for it." Ghostdeeri shrugs. "You're not surprised?"
"Deeri, I was expectin' you to invite her over the moment she showed up on TV. 'Sides, I was more surprised that you didn't do it sooner."
Ghostdeeri lets out a huff of laughter. "Yes. That would be my first line of thought." She picks up a few books from her bookshelf.
It's mostly about odd ancient structures and artifacts. Most of them were from the ancient civilizations she saw rise and fall- but a few were indecipherable. Those were discovered buried deep in the trenches of the sea surrounding the Inphero's supercontinent, nestled away under layers of soil and rock, or simply buried in layers of vegetation in the more isolated parts of forests.
Those ancient ruins included mysterious pyramids in the 'dead zones' of Lost Temple, the interiors weathered by time but with the hieroglyphs barely discernible. Metal frames of skyscrapers discovered by deep-sea divers in the deepest trenches. Chunks of ancient concrete built into large, imposing walls.
The reason why Crossroads was a bustling hub of history enthusiasts and archeologists despite being highly populated and urbanized was because of it's ocean outlet beneath it, splitting the four regions slightly- the Inpherno supercontinent was weird, even for modern geologists.
Monday came quickly. Before Ghostdeeri, there was a knock on the door, and the human opened it to peek in. "Hello? Is this Ghostdeeri's library?"
The figure is just as small and friendly-looking as she'd expected. The human shakes her head a bit, smoothing down the wild mane of hair on her head. Ghostdeeri nods. "Yes, and you must be Olivine, correct?"
"Oh, definitely." Her eyes turn to Traffic, who's just as intrigued. "Hey- you're new. What's you name, dude?" She holds out her hand for a handshake.
"Traffic." Traffic returns the gesture, shaking her hand. "Ghostdeeri's my homie."
"Ah! Okay!" She gives them both a toothy grin. "That's cool!" She takes a seat, awkwardly shuffling around the chair and taking out her laptop.
Ghostdeeri places a few cups of tea for her, Traffic, and Ollie. The human puts it up to her mouth, takes a small sip, then blows on the hot tea. It seems to have burnt her tongue a bit.
"So- um..." Ollie fidgets with her hands, not knowing how to start the conversation. "Whaddya' want to know? I can't really just... start at a beginning. It's kinda awkward to go over 6,000 years of civilization when I've only lived for 19 of them before... going here, you know." She mumbles.
"There is no need to worry. I have watched a few of your videos on your channel- they provide a rather insightful view onto pre-Burning history." Ghostdeeri sips her tea. "I'm more talking about personal experiences. What was everyday life like, back then? What were your goals and aspirations?"
It was important to start with the easy stuff when interviewing someone, especially if they were younger and more inexperienced. Ollie perks up. "Oh! Yeah, that's easier..."
She hums, leaning back. "I was a pretty normal child. Went to kindergarten, elementary school, and high school for my education." Ollie elaborates on this, seeing Ghostdeeri's confusion on the terms.
"The country I lived in had free public education for around thirteen years. Kindergarten is for humans aged five years old, elementary is split into five years after that, and middle and high school are seven years after that." She says. "So for example, when a human from the United States says they are in 'fifth grade', they're on their sixth year of public education."
Ghostdeeri notes this down on her own papers. "Interesting public education system. Crossroads has the same, but it only goes up to seven years, not thirteen."
"Oh, that's not including college. Unfortunately, universities and colleges are not free- some are state-funded, yes, but students often have to pay their own fees and get scholarships." Ollie sighs. "I haven't paid off my loans before I died... I wonder how my poor parents feel."
"College is a waste, anyways..." Traffic complains. "The only demons that actually find it useful are in Blackrock. Always about science and all that." He kicks his feet up in the table.
"Oh, for The United States of America- the country I lived in-" Ollie says, elaborating on her situation. "College is basically mandatory for any job that isn't minimum wage labor. Almost everyone has at least a bachelor's degree or higher... it's got to the point where the job market was overinflated and job-hunting was hell back in my time." She gripes.
"Eesh." Traffic winces. Ghostdeeri thinks Ollie looks almost annoyed at it. "Was it... a socio-economic problem back in your era?"
"Oh, you have no idea how similar it was like back then! We've got the same damn problems, just with different contexts!" Ollie complains. "Pollution! Climate change! Political corruption, war- fuck, there were even several types of discrimination we had 'round the world that aren't present here!"
"..." Ghostdeeri tilts her head and Traffic seems to wilt at the mention of discrimination a bit. She was certain it had to do with his homelessness and how the nearby shopkeep (Lord Pwnatious, was it?) and how wealth played a huge role in social status. "I'm sure region-based discrimination and classism existed in the human era."
"Oh it does. It's been around since ages- and if you think four regions is bad, think of how bad it would be for 195 countries. Some of which are vastly more powerful than others, all with their own unique histories, government and politics, and culture."
Ghostdeeri lets out a choked gag, being taken off guard for the first time in years. Traffic's eyes widened. "I- you're joking." There was never a time in history where the number of independent regions (not isolated tribes) reached over twenty, much less a hundred. "What?"
"It might have to do with the fact that humans biologically reproduce- we're not really constrained by the 'two-gear' rule like you demons are." She shrugs. "At that time, our population exceeded eight billion. Of course there would be that many nations."
Ghostdeeri doubles over in her coughing. Traffic's brain does a buffering thing, and he speaks. "Um, I- how much is a billion again?"
"Think of a million. Then multiply it by a thousand." Ollie says. Ghostdeeri can comprehend the concept, but not the fact that it was applied to a population. A population of sapient, intelligent individuals, no less.
"That is... concerningly large." Ghostdeeri finally manages to say. "And those numbers came from medical advancements and higher quality of life?"
"Mhm. And the fact that there were a few economic booms and declines." She shakes her head. "Nevermind population numbers- let's go back to the topic at hand. It was... ah, yeah, social issues." Ollie groans. "I absolutely hate having to acknowledge how dumb some of my species and countrymen are."
"I- well, I see region conflicts as absolutely petty. I don't even see the difference between someone from Blackrock and Playground, due to my inexperience." She starts. "But humans... oh, we had centuries of shit to discriminate against."
Ghostdeeri looks morbidly fascinated as Ollie ranted. "Gender orientation is one of them, and it's fucking annoying. Like, yeah, humans are sexually dimorphic and there's significant biological differences, but that doesn't justify denying women rights for some fuckin' time! Geez!"
The idea that gender determining social standing was outlandish to Ghostdeeri and Traffic. Demons didn't have a biological sex, so gender was more of a suggestion to them. Female-presenting demons were just as deadly and capable as male-presenting ones- there was no difference.
"And then there's the fact that a lot of our political systems are outdated, that our politicians don't represent the people well, and- ugh!" She facepalms. "I can't even imagine how shit we must look compared to you guys, even if y'all literally tear each other apart over anything."
"Look- I could go into depth about so much shit about racism, sexism, almost every type of '-ism' there is that humans had problems with." Ollie pinches her nose. "But that'd just bring me into a worse mood and I just wanna talk about the casual stuff."
Ghostdeeri agrees. Olivine looks visibly frazzled having to talk about social issues, her hair spiking up. The flame demon nods. "We should change the subject to something less stressful for you- perhaps you can ask me a question in return? You did mention that you wanted to learn more about the Inpherno..."
Ollie blinks, and then exhales. "Oh- yeah, right. Um..." She paused. "Actually, is it okay if I ask a question about you? I'm kinda curious, because you don't look like the usual demon..."
"Go ahead." Ghostdeeri lets her be curious. "Is this about my species? Because I am afraid I do not know it myself- I simply appeared one day long ago and continued to live through the centuries."
"Actually, I was about to give a suggestion about what your species was..." Ollie asked. "Because I'm at least 50% sure you're a Dullahan."
Traffic looks stunned and interested, Ghostdeeri more so. "Pardon?"
"It was kinda silly of me to assume." Ollie says sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. "But the pumpkin-head thing- it reminded me of an old European legend about the 'headless horseman'. Basically, it was depicted as a male dullahan who carried a pumpkin head and beheaded it's enemies, in search of it's real head..."
Ghostdeeri lets out a small chuckle. "I assure you, I have not decapitated another demon in my lifetime."
Ollie coughs. "Nah. That's just one interpretation, and it was specifically talking about the headless horseman, not the dullahan species as a whole." She types in her computer and squints. "Again, there's many depictions- all of them headless and humanoid. But some carry the pumpkin-head in their arms, and others are actually depicted with ghostly flames spouting from their necks."
Ghostdeeri practically freezes stock-still. She's never taken off her pumpkin helmet out of fear of burning her books or scaring off other demons- so there was no way for Ollie to know what she looked like under there. Did... did the human just give me a potential lead to my origins?
The scruffy woman clears her throat again, going silent to read a few more passages on the black screen. "... There's a few explanations to the species- Irish myths call dullahan 'demonic fairies', but the rest of Europe, particularly Germany, they're apparently 'revenants' who are cursed to wander the earth until they either find their head or atone for their sins."
Ghostdeeri thinks back to the word. "'Revenant' as in... undead, correct?"
"Yeah, pretty much. It's mostly associated with skeletons or zombies." Ollie shrugs. "Myths are my favorite thing to research. Once I came here and realized demons were a thing, I decided to just pour a lot of my time into researching them."
There was no way that it was mere coincidence. Traffic glanced to Ghostdeeri, knowing how his friend had an odd connection to zombies. Ghostdeeri, on the other hand, was putting together the pieces, seeing how it all fit.
Headless, or at least a flaming head. The natural rightness she felt choosing out a helmet ages ago and settling on a pumpkin. Her zombie staff, combined with the fact that an undead would theoretically be better at wielding it.
"... I- you've given me a lot to think about." Ghostdeeri says. "This is- much more than I expected from our little conversation."
"Hey, no problem. If I may ask, can I go over a bunch of other myths from human cultures that might be true? I want to see if they exist here somewhere."
Ghostdeeri straightens up. "Of course. Go right ahead."
[Youtube]
America Obliterates Half Of Iran's Navy In 8 Hours! - Operation Praying Mantis - REUPLOAD
932,302 views - August 1, 201X Original from The Fat Electrician Channel...
502K △ Likes 8.4K▽ Dislikes ➦ Share ✂ Clip ☰+ Save ...
💾 Isekai Archive
1,032,004 Subscribers
394,944 Comments ☰ SORT BY
💾 Isekai Archive
I was feeling a bit patriotic today and Subspace T. Mine decided to be a whiny ##### last Phight so here you go. It's from one of my favorite military/history channels of 2024, The Fat Electrician.
He was a former 68w medic, which is basically a combat medic that supports line units. I'm not in the military IDK but at the time of this video, he was studying to be a history teacher. Very cool guy, I should reupload more of his videos on the Archive.
I know you guys like military history more than everything else so here you go. Eat well.
🏹 SnipeshotArcher
DUDE??? This is literally the most entertaining video in your Archive so far, I really loved this guy's humor! Can't believe military humor transcends time and species lmao
🎹 Forte
Dude it's so weird seeing another human just... there? It's wild to think this guy is dead hundreds of thousands of years ago and he existed before the Great Burning.
🚝 Monorailer
Dude imagine if Blackrock had this kind of power. Too bad their navy is kinda #### lmao, this is what happens when you invest all your #### into land infantry and air superiority
🌅 xXgamertriceXx
blackrock's bay is literally just icebergs and cold-ass water, don't blame them
🖨️ coil843
It's ALWAYS the damn air force being such hotshots. They get better rations than the Blackrock infantry >:(
🌋 MagmaMonster
average military interaction between land and air force. lmao
🖨️ coil843
I'm not kidding my brother is in the air force and he gets ####ing five-star meals every week. My ### here is with shitty rations and he gets the damn chicken roast while I get the rice and cold coffee
🛩️ flyby843
BRUH why do you have to rat me out like that comrade
🖨️ coil843
#### you
🤖 EpicBotGamer
I find it really funny that the treaty at the end managed to be bull####ted because America didn't specify oil rigs on the no-attack list. This is like the most annoying, technical thing ever that Lost Temple would do
💾 Isekai Archive
To be honest the closest thing to America would be Crossroads, since it's a melting pot of immigrants. It's got way more time to develop as well, so it's got a bunch of it's strength from combining the strengths of their citizens.
But TBH Lost Temple (and any other region, actually) would probably be absolutely raided by America if they even had a bit of oil.
🩻 gearsandguns
oof there goes Blackrock. RIP to the biggest oil producer and exporter in the Inpherno
🧸 TeddyTrap
Archive you can't keep doing this. I've already been hit back-to-back with life-shattering info and you can't just pull up with some military stories of your ancient civilization. This is making re-evaluate my ####ing life
😈 CoolnEdgy
What's with the oil joke anyway? I mean gas prices are important for cars but you can just walk. And the joke about the 'Ronald Reagan' guy makes no sense without context
💾 Isekai Archive
America was highly automobile dependent, even in cities. It was one of the many problems it had, so any increases in gas prices means that everyone gets pissed.
Ronald Reagan was an admittedly contraversial president of the United States (basically leaders that are elected by the people voting, with a max of two 4-year terms). In the context of this video, he was known for increasing military spending, and increasing the USA's global influence in order to combat the Soviet Union (basically Blackrock but an even shittier government)
⚾️ HomerunHitter
How can Blackrock's government be shittier???
♠️ SpadeBoss
You can't just say that!!! SFOTH's sake you're gonna get sniped!!!
⚾️ HomerunHitter
I'm from Thieves' Den dumb### I can say what I want
⛓️ Clashking000
What the Navy SEALS??? I know it's probably an acronym for some special force
💾 Isekai Archive
It stands for "SEa, Air, and Land" teams in America's navy. They're the primary special operations force and a part of the Naval Special Warfare Command. They're basically elite soldiers that undergo extensive physical and mental training.
They're associated with recon and small-unit, direct-action missions against military targets, according to my archives. Do any of the factions have that type of stuff?
⛓️ Clashking000
I mean, Blackrock has their own equivalent. The closest thing I've heard would be the GHOST (Glacial High-Operational Special Teams) units, which also have an intense training routine involving sub-zero temperature survival.
💾 Isekai Archive
Damn, that's pretty cool- the hardest part of Navy SEAL training (from what my records say) is something called "Hell Week" where there's a bunch of swimming, heavy training, exercising through muddy ocean water. They're also only supposed to sleep for 4 hours a day with no coffee, and have to eat in dirty conditions.
That's not including all the demolitions training, weapons handling, medical training, etc...
⛴️ Cruiser
all of that for one week??? Dude I can't last a few days without sleeping or drinking coffee!
[Tumblr Post 1]
💾 isekai_archive Follow
14 hours ago
Damn y'all have a dry gaming scene. I mean it's pretty good but compared to 2020's human time your stuff is really boring.
You know what, I'm gonna start giving out free downloads to some games. Sure it's gonna be hell on my PC to download everything but I can get you guys some good shit
💾 isekai_archive Follow
Alright, after a fuck ton of downloading and waiting for shit to load (GOD is your internet speed slow compared to mine) , I present to you Minecraft (best selling-game of all time)
Download minecraft.zip
I'm not gonna be an ass and make it a virus, so have fun building stuff. It's literally just a survival-building game, and it's possible to mod as well
I couldn't get multiplayer to work unless it's on LAN, so if you want to play with friends then you better go to an internet cafe or something
🎮 indie_devmon Follow
Huh, the download actually works. Not a bad game- I already poured five hours into building a base and I really like the options you get for building. Really wish there were more fun animals to tame though, instead of just dogs and cats :(
Update: There are parrots omg. You can make them dance if you build a jokebox and play a disc I just discovered this
Update again: The #### is an end portal??? What's this supposed to do?
Update #3: HOLY FUCK IT HAS A BOSS FIGHT???
🥫 beanzzz Follow
Is it possible to speedrun this game @isekai_archive?
💾 isekai_archive Follow
Yeah we had speedruns back then too. Basically it involves a LOT of RNG but the goal is to get to The End and beat the Ender dragon in the shortest time possible.
🧨 dynamo_yt Follow
You're just gonna drop this for FREE? This is literally peak how in the world???
🏰 castleguardian Follow
man i love this fun little game (^U^) made myself a cute little cottage in creative mode with a dog house and a nice waterfall
🌠 karmastar2 Follow
i just built a dirt mansion and it still slaps
[Tumblr Post 2]
💾 isekai_archive Follow
5 hours ago
As per popular demand I will also be uploading human-era video games to the net for free, as I literally have all of them for free on my laptop. It'll take hella long and I'll have to find a website dedicated specifically to hold all the download links, but yeah
Okay my homies in Plyaground are gonna love GTA5. It's basically an action-adventure game set in fictional American cities based on real cities. It's open-world, got a cool storyline and focuses a lot on crime and being a menace to society (I like to be a menace but in a way that doesn't end up with a lot of dead bodies)
Download grandtheftauto5.zip
🧨 dynamo_yt Follow
Archive you CANNOT continue to drop hit after hit my hard drive is already aching under the pressure of downloading all this!!! I am screaming (in a good way)!
💸 ballin_at_cost Follow
how the hell did they capture the average playground experience so well. not enough trees though :(
🏏 sword_n_ball Follow
I know right!!! this is literally just what central playground is like! San Andreas is just the human version of whatever big-city in Playground is closest to a gang.
🎫 tix_taker92 Follow
Just played this game with the homies, already managed to commit several crimes and get wanted for several accounts of vehicular manslaughter. A very good stress reliever!
[Hyperlaser]
He had no idea how he got in this situation. He'd (unwillingly) become a father of three very skittish, energetic Zeta Biografts, messing around his apartment and literally sticking to him at every waking moment.
He wonders if this is what his idol felt, when he adopted Rocket. Gods, it was somehow both the most stressful thing he's done and the least lonely he's been in his life. His apartment is filled with chatter and bustling now, not just the quiet whir of the heater and the quiet meows of Princess.
The mercenary sighed, crossing his arms together as he looked at the three Biografts scuffling with each other. "Four! Five! Both of you settle down." He tries to pick them up by the scruff of the jackets he'd bought for them, but the two squirm away from his grip.
Seven, the more mature of the three, snaps at Four. "BROTHER. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND LET FATHER GET PREPARED."
Hyperlaser groaned, giving his cat a pat on the head as she meows indignantly, clearly just as annoyed as her owner by the mechanical yapping. "Either you two keep it down or we're not going to Theives' Den today!" The two immediately settled down, with Four grumbling.
"HE STARTED IT..." He turns away from Five. Hyperlaser herds the three out of his apartment and into the street below like unruly sheep, and wishes he had one of those toddler-leashes for his 'children'.
Gods, I have children now... The thought makes Hyperlaser light-headed and panicky, as the three Biografts follow him onto the train to Crossroads and take up the seats. I don't know the first thing about taking care of them! They're self-sufficient, right?!
He's still panicking even though the Biografts could most likely do a lot of stuff by themselves. Alas, such is the plight of a parent with grown children.
There's a few other Biografts on the train, all lounging about. Their newfound sapience was a shock to all the regions, but they adapted quite quickly- there's still some talks about worker's unions and regulating their creation. It's surprising how quick it spread.
There's a Beta Biograft standing near one of the poles, holding it with one hand while the other swipes at a phone. A few other Biografts are just chatting around with demon passengers or just sitting quietly, watching the scenery go by. He even sees a rather diminutive Chi Biograft perch on the shoulders of their Zeta Biograft friend, kicking their legs back and forth absently.
Hyperlaser decides that he's just going to visit Katana, maybe take a trip to Thieves' Den and try to find enrichment for his kids that doesn't involve them going around and causing mayhem. Gods, he hopes so.
"Now arriving at Crossroads, Station 1A. Please exit at your stop, and have a nice day." The intercom blares. Hyperlaser steps off the train and onto the platform, Four and Five hopping next to him and Seven lazily sliding behind them.
"Alright. Come on, Four, Five, Seven- let's take a walk, alright?" Four bounds up to his side like an excitable puppy with Five and Seven trail behind. They weave through some crowds, looking back and forth at the crowded city.
"FATHER, FATHER, FATHER-" Five says, tugging at Hyperlaser's sleeve. He rolls his eyes under his helmet. "What is it, Five." He says, exasperated.
"CAN I GO TO THE HOBBY STORE AGAIN? TO BUY MORE MODELS?" Five tilted his head, doing his best to make puppy-eyes despite not having actual eyes. Hyperlaser pinches his nose. "Five, you already spent fifty dollars on a DIY mecha model this week- either you save up more money or wait next month so you don't break my bank, alright?"
"AWWW, DAD..." He says, and Hyperlaser chokes. "Do not use that tone on me, young man!" He chides. By the SFOTH, he even sounds like a parent now. It's only been a few weeks. How is he already attached.
Thankfully, Seven reins in his brother, giving Five a nudge and headbutt. "FIVE, LISTEN TO HYPERLASER." The other robot lets out an annoyed whir and headbutts back. "YOU'RE NO FUN!"
"Five, I cannot believe I have to tell you this, but settle down." Hyperlaser lets out a suffering sigh. "See, this is why Seven is my favorite."
"SEVEN IS YOUR FAVORITE?" Four says, his artificial tone warbling a bit. Hyperlaser panics, knowing that he's upset his other 'child'. "No, no, I don't mean it like that, Four-"
Four starts to argue with Seven, clearly jealous that his 'older' brother was apparently his father's favorite. Hyperlaser is left dragging the three Biografts along, at his wit's end. I can't take this anymore! Parenting is too hard! Gods, help me!
They somehow make it all the way to Thieves' Den, in front of Katana's house. There's some talking inside, and Hyperlaser breathes a sigh of relief. Shuriken and Vine Staff must be visiting- maybe they can keep his children's attention and entertain them enough for Hyperlaser to get some rest.
He knocks on Katana's door, and his friend answers to see a beraggled Hyperlaser, three Biografts crowding around him and arguing like unruly pups. Hyperlaser responds with a desperate tone. "Katana please help me. I've got kids now and I haven't had a good night's sleep for days-"
Katana kinda just... stands there, in shock. He's clearly not comprehending the fact that his stoic, quiet friend had adopted three Biografts. "... Excuse me?"
"Look, these three just started following me home one day and I can't get them out of my house, and they just started calling me dad and-" Hyperlaser makes a strangled noise, burying his face-helmet in his hands. "Gods help me I'm attached."
"I expected you to adopt more strays given that little cat you keep around, but I did not expect you to adopt these strays." Katana says, amused. He leans down, patting the three Biografts on the head. "And who might you three be?"
Four perks up, turning his attention away from Five. "I AM FOUR! THESE ARE MY BROTHERS FIVE AND SEVEN!" He gestures to them, and puffs up his chest. "I AM FATHER HYPERLASER'S FAVORITE! NOT SEVEN!" He boasts. Seven makes a affronted noise.
"Kids! Enough of that, you're all my favorite!" Hyperlaser says, clearly stressed. "Calm down so we can visit Katana and his neighbors, okay?"
"YAY! TWO DADS!" Four says. Hyperlaser makes a choking-hacking sound again, clearly shocked and embarrassed. Katana's eye widens under his mask, and he coughs, sputtering.
"No! Not two dads!" Hyperlaser screeches, trying to make sure he doesn't scare Katana off with the idea of being fathers together. "He's my friend! Nothing more!"
"BUT ISN'T THAT HOW FATHERS WORK?" Five says, tilting his head. "YOUR COMRADES TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN TOO? THEREFORE, HE IS A SECOND FATHER!"
Hyperlaser begs to the SFOTH to just end him now as Katana gets more embarrased and continues coughing and getting flustered. This can't get any worse.
"Yo, what's going on here?" None other than Ollie the human and her two Biograft roomates poke their heads out of the door behind them. Shuriken and Vine Staff do the same. "Oh! Hey, Hyperlaser! Hello, Biografts!"
"HELLO, HUMAN THAT FATHER HATES!" Four chirps. "THIS IS OUR FATHER AND OUR OTHER FATHER!"
Ollie's mouth drops open. Her Beta Biograft friend makes a small whirring-chortle sound and her Zeta Biograft grumbles, handing over some Bux. Shuriken and Vinestaff are shaking each other, disbelieving.
Hyperlaser wants to die. Nevermind, it CAN get worse!
After a lot of explaining and a very embarrassed confirmation that no, Hyperlaser and Katana were not dating, things calmed down. The group was settled down on Katana's couch, with Ollie and the others drinking tea that the older demon had set out for them.
"Ohhhh. That makes more sense." Vine Staff says, looking between the two. "From what you were saying, it seemed like... erm..."
"What sis is trying to say is that you two really looked like you were dating." Shuriken blurts out. Ollie facepalms.
"Shuri, I know Orion and Athena made bets and I told you it was a possibility- not that it was happening!" The human stresses. "Please do not assume someone is in a romantic relationship until they directly tell you!"
Hyperlaser's eye twitches under his helmet. "You. Bet on us. Having a romantic relationship." The accursed human throws up her hands, trying to make herself seem less guilty.
"Hey! I didn't make the bet- My roommates did!" The Zetagraft and Betagraft looked sheepish, somehow. "Orion and Athena had their own idea- and I mean, It did kinda seem romantic when you disappear every few nights to hang out with your 'drinking buddy'-"
"You will not finish that sentence, rat." Hyperlaser hisses, clearly mortified. "Four, Five- you don't think the same, do you?!"
His own adopted sons seemed to look away. Five seems to be whistling innocently (even though he can't actually whistle and is just playing an audio clip), Four is twiddling his thumbs. Seven just crosses his arms and admits it straight-up.
"THERE WAS A 60% CHANCE YOU WERE MEETING UP AT BARS FOR ROMANTIC GETAWAYS WITH YOUR FRIEND, FATHER." Katana chokes again, trying not to spill his tea.
"U-unfortunately I am very much not interested in Hyperlaser that way, even if he is a very good-looking demon." Katana says, patting Hyperlaser's back for reassurance. The mercenary buries his head in his hands, making a muffled screaming sound. Whyyyyyy...
Vine Staff makes an awkward coughing sound, and turns to Hyperlaser. "You said you came here because you needed help taking care of your... children?"
"Yes. Four, Five, and Seven get skittish if they get cramped in my apartment, and because we've got our patrols paused for a week..." Hyperlaser tries his best to regain his dignity. "I was- wondering if you three could maybe entertain them for a while. You know, like a play-date or something, I don't know..."
Ollie hums for a while, then perks up. "Of course! We'll make sure they're happy- you go take a break or something, Hyperlaser." She snickers a bit. "Man, only a week and you're already a tired father..."
[Ollie]
Orion watches at the mercenary stumbles out of the living room and into Katana's guest room, instantly closing the door. There's the sound of him falling onto the mattress. They maybe hear their roommate mutter, "Massive L for the Hypertana shippers..." under her breath in a disappointed voice, but decidedly ignores it. What do nautical ships have to do with those two, anyways?
"OH WOW. HE WAS REALLY EXHAUSED." Orion says, clearly surprised. "YOU THREE REALLY DID A NUMBER ON HIS MIND, HUH?" He nudges at the three other Betagrafts, watching them fidget.
The one designated Seven gives a scoff. "MY BROTHERS ARE RATHER IRRITATING. BOTH FOUR AND FIVE ARE IMMATURE AND CHILDISH, DESPITE BEING CREATED CHRONOLOGICALLY BEFORE ME." The aforementioned brothers made offended noises. "HEY!"
Athena scoffs, her mechanical insides clicking as she straightens up. "LISTEN HERE, SHORTSTACKS. WE'RE OLIVINE'S FRIENDS, AND WE'LL WHIP YOU INTO SHAPE SO YOUR POOR FATHER CAN ACTUALLY GET A HANDLE ON YOU." She punches her fist into her hand in a threatening gesture.
Ollie makes a face at that. "Athena, that's not the way to discipline misbehaving children."
"IT IS FOR ME. WHOOP THEIR ASS." She says, pointing to the three cowering Biografts. Ollie huffs, and shakes her head. "No! That's cruel and unusual- spankings should be a last resort, not the first." The human sighs.
"Orion, you deal with them asking any questions related to repair or something- I'm not a robotics expert. Shuriken, Vine Staff- can you two maybe get some hot chocolate for the three? Biografts don't really need to eat but they can absorb liquids with their crystals... apparently."
"'Kay, Ollie!" Shuriken backflips off the couch and his sister simply stands up, the both of them walking over to Katana's kitchen. Ollie turns to the three Betagrafts, all antsy.
"Now, who wants to hear some old human stories?" She grins, her smile sharp and energetic. "I've got some old war stories about some magnificent bastards during the human era, and boy would you not believe how batshit crazy they are!"
Orion watches as Ollie hums, pulling out her laptop. "So, who wants to hear about a battleship commander who treated his entire battleship like a sniper, eh?!"
"OOOH! ME!" Four chimes, clearly excited. He waves his hand in the air. "COME ON! HOW?"
"Well, it all started with this guy bein' born in 1888 in Kentucky- real interesting man, his name was Willis Lee but his friends called him "Ching" because he sounded Asian!" Ollie rambled.
Orion was, of course, familiar with the story. She'd gotten bored, apparently retold the story from one of the videos in her archive because she wanted to entertain him and Athena as practice for her interactions.
Most of Ollie's charisma didn't come naturally- she was actually a very awkward person without a script or persona. So she'd practiced, using her free time to either ramble with a mirror or bother them.
"And, well, he was a damn good shot, got it from his father! His small town asked him to deal with pests, blown' the head off rats and all that." Ollie continued. "Lee was also a troublemaker- being a smart-aleck to his teachers, blowin' up stuff with gunpowder and overall bein' a risk taker."
"One day, he'd been messing with some gunpowder with hsi brother- filled a coffee can full of it and trailed some from a distance. The fella lit the trail up, and got all confused when the can didn't blow up. Walked right up to it to check- and boom!" Ollie made a dramatic gesture. "So the legendary marksman ended up blind for a week! Got his sight back, but had near-sightedness for the rest of his life. Had to wear his iconic glasses!"
The bombastic way Olivine told the story was like a childhood friend excitedly telling someone about a school incident- except it was an ancient human telling a group of Biografts about a forgotten human war hero from hundreds of thousands of years ago. Even Katana listens in a bit, snorting.
At this point, Shuriken and Vinestaff have comeback from the kitchen, hot chocolate in hand. They're drawn in by Ollie's narration as well, practiced and perfected.
"And he was already a badass before service- see, when he was still in a military academy, he'd ended up in a national competition for marksmen. Six hundred eighty four people there- and he wins the rifle competition first place with a bulls-eye at a thousand yards. He gets bored, goes to the pistol competition too- and he's winnin' that one too!"
"Just in the middle of it- bam!" Ollie makes an explosion noise. "The pistol in his right hand's faulty- and it blows up! You know what he does? He asks his buddy to toss over another pistol, and he shoots it with his non-dominant hand, the madland! He wins that competition first-place too!"
"NO WAY." Five says, clearly surprised. "BUT WOULDN'T HE DO WORSE WITHOUT HIS GEAR?"
Ollie gives a smirk. "Five, buddy- humans don't have gears. We aren't given our best weapon when we're born outta the womb- we just find it along the way in life." The three Biograft siblings seem to vibrate in excitement at the badass-ness of the idea.
"Now, lemme continue. Because of his bad eyesight- he fails his physical. The damn bureaucracy didn't let him become a soldier because his vision's screwed from that one childhood mistake, and he wasn't qualified to join the Navy." There's a round of 'come on!'s from the audience.
Ollie rolls her eyes, smiling. "Of course, did that stop him? No! He just cheated on the eye exam and gets into the navy anyway!"
"Now, there's a revolution in some place called Mexico, and the new government's not a fan of America so they kidnap a few American sailors, leadin' to a clusterfuck in 1914 with embargos and weapons. Course, Lee's coincidentally chosen to land in Vera Cruz, and they start shootin' at them, right?"
"So his unit gets pinned down by a buncha snipers on the roofs. Nobody's able to get a hit on them because the've got the high ground. And you know what that guy did?" Ollie says, a grin on her face.
Four leans forward, tense in anticipation. "WHAT? WHAT DID HE DO?"
"Why, his first badass feat, of course!" Ollie smiles like a maniac. "He walks out in the street in broad. Daylight. With a gun on his hand, nothing but iron sights- and he just sits there."
"NO." Four says, in disbelief. Shuriken is also amazed. "Did he die?"
The human continues with the tale. "No. One sniper shoots at him- and the guy misses. Lee sees where the guy is, takes his gun, aims- and remember, he doesn't miss. That's one guy down."
Ollie makes a motion with her hand, as if mimicking a rifle. "Another sniper shoots at him- pow! Another miss! And Lee takes aim- and hits him dead on."
"This happens over and over. Shoot, miss. Lee shoots, another dead soldier." Olivine makes a dramatic gesture. "At the end- his own men say that he killed as many as twelve snipers, just by sitting in broad daylight."
The three Biograft siblings are squirming, but this time, it's from the excitement of the story. Vine Staff and Shuriken look impressed- but none are more impressed than Katana. "I do not think Hyperlaser could pull that off," He muses.
"Of course not. Willis Lee was one of those type of guys that come only once in a blue moon. Talent and hard work, all in one." Ollie says.
"Now- let's skip forward to his most memorable battle. After some promotions, gettin' into the first world war and second world war- he's responsible for many things, actually. Won five Olympic medals- basically a worldwide competition with the best human athletes alive, and he'd taught a bunch of marines and naval officers how to shoot, did a bunch of things for gunnery and approving the war effort for the second world war."
"He creates his own way to calibrate battleship guns until they're more accurate, he does a bunch of bureaucratic things." Ollie makes a 'so-so gesture'. "All that shit is important- but I have a feeling you three want to hear about the fighting."
The three Biografts are rowdy as hell, stirring up a storm. Even Seven, usually the responsible one, is eager to listen. "TELL US." Five chimes in. "YEAH, TELL US!"
"So, Lee ends up commader of America's fast battleships. He trains everyone on the U.S.S. Washington- don't ask me for the specs, because my dumb ass doesn't remember them- to be expert marksmen. Now, at the time the battle was against Japan, since in the second world war they were on the other side..."
Ollie clears her throat, and continues. "So- at the Battle of Guadalcanal, he's leading the U.S.S. Washington while the U.S.S. Dakota is also there. There's a surprise attack from the Japanese- three destroyers were sunk, and the enemy starts opening fire of the U.S.S. Dakota."
"Lee basically radios in, then draws the attention of the Japanese by shooting at the Japanese battleship, the Kirishima. His men aim all nine guns at them and open fire- and they hit 'em so fast and hard, they don't even return fire yet. He hits them with so many damn missiles that he, and I quote from a historian, "bitch slapped them with the equivalent of a car dealership in five minutes."
Shuriken snorts out a laugh at the saying. Vine Staff giggles, and the Biografts look like they're about to explode at the joke. Ollie smiles. "He sank that other battleship in five minutes."
"There's still more Japanese ships attacking the U.S.S. Dakota, which is in trouble because of some technical issues. Lee turns the USS Washington around and opens fire, making them chase him down while his allies retreat."
"Now- he's so damn accurate, Lee orders his gunners to target the searchlights on the enemy ships, basically making them fight in the dark. Think about that- a massive battleship, so precise that it could snipe out the damn lights on an enemy hundreds of miles away."
There's a collective "WOAH!" from the Biografts, amazed at the feat. Ollie continues. "They fire white phosphorus to mess up the optic targeting of the Japanese, and the U.S.S. Washington manages to get away, absolutely unscathed."
There's a loud cheer from Hyperlaser's children, and Ollie gives a smile and bow. "I don't really remember the rest, but he was awarded a bunch of prestigious medals for that. It's absolutely wild."
"That's... a really nice story." Vine Staff admits. "You've got a knack for talking, Ollie."
"Aw, shucks. It's nothing- I was just reciting off some old video I remembered from my archive." Ollie seems to be embarrassed at the praise. "But thank you anyways."
"TELL US MORE! TELL US MORE!" Four and Five are practically bouncing on the couch, eager for Ollie to remember some more badass stories or whatever. She chuckles. "Okay, okay! I'll probably find something- keep it quiet, you don't want your father to wake up from all the ruckus, right?"
"YAY!" The Biografts cozy themselves up on the couch. Orion and Athena seem exasperated but fond of their fellow robots, while Shuriken and Vine Staff pour some more tea.
[Hyperlaser]
He'd woken up from his long-deserved rest groaning, blinking blearily. He can't see, but he rummages around for his helmet and puts it back on, his sight returning.
It's dark outside, the window in Katana's guest room showing the dusky night sky with stars dotting the landscape. Hyperlaser notes how quiet the whole place is.
He stretches, then opens the door to the living room. He blinks at the sight that greets him.
The three Betagrafts that see him as their father are all curled up on one of the couches, cuddled together like sleeping kittens. Their charger-tails are connected to a power strip, all bundled together.
On the other couch, Ollie is snoring away with her own Biograft roommates, who are plugged in at the opposite end of the power strip. Vine Staff and Shuriken have taken to sleeping on the floor, blankets and pillows laid out.
Katana is standing against the wall. He's completely quiet, and makes a shushing motion towards Hyperlaser.
The mercenary nods, and sighs. He takes a blanket from one of Katana's cabinets, and lays it over his three sons. Hyperlaser makes sure they're all covered from the cold night air.
He doesn't give Ollie a blanket out of pettiness. But that's okay. He goes back into the guest room, leaving the door open so he could look after Four, Five, and Seven.
