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1.
After months of sailing and almost dying together a handful of times, Sanji thought he knew the crew pretty well. When he walked in on the impossible sight of their half-naked captain and first mate mauling each other in Merry’s storage room a day after they fell from Skypiea, he promptly wiped his mind of all preconceptions.
He knew nothing. He was ignorance incarnate. Tabula rasa, thy name is Sanji.
Mosshead noticed his presence and raised a singular eyebrow. He didn’t have the grace to extricate himself from their captain’s tongue, however, and said captain was treating himself to the swordsman as if he was a ten-course gourmet offering.
Sanji backed away and shut the door as quietly as he could. When he next saw Mosshead in the galley, he threw up his hands — palms open, free of knives — and Mosshead tossed back a curt nod.
So that was that.
Then Robin got kidnapped and Usopp got beaten up and robbed, and they didn’t get a chance to talk about any of it… not that they were ever going to.
Next thing Sanji knew, he had his first bounty, Luffy got a vice admiral for a grandpa and the notorious revolutionary for a dad, and suddenly there was a pink-haired marine batting equally pink heart-eyes at Luffy in front of all the Straw Hats, an entire marine brigade, and God.
Sanji nervously looked at Zoro, who had his arms crossed and lips upturned in a bloodthirsty smirk.
It was his usual resting murder face. Sanji couldn’t read it.
At one point Luffy and Koby went inside to catch up, and Sanji was summoned to fix them a drink, leaving Zoro to supervise the marines’ wall repair efforts. The hammering drowned out the old friends’ conversation, and try as he might, Sanji could only pick out bits and pieces.
It sounded like Luffy was recounting some of their adventures to Koby, and telling his old friend way too much information about the Straw Hat crew. Koby just sat there — way too close, in Sanji’s opinion — listening intently with his gaze glued to Luffy’s face. When his eyes drifted downward to Luffy’s mouth for the first time, Sanji almost dropped the cocktail shaker. When it happened again, he glanced out the window in alarm and found Zoro chatting with the high-tension blond marine, not a care in the world.
Sanji could only sigh. He decided to focus on his task instead, which was being his captain’s occasional bartender. Relationship counselor was not a part of the job description.
Thankfully, the marines and Luffy’s not-so-secret admirer didn’t stay long. The Straw Hats got a new ship, a new crewmate, and it was back to adventuring on the high seas.
2.
He missed them. Fuck, did he miss them.
Nami and Robin were on top of the list, of course, but he missed them all: Usopp’s outlandish tales, Chopper’s healing touch, Franky’s boastful laughter, and of course, Luffy’s confidence and unwavering faith. There was a skeleton guy as well, but they didn’t really get to know each other that well before splitting up; but sure, he missed that weirdo too!
Did he leave someone out? Oh, right. The Mosshead, who, upon arriving at Sabaody, promptly boarded the wrong ship and almost got separated again. He didn’t miss that idiot at all.
Sanji’s heart was light when they spotted Luffy decimate a Pacifista in the distance. The green-haired idiot got in his way when he was about to take care of a second Pacifista on his own, but it was easy not to dwell on it, not when Luffy was right there. God, he missed them.
After a long separation, Sanji had expected some surprises from the crew. New weapons and skills and even some physical changes were surely par for the course.
What he didn’t expect was the Pirate Fucking Empress herself, a Warlord of the Seas and leader of the Kuja Pirates, personally seeing Luffy off as she shouted marriage proposals after him.
There were nosebleeds. There were tears. At one point Sanji might have considered strangling Luffy for squandering his good fortune. At another point he definitely plotted revenge against Kuma for the fucked up destinations he chose for each Straw Hat.
He tried to be mature about it; he really did. But he couldn’t not ask! It was Boa Hancock!
That’s how it came out that Luffy had known her for two years now, and that she played an instrumental role helping him get inside Impel Down.
“You snuck inside the prison under her clothes?” Nami asked in surprise while Sanji had to bite down on his lip to prevent a scream from scaring the fish around them.
Robin chuckled. “How scandalous.”
Luffy, the clueless idiot, laughed and said, “I’d already seen her naked so it was no big deal.”
The crew was flabbergasted. The follow-up question was obvious, and Sanji was about to ask it when he remembered the Mosshead.
Doing his best impression of a nonchalant bystander, Sanji tilted his head and glanced at their silent swordsman.
Zoro had a faint smile on his now scarred face, the type of amused, indulgent smile that every crew member reserved for Luffy’s silliest and most charming moments. If the knowledge that Luffy and the Pirate Empress might have shared two very intimate years together bothered him, he definitely didn’t show it. But the Mosshead was never very good at hiding his emotions, so Sanji couldn’t figure out what that smile meant.
Sanji reined in his desire for gossip. A lot could change in two years. Maybe they never exchanged any promises of exclusivity. Maybe Luffy had dumped Mosshead even before Sabaody? If that was the case, he applauded them for remaining friends after the fact.
But if they were still together, then Sanji couldn’t understand it at all. He might be a lover of all ladies, but should he be lucky enough to settle down with the woman of his soul one day, he couldn’t imagine ever sharing her with someone else. He and Zoro never saw eye to eye. This was just another perfect example of the differences between them.
3.
The number one lesson Sanji learned on Fishman Island was that fishmen could really hold their alcohol, because King Neptune was going toe-to-toe with Nami and his lovely Nami-chwan was actually looking hazy around the eyes.
Usually during banquets Sanji preferred to keep a clear head. Even when there were other chefs helping out, Luffy always demanded more of Sanji’s cooking specifically, and he never failed to deliver.
But as attentive as he was, he still needed the occasional bathroom break.
Sanji handed over his tongs to one of Neptune’s palace chefs and left the bustle of the party. He followed the path where Prince Fukaboshi had led away their wayward green-haired swordsman just ten minutes prior. Sanji snorted back a derisive laugh. That idiot was so dumb he needed a chaperone to ensure he wouldn’t get lost going to the bathroom. What a child.
He’d expected the washroom to be far away, considering Mosshead and Fukaboshi hadn’t returned yet. But once he rounded a gazebo and the hubbub behind him faded to a soft din, he saw the two standing by a splendid garden, quietly talking. Fukaboshi was using his golden trident to point at a building nearby, gesticulating in that regal way of his, and Mosshead was silent but nodding cordially.
Curiosity successfully piqued, Sanji stayed in the shadows of corals and stepped a little closer. He didn’t make any noise but didn’t deliberately try to hide his presence either. With Zoro’s observation haki, hiding was moot.
“... and as Crown Prince, I shall inherit the palace in its entirety, and everything you see here will one day belong to me,” Fukaboshi could be heard saying to Zoro. “My brothers have already been given their own manors, but they are under no pressure to relocate. Shirahoshi as well, of course, is welcome to live in the palace for as long as she wishes. We do not tolerate infighting within the family, and shall support one another for as long as we live.”
If Sanji was confused, Zoro, who only ever had brains for sword-fighting, was completely baffled.
“That’s… nice?” he tried. Even from a bad angle, Sanji could tell Zoro was doing his best to not let confusion show on his face.
Fukaboshi continued undeterred. “While fishmen are ostracized and persecuted, we have abundant resources to offer, and as our island remains the entrance to the New World, our trade prospers despite outside interference. Under the Straw Hats’ protection, we shall continue to flourish. One day soon, I have faith that Fishman Island will be recognized as a gem of the sea, and I shall be its benevolent ruler.”
It honestly just sounded like Fukaboshi was bragging. Sanji’s bladder was hounding him, but he wanted to stay, if for no other reason than to enjoy the incredulity warring with annoyance on Zoro’s carefully controlled expression.
Fukaboshi turned his earnest blue eyes to the swordsman. It looked like he was finally about to get to the point.
“Roronoa, as you have seen and heard, this Fukaboshi is sincere. I have much to offer; as does my kingdom. I admit, I am not without failings, but nothing matters more to me than family and my people. I will remain loyal to the end of my days, and I shall always strive to be righteous and valiant. This is a vow I will never break.”
“... Right… Good for you. I guess?” Zoro was starting to get angry now, Sanji could tell. Fukaboshi was keeping him from his drinks for no better reason than to talk nonsense about his own virtues, which Zoro gave exactly zero shits about.
Fukaboshi exhaled deeply, visibly steeled himself, and finally explained, “As Straw Hat Luffy’s brother has passed away, and from all that I have gathered, you are his spirit brother on the battlefield, this Fukaboshi would like to ask for your blessing and permission to court your captain, for I wish to have his hand in marriage.”
Zoro’s eye blew wide open, and his eyebrows almost climbed to the edge of his hairline. Sanji was pretty sure his own face matched the Mosshead’s.
“Are you serious?” Zoro asked without a hint of emotion in his voice.
“I would not make light of such matters. Strawhat Luffy is a formidable ally. He is righteous and virtuous. Marrying him would be my honor. Of course, as I have made clear, he would not be disgracing himself in marrying me either.”
“Because you have ‘much to offer.’ Right.” Zoro was scratching his one scarred eye with the hilt of Wado Ichimonji. And sighing. There was a lot of sighing. “So this is a political thing?”
A silence settled over them. It didn’t have enough time to get comfortable, however, because Fukaboshi’s pale cheeks suddenly grew pink, a color that contrasted terribly with his blue hair, and he said, much quieter than before, “Not at all, Roronoa. Fear not. I find your captain… extremely pleasing to the eye. We also owe him a great debt, and my sister, whom I love most, adores him wholeheartedly. My entire family would welcome him, and we would treat him as befitting a king’s consort. If you are concerned, do not be. I… I may be clumsy in ways of the heart, but I vow to care for him, always.”
“Look, stop… vowing all the time. Who the fuck does that? And what’s with everyone suddenly wanting to get hitched to Luffy?”
“There are others vying for his hand?” Fukaboshi gripped his trident in a defensive stance. His brow was furrowed and his mouth beset by a deep frown.
Now that was how a proper man should behave when confronted by love rivals, not whatever meditative serenity bullshit Mosshead had going on.
Zoro patted Fukaboshi on the arm placatively. “Prince, what you have to understand is Luffy doesn’t let anyone tell him what to do. If he ever decides to marry, he certainly won’t need my, or anyone’s, blessing. And ‘permission’? Don’t even go there. Look, I think Nami’s gonna drink all my booze if I don’t get back soon. Thanks for showing me the bathroom and your, um, garden? I really can’t help you with the Luffy situation. Good luck.”
So saying, Zoro left a crestfallen Fukaboshi to contemplate his next move alone. On his way back to the party, he passed the corals where Sanji had been hiding. Zoro gave Sanji a side-eye but didn’t slow his gait.
Desperately needing to relieve himself but also not wanting to let go of an opportunity to goad Zoro, Sanji muttered after him, “Aren’t you worried Luffy will say yes?”
It was a dumb question, and he knew it was dumb the second it left his mouth. But he didn’t regret asking, because Sanji genuinely, truly wanted to know. Didn’t Mosshead care even a little?
Not missing a beat, Zoro responded, “Aren’t you worried you’ll pee your pants?”
Sanji could’ve gotten angry. Instead, he consoled himself on the fact that Mosshead was clearly headed the wrong way.
4.
After Whole Cake, Sanji felt like a new man. He was finally comfortable in his own skin in a way he never was. On Wano, he sold soba and charmed the locals, and it was some of the happiest times he could remember outside of being with his crew.
Then the battle came. It was grueling and heart wrenching in the worst ways, but he was proud of what he was able to contribute.
He also saw Zoro reject death in order to keep fighting for their captain, and Sanji wasn’t sure how to process that information. If their relationship was any different, if talking to Mosshead didn’t feel like trying to wring water from a rock, he might try confronting the man.
Why did he fight so hard, harder than any of them? They all would go to the end of the world to help Luffy achieve his goals, but Zoro’s devotion was… fanatical. It honestly scared Sanji this time. Why abandon his own dreams again and again for Luffy if he wasn’t in love?
Or was he? But if he was, how could he stay so calm while watching Luffy being pursued by others?
He couldn’t understand any of it. So he did what he could do, which was prep and cook and entertain. He fed his captain’s body the nutrients it needed to heal. He fed the starved masses their first good meal in nearly a decade.
Sanji understood now — there was so much he had to offer to the crew and the people they encountered. This was his purpose. This was what he was made for.
Sitting in a ring, surrounded by worshippers (because that’s what they were now), was Monkey D. Luffy. He seemed his usual self, maybe even more uninhibited than usual due to the liquor he had consumed. Luffy was never one for alcohol, since he preferred to keep his mouth busy with food rather than drink, and during recovery, Chopper was on his case about abstaining. But today was different, and Sanji knew Luffy could feel it.
Beyond their triumph over not one but two Emperors of the sea, beyond the liberation of a nation enslaved by fear and violence, rumors of Luffy’s transformation were spreading like a tidal wave. Even as people drank to his good health and laughed by his side, Sanji could see their eyes shine with unspeakable fervor. He couldn’t be sure yet what this meant for Luffy or for their crew, but a change was coming. He hoped they were ready for it.
Speaking of change, Sanji was pleasantly surprised to see five Supernovas sitting together without bickering for once. Zoro and Killer were particularly getting along like fire, and they were mostly successful at goading Law into drinking with them while Bepo cheered his captain on from the sideline. What surprised him the most was Kid, who was snarling at Luffy for reasons only he could understand, but he stayed in the circle nonetheless, an ally and maybe even a friend. Meanwhile, Luffy just kept laughing louder and louder, undeterred by Kid’s grumpiness.
The festival banquet continued far longer than their usual fares. Pretty much all of the townspeople had left, and most of the pirates had fallen asleep where they sat. When all the meat had been made, Sanji extinguished his grill and took a well-deserved cigarette break by a passed out Momo. He knew he would be welcomed into the fold if he went over to Luffy’s side, but at the moment, it was only the three captains who were still awake. Sanji didn’t want to interrupt.
Mosshead had passed out, too, with one bandaged arm curled around a tankard of Wano sake, his left foot barely touching Luffy’s right knee. Killer fell asleep spread-eagle next to Zoro, also within touching distance from his own captain. When Kid had enough of Luffy’s “nonsense,” he simply threw himself backward and used Killer’ shin as a pillow.
Law was still going, somehow. To be fair, he also drank much slower than anyone else. Without Kid to stir the pot, it was a lot quieter between him and Luffy. Even though Sanji wasn’t sure what exactly happened between them on Dressrosa, having missed that particular party, he could see Luffy and Law had reached some kind of milestone. Law now understood Luffy on a level previously only achieved by Luffy’s crew and family, and Luffy was content to let silence lie between them, which meant he was truly comfortable with the Heart captain’s presence.
Of course, Trafalgar I’m-too-fucking-cool-to-care Law had to go ahead and ruin it all.
“I’m leaving soon,” he said without preamble.
Luffy nodded. “I figured. But you’re welcome to come with us if you want. You’ll have to join my crew though.”
Law scoffed. “Not a chance in hell.”
Luffy laughed. “Well, it’s been fun. Let’s do this again.”
“This? You mean a months-long suicide mission to take down two Emperors? Of course you’d think this was fun.”
“What? You mean you didn’t have even a tiny bit of fun?”
Law took a long swig from his cup. His silence said it all, and Luffy laughed even louder.
“See? So much fun,” Luffy added. “Thanks, Law. For inviting me to —”
Luffy didn’t get to finish his sentence — a rarity in itself — because Law had grabbed him by the neck and kissed him.
Sanji’s cigarette fell out of his mouth, still lit, and nearly set his yukata on fire.
With his eyes firmly shut, Law held the kiss for one, two, three seconds. He couldn’t see Luffy staring back at him, inscrutable and calm. After Law pulled away, he didn’t let go of Luffy’s neck, nor did he look up. When Luffy said nothing for far too long, Law sighed deeply and simply murmured, “Straw Hat. Thank you.”
Luffy laughed then. It was a quiet chuckle of his most timid “shi-shi-shi.” He pulled Law into his arms and let the older man burrow his nose into his neck, and they stayed like that and fell asleep like that, falling sideways in a dogpile with the others.
Just when Sanji had collected himself from that shocking sight, Zoro opened his eye, got up, took off his robe, and covered Luffy and Law with it. There was a fond smile on his scarred face. And Sanji couldn’t take it anymore.
5.
There really wasn’t anything in particular that led to “The Conversation,” other than the fact it had been plaguing Sanji’s mind for more than two years at this point.
He was barbecuing on the foredeck, taking advantage of the mild weather for the first leg of their trip after leaving Wano. Franky was demonstrating a new invention to the crew below deck, and aside from Jinbei up in the crowsnest, there was only the Mosshead around, snoring like he didn’t have a care in the world.
As Sanji grilled the giant shrimp and the chicken and the veggie skewers and the squid legs and was running dangerously low on things to grill, all he could think about was the long good-bye hug Luffy gave Law in front of everybody when they departed Wano, as well as the way Law closed his eyes and hugged Luffy back without a word.
Finally, like the very mature adult he was, Sanji chucked his cigarette at Zoro and grinned triumphantly when Zoro’s stomach warmer caught fire.
When Zoro finally put the fire out, he was incensed. “What the hell, cook?!”
Sanji didn’t feel like talking all of a sudden. But he also had nothing left to grill.
“Maybe I can grill your face,” he pondered out loud.
“Again: What. The. Hell.”
Sandai Kitetsu was out and hungry for blood. Sanji supposed he should be grateful he wasn’t staring down Enma’s edge.
He lit another cigarette and pointed a spatula accusatorily at Mosshead. “What’s going on with you and Luffy?”
“What?”
“Are you still… you know, together?”
“Yes, of course! Is that what’s pissing you off? What? You jealous or something?”
Sanji wished he had something more explosive to throw. “Then what the crap have you been doing? With… with the proposals and the hugging. And the flirting!”
Zoro put Sandai Kitetsu away. His anger had dissipated into drowsy confusion. “Are you ill or something? I’ve never proposed to Luffy. I also don’t flirt with him in front of people.”
Sanji chose to ignore the implication that he did in fact flirt with their captain in private. “No, I mean the others! The… the…”
“Fuck’s sake, take a deep breath. Did you see a naked chick, faint, and hit your head again?”
“The pink haired guy!” Sanji finally found something to grab onto. “The marine with the pink hair who was batting his eyes at Luffy in Water Seven! You did nothing!”
“Koby?” Zoro frowned. “Koby’s had a crush on Luffy since before I even met him. What am I supposed to do about that?”
Having finally been asked this question, Sanji suddenly realized anything he said at the moment would sound absolutely ridiculous. What did he expect Zoro to do?
The storm in his sails died down to a cool breeze. He pivoted. “What about the proposals from Boa Hancock and Fukaboshi. You did nothing then either.”
Zoro leaned back against Sunny’s railing and sighed. “Is that what this is about? Calm down. Luffy isn’t gonna run off and get married and abandon us. If you must hear it from someone, then listen: Luffy is never going to leave you."
Zoro looked so confident that he’d hit upon the right pressure point that Sanji wanted to kick him overboard, but the quivering breath of relief he let escape couldn’t be denied. Damn the Mosshead.
He knew Zoro was right, but he still protested, “You can’t know that for sure.”
Zoro shrugged. “No. But if you’re relying on my cock to keep him around, then you have a thoroughly mistaken understanding of Luffy as a person.”
Flinching, Sanji chose to ignore the first part. “Is he… still a person?”
“He’ll always be our Luffy. I don’t care to know more beyond that.”
Sanji rubbed his face. He was simultaneously exhausted and relieved. “It’s… it’s not just that, you know. I genuinely want him to be happy, and, fuck, if it’s with you, then I hope no one…”
“We’re perfectly happy, Cook. Don’t you worry your curly brows off over us.”
“Fine. Fine! But… this whole Law thing.”
That fond smile was back on Zoro’s face. “Yeah… poor guy. He’s got it the worst.”
Sanji will never not be confused about that smile. “He kissed Luffy! And Luffy was clearly receptive!”
The fondness turned wry. “You need to get your eyes checked by Chopper. What part of Luffy was receptive? Law took a gamble and went for it. Good for him. But Luffy loves him like a brother, and the poor fuck will never get over it. He’s a decent guy, though. Hope he feels better about this whole thing when we see him again.”
Sanji sagged. The wind had completely died down, and he was left adrift. “I just don’t get it. Nobody could even tell you’re a couple. Hell, if I hadn’t walked in on you two that time…. I just don’t get how you can share Luffy’s affections like that. It’s like you don’t even care.”
Of all the things he said so far, Sanji didn’t expect this to be the one that set Zoro off.
Wado was in his hand now, and he was inches away from Sanji’s face, looking like he wanted to free Sanji’s head from his body.
“You’re fucking pissing me off, Curly.” Zoro was snarling. His one eye looked as though it was turning red. The wild beast that lay dormant in him awoke for battle.
“Care? How can I afford to care when I have to share him with the world every fucking day? Aside from the measly three days I had him to myself back in East Blue, I’ve had to endure nothing else but sharing him. With Nami, with Chopper, with you. When he was bleeding out fighting Crocodile for Vivi’s sake — that was me sharing. When he declared war on the World Government for Robin — that was me sharing. When he chased your sorry ass to Whole Cake and nearly died — again — that was me sharing. Don’t ever ask me that again. Because you wouldn’t like it if I stopped to think about how it could be if I didn’t have to share him with anyone.”
Sanji gulped. There was a first time for everything, and this would be the first time Sanji genuinely meant it when he said to Zoro, voice small and eyes low, “Sorry…”
That one word deflated Zoro as well. He groaned and stepped back. “You’re too fucking nosy, Cook.”
Sanji shrugged. “Luffy is important to me. For some reason, you’re important to him. Can’t blame me for worrying. You have the most secretive, unorthodox relationship I’ve ever seen. What happens to the crew if you two don’t work out?”
Zoro growled again. “You’ll just have to trust me when I say I will never allow that to happen.”
Sanji didn’t mean to sound cynical, especially after he took two seconds to recall Zoro’s fanatical ferocity. When he looked at Zoro again, a demon stood before him, a demon who would upend hell itself for his captain. This wasn’t a tryst on the high seas or even a love story for the ages. This was nothing less than an immutable law of the physical world.
Sanji knew that was the end of their conversation. There really wasn’t much else for him to say aside from, “I just hope you keep each other happy.”
Zoro scoffed, “Fucking sap.”
“Say that again to my foot!”
And so it began anew — the only way they knew how to communicate. Zoro used the dull side of his blades and Sanji avoided critical organs even as his kicks grew hot enough to melt metal. When the crew came up for dinner, they were both panting from exertion and had built up a decent appetite.
“You guys working out before eating?” Luffy asked with a big, oblivious grin. “Smart!”
Sanji retrieved the food he kept warm in a little portable charcoal oven while Zoro went around righting all the chairs he had knocked down. Sanji let himself look this time — truly look — and he saw Luffy’s eyes trailing after Zoro’s every step, his gaze brimming with stars.
When Zoro was done, he sauntered over to his captain and said loud enough for everyone to hear, “Sorry, Captain. Someone really needs to see this for some reason.” And he took their captain by the shoulders with both hands and kissed him, and it was warm, and it was gentle, and it was adoring. Luffy sighed and swayed, his eyes fluttered shut, and he reached out immediately for Zoro to hold on to.
As the crew fell over themselves at this revelation, Sanji breathed a sigh of relief. All along, he had nothing to worry about.