Chapter Text
"D-Dazai-san..." mutters the albino, trying to figure out what's going on. His mentor wasn't near him when he went looking for Hina, he's completely sure of that because his sense of hearing is extremely sensitive thanks to the tiger and he didn't hear footsteps approaching. On the other hand, the Dazai in front of him looks nothing like the Dazai he knows.
That smile and those eyes so full of life could never be part of the brunette's face, even if to anyone else there was no difference. Atsushi could recognize the real Dazai in all existing realities.
"Atsushi-kun, I've been looking for you."
It's definitely Dazai's voice, but again, there's something about that genuinely animated tone that sends shivers down the younger man's spine. It's as if another person has taken up residence in someone else's body. The detective wonders if this is what the older one would be like if he had lived another kind of life, one free of violence and traumatic experiences. He is certain that this Dazai is part of the illusion, existing only within the fantasy fabricated by a twelve-year-old girl.
He tries to understand how this ability works; it is clear that the target has some involvement as well, because there is no way Hina knew about the brunette, nor how the two of them met. So maybe she channels the dream, but somehow gains access to some specific memory of people and weaves a reality using the memories as a basis. He is definitely inside a version of the river where he saved Dazai from drowning, but there are a lot of things that don't fit, starting with the multicolored stars and that distant festival that no matter how hard he tries to focus with his eyes, it's blurred. As if it were a part of a video game to which the player has no access to. Probably the scenery he is in is a limited space.
"Hello, fake Dazai-san," he greets him with a wistful smile, unafraid of the consequences of calling him that. After all, none of what's happening is real, so he's not afraid of anything. The other arches an eyebrow, and that expression between surprised and amused almost, almost seems like a gesture befitting the real Dazai.
"Where have you been?, the fireworks are about to start" the brunette points to the sky with his index finger, and Atsushi discovers that this Dazai does not wear bandages on his body, a detail that he had overlooked until that moment. His skin looks smooth and completely normal, with no scars or marks.
The boy looks up at the sky longingly, and somehow those unnaturally bright little dots seem beautiful to him.
"Are you aware that none of this is real?" he asks, hoping that this Dazai is at least half as smart and perceptive as the real one. Maybe there is a way to break the illusion, to return to reality. The idea of being trapped in that place with an altered and disturbing version of his superior is terrifying to him, especially since this version seems to fulfill the things Atsushi would like to see in Dazai. Genuine happiness, peacefulness, eyes that don't make him think he's actually miserable. He doesn't even want to think about striking up a conversation with him. It hurts him.
"I know it's not real, Atsushi-kun. She's showing you something that would make you happy" the stranger's smile widens, it glows so bright that Atsushi thinks it might blind him.
"How can I get out of here?" he inquires, looking away. He feels strange, as if he shouldn't even address this ghost. He feels the other move, taking a couple of steps closer to his body.
"The only way is if Hina decides to let you go, but she doesn't know how to control her ability yet" he is too close, he can see the tips of Dazai's feet right in front of his. The blue yukata suits him well, it makes him look careless and free. Great, so this Dazai doesn't know a way out from the inside.
He has two choices: wait for his superior to find them and nullify the girl's ability, or try to find a way to break the illusion himself.
"Dazai-san, I have to get out of here" he informs him, knowing that he is actually speaking to a lie. "Try if you want to, tiger. Maybe you'll find out something" that he tells him with eyes turned half moons, a look that seems to scream I'm proud of you and Atsushi can't stand to be in front of that person for a second longer. He tries to turn his limbs into the tiger's, but he realizes that in that place his ability doesn't work. He tries several times, struggles to establish connection with Byakko but to no avail. He has no choice but to run with his own human legs, with his little physical stamina and cramped fingers from the anxiety of being alone with an imitation of Dazai.
He runs and runs and runs.
He runs until his lungs burn and his legs beg for mercy, until his hair sticks to his forehead from sweat, until he feels he has moved several kilometers away from the other. At some point he has closed his eyes, letting the night breeze hit his face hard.
When he opens them again, he realizes that he has returned to the exact same place he was trying to escape from. How is that possible, if he was running in a straight line?
"You sure know how to run, Atsushi-kun" laughs Dazai, still standing right where he had left him. Atsushi's breathing is so erratic that it takes him several minutes to be able to articulate a response.
"It's not possible..." the only thing he manages to say.
"This world is very small, and when you try to go beyond what you see here, you go back to the beginning" his companion explains to him, and Atsushi feels panic about to take over his person. There has to be a way, he can't spend too much time there or he's going to go mad as hell.
"No, no. There must... there must be a way, I have to..." he is determined to try to run faster, get farther, but Dazai grabs him by the forearm before he can break into another run. His touch feels too warm, too real, and it scares him more than words can express.
"Atsushi-kun, it's useless."
"Let me try one more time"
"Stay with me."
That echoes in his head a thousand times. In Dazai's voice, a kind of longing can be perceived, something painful that the albino is very familiar with. Stay with me is what he himself has wanted to tell the brunette on countless occasions, every time he sees him leave the office very early and knows that he is about to disappear for days or weeks without saying anything about it. Stay with me is a phrase that carries so much weight for him that he could be crushed under the weight of those words. No one has ever stayed with him, no one has ever asked him to stay, either. Even if this is an illusion, he finds himself unable to refuse that desperate request. He knows that this Dazai could be a projection of himself, the idea kills him.
"It's starting already" Dazai whispers, tugging him along until the two of them fall down sitting on the cool, wet grass, side by side, so close that if Atsushi were to sharpen his hearing he could hear the beating of the other's heart. He looks at the brunette's cheerful face for a moment, then decides to turn his gaze to where the other is watching.
Fireworks.
Hundreds of them, bright, huge, lighting up the sky with particles of all colors and sizes. They are the most mind-blowing fireworks he has ever seen. His lips part in a gesture of complete awe, because he didn't expect the spectacle the fake Dazai was talking about to be so incredible.
The moment stretches on for a long time, and at some point Atsushi is no longer looking at the sky, but at the major's face.
Fireworks light up his cheeks and reflect in his eyes, and Dazai looks so serene, so content, so... so beautiful that it steals his breath away. He can't look away even when the other's gaze leaves the sky to meet his own. His heart beats wildly, he can't move, he freezes.
His chest hurts, it hurts so much that he would like to burst into tears.
"Atsushi" his name comes from those unhonorific lips, so intimately that it even sounds forbidden. He doesn't answer, by now his insides are so mortified that he has to focus on continuing to pull air into his lungs.
"How long are you going to keep hiding your feelings?" the taller one asks him, and those words feel like a punch in the ribs. How long?, until he believes the lie that he's not in love, or until those feelings kill him. He can't accept them, he must not for his sake and for the sake of his relationship with Dazai.
"My feelings are irrelevant, Dazai-san. I promise I'll forget them" he doubts very much he can do that, at least not in the near future, and it doesn't matter what he says anyway because, he reminds himself, this Dazai isn't the real one. But he can get this off his chest, right?, he can pretend to say this to his face and maybe that will help lessen the pain, which is becoming so hard to bear.
"Irrelevant, even if they're killing you?" wish the illusion would end soon, wish his superior would find him at that very moment, or... wish the illusion would go on forever.
Dazai seemed to have all the love in the world in that pair of brown eyes. It all feels so strange, so wrong but so comforting. Their thighs subtly brush against each other, Atsushi still enraptured and unable to say anything back to the older one, and during that singular instant that keeps stretching like elastic the ex-mafioso holds the younger one's face in his hands. The contact of his cheeks with Dazai's cold palms sends an electric current through his whole body, and it really feels wrong, profane. The Dazai of his world would never do something like that, he is absolutely certain.
"You know you can't run away from yourself," the brunette whispers to him as his face begins to draw closer, slowly, torturously. The night breeze ruffles his hair, the fireworks haven't stopped lighting up the sky for an instant.
His heart is going to burst, or he's going to die of a heart attack. There is no way a human being can bear to have a heartbeat that fast, thinks the albino while the man who steals his sighs continues to narrow the distance that separates them, until their noses touch and the detective breathes the hot breath of the other. His fingers are tingling, could that be a sign that he is having a heart attack?
"You're not real, Dazai-san. You would never look at me like this, you would never hold me like this" he whispers, as thousands of invisible needles pierce his skin. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
Somebody help him, please.
"It's true, Atsushi. I could never love you the way you want," and as the boy's heart bleeds, the Dazai's lips end up landing on his. It was inevitable, Atsushi was too preoccupied trying to stop the bleeding to be able to react in time.
It is a warm, gentle kiss, just an ephemeral brush of lips that is enough to finally make the tears he has been trying to avoid slide in droves down his face. He does not reciprocate the kiss, nor does he reject it. Instead, he closes his eyes and imagines if a kiss from Dazai will feel like this; like flying through the air and getting burned by the sun's rays.
The fake Dazai's hands move a little, just enough so that the older man can wipe his tears away with his thumbs, but it's no use. Atsushi won't stop crying, no matter how many times he tries to wipe his face. He's falling apart, and he feels stupid and weak -it's just a fantasy created by a little girl-, what would his colleagues at the Agency think if they found out he was indulging in such sappy and inconvenient feelings?
They would be disappointed, especially Dazai. He would be disgusted, for sure.
He can't take it anymore, and not knowing what else to do he clings tightly to that ghost, to that man who still continues to kiss him tenderly. Screw it all, he can no longer resist.
No one will know what happened in that isolated world, no one is going to find out how sad Atsushi Nakajima's life is and how pathetic he can be. Dazai's lips pull away from his, the albino feels like his mouth is on fire. His skin burns everywhere the brunette has touched him.
And he really doesn't mind getting burned, doesn't mind feeling even more pain as he hugs the taller one as if this is the anchor that keeps him safe from getting lost in the storm.
"I'm so sorry, Dazai-san. I'm really sorry, forgive me for... for feeling this way" his voice is a plea, he is begging the nothingness to forgive him, to atone for his sins.
Thick tears cause the fireworks to become mere shimmering blurs. Dazai does not answer him, yet his bandage-stripped arms entangle and comfort him.
Atsushi burns in his arms.
"Atsushi-kun!... Atsushi-kun, wake up!"
Atsushi's sunset eyes slowly open, and the first thing he sees is his mentor's slightly worried face. He examines him closely; his eyes seem dull, his neck is covered by bandages, and he is wearing his usual clothes. It is the real Dazai. The boy tries to stand up, but he's so dizzy that he has to lie down again immediately. It is then that he discovers that his face is soaked with tears.
"Are you okay, Atsushi-kun?" asks Dazai in a condescending tone.
No, he is not okay and wants to go home. He wants to crawl into the small closet and sleep until everything there is nothing more than a blurred memory. But he can't do that, there's something important he's forgetting.
"Where is Hina?" again he tries to sit up, and this time he succeeds. He looks around, they are no longer in the old building but on the street, the stars now have their usual silvery glow, and all around there is nothing but houses and lamps of yellowish light. Everything is back to normal, except for the huge invisible wound on his chest. "Come closer" Dazai is not saying it to him, but to some other person behind him. A small, petite figure emerges from between the buildings. It's Hina, her blue ruffled dress a mess, her nose dirty and her eyes red-rimmed. She appears to have been crying.
Although her legs are shaking, she approaches them with short, unsteady steps. Atsushi's expression softens, and he tries to smile at her as kindly as he can.
"I-I... I'm so sorry I hurt you I-I hurt you," the girl tells him in a trembling voice, as she fiddles with the edge of her skirt. "I didn't mean to, I never meant to hurt anyone."
The albino kneels down in front of her, looks her in the eyes and shakes his head. "You didn't hurt me, Hina-chan. It's not your fault you have this ability" he wants to make it clear to her, to make her understand that she's not a monster and that she doesn't deserve everything that happened to her. The girl's eyes widen, as if it's the first time someone says something like that to her.
"You are a very brave little girl."
Hina is crying, her hands clutching the fabric of her dress so tightly that her knuckles turn white. The detective sees himself reflected in her, remembers that he too used to cry inconsolably and there was never anyone to hold him.
But Hina doesn't have to be alone, not as long as he can hold her.
And so he does, he holds her tenderly in his arms and promises her that everything will be all right, that he will make sure that she does not return to that facility and that she will not spend her days locked up again. It is a promise he does not intend to break.
Dazai observes everything from a safe distance, enough not to interrupt such an emotional and important moment for Hina and Atsushi. When he arrived at the building he found Atsushi collapsed on the floor. He seemed to be having a very sad dream, because tears kept flowing from his closed eyes. It had been necessary to wear earplugs to avoid being trapped in an illusion as well, after that he talked for a few minutes with Hina and convinced her to take his hand to nullify his ability and bring Atsushi out of the trance.
Despite doing that, the albino had remained unconscious for a couple of hours more, and the brunette was starting to really worry as he contemplated those features full of a pain he couldn't understand.
He was about to call Kunikida when the boy woke up, and the rest is history.
What did Atsushi see in Hina's illusion?, Dazai is really curious, and he's dying to ask him, but something tells him it's better to leave the subject alone. For the time being.
He just looks at it in detail. The artificial street lights illuminate his body, bathing him in a golden halo that somehow seems to suit him. His white hair reminds him of snow, his big, bright eyes remind him of the autumn sky, and his rosy cheeks remind him of spring. Atsushi is like a painting of all the seasons of the year.
He is a good person who has been through some really bad situations, doesn't know how to control his emotions and is often so impulsive that Dazai is sure that, if it weren't for his ability, he would have died a long time ago.
He usually doesn't like people like Atsushi, they remind him of everything he is not, everything he can never be.
But Atsushi is different. It has been hard for him to admit it, to come to terms with it. He was sure he couldn't fall in love with anyone until a certain strange orphan with a hero complex fished him out of the river where he was trying to end his existence. Before Atsushi, the brunette was convinced that the world was a dull place and that, having already experienced both the bright side and the dark side, he had no reason left to stay in it. There was nothing and no one who had managed to make him feel anything beyond the immense emptiness he had carried inside him for as long as he could remember.
Until the albino crossed his path and everything began to get out of hand. Atsushi had told him without hesitation that he considered him a good person. Oh, he had been so bewildered at those words!. At first it was just curiosity. He just wanted to understand what the boy saw in him to say such a barbaric thing so confidently. Teasing him was fun, the boy was (and is) like an open book, but that didn't make him boring. Every little thing he discovered about him made him more interested in watching him closely. He should have predicted that something like this might happen, but he didn't realize it until it was too late. Until he discovered himself watching him for longer times, until he had to fight the urge to kiss him.
Dazai wants to make sure that no more bad things happen to him, that he stays alive, that he keeps bringing beams of hope into people's lives, just as he is doing at that moment.
His hands itch, he desperately wants to take Atsushi in his arms and feel his warmth, to receive some of that light himself. He feels a slight pang in his chest at the thought of how inconvenient his feelings for the tiger-boy have become. Falling in love with his subordinate was not part of his plans, and Osamu Dazai dislikes not being in control of the situation. Perhaps the most sensible thing to do is to tell Atsushi and receive his rejection, that way he can surely move on and go back to being the Dazai he's always been. He's never been in love before, so he's not sure about that.
Maybe someday he will, maybe someday he'll get fed up with that nagging longing and end up screaming his grotesque feelings in his face. He imagines how Atsushi will react, and thinks he's not ready for his rejection yet.
Someday.