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Atsushi Nakajima couldn’t understand how he had lucked out like this, what felt like yesterday he had been in an orphanage, he was considered worthless by everyone around him and had no place. Yet he had been so lucky, the Armed Detective Agency had taken him in, there’s friends and people who care, a place to sleep and rest without the fear of being harmed. He finally belonged somewhere…and with someone. Jun'ichirō Tanizaki.
Tanizaki had been a shining sun in his life, as corny as those sayings are, Atsushi believed them, he truly believed that he had been saved by his dear of a boyfriend.. The feeling was mutual, Tanizaki himself had felt that Atsushi coming into his life had been a blessing. The two of them could always talk about their feelings, he could share his feelings of imposter syndrome and guilt when it came to his Dysphoria without feeling judged.
Truthfully, he found it adorable when Atsushi panicked and would hug him in an attempt to cheer him up or offer to do something to take his mind off of the thoughts. Of course whenever Atsushi would feel down about himself or would struggle with his PTSD, his boyfriend was there to help him through it.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽ ☆ ☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
It had been such a peaceful day, why had everything gone wrong? They had been walking through a park together after work, everything was perfect, with the autumn breeze blowing by and the warm drink in his hand..Atsushi didn’t even know what had triggered him, he was just walking alongside his boyfriend.
One moment he was fine and the next he felt a looming sense of dread as his hair stood up on end, he felt his chest tighten from anxiety, like he was expecting something. He could swear he was back in the orphanage, someone’s hands around him as they attempted to hurt him. He could practically feel and hear everything as though he was living it over again..his breathing felt erratic when a different voice from them all rang through.
“It’s okay! You’re okay darling, just listen to my voice..you’re safe..you’re safe with me”. The words were calm, a soft tone of voice rather than the loud vulgar ones he remembers hearing.. He blinked his eyes and saw a blurry Tanizaki gently holding him, speaking in a calming tone of voice.
“Atsushi, hun..take a deep breath..can you name a few things that you see around you?” Atsushi blinked a few times as he tried to get his eyes to focus, leaning into the gentle embrace of his partner which overtook the feelings of being grabbed harshly..
"You-...I see you.” his voice came out low and shaky, it resounded the fear he had running through his mind and down his spine. He took a small breath and just sat there with Tanizaki as he listened to his calming words before looking around at their surroundings.
“There's-.. There’s trees, the leaves are yellow and orange.. Um..kinda green grass- um..the drink I was holding spilled...sorry..the sun is setting..um-” his voice trailed off as he looked up, a small nervous smile forming on his face as he met eyes with his boyfriend, “I see hazel eyes, really pretty ones too.” This caused a small smile to form on Tanizaki’s face as he gently ran his hand through Atsushi’s hair, a gentle expression of love and care that he often did to help ease the other’s anxiety.
“Good, it’s good you’re seeing all of that, are you feeling a little better now?” Atsushi nodded his head in response, however he would frown to himself as he looked down at the spilled drink and apologize moments later.
“I’m sorry…I- I don’t know why I panicked, now everything is ruined and-” and he was cut off before he could say anything more, Tanizaki gently held his face and looked him in the eyes. “Nothing is ruined, you have struggled in your life and sometimes things happen, it’s okay dear. May I ask what you were feeling in particular? Maybe we could try to understand the trigger so this doesn’t happen again, alright?”
Atsushi listened to his words and nodded, hiding his face in the crook of Tanizaki’s neck as he thought back to what they were doing. “We were walking..I saw a leaf blow by in the wind..everything was fine until I felt like I was grabbed…I thought it was them” When Tanizaki heard this he let out a breath before replying back,
“Alright, I think I understand what happened. While we were walking I wanted to move closer to you so I placed my hand on your shoulder and gently pulled you towards me, I think you weren’t aware I was going to do that so it caused you to jump, that was my bad.”
Atsushi seemed conflicted about this as he heard what had happened, he lifted his head to think about it. On one hand he was glad it was simply his partner wanting to get close to him, but on the other hand..why had he been so quick to panic?
“I don’t understand why that’s the trigger, we touch and stay close to each other all the time and- and I’ve been on cases where I’ve been forced aside and even thrown! What..why did this-”
He could barely pinpoint the amount of emotions he was feeling when Tanizaki once more pulled him out of his spiral with his gentle voice and actions as he pushed some hair out of Atsushi’s face, “Atsushi, I can’t really give an answer to that as I’m not an expert..but I’m here to help as much as possible. The good news is that you’re okay, you’re safe, and you’re present in this moment..if the sudden touch was an issue I can ask before hand to see if that works”
Atsushi just nodded and smiled slightly as he tried to think more positively about this. Tanizaki glanced behind Atsushi before smiling as well and speaking once more in a soft tone, “Turn Around, look” When Atsushi did turn around his eyes widened slightly when he saw the sunset through the park trees. While Yokohama often had beautiful skies, this one seemed particularly beautiful as the sky was doused and painted in colors of orange, yellow, pink, even a small dash of purple seemed to be there as the blue of the day surrendered to the dark hue of the night.
“Those colors remind me of you. Your eyes are that pretty purple and yellow, kinda like this sky..and you’re so kind, I’d say these colors represent you and the range of things about you that I love” Tanizaki whispered gently as the two of them watched the sky in peace, the breeze gently blowing through causing a chill to run through their skin. “C’mon dear, let’s head back to the Agency, I’ll buy you a warm drink at the cafe.”
He smiled down at his partner and held out his hand, Atsushi looked at his hand and then smiled at him as he took his hand, sniffling slightly. “Are you okay?” Atsushi laughed slightly at the question, he could hear the genuine worry and care held towards him. “I’m okay, just feeling a lot of emotions..I’d really like to go to the cafe with you”
Tanizaki nodded and the two of them began walking back towards the agency and cafe, the pink and orange sky illuminating their journey as they smiled.