Chapter Text
Baby
Baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you’d always be mine
Justin Bieber, Baby
She calls me baby. It’s patently absurd - I’m three decades older than she is and hardly someone for whom the moniker fits. But I secretly love it. I’m someone’s baby - hers, most importantly. I truly never thought it was possible, not until she and I had been traveling together for years.
Wily as they were, I suppose I should thank Dusk - Yu, rather - for all of it coming about. The rest of Bells Hells all say it would have happened eventually, and they’re probably right, but I don’t mind giving Yu the credit.
The day after Yu, in the guise of Dusk, asked me on a date, Imogen and I found ourselves taking watch together. After a few minutes of sitting quietly in the dark together, she spoke into my mind.
Can we go back to our conversation from last night? I wanted to undo something I said.
My heart, such as it is, leapt at her renewing our mental connection. I had missed it so very much during our estrangement. My stomach, on the other hand, lurched. Did she want to take back our reunion? Was she still mad at me?
I twisted the snake ring on my finger.
Anything you want, darling , I responded with false confidence.
What she said next was not what I expected.
When you said you hadn’t accessed “that part” of your brain for decades, I didn’t mean to agree with you that it would be weird. It wouldn’t be weird at all.
It - it wouldn’t? I had no idea why this bothered her enough to bring back up.
No, not if it was something you wanted. You’re incredible, Laudna, and if you found someone you wanted to explore that with, they would be one lucky person.
They would? I couldn’t get a grasp on where this conversation was going.
Of course. Don’t let me hold you back from considering that part of yourself, if you want to.
I was baffled. Hold me back? Imogen, you’ve never held me back. Since I’ve met you, you’ve only helped me move forward.
Her voice was so sweet in my mind. I feel the same way about you. I don’t know where I’d be if we hadn’t met.
I reached over and took her hand in the darkness of our room. She seemed so wound up, but I didn’t understand why.
That seemed to reassure her. I heard her exhale, and some of the tension appeared to leave her.
She hesitantly spoke again in my mind.
You really haven’t accessed that part of your brain? Not even a little?
We were side by side, and I turned to look at her. At first, her head was down, but then she lifted it and looked me in the eyes.
I didn’t know what to say. Though her eyes held mine bravely, I saw the corner of her mouth twitch down. I realized suddenly she was trying not to cry.
Why would my lack of interest in romance make her sad?
Oh.
Oh!
I didn’t want to wake the others, but I needed the rest of this conversation to be out loud.
“Imogen?” I moved my hand from her gloved one to her face. “Did you want to know about the parts of my brain - because of the parts of your brain?”
She took a deep breath and let it out.
“Yes.” A brief response, but a definitive one.
There were too many thoughts swirling at once. For once I hoped she couldn’t hear them. I wanted to consult with Pate, but I knew what he’d say. The randy little rat would be all for it. I fought the instinct to pull my hand away and run it through my hair so I could hide. Instead, I moved it back to her hand and gave it what I hoped was a reassuring squeeze.
“Just to be clear, when we talk about ‘those parts’ of our brains, we’re talking about the sexy parts?”
She let out a quiet laugh, and her mouth finally turned up in something of a smile.
“Yes.”
“And we’re talking about you and me? Doing sexy things.”
“Yes.”
My instinct was to downplay what she said, to insist what she felt could only be affection, not attraction. Attraction? To me? It seemed absurd. But she had taken such a risk in bringing this up, in admitting her desire. Our relationship, such as it had been, was already back on track. She really did want me to know how she thought of me. I didn’t need to be inside her mind to be sure.
But what about my mind? Imogen was the best thing to happen to my un-life, of that there was no doubt. I found her beautiful and powerful and loving and terrifying. Did that mean I wanted her? In that way? I admired her. I wanted to be with her always. Her touch grounded me, made me feel safe. Could I imagine a touch of another kind?
While I didn’t doubt the strength of her feelings, my self-doubt crept in when I did indeed attempt to crack open my brain enough to consider the reality of a relationship such as she was intimating.
Somehow the next thing out of my mouth was, “You know all of my bodily fluids are black, right?”
Imogen finally smiled fully. “I was kind of hoping that would be the case.”
I stared at her, utterly flummoxed.
“Don’t you see?” she went on. “I love exactly who you are. Not in spite of those things that others might not see as beautiful, but because of them.”
I had to ask. “Even my form of dread?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Mm hmm.”
Pâté couldn’t hold back any longer. “Ooh, Imogen,” he popped up to comment, “Who knew you were so kinky?”
“Pâté, don’t be so crass!” I admonished him.
Imogen chuckled and patted Pâté on the head. “What I feel for you, the way I want you - it’s real. But I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to, and I don’t want to rush you. Thirty years is a long time to put that part of yourself aside. I don't expect it to come back overnight, if ever. I just needed you to know. I couldn’t bear it if you thought I saw you as unworthy of attraction.”
She was so kind. I admit there was a part of me that wanted to immediately tell her I reciprocated her feelings, just to make her happy. But I could see she wouldn’t want that, which made me love her all the more.
I still felt somewhat awkward in responding. “Thank you. For your honesty and your openness and your patience. This is unexpected but not unwelcome. I promise I won’t make you wait long. For whatever I figure out.”
She lifted her free hand hesitantly, then put it back on her lap next to the one I continued to hold. There were clearly mixed emotions on her face, but I was unable to read them with confidence. Fear? Sadness? Resolution? Hope?
Finally she spoke.
“Baby, you take all the time you need. There’s no rush. We can stay the way we’ve been forever, or we can try something new. I’ll be here either way.”
That small word jolted my heart for the second time that night, this time in a very different way. Suddenly, I could see it. It was just a new layer to what we already had.
I pictured us in our room at Zhudanna’s. As we got ready for bed, there would be no need to avert our eyes under the guise of modesty - we would admire openly. Holding each other as we went to sleep would be augmented with bolder touches and kisses. We would bring each other such pleasure, our minds open, sharing everything.
I didn’t generally have to breathe all that often, but I found myself inhaling deeply, needing oxygen.
“Soon,” I told her, my voice coming out at a higher pitch than usual. “I think I’ll be able to figure it out soon.”
Her face shifted - she smirked just a bit, and her body seemed to relax a little. The pet name seemed to have come out involuntarily, but that didn’t mean she didn’t realize its effect.
We sat in somewhat comfortable silence for a few long minutes. She tried to pull her hand away, but I held onto it. I knew I was supposed to be watching for baddies bothering our little team, but the quiet darkness was a wonderful opportunity to let my mind wander.
And wander it did. I flitted from memory to memory, trying to reconcile this information about dear Imogen’s feelings with our years together.
When had it started? She was so skittish when we met. Was there attraction then, or just relief?
How hard had it been to conceal? All those nights spent together - had I caused her pain in my obliviousness? The thought of hurting her caused me pain.
The thought of someone else hurting her made me want to obliterate them with an Eldritch blast. Obviously, she was my favorite person - was that just a normal part of friendship?
I considered the rest of Bell’s Hells. I certainly wouldn’t want to hurt any of them. But the thought of any of them in pain elicited much less drastic of a response. I had no desire to share a bed with them or hold their hand or brush their hair. Not that you could brush Ashton’s hair anyway. And FCG didn’t have any. Orym’s was too short to brush. I certainly wouldn’t touch Chetney’s. Fearne’s hair was lovely, but not as lovely as Imogen’s beautiful, thick, lavender tresses.
I digressed. Tresses, really? I certainly didn’t wax poetic about any of my other friends. Perhaps that meant something.
But did loving her the most mean I wanted a romantic relationship with her? Or, to be more accurate, a sexual one? How would I know? Would it be cruel to ask her to help me imagine it?
I certainly couldn’t ask her in a room full of our friends, even if they were likely asleep. Orym’s pesky perception meant he’d hear every word if he woke up. And Dusk was over in the corner - I definitely didn’t want them to hear anything.
This was most definitely a private issue, and I longed to truly be alone with Imogen to address it more thoroughly. Even a mental conversation felt wrong with other people around. I sighed, then felt Imogen tense beside me.
“Oh, no, darling, I’m not sighing about you,” I reassured her. “Just wishing we were alone.”
“Really?” she whispered back.
“Yes,” I answered honestly. I was always honest with Imogen. Except when I promised her I wouldn’t hurt her rock. But that wasn’t me. It was Delilah. She ruined everything. Would she ruin Imogen if the nature of our relationship changed? I would never let that happen. Was it too big of a risk?
Oh, dear. I was headed for a spiral. I let go of Imogen’s hand and put both of mine on the sides of my head, pulling on my hair.
“Laudna? Are you okay?” I heard the concern in her voice, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her.
“Yes - no - I don’t know.” I rocked back and forth, trying to shake the thoughts of Delilah invading intimate moments with Imogen.
“What can I do?” she asked softly. “I hope I didn’t overwhelm you by sharing my feelings.”
“No, darling, it’s not that.” I tried to sound reassuring, but it was muffled by the curtain of my hair.
I thought about what would help me calm down. “Can you hold my hands?”
I looked up at her, and the tense expression on her face was replaced by a smile. “I can do that. We don’t want you going bald like I did, do we?”
Imogen gently pulled my hands away from my head and held them, stroking the backs of them with her thumbs.
“What else?” she inquired.
She was so brave. I could be brave, too.
“I - I liked it when you called me ‘baby,’” I confessed in a rush. “Is it okay for me to say that? I don’t want to abuse your feelings when I have so much to think about.”
She squeezed my hands. “Of course it’s okay.”
It rolled off her tongue so easily. The rush was no less delicious the second time around. I think I may have whimpered.
“Is that what you’ve been doing the last five minutes? Thinking? My sweet baby. I’m over here worried about putting too much on you, and you’re worried about me. Can we trust that we’re going to be okay, no matter what? I won’t feel bad about springing this on you, and you won’t feel bad about working through it?”
I nodded. “In that case, maybe when we’re alone sometime, you can tell me what you’ve imagined for us.”
“Laudna!” Though she whispered, I could hear the exclamation point in her voice.
“I didn’t mean it like that. Or maybe I did. I don’t know. I just know it would help me picture what you’re thinking about if you told me more about it. As long as it doesn’t cause you pain to share it.”
“That makes sense. And I think I can handle it. It seems like if we’re serious about this we have to be able to talk about it.”
“Soon,” I insisted. I had an eagerness to move forward.
“Soon,” she agreed.
“Tomorrow morning, we can skip breakfast and stay here while the others go eat. Would that work?”
We completed our watch and woke FCG and Orym for the next round. It had been such a relief to sleep next to Imogen again after our reconciliation the night before. Now there was this new potential for awkwardness but for such a different reason.
Not wanting to alert FCG and Orym to our situation, I’m sure, Imogen checked in mentally.
Are you okay with us sleeping next to each other like usual?
Sleeping apart from Imogen had been, well, its own nightmare of a kind. The thought of losing it again so soon after having regained it was unacceptable.
I’m okay if you’re okay.
I’m very much okay.
Okay.
She laughed, and we got into our bedrolls together. She reached her hand out and held mine, and I fell asleep almost instantly.
**********
The next morning, Imogen said she had a headache, and I said I’d take care of her. The group intended to eat breakfast and then prepare for the Deathwish Run, so we were confident we’d have some uninterrupted time together.
It was only a little awkward as we sat together on the small couch in our room. We were on opposite ends, but our bodies were angled toward each other.
“Where should we start?”
“How about you tell me what got you so worked up last night when you were thinking?” Leave it to Imogen to get right into the heart of things.
I wrung my hands together. “It’s Delilah. I don’t want her anywhere near you, but she’s inside of me. I was honest when I said I hadn’t accessed that part of my brain for decades, but that’s not entirely true for her. Sometimes, when she asserts herself in my mind, it’s clear she’s, well, aroused by something. Usually it was when she was going on and on about her dead vampire husband.”
“Is that how you know all your bodily fluids are black?” Imogen arched an eyebrow.
“Indeed. So it seems I’m physiologically capable of sexual response. But it’s been a vicarious thing up until now. Being caught up in her feelings was unpleasant in a particular way, but it would be infinitely worse if she were able to be part of something between us.”
Imogen paused, a sympathetic look on her face. I could imagine the gears in her head turning, trying to come up with a solution.
“That’s valid. I certainly don’t want her with us, and it would be more of a violation for you than me if she made her presence known when - if - we were together like that. But I hate the thought of you preventing yourself from doing something that could be, if you don’t mind my sayin’ so, quite wonderful, because she might ruin it. She’ll have already ruined it if you never try.”
Imogen was always so brilliant. “That is an excellent point. I will endeavor to accept the risk, as it exists in everything I do.”
“And hey, if she ever popped up in a private moment, we would absolutely stop. No peep shows for her.”
“Thank you for understanding.”
“Are you still okay to keep talking about this? About us and what we could be.”
“I am, darling. You know, if you think about it, in so many ways we’re already like a couple. I think Bells Hells all thought we were when they met us. ‘What the Fuck Is Up with That?’ and all. We’re already living together, sharing a bed, sharing our lives. We’ve been inside each others’ minds. We express our love for one another. I suppose the piece we’re missing is the physical one.”
“I know not everyone wants that, and that’s okay. If you decide it’s not for you, I wouldn’t stop wanting all those other things we have.”
“But you do want ‘that’? With me?”
Imogen smiled. “Very much so.”
This was all still so fascinating to me. “And you’ve thought about it. Being physical - sexual - with me.”
Imogen blushed. “I have. I hope that’s okay. I didn’t mean to be inappropriate. I promise I never took advantage of our closeness.”
“It’s quite all right. Really, I’m flattered. I’m still making sense of the fact that anyone, let alone you, thinks of me this way.”
“Dusk sure seemed to,” Imogen muttered.
My eyes narrowed a bit. “Is that why you told me now - because of Dusk? Were you jealous? If Dusk hadn’t asked me out, would you have said anything?”
Imogen sighed. “That’s a valid question. I think I took for granted I would always be your person, that even if we weren’t a romantic couple we were a partnership. I’m not surprised someone else saw you the way I do. You’re incredible. I won’t deny Dusk asking you out made me realize I could lose you without you ever knowing how I really felt. And if you wanted to be with Dusk, I would totally support you.”
“But you would be sad?”
“Very, very sad for me. But happy for you. You deserve everything you want.”
I didn’t know yet what I was capable of feeling, but I knew if I could have those sorts of feelings they could only be for her. She was so kind, so genuine, so pure. But I couldn’t help but tease a little, now that we had gotten the heavy things out of the way. “So we’ve established you have the hots for me, and our next step is to figure out if I have the hots for you, yes?”
Imogen laughed, which I took as a good sign. I was trying so hard not to be insensitive. I may not - at that time - have understood what it felt like to want someone like that, but I could imagine it would be hard to be around them and not have them.
“That sounds about right.” She gave me a sweet smile. “Now, how did you want to go about figuring that out, baby?”
I grinned in response. “I see you’re not above stacking the deck in your favor.”
“Just building on what we’ve already figured out.”
“Very wise.” I adjusted my legs underneath me, turning to face her more fully. “This is fun. It feels like we’re flirting. Are we flirting? That bodes well, doesn’t it?”
Imogen laughed again. “It does feel like we’re flirtin’ a bit, doesn’t it. And it’s not awkward at all.”
“Were you worried it would be?”
“If I was, it was only because it’s so new to both of us, not because we’re not people worthy of flirting with.”
I turned my attention back to the task at hand. “Let’s see, how to do this? Would you be willing to tell me how you knew how you felt about me? Then I could compare and see if I experienced something similar.”
Her eyes twinkled. “I can do that. From the day we met, I was drawn to you in a way I had never been to anyone else.”
“And your kindness drew me to you. No one had approached me without fear since my death. You’ve said my thoughts were like music, a respite from the cacophony of everyone else’s painful intrusive invasions. Perhaps it was just relief.”
She considered. “Maybe, at first. And you could do magic, and you weren’t afraid of me.” She stopped me before I could interrupt again to posit some other explanation than sexual attraction. “But it wasn’t just that. We’ve met plenty of other magic users in our travels. I’ve never wanted to share my life with them. And Bell’s Hells don’t seem to mind me poking around in their thoughts, but I’m not looking to join their cuddle pile.”
I couldn’t help but fish for information “What was it about me, then?”
Imogen sighed somewhat dreamily. “It was everything. Your eyes, the way you move, the coolness of your skin, your sense of humor, the way you still have hope even after everything you’ve been through.” She paused. “Your butt is really cute, too.”
I turned around to look at the body part she referenced. It was functional, no doubt, but I had never considered its ability to attract someone.
I turned back around and took a moment to consider Imogen’s physique. I certainly had no problem acknowledging her objective beauty, but now I thought about what her body meant to me.
Her hair, well, I already got caught up in contemplating its lusciousness. I delighted in brushing it. What would it be like to put down the brush and run my fingers through it? Would she enjoy that?
I shifted my gaze to her face. Her eyes were mesmerizing, and her lips were plump. What would it be like to press mine against hers?
My eyes trailed downward to her chest. I understood this was an area people in a sexual relationship enjoyed touching and being touched. I imagined our hands on each other, then revised it to picture us embracing, no clothing in the way.
Well, now that was interesting. I swallowed and squirmed a little in my seat.
“Laudna? You okay?” Imogen waved her hand in front of my face. I realized I hadn’t said a word since she complimented my derriere.
“Yes, quite.”
“You were staring.”
“I was.”
She tossed her hair over her shoulder in an exaggerated motion. “So, did you like what you see?”
“Very much.” I tried to keep the flirtation going, but I believe some of my earnestness crept through.
“How’s all of this for you? Should we slow down or stop? We don’t have to figure everything out today.”
Her consideration was appreciated. But I had spent thirty years putting this part of myself aside. What was there to wait for? Especially with our current lifestyle, there was no guarantee when we’d be alone again.
“I want to keep going.”
“What does that mean to you?”
“I think - I think I can see it in my mind’s eye. You and me, together. And now I’m curious what it would actually feel like.”
Imogen’s eyes widened slightly. “That’s some progress we’ve made since last night.”
“I’m a quick study.” I grinned. “And it’s not like we’re going to jump straight to the culmination of physical intimacy, right? There are lots of stops along the way, and we can take our time.”
“That’s absolutely right. Baby steps.” She winked at me.
I snorted. “‘Baby’ steps. I see what you did there. You’re too funny.” I composed myself and leaned forward slightly. “So what should we do now to test things out? Should I kiss you?”
There was a moment of total silence, Imogen frozen in place. She seemed to shake herself out of something, relaxing her posture. She tapped her fingers together, clearly thinking. “See, you’d think that would be the logical next step. And it pains me to say no because I’ve wanted to kiss you for ever so long, and I might be missin’ my chance. But I have another idea for us. We’ve kissed on the cheek enough times that maybe a kiss on the lips would feel too similar, so I want to try something to make sure things feel different this time.
“Different, you say? I’m intrigued.”
She moved, coming over to my side of the couch, and there she was in my lap, her knees on either side of my hips and her hands on my shoulders.
“Is this okay?” she asked, looking down at me. “I’m not crushing your legs or anything?”
I pulled my eyes away from her chest, which was right in front of my face. My goodness. Had her eyes always been that bright? “Of course not, darling. Carry on.”
She removed her gloves and then used one finger to push my hair behind my ear. Slowly, she moved her face next to mine. Her mouth was next to my ear, and I could feel her breath. It was a new sensation, a pleasant one.
“Oh, I know! You’re going to whisper sexy things in my ear, aren’t you?”
“Clever girl.” The vibrations were delightful. “I’m going to do more than that, though.” Somehow my earlobe was in her mouth. I could feel her lips and tongue and teeth. It was unlike any sensation in all my time on Exandria.
I shivered.
She had one hand on my cheek and the other on the side of my neck. They were so warm.
“Laudna, I have always found you so beautiful.” Her lips touched my ear as she spoke. “I hope this isn’t weird. I don’t mean to get all brazen or act like someone else, bein’ all over you like this. This is all me, just everything I’ve held back.”
I couldn’t help but angle my ear to get as close to her mouth as possible. “You can say whatever you want. Please keep going.”
So she did, quietly sharing memories from our travels in which she felt attraction to me. All the while she kept her mouth close to the bottom of my ear, politely avoiding the mangled top. Maybe someday I would let her touch me there, but I had a feeling that would require more discussions of Delilah, and I didn’t want her invading this precious moment.
Sooner than I would have liked, Imogen pulled away, and I thought I would die for real. Thankfully, she just switched to the other side. “I think about touching you, about you touching me. I imagine how good it would feel,” she murmured.
“Yes, very good,” I encouraged her.
She moved her lips to my neck, and I thought she had shocked me with a bolt of lightning. My hands instinctively went to the back of her head to hold her in place.
As she sucked gently - too gently - the bolt of lightning seemed to travel further down. My hips jolted forward involuntarily, bumping into Imogen’s.
She gasped and pulled back, her hands still on my shoulders but now holding me at arms’ length.
My hands slid to her cheeks, and I held her in place, our eyes locked.
"I think I need you to kiss me now,” I declared.
I could see her trying to get her breathing under control as she focused on me. “You think? Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I might not be very good at it, but I very much want to try.”
I started to lean forward, but she put her finger on my lips and stopped me. “I don’t mean to kill the mood, but I want to make sure you’re okay. I think it would be easy to get caught up in the moment, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to take advantage of that. Before we do anything else, can we check in? What are you thinking? What are you feeling?”
I considered. “Well, my heart seems to be beating somewhat faster than usual, and the blood in my body seems to be pounding in my ears but also pooling lower down. I have an urge for our bodies to be as close as possible. And you were right - it feels really good to touch like this. It’s so very different than normal. I want to touch you back, to make you feel good as well. Kissing on the lips seems like such a lovely way for both of us to share the same experience.”
She leaned into my hand, her cheek rubbing against my palm. “You’re so thoughtful. One more thing I love about you.”
“This isn’t all about me, though I appreciate the care you’re taking with me. If we are to consider this, it must be an equal partnership.” I hesitated a moment, considering the darkness of my fingertips against the lightness of her cheek. “To that point, I must also check in with you. I know you’ve thought about this, but I don’t want to assume the reality has lived up to your expectations. Do you want to continue down this path, now that we’ve dipped a toe into this new intimacy?”
She held my face in her hands, then traced my eyebrow, my cheek. “It’s been incredible so far. When we kiss I think I might spontaneously combust. I want more if you want more.”
The thought that she might change her mind was surprisingly devastating, especially considering I wasn't completely sure what I wanted.
“I do,” I responded with some measure of relief. I slid my hands down her arms, then grasped her hands where they still touched my face. I held them between us. “May I kiss you now?”
“You may.”
Despite the consent, we both moved slowly toward one another. There was no need to rush. Imogen paused right before our lips touched, perhaps giving me one last chance to back out or just the opportunity to be the one to choose what happened next.
I ever so gently pressed my lips to hers. It wasn’t exactly the fireworks of her kiss to my neck, but it felt right, like home.
Mm, this is nice. I felt the need to give her immediate feedback, then second-guessed myself. Is it weird that I’m still talking to you while we’re doing this?
I could hear a chuckle in my mind. Not to me. I always thought it would be a nice little benefit if things went in this direction. But it’s also okay if we just want to focus on how this feels.
Right, I can focus.
Her lips were very soft, and they pressed against mine over and over - sweetly at first, and then with increasing pressure. I made sure to press back but to not make my lips too firm.
Just as I settled into this delightful new activity, her mouth opened slightly, and her tongue licked my lips.
Is this okay? she asked.
I had a feeling I was going to hear that question many times as we continued to explore. Imogen was always so considerate.
Certainly. Should I do the same thing? I inquired.
If you want to. I think it would feel nice.
It was a little strange at first. Touching someone else’s tongue with my own was a new sensation. But it was Imogen, and I loved being close to Imogen.
My hands went to her back, holding her tightly against me.
It was so intimate, but it didn’t feel strange or uncomfortable at all. I thought I could kiss her all day and never get tired of it.
Then I remembered we didn’t just have to kiss on the lips. I pulled back slightly.
“Did you want to, maybe, kiss my neck again?”
Imogen smiled at me - a blinding, beautiful smile - then moved her mouth where I desired it. The lightning bolts were back. I tried to pull her even closer.
I enjoyed it immensely for a long moment, then had a sudden thought.
“Wait! I shouldn’t be so selfish. Would you like me to kiss your neck? It feels quite wonderful.”
Imogen looked down at me, her chest rising and falling rapidly. It was good to connect with her, to look into her eyes. I wanted to be reminded it was she who was touching me.
“Yeah, baby, that would be nice.”
And so I did. She smelled wonderful, and the skin of her neck was soft in a different way from her lips. I used my tongue a little, and even my teeth.
Listening to the sounds she made - small whimpers it was clear she was trying to contain - gave me a heady feeling of power. I could see how quickly this spark could turn into a blaze, how we could lose control and give ourselves over to these activities. It was harder to think clearly, especially once her nails were scratching my scalp.
I was afraid I’d spiral again if I got caught up in thinking about what might come next. I definitely wasn’t ready for more. I needed time to picture it, to prepare. But I didn’t want to ruin this wonderful moment. How to disengage?
I slowed my kisses, moved them up to her cheek, then placed one soft one on her lips and sat back against the couch.
“You were right - neck kisses are pretty fantastic,” Imogen said with a smile.
“We’re very smart, you and I.”
“That we are.” She shifted back to the seat beside me but tucked her leg under and half faced me.
We didn’t have to be speaking mentally for me to know what she was feeling. Hope for herself, concern for me.
“It’s hard, isn’t it?” I asked. “Wanting something so badly, it being so close, but not being able to have it. I don’t mean to torment you by giving you a taste and then taking it away.”
“Oh, Laudna. There’s no rush, no pressure. I won’t deny I’ve wanted this - to share my feelings with you fully, to kiss you - for a long time. But we’ll be us no matter where we decide to go from here. We’ll figure things out together. It’s not like I’ve got tons of experience. Just a vivid imagination.”
“I love to imagine. I think we should keep doing that together. It would help me decide what I feel ready for as we go forward.”
“Sounds good. That way we’ll make sure we’re a hundred percent okay with whatever we do next.”