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Their heart was pounding. “Are you sure about this?”
“Are you?” He was so kind, even now. They couldn’t imagine having such an open heart. He worried for them, as if it were not himself that were at risk. He was about to ruin his fair hands, and yet he only cares for the hands endangering him.
“Of course.” It was a lie. Camille’s heart was tearing in two, one part crying out at something beautiful being marred, the other fascinated, wanting to keep that kindness close forever. Did it matter if they ruined it? In that moment, it was theirs.
It was thoughts like that that made Camille certain of what they were.
Emannuel smiled, obvlivious to the storm in their head. “Then so am I.”
You put the book down to squeal. Camille and Emannuel are so!! Camille, so convinced they’re a monster, so convinced that Emannuel is the source of all things good...! And Emannuel, who’s felt fake and unsure his whole life, finally getting to feel steady by Camille’s side!!
What a pair they make!
You open the book again.
He placed a hand on Camille’s cheek and kissed them gently, insistently.
It lit a fire inside them. They tugged at Emannuel’s shirt, clumsily undoing buttons, letting one clatter to the floor somewhere to the side.
He pulled away to breathe, then kissed them again, tonguing into their mouth in a way that made them want to jerk.
Am I not supposed to be leading? Camille thought helplessly. They had been ready to guide Emannuel, tell him how to delicately let himself be taken apart. But Emannuel had no reservations. And it seemed he was not intending to be the one who was taken apart, but the one watching each and every breath with curious intensity.
The most shocking thing was that Camille did not mind. They let him duck his head into the crook of their neck and make them shudder.
He didn’t bother taking off their shirt. His hands went lower. They
You put the book down a second time.
You...
Huh. You’re not sure how to feel about that. You love the two of them, you love them together, you wanted to see them get to this point, but...
Well, now that they’re there, it doesn’t feel right. You can’t put your finger on why.
You take a moment to examine the feeling. Does it feel out of character or ham-fisted? No, not at all, you were hoping for this! You feel bored, though, and a little...
Change, there isn’t a word that doesn’t sound incredibly judgmental of the author. And you’re reasonably certain that this is a problem with you , not the author. You’re just being a bit childish.
You try to set the feeling aside. It isn’t reasonable.
You should probably stop reading for a bit, come back later. You’re sure you’ll enjoy it later, you just... need to get out of this weird rut.
For the record, you were right. When you come back to it later that night, you do have a good time! Your cheeks heat at the scene, but it’s a comfortable warmth, now.
It really was just a passing discomfort.
“It’s Mirabelle, right?”
You smile and answer immediately, before you even register who’s asking. “Yes, that’s me! Did you need something?”
You’ve seen her around. She’s taking the same dendrology class that you were just leaving. She’s tall, keeps her hair short, has freckles... She’s not a Housemaiden, just someone taking classes at the House, you think.
“Oh, I guess I just want to get to know you better,” she says. “Do you have time?”
“Oh!! Yeah, okay, sure!” You didn’t know people that brave existed! She can really just walk up to a stranger and tell them that she wants to be friends! That’s neat. And she wants to hang out with you, you’re flattered! “You’re... Um, I’m sorry, I’m blanking on your name...”
“Call me Jules.”
“That’s right!! Thank you!” That’s short for Juliette, you remember now.
You sit together, in the halls between classes. Change, you’re pleased to have a new friend, but how do you actually talk to her? “So, um. Why are you taking dendrology?”
“I’m curious about the forest nearby. Wonder if it needs any caring for, y’know?” She leans back in her chair. “I’d like that sort of work, I think. Tending to the land and such. What about you?”
“Oh, that’s wonderful!! For me, though... I just thought it would be interesting. I don’t know a lot about it, so...”
You talk for a while. It’s a nice conversation! Jules carries it for the most part, and you feel a bit bad about that, but you had a pleasant time anyway. Sometimes the conversation would lull, and Jules would change the subject with a smile.
“Do you have any siblings?” For example.
“I do,” you said, “A younger brother and an older sister.” You don’t have much to say about them, so you just turn the question back on her. “What about you?”
“Yeah, loads of them,” she replies. “I’m the third of seven.”
Seven! That seems like too many.
Or, “Your eyes are a really pretty shade.”
“Aw! Aww!!! Thank you!!” You said. There she goes again, just saying what’s on her mind. You’ve admired people like that too, and you know that people like compliments, but it’s so! Scary!! You don’t want to be weird!!!
But Jules doesn’t seem to have an ounce of shame in her body.
She’s so brave and cool!
Or, “I’ve been reading this book series – The Cursing of Château Castle.”
The two of you end up talking about Lord Joséphandre and Pierre-Jacques-Erneste for quite a really long time. The tumult in their relationship! Pierre-Jacques-Erneste's betrayal to, and then sacrifice for Lord Joséphandre!!
When it gets to be time for your next class, both of you stand. “Do you want to do this again tomorrow?” She asks.
You do! Jules is nice.
Yay!
Whenever your tree class ends, you take some time to chat, now. It’s nice! Friendships require upkeep, you realize, so having scheduled Talk to Jules time almost every day is really nice. And it’s thoughtful of her to start up this tradition!
“It’s really nice to start dating again,” she says out of the blue one day. She has a gentle smile on her face, looking at you with some unidentifiable sparkle in her eyes. Cute!
“Oh?” You lean forward. “Have you met someone?”
Jules... blinks at you. Opens her mouth, then closes it and makes an abortive gesture to you. You blink back.
...
Wait, you? "OH, CRAB...! I'm sorry, did you–? Um, um! Listen, I–No thank you!! No! Sorry!!! Sorry, um, I–"
“Is that not–?”
“No, no! You mean– that's what–?” Get some words out, Mirabelle, please! “I’m sorry!!”
"It's alright," she says automatically. Then she laughs a little, scratching the back of her head. "I'm sorry, too. I didn’t mean to... Here, I'll just go, it's alright. See you later?"
You helplessly stutter out a goodbye. Jules backs off, waves, and leaves you to fidget in peace. You clasp your hands tightly.
She... Wanted to date you. Thought she was dating you. You misread her entirely! Is that why she was so straightforward about wanting to talk to you? People don't make friends by just asking to talk to them, but they do make...
Your gut churns.
So, that was what she wanted. She thought some part of you was attractive. You suppose you should feel flattered.
You feel... embarrassed, of course, but also strangely disappointed. She didn't want to be friends with you after all.
That's it, huh?
No! No, don't think like that, that's unfair to both of you!!
Besides, dating someone and being friends with them are basically the same thing, when you think about it. You talk, you do fun things together! Just because couples are a bit more... Focused on it doesn't mean that it isn't fundamentally the same.
That's why you got confused with Jules!
...But. She left as soon as you cleared up the confusion. Because when she found out you weren't interested, she found out that you're not what she's looking for and she'll drop you as a friend because you weren't supposed to even be friends–
Ugh, still unfair. No, she left to give you the space to recuperate! She's nice like that! Stop!! It's not like she said, "I can't believe you lead me on, goodbye forever," she said, "It's alright, see you later," so!! You're catastrophizing.
There's a lingering tightness in your chest and twitching in your gut. You clench your fists for a long moment, then you release them and waggle your hands loosely from the wrists.
That was embarrassing. And, frankly, scary! You had forgotten that sort of thing existed outside of your novels. The reality of it happening, its potential to happen to you , jumped out at you from nowhere!
Not unlike a monster from one of your novels.
The thought makes you snort. The lurking terror of the night, dreaded by all... Dating.
Not dreaded by all, though. In fact, you'd say that most people are excited by it, you think. But you get easily spooked, especially by social activities. And dating is the most social of them all...
You wish you didn't, though. You want to be braver.
You're a Housemaiden, Mirabelle. You want to Change? Put in the work and Change. Don’t shy away again.
You hope you'll be able to turn Jules' failed courting attempt into a real friendship, too. Repair things with her.
You'll be ready, next time.
You... Don’t repair things with Jules.
You still see her around, sometimes, naturally. She’s in your tree class, after all. You wonder if you should talk to her, tell her that you still want to be friends. But you don’t want to make her uncomfortable! And you know, that if she did want to be friends, then she’s probably faced with the same conundrum that you are, but ten-fold, but... Hah, you still can’t do it!! You’re too nervous!
You haven’t Changed just yet. You’re trying! But you’re not there yet.
You leave her alone, and she leaves you alone.
Lovelock Journal
Monterre
Greetings. I have heard your establishment is held in high regard, and I’d like to request
Your letter stops there.
You’re not sure how to go about this. Is your writing too professional for a dating company? But you want to be pleasant to them! And, what exactly are you requesting, anyway? They have options, they want you to say what you’re looking for so they don’t have to send you every single candidate, but...
...What are you looking for?
No, nevermind, that’s what you’re contacting them to figure out! You don’t need to know that just yet.
You think about Jules. An unhappy pang hits your heart. If you hadn’t panicked, would you have been happy with her? You want to wince at the thought – of course not.
But why not? You liked hanging out with her. She was nice! Dating is not that different from hanging out with someone, really. How do you know you wouldn’t have liked it?
The simple truth is, you don’t know. You’re just nervous. Just letting fear get the better of you again. You shouldn’t be! You have your new medication for a reason!!
You’re trying to Change, you are . And yet it feels like you haven’t made any progress at all!
Mirabelle, you’re doing this.
You lean over your letter, determined to finish it. Conquer your fear! You can do it! You can be a complete person!
I’d like to request...
I’d like to request to be involved in your program. To set up a profile and receive other people’s profiles to go over.
There is a massive package on your bed from the Lovelock Journal. It sets your teeth on edge.
Changing, you’re Changing, you remind yourself. You sit down next to the dreadful package and open it.
Wow, that’s a lot of papers! The first few seem set apart from the rest. A questionnaire, so that they can add you to the profiles that sit in your hands.
You’ll get to that part later. Time to look at the profiles. All of them have beautifully drawn pictures of people alongside answers to simple questions about their lifestyle and expectations.
You take a moment to admire the skill of the artists. It is wonderfully realistic in a way that you couldn’t possibly replicate. Delicately shaded in, likely with preserving Craft over the top of the original copy. You wonder how many duplicates have been made!
...Okay. To work.
You examine one of the profiles. A heavy-set person – ah, man, you read – with kind eyes and a devoted passion for cooking.
You try to picture yourself with him. He seems friendly. Maybe he would let you sit in the kitchen and ramble about a book you’ve read recently while he cooks. What would he think of that? Would you have anything in common?
...No, you just don’t have enough information, do you?
You try another. What a sharp nose they have! And they list quilting under their hobbies, that’s interesting.
“Alois Charlotte Soan.” Can you picture yourself with them?
You imagine going to their house, admiring their quilts. Would they be embarrassed? Quietly prideful? Laugh it off?
Still nothing. How does anyone get enough from these to make a decision? There are hundreds of these crabbing things in here! Hundreds, and it’s still like picking blindly. And the thought of meeting someone with intent to... date them...
You know what? You have some reading to do for your class on Poterian plays. These can wait.
You take them all out of the package and straighten them in your lap, then shove them in a drawer by your bed. You will get to them eventually.
Tomorrow, you fight the King.
Today, you face another foe. One that has been successfully fending you off for even longer than the King has been a threat.
A fight you may not win, but you must try. For honor! For...
A distraction.
You hold your awful dating profiles in your hands. You’ve already put your bags in the clocktower, checked to make sure that you still have the Orbs, said hi to all the familiar faces in Dormont, checked on the Orbs again, prayed at the shrine, brainstormed on how to make tonight special, woke Siffrin up...
You’re very nervous, and you’re running out of places to direct that energy. So.
You already filled out that questionnaire, so all that’s left is to... pick someone.
The hard part.
You stare at the profile in front of you. Set your jaw.
...
The words on the page barely even register. What catches your eye is across the square – Siffrin, glaring up at the Change God’s statue.
He unnerved you, when you woke him up, to be honest. Kept cutting you off. They’re still unnerving you! You watch as someone greets them as they run by, but Siffrin doesn’t even glance in their direction. They just look straight into the Change God’s face with a bizarrely murderous expression. Then he turns and walks directly up to you, and the violence vanishes behind a wide grin. ...Maybe vanishes.
“Oh! Hi, Siffrin,” you start. “You, uh, look...” Furious. Tired. Hunted...? Just kinda bad? “Um, are you okay? Did you have a nightmare during your nap, maybe?”
They ignore your question. “Would you like some help with those papers?” They ask instead.
It’s been a while since the whole... thing, with Siffrin. And the House.
You don’t want to think about Siffrin knowing things about you that you don’t. You want to help him process the – the time loops, of course, but...
You think of some other Mirabelle divulging your secrets, and feel a wince threatening to twist your face. You don’t let it.
You don’t want to think about what Siffrin said to you during their breakdown. You should probably dismiss it entirely, because it was all begot by said breakdown! And yet it sticks. So does what they said after, when they tried to explain themself, before you cut them off.
You don’t need to be with anyone to be happy, after all!
It came out wrong...
You think about the papers in your pocket, in your dorm room.
You think about how you get sometimes. Stories with elements that you usually love will sometimes feel... icky, without warning.
You think about Jules. She had been flirting with you, and you hadn’t noticed. You had gotten nervous – no, uncomfortable when you finally realized.
You think about how Isabeau had been – apparently obviously! – in love with Siffrin, for however long.
That sort of thing just. Isn’t for you. Siffrin knew that. Some other version of you figured it out.
But you must enjoy it! Because you like reading romance novels, don’t you? And you’re not nine crabbing years old. You’re the perfect age for this, you think.
...Ew. You don’t like that thought at all.
But why does this – hurt? What even is the difference between a beloved friend and a beloved ?
Change, didn’t you try to calm yourself with Jules by thinking about how dating and friendship are “basically the same”? Something tells you most people want the distinction. That thought didn’t stick out at the time. It’s painfully obvious now.
You’re... off, in this respect.
It doesn’t feel like a surprise.
It doesn’t feel bad, either.
...Well. Some things feel bad. You don’t like feeling embarrassed, or childish, or that nebulous discomfort.
But the shape of you. The part that you tried to Change with Lovelock. Do you want it to Change?
...
You’re comfortable, in your own heart. You’d rather the world Change around you, to prevent those bad feelings. That feels like a selfish thought, a heretical one, an unreasonable one. But, oh well. You’re allowed the privacy of your own mind.
...
Urgh. You know this stuff would be a great Feelings Buddies talk to have – Siffrin has a way of listening and prodding that lets you get your thoughts in order, with a clear plan of action. But some other Mirabelle apparently had the same idea! And you don’t want to talk it out with someone who already knows all about it!!
So, you have to sort it out yourself. Or go through the mortifying trouble of bringing it up with Isabeau or Odile, who you love dearly but aren’t already initiated Feelings Buddies in the same way.
They both would be good at it, you know. Isabeau is gentle, and he knows your stance on romance in fiction, at least. He would be understanding. It’s just Isabeau. He’s maybe the least intimidating person you’ve ever met, and he’s so – so smart, about people.
And Odile – you don’t know much about her personal life, but if she had a partner, it surely would have come up, right? She knows all about solitude, independency... She’d pick your brain until you both had set everything out straight.
But to bring it up yourself...!
That’s. A problem for future Mirabelle.
You’re strange about romance, and all that comes with it. You can decide what you’re going to do about it later.
The thought echoes through your head – you’re strange, you’re strange, you’re strange – but weirdly, you relax with each iteration. It’s not an explanation. It feels enough like one for you.
It’s comfortable.