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Shuhua dragged Soojin into the older’s room, locking the door behind them.
“I missed you.”
“What do you mean? We were literally together the whole day.”
“I know, but I haven’t had alone time with my JinJin all day!” Shuhua led Soojin to the bed, lied down facing her, and opened her arms to the other girl. With feigned reluctance, Soojin mirrored Shuhua’s position and snaked her arms around her waist. “I had to watch you be all hot and sexy on stage, and I couldn’t do anything about it!”
“Oh? And what would you have done about it?” Soojin prodded.
“Maybe this?” Shuhua leaned in and pecked Soojin’s cheek. “Or this.” A kiss on her jaw. “Or maybe even this.” She crashed her soft lips into Soojin’s, and the latter could swear the contact closed an electric circuit between the two of them, the current running straight to her heart, causing it to skip a few beats before Soojin could react. But as soon as she started to kiss back, Shuhua pulled away, leaving her girlfriend to reflexively chase her lips for a few centimeters before stopping herself. By now, Soojin knew better than that.
It was their dynamic. Shuhua chases. Soojin plays hard to get. Shuhua initiates. Soojin reluctantly reciprocates or just sits there and takes it. At some point in their relationship, it became more than just a dynamic — it was an unspoken rule. The few times Soojin had broken it by merely puckering her lips in Shuhua’s direction, the Taiwanese had recoiled in surprise.
And don’t even get Soojin started on actually touching her girlfriend. At least when it came to anything more romantic than hugging and cuddling. The last time she had tried was at an award show, when the group was seated at their table. Shuhua had done it to her first. She had just reached over and grazed her lithe fingers up Soojin’s back, stopping at her shoulder. The latter had no reaction, as she was used to her girlfriend pulling these kinds of things. Soojin, feeling a little mischievous that day, got the clever idea to give Shuhua a test of her own medicine. And so she ran her hand down the younger’s front, from her neckline, over the curve of her breast, and ending on her lap. Shuhua’s mouth fell open and hands clasped over her heart in shock. For the briefest of moments, Soojin could swear she saw a flash of fear in her wide eyes. And that was what made Soojin swear to herself that she wouldn’t initiate anything physically romantic without the most explicit consent from Shuhua, even if choreography called for it.
Even though Shuhua was the one who pulled away first, she wasn’t done. She went back in, this time, attacking Soojin’s neck. The delicate balance of lips, teeth, and tongue against her skin was dangerous. It sent her to a limbo where self-control didn’t exist and neither did Soojin. The only thing that existed was Shuhua. Shuhua who was sucking on her pulse point. Shuhua who was giggling against her skin as Soojin gasped from the sensation. Shuhua whose bare waist was against Soojin’s hands, as she had unconsciously slid them up Shuhua’s shirt.
“Oh!” Shuhua detached her lips from Soojin’s neck with a surprised expression. The cold air against her saliva-wet skin brought her back from limbo. Only then was she aware of her slip-up of slipping her hands up her girlfriend’s shirt.
“What? You don’t like it?” Soojin teased, removing her hands and putting them down by her sides. This was routine for the two. Anytime Soojin broke their unspoken rule, she would tease Shuhua about it, and they would turn the incident into something like a joke. But this time, behind Soojin’s words were some truth. Recently, she had begun to genuinely wonder why Shuhua never let Soojin make the first move with these kinds of things.
“I like it. I like it a lot.” Shuhua rested her head in the crook of Soojin’s neck.
“Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth.”
“Then why do you jump away all startled every time I try to kiss you? You kiss me . Why can’t I kiss you ?”
Shuhua sat up, but grabbed Soojin’s hand to keep the two connected. A few beats of silence passed, and Soojin almost thought Shuhua wasn’t going to respond. “You… wouldn’t understand.”
“I didn’t understand you either when we first met and you knew not one word of Korean. But we made it work didn’t we? I used the translator, read your facial expressions, decoded the deeper meanings behind your yeses and noes. Even if I don’t understand you right away, you can trust me to learn, can’t you?” Soojin was almost pleading with Shuhua. In their two years of dating and nearly four years of friendship, Soojin was always the first person Shuhua opened up to about… well, anything. It felt extremely foreign knowing that Shuhua was withholding something from her. Had their trust not run as deep as she had thought?
“Promise you won’t be mad at me?”
“When have I ever been mad at you?”
“Ok… I don’t let you touch me like that because… I don’t wanna have sex.”
“…I don’t see why kissing you has to lead to us having sex?”
“My exes, every drama, even my family all seem to think that if you kiss someone, you’ll want to make out with them. And if you make out with them, you’ll want to put your hands all over them. And if you want to put your hands all over them, you’ll want to have sex with them. And if you don’t want to have sex with them, that means you don’t love them. But I do love you. So, so much. So much that I want to kiss you and touch you even though I don’t want to have sex with you. And in all honesty, I want you to kiss and touch me back too, I really do. I’m just scared that you’ll want to take it further, and if you want to take it further, I need to tell you that I don’t want to have sex with you, and-”
“We don’t have to have sex yet.” Soojin put her free hand on Shuhua’s shoulder to cut off her rambling. “I’ll wait as long it takes for you to be ready.”
“No, no, that’s the thing. I’ll never be ready. I just don’t want to have sex, ever . Not with anyone … not even with you, even though you’re the hottest person I’ve ever seen and I love you more than anyone in the whole entire world. I just don’t have those… those desires, and I can’t make myself have them no matter how hard I try.” Tears welled up in Shuhua’s eyes, and she couldn’t bring herself to look at Soojin, even if her tears made her vision too blurry to see her reaction. She settled for fiddling with the sheets instead. “I’m sorry. I can’t be what you need, and I’m sorry.”
Soojin remained silent for a few seconds, trying to process the new information, but she gave Shuhua’s hand a squeeze, not wanting her to send her into a panic by having no reaction at all.
“That’s okay, it doesn’t matter to me. I want to have sex with you, but I don’t need to. Love and sex aren’t the same thing. What I need is your love, and as long as I have it, I’m happy.”
The tears the Taiwanese had been holding back escaped her bloodshot orbs, landing on the bedding with a pitter-patter . “Really?” Her voice was fragile yet hopeful.
“Really.” The older girl scooped Shuhua into her lap and encircled her in her warm embrace. Shuhua pressed her face into Soojin’s shoulder and let out a quiet sob of relief.
“I-I thought- you were g-gonna l-leave me,” she hiccuped into the taller girl’s now wet t-shirt as her girlfriend comfortingly stroked her hair.
“Leave you? No, Shuhua, that would be ridiculous of me. Especially over something as small as that.”
“My exes didn’t think so.”
“Forget them. If they broke up with you because you wouldn’t have sex with them, they didn’t deserve to be in your life in the first place. You’re so much more than your body, and you deserve someone who sees that.”
“Thank you.” Shuhua whispered simply.
She leaned in to capture Soojin’s lips in a sweet kiss. It felt as if the two were trying to coalesce into one, lips locked, fronts pressed together, armed wrapped around each other, Shuhua on Soojin’s lap, Soojin between Shuhua’s legs – to some extent, it felt like they succeeded. Soojin already knew that Shuhua’s exes were idiots for letting her go. But in this moment, she felt it. She felt it to the bone, to the marrow even. The degree to which they were connected in this moment was better than any sex Soojin had ever had, will have, or could imagine having. It was an otherworldly type of serenity. After seconds, minutes, or maybe even hours — Soojin didn’t know — they pulled away because their lungs demanded it.
“Pabos,” Soojin exhaled, out of breath.
“Huh?”
“Your exes. Pabos. Each and every one of them.” The sudden change in atmosphere coaxed a giggle from Shuhua, which in turn, drew a smile on Soojin’s face.
“I do want to clear something up though,” Soojin said after her lover’s enchanting laughter died down. “You said that you do want me to kiss and touch you. Now that we’ve established that I’m okay with us never having sex, how much are you comfortable with?”
“Well, everything you’ve tried thus far, I’ve actually would have enjoyed, had it not been for the anxiety of whether or not you’d leave me once you found out I didn’t want to have sex.”
“Really? Even the award show?”
“Yes, even the award show. I’m fine with pretty much anything except sex. You can even musubi next to me, and I wouldn’t mind.
“Musubi?” Soojin raised her eyebrows at Shuhua.
“Yeah, when you have sex with yourself,” Shuhua said innocently, causing Soojin to burst into laughter.
“Shuhua! That's masturbate! Musubi is a type of sushi!”
“Oh god.” Shuhua’s face flushed red in mortification. “Is that why Soyeon laughed at me when she and I got sushi last week?” Soojin just laughed harder. “Hey! Don’t laugh! I’m a foreigner!”
“Okay, okay.” Soojin stifled her laughter and wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes. A moment of silence passes between the two. “I might take you up on that offer.”
“Oh?” Shuhua looked surprised, but not fearful like she had been in the past. “Right now?”
“Yeah, but only if you’re ready for it.” Soojin’s energy shifted to something closer to her on-stage energy. “I wasn’t the only one all hot and sexy on stage today.” She leisurely, flirtatiously dragged her index down Shuhua’s front, keeping her eyes trained on Shuhua’s face to gauge her reaction.
Shuhua’s eyes gradually lit up. “Oh my god! I made you horny! Wow! I made Seo Soojin, the goddess of seduction, horny! Hahah! Who would’ve thought!” She reveled in her accomplishment like a little kid.
“Ok yes, I’ll admit it. You made me horny,” Soojin said with quasi-defeat, resuming their cat and mouse dynamic. She should have known that this was how Shuhua would react.
“Don’t you worry.” Shuhua pushed Soojin until she was lying down with the shorter girl straddling her hips. Her voice took on a suggestive tone similar to the one Soojin just used. “ShuShu will take good care of JinJin, while JinJin takes good care of herself.” Even though Soojin was now aware that Shuhua was not and could not be feeling what she was feeling, the Taiwanese was a damn good actress, as she had proved a few times before on variety shows. The Korean had to physically swallow back her lust with a gulp. Suddenly, a bout of laughter escaped Shuhua’s mouth.
“Oh wow, that really did it for you! Why didn’t you tell me earlier that horny JinJin is this funny!” She poked the other’s cheek playfully, with not one trace of the sexy aura she possessed mere seconds ago. She dismounted the taller girl, instead sitting cross-legged next to her and linking their hands once again. “Whenever you’re ready, jagi.”
As Soojin began to slide her pants down, Shuhua decided that she didn’t want to watch whatever was about to happen below her girlfriend’s waist. Instead, she leaned down to give her a kiss. Soojin deepened the kiss, and Shuhua showed no signs of discomfort or fear. On the contrary, she responded by threading her free hand into Soojin’s hair. At some point, one of them — they weren’t sure who — interlaced their fingers. Soojin’s kissing grew increasingly sloppy until she made a noise that sort of sounded like she was choking. Shuhua pulled away with a startled jolt.
“Are you okay? Are you choking?” Her eyes were wide with concern.
“No, I’m fine,” the taller girl grunted. “This is normal.”
“Oh.” Shuhua watched in intrigued silence for a few seconds, as strange noises came from the other girl. “Fighting, JinJin!” she cheered cutely as if she were watching Soojin do a photoshoot. If Soojin could have mustered enough control over her body to playfully roll her eyes, she would have. Never in a million years would she have predicted that her lover would yell “fighting!” while she masturbated next to them. She wasn’t necessarily complaining about it, it was just… unexpected, that’s all.
Shuhua, once again, got the urge to egg the older girl on. Remembering a scene from a drama, she leaned down so her lips were right next to Soojin’s ear.
“ I know you can’t understand me baby, ” she breathily crooned in Mandarin. Soojin shivered. “You like that?” she asked in Korean. A nod from Soojin. “ Alright, I guess I’ll continue then, my beloved. ” Shuhua didn’t know what else to say. “ ... Did you know that airports consider peanut butter a liquid because their shape is dictated by their container? That’s weird right? By that logic, shouldn’t… ”
As Shuhua went on and on in a language Soojin couldn’t understand, the latter grew more and more aroused. She didn’t expect the flip-flopping between cute and sexy to get to her like this. And now the whispering in Chinese, oh god, it was doing things to her. She could only imagine the declarations of love Shuhua must be giving her.
“ ... It would be weird if Haku and Mata were liquid. If they went outside, would they just be absorbed into the ground? ” Judging by how Soojin’s face was screwed up like she’d just eaten a lemon, Shuhua figured that she was almost done with whatever she was doing down there. “ Wo ai ni .” I love you.
These words, Soojin recognized. She had memorized them when Shuhua taught her on a V-live. These three words were enough to send her over the edge. She disconnected their intertwined fingers to guide Shuhua’s face to hers and connect their lips eagerly. The kiss was sloppy, but it helped Soojin ride out her high nonetheless.
“Congratulations!” Shuhua shouted the moment they broke apart, a celebratory smile on her face. “You did it JinJin! Good job!”
Soojin couldn’t help but chuckle. “Come here, you dork.” She opened her arms, and Shuhua immediately laid on top of Soojin like a baby bear. “You know, I think that was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”
“Really?!” Shuhua craned her neck to look up at her girlfriend.
“Really.”
“Wow! Can you believe it! I just gave Seo Soojin, the sexiest woman on earth, the best orgasm of her life! And I didn’t even touch her! Wow! Daebak!”
Soojin sighed. “You’ve been spending too much time with Yuqi.”