Work Text:
youve had a long list of lovers but
none of them matter to you
except me,
ive had a (not-so) long list of lovers but
none of them matter to me
except you
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
"Hey, catch up." Rinne's stern voice sent a rush of irritation through HiMERU.
"HiMERU would like to remind you that this was your idea, not his. Why do you expect him to be eager?"
Rinne scoffed, but he wasn’t irritated. And granted, HiMERU did listen, picking up the pace to walk a few steps behind Rinne instead of a few more steps back.
HiMERU made the horrible mistake of allowing Rinne over to his apartment. His apartment, the apartment he used his pocket change to rent out for a place away from, an apartment that only belonged to ██.
And apparently, according to that dumb redhead who made his life infinitely worse, the decor in it was terrible.
"Ya know, I thought I was the lucky one today, winnin' the jackpot, but looks like it's you instead. Gettin' some new stuff, gettin' some new stuff for Merumeru~"
"Be quiet. HiMERU is only accepting this because you're paying."
"Aaah, don't get all tsun-tsun on me now."
His lips formed a scowl, but he knew the only way to make Rinne shut up was ignore him until he was distracted. And luckily, in a store like this...
Rinne reached onto a shelf they wandered past, grabbing an hourglass. It was golden, with red glass, and the sand inside was black. He flipped it, the sand fell, and HiMERU's lips pressed together, the corner of his mouth quirking to show his disinterest.
"What? It reminds me of that song ya wrote. The colors."
"Ariadne at your Fingertips?"
"Yea, that's the one. And ain't hourglasses a symbol in, like, Greek myth stuff?"
"HiMERU chose greek mythos as a euphemism for love and fate, if you bothered to read the lyrics and process what they were about."
Rinne tsked. "Well, duh, but there's a reason ya chose that as a topic. Thought ya might have an interest in stuff like that."
"..." HiMERU chose to ignore the accusation that wasn't an accusation. "And besides, sundials were the more common choice of measuring time. Hourglasses take far less than an hour to fall."
"Huh. Now that's a cool topic. Maybe ya can sing about that next."
"About what, exactly? Sundials?"
"Nah, an hourglass emptying too fast. Like, time's runnin' out."
HiMERU's eyebrow twitched. "HiMERU is not interested in an hourglass or any of the symbolism that goes along with it. Is decor what you dragged him along here for, or was it furniture?!"
"It's both, jeez!" He sat the hourglass behind him before wandering off, and HiMERU couldn't help but glance back at it one last time.
Continuing to wander the store, eventually, HiMERU’s eyes landed on a painting on the wall. Displayed, it was painted by some local artist and being sold for way more than either man had combined. It was a painting of a bridge he recognized as being located nearby, but drawn crumbling and crashing into the river below.
“Sheesh. What a weird scene,” Rinne commented.
“It is strange,” HiMERU replied, his eyes not leaving the painting. “Has that bridge ever collapsed?”
“Nah. Just a freak who wanted to paint a bridge collapsin’, I guess.”
They moved on.
Of course, Rinne wound up buying the damn hourglass anyway. Going back and saying it was too good a find. And while HiMERU normally would have refused to praise Rinne under any circumstance, considering he got enough to furniture and decor to really make his apartment look more like a home (which he didn't ask for) for a crazy discount price, between using the Crazy:B name as well as what seemed like some sort of loyalty points (HiMERU had no idea), he was at least good at something.
"I wrote it off under Ibara's name, said it was for Crazy:B. He lets me 'cause he knows how Niki and I struggle sometimes."
"You're making the vice president pay for it?"
"No, no! Like, I use the company name to get wholesale! I paid in cash."
HiMERU's eyes widened.
"So I can get a lot off, and I can shop at bulk places. I just gotta let him know when I do so he can write it off. Apparently he gets tax benefits from it, or somethin'. I dunno the details. How'dja think I got all those cool effects and props for our music vids?"
The azuret thought for a moment, before shrugging.
"HiMERU always assumed that the company was paying."
Rinne blew a raspberry, watching as the store packed the items he bought onto a truck. "Nah, all our funding goes to outfits. I pay for the rest outta pocket. Compare it to ALKALOID's stuff, we get about the same funding as them. And Trickstar."
For a moment, HiMERU wondered just why Rinne didn't alert him of the funds issues. But the question went unasked, as the redhead fumbled through his jacket.
"And, here," He offered a balled fist to HiMERU, and when the older man reached out to take, a refrigerator magnet fell into his hand. He flipped it, and on the front was the Crazy:B logo. Tensed brows softened, and HiMERU's face shifted to one of confusion.
"...why? Where did you pull this from?? Did you just have it on hand?"
"Yer fridge is bare, and I keep some’a the magnets in my car in case I meet a fan."
"Ah. Fair enough. Maybe you are smarter than HiMERU gives you credit for."
"Nah, not at all." Rinne laughed.
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
"You haven't even touched your food!" Niki's stern voice sent a rush of anxiety through HiMERU.
"HiMERU would like to remind you that this was your idea, not his. He wasn't even hungry."
Niki rolled his eyes, watching as HiMERU poked his steak with a fork.
"You're getting skinnier. I never even get to see you eat," The chef said with a frankly pitiable frown. "You always take my food to-go. It hurts, ya know?!"
"HiMERU is always grateful for the food you make him. Rest assured, it gets eaten and enjoyed just as it deserves to be."
"Not in a timely fashion, I'm sure. You're tiny."
HiMERU's brow furrowed. It wasn't a lie. "HiMERU must be exactly 56 kg-"
"At your height?" Niki scoffed. "You should be way bigger! But you never let me fatten you up!"
"Idols should not be-"
"HiMERU," The look on Niki's face grew sensitive, his brows knitting together in a concerned look he'd never seen from the chef before. He placed a hand over HiMERU's, making the man almost choke on air. "You should know that Crazy:B is different. Even though your passion for being an idol is, like, super respectable, but you're a person, too. Before you're an idol. Please eat."
He couldn't argue. Not with that look. For as long as he'd been "HiMERU," he worked tirelessly to be a perfect idol. How was a common man, one who didn't even want to call himself an idol, able to make him break so easily? His own eyebrow twitched, tilting, and apparently, unbeknownst to him, his eyes filled with something between guilt and apology. And Niki knew he'd won, the way his face shifted to a grin that HiMERU hated to say he wished he could save.
For a moment, he wondered just how much Niki could know. He cut into a small piece of the steak, grimacing at the look of it. It looked delicious. There was an immovable guilt as he stared. What did Niki know? His fork stabbed the piece of meat that he cut, and he stared at it.
"HiMERU,"
"Yes?"
"It's gonna be okay."
...
He lifted the fork to his lips, putting the piece of steak in his mouth and chewing it, chewing it for too long, until the flavor had fizzled away and he was chewing on just mush.
Finally, he swallowed it, and he didn't miss the glimmer of pride that shone in Niki's slate eyes.
"Are you happy, Shiina?"
"Mhm!" An affirmative nod. "But you know, you're only losing fat because you're gaining muscle. I can see it on your legs."
HiMERU grimaced. "And why on Earth, pray tell, are you looking at HiMERU's legs?!"
Niki rolled his eyes. "Because I'm worried about your eating habits?"
"That makes no sense."
Niki twirled his fork in his pasta, and his lip tweaked into a pout.
"You know I love you, right? You're one of my best friends."
"I-" The 'admission' took HiMERU aback. "Come again?? Is this a confession?? HiMERU is a dedicated idol, so he is unable to involve himself romantically with anyone-"
Niki just shrugged, casual as ever. "Can friends not say they love each other? I mean, I know you won't."
It felt like a jab.
"What's with the sudden..." He pointed his fork at Niki, tilting it a bit. "Change in attitude? What did HiMERU do differently that triggered.. this?"
Again, Niki shrugged. "I dunno," He took a bite of the pasta, wolfing it down much faster than HiMERU did his steak. "Just felt like you needed to hear it. It's not a confession 'cause it's not a secret. Like I was saying earlier, y'know, Crazy:B's more than just an idol group, 'cause we're friends, too."
His eyes fell to the plate, and he set down his fork.
"Ya might not feel the same, I dunno, but Rinne-kun and I really care about you. I know I probably kinda feel like an overbearing mom, but I really don't want you to starve. That's kinda what you're doing to yourself."
"..." HiMERU's eyebrows raised, and he found himself speechless once again. "...is that why you always offer HiMERU your food, before anyone else?"
"Well, duh," Niki's head tilted, meeting HiMERU's eyes again. He acted like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Ah." It should have been. That struck HiMERU's heart like a stake. "HiMERU had always assumed you were seeking his approval."
"Nah, I don't need your approval. I mean, it's nice hearing you like my food, but I know I'm a good chef. Besides, isn't your favorite food breath mints? Why would I want approval from a guy who prefers that over anything else??"
He really didn't know what to say to that, besides a small chuckle.
Did he really even have a favorite food? He cut into another piece of his steak, tearing the meat off the bone. It was bigger than the last bite he took.
"HiMERU's favorite food isn't mints," He finally said, and Niki looked up. Then, "No."
He shook his head, pressing his lips together, and Niki tilted his head. "HiMERU... does not know his favorite food. That is all he can say, about this topic."
"Well, hm. I guess with how you are, saying you like mints is just on-par."
"What's that supposed to mean, Shiina?"
"I'm not smart enough to tell what's all wrong with you, but I know my stuff when it comes to food, and I can tell clear as day that your relationship with food is horrible! Seriously! And, ya know, fasting breath and all that,"
"...HiMERU's relationship with food-"
"No. Yours."
He found himself recoiling. His back pressed against the leather seat, his fork clattered against the plate, and it was a not-so-subtle response that he mentally kicked himself for. His eyebrows furrowed, and he frowned.
"'My' relationship with food is none of your business," He retorted, the fear catching his ribs on fire. And unfortunately, the smoke that sputtered from his mouth came across as anger. He crossed his arms, almost pouting like a child. "HiMERU appreciates your worry, but he is fine."
It was so unfortunate that his heart was trapped behind his ribs, burning just as hard.
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
"So, I heard you and Niki-han got in an argument,"
"Since when were you so nosy."
He caught his defense systems going up. An immediate spit back without even looking up. Both others had already pried past his chest far too deep into his life, even if it was only skin-deep.
The skin wasn't his to wear. It couldn't be damaged. And it was like Rinne and Niki were coming at him with incisors, ready to tear Kaname apart and uncover the man beneath.
He squeezed the pen he held, and Kohaku replied with an apology. Back to silence.
"It's fine,” Finally, HiMERU continued, hoping to dispel the awkwardness. “He's awfully pushy. Just like Amagi, unfortunate that you and HiMERU got tied up in their shit."
HiMERU never swore. The skin he desperately tried to keep on was slipping. What a horrible blessing, Crazy:B was. Kohaku cocked his head.
"...right. Ya know," He turned back to his homework. "It's not like they're all that terrible. Ain't like we're stuck with murderers."
HiMERU chuckled. "Are you not trained in that department?" He teased, "And what about Mama-senpai?"
Kohaku rolled his eyes. "Mind'yer own business. Ain't nothin' that's important. You get my sentiment."
He did. He still wanted to argue, to fight back, to tell this poor kid how Rinne and Niki were carving his skin that wasn't his skin apart and peeling it back, leaving his flesh to fall out, unable to hold itself together, for the world to see. His guts spilling out and his blood on the floor, with Kaname tainted beyond recovery.
What a horrible way to look at it, he almost thought. Almost.
Finally, he sighed. "HiMERU supposes you are right. It could very well be worse."
"'least those two, ya know, give a damn about us. Never questioned that for a moment."
He stared at Kohaku for a moment, before his eyes dropped. Then, he heard the roset sigh.
"Y'know, HiMERU-han, I friggen hate talkin' about it. But, like, you three are kinda the only people who I can look up to."
"...what do you mean?"
The boy waved his hand dismissively. "Ya know. Like, adults in my life. Madara-han might not seem like the greatest, but he’s part’a that too, obviously. I ain't on your level, I'm still just a kid, n’ I feel like you'd understand that. Ain't'cha younger than Rinne-han and Niki-han, too?"
His mouth opened for a moment, before he finally managed to find his words. "Yes, HiMERU is younger than them, too. But he understands what you are saying."
"Y'know, sometimes ya feel way more mature than all of 'em. Did'ja grow up young, or something?"
"That," He almost spat that it was none of their business. But there was something so shameful about lying to someone so young, who looked up to him so highly. Even meeting eyes with the kid, their wide eyes still somehow innocent despite everything he knew they dealt with, he felt a pang of guilt slam into his heart that he worked so hard to keep shielded. Finally, with an obvious nervous gulp, he finished. "That is something that HiMERU has to take to his grave."
"Ah. Huh. I understand." He looked back down at his paper, and the silence returned.
Only the sound of the pens scraping, and the occasional hums from one another.
"It must've been hard," Finally, Kohaku continued.
"Huh?"
"Whatever ya had t'go through, I mean." Violet eyes met golden ones. "I don't mean t'put’cha on the spot, but ya know, it's obvious to me thatch'yer... dealin' with a ton'a crap. I want'cha to know it's gonna be alright. 'Least, we understand, I guess."
An awkward hand patted HiMERU's arm, and Kohaku offered the best smile he could.
"I ain't as comforting as Rinne-han can be, but ya know, we forgive ya for anything that might've been caused by...whatever it is that fucked ya up. 'Cause it ain't your fault. And-"
His mouth was dry. He stared. Here he was, being not-so-scolded by a child. How humiliating.
"H-hey, wait, don't cry!!" Kohaku almost jumped out of his seat.
"HiMERU isn't--?" A tear hit his hand, cutting his sentence short. He blinked, and another fell. He wiped them away like they hadn't fallen in the first place.
"Ah- t's, 's okay,"
How humiliating. A child made him cry. Just a touch from Kohaku and his skin began to slip off. He pulled it back over his shoulders.
"He didn't mean to cry," He interjected, "Those words were just never anything he expected to hear."
"Well, 's what Rinne-han and Madara-han tell me, and t's the truth." From his pocket, Kohaku pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to HiMERU. "Ya can't be hurt by yer own actions 'less they can't be helped anyway."
The azuret took the handkerchief, staring at it. On it was an emblem he recognized as being from the Suou family. He looked back up at Kohaku, then back at the kerchief again.
"HiMERU supposes that you are right. And he apologizes for his outburst. It will not happen again."
"Okay, but ya know, 's okay if it does. Just 'cause I ain't the best at knowin' what to say, doesn't mean I don't care."
HiMERU gave an empty laugh, wiping the tears off the back of his hand, and off of his cheeks.
"And, Niki-han's sorry for upsetting you. He won't stop talkin' about it in the GC, not sure if ya checked it. Pingin' you all like, 'I'm so sorry HiMERU, please come back, I miss you, I love you,'" Kohaku groaned, "Real pain. But at least ya know he cares."
"At least," He'd already pulled out his phone, scrolling through the texts. "Ah."
He sighed, finally sending a text back. Apologizing, because he'd been at school, to a response of around 37 sobbing emojis, in multiple different messages. Kohaku snorted, but HiMERU's brow just furrowed.
He didn't know what made his chest hurt more. The fact that they all loved him so much, or the fact that he loved them, too.
There's no need to feel guilty, he'd told Niki. HiMERU isn't holding a grudge against you. Everyone has their arguments.
Then, he slipped his phone back in his pocket. Kohaku's phone continued buzzing from texts, but HiMERU's did not.
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
It was a little known fact, HiMERU's fluency in English. He never acknowledged it much, because his accent was embarrassingly heavy. In a group chat that was only occasionally active, made for his shuffle unit, Nazuna had sent a band, saying how nice and relaxing they were. With most of the lyrics being irritatingly vulgar (something Izumi didn't hesitate to complain about, with Nazuna retorting that 'everyone here is an adult, so hop off my dick,' which in the midst of these uncomfortable not-so-changes around him, made HiMERU chuckle), one song seemed to stick out.
They were hard to understand. But the song looped per his request, and his jaw clenched.
baby, i'm a firefighter,
trapped in a burning house,
in a silent picture,
and there is no way out
except
to watch
the love
between
us die
His eyes fluttered shut, then opened again. He didn't have any of the guts he needed to contact anyone. Rinne, Niki, Kohaku, no one. They'd already sliced Kaname's stomach open, and his guts were spilled all over the floor. They were good as gone. Except, they weren't. Of course they weren't.
He was cut in half, bleeding to death, except he wasn’t.
The song stopped, interrupted by a ringtone. He hung up, not even bothering to look at who the caller was. But as the song got quieter again, he realized they left a voicemail.
What a pain.
"...hey, Merumeru. I, uh. Sorry to bother you." There was a pause. "I dunno, Nazucchan was talkin' to you apparently, and he said you vanished suddenly. Wanted me t' check up on you, 'cause you always let him know when you hafta go."
He scoffed, starting the song over, and walking over to his fridge to grab a can of soda. The cold of the fridge reminded him he was breathing, and as he cracked open the soda, he dwelled. Nudging the fridge door shut, the only thing he had on it...
The handkerchief. From Kohaku. Pinned up by the magnet.
i know you're leaving, baby,
the birds are flying south
and there's nothing to say
i need you here, i need your love
inside
of mine-
He yanked his headphones out, and the song paused. Thank God.
He ignored Rinne for now, and sent a text to the group chat- that he liked the band, and that Nazuna had good taste.
"HiMERU wouldn't have pegged you to be someone who listens to music like this," He said to Nazuna. "Thank you for introducing him to it."
Then, he called Rinne back. His brow creased, and he pouted, knowing Rinne couldn't see it.
"Hey, Merumeru~ didja get back with blondie?"
"Yes."
His voice cracked, and he wanted to die.
"...hey-- Hey, 's everything alright?"
Silence. HiMERU returned to his bed, setting the can of coke on his night table, then staring at the nothing at all that decorated his ceiling.
"Have you ever been interested in amusement parks at all, Amagi?"
It was a scarily casual question, and somehow, it of all things made Rinne stop in his tracks.
"...what's gotten int'a you?"
"Just answer HiMERU's question."
"If I answer you, will ya answer me?"
HiMERU's mouth opened. Then he frowned.
"You are making everything so difficult."
"What? Everything? Are ya tryna ask me out on a date? Is that it? Kyahaha! Y'know, you should've started with-"
"Absolutely not. Nevermind." The azuret began to pull his phone away. "HiMERU has better things to do."
"Wait,"
Silence again, and Rinne continued.
"Yeah. Yeah, I like amusement parks, and festivals, and all things like that. But seriously, what's makin' ya ask?"
"HiMERU listened to a song," He spoke honestly, "And just got curious."
"Mm. 's that all? Didja really wanna ask lil ol' me, or..?"
The way he laid on his bed, on his phone, with his legs crossed, it really made him feel like a teen. A child.
"You just so happened to call, Amagi. No need to look into this exchange."
"'s just so casual. Yer usually all business. It's kinda sweet, hearin' you ask about somethin' so...trivial."
Normally, he'd want to bite back, but maybe the music soothed him enough beforehand, that he didn't. He hated how tender this moment was, nevertheless.
"Did you need anything else from HiMERU?"
"I'd like him to keep talking to me?"
He frowned.
"...why should he?"
"Do ya pity me enough to let him?"
"Not in the slightest, no." The response was instant, with no hint of sympathy at all. Period. "The only time HiMERU has ever pitied you is when Shiina showed him a photo of you when you were younger, where you had just been picked up off the street. And quit treating HiMERU like he's separate from.. himself."
"Owwch. So mean, Merumeru."
"You were the one who called HiMERU in the first place."
"And you we're the one t' call me back. And t'ask about amusement parks, no less."
He froze.
"..."
And then, he sighed.
"...then, have you ever had any interest in beaches?"
"A li'l, but Niki likes 'em more than me."
"Duly noted. Can you tell HiMERU, then, something Oukawa may be interested in?"
"What're ya plannin'?"
"...can he not strike up a conversation without you getting all suspicious?"
"Sounds like yer tryin' to take us all out on dates. Ya know, it ain't right for you to go after someone as young as Kohaku."
"Augh- first of all, HiMERU has no interest in any of you, Oukawa included, in that way. Second of all, even if he did, he is only tw-"
"Was it, nine years younger?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"If I wasn't so certain y'ain't dangerous, I'd be wary about ya chasin' Niki, too."
"HiMERU has no interest in Shiina."
Rinne cackled. "'Course he doesn't. But he ain't who I'm talkin' about."
"You're just sputtering nonsense now, Amagi."
Rinne huffed. Or perhaps, it was a sigh of defeat.
"...well, whatever ya say. I'll just leave ya be for now. But, we love ya, Merumeru. I hope ya learn to accept it."
They sat in silence for a moment, until Rinne spoke up again.
"See ya tomorrow?"
"Sure."
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
Rinne, of course, brought him to a nearby fair.
"And this time, ya can't say it was my idea," Rinne had said, tapping HiMERU on the nose. Objectively false, it was Rinne's idea, but HiMERU had planted the seed in Rinne's head. He kicked himself, dismissing them with a wave of his hand.
"HiMERU will not complain. But despite what he may have-- and he will emphasize, accidentally implied, he is indifferent to amusement parks."
"Y'ain't indifferent on your good ol' Rinne-senpai, now, are ya?"
He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as Rinne wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"C'mon, Merumeru. Let's enjoy today, a'ight?"
'Enjoy' and 'time with Rinne' were not two words that went together in HiMERU's dictionary. HiMERU had no interest in any of the rides, opting out of them at any chance. The faster ones made his stomach hurt, emphasizing the pangs that struck him oh so often. Maybe he should be eating more, the thought crossed his mind, in Niki's voice. He furrowed a brow.
"Hey, if the fast rides make ya sick, we should go on the Ferris wheel."
"Sap," He mocked, unimpressed. "This is not a date."
"I ain't tryna make it one," Rinne retorted, "I just don't wanna leave you out."
Was his mind blurred? Since when was he this bad at...
"HiMERU does not feel left out. After all, this outing was... is something that you wanted to do."
"Y'know, I only thought you liked amusement parks and stuff 'cause ya asked me."
"Like he told you before, there's absolutely no need to look deeper into HiMERU's words. He asked because it was mentioned in a song he heard, and he got curious."
"Well," Some point, in their conversation, their hands had intertwined. And HiMERU only noticed when Rinne's arm thumped against his. "What's the song? 'n what about the beach thing?"
"The song is none of your business, and the 'beach thing' is due to another song."
"Aww, nooo, don't gatekeep..."
"Gatekeep..." The other man glared at Rinne, and Rinne's expression was warm, almost infatuated. It made him feel sick. His ribs. "HiMERU is not gatekeeping. He is simply..."
"Embarrassed? I can see the blush creepin' up yer jaw."
He batted near his face as if to smack the blush away, then blamed it on the gnats, and Rinne gave a warm laugh.
"'s fine if ya don't wanna tell me. Y'know, I just like talkin' to you. I've kinda found I like it more than before, lately. Since ya haven't been around. I like, I guess I've missed you, y'know. 'n didn't know what to say, or, or do."
"What?"
"You've been skippin' out on practices lately, not joining our calls and hangouts.. 's lonely without ya there,"
"...ah." So much for a perfect idol. His chest tightened and his ribs burned, but he did his best to mask. "HiMERU supposes he hasn't been as diligent about checking the group chat lately,"
"Duh. Couldn't help but feel a little jealous when blondie told me he'd been talkin' to ya. Thought you were cheatin' on us for a second there." Rinne nudged the other with his elbow, and they shot him a glare.
"HiMERU is not 'loyal' to any of his unitmates. We are unitmates, nothing less and nothing more."
The sun had set and the fair was closing soon. Rinne cut the conversation short to stop by a concession stand, grabbing some food. Too much food. HiMERU held back a scoff and comment as Rinne handed him a tray to carry to an empty table. Actually, the whole section was empty, besides a worker who was beginning to clean up the area nearby. When HiMERU handed him the tray back, though, Rinne shot him a look of confusion.
"Your food, Amagi. Take it."
"I got it for you, Meru."
"HiMERU isn't hungry."
"Liar." He rested his chin on his hand, taking a bite out of the corn dog he'd gotten. "Ya haven't eaten all day. 'n Niki told me about the talk you 'n him had."
The azuret scoffed. "HiMERU figured you would have understood. You are more of an idol than Shiina allows himself to be."
"I'm an idol, but like, I'm a human. And I gotta eat!"
"...the food you ordered for HiMERU isn't nutritious in the slightest."
"'cause I wanted you to try something new. Didn'tcha tell him you don't know yer favorite food?"
On the tray in front of him was a funnel cake. Doused in powdered sugar and some red syrup, he crinkled his nose. Then his eyes trailed to... what looked like just globs of dough, also doused in powdered sugar.
"Fried oreos," Rinne chimed in, "Nothin' here's gonna be healthy. But I knew ya... say ya like sweets, at least." He scratched the back of his neck.
"Fried oreos." His lip quirked in disgust at the thought, but stabbed one with a fork anyway. "That sounds revolting."
"Go on, try it."
And he did. He took a bite. And if his eyes could fill with stars, they would.
Was there secretly a child trapped in that flaming cage in his chest? Was he trapped, too?
A child starving, begging.
He took another bite of the oreo, this time staring at it, blank-faced, as he chewed. He could hear Rinne's proud chuckle, but couldn't bother to respond.
The begging child in his chest pounded, and his stomach twisted in hunger. He almost keeled. This was nothing new. This was nothing new, this feeling, but why did it hurt so much worse?
His lower eyelid twitched, and he devoured the rest of the oreo with as much grace as he could.
It always hurt the worst when he ate something, after waiting for so long. The child pounded more. He ate another. The child pounded more. He ate another. Was Rinne still nearby? He glanced up, and they'd vanished. Blurred eyes flitted around, and he spotted them at the stand again, ordering something else, as he chewed on the last oreo he'd gotten.
He started on the funnel cake. It was delicious. A fleeting thought of how fat this was going to make him passed through his mind, but it didn't matter. The child pounded at his flaming ribs, and he ate.
Rinne returned by the time the funnel cake was gone, and the child had just begun to feel satiated. In his hand was.. something, he had no idea what, though.
"Damn. Big eater?" He teased at the empty plates in front of HiMERU. An eyebrow creased, and gave a quick apology, changing the subject.
"Here. Last thing while we’re, 'kay? I ate half, so you can get the rest. 's a chocolate covered cheesecake. On a stick!!"
He offered it to HiMERU, them giving a frown in response.
"Has HiMERU not eaten enough?"
Rinne stayed silent, but he didn't retreat his hand. He twirled it around.
"Have ya? For once, it looks like you were enjoyin' somethin', 'stead of that bored-ass look you always have. Ya don't hafta refuse it."
"Could you have not gotten HiMERU something nu-"
"Nothin' here's nutritional. C'mon."
Reluctantly, he took the dessert, and took a bite.
"Eugh-" His nose crinkled as he swallowed it, then he passed it back to Rinne. "It's so sweet. How on Earth-"
"Aww, ya found something ya don't like?" He laughed warmly, the affection heavy in his tone, as he took the cheesecake back from HiMERU.
How gross.
"Hey, c'mon, I seriously do wanna go on the Ferris wheel with you before this place closes. We'll be the only ones on it."
"..."
"I fixed yer stomach issue, c'mon..."
HiMERU turned his head down, picking up his tray and throwing everything on it away. Rinne followed with his own.
"Entertain me?"
"Fine."
The compartments on the damn thing were too small.
"Do not make any moves on HiMERU, Amagi," He'd said.
"Sure," Was the response he didn't trust for a moment.
The child banged on his ribs again, taking a shiv and twisting and prying and trying to escape. Despite how hard he tried, the intimacy of this situation caught up to him. Fast.
Rinne sat across from him, but both men were tall enough that their feet were close.
"Have you been planning this for long?" HiMERU finally spoke up, gazing out of the cabin window as it slowly moved around. It was a large ferris wheel, especially large for a fair like this, but HiMERU feigned not caring. "Bringing HiMERU on this 'date.'" He gave air quotes.
"Nah, really. You mentioned it yesterday and I just decided to bring ya here, since I knew it was in town."
"And the ferris wheel?"
"Ya want honesty? 's my favorite ride." Rinne's foot tapped HiMERU's, and they kicked him back. It didn't hurt at all.
"Is that so?"
"But I wanted to spend some, like, time with you, too. I know ya said no making moves, but I ain't trying to hit on HiMERU," He frowned a little, "I ain't even really trying to hit on you. It ain't material like that."
"Are you confessing to HiMERU as well, now," He rolled his eyes.
"C'mon, don't dismiss me like that.."
"Go on, then. HiMERU has no choice but to listen."
Rinne hesitated, twiddling his thumbs in his lap. "I really do love ya, is what I mean. Y'know, the kind where I just don't care if ya love me back like that or not. I just want ya to be okay. 'Cause, yeah, I mean it like that."
HiMERU leaned into the window, his hand covering his mouth. The child climbed up his throat.
"I can't readja as well as I can read, yannow, Niki. I know ya do it on purpose. Hidin' yerself."
He didn't know Rinne's eyes were on him until their eyes focused somewhere else, gazing out the cabin's window instead.
"But nothin's gonna hurt you. We ain't gonna hurt you."
"That," HiMERU spoke, from his heart in a way Rinne rarely heard. He looked back over at HiMERU, whose arms were crossed as he stared out the window. "Is unfortunately not true. 'My' fate is already sealed. You have already hurt 'me' more than you know."
"Merumeru?" Eyes that weren't "HiMERU"’s dwelled on Rinne, now. "I'm sorry,"
"The things that hurt HiMERU are out of your control, Amagi, so don't fret on them. And for his own sake, do not blame yourself."
The cabin shifted as Rinne stood, swooping around the pole to sit down next to HiMERU, instead.
"Ya didn't happen to write Ariadne at your Fingertips about, y'know, us, didja?"
"No."
When 'I'm' gone, you'll never see 'me' again, he wanted to say. I never wanted to be with you in the first place, he thought next. Oh, how he wished. At least, they deserved closure, but he couldn’t even offer that.
"It would be nice if it would work out in such a way, but HiMERU is not that lucky. So there's no point in mourning. And no point in comforting," He chose instead.
"Sheesh. Depressing. Don'tcha ever look at the bright side of things?"
Oh, how he wished Rinne knew. How he wished he could say. The knife trailed across his spine, threatening to peel Kaname's skin away.
He felt like a child. Pouting and being comforted.
"HiMERU is-"
"Merumeru, come here."
He had no choice. Arms looped around his waist, pulling him into a hug, one he tried to force indifference towards. The child's arms moved on their own, looping around Rinne and pulling him closer. The child's eyes closed, squeezing the other tight as fingers trailed through his blue hair.
"I'm sorry," ██ spoke. Being hugged by his unitmates was nothing abnormal. But this was beyond a hug. This was more. Was it the romantic implications behind it? Was there more?
"Don'tcha apologize," Rinne continued, but ██ interrupted.
"No. Not for this. Not for me."
Oh, how he hated this. Kaname's skin had fallen. There was no HiMERU in this moment.
And how it would all be lost, in the future.
"I'm sorry for you." He finished.
He'd survive and go on. Hands pressed against Rinne's chest, pushing them away. The child had been suppressed once again. Caged behind bars.
"Meru-"
He couldn't let himself feel so vulnerable again.
"What, Amagi?" He shucked the skin back over his shoulders.
"Can I kiss you?"
There was a moment of silence. HiMERU bled.
"Sure," He replied.
"Not HiMERU. You. Come back to me."
Hands clasped the re-sewn skin, tearing it off once again. Fingerprints had been long since embedded into the damn thing, ruining Kaname's image.
"'I' can't do that."
His expression was hurt, tragic, even. It made HiMERU sick. It made ██ sad.
Hands pressed against HiMERU’s shoulder blades, nails digging bone-deep and leaving 'him' exposed to everyone.
"It's either HiMERU or no one at all."
Hands pressed against HiMERU's cheeks, a thumb dragging across his cheekbone and staining Kaname forever.
Rinne didn't respond.
Lips pressed against ██'s, and he melted. His eyebrows twitched, then knitted together, and his jaw relaxed, mouth slipping open for Rinne to dive into. Tongues mingled, arms looped around Rinne's neck and arms looped around ██'s waist. It was surface level, literally surface level, but it felt like his body was being intruded on. He pulled Rinne closer.
HiMERU hated it. ██ could not get enough.
██ wasn’t HiMERU, after all. Tears tumbled down his cheeks, tainting the kiss with the flavor of salt, but neither seemed to care. ██'s back pressed against the window of the cabin, and he sighed out of his nose, as his body seemed to relax.
HiMERU felt disgusting.
But ██ was never HiMERU, after all.
When they pulled away, both men stared at each other with a glimmer in their eye, like two teens who'd ran off, skipped school, and were doing something wrong.
Well, for one of the two, this was wrong. But the child felt satiated.
"What happened today is never going to leave the cabin of this Ferris wheel, understood?" HiMERU spoke, his brows furrowing, and Rinne nodded, the dazed expression never leaving his face.
"Yeah, yeah. Kiss me again?"
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
After hearing about his stupid outing with Rinne, Niki became insistent that he get a day-out with him, too.
"How does the beach sound," HiMERU pretended to suggest somewhere random, and the glimmer in Niki's eye made him feel giddy.
"Yeah, yeah! We can go scalloping and I can cook dinner, maybe?"
Food was all Niki thought of. Instead of feeling bothered, he felt a pang of envy, or perhaps even affection, if he dared. He didn't dare.
HiMERU shook his head, but couldn't keep his lips from forming a fond smile. "Is food really all that's on your mind, Shiina?"
"Aaaggh, I think of other stuff!"
"Such as?"
Niki paused, then groaned, shoving his face in his hands.
"Doesn't matter!"
The growing feeling of fondness in his chest that he never bothered to notice prior terrified HiMERU.
But he isn't HiMERU.
No scalloping had been done that day, and Niki had no luck catching anything else. Something was distracting him, HiMERU had figured, but didn't bother to ask what exactly. Hand-in-hand, as the sun set, the two scaled out a jetty, until they reached the end, balancing each other so they wouldn't topple into the ocean.
"I had a lot of fun today, HiMERU," Niki finally spoke as they sat on the jetty, legs dipping into the water and resting on rocks beneath.
He was never one for the beach. He never cared. Even as they sat, their hands didn't disconnect.
Niki took HiMERU's silence as a sign to continue.
"I kinda wish you and I would hang out on our own more often. Not like I don't wanna be with Rinne, I mean, but."
There was a tenderness to Niki's voice that he couldn't place. Was it affection, too? Was it...
The orange of the sun blended perfectly with Niki's tan skin, disguising any blush that could have been visible in another situation. HiMERU sighed.
"Amagi is an awful handful sometimes."
"Right!" Niki agreed with a laugh.
"But you're no different, really."
"Hey! Don't compare me to him~" Niki gave a pout that he wished he could call cute.
HiMERU only scoffed, though it was humored. "Don't you know? The only one in this unit as competent as HiMERU is is Oukawa. You and Amagi are more rambunctious and idiotic than a child is, sometimes."
"That's no way to talk about your seniors!" Niki's fist met the top of HiMERU's head, and he startled, but it didn't hurt.
Oh, if only Niki knew.
"It isn't an insult. Not many people are near as refined as Oukawa can be. Do think some about him sometime, instead of thinking about what your next meal is going to be."
"Auughh~ If you wanted to hang out with him instead of me, you could have just said so!" Niki feigned offense and jealousy, and HiMERU knew it was fake. Yet.
"That isn't what HiMERU would have preferred."
"Eh-?"
His eyes drifted to the sky, as golden as his eyes, the sky which grew grayer by the second.
"HiMERU made the choice to spend time with you on his own. If he had wanted to spend time with Oukawa, he would have."
The clawing at his chest returned, and he glanced down at his lap.
"Whaat? Are you admitting to wanting to hang out with me??"
Hands trailed down the scar on his spine and the stitches popped. He smiled, even though HiMERU shouldn't. However, he didn't respond. A thumb trailed across his hand.
He'd patched himself up so many times he'd become bad at it. Rinne and Niki had gotten better at skinning him, too.
"'s okay if you don't wanna say it." Stuck in his thoughts, he didn't notice Niki sliding closer until he felt their forearms nudge together. He'd chosen a shallow crook between two rocks to sit, and something told him Niki's intentions included closing this distance, all of it.
"And it's fine if you want to get closer to HiMERU, but don't think he's as dumb as you are."
"Waah, you caught me-"
They met eyes, then Niki slid down the bigger rock (thank God for his swim trunks, because the rock didn't look pleasant to slip down), slotting rather perfectly into HiMERU's lap. Then, arms wrapped around his waist, and their chests pressed together.
It was tender. His chest was being clawed at again.
"It's too hot out to be clinging to HiMERU like this," He tried, but Niki just grunted.
"It'll get cooler."
His hand lifted to the nape of Niki's neck, slowly combing through his hair, taking his hair down. His hair was full of tangles, just as HiMERU expected, and perhaps pretending it was a less intimate exchange than it really was, he slowly tugged the tangles out. Starting at the bottom, he slowly combed their hair out, though it was damp from the water they'd waded in earlier, he didn't struggle much.
"You have beautiful hair," He murmured, though only half-realized he said it aloud. "It's a shame you keep it tied up. That can't help with the knots."
"It needs to be tied up in the kitchen," Niki didn't seem to acknowledge the compliment, either. Thank goodness.
"HiMERU can also tell you don't take care of your hair properly. The way it's so stiff, even though you obviously have a different hair type."
"You're one to talk. All that hairspray you use."
"HiMERU does not-"
"HiMERU does too. I can smell it."
Right. There was no lying to Niki when he could smell something. HiMERU sighed in defeat.
"Unlike you, HiMERU has reason to look refined, as he takes pride in being an idol." HiMERU paused, as his fingers rounded Niki's ear, combing through his bangs. "All he is saying is he thinks your hair would look nicer if you bought the right products for it."
"Mm." Niki sat up, and placed his hands on HiMERU's cheeks, trailing them back through HiMERU's hair. He couldn't tell what Niki was thinking, but the crinkle of their eyes as they smiled wider made HiMERU feel uneasy.
██ wasn't HiMERU, though, of course.
Hands rested on Niki's jaw, and in that moment, a thought was shared. Niki's eyes flicked downwards, and immediately, HiMERU picked up on the intentions.
"Wait," Was all he said, a hand clamping over the other man’s mouth, and their eyes instantly filling with an innocent worry. Like they’d done something wrong again. He felt Niki's mouth open.
"First things first," He continued, "'I'm' sorry. Second things second,"
Niki's hand left HiMERU's cheek, instead grabbing his wrist to lead his hand away. The hesitation in HiMERU's voice was obvious. Niki's head tilted.
"Second things second?"
He looked away, the orange sunset thankfully shielding his horrible blush. The golden hour was slowly coming to a close, however. His eyebrows furrowed, and he knew Niki was still admiring him.
"While he promised to keep it confined to the room it occurred in, HiMERU has already shared a.. Moment, with..." The name dwelled on his tongue. His jaw lingered open, before it closed.
"With..?" Niki's head tilted, trying to prompt more out.
"Amagi. HiMERU did not feel comfortable proceeding without..."
"Oh! Whooh," He laughed, "Good! Nahaha, I thought you were gonna say someone really out there."
"Agh- do you not even care??"
"Nah. If anything, this is good news! 'Cause now I can kiss ya without feeling like I'm leaving Rinne-kun out! Can I kiss you anyway?"
"What-- Fine,"
Before he could even properly respond, Niki'd already pulled him forward, their faces more-or-less haphazardly smushing together. Where Rinne was experienced and patient, Niki was the opposite. He had no hesitation in grabbing HiMERU's jaw and prying it open, shoving his tongue inside and leaving them shocked, then pulling away too soon and leaving them wanting more.
Niki's tongue stayed lolled out of his mouth, watching as HiMERU wiped the saliva off their chin and covered their invaded mouth, their face now red enough that Niki could see. Cute.
"You are extremely eager," HiMERU grumbled, watching as Niki licked his lips. He couldn't tell if they were trying to be suggestive, or what...
"Well, of course I am,” Niki rolled his eyes, “Mr. Mysterious-guy-who-doesn't-care-about-anything is letting me kiss him and staring at me like I'm an angel!"
"HiMERU is not-"
"You're right! HiMERU isn't, and that's why I'm so excited! Can I kiss you again?"
His chest clenched at the eyes Niki used to plead. And for a moment, he wondered how in the world Rinne could ever tell him no.
"Fine," HiMERU said, but it was clear that ██'s answer was more eager. "But try not to eat HiMERU's face off this time."
You've already gored Kaname's poor skin enough, anyway.
"No promises. You taste good~"
Their lips slotted together again, and this time, ██'s hand twined through Niki's hair while the other rested on their waist, and he sighed. He almost wondered what his mouth tasted like- something about fasting breath, but he hadn't-
He'd broken his fast without realizing, today.
Niki's hands slid down to his chest, and their back arched, nuzzling closer. Their hips jerked, and-
"Stop," HiMERU broke the kiss to say in a huff, his hand pressing against their chest, now, instead to push them away. "We can't do this here. We can't do this, period. No."
"Huh? Whaddya.."
"HiMERU can feel you grinding against him."
"Ah. So kissing's alright, but no dick stuff?"
I can't taint Kaname's skin like this.
"Yes."
The only things that are mine are my mouth and my eyes.
The child screamed, crying, clawing, begging. A screwdriver, crowbar, the prying end of a hammer, something found itself lodged between his ribs, tearing through them.
Please, please, please, It cried, I want out, I want out, it's so lonely, this isn't enough,
If only Niki could see the turmoil he was putting HiMERU and ██ through.
He coughed up smoke.
"HiMERU is sorry for the disappointment. He simply... cannot. It isn't your fault."
"Well, how far can we go?"
Though his eyebrow twitched, ██ found himself curious.
"Why do you insist on going as far as possible?"
Fingers trailed across HiMERU's bottom lip. Niki's sickeningly sweet, wide eyes hit HiMERU's.
"I'm asking so I can stop! But.. I think if we go that far, there's no point in you hiding from me anymore... right?"
"It hardly works like that. Is sex not just another exchange?"
"Is kissing me any different?"
A thumb traced Niki's cheek. He wished he could make their face light up again without damaging Kaname's body even more.
The sun had set further, and the sky was as slate as Niki's eyes, now. The only thing Niki's eyes missed were the bright stars that struck him, every so often, which had already begun to speckle the sky.
A knife twisted in his gut.
"Is that just an exchange? If you don't really wanna, y'know, it's not fun for me, then."
The desires he had shouldn't be let out. But the smoke that he choked up was as clear as day. A starry-eyed look that was only reserved for food. He somehow craved that desire, too.
"Do you want to kiss me? To kiss Rinne-kun?"
His silence wasn't a valid answer. Somehow, he wished the cries of the child trapped behind his ribs was audible. Maybe if he peeled his skin away, Niki could hear it, too.
His head dipped down, and he held Niki close.
"...'I' hate mistreating you," Were the words he settled on. "You and Amagi do not deserve that."
"A-- ah? Where's this coming from..?"
You're all that I want, right now, He cried, except he couldn't. Hands pressed against Niki's spine, and he leaned forward, curling around them.
Arms looped around ██ now, too, and fingers trailed up and down his spine. The skin there was soft, untouched, pristine, like every other inch of the azuret’s body- he kept himself perfect, with utmost effort. Niki pressed a kiss to the tendon between ██’s shoulder and head.
His skin was never torn away. The touch down his spine made him shiver, and he arched into the other. His skin fell away, as his hips shifted, pressing closer to the other.
"Shiina," He spoke, "'I' am not uncomfortable." Smoke poured from his eyes in the form of tears, though he didn't sob, blinking the tears away. "HiMERU is. 'I' am not."
"...ohh, are you like ehh... whatever's up with Itsuki-kun and Mademoiselle?"
"It would be nice if the answer were that simple, but no."
It would be nice.
He held Niki tighter.
Another open-mouthed kiss found itself on ██'s neck, before Niki pulled away to look him in the eye.
"Do you want to? Do you want to?"
Who was ██? What did he want?
He couldn't speak.
"Listen to HiMERU's body," Is all he managed to say. "It's more honest than he can be. It's been crying for you."
The look of shock that mixed with Niki's face that shifted to arousal made his stomach twist into pride. He did that. He made Niki feel some kind of way.
And it was true, his body was crying for them. In this moment, in every moment, his body was his own, whether he believed it or not. And he didn't realize just how bad until they pressed closer, their hand trailing down his stomach while the other caressed his cheek. He felt his dick twitch beneath his swim trunks, and his jaw clenched.
His body wept. This touch was never something he cared about.
Yet, suddenly, it mattered.
With a care he never expected Niki to take, they peppered the gentlest kisses down his neck and shoulder, thumbs tracing his hip bones. The bones jutted out, and ██ could feel the concern as their fingers pressed into the dips.
"So just how long have you struggled with…" A finger pressed against the flat of his hip, and a hand palmed ██ through his swim trunks, ██ responding with a stifled gasp. “Y’know, this?”
"Too long," He murmured, "But now is not the time for you to scold HiMERU."
A kiss planted against his cheek.
"I just care about you, ya know. What's more romantic than that?"
██'s eyes fluttered shut, and Niki kissed him again. This time gentler, combing a strand of hair behind his ear, then holding his cheek and stroking it with their thumb.
This situation wasn't sexy, ██ thought. It was too tender to be. So the fact that his dick throbbed in Niki's hand surprised him. Was tenderness really something he liked? He always thought he was into the idea of being more rough, more rough with his partner, in particular. Not hurting them, but leaving them breathless, feeling cold without his touch when it's not there, but able to dwell on the bruises his fingertips left.
"I love you, Meru~" Niki cooed in his far-too-sweet voice against his lips, a thumb dragging across the head of his cock, and HiMERU couldn't help but suck in a gasp. He just didn't know which triggered the need for air in his lungs more.
There'd be no mark on his body this time but the trails Niki's hands left, burnt onto Kaname's-- no, HiMERU’s skin.
"Shiina," He murmured his response, but couldn't say anything else.
"HiMERU,"
Fingers tugged down the waist of HiMERU’s swim trunks, and his cock sprung free, and he groaned, wanting to shift uncomfortably.
He shouldn't have opened his eyes.
Niki stared down, his eyes filled with the stars that HiMERU missed oh so greatly, and his mouth watering. And though he refused to glance down, he could tell from how cold the air was and how Niki's skin stuck to his, the thing he wanted to eat was nothing other than HiMERU’s dick.
How could he say no to them when they both wanted that so bad?
Niki's eyes met HiMERU’s expectantly, his thumb grazing the bottom of the head, HiMERU responding with a groan.
"No, not here."
That look of disappointment almost made HiMERU change his mind.
"...it's too risky, you could fall into the water. Though, you are one to risk your safety to put something you want to taste in your mouth, aren't you?"
He nodded, pouting. "All your cum's gonna just go to waste.."
HiMERU’s cock twitched, and he knew Niki could feel it.
"...some other time?"
That made Niki perk up.
"We're gonna do this again??"
He stayed silent.
"...Just worry about right now, Shiina."
It quickly became obvious that HiMERU had no experience in this regard. And he felt eternally grateful that Niki did. When his orgasm soon splattered across his stomach, he immediately felt fingers dipping into it.
"It's so thin," Niki mumbled, slipping his fingers into his mouth anyway, "And so clear."
"Quit criticizing that sort of thing," HiMERU grumbled, covering himself back up. "HiMERU has to keep his body in top shape. And if he lets himself be.. pent up, he'll struggle onstage."
"Aw, why? Do you find us that hot?"
He leered at Niki, but the honest answer was an emphatic yes. Especially now, with the moon shining neon, lighting like a halo around Niki, with their hair draped around their shoulders...he felt his chest do a twist. He lifted a hand, brushing back behind their neck before fixing their bangs a little.
"I feel as if the answer to that should be obvious."
"Well, if you need help, Rinne-kun and I are here to help ya out, alright?"
HiMERU nodded, and Niki continued.
"....y’know, the sand up on the beach is probably cold, so you should just stay here with me for now, okay?"
They rested their head on his chest, hugging him softly.
“It’s just as cold out here, Shiina.”
"I just don't want you to leave yet."
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
"Thanks for takin' me out, HiMERU-han,"
As mature as he could act, Kohaku was still a child at the end of the day. And his insistent begging towards all of his seniors to take him to this dessert place, because they started selling a new flavor of cake...
Well, the childlike glint in his eye was something that HiMERU began to pity.
"HiMERU will take you," He'd relented, when Kohaku approached him after school that day.
Sometimes, it became obvious just the gap between him and his unitmates. His eyes dropped to the cake.
"It's nothing," He chose to respond with, "HiMERU had no plans anyway."
The cake was a cheesecake, he could tell that much, but it was green. The flavor was something he didn't know. Kohaku had ordered 'the new cheesecake,' so he couldn't tell from that. "What kind of cake is that intended to be, anyway?"
"Chocomint cheesecake," Kohaku's spoon dug into it again, but he flipped it around between his forefinger and middle so that the bowl of it was facing HiMERU, nudging it with his thumb. "Ya wanna try some? I know ya like mint."
"HiMERU likes mints, but he never eats mint-flavored desserts. Too much sugar."
"Right."
"But he wouldn't mind a sample," His ankles crossed, and he tapped his foot.
"Then, go ahead?" He extended his hand further, cupping his other hand beneath it so nothing spilled, offering it to HiMERU.
Without thinking, HiMERU leaned forward, eating the cake on the end of the spoon. He'd always refused any sort of friendly motion, anything.
The clawing weakened as he let himself be.
"It tastes good-" He said after he pulled away, but when his eyes met Kohaku's again, he only felt judged. "What's with that face?"
Kohaku's brows had furrowed, and he sneered, almost.
"Not like I wasn't bein' genuine, but I seriously didn't expect you to go in for that."
"Were you trying to embarrass HiMERU?"
"Nah, I mean-" Kohaku shrugged, picking up a napkin and cleaning off the spoon before setting it down. "Ya know, first off, I never even see ya eat. Second off, I expected ya to scoff and turn yer nose at me." He chuckled, "Just kinda funny how I just fed my stuffy senior cheesecake at a cute cafe."
Something festered in his chest. An affection.
"HiMERU would have felt guilty saying no," He lied, "It is impolite to turn down your juniors."
"There's no way that's the truth. Yer confusin' sometimes."
Kohaku crossed his arms and shook his head, and in that moment HiMERU felt some sort of empathy towards Rinne.
There was never anyone alive that HiMERU had the chance to dote on. To bond with. To appreciate, or to be proud of. A twinge of distress lingered in his eyes for just a moment, and...
HiMERU laughed. "Thank you, Oukawa."
Kohaku just hummed.
"'s kinda like Niki-han and Rinne-han sweetened ya up."
"Hm?"
He took another bite of his cheesecake.
"Y'know... like, you went to hang out with both of 'em back to back right before ya came and hung out with me. Both times. Somethin' changed, how ya look at 'em, too. 'n every time ya c-"
"That's enough, Oukawa," His voice had no bite.
Kohaku just shrugged.
"Yer not that good at hiding your feelin's. Ya can’t keep sayin’ ya don’t wanna be with us, and actin’ like a different person when we start divertin’ what you expect and likin’ ya anyway."
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
He bit. Despite knowing he shouldn't, despite knowing better, he bit. And now, hands ran up and down his ribs, soothing the flames that burned so hot. He pushed the guilt far away from his mind.
He should've kept this on those jetties. He should've kept this behind the doors of the ferris wheel cabin. And yet.
"Hh. Fuck," It was an uncomfortable groan, but he wasn't uncomfortable.
"H...hey, honeybee," His back was pressed against Rinne's, their face nuzzled in the crook of his neck. He was impaled, and as Rinne nudged his hips upwards, HiMERU could hardly stifle a gasp. His hand twined through Niki's thick ponytail, not pushing nor pulling but encouraging them, gently massaging their scalp.
"God. Fuck. Yer squeezin' so tight,"
"Quiet," He tried to speak, but Niki's tongue dragged across the underside of his cock, flicking at the head, and he gasped. Then, Niki pulled away with a pop.
"You've never done anything like this, have you, HiMERU?"
"That is none of-"
Niki planted a soft kiss that quickly shifted to a bite against HiMERU's inner thigh, and it shut him up immediately, his face practically exploding into red as he just watched. I mean, he couldn't do anything but stare. How could anyone ask him to respond when Niki was being so, so...
Niki took HiMERU's cock into his mouth again, and he felt hands groping his chest, suddenly.
"How're ya feelin', honeybee?" Rinne cooed.
"I'm fine," Was his answer, but the sharp gasp and absentminded buck of his hips he gave told another story.
"Tell the truth? I know y'ain't outta yer shell right now."
"...feels good," He murmured the admission, if not only because Niki stopped using his mouth for a moment. God, how he hated that they could see right through him. But God, how he loved it.
"Promise?" What a stupid thing to make a promise about. Still, HiMERU nodded, and it was the truth. He did feel good. Fingers gripped and pulled the skin back around his chest as he began to move his hips, and smoke poured out.
It was all visible. It filled the room in the form of soft grunts and moans, wanton sounds echoing off the walls. He was being devoured in his own home, ravaged, all per his own request. He felt Niki's head rest against his stomach, hugging him to ease the feeling and remind him that he was there, and alive, too. Then, they climbed up.
Niki looked so fucking attractive, in this moment. Bleary eyes opened and focused when he felt a weight straddling him, resting on his waist, and it was Niki, with his messy gray hair tumbling down his shoulders. Beautiful, he wished he could compliment, but all he could do was lift a hand to their cheek. And they smiled down at him, making his heart skip a beat.
Fuck.
Half-dressed, they'd already discarded their pants and briefs, and they'd long since prepared themself to be fucked, too. At least, HiMERU assumed, there was no hesitation, the way they slipped their fingers into their mouth then brought their hand behind them...
"Meru, are you ready? You too, Rinne?"
"Uh-huh," Rinne responded before HiMERU could, as he was too dumbstruck by the view in front of him. His eyes fluttered shut, and he tried to grind up against them. But Rinne's firm hands kept his hips down.
"Words, Merumeru~" Rinne murmured.
"Please," Was what he managed. "Shiina. Please."
Rinne also gave a grumble, telling Niki to hurry, too, and it made HiMERU shudder. Sometimes he felt selfish about how much the others in Crazy:B loved him, but it never struck him so hard. He almost felt sick, for a moment, he thought about just what a crude thing Kaname would come back to, such a dirty relationship with his unitmates. He'd hate ██ for putting him in this position.
But ██ wasn't Kaname, and Niki and Rinne didn't want Kaname. Kaname wasn't Rinne's crush, Kaname wasn't Niki's fuckbuddy (and possible crush, too, he didn't know... what was his relationship with the two of them, anyway?), and Kaname certainly wasn't Kohaku's senior he looked up to so dearly.
Whatever the case, hands grasped his ribs, ignoring the flames, and pulling him close. He was a skeleton and some muscles who had found love, somehow, in a world where he felt bare and naked (and not just because he was), he was loved in all his nakedness.
"'I' need you," He started, a wince drawn across his face, "'I' need you to hurry up,"
At that, HiMERU felt Niki's warmth engulf him. He didn't know how long they actually took, but there was a sick feeling of relief he felt when the other man had sunk down, hips meeting hips. His free hand crept up Niki's leg, and his eyes fluttered shut with a sigh all while the other leaned down, pulling HiMERU into an embrace. He didn't know where he ended and his partners began, but he didn't care. Still, the thrum of anxiety pounded through his veins so painfully he was almost scared that the other two could feel it.
At least, they could sense it, for sure. A hand ran through his hair, and he heard Niki whisper something, something about how he was doing a good job, followed by Rinne's affirmation and a gentle nudge of his hips upward. How nice it was to have people who loved him so.
He'd never done anything beyond what he needed to in order to not pent himself up. As Rinne (who was almost uncharacteristically careful about it) fucked up into him, he felt himself fizzle out, the feeling of Niki's hot warmth making it just too much. It was so new. It was so good. The care Rinne had taken in preparing him, making sure he wouldn't hurt...
He felt his chest twist up.
There was no way he'd last long.
Each thrust up from Rinne sent him into Niki, and the sounds that left their mouths mixed together like a beautiful hymn that HiMERU was forbidden from hearing.
"When HiMERU cums," He groaned, his words interrupted by a gasp each time Rinne's dick hit deep inside him. He tilted his head and pressed it against the redhead's (though Niki used this as a chance to dive down, nipping at HiMERU's neck) "Haa.. You'd better not stop, do you-- do you understand?"
"...nnh, fuck," Rinne couldn't get the words out, so he just nodded.
"You're such a closet whore, Meru~" Niki, on the other hand, could.
"Quiet," He grunted his response, but it wasn't a denial.
"Aahh.. hah... but you're enjoying this, right?"
A particularly deep thrust from Rinne made his voice peak. Embarrassing. It made Niki gasp out too, his body shaking and shuddering on top of HiMERU. Hot.
"Maybe," He bantered his response against Niki's throat. “But you’re one to be talking. So enthusiastic to suck cock, if you told HiMERU you were a patron saint of fellatio he’d believe you immediately.”
Niki’s breath hitched at the vulgarity, and he tried to whine back, but it was much more frail than usual. “Uaah, mean~”
Fingertips dug into HiMERU's hips, dragging him up and down the cock beneath. He didn't mean to ragdoll, but all his energy was kept focusing on not cumming embarrassingly early. Not like the other two couldn't tell, even if he denied, they weren't dumb.
"Hh.. Rinne, I think he's..." Niki's voice trailed off, but Rinne got the hint. And in one big motion, one that knocked the air out of his lungs, he was flipped.
Niki's back pressed against the bed, and their legs wrapped around HiMERU’s waist, and before he could even make a noise of question, Rinne's hips rammed against his, deeper than before. And he buckled. He collapsed on top of Niki, his arms wrapping around them and pulling them into a tight hug, with Rinne lifting his hips as he grew weak. He was rougher than before, aggressive, it almost hurt but it couldn't outweigh just how good he felt.
He didn't know whose name to moan out. That was the only downside. An arm moved down, gripping Niki's hip, while another propped himself up, and finally, the three synced. A rhythm was found.
"Hh..." He grit his teeth, opening his eyes for just a moment (they'd been permanently screwed shut, besides his occasional peeking out. Too embarrassing), and catching a glimpse of the man beneath him. His lips were parted and drool was smeared everywhere, his tan cheeks a deeper red blush. They stared down at where their body connected with HiMERU's, and he swore their pupils were blown with thousands of hearts. When their eyes met his, he swore that number quadrupled.
A sickeningly pure smile crossed Niki's face, one that in absolutely no way reflected the dirty activity the three were participating in, right now. There were beautiful hearts in Niki's eyes, and they were reserved for HiMERU. (And maybe Rinne). The moment that seemed to last several seconds longer than it actually did was cut short by the redhead, shifting his hips and bumping right against HiMERU's sweet spot, making their vision smear with spots of pleasure and pulling a horribly erotic cry of his name out of their throat.
"Ya like that, honeybee?"
He loved it, he loved this, but he didn't have the words to say it.
"He loves it-" Niki, somehow, did.
"Oh, yeah," Rinne gave a particularly rough thrust, stopping Niki's sentence just short. "How d'you know?"
"Uu- hhya...~" Niki sucked in a breath, "Ifya saw his face..."
Another rough thrust, and this time, Niki's voice peaked, right next to HiMERU's ear. His stomach twisted.
"Close," He mumbled, though he wasn't sure if either man heard him until Niki spoke up.
"Haa... You keep your eyes on me... and touch me, please? Aa..I wanna... I wanna cum with you," It was a whisper, right into his ear. He wanted to cry out, but he held his tongue, gritting his teeth to keep it quiet.
He obliged. Of course he obliged. He couldn't say no to a plea like that. He pulled Niki close, his tongue invading their open mouth, then his arm slipped between them, and he squeezed the other man's cock, listening to them cry out when he did.
"Fuck, Meru!" Niki's back arched and his head tilted back, and HiMERU's cock slipped deep inside, ramming into their sweet spot at the shift and making them cry out louder.
"Nnh...Shiina,"
"Meru, Meru,"
"Damn, Merumeru," He heard Rinne pipe up, quirking his hips a little as he fucked into him and giving his ass a squeeze, "Yer makin' him moan so loud,"
HiMERU could not feasibly bite back right now. You're the one being so rough, he wanted to say, but all he could do was give a whine of Rinne's name. All he could think about was the two of them.. and how close he was to cumming. Seemed the same went for Niki, because only moments later, he practically screamed, clenching tight around HiMERU, his nails scraping down their shoulder blades as he came. Cum splattered against his stomach (thank God his shirt had ridden up) and HiMERU's as well. And that pushed the azuret over the edge, too.
"I love you, I love you," He broke, at that moment. The flames burned high, escaping his chest and setting the stupid, shitty apartment alight. Neither man knew who he was addressing, as cum spilled deep inside the one beneath him. His arms looped around their waist and he held them close, listening to their cries as his own got louder, his body alight from the overstimulation.
"Don't you dare stop," He spat, "Amagi, don't stop until I'm filled up,"
"Anything for you," He huffed, holding back a grunt and biting his lip through the tight squeezing so he wouldn't orgasm right then and there, the sweet cries as HiMERU looked over their shoulder at him with the most desperate look he'd ever seen certainly made it difficult.
Noisy moments passed, and with a moan of HiMERU's name, Rinne came, too, toppling down on top of the other two. They were a mess of limbs set aflame, one that Niki was the first to try to detach from.
And HiMERU did not want to let him go.
"I gotta get something to eat, Meruu... Merumeruuu..."
He stayed silent, hugging them tight. Rinne got up instead, removing himself from HiMERU and ignoring just how cold he felt being away from them.
He paid it no mind until he felt a hand on his wrist. He turned back; Blue eyes met golden ones, and the golden ones held a desperate loneliness that he hated to leave behind.
"H...hey, 's okay," Rinne tried to smile, patting HiMERU's hand with his free one. "Nothin's gonna take me from ya while I'm gone, alright? I'm just grabbin' somethin' for Niki to eat really quick. I'll be right back, 'kay?"
HiMERU was silent, his eyebrow furrowing, but he let go anyway. Niki, too, started to wiggle out of HiMERU's grasp, though this time, he let them. He looked down at his lap then looked away, but the ache in his rear as he tried to move prevented him from ignoring... everything that'd just happened. He moved to wipe a bead of sweat off of his neck, but winced at the bruise that was left behind. Bruises. He didn't know how many littered his neck, but...
"Here ya go,"
A pair of boxers smacked against HiMERU's face. His own, thankfully.
"Excuse me?" HiMERU retorted, but there was no bite in his tone. "Watch where you throw things next time, Shiina."
"What, like that would've killed you??"
The door creaked open as he finally pulled his boxers back over his hips, and Rinne had come back in with... a plate of way too many sandwiches. HiMERU frowned. It looked like they were made with the last of his lunch meat. He opened his mouth to say something, to snap at Rinne for using so much of his food, but before he could, Niki had already taken all of the redhead's attention, thanking him for the food, taking the plate, and, for lack of better words, just going to town on what was on it.
"If HiMERU had known you'd be that hungry," He finally spoke up, "He'd have ordered something beforehand. He apologizes for his lack of good planning."
"'s no problem," Niki said, not even looking up as he continued to eat.
There was something endearing about it that HiMERU couldn't place. His chest twisted again. Was it ██ begging for freedom, or was there something more? Absent-mindedly, he placed two fingers on his breastbone, as if touching it would help. Focusing only made his pounding heartbeat apparent. The bed sank as Rinne sat down next to him, and a hand rested between his shoulder blades, rubbing up and down his spine in an attempt to comfort. Sometime between then and now, Rinne had shucked on his boxers as well, but HiMERU didn't care about that, right now.
"You alright, Merumeru?"
"HiMERU is fine," The response was instantaneous, and his voice was neutral. "Besides his back. Be more mindful next time you decide to do something like that with someone."
"Hey, I was mindful! I wasn't even that rough?"
"He totally wasn't," Niki butted in, his mouth still stuffed, sitting down on opposite of Rinne on HiMERU's other side.
"Yeah, if I really wanted I coulda left ya all fucked out on the bed! 's usually how I leave Niki!"
"HiMERU doesn't want to hear about that," He feigned disgust, but it was more of embarrassment. The other two just laughed.
"Well, we're at that point now, soo.."
He looked back down at his lap, and there were a few moments where he stayed silent as Rinne and Niki continued the conversation.
"Hey, HiMERU-kun," Finally, he was brought out of his mind as Niki spoke up. "Were ya being serious, when you said you love whoever of us?"
"Yeah, yeah, who were ya even sayin' that to, anyway?"
He had said that, hadn't he? Though he glanced up at them when they spoke, the question made him zone away, his eyes averting to his lap with a frown.
"...HiMERU should not have said that."
"Huh?" Shock ran through both of them, and the banging against his ribs was there once more.
"I should not...have said that." He repeated, as it was all he could think to say.
baby i'm a firefighter, trapped in a burning house,
He glanced back up at the two, and again, he felt like a child. Immature and selfish. He is an adult, so he should act like one.
██ is an adult.
in a silent picture, and there is no way out
"It would not be fair of me. To allow either of you to be with someone so.."
except to watch the love between us die
"So heavenly? So sweet? Swear, yer the-"
"Someone so impermanent," He glared at Rinne.
Neither understood what he meant. He didn't expect them to. They would never know, if he could help it.
"I mean, we can see through ya pretty well even if yer all fakey."
His mouth opened, as if to rebut.
"Yeah, I mean, it's obvious all that 'perfect idol' stuff is a farce. Is- is that the right word? Farce?" Niki piped up.
"I'unno, maybe?"
"This is more. Than that."
He couldn't tell them. He couldn't tell them the truth.
"I will never be the person you think I am." A hand rested over the bruises again, fingertips pressing against them. The low thrum of pain reminded him he was alive. "I am just being a selfish child."
There was silence for a moment. Arms wrapped around HiMERU, and he leaned into it, not caring whose arms they were.
"We are all young and we are all dumb. And pursuing this will only cause heartbreak for us. This needs to stay behind the door of this apartment. Understood?"
There was no response, as the other's arms wrapped around him as well. It was warm, and he never wanted to leave.
"So this isn't about the public image, then. Liar," Niki was the first to speak.
"Of course it is. But that isn't what HiMERU is worried about when the only other people in the room are people that he..."
"Trusts? Loves?"
He couldn't respond. How could any of this make sense without addressing the elephant in the room, without addressing the skin they tore and bruised and fucked, not knowing who lies beneath?
"Yes,"
Would they love Kaname the way they love him? He didn't want that.
"I won't be here forever," He reworded and repeated, and Rinne held him a little tighter.
"What's it matter?" He said in response, his voice soft. Rinne was always brash. When something mattered, the roughness faded into a sweet voice that felt like sugar. It was a tell that HiMERU had observed a billion times before. Now, it was turned on him. "Nothin' lasts forever. Why give up somethin' ya want now just 'cause?"
"HiMERU is trying to save you from the inevitable heartbreak you're in for," He replied with no aggression in the slightest. "But you've already gone and fallen for him, put blind faith in him, both of you. Haven't you?"
It was an unfortunate yes. Despite his hardest attempts to be distant, HiMERU was loved. The child cried to be freed.
"Sure, but you've fallen for us too, haven’t’cha?" Rinne retorted. "Y'know, we ain't in love with HiMERU."
"You know exactly what HiMERU means."
"Separate yourself from yer skin all ya want, but we can see you. 'N that's who we love. Li'l blank slate, Himerunrun. We love you. And we're gonna keep on lovin' you 'til you can't take it anymore."
The tips of HiMERU's fingers felt warm as he ran them over the arms embracing him. Niki pressed a soft kiss against his cheek, and Rinne's face nuzzled against his neck. Oh, how he wished he could keep this.
"You just don’t understand. All I want," He continued, "Is to be yours." His eyes screwed shut again. How lonely it would be. When Kaname awoke and took his spot, everything would be gone, for HiMERU. And Crazy:B certainly wouldn't be able to accept this new, awkward HiMERU. "I wish I could give you what you want, what I want, I wish I could give you my love, now, but it isn't..."
"Well, seriously, how come ya don't just give in?"
Everything's been squandered already. Because ██ is not Kaname. And Kaname is no longer HiMERU.
"Because, this is going to hurt you. Everything will go wrong. Everything is wrong,"
A mix between heartbreak and warmth spread throughout his body. He stole this mask. He stole the fame and success and now lived in a skin that wasn't his but was.
Kaname is no longer HiMERU.
There was no response, so he opted to continue. "You are both so desirable," He murmured. “And HiMERU just can’t bear to involve you in this. There is too much that you’ll never be able to know that will ruin you, despite what ‘I’ selfishly want. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
"Izzat a confession?"
"Take it as one," He brushed them off. "If you want. It's the best that HiMERU can give."
"So basically, you can only say you love us when you cum, then??" Niki piped up.
"HiMERU welcomes you over here for something that you offered, tells you as much as he can about things he certainly shouldn’t, and now you're being rude to him?" He tsked. "You should be grateful."
"Waah, I'm sorry! Don't get mad at me again!"
The hug grew tighter, and HiMERU sighed.
"HiMERU isn't mad."
It was the truth. Between crosses of arms, his ribs were still burning, and his heart was still trapped inside. But the child had escaped, and perhaps one day, the fire would burn and die out. His chest would be cleared from the smoke, and his heart would be free.
"He could never stay mad at either of you." His head dipped, resting against Rinne's shoulder, while one of his hands lifted to Niki's cheek. "He means that, truly."
"Good," Rinne kissed the top of HiMERU's head, "I don't care if yer gonna break my heart or make me cry or whatever.. 's worth it, for you. When you're feelin' low, you know we'll be there too. So, kiss me?"
He lifted his head, meeting Rinne's eyes, then he obliged. A hand brushed a strand of hair behind his ear as they kissed, the warm feeling making the flames in his chest feel more like embers on a burnt log.
"Everything's wrong, but it's alright. Nothin's gonna hurt you. Nothin’s gonna take ya from us. I'm here, and Niki's here, and we ain't leavin'. Even if you say you will. ‘Cause we love you, too."
✦ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ⁺ . ✦
its so sweet
knowing that you love me
but we dont need to say it to each other
sweet knowing that i love you
and running my fingers through your hair
its so sweet