Chapter Text
Pico took a long drag off of his cigarette, his mind completely tuning out the sounds of the waking city, or the fact that it was so cold outside, his fingers felt like they would freeze off any minute. None of that mattered to him. Nothing was the same anymore.
It was hard to imagine that at the ripe age of twenty, Pico had his first crush. It all felt so surreal, so wrong . He thought… he knew that after everything, he’d never be able to fall in love. He was way too fucked up, too wrong, too broken to even consider romance. He’d spent the last eight years of his life simply trying to survive and make it through the day, trying to ignore the dark thoughts his mind would conjure up to torment him. He couldn’t even care about friendships, let alone relationships .
So, why now? Why now ?
He flicked the ash off his cigarette with a sigh. Supposedly, this “fictional” disease or whatever it was is the result of unrequited love. Now, Pico was fluent in English, but there are a few words here and there that he either hadn’t heard or didn’t know the translation of.
“Unrequited; (of a feeling, especially love) not returned”
Meaning Bee didn’t love him back.
It wasn’t like he was surprised. No matter what Pico wished for, it wouldn’t change the outcome. He threw his cigarette butt onto the balcony floor, absentmindedly scanning the scars on his arms with his eyes. Knife slashes, gunshot wounds, track marks, a few lines he had made himself in his darkest days. He was fucked up beyond repair.
Unlovable.
“Y’know, they’re healing up really well!”
He didn’t even jump, already expecting her. She seemed to show up at his absolute worst, had been for many years now. He knew she wasn’t real, but even still, he welcomed her ghost.
“Haven’t gotten into much trouble lately.”
“I’m proud of you, Pico, I never expected you to get clean!”
“Gee, thanks, Nene, appreciate it. Really heartwarming of you.”
“Quit being a dick and accept the compliment.”
He snorted and grabbed another cigarette from the pack. “Sure. Thanks.”
She giggled melodically and adjusted herself on the other chair on his balcony. There was a pause before she spoke again. “...how are you holding up?”
“Well, you’re here, so take a fucking guess.” Pico sighed and rubbed his temples. “This is all so fucked up.”
“I agree. I always expected you to go after some hunk of a man, not this twig of a twink.”
“Fuck off,” he replied with a small chuckle.
She laughed again and tucked her knees to her chest, turning away from Pico to look out over the city. “What’re you gonna do?”
Pico took his time to think of an answer. What could he do? Should he spill his guts and tell Bee, or stay silent? If he kept quiet, things would progress like they had been and he’d eventually choke to death on flowers. Hell of a way to go, but he wasn’t opposed to it. After all, he’d been at the very least passively suicidal his entire life. But… what would Bee do if he found Pico’s corpse? He didn’t want to scar the poor kid like that.
If he told him how he felt, would that be worse? The fact that he’s sick already proves Bee didn’t feel the same way. It’d ruin their friendship, the one thing Pico really didn’t want to lose. What if Bee thought he was weird? What if he got so uncomfortable he’d leave? What if he hated Pico? What if, what if…
“You know, it’d be better to just man up and find out for yourself.”
“Stop reading my thoughts.”
“Hard not to when you’re overthinking like that.” She sighed. “It’s gonna be alright, Pico, you deserve to be happy, too.”
That sentence broke the floodgates of all the pent up emotions he’d be locking away so tightly. His anxieties were quickly replaced by a barrage of dark thoughts, ones he’d be ignoring for God knows how long. He took in a shaky breath and ran a hand through his hair.
“I don’t. I-I really fucking don’t, not after everything I’ve done, not with how f-fucked up I am. Nobody deserves that k-kind of burden, especially not Bee.” He paused, trying to control his stuttering as he failed to stop the tears rolling down his cheek. The hand running through his hair tightened its grip. He needed to ground , to relax . “I don’t even deserve to be here right now, n-not when you or Darnell didn’t get to live the lives you deserved .”
He knew he was fighting a losing battle, giving in to the panic that surrounded him like a wave. He dropped the cigarette on the ground and wrapped both arms around himself, digging his nails into his biceps.
“I-I don’t even wanna be here right now! Wh-why am I st-st-still here, still alive ?! I d-don’t wanna fucking be here anymore !”
This was why he never let himself remember the past, he couldn’t handle remembering that he was still alive, that he was the only one left. All he’d ever wanted to do with this stolen life he’d been given was to make everyone proud, live the lives they never got to live, and where had it gotten him? Contributing to the gun violence he so despised as a teenager, pumping his body full of of whatever drug he could get his hands on at the moment, spending his days in a haze and his nights getting used by people he didn’t even know, and now he was going to die to fucking flowers ! It was all bullshit! He’d done nothing but let everyone down. What was the point of living when all he was good for was being a fuck-up and failing at every single thing he’d ever tried?!
Then, he heard it. A faint voice calling out his name. He looked to his side, but Nene was already long gone. Then, who…?
“Pico? Are you awake?”
Bee.
He gave himself a moment to cough before standing from his chair and slowly heading back inside. He wasn’t sure if he should even answer the knocking from his door. He wasn’t exactly in the best of headspaces to see the very person who had shattered his entire worldview.
“Hey, are you okay? I heard shouting.”
Shit. Pico sighed, knowing that he had fucked up. He was too caught up in his breakdown that he didn’t even realize he’d screamed loud enough for Bee to hear. He knew he couldn’t hide in his room forever. If there was one thing about Bee, he was very persistent. Might as well suck it up and get it over with now.
Pico swung open his door to see Bee, fist poised to knock again. He gave Pico a once over and winced. Pico couldn’t blame him, he knew he looked like shit.
“Heeeey… sorry if I woke you up.”
“I haven’t slept,” Pico replied, voice monotone and strained. His throat burned when he spoke, but he didn’t have the energy to sign. Alternatively, he didn’t want to give Bee another reason to worry about him.
“What's, uh… what’s going on? You alright, man?”
Nothing big, just having a fucking crisis because I realized that I’m madly in love with you, although I know that I don’t deserve you, or anything for that manner! I’m choking on flowers and my life is meaningless!
Pico cleared his throat. “Just…had a rough night. Nothing for you to worry about.”
“Can I help?”
“Shouldn’t you be asleep? You’re never up this early.”
Bee flushed and looked away. “I, um, I-I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been worried about you. You scared the shit out of me last night.”
His chest burned.
“...appreciate it, but I’m fine. Working through some shit right now.”
“It might help if you talk about it.”
“No.”
Bee chuckled. “Fine, be that way. Well, I’m going back to sleep. You should too.”
Sure, we’ll see about that.
~~~~~
Bee was starting to worry. Well, he’d been worried, but he had started to get even more worried. Pico had been holed up in his room for a few days at this point, only leaving to use the bathroom, go do merc work, or occasionally eat. Bee wondered what he had been doing there, and given Pico’s past, he had every right to worry. If it wasn’t for seeing him walking in the hallway every few hours, Bee would’ve assumed he had overdosed again. He wasn’t even sure if Pico was still using anymore, any conversation where he’d try to bring it up, Pico would shut it down. He didn’t seem strung out anymore, which was a positive, but who knows? Given the way Bee healed him, Pico shouldn’t have issues with severe addiction anymore. Angel powers had a hell of a way of reworking diseases.
Bee twirled a lock of hair around his finger anxiously. He was supposed to go perform at the park later, but given his roommate’s situation, he wasn’t sure he felt comfortable leaving Pico all alone at home. He sighed to himself, wishing Pico would just talk to him about whatever’s been bothering him. He’s an angel, for fuck’s sake, it’s in his blood to help those in need.
With a breath of finality, Bee decided not to go. Sure, people usually gave much better tips in the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas, but Bee would rather not freeze his ass off in the snow. He’d be right here on the couch if Pico needed him. He just wished he could do something to make him feel better…
Wait! He sat up as an idea popped into his mind. He should get Pico something for Christmas! After all, Pico did pierce his ears for him, and who knows, maybe a present could cheer him up a little.
Bee hopped off the couch and searched for his money tin. Since he had been helping pay some bills and groceries, he didn’t have much, but surely he could scrounge up a few bucks to spend on his roommate. He rummaged through the bills and coins, counting as he went.
Twenty-seven fifty. That should be more than enough.
He wrote a note for Pico just in case the guy decided to leave his room. Bee felt a slight pit of guilt in his stomach for leaving the house after just deciding that he’d stay nearby, but it was for a good cause. With good luck, a shopping trip wouldn’t take much longer than an hour or so. He set the note on the coffee table, grabbed the bus card and a coat, and headed out of the door.
~~~~~
As Bee stood in the book aisle of Target, he came to a realization he wished he’d thought about sooner. He didn’t even know what Pico liked . He hadn’t fully realized just what a mystery Pico was. Sure, he’d picked up on a few things here and there, like how Pico played the guitar, or that he didn’t really have a favourite movie since he had a hard time watching through one all the way, or that he hated barbeque chips, but really, he knew next to nothing about what Pico liked. He didn’t know his favourite colour, or animal, or song, fuck, he didn’t even know Pico’s last name . Bee felt a wave of shame at not knowing so much about his best friend.
Well, to be fair, the guy didn’t talk about himself much.
Bee scanned the aisles once, twice, three times before groaning in frustration and sitting down on the cold linoleum. Gift shopping by itself was already hard, gift shopping for someone so closed off about their life was nearly impossible .
He rubbed his face, deciding to call the trip a bust. Maybe he could make something or Pico instead, although he wasn’t very creative outside of music. He could give him a song? Nah, that’d be weird.
He opened his eyes, landing directly on a thin, silver chain on the bottom of the clearance shelf in front of him. It wasn’t very flashy, but Pico wasn’t a flashy guy, so he might like it…
Fuck it. Bee grabbed the chain and stood up, heading for the checkout. Hopefully, the thought would count. Maybe Pico would like it just a little bit… or at least enough to justify spending eleven bucks on it.
Bee paused. Eleven bucks?! For this flimsy thing?
He looked around as discreetly as he could before shoving the necklace into his pocket with a smirk. Might as well use the extra money for some snacks, instead.