Chapter Text
This morning should be peaceful; every part of it screams “I’m comforting.” The copious amount of pillows, fluffy comforter, and warm morning light streaming in from behind the sheer curtains. For all intents and purposes Kit should feel comforted right now, she should feel at peace.
Maybe she would be, if she stopped staring at the ring on her finger, stopped examining how it glitters as the sunlight hits it, stopped letting it remind her who isn’t here right now. But she can’t, the wedding ring on her finger, the stone she and Jade picked out because it looks just like jade but stronger so Kit could always carry her wife with her everywhere. This morning it taunts her.
She should be happy. She is at the top of her field and she gets to do what makes her happy. Making music and sharing it with others is the only thing she has ever seen herself doing. Ever since her Dad took her to her first concert. She doesn’t even remember who they saw, but she remembers feeling alive, feeling electric. Since that day whenever she was asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she proudly said musician.
So yeah, she should be happy, and she shouldn't feel like her heart is 2,898 miles away.
Her heart is probably already awake, having woken up in their bed alone. She probably got up to her alarm, took the dogs out, fed all the animals, and got ready for the day.
A ping from her phone brings Kit out of her thoughts, reaching over instinctively, she unplugs her phone and brings it towards her. A message from Lili lights up, a reminder for their studio time this morning and the time the driver will be outside Kit’s apartment.
Kit woke up before her alarm this morning and chose to sit in silence instead of turning over and trying to find sleep once more. After all these years the time difference still makes Kit pause before calling Jade, she checks the clock on the wall set to Vermont time before pressing call on Jade’s contact. If Kit isn’t mistaken, Jade is probably just about to leave for work.
Her phone rings for a few seconds before Kit hears rustling on the other side of the line.
“Morning Love, you’re up early.” Jade’s comforting voice washes over Kit, the feeling one of light and warmth.
“Morning. Yeah, I have an early morning at the studio today.” Kit sits in the moment, her eyes closed, feeling at peace for the first time all morning.
“You seem like you’ve been awake for a while,” There’s some rustling on the other side, the closing of a car door. “Lili isn’t working you too hard is she?”
“No,” Kit purses her lips and sighs, “No, she’s fine, and probably the only person in my corner at the label right now… but it’s fine, we’re just working on some stuff before the tour starts. What do you have going on today?”
“We’re coming back to that during dinner, but I’ll let you brush it off for now” Jade mutters something Kit isn’t able to hear over the hum of Jade’s car. “I don’t have much planned for class today, there's a few more slides to cover before the test in the Bio class, and the microbiology class just has some work on their lab projects to do.”
“I love you.” Kit knows she sounds grossly fond as she says this. But she’s a woman in love, sue her.
“I love you too. What do you have planned for the studio today?”
“Nothing.”
“Kit, you always have something planned for the studio. What’s up?”
“I..” Kit pulls air into her lungs, pressure building behind her eyes, “I just have no want to make more of the music I’ve been making. I don’t have any motivation to make this “hot and exciting” music that the label wants. I just want to be home with you. I want to wake up in our criminally comfortable bed, with my legs cramped because the dogs jumped up in the middle of the night.” Kit’s voice is rough with frustration, “I..I want to make you dinner. Wine and dine you. See that pretty blush in person. I want to feel you, every part of you,” A tear streaks down Kit’s face, disappearing into the pillow below her head, “I’m just so sick of feeling so alone out here.”
The phone goes silent, and for a second Kit can almost hear the gears in Jade’s beautiful brain turning, trying to solve the problem, trying to find a good solution. Even if what she needs right now isn’t a solution, and she’s not sure she’d really welcome one at the moment.
“Try something new. When you first started, you wrote these beautifully meaningful songs, they touched people differently. Draw from what you’re feeling right now and write that. Your fans will connect with what you write if you put genuine feeling in it. Don’t just make meaningless music because your label says it fits your genre, even if they are good songs.”
“I’ll have to bring the idea up to Lili, but the label probably won’t go for it,” Kit felt a flutter of something deep in her chest, whether it was hope or excitement, she couldn’t tell. She’s careful to not let it overtake her, and get her hopes up for something that will never happen. The part of her that used to get excited and ask to do all kinds of new things died a couple dozen “No, you’re going to stick with what we want we said” ago, the hope and excitement beaten out of her over time.
“Make them.” Neither of them said anything for a few minutes after that, both stuck in their minds, but content to do it together, like this.
“I got the email this morning that my application has been sent to committee for consideration.” Jade says it softly, but suddenly. Kit can hear the quiet hope in her wife’s voice.
“Holy shit, Jade! That’s incredible! I’m so proud of you! I told you they’d like you! How do you feel?” Kit explodes with excitement for Jade. All that she’s been working toward is panning out, and Kit couldn’t be more proud of her.
“Good? I don’t know, it’s just so much, and I've been waiting for so long that I just don’t know anymore. But I think this will be a good thing if it goes through.” Jade grows silent for a second, “Do you really think I should do this? There’s already so much going on and I don’t want to pile more. You have the tour starting up and you’ll be traveling, and I'll have to take all the animals with me to the tiny apartment or let Elora stay at the house while I’m in school and have her take care of them and the house since neither of us will be there.” Jade rambles.
“Jade, baby, take a deep breath. I am fucking thrilled for you. God, I wish I could give you the biggest hug right. You deserve this so much. I’m absolutely the happiest woman in the world right now, my wife is gonna be a doctor!”
“Kit, that’s hardly exciting, you’re literally a world-famous, jet-setting musician, I should be the proud one here.” Kit can hear the laugh in Jade’s voice.
“Well, I think we signed on to be mutually proud of one another when we said our vows, so let’s just agree to disagree and be proud of each other regardless,” Kit smiles at her phone, even though Jade can’t see her right now. “Though, I definitely win. My wife is gonna be Dr. Jade Tanthalos-Claymore”
“I’m not a doctor yet, love. But I do appreciate the vote of confidence.”
“That’s what I’m here for, unwavering confidence in my wife from almost 3,000 miles away! Yay me!” Kit’s voice sounded more dejected towards the end.
“Love, it’s fine! We’ll celebrate later when you’re closer, ok! We’ll go out for dinner or you can come stay the weekend and we’ll do a whole thing. I’m just glad I caught you this morning before you had to go into the studio.”
Kit’s chest aches at Jade’s words. She should have been there when Jade got the email this morning, she should have been there with her to hold their breath as she read through it, and she should have seen the bright joy and relief blossom on her wife’s face, instead, she’s lounging in her LA apartment before spending the day making meaningless music that she hates.
She knows that if she was in the car with Jade right now she could look over and see Jade white-knuckling the steering wheel, her anxious thoughts getting the better of her.
“Hey, Hon, can you do something for me?” Kit says, forcing a casual tone.
“Yeah, what’s up?” Jade asks absentmindedly, paying attention to the road.
“Can you shake out your hands for me? I have a feeling that they’re clenched around the steering wheel right now.”
“Heh, yeah, thanks” Jade stops talking for a second, seemingly raking her wife’s advice to unwind her hands from around the steering wheel, “It’s scary sometimes just how well you know me.”
“Well, I have a few reasons Love, 1. We’ve been best friends for like 2 decades, and 2. I am your wife, it’s literally my job more than anything in this world to know you like I know myself. I think I do pretty well with it too.” This feeling of not being there to joke and rub the tension from Jade’s hands herself hurts. It hurts to know that she’s probably missing how her breath has been shuddering as she’s been talking about all of it. The phone’s mic wasn’t sensitive enough to pick up on the change in her wife’s breathing.
“Hey, I’m so sorry, but I just got to the school, and I need to get my day started, I’ll call you at lunch, ok?”
“Yeah! Absolutely, have a good day, and give the kids hell. Love you.”
“Love you too, have a good day!”
Kit is plunged into silence as Jade ends the call. It doesn’t last long as the alarm she had set to remind her of the car picking her up goes off.
“Fucking shit balls.” Kit rushes out of bed to put some hastily grabbed clothes on and get out the door with all her booth supplies in tow, getting downstairs as fast as possible so that Lili wouldn’t kill her for being late.
Getting in the black car sitting outside her apartment, Kit shoots a greeting to Kase with a tired smile as he locks the doors and begins to drive. Kase has his usual 80s rock station playing softly from the front of the car, though Kit doesn’t pay attention like she usually does.
It’s too early for Kit to be wallowing in self-pity, and Lili will surely notice the foul mood the moment she walks in the doors, but she can’t help it. Everyone she loves, everyone whose opinion really mattered to her was on the other side of the country and living their lives, and they talk, some more than others, but they stay in touch more than Kit thought they would at the beginning of her career.
But then she thinks of Jade all alone in that house, Jade who has always hated being alone, who takes care of their lives there, their animals, their home, their family. All by herself.
Kit would give it all up, every bit of it, in a fucking second, if it meant she could go home and hug Jade right now. She would put her guitar up and never play another show, or another song, she would never sing another note if it meant that she got to wake up next to Jade tomorrow.
She could do it. She could leave right now and never turn back, she could get her phone out and book a flight… miss her time in the booth with Lili, cancel her tour, and upset all her fans, the producers, and her only friend out here. She probably wouldn't even regret it, she’d just leave, not even take anything with her, just get on the plane and go home.
Go back to Burlington, her mom’s house, Ballentine’s down the road. Willow’s bakery where Elora now works and thrives, and the business that Graydon and Airk merged a few years ago. Even go and see Scorpia and Boorman, see her brother-in-law’s goofy-ass beard, and hear one of his lame-ass jokes.
She could take a shower in her shower, and curl up in their bed. She could sit in the beautiful den that they designed together, in front of the massive fireplace that could heat the whole house if needed. She’d be able to breathe for the first time in months, maybe even years. She could breathe without the crushing fucking weight of everyone’s expectations.
There wouldn’t be any impending deadlines for songs or albums. No urgent calls from Lili and teams invading her house at 3 am to get her ready for an interview. No executives who would look at her disapprovingly. No watching Lili get off the phone with a tense and pressured look on her face, stressed about what the old men at the label are telling her to do with Kit’s music.
No more expectations besides her vows to Jade and their family. From anyone but her family, and herself. It would be freeing, she would feel more like herself than she has in so long. Moving away from this facade that her team has carefully curated would be a miracle, and would make her unbelievably happy. She wouldn’t have to be K. Tanthalos, she could just be Kit. Jade’s Kit.