It Hits Different

by danisnotinteresting

Summary:

I really have no summary for now, just read the tags please

Notes:

hi so i finally got ao3 to be approved :) this is still a work in progress so please bare with me. there is a lot of strong content and trigger warnings so please take caution before proceeding! stay safe

Chapter 1: House

18 year old Dan Howell stood nervously at the train station where he and Phil had agreed to meet. It was their fourth time seeing each other in person, but this time felt different. Dan's heart raced, his palms going slightly numb from fear and anxiety, and a knot had formed in his stomach.

He felt physically ill. He had never felt like this with anyone before. Should he just go home? Dan couldn't shake the feeling of unease that had settled over him since he woke up that morning in a puddle of sweat and now that he was going to Phil's house for the first time, alone.

Memories drowned out his current thoughts to the ones of the first time they met online, exchanging messages about Muse, Final Fantasy and spending hundreds of hours on Skype. They had quickly become close by sharing everything from their deepest fears to their silliest jokes, of course Dan's deepest fear was the churn in his stomach everytime the word gay was mentioned, but now that they were meeting face to face again, Dan couldn't ignore the nagging voice in his head telling him that something was wrong, he didn't think he could stomach it.

"BEN VOLIO!" Phil's cheerful voice broke through Dan's morbid thoughts with the lighthearted reference to his theatre work, something he had been brave enough to share with Phil. He looked up to see his friend approaching with a bright smile on his face,

"Hey, Phil," Dan replied, forcing a smile of his own as he tried to push aside his anxious thoughts.

They hugged briefly before beginning to walk towards where the buses were taken from, but Dan couldn't shake the feeling of tension between them. He fidgeted with his band bracelets to soothe himself for even just a second. Avoiding Phil's gaze was hard as he struggled to find the right words to say. Dan resulted to chewing on the skin of his lip, another nervous habit the taller of the two had.

"Is everything okay, Dan?" Phil asked, concern beaming from his voice. "You seem a bit... weird today."

Dan hesitated, Phil sure could of worded that better, weird wasn't always the best word to be described as. Unsure of how to respond. He wanted to tell Phil the truth, to finally tell him every malicious thought inside his mind, the feelings that had been swirling inside him for years. The fear of rejection and judgement held him back, keeping him trapped in his own little bubble of self doubt and denial.

"I'm fine, Phil, really." Dan finally spoke up, forcing a smile that just felt more awkward. "Just a bit tired, I guess. I was up all night playing DDR!" Dan shifted the conversation to one of his interests as he scratched the back of his neck, feeling the heat of it from embarrassment.

Phil studied him for a moment, as if trying to decipher the truth hidden behind Dan's words. But then he simply nodded, accepting the explanation without pressing further. "Well our bus is here!" Phil could tell there was something more behind the current mood and the shifted eyes from Dan, was Phil doing something wrong?

Both of the boys showed their bus tickets and then Dan sat on the inside seat, the bus was in rows of twos and quite cramped. The ride was passed in a blur, filled with awkward silences, forced conversation, clashing knees from both being awkwardly lanky and looking out the bus window about a million times. Dan couldn't shake the feeling that he was lying to himself and to Phil, he would never want to hurt Phil, pretending to be someone he wasn't in order to avoid facing the truth.

As they got closer to Phil's house, Dan felt worry wash over him, his face turned white and all colour was drained. He knew that he couldn't continue living in denial forever, that he needed to confront his own internalized homophobia and embrace his true self, no matter the consequences.

But for now, he pushed those thoughts aside, burying them deep within him. They both thanked the bus driver and got off. Dan was here to have fun, not to shove all of his jarring thoughts and hide away a part of himself, he felt wrong for feeling this way, why did he always feel wrong?

Phil started conversation, "so, my parents are gone for an entire week! which means I can eat as much cereal as I want!" Phil talked a lot with hand actions which made Dan laugh a little bit, his mind wandered to the comment of his parents not being there, "what about your brother?", Dan had added as they trenched up the hill Phil had spoken about before, it was really getting tiring.

"Martyn went with them, just us I guess! Plenty of loud music for us then." Phil smiled as he fixed his flannel and hands into his pocket. Frost was nipping at both of their noses and making them as little red. 'Cute', Phil thought to himself before tearing his eyes away and smiling, the silence wasn't awkward anymore until the thoughts of being left alone in Phil's house creeped up on him. Did Phil want to do something with him? Why would he even want to come near Dan? That's how the brown haired boy's brain worked.

All of this was put away for now as Dan stopped and took a breath. "I'm so tired, mate" He barked out a laugh and squatted for a second, feeling his lungs burning, "literally the most exercise i've done in about 15 years." They shared a laugh. It wasn't exhaustion that gnawed at Dan's insides. It was the fear that lingered in the depths of his mind, the fear of being seen, of being judged, of being rejected.

The chilly wind swirled in the sky as Dan and Phil finally made it to Phil's house. The sky was a canvas of contrasting blues, mirroring how Phil's eyes were seen through Dan's point of view.

Phil cleared his throat, his voice gentle as he took his house keys and shoved them in the lock, they came from inside of his Captain America wallet, classic Phil, he was so endearing. The door was finally opened and the expected house smell wafted to Dan's nostrils, it felt like home as he stood at the entrance. "Well are you gonna come in or not? I can leave you out there all night to become a- Snow Dan!" Phil's arms were crossed in fake disapproval as he motioned for the other to walk in, it was nipping Dan's skin as it was so much warmer in here now, he had laughed at Phil's bad attempt at a joke, of course he would be the one to laugh.

"Come on, let's go upstairs" Phil closed the front door and they both walked upstairs to his bedroom with the vibrant green carpet, it was weird being in the bedroom of the person he'd been thinking about for months now. This was literally AmazingPhil's bedroom and this made Dan think for a moment, how many untold stories that have happened in here, this was his childhood home.

Phil's face lit up with a grin as he gestured around the room. "Welcome to my humble abode, Daniel!" This was like a grand announcement.

Dan couldn't help but chuckle at Phil's enthusiasm, "You're acting like you're the queen or something, getting on like that." Dan smiled so hard he thought his face might fall off.

"It's... certainly unique," Dan remarked, a playful glint in his brown eyes. "Definitely giving the 'Hey I'm AmazingPhil!' vibe."

Phil beamed, his chest puffing out with pride. "Exactly how I envisioned it, it's a reflection of my personality, don't judge"

As Dan wandered further into the room, he couldn't help but feel a sense of awe at the trinkets and endless posters that littered Phil's space, he wanted to stay here forever. Dan looked around at the vibrant colors that surrounded him before asking, "Can I sit on your bed?" Phil seemed baffled by this question, "of course you can, it's your house too!" Phil said in a not literal way. This made Dan think about where life would take them, he wanted to live in a forever home with Phil, but maybe he was thinking too far ahead.

Chapter 2: Colour

Dan sat on Phil's bed as he unpacked his small bag and realised that half of his clothes were still wet from the drier, maybe making his Dad pack his bag wasn't a good idea. Visible discomfort washed over him, alarming Phil immediately. "My clothes are still wet." Slowly, Phil shot him a glance and looked at his own wardrobe, "take your pick!" Jazz hands were visible as if showing off an expensive prize on a game show. Dan briefly examined the colorful shirts hanging inside.

He hesitated as he stood up, his fingers hovering over a particularly bright pink shirt covered with Japanese lettering. It was galaxies away from his usual preference for dark, muted colors, and he couldn't help but feel a pang in his heart at the thought of wearing something that belonged to Phil, he wanted to belong to Phil.

Phil chuckled, stepping into the room and acknowleging the shirts with a playful gleam in his eyes. "Come on, Dan! maybe you just need some style like me!" The black haired boy pointed down to his blinding mismatched socks, another moment where Phil's charm shined through his personality.

Dan raised an eyebrow, a hint of skepticism in his voice, defending himself "I don't know, Phil. I'm more of a not colourful clothes kind of person."

Phil shook his head, his smile widening as he reached for a vibrant pink shirt from before, "Trust me, Dan, you'll look epic in this!" The shirt was handed to Dan.

Reluctantly, Dan took the shirt from Phil's  hand, holding it up in front of him with a criticising look on his face. It was certainly a bold choice, definitely could tell it was Phil's though.

As he slipped his current shirt over his head and threw it on the floor for now, he couldn't help but feel a sense of self-consciousness wash over him, he is literally shirtless in front of Phil Lester, this was embarrassing. Catching a glimpse sof himself in the mirror, he grimaced and quickly put the pink shirt on to cover himself, anything was probably better than seeing his own body.

Phil's voice broke through his thoughts, gentle and reassuring, not minding that Dan had gotten changed in front of him. "See, Dan? I told you it would look good on you." The low self confidence could be sensed by Phil like a bad smell. "Maybe you should try wearing colors more often, pink suits you" He shot dan a reassuring smile and sat down beside him.

Dan met Phil's gaze, feeling a warmth spread through him, it was odd to feel the connection, something he had been trying to close off for a long time. The sincerity in Phil's words had made a mark on him, maybe wearing colors wasn't so bad after all, especially when it came with Phil's heart eyes.

Phil respectfully turned away as the other pulled on another pair of jeans, replacing the skinny jeans that were stuck to him before. "I'll be back in a minute," this was announced before Phil left the room to go presumably get changed and to leave Dan alone with his thoughts again.

When Phil returns, something is different within the other. A want is portrayed through Dan's brown eyes and he can't quite figure out what it is. The air was thick and almost choking, like the room was closing in on them.

Phil greeted softly, trying to figure out what had happened in the minutes he had left. "Is everything alright?"Dan turned to face him as he lay on the colourful bed, offering a small smile. "Im just... thinking about stuff."

Phil nodded, though he couldn't shake the feeling that that lingered in the air. Taking a deep breath, he stepped closer to Dan, his heart pounding with anticipation. This was it, he thought, the moment Phil had thought about for so long. It started with Phil sitting down beside Dan again.

Leaning in, Phil brushed his lips against Dan's, a undefinite but heartfelt gesture. Dan's response was hesitant at first, but soon he melted into the kiss, his arms wrapping around the back of Phil's neck as they deepened the connection.

In that moment, it felt like the world fell away, leaving only the two of them, lost in the sweet embrace of each other's lips. The thought being able to do this everyday, if they dated. The key word is if in Dan's head.

Small gasps and heated breaths were exchanged by the both of them as Phil lay Dan down on his double bed, curling his fingers in the brunettes now sweaty hair, Phil was on top of him, playing with his hair, running his hands down the boys sides. He wanted this more than anything but this was too much for him.

Just as things began to heat up, Dan pulled away abruptly, his breaths coming in short, panicked gasps. Phil's heart sank as he watched the fear and uncertainty cloud Dan's expression.

"Dan, what's wrong?" Phil asked, his voice laced with panic. "Did I do something? tell me if I did something, please."

This wasn't supposed to happen. Dan's mind raced with conflicting thoughts, each one more suffocating than the last. What would people think? What would his family say? For a moment he was back in school, getting taunted by the overwhelming calls of "Dan Howell kissed a boy!"

"I- I can't," Dan stammered, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry, Phil, I just... I can't." He rose up from the bed and knew it was nothing on Phil, Phil would think that.

"It's not you, Phil. It's me. I can't do this"

It's like everything in Phil shut off as he stood up, seeming like he got rejected in a school play, "We've got a movie to go see anyway, so, get dressed." Phil's voice was flat and the words were left hanging heavy in the air

Phil's heart sank as he watched Dan put his jacket on and his fluffy hat, his mind racing with a flood of emotions. He wanted to help out, to comfort Dan, to find out what was wrong. He hated seeing him like this.

Feeling the weight of disappointment settle over them like a weighted blanket, Phil cleared his throat. Dan nodded, grateful for the distraction, the vents from before lingered deeply in his mind." Yeah, sounds good, let's go..."

Chapter 3: Cinema

The tension between Dan and Phil was unstable as they sat in the dimly lit cinema, some people chatting as the adverts played at the start. Something they had both discussed hating on their online messaging apps, they had always wanted to go to the cinema together. Their hands mere inches apart every glance, every accidental brush of skin sent them both into a silent frenzy.

As the movie began to play, Dan found it impossible to sit still, he was fidgeting with his fingernails and loose strings, plucking them from the cheap cinema seats. Unable to erase the memory of their awkward encounter earlier, the way Phil's lips had felt against his own, his touched, the way they both had wanted it. Dan felt like he would never be able to do that again, he started to question, why did Phil pick him? what was so special about him? This remained in his mind as his heart pounding with a mixture of longing and dread.

Phil shifted in his seat beside him, his elbow brushing against Dan's arm in the darkness. It was a simple gesture, innocent and unintentional, but it sent a jolt of electricity coursing through Dan's veins, leaving him breathless and unsteady.

Unable to bear the tension any longer, Dan's anxiety flooded his mind, sending him over the edge somewhere between panic and fear. He bolted from his seat, alarming every other person sitting in the cinema. Stumbling blindly through the darkened room with tears streaming down his face until he reached cinema bathroom, thankfully nobody was in here as he collapsed against the cool tiles, his chest heaving with sobs as he struggled to make sense of the emotions that consumed him.

It wasn't just the fear of being judged or rejected, it was quite literally everything, how did he manage to mess everything up? His head ran laps as he looked up at the bright light and then down to his pair of dirty converse, the laces untied from how fast he had run a few seconds prior.

In that moment of vulnerability, Dan picked at the rips in his jeans, gasping for air and barely even feeling like he could breathe, he was more alone than ever, he needed Phil. Quickly, his phone was retrieved from his pocket, shakily, he typed for Phil's contact and messed it up 8 times in total, he decided to give up. His breaths were refusing to fill up his lungs and take in any air.

The cold tiles of the bathroom floor pressed against Dan's trembling body as he curled into himself, his breaths coming in gasps, his chest constricted with a sense of panic. Each inhale felt like burning and was a struggle.

His vision blurred from the amount of tears streaming from his face and the world around him closed in, reduced to  shapes and shadows.

Dan's hands shook as he fumbled for his phone again, his fingers clumsy and uncoordinated. He tried to dial Phil's number, to reach out for him, he felt a wave of frustration and despair growing inside of him, the numbers on his phone unrecognisable by the tears draining from his eyes.

Just as he was about to give up hope, the bathroom door swung open with a soft click, and Phil stepped inside, his eyes widening in alarm at the sight of Dan huddled on the floor.

"Dan! can you hear me?" Phil's voice was stern as he fell to his knees by Dan's side, his hands gentle as he reached out to touch his trembling shoulders.

"Phil," Dan spoke dryly and quietly, like he would break, his voice hoarse with tears. "I... I can't breathe, I'm going to die, oh my god i'm actually going to die" this speech was followed by choked out sobbing.

Phil's expression softened with concern as he knelt beside Dan, wrapping his arms around him in a comforting embrace. "I'm here. Just focus on your breathing, alright? I won't let anything hurt you." He brushed the boys fringe out of the way to caress his face.

Dan closed his eyes, trying to follow Phil's instructions, his hand was clamped immediately to Phil's arm and his head on Phil's shoulder. Slowly, the tightness in Dan's chest began to loosen, the jagged edges of his panic softening into something more bearable. As Phil helped him to his feet, Dan felt a rush of feeling unstable, his legs were shaking from being on the floor.

Together, they made their way out of the cinema and into the cool night air, Phil's arm wrapped protectively around Dan's shoulders. "You're going to be okay, I mean it." Dan sniffled, "I feel like I made a dick out of myself, literally everyone in the cinema saw me run out of there, including you."

"Nothing could make me hate you, Bear"

Phil's words had affected him so dearly, the use of the childhood nickname enveloped his heart. Phil pulled them both into a warm hug before walking to the bus stop with teary eyes, they were getting strange looks from judgemental people but they didn't care, no one had to know about Dan's issues, Phil was there to help him.

"Come on, let's go home"

Chapter 4: TV

The night air nipped at Dan and Phil as they made their way back from the cinema to Phil's house. Dan was visibly shaken, his hands trembling as they walked.

"Hey, are you okay now?" Phil asked, referencing the panic attack, concern evident in his voice as he wrapped an arm around Dan's shoulders, for comfort and for warmth.

Dan nodded, but his trembling only seemed to intensify, all he could remember was the quick flashes of the scene that had occurred in the bathroom.

Once they arrived at Phil's house, Phil led Dan inside and settled him on the couch, fetching a blanket to drape over him.

"Here, try to relax. I'll make us some tea," Phil said, he looked like an idea had popped into his head, "Hold on-" The older was running upstairs before coming back down with something behind his back, giving Dan a grin before pulling out his tiny lion toy, "Ta-dah! Lion is here to make you feel safe." Accepting, Dan took Lion and cuddled with him while Phil was disappearing into the kitchen.

Alone with his thoughts, Dan wrapped the blanket tighter around himself, trying to calm his racing heart. But the memories of the earlier kept flooding back, he probably looked so stupid on the floor, each scene kept replaying in his head.

When Phil returned with two mugs of tea, one was a Hello Kitty design and the other was presumably a mug his family had gotten in a gift shop overseas. Phil set down both mugs with a smile, before noticing that Dan's hands were still shaking, despite his attempts to hide it under the blanket.

"I'm trying my best to help you, I can't do that if you won't talk to me, Bear" Phil sat down on the worn sofa, his voice laced with concern.

The brown haired boy sighed, chewing on his lip, knowing he couldn't hide the truth from Phil any longer. He trusted him more than anyone else in the world.

"It's... about what happened... not at the cinema," Dan confessed, hoping he would remind Phil of what had happened. His voice barely above a whisper. "I... I don't like feeling like I've messed up or that someone is angry with me, I could see the disappointment on your face."

Phil frowned, sitting down beside Dan and placing a comforting hand on his knee.

Dan hesitated at the touch, unsure if he was ready to open up about this part of his past, Phil deserved to know the truth.

"When someone seems mad at me, it reminds me of my home life in Wokingham," Dan began, his voice trembling with emotion, his eyes looking anywhere but at Phil. "My parents... they neglected me. They were always disappointed in me for some shitty reason, no matter what I did. They wanted me to do law and here I am, posting stupid pictures on the internet!" was said sarcastically "My entire life seems to be revolved around the internet, is what my Dad would say. whenever I made a mistake, they made sure I knew how much it hurt them. If i even did anything out of line they would definitely hurt... me"

Tears welled up in Dan's eyes as he spoke, stroking Lion for comfort. The pain of his past still raw after all these years, Phil's presence beside him gave him the courage to continue.

"I feel guilty for leaving my little brother behind, y'know, he will turn out better than me though, I know that" Dan seemed envious of his brother, clearly, his voice breaking as he struggled to hold back his tears. "I-I should have protected him, but I was too scared to stand up to our parents, my dad specifically."

Phil pulled Dan into a tight embrace, holding him close as he let out all the emotions he had been holding back for so long.

Dan began to speak again as the hug ended, "I saw pictures of you and your family, you all looked so happy. In my house there was none of that-" His eyes were glassy.

"I... I grew up in a house where everything was always a mess," Dan began again, his voice trembling with emotion. "No matter how hard I tried to clean up, it was never enough. My dad... he was always angry, always finding something to criticize."

Phil listened in silence, it was selfish of him to want to have the TV on, for background noise, his heart was aching for his friend as he explained the memories of his past.

"It wasn't just the mess," Dan continued, his voice growing stronger with each word and a lingering, shaky breath. "My parents were always so picky about how I looked. They wanted me to be more 'masculine,' whatever the fuck that means. They hated how much I cared about my hair, how I wanted to express myself. My parents said that my clothes were girly and that I wasn't going to get a girlfriend by looking the way I do and they really made me fucking hate myself."
Pain ached in his emotions, he wanted to explain more on the girlfriend part, about being gay. He didn't.

The wounds of his past were reopening with each confession.

"It wasn't until I moved out to live with my Grandma that I realized how toxic my home environment was, yeah I still see my family and everything... but I'm at least grateful to be living with her now." Dan spoke, his voice breaking as he admitted that this is what had shaped him into the person he was today. "I've spent years trying to unlearn the lessons they taught me, trying to rebuild myself from the ground up, they always seem to get into my head no matter what. I'm actually insecure about my looks and just... everything really, I blame them."

"You're so brave for sharing this with me, Dan," Phil spoke, his voice filled with admiration. "You've been through so much, but you've never let it define you. I'm honored to know you, Bear"

In that moment, Dan felt a weight lift from his shoulders, leaving behind a sense of security he had never known before. As he clung to Phil, he knew that he had finally found the acceptance and understanding he had been searching for all his life, anxious thoughts still pondered in his mind about his sexuality.

As Dan and Phil sat in the living room, a heavy silence hung between them. Dan fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, his mind swirling with unspoken words. He wanted to tell Phil about his sexuality, to let him in on the 'dirty little secret' he had been hiding from everyone for so long, but fear held him back.

Phil glanced over at Dan, sensing the tension radiating from his friend and broke the silence. "You alright, Dan?" he asked, concern dripping from his voice.

Dan's heart pounded in his chest as he debated whether to confess or to bury his feelings deeper. "Yeah, I'm fine, that was just heavy on me." he replied, forcing a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes and sipping on the now cold tea.

-

Memories of their intimate encounter in Dan's room flashed through his mind, the warmth of Phil's touch still lingering on his skin, his hot breath on his neck, his neck was sensitive. Dan pushed those thoughts aside, dismissing them as nothing more than a moment of just Phil wanting to mess around with his friend.

He couldn't risk ruining their friendship by admitting his true feelings, especially if Phil didn't feel the same way, it would be embarrassing and probably break Dan down into dust. So instead, Dan stayed in silence, burying his emotions beneath years of carefully constructed and well planned out walls.

Phil finally had his chance to turn on the TV as he told Dan to put his head in his lap, just for comfort. The offer was taken as Dan lay there, feeling himself drifting in and out of sleep.

Once he had finally fallen asleep, Phil began threading his fingers through the sleeping boy's hair, he couldn't help it. He was cute, in Phil's opinion, the most beautiful person he'd ever seen in his life he thinks.

Phil didn't want to wake Dan up so he carefully planned his movements by standing up and leaving Dan to rest on his sofa, he fought against his thoughts before pressing a soft kiss to the top of his hair, hoping Dan wouldn't even realise it. He took himself up to bed as he didn't want to move him around and wake him up.

Dan was left alone with the TV still on, he opened his eyes as he had felt the impact from the kiss on his hair, he was so... confused by this. 'just another ... friendly thing to do' Dan had talked to himself in his head for a little bit and then eventually fell back to sleep.

Chapter 5: Coffee

Dan stirred on Phil's cozy sofa, greeted by the soft northern morning light filtering through the curtains. A smile danced across his lips as he reminisced about the gentle kiss Phil had placed upon his head earlier, it made him feel bubbly, it was just a simple gesture that filled his heart with warmth and yearning for more moments like that.

Phil waltzed down the stairs, his bright emoji pyjamas and energy filling the room quickly. He proposed a coffee run to a cosy family-owned café nearby, already having taken care of Dan's laundry but reminding him that he'd still need to borrow some of Phil's clothes. "While you were sleeping, I put your clothes in the washer and now they're in the drier. You'll still need to borrow my clothes for now."With a playful grin, Phil led Dan to his room, selecting a black graphic t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans for him. "I think this is more 'danisnotonfire', it's all black."

"It's great Phil," again, a playful smile was placed on Dan's face. "can I use the shower?" Phil had hit his shoulder in a friendly way to say "go ahead, you're living here for the next like week anyway."

Dan nodded and walked towards the bathroom, it was a peachy colour making it look kind of like a grandmother's bathroom, he smiled as it was probably Phil's mum's idea. Dan found himself lost in a moment of thinking as he stood before the mirror in the bathroom. Removing the clothes he was wearing to strip him bare for the shower, he traced his fingers over the scars that covered his skin, he couldn't help but be brought back to the moments of pain and struggle that had left their mark for all different reasons. A pang of shame washed over him at the thought of Phil seeing them, fearing judgement or pity from the person he cared for most in the world. Phil in his mind would laugh at him.

The shower was a little too hot as he stepped out of it, using a flower patterned towel to dry himself. He thought if he rushed now to leave the bathroom Phil wouldn't have to see him with just a towel on, so he attempted.

Dan opened the bathroom door and bolted for Phil's room, thinking something was wrong Phil clearly walked from another room to see him with just the towel, "Sorry!!" Phil covered his eyes and then shouted in when Dan shut the door, "I thought there was an emergency."

Dan shouted back "It's okay! I'm okay!" in his teasing voice, he was more worried that Phil had actually saw him this way. As Dan looked around the room he saw that Phil had left out his clothes, hairbrush and straighteners for him, a simple but kind gesture he appreciated a lot.

Now that he thought about it, he smelled like Phil, it was heartwarming. Their scents were soon mixed as Dan sprayed his own cologne and deodorant onto himself before putting his clothes and of course fluffy hat on.

-

Walking side by side down the empty street, Dan and Phil submerged in each other's company as they made their way to the café. Phil had teased Dan for not wearing his belt, saying something about how he could 'see full crack', making Dan snort as it showed his leopard print boxers with the almost fully black outfit, a look honestly. Ordering their favorite caramel macchiatos, Dan went for a small breakfast sandwich while Phil chose a wrap, their tastes perfectly complementing each other as always.

Throughout the morning, they took photos and shared laughs, sharing their adventures on Dailybooth with playful captions that only them and their countless amount of inside jokes could understand. It was during their long, late night conversations, where they shared their dreams, fears, and everything in between, that Dan felt the deepest connection to Phil, grateful for his support and understanding.

As they sat together, Phil wiped his mouth with a napkin as Dan yapped on about something he was passionate about, using his hands to describe certain things. They were interrupted by one of the café workers, a cheery red headed girl who just seemed happy to work there, who couldn't help but comment on what a cute couple they made as their outfits were contrasting, Phil was wearing a green short sleeved flannel with black jeans and blue converse, Dan was basically the opposite. Blushing furiously, Dan and Phil exchanged shy glances, their hearts beating in sync as they realized just how much they meant to each other in that moment of sweet affirmation.

-

As they walked back from the café, the chilly air of the afternoon surrounded them, a comfortable silence lingering between Dan and Phil. Phil kicked a pebble ahead, his hands deep in his warming pockets.

"So, um, Dan," Phil started, glancing sideways at him, "my parents left me some money. Not just gonna spend it all on sweets, though." He smiled and did the tongue habit, Dan noted subconsciously.

Dan raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing on his lips. "What, not going to indulge in your sweet obsession? thought you were just gonna spend all that money on like.. Fanta or cola bottles, something like that!" Dan mocked playfully.

Phil chuckled, nudging him lightly. "Hey, I have refined tastes, you know. If it were you, you would of ate about a billion boxes of Maltesers." He winked.

They reached Phil's doorstep, and Phil fumbled with his keys before pushing the door open. The warmth from inside enveloped them, the fireplace wasn't lit but it had still kept the house toasty. Dan couldn't help but feel a sense of home settling in.

"Thanks for staying, by the way," Phil spoke and then continued, "I know it's not as exciting as the city, but..."

Dan shrugged, interrupting him, a small smile tugging at his lips. "No, it's nice. Besides, I like spending time with you, Phil."

Phil's cheeks flushed slightly pink, a shy smile spreading across his face. "Yeah, I like spending time with me too!" This was again sarcasm, something they both enjoyed doing.

They settled on the couch, the soft glow of the afternoon sun casting a warm ambiance around them. Phil pulled out the money his parents had left from the drawer beside his TV, counting it out carefully in his head.

"So, what should we do with this?" Phil asked, looking over at Dan.

Dan pondered for a moment, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Well, we could be totally fat and order food and have a movie marathon? Or maybe finally play Dance Dance Revolution, like we talked about on our chat."

Phil's eyes lit up with excitement, he knew Dan was a fan of this game and they had previously brought it up in their conversation online. "Ooh, that sounds fun! Let's do both!" Phil stimmed a little.

So, they spent the next hour joking and enjoying each other's company, Dan had shouted "PILLOW FIGHT!" and then began to smack Phil playfully with the living room pillows, Phil joined in and they were sharing giggles. Though they weren't dating, to anyone watching, they seemed like the perfect couple, like that girl in the café earlier, they were completely in sync and didn't need anyone else to be content in each other's presence.

Once they had calmed down from their pillow fight, Dan had realized a few feathers had fallen out of the pillow he was using. "So... Phil... don't get mad but your pillow has literally just given birth." Phil chuckled a little, he couldn't be mad at Dan, "my parents are gonna kill us but whatever, let's just shove the feathers back in and zip it up, act like nothing happened?" Dan nodded, "act like nothing happened, got it!"

-

"It's starting to get dark, I'm going to have to actually go get our food now."

Phil wrapped himself in his coat, the cold air nipping at his cheeks as he stepped out onto the quiet street. His iPod queued up some Muse, setting the soundtrack for his walk. The songs he listened to were just a few of their greatest hits. Each note carried him through the frosty evening, he knew the songs so well, they were so familiar and he had loved Muse for a long while. His breath was forming clouds in the air as Phil made his way to the Chinese takeaway, the warmth from the small building reeled him inside. Recalling their order they had discussed, he placed it with a smile. They were going to share a special curry, Phil wanted rice and Dan wanted chips, they also got some vegetable spring rolls and prawn crackers. With the aroma of food in the white takeaway bag, he thanked the cashier. Phil decided to take a different route home, his mind drifting to childhood memories. He reminisced about callign Dan until the early hours of the morning, their laughter echoing through both of their houses, they had gotten in trouble so many times. He remembers Dan showing his family dog on call multiple times and showing off his DDR skills.

Lost in thought, Phil found himself at the corner shop, seeking comfort in some treats. He picked up a sharing bag of Maltesers for Dan and then a large Ribena, he made his way to the checkout, exchanging pleasantries with the familiar cashier, he was friends with Phil's parents.

"Evening, Phillip." the cashier greeted with a knowing smile. "Back for your usual?" Phil nodded, returning the smile. "Well not really, Ribena is correct but my mate wanted Maltesers."

-

After paying for his shopping, Phil set off on the long journey home, the weight of the food and his thoughts keeping him company. With each step, memories of Dan danced in his mind, their shared coffee date, it wasn't a date. What are you thinking Phil? He had noticed Dan's little patch of redness that appears when he blushes too much, like when the worker said they were a cute couple. Dan's little red patch was so endearing.

Finally arriving home, Phil took off his coat and hung it up behind the front door, he then locked it. Finding Dan asleep on the sofa in a different white button up shirt, he realised he must of changed his clothes from being sweaty earlier. His features softened in slumber he was unable to resist snapping a picture of Dan, the flash momentarily illuminating the room. Posting it on Twitter, he captioned it, 'wild @danisnotonfire fell asleep,' before uploading the picture with the caption, 'Awr super kawaii ^-^ should I draw on him?'

Chuckling to himself, Phil made his way to the kitchen, setting out their Chinese takeaway and separating it onto plates. As he waited for Dan to wake, he couldn't help but admire the freckles and markings on his face, feeling grateful for the moments they shared together.

When Phil had came back from the kitchen and set the plates down on the coffee table, he had smiled at how Dan was now cuddling Lion, it was so cute. Another picture was taken but this time not posted, only for him to see.

Chapter 6: Sleep

Dan woke up on the sofa, blinking sleepily as he slowly regained consciousness. Rubbing his eyes, he glanced around the room, momentarily disoriented before remembering where he was. Phil was already up, bustling around the kitchen, arranging their Chinese takeaway on the table.

"You're finally awake, sleepyhead," Phil greeted with a grin, setting a plate of food in front of Dan. "You've been out cold since I left to get food."

Dan blinked, still feeling a bit groggy as he rubbed his eyes, "Really? I don't even remember falling asleep."

Phil chuckled, taking a seat opposite him. "Well, you must have been exhausted. But hey, now that you're up, how about we eat some Chinese and watch Buffyyyy?"

Dan groaned playfully, knowing full well that Phil was a massive Buffy fan. "Do we have to? Your room is practically a shrine to that show, I could literally go and make out with your posters."

Phil pouted, giving Dan his best puppy-dog eyes, in reality they weren't very convincing. "Please, Dan, I just want to share one of the best things ever made, and besides, it's a classic!"

Dan couldn't resist Phil's pleading expression. "Fine, fine, but only because you're AmazingPhil." Wow that was the best Dan could come up with, because he was AmazingPhil, ok. He teased, earning a playful swat from Phil.

With their plates piled on their crossed legs with delicious food, they settled in front of the TV, Buffy playing in all its 90s glory. Dan couldn't help but admit that the show was pretty entertaining, especially with Phil's enthusiastic commentary and him explaining about the character development of some characters, he was rambling on about the set of the show and everything.

An hour passed in a blur as they lost themselves in the world of Buffy, Phil seemed quite proud of himself as he had actually gotten Dan to watch it, even though he has seen this show so many times. Phil then had a mischievous glint in his eye as he suggested setting up Dance Dance Revolution on the living room TV.

"Come on, Dan, you suggested it earlier," Phil teased, grabbing the dance pads from his room and then coming back downstairs."

Dan rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress a grin, it was one of his favourite games. "Fine, but I'm going to literally ruin your dancing career."

As Dan stood up, he basically had declared he was going first as he scrolled through the menu. As he danced to the beat of the colorful arrows on some songs, laughter filled the room. Dan found enjoying the game like usual. Fueled by the competitive spirit between him and Phil. He found his rythm as Phil watched. His movements syncing perfectly with the fast-paced music.

Dan laughed, feeling a rush of adrenaline as he danced, his tiredness fading away with each step. With determination, he tackled one of the most challenging songs in the game, "Keep On Movin" by NMR.

To Phil's amazement, Dan flawlessly executed each move, earning an impressive AA rating, he had gotten it before on call with Phil. They both erupted into cheers, celebrating Dan's unexpected victory.

They then swapped places as Phil clumsily found his rhythm aswell, they both found the game insanely entertaining.

With their hearts racing and their appetites satisfied, Dan and Phil were both sweating as they continued their evening, they enjoyed each other's company and the simple joys of shared interests.

-

As the night drew on, Dan and Phil moved back to the comfort of Phil's bedroom. Phil had insisted they share the bed to make things easier, Dan couldn't shake the nagging feeling of discomfort that gnawed at him.

"I'll sleep on the floor, Phil," Dan muttered, his voice tinged with unease as he bit at his lip.

"Don't be ridiculous, Dan," Phil's eyebrows furrowed, his tone gentle but firm. "We'll share the bed."

Reluctantly, Dan agreed, slipping under the covers beside Phil. The room was surrounded in the soft glow of fairy lights, casting shadows across the walls as Dan hesitated, his fingers playing nervously with the hem of his shirt.

The guilt of even laying beside another man made him heat up quickly, debating if he should take his shirt off, though he was insecure.

"I want to sleep with my shirt off," Dan confessed, his voice barely above a whisper and swallowed his own words.

Phil's eyes softened with understanding as he nodded in agreement, offering Dan a small, reassuring smile. "Whatever makes you comfortable, I really don't mind."

As Dan settled into the bed after throwing his shirt somewhere, Phil couldn't help but admire the delicate markings scattered across his skin as he lay down, the small freckles that danced across his cheeks and shoulders like constellations in the night sky. Despite the intimacy of their shared space, Dan couldn't find peace in sleep.

His mind was a storm of conflicting emotions, his internalized homophobia weighing heavily on his mind. Every touch, every breath felt wrong, tainted by the twisted expectations ingrained in him by years of conditioning.

Phil was clearly asleep by now, he must of been dreaming as he was mumbling out some things that weren't able to decipher. Phil had brushed his hand across Dan's burning skin a couple times, clearly not meaning to as he was fast asleep.

And then, as exhaustion finally began to settle into him, Dan's fragile peace shattered into a million pieces.

In his nightmare he found himself suddenly in, standing before his parents once more, their faces contorted with disgust as they word vomited hurtful words and accusations at him. "You're a disappointment," his father sneered, his voice filled with rejection.

Tears pricked at Dan's eyes as his mother's voice joined the chorus of condemnation. "You'll never be good enough, you're dirty" she spat, her words a searing indictment of his very existence in agreement with his father.

But the nightmare didn't end there. In a cruel twist of fate, Phil appeared before him, his features twisted with revulsion. "You're disgusting, Dan, of course I'd never like you. are you joking? I think you're broken, Dan." Phil echoed with a sinister smile on his face, his voice was a betrayal that cut deeper than any blade.

With a strangled cry and a few gasps, Dan jolted awake, his body drenched in a cold sweat, his heart pounding in his chest like a drumbeat of despair.

He immediately shook the other by shaking his arm, "Please, Phil wake up." This was barely above a whisper. Beside him, Phil stirred, his eyes heavy with sleep, but as he saw the anguish etched on Dan's face, he snapped fully awake, his own heart breaking at the sight.

Without a word, Phil reached out, pulling Dan into his arms and holding him tightly against his chest. He didn't know the details of Dan's nightmare, but he could feel how shaken up he was.

Gently, Phil began to stroke Dan's sweaty fringe, his touch was soothing to Dan's soul. Tracing his fingers over the beauty marks that adorned Dan's skin, Phil whispered words of comfort and reassurance, his voice a soft melody in the darkness.

"It's okay, Dan," Phil murmured, his breath warm against Dan's skin. "You're safe now. I've got you, Bear."

Tears welled in Dan's eyes as he buried his face in Phil's bare chest, his body trembling with the weight of his emotions. "I'm sorry, Phil," he choked out, his voice raw with anguish. "I'm sorry for being so... fucking emotional. these past few days I've been so fucking emotional."

Phil's arms tightened around him, offering a sense of security that Dan had never known. "You have nothing to apologize for, Dan," Phil whispered, his voice filled with love and understanding.

As they sat in a comfortable silence, Phil saw Dan's eyes start to flutter asleep again. He positioned Dan back to the way he was sleeping and wrapped his arms around his waist, "Is this okay, Dan? I'm here for you, here to comfort you. wake me up if anything happens, okay?"

Dan nodded with a slight hum and smiled to himself, of course his body was burning up from the physical touch as they practically spooned in Phil's bed, he was lucky to have Phil.

As they both fell asleep, Dan whispered out a "why did you kiss my head?" He wasn't sure if Phil had heard it.

Chapter 7: Glitter

Summary:

Shared hot chocolate and Halloween planning, nothing could go wrong, hopefully!

Dan and Phil wake up in Phil’s bed, Dan’s hair is a little curled up from the sweat of how they spooned. He goes downstairs and reaches into the cupboard in the kitchen while Phil is still asleep. Dan ends up taking out a box of cereal and picking out a pink bowl, making his cereal. He turns and just random drops the cereal box onto the floor. This was a habit he called ‘Butterfingers.’ Phil was secretly standing there and began to laugh in his face.

Dan defends his case saying he has a serious condition of ‘Butterfingers.’ This was an actual thing in his mind and that it wasn’t his fault apparently.

They clean it up together with the floor brush and they don’t think about last night except for Phil checking in on him a tiny bit, caressing his shoulder.

As it gets later Dan and Phil sit in the family living room, Phil lets out a positive gasp of realisation, like an actual light bulb turned on his head, what was he thinking about? Phil brought the pair to find his family’s halloween decoration in the attic.

As they mess around with silly masks, glitter and teased eachother playfully, Dan suggests they watch some movie to get them in the mood for Halloween. After going through the family DVD collection for at least 20 minutes, they decided to watch Jennifer’s Body.

-

“Megan Fox is like… so pretty!” Phil speaks as he seems entranced, Dan doesn’t let Phil see this but he narrows his eyebrows a little bit, “I bet I would be her if I was a girl.” The brown haired boy barges in like he’s trying to win some type of argument.
“Yeah right, Dan… or should i call you *Megan Fox*?” Phil rolled his eyes playfully.

Dan laughs out and when Jennifer eats somebody, Phil speaks “I think that’s how you would cannibalise me if I was a large Malteser” Dan can’t stop laughing, he holds his stomach physically to bark out a laugh, finding Phil’s imagination so oddly intriguing. Phil opens the drawer beside the sofa and mentions, “I got these for you yesterday, speaking of Maltesers.”

Dan smiles at him and grabs the packet, opening it and eating a few. The two share the packet and some Ribena.

The clock on the wall ticked away as Dan and Phil resumed their activities in preparation for Halloween. The excitement was in the air. Phil's bedroom, usually a nerdy explosion of how Phil’s brain would look if it was physically dumped inside a bedroom, was now a party of decorations, Bats dangled from the ceiling, fake cobwebs clung to every surface (Dan’s idea) and a particularly menacing skeleton was propped up in the corner who they had called Susan. Phil's speakers blasted their well-loved music, and the familiar sound of Muse filled the room.

Dan hummed along, occasionally pausing to belt out a few lines, his voice mixing with their favourite bands’. He glanced over at Phil, who was trying to tape a banner above the window, his tongue poking out in concentration. The banner read "Happy Halloween" in glittery letters, and Dan had to admit it looked pretty good.

"Pass me the tape, Dan," Phil spoke, his tone was unable to read, he seemed a little stressed, his voice slightly muffled as he stretched up to reach the top of the window.

Dan tossed the roll of tape to Phil, who caught it with one hand. "Thanks."

As they continued to work, Dan couldn't help but notice Phil's growing discomfort. He was scratching at his arms and groaning every time a stray piece of glitter found its way onto his skin. After a particularly violent scratch, Phil finally sighed and dropped the banner.

"I feel icky," he declared, his face scrunched up in mild agony. "This glitter is driving me insane. It's like it's alive and some actual Halloween monster trying to burrow into my skin."

Dan chuckled. "Maybe it is. Maybe it's secretly Halloween magic."

Phil rolled his eyes, but his smile was genuine. "Very funny. I feel gross. I'm going to take a shower before I lose my mind. Can you put up that demonic glitter banner?"

"Fineee” Dan replied. He watched as Phil made his way to the bathroom, grateful for a moment to catch his breath. He knew how sensitive Phil could be to sensory overload, and the glitter seemed to be pushing him to his limit.

As Phil disappeared into the bathroom, Dan found himself alone and wandered into the living room. He started tidying up the scattered decorations so they wouldn’t have to worry about it later. The sound of running water from upstairs was a comforting reminder that Phil was taking care of himself.

Phil, meanwhile, stood under the hot stream of the shower, feeling the tension melt away with the glitter and he began to use his favourite soap. He let the water wash over him, soothing his irritated skin and clearing his mind. As the steam filled the bathroom, he couldn't help but think about Dan. The way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, the way he always seemed to know exactly what to say to make Phil feel better, even if it was silly or nots Phil smiled to himself, feeling a warmth that had nothing to do with the hot water. Dan was so special to him and the more time they spent together, the more Phil realized just how much he meant to him.

Downstairs, Dan was startled out of his thoughts by the shrill ring of the house phone. He glanced at it, debating whether to answer. He wasn't sure if he should pick up. The phone rang again, more insistent this time, taking a deep breath, he decided to answer.

"Hello?" Dan said, his voice slightly shaky.

"Hello, is this Dan?” came the friendly voice on the other end.

"Yes, Mrs. Lester, is everything ok?" Dan replied, feeling a bit more at ease.

"Yes, dear. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I just wanted to check in and see how you and Phil are doing."

Dan smiled, touched by her concern. "We're good. Just getting ready for Halloween. Phil's in the shower right now. We were putting up some decorations."

"That sounds lovely," Mrs. Lester said warmly, the tone of her voice was very inviting. “I'm glad to hear you're having fun. Phil hasn't been this excited about anything in a long time. It's nice to see him so happy."

Dan felt a surge of pride. "Yeah, we've been having a great time. He's really amazing."

There was a brief pause before Mrs. Lester spoke again. "Don't tell Phil I told you this, but you mean a lot to him, Dan, he talks about you allllll the time."

Dan's heart skipped a beat. "Really? I mean, I didn't realize..."

"Yes, love, really," she said with a laugh. "It's quite obvious how much he cares about you. I'm glad he has you in his life."

Dan got a little emotional but decided to suck it up. He was about to respond when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. "Thank you, Mrs. Lester. That means a lot."

"Take care, dear, have a wonderful Halloween!”

"You too," Dan replied, hanging up just as Phil entered the room.

Phil had changed into a pair of tie-dye shorts that Dan found particularly harsh. His hair was still damp, a towel slung around his shoulders. "How do I look?" Phil asked, doing a little twirl.

Dan couldn't help but laugh. "Those shorts are hideous, Phil." His nose had wrinkled up a little bit.

Phil grinned. "Well, I think they're fabulous. Ready to get back to decorating?"

"Absolutely," Dan said, feeling a new sense of warmth and closeness to Phil. As they resumed their Halloween preparations, he couldn't shake the feeling that this was something special.

-

Dan and Phil had decided to take a break from decorating to indulge in one of their favourite things: making hot chocolate!

The kitchen was warm and inviting, filled with the aroma of cocoa and a hint of cinnamon as it was nicely arranged, Dan had commented on this and found out that Phil’s mother liked to keep it this way. Phil rummaged through the cupboards, pulling out ingredients that came from years of familiarity. Dan watched him, leaning against the counter and taking in the comforting atmosphere.

"How do you like your hot chocolate, Dan?" Phil asked, placing a large pot on the stove.

"Extra marshmallows, obviously," Dan replied with a grin. "And maybe a sprinkle of cinnamon if you have it."

Phil nodded, reaching for the cocoa powder and sugar. “I'll make sure to drown it in marshmallows."

As Phil busied himself with mixing the ingredients, Dan grabbed two mugs from the cupboard, he was already used to where everything was stored. The mugs were mismatched. He set them on the counter and watched as Phil stirred the pot of chocolatey goodness.

"Do you have any traditions for Halloween?" Dan asked, genuinely curious. "Other than going all out with the decorations, of course."

Phil laughed, his eyes twinkling with the reflection of the warm kitchen lights. "When I was a kid, my family and I would always carve pumpkins together. We'd try to make them as spooky as possible and then put them in the front yard to scare the kids, we'd always end the night with a scary movie marathon."

“What about you?”

Dan's fingers tightened slightly around his mug, his gaze dropping to the hot chocolate within the mug. He took a deep breath, preparing to share a piece of his past that he usually kept hidden. "Well, if I'm being honest, my childhood Halloweens weren't the best."

Phil's expression softened, a mixture of concern and empathy evident in his eyes. "What do you mean?"

Dan sighed, the memories flooding back with a mix of sadness and resignation. "My dad was an alcoholic. He was usually too drunk to take us trick-or-treating, and my mum... she didn't really care to be honest, she was really distant, more focused on her own issues than on making sure we had a good time."

Phil's heart ached for Dan. "That sounds really hard, Dan. I'm so sorry."

Dan nodded, appreciating Phil's understanding. "It was hard, my grandma tried to make up for it, though. She took me and my brother out a few times. Those were the best Halloweens I remember… We'd dress up in whatever costumes we could find in her attic-“ This made him lighten up a little bit. “She'd take us around her street. My brother always got more candy because he was more cheerful than me, but I didn't mind. It was just nice to feel normal for a little while."

Phil squeezed Dan's arm gently, his touch was a reassuring presence. "Your grandma sounds like a wonderful person. I'm glad she was there for you."

Dan agreed with a small smile tugging at his lips as he remembered the warmth and kindness his grandma had shown. "But those times were probably the only fun I’d had on those Halloweens. Most Halloweens, I'd just stay home, watching other kids have fun from my boring bedroom window."

Phil's eyes were filled with empathy and determination. "Dan, I can't change the past, but I want to make sure you have amazing Halloweens from now on, with me. We'll make new traditions and make sure they're filled with fun and happiness, I’ll make sure of it”

Dan looked up, meeting Phil's sincere gaze. There was a warmth and promise in Phil's eyes that made him feel hopeful. "Thanks, Phil. That really means a lot to me." He chewed on his lip a little, tasting the chocolate residue.

Phil smiled, his eyes sparkling with a mix of mischief and affection. "This Halloween, we're going to make it unforgettable. We'll have the best costumes, go to the best parties, and eat way too much sweets until we’re sick. If you ever want to talk about anything like at all I'm here for you, I promise.”

Dan nodded, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders. "I appreciate that. Really, I do."

They sat in silence for a few moments, the only sound the occasional crackle of the candle wicks they had lit earlier on, Dan felt a sense of peace he hadn't known in a long time, grateful for Phil's presence and understanding.

"Let's make a pact," Phil said suddenly, sitting up a bit straighter.

"A pact? seriously?" Dan laughed, intrigued.

"Yeah," Phil said, his grin widening. "From now on, every Halloween, we'll do something fun and memorable together. We'll create new traditions, ones that we can look back on and smile about, even if they’re stupid they will still be fun to look back on, maybe the memories of us just projectile vomiting on some woman’s halloween costume”

Dan's smile grew as he laughed feeling a sense of comfort and hope. "It's a pact then!"

They shook hands, sealing their promise with determination. As they settled back into the sofa, their conversation shifted to lighter topics- costumes, parties, and all the possibilities. Dan felt a new sense of excitement for the future.

"So," Phil began, breaking the silence, "have you thought about what you're going to dress up as for Halloween?"

Dan grinned, setting his mug down on the coffee table. "I've got a few ideas. I was thinking about maybe going as a vampire. It's classic, and I already have most of the clothes for it."

"I think I’ll go as Buffy” Phil joked a little, “I could always go as a ghost, I could put a tablecloth on my head with eyeholes cut out."

Dan laughed. "That would be hilarious. And very low effort. I think you could pull off something more elaborate."

Phil looked thoughtful, sipping his hot chocolate. "What about… We could coordinate and go as something together."

Dan's eyes lit up at the idea. "Yes! We could be, like, animals or something… and no I’m not a furry!”

Phil tapped his chin thoughtfully, looking over the assortment of costume pieces they had spread out on the coffee table.

Phil's face broke into a wide smile. "I love that idea. How about you be a bear… well yknow because you’re ’Bear’”
Dan blushed a little bit, feeling a thrill of excitement. "We'll be the best-dressed pair at any Halloween party as the two furries with no friends!” Dan laughed sarcastically.

Dan grinned, a spark of inspiration lighting up his eyes. "Actually, I think I have an idea. Do you remember that old fluffy costume you made for a school project?"

Phil's eyes widened in recognition. "Oh my God, I haven't thought about that in ages! I can't believe you remember me telling you on Skype about that thing."

"Of course I do," Dan laughed. "It was legendary. Do you still have it?"

Phil nodded, already standing up. "Yeah, I think it's in a box in the attic. Let me go check."

Dan watched as Phil disappeared up the stairs, excitement bubbling up inside him. The bear costume had been one of Phil's more ambitious projects—a full-body, fluffy costume complete with hand warmers to keep his ‘paws’ cozy. It was perfect for a last-minute Halloween costume, they had spent all day decorating instead of thinking of costumes.

A few minutes later, Phil returned, holding the costume. "Found it! And it still looks as ridiculous as ever."

Dan took the costume from Phil, holding it up to examine it. "It's perfect. I'll be the best bear at the party."

Phil chuckled. "You’ll definitely be the *only* bear at the party!” “and for me... I think I'll go with a classic cat… how about homemade cat ears and my plaid purple jacket?"

"Sounds epic!," Dan smiled, already envisioning how cute Phil would look. "Let's start before we get too tired and have to show up to this meetup in bin bags."

-

They got to work, Dan slipping into the bear costume to make sure it fit while Phil dug through his drawers for the cat ears, he had owned them for a Dailybooth picture he took once. The costume was surprisingly well-preserved. The hand warmers were a nice touch, making the costume both practical and adorable.

Phil found his cat ears—a pair he had made using a tartan pattern to ‘match’ his favorite plaid jacket. He carefully placed them on his head, adjusting them until they were just right. Then he pulled on his plaid jacket, completing the look.

Dan stepped back, taking in Phil's appearance with a smile. "You look fantastic. Very... Phil."

Phil laughed, striking a playful pose. "And you look unbearably cute. Get it? Unbearably."

Dan groaned, but he couldn't help but laugh. "Okay, that was terrible. But I'll let it slide because you look good."

They stood in front of the living room mirror, admiring their costumes. Dan's bear costume was a perfect fit, the fluffy fabric making him look both adorable and slightly ridiculous. Phil's homemade cat ears and plaid jacket gave him a quirky, endearing look that suited him perfectly.

“Alright, we can take them off now and wait until tomorrow.” Phil said, turning to Dan with a grin.

"You know, we could always crash a few parties in these outfits. Imagine the reactions."

-

As they got ready for bed they were extremely excited for the day ahead of them, let’s hope nothing could ruin it. As if it were a part of their usual routine, they fell asleep spooning like usual.

Chapter 8: Drunk

Summary:

Read this chapter with care please, take care of yourself. A lot of heavy topics are involved.

The first rays of sun filtered through Phil’s dusty blinds, casting a soft, golden glow over the cluttered and decorated room. Phil was the first to stir, his arm flopping lazily over the covers as he reached for his phone on the bedside table. A quick glance at the screen confirmed it—Halloween day.

"Dan, wake up," Phil murmured, nudging the slumbering and drooling mess beside him. Dan groaned in protest, burrowing deeper into the misshapen pillow. Phil chuckled, a sound filled with fondness. "Come on, we’ve got a lot to do today, Bear. It’s Halloween!"

"Five more minutes," Dan mumbled, voice muffled by the pillow, he didn’t sound interested at all.

"Nope, up you get," Phil insisted, yanking the covers off Dan to reveal his bare torso. Dan yelped at the sudden exposure to the air, sitting up with a disgruntled look.

"You're evil, like seriously. what kind of sicko even does that?" Dan muttered, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Maybe, but it's Halloween, so it's allowed, or maybe i’m a big evil morning monster” Phil replied with a grin, hopping out of bed and stretching.

"Likely story!" Dan conceded with a yawn and a small smile, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "Shower first?"

Phil nodded, already heading towards the bathroom. "I'll be quick."

Phil slipped into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind him. He leaned against the sink for a moment, glancing at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes traced the contours of his face, lingering on the faint shadows under his eyes—a testament to the late-night banter session he had with Dan and the decorating too, of course.

With a deep breath, he pushed off the sink and reached into the shower, twisting the dial until a steady stream of hot water flooded down. Steam began to fill the small space, creating a warm, enveloping enclosure. Phil shed his clothes. He stepped into the shower, sighing as the hot water hit his skin, washing away the lingering remnants of sleep.

True to his word, Phil emerged a few minutes later, hair damp and tousled, towel wrapped around his waist. "Your turn," he announced.

Dan grabbed his toiletries and shuffled into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. The sound of water running soon followed, along with snippets of Dan's off-key singing to Evanescence.

-

Phil kept himself busy in his room, digging out their costumes from a pile of clutter on the floor. He laid out Dan's fluffy torso piece with matching hand warmers on the bed, smiling at the ridiculousness of it, it would look cute on Dan.

Dan returned, hair dripping and skin flushed from the hot shower, smelling incredible.

They both dressed quickly, turned away from eachother. The room filled with the shuffling of the floor and the occasional sound of zippers and buttons. Dan struggled with his fluffy torso piece, grumbling under his breath. Phil couldn't help but laugh.

"Need help?" Phil asked, already moving to assist.

"Yes, please," Dan replied, arms trapped awkwardly in the costume. Phil turned around and with his help, he finally managed to get into it properly. "Thanks."

-

They sat cross-legged on Phil's bed, facing each other. Phil held up a permanent marker, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he drew silly bear cheeks on Dan's face and cupped his face, the embrace was nice. Dan squirmed a bit, trying to hold still, “Oh for fucks sake, Phil, you’re like pinching my cheeks how my grandma would” Dan rolled his eyes.

"Almost done, stay still Daniel" Phil murmured, adding the finishing touches. "There. Perfect."

Dan grabbed the marker, grinning mischievously. "My turn!” He carefully drew whiskers and a nose on Phil's face, pausing occasionally to make sure everything was symmetrical. "What a babe magnet," he cackled, capping the marker.

"Clearly!" Phil giggled, peering at his reflection in a nearby mirror. "Not bad."

Phil straightened his hair once it dried, Dan didn’t bother that day.

They made their way to the kitchen, where Phil poured bowls of cereal, Shreddies. Carrying their breakfast to the sofa, they plopped down, turning on the TV. The weatherman's overly enthusiastic predictions about the day's weather drew immediate mockery.

"Who actually cares about the weather on Halloween? It’s not like it’s gonna fucking rain sweets" Dan scoffed between bites of cereal.

"Apparently, it does," Phil replied with a laugh. "Look at him go on about the possibility of rain, nobody even cares that much I’m gonna be honest.”

"I bet he's dressing up as a rain cloud," Dan said, making Phil snort milk through his nose.

They chatted for a while, discussing the upcoming meetup and the people they were excited to see. Dan talked animatedly about a DDR level he had tried to get his brother to play, he fell on his face, while Phil shared details about a video game he had been playing.

"Do you think we'll run into anyone we know?" Dan asked, swirling the last bits of cereal around his bowl, anxiety was flooding through him, he didn’t decide to show it. He was scared of people calling him gay in front of so many people, it would remind him of being at school.

"Probably," Phil replied. "It's a pretty big event."

"Oh. More people to show off our amazing faces to!" Dan said with a grin.

Phil laughed. "Yeah, we look ridiculous, but in the best way."

They finished their breakfast, excitement buzzing in the air. It was going to be a fun Halloween, they hoped for the best.

Dan and Phil left their flat, costumes in place, and headed toward the bus stop. The morning air was crisp, carrying the promise of a good day. The path to the bus stop took them down a steep hill that had been nicknamed the "Demonic Hill" by the locals. Phil walked with his typical lanky strides, while Dan followed slightly behind, adjusting his fluffy costume every few steps.

As they reached the bus stop, they settled onto the bench, the bus arriving shortly after. They boarded and found seats beside each other. The bus was unnervingly quiet, the only sounds being the low hum of the engine and the occasional rustle of newspapers. Dan shifted uncomfortably, the silence amplifying his anxieties. He caught snippets of whispers from a few seats behind them.

"Go at it, boys," a teenage boy muttered mockingly, followed by a chorus of snickers by his group.

Dan felt his chest tighten. His internalized homophobia flared up, a familiar, unwelcome presence. He glanced at Phil, who seemed lost in his thoughts, staring out the window. Dan's mind raced, self-doubt and fear gnawing at him like a disease. He clenched his hands into fists, trying to focus on the bumps of the road beneath them instead.

The bus ride seemed to drag on, but they finally reached their stop. Dan and Phil began the fifteen-minute walk to the train station. The streets were busy today, filled with people going about their day. As they approached the station, a group of boys loitering by the entrance spotted them.

"Hey, look at these two," one of the boys sneered. "Ohhh, sorry to interrupt your little date. What a bunch of f—"

Dan felt a surge of anger and shame, his eyes widened as he jumped back as a response. He froze, unable to move or respond. Phil, sensing Dan's distress, stepped forward.

"Back off, move!" Phil said firmly, his voice steady despite the anger boiling beneath. "Leave us alone."

The boys laughed but eventually turned away, muttering under their breaths. Phil took Dan's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Come on, let's get to the train."

-

They boarded the train in silence, finding seats and sitting down. The train was crowded, and the sound of a baby crying a few rows back seemed to cut through Phil like a knife. His autistic sensitivity to noise made it hard for him to focus, but he tried to remain calm for Dan's sake. They sat in silence, Dan staring out the window, his mind still replaying the hurtful words over and over again, what would he do without Phil?

An hour later, they finally arrived at their destination. The meetup was in full swing, and the atmosphere buzzed with excitement. They were greeted by a group of online friends, all dressed in various costumes.

"Hey, Phil! Hey, Dan!" a girl with bright pink hair exclaimed. "You made it!"

"Wouldn't miss it," Phil replied, managing a smile. Dan nodded, feeling a bit of his tension ease in the welcoming environment.

They spent the day playing silly games, laughter and eating a lot of sweets. They joined in on a scavenger hunt, probably made for younger kids. A lot of the meetup comers participated in a costume contest, and even tried their hand at some ridiculous party games. It was a welcome distraction from the morning's events.

As the day turned into evening, a girl with a black fringe approached them. "There's a big party happening later. You two should come. It'll be fun!"

Dan and Phil exchanged a glance and shrugged. "Ok, why not?" Dan replied with a shrug.

Dan and Phil sat on a fountain as it got later and ate some cotton candy.

-

The party was in full swing by the time they arrived, the house packed with people. Music thumped loudly, and the scent of alcohol filled the air. Dan grabbed a cup of Malibu, downing it quickly. The warmth of the alcohol spread through him, making him feel a bit more relaxed.

As the night went on, Dan found himself drinking more than he intended. He became increasingly affectionate, leaning against Phil and wrapping an arm around his shoulders as he sat down, "You're the best, you know that?" Dan slurred, his words slightly garbled.

Phil laughed, though the noise and chaos of the party were starting to get to him. "You're drunk, Dan," he giggled, gently pushing him off.

"I am not, I’d definitely neverr do that, why would I do thaaat?" Dan protested and used his fingers to ‘walk’ them up Phil’s shoulder in a playful manner. He threw himself onto Phil’s lap though he stumbled slightly, nobody at this party even seemed to care. “Those lights are so loud.” Dan huffed like it made sense. This made Phil giggle, “Okay Dan, you sure you’re feeling okay?”

Dan took a while to process the question as he sat on Phil’s knee and stared at him with his fully blown pupils, “well yeahh I’m okay, just not drunk!” Dan hiccuped and scrunched his nose, he was clearly confused. “Soooo do you like want to make out or something? I don’t know, could be fun” Dan moved Phil’s fringe out of his face and giggled like a teenage girl.

The Halloween party was a riot basically, it had loud music, the atmosphere electric with excitement and depressing British people. The two’s outfits were slightly messy with spilled drinks and food, the permanent marker whiskers and bear cheeks on their faces smudged from the sweat of the night.

Dan was very drunk, his vision blurred and his movements unsteady. He was perched on Phil's lap, his head resting against Phil's shoulder as the room spun around him. The one constant in his haze was the feel of Phil's body beneath him, the warmth was everything to him.

Their lips met in a heated kiss, Dan's breath mingling with Phil's, tasting of alcohol and desperation. It was everything he’d ever wanted. Each kiss was a lifeline, keeping Dan closer to reality. He pulled away briefly, eyes half-closed and a silly grin on his face.

"Phil," Dan slurred, his words tumbling over each other, "did you know... if you eat too much cheese, you turn into a cheeseball?" He giggled, nuzzling Phil's neck.

Phil chuckled, his hands resting on Dan's waist. "You're making that up."

"No, it's true," Dan insisted, his head flopping to the side along with his emo fringe.

The music shifted to Toxic by Britney Spears, and Dan's eyes lit up with recognition. He started to sing along, his voice wavering and off-key, very loudly as it got a few stares.

Phil laughed, holding Dan steady. "You're getting the lyrics all wrong."

Dan pouted, poking Phil's cheek playfully. "I’m sooo good at singing, Phil. Don't... don't you forget it!”He giggled again, then his expression turned earnest. "Phil, I just... I want someone like you. Your height, your weight. Someone to hug and kiss and touch me all of the time."

Phil's heart swelled, a soft smile spreading across his face. "You've got me, Dan, You’re okay" Phil talked him through the drunkness.

Dan's eyes were glassy, but he managed to focus on Phil's face. “Good, 'cause... you're perfect. My perfect Phil." He giggled and bit his lip. He leaned in for another kiss, his movements slow and uncoordinated but filled with affection.

Their lips met over and over again, each kiss more passionate than the last. Dan's hands roamed over Phil's shoulders, bringing them down a little further. He pulled away briefly, his lips brushing against Phil's ear. “You're like...the best. And I just wanna cuddle you forever.”

Phil smiled, laughing a little as his arms were tightening around Dan. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Dan pulled back just enough to look at Phil, his eyes filled with drunken sincerity. “Good. Cause you’re the best person ever. like ever.

Phil kissed him again, their movements becoming more frenzied, the world outside their little corner fading into oblivion. Dan started humming along with the music again, his version of the lyrics barely coherent. “Toxic... somethin… somethin…”

Phil laughed into the kiss, his heart full. Dan’s silly, endearing personality shone through his drunken haze, making Phil fall even harder for him. They kissed deeply, the noise and lights of the party fading into the background, leaving just the two of them in their own little world.

Dan pulled back one last time, a goofy smile on his face. “Phil, take me home.”

Phil, though tipsy, knew what Dan’s intentions were, it made him freeze up a little bit, Dan was drunk. He still had his wits about him. “Dan, you’re drunk,” he said sternly.

Dan's face fell, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout. "But…," he whined, flopping himself dramatically on the couch. His entire body took a reaction to the impact, eyes rolled back as he gagged, and suddenly he threw up down the side of the sofa.

Phil quickly moved to rub Dan's back, trying to comfort him. “Oh… It’s okay, Dan. Just breathe through your nose, it’ll be over in a second.”

Dan groaned, leaning into Phil's touch, his body trembling. “I’m sorry, ugh I’m such a messsss, why do you even like me?” He dragged on as he mumbled, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Shh, it’s alright,” Phil soothed, his hand moving in slow circles on Dan’s back. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Phil helped Dan to his feet. The party continued around them, but in that moment, all that mattered was taking care of each other. Dan, despite his drunken state, felt a profound sense of love and gratitude.

“I’m going to go to the toilet Dan, you’ll be okay”

Heading out to the back garden for some fresh air. The cool air hit him like a wave, and he promptly threw up in the bushes. He wiped his mouth, feeling a bit better but still woozy.

When he re-entered the house, he couldn't find Phil anywhere. Panic set in as he searched through the crowded rooms. A girl with heavy makeup who was dressed up as a vampire and had a seductive smile approached him, draping herself over him. "Hey there, you’re so pretty, aren’t you?” she purred, pressing kisses to his neck and cheek, attempting to leave a mark.”

Dan tried to push her away, his mind clouded and his movements sluggish. He was still nowhere near sober "What are you doing?" he mumbled, looking around desperately for Phil

The girl leaned in closer, one of her friends had snapped a picture and showed it to a couple of people. Unfortunately, Phil was included, his expression one of concern and anger. "Get off him," Phil snapped, pulling Dan away. Dan began to thank him only to get shut off, Phil wasn’t doing it to help him, he was doing it because he thought Dan intentionally was kissing that girl.

"Phil, I…" Dan began, his words failing him as tears welled up. He stumbled as he stood up, the blood leaving his face and body, it felt like. The Halloween party was still in full swing, the atmosphere charged with energy. The bright lights and loud music created a sensory overload that was overwhelming.

Anger and hurt surged through him, his mind racing with thoughts of betrayal. He stormed over to Dan, his face a mask of fury.

"Dan, what the hell was that?" Phil shouted, his voice cutting through the noise of the party. "I thought we had something!"

Dan's eyes widened in panic, his heart beginning to race. "Phil, wait, it's not what you think—"

"Not what I think, hm?" Phil interrupted, his voice rising. "You kissed her? After everything we've been through, done tonight, after all I've done for you, you just go and let some girl be all over you because you feel like it?" Phil had took a swig of his cup of alcohol.

Dan's breath quickened, his chest tightening as the familiar signs of a panic attack began to set in. "Phil, please, listen to me. I didn't—"

Phil's anger seemed to eclipse his ability to listen. "I trusted you, Dan. I thought you felt the same way about me. Why would you do this? You’re fucking sick for doing what you did to me and then doing this, drunk or not.”

Dan's vision started to blur, his hands trembling. He felt like the walls were closing in, the noise of the party becoming a deafening ring in his ears. His hands were tingly and ice cold. "Phil, I—I can't breathe," he managed to gasp, his voice weak. Phil didn’t hear him as he stormed off into another room, pushing past alot of people.

Dan collapsed onto the same sofa he had thrown up on, getting some vomit on his own hair, the sensation so disgusting to comprehend, why did this happen to him, was God punishing him?

Dan pushed open the door to some bathroom and stumbled inside, his legs barely able to support him. He leaned heavily against the sink, his vision swimming as he tried to catch his breath. The panic attack had fully set in now, his thoughts spiraling out of control. He felt like he was suffocating, drowning in a sea of his own guilt and self-loathing. He fucking hated everything, his head was pounding.

The door creaked open, and a random man walked in, followed by a girl with bright pink hair. They both paused, noticing Dan's distressed state.
"Hey, are you okay?" the man asked, stepping closer. Dan shook his head, unable to form coherent words. Tears streamed down his face, his body trembling violently.

The girl with pink hair approached, her eyes filled with concern. "Do you need help? Can we do anything?"

Dan nodded weakly, his breath hitching. "I... I can't breathe," His hands were slapping up and down just as he managed to gasp out. "Okay, just try to breathe with us," the man said gently. "In and out, slowly." The girl took Dan's hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "You're going to be okay. We're here with you."

Dan tried to follow their instructions, matching his breaths to theirs. Slowly, the tightness in his chest began to ease, his vision clearing slightly. He was very grateful for these random people being here.

After a few moments, the couple seemed satisfied that Dan was stable.
"Do you need anything else?" the man asked. He shook his head, forcing a weak smile. "No, thank you. I just need a moment."

They nodded and left, closing the door behind them. Dan locked it, the click of the lock echoing ominously in the small room. He leaned back against the sink, his mind still a whirl of fear and confusion. Phil's angry words replayed in his mind, each one an attack to his already fragile state, he felt alone forever now.

Desperate for an way of relief, he rummaged through the bathroom cabinets in this random house and found a package of shaving blades. His hands shook as he opened it, his thoughts clouded by alcohol and panic.

He wasn't thinking clearly, the need to hurt himself overwhelming all rational thought, he deserved nothing but this.

Dan collapsed to the floor, his back against the cold tile wall. Pressing one of the blades to his arm, the sharp pain cutting through the numbness of his mind.

“So fucking stupid.”

He sobbed into his fist, biting it, the pain a twisted form of relief. Each slice to his skin was a release for now.

He wanted to die there, on that very floor, he never wanted Phil to see him again.

The ringing was getting too loud as his face stayed cold against the tiles on the floor. He cried, he didn’t want to feel this anymore.

His handwarmers, skin and costume were covered in blood by now, he thought he wouldn’t have to deal with the reactions. He was going to die, right?

-

More ringing, was he dead?

Phil sighed, taking Dan's hand in his. "I was scared, Dan. Scared of losing you, Holy fuck. Holy shit, I’m so sorry. Dan.”

Phil’s eyes were shaking as they debated whether or not to cry, they cried anyway.

“Phil, leave me here, please. I can’t do it, I’ve hurt you so bad, I want to die. I want to die!” Dan spoke like he was begging for it, he was practically screaming. No one should ever have to feel like this, he was embarrassed that Dan got into such a state. More ringing.

-

He woke up in a car, bandaged up and in one of Phil’s t-shirts. He didn’t know where he was at all.

Had he passed out for that long?

The car was filled with Phil’s family.

Chapter 9: Care

The car ride home was rough. Phil’s mother and father were there.

Phil’s mother had sat down with Dan and Dan only. “Even if i’m not your mother, it’s hard to see practically a child go through this, i’m here for you, Daniel.”

She took Dan’s rough hands and tried to be gentle around the new bandages on his wrists, so many motherly instincts were shown here, Dan wished his own mother was the same. They had sat in silence the entire time ‘home’, nothing about him showed he wanted to speak until now.

“I don’t want to be this way, I never wanted this to happen, I feel disgusting.”

A hint of sadness was behind his eyes though he kept a blank face, staring at Phil’s caring mother.

Dan had suddenly bursted into hot, messy tears. He latched to Phil’s mother and hiccuped out sobs, they felt never ending. “I’m so sorry for bothering you, I’m sorry for everything”

Phil’s mother placed a kiss to the top of his head and stroked his hair, “I’ll take care of you while you’re here, you’re okay, come on.”

-

Dan was led to the bathroom now with just Phil’s mother, she had run the bath for him. “Thank you, for doing this, i appreciate it.”

Dan had stripped his clothes as he sat in the bath, Phil’s mother had no intention to harm him or make fun of him, it felt so relaxing.

“Can I take those off now, love?” The bandages, she means. Dan nods.

The brown haired boy cringes at the dried blood on the bandages and as it fills the water, she cleans him anyway and then begins to wash his hair.

-

A towel is around Dan as he is brought to Phil’s room, he locks eyes with Phil and breaks down crying as soon as he sees him. He hasn’t seen Phil since he was on that cold floor, he wasn’t dead, he was looking right at Phil. He didn’t think he would.

Phil hops up, he doesn’t care that Dan is in just a towel and hugs him, sniffling into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I’m such a fuck up.”

Dan whispered and Phil felt like it wasn’t right to speak, he rubbed Dan’s back in a soothing motion. “I left clothes out for you, my mum told me too. I’m glad you’re safe.”

A lump had formed in Dan’s throat, he didn’t deserve special treatment, he was supposed to die.

Phil fitted the t-shirt of his own over Dan and made sure to be careful where his wounds were, it was an unspoken rule.
“Do you mind me doing that…?” Phil motioned his eyes down, to help fix his boxers on, Dan didn’t mind. It wasn’t anything that was dirty, a loving gesture.

-

“Your mum helped me take care of myself.” Phil smiled.

Silence.

“We can talk about it, Dan. You know that.” Phil was the one to speak up in the silence of the bedroom, along with some house settling creaks. “I’m really sorry for how I acted, I know what the situation was. It was my fault.

“Don’t… don’t say it was your fault, please” Dan’s lip trembled, he wanted to disappear.

“Okay, I understand. I’m… glad you’re *here*, Dan. I don’t like when you say all of those awful things about yourself, you’re grateful to be alive. You’re here for a reason, you’re safe here. My family basically said you live here now, we’ll provide for you.”

Dan smiled, his tears threatened to fall, it felt like a dream. He wasn’t really sure if he *was* alive or not.

The younger had just put his head on Phil’s shoulder, Phil played with his hair as he spoke quietly, not wanting to startle him, “We don’t have to talk about it, Bear. I was just really worried about you, you’re safe I promise, I’m sorry for that.”

Dan began to sob at the words, he gripped onto Phil’s shoulder, remembering some parts about the making out. “I’m sorry for all of the… weird shit.. i’m sorry for all of that… I really hate myself.

Phil spoke up, “but did you mean it?”

Dan’s dark eyelashes filled with tears as he looked up at Phil’s eyes, then to his lips. “What do you think?”

Both of their cheeks were tinted pink, the mix of crying and genuine attraction and desperation. Dan’s thoughts had changed for once, this was someone who genuinely liked me.

-

Dan fixed himself onto Phil’s lap an smiled, “it feels so much better to be… on your lap and.. well sober.” he giggled as he placed his hands on Phil’s chest, it felt so right and intimate, they were both meant to be there.

Phil’s hands fixated on the younger’s waist that was hidden away under the t-shirt of his own, it was right.

Dan was once again perched on Phil’s lap as they met lips, the kiss deepened instantly, it was so good to actually be able to feel every sensation, a silent, shared agreement.

Dan’s shirt was off in an instant as he was laid down softly onto the bottom of Phil’s bed, his warm breath travelled around the tight air, it was comforting.

“You’re so beautiful, you don’t even realise it. I’ll love you… for you.”

He placed a kiss to Dan’s stomach, another couple were scattered. He left some marks on Dan, he wanted to give him everything.

His arm was lifted up in Phil’s grasp as soft, gentle kisses were placed onto it. More kissing on his stomach and waist continued, along old scars too.

Dan felt like he could cry, not in pain, or grief for once. He felt genuinely happy in this moment, he wasn’t being judged for once, rather the opposite. Self conscious thoughts swarmed him as his waist was kissed, he felt like he looked ugly, his body was warped in his mind.

Just as Phil began to take it further, Phil’s mother had knocked on the door, “Is there anything I need to wash, boys?” Phil shuffled with so much speed, Dan threw on his shirt, Mrs Lester surely wouldn’t mind is Dan was in boxers, he was just being comfy.

He opened the door to her standing proudly with a wash basket, “I want you to follow me down to the wash room, you too Dan.”

They walked down to the wash room, they felt on edge. Luckily it was nothing to do with… that. “I want you to do your own washing, Phillip. You can do yours too, Dan, only if you want. I can do it for you if you want.”

Dan stood like he had a million people watching him, panic settled over him.

“I don’t know how.”

Phil felt sympathy, he knew for a fact it was because he was never taught, neither Phil or his mother laughed.

-

Phil’s mother had taught Dan anything and reassured him “if you ever need anything, I’m either in this house or only a phone call away, I promise.” She kissed Dan on the head and then smiled as she left the two boys in the wash room, they immediately kissed.

Phil had given Dan a tour of the rooms downstairs, only a wash room then a room with antiques. It happened that there was an old piano in there, covered in layers of dust and clearly well loved by someone, many years ago.

The dust was swiftly scraped off by Phil as he presented it, “Give it a go, Dan!” He had remembered the fact like genuine knowledge that Dan could play the piano well, “Let me see you in action.” Phil winked as Dan began to play familiar songs, he was obsess with the sound and the vibe of it.

-

The entire family gathered around the table, Dan was considered family. They dug into the food as Dan picked at a few pieces of chicken, he really didn’t want to seem rude at all. “Excuse me, I’m going to go lay down, not feeling so well” He scrunched his nose as an act as he walked away upstairs, no questions asked.

Of course he wasn’t really tired, he was afraid of the judgement from Phil that would occur if he did really enjoy the dinner, he would be ashamed of himself, really.

Phil had joined him upstairs after his dinner and knew immediately what was going on, “Come on, Dan i’m not stupid.” He tried not to raise his voice, it may bring back memories from yesterday.

I don’t know why Dan thinks he can hide these sorts of things on me, it’s hard to process. Phil sat down beside him as he felt his heart ache, “You don’t want to end up sick.. I’m already worried about you enough.” A kiss placed on the head. Phil accepted Dan’s silence as they lay now flat on his bed.

“I’m sorry. I really wasn’t feeling good, I’ll have some in a bit”

“Promise?” “Promise.”

Chapter 10: ‘Family’

Summary:

Dan leaves to go home to his toxic household for the first time in a while, how will it go?

Dan stood at the front of the Lester household, feeling the warmth of Phil’s family around him, the warmth wasn’t from his own family. He was enveloped in Phil's green ‘sick hoodie’ to leave in, the comforting weight of Lion snug against his side as he put him into his bag, Phil was too kind for his own good. The goodbyes were drawing out, their faces marked with concern and sadness, they had clearly known he had a bad home life.

"Well," Dan quipped, trying to muster a quick smirk, "I'll see you all soon, if I even make it back alive!” The attempt at humor fell flat, the worried expressions on Phil’s parents' faces deepening in concern. Phil’s mother and father enveloped the youngest boy him into a hug, their eyes shining with unshed tears as they whispered quiet things like ‘be safe’ and kissed his head after.

"Take care of yourself, Dan," Phil’s mother whispered, her voice cracking slightly. Dan nodded, swallowing hard against the lump forming in his throat, he hated how everybody knew about his home life; it was like he was wearing a big sign that says ‘my home life sucks!’ Phil appeared in the hallway where they stood and pat Dan him on the back, their eyes locking in a silent, heartfelt exchange, he wished Phil would kiss him.

"Text me when you get there," Phil said, his voice a thread of comfort in the looming darkness.

"Will do," Dan replied, his heart aching as he turned away, each step feeling heavier as he walked out the door and into the cold, indifferent world.

He barely made it to the bus stop in time, the chill in the air urging his pace to quicken. His lungs were burning as he ran to the bus stop. He turned back for one last look at Phil’s house at the top of the hill, the longing to return already gnawed at him.

The journey was a nightmare, on his first but it was filled with hostile glares and whispered slurs against him and his own identity. The words, filled with hate and ignorance, reminded him of something, they followed him like shadows as he thought he could never detach himself. The insults tearing at his fragile composure. He kept his head down, clutching his iPod for comfort, each moment on the bus was bringing him closer to the place he dreaded most.

Winnersh hadn’t changed much, still as ugly and beat up as he imagined, and yet, each familiar sight twisted his stomach into knots, he felt physically sick. The Pizza Hut where he’d wasted countless hours as a child and a teenager, the arcade where he’d fought many battles against kids for winning prizes instead of him, the football pitch where so many memories, good and bad, lingered and took place. He remembered getting drunk there, the taste of crisps and bile mixing as he threw up on the shitty fake grass. The theater stood as a bold reminder of childhood dreams, briefly realized on its stage, he had remembered playing spin the bottle there and had his first kiss with a boy.

The theatre had multiple pictures of him, it was something that his parents never found an interest in, it was something for him to escape his morbid thoughts questioning his own sexuality, shoving it deep down into his heart like a dirty secret.

His dread mounted as he neared his street on a main road, seeing the familiar shop and neighbors who seemed frozen in time, like he had never left. He waved at his neighbors who looked the exact same, their smiles and nods feeling distant, like echoes from a forgotten life, like it wasn’t his. His front gate was still cracked with paint and broken.

Dan stumbled towards the door, noticing his father’s car was absent. Relief and fear mingled as his mother answered just as he had knocked, she was waiting there, clearly. Her overly cheerful attitude immediately grating on his nerves.

"Daniel, you're here!" she exclaimed, her voice sickly sweet. He forced a smile, stepping inside. The house smelled the same, a mix of furniture polish and something he couldn’t quite place. The air was thick and overwhelming, almost too much to handle, she handed him a cup of tea, the gesture feeling foreign and uncomfortable.

"Thank you," he muttered, taking a cautious sip, it could of been poisoned knowing his mother. Had she changed? Was this a sign of a better person? The thought barely formed before she shattered the illusion right in front of his face, like a broken window.

"You look... different," she said, her eyes narrowing as her face showed a puzzled expression. "What's with the hair? You look so much like a girl, Daniel. you’re so feminine.” Her face seemed like she had ate something sour, disgust filled the room. “You haven’t even looked for jobs, have you?”

Dan shook his head, the weight of his hair becoming prominent now that she had pointed it out, old fears resurfacing. "N..no not yet." Dan sipped his tea and reached for a biscuit, only to have his hand quickly slapped. “What do you say, Daniel?”

“Can I please have one of those?”

She nodded as he took a biscuit.

"Of course you haven’t found a job, you spend too much time talking to people you barely know on the internet." she scoffed, her words cutting deep, Phil wasn’t just ‘some person he barely knew.’ She began to pick apart his appearance and choices, ‘his hoodie was ugly’ or his mother debating if he had lost or gained weight. This was tearing down any idea of self-worth he had managed to build since moving out. He tried to shift the conversation, talking with his hands and was flicking his hair out of his face.

“You look gay, I don’t like it.”

Dan felt like a spotlight had blinded him and there were a million people watching him, like in the theatre. It was just him and his mother. He was that bad word, he identified as gay, he felt dirty.

He tried asking about his grandma after this but she ignored him, launching into a monologue about herself, what goals she had achieved and how good her life was, apparently. Her criticisms turned sharper towards her own son, Dan stood up for himself.

“You’re not going to talk bad upon me when you’re under my roof, Daniel. Do you hear me?” Her posh accent mixed with her loud and clear voice.

And when she slapped him, time froze for a little bit. He was brought back to reality by his mother calling him selfish and stupid, he felt himself slipping back into that familiar darkness that this house had a tendency to bring.

-

He retreated to his old bedroom, huffing up the stairs as he dragged his fingers around the chipped paint of the banisters, when he finally got to his room, the brown walls were closing in on him like a genuine cage. Memories flooded back—nights spent grappling with his internalized homophobia, the thoughts of begging to be someone else. He was crying to Evanescence most of the time which he found cringe. The feeling of being utterly alone and wanting to die in those moments he had spent here, he felt 14 again. He clutched Phil’s toy Lion as he was in the middle of unpacking, wishing desperately to be back in Manchester, in that familiar environment that he enjoyed with Phil’s family.

The hours dragged on as he played Guitar Hero until his father and brother came home, he had heard his brother walk to his own bedroom. The evening descended into chaos as Dan even walked downstairs as he was called by his father. A family argument has errupted as soon as his father had saw his hair. Reeking of alcohol, he spat and raised his voice, spewing nonsensical reasons for his anger about his hair. “You shouldn’t look like that, Daniel. You look really stupid, you don’t even deserve to be my son.” A slap took place that was swift and brutal, leaving Dan shaken up and wishing for nothing more than to wake up and to be in Phil’s comforting bed with his arms around him.

"That hoodie is ugly by the way.” His father spat. "I wish I had a better son, y’know? You don’t do anything with your life except for sit on your lazy ass. Your brother already has a part-time job, and you? You’re really useless."

Dan tried to retreat, he dry heaved as he tried to get air into his lungs. His mother and father’s deafening laughs filled the room. Dan was quickly grabbing some food from the fridge, but his father’s hand pulled him back. "You have to sit with your family when you eat, did you forget your manners?” he cackled, the TV blaring some teleshopping show and his parents’ laughter grated on Dan's nerves harshly. He broke down, dropping his plate of rice onto the carpet, tears were streaming down his face.

“You’re so bloody stupid, stop acting so fucking sensitive all of the time, you’re not even acting like a man. No son of mine will even dare to act like this.” His father slammed his fist onto the coffee table as he began to become more intoxicated.

"Why do I have to sit here?" he sobbed and screamed. "We never even ate together when I lived here, Why are you changing now?" The rice stayed on the floor.

-

They laughed at him, mocking his tears. "You’re crying like a little girl," his mother taunted. The words cut deep, and Dan fled upstairs, his heart pounding as he stumbled on the stairs.

In his room, he took a hold of Lion, clinging to it like a lifeline. His mother barged in, her eyes filled with disdain, she had clearly been drinking too.

"That lion is so childish, Daniel. Where did you even get that from? You should throw it away. No wonder you can’t find a job, you’re acting like a child. children don’t have jobs if you didn’t know.” she sneered, leaving him in tears, his head hurt so much as his skin was painted red from sobbing.

He felt like he was a child again, really, trapped in a cycle of fear and emotional pain. Desperately, he opened his laptop and messaged Phil on Skype, it was his only option.

**danisnotonfire:** hi Phil plz tell me ur there ;-;

Phil's reply came almost immediately, thank God.

**amazingphil:** dan are u okay? wats wrong??!?!?

Dan’s fingers trembled as he typed, tears spilling on his keyboard, his body was barely cooperating with him.

**danisnotonfire:** im like not Ok at all my family picked on me now im crying becos all this shit happened -__-

**amazingphil:** we will figure sumthing out i’m Here for u <3 <3

Dan clung to those poorly typed words, a beacon of hope in the suffocating darkness of his childhood home. He looked around his room, filled with so much sadness and regret. He remembered sneaking a boy in once, almost going too far before his mother knocked. The fear of being caught, the terror of being exposed—it all came flooding back. His skin crawled at the memory.

His family could never know about him being gay. Mrs. Lester had known and accepted him, but here, in this house, it was a secret that could destroy him.

Phil’s next message popped up.

**amazingphil:** rmber that time we tried 2 bake cookies and almost set the kitchen on fire???

Dan smiled through his tears.

**danisnotonfire:** Yeh and we ended up with charcoal cookies. They were REALLY awful

**amazingphil:** But we still ate them obviously …. Or tried to xD

Dan chuckled, the memory a brief reprieve from his current reality.

**danisnotonfire:** Anddddd then we had to air out the apartment 4 days. ur mum was so mad T_T

**amazingphil:** worth it tho … spending time Wif u not the charcoal cookies

Dan's fingers hovered over the keys, hesitating before typing.

**danisnotonfire:** i dnt Know if i can do this anymore… being here i mean it’s literal hell on earth

Phil’s reply was immediate, filled with warmth and reassurance.

**amazingphil:** ur stronger than this I promize dan <3 hug Lion when u feel sad pretend he is me there in spirit

Dan took a deep breath, letting Phil's words soothe him. For now, it was enough to know that someone cared, that someone was waiting for him on the other side of his laptop. He held Lion close, closing his eyes and imagining a future where he could be free, where he could be himself. The thought gave him strength, however fleeting, to face another day. He wanted to have the courage to exist.

-

Dan trudged toward the bathroom, his steps heavy with the dread that had become all too familiar since returning home. He just wanted a moment to himself, a brief respite from the suffocating atmosphere of his parents' house. As he pushed open the door, he was startled to find his younger brother, Adrian, standing at the sink, fiddling with his hair.

Adrian looked up, his expression shifting from surprise to a familiar mix of sarcasm and mild annoyance. "Well, look who decided to show up," he said, a smirk tugging playfully at his lips.

"Hi," Dan replied, forcing a smile. "Just need to take a shower."

Adrian stepped aside, rolling his eyes. "It's been weird without you here, you know. You basically left me to fend for myself."

Dan winced at the accusation, guilt washing over him. "I know. I'm sorry. I just... really had to get out of here."

"Yeah, well, it hasn't been a play date for me either," Adrian muttered. "You actually think you're the only one who had it tough? Try dealing with them on your own all of the time.”

Dan nodded, his heart heavy, his brother was getting under his skin. “I wasn't ready to be on my own either, you know. I microwaved foil a few times, almost burned down my apartment. Didn’t know how to do the washing... Blame it on them for not teaching us anything."

His mind flashed to Mrs Lester teaching him.

Adrian snorted, but the amusement didn't reach his eyes. "Classic Daniel. Can't even work a microwave."

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, the sound of the running water filling the void. Adrian sighed, his shoulders slumping. "Why did they call you gay, anyway? What did you do?"

Dan’s heart skipped a beat, panic fluttering in his chest. He wasn't sure where Adrian stood on the issue. "They just needed something to throw at me," he lied. "You know how they are…”

Adrian nodded slowly, the lie unchallenged but the question hanging in the air. "Yeah, I guess. Anyway, I'll leave you to it." He scratched his head.

As Adrian walked back to his room, his shoulders hunched in defeat, Dan felt a pang of sorrow. He hated leaving Adrian in this toxic environment, but he had barely managed to escape himself.

Dan spent most the time in Phil’s hoodie, seeking comfort in the soft fabric that smelled faintly of Phil. He decided to take a shower. Locking the bathroom door behind him, he stripped off the hoodie and his clothes, revealing the healing cuts on his body. The hot water stung as it hit his skin, making him wince. Each sting was a reminder of his pain on Halloween, a contrast to the comfort he had found at the Lesters' household. He wished desperately to be back there, enveloped in their warmth and acceptance. He missed Phil more than anything.

The peaceful shower was short as the bathroom door rattled violently, his father’s voice booming from the other side. "Daniel! Hurry up, I need to use the toilet. What are you doing in there, crying again?"

Dan's heart pounded, his breath coming in short gasps as he tried to stifle his sobs. He couldn't imagine the horror if his family saw his self harm. The thought alone was enough to break him. He leaned against the cold tiled wall, the water cascading down, mingling with his tears as he cried in the shower, feeling utterly broken and exposed, he felt so ugly.

After what felt like an eternity, Dan turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, his body trembling. He caught sight of himself in the mirror, his reflection a cruel reminder of his insecurities. He began to pick at his appearance, discriminating every inch. His eating habits whispered lies to him, telling him he was chubby, even though he was tall and far from it. He pinched at his skin, disgusted with what he saw staring back at him, he didn’t even recognise his mangled, naked body.

Desperate for a distraction, Dan wrapped a towel around himself and picked up his phone. He snapped a selfie with his wet hair, sending it to Phil.

**danisnotonfire:** out da shower •3• how’s My hair???

A photo was sent with his natural, curly hair.

Phil's reply was swift.

**amazingphil:** awr soo cute ^__^

Dan smiled, feeling a momentary relief.

**danisnotonfire:** thnx Needed 2 hear that How’s ur day been?

**amazingphil:** not bad I watched sum tv and then me and my mum made brownies!!!! she said She misses u sooo much. starting 2 think she likes u better than me xD

Dan’s heart ached at the thought of the Lesters’ warm, accepting home.

**danisnotonfire:** i Miss u both too it’s actual hell here

Phil’s response was immediate, full of concern and support.

**amazingphil:** when U come back i will cuddle u and Not let u go >:(

Dan held onto those words, letting them be a lifeline in the storm of his emotions. The water from the shower had washed away the dirt and grime, but it couldn’t cleanse the pain of being here. His eyes fluttered, exhaustion showing in his body. Dan had fallen asleep cuddling Lion and forgot to even put a t-shirt on. His bare arms were on display as he slept. His parents or brother could walk in at any moment.