Love songs for Taylor York [Edited]

by Sparks9793

Summary:

Feelings that turned into words, words that turned into poems and poems that grew into music ❤️

Notes:

I love Hayley and Taylor, they have one of the cutest love stories i've ever seen and the way she writes about him is so full of adoration that even the sad songs are really beautiful. Because i'm weird I sometimes try to imagine what the story behind them is or what they felt at the time it was all happening, how did T react when he first heard the songs, what might've been the last push or a nudge in the right direction so, I thought it'd be fun to write these scenarios that live inside my head. I've never written a fic before this one, so bear with me and all that'll will surely go wrong.
If your read, please leave a comment, love to hear your thoughts.
*also disclaimer, English isn't my first language so sorry in advance for any misspelled words or misunderstandings.
- Love Em x

Chapter 1: Hate to see your heart break

Summary:

“But T, you can be upset, it’s okay”
“Can’t be grumpy tomorrow, we have a show” he says with a big sigh that tugs her lips into a small smile.
“Just for tonight then”
It works. He huffs, “I fuckin’—” falling backwards and tugging on her hand to pull her with him and Hayley holds back her affronted squeal, palms landing on either side of his shoulders. “—ruined it, of course she wouldn’t want to deal with me”
“No, you did not” It’s not fair to berate him but this is not the time to allow self-deprecation when this is not at all his fault, even if she does it well and often, reserves that little sting for herself, and herself only. Her palm meets his chest lightly as she frowns, “You didn’t ruin anything, are you kidding? You were the most caring and loving boyfriend; she was the stupid one! Who in their right mind would choose that tool over you?”
“You are obligated to say that cause we are friends, Hayles” 

Notes:

I love Hayley and Taylor, they have one of the cutest love stories ever. The way she writes about him is so full of adoration that even the sad songs are really beautiful and because i'm weird I sometimes try to imagine what the story behind them is or what they felt at the time, how did T react when he first heard them, etc. I thought it´d be fun to write these scenarios I have in my head, i've never written a fic before so bear with me on this one and if your read, please leave a comment.
also disclaimer, English isn't my first language so sorry in advance for any misspelled words.
- Love Em

New York, September 2011

All Hayley can see is Taylor’s sullen face as his brother hauls him up and slaps him heavily on the back hoping to give him some comfort.  

The reporter approaches and as always, he shakes hands with the young-looking guy and nods half heartly to his compliments about the show they’ve just played cheering on the other bands that have also sets that the fans will love and celebrating this milestone for their band after long months of pure chaos.  

The tiny redhead takes a second to stop her less than subtle stares and glances down to her phone with disdain, wishing that she was in a more private place so the anger bubbling inside could be put to good use in ways that would make headlines if the reporter caught her, wishes more than anything she could ease some of his pain, if not with words, then with actions, but this time is not theirs so Hayley just keeps nodding along to the questions replaying the last twenty four hours on loop, cause fuck.!..they really can’t catch a break. 

It’s always a struggle to find Taylor after a show—sometimes they’ve got press to do, sometimes they’re being ushered into the cars to get to their hotels or planes if they’re leaving on the spot to go play the next show, or he simply can’t be bother with the world and goes straight to the changing room needing the quietness that contrasts with their extremely peculiar life style. Either way, Hayley always waits, always, always counts down the seconds until she can get him alone for a few, cause in the sea full of people, one can feel the most alone and yet her curly haired best friend manages to make room for the two of them in that silence and nothing beats that feeling, that sense of belonging and happiness he brings, same one that she gets any time her green eyes observe him in his element after a show well done. 

But today they’ve both feeling lost. And today, Taylor doesn’t linger. He doesn’t even let himself get pulled aside by Justin after the interviews, lucky that she’s taken one for the team and is hounded first, something she lets him indulge in, knowing that he’s not ok, that tonight the noise of the crowd all fades into the background for him, his mind is elsewhere—body desperate to join. 

Her own body knows the feeling; too far away from him to relax as their magnetic forces pull towards one another. Keeping her feet planted firmly on the ground to tend to her duties is a hard task, when the only focused object in her vision is the outline of Taylor. And as soon as he makes that first step towards the greenroom, she’ll make sure to run through anyone who stands in her way to get to him. 

Getting to her curly haired best friend’s hotel room proves harder than it should be, even if Hayley hadn’t wasted her time looking for him anywhere else—of course he wouldn’t have wanted to go to an afterparty. To celebrate what? A crushing loss? It’s no surprise that he chose to hide himself away as soon as the opportunity arose—to take back what little control he has over today and deny prying eyes passing judgement where he can see them. 

She thinks, for a moment, that he’s not going to answer the door and her sympathy nearly bubbles into misguided anger before she alters its path. She is so frantic to reach him that it feels like a waste of time to stand still for even a second. But the soft padding of socked feet against carpet sounds from behind the thick wood, and the click of a lock as the door gives way to reveal the image of a forlorn Taylor. 

He’s so kind, and so gentle, and his personality is one that has a unique type of charm—but right now… Right now, he looks small and defeated. His shoulders weigh heavy and his posture slumps forward, and despite the fact of his towering height over her, Hayley doesn’t feel so dwarfed in his presence right now. Neither of them say anything; both waiting for the other to speak up first but neither does, as the tiny redhead just stands there… in the hallway, suspended in a moment, looking at Taylor with sad eyes as his fingers linger on the door handle. 

And then she throws her arms around his hulking shoulders and feels his chest deflate against her own expanding one, as she breathes, “I’m sorry, T” 

He doesn’t reply—what is there to say? Nothing positive or optimistic, only bashes to add to the broken pieces. Instead, he curls his arms around her back; an immediate solace to breathe in the wash of her scent, the soft of her hair as he buries his nose against her crown. His biceps squeeze around her, compressing the bones in her body with a heavenly kind of weight. Small in his arms but big enough to provide comfort. Always the biggest part of his heart, the place he goes to for relief since that spring in 02’. 

Every exhale against her head bleeds warmly into her scalp, seeping down to her toes and regulating her heartbeat. Weightlessness is a common feeling in the presence of her curly-haired best friend, more often physically than not, as he pulls her off the tips of her toes and carries their embrace to the foot of the hotel bed. The door clicking shut serves as a reminder of the outside world; of time continuing to tick away despite the silence that blankets the room they’re in and she removes her hands from Taylor’s s nape as he sits down, his own paws lingering on the plush of her hips. His eyes are sad, tired, embarrassed. 

Hayley doesn’t recognize him like this.  

There is not a single word in the whole world 
That could describe the hurt 
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth 
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was 
How were you to know? 

Oh, how were you to know? 
And I, I hate to see your heart break 

“I’m so fucking stupid” Taylor laughs with exasperation, a hand dragging itself down his face. It’s not often that he curses so openly, in fact, she’s not sure he ever really has, not like this anyways. He’s well disciplined, a little cheeky sometimes, perhaps, but manages to ride the line with ease. He works hard, he plays hard, he respects and cherishes those around him and lives to improve with every new day. (Hayley had once joked that Taylor would struggle getting on the bad side of a wasp; could charm his way out of a potential sting without breaking a sweat with his soothing tone and sweetened words, he argue it would be her that had it easier with her big green doe eyes) 

She breathes softly, fingertips carding through freshly washed hair; a shower the only thing he could force himself to do after the show. “You are not stupid T, please don’t say that again” 

It’s hard not to let his sigh turn into a moan with the way she handles him with such tenderness. There’s no fight, none at all, when he closes his eyes and lets her scratch his scalp. “Not supposed to sulk about it. Got to get up and move on. Prepare for the next thing, she is absolutely not worth it” 

With a gentle tug at the back of his head, not painful, but stern, he looks up at her figure between his legs once more. “But T, you can be upset, it’s okay” 

“Can’t be grumpy tomorrow, we have a show” he says with a big sigh that tugs her lips into a small smile. 

“Just for tonight then” 

It works. He huffs, “I fucking—” falling backwards and tugging on her hand to pull her with him and Hayley holds back her affronted squeal, palms landing on either side of his shoulders. “—ruined it, of course she wouldn’t want to deal with me” 

“No, you did not” It’s not fair to berate him but this is not the time to allow self-deprecation when this is not at all his fault, even if she does it well and often, reserves that little sting for herself, and herself only. Her palm meets his chest lightly as she frowns, “You didn’t ruin anything, are you kidding? You were the most caring and loving boyfriend; she was the stupid one!” 

“You are obligated to say that cause we are friends, Hayles” 

Her smile is sad; wishing for a quick fix to his somber eyes—or the ability to turn back time. “She was my friend too; I don’t say it just because” 

“Fuck!,I’m sorry...I...I blew it for you too” 

She shakes her head no at the words and the room falls silent for a while, their embrace a steady rising and falling of chests—like a dingy floating down a lazy river while Taylor strokes up and down her back, as though she’s the one that needs reassurance. It feels nice all the same especially after their long hellish day, so the only thing Hayley can really do is let her weight settle atop his body, trying to breathe as deeply as her lungs can manage in hopes that Taylor’s heart will mirror. Of course, she’s kidding herself into believing she is any sort of definition of calm or ok after what’s happened, but her mind hasn’t quite caught up yet. Maybe it’s the humidity that forces the catch of her breath as the curly haired man shifts beneath her—maybe it’s the pollen count. Probably the pollen count.  

Love, happens all the time 
To people who aren't kind 
And heroes who are blind 

Expecting perfect scripted movie scenes 
But what's an awkward silence mystery? 
How were you to know? 
Oh, how were you to know?

“I’m glad you’re here, thanks for running after me” he murmurs after a moment, mindless hands fidgeting amongst her clothes. The layers she’d meticulously arranged to combat the brandishing winds have untucked themselves from the denim of her jeans and Taylor fingers slip underneath and brush against the silken skin of her waist. He sighs, speaking once more before Hayley can hum her agreement, “You’re so soft” 

There are unspoken lines in relationships, right? Boundaries, expectations, societal normalities and yet Hayley has lost count over the years, how often herself and Taylor have been given the side eye.  

Their dynamic alludes to something deeper than neither of the two have ever addressed. And the line… it’s never been crossed but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been toed upon. The waters aren’t as cold as they’ve been before, but the comfort of hiding her warm cheeks in her best friend’s chest is still very much there, still one of her safest places. The things he says always make her skin thrum with unbridled energy; there’s just something about the way he wields words that has her feeling special in ways that have her questioning her dumb decisions and yet any time it happens they hide it with great effort; taking one step back to maintain a cooler front, perhaps to stop it before it even has a chance to flourish.

Taking a deep breath she matches her counterpart to appear a worthy equal beside Taylor coveted self then, cause that, that is as bad as ideas go. 

And though being described as soft isn’t an inherently romantic thing—it’s simply a statement—Taylor hums it so freely it bothers her mind, cause he says it like her softness is the salve for all of his cuts and scrapes, as if the delicacy of her, his best friend, is enough to plaster over the disappointment of his day, because bigger things matter more. 

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close 
But I've been there before 
And I, I hate to see your heart break 
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close 
But I've been there before 

In moments like these, she could reply with a multitude of things that would cross a line, Hayley sure as hell hears a million and one of them pinging around her head.

Maybe she’s a coward, or maybe she’s too self-aware that no good would come from that, less than all when he’s feeling vulnerable, so instead, she covers it with a light joke, “It helps to actually use all those lotions and creams I got you for Christmas T, and maybe double down on the sun cream too, your nose it’s starting to make you look like Rudolph” 

“So mean” he answers, and Hayley adores that she’s made him laugh, even if it’s no more than a huffed exhale; her lips curl up into his neck and she pretends that he’s happy for just a moment.  

When the lull of silence passes and Taylor starts to shuffle beside her, a sense of panic morphs in her body as she desperately searches for a distraction again, anything she can use to wave in front of him like a brightly colored toy, equipped with all kinds of bells and whistles. 

She pushes herself up and plasters on an exaggerated grin that can only preface mischief, wiggling her eyebrows, as she asks, “Want a burger and fries?” tiptoeing to the desk at the other end of the room to gather the room service menu so they can choose. “It’s free of charge, this hotel is really fancy, and Mark said we could go wild” Hayley offers with a cheeky stand, flashing the piece of paper right in front of his eyes. 

A blip of relief radiates through the tiny read head's chest like the echo of a submarine when the corners of Taylor’s mouth twitch upwards at the offer, his tongue heavy in his mouth as he hums in approval, neck propped up lazily by the palm of his hand, “Then add a beer with that and let’s share some ice cream or brownies Hayles” 

His red headed best friend smiles as she nods, “no sharing my brownies, you want some you order yourself one too” 

His lips curve up at that, cause this day’s been awful and she’s allow to want nothing to do with him after the way things played out, cause now she’s lost her friend and it’s all his fault yet Hayley still chose him in the end, still seeked him out to ease her own bad day, so perhaps that’s the silver lining of this mess? 

“You are right, we need the sugar, cause this was my first real relationship and look where I’ve ended up”

It’s a self-deprecating thought, not one to banter or jibe, despite being disguised as such and yet, holed up in dull hotel room, miles away from home, Taylor’s so tankful she’s here to stop him from digging himself into an even deeper hole. 

“I know…” her sigh is light, completely oblivious to her curly best friend’s thoughts only a mere skull’s width away, “I’m so sorry T” 

It’s quiet again after that, the thick air perforated with an occasional loud exhale from Taylor’s pouting mouth as Hayley’s hands work through knots and kinks over his back with small cold hands as he offers him a massage to alleviate his stiff posture. He tries to fight sleep, but she presses in harder, just shy of too hard, just enough to melt the taut into goo and when those breaths start coating themselves in gravel, the air catching on his throat on its way out, with salaciously hums that’ve turned into to feathery grunts—she feels overly smug that her attempts at relaxing them both have not gone all to waste. 

They eat in comfortable silence for a while, he’s tired after the long day and throbbing emotions; muscles heavy and bones squishy, when her efforts to scoot him towards the headboard proved impossibly hard.

It all catches up with him like a wave crashing to the shore—all-consuming; submerging.

Hayley drowns in it entirely as well, can barely keep her eyes open long enough to shovel her dinner into her mouth and the TV ends up screening old reruns of Friends that no one watches. 

She can tell Taylor’s clocked out, mind swiming in the depths of his insecurities and it tugs her lips downwards to know she can’t distract him from that, cause this pain needs time, and Hayley realizes it, when not even acting along to their favorite scene makes the smile reach his eyes, so she stops trying, stops pretending she’s in any way ok with it all and distracts her own thoughts for a second, focusing on  seeing what he is, the blur of the television, colors melting together in kaleidoscope swirls.  

She feels bad for projecting; for expecting or hoping him to be okay. Of course, he’s not going to be okay. Okay is waking up on a Monday morning with time to buy yourself a treat for lunch before heading into your dreary office job. Taylor’s not even knocking on the door of Oh-Kay. It’s such a useless feeling to be witnessing misery so candidly with nothing worthwhile to offer as a fix.

Then she looks over at him, prompted by a thick rumble, and it all goes quiet inside her head for a moment. He’s asleep plate resting precariously over his lap. The waves catch up to her too, brows smoothing out to mirror the peace of his expression, and she knows it's time for bed. 

Everything seems so much louder when you’re trying to be quiet. Hayley experiences that tenfold in the en-suite bathroom. Her toothbrush vibrates too hard, the water splashes too violently, the cap of her cleanser is obnoxious when it clicks shut. Taylor peeks an eye open when she settles atop the covers once again, not even questioning why she’s staying, the rosy notes clinging to the full of her soft cheeks and glowing in the soft vibrance of the bedside lamp she’d leant over his chest to click on, sending a warmth to his heart, cause he knows she needs the company just as much tonight.  

“Sorry” she winces, adjusting her bare knees on top of the sheets and Taylor’s sleepy eyes flit down to the hem of her shorts brushing against the skin of her thighs, he takes a deep defeated breath and then shrugs a shoulder extending his arm to beckon her forward with a curl of his fingers and a weak smile. “Come on. Need a cuddle.”  

Hayley falls into him easily, head tucked beneath his chin, open palm smoothing over his heart, just like that as they both ignore the conflicting intimacy of their embrace. 

Xxxx

The sunlight doesn’t filter past his eyelids when they twitch awake, fluttering open less than elegantly. The stitches of memories sew themselves back together too slowly to find it questionable, the caress of soft pads across the puff of his cheek really soothing to his troubled mind.  

He’s still half asleep when the moon shows him the silhouette of tired shoulders and a delicate neck; the sheer curtain enveloped with gentle pockets of wind that slip through the open window, billowing inwards. It pools across the carpet; cool moonlight, casting an unearthly glow along the arm that reaches out. 

Hayley’s thumb brushes his feathery lashes, ducking beneath his undereye to stroke the skin there. It’s such a gentle awakening that Taylor feels heavy, half awake and half still dreaming, still floating through the clouds of his imagination as the weight of the sad events tugs his eyes shut again. 

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to wake you” she says in a quiet murmur, not quite a whisper 

“...What time is it?” he asks in a gruff voice, the pillow sinking in further, weighted with the nuzzle of a nose and an overt inhale. smoke and sandalwood, from a little blue travel size bottle that now bathes the cotton covers and tucks her safely into cushions next to his warm skin.  

“Early? Not sure really. Just go back to sleep” 

Just enough of the bluish morning light creeps into the periphery of his consciousness, forcing the sleep away with an obvious disgruntled twitch as he puts his own worries on pause for a moment. “Are you okay?” 

Hayley supplies a hum, noncommittal and faraway at the question, mind too engrossed in the trail of his thumb against her cheek to provide much more. “What are you doing?” She whines, fighting the curl of her mouth, each nerve ending with warmth. 

“Don’t move” he tuts when she wriggles her head some—ticklish. “I was thinking…” and if Hayley were less catatonic, she’d quip something predictable to earn an answering pinch, “thinking that I’m really glad you’re here” It’s a saving grace that her tongue lays heavy behind her lips. Taylor’s timbre slicks itself over her, soft like silk. Sincerity isn’t their forte, but when shit hits the fan like now, it makes her stiffen, anticipating what comes next, cause is not always soothing or gentle and yet...  

“I really love you”  

The weight behind his words should be more startling or shocking with the added weight of his tired voice, but this time it glides over the ice with ease, battery and smooth, soothing some of the ache in their hearts, a tiny smile evident enough for Taylor to know that she heard him, understood him.  

It’s a sentiment untold, bearing new significance in the whisperings between sheets, even if this is not a newfound intimacy, but years in the making, and though is two in the morning, or three, or four, and this all feels like some sort of beautiful tragic dream, it makes her feel less alone in the pain of losing a friend, makes her feel the support of the one other person that gets it, maybe that’s why this time his honest declaration isn’t scary to hear.  

But it’s hard not to imagine it, when he’s this gentle and caring, hard not to fabricate the pressing of lips against the corner of her mouth and the soft plumes of air tickling her cheek. It's even harder when those same lips knit themselves over her hairline and a winding forearm pulls her in closer into a grounding embrace, as if she were the one that needed comfort and not the other way around, Hayley does her best to let go of that nagging intrusive thought, instead slowing her breathing to match his own until she falls asleep again before her brain can provide another stupid thought.

For all the air that's in your lungs  
For all the joy that is to come  
For all the things that you're alive to feel  
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal  

 

Nashville, end of May 2019

Time now was a funny little thing to Taylor—he didn’t like the idea of wasting seconds, minutes, hours, and days without getting to hear, see and feel her. 

Realistically, they hung out all the time, in the field near his house, at his garage/studio, and sometimes at the park but a few days without her could feel like years when all he had was the lingering smell of her perfume on the pillow next to his and he had to distract himself with unimportant little things to fill the minutes and the hours.  

1 hour, 32 minutes, and 40 seconds.  

That's how much time he had left until all the responsibilities from Friday were all done, and his quiet curses filled the studio as he scrambled to his car which was parked near the hydrangeas, cause trying to get her off his mind resulted in getting him distracted from his scheduled routine, and now he had to hurry up. 

It had been months since they softened and stopped kidding themselves with half ass excuses that never did them any good, and even more since Taylor had realized there was simply no getting out of these feelings. 

Taylor thanked the heavens and every star in the sky that they had been given a second chance, and he'd spend the rest of his days trying to show her why taking the leap on their love  was the right choice.  

Everyone around them had noticed the difference in behavior, the two bandmates were lighter, became softer and their friends smiled with pride and warmth any time one would catch them walking around in town with a gooey smile on their faces (like any time Hayley sent him a picture of her face in agony after having been in a meeting for three hours).  

He recently quit drinking for her. He was called a madman and a fool, but he didn't blame them—because he was for her.  

She didn't mention anything about her feeling unsettled when it gotten slightly out of hand after the pandemic, but he could sense her discomfort, how her face would scrunch and she'd avoid eye contact, he’d always thought she worried too much but in this case, Hayley’s uneasiness had been well placed and the needed push to do what ultimately was right for him and also them. 

He had many things to say back then—to explain that he was addicted to high of having a few drink and drowning his anxious thoughts, challenging his demons to swim in the whisky instead of doing it on his mind, that all his bad habits were merely an afterthought if she was around, that he found her more addictive than any of those things, that he didn't want her to worry for a second about him.  

All of these cheeky replies evaporated once he tasted the calm smile on her lips that never failed to make him feel like he was in heaven, couldn't spare a thought to anything else if he had her close, felt like a starving man and every day, without a doubt the idea of kissing her for the rest of his life made him the right kind of dizzy.  

Their usual weekly date begins in 30 minutes, and he manages to get himself inside his car after a quick shower at his house and grabbing the picnic basket he’d spent all morning preparing cause when he’d asked what she wanted to do Hayley had been no help with a teasing ‘surprise me’ that had made him scan his brain for ideas to surprise her.  

His fingers drummed on the steering wheel, his head bobbing to Stevie Nicks playing on the radio as he drove to her house. It was a short drive filled with the anticipation of seeing her after a long week of sleeping alone and as he parks the car waiting for her to come out, his hand itch for a cigarette, but he’s been trying to lessen consuming it, so he abstains humming along the radio to distract his mind.  

The day was beautiful, s pring had already arrived in Nashville and the smell of blooming flowers filled the air as soon as he stepped out of the car, preparing to spot her as soon as she was within arm's reach, waiting anxiously to have her close again and open her door.  

His train of thought’s interrupted by her arrival in a short white dress with a bow at the chest, and small earrings, blonde hair pulled back in a French braid—the same one he’d styled for her many times. 

Hayley wears the sweetest smile on her pretty face and Taylor can resist placing his hand on his chest in awe of her beauty, knowing that she could wear a trash bag and he'd find her gorgeous.  

"Trying to give me a stroke?" He laughs as he gives her body a once-over behind his sunglasses, loving the blush that instantly creeps up her face as she stands in front of him while he inhales her sweet scent carried by the spring breeze.  

"Says you." She answers, leaning in for a kiss without hesitation and Taylor’s knees buckle.   

"You are the most beautiful woman in the world Hayles" He mumbles into the kiss, tasting the cherries she had earlier making him grin. They were full-on making out against his car as he cups her ass above the thin sundress, and he’s got half the mind to call it all off until her breathless voice pulls him back.  

"We should get going" Hayley giggles halting their steamy session as Taylor looks down on her face that's covered with sunlight before bowing like a Prince from a Disney movie.  

He opens the door for her like he always does, observing her as she gets comfortable in the passenger seat before closing the door and rushing to his side.  

"Sooo what will we do, T?" she asks with excitement, barely able to wait till they arrive at their destination.  

"It's a picnic babe, the sun is shining, and I thought that we could use the fresh air, hope that’s ok?" 

Hayley nods in agreement and busy herself choosing a song and when ‘Too Sweet by Hozier’ starts to play through the speakers, it makes him bite back a smirk because the lyrics hit a spot and make him instantly think of her, most music does these days.   

“You treat your mouth as if it’s heaven’s gate ” She sings along, allowing her hands to wander in the air as Taylor speeds a little down the empty road.  

He adores the little moments just theirs, moments when she feels comfortable enough to sing butchering the lyrics, moments when she lets herself to be carefree around him, dancing as much as her position in the car allows her pointing fingers at Taylor that grabs it to give it a kiss before she goes on to another move. 

Though his favorite thing has to be resting his hand on her thigh while the windows down ruffle his curls, right at this time, he’s more than content admiring Hayley to let his hand wander.  

After one ABBA song, the curly haired man stops his car and parks in the middle of an empty field—a lavender field and the squeal Hayley lets out as she glances around her, dumbstruck by the view that’ll forever be engraved in her brain makes it all worth it, cause he knows he’ll do anything in his power to keep that smile on her face as long as he lives.  

The beauty of nature never failed to amaze her but it caught her off guard every single time. She steps out of the car slowly, trying to catch up on every detail. It was a large field with no one to be seen but them—lavender everywhere and the purple color boosts the serotonin in her brain. 

The smell though is something else—the scent of lavender that’s been kissed by the sun all day long mixed with the spring breeze fresh in her lungs relaxes her, an eager smile paints itself across her face. 

“T, I—“ Hayley’s words are cut off by her shock and her handsome partner’s body collides with her back just then as he wraps his arms around her tiny frame, engulfing her easily before pressing a soft kiss to her head. 

“Do you like it?” He whispers in her ear, relishing the sight of goosebumps on her skin. 

“I love it. This is so beautiful” she says in a happy tone, turning around to show him the gleam in her eyes that he loves so much, a sight so stunning, Taylor can’t resist stealing another kiss from her soft lips with the quiet air and the field of lavender surrounding them. 

“Not as beautiful as you Hayles” he tells her, reluctantly pulling away fearing to get carried away before they’ve even enjoyed the stunning field. 

Hayley smiles at the compliment and hides her face in his toned chest as the sun casts a warm ray on their love-filled bodies while her curly haired partner keeps his bicep around her as he fetches the basket he prepared from the backseat. 

“C’mon, love” He proposes, leading her inside the field until they’ve found a spot big enough for them to sit down.  

Taylor lays the plaid blanket on the ground and begins unpacking the basket, refusing the tiny blonde’s assistance with a playful shove to the side. 

First, he places the charcuterie board filled with different types of olives, bread, nuts, dips and crackers. Then delicious avocado sandwiches follow along with a mini basket of strawberries and blueberries. An orange bottle is left inside the basket for Hayley to sip on in case she gets thirsty. 

“Are you not hungry, babe?” He asks when she only nibbles on a few berries and crackers with her body resting sideways on the blanket. 

“Not a lot. How was your day?” The smile never leaves her face when he feeds her a few berries from his hand. 

“Mhmm it was good but it’s excellent now ” he admits, their noses touching before sharing more kisses like eager teenagers. 

“We do really kiss a lot” She points out, pulling away and pressing a hand to her rosy lips that Taylor likes to tire. 

“Well…” He trails off, replacing her fingers with his as he traces them over her jaw and lips. “If your lips aren’t sore then I’m not kissing you properly.” His whisper is low and sultry, echoing around her with the breeze. 

“And if they’re not bruised…then I did not kiss you at all ” The red color of the blanket beneath didn’t stand a chance against Hayley’s cherry-red cheeks, he thinks to himself with a grin. 

Her face fails to hide from his piercing gaze as she lets out a chuckle, his less the subtle staring making her more than a little fluster as she returns the favor just as good, admiring all his lovely features, ones that only grew more stunning under the sunlight. 

The subtle scruff that scratched her every time he kissed her suited him so well Hayley thought, she didn’t mind the feeling it gave her, not when it gave him the right kind of disheveled not when she’d spent hours on end the past week, remembering how it felt between her thighs. 

“How’s Alf?” The question brings a smile to her face and helps her shake her dirty thoughts for a little. 

“He misses you. Almost brought him with me ‘cause Brian refused to babysit him, but I eventually dropped him off at mom’s” She replies with an eye roll, remembering the little incident between her pet and the stable horses a few weeks back, when Alfie had helped them, all escape. 

“Well, I guess if he misses me then… I could spend the night?” He lays his head down on the blanket as he says it, observing as Hayley’s face brightens at the words. 

“Only coming for Alfie, eh?” she teases with a beautiful glimmer in her eyes, their faces inches apart. 

“And you! Movie night?” Their movie nights grew popular after tour as they’d gotten into the habit of picking a movie to watch every other night on his couch before ending up asleep with their limbs tangled. 

“I'll choose this time” she answers distractedly as he caresses her soft hair, allowing his fingers to swipe through it and spreading the bergamot scent of her shampoo against his hand. 

“Fine” She retorts rolling her eyes and his mind drifts to all the ways he could teach her not to roll her eyes at him. 

They continue chatting, giggling, and kissing. They feed each other fruits and crumbs of the sandwiches while the tiny blonde insists on wiping his mouth with a napkin and as the sun begins to set, he jumps on his feet running to the car, and coming back before she could blink. 

Whatever he’s holding is hidden in his arms behind his back, so Hayley eagerly tries to steal a glance but fails. 

“What do you have there, T?” He looked so much taller now that she was sitting. 

A tall handsome man who kisses her every chance he gets and makes her heart flutter with all his lovely gestures. 

“Give me one of your sweet smiles, babe” Taylor exclaims revealing a Polaroid camera and directing it at her, waiting for a cute pose with her wide smile before snapping a picture. 

He kneels next to her, waiting for the picture on the Polaroid to appear while Hayley seems more eager than him, nearly bouncing on her seat. 

“Show me—I want it” She giggles, attempting to see the picture that he is smiling dumbly at. 

“No! It’s mine” Taylor declares hiding it in his wallet while she climbs on his lap to persuade him with kisses. 

He eventually bends to her will and agrees to show her before immediately tucking it back in like a cheeky little kid but by then, Hayley didn’t really care, as she uses the camera to take a selfie of them that comes out surprisingly successful and one that she keeps for herself. 

“I’ll get back at you” He threatens as they lay on the blanket hand in hand. 

The two bandmates sit in comfortable silence staring at the cloudless sky for what seems like forever before Taylor sits straight and hands her a book that she didn’t notice before. 

“Read for me” 

It’s a copy of Pablo Neruda love poems, one that he got her months ago cause some of the words made him think of her, and one little book she had forgotten it at his house so he’d brought it here to return it, but also in hopes she’d let him hear her sweet voice telling the poems that in Hayley’s lips seemed written just for him. 

“Oh? You can’t read?” She teases with a pink flush, grabbing the book from his hand. 

“Not when you can do it way better” He admits resting his face in his palm waiting for her to begin as she flips through the pages. 

Hayley clears her throat before laying her fingers upon a nice poem while the sun is setting behind her, casting a golden hue on her back making her appear as a sunlit angel and his heart skips a beat when she begins, a still moment he wishes he could bottle and go back to, any time he wanted.  

“But 
if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower 
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 
without leaving mine.” 

Taylor’s eyes can’t shift from her, and his ears block out the sounds of nature around him to fully indulge in her poem reading, mesmerized by the sight of her. 

Hayley reads poem after poem, blessing his ears with beautiful prose and her sweet voice comforting in a way that made the curly haired man wished he could record her reading so her could listen to it before he went to sleep any time she wasn’t there beside him.  

Eventually they pack up as the sun begins to set, content with their Friday date and the memories they’ve made. 

They repeat the same routine as earlier: Taylor opening the door for her and driving to his house as they sing their hearts out to songs she chooses. 

As soon as they get to hers, she makes him feel at home, giving the curly haired man the Pajamas he leaves at her house sometimes or one of his oversized shirts she loves to steal. Dinner is a few lefts over from the night before and it takes Hayley no time to heat it up so it’s all waiting for him when he’s done folding up his clothes upstairs and she lets him choose a a cheesy rom-com, loving that once she sets the plates on the coffee table, Alf is already all snuggled up onto his side. 

Her heart skips a beat at the sweet image of her curly haired boys.  

It was days like these that Hayley had longed for all her life and now any moment spent with her little family was more precious than anything else she could think of, cause every detail about this was enough to have her wishing for more and more of this.  

--------------------------------------------------------

There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
How were you to know?

Oh, how were you to know?

And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before

Love, happens all the time
To people who aren't kind
And heroes who are blind

Expecting perfect scripted movie scenes
But what's an awkward silence mystery?
How were you to know?
Oh, how were you to know?

And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close

But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before

For all the air that's in your lungs
For all the joy that is to come
For all the things that you're alive to feel
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal
Oh, how were you to know?
Oh, how were you to know?

 

And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before

Notes:

Hi everyone,
I would once again like to say how sorry I am for all that went down with ficgate and how it all played it out, it was such a stupid thing to do and i'll forever regret it.
I'll be honest, reposting my work was not always on the cards for me, I feel super ashamed still and i'm not sure if anyone will even want my stuff back but I've been super sad and writing really does help me through it so I guess this is for me.
Getting all of this back online has been a struggle though, I did not have backup at all and when I deleted it, I though that was it, however Ao3 did have the backup and sent me the fics. It was all in a format that has all the chapters glued together though and just the thought of sifting through it all was so stressful I was so done with it and never wanted to see or hear from it again, but here we are...
If you need to know anything from me is that i'm a perfectionist and I'll admit that the format of my books had gotten super messy and out of hand over the months to the point that it was really stressful for me and my writing, so in light of all that happened, I decided to edit it all and is why the chapters won't appear back until i'm happy with it and I hope you can respect that even if you'd rather I'd just upload all of it at once.
anyways, guess that's all from me for now.
-Em x

Chapter 2: Sudden desire

Summary:

“You have a funny way of smoking” He notes, his tone almost unreadable, though, it doesn’t seem unkind or snarky, she still narrows her eyes at him “how so”
“It’s almost dainty, and I guess I just find it ironic”
“I’m not dainty?” Hayley knows she’s not dainty, never has, and yet the comment stings a bit
“Nahh” he exhaled slowly “you’re like a storm, a force of nature, Hayles, and you’re anything but dainty, you make noise, loud and bold and, quite frankly, amazing”

Notes:

Don't know if it can be consider a B side, or a re write of the original chapter but either way, is a new, better (I hope) version, because that one was probably the second one I wrote and I had no idea what I was doing, maybe I still don't, guess that's up to you to decide.

I wanted him to kiss me how
With open mouth and open mouth
We keep our distance now
I wanna feel his hands go down
I try not to think about
What happened last night outside his house
Too far to go back now
Just wanna feel his hands go down

Sudden, sudden desire
Sudden, sudden desire
A sudden desire

 

(New year’s 2018)    

The back door creaks agonizingly loud even as Hayley tries to open it with the minimal amount of sound and it makes her curse in her brain, as her not so subtle entrance, alerts him of her presence, brown eyes turning immediately to the door   

“Is there a point as to why you are sneaking into the garden like that?” Taylor asks with a smirk, watching her push the door open fully with a sigh “I...I didn’t know you were out here”  

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks in challenge, chuckling airily “Because I was here first, and it is my house”  

“As you’ve said, it’s your house, so it’s whatever, you can leave if you want ” Hayley says, as the only explanation for her sudden appearance and Taylor raises a brow at her, because last time he saw her, she was having the time of her life inside with all their friends, doing a great job at not even pretending that she’s not been ignoring him for the past week  

He grins back bitterly bending down slightly to look at her more properly, and she doesn’t recoil this time, not like last time they were in this same position "Now  that’s  interesting, because you seem to have no intention of talking with me at all tonight”  

Hayley’s panic levels rise at the effortless call out, but she recovers quickly, “It’s not like that T, it’s a new year’s party and I do have other friends ” she says through gritted teeth, with her fists clenched  

He raises his hand in mock surrender, laughing without humor, because for once, she’s proving him right in all his thoughts, she doesn’t want him like that , he was supposed to take the hint when she turned away as he tried to kiss her last time, but apparently he’s thick like that, so it takes him more than one rejection to get the message, or maybe he's just drunk and wants to feel that pain  

They settled into a silence, Hayley bussing herself with her phone as Taylor prepares to light yet another cigarette needing the stress reliever more than ever, and he’s engrossed in the task when her sweet voice cuts through the air  

"Can I have one?” she asks chewing on her lower lip nervously, suddenly aware of the strange intimacy of a late night (or early morning) alone with Taylor and her feelings, the cool air and the ambience of the laid-back party still going on inside, seeping in through the careful thought-out distance they both keep from each other “Sure”  

It feels kinda odd that their setting is almost more inviting to make bad decision than the alcohol filled house behind, but the early morning glow of the slowly rising sun cast his eyes in a type of light that makes it hard not see every feeling passing through him  

Hayley watches his fingers fiddle with an envelope, until she realizes he’s rolling his own cigarette, instead of smoking straights like he usually does, and she’s got a million questions, because it’s so not like Taylor, but somehow super endearing    

“Here” he ran his tongue along the paper, securing it down, and her breathing almost stops, green eyes following his every action, until he snaps her out of it, handing the cigarette to her neatly rolled, passing her the lighter, and she almost want to laugh, because he’s doing it on purpose to annoy her, knowing fully well that she still prefers him , lighting them for her “you are so annoying”  

Taylor notices her struggle and gives her a knowing smirk, as if saying ‘see, I know you better than you think’ but in reality, comes off more like ‘I'd be more than happy to help you, any time’ and Hayley hates how much she wants to kiss him right there and there   

He places his own cigarette between his lips unlit, reaching around Hayley to grab the lighter, two quick brushes and he lits it, then moves to place his hands over hers, raising her hands up to light the cigarette between her lips, it’s the closest contact they’d had in over a week, and it’s made her more than a little dizzy, because of how he makes a point of staying close on purpose, teasing, pushing, daring her to give in, and forget all the reasons why this is all so wrong  

“Thanks” she mumbles, looking down as she feels Taylor’s eyes linger on her with interest, the rush of their push and pull hitting her harder than the nicotine, as they stay on the front porch silently exhaling smoke until he speaks again  

“You have a funny way of smoking” He notes, his tone almost unreadable, though, it doesn’t seem unkind or snarky, she still narrows her eyes at him “how so”  

“It’s almost dainty, and I guess I just find it ironic”  

“I’m not dainty?” Hayley  knows she’s not dainty, never has, and yet the comment stings a bit  

“Nahh” he exhaled slowly “you’re like a storm. A force of nature Hayles, and you’re anything but dainty" He notes chuckling softly " you make noise, loud and bold and, quite frankly, amazing”   

She's not sure if this is reality, or just another alcohol induced lucid dream where she actually does Kiss him, either way she doesn't know how to respond to that “I don’t feel like that T, haven’t felt like that in a long time”   

He breathes out a cloud of smoke, tapping ash off the end of his cigarette “you always seem it , to me ”  

“Don't lie”  

“I'm not”  

“But all I do is either cry on you or bring you problems”  

“I guess I enjoy it. Is that I don't know, sadistic?”  

“So, you get off on the mess? is that what you are trying to say”  

Taylor’s face sours at the words “Don't put it like that, I meant that I like knowing that you trust me enough to see you at your worse, that you want me around even when you don’t feel like yourself”  

I want you around all the time    

Had they gotten closer? The morning air had a bite to it, but all she could think about was Taylor, every single passing thought was about him, making her shiver involuntarily, the cigarette in her hand practically forgotten and almost burned out  

“We can go back inside if you're cold?” He offers, because of course he’d notice 

“No”  

Just want to stay here, with you    

He grins at her at the quick response, and it makes something finally snap in Hayley’s head, spreading a warm feeling in the pit of her stomach that has her aching to have him near  

She drops the cigarette, finally letting go of that horrible thought, small hand reaching out to his face in a shy tentative move, his eyes focus on her, big and bright and consuming and all Hayley can think about is how absolutely beautiful he is, so handsome, and familiar , and hers    

Taylor breaks the silence, then, voice conflicted, as he says it “Don’t. I gave it a go Hayles, and you turned me down, I can’t keep playing cat and mouse if you don’t want me like that”  

“What if I do?”  

“What's changed?”  

“I’m tired of pretending , of pretending I don’t want you, that I don’t want you every moment of every day, and I’m so sorry I’ve made it so painfully horrible for us, I hate that I didn’t kiss you back that night, but I couldn't compute right, because any time I have you this close, my brain shorcuts,  you are all I can think about T ”  

Taylor places his hands on her hip dragging her closer “Kiss me, then, It's your turn ”  

“We’re taking turns now?”  

“Just kiss me Hayley” his eyes roll back in his head as her mouth finally kisses him slow and hard, their lips slanting over each other at a pace that is almost agonizing, both minds racing a million miles an hour processing and trying to imprint the feeling into memory, hands roaming and touching any part they can reach.  

Hayley kisses him as if her life depended on it, long and deep, pouring every last bit of emotion into it and they stay lost in each other until  he needs to pull away to catch his breath, chuckling softly as she protests indignantly  

“Why did you stop?”   

The child like pout on her lips prompting him to let out another short laugh, smiling down at her with nothing but love and adoration "Breathing is a pretty essential part of not dying”  

“Seems really unimportant, right now doesn't it?” He pinches her hips at the comment and leans down to kiss her again slower this time, the scent of cigarette smoke and her perfume mingled with the cold air   

“We should head back inside” Taylor says reluctantly, bringing her hands up to his mouth, pressing a kiss against her knuckles gingerly, the softness of it making her chew bottom lip out of nervous habit, flustered and reluctant to show it, although her mind feel dizzy, not knowing how to go from here, after all they’ve confessed, with words and touches.  

Back in the house, Hayley expects them to find another secluded place to keep on doing what they were doing outside, and she’s about to suggest they just leave the party to go up to his room, making a jog for the stairs as steady as she can manage with her tipsy mind, before she realizes he’s not behind her, feet firmly keeping him at the bottom of the staircase with his hands in his pockets, looking conflicted, a dreadful feeling washing over her at the sight, 

“you are regretting it aren’t you?” she points out with a frown, feeling a muddle of anger and disappointment, because she could never regret him  

“Hayles” he sighs “we can’t just treat this lightly, this...this is not just a convenience thing, if it was then any one would do, but that's not what you mean to me and I can’t just jump into bed with you” Taylor says with all the honesty he can manage in his drunken state, trying to treat this carefully but his face betrays him, features set in grimace, as if it pains him to say all those words out loud, which makes her smile dumbly at the implications 

“So, you would come to bed with me?” Hayley taunts, raising a brow, embolden by the alcohol and his words 

Taylor only chuckles “you’ll be the death of me”  

She hops down a few steps, stopping at the bottom where she’s closer to Taylor’s height and when she’s sure no one is around to interrupt or steal away from their moment, she links her arms around his neck to whisper the words "It's not a convenience thing T, that's not what you mean to me" 

Hayley pulls him in again and he doesn’t resist at all, kissing her back in a sloppy but happy exchange, because this moment is theirs and all that really matters is the feel of her smaller hands tugging at the curls on the back of his neck and the way his lips keep on kissing her insistingly, as if he can’t get enough. 

Everything else they can sort out tomorrow.    

 

Nashville, April 2019     

Hayley was sat at her kitchen table reading the sassy worded emails Brian had sent her for the past week about the new hair launch, there were so many, she had half the mind to ignore them for another day but the all caps text she’d gotten from her best friend that very morning, had an obvious ‘out of patience’ undertone, one she knew could end bad, and that suggested, it was better to just send him a reply as soon as possible, instead of keep messing with him, like she’d done for a few days.   

Her new roommate was busy in the background making some tea for the both of them, it was weird the way life had fallen into place so quickly after, months of just darkness, and she’d never thought of living with someone, but when Joey had found himself without a place to live after Docky had moved back to LA, she’d been more than happy to offer him the spare room at her house without giving it much thought, the quick decision giving Hayley’s life a lovely new routine, that consisted of easy mornings just like, filled with full belly laughs and fun chats over coffee or tea, endless topics, passing through the hours.   

Hayley had to admit that from all the heart ache the Jeremy drama had cause her (and still did sometimes), Joey had been the silver lining none of them saw coming, their lovely friend was a sunny day after a storm ( and what a storm! ), although he’d been part of the Paramore family for years, they’d only had become really close during the last tour, when their bass player had been there for her helping get through the worse of it, always happy to offer a shoulder to cry or a judgement free ear, that had listened to all the good and the bad, that she’d gone through in the past two years.   

 This new living dynamic always made her smile, because Slowly, she could feel that her life was falling into place, that the awful dreading feeling that used to set in her body, every time her alarm would go off again waking her up to another day, had been now replace by a lovely peace that settled in the air around her, any time she could hear joey closing the front door after him as he left for his morning jog, most times with Alf , since her pup was always happy to offer the moral support for her friend.   

She’s woken up from her reflective thoughts when Joey places a steaming hot mug of the tea in front of her moving to sit on the opposite chair with his own in hand, taking a generous sip before starting their morning chatty session,   

“I’m so over dating people that don’t make their feelings clear” he rambles, letting out an exasperated huff to add to his words, and the comments catches her attention, since he’d been so excited about his newish relationship   

 “What happened this time? thought he’d been a total gentleman when you guys went out to dinner” she offers with a curious look, wanting him to elaborate, because the tall, beautiful Italian like model seemed very into her friend, last time she checked   

“He was a gentleman, but he seems to lack skills in the communication department, badly, because I have no idea what part of us going out on weekly dates, texting constantly, me showing up at his place to surprise him, says, ‘oh yeah, I want to see other people’ ” Joey tells her in annoyance, his face falling a bit as he lets out the words   

“He wants to see other people?” Hayley questions in surprise, because from the one time she’d met him, it didn’t seem like that at all, so this is very shocking news   

 Joey raises his arms over his head in an exasperated manner, letting out the next part in a super frustrated tone “That man doesn’t fucking know what he wants!”    

And those simple words are the thing that triggers a certain memory in her mind.     

 

Take the elephant by the hand and hold it
It's cruel to tame a thing that don't know its strength
But better to walk beside it
Mm, than underneath
My kind companion
Softens stone
My gentle giant
Painful reminder 

 

Barcelona, January 2018 (start of tour three)   

“What are you doing?” Joey’s voice gives her quite the fright, since she was sure no one would be coming down for breakfast this early, it was why she had decided to be up at the witching hour, so she could be clear of any of the guys today   

“What? nothing, nothing, just getting myself a snack for later, because sound check might run well into the morning” She answers in a blabber that sounds messy even to her own ears   

“Right, so this early start of the day has nothing to do with Taylor? Or your new year’s rendezvous?” he asks incredulous   

“Oh, for fucks sake!”   

“Grab your food and we can figure out a plan over breakfast, cause clearly you’ll need back up, I felt the awkwardness at the airport, and it was so painful to watch H” It’s more of a command than anything really, so she does as she told, filling two bowls with granola and fruit as Joey goes to get them drinks.   

They sit on one of the tables by the window, the hotel is close to the beach, so the sea view is a very welcome change even in the dead of winter, still, she wishes she would’ve sticked to her original plan of having room service, because she’s not sure of what to say if Joey drops a straight forward question...   

Hayley’s bounces up and down anxiously as she watches her friend set a cup of steaming hot tea in front of her, he sits just in front, sipping from his coffee, dragging it on until she can’t take it anymore   

“Ok, just asks please, the silence is driving me mad!” she snaps, making Joey grin softly into his coffee   

“I’m not gonna push you to tell me what happened at the new year’s party, but know that I’m aware, something must’ve happened, otherwise you wouldn’t be avoiding each other like the plague, and wouldn’t be keeping Brian at arm's length"   

The comment sends her into a spiral, because it’s clear that they were nowhere near as subtle as she’d hoped that night, and even worse the night before at the airport, Joey also feels like a safe, judgment free friend to confess, because he won’t tell her off, he’ll just listen, and she’s got so much on her mind, talking about it with him, maybe actually help, untangle some of her thoughts.   

“We kissed”   

Her friend doesn’t say anything at the quiet admission, but the smirk nearly takes over his whole face   

“I went out to the front porch to tell him we were starting the count down, or that was the plan but then he looked back at me with so much longing I just couldn’t hold back anymore, and we kissed ” Hayley says, hiding her face on her hands offering a tamed very small run over all that went down that night. 

“So why are you two avoiding each other? I know that you stayed back that night, was it a bad kiss? Did something more happened?”    

“no it wasn’t, It was a great kiss!” she says getting a little fluster just thinking about it and the sight tugs at her friends heart, because for once, she’s overthinking about a ‘problem’ that isn’t really a problem, even if she can't see it  right now, “and yeah, I stayed over, but nothing more happen it was fine, we fell asleep, drunk and tired and I was fine not anxious at all to be honest, if anything T was the one panicking, and getting inside his head which is funny because he had no problem kissing me back”   

“But?” Joey asks, with a big grin, about the last part, she's just shared 

“But then I went home the next day and once my brain had sober up, it dawned on me what we’ve done, so now I don't know how to go about it, because yeah we can say it was for good luck, or that it happened because we were drunk or whatever bullshit we will come up with to justify it, but I know that wasn't just a friendly kiss, joe” she mutters replying the memory in her mind    

“H, I hate to break it to you, but you two have never been just friends ” and just because there’s no point in denying anymore, at least not to joey, she hides her head in her hands groaning the words “I know...”   

“Have you two ever had... anything like this before?” he wonders out of sheer curiosity, and not at all to upset her    

“I don’t think so” she says not even trying to look for other memories, because it’s true, the two have never kissed before that night, even if in the moment, it felt like it was a well-practiced dance “Not like this... I don’t know, we've always flirted a lot, that’s just how we’ve always been, teasing, pushing and pulling, challenging each other, but we’ve never crossed the platonic line, it's not so bad though, right? Like it was just the one time, and it’s not so out of normal to share a drunken kiss with your best friend, I’ve heard stories from all of you guys before” she says hoping to maybe convinced him, but mostly herself   

“Honey, I’d make out with you in a heartbeat but it’s nothing like what’s between you and Taylor, and this is not coming from a patriarchal point of view, because I believe a man and a woman can be friends, the thing is that the way you two act, the way you two look at each other, has never been just friendly, and what’s more, there’s always been that underlaying  tension, that fuels your interactions” he tells her gesturing his hands to emphasize his point   

“What do you mean?” Hayley asks, not getting the point   

“Well, if Taylor was my boyfriend and I had to watch him with you, I’d feel horrible” he offers in all honesty “Listen, I’m not sure I’m the one that should be telling you this, but here we are , so I’ll make it simple, for you, It’s hard not to be jealous when you’re in a relationship with someone and that person completely forgets your existence once you enter the room, Hayley” Joey says referring to Taylor’s last relationship   

His blonde friend frowns at the words “It’s not like that, Joe, come on! I always made an effort try to be friends with them and...“   

Joey holds up his hands to stop her “There’s your answer H, ‘ effort ’ been the key word here, but it’s not just you, it’s also Taylor! Because he couldn’t even try to fake how much he hated who shall not be named, in fact by the end he didn’t give a fuck how it looked to the rest, and that’s saying something”   

Hayley stays quiet for a second, feeling somewhat offended by the call out, because now every time she thinks of the past, it sends her into this anxious frenzy tr ying to pick apart every single one of their interactions, to read them in this new light, and she wishes she could just leave this realization here in the table with Joey, because every time her brain does the work, Hayley realizes that her friend is absolutely right, that they both were as bad as each other, that consciously or not, they never let anyone in the way they let each other see everything about the other, good, bad and ugly.     

“Taylor doesn’t see me like that” she tries weakly, hoping to convince herself more than Joey “We’ve always referred to each other as friends, best friend even , we tell each other everything, I’ve told him everything about me, why would he keep this from me, this long?”   

“Because you’re both lying to yourselves and doing so, has gotten comfortable” Joey offers “I mean I’m not one to judge either of you, because you had enough reason to be scared, but God! It feels good to finally address it, we’ve all seen something more than friendship between you, for years, but it was no one’s place to say something other than you two” He lets out, making her face fall at the honesty   

 “C’mon H, why do you think every relationship he had got nowhere? Why he never saw any of them going past a surface level type of thing? Why he stayed with you know who for so long even though they would break up every other day? and if we’re being really honest here, I don’t understand how this didn’t happen sooner, because If I were you, I’d have ravished that man years ago. Respectfully ”   

She knows Joey’s right, and somehow that makes it all worse in her mind...     

Hayley lets her head rest against the cool leather of the booth, trying to process it all, because life didn’t make sense now and she wondered if it ever would make sense again, after that fucking night that had flipped her everything upside down and it’s still managed to make her head spin “Does everybody know?”   

“Know what? Thay you guys kissed or that you have feeling for each other?”   

She sighs, at the use of words from Joey, because there’s nothing, she can say to contradict his statement and Joey must feel her spiraling again, because he grabs her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze,   

 “That you kissed, no, but we suspected something might’ve happened and about your feelings...is painfully obvious H, but if it helps, we are all rooting for you two, you guys are adorable”   

“Fuck”   

A wave of relief replaces some of the anxiety that had been stored inside Hayley’s mind for a week thanks to their talk, and she never guessed that saying some of it a loud would actually help (Sorry therapist), but Joey made it easy, so judgment free and understanding... and as if he could hear her train of thought, he speaks up again “You’ve been living with this since that night at T’s house haven’t you? I'm sorry H, you must’ve been losing your mind”   

“I was, I am ” she confesses “My wine consumption has been terribly high the past few days, because I’ve been dodging Brian as much as possible not sure of what to say, and that plus my poor attempts of numbing every thought of Taylor, would’ve surely turned me into an alcoholic, so thanks for the intervention, you were just in time”   

“Oh sweetie, not even the world can shut up about how hot Taylor’s been looking lately, how could you ever forget him?”   

How could she ever forget about him, and his insisting lips and warm strong arms holding her close and making her head spin thanks to the familiar scent of home?     

Although Hayley realizes quickly that admitting the plain truth to Joey hasn’t made all hell break loose, she’s not exactly feeling braver to share every thought she’s had about Taylor in the past week, because some, are very vivid and very ‘adult’, but maybe asking for advice can be a good start, to stop fighting it, and her friend has shown a lot of empathy, something she could really use right now, since she’s been struggling quite a bit with it all, and keeping it all inside any longer, will wreck her organs... that’s how bad their little cat and mouse game has gotten   

“What are you going to do now Hayley? You can’t ignore him forever; in fact, I reckon you can’t even ignore him past this breakfast date with me “Joey tells her softly, as he pushes some hair from her face, in a loving way   

“Fuck I don’t know, I really really don’t know how to go about it now” she says in defeat, because she’s really tried to think of anything else to give in response, but as any time that she thought back to new year’s or more specifically, Taylor’s lips on hers, Hayley’s left with nothing but the messy truth   

“Do you want to forget about it? to leave it as a onetime slip up?” he tries gently, his smile bigger than it’s been in a while when she shakes her head no immediately   

“It’s difficult to explain Joe, because what I want and what I should want aren’t the same thing” she tells him, making her friend frown “and neither is what I will get, all of it are just polar opposites”   

Joey sighs at the riddles she’s speaking trying to explain something that is so simple and obvious anyone can tell if they spent five minutes in the presence of his two friends “You want Taylor, Hayley, is not that complicated” he tells her, sensing the incoming interruption from the blonde, so he rushes the next part “And I know, the situation may be complicated but your feelings are not, so don’t try to convince yourself they are”   

She mulls over his words for a minute, as if trying her hardest to find something, anything at all to shut down that comment from her friend, but nothing comes to mind, so she just sighs out loud in defeat “Yeah, I do, I want him, I want him so much” She admits shyly before dropping her head in her hands in an anxious way “I’m so fucked Joe, so so fucked...”   

Her friend doesn’t argue with the statement, pulling her in for a warm hug instead. He can understand where her fears lie, anyone could , but there’s a lot of comfort in knowing that although Hayley can’t see it yet, this time there’s nothing to worry about, because the feelings are very mutual, so much so that even a blind person could see how much Taylor wants her back.     

....

Joey babblers about his date for a bit longer until his detailed recount of events doesn’t get any reply from his blonde friend, so he looks up, only to find her deep inside her mind, lost in hers thought    

“Earth to Hayley! Are you even listening to me? Where did you go?”   

 “Sorry just got distracted”   

“An understatement” he laughs, “what are you thinking about, you have a furrow between your brows so bad, it’ll give you wrinkles babe” her friend jokes, and the subtle move to help her relax reminds Hayley that Joey is one of the few people with who she can be completely honest, because he would never judge her or make her feel uncomfortable about her feelings or thoughts.   

“Hey joe”   

“mm?”   

“Do you have plans for the day?”   

“No, I don’t, what do you have in mind?”   

“Just think you could help me with something”   

Don't look in my eyes, I feel a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
Don't know if I can deny a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
Your fingerprints on my skin, a painful reminder
Don't look in my eyes, I feel a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
A sudden desire

 

Los Angeles, September 2019     

Oh she’ll be the death of me     

Taylor’s five pages into scrolling through the finest whiskey selection money can buy, thinking about how this specific purchase should come from Hayley’s hard earn cash and not his, since once again, she’s given them enough substance with the new lyrics, to mess with them forever, plus that one was the final blow for Zac to claim the one thing he’s been wanting to say, scratch that, to  gloat about since that night, the trusty, old, I told you so...     

It’s barely nine in the morning but he’s already sat by the desk that might as well be an extension of his body at this point, the place he can mostly be found these days, never mind the hour of day or night.     

They had started the recording process for her first solo project fairly recently, the small collection of songs, so very near and dear to Taylor’s heart, that he was set on getting everything perfect, because every little lyric was a reflection on how much growth she’d done in the past years both personally and as a musician and he could not be prouder of Hayley, the feeling at times too much for his body, when he really thought about it, because he’d been there to see the very worst of it, something that somehow now felt but a distant nightmare, with how good life together was these days, the imagine of her green eyes fluttering slowly, only to be shut down again, as her head moved a bit closer to his chest in a silent request to just stay in bed a little longer, still fresh on his mind.   

Ok, so maybe he didn’t really mind it as much, not when those mornings where now a constant, and with that though in mind, he let’s go of his previous annoyance, adding another very expensive bottle of liquor to his cart, going ahead and calling their music team as well, so he can place a custom order for his favorite drummer.   

xxxx

Won't fit in the room, big balloon
Trails me 'cause I can't let go
Everywhere I am, it sticks close like a friend
Just like him
Just like him

“Took you guys long enough!!” Taylor says to Zac and Logan in a deeply annoyed tone, barging past a chatty Hayley and Carlos to push lightly on Joey’s shoulder, to pull the ice cream parlor’s door open as they all follow close behind.   

“The ice cream craving that bad? What are you guys doing to my poor best friend in that studio, that has him nursing a new sugar addiction?” Zac asks Hayley with a curious look on his face, but before she can give him an answer, Joey beats her to it   

“She’s making him work on songs about himself”    

“Good or bad?” Logan asks carefully   

“That depends on who you ask” Carlos intervenes with a grimace on his face, that makes the group lets out a soft chuckle   

“He’s just being dramatic, and it’s also a bit hangry” Hayley adds, trying to play it off, but her cheeks are a bit pinker at the mention of the new songs they’ve been recording this week.   

Once They all get their ice cream, the group settles on a table outside, enjoying the warm Los Angeles air, Taylor’s arm is around his pretty girlfriend that chats enthusiastically with Joey and Logan about the new ideas they’ve been working on and He’s so grateful for her never-ending chatting topics that have served as a good distraction for the group, that are just waiting for the sugar to hit him, before they bring it up, especially Zac.   

Who just patiently sits on the other side of the table until he finds the perfect moment to say something, watching from the corner of his eye how his curly best friend goes for the ice cream eagerly, spoonful after spoonful, and once his face is looking a bit more relaxed, and Hangry T has left the building, he shoots his shot.   

“So, how's the recording going guys?”   

“Oh, for fuck sakes! Can I just enjoy my Ice cream in peace for once?” Taylor whines, and the reactions around the table are very similar grins save for Carlos, who looks traumatized to have this conversation once again, and with everyone     

“Wasn’t asking you Taylor, I’m asking the artist, I already know how you are doing, look at you, she’s got you with a psoriasis rush and on the verge of a sugar addiction!”   

“You think you are funny!” his best friend answers, before Hayley has a chance, and he’s so fed up with the teasing and a bit over worked as well, that they all watch in horror how he snaps “You get one question, and none about the lyrics, so think real good about what you want to ask Zac”   

Their favorite drummer scratches his head, pretending to be thinking until he fixes him with a smirk and the next thing that comes out of his mouth leaves both Taylor and Hayley red as a tomato “I was wondering what’s the artistic choice behind the wet slapping sound at the start of the song” He says with a straight face, rejoicing in the way both pairs of eyes go wide   

“Oh my god!”    

“Grow up, will you?!”   

They both protest at the same time, but the laughs around the table are lighthearted and, annoyed or not, Taylor does feel really grateful to be able to joke about these things after how the start of the year went, dark months of uncertainty and heartbreak, somehow this feels like growth, for all of them.   

Friendly reminder
Of a sudden desire

They make their way back to the studio in light conversation and once they get back, Taylor excuses himself, leaving Hayley to wonder what he might be up to, as she watches him pick up something from his desk and leave out the back, making his way down the garden to the other recording room, where Zac can usually be found recording for half noise.   

Taylor Tapps loudly on the window to get his attention, happy to find him alone a light smile tugging at on his best Friends's lips once he caughts sight of him   

“Miss me already?” he asks, since they’ve just come back from their ice cream run, so his curly friend’s sudden appearance seems odd, because he rarely leaves his desk other than to go eat with them, like they have done today.   

“naa, I was just coming to pay my dues, guess is better late than never” His curly haired best friend tells him with a playful smirk, that prompts a confused look on Zac’s face, until he looks thought the bag he’s just been handed, two bottles of the finest whiskey inside and a very especial pair of drumming sticks, that upon better inspection seem custom made, so he squints his eyes to read the words engraved, breaking out a loud laugh once he reads the message Taylor’s left on them ‘Zac told me so’ , realization dawning on him after that, and they both share a knowing smile, feeling the happiness and lightness of the moment, as he leans over to hug him with a firm pat on the back, accepting gladly the playful gift   

“Oh, T! Never have I ever been happier to be right!”   

“Me too Z, me too!”   

I wanted him to kiss me how
With open mouth, an open mouth
We keep our distance now
I wanna feel his hand go down
I try not to think about
What happened last night outside his house
Too far to go back now
Just wanna feel his hands go down

December 2017, Taylor’s house  

“Z: Fucking hell Taylor Just Kiss her! I love you, you are my best friend in the whole wide world, but you can be so thick sometimes! Hayley’s been giving you the heart eyes all year!”   

“T: I can’t just go ahead and kiss her! What do you mean, we are working on a song Zac, an emotional song!, you know how personal nineteen feels, of course she’s gonna seek comfort, of course she’s gonna go for a hug, but that doesn’t mean I should just take advantage of her vulnerability to jump her bones! she’d kill me! She'd cut my balls, besides that’s not how it should be, I will do it, I've made up my mind, but not tonight! So, stop texting me! she’s been asking what you want, and I have nothing to say back, because I can’t go, ‘oh, I fucked up and told Z you were coming over so now he’s pestering me about it!”   

“Z: omg! just do something because this is getting so painful to watch, it’s been a whole freaking year! she wants you to make a move Taylor, why do you think she invited you to the me without you concert last month??, more than that I’m so fucking sure she would be more than happy to kiss you back eagerly  if you let go of your thoughts for once!, she may be unsure of a lot of things, but never of you, I’ll buy you the finest bottle of whiskey money can buy if I'm wrong, I swear to god I’ll hunt down the best one I can afford, that’s how sure I am!”   

“T: bye Zac, I can’t do this right now”   

“Z: KISSSSSSSSSSSSSS HERRRRRRRRRRR”  

-------------------------------------------

I wanted him to kiss me how
With open mouth and open mouth
We keep our distance now
I wanna feel his hands go down
I try not to think about
What happened last night outside his house
Too far to go back now
Just wanna feel his hands go down

Sudden, sudden desire
Sudden, sudden desire
A sudden desire

Take the elephant by the hand and hold it
It's cruel to tame a thing that don't know its strength
But better to walk beside it
Mm, than underneath
My kind companion
Softens stone
My gentle giant
Painful reminder

Don't look in my eyes, I feel a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
Don't know if I can deny a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
Your fingerprints on my skin, a painful reminder
Don't look in my eyes, I feel a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
A sudden desire

Won't fit in the room, big balloon
Trails me 'cause I can't let go
Everywhere I am, it sticks close like a friend
Just like him
Just like him

Friendly reminder
Of a sudden desire

Don't look in my eyes, I feel a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
Don't know if I can deny a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
Your fingerprints on my skin, a painful reminder
Don't look in my eyes, I feel a sudden desire (sudden, sudden desire)
A sudden desire

I wanted him to kiss me how
With open mouth, an open mouth
We keep our distance now
I wanna feel his hand go down
I try not to think about
What happened last night outside his house
Too far to go back now
Just wanna feel his hands go down

 

Chapter 3: First thing to go

Summary:

Taylor’s sitting in the corner of the patio, dressed in a thick sweater she’d gotten him a few years back, his legs are covered by a blanket as he reads a book peacefully, so unbothered that she can’t help to stare at the beautiful man she gets to call hers, the action cut short when his eyes go up, as if sensing that she’s close, and the love she see so plainly there when he catches her eye nearly makes her melt, because it’s not fair that he can turn her legs to jelly with just one cheeky once over, and she tries really hard to steady her breathing not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing just how very close to her she truly keeps him, when he takes a few steps forward to go stand by her.  

Notes:

Technically the next song should be why we ever but since hayley said that FFV is a detour somewhere between petals for armor part I and II, i thought that i would go with that since it makes more sense that way.
-Love, Em

Nashville, End of January 2019

Hayley leaves her therapist office in a blur.

She turns the engine on trying very hard to focus on the road in front of her. Is late, the dark bluish sky and crisp cold air making her very aware that she should’ve packed a jacket when she left home, and although there’s a familiar hoodie currently siting on her back sit, she can’t bring herself to put it on, not when it still smells like him, even after months not wearing it. 

It was a monday again, the day she had pinned for her therapy sessions since she had admitted to herself that this wasn’t going to be a quick fix and she should seek help again. 

First thing to go was the sound of his voice, I
It echoes still, I'm sure but I can't hear it
Was it gentle or cold? Or maybe just noise, I
Heard what I wanted, until
I couldn't

At the end of last year she would’ve assured anyone that she was finally over all the crap her ex husband had put her through, she was happier than she ever remember being and it wasn’t fake for once or out elaborate things, it was simple, like summer shows under the sun with the guys that left a lovely redness to her cheeks and added more freckles to her nose.

It was Brian’s laugh echoing from the walls as they sang loudly and out of key just for the fun of it, it was Zac dropping by to watch cartoons some mornings just because he could, it was the video of Nora Justin had sent her when she had performed one of their songs at her school’s talent show. If she had to be honest though, most of her happiness always had one common factor, a brown curly haired man with the kindest heart she’d ever seen and the very reason why, even if all those things had stayed the same since last november, the absence of his hand on her thigh as they drove home after a long day, was the constant reminder of how much she had been fooling herself. 

Trauma was a sneaky thing she had discover, it came out of the bushes with no warning at all and in her case, in the form of a tiny little Hayley with a hammer on glass ready to wreck it all. 

And wreck it all she had, so much so that she didn’t even blame him for how things were now, in fact sometimes she wished he would’ve been just a little bit harder on her, scream at her or threw some stuff around; but that was not him. 

It’s not like he was out of her life completely either, that would never even be possible she thinks bitterly; years of staying by her side through every crap life threw at her all over her house, all over her memories, all over her really but it was different now, no calls before bed falling sleep to him singing her lullabies to soothe the nightmares, no Alf getting over excited when he could see him by the door, no nights out with friends ending up on make out session on her couch after too much wine, no Taylor. 

And though it’s been months by now (having called it quits last november), this pain is not one she can let go of, not that she wants to even. 

And I 
Scared to lose 
I 
What's left of 
You 

Her session today had been rough (when wasn’t it though), the topic of the day had revolving around the week she had decided to get a divorce, Lauren (her therapist) talking her through it in a way that helped her understand better the coping mechanisms she uses , how she had learned to guard herself in order to avoid more pain. She knew she was making progress, Lauren herself had said so and her friends and family could see it too, still, she missed his little words of encouragement, always so proud even when she herself didn’t see the progress sometimes. 

The cold hits her hard once she’s out of the car so she makes a quick run to her front door where she’s met by an overly excited Alf his only companion these days, she pets him on the head scratching his little ears and walks them both inside the house. 

She feeds Alf and moves to the kitchen to start making some dinner. she’s trying she tell herself, putting some music on, pouring a glass of wine and cooking a meal, and even if she does feel a bit of pride for the progress these little moments of solitude represent, the truth is that she’d much rather have him sitting on the kitchen table as they play their silly little music game, the one he always wins no matter what, because of course he does! 

And is a lingering thought in her head, every morning, every day for the past three months, that she should probably start to let go, that it would be healthy to maybe stop wearing his shirt to bed, stop making 2 portions of food when she cooks, stop sleeping on the right side of the bed, but the reality of it is that doing so would hurt far more than doing all of those things, she can't make herself lose what's left of him. 

Hayley steps outside onto the porch at the back of his after going to pick up their food for the night, and the wooden panels creak beneath her feet as she looks around for the familiar mop of curls, that can always make her heart beat faster.  

Taylor’s sitting in the corner of the patio, dressed in a thick sweater she’d gotten him a few years back, his legs are covered by a blanket as he reads a book peacefully, so unbothered that she can’t help to stare at the beautiful man she gets to call hers, the action cut short when his eyes go up, as if sensing that she’s close, and the love she see so plainly there when he catches her eye nearly makes her melt, because it’s not fair that he can turn her legs to jelly with just one cheeky once over, and she tries really hard to steady her breathing not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing just how very close to her she truly keeps him, when he takes a few steps forward to go stand by her.  

“We should probably take them down soon, right?” she asks, looking around the ceiling at the fairy lights she’d convinced him to put up during the holidays the year before, the sparkles reflecting in her eyes, making him stutter a bit when he answers, because it’s not fair that she can have that effect out of something so out of her control “Thought we could leave them a little longer” He mutters against the side of her neck dropping a hot kiss there as he pulls her to him 

“It makes the place…”   

“Magical?” she interrupts, eyes still on the lights  

“Yes. And romantic. Perfect for dancing” Taylor says taking a step away from her, grabbing her hand to twirl her in his arms, wrapping her in a loving embrace as they sway from side to side, singing slowly into her ear, some silly tune he heard earlier that day, to make her laugh.  

Time moves slow, I just talk to myself, I 
Finish my own sentences, the way 
You used to 

“Your laughter is my favorite sound in the whole world” He whispers, enjoying the way her cheeks turn pink from the tenderness of the moment, it only lasts a minute though, because soon enough she’s whispering back some very naughty things that get Taylor to laugh whole Heartly, because in a classic Hayley move, she’s shut down all the romantic ambience he was aiming for with a simple cheeky remark.  

“You are so annoying” he tells her pinching her hip lightly to make her squeal “this is not the right girlfriend behavior for a date night”  

“I mean, you knew what you were getting yourself into T, so jokes on you”  

“Can you play nice just for like an hour, I have plans for us tonight” He pleads, making her smile at the tone  

“Right, so I shouldn’t tell you about what color underwear I’m wearing then?” She says in teasing, hand going up to ranks the back of his neck, enjoy the slight shiver that goes down his spine at her touch  

“How disappointing, was hoping you weren’t wearing any” Taylor says, but she gets a funny look as if she’s thinking hard about something, and he quirks up a brow in question  

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asks, observing how she moves closer, arms around his neck drawing him in until her cheek is resting on the space between his shoulder and neck  

“I just love you, so much” Hayley says with complete adoration, knocking the wind right out of his lungs, arms tightening on her small frame as he echos it back getting a bit choked up and kicking himself on his mind, because the night hasn't even started and he already feels about ready to combust from all the emotions running through his body  “I love you too, so so in love with you, Hayles” He murmurs with his lips close to her hair and the sigh of contentment she lets out is so sweet he could’ve stay like that for the rest of the nigh, just holding on to each other under the fairy lights.  

“C’mon, let’s go inside it’s too cold to stay here any longer”  

“Don’t care, want to stay here with you” She answers, tightening her hold on him, and he can’t help but smile, because though the words are simple, he’s waited so long to hear them come out of her mouth and paired with the heavy longing in her voice it’s almost too much for his heart, but he’s not missed her little body shivering from the cold air, so he angles her face up and kisses her slows, savoring the moment, and stretching it as much as possible, before giving her one last loving peck, and lacing their fingers to guide her back inside the house “we’ve got all the time in the world my love”  

“You promise?”  

“I promise”  

The fort made out of blankets and pillows was her idea and when Hayley had decided that she wanted a movie marathon, and who was he really to deny her?   

It'd taken Taylor most of the afternoon to arrange the playful setting on their living room and though he’d cursed at various moments of his crazy endeavor, pushing Alfie out of the cushions so they would be well arranged for the night or keeping her from going down the stairs for most of the day, it all seemed but a passing thought if all his efforts could pull a smile that big from Hayley  

“Oh T! It's even better than I could’ve pictured it”  

Why do memories glow the way real moments don't?
I, my altar is full
Of all love's delusion

“So, you like it?” He asks hesitantly still slightly unsure even if his girlfriend looks as happy as can be, going along with it eagerly.

“I love it, it’s perfect, you are perfect” she tells him, peppering kisses all over his face until she pulls a few chuckles from her boyfriend.

They eat in light conversation, sending a few last texts to for work and to friends, forgetting phones altogether after that, both left behind on the coffee table until the next year.  

“I reckon at this point I can recite this whole thing backwards, I don’t get how grandat let you watch it so early on, this is so twisted” Taylor says wincing at the scene in front where the cat’s eyes gleam in a disturbing way as they, of course, watch pet sematery for the million time, something that she knows, her curly haired lover  has only ever done for her, every one of those million times, not as fond on horror films as herself.  

“You know I do appreciate it right?” Hayley tells him in a soft voice as her hands tangle in his hair and Taylor looks up from his position on her stomach at the comment, since it’s come out of nowhere, it feels, but her words leave him feeling everything all at once...  

“It means so much to me, knowing that you do it for me, that even if you don’t like this movie, you’ve never once said that it was a stupid plan, or made a snarky remark about it, you just watch with me, because you know it'll make me happy, because you want me to be happy, and if that means re watching pet sematery again for an hour and a half, you just ask when, or what type of candy should we get, and I just wanted you to know that it doesn’t go unappreciated by me how much you love me, because it’s the same way a feel for you T, I’d give you my hour and a half any time you wanted ”  

And I
Hmm

And I
Hmm
And I
Scared to lose

And I
What's left of you
I
Should forget

The room goes silent, save for both beating hearts that don’t really know what to do with so much tenderness wrapping around them, especially Taylor, who wishes he could stay in this moment with her forever, and yet it’s like he’s forgotten how to speak, can’t seem to find one word in the English language to convey all he feels for her, cause maybe there just isn’t any, not any word at all that could begin to describe how much he really loves her, so instead of words he goes for actions, crawling up on the blanket until he’s hovering over her felling her labored breath on his cheek as he dips down to kiss her.  

Her hand comes up to rest on the back of his neck, keeping him close and he feels her smile into the kiss when she tugs on the curls to pull a half moan of her name, but he doesn’t stop, mind too clouded to ever stop dropping kisses along the side of her neck, across her freckled cheeks, down on her nose, her laugh filling the space around with nothing but warmth.  

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you Hayles, you are so  exceptional, so passionate about the things you love, so gentle with things you care about, so intelligent, so lovely, you deserve much more than an hour and a half...You pour all of you into everything that you do, and you can say whatever you want, but you do have a soft side as much as you think you don’t, you've always let me see it and even if you keep it hidden most times, it never fails to come out for Alfie, for Zac, for your mom  for me, so just know that I'll always be more than happy to watch and rewatch with you, couldn't think of anything I'd rather do, really” he tells her quietly, arms tightly wrap around her, making it impossible for her to move   

“You are everything to me, I love you so much it almost doesn’t fit in my body most of the time” He tells her getting chocked up with emotion   

“Hey, don’t cry,” she whispers as she wipes his cheeks, smiling up at him “Don’t cry, please” she tells him once again, watching the way Taylor closes his eyes, trying to slow his breathing 

“It’s happy tears, I promise, I’m just so so happy” He answers, and Hayley grins when she feels his lips touch her forehead, her smaller hands sliding up his shoulders, to kiss him again, hoping that this feeling never ever goes away. 

-"There is no gain without risk, perhaps no risk without love" 
Stephen King, Pet semantary

 

Taylor's house, April 2020  

It was a warm afternoon in Nashville, spring was in full bloom and the record player in Hayley’s living room echoed through the walls to the beautiful voice of Elvis’s can’t help falling in love. laugher filled the room as Taylor spined her around to the music, he’d never being one for slow dancing before but she pulled out this part of him easily, just one look at her rosy cheeks when he had extended his hand to take her by surprise at the most random time, the delicate weigh of her head as she rested her face on his chest and played with the curls at the back of his neck, he couldn’t think of one other place he’d rather be other than in that very moment, right there, with her, the room could be on fire for all he cared. 

He had gotten pretty used to plans not going right, being in a rock band will do that to you, but not even that could’ve prepared him for all the things twenty had in stores. At this very moment, he was supposed to be on a flight to LA, on his way to meet with some potential artist he would be working with since taking on producing more seriously last year, instead, he had the pleasure of time and stillness the one silver lining to all the crazy shit going on outside the front door. 

With that in mind, he pulls her a bit closer and feels how she tenses a bit, the action making him take a step back to look at her face, something passing her greens eyes briefly and if he hadn’t memorized every little thing about her she could've fooled him with the curve of her smile, but he knows better, so he ask instead “penny for your thoughts?” is her turn to look at him then, concern in the way he furrows his brows, and she’s not even a little bit surprise about how easy it was for him to read her like a book, so she takes a deep breath and just tells him “ I wrote a new song today” 

he takes her hand giving it a little squeeze “ I know, heard you strumming loudly this morning” he laughs, “do you want to show me ?” 
She hadn’t really told him about one particular recurring thought that run through her head these days. 

after finding her old journal from the time they spent apart last year, she saw that some of her entries had a lot of potential to be songs some even fully written, the thing was, they were the best their ever being, no walls anymore, no more hesitation, just Hayley and Taylor and so much love. 

So, wasn’t it like throwing a curse their way if she started to write sad songs again? Like manifesting the bad shit, she had tried so hard to leave behind? 

“ok” she says and takes his hand to lead them to the music room where she spends most of her time, they sit on the couch opposite each other, and she grabs the Ibanez sparkly (small) guitar he’d help her pick out months ago and once she tells herself that this is Taylor in front of her and that he would never judge her, she plays the song for him. 

He stays quiet for a while, until he makes a suggestion about a chord progression, she could change to make it better and then she has to ask, because he is not giving it away that easily it seems. 

“Aren’t you going to say something about the lyrics” a soft tone to her voice 

“Is this why you were hesitant to show me?” 

“Kind of, yeah” she answers with a slight shyness to her posture. 

“Hayley, it goes without saying but i'll say it anyways, you are the most talented lyricist I know and you don’t need me or anyone for that matter, to tell you what you can or can’t write about” he reaches for her hand then, 

"Is a beautiful song, and yeah the shit last year was really hard but if art can come from it maybe we can see it in a different light, don't you think?" 

"do me one favor though, when the songs get too personal, and I’ll let you decide that, maybe give me a bit of space so I can listen to them on my own”, she nods in relief at his words and scoots closer so she can fall into waiting arms that envelop her immediately.

“I think I can do that”

And I
Love what's left
First thing to go was the sound of his voice

-------------------------------------------

First thing to go was the sound of his voice, I
It echoes still, I'm sure but I can't hear it
Was it gentle or cold? Or maybe just noise, I
Heard what I wanted, until
I couldn't

And I
Scared to lose
I
What's left of
You

Time moves slow, I just talk to myself, I
Finish my own sentences, the way
You used to

Why do memories glow the way real moments don't?
I, my altar is full
Of all love's delusion

And I
Hmm

And I
Hmm
And I
Scared to lose

And I
What's left of you
I
Should forget

And I
Love what's left
First thing to go was the sound of his voice

Chapter 4: My limb

Summary:

“I pinned the song last night but don't worry is not for the album or anything; I couldn’t sleep and kept coming back to that aching itchy feeling I used to have and I needed to get it off my chest” she starts, “before you, before us, I never felt ok doing things on my own, I would’ve had a panic attack even thinking about doing an interview by myself” “ I know I'm not entirely over my codependency issues but I'm definitely better and a lot of that has to do with you” she tells him sincerely, “ you gave me a safe place to land, I never had that before”.

Notes:

Before I didn't want to go with the whole break up theme for this song since according to what she's said is more about the codependency but I added some new stuff about it and think it works well with the song.

If you gotta amputate 
Don't give me the tourniquet 
You wish that I would run away 
Sever what isn't working 
But I let my body bleed out 
Lean into my left side 
If your part of me is gone now 
Do I wanna survive? 

 

Late February 2019

In hindsight, Hayley realizes she should’ve just told him she wanted him all to herself. She didn’t handle it well; she knew that then and she knows it now.  

What she didn’t know at the time, what the tiny blonde refused to let herself think was that she wanted more with him, and probably always had.  

Recalling the first-time boundaries were crossed when she’d kissed him; the jealousy he felt when he thought about someone else being the one holding her hand as she put her dark years behind her.  

She remembers when she’d gotten that really painful tattoo, the skin still sensitive and wrapped in protective plastic and yet Taylor had not thought twice before leaning his lips, kissing at it, like a promise of bigger, better things to come.  

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb 
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go) 
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (let go) 
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb 

She supposes that boundaries were disappearing when he’d started bringing over and leaving things at her place, including those goddamn sweatshirts that still faintly smelled like him. He’d been right to question her over the nature of their relationship, but Hayley had been too scared and stubborn in the moment to give a real answer, hadn’t known how to handle all the future she could picture by his side in a classic move, had chosen to push him away instead of admitting just how deep her feelings for him run.  

Fiddling with the phone in her hand, opening and closing Taylor’s contact in his texts, over the course of the past few months she had drafted countless unsent messages, but had ultimately left him in radio silence.  

How fucked was that?  

She didn’t care if it had been four months, or three months, two weeks and five days to be exact, this quiet wall around her were deafening so without another thought, she presses the phone to her ear, holding her breath and losing all hoped that he’ll even answer as the phone on the other end rings and rings.  

After the second ringer, Hayley's sure this is another loss cause, he wouldn’t pick up. The tiny blonde’s about to end the call altogether, not having the heart to face his voicemail when a quiet “hello” echoes through the line.  

“Hi” She couldn’t breathe. “It’s me – it’s Hayley”  

“I know” His low voice sends a jolt through her chest.  

“Didn’t think you would pick up” she tells him laughing humorlessly, realizing in all the fake conversations she’d had with him inside her head, were absolutely no use, doesn’t feel prepared for this.  

“I can hang up if you wan –”  

Funny, out the two of us 
You always were the gentle one 
Shy little rabbit 
Teething on a shotgun 

“No” She speaks quickly. “Sorry I just…”  I love you . “I just want to talk to you,  need  to talk to you”  

Taylor remains silent on the other end and it amps the nervous energy she was already feeling at the prospect of hearing his voice after so long. “Can we meet? I can come over or we...we can get coffee or anything, up to you, I just need to see you”  

He is silent again, and she checks her phone to make sure the call is still ongoing. “I can be at yours in fifteen”  

Hayley’s heart flips at the offer, “ Yes , that’s perfect. I – yes, see you soon, T”  

Those are probably the longest fifteen minutes of her life.  

She spends the time pacing around her place, trying to tidy up but ultimately not getting anything done. By the ten-minute mark she’s sure he’s not coming, but right on time Taylor’s pulling that familiar black car full of memories into her driveway.  

The sight of him alone is making her flush. Seeing him in her space, being i n his company again, for a second there is as if nothing had ever changed.  

“How are you?” She asks, and Hayley can hear the nerves in her own voice.  

“Fine” the word is muttered, as he tentatively sits down on her couch. The very spot he had kissed all the air in her lung's mere months ago, she realizes.  

“Can I get you anything?”  

“No, Hayles” He sighs in defeat with his shoulders slump “I’m not really here to chit chat”  

The tiny blonde nods, knowing he’s completely right so she sits far across from him on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest, watching him with pleading eyes.  

“I know, I –” She looks down at her hands, fiddling with her rings. “I miss you. And I’m really sorry for everything, for the way I handled everything”  

Taylor looks up at her at her words, fidgeting with his sleeves to calm his beating heart, voice quiet and honest. “I miss you too”  

“I really… I really fucked up and losing you was the last thing I wanted” She needs to look away from him as she tells him, “You were right, about us. We shouldn’t –  I shouldn’t  have let things get to be the way they did”  

“What do you mean?” Taylor’s voice is small, calculated.  

“I mean… I was being selfish. I –  fuck  I wanted more, and I was being selfish with you, T”  

She tries to gage his reaction, but just like last time she's not really able to read his expression. “When you asked me what we were doing, when you said all that I panicked. Thought you might try and end things, I was too in my head, it felt too real, too right and I just… fucked up”  

“You wanted more?”  

“I did – I  do ”  

Taylor’s quiet, too quiet and after a moment in silence, he suddenly stands. “I have to go to the bathroom”  

She can only nod, standing as well as she watches him disappear behind the door. Hayley grabs herself a glass of water, having no idea what he’s thinking in this moment, and she laughs bitterly thinking how wrong was wrong before, those fifteen minutes have nothing on this, not when this moment right now seems to last so much longer.  

I guess we were collateral damage  
Kissing in the crossfire  
Limpin' over dead leaves  
I wish that they would cover me  

Her favorite curly haired man finally reappears a couple minutes later, joining her in the kitchen but still standing at a distance. She has no idea what to say and truly wishes that Taylor would say something,  anything .  

“You kept all my things”  

“What?”  

He points to the bathroom behind her with brown glossy eyes, “All my things, my toothbrush my shampoo, my clothes… figured you’d throw them out”  

Hayley smiles a weak smile. “Would never. Can’t bring myself to. Plus, you know I love the smell of you”  

“I’m sorry I left that day” He whispers quietly, fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt again.  

“Don’t be, I was a dick. I didn’t know … I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. Couldn’t get my shit together. I just... I didn’t want to lose you”  

As he nods, Hayley’s relieved to see his expression start softening a bit, softening to the one he reserves just for her, and one she thought she’d never see again...  

“I need you in my life, in any capacity. If you need time I get it, but I just can’t… I need to know you’ll be in my life, T”  

Taylor is worrying his lip, slowly nodding as he takes in the words, eyes swelling with more tears. “I shouldn’t have pushed you that day. I was trying to… it wasn’t fair of me, Hayles”  

“Stop apologizing darling” he liked the way the pet name rolled off her tongue again, a small smile curving his lip as the two of them stand in silence for a moment again.  

“I wanted more too, have always wanted more” He confesses nearly giving her whiplash for how quickly she snaps her head towards him at his words, green eyes finding Taylor shyly looking down, eyes dropped to where her hands tapped nervously against the counter.  

“I – you did?”  

He only nods, watching as she twirls her ring around her finger.  

“Never said anything…”  

Glancing up at her finally, crossing his arms over his chest, he laughs bitterly. “Well…neither did you. Plus, I thought I was, I don’t know, making it obvious. Spending nearly every night here and all… I was sort of trying to bring it up that day we fought but then...”  

“Truly fucked that up, didn’t I?” She notes rubbing her hand over her forehead, pushing her blonde hair up as Taylor only hums, and her heart nearly soars when she sees the corner of his lips twitch in a smile.  

Hayley can’t help the smile starting to build on her lips either, trying to swallow down her anxiety before asking him what she really wants to know. “Do you still?”  

“Do I still what?” He was really making her say it.  

“Do you still… want more. With me ” She watches him intently, watches his eyes flick away from her; to her small hands to the counter and around the room, before chocolaty eyes meeting her own again.  

“Well… came over, didn’t I?”  

Heat rushes through Hayley's body as she processes the words. “Is that a yes?” Her words are a rush of breath, and she finds herself walking across the kitchen towards him until they are standing in front of each other, keeping a gap but still being the closest they’ve been in months.  

“Yes” Every nerve in her body urges to jump forward towards Taylor at his whispered word, but she holds herself back. “Good” she answers, voice matching his: quiet, breathless.  

He wants to pull her in his arms, to push her against the counter but he also, doesn’t want to assume they’ll jump right into it; maybe she'll want a bit of time, maybe she was still hurt –  

Any second thought flies out of his mind when the light touch of her fingertips meets his neck, pulling herself closer to him. His own hand instinctively wraps around her waist, other hand sliding to her cheek, fitting with Hayley like nothing ever changed.  

His mouth quickly meets her, and it’s like kissing Taylor for the first time all over again, he is still just as warm against her, still smells like home.  

Their lips are light against each other at first, a ghost of a touch as she presses herself against him and bunches the collar of his shirt in a fist. His hand on her cheek move to tilt her head up to him slightly, as the curly haired man holds her tight against him not wanting her to ever leave.  

A small sigh leaves his lips as she takes a step forward, pushing lightly back to trap him between the counter and herself, their kiss quickly deepening as he lets her taste deeper into his mouth, wandering hands pushing up under her shirt.  

Hayley tugs at his hair when he pulls small whines from the back of her throat, gripping her thigh tightly as he turns them around, helping her sit up on the counter. Mouth leaving hers with a pant, Taylor revels in the way she hooks her legs around him to keep him against her.  

“Missed you” he confirms kissing the corner of her mouth. “So” lips moving down her jaw.“Fucking much”  

He loves the sigh Hayley makes at his words; he loves every sound she makes. Resting his forehead on hers for a moment, lips barely brushing, they take it all in. “You’re so warm Hayles. Missed kissing you, missed  being  with you”  

“Me too” She whispers, pecking a small kiss to his mouth.“I get to be with you, right?”  

“ Yes ” He answers immediately, her heart soaring at the certainty on his tone, completely enamored with the smile that takes over his face. “Might still be a bit mad at you though”  

Her smile matched his, pressing a sweet kiss to the corner of his mouth again, breathing fresh air after so long.  

“Sounds like I have some making up to do”  

 

Mid-March 2020  

Hayley was sat in her garden sipping on a cup of warm tea while chatting with Becca (Mancari) and Julien (Baker), they were waiting for Joey and Aaron (steele) to get back from the restaurant around the corner where they had gone to pick up some much-needed food for all of them, they’d just wrapped their first real meeting to talk about their upcoming tour in May, she had just gotten confirmation from her manager (Mark) that venues were set and ready to go, so petals for armor was going to be her first solo tour ever and truth be told, it still didn’t feel real.    

Since that one morning call that almost gave Mark a heart attack last year, she had been slowly getting into the groove of things with the solo stuff, slowly dipping her toes.    

 When they were recording, it had felt different but not as overwhelming as she had pictured it on her head, granted, the process was day and night to how she was used to doing it for Paramore but there was comfort in having her chosen family around, holding her hand every step of the way and cheering her own with their hearts beaming with pride.    

The most obvious comfort was Taylor of course, He’d been hesitant at first when she had suggested that she didn’t want anyone else producing the record (especially with the new development in their relationship ) and even if she had let him pout for a few, truth be told he would’ve never missed the chance to be part of a moment this big in her life but he still had enjoyed playing hard to get.    

 Zac had been supportive in ways that still pulled at her heartstrings, like conveniently choosing to rent a studio space in LA that had two recording rooms and casually offering the second one for Hayley to use, giving her the push of a very real timeline for the project and easing some of the nerves he was sure she was feeling. The thing was, she had never wanted to make a record just for the thrill of distancing herself from Paramore, not at all and in fact, without her really knowing how, it had quickly become a family affair. The list of thank you notes at the end of petals for armor a distinctive proof.    

Carlos had jumped at the chance to be a part of it when she had reached out to him, and she had found writing partners in some of her nearest and dearest like Joey and Dan.    

Those months in LA the past year would always hold a especial place in her heart, they had made some of her favorite memories, like the funny little trips down the garden to go pester Zac and Logan when they stayed too late, eventually getting them to agree to go for dinner with her and Taylor, the fun behind the scenes videos she had filmed with Lindsay just fooling around at the most odd hours of the night, the constant come and go of friends that had wanted to be a part of petals like the boygenius collab for one of the songs or the absolute glee in Taylor’s eyes when Mikey from me without you had told them he would be more than happy to work on a song with them.    

But, once the sunny LA days had come to an end and they had packed their things to go back to Nashville, Hayley was met with the reality of her fully done first solo album, something that both excited and scared her and because she didn’t know how to not tour after a release, the dates Mark had talked her through a couple of weeks back, didn’t seem all that scary at the time.    

Today though, she had been confronted with an unescapable change, her first rehearsal without her guys. She couldn’t be more grateful for the four talented friends she had gather for this project, sometimes it felt even hard to believe that they had even agreed to it, since all of them had their own thing going on (quite successfully), yet it was pure joy when she had approached each one of them, another little sign in her mind, that this was a good thing and not something to be scare off, she told herself.    

Since Hayley had started playing music with the guys shortly after moving to Tennessee, all through the very first venues they had played (badly), to the huge thousands of people shows and the crazy tv performances they had done, she could always look around the stage to her very far left and see the familiar set of curls rocking out to the music, a sight that always centered her, and she had to admit that although rehearsal had gone much better than she’d expected, she was starting to worry if maybe this tour wasn’t the best of ideas.    

Would she be able to enjoy it without the sight of Taylor on stage? When she inevitably gave herself, a headache overthinking dumb shit that didn’t matter, what would she do, if Zac and Docky were no were to be found to ease her mind with the suggestion of a dance party? There would be no overly excited Justin every morning waiting for her in the lobby to go and try some new vegan place or excessive amounts of drunken texts from the guys when she checked her phone after a night out.    

She’s brought out of her internal spiral when the front doorbell rings, so she makes her way inside to go let them in and when the door is halfway open, she’s met with the same dorky faces she was just thinking about. Justin is holding a handful of colorful balloons that are almost taller than him, Docky and Logan are carrying chairs with both arms, Joey and Aaron are back with endless amounts of food and drinks for everyone all the while Zac and Taylor hold a gigantic pink and white cake that reads “baby’s first tour” party hats on all their heads.     

A warm fussy feeling surrounds her as she lets them all in, the room quickly filling with music and laughs as they all set up the food for their little impromptu party, a fun surprise she was not expecting at all, and as the hours go by and the guys perform a dumb made-up version of a “torch passage” to her new on stage band, she has to roll her eyes for her friends that fill her life with so much happiness.    

The party lasts well into the night and when it eventually dies down and she’s saying goodbye to Becca she feels a warm hand on the small of her back holding her close to his chest, a constant reminder that he’s always there, by her side.     

She turns around to meet a pair of very attentive eyes watching her closely, his hold switching a bit lower to her waist where he starts to rub circles with his thumb, the act so tender and soothing, it makes her sigh in contentment.    

“How’d you do that?” she asks stepping closer with her arms around his neck, “how did I do what?” Taylor offers looking every bit as confused as his tone makes him sound,    

“Know exactly how to put my mind at ease” she says, fingers playing lightly with the soft curls in a loving manner, “I’ve been driving myself mad since yesterday with the idea that tour is becoming a reality and I'm going to be on my own. Today when we played the first song, and I didn’t see you to my left I had half the mind to tell them all to leave and call mark to say we should call off the tour” she rambles, brown eyes softening with this new bit of information she’s providing, “but then I open the door and I see you all standing there with cakes and balloons, and suddenly I start to see that actually maybe I can do this and that different is not necessarily bad”, he smiles at that, sometimes she can’t see how much she’s grown he thinks, but he’s always happy to remind her.    

"Hayles, there’s no shame in feeling nervous about change” he tells her, “I’d be worried if you were finding the transition a breeze, would probably start looking for a new job if I'm honest” he laughs, the input making Hayley roll her eyes muttering softly “idiot”, smiles on both of their faces at that.     

“Is just that, last night I couldn’t get pass the thought that for all the work I've done trying to be more independent, maybe I had corner myself with the tour and gamble more than I could take” she offers a bit shy suddenly.    

“What are you talking about? look at all the things you’ve conquers this week alone!” “You did the interview with Zane, and I've honestly never seen you more comfortable taking about the album, he even texted me later, saying that he was so happy to see you doing so well” she nods at that “yeah, he kept saying that to me when we had dinner later, well in between him fangirling over you that is!” Now it’s Taylor’s turn to look shy at the compliment.    

“Look, I've said this before, but I can tell you again anytime you need to hear it, happy to do it actually” he starts, “You, my love have made an amazing piece of work, sound better than I've ever heard you and the fans are dying to see you perform live, you have to start giving yourself some credit, you’ve accomplished so much since last year”    

Hayley smiles at him but elaborates some more, “I know you're right, it’s just so weird to look to my left and not see you there or turn around and not find Zac on the drums, and I get that it was always going to be an adjustment but I guess it just hit me hard today with the first rehearsal and all, it helped a lot that you guys did all of this, made me ease a bit and I felt very loved and supported” she tells him.    

“I'm glad you liked the surprise but this one was actually not on me” he smirks at the confuse look on her face, “This was all Justin, said we should do something nice for you, let you know how proud we all are” Hayley’s eyes filled with tears at that, she had always considered Justin her brother even if they had just recently made it official with Taylor, he’d taken the older brother role willingly and very seriously, always ready to listen to her struggles or make sure she had something vegan to eat when they wrote down their dinner request at tour, she wasn’t surprise he had notice something wasn’t entirely right when they had coffee the other day but it was still so touching he had organized all of this. “I knew he was my favorite York for a reason” Hayley jokes and Taylor is quick to protest, the hand on her waist giving a little pinch that makes her squeal “you watch it, or I can change my flight and go to the Bahamas instead and you can get another York to go and see you perform” they both laugh at the absurdity of that thought, there’s no way in hell Taylor is not coming to see her. 

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go)     

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (let go)     

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go)     

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go)     

Ooh-ooh-ooh     

Ooh-ooh     

Ooh-ooh-ooh     

Ooh-ooh, mhmm     

Don't, don't let go my limb     

Don't, don't let go my limb (don't let go)     

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)     

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)     

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)     

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)     

(Don't let go my)     

(Don't let go)     

(Don't let go my)       

It's sometime later in the night when they are about to go to bed that Hayley invites him to sit with her by the fireplace, a  curious look on his face when she starts playing the guitar and a song he’s not heard before ( he didn't even know she had been writing more since the album was pretty done), when she stops, he’s trying to come up with something to say, caught off guard with what she’s just showed him.    

“I pinned the song last night but don't worry is not for the album or anything; I couldn’t sleep and kept coming back to that aching itchy feeling I used to have and I needed to get it off my chest” she starts, “before you, before us, I never felt ok doing things on my own”, “I would’ve had a panic attack even thinking about doing an interview by myself” “ I know I'm not entirely over my codependency issues but I'm definitely better and a lot of that has to do with you” she tells him sincerely, “ you gave me a safe place to land, I never had that before”. Taylor is lost for words at her confession, he never thought he was doing much of anything, he just loved her, plain and simple. being there for her came naturally to him.     

“you’ve got to stop making me blush so much, that’s supposed to be my job” Taylor says lightly and he reaches over the couch to kiss her tenderly until air becomes a problem and they separate, still he keeps her close, only one thought in his mind, he’ll spend the rest of his days making sure she always has a safe place to rest her worries.  

---------------------------------------------------

If you gotta amputate
Don't give me the tourniquet
You wish that I would run away
Sever what isn't working
But I let my body bleed out
Lean into my left side
If your part of me is gone now
Do I wanna survive?

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (let go)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb

Funny, out the two of us
You always were the gentle one
Shy little rabbit
Teething on a shotgun
I guess we were collateral damage
Kissing in the crossfire
Limpin' over dead leaves
I wish that they would cover me

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (let go)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't let go)

Ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh

Ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, mhmm

Don't, don't let go my limb
Don't, don't let go my limb (don't let go)

My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)
My limb, my limb, my limb, my limb my limb (don't, don't let go my limb)
(Don't let go my)
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go my)

 

Chapter 5: Asystole

Summary:

“Let me do that” He hums as he steps into the shower next to his perfect wet dream, just as she was reaching for the shampoo bottle that she brought.

“Awfully nice of you, T” she notes moving aside slightly and passing him the shampoo bottle. Moving around so that he stands directly in front of Hayley, letting her stand under the stream of water, Taylor squeezes some shampoo out onto his hand and puts the bottle down before rubbing his hand through her soft hair.
“Feels nice”
She shuts her eyes in bliss as he watches in trance the water droplets falling down her forehead that end up getting caught in her eyelashes.

Notes:

I don't live in the America so i'm making stuff up in terms of how lockdown was there, I think the timing is somewhat ok but I could be wrong
- Love Em

I don't live for you 
I live for me 
If only that were true 
If only I could prove 
That on my own I'm worthy 
Funny how it feels like 
We're talking to each other on the other line 
But it's quiet here 
Nothing playing but the song of Asystole 

Asystole 
Asystole 
Asystole, Asystole 

And I can't get my head 
To say anything a heart could ever understand 

I want to forget 
But the feeling isn't something I can let myself let go of 
The trouble is the way you stick 
To any part of me that remains in tact 
But if I pull the plug 
It isn't only me that I'm holding back 

Asystole 
Asystole 
Asystole, Asystole 

Revive your love in me 
Revive another side of me 
My eyes, to see the poisoned devotion in me 

Revive, revive, revive Asystole 
Asystole 

 

December 20 th  

I don't live for you 
I live for me 
If only that were true 
If only I could prove 
That on my own I'm worthy 
Funny how it feels like 
We're talking to each other on the other line 
But it's quiet here 
Nothing playing but the song of Asystole 

 

The shampoo bottles taunted him. 

The worst part was Taylor wishes they weren’t empty. He wishes that there was still even a drop left in them so that he could rub it through his own hair and although he'd milked them of their last contents weeks ago, they still sat in the corner of his shower mocking him and adding to the ache in his heart. 

The smell lingered on them. The sweet smell of essential oils like bergamot, maybe some orange blossom, he didn’t ever really know. All he knows is that he’s addicted to the smell, and seeing the bottles sit in the corner as he showers makes him feel like he can smell them, like he can smell her.  

He remembers the day she brought the bottles over, claiming to be annoyed with the way his shampoo just wasn’t the same. The idea of Hayley smelling like him brought a heat to his stomach, he liked the smell of her shampoo even better. And now the bottles sat there. Taunting him. 

Asystole 
Asystole 
Asystole, Asystole 

September 15th  

“What’s with the bag?” Laughing as he points at the bag in her hand, he wonders what she could possibly be bringing with her to the washroom. 

“Brought my own shampoo” Hayley says pulling a bottle out of the canvas tote bag she was holding, smile wide on her lips. “And some other things. Hope you don’t mind” 

Taylor’s eyes gleam even if he jutes his lips out in a mock pout. “What’s wrong with my things?” 

“Don’t like your shampoo, it’s too heavy for my fine hair even if it does wonders for the curls” She hums, disappearing behind the still open-door frame that leads to the washroom. “Don’t worry! I still like your nice moisturizer, is great on my skin, T” 

He scrambles up in his sheets at the sound of the shower turning on. Standing in the door frame of the washroom, he watches as the tiny blonde pulls off her underwear and drops them aside. He knows that Hayley can feel him watching her, and that she’s just pretending not to notice or care. 

Stepping into the shower, shutting the glass door behind her as she lets the water hit your back, Taylor stays where he is for a minute, until steam begins to fog the glass door that separates the two bandmates, and he is then that he can’t hold back any longer. 

“Let me do that” He hums as he steps into the shower next to his perfect wet dream, just as she was reaching for the shampoo bottle that she brought. 

“Awfully nice of you, T” she notes moving aside slightly and passing him the shampoo bottle. Moving around so that he stands directly in front of Hayley, letting her stand under the stream of water, Taylor squeezes some shampoo out onto his hand and puts the bottle down before rubbing his hand through her soft hair. 

“Feels nice”  

She shuts her eyes in bliss as he watches in trance the water droplets falling down her forehead that end up getting caught in her eyelashes. He brings both hands to her head, massaging the shampoo in and taking extra time to rub his fingertips into her scalp, enjoying the content smile on her lips, loving how she leans into his touch. 

He knows her, he knows her well. In this moment Taylor knows that she is doing it on purpose: the small moans in the back of her throat as he rubs his hands against her head, the way she arches her back slightly, and the way she titles her head back in the same way she did when his head was between her thighs. 

It's overwhelming, loving and tantalizing in the most perfect way. 

Tilting her head in his hands so that the stream of water hits her scalp, rinsing out the suds, the smell around him is only of the sweet orange blossom mixed with something else, he’s never been able to put his finger on it. 

“All done” he grins, tapping her eyelid gently and watching in trance as she rubs the water from her eyes, blinking them open to gaze into his. 

Taylor keeps his hands around her, dropping to her shoulder as he pulls himself closer to her, already quite delirious when her eyes drop down between them soon followed by her teasing hands sending a jolt through his abdomen as her warm hands wrap around him, lightly tugging and pulling. 

“This is nice” he mumbles, feeling the blood leave his brain and relocate between his legs. her grip tightens around him, thumb rubbing over his tip in a way that makes his hips buck into her hand. His grip around her tightens when her green eyes meet his chocolate ones again, tongue darting out to lick water from her lips in a desperate way. 

His legs nearly buckle when she drops down to her knees, remaining under the shower stream. He doesn’t even mind being on the colder side of the shower, especially if she was going to be on her knees in front of him, god! This HAD to be a dream... 

Watching her with a slow nod, Taylor wraps a hand over her head, tugging on the recently washed strands as he encourages her to do as she pleases, not really able to take his eyes off of her as she gives him a teasing smirk back that steals all his breaths, voice low and sultry. 

“You look so good like this, T” 

January 20th  

His hand didn’t do her justice, but it was all he had. It was like the smell of the shampoo filled his senses every time he stepped foot in his shower, no , every time he stepped foot in his washroom. Every time he saw those goddamn shampoo bottles sitting. Untouched. 

He just couldn’t bring himself to throw them out. 

Nothing could clear his mind. It had been weeks, and then months, yet nothing he did could get his mind off of Hayley. Maybe that was his own fault. He knew it was his own fault for never answering her calls, for ignoring her in fear of saying something cruel. Now his place was littered with traces of her, but she was not there. 

Part of him probably got something out of this pain, but he didn’t care. 

Not when he couldn’t bring himself to clean out his bathroom, because of the way her purple toothbrush sat so nicely next to his. Or the way she had brought him some organic soaps, claiming they smelt really good and were made out of all kind of nice essential oils that were soft and gentle on his skin. 

He couldn’t even bring himself to use that bar of soap, knowing the more he used it the smaller it would get, and soon it’d be gone. 

But his wallowing really hit an all time high when he found a forgotten blue sweatshirt. 

And I can't get my head 
To say anything a heart could ever understand 

He really thought she had taken all her clothes with her; she didn’t leave a lot of them at his place to begin with, always loving wearing his that that bit more, freely helping herself to his closet at any given chance. 

So, when he was going through said closet looking for something he couldn’t even remember now and had found a bunched up blue sweatshirt he didn’t even know he still had, the faint scent of her had made him crumble into a ball with sadden sobs. 

Taylor had spent the rest of the day in bed clinging onto the memory of her for dear life... 

March 2nd  

It was an odd rainy night, and Taylor didn’t feel like going out. He was no stranger to poor weather, but the rain seemed to be the last thing he needed to decide that he would rather stay in. Relieved when she had shared his opinion, agreeing to come over with a bottle of margarita mix. It was just the two of them, the curly haired man just wanted a calm night in with Hayley and maybe a couple drinks, ones they could make themselves. 

Soon she was seated on his couch, leaning against the armrest with her small feet pointed towards him, all cozy in her sweatshirt, gripping her drink tight between her fingers.   

“Would you let me draw one for you?” 

She splutters out a laugh at his request. “God no!” Hayley’s laugh deepens when she glances up at him. “Nothing against you, T. Just want a professional to do it this time” 

The movie put in was long forgotten, now facing each other and talking about what she should get to cover that awful and dumb tattoo. She had briefly mentioned that she wanted to get it, and Taylor had felt himself falling deeper, so proud of all the little steps she was taking to move forward. 

“Fine” he huffs, playfully of course. His head feels hazy, a couple of drinks have come and gone and he’s still nursing another strong cocktail in his hands, very much loving the company “So, when are you gonna get it?” 

“That’s the problem” She mutters, taking a big sip of her drink. “I don’t think I want it really visible for parahoy, don’t want to explain anything. This is for me” 

Taylor nods, knowing that she was nervous about it, nervous about the meaning rather than the slight sting of the needle or about anything else. “You think maybe, you’d want company that day?” 

“I was thinking like, I...I was gonna ask you, kinda really need the support if I'm honest” she stammers, playing mindlessly with the strings of her hoodie. 

He bites back a smile. “You are cute” The alcohol speaks before he can stop it. Is no secret that he thinks she’s much more than just cute, but saying all of it out the blue might finally scare her of, so he sticks to reassuring her that a tattoo to cover that stupid decision from a while back is the best idea she’s had in years. 

“I know is a lot, you don’t have to if you’re busy” She pauses, with flushing cheeks licking her lips. “I just really want you there with me” 

He sucks in a breath. He didn’t like the idea of someone else holding her hand as she gets that tattoo. A tattoo that he had loved to hear all about as she figured it out and thought of as a way to leave her past memories that still hurt. He didn’t like the idea of someone kissing her forehead as the needle stung on her skin, of someone else’s encouraging words of support calming her mind. 

It was selfish of him, and he knew it wasn’t right when they hadn’t really spoken of what they were doing, it was stupid and childish and yet he was getting jealous at the mere thought of someone taking her away from him. 

“You’re out of it, T” She giggles, after a moment too long in silence and Taylor breaks himself out of his daze.  

“I’m not drunk” he mutters into his glass, although he is. And the alcohol is clouding his mind, and he doesn’t know what to do about it or how to tell her, so he sticks to reminding her how far she’s come. "I'd love to come. You just tell me when, I think is a really good idea you are doing this and I'm really proud of you Hayles” 

Mentally wincing at how eager he sounds, he watches as she nods, worrying about her bottom lip between her teeth. “Think it’ll hurt a lot” 

His eyes soften at how small she sounds, cause they both know she’s not talking about the physical pain. “It’s a tattoo darling, course it’ll hurt a bit. if you want, I’ll hold your hand and you can pinch my arm any time it gets too much” 

A gentle smile breaks out on her face, teeth no longer gnawing on her lips, eyes no longer far away. “Thanks T, that’d be really nice” she answers humming as she places her drink on the table in front of them, moving a foot out, nudging his thigh with it. “I would be too scared to go alone” 

He sits up straighter, heart swelling in his chest when her fingertips meet his forearm, gently trailing up and following the lines of his bar tattoo. 

 “You never have to do it alone Hayles, I’m always gonna be here for you” He explains, hand smoothing around her face, as he moves away for a second to place his drink next to Hayley’s on the table before playfully tapping her forehead with a cool fingertip making her smile. Shuffling even closer to her, leg pressing against her knee, the smell of her shampoo overwhelms him, he had always loved it and in his intoxication, it was the most potent smell ever. 

“What are you doing?” Hayley’s voice drops down to a whisper when he presses a little kiss Where his hand had earlier been on her cheek. 

“I’m just” If he was honest, Taylor didn’t know what he was doing. He just wanted to feel her skin under his lips, he just wanted to be close to her and keep her safe. “Helping you out with tattoo ideas” 

He presses another series of kisses to her cheek, eliciting a sigh from her lips, she doesn’t push him away, drunk on something stronger than the drinks they’ve had and relishing in the way the hand that had been scratching at her waist grips onto her skin more firmly. 

“Is just me” he babbles. “Your skin’s so warm, I can’t help –” he breathes in deeply, hand on her waist moving to her knee, Taylor gently pushes her leg aside as he settles himself in closer, lips by her jaw, wanting so badly to feel her mouth under his. “– can’t help myself” 

Hayley didn’t move under him, except for a single hand coming up to grip the neckline of his shirt. “Let me” he pleads, voice low and desperate to take her mind off of all of it. “Please, let me” 

She sucks in a breath at the tone, body covered in goose bumps as she tilts her head up a bit towards him, lips ever so lightly parted. “Go ahead, T, just kiss me please” 

He takes that as all the invitation he needed, mouth sliding from her chin to cover Hayley’s, sighing into her mouth, knee coming up to the couch as he repositioned himself to feel her near. 

“Taylor” her voice was a dream as he moved his mouth down her jaw again, this time biting and licking as he moves down her neck sending shivers down her spine. 

“Just wanna making it better, just... ” 

He couldn’t form one coherent sentence. He wanted to feel her everywhere, he wanted to take away all her pain and make her forget all about those awful years, wanted to feel her skin on his and let all the world outside disappear. 

“So gorgeous, you – fuck –” he repeats struggling to form coherent thoughts when she returns the favor, warm lips pressing into his straining neck, licking and biting at his skin. 

“You are – fuck” he held here tight as he dropped his head in the crook of her neck, breathing uneven and for a moment as the rain fell outside it was just them, a safe pair of arms that had always felt like home to Hayley 

I want to forget   
But the feeling isn't something I can let myself let go of   
The trouble is the way you stick   
To any part of me that remains in tact   
But if I pull the plug   
It isn't only me that I'm holding back    

He remembers that day like it was yesterday. Shy smiles were shared as he offered her to stay the night, too late and both still too intoxicated to drive and when Hayley had decided she was too hot in her sweatshirt and had grabbed one of his shirts instead, Taylor had pulled her in close under his sheets, kissing over her exposed skin and wanting to melt in the warmth coming off her body. 

And apparently, despite all those memories she had completely forgotten about the sweatshirt. 

February 10th  

“Bit sore” Hayley laughs, following him around the corner from the hotel bathroom, as Taylor sets their breakfast on the coffee table, the sight of her standing in his shirt and nothing else making him want to take her over the desk again. 

“Sorry about that” the curly haired man smiles, mind worrying over what to say next. “I – last night was fun, yeah?” 

Leaning against the desk next to him, grabbing a handful of grapes from the bowl in front of her, her voice is quiet and nearly timid. “It was” 

“I –” he pauses again, unable to form the sentences he wants to. ‘I like fooling around with you’ or ‘I like fucking you’, it didn’t sound nice rolling off the tongue and it also didn’t capture Taylor’s real feelings. 

“I like doing… what we’re doing. And I want to keep doing what we’re doing. If you do too” he tells her biting his lips together, mentally cringing at how awkward he sounds with his friend of nearly fifteen years. 

“I do too” Hayley says, averting her eyes from his as she nods giddily. “We are both single, and it’s been a while, and…” she trails, and it relieves some of the conflicting feelings on his body, watching her struggle, watching her mumble words not really knowing how to voice her feelings. “It was really nice”  

He nods slowly, watching her every move with a permanent grin, “Then, we’re doing this? Don’t need to wait for an excuse to have you come over to my room anymore?” 

Laughing lightly at that, Hayley finally meets his eyes, biting her lip. “Yeah” her voice airy and light. “But if either of us meet someone or need to end it, we do. Right?” 

“Right” he nods, almost too eagerly about their new agreement to process how much of a bad idea it truly was. “What do you want for breakfast?” 

xxxx

“Babe, do you want some toast with butter and jam to go with that cup of tea?” Taylor’s voice questions from the kitchen where he was currently making himself some breakfast.    

“I'm all good, not really all that hungry” she answers back   

“You sure? You know we have about 3 months' worth of strawberry jam to get through, we should probably do something with it” he jokes   

“You mean I should do somethings about it?” Hayley pokes fun at him, it was a well-known thing that Taylor was hopeless in the kitchen, even leaving him in charge of his own breakfast was a risqué move.    

“Hey! I cleaned and sealed every single one of these jars, I was a vital part in the strawberry jam making process!” he declares proudly, the tone spreading a warm feeling in her heart at his adorableness.   

“Whatever you say T”, “I was thinking of making some pie later anyways, I found a cool recipe on Pinterest last night” Hayley tells him as he settles next to her in the living room where she was enjoying her tea.    

“So long as it not gluten free, I can take the vegan food, but no gluten is where I draw the line” he makes a choking gesture that has them both laughing   

“Well, if I remember correctly, you used to be very comfortable eating my  gluten free cereal and ice cream when we were on tour” she tells him, an amuse look on her face   

“Oh, Gods Hayles! That was just me wanting to spend time with you, that´s how much I love you, you know, I ate flavorless food for you” he says   

“How romantic” a sarcastic tone to her voice but she leans to give him a peck on the lips anyways.    

This year was turning out to be anything but what she had thought it would be, she was sure most of the world's population could agree with that statement.    

Hayley had come to terms with the fact that her plans for twenty were not going to happen the way she’d pictured them, she had mourned the shows that had to be cancelled and the face-to-face interactions with the fans that would have to wait, she miss being around the people she loves most and had surrendered to the reality that the house her and Taylor had started to renovate together, was not going to be ready anytime soon.   

She was taking it day by day, the mandatory stay at home orders had been both a cursed and a blessing. Since the Airbnb they had rented together last year during the making of petals for armor, Hayley and Taylor had made the decision that moving in together was the next step for them and although she loved her little bat infested house, she couldn’t wait to start building a home with him, one they could make their own.   

With that in mind, when lock down started, there was no doubt that they would be quarantining with each other, and the past few months had become their little bubble, you can learn a lot about someone when you spend 24/7 together but for Hayley and Taylor, the time indoors had only made them stronger and more in love (if that was possible), everyday life was sweet, peaceful and stable, something she had longed for.    

This was the longest they’ve been home since they were teens and the gift of having this much time off had been as much fun as it was boring.    

Taylor seemed much more relax these days, she knew that he struggles with the public life part of their job, and she had to admit that she had also contributed to his troubled mind the past years but the quiet stay at home vibe suited him, the easy quick-witted remarks were back and even his long hair was making a comeback, overall, he looked much happier.    

Hayley had gotten more into cooking trying different dishes that she picked from the internet, she had started a veggie garden in her backyard and so far, the only thing that had come from it was the addition of very colorful cuss words to her vocabulary and ONE zucchini (something Brian loved to tease her about), she had also, taken advantage of the stillness and with the help of T she had improved quite a bit on her guitar skills, if she said so herself.   

But now fall was around the corner and she was starting to feel restless. They were creative people and music was part of her everyday life, so it was no surprise that she had been toying with one idea lately.   

Petals for armor had come out of the blue, the collection of songs reflected the work she had done on herself to get better to be better, the music and the album were a representation of that, and she was very proud of it, the experience had given her a lot of confidence on herself both as a person and as a musician, and although at the time it had seem that her solo detour had come to an end, Hayley had continue writing here and there to express emotions or thoughts in her mind and she had also found potential ideas for songs on her old journal and on hidden voice memos saved on her phone.    

So, there was her conflict, would mark have a heart attack for real this time when she told him that contrary to what she had assured him, Paramore's 6 album would have to wait a bit longer because she was making a part two of her solo endeavors? Or would he roll his eyes at her in defeat? guess she would know the answer to that question soon, there was just one very important call she had to make first.   

“I’m going to run to my place to pick up some of the gear we talked about and maybe go and check on the house as well, do you want me to take the little man with me, that way we won’t ruin your proposal later” Taylor asks her very smugly, like he’s so please with himself   

“That’d be very helpful actually, Alf barking on the background would ruin the mood for sure" she joins in on the teasing, “I won’t be long I promise, I'll just sweet talk him for a bit, bat my lashes and he won’t be able to refuse” she says matter of fact, “oh I know he won’t, you guys are the perfect match” Taylor finishes.   

“It’ll just be a boy's day with the kid today then, we are going to have so much fun with my little man” he says in a baby voice while petting a relax looking Alf, Hayley snaps a quick picture of her two favorite curly haired man and starts to pick up the dirty mugs so she can get ready for the very important zoom call she’s about to have.   

“you guys have fun, I'll tell you how it all went when I finish, ok?” Taylor nods his head as she gives them both a kiss and moves on to the bathroom to get ready.   

It’s a bit later when she’s sitting at her dining table, her phone prop on a flower vase and the dialing tone making that annoying sound, he picks up on the third ring.   

“Good morning, H, how you doing? thanks for the cupcakes by the way, Elise has gone through most of them already” A bright eye looking Dan says playfully   

“Of course, she has! We're good, T has just gone with Alfie to check on the house see if there’s some more progress on that hopefully” she offers   

Dan was a dear friend of theirs, he was actually one of Taylor's best friends from high school and they had been close for years. when she was at her lowest, she had found that she didn’t have many friends she could count on for real, the reality of how badly she had managed the relationships in her life was a big wakeup call and from then on, a big part of getting better had been enriching her life with people that where truly ride or die, something she had taken for granted for too long. Taylor would never admit to it but he’d seen it too, how few good friends she really had and whether he’d done it consciously or not, he had made sure to change that, it was like he’d said look, you’re missing some more good people in your life so here, take mine; the fact always pulled at her heartstrings.   

“that’s great! We can’t wait till all of this is over and we can go see you guys, I think my wife is experiencing some type of withdrawal effect since you guys have been apart for so long” he says   

“I know! I miss her pretty face so much it hurts!” Elise had quickly become one of Hayley's best friends and they usually always stay within close proximity, Taylor and dan like to joke that they like each other far more than either of them.   

“You calling just for a catch up? Or was there something else?” Dan asks lightly   

“What did he say?” she questions    

“What Taylor? Nothing nothing, he was just all weird when we talked the other day, blabbering nonsense, but that could be just him”   

“Ok, I guess there’s no point in me dancing around it any longer, so I'll just say it” Hayley takes a deep breath, Dan giving her his full attention now   

“I have a proposition for you, is more of an ask really” unsure look on her face    

“Ok, so what would that be my tiny blonde friend” the term of endearment relaxing her a lot   

“I want to make another album” he looks at her surprised, and I'd like for you to be my producer” she tells him sincerely, “I've been toying with an idea for a while, I feel like there’s a part of petals that I would like to dive deeper on” “I found some scribbles on my old journal and a few voice memos that gave me ideas for songs and so I've been writing a bit” Dan nods signaling for her to keep going, “ and with us moving and stuff plus the crazy walking death stuff going on, I got the idea of making an at home album, T and I thought we could work around it and make a DIY studio”   

“That sounds like a very good and fun idea, and I'm so flatter that you would want me for this, I have to ask though, if you and Taylor already did so well with the producing of petals, why not do this together as well?” there’s no judgment in his tone, just curiosity     

“I love working him on anything, that’s true, he blew me away with what he did on the album”, “the thing is, I already gave him psoriasis last year when I had him producing some of those songs” they both laugh at that, “And the theme I'm thinking for this one, yeah, I don’t think is the best idea for us personally if he takes on the producing” “not to mention he already told me he wouldn’t want to either” that catches his attention   

“Is a breakup album, the memos and ideas for songs are some of the thoughts I tried to process when we were apart last year” Dan eyes softened at that, he knows how much they had to get through to be together and he’s now beginning to understand why Taylor wouldn’t want to work on this one with her, who wants to produce his own break up songs?   

“I have some songs; others are just little snippets but with them being so personal I don’t want to work with just anyone on them”, “Besides you’re like really good with the mushy sentimental stuff, let’s not forget how much I cried when I listened to 26 the first time!” when he doesn't say anything for some time, she starts to get a bit nervous that maybe she’s asking too much from him, that he’s too close to them both and he probably doesn't want to Sift through all the heartbreak both his friends had experienced that time last winter.   

“let’s do this then, but let’s do it for real, we are going to make a cry feast with this one H, and I think that it could be really great if you play on it” he knows that she’s a talented multi-instrumentalist but sometimes let’s others' opinions cloud that, but if he’s working with her, he’s going to make sure everyone knows what she can do, heaven knows he’s always in awe when he can witness little glimpses of her playing the piano or slamming the drums.   

“That could be fun, we could make our own folklore” they keep the ideas flowing for a while longer until they say their goodbyes leaving Hayley feeling much lighter now that this is coming together, and she can count on Dan to help her with it.   

It’s much later when she hears the front door and little paws loudly approaching her in the garden, Alf appearing in front of her with a new toy and in need of a bath ASAP.   

“Hey baby! What happened to you? Did you have a good day, it sure looks like that!” she pets him in the head and turns her head to catch Taylor’s eye, he’s looking like he’s so over this day and in need of a shower too, cover with mud from head to toe.   

“OMG T! What happened to you? What on earth did you guys do today?" she can’t contain the loud laugh coming from her.   

“We went over to the new house and there was a problem with the pipeline in the garden”, “the constructors where working on it and I was giving them a hand, but the thing broke open, and the water was everywhere, the thing is that with the garden not been done instead of just water, we got cover in mud”, “Alf had the time of his life though, he was running around splashing like a little pig” The Coners of his eyes crinkling at the memory   

 “Oh god! What a mess!” she gets up taking his hand to lead him inside “c’mon, I'll run you a bath while I sort Alf out” he follows her to the house.     

Once Taylor is done cleaning himself up, he makes his way to the kitchen where his girlfriend is softly singing to herself as she set the table for dinner, he wraps his arms around her resting his head on top of hers before saying “So, are you gonna tell me how the call with Dan went?”   

Hayley gently traces the bars tattoo in his arm in a soothing way “it went well; I think I caught him off guard with my proposal, but he was very on board with it”, she turns in his arms to look at his face and his arms settle on her waist.   

“He had a lot of ideas for the recording, making the house a part of the album and all, we also went through some of the song ideas I had, I can show you but maybe you’d prefer to wait till is a bit more polish”   

“Oh, ok” he looks confused, so Hayley is quick to ease his worries “is not that I don’t want you to hear the song, that’s not it, just that I wrote about how I was unable to let go of my feelings for you, even when I believed we were really done” He nods in understanding “and since it is so personal, when you listen to it, I want for you to hear it right, once I've worked some more on it” she explains.   

Taylor doesn’t push her; he can’t really decide if he wants to listen to it or not anyways but months later when the album is finished, he sits alone on the front porch of their new house, headphones on as the music starts to play.   

Revive, revive, revive Asystole    

Asystole     

A chill runs through his spine at the memory the song Evokes (mental images of grey looking days when everything felt pointless and all he did was sit around and wonder about her) and he’s glad he decided to wait, glad she’s giving him the space, and though things with Hayley are night and day from how it was when she wrote those lyrics, he thinks that he’ll listen to the rest of the songs on the record at his own pace. One is enough for today.   

Chapter 6: Trigger

Summary:

When they had decided to tell the rest of the band that their feelings had grown deeper and stronger, there was only one place they thought of taking them to. The little dive bar watched as Hayley’s anxious mind made her talk faster than they could keep up with and how Taylor nervously fiddled with the hem of his shirt, one of the only times the sweet guitarist hand shook as he picked up his drink to present his longtime partner in crime as his as something more. The tiny blonde had wasted no time reaching out and placing a comforting hand on his thigh though, and the look that passed between them spoke more than a thousand words, leaving their friends to watch on with full hearts, knowing deep down that this was a natural progression of their undeniable bond, all happy and content that they had stopped kidding themselves and had made the right decision, to finally give it a go.

Notes:

Hi guys,
First of all, thank you so much for all your lovely messages on my last post. You have no idea how nice it was reading all your well wishes after how nervous I was posting that, can't really express how touched I am about your endless kindness and how forgiving you've been with me.
I promise I'll get back to you soon, I... well this is all been really overwhelming so I'm doing my best over here, but you know, though is taking me sometime to get back to it like it was before, I really want to, this space has brought me a lot of happiness and i'm super grateful for it, just, bear with me.
Still, I really wanted to send you some love back tonight, thank you from the bottom of my heart, super grateful for each and every one of you.
-Em x

All I ever had to say about love is a sad song
I get off on telling everybody what went wrong

It makes me feel like the pain had a purpose
Keeps me believing
That maybe it's worth it

Truth is all I really want is

Somebody who wants me
Somebody I can count on
Who won't disappoint me

At first it seems easy
I vow not to give up
Let 'em debase me
While keeping my chin up

'Cause I got the trigger but you hold the gun

How come you never put the safety on?
I got the trigger but you hold the gun
How come you never put the safety on?

So what do people sing about once they've finally found it

Take it for granted think of how they were better without it?

I'd like to imagine
I'd never be like that
But if I'm honest
I know I already have

'Cause I got the trigger but you hold the gun

How come you never put the safety on?
I got the trigger but you hold the gun
How come you never put the safety on?

I got the trigger but you own the gun

How come you never put the safety on?
Yeah, I got the trigger but you hold the gun
How come you never put the safety on?

--------------------------------------

 

December 2018,   

Hayley is sat at the front steps of the rehab center patiently waiting for Brian to come and pick her up, so she spots the car immediately as it approaches. He helps her with the suitcase, and she gives him a tight very much needed hug before they get into their seats.  

“Thanks for coming to get me, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to drive back on my own” she says in a melancholic tone that weights her down. 

“Is no problem. thanks for calling me, you know I'm never too busy for you” he tells her in a loving manner, “How are you doing?” he asks gently, a worried look on his blue eyes  

“I'm ok” Hayley offers, hoping that with each time she repeats it, it’ll get truer. “It was tough shit, but I think it was a good thing that I did it, I think that it was probably very overdue and there’s no point in trying to change what’s happened but there’s also no getting better if I keep doing things the same, look where that got me”  

She sounds calm but defeated somehow, like is taking all her energy to tell herself those words, as if she’s reminding herself of that and the sight breaks her best friend’s heart. 

“You know I'm proud of you right?” Brian tells her stopping the car in front of her house and turning to look her in the eyes so she can see how much he means his words. “You are the strongest person I know. You amaze me every day with how much resilience is there in that little body of yours and it’s not just me Hayley, we all think so too” he assures her, the unspoken name lingering in the air . “It takes a lot of courage to admit you need help”   

The tiny blonde can’t contain her tears at that, so she just lets them flow freely throwing herself to the loving embrace of her best friend, one that sooths some of the ache. 

“I love you B, thanks for always being there for me” Hayley chokes out in between sobs and Brian only holds her tighter, rubs her back up and down letting her feel it without shame, hot sad tears streaming down her face and making his own blue eyes water too. 

“Love you too Hayles”   

All I ever had to say about love is a sad song  
I get off on telling everybody what went wrong  

It makes me feel like the pain had a purpose  
Keeps me believing  
That maybe it's worth it 

After every tour, they migrated there. 

It never mattered if they’d been away for months or only days; Dino’s always stayed the same. 

The tables were always on the wrong side of sticky, their once light brown wood darkened with age and spilled beer. Metal napkin boxes littered the tables next to red round candle holders, their grubby presence normally forgotten amongst all the decorations that one could get lost looking at. The wooden counter of the bar was chipped with age, but the shining attraction of the beer taps soon made up for its imperfections. Tall bar stools lined its length, even the slightest movement making them wobble precariously. There was barely any room to maneuver around the bar, the floor a sea of bags and chair legs, not perfect for stumbling messes three drinks deep. It was always slightly too hot despite the air conditioning that whirred quietly in the background, drowned out by excited chatter and raucous laughs. As the revelers started to filter out, the music started to play as the staff cleared up, wiping away any remnants of their presence.  

Taylor and Hayley’s figures were such a presence at the bar that the owner joked that he should put reserved signs on their seats and over time, they had slowly claimed the two seats at the end of the row of stools, slightly secluded from the rest of people, the only visible thing being their two heads bowed together, always in quiet conversation. Sometimes Hayley would throw her head back laughing at something, but they were always in their own bubble, always Hayley and Taylor, always undisturbed by drunken chants or loud exchanges.  

The bar had seen them finish their first big tour together, the locals giving them a bold second glance after the big ass billboard of their new chart-topping album had appeared months back in downtown Nashville and how the owner had declared that all drinks were on the house for the rest of the night in honor of their first grammy, the made-up celebration continuing well into the morning. 

It had also seen them lose friend after friend, piling on the grief, year after year.  

When they dejectedly returned from the lawyer's office that December afternoon, the bar was the first place they headed to, its familiarity healing some of their hurt, their drinks already waiting by their seats, and for once, Dino’s was quiet when they entered, almost as if the little dive bar had a feeling they would need the added privacy to mourn yet another loss. 

It was eerily silent, and it took everything in Hayley not to burst into tears again. She felt like she hadn’t just disappointed their fans, but also Taylor, and as they settled into their seats, a singular tear fell down her cheek before the curly haired man had pulled her to his chest, keeping her close and easing her mind with loving words. 

When they had decided to tell the rest of the band that their feelings had grown deeper and stronger, there was only one place they thought of taking them to. The little dive bar watched as Hayley’s anxious mind made her talk faster than they could keep up with and how Taylor nervously fiddled with the hem of his shirt, one of the only times the sweet guitarist hand shook as he picked up his drink to present his longtime partner in crime as something more. The tiny blonde had wasted no time reaching out and placing a comforting hand on his thigh though, and the look that passed between them spoke more than a thousand words, leaving their friends to watch on with full hearts, knowing deep down that this was a natural progression of their undeniable bond, all happy and content that they had stopped kidding themselves and had made the right decision, to finally give it a go.

Hayley and Taylor had just smiled shyly when their friends had joked that it was about time, that their future together was simply inevitable . 

Even as they moved into this new relationship that felt anything but, they still found time to go back to their little bar for a drink or burger when at home. They spent practically every moment together, yet the routine of settling into their seats at the bar made them feel like teenagers on their first date again, and the two bandmates love it.  

Dino’s also watched as the distance between their bowed heads slowly became larger though out the fall months until they were both sitting up straight, staring intently at the condensation on their glasses. Hayle’s mouth stopped running at a hundred miles an hour, and for the first time since they had entered the bar all those years ago, there was silence between them. That cold afternoon any attempt of conversation was shut down, so they had resigned themselves to listening to the clink of glasses, the noise that had always seemed so insubstantial was now assaulting their ears.  

Gone were the inside jokes and teasing touches, or the half-finished glass deserted on the countertop for more important activities. The bartenders observed the couple with a worried interest, sharing whispered rumors over the dishwasher. Their routine seemed more like a chore, but neither of them was willing to give it up, so they wallowed in their unhappiness together for a little longer.  

Until one day, they stopped.  

The bar watched as their seats remained unoccupied after their usual Halloween celebration. Every time the door swung open, their eyes lit up, only to be replaced by disappointment. Dusk started to settle, and the bar became busier until their stools were the only empty two. The bartenders stared at them forlornly until they unanimously admitted defeat, dejectedly gesturing for another couple to sit in them. The couple lowered themselves down with a smile on their faces, and it felt so wrong that they were nearly evacuated immediately.  

They still waited expectantly once Christmas came around, but it was no use. Rumors of their breakup spread throughout the bar, but no one could pinpoint the exact moment it started to go downhill. Maybe it was when Hayley had come in with a mess of papers and struggled onto the stool too focused on the weight of what those signed papers held, and no matter how much Taylor tried to help her with it, she wouldn’t accept his supportive arm. It could’ve been when the curly haired man had nearly fallen asleep on the countertop after longs nights mulling over their situationship and yet when she’d tried to help him home, he’d declined a bit too soon, not fond of having to pretend he didn’t want more. 

There was the night when one beer had turned into five and Taylor had stormed out of the bar with Hayley hopping helplessly behind him, calling his name, even if the curly haired man was already out in the cold air, leaving the little blonde to deflate against the wall with tears forming in her eyes.  

The signs were there, but no one wanted to believe it.  

You couldn’t fabricate the way the two bandmates looked at each other, eyes brimming with admiration and love. It was them against the world, and everyone knew it. Even through the worst of losses, they were each other’s rock, a type of unwavering support that very few were lucky to receive. It was the type of love that couldn’t be captured in a photo but only felt in the way they constantly orbited each other, incomplete without the other.  

The patrons brushed off their troubles with a swig of beer, shaking their heads in disbelief at those who claimed they would fail. If any couple could weather a rough patch, it was them.  

But as it turned out, it wasn’t that simple.  

Something had bent, and although they both desperately wanted to work it out, they couldn’t continue like this. Somewhere along the way, all the demons they’d tried to hide from had come back all at once knocking at the door, and trying to pretend it was all alright when it was so clearly not, only made it hurt more.  

They had everything, and now they had nothing.  

Truth is all I really want is 
Somebody who wants me 
Somebody I can count on 
Who won't disappoint me 

At first it seems easy 
I vow not to give up 
Let 'em debase me 
While keeping my chin up 

  

“I can’t do this anymore” 

Taylor doesn’t look up at her when she speaks the words, face contorting into a humorless smile as he stares down at his plate, shoving the last of his toast into his mouth. 

He chews slowly, waiting to swallow before he speaks. 

“I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to stop playing with me and actually get to it” he mutters darkly, brown eyes flickering to her “Do what, exactly Hayley?” 

She’s completely taken aback by the anger in his eyes, and it almost crumbles her resolve, but Hayley stubbornly, powers through, repeating lie after lie in her head to convince her brain that it’ll be better this way in the end. 

“This” she tells him, gesturing between the two of them “Us. I can’t be with you anymore, T” 

Taylor’s lips set into a thin line as he pushes himself off the chair, turning his back to her and walking over to the sink “I never asked you to be with me” 

She lifts one eyebrow even though he can’t see her and crosses her arms in front of her protectively, at that, “But you’re going to” 

“How can you know that?” he asks sharply, turning around and leaning against the counter for support, cause the floor is crumbling beneath his feet “We never talk about what’s between us” 

She feels an intense pain shoot up in her chest at the accusation, because he’s right, of course he is! they never really talked about it, just let it happen, went along with it, and now is all a tangled mess “So you’re never going to want more than this? casual is just fine with you?” 

Taylor looks like he wants to argue but then thinks better on it, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing as he looks at her with pleading eyes, so so exhausted “What do you want from me, Hayley?” 

“I don’t want you to do something careless that will ruin this” 

'Cause I got the trigger but you hold the gun 
How come you never put the safety on?

It’s not at all what she wants to say, but she gets defensive by his words that let her see how stupid she’s being even right now, and her rage gets the better of her, can’t really control it. 

Taylor snorts at her words, but there’s nothing humorous about the sound he lets out “Me, ruin this?”, he says dryly, and Hayley can hear the disbelief in his tone,   it punches her in the gut. 

“ You’re fucking telling me it’s over and  I’m  the one who’s ruining this?” 

“Because I don’t want you to do or say something that we’ll both regret later!” She argues stupidly, her voice rising without her consent, maybe in an attempt to quiet the voice screaming at her to take it all back, to confess, to say how this is not what she wants, to surrender to the fact that she’s in love with him, but it never comes... 

Taylor shakes his head profusely at that, staring her down and the intensity of his eyes, makes her blood run cold "I'm not in the habit of doing things without thinking them through or saying things that I don’t mean” he tells her dryly and it’s another arrow straight to the heart. “So, believe me, Hayley, there will be no regrets on my part” 

“And you think there will be on mine?” She shoots back, eyes narrowing, the bitterness in her voice so evident, she can almost taste it on her tongue “Is that what you’re saying?” 

He pushes off the counter and takes one step in her direction, staying on his side of the kitchen to keep some distance and although Hayley knows she’s the one to blame for this reaction from Taylor, it doesn’t hurt any less. 

“I’m saying you’re scared, and you think that pushing me away will somehow make this all better” he answers with a lot more bite than intended, his voice higher and pointed, letting her know he’s all out of excuses for her, has run out of patience “But it fucking won’t, Hayley, and you know that too” 

Her eyebrows furrow in anger at his blunt call out, and Hayley wishes she could somehow mean her words, but they come out nothing short of a childish tantrum “I’m not scared! you don’t know the half of it, T” 

She is. She is absolutely fucking terrified, but can’t find a way to admit to that. 

Her curly haired partner huffs out something between a sigh and a laugh, shaking his head again and his stand is defensive, not even trying to hide how much this conversation it’s hurting him, and all she wants is to flee the scene and leave no trace behind... 

"Dammit” he mutters, taking a deep breath and calming down as he looks down at the ground, not believing this is happening, and when he lifts his eyes back up to meet hers after a moment, he does it slowly, carefully, giving it one last chance to take it back, hoping to get to her somehow "I'm not Chad” he whispers, catching her off guard at the mention of the name, “I’m not Josh, or Jeremy, or any of the people who’ve hurt you. I wouldn’t ever do what they did, or force you to be anything you don’t want to be, and I would never leave you” 

“You can’t promise that” she argues immediately, voice catching as tears pool at the corner of her eyes, and she blinks them down forcibly, not wanting to let herself cry in front of him again “You don’t know what could happen Taylor” 

“Haven't I stayed by your side through all of it, Hayley?” He pleads desperately, but she shakes her head before he can say more, and it seems to be enough for Taylor to see, this is already over. 

Hayley feels another rush of frustration course through her at his words, cause there’s nothing she can say to argue back on that, and it stings like hell “Yes, but you can’t just wish everything to be fine, Taylor” she throws at him angrily, in an attempt to double down on her stupid decision. 

“I’m not fucking wishing everything to be fine” he shoots back, voice rising again, because she’s getting under his skin, and it hurts so much feeling her slip away and not being able to stop it, “Everything is fucking fine!” He tells her pausing for a second, brown eyes trained on her "Can things go wrong sometimes? Yes. Will they again? Probably. But you sitting here worrying about all the ways life can go to shit, isn’t going to help anyone. It’s not helping me, it’s not helping you and it’s certainly not helping us, because for the life of me, I just don’t see what any of this has to do with us, Hayley, with this ” 

Her heart leaps into her throat at the word us . She can’t be an us with Taylor, can’t let him depend on her that way, cause she’ll only let him down , worst of all though, it’s not lost on her that he’s already that for her, that she’s wrapped him around her noose too tight, and it just matter of time before he becomes collateral damage of all her mess, so they need to get out of this now. 

“There’s just too many ways that this can go wrong, T, and you know it. better stop it now, while we still can” 

“Life is not out to get you Hayley, and you breaking up with me, won’t make me love you any less” he argues weakly, sounding defeated and heartbroken, “so I say, you should’ve stopped it long ago, if it was about that” 

She shakes her head, trying to double down on her decision to set fire on the best thing in her life, her resolve weaking more and more, as he keeps staring with his brown sadden eyes filled with tears "I think we’re better off as friends, T, is that so hard to understand?” 

He sighs, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment trying to calm himself, taking tentative steps over to her side of the kitchen, willing himself not to shout bloody murder, cause that’s all he feels inside, but good would that do now? 

“Five minutes ago, you didn’t want anything to do with me” he states in a low voice, “And then you didn’t want anything ruining this” he tells her, his hands gesturing back and forth between the two of them “And now you want to be friends?” 

“Taylor...” 

“Look, Hayley” he interrupts, her name heavy on his tongue, and it doesn’t go unnoticed to her that he doesn’t call her Hayles, like he’s always done. 

“I’ll make this easy for you. You don’t have to push me away because I’m pulling myself out” She swallows her gasp and his eyebrows raise as he shakes his head, mouth twisting in a frown “I’ve been in one emotionally manipulative relationship, and it drained the fuck out of me” He tells her, voice breaking on the last word as he continues to shakes his head, closing his eyes to keep it together and all Hayley wants is to take it back, to reach out to him and say ‘I'm sorry’ but the bitter taste in her mouth is too strong to ignore. “I know what I want” he continues after a moment, “And that’s you. But you don’t want me in the same way, and that’s fine. That’s your right. I just can’t do this again” 

Hayley feels the anger grow within her, and it’s an emotion so strong she feels like screaming, cheeks red and heated as she spits the words to him. “It’s funny because I could’ve sworn you  just  said you would never leave me” she tells him in a high pitch tone, “but now you’re saying you’re out?” 

“I won’t leave you” Taylor promises, and it hurts like a bitch to hear him say that, because she believes him. “I’ll still live ten minutes away, and if you really need me for something other than to warm your sheets, I’ll be there. I just can’t be this person” he adds, motioning vaguely between them "I can’t be the one you go to when you want to feel good and then push away when things get a little bad” 

She feels her throat close up, the tears threatening to spill at any second, “You said this could be whatever I wanted” she whispers in defeat, hearing the distinct crack of her own heart breaking in the middle of the quiet kitchen. 

His eyebrows push together in confusion for a moment before his face clears, and she knows he’s remembering the same conversation she’s thinking of, the one they had when they had both freaked out, after sleeping together for the first time. 

“I did” he agrees, lifting his arm as if to touch her, then dropping it worthlessly at his side "And you clearly have said what's that, so I don’t see what we’re doing here arguing about it” Taylor says finally, staring down at the floor for a moment, sighing deeply, before he takes a step back and lifts his eyes back to hers “Look, I need some air, so I'm gonna go. you clearly don’t want me here, and I won’t force you to stay with me” 

I always want you here. 

Hayley wants to scream, wants to ask him to stay, wants to argue some more, needs him to tell her all the reasons why this is a bad idea, why they should stay together, that she’s fucked it up, but they can still fix it, and yet the damage is already done, and he seems to realize a minute before she does.  

“I’m sorry” 

Taylor’s face hardens for a moment at the words, and he swallows thickly a blank look on his face, as he lingers in front of her for another few seconds, looking like he wants to say something else, blinking a few times to make up his mind on that, but then it’s just too late for more words and he knows it. 

I got the trigger, but you hold the gun 
How come you never put the safety on?

 

January 2019

It'a a cold winter night when Taylor allows himself one indulgence; checking her location.  

It used to be a source of pride to see their icons constantly together, but now Hayley’s was fixed over the other side of the city and the curly haired man couldn’t make up his mind about it, couldn’t decide if she’d simply forgotten or wanted to punish him for how it’d played it out. Either way,Taylor couldn’t stop himself from clicking on the app and zooming in on her icon, a picture of her smiling face cruelly mocking his pain. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting to find, but clinging onto the last physical reminder of their  very real relationship sort of stopped the aching, stopped him from completely burying all the memories from the past year and never looking back. 

So what do people sing about once they've finally found it 
Take it for granted think of how they were better without it? 

I'd like to imagine 
I'd never be like that 
But if I'm honest 
I know I already have 

For her it happens a month later, on another night of cooking for one and crying into her dinner.

Hayley's mindlessly checks her phone, her brows furrowing in confusion when she catches Taylor’s icon moving along the east Nashville Street until it stops in a bar, a bar that the little blonde knows very well. 

Dino’s.  

It kills her to see Taylor alone in their bar. She had never been in that bar without him, and she knew it was the same for the curly haired man, Hayley couldn’t help but think that it was a sign, a way of extending an olive branch without words.  

Even if it's not, it only takes her a second to make up her mind, she’s not going to let him go without a fight this time.  

She rushes to pull on her shoes, and as an afterthought, heads to her bedroom. Rooting through her dresser, the tiny blonde pulls out the familiar black hoodie and zips it securely. She’s sure why, but her gut tells her if she also needs to extend the olive branch, that is really it and if she’s not brave enough to swallow her doubts, she will lose her chance to make it right, for good.  

Running down the stairs, Hayley only has one thought in her mind.  

She sprints along the street to get to Dino’s, the anxiety letting her cover the short distance in mere minutes. She barely registers the way her lungs gasp for air as she pushes open the door, the bustle of the bar making her physically recoil as the memories overwhelm her when her eyes immediately find Taylor in her usual seat.  

The patrons stare at her in excitement as she makes her way to the bar, the top of Taylor’s head just visible. Pushing her way through the final few obstacles, she finally reaches the object of her affection just as all coherent thoughts seem to leave her mind.  

Her favorite person in the whole wide world is quietly drawing patterns on the condensation of his beer glass, and before she can even ask if she can sit down, the bartender is placing her drink on the mat in front of the stool, so Hayley swallows and hesitantly sits down, her arm brushing against his as the chair wobbles.  

Taylor takes some time to look up from his glass but when he does, his brown eyes are filled with tears. He smiles tightly at her but shows no real sign of being pleased or upset with her presence.  

“I can leave if you want” Hayley says softly, her brow furrowed with concern. Taylor looks so broken that she’s starting to regret ever checking his location. These stools no longer remind her of their love-struck year,instead they linger with the pain of their final night.  

'Cause I got the trigger but you hold the gun 
How come you never put the safety on? 
I got the trigger but you hold the gun 
How come you never put the safety on? 

“No” Taylor whispers clearing his throat with glossy eyes, “can we just...can we talk?”  

I got the trigger but you own the gun 
How come you never put the safety on? 
Yeah, I got the trigger but you hold the gun 
How come you never put the safety on? 

 

 

Chapter 7: Over those hills

Summary:

“T, are you busy? I could use the help of a professional guitarist on this one little thing, do you mind?” she sounds frustrated, as if this one little thing she needs help with has been testing her patience and is one inconvenience away from exploding, green eyes pleading with him
It makes him hide the grin that’s threatening to take over his whole face, the adorable little blonde too much for his beating heart.
“Love, I hate to break it to you but I’m actually, as of last May just your unemployed boyfriend. I used to play in that one shitty band with the cute redhead that always forgot the lyrics on stage, but that was ages ago” the smirk on his face is hard to miss and he looks so pleased with himself, as if he’s said the funniest thing in the world.
“Oh, common!! You just don’t want to get off that couch! please come help me with this real quick and then you can go back to sharing memes with Zac or whatever it is that has you laughing so loudly!” 

Notes:

Hey guys! here's another small update.
The process of editing is not the most fun or quick but I've been so happy to fix the chapters so the stories are closer to the actual songs, though a small word of advice from me to you, please be super sure you want it all gone if you press delete 🙈.
Anyways, thanks again for the nice comments and all the good thoughts you've sent my way.

PS. pleaaaaaaaaaaase help a girl out!!! what other nicknames or terms of enderament can we use for Taylor and Hayley???
At least in my stories I try to make a distintion between the guys and only Taylor calls her Hayles as opposed to her friends that use H or Hayley too, same way mostly she calls him T, I went with Babe instead of baby cause that sounded like more of a Kayla and Zac thing and again, I like to make the subtle distinctions in the stories, but I'm running out of ideas, tiny blonde and curly haired man only go so far and you never realized how much you use 'she', 'he' 'Hayley', 'Taylor' until you begin to re read your old stuff!
So please if you've got any suggestions don't be shy, i'd really appreciate it. what else has Hayley called Taylor?? and what else can or has he called her?
Lots of love,
Em xx

Late October 2020,   

Da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da-da  
Da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da  
Da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da-da  

The guitar sound cuts through the afternoon silence in a soothing way. 

There’s a soft humming accompanying the calm melody coming from her music room and the occasional curse word that leaves his girlfriend’s lips any time one notes does not go right, never fails to make him smile even from a distance.   

Taylor is sitting on the living room of her house with his computer balanced on a pillow, calmly reading an old article that he’d being meaning to get a look for the longest time, he’s more than happy to wait as long as needed for her undivided attention, but for now, Dan’s got that pleasure as they immerse in light conversation not ready to finish their session just yet.  

The two friends have been exchanging ideas for their new album for about a month now, the back and forth coming from the screen on her phone because of the restrictions the state of the world demands and even if Hayley had been a bit worried about the lack of in person contact with Dan at first, so far they’ve been making it work.  The curly haired man thinks the process has been going well, not that he knows for sure because he's been staying pretty out of it and leaving them to it as he spends his time sorting out his place; packing some stuff, selling others, not wanting to intrude, however, after every session, is hard to miss how smiley and lighter she seems and as far as he’s concerned, that means things are going really well.  

The sun going down as the clock reads six pm serves as a reminder that winter is getting closer by the day and recently they’d gotten word from the constructors that the renovations on their new house should be done by the start of December, something Taylor to admit was giving his days a lovely warm glow every time he began to think about spending their birthdays on Their home. Waking up to thirty-one on their bed, next to Hayley, is all he can think about as of late, the mere thought enough to turned around even the badest or coldest days and the curly haired man is lost in that daydream when Hayley pokes her head through the door frame catching his attention with a troubled look in her eyes. 

“T, are you busy? I could use the help of a professional guitarist on this one little thing, do you mind?” she sounds frustrated, as if this one little thing she needs help with has been testing her patience and is one inconvenience away from exploding, green eyes pleading with him  

It makes him hide the grin that’s threatening to take over his whole face, the adorable little blonde too much for his beating heart.  

“Love, I hate to break it to you but I’m actually, as of last May just your unemployed boyfriend. I used to play in that one shitty band with the cute redhead that always forgot the lyrics on stage, but that was ages ago” the smirk on his face is hard to miss and he looks so pleased with himself, as if he’s said the funniest thing in the world.  

“Oh, common!! You just don’t want to get off that couch! please come help me with this real quick and then you can go back to sharing memes with Zac or whatever it is that has you laughing so loudly!” 

She has a point there he thinks chuckling softly at their easy banter, and only because he’s enjoying it too much, he doesn’t give in just yet, letting himself indulge for a bit longer. 

“Do I have to beg? “Pretty pretty please Mr. York, will you be a doll and help me? Hayley says in a teasing tone, bottom lip caught on her teeth and puppy eyes on full display. 

“Don’t put those kinds of ideas in my head Hayles” he counters in a playful tone that makes her blush for once, a specific memory crossing her mind and she has to shake her head to clear her thoughts when she watches her favorite curly haired man get up from the comfy couch to go make his way to her.  

“Ok” He responds circling her waist on his arms and kissing her head “what do you need help with?” Taylor wonders, brown eyes giving her his full attention now. 

Hayley moves them both back to the music room and settles on the couch right by window, with her partner in crime following close by until he’s standing next her, completely distracted watching the light reflecting in her eyes, the bluish winter hue making them greener somehow and giving Taylor all the reason he needs to kiss her lightly just because . 

 When he pulls away, he doesn’t go very far, still standing close enough to feel her breath on his cheek and count the flecks of brown in her gaze; it’s how he manages to spot the faint smudge of black liner in the corner of her right eye, the little mishaps so very endearing. 

“You missed just a little bit right here”  

He tells her reaching out to wipe it with his thumb, the action loving and gentle as he feels the raise of her cheek when Hayley smiles amusingly at him.  

“That was just an excuse to touch me, T” she explains, and Taylor can’t help the smirk that pulls at his mouth when he leans back in, palms gliding up her thighs as he drops a kiss to the spot his thumb just swiped.  

“Believe me, I wouldn’t use an excuse to touch you on that” Despite the flash of something like heat in her eyes, Hayley juts her chin out and peers at him defiantly. 

“Oh yeah? What would you use it on?”  

He doesn’t answer with words, instead, Taylor cups her jaw and pulls her into another deeper kiss, one that definitely sidetracks all the professional work they were supposed to do and it’s a lot later, after he’s managed to distract her completely that they finally get back to it. 

Hayley picks the electric guitar and starts playing the riff she’s come up with for the solo of this new song, the melody echoes through the amp and he bops his head along to the music watching her in awe.  

It sounds good , the notes flying seamlessly on her fingertips, and he gets confused about what the problem might be when it all seems fine, so Taylor tells her just that. “It sounds pretty perfect to me, so what’s the issue? You look stress about it”  

Hayley drops the guitar and turns to him when he gets closer, reaching out to her, rubbing her arm up and down in a comforting way. “Dan and I have this idea to make an acoustic album with me playing everything. Covid makes it harder for me to get everyone for the recording and all of that but also, I want to do it. It’s been forever since I’ve gotten this excited about playing guitar”   

He knows what she means , as of late, his favorite trouble make can usually be found by the staircase in the mornings, small delicate fingers just strumming mindlessly with a cup of tea, very peacefully and on occasion, with the company of a confused looking Alf by her side. 

"I'm set on having this guitar part I've had on loop since yesterday, yet somehow when I play the song all the way through, I feel like it doesn't match well with the rest. Dan said it sounds good, but I don’t want just good T, I want great ” She’s full-on pouting now and he has to drop a lingering kiss on her forehead because she’s just too damn cute sometimes  

“Could I maybe play you the whole song, so you can give me a professional guitarist opinion on this dilema?”   

“That depends. is this one really gore? Should I be prepared for a heart wrenching lyric?” he asks slightly wincing at the idea. "I need some warning if so” 

Hayley gives him a soft look at the subtle way he let that slide, after all, there was a reason Taylor didn’t want to be a part of this project and she’d be stupid not to respect that and the tiny blonde closes the distance between them in one stride, hand coming to caress his cheek. 

He never says no, not even if the song could make him upset (which this one won’t she hopes), he would still try to help her with whatever she needs without a question, it’s just the way he is, and one of the many reasons she loves him so much.  

“I don’t think this one’s too bad, I can play it for you if you want” Hayley suggests. She gives him an out , if he doesn't feel like it, she can play the music but omit the lyrics so that way he can still help without having to remember those times if he’s not up for it today.   

But he only nods his head signaling for her to go ahead and play it. 

Taylor listens quietly while she serenates him in the middle of the music room of her house. They paint a picture surely out of one of his teenage dreams, old times when he would makeup this kind of unlikely scenarios that used to fog his mind any time their interactions crossed the line from just friends to something more and he’s so distracted with that thought, that when she stops playing it takes him a second to get back into the very real afternoon together.  

“Can you see my predicament? Do we think the solo won’t work well with the overall vibe of the song?” 

He thinks back to the music just played and nods. “I do, but it’s a really simple fix, Love. You've got the key wrong for what you want to achieve on that, here, let me show you what I mean” he takes the guitar from her emulating the progression she played him but switches to a different key and then, also suggests she uses a different guitar from his own collection, one that will make it easier to get the desire outcome she’s looking for, but that’s as far as Taylor goes. This is her album and he’s just a supportive boyfriend this time.  

Over those hills
I bet you're somewhere dreaming
I take my pills
Every night and, in the morning,
When you wake up
Ever wish I was beside you?
We could look out together on those hills forever

“Ok, now that we’re here can you tell me where we are?” 

“We’re in Malibu, babe” She stated as if it’s most obvious thing in the world and grabbed his hand to lead them closer to the big door.

Taylor had playfully rolled his eyes, “I know that, but what are we doing here? Thought we were staying with Lindsay tonight; you’ve been going on and on about going to see her while we are in LA” He'd explained, and Hayley tried but failed to hide her smile.

“Don’t worry T, we’re seeing her tomorrow, I just wanted a night for ourselves” she'd told him, walking them through the entrance and into the living room. He'd glanced around trying to figure out where they were still a bit distracted with the way the afternoon light made her eyes look greener somehow. 

“A night to do what?” the curly haired man had questioned with a teasing smirk

“Well...” Hayley'd said suggestively grinning at him, “Go on a sunset beach walk obviously. I know a spot but it’s a bit of a hike to get there so drink some water. Don’t want you passing out on me, T”

“Obviously” he'd repeated matching her smile and cornering her on the kitchen island until their nose were touching, glancing down at her his partner with inmense love and not missing the chance to to tease her, this different side of her so very amusing“Who are you and what have you done with my Hayley?” 

She'd just rolled her eyes, “You’re so annoying” 

“No, seriously, the Hayley I know would never willingly go on a hike, what have you done to her?” Taylor continued to joke and Hayley couldn't help but laugh with him, playfully smacking his arm, “Haha, very funny T. I do exercise” 

“You only dance and do that ballet thingy occasionally. You never hike” He'd pointed out smugly, though it'd backfires rather quickly, cause really, who were they both kidding?

“Like you do much exercise! But to answer your rude questions, this spot is worth it, so drink up. I’m gonna go shower, I think there’s some snacks in my bag so help yourself okay” She'd offered grabbing her change of clothes, but Taylor had taken them out of her hand, moving to grab his as well. 

“I’ll join you, you know, save the planet and all” 

Over those hills
I bet you're somewhere dreaming
I take my pills
Every night and, in the morning,
When you wake up
Ever wish I was beside you?
We could look out together on those hills forever

“You’re lucky you’re cute” 

Hayley pointed out when the two bandmates had found themselves seated on a picnic blanket with a basket full of food and the most beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean. 

“Okay you were right, this view is spectacular” The curly haired man had declared as he popped another grape into his mouth. 

“I told you; I’ll hike if it’s really worth it” Hayley'd laughed sipping on the bottle of red they had brought up and Taylor had glanced over at his beautiful partner unable to stop the goofy smile spreading across his face cause from where he was sitting the setting sun was casting the most perfect glow over her face and it made her look so ethereal, all he wanted was to stay in this moment for as long as possible, to tattoo the image of her sitting here in his mind forever. 

The tiny blonde could feel his eyes on her, so she'd glanced over to him with a funny look “What?” 

He had shrugged and scooted closer to her, wrapping his arm around her and enjoying their time together, “Nothing, just admiring my beautiful company” he'd admitted with a happy grin that'd made her cheeks turned bright pink.

Hayley could feel the heat rising, he always showered her with compliments, but they never fail to make her feel giddy “I love you T” 

Taylor's smiles from that night was itched in her memory cause when he had leaned to press a quick kiss to her head all time seemed to stand still if only for moment, it been the most perfect sunset, and although both unaware at the time, the calm before the storm.

"I love you more”

Hayley seems satisfied with his help, moving to sit next to him and omitting any comments about the lack of comments from Taylor about the song. She thinks that he’ll tell her in his own time, removing old wounds is never easy, never mind if it’s for the sake of the art, so she lets him back to his previous activities, as settles in the couch to work on the song some more. 

After dinner, they migrate to the living room for a late-night movie, his head on her chest, small fingers tangling in the curls to sooth both their minds with the gentle back and forth.  It’s somewhere in the middle of a half decent spy thriller that Taylor finally voices his thoughts to her. 

“You wrote the lyrics to that one a while ago, right? when it’d just happened?” Is more of a statement than a question, but Hayley still gives him an answer. 

“I did, yes. If I can remember correctly, it was fairly soon after the LA trip” her voice goes quiet and small, like any time they go back to that topic, and yet each time they talk about it seems to soften another scar. “I was scrolling on my phone and saw that crypted post you made. After that I went offline for a while”  

Cause it hurt too much not knowing what to say...  

“Huh” Taylor nods in understanding as the unspoken words linger in the air. 

“Huh? that’s all the acknowledgment I get?” she moves her head to get a better look at him this time, wanting to make out what he’s thinking and despite the painful topic, his brown eyes are clear and honest. 

“Is a lovely song Hayles, you guys are making great music together” he tells her while tracing his thumb over the black squares on her fingers, a reflect that always makes it all feel less overwhelming, little reminders for his brain that she’s there with him. “I just feel the need to apologize again about LA” He whispers in sadness. “I know I let you take most of the blame, but I was no better, and I'll always be sorry that I hurt you” he tells her, voice cracking a bit. “I never want to be the reason you feel bad or that you cry at therapy” 

She gives him a soft smile and leans over to give him a kiss that holds more meaning than words can convey. “Thanks for saying that, but I already know. you’ve said so before” she says letting her thumb trace the furrow in his brows, “we are past that now T, we don’t cry over boys in this house anymore, hearts don’t break around here ”  

They chuckle at that feeling lighter already and watch the movie some more until Taylor speaks again, like he’s had an afterthought.  

“Hayles, by the way” He mutters making an extended pause that catches her attention. “I was always wishing you were beside me. Barely slept anything during those four months”   

The words make the fingers on his hair freeze and his heart stammer on her chest as she drinks in his quiet confession. 

“I’d pace around my house at night thinking about you and would almost call you every time. But I was scared that I would do more harm than good if I did it and it would’ve broken me so much to know you didn't want to hear from me again”  

So this is the feeling
You can't imagine that it's real
Till you feel it

“The only way I could really manage to fall was spraying your perfume on my pillow, I know is pathetic (he almost looks embarrassed admiting that and it throws her), but you left a bottle at my place once and I kept it until I accidentally dropped it and it shattered.I don’t need to tell you how much I lost it when that happened" his eyes get darker at the memory.  

Oh
Almost went numb
Thought I'd had enough
But the hurt is half the fun

“Taylor...” she sighs leaning over to kiss his temple with glossy eyes “I'm so glad we are not there anymore and that we somehow figured it out, I love you so much”

------------------------------------------------------------------

Over those hills
I bet you're somewhere dreaming
I take my pills
Every night and in the morning
When you wake up
Ever wish I was beside you?
We could look out together on those hills forever

 

Over those hills
I bet you're somewhere dreaming
I take my pills
Every night and in the morning
When you wake up
Ever wish I was beside you? (beside, beside you)
We could look out together on those hills forever

 

So this is the feeling
You can't imagine that it's real
Till you feel it
Oh
Almost went numb
Thought I'd had enough
But the hurt is half the fun

 

Da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da-da
Da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da
Da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da-da

We could look out together on those hills forever

Chapter 8: Good grief

Summary:

She’s brought back from her incessant pacing by the sound of the knocking on the door and she sights out loud making her way there to see, what in the hells could it be this time!
Hayley opens the front door with enough force that it almost gives her whiplash but the curse word ready on her lips dies down as soon as she catches sight of the face in front of her smiling nervously, bouquet of flowers in hand.  

Notes:

*contains Smut (but you already knew that by the tittle of the song ;)

Hayley flicks off the lights of the ensuite, throwing the towel into the hamper as she heads over to the floor length mirror in the corner of the bedroom, lotion in hand. It’s been a long week, culminating tonight with what feels like the longest GDY photoshoot of her life, capped off with a couple of celebratory drinks that had left her happy but also so ready for a night of unwinding. 

She’d barely seen Taylor all week, two ships passing in the night as she’d dealt with extensive crises about the new hair launch, and he’d spent his days doing his unemployed side quests like looking over more gear he absolutely didn’t need. He had texted her once the game was done, seeing if she wanted him to pick her up from the bar on his way back but she was already home by then, hopping in the shower to scrub the colorful glitter away. The small blonde tightens the rope on her stripy red robe and takes a deep breath, more than ready to end the night crashing in her bed, as far away from this week as possible. 

Her daydreaming is cut short when she hears the front door open, immediately followed by his low whistling. It’s a tune she can’t recognize but it still brings a smile to her face, the impact the game he’s just seen seemingly putting him in a happy mood, even if he’s not conscious of it. Taylor’s whistling is almost instantly drowned out by Alf’s barks though, and Hayley can almost picture the scene as she hears it, her lovely partner crouching to greet their dog, his gentle “is only me, Alfie! Just saw you a couple hours ago dude, I'm not back from war ” before a softer “yeah, yeah I missed you too, buddy” 

She smiles to herself at the mental image as she places the body lotion on the dresser, squirting some on her palm and rubbing it into her neck and shoulders, listening to Taylor still cooing at their sweet fluff ball. It’s just a few minutes later when she hears his footsteps up the stairs, his knuckles lightly knocking on the door as he pushes it open, catching her attention and making her look over at him, almost choking on air when his girlfriend get a sight of him, leaning against the door, smiling brightly at her.  

He looks good .  

The slightly stubble and shorter curly hair growing nicely, the sudden buzzcut that she’d been tentative about at first really doing wonders on her heart now. And the fit?  

The fit .   

The light brown jacket over the tight fitted green shirt that lets her have a peak of his chest hair, combined with the dark jeans and vans makes him look absolutely delicious and Hayley can’t help gaping a bit, green eyes bluntly roaming up and down to get a good look of him.  

“Like the outfit?” he asks with a bashful laugh, her grin widening as they lock eyes.  

“Love the outfit” She confesses, green eyes still drinking in how handsome he truly is. 

Taylor smirks, moving a bit to get inside the room, teasingly shrugging his jacket to give a better look of the shirt and his tattooed arms, “Glad you are enjoying my laundry day, all my black clothes were dirty” He jokes making her huff a laugh, as she looks back at his face, his eyes staring back at her with a twinkle.  

“Scandalous” she murmurs mockingly and if possible, his smirk only deepens, Hayley’s stomach twisting as they stand there, staring at each other for a few moments. “You look fucking hot, T” 

“So do you” he says back without missing a beat, brown eyes simmering as they sweep slowly down her body. 

“Me?” she asks incredulously, looking down at herself. “I’m wearing my old robe” 

“Meant what I said” he shrugs, unbothered as he pushes off the doorframe and makes his way over to the other side of the room.  

Taylor’s hands come up to frame her face as he leans in to kiss her, indulging in the intimacy for a second before pulling away and wrapping his arms around Hayley, pulling her close. She winds her arms around his neck, holding on as he rubs a hand up and down her back, pressing a sweet kiss to her temple that makes her sigh in contentment “Hi” 

“Hi, back” she answers with a grin, leaning up to kiss him again. “Missed you this week” 

“Me too. You had a long week, huh? How was the shoot?” he asks, snorting a laugh when she makes a face. “That bad?” 

“Not bad” she corrects feeling warm down to her toes when he honks out a laugh “just super fucking long. The game went alright? Did the Titans win?” 

“We did” he confirms happily as he moves the hand from her waist to push a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, brushing the backs of his fingers against her cheek before pressing a kiss there. “It was a really good one, think this will be our season”  

Hayley snorts “you say that about every season love” 

"Rude little minx” he scolds, pinching her chin between his index finger and thumb when she laughs. “I’m just saying, think we really have a chance this time, so I’m excited to see what will happen on the next few dates”  

“Mmm, me too” She confirms, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. “Can’t wait to see you and Justin swearing to your heart’s content and call it ‘relaxing’” she tells him with a grin and Taylor laughs, shaking his head at the blunt call out but when Hayley reaches for the lotion on the dresser again, he whines watching her move out of his embrace. 

“I’m almost done” she says, “Just be two seconds” 

Hayley lifts her leg, resting it on the pouf beside her and grins as she hears his sharp intake of breath when the sides of her robe fall back, revealing the skin of her naked thigh. She goes to squirt the lotion onto her hands only to be quickly stopped by Taylor’s hand that clasps firmly around her wrist.   

“Let me do that” he offers, quietly taking the lotion from her hands and leaning to press a slow, soft kiss to her cheek.  

He sits down on the pouf, looking up at his beautiful partner with warmth in his eyes and the promise of more. Taylor taps his thigh, before curling his hand around her calf, bringing it up so her foot rests on his thigh and when her knee in line with his shoulder, he smooths his hand over her skin, Hayley’s breath catching in her throat as he leans in to press his lips to her thigh. He closes his eyes, taking a shuddering breath and losing himself in the moment, as he slowly drags his lips up along the pale skin. He pulls back slightly after pressing a kiss to her knee, squirting lotion on his hands before working them up her legs, rubbing it into the smooth skin, kneading the muscles and she has to reach out a hand to hold on to his shoulder for support as his hands move up under the robe, before sliding back out.  

He places her foot on the floor and grabs the other, giving it the same treatment, taking his time to kiss up along her inner thigh before he works the lotion into her skin, fingers digging into the muscles until they loosen under his touch. Hayley can’t take her eyes off him, a bit delirious already, feeling Taylor’s breath quicken as he moves his hands over her skin, eyes not wavering from her as he goes higher and higher, just shy of where she suddenly needs him the most.  

The curly haired man smirks when she deflates slightly as he puts her other foot on the ground though he immediately makes up for it by wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling the tiny blonde in between his legs, lips twitching at her sharp intake of breath. He rests his chin on her belly, looking up at her with nothing but adoration as she brings a hand up to drag through his curly hair the sweet action making him lean into the touch, his hands holding her tight before loosening their hold, slowly moving up and down the robe, squeezing as he goes. Taylor presses a kiss to the terry cloth fabric covering her form before pulling at the tie, sighing happily when it comes undone, the robe falling open to reveal her naked body underneath.  

He leans slowly, taking his time to kiss along her belly as his stubble scratches Hayley’s skin. Taylor’s hand slides up to grope at her breast, arousal pooling in her stomach when she feels his tongue dart out against her stomach. He groans when her small hand tightens in his hair as he switches hands, bringing one hand to grope at her bum while the other works over her other breast. Fuck . The tiny blonde just stands there, practically panting as he makes her melt underneath his hands and mouth, taking his time to suck a mark by her ribs.  

“Missed you so much this week” Taylor murmurs against her skin. “My hard-working girl”  

He wraps his arms around her waist, pulling Hayley down into this lap and burying his face into her neck, kissing a slow line up her throat. “You smell so good, love” he murmurs, his hot breath making her squirm, her naked thighs sliding on his trousers. “Feel so soft and warm ” 

His lips find their way up her jaw, nose brushing against her temple as he presses a slow kiss to her cheek, his hands slowly moving up and down her body, getting lower with each pass. 

“Is this what the game inspired then?” She asks playfully, breath catching when his hands knead her bum. 

“No, this is all you, babe” he murmurs against her cheek. “It’s always all you Hayles”  

His index finger draws back and forth on her jaw before turning her mouth towards his, nose brushing against hers, once, twice, wide grin breaking out when the tiny blonde lets out a frustrated whine, firm hand cupping her face as he presses their lips together in passionate kiss. It’s been mere minutes since he’d last kissed her, but somehow it feels like ages now , both of them inhaling sharply at the contact before pressing in for more. Hayley’s hand slides up into his curly hair as his mouth opens, his tongue rolling over hers in a smooth pass, making her thighs clench against his. Each kiss somehow deeper than the last, each of them pouring all they have into every kiss, every swipe of tongue, every lingering press of lips until they’re both gasping for breath.  

“Need to touch you” He pants against her cheek before taking Hayley’s mouth again. 

“Please - oh ” She gasps against his lips as Taylor’s hands trails down her body, inching closer and closer to where she wants him most, green eyes rolling inside her head his touch making her ever so desperate “Taylor...T”  

He hums at her little high pitch whine pulling her closer, and she finds herself taking in his outfit once more, green eyes scanning him from top to bottom, snagging on the parts she likes best. When she looks back up at him, his brown eyes are dark, hungry, his jaw clenched as he brings a hand up to cup her face. 

“Do you have any idea how you look at me when you like what I’m wearing?” he says, practically growling, his eyes lighting up in the way they get when he’s got his mind set on something, a chill rushing down Hayley’s spine at the thought of that something being her. “Not even sure if I can describe it…makes me feel like I’m on fire ” 

He pinches her chin between his index finger and thumb, holding her in place as he claims her mouth, taking his time to kiss Hayley so thoroughly her head spins. 

“Sometimes when I’m, like, nervous about something, an interview or a show, I’ll picture your face seeing me like that” he says when he pulls away. “The way you look at me, the way you devour me with your eyes. Makes me feel like I can do anything. You make me feel so good about myself Hayles, the way you want me” 

“I do - I do want you, T” she says breathlessly, his confession making her heart race, the never-ending pattern of his hands and mouth making arousal pool low in her belly. 

“Gonna show me?” he murmurs against her mouth, smirking when she nods. “Me too babe. Gonna show you just how much I want you. How much I always want you. I always -” 

Hayley moans, cutting him off with a hard kiss, her tongue swiping over his in a way that has Taylor groaning into her mouth. She pulls him impossibly closer, small hands sliding up his tattoed covered arms and over his shoulders, weaving her hands into his curly hair as she sinks deeper into the kiss until he pulls away slowly, panting as he kisses her jaw, tongue darting out to indulge in the taste of her skin. 

“Turn around, Love” he mutters lowly, spinning her in his hold until her back is against his chest, his hands splaying across her stomach, her hear racing when she looks up to see that they’re both now facing the mirror.  

Oh .  

“Let’s get this off” he murmurs, pulling the robe up and off her, letting it crumple in a pile at her feet. Taylor pulls her body up against his as he hooks his chin over her shoulder, running his hands up and down her body, his eyes dragging up and down her reflection, feeling like molten lava as they take her in. “God, look at you” 

The momentary instinct to look away from the mirror, to hide from the reflection of her naked body is immediately overpowered by the sight she sees, her naked body against him still fully clothed, his knuckles turning white in desperation as he drags his mouth along her neck, mumbling praise after praise into her skin without ever breaking eye contact. Where this should be a vulnerable situation, instead Hayley feels dead sexy. Almost turned inside out with how much she wants this  how much she needs him. She can feel how much he wants her too, how hard he’s already for her, just from this, can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch and fuck if it’s not the hottest thing she’s ever experienced “Taylor...” 

“T...” 

Her chest is heaving as he pauses his ministrations, resting his hands on her lower belly before bringing one up to clutch at her jaw, instantly covering her mouth with his. She winds her arm around his neck, hand grasping at the hair at the nape as he groans into her mouth, fingertips sinking into her skin and just as Taylor’s slides his hand down making her gasp against his mouth, her hearts plummets, green eyes blinking in the warm sunlight as her alarm blares on the nightstand. 

Hayley looks around her empty bedroom in confusion, her brain lagging on what was happening. And then it dawns on her.  

It was just a dream.    

The cruel realization makes her sigh disappointedly as she leaned across her bed to turn the beeping off, ready to throw her phone against the wall and shatter it. Tugging it off the charger aggressively, the tiny blonde flops back onto her pillow and stares at the ceiling for a moment, taking deep breaths to calm herself and her beating heart that somehow now hurts even more... 

Nashville, February 14, 2019 [7:00 AM]  

 

The good dye young office is in full swing. They are preparing for a new launch and Brian moves across the table at high pace approving and disapproving samples left and right, while Hayley stares blankly at the computer screen in front of her.  

There's a loud bang somewhere in the back and she catches herself in her distraction scolding her face quickly to keep the mood light, cause the last thing Brian needs right now is having to deal with her mess so the tiny blonde makes a mental note of that and takes a deep breath, telling herself to just get on with the work. The faster they're done with the day, the sooner she can get back to staring at the wall but in the solitude of her own house.  

"Hayley, are you almost done with the emails? I could use a hand here" Brian's thick southern accent calls for her, making her snap out of herself pity party if just for a moment. 

" Yeah, yes, I’m coming" she answers quickly getting up from her seat and stumbling a little, feeling lightheaded. 

It was probably way past lunch time by now and she makes a mental note to go by her mom's later and drop the package that's been sitting in her car since last week. She didn't mean to forget simply tasks so often now, but she'd gotten ready in a hurry to get to the office in time after her awful morning and in all honesty, showing up had taken most of her energy for the day, a very recurring theme lately.  

Brian's blue eyes watch her in worry from where he stands, his guts twists in guilt at the image his blonde friend paints; paler than a ghost even under the blush adorning her cheeks, a sweatshirt that's so big it drowns her and scolding her features quickly to try and convince him everything's fine, when he knows she's far from it.  

"Alright guys, why don't we make a pause and take the lunch break now?, I think we are good for now, just need you, Hayles to pick one of those yellow samples from the right please" her best friend tells her pointing in the direction for her to go, watching her do as she's told. 

Satisfied with that, Brian ushers Becca with his hand and gives her a detailed order so the girl can go get lunch for everyone at the restaurant around the corner and once she's out of the room he excuses himself to go make a call outside not even bothering to overthink it, the cold air making him wrap his jacket around him tighter when he steps out, his thumb gliding over the Z name on his phone and the tone ringing twice before he picks up.  

 "Hey, are you good to talk?"

[2:00 PM]  

 

The tiny blonde goes around the house collecting all the stuff that still makes up memories she can’t erase feeling like a crazy person, fury being the fuel in her step.  

Hayley thought she’d been doing fine; sadness was still deep in her bones, but time can help, and she thought she was past this stage of anger about it, about them.  

Three months seemed like enough time to not feel so mad anymore, yet it had taken one simple thing to bring it all back.  

Oh, the joy of loving someone so much!   

She’s brought back from her incessant pacing by the sound of the knocking on the door and she sights out loud making her way there to see, what in the hells could it be this time!  

Hayley opens the front door with enough force that it almost gives her whiplash but the curse word ready on her lips dies down as soon as she catches sight of the face in front of her smiling nervously, bouquet of flowers in hand.  

“Happy valentines' day H” Zac softly says extending his hand to offer the flowers for her to take “Are you going to let me in? I come bearing gifts” he tells her handing her a pint of her favorite ice cream as well, a cheeky glint in his eyes. “Thought we could share some of this, watching cartoons”  

She’s momentarily taken back by the meaning behind this gesture from Zac but it’s just for a second, cause soon she’s launching forward to the arms of her oldest friend like her life depends on it, something he’s quick to return, his arms tightening around her small frame.  

“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in LA with Kayla?” she asks, voice muffled by the way her cheek’s pressed to his jacket. 

Zac gives her one last tight squeeze before pulling her into the house, "common, let’s go inside it’s too cold to stay here any longer.” 

She sits on a stool in her kitchen watching him as he places two big scoops of vegan chocolate ice cream for them and a peeled clementine on one of the bowls (a little reminder of how much he knows her), the silence not an uncomfortable one at all. When he’s done, he hands her the bowls and makes his way to her living room with Hayley following close by.  

“Eat” her little brother tells her, purple spoon pointing at her in a stern command as he scrolls the channels until he finds the one he’s looking for.  

“Zac why are you here? did he put you up to this?” She sounds defeated , the weight of all the emotions in her body pulling her down. 

He turns his face to her, and his eyes soften at his friend “He didn’t. But he always asks about you Hayley; if that’s what you really want to know”  

There’s no point in pretending that the information isn’t what she wanted to hear, or that her friend didn’t catch her eagerness at the words, stills, makes her heart hurt all the same to know he also asks. 

“I just thought you shouldn’t be alone today” He confesses in a caring yet playful tone, one that’s so very Zac.  “Kayla sent you the flowers by the way, said it was about time we had our first date. If people are going to talk, then we should give them something to talk about” he tells her with a chuckle that brings a small smile to her lips. "Besides, I was overdue to come see you in person and not just over a screen, after all we were friends first H, you just forgot about our greatness after you met the curly haired one”  

Hayley’s heart warms at this, and she moves closer to soak up the comfort his company brings, the background noise of the tv the only sound around until she speaks again in a tired voice. 

“He sent a song today” Zac’s head moves to take a better look at her at that. “He sent a song and he’s been messaging Brian and mom too, but he can’t even fucking answer one of the million texts I’ve sent” Hayley sighs sadly, “I get that I hurt him badly, I hate myself about it enough for both of us” She states, seeming about ten years younger with the shyness of her posture, and though Zac's hand starts rubbing circles on her back to try and soothe some of her pain, in reality, it only adds to it, to the very loud absence on her couch.

“He has to stop being there for me like he’s still my boyfriend if we are ever going to heal from this”  

His tiny blonde friende says the words in way that feels like that is the actual last thing she wants and the tone plus the broken look in her face gives Zac permission to voice a thought he would keep to himself otherwise. 

“Hayley, you know that’s not ever going to happen right? Taylor doesn't know how to not care for you. he’s done it all his life, it’s like breathing for him, a reflex” 

The realness in her little brother's words is like a punch in the gut for Hayley right then and it hurts so bad to know there’s no way she could argue back to that, no way she can refute it, even if at moment it feels anything but with the way he's shut her out of his life completely.

“I don’t want to get in between you two, I told myself that this was something you had to figure out by yourselves, but I’ll tell just one thing” Zac admits, making a point to look her in the eyes just then. “There’s no one in this world that loves you more than Taylor and if you feel the same, which I know you do” she doesn't refute him, what’s the point? “Please don’t keep yourself from that happiness, god knows you two have gone through enough”  

“I know” she whispers quietly and full of emotion as she once again lets the tears stream down her face freely, her small frame finding Zac’s protective embrace. "I just don’t know how to fix it; he won’t even talk to me “ She confesses in a tangle of sobs, words hard to make out with her face smush up on his arm.   

[5:00 PM]  

 

She sighs out loud, grabbing the dirty bowls from the coffee table dumping them on the sink, ready to make her way upstairs and end the night with a warm bath after bidding Zac goodbye, and she’s about to do just that when the sound of the doorbell stops her dead in her tracks for the second time today.  

“Hi, Ms. Williams?” asks the guy that looks mid Forties, smile in place holding a brown box, HUGE one  

“Yes?”  

“Here, I have this delivery for you. I can take it inside if that’s ok, it’s pretty heavy” he says in a polite tone and she nods confused, guiding him into her kitchen.   

Once the delivery guy is gone, she’s left wondering who might’ve sent something? It’s not rare for her to get packages from companies or brands, so she looks through the box for a card, but finds none.   

The delivery is also weird, since apparently is a stack of premade vegan meals (enough for a week), and the tiny blonde examines the pamphlet carefully reading what each of them are, noticing that most of them are either her favorite dishes or some kind of take from foods of her liking; like chia pudding and blueberry smoothies.  

Weird.    

Truth be told this is actually quite helpful, it takes a lot of energy to even get up in the morning these days, and she’s not been doing her best at taking care of herself, but she’s trying.   

Still confused, Hayley looks around the box again, in search for a card or a bill, and that’s when she finds the small sticker placed carefully at the bottom of the left side of the box and is then that all of this makes sense. Her blood boils, taking in the billing address that she knows so well.  

The fucking nerve.    

She’s outraged, sad, and feels like screaming, so she does,  going through her closet in anger, dumping things on the floor and the box that's been angrily staring at her for the past two months.She grabs all of it, shirts, some vinyl's, a few pictures (not all of them), a necklace, and a few hand written notes; the tears streaming down her face when she picks up the sweatshirt that still lived on the left side of her bed and faintly smells like him.    

Hayley's so gone in her anger that it’s like her body is not her own, carrying her somewhere else, unable to stop it until she turns the engine off not really knowing how she got there.   

She inspects the street for changes but fails to find any because although it feels like ages ago since she’s been here, realistically it’s only been a few months. Taking a big deep breath, she gets off the car with the box in her hands thinking that she will just set it down on the front porch and leave but it’s only a good plan theorically, because when she takes a few steps towards the front door, the name tag reads ‘ York ‘ and it's all just too much right there. 

The tiny blonde sits on the front porch with her head in her hands letting the painful sobs subside, forgetting that they might actually be home, until the sound of the door and familiar voice make her freeze.   

"Hayley?" the female voice call from behind her, making her freeze. "Is that you?"  

Fuck.    

Taylor's mom takes one good look at the young woman and her whole face softens in understanding. She moves to sit next to her without another word, just wrapping her in a warm hug the same way she’s done many times before through the years; when they were kids and she had fights with one of the boys, when she missed her mom away on tour, when she had come for dinner to the York's house for the first time as his girlfriend .  

"Oh sweetie, is ok shush" she tells her softly rubbing her back lovingly until her body has stopped shaking, and Hayley can’t remember a time she’s ever felt smaller or more ashamed but Michelle York’s nothing but kind to her, just like Taylor .  

"Would you like to come in for a while, I can make us some tea?" his mom asks, sensing everything that’s happening here with one subtle look at the brown box. And Hayley really shouldn’t because it’s unfair to dump all of this on his parents, but she’s so heartbroken and exhausted from all the emotions of the day that maybe a tea and warm hug from another York will be better than crying on her own, even if is not the York she really wants right now .   

“Ok” she answers, still sobbing “Ok, yes...please” 

[8:00 PM]  

-------------------------------------------------------------------

There's no such thing as good grief
Haven't eaten in three weeks
Skin and bones when you're not near me
I'm all skeleton and melody

 

There's no such thing as good grief
Sleep with you in a sex dream
And I'm pretty sure you don't miss the way
I put all my demons on display to your pretty music

 

One more time
Play me something, I won't sing
I'll be quiet, play me something
One more time, I'm listening

 

There's no such thing as good grief
Took two months to pack up your things
But I left a box at your parents' house
Don't know whether to feel sad or proud

 

One more time
Play me something, I won't sing
I'll be quiet, play me something
One more time, I'm listening

Chapter 9: Wait on

Summary:

“Nothing is wrong T, I’m fine just a bit tired I told you”
It’s almost a force of habit by this point, but unlike everyone else today, he doesn’t buy it.
“Is that why you were pacing around the stage so distracted that you almost knocked my amp down again?” the tone is pointed and accusatory
“I wasn’t …"
This time, she keeps her mouth firmly shut before the lie completely spills from her lips. Taylor’s face shifts from amusement to concern in ten seconds flat.
He moves closer, stepping into the vacant space next to the tall window where she’s stood and the light seeping through the glass makes his brown eyes look so inviting that her stomach does a flip. They call to her, pushing the desire to avoid and dodge the question completely out the window.
“You are not usually as distracted on stage, so I was worried, is all” he says in a soft voice  

Notes:

Hey guys, hope you are doing well!
I now the updates are kinda slow but thanks for the nice feedback, editing and re imagining this old chapter has been so good for my peace of mind hehe, this one in particular I love how it turned out so really happy to re post.
Ps. what do you think are T and H's drink of choice?, I know Taylor doesn't drink anymore but to me he always felt like a whiskey/ beer kinda a guy? maybe wine with dinner?, H is a bit tricky, think she'd be a vodka soda type and perhaps likes to try cocktails like a martini?, this is just me overthinking every little detail but I'd love your take on that if you want to share ;)
Lots of love x
Em

New York, October 2017

It was a little past five pm and Hayley sat alone at the back of the Radio music Hall theater. They were about to perform one of the most memorable venues a band could dream of playing, a true milestone for sure. The guys were out and about somewhere in the city surely looking for bottles of champagne to celebrate later, giving her the rare pleasure of a normally crowded loud Green Room full of man, all to herself.  

Sound check had gone fine, there’d been some minimal trouble with Joey’s bass that was getting fixed quickly, but overall, pretty standard.  

And yet Hayley had felt a whirling of emotions as she stood in the middle of that iconic stage just a few moments ago, one emotion she wasn't counting on feeling though, was the wave of sadness that overtook her body when she’d taken a proper look around the place.  

Something about that milestone made her remember how much she’d dreamed of playing there when she was younger, how eighteen year old fiery Hayley Had stayed up at night on more than one occasion hoping and wishing for this day. But here she was, ten years later living that exact dream, unable to bring back that kind of excitement about anything, it felt like another reminder of who she used to be but wasn't anymore.  

After they were off the stage, she could hear the background noise of Zac and Docky talking about taking a stroll around the city before the show, she had politely declined the offer to go with them putting on her best poker face to assure everyone that she was fine, just a bit tired; telling them she would try to get a nap before the show. They had all said their byes and wished her a nice rest, everyone except Taylor.  

“You’ve got about five minutes until Zac comes to drag me out with him” he says carefully, “want to tell me what’s wrong?” furrow brows showing some concern  

“Nothing is wrong T, I’m fine just a bit tired I told you”    

It’s almost a force of habit by this point, but unlike everyone else today, he doesn’t buy it.  

“Is that why you were pacing around the stage so distracted that you almost knocked my amp down again?” the tone is pointed and accusatory   

“I wasn’t …"  

This time, she keeps her mouth firmly shut before the lie completely spills from her lips. Taylor’s face shifts from amusement to concern in ten seconds flat.  

He moves closer, stepping into the vacant space next to the tall window where she’s stood and the light seeping through the glass makes his brown eyes look so inviting that her stomach does a flip. They call to her, pushing the desire to avoid and dodge the question completely out the window.  

“You are not usually as distracted on stage, so I was worried, is all” he says in a soft voice  

And Shit! all she can think about, all she can see, are his damn big brown eyes filled with unwarranted concern.  

She decides to just let him into her thought this once, instead of shutting him off.  

Because it’s Taylor here in front of her, looking for all it’s worth like a kicked puppy, a very hot kicked puppy   

Taylor, who gave her space today but still watched her like a hawk.  

Taylor who has always been there by her side, even when she gave him a way out.  

The first person she thinks about when she wakes up, and the last person she talks to before she goes to bed.  

The first person she wants to tell a stupid joke to, and the first person she calls when she’s in trouble (which is often).  

And she knows it’s the same for him. Can think of numerous examples over the years when he’s sought her out, when he’s relied on her, and they had sat on the floor sharing their sorrows.  

Hayley suddenly feels incredibly stupid for wasting time avoiding him, running away from the only person who has completely and truly accepted her. Who asks for nothing in return except the pleasure of her company.  

I don't wanna wait on you
But it's just what I keep doing
As if I got nothing to do
As if my life won't keep on going without you

The feeling sparks a thought that’s been following her for some time now, are they ever going to address the obvious shift in their relationship? she wants to, she really really wants to but right now is absolutely not the time, and so Hayley takes the easy way out and tells him that one other thought she just had instead.  

“It’s nothing really, I just felt a bit down today at sound check” he nods, signaling for her to keep going, elaborate some more  

“I used to stay up at night dreaming of having the chance to play this venue once, just once in my life” her green eyes a bit glossy with the beginning of tears, “But today all I felt was sorrow, it made me sad that I'm not that Hayley anymore, the one that would get excited about something like this” he takes her hand then, tracing her knuckles with his thumb softly in an attempt to sooth her anxious mind, it does wonders to relax her.  

“Hayley, there’s no shame in feeling your emotions” he tells her, making a point to look her in the eyes as he speaks  

“Not every day is the same, you don’t have to feel happy all the time, you are allowed to be sad or angry or frustrated” she’s a bit stunned at the way he can pull her out of her spiraling thoughts so easily, can get to the bottom of her worries without even trying.  

“You don’t owe me or anyone here anything. if playing this venue made you a bit blue, that’s ok you know, means you are just human, and it won’t be that way always” thumb moving back and forth mindlessly “Just keep that in mind”.  

The sky will wake up every morning
And sometimes feels the need to pour out
All the feelings it's been holding
But either way, it never comes down
It knows its place, it knows a way around the clouds
And their design

He’s still holding her hand when he says it and the tenderness in Taylor’s eyes combined with his words make Hayley wish she could lean in to kiss him. Her body starts to unconsciously move closer, but the moment is cut short by the sound of Zac’s voice calling out for him to hurry because they’re leaving.  

He shifts to leave but thinks better of it and just on impulse maybe, Taylor leans in ever so lightly to give her forehead a gentle kiss and then disappears into the hall to follow Zac without giving her a second look, leaving her in a whole new state of troubling emotions, ones she doesn't know what to do with.  

 

Nashville, December 2017

"Hi" The tiny blonde says brightly at the maître d', "I'm uh … I'm here for the birthday party? For Taylor?" 

"Can I have your name, please?" The suited man asks with a polite smile pulling a piece of paper out of the reservations book, waiting for her to identify herself and Hayley’s grateful for the time to collect herself, chest rattling from the cold and the flurry of nerves she’s all too familiar with ignoring.  

"Hayley Williams" She offers in a mesure tone taking in the dark floor of the restaurant, the flickering candles on the tables and lining the bar that takes up the entire left side of the room. The whole place is beautiful, all deep reds and burgundies, vintage posters, and mismatched, dark wooden furniture, definitely much nicer than they would usually go to just because. There’s a jazz record playing just loudly enough to fuse the conversations at all the tables into one comfortable sound and strangely, she has the sudden thought, that this would make for a sexy place for a date, dark and foggy just teasing enough for cheeky stolen touches under the table that would feel thrilling and seductive in the dim light.  

The maître d' nods with recognition once he hears her name and checks that she’s on the list, "Back in the private dining room" he offers with a kind smile, " You can follow me this way, Ms. Williams" 

Hayley pushes her small evening bag further up her shoulder at that and walks obediently behind the man half the length of the bar, green eyes adjusting to the darkness, until she catches the bartender watching her as she moves around the space. 

He's cute, and most definitely a much better idea than what has being going through her head for the past few months, so before she can’t over think it, the blonde calls out ahead to the maître d' "Sorry, excuse me” She states moving her hand to get attention of the man leading her through, "Could you point me to where I need to go? I'm going to get a drink to take in first if that's okay" 

"Just there" he tells her with a nod and points to the doorway at the back, next to the kitchen pass, "The curtain on the right. You have a good night Ms." 

Thanking him one last time, she watches as he walks back to his station by the front door, just as Hayley takes a detour to the bar and rests her hands on the cool wood once she reaches it. They've stuck the pages together of old classic poetry books for the drink menus, and though there’s a wide range of signature cocktails, Hayley will be ordering his usual, so the blonde doesn’t pay much attention to the beverage options as she flips through Pablo Neruda love poems, one in particular, really catching her eye. 

The bartender moves to stand in front of her with gleam in his eyes and flirtatious smirk on his face then and it brings her back to the present rather quickly, "Pretty good read, that one. You have to order a drink though; this isn't a library" 

She laughs a bit forcefully at the teasing cause now that he is making a move her previous confidence has gone out the window, and she realizes how stupid it would be reciprocating his playful tone when she’s already in such deep shit with her feelings but when she gets too caught up in her inner turmoil, the handome blonde gives her a softer smile, flipping a napkin up onto the bar in front of her, "What can I make for you?"  

"I'll have two whiskeys please, one neat, one on the rocks” She finally answers leaning forward onto her elbows attentively watching as he pulls up a second napkin and then two crystal, lowball glasses and very thankful for the save. "They're pretty" She comments without thinking, the small talk a copying mechanism to ease the nervous energy she’s been feeling since she left her house forty minutes ago and one Hayley hopes will tone down with the help of the alcohol. 

"It's all about the glass" the young guy confirms quickly dropping the ice cubes into the right glass and then turning slightly to grab the bottle from the top shelf behind, green eyes focused on the way the strong spicy and smoky scent of the drink fills the space around, as he speaks again "I'm David, by the way " 

"Hayley" She offers, throwing a brief smile his way but not much more.

David pauses for a second and gives a smug look that she's seen one too many time now, one that sadly does nothing for her other than build more resentment. "I know, big fan over here. Trying really hard not to embarrass myself right now" Hayley lets out a genuine laugh at the sincerity though, and nods at him politely as he goes back to making the drinks.

She’s stalling.

Knows that when she walks through the curtain in the back, keeping her respectful distance from the Birthday boy will be a monumental task; knows his brown eyes will follow her around like she’s the only one in the room as soon as she crosses the doorway and also knows that their greeting will be watched with hopeful eyes by all their friends that have the best intentions but no subtlety at all, so perhaps this small moment to herself is very much needed.  

If Hayley’s honest, the last thing she wants is to have to share him for the night.

She’d love nothing more than to have a more low-key celebration, one she knows he would enjoy and prefer just as much but as of now with their unamed sitiation, they’re stuck to pretending, none brave enough to make another move in their chess game, not when is getting so close to check mate, on either side. 

So that's why she's wearing a slightly more revealing outfit than a winter night dress code would call for, because yes the knitted dress is new, and she feels really good wearing it, feels like something that adds a little more, adds to the flirty air that takes over her at the though of how speacial it is to be out celebrating Taylor’s birthday in a cheeky ensemble, one that his eyes will surely appreciate very much.

She’s managed to fluke getting her hair and makeup just right without Brian’s help, and yes, her legs do look fantastic in these tights with the short hem skirt of the dress, thank you very much, so for now she won't let her nerves take that away.

"Here you go" David says bringing the blonde’s attention back to him. She can smell the smoky scent in front of her, and the crystal glass deflects the light from the candles in a mesmerazing way, "Can I put this on a tab for you? You're with the birthday?" 

"I'll pay" she tells him, already digging for her card and holding it out to him.  

"Oi!" The sound of the very familiar voice calling out from the far end of the bar has the hairs on the back of her neck standing up and she shivers, "What're you paying' for? What's she— don't take her money! " 

Hayley keeps her arm out steadily to David and raises her eyebrows at him in challenge completely ignoring the call out with a grin, "Take it" she urges him quickly, feeling the bartender pluck the card from her fingers just as she turns towards the voice she knows so well.  

That familiar musky cologne hits her nose just as Taylor hurries up and deposits himself heavily against the bar, right up in her personal space. His broad frame blocks out the room to her, cause the way he's lit softly in the dim light makes him look so radiant and inviting. He's got his crazy eyes, all accusing and slightly annoyed, eyebrows pinched together, and yet, he looks good, so good . Happy. Rested. Pleased to see her.  

It’s his birthday, of course he’s pleased to see everyone, she tells herself to calm the loud beating of her heart.

Hold it together.  

Taylor wastes no time pulling her into his chest for a hug almost as if he’d been waiting patiently for this. Her cheek presses just below his heart, and Hayley can hear the way it goes crazy inside his chest, a small smile playing on her lips at how mutual the feeling is. The material of his T-shirt is soft and smells clean, it’s a tight squeeze and she does her very best to resist reading into it. Is it healthy for there to be so much comfort in a simple hug? Is her whole body allowed to tingle and fizz from the embrace of a friend? is it pathetic to have been carrying around in her ribcage all these feelings for far Too long? 

Affirmative. Without a doubt. Yes.  

She’s not seen him since Wednesday the week before, when they’d gotten a coffee together and then walked Alf in light conversation, the very uneventful afternoon so comforting and sweet, all Hayley wanted was more. 

"Thank god you are here" Taylor says as he pulls away, all crinkled eyes and broad smile “Been waiting for you all evening” he tells her in a spur of sincerity, that does a poor job of masking how her grin has launched his heart into space. He thinks the tiny blonde looks fucking gorgeous tonight (as she does every night) and knowing she's done her hair, and eyeliner, and picked that dress to come out and celebrate his birthday … It sends a jolt of desire through him, the feeling inside building and building.  

Tell her, you idiot. Twenty-eight could be the year.  

"Hi" Hayley chirps at him happily and picks up one of the glasses in front of her, "I got you a drink, birthday boy" 

Taylor watches her fondly and then dramatically looks off to the side, letting out a little huff, "You really think I wouldn't have one here for you waiting already?" 

“Just say thank you” She scolds playfully, laughing when he humors her taking the glass from her and deliberately sniffing it as if he's not sure what's inside or if he'll like it. 

“Thank you Hayles” 

She smacks his arm lightly at the show and picks up her own glass, chinking it to the side of his and watching him over the rim as they both take their first sips. The familiar taste and view fills her tummy with gurgling happiness that sits high in her chest. He's dressed almost exactly how she'd expected him to be, all black, skinny jeans and a fitted short sleeved shirt that lets her eyes wander to his tattooed arms. 

"Fucking delicious" he rumbles slowly, bringing her back to her drink, "Just the way I like it" 

"Happy birthday, T" Hayley tell him sweetly, thankful for what's likely to be the only quiet moment just their, all night, "So grateful for you today and always, hope you know that" 

"Stop it" he waves her off embarrassed, "Your gonna make me blush" 

She means it. Hayley’s beyond proud of him, always telling people of all the work he did on the new album, how he produced and wrote and quite frankly saved her life in the process, and still, words would never be enough to express how much he really means to her, but tonight she tries. 

"Take the compliment and smile, ok?” 

“Ok” Taylor answers shaking his head with a cheeky glint in his eyes that is under all his shyness, arms stretching out to pull her close again "I'm glad you're here tonight" he tells her genuinely, fingers reaching out to brush her bangs away from her eyebrow briefly, the gentle touch making the room spin around her.  

"Wouldn't miss it for the world" she coos, automatically sending her own fingers up to where Taylor’s had just been to reposition her freshly cut bangs, "Thanks, the wind outside was brutal" 

"I really like the pale blonde" he confesses quietly, eyes running over her whole face watching her in a tender gaze "I mean, I loved how it used to be … But I like this a lot, suits you and feels very Hayley"  

Shit...  

He’s two minutes into this night and already failing to adhere to the strict series of pep talks he's given himself over the last couple of days about how to go about seeing her again after that little lingering moment outside his house a week ago. He's babbling nonsense and has probably just made her think he's not liked how she’s had her hair for the previous fifteen years when is the furthers thing from the truth cause he’s loved her in any look and color she's ever been, has always admired the way hair is a form of expression for her; so is he buzzed from the drink or from the way Hayley’s cheeks have gone a little pink since he touched her? His compliment made her squirm, and all Taylor wants is to do it again and again until what he's feeling makes some sort of sense. 

"I guess it makes you softer" he mumbles through another sip of his drink, a teasing glint appears in his eyes as he continues, "like a glimpse of a younger version of you somehow, one that is just Hayley, as opposed to Hayley from Paramore" 

Her mouth opens to protest the statement but her come back dies on her lips when he lets out a single laugh at her furrow brows "There’s nothing wrong with being Hayley from Paramore, is just not everything that you are Hayles, and I like that you are discovering that more and more" 

She smiles gently at the meaning behind the words "I like it too" she muses to herself, looking up at the ceiling remembering how blonde has made her feel more like herself than anything haS in a long time, even if it was a quite the sad change when it happened and when she turns to him, Taylor’s already staring at her with a questioning look on his face, same one that he gets when he’s trying to guess what she’s thinking so she just gives him a soft nod, to let him know is all ok, "Spaced out a bit, sorry" 

"I've missed you my little weirdo, week's been so long without you" he tells her grinning at her affectionately, angling a little closer and levelling his head down to Hayley’s as he bites his lip and frowns, "Are you doing alright though? haven’t heard much from you" 

She lets out a little sigh averting her eyes to where David, the bartender, is busy making trays of drinks for different tables to mull over the answer, and her favorite curly haired man observes her carefully, a twinge of guilt forming in the pit of her stomach for causing the distress on her face, but also for not having asked the question a week ago. 

"I'm fine" She tries with a smile out, pulling her lips up higher when she knows Taylor’s not buying it “It’s been a long week. Missed you too” 

A small, white lie.  

Not entirely untrue. 

Each night worse than the other after what almost happened. 

What they didn’t let happen. 

One step forward, then two steps back... Wash, rinse, repeat.  

For every fairytale untrue
And all the hearts yet to be broken
For every bird who never flew
Well, it's a wonder we keep going without you

" Well," Taylor swallows, reaching out for her arm to make sure she looks at him, "You look beautiful tonight. And it's my birthday, so I say we don’t have to miss each other anymore, c’mon the guys are waiting for you" 

Hayley gives him a soft hum in response one that barely covers the loud beating of her heart, cause just as she’s about to say something she really shouldn't like get into details of how she’s dreamt of him every single night this week, they both catch the movement of Zac appearing from the doorway behind Taylor and then approaching his other two bandmates. 

"There you two are!" He says hugging them both tightly and letting Hayley know her little brother is already halfway to tipsy "Took you long enough H! birthday boy here has been looking like a lost puppy for the past hour" 

“For fucks sakes, is barely eight and you are already pissed” Taylor chuckles making her laugh too even as both of their cheeks flush bright red from the call out, she holds up her drink and swallows the remains in one go and as the three of them head inside, the tiny blonde tries hard not to dwell much on the way his arm winds around her waist to pull her in front of him as they follow Zac back to their group of friends. 

Truth be told, her brain has short-circuited both from the way Taylor seems so calm and collect after how they’d nearly fucked it up a week ago, and the palm resting on the small of her back, that he's not moved and is now drawing small soothing circles on her hip, blurring all of her sense even worse than the alcohol ever could. 

Friendly touches aren't strange between them, but this lingering, comforting hand is burning a hole in skin tonight. There’s been a raise in those, a raise in their intimacy and somehow, he is setting all her nerves on fire with his gentle teasing fingers, so Hayley tilts her weight onto her other foot to pull back from him slightly and salvage some remain of sanity, but Taylor’s hand travels with her. "We should go back, I might use the bathroom first though, is it that way?"  

The curly haired man watches with interest as she points in the direction of the bathroom, noticing how flustered she’s gotten, and he really wishes he could tell Zac to fuck off without having to be interrogate about it, so maybe they could just take another few minutes together away from prying eyes but know it won't happend in any world so he settles for staring at her with full longing when she takes the final drag from her drink and puts the glass down on top of the bar.

"Thanks David, it was delicious" Hayley tells the bartender catching his attention, throwing him a beaming grin, that has Taylor’s gut twisting when the guy's features light up at being called on by her. Envy rumbles inside him, he recognizes the dumb smile and dopey nod of barman David's head at being her sole center of attention, has felt it a hundred times himself when he's been on the receiving end of her quirky humor and stunning green eyes. 

Feels awful to watch it happen from a far.   

The tiny blonde walks away monumentally unaware of all that’s transpiring inside his brain, and Taylor can feel Zac’s accusatory eyes even before he turns back to him, "The dress looks really nice right?" he comments, trying to get a rise out of his curly best friend, reading the room perfectly.  

"Fuck you" Taylor grunts back but the little smile doesn’t leave his face and is enough of an answer for Zac at least for now.  

Xxxx 

They sit opposite each other at the long table in the private dining room.  

Hayley nurses a glass of rosé and eats the food slowly, savoring it. She’d deliberated over the menu for a long time before settling on what to order and unsurprisingly, her sweet partner in crime goes off her recommendations, even if he spends most of the night talking to everyone else, knowing deep down that if he started talking to Hayley right now, he'd just get lost in her, which is both rude for a birthday party and bound to be too conspicuous.  

His favorite blonde inserts herself into a conversation with Brian sitting next to her and pretends she’s good at listening to anything he’s so passionately talking about but in reality it’s all more of a monologue than anything else and the curly haired man watches her out the corner of his eye the whole time.

She’s shrugged off her jacket, and he recognizes the gold necklace dangling around the collar of her dress, sitting over the black fabric on her chest. He's pretty sure it was a gift from his mom a few years ago, one he’s seen her wear before but now holds a lot more meaning somehow and Taylor makes a mental note to get Hayley something that compliments it for her birthday coming up.

She’s chatting half heartly with Joey now and he can’t stop watching the way her lips turn up every time something funny is said, the small interaction making him feel warm and giddy for some reason. 

He’s so Fucked.  

"T?" 

"Hmm?" His head snaps back around to the person next to him, thoughts still on the tiny blonde sitting across the table as he agrees with whatever was said and does his best to catch up.  

Xxxx 

A few hours later, to no one’s surprise, is Zac who first mentions the idea of kicking on. 

It's after dessert and after everyone has sung quite the cheesy rendition of happy birthday to Taylor over a round of espresso martinis and Hayley’s starting to think that if she leaves now (halfway to very very tipsy), she’s still fine to avoid saying something stupid to the wrong (right) person.  

Taylor’s face lights up at the suggestion to move the party to their usual bar though, and he looks around the room, eager at the idea of going for another round of drinks with his favorite people. He's not been out in Nashville for the longest time, and he's happily buzzed enough to not be too worried about how many people there will be inside their small, preferred dive bar, feels just so happy to be home and sharing another year with all his most trusted people that the idea of ending the night so soon doesn’t appeal to him at all. 

"Yeah, let me sort out the tab and then we're good to go" He answers, pushing his seat back from the table and standing up, hands already hunting his pockets for his wallet and phone, "I'll be right back" 

When he’s out of sight, Hayley decides now's as good a time as any to split and she’s managed to brush aside the pouts of both Zac and Joey with a graceful lie about been tired, her coat now around her shoulders as she says a drunken round of goodbyes to their friends. Brian gives her a pronounced roll of his eyes as if speaking to her with his thoughts, a less than subtle ‘you think he won’t noticed’ that Hayley avoids at all cost kissing his cheek quickly before moving to the main area of the restaurant hoping to catch Taylor alone one last time to say her bye. 

The curly haired man is still leaning against the front desk, chatting to the maître d' from earlier when he feels Hayley’s small hand land on his back and he jolts upright at the contact, her gentle voice calling his name softly, "T, I'm going to head home" 

He spins around fast when the words hit him and the tiny blonde catches the fall of his face inmediatly. "What? No … No. You're the one I want to hang out with the most" he confesses, bottom lip juts out and his brows furrow in something very close to a little kid’s tantrum "Hayles..."  

"Thanks, a fucking lot, T " They hear Zac and Joey’s voices laughing at their back making them chuckle as Taylor lets them slip behind the two of them and out into the chilly air, not before he flips them the bird. 

Hayley’s pushed closer into his chest as they jolt past, and he steadies her with his arms latched onto her forearms, still watching outside, she watches distractedly how a cigarette lighter flares-up on the footpath ending on an orange butt glowing spectacularly in the night, but when she glances back at him, Taylor’s not looking happy. 

"Don't pout" She tells him lightly, reaching up to press the skin taut between his eyes smooth again, "Can't wrinkle that pretty face of yours" 

His face lights up at the teasing, skin heating where it’s made contact with Hayley’s, "You can't go yet” 

"T " she counters poorly, and, at a crossroad, features tangled into something like a grimace, "You'll have a better time without me. I'm really tired and will probably fall asleep on you as soon as we get there, been up since seven this morning" 

“Hayles" he pleads with puppy eyes that melt her completely "Please come" 

She makes out like she’s stomping her foot in defiance, and the bright smile he gives her lights up even the darkest of her thoughts " Fine " 

"Yes!" The curly haired man cheers under his breath, shrugging his jacket up over his shoulders and saying a final round of thank Yous to the staff. When they're out on the street, the guys are already heading in the direction of their usual bar with them trailing a little bit behind. In their own little bubble, Taylor places a hand on her shoulder as they start to walk and then leans down to Hayley’s ear, with a low voice that sends a shiver down her spine. "I just have one condition for you coming” he mentions with a cheeky grin as she pulls back to look at him with raised brows. 

"I don't think you get conditions when you've begged me to be here, T" 

"A birthday condition then" he edits, pressing his lips together and smiling at her with his charming brown eyes, "You have to promise to do what I say before I ask it, though" 

Hayley narrows your eyes at him, "I suppose you only turn twenty-eight once. You can have a single wish from me" She offers making him laugh before his fingers go under the strap of her evening bag in one swift move. 

"Give me this." 

She briefly thinks he means to carry it for her, which is a strange thing for Taylor to request, but then he unzips it in front of her and starts rifling around inside it, slipping her phone under his arm so he can move around the lipstick and tissues and emergency granola bar to eventually pull out her small purse.  

"T! What are you— 

—Ah, ah!" He holds it all away from her and reminds Hayley of the promise. "This is mine for the night," he says, slipping the purse into his coat pocket. "Otherwise, you'll end up buying too many rounds" 

The tiny blonde tries very unsuccessfully to sneak her small hand into the pocket of his jacket blindly going after her wallet, "Don't be stupid. It's your birthday, I'll buy every round if I want to" 

"Exactly my point" he remarks stepping away from her down the street, as she struggles with her little legs to be back at his side. He's stolen her money and granola bar, yet Hayley is so entrance about how charming it all was, her cheeks have turned a lovely shade of pink. 

"Taylor! give it back " 

"Nope" he refuses popping the 'p' and handing her back the bag, the granola bar hanging from between his teeth, still in the packet, "You promised. Now hurry up and walk, and I might give you a bite of this. I'm freezing my balls off" 

So that's how she ends up in the next bar, handbag a little lighter and body squished into Taylor’s side with a pleasantly sour cocktail he paid for. The booth is so far into the back wall the tiny blonde is not even really sure which direction the front door is anymore. Somehow, they’ve managed to sit ten people around a booth probably designed for six, but nobody seems to be bothered.  

Her whole right side is on fire, though.  

She can feel him from the top of her shoulder all the way to her ankle and is driving her completely and absolutely mad. His hip sits neatly next to hers, his left elbow resting just above Hayley’s right thigh, and her knees press together every time he gets excited when he speaks and unintentionally opens his legs up. If Taylor is bothered by it there's no way she’d know, he's hardly looked at her since they all sat down, much less uttered a word of discomfort about the seating arrangements.  

The whole thing makes no sense really, when he seemed so desperate for her to stay out with them. 

(Next to Hayley though, Taylor feels like he’s high most of the time, he's flashing in and out of the conversations around him. Because he can smell her perfume, the bergamot notes one he could recognize anywhere, same one that lingers on his clothes when he’s got her like this, all warm and snug beside him. The curly haired man feels completely insane. But he also feels inflated with a heart-crushing joy at having her so close. He's trying his best not to draw attention to it or to Hayley because what he's always liked most about their friendship is that most times, she’s just his, their little bubble only big enough to evolve them both and God, tonight is suffocating, cause each breath as he's touching her is like a crack of electricity through his chest that aches beautifully. Nobody else feels like this. Even when he's dated, what he's felt with them can't hold a candle to what it feels with her ) 

The tiny blonde sips her drink and laughs at the embarrassing story that's being told by Zac though, all calm and oblivious to his torment, oblivious to how Taylor feels her forearm brush his leg and has the overwhelming desire to deposit his palm on her thigh and keep it there, probably forever.  

Everyone around the table laughs at the punch line but when he peeks at her to make sure his longing is still unnoticed, she makes sure to let him know that’s not the case, a smile flaring on her lips as if she were too, hoping and wishing and thinking all those same thoughts.  

"You've got your thinky eyes on" he notes pivoting his whole body towards her, hips twisted in an entirely uncomfortable looking position. Taylor’s got his resting elbow on the table right next to where Hayley’s hand holds her drink, and he's looking down at her with careful eyes but asks anyway, knows this isn’t all in his mind "Where are you?" 

"The pool a dozen summers ago" She answers easily, pursing her lips together and running a knuckle along her hairline to distract herself "Thinking about your, burn incident and the trashy orangy tips of your hair. Guess birthdays make me nostalgic" 

Taylor’s face explodes in a grin at the memory of one free afternoon year ago, hair dye and bad decions mixed with chlorine tha now have his eyes rolling up to the ceiling before they capture her green ones again, "For fuck's sake, you're never going to stop bringing that up, are you?" 

"You were a horrible blonde" She remarks quickly, "It was categorically wrong of you to let me try the new hair dyes on your precious curls even if mine are way better quiality" Hayley giggles in tipsy happiness that feels contagious. 

"Categorically " he mimics childishly "Alright, guess I should cut you off now, you’ve gone and stared throwing all the big words you research to still get last place on scrabble " 

She brings her glass up to her lips offended "I got myself a new very heavy dictionary, so you are about to be last" Hayley deadpans and Taylor goes to reply but holds back, something heated travelling across his eyes as he watches her lick her lips after taking another sip of the drink. He's leaning a little closer than he might usually when everyone is watching them so carefully awaiting a slip up, and despite the fact he's a few drinks in all she can smell is his musky scent and clean clothes and it starting to make the little blonde quite dizzy, his eyes intense as if he’s just about to ask something when the curls get hit by a coaster. 

"Hey" he cries out, pulling back from Hayley, frowning around at the group trying to figure out who the culprit is, "I'm the fucking birthday boy, give me some respect" 

Their moment is gone and her heart sinks in realization of how much of a close call it really was, something they both seem to notice as Taylor slides out of the booth shaking his head and asking who else wants a new drink, thinking that a trip to the bar might help him clear his mind. 

"Hayles?" her name is delicate on his lips, and it makes her want to cry thinking how much he wants to hear him say it over and over. Why is it so easy for her brain to make things feel like they mean more with him?  

She fakes a big smile his way and shakes her head no, "I'm good, thanks" 

"You sure?" 

"Positive" Hayley nods, feeling her cheeks burn as everyone watches the exchange with gentle hopeful eyes.  

"Okay" Taylor says and taps the table with the corner of his phone, "I'll be right back" 

It’s her cue to sneak off to the bathroom, happy to see he’s beaten her back from the bar when she returns, now calmly sitting in her previous spot, deep in conversation with Logan about some new gear he’s gotten and she debates for a while inside her brain, before tentatively slipping in next to him, careful not to touch him this time. Taylor’s got his hand casually resting on the table, turning her glass forty-five degrees one way and then back the other way as he speaks. She thinks about reaching over and pulling it out of his hand gently, but they seem to be in deep conversation, so she doesn’t, hands itching to check her phone or fidget to stop herself from touching him. 

It's a delicious whiff of her perfume behind him that turns Taylor’s head and his face breaks into a lovesick smile when he confirms she’s back from the bathroom, Logan rolls his eyes playfully when the curly haired man forgets about him and the conversation altogether, his whole focus on Hayley as he pushes her drink over and gives her a smile, taking note of the fresh layer of lipstick and messy oomph to her hair that perfectly shows off her freshly cut bangs.  

Stunning, he thinks, as always.  

"The pale blonde hair really does look beautiful on you" Taylor tells her in a drunken surge of honest that has loosen his thoughts and tongue, the bar stilling around them as his face becomes all the world the is for her at that moment, "Next time, don't wait for a dickhead to break your heart before doing something to make yourself feel like yourself" 

She swallows down the thickness in her throat but nods with slightly glossy eyes leaning her head on his shoulder for a second if just to indulge in the soothing calming effect of his voice. "Thanks, T" 

Xxxx

Walking to the next bar, Taylor can't stop himself from asking.  

"What happened?" 

She kicks her foot out as they wait at a set of traffic lights, half the group ran to cross, but Hayley, Taylor, Docky and Brian were too slow, "What happened with what?" 

Taylor watches his breath fan out in front of his face and nearly regrets it, but the itch has been there for a long time and perhaps the alcohol does make you braver? "With you know who the other day. You said Alf won’t be going back to his, but then never said more" 

She turns to look up at him in discomfort, hands tucked into her coat pockets to stop herself from fidgeting, "Is really not worth telling” Hayley says starting strong but then shrugs one shoulder as she thinks about it. It's safe to cross so they wait until they’re stepping up over the gutter and onto the opposite footpath before she continues, "Probably a lot of little things but … Always felt like he thought I just throwing a tantrum with the divorce, and I guess I got tired of putting up with him, with his diminish comments and mind tricks, I just don’t want anything to do with him anymore"  

The way her voice drops kills him; he's not detecting self-deprecation but something that feels far worse like surrender or acceptance or acknowledgement, a bit of shame for confessing some truth that should have been obvious.  

"Hayles" Taylor says stopping his walk and halting her as well, letting the guys walk around and out in front of them, "Just so you know, he’s not worth a second of your heartache; never was"  

"It's not necessarily about him now though" She starts, and Taylor can hear the thick emotion in her voice as she lets him in on a little secret. "It's about the idea. The disappointment is more about not getting the happy ending you know, not finding my person. Not getting the whole package everyone else seems to have found and that never seems to be for me. I know marrying him wasn’t right, truth be told by the end I don’t even think I liked him very much either—doesn’t stop me from being sad that I gave it my all to something that was completely doomed from the start, you know? Something I could see from miles away that it was so absolutely wrong for me" 

"A happy ending sounds nice” Taylor muses with a sadden smile of his own, eyes out front where the rest of the group are all stopped waiting at another set of traffic lights.  

They're laughing and chatting loudly to other people on nights out and hanging off street poles to get funny pictures but neither wants to catch up to them, not when the two bandmates are in the middle of this conversation that's making their heart race and heal somehow, so they take smaller steps. 

"Yeah" she breathes out, almost sounding ashamed of herself, for wanting it so bad "Don't seem to be looking in the right places, though" 

Look over here, Taylor thinks with a blooming hope. 

“What about you?" She asks, turning it back on him, "Got your eye on anyone at the moment?" 

She hopes he says yes, hopes he’s feeling the same loud beating in his chest each time they got one step closer and then died again before stopping themselves from going for it, night after night going home to end up in her bed, all alone. 

"Maybe" he says aloud not daring to look in her eyes and the tiny blonde thinks she sees something else there in his expression but knows she can't have it. Her mind is swirling, and she’s feeling a tingling sensation all over that she knows she shouldn't. It'll only leave her disappointed when they part ways tonight and don't see him for another few weeks until they are back on tour or out with friends and though the tiny bits of maybe mores and perhaps are dangerous things to cling on to now cause they'll all turn into Nothings very quickly, Hayley’s too far gone to stop them any longer. 

Taylor’s not stupid, he’s emotionally intelligent, and yet can’t let it go, can’t deny how he’s spent enough time dwelling on it to recognize that Hayley is firmly not Just a Friend. Has spent countless hours over the years thinking about her, lying to himself about how he's completely fine when she was dating someone else and then getting married. Has thought about an alternative life a parallel universe that haunts him late at night more often than not lately, the one where he stayed at school, and she stayed in school and then went to uni and got a regular job and maybe (definitely) ended up together.  

He's imagined that life with her more than once. More than a dozen times, if he's honest. For years now, Taylor’s bitten his tongue and smiled through the pain of not being able to have her like that. And sure, most of the time it's a dull ache, deep in the recess of his mind, that needs to be called on or conjured to really be felt, but it's always been there. He's always had an (Astronomical) Soft Spot for Hayley. Ever since that spring in 02 when she broke her arm falling off the back of the ramp at the skate park, and he first saw how she willed herself not to cry. At twelve he didn't know what the hollow but sharp pain through his heart was as he rushed to her side, but now he knows that was the first sign he didn't see her as just a friend. Would never again see her as just a friend.  

And now, here they are, endless heartaches and years later, hearing her talk about happy endings and he can’t help but think that with unwavering certainty that it could be them if they wanted, that if they just let go of all the outside noise for once, he’s certain a happy ending could be barely the start with Hayley, wants it so bad it hurts. 

But then it hits him like a ton of bricks on top of the ache on his heart.  

The sky still wakes up every morning
And sometimes feels the need to pour out
Everything it's tired of holding
But either way, it never comes down
It's gonna stay and find a way around the clouds

The tiny blonde has pulled out her phone and fallen behind, face pulled down as she types away furiously as he watches her out of the corner of his eye, half just to watch her and half to make sure she doesn't get separated entirely from the safety of the group. 

"Hayles" he calls out, unable to keep up with Zac’s story and unwilling to try to tune back into it. Hayley stops short, and annoyance flits across her face, but Taylor still turns to her, still crosses his arms over his chest and gives her best scolding look, "It's the oldest trick in the book" he provokes, Zac smirks behind him, and he ignores it. 

Her head slowly comes up and takes him in (also ignoring Zac), "What is?" 

"Falling behind so you can peek at my bum" 

She grins cheekily and points at the long jacket the curly haired man’s wearing that goes well pass it, "Can't see half of you under that thing, T"  

"Ah, ha!" He calls out, his pointer finger floating in the air right in front of the tiny blonde’s face, "So you've tried " 

She shoves his shoulder and steps around him, trying like anything to act neutrally. They've both aware that Zac’s still watching on, and though they all spent most of their waking hours together, it feels dangerous to have their friendship being quite so carefully observed, a little fact that’s only gotten worse as of late. She knows her face has gone red but acknowledging more than it being a joke could end really badly for everyone, so she abstains. 

As she walks away, boots clip up behind her, Taylor wastes no time heavily draping his arm right across her shoulders, pulling her into his side with an air of bad decisions that lingers. "Was just teasing" 

"I know" She responds quietly, her face cracking into a smile, “Is a good bum though, so don’t mind me checking it out from time to time" 

He should flirt back because she’s led him to a pretty easy window into a dirty joke, but something has Taylor hanging onto his regret, "I mean it, shouldn't tease you …Should be old enough to use my words, tell you what I think" 

By then Hayley’s got no idea what he's on about, "T, the teasing was fine, don’t sweat it. Where's this fucking bar though?" 

Up ahead, everyone's standing on the footpath in a clump and Taylor can feel the next words on his lips but has to hold them in when their friends turn and check that the two bandmates have finally caught up. They're waiting a few minutes for a table, Joey explains, then they'll be able to go in but all he can think about is how little he feels like another drink at another bar.  

A few of them walk away from the group to share cigarettes and Hayley’s standing a little bit away, under the sign for the butcher next-door kicking her foot back against the wall like the slight movement might warm her up drawing him in like a moth to the flame. 

As he steps up to Hayley, the curly haired man watches her get distracted by the group of people spilling out of the bar they’re all about to go into. He doesn't want to take advantage of knowing she was just as into it before they pulled the plug on their little moment last week, but at twenty-eight, Taylor also doesn't want to let this opportunity pass again.  

She’s always been dating someone, or he has, or there's some other reason not to, always a reason to hold back from it, too many reasons not to take the leap but for once, Taylor refuses to believe it’s the drinks he’s had that is nudging him into this, at most, it’s just given him the courage to go for what he’s always wanted, cause neither of them is drunk, he wouldn't even say he's tipsy anymore, just warm and contemplative, less inhibited than usual, and this is not an overnight thing. 

"Come here" he calls softly, the tips of his black vans landing right in front of her boots, their bodies a hand’s width apart. 

He wants her closer.  

"T—” 

The curly haired man opens up his jacket to her and when Hayley doesn’t move (Blonde brain too busy short-circuiting) he acts for her and winds his arm around her shoulder to encase her in the warmth, "Get in" Taylor says sternly with a hint of something tender, "You're shivering"  

She’s shocked by the contact, at him being so close and inviting her in and then just taking her in his jacket. Taylor’s wrapped the lapels around both their bodies and forced her against his chest, humming against her like is the most normal thing in the world all the while Hayley’s feeling incredibly awkward and stunted with her arms hitched up against her chest and pressed rigidly into his shoulders. 

He senses the hesitation and pulls back digging around for her wrists "You've gotta put them around me" he tells her stretching his arms behind his back and taking hers with them, instructing her to really settle against him.  

"There, that's better" Taylor says wrapping the jacket back around Hayley, and the two of them stand like that—hearts pressed together, scents converging and her whole frame shaking against his—for what seems like far too long for it mean nothing. Right? Her thoughts ricochet around inside his jacket only to go nowhere, solve absolutely nothing in her mind at all.  

Over her shoulder, he sees the rest of the group have gone into the bar and Taylor’s not surprised none of them called out, he's angled them both away from the door and with his head ducked down against her they probably (hopefully) missed them both there.  

It's Taylor’s twenty-eight birthday, and maybe that's made him sullen or introspective. Made him think about the passage of time and how another year has passed him by, yet here he stands in the same place as ever— wanting Hayley . Wishing for more, or waiting for a moment that feels right, or hoping something will happen. With growing older comes a sense of regret and an acceptance that twenty-seven has happened and anything he wanted to achieve by that age but didn't he never will. There's only the future. Only the things he can do. And the mix of all that with the cocktails has the curly haired man feeling as though he has to act on this tonight. Every birthday he thinks maybe by the next one the Somethings or the Maybes might have happened, and she won't be standing in front of him as just his friend.  

"Always had a thing for you" Taylor says cutting the silence, his chin resting against the crown of her head while his arms link around low on Hayley’s back, holding her against him, "I've always liked you more than I should" 

Oh god, the tiny blonde thinks, her chest freezing in place, I'm hallucinating.  

"What?" Now her heart is really racing. Or maybe it's completely stopped, seized up and fallen out of her chest onto the salt-covered footpath. 

His voice comes out evenly as he repeats himself, "Feels bigger than a crush, but I guess that's what it is … it's been there since we were kids"  

(Oh , how those words have been his best-kept secret for all these years but now, in less than two seconds, he's let go of them more easily than almost anything else he's ever done) 

"Hayles?"  

Taylor thought he'd be scared. Thought this would be a moment of panic. Every time he's imagined this he's thought ' and I'd be absolutely shitting myself because what if she doesn't feel the same way?' but now that he's said it, he's almost completely calm. The only reason he's worried is that he can feel how hard Hayley’s heart is beating—even through the layers of clothing—and surely that quickly can't be good for her health. 

The tiny blonde is speechless, and he leans back so he can see her face and, oh her eyes. Why on earth didn't he say it to her face, so he could be looking into her perfectly tender green eyes? Watch his words project across her expression and settle into her beautiful mind.  

She looks worried, and Taylor’s transported back to that time he had her on faceTime when they were worlds away as the curly haired man explained that yes, they had in fact won a grammy. She was nodding along and so excited for him but sure that in her case, he was talking about someone else, that this was just news and he'd called up to tell her something that was happening to him and not to them. 

He kind of loves watching the look on her face right now though, witnessing the cogs turning in her head and wheels spinning, furiously trying to figure out what this all means.  

Why isn't he terrified of what she’s about to say?  

"Why … but you've… and I've…"  

Hayley’s hands moved to his hips so she can see him properly, and Taylor’s encouraged by the fact she hasn’t pulled away or pushed him off her. the tiny blonde watches him with a puzzled look on her face and a burning heat across her cheeks so he brings his forearms up to rest on her shoulders and smiles kindly at her, "I was never brave enough to act on it before … Guess I didn't want to fuck it up. I didn't want it to not work out. Couldn't stand you becoming an ex even hypothetically" 

"I..." 

"Yeah." 

"Fuck." She doesn’t seem capable of more than one word at a time and it’s adorable. 

"You feel bad for yelling at me about the granola bar now, don't you?" Taylor narrows his eyes playfully. 

That does it. 

Green eyes snapping back up to his face from being fixated on staring at his neck, "Granola bar … No, what the fuck, T! " 

Taylor laughs. A real laugh that comes from the base of his tummy and squeezes his eyes shut and crinkles his nose. His head falls back, and it's a deep, uninhibited laugh, "Don't stomp your new boots at me, Hayles" he eventually says, crooking his head down to be almost pressing his forehead against hers. "You've been my favorite person for years; I've always been a little bit of a cowardly idiot who didn't want to wreck our friendship" 

"Oh, and now you don't mind wrecking it?" She barks back sarcastically, unsure why she’s angry at him but she is.  

"No" Taylor counters softly, moving through her emotional responses seamlessly, "I don't think it's going to wreck it, do you? Think twenty-eight has finally given me the balls to pursue it. To tell you how I feel. How I've always felt" 

Hayley’s eyes instantly ball with hot tears she wasn't prepared for, relief, fear, contentment? "You're an idiot" 

"I am" he agrees readily, fingers playing with the ends of her blonde hair so so softly. 

"Why are you telling me this now" her voice is small, unsure and it tugs on his heart making him frown. 

Now he's starting to panic. 

"Do you … Do you not feel the same? Or do you not think maybe you could?" 

Oh, if only he could have been in her head every time she saw him these last few months. Heard her talk herself down and away from anything more than platonic, from any thoughts that might elevate her in his eyes. Hayley has spent all this time trying to convince herself to believe she’s nothing more than a friend to him, and now this.  

"Taylor, are you sure you— 

—I'm sure," he insists quickly. 

"I just— 

—I'm sure." 

The tiny blonde is suddenly very embarrassed by the conversation the two of them had earlier about her ex-husband. The conversation where she’d basically told him she's incredibly desperate to find a love story that doesn’t end up in flames or tears or heartache, and though most of the time is the other way around, in this moment, he's so achingly cool it’s not even funny, and all she feels is like a little tinned tomato, thin-skinned and persistently flustered. 

Tinned tomato? Really? she berates herself, Case in fucking point.  

"Hayles"  

She scratches roughly at her forehead and grimace at whatever thoughts are going through her mind, "I'm just …" 

Taylor brings one hand up to fix her bangs, carefully sweeping the hair back across her forehead evenly, letting the pads of his fingers dust over her skin and all the air leaves her lungs right there. "I think if you didn't feel the same, you'd have said no by now" 

"T, you've just always …" 

"I've always?" 

"I never thought …" 

The smile comes up over his face gently, "It's me, Hayles, please finish a sentence. I'd really like to kiss you, but you haven't yet said anything to imply you'd be open to that …" 

She pulls her lips together like a reflex, can't help it, has rarely let herself fall that deep into imaging things with him, but her body reacts to his words in an instant, "Promise you're not kidding …" 

"I promise I'm not kidding" Taylor says sincerely. "I'd never kid around about this" 

Hayley believes him, and ten seconds of bravery comes over her, so she holds on to it, sharing as well. "I was thirteen" 

His eyes narrow slightly, trying to figure out what she means and the tiny blonde grins at his clueless face, "Thirteen?" 

"My thing for you" She continues quietly, heart racing as adrenaline swamps her legs, "Started the summer you would constantly ask me what I was listening to and then stayed quiet just sharing the silence with me for hours. Took me a long time to come to terms with it, but it's always been there. " 

Taylor hears the slight shaking to her voice and almost misses what she’s said, but then it hits him.  

"Oh yeah?" He squints at Hayley and pulls up his nose with a smile, a secret little smile that will never belong to anyone but the two of them. The smile that happens just before Taylor leans down and kisses her for the first time , presses his warm lips against her cold ones and really breathes her in.  

He holds it like that for a moment, their lips touching but not moving. Then his hands come up to cup her face, and Taylor moves his mouth to one side, just a touch. She opens up to him, and he has the brief thought that this is probably the most Important Kiss of His Life. His insides curl in on themselves as he gets completely lost in her. Completely lost in how perfect this moment feels and how much finally kissing Hayley feels like a relief.  

She can't believe this is happening. The tiny blonde is still tucked into Taylor’s coat warm and safe but now they are joined at the mouth, and he’s a really really good kisser. He's got his thumbs pressed into her cheeks and his fingers laced through the hair around her ears. When his tongue first licks her bottom lip and then goes searching for hers, Hayley doesn’t think she’s felt herself flicker on so quickly. A soft moan escapes her lips, and the kiss somehow becomes harder, his nose bumping hers where he'd been good at keeping things smooth until then. As quickly as it intensifies though, the curly haired man takes a slight step back and drags his mouth away from hers. 

"Hayles” he breathes out slowly, sealing her lips with one of his thumbs as he pulls back taking stock of her face (hopefully) getting used to being this close to Hayley, noting the way her eyelashes kink out at an odd angle right at the corner of her eye, and the freckle that's so close to the edge of her mouth he's never noticed it before. He can feel her heart has slowed down, and the expression on her face right now is content, but curious. He's also sure he can see fear under it all, and it’s not completely unjustified, after all this is not the simplest of situations, yet nothing could stop him now that he knows how she tastes. 

"Well" Hayley’s voice shakes, because Taylor’s looking at her like she’s only dreamed and now that she’s here the tiny blonde is not really sure what happens next.  

She’s kissed Taylor  

The curly haired man clears his throat lightly and his hands both fall to hold either side of her neck in a silent plea that matches perfectly what she’s feeling. 

 "There's no way I'm going back to not being able to do that whenever I want" he says with a cheeky glint on his eyes and then kisses her again, as Hayley feels herself melt against him, small arms linking around his waist, clutching the back of his shirt between her fingers letting Taylor lead the kiss with a hand on her neck and the other holding her chin carefully, lips insisting, hungry and exploring and a little bit desperate (perhaps a lot desperate) to have more of each other. 

But then his phone rings in his jean pocket, right against her hip, and she jumps away in surprise.  

"Shit" Taylor mutters, pulling the stupid machine out, cursing the universe, "Sorry … It's Zac" he tells her with an eyeroll. 

And then she’s back to reality. her drinks have all worn off, her feet ache, her ears are freezing, and she's just made out with one of her oldest, best friends. Shit . 

"Oh" Hayley takes a hearty step back, hands slipping out from Taylor’s jacket and her body braces the full brunt of the cold night, "Yeah … That's— 

—Zac" Taylor barks the name of his best friend down the phone while at the same time hooking his free arm around the back of her neck pulling her close again. He's not giving up touching her that easily, and he doesn't care, quite frankly, about giving her any room to start internalizing or retreating from him, "No, we've gone to get some food … I'll see you during the week sometime. Tell everyone thanks for— Yes , I'm serious … I... I'm hanging up now. bye"  

The tiny blonde listens in on the conversation because it was really all she could do. Zac was obviously inside the bar, and they were all wondering where the two of them had gone to. We've gone to get some food , Taylor told him, so they'd know he is with her but then again, she supposes he was hardly going to say, ' oh yeah we've been out the front making out' Bits and pieces of the other end of the conversation she was able to pick up on swim in her head, but she’s not heard enough to truly know what their friend said, either way, by the end of the call, her favorite curly haired man is smiling though, and is so beautiful and genuine, she can hear it in his voice.  

His nose finds the shell of her ear and Taylor leans into her without second thoughts, "Come back to mine, or we can go to yours … Watch a movie, play Scrabble, anything … Just wanna be with you" 

"It's two o'clock in the morning, Taylor"she murmurs, mind struggling to make sense of what's just happened. She's outside a club downtown held against his chest with lips that know what he tastes like and a body that's on fire.  

"I'm not tired" he shoots back, "Are you?" 

"Well, no but— 

—Great" Taylor turns towards the road with a cheeky glint in his eyes and takes a few steps to the curb (Hayley jogs along with him under his arm), as he flags down a black cab. "Mine or yours?"  

His question is simple, he prompts her to answer by calling her name as he opens the door for Hayley and gestures for the tiny blonde to hurry up and get in. 

"Yours" she says after what feels like an eternity but is no more than a few seconds, and the bright smile that splits his face at the words is one that she thinks she’ll never be able to forget. 

There was a bird who never flew

But she still kept all of her feathers
So she could pluck 'em out for you
And you could wear them in your hair and she'd be with you

---------------------------------------------------------

I don't wanna wait on you
But it's just what I keep doing
As if I got nothing to do
As if my life won't keep on going without you

The sky will wake up every morning
And sometimes feels the need to pour out
All the feelings it's been holding
But either way, it never comes down
It knows its place, it knows a way around the clouds
And their design

For every fairytale untrue
And all the hearts yet to be broken
For every bird who never flew
Well, it's a wonder we keep going without you

The sky still wakes up every morning
And sometimes feels the need to pour out
Everything it's tired of holding
But either way, it never comes down
It's gonna stay and find a way around the clouds

There was a bird who never flew

But she still kept all of her feathers
So she could pluck 'em out for you
And you could wear them in your hair and she'd be with you

Chapter 10: Wait on, part II

Summary:

"What?"
"I want you to have it, been saving it for you … If I ever got brave enough to confess"
The question falls from her lips before she can really think about it, "Why would you want me to have it T …"
Taylor waits to see if she figures it out, he thinks it’s pretty obvious really with the absolutely lovesick look he’s giving her in the picture, but she’s never been one to assume, and he knows that about her. So, when Hayley doesn’t keep talking, he confirms it for her, "That’s how long I've had feelings for you"

Notes:

hey guys hope you are all doing well, i'm not usually one to write follow ups but the next chapters have been taking a while to edit and someone asked what happened when they got home, so....
There you go,
Love Em x

Taylor's House, December 2017

Taylor doesn't speak much in the cab; Hayley figures it's about privacy. She hopes it's about privacy. The thirty-minute drive out of the city and to his place feels much longer. Halfway through he reaches over for her hand and gives her a reassuring smile across the back seat. The tiny blonde thought the journey might make her sleepy, that sitting down in a warm car would bring the haze over her eyes and bring the long day to a close in her mind. But she could never feel sleepy with Taylor's fingers playing with hers, or when he leans over and kisses her cheek for no reason at all.  

At his house, the curly haired man tells her to make herself at home while he turns on the kettle for a cup of tea. she kicks her shoes off in the hallway, and Hayley’s feet start throbbing in relief as she follows his retreating form. It's certainly not the lusty, hurried entry she imagined they might have. Which only plants doubt in her mind about what's actually going on between the two of them after the conversation outside the bar. 

"I'm just going to use the bathroom" she calls out, turning back to the stairs and taking herself up to Taylor’s second floor.  

Upstairs Hayley doesn’t take long. She’s looking a little worse for wear, who wouldn't at three am? but the tiny blonde is not really in the mood to try to fix herself now. Even if she did Taylor would notice, and that felt like something she wanted to avoid. As she walks back to the kitchen, she wriggles her toes in her socks and happens to look back down the upstairs hallway. She’s been in this house dozens of times before but this time feels different. It feels quiet and intimate somehow. Just as Hayley’s about to go down the first step, she sees that Taylor’s bedroom door is open on the opposite side of the stairs to the bathroom, and notices something that makes her stop. 

The Phoebe Bridgers record they’d talked about nonstop during the summer and the one she’d gifted to him after the European leg of tour is sitting on his bedside table. 

She’s standing over it before she realizes that her short legs have started moving, looking at a picture of Chris, Justin and Taylor, a bottle of water and the vinyl. Hayley picks it up, the cover a little worn and the edges cracked to where he's obviously loved it. Taylor's using the little card she’d added along with the gift as a space to take notes on the music and apparently, on one particular song, he's got a lot of thoughts. The top of the familiar design sticks out in dark black colored paper and she can't even really remember what she’d written inside. Something generic probably. Something that had taken hours to write so it would sound... platonic.  

'Happy end of summer, T! Have a wonderful time at home, sorry for always being late, promise I'll do better on tour two. Love, H. '

The floorboard at the top of the stairs creaks and she turns around to Taylor looking surprised to see her standing over his bed. He's got two cups of tea and a family-sized Dairy free chocolate bar under his arm. Something churns inside her, this was him as she'd always known him. Except now she looked at his lips and wondered why the hell they weren’t kissing.  

"Oh, yeah, I've been listening to that" Taylor sees the record in her hands and walks towards her, "It's excellent, unsurprisingly" 

A smile starts on her face, "You doubted my selection ability?" 

"Never" he returns quickly and then raises his eyebrows at her, "Looking for anything else?" 

The tiny blonde feels her cheeks heat and she drops the vinyl back into its place, "No, sorry, I was coming down the stairs and saw … I'm sorry" 

Taylor passes her a tea with a curious look, "It was really kind of you to gift me something. Was fun having something to unwrap on the last day" 

"I'm glad" She offers with smile and take a sip of the tea. It's bitter, and it makes her screw up her face, "This is yours" 

The curly haired man watches her with a strange expression on his face as the two bandmates swap mugs. He's worrying his bottom lip, obviously weighing something up in his mind. She sees it when he decides what he' going to do about it.  

"I've got something I want to show you" he tells her finally, tilting his head back to the door. "Wanna come, see?" 

"What is it?" Hayley asks automatically, but he’s already walking out the door, and she has to hurry to catch up. 

He leads them into his study, and Hayley hovers in the doorway as Taylor sets his tea and the chocolate down on the desk. He pulls Bananagrams out of the draw and places it next to the mug.  

"We're actually going to play Bananagrams?" She asks with a teasing smile. 

He looks back at her with a smirk, "You'd prefer actual Scrabble?" 

"I didn't know what you meant by—I guess I …" 

Realization dawns on his face, and he widens his eyes, "Oh, you thought it was my way of saying something else?" 

"No!" The tiny blonde snaps back quickly, feeling the heat rising to her cheeks (for the record, yes, she absolutely thought 'a movie or Scrabble' was a thinly veiled way of Taylor to suggest … something else), "No, I just … I just don't think I'll be able to spell words right now" 

"I didn't think you were still tipsy" he states, shit-stirring. 

"I'm not!" she squawks at him. "I'm… I' m, you kissed me!" 

He grins, loving the fact he's driven her a little crazy, "Yeah. Want me to do it again?" 

Taylor’s playing with her. He's teasing. And Hayley knows it but what she doesn’t know is how he's so confidently jumped to it. Not when the tiny blonde feels like she’s been left on the street outside the bar trying to figure out what the hell this means, and what's going to happen tomorrow when he stops looking at her like that. She doesn't like to think this whole night can go to shit rather quickly and that at some point one or both will regret it or back pedal, but there's a tripwire in her mind she can’t stop from  getting snared on. 

It's Taylor.  

"Come here" he says reaching his hand down across the room between them, "Come here and kiss me again Hayles, you don't seem to be getting it" 

"Getting it?" she's cut off by Taylor taking two big steps toward her and then planting his lips on hers again. 

His palms find her hips, and she holds him in the same spot. It takes a moment for the two bandmates to find a rhythm, and even then, Hayley’s in her head. She’s struggling to remember what little Taylor said about this whole thing outside the bar. She knows he said he had more than friendly feelings for her and is not secret that he was never too fond of her ex. But for all she knows Taylor's been kissing his mates like this for years but just never gotten around to kissing her. Maybe a crush isn't what it used to be. Or maybe— 

He pulls back from her lips with a huffy expression on his face, “Hayles" he says quietly, "I'm a man with an incredibly fragile ego, whatever you're worrying about is really getting in the way of kissing you" 

"I'm just— 

—Let me show you what I brought you in here for" he interrupts her, taking her hands and tugging her towards the window. Then, he puts a hand on each of her shoulders and directs Hayley’s attention to the wall.  

It's lined with record sale plaques, family pictures and tons of memories. Taylor watches her green eyes run over them all, a proud but unsure look in her eye. She’s not sure why they are staring at them and he knows that. He hopes this isn’t too weird, he's certainly not showing them to confuse her more. There's a sweeter gesture behind it. He points to one small frame leaning against the wall that holds a very nice and yet quite intimate looking picture from a few years back, one probably from when they were barely kids. He's got it resting on the side of his desk and Hayley is sure it wasn't there last time she was here.  

Stepping up closer behind her, Taylor rests his chin on her shoulder, "That one's actually yours" 

"What?" 

"I want you to have it, been saving it for you … If I ever got brave enough to confess" 

The question falls from her lips before she can really think about it, "Why would you want me to have it T …" 

Taylor waits to see if she figures it out, he thinks it’s pretty obvious really with the absolutely lovesick look he’s giving her in the picture, but she’s never been one to assume, and he knows that about her. So, when Hayley doesn’t keep talking, he confirms it for her, "That’s how long I've had feelings for you" 

Hayley just blinks, green eyes on the framed photo taking in the way an eleven year old curly haired kid watches her with so much tenderness it warms the whole scene and bounces off to her small frame as they both wear big happy grins on a summer day. 

That long?

She thinks about that day, and tries hard to remember what they were even laughing about, how even took the picture? How could she have been so oblivious, when it had always been so plainly there? 

"When … When was this?" 

"You mean where?" Taylor raises his head and steps to stand next to her, observing her face carefully. 

"No, I mean when ." Hayley repeats starring at it like the two younger versions of themselves might answer the question, "When did you start looking at me like that?"  

Taylor runs a hand over his head as he thinks of how to answer that, "Think it was a couple weeks into that spring, maybe a month after the baseball game where you and I met?… Didn't find it until this year though …" 

The curly haired man watches her face expand in surprise and then crumple back down to confusion. She really doesn't get it. He's not sure how to make her understand a lifetime of feelings in one night. He supposes he can't. So, he trails his hand up the back of Hayley’s arm and then around her back, tilting his head down and waiting to see if she'll pull away. When she doesn't, he kisses the corner of her mouth and then opens his wider to take her lips in his properly.  

It's different to the kisses outside the bar, now that they’re both out of their outer layers Taylor can feel Hayley’s body against his in ways he's only dreamed, and it's sending everything straight between his legs. His hands explore her back and the curve of her hips, thumbs almost reaching the underside of her breasts but not quite. It's a little awkward when he senses she’s felt him hardening between her. Usually, lust clouds that moment, and Taylor doesn't mind intimate partners being acutely aware of how they're affecting him. But with her he's a little hesitant, he senses the awkwardness on her side. Friends don't feel those body parts on each other, friends don't… He almost groans when her mouth leaves his without warning. 

She thinks he'll probably change his mind about all this come the morning. 

"Have you changed your mind?" She asks, not able to stop her mouth from revealing her deepest fears. 

Confusion colors his features, and his lips smack together, like he's savoring, tasting her, "Wha— 

"About wanting to do this, about wanting to be kissing me" She clarifies feeling so so small.  

"What? No." Taylor’s eyebrows shoot up, and he shakes his head, "I barely even started! Didn't I just confess I was a goner from the moment I met you?—why the hell would I..I..want to do so much more than just kiss you Hayles, how could think I'm gonna change my mind?" 

She shrugs hiding her face and avoiding his eyes as she speaks, "I... I thought that maybe. I don't know you could’ve thought better of it" 

"Well," he stands up straighter and pins her with his stare, "I haven’t. And I won’t. I promise I'm not going to change my mind. And I promise I'll never make you feel like you're asking for too much. Ever." 

"Now you're trying to make me cry" she says, an overwhelming emotion crushing her chest as she hears him repeat back to her the insecurity leftover from all the bad years with her ex. She’s half kidding with her words but also not. Believes him fully. Trusts him with all her heart.  

Taylor face sets in a grimace and he pulls her closer swaying their bodies together gently, "I really hate seeing you cry, could you not? I had other plans" 

Hayley sniffs through a laugh as her wraps his arms around her middle tighter," What plans are those?" 

"Well, I literally thought Scrabble" he tells her through a smile, trying his best to make her laugh, "But I'm open to whatever dirty things you were thinking as well" 

"You'll win Scrabble" 

So, Taylor instructs the tiny blonde to bring her tea and cold feet back into his bedroom. He gets her a fluffy pair of socks and tells her to take hers off, and the tights, so she can get comfortable on the bed with him and the block of chocolate. They’ve polished off a family size together before, the sugar going straight to their heads and always leading to a giggly night of reminiscing and almosts.  

This time though, she only gets halfway through the tea before Taylor pushes the chocolate off the bed onto the floor in favor of Hayley straddling his hips. It starts with a stolen kiss against her temple, and then another on her cheek, and one close to her lips, and then she captures his face in her hands and really kisses him. Within a few moments, Taylor’s dragging her over to him. His hands settle on the swell of her backside as it sits against his thighs and Hayley’s lips trace the line of his jaw. This was really happening. She’d really let him peel off her dress and flick off her bra. His shirt was somewhere with the forgotten snacks, and she was extremely eager to keep feeling his hardness pressed between her legs.  

"I swear to god, I never dreamed this would happen tonight" she murmurs, moaning when their hips press together in a different angle, "Was sure I'd be going to your wedding one day, completely miserable and probably end up drunk and causing a scene. Embarrass you so badly you'd never want to see me again, and you'd just run away with your stupid wife" 

Taylor pulls back for a second and watches her ramble with a smile, her bare chest rising and falling against his, "You're a real glass half full kinda girl, aren't you?" Hayley nods at him. 

"I just" her eyes follow the lines of his arms, she shuts her eyes with ragged breaths dropping her forehead onto his sternum with a big sigh, "This is fucking unreal, and my brain is just struggling to comprehend, and I feel like my chest is gonna explode"  

"It's also four am, so there's always the potential your brain is just plain tired" he teases, warm fingers drawing circles on the side of her hip as the tiny blonde leans against him, pausing and running her hand over the back of his head. "Maybe we should sleep for a little … I'll be here when you wake up" he says in response to Hayley squeezes her arms around his waist tightly as if he was going to disappear. Or worse, leave. 

His Brown eyes full of tenderness find hers in the light from the bedroom lamps and her heart skips a beat when the question leaves his lips, "Will you let me hold you while you sleep?" 

"Yeah" Hayley nods, although somehow that question seems more intimate than the lack of clothes between them at the moment. She’s distinctly less dressed than Taylor, who's still got his jeans on, while she’s only covered by her underwear.  

"We don't have to rush this, right? Got all the time in the world now" still, as he speaks his palms trail up her back and then down again, skimming the sides of her breasts, "Just don't wanna miss anything is all" 

"I promise I'm incredibly boring in my sleep, won't miss anything" She teases, "Might be the only time you get any peace from now on" 

Taylor tightens his forearms around her back and finds the soft skin below her ear with his lips once, twice, three little kisses "I feel pretty at peace right now, just having you here. Feels like I'm living a dream" 

Hayley doesn’t reply for a moment, instead lets her body rest against his in a comfortable hug, her voice unusually quiet, "You’ve really liked me for that long?" 

"I have" 

"Are you going to love me for a long long time now that is all been said and done?" 

"Without a doubt" 

Chapter 11: KYRH

Summary:

“So, where’s Alf? He at your mom’s? I was expecting him to join in on our lunch date, I miss his furry face” Erica says in a carefree tone
“He’s not, I dropped him off at T's house earlier Couse I forgot I had to drive him to get his shots before we go on tour again. He offered to take him for me” Hayley says it in such a mindless way, that it’s already too late when she takes note of the dead-end street, she just drove herself into.
“Oh! he’s at Taylor’s” the grin on Erica’s face is so big that not even the teacup on her lips can conceal it, full on Cheshire cat style.
“How awfully considerate of him. I didn’t know T was so ready to offer up a helping hand like that”
Hayley rolls her eyes in annoyance, telling herself it’s the heat that’s getting to her and not what her sister is implying with the teasing.   

Notes:

Ok, this one is a bit different, I think. I'm not entirely sure about the meaning of this song because I feel like part of it has to do with her covered tattoos but anyways, I went with what genius said and this is my take.
Hope you enjoy :)

"It seems while she wants to keep him close enough and maintain the relationship, she’s keeping him “where the line is” and “on the surface”, meaning maybe she finally found the emotional balance to set boundaries and respect her emotional limits, which she struggled to do in the previous songs, where her head and her heart weren’t in harmony.
The mentioning of “at my fingers” also gives the idea that maybe now the situation is under her control. "

 Keep you right here, where the line is  
At my fingers, on the surface  
Keep you right here, where the line is  
Keep you right here  

Keep you right here, where the line is  
At my fingers, on the surface  
Keep you right here, where the line is  
Keep you right here  
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah-ooh, ooh  

  

"What are you staring at?"  

"Nothing. I'm not staring. Who's staring?" 

She narrows her eyes at Taylor from across the couch. He was on one end, Hayley on the other, as they went over their respective emails and schedules for the next day. She hadn't meant to stay the night in his room, but he’d offered his shower and an extra set of clothes and promised not to bother her if she wanted a quiet place to go over the notes Brian had sent on the new hair launch, and despite the warning bells flaring in her head, she stayed. 

As promised, there were no distractions and she’d been able to go over her emails in peace, the only sounds in Taylor’s room being the instrumental music he put on and the clicks of his keyboard as he worked on his laptop. It was comfortable, almost too comfortable, she thought. This wasn't the kind of relationship she’d anticipated when they’d started sleeping together for the first time. It was supposed to be strictly physical, transactional, a satisfaction of mutual needs. 

But she felt it—Taylor’s stare as she reviewed hair dye names and colors and though there wasn't any heat behind the stare, that somehow made it worse, cause it was unbelievably distracting how much affection his gaze carried, the soft, warm glow leaving her confused because Hayley wasn't sure how to make the responding butterflies in her stomach stop fluttering so intensely. 

"You're being a creep, T" She finally says, shifting in her spot on the couch as if she can physically shake off the weight of that stare. 

Taylor’s brows raised above his blue light glasses, amused by her assessment and she hates how it only adds to the appeal, how seeing him wear them makes her fingers tingle to touch him because they framed his stupidly beautiful face perfectly.  

"You really wanna know?" he asks with a playful grin on his face. "I don't think you wanna know" 

"I asked, didn't I?"  

Taylor’s grin widens enormously, before he turns back to his laptop. "I just think you look pretty in my clothes. That's all" 

His smirk is self-satisfied as if he knew what Hayley’s reaction would be, which pisses her off even more and before she knows it, the tiny blonde takes a throw pillow and chucks it at his head with force. 

"Ow! What the hell?" 

"I look pretty in your clothes? " 

"It's a compliment, Hayles" Taylors says in a sickly soft tone, "You would be the one to get pissy over something like that" 

She sniffs. "Sorry I'm not at your feet like an adoring fan" 

"Hey now, I never said I didn't like it. I like this thing we have going on. The banter. It keeps things interesting" 

"Whatever" 

"Would you rather I said you looked hot? Sexy?" Taylor challenges, though his smirk tells her he is playing around, laying a teasing trap to see if she'll take the bait. "Why can't I tell the friend I'm sleeping with she looks beautiful in my clothes? That's like every guy's dream" 

She frowns and picks at her nails, trying to ignore the effect his words have on her fragile heart. "You're sounding too romantic. Like you're my boyfriend or something" 

Closing his laptop once more, Taylor sets it on the coffee table in front of him and turns toward her completely. He looks too soft, too cuddly, too kissable in his worn gray sweatshirt, his hair extra curly from the shower they’d shared together earlier. And when he shuffles across the couch toward Hayley, the smell of his shampoo dizzies her, making it hard for the tiny blonde to focus on his words. 

"You say that like it would be a bad thing" he offers, his voice is light, but there’s an undercurrent of weight to it. This was the conversation she and Taylor avoided, danced around, hid from, at every turn. She could see it in his eyes sometimes that he wanted to have it, that he wanted more. But she...she just couldn't. 

"We agreed—" 

"Yeah, yeah. We agreed. Just sex" Taylor grumbles as he pulled off his crew neck. "I can haul you over my knee and have my way with you all I want but I can't say you look cute in my clothes. Pathetic, Hayles, really" 

Hayley blushes, playfully swatting his hand away when he tries to push her— his —shirt up. "What are you doing? We already did that!" 

"Well non-couples don't sit around just existing together, so come on" Taylor says, smiling as he plays-fight with her on the couch. 

The tiny blonde giggles her way out of her clothes wrapping her arms and legs around him as he kisses along her jaw. "No, don't do that. This is strictly sex between us. Only girlfriends hold boyfriends like that" 

"Don't make fun of me" She whispers, breathless from laughing. 

"I'm not making fun. Promise. We're just two people who love to fuck. And make music together and watch movies—" 

She cuts him off with a kiss, fisting a hand in his hair tight enough to make him hum. The slide of his mouth against her is familiar, practiced, as dizzying as the first time they’d kissed that night outside his house. From the very beginning, it had been easy with Taylor. Too easy, too right and for a second she thought it was just the tension between them finally snapping in half, that he'd finally pushed enough of her buttons, and she just needed to get him out of her system. But then it happened again, and it felt just as good as the first time. Maybe even better. So, it kept happening again. And again. Until she was staying over at his place, and he had a drawer at her house and he laughed at her stupid jokes and Hayley knew what he meant when he talked about hockey stats and his favorite place to get coffee when in London. 

And now She was here. 

Hayley didn't know where "here" was, though. She knew where Taylor thought it was, she knew what he wanted beneath all his teasing and joking. But the tiny blonde didn't know what she wanted. Or she did, and perhaps the real issue was she didn't know how to admit it. 

"I should go to my room" She whispers after, even though she knew she didn't have to. Taylor's body was warm and inviting beside her, the hand drawing circles up and down her back and through her blonde hair pleasant, calming. Her green eyes were getting tired, blinking slower and slower as her head laid on his chest. 

"Yeah" he replies, his chest expanding and falling as he sighs. "But I don't want you to"  

She didn't either, though Hayley didn't say it out loud, actions spoke louder than words and when she just nestled deeper into Taylor’s chest and wrapped her arms around his waist, his heart settled in that peace around them. 

And it was enough to make Hayley want to stay. 

 Keep you right here, where the line is  
At my fingers, on the surface  
Keep you right here, where the line is  
Keep you right here  

Hayley adjusts the sunglasses on her nose to shield herself from the sun as she waits for the light to switch from red to green. It’s a lovely day in Nashville, the unusual warmth for this time of year serving as a reminder that spring was approaching and she rolls her window down enjoying the breeze in her hair as her sister turns the volume all the way up, blasting a praise chorus by Jimmy eat the world before taking one last turn around the corner to their destination.  

It’s been a weird couple of weeks she supposes. They are in the middle of a tiny break from tour but it’s coming to an end very soon, and she’s making the most of it, spending time with family and friends in a hopeless attempt to not overthink so much. The switch in her and Taylor’s relationship has been both amazing and hard to navigate for Hayley, her growing feeling for the curly haired man, the constant thought that never seems to leave her mind. After that reckless but very memorable night in Manchester, they’ve had both come clean about having more than just friendly feelings for each other and Hayley has tried her best to let Taylor into her raging mind, finding words very hard all of a sudden.  

She knew full well that she had disappointed him when she left that night, leaving him to wake up on an empty bed that morning and the aftermath of what had happened has been proving to be harder to maneuver around than she’d initially thought (not that she’d done much thinking before jumping his bones...or after).  

Taylor seems at war with his feeling most of the time, the restrain he’s demonstrated is one well practiced, never pushing too hard or bringing up the lack of real boundaries of their relationship, lines becoming more and more blurred. She’s no better honestly. They keep moving in circles around each other, a push and pull that’s proving to be truly exhausting under the stupid pretense that it is better to keep things casual, when in reality there is absolutely nothing casual about them.  

The Lack of casualness was a fact that had smacked Hayley in the face a couple of weeks ago, when she’d fallen sick during the Asian leg of the tour. Taylor had put on the worried boyfriend suit so fast that she’d been left even more confused and conflicted than before.   

What was she avoiding anyways? would it be so bad if he added the word girlfriend to her name? Weren't they allowed some happiness after all the shit endured in the past years? Did Taylor even want them to be something more? He sure acted like it but had never once brough it up in conversation despite acting the part.   

Fuck, she was starting to get a headache with all this overthinking.  

Hayley parks the car outside her sister’s place, and they get inside for a much-needed cup of tea after their late lunch, she was grateful that life seemed to be falling into place instead of always falling apart, that it felt like color was returning after so many grey gloomy days.  

They make their way to the garden cups in hand ready to resume their conversation, months' worth of life changes to get through.   

“So, where’s Alf? He at your mom’s? I was expecting him to join in on our lunch date, I miss his furry face” Erica says in a carefree tone  

“He’s not, I dropped him off at T's house earlier Couse I forgot I had to drive him to get his shots before we go on tour again. He offered to take him for me” Hayley says it in such a mindless way, that it’s already too late when she takes note of the dead-end street, she just drove herself into.  

“Oh! he’s at Taylor’s” the grin on Erica’s face is so big that not even the teacup on her lips can conceal it, full on Cheshire cat style.  

“How awfully considerate of him. I didn’t know T was so ready to offer up a helping hand like that”  

Hayley rolls her eyes in annoyance, telling herself it’s the heat that’s getting to her and not what her sister is implying with the teasing.   

“Whatever you’re trying to say, just say it” she snaps.  

Maybe it comes out a little too defensive and she regrets it immediately, eyes apologetic when she turns to her, but Erica doesn't seem phased in the slightest by her outburst.  

“I’m just saying, I don’t think he would do that for anyone”  

“I’m not anyone,” Hayley argues quickly, because she’s at least sure of that much. Regardless of her feelings or what she personally wants (which she’s still trying to figure out), she knows that T would’ve offered the help even before they were sleeping together, “I'm his friend " she insists. “I’m sure he would’ve done the same for Zac or Dan, and I would do the same for him”  

Erica snorts loudly then, setting Hayley on edge and she can’t stop herself from turning a pair of angry green eyes at her sister.  

“I’m sorry, H, but this is a load of bullshit if I've ever heard some” she shoots back, softening her tone when she notices that her sister doesn't seems to find the humor in her reaction.  

“You two have never been just friends” she tells her in a way that leaves no room for any comment back.  

“And if you think that could ever be true now that you guys are sleeping together, then I don’t really know what to tell you, honestly” Hayley’s eye widen at her sister, they haven’t really told people about the new developments in their relationship, so this is a complete shock and a cold shower both in one.  

“Oh, and don’t waste your words trying to deny it, saw you tip toing out of T’s room every morning when I came to visit you in Tokyo. Must be some sex you two are having with how much he has you smiling these days!” Erica’s witty remark leaves Hayley red as a tomato and completely speechless.   

“I’m just saying, if I had a “best friend” that had been there for me the way he has for you, and looked like that” She says moving her hands for emphasis “I’d too wouldn't come up for air in about three days, so kudos to you sister for finally going for it. I been rooting for the two of you in secret for some time” . 

If Hayley thought she was mortified before it was nothing compared to how she feels now after that last input from her sister “OMG! Please stop!!” she squeals, whole face hidden by her hands as both of them giggle loudly.  

Once the laughter stops, Hayley’s face changes completely making Erica turn her attention at the sudden change in mood from her, “What’s the matter? you went somewhere else in that mind Hayles” her sister’s eyes show worry now that the air between them feels heavier suddenly.  

“I..., I don’t know what we are doing anymore little. I hear what you’re saying and trust me I've thought about it too but” and now Hayley just looks lost, giving Erica her cue to speak again.  

“What do you mean? Have you asked him?” she tries in a softer tone  

“We haven’t really talked about it much and now I think maybe we should have” The tiny blonde says, green eyes full of worry.  

“I never intended for this to happen, much less this way. I’ve just divorced for fucks sake!”  

“T and I, we are complicated I know that; we’ve always been complicated, but now I think I’ve just gone and made it worst” Her words make her sister more confused than before.  

“Hayley, I know that you had a really shitty past few years” she says softly “And that the stupid mother fucker really hurt you. But after everything that’s happened, isn’t it time to start grasping on to every bit of happiness you can get?” Erica moves closer, taking her hand to comfort her sister before speaking, “Taylor makes you stupidly Happy Hayles, all That man has ever done is love you”.  

“What? No, it’s not like that. We've barely started whatever it’s we are doing” She starts to ramble fast but shuts her mouth feeling smaller under the pointed stare from her sister.  

“Oh my god! Hayley! I can’t believe I have to be the one to spelled it out for you, but T has always been in love with you” Hands in the air from exasperation.  

“He’s stayed by your side through every bad thing that’s ever happen in your life and has never ask for anything in return except for you to be yourself” she tells her delicately.  

“That man has loved every single version of you, good, bad and ugly. He’s seen the best and the very worst and never once asked you to change a single thing about yourself” Hayley suddenly feels like a cold bucket of ice water has been thrown over her at her words.  

“I love him too” the words escape Hayley before she has time to take them back and Erica’s eyes soften at her admission, because she’s let them out so quietly, as if she’s afraid to say it out loud.  

 “I'm in love with him, but I've learned a long time ago that sometimes that it’s just not enough” and now Erica can’t mask the frown on her face at what she’s saying.  

“He’s too good little, T’s too good for me. Too good for anyone really” Hayley sobs, green eyes full of sadness  

“And I'm just pure Fucking chaos” tears stream freely down her face as she chokes the bitter words out.  

“I can’t give him what he needs, all I ever do is bring him problems and weigh him down. I've lost so much already but I can lose him. That, That I don’t think I could ever recover from” Erica moves over to hug Hayley rubbing circles in her back to comfort her before she speaks again.  

“That’s not true H, and also, you’ve never asked him what he wants. I get that it’s a big gamble with the band and all, but I can’t see anyone not being ok with you two, if that’s what you’re worried about” She tries tenderly.  

“In fact, I think you’ll hear a collective loud chorus of FUCKING FINALLY! lead mostly by myself” the words from her sister making Hayley smile in between her tears “Talk to him”.  

Later that night when Hayley leaves Erica’s house she goes straight to Taylor’s, she’d kissed him as soon as he opened the door, pushing him into his bedroom and touching every part of him that her hands could reach as his lips travelled to her neck instantly. The heavy conversation had left her with a burning need to feel his weight on top of her, have him close to try and remind herself he was real, he was there, with her and when the sun filtered sharply through the curtains of his room, waking her up way too early, it takes Hayley a minute to realize she’s not in her own room.  

 She shifts on the bed, turning to look at Taylor for a second. Takes in his disheveled curly hair, his pink lips and flushed cheeks; the comforting tattooed arm draped loosely around her waist keeping her close to his chest. She can’t silence her thoughts then; they scream at her.  

She loves him, she’s in love with him.  

And all she thinks it’s that is really fucking bad because it means he can hurt her. Or worse, Hayley can hurt him, and She probably will because she always ends up hurting the ones she loves one way or another, no matter how hard she tries not to.  

And even if by some miracle they don’t fuck each other up, then life will hurt them she thinks, Hayley’s lived long enough to know life fucks everyone, even those who don’t deserve it.  

Taylor sure doesn’t deserve it, is probably the least deserving of it, but life will get to him anyways, might as well make sure she’s not standing too close to see it when it happens.  

 Keep you right here, where the line is  
At my fingers, on the surface  
Keep you right here, where the line is  
Keep you right here  

“Hey, I came as quick as I could”  

Taylor’s lips barely let out those words before he’s been ushered inside by Brian. He’s wearing joggers and a baggy hoodie and his curly haired is all fluffy and sticking in all directions, which shouldn’t be a surprise since it’s two AM and he had been most likely sleeping. 

“I’m actually slightly scared. You live like twenty minutes away and I only got off the phone with you like twelve ago…” Brian chuckles, shutting the door behind them. 

“Yeah, I might’ve already been out of the door and in the car by the time our phone call ended” Taylor says rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

“Well, you certainly win boyfriend of the year” 

“Speaking of, where’s Hayley?”  

“Curled up on the sofa” Brian answers showing the curly haired man the way through. 

“Still upset?” 

“It’s scary how she doesn’t run out of tears…” 

Taylor chuckles because he knew that all too well. 

Brian shows him to where she’s curled up on the sofa, blanket tucked high up her body and tissue in hand. The tiny blonde is quietly staring at the room, not particularly looking at anything deep in thought and it makes him sigh.  

“Thanks, B” The curly haired man tells his friend with a small smile and Brian takes it as his queue to hang back in the kitchen. 

Taylor rounds the sofa and slowly comes into her line of vision, not wanting to startle her.  

“Hey, my pretty girl” The corners of his lips curl up when he sees her puffy eyes and red cheeks from crying so much. “What’s all the fuss about, hm?”  

“T” She pouts and then starts to cry again, cupping her hands over her eyes because she feels so embarrassed that he’s seeing her like this.  

their relationship was still pretty new and even though they’d already had arguments and cried in front of each other endless times in their years as friends, it’d never looked like this.  

This was full on sob and snot crying.  

“Hey, hey. What’s this about?”  

Taylor did in fact know what this was all about, after being rung by Brian when he’d gotten concerned about how upset the tiny blonde had gotten.  

What’s strangest about this situation though, is that Taylor knew she wasn’t even upset by something that had hurt her feelings. If anything, Hayley was upset because she was feeling too much.  

“Hello?” he’d answered the phone groggily, wincing as his eyes adjusted to the bedside lamp.  

“Hi T. I’m sorry to wake you”  

“No, no it’s fine. Is there a reason you’re calling off Hayley’s phone, B?”  

“Taylor… She’s a little upset” the curly haired man sat up in bed then, “Actually, a lot upset. I didn’t want to call but I'm getting kind of worried”  

“What’s happened? Is she okay? Are you guys safe?”  

“Yeah, we’re in my house. It’s just, we had quite a bit of wine to drink and got to talking about relationships and then Hayley started talking about you. At first, she was all giddy and happy but then she started getting herself worked up about how perfect you are and how she doesn’t think she deserves you”  

He liked the thought that Hayley liked him a little bit more than she lead on, but he didn’t like that it came at the expense of her anxiety. Anxiety she had tried so hard to overcome from previous relationships.  

“Can I come over?” Taylor asked, already getting himself out of bed.  

The curly haired man sits on the sofa next to his favorite blonde, picking her up gently until she is situated in his lap. She doesn’t take long to become comfortable there and her arms go around his neck tightly, head buried into the safe crook of his neck.  

“Ssh, shh. I’ve got you” He keeps repeating in a soothing tone.  

He rocks her ever so gently, just allowing her the comfort of being held.  

“You’re here” Hayley whispers after she’s settled slightly. 

“I’m here” 

“You’re the best” 

Taylor smiles at that. 

“I like to think so” 

Hayley strokes his chin stubble, finding a strange calmness to the grizzle.  

“I’m sorry”  

“Don’t” 

“No, but I am”  

“I don’t want you to be. Means you’re sorry about the reason you were upset in the first place and I actually quite liked the fact you maybe like me a little too much. If I'm being selfish” Taylor says giving her a cheeky smirk that has her calming down in an instance.  

“I just got so overwhelmed” 

“I know”  

“Because… B-because….” 

The tiny blonde looks up at him in his not-so-scary eyes and for the first time, she finds this part of a relationship easy.  

“Go on” He encourages with a whisper.  

“Because I love you”  

Hayley lets out the words quietly but with a smile, her cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink and Taylor’s face copies her emotions and he leans down to give her a welcomed kiss.  

“You love me?” He asks excitedly, kissing her again because he just can’t deny himself.  

“I do”  

“Hmm” He giggles excitedly. 

“Do you… do…” 

“I love you. I love you. I fucking love you, Hayles”  

It’s now her turn to chuckle and let the tears well up in her eyes again.  

“No, no, no. No more tears” Taylor’s quick to rectify the situation by kissing her again, molding his lips to Hayley’s like that’s what they’d been created to do.  

“I feel five times more overwhelmed than I did before you arrived, T” She confesses in a slightly panicky tone that makes him grin. 

“Okaayyy…” 

“But I also feel five time more safe and calm than I did before you arrived”  

 Keep you right here, where the line is  
At my fingers, on the surface  
Keep you right here, where the line is  
Keep you right here  

The rain falls hard and loud, round droplets splattering against the window of their bedroom with unnecessary force, obscuring the stormy night from view.  

Downpours are not as common now as they used to be in Nashville, so every time it happens it feels like quite the show to behold, and Hayley loves it. Tonight though, watching the streams of water pound steadily against the glass serves as a soothing escape from her mental turmoil.  

In the last few years (mostly since her curly companion started sharing her bed), her quality of sleep has increased exponentially; the water nightmares getting less and less frequent. But there are still nights when the images plaguing her subconscious become too much to handle and she finds herself jolted awake in distress by them.  

At least she’s passed the point of being forcibly roused from her dreams. She can’t help but resent her own brain and its inability to let go of the past for a number of reasons but at the top of that list is seeing Taylor’s horrified face on each occasion that he’s had to pull her from sleep just to stop the shakes running through her body.  

As if her thoughts have roused him too, Hayley feels a warm arm settle around her as Taylor places himself behind her where she’s sat by the window, some of the tension leaving her body immediately.  

When they’d originally decided on having a window nook for their room, Hayley thought she would spend a lot more time reading or strumming her guitar in there, not watching the rain in hopes of drawing all the bad images out of her head.  

The instant calmness that invades her body as she leans back against Taylor’s embrace tells her that she probably should have stayed in bed.  

“Did I wake you?” She asks quietly, lips pressing to the rose tattoo on his bicep. She smiles softly to herself when she feels him shiver.  

“No,” he brushes the hair off her neck and settles his chin on top her shoulder, “but the bed felt cold without you” voice full of tenderness, words tugging at something deep inside of Hayley and making her want to bury herself even further into his loving arms.  

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake you with my tossing and turning T” she tells him tracing his bars tattoo with her fingers.  

“’it’s okay, you don’t need to apologize” Taylor’s quick to soothe her, as always, dropping a kiss to her forehead.  

It’s in quiet moments like these that she can’t help but wonder how she could have spent so much time away from him. She was so blinded by her insecurities and absolutely terrified of the feelings he inspired in her. The thought makes her want to get impossibly close to him and Hayley shifts until she’s fully on his lap and can look up to see his charming brown eyes, concern swimming in them today. She gives him a reassuring smile and wraps her arms around his waist, stealing up his warmth on this cold rainy night.  

It’s been particularly chilly these past few weeks, but Taylor refuses to sleep with a shirt on even in the dead of winter but Hayley absolutely doesn’t mind; especially not while her cheek is warm against his bare chest, she’s not usually this clingy, but tonight’s dreams have left her feeling particularly unsettled and is proof of how well Taylor knows her that instead of teasing, he lets her wrap herself completely around him and take whatever comfort she needs.  

They sit in silence for a while, the sound of the rain outside nearly lulling Hayley back to sleep until he whispers in her ear “Was it another nightmare?” voice quiet and soft  

She nods against his chest without saying anything, arms automatically tightening around Hayley, as if he can physically shield her from the demons that live in her head.  

“Want to talk about it?” Taylor tries, and she knows why.  

She’s told him before about how Lauren has encouraged her to talk about her nightmares, that discussing them can not only strengthen their relationship but also help ease the remnants of anxiety that seem to follow Hayley for days after they happen.  

Well, their relationship is just fine she thinks, it's actually better than fine and tonight she doesn’t want to follow Lauren’s words and unpack whatever is still swimming on her brain.  

No, tonight, she wants to stay rooted in the present, absorbing as much strength as she can from the man holding her so protectively.  

“No”  

Taylor doesn’t seem satisfied with her response and tilts her face up to look at him. Her lips curve up slightly when she spots the wariness on his eyes.  

“Are you sure? You know what Lauren’s said “voice full of tender worry  

“I know what she said,” Hayley interrupts, heart growing twice in size at his urgency to follow her therapist recommendation because sometimes she thinks he’s even more invested in her wellbeing than she is, and it knocks the wind out of her, if she really ponders on it.  

 The fact used to scare the shit out of Hayley, but she thanks every wishing star in the universe that they somehow figured it out because she’s not sure what she’d do without Taylor now, or ever .  

It's that thought that causes Hayley to untangle herself from his arms until she can see every bit of his beautiful face and properly straddle him, Taylor's hands falling immediately to her hips at the action, and he exhales softly when she moves her hand to caresses the side of his jaw.  

She has every intention of leaning down to kiss him, but the tension coming off of him in waves makes her pause. She rests her forehead against his instead, fingers moving to play with the soft curls at the back of his neck.  

Despite everyone’s claims that Hayley has Taylor wrapped around her finger, moments like this remind her that she’s just as in love and smitten with him.   

It took her a long time to admit that loving him as fiercely as she does isn’t a weakness or a liability, that in fact it’s very much a strength; one that’s gotten her through the most horrific times in her life and the very reason why she owes him some honesty right now.  

“I don’t even remember what the dream was about, really. Just that it woke me up and I couldn’t fall back asleep” she says, still playing with his hair.  

“Hayles, you can always wake me up if that happens. You know, I don’t mind”.  

Taylor rubs his knuckles along her upper thigh, toying with the hem of her (his) shirt and although Hayley knows he’s doing it on autopilot, the action still sparks goosebumps to appear on the skin he’s touched.  

“I know T, but you have to be up early tomorrow, and I didn’t want to do that”  

It’s a sore spot for them, she knows this, but it’s one Hayley's not willing to compromise on. As much as she loves him caring for her mental wellbeing, there’s absolutely no reason that both of them should be sleep deprived and grumpy the next day.  

Taylor exhales loudly in frustration at her words.  

“And I don’t like waking up without you, so what are we gonna do about that?”  

Hayley smiles at that, unable to hide her affection at the line that suddenly forms between his brows.  

“I can think of a few things” she says with a teasing edge to her tone, one that makes his jaw clench   

“Could tell you about some dreams I've had that were very much not nightmares” She whispers getting impossibly closer to drop a kiss behind his ear, enjoying the way he groans against her shoulder at the suggestion.  

“Hayley” Despite his warning tone, Taylor doesn't stop caressing her thighs or pulling her to him and she knows this isn’t the answer to anything, doesn’t need a licensed professional to tell her that distracting herself from the demons in her head won’t make them go away, But she’s been so disciplined about working through her shit that she can cut herself some slack tonight. Especially when it comes in the form of her very hot and very attentive boyfriend.  

“I’ve missed you; you know” she tells him, keeping her lips very close to his ear.   

Between her working over hours to get the new album done by February and Taylor doing some producing for one of their friends, they’ve barely had time to themselves, but right now, seems as good an occasion as any to rectify that.  

Taylor looks at Hayley like he knows exactly what she’s doing (of course he does), but it doesn’t stop him from slipping his hands underneath her shirt, one tracing down to the dip of her spine and the other settling on her orange hair.  

“I’ll make you a deal” he says breathily while moving his thumb to trace her bottom lip that’s tug between her teeth, her mind already going pleasantly blank.  

“I’m listening”  

The hand on her back moves up to her ribs, brushing the undersides of her breasts softly, just enough to have her breathing harder from his actions.  

“I’ll take you to bed now, but only if you promise to talk to me about all of this tomorrow”. At some point, Hayley’s eyes slipped close, but they immediately peel open at Taylor’s request and the pure love she sees written so plainly on his face nearly steals all the air from her lungs, she is not sure how to properly express just how grateful she is for him but figures the least she can do is try.  

Hayley surprises them both by wrapping her arms tightly around Taylor’s shoulders and burying her face deep on his neck, breathing him in.  

“I love you” She mutters into the space between his shoulder and throat, unable to resist pressing her lips there.  

He stills the movements of his fingers on her skin, returning her hug as much as he can with his hand still trapped inside her shirt.  

“I love you too,” he says back quickly, lips dropping to her hairline as she stays completely wrapped up in him.  

Eventually, Taylor moves the fingers pressed against her ribs again to keep them from falling asleep, reigniting the lovely heat between them; and she tilts her head just to the right to finally put her lips on his warm skin.  

She kisses along his jaw slowly, enjoying the soft sighs of appreciation he lets out at the sensation and stopping just short of his lips, Hayley opens her eyes again then, smiling fondly as she watches Taylor struggle to maintain some control but failing miserably.  

“Deal, obviously” She tells him before pulling his bottom lip with her teeth. Taylor returns her kiss instantly, tugging at her hair to deepen it.   

Is much later as the rain finally stops and the pleasant tiredness in her bones starts to finally lull her to sleep, that Hayley thinks about how none of her demons, mental or otherwise, stand a chance when she’s got him by her side.   

 Keep you right here, where the line is  
At my fingers, on the surface  
Keep you right here, where the line is  
Keep you right here  

As soon as Taylor comes home from the studio Hayley can tell something is wrong. He’s not as cheerful as he usually is when getting home and seems lost in his train of thought. But knowing her boyfriend, he tries to hide his emotions well and act as if nothing is wrong. Especially if it’s been a particularly long day for her. 

The problem tonight is that even Taylor didn't know what was wrong with himself. He wasn't necessarily sad and he wasn't mad. So maybe it's a combination of stress and built-up emotions but he’s just felt on the verge of crying all evening. There is this burning behind his eyes that one gets when you're trying not to cry and Taylor can't seem to get rid of it. 

Xxxx 

After going through their afternoon routine of giving Alf his late night walk, and having dinner together, it was time to go to bed. This part in their night routine can vary depending on their moods. If they were feeling needy, then it would consist of making love under the duvet. If they wanted to relax more, it could consist of sharing a bath or shower together. If they were tired, it would consist of just cuddling and going to sleep. Tonight, Hayley didn't know what to expect but she knew sex was off the table.  

Hayley comes into their bedroom to brush her teeth and then begins to put on creams and lotions on her skin as she sits on the edge of the bed. Taylor had told her he'd be back in a moment, that he was going to get himself a glass of water from the kitchen. The tint blonde felt nervous because she didn't want there to be anything seriously going on with him. Hated to see him so down.  

The whole journey to the kitchen Tayloe is fighting tears. Then on the way back up to their shared bedroom he is fighting tears. He didn't want to cry tonight. Not that he was embarrassed to cry in front of Hayley. No, they’ve together for so long that he's completely okay with being vulnerable around her. He just doesn’t want to make her sad because he knows when she sees him cry, she gets sad.  

But as soon as the curly haired man steps foot in the bedroom and shut the door behind himself, he takes one glance at Hayley, the person he loves most, and his bottom lip starts quivering his shoulders start shaking as a sob leaves his body. The tiny blonde stands up quickly and walks across the room, first grabbing the glass of water out of his shaky hands. Then asking, "Baby, what's wrong? Hey, it's okay"  

Taylor just wraps his arms around her and sobs into her shoulder. She’s not seen him cry this hard since the death of his uncle and it's really worrying her little blonde mind. 

 "I....." He tries to speak but can’t, "I don’t know"  

"Are you sad or feeling sick?" Hayley gently questions. 

"No, I, I just felt like crying. I'm sorry. I'm a big baby" he mutters as she leads him over to the bed. Now understanding a bit more. Taylor has been stressed lately and Hayley has a feeling his emotions just got backed up so much that now they are all flowing out of him. Typically, he is the type of person that will ignore his emotions until they come spewing out of him. For some it's with anger that includes yelling and being violent. For Taylor, he's not an angry or violent person so his emotions are tears. 

Hayley helps him sit on the edge of the bed while continuing to hug him to her chest. His cries are slowing down but are still somewhat there. "Shhh" the tiny blonde whispers while leaning back to lay down under the covers and stroke the back of his scalp, "It's okay. You can cry if you feel like it. I'll be here the entire time and hold you, okay" she tells him just wanting to let him know it's okay to cry it out. 

Taylor nods his head where it's placed over Hayley’s heartbeat, his favorite place to be. He loves laying his head over her heartbeat during sex to feel how fast he's got it beating for him. But he also just loves to feel it to comfort him when he's trying to sleep or is upset about something.  

After a few more minutes, he coos in a hoarse voice, "Thank you. Thank you for always knowing how to comfort me and thank you for loving me, Hayles" His words nearly bring the tiny blonde to tears.  

"T, babe, you're so easy to love. You have the biggest heart and everyone can't help but to show you love. I love you so much" she tells him truthfully. Hayley does love Taylor with every fiber in her body. She wouldn't have taken a chance on love again after her horrible divorce, if she didn't. Wouldn't have let him settle inside her shatter broken heart until it had been put back together piece by piece if she didn't love this wonderful man laying across her chest right now. 

The curly haired man lifts his head off her chest and leans forward, going in for a kiss, but she stops him. He gets a sad look of rejection on his face but Hayley reaches over to her nightstand and grabs a tissue. "You have snot running out your nose, babe. Here, let me help you wipe it up" Hayley gently cradles the side of his face and helps him wipe his snotty nose. "There we go. Now you can kiss me"  

With the first smile she’s seen on his face all night, Taylor leans in again and places the softest kiss on her lips. It only lasts a second but that second means everything to Hayley. After the kiss, Taylor whispers, "I love you" He leans back down to snuggle into her covered chest again and she grabs the edge of the duvet, to drape it over his back keeping the both of them warm. Then once she’s reached to turn the lamp off and the bedroom is filled with darkness, she begins to fall asleep with her soft curly haired man in her arms, knowing that whatever it is, at least tomorrow it’ll be another day. 

 Keep you right here, where the line is  
At my fingers, on the surface  
Keep you right here, where the line is  
Keep you right here  
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah-ooh, ooh  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 12: HYD (how you doing?)

Summary:

“I do still love him, you know” grandat’s eyes soften at her quiet admission, “I really do, I just... “Hayley runs out of words quickly, as she often does when talking about what happened between them, because some things hurt too much to explain, can’t be articulated. At least by her.
“It’s scary, I understand” Her grandat fills in the blanks of her statement perfectly but she wants more, since she herself can’t wrapped her head around it, she needs someone to explain it to her.
“What? Loving someone?”
“No. Not just that”
His eyes turn kind again but also glaze over in reminiscence and understanding.
“Granny and I, we weren’t all rainbows and butterflies like you seemed to think. We had to work for it, build it together, we didn’t have that ease that comes from two parts of the same puzzle, from two people just right for each other, doesn't mean I don’t know what it looks like”
“grandat...”
“All I was going to say darling is that it’s probably scary to find out the person you’re meant to be with was there all along, you’ve never done things according to anyone else sweet pea, but in this case, I wonder if you’re just hurting yourself” hand reaching over them to give her a squeeze.

Notes:

I stand by what I said last time I posted the chapter for this song, this are probably the most beautiful words H has written about Taylor, the way she's so tender with her feelings for him will never not get me suppperrr emo, I adore this song and I hope you enjoy this one <3
Much love,
Emxx

When the air is quiet  
And the sky is blue  
I can't help  
Be reminded of y-  

"Are you fucking kidding me?"     

When the air is quiet  
And the sky is blue  
I can't help  
Be reminded of you  

And how your eyes are shut  
So you cannot see  
Just how very close  
I keep you to me  

And in that dark little place you have made 
You'd swear all these pretty clouds are grey 
I wonder how you're doin' 
How you're doin' now 

In a million years  
Never thought I'd see  
The day you would choose your fear over me  
'Cause many storms have come  
And if not for you  
I'd have been struck down  
Disappeared at sea  
I know it's hard for you  
To take a compliment  
But my life began  
The day that you came in it  

I wonder how you view me  
How you view me now  

On a night like this  
It's just me and the kid  
And there's a chair for you where you'd always sit  
And we would talk for hours about the dumbest shit  
And you would always start my cigarette  

I wonder if you ever quit  
Like you wanted  
I bet you did  
I bet you did  
I bet you did  
I bet you did  
How you doing?  

 

> March 2019  

 

Honey colored light bounces off the porch railing, illuminating the pleasant dark wood. Hayley watches it spread slowly until the entire back deck is bathed in the glow of the late afternoon sun. 

In the distance, she can see people crowded around the many picnic tables set up for her Joey’s birthday but they’re far in the distance, and she feels safe here. 

Safe to watch how swiftly the sun retreats, painting the sky in pink and purple hues that leave her briefly mesmerized. 

The creak of the back door jolts her back into alertness, and she’s not surprised to find Taylor standing in the threshold. 

Like he’s not sure whether he should walk out now that he’s seen her. 

It guts Hayley more than she’s willing to admit and she doesn’t bother with pleasantries. 

“You can come out here, I don’t bite” 

His brown eyes flash instantly and she knows a worse man would make a crass joke. Taylor’s not the type though, so he simply pushes the door open and steps outside. 

“Nice night” he comments after far too many beats of silence and Hayley can’t stop staring at him. 

All the months they’ve gone without talking, without so much as a text and he’s suddenly here, standing with his big arms folded over his chest and refusing to look her in the eye. 

Before she can stop herself, she says his name. 

He instantly throws her a look but his stance is defensive and it doesn’t make her angry like it would before. 

It just makes her calm. 

What she’d failed to recognize all these years is that Taylor has always been the surest thing in her life. 

And everything about him right now suggests that she hadn’t been lying to her grandad. 

He really is it for her. 

“I was scared. Really fucking scared” 

And it’s a testament to how well the curly haired man knows her that he doesn’t even ask what she’s talking about. 

“Why?” 

He turns to her finally, dropping his hands by his sides but still retaining the mild irritation on his face. 

“What’s there to be afraid of, with me?”  

Hayley swallows down the lump in her throat how is she supposed to tell him that when she’s around him, it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist, and what’s more, she wouldn’t even care if it disappeared altogether. 

But she’s made that excuse, told that story to herself, for years now, and where has it gotten her? 

She’s no better for having run from this, and maybe she shouldn’t anymore, even if every instinct tells her to. 

“When I’m with you, I feel things that –, I’m not good at that, things I thought I'd never get to feel” 

“Yeah, you’ve said” he retorts so sharply Hayley feels it like a nick on her artery. It doesn’t put her off. 

“No, not like that – “she clarifies first, because he has to know that it’s not about other people. 

It never has been. 

“I am not good at letting myself be happy” 

Then it’s out there, but it’s not enough. 

She blows out a breath of courage and finds his eyes in the dimness of the porch. 

“And you make me very happy, T. Like stupidly happy” 

He doesn’t say anything but she can tell he’s searching for it; searching for the will to believe her, to forgive her and Hayley’s green eyes nearly sting with tears at his indecision. 

“And I’m sorry it took me so long but I want to try again. with you. I want to another chance, T” 

This is as far as she can go. He has to meet her at some point. 

The silence drowning on between them save for the cicadas and the distant murmurs of their friend's laughter, doesn’t leave Hayley very optimistic that he will in fact be able to forgive and forget. 

Instead, it throws into sharp relief Taylor’s uncertainty. Or at least what she thinks is uncertainty up until he takes three measured strides towards the lounge chair, she’s in and nudges the side of her calf with his worn-out vans. 

“Move.” 

She does without thought; for once without contemplating anything other than how good it feels when the curly haired man slots in behind her and engulfs her in his arms. 

She leans back, exhaling with a relief that dissolves that lump in her throat and allows her to settle her hands on the large, warm ones anchoring her middle. 

Taylor doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t have to. 

They’ve never needed words to tell each other how they feel. It was just shitty that she kept running from this very feeling for so long. 

Hayley knows that later Taylor won’t object when she takes him by the hand and leads him up to her room. 

In return, she’ll let him undress her steady and slow, and let him do unspeakable things to her with his hands, and his mouth, his entire body really, because theirs is a passion that has trouble simmering down even when the rest of them is fractured. 

But they’re not anymore; the pieces of them are starting to come back together, and she’ll keep picking up the shards of glass for as long as she needs to. 

“Can we sit here, just for a little while?” She asks into his shoulder, inhaling his scent, and shutting her eyes against it. 

“Yeah” Taylor agrees quickly and Hayley thinks that’s it. 

In the next second though, she feels his quiet laugh against her temple. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me, Hayley Williams” 

The affection in his tone is obvious and it has her sighing deeply. 

“Not if you kill me first” she nudges him lightly, prompting him to cup her jaw with his large palm, linking their eyes together. 

“How about we try not to kill each other?” 

The softness in his gaze is what ultimately gets her, and she leans up to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth innocent, chaste, and perhaps the most important one they’ve shared. 

At least it feels that way with how Taylor’s looking down at her, and she smiles widely in agreement. 

“I’m game, if you are”  

 

<Late February 2019  

Hayley had been feeling pretty hopeless these days if she was honest, the three-month mark of what had happened hitting her harder than a ton of bricks.  

Since the LA trip, Taylor had kept his word not chasing after her but the actual separating from each other part had turned out to be almost physically impossible to follow through for them both.  

He would still check up on her silently, asking friends about her, sending stuff. He kept circling around her orbit and even if she couldn’t see him, she could always feel him and somehow that was exponentially worst.  

She’d tried on multiple occasions reaching out to him but her texts would never get an answer, the read blue ticks sending a painful ache to her heart at the fact that the lack of answer was a conscious choice.  

It’d all become suddenly too much one-day last week when she’d felt the anger rising at Taylor’s unwillingness to even acknowledge her existence. In the heat of the moment, she’d pack all his stuff (even the shirt that still faintly smelled of him) to leave a box at his parents' house, a visit that’d left her emotionally exhausted for days and more heart broken than she’d like to admit at the memory of his mom’s kindness when she’d broken down in their living room.  

Since then, every day felt blue, she would catch herself at meetings with Brian just blankly staring at the wall unable to mask her sadness, not even under the worried subtle looks he ‘d send her way. It seemed like Hayley couldn’t see any way out of this pain, she felt lost in a maze.  

She turns the engine on, waving bye to Brian after a long day when a familiar name flashes on the screen of her car and she presses the answer button immediately, feeling a tiny bit better all of a sudden as she drives out of the parking lot.  

“Hi grandat, how are you? how’s granny?” she smiles at the voice coming in from the speakers  

“Hi! sweet pea, we both good just a bit cold for these old bones” he tells her in his thick southern accent making Hayley’s heart feel warm at the much-needed comfort it brings her.  

“I know, I have my big coat on today, had to come to the office with Brian and it’s always freezing there”, “we haven’t figured out how to make the heating work just yet” the insight makes him chuckle a little and the sound tugs at her heart.  

“ohh bless him, I'm sure you were lots of help my little troublemaker” Grandat tells her in his usual teasing tone, one he keeps just for her, suddenly reminding Hayley of how much she’s missed him, how long it’s been since she’s gone over to their house, immediate rush of guilt at the thought.  

“Did you call just for a chat?” She asks, it’s not rare and it always manages to turn her bad days around (like today) when he tells her about his lunch with an old friend, the new flower he’s planted for granny or whatever daily sweet nothing he’s been up to.  

“Well, yes, I always want to hear that lovely voice of yours but also granny made your favorite for dinner, we thought we’d give you a ring, see if you wanted to come around maybe, if you're not busy” His voice is full of tenderness and hope, and Hayley couldn't possibly tell him no.  

“You know you had me at dinner, I'll be there in twenty, I'm driving out of the office as we speak” she tells him, feeling much more relax than she has in days "You guys just don’t start without me, tell granny I'll bring some wine and dessert for us”.  

“Oh wonderful! I'll tell her you’re coming; she’ll be so happy. We've missed that pretty face drive safe sweet pea. I love you” he tells her, voice full of love making her think that maybe she can turn this day around now "Love you too pops, see you very soon”.  

Hayley thought she’d find it lonely coming to her grandparents for dinner without the curly plus one that had been a constant on their dining table until a couple months ago, but it actually turns out to be quite nice to spend time alone with them. she’s missed them badly, work and life always getting in the way and she’s so grateful for tonight, for the chance to spend quality time with granny and grandat just having dinner, even if it did sting quite a bit when they sat to eat and her line of vision landed on the picture of her and Taylor sitting atop their fireplace.  

After they are done with the amazing food, they make their way to the living room for a cup of tea to finish it off, getting onto some easy conversation.  once she takes note of the time, Hayley tells them it’s time for her to head out, granny insisting she takes some leftovers home and excusing herself to the kitchen leaving Hayley alone with one of her favorite persons in the world.  

She finds him in the garden having a cheeky smoke in secret like a thirteen-year-old and she sits quietly next to him on the porch, making Grandat’s head turned startled at the sudden company causing Hayley to giggle at his little frightened squeal.  

“You been ok kid? you look tired” he tells her softly, eyes conflicted with the words he keeps to himself.  

“You can ask about him you know, I don’t mind” (she does mind, but she’s not about to say that and spoil their moment) “We are still friends (are not), it’s cool (it’s absolutely not)” she tells him with the best poker face she can manage trying to reassure him, the last thing Hayley wants it’s to bring them worries.  

“I don’t have to ask about turkey (grandat’s personal nickname for Taylor), he’s come around a few times for tea, and to watch the preds game with me” Eyes full of mirth and glue to his granddaughter awaiting a reaction.  

“He’s WHAT?!” Hayley’s almost lost for words then, doesn't know if she feels like laughing at grandat’s boldness or screaming because honestly the FUCKING NERVE, or even crying, because they’ve seen him and she has not, in months.  

“He’s come around to see us, I know how he’s doing” he says again calmly, enjoying the little win at having succeeded on his pursue to get this reaction out of her.  

“What I want to know is how you’ve been really doing sweet pea” and she smiles sadly at that, her grandat’s never been one to mince words, but he’s also never looked at her this way before.  

Exactly as disappointed as she’d feared, and Hayley wants nothing more than to not feel the hot wave of shame that accompanies his look.  

“I do still love him, you know” grandat’s eyes soften at her quiet admission, “I really do, I just... “Hayley runs out of words quickly, as she often does when talking about what happened between them, because some things hurt too much to explain, can’t be articulated. At least by her.  

“It’s scary, I understand” Her grandat fills in the blanks of her statement perfectly but she wants more, since she herself can’t wrapped her head around it, she needs someone to explain it to her.  

“What? Loving someone?”  

“No. Not just that”  

His eyes turn kind again but also glaze over in reminiscence and understanding.  

“Granny and I, we weren’t all rainbows and butterflies like you seemed to think. We had to work for it, build it together, we didn’t have that ease that comes from two parts of the same puzzle, from two people just right for each other”, “doesn't mean I don’t know what it looks like” voice slow and steady, like he’s trying to get through her thick skull with his words.  

“grandat...”  

Her voice doesn’t sound like her own, which might be a good thing because Hayley doesn’t even realize she’s interrupted him.  

“All I was going to say darling is that it’s probably scary to find out the person you’re meant to be with was there all along, you’ve never done things according to anyone else sweet pea, but in this case, I wonder if you’re just hurting yourself” hand reaching over them to give her a squeeze.  

She doesn’t say anything for a long time, but she knows her face betrays every emotion she’s feeling.  

Eventually, Grandat puts his cigarette down and guides them both back inside with the pretext that it’s too cold to stay out any longer, she follows him on autopilot, lost from his words.  

It’s only later, when she’s said her byes to her granny and Grandat insist on waking her out to her car, that she brings their conversation up again.  

“What you said earlier, I know that. I know that Taylor is it for me”  

This is the firmest she’s ever been, both in her resolve and her conviction, because it’s never been about her feeling for Taylor just the circumstances and fears that always worked against them, but she wants to move past it, wants them to find a way to move past it, if there's any.  

“Maybe I couldn’t admit it to myself right away but I'm sure of it now. I just don’t know how to fix it; I worry that I’ve messed up one too many times for him to ever want to try with me again” Hayleys voice sounds smaller suddenly, like she’s back been ten telling her grandat about a scrap on her knee from roller skating.  

It’s the most honest she’s been about her feelings in a while, but her grandat proves to be the right person to help her find the final push, the courage about her feelings, as he looks at her with a specific sort of gaze, the kind only he could give her. It takes her back to her childhood and Hayley can’t help the warmth spreading from his loving stare even with the unresolved ache on her heart.  

“Never know unless you try, right?” is all he says to end their talk, but it’s just enough to give her a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, she’s not sure what she’ll actually do to fix it but for the first time in forever she feels hopeful. 

 

<February 14, 2019  

The clock on his night stand reads twelve pm, the timing making him aware that he’s been in the same position for the past two hours, pillow firmly positioned on his arms as he keeps his body to the very far right side of the bed, just staring into space with a blank lifeless gaze.  

He'd turned off his phone the night before, not wanting to be reminded once again of the date, the trip to his parents' house three days ago had left enough heart break for the rest of the week.  

His mom had tried her hardest to be as soft as she could when telling him about the box waiting for him on the living room and Taylor doesn't remember a time, he’d ever felt smaller than in that moment in the arms of his mother as she whispered loving words to stop the shaking of his body.  

The visit had left him hopeless, a realization that maybe this was actually it, and that there wasn’t much he could do about it now. After all it’d been months by now.  

His self-deprecating thoughts get cut short by the sound of the front door and he’s ready to ignore whoever is there, silently asking them to go but the banging only gets louder by the minute; so, he makes his way down the stairs to go tell whoever is there to just Fuck off!  

He opens the door with that thought in mind but his visitor is not taking any of his bullshit, he moves past him to get inside the house and Taylor just wants this day to be over already.  

“Nice of you to answer the door, save me the trip to the police to report you missing since you can’t seem to answer your phone” Brian’s blue eyes are soft despite the bite to his tone  

“Hello to you too” there’s no humor in Taylor’s voice at all  

“Why are you here B, love you dude but I’m really not up for it and especially not today” He knows what the visit means, knows she’s probably sent him to come check on him since all her text have stayed without an answer  

“Common, sit. I’ll make us both a cup of coffee and give those curls a trim, you can’t really see those charming brown eyes under all that unruly hair” Taylor exhales in defeat but moves to do as he’s told  

Once they are both more caffeinated Brian moves to stand behind him to start cutting his hair in a comfortable silence  

They stay like that for a while until Brian speaks again  

“She didn’t send me here if that’s what you’re thinking”, “I came on my own because you are my friend too and I’m worried about you, both of you” voice softer than he’s ever heard it, not a trace of its usual mirth, it tugs at Taylor’s heart.  

“I don’t want to tell you guys what to do, it’s not my place and I won’t do it”, “But I also, can’t keep pretending that I don’t worry about it” Brian’s hands stop on the hair to give Taylor’s shoulder a little squeeze  

“She’s done a lot of work on herself and seems better but there’s a sadness in her bones that’s hard to miss, one I think you know too well” understanding in his tone  

“And I get that what happened is far more complicated than I could ever begin to understand, but I also know that you still love her and she's never stopped loving you” the way he says it leaves no room for comment, not that there’s any, because he’s only telling the truth.  

“So maybe don’t give up on this just yet” Blue eyes looking at him with tenderness  

“I know, I know, I miss her so much” Taylor's voice gets chocked by the emotion  

And for the second time that week, he finds himself feeling like he’s a little kid again, tears flowing free as Brian tries to console him in the middle of his kitchen. 

 

<January 2019  

“Have you seen Hayley yet? Taylor asks not even trying to be subtle about it or run around the bushes, what’s the point anymore, he thinks he’s come to terms with the fact that he can’t stop loving her or caring no matter how hard he tries.   

“Just left her” Zac answers with a small smile at his best friend “I went over to her house earlier, we ate some vegan ice cream and watched cartoons” He tells him calmy, awaiting the words he really wants to say, but won’t allow himself “I haven’t seen her in a few days, and I've miss her you know?” he continues.   

Taylor let’s out a small sigh “That’s really good, yeah thanks for that” he says starting to ramble out of distress.   

“She’s told me what’s happened, not all of it but enough” Zac begins softly, a hint of understanding to his eyes and maybe also resolve? The expression reminds Taylor distinctly of a conversation they had months ago, when he had poured his heart out to him after their first night in Manchester left him unable to keep his feelings for her inside anymore.   

“She knows that she’s hurt you bad, but she’s trying Taylor, she really really is. you have to give her some grace” Voice laced with tenderness and lacking any of its usual playfulness.   

“I love you, Taylor. You are my best friend in the world, but so is Hayley.” He makes long pause before he speaks again, because contrary to what his fun demeanor suggests, Zac’s not afraid to tell it how it is, especially not to Taylor.   

“You’re being too harsh and is messing her up” eyes scanning his face to try to get through to him, “You know she never meant what she said, she’s never truly thought of you that way and also, you out of all people know how much damage he did to her” Zac’s voice is firm and pointed, leaving no room for him to comment back.   

Taylor swallows thickly, the lump in his throat making it hard to talk, “I know I've hurt her and I hate myself for that” head hanging low in sadness “and you are right, I knew she didn’t mean it the moment I left that hotel room. I'm doing my best Zac; we fucked it up so bad” his voice gets choke up with emotion.   

“I'm not ready to see her again and pretend it didn’t mess me up. I don’t trust myself to approach without hurting her more” he tells him in an attempt to convey all the feelings he has.   

At that, Zac drops a hand to his back rubbing up and down to console him and Taylor couldn’t guess what his face looks like right now, but something must give away the weight of his turmoil, because when he turns to look at him again, Zac’s eyes display only one emotion, empathy, He looks at his best friend with deep deep empathy.   

“It’ll be ok T” he tries softly to reassure him “You guys will work it out somehow, I'm sure”.   

“How do you know though? we fucked up pretty bad “Taylor asks defensibly and more accusatory than he would have liked, but he’s just so tired of running on false hope.   

“Because this is Hayley. You’ve love her since the first time you saw her, and she’s not stopped loving you, not even for a second” Zac finishes for him.   

 

<December 27, 2018  

He throws the comforter off of his body harshly and moves his arm over to the side table to grab his phone letting his anger and desperation sustain him to press her name on the screen initiating the call.   

“T? Hello? Taylor?” Hayley answers urgently, after just one ring.   

Taylor’s blood rans cold at the sound of Hayley’s voice for the first time in his life.   

What was he expecting? For Her to ignore him like he’s done for the past month? she is a better person than him, Taylor thinks. Although they are both in the deepest of shit about what’s happened, He knows she’s trying. Zac’s told him she´s started therapy again, intensive one and she’s tried time and time again to get a hold of him and apologize. All he’s done is built the tallest wall to keep her and everyone away. Getting off on the pain.   

He stammers for a moment, opening and closing his mouth, like he's forgotten how to speak to begin with. He doesn't trust himself to say anything kind to her right now, and his mind is spinning so fast he feels like throwing up.   

“T?” she asks again, quieter this time but still desperate, sounding out of breath, like she’s run to answer the call. Or maybe she’d simply been thinking about him, too.    

Taylor releases a painful shaky breath into the phone, knowing very well that Hayley can hear it. It’s all he can give without being cruel and he regrets dialing her in the first place, so he does them both a favor and hangs up the phone, in hopes that She can’t hear the whole-body cry that takes over him.   

Hayley calls again within seconds, insistent as ever, yet she still gets no answer from him and when his body has stopped shaking so hard, he makes a mental note to get rid of her contact photo later, because she looks prettier than on any of his stupid memories and that fucking hurts too much right now, There’s a ticking sound from a notification and Taylor blinks at his phone once before turning off, moving back to lie on the bed again.   

VOICEMAIL FULL     

“I’m fucking done, T. I can’t do this anymore. I wish you would just come over and say it to my face, say that I was a mistake. I’m…shit, I’m going mad from missing you, I went to my mom’s, and she had a photo the first day we moved to Franklin, it was on your birthday! even then you were part of me... please, if you…if you think we can try again, please, just tell me, if there’s any chance, we can work it out. I mean, I’m…you didn’t return any of my calls, and now…I just need to know where you stand, and I can handle it if you want to move on or hate me. But I just…for what it’s worth, that’s not what I want. At all. I completely fucking…I fucked up, okay? and I’m sorry, I’m sorry I don’t make sense and I know that I’m rambling, but I need to get it off my chest because It’s hard to even breath when you’re not here, and it makes everything feel kind of pointless. We need…I want to come up with a way to talk about it please. So. Just call me, alright? I lo…Fuck. I miss you. I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry, I’m so so so sorry”.   

 

<Late November 2018      

It was still dark outside, and he is almost afraid to check the time. It had been a while since he’d been torn from sleep by the sheer heaviness of his emotions, but he already knows that he’s likely awake for good.    

After a few more minutes of intentional stillness putting on his best efforts, he rolls back onto his side and reaches for his phone in defeat.   

Nashville had been fucked up and wrecked on his mind. After he’d come back from Los Angeles the night before on the worst flight of his life, Taylor had the horrible realization that his house was exactly how he’d left it, never mind the reminders of her like every demon on his head come to life. Sadly, this felt like the perfect welcome home for his current situation.   

Every surface was untouched, cushions flawlessly aligned on his couch and the room dreadfully quiet without her laugh. His haunted house is perfect to avoid real life for a while Taylor think, he has everything he’d ever need to just barely make it by.    

He unlocks his phone just to twist the knife, the phone screen surely making fun of him with how bright Hayley’s green eyes were shining at him on the picture. It’d been taken not even two weeks ago and the heart ache he feels it’s so physical so deep within his body, he now can fully understand what people mean when they talk about broken hearts, because no matter how hard he stares at the picture Taylor can’t for the life of him recognize either of those two people smiling at each other.   

There’s an obscene number of unread texts and missed calls and voicemails, awaiting his reply, but what good would those do to him now? He has the empty haunted house to keep him company now, he doesn't need anyone's pity words.   

He feels nothing.   

Might be because of the late evening hours or the mindless 2 hour scroll through pointless YouTube videos, he’s not sure, but when Taylor finally feels his eyelids begin to droop some hours later, he knows he’ll wake up farther below water than he’s been in a long time, the lack of air already making his lungs burn.   

3 days later    

“My god, you’re such a pain in my ass,” Taylor growls into the phone. “There, I answered. Can you leave me alone now?” voice louder and harsher than it’s ever been towards his caller.   

When he wakes up in the middle of the night this time, it’s not because of his anxiety, but out his own stupidity for not turning his fucking phone to silent and his brother incessant persistence to get a hold of him that seems to have no end.   

“Absolutely not,” Justin says sharply. “Where in the world have you been Taylor!? You have everyone worried sick.” He tells him more serious than Taylor’s ever heard Him. The distinctive tone to his voice leaves no room for interpretation, this is Justin out of all his patience.   

“I’m sure,” he says sarcastically, “Stop the search party. I’m alive. And I would love to go back to sleep in the quiet of my own fucking house if you all be so kind” He’s aware that he’s acting like a spoiled teenager and that his brother does not deserve it at all, but Taylor can’t find it in himself to care at the moment.   

“Wait!” his brother tries softer this time “Taylor, don’t do this, please Talk to me.”   

He takes a deep frustrated breath before answering "About what? what’s there for me to say anymore”   

“Have you talked to Hayley; do you know where she is? Did you guys get into a fight?” Justin attempts, not really understanding what’s going on, but for the most part catching on by now.   

“Sure.”   

“Tay-“   

“It’s over! Alright? Happy?” he interrupts in defeat “We were fine, more than fine even, and then we were not. And now she’s gone.” He’s aware that he’s not making any sense with his words and certainly not being fair to Justin who’s rightfully worried, this is far from his brother’s fault, if at all, he needs to get off the phone.   

“Taylor, look I didn’t...” Justin starts sounding wounded and quieter now   

“It doesn’t matter,” He cuts in. “It really doesn’t. Not much I can do about it now” Voice more calm but so full of sadness.   

“Do you want to talk about it?” his brother tries for the last time, yet his tone suggest he knows the answer already “I just…are you okay? You haven’t sounded like this in- “   

“I’m fine,” Taylor Finishes    

He didn’t need to add any more, they both knew the words weren’t true.    

“I’ll call you soon” he tells him for the last time, taking advantage of Justin’s silence to end the call.   

 

<Mid November 2018  

The morning of their last day in LA, Taylor wakes up alone.  

It’s the first time in over a week that his bed is empty and he can admit to himself that it sucks, but there’s a sense of relieve at the fact that the scent of Hayley still lingers on the pillow next to him and the space besides him looks truly slept in.  

The room is quiet (too quiet for his liking), which is not what he was expecting since they didn’t have anything planned for the day, and the night before had been a long one, enjoying their time at a bar before they had to go back home. He rolls over to try and find his phone to call her, when he feels something rough and crumbled under his cheek.  

He turns the paper over, feeling a sense of warmth take over his body at the sight of the familiar messy handwriting, he could recognize anywhere.  

Just because I know you’re already panicking; I left a note. went to get us some coffee and breakfast around the corner. See you soon sexy, don’t miss me too much. xx  

Taylor can’t help the smile that takes over his face at how well they know each other, how she thoughtfully left him a note so he wouldn't worry like she knew he would.  

When he finds his phone on the floor just a short distance away from his discarded jeans, his smile grows wider but for other reasons, remembering exactly how all his clothes ended up in a pile at the foot of the bed.  

He’s still thinking about it as he dials her, reminiscing about the way her cold fingers undid his belt in desperation as they stumble through the door, how her green eyes shone so vividly in the dimness of the poorly lit bedroom, the devilishly smile Hayley gave him before they got lost in each other, drunk on something much stronger than the drinks they’d had, drunk on each other.  

“Good morning sleepy head”  

Her voice filters into his ear sweet like honey, only adding to the images swirling in his head, and he wishes she was beside him right now, so maybe they could forget about the world outside again, and Taylor curses quietly at Hayley’s new found love for early mornings.  

“Sleepyhead? It’s not even eight Hayles, are you on your way back? miss you terribly, don’t know what you’ve done to me, is like I'm addicted, miss everything about you”  

“I’m rounding the corner as we speak, hang in there my early morning poet” she says playfully, but her breathing is uneven and he knows his words get to her, much as she tries to hide it.  

“I can hear you pouting even through the phone, is really cute... hangover Taylor is adorable”  

“You should’ve woken me up and I’d gone with you, or we could’ve gone later and start the morning doing something less cute, I hate it when you’re not here after we fall asleep together”  

He can hear her laugh, and pictures the way her cheeks have probably turned pink from their conversation, had it not been Hayley on the other side of this call, Taylor might’ve felt nervous about telling someone all of that, aware that he’s coming off as needy and quite clingy even to his surprise. But is not like that between them, not at all and he’s so comfortable with her, he doesn’t need to overthink stuff like that, because he knows it goes both ways and the next words from her only confirm that, sending a lovely warmth to his heart.  

“I know” she says softly “I love watching you wake up slowly, you always smile when you see me, maybe I can make it up to you later” Hayley says, surely trying to melt him.  

“Maybe” Taylor says with his voice full of longing, “And of course I smile, you’re quite the sight to have, first thing in the morning” he’s about to ask if she’s there but hears the door open and goes sleepily to the other side of the room to go help her with the bags.  

“Hey” he tells her in a soft voice, taking the cups from her hand  

“Hi” she says with a smile, following him back to the small kitchen of the rental, as soon as he sets the cups down, Hayley’s tugging him by the arm “you’ve not greeted me properly”  

Taylor gives her a smirk, because there’s so much longing in her voice and he rejoices in the sharp intake of breath that comes out of her when he pulls her close, his hand dropping to her waist skimming her sides softly before tilting her jaw for a better angle and finally putting his lips to hers in an insisting kiss that leaves them both with goofy grins after. They separate reluctantly but don’t stay too far from one another, sitting on the small kitchen table to have their food.  

“Is there something you wanted to do today? the flight isn’t until late in the night, so we have a couple hours” Taylors says in between chews  

“I’m down for whatever, but let’s do something fun, like let’s do something really touristy that we never get to do because we’re only ever in LA for work” Hayley says in an excited tone  

“ok” he tells her with a laugh, watching her scroll through her mind to come up with a plan  

“Venice beach?” Taylor asks  

“naa too crowded”  

“Hollywood sign?”  

“Too boring”  

“Disney land?”  

“We don’t have enough time” Hayley pouts  

“You need to help me out here babe, I'm running out of options” he says in a serious, talk show host voice  

“dork”  

“Let’s go to the art museum, the one from that movie where Ashton Kutcher gets her carrots on the first date !!” she suggests loudly "I've always wanted a picture with those street lights” and she’s half expecting some push back, because is far from their rental and it’ll take them a bit to get there, in horrific LA traffic, but it never comes.  

“Ok”  

“Ok?” he nods, and it settles in a weird way in the pit of her stomach, Taylor must notice the change in mood from her, so he asks.  

“If you want to go, we can, but if you’ve changed your mind that’s fine too. You spent three hours with me at amoeba like a champ, I don’t mind doing something you want to do, even if the traffic is going to suck” he tells her, reading some of her thoughts, but it’s all just a bit much at times for Hayley, adjusting to a partner that’s actually a partner, not someone who guilts her into doing or not doing things but the opposite, someone who genuinely cares about her interest, and what will make her happy.  

“No, I want to, sorry just had a moment” Hayley says quietly in embarrassment  

“Don’t be it’s fine. So, we have our plans, and is a drive, should probably hop in the shower if we want to leave soonish” he tells her, dropping a kiss to her forehead and making his way to the bathroom to get ready. Leaving her drowning in her thoughts.

Xxxx 

They have a nice day, walking around the street lights from the movie hand in hand, and Hayley does get the picture she wanted (he even gets her some carrots, to make it more legit), They have lunch at a small café, where they do get recognized and she starts to silently panic in her head thinking that Taylor might get mad or stress about it, but he manages the situation so amazingly she’s left speechless.  

“Hi, welcome to... OMG! You are Hayley Williams and Taylor York from Paramore!” comes the voice from the overly excited college girl whose eyes grow wide at the sight of them.  

“That we are” Taylor with a small smile, much more composed than hers, who’s having a freak out in her mind but doing her best to not show it.  

“I’m such a big fan! Your music changed my life...” she bables for a moment, they politely decline a picture (not wanting to tint this moment that’s just theirs) and the girl leaves but eyes them from one side to the other (probably because of how intimately they’re sat together), she doesn’t say anything, but Hayley can’t feel the weight of her dirty look, when Taylor moves her bangs out of her eyes lovingly.  

Again, weird feeling on the pit of her stomach. Because, he can’t be that oblivious, right? The girl was absolutely hitting on him (rightfully so, look at him!), yet that’s not what bothers her the most, it more about Taylor’s reaction at the whole situation. He didn’t it give the girl one look, preoccupied, giving Hayley all of his attention, and damn her mind, for making it a big deal instead of taking it for what it is, him not being interested on the waiter, but no that’s not the way her brain works apparently, and trauma can be a heartless bitch, Afterall he never made it obvious that he was interested in anyone else, yet still managed to fuck everyone in town behind her back.  

They finished their lunch quickly and Hayley can feel his worried looks on the car, but Taylor gives her space, maybe sensing the turmoil going on inside her and waiting for her to sort her thoughts out.  

Once again, fuck her mind because she doesn’t know what to do with the space. She’s never had that before and it’s driving her mad, that after her obvious freak out, all Taylor is doing is being understanding, because sadly full blown out fights and screaming matches over her closing off is what she’s come to expect, that’s all she’s ever known.  

When they get to the rental, she stays quiet, brushing off his brown eyes looking at her in concern, with fake smiles. Hayley sits on the bed in silence scrolling mindlessly on her phone, not sure what else to do, while Taylor finishes packing for their flight.  

The fear that someday he might wakeup and realized she's too much trouble to bear, was a dark cloud that seemed to follow her around no matter how hard she tried to shake her thoughts and as if her own body wasn’t hers, she’s the one poking the bear, asking for it, unable to just let it go.  

“The waitress at lunch was intense” Hayleys says and he doesn’t catch the hint of anger at first  

“Guess so, she was nice enough, not crazy or disrespectful when we declined the picture” Taylor answers nonchalantly, still folding his clothes, hearing her annoyed huff of air but not wanting to engage.  

“You mean she was pretty” she tells him in a way that makes him think it was the comment she was fishing for and if he’d known it would sour her mood, he wouldn’t have said anything at all.  

“Is that what I said?” he challenges, a bit tired of this already, because he’s only human and even though he is completely and absolutely in love with her, and understand why she’s doing this, Taylor can only take so much and he’s not about to get into something with her just to end up even more lost than before, he won’t put himself through that type of relationship again, not even for Hayley.  

“No… but”  

“Then maybe I meant she was nice”  

“Right” she tells him harsher than intendent, boiling even more annoyance into Taylor’s body, who gives her a defeated sigh.  

“What do you want me to say Hayley? she was pretty “he admits making her head snapped up, “But so are you. More than pretty, You’re...”  

“I just… I don’t know Taylor, maybe I want you to just say it, say that she was pretty and she was hitting on you because you know is true” she says angrily, and Taylor realizes there’s no getting through to her on this one.  

“And is fine, but let’s not kid ourselves, because we both know that you can think I’m pretty but I’m more troubled than is worth it” she keeps going, so he does the only thing that makes sense to him, removing himself from the situation, to go have a smoke, needing some space of his own, but instead of doing what he hoped it would (give Hayley some time to cool down), it only serves as fuel to make her blood boil and she’s up from the bed in a second, telling him off for leaving her there talking to herself.  

He promised himself a long time ago that he would never fall back into this game again, and so there’s really no other choice but to rely on the one emotion that seems to have broken through his daze...  

Rage.  

He’d known the second he walked away that she wouldn’t let him go far, and Taylor is suddenly grateful for it. At least now he has someone to lash out on and his anger isn’t left to eat him from the inside out  

He’s barely rounded the corner into the small Hall when Hayley advances towards him and he can hear her voice calling after him.  

He can’t even say it, can’t really wrap his mind around it. Even though the proof had stared him in the face less than a moment ago, it still feels like he’s narrating something that’s happened to someone else, that for all the efforts he’s made to show her time and time again how much he’s not going anywhere, she still doesn't trust him And he desperately wants to reach out and touch her, but his fists stay curled at his sides, afraid that touching her will somehow solidify this even more and he’s not ready for that.  

“Turns out I don’t know anything, and if you won’t talk to me or let me in, then I don’t know why you came after me”  

“You really expected me to just let you run off like this?”  

Taylor hates just how plainly true her words are, that an hour ago he wouldn’t have questioned her decision to follow him, knows that Hayley would be the first person chasing after him, for better or worse.  

But it’s not an hour ago, and well  

“I expected a lot of things” it falls out of him way too easily for how weighted it is.  

The way her eyes have darkened leaving barely any green and the resolute way she stands like she doesn’t seem to want to budge on this does nothing but fuel his anger.  

“Don’t go there, T.”  

“Where, Hayley? To the place where after all we’ve been through you still don’t know what kind of man I am?”  

“It’s not like that and you know it “  

This time he does glance at her, and though the guilt is very evident in her darkened green gaze, it can’t quite break through the barrier that now exists between them.  

“Yeah, I get it, okay”  

His hands slip from his pockets, and it’s like he finally remembers he can move; that he isn’t rooted to this spot breathing the same air as her and he moves towards her, extending his hand.  

“Do you really think so little of me?,that I would do the same he did to you?”  

He tries in a softer tone, but none of it, not his request nor the evident worry in his voice can really erase the demons swimming in her head, there’s a prolong silence as he drops his hand in defeat and Hayley wishes that she could turn off her brain  

That she could accept the truth in front of her, despite the feelings of inadequacy and jealousy and abandonment she had thought she’d moved passed.  

But that’s not the reality they live in, and the weight of all the harm her ex-husband had done to her mind is not something that goes away easily  

“It doesn’t matter now, does it?” She looks somewhere past his right shoulder, trying to focus her blurring vision on something other than Taylor’s face as he steps even closer.  

“What the hells does that mean?”  

He gazes down at her, body tilting as though he wants to shake the answer out of her, and it makes her heart clench painfully.  

She doesn’t want to say it but there’s no way around it now, not any that she can see anyway.  

“It’s over Taylor, this between us is over, can’t you see? you know I would do anything for you, you know I love – “  

And then the hurt comes, sucking all the air out of his lungs and leaving only the feeling of needles behind, even as Hayley's hand suddenly lands warm on his cheek to try and soften the blow  

“Don’t” he mouths, hand still pressed to the side of her neck, and he hates that he can feel how frantically her pulse races, giving credence to his every word.  

“Don’t you dare use this as an opportunity to tell me that”  

“Why not? It’s how I feel, and I told you a week ago that I was done hiding it, this has nothing to do with you”  

She takes the opportunity to wrap her fingers around his wrist, and Taylor knows it’s meant to be a comforting gesture, but all it does is weigh him down, forcing him to confront things he doesn’t want to, but there’s no dancing around it anymore.  

“So, is that it then? A few months is all we get”  

“I guess so”  

She says it so quietly, for a moment, Hayley wonders if he’s heard her, but the deep, frustrated exhale that prickles her skin confirms that her words haven’t been drowned out by the fury around them.  

Or maybe it’s the fury coming from within, a byproduct of the stubbornness that Hayley seems to embody the longer they face off against each other.  

“Look if what you need is time ... “  

And maybe she does, but it’s not what she can admit to right now. Not with her heart beating this hard and her mind going miles an hour at what’s she’s just done  

And it’s all suddenly too much.  

“No, what I need is for you to please don’t hate me” voice cracking after every word  

“Hayley... “  

She takes a step towards him again and it might be in this moment that he decides he loves her the most. Loves her for all the light and all the darkness she’s made of.  

But it’s too late, and they both know it.  

“Just leave it, Taylor. I’m not your problem to fix.”  

And she knows what he hears is I’m not yours to fix; maybe I’m not yours at all.  

The world seems to go silent then, almost as if the sadness in both hearts breaking in that hall has suck all the noise around them  

And she can spot the moment that Taylor finally admits defeat; can see how it deflates his shoulders and draws the tension out of his muscles as he runs a hand through his hair and kicks at the floor under his shoes.  

“You know, I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t in love with you.”  

The quiet admission is so matter of fact, so honest, it should send her heart soaring but paired with the absolute devastation adorning Taylor’s gaze, it feels more like a punch to the gut.  

“But I’m not chasing after you, Hayley. You either want me, want this or you don’t. So, which is it?”  

And Hayley wants to say that she does, she does want him, because she feels the same way, has always felt the same way, but her demons keep her mouth bitterly shut and her throat tight, and...  

Taylor seems to realize it just a second before she does, he’s always been good at reading her and her heart plummets to her stomach as he steps back from her.  

“Got it”  

He doesn’t give her much time to contemplate before stuffing his hands in his pockets and spinning around to leave the room.  

And for the first time in many, many months, Hayley feels truly alone.  

 

...

“How about we try not to kill each other?” 

The softness in his gaze is what ultimately gets her, and she leans up to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth innocent, chaste, and perhaps the most important one they’ve shared. 

At least it feels that way with how Taylor’s looking down at her, and she smiles widely in agreement. 

“I’m game, if you are”  

 

 

Notes:

Ps. yes, Innordinary was technically the chapter that should follow but as of now, i've taken it out of this book. I know I don't have to explain myself but, although that is my favorite song from FFV, is one that stirs a lot of feelings for me, in many way I feel like a could write so many words but those feelings aren't always comfortable and after trying for a while to edit that piece of work and getting so stuck, I decided it was best to not force it, plus waiting for that was getting in the way of me posting these two other chapters that were already done. Perhaps i'll come back to it later or not come back to it at all, but for now here we are.

Chapter 13: No use I just do

Summary:

in English we say: "I love you."
but in poetry we say: "I see you everywhere, in the stars, in the river, to me you're everything that exists; the reality of everything."

Notes:

Ughh have you guys seen all the cute tayley videos from the last couple of shows? those two have me in a chokehold!!! and to think we didn't believe it could get better than the baby moments from last year!!! oh how wrong we were :))))))))))
Emx

Taylor feels a deep ache on his bones the type that only comes from standing too long or exercising too hard, muscles so sore that even blinking feels like an effort. His body ache seems to have no ending it follows him from the moment he wakes up till the very last minute of every one of his days, a constant companion.  

To say that 2016 was the fucking worst year of his life was the understandment of the century.

He felt like laughing sometimes out how much anger he had managed to boil in just six months because he thinks he could probably win a world record for it. yeah, this year couldn’t end fast enough. There was only one other emotion that could take over for him, one that left all the others behind like an afterthought. Worry, deep deep worry.  

He’s gone to his kitchen to find them a drink, hours of working on the same demo leaving them both exhausted. She’s doing her best; he can see that and he’s so fucking grateful that somehow, he was able to get through to her, that he found a way to make her see a tiny spark of light, because honestly Taylor was getting desperate, blood running cold as he could see Hayley sinking more and more. 

He’s been not doing better than her though, not by any means if his frequent panic attacks are any indication and he’s aware how the rule goes; put your mask on first, but at the moment his own needs are overshadow by trying to get Hayley back. Back from that dark little place she can’t seem to find her way out of. 

And he might be the biggest idiot in the world because she has someone, she has a husband and although Taylor hates his guts, can’t stand even hearing his name in conversation, he’s the one that should be digging her out of this black hole but surprise surprise all he’s done is pile on the dirt on top of Hayley, sinking her further down if that’s even possible.  

Taylor just doesn't care anymore.

Doesn't care about the pointed angry texts his own girlfriend sends any time she hears that Hayley's spend the night too tired to drive home after their heavy loaded conversations, doesn't care about the dirty looks her husband gives him when he shows up early morning to their house to take her out for breakfast because he knows she’s not eating well, doesn't give a fuck anymore about how much of a fool he’s making of himself when she eventually goes back to him at the end of the night. No Taylor doesn't care about any of that anymore, not when she’s getting better, not with how genuine her laugh was just moments ago as they tried for the third time to demo the same song. 

He’ll keep doing anything to get Hayley back, even if it’s bit by bit.  

“Hayles…” Taylor’s voice almost warns, his eyes don’t move from her feet as he speaks, glue to her old dirty yellow vans as she’s standing proudly just inches away from a freefall.   

While he’s gone to get them some tea, Hayley went out to the roof of his house where they usually sit for hours just talking. The sun is setting behind her making the newly yellow dyed hair positively glow and she’s standing so close to the edge is making Taylor's breathing pick up and his heartbeat go faster.  

“Come stand with me?” She offers her hand causing her back to arch at the spine. With arms tossed out to her sides and her hair blowing in the wind she looks like a child lost in summer and ready to fight the ocean.   

Taylor strides forward but does not bring himself too close to the edge. Even with Hayley further up the roof giving her some leverage, he’s still taller than her, small smile tugging at his lips. He didn’t need to tempt fate to see just how far off the ground they were. It was evident; you could barely see below.  

“Get down, please?” he tells her softly but firm, reaching for her arm already feeling the danger but a breath away and as Hayley looks over her shoulder, her smile falters when she sees Taylor frozen posture.

“Wait” She pauses and her expression intensifies. “Are you afraid of heights T, you’ve never said so before?” she asks him curiously. 

“They’re not my favorite” he tells her gently. “I’m afraid of you falling” Taylor admits quietly, because really, he’s not as scared of the altitude of his roof as he is of her miss stepping and falling down. 

“Nah, I wouldn’t” she says in a playful tone, one she used to have a long time ago, reserved for when she did shit like this just to get to him.  

“Or pushing me” he offers this time with a laugh, doing his best to lighten the mood.   

It seems to work, and Hayley chuckles too. “If anyone is pushing anyone, I think it’d be you pushing me, no?” she says mindlessly, and she’s not trying to, but it sets him on edge, nonetheless.   

“I don’t want to...how could you even…” Taylor starts to say rambling out of all the thoughts he could give her as to why he never would, but she cuts him off before he can keep going  

Hayley’s smile only grows at that. “Me neither. So maybe...will you sit with me instead?”  

She doesn't wait for him, as she steps down off the ledge but only so she can move to kneel and then sit inviting him to settle next to her as she moves her eyes to the sunset in front of her.  

“Now’s as good a time as any” Hayley suggests with fingers that curl around the roof tiles she’s sat on. “I’d be very easy to push” she tells him jokingly trying to ease the tension she’s brought to him, feeling a bit guilty now.   

Taylor rolls his eyes and shifts, almost too quickly, dropping down beside her. “Don’t say stupid shit like that,” he groans.   

And Hayley can only smile at him, the action causing actual pain to her cheeks and doing wonders to relax him. 

A breeze blows hard fluttering her dress, the roof rocking as he tries to get more comfortable next to her.  

“Here,” he offers, shrugging out of his jacket to give it to Hayley making her smile softly at him.  

“Thanks,” she breaths out as Taylor wraps it around her tenderly, the hem hitting her knees and the dirty roof behind where they are sat, she moves closer dropping her head to his shoulder still looking ahead to the sky.  

“Thanks for everything T, I know I've not been the best company as of late, but you don’t know how much you’ve done for me” she says wrapping her arms around his bicep “don’t really know what I'd do without you” she finishes 

And because he just doesn't give a fuck anymore, Taylor leans down to drop a kiss to her forehead making her sigh out loud, the sound tugging at his heart.  

“No need to thank me Hayley, I don’t know what I'd do without you” she tightens her arms around him at his words. 

They stay there just watching the colors change in the sky and all Taylor can think about is that he’s so so fucked, because there’s not point denying anymore, at least not to himself. He’s in love with her, always has been and probably always will be.  

-Summer 2016

 

Nobody wants to be alone  
But that is not why I want you  
See, I have tried  
And I keep trying  
But baby it's no use, it's no use, I just love you  

“No, like this.”  

There’s a circle beginning to congregate around the tiny blonde, groups of mutual friends as they all snicker and laugh amongst one another. And he watches from a few feet away, peering over someone’s shoulder.   

The bottle of tequila in her hand misses the tiny shot glass she’s set up on the bar, creating a bit of a small puddle on the counter before she manages to get a bit into the glass. And the salt isn’t too far behind; Hayley giggles beneath her breath as she freckles it atop her hand. Her tongue sweeps up the salt, before her lips meet the shot glass and polish off the alcohol.  

Taylor’s face scrunches up in amusement, maybe even a little bewilderment, because by now he’s sure he’s seen her down nine shots. ten, if she’d helped herself to another while he went to the bathroom. And he doesn’t know whether to be impressed by her unmatched stamina, or concerned about the amount of liquor she’s consumed in just a few hours; all while he’s still nursing the same bottle of beer he’d been offered when he first showed up.   

“Voila!” Hayley hiccups, chair swaying as she loses her balance trying to stand.   

It’s about then that he decides to interfere, realizing it’s the appropriate time for his favorite trouble maker to call it a night and head home. He can see it in her eyes; how they’re even a little bloodshot. She can’t finish a sentence without a few hiccups interrupting, and he thinks that if she were to take her hand off that bar stool, she’d fall face first onto the wood of the floor.   

He’s got no problem politely shouldering his way through a couple people, setting his glass aside as he lets a hand settle on her shoulder. But Hayley doesn’t notice, too wrapped up in a conversation with someone else. So, he gives it a slight squeeze, smile wide when her green eyes light up upon turning to face him.   

“Is time to head home, yeah?” his voice is mellow, and she can tell he hasn’t nearly drank as much as she has.   

Taylor can’t help but laugh when she frowns at him, even pouting a little, insisting that she's just fine. The curly haired man raises his eyebrows at her, almost like he’s telling her that it is time. One more drink and she’ll likely be on her ass, black out drunk and sick to her stomach.   

“Let’s stay out longer” Hayley giggles, throwing her arm out to further her point, “the night is young!”  

“Mmm,” he hums, looping an arm around her waist to keep his best friend from tripping, “not for you, it’s not”   

He has to physically maneuver her into the lift, instructing her to place her feet on the small space, both of his hands being put to work, one on her back and the other on her arm, making sure she’s standing still before he lets the doors close, pressing the number to their floor, as he hears Hayley hum sloppily to a song she’s got stuck in her head, wiggling ridiculously from side to side.  

“Taylor York is taking me home” she chirps sweetly, peeking over at her curly haired best friend who playfully shakes his head, “i’m so lucky”   

He takes kindly to her teasing, a chuckle slipping out, “You are really drunk, is what you are Hayles!”   

All but a shrug is her response, exhaling contently before she sinks into the tight hold of his arms around her, eyelids fluttering shut on and off until the lift comes to a stop.   

More than once her eyes find their way over to Taylor, resting on his face. Hayley tries to keep her stares brief so they go unnoticed. Even sloppy drunk like this, the tiny blonde is doing her best in order to keep her modesty.   

The bright lights from the corridor manage to sweep nicely across his face, giving her a sweet glimpse of his side profile. Shitty lighting like this couldn’t hurt the color of his eyes; a warm amber color. So, inviting and kind that sometimes she feels the need to look away from them, like when he is speaking to so passionately about music and the tiny blonde feels herself starting to gawk at him, so much so that within seconds she’s completely tune out the words coming from his mouth, all of her attention concentrated in his eyes.   

Each time he licks his lips, tongue swiping across the bottom before disappearing again, Hayley swears she wants to die. Especially when he bites them, eyes squinting because it’s dark and he’s muttered a dozen times, at least, about how shitty the lights on this hall are.  

“Gonna walk you in” and now he’s standing at the foot of the lift extending his hand with a tender look on his eyes. “Come on”   

Hayley gladly obliges, throwing her hand out to grab Taylor’s arm as he makes the transition from the lift to the hallway as easy as it possibly could be. Even with his guidance, arm back to her waist, he manages to teasingly mock her when the tiny blonde slip up on her heels and nearly stumble backwards.   

And the small walk up to her door seem to be no cake walk, either, as she stubs her toe on the very first step and digs her heel into the front of his shoe. Not that he minds, he graciously accepts Hayley’s slurred apology before he tightens up the hold, he’s got on her frame.    

“Look so pretty” she mewls, head cocked to the side, “under these lights”   

It's no use, I just love you  
It's no use, I just love you  

“Is that you saying that?” he snickers, jamming her key into the lock before nudging the door open with his knee, “or the drinks?”  

“Both” Hayley hiccups, and he smiles, “Nice eyes too, pretty pretty eyes”   

“You are not doing my racing mind much good, Hayles”   

It’s almost like word vomit. Her blonde brain has officially disconnected itself from her mouth, courtesy of the alcohol, and the words come out uninvited before Hayley’s mind has the decency of telling her to stop.   

Because Taylor is who he is, he can’t find it in him to drop her in her room and head off himself. Which is why he’s got her arm slung over his shoulder, carrying most of Hayley’s weight up the room, doing his best to deliver her to bed. And along his way he lets his hand graze a few light switches, casting a light across the best features of his face, enough of an invitation to permit her green eyes to stay glued to him every step.   

Lips.  

It’s the only word that seems to constantly reoccur inside her head. His involuntary pout, how soft they look under the hallow lighting in this lonely hotel room; his lips in general. The tiny blonde watches them as he talks to her, wiggling her arm off him so she can plop down on the mattress. Hayley can’t even help but smirk when he smiles mid-sentence, can’t even help herself from talking even though she  definitely should stop.   

“You look so kissable right now, T”  

“Oh yeah?” he laughs, hands going to free her feet from the confines of her heels.   

“Mhm,” Hayley hum in response, propping herself up lazily with her hands, “kissable lips, wanna kiss them so bad”  

“Fucking drunk out of your mind, know that?”  

“And still, know very well how bad I wanna kiss you” She giggles, he freezes for a second the jokingly tone so confusing as he tries to find a home for her shoes at the foot of the bed, but she just keeps going and words send butterflies all over his tummy.  

 “Always wanna kiss you so bad, T”  

A conflicted sigh is really all Hayley gets before Taylor goes to peel back the duvet, rearranging a couple pillows in the process to ensure that she’s as comfortable as possible. He knows, even if she doesn’t yet, that a very unpleasant hangover awaits her bright and early the next morning.   

Hayley doesn’t change, either, not that it matters. He can already feel her succumbing to the slew of yawns and the weight of her eyelids as he pulls the sheets back over her, even if she’s still in jeans.   

“Sleeping over?” she inquires, his frame casting a shadow over the bed.  

“Want me to?” Hayley nods immediately at his question, readjusting her sleeping position to give him enough space.  

“alright”  

“So good to me” she sighs sweetly, and Taylor can’t help but smile on his way towards the bedroom door, his posture becoming rigid once Hayley keeps going with the confessions.  

“Probably why I’m so in love with you”   

Taylor’s hand briefly pauses over the door knob, brows completely knitted together. With an arch of his neck, he’s got a good glimpse of his favorite person completely passed put and nestled into the pillow. And for a minute, he wonders if he actually heard her right, staring at her a little longer as if though he’ll find an answer that way and yet the silence around them is deafening.  

In love with him.  

He ponders for minutes if he should just nudge Hayley back awake, asking her if she’s really said what she said; if she meant it. But that’d be cruel, pointless even, he thinks, and he decides that it’s a conversation that’ll have to be revisited in the morning, when all the alcohol has left their systems and they can’t really avoid these hard truths anymore.  

If I just wanted someone to hold
Then really anyone would do
I'd close my eyes and really try
Not to turn them into you, it's no use, I just love you

He has never been keen on sharing.  

And Justin’s mere existence, as well as the small indent on his left thumb he swears is a scar (though Taylor vehemently denies it is), is living proof.  

Mr Ducky was his favorite bath time companion for a good bulk of his childhood. There were even times he’d carry it around with him in the house tied to a string like a pet, one of Michelle’s fondest memories and favorite stories to tell whenever she found the opportunity.  

Maybe it was Justin’s own fault; he was only seven at the time and was foolishly under the impression that the stupid rubber toy was at anyone’s disposal, which is what led him to try and situate the duck in his backpack as he geared up for school.  

It’s also what led him to tears because Taylor caught his brother on the way out the front door, Mr Ducky in tow, and he instinctively sunk his teeth right into the side of his hand in protest. And, okay fine, he may have bit down a little harder than he should have, but the overall message he was sending came across very clear. Justin never touched anything he owned again for a very, very, long time; and eventually went on to tell everyone in his class he had a cannibal as a brother.  

“What do we think of this little number” her hip jut, innocent as it was, just now became a permanent memory in Taylor’s brain, “too much, like.. revealing?” 

She looks stunning in black; devilish, even, and in the best way possible. There’s nothing revealing about the dress at all. Somehow, though, he finds himself perched squeamishly at the foot of her bed in complete fucking anguish. In theory, no, the dress is not too much. It’s the perfect ensemble and flatters her so well he feels like whoever made the dress conjured it up with her specifically in mind.  

And no, it’s not too much, for literally anyone else except him. How is such a modest dress enough for him to think her up the way he is right now; bent over in front of him with her blonde hair wrapped tightly up in his palm while that dress lays in a sloppy ball by his feet.  

“Would be nice with the silver shoes” he mules, “like, those sandals you have yeah?”  

The way her green eyes light up, that same way they always do when her mind starts to move at light’s speed as she starts assembling a million different ideas into one, is enough to tug a grin onto his mouth.  

He didn’t really want to agree to this. When she’d texted first to ask, he ignored it, that way she’d have just carried on without him and he could blame a busy morning or an overrun nap on his delayed response time. It’s much easier to blame a missed text for no response. Of course it’s not in her nature to send a text, and he knew that already. So, it came as no surprise when he was bombarded by four phone calls. By the fifth one he had picked up, succumbing to his favorite vice and just the flat-out unfulfilled urge he had to hear her sweet voice at the other end of the phone. 

“Seriously T” her voice is like fucking honey, sweet and sullen like it always is, and he’s in euphoria listening to it as she pokes the sparkly earring through the lobe of her left ear, “it’s just, you know I don’t- I’m nervous and I appreciate you helping me do something as stupid as picking a dress, cause B is out with Kolten and I didn’t want to bother him today”  

“Is not stupid” he reassures, “you know I like spending time with you and you’ve been such a busy bee since we got home, it’s supposed to be time off Hayles” he jokes in a teasing tone. 

Cause is true. That’s the only thing that got him over here; and he rescheduled a zoom call just to sit in her bedroom for all of twenty minutes. Not one part of him regretted it, either. 

“I’m busy?” she teases, “coming from the curly haired man who has been out every day this week? ,‘sorry Hayles, at the bar playing pool with Chris’” 

Also true, he knows that, which is why he’s snickering at fault in response to her harmless teasing. He wouldn’t say it now, mainly because he doesn’t want to make it weird, but regardless of where he falls on the map, he somehow still finds a way to fit her in no matter what. Has never minded doing it, either.  

Twenty minutes isn’t enough. Maybe another twenty more could be a sufficient amount. That’s almost an hour, right? Forty minutes is almost a full hour with her and he’d love to get even that much. Or twenty more hours, even, would be that much better. It’s better for him to think of getting more time with her than to let his thoughts wander and remind him of where she’s getting ready to go off to.  

A date.  

It’s why he was so hesitant to come here. It’s hard enough as it is being a prisoner to his own thoughts, being around Hayley and not getting to interact with her the way he actually wants; kiss her the way he wants, touch her the way he wants, hold her and talk to her the way he wants. Adding a new element to the mix, another man getting access to his favorite blonde the way he wants, well that’s just mental warfare.   

She doesn’t know anything about it though. And thank God, because if his best friend could get a peek into his thoughts and see just a preview of what he thinks he almost knows for sure she’d ice him out in a heartbeat. He’s got the biggest soft spot for this charming trouble maker, has had it since they met, which is why he swallowed the massive-sized lump in his throat when she’d told him she needed help on an outfit for a date and b lined it over to her place. 

“Who’s this guy, anyways” He chimes, following her similar to that of a lost puppy as Hayley starts heading towards the staircase, “Like, what he looks like and stuff” 

Immediately after he asks, Taylor wishes he hadn’t.  

The way that pesky fucking lump reappears when she wiggles her eyebrows in response, stuffing her small hand into the leather purse in an attempt to fish out her phone. A simple response like ‘handsome’ or ‘he’s a nice guy’ would’ve sufficed for him. Seriously, that’s all he needed. What he didn’t need was an entire fucking slideshow of an above average looking guy. And he had a cool mustache, to boot, which really pissed the curly haired man off for some reason.  

“Should probably shave” he squints his eyes at the photo she's got propped right in front of his face, trying his hardest to act like he isn’t so fucking jealous of that mustache, “kinda looks like a squirrel on his top lip" 

“If I didn’t know you so well” Hayley tuts teasingly, “I’d think you’re being a dick” 

“You know me so well and still don’t think that?”  

He likes the way her laugh sounds, and it makes him happy that he said something amusing enough to drag it out of her. And the toothy smile Hayley pairs with it practically knocks the wind right out of him. Everything she does seems to wow him, corny as it sounds. It makes him feel so at ease, and the butterflies he gets each time gets him reminiscing to the days where he was just a kid and had the world's biggest crush on the girl who sat three rows ahead of him in grade school. He’s giddy and he doesn’t want her to leave for this date.  

It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you

For a second, he thinks about doing something elaborate; breaking his foot or faking an illness so that Hayley literally has no choice but to hang back and look after him. That’s selfish though, and honestly just crazy and super fucked up, so he opts out of that. But he doesn’t want her to go so bad he seriously considers it, especially as she starts sorting through the downstairs closet to find a coat that doesn’t clash with her shoes.  

He could just be honest.  

He could just tell her that he doesn’t want her to go, solely because he’s absolutely infatuated with her and for every hour he’s awake and functioning she manages to consume every thought he has. He could just be an adult and tell Hayley he’s got feelings for her that very much surpass a platonic, friendly demeanor. That might be a better way into persuading her to stay back with him than breaking his fucking foot.  

“Ok now wait a minute” he chokes, and there’s a painful twang that strikes his gut when the tiny blonde frowns, “gotta tell you something” 

“What” she groans, and he swears he would rather die right now than do anything else, “it’s the shoes, right? They make my calves look like I’m a running back, don’t they?”  

He wants to laugh but he thinks if he opens his mouth, he would projectile vomit everywhere. But the thought occurs to him that if he does that than it would be an excellent excuse for her to skip the date. Though, of course, he runs the risk of grossing her out and absolutely humiliating himself all in one go of it.  

So, he shakes his head no. In fact, Taylor loves the shoes, and they make her ankles look slender and really compliment her beautiful legs quite nicely. Still, he’s scrambling to string together a coherent sentence because his brain is working a lot faster than the muscles in his mouth are and it feels like someone just super glued his lips shut. 

“Speak now or forever hold your peace” She teases, and the cheeky wink Hayley shoots him over her shoulder just edges him even more if that’s possible at this point, “T” 

“I don’t want you to go on this date, Hayles”  

The curly haired man is well aware that he blurted that out in a way that he really, really, wish he hadn’t. Now the air in the room is stale and heavy, dense too, like someone just sucked all the air out and left the two of them here with nothing to inhale but words and unspecified tension.  

And he’s starting to get more anxious as Hayley’s playful manner dissipates. He can tell she’s puzzled not just be the demeanor of her face, but by the stance of her body because she’s letting her shoulders hang the way she does when she’s a little uncomfortable.  

“Oh” the tiny blonde breathes, and his chest starts sinking inward, “okay, I just- well why not? Do I not.. like, do I look bad or something?” 

“No” he coos, and he feels like the world's biggest asshole when she starts to frown, “No you don’t- Christ, Hayles you look amazing. You always look so fucking amazing. It’s just-” 

It's no use, I just love you

“What? What T?” she huffs, “what is it, then? Why wouldn’t you want me to go?” 

He’s really done it now. 

The proper thing to do would’ve just been to let her go, walk out with her and watch her drive off before he headed home himself. The proper thing to do would’ve been for him to just go home and think about Hayley on a date with someone other than himself, curled up in a ball watching a Friends episode he’s already seen four times while he felt sorry for himself. But that’s not what happened, and what he should’ve done was just broke the fucking foot like he initially thought to do. That would’ve been less agonizing than this.  

“Because” he’s frustrated now, not with Hayley but really just himself, “I should be taking you out. I'm absolutely in love with you, Hayles, and I don’t have a cool mustache but I could take you out on a date, and I want to so bad”   

There’s still that dense energy looming in the room, and his gut now too as he feels it winding up tightly in an anxious bundle of knots and twists. She’s not saying anything and the only thing he notices is that her breathing is vaguely staggered and she’s clutching onto that purse in her hand like he’s about to snatch it and run off. God, he should’ve just broken the foot!  

“Please don’t go out with him” and now, his voice is small, “think it might kill me” 

It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just do

It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you
It's no use, I just love you

"Excuse me " A sleep-soaked voice rings out in the still morning.  

It was a bit early, the sun just having risen and started to light up the sky in that deep but haze. She had a bit of trouble sleeping after having woken up to use the bathroom, the unfortunate habit of having any bit of disturbance of sleep making it nearly impossible to fall back asleep. 

Her beautiful partner had been sleeping soundly when she’d returned and Hayley had decided to move closer to the edge so her phone light didn't distract her. She’s browsing Pinterest, using her lack of sleep to pin things to her board for their new home which they were still in search for. They'd outgrown their modern house in the woods.  

"What?" The tiny blonde laughs, feeling his feet move near hers and hissing at the cold.  

"Christ, you're freezing!" Taylor grumbles, eyes bleary as he takes in her back and the illumination only her phone can make. "And it's way too fucking early to be doing anything. The bed time is sacred" He complains with a bit of snark, arms wrapping around her small frame and yanking her over to his side of the bed.  

Hayley yelps, the sudden movement making her phone drop on the carpet as she’s wrapped up in his arms like a snake crushing its meal. His arms have gotten particularly beefy lately, and it showed in the grip as she was met with a face in her neck. His body always did form perfectly right against her own, his arm definitely falling asleep after a while of being under her body but Taylor never dared to complain. If he could sleep inside of her skin, he probably would. Sleep time was valuable to him in the sense that she had no excuses to be away from him! 

"Cruel, cruel little thing. Taking away my allotted time with you, coming back to bed and letting that phone take away attention that could be spent on me." Hot fingers slip under her T-shirt, splaying over her stomach as he practically glues himself to her. Hayley is locked in his hold, making her laugh as she closes her eyes. He’s not done complaining yet, though. "Could have been like those vampire shows you like and stared at my beauty whilst I slept. Wasted opportunity, love" That has the tiny blonde sputtering out more giggles, shaking her head as she feels teeth nip her neck. "Oi! What was that for?" His playful mood was contagious. "Are you trying to be my own vampire now, T? Wanted me to creep on you and now you've turned the tables"  

"All's fair in love and creepy vampire moves. or something like that"  

 

Chapter 14: Find me here

Summary:

“Stop the car,” Hayley says as she finally turns her head around to give Taylor the coldest stare she can muster.
“I said stop the fucking car, T” now she’s shouting.
Taylor looks at her like he can’t quite believe what she’s asking him to do but a second later, he switches lanes and pulls to a stop on the side of the road.
Hayley is out of the car faster than lightening, breathing through her nose and exhaling the warm summer air as she looks up into the sky; silently begging the heavens to give her strength to deal with this man.
She hears his car door slam and then

“What the fuck’s the matter with you?” Taylor tells her a little too loud, and with an edge of anger that’s never been directed at her, not in a loooooong time.   

Notes:

This song is so beautiful, and to me it sums up tayley so well. The way they both have always just wanted to help each other be the best version of themselves is so sweet, but also, the fact H wrote this while they weren't together will always get to me :´). Went over this chapter and honestly I was so ok with how it was that my editing was very minimal, hope u enjoy and Happy tuesday or monday depending on where u are <3
Emx
TW* talks of mental health*

January 2017 

 

Hayley didn’t have much of a plan, or even a rough idea where she would be staying for the foreseeable future as she stood on the pavement outside her now ex-husband's house.   

It should have terrified her, but it was the first time she’d felt free in years.   

It was Taylor who had suggested that she call Brian and ask if she could stay with him. The curly haired man had offered for her to stay in his house while he was out of t own , but Hayley  didn’t want to be alone. That, and the idea of staying somewhere so surrounded by Taylor seemed like the wrong choice to make right now.   

Brian had been more than happy to welcome the tiny blonde  with open arms into h is home. H e had been over the moon to hear from her , and even happier to hear that she had finally ended things with that poor excuse of a man . The second she ’d arrived on his doorstep her friend had ushered her inside and enveloped Hayley  into a bone crushing hug.   

Yes, he was happy that she  had finally escaped the clutches of her shitty husband , but he was human enough to know that the whole ordeal had been incredibly overwhelming for his blonde friend  and that she was craving comfort.   

Later that evening the pair of besties were curled up on Brian’s sofa, wrapped in blankets and sharing a bottle of wine. Brian hadn’t asked her a single question all day about the break up. H e had allowed her   time to breathe and get her self set up in h is spare bedroom. It was hours later and Hayley just knew he was going to explode if she didn’t provide h im with some answers.   

“So, what happened after you left?” Brian had asked with curiosity in h is blue eyes. Hayley knew what he was hinting at.   

He had seen Taylor’s name flash up on her phone earlier that day while he was helping her unpack. Brian had tried to hide it, but he’d seen it nonetheless. Hayley expected he was checking in with her to make sure she had actually made it to his place and hadn’t turned around and gone crawling straight back to the ogre man. Hayley couldn’t blame him; the tiny blonde was also shocked that she hadn’t.  

“I called Taylor” she says with a small smile as she recalls the conversation she’d shared with him earlier that day.  

“Hi Hayles ” his voice sounded like liquid gold pouring straight from her phone and into the tiny blonde’s ear.  

“Hey you” she replied with a shaky breath. she could sense he was about to start talking, Hayley knew he would have questions as to why she w as calling.   

“I did it. I left.”  

A beat of silence passed between the two bandmates , as if neither of them could quite believe the words coming from he r mouth.   

“For real?” his voice was quieter, less confident than she’ d heard him before. It was unlike Taylor to be so hesitant.   

“For real” Hayley whispered back. The sound of the busy Nashville Street echoed out around the tiny blonde , but seemed to fade away the longer she waited for Taylor ’s reply.   

“Are you alright?” he said, his tone filled with concern. Hayley  felt her heart swell. It was such a simple question, yet it carried such weight.  

  W as she alright?   

Was it wrong that this was the most ‘alright’ she ’d felt in months?   

“I think so, or at least I will be.”   

Hayley didn’t need to see him to know he was smiling.   

“Yeah, you will.”   

No-one can hold your hand

Now through the delicate darkness you go   

If I trespass, even once, then   

It all just disappears   

Clock starts over  

As she lays in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, Hayley finds herself lost in the memories of the last few years.  

The tiny blonde hates how easy she finds it to scold herself for how long she had stayed in such a toxic relationship. The voice at the back of her head told Hayley that it was easier said than done, leaving her partner, but she still felt angry for how much time she had wasted.   

It was only now that she was on the other side of it that Hayley could pinpoint all the times, she should have left. The fights. The arguments. The shitty comments thrown in her direction. The gaslighting. The cheating. She realizes that she had spent the last few years of her life dictated by that awful man and the mood, he decided to be in that day.   

Hayley could recall the times she would walk on eggshells around him, scared to provoke him when she sensed he was in a foul mood. The exasperated sighs and slamming doors. He would storm out of the house declaring that he was going “out”. He’d come home smelling of beer, cigarettes and ladies perfume . Or not come home at all.   

The tiny blonde would wake up the next day to a picture-perfect husband. Breakfast in bed, flowers on the counter, extravagant gifts and invitations for weekends away in foreign countries.   

He had a way of convincing Hayley  that whatever terrible thing had happened the day before was just a one off. That he was sorry for his behavior and he would never do it again.   

It made the tiny blonde laugh now.  

 

Start of February 2019     

 

“Talk to me more about that. What gives you the idea that you’re not worthy of that kind of love?” Lauren tells her calmly, wanting her input on the matter.     

It was around seven pm on a Monday afternoon, and Hayley was fiddling with a loose thread from her sweater, her computer balanced on a pillow.     

The Living room from her house was quiet, save for the occasional soft snores from Alf that sat protectively at her feet as she went through the motions of this week's therapy session.     

In any other setting, she would expertly reject this type of serious conversation with a little bit of charm, here, Hayley has nowhere to hide.     

“I didn’t say that” she sighs “I just can’t see why anyone w ould wanna …deal with all that entails dating me, That’s all.” She tells her in a calm voice     

Her therapist eyes her curiously, most certainly trying to analyze her answer to understand better what she was trying to say.     

“Would you let someone else’s troubles or mistakes stop you from loving them?” Laur en asks her pointedly.     

Hayley’s mind travels quickly to the curly haired man with the most charming brown eyes that sadly, could find himself adrift in the world as much as herself.     

She sighs again “Of course not. But that’s not-”     

“You are troubled,” she said affirmatively (as if Hayley already didn’t know that) “Good. We all are. So why are your troubles special? Why would they make you unworthy of something good and simple?” Lauren tries.     

“ Cause I can hurt him, cause i'm not simple?” Hayley asks confused     

“Yes of course, no one is simple. And hurting others, well that can happen regardless of your troubles. It’s not attached to your past experiences if you don’t make them part of it. The past can’t affect your present if you don’t let it” Lauren tells her firmly.     

“That’s much easier said than done,” Hayley says dejectedly     

“It certainly is,” she agrees, “is difficult to unlearn bad behaviors or coping mechanisms that aren’t healthy, especially if you’ve always relied on them. but it doesn't mean that you don’t deserve the kind of simple love Taylor gives you. He doesn't think so, so why would you?” Lauren says trying to get through her head.     

“Sure,” she smirks not really finding all the truth in her words “I pay you to tell me that, though.”     

“You’re deflecting again,” she tells her smiling when Hayley narrows her eyes at her.     

“Are you afraid of the ease? of something not being complicated?” she questions, (Is she? is the problem that she’s scare of how simple loving Taylor is?) The question makes her feel suddenly heavy, like she’s been permanently chained to the cushion beneath her.     

That’s the fear it seems, because even thinking about the simpleness of their relationship is what leaves her scared the most. Hayley doesn’t know how to live within simple , she’s never had that before, not until Taylor.    

She can’t speak about it though, not when she’s still processing it all in her mind, but as she always does, Lauren seems to read her thoughts, understanding her spiral.     

“you’ll never be perfect Hayley, and really you don’t want to be. But you can be imperfectly perfect for someone” she tells her finally.   

Lauren’s left her with one and a million thoughts going through her mind all at once.     

She smiles mindlessly at the fact that her therapist seems very fond of Taylor even though she’s never met him before, she’s just heard what Hayley’s told her about him and with only that little context, she’s about one session away from starting a fan club.     

As long as I am loving you   

You'll never be alone   

As long as you keep wanting me around   

She ponders hard on their talk for the rest of the night, is the root of her fear that she can’t process love being simple? Is she being unreasonable for getting mad at him when he’s coping the best he can with the mess she made?     

If Taylor can Love her despite all the bad shit that’s happened to her and that she’s done, can wait patiently by her side until she’s able to figure herself out, Shouldn’t T be allowed the same grace?     

She’s sure she loves him. Loves him at his best but also at his worst, he’s only human after all and if she thinks hard enough, Taylors worst is not even close to hers but still, he loves her even then.     

And Hayley knows that even though as of right now, they are not together. That She’s not seen him in a long time, misses him like crazy and wishes with all her heart that T was next to her tonight, she also knows that is unfair to ask more from him than what he’s doing now.     

She’s not an idiot, she knows it is not about loving each other. That actually seems to be the simple part with them, and Taylor might not be next to her, but he’s always around, always silently checking up on her and making sure she’s ok, if that’s not love then well...     

Hayley thinks she’s come to terms with it then. The ball is in his court. If and when he wants to come back, she’ll be right here waiting for him to come home.  

 

June 2019   

 

She can tell he’s pissed by the clench of his jaw and the way he stares straight ahead, eyes never deviating off the road.   

On the days he picks her up after an appointment with Lauren, he usually won’t push her for conversation in the car aware that she probably has a lot to process.   

He does little things though to let her know he’s just giving her space. dropping a hand on her knee rubbing softly or giving her a gentle smile at the red light.   

Today Taylor has done none of those things and while Hayley understands why, it doesn’t mean she has to like it or that it doesn't bother her.   

In fact, this attitude from him annoys her like no other. If Hayley wasn’t so exhausted, she would absolutely give him a piece of her mind, let him know exactly why he’s in the wrong, instead, they continue to sit in tense silence. Neither willing to acknowledge that the air between them is decidedly charged with unspoken words.   

Hayley just thinks Taylor's being a pain in the ass for no reason at all.   

This is her life and her recovery and there’s no need for him to act like the world is going to collapse if she doesn’t follow every single one of her therapist recommendations. The boyfriend title doesn't come with permission to tell her what to do, that’s not the relationship she signed up for and he should know that by now.   

“What do you want for dinner?” He sighs, letting off some of the steam he’s surely feeling.   

She doesn't even spare him a glance as she answers, keeping her eyes glued to the window as they get closer to her house.   

“Doesn’t matter. I’m not hungry.” she tells him sharp as ever, not a drop of the usual tenderness in her voice when she’s talking to him.   

Taylor lets out a frustrated exhale that cuts the silence of the car.   

“Well Hayley, you have to eat. Especially if you have to take the pills Lauren prescribed.” He says slowly with all the self-control he can manage not to shout.   

Is he fucking kidding?   

“Stop the car,” Hayley says as she finally turns her head around to give Taylor the coldest stare she can muster.   

“I said stop the fucking car, T” now she’s shouting.   

Taylor looks at her like he can’t quite believe what she’s asking him to do but a second later, he switches lanes and pulls to a stop on the side of the road.   

Hayley is out of the car faster than lightening, breathing through her nose and exhaling the warm summer air as she looks up into the sky; silently begging the heavens to give her strength to deal with this man.   

She hears his car door slam and then   

“What the fuck’s the matter with you?” Taylor tells her a little too loud, and with an edge of anger that’s never been directed at her, not in a loooooong time.   

He goes around the car to stand in front of her and although normally, Hayley would get distracted by how beautiful he is, right now she's just mad. Mad and frustrated that he doesn’t seem to understand why this isn’t such an easy decision for her.   

“What the fuck is the matter with me?” She asks, disbelief dripping from every word, “what the fuck is the matter with you Taylor?! Trying to get me medicated when I’ve told you time and again, I’m not taking any fucking pills.”   

She doesn’t usually curse that much and never at him, in fact in the years they’ve known each other, Hayley can count on one hand the times she’s seriously raised her voice at Taylor like she is right now.   

Sure, they bicker, but full blown, drag out fights?   

No, they don’t do that anymore.   

But at this moment all she can see is red and maybe that’s why she doesn't notice the change in Taylor’s demeanor right away. His brown eyes lose some of the irritation that was there before, and he drops the defiance pose as he takes a few careful steps towards Hayley.   

“Medicated? Is that what you think I’m Trying to do here?” He tells her in a softer tone this time, it doesn't take away her anger completely, but it definitely helps to simmer it down.   

“What else am I supposed to think when the second you heard Lauren’s suggestion you practically shoved me towards the nearest drugstore T?” she says in an exasperated tone.   

“Hayley”   

Her name sounds like a prayer on his lips. It always does. No matter if they’re fighting, fucking, or simply existing together, and it usually makes her feel warm, safe, protected.   

Not now though.   

Now it just makes Hayley want to cry, to pound her fists against his chest and show Taylor all the reasons why all of this is so unfair and maybe she is being a spoiled little girl, maybe he should have ignored her until they got home like he wanted.   

She is so lost in her thoughts, she doesn’t realize he’s moved to touch her arm softly but when she feels it, the steadying touch grounds her.   

“I’m not trying to medicate you Hayles, I’m just trying to make sure that you don’t burn yourself out. You haven’t slept properly for weeks. I don’t know how it is the few days you are at your house but every time you’re with me, I know you don’t sleep well, and I just figured what’s the harm in getting a little help for that?” Taylor tries in a softer tone. And when he puts it like that, it’s so hard for Hayley to argue back, because it’s true.   

Sleep has been a lot more out of reach lately. It’s not the nightmares, those have become almost nonexistent since her curly companion started to share her bed. It’s just that recently, she’s only been able to truly rest when she’s beyond exhausted. Mind at war leaving her lying wide awake for hours on end, only giving her truce sometime in the early morning before either her alarm or Taylor inevitably stir her awake.   

She knows it’s wearing her down, doing any work now seems like a monumental effort, she’s lost some weight and concealer has become her best friend, but it’s still her fucking mess of a life. She told herself she’d never take pills, that she would never become that person, yet Hayley also can’t deny that her decisions don’t just affect her now, Taylor’s her life partner and he’s rightfully worried about her.   

She looks at him then, and the pure love she sees in his eyes makes the anger leave her body completely, that and the absolute patient way Taylor waits for her to say something, anything. There’s really only one thing that Hayley wants to say to him, but she’s not brave enough to do it while looking into his charming brown eyes filled with that much love.   

She steps closer wrapping her arms tightly around his waist and pressing her cheek against his chest so she can hear his heartbeat, easing some of the pain.   

“I’m just scared T. I’m scared of becoming someone I don’t recognize. I don’t want to lose myself in all of this.” she tells him quietly as he pulls her to him almost on reflex, and Taylor’s grip tightens around her immediately at her words.   

Hayley buries her face deeply on his chest, losing herself in his scent, a mix of cigarettes and after shaved and something else she’s never been able to pinpoint. The firmness of his arms around her doing a great job at relaxing her mind.   

It must be late with the sky so orange, she thinks, and it’s a thought that comes seemingly out of nowhere but serves as evidence to how having him this close always helps, how she feels like she can do anything if he just holds her tight like this for the rest of their lives.   

Taylor tilts her chin up lovingly so he can look her in the eyes before saying the one thing she needed to hear to believe that this will pass too "I'd never let you forget who you are Hayles, not a chance in the world.” He looks at her with such conviction in his eyes, it nearly takes her breath away and she feels dizzy with the realization of how much she loves him, and how she’s never believed anyone as much as she believes him in this moment.   

“It’s your choice what you do with the recommendation. I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard, love. I just worry about you” he tells her quietly before dropping the sweetest kiss to her forehead.     

But this is one trip you're gonna have to take alone   

When you come back you'll find me here   

Where I belong, mm mm  

April 2022   

 

He’d been having quite the bad few days. Taylor wasn't really sure what had left him so blue and maybe it wasn't anything at all, just the LA sun mocking him.    

He was realizing more and more that the transition from four years at home to going back into the studio, was turning out to be less smooth than he’d hope for and only adding to the turmoil in his mind that followed him everywhere lately.    

It was no secret that his anxiety had been getting worse in the past months. He knew that but the thing was, he was pretty sure it had reached a breaking point last week when he’d had a full on melt down in the studio out of the smallest little thing.    

Hayley, Zac and Carlos had showed him so much love he almost felt like crying when thinking about it. Carlos had stopped the recording day all together to give him some time, Zac had gone out of his way to tell him reassuring words as Kayla cooked them all dinner at the rental and Hayley; Hayley had held him so tight that night, he’d finally accepted defeat and cried his eyes out in her arms.    

He knew for a fact that they were worried, and he hated that he was the reason why, but Taylor couldn’t stop himself from shutting off or feeling this way, he could see how he was starting to lose himself. The funny part though, Life had never been better (trauma was a bitch).    

They were making the best album of their Carrers,his friendships were as strong as they could be and his relationship with Hayley was so good, somedays he wondered if the way she filled his body with butterflies would ever get old, they couldn’t be more in love if they tried.    

He’d done some work with a professional ages ago but he knew that Therapy was like exercise when it came to depression or anxiety, feeling good meant that it was making a difference, and Taylor was beginning to think that maybe he'd been wrong to stop. He could see how much it had helped Hayley and he was aware that last week’s episode was more than just a meltdown, it was a wakeup call.    

The road wouldn’t always be bumpy he thought, but apparently it would always be long, and that didn’t necessarily have to be the worst thing, he owed himself some grace.    

He was alone in the rental House for the first time in a while and to be honest, it sucked. Hayley was away in New York for the week with Brian, and he didn’t want to worry her anymore telling her how bad he wished she hadn’t gone; he knew she could tell though, if the uneasy tone on the phone the night before was any indication.    

“It’s just one week, T” She had said playfully when they’d said their goodbyes a couple days ago.    

He’d grumbled to himself while she settled in the driver’s seat of her car, rolling down the window so she could kiss him.    

“You’re very cute when you pout” she told him smiling softly and leaning her head against the frame of the open window    

“Cute enough to make you not have to leave?” he tried using all the charm he could mustered.    

“I’m afraid not” Though Hayley was considering it if she was honest, leaving him alone when he wasn’t feeling good didn’t feel right.    

“Well,” he sighed in sadness, “Zac will be happy, now I won’t have any reason not to play tennis with him”.    

Hayley laughed at his comment making his heart feel warm at the sound and doing a great job at soothing him, "Don't sound so excited my love”.    

“It’s always better when you are around, you know” Taylor pointed out, most certainly trying to make her melt at the heavy longing in his voice.    

He leaned his forearm against the top of the car, bending his neck down to hover eye-level before her, and she swiftly closed the distance between them.    

She pulled away with a sly smirk.    

“I’ll be back before you know it,” she said softly bringing him back for another deeper kiss “I love you”.    

“Love you more Hayles” he told her, enjoying the little flush on her cheeks at his words.    

She’d left him little notes around the house for him to find. sweet nothings that always brought a smile to his face when he found one. A few of his favorite chocolates, some very good beer, and he knew for a fact, she’d purposely sprayed her perfume on his pillow, surely knowing how much that would help to lull him into sleep without her there.    

Even with Alf keeping him company and all the ways she’d made sure to be there with him even if she wasn't, Taylor still miss her badly. He had learned that contrary to what he used to think, space and solitude could only take him so far. At the end of the day, no matter how shitty life could get, it was always better with Hayley by his side.    

The doorbell jolts him awake sometime later that evening and He sits up instantly, squinting against the glare of the TV realizing pretty quickly that he must’ve passed out on the couch, his gloomy thoughts tiring him out.    

He’s barely rubbed the sleep from his eyes the next time the doorbell rings, this time, it’s followed by an incessant knocking, which only makes him smile.    

There’s really only one person who would be so insistent (and out of her key probably), the realization that she’s back early spurs him to turn the TV off and make his way quickly through the house to let her in. There’s a rush of cold air as he opens the door, but he doesn’t even notice, his attention is entirely stolen by Hayley practically bouncing on her feet.    

Taylor’s entire face seems to relax when he lays eyes on her, and she gives him a big cheeky smile taking note of the way he softens his tense posture.    

“Miss me that bad, huh”    

“You have no idea Hayles” he tells her closing the distance in one stride to hug her, bringing her close to his chest holding her tight.    

Taylor doesn’t bother denying her comment about him not doing much while she was away. Apparently, all he’d done since he came home that afternoon was change his clothes and put on a sports program that eventually lulled him into a three-hour nap.    

Hayley doesn’t seem all that fazed by it, but he knows her well enough to read her worried demeanor. She moves pass him to the kitchen, carrying the scent of her perfume with her and managing to make Taylor feel warm and more relax that he has in days.    

“What’s all this?” He asks as he crosses the span of the house to join her in the kitchen, where she’s busy sorting through two grocery bags.    

She pauses in the midst of pulling an onion out of the bag, a shy smile adding color to her already pink cheeks.    

“I knew you’d be eating shitty premade foods while I was gone, so I got us some healthy dinner and groceries, you need some veggies in that body T” she tells him jokingly eyeing him with love    

The lovely warmth in her tone lifts whatever rests of anxious thoughts weighing him down and he can’t resist sliding his arm inside her unzipped jacket and around her waist as he smiles and nods at her caring nature.    

“Thanks, love.”    

The way Hayley immediately relaxes against him makes him not want to let her go, even as he feels the first signs of actual hunger inside him.    

“You really don’t know how much I missed you” Taylor tells her once more, whispering the words into her hair softly, before loosening his grip on her and he is not the least bit surprised when Hayley barely contains the urge to roll her eyes as she returns to her task.    

“Sappy.”    

“Honest.”    

She shoots him a side glance then, ready to brush him off but whatever’s in his eyes must make her pause. She turns completely into his arms, both hands now sliding up his chest and around his neck as she holds his gaze.    

Taylor takes the opportunity to study her face. To trace the delicate bridge of her nose, the freckles on her cheeks, the dark lashes framing her beautiful green eyes, and the expressive eyebrows that always tell exactly what she’s thinking.    

It dawns on him then that Hayley’s much more worried about him than she’s lead on, and it tugs at his heart strings.    

And although it’s been a while since they’d been in this position, he knows what the lack of communication has done to their relationship in the past and he’s vowed not to repeat the same mistakes.    

“I’ve done a lot of thinking while you weren’t here” he tells her tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, letting his fingers linger on her skin. "I'm tired of pretending that I’m doing well, when I'm not”.    

“I know I scared you the other day at the studio Hayles, know you are worried” Hayley watches him with her full attention as he speaks, unmoving safe for the rise and fall of her chest.    

“I think I want to get back into therapy” he says softly, “I always want to try and be the best version of myself I possibly can. I owe to myself but also, you don’t deserve anything less” words making her skin flush warm where he’s touching her. it gives Taylor all the reassurance he needs to lean down and kiss her.    

Hayley meets him halfway, lips insisting in a way that makes him want to push her jacket off and see if this side of the kitchen counter will make her cheeks flush and her eyes turn darker the same way the other did.    

He keeps it controlled though, realizing that she’s here with him now. He doesn’t have to rush, there’ll be time for that and so much more later. For now, he can take comfort in her warmth and the sweetness of Hayley’s voice when she tells him how proud she is of him.    

As long as I am loving you   

You'll never be alone

As long as you keep wanting me around   

But this is one trip you're gonna have to take alone   

When you come back you'll find me here   

Where I belong  

It tells Taylor everything he needs to know, and he moves to deepen their embrace, his other arm snaking around her middle and pulling her so much tighter against him.    

Life can throw all the shit at him. He doesn't really care so long as he can always find her hand to help him through it.  

Notes:

You know, in my experience some demons have to be fought on your own, but that doesn't mean that having someone there to hold your hand through it makes it any worst, in fact chances are it can give you the courage to fight them harder.
I know the lyrics of this song are probably more pointed at the time they spent apart, however, in my opinion the overall message is telling someone that is ok to go figure themselves out on their own and that once they do, you'll be waiting for them to come back. I really love how much love she poured into this one, I don't think you can say something more beautiful than that. *Also love the theory that this could be a sequel to hate to see your heart break.

Chapter 15: Descansos

Summary:

“I know T, but I don’t want to bring you any more problems than I already have. You deserve some rest from all my messes” Hayley says quietly, but still moving closer in his embrace to find some comfort.
Taylor turns to look her in the eyes so he can get her full attention before he speaks to her in a loving tone,
“Hayley, I don’t need some rest from you. I’m always here if you need me. You don’t ever have to feel that way about calling me if you need help, I’m always here” He lets the words out so tenderly, that her eyes start to sting with tears she won’t let herself cry.
“I just don’t think is fair to you” she says shyly, avoiding his eyes.   

Notes:

I wasn't sure about adding this chapter but then it got me thinking, FFV is a body of work that holds so many feelings and this particular track, although it has no lyrics is actually very moving. In my opinion the melody transitions perfectly through 3 main emotions, sorrow, nostalgia and peace. With that in mind and also the fact that she made her house a big part of the record, I thought we could explore some memories made in her home that might have inspired the music.
I hope you enjoy
- Love Em.
TW*Smut*

November 2018 (Sorrow) Reality will break your heart   
                                       Survival will not be the hardest part   
                                       It's keeping all your hopes alive   
                                      When all the rest of you has died   
                                      So let it break your heart   

   

She’s sat at the floor of her room in silence letting her thoughts run wild as her hand draws small circles.   

With each passing day, it’s become more and more apparent to Hayley that she failed Taylor in exactly the way she’d been most afraid of.   

It was never her intention to even put him in the same sentence as her ex-husband. The two men couldn’t be more different from each other, and she out of people, knew that. But sometimes she couldn’t control her own demons and Hayley hated that they had caught up to her so cruelly. Hurting Taylor in the process.   

The fact had landed her exactly where she’d hoped to never be again, alone and heart broken. Separated from the only person that had ever made her feel really seen and loved for exactly who she was and sitting on the floor without a clue as to where to go from here.   

There was only two real differences from the other heart breaks in her life, the worst one probably being that maybe this time she actually deserves it, and the hardest one to take, Taylor was nowhere to be found unlike all of the previous times.   

She’d been so terrified of giving into her feelings again, especially with how much she felt for him. Trusting Taylor with her heart had happened so naturally, that she’d somehow missed the moment he had wholeheartedly given her his to keep, because in all honestly it felt like it had always been hers to begin with.  

How did she manage to fuck up so much?   

A sharp crack of thunder pulls Hayley out of her dark thoughts and right back into the heaviness of it all.   

Realistically she knows she can’t carry all of this forever; knows she should talk to someone instead of pretending that she’s okay.   

But it feels somehow wrong to talk to anyone other than Taylor about this and with little chance of that ever happening, she feels immobilized, frozen. Like she’s waiting for something to happen, for some sign that this storm will pass.   

One look out the window tells her that at least weather wise, the storm has barely begun, and she moves over to the bed to throws a pillow over her head screaming in frustration, before deciding that there’s nothing left for her to do but sleep and wait it out.   

   

May 2017 (nostalgia) I romanticize even the worst of  times   
                                 When all it took to make me cry was being alive   

 

Hayley straightens the hem of her jacket for what feels like the tenth time at least, swearing quietly to herself. She looks at herself in the small mirror of the bathroom repressing the weird feeling at the pit of her stomach at the person staring back, it’s been a while since she’s felt like herself.    

She checks that her makeup looks as good as she can manage in the midst of a new house filled with unpacked boxes, finding her makeup bag had been quite the task but she was trying her hardest to keep calm, Brian would be there and he could fix whatever she had tried to do once she got to Taylor’s.   

Her phone peeps and Hayley knows who it is without even looking down. She smiles softly at the thought of him silently freaking out just minutes away in his own house, The thread of texts he’s sent is proof enough of that but with the clock reading 7.53, there’s still plenty of time till 10.   

“T:  Hayley are you up yet?”    

“T: Please be up!”   

“T: Hayles...we can’t be late for this, they already texted me saying they are on their way, even Z is here! WHERE ARE U?!” she chuckles at the all caps, is just too much fun to mess with him sometimes.   

“T: Answer please...need to know you’re alive or I'm driving to your house to get you”   

“H: I'm up... and ready. You have no faith in me T. Leaving the house as we speak, don’t get your panties in a twist, I’ll see you soon.”   

“T: ohh thank god! Drive safe, see you.”   

She takes a big deep breath to calm some of her nerves and decides to make a quick stop to get some coffee, surely that will lighten the mood a bit, right?    

This will be the first interview for the new album that’s coming out in just a couple of days and she’s freaking out on the inside for multiple reasons, they all are to be honest. They decided to go with Zane Lowe, they’ve met a few times and he felt like a safe choice and so far, he was proving them right. He’d told them he didn’t mind going anywhere of their choosing for the interview, the very reason why she’s driving to Taylor’s house at eight in the morning.   

Zane couldn’t have known all the turmoil going on, but he’d actually taken some pressure off with his suggestion and for that they’d be eternally grateful. Taylor's house was as close of a home as she had right now. she spent most of her time there these days and having the interview in a comfortable place helped, especially since the conversation would surely get heavy.    

There was so much to be anxious about this time around, but Hayley was holding on to the one thing that always manage to ease her mind, Taylor would never let something bad happen.   

Ever since the past year and the fiasco that had been 2016 (for the most part), he had become her lifeline. Somehow, Taylor had managed to help her out of the horrible maze she had found herself in. he’d been there when they gotten sued, he’d been there when she got married and instantly regretted it, there when she reached her breaking point and quitted the band, there when she told him she wanted in again and there when she had finally decided to set herself free and pack her things to leave her horrible marriage. Always there by her side.   

Their closeness wasn’t new, Hayley had always cared deeply for Taylor. They shared most of the same interests and he’d never being anything but kind to her. He was a sweet kid when they met, a fun teen when they started touring, a great friend to her after Josh and Zac left and a true partner in crime when life got exponentially worst the following years.    

Now though, now he was her person.     

There was no Hayley without Taylor and no Taylor without Hayley.   

“Hey, I'm here” she greets opening the front door with the spare key Taylor had insisted, she should have (for emergencies he’d said, making her smile at his caring ways).   

“Morning H, ohh good you got coffee! maybe that will relax him a bit” Zac tells her by the door where they stand saying their hellos.   

“That bad? I though we got everything ready yesterday?” she tells him in a light tone, handing him a cup.   

“We did, I think Taylor is more nervous about the questions we might get and to be honest so am I, but you know one for all and all for one, right?” Zac tells her reassuringly before giving her a soft tug in the arm as to say I'm here for you.   

He couldn’t have come back at a better time. Having Zac back in her life was one of the few things that didn’t suck in 2016 and again, she had Taylor to thank for that.   

She finds him in the garden, and even with his back turned, the tension of his posture tells Hayley all she needs to know.   

“hi” she says softly no to startled him and he turns his head immediately at the sound of her voice.   

“Hey, good you are here, good I was…” He starts to ramble out of distress but moves to hug her in greeting, easing some of her own tension when the faint scent of cigarettes hits her, because it's so very him.   

“I got us some coffee from that place you love, black and no sugar. Figure we could use it. I had the worst night sleep” she tells him with a small smile, handing him the cup.   

Taylor scolds his face quickly into a softer expression, just like any time he wants to reassure her. And though the action has the desire effect of relaxing her, it’s not for the reason he thinks but because Hayley finds the action quite adorable, she’d never tell him that of course.   

“Did you have another nightmare?” he asks worriedly, searching her face with his brown eyes.   

“Not exactly. More like real life playing wicked games with me” she says kind of sadly.   

“I stayed at the new house last night. Turns out I have unwanted company” she says with a grimace on her face, thinking about the intruders.   

“What do you mean?? Did he get your new address? we can go to the police right now if he's bothering you” Taylor starts to say very fast and in an anxious tone, so She gives him a soft smile to ease his concern.   

“No, it’s nothing like that” she tells him softly, “I have bats. The real kind, they are all over the top floor and it’s just…” she sighs, because when she saw them the only thought that crossed her mind was that, it actually seemed very fitting for her to have her new house infested with bats.    

“Bats? Hayles you should’ve called me. I Would’ve come to get you. You know you can always stay here” he tells her dropping an arm around her to pull her into a side hug that helps to relax them both.   

“I know T, but I don’t want to bring you any more problems than I already have. You deserve some rest from all my messes” Hayley says quietly, but still moving closer in his embrace to find some comfort.  

Taylor turns to look her in the eyes so he can get her full attention before he speaks to her in a loving tone,   

“Hayley, I don’t need some rest from you. I’m always here if you need me. You don’t ever have to feel that way about calling me if you need help, I’m always here” He lets the words out so tenderly, that her eyes start to sting with tears she won’t let herself cry.   

“I just don’t think is fair to you” she says shyly, avoiding his eyes.   

“Nonsense, you are never a burden. We are friends and that is true when things are good and even more so when they are not. We are going to get through it, I’m not letting you deal alone, ok?” he tells her finally, holding her tighter.   

“Common, let’s go warm up this coffee that’s gone cold. We are going to be fine Hayles. Fine with the interview, and after when we figure out how to get the bats out of your house” he says in a tender tone with a slight chuckle at the end (Because the shit thrown their ways it’s starting to get ridiculous!). Then he moves his hand to her back, guiding her inside.   

“I know!! Fucking bats T, I wish I was kidding” Hayley finishes, feeling lighter than she has since yesterday both at Taylor’s words but also at his warm hand on her back that never lets her sink.   

The interview for the album goes much better than the trio could’ve ever hoped for.   

There’s some in depth conversation about music but also heavy topics that Zane approaches with great kindness, giving them the chance to let out a big exhale. They have Lunch together and quickly befriend the kiwi. Job aside, he’s quite the character and they get along great which feels like a sign that this new era of the band can hopefully be less turbulent than previous ones. Zane seems particularly fond of Taylor, and it warms Hayley's heart any time others can see how truly great he is, small smile on her lips at his blushing cheeks any time he gets a compliment.   

By the time 6 pm rolls around it’s just them and Taylor insists that she should stay with him till they can fix the less-than-ideal situation at her house or let him come with, she knows he’s only being kind to her, but she can’t keep counting on others to solve her problems. He’s not taking no for an answer and that’s how they both find themselves at the Bat infested house sitting on the floor with a couple of bottles of liquor.   

“Your bats must be a weird breed if you think Tequila and champagne will frighten them Hayles” Taylor says laughing when he sees her appear from the door frame, bottles in hand.   

“It’s not for the Bats! Is for us!, we deserve a night of careless fun after all we’ve been through my friend. So, what do you say if tonight we say fuck you to the Hard times, fuck yuu to the bats, Fuck you to all the responsibilities we won’t be able to avoid after Friday?” she tells him with a glimmer in her eyes that screams trouble, but is one that he hasn’t seen in Hayley in a while, and he couldn’t possibly tell her no.   

“I say you had me at the awful cheesy hard times reference, Let’s get drunk!” He knows this isn’t the solution to anything, they both do, but Taylor thinks that she's so very right. They deserve One careless night to just be twenty something year olds and put a pause in all the bad stuff.   

Hayley's eyes light up with excitement as she goes through the boxes looking for a pair of glasses, and Taylor feels confident he made the right choice to let her cut loose. She deserves it after all that’s happened.    

"Going hard a bit early, aren't we?" He asks and she shrugs.   

"we’re young T, we should remember that every once in a while" she says, downing her first shot "I figure we should start to embrace the rock and roll life"   

"Yeah, your kind of right, I'm happy to see that troublemaker Hayley has made a come back" He tells her smiling softly before tilting his own glass.the intensity of his eyes makes her body tingle all over, something that’s been happening regularly any time she has him this close.   

Hayley tops them up and they stay happy in the safe bubble of her house for a while. He vents a bit about some worries he wouldn’t tell her sober (never wanting to add to her troubles), but it isn’t long before he’s cracking jokes. (Drunk Taylor has always been a favorite of Hayley's).   

“I was thinking about just turning my hardships into a drinking game, but I heard alcohol poisoning is a shitty way to die” Hayley says lightly and the comment has Taylor in a fit of laughter so genuine, that it makes her feel like everything will be better this time around.  

They keep talking and laughing, feeling more relaxed than she has in a long time. and although Hayley wants to attribute it to the alcohol, she knows it has more to do with her charming companion.   

Eventually hunger gets to them and their only option in a new unpacked house is a premade brownie mix that is most likely expired but they are drunk enough by then to not really care.   

He teases her about being small when she can’t reach a plate at the top of the kitchen but helps her anyways and Hayley starts gathering the few ingredients for the brownies, but at some point, she has to slide behind him to grab a mixing bowl and it's then she realizes she’s made a terrible mistake in doing so.   

From her vantage point she can see the flex of the muscles in his forearm as he stands by the kitchen island watching her cook.  

Well, that’s a new turn-on...   

With the bowl in hand, she nearly jumps away from him from all the thoughts running through her head, moving back to her little patch of counter space feeling weird all of a sudden.    

What the fuck!?, she mentally scolds herself. Taylor York is not even close to being an option, no matter how sexy his arms are…or how good he smells…or how gorgeous his eyes seem under the kitchen lights…   

After another minute of mental distress, she pulls herself together and finishes her task at hand.  

The thought doesn’t leave her though.  

Not after she watches his eyes crease at the corner when he eats the brownies, not when they eventually fall sleep together on the horrible air mattress and he pulls her that tad bit closer when he feels her shiver, not the next morning when he stays to help her unpack even though they’re nursing the worse hangover of their lives.  

No, that little intrusive thought doesn’t go away.   

   

May 2020 (peace) Now you're pumpin' air to my lungs   
                           This don't feel anything like sinking   
                           in fact, no matter how deep I go   
                          into you it looks like the water is crystal clear   

 

She's standing in front of the big window of her room brushing her hair, mindlessly getting ready for the day when she hears Taylor calling from the bathroom.   

He’d become a permanent resident on her bed and mostly spent his time at her house these days, and Hayley loved how mundane everyday little moments could become her favorites when he was around.   

He’d gotten into the bathroom right after her, so she opened the door to see what was so important that required her assistance.   

“Yeah?” She tells him, enjoying the view of her hot hot boyfriend just out of the shower.   

“Hayles, do you have a razor I can use?” Taylor asks staring at himself in the still fogged up mirror, “Yeah, just a sec” Hayley tells him, rummaging through her drawer before handing him a disposable razor and the shaving gel she uses for her legs. She takes a seat on the counter, leaning against the mirror deciding she would very much like to watch the show he’s about to put on.   

He stares at the foam for a moment with a questioning look. “Do you think it’s alright if I use this on my face?” He tells her eyeing the tin curiously.    

Hayley takes it from him, reading the labels and once she doesn’t see anything too concerning, she hands it back. “I guess just once should be fine, right?” She tells him reassuringly, popping the lid off and running her fingers through the open tap. She rubs some of the gel in her hand until it foams and gestures for Taylor to come nearer. He moves to stand between her legs softly caressing her thigh “I guess so,” he chuckles tilting his head up as she coats the foam in his jaw and neck, feeling the vibrations when he laughs at the tickling feeling of her fingers.   

Taylor moves closer to the sink, running the purple razor through water before bringing it to his face but Hayley takes the razor from him, dragging it delicately along the skin of his face and rinsing the razor every now and then. She feels herself blush a little at the deep longing displayed on his brown eyes as he quietly watches her help him shave. She keeps dragging the razor a bit longer until He takes over and Hayley goes back to applying her mascara sat on the counter next to him.   

He does the job with a concentrated look that makes her silently smile every time she can see his furrowed brows in between stolen glances and when he’s done, he washes off the remaining foam, drying his face with the small hand towel and eyeing her for a moment while he runs his fingers along his jaw.    

“What do you think love?” He asks, taking her hand in his and bringing it to his cold jaw.    

“I can’t tell like this T” Hayley states, with her voice full of mirth as Taylor moves to stand in between her legs again, dropping his hands to her thighs.   

“What do you mean?” Taylor asks with an edge of confusion that has her smiling to herself, despite his lingering gaze down her body. He seems to be a big fan of her morning outfit consisting of just his shirt and underwear.   

“Means you should probably kiss my neck and maybe then I’ll be able to tell for sure,” she says in a low voice, enjoying the way his eyes seemed to glimmer with the suggestion.   

“No need to make excuses my love, if you want me to kiss you, all you have to do is ask” Taylor says leaning forward slowly and bringing his lips to her neck in a loving way. He still smells of her lavender shaving gel and his face is cold sending a shiver down her spine, when he drops open mouthed kisses from her neck to her shoulder. Hayley closes her eyes at the sensation, head spinning and body tingling all over.   

 “Okay,” she says breathily, feeling Taylor’s mouth on her skin, “kiss me T”    

He pulls back to give her a little smirk bringing her more comfortably to the edge of the counter before kissing her hard. Her legs wrap around the towel that sits on his hips. Taylor lets his tongue tease hers just for a moment before pulling away and kissing down her body, decidedly stopping at her bra.  

 “I like this” he says, dragging his finger down between the cups, bringing the bra further down, kissing the exposed skin.  

Hayley moans at his kisses. She had bought the black laced bralette when Lindsey had convinced her they ‘did Favours’, which the tiny blonde couldn’t disagree with, especially in her current situation.   

 “Is it terrible, how bad I want to see it ruined?” he asks from between her breasts.  

Hayley runs her fingers through his curly hair, tugging his head back, meeting his eyes. “You can do that when I’m back from all the meetings I have today” pulling him back up, her lips graze his teasingly, “for now, I need you to fuck me before Joey gets here” she tells him, watching his eyes close as the curly haired man register what she’s said.  

She laughs breathlessly, cradling his head, feeling his lips roughly against hers, “Sometimes you say things… and I don’t think you understand what you do to me,” Taylor breaks away, groaning as she tightens her legs around him.  

He really didn’t know what he did to her.  

Taylor pulls away, pushing her blonde hair back, holding onto her, silence in his penetrating gaze. Hayley wound her arms around his body, still a bit damp from his shower. Just in that moment, perhaps in many other moments too, she’d seen an opening, a chance for her to take the leap and tell him everything, from the way she loves him like she’s not loved anyone before, to how much she wants to share every part of her life with him. The tiny blonde takes her deepest breath and shuts that part of her brain that always has to think so hard about things, instead, Hayley kisses him again, pulling his towel off his waist, letting it fall to the floor.  

Hayley already feels weightless, just under his kiss, with the way his hands just run down her body. When his lips wander down her neck, she smiles, letting out a laugh.  

 “What’s funny?” He grins, kissing the side of her lips, looking back at her face.  

“Nothing, I’m just really happy and I like how it feels when you kiss my neck,” Hayley says a bit breathless as his fingers hook on the waistband of her knickers.  

 “Can’t believe I'll have to hide upstairs all day” Taylor breaths, pulling her to the edge of the counter once more, getting rid of her panties.  

 “I’ll be back before you know it, is just a few interviews for our new album Mr. producer” Hayley offers feeling the same longing and hint of sadness at the thought of spending all day away from each other, she brings her hand between their bodies, stroking his cock as he stares down at her with his hands on her hips, his eyes rolling back into his skull beautifully.  

Taylor thrusts into her with a groan, leaning his head on hers. “Trust me, I’ll know” his voice is raspy, coating her like honey and Hayley chooses to lose herself in it, sweet and viscous as he chases her lips, “I’ll know you’re gone; my days always suck when you are not there” Taylor kisses her again. 

He had no idea.   

With each thrust, he brings her back to the edge of the counter; Hayley keeps her balance with her arm stretched behind her. As his pace quickens, she struggles to hold herself up, hand knocking down her mascara and the canister of shaving foam, the latter rolling off the counter and onto the floor with a clang.  

Taylor pulls away to stare at her, stilling as they both laugh breathily at their mess. His eyes linger on hers as she watches his tongue dart out over his lips.  

Hayley adjusts her arms around his neck, slowly bringing her thumb to his cheek as if to brush away the little mold that marks his face. He leans forward, resting his forehead against hers, eyes slowly closing as he breaths her in.  

The tiny blonde tightens her legs around him once more, daring to let herself kiss him with all the love and passion she can conjure as Taylor slowly begins rocking into her once again, falling into her kiss. All she seems to hear is love against his lips.  

 “I’m glad Joey isn’t home.”  

Taylor lifts his head, laughing at her. “Why the hell are you thinking about Joey?” He grips her hips tighter as she holds his shoulders, trying to balance a hand on the limited counter space behind her, a wicked smile on her beautiful face.  

“I’m not,” Hayley laughs with him, grinning as she looks up at Taylor, “I’m glad cause I can tell you to fuck me harder without him overhearing it.”  

“What do you mean?” He breaths with a mortify look on his face, his hand joining hers on the counter.  

“Apparently, we have thin walls,” she moves her hand up to his hair, feeling his nails dig into her skin. “So, fuck me harder, T” Her voice gets louder.  

He moves his hand up her body, pulling her tighter to him, his lips meeting hers. “You know, you saying this just makes me want to make you scream when he is home?” Taylor pulls away to watch her answer with a matching wicked smile.  

“Yeah,” Hayley moans, kinda loving the idea. “But you aren’t the one who gets kink shamed later on.”  

“I am the one who gets noise complaints though” Hayley laughs, taking her hand off the counter and pulling his lips to hers.  

 “I’m sorry,” she laughs again remembering one particular night in LA that neither will ever forget, hand coming between their bodies.  

“Nah, it’s a nice reminder if I’m being honest” he jokes, watching her fingers roll her clit.  

“Harder, T” she tells him, nails digging in his shoulder as he increases his pace, lips trailing down her body, coming to her breasts once more.  

 He unclasps her bra, letting it hang down her arms as he brings his lips back to hers, pinching her nipple between his fingers. “Fuck,” he groans, her nails scratching down his back as he goes deeper.  

“Gods, yeah,” Hayley moans, losing her fingers in his curls as she continues rubbing her clit to match his thrusts.  

 “Your voice, fuck-“Taylor kisses her again roughly as their movements grow more and more uncoordinated. He pulls away to meet her eyes, amber gaze burning intensely as he stares at her, looking as if he wants to say something more. “I want to hear you say my name.”  

Hayley throws her head back as he kisses her neck, biting at her skin as he meets her hips fervently. His hands still massaging her breasts, pinching her nipples between his fingers.  

 “Fuck- Taylor” Hayley gasps, being pulled closer to the edge of the counter once more as he fucks her harder. His name is on her lips with each thrust.  

 When he abruptly pulls away, she holds herself up on the counter, panting as she knows she was close to her peak. Taylor pulls out and stares at her with an intense glare before dropping down between her legs and she throws her head back in anticipation.  

His tongue comes down on her with vigor and she can hardly handle, her clit sensitive from being so close to finishing. Taylor steadies her, his forearms balanced on the counter as he holds onto her tightly.  

“Keep going, T,” Hayley encourages through her moans, “I’m so fucking close.”  

Taylor lifts his head up, heated gaze meeting hers, it makes her stomach flip as if the way his tongue feels against her wasn’t enough to do so. She moans, pushing his hair back and keeping it there with her fingers in his curls. He stares up at her as he slides two of his fingers into her, making sure to brush against her clit first before going down her folds.  

He sucks on her, grazing her clit gently with his teeth as he curls his fingers inside her. Taylor moves up her body again, keeping his fingers inside her and bringing his thumb on her as he kisses her shoulder mumbling incoherent words to her if they were words at all Hayley didn’t hear them, lost in the wave of her orgasm rippling over her.  

He takes his fingers out of her as the tiny blonde trembles in his arms and slowly slid into her, groaning as he does so. Taylor stills within her, kissing her soundly, gripping her tightly as she drifts.  

He brings his hands down to her hips again, eyes hidden from her as he continues thrusting into her, slower this time as they both get lost in each other, and then...  

Taylor sucks in a breath as his heart skips a beat at the words she’s just let slide so sneakily “What?”   

Hayley gives him a cheeky grin, enjoying the way his eyes slowly widen in surprise “You heard me”   

“I still want to hear you say it again” he tells her, moving his hand to caress her cheek feeling the slight warmth spreading under his fingers.   

She winds her arms around his neck leaning closer, so much closer and kissing him with all she has, before whispering in his ear "I love you, will you move in with me?” she repeats, pulling away from him only enough to watch him react.    

He feels like he is floating, or maybe dreaming.  

It feels like he’s waited forever for this exact moment with her, though it hadn’t been that long in reality. She loved him and she wanted to build a life together and wake up to him in the mornings and get a place of their own. Of course, he had suspected as much but it was the fact that she was able to say it so clearly that meant the world to him.  

It meant so much more than just living together, it meant that she trusted him, and that he really was different from the rest to her, and the thought filled him with butterflies all over.   

“I love you too” he says, just barely more than a whisper with eyes sooo full of love, “There’s nothing I'd want more than to spend all my days with you Hayles”.  

He settles his hands on her waist again, brushing his thumbs along the bottom of her ribcage to feel the vibrations of her full of life laughter as Hayley gives him the biggest smile he’s ever seen before pulling him in for another kiss that has them both smiling into it.    

 They manage to detangled themselves from one another just in time to get ready for their respective meetings. It was surprisingly early given all that they had managed to do. 

Still in the bathroom, Hayley brushes out her blonde hair, already growing sick of how long it’s gotten, countless times she finds herself wanting to get rid of it all but she barely has time think of a haircut, with all the promo for her new album. 

Hayley stops brushing her hair to glance at Taylor and the quiet hiss he let out, “Fuck, that’s gonna burn later,” he stands with his back towards the mirror, looking back at himself over his shoulder with a big smile that he can’t even begin to conceal.  

She stares at the pink lines that run over his back and her green eyes widen. “Gods, I did that?” She puts her brush down, hovering a finger over one of the angry lines.  

 “Yeah, it’s okay though, I should be used to it by now really” he says with a chuckle, looking to the side at her, meeting her eyes with a grin on his face. Taylor leans down to kiss her, burying his hands in her hair, messing it up though she had just brushed it out.  

Hayley laughs against his lips, pushing him away, “Don’t fuck with me, I will brush out those little russet curls of yours,” she mockingly threatens not remembering at time she felt as happy as she does just then.  

 “Put the brush down, you know I’d rather you do it with your fingers, Hayles” Taylor counters, looping his hands around her waist.  

 “This is why you’re always late to things, now?” Hayley scoffs him. She holds her brush against his chest, watching his eyes dart down to it before meeting her eyes. The mischievous going in his amber eyes is one she has become quite familiar with.  

 “I could be early if I tried” he says, hands ghosting her waist, “but I like it when you make me late.” 

 “I’ll try not to give into you then now that we’ll be roommates” 

“It’ll be hard, but I can try to live with that” Taylor’s hands go up her arms as he slowly spins her around, pulling her into his chest. He brings his lips to her shoulder and Hayley leans back in his embrace, her eyes following their reflections in the mirror, his closed eyes as he holds her tight. 

This is home.  

 

Chapter 16: Just a Lover

Summary:

“I got a text from him today”
She isn’t sure what she’s expecting.
Surprise maybe? Anger? Jealousy? Hayley, herself, didn’t know how she felt about it, except she does.
The tiny blonde didn’t think she could ever see his name flash on the screen without it ripping her open, yet all she felt today was a strong desire to scream her lungs out at the fact she had wasted ten years in such a bad place, the follow up though, was an itching in her whole body a need really, to feel Taylor close. (The very thing she had tried to fight going for a midnight walk in the rain around Manchester in her pajamas).
But of course, there’s not a lick of shock anywhere on Taylor’s face.
Instead, he has the nerve to smile at her with almost borderline amusement?
No, not amusement, more like smugness. Like he’d known all along that this would happen.
And okay she did too but there’s no need for him to rub it in.
Hayley is about to tell him so, but then Taylor steps closer, infringing on her personal space and making it even harder to think clearly.
“Told you he would try to get to you one more time” he tells her quietly; eyes never leaving her face. “Is that why you’re here?”   

Notes:

Last one from FFV, what a beautiful album she made.
TW* lots of angst and some smut*

  WINTER 2019     

Hayley sits in the garden replaying the same memory over and over, it’s too cold to sit outside really, but she can’t make herself move, not even with her lips turning blue.   

 

>>>>>>>>>>January 2018, Manchester  

11PM  

Her heart is pounding so hard, she wonders if she’s having a heart attack.   

It’s surely possible, and Hayley thinks she might even deserve it for showing up here.   

She doesn’t actually know what she’s doing, but it seems like she’s lost all common sense.   

The tension had been boiling between them since that night outside his house two weeks ago and Hayley was sure she was going mad at this point. Every little interaction felt like they were playing with fire, the subtle brush of fingers when he guided her through the hall, looks that lingered a bit too long to be just friendly, the way they would catch each other's eyes on stage, etc.   

The tiny blonde’s standing in front of his hotel room in the middle of the night. Heavy jacket draped over her pajamas and probably looking like a crazy person to anyone passing by.   

She’s about to turn around and head back to her own room, but then she hears guitar playing inside and her heart starts beating faster at the possibility that he also can’t sleep, because he’s thinking of her.    

Whatever nerves were rushing through her morph into an adrenaline rush that carries her to knock on the door with her whole fist, there’s a little commotion inside as he approaches to go open the door and all the words to the speech Hayley had prepared on her way here goes out the window when she’ confronted with the sight of a disheveled, confused looking Taylor.   

The first thing Hayley thinks is how utterly adorable he looks with his hair all rumpled and sleepy eyes. She bites back the laugh bubbling up inside her because she’s so sure Taylor would not appreciate being called adorable or cute or any other word also used to describe a teddy bear.   

“Is everything okay? What are you doing here this late?”   

And because she doesn’t have an answer for him, the tiny blonde pushes passed him and into the warmth of his room.   

As soon as she's inside, the frantic energy that propelled her here comes back tenfold, and she doesn’t even hear him shut the door and move closer through the rush of blood in her ears.   

When she can see him clearly again, can see the concern in his eyes and three-day-old stubble on his face, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.   

“I got a text from him today”   

She isn’t sure what she’s expecting.   

Surprise maybe? Anger? Jealousy? Hayley, herself, didn’t know how she felt about it, except she does.    

The tiny blonde didn’t think she could ever see his name flash on the screen without it ripping her open, yet all she felt today was a strong desire to scream her lungs out at the fact she had wasted ten years in such a bad place, the follow up though, was an itching in her whole body a need really, to feel Taylor close. (The very thing she had tried to fight going for a midnight walk in the rain around Manchester in her pajamas).   

But of course, there’s not a lick of shock anywhere on Taylor’s face.   

Instead, he has the nerve to smile at her with almost borderline amusement?   

No, not amusement, more like smugness. Like he’d known all along that this would happen.   

And okay she did too but there’s no need for him to rub it in.   

Hayley is about to tell him so, but then Taylor steps closer, infringing on her personal space and making it even harder to think clearly.   

“Told you he would try to get to you one more time” he tells her quietly; eyes never leaving her face. “Is that why you’re here?”   

And because she still doesn’t have an answer for him, Hayley takes a second to look around the room.   

Her eyes land on his clothes neatly folded on the desk chair, and it’s such a Taylor like thing to do, to have all his things ready for the next day. It’s ridiculous that something so mundane takes her breath away, but it does.    

She thinks of her own room and how her suitcase is currently sitting in the middle of the floor unzipped with clothes sticking out of it and how that simple thing is such a reflection of them both and that maybe she shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t disturbed his perfectly neat, folded clothes.    

But then there’s Taylor standing in front of her in an old me without you t-shirt from a show she’s sure they attended together, and before she can talk herself out of it, Hayley’s yanking him towards her and pressing her mouth against his.   

He doesn’t kiss her back, not right away, but his hands still find their home on her hips and even though he's not even moving against her, Hayley knows she's done for.    

And so, when Taylor does pull away, eyes now wilder and darker than they’d been a moment ago, she searches for the best way to convey why she came here.   

“I’m not here because of the stupid text. I’m here because of you.”   

His hold tightens almost instantly, and there’s a twitch in his jaw that suddenly seems like the sexiest thing she’s ever seen, and she knows she’s got him, but just in case he reconsiders – which honestly, this isn’t one of her best ideas. To fuck her best friend and bandmate, the one she might be in love with, who she’s pretty sure has been in love with her for years, but she never said she was rational, so just in case, Hayley leans up and kissed that spot that just twitched a moment ago, and then looks him dead in the eye.   

“Don’t you want me?”   

And she knows it’s selfish, and that all of this might be a colossal mistake, but it all ceases to matter the second Taylor exhales, as if in surrender, and then he’s drawing her closer towards his mouth with a hand on the back of her neck and the other firmly on her waist, and Hayley knows there’s no going back.   

Her jacket gets shed instantly, followed by his t-shirt, and she doesn’t stop kissing him, not even long enough to catch her breath.   

She feels the loud beat of his heart under her palm, feels the flex of muscle as she gets as close to him as she possibly can, tracing whatever skin she can reach with her hands, with her tongue, lips burning from the intensity of his kisses.   

The only time they pull apart is when she decides she’s wearing entirely too many clothes and pulls her sleep shirt over her body.   

The way he gazes at her, like she’s his greatest heaven and hell wrapped into one, well nobody’s ever looked at Hayley like that before, and she feels drunk on it.   

On his eyes, and on his touch, and on his words as he pulls her closer again.   

“Gods, you’re so beautiful.”   

As much as she wants to revel in it, she knows she can’t because if she even stops to think about what they’re doing, what she’s selfishly initiated, she might stop altogether, and she really doesn’t want to stop.   

No, she wants to feel his skin against hers, wants to know exactly what those skilled hands can do, and how quickly he can make her lose it, because she thinks it might be very, very quick.   

And so, she pushes him towards the cream-colored couch in his hotel room amidst his protests that they should really do this on the bed. 

“Later” she mumbles before pulling off her bottoms and telling him to do the same, and they don’t talk after that. 

But she still commits to memory the look of complete awe that passes Taylor’s face as she moves to straddle him. 

How reverently his hands explore her body. 

How warm and wet his tongue is on the slope of her breast. 

How perfectly he stretches her as she sinks on top of him and how he digs his fingers insistently into her scalp, pulling her back by her hair, so he can sink his teeth into her throat. 

And Hayley doesn’t think she’ll ever forget the absolutely mind-numbing bolt of pleasure that shoots through her when he presses his thumb against her and starts to rub in time with the swivel of her hips. 

And how right before she’s about to come, she bites into that spot on his jaw again and he unravels beneath her, with her; thrusting up so hard that she’s sure he’s marked her in a way that no one else has. 

After, she drapes herself over him and kisses the sweat from his brow, and she doesn’t even argue when he finally gets his wish and carries her to his bed. 

She doesn’t think she’ll ever feel as satiated and content as she does then, but of course, the tiny blonde’s never made things easy for herself. 

So, when she wakes up some hours later to find him completely wrapped around her, and who knew he was such a clingy sleeper?, the first thing that crosses her mind is how she could see herself sleeping next him every night, but she barely has time to linger on the thought before alarms start going off in her head.   

All the reasons why this is completely and utterly wrong, fear forcing her out of his embrace and fueling the way she hurries to get dressed again.   

When she passes the clothes on his chair again on her way out, she almost changes her mind.   

But then that suffocating fear comes back.   

And stupid her. She lets it push her out the door.    

 

7AM    

Is light in this winter morning, and he’s been pacing outside Zac’s hotel room for the best part of the past ten minutes.   

Taylor can't wrap his head around it and needs his best friend right now but doesn’t know how to do this, because their careless actions actually do affect him as well and with that thought in mind, he’s about to turn around and leave but the door flings open, displaying a sleepy looking Zac whose eyes become quickly alert at the sight of a broken looking Taylor and all he can do is give in.   

“OMG, are you ok? What's wrong” he says in a (justified) panic voice moving to hold his friend upright, since the curly haired man has collapsed in painful sobs without even making it one step into the room.   

“I fucked it up Z, we … we..” He tries to say but nothing that's coming out of his mouth, is making sense at all. His oldest friend is confused and scared, but has the right state of mind to pull him up from the floor and inside the room.  

Once he has Taylor sat on the bed, Zac grabs a bottle of water pouring some in a glass with a bit of sugar, because this is very close to every anxiety induced episode, he's ever witness from him.   

“Here” he says sternly, pushing the glass his way and rubbing soft comforting circles on his back to try an get him to breathe more evenly.   

Taylor drinks the water with shaking hands, struggling to breath properly in between his sobs, and though it takes a while, Zac stays put, guiding him through a breathing exercise until he’s a bit calmer.   

“T, you’re scaring me” Zac says carefully, “what’s wrong?”   

He looks up from where his head is buried in his hands, and the sadness in them strikes the younger man, wondering what in the hell could’ve have him in this state and Zac hates his own mind for even thinking about Hayley.   

“We slept together” Taylor manages with a quiet voice that doesn’t sound like him at all   

“You slept together?” Zac repeats in a confused tone, because clearly that’s not it, no, it can’t be that why his best friend showed up early morning to his hotel room, looking this broken.   

“Me and Hayley” he clarifies, as if there was any doubt in his friend's mind about who he's referring to.  

“Not shit sherlock, I gather that much. Did something happen though? Apart from the obvious?” Zac says with a slight teasing tone, in an attempt to relax him, but his friend huffs in annoyance.  

“Not funny, Zac I'm serious!”    

“I’m sorry but I'm not understanding anything here, so you have to help me”    

“You and Hayley, slept together” he tells him slowly, watching his friend nod “was it bad?”   

“What!!?”   

“Was it bad?” Zac repeats with a small smile   

“No, it wasn’t bad! it was good, great even but I...” He doesn’t get to finish because his bandmate/best friend interrupts him, before he can spiral any further.   

“Then what is it T? You like her” Zac begins knowing full well that it is much more than that but ok “She clearly feels the same, you’re both single adults and the sex was banging” he says slowly, like he’s talking to a child and the curly haired man eyes widen.  

“What do you mean, what is it?!”   

“W-E, S-L-E-P-T T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R" he half yells  

“And it was G-O-O-D" Zac counter backs, grasping onto what’s really happening here.   

“Stop it!”   

“No, Taylor, I'm serious, why does it matter? You have to stop, holding yourself back from things that can be good for you, both of you!”    

“But Zac, you know that this is wrong, with the band, and the divorce and...”   

“Fuck all of that! no one gets to tell you or Hayley how to live your lives” his friend says in exasperation  

“What you two have is too rare to throw away just like that, and c’mon T, You guys deserve some happiness” Zac tells him seriously  

Taylor stands from the bed pacing back and forth, because what if Zac’s right? And he’s making it out to be something bad, when is not.    

“You don’t understand Z, she left. She came onto to me and I really thought it was something more but clearly it was only a one-time thing for her” he tells his best friend, devasted and now, now Zac really gets it.   

“Taylor...” He starts in a soft voice, “Talk to her. I don’t know what made her do that, but if I had to guess, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what he put her through”   

“So, talk to her” he finishes.   

 

Glasgow, 1 AM   

She wasn’t expecting to get much sleep that night and she was right. After tossing and turning for hours, brown eyes invading her every thought, she finally just says fuck it and gets up. She was tired of forcing something that's clearly not happening. He's not talking to her.  

She slides out of her hotel room and makes her way down the hall, ever since they had slept together two nights ago and she had left in the early hours, Taylor's disappeared from the face of the earth.   

She knows he’s pissed, that much is clear, and it might all be her fault, but Hayley feels a desperate need to know what he’s thinking, how he feels about what happened. Hence the lack of rest.   

She walks the two meters that separate her room from Taylors and debates whether to knock or not, now that she’s in the same position as two nights ago.  

There’s a quiet stirring on the other side making her wonder if He’s awake or just having a bad dream like she did the night before and right as she’s about to put her ear to the door, it flies open, and Hayley’s met with the most beautiful brown eyes she knows she’ll ever see.   

She notices that Taylor’s fully dressed even with how late in the night it is, and she stammers out a reason for her sudden appearance, but he doesn't stay long enough to listen, saying that he’s going out. She never gets the chance to ask for a real response before he disappears, leaving her alone to wonder. How fucking ironic.   

Hayley doesn’t know what to do with herself. Surely, she can’t go after him, he told her he needed to think, and she tried to get him to talk to her and failed miserably, so pressing him again will probably get her the same result.   

But she wants, no, needs to talk to Taylor, have a real one on one conversation about everything that has been revealed without words since that night.   

If she goes back to her room to wait for him, she’ll miss him coming back she thinks, so she slides down the wall to sit on the floor waiting for Taylor, while she lets her mind run freely at all the possible ways a conversation between them could make things even worse.   

She doesn’t really know how long she stays there waiting but at some point, her eyes begin to get droopy, maybe a short nap wouldn’t be too bad, she thinks to herself while leaning her head back against the wall and closing her eyes.   

But her eyes only stay closed for a few seconds before she hears the door at the end of the hall open and sees Taylor appear from behind it.   

He takes in her appearance and then sighs deeply, “What are you doing on the floor, Hayles?” he asks in an almost defeated tone.   

She stands, feeling her heart thumping loudly in her ears “I was waiting for you T, I was worried. We should talk” Hayley rushes out the words.   

Taylor looks beaten, like he’s losing an internal battle within himself, and no longer has the strength to keep the fight up. He ignores her, walking into his bedroom but leaving his door open, knowing she’s sure to follow him inside.   

“T, talk to me, please!” she tries in a softer voice now,   

He gives her a good once over before silently walking into his bathroom and then closing the door behind him.   

Of course, she fucking stayed up and waited for him Taylor curses quietly, she’s not making this easier for him to deal with. Whatever it is he’s dealing with, he doesn’t even fucking know anymore.  

If Hayley doesn’t feel the same way that he feels for her, which he’s like 99% certain she does but he can really tell with her anymore after her constant mixed signals, well then the best he can give is to ignore her to a certain degree, try and keep things professional between them, that seems to be the only way to go about it now but, what if she’s come to tell him she does feel the same?, that’s a whole other path and Taylor thinks he’d be more than willing to take it with her if she asked, so why can't he let himself have this talk then?  

He walks over to the sink and turns on the tap with shaking hands, letting the cool water run before splashing his face, then lightly turning it off and leaning against the sink clenching his fist.   

He hears her knock on the door but chooses to keep her away a little bit longer, opting for pacing back and forth the length of the bathroom instead.  

His heart's hammering against his rib cage and he feels the need to release pent up frustration, wishing he could punch the mirror or something but what good would that do him really?  Taylor sighs, moving to sit down on the closed toilet seat with his head on his hands as Hayley’s gentle knocks turn into loud desperate bangs, and it’s then that he can’t fucking take it anymore.   

He swings the door open angrily, not even trying to hide his annoyance anymore, “Would you please fucking stop with that?”   

She enters the room turning back to face him immediately “No! Not until you fucking talk to me!”   

Taylor leans his head against the door frame sighing “Fine, what do you want to talk about?” he tells her, pushing himself off the door and closing it behind them.   

He takes her silence as fear, and looks at her up and down in quiet panic. She’s wearing an old band shirt and the smallest shorts known to mankind, surely trying to torture him some more. His breath gets caught in his throat at how radiantly beautiful she is, he’s always thought so but, in this moment, it feels more real than ever.   

Hayley bites her bottom lip nervously and it takes all of his self-control not to pull her closer right then and bite it for her.   

“You can’t honestly stand there and tell me you have nothing to say about what happened the other night” she tells him with an edge of annoyance to her voice.   

He stands there expecting her to continue and he’s a little confused when she doesn’t, “And?”   

She folds her arms across her chest and her t shirt reveals a bit more skin with the movement, “And I want to know how you feel about it T, you've not said a word to me and have been ignoring me for the past two days”   

He’s pissed, and scared, and turned on, and everything in between.    

“As far as I’m concerned it doesn’t matter how I feel about it, right Hayley? You’ve made it pretty clear it meant nothing when you left in the middle of the night” he tells her a bit louder than he would’ve liked   

Hayley starts to match his anger then “So what, we fuck and that’s it then? We don’t talk ever again. Is that how it is Taylor? She tells him throwing the words at him, biting her lip again and Taylor thinks he’s about to fucking lose it.   

“God, Hayley, what do you fucking want from me?!”   

“I want you to be honest with me Taylor! I want this cat and mouse game we play to be over, and I want...”   

He’s officially out of patience, moving to stand closer to her now.   

“And what?!”   

“I want you; I want you Taylor and I fucked up leaving but that’s nothing to do with how I feel about you and I...”   

The words die on her lips as Taylor closes the rest of the distance between them, pushing her back against the wall and crashing his lips against hers, hard.    

His hands grip her waist with desperation, and she wraps her arms around his shoulders, holding him tighter to her, Taylor’s hands continue to roam her skin and she groans on his neck at the feeling, they breath heavily, unable to get enough of each other and Hayley slips her arms from around his shoulder to grip at his neck, pulling his hair softly with her fingers.  

She felt dizzy, the intensity of the moment and the insisting way he kissed her, as if his life depended on it, she never wanted it to end, not then, not now. never wanted to lose the way her whole body filled with goosebumps when he kissed her.  

Eventually, they had slow down, drawing back suddenly to press their foreheads together, releasing ragged breaths but Taylor didn't stay put for long, moving to press deep pecks against her lips, still holding her close as they caught their breaths in the quiet hotel room.  

Finally, he gave her one more slow soul stirring kiss before pulling his head back.   

And that’s the moment she thinks.   

Because when Hayley glanced up at him again, the intensity of his brown eyes staring back at her, let her know that they could never get back to how they were before that day and what’s more, she didn't want to.   

It took months for her to admit all of that to Taylor obviously, jumping into a sort of relationship that was anything but casual even if they had Labeled it that because the word felt safer.   

Yet not even that could’ve prepared Hayley for how she feels now, because although in that moment she knew they could never go back to being just friends (if they ever were) she never pictured herself ending up being Just another ex-Lover. 

 Fifteen years of friendship be damn.    

 

 

Love is not a friend, it's not a brother    

Love is not a Wendy-Moira-mother    

Love has turned me into many others    

Now I guess I'm just    

Just a lover    

 

Once upon a time, when we were school kids    

Mix CDs and carpool kids    

No little cameras to witness    

Really hope we don't wreck this    

When you coming over?    

Just a lover  

  

Space and time    

Waking hours before I    

Open my eyes    

In the morning, I feel my    

Heart crack open     

One last chorus  

  

Space and time    

Waking hours before I    

Open my eyes    

In the morning, I feel my    

Heart crack open    

One last chorus, I'll be singin' into    

Empty glasses    

No more music for the masses    

One more hour    

One more ugly, stillborn cry    

I know exactly what this is    

Or whatever it was    

Or whatever it was    

   

Chapter 17: Why we ever

Summary:

"Caught you," he murmured, his voice soft and laced with affection.
She leaned back into him, feeling the solid warmth of his chest against her back. "Caught me doing what, exactly?"
"Being too far away," he replied, his lips curving into a smile that Hayley could feel against her skin. His arms tightened around her waist as he pulled her closer, swaying slightly from side to side.
A quiet laugh escaped her as she rested your hands over his. "I'm right here, T."
"Not close enough," he teased, his voice a low rumble. She could hear the smile in his tone, and it made Hayley’s heart flutter in that familiar way that only he could cause. 

Notes:

This is one of my favorite songs from PFA and I have a theory that this was the actual make up song that got them back together 🙊, with the things she's said about self sabotaging their relationship and also the little videos plus knowing she kinda produce it herself. I think she sent it to Taylor, sort of like an olive branch. Also DON'T think their "break up" (if there ever was such a thing), was as cut and dry as I made it look in the stories, so let's take it with a grain of salt and in pure fun.
Much Love Em x
TW* alludes to smut, depression, mental health troubles and lots of feelings.

Open your mouth  
Say something warm  
I've spent a while  
On the stranger's side of your door  
How do you sound?  
What do you look like now?  
I try to replicate our movements in my mind  

And now I  
Can't seem to remember why, we ever  
Felt we had to say goodbye (Ah-ha)  
I can't seem to remember why  
Can't seem to remember why  

Tin-can telephone  
From your home to my home  
I can't feel your energy no more  
No more, no more (No more, no more, no more)  
No more, no more (No more, no more, no more)  
No more, no more  

And now I  
Can't seem to remember why we ever  
Felt we had to say goodbye  
I can't seem to remember why  
And darling we ever  
Can't seem to remember why  

I spent the weekend at home again  
Drawing circles on the floor  
Tried to keep myself from hurting  
Don't know why anymore  

I just wanna talk about it  
I know I freaked you out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out  
I just wanna talk about it  
I know I freaked you out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out  

Sorry for freaking out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out  

March 2019  

The steam mingles around them, whisking away the sleep away from her body. It lingers in the air and it almost feels like she’s on a cloud.   

She watches as the hot water ripples down his chest, soaking the dark hair that covers the surface. She’s missed this, their quiet bubble of casual intimacy.    

Water hits her face from off his elbows as he lathers his curly hair with shampoo. She laughs it off and goes on her toes to kiss his lips.   

It’s felt too long, she can’t help but bask in the feeling of being near him once again after months of just wondering and pinning. Those moments when they were apart, no matter how little it seems in context, cause what are four months in a lifetime? and yet logic has no place in matters of the heart, because for Hayley, her chest ached to be near him again, every single day.  

He smiles with his eyes closed and continues scrubbing. He’s forever fascinating to stare at. The slope of his button nose, the five o clock shadow that covers the bottom half of his face, and that wonderful ridge between his eyebrows. She could stare at him for hours and never get bored. She takes the opportunity to do so while his eyes are closed.   

Hayley never intended on becoming a girl who is utterly obsessed with a man. That had always been more of Brian’s thing, she only ever laughed at that. The tiny blonde used to grimace at the thought of boys, she would rather challenge them to a race than ever hold their hand.   

She’s always been distant, in every small fling she’s had, she’s never found it the right time to open up to people in a healthy way. Hayley never realized this, not until she found her way to Taylor, not until she was laying in his bed with her head on his chest and he told her all about his childhood memories and the things he wants to do before he dies.   

Again, Hayley’s never been much for romance, but she believes her and Taylor are one of the few cases of love at first sight, even if it took some twists along the way to get it right. He’s everything she used to be against– the caring man who comes in to protect her, a bit shy and quiet at times, despite being a man who nurtures and loves even over his own needs.   

She would never tell anyone else all that though.  

“Stop staring.”  

Hayley laughs. “How do you know that I’m staring,” she asks defiantly. The tiny blonde wraps her arms around his middle and leaves a few kisses on his wet body. Hot water hits both their bodies.   

She knows now, or has for a while, that things aren’t so black and white. That she can love and still be considered whole without him. It’s not that she needs him in her life, it’s that she wants him there , part of every small or grand moment.   

“I know how you are,” Taylor replies. His laughter is deep, the sound always sets her chest alight.   

She goes on her toes to give him another kiss.   

After their shower, they find themselves in each other’s arms all over again. They’d only just made up the night before, after a long overdue talk, lots of growth on their own and four painful months of not seeing one another. 

The fresh sheets set out in her bed are already dampened by their bodies. Regardless, Taylor lays her down and kisses every inch of her body that he finds. She laughs as he does, his beard is still slightly wet and the kisses tickle her skin.   

She doesn’t push him away though, has missed him too much to ever do. Taylor kisses her neck, her collarbones, her chest, and the further he goes down, the less it tickles and the more it has her anticipating where he’s going with it.   

Hayley rejoices in how well she knows him, even now, knows exactly the path he’s making and she tips her head back already a little dizzy.   

Back in when things hadn’t gotten so messy, her and Taylor had been unofficially moved in since quite early on in their relationship. The first few months of living together had been a pure accident. She had been in his living room and remembered that she and Alf hadn’t spent a night in her own bed in over two months.   

After that, Hayley found herself pulling away, Taylor being himself, didn’t allow her to. Instead, they spoke about it and decided it didn’t have to be such a big deal. 

Since then, Taylor’s house has been their home. And this is the first time in forever that he’s actually visited her home instead.   

Her curly haired lover’s more of a private person, reserved and off most social media. And yet he was the first one to make her feel like this was real, inviting her to a family gathering as his girlfriend. Being at the York’s house as his life partner and not just his friend, still to this day, stirs her stomach just a little bit.   

He goes in with his lips first, kissing her hips, her thighs, generally keeping away from where her impatience really wants him to be. It aches, just dully, but enough for her to want to pull him by his hair.   

She knows he likes to take his time, so she allows it for a moment. Until it’s a moment too long.   

“You really want to make your woman beg, don’t you?” Hayley whines.   

When he laughs, his breath tickles her. “Trying to savour every moment, missed you too much” he smiles. Just then, he tips his head down and puts his tongue exactly where it’s been aching.   

Hayley covers her mouth to moan. She’s really glad that Joey declined the offer to hang with them the night before. No matter how rebellious she might have been as a teen, her friends hearing how much Taylor could truly unravel her was not something she wanted.   

Her fingers delve into his hair. His beautiful brown curls are cold and damp to the touch, still, she holds onto him and lets his mouth do the work.   

She catches a glimpse of his honey eyes staring up at her from where he lays between her legs. He laughs at the sight of her and it reverberates throughout her body. Taylor was often times too proud of himself. Only she sees this side of him and she’s happy to have that honor.   

Somewhere between the way she writhes in his grasp, he slips a finger into her and Hayley doesn’t have time to stop the sound that slips out of her lips.   

It feels like they’ve spent years apart, not the simple four months apart.   

Hayley pulls herself up onto her elbows and stares down at him. “Taylor, Taylor, please just get up here,” she says. He looks up at her with concern, wiping his mouth with his palm and waiting. “Just kiss me. We’ll take all our time later.”  

He laughs and takes hold of her body. She eases into his kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him close. Even just the feeling of his warm body against hers makes her craving satiated a tiny bit. But not completely.   

Taylor lays her down and gazes into her eyes with a longing that makes her heart melt. “I’ve missed you so much” he says, pushing her hair back with a comforting hand. “I can’t tell you how pathetic it’s been to be without you.”   

Hayley finds herself giggling, even as he eases his body between her legs and puts his weight on her and all of his weight is almost too much for the tiny blonde to bear, and yet, he knows by now, how much she can handle.   

He goes slow, just as he’s been wanting, but not too slow that she needs to beg him for more. He knows her.   

“I’ve missed you too,” Hayley pouts at him. She lets her legs wrap around his body. “I’ve been my own brand of pathetic. Everything I’ve done, I’ve been wondering what you’re doing.”   

He kisses her so deep and she can feel his smile pressed against her lips. They move in sync. His hands touch her body exactly where she wants them and she holds him closer, hearing his own groans.   

It doesn’t take long of them fondling one another before she puts her hands between their bodies. Hayley allows a moment of pure ego to watch him groan as she touches him. She allows a few strokes, he’s already wet from rubbing against her and his own excitement that drips off the tip of him.   

Her thumb circles the head with each stroke and he buries his face in her shoulder. When she pulls away and laughs. He stays still and kisses her neck.   

“You cruel woman,” he jokes. Taylor takes her wrists in his hand and raises his eyebrows at her.   

“Don’t keep me waiting, not anymore” Hayley retorts from underneath him. She sees the look in his eyes. He wants to taunt her, make it last and last, but his more primal instincts kick in and he gives in.   

Taylor sinks into her with a deep breath, followed by an even deeper groan. He stills for a moment, most likely to gain his bearings before he begins some sort of rhythm.   

Each movement keeps her full and has her holding onto Taylor desperately. She kisses him, even if her lips can’t keep up with how her body feels. Instead she just breathes him in.   

He kisses her forehead and mutters a simple, “I love you,” before putting an arm beneath her waist to coax her up.   

Hayley feels giddy at the movement. In his lap, she holds onto his face to stare into his eyes. “I love you too, baby” she says with a deep kiss.   

They’re still for a moment, with him sat up on his knees and her securely in his lap. Their lips take that moment to move together. Their tongues bask in one another and Hayley thinks that happiness can be more than fleeting, if it’s with him.  

Open your mouth  
Say something warm  
I've spent a while  
On the stranger's side of your door  
   

 

January 2019   

Life settles into a rhythm, like it always does.  

It’s a flow very similar to the one before and so different at the same time, Hayley thinks. The notorious absence of Taylor is the most distinctive change, and she tries hard to avoid the reminders, like the fact that she could probably talk to him through a tin can telephone with how close his house is. yet the universe has a cruel sense of humor, and though they live within minutes from each other, She’s never felt further away from him.  

It all comes crushing down on top of her on a Tuesday morning.  

She’s on her way to the office, following the google map directions so she can pick up the samples Brian had asked her to. She takes the third turn the voice suggests and it leads her into a street that she knows too well, bringing her back to a much happier time, when the warm September air had been the perfect ambiance, for two equally nervous lovers taking a leap on their relationship with their first date.  

Hayley looks at herself in the mirror for what must be the hundredth time. She wonders if she should have just worn something simpler, afraid that her purple dress and heels might be too much? She sighs in self-inflicted distress and takes a deep breath to calm her nerves. 

This is Taylor, she reminds herself smiling softly at the thought

She changes the heels in favor of a pair of sneakers that make her feel a lot more like Hayley and checks her phone to see if there’s time to face time Brian and get a second opinion on her outfit and makeup. 

She almost goes back to her closet to change the dress when the sound of the front door stops her, and Hayley smiles softly at the fact that he’s here on time, 6.30 on the dot. 

Just calm down. 

She runs down the stairs of her house, unable to just walk calmly and there he is, standing at the entrance, smiling nervously at her when she opens the front door. 

“Hi” she says and for some reason her voice sounds breathless 

His smile widens when he sees her and his eyes take her in from head to toe, making her cheeks blush at the action. 

“Hey” he tells her with a tone full of longing that matched with the ways he’s looking at her makes her want to skip the art show altogether and just pull him inside and up to her room. 

She snaps out of it, when Taylor moves his hand from behind him to present her with a bouquet of the most beautiful flowers she’s ever seen. 

“This are for you” he tells her extending his hand for her to take the bouquet 

“Oh T, you didn’t have to” Hayley’s eyes soften at him, letting out a big breath, overwhelmed by the gesture “This are lovely, thank you” 

She pauses for a moment before taking a step forward to grab the back of his neck pulling him down for a lingering kiss, stroking the short hairs at the back of his head. 

When she pulls away, Taylor keeps their faces close nudging her cheek with his nose making them both grin. 

Her stomach flutters when he puts his lips to her ear to whisper how pretty she looks in a low voice, keeping her near with his hands on her back and after a moment She links their fingers pulling him into the house to put the flowers in water before they go. 

Hayley glances at him from the corner of her eye giving him her own once over admiring how he manages to look both adorable fidgeting with his hands, probably a bit anxious, but also extremely handsome in his short sleeve shirt that shows off his sexy arms and delicate tattoos. 

“where’s Alf?” he asks, looking around the place for the furry ball that’s noticeably absent from the scene and who would've surely already been all over him if he was in the house. 

“He’s spending the weekend with uncles Brian and Kolten” she says stifling a smile at the memory of Brian insisting he’d take the child so he wouldn’t get traumatized with what mamma would be up. (I mean he’s not wrong) 

“Really?” “Any reason in particular” Taylor asks moving to wrap his arms around her waist drawing her in, as she finishes with the flowers. 

She feels his breath across her shoulder and the smile on his lips. 

Hayley takes a minute to lean into him relishing the moment and shutting her eyes, trying to imprint the memory to her brain. 

She turns around to look him in the eyes before answering, “Yeah” She finally breathes out “I’m not letting you leave till Monday” 

It’s truly sinful the way he kisses her after that, and Hayley could die happy today for all she cared, He really is stupidly gorgeous, she thinks. 

Taylor lets her hand slide down his forearm taking him by the hand to pull them out of the house, if they don’t leave now, they won't make it to the gallery at all.  

“Miss, what kind of coffee would you like?” The barista repeats, shaking her out of her trance. After picking up the samples she needed a bit of caffeine to get her through the day, stopping at her (their) favorite coffee shop.  

“Sorry no, not coffee I’d like a medium oat matcha latte please” she tells the girl in the register in a monotone.  

“Would you like the homemade oat milk with that?”  

“Yes, please” Hayley answers feeling a sharp pain in her heart at the question, because she can still hear him in her mind  

 Hayles you’ve got to try this new place, the coffee is great, they have matcha AND they make their own oat milk!...  

She pays for her drink, moving to stand at the far left of the coffee shop where the other baristas are preparing the drinks, waiting for her own.  

“Oat matcha for Hayley” The young blonde girl calls to the room  

And Hayley walks the three meters from her spot to get her drink as the girl’s eyes widen in recognition  

“OMG!! You’re Hayley Williams from Paramore!!” She says in an excited tone putting her hand over her mouth  

“That I am” she tells her smiling softly  

“I’m huge fan! you guys are so great and After Laughter helped me through so much shit last year” the girls babble in a hurried voice  

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, is just I can’t believe I’ve met you and Taylor in the same week, like when is Zac dropping by so I can at least be prepared for that!!”  

“It’s alright, you don’t make me uncomfortable. never think that you’ve actually been very sweet and I’m happy to hear you enjoyed After Laughter” Hayley tells her in calm voice, seeing the girl relax at her words.  

“I wish I could hang longer but I’m in a bit of a rush, do you want to take a picture?”  She tells the girl, trying her best to keep her shit together 5 more minutes and faking her best smile.  

“Yes please, I’d love that and thank you so much for being so nice” she says.  

 They take the photo, and Hayley says bye sweetly to the girl before grabbing her drink, making as quick of an exit from the place as she can manage.  

Once she gets to the seat of her car, she collapses into the steering wheel with a full body cry.  

FUCK! She was not prepared to hear his name today and least of all, to get information about how he’s doing from a stranger. Even the girl at the coffee shop knew how he looked now, how he sounded, and that FUCKING hurts too much.  

Because all she has are memories, memories that feel like bullet shots, because as much as she tries and tries to make sense of it all sitting on the floor of her house for hours on end, she can’t even remember what had even started the fight that night, and again that hurts too much.  

How do you sound?  
What do you look like now?  
I try to replicate our movements in my mind 

And now I  
Can't seem to remember why, we ever  
Felt we had to say goodbye (Ah-ha)  
I can't seem to remember why  
Can't seem to remember why   

 

October 2018  

The rain drummed lightly against the kitchen windows, a soothing backdrop to the quiet evening. The warmth on the inside contrasted with the chill outside, and the soft lighting in the kitchen casts a cozy glow over the room. She stood by the counter, absentmindedly drying the last of the dishes from dinner, the lingering aroma of spices still hanging in the air. 

From the living room, Hayley could hear the low hum of a guitar. Taylor was strumming softly, fingers dancing over the strings as he worked out a melody. It wasn’t uncommon for him to lose himself in his music, even during moments like these, where the world seemed to slow down, and it was just the two of them, wrapped in the comfort of home. 

She smiled to herself, the gentle melody mixing with the rain. It was moments like these that Hayley treasured most—quiet, intimate, and full of warmth. There was no need for grand gestures or words; just being in each other's presence was enough with him. 

As she finished drying the last plate, Hayley felt a familiar warmth at her back. Taylor had quietly crept up behind her, his arms snaking around her waist as he pressed himself gently against the tiny blonde. His chin came to rest on her shoulder, and she felt the slight scruff of his stubble brush against her neck. 

"Caught you," he murmured, his voice soft and laced with affection. 

She leaned back into him, feeling the solid warmth of his chest against her back. "Caught me doing what, exactly?" 

"Being too far away," he replied, his lips curving into a smile that Hayley could feel against her skin. His arms tightened around her waist as he pulled her closer, swaying slightly from side to side. 

A quiet laugh escaped her as she rested your hands over his. "I'm right here, T." 

"Not close enough," he teased, his voice a low rumble. She could hear the smile in his tone, and it made Hayley’s heart flutter in that familiar way that only he could cause. 

The rain continued its gentle tap against the windows, and for a moment, the two of them stood there in silence, just holding each other. The world outside seemed to melt away, leaving only the warmth of his embrace and the steady beat of her heart. 

"You know," he whispered after a while, his breath warm against her ear, "there's something about cuddles in the kitchen." 

The tiny blonde chuckled softly, turning her head slightly to catch a glimpse of his expression. His brown eyes were soft, filled with that quiet intensity she had come to love. "Yeah? What makes them so special?" 

He tilted his head, brushing his nose against her cheek. "It's the warmth, I think. The smell of home. The way everything feels... closer. Like we're in our own little world." 

Hayley’s heart swelled at his words, and she turned in his arms to face him fully. He was right—there was something uniquely intimate about this moment, standing in the kitchen, wrapped in each other's arms with the world shut out. It was simple, yet it felt like everything.  

She reached up, gently cupping his face in her hands, and Taylor leaned into her touch. "I think you're right," she murmured. "Our own little world, right here." 

He smiled that crooked, boyish smile that always made her heart skip a beat. "Exactly." 

For a moment, neither of them said anything. They just gazed into each other's eyes, lost in the warmth and comfort of the moment. Then, slowly, Taylor leaned down, his lips brushing against Hayley’s in a tender, lingering kiss. 

It was slow and sweet, filled with the kind of love that didn’t need words. His hands rested on her hips, pulling her closer as the kiss deepened slightly, though never losing its softness. When she finally pulled back, they were both smiling, foreheads resting against each other. 

"Think we should stay like this all night?" Hayley whispered; her voice filled with a playful lilt that had been missing for so long. 

"Tempting," he replied, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke. "But I think we’d eventually need to sit down." 

Hayley laughed softly, the sound mingling with the rain outside. "True. Can’t have you collapsing on me, T." 

"Wouldn't dream of it," he murmured, his hands trailing up her back, sending a pleasant shiver down her spine. 

The two of them eventually moved from the kitchen, settling down on the floor with their backs against the cabinets. Hayley leaned into him, his arm wrapped around her shoulders as she both enjoyed the quiet, content in the simple comfort of each other’s company. 

As the night wore on, the conversation flowed naturally—light teasing, shared memories, plans for the future. The warmth between the bandmates never faded, even as her eyelids grew heavy, and the world outside began to quiet down. 

And when Hayley finally decided to head to bed, it was with a sense of peace that only nights with him had ever brought. Taylor pulled her close under the covers, his hand gently brushing through her blonde hair as she drifted off to sleep, his whispered "I love you" the last thing she’d heard before she’d succumbed to the comfort of his arms. 

Tin-can telephone  
From your home to my home  
I can't feel your energy no more  
No more, no more (No more, no more, no more)  
No more, no more (No more, no more, no more)  
No more, no more  

But now she spent hours upon hours sat on the floor of her kitchen trying to come up with any reason as to how she’d gotten here. 

 

 

September 2017  

The tiny blonde can't tell when she fell for him. Can't find the exact moment it had been too late to turn back; to maybe even flee from him.  

Maybe it happened the moment she first ever laid eyes on him. Hayley had just moved to Franklin and had decided I couldn't just pass day by day alone in such a city - so she went to one of those high school football games and bumped into one of her new friends from school.  

She wasn't really there to watch the game, wasn't a big sports fan, after all so she sat on the bleachers humming quietly to the music and played some cards with that friend of hers that could drum like no body’s business and his shy but sweet curly haired best friend.  

Nothing seemed to change between the two of them even if the whole world around them changed constantly, it was always easy and comforting with Taylor. 

And now I  
Can't seem to remember why we ever  
Felt we had to say goodbye  
I can't seem to remember why  
And darling we ever  
Can't seem to remember why   

"You cheated," the curly Taylor exclaimed with a light chuckle when he had to draw another card. That had been the fifth card in a row that he’d to draw since he really didn't have any suitable card to lay down.  

"I'm not, I swear!" Hayley replied, blonde hair falling so effortlessly perfect from her shoulder that he couldn't help but admire her beauty.  

"Well, I need a cigarette after that unfair play of yours," he mumbled and shook his head.  

He had searched for the packs of cigarettes when she shook her head in response, as he raised from his seat and search for the exit. The exit was one of those doors to which followed one of those typical staircases which led to the sidewalk. Luckily, the venue knew their artist and there was a little bench on which Taylor sat down and lit his cigarette. The street wasn't empty; she remembers. There were a lot of people walking by and that was the reason why she had to step closer to him to make him hear her. At least that's what she told him.  

"Excuse me," the voice he learned to love in many, so many ways approached him. Taylor turned his head to look at where the familiar voice had come from, and Hayley knew by the way he was looking up at her; so kind, so soft and so, so, so curious that she was going to be trouble. "You've got a lighter?" 

Taylor’s eyes went down to her lips which were hiding a smile and the thing which he'd make sure that she knew just how much he wanted her, cause eyes never lied. Without a word, but with a teasing grin he began to search his pockets for that stupid, stupid lighter and took it out.  

Maybe it happened when Hayley, instead of taking the lighter to light the cigarette on her own, she leaned down and waited for him to light the cigarette for her. The way she slightly bent over, making him smell her perfume or the way she grinned down at his stunned hungry look and spoke more words than there are words in the bible, to push away the nervous feeling that lingered between them.  

"Thanks," she nonchalantly said. With another swift motion, she had taken the seat next to him and that made the curly haired man wonder exactly how smooth a person could be. Or maybe he, same as Hayley, was wondering how pretty a person could be without even seeming to try. "where did you even get your own cigarettes?" 

A frown crept its way onto her face at the question and her gaze caught his as I fired back:" what, can only have one when you offer it to me?" 

"Not what I meant" he shrugged but looked into the distance while taking a drag. "Wasn't expecting to see you getting into my bad habits, that’s all." 

"That it is" She replied. "I'm a bad bad girl now T, you’ve corrupted me" 

"For god's sake," he chuckled, his gaze studying her closely. "That's not my own doing" 

 Hayley shrugged and threw the cigarette onto the pathway. "I guess it was both our faults, then." 

I spent the weekend at home again  
Drawing circles on the floor  
Tried to keep myself from hurting  
Don't know why anymore   

"You should quit" this time it was his turn to carry a frown on his beautiful face. "Shouldn’t have ever started" 

Hayley took a quick glance and met his gaze once again. He had already been looking at her the entire time. He had already been looking. At her. 

"Uh, no," she told him, stumbling across her words but prayed he didn't notice it. 

He raised an eyebrow and suddenly looked very boyish even though the few lines on his face said something different. But to Hayley, those lines were what made him so much more beautiful. “We’ll both quit”  

Maybe Hayley fell for him when he called her out on her bullshit and still made her flustered and wobbly with only twelve letters and the promise that she was never alone. Or maybe it was the way they had talked about an hour at the end of the night and the tiny blonde wondered what would've happened if he realized she was already head over heels for him even then. 

 

 

November 2018  

I just wanna talk about it  
I know I freaked you out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out  
I just wanna talk about it  
I know I freaked you out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out   

“What did I do?” 

Her heart falls to her stomach and begins to ache like it’s never done before. It’s simultaneously on fire and corroding. 

His head drops low. “Or rather what did I not do? What have I done wrong?” 

The clock ticks. nineteen seconds later, he moves. 

His frame tightens and stands back up to his full weight. His body turns towards the tiny blonde and his hands reach out blindly, grabbing what they can. It ends up being her shoulders, but he’s not satisfied with it, not even when he pushes her back into the counter and yanks Hayley’s head up. 

“Tell me, "He whispers fiercely, his eyes dark. “Just tell me. I’ll fix it. Whatever it is, Hayles. Whatever it is.” 

His thumbs brush over her cheek, not quite in a romantic way, but in an automatic way. The cold air tells her that she’s crying. Crying was not in the plan. 

“Hayley” he says again, giving her a small shake. “Come back to me. I’m right here. I’m waiting for you. Tell me what to do! I don’t know what to do!” 

“I’m telling you what to do now,” she mutters. “I’m telling you to walk away.” 

His eyes widen and he tightens his fingers around her face harder. “Anything but that. I will do anything you want, no matter what it is, but I will not do that. I will not walk away and you better now walk away either or I’ll… I’ll…” 

There’s nothing he can do; he also knows that the only person who can help her in this situation is herself. 

And that’s what will help Hayley now. 

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” he says, thumbing her cheek. “You need help and I’m trying to help you. You don’t get to push me away.” 

“I’m telling you what I want, T.” 

“But you love me. I know you do. That’s the only thing I’m certain about right now.” 

She can’t deny that. “I do.” 

“So, why? What did I do wrong? Why are you doing this to us?” 

He absolutely deserves to be told why she’s taking his heart directly from his chest and stepping on it with spiked boots, but Hayley can’t bring herself to, suddenly overwhelmed by fatigue. Her green eyes slip from his face and he needs to hold her body up so she doesn’t fall. Perhaps it’s the lack of food or the little water intake that causes this sudden drop, but Taylor steps forward and lets her lean on him. 

If Taylor wasn’t there, she would have dropped to the floor and somehow that would hurt less than the guilt the tiny blonde feels right now. 

She doesn’t have an answer for him. He gives her a glass of water. 

“Can we talk about this more tonight?” he asks, but he resembles a small child asking his only friend not to ever leave him. Hayley’s heart aches and she’s out of words, so she nods. 

Taylor tucks her in and waits a long moment for Hayley to speak up. All the arguments in her head require effort and she can’t seem to even raise her head currently. He kneels besides her and runs his hand over and over her head. 

They sit in the dark, listening to that clock on the wall that reminds of just how much time is passing through her fingers and how she’ll never be able to stop it. The distance between the scathing words she’s said and Taylor’s silence stretches on and on until he finally presses his lips to Hayley’s, slowly, tenderly. 

He whispers, “If I leave, will you be okay? Will it help?” 

She nods. 

“Hayles, can you give me some sort of verbal response? I can’t see you very well.” 

In her small, pathetic voice, she says, “It’ll help.” 

He swears softly. “Are you sure? I’m really confused, Hayles. I don’t know what’s happening.” 

“I’ll be okay.” 

He swears again, much louder, and Hayley hears him press his forehead to the side table. “I don’t want this. Will you even hear me out if I try to argue with you?” 

“Please don’t.” 

“Hayley, I don’t want to break up. Please don’t do this. I don’t want to be alone.” 

He knows she’s made up her mind and the silence confirms this. 

He’s quiet for some time and Hayley’s nearly asleep when he stands up, kisses her fingers, and heads to the closet. She hears him remove his backpack from the corner of his room, lay it down on the hard ground, and begin piling more things into it.  

From his shadow, Hayley sees he’s trembling and when he sniffles softly, she wants to die. She has never wanted to die more than she wanted to at that moment.  

Sorry for freaking out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out  
I just wanna talk about it  
Sorry for freaking out  

   

Chapter 18: Pure love

Summary:

Taylor takes a moment to gather himself, his demeanor serious but surprisingly sincere. "Do you ever... think about what happened last night?" He waits, letting it linger as he watches his favorite blonde closely for her reaction.
It catches her slightly off guard that he’d ask so bluntly, but this was her best friend in the world. She shouldn’t have been so shocked. “I mean… yes.” There was no use in lying. “I remembered a bit more about it as the day went on after you left and I had… you left marks T, you know? So, I did think about it when I went to take showers and stuff.” Her face heats at the confession. Maybe she hadn’t needed to indulge in that much information, but he was making her impossibly nervous.
“Do you?” Taylor's eyes widened as she mentions the marks he'd left on her skin, something close to arousal in him stirring.  He clears his throat, his gaze still fixed on her. "Yeah, I think about it," he admits, his voice gruff.  

Notes:

I really adored the story line i'd written for this one before, but it made no sense at all for this song and I promise that one will make it into the outtakes or something, but for now...
oh! how much fun I had with this :), can't believe I never wrote a drunken tayley mishap hehe
Much love,
Em x

Huh  

The opposite  

The opposite of love is fear  

I'm still trying to get, hm  

Used to how the former feels  

'Cause it feels so new  

You think you know me  

Wait 'til I open up to you  

If I want pure love  

Must stop acting so tough  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, sentimental)  

If I want your love  

Ooh, got to open up  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, sentimental)  

A deeper way  

A deeper way to understand  

To understand the line between  

Who you are and who I am, baby  

'Cause to let you in (I want your love, I want your love now)  

Is true compromise (I want your love)  

Not just the friction of our skin (I want your love now)  

If I want pure love  

Must stop acting so tough  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, sentimental)  

If I want your love  

Ooh, got to open up  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, experimental)  

Well I guess, I guess (I guess, I guess)  

I could, I guess (I could, I guess)  

Guess I oughta to clean up these bloody fists if it's alright  

And yes, I guess (I guess, I guess)  

It's for the best (it's for the best)  

Guess you really got to call your own bluff if you want pure love  

(If I want pure love)  

Mmh, ohh-ooh, ohh  

If I want pure love  

Must stop acting so tough  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, sentimental)  

If I want your love  

Ooh, got to open up  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, sentimental) If I want your love  

And if I want your love (if I want your love)  

(I want your love, I want your love, ay)  

(I want your love, I want your love now)  

(I want your love, I want your love) (I give a little, you give a little)  

(I want your love) (we give a little, sentimental)  

 

March 2018  

 

It was hot. That was the first thing Hayley noticed as she stirred, consciousness slowly leaking into her form. It wasn’t unusual for her to be a little hungover from a night out, but she at least felt at peace in the moment. Hayley’s eyes peeled open as she felt the warm weight on top of her. It was comfortable at first, her slow stretch making her let out a sleepy whine- but it was made clear very quickly that the extra warmth didn’t come from the heated blanket she had drunkenly remembered to turn on.  

A tattooed arm was around her waist. Tattoos that looked oddly familiar but she could not place in her slightly hungover state. It was hard to make sense of anything, to be fair.  But the moment the deep, sleepy voice sounded from behind her, her body stiffened. She knew that voice.  

Taylor, on the other hand, slowly opens his eyes and yawns, his mind still slightly blurry from the previous night. It's all warm and cozy, until his brain starts to take in his surroundings and he realizes quite quickly that he has his arm around someone. His arm flexes around Hayley's waist and he freezes. A rush of realization hits him like a truck. 

"Hayles?" 

Huh  

The opposite  

The opposite of love is fear  

I'm still trying to get, hm  

Used to how the former feels  

His voice is a mix of surprise and uncertainty as he sits up slightly, the crème sheets falling off his naked chest, revealing his toned body. His eyes widen as he takes in the sight of his best friend lying next to him. Memories of the previous night started rushing back, albeit slightly hazy. 

“Oh my god.” The tiny blonde covers her bare chest with the sheets, looking at him wide eyed. “Oh fuck. T? What the hell are you doing in my bed?” 

Taylor raises his hands in defense, his own surprise reflected in his eyes as he tries to make sense of it. It wasn’t like he was the soul perpetrator of this mess.  

"I... I don't remember much from last night," he admits, running a hand through his messy curly hair. "How the hell did we end up here?" 

He glances down at the bed, seeing the rumpled sheets and the clothes strewn across the floor like they were taken off in a rush. A sense of uneasy realization washes over him. Shit.  

It was clear from very simple deductive reasoning that from their naked forms, the clothes all over the floor, the love bites on his chest and the sensitivity between her thighs that they’d gotten into something they probably shouldn’t have.  

While Hayley wasn’t married anymore, she had no intentions of complicating the one relationship that had never been complicate. Especially not after the fact that Taylor had been the perfect partner to make the trip from hell and back. She’d never done this consciously- ever. Couldn’t pay how high the stakes of that hypothetical idea would be. 

Even if Taylor wasn’t dating her anymore, she wasn’t the type to put their peace at risk, not when it taken so much to get here.  

Had she noticed Taylor in a less than friendly way lately? Yes. But they’d just gotten back a slight sense of ‘normal’, for the first time in years, things were going better, she hadn’t been bitter in the slightest all summer, she’d been having the time of her life reconnecting with her friends. But that didn’t mean she didn’t think he was attractive, didn’t mean she hadn’t always repressed it, or had a soft spot for her sweet curly haired friend. 

 You’d have to be oblivious not to see that.   

“Please tell me you’re not back together with Bayley and you didn’t cheat on her with me.” 

Taylor exhales a long sigh, a look of guilt crossing his face. He leans back against the headboard, resting his arms on his legs. His throat bobs as he tries to gather himself, blowing the hair out of his face as his stomach twist. This was a fucking mess. 

He runs a hand through his messy hair, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. He doesn’t want to make her feel bad because obviously it takes two to tango, but he knows that this probably wasn’t the right thing for them to do. Add in the slight offense that she’d even insinuate that he’d cheat, discomfort blooms in his chest.  

"We’re not back together, I promise. And I would never, ever cheat on anyone. You know that about me, Hayles." 

Hayley feels a twinge of her own guilt as she nods, hating that, that was the first thing to come out of her mouth and looking at her sheets crinkled in her lap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to accuse you of that- it’s just, I know you guys talked on the phone last night and I’m sure you know she was convinced I was trying to take you from her. I wasn’t.” Her voice is quiet, a little sadness coating it as she remembers how badly it had hurt to be accused of something she hadn’t ever done. 

Taylor's expression softens as he listens to her voice waver with sadness. He knows the whole situation with her Ex-husband and their falling out had been tough for her. Scooting closer to her on the bed, the sheets tangle around his bare waist as he let himself meet her green eyes. 

"I know you weren't," he says quietly. "Bayley... she was insecure. We had our own issues and it wasn't your fault." 

He reaches out tentatively, as if to touch her, but stops himself. That would make things arguably worse. 

“I know, I'm sorry..I” Hayley purses her lips as she feels his body heat creeping closer to hers. It was borderline distracting. “What I don’t know is how we ended up having…” she trails off, unsure if she even wants to say it out loud.  

Taylor's eyes darken, his expression serious as he looks at her.  "I don't know either," he admits truthfully. "We must have been pretty drunk last night."  His mind starts to slowly piece together the puzzle pieces of the previous night. Flashes of laughter, music, alcohol, and loud people flickered through his memories.  

He leans a little closer to her, curiosity in his eyes. "Do you... remember anything?" 

Shutting her eyes, Hayley tries to piece things together in her mind. The main things coming out were them talking when she’d come up to the bar. “I think… I think I cried about something to you, maybe about my divorce?” She winces. 

God, that was embarrassing.  

Taylor exhales slowly, his expression turning more sympathetic as he listens.  "I remember that," he nods. The memory was becoming clearer now. Hayley, tears streaming down her face, pouring her heart out to him as he held her to his chest.  

He runs a hand through his hair again, looking a little sheepish. "Then everything kind of... gets blurry." 

Hayley needed coffee. Desperately.  

“I’m not going to figure any of this out without coffee in my system.” The tiny blonde lets out a tired sigh, knowing she needs to wash her face. “Do you like- here.” Fishing her phone from the place she’d seen it next to the bed, she opens up her Uber eats app. “Order breakfast on my account. We’ll have shit to discuss, but I really need to wash my face.” She pulls the pillow over her face. There is no way she can have this sort of discussion without her face clean and her mind unmuddled. “Go ahead and pull on something to cover your bits, T. I’ll give you privacy.” 

Taylor chuckles lightly at her sudden insistence on coffee. "Alright, breakfast it is." 

 

'Cause it feels so new  

You think you know me  

Wait 'til I open up to you  

 

It was late and Hayley was on her couch, sat criss cross under her fuzzy pink blanket with her journal in hand. The light was warm toned from her two lamps on either side of the living room, and the soft glow of the light still on above her oven. She had a candle going, freshly showered, and honestly? She needed this sort of relaxation and calm. Sipping her chamomile tea, reruns of Friends were playing softly on her tv as she worked on untangling all the thoughts in her head when she heard the knock on her door.  

It wasn’t uncommon for her neighbor to forget her key, the slightly odd but very sweet older woman usually frazzled, so she had assumed it was Ms. Hansen that would meet her when she opens the door- but instead, something else greets her.  

Taylor . Black tee shirt, skinny jeans, and takeout bag in hand. Slight bags under his eyes, facial hair a little fuller, and curly hair looking like he’d ran his hands through it repeatedly. Stupidly, infuriating gorgeous even with exhaustion clear on his features. What the actual hell? 

“Oh… um, hi.” Hayley peeps, looking up at the beautiful man in front. “What are you… what are you doing here. Are you okay?” Eyeing him warily, she feels her heartbeat pick up the longer he stands in her doorway without saying a word.  

Taylor's expression is a mix of determination and uncertainty as he stands there, shifting on his feet. He lifts up the takeout bag a little, his eyes fix on hers. "Hey," he greets, smiling wryly. "Yeah, I'm... okay. Sort of. Can I… May I come in?" 

“Sure. It’s a little messy, I’m sorry.” There’s mail on her counter and her sink has some dishes, but the candles going make up for it she hopes. Maple and vanilla, the sweet scent filling the air. It wasn’t necessarily awful but it was very much lived in and she Hayley was strangely hyperaware of it now that Taylor had invited himself in. Stepping to the side she lets him in, still highly confused.  

What was he doing in her home and why had he brought food? Was it for them or was he just stopping in? They hadn’t spoken since that morning after and she’d assumed it would stay that way forever . They hadn’t had any promises of keeping in touch, at least not till they were both required to be on a boat and on stage at the start of April. Sure, he always said he would be there for her, if need be, that she could call at any time, but why would she bother him? “Do you uh- you need something to drink?” It was hard to not trip over her words right now.  

Taylor steps inside, his eyes scanning the living room briefly before returning to her. "No, I'm good," he responds, his voice a little hoard. He holds up the takeout bag, showing there’s two drinks in there. Hopefully she would be happy he remembered to get her the fizzy drink she loved. 

Instead of immediately offering an explanation to why he had shown up inappropriately late at her door like he knew she was most definitely thinking about him, Taylor takes a moment to study her surroundings. His gaze travels over the pen in her hand and the half-opened journal on the sofa before meeting her eyes again. 

"What were you writing?" he asks, his voice softer now. 

“Oh, just thoughts. I’m working on letting them out in healthier ways, so I got a journal. It’s...it’s going. Think I’m pulling myself together slowly but surely.” She rambles, tucking the pen and Journal to the side so he’d have room to set his stuff down and sit.  “I took it up after… after I started with therapy. So. Is there anything I can get you? I feel like a shit host, I'm 'sorry.” 

Taylor sets the bag on the coffee table and takes a seat across from Hayley. He listened intently as she spoke about the journal, curious as to what else she had taken up since starting therapy, what else he hadn’t noticed?.  His expression twists, though, feeling the shift in her energy when she mentions her life after the divorce. It was palpable, the pain still lingering for her. It must have been awful for her and he hated himself for not knowing how to help her in better ways. 

The curly haired man leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees. "Don't worry about being a host. I just showed up unannounced, remember? And inappropriately late." he jokes, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. It reassures him somehow, when she laughs lightly along with the joke 

He leans forward, studying her closer. He could sense her vulnerability and resilience in equal measure, and it stirred something deep within him. She definitely felt a little off with him being here now and he could understand why, but she didn’t want him to get the hell out right away. There was equal curiosity at play.  

"The reason I came…” He pauses, trying to readjust his sentence. “Can I ask you something?" Taylor prods gently. 

“I mean… sure?” She wasn’t sure what was going on. He had shown up and he was acting a little weird and to be honest? She wasn’t sure it wasn’t a dream. 

'Cause it feels so new  

You think you know me  

Wait 'til I open up to you  

Taylor takes a moment to gather himself, his demeanor serious but surprisingly sincere. "Do you ever... think about what happened that night?" He waits, letting it linger as he watches his favorite blonde closely for her reaction. 

It catches her slightly off guard that he’d ask so bluntly, but this was her best friend in the world. She shouldn’t have been so shocked. “I mean… yes.” There was no use in lying. “I remembered a bit more about it as the day went on after you left and I had… you left marks T, you know? So, I did think about it when I went to take showers and stuff.” Her face heats at the confession. Maybe she hadn’t needed to indulge in that much information, but he was making her impossibly nervous.  

“Do you?” Taylor's eyes widened as she mentions the marks he'd left on her skin, something close to arousal in him stirring.  He clears his throat, his gaze still fixed on her. "Yeah, I think about it," he admits, his voice gruff.  

If I want pure love  

Must stop acting so tough  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, sentimental)  

Leaning slightly forward, his eyes roam over her form, mentally trying to recall every detail of their night together. Taylor's gaze darkens as he continues to study her, his eyes roaming over every contour of Hayley’s body that is laid visible to his eyes. "If I'm being painfully honest, I can't stop thinking about it," he confesses, his voice hoarse with what he knows is desire, but he hopes she doesn’t feel uncomfortable with. He shifts his legs and lets their knees brush, closing the gap between them. "About how good you felt, how you sounded... the marks I left on your skin." 

“You remembered?” Hayley asks with wide eyes. This changes things . “What do you remember? Because I can remember… bits and pieces . But I can’t remember how we ended up… who initiated and how it started.”  

If I want your love  

Ooh, got to open up  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, sentimental)  

If I want your love  

Ooh, got to open up  

(I give a little, you give a little)  

(We get a little, experimental)  

Of course he had to drop that sort of bomb on her!.   

That he remembered how she felt? How she sounded? That was intimidating in itself, but even more so that she couldn’t recall. There were some things that felt foggier than others, some things Hayley couldn’t recall at all, but she wanted to know . She could frame it as wanting to know so she wasn’t embarrassed, and that was part of it, but selfishly.. She wanted to know, to remember so she could go over it in her head. Remember how he felt.  

Taylor held her gaze, his expression serious and intense. "Oh, I remember," he says in a quiet but firm voice.  

Her body angles towards him, he leans his face closer to Hayley’s as his fingers brush her arm, his breath warm against her skin. "Everything that I can remember, I’ve been poring over. Every minute detail." He pauses, watching her lean into him before adding in, "I remember the way you looked at me, the way you tasted, the way you felt when I touched you." 

“Can you tell me about it?” Hayley’s head was screaming at her to push him away from her, to back up, to stop this conversation. Once was bad enough. She had done the cardinal sin and slept with her best friend, who also happened to be her bandmate.  But her body had no problem playing into what must be both muscle memory and a very very suppressed internal desire, so she wasn’t strong enough to stop him from get closer to her. “How did it start? Who started it?” 

Taylor could see the conflicting emotions in her eyes, but he was too captivated to stop now. He was in too deep . He leaned in even closer, their faces now only inches apart. “Do you really want the details, Hayles?" That cute little hitch in her breath reminds him of the way she’d done it when he’d grazed his teeth over her neck two nights ago. It was one of the first memories that had come back to him after properly sobering up.  

“Y-Yeah. I want to know because… I can remember and see bits and piece of when we were… when you were fucking me.” Hayley swallows the lump in her throat, trying to ignore the heat building between them. “But I can’t remember who started it or why it had gotten so crazy , why we had been so passionate like that.” They’d really gone at it. 

Hayley remembers clinging to him as he thrusted in deep and hard, his thrusts moving her bed and his mouth at her throat as he’d whispered some stuff her memory couldn’t quite recall. His hand on the back of her neck, holding her still. His tongue exploring her skin. Her hands in his hair, legs locked around his waist. But the rest of it was blurry and she was looking for punishment, it seemed, because she needed to know more.  

“Can you fill in the dots?” 

Taylor hums at her words, the memory of that night filling his mind. He could remember some of those things so vividly, some things had been haunting his mind every day as he tried to sleep, or shower, or went out for a damn beer. Random flashes of her garbled moans, the sting of her nails on his back, how she’d fucked herself on him. It had essentially ruined him.  

This was a much harder tortured than just imagining it his mind.  

The curly haired man reaches a hand up to touch her cheek, his fingers tracing her jawline. "You really want to hear every detail? It may change things with us." he asks, his voice gruff and low. 

“Yes.” 

Taylor takes a deep breath, his gaze holding hers as he begins to recount the events of that night after Joey’s party.  

"It started as innocently as it could have" he begins, his voice low as he watches his fingers brush her warm cheek. Getting to touch her feels like a golden relief after staying away from Hayley for days as his own form of punishment... "We were having a drink, just hanging out. But the tension was there, thick between us, reaching a tipping point.” It had been hard to ignore. With the both of them with drinks in them, inhibitions had been lowered. It made it so much easier for him to give into the desires he’d been harboring for so long. 

"You had cried a bit when we initially talked about the situation with the divorce papers, but once I calmed you down… It was a bit more charged.” That was an understatement . “We were talking closely, our hands touching in subtle ways, our eye contact holding just a bit too long," Taylor continues, his hand slowly moving to her neck, fingers tracing her skin.  "Then I said something that made you laugh, and you touched my arm." His voice grows huskier. "That's when I knew that it was game over.”                                                                                                                         

"I pulled you close to me, pressing you against me," he says, his hand slowly trailing down her neck, touching the neckline of her top. "I could feel the heat radiating from your body, the way your breath hitched when I touched you. I offered to take you home, and you let me. And then once we were here.. You asked me to stay" Begged, more like, when he’d threaded his fingers into her hair and kissed her outside of her door.   

Taylor leans in even closer, his lips hovering just above her ear as he continues. "I had wanted you for so long. It was torture holding back Hayles." 

“You… what?” Hayley nearly chokes. Her body feels like it’s burning under her skin from how he is touching her, caressing her skin, speaking in his low, slow drawl. How detailed he is in the responses. But the last part had thrown her off.  

“What do you mean you wanted me?” She’s almost afraid of the answer. “Like… how long T?” 

Taylor's eyes fall as he continues to touch her skin, his fingers moving to the sensitive area behind her ear.  He pauses, considering his words carefully. "Couldn’t really tell you "He finally admits, his voice low and gruff. "I’ve always felt this way for you, you’ve never been just my friend" 

Hayley’s breath catches in her throat and she feels like she’s watching this conversation as a spectator, or a dream. 

"I tried to ignore it, to push the feelings down, but they were always there," he confessed, his hand continuing its gentle caresses on her skin.  "Whenever I saw you, whenever I talked to you... I couldn't help myself. I wanted to be around you all the time so badly, even when I knew I shouldn't." 

 

A deeper way to understand  

To understand the line between  

Who you are and who I am, baby  

'Cause to let you in (I want your love, I want your love now)  

Is true compromise (I want your love)  

Not just the friction of our skin (I want your love now)  

“Stop it! That tickles.” Hayley squirms out of his hold as she wriggles her way to the sink, washing the cookie dough off of her hands, trying to avoid the avid pawing at her waist. Taylor had come over to make sweets with her as she was making some of her cookies for a party the GDY office was having. Though, she had no idea if he really cared in the slightest about said cookies. Most of the time it was just an excuse to see her. He’d been coming around lately and was making himself a staple, though nothing had gone past some kisses on her cheek and extreme clinginess with him grabbing at her whenever he could. Grocery runs, getting her tires changed, helping her do laundry, weird things that she had no idea why he’d insist on partaking in- but he did so happily.  

It ended up like this, more often than not. Once he’d been given the green light to get a little touchy with her, it had essentially been game over. He was hooked. 

Taylor couldn't help himself, really. No one could realistically blame him if they got to see the same sort of shit he was privileged enough to encounter. Hayley was just too fucking adorable when she got flustered. It was something he made a point in doing, making her giggle and squirm all the while not truly wanting him to step away.  

He watches as she tries to escape his grasp, a grin of pure mischief on his lips as he follows right after her. "Come back here, miss." he says, the curly haired man’s voice low and commanding, as he grabs her hips and pins Hayley against the counter.  "You can't run from me that easily, you know." His tone is playfully possessive, a smirk on his face as takes advantage of her strength while she simply lets him... Large hands are firm on her hips, holding her in place as he leans in, lips brushing her cheek. Hayley can feel his breath against her skin as he speaks, his voice low and sultry.  "I’m gonna find you. You can try and resist all you want, but you know you can't resist me for long, Hayles" he teases, his lips brushing against sensitive skin, warm from his teasing.  His fingers begin to wander, tracing along the curve of her thigh, sending shivers up her spine. 

It was hard for Taylor to control the urges he had, especially seeing how she leaned into them. How Hayley’s body reacted to him. As hesitant as their little relationship had started out, slow to light this hesitant flame, apparently, she was not fireproof. Taylor knew, she felt it just as much as he did, and had a very hard time hiding that.  

“T…” she whispers breathlessly, eyes moving from his eyes to his lips. Bouncing back and forth as the tiny blonde wonders when he’ll finally go for it. They’d gotten into these scenarios, he’d tease her and then back off, but she was feeling worked up. “You keep playing this game with me. Is not nice.” 

As time went on, she cared less and less of the potential consequences. Zac would understand, he had been less than subtle in giving them their blessing. Taylor was a single man of a few months, actively proving to her how good of a man he was, and how little he cared for the drama that played out thanks to her public divorce. Why did she keep fighting against something that made all the sense in the world? something that felt right and real and simple.  

Why was she holding herself back?  

Taylor chuckles just then, the sound a low rumble in his chest. It soothes the overly eager part of him to know that she is feeling just as desperate, but he’s been biding his time with the teasing to make sure she’s really sure about this. Last time, they’d had the excuse of alcohol. This time, there would be nothing clouding their judgment but raw emotion. Lust, longing, and infatuation. "I know ," he murmurs, his lips moving to Hayley’s jawline. "But you make it too damn tempting. You're just so cute when you get all flustered and blushy." His hands move up, his fingers tracing up her side, his touch feather-light. "Can you blame me for wanting to tease you a little? You're just so fun to play with." 

Hayley shivers slightly from his touch, the fingertips brushing over her sides reminding her of how he’d been playing with her earlier. Her breathing catches in her throat as she feels his hand grip the bottom of her ponytail, drifting her head back as his nose runs over the side of her neck. Hayley’s eyes flutter shut at the light brushing, the slow burn of the night heating up her skin. Surely, she looks just as fluster as she feels, and he is aiming for that.  

Was today the day they’d let the line blur into obscurity? Wash it away like sidewalk chalk in the rain?  

“Why did you come over today, T?” She whispers, damp fingers curling into the hem of his shirt. “What’s your intention?” 

Taylor’s lips meet her neck, his kiss gentle and almost reverent. His body presses against her, his hand still holding her hips, keeping her pin against the counter and the other on her ponytail, curled over the bottom.  The little hitch in her breath, God, he wants that sound engrained in his ears. He’d held back for so long but he didn’t think he could do it anymore. Not when she looked so pretty, smelled so good, melted into his touch like it was meant for her. "My intention?" He repeats, his voice low. "Isn’t it obvious? I wanted to see you, to be with you. Is that so wrong?"  

His lips move to her collarbone, leaving a trail of soft kisses down the expanse of Hayley’s skin. Making her shiver as his fingers tug on the ponytail again, this time angling her to the side so he has a broaden expanse of her throat to kiss. Greedy, greedy, greedy.  

“It should be.” She whispers. Remembering their situation was less than ideal and saying it out loud because that was the last thread of restrain falling apart, unwinding until it fell at his feet.  

Taylor sighs against her skin, his grip on her hips tightening slightly.  "I know it should be," he murmurs, his lips still brushing against her collarbone. "But it’s not . I'm here with you, aren’t I?” He breaths, lightly rubbing his cheek against her jaw before his lips connect under her ear. “I can’t seem to stay away from you, and I don’t want to. I don’t care about anything else anymore baby. Care about you , how you feel, how you want me. Nothing else matters anymore. You’ve got to let go, let go with me. "  

This stubbornness was doing neither of them any favors. Denying them both of what was so obviously and desperately clawing up both of their bodies was doing no one any good. 

Letting go of her hair, needy hands begin to trail up her sides. "You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to touch you, to hold you. It’s driving me crazy." Taylor’s fingers continue to roam across her body, his touch becoming more insistent, more needy.  He takes a step forward, pushing her back against the counter. His body press against hers, the heat of his skin seeping through their clothes.  

He leans in, his lips ghosting over her ear. “You don’t know what you do to me, Hayles” he whispers, his voice a rough growl. “When I’m around you, I can’t think straight. All I want to do is touch you, hold you, and taste you.” A frustrated groan leaves his mouth. “Fuck what we shouldn’t do, Hayles. It doesn’t matter, shouldn’t matter to either of us anymore. I want you; I want to give you all of me.” 

The tiny blonde shudders as she feels him slip a hand under the top, exposing more of her body to him. So soft and delicate are his lips as they continue their tour over her throat and jaw, his fingertips hot as they run over the silky skin of her back, but he seems to be losing that control that he’s tried hard to keep.   

“If I let you have me…, what would you do?” She decides to prod. Was it a smart decision? She wasn’t sure, but she knew she had to do it. Her mind was desperate from thinking of scenarios of his own thoughts, his own wants. He’d been good at being polite so far, but was it wrong of her to want to give into the temptation again? No. No, it wasn’t. 

Taylor's breath hitches at her words, his hands pausing momentarily. His restraint tested to the absolute limit.  "If you let me, have you?" He repeats, his voice rough and unsteady. "Do you really want to know what I'd do to you, if I could have you all to myself? Cause it’s not at all in the realm of friends ." He presses himself flush against her, his body hard against hers. There was a hint of a growl in his voice, a primal need that he was struggling to contain. 

“Uh-huh.” She nods, letting out a little noise as his fingertips dig into her soft tummy, body press against hers and letting her feel his body heat against her own. Desperation tugging at her heart, she hangs onto every single movement and sound he makes.  

Taylor's breathing grows heavier at her response, his whole-body tense with need and desire. Biting down on her earlobe, his teeth scrape gently against her skin. The soft moan is his reward, heart pulsing in his ribcage as he speaks lowly. "If I had you all to myself," he murmurs, his voice a low rumble, "I would take you right here, right now. I'd make you mine." 

Taylor wanted Hayley more than she could probably ever comprehend. He had finally had the time to go through why he was so enamored with her since they were kids, and most of it was a pure indescribable connection. Their bond was genuine and raw, and while he couldn’t change the past… he sure as fuck could take charge now, and take what he wanted for the future.  

"I'd make you forget about everything else, everyone else" he growls, his lips moving to her neck, "I'd make you forget why you think this should be wrong and why you should push me away. All you'd know is me. You'd feel me, taste me, be mine. Like you should’ve been to begin with.”   

“Oh god.” She whispers weakly, feeling teeth graze her neck. He was in control in that moment, something she was going to give him. “What else?” Morbid curiosity, perhaps, Hayley she wanted to know all of it. 

Taylor's hands move to her thighs, his touch rough and urgent as he lifts her, seating her on the counter. He steps between her legs, his body pressing her against the cool surface.  

"I'd take my time," he murmurs, his lips still against her neck. "I'd taste every inch of your beautiful body, slowly, thoroughly ... until you were begging me for more." His hands move up her legs, the soft skin brushing his fingertips as he grazes her inner thigh. The touch like fire or ice- he can’t figure out which one was comparable. "I'd make you forget your own name, baby. I'd make you forget everything but me." 

“I remembered something from that night.” Hayley admits quietly. “I remembered that… when you were inside me, you kept saying how badly you wanted to keep me. And that you thought about me… when you were with her.” As sick and messed up as it was, it had gotten her off. The memory of his voice telling her that she felt better, that she tasted better. When she remembered it later, she had been appalled at how she could remember her cumming one of the multiple times, while he drawled on about how he had always needed her and he should’ve gotten to her sooner. 

Taylor's breath hitches at her admission, his hands clenching on her thighs.  Fuck. He did admit that, and suddenly he feels it more than ever. There had been no lies spoken in that. He had thought about her like this, for years . And as awful as it may make him, he couldn’t regret it now. Hayley owned him far longer than she could know. 

"Yeah," he whispers, his voice rough. "I remember saying that. I meant every word of it." His body presses against hers, heat radiating off of him. "When I was with her, all I could think about was you. You were on my mind all the time. You still are." 

He leaned in, his lips against her neck again. "You taste and feel better than anybody else I've ever been with. Maybe I'm fucked up. I know I am, actually, but I meant every single word of that. You drive me absolutely wild." 

The confirmation that has the final shred of restrain falling to the floor. Any semblance of guilt flows out of her, replace with the carnal need she’d been repressing for far longer than she’s willing to admit. She was going to keep Taylor.  

“I want to make you crazy.” She admits, curling her fingers into his curly hair “I want you to get addicted to me. I’m tired of feeling bad about it. You’re single now… I’m single. And we are not doing anything wrong. You’re right. You’ve always been right…” She pulls his head from her neck, looking into his eyes. “Do you want to be addicted to me, T? Do you want to go to bed with my taste in your tongue? Go to work with my panties in your pocket?” She purrs, running her nails down the back of his neck. 

Taylor’s breath stutters at her words, his body tensing with desire. His eyes dark and intense as he looks at her, his gaze burning into hers.  "Yes," he breaths, his voice rough and ragged. " God , yeah. I want to be addicted to you. More than I already am. I want to taste you, feel you, have you in every way possible." 

He moves closer, his body pressing firmly against hers. "I want you to consume me, to make me forget anything else exists. I want to go to bed and wake up thinking about you, dreaming about you. Show me all of you." 

“I’ve always wanted someone to want me so much they can’t think straight.” Hayley whispers, her hand going between them to feel him. “You’ve been a gentleman for years, always made me good food and brought me good wine, listened to me and held my hand through hell and back.  “She squeezes over him in her palm.  “You want to make me yours, T?” 

He groans at her touch, his body reacting instantly to her hand between them. He presses himself into her palm, his eyes closing for a moment as he relishes the feeling.  

"Yeah," he gasps, his voice barely more than a hiss. "God, yes, I want to make you mine. I want to worship you. I want to show you how much I want you, every minute of every day." His hands move to her thighs, his grip tight and possessive. There was no way he was stopping. "You're driving me absolutely crazy." 

“I’m completely yours, T” She whispers, lips ghosting over his.  

Taylor's breath catches in his throat at her words and it takes him only a second, before he’s leaning in, his lips meeting hers in a hungry, desperate very overdue kiss. 

Relief at last.   

 

And yes, I guess (I guess, I guess)  

It's for the best (it's for the best)  

Guess you really got to call your own bluff if you want pure love  

(If I want pure love)  

Mmh, ohh-ooh, ohh  

If I want pure love  

 

Chapter 19: Taken

Summary:

“Uncle Taylor is Hayley your girlfriend now?” his niece asks him out of the blue and with the subtlety of a Fucking grenade in the middle of the dining table.
“Ye, I mean, she’s…well,” He stutters, caught off guard and looking up at Hayley with a cautious smile, asking silently for the right answer to give the little girl.
“Yes?” he asks, taking a bite of his dessert and returning her grimace expression at the sudden turn in conversation.
“Well?” he tries again searching her green eyes across the table
“Well, what?” oh she’s enjoying this Taylor thinks, just loving the fact that she’s making him sweat.
“Are you, my girlfriend?” he tells her in a firm voice and not leaving her eyes when he says the words

“Do you want me to be your girlfriend?” She counters in challenge, but Taylor can see the big grin forming on her face and the joyful sparkle in her eyes from his seat.

Notes:

This song is so soft yet so meaningful. She's finally letting go of her fears and just embracing them, I love that this came right before Crystal clear and i'll never get over the way she addressed the fact that for her it was always Taylor, plus the video is so cute! Have you seen the way he looks at her an Alf at the end 🥲❤
Ps. I was revisiting this chapter and love it too much just as it is, so no edits on this one:)

My feet won't touch the ground beneath me 
I'm flying but I'm not afraid to fall 
I wear my pretty dress with big-ass sneakers 
But we don't gotta to go nowhere at all 

If anybody ask it 
I'm taken 
If anybody wants to know 
He is too 
If anybody ask it 
I'm taken 
If anybody wants to know 
He is too 

Ba-ba-ba-ba 
Ba-ba, uh-uh 
Ba-ba-ba-ba 
(Uh-uh-uh-uh) 
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba (uh-uh, uh-uh) 

It's easy to see how people stop believing 
'Cause everyone I know's got a broken heart 
And though I'm still picking up my pieces 
He makes me wanna give it another shot 

If anybody ask it 
I'm taken 
If anybody wants to know 
He is too 
If anybody ask it 
I'm taken 
If anybody wants to know 
He is too 

Ba-ba-ba-ba 
Ba-ba, uh-uh 

Would I do it all again? 
Oh yeah, in a second 
Might've taken thirty years 
But I was always on my way to him 

If anybody ask it 
I'm taken 
If anybody wants to know 
He is too 
If anybody ask it 
I'm taken 
If anybody wants to know 
He is too 

I'm taken 
(Ba-ba-ba-ba) 
He is too 
(Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba) 
I'm taken 
(Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba) 
He is too (uh-uh) 

  

February 2019  

“Uncle Taylor is Hayley your girlfriend now?” his niece asks him out of the blue and with the subtlety of a Fucking grenade in the middle of the dining table.  

It's been a week since he showed up at her door and they had finally surrendered to the fact that their feelings were not going away any time soon, if ever.  

They had talked some more in the morning when their hearts had stopped beating so fast and the warmth of each other had lulled them into the best night's sleep either of them had had in months and Hayley was adamant that they should speak for real then, express all of it. Fears, dreams, doubts, everything,  by the end of the day it was pretty clear that both of them were in it to stay and, that if they were gonna do it, this time it was for keeps.  

This was it .  

Taylor felt much lighter after that, but the realization also came with a want to not rush into things, not make the same mistakes again, so they’d decided to take it slow and steady day by day.  

They hadn't told most people yet, enjoying themselves just making up for lost time the past few days, yet in reality, it wasn’t all that necessary to even say anything, their very noticeable change in moods (and sudden disappearance) had been more than enough for Brian and Justin to catch on so far and He was sure that it’d be more than clear when their friends saw them show up together.  

Justin had rang him that morning when he was in the midst of his walk with Alf, he’d called to say his nieces missed him and that he should drop by for dinner sometime soon and Taylor hadn't thought twice about bringing her with him, the very reason why he was now the center of attention thanks to Nora.  

“Ye, I mean, she’s…well,” He stutters, caught off guard and looking up at Hayley with a cautious smile, asking silently for the right answer to give the little girl.  

“Yes?” he asks, taking a bite of his dessert and returning her grimace expression at the sudden turn in conversation.  

“Well?” he tries again searching her green eyes across the table  

“Well, what?” oh she’s enjoying this Taylor thinks, just loving the fact that she’s making him sweat.  

“Are you, my girlfriend?” he tells her in a firm voice and not leaving her eyes when he says the words  

“Do you want me to be your girlfriend?” She counters in challenge, but Taylor can see the big grin forming on her face and the joyful sparkle in her eyes from his seat.  

“Are we really doing this again?” He laughs at the absurdity of the situation around them  

“I don’t know, I think it’s kind of fun making you sweat T” she shrugs nonchalantly, making his sister-in-law laugh out loud at that  

“Made for each other” Justin mumbles under his breath, from Taylor’s other side.  

He purposely rolls his eyes at her, “Yes” he says firmly, "I want you to be my girlfriend Hayley”  

“We should’ve probably had this conversation before coming to see Nora, babe”  

Hayley tells him letting out a soft laugh, and a slight blush spreads across her features when Justin turns to her pointedly with an enormous grin plastered on his face at the term of endearment, she’s just let slide without thinking.  

Taylor smiles softly, turning his back more firmly away from his brother, who continues to talk under his breath to his wife, before asking one more time “Are you, then? My girlfriend I mean?”  

“You want a Drake fan as your girlfriend?”  

“Hayley”  

“Tell you what T, I’ll be your girlfriend if you’ll be my boyfriend” she tells him sweetly  

“we’re so dumb” he whispers pulling her in for a slight peck  

“I love you so much” Taylor says in her ear, and Hayley kisses him with more enthusiasm this time echoing his words,  

“ditto”  

The dining room fills with laughter when Justin covers his daughters' eyes with his hand to shield her from Uncle Taylor’s and auntie Hayley’s indecent display of love, yet not of them really care about it, they are just so happy.  

a small memory crosses his mind when he thinks about this moment,  

Hayley’s his girlfriend .  

 

April 2018  

For all his braveness inviting her to his room after the karaoke contest they just watched on the deck, Taylor is gut-wrenchingly nervous as he watches Hayley process what he’s just confessed emboldened by the fruity drinks the crew kept handing them and how the wind was blowing in her blonde hair.  

He can feel his own pulse in his throat as her piercing green eyes look all over his face in disbelief but there’s not a hint of anger, Taylor notices.  

“You love me?” She eventually chokes out and he nods, not trusting himself to speak now  

“You’re in love with me”  

She repeats slowly after a long silence, the sureness in his tone as he let out the words made her heart plummet to her stomach at the sudden seriousness of their tipsy conversation.  

Taylor knows exactly where her uncertainty is coming from, knows she’s scared to hurt him and doesn’t feel worthy of him, of anyone really, and maybe that’s the only reason why he doesn’t freak out immediately at her lack of response and prolonged silence.  

He has to be brave enough for both of them he thinks, and truly, he doesn’t mind if she doesn’t say it back right away, so long as she can take his declaration for what it is, just a declaration.  

“Yes, I do.”  

“I love you Hayley”  

He repeats in all seriousness, reaching for her small hand at the same time she lifts it to run it through her hair in distress. The ultimate tell tell sign that she’s feeling anxious and nervous, making him consider that maybe his heart felt confession wasn’t such a great idea, that he probably shouldn’t have ambushed her like this.  

“Look, if this is because of what we’ve been doing the past few months, you don’t owe me anything, T”, she tells him quickly in a rush voice “It´s been great, and I wanted to do it, every time. I'm not expecting anything more, ok?”  

Hayley says this so emphatically, like she’s trying her best to reassure Taylor and convince herself probably, but her gaze on him doesn’t lie, and although she is verging on panic, her green eyes only reflect undying want, one that’s hard to miss when he has her this close and he can see the feeling all over her face.  

It’s all the confirmation he needs to know she feels the same, and it doesn’t even matter that she’s not said it back.  

Taylor can understand why is hard for her to say it with words, but her actions, her action's leave no room for interpretation. Not with the way she lingers a bit longer when they spend the night together, the way she holds on to him so tight like she doesn’t want to leave the warmth of his bed or the sweet funny texts she’ll send him after,when she reluctantly has to go.  

Yeah, she loves him too and that’s enough.  

Enough for now, knowing that the feeling is there in her heart, that he’s not made it all up his head is enough.  

He can wait if Hayley needs more time, Taylor thinks, and it’s that one thought, what erases any fear he might’ve felt before about saying those charged three words to Hayley.  

If he’d paid better attention though, he would’ve seen the signs sooner or maybe not ignored them so hard.  

Would have noticed that something had shifted in the way she looks at him way before they had crossed the physical line together, but Taylor had never allowed himself to bask in that thought for too long, always in fear that he was making it all up in his head or worse, that it was all just hopeless wishing on his part. No, He hadn’t once dared to think that maybe she’d fallen for him all along just like he’d fallen for her, And yet the way Hayley’s looking at him now, like all she wants to do is say those three words back to him and kiss him, well that’s enough too he thinks, more than enough even.  

But Hayley wants to explain.  

She feels like denial won’t take her far now that Taylor’s laid his cards on the table with his beautiful confession, she knows that these feelings between them are not something that’s bloomed overnight, but rather a slow burn of the sweetest kind, one that has been brewing for so long, she can’t even remember when it´d all started, when she had first thought of him in that way, because maybe it was there all along.  

Taylor loves her. He’s in love with her.  

Hayley hopes with all her heart that he can feel the way the feeling is very much mutual, and suddenly telling him her thoughts seems like the most important thing in the world and a lot less scary than before. She takes the opportunity then to step fully into his personal space, close enough that she has to crane her neck to look up at him and when she does, Taylor’s already staring down at her with his loving brown eyes full of tenderness and a hint of understanding.  

She has the strongest urge to brush away the curls that have fallen over his forehead and she does, moving her hand softly over his face, watching him close his eyes at the feeling, Hayley takes a deep shaky breath, preparing herself to say the next words right, express exactly how she feels about him.  

She settles a warm hand on his chest feeling the loud beating of his heart under her palm, hoping with all of hers that she won’t scare him off with what she’s about to say.  

“I should’ve been more honest with you T”  

“shouldn't have pretended that things didn’t change with us after Manchester” she tells him softly, sighing in sadness.  

“Cause ever since that first night, I knew it was… That we were fucked… knew we could never go back to how it was before” Taylor brows furrow in confusion at this,  

“What do you mean?” He asks her softly, and she looks up to him with big watery green eyes that say so much without saying a word.  

“I’m so fucking gone for you Taylor” she whispers quietly, eyes pleading and laced with pain  

“Don’t you know?  

“I knew that when we were together that first night and I couldn’t keep my feeling inside anymore I… I knew that I'd taken it a step too far. That I had nothing to offer to you other than trouble”  

I’m so fucking gone for you .  

Taylor wants to freeze this moment in time, couldn’t move if he tried.  

“I know,” Hayley whispers at him, seeing the lazy smile covering his features "I know you do, but I can’t say it back yet and I… you deserve to hear it too” she tells him caressing his cheek lovingly when he opens his mouth to talk, to refute her statement that’s she’s not good for him. Because he knows deep in his heart that that’s the furthest thing from the the truth, knows that this love between them is not something that’s easy to find and that they’d be the biggest idiots in the world, if they gave it up.  

“It’s not that I don’t feel it Taylor, because I do. I really really do, want to make that clear” she says sincerely, reaching for his hand to intertwine their fingers, needing to feel him there to ground herself since her mind spinning.  

“I just need some time” Hayley says finally.  

and he can accept that, can wait as long as she needs, Taylor thinks. He´s told her before that they’ll do this at her own pace, and that’s still true now, maybe especially so.  

Still, that doesn’t mean he feels any less dizzy about what’s she’s told him but It’s the small timid apologetic smile that suddenly appears on her face when he turns to look at Hayley, what finally does it for him, moving to pull her closer by the waist and feeling her relax at his touch.  

“So, you do feel that way for me?” He tells her quietly, like he's telling a secret, and she rubs her fingers down his face with so much tenderness Taylor thinks the world around them could disappear for all he cared.  

“So much T, so so much”  

“Good, because I feel that way for you too, so so much” He finishes, enjoying the pure joy that takes over her entire face.  

Although she’s not actually said the words, she’s made sure Taylor knows that this is how love it’s meant to feel, that they are both as smitten as each other and there’s not better feeling in the world.  

 

Guess the tiny firecracker is getting the official auntie title from the girls huh Tay? Comes his oldest brother’s comment from the door frame making him smile  

Taylor and his two older brothers are sitting outside Justin’s house on the porch, as he enjoys a quick smoke while his nieces talk Hayley’s ears off inside.  

Sometime after dinner Chris had also dropped by, with his own family  and suddenly dinner at Justin’s had quickly become a family affair.  

His brother and wife had been very careful about mentioning the obvious elephant in the room in the form of Hayley in front of his nieces when they said their hellos, not wanting to assume anything at all, since their relationship had been quite a touchy subject for a few months and there still was a slim chance that this was not a reunion but maybe just the two coinciding at Justin’s trying to be civil.  

But all of their careful thought processing had gone out the window and only lasted a minute since Nora had wasted no time telling her cousin Ruby about how Hayley was now their auntie and that she would bring her some hair paint to play with so she should come next week for dinner too, getting the other girl excited and moving to drag Hayley and Ruby to her room.  

And that was how his lovely niece had outted them twice in a very short amount of time, leaving Taylor to be the full center of his family attention.  

Once the small commotion subsided, the three brothers moved to the garden of Justin’s house to share some beers with Chris enjoying his turn to make Taylor squirm some more (as if it already hasn’t been enough).  

The youngest York nods his head at the statement with a smile, trying to ignore the way this setting feels very reminiscent of years ago, like he’s sixteen all over again being questioned by his two older brothers about his first kiss.  

“And how is she holding up?” Chris asks carefully, not wanting to overstep but sensing that is ok to ask  

Taylor looks up at Chris and shrugs, taking a long drag from his cigarette before giving an answer,  

“she’s getting there” he tells him calmly, pausing for a moment, scratching his neck absently to search for the right words to explain it.  

“Some days are more difficult than others. The past keeps catching up to her, well to both of us, actually” he continues, elaborating so more  

“Don’t I fucking know it” Chris mutters under his breath looking at his little brother empathetically “But?”  

Taylor shrugs again, taking another drag of the cigarette  

“But I’d rather be with her, even when it gets hard”  

“I think we both deserve to be happy. And we make each other really happy”  

“It’s that simple”  

He tells his brothers sincerely earning a big grin from both of them and a chorus of “I’m happy for you guys and congrats” from Chris and Justin as they give him a tight hug.  

Xxxx

Inside, Hayley’s standing by the big window on Justin and Jenna's living room as Chris wife Kathryn, talks her ear off about a really cool restaurant they would love to take her and T for dinner sometime next week. Ruby is happily blabbering away next to her, something about auntie Hayles coming to their house next time so they can make lemon cakes together, when she feels herself freeze mid-sentence, right in the middle of her question to Katryn about her private chef business because all of a sudden food seems like the least important thing in the world after the thought that’s just crossed her mind.  

She waits until she's finished the conversation with Rubers and Katryn, to sneakily grab Taylor’s hand pulling him upstairs, hopefully out of anyone’s earshot (though she can’t be bothered to check right now) impatient to ask him, before they leave Justin’s, as she can see everyone starting to gather their things.  

“So, Boyfriend ” Hayley starts playfully speaking, with a big smile on her face catching the sparkle in his brown eyes when he hears the term roll out of her lips  

“there’s probably no tactful way to ask you this” she says, moving her arms around his neck  

He snorts at her words, “The day you learn tact my love, is the day I learn how to smile properly in a photograph” Taylor tells her tenderly  

“Can we stay at your house tonight?” she says, a pink blush spreading on her cheeks from the knowing smirk Taylor gives her back at the implication.  

“Um”  

“Don’t know, thought we could hang with Joey tonight.”  

“We can watch some movies holding hands, eat some popcorn, Trow some at Joe, keep it PG 13, you know?” He tells her in a mocking tone, enjoying the way she’s struggling to say what she really wants to say  

Joey had recently become Hayley’s first ever roommate.  

When he had suddenly been left without a place to live a couple of weeks ago, Hayley hadn’t thought twice about offering him her spare bedroom and the transition had been more than smooth so far.  

Although she’d known him for a while, they’d had become very close during the last tour and she loved their morning coffee conversations, and the much needed helping hand he was providing her with Alf.  

Overall, his company was an amazing addition to her everyday life, it felt really nice coming home to a loud lively house instead of the usual silence that had extended for so long.  

There was only one real downside to her new living arrangement and it was the tiny little privacy struggle they were still working around to solve. Since her house wasn’t just hers now, it felt kind of wrong to jump Taylor’s bones in the middle of the living room, interrupting Joey’s peaceful movie night’s, and so they had moved to spend more time at his house in the past weeks.  

A slow smile creeps onto Taylor’s face at the thought of her wanting to spend the night at his place, excited about how the night might go  

“So, you want us to watch a movie and hold hands at my house then?”  

Her eyes sparkle from the little push and pull they’re playing  

“Oh, sure, I love holding your hand in mine” she tells him wrapping her arms around his neck and he immediately pulls her to him by the waist  

“But I was thinking you could maybe put your hands somewhere else tonight” Hayley whispers in a sultry voice very close to his ear, enjoying the little groan Taylor lets out at her words.  

“I may or may not be wearing a new set of lingerie under this dress” she says slowly in mock seriousness, before delivering her final blow  

“Not at all something you’d enjoy right T?”  

“Right” Taylor says grabbing her hand to pull her down stairs to the house at full speed "The roads get crowded this time at night my love, we should probably leave now” he tells her solemnly, making them both let out deep belly laughs.  

His house is only a couple minutes away from Justin’s, and the short drive has the two of them laughing the entire way at the fact that Nora had been the star of tonight’s dinner and Hayley has him pinned to the front door before either of them can think twice.  

For all the times he’s surprised her in the almost twenty years they’d known each other, she’s found that she really enjoys catching him off guard like this.  

“I still can’t believe you’re my boyfriend” Hayley pants a little out of breath in between open-mouthed kisses. Her hands are knotted in his hair while both of his stay rooted on her waist holding her tightly.  

Taylor breaks from a particularly heated kiss to nuzzle the crook of her neck laughing happily, spinning them so she’s the one press firmly against the door now and Hayley thinks that her memories of him never did him justice, not with how truly beautiful and captivating Taylor really is.  

She was out of her mind thinking that any figment of her imagination could’ve ever done him justice when they were apart, when the real thing has no comparison at all, He grins at her concentrated stare, reaching for her thigh softly, picking her up to take her upstairs.  

“What are you smiling about?”  

“I was… “he interrupts himself to run his left hand through her hair drunk in love, almost like he can’t help himself.  

“I was gonna tell you that I’ve dreamed of you finally being my girlfriend for a long time, but I wasn’t sure how sappy you wanted to get tonight” Taylor tells her mindlessly like is the simplest thing in the world, like he’s telling her the time of day, yet the implication behind it gives Hayley a tingling feeling all over her body, goose bumps appearing on her arms and back.  

“We can do sappy later” she tells him breathily, grabbing him by the back of the neck, done with words for now.  

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>End of March 2019

The House is empty when Hayley gets home from staying at Taylor’s, save for Alf who watches with full attention as she shuffles around, making herself a cup of tea, starting a much-needed load of laundry, and then grabbing a clean towel, heading upstairs to her bathroom for a shower.  

She shuts the door behind her, stripping off the clothes she’d put on the previous night before going for dinner, smiling at the memory of how her earrings had been nowhere to be found when she’d left his place this morning.  

When she steps out of the shower looking for something comfortable to wear to the office, she catches sight of herself on the mirror, blushing hard when she can see the very dark purple mark standing out against the pale skin of her neck. She curses Taylor quietly at the fact that she now needs to wear a different top to cover that, but the grin on her face doesn’t leave her, thinking about how the little mark had gotten there.  

Once she’s done and ready for the day, Hayley grabs the discarded clothes from the floor, heading back downstairs to the kitchen to have some breakfast before she must leave to see Brian.  

“Someone’s happy this morning” Joeys Tells her from the sofa, eyeing suspiciously her big smile and choice of outfit on this warm spring day.  

Hayley hadn’t heard him come in, but there he was sat on the couch enjoying her dignified walk of shame like is reality TV “Well, two people if that big ass smile and you coming back early morning is any indication”  

“I had a good night” she tells him shrugging nonchalantly moving around the kitchen to make them both a cup of tea and some breakfast.  

“That’s an understandment!” Joey shouts back  

Hayley drops next to him on the couch with two bowls of coconut yogurt and fruit handing one to Joey, her green tea steaming on the coffee table  

“Thanks for the yogurt, Joe” she tells him in between bites “I promise I'll go grocery shopping next time”  

“My pleasure” he says back, accepting the food with a grin  

“Are you off to the office? Wanted to know if you’ll spare me tonight and maybe we can have dinner at that cool place that just open” he tells her in a cheery tone “you can invite T if you want”  

“Absolutely! but I was gonna take you out to that place, for your birthday!” Hayley tells him making Joey wide eye at the defeated look on her face from the spoiled surprise.  

“I Was gonna ask you actually, do you want to have a party?” he nods vigorously, and she smiles big at his friend's excitement at the suggestion  

“You wouldn’t mind?” Joey tells her  

“of course not!! In fact, I'm offering, I think it’d be really fun, and I miss having everyone around” Hayley says sincerely  

“Then it’s settled, on Friday we P-A-R-T-A-Y" Joeys says in a very over the top voice, making them both giggle.  

After their breakfast chat, Hayley had made it her life mission the rest of the week to over decorate the house. Balloons were all around the place, there were tons of food and drinks in the kitchen, and she had ordered a personalized piñata for him.  

In reality, it would mainly be the Paramore crew and a couple other of Joey’s friends, but she wanted to make sure he would have a good time, plus it’d been sooo long since they had all been in the same place at the same time, this was special.  

Xxxx

“What do we think joe, does this look alright?” Hayley asks showing him her purple dress and white sneakers she’d settle on, from the door frame of his room  

“Stunning as always H, thank you for organizing everything” Joey tells her, dropping a sweet his to her hair and spinning her around playfully.  

“No need to thank me”  

“Happy birthday Joey, thank you for being so awesome” she says sincerely.  

The pair are laughing in the hall of his room when the doorbell rings, the perfect cue to move downstairs and start greeting their friends.  

“Go on, then” Zac says from the spot next to her on the garden  

Hayley chews on her bottom lip, looking a little too focused,  

"I'm definitely gonna need another shot for this” she tells him  

He chuckles pouring some more tequila into Hayley’s empty shot glass before downing his own in one swift motion and pouring them both a second one immediately  

They’re sitting outside playing a dumb drunken game of truth or dare, enjoying the warm spring air, docky and Anna are sat to her left and Logan as well, Kayla is next to her on the right of her made up game host/ band mate scolding Zac about getting them all drunk so early.  

There are some more friends sparse around the house in various degrees of drunk in their living room, kitchen and front porch, but they’ve left this little group alone for the better part of the past hour, not so excited about playing under Zac’s rules.  

Joey’s deep in his cups looking as happy as ever taking a swing at the piñata as Taylor does his best to hold him up right, so he can actually have a chance at it.  

Hayley’s eyes light up mischievously at the group in front, her cheeks are flushed, and she catches a drop of spilled tequila off the rim before sucking the liquid off her finger, knocking back the alcohol before pushing her chair back to stand up.  

Kayla looks at her in amusement, leaning back into her own chair and watching as Hayley straightens up, her features sobering up in a look of stern concentration to nail the task at hand.  

She takes a deep long breath before putting her arms over her head, getting some leverage and dropping to the ground in one go, pulling a pretty spectacular cartwheel.  

Hayley manages to maintain her balance for a couple rounds before she nearly falls flat on her face, laughing hard as she stands back up, holding onto the chair in front of her for dear life once she’s off the ground completely, the trick earning her a loud cheer from her friends.  

Zac cheers and claps loudly, not even trying to mask how impressed he is.  

“Fucking hells, H!” He blurts out gaping in awe at her “I can barely walk when I'm sober, meanwhile you’re here pulling off that after three shots of Tequila! I'm so impressed!”  

She bows exaggeratedly, pushing her hair out of her face for emphasis “It’s literally the only party trick I have,” she tells him.  

Before Zac can call her out on her bullshit, someone beats him to it from the other side of the garden  

“No, it’s not”  

The whole group turns their heads at the same time to find Taylor watching them through the open living door window, cheeks flushed and grinning wide as he looks suggestively at her.  

Hayley barks a laugh full of life at the comment as Zac snorts, rolling his eyes before Taylor redirects his attention to whatever conversation joey and Brian are having in front of him.  

The game goes on for a while longer until the bottle runs dry, and they decide that it’s best to move inside since the air is getting kind of chilly in the garden.  

She stands too quickly and mixed with the alcohol consumed, her trip inside is less than graceful and she smiles big when he gets close, finding great support on Taylor’s sexy arms. He’s smiling softly at her when she stumbles a little, not saying a word at the obvious drunken state of his tiny blonde but enjoying that he gets to tease her about it tomorrow  

“Careful there love” Taylor says moving to sit on the couch with Hayley on his lap. he hands her a glass of water as well, for good measure  

“Drink”  

“So bossy T, I kind of like it” Hayley tells him, giving a little suggestive wink that has him smiling at her adorableness  

“you’re in no state Hayles” he tells her in between laughter  

“What a shame Boyfriend , you know I Love it when you take control” Taylor knows she’s saying it to tease him, but the effect is all the same as the first time he ever heard her say the words, and the warmth spreading all over has him leaning down to kiss her softly, smiling through it when he can hear the loud cheers of their friends in the background.  

“I Love you so much Hayley”  

“Love you too, T”  

Might've taken thirty years 
But I was always on my way to him 

Chapter 20: Sugar on the rim

Summary:

“I got you something.” He murmured, sitting himself next to her. “It’s uh- I saw it the other day and it reminded me of you. The color and the flowers on it. I figured you could have something to stay on your side of the bed when you come by my house”

Hayley took the bottle in her hand, green eyes widening slightly as she brought it up to take a look at it. His eyes studied her as she looked at the bottle, then back to him, then to the bottle. He hadn’t expected her to place the bottle to the side or for Hayley’s eyes to be teary when she turned back to him, but there was little time to react before she threw herself at him. Climbing into his lap, her fingers splayed on his cheeks as she kissed over his lips and chin, making him laugh in surprise at such a large reaction. It was just a water bottle, but Taylor wasn’t going to complain.
“Woah- woah, darling.” He chortled, wrapping an arm around her while putting his own bottle on the nightstand. “You alright?”
Concern brewed from the tears, but her smile was there as she nodded quickly. “Yeah! Yeah, I’m happy. I thought the kisses would show that!”

Notes:

Same as the last time, this one was a grest chapter but made no sense for the song, so here we are, new one with lots of ups and downs 💗
Love Emx
My bf is away and I had a long lonely morning so here it is the rest and final chapters of this book 🥲

Sugar on the rim   
(Sugar on the rim)   
Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   

Do you taste old shame   
When you lick my wounds?   
'Cause I feel redeemed in spite of you   
Had a life in hiding but a storm kept coming in   
Could you be the silver lining like sugar on the rim?   

You took me by   
You took me by   
You took me by surprise   
You took me by   
You took me by   
You took me by surprise   

Never felt this sensation   
A kiss to every scar   
It clips my expectation   
Shock to my heart   

Sugar on the, sugar on the   
Sugar, sugar, on the rim, on the rim   

I love to play with the shadows   
In and out of the glow   
I'm not afraid of the dark side   
Just tell me things I don't know   
Maybe we just had to feel it   
So we know the difference   
When we tell our glory story   
We'll feel sweetness on our lips   

You took me by   
You took me by   
You took me by surprise   

Never felt this sensation   
A kiss to every scar   
It clips my expectation   
Shock to my heart (sugar on the rim)   
Never felt this sensation (sensation)   
A kiss to every scar (scar)   
Eclipse my expectation   
Shock to my heart   

Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   
Sugar on the rim   

Bitter if you walk away   
Mmh, sweeter if you stay   
Bitter if you ever walk away   
'Cause it just gets sweeter by the day   

Bitter if you walk away (sugar on the rim)   
Mmh, sweeter if you stay   
Bitter if you ever walk away (walk away)   
'Cause it just gets sweeter by the day   

Never felt this sensation   
A kiss to every scar   
It clips my expectation   
Shock to my heart (sugar on the rim)   
Never felt this sensation (sensation)   
A kiss to every scar (scar)   
Eclipse my expectation   
Shock to my heart   

Sugar on the, sugar on the   
Sugar, sugar, on the rim, on the rim   

2016

It felt weird to see Taylor like this, but she bites her tongue. She’s determined not to make it weird or awkward because as soon as she does that, it’s like an admission of guilt. And Hayley didn’t do anything wrong she just needed to step back for a bit. That’s all.  

“Sorry, I was finishing a meeting with Brian and got out late”  

His eyes scan the table before settling on her, and there’s something in them. . .something that dances behind a gaze that she doesn’t know how to read anymore, “it’s no problem, we just got here” he says gently, though his smile has softened into something more pained, “We missed you.”  

We or you?  

Hayley only half meets his smile, “I missed you all too.”  

The night isn’t ruined, but she certainly doesn’t live it up how she should. She drinks her mocktail slowly, catches up with everyone, and avoids making eye contact with Taylor. Hayley leans into Becca, who sits to her left and soaks in the warmth that radiates from her body. She’s always cold, shivering when everyone else isn't, so they are all used to it by now. Taylor used to carry around his jacket, always saying it was in case he got caught a chill, but she’d always known he brought it for her. She was always the one who ended up wearing it by the end of the night anyway.  

There’s no jacket this time, just Becca teasing her and wrapping an arm around her body, sliding her palm up and down Hayley’s arm to heat her up. She can feel eyes on her, but she closes her own, revels in the contact, and ignores her bladder for as long as she can in favor of staying like this. She is three mocktails in though and eventually, the need to piss outweighs the desire to stay cozy, so she’s nudging Gavin out of the booth so she can have a wee.  

Hayley takes her time peeing, the bathrooms here are typically (and impressively) clean for a bar, and they don’t smell rancid or have any odd, sticky stains around the marbled floor. She washes her hands and stares at herself in the mirror, sighing gently, wondering if Taylor thought she looked any different. Did she? It’s only been four weeks, so she really doesn’t think so and yet, there’s no denying, that the ‘space’ she thought she needed has been horrible and lonely. 

She’d gotten a new hair makeover, but it in reality it was more of reflection of her current life, dull and colorless. Maybe she learned how to breathe better through the daily fights or disassociate enough that even her Husband screaming can’t bring her back from the lunar valleys in her mind, and she’d expanded her once picky taste for coffee, cause now sleep was always out of reach. . . but she was the same person, wasn’t she? T he same person that always needed rescue.  

Whatever.   

The tiny blonde isn’t expecting to see Taylor outside of the bathroom, but at the same time, she is. Hayley knew the night would not go without a hitch, Taylor was never one to let things go, and she did go MIA for a month, all of his texts and calls unanswered, so it wasn’t a matter of whether he would bring it up, just when . She just thought he might let her settle some before he did. 

“Jesus Christ,” Hayley’s startled when she opens the door and he is standing right there, looming, “You know, people are gonna think you’re a creep if you hover outside the bathroom like this.”  

“Sorry,” he replies, not sounding even a little apologetic, “I just wanted to talk to you without everyone around.”  

Hayley blinks at him, “Yeah, okay,” she wipes her wet hands on her top, “About what?” If she feigns ignorance, maybe he will let it go. It was wishful thinking, she knew that, especially when he didn’t seem all too amused with her tilted head and furrowed brow. 

“You know what ” he steps a little closer, she doesn’t think it is to be intimidating; it coordinates with the loud cheers coming from one of the tables, making it a little harder to hear, “I – can we go outside?”  

Against her better judgment, she does follow him out there. The air is cold tonight, biting on her bare arms but she feels determine not to show any signs of weakness. When she started seeing Taylor as some form of animalistic predator rather than her friend, she was unsure, but she was worried he’d sink his teeth into her if he saw any soft spots. If he realizes that Hayley’s is so lost she doesn’t know who she is anymore, that she’s ashamed and saddened for the person who cried and called him a prick, then hugged him thirty minutes later and wished him well as she couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t bare one more heartache, not even for the music. If he realizes that since that day there’s a gape in her heart where he used to fit before she pissed it all away.  

“Are you gonna tell me why?” Taylor cuts right to the point, slicing through the quiet air. They are standing near a fire escape, a small alleyway that Hayley would never step foot in alone at night. She’s always been scared of alleys like this, maybe that’s why he stands so close.  

“Why what?”  

Taylor huffs a breath, frustrated with her game, “Why you’ve drop out of the face of the earth?” He offers, “Why you didn’t answer my messages? My calls? For four weeks?” He continues, getting a little more worked up, though he does well not to get too loud, “Why you just. . .just disappeared after a conversation that wasn’t even done?”  

Hayley stars at him, eyes dancing across his face. She hates how much she wants to feel his cheeks beneath her palms, how desperately she’d like to nuzzle into his neck how she used to, and hide from his gaze, pretend that things were different. How she wished that they were still close to how they were, even if it meant they didn’t have Paramore. How she hates looking at Taylor, not knowing what to say.  

She swallows thickly, the last thought making her whole body cringe, her insides turning.  

“I needed space,” she replies, “You said, I could have space”  

“You needed space, so wrote me out of your life completely?” Taylor’s face warps into one of distress, “You could have just told me, I'm not gonna pressure you to go back to music, I told you, I –” 

She decided this conversation was already happening and since there was nowhere to hide, there was just no point in holding her feelings back; to be clear and honest when she’s expressing herself, because how else are people supposed to know how she feels? If she isn’t clear with them, then she ends up in situations like these. Sad and alone, shutting him out because that was easier. “It was just easier to hide after all of that.”  

Taylor is chewing through his bottom lip, a habit he hasn’t kicked. It’s almost funny, how comforting it feels to know him so well, to know how he lets things simmer and burn until it explodes. How he needs to talk about it right then but doesn’t think about what he’s going to say before he says it. Has all these plans to give someone a piece of his mind, but it all falters on his tongue, withers in his throat, and he’s helpless to the awkward gaps of silence as he searches for what to say, and how to say it. 

His face is flushed from the alcohol, and his lips are swollen from his teeth. There’s a yearning in her chest but she smothers it.  

“I missed you,” he finally settles on, she could tell it wasn’t what he wanted to say, but she guessed it would do for now, “I know things ended. . .ended so weird but I – you are my best friend. I missed you so much.”  

Guilt does ring through her chest, at that. Gnawing around the edges of her heart, burning through it, searing through old scars and reopening them. She feels weird. . .weird and unsettled, and sad. If she didn’t check herself, then her eyes would bead up with big, watery tears. Taylor had said it so many times, the night they decided to stop pretending this was still a band. That she was his best friend this, best friend that, he didn’t want to lose. How he wanted to stay close friends even if there was no more music. 

She chose to believe Taylor was just too good for this fucked up world, that despite having every right to hate her or be vindictive, he would never not support her, never push her to do things she didn’t want.  

He couldn’t have known how big her heart had grown for him that night.   

Do you taste old shame   
When you lick my wounds?   
'Cause I feel redeemed in spite of you   
Had a life in hiding but a storm kept coming in   
Could you be the silver lining like sugar on the rim?   

2018

 

 

It was late night and Taylor had left his bed momentarily to go grab himself a refill on his water bottle- and to fill Hayley’s. It had become a bit of a habit now, seeing things and being reminded of his favorite blonde. It had started slowly at first, reminders trickling in when he cleaned up after she left and the house felt weirdly empty. Then it was seeing the menu and a meal she would probably like, or the song she had showed him played in the radio. A car that looked like hers.   

It had snowballed into him finding bits of her in everywhere he went. Realistically he knew he was in dangerous territory, not even bothering to duck for cover anymore as he made sure the straw was clean and popped the lid back onto the red coated aluminum bottle. A bright cherry color coated with little white, purple and yellow flowers decorated all over it, something he had a feeling she would like based off of the delicate flower print panties she had ‘accidentally’ left at his house and the same ones he had lost his mind over finding.  

It was a little bit of a blurred line he supposed, was he even allowed to buy her gifts like this?, he wasn’t really sure but either way, Taylor wanted to and she deserved cute little trinkets so when he’d seen it while shopping for some new food storage for his snacks, he’d thrown caution to the wind and added it to his cart.  

It was ridiculous to be worried about her reaction to a water bottle, but he still was. He didn’t want to overstep but he also didn’t want to hide all of his intentions anymore. Taylor loved her, liked-love love her. He wanted her. There was no doubt in his mind he could provide leaps and bounds more for her than she could’ve ever imagine, something he had been dreaming of doing for far too long.  

Taylor knew that if he got the privilege of calling Hayley his in all senses, he’d do anything he could to make her unbelievably happy. No other men would be touching her. Looking? Fine. Welcomed, even with him being borderline selfish thus far. But touching would never happen because he wanted to own the rights to her orgasms and her nails in his skin and the trembling limbs underneath him. The taste of her mouth and the heat of her wrapped around him. No one else would get the pleasure.  

It went beyond that, though. Walking up the steps with the bottles in hand, ice clinking in the out of them, he felt light thinking about walking in to see her with her hair piled on her head and one of his shirts on top of her form. She would be in his bed, safe and sound, waiting for him to hold her in his arms and relax her enough to sleep. 

He also had to tell her about the text that had been waiting on his phone, but he wasn’t sure just how to break that. 

The view was just as amazing as he imagined it, his favorite blonde sitting cross on her side of the bed with her phone in her hand- which was promptly clicked shut as he gained her attention.  

“I got you something.” He murmured, sitting himself next to her. “It’s uh- I saw it the other day and it reminded me of you. The color and the flowers on it. I figured you could have something to stay on your side of the bed when you come by my house” 

Hayley took the bottle in her hand, green eyes widening slightly as she brought it up to take a look at it. His eyes studied her as she looked at the bottle, then back to him, then to the bottle. He hadn’t expected her to place the bottle to the side or for Hayley’s eyes to be teary when she turned back to him, but there was little time to react before she threw herself at him. Climbing into his lap, her fingers splayed on his cheeks as she kissed over his lips and chin, making him laugh in surprise at such a large reaction. It was just a water bottle, but Taylor wasn’t going to complain.  

“Woah- woah, darling.” He chortled, wrapping an arm around her while putting his own bottle on the nightstand. “You alright?”  

Concern brewed from the tears, but her smile was there as she nodded quickly. “Yeah! Yeah, I’m happy. I thought the kisses would show that- ouch!” The sass was interrupted by a pinch to her ass, Taylor was smirking as she gave him a look before it softened. The dynamic had shifted. This wasn’t just two people fooling around, if they’d ever been that.  

“They did, even if they came from a smart mouth. I’m just unsure why you’re still crying, Hayles.” He kept his tone light while wiping away a tear track, but it felt good to know it was a happy tear. There was no instance that Hayley would look bad. He was fully convinced of this. 

“It’s just- I’ve never had someone do that before. I always hear people talk about their boyfriends or significant others who say ‘oh, I saw this and thought of you’ and gave them something. And it isn’t about getting anything with money! It could be a rock, for all I care. It’s just… I dunno.” She ducked her head slightly, looking at his bare chest. “It felt nice to have that. It’s never been me; you know? Not saying no one cares about me but just in general, I think it means more because you… you know me better than most do.” 

Even in the short time they’d been together as more than friends, Hayley was fairly certain Taylor knew her better than anyone ever had. Listened better, too. Every gift she had gotten from Ex husband had been something she had to point out. Nothing of his own accord. Every day with Taylor had her questioning why she had stayed in that bad situation for so long when life could be so much more. 

“You deserve those things. I wasn’t sure if it was an overstep so I...I held off a bit on giving it to you. But if you’re okay with this sort of thing, it’s very often in my day that I find things that make me think of you Hayles. Is it okay if I get them? If I give them to you?” The question was asking permission so she didn’t feel overwhelmed or indebted. He wanted to do this. She hadn’t asked or implied it, but he liked giving her things. Orgasms, water bottles, smoothies, the lot.  

“I… well, as long as it isn’t really expensive, sure.” She couldn’t be blamed for feeling excited. Having a man who wanted to do that for you, let alone expressing that he thought about her often enough to find things in his daily life that he felt compelled to buy? This all seemed unreal. Part of her wanted to doubt it, think that he wouldn’t actually do it, but Taylor’s shown nothing but follow through.  

“Amazing.” There was something lighter on the curly haired man’s face. “Uh, I don’t want you to think this is just to soften a blow, because I promise that it isn’t. But I wanted to show you a text I got from Mark. I didn’t check my phone most of the night but, this was what I got.”  The visible nerves on his face had her slightly confused.  

Hayley’s brows furrowed as she looked down at his phone, their manager’s contact pulled up. He hadn’t texted since they’d gotten back from Asia, but the most recent one had her stomach dropping as she skimmed over the words.  

“M: Hey T, was wondering how it’s going? I know this is a weird question and we will discuss this further on the meeting for the cruise, but I'm booking the rooms and I wonder should I get two or three for you guys? Can you run it by H?’ 

Another one followed.  

‘We haven’t been talking a lot, but I know everything and Zac spilled it all...so, one, two or three rooms 🤭?’ 

Hayley sat silently as she looked at the phone, her mind going haywire as she tried to develop the right response. There was one answer she felt currently that was probably not the right thing to say, but it ended up slipping out of her mouth anyways. It seemed that Taylor had mixed some sort of truth serum in his kisses or the fruit he fed her, because her words were probably a bit more truthful than she would have chosen to be.  

“Is it bad that I…. I kinda want everyone to know? Because I want the people around us to see how happy we are?” She whispered, dropping the phone on the bed next to them, turning her head to look at him with a gentle look. It was slightly nerve wracking to admit but if they were going for the truth, she may as well go all the way. Even if it was something that may make her look clingy or too far gone. “I want to show them that we are good that, we care for one another, that you are the best I’ve ever had and no one can compare to that, cause I've never felt this way before, So I don’t know. What do you think?” 

Taylor was delicate in the way he responded for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because shamefully, her answer had truthfully made his heart leap out of his chest. Hearing her say that he was the best, that no one else could compare to what they had, that she wanted to stop pretending they didn’t spend every night together. 

He had tried so hard to be morally correct in this whole thing but the further he fell, the less he cared about taking things slow or what other people might think. But if she wanted to come clean to their friends, if she wanted to stop sneaking around like teenagers, if Hayley really felt as deeply about them as he did, maybe he could let all his worries cool down and do something that was a bit selfish.  

But the real question was being raised in his head and he had to know the answer before he gave a yes. He had to know. The silence was louder than anything he’d heard before and he knew that it was now or never. Maybe it wasn’t the perfect time to ask since they were still figuring things out, but he had to.   

“Are you sure this is what you want, Hayles?”  His question caught her off guard, but there wasn’t much hesitance with her answer.  

“Yes.” She inhaled shakily. “I think… I know I don’t want to keep pretending. Want them to know I’ve found someone who makes me stupidly happy” Instant relief, instant gratification. They had a chance. He could have her, if he played his card right. There was no room for hesitation anymore.  

“Someone like?” Taylor’s hand crept under her shirt, leaning into her and letting their noses brush. His heart was thundering and he could feel her nerves but she was his brave girl. “Hm? Someone like who?”  

“Like you” The words were quiet, but the room was silent. Taylor could hear a pin drop if his heart wasn’t beating hard in his ears. It was hard to believe she was giving him the answer he wanted all on her own, eyes searching hers as she gave into him. He could feel the shift, feel how she was handing a little more of herself over.  

“Yeah.” He confirmed, running his nose along the side of her cheek. “I can give you exactly what you want, want to give you everything. So… yes. I think we should talk to Mark” Fingers splayed along her bare back, pulling her into his body as her face nestled itself against his throat and he ghosted his lips against her hair. “I’m not going to let you down like he did. We are gonna be so happy Hayles”   

What laid beyond that wasn’t completely certain. She could back out and decide she needed more time, that a relationship right now was not the smartest idea, but Taylor truly didn’t think that would be the case. She seemed certain on her own and without his pushing, but maybe he’d given her a bit of a gentle nudge himself.  

Maybe she’d need a taste of what Taylor could be like as a boyfriend and not just a friend.  

Xxxx 

The next morning Hayley woke up to soft kisses on her cheeks. A large hand under her shirt, similar to the night before, but slow caresses moving rhythmically up and down her ribcage. Legs tangled together, she felt Taylor notice she was awake but didn’t say a word as he connected their lips in a proper kiss.  

Something last night had shifted them. She had a feeling it was the confirmation she wasn’t backing down, but even more so that he had been confirmed to be the one who was able to give her what she wanted. As wrong as it may be to go through with this or how terrible the timing was, she didn’t care.  

Waking up to the most incredible shows of affection, something no other man had never truly given her besides a cuddle every once in a while, she had a glimpse of what this life with Taylor could truly be like. A layer peeled back as the soft sounds of slow kissing filled the bedroom. Arching into him, she lazily draped her arm over his shoulder and felt him smile into the kisses, his own shaky exhale making her think about the fact that she probably wasn’t the only one heavily affected by it.  

“Hi.” Pulling back nearly hurt her, but she wanted to hear his voice. The mornings in his bed she had experienced so far had been some of the best she could have ever imagined. It would have been a hint to her earlier that this was never casual, just by how hard her heart beat when he laid in the bed next to her. Taylor’s treatment of her had always been exceptionally gentle even as friends, but now it took on a new meaning just by the look in his eyes as he met her sleepy ones.  

“Hello.” He whispered, knuckles caressing the side of her cheek, still slightly marked from the pillow. Such a tiny detail, but it only seemed to make him feel more fond.  “I tried to let you sleep for a bit, but… got a bit bored, if I’m honest.” The boyish smile was so different to the sensual, flirty ones she had gotten used to. It sparked a new sort of fluttering in her belly as he leaned his cheek into the pillow, looking her over. Studying her. Maybe she should feel a little more self-conscious by such a close proximity examination, but she didn’t. Not in the slightest.  

“Is okay.” She replied, eyes fluttering closed as he switched to fingertips mapping over her face as he pleased. “I don’t want to sleep the whole day away. I know you said you wanted to go somewhere today.”  

In all honesty she was giddy at the idea of it. Taylor had mentioned going to the farmers market where he wanted to get some goat cheese so she could make this ravioli from scratch Hayley’d been raving about since she saw them on Pinterest, and the curly haired man wanted to get that fancy sour dough bread she always bought for him, and maybe some wine for dinner. Taylor couldn’t really be added to do any cooking, so she wouldn’t have heard complaints from him either way but it was sweet the he was the one suggesting all this plans, it showed he listened.   

“Mhm. I wanted to make breakfast with you, though. We could get lunch out, but I think you could manage a kick ass French toast if you are heavily supervised. I’ve got this blueberry syrup and we can toast some pecans with brown sugar… if you help me” He inhaled deeply, pulling her into his body with the arm under her waist and a big smile. “It’ll be your best sous chef” His lips hovered over hers, giving a soft kiss to the swollen mouth before he forced himself to pull back. It was easy to get carried away. “I’m gonna go let Alfie out, so you can take a minute to wake up but…” filtering his eyes down towards her body, he took a moment to see the side of his shirt hanging off her shoulder. “Keep my shirt on. Alright? Just the shirt. Nothing else.”  

He rolled out of bed, making his way towards the door when Hayley playfully called after him.  

“Is that an order?” She said with a teasing smile, on her side as she ran her hand over the empty side of the bed.  

“No. Just something I’d love to see when I get back”  

Xxxx 

Taylor hadn’t really thought their whole arrangement through when they’d gotten into bed together.  

In theory it had been simple enough, but in practice? It had gotten messy fast. They weren’t supposed to do a lot of the things they done. It was really so far from casual it was funny, what ‘casual’ partner would get her gifts, kiss her outside of bars, text her as much as he did. And the biggest ‘wasn’t supposed to’ Taylor was positive he shouldn’t have done,  was falling love with her.   

It wasn’t something he was going to admit to her yet. Even if he wanted to gather her in his arms and whisper it into her throat as he watched her pad into the kitchen with her bum peeking out slightly when she bent to pat Alf on the head, he would wait. He’d wait as long as he had to, because last night she had restored his faith that this was in fact so much more.  

“How can I help?” She asked with her freshly washed face. The smell of mint and bergamot, her toothpaste and the perfume she had left in the bathroom. He could place them easily.  

“Can I trust you to crack two eggs?” He asked with a bump to her hip as he reached over her head to grab a bowl. “You kinda give me the vibe that you get shell into it but… I’m willing to give you a chance.” 

“You are rude this morning.” Hayley scoffed, hip bumping him back as she went towards the refrigerator. It felt so fucking good to see her in his kitchen. Messy bedhead she’d attempted to tame, his marks on her thighs exposed when she moved the right way, his shirt hanging off her body. This wasn’t the sort of feeling he had ever felt before. 

No, this was very clearly a type of want, and love and desire that only Hayley had been able to spark.  

“No, Babe. I’m just joking. You know that in reality you are the one in charge of this breakfast” he winked. The mention of him being unnaturally attracted to seeing her padding around his kitchen barefoot was nowhere to be found though. That was an inside thought for now.  

“Whatever you say,T” She snorted. “I know you are exceptionally good at taking orders”  

The quip resulted in a quick slap to her ass, glossed over by his slightly narrowed eyes before he got to talking. Taylor knew how to make French toast, as did a lot of people, but it was stupidly cute to see how focused he got. Making sure no shells got into the egg, whisking it together, sprinkling with cinnamon before Hayley took the battered bread and let it sizzle on the cooktop, they worked as a well-oiled machine.  

“Alright. The final trick is to put the pan into the oven for a few minutes with the brown sugar and blueberry syrup to caramelize it a bit.” She answered his internal question as to why she had been putting them on a baking sheet without him having to ask. It had been so nice to just do something domestic like this. So low key and calm, falling into it like it was something they did daily. He could only wish for that.  

Hayley placed the dishes into the dishwasher as he put the baking sheet into the oven and set the timer, giving him a lovely little peek of her ass when he turned back around. She wasn’t trying to be sexy at all, but he found that it just came naturally to her. Perhaps he was just down so horrendously bad, that he felt an itching of his palms to grab her when she stood back up and for once, he decided he wasn’t going to stop it.  

Cool marble made her squeal as Taylor lifted her up onto the countertop, the quickness of how he got her up there not giving Hayley a second to even really understand what was happening until it was done and her knees were forced open so he could stand between them. “What happened to hello, how are you?”  

“Hello.” His hand slipped under the shirt, splaying across the bottom of her spine as he pulled her closer to him. “How are you?” He wasn’t holding back from his pressing thoughts as he finally let himself bury his nose into the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent. The soap from the bath the night before, the citrusy perfume, the lingering of his sheets and imprint of the scent of him. Comfort wrapped around him like a blanket- or better said, her arms- as he felt fingers run over his bare shoulder.  

“I’m good.” The lightness of Hayley’s voice settled something in his stomach. This wasn’t something he’d particularly fully indulged in with her before, but he’d wanted to. That little layer of separation they put between them with the word ‘casual’ was being chipped away, piece by piece. “How about you?” 

Taylor pondered for a moment if the truth was something he should fully delve into, or if he should mask it. The depth of what he felt was intense and that wasn’t something he would think she’d be ready to hear quite yet, but he was praying that she would return the sentiments. “I'm 'wonderful, baby.” The pet name casually dropped into conversation seemed to affect her, the soft shiver not gone unnoticed. Regretfully, he forced himself to pull his face from her throat after giving a chaste kiss to the side of it to get a look at her features.  

It sort of hit him in his stomach when he caught her eyes again. Seeing that fondness reflected back to him, one he knew was radiating off of him in waves, it swelled in his throat as he tried to swallow it back down to his belly. How had such an awful year on their life's, had ended up in something like this?  

It only solidified that perhaps it was always meant to be this way. 

To have her affections officially, to be the partner of someone who had used to talk highly of him and put up with such half assed attention, he had to wonder how anyone could take it for granted. He’d been in a few relationships, a time or two, and he’d been in love before. He knew he was a different man than her Ex-husband, but never in his life would he take a look at the sweet fucking eyes she was giving him right now and even fathom the idea of letting anyone else ever touch her or treat her bad. He’d be selfish and protective, rightfully so. Hell, he was selfish and protective now.  

He was thoroughly prepared to fight and prove himself as someone worthy enough to have access to not only her body, but her heart.  

“Are you feeling okay?”  

“Yeah, I’m okay. I feel good.” She peeped, watching his eyes as fingers pushed hair off of her neck. The marks were steady there, blotches of passion on display. It would be hard to hide them, but he doubted she would want to. “I’m excited to spend the day with you.”  

And, god, take him now. His chest heated and his heart melted into a google between his ribs, the smile lifting the corner of Taylor’s lips inevitable as he was reminded of the day they’d be having. “Me too.” He was beyond excited. Giddy, even, but he had the ability to hide just how worked up it made him. “Gonna have a good day with you. Don’t want you to go home after, though.” That would be the worst part. She had work with the hair company the next day and as much as he wanted her to stay…. 

“Well…” She went surprisingly shy, making him pause his thought process. “I don’t want to be presumptuous, but i um… I brought an outfit and my laptop. Just in case we got… I dunno what my thought process was. I don’t want to assume, but if you really want me to stay-” 

“Hayles, I don’t want you to go. I hate watching you leave.” He interrupted her. “House feels… Empty, i guess. When you and Alf leave, I can feel it. I love having this place but I….” His words had left his brain without his permission, but he’d already been digging himself a hole since the first night. “I didn’t realize how lonely it could feel until you left. I like how it feels to have you here. It feels right. “It was a little much, but then again, she didn’t seem thrown off. If anything, Hayley’s eyes brightened and she sat up a bit straighter.  

“Then yeah, I can stay.”  

“Good. Cause I don’t think I’d let you leave anyways.” 

He just hoped she knew how far that statement really went. 

Bitter if you walk away   
Mmh, sweeter if you stay   
Bitter if you ever walk away   
'Cause it just gets sweeter by the day   

Bitter if you walk away (sugar on the rim)   
Mmh, sweeter if you stay   
Bitter if you ever walk away (walk away)   
'Cause it just gets sweeter by the day   

2019

 

If Hayley could characterize Taylor in a single word, it would be "perfect." Although it may be argued that everyone has flaws, she would also consider his imperfections to be perfect as well.  

From the day they two met until now and possibly even beyond, her life has changed so drastically that she can't remember how she used to spend her days without Taylor. He was always a welcomed friend, a confidante, her partner in crime, and after tonight, he is even more than that.  

She couldn't help but admire him as he sat in front of her, trying to contain his fidgeting hands to a minimum while speaking to her. Hayley wanted to interrupt and tell him how much she liked that particular trait of his, but that would require him to drop her hands, and she quite frankly enjoyed the warmth his hands exuded.  

As promised, Taylor took her out on a date as soon as they gotten back together. If it were up to him, he would've planned to go out on the same night, but she convinced him to wait a little bit longer, that it would be worth it. 

Alf was currently spending the weekend at Brian’s, who had quickly become a lifesaver offering to keep him while the tiny blonde spent the evening out with Taylor, his exact words being "of course I can take the kid! Go get your man."  

Since this wasn't their actual first date, Hayley couldn't really tell why she had spent hours pondering what to wear finally setteling on a cheeky little black dress and Taylor ever the gentleman, had crossed off every point in her mental checklist for a second first date.  

From standing at her front door looking so handsome it was unfair, and carrying a bouquet of flowers, to making her grin and laugh throughout the evening, he was doing all the right things.  

Hayley was slightly nervous about tonight, yet there was nothing to be worried about. Not after she'd calmed down and realized that this date felt just like the way she usually spent time with Taylor even after months apart.

Although she kept her wine intake to a minimum, she still felt the buzzing energy running through her, but perhaps that was all due to his presence.  

Soon, their fancy dinner was over but Hayley wasn’t ready for the night to end just yet. As Taylor drove out of the parking lot, she turned to him with a smile creeping up her face as she thought of an idea.  

"Do you wanna stop by the park that we passed on the way here?" She asked, and he raised his eyebrow in question, "at night?"  

Hayley shrugged, "why not? Less people," she managed to convince him. "I'm glad you thought of something because I didn't want to drop you home just yet," he said grabbing her hand, bringing the entwined fingers up to place a kiss on the back of her hand. 

Taylor didn't let go of her hand until he parked, possibly illegally, near a gigantic tree. Hayley checked her phone for any notifications specifically from Brian, but there weren't any new messages. Choosing to leave her phone in the car, the tiny blonde quickly stepped out and rushed towards the kid's playground with a small laugh leaving her mouth.  

She walked until the edge of the pavement, looking around with a smile as Taylor caught up to her pulling a sweeter over his head, chuckling once he saw her rather amusing dilemma. "Don't laugh, "she muttered halfheartedly.  

Once he was beside her, Taylor held her hand firmly, his thumb gently drawing circles in her skin. Hayley loved it, could get lost in the way her palm fit against his so naturally, fingers entwined, it felt like an old habit which she wasn't opposed to at all. She leaned closer to him, while watching the children swings further away.

A breeze passed through her hair, harshly increasing as she neared the other side of the park and she. mentally thanked her past self for choosing a matte lipstick instead of a gloss otherwise her hair would've been stuck to her lips, making a mess.  

Once they closer to the swing set it, she looked along the length of the park with a warm feeling inside.  

"This is so peaceful," Taylor commented, making her hum in agreement. "There's no one else here," she added. While Taylor's gaze was focused on Hayley, he didn't notice how she mischievously walked closer to the swings, bringing him along since their hands were still clasped together.  

That was until she reached down when he briefly looked away and sat on the right side, starting to swing back and forth. Startled, Taylor took a few steps back, dropping her hand while Hayley’s carefree laughter rang in the open air. He watched her with an unhappy expression but it quickly turned into a look of amusement as he chuckled. "You have no idea what you just started"  

As he reached for her, Hayley quickly swung even higher and raised her brow, "oh yeah, what's that?"  

"War," he responded cheekily, catching her off guard for a moment that was enough time to sit on the left trying to get higher than Hayley "T" She exclaimed, brushing the few unruly strands of blonde hair out of her face, before leaping into oblivion, the curly haired following in her steps as they both laughed. 

The curly haired man started running around the playground and she chased him, each step ruining the silence of the night with the sound of laughter. "C'mon, you have to be faster than that," Taylor turned to face her but still kept running further away.  

"Fuck!" she shrieked, landing flat on her ass with very little grace and Taylor instantly stopped in his tracks, his look of amusement quickly turning into worry as he saw her clutching her foot.  

"Are you okay?" He neared Hayley, crouching down when she shook her head. "It hurts," she muttered.  

"What hurts?" He reached out to touch her ankle which he assumed was the issue, but with the incoming advantage, she used her entire arm to bring him down to the floor with her. "Your ego I assume," Hayley responded, throwing her head back with a laugh as she saw the defeated look on his face.  

"I really fell for that huh?" He asked, mainly to himself as she stood up without any actual injuries. "Never wager a war against me, babe, I'll always win."  

Taylor pulled her back down, right onto his lap with a hand resting on her lower back, "I've got to say, that was clever but you won't always win." Hayley rested her arms on his shoulders, "we'll see."  

The tiny blonde still had a mischievous glint in her eyes but it quickly dissipated and was replaced with admiration once she noticed the way Taylor looked at her. From direct eye contact, his gaze moved to focus on different parts of her face, as if he wanted to memorize every inch.  

Hayley knew the exact moment he noticed the tiny scar underneath her chin from a childhood injury, as well as the faint freckles that only seem to darken in sunlight.  

Underneath the moonlit night, with the sounds of the autumn breeze, all she could focus on was her heartbeat picking up with both nervousness and excitement.  

His intense gaze should’ve made her want to look away, to make her want to squirm until he stopped looking, but Hayley had never felt as seen as she did now, and quite frankly she enjoyed the attention.  

Taylor’s other hand found its way to her cheek, fingers grazing with a featherlight touch. "I am so glad that you found you way back to me, I love you so much" he muttered, fingers moving down to her chin slightly pulling her even closer.  

Hayley held the eye contact with him when she spoke, "I love you too," proving that there was nothing but truth behind her words. Her eyes only fluttered closed when she felt his lips grazing hers, barely millimeters away.  

"Kiss me, T" She mumbled against his lips and as soon as he registered those words in his mind, he pressed his lips against hers completely.  

Even though this was not their first kiss and she knew it was coming, Hayley’s breath stuttered once his lips were on hers, pressing so gently yet so full of want. Her hand wandered into his curly hair, a way to bring him even closer while the other settled on the nape of his neck.  

Then he parted away slightly, inhaling as his half-lidded eyes studied her expressions intently. Hayley’s palms touched his cheeks, knowing she needed more now that she'd gotten a taste of what else was possible. It took two seconds for her lips to crash against his, this time with greater urgency and intense yearning.  

He responded with just as much energy, not rushed at all but filled with passion. His tongue parts her lips and she welcomed the intrusion gladly. Her hands slid down to his chest and if she didn’t feel the pulse of her own heart beating all the way down to her fingertips, Hayley would’ve felt his beating just as fast underneath her palm.  

She genuinely didn’t believe that she could want someone to the point where she’d happily sacrifice her breaths to be kissed like this, not until Taylor.  

Hayley didn't appear to be the only one losing track of her surroundings, since as soon as Taylor leaned back in an invitation to hold her closer on his lap, his hand slipped in the grass. Taking her with him, they both landed on the floor, though her fall was softer than his.  

The look of shock quickly turned into laughter, both of them realizing how incredibly lost they were in each other. Hayley leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “I think we should go now,” she muttered against his neck, her actions contradicting her words.  

Leaning back on his elbows, he nodded, “we should.” Standing up, she returned to his car but with no real want to let this night end, she couldn’t possibly sit inside or bear the thought of waiting to see him again.  

Instead, Hayley sat on the hood of the car, leaning back and looking up at the sky to stretch their time together just a little bit more. “It’s so beautiful,” she commented, noticing the twinkling stars shining down upon them. “It is,” Taylor replied although his gaze was on Hayley rather than the stars.  

The tiny blonde turned to look at him, a chuckle bubbling up, “such a sap,” she muttered before he joined her on the hood. “You like it,” he retorted, and she resorted to watching the sky again because he wasn’t wrong.  

Shuffling closer to him, Hayley rested her head on his chest while absentmindedly tracing patterns with her fingers. One of his arms was folded back behind his head while the other wrapped around her, keeping her as close to him as possible.  

“You know we can’t sleep on the park, right?” he asked or rather hummed. “We can spare a few extra minutes if it means you’ll stay right here with me.”  

Hayley smiled, “I’ll always be right here with you.” 

You took me by   
You took me by surprise   

Never felt this sensation   
A kiss to every scar   
It clips my expectation   
Shock to my heart   

Chapter 21: Crystal clear

Summary:

The restaurant is nicer than they’d go for just  a weeknight dinner, but it feels so nice to be able to treat them to the best of the best.

It’d been his idea to take them out, and she didn’t miss the glimmer in granny’s eyes when he’d personally come to their house to invite them, a subtle blush to her cheeks at his charming ways. Grandat had just smiled really big at the invitation, he knew they were back together but hadn’t said anything when she’d turned up with him a few weeks after their heartfelt talk, just looked at them from the side of the table with pure joy in his eyes. 

Notes:

So this might actually be my favorite chapter and is definitely my favorite song they've written together ❤
There's so much I could say about it because this is the gift that keeps on giving and i think that i could've probably written ten more pages but I'll leave you with this, so mental to think Hayley thought she wasn't good at writing love songs 🤯 and I loooove that this is their own version of saying I love you more, no I love you more 🙊🥰

- really hope you enjoy!!
Love Em.

January 2017  

Late night feelings are the worst. 

It’s bad enough that he’s not stopped thinking about it all day, but he thought his mind would give him some rest or at least time out, scratch that, he can’t even trust his own mind anymore. 

She’s not said it yet, well not directly but he’s had a feeling for some time now. She’s at her grandparents more often, he doesn’t angry call when she stays over at his house anymore and although Hayley seems deep in thought most of the time, she looks lighter, like a weight’s been lifted off her shoulders. 

He knows that she’s noticed him wondering, but he never asks, not wanting to push her to talk if she’s not ready. And it’s not like she owes him that information, right? 

To be fair, he's not told her about it either, so maybe they’re as bad as each other when it comes to this. 

Should he ask her though? Is she waiting for that, so she doesn’t have to bring it up herself? And what about today’s final lyrics for pool? That's the thing that pretty much sealed it for Taylor, He really thought she would cave then, that she would tell him, but no. They finished the song, ordered some dinner with Zac and when it got too late for her to drive back alone, he’d offered his spare room like anytime they work overtime and that was it. 

To be honest, he’s not even sure if he wants to her say it. 

It’s been years since he gave up on them being a possibility and he’s not sure what he’ll do with himself if that invasive thought is actually true, he is not ready. 

Watching her get married knowing that she wasn’t happy had been one of the worst days of his life, but he got through it (or away… to Florida ), and Taylor’s in no state now, to start daydreaming about those old feelings again, he can’t keep making life decisions out of Hayleys, that’s not good for anyone. 

It’s tough. 

Thinking, and thinking and thinking about it. 

They’ve grown closer than ever in the past year, spending all their time together, and it’s starting to feel like torture to be in such close proximity without knowing exactly where they stand, his thoughts getting more and more wild; because saying it’s friendship just doesn’t cut it anymore. 

She’s been smiling more, and maybe that’s the thing that’s messing with his head the most, but Taylor’s not stupid enough to believe that whatever demons are chasing her have gone away. 

In fact, that is never clearer than in this moment. 

Taylor’s walked down the stairs half asleep to get a glass of water tired of tossing and turning, only to find her sitting on the kitchen island, staring blankly into the mug in her hands 

He’s caught off guard at first, thinking that she’d be deep in slumber in his spare room, so he steps further into the kitchen slowly, careful not to frighten her and he almost regrets coming down at all, the moment he takes a look at her, noticing that all she’s wearing is his black me without you T-shirt, not a trace of the pants he’d given her earlier. It's not the first time he’s seen her in his clothes (not by any means), but the effect is always the same. 

He feels the rush of heat on his cheeks as he takes in the pale skin of her thighs and the way the T-shirt falls to the side a bit, exposing her shoulder and delicate collarbone. When he looks up from his intensive stare, Taylor’s half waiting for a cheeky comment about the obvious way he’s been checking her out, but it never comes, and that’s enough to prompt him to look up in search of green eyes. 

Hayley looks just as surprised to see him in the kitchen at this hour, but in her eyes there’s also a great turmoil of emotions that settled heavy in the pit of his stomach. 

“You couldn’t sleep? Thought that big ass expensive pillow you made me buy could make anyone have a dreamless rest?” He tells her in a soft voice, careful not to upset her any more than she already is. 

“Something like that” 

Taylor fights the urge to go to her right way grabbing a glass and running under the tap, he hates that she looks like a frightened animal, but knows that she needs him to be gentle, so he rounds the kitchen island slowly, stopping in front of the empty stool next to hers in question. 

“Mind if I?” 

Hayley doesn’t say anything, and he takes it as an invitation to sit down. They stay in comfortable silence for a while until she eventually speaks, and the self-deprecation in her tone shocks him, because it feels so painful coming from her. 

“I’m sorry T, I don’t think I'm such good company tonight” 

“It’s ok” 

And it is. He’s completely content just sitting next to her in silence for as long as she needs and although that should scare him shitless, it doesn’t anymore. In the past few months Taylor’s began to accept that looking after Hayley is a reflex to him, just like breathing, and there’s really nothing he can do about it other than embrace it, especially when she looks like she could use someone to lean on. 

“We are getting a divorce. I sent him the papers yesterday” she says coldly, continuing to stare into the bottom of her mug as if she’s searching for answers in her tea 

“He’s not been to the house since September, and I’ve been out for a few weeks now. I'm really sorry that I didn’t say so before T” she tells him in between sobs making a pause “I'm just so ashamed that I let it go on for so long” and he immediately moves to pull her into his arms after that. 

“Hey, it’s ok, it’s ok” Taylor whispers softly rubbing circles on her back trying to console her 

“You don’t have to be sorry, not with me. And there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, if anything I'm really proud of you Hayles, you got yourself out of that bad situation finally” he says petting her hair lovingly as she buries her face deep on his chest to hide from the world outside. She looks physically pained at the prospect of continuing this conversation, and Taylor wants so badly to help her, do something, anything to soothe her pain. 

“I’m sorry I just... I don’t want to talk about it” 

He gets the message, moving to pull her closer to him until she’s sitting on his lap, and he can hold her tighter. Hayley lets out a big heavy sigh when he does and her head stays hidden in the space between his neck and shoulder as her painful sobs slow down bit by bit and Taylor doesn’t even realize he’s let out a sigh of his own until he feels her look at him with red teary eyes, in understanding. 

The fact that she doesn’t flinch at their intimate position but actually relaxes into his touch sends an inconvenient spark of love straight to his heart, it makes him feel like he should share with her as well, because maybe it’ll help knowing that he’s also capable of staying in bad places for far too long. 

“I broke up with her last week” He tells her quietly and with a hint of shame to his voice “this time is for good” Taylor says firmly. 

Hayley moves her head to look at him sadly, like she doesn’t believe that this will be the last time and the action helps him refocus so he can make her understand why there’s no going back anymore. 

“I never felt safe with her you know...” 

“She loved to toyed with me and it started to mess me up. I knew I should’ve ended it sooner, but I was afraid of being alone again and I did really wanted us to work” he says quietly, feeling her little fingers start to trace his bars tattoo gently, doing a wonderful job at easing his racing mind. 

“I know it's shitty of me to say all of that, since we only just broke up but…” 

“It's not T, I met her!” Hayley says quickly, making him smile in spite of himself 

“I guess sometimes it can help to talk about stuff like that” he tells her slowly, 

“So, if you want to talk or if you don’t, you have me, ok?” and he should really leave it at that, since she looks more at ease and that was his intention all along. But he’s holding her so tight, and her hands are tracing his tattoo so tenderly that is making his heartbeat faster as he softly plays with her hair, and Hayley … 

well Hayley looks like she doesn’t mind their current position one bit so Taylor can’t stop himself from saying one last thing. 

“Even if you never want to tell me what happened, it doesn’t make a difference to me, I'm always here for you Hayley, always by your side” 

she stops the delicate treatment of her fingers at his words, untucking her face from his shoulder to see him better, her eyes are wide, green almost entirely gone, and Taylor swears he can sees a spark of longing there, but it goes by too quickly for him to dwell on it, too focus on the broken way she Thanks him before moving to wrap herself completely in his arms. 

  

May 2019  

“The black jeans” Taylor decides from his spot on the bed “I can’t deal with you in a tight little skirt if we are having dinner with granny and grandat ” 

Hayley nods laughing at the pained expression he gives her, turning back to the closet in search of a top to match her outfit, settling on a light blue one and some heeled boots. She grabs her small bag throwing a lipstick inside, her credit card and her phone. 

“All ready. should we get going?” she asks, pressing a kiss to his cheek now that he’s closer. 

“Yeah, we should get going if we want to make the 7.30 reservation” he tells her grabbing her hand to lead them downstair until he makes a pause tugging her back to whisper in her ear how pretty she looks and Hayley can’t help herself at how sweet it sounds coming from his mouth  so she pulls him to her for a kiss as she blushes "thanks, my love” 

“You’ve got everything?” she asks dropping her forehead to his shoulder, lost in their little moment. 

Taylor double checks his pockets, making sure he’s got everything “Yup, I think I’m ready” 

She touches up her lipstick quickly and checks her phone one last time “You know how to get to the restaurant right?” 

“Yes, all good, can you ring Grandat?, let him know we’re picking them up in 10” 

“Okay” 

They say bye to Alf, making sure he’s got all he needs to be on his own for a few hours and when they’re sure he’s fine they say bye one last time to those manipulative puppy eyes that make it harder to leave. 

The restaurant is nicer than they’d go for just  a weeknight dinner, but it feels so nice to be able to treat them to the best of the best. 

It’d been his idea to take them out, and she didn’t miss the glimmer in granny’s eyes when he’d personally come to their house to invite them, a subtle blush to her cheeks at his charming ways. Grandat had just smiled really big at the invitation, he knew they were back together but hadn’t said anything when she’d turned up with him a few weeks after their heartfelt talk, just looked at them from the side of the table with pure joy in his eyes. 

Dinner goes on without a hitch. 

The food is truly amazing, and they ask for a bottle of champagne to toast just because, at some point she has to excuse herself to the bathroom for a moment to gather all the emotions running through her body, because she didn’t believe she could have happiness like this anymore, not until Taylor. 

When they are done eating and they’ve all regretfully turned down dessert, the four of them decide to head back to Taylor’s house for a cup of coffee, not ready for the evening to be over yet, too content in each others company. Hayley looks so happy to have them all in one place, she hasn’t stopped smiling all night and he thinks that they should do this more often, because it’s been a perfect night. 

They get on her car driving around the city in comfortable conversation and on a red light, Hayley sneaks a peek at her grandat and boyfriend on the backseat, talking quite seriously about the preds upcoming season and heart almost burst right out of her chest at all the love she feels right then. 

The restaurant is only a couple minutes away from T’s house and once she parks the car, he’s quick to let them all in, giving them a small tour of the place at her granny’s request. 

“You have such a lovely home Turkey, thank u so much for having us” grandat says in his thick southern accent, making Taylor smile in embarrassment at the compliment. 

“Any time. I’d love to have you over again; it’s been a lovely night” he answers him politely 

Hayley’s cheeks hurt from how much smiling she’s done, and her mind keeps going back to one thought that her brain’s been playing on lop all night, 

 Maybe one day they can be granny and grandat. 

“T why don’t you show him your music room? I’m sure gradat would enjoy you talking his ear off about gear” she says, kissing his cheek “you boys have fun, we’ll get the coffee ready” 

“oh yeah sure, you call me if you need any help ok? He answers with a big goofy grin on his face. 

“I think there’s some chocolate covered almonds for granny on the pantry and I got you that herbal tea you like” Taylor tells her so tenderly, that she can’t help herself anymore pulling him by the hand quickly to the corner of the hall so she can kiss him in a needy way “ I love you” she tells him quietly and she can feel his smile as he pulls her in for another kiss "Love you more” 

They can hear the piano softly playing from the kitchen as they grab the cups and candies making their way out to the music room. She can make out most of it, a smile gracing her lips at the sound of a song she knows so well, one that’s part of most of her childhood memories, the good ones full of laughter and love. 

“Grandat might need to teach me how to use my piano properly, he’s a natural” Taylor says taking the coffee cup from her hands 

The old man is lost in the music, playing the last few chords of the song, earning a big round of applause from the small crowd when he finishes, and he stands dramatically to vow from the corner of the room. 

“That was so good grandat!!! I love that song so much” Hayley tells him moving to wrap him in a sweet hug. 

“Thank you sweet pea” he says returning her hug, “what do you say, can we do one together? I’d love to hear that lovely voice of yours” 

“It’d be my absolute pleasure” 

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.  

Take a sad song and make it better.  

Remember to let her into your heart,  

Then you can start to make it better  

Taylor and granny make a show out of it, twirling around in circles waltzing through the room and singing along to the chorus like is actual Paul McCartney who’s playing. By the end even Alf has made an appearance to try and steal some of the cookies from the coffee table and the music room hears so much life and laughter, that it makes for a perfect ending to a perfect night. 

   

A Few days later  

“Hayles are you busy?? I’d like to show you something” 

He got the idea the moment he heard the lyrics to the song. 

It was so perfect it almost felt like it’d be wrong not to, especially when she had told him about all the memories, she had attached to it and the way she looked so happy after they had dropped Granny and grandat at home. 

Taylor only hopes she likes it, that she doesn’t feel like is too soon or he’s being too much or that it’s too personal to put on the record, because he’s truly never been as excited to show her a song as he is right now. 

“Hi” her soft voice comes from the door frame, and she wastes no time moving to sit on his lap. 

“what’s this pressing matter than can’t wait another minute T?? I was about to come and get you so we can have some dinner, I’m staaaarving” Hayley tells him with a smile nudging her nose on his cheek, after pressing a soft kiss there. 

“it’ll just be a minute love” He answers in a calm voice, slowing his beating heart trying not to spoil the surprise. 

“Just press play. I want to show you something I’ve been working on” he tells her pinching her hip playfully, so she does as she’s told. 

“Ok” 

She presses the play button and the melody from crystal clear starts playing, Hayley smiles to herself thinking how easy it was to pin the lyrics. They had come out of her as if she’d had them on her mind all along. Truth be told, she never meant to write a love song to that music when she’d ask him if they could do one, the old way, but the melody felt so flowy and there was a watery feel to it that reminded her of pool, the thought making her reflect about how different life was then and now. 

Taylor watches her attentively as she bops her head to the song with her eyes closed getting lost in it, listening to a polished version of the demo she’s already heard. He waits for the last chorus to pass keeping his eyes glued to her face until the new outro he’s added starts playing and when it does, he hears her breathing stop abruptly, wide green eyes turning to look at him in disbelief. 

“Oh my god” Hayley says in complete shock, unable to utter any other words at the implications of this surprise from her boyfriend. 

Taylor takes her silence as a cue to explain himself, feeling a bit nervous suddenly, thinking that maybe she’s not liked it. 

“I...I got the idea the other day when your grandat was playing on my piano, so I recorded him on my phone to sample it” He starts to say softly, head hanging low, feeling a bit shy 

“I heard the lyrics and it click to me how fitting they were for this song, but also, how similar their story was to us you know. They met when they were young, fell in love, he wrote songs for her” he keeps talking caressing her thigh faintly with his fingers making her melt even more at the nervous way he’s saying all of this, like he’s not sure if it was ok to do so. 

“But then you told me all those stories about him playing it for granny when you were a kid and I thought that I'd be such a nice thing for you two to share, I just know he’ll be so happy when you tell him” Hayley’s in shock. She wishes she could stop time or freeze this moment so she can go back to it any time she wants. 

“We can take it out if you don’t like it, I just thought...” Taylor never gets to finish his ramble because in a second, something finally snaps and she’s launching herself to kiss him, kiss him with all she has unable to put into words how touched she is by his surprise, how in love with him she is and how much she shares his thoughts, wishing with all of her that this can be a memory they can tell and tell until they get old and they become granny and grandat. 

When the air has somewhat returned to her lungs, Hayley keeps him close putting her forehead to his, hearing his ragged breathing with a big smile on her lips. 

“I don’t know what to say” 

And Taylor laughs at her, sending a painful throb to her heart because it feels like it’s going to burst right out of her chest at any moment from all the love, she feels for this man in front of her. 

“I love It T, I don’t think I've ever gotten a gift as sweet as this, I... I'm so in love with you and sometimes it physically hurts, because you do shit like this and my heart’s beating so hard, I feel like I might have a heart attack right now”  Hayley closes her eyes at sound of the full of life laugh that comes out of Taylor, he grabs her neck pulling her slightly harder for a soul stirring kiss that leaves her whole-body cover in goose bumps. 

“I love you. But please don’t die on me Hayles, someone’s got to tell grandat he’ll be a featuring artist on your solo album” he tells her smiling, feeling his own heart grow twice in size at the thought that he’s so fucking gone for her it’s not even funny. 

 

Mmm, I don't wanna shut you out 

I don't wanna rush around or slow down 

This time, I wanna stay right here 

I wanna make it crystal clear 

That I won't give in to the fear 

 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

 

I remember standing on the edge 

Closing my eyes 

Counting to three, I 

Jump in with the rush in my head 

Only to find, the water was concrete 

And now you're pumpin' air to my lungs 

This don't feel anything like sinking 

In fact, no matter how deep I go 

Into you it looks like the water is crystal clear 

 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear (Clear) 

 

Here we go 

Gonna risk it again 

Let's hope it's the last time 

We don't know 

How this could end 

Let's hope it won't have to (Hmm), oh 

Won't have to (Hmm) 

 

Crystal clear (Crystal) 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

I won't give in to the fear 

Crystal clear 

 

Friends or lovers 

(Clear) Won't give in to the fear 

Friends or lovers, which will it be? 

It's a feeling (Friends or lovers) 

(Clear) I'm still right here 

Friends or lovers, which will it be? 

   

Notes:

Still a fav of mine, couldn't bring myself to change a thing and in a weird cosmic way this kinda connects with that little snippet I did of T watching H sing with Taylor Swift.

Chapter 22: Liar

Summary:

H: The article I was talking about last night.

She includes a link to the piece in the following text.

T: I’m in my studio, and You just interrupted a really cool guitar part I was working on, so we’ll never know how great it could’ve been, you’ve disrupted my concentration.

She smiles at his witty response, sending him an eye roll emoji.

H: U could’ve ignored me then. No need to respond and get yourself something to eat, you’re getting Hangry T, I can tell even from all the way here.

T: Right, cause you make it so easy to ignore you 😉, also, are u spying on me?

She can almost picture his adorable face as he types that, wishing she was on her way to see him now.

T: I’ll read it later when I'm alone and cold on my bed, thank you ❤  

Notes:

I looooooove this song, everything about it, the fact that the melody sounds pretty close to a video Taylor posted ages ago (when they were apart), the way she wrote him an apology !, how the drums sound like a heartbeat making it feel like Zac's there giving them their blessing the same way he did on crystal clear.
but even without all of that is such a good song, and i still remember all the times we wondered if there would be a tayley song in the new album thinking that from the tittles it'd be you first or crave, but no! of course she had to called it Liar!! I love it :)
Hope you enjoy,
-Love Em

April 2022   

“Do you want to share some fries with that?” Zac asks from his spot in front of him, looking at the menu  

Taylor nods at his best friend, looking around the place in silence and their waiter appears fast, a young blonde girl whose eyes widen slightly at the sight of two thirds of Paramore, but she keeps her cool enough to take their orders.  

It was a Wednesday afternoon and Hayley was doing vocals with Carlos at united, the two of them were done with their bit for the day so the pair had decided to have some bestie time grabbing lunch together after days at the studio doing nothing but talk about chords, beats and lyrics this was a much-needed change to be just friends hanging out.   

“So how was Nashville? Did you and Kayla have fun at grandma farro’s birthday last weekend?” Taylor asks in a teasing tone  

“You know, had it not been her 90 th, I do not think we could’ve managed with that little alcohol. thank God for my girlfriend’s never ending conversation topics and the fact that I had Jonathan and indigo to keep me company” He answers with a big sigh  

“at least I got to see the kids. Haven’t seen them in forever, they’re so big now, and to be fair Josh was fine, polite enough to get by for grandma. Is his wife I can’t deal with honestly, is like she has to make it a thing that I'm there, and I think we’re too old for that shit now” Zac says in defeat  

“I'm sorry, I mean...I know is not easy dealing with them after everything that’s happened Z, but again you said even Josh understood that you were there for your grandma, I hope you guys can figure it out at some point but yeah, she was always kind of like that from what I remember and well you know about the angry  call she gave Hayley so” Taylor says in an attempt to comfort him.  

It sucks big time when the people you used to be close with become strangers, and he can’t imagine how much worse that is when it’s your actual brother. Taylor himself can admit that there’s times he wishes things could be different with the other Farro (mostly for Zac’s sake) but so much has happened, and the truth is they’ve all changed too much (for better and worse) to even try now, still, they are brothers and that’s not something you can just get away from so easily and Taylor feels for his friend a lot because he knows it’s a sore spot, Afterall Zac’s always been a sensitive guy.  

“What did you do without all your favorite people around, bet you were on the couch with Alf all week and he loved it” Zac says with a smirk digging into his food.  

“Something like that, Hayley actually came back a few days early you know, with my melt down the other day she’s been on edge, and I hate it” he says honestly, Zac’s about to say something but Taylor’s quicker feeling like he needs to ease his best friends worries as well.  

“I’m going to get back into therapy. I know I scared you all the other day and don’t pretend like you haven’t been checking up on me constantly” he says with a smile watching Zac’s eyes soften   

“I love you Z, I'm sorry I've been off lately but I'm going to get through this and I'm so grateful to have you, always” he says making Zac stand to hug his friend.  

“Love you too, and I'm proud of you for seeking help” he tells him in a choke up voice, making him feel really loved and supported.  

They finish their food, engaging in more simple conversations until Zac decides that this is as good a time as any to share a thought that’s been running through his head.  

“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something” he says catching his best friend’s attention from across the table.  

“I was going through my phone the other day and found a video you posted ages ago on Instagram” That’s weird Taylor thinks, because he barely knows how to log into his account and gave up on social media a while ago.  

“A video that I posted? Are you sure??” He asks   

“Yup, even I felt weird saying that” he says making them both laugh   

“You were playing guitar at your old place and the melody sounded really good, here” he says handing him the phone to watch the video in question, “you never showed us that, don’t know if you used it for something but I think we could work with it. It has a melancholic kinda of vibe, that could be great to work at the moment and it sounds very cool, different but cool”  

Taylor remembers this one.    

He watches the short clip a couple more times biting time, deciding whether or not to tell the long story or the one with a happy ending and maybe the silence has been going on for longer than he realized because when Zac speaks again it finally snaps him out of his internal monologue.  

“We don’t have to if you don’t want. I just came across the melody and thought I'd bring up to you” he tells him in understanding, knowing how personal music can be.  

“I came up with that one when Hayley and I were broken up” he says calmly but there’s a hint of something in his voice that has Zac wishing he hadn’t said anything at all.  

“I... shit I'm sorry Taylor, we don’t have to, really. I just...” He starts to ramble in distress, but his friend stops him before he can spiral.  

“It’s fine Z, honestly. I had forgotten about it”  

“But I think you might be right. I mean, maybe we can give it a new meaning or maybe we’ll put it in the trash pile, who knows, but we should give it a go” Taylor says making Zac smile at him.  

  

April 2018   

“Did you get the email I sent you about the meeting with the big bosses from Sephora?” Brian asks the second he catches sight of his blonde best friend typing furiously on her computer.  

Hayley looks up from the screen she’s been glued to for the past two hours and stares at him for a moment, mentally running through the number of emails she’s gone through in that time, trying to recall which one he’s referring to.   

“Trip to San Francisco, we have to give them a date so they can arrange an on-person meeting” he says slowly as if he’s talking to a child.  

“Yes. I’ve already answer them saying that we will confirm within the next few days, I talked to Becca, and she said that you should be fine to go early June and I have to check with mark, but I think the first week is our best shot”   

“All right, miss boss lady”   

Hayley smiles at him standing to stretch her stiff muscles walking to the office kitchen for a much-needed snack “I want you to know that I love when you call me boss lady” she says in mock seriousness  

“I know. That’s why I do it” he tells her smiling, grabbing two packs of almonds and tossing her one  

“Do you think you could fix my hair a bit before I go?” She asks in between chews and her friend gives her a grin.  

“Sure thing, if you’re done with the emails, I can do that now”   

“All done” she tells him, and they both move to the other room where Brian gives her some soft curls That make for a much better look than what she had going on.  

“You sure you can’t come tonight? Beth’s been dying to see you” Hayley says from the corner gathering her things to leave  

“I'm dying to see her, but the fiancé and I had that dinner planned since we got back from tour, Beth and I are having brunch tomorrow, you can join us if you’re not too hangover or busy tangled up on T’s bed sheets” he says with a big grin making her cheeks turn pink  

“Ok, I'm off, can only deal with one of you at a time and God save me from all Beth will have to say!” she says kissing a smiling Brian goodbye.  

When Hayley gets to her car, she texts her friend quickly sending the directions to the place they are going for drinks and before starting the car,decides to send another quick text to a certain curly haired man that's always on her mind.  

H: The article I was talking about last night.   

She includes a link to the piece in the following text.   

T: I’m in my studio, and You just interrupted a really cool guitar part I was working on, so we’ll never know how great it could’ve been, you’ve disrupted my concentration.   

She smiles at his witty response, sending him an eye roll emoji.   

H: U could’ve ignored me then. No need to respond and get yourself something to eat, you’re getting Hangry T, I can tell even from all the way here.  

T: Right, cause you make it so easy to ignore you 😉, also, are u spying on me?   

She can almost picture his adorable face as he types that, wishing she was on her way to see him now.  

T: I’ll read it later when I'm alone and cold on my bed, thank you ❤  

Hayley stares at the heart emoji for a bit too long feeling uneasy, it’s a casual way to end a sentence, she sends them regularly, especially to Taylor, but mixed with the substance of their conversation, it settles in a weird way, because it feels awfully close to a couple texting about sweet nothings.  

In fact, their sort of arrangement has started to resemble something awfully close to a relationship.    might be the easy banter, heart emojis or plans made, could be the light talk about a conversation they’d had the night before when she was at his place eating dinner, watching a movie cuddle on his couch or how at the end of most evenings, she ends up sleeping on his bed curl up next to him, relaxing into the bed when he pulls her closer.  

All the alarms go on in her head then, they Have to end this and they have to do it now.    

Who was she kidding???  

It was never going to work, to be casual with Taylor. They have to stop while they’re ahead, They can’t keep going on like this, tour is just around the corner and it’s not right to dump this on everyone else.  

Hayley can’t lie to herself anymore, not after talking with her sister, not after realizing she’s in love with him, and maybe if it ends now, there can still be a chance to try and fix this. And it’ll be better in the long run, she tells herself, It'll take time, but they can move past this. She won’t really have him, but at least she’ll never have to know what it’s like to lose him.  

She goes through dinner with Beth on autopilot feeling guilty all the way home about the little lie she’s told her friend to go home early, Because Beth would’ve told her off for sure If she knew what was really happening, and Hayley is not ready for the tiny bit of resolve she has left to crumble, it had already been near impossible to text him asking if they could talk, thinking about what she was about to do.   

Taylor’s already at her house when she gets there (Fucking spare key, emergencies only my ass !), she spots the familiar black car as soon as she pulls up to the front, feeling herself tense and grabbing her bag with a big sigh.  

He’s standing in the middle of the living room when she walks in, balanced on a stool working on unscrewing one of the bulbs from the ceiling and they both freeze in place at the sound of her bag hitting the floor, brown eyes locking on green.  

“What are you doing?”  

“The bulb’s burned out, I noticed it the other day” he explains "thought I’d replace it before you got back. Sorry, I didn’t mean to ambush you”  

 “No, don’t apologize, thanks, wouldn’t have known had to do it myself” She slips out of her jacket and shoes while he finishes replacing the bulb, putting everything away in the most uncomfortable silence they’ve ever experienced.  

 It's never been like this with Taylor, Silence’s always been comforting around each other, but this quiet is heavy with dread and Hayley knows he feels it too.  

“I can come back tomorrow if you want,” he says quietly, "I know you wanted to…talk, but you’ve been out all day and is late”.  

Just rip the bandage off    

“No, it’s fine, we can talk now. want to sit down?” She tells him without looking at him once and moving to the living room with Taylor following close behind.  

He sits on the end of the couch as if he’s waiting for a blow, ready to run at any given moment and Hayley tucks herself into the corner on the very far end of the small sofa, resisting the urge to touch him. "He’ll be alright," she tells herself for the hundredth time, if I do this now before I can hurt him, he’ll be over me soon enough, I can live with that.    

“Hayley, what’s this about? I mean, I’m no therapist but I know nothing good comes after a text with ‘we need to talk” Taylor says exhaling loudly and She fumbles, searching for the right thing to say; surprising herself with the next thing that comes out of her mouth.  

“Did you talk to Erica? The day after we had the party in Tokyo, I mean” This was not how she picture starting this conversation, but Beth had made a comment at dinner and Hayley couldn't for the life of her, let it go, in fact It was the thing that had pushed her to text him .    

He nods slowly. “We ran into each other outside the restaurant, when I was having a smoke”  

“And what did she say?” She says slowly not wanting to believe that is true, because fuck that’s going to make all of this even harder.  

“She said… she said that we were approaching a point of no return and that I needed to put a stop to things between us if I had any doubts” he says in a calm voice that makes her want to punch something, because he can’t be so oblivious!  

“That was months ago Taylor! Why didn’t you say anything?”  

“Because I didn’t have any doubts Hayley, but I’m guessing by the look on your face that you do” And maybe is the way he doesn’t miss a beat when he lets the words out so confidently, or maybe is just that she needs him to understand, either way, she feels light headed like she might pass out at any moment.  

“T, I don’t… I mean, I think… fuck, why is this so hard?” She mumbles running a hand through her hair in a stress manner   

“Taylor, we can’t do this anymore”  

She turns to watch him; he swallows hard but otherwise looks unaffected by her outburst, speaking the next words slowly “I’m going to need you to be more specific than that Hayley”  

“We can’t keep doing this ,” she blurts out louder than intended, feeling her heart hammering in her chest, “You and me, the sex...the falling sleep together on the couch with Alf and then having breakfast the next morning? all of it, we have to stop”   

There’s a big silence that echoes loud in the room before Hayley speaks again, and she’s started pacing back and forth in a haze not ready, doesn’t know what to do with herself at the moment honestly.  

“I got the final papers from my divorce last week and I...I drove to your house in the middle of the night, but when I got there” She takes a big deep breath “Fuck, when I got there I...”  

“ I told myself off and turned the car back around” she looks pained, and her green eyes are beaming with tears and all he wants to do is hold her, but decides against it, staying put, giving her the space to say what she needs.  

“All I wanted was you that night” She says sniffling “Wanted to see you, feel your arms around me, as I told you all the thoughts running through my mind, how I was so fucking angry to have my name in writing close to his again, how I … God! how I wished I would’ve listened to everyone around me, but...” she takes a step to stand in front of him before continuing, and Taylor just about caves then, moving from the couch to go hug her but she moves past him, going back to pacing back and forth, leaving him to sit back down again clenching his fist.  

“Mostly I just wanted you near, so I could calm myself” she tells him quietly as the tears roll down her cheeks.  

“I know you’ll get mad at me for this, and you have every right to be, I’m selfish, and I’ll hurt you and I'm really sorry but… I think it’s for the best, because I'm always getting you in trouble T, you always end up in my messes haven’t you noticed?, even right now .”  

She can tell Taylor’s about to stop her rant and say something, so she needs to hurry this out so she can go up to her room and cry herself to sleep.  

“you have every reason to yell at me or get angry but just let me get this out, please...”   

“we need to stop. it’s not casual what we’re doing and…I fuck it all up with my own hands every time , all I ever do is get you in trouble” she says in between sobs and though he’s stays sat on the couch, this time he does stop her.   

 “That’s not true Hayley and you know it. I'm just as bad, don’t know where in world did you get the impression that I'm some perfect human, but it’s the furthest thing from the truth, and I can tell you’re scared, so am I but…” Taylor says softly, looking up at her with nothing but love  trying to get to her but she takes his pause as a sign to keep vomiting all her insecurities to the man she loves, willing him to understand why this is all so wrong.  

“You don’t know how much I wished I would’ve thought this one through T” she says taking a deep shaky breath,  

“Because I look at you and see the position I put you in every time, and bit by bit I always end up wrapping you around my noose, pulling you into the darkness with me. you don’t deserve that at all ”  

“I tell myself this every day, tell myself that...Hayley you have to end it, don’t keep pulling on Taylor or you will wreck it all. And you’ll regret it ” she says hopelessly, watching his brown eyes process every word she’s just said.  

“Do you think that what runs through your mind doesn’t run through mine?” she tells him in defeat, and all Taylor wants to do is pull her to him and kiss her to make her understand why she’s got it all wrong, so he steps closer into her space carefully.  

“You don’t know how much strength it takes from me to restrain, you’re all I think about Taylor...”  

She never gets to finish that thought because he finally wraps her in a Tight hug, pulling her impossibly close and rubbing soft circles on her back to soothe her shaking body, it feels like letting go, and Taylor keeps her there for a while, hearing her take uneasy breaths before he takes her face in his hands to get the next words out right.  

“All I want to do is kiss you right now, but you won’t stop pacing Hayles” He says sweetly,   

“I'm dying to hold you, take you up to your room and show how fucking wrong you are, how much I want you, how happy I'm with you” He tells her, watching the way her eyes go wide at his confession and how her breathing stops.  

“We promised to stay friends, and I can do that if you say that’s what you really want but if this is fear, or that lovely mind of yours going off the rails again, thinking I'd be better without you, then I'm going to need a better reason not to kiss you right now Hayley, because you’re all I ever think about too, so be honest, if not with me then at least with yourself”  

“Is that what you really want? For us to just be friends?” He tells her slowly, looking her straight in the eye awaiting patiently her answer, because she can try to lie all she wants but they both know that neither of them want to remain just friends, no, that possibility went out the window that first night in Manchester. They stay frozen for a minute, chests heaving as their words hung heavy in the air between them until Hayley gives him a light push, needing some space.  

“I am being honest” she whispers so quietly that Taylor would’ve missed it had he not been so close  

“What?”  

“I am being honest,” she repeats from the corner of the room "honest with myself , because I’ve realized what I’m doing to you”  

“Making me happy? Yeah, I’ve noticed that too” he tells her quickly hearing her huff in frustration at his stubbornness, he watches her run a hand through her hair in exasperation,  

 “No Taylor, I’m holding you back”   

“From what? ” His voice is high pitched and loud, louder than before for sure  

“From everything T! You can’t honestly tell me you wouldn’t want more someday. A wedding? A house? Kids?” She tells him angrily, like she doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for him to see how bad she is for him, how much happier he’d be without her.  

“Not if it’s not with you.” Taylor says firmly and Hayley shuts her eyes, practically recoiling from the words “Don’t say that”  

“Why?  I never say things I don’t mean, and that’s the truth.”  

Her eyes fill with sad tears from the words, because she knows it’s true, he’d never say it if he didn’t feel it “I don’t know if I can give you that, Taylor, and don’t want you to waste your time with me” It only takes him two short strides to stand in front of her and cradle her face  

“Hayley, look at me. The only wasted time I’m worried about is the time we’re apart and I don’t give two shits about that other stuff. Not right now, anyway. All I care about you. So If you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you don’t want me, that you think you’d be happier without me then I'll leave right now, and we’ll never talk about it again. But if you can’t, then now I'm going to need a really good reason not to kiss you”  

 “T… I… I don’t know what I’m doing” She’s stops pacing and her admission is barely a whisper, hardly more than a wisp of a breath “I’ve never felt so much for someone before and… God, it feels like drowning sometimes. I just… it scares me, okay?” And he has the audacity to smile at her words before wrapping her in his arms.  

“I’ve never felt this way before either not even close” he tells her with his lips on her hair, Feeling her little hands hold onto to him for dear life  

“but I’m not asking you for forever Hayles, I don’t need you to promise me the rest of your life right now. we can just start with the next ten minutes, next twenty-four hours? Maybe?” he tells her softly, tilting her chin to look her in the eye, a few more tears she’d been holding back slipped free, tracing their way down her cheek but Taylor wipes them away with his thumb.   

“Twenty-four hours,” she repeats “I can do that” And He feels himself relax a bit then, “I know you need to do things on your own time, and I can respect that, but I do have one request”  

“Hmm?” Hayley says rubbing her face on his palm like a kitten.  

“No more spiral thinking or assuming things Please? I can’t do it again, if you are afraid or confused or don’t want me anymore, you tell me, and we talk about it, ok?”  

“I don’t think we have a choice anymore” she says with a watery laugh “Half of our friends know we’re together”  

“Are we? Together, I mean” he asks in disbelief  

“For at least the next twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes” she answers with a smile, watching his shoulders relax entirely, softening his stiff pose.  

Good, he thinks, bringing her closer by the back of her head in a kiss that feels like a silent promise between the two.  

And fuck if it isn’t the sweetest thing in the world when Taylor feels her smile into the kiss and her little hands get lost in his hair.  

He’ll remind her every day if he needs to, they will do this twenty-four hours at a time.  

  

End of April 2022   

“So...”  

“so”  

“Oh, c'mon just say it! it was cute the first time, you’re just being annoying now ” Hayley says in an exasperated tone moving her arms in the air for emphasis.  

They’ve just ordered dinner, tired from a long day at the studio and as Taylor went through endless movies on their Netflix account, Hayley just couldn’t take it anymore, winning a big smile from her boyfriend because this is what he wanted all along.  

“You have not ONE thing to say about the lyrics for Liar?” she tells him in frustration  

“What was that again my love?”  

“Taylor”  

“Hayley”  

“Who told you about the video anyways” he asks genuinely curious, there’s no way she hasn’t seen it, with the song she just showed them today and it makes his heart burst with Love, knowing that after having that bit of information, she pinned an apology.  

“Zac, but that’s not important now” she tells him quickly and the insight only makes his grin grow wider  

“Apology accepted” Taylor says turning to look at her with a smirk  

“What?!”  

“1st of all, it’s absurd. 2nd, it’s disrespectful, Ugh. Get me out of here!” He starts in a mocking tone watching Hayley’s eyes grow wide  

“Everyone should just know better anyway. I hate to see anyone belittle the friendships that I have with Taylor” He keeps going making air quotations with his hands “It’s not complicated so don’t make it that way”  

Hayley’s fully hiding her face under a pillow, dying of laughter, because of course he would take this as an opportunity to bring that back.  

“You're so full of shit!” he says smiling into the kiss, since Hayley has launched herself onto him , he wants to take this moment to just rejoice and be petty, thinking about how he was right when he told Zac that they could give this music a new meaning.  

“Would it help if I said I was in denial?” She asks with puppy eyes that sparkle in happiness “can tell you about every time I thought of kissing you and ruining the friendship wayyy before Manchester” Hayley says honestly  

“You don’t have to, I know” he tells her smugly  

“when you thought, it’d be fitting to call me button on an interview, when we had coffee after Zac and josh left” he starts, watching her nod enthusiastically “when we did that live stream for self-tittle and we sang along to seal, when I gave you that peep talk before reading in leads, I can keep going” He says smiling at her because she’s moved to plant kisses all over his face  

“I love you” she says tenderly  

“Love you ” he tells her before putting his lips to hers in a sweet kiss.  

  

What was the moment? It's hard to say  
I'm sure I don't remember anyway  
Before I only knew to hesitate  
Pin back in the grenade  
And all the ways I'd keep you safe  
I keep you safe from me  

And, oh my love, I lied to you  
But I never needed to  
Oh my love, I lied to you  
But you always knew the truth  

I got too good at fighting chemicals  
And dodging arrows I was asking for  
Wading through the fog and then it disappeared  
Naked when I'm here  
And why should I deny what's all at once so crystal clear?  

And, oh my love, I lied to you  
But I never needed to  
Oh my love, I lied to you  
But you always knew the truth  

Love is not an easy thing to admit  
But I'm not ashamed of it  
Love is not a weakening  
If you feel it rushing in  
Don't be ashamed of it  

Love is not an easy thing to admit  
But I'm not ashamed of it  
Love is not a weakening  
If you feel it rushing in  
Don't be ashamed of it  

And, oh my love, I lied to you  
But I never needed to  
Oh my love, I lied to you  
But you always knew the truth  

And, oh my love, I lied to you  
But I never needed to  
Oh my love, I lied to you  
But you always knew the truth  

Notes:

Ps. This was written BEFORE we knew that T had created that piece of music as a teenager 🥲😭

Chapter 23: Crave

Notes:

So, crave is a Tayley song FIGHT ME , I actually had this one planned since the first chapter ;)
Now THIS, is the end.
Thank you so much to all of you for reading 😚💜

hope you enjoy this little Tayley recap, it was great for me to write!!!
lots of love Em xx

I can't wait to memorize this day 
Oh, a picture could not contain the way it feels 
You say, "Live in the present" 
I'm already dreaming of how it begins 
And trying to savor the moment 
But I know the feeling will come to an end 

So I crave, crave to do it again, all again 
Crave, crave, to do it again, I 
Just for a second it all felt simple 
I'm already missing it 
So I crave, crave to do it again, all again 

I romanticize even the worst of times 
When all it took to make me cry was being alive 
Look up and see a reflection 
Of someone who never gave way to the pain 
What if I told 'em that now that I'm older 
There isn't a moment that I'd wanna change? 

Now I crave, crave to do it again, all again 
Crave, crave to do it again 
Just for a second it, all felt simple 
I'm already missing it 
So I crave, crave to do it again, all again 

Any second, feel the present 
Future and the past connecting 
(Past connecting, past connecting) 
Any second, feel the present 
Future and the past connecting 
(Past connecting, past connecting) 
(Crave) 

Crave, crave to do it again, (to do it) all again 
Crave, crave to do it again, I 
Just for a second, it all felt simple 
I'm already missing it 
So I crave, crave to do it again, all again 

  

2002    

It was a warm spring day and Hayley was not sure why she had even agreed to come to this stupid football game in the first place, maybe it was because staying at home alone didn’t feel like the most exciting afternoon or could be because Zac (the goofy boy she’d met a couple months ago in class) had insisted that she should come and they could go back to his friend’s house after, to play some music (yeah, that was probably the reason), she was trying to play it cool with her new friend but truth be told he was pretty good at the drums, like really good and so far he had proved to be easy to hang with, very nice, always making her mix cd with music that had blown her little mind, plus his older brother was not half bad at guitar, and she was hoping to play music with them soon.  

“Hayley! Hi!” She turns at the sound of her name, watching Zac wave from the other side of the field close to the fence, she can’t really see but there’s a curly haired boy she’s never met next to him as well.  

“Hi Zac” she greets the boy smiling and looking to his left at the quiet looking kid next to him, that if she had to guess is probably his best friend, whose brothers in that cool band Zac can’t stop talking about, the boy eyes her from head to toe but otherwise, smiles sweetly, he hasn't said a word though, a striking contrast to Zac, Hayley thinks.  

“Hi, hi!! Hayley, this is my best friend Taylor, Taylor this is Hayley” he tells them solemnly and the boy extends his hand politely, too politely for Hayley who goes in for a hug, definitely taking him by surprise.  

“Hi Taylor, I’m Hayley” she says excitedly “Zac won’t stop talking about you, is really nice to meet you”  

“Hey” he tells her with a soft smile “right back at you, I mean is nice to meet you, yeah, he won’t shut up about this cool red-haired girl he met at school who can played drums as hard as him” and Hayley doesn’t know why but the comment makes her blush.  

The three of them stay at the football game for a while longer and it doesn’t take much for Hayley or Taylor to understand why Zac was so insisting on them meeting each other, they just click. The awkwardness last for only a second because soon enough the trio is deep in conversation, and surprisingly Zac feels like he might’ve fucked this up , because his two friends are far more interested in each other, talking about anything and everything than about going home to play music, oh well!  

2005    

“Hey guys, I don’t think I can come to Florida” Taylor says in defeat watching his friends faces drop just likes his did when he heard the news.  

“What?!!” Zac asks exasperated  

“What do you mean T, this is our chance to make it! They said if they liked the demo, we get the green light to do the record, you have to come” Hayley tells him loudly, and Taylor smiles at the nickname she had made a point to give him, one that now feels more like him than his own name.  

“I know” he tells them in sadness “Mom was not happy about the idea, since we’re in the middle of school and I've tried to convince her but she’s not budging, I'm sorry this really sucks” he says feeling Hayley’s arms go around him to hug him, something she loves to do.  

“I'm sorry, maybe you can come after school’s done” she tells him softly  

“Yeah... Maybe"  

 2007    

“Hey T wait up” he turns his head to see a running Hayley sprinting to him  

“Hey! wanted to go for ice cream Afterall?” he asks looking up from his phone, where he was just texting his girlfriend gabby.  

“Yeah, I always want ice cream you know that, but also Josh was being a dick” she says with a grimace on her face  

“Consistent theme, he flipped on me yesterday when I suggested a change to the setlist” he tells her like an afterthought, but her eyes go wide  

“Yup, but is whatever, don’t worry about it”  

“it’s not ok, he can’t keep treating us all like crap” she tells him angrily  

“Hayles is fine he’s just stressed and also…”  

“Also, what?”  

“He’s jealous Hayley” he says softly, watching her brows furrow  

“Jealous? Of whom?!” Taylor debates if he should say something now that he’s started, or keep his mouth firmly shut and stay out of it for his and everyone's sake.  

“it’s not my place, so I’ll say this just once” she can tell he does not want to say it, but he can’t leave her her like this, without finishing that thought  

“Oh, c’mon T just spill it out already”  

“Be careful Hayles, he’s been circling around you, and I know you can tell” Taylor says looking at her pointily “he’s bad news, so please don’t do anything stupid” he finishes, and Hayley feels an uncomfortable weight in the pit of her stomach because she knows that what he's saying is true.  

“Yeah...I know, maybe I just want the attention since Josh doesn’t even give me the time of day lately” she says, and he drops and arm around her to keep her close as they walk to the ice cream parlor near the venue.  

“You don’t need any more attention! but ok, just be careful”  

“Will do, and say hi to gabby” Hayley says, making him look at her in question  

“You were smiling like a goof at your phone” she tells him making them both laugh at his red cheeks  

2010    

She’s been sitting in her car for the past 15 minutes not ready for this conversation, she knows is coming but fuck this one’s going to really suck.  

Hayley spots him immediately, the familiar red beanie sat alone by the window looking as nervous as her, and she hates that this is them now.  

“Hi” he says quietly, standing up to hug her. She returns it as best she can, holding onto him tight.  

“I got you a tea, and they had vegan cookies so, here” Taylor says pushing a fancy looking plate her way, Hayley gives him a small smile, at least he’s being gentle about it.    

“ Thank you, T” she says quietly, speaking for the first time since they ran into each other at the concert an hour ago, and he asked if they could talk.  

Taylor notices her shaking hands as she grabs the cup of tea to distract herself and realizes what might be going through her head, reinforcing the idea that he has to say the next words as clearly as possible.   

He moves his hand over the table to take the packet of sugar from her, ripping it open and dumping it over the cup, since Hayley seems to be struggling to do so, and she looks up at him with panic written across her eyes.  

“I'm not going anywhere Hayles, I'm not done with Paramore” he tells her slowly hearing her breath stop at the words.  

“What?!, but Zac and you and I thought I...” she starts rambling fast until he stops her, taking her hand to give a firm squeeze   

“I'm not done, and if you’ll have me, I'd love to still be part of this band” He says slowly watching her eyes grow wide “Me and Zac... well we are not seeing eye to eye at the moment, but either way, I'm my own person and I don’t want to be done with Paramore, so I'm staying, if that’s ok with you?” He says in question, and all Hayley can do is stand from her seat to go hug him, clinging onto him as he softly pets her hair to help her calm her shaky breaths.  

“ok” she tells him in a choke up voice, feeling the lump in her throat ease bit by bit thanks to him.  

They finish the cookies and tea in more comfortable conversation after that, talking about the me without concert they’ve just watch, but Hayley doesn’t go back to her seat on the opposite side of the table, choosing to stay next to Taylor instead, where she’s always safe and understood .  

When they say their byes and she hug him tight one last time, Hayley walks back to her car in silence processing their talk just to end up collapsing onto the steering wheel with big sobs of relief.  

2011    

“Please don’t start calling me button, and pray that it can be edited out of that” Taylor says next to her with a pained look, moving to stand out of the couch and pushing her off playfully  

Hayley laughs from the floor scolding herself silently, because that was just so cringe and she’s so stupid to think that’d be cute. Taylor’s just a friend, hot, fun, interesting but just a friend and she has a boyfriend (who hasn’t texted in days but still), and even if she didn’t, after Josh she can’t ever go there again. Boyfriends and bandmates do not mix, lesson learned.  

“Yeah, sorry about that” she tells him quietly, standing up to get her bag from the bunk, maybe some fresh air will be good to clear her mind and stop her from doing anymore dumb shit for the day.  

Hayley’s only just stepped out of the bus, when she catches sight of Taylor smoking on the corner, making her huff in annoyance.   

“Should stop while you still can, you don’t need those cancer sticks to be cooler or rock n’ roll” she yells making him look up with a slight smile, and fuck her mind, because she has no right thinking he actually looks pretty hot smoking that cigarette.  

“You going out?” Taylor asks jogging from the other side to catch up with her “And I can stop at any time Hayles, this is just to unwind” he says with a smirk “Besides, everyone knows I'm the cool one, cooler than you for sure”   

“Keep telling yourself that T, I was going to get some snacks for later” Hayley says, silently asking him to stay back so she can actually stop all this spiral thinking.  

“Alright, if you insist” he answer making her laugh  

“It wasn’t an invitation!”  

“c’mon I'm bored as hell and we still have 3 more hours till the show, let’s make it an adventure, we can take one of the moto scooters they gave us” he tells her with puppy eyes “C’mon Hayley, you know you want to, I'll even let you drive!”  

“Fine! But no screaming when I round the corners”   

“Oh god I'm going to die before we even play the show!” Taylor says dramatically but with a big grin on his face when she shoves him lightly.  

Truth be told, Taylor wouldn’t mind dying on his way to Walmart on the back of a moto scooter with Hayley driving, it would be a better way to go than the constant panic attacks that have made an appearance in the past two months.  

 Just two friends doing dumb shit that could get them in trouble but having the time of their lives, like any time they’re together.    

2012    

H: I’m outside  

T: What if I’m not home?   

H: your car is in the driveway… open the door T, I’ve got food  

Taylor’s about to type a response but decides against it, walking down the stairs to open the door wondering what in the world could this be about.  

“Hi” he says to a smiling Hayley that looks wayyyy too overly excited not to be concerning.  

She walks past him straight to the kitchen setting up the food on the table and two drinks.  

“Hayles what’s this about?? I dropped you at your house not even an hour ago” he says confused moving to sit on the stool in front of her.  

“Do you have your headphones?” she says with a grin  

“My headphones?” he asks confused but she can’t wait anymore, so she takes her own from her bag, handing him one and putting the other on.  

“Hayley...”  

“Shh, just wait” she presses play and the music starts playing, Taylor’s eyes widen when he realizes what’s happening and Hayley’s almost sparkle with happy tears.  

“Oh my god!” he exhales   

“I know! I came here right away; they just emailed me the finished song”   

They listen till the end, and when the last note plays Taylor stands from his stool to go hug her.  

“Oh my god, Hayley!! That was so fucking good!! Now you’ve really made it, I’m so proud of you” he tells her joining in on her laughter.  

“I know T, still can believe I made a song with our favorite band” she says looking up at him with pure happiness "thanks for pushing me to do it, I was so nervous that day at the studio doing vocals” Hayley tells him shyly.  

“Oh, I would’ve passed out and no need to thank me, this was all you”   

“You could’ve done it too, but I understand it’s too much at the moment” she says looking at him with soft eyes knowing how much he’s been struggling with his anxious mind lately.  

“They asked about you though, mike said your guitar playing for monster was phenomenal” Hayley says watching him blush, a soft smile on her face from the memory. It always feels so good when others can see how great he is.  

“A toast” she says raising her glass as Taylor mirrors her “To having fucking awesome friends” she tells him looking him in the eye “and to making childhood dreams come true, cheers”  

“Cheers” he says from his spot  

“When we play it live you have to come!!” Hayley says full of excitement watching him nod enthusiastically.  

“wouldn’t miss it for the world” Taylor says softly and now Hayley is the one blushing at his words, because he’s always her biggest fan .  

2013    

Are they ever going to address her little internet rant? Taylor knew she never considered him that way but didn’t think the idea of them together was so repulsive to Hayley, and why in the world is he even thinking about this right now? She’s got a boyfriend (who’s a dick), he’s got a girlfriend (and a puppy), they’re friends, best friends even, and that's always been enough, so why is he overthinking this???  

He shakes his head to clear his mind, finishing getting ready for the show they’re about to play, hearing the unusual quiet greenroom as he walks the short steps to go get the rest of his band, hoping that everyone's ready because is 20 minutes to show time and he doesn’t need any more anxious thoughts.  

“T, can you help me with the in ears? Don't know where the fuck’s Brian and Riley just went off to the stage” Hayley tells him as soon as he steps in the room, and he sighs as soon as he takes notice of the teeny tiny shorts she’s wearing.  

“sure”  

He moves closer, focusing on the task at hand, scolding himself for even having those type of thoughts about her. Hayley turns her back to him, pulling her shirt up a bit so he can drop the wire down her back and Taylor goes through the motions of securing everything on her waist on autopilot, but his fingers itch when they graze her soft skin, and maybe he’s imagining it, but he hears her sharp intake of breath when the wire tangles and Taylor has to move her shirt up higher.  

“All done” he says in a monotone  

“Thanks” Hayley tells him breathlessly, with a small smile  

“We have to go now , it’s almost time” Taylor tells her in a nervous tone, watching her grab what she needs from the small room.  

“Ok, let’s go” she says, grabbing his hand to pull him to the stage door, scolding herself for that and also for her own disturbing thoughts about her friend .  

2015    

Fuck Fuck Fuck she’s not ready, Taylor’s gonna know and he will say something. He’s not going to brush it off like everyone else, Hayley’s sure of that, she can try to hide but not from Taylor .  

“u ok? You’re making a hole in the floor with that leg bouncing up and down” Brian tells her with a hint of concern as he finishes with her hair.  

“fine”   

“Hayley are you ready?? “Mark shouts from the hallway.  

“coming”  

She walks into the room and the interviewer is already sat down, there’s three chairs for them, and Taylor looks up at her in question probably at the fact that she didn’t choose the one next to him as she usually does, but Hayley brushes him off turning to the young guy with the questions smiling.  

The interview goes fine…some song questions like why they did a part II, some others from the fans that don’t dive into anything too personal, just the usual about her hair, favorite cities to play and a fun one about parahoy next year.  

When they are done, the three of them walk out of the room in comfortable silence to get to the car that’s waiting outside but when she rounds the corner, Hayley feels an arm tugging her back.  

“Is he coming tonight?” Taylor asks calmly but accusatory, looking at the engagement ring that’s once again on her finger, even after she spent a whole afternoon telling him all the ways her fiancé had wronged her and why they were done for good. That there was no way she’d marry after knowing he had cheated on her repeatedly .  

“He…he is” she says with eyes wide, her voice quieter and weaker than she would’ve liked but the angry demeanor that’s coming out of him is making this all much harder than she thought.  

“Ok” he says without giving her a second look, leaving her there.  

They don’t talk again that day, but she can hear Taylor speaking to Mark when they get in the car, asking for the other dressing room that they always get at the venues but never end up using, because it is always more fun to share.  

2016    

He moves his hand to the side slightly, searching blindly for the phone on his bedside table.9:00, again… Fuck, he’s not even opened his eyes and Taylor can already feel his head pounding from the headache that’s sure to follow him around all day.  

He gets dressed in silence and pours himself a coffee, and then another just killing time until 12 rolls around.  

T: I’m driving to your house right now, want to go for lunch? We can go to that place with vegan tacos, my treat.  

H: don’t really feel too well T, can I take a raincheck?  

T: please? I need to talk to you about something, and it can’t wait  

H: k, don’t want to drive, can you pick me up?  

T: sure ;)  

They drive to the restaurant with only the sound of the background music playing and he does a poor job of hiding the concerned side looks he gives Hayley every other minute or so.  

“Vegan fish Tacos and a ginger lemonade, ok with you?” Taylor asks watching her nod her head slowly in answer.  

They make small conversation that she barely follows just nodding along until He takes a big breath making her look up to see his face.  

“Hayley I…”  

“mm”  

Taylor takes another deep breath and extends his hand over the table to grab hers, giving it a light squeeze in reassurance, and when he’s about to pull back Hayley keeps him there, running her thumb over his palm softly, the action relaxing him a bit.  

“Just tell me T, it’s ok” she says quietly, staring at their hands to distract herself and soften the blow.  

“Hayles, if you want out, I’m not going to stop you” he tells her watching her eyes fill with sad tears.   

She turns her face to the side, not strong enough to look at him in this situation, and now is his thumb the one that’s softly drawing circles on her palm.  

“We can write music, or we cannot.” He makes a pause to give her a small smile  

“No one ever has to hear it; it can be just because. You just tell me what you need, and I’m going to support you. I’m your friend before anything, and that’s not ever going to change, ok?” Hayley turns her teary eyes to him then and Taylor can’t stop himself anymore, standing to go hold her tight until her bitter tears stop.  

“I’m really sorry T” Hayley says in between sobs with her face smush up on his chest.  

“Don’t be” Taylor tells her lightly brushing the tangled hair out of her face tenderly.  

2017    

“We love you; we love you, and we are Paramore!” Hayley shouts to the small crowd at the exit end. They’ve just played the first show back with Zac, and feel high on love and friendship, a night to remember for sure.  

The band makes their way to the small green room that’s already waiting for them filled with balloons and three champagne bottles with each of their names, thanks to Mark, and soon enough the drinks are flowing around. Taylor takes a minute to imprint the image Infront of him to memory, savoring this moment in his life.  

Zac's eyes crease at the corners with how big he’s smiling as he twirls around an equally happy Hayley, whose cheek are pink and lively, laughter echoing from the walls, tugging at something deep on his heart.  

“T!! Come here!” she yells from her spot pulling the two of them into a three-way hug that’s been a long time coming, they stay there for a while taking it all in, until Zac gives them one tight squeeze moving to the side to start popping the bottles for everyone, and as soon as he’s about to walk help Zac, Hayley throws herself to his arms with enough force that he stumbles a bit when he catches her. She holds on tight, so tight and Taylor can only return the gesture pulling her closer, getting lost in the feel of having her here with him and happy, he only snaps out of it when Hayley whispers quietly and only for him to hear, a small string of words that have his heart beating faster.  

“Thank you, thank you Taylor, don’t know what I'd ever do without you” she says getting chocked up and all he can think about is he needs to return the sentiment, because is one that goes both ways, “don’t know what I’d ever do without you Hayley” He tells her sweetly making her smile, “now c’mon, it’s time to go celebrate!”  

2018    

By eleven pm on December 31 the small party at his house is in full bloom, there’s loud music playing from his record player, drinking games taking place on the kitchen and lots of laughter all around, Taylor just feel Happy, only hoping that 2018 can bring more of this and less of all the other bad shit.  

He’s not seen her a ton tonight, but from the glimpses he’s caught, Hayley Seems to be having a great time dancing with Joey, taking polaroids with Zac and overall, just having fun with their friends. He’s so utterly content with the fact that tonight he’s seen some of her old self back that he’s not even worried about the mess he’ll be left with tomorrow, Taylor thinks that it’ll be absolutely worth it if he can watch her be this happy for one night.  

Looking down at his phone he sees that’s there’s only ten minutes left till midnight and decides to go out to the front porch for a quick smoke before they start the count down, the pause, is a much-needed break to reflect on the past year and steal some quiet time in the midst of his crowded house.  

Taylor’s just finished his cigarette when he hears the loud cheers from inside and the chorus of friends chanting “Happy new year” and a small smile tug at his lips at the thought of having all his favorite people together in one place, another loud cheer comes from the house and his best guess is that the firework show has started so he turns around to go back inside.  

To his surprise, she’s already leaning by the door with a drunken smile, looking like a dream in her short sparkly black dress, one that’ll surely haunt him for a while, her eyes are so green and tinted with a hint of something that screams careless decisions.    

“I was waiting for you inside” Hayley says slowly moving closer until she has completely invaded his space “but I think it works out better this way”  

He quirks up a brow in question and before he has time to process what she’s talking about; she drapes her arms around his neck, giving him a soft peck on the lips, pulling back quickly with eyes wide, leaving him stunned.  

“Happy new year T” she tells him sweetly, with a challenging smirk. His hesitation last only a second as he gives her a questioning look that’s met with a nod from Hayley, like she's granting him permission to do what’s  been on their minds for so long, and Taylor takes one calculated step forward, pushing her softly back into the wall behind her, with one hand firmly on her waist and the other deep on her hair caging her there, and drowning her surprise gasp with his lips on a much needier kiss, one that shouldn’t feel this good, shouldn’t feel as well practiced for two people that have never done this together before, but it does .  

They stay lost in each other until they run out of air and when he pulls back, his whole body is covered in goose bumps from the intensity of the moment. They stare at each other with big grins on both their faces and Taylor gives her one last sweet peck before moving his lips to her ear to whisper cheekily “Happy new year's Hayles”, feeling her shiver slightly at the words.  

They go back inside hand in hand, keeping them like that until they round the last corner, dropping them with a smile, and though they brush off the moment with the excuse that it was just a new year kiss meant for good luck, they both know it’s a lie and a bad one at that, since Hayley and Taylor end the night drunkenly stumbling to his bed, falling asleep cuddle up until the next day.   

2019    

Hayley’s mindlessly pouring herself a cup of tea when she feels two familiar arms hugging her from behind, making her lips turn up at the corners.  

“Morning my love” Taylor says kissing her on the cheek lightly  

“Morning T”  

“Do you have any hot water left?? I could use some coffee” he says, and she turns to give him a soft look nodding.  

They take their cups to the living room, turning on the fireplace seeking some warmth, the TV is on but mostly serves as background noise to their simple conversation about some sport docu series Taylor’s trying to convince her to watch.  

“I swear it’s not as boring as that movie you made us watch last week, and it’s even half as long!” He argues trying to make his case  

“Fine, but only cause I’m still sleepy” Hayley says getting more comfortable on the couch with her head on his shoulder and he immediately starts playing with her hair.  

Taylor presses play and the episode starts, they watch in comfortable silence, until He decides to voice a thought that’s been running through his mind for some weeks now.  

“Love”  

“Mm?”  

“Have you given it any thought?”  

Hayley sighs loudly, moving her head from his shoulder to give him an annoyed rolls of her eyes  

“Are we doing this again ?”  

“Just going to shoot my shot one last time, since the caffeine hasn’t kicked in your body yet and I might get better answer” Taylor says with a smirk  

“You know we won’t be back to recording for Paramore in a while... And you have already started with this Hayles, it’d be a shame to see this opportunity go to waste” he says in a soft voice “I truly believe it’d be an amazing chance for you, personally and musically” he tells her with eyes full of love “I won’t bring it up anymore, but just know that I'm here always, if you end up wanting to do it in the end”   

She takes a moment to think about what he’s saying, really think about it and damn him, because he’s right, so right that it’s hard for Hayley to come up with anything that can contradict what he’s just said.  

“Fine, let’s do it”   

“Really?”  

“Yeah, I think you might be right T, I need to do this” she says with an unconvinced grimace that takes over her face.  

“I'm really proud of you my Love” Taylor tells her dropping a kiss to her forehead, thinking that the conversation about it is over.  

“Good, because I need my producer to feel proud of me if we are gonna make anything worth listening” Hayley says catching him by surprise and rejoicing in the loud groan he gives in disapproval  

“No”  

“yes”  

“No”   

“YES, c’mon you can’t leave me hanging now that I’ve agreed to it”  

“let’s put a pin on it, ok?” Taylor tells her, knowing full well that she won’t let it go  

“Fine, but just want you to know, that there’s no getting away from this one” Hayley says with a grin that pulls a small, defeated smile from Taylor.  

2021    

Hayley walks through the door to an overly excited Alf, but no Taylor, that’s weird she thinks.    

The house is mostly quiet, save from the soft strumming of an acoustic guitar that’s coming from the garden.  

“Hey! you’re back” he tells her turning his head at the sound of her steps and she feels a lovely warmth spreading to her hear at the way his whole face lights up and the thought that although she technically lives alone, she’s come to expect, having him always at her house.  

“Yup, Loong day, what are you up to?”  

“Just practicing, you know I used to be a guitarist, but I think I forgot how to do that” he tells her trying to be funny, earning a light shove from her “I can’t get the chords for 26 right, and I was hoping to tackle that song before we go back into writing, so if we ever play a show again I can do it at a normal speed not slowed down like we had to for the tour”   

He’s always so hard on himself, yet Hayley cannot think of any other person that can pour so much emotion into music.  

“What if I help? It could be like band practice; I've missed those so much ” she says with puppy dog eyes making him smile.  

“Alright, but let’s go inside, it’s not so comfortable to play on the cold hard ground for two hours” Taylor says mindlessly, standing up as they make their way to the living room.  

“Two hours!? You've been going at it for two hours? Bet you we can get it right at the first try”  

“you’re that sure? Bet you we won’t get anything done, you’re too distracting and the kid doesn’t help” he says earning a big belly laugh from her, but he can see her reddening cheeks.  

They sit solemnly on the couch and Taylor suggest they record it so he can go back and catch any small mistakes he might need to correct.  

“Babe, you don’t even have to introduce it, you know what I mean”  

“you’re right”  

Man, you really know how... (wrong string)  

“I messed up any ways” Hayley tells him with a big smile  

“God Damit” he says clearing his throat  

(Wrong chord again )  

“I don’t know why but I knew that wasn’t getting through the first verse”  

And now Hayley can’t hold her grin, watching Taylor starting to give up, just messing with the guitar.  

“And he died”  

“I'm dying, I'm already dead but I'm dying”  

“I actually need to step away for a minute” Taylor says taking a small bathroom break since this is not going well already, he thinks back his comment and how he was just so right, there’s no way he’ll get anything done with Hayley around.  

When he comes back, she’s sat petting a boring looking Alf, who just wants them to be done so they can take him out for a walk.  

Everything was fine ( wrong chord again)  

“What do you think?”  

And now she’s full blown out laughing, because they are getting nothing done but Fuck if it isn’t fun to just do nothing with Taylor.  

Until you came around     

Five takes later and this one is going so good so far, but Alf decides he’s been patient enough and just starts barking to get the attention he rightfully deserves, making the room fill with laughter.  

“This is every day, Fuck Alf!” Hayleys says in fake annoyance and Taylor just gives up pulling her closer for a kiss that doesn’t last long because Alf has run out of all his patience, jumping on them to demand they take him out NOW.  

2023    

“Can you read it? I think I fucked it up” she says worriedly from his right side on the bed. Hayley’s done a small interview by herself and apparently said more than she should have.  

“Ok, give me the phone” he tells her wondering what in the hell could be so bad, and God! The possibilities are endless with Her, he thinks smiling to himself  

“Here”  

He scans through the words they’ve posted and doesn’t see anything to concerning, she’s talked about work, unwinding, edibles ( of course, probably what she was overthinking ) and them living together ( most likely the other source of her anxiety ), to be honest, all topics are carefully touched upon and she shouldn’t be too concern about anything  she’s said in his opinion, Taylor on the other hand, can’t stop staring at one word.  

“I think you’re fine, didn’t say anything untrue and also, is 2023, if you’re not having at least edibles to relax after the shit show that was 2020, then don’t know how you manage honestly” he says making her smile, and rest her head more comfortably on his chest  

“thanks” she tells him with a little giggle, dropping a small kiss to his heart  

“I wish you’d stop calling me your Partner though, I don’t like the word and is not enough for what we have” He starts, playing with the ends of her hair, “should’ve just said Taylor, they know anyways” he says nonchalantly and her green eyes go wide, but she tries to remain calm, controlling her breathing, because it doesn’t seem like he means more from it than what he’s saying.  

“So, you want me to call you my man friend then?” She says in a teasing voice making Taylor groan, “We’re too old for me to call you my boyfriend and... if you never ask then I don’t have many options T” Hayley says without even looking at him, smiling softly at the way her words make him tense and stop the hands on her hair.  

Maybe it’s not the time but she knows it’s been a while since he’s had that little blue box (sort of hidden?), yet he’s not said a word. She gets why though (she’s made her position about the topic pretty clear, and it stands, just not for Taylor) , maybe this could be a chance to talk about it again.  

“What?!” Taylor asks surprised, moving her so he can look at her face, because surely, she’s joking, there’s no way she’s saying what he thinks she’s saying.  

“Said, if you never ask, then I don’t have many options” she repeats slowly, watching his brown eyes grow wide.  

“Do you want me to ask? You know I've wanted to for a long time , but I didn’t think it was an option for us” he tells her honestly, filling her body with butterflies at the insight he’s sharing.  

"I wouldn't mind it if you did ask” Hayley says with a grin, and Taylor should’ve seen this coming, of course she would pull something like this, just out of the blue.  

“Well, would you say yes if I did ask?” he tells her slowly, hearing her take a deep breath but she answers immediately with a big smile on her face, and now he’s the one who feels his body filled with butterflies.  

“I would”   

“Then Maybe I will ask” he tells her with a goofy smile of his own  

“Ok”  

“Ok”  

 

So I crave, crave to do it again, all again  

Notes:

This is still to this day probably in my top 5 chapters, is one I adore and the one I imagine from the very first moment I started writing so I couldn't change a thing 💗

Chapter 24: Re: Liar

Summary:

“T, I asked what’s on your mind?” He blinks and then rolls his eyes at the knowing tone
“Nothing’s on my mind, I’m barely awake Z”
“You sure about that?”
That’s the thing about his best friend, for whatever reason, it’s always felt wrong to lie to him.
“Ugh, no, but before I tell you, you promise not to judge?”
It’s a pointless request to make, considering their entire friendship is made out deep trust, but it’s been so long since Taylor’s confided in anyone about his feelings for Hayley, so he feels the need to confirm before opening up.
Zac doesn’t seem to take offense though, folding his hands on his lap and indicating that he’s prepared to listen, understanding that it is a touchy subject, never mind if they are in a really good place now, so Taylor tells him everything.

Notes:

Is very early or very late depending on where you are, but i'm currently sipping my coffee and just couldn't wait any longer to post this chapter, finished it last night and I dare say this might be my new favorite which is a bold statement, but ughhh couldn't not do the new lyrics of liar, somehow they manage to make the song even more beautiful and gut wrenching <3
anyways, hope you enjoy this little piece,
- Love Emx

“Did you talk to Erica? The day after we had the party in Tokyo, I mean” This was not how she picture starting this conversation, but Beth had made a comment at dinner and Hayley couldn't for the life of her, let it go, in fact It was the thing that had pushed her to text him . 

He nods slowly. “We ran into each other outside the restaurant, when I was having a smoke” 

“And what did she say?” She asks slowly not wanting to believe that is true, because fuck that’s going to make all of this even harder. 

“She said… she said that we were approaching a point of no return and that I needed to put a stop to things between us if I had any doubts” he says in a calm voice that makes her want to punch something, because he can’t be so oblivious! 

“That was months ago Taylor! Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Because I didn’t have any doubts Hayley, but I’m guessing by the look on your face that you do” And maybe is the way he doesn’t miss a beat when he lets the words out so confidently, or maybe is just that she needs him to understand, either way, she feels light headed like she might pass out at any moment. 

“T, I don’t… I mean, I think… fuck, why is this so hard?” She mumbles running a hand through her hair in a stress manner  

 

Nashville- Los Angeles, April 2015     

It was cruel how slow time had been going during this last break.    

A month had never felt longer, and days were especially slow as he was back in Nashville.   

He’d spent a few weeks in Austin with his girlfriend, which had been alright, at least they had managed to keep the fights at bay until the very last day, when she’d brought up the topic of moving in together and once again, Taylor hadn’t given her an answer. His guitar sat perfectly organized by color, size, theme, all the categories his curly brain could come up with to distract himself, spending as much time on his studio messing with the railing as he could, but it’d only kept him busy for the first week, and after that it had just been torture to get back into his house without the ever changing routine of touring, the loud silence on his empty house echoing from the walls.     

The only one good thing was that, since properly getting more into the producing aspect of it all during the last album, and thanks being mentored directly by a legend like JMJ, he had learned quite a few tricks, so the bit of fun he’d had on their break was due to spending time in front of the computer messing with beats for hours on end that he couldn’t wait to show her writing partner, however, since the unexpected mind blowing surprise of their grammy win, he could sense that things were different? The last rehearsal for the end of tour had suggested as much, Jeremy was ever moody those three days, and they hadn’t even gotten to celebrate the milestone not wanting to start anything, so for now he was keeping the ideas for a new album to himself, not wanting to add to the tension he could feel building up with the comments of wanting to take on more responsibilities, well at least not until he could have a proper talk with Hayley.   

All and all, he was ready to get back on the stage, done with the quiet that let his imagination run wild, he wanted loud, missed the adrenaline rush of playing a show, plus the thought of sharing his new found pass time with her made him incredibly giddy, because even if they weren’t seeing eye to eye as of late, Taylor knew that she would be excited , that the mere mention of new music would get him a peek of,  her glimmering green eyes shining with ideas, and he really couldn’t wait for that, even if there was an intrusive voice in the back of his mind that kept reminding him that the excitement should be due to them working on the music and not about the thought of getting a glimpse of his lovely bandmate bouncing up and down in eagerness.   

Xxxxx   

It was a Wednesday and he’d been running around tying lose ends before he had to leave Nashville the next day, his takeout dinner had been less than impressive, and Taylor made a mental note to never order from that place again, it felt like another reminder that at least it was the last one, that this time tomorrow, he’d be back on the road, getting to see everyone again and doing what he loved most, just a few more hours, he could wait , just some more hours and he wouldn’t have to wish time away on his empty house...   

After eating, he goes straight to get his suitcase so he can start the excruciating  process that is packing for a month away on tour, and Taylor laughs to himself thinking of how much shit she would give him at the sight of his almost all black wardrobe, the whole scene being soundtracked by Alt-J, the faint sound of Matilda playing from the speakers enough to bring back memories of European crowds and the intimate moments with his acoustic guitar, something that always makes it feel like is just the two of them on stage. He’s rolling up a pair of black pants, quietly humming to himself when the music gets interrupted by a call, the speaker blasting the cure, letting him know who it is without even having to look at the caller ID, lips curving up in a smile without his permission at the realization that she’s maybe also thinking of him, so his thumb presses the green on the screen eagerly, the familiar voice filling the room with warmth not a fraction of a second later    

"Hey T"   

Does a light show up on my face?  
Does it feel right in the wrong way?  

"Hi Hayles, having fun?" he asks, feeling the way the apple of his cheek goes up in a dumb smile just from hearing her on the phone, there’s a lot of background noise, probably a party, and his brain does remember her saying something about flying to LA before tour to attend a label thing with Brian?, so he’s genuinely curious as to why she might be calling on a night out, especially since they are meeting again the next day.    

"Erm" The singer hesitates dramatically before answering "A bit, yeah"   

"Sure, sounds like a bit of fun" He replies sarcastically, making her giggle   

"Far less than it would be if you were here” she tells him, the pout in her voice deathly to his heart, because the heavy longing doesn’t help his case at all, and Taylor curses himself on his mind for even thinking about her that way.... “There’s a bunch of celebrities here and I miss taking a piss at them with you, some people are wildly inappropriate, you’d be laughing so much at the conversation I had with Pete, he asked about you T, said we should hang some time again with the rest of the fall out boy crew, for old time sake you know?”   

“We should, maybe we can catch one of their concerts on our out time off, that sound, ok?” He tells her with a chuckle, his curly brain doing back flips to come up with a friendly reason as to why she’d felt the pressing need to call him and say all of this so urgently, when they were seeing each other the next day, all the possible reasons adding to his troubles...   

Hayley smiles to herself on the other line at the sound of Taylor laughing, the longing to be in the same room again quite strong, and seemingly coming out of nowhere "It does...remind me again why you aren’t here now? I know for a fact that Mark offered to fly you out to LA for the label party" She lets out without really thinking it through, only after, realizing that she’s coming off a bit needy   

He sighs at the question, biting his tongue not to spill the real reason of needing some space to get over his little crush, that after their heart felt call about their grammy win, he’s felt something shift and not for the better, as if the milestone had put things into perspective "Because I hate the crowds and just got back from Austin, I need to move the dust around my house from time to time Hayles, maybe that way it can remember someone actually lives here”   

"I think if it weren’t for the key that works, your house wouldn’t recognize you" She quips with an immense smile on her face at the thought “same as mine T, most days is an empty house full of silence” She sighs, thinking about why, she’d wanted to fleet out of there even earlier than when tour started...   

"Yeah, no" He says, quick to disagree, shaking his head profusely as if she were there to see him "That can’t be true, there’s no way you can stay quiet for more than say... a minute?"   

"Idiot" she mumbles under her breath in fondness, as Taylor takes the phone away from his ear and puts it on speaker, placing it on the bed as he continues packing the domesticity of it all, oddly comforting "Is the party you are at that boring, that you felt the need to pester me while I pack?" He teases, picturing the way her cheeks have probably gone pink at the call out   

Hayley groans loudly on the other side "Two more days is too long, I can't wait to see you, feel so abnormal when I’m not around you guys, miss talking to you about the dumbest shit until late in the night" She answers mindlessly, not wanting to pause on the fact that actually, she’s mostly just missed her curly haired partner in crime, that this type of spontaneous calls, only happen with him.     

Taylor fully melts then, because as much he tries to deny it to himself, truth is, it’d had been excruciating to be away from her the past two months, especially since he kept thinking about her snarky little comments sprinkle here and there, or the way she would now always lean on him for support as she doubled over in laughter about nothing in particular, he missed her loads, and  it was a horrible thing to realize just how important she had become to his everyday life, so he was doing his best to play it down as much as possible, because that was a dangerous train of thought that he couldn’t and wouldn’t get into.   

"Okay but you should be more excited about the last bit of tour rather than me coming Hayles, we can talk all the time, we’re doing it right now, and you know where I live”   

"Well, I'm never in Nashville anymore, plus you’re coming to play said tour with me, so it's basically the same thing" Hayley defends poorly, because in reality she really wasn't able to point out which of those two things she was most excited about.   

Taylor could only shake his head and smile to himself at the words, because it was the same excitement, he felt about seeing her again, they hadn’t even celebrated their big win yet, life always getting in the way..."You're funny, I’ll give you that"   

"'Course I am, that’s why we’re friends" Hayley chatted back with an almost offended tone   

That's why we’re friends...     

What if I loved you and never said it?  
Hide the emotion under the bed  

"It wasn't necessarily literal" He mocks, in an attempt to distract himself from the thoughts going wild inside his mind   

“Sure, it wasn’t T” She counters quickly, just as there’s a loud bang on her side of the line, so Taylor is quick to question, tone dripping with amusement "What did you break?"   

Her insides twist in a knot at the knowing smirk she can hear even through the phone and Hayley rolls her eyes at the feeling, something that comes from the slight undertone she hopes she could miss, the ever present ‘I know you’ that more often than not sends warmth to her heart, so she goes for a sassy reply instead, trying push it all away "Nothing, just dropped a pair of sunglasses, but don’t worry they were inside the case, see I do listen to you from time to time" She answers before he has time to scold her, kinda hoping that maybe this feeling can be mutual, that for him, some comments can also send a distinctive comfort of, being known so well     

“Good to know, you ready for the last bit of tour punky?” He asks, hiding his grin over his glass of water not wanting to give away his own excitement, or how giddy he already feels   

“So ready, I can’t wait to hear what you’ve been working on" Hayley tells him with a loopy smile on her face, picturing his confused brows. It was obvious that he’d been glued to the computer during their break, it was the only possible reason for the monosyllables to the texts she’d sent, and in some part of her brain, she loved the dismissals because it meant, he’d been that inspired.   

"Stop, how can you know I’ve been working on music? Haven't told you anything, are you spying on me?"   

“You never ignore my texts unless you are inspired” she answers honestly, the words knocking the wind out of his lungs from the realization that contrary to his many sleepless nights wondering this very same thing, Hayley does notice him, more than she lets on.      

So, he sighs onto the phone, his conflicting feelings getting the best of him as Taylor lets himself indulge in this little moment that is just theirs "Why isn't teleporting a thing yet?"   

Hayley snorts in laughter at that, wishing nothing more than for it to be true "It would make it all so much easier, wouldn't it?"   

“It would” He agrees, humming in defeat, reading one and a million meanings for that innocent string of words from Hayley,   

I miss you     

Wish you were here     

Can't wait to see you     

Is not the same without you     

But then like always, he tucks those thoughts on the back of his mind and throws the key far over a cliff, because more trouble is not what they need, and he knows oh he just knows that those feelings would only drag them down, that it would be a mess of proportions, so he goes for the generic answer instead, the one that is now so well practiced it comes out less and less fake each time he utters the friendly good bye to her, biting his tongue not too say what he really is thinking...   

“I'll see you soon Hayles”   

“See you soon T”   

   

Nashville, December 2016     

Hayley steps inside the studio before the sky begins to weep, pelting the pavement with fat, wet drops. She rolls her shoulders and heads inside quickly, before the sight of the dark building makes her do a double take, looking down at her phone to check the time, confirming that it is past ten, that’s weird she thinks, surely the guys would’ve texted her if the day had been cancelled, because there’s just no way she’s the first one there, so she steps on the hall tentatively, unlocking the door with her key, but before she can open it all the way, she hears a commotion behind her, making her turn in that direction.   

“Oh, fuck right off, stupid fucking door” a raspy voice curses making her look behind her, towards the lobby entrance, a smile taking over her face when she realizes that is Taylor, completely drenched and carrying a large box that he cannot, for the life of him, see over.     

“Morning” she says to catch his attention, walking over to hold open the entrance door so he can fit through with less difficulty “Did someone die or something?”     

He looks up at her, with brows furrowing and lips parting “You’re meant to be upstairs”   

“Am I now?” she answers, with a raised brow and a teasing smirk    

“Yes, get out of here!” Taylor says shooing her, with a hand on her shoulder   

“Don’t need any help?”    

“No, I wasn’t even here” He demands glaring at her figure leaning on the door "Gods, Zac had one job”    

“To be fair I was sort of early for the first time this year”   

“Up!” He demands, looking away from her and she burst out laughing but follows through   

“Alright, alright I’m coming”    

Hayley smiles to herself as he keeps on swearing under his breath while they starts to climb the stairs, quiet giggles scaping her with each step, until she gets to the recording room, she untangles her mess of keys, undoing the lock, opening the door to a pitch-black room, and she rolls her eyes having just now caught what’s happening, knowing that Zac’s probably somewhere smushed up on a corner waiting impatiently, so she swings the door open completely and peels off her coat before switching the lights back on, so they can yell surprise in their high pitched excited voices.   

“Happy birthday Sponge!” Zac’s voice calls out from the far-right wall, holding up a single chocolate cupcake and a lighter as he walks the short distance to the entrance followed by JMJ and Carlos that wear similar grins, also carrying a cupcake each, and her eyes go wide at the sight, finally putting two and two together when her favorite drummer pulls her into a tight hug, that feels like coming home      

“You guys did this all for me?” she asks quietly   

“Actually, it was all Taylor’s idea” Carlos tells her with a soft smile “you’ve been awfully quiet this week, but we couldn’t let you get away with playing down your birthday, is not every day you turn twenty-eight Miss Williams” he says, wrapping his arms around her to greet her properly   

“Thank you” she whispers quietly, moving to embrace JMJ too, feeling the beginning of tears on her eyes and trying hard to push them back, not wanting to spoil this lovely surprise that’s meant to be making her smile on their studio day, not bringing her tears    

“Happy birthday Hayley” her friend and producer echoes, giving her a firm squeeze, and somehow the moment reeks of nostalgia , mind briefly recounting the year just gone and what and awful nightmare it had felt to start twenty-seven as the ground crumbled underneath her feet once again; she thinks of the people who managed to turn it around, about her mom, her  grandparents, her friends, about Zac who had done all he could to mend things between them, giving her back one of her closest friends, and...   

Taylor finally enters the room looking more disheveled than he did downstairs and he places the soaking wet box on the floor, before taking off his coat and meeting her eyes, smiling in the way that’s only reserved for her    

Gods, why did he have to look at her like that      

Because however cliche it may sound, it was Taylor who had brought back color into her life after months of darkness, had stuck through hell and back with her never once asking for something in return, had made her feel with his gorgeous music, when there wasn’t much that could get her pulse to quicken, had made her question herself in ways she’d been afraid to for so long, had taught her things that would’ve been hard to comprehend before this past year, and yet  at the same time, she had no way to articulate in words how every time she simply looked at him now, Hayley instantly felt a lull of calmness wash over her bones.    

She knew something had shifted between them, about the looks they gave each other but now didn’t try to hide, about the comfort that she always felt whenever they were in each other’s company about the added depth of their bond, he was her person now, Taylor was her person.     

Would all the energy I waste  
Be better shared with you?  

“I am never organizing anything with you again” The curly haired man huffs in annoyance pointing his finger at Zac who looks rightfully guilty, and Carlos lets out a hearty laugh while JMJ just smiles at the pair   

“Hey, hey” Hayley says trying to calm his fury, wrapping her arm around his waist when he comes to stand by her side, the urge to kiss the side of his neck when he pulls her closer overwhelming especially when the smell of him invades all her senses making her cheeks ache from smiling "It's alright, I saw nothing. Don’t murder my little brother, just got him back”    

Taylor narrows his eyes at Zac, before deciding she’s right, looking down at her lovingly and giving her a sweet smile “Hey, Hayles” he whispers quietly almost apologetic, and her heart stammers on her chest right then in the middle of the studio "Sorry I was rude downstairs, this was meant to be a surprise, I told Z to make sure you wouldn't be here until it was all set”   

“It’s alright, I was surprised, didn’t expect anything today, thank you. It’s perfect” she whispers back, watching his eyes flicker down to her lips and back up again almost as if he can control it, so she gives his hip a playful pinch to distract them both   

Boundaries, Taylor's your friend and you’ve got enough messes as it is     

Hayley tells herself in her mind, the words like a mantra that she keeps repeating more and more often as of late, so she pulls away, disentangling from his side not wanting to make it weird, thanks to her not trustworthy brain...   

“Hope you have all warmed up those pipes” Zac says mockingly, sliding over the room, lighting the candles on each one of the cupcakes the guys are holding, handing one to Taylor who accepts it with a nod, as they all line up to serenade her with a soft and very cheesy rendition of Happy birthday, the moment so heartwarming, that her cheeks gather a few happy tears she just can’t hold back anymore   

“Happy birthday sponge bob” her oldest friends says after she’s blown all the candles keeping the wish to herself while they clap and cheer for her, and she doesn’t have to turn to know that he’s grinning, brown eyes so warm and welcoming always, that is really hard to stop herself from turning to the left every other minute, like when Carlos pops open a bottle of Champagne at ten am in the morning, sliding over a flute for her to take “Happy birthday Hayley” he tells her and clinks his glass against her, but all can focus on is the feel of Taylor’s eyes on her “Treat, for my birthday” she tells him, pouting a little bit making him smile, at the thought of not having to watch out for drunken Hayley, the new alter ego birthed this year.   

“Good, you deserve it” he answers, putting a hand on her back as he leans over to accept his own glass from Carlos, the faint touch sending electricity trailing down her spine and up his arm “Can I also tempt you with a birthday smoke?”    

Hayley gives him a look as to say, ‘go for it, let’s go out now, you brought this on yourself’ and he rolls his eyes, hating that she’s right but his mind is set , he already hates himself enough for having agreed to light her first cigarette, so if she won’t stop out of stubbornness or just to mess with him, then he will, and since she can’t even light them by herself, she’ll have to stop by default.     

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I didn’t mean it, so ignore me, withdrawal is hitting me harder than I anticipated” He grumbles under his breath, tapping his glass against hers, and making a round, the small gathering of people erupting in cheers!       

Xxxxx   

“I’m really happy I got to share today with you” Zac whispers when he comes to stand next to her on the wall sometime later. His arm goes around her shoulder and he squeeze her tight, enjoying that he gets to do so now “I wasn’t sure you’d want to celebrate” he tells her gently “ I know the year’s not been great but when T suggested it, this felt like something nice for all of us, hope it’s felt that way for you too. I always got a chocolate cupcake on the twenty-seven you know? So I'm really glad that after six years you finally got to blow the candle ” he says a bit choked up dropping a kiss to her hair and the lump in her throat is heavy with the same emotion, so she tugs on his wrist leaning into the embrace of her oldest friend.   

They stay like that for a long while just taking it all in, until he notices she’s gone quiet and Zac follows her eyes to where Taylor is, now sitting alone with his empty champagne flute, most likely staring off into space, a small smile tugging on his lips “Go, I have to get back, the guys are waiting for me”   

Hayley nods a bit embarrased, giving Zac’s wrist one last squeeze before making her way to the other side, hoping to get a few minutes alone to maybe attempt to express how much this whole gesture means to her, because he never stops, never lets her out his thoughts, never lets her deal alone, but then when she’s closer, she has to pause for a moment, the day and past year hitting her like a ton of bricks...   

The rest of the guys have gone back to the other room of the studio so Zac can track the last bits of drums for the album, and when she goes looking for him, Taylor’s on the balcony, looking out at the city deep inside his mind. He turns his head at the sound of the glass sliding door but doesn’t meet her eyes, not even when she slides up next to him on the railing, so she wraps her fingers around his arm leaning her head on his shoulder sighing in contentment at the touch, something Taylor’s also been waiting for, hoping to get some privacy, even for five minute to just be the two of them.     

“Thank you, T,” she tells him quietly, still looking ahead not meeting his eyes “I was dreading today, but you made it really especial, I...I don’t know what I’d ever do without you”   

“Good think you’ll never have to find out right?” He assures her, dropping his head on top of hers, pulling her close   

“Excellent” she whispers back quietly, as they stay outside a bit longer just relishing in the silence   

“You know” he starts, turning to his side to watch how the lights from inside reflect and flicker on her face “A birthday’s not done till you’ve opened some presents”    

She smiles at him then, rolling her eyes playfully “C’mon, let’s see what twenty-eight has afforded you” Taylor says, extending a hand to pull her with him, a grin on his face as she tries to protest “told you, you didn’t need to get me anything! this was more than enough”    

“Nonsense, of course I had to get you something, I just hope you like it” he tells her, guiding them to the table where the big box he was carrying earlier is lying flat and a bit wet “You never said anything, but I could tell you did enjoy it, so...” He finishes, presenting the gift for her to take    

“What is it?”   

She questions curiously, but he can’t answer, not when his heart too full of emotions to say anything, the weight of how the year had unfolded seemingly hitting him all at once too, so he just steps aside to let her open the box, watching attentively how her green eyes go wide in recognition, the glimmer he’s been trying to bring back the past few months, plain and clear   

“YOU GOT ME A JUNO?!!”    

“Well, you had so much fun playing with mine while we were writing, so I just thought...I...”   

“Oh Taylor! I love it, thank you! Thank you!” she says, tackling him in a bear hug, that he’s got no problem reciprocating, the unspoken words of how it been that very instrument what had helped bring back some of her old self, hanging in the air tangled up with all the rest of emotions filling the room, so he squeezes her harder, savoring the moment, inprinting the genuine happiness in her eyes to memory.    

“Happy Birthday Hayles”  

   

Melbourne, February 2018     

“You seem distracted”   

Taylor turns sharply to his right to find Zac’s dark introspective eyes appraising him with interest, and the frown line between his brows softens as he takes him in.   

They’re in the hotel restaurant, attempting to have breakfast before heading to soundcheck the first venue of this leg of tour, having landed in Australia late in the night, the company comforting for them both; even if the need for it is comes from entirely different reasons.   

For Taylor, it’s the constants running circles that don’t stop on his mind making him dizzy with thoughts of Hayley, not knowing really were they stand, but being too afraid to ask for fear of ruining the happiest he’s felt in God knows when, For Zac though, the company is part of his constant checkups, on the new developments of his two best friends situationship, because as much as he lovesss that they finally took the leap, is hard to let go of the constant fear of expecting the worse, and last thing he wants is for it to go sour, so he’s been carefully observing from a distance...   

The young drummer had never felt as helpless as he did in those six years, he lived without Taylor and Hayley and he’s got no intention of history ever repeating itself, so he’s doing his best to exercise the new level of trust, they have work so hard to build back, which has only grown over their year of touring.   

Zac had been the first one who supported them taking a chance on a relationship, he’d encouraged it fearlessly; made him feel like he was running towards something worth risking it all for, rather than the pessimistic view Taylor used to have about his feelings for Hayley, and it made it that much easier to open up to him over the years, and to now sit with him in companionable silence, with a coffee and lots of questions.   

“T, I asked what’s on your mind?”   

He blinks and then rolls his eyes at the knowing tone   

“Nothing’s on my mind, I’m barely awake Z”   

“You sure about that?”   

That’s the thing about his best friend, for whatever reason, it’s always felt wrong to lie to him.   

“Ugh, no, but before I tell you, you promise not to judge?”   

It’s a pointless request to make, considering their entire friendship is made out deep trust, but it’s been so long since Taylor’s confided in anyone about his feelings for Hayley, so he feels the need to confirm before opening up.   

Zac doesn’t seem to take offense though, folding his hands on his lap and indicating that he’s prepared to listen, understanding that it is a touchy subject, never mind if they are in a really good place now, so Taylor tells him everything.     

Starting from the moment he first thought of her as anything more than a friend all those years back, to his incredible self-restrain towards her, the years that followed, to the way he’d giving up on hope all together, ending with his most recent decision to go along with something casual, even if casual was the last thing he wanted with her, already too in love with her not to start picturing his whole future now that he knew she felt the same.   

Zac remains completely focused on his curly-haired best friend, but at times his gaze wavers somewhere above his head, a warm expression taking over his face, at the words.   

When Taylor finishes talking, there’s a long stretch of silence but he doesn’t mind. For the first time in forever, he feels unburdened in a way that's hard to explain, the past insistence of his mind reminding him every day, that nothing will ever happen between him and Hayley, leaving him mentally and emotionally exhausted.   

There has been no one else he’s trusted with this information, his pride preventing him from opening up to Justin given his concerns about Hayley hurting him if they weren’t careful, so, no matter what Zac’s reaction and advice might be, at least he’s finally gotten it all off his chest.   

“You’re going to have to talk to her”   

“I thought you might say that”   

The idea of confronting Hayley with all of this makes his stomach churn with nerves, so he gazes down at the ground, finding a sudden interest in the small black and white colored tiles at his feet.   

“I had feelings for someone once and went along with things that didn’t feel right to me” Zac’s words intriguing enough to make him look at him again, “and I didn’t tell her how I really felt for her, played it down in all the ways that counted, cause I thought that was what she wanted”   

All these years, he's never mentioned being deeply in love with anyone, but he’s always held out hope that his best friend would find that kind of love, the all-consuming kind he’s always felt for a certain blonde     

“So, she married someone else”   

Taylor is intimately acquainted with the shift of expressions on Zac’s face, which is the only reason he can see the regret he’s trying so hard to conceal and is enough to reach forward and place a hand on his back in comfort, his eyes flickering down to his lap for a moment and then back up to his face.   

“I know you think you don’t deserve happiness like that, T, or all-consuming, lazy Sunday kind of love for that matter, but you do Taylor”   

He’s not expecting his words or the rush of emotion that accompanies them, so he takes a sharp intake of air that burns his lungs   

“We all do T, you two more than anyone I know” he adds with eyes soft, because some things just need to be said once and for all.   

“But it’s more than that Z, this isn’t about me, it’s about all she’s been through and making sure she knows that she can trust me, that I wouldn’t ever hurt her, not the way he did, I could never ”   

Zac pats his back lovingly, looking at him with eyes clear and sincere “And how is that not all consuming, lazy Sunday kind of love?”   

As if to prove his words, Taylor’s heart tightens unexpectedly, and he swallows thickly, mind suddenly reeling.   

He’d known after the whole mess of twenty sixteen that their relationship could never be platonic again, at least not on his end, but does she also love him in that kind of way?   

She’s only just started to accept she’s got feelings for him, but love? Could it be that Hayley also loves him in a ‘want you forever’ kind of way?   

The very thought makes his palms sweat and his pulse quicken.   

   

I'm getting good at giving alibis  
Imagination runs wild  
No fear and self-doubt  
Heart beating in my mouth  

Now every time I catch my line  
I want to set it free  

   

Los Angeles, August 2023     

“Has anyone seen my new hat?”   

Zac’s voice calls, a bit panicked, and Hayley shares a look with Taylor as she throws open the passenger door of the car that has the child lock on, thanks to Alf figuring it up how to work the windows and them freaking out over their dog’s clever tricks.    

There’s a frantic sound of zippers coming from the back seat as their favorite drummer empties the contents of his bags in a frenzy, so she shakes her head and tucks her sunglasses into her hair deciding to get on the passenger seat to go help, and Taylor looks past her, hooking a finger into the belt loop of her jean shorts to pull her close, planting a brief, hard kiss on her mouth before he lets her go.   

Their brief PDA it's over before she can even register her own surprise, but she's pretty sure they're both wearing the same shit-eating grin and he winks playfully from driver's side.   

“Seriously guys" Zac calls again, "It was a gift from Kayla. She’s expecting pictures of me  in this hat , she’s gonna kill me if I lose it like I lost the socks...”   

Still smiling, Hayley does a final check of her own belongings since they’ve all come from the studio and is not rare that she grabs stuff that’s laying around because the guys more often than not forget a lot of shit behind “I thought you packed it already”   

“I thought so too, but it’s not here” He scrambles around the back of the car since he’s been riding with them lately, his own car getting a few fixes “Did I leave it on the seat? Remember I was showing it to you yesterday?”   

“Mhmm” she says absentmindedly “Maybe it fell between the seat cushions?”   

Zac grunts for a few seconds, in the quiet car moving his arm around, followed by a loud shriek “Aha! I knew it, th- AAAHHHG.  What is this?! ”   

Hayley and Taylor turn around at the same time to see what’s made their friend’s voice jump several octaves and she's ready to tease him about what a mess he's made, but when she sees what he's pointing at it feels like all the breath's been knocked from her lungs.   

A very familiar, very lace black pair of knickers lies now in all its glory on the back seat next to Zac, whose jaw may as well be on the floor, eyes wide in horror. From where she sits, Hayley can make out all the fabric missing on the piece of garment to cover decently, the very thing that’d made her grin when she tried them on in the store, back in New York with Lindsey   

Fuck.     

She starts to look over at Taylor, but then thinks better of it and refocuses on Zac, just hoping and wishing that the earth would take pity on them and just swallowed them whole already!   

“How the hell did you, YOU out of all people snatch those?” she accuses, hoping the heat rising in her cheeks will be mistaken for anger, or maybe that they can treat the moment as three adults, scolding herself in her mind for being this careless and causing this painfully awkward conversation between the three, because until this moment, she hadn't even realized the panties were missing, and yeah, maybe their usual caution had somewhat gone out the window when they decided to take advantage of the backseat of Taylor’s car just a few nights ago, but really how is it that every time Zac ends up making them feel like her and Taylor are teenagers fooling around as opposed to committed grown up adults that have been in a serious relationship for nearly five years   

“Z” Taylor says with cheeks red as a tomato, sinking further and further onto his seat, not making eye contact, not wanting to see the teasing smirk covering his best friend’s face “can we please just let it go?”   

Hayley bites her lip turning a similar shade of red but lifts her chin up defiantly “Yes, let’s forget it, we don’t have to explain ourselves, right? we are adults, we don’t have to make it a thing”   

“You made it a thing, when you left this poor excuse of underwear lying around unsupervised H”    

Well     

Hayley does chance a peek at Taylor for help on this one, because this is also mostly his fault, but he only shakes his head in disapproval, extending a hand, done with the teasing “Alright, enough, hand them over, and let’s get out of here”   

Zac makes a face of horror “ You  get them! I’m not touching it” He says, looking between the two “Sorry”   

“Why are you apologizing to me?” She asks, unable to contain a nervous chuckle from the absurdity of the whole thing   

“Well, you know. That you have to wear those dental floss things, I mean I’m sure they look nice on you, I'm sure T was thrilled! I mean– no, not– ugh” He puts his face in his hands to stop his rambling, and she just can’t hold it in anymore, laughing out loud at her friend’s distress “You know what I meant” he says in defeat, and she reaches back to pats his knee, while Zac refuses to make eye contact, face still covered, so she grabs her underwear and shoves it at the bottom of her bag to finally put an end to this excruciating moment.    

“What the hell, T!” Zac grumbles from the back "I thought you had some manners at least, why would you let me ride on your car if there was a risk of permeant scars on my brain?!”   

Taylor leans over to the passenger side to open the front door, brushing Hayley’s arm in the process and giving her a wink “I’d say I'm sorry but...”   

“OMG TAYLOR!”   

 

And, oh, my love, I lied to you  
But I never needed to  
Oh, my love, I lied to you  
But you always knew the truth  

   

Notes:

Again, I literally had just posted this chapter when they decided to drop the song explorer ep about the song and yet I still love this one too much to edit it.
Thanks so much to anyone that read, and was nice enough to give me a second chance.
Much Love Em x

Chapter 25: Disappearing man

Summary:

“I had to talk to you.”
The words fell like a stone in still water. Hayley didn’t flinch. But something in her posture changed, not enough to open the door again, but enough to listen.
And that… was where it began.
Not with forgiveness.
Not even with an apology.
Just with two people standing in the quiet wreckage of what they used to be, trying to find enough air to speak again.
He swallowed, the motion catching in a throat gone suddenly dry. The house felt too small, the air dense enough to press against his chest, each breath coming a little too shallow. Somewhere behind them, the refrigerator hummed its low, steady song, and a leaky faucet dripped in slow, measured beats that seemed painfully loud in the silence.
“I had to talk to you,” The curly haired man repeated. This time his voice came out rougher, hoarse around the edges, like the words had scraped his throat raw on the way out.

Notes:

Hey lovies :)
I thought this book was very much done but H had other plans...guess the songs had other plans.
Sorry for not answering my comments lately, August was a busy month for me and i'm only just getting back into things, happy to go read all that amazing work that's been posted (super excited about it actually!)
Hope you are all doing good,
Love, Em x
Ps. First chapter of the third part on this book huh?, guess this time I'll go a little out of order though ;)
Ps2. slightly inspired by a supposed sighting of these two in franklin???

September 2025

The rain had thinned by the time Taylor reached her new house, but it hadn’t stopped. It clung to him, a cold, misty sort of drizzle that wasn’t dramatic enough to make a scene, but relentless enough to soak through. His hoodie stuck to his shoulders, heavy with damp. His curls flattened to his forehead. The city, for once, had quieted. A few cars whispered down the street, the occasional hum of a bike in the distance, but otherwise — nothing. Just him, the hour, and the door in front of him. 

He stood there longer than he meant to, hands shoved deep into his pockets, shifting his weight like maybe movement would give him courage. He rehearsed it all in his head. What he would say. What he had to say. 

But every version felt wrong. Too small. Too late. 

Still, he raised a hand. Knocked. And waited. 

For a long time, nothing happened. He half-considered walking away, unsure if he wanted to be relieved or wrecked if she didn’t open the door. But then — 

The handle turned. 

The door cracked open with a soft click, and then there she was, blinking at him, wrapped in a loose sweatshirt and sleep-soft eyes, the light from behind her catching the curve of her face. Hayley didn’t speak. Not right away. Neither did he. 

She just stared. 

The curly haired man’s breath caught in his chest like it didn’t know what to do anymore. The last time he saw Hayley just hours ago, she’d been walking away. But now, she wasn’t moving. But she also wasn’t reaching for him. 

Finally, the tiny blonde spoke. Quiet. Flat.  

“It’s late.” 

Taylor swallowed, the words sinking into him like a stone. He nodded once. “I know.” 

More silence. The hallway light above him buzzed faintly, catching raindrops still clinging to his hair, his lashes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. Like the weight of the whole break, the whole year, had collapsed onto his shoulders all at once. 

He didn’t ask to come in. 

Hayley stared at him another second, maybe out of disbelief, maybe just to be sure he was real and then she stepped aside. 

Taylor passed her lowly. The warmth of her new house hits him like a wave: soft lamplight, quiet stillness, the faint scent of something herbal — tea, maybe. Or soap. Something unmistakably, Hayley. He tried not to inhale too deeply, but God, he missed this. Missed her in every quiet, invisible way someone could. 

The tiny blonde closed the door behind him, arms crossed over her chest now. Guarded. Rightfully so. 

The curly haired man stood awkwardly by the threshold, dripping faintly onto the mat, not knowing where to go, what to touch, how to be here. She didn’t offer him a towel. Not yet. She didn’t move to sit. This wasn’t familiar. This was unfamiliar ground on land he used to know like the back of his hand. 

He turned toward her finally, eyes flicking over her pretty face. The tiny blonde looked tired. Not makeup-tired. Not show-night-tired. Heart-tired. 

And even though the silence stretched too long, neither of them rushed to break it. 

Hayley let out a slow breath, something unreadable flickering through her eyes. Pain, maybe. Frustration. She turned slightly, enough to walk past him toward the kitchen, leaving a trail of silence in her wake. 

And Taylor just stood there, damp, aching, hollowed out, wondering if there was still a version of this night that wouldn’t end with him more shattered than he already was. 

Hayley walked, wordless, disappearing down the hallway. He didn’t call after her. He wasn’t sure he had the right to anymore. 

He glanced around the space — not intrusively, just… searching. For something. A trace of the version of his lover that used to laugh into his neck. The version of himself that hadn’t ruined it all. 

Books lined the wall in uneven stacks. A candle flickered low on the coffee table. One of his old hoodies, the one she used to steal and never give back, was slung over the back of a chair. That detail hit him harder than it should have. 

When she returned, her expression hadn’t changed — still quiet, still guarded.  She held out a towel and then grabbed that same hoodie. 

His hoodie. 

Taylor looked at it for a moment, something unreadable flickering in his eyes, before taking both from her. His fingers brushed Hayley’s in the handoff — a brief touch, barely anything — but it jolted through him like a memory. 

She just nodded toward the hallway. “Bathroom’s down there.” 

He disappeared for a few minutes, long enough to dry off, to change, to look in the mirror and almost not recognize the person staring back. 

When he returned, he stood there in the middle of her living room, wearing the hoodie and looked, finally, like someone entirely human. Not a grammy award musician. Not the life of the band they’d built together since they were kids. Just Taylor. 

Just the man who had said the wrong things and let the right one walk away. 

Hayley hadn’t moved. Still standing by the counter, arms crossed, as if they were the only thing holding her together. Her eyes flicked to him — to the still damp curls, the hoodie that hung a little looser now, the water-darkened hem of his jeans — and then away. 

He didn’t speak. She didn’t ask. 

For a long stretch of seconds, the house was still. Franklin was quiet outside, a soft rain still tapping faintly against the window, as if trying to fill the space neither of them could. 

He looked around again, slower this time. Noticing the things he hadn’t before. The small comforts of her new life — a folded blanket, a half-finished book, a ceramic mug by the sink. Home, but without him. 

And it hit him, slowly and all at once, how far he'd fallen out of the picture. How much he’d lost without even realizing when it happened. 

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Rubbed the back of his neck. Then, softly: 

“I had to talk to you.” 

The words fell like a stone in still water. Hayley didn’t flinch. But something in her posture changed, not enough to open the door again, but enough to listen. 

And that… was where it began. 

Not with forgiveness. 

Not even with an apology. 

Just with two people standing in the quiet wreckage of what they used to be, trying to find enough air to speak again. 

He swallowed, the motion catching in a throat gone suddenly dry. The house felt too small, the air dense enough to press against his chest, each breath coming a little too shallow. Somewhere behind them, the refrigerator hummed its low, steady song, and a leaky faucet dripped in slow, measured beats that seemed painfully loud in the silence. 

“I had to talk to you,” The curly haired man repeated. This time his voice came out rougher, hoarse around the edges, like the words had scraped his throat raw on the way out. 

Hayley didn’t answer right away. She just stood in the kitchen, arms folded tight across her chest, shoulders rigid. Her gaze stayed fixed on a spot on the floor between them, as if she could will it to split open and swallow the moment before it grew heavier. 

“How did you know where I was?” the tiny blonde asked at last. Her voice carried a wariness that felt older than this argument, worn in over too many sleepless nights. 

“Dan told me,” He said. The words dropped into the space between them with the weight of something undeniable. 

Hayley’s eyes flickered up, surprise breaking through for an instant before exhaustion took its place. Then her guard returned, subtle but sure, in the way her mouth pressed into a thin line. 

“So I came here,” Taylor finished, his hands lifting slightly, palms open in a quiet plea. He had nothing left to hide, nothing left except this battered truth. 

Silence settled over them both. It wasn’t gentle. It crawled over her skin, thick enough to make the air feel harder to breathe. Each second stretched, heavy and awkward, until it felt like the room itself might crack. 

Taylor shifted, taking half a step closer before stopping himself, shoes scuffing softly on the worn floorboards. The space between the bandmates felt fragile, like thin glass that could shatter at the smallest misstep. 

“I remember that night,” he said, voice softer now. He almost whispered, as though speaking louder might break something inside him. 

Hayley’s breath caught. It was quick, barely there, but he saw the way her shoulders stiffened, the tiny tremor in her hands where they clutched her arms. 

“I didn’t before. I really didn’t,” he continued, the words spilling out in a rush he couldn’t hold back any longer. “But I do now.” 

Her answer came out quieter than she meant. “And?” 

“And I hate that it took me this long,” he admitted, voice cracking at the edges. His gaze dropped to the floor, then lifted to meet hers again. Regret sat there, raw and unhidden. “I hate that I didn’t see it. Not just that night I got drunk—everything before it too. That I hurt you so badly. That I lost you.” 

Taylor’s words hung in the air, trembling under the weight of everything neither of them had been able to say until now. It wasn’t a perfect apology. But it was honest. 

Something in Hayley’s chest twisted tight, a sharp ache that made it hard to pull in a steady breath. she didn’t look away from him, though every second felt like pressing her palm against an open flame. His gaze held so much regret that it almost hurt to see. 

“You did hurt me,” the tiny blonde whispered. The words were barely louder than the sound of her own heartbeat. “You hurt me more than anyone else ever could, T.” 

It felt like stepping off a ledge into open air, knowing there’d be no one to catch you. But it was the truth, and it tasted bitter and metallic on her tongue. 

“I know,” he breathed out. The confession scraped past something raw inside him. “Fuck, I know I did.” His voice trembled, and tears welled in his eyes, catching the low light like broken glass. 

For a few heartbeats, neither of them moved. The silence wrapped around them both, heavy and unsteady, like a floor that might give way beneath your feet. 

“It wasn’t just that night, T” Hayley said, and her voice shook, though she kept it quiet. “It was months. Months of feeling like I was waiting for you to actually tell me what was wrong, to see me. And when you finally did, it was only to say something that shattered everything I’d been holding onto.” 

The curly haired man nodded, slow and small, his eyes rimmed red. His shoulders hunched as if trying to shrink under the weight of his own guilt. 

“I didn’t see you. Not the way I should have,” he admitted, voice ragged. “And when I thought maybe… you’d stopped waiting, I panicked. I got angry. At you, but more at myself. At everything that felt too big to fix.” 

A short, cracked laugh slipped out of Hayley. It wasn’t really laughter, more an exhausted sound that felt hollow in her chest. 

“And you made it my fault,” the tiny blonde said, the words cutting sharper than she meant. But they needed to be spoken. 

Taylor flinched at that, the truth hitting him hard. Still, he didn’t look away. “I did. And that’s on me. I fucked it all up. I made a mess of everything.” 

The next words slipped out before Hayley could stop them, carried by months of silence that had turned heavy in her lungs. 

“You made me feel small, T. Like what I felt didn’t matter. Like I was the fool for wanting it to.” 

Hayley’s voice caught, breaking around the last syllables. She swallowed hard, blinking back the blur in her vision. His expression crumpled, and guilt carved deep lines into his face, making him look older than he had just moments ago. 

“You were never foolish,” he whispered, voice hoarse. He stepped closer, slow and careful, as though afraid you might bolt. “Never. I was the fool. I still am.” 

Neither of them dared to sit down. They stood there on opposite sides of the living room, each in their own corner, separated by more than just space. The floor beneath them felt fragile, as if the weight of everything unsaid might crack it open. 

“I thought keeping what I was feeling quiet would protect what we had,” he said. His voice shook, thin and brittle. “That if I pretended it wasn’t there, I wouldn’t lose you. But I did it anyway. I pushed you away so hard there was nothing left to hold on to.” 

Hayley swallowed. Even after everything, the confession sent a dull ache through her chest, like pressing on an old bruise 

“So what now?” she asked, quieter this time. Her words felt heavy, like they had to push through the exhaustion weighing down her lungs. “You show up in the middle of the night, tell me you remember, and think that’s enough?” 

“No,” he answered quickly, the desperation plain in the crack of his voice. “I know it isn’t enough. Words don’t fix what I did. But I had to start somewhere. I had to see you Hayles, even if it meant you’d slam the door in my face.” 

her arms dropped to her sides, the fight in her muscles finally slipping away. Hayley’s shoulders sagged under the weight of it all, the sadness, the anger, the memories she still didn’t know what to do with. 

“You hurt me, T. And I’m still angry. I’m still sad,” she said, her voice wavering but steady enough to be heard. “I still don’t understand why this happened. How you could push me away like that after everything. Or how you, of all people, could say the things you did.” 

“I chose fear. And I hate that I did. Because I lost the one person who felt like… home.” he said, the words spilling out in a raw rush. 

Taylor gulped hard, the sound catching in his throat. His shoulders slumped, as though the admission itself drained the strength from his bones. 

“You are my home,” he whispered, barely louder than a breath. “You’ve always been my home Hayles. And I really don’t know what to do if you won’t be there anymore. I’m lost.” 

Her chest tightened, something sharp and warm prickling at the corners of her eyes. The tiny blonde wanted to look away but couldn’t. 

“It doesn’t change what happened,” she whispered back. “It doesn’t erase what you said.” 

“I know,” he repeated, softer this time, almost to himself, as if trying to believe that he truly did understand. “But I want to fix this. Fix us. More than anything. And I know it’s probably not the right time to beg you to trust me again, but maybe it means something to you. That I finally see it.” 

Hayley’s vision blurred for a heartbeat, her lashes wet. She blinked hard, steadying herself, and met his gaze. 

“It does,” she finally said, her voice cracking around the edges. “But I don’t know what to do with that. Not tonight.” 

The words settled between the bandmates, raw and honest. Outside, the hum of the city felt impossibly far away, leaving only the two of them and the silence they’d both built and now were trying, piece by piece, to break apart. 

“Okay” he murmured. His voice was barely above a whisper, rough around the edges, like the words had to push through something raw in his chest. 

Hayley nodded, slowly. Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes, hot and stubborn, but they didn’t fall. Her throat felt tight, the ache sitting there, refusing to ease. 

“Okay,” she whispered back. The word came out softer than she meant, as if speaking any louder might make the moment break apart. 

Taylor let out a breath, shaky and uneven, the sound of it carrying both relief and sorrow tangled together. His shoulders dropped, and for the first time tonight, some of the tension left his posture — though it left behind a hollow weariness in its place. 

Hayley turned away, blinking fast, her fingers brushing under her eyes to catch what might spill over. Then she gestured to the far side of the living room, the motion small but certain. 

“Blankets are in the drawer by the TV,” she said. Her voice felt steadier now, though it was still quiet. “It’s late, and you probably shouldn’t be driving around the city like this.” 

“Thank you,” he murmured. The words were so soft they barely reached her, but they carried a raw gratitude that felt heavier than any apology. 

At the doorway to the bedroom, Hayley paused. She turned her head, just enough to see him over her shoulder. His gaze met hers, open and unguarded in a way the tiny blonde hadn’t seen in so long. For a moment, it was like the silence and distance had fallen away, leaving just the two of them, stripped bare of anything but the truth they couldn’t say out loud. 

“Goodnight, T” she whispered. 

“Goodnight,” he echoed. His voice cracked slightly, hoarse with everything he still held back. 

Inside her room, the air felt too still. Hayley sat on the edge of the bed, her palms pressed firmly into the mattress as if to anchor herself, as if she had to convince herself this was real, that he was here, somewhere beyond the thin wall, carrying the same ache she did. 

For a long moment, she just sat there, listening. Hayley thought she could hear the soft creak of the drawer opening through the lightly ajar door, the rustle of fabric as he pulled out the blankets. It felt intimate, painfully so, like a memory unfolding in real time. 

When the tiny blonde finally lay down, she curled onto her side, knees drawn up tight. Her breath caught high in her chest, every inhale shallow and unsteady. Her heart thudded, loud enough she half-feared he could hear it through the walls, its rhythm stumbling between ache and hope, between old hurt and something too fragile to name. 

Outside, a car passed slowly down the street, headlights sweeping faint shadows across the walls. They shifted and danced, briefly lighting the edges of her room before fading again. But nothing stilled the quiet tremor under her ribs, the way her chest seemed to pull tighter every time Hayley closed her eyes. 

Every word replayed in her mind, looping like a melody you couldn’t silence: 

“I didn’t choose this over you. I chose fear.” “I see it now.” 

Hayley squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her face deeper into the pillow as if darkness itself could shield her. But it only made it worse, the images grew sharper in the quiet: the way rain had plastered his hair to his forehead, the tremor in his voice when he spoke her name, the rawness in his gaze that felt too honest to bear. 

Sleep didn’t come. Her pulse drummed loud in her ears, each beat tangled up with questions she couldn’t answer. Beneath the thin sheets, her body stayed curled tight, like if she uncurled, the ache might spill out and drown her. 

In the living room, Taylor lay on his back on the couch, staring at the ceiling that seemed farther away than it should be. The borrowed blanket barely kept out the chill. His hoodie still carried the faintest trace of her shampoo, a ghost of the home he hadn’t known he’d built around her until he’d torn it apart. 

Rain tapped gently against the glass doors to the garden, steady and unhurried, like a heartbeat that wasn’t his. Each drop echoed softly in the room, threading through the hush like a lullaby too quiet to soothe. 

His chest ached, a deep, dull weight pressed under his ribs. Regret burned hot and sharp, but beneath it, something smaller and more dangerous stirred — hope, fragile as a breath, stubborn enough to still exist at all. 

He turned onto his side, the couch creaking under the shift of his weight. His gaze drifted to the darkened hallway that led to her new bedroom. In the hush, it felt like staring toward a door that might never open again. His fingers curled around the pillow, gripping it until his knuckles turned white, as if it could anchor him in a night that felt ready to swallow him whole. 

She let me in, he thought. She didn’t slam the door. 

The thought itself felt like a gift he hadn’t earned. His throat tightened painfully, words catching and dissolving before they could leave his lips. Apologies crowded his chest, tangled with promises he’d meant to speak long ago, but none of them found a way out. 

The unfinished house settled into a quiet so complete it almost rang in his ears. Only the low hum of the fridge and the rain beyond the glass kept him company. Time felt suspended, stretched thin and fragile, holding its breath between heartbreak and something that dared to hope. 

Almost without realizing, his lips parted. At first, it was only her name, breathed so quietly it was almost swallowed by the dark before it could cross the room. 

But it wasn’t enough. 

His voice cracked, softer than prayer, raw with everything he’d kept buried until it hurt to stay silent: 

“I love you.” 

The words hung in the air, vulnerable and bruised, not asking for an answer, only needing to exist. 

Hayley’s breath hitched, caught somewhere between her ribs and her throat. For a heartbeat, the entire world felt impossibly still: no sound from the street below, no hum from the fridge, even the gentle patter of rain on the windowsill seemed to pause. Just silence. And the heavy, aching echo of I love you burning behind her sternum, searing its shape into her chest. 

It hurt. God, it hurt. An ache so sharp it seemed to slice through the tiny blonde, yet so deep it felt like it had always been there, waiting to wake. Her chest felt tight enough to crack; her palms damp with sweat Hayley hadn’t noticed until now. And her heart — traitorous, stubborn — stumbled wildly, caught between disbelief and a hope so fragile it felt like it might crumble to ash if she dared to reach for it. 

Almost before she’d made the decision, Hayley’s legs carried her to the edge of the bed. She stood, bare feet sinking into the cold bite of the floorboards, breath quivering in the hush. The soft thud of her pulse thundered in her ears, louder than anything else. 

At the doorway, the tiny blonde paused. Fingers hovered near the handle, muscles tight with hesitation. The wood felt smooth and familiar under her skin, yet tonight it felt like a threshold, a line between what had been and what might still be. 

Was this what she really wanted? 

The part of her still raw with anger and humiliation whispered to stay. To keep the distance, to let him sit with the loneliness she had carried so long it felt stitched into her bones. To let silence do what words never could. 

But beneath that, quieter yet deeper, lived another part of her: the part that remembered his warmth pressed against her side on sleepless nights, the weight of his hand covering hers in crowded rooms. The part that remembered the stupid, gentle things: the way he’d tug her sleeve to get her attention, or the way his eyes softened when he thought she wasn’t watching. The part of Hayley that still, after everything, wanted to see him look at her that way again. 

And that part — stubborn, foolish, hopeful — moved anyway. 

Her green eyes found him through the dim glow. His outline slumped against the couch cushions, one arm crooked behind his head, gaze pinned to the ceiling as if the answer to everything might be carved into the cracked plaster above. His hair, curling messily from the rain, clung to his forehead. His cheeks looked drawn, the softness in his face replaced by an exhaustion that cut deeper than tiredness. His lips parted, frozen somewhere between breath and words unsaid. 

And his eyes — usually bright, alive, always restless with humour or stubbornness — looked dulled now, shadowed and almost hollow. A weight sat there you had never seen press so heavy, as though regret itself had settled behind them. 

In that moment, neither of them moved. And the distance between them, measured in heartbeats, memories, and words left unsaid, felt both impossibly small and heartbreakingly wide. 

It was like something magnetic, an invisible pull that tugged at something deep in her chest, impossible to fight. Her feet moved closer, step by slow, almost reluctant step, breath shallow and uneven. Each movement felt suspended in the thick hush of the empty house, the silence broken only by the soft patter of rain outside. 

When he noticed the shift in the dark, his head jerked towards her, quick and startled. For a second, Taylor’s eyes searched Hayley’s, wide and raw, something desperate flashing through them, balanced precariously between panic and hope. His lips parted, breath catching in his chest as if he was about to speak. 

But she shook he head, just once, gentle, her bright yellow hair brushing her cheeks. She didn’t trust her voice; Hayley could feel it trembling at the back of her throat, threatening to crack the moment she tried. 

So she just kept moving. Closer. Until she stood right in front of him, close enough that she could feel the faint warmth radiating off his body, close enough to see how his breath stuttered, the way his chest rose and fell too quickly. 

Taylor hesitated, blinking like he didn’t dare believe it, then shifted sideways on the couch. His hand lifted, fingers brushing the edge of the blanket, lifting it in a small, awkward gesture — an invitation that felt almost painfully unsure, as if he thought she might change her mind at any second. But it didn’t need to be spoken. 

Hayley lowered herself beside him, slow and deliberate, the couch dipping under her weight. The fabric smelled faintly of dust and rain and him. Her body brushed against his, fitting into the narrow space like a memory you’d half-forgotten how to hold. 

Her back settled against his chest, her head resting lightly on his arm. The tiny blonde could feel every shiver in him, every hitch in his breathing. And then — without hesitation — his arms wrapped around her. Not careful, not cautious. Just there — an instinctive, bone-deep need to pull her closer, as though Taylor’s body had been waiting for this moment so long it hurt to finally move. 

A shudder rippled through him, chest tightening around her. His head dipped until his nose pressed lightly into her hair, and the breath that slipped past his lips sounded torn, almost painful. Like the relief itself hurt to let out. 

Another low, shaky exhale ghosted across the back of her neck, warm and uneven — the sound of something breaking and being held together at the same time. His arm curled tighter around her waist, not to trap her, but like he was terrified she’d vanish if he didn’t keep holding on. 

Hayley’s eyelids fluttered shut, lashes damp, and for a long, suspended second, neither of them moved. Just two hearts, bruised and battered, beating against each other anyway. Just shared warmth, shared breath, shared silence that felt heavier than words. 

Then, barely above a whisper, raw, hoarse, like it scraped his throat to speak: 

“I’m so sorry.” 

A tremor in his chest as the words left him. His breath caught, then another broken whisper, softer but no steadier: 

“I’m so sorry…” 

The words spilled from Taylor, ragged and desperate. Each repetition chipped away at something inside of Hayley, the edges of her resolve softening under the weight of his voice. 

“I’m so sorry,” again, quieter now, almost childlike, like he was saying it to the memory of them as much as to her now. 

“I’m so sorry,” once more, the words shaking loose on a breath that seemed to drag everything in him out with it. 

It became a mantra, an exhale he couldn’t stop. As if silence itself felt more terrifying than admitting — over and over — how deeply he’d broken what mattered most. Each syllable bruised and raw, wearing itself thin until it was barely sound at all, just need and regret strung together. 

Her chest ached so deeply it felt hollow, like his words had carved something out of her. Instinct moved her before thought did: her hand reaching for him, fingers curling around his arm where the muscles trembled under her touch. Hayley’s thumb brushed gently back and forth over the fabric of his sleeve, slow, steady, grounding. 

And when she finally found her voice, it came out small, ragged, but gentle, coaxing: 

“Shhhh,” she breathed, the sound barely more than air. “Shhhh…” 

Like calming a wound they both couldn’t see. Her voice trembled, her heart thundered, but her touch stayed steady, a promise, even if she wasn’t sure what it promised yet. 

But the apologies didn’t stop. They kept spilling out of Taylor in a whisper-shaken tumble, as if he could bleed the guilt from his chest by naming it. And still, Hayley stayed there — pressed close, breathing each other’s air, neither healed, neither whole, but holding on anyway. 

She shifted, wriggling just enough to loosen the suffocating press of his grip. For a split second, panic flashed sharp and white in his eyes; his hand tightened again, fear bleeding into his voice. 

“No — please, don’t leave,” he rushed out, breath catching on the words. 

Her heart cracked at the sound. 

But she didn’t move away. 

Instead, the tiny blonde turned into him fully. Slowly, deliberately, her body pivoted until their foreheads nearly brushed, and her legs tangled into the heat of his. The blanket slipped down her shoulders, forgotten, as if it no longer mattered. 

Her hand rose, trembling, to cup his cheek, thumb brushing away the salt-streaked tear that clung stubbornly there. 

Taylor’s eyes fluttered closed at her touch, as if the tenderness stung more than comforted — too raw, too close to the bruise. 

Her thumb kept brushing against the tear track, gentle and rhythmic, as if she could smooth the ache out of him just by touch alone. His skin felt warm and damp beneath her fingertips, rough with stubble in places, softer in others. 

Hayley’s breath trembled between them both, each inhale catching on the edge of a memory she hadn’t dared touch in weeks, the nights his laughter had settled into her chest. 

His apology slipped out again, barely a breath: 

“Sorry…” 

Her chest tightened around the word. It felt like it weighed too much for a single syllable, cracked and raw, as if it had scraped its way out of him through every bruise and regret he carried. 

The tiny blonde didn’t answer right away. Instead, she watched him: the way his lashes clumped together with tears, the way his lips parted around words that never made it past his tongue, the faint tremor that rippled down his arm where your hand rested. 

For a heartbeat, the world shrank to just this: her hand on his cheek, the shaky warmth of his breath ghosting across her lips, the shared pulse that seemed to beat between her ribs and his. 

Her fingers slid upward, brushing the mess of damp curls clinging to his forehead, nails grazing lightly across his hairline. His breath caught at the touch, another sob shivering loose before he could stop it. 

“Look at me,” she breathed, voice hushed but firmer than it felt inside. 

Slowly, he did. His eyes opened, heavy and glassy, lashes trembling.  

Hayley’s thumb traced beneath his eye, catching another tear before it could fall. His skin twitched under her touch, like the tenderness hurt more than the distance ever had. 

“I know,” she whispered, voice breaking at the edges. “I know you’re sorry.” 

The words felt small in the hush of the living room, swallowed by the quiet, but they still landed between them — softer than forgiveness, but not rejection either. 

Her hand slipped to the back of his neck, fingers splaying across the warmth of his skin, feeling the faint, frantic beat of his pulse beneath her thumb.  

“I’m still angry,” she whispered, the words hitching in her throat. “And I still hurt. But I know you’re sorry, T.” 

Taylor let out a breath that sounded like it broke something loose inside him, shoulders shaking as he pressed closer, as though even this sliver of absolution was too much to hold. 

His nose brushed hers, breath ragged. She could feel the damp heat of his tears where their skin touched, could taste the salt of her own on her lips. 

Their legs tangled tighter, the blanket half-forgotten, pooling around her hips. All that remained was skin, warmth, breath — hearts beating too fast, too loud, too close. 

For a moment, neither of them spoke. His chest heaved against hers, uneven and desperate, her thumb still stroking the back of Taylor’s neck in slow, grounding circles. 

Finally, almost swallowed by the space between their mouths, another whisper slipped from him — quieter now, rawer, edged with something that sounded like surrender: 

“I don’t know how to stop being sorry.” 

And Hayley’s heart cracked again, wide and aching, because she knew: 

Neither of them knew how to stop hurting. 

“T.” 

Hayley’s voice broke the quiet, soft but steady, threading through the fragile space between them. 

His lashes lifted slowly again, heavy and thick with exhaustion, wet-rimmed and glistening with tears that refused to fall now.  

And in that gaze, she saw everything. 

The shattered pieces of his heart, jagged and bleeding. 

The relentless gnaw of guilt that clawed at him from the inside out, twisting the curly haired man with every breath. 

The paralyzing fear that he had lost her, lost the only thing that had ever felt like home. 

The aching regret, so deep and weighty it seemed to hollow him from the inside, leaving only the fragile shell of the man she once knew. 

So close that she could feel the trembling warmth of his breath as it brushed against her lips, soft and hesitant like a whisper carried on the wind. 

Hayley’s eyes never left his, tracing the contours of his face—the way the light caught the curve of his cheekbone, the way his jaw clenched slightly beneath the roughness of stubble, the way his eyes searched hers like a lifeline. 

Slowly, almost reverently, her forehead dipped forward until their noses touched again—softly, lightly—an intimate connection that reached far beyond skin. It was a question and an answer all at once, a fragile thread weaving you back together. 

Then, a breath closer, Hayley’s lips ghosted over his, barely there, a feather-light touch that spoke volumes in its gentleness. 

Not desire. 

Not desperation. 

But something infinitely more tender: forgiveness. 

Regret. 

A quiet yearning to heal the wounds they both carried, raw and unspoken. 

Taylor’s breath caught in his throat, a sharp hitch that made his entire body still, suspended between fear and hope, between the past they both wanted to forget and the future they both dared to imagine. 

For a suspended heartbeat, he didn’t breathe at all, his chest rising and falling frozen, as if afraid to shatter the fragile moment. 

And then, finally, their lips met fully. 

There was no force, no urgency, just a softness that spilled from their souls, an apology with no words, a balm for months of loneliness and love that had nowhere else to go. 

Under her palm, Taylor’s chest trembled again, this time not with sorrow, but with something new. Like the first deep breath taken after nearly drowning, shaky but alive. 

When she pulled back, their foreheads still resting together, the silence between them felt different. 

Fragile, yes. 

Painful, still. 

But somehow, held in the warmth of your shared breath and the closeness of their bodies, it felt a little less impossible. 

He whispered again, voice hoarse and breaking, the weight of the confession heavy but real: 

“I’m sorry.” 

And this time, Hayley didn’t hush him. 

she let those words linger between them, because even if they couldn’t erase the past or fix the broken pieces completely, they were true. 

And so was this moment. 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 

Now I understand how you feel abandoned 
At a depth you would never share with me 
And I tried to make it to the bottom 
Suck out all the poison, but in the end 
Had no choice but to surface and surrender 

Disappearing man 
You could really have anyone 
And you had me 
Why'd you let go? (Why'd you let go?) 
You could really have anyone 
Except for me, I suppose 

Just like I said, had to come up for air 
'Cause I know better than to hold my breath for too long 
Now, love, you're not the only one who's lonely 
My final act of love was surrender 
Oh, surrender 

Disappearing man 
You could really have anyone 
And you had me 
Why'd you let go? (Why'd you let go?) 
You could really have anyone 
Except for me, I suppose (so it goes) 

Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Won't you just surrender? 
Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Yeah, we made it, disappearing man 
Won't you just surrender? 

Disappearing man 
You could really have anyone 
And you had me 
Why'd you let go? (Why'd you let go?) 
You could really have anyone 
Except for me, I suppose (so it goes) 

Disappearing man, that's thin as air with wild hair 
And a stare that could melt stone (thin as, thin as, air, air) 
There were no conditions to my love 
Yeah, it was endless 'til there was no you to hold (thin as, thin as, air, air) 

Disappearing man 
Won't you just surrender? 
Disappearing man 
Won't you just surrender 
Disappearing man 

 

 

 

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of LSFTY