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How had this happened?
Yuder had barely woken up that he was surprised by a sudden attack. For a moment, he sincerely believed himself in danger, and almost counterattacked the person who had suddenly embraced him.
Only a second later, and he might have hurt him.
Kishiar la Orr.
His Commander and lover, who had woken him up by embracing him.
Yuder tried to understand the situation. The last thing he remembered was being in Kishiar’s office at the capital headquarters. Had he fallen asleep? It didn’t seem out of character for Kishiar to embrace him in his sleep, or even embrace him as soon as he awoke.
“Commander?”
There was no answer. Yuder blinked repeatedly to understand what was going on.
He was sitting up, seemingly having fallen asleep on the couch. Kishiar, whom he could glimpse from the corner of his vision, was hugging him close to his chest, arms right around Yuder’s torso and shoulders. One hand was in his hair, pressing Yuder’s head into Kishiar’s shoulder. Yuder hesitantly brought up his own arms, returning the embrace.
It wasn’t a natural embrace — or at least, not one Yuder was used to.
It felt more… like the embrace of someone desperate.
Yuder’s heartbeat kicked up. He tried to wiggle out of the hold.
“Commander?”
What had happened while he was asleep?
Had Kishiar been attacked? Was he worried about something?
Had he been hiding something again, and it had imploded while Yuder had been unconscious?
“Please…”
Kishiar’s voice suddenly pleaded.
Yuder stopped moving, struck by the mournful tone that he’d never heard before.
“…Yudrein.”
Yuder couldn’t have stopped the way his chest jolted even under threat of death. His eyes went wide; he tried to meet Kishiar’s gaze, or at least glance at his face, but Kishiar was holding onto him too tightly.
After helplessly struggling in his hold like a flailing fish, Yuder finally gave in and relaxed his body.
“…Commander? Are you injured?”
“Yudrein… Yuder…”
Kishiar called out his name in a voice filled with anguish, something Yuder had never heard in either lives.
“Just stay with me. Stay…”
The man that had always been in control started saying things that didn’t make sense. A voice roughened with emotion, and a body that clutched Yuder’s body like a lifeline. It didn’t make sense, and yet…
“Commander, did you have a dream again?”
“A dream…”
Kishiar almost scoffed.
“I wish it was a dream. But it was all real.”
“I meant, a dream that was also a memory.”
Yuder quickly corrected his wording so that they wouldn’t have any more misunderstandings. He thought that Kishiar, after waking up from a dreamed memory of the past timeline, might be confused or distraught due to what he’d witnessed.
“It wasn’t a dream.”
But Kishiar denied it again.
“I wish it had been a dream. Then, you wouldn’t have suffered because of me.”
“Commander?”
“Yudrein. Do you prefer the current Kishiar la Orr?”
“…What?”
Yuder’s chest filled with ice, so sharp that it prickled at his heart.
“This Kishiar la Orr never hurt you, never misunderstood you; in fact, he protected you better than I could have ever done.”
“Commander.”
Yuder couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He struggled to answer. His body started flailing again, trying to escape Kishiar’s grasp. But it only became tighter.
“Commander, it’s…”
“Yudrein. I’m sorry. If I’d been stronger…”
Finally, Yuder thought to use his Awakener abilities to free himself. He carefully yet sharply pushed Kishiar’s arms away from him, then jerked himself away from Kishiar.
For the first time, he was able to meet Kishiar la Orr’s eyes.
A face filled with pain and longing greeted him.
Kishiar la Orr.
This was the Kishiar la Orr of his past life, who had died at his hands.
…Could this be real? Yuder felt lost, unable to decide whether this was a dream or reality. He inspected their surroundings, which were Kishiar la Orr’s office in the Cavalry headquarters.
However, he only now realized that the office looked different from what he’d become used to. Looking closer, this was not Commander Kishiar la Orr’s office, but Commander Yudrein Ail’s office.
He turned back to Kishiar la Orr, who was looking at him with a pained expression.
Yuder couldn’t figure out what to say.
Kishiar laughed in a low tone.
“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Although for me, it felt like an instant.”
“Commander…”
Yuder’s voice came out sounding odd. Kishiar swallowed, the skin around his eyes tightening. He seemed unable to look away from Yuder.
“Yudrein… Yuder. I’m glad to see you doing well.”
“…Duke.”
This time, Yuder could no longer call him Commander. The man he had killed had only one title to his name, and that was Duke of Peletta. A title reserved for those doomed to a terrible end.
“How did this happen?”
“I’m not sure either. Maybe I wished too strongly to meet you once again, and dragged you down there with me. Or…”
Kishiar’s eyes lowered thoughtfully.
“Or maybe, I am slowly becoming part of your world once again.”
“What do you mean?”
Yuder’s heart skipped a beat, whether in anticipation or dread.
“Has the current Kishiar la Orr not told you? That he has been having visions and dreams of our past lives.”
“Do you mean that those came from you?”
Kishiar smiled wanly.
“I don’t understand either. It must be because the two of you have been uniting often, and so the fragments of my soul within yours are transferring back to my real body — the body of the current Kishiar la Orr.”
“The fragments of your…”
Yuder couldn’t finish.
In other words, the previous Kishiar la Orr had left fragments of his soul within Yuder, which had traveled back in time alongside him. And now that Yuder regularly linked his soul and body with the current Kishiar la Orr, the fragments of his old soul were slowly merging with the current Kishiar.
Dread overtook his mind.
“Is he in danger?”
“The current version of myself? I… am not sure either. But since he has you with him, and since he’s never been injured, he should be fine.”
Kishiar, who had lived and died alone, smiled bitterly.
“Even if my soul fragments begin to interfere with his wellbeing, you can get rid of them.”
He hadn’t changed at all.
Yuder’s heart pinched with pain.
Kishiar la Orr had experienced death once; had sacrificed everything for them once; and it wasn’t enough. He still held the heart of a sacrificial lamb, living and dying for the sake of others.
Even now, he carelessly offered to be erased for the sake of their current happiness.
“I have no intention of doing that.”
Yuder answered firmly.
“Peletta Duke… Commander.”
He tried to find the proper way to call this person, whom he had hated, missed, and loved for over a decade. This person to whom he owed both pain and pleasure; suffering and happiness. Everything Yuder was today, he owed it to this version of Kishiar la Orr.
“…Kishiar.”
Yuder called him by his name.
Kishiar’s eyes widened. His mouth fell open, trembled, then forcefully shut. His throat bobbed as he swallowed.
On his face, it was both pain and hope that marked the lines of his face.
“I have no intention of letting you disappear.”
Yuder announced his intentions firmly. He lifted his arms, and grasped both of Kishiar’s wrists, as if he could monocle him there forever.
“If necessary, I will shelter you within me forever.”
“Ah…”
Kishiar let out a pained noise.
“No matter the cost, I…”
“Don’t say that.”
Kishiar interrupted him.
“I can’t deny that I also want to stay with you. But it’s not worth it if I cause you pain. I never want to hurt you again.”
He briefly went silent.
“I’ve already done enough damage. Despite my best intentions… no, it doesn’t matter what my intentions were.”
“It matters to me.”
“Yudrein…”
“I will find a solution, so that you can stay. Whether it is by merging with the current you, or staying within me.”
“Haha, I’m not sure that version of me would be so selfless. I know I wouldn’t have been, if I were him. Who would want to have to share you?”
Kishiar tried to turn the situation more lighthearted, as if avoiding Yuder’s sincerity, but Yuder could see through the act. Even in this space where their bodies were only representations of their souls, Kishiar’s wrists within his hold trembled slightly.
“I don’t know what his decision will be. But I also have my own will.”
Yuder hadn’t spoken without thought. He wanted to hold onto this version of Kishiar.
Question him.
Understand him.
…Stay with him.
All the time and opportunities that had been robbed from them — due to misfortune, due to injuries, due to enemies, due to death itself. He wanted all of it.
Without realizing it, Yuder had become too greedy. He would never be able to let this Kishiar go, not without a fight.
He didn’t know how this was possible.
He didn’t know if this dreamscape was real.
He didn’t know how much time he had to secure Kishiar’s place in this world.
But he wanted it all.
So he would do it all.
Since turning back time, Yuder had become someone who wouldn’t bow in the face of adversity. He had no intention of bending his head any time soon.
“Please stay with me.”
“Yudrein… Yuder.”
Yuder tugged him closer. This time, instead of trying to escape Kishiar’s hold, he was the one holding him.
This man who had always seemed larger than life. For the first time, he seemed to fit perfectly within Yuder’s arms. He closed his eyes, and leaned his head into the crook of Kishiar’s neck.
“Stay with me.”
Kishiar exhaled shakily against him.
Then, in a voice filled with both disbelief and hope, he gave his answer:
“So long as you’ll have me.”