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Over the course of the week, Poe Dameron had learned an important lesson about one night stands.
- Don’t sleep with your roommate.
- Especially not when you (and everyone else) know he’s in love with someone else.
- And definitely not when the girl he’s in love with is related to your estranged ex-boyfriend.
Needless to say, Poe hadn’t been having a very good week.
-
Rey’s kitchen had yellow tile. It matched fairly well with the dark wood cabinets, and the white stone countertops, but even still Poe wasn’t a huge fan of the yellow. He had spent a while now studying the tile, sipping water from a Colorado coffee mug. He had studied the mug as well. And the stovetop, and the pictures on the fridge.
Poe wasn’t trapped in the kitchen exactly. It was just that Rey and Finn were sharing the loveseat in the living room as they watched Got Mail , and as much as Poe loved Tom Hanks, he didn’t particularly love seeing Finn make heart eyes at Rey when just last weekend he had been the one on the receiving end. In the interest of transparency, Poe had to admit that they had both been very drunk when they decided to sleep together, and he was already aware that Finn liked Rey. He thought it wouldn’t bother him to see them together. He was wrong.
Rey giggled in the other room and Poe grimaced. He took another drink from his mug and considered his options. Just as he resolved himself to faking a stomachache and heading home, he heard footsteps ascend the stairs. He knew Rey’s cousin was in town for the holidays, but had yet to meet the man. Perhaps he could save Poe from his boredom.
As the mysterious cousin stepped onto the yellow tile, Poe raised his gaze from the Colorado mug and let out a tiny gasp. The dark haired man tore his eyes from the phone in his hand at the sound, and raised both eyebrows at the sight of Poe perched on the counter.
“Something tells me you didn’t expect to see me here,” the man said. The deep cadence of his voice threw Poe back to his hazy college days when that was the only voice he knew.
“Of course not,” Poe snorted. “Did you expect to see me?”
“Had a feeling,” Kylo said stepping toward the fridge and yanking it open. “I see Rey’s Instagram pictures of you sometimes.”
“Rey’s your cousin?” Poe asked.
“Obviously,” Kylo said, sounding bored.
“I thought you were in New Zealand?”
“Didn’t work out. I see you never left Washington.”
“Didn’t need to,” Poe shrugged. “Are you here long?”
“No.” Kylo didn’t say anything else, just disappeared from the kitchen and up the stairs. Poe remained on the counter for several moments before continuing his stomachache plan and catching a cab home.
-
Much to Poe’s displeasure, he ended up at Rey’s house the following day. It wasn’t that he disliked Rey. She was one of his best friends, and probably a better fit for Finn than Poe anyway. It was just easier to feel sorry for himself than it was to accept reality.
The reintroduction of Kylo into his life didn’t make things easier. He and Kylo had been inseparable for most of their young adult years, bestfriends first and boyfriends next. Their breakup hadn’t been particularly hard, but Kylo’s move to New Zealand had been. They hadn’t spoken in almost five years.
When Poe stepped into Rey’s tiny house, chatting with Finn about their upcoming New Year’s Eve plans, the first thing Rey yelled was his name.
“Oh god,” Poe sighed. “That’s never good.”
Finn chuckled and shoved him forward into the kitchen. Kylo sat at the counter, hunched over a coffee mug, and Rey stood with her back to the stove, sauce laden spoon held like a weapon as she glared at Poe.
“You didn’t tell me you knew Kylo.”
Poe shrugged, glancing at the man in question. Kylo just mirrored his shrug. “Neither did you. You just said ‘cousin’. I didn’t assume it was anyone I knew.”
“How do you guys know each other?” Finn asked, looking between the two. Poe set the bottle of wine he carried on the counter near Kylo.
“Met in college. We used to be--”
“Friends,” Kylo interrupted, catching Poe’s attention and narrowing his eyes. Poe was caught off guard by Kylo’s rather violent assertion. Poe had never intended to say anything but ‘friend’, as he wasn’t overly eager to bring up his past exploits in the current company. Now that Kylo was so adamant, though, Poe decided to rise to the challenge.
“Oh yeah,” Poe began. “Friends of the horizontal variety.”
While admittedly not one of his better jokes, it caught Rey’s attention nonetheless, and caused Kylo to choke on his coffee.
“You guys dated?” Rey sounded completely baffled. Poe chuckled.
“Sure did. For how long would you say, Kylo? Three years?”
“Three and a half,” Kylo said stiffly. The glare he fixed Poe with painful, and just a bit comical. Poe flashed him a grin, all teeth, before turning back to Rey.
“There you have it,” Poe said. “Three and half years.”
“That’s fantastic!” Rey grinned. She wasn’t oblivious to the tension in the room, she was just choosing to ignore it. “Poe, will you keep stirring this sauce? I need Finn’s help wrapping your present.”
“What?” Finn asked as Poe stepped forward to take the spoon Rey offered him. “Present?”
“Yeah, I need your advice on something, and you know Poe best, afterall,” Rey said with a wink. Poe tensed, nervous that she knew about his night with Finn. Judging by Finn’s panicked expression, he was worried about the same thing. “Plus, we can give these two a chance to catch up.”
Rey and Finn climbed the stairs to Rey’s room, heads bowed and talking in hushed voices. Poe lazily stirred the bubbling spaghetti sauce, his back to Kylo, before saying, “Do you think they left to give you and I space, or to have some of their own?”
“Both,” Kylo said, unimpressed. “Rey seems to be under the impression that I’m dying to see you again.”
“Oh come on now,” Poe teased, turning around and leaning against the counted near the stove. “We both know you’ve missed me.”
“Hardly,” Kylo sniffed. He wrinkled his nose at Poe, and Poe smiled almost fondly at Kylo’s stoic facade.
“I still can’t believe you’re Rey’s cousin,” Poe continued. “I mean, I honestly never thought I’d see you again. This came out of nowhere.”
“Can’t say I’m pleased.” Kylo’s voice had turned combative, and it shocked Poe. He knew they had been playing a ‘ who cares about the other less ’ game, but he didn’t know they were actually angry with each other. They hadn’t exactly ended on the best of terms, but surely they could still be friends?
“What’s your deal, dude? Yeah, we dated, get over it. Don’t ruin Christmas because you’re bitter.”
Kylo narrowed his eyes, studying Poe for a long moment before sighing and finding interest in his coffee mug. He pulled his shoulders up to his ears, hunching over the cup. Kylo extended a pale index finger and dipped it in the dark liquid.
“My coffee's cold,” Kylo said, sounding enough like a pouting child that it forced a laugh out of Poe.
“Give it here,” Poe said, stepping across the yellow tile and making grabbing motions. Kylo glanced up briefly before passing Poe the mug. Poe placed it delicately in the microwave above the stove. As he waited for the timer to ring, Poe returned to stirring Rey’s sauce. “I mean it, Kylo. Just pretend you don’t hate me, at least until after Christmas, okay? We’re both here for Rey, so let’s just get over it.”
“I don’t hate you,” Kylo said. “It’s just not exactly the best time to run into my ex.”
The microwave sounded, and Poe returned Kylo’s mug before saying, “Is there ever a good time to run into an ex?”
Kylo smirked. “No, I supposed not. But there are decidedly bad times.”
“Care to elaborate?” Poe asked, hopping onto the counter near the stove as he watched Kylo. Kylo shrugged and opened his mouth to speak, but stopped when footsteps sounded down the stairs.
“Tell you later?” Kylo asked, nodding toward the hallway where Rey’s voice was quickly approaching.
“Sure,” Poe nodded. He knew Kylo was a private person, and always had been. He’d tell Poe if he wanted to, but he wouldn’t broadcast it to everyone.
“Finn and I had an idea,” Rey proclaimed as she entered the room, drawing both Poe and Kylo’s attention. “Are you working tomorrow, Poe?”
“No, I’m off till after the new year. Why?”
“Well, I need to finish Christmas shopping.” Rey took the spoon back from Poe and dunked it in the sauce. “Finn does, too. And knowing you two,” she looked pointedly at Poe and Kylo, “you guys haven’t even started.”
“Don’t say mall,” Poe whispered to himself. Kylo heard though, and snickered.
“So, we should go to the mall.” Poe groaned, but Rey fixed him with a glare that killed the sound in his throat. “It’s going to be crowded, so we should go early. It won’t be too bad until after twelve.”
“Fine, but I’m bringing my--”
“She already said no to the riot shield,” Finn interrupted. “I asked.”
“What? Rey… ” Poe whined, hopping from the counter as Rey shooed him, reaching for the cupboard above his head.
“Absolutely not.”
“You have a riot shield? Why ?” Kylo asked, looking appalled.
“Ebay,” Poe and Finn said simultaneously.
“Alright, anyway, let’s leave at about nine tomorrow. Kylo and I will--”
“I’m not going,” Kylo cut Rey off.
“What?” Rey asked, turning to glance at her cousin. “There’s no way you’re finished shopping.”
Kylo shrugged. “I’m not, but I’ll do it later. I’m not going to the mall.”
“Fine. You can go visit your parents then, since you told them you were busy all week. Now that your schedule’s cleared up…”
Kylo glared at Rey, who held his stare with ease. Poe caught Finn’s eye and shrugged.
“Whatever,” Kylo huffed finally, dejected. “I’ll go Christmas shopping.”
“Good. Nine it is.”
-
Nine a.m. found Poe craving coffee and cramped in the backseat of Rey’s Honda Fit. Beside him Kylo was worse off in more ways than Poe. The dark circles under his eyes indicated a poor reaction to being woken up early, and his outrageously long legs just about scraped the ceiling as he scrunched into the tiny backseat. Annoyance was etched into every line of his pale face as he glared at the back of Rey’s head. Oblivious, Rey hummed along to the radio as Finn talked about what to get Poe’s dog for Christmas.
“Regretting your decision to come?” Poe asked, leaning sideways to whisper to the man beside him.
“While it’s preferable to visiting my father, it still makes me want to jump from the moving vehicle.”
“Jesus,” Poe laughed. “I forgot how dark your humor was.”
“Who says I’m joking?” Kylo said, voice void of any emotion. Poe caught the tiny curve of his lips, though, the dark little smirk that always gave away even the dryest of jokes. Kylo shifted in his seat, prompting a squawk from Rey as he kneed the back of her chair.
“Don’t kick my seat,” Rey scolded. Kylo let out a dramatic sigh and tossed his hands in the air.
“Maybe Kylo should get shotgun on the way back,” Poe laughed.
“ Thank you, ” Kylo huffed. Poe just laughed again.
-
The mall was just as crowded as everyone assumed it would be. After two clothing stores and a joke shop (which Poe and Finn almost got kicked out of after one two many bouts of rambunctious laughter), Poe found himself trailing behind with Kylo as Rey and Finn lead the way.
“If we hang a left now, they won’t notice our escape,” Kylo said, leaning in close to Poe and speaking quietly. Poe glanced up at Kylo, and then down the hallway to the left. It was crowded enough that they could easily disappear.
“Hell yes,” Poe agreed, ducking through the crowd and away from Rey and Finn. Poe elbowed his way through confused shoppers, and Kylo followed with hunched shoulders, his hands deep in his pockets. His black coat was tight fighting and slimming, making him appear even taller and more menacing than usual.
As they navigated through the masses, Kylo placed a hand on Poe’s elbow and pointed toward a Starbucks, tucked away in the corner of the food court. It was busy, but not overwhelming, and they could both use some caffeine.
“Still like vanilla?” Poe asked as the entered the cafe, tapping a window sign proclaiming seasonal vanilla lattes.
“Shut up,” Kylo muttered.
“Oh come on, you used to love vanilla. Vanilla flavored everything. Frosting, creamer…”
“I liked peppermint, too,” Kylo argued as they stepped closer to the counter behind the others in line.
“No, I liked peppermint. You stole my peppermint.”
“Well, I always forgot how much I liked it when I was ordering, but then I tasted yours and remembered.” Kylo argued the issue like it was something that actually mattered.
“Order peppermint now, then,” Poe urged. Kylo’s face hardened.
“No, I don’t like either of them anymore.”
Kylo stepped to the counter, his shoulders still hunched in a way they didn’t use to when they were kids. He ordered a red eye, no cream or sugar, and handed the cash over stiffly. Poe let out a disappointed sigh. It was easy to forget how difficult Kylo could be.
Poe ordered the vanilla latte. There was something sentimental about the scent of it, and as they sat down at an empty table with drinks in hand, Poe wondered if Kylo remembered all the times this had happened before. He recalled endless memories of sitting in cafes with the man before him smiling big enough for the both of them as Kylo scowled over coffee he didn’t like, but drank anyway. This wasn’t the first time Poe had ordered sweet vanilla in hopes of holding on to something long gone.
“So are you in Washington long?” Poe asked as he settled comfortably across from Kylo.
“Just through the holidays.”
“Going back to New Zealand?”
“I was thinking Canada. I’ve always liked Calgary.”
“It’s a nice place,” Poe agreed. “What happened in New Zealand that drove you back here? Run out of money?”
“I was actually making very good money. I managed a housing settlement agency.”
“Really? That’s impressive. If it wasn’t money, what was it?”
“A breakup.”
“No kidding?” Poe said, eyebrows raised. “Bad enough that you came all the way back to Washington?”
“Bad enough that I ended up in the hospital.”
“T-the hospital?” Poe stuttered. “Like, because of him?”
“We fought a lot,” Kylo nodded. “But we had a house together, and had been together since… Well, pretty much since I moved there.” What Kylo didn’t say was, Since us , but Poe heard it. Kylo left for New Zealand only months after he and Poe split up.
“Fought like, fought fought?”
“Physically, yes.”
“Did you call the cops? Was he arrested?”
“It wasn’t one sided,” Kylo said, sounding ashamed now, and just a bit hesitant. “I never started it, but I was usually the one to end it.”
“That’s still abuse, Kylo. You should have--”
“Told someone?” Kylo interrupted. “I did. But all my friends there were his first. He was the only person I knew there. So I left. And it’s better now.”
Poe was quiet for several moments, watching Kylo sip his bitter coffee, his expression guarded. Finally Poe sighed and said, “Well, I guess now I understand why you weren’t super keen on the whole ‘seeing your ex’ thing.”
Kylo chuckled, lowering his shoulders a bit. “When I considered running into you at the grocery store, or running into him, you seemed the lesser of two evils.”
“I’m flattered,” Poe laughed, sipping his coffee. Kylo smiled as well, his subtle little smirk. Poe had spent years trying to pass Kylo’s unspoken tests. He knew when he succeeded.
Outside the cafe, full of caffeine and fighting the crowd, Poe said, “Before we find the others, mind if I do a bit of shopping?”
“You haven’t even gotten Rey and Finn’s gifts yet?” Kylo asked.
“I suck at Christmas, okay? It won’t take long.”
Kylo flapped a hand at Poe, urging him to go on. Poe lead the way once more, Kylo behind him like some great, sulking shadow.
After picking up a candle and a new flexible water bottle for Rey, Poe found himself at a loss for what to get for Finn.
“Help me out here,” Poe said as he and Kylo strolled around an outdoor recreation store. “I need a gift good enough that he knows I care about him, but impersonal enough that is says, ‘I don’t care that we fucked that one time’.”
“I knew it,” Kylo triumphed, though the inflection of his voice barely raised. “I knew there was something between you two.”
“You’re only saying that because I just told you. You wouldn’t have guessed on your own.”
“You’re forgetting that I’m well acquainted with the way you look when you’re head over heels for someone.” Kylo twisted a thermos in his hands, considering it carefully. Poe watched him just as closely, marveling at how bizarre it felt to stand alongside him again.
“Yeah, well, I’m not in love with Finn. It was a one night stand.”
“Right,” Kylo placed the thermos back on the shelf and turned toward Poe. “And how well does a one night stand work when you live with them?”
“Hey now, I’m aware it was a bad decision, I don’t need you to rub it in.”
Kylo sniffed, turning his nose up petulantly. Poe rolled his eyes at Kylo’s familiar dramatics. “Get him something for the house. That’s sentimental enough in that it acknowledges that you’re friends and that you live together, but not overly personal.”
“Good call,” Poe said. “We’ve been talking about wanting a blender.”
“Blender it is.” Kylo shooed Poe toward the kitchen supply store across the way. One blender and a, “ Where are you? ’ phonecall later, Kylo and Poe met back up with Rey and Finn, who were less than pleased.
“You guys could have at least told us you were leaving,” Rey scolded.
“You guys could have at least taken me with you ,” Finn whined.
Kylo and Poe just shrugged and fell into step behind the other two as if they had never left.
-
That evening, back in Rey’s yellow kitchen, she pressed hot drinks into Kylo and Poe’s hands, insisting that her newest discovery was “an alcoholic game changer”. After more than a few of Rey’s whiskey apple ciders, Poe was hardly bothered by Rey and Finn’s giggling departure to her bedroom. He was too busy studying the curve of Kylo’s lips, once so familiar to him. He wasn’t Poe’s first kiss, nor his last, but there was still something special about him. There was a spot in Poe’s heart for all his past lovers, but the box with Kylo’s name still felt raw somehow, like it had only just been locked away.
Poe felt heartsick as he watched Kylo lean back in his chair at the counter. Poe was at his now familiar perch beside the stove, his feet swinging against the cabinet. Kylo’s smile showed more frequently when he was drinking, his shoulders less tightly wound. Poe finished the last gulp of his cider and cleared his throat.
“You know when you’re kind of drunk, and you want to say something, but you aren’t sure if you really want to say it, or if you’re just too drunk not to know better?”
Kylo stayed quiet, watching Poe with curious eyes.
“But then you tell yourself that it doesn’t really matter because even if you regret it tomorrow, you can just brush it off as a drunken confession even if you were already thinking it when you were sober?”
“Poe…” Kylo began slowly. “Before you say whatever it is you’re going to, I want you to remember that I just got out of a bad relationship. I’m not looking for anything , serious or not, right now.”
Poe laughed, but it was a nervous, breathy laugh. “No, it’s not… Not that kind of confession.”
Kylo nodded, watching,.
“I just, I never… We broke up. And I thought that you just needed space, and then we’d be friends again, but you just up and left. All the way across the world. And every time someone would ask where I would travel if I could go anywhere, I would always say New Zealand, and I would make something up about it being because of Lord of the Rings filming locations, but really it was because of you. Even if that wasn’t consciously why I said it, I know deep down that’s why.”
Poe sucked in a rush of air, his confession spilling out in a single breath. Poe struggled to steady his breathing, and quell the fear bubbling in his stomach. He refused to meet Kylo’s gaze.
“I don’t know what you want me to say to that,” Kylo said finally. Poe laughed, and shrugged.
“Me either. I guess I just wanted you to know that.”
They held each other's gaze, cheeks flushed from the hot cider and their own apprehension.
“I’m sorry I ruined New Zealand for you,” Kylo said, his voice dry but the twitch of his lips betraying the fondness he felt for Poe.
“Eh,” Poe said with a shrug. “Sorry I ruined Washington for you .”
The smile that passed between them was nothing short of reconciliation. It was a smile that said, New Zealand is still beautiful , and, I’ve always missed Washington winters .
Poe chewed his bottom lip, considering his next words carefully. Too eager and he would scare Kylo away, too casual and he would think it a joke. Poe sucked in a deep breath, and said, “You wanna go make snow angels?”
“Snow angels,” Kylo deadpanned, looking unaffected by the question. Just as Poe’s heart fell in disappointment, Kylo said, “Only if we make a snowman, too. I’m not putting my coat on just for a snow angel.”
“Okay,” Poe nodded eagerly. “Yeah, sounds good. I’ll go get my boots.”
Kylo caught Poe’s eye as he reached the kitchen doorway, giving him a curious look. It was a mix between Are we really doing this? and Fuck, we’re really doing this ; a contrast of apprehension and excitement. Poe only winked and resolved to hit Kylo with a snowball the first chance he got.
-
“So, uh, you and Kylo, huh?” Finn asked as they drove home early the following morning. Too drunk and exhausted to drive, Poe spent the night on Rey’s couch. Though he wasn’t certain, his assumption was that Finn had spent the night far more intimately.
“Forget me and Kylo, what’s up with you and Rey? You guys do the do yet?”
Finn bit his lip, trying to restrain a smile. That was all the confirmation Poe needed.
“Hell yeah dude!” Poe cried, throwing one fist in the air in a cheer. Finn laughed and tightened his hands on the steering wheel. A tinge of jealousy burned in the pit of Poe’s stomach, but it disappeared quickly as Finn said, “I want to know about you and Kylo, though. Is there something… there?”
“Well, I mean, there used to be. We haven’t seen each other in a long time though. There’s a lot of catching up to do. So, it’s hard to tell.”
“Do you think you guys will get back together?”
“No,” Poe said. The disappointment in his voice surprised them both. “He’s moving to Calgary.”
“Huh,” Finn said as they pulled onto their street. “Well, Rey seems to think it’s good for him to see you again.”
“Why’s that?”
“Apparently he’s been pretty distant for the last couple years. Like, it’s amazing that he even reached out to Rey when he needed a place to stay. I think she’s hoping if something happens between you two he’ll be more likely to stick around.”
“I don’t think he needs anything to ‘happen’ right now,” Poe said. He knew how Kylo handled things. He worked through the bad on his own, and rejoined society when he wanted to. It wasn’t always a healthy management plan, but it was the way he’d always been. “But I’m okay with being his friend.”
“What happened between you two anyway?” Finn asked as he parked the car. They climbed out, bags from yesterday in their hands and shoes covered in clean snow.
“Nothing too bad. We had communication issues, he was heard to handle sometimes, so I broke up with him.”
“Wait--” Finn said, looking shocked. “ You broke up with him ?”
“Yeah,” Poe said, knocking the snow from his boots against the door frame and raising an eyebrow. “Why?”
“I just totally got the feeling it was the other way around. He seems, I don’t know, so negative . I just assumed it was him, I guess.”
“It’s all a front,” Poe said, dropping to his knees to greet the Jack Russell Terrier that bounded forward to meet him. After the usual amount of belly scratching and a ‘Didja miss me?’ interrogation, Poe stood back up and began removing his coat. “Anyway, what was I saying?”
“It’s all a front,” Finn prompted.
“Right, yeah, it is. Kylo can be kind of a dick, and he complains a lot, but he isn’t that bad. Or at least he didn’t use to be. We had a lot of really good times. And I know it sounds cheesy, but there’s never been anyone quite like him, before or after.”
“You’re right, that was cheesy.”
“Fuck you,” Poe laughed, shoving Finn’s shoulder and wandering toward the kitchen.
“Sounds to me like you still kinda like him, man.”
“Well, yeah, I never stopped liking him. He just kinda… disappeared on me.”
“When he moved to New Zealand?”
“Yeah, I mean, when you break up with someone, there’s always that moment about a month later where you wonder if it was the right choice. Usually it is, you know, you broke up for a reason or whatever, but when I had that moment it didn’t matter what I decided because he was already 7,000 miles away. I guess I never got the kind of closure I was looking for.”
Finn nodded sympathetically. Poe shrugged and looked away. He meant what he said. There had been many empty nights for Poe, imagining a different version of his life where he hadn’t broken Kylo Ren’s heart. Poe had grown a lot in the years since -- Kylo surely had too -- and he had learned a thing or two. The unfortunate part about learning was that it came from experience, and to learn about what was truly good in his life, Poe had to experience the bad first. In the people Poe had met since Kylo, in the beds he’d shared and the dates he’d grown tired of, Poe had never met anyone who fit the way Kylo had. There had been plenty of bad in their relationship, but not enough that Poe wanted him to flee across the world.
Poe wondered if Kylo had learned a similar lesson. He wondered if the bastard who bruised him was cruel enough to send Kylo back toward the light, toward someone who would treat him well. Or if maybe all that pain had hardened Kylo’s heart, if he was beyond repair. Poe thought of the hunch to Kylo’s shoulders, the bitter coffee on his tongue. He also thought of Kylo’s tiny smirk, though, and the way it matched the crooked smile on their drunken snowman living in Rey’s garden.
There was hope, Poe thought. He could bring Kylo home.
-
[From: Unknown Number]
Rey is visiting her parents. Coffee? -K
[To: Unknown Number]
You changed your number! Also, sure.
[From: Kylo]
It’s been 5 years. That shouldn’t be a surprise. Come pick me up?
[To: Kylo]
Be there in ten :)
Kylo emerged from Rey’s house wearing his black pea coat, a long red scarf draped around his neck. The ends hung low near his thighs, and Poe rolled his eyes at the theatricality of it all. The scarf wasn’t wrapped tight enough to protect from the wind, nor was it thick enough to provide any warmth. It was an accessory only, and so very like Kylo that at ignited nostalgia in the pit of Poe’s stomach.
“Remember that time we went sledding and you didn’t want to wear snow pants?” Poe asked as Kylo climbed into the passenger seat of Poe’s truck.
“There was hardly any snow out, I didn’t think I would need them,” Kylo said, brushing a few flakes off his shoulders and straightening his long legs out in front of him. He appreciated the extra space the truck offered compared to Rey’s tiny car.
“We were going sledding . There was tons of snow outside.”
“We were nineteen,” Kylo countered, fiddling with the heat controls. “I thought my jeans would suffice.”
“You mean you just wanted to look good while sledding.”
“One of us had to,” Kylo sniffed, abandoning the heater to fiddle with the radio.
“Right,” Poe snorted. “Because you looked so great when you were soaking wet and whining on the ride home.”
Kylo only pursed his lips and changed the channel again. He flipped through all of Poe’s presets before switching the radio off all together and returning to toy with the heater. Poe watched his nervous movements and felt a pang of sympathy.
“That was a fun day though. You know, even with the wet clothes.”
The corner of Kylo’s mouth quirked up and his hands paused for just a moment. “You almost broke your leg on that stupid ramp someone made.”
“I liked that ramp,” Poe protested, pulling into the parking lot of a cafe he and Rey would visit on occasion.
“I’m sure you would have like it less if I would have had to carry you to the car because of a shattered kneecap.”
“Oh whatever,” Poe laughed, shutting the door as he climbed from the truck. “You would have loved that. A chance to be my knight in shining armour? You would have eaten that shit up.”
Kylo smirked again, ducking inside the cafe after Poe. He brushed the snow off his shoulders once more, but hadn’t noticed the frozen flakes in his hair. Poe admired the contrast of the tiny specks of white in Kylo’s inky hair. It gave him a delicate look, cold yet fragile. Kylo didn’t noticed Poe staring as he frowned at the menu.
Kylo ordered a red eye, just as before. Poe ordered a vanilla latte, because if Kylo was going to be stubborn so was he. They found a table near the window where they could watch the snowfall. The cafe was mostly empty, and the radio softly hummed music into the quiet space.
“Does it snow in New Zealand?” Poe asked, watching the flakes melt in Kylo’s hair.
“Yes. It’s beautiful there when it snows,” Kylo said, watching the road disappear below a sheet of white. “Winter is in July, though. It’s probably scorching there right now.”
“Guess you get two winters this year, huh?” Poe smiled, tearing his eyes away from Kylo and glancing out the window, sipping his coffee.
“Guess so,” Kylo agreed. “Calgary has nice winters, too.”
“Why Calgary?” Poe asked. “Do you know someone there?”
“Not a soul. That's why it’s so appealing.”
“I don’t get how you can just… leave .”
“And I don’t get how you can stay,” Kylo mimicked, turning his gaze toward Poe. There was something challenging in his eyes, like he wanted Poe to get angry. Poe only shrugged.
“I have a family here. Technically you do, too.”
Kylo snorted.
“No, really. I know you don’t get along with your parents, but I’m not talking about them. You have Rey. And, well, me if you want me.”
Kylo didn’t respond, but he didn’t look away either. His face didn’t display much emotion, just the rapid flicker of his eyes as his focus shifted between both of Poe’s pupils. When Poe nudged his lips into an encouraging smile, Kylo responded by tracking the movement with his eyes, tracing the curve of Poe’s mouth.
“I don’t know,” Kylo said finally. “I can’t make any promises.”
“That’s about what I thought you’d say,” Poe chuckled, taking a long drink from his latte, and staring out the window once more. “Just give it a few weeks. If you don’t want to stay with Rey you can stay with Finn and I until you get your own place.”
“Oh yes,” Kylo smirked. “That would in no way be awkward. It’ll be fun, see how many of Poe’s concubines we can fit under one roof.”
“ Concubines ?” Poe snorted, looking both completely appalled and amused. “Is that really the word we’re using now? You couldn’t have said ‘ex-boyfriends’?”
“You made it perfectly clear that you and Finn never dated,” Kylo countered.
“Oh my god,” Poe rolled his eyes, “You’re killing me, Kylo.”
Kylo only smirked again, turning away from Poe and watching the snow. Poe followed his gaze, and sipped his coffee.
“Hey remember when you threw broccoli at me on the porch of your parent’s house?” Poe spoke fondly, as if the memory wasn’t completely unbefitting of the calm, collected man before him.
“Are you only going to remind me of events in which I was the one at fault?”
“Yeah. It’s your job to call me on all the bad things I’ve done. That’s how this conversation goes.”
“Oh really?” Kylo watched Poe, whose smile was directed at him even though he still stared out the window. “Well then I take your broccoli story and raise you the time you broke Ackbar’s wrist playing lacrosse in the street.”
“I still feel bad about that,” Poe muttered. “Okay, my turn, that time you slapped your dad’s motorcycle while you were drunk and he accused you of scratching the paint?”
“That was bullshit, I didn’t do a thing to that bike.”
“I know, pal. I know.”
The conversation carried on, through the highs of, “That all nighter we pulled at Twin Falls?” through the lows of, “When you had to repeat your Intro To Philosophy class because you hated Hume?” For Poe, it was as though he climbed higher with each story, each scowl or smirk he teased out of Kylo was another foot toward the peak of some looming mountain. When he started their game, he thought the summit would be Kylo agreeing to stay in Washington. Poe was mistaken, and the true success came when Poe drained his mug and stood to get another.
“Grab me one?” Kylo asked, and Poe nodded, flashing a thumbs up.
“Red eye?”
“No, I’ll have what you’re having.”
Poe grinned as he approached the counter, ordering two vanilla lattes, and considering it a victory.
-
Kylo was talkative the entire ride to Rey’s house, but slammed his mouth shut as they pulled into the driveway. He didn’t get out right away, just turned down the radio and looked at Poe. Poe raised an eyebrow and waited.
“What are you doing on Christmas Eve?” Kylo asked. He would have sounded demanding, if it weren’t for the slight hesitation in his voice before he said ‘Christmas’.
“Finn and I usually watch Die Hard and get drunk. Why?”
“Rey is going to a dinner party at… Well, at my parent’s house.”
“Oh,” Poe said, understanding Kylo’s hesitation. “You’re more than welcome to join Finn and I. It’s usually a pretty good time, sometimes we break out the--”
“No,” Kylo interrupted. He did that a lot. Poe pursed his lips and waited. “I was… I actually wanted to ask if you wanted to join me .”
“Oh,” Poe said. “ Oh .”
“Finn can come, too. And it’s only dinner -- well, lunch really, because we eat pretty early--”
“I’ve been to Christmas dinner with your parents before, remember?” Poe said gently, hoping to put an end to Kylo’s nervous babbling. The anxiety of asking his ex boyfriend to his parent’s house for dinner mixed with the surplus of caffeine in his veins lead to the shaking of Kylo’s hands, the panicked look in his eyes.
“I know that. I just…” Kylo trailed off with a shrug.
“They invited me to Christmas dinner even after you left, you know?”
“ What ?”
“Yeah,” Poe chuckled. “It was a little weird.”
“Did you go?”
“Well, I was pretty used to spending Christmas with them at that point. And they missed you, and I was the closest thing to you that they had. So, yeah, I went. I went to Thanksgiving, also, and your mom’s birthday, but things just got kind of weird after that.”
The scowl on Kylo’s face wasn’t the playful kind that Poe was used to. His eyes were hard, his upper lip twisted in a sneer. Poe leaned back, confused by Kylo’s sudden change in emotion.
“Lovely,” was all Kylo said, voice vacant.
“Wait, are you mad at me for going?”
“Well it’s just completely fitting that they found the next best thing as soon as I left, isn’t it? Couldn’t have me so I guess you’d fill the empty seat nicely.”
“It wasn’t like that and you know it,” Poe bit back. He rarely rose to Kylo’s taunts, meeting his mood swings with a level head and realistic views instead of anger. But this was different. Kylo was twisting something Poe did out of compassion into something malicious. “They would have rather had you in a heartbeat.”
“Right,” Kylo snorted. “Don’t pretend like they didn’t like me best when I was with you.”
“They liked us together because you were happy, Kylo. It had nothing to do with them liking me better -- which is absurd by the way, your parents love you more than anything. They were heartbroken when you left. Everyone was.”
Kylo turned away, staring at Rey’s house through the fogged windows of Poe’s truck. He wanted to climb from the vehicle and leave Poe behind. But the crooked faced snowman in the garden caught his attention, the ragged scarf around its neck almost invisible under the freshly fallen snow.
“Okay,” Kylo said finally. He let out a sigh, and turned back to Poe. “Okay, I’m sorry. I overreacted.”
“That’s not a surprise,” Poe said, sounding bitter, but smiling just a tad.
“So will you go?”
“Do you really want me to?”
“If you don’t come with me, then I’m not going at all. So, I wouldn't really call it a ‘want’ , more of a ‘ if I have to ’, but yes.”
“Always so charming, Kylo. Yes, I’ll go.”
“Good.”
“And if we leave early we can still fit in that Die Hard marathon.”
“You sure know the way to my heart,” Kylo smirked.
“ Die Hard ?”
“Leaving early.”
“Get out of here, you pessimist,” Poe laughed, shooing Kylo from the car. Kylo smiled, not just a crooked smirk but a toothy grin, before ducking from the truck. He trudged through the snow to Rey’s front door, useless scarf swaying in the winter breeze.
-
Poe prided himself on being a timely person. He was prompt to respond to texts, rarely late for work, and he certainly wasn’t ever late for Christmas dinner at his ex boyfriend's parent’s house. Finn, however, did not share these same ideals.
Technically, that wasn’t true. Finn was usually on time, but after waking up late, forgetting to pick up wine for the hosts, and having to rewrap Rey’s gift after BB-8 shredded the paper, they weren’t doing too well on time.
The first text Poe received from Kylo was relatively calm:
From [Kylo]
Are you on your way?
The second was a bit more frantic:
From [Kylo]
Are you even coming?
And the last was downright rude:
From [Kylo]
I knew you would throw me to the wolves. The least you could do is give me a response.
Poe hopped into the driver's seat of the truck, finally situated to get on the way. As Finn climbed in and buckled his seatbelt, Poe tapped out a reply.
To [Kylo]
I didn’t ditch you. We had a lot of technical difficulties. On our way now. PS: I’d never throw you to the wolves.
The drive was short, and painfully familiar to Poe. Finn chatting nervously in the passenger seat was the only reminder that he hadn’t been hurdled back into the past, that he wasn’t nineteen and nervous to meet his boyfriend’s parents anymore. That time had long since passed, but the anxiety was present all the same. It was different now, though. It wasn’t Han and Leia he was worried about impressing, it was Kylo. There was something cathartic about the reversal.
The latecomers didn’t hesitate to knock on the door, shivering on the porch. It opened almost immediately, Rey grinning at the pair, before her smile faded into disappointment. “You’re late,” she scolded, yanking them inside. The atmosphere in the spacious house was warm and comforting. garland hanging from the doorways and a stout Christmas tree positioned in the corner of the room.
Han and Leia emerged from the kitchen, Han wearing his familiar frown, and Leia an eager smile. The tiny woman crossed the room quickly, passing her wine glass to Rey as she threw her arms around Poe’s neck.
“Ben said you would be coming,” Leia said. “I was absolutely thrilled. It’s been so long.”
“It has been,” Poe agreed, and hugged her back, the greeting familiar.
When Poe and Leia separated, Poe gave Han a smile and a nod. Han returned the greeting. Rey busied herself with dragging Finn into the kitchen, telling him he absolutely had to meet her father, and Poe began removing his coat.
“Is Kylo here?” Poe asked Leia, who still stood near the door with him.
“I’d almost forgotten that you called him by his ridiculous nickname,” Leia chuckled. “He was in the dining room last I saw him.”
“He asked me to call him by it,” Poe said with a shrug. He knew what ‘in the dining room’ was code for. The bar, always fully stocked, was in the dining room. If that’s where Kylo was hiding, he was likely drinking alone.
“Of course he did,” Leia said. “I’m so glad he’s back. He hasn’t said much to me or his father, but just having him around it so…”
Leia trailed off, giving a soft shrug. Poe studied her, her now gray hair twisted into soft curls, her emerald green dress just as stunning as always. Poe had loved Leia like his own mother, and missed her just as much as he’d missed Kylo. Watching her now, standing in the same foyer he’d stood in before, he thought about how much she missed her son, how much they both had.
“He’ll warm up,” Poe assured her, placing gentle hands on her shoulders. “He’s just nervous to see you guys. I’ll help get him talking.” Poe punctuated his promise with a swift kiss to her cheek. As he dropped his hands from her shoulders, Leia caught them in hers.
“He’ll be thrilled to see you’re here. The way he kept checking his phone, I only assume he was waiting on you.”
“I’m sure he was,” Poe laughed.
“I just have one question,” Leia started, and Poe bit his lip through a smile, anticipating her next words. “Is he here for you, or for us?”
“Honestly, a bit of both. We aren’t dating, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Leia gave a knowing nod, and Poe met it with a smirk. Leia was a mother, and there was no hiding anything from mothers. Poe just gave her a quick wink, and stepped around her in search of the dining room. Sure enough, Kylo was there, leaning against the oak wood bar, tumbler in hand. The shining amber liquid looked a bit like whiskey to Poe, and while he wasn’t surprised that Kylo was drinking, he wasn’t exactly happy either.
Kylo looked up as Poe entered, and narrowed his eyes at the other man. Poe ignored his withering look, and plastered a smile on his face.
“Drinking already, huh Benny?”
“Don’t call me that,” Kylo hissed, nose wrinkled in disgust. Poe just laughed, and walked around the bar, surveying the alcohol.
“Whiskey before four pm? You’re looking for trouble tonight, aren’t you?”
“I had to find some way to cope,” Kylo drawled, sipping his alcohol and holding Poe’s gaze.
“I really am sorry about being late,” Poe said sincerely, pouring himself his own glass. “We had to stop at the store, and that was a madhouse, not to mention the present debacle--”
“It’s okay,” Kylo cut him off. “At least you came.”
“Right,” Poe tossed back his first gulp of the whiskey, diluted with water and ice. “Your mom was happy to see me.”
“I bet she was. You were all she could talk about from the minute I said you were coming.”
“Jealous?”
“Hardly. Kept the attention away from me.”
“I thought you liked being the center of attention?”
“Hmm,” Kylo hummed, smirking. “Usually I don’t mind. But when all anyone could ask about was what happened to the attorney general I was seeing in New Zealand, I was less than eager to discus.”
“Oh, right, yeah.” Poe wondered how much everyone else knew. Knowing Kylo, he had told them they broke up and nothing more. Poe didn’t exactly know details, but he was almost positive he knew more than anyone here. “I can see that would be a problem.”
Kylo shrugged, taking another drink. He finished the last dregs of his glass, and began to walk around the counter to pour another.
“How many have you had?” Poe asked. Kylo stopped his movements, considering for a moment.
“This will be my third.”
“Jesus,” Poe laughed. Kylo was a steady drunk, more open and kindhearted perhaps, but never sloppy or talkative. It was hard to tell when Kylo was in a bad state. “You really are aiming for disaster tonight.”
“Tonight was going to be a disaster whether I drank or not,” Kylo huffed.
“You’re so dramatic.”
Kylo rolled his eyes and took a long drink from his cocktail. Poe sipped his also, but resolved to make it his only one of the night. Between him and Kylo, somebody had to be sober enough to keep them both in line, and it was looking like tonight was Poe’s night.
“We should go join the party,” Poe encouraged. “Hiding in here is probably raising a few suspicions.”
“Trust me, the suspicions are raised. Mother already asked me half a dozen times if I was staying with you.”
“She asked me something similar,” Poe laughed. “What did you tell her?”
“The truth. I said I wasn’t in town long, and that you and I are just catching up. It isn’t my fault if she chooses to believe catching up means swapping saliva .”
“God Kylo, you make everything sound so gross.”
Kylo smirked, and nodded toward the doorway leading to the kitchen. Poe grabbed his glass and lead the way out the door. Kylo followed behind him, his own drink in hand and his shoulders hunched.
The kitchen was alight with energy. Leia twirled, preparing food. At the table sat Han, Rey, Finn, and a man Poe could only assume was Luke Skywalker, Rey’s father. Rey and her father lived in Europe for all of Rey’s young life, and only moved back to the states once Rey decided to attended college there. Seeing as they had family in Washington, it seemed the smartest place to start. Rey fell in love with the soft fog and lush green forests, and so they stayed. It was then that Rey met Finn and Poe, and the rest is history.
Poe had thought a lot about coincidences in the last few days. He wasn’t sure it was chance that Rey was related to Kylo, and that he had been back in town at just the right time. Sometimes, it was exhausting to sum all of that up to good fortune. Sometimes, it was nice to believe in destiny.
Also scattered about the kitchen were some people Poe recognized, like Aunt Maz, who spoke to Han’s old friend Chewbacca, and others he’d never seen, like the fashionably dressed young man drinking wine and chatting with a brunette near the window seat. Poe lingered near the doorway, and Kylo lingered near Poe.
“Who are they?” Poe asked, nodding toward the pair near the window.
“They work with Mother. Her name is Jessika, I think. I don’t know who he is.”
“Have you talked to them?”
“No, and I don’t intend to.”
Poe glanced at Kylo, caught sight of the tight press of his lips and the way he held his glass so forcefully his fingertips were pressed white. On the surface, Kylo was collected, but he had enough nervous ticks to betray his anxiety.
“Okay, that’s fine.” Poe shrugged, sipping his whiskey.
“Incoming, four o’clock,” Kylo warned. Poe turned just in time to see Maz approach, her intense gaze more than making up for her small stature.
“Poe Dameron, is that you?” Maz called, excited as she adjusted her round glasses on her wrinkled face.
“The one and only,” Poe greeted. “How you doin’, Maz?”
“Just fine,” Maz said with a wave of her hand, as if dismissing his question. “I’d much rather hear about where you’ve been hiding.”
“I’ve been around,” Poe shrugged. “Graduated from University of Washington, work as a flight specialist for a transportation company in Lacey now.”
“Absolutely wonderful. Making good money?”
“Enough to survive. I’m happy there.”
“Good, good. I keep telling Leia to bring you around here, but she never calls. Glad you could make it tonight, though. Glad you could bring this one, too,” Maz said, pointing a finger at Kylo, still lurking behind Poe. Poe glanced to Kylo, whose face was completely passive.
“Technically, I think it was him who brought me,” Poe laughed.
“Technicalities mean nothing to me, you know that,” Maz countered. She smiled at the both of them, and told Poe they would talk more later, before disappearing back to her spot with Chewbacca.
“I missed Maz,” Poe mused, turning to look at Kylo. Kylo just gave a single nod and took another drink of his whiskey. “She’s quite the character.”
“She used to scare me when I was a kid,” Kylo admitted.
“She still kind of scares me,” Poe laughed.
“I’ll agree to that.”
Leia caught Poe’s eye from across the room, giving him a kind smile. He grinned back. Kylo watched the interaction, feeling both nostalgic and anxious. He was happy Poe was here, happy Poe drew attention the way he did, and that standing behind the smaller man he all but sunk into the shadows. People tended to ignore Kylo when it was Poe they could be noticing, something Kylo both detested and appreciated.
“It’s weird being back here,” Poe said. “Weird to think it’s been five years.”
“I can’t decide if it feels like a long or a short time in between.”
“Exactly,” Poe nodded excitedly. “Part of me feels like I was here just yesterday, but another part feels like I hardly know these people anymore.”
“Bet you never thought you’d wind up back here.”
Poe watched Kylo, and Kylo watched his family. They were, in a lot of ways, Poe’s family too. As a young and orphaned boy, Poe had found such solace in Kylo, in his parents, in the offbeat and crooked aunts and uncles that surrounded him. He was a part of a family so much bigger than Poe’s singular self, and he’d latched on as tightly as he could. He screwed it all up, though, and now was a second chance.
“Bet you never thought you’d wind up back here with me ,” Poe countered. Kylo only nodded, and hid his smile behind the mouth of his glass.
-
Poe sat between Kylo and Finn at dinner. There was a joyous passing of rolls, and wine splashed on the table as Kylo tried to pour himself a glass. Poe quickly took the bottle, a bit unsteady in Kylo’s hands, and poured Kylo his glass, passing on pouring his own, and handed the bottle to Finn. Kylo gave Poe a thankful nod, and Poe smiled before turning to Han who was asking about what specifically being a flight specialist meant.
Just as details of his insurance paperwork got boring, Leia changed the subject to Rey’s job offer as an IT specialist at a bank downtown. From there they discussed Maz’s inability to use cell phones, and Jessika’s offer to help her set up a voicemail. Jessika’s boyfriend, who Poe learned was named Temmin Wexley, lead that into a conversation about a time Leia had accidently pocket called him and left an hour long voicemail, which sparked Luke into talking about a bogus cellphone company he had to deal with in France.
As way lead to way, and the conversation spun about the table, Kylo stayed quiet, sipping his wine and watching Poe grin at his family as if they were his own. It wasn’t until Han said, “I hear they’ve get a ton of snow in New Zealand. Is that true, Ben?” that Kylo paled and choked on his wine. Poe watched him with concern, waiting for his reply.
“Yeah, uh, there, well,” Kylo attempted a response, but faltered under everyone’s expectant gazes.
“He told me all about their winters,” Poe pipped up, swooping in to save Kylo from having a panic attack right there at the table. “Apparently they’re absolutely gorgeous. And , they’re in July, isn’t that weird? I mean, I bet that they think it’s weird that our winters are in December, but that’s beside the point.”
“I had an ex-boyfriend who lived in Australia, and he said that Christmas is marketed completely different there, because, well, no snow,” Jessika added, and the conversation swayed away from Kylo, ushered out by Poe and his regurgitation of their conversation from the coffee shop. Everyone knew what Poe was doing, saw the way he lept at the chance to direct the conversation away from the nervous man before him. Nobody asked Kylo anything directly for the rest of the night, for which he was thankful.
He was also thankful for Poe, sitting pretty beside him, pouring Kylo’s wine when his hands shook too much to pour it himself and shooting him reassuring smiles in between witty remarks. Kylo recalled the dark looks he’d given Poe when he saw him that first evening in Rey’s kitchen, thought about how short he’d been when Poe tried to make him laugh. His heart ached, and he took another long drink of wine.
-
After helping with the dishes, and exchanging last minute gifts, Kylo swept in close to Poe. He was starting to show signs of the copious amounts of alcohol he’d drunk over the course of the night. His shoulders weren’t as hunched, but his stance was not nearly as steady as usual, either. His speech was still clear, though. He smelled like whiskey and cologne, as he leaned in close to ask, “Are we still watching Die Hard tonight?”
“Did you want to?” Poe asked.
Finn stood beside Poe, close enough to hear Kylo’s question, and interjected by saying, “Hell yeah we are! It’s tradition.”
“Guess that answers your question,” Poe laughed. “When do you want to go?”
“Sometime before my mom corners me for an interrogation,” Kylo said, almost pleading.
Unfortunately, Kylo could not be so lucky. Leia caught him standing by the door, wrapping his red scarf around his neck and readying to leave. Poe was trapped in a conversation with Jessika, who he found he liked quite a lot, and couldn’t escape to save Kylo from his fate. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Leia spoke to Kylo. Kylo listened carefully, and didn’t say much aside from single word comments and short nods.
When Poe saw tears well in Kylo’s eyes, he considered ignoring social niceties all together and abandoning Jessika in favor of protecting his friend. But Poe knew whatever was being said needed to be heard, and he reserved himself to watching Kylo wipe his nose sorrowfully. Poe ended his conversation with Jessika as best he could in any case, figuring he was likely a poor conversational partner seeing as he was all but staring at the front door.
Poe found Rey and Finn leaned against the kitchen counter, saying their goodbyes to Luke. They turned to him as he approached, and Rey smiled as she said, “Ready to go?”
“Um, yeah, in a bit. Kylo is talking to his mom.”
“Uh-oh,” Rey said, eyebrows raised. “What kind of talk?”
“Not the happy kind. He’s pretty drunk, too. I’m a bit worried about the whole situation.”
“I bet,” Rey nodded. She turned to her father, hugging him goodbye and promising to stop by on New Year’s Eve. Finn said goodbye also before Rey herded them toward the hallway. They didn’t head all the way to the door, where Leia and Kylo still talked, but stopped near the hall closet where Rey’s jacket was. She opened the door, blocking their view of Leia and Kylo, and stepped inside, rooting for her jacket. She pulled both Finn and Poe close as well, and ducked her head to speak to them, hidden partially in the tight space as though she were about to reveal some great secret.
“Are we going to end up on cheer up Kylo duty tonight?” Rey asked, looking between the two men.
“I thought we were already on cheer up Kylo duty,” Finn said. “I thought this whole week has been cheer up Kylo duty.”
“It hasn’t been that bad,” Poe argued. “And besides, I think he’ll be fine. If not, I’ll drive him back to Rey’s, and he can just go to bed early or something.”
“I just don’t want it to be a problem, you know? If he’s drunk, and upset, maybe we shouldn’t be watching a bunch of action movies.”
“To be fair, the only thing to watch when you’re drunk and upset is action movies,” Finn pointed out.
“It’ll be fine,” Poe repeated. “Maybe you two should ride in the Honda, and I’ll take Kylo in my car. No offense, but if he’s going to talk to any of us about what’s bothering him, it’ll be me. I’ll make sure he’s okay, and if he still wants to come to the marathon, I’ll head home. If not, I’ll take him to your place,” Poe finished with a nod to Rey.
“Good idea,” Rey agreed. Finn nodded as well.
Just as the pair shut the closet door, Leia passed them on her way back to the kitchen. She raised as eyebrow at the sight of all three of them spilling out of the tiny coat closet, but waved the question away.
“It was great seeing you two again,” she said to Poe and Rey, before turning to Finn. “And it was lovely meeting you. Will you three be back for the New Year’s Eve party?”
“Maybe,” Rey said brightly. Finn shrugged.
“If you can make it, I’d love to see you all. Oh and Poe, one more thing.” Leia waited before continuing, prompting Finn and Rey to mutter something about warming up the car, and darting from the house. They passed Kylo at the door, who stood stock still with his shoulders hunched and eyes dark.
“What’s that?” Poe asked once they’d gone.
“I know you and Ben aren’t dating, but I just wanted to say, it’s lovely to see you two back together again. He always was so happy around you. You’re welcome here anytime, Poe. Remember that.”
“I’ve never forgotten,” Poe said softly, a sad smile on his face. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now go on, and have a Merry Christmas.”
Poe pressed a quick kiss to her cheek, and gave her a tight hug, before meeting Kylo at the door. Kylo swayed a bit as they stepped into the cold air, but didn’t say a word. Poe chattered on about how good it was to see everyone, and Leia’s cooking being grand as always, but it was all background noise. He knew Kylo wasn’t listening. He didn’t expect him to. Kylo had his own thoughts to occupy himself with, but hearing Poe’s voice was grounding.
The car was freezing as they climbed in, and Poe turned the heat up as high as it would go with shivering hands. Kylo sunk into his seat, jacket wrapped tightly around himself, face pale and lips trembling with cold. Poe waited until the air had warmed just a bit before pulling away from the curb and clearing his throat.
“So…”
“So,” Kylo deadpanned. It wasn’t a question, barely even an acknowledgement that Poe had spoken. Poe was quiet for several moments, thinking over what to say next.
“Are you okay?” Poe said finally. Kylo didn’t answer immediately, instead he stared out the window blankly, his heart heavy. He had to clear his throat twice before he could speak, and even then it was wet with emotion.
“No.”
“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“You know what I’m going to say.”
“Say it anyway.”
Kylo took a deep breath, his eyes cloudy with alcohol and unshed tears. He hated that he had drank so much, and he hated that it was so goddamn cold outside, and he hated that he had to try so hard not to cry. Kylo hated , just hated , everything in that moment. He supposed that was a side-effect of love.
“I didn’t mean to hurt them so much,” Kylo began. “And I don’t-- I don’t think they’ll ever forgive me. Not entirely, anyway. A-and she is just so scared that I’ll l-leave again.”
Poe listened to Kylo’s stuttered speech, the hesitant pauses when he searched for the right word. Poe didn’t need to look at him to know he was crying. He waited, letting Kylo finish, hoping he didn’t tear himself apart too badly in the process.
“I didn’t tell her about C-calgary. She thinks I’m staying, and I don’t know how to tell her I’m n-not. She wasn’t mad like I thought she’d be, she was just so s-sad, and I missed her so m-much but I don’t know how to stay. I’ve never known how to s-stay anywhere.”
Kylo wiped his eyes with a cold hand, sniffing loudly and tightening his arms around his stomach, like he was holding himself together. Poe glanced at him from across the cab, before tapping his blinker briskly and pulling off to the side of the road. Poe put the truck in park outside of a gas station, closed for Christmas. Kylo blinked heavily at the still landscape before him, confused as to why they’d stopped. He turned to Poe, focusing on his shaky outline.
“Keep going,” Poe urged. “Tell me why you left.”
“I left because I didn’t know what else to do. I was angry, and h-heartbroken, and I thought everyone would be better off if I left. But I was w-wrong, and I knew that as soon as I got there. But I wanted it to work, I wanted to be happy there. It was so far away, I thought I could have a completely d-different life. I missed them though, mom and dad and f-fucking Maz and everyone.”
“Why didn’t you come back as soon as you realized that?”
“Because I thought I was in l-love,” Kylo sounded angry now. It was dark, and mixed in with the sorrow, but there was something akin to resentment in his voice. “And he had a fancy f-fucking job and pretty fucking eyes and then he hit me and I said it didn’t matter, and now I’m here with nothing because I kept saying it didn’t matter.”
“But it does matter?” Poe phrased it as a question, but they both knew it wasn’t. Of course it mattered. Kylo wouldn’t be sitting here sobbing in the cab of Poe’s truck if it didn’t matter.
“It mattered more than anything,” Kylo choked. “I ran away, and tried to be h-happy, but the only thing that made me happy tried to k-kill me, and I should have come home but I was too proud, and too scared.”
“Are you still scared?” Poe’s throat felt tight. He knew Kylo needed to talk about this, knew that it was best to get it all out of him now, but it hurt to listen to him spill these confessions. Poe wanted to shut him up, to hold him close, to stop all of this.
“Yes,” Kylo whispered. He glanced up at Poe, wiping his eyes again. “I don’t know how not to be.”
“That’s okay,” Poe said. “It’s okay to be scared, as long as you accept help. Will you accept help?”
“From w-who?” Kylo asked. Poe hadn’t considered that it might matter who, that Kylo only cared about certain people, only wanted love from a select few.
“Me?” Poe asked, hoping he chose right. Kylo swallowed thickly and nodded once.
“Y-yeah. Yes . Please.”
“Then you have me. For as long as you need me.”
Kylo watched Poe, searching his face for any indication of deceit or false promise. There was none though, only vulnerability and warmth. And so much fondness that it hurt. Kylo reached for his seat belt with cold fingers, struggling with the clasp. Once he managed to remove it, he lurched forward, cupping Poe’s face in his large palms.
For a moment, only a fraction of a breath, Poe considered going for it, considered letting Kylo kiss him senseless, drunk and broken hearted in his truck on a freezing Christmas Eve. But Poe was an honorable man, and knew that what Kylo wanted now would be desperately at odds with what he wanted come tomorrow. Poe pulled away, throwing his hands up to press against Kylo’s chest, keeping him at bay.
Kylo watched him with panicked eyes, and attempted to pull back in a halting movement. Poe dug his fingers into the front of Kylo’s jacket, holding him still. “Wait,” Poe said, freezing Kylo with a single word. Kylo watched, hands still on Poe’s face, expression trapped and wild. “Not right now. You’re drunk, and you’re sad, and I want this, I promise I do, but I want it when you want it. And I know that that’s not right now, no matter what the whiskey says.”
After living submissive for the last five years at the hand of a cruel and forceful partner, Poe’s promise was enough to send Kylo back over the edge. Poe was so gentle, so kind, and it broke Kylo’s heart all over again. This time when he sobbed, Poe didn’t ask any questions. He just pulled him in tight, let him lay his head against Poe’s leather-clad shoulder and buried his nose in Kylo’s inky hair.
They stayed like that until every window was fogged, and Kylo had cried enough to make up for the last five years of heartache. Poe traced circles on his back all the while.
From [Rey (of Sunshine)]
Everything ok? Are you guys coming to the house?
Rey’s text was what finally drove Poe to nudge Kylo back into his seat. Kylo gave him a thankful smile as he buckled his seatbelt back up, and tried to arrange himself into something akin to order. Poe chuckled as he flipped down the vanity mirror, poking at the puffy skin beneath his eyes.
“Such a beauty queen,” Poe teased, tapping out a response to Rey.
To: [Rey (of Sunshine)]
Heading home now. Everything’s fine. Just needed to talk.
Poe pulled away from the curb, and toward their apartment. It wasn’t until they were climbing from the truck that Kylo spoke again. He caught Poe’s wrist as he turned off the ignition, holding him still in his seat for just a moment.
“Wait,” Kylo said, swallowing once. “Just… Thank you.”
“Yeah,” Poe said, lips twisted into a tiny smile. “Of course. It’s what I’m here for.”
Kylo smiled back, soft and sincere. They climbed from the truck after that, and ducked into the lobby, trying avoid the icy winter winds. Once inside Poe’s apartment, they shed their coats and ignored Rey and Finn’s complaints about waiting to start the movie. Poe flapped his hand in their direction, pointing at Kylo a asking, “Anything to drink?”
“Water?”
“Sure thing,” Poe nodded, trudging to the kitchen. He could hear the opening credits of the movie from the living room as he grabbed Kylo and water, and himself an iced tea. When he returned to the living room, he spotted Rey and Finn tucked onto the loveseat, blanket over their laps. Kylo was sitting on the larger of the two worn couches, bare feet tucked under him and knees pulled tight to his chest. BB-8 was sniffing at his toes, and there was a tiny smile on Kylo’s face as he watched the excited dog. Poe tossed Kylo the water, and collapsed on the couch, a solid distance between them. Poe was perceptive enough to know that, for now, Kylo wanted space.
He had also known Kylo long enough to know the space wouldn’t last. Under the dimmed lights, the television blaring dialogue Poe knew by heart and muttered under his breath, Kylo shifted closer to Poe. He unfolded his long body from it’s cramped position, and slid along the leather, shoulder bumping Poe’s. Poe smirked, but kept his eyes fixed on the screen.
Kylo didn’t ask for permission, nor did he in any way communicate what he was doing. He simply took the comfort he sought from Poe, lifting his companion’s arm and curling up beneath it. Poe was receptive to the motion, shifting so Kylo could better burrow against his side.
Poe continued reciting lines under his breath, and Finn and Rey cheered at their favorite parts. Kylo let his eyes slip closed, safe and warm beside the man he once loved. Or maybe, it was the man he still did. Kylo couldn’t be sure anymore.
-
The light of Christmas morning filtered through gently falling snow, ending softly on a group of young adults, barely more than kids, sleeping in the living room of a shared apartment. Finn and Rey lay sprawled on the floor, wrapped tightly in scratchy quilts and utilizing throw pillows in place of something softer. Rey slept on her back, mouth hung open, and Finn laid beside her, their hands intertwined and resting on Rey’s stomach.
Poe had a crick in his neck from sleeping slouched in a mostly sitting position, Kylo was stretched out along the length of the couch, his head pillowed on Poe’s thigh. Poe had one hand resting on Kylo’s ribs, gently rising and falling with his steady breaths. His other hand rested on his own thigh near Kylo’s cheek, their fingers twisted loosely together.
When they awoke, they would exchange gifts, and tales of Christmas mornings long since passed. Finn would talk about the year he and Poe spent in a gross hotel in San Diego because they were seeing a concert there on New Year’s day, and Poe would talk about the last Christmas he remembered spending with his mom before she died. They would drink Irish cream in their coffees, and Kylo would complain about his hangover.
The morning would come and go, and somewhere in the midst of the best Christmas he’d had in years, Kylo would decide to stay, at least for another year. At least to see one more Christmas with the people who loved him, for better or worse.
The group would go on the celebrate New Year’s with Kylo and Rey’s family, and Kylo would get into a fight with his father, but they would make up over a cigarette on the back porch. Rey would have a serious talk with Kylo about rent, and his decision to remain living with her while he found a job. At midnight, Rey was Finn’s New Year’s kiss. Technically, she was Poe’s too, since she was drunk and feeling friendly. Kylo was sober though, and swooped in to capture Poe’s lips just before the clock reached 12:01, while it was still technically midnight.
But before all of that, before Kylo’s decision, and the Irish cream, and the New Year’s kisses, there was the morning sun, and the sleeping forms of four twenty-somethings ready to face the rest of their lives. And the best part was, they would face them together.