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"You had sex with him."
"Yes. Phew! You have no idea how good it feels to talk – Babs? Are you … are you grossed out right now? You sound a little grossed out right now. "
"You had sex with him."
"Are you shuddering?"
"Not at all, I – no, wait, no, I can't do this. Yes, Dick, it's gross, it's a little gross."
"…oh c'mon."
"Not because you're both guys, obviously, but … well, I was there from the beginning, and, you know, you and him … you've always had this creepy father-and-son thing going, and – "
"I … I like to think of it as a mentor/protégé relationship?"
"It was a little paternal, Dick."
"… or like, uh, kind of a big brother, little brother situation …"
"It was a little paternal, Dick."
"… spoilsport."
"He saw you grow up."
"So did you! And you didn't mind checking out my sixteen year old thighs - "
"Well … Yeah, but we were peers … "
"Okay so now you admit it!"
"Almost peers. He's not your peer. Or mine. Or … anyone's, as far as he's concerned."
"…"
"…"
"So … can I tell you how it happened?"
"Oh, Dick, ugh."
"Babs. Please. I have no-one to talk about this with! Now, obviously I can't go to Alfred, that'd just be awkward …"
"Do not go to Alfred. That sweet man is burdened enough as it is."
"And the Titans guys, I don't know, they've been side-eyeing my relationship with him from day one…"
"Yeah, I really can't imagine why."
"… and I feel like it'd be wrong to tell Tim - "
"Oh god, do not tell Tim. Leave that boy out of it. That poor kid has enough weird sexual hang-ups as it is, let's not spring that one on him too."
"I … wait. What sexual hang-ups? Why is this the first I hear about it?"
"Because you don't pay attentio – you know what, forget it…"
"No. No, really. Now I wanna know."
"Let's not … you know what, let's get back to your thing."
"You sure?"
"Yes, it's fine. You're not …you're not going to get into specifics, are you? Like the technical - … I honestly don't want to know. I mean. I work with the guy - "
"I get it. I won't. I promise. You're the best, Red. So, remember last month, when the whole city was in emergency lockdown because Hugo Strange went crazy and tried to kill everyone?"
"I think he was crazy before then, but … I ended up almost getting melted in a Cyber-Showdown with Cyber-Harley Quinn so yes … I remember last month."
"Great. So, me and him, we're down in the sewers in pursuit of Killer Croc, right? We crawl through the sewage for hours …"
"I'm already turned on."
"I can tell what you're doing. Stop sarcastically fanning yourself, Barbara! This is my life here!"
"I know. I know. Sorry."
"So … we get our guy, right, string him up -"
"As you do."
"As we do, and then we're on our way back. It takes us twice as long, you know, because some tunnels have collapsed during the fight. And we're both a little roughed up and we're kinda leaning on each other, so that's nice …"
"Mmmm. Post-battle wounded leaning. Yeah, okay, I can see that, that can be really nice."
"See? Now you get it! Anyway, we get talking, and it's honestly the greatest talk we've had in ages - "
"In the sewer. Covered in garbage."
"Yes! It was awesome. I could tell he needed someone to talk to. He seemed lonely, Babs. I mean, lonelier than usual. And exhausted, and stressed. And it's like … when's anyone going to offer him a shoulder to lean on, you know?"
"Yeah. I'm familiar with that ... whole thing."
"So I put my hand on his arm and I say, 'Hey, whatever it is, partner, you can always rely on me, I know you don't wanna hear it but I'm there for you always' …"
"As you do."
"As I do. And we kiss."
"You – what?! Is this the part where you start leaving stuff out, or …"
"Nope. I just… I honestly can't tell you, in hindsight, how it exactly happened. But it did. Suddenly, we're embracing. And he's kissing me. Passionately. Like, really passionately. And he's touching me like I'm Talia or Selina or someone, but it's my name he's …"
"OKAY. Skip ahead. Skip … skip ahead."
"All right. I'm starting to realize that he's totally ready to throw down right there, right then, and that's crazy, but … I cannot honestly say I was against it. It was one of those insane, adrenaline-soaked post-battle hookups, you know?"
"Yes. You're really good at those."
"Yeah. But I never … never in a million years would have thought it'd be him one day. But there we are. And I could tell that he hadn't been … you know, touched in a nice way in a long time. And that he wants to be close to someone, and it really … does something with me, I don't know. Everyone needs that sometimes, right? Even him."
"Yeah, and it gave you an opportunity to act on your demented mentor crush …"
"Exactly. I'm not gonna deny it. I was super into it. We find this spot, an abandoned temple by some cult – he knew where to find it – and it's dry there, and we take off our damp suits so it isn't really that gross, Babs -"
"I never … that's not the gross part. I never said that."
"Anyway, it's insane. He puts me on the altar, like I'm something sacred, and the way he kisses me -"
"Remember what we agreed on?"
"Oh. Okay, sorry. You can fill in the rest."
"I will most certainly not do that."
"Bottom line: we did it."
"Yes, Dick, I get that. No further explanation necessary."
"…"
"…"
"Can I at least tell you that the sex was really good?"
"I. Uh. You just did."
"I mean, not only the sex. There was … there was a connection there. It was tender. And slow. And with eye contact. You know how weird it is when you do it with eye contact the entire time?"
"I … know all about that."
"Well it wasn't weird with him at all. It was very moving. And the way he handled me, really carefully, like he thought I was so delicate. And he was so focused and grateful - "
"Specific. You're getting too specific again. Stop it."
"No, I mean literally, he said Thank You after. Imagine that. He's who he is and he thanks me. And again, it was really, really good. Both times."
"Dick!"
"Right, sorry. I felt so comfortable with him, I think I actually dozed off for a while, like on his chest, and when I wake up, he's perched above me, watching me sleep."
"I take it back. There's nothing at all creepy about you two."
"Don't be such a cynic. He was really sweet, actually, handed me my suit and says we should probably go. So we do. And we don't even talk about it, but it doesn't really feel as strange as I thought it would. Until … until we're almost back at the Cave …"
"Wait. The strange part comes now, is what you're saying."
"Yeah. We're … we're almost back, and I think hey, maybe I should say something, because it's always better to be open about these things, you know? Maybe we should sort out what that just was before we throw ourselves into the next crisis. I don't want him to think he's … obligated to me now, or that I expect something from him or whatever. So I go, 'Hey, listen, if this was a one-time thing, I totally get that. It happens to all of us. And it was great and I appreciate it, but if it never comes up again, that's fine!' And then he says …"
"…"
"…"
"Dick?"
"And then h-he says: What if it's not? And I go 'What'? And he looks at me, all intense, and goes, What if it's not a one-time thing?"
"…"
"…"
"Dick. Holy crap."
"I know!"
"What did you do?"
"I got scared."
"Yeah … that makes sense. I'm not being sarcastic. But what did you say to him?"
"I … I told him that I care about him and that this was beautiful, but that I'm not looking for a relationship at this time."
"You … You said that."
"Yes."
"To Batman. To his face. After he's made love to you on an underground altar."
"I … I know."
"Dick, that's rough."
"I know!"
"I don't get it. You love him. I mean, the fact that I think it's creepy doesn't make it less true!"
"I do. But … when I saw him give me that look, I realized … that if I ever agreed to that, it'd be … it'd be …"
"Forever?"
"… how did you know I was trying not to say that?"
"Because it's extremely obvious. You two can't hook up casually, Dick, you don't have casual sex with that man, it's not happening. You're in way too deep. It's all or nothing with you two, it always was."
"Damn, Red. You're wise."
"I know. And thank you. How on earth did he react to that, anyway?"
"Oh he was really cool about it. Not cold, but y'know, cool in a good way. He said he understands, and that I should do what I want, and that it's all good. But … well, he did have major poker face, so I'm assuming he was probably a little hurt."
"Of course he was! Dick, didn't you learn anything? But he … he said you were cool?"
"He said we're cool."
"Wow. Well. I guess I should thank you in the name of the entire Bat-crew for dodging that bullet, because if you two ever got started for real, none of us would ever hear the end of it…"
"Well. Um. That's … that's the thing though, I'm thinking of calling him."
"Oh. Oh, Dick. Oh."
"I can't stop thinking about it! I even called a couple times and hung up again. He probably knows it was me -"
"Oh, he knows."
"And I'm thinking, maybe I should give it a shot? See … see what happens?"
"Oh, for – then, what do you want from me, a blessing?!"
"I … I want you to tell me, as a reasonable person and as my friend, that this isn't a terrible idea."
"It's a terrible idea, Dick. But … you know what, do it."
"Really?!"
"Yes. First, you'll do it anyway, no matter what I say. And second … I'm getting a feeling that this is already a runaway train, so you might as well try and grab the controls now. Though I'm thinking someone else probably already did."
"What do you mean? Babs? Hang on, there's someone at my window - "