Chapter Text
Thursday, November 3rd, 1993
Sirius woke with a start from his dream, gasping for air before realising he wasn’t drowning. He was in fact on perfectly dry land, laying under his own silk sheets on his king sized bed in the nude.
Sirius groaned and squeezed his eyes shut in annoyance, partially from the memory of his bad dream and partially because of the migraine he just noticed he was suffering from. This dream wasn’t rare, actually commonly recurring. Hanging off the edge of a cliff, crying and pleading with someone above him to save him; Someone with achingly familiar amber eyes and tawny curls. He never did save him. Sirius would fall from the edge into the icy, churning waves below. He shuddered just remembering it.
Just as he was about to roll over and fall back to sleep, Sirius stiffened at the sound of a groan next to him, and the feeling of a warm body brushing against his side.
Peeking over his shoulder, Sirius saw a man in his bed next to him. The stranger was unfamiliar to him, but that hadn’t been uncommon in the past couple months. Sirius tried to recall the events of the night before but, unsurprisingly, he came up blank. That would explain his nauseating headache and the boozy smell on his breath.
The man had tan skin with a smattering of freckles that Sirius loved for their resemblance to someone he once knew, but that was where the similarities ended. His hair was far too blonde, far too short, and he was about the same height and build as Sirius from what he could tell. Not tall enough or slim enough. Sirius sighed, rolling out of bed and onto his feet.
Being quiet as to not wake his guest, Sirius threw on his red satin robe and gathered a lighter and a pack of cigs before tip-toeing out of his own bedroom towards the balcony in his living room.
The air was cold, biting against Sirius’ skin as he lit up a cigarette, taking a drag and exhaling it slowly from his nose. He had meant to quit, but he decided to wait a bit until he got out of the funk he was in. The eight year funk.
Sirius was startled out of his reverie by the sound of the phone ringing inside his flat. He cursed as he dropped his cigarette over the railing and down into the streets of London below. Grumbling in annoyance, Sirius slouched inside and to the kitchen where his phone sat on the window sill, still ringing obnoxiously loud.
“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius mumbled as he picked up the phone. “Dorcas, do you have any idea what time it is?” Sirius asked accusingly, squinting at the microwave clock. Eight in the morning. Far too early for his manager to be calling him, especially on a Sunday. Was it a Sunday?
A laugh came over the line, one so familiar Sirius’ eyes widened. “Good to hear from you too, Padfoot,” the man on the other end of the line said. Sirius could hear his smile, he could see it in his mind.
“Prongs?” Sirius said, his breath caught in his throat. “Shit, sorry, I thought you were my manager,” he said sheepishly, but James just laughed. The sound of it warmed Sirius’ heart.
“It’s alright,” James said, “I would be pissed if someone woke me up this early on my birthday, too. Happy birthday, by the way.”
Sirius blinked. Birthday? Was it already November?
Walking over to his front door, Sirius laughed in a way he hoped sounded casual. He opened the front door to see the paper, the date scrawled across the top in big letters. Thursday, November 3rd, 1993. Not even a Sunday.
“Thanks,” Sirius said, shutting his door and walking back to his kitchen. He leaned against the counter top, exhaling heavily. “Why did you call? I feel like it’s been forever,” Sirius said with a fond smile, “I’ve missed you.”
James sighed over the phone. “Yeah, I think it’s been… three months now? Last we saw you was for Harry’s birthday.”
Sirius sucked in a breath. Three months? That seemed far too long. He used to see James and Regulus nearly every day. Sirius swallowed.
“I guess it has been a while. I’ve been…” Sirius tried to think of a way to describe the drunken depression he’d been stuck in, but he came up blank. “Busy. I’ve been busy.”
Sirius could practically see James pressing his lips together in worry. “Reg has been worried about you, Sirius,” he said, “we’re your family. I know you don’t like to celebrate your birthday since… but, well, we were hoping you could meet up with us for lunch today. Lily has Harry, so we can talk as long as we want.”
Sirius slumped down so he was sitting on his kitchen floor, his back pressed to the cold cabinet doors. He bit his lip. He always dreaded his birthday. He used to love it, a day all about him to celebrate with those closest to him but… he could no longer spend it with the person he wanted to most. For the last eight years, his birthday had been spent in near solitude.
Discontented, Sirius realised he had no good reason to say no. He let out a sigh. “I think I would like that,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat, “just us three?” He wasn’t quite ready to face all the friends he’d cut off.
“Just us three,” James confirmed. “Does noon sound good? At Lorelai’s? It’ll be just like old times.”
Sirius shut his eyes. Lorelai’s Diner held so many memories, good and bad.
“Sounds good,” he said weakly. “Can’t wait.”
Sirius could hear James’ smile in his voice again when he spoke. “Perfect, I’ll tell Reggie. And Padfoot?”
Sirius smiled at the nickname. “Hmm?”
“I’m proud of you,” James said. “I’ll see you soon.”
Sirius felt tears try to well up in his eyes. He forced them down. “See you soon, Prongs.”
With a click, James hung up. Sirius let his hand fall to the floor, staring into space and mentally preparing himself for the emotional undertaking this lunch would be.
Four hours later found Sirius outside Lorelai’s Diner, smoking one last cigarette before he had to be subjected to the coddling of his brother and brother-in-law-slash-bestfriend. After the phone call with James, Sirius had gotten ready way too fast and had to sit in his living room counting down the minutes to noon. The stranger in Sirius’ bed had tried to sweet talk him when he woke up, probably hoping to start something with the world-renowned rock star Sirius Black. Sirius had just dismissed him, making up some lie about being too emotionally unavailable for any of that. Well, not actually a lie.
Still wearing his eyeliner from last night, his long hair thrown haphazardly up into a ponytail that hung down to his shoulders, Sirius had emerged from his apartment in skinny jeans and a torn up band tee, his favourite pair of sunglasses perched on his nose to complete the look (and because why the fuck is the world so bright? )
With a huff, Sirius blew out the last of the smoke from his cig, dropping the butt on the sidewalk beneath him and stamping it out with his boot before heading for the entrance of the diner.
Lorelai’s looked the same as it did eight years ago, and the sight of it made a lump form in Sirius’ throat. The red vinyl booth seats and checkered linoleum floors were just as shiny as always, and the walls were still covered in tacky, fifties-themed decor. One poster caught Sirius’ eye, a poster he had once signed with all his friends for Lorelai herself. “A poster signed by all five Marauders?” Lorelai had said, sarcasm dripping from her tone, “what an honour.”
Sirius ignored the poster and kept walking.
Tucked into a corner booth and chatting quietly over a coffee and a hot chocolate were Regulus and James. Sirius smiled. It felt like it had been years.
“Little brother,” Sirius called, Regulus’ head snapping up to look at him, “it’s good to see you. I’m sorry I worried you.”
Regulus had a soft and reserved smile as he pretended not to be relieved to see his brother. Of course, he still stood up to hug him when Sirius got closer. He was always a bit taller than Sirius, despite being the younger of them. The height difference was always jarring to Sirius, who would forever think of him as the same little boy who used to sneak into his room at night time after a particularly harsh scolding.
“I don’t know where you heard such a thing,” Regulus said, taking a deep breath with Sirius still in his arms. Then, he pulled back and held Sirius at an arm's length, studying his face for any differences. His eyes, reflective and wide like his older brothers, bore into Sirius’ soul. He felt guilty, but he didn’t know what for. “I’ve missed you, Siri.”
Sirius blinked to keep his eyes from welling with tears. The weight of the nickname only his brother called him weighed on his chest. He laughed airly to try to play off the emotions he felt. “Don’t be so sappy, Reggie. I’m here now.”
Regulus huffed but didn’t say anything else. They both sat, Sirius across from his brother and best friend. There was a long silence, Sirius looking anywhere but forward while James and Regulus seemed to have a silent conversation. Sirius wasn’t dumb. He knew this wasn’t going to be a carefree birthday lunch with his loved ones. He just wasn’t sure he was ready for their criticisms.
Finally, James spoke. “How have you been?”
It was an easy question. A simple question. Sirius thought of how he should answer.
Should he be honest? Oh, you know. I’ve just been slowly rotting from the inside out for the past eight years because I can’t forgive myself for letting him go. At least the alcoholism isn’t crippling yet!
He blinked. “I’ve been fine.”
James frowned.
“Sirius… it’s been eight years.”
Sirius sighed. Here we go.
“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I’ve counted down the days since he left me, and I let him? ” Sirius hated this. It was basically an annual thing. Sirius would finally think he was doing better, not drinking as much, not thinking about the past as much. But then his birthday approached, and he fell back to where he started. Then James and Regulus would worry and hold a sort of intervention and the cycle would repeat. He was tired of it. Couldn’t he be a pathetic drunk in peace?
Regulus winced. “What James means is… you can’t continue like this, Sirius. Remus was heartbroken too, but he’s doing better now! He’s taking care of his son and himself and–”
Sirius cut him off. “Obviously he’s doing better! He left me! Have you both forgotten that? It was his choice, he chose to leave me behind because he was a coward. ” There was venom in his tone, but he didn’t care. He was sick of hearing about how well Remus was doing.
“Padfoot, you need to move on. You need closure. You can’t continue on like this, you’ll die before your next birthday,” James said, reaching out to hold Sirius’ hand over the table. Sirius ripped his hand out of the grip.
“Maybe things would be better off that way,” he mumbled under his breath. Regulus heard him, though, and it certainly didn’t help things.
“ Don’t. Don’t you dare say that. We didn’t fight for years to escape that house just for you to give up because of a heartbreak.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “What is the point of this? I’ve heard this all before, it doesn’t make a difference. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same man that I was with…” he paused. “When I was younger.”
James cut in again. “Actually, me and Reggie were thinking of a way to help you. You need closure. You need to reach out to him and–”
“You can’t actually be suggesting that I try to talk to him. What would I say? Hey Remus, I know you’ve been living your best life for the past eight years but I am tragically and eternally mourning our love so if you want to give me closure so I can stop being a pathetic sack of shit that would be great! ”
Regulus stared at him blankly. He was used to these dramatics. “Are you done?”
Sirius just huffed.
James looked between the two brothers before continuing what he was saying before. “Our point is, if you could reconnect with him and become friends at the very least then maybe you’ll realise there’s no use in mourning anymore. And what better way to reconnect than with a group of old friends for moral support?”
Sirius' eyes widened. “James, what are you–”
“A comeback tour! We can get the whole gang back together,” James said, “You, me, Lily, Pete, and Moony.”
Sirius knew the use of that nickname was certainly purposeful. He narrowed his silver gaze at his best friend. “You’re insane.”
Regulus scoffed. He was angry now. For all the attitude Regulus held, Sirius could count the times his younger brother had been truly angry with him on one hand. Frustration and annoyance were commonplace, but real anger? That was rare. “Sirius, this is your last chance. We can’t keep doing this, it hurts us too. Do you know how hard it is to tell Harry that he can’t see uncle Padfoot because you’re too self-pitying to even try? Do you know how hard it is to see you struggling to get by after all we’ve been through together? Do you know how hard it is to watch you slowly kill yourself? ”
Sirius saw the hurt in his brother’s eyes. He swallowed hard. He never wanted to be the source of his brother’s pain.
James must’ve grabbed Regulus’ hand under the table, because he deflated a bit and looked at James with a thankful glance. Regulus sighed and turned back to Sirius.
“I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I know that more than anyone,” he said, smiling sadly at his brother, “but this is the last opportunity you get to be in our lives. We can’t keep trying to help someone who doesn’t care. Either you agree to at least try to reconcile with Remus, or you can bask in your own self pity for the rest of your life. Alone. It’s your choice.”
Sirius should’ve seen this coming. He knew that. Still, the ultimatum hit him hard in the chest. There was no question what he would choose, he knew that a world where James and Regulus weren’t in his life was not one he wanted to live in. Yet, the thought of seeing Remus again… of Remus seeing him? That was terrifying. His stomach was swirling with dread thinking of what he would say. What he would do. Did Remus miss him like he missed Remus? Did he care at all?
Sirius suddenly felt very ill, and it wasn’t from the hangover. His vision was blurring, and he realised soon enough that there were tears falling down his face.
James grabbed Sirius’ hand in a gesture of comfort, and this time Sirius let it be.
“You don’t have to decide now,” James said. His voice was a bit shaky.
Sirius shook his head. “No. No, I’ll do it. We can get the band back together, we can go on tour, we can… I can fix this.” His voice trembled, and the tears were not slowing down. “I’m sorry. Fuck, I’ve been so selfish. I… I don’t deserve you two.”
“Don’t say that. Sirius, we all make mistakes. You’ve been through a lot, but now you can heal. You can be happy again,” Regulus said, and his eyes looked a little watery too. The three of them probably looked crazy, all teary eyes and sad but proud smiles.
James cleared his throat.
“Now… we just have to convince Remus.”