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“And so I was thinking that next month, when you come down, we could go to that new Italian place that opened in town—”
“Next month?” It took a beat for Buck’s brain to rewind through the conversation. He’d only half been paying attention to his mom’s zoom call. In his defence, he had a pretty valid reason to be distracted; Eddie was in the next room, bare from the waist up and covered in a thin sheen of sweat as he worked on putting up a new bookshelf in their bedroom.
Shirtless Eddie was a sight Buck never really got tired of and Buck kept catching glimpses of him through the doorway; Eddie’s shorts were slung low, his hair was soft and curling from where he’d slept, and there was a trail of fading bruises around his neck from where Buck had been a little overzealous with his mouth last night. Buck felt a low tug of yearning in his gut just from the sight of him. He kept waiting for the constant want that he felt whenever Eddie was in the room to dull, but it only seemed to getting stronger. Because now Buck knew what the soft skin on the underside of Eddie’s wrist tasted like, he knew the little noise that Eddie would make when you pinned him down by the hips, he knew how his eyes fluttered shut when you tugged your fingers his hair—
“Sorry mom,” Buck said, with a cough. He forced his gaze back to the laptop where Margaret’s pixelated face was blinking at him with rapidly decreasing patience. In the corner of his eye, he saw Eddie pause in the doorway to smirk. He knew exactly what he was doing, the asshole. “What were you saying?”
“Next month,” his mom repeated. “It’s Mother’s Day.”
“Right.” Buck was aware; the date was circled on the kitchen calendar that he and Eddie shared. Plus, he’d already coordinated Athena’s gift with Harry and May. Their three person group chat had, for the last few weeks, mostly been Amazon links to perfume sets and screenshots of fancy looking candles that they thought Athena would like. He wasn’t sure when, exactly, they’d allowed him honorary Grant-Nash sibling status, but somewhere along the way, scrolling through their incomprehensible in-jokes and Gen Z memes had become a regular part of his day.
“I assume you’re coming to visit?” Margaret continued. “Maddie already said that she wouldn’t be able to make it. It’s her first real Mother’s Day with Jee-Yun, plus she mentioned something about Howard wanting to visit that woman—”
“Mrs Lee, mom. You know her name. You’ve met her multiple times.”
“Well, regardless, I just find it odd that the two of them would want to spend Mother’s Day with someone they’re not even biologically related to.”
Buck swallowed back his irritation. He let his gaze drift back to Eddie, who was squinting down at the Ikea instructions and scratching the small trail of hair over his stomach. Just knowing he was there calmed Buck’s pulsing nerves.
“They’re Howie’s family, mom. That makes them our family too.”
“I’m your family,” she said. “Which is why I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a visit from at least one of my children.”
Buck winced. There was no way she was going to like what he was about to say, so Buck opted to treat it the same way he would treat a burning building. He braced himself and charged head first. “Mom, I’m really sorry, but I’m not going to be able to make it either. I already have plans.”
Margaret’s eyes narrowed with suspicion. “That captain of yours is making you work?”
“No, but—”
“Did Maddie put you up to this?”
“Of course not—”
“Then what could you possibly have planned on Mother’s Day other than spending time with your mother?”
The truth was that their Mother’s Day had long been booked in advance; they were spending the morning with Eddie’s abuela and tia Pepa, and Helena and Ramon were joining them for lunch. After that, Eddie and Christopher were going to visit Shannon’s grave, a tradition they’d developed in the last few years, and Buck was going to use that time to stop by Athena and Bobby’s.
It probably wasn’t a good sign that it hadn’t occurred to Buck to make plans with his own mother. He had, at least, planned to send her a card.
He cleared his throat. “We’re, uh, spending some time with Eddie’s family. Then we’re going to Bobby and Athena’s—”
“Bobby and Athena?” Margaret went incredibly still, and Buck was instantly transported back to his childhood. Margaret had never been one to raise her voice, even when Buck was a kid. His dad did, sure. Phillip would swear and shout and slam things. He’d make sure everyone felt his anger. Margaret, though— Margaret was different. Margaret got cold and detached. She would slip behind this blank, impenetrable mask that Buck could never fracture. She would ice him out for days at a time, refusing to look at him, leaving the room when he entered or simply talking over him like he was invisible. Sometimes it would last weeks. The longest he ever endured was a whole month of frosty, unrelenting silence. He’d felt like a ghost in his own house.
He saw the same mask slip into place now. Even through the fuzzy screen of his laptop, it felt like there was a wall of ice between them. Buck used to want to claw at it, desperate to get through. Now he found that he simply didn’t have the energy. Still, that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.
“She’s not your mother, Evan,” Margaret said.
No, but I wish she was. The words were right on the tip of his tongue but he swallowed them back. Athena wasn’t his mother, no, but she’d sat by his bedside for hours on end during every one of his hospitalisations, tag teaming shifts with Bobby to bring him food and card her fingers through his hair. She took up the role of his chaperone for those few weeks that his jeep was out of service. For as long as he’d known her, she’d bought him a card for every one of his birthdays. She was the first person to pull him aside, look him dead in the eye and say, Buckaroo, what is going on with you and Eddie?
“That doesn’t mean she’s not family,” Buck said.
“Evan.” Margaret’s voice was barely louder than a whisper yet the tone of it cut right through him. “Your father and I have been making a valiant effort to stay a part of your lives. Even though we don’t approve of some of your choices, we’ve opted to take the higher road for the sake of rebuilding our relationship. Not that you have not made it easy.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Evan demanded, though in his gut he knew what she was talking about. Eddie. Buck still recalled the shuttered look on his parent’s faces when he’d announced that they were together. They’d tried to conceal it with polite smiles, but Buck had caught the distaste in their eyes. He’d weathered too many years of it not to.
“I think you know what it means,” Margaret said. She’d slipped into that tone again, all distant and clinical. “You’ve consistently made bad decisions in your career, your choice of friendships, your love life —”
“Now wait a minute—”
“But we have overlooked it, because you are our son. But you are not a child anymore, Evan. You can’t expect these people to play at being a family with you forever. They might be welcoming to you now but they have responsibilities of their own, responsibilities that don’t include being your escapist fantasy. Don’t Bobby and Athena have real children? Lives of their own? Yet you’d knowingly impose yourself on them, simply to escape dealing with your real family. Now, your father and I have been patient with you, but this is a two way street. You need to put in the effort, too.”
They’d come a long way, he and his parents. Their monthly zoom calls helped, but every now and then, something like this would happen and it once again felt like being knocked to his knees. It was why, he knew, Eddie always hovered whenever Buck had one of the calls scheduled. Why he now stood in the doorway, frowning at Buck’s laptop like he wanted to hurl it out of the window.
“Look,” Buck said, “I’m really sorry that we’re not going to be able to make Mother’s Day, but I can look at the calendar and speak to Eddie and maybe we can try to come down the following—”
The call cut so abruptly that at first Buck thought it was a technical glitch. He even dialled back, naively, like he thought he might be able to connect again. The call rang out. When he dialled a third time, it ended so suddenly that Buck knew she’d declined it.
Buck stared at his own reflection, stunned and embarrassed. He continued to do so until Eddie dropped into the seat beside him and closed the laptop screen.
“We don’t have to go to abuela’s,” Eddie said, softly. Their fingers tangled together, and he leant forward to press his lips to the crown of Buck’s head.
Buck couldn’t look at him. He was so warm and golden, and Buck loved him so much. He was mortified that Eddie had even witnessed that.
“No,” Buck said, blinking away the tears that were bitterly filling his eyes. He always cried when he was angry. “Christopher’s looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to it. We’re going.”
“She’s wrong, you know,” Eddie said. “About your choices. You’re smart, Buck. So smart and kind and brave. You put yourself in danger everyday to help other people, and your life is full of people that love you. If they don’t understand that, then that’s their loss, not yours.”
Buck buried his face into Eddie’s shoulder and let himself breathe.
“I think you should call Athena,” Eddie said, and Buck froze.
He knew his mom had mostly been talking in anger, but there was an air of truth to what she’d said. Buck did take up a lot of space in their friends' lives. He had a tendency to be loud and annoying. He knew he was always stressing out Bobby. He didn’t want to be an unnecessary burden, not to people who he loved so much, he—
“Buck,” Eddie insisted, and when Buck looked down, he was holding out his phone which was already dialling Athena’s number. “Go ahead. I’ll be here.”
#
“Hey Buckaroo.”
Athena always answered the phone like that; completely at ease, her voice tinged with the droll amusement she usually reserved just for Buck. She could have been in the midst of a car chase or charging down an alleyway in pursuit of a mass murderer and she still would have picked up his call in no less than three rings and answered in the exact same tone. In fact, she had, on multiple occasions.
“Hey ‘thena.” Buck took a slow breath. It was embarrassing, the effect that his parents still had on him even now as an adult. No one fucks you up like your parents, Chim had told him once. ‘Cause they’re the ones that wrote the blueprint to it.
Athena, of course, noticed the hitch in his voice immediately. “Buck? What’s wrong?”
“Maybe I’m just calling to talk about the latest episode of Housewives.”
It wouldn’t have been out of the ordinary. They spoke on the phone a surprising amount. At first, Buck only ever really called Athena to ask to speak to Bobby (in typical boomer fashion, Bobby never seemed to be in the same room as his own phone) but gradually their conversations developed into something separate from him; they often exchanged recipes and gossiped about work; Buck would call and ask for advice on Christopher; Athena would air her concerns about Bobby. And they laughed. Athena was funny, and she always seemed to be amused by Buck’s ramblings, and by the end of their calls, Buck always felt lighter.
“Buck,” Athena repeated. “Baby, tell me what’s wrong.”
Buck rubbed at his eyes. He’d asked Eddie to give him some space while he called, but now he wished he was here. “It’s uh… it’s okay that I’m coming to you for Mother’s Day, right? I don’t… I’m not intruding?”
“Intruding,” Athena repeated. He heard shuffling on the other side of the phone, like Athena had stopped what she was doing. “Where on earth would you get that idea?”
Buck paused. “Just— if you would prefer to spend the day with May and Harry, I totally get it. It’s cool. There’s no hard feelings, I can drop by another time. Of course, May, Harry and I did go three ways on your present so, like, maybe you could Facetime me while you open it? But if you would prefer not to, that’s fine too. You can let me know if I’m overstepping and I’ll back off, I swear.”
“Buck,” Athena said, slowly. She no longer sounded amused. She sounded— well, she sounded pissed . “What exactly did your parents say to you?”
Buck’s stomach sank. “How did you—”
“Oh I recognise that particular brand of poisonous venom when I hear it,” Athena said. “And I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this specific bite came from someone 5ft and blonde. Did Mrs Buckley say something to make you think we don’t want you here?”
That was another thing; Athena always referred to Buck’s parents as Mr and Mrs Buckley, never your mom and dad. She was always respectful, so Buck had never really thought too much about it, but now he was beginning to think it was intentional.
“She just said that you probably don’t… that I might…”
“That your being here is overstepping.” Buck couldn’t see Athena’s face but he could envision the hard line of her mouth. “Buck, answer me this. The date in question is Mother’s Day, right?”
Buck blinked, taken aback by the sudden change in conversation. “Is that a trick question…”
“And correct me if I’m wrong,” Athena continued, “but mothers typically spend the day with their children.”
“I mean… yes? That’s the general idea?”
“So since you’re my child, and as we’ve already established that the day is, in fact, Mother’s Day, how could you possibly think that your being here would ever remotely be considered an intrusion?”
Buck swallowed. Once. Twice. His eyes burned with tears.
“Evan Buckley, listen here,” Athena said. “I may not have birthed you, but you’re one of mine. And you’re one of Bobby’s. Hell, Michael’s too, probably, if it came down to it. You’ll always be wanted here, and for as long as you want it, there will always be a place for you. Do you understand?”
Buck nodded before he remembered that Athena couldn’t see him.
Athena knew him too well, of course, because she said, “I need to hear you say it, Buckaroo. Tell me you understand.”
Buck laughed, wetly. “Yes,” he answered. “Yes, ma’am, I understand.”
“Good. It’s okay if you forget that sometimes. If you need to be reminded, you can just call me and Bobby, and we’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it.”
“Thank you,” Buck said. He felt stupid and embarrassed, but the relief was instantaneous. He collapsed back against the couch, and he felt two arms wrap around his chest from behind, tight and steady. Eddie kissed the crown of his head and let his hand rub a circle over his heart until it began to calm.
“You’re welcome.” Athena’s voice had dropped back to the low, casual tone again. “Now can I expect to see you on Mother’s Day? I’ve already ordered those brownies you like and Harry will eat them all if you’re not there.”
“You really want me to?” Buck asked, quiet.
“Yes, Buck,” Athena said. “I really want you to.”
“Then yeah,” Buck said. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”