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All relationships are built on trust. That is what Teru told Akane when they first met, a fact he reaffirmed when the nature of their partnership became something more obscure. That truth went double for them, as the two of them had every reason to spill each other’s blood. Teru, an exorcist raised to hate supernaturals and all those affiliated with them; Akane, a human thrust into the world of supernaturals. Teru hated hopeless romantics like Akane, and Akane hated egotistical tyrants like Teru.
Against all odds, their rivalry drew them closer together. It gave them each something to live for when they weren’t sacrificing themselves for the ones they loved. Akane didn’t particularly enjoy talking about anything unrelated to Aoi, but his hatred for Teru made him feel something on weeks when life looked dull. The line between hate and love can become blurred when both are fueled by passion, so when things didn’t work out with Aoi, it was only natural he began to view Teru in a different light.
No, that’s not right. It isn’t a love driven by hate, it’s embarrassingly soft and unconventional. The only hate present is the hate Akane feels towards how the appalling revelation that Teru brings out the best in him. Teru isn’t intimidated by his worst days the way Aoi was, he accepts him the way he is with only mild teasing. The violent harassment has also died down since they started dating, now that Teru has come to think of Akane as more of a boyfriend than a rival. In turn, Akane makes more of an effort to understand Teru, reaching out to him in a way he never did before.
It happened at the worst time possible, a betrayal to the girl he wasn’t ready to give up on. He was too concerned with her disappearance to worry about her rejection, but it stayed in the back of his mind while they looked for ways to save her. Then the shrine happened, a glimpse into who Teru was beneath the charming smiles and sadistic tendencies. A confession, that he was never after the girl Akane liked, but Akane himself. Everything slowly fell into place after that, they became a pair without having to address it beyond trust. When Teru first used the word “boyfriend,” Akane barely batted an eye.
It had been going well, until Akane ruined everything. He chose the Clock Keepers over Teru- not that he had much of a choice. It was the last thing he wanted, but he had an obligation to side with them. There was no telling what they’d do if he didn’t obey them, that’s a risk he wasn’t willing to take. Despite every vow he ever made, his loyalty was not to Teru. His own man could never trust him as much as the Clock Keepers could, and Akane will carry that guilt for the rest of his life.
Once Teru’s trust was broken, there was no restoring it. Akane broke his one and only rule, and now he pays the price of solitude. He has lost the man who once completed his soul, without him he feels like half a person.
He thought he was doomed at first, but Teru offered a solution. A way for the both of them to affirm their loyalty to one another, this time with a greater understanding of the nuances involved with trust. They both have their priorities and obligations, but at the end of the day they are on the same team. As long as they remember that, nothing can break their bond.
Akane knew that it didn’t make a difference to Teru whether it was his choice or not, it hurt him all the same. With that in mind, he never expected him to be so forgiving, even with a catch. He’s still struggling to wrap his head around that part, as some things about Teru remain a mystery to him. He has a keen eye for seeing through people, and the answer rests on the tip of his tongue. He would love to sit down and really analyze it, get to the bottom of why Teru is suddenly going easy on him. It would save him from potentially walking into a trap.
In his current situation, however, Akane is more concerned with the aforementioned catch.
“You look pale.”
Teru sounds unreasonably giddy for someone standing in such a dark place, face illuminated by a low-hanging light. The room is filthy, the floor smeared with strangely colored blood. No doubt the blood of supernaturals, mixed with exorcist blood drawn from the ones who fought back. The walls are slashed with claw marks, creating canyons in the pristine wood. There’s a medical table behind them that Akane has been avoiding looking at, the only clean surface in the room.
“I thought that was the goal.”
Various weapons and torture devices are scattered across tabletops, shoved into far corners, and left out in the middle of the floor. He doesn’t even want to think about what the closets are for.
His (ex?)boyfriend only smiles, a mimicry of reassurance. He steps away from whatever he was setting up by the operating table, still blocking Akane’s view of the area. He moves with a distinct calmness that can only be described as unsettling, like the look a host gives you right before telling you he poisoned your meal. Akane ate the poison right out of Teru’s hand, willing and eager, so he has no right to feel fear.
A hand touches his face, scarred but soft. “I didn’t bring you here to scare you.”
Akane glares. “That’s the cherry on top for you.”
“I’m doing this too,” he reminds him, for the umpteenth time. “If there were anything to be scared of, don’t you think I’d be shaking?”
He will be, once it’s Akane’s turn to leave his mark. Teru’s safety had been his immediate concern when this…ritual…was first suggested. The guy’s a douche, but Akane would never want to hurt him, especially when he doesn’t deserve it. But Teru insisted that he wanted them to be equals, that he wouldn’t feel right about it if Akane were the only one to suffer tonight. This was meant to be a display of romance, not control. That makes his intentions even more dubious, though Akane’s trying not to dwell on that.
He looks to Teru’s eyes for any hint of an answer, something that might help this all make sense. He searches for a weakness, because for all of Teru’s strengths, he is full of them. Any sign of the emotions Akane knows he possesses.
He finds nothing.
“Battle scars are nothing new for you,” it’s a pathetically low dig, but it’s the truth. “I didn’t have much practice being used as a punching bag before I met you.”
That gets him a reaction, a quick flash of hurt and guilt. He knows there’s nothing Teru hates more than hurting the people he cares about, and he never expected to care about Akane. He only takes his stress out on supernaturals and, for a brief period, Akane stopped being a supernatural to him.
“I don’t know many men who would openly call themselves punching bags.”
Akane isn’t sure when he started referring to himself that way either. Maybe he only said it to hurt Teru. Does he really think of himself that way?
It doesn’t make much of a difference, this is about Teru. He’s the one who’s trust has been broken, and here Akane is bringing up old problems to make him feel bad. If either of them are going to regret this, it will be Teru. Akane is getting more out of this than he is, which is why none of it makes sense.
“Nevermind.”
“Hmm?”
“Let’s just get on with it.”
“Someone’s excited,” he teases. “Eager to let Akane-san know I’m yours? Or do you want revenge on me for going out with her?”
He’s been trying hard not to think of the alternate timeline, how everything was so different yet somehow better. All except for one thing, Teru and Aoi’s engagement. That nearly drove him to betray the Clock Keepers, all to keep those two far away from each other. He’s happy that they’re back to being friends in their current reality, but seeing the two loves of his life together in another world was too much for him to bear. He couldn’t decide who he was mad at, which hurt more. He thought he was over Aoi, but he couldn’t help but feel-
Of course it was Teru he was jealous over. That’s his boyfriend, the man he’s in love with. Aoi isn’t capable of loving him in the way he wanted, so Akane would be an idiot to still feel sentimental towards her. He’s still her best friend, and he’s ready to support her whenever she falls for someone. One-hundred percent ready.
He scoffs. “It was one date.”
“It was an engagement,” Teru corrects. “Are you angry I got to be with the girl you used to love?”
“And you still couldn’t make yourself love her.”
Normally, Akane is able to let go of Teru’s petty remarks, but he knows better than to bring up Aoi. She’s important to him, even if they aren’t together, and his feelings for her cannot be written off as a phase. Not when he loved her his entire life, right up until the moment she asked him to move on. He couldn’t continue loving her when he knew it hurt her. He wouldn’t have given up for anyone but her.
Teru’s sexuality is a touchy subject for him, more-so than it’s been for Akane. Aken thinks more about the person than the mechanics of it. It never made a difference whether the person he loved was a man or a woman, He would’ve still loved Aoi if she were a man, just as he’d love Teru if he were a woman. He would’ve gone out with Lemon if he were a woman, and would have taken Nene on that date with Teru if she were a man. He looks both ways before crossing the street, and before choosing a date.
But people expect things from Teru. He has to be the perfect son, the star student, the prodigy of his clan. In the eyes of most people, all those things involve loving a woman, which is the one thing Teru can’t do.
He trusted Akane with that pain, opening up to him like a flower in bloom. He told them all the things he swore to take to his grave, in desperate need of a shoulder to cry on. When Akane held him, he never expected to use those things against him someday.
Teru gives nothing away but the downward twitch of his lip, but that’s more than enough for Akane to know he crossed a line. It takes a lot to break Teru’s easygoing facade, but Akane has had a lot of practice.
“You don’t love her either.”
“I did at one point,” he twists the knife deeper. “That’s more than you can say.”
Teru pulls at his skin, light but sharp. “You love me now, that’s what matters.”
It’s just like Teru to ask for reassurance while doing something like this. Akane doesn’t know whether to laugh or hit him.
“If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be here.”
He reassures him anyway, because Akane has always been weak to the ones he loves.
“I know that,” he sounds far from convincing. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
His eyes soften a bit, a reminder that this is Akane’s boyfriend and not some twisted exorcist who’s out to get him. He tries to smile, but he doesn’t have it in him.
“I’d be a real pussy to back out now.”
Whatever, he doesn’t care that much. He’s here for Teru, because this is a melodramatic romantic ritual that will bring them closer together and those are right up Akane’s alley. He thinks. Nowadays he’s not really sure what he likes, what he dislikes. How much of his erratic behavior was caused by Aoi, and how much of it was an integral part of himself he’ll never be able to escape? He may never know. He’d prefer not to think about it altogether.
“You aren’t going to regret it in a few weeks?”
With the way Akane’s moods work, he’ll be an entirely different person by then. He might hate himself for doing this, and hate Teru in return. This decision could not only ruin his relationship, but his entire life. That’s why Teru gave him so much time to think it over, he didn’t want to take advantage of him in case Akane fell into the wrong mindset.
“I might,” he answers, honestly. “But there’s no way of knowing for sure. Ask me in a couple weeks.”
“Are you absolutely sure-”
“Enough with the questions, let’s just get this over with. No offense but I don’t exactly enjoy spending my Friday night in your creepy basement.”
“It sets the mood,” he squeezes his cheek again, softer this time. “The room isn’t giving you second thoughts, is it?”
“You’re not scaring me off that easily.”
Teru grins, morphing into the supervillain from a children’s book. “Good. You’re going first.”
He agreed to that beforehand, but the words still turn his stomach to lead. Gravity weighs heavier on him as he pushes himself off the table he’d been leaning on, feeling each fingertip slip away from the wood. It’s summer, but the air down here makes him feel like he’s standing naked in the snow. He instantly regrets his choice to wear short sleeves, although that should be the furthest thing from his mind right now.
He can hear every footstep echo as he makes his way towards the operating table, combined with the waves of blood rushing in his ears. All the moisture from his throat has gone to his palms, clenching in time with his racing heart. Phantom pain dances along his back, and he has to remind himself it’s only in his imagination. They haven’t even started yet.
He feels calm as ever as his eyes meet the ceremonial knife that rests on the tray beside the table. The handle is made of pure gold, adorned with sapphires at the center of both sides. If Akane had it in him right now, he’d call it gaudy. Very Teru in the worst way possible.
The proposal hadn’t intimidated him much when he first heard it, it’s something he considered doing with Aoi many times. All Teru wanted was for them to carve their names into each other. The cuts would be made behind their left shoulders, right across from their hearts. They would use full names, so if they ever broke up they couldn’t just find other people with each other’s given names and change the meaning. They would both receive the marks, because this isn’t meant to be revenge, it’s something to solidify their loyalty to one another. “Loyalty” seems to be Teru’s new word for trust. Or perhaps it means something more. His reasons are lost on Akane.
Akane goes first, because he’s the one who broke Teru’s trust. Teru’s convinced that if he went first, Akane would leave after giving him his scar. Akane has no reassurance that Teru won’t do the same, only the leftovers of fragile trust that remain between them.
He pulls his shirt over his head, putting it on the tray beside the knife. His skin breaks out in goosebumps as the cold air attacks him, but he powers through it. This won’t take too long, Teru writes his name every day. It can’t be that much different with a blade than with a pencil.
What a stupid thought, he isn’t doing himself any favors by sugarcoating reality. He’s about to have his boyfriend’s name carved into his back. His high school boyfriend. Not too long ago, he hated Teru’s guts. Now he’s letting the bitch brand him.
He lays across the table on his stomach, arms folded beneath his head. The firm cushion does nothing to relieve his tension, nor to warm him against the cold. His glasses have been abandoned for this occasion, so he has nothing to shield his vision against the bloodied remains of supernaturals that came before him. There’s a bloodstain directly below his head, if he peaks over the table he can look right at it. He wonders if Teru placed him here on purpose.
The warm hand on his back contrasts the cold of the table. Heat, comfort, humanity. Teru. He hates the way his heart still swells with love at the contact, seeking out Teru’s touch amidst all the uncertainty. It feels familiar, grounding. It doesn’t completely erase his gnawing anxiety, but it leaves him with the reassurance that he’s making the right decision.
This is Teru he’s dealing with. For every cut they give each other, they stick around to kiss the wounds. They aren’t doing this because they’re sure they won’t leave each other, but because they know they can’t. They are connected by something less tangible than a red string of fate, and far more concerning than any devotion Akane has felt in the past. Nothing will ever change that, not even if there comes a day when Akane regrets ever learning Teru’s name. He will remember it against his will, whether it’s written on his skin or not.
For better or worse, they always have each other’s backs.
His heartbeat does a double take when Teru reaches for the knife, twisting it around in his palm. His eyes have this strange glow to them whenever he holds a weapon, as though violence tastes better than any dessert he’s ever had. It’s very conditional for him, he loathes the type of violence he’s forced to carry out. He doesn’t take kindly to violence that ends in death, and least of all violence that is inflicted on him. Nonetheless, if it is his duty, then he will carry it out, if only so his siblings don’t have to.
The worst part about this is not the knife, but how good Teru looks holding it. It fits perfectly in his hand, long fingers wrapped around the hilt. His nails are chipped from combat, but he keeps them nicely groomed otherwise. He wears a jacket on top of his shirt, a foresight Akane envies. He looks good in long sleeves, though Akane has never been able to unravel why. He could write essays on Aoi’s beauty, but Teru is still a mystery to him in so many ways. He’s not too hard to figure out, not for Akane, but he still needs more time to get to know him completely. He wants to someday be able to say that he can read Teru like an open book.
Heat finally greets him with a slap in the face as he feels Teru crawling to kneel over him, knees on either side of his hips. He knows it’s for better access, but the immature part of his brain still has to bite back a number of jokes. On a much different note, being beneath Teru like this almost feels like being held. It further eases his worries, though he knows it won’t last for long.
He looks over his shoulders to meet Teru’s eyes, finding the knife instead. Sharp and silver, his worst enemy that he’s about to become very familiar with. The threat of the knife looks starkly different from the reassuring smile Teru is giving him. Someday he will take that knife out of Teru’s hand for good, forcing him to slow down. Until then, they must endure the product of each other’s vices.
Teru runs a hand down his neck, giving his shoulder a brief massage. “Ready?”
He sucks in a breath. “Go ahead.”
To Akane’s surprise, Teru leans down, kissing the area he’s about to cut like providing sanitizer before a finger prick. It’s gentle and reverent, a kind of worship Teru reserves only for Akane.
Time slips into a vacuum, moving at an agonizingly slow rate. He counts the seconds that pass between the moment Teru pulls away and the moment the blade touches his skin. It lasts less than a minute, but it feels like hours. He lives every millisecond as he analyzes every detail of Teru’s face, his arm as it comes down, the knife in his hand, the temperature of the room. It all feels too real to him, and he comes to the conclusion that he will never forget this moment. He will remember every detail of it into old age, if he makes it that long. He may never leave this room, confined to the memory of Teru’s unapologetic smile when he slices his skin.
His romanticism spills down his back along with the blood, leaving his body when he needs it the most. The only thought he can form is that this hurts, hurts like shit. Not very eloquent, but all other words feel fuzzy right now. It’s not the worst pain he’s felt, not after having a stinger driven through his stomach, but this form of pain is drug out. That’s a far worse torment in its own right.
The feeling that stands out the most is, unexpectedly, the burning. It stings like salt to a wound, and it doesn’t help that Teru has to cut deep enough to make it scar. He lectured him beforehand on how deep to drive the knife, remaking him practice on a piece of fruit. At the time, it didn’t look that deep, but now that he feels it down to the bone. That can’t be possible, Teru isn’t cutting that deep. Still, it feels like he’s being skinned alive. The feeling of the blade moving beneath his skin is nauseating.
This is fine though, he doesn’t care. It’ll all be over soon. He wishes the kanji for Teru’s name wasn’t so detailed, but at least it will look nice.
He grips the sides of the operating table to keep from fighting back. He thinks he’s screaming, but he’s not completely sure. He can’t hear himself over the pain. He can’t hear Teru either, but he knows he’s talking. Something between comfort and taunting.
Through all the hurt, he vaguely registers that his back is wet. He doesn’t usually sweet this much, especially not in a freezing room. Did Teru pour water on him? Why would he do that? There was no water nearby. What else could-
Oh.
It’s blood.
His stomach lurches, but nothing comes up. All he can do is scream while Teru shushes him. He promises that he’s almost done, and that Akane will have his revenge soon. It’s all senseless to him because Akane doesn’t want revenge, he just wants Teru. As much as this hurts, he knows they’re doing it as a display of their loyalty. Once the pain wears off, he’ll cherish the scar like a promise ring.
Even in this state, he’s concerned that Teru immediately assumed he wanted to hurt him just because he’s upset. He makes a mental note to bring that up later, when Teru isn’t driving a knife into his back.
Time is generous now, speeding up as soon as Akane stops hyperfocusing on it. The pain is terrible, but the relief that comes afterwards makes it all worth it. He flops down on the table with a sigh, unaware that he’d been pushing himself up. The wound aches and throbs and stings like crazy, but the worst part is over.
Teru presses kisses all over his shoulder, murmuring apologies into his ear. His voice becomes a little more clear now that the knife has been put away, a siren melody luring Akane back to the surface. He cleans his back with a washcloth, making casual conversation.
“-brother is out tonight, but we’ll need to clean up before tomorrow morning.”
“What?”
Their eyes meet with a bit more clarity, Teru pausing in his ministrations. By now, Akane has gained enough awareness to notice that he looks on edge. Either he’s nervous that it’s his turn soon, or he’s worried he hurt Akane too badly. Could be both, or maybe he’s just reading into things. He’s not sure of anything nowadays.
He thinks he catches something in the way Teru hesitates at the sound of his voice, but he’s quick to cover it up. He goes back to cleaning him off as though nothing happened, eyes directed away from his face.
“I was wondering when you’d start talking my ears off again.”
“I don’t talk that much.”
“Yes you do,” Teru smiles to himself. “But only when you’re complaining or getting sappy. Or lecturing me.”
“That falls somewhere between the other two.”
That gets a laugh out of him, but it’s strained and forced.
…Right, so he does feel guilty. And he is nervous, though that part isn’t as surprising. He has no reason to feel guilt when they both agreed to do this, plus Teru enjoys hurting people (under the right circumstances). Akane really wants to question him, but Teru doesn’t react to emotional conversations very well. He’d likely try to back out, meaning Akane has to wait until he has him vulnerable to bring it up.
“What were you saying about your brother?”
“Hmm? Oh,” he lights up, always excited to talk about his siblings. “He’s at a sleepover tonight, so we don’t have to worry about him finding us down here.”
Akane frowns. “Where’s Tiara?”
“With Kou.”
“He took her to the sleepover?”
“There are girls there.”
“You brother’s at a sleepover with girls?”
He tries to sit up, then winces, finding his shoulder too sore to move so suddenly. Teru eases him back down, telling him to give it time.
“He has a boyfriend, we don’t have anything to worry about. Besides, I raised Kou to be a gentleman.”
“That’s actually not the concerning part,” he corrects himself. “Aren’t you worried his friends will think he’s weird for bringing his baby sister to a sleepover?”
“They love Tiara.”
The look on his face makes it clear that he genuinely doesn’t see the issue here. The result of growing up with no friends. Akane really needs to get this guy a social life.
“Whatever you say,” he moves again, this time with assistance from Teru. He manages to sit up, but pain spikes in his shoulder when he does so. Fortunately, Teru is quick to tend to it, wiping up the blood. “When are they coming back?”
“Tomorrow morning,” he answers. “So we’ll need to get this place cleaned up by then.”
Akane looks around at all the blood stains that are already coating the floors. “Will they really notice?”
“Tiara won’t, because she’s not allowed down here, but Kou will know. Just trust me.”
“Last time I did that you stabbed me in the back.”
The look of horror on Teru’s face makes Akane suspect he didn’t get the pun. From the way he looks, you’d think he just caught a serial killer in action.
“Kidding.”
He inhales. “Oh, I get it. That was a good one.”
He’s not even pretending to laugh this time. Akane can’t decide if that makes things better or worse. Either way, it does nothing to ease the tension in the air.
The room has started to feel cold again, now that Akane has regained half a mind to care about the weather. He shivers at the seemingly never ending flow of liquid down his back, an unwelcome warmth. It does little to aid his freezing skin, even the warm washcloth isn’t much help. He wants to be back in Teru’s arms, knife or no knife.
“What did you tell your brother?”
“Come again?”
“How did you get him out of the house?”
This time Teru freezes for different reasons, clearing his throat. “I just told him we wanted to spend some time alone together.”
Akane jumps, cueing another gush of blood. “You what??”
“He didn’t suspect anything indecent…”
“He’s fourteen, of course he did.”
Teru gasps, offended. “You don’t know that.”
He runs a hand down his face. “Great, this is going to get back to all our friends.”
“It’s better than the truth.”
Akane can’t argue with that, he’s not sure how he would explain this to Aoi. He’s been trying not to think about that part, among many other things.
“You’re not going to tell him?”
“Maybe someday in the future when we can look back and laugh at this,” he rests his chin on Akane’s head. “How are you feeling?”
“Do you want me to answer that honestly?”
“Sure.”
“I feel like shit,” he flexes his shoulder, grimacing. “Is this thing ever gonna stop bleeding?”
“We can’t bandage it yet, or else it might not scar,” his face suddenly looks very punchable. “But I’ve been holding this towel on it, that should stop the bleeding soon.”
“So we have to wait?”
“Don’t sound so distraught. You must be excited to stab me.”
“I’m excited to get this over with,” he huffs. “Less excited about the stabbing part.”
As angry as Teru makes him, he hates seeing him in pain. He’s punched and fought him before, but only under extreme circumstances. He can’t imagine how it’s going to feel to hurt him for no reason other than to make a statement.
Only this is so much more than that, it’s a promise. An agreement that they’re on each other’s sides from this point on, no matter what happens. There’s no going back after this, they’ll follow each other throughout their lives no matter what roads they take. That’s not a hard promise to make, given that Akane would follow Teru into Hell.
“Do you really mean that?”
“I don’t enjoy hurting you.”
Teru doesn’t say anything after that, just holds him until the bleeding stops. Akane could fall asleep like this, safe in the arms of the man he loves- even if that man is a raging sadist. He feels more himself down here with Teru than he does anywhere else with anyone else. He’s not sure what that says about him, but he’s not too concerned. Whatever it means, it will change within the next few weeks. More like a few days, if this sets off another one of his…weird days. He’s not exactly sure what to call them.
It takes about forty minutes for it to recede to a less alarming amount, and even after that it bleeds when he moves. Not very convenient nor safe, but they have to get a move on. If they wait an extra day, Teru might change his mind, and Akane does not intend on being the only one to walk away from this with scars.
He half-expects Teru to walk away when he reminds him it’s his turn, but he accepts his fate without protests. He gives Akane a firm nod to let him know he’s okay with this, no matter what may come of it. Akane is reminded, not for the first time, that he and Teru share a soul. They have a mutual understanding of one another, without having to exchange words. It’s amazing to be known so well, and intimidating. He isn’t sure how to feel about it.
He has no feelings about it, because being in love doesn’t scare him. He wears his heart on his sleeve, it’s all he’s known for. Teru can’t make him vulnerable, because Akane already owns his emotions and insecurities. He barely knows who he is at the moment, he doesn’t want to find out who he’d be if Teru changed him- so he can’t give Teru the power to change him. He has no control over how Akane feels, what he does. On days when he feels further from himself, it’s so easy to fall back into letting Teru define him the way he did with Aoi. He knows where that leads, pushing away the person he loves most on top of all his other poor decisions. He doesn’t want to make himself look like an idiot in front of Teru, couldn’t stand to see Teru look at him like he’s some kind of maniac. He doesn’t want to end up alone again, waiting out his own insanities while the person he needs takes some time to themself.
Sometimes he’s glad Aoi couldn’t love him, it seemed all he ever did was bother her. He tried so hard to change himself, to be whatever she wanted, and yet he was unable to help her until it was too late. If he’s useless to her, she shouldn’t have to put up with him. It’s not her job to take care of him, and it isn’t Teru’s either. They both have enough on their plates as it is, he wouldn’t want to be a burden to them. He’ll always be there to take care of them when they need it, but he’ll expect nothing in return. That’s how it’s always been, Akane isn’t the type of person who needs help.
Why is he thinking all this now? Is it happening again? He usually tries to limit those kinds of thoughts, or any thoughts pertaining to himself for that matter. This is the worst time to be focused on himself. This isn’t about him, it’s about Teru. Akane doesn’t need help, he’s got his life down to a cycle. Some weeks, he struggles to get out of bed in the mornings; then there are periods when he’s up before the birds are chirping, without hardly sleeping the night before. Some weeks, he goes to school with no energy; and others, he has too much energy, like his entire body has been lit on fire. The change comes unexpectedly, like one minute he’s driving a car and then suddenly he’s in the backseat.
The cycle is relentless, but it’s his life. Everyone has to live one way or another, everyone has their own shit to deal with. He just makes it a point not to bother other people with his problems. He also makes a point not to bother himself with his problems.
He lets all his setbacks go down the drain as Teru removes his jacket, setting it on the tray beside Akane’s shirt. His own shirt goes next, a sight that effectively distracts Akane from whatever he was thinking about before. His body is covered in scars from exorcist missions gone wrong; scars Akane has missed time and time again. He’s helped bandage a few of them too, chastising Teru for his recklessness.
He tethers himself to those memories as he watches Teru lay down on the operating table, back bared to him. He knows how difficult this is for him, a man who fights life or death battles against supernaturals every day. The last time he had his back turned to Akane, Akane betrayed him. This is his chance to make things right.
It clicks just then, why Teru wanted to do this so badly. He needed proof that Akane wouldn’t betray him again, that it was truly an act of obligation and not malice. This isn’t only a promise, it’s a test. He’s letting Akane determine their future, he can end things right here and now or proceed as planned. He wants Akane to prove that he’s human, not another evil supernatural. He had to give Akane the chance, so he could see for himself that he couldn’t make the same mistake again. Their fate is in his hands.
His hands are steady as he picks up the knife, filled with a new sense of certainty. The metal is cold in his hands, blood dried by now. It still stains him, but he pays it no mind. He's on a mission to win his boyfriend back.
He straddles Teru just the way Teru did to him earlier, laughing at the disapproving noise Teru makes. He ruffles his hair for good measure, kissing the spot he’s about to cut.
He intends to take his time, because Teru needs a lasting reminder. He’s doing this out of love, not out of vengeance. The kanji for his name is simpler, more lines as opposed to the intricate curves in Teru’s. It won’t take him as long to begin with so there’s no need to rush.
“You really are dramatic.”
Teru’s breath hitches when the tip of the knife meets his back, fists clenched. There is no fear in his eyes, but the quiver of his lip gives away uncertainty.
“You’re doing all this just to prove I’m on your side?”
Now that he’s sure Teru won’t run, he has no qualms about calling him out. He deserves to be called out for going this far instead of just talking to Akane like a normal person. He needs to be reminded just how much Akane loves him, but that doesn’t mean Akane’s going to be nice about it.
He pricks Teru’s skin, drawing the first line. Once he has the outline drawn, he goes over it again, this time digging the knife deep enough to scar.
Teru chokes. “Don’t write it like that.”
“Why not? This was your idea.”
“That’s going to take forever.”
“I’m not in any rush.”
Despite the cruelty of his words, Akane isn’t mad, not in the slightest. But if he has to go through this, he’s going to make damn sure Teru feels every second of his loyalty. He wants to remind him with every cut he makes that he’s consciously choosing not to kill him. Teru will hate him in the moment, but he’ll look back and think of how delicately Akane sliced him; how he could’ve betrayed him that whole time and chose not to.
“I know what you’re doing,” Teru snaps. “Cut it out, I get the message.”
He draws the next line, repeating the same process. One thin line, cutting the skin as lightly as he would a piece of paper. Then he traces the line a second time, digging the knife into Teru’s flesh.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
A third line, made difficult by the blood from the first two. He manages though, repeating his precious method while Teru refuses to scream.
“You said you didn’t want to hurt me.”
The words made him freeze, nearly dropping the knife. He’s glad he didn’t, because it’s still partially stuck in Teru’s back. The skin around the cuts is turning a pretty shade of pink, like the peonies in Aoi’s garden.
No, that’s not the kind of message he wanted Teru to get at all. He’ll admit, he gets a kick out of seeing the President at his weakest, but he wants to be there to take care of him. He wants nothing more than to make Teru happy, every day for the rest of his life if that’s possible. Teru shouldn’t view him as another person waiting to hurt him, use him, and treat him like a weapon. Akane should be an outlier from the rest of Teru’s strenuous life.
He leans down, holding Teru’s face so he has no choice but to meet his eyes. Teru gives him a death glare, though it’s not very intimidating when his chin is in Akane’s hand.
He kisses his nose. “I’m not doing this to hurt you. Are you doing this to hurt me?”
“No,” Teru says, quickly. “I would never.”
“See? I have no interest in hurting you, this is me trying to prove a point. I want you to remember that, with every cut I make, I could kill you. And with every cut, I choose not to.”
Teru looks unsure at first, but it seems he still has a little faith left in Akane. His expression softens, and he gives a small nod.
Akane smiles. “Thank you.”
“Just get on with it.”
He takes his time, drawing and tracing each line like the knife is chalk and Teru’s back is a pavement. He periodically places kisses along his shoulders to remind him that he’s doing this out of love, and Teru snaps at him to hurry it up. The amount of care he gives it must make it less painful, because Teru doesn’t make much of a fuss like he did. At some points, he looks like he’s about to fall asleep. Akane has to shake him to keep him awake (though that could be from all the blood he’s losing…they’ll have to eat a lot of sugar after this).
He regularly checks on Teru to make sure no unpleasant memories arise, but for the most part things go smoothly. His eyes grow distant for a moment, so Akane gives him a break. They sit and cuddle until he comes back to the present, leaving all thoughts of violence and supernaturals in the past.
When he’s done, he prepares a clean washcloth and immediately starts wiping Teru down (not before licking the mixture of their blood off the knife, well out of Teru’s sight). It’s a rough process because the blood won’t stop flowing, and tears have begun to stream down Teru’s face. Akane cried too, so he can’t judge him. Even if that weren’t the case, he would never discourage Teru from being vulnerable. It was hard work getting him to be comfortable crying in front of him, he doesn’t want to bring them back to square one.
Once the bleeding has been subdued, he sits Teru up against his side so he can hold him while he presses the cloth to his back, stroking his arm with his free hand. Teru returns the favor by pressing Akane’s cloth to his back, tending to the cuts that had reopened.
The pain will be insufferable for the next few days, but they’ll manage. It was worth it to restore their trust, and if Akane’s being completely honest, he finds it romantic. He’ll have Teru’s name carved into him for the rest of his life, want more could he want? Sure, he’d like to develop a more conventional relationship at some point, but this works for now. Teru has a lot of issues to work through, and Akane will be there to help him every step of the way. Somewhere down the line, they’ll be okay.
“All this because you refuse to dump me,” Akane laughs, once things have calmed down. “Are you only capable of being yourself with one person, is that it? You don’t want to start over?”
“You’re the same way,” Teru shoots back. “You attach yourself to one person in hopes that they’ll help you understand yourself, and they never do.”
The words hit him like an arrow. Teru isn’t supposed to know that about him, Akane barely knows that about himself. He intentionally doesn’t open up to Teru, not unless it’s about his problems with Aoi. He could psychoanalyze Teru’s problems all day, but that energy is never supposed to be returned to him. He doesn’t like being known, no matter which way he cuts it it always feels like someone else is trying to tell him who to be. He doesn’t want Teru’s help, doesn’t want to be vulnerable with him. All he wants is to take care of Teru like any good husband boyfriend should. It would be selfish to add himself to Teru’s list of useless people to take care of.
“You don’t-”
“Don’t bother arguing, I know I’m right,” Teru says. “And you’re projecting, that’s not the main reason I’m with you. I can open up to you in a way I can’t with anyone else.”
“Meaning you can be yourself with me.”
“If that’s how you want to put it, then yes. But it goes both ways.”
Akane scowls. He’s never liked the idea of a mutual relationship. He should be the one doing all the romance and the caregiving, that’s the kind of partner he was meant to be. He and Teru can be equal in every area but that. Teru is too good to have to pretend to care about Akane as much as Akane cares about him. He’ll end up realizing Akane isn’t worth the trouble, and then they’ll both be stuck with scars from someone they used to love.
“I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need anything in return for taking care of you.”
“I want to though,” Teru insists. “It doesn’t have to be an exchange, that’s just how relationships work. You take care of each other.”
“I thought relationships worked based on trust?”
“There are multiple rules.”
“You sure know a lot, considering this is your first one.”
“Yours too,” he pokes his cheek. “Unless you consider Lemon a full relationship.”
It didn’t last long enough to be considered one, but Akane did enjoy it. He just refused to admit it because of Aoi. He’s happy to consider Teru his first proper relationship though, that way they can figure things out together. That way they can make their own definition of what’s normal, and Akane can take care of Teru without expecting anything in return. That’s how it’s always been, that’s how it always will be.
“Don’t I get a say in how relationships work?”
“Sure, but you have to run it by me first.”
“Who made you the boss?”
“I’m the President.”
Just for that, he digs the washcloth into Teru’s wound, light enough so it doesn’t hurt too bad but hard enough to make him wince. A poor decision in hindsight, because Teru pinches his wound in retaliation.
“Fuck,” Akane hisses. “Okay, truce.”
“Only if you agree to do things my way.”
“Seriously?”
“C’mon, let me take care of you sometimes. It’ll be a nice change.”
Akane absolutely does not plan on indulging Teru this time, but he has no energy left to argue so he sees no harm in making an empty promise. Teru will forgive him, unless he decides they need more scars.
“I’ll consider it.”
There, not a totally empty promise, but it can’t be used against him either. There’s no rule stating he can’t take it into consideration and decide to veto.
Teru kisses his forehead. “Was that so hard?”
“I’m not making any promises, don’t get ahead of yourself.”
“I’m counting it as a promise.”
“Huh?! How is that fair?”
“Because I’m the President and I said so.”
“Cut it out with that President shit.”
“That’s not a very kind way to speak to your President. One might count it as treason.”
“I hate you.”
“Don’t be sad, you have your own cool thing. You were the second highest scorer on the final exam.”
“Why can’t I be the Vice President?”
“Even more accomplishments! Your reputation precedes you, my second place friend.”
He’s sure Teru won’t actually hold him to his promise but he’s still going to nag him about it until he caves. He probably won’t even have to nag that hard, Akane’s a total pushover when it comes to him. Later tonight he’ll think up ways to win any argument Teru could throw his way, but for now he just wants to rest. And to clean up the basement, though he’s in less of a rush for that part.
“I can’t deal with you right now,” he groans. “Did this help at all?”
Teru rests his head on his shoulder, content. “It did. My trust has been restored, but this is the only second chance I’ll be giving you. Don’t make me regret it.”
Akane pulls Teru closer, hoping his arms can convey a million things he can’t put into words right now. “I won’t.”
“Then there’s nothing to worry about,” his tone switches from light to serious at the drop of a hat. “We can have a nice, happy life together, just like you wanted.”
Teru also wants that life, but Hell will freeze over before he admits it. He has to pretend like Akane is forcing him to be happy, otherwise he’d never forgive himself for walking away from everything. That’s another thing they’ll have to work on, but Akane isn’t in a rush. They have their whole lives to sort through those things, it won’t hurt them to take their time. Akane will dedicate his life to solving Teru’s problems, and Teru won’t have to waste a second worrying about Akane. That’s the way it should be.
“Yeah,” he presses a quick kiss to Teru’s lips. “I can’t wait.”