every little thing you do (i do adore)

by snapdragonsuplex

Summary:

Spock, on sabbatical from his position at the Vulcan Science Academy, has recently moved to San Francisco with his daughter in the hopes that a change in scenery will do them both good.

Jim, an instructor at Starfleet Academy, is trying to balance work, parenting his son, and his impending divorce.

Neither of them are looking for love, but love has a funny way of finding you anyway.

Chapter 1: animal crackers and chance encounters

Hungry

Spock pulls himself out of his meditative state, blinking as he turns toward the intruder in his meditation space.

“Saavik,” he greets. “You know you are not supposed to come in here unless it is an emergency.”

Saavik tilts her head, then pats Spock’s forearm.

Hungry

Spock sighs, then nods, getting to his feet. 

“What would you like to eat?” He asks, signing along.

An image of a kreila enters his mind, and he nods again as he picks her up

“Very well, I will prepare one for you, and one for myself.”

Saavik smiles at him, affection flowing through their parental bond, and Spock quietly returns that affection as he presses his forehead to hers. 

Once he has changed into his clothes for the day, he goes to the kitchen, placing Saavik on the couch with a book. As he prepares breakfast, he notes that they are low on food, something he had expected since it has been two weeks since the last time they went grocery shopping. He notes what they need, then turns back towards the couch, picking up Saavik and placing her in her high chair.

“We will be going to the grocery store today,” he informs Saavik as he sets down her kreila, cut up strawberries and bananas, and sippy cup on the tray.

Saavik’s head perks up, and an image enters Spock’s mind.

“Yes, we will buy more tomatoes.”

Another image.

“And saltines.”

Another image. This time, Spock pauses, considering it.

“If you behave while we are at the store,” Spock begins as he signs, “then I will buy you animal crackers.”

Saavik kicks her feet, clearly pleased, then begins eating her breakfast, somewhat messily devouring the fruit first as always. Spock simply grabs the wipes from the counter and places them on the table before picking up his PADD to begin reviewing his messages. 

Later, when breakfast is done and the remnants of it are gone from Saavik’s face, Spock gently brushes her hair. Learning to groom curly hair like hers was something of a process, given that his own hair texture has only ever been wavy at most, but after nearly a year of trial and error he has mastered it.

When Saavik sits still, of course.

“Saavik, if you keep moving around, it will take much longer for me to finish brushing your hair,” he reminds her as he places her back on the small stool in the bathroom.

Saavik whines, wiggling onto the edge of the seat; Spock pulls her back, recalling that the last time she sat there, she fell off, which led to her crying for five straight minutes.

More out of shock than pain, but still.

“I recognize that this is not enjoyable for you, Saavik, but it needs to be done. Please sit still on the stool, or we will have to sit on the floor.”

Saavik huffs, but sits still, impatiently waiting for Spock to finish brushing. The minute he does, she jumps up from the stool, and Spock has to catch her before she attempts to escape from the bathroom.

“It is time to get dressed.”

Saavik whines again, struggling against the arm around her waist as she sends her protests through the bond.

“We have been through this before. You cannot go outside in your pajamas.”

Saavik buzzes her lips together, and Spock counts backwards from ten in his mind.

“Saavik, if you do not change clothes, we will not be able to go to the grocery store, and then you will have no chance of obtaining animal crackers.”

This is enough to get her to stop struggling, though she does let out a comically world-weary sigh given the fact that she is not yet three years of age. 

Once they have both brushed their teeth and Saavik’s pajamas have been put in the laundry basket, Spock silently stands up with her in his arms, carrying her back to her bedroom and placing her on her bed. He walks over to the closet, opening it up and pulling out the two potential outfits he had selected the previous night. 

“Which of these do you prefer?” Spock asks, holding up a striped white-and-powder-blue sweater and a pair of denim jeans in one hand, and a collared dress with a rabbit embroidered on the hip paired with polka dot leggings on the other.

Saavik contemplates her options for a moment, then chooses the collared dress, scooting off the bed so that Spock can lay each piece out for her to dress herself. Allowing her to choose her own outfits has made getting her dressed much easier, as opposed to her melting down over Spock deciding what she would wear. Allowing her to dress herself has also curbed some of those same issues.

Her outfits are still somewhat… garish, by Vulcan standards, but at the very least the patterns and colors no longer clash. 

Saavik grunts as she tries to push her head through the collar, and Spock quickly reaches down, unbuttoning the top button so that she can push her head through. She looks up at him, clearly unimpressed as he rebuttons the collar.

“I apologize, I should have unbuttoned the collar before putting the dress on the bed.” 

She huffs, but he feels her accept his apology through the bond as she walks over to the dresser, pulling out a pair of socks with dinosaurs on them. They technically do not match the rest of her outfit, but they will not show much because of her shoes, and in any case her age makes it difficult for Spock to argue based on presentability alone.

As Saavik goes to put on her shoes, Spock pulls out his comm, checking the temperature. It is still late enough in the summer that he doesn’t have to wear a heavy coat, but he puts on a jacket and a light scarf, bringing along Saavik’s jacket just in case- she is more suited to the temperate climate of San Francisco than he is, but he would prefer to have it. He puts it in his bag as he opens the door to the hall outside their apartment.

“Saavik,” he calls, “it is time to go.” 

Saavik comes rushing out of the door, backpack both open and hanging on one arm. Spock is mildly amused as he helps her finish putting the backpack on, zipping it up before standing up again. Once he has locked the door, he turns to her.

“Are you ready to go?”

Saavik nods, then reaches up for him, standing on the balls of her feet as she gestures to be picked up.

Without hesitation, he bends down, picking her up.

He knows, of course, that she is capable of walking, and he should in fact make her walk now that she is getting older. 

But it is for that same reason that he does not make her walk- she is getting older, and one day he will put her down for the last time.

So, for now, he indulges her, holding her close as they make their way over to the elevator.

“Oh, good morning Mr. Spock!” 

Saavik tenses in his arms, and Spock bites back a sigh, turning towards his neighbor.

“Hello, Mrs. Patinkin.”

Mrs. Patinkin smiles at him, then turns her gaze to Saavik.

“And good morning to you too, Miss Saavik!”

Saavik bristles a bit, and Spock sends her some reassurance over the bond, as well as some encouragement.

After a moment, she waves, signs “good morning,” then buries her face in Spock’s shoulder.

“Aw, still a little shy, hmm?” Mrs. Patinkin coos.

“It is something we are working on,” Spock replies. 

“Well, keep at it. I remember when my youngest was around her age- oh, he was always hiding behind my leg and…”

Spock nods along politely as the elevator opens, still listening in silence as they walk inside to get on. He is admittedly not listening very closely, as he has heard this story before- Mrs. Patinkin lives alone, with most of her family out of state or even off-planet, and tends to gravitate towards her neighbors for socialization. 

Once the elevator arrives at the ground floor, however, he quickly steps out.

“Have a pleasant day, Mrs. Patinkin,” he says.

“Oh, you too, dear!” Mrs. Patinkin replies, cheerful as ever. She never takes offense to Spock ending their conversations quickly, seeming pleased just to have someone to speak to at all.

Saavik, on the other hand, finally relaxes once she is gone, and Spock bites back a sigh, instead stroking the back of her head gently.

“Eventually, Saavik, you will have to learn to be more present in conversations with people you do not know well.”

Saavik simply grips the back of his shirt.

---

Prior to their arrival in San Francisco approximately three weeks ago, Spock took it upon himself to research the local grocery stores for a few reasons- namely, quality and availability of non-replicated Vulcan foods and ingredients. This was technically unnecessary, as the apartment came with a replicator, but he prefers non-replicated ingredients and meals where available. For that reason, he prefers to go to a grocery store that is slightly further than others, but keeps staple ingredients for traditional Vulcan meals in stock alongside Terran foods.

Which is why he finds himself at something of a loss when he comes upon an empty spot on the shelf where his preferred tea typically is stocked. He frowns, glancing around to see if there are any employees he can ask to find out if there will be a restock soon, then sighs when he fails to locate any, instead taking a box of a different kind. 

He does not intend to allow Saavik to feel his disappointment, but apparently some slips by without his notice. She reaches out to pat him on the forearm again from her place in the cart seat, comfort flowing through the bond.

“Thank you, Saavik,” he says and signs as he puts the tea in the cart. 

She nods, then goes back to her oversized, thick-paged book with various textures based on Terran farm animals in it. Spock had not been convinced she would like it, but he must concede that his mother was correct- she finds it fascinating, more so than almost any other book or toy she owns.

Spock begins pushing the cart once more, scanning the shelves for anything else he may need. He pauses in front of a display of teas that are native to neither Vulcan nor Earth, but various other planets, scanning them for anything he might like to try.

Which is when something crashes right into his cart. The entire cart rattles with the force of it, Saavik dropping her book in shock and immediately becoming angry about it. Spock bends over to grab it, which is when he catches sight of just what ran into his cart.

Or rather, whom. A young boy with curly blond hair and a red box in his hands, perhaps only a little older than Saavik, is sitting on the floor next to the cart, blinking in shock. Spock frowns, standing up and handing Saavik her book back before walking around the cart.

“Are you alright-?”

The boy lets out a shrill wail, face turning red as he cries. Spock resists the urge to wince, taking half a step back as he looks around for a parent. If possible, he would prefer to avoid dealing with this- Saavik is one thing, but comforting a child he does not have a parental bond with is quite another.

Unfortunately, no one seems to be coming, and thus Spock must make a decision between attempting to comfort a child he does not know and leaving a child sobbing. He grimaces, then sighs, crouching down to the child’s eye level.

“Take a deep breath,” he states evenly. The boy takes a deep, shaky breath, then holds it, face reddening slightly. “Breathe out.”

He does, some of the redness leaving even as tears and snot stream down his face.

“Breathe in.”

He inhales.

“Breathe out.”

He exhales, seeming somewhat calmer now.

“Are you alright?”

“My- my ankle h-hurts,” the boy whimpers.

“Can you-?”

Spock is interrupted by the sound of the intercom crackling above their heads.

“David Kirk, please come to the help desk, your father is looking for you.”

“That’s me!” The boy- David shouts, moving to get up to his feet. He attempts to take a step, then staggers, and Spock moves to catch him without thinking. “Ow…”

“Do you think you can walk?”

David sniffs, then shakes his head. Spock bites back a sigh, then silently gets to his feet, the boy still in his arms. 

“I will take you to your father, then.” 

He returns behind the cart, shifting David around so that he can drive it with one hand. He drives the cart over toward the help desk, where he sees a half-interested employee and a nervous-looking man talking.

“Is that your father-?” Spock begins to ask, only for David to start pushing on his arm.

“DADDY!” He shouts, giving Spock his answer.

The man at the desk turns sharply, relief flooding his features.

“Oh thank god,” the man breathes, jogging toward them as Spock places David down. He scoops David up into his arms, cradling him against his shoulder. “David, honey, you scared me half to death!”

Spock hears a muffled “I’m sorry,” and the man sighs, putting a hand on the back of his son’s head.

“I know, kiddo, but you can’t just run off like that. I thought something bad happened to you.”

“He did run into my shopping cart,” Spock states. 

The man’s eyes widen as he glances over at Spock, and strangely Spock cannot help but notice that, by most standards, he is rather handsome, with bright hazel eyes and Cupid’s bow lips.

“David!”

“I didn’t see him!” David claims. 

“How did you not- ah, fine, fine. What do you say?”

“I’m sorry,” David repeats.

“I did not bring it up to receive an apology,” Spock clarifies. “He complained of a hurt ankle after.”

The man’s eyebrows rise as he turns to David.

“You hurt your ankle?”

“Yeah. It’s not so bad now.”

“Hm. I’ll take a look at it when we get to the car.” The man turns back to Spock. “But seriously, thank you so much for your… help…”

The man trails off, blinking as he seems to get a good look at Spock for the first time. Spock tilts his head slightly. 

“Is something amiss?”

“... hm?” The man blinks again, then to Spock’s surprise flushes, clearing his throat and glancing away. He moves to rub at his face with his left hand, and for some reason the tan line on his ring finger catches his eye. “Uh, sorry, just… I thought I knew you from somewhere.”

Spock frowns.

“If you are an avid follower of scientific journals and conventions, that may be where you have previously seen me. I’ve published a large amount of research and led seminars on various topics.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s- that’s probably it.” He clears his throat again. “Anyway, I- thank you, really. Sorry to have interrupted your day.”

“It is of no consequence. I hope the rest of your trip is not so eventful.”

The man laughs tiredly.

“Yeah, I hope so too.” He smiles, then lifts his hand in the ta’al. “Have a good day.”

Spock’s heart, for lack of a better phrase, skips a beat. He manages to compose himself within a timely period, giving a ta’al of his own and bidding him farewell before returning to his own cart.

“Daddy, why is your face red?” He hears David ask. 

“Uh… because it’s hot in here.”

“No it’s not!”

Spock holds back a twitch of his lips as he begins driving the cart again, though he still feels a strange urge to turn around and speak to David’s father more.

A small hand pats his own, and he blinks, looking down at Saavik. She gives him a questioning look, and he clears his throat, glancing away.

“We will get the saltines next,” he says, hoping to distract her; thankfully, it works, as her thoughts quickly turn to crackers.

As they turn into the correct aisle, Spock cannot help but glance over his shoulder.

He finds himself oddly disappointed to see that David and his father are gone.

---

Spock feels a tug on his pant leg, pausing his scrubbing of a plate and looking down.

“Yes, Saavik?”

Saavik holds up the holovision remote, eyes pleading as she sends a request over the bond. Spock considers for a moment, then nods, putting the dish down and wiping off his hands.

“You may watch two episodes of Meii’shi,” he tells and signs to her as he takes the remote. A burst of joy comes over the bond, and she scampers over to the couch, climbing onto it as Spock turns on her favorite program, an animated show about a family of anthropomorphized Ellidian herding dogs . Saavik settles in to watch, and Spock nods, turning around and walking back to the sink. 

The holovision plays quietly in the background as Spock finishes the dishes and puts them away; he is left with enough time to check his messages, finding that the Academy has sent him his credentials for the next year. Just as he is about to log in to begin familiarizing himself with their staff site, the second episode ends, and he stands up.

“Saavik, it is time for-!”

Spock’s PADD beeps, and when he looks down he sees that he has a request for a video call. When he sees who it is from, his lips quirk upward, and he accepts the call.

“Hello, Mother.”

“Hi, sweetheart, how are-?”

Saavik lets out a squeal, scrambling off the couch and running over to the table. She tries to climb up Spock’s leg, and Spock picks her up and places her in his lap, at which point she starts waving at the screen.

“Saavik is very excited to see you.”

His mother laughs as she waves, joy glittering in her eyes.

“Hello to you too, kan-bu. I’ve missed you.” She looks up, smiling. “What did you two do today?”

“We went grocery shopping,” Spock begins, “which was mostly uneventful.”

“Mostly?”

“A young boy ran into our shopping cart.”

“Oh, dear. Was he alright?”

“He hurt his ankle. I had to help him get to the help desk, where his father was waiting.”

“I’m sure his father was very grateful for that.”

Spock nods, banishing the image of the man’s smile from his mind. 

“Well, what else happened today?” His mother glances downward as she begins signing. “What about you, Saavik? Did you have a good day?”

Saavik nods, beginning to sign and tell her about the park they went to after the groceries were put away. His mother signs as she speaks, but Spock knows her well enough to see the growing disappointment on her face as the conversation goes on.

He frowns, then nudges Saavik.

“Saavik, would you like to pick out your pajamas tonight?”

Saavik pauses, seeming confused, but nods, waving at his mother before hopping off of his lap and running off to her room.

“Still not talking?”

“No. According to her pediatrician, this is normal given her trauma, but it is something that may require intervention if it goes on much longer. I would appreciate it if you were to keep your disappointment to a minimum, as it may lead Saavik to believe you are disappointed in her.”

His mother looks like she wants to protest, but after a moment she sighs, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, Spock. I know I shouldn’t be so worried, especially given you didn’t talk much when you were around her age, but I can’t help it. After everything she’s been through…”

“I know, Mother. I too am concerned. But Dr. Muroc believes that pushing her to talk will only cause her more harm at this stage in her development.”

His mother gives him a half-smile.

“Sounds like the advice we were given when you were her age.”

“Then you know that the advice is sound.”

“I suppose so.” She props her head up on her hands. “I just worry that she won’t be able to make friends like this.”

“It is logical to be concerned, as she is your granddaughter. However, she is of an age where making friends is, supposedly, very easy. She will very likely be fine, even without speech, and she does know Federation Standard Sign Language if she needs to communicate. Even if she never speaks, she’ll still have that.”

“I hope you’re right.” His mother smiles at him. “But how are you, Spock?”

“I am well. I have received my credentials for the Academy, meaning that I will be able to better prepare my lectures-!”

“Spock, I wasn’t asking about your work. I mean, how are you? Have you gotten out of the house without Saavik?”

Spock tilts his head.

“Saavik is two. I cannot leave her alone in the apartment.”

“That’s what babysitters are for, dear.”

“Given how I found Saavik in the first place, I do not think that leaving her for a long period of time would be wise.”

His mother sighs.

“Spock, you have to let her get comfortable being without you for long periods.”

“I know, and I will. She is enrolled in the Academy’s daycare. But I do not see a point in risking her becoming distressed unnecessarily for something I do not see as important.”

“But what about making friends? Or even meeting someone?”

Again, Spock thinks of the man from the grocery store, but he dismisses the thought. He closes his eyes, inhaling and exhaling through his nostrils.

“Mother, please.”

“I’m worried! You’re around the age where Vulcans start undergoing pon farr, I don’t want you to not have a partner!”

“I am thirty-three, Mother. The absolute earliest any Vulcan has ever undergone pon farr for the first time is at thirty-six, and the average is forty years of age.” Spock pauses. “This is, of course, assuming that I undergo pon farr at all, which is unlikely given my biology.”

“But what if you do?” His mother presses. “Isn’t it better to have a partner and not need one than to need one and be caught without?”

Spock sighs, shaking his head.

“I see your point, but that is not currently my priority. Saavik is.”

His mother purses her lips, then sighs. 

“I just don’t want you to put it off too long.”

“When Saavik is a bit older, I will begin looking,” Spock promises.

She nods.

“I’m sorry to be pushy, dear. But after T’Pring ended things, I’ve been worried that you won’t find anyone.”

“I will find someone, Mother.” For Saavik’s sake, if nothing else. “How have you been?”

His mother smirks.

“Don’t think I don’t notice you changing the subject.”

Spock raises his eyebrows, and she laughs.

“Well, your father is off on Andoria for a conference…”

Spock and his mother speak for about ten minutes, at which point Spock realizes that he hasn’t heard anything from Saavik in about five. 

“Mother, would you mind if we pause this discussion for a moment? I need to check on Saavik.”

“Oh, of course, dear.”

Spock nods, then gets up out of his chair.

“Spock?”

Spock looks down at the screen, tilting his head.

“I love you.”

Spock blinks, then nods again.

“I have a high regard for you as well.”

It is as close as he can get to saying it aloud. He has never asked if she understands what he means when he says it, but the way she smiles gives him hope that she does.

The door to Saavik’s room is slightly ajar; when Spock opens it, he is only partially surprised to see that she is in her bed, asleep and still in her clothes. He sighs, then walks over to her, gently picking her up. 

“Saavik, you still need to brush your teeth.”

Saavik groans, snuggling into his chest.

“I know you are tired, but dental hygiene is important. Once your teeth are brushed you may go back to sleep.”

Saavik groans again, but opens her eyes as Spock carries her over to the bathroom. She dozes as he brushes her teeth, though she is awake enough to rinse and spit in the sink. The minute that is done, she goes back to sleep, head lolling as Spock changes her into her pajamas. Once she is changed, Spock tucks her into bed.

“Good night, Saavik.”

Saavik sighs in her sleep, nuzzling her pillow, and affection twinges in his chest. He leans down, pressing a kiss to her forehead, then stands up, walking over to the door. He stops there, looking over at his daughter as she sleeps.

With no one around to see him, he allows himself to smile.

Notes:

i think this is the first trek fic i've ever written where the name "jim" doesn't appear once in the first chapter lmao

anyway, this is technically a rehash of an old fic i scrapped last year, though the only things that made it over are saavik's origins, her mutism, and the concept of "space bluey" because that made me laugh.

i'm a queer, disabled american woman and to be frank i need something cute with all the (gestures broadly at the u.s) lmao. hope y'all enjoy!

comments are appreciated!

(title from "i do adore" by mindy gledhill)

Chapter 2: little victories

The shrill beep of the alarm rips Jim out of unconsciousness, his swirling nightmares still dancing behind his eyes. He pants, heart ramming in his chest as he tries to calm himself. He closes his eyes, breathing the way that therapist had taught him all those years ago.

In, one… two… three… four.

Out, one… two… three… four.

He repeats that a few times, until his heart is no longer threatening to burst out of him and his throat isn’t nearly sealed up. He sighs, running a hand through his hair and grimacing at how sweaty he is. 

“Great,” he mutters, looking over at the chronometer. Thankfully, he set his alarm with the idea that he could have nightmares at any time, so he’s got enough time for a quick shower before he has to get David up. He grabs his PADD, jotting down what he remembers of the nightmare, then gets out of bed.

Once he’s clean, dried, and has brushed his teeth, he gets dressed for work in the usual order- underwear, socks, pants, undershirt, wedding ring-!

Jim pauses, wincing as he looks down at his hand.

It’s a hard habit to break, after nearly four years of marriage. He can’t deny that he’s felt strange not wearing his ring, almost naked somehow.

But he and Carol agreed that they’d stop wearing them, for David’s sake. Wearing it again, even just for comfort reasons, is only going to confuse the poor kid even more. 

With a sigh, he slips off the ring, putting it on the dresser and moving to strip the bed of the sweaty sheets. He’ll have to change them when he gets home, but if he doesn’t take them off now he’ll likely forget to do it until it’s time for bed. He stretches, then walks over to David’s room, opening the door slowly.

“David,” he croons softly. The lump on the bed lets out a groan, and Jim chuckles, walking over to his bed. He puts a hand near the top of the lump, rubbing it gently. “David, honey, time to get up.”

“Don’t wanna,” David complains.

“I know, buddy, but you gotta get up now or else we’re gonna be late. The campus is open for move-in, remember? I gotta be there to prep my courses.”

“Don’t waaaannnaaaaaaaaaaa…”

“You don’t want to go to daycare?” Jim asks. 

“Uh-uh.”

Jim lets out a heavy sigh.

“Well, that’s too bad. I guess you won’t get to build that fort you were talking about all weekend.”

David freezes, and Jim bites back a smirk. Sure enough, he pops up in bed, hair wild and hanging in front of his eyes.

“I’m awake!” He declares, all but jumping out of bed and rushing out of the room.

“Remember to brush your teeth!” Jim calls.

“I knoooooooow!” David drawls. 

“And don’t slam the-!”

The bathroom door slams, and Jim winces.

“Door.”

Jim sighs, shaking his head as he heads for the kitchen. He makes scrambled eggs and toast for both himself and David, then pours a glass of milk for his son and a cup of coffee for himself. Once that’s done, he grabs his pillbox and takes his medication.

By the time that David comes tumbling out of the bathroom, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Jim has his PADD open to his Academy account and is checking over his lesson plans for the first few weeks of the session. David yawns as he gets in the chair, smacking his lips together as he picks up a piece of toast.

“Daddy, can I watch Meii’shi on your PADD?”

“Aw, I’m sorry, buddy, I have to look over my lesson plans.”

“Aww,” David whines, moping a bit as he starts eating.

“Sorry, kiddo, sometimes that’s the breaks.”

“What are ‘the breaks?’”

Jim opens his mouth, then closes his mouth and furrows his brow.

“Y’know, I’m not sure. It’s just a saying I’ve heard all my life.”

“That’s a long time,” David comments seriously.

“Hey, I’m only thirty!” Jim replies jokingly.

“That’s a billion times older than me!” David argues.

Jim laughs, leaning over and ruffling his son’s hair. 

“Well, one day when you’re thirty you’ll think differently. Now, eat your breakfast, we gotta get moving.”

---

Somehow, they manage to make it to the Academy right on time- which, technically, is extremely early, but Jim prefers that to the possibility of being late.

“Good morning, Kirks!” Jeremy greets with his usual cheer.

“Hi Mr. Jeremy!” David replies, running up to him. “I’m the first one here today, right?”

“Actually, today you’re the second one here.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise as David’s mouth opens in shock.

“For real life?!” He shouts. “But we’re always first, cause Daddy doesn’t like to be late!”

“Well, the new quantum mechanics professor doesn’t like to be late either, it seems.”

“Oh, right, Dr. Whitmer retired at the end of the last term.” Jim smiles. “Well, David, I think you’ve got a great opportunity to make a new friend.”

David grins and nods. Jim smiles back, dropping to one knee.

“C’mere,” he says, holding open his arms. David all but jumps into them, wrapping his arms around Jim’s neck and squeezing. Jim hugs him back, then pulls back to look him in the eye. “I love you, kiddo. Be good today, okay?”

“I love you too, Daddy. Can I go play now?”

Jim laughs, pressing a kiss to his forehead before letting him go. 

“Go have fun.”

“Okay, bye bye!” David shouts as he runs into the daycare room. 

Jim lets out a sigh as he stands up.

“Let me know if he has any problems today, yeah? We’ve been working on the sharing issue, but I’m not sure how well it’s going.”

“I’ll let you know,” Jeremy promises. “Have a good day, Commander.”

“You too, Jeremy,” Jim replies before turning to walk away.

The Sciences Building is further away from the daycare center than the Command Building is, though not so much that Jim can’t make it on foot. He’s glad he’s been coming in since last Wednesday, since the building is quite a bit different than where his office used to be. Plus, it’s given him a chance to get ahead on his lesson plans.

“Morning, Gaila,” he greets as he joins her in the elevator.

“Morning,” she mumbles, sipping what Jim hopes is her first coffee of the day, but in all likelihood is probably her second. She pauses, squinting at him. “Wait, are you in the right building? This is Sciences.”

Jim furrows his brow.

“I know, Gaila. They had to move all of us around while they’re fixing the structural issues they found a couple weeks ago in the Command Building, remember? We all got messages about it.”

“Oh yeah, that. Wait, shit, did you get your stuff out of there?”

“Yeah, uh, I got all of it out when I moved to the new apartment, so it wasn’t there when the problems started. Had to spend all of last Wednesday moving it here.”

“Aw, sorry I couldn’t help.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Jim says as the elevator doors open. “You were on Risa, after all.”

“Mm, yeah,” Gaila says before sighing dreamily. “I swear, if a posting opens there I’m jumping at it.”

“I highly doubt living on Risa 24/7 is anything like going on vacation there, Gaila.”

“I’m willing to take the risk,” Gaila replies as they round the corner. “Oh, look like Dr. Whitmer’s replacement is here already.”

“Yeah, they dropped off their kid before I dropped off David.”

“Wow, someone at the daycare even earlier than David? Poor Jeremy.”

Jim rolls his eyes as he goes to look at the placard next to the door.

“Dr. Spock. Huh, no first name.”

“That probably is their first name. Most Vulcans don’t list their surnames off-Vulcan.”

“Really? Why not?”

“They’re hard for most non-Vulcans to pronounce.”

Jim gives her a look.

“And I assume you’re not including yourself in that number?”

“I know lots of things, Jimbo,” Gaila replies lightly, patting him on the shoulder as she passes by. 

Jim rolls his eyes, then knocks on the door, opening it a second later.

“Hi, Dr. Spock? I’m Jim Kirk, I’m in the office next to yours. Just thought I should introduce-!”

The office’s occupant turns to look at him, raised eyebrows the only thing belying an otherwise impassive face, and Jim feels himself turn red.

“Oh, uh,” he manages, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Well, it’s- it’s a small world, huh?”

“The likelihood that we would meet again, let alone be employed by the same institution, is extremely low,” Spock agrees.

“Right, yeah…” Jim clears his throat, trying not to get distracted by how good he looks in his plum turtleneck. “Well, it’s- I’m glad we’ve formally introduced ourselves, at least.”

“I am also pleased to formally make your acquaintance.”

Jim forces a smile, then clears his throat.

“Well, uh, if- if you need any help figuring the campus out, just let me know.”

“I do not foresee that being an issue, but thank you.”

“Sure, sure.” Jim takes a step back. “Well, if- if you need anything, my door is open.”

He turns before Spock can say anything, quickly walking out of Spock’s office and speeding into his own. He closes the door, then covers his face with his hands.

“Fuck.”

---

Jim throws himself into his work for the next few hours, trying to keep himself distracted from the person in the office next to him.

To be fair, it’s not that hard- he’s still got a lot of work to do setting up for his “Intro to Tactics” course- but he’s not going to lie and say that he doesn’t find himself remembering last week and cringing more than once. The discomfort grows on him like moss, creeping down his body and making him feel so out of sorts that-!

A sudden knock at the door, followed by said door opening, makes Jim jump to his feet.

“Look, I-!”

“Whoa, hey,” Gaila says, holding up the hand that isn’t clasping a to-go bag, “it’s just me. I brought lunch.”

Jim deflates a bit, clearing his throat as he sits back down.

“I- sorry, Gaila, I just… I guess I’m a little on edge.”

“I’ll say,” Gaila replies as she walks over to Jim’s desk. “Geez, what happened with Dr. Spock? He wasn’t a dick, was he?”

Jim shakes his head as he takes the chicken sandwich Gaila hands him.

“No, no, he was perfectly polite. It’s just…”

He trails off, face heating as he unwraps his sandwich.

“It’s just what?” Something seems to click for her, and she grins. “Ooh, is he cute?”

“No- well, yes, but that’s only part of the issue.” He takes a breath. “You remember that story I told you about David wandering off in the grocery store last week?”

“The one about the hot dad whose cart he ran into? Yeah, why- no.”

“Yep,” Jim drawls before taking a bite of his sandwich. 

“Jesus, that’s a hell of a coincidence. Did he say anything?” Gaila asks as she digs her burger out of the bag.

“No, but I know he recognizes me.” Jim sighs. “Not exactly an auspicious start to our acquaintanceship, is it? First I lose track of my kid, then I look like a complete fool trying to find an excuse for staring at him.”

“Hey, he’s a dad, he probably gets it.”

“He’s Vulcan, their kids are probably perfect and logical from the jump,” Jim mopes.

Gaila snorts as Jim takes another bite.

“Look, I don’t have kids, and I don’t plan on having any, but even I know that no species comes out of the womb- or egg- perfectly well-behaved. I’m sure you’d find that he understands that sometimes kids are wild little weirdos if you just talked to him.”

Jim swallows a bite, then shakes his head.

“Nope, can’t do that. I told him I recognized him from his work, remember? If he asks about something he’s written, he’ll know for sure I lied.”

“You could just tell him that you were mistaken,” Gaila argues. “Honestly, Jim, I think you’re way overthinking this. You’re flustered cause he’s cute and he saw you have something of a parenting failure, and that’s something you’re a little insecure about.”

“... you know, I’m really glad you turned down Section 31,” Jim mutters before taking another bite of his sandwich.

Gaila shrugs.

“What can I say, my love of astrophysics is greater than my love of making people squirm.” She points a fry at him. “Seriously, though, just talk to the guy. Get everything cleared up, and if he does turn out to be a dick, so what? It’s not like you’ll ever see him outside of faculty meetings.”

Jim exhales slowly, putting his sandwich down.

“You’re right. I probably am just overthinking this. I just… I don’t know, between work and David I feel like I haven’t had time for anything else in forever, especially with Carol off-planet. Maybe I’m just stressed.”

“Hm. Well, sounds like you need a night out, then.”

Jim groans, lolling his head back against his chair.

“Gaila, not this again.”

“Come on, Jim. I’m not saying we go clubbing like we did back when we were students, just- maybe a bar? Or a non-family restaurant? Some place where you can stop being ‘dad’ for a few hours.” Gaila taps her fingers against the desk. “Maybe even meet someone?”

“Gaila.”

“I know, I know, just- look, you and Carol separated six months ago. And I know you’re not looking to get back together with her-!”

Jim snorts.

“Definitely not.”

“Right, so, why not try getting back out there? I’m not saying you need to be picking out a step-parent for David, just have a little fun.”

Jim closes his eyes, counting down from ten. 

“I know it’s been six months, Gaila, but I was married for four years, and I haven’t been single in six. I only recently stopped wearing my wedding ring- hell, this morning I had to remind myself not to put it on.” He shakes his head. “My feelings toward Carol might not be what they were, but I don’t think I’m ready to date yet, even casually.”

Gaila gives him a sympathetic smile, then leans back in her chair.

“Alright, dating’s off the table, I get it. But you do need to get out of the house without David more. Otherwise you’re gonna lose it, and then who’s gonna be my best friend?”

“Ah, so you do have an ulterior motive,” Jim drawls sarcastically.

“Of course I do, Jim, keep up.” She points another fry at him. “You know what, leave it to me. I’ll figure out a way for you to get out of the house and spend time with adults in a non-kids-oriented setting.”

“I’m gonna be honest, that kind of scares me a little.”

The wicked grin Gaila gives him does nothing to assuage his nerves.

---

“Daddy!”

Jim grins from ear to ear as David runs up to him, catching him in a hug and standing up.

“Hey, buddy! Did you miss me?”

“No!”

“... ouch,” Jim replies, only a little serious.

“I didn’t miss you cause I was having too much fun with my new friend! We played fort and blocks and Meii’shi and then we had snacks and she had animal crackers too!”

“Oh, yeah?” Jim says, shifting David around in his arms. “Why don’t you point her out to me? If her parent is here, we can set up a playdate.”

“Yeah!” David cheers as he starts scanning the crowd of children and faculty members. “She’s riiiiiiiight… there!”

He points right at a little Vulcan girl with curly brown hair in a striped sweater, and Jim’s stomach drops, dropping even more when he sees Spock standing next to her talking to one of the daycare attendants.

“Saavik!” David yells before Jim can even think to say anything. The little girl- Saavik looks over at them, and to Jim’s surprise her face lights up as she waves wildly. 

This, in turn, causes Spock to look over. Jim goes rigid, glancing away.

“Daddy, let’s go see them, please please pleaaaaaaaseeee?”

“Oh, I- I wish we could, honey, but, uh, we… I just remembered we have something else to do.”

“We do?”

“Yeah, I… I promised Nana and Grandpa we’d call them!”

David gasps, eyes going huge.

“Nana Grandpa!” He shouts before pushing on Jim’s shoulder. “Come on, come on, let’s gooooo!”

Jim bites back a sigh of relief, forcing a smile and waving at Spock and Saavik before quickly making his way out of the pick-up room with David in his arms.

He’ll talk to Spock again soon, he promises himself.

Just as soon as he figures out how to explain himself.

---

“No!” 

“Just one piece of broccoli,” Jim tries, exasperation and irritation bubbling up under the surface.

“I don’t like broccoli!” David shouts, pushing his plate away. 

“You loved it three days ago,” Jim reminds him. 

“I don’t like this broccoli! It’s bad!”

“David, there is nothing different between the broccoli you had three days ago and the broccoli we’re having now. I bought it at the exact same time. You were there when I bought it!”

“It’s yucky!”

Jim resists the urge to drag his hands down his face. He takes a deep breath, then exhales slowly, reminding himself that no one in history has ever truly won an argument with a three-year-old. 

He tries to think of a solution, one that doesn’t involve bribing him with a cookie- that might have worked, but it definitely wasn’t worth David throwing a tantrum the next day when Carol refused to give him a cookie in exchange for eating vegetables.

Nor was it worth that argument, even if Jim’s accepted he made the wrong call there.

So, no bribery. He can’t keep him at the table til he eats it, either- David’s as stubborn as any other Kirk.

Though, Jim’s also met Carol’s father, so he’s pretty sure it’s not all his side of the family’s fault.

Jim tries to think back to his own childhood. What did his mom do when he or Sam refused to eat their vegetables?

A memory pops up, and he blinks, then smiles in a way that he hopes isn’t too manic.

“Okay, you know what? How about this- I can do some magic and make it not yucky.”

David gives him a suspicious look.

“How?”

“It’s a secret. If you want me to do the magic, you have to close your eyes and not open them til I say so.”

David still looks suspicious, but folds his arms across his chest and closes his eyes. 

“Good choice,” Jim says as he picks up David’s plate. He stands up, walking over to the counter and putting the plate down on it before heading for the spice cabinet. It takes him a second to locate the ranch seasoning, but once he does, he grabs it, turning back to the plate and sprinkling some on the broccoli. 

“Alright, kiddo, go ahead and open your eyes,” Jim says as he puts the plate down in front of David.

David opens his eyes, furrowing his brow as he looks at the plate.

“What did you do to it?”

“I told you, magic. Come on, give it a shot. If you still don’t like it, then you can be done.”

David makes a face, but spears a piece with his fork, taking a cautious bite. 

His eyes go wide.

“It’s good!” David declares around his mouthful of food. Jim lets out a sigh of relief, smiling tiredly.

“See? Your dad knows a few things.”

David nods, then eats the rest of his broccoli without complaint- hell, he even seems to enjoy it. Once he’s done, he pushes his plate away.

“All done!”

“Great job, kiddo,” Jim says, reaching over to ruffle his hair before taking the plate away. He stacks it on top of his own, bringing them both to the sink. 

“Daddy, can I watch Meii’shi while you do the dishes?”

Jim hums as he turns on the faucet.

“Mm… one episode, then it’s bathtime.”

David gasps.

“No!”

“Sorry, buddy, it’s bath night.”

“No it’s not!”

“Yeah, it is. I put it on the calendar and everything. I know you don’t like baths, David, but you have to stay clean.”

“NO!” David yells. This is followed by the sound of little feet pounding against the wood floor, and Jim lets out a groan.

“For the love of-! David! David Leonard Kirk, you get back here!”

---

Thirty minutes later, Jim has pulled David out from under his bed and gotten him through his bath, though he didn’t escape without getting soaked himself. The rest of their bedtime routine goes smoothly, though David requests two extra stories before finally conking out. Once he’s down for the night, Jim trudges over to the couch, collapsing on it with a long, heavy sigh.

Three seconds later, he remembers that there are still dishes in the sink. He groans, then forces himself to get up and finish cleaning up. 

Once the kitchen is acceptably clean- he’ll do a deep clean this weekend, he promises himself- he collapses back on the couch, closing his eyes and letting out a long, exhausted sigh as he finally relaxes.

Which is of course when his PADD beeps. 

“For fuck’s sake,” Jim mutters, sitting up to grab it off the end table. He has a few messages- check-in’s from Bones and Nyota, a thanks from Sam for the gift he sent over for Peter’s birthday, a couple notifications from work, and one message from Gaila on the faculty messaging app. That seems to be what set the PADD off, and Jim frowns, opening the message. 

Lt. Cmdr. Gaila Hexis-Kyse: So there’s a faculty party at Flanagan’s on Friday night- one last hurrah before the school year starts. Technically it’s only for Sciences, but Command and Operations show up all the time. I think this would be a great way for you to get out of the house! Think about it, for me?

Jim sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He starts up a message to turn her down, and maybe remind her that the faculty messaging app was supposed to be used for Academy business only just to be an ass, when the photo on the end table catches his eye. 

It’s the one of him and Bones right before they left for their first assignment, grinning from ear to ear with their arms around each other’s shoulders. 

It was only eight years ago, but it feels like a lifetime. He’d been so carefree, so confident, so ready to take on the entire universe. 

He was going to be a captain.

And now…

Now he’s too nervous to talk to a cute guy he made an idiot of himself in front of.

Jim takes a deep breath, then picks up the PADD.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: I’ll come.

Notes:

i've said this before, but gaila is that one character with pretty much no screen time that i love for no discernable reason, and i think she deserves better

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 3: if you're lonely (come be lonely with me)

Notes:

tw: depiction of sensory overload

“It was great meeting you, Dr. Spock.”

Spock nods as he escorts his teaching assistant to the door.

“It was pleasant to meet you as well, Shror. I will see you on Monday at eight A.M.”

Shror nods, and Spock watches him walk down the hall. He is about to return to his desk when he hears the door next to his office open; when he turns to look, he meets the eye of one Jim Kirk, whose own eyes are wide in an expression his mother has referred to as “deer-in-the-headlights.”

“Ah, um,” Kirk smiles tightly, nodding at him. “Afternoon.”

“Good afternoon,” Spock replies. “Have you had a pleasant day thus far?”

“Yep, just fine,” Kirk says somewhat quickly as he closes the door behind him. “You?”

“My day has been satisfactory.”

“Good to hear.” He smiles again, then turns away. “Well, have a good one!”

He walks away at a brisk pace, turning the corner before Spock can call out to him. Spock bites back a sigh, walking back into his office. 

Yet again, Kirk has brushed him off.

Spock has examined both of their interactions thoroughly, and though he admits he may be biased, he cannot find a single thing he may have done to offend Kirk. He does not expect friendship based solely on the fact that their children are friends, but this level of avoidance, at least to his mind, seems uncalled for. Were it not for the fact that Kirk seems to have no issue with David and Saavik’s burgeoning friendship, aside from the apparent excuses he makes not to speak to Spock at daycare pick-up, he would assume he has some bias against Vulcans, but clearly that is not the problem- or at least, not large enough of one for Kirk to discourage the friendship.

Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that Kirk’s issue is with Spock himself, for whatever reason. 

He finds this… disconcerting. 

He knows he should not- he is thirty-three, and after a lifetime of being judged and ostracized by his peers he should be used to it. 

As a Vulcan, he should not even feel such a desire to be liked. That is something he worked hard to overcome, that he left behind when he passed the kahs-wan.

He should not care, outside of the fact that it makes it difficult to set up the activity known as a “playdate.”

He should not care.

And yet.

Spock sighs as he sits down at his desk, shaking his head. His PADD beeps, breaking him away from his thoughts. He picks it up, looking at the notification. It is a reminder of the gathering at a bar called Flanagan’s set up for the Sciences faculty tomorrow night, a last call to confirm attendance. 

He had not planned on attending this gathering- nor indeed any non-formal gathering where his attendance was not required. As a parent, such a thing seems frivolous, and as a matter of personal preference he does not particularly enjoy this type of party.

To be entirely fair, he is not much one for parties in general, but this type of informal gathering is even less appealing than a dinner party would be.

Perhaps, though, he was too quick to dismiss the idea. After all, he has never been to this type of gathering- such parties are not thrown by Vulcans, and moving to San Francisco is the first time he has lived in a place without a majority Vulcan population. 

Perhaps, then, it is in his best interest to branch out a bit, so to speak. He has yet to meet the majority of his colleagues, let alone forge any real connections. Given that his sabbatical from the Vulcan Science Academy will last at least through the school year, it would behoove him to form those connections. 

At the very least, it will help Saavik become more used to being cared for by people who are not himself or his parents- Jeremy has told him that she has had issues calming down when he leaves her at daycare. And while he admits some hesitation at the idea of putting himself in a place with both a large amount of people and a large amount of noise, her well-being is always his first priority. 

Spock takes a breath, then opens the message, confirming his attendance before turning to search for a sitter.

---

“She is to be in bed by seven.”

“Got it.”

“If she finishes her dinner by six, she is allowed to watch two episodes of Meii’shi.”

“Oh, my sister’s kids love that show.”

“She is allowed to pick one book to be read once she is in bed. Only one. She may try to convince you to read one more, but that is a tactic to delay sleep.”

“Standard kid stuff.”

“She may also attempt to convince you that she is allowed to have ice cream. She is not.”

“Dr. Spock-!”

“However, if she finishes her dinner on time, she is allowed one cookie-!”

“Dr. Spock,” Mae interrupts, a smile on her face. “I know. You put it in your original request message to the sitter service.”

She jabs her thumb toward the kitchen.

“And pinned a note to the fridge.”

Spock frowns.

“I simply want to make sure we are clear on what is expected of you. It is important for Saavik to stay as close to her normal routine as possible, so as to minimize the effects of my not being here.”

“And I understand that, but I think you might be overthinking things. It’s just one night, she’ll be okay.”

Spock clenches his jaw, but cedes the point- one night is not likely to be a significant issue in the long term.

“Very well. If you encounter any issues, please do not hesitate to contact me.”

“I will,” Mae promises. 

Spock nods, then walks over to where Saavik is sitting on the couch. He crouches down so that he is at her eye level.

“Saavik, I am going to leave now,” he tells her, signing along. “Please be on your best behavior for the sitter. Remember that she does not have a parental bond with you and thus you will have to sign with her if you need anything.”

Saavik nods, and Spock leans in, pressing his forehead to hers. 

“I will see you in the morning,” he promises. Saavik nods again as he pulls away, then returns to her book, clearly believing the conversation to have reached its conclusion.

Spock gets up and turns back to Mae.

“I expect to return no later than 10 PM. If I am delayed, I will inform you via comm message and compensate you for the overtime.”

“Sounds good. I’ll call if we need anything, and I’ll make sure to message you once she’s asleep.”

Spock nods, then glances at Saavik one last time.

He pushes down the rush of anxiety, taking a deep breath before leaving the apartment.

It will be fine. This will be good for both of them.

And if he keeps repeating that, he will eventually believe it.

---

Flanagan’s is a medium-sized establishment approximately three blocks away from campus. It is one of the few bars in the area not typically frequented by students from either Starfleet Academy or the University of San Francisco, making it something of a hotspot for faculty and Starfleet members on leave alike. 

In concept, a “bar” like this is something Spock is somewhat familiar with- there are establishments on Vulcan that are similar, though there is less of a focus on consuming intoxicating beverages. Indeed, consuming anything intoxicating in public at all is highly out of the norm on Vulcan.

Spock will freely admit that he does not understand the appeal; however, he will also admit his knowledge on non-Vulcans, Humans especially, is both limited and largely theoretical. The only Human he has spent much time around is his own mother, and she has stated in the past that she does not care much for Human social norms. 

Even if, at the end of the academic year, he decides the best thing for Saavik is to live on Vulcan, he should become more familiar with non-Vulcans- it will be useful to know for the coming year.

This will be good for him.

Or at least, so he reminds himself as he gets out of his hovercar. He takes a breath as he locks the door behind him, clenching his fist to ground himself.

It will be fine. He can do this.

With that, Spock walks across the street, opening the door to the bar after another moment of hesitation.

His senses are immediately subjected to an onslaught of stimuli- loud music, people laughing, the stench of various alcoholic beverages and fried foods. He wrinkles his nose, turning his head to take one last breath of fresh air, then walks inside.

Despite the noise, not many people have arrived yet. Those who are here are scattered into small groups or sitting at the bar. He scans the room, looking for someone who he may be able to converse with-!

“Hi!”

Spock nearly jumps, eyebrows raised as he turns to his left. A vaguely familiar-looking Orion woman with bright red hair smiles up at him. She is clad in a deep blue mini-dress and a pleather jacket, as well as heels that add at least two inches to her height. 

“Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock, right?” She asks.

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Yes. And you are?”

She grins, holding up the ta’al.

“Lieutenant Commander Gaila Hexis-Kyse. My office is two doors down from yours.”

“Ah, I see.” Now he does recognize her- typically she wears glasses and has a cup of coffee in her hand, and is not as nicely-dressed as she is now. He salutes her with the ta’al. “I am pleased to formally make your acquaintance.”

“Same here. So, listen, can I ask you for a favor?”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Is it typical to ask a favor of someone you have just met?”

Hexis-Kyse shrugs.

“Honestly, no, but this favor means getting a friend of mine to get his ass in gear.”

Spock purses his lips, then nods- it is not as though he has anything else he needs to do right at this moment.

“Very well. What is the favor?”

“I just need you to talk to my friend. He should be here any- oh! There he is! Hey, Jim!”

Spock tenses, watching as Hexis-Kyse walks over to the door and gives Kirk a hug. He bristles at the sight of him, then turns away, slipping into the growing crowd before he can be seen.

The last thing he needs tonight is to once again be brushed off by Jim Kirk, favor or no favor. 

Once he is far enough from the door, he takes a breath, counting backwards from ten. 

He will not allow this to affect his night. He came here with a goal in mind, and he will complete that goal.

Spock is going to have a pleasant time here.

---

Spock is not having a pleasant time. He clenches his jaw, counting backward from ten as he holds onto his glass of water tightly. The noise of the bar buzzes in his brain, the contrast of the constant hum of conversations, stomping feet against the dance floor, and blaring music making his skin feel tight. People keep brushing or bumping into him in the crowd, the whispers of their thoughts slipping past his diminished mental shields. 

This, perhaps, was not one of his best ideas after all. He has only spoken to a few of his colleagues over the course of the past hour, and none of the conversations he’s had have been particularly engaging. 

However, he will not be defeated by this. He must persevere, even if his head feels like it is about to explode-!

“Whoops!”

Something soaks his shoulder, and the stench of cheap beer floods his nostrils. His stomach turns as he hears someone apologize, but it’s as if the apology is happening at a distance, almost in another room with a door between them.

Spock’s heart roars in his ears, over-aware of the air entering and escaping his lungs. His skin suddenly feels too tight, energy buzzing in a just-barely-not-painful way through his fingers and toes. The air is thick, the noise of the party filling his head, and he swallows, trying to count backwards from ten, to focus on anything but the overwhelming stimuli around him-!

Someone else bumps into him, and something in Spock snaps. He all but runs toward the front door, avoiding touching anyone as best as he can before getting out of the bar.

The chilled air nips at the tips of Spock’s ears, providing a small, but not unwelcome shock to his system that tears him out of his overstimulated haze. He leans up against the front of the bar and closes his eyes, taking deep breaths and exhaling as he clenches and unclenches his fists. 

Slowly, the worst of it fades away, peace returning in the relative silence of the night. 

After a moment, he opens his eyes, sighing quietly. 

His instincts were correct. A party is not a suitable environment for him to be in- at least, not this type of party. There is far too much noise and far too many people for him to feel at ease, which means socialization will be much more difficult. He will need to find another avenue to socialize with his peers, perhaps in a more-!

“Hey, are you okay?”

Spock jolts a bit, eyes wide as he looks in the direction of the door. Kirk holds up his hands, seeming apologetic.

“Whoa, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. I just saw you leave the bar looking a little distressed and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Spock feels himself flush a bit; if he had become so overstimulated that it showed on his face, then he truly should have left the bar much earlier than he did. 

“I-!” Spock winces at the roughness of his voice. “I am fine.”

Kirk furrows his brow.

“You sure?”

Spock nods.

“Alright, well, sorry to disturb you.” Kirk smiles, and Spock’s stomach flips in a much more pleasant way than before. “I’ll get out of your hair.”

A thought occurs to Spock, and he reaches out a hand.

“Wait, please.”

Kirk stops as he opens the door, looking over at Spock with a puzzled expression.

“Yes?”

“I… why did you…”

Spock’s words still feel heavy in his mouth, and he grimaces.

“Need a second?” Kirk asks after a moment, voice surprisingly gentle. 

Spock nods again, then takes a breath, attempting to center himself. It’s not quite the meditation he will need in order to fully process the sensory overload, but it is enough to calm himself, and he exhales slowly.

“Better?” Kirk asks.

“Much, thank you.” Spock looks over at him. “Now, may I ask why you came after me?”

Kirk blinks, furrowing his brow.

“Uh… well, I told you, I saw that you looked a little distressed, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I understand that. What I do not understand is why you care.”

Kirk blinks, then raises an eyebrow.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I simply do not understand why you would come to check on me when you have made it very clear that you do not like me.”

Kirk’s other eyebrow rises to meet the first.

“I- what? Why would you think I don’t like you?”

“In every instance that we have encountered each other, you have made excuses to leave before we could have an actual conversation. On one occasion, I saw you turn into an empty office upon seeing me. Saavik also informed me that David told her you have been making excuses not to speak to me at daycare pick-up.”

Kirk’s face reddens steadily with each instance he notes, clearing his throat and glancing away once Spock finishes speaking.

“You, uh- you noticed all of that, huh?”

“It was difficult not to.” Spock turns to face him, folding his arms behind his back. “And while I am unsure what I have done to make you dislike me-!”

“I don’t!” Kirk says quickly. He reddens again, clearing his throat once more. “I- look, I don’t dislike you.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Your behavior contradicts that.”

“I know, I know, I just…” Kirk sighs, leaning against the wall and tilting his head back. “Look, I was- I was embarrassed, alright?”

Spock blinks, then furrows his brow.

“For what reason were you embarrassed?”

Kirk looks over at him, brow furrowed.

“Uh, the part where I took my eye off my kid and he took off across the store? And then ran headfirst into your cart?”

Spock tilts his head.

“That is something that happens to nearly every parent.” He pauses. “Perhaps not the part where he ran into my cart, but it is not uncommon for a child to have the urge to wander, or to misbehave in public. I have had such issues with Saavik myself.”

Kirk’s eyebrows rise.

“Oh?”

Spock folds his arms behind his back.

“Three months ago, I took my eyes off of her while clothes shopping. She walked to the other side of the store and began pulling pants off of the display table. When I tried to approach her, she ran from me while screaming.”

Kirk blinks, then snorts, covering his face with his hand; in the back of his mind, Spock notes that he has a very pleasant laugh.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t- shouldn’t laugh, just- god, I know what that’s like.”

Spock nods.

“I have come to the conclusion that, while every child is different, and different species develop differently, there are more similarities than differences.” He takes a step towards Kirk. “Parenting is difficult enough without casting judgment on each other. In most instances, we should allow each other, and ourselves, some grace.”

Kirk smiles a little.

“That’s pretty wise.”

“It is something my mother told me,” Spock admits. “I have found it helpful to remember in some of the more taxing moments.”

“Wise woman,” Kirk says before clearing his throat. “I, uh, I am sorry that I avoided you, just to be clear. Regardless of my motive, it was pretty rude of me.”

“I accept your apology. Though, I must admit some curiosity as to why you were so embarrassed about it.”

Kirk sighs again.

“I guess I’ve just been having trouble adjusting to do it all on my own. David’s mom and I have been separated for a while, so I’ve gotten a little bit used to it, but with her off-planet the only non-dad time I’ve had for the past month has been when he’s asleep, or more recently while I’m at work.” Kirk runs a hand through his hair. “He’s a good kid for the most part, but… well, I guess I’m just bad at giving myself some grace when I screw up in this area.”

“I see.” Spock takes another step towards him. “While I cannot guarantee that it will ever be easy, I can say with certainty that I have gotten used to doing everything on my own as time has passed.”

Kirk looks surprised.

“All on your-? Oh. Oh, uh, is- is Saavik’s other parent not in the picture?”

“Saavik is adopted,” Spock explains. 

“Ah. You know, I thought you two didn’t look that much alike, but I figured she just resembled her other parent more.” Kirk clears his throat. “So, it’s, it’s just the two of you, then?”

“It is.” Spock frowns. “Why do you ask?”

Kirk flushes a bit.

“Oh, uh, just making small talk.” 

“I see.” Spock leans against the wall. “Are you originally from San Francisco?”

Kirk blinks, furrowing his brow as he looks over at him.

“That’s… a little bit of a non-sequitur.”

“I apologize, I was also trying to make ‘small talk.’”

Kirk blinks again, then laughs, shaking his head.

“Ah, I see. No, actually, I’m from Iowa. My family owns a farm near a little town called Riverside. I first moved here when I was accepted into the Academy, and Carol and I settled down here when we got married and had David. What about you, where are you from?”

“ShiKahr. My family home is located just outside the city.”

“I’ve never been, is it nice there?”

Spock considers this for a moment.

“For a Vulcan, it is considered very pleasant. Other species who are used to more temperate climates might not find it to be such.”

“That’s true. I suppose San Francisco is a little cold to you.”

“Somewhat, though as a Vulcan I am able to regulate my internal body temperature in order to better adjust to the temperature difference.”

“Really? That’s kind of amazing.”

Spock resists the urge to preen a bit.

“It is a result of our meditative practices. We are taught from a young age to gain perfect control over ourselves.”

“Perfect control, huh?” The corners of Kirk’s lips quirk upward. “Does that ever get boring?”

Moments of youthful rebellion flash through his mind, and Spock inclines his head a bit.

“It was something I struggled with when I was younger, but as I’ve grown older I’ve come to see its benefits.”

“Huh. I guess I can see how it would be helpful, though I don’t know if I could do it.”

“It is not for everyone,” Spock agrees. 

“I do find it impressive, though.”

“Indeed?”

“Yeah.” Kirk smiles, and for some reason Spock finds himself fixated on the way that his hazel eyes sparkle in the light from the streetlamps. “Just a hunch, but I think you might be a pretty impressive guy, Dr. Spock.”

Spock feels his heart skip a beat, and he suppresses the urge to smile.

“Thank you.” A thought occurs to him. “Did you recognize me, then?”

“Hm?”

“In the grocery store. You said that you most likely recognized me from my work.”

Kirk blinks, then flushes a bit, clearing his throat. 

“Ah, I- no, no, it turns out I mistook you for someone else.”

Spock frowns.

“Are you certain?” 

“Yeah, sorry. You just- sort of look like someone else I read about, you know?”

Spock does not know- in fact, he doubts he bears a strong resemblance to any other Vulcan besides his own father. He admits the difference is not as noticeable to Humans as it is to Vulcans, but he can’t imagine that it’s completely unnoticeable. He opens his mouth to dispute Kirk’s claim, but before he can speak the door to the bar opens.

“There you are!” Hexis-Kyse says as she exits the bar. “I’ve been looking for you for like, twenty minutes!”

“Sorry, just needed a little air,” Kirk replies. 

“Coulda told me you were going out before I spent all that time looking for you,” she points out before her eyes fall on Spock. “Oh, uh, hey, didn’t see you there, Dr. Spock.”

“Commander,” Spock greets.

Hexis-Kyse glances between them, clearing her throat.

“So, uh, everything good here?”

Kirk glances back at Spock, a small smile on his face.

“I think we’re good, right?”

“I believe so,” Spock confirms.

“Great! Glad that’s cleared up.” Hexis-Kyse claps her hands together before gesturing to the door. “Well, I’m gonna head back in, then. You two have fun!”

There’s something strange about her tone, and out of the corner of his eye Spock sees the tips of Kirk’s ears turn red. 

“That woman,” he hears him mutter as he turns back to Spock. “Well, do you want to head back in?”

Spock shakes his head.

“I believe I have had enough of the Terran bar experience for one evening.”

“Yeah, I get that. S’not for everyone.” Kirk clears his throat. “But, uh, before you go, could I maybe give you my comm number?”

Spock blinks, then feels his heart skip a beat again- though he is not personally familiar with non-Vulcans, he did spend enough time secretly researching Human culture online as a teenager to understand what that phrase means. 

“Your comm number?”

“Yeah, so we could maybe set up a playdate between David and Saavik or something?”

“... ah,” Spock says, tamping down on the odd sense of disappointment he feels. “I believe Saavik would enjoy that.”

“I know David would, he thinks she’s great,” Kirk tells him as he takes his comm out of his pocket. “Here, the number is…”

Once Kirk’s number is saved in Spock’s comm, Spock sends him a message.

“Now you have my number as well,” he tells him.

“Perfect. I’ll message you later to see if we can work something out.” 

Spock nods as he puts his comm back in his pocket. 

“I will see you on Monday,” he tells him before turning to head across the street. 

“Hey, uh,” he hears Kirk start. 

He turns back to him, eyebrow raised.

“Yes?”

“I just… I’m glad we got a chance to talk,” Kirk says, a small smile on his face. 

Spock blinks, then nods.

“I am as well. Good night, Commander Kirk.”

“Good night, Dr. Spock.”

Spock nods again, then turns, heading across the street to his hovercar. 

Right before he gets in, he pauses, turning back to look at the bar. To his surprise, he sees Kirk looking back at him from the open door of the bar.

Kirk waves at him, and, without thinking, Spock waves back. He watches him go back into the bar, a sort of hazy feeling settling over him.

His cheeks are strangely warm as he drives back home, and yet he cannot bring himself to care.

Notes:

spock and i share an opinion on bars lmao

comments are appreciated!

(also, quick note- next chapter is going to have slightly heavier topics)

(title from "this side of paradise" by coyote theory)

Chapter 4: first (play) date

Notes:

tw: referenced parental death, referenced major child illness and trauma

Jim exhales slowly, trying to push down the nervous fluttering in his stomach.

He tries to remind himself that there’s nothing to be nervous about; Spock is, for the most part, a fairly nice, understanding guy. Sure, they haven’t really been able to talk much now that the semester’s started, let alone set up that playdate, but he’s enjoyed the little they have gotten to talk. He’d even say they’re starting to be friends.

There’s no reason to be nervous. 

Spock’s just a guy.

A really, really cute guy, but a guy nonetheless.

He takes a breath, then knocks on the door to Spock’s office before opening it.

“Hey, Spock, I was wondering-?”

Jim freezes mid-sentence when he sees Spock talking to an older, somewhat familiar-looking Vulcan man on a vid call. They both turn to look at him, one eyebrow raised each, and Jim clears his throat.

“Ah, sorry, I didn’t realize you were talking to someone.”

“There is no need for apologies. We had just finished our conversation.”

The Vulcan on the screen says something in Vulcan, sounding insistent. Spock turns back to the screen and replies in Vulcan, sounding just as stern. They go back and forth for a moment, the tension in the room rising with each volley, before they fall silent. 

Jim, briefly, wonders if he should leave. He feels a little like he’s intruding on something, despite not knowing nearly enough conversational Vulcan to understand what they’re talking about- at most he’s caught the words “I,” “you,” and a few conjunctions, as well as the name “Spock.” 

Finally, the Vulcan on the screen exhales, holding up the ta’al and saying something that sounds like a farewell. Spock holds up the ta’al as well, bidding him goodbye before the screen goes dark. 

If Jim didn’t know better, he’d think he hears Spock sigh in relief.

“I, uh, hope that wasn’t anything important,” Jim says.

“No, it was not. Your interruption was rather timely, as it so happens.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. He was being… highly persistent, and I was running out of ways to end the conversation politely.”

Jim can’t help but smirk a little.

“Why, Dr. Spock, am I hearing a little irritation?”

Spock raises an eyebrow as he stands up from his desk.

“Irritation? Ah, one of your Earth emotions. Not one with which I am familiar, I can assure you.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head- if there’s one thing he hadn’t expected out of Spock, it’s his sense of humor. 

It does make him all the more attractive, but that’s not something Jim plans to admit to any time soon.

Not to Spock’s face, at least.

“By the way, that person you were talking to looked kind of familiar,” Jim says as Spock gets out from behind his desk.

“I would assume so. He is Vulcan’s Ambassador to the Federation.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“Really? How do you know him, then?”

“He is also my father,” Spock explains as he walks over. 

Somehow, Jim’s eyebrows rise even higher. 

“Your- oh. Oh, wow, I- I would never have guessed.” He pauses, then shrugs. “Well, maybe if I looked at you two next to each other for more than a few seconds.”

“We do bear something of a resemblance,” Spock deadpans, making Jim laugh again.

“Anyway, is everything alright? Seemed a little tense at the end there.”

Spock’s shoulders go rigid, his mouth going pinched.

“We were merely discussing a personal matter.”

Jim frowns, but decides it’s in his best interest not to push it.

“I see. Well, if you’re not busy, then, there’s something I wanted to ask you about.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Indeed?”

“Yeah, I was wondering if you’d figured out your schedule so that we could set up that playdate? David’s been on me about it all weekend.”

“Ah, yes. I apologize for not being able to get back to you sooner, there was an issue with the system regarding the coursework I had submitted for one of my advanced courses.”

“Ugh, I hate it when that happens. You’d think that we’d have better online infrastructure with how often they remind us that we’re training the next generation of Starfleet’s best and brightest.”

“I did suggest improvements to the system to the administration,” Spock replies. “They were… less than receptive to the idea.”

Jim laughs.

“Yeah, that’s about what my experience has been too. If you need someone to back you up with them, though, just let me know.”

“I appreciate that.” Spock folds his arms behind his back. “Getting back to the topic at hand, however, I have had some time to consider potential activities for a playdate.”

Jim blinks.

“Potential activities?”

“Yes. I looked online for any toddler-appropriate activities or events going on in the coming weeks. There are several children’s concerts planned over the next month, as well as a cultural festival with child-focused areas.”

“Uh, wow, I- I was kind of thinking we could just go to the park,” Jim replies, eyebrows raised.

Spock blinks, then clears his throat, glancing away.

“Oh.”

“But, hey, those things sound great! I just don’t know if they’re really things to do on a first playdate. Could be a little overwhelming, especially given how young the kids are.”

“I see.” Spock shifts a bit. “I apologize if I was overzealous, I simply… this is not something I am overly familiar with.”

“This?”

“Facilitating a friendship between children,” he explains. “On Vulcan, things like ‘playdates’ are not typical, especially for younger children.”

“Ah, I see. Well, don’t worry about it too much- you’re still learning.” Jim smiles. “Besides, I think it’s good that you’re trying to give Saavik more varied experiences than she would have gotten on Vulcan.”

Jim swears the corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“Thank you. In any case, the park seems like an appropriate choice of venue.”

“Great! How about Saturday around noon? We could have lunch there.”

“I would be amenable to that.”

“Perfect. Oh, before I forget, Saavik’s not allergic to peanut butter, is she? David’s gotten on a real PB&J kick recently.”

“To my knowledge, she’s never had peanut butter. It is unlikely she would be allergic to it, though. Vulcans and Humans have very few allergens in common.”

“Good to know,” Jim says before his comm beeps. He looks down at it, then sighs. “Sorry, my office hours are over. Gotta head to class.”

“Mine will be ending shortly as well. If I think of any potential issues, I will speak with you at pick-up this evening, or message you about it.”

“I’ll do the same,” Jim says as he heads for the door. He turns to look at Spock, unable to help the little grin on his face. “See you later, Dr. Spock.”

“Goodbye, Commander Kirk,” Spock replies, voice warm despite the neutrality of his expression.

Jim grins, then leaves, allowing the butterflies in his stomach to run wild despite himself.

---

“Hmmm,” Jim drawls as he pretends to look around the room. “Now, where on Earth could David have gone?”

Jim hears a giggle from somewhere behind him, followed by footsteps, and his lips quirk upward. He turns towards the kitchen, looking around.

“Could he be… in the cabinet?” He asks, opening the glasses cabinet. “Oh, no, no little boys in here.”

More giggles as Jim turns to the fridge. 

“Maybe he’s in… here!” He says declaratively as he throws the fridge door open. “No, he’s not in- oh, right, I was gonna check the milk before we left.”

Jim pulls the carton out of the fridge, peering at the expiration date.

“Well, it says we’ve still got a few days before it goes bad… better do the smell check to be sure,” he murmurs as he unscrews the cap, taking a sniff. “Seems okay-!”

“Ah-HEM.”

“Ope, right, better get back to searching,” he says as he quickly screws the cap back on the milk carton, putting it back and closing the fridge. He sees the wet wipes on the counter next to the backpack, mentally reminding himself to put them in before they go. “Okay, now where is he? Doesn’t seem like he’s in the kitchen.”

He walks over to the pantry, opening the door.

“Nope, nobody in the pantry, either. Hmmmmm.” Jim taps his chin. “Well, I guess he must be in the living room, then!”

More giggles as he slowly creeps towards the living room.

“Now, where would David hide?” Jim muses loudly. “Could it be… under the couch?!”

He drops to his knees, probably a little too fast to be good for them, then looks under the couch.

“Hm, no David here… he’s not under the coffee table either…”

Jim grunts as he stands up, rubbing his lower back as he looks around. His eyes catch on the curtains, spying David’s shoes peeking out from the bottom, and he grins.

“Well, I guess he’s just disappeared, then!” Jim starts, an overexaggerated tone of wonder in his voice as he creeps towards the curtain. “He must have developed invisibility powers while I wasn’t looking!”

He stops just in front of the window.

“Unless, of course, he’s right… here!”

Jim pulls back the curtain, expecting a shriek of delight and David trying to run between his legs, but instead finds himself greeted with nothing but a pair of David’s slip-on shoes.

“What the-?”

Something collides with his legs, and Jim yelps as he tries to regain his balance, only noticing a few seconds later that said something is giggling.

“I got you!” David declares as he clings to Jim’s leg. “I trickeded you, Daddy!”

Jim laughs, reaching down to ruffle David’s hair. 

“Sure did, bud.” He grins. “Buuuut you also got close enough for me to do this!”

David shrieks as Jim picks him up, laughing as Jim first kisses his cheek, then buzzes his lips against it. Jim chuckles as he pulls back, adjusting David in his arms.

“Alright, now, we gotta get ready, okay? We don’t want to keep Saavik and Dr. Spock waiting.”

“Okay!” David agrees as Jim puts him down, grabbing his shoes and slipping them back on. “I’m ready!”

Jim glances down, then shakes his head.

“Wrong feet, kiddo.”

“Oh.” David waddles over to the couch, and Jim smiles before heading back to the kitchen to grab their lunches. He puts both in the backpack, then zips it up just as David runs over to him.

“I fixed it!”

Jim glances down, then nods.

“Looks good. I’ll get my shoes on and we can go.” 

“Kay!” David says as Jim walks over to the shoe rack by the door, following him over. He’s quiet for a moment as Jim sits down to put on his shoes, but of course that doesn’t last.

“Hey, Daddy?”

“Mm-hm?”

“How come Saavik doesn’t talk?”

Jim fumbles with his shoelaces, glancing over at David.

“What- uh, why, why do you ask?”

“Well, I asked Saavik why she doesn’t talk, but she just shrugged and pointed to her head and I don’t know what that means. And you’re old, so you know everything!”

Jim chuckles.

“That’s sweet, kiddo, but I don’t know everything.” 

“Oh. Do you know about this, though?”

Jim hesitates, considering his words carefully- this isn’t exactly a conversation he thought he’d have to have for a few more years, and definitely not because of this. He’d noticed, of course, that Saavik isn't exactly a chatterbox, but since neither David or Spock had said anything he’d figured it was best to just leave it alone.

“Sometimes, people’s brains get hurt in a way that affects their ability to do certain things,” Jim explains after a minute. “I think that might have been what she meant.”

“Is her brain broken?” David asks, eyes wide.

“No, no, not at all, just- it’s more like scraping your knee really bad. It’s something that will heal eventually, but it might leave a mark for a long time. Maybe the rest of your life.”

“So Saavik might be able to talk someday?”

“She might, or she might not. There’s no way to tell yet. But, even if she never talks, that doesn’t mean she’s not just as capable or as smart as you are.”

“Saavik’s real smart!” David chirps. “She can put all the alphabet blocks in the right order!”

“... wow, that’s actually really impressive,” Jim says, a little stunned. “How old is she again?”

“Um…” David counts on his fingers, then looks up. “What’s a half of a half?”

“A quarter.”

“Two and a half and a quarter!”

“A half and a quarter is three-quarters, sweetheart.” Jim clears his throat. “Anyway, yeah, Saavik is very smart, even though she doesn’t talk.”

“Mm-hm! And she’s my friend!”

Jim smiles as he finishes tying his shoes.

“Yeah, she’s your friend. That’s the most important part.” He stands up, slinging the backpack over his shoulder. “Now, come on, we gotta get going.”

“Kay!” David replies. 

For about half a minute, everything is calm as Jim gets his keys out of his pocket.

“Daddy?”

“Mm-hm?” Jim replies as he locks the door.

“I hafta go potty.”

Jim blinks, then closes his eyes, biting back a sigh as he unlocks the door again.

---

Even with the slight detour, Jim and David make it to the park right on time. With Spock also having a penchant for being early, though, he fully expects to see them waiting near the small pavilion with picnic tables. 

To his surprise, the pavilion is empty when they get there.

“Huh, that’s weird,” he murmurs, looking down at his watch. 

“We’re s’posed to be at this park, right?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Maybe they got caught in traffic-?”

“SAAVIK!” David shouts, taking off back up the path. Jim turns to look, and sure enough, Spock and Saavik are making their way down, the latter running towards David while waving her hands wildly. The two collide in a hug, and for a second Jim worries that they’ll both topple over, but somehow they manage to keep their balance. He chuckles as he jogs up to them, arriving at the same time as Spock.

“Hey, glad you guys made it. We were wondering where you were.”

“I apologize for our slight tardiness. We had a wardrobe issue.”

“A wardrobe issue?”

“Someone insisted she wear a dress more suited to a formal event than clothes made for playing outside.”

“Ah, I see,” Jim says as he glances down at Saavik, who is clad in overalls and a rainbow-patterned t-shirt, her hair done up in pigtails. She makes quite a pair with Spock in his dark burgundy sweater and black pants. “Well, seems like you managed to convince her.”

“Indeed, though it took the better part of an hour.”

“Daddy, Mister Dr. Spock, we’re gonna go play in the sandbox!” David announces.

“Alright, bud, that sounds good!” Jim gestures after them as they start running. “Shall we?”

Spock nods, and they follow the kids over towards the sandbox. There’s a bench right across the path from it, close enough to get to the kids fast if needed, and they sit down, placing their bags on either side of the bench.

“So, how was your first week teaching at Starfleet Academy?”

“Interesting. I was aware there would be a difference in teaching here vs. the Vulcan Science Academy, but the adjustment has been greater than I expected.”

“How so?”

“The students, mainly. At the VSA, students participate in class regardless of time of day, whereas it is more dependent on time of day here.”

Jim chuckles.

“Yeah, you’re not gonna get many questions from the students at eight in the morning. Honestly you’ll probably see a lot of fluctuation in attendance for those classes. You kinda just have to roll with it. Being flexible will go a long way.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“It seems as though this is wisdom gained through experience.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“I did a year of instructing courses between ship postings early on in my career. According to some, I was a little bit of a hardass.”

He decides not to mention that that particular review came from his ex… whatever Gary was. He’s never really been able to pin down what they were, during the short period Gary was on the Farragut.

“Anyway, just make sure to give them a little leeway, yeah? I’m not saying you should be a pushover, just don’t make things so hard that you give someone a breakdown.” He pauses. “Though, to be fair, there’s a distinct non-zero chance you’ll see at least a couple breakdowns no matter what you do. Comes with the territory.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise, but he nods. 

“I will endeavor to keep that to a minimum.”

Jim chuckles.

“So, you used to teach at the VSA?”

“Technically I still teach there,” Spock tells him. “I am currently on sabbatical.”

“Really? What brings you all the way to San Francisco, then?”

Spock is quiet for a moment, clearly thinking.

“I desired a change in scenery, as the saying goes,” he explains. “I also believed that allowing Saavik to experience other cultures would be good for her development, as I said earlier.”

Jim smiles.

“Well, I’m- we’re happy to have you,” Jim replies, hoping Spock won’t call him on his slip-up.

Something in Spock’s eyes sparkles, but he doesn’t ask, only inclines his head.

“Thank you.”

Jim smiles again, then clears his throat.

“Have you always been a professor?”

“I began teaching during my PhD program,” Spock starts. “But once that was complete, I taught on and off between missions.”

“Missions?”

“Prior to adopting Saavik, I was a member of the Vulcan Expeditionary Group. When I adopted her last year, I began teaching full time.”

Jim hums, shifting on the bench.

“The Vulcan Expeditionary Group, huh? I don’t suppose you’ve got any insight into that one rumor going around on campus, do you?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Rumor?”

“Well, you must know about that incident at the Neutral Zone that happened last year. To hear some of the cadets tell it, we were on the verge of all-out war.” He chuckles. “I’m pretty sure it was just posturing, but try convincing some of the more keen Command track kids… that…”

Jim frowns as he notices how tense Spock’s gotten, hands fisted in his lap tightly and jaw clenched.

“What?”

Spock glances at him, then glances away.

“I-!”

“Daddy, we’re hungry!” David shouts; when Jim looks up, he sees the kids running towards them.

“Already?” Jim glances down at his watch. “Well, I guess it is lunch time. I could eat.”

“I could as well,” Spock replies. He seems to have returned to his regular neutrality, and while Jim kind of wants to get back on topic, he knows that if he doesn’t feed David soon he’s going to have to deal with a tantrum.

“Alright, let’s get over to the pavilion, then!”

David and Saavik both cheer, running towards the pavilion before either Spock or Jim can even get up. Jim laughs softly as he picks up his bag.

“You know, they’re pretty fast for how short their legs are.”

“They have an excess of energy to make up for it,” Spock replies as they make their way over to the pavilion.

“Lunch, lunch, lunch!” David cheers as Jim helps him onto the picnic table bench, patting the table excitedly. He ruffles his hair, then pulls his lunchbox out of his backpack.

“Here ya go- one PB&J with the crusts cut off, baby carrots, and raisins.”

“Thank you!” David chirps right before taking a big bite out of his sandwich. 

Jim pulls his own lunch out of the backpack as he sits down, unpacking the tub of leftover pasta salad he’d brought along. He glances over at Spock and Saavik’s meals; Saavik appears to be happily munching down on a tomato and lettuce sandwich and some grapes, while Spock is eating something out of a tub that looks like vegetables in a muted red sauce.

“What are you having?”

“Pre tarmeeli,” Spock replies. “An apt comparison would be vegetable curry.”

“Really? I’m rather fond of curry, maybe I’ll get some next time I’m at a Vulcan restaurant.”

“I would recommend getting the milder version. Most non-Vulcans find the heat difficult to handle.”

Jim smirks.

“I’m pretty good with heat,” he says before taking a bite of his lunch.

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Most of the dishes considered ‘mildly spicy’ on Vulcan have a Scoville rating comparable to that of a red savina habanero pepper. Truly spicy dishes would, at best, make you violently ill if you do not work up to it.”

“... ah,” Jim replies. “Well, I guess I should take your word on that, Dr. Spock.”

Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“That would indeed be wise.”

Jim’s heart skips a beat, and he glances away, hoping his face doesn’t turn red.

“Daddy, I got stuff on my hands.”

Jim looks over, and sure enough David’s deconstructed his sandwich, his hands covered in a mix of jelly and peanut butter. Saavik’s done the same thing and is currently eating her lettuce like a rabbit, but that seems a lot less messy.

“Why did you do that?”

David shrugs.

“I’unno.”

Jim closes his eyes, taking a breath and letting it go.

“Okay,” he starts, turning back to the backpack and opening it. “Good thing I packed the… wet wipes…”

Jim frowns as he roots around in his bag, pulling it up to his lap.

“What the… I could have sworn that I-!” A memory of seeing the wipes on the counter flashes before him, and he groans. “I left them at the apartment.”

“I brought some,” Spock offers, grabbing his bag and pulling it into his lap. A moment later, he pulls a pack of wet wipes out, and Jim sighs in relief.

“Spock, you’re a lifesaver.”

Spock looks vaguely amused as he holds out the pack, a look that quickly fades when Jim goes to grab it and their fingers brush together. He goes a bit stiff, the tips of his ears turning green.

“Uh… you okay?” Jim asks as he puts the wipes down.

“I am fine,” Spock replies, still seeming a bit off. “I simply am not used to physical touch with non-family members.”

Jim frowns as he takes a wipe from the pack.

“Not typical for Vulcans, I’m guessing?”

“As we are touch telepaths, it is considered impolite at best.”

Jim freezes just before he starts cleaning off David’s hands, the back of his neck heating up.

“I… completely forgot about that,” he admits quietly.

“If you are concerned that I read your thoughts, do not be. The only thing I gleaned was your gratitude for the wipes, which you had already expressed. My mental shields prevent me from seeing any deeper than your surface thoughts.”

Jim lets out a sigh of relief.

“Good to know,” he says as he starts wiping off David’s hands. 

“Mister Dr. Spock, I have a question!” David suddenly declares.

“Yes, David?” 

“What happened to Saavik’s brain?”

Jim freezes again as Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“To what do you refer?”

“Well, Saavik told me that she doesn’t talk cause of something in her head, and when I asked Daddy he said that sometimes people’s brains get hurt and then they can’t do stuff. How did Saavik’s brain get hurt?”

“Ah, I see.”

“You don’t have to-!” Jim starts quickly, only to be interrupted by Spock raising one hand.

“No, it is alright.” Spock looks over at David. “Saavik was very ill for a time when I adopted her. While she recovered from the worst aspects of her illness, she has not been able to speak.”

“Oh. What’s adopted?”

“It means that Saavik is not my biological child.”

David blinks.

“She had different parents when she was born,” Spock clarifies.

“What happened to them?”

Here, Spock hesitates, glancing over at Saavik, who is happily munching on a tomato slice and seemingly oblivious to the conversation.

“They could not take care of her,” he seems to settle on. “Because of that, I adopted her, and now she is my daughter.”

“Oh. Okay!” David looks up at Jim. “Daddy, can we play on the slides?”

“Finish your carrots first,” Jim replies, a little dazed from the abrupt shift in conversation. 

“Awww,” David whines, though he does pick up a baby carrot and start eating it.

Jim glances at Spock as he returns to his pasta salad. He doesn’t look mad, though Jim will admit he’s not exactly easy to read. 

He bites back a sigh as he eats a bit of his food. 

It would be nice, he thinks, if he could stop screwing up in front of this guy.

---

David and Saavik have an excellent time playing on the toddler playground, as expected. They run around- with help and supervision from both Jim and Spock, of course- for about two hours, which typically will be enough to tucker even David out and lead to an easy evening.

Jim’s a little surprised, then, when they both declare they want to play in the sandbox again.

Which leaves Jim and Spock sitting together on the bench again.

Jim taps his fingers against the arm of the bench, trying to force his nerves to settle.

“I’m, uh,” he starts, trying to not to wince at his own stuttering, “I’m sorry.”

Spock turns to him, eyebrow raised.

“For what are you apologizing?”

Jim blinks.

“Uh… well, I just- if I overstepped at all with explaining Saavik’s mutism to David, I guess.”

Spock shakes his head.

“If David’s recollection is accurate, then you gave the best explanation you could with the limited information you had. There is no reason to apologize for that.”

“Oh.”

“You seem to apologize often for things that are not issues,” Spock notes. 

Jim flushes, clearing his throat.

“Well, like I said, this is an area I’m bad at giving myself grace about.”

“I do not see why. By all rights David appears happy and well-adjusted.”

There’s a sudden roar from the sandbox; when Jim looks over, he sees David knocking over the sandcastle he and Saavik just built while the latter giggles madly.

“Though he does also appear to be a very typical three-year-old,” Spock notes dryly.

Jim chuckles.

“Yeah, don’t I know it.”

“Still, I do not believe you need to worry- by all accounts, you are doing well as a father.”

Jim looks over at Spock, smiling. 

“You know, you’re pretty good at the whole pep-talk thing.”

“I cannot say I have been told that before, but thank you.”

Jim laughs, then glances over at David and Saavik, who are now rebuilding the sandcastle David just destroyed.

“Saavik’s a good kid too, by the way,” he says after a moment. “David told me that she already knows the alphabet well enough to arrange the blocks in order.”

“She is very intelligent,” Spock agrees, the barest hint of pride in his voice. “It is good to see, especially given the hardships she faced early in life.”

“What happened, if you don’t mind my asking?”

Spock is quiet for a moment, but before Jim can take the question back he begins speaking.

“I will warn you, it is a difficult story.”

Jim frowns, but nods.

“Noted.”

“How knowledgeable would you say you are regarding Vulcan bonds?”

Jim frowns again, tilting his head.

“Not very. I know the basics, like how there are three types- the bond every Vulcan shares with each other, the bond between parent and child, and the bond between people who are romantically involved.”

“That is correct, though there are technically two types of bonds between those who are involved in a romantic relationship.”

“Really?”

“Yes, but for our purposes that is not important.” Spock takes a breath. “Our bonds are important to us not just in a cultural sense, but neurologically as well. They connect us, become part of us, and affect our brain chemistry.”

Spock folds his hands in his lap.

“However, aside from the bond between all Vulcans, every bond eventually breaks, and that can cause illness if there is no assistance from a healer or mental adept.”

“How do bonds break?” 

“The most typical cause is the death of one member of the bond- for example, when one’s spouse dies, their bond will be broken. In most cases, an adept will be on hand to ease the process, but when the death is sudden, the surviving member of the bond will fall ill.” Spock takes a breath. “The effects are much more severe in small children who lose a parent suddenly.”

Realization dawns on Jim, and his stomach sinks. 

“Is… is that what happened to Saavik?”

Spock nods.

“She was, at the time, under the age of two. There were concerns about her survival, let alone her long-term health.”

Jim looks out at Saavik, currently playing the drums on an overturned bucket.

“She’s a little fighter, huh?”

“Indeed.” There’s something soft in Spock’s voice, and when Jim turns to look at him he’s almost taken aback by the fondness in his eyes, the sight making his heart skip a beat. “I will admit, I have found her stubbornness to be challenging at times, but I cannot say it is not a net positive.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head as he turns to look at the kids.

“Wh- David! Don’t put sand in your pockets, it takes forever to get out!”

“Aw…”

Jim sighs as he leans back. He smiles as he looks over at Spock.

“Thank you,” he says after a moment, “for telling me about that.”

Spock inclines his head slightly.

“I find it rather easy to tell you things, actually.”

Jim blinks, then feels a smile spread across his lips.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, though I’m not sure why.”

Jim chuckles.

“Well, I can’t say I don’t feel the same way.”

Spock’s lips quirk upward, and for a long moment, they just look at each other, sharing a comfortable silence.

Which, of course, doesn’t last.

“Daddy I have to pee!”

Jim bites back a sigh, getting up off the bench.

“Alright, kiddo, just hold on two seconds!”

---

A few hours later, Jim finds himself carrying his tuckered out toddler to the hovercar, Spock doing the same with his own.

“This was fun,” he says as they arrive at his vehicle. 

“It was a pleasant way to spend part of the afternoon,” Spock agrees, shifting Saavik against his shoulder. “Though I daresay I will be finding sand in my living room for the better part of the weekend.”

“Yeah, that’s the trouble with sandboxes.”

“I like sandboxes,” David mumbles sleepily. 

“I know, sweetheart,” Jim replies, turning his head to press a kiss to his temple. He looks over at Spock, smiling. “I’ll see you on Monday?”

“I will see you then,” Spock replies. “Have a pleasant rest of your weekend, Commander Kirk.”

“You too, Dr. Spock.”

“Bye-bye,” David mumbles before rubbing his face against Jim’s shoulder.

Spock nods, then shifts Saavik around as he starts walking to his hovercar. Jim, admittedly, watches him go for a little longer than strictly necessary, right up until David starts whining.

“Daddy I wanna be in the caaaaaaaaar.”

Jim laughs softly, turning away.

“Okay, okay.”

Once David’s safely strapped in, Jim heads around to the driver’s side, buckling up and programming in the coordinates for the autopilot.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, honey?”

“Do you like Mister Dr. Spock?”

Jim flushes a bit, but can’t help but smile as the car pulls out of the parking space.

“Yeah,” he admits. “I like him a lot.”

“Good,” David replies with a yawn. “You and him can be best friends, like me and Saavik.”

Jim laughs softly. 

“I hope so, bud.”

And if he hopes for something else between them, too?

Well, David doesn’t need to know about that just yet.

Notes:

i swear by the end of this fic i'm gonna have learned as much about child development as i did in that class i took in college lmao

thank you for reading! comments are appreciated!

Chapter 5: fathers

Notes:

tw: referenced xenophobia

Spock-

I will be in San Francisco this week for a meeting. I would like to see you and Saavik. Please inform me if this would be feasible for you.

Sarek

Spock has been looking at this message for nearly ten minutes now. 

It has not become less… difficult in those past ten minutes. Indeed, it has only caused him more emotional turmoil the more he’s looked at it, which is somewhat impressive for something only three full sentences long.

Spock closes his eyes, then breathes in, then out.

“I am in control of my emotions,” he reminds himself. He turns off his computer terminal, then leans back in his chair, trying to ground himself.

Breathe in, then out. 

Breathe in, then out.

He repeats this several more times, until the anger bubbling just under the surface is merely tepid rather than boiling. 

Once he has calmed, he glances at the chronometer. His office hours have only just begun, but in the past three weeks he has had very few students come see him- according to Kirk, this is common this early in the semester. Normally, he would spend the period grading, but he finished grading his last assignment last night, and the next assignment is not due until Friday.

There is nothing keeping him here except routine.

Spock hesitates for a moment, then gets up, gathering his things and exiting his office. He locks the door, then heads towards the elevator.

The Sciences building’s lounge is somewhat small and mostly unused at this time of day, something that Spock finds highly suitable for his needs at the moment. He walks over to the chess table near the large east-facing window, putting his bag down next to it and sitting down. 

Spock breathes in, then out, then turns his attention to the set, thinking over his preferred opening move before doing so.

He is unsure how much time passes. Moving the pieces provides him a sense of focus, taking his mind off the issue with his father.

It is calming.

It does not, however, last.

“Spock?”

Spock looks up, heart skipping a beat at the sight of one Jim Kirk, skipping again when Kirk smiles at him.

“You know, I’ve held office hours outside of my office before, but I don’t think I’ve ever held them in the lounge of the same building.”

“It would be illogical to do so,” Spock agrees, “which is why I am not currently holding office hours. It is unlikely that I will see any students during this period, as has been the case for the past three weeks.”

“That’s true,” Kirk replies. He glances over at the chess set, then back at Spock. “Do you play?”

“Indeed. I am ranked as a grandmaster in the Interplanetary Chess Federation.” 

“Impressive.” Kirk tilts his head slightly. “Though I still can’t imagine it’s much fun playing against yourself.”

“I am not playing out of boredom, Commander. I find that chess helps me think, and there is something I am currently giving heavy consideration to.”

“Oh.” Kirk shifts a bit. “Does it only help you think if you play by yourself?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Do you play?”

“Well, I’m not ranked by an interplanetary organization or anything, but I did pretty well for myself when I was part of the Academy’s chess club.” 

“I see. Do you not have your own office hours to get to, though?”

Kirk shrugs.

“I’ve only had someone come in twice in the past three weeks, and it was the same student both times.”

“Cadet Chekov does seem quite diligent.”

“Yeah, he’s a good kid. But regardless, most people prefer to just message me with questions. I can skip a single day without it being an issue.”

Spock considers this, then nods.

“Very well, I accept.”

Kirk grins, and Spock attempts to ignore the way his stomach flips at the sight as he resets the board. 

“I’ll warn you, I’m a little rusty. Never found anyone to play against consistently while I was still in space or here, not even idiot’s chess.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“‘Idiot’s chess?’”

Kirk’s expression turns slightly sheepish.

“Sorry, 2-D chess. ‘Idiot’s chess’ is what we called it in the chess club, I’ve never really managed to break the habit of calling it that.”

“I see. It is significantly less complicated than the 3-D version.”

“Mm. Easier to transport, though.” Kirk looks up at him. “So, black or white?”

“Black,” Spock replies. 

Kirk smirks at him.

“Do you just want to see how I open, or are you feeling cocky?”

Spock tilts his head.

“I do not believe I have ever once in my life been ‘cocky.’”

“Mm-hm, sure you haven’t.” 

Kirk turns his attention to the board, studying it, then makes his opening move by moving a pawn on the bottom rung. After a moment of thought, Spock makes his own first move, and after another moment Kirk makes his next one.

They go on like that for some time. There are several instances where, just when Spock thinks he’s identified Kirk’s strategy, Kirk will do something entirely out of left field and leave Spock questioning if he’s ever played at all.

For some reason, he finds the erraticness… fascinating. He does not expect Kirk to win- Kirk has admitted himself that he is rusty, and Spock has not lost a game in nearly five years- but he is much more competent than Spock would have expected, despite the strange strategy.

“You know,” Kirk says after some time has passed, “I’ve found that talking to a willing ear about my problems helps me get through them better than just stewing.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“Are you offering to be a willing ear?”

Kirk shrugs as he makes another odd move, taking one of Spock’s pawns.

“If that’ll help, sure.”

Spock considers this for a moment.

“I suppose it could not hurt.” 

Kirk smiles, and Spock very nearly loses his grip on his rook. It doesn’t seem as though Kirk notices, but it is still somewhat… unnerving.

“So, what’s eating you?”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“‘Eating me,’ Commander?”

“A Human expression, Dr. Spock,” Kirk tells him. “It means ‘what’s on your mind that has you so tense?’”

“Ah.” Spock thinks for a moment as he contemplates his next move, then moves the rook. “My father sent me a message about an hour ago.”

Kirk’s eyebrows rise.

“Nothing bad, I hope.”

“Strictly speaking, no. He is coming to San Francisco for a meeting, and would like to see myself and Saavik.”

Kirk hums, making yet another move that Spock doesn’t quite know what to make of.

“I’m guessing that’s not something you particularly want?”

Spock hesitates, then moves his knight to the second highest level, capturing one of Kirk’s pieces. 

“I respect my father, but he has strong opinions, and very little reservation about expressing them. This has led to conflict between him and myself, though not as often as when I was younger.”

That is, in essence, the truth.

Spock still feels guilty about leaving out the other reason, but it is far more complicated and frankly guilt-inducing than he wishes to discuss in the lobby of the Sciences building.

Kirk nods, then moves his bishop; Spock still hasn’t been able to suss out his strategy.

“I’m guessing his opinions are what’s causing you some hesitancy about hosting him?”

Spock takes a deep breath.

“He has strong opinions about how I am raising Saavik. Specifically, he disapproves of it.”

“Ahhh,” Kirk drawls. “That’ll do it.”

Spock resists the urge to sigh as he makes his next move, attempting to counter the bishop.

“I understand that his concern comes from a place of caring- he is Saavik’s grandfather, after all. His suggestions and questions, however, are difficult to hear so constantly.” He hesitates. “I… while I see the merit of some of his suggestions, part of me has begun to believe he believes I am not a capable parent.”

Kirk smiles sadly.

“I know how that feels.”

“Indeed? How did you resolve the issue?”

“Marriage counseling.” He shrugs as he makes his next move, capturing another pawn. “Didn’t really save the marriage, but our communication improved by leaps and bounds. I’d say it’s the reason Carol and I can even be anything close to friends now.”

“I do not believe my father would agree to counseling,” Spock murmurs as he studies the board. “Even if he did, it would be difficult for him to find time in his schedule for it.”

“True, but the difference between our situations is that you don’t have to co-parent with your father,” Kirk points out. “I’m sure he does mean well, but he’s not Saavik’s dad. You are. You’re, what, thirty?”

“Thirty-three,” Spock corrects.

“Right, so he’s been done with parenting for a while now. He can have an opinion, but he needs to take a step back and let you be her father. He has to trust that you have her best interests in mind, and you’ll raise her right.”

Spock sighs as he makes his next move.

“That may be, as Humans would say, a tall order. As I said, he is opinionated, and singularly assured of the idea that he is correct in this matter. Even if I were to remind him that I am Saavik’s father, not him, he is likely to keep making suggestions.”

Jim hums.

“Well, short of putting him on a straight up info diet, I’m not sure what can be done.”

“I am not at the point where that may be necessary,” Spock agrees. “Nor do I want to do that.”

“I suppose for right now, you could always just decline the visit until you’ve figured out a way to convince him,” Jim says, moving another pawn.

Spock shakes his head. 

“If I were to do that, my mother would call and try to set up a call between us. She does not particularly like the fact that we are currently at odds.”

Kirk snorts.

“I suppose all mothers are the same deep down, be they Human or Vulcan.”

Spock blinks, then shifts and clears his throat, suddenly feeling rather uncomfortable.

“What?”

“I had forgotten you did not know,” he admits quietly.

Kirk tilts his head slightly.

“Know what?”

“My mother is Human,” he explains. 

Kirk’s eyebrows shoot up.

“She- what?”

“She is Human,” Spock repeats. “I am half-Human.”

“You’re- oh.” 

Spock pushes down on the squirming anxiety in his gut, turning his gaze to the chess board. 

“Is that an issue?”

“No!” Kirk says quickly. “No, no, of course not, I just- I didn’t realize you weren’t fully Vulcan, that’s all.”

Some of the anxiety dissipates, and Spock resists the urge to sigh in relief as he looks up once more.

“It is not as obvious to Humans as it is to Vulcans,” Spock explains. “I must admit, I have never had to tell someone before.”

“You haven’t?”

“Most Vulcans can tell.”

“How? I can’t say I’ve known a lot of Vulcans, but it doesn’t seem all that obvious at all.”

“My eyes, mainly. They most closely resemble those of my maternal grandfather.”

“Huh,” Kirk says, propping up his head on his elbow. “Well, you have very nice eyes, at least.”

Spock blinks, then immediately fights back a blush, heartbeat picking up as his stomach flutters pleasantly.

Kirk, for his part, immediately turns red, eyes going wide. He clears his throat, shifting and looking away.

“Uh, I- I’m sorry, that… that was a strange thing to say.”

“I…” Spock clears his throat, trying not to appear as flustered as he feels. “Thank you. You… your eyes are also aesthetically pleasing.”

Kirk freezes, glancing over at him with no small amount of shock in his eyes. 

“Oh, uh… thanks.” Kirk clears his throat again, and Spock is certain he sees his lips turn into a small smile. He turns his attention back to the board. “But, uh, getting back to the topic at hand, if you can’t get out of the visit, then all you can really do is stand your ground. You’re Saavik’s father, and he needs to learn to respect that.”

Spock sighs, nodding as Kirk makes another move.

“I suppose that is the only thing I can do,” Spock says as he makes his next move.

“Yep. Oh, and Spock?”

“Yes?”

“Checkmate.”

Spock blinks, examining the board; sure enough, one of Kirk’s knights has his king in check.

“You…”

“You played a good game,” Kirk tells him, smirking a little. “Almost irritating, in fact, took me a lot more moves than I expected to sneak my way to your king.”

Spock stares at him, mind churning as he attempts to process what just happened. Heat blooms throughout his body, settling low in his gut, and he swallows, crossing his legs at the ankles.

The last time he lost a game certainly did not feel like this.

“You alright?”

Spock looks up, slightly embarrassed by the concern on Kirk’s face. He clears his throat, then resigns his king.

“Your strategy was… interesting.”

Kirk laughs.

“Yes, I’ve been told that before.” He smirks again. “If you’d like, we can play again without the distraction of conversation.”

Spock nods, resetting the board.

“Traditionally, I would take white, but if you don’t mind I would prefer to defer that advantage to you.”

“Oh?”

“I would like to have a game close to last time, so as to better understand your strategy.”

Kirk shrugs.

“If you’d like. I don’t mind either way.”

Spock nods, then watches carefully as Kirk makes his opening move.

Despite everything, Spock loses again, even more mystified than before. He finds himself staring at Kirk, heart pounding in his side as he tries to process the loss.

The smile on Kirk’s face does nothing to stop that.

And even when he does win the third time around, he still finds himself distracted by his smile.

---

The Vulcan Embassy is a tall building near Starfleet Headquarters built in a classical Vulcan style, with high windows and sharp, sloping angles. Spock has been here only once, when he was a child and they stopped here on the way to visit his mother’s family in Montreal. 

Despite the inherent reminder of his home planet, the sight fills Spock with a sort of dread he has to quickly repress, lest Saavik feel it and become distressed. 

Spock breathes in, and out, willing himself to get out of the hovercar and go inside. 

The urge to start the car again and drive home bubbles up in his throat. Saavik would not question it, as she has never been to the Embassy and cannot yet read, and he could tell his father that something came up. 

Lying would be very easy indeed. 

But he is Vulcan. Lies, or at least such direct lies, are anathema to their way of life.

Spock chose his father’s path, for better or worse. He has to honor it, even when he does not want to.

And so, after another deep breath, he gets out of the hovercar, walking to the other side and getting Saavik out of her carseat. 

A wave of curiosity comes over the parental bond as he gets his bag out of the passenger seat.

“You will see what we are doing here in a moment,” Spock promises as he locks the door.

He could not bring himself to tell her ahead of time. Her excitement, much as he feels guilty about this, would only make him feel worse. 

Saavik gives him a somewhat dubious look, but behaves as he carries her through the front courtyard of the building.

“Sanoi la' ish-veh shasutan,” the guard at the door requests. Spock pulls his identification card out of his wallet, presenting it to the guard. The guard looks it over, then nods, stepping aside to allow them access. 

They’re greeted with the same high ceilings and shades of red and orange Spock recalls from his childhood. Vulcans in dark robes converse and move through the open reception area as Spock approaches the front desk, some of them turning to look at them.

Saavik clings a little tighter to him, and he puts a hand on her back, sending comfort over the bond.

“Tor wuh kevet-dutar la'ka-yehat?” He asks the receptionist as they arrive at the desk. Saavik perks up slightly, clearly recognizing the word for “ambassador.”

The receptionist looks up from his terminal for only a second before turning back to it.

“Ahm?” He requests.

“S’chn T’gai Spock heh S’chn T’gai Saavik,” Spock tells him.

The receptionist falters for only a second, not looking up from his terminal.

“Wuh kevet-dutar dungi na'shau du ak,” he informs them after a moment. Excitement comes over the parental bond, and Spock pushes down his emotions.

“Nemaiyo,” Spock replies, shifting Saavik in his arms as he walks over to a small waiting area. He puts Saavik in the chair next to him, pulling one of her books out of his bag and handing it to her before sitting down and turning his attention to the holovision playing Vulcan news. 

He will admit, he feels a small sense of nostalgia; he is reminded of waiting for his father at his office when he was a small child, sitting next to his mother and reading his own books. 

It is perhaps this sense of nostalgia, out of everything, that manages to put him somewhat at ease. This much, he has done before, even if he is now the parent.

He can do this. It is only one evening.

“Spock.”

Saavik gasps excitedly, all but jumping out of her chair and running over to Spock’s father. She stops right in front of him, shifting back and forth on her toes, and his father’s eyes soften as he reaches down to touch the top of her head gently.

“Tonk’peh, Saavik.”

Spock clenches his jaw, then closes his eyes and takes a breath to calm himself. He stands up, walking over to his father, daughter, and his father’s guards. 

“Sa-mekh,” Spock greets, raising the ta’al.

“Spock,” his father replies, holding up a ta’al of his own. He turns, dismissing his guards, then gestures at the door. Spock nods, taking the book Saavik tossed to the side and putting it back in his bag before standing up. Saavik walks back over to him, holding her arms up. Spock picks her up immediately without looking over at his father again; he already knows that there is a look of disapproval on his face. 

“Have you already selected a restaurant?” His father asks once they leave the embassy.

“Yes, a Vulcan one nearby,” he replies. “A colleague of mine suggested it to me.”

“I see. If you had wanted a suggestion, you could have asked me.”

Spock tightens his grip on the wheel slightly, clenching his jaw.

“I recognize that, but most of the Vulcan restaurants in the area are more formal establishments that do not accept children. My colleague has a son around Saavik’s age, and thus has more experience finding restaurants that are child-friendly.”

His father doesn’t reply to that, which is as close to admitting defeat as he ever comes. Spock relaxes slightly. 

“What is this colleague’s name?” His father asks after a moment.

“Commander James Kirk. He teaches tactics at various course levels. His office is next to mine.”

“I was under the impression that your office was in the Sciences building.”

“It is. The Command building is under renovation.”

“Why is it under renovation during the academic year?”

“Structural issues were found shortly before the fall term began. There was no other recourse save for the Command track instructors not having offices at all for the year. There were enough empty offices in the Sciences, Engineering, and Communications buildings to compensate for the issue.”

“I see. That is fortunate.”

“Indeed.”

The car falls silent save for the sound of Saavik turning the pages of her book, though the silence is not as heavy or painful as it has been recently between them.

Spock allows himself to relax a bit. Perhaps this visit will not be as difficult as he feared.

---

Dinner, thankfully, goes well. Saavik is perfectly well-behaved and eats her dinner without complaint, though Spock knows she is disappointed at the lack of tomatoes in her kleetanta. 

The trouble begins, however, when they return to Spock’s apartment- his father wished to see where they were living, and Spock could not think of a polite but believable excuse while on the spot.

“It is very… Terran in style,” his father notes as Spock closes the door behind them.

“It was more practical to simply purchase furniture here than to have it moved from our home on Vulcan,” Spock explains, “though I did bring some decor to make it slightly more like Vulcan.”

“I see that. I suppose it is logical.” 

Before either of them can speak, Saavik runs up to his father, tugging on his robe.

“Yes, Saavik?”

She points at the hall, then begins signing.

“I see. Yes, I would like to see your bedroom, Saavik.”

Saavik grins, then runs over to her room, his father following behind at a more sedate pace. 

Spock, despite the churning of his stomach, follows.

Saavik flits around her bedroom, grabbing various toys to present to him, as well as some of her clothes. Spock can tell that he does not fully approve of these things, but he does not show it, instead examining them and allowing her to tell him all about them.

Spock clenches his fist behind his back, forcing down the ugly, roiling jealousy bubbling up and threatening to choke him from the inside out.

He knows he shouldn’t be jealous- not of his own two-year-old daughter. He wants to think that perhaps his father learned from his mistakes, that he has chosen to be more understanding, gentler to her than he was to Spock.

But he also can’t help the idea that if his father is capable of that now, was he not capable of it then? Was he capable of being gentle with Spock?

And if he was, why did he choose not to be?

“I did not realize that you had become so advanced in your art skills, Saavik.”

Spock jolts a bit, frowning when he sees Saavik shaking her head and signing.

“This is not yours?”

Spock purses his lips, walking over to his father’s side and looking at the drawing in question. It is of two stick figures with extremely large heads, one drawn in blue crayon and the other in green. The green one has two short lines sticking out of either side of its head, and in the corner is a “D” followed by more scribbles.

“Ah,” Spock says as recognition dawns on him, stomach twisting a bit with nerves, “I believe that was drawn by David.”

“David?”

“David Kirk,” Spock elaborates. “He is Commander Kirk’s son. He and Saavik both attend the Academy’s daycare.”

Something in his father’s eyes hardens slightly, and Spock tightens his fist behind his back. 

Thankfully, his father says nothing, instead simply handing the drawing back to Saavik and asking her if there is anything else she wishes to show him. 

Tension lingers in the air for the rest of Saavik’s bedroom tour, and while his father retires to the living room while Spock prepares her for bed, he can’t shake off the creeping dread of what is sure to be a long, taxing discussion once she is asleep. 

Their bedtime routine, at least, goes well- Saavik is in her pajamas and has her teeth brushed right on time, all the while unaware of the tension between her father and grandfather. The only difference is that once she is done brushing her teeth, she rushes out to the living room, stopping right in front of where his father is sitting on the couch.

“Good night, Saavik,” his father says, leaning down to press his forehead to hers. “I will call soon after I return to Vulcan.”

Saavik makes a pleased sound, then walks back towards her room. Spock glances over at his father, then follows her back to her room.

If Spock takes longer tucking her in, if he allows one more story than usual, then that is between him, her, and the universe itself. Soon, though, she is asleep, and he has no excuse to linger.

He swallows, then takes a breath, leaving her room and returning to the living room.

“Spock,” his father starts, “why does Saavik have another child’s artwork?”

“Presumably, because he gave it to her.”

“And why would he do that?”

Spock closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to ground himself.

“They are friends.”

His father narrows his eyes slightly.

“You recognize, of course, that such a thing is not done amongst Vulcans.”

“I do. However, we are not amongst Vulcans, or at least nowhere near a demographic majority of Vulcans, and amongst most other species friendship is an important part of childhood. I see no issue in allowing Saavik to experience other cultures.”

“Experiencing other cultures is one thing, but straying from the Vulcan path is another entirely. It is disconcerting enough that you have delayed teaching her proper emotional control techniques-!”

“I did so under the advice of her doctor,” Spock points out.

“Dr. Muroc suggested delaying her mental training for only six months at most. She is nearly three now. It is past time for her to begin learning to control her emotions.”

“And I will teach her that, but-!”

“There is no ‘but,’” his father says sternly. “She is Vulcan. She must learn.”

Spock takes a deep breath.

“I understand your concerns,” he begins. “Indeed, they are concerns I’ve had myself. However, I am her father, and I have a much more direct line to her day-to-day mental state than you do. She is not yet healed enough from her trauma to begin training.”

“Which is why she should be on Vulcan, where there are healers to address that.”

“The healers were not helping,” Spock retorts, a sharp edge creeping into his voice. “Being on Vulcan was not helping. The environment she was in was only causing her more distress, whereas here she has made more progress than she has in the past seven months.”

“That could simply be time-!”

“Or it could be because here, no one looks at her as though she is an abomination,” Spock finally snaps. “You and I both know the reason her clan of origin rejected her is an open secret, Father. They may not know exactly what she is, but they know she is not fully Vulcan.”

“And you know that things are different from when you were a child.”

“Not different enough. You do not see what I see, and you have not lived the life I have.” Spock takes a breath, steadying himself. “We have gotten off-topic. My point is that as Saavik’s father, it is my responsibility to keep her safe and keep her healthy. By all metrics, I have done so- aside from her lack of speech, she is a normal, healthy two-year-old, one who is even advanced in some areas. She is doing well, despite everything.”

He folds his arms behind his back.

“I appreciate your concern, Father, but what would be most helpful is if you were to trust that I know what I am doing.”

His father is quiet for a moment.

“I do trust you,” he says. “I simply know what is at stake. After what happened with your brother…”

Spock resists the urge to wince, shaking his head.

“Their circumstances are similar, but they are not the same. Saavik will be fine. I will make sure of it. But I need you to trust that I will, without constantly pressuring me to raise her in the way you think is best.”

His father hesitates, then nods.

“Very well. But I must ask that you consider starting soon. It is easier to begin at a younger age.”

Spock takes a breath, then nods.

“I will.”

His father nods again, then pulls his comm out of his pocket when it beeps.

“The car I requested from the embassy has arrived to take me to my hotel.”

Spock nods, walking his father to the door and opening it. 

“Spock,” his father starts.

“Yes?”

His father seems to be thinking something over, but after a moment he simply raises the ta’al.

“Dif-tor heh smusma,” he says, tone as level and neutral as ever.

Something in Spock sinks a bit, but he pushes it aside, raising a ta’al of his own.

“Sochya eh dif, Sa-mekh.”

His father nods, then leaves, and Spock tries to push down his disappointment as he closes the door.

He sighs, then walks over to the couch and grabs his PADD- though it is Saturday, he does have some grading to do.

Twenty minutes into grading, a strange burst of emotion comes over the parental bond, making Spock jolt. He focuses on the feeling, stomach sinking when he feels fear and sadness. He quickly gets off the couch, walking over to Saavik’s room. He finds her curled up and whimpering in her bed, and his heart aches at the sight. Without skipping a beat, he pulls her out of bed, cradling her close to his chest as he brushes his fingers against her meld points. Blurry images of terrified faces and an unfamiliar ship pass into his mind, as well as the sound of a woman screaming for someone to run, all combining into a confusing jumble that would frighten anyone, let alone someone so small. 

Spock closes his eyes, projecting comfort towards Saavik in order to coax her mind away from the nightmare. Slowly, she relaxes, the fear in her mind dissipating. She sighs in her sleep, snuggling against him, and Spock shifts her in his arms before placing her back in bed.

For a moment, he just looks at her. His father’s words echo in his head, his own fears clawing their way up to the forefront of his mind. The what-if’s turn his blood cold, his stomach turning- what if she does turn out like Sybok, what if he fails, what if putting her on the Vulcan path is wrong-

What if she ends up resenting me-

Spock closes his eyes, furrowing his brow and taking a deep breath. 

He cannot let himself go down that path. Saavik needs him.

He has to keep himself together, for her sake.

Saavik sighs in her sleep again, wrapping her arms around the toy sehlat his mother had given her, and Spock feels his worries leave, even if only for a moment. 

There are things in the future he does need to be concerned about. Before he knows it, she will be fully grown.

But for now, she is still small.

There is still time.

For now, things are alright.

Notes:

why does weird shit happen to this site on my update days lmao

anyway, i used an online translator for the vulcan, so if it's wrong, then that's why.

translations:

Sanoi la' ish-veh shasutan - Please present your identification

Tor wuh kevet-dutar la'ka-yehat?- Is the ambassador available?

Ahm?- Name?

Heh- and

Wuh kevet-dutar dungi na'shau du ak- the ambassador will greet you soon

Nemaiyo- thank you

Tonk’peh- Hello

Dif-tor heh smusma- Live long and prosper

Sochya eh dif- Peace and long life

thank you for 100+ kudos! comments are appreciated!

Chapter 6: separation anxiety

“David, honey, you gotta sit still, okay?”

“But I’m excited!” David protests as he wiggles in his chair. 

“I know you are, but if you fall over in your chair it’ll take longer to get everything set up, and then you won’t be able to talk to Mommy as long if she logs in before we’re ready. You know there’s a limit on how long we get to talk here.”

That seems to get through to him, as while he lets out an exaggerated sigh, he does sit still. Jim smiles, ruffling his hair before getting back to setting up the connection.

“Almost done… there, should be all good.”

David cheers, kicking his legs as he stares at the screen.

Five silent minutes pass with the program’s logo on screen, and he feels David start to grow restless beside him.

“I’m sure she’s just running a little late,” he assures him- and maybe himself, just a little. “Besides, the timer starts from when she logs in. We’ll still have thirty minutes.”

David hums, looking down at the drawing in his lap.

“I want her to see my drawing.”

“She will,” Jim assures him, putting his arm around him. “And I know she’s gonna love it.”

As if on cue, the computer beeps, the logo disappearing to a black screen for half a second before Carol finally appears.

“MOMMY!” David shouts, clearly overjoyed.

“Hello, sweetheart!” Carol replies, smiling from ear to ear. “I’ve missed you!”

“I miss you too!” David holds up his drawing. “Look what I drawed!”

“Oh, darling, that’s lovely! Why don’t you tell me about it?”

“Okay!” David points first at one of the taller blue stick figures. “This is you, Mommy!”

Carol smiles and nods.

“Looks just like me.”

“Uh-huh! And there’s Daddy, and me, and over here is Saavik and Mister Dr. Spock!”

Carol blinks, then furrows her brow slightly.

“I don’t think I’ve met those people, dear.”

“Saavik is David’s new friend from daycare,” Jim explains. “Dr. Spock is her father.”

“And Daddy’s new friend!” David adds.

Carol’s eyebrows rise.

“Really? Well, why don’t you tell me all about them, then?”

“Well, Saavik and her daddy are Vulcans, so they’ve got pointy ears and funny eyebrows, and Saavik’s really really really smart, and her daddy is too, and they…”

Jim smiles as David describes Spock and Saavik, glancing over at Carol. To his surprise, she’s looking at him, though her eyes flicker away as her expression turns to intrigue.

He’s not fully sure what’s causing it, which confuses him; he usually has a pretty good idea of what intrigues her like this.

“Well, they both sound lovely,” she says when David finally stops to take a breath a few minutes later.

“Yeah, they’re great! You can meet them when you come back in two weeks!”

Carol winces, and Jim frowns.

“Everything alright?”

Carol clears her throat, folding her hands in front of her.

“About that… there’s been a significant setback, and… I have to stay longer.”

Jim’s stomach drops.

“For how long?”

“Mid-November.”

“But you promised that you’d only be gone for the summer,” David says quietly.

“I know, darling, I know, and I want to come home, but-!”

“You promised.”

“Yes, but-!”

“You promised!” David shouts, slamming his hands on the table.

“David!” Jim scolds lightly, pulling his hands away. “You know you’re not supposed to-!”

David pulls his arms away, and Jim catches the barest hint of tears in his eyes before he gets out of his chair and starts running down the hall.

“David-!”

Jim winces as the door to David’s bedroom slams, then takes a breath as he turns back to Carol.

“When did you find out?”

“About three minutes before the call was supposed to start,” Carol tells him. “If I’d had time, I would have figured out a way to ease him into it better.”

Jim sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I guess I can understand that, though I don’t know if it’ll help David all that much.”

Carol looks guilty as she runs a hand through her hair.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I don’t like it either, but projects like these can be unpredictable.”

“I know, I know, I just-!” Jim huffs, folding his arms on the table. “I just don’t like seeing David so upset.”

“Neither do I.” She runs a hand through her hair. “God, I really wish I hadn’t gone at all.”

Jim quietly reminds himself that “I told you so” isn’t helpful, and even if it was he’d be a hypocrite at this point.

“That bad, huh?” He says instead.

“If I never eat another replicated meal from the time I get back home until the day I die, it’ll be too soon. Not to mention how thin the walls are in the accommodations they gave us. And on top of all of that, I’ve been away from my child for the past two months.” Carol smiles tiredly. “I don’t know how you did it when you were stationed on starships.”

“You’re an only child and I shared a bathroom and a wall with Sam until he left for the Academy,” Jim reminds her. “I was a little more used to it than you were.”

Carol laughs, a soft, light sound that still makes Jim smile.

“I suppose you’re right.” She hits her desk lightly on the other end. “But that’s only one reason I’m not going to be doing any of these big, off-planet projects anymore.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Never again, huh?”

“Well, not until David’s older, at least. And certainly not one with such high security on it that I can’t talk to my son for more than a single thirty minute period once a month.” She smiles wryly. “And above all else, no more government contracts.”

“Seems like a pretty good set of rules.” Jim glances over at the hall. “Think he’s tuckered himself out yet?”

“I’d say so.” She smiles again, though this one’s a little sad. “Do me a favor? Tell him I won’t be taking any more off-planet projects, at least til he’s older, and that I love him.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. Oh, and Jim?”

“Mmhm?”

“I’m happy for you. I really am.”

Jim blinks, then furrows his brow. 

“Uh… thanks?” He tilts his head a bit. “What are you happy for me about, exactly?”

“Dr. Spock.”

Jim feels himself flush a bit; he shifts, clearing his throat.

“I have no idea what you mean.”

Carol snorts.

“Jim, come off it. We were together for six years, I know what it looks like when someone’s talking about someone you like.” She smirks. “Besides that, your reaction just now was rather telling.”

Jim’s flush deepens as he glances away.

“It’s not- I just think he’s… interesting.”

“Should I take ‘interesting’ to mean ‘tall, dark-haired, and high-intellect?’”

“Wh- how do you know that?”

“Remember that Old Earth movie we watched about the dinosaur park?”

Jim exhales slowly.

“Okay, maybe I do… like him. A little.” 

“And I’m happy for you. Though, if you two become serious, I think we should discuss how we’ll handle things in regards to David.”

“I haven’t even decided if I’m going to ask him out yet!” Jim protests. 

Carol laughs.

“Well, whatever you decide, let me know, yes? Not least so we can ease David into the idea of us dating other people.”

Despite everything, Jim smiles back at her.

“I’ll tell you,” Jim promises. 

Before she can say anything else, there’s a beep, signaling the imminent end of the call. Carol swears under her breath.

“I can’t say I’m looking forward to hearing that sound for another few months,” she mutters.

“Hang in there.”

She smiles sadly.

“I’ll do my best.” She hesitates for a moment. “I’m… glad we can talk like this, you know.”

Jim blinks, then smiles.

“I am too.”

Carol smiles at him before they exchange their goodbyes, the feed cutting off and leaving Jim staring at the service’s logo. He sighs, then gets up, putting his hands in his pockets as he heads down the hall.

“David?” He calls softly as he opens the door to his room. 

Jim winces when he sees the mess in his room- nothing’s broken, thankfully, but the laundry bin and toy box have both been knocked over, their contents strewn all over the floor. David is lying on his bed facing away from the door, surrounded by more than a few of his favorite stuffed animals, and Jim’s heart hurts at the sight. He walks over to the bed, kneeling beside it.

“Hey, kiddo,” he says, putting a hand on his side. “You wanna talk about it?”

David doesn’t say anything, just curls up a little more, and Jim sighs, pulling his hand away and turning so that he’s sitting with his back to the bed.

“Well, if you want to, I’m gonna stay right here, okay?”

David still doesn’t say anything, but Jim waits patiently anyway, knowing it’s just a matter of time. 

Three minutes or so later, he hears David shifting on the bed, and when he looks over at him his heart breaks at the look on his face.

“Oh, honey,” he murmurs, turning back onto his knees to pick him up and hold him close. “I’m so sorry, David.”

“I-I want Mommy to c-come home,” he says, voice still a little rough and breathy from crying.

“I know, sweetheart,” Jim soothes as he moves to sit back down. “And she wants to come home just as bad.”

“Th-then why w-won’t she?”

Jim sighs.

“There are just some things that are out of our control. If Mommy were to come home now, she might not be able to do big, important projects anymore.” He ruffles David’s hair. “But you know what she told me? She said she’s not gonna do any more off-planet projects until you’re a lot older.”

David looks up at him, eyes still wet.

“She- she did?”

“Mmhm, she’s gonna stay right here on Earth with you. She loves you so, so much, David, and she’s very sorry that she can’t see you yet.”

David sniffs, pressing the side of his face against Jim’s shirt.

“I miss her too.” He looks up. “Do you miss her?”

Jim smiles.

“Yeah,” he says, glad that he can say that honestly- six months ago he might not have been able to. “I do.”

“Oh.” David frowns. “But you don’t want to be married anymore, right?”

Jim blinks, then frowns.

“No, not really.”

“Oh. Good, I don’t want you to be married anymore.”

Jim laughs out of shock.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, cause then you both do a lot more sighing and it’s not fun.”

Jim chuckles, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

“Well, we wouldn’t want things to not be fun, would we?” 

David shakes his head, then looks up at Jim.

“Daddy?”

“Mmhm?”

“Can I please sleep in your bed tonight?”

Jim hesitates, then nods.

“Alright, but just tonight, okay? You gotta sleep in your own bed like a big boy every other night.”

David nods, then clings to Jim as he gets up. Jim’s glad that he managed to get him into his pajamas before the call- at this point, he doesn’t think he’ll get the kid to let go before he falls asleep.

“I love you, David,” Jim tells him once they’re in his bed. “I’m always gonna be here for you, no matter what.”

“I love you too, Daddy,” David says quietly. 

Jim curls up around him, humming softly, and within a few minutes he’s out like a light. He sighs, gently extracting himself from David’s grasp and getting out of bed so he can look over tomorrow’s test one last time. 

His thoughts turn back to Carol as he sits down on the couch, and he forces himself not to grimace.

It’s not like they didn’t talk this whole off-planet project over. To be honest, they all but talked the topic to death, in couples’ counseling and outside of it, they’d looped in David’s therapist, they’d even done a trial run of having David stay at Jim’s an extra week to get him used to the idea of her being gone. 

Jim can’t say he didn’t have his reservations, though- putting his own… issues regarding space travel aside, he remembers his mom telling him that his father being away for long periods was hard on him when he was around David’s age. Granted, Jim doesn’t actually remember much of that period: his childhood memories of his father are all pretty positive, probably because he requested to be stationed on Earth by the time he was four. Sam’s the one with issues about that, not him.

Carol had convinced him, though, and he does still think she was right in a lot of ways, though that could be some of the guilt over her career stalling while they were married talking. And he does think David will be okay, eventually.

But he does have to admit, right now this situation isn’t at all ideal. Again, he’s willing to bite his lip and not say “I told you so” for the sake of keeping the peace, but…

Well. He did tell her so.

He sighs, shaking his head and turning his attention to his work. 

Hopefully, with a good night’s sleep, David will at least partially be back to the cheerful, rambunctious little monster he knows and loves.

---

The next morning is a quiet one for the Kirk household. David isn’t as much of a chatterbox as usual, but he’s engaged and eats all of his breakfast, which Jim takes as a good sign, though he’s less excited about blueberry pancakes than he normally would be. 

What’s less of a good sign is that he asks to be picked up when they leave the apartment.

“It’s not really that far to the garage,” Jim reminds him. “You walk there all the time.”

David just keeps holding his arms in the air, brow furrowed. After a moment, Jim sighs, shifting his bag around and leaning down to pick him up.

“Just this one time, okay? You have to walk when we get out of the car, and for the rest of the day.”

David doesn’t reply, instead clutching at the back of his shirt.

The ride to the Academy goes well, at least, and David does walk with him instead of demanding to be carried, though he holds onto Jim’s hand a little tighter than usual as they head inside. 

To Jim’s surprise, Spock and Saavik seem to have also just arrived; usually Spock’s dropped Saavik off and has headed towards his first class by the time they get there. He’s the only person more committed to being early than Jim than he knows.

“Hey!” He calls as they approach. Saavik looks excited to see them, running over to greet David, only to stop and frown. She looks up at Jim, a worried expression on her face.

“Is everything alright?” Spock asks.

Jim hesitates, thinking over his words carefully.

“We… had a bit of a rough night last night,” he finally lands on. “But anyway, how come you guys were a little later than usual?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“There was a traffic jam on our regular route,” he responds, apparently choosing not to call Jim on his sudden change in subject. “It took longer to get here than it normally would, though because we left early it did not make us late.”

“Ah, yeah, I think I saw a report about that this morning. Had to change the route to a slightly longer one to get around it. Good thing we both like being early, right?” He turns towards David. “Speaking of which, I should get going, I’ve got a class in the Armstrong building in twenty minutes.”

He kneels down. 

“I love you, David. Have a good day-!”

“No!”

Jim blinks.

“You’re… not gonna have a good day?”

Without warning, David all but launches himself at Jim, clinging to him tightly.

“No!”

“Wh- David, I have to go to work.”

“No!” David yells right in his ear. 

Jim winces, then shakes it off, moving to try and gently pry him away.

“I have to, sweetheart, it’s- I have to do my job.”

David buries his face in his shoulder and screams, and Jim grits his teeth, trying to figure out a way to calm him down. He rubs his back, hushing him.

“David-!” He starts when he thinks he’s calmed down a little.

“NO!”

Jim resists the urge to groan, knowing it won’t help. There’s a small part of him that wants to just send out a quick message out to his first class saying that today’s class is canceled, and he’ll just upload the lesson to the student portal, but that probably won’t end up helping anyone, least of all David.

“Commander.”

Jim jolts a tiny bit, looking over at Spock, now kneeling next to them. He flushes a bit, but forces down the embarrassment- there’s no time to dwell on that.

“Try breathing with him,” Spock suggests. “Typically that helps Saavik calm down.”

Jim nods, then turns back to David, rubbing his back. He breathes in deeply, then out, repeating the process slowly until he feels David’s own breathing even out a bit, his fingers not clutching quite as hard onto Jim’s shirt.

“Feeling a little better?” He asks after a moment. David grunts into his shoulder, and Jim rubs his back again. “That’s good. Do you wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want you to go,” David mumbles.

“I gathered that. Why not, though? You like daycare, don’t you?”

“I wanna stay with you!” He insists.

“Honey, I can’t keep an eye on you and teach at the same time.”

“I’ll be good! I’ll sit down and not move at all!”

“I don’t want you to have to do that,” Jim tells him. “What’s got you so worried, huh? I’ll only be gone til four.”

“But what if you’re gone longer?” David presses. “What if you promise and then you don’t come back?”

Jim blinks, then feels his heart sink.

“Oh, kiddo, is that what this is about?”

David grips his shirt a little tighter. 

“I don’t want you to go away too.”

Jim’s heart breaks a little, and he swallows. 

“I promise I’ll come back right when I’m done working,” he tells him.

“But what if you don’t?”

Jim bites back a sigh, trying to think of a way to convince him that everything will be fine when someone clears their throat.

“If I may?”

Jim looks over at Spock, trying not to look too surprised to see him still sitting here. He hesitates, then nods.

“David, may I ask you something?”

David looks over at Spock, then nods.

“How often has your father left you at daycare and not come back?”

David furrows his brow.

“Never.”

“And how often has he been late to pick you up?”

“Um… I don’t remember,” David admits.

“Then, logically, wouldn’t you agree that he will pick you up today and every other day you are at daycare?”

David pauses, then slowly nods.

“But what if he doesn’t come back?”

“While it is not impossible, the likelihood of that happening is so small as to be not worth dwelling on. It is certainly not worth causing yourself such distress over.”

David nods, looking back up at Jim.

“You promise that you’ll come back right away?”

“Of course, David. As soon as I'm done working, I’ll head right over to get you.”

“... and then we can have tacos for dinner?”

Jim blinks, then laughs, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

“Maybe. But you have to go to daycare first.”

David hesitates, then nods. He starts to let go, then suddenly latches back on, hugging Jim tightly.

“I love you, Daddy.”

Despite himself, Jim smiles, hugging him back.

“I love you too, David.” He holds on to David as he stands up. “Now, come on, I really need to get going.”

It takes another long hug, but David does eventually calm down enough that he can leave him, quietly playing blocks alongside a somewhat worried-looking Saavik. His plan was to thank Spock when he got back into the hall, but Spock’s already gone by that point.

Jim sighs, then puts it out of his mind for now as he starts running- he’s already going to be late, and he knows the group well enough at this point to know that he’ll start getting messages if he doesn’t get there soon.

---

Jim resists the urge to lean back in his chair and sigh once he gets back to his desk, only refraining from doing so because he doesn’t want to disturb the test-taking atmosphere.

There’s not really all that much for him to do besides check the monitor every once in while to make sure no one’s turned off the anti-cheating software, though. He could walk up and down the aisles to make sure no one’s cheating with something non-electronic, but… well, frankly he doesn’t want to. If he had his way he wouldn’t even use the software, just trust his students to honor the code of conduct.

Admittedly, he didn’t exactly do the same as a student, what with the whole Kobayashi Maru incident, but still.

He glances at the screen, eyes catching on the tab for the professor portal. He clicks on it, and the first thing he sees are his messages- nothing major, just some reminders, but it does lead him to the message chain he has with Spock.

Which in turn reminds him of this morning. 

Jim’s not overly embarrassed about what happened, or at least more embarrassed than he would be if Spock hadn’t been a witness to the meltdown. He’s finally managed to get it into his head that it’s not the end of the world if Spock doesn’t think he’s a perfect parent, though he’d still prefer that the issues didn’t happen at all.

But, he has to admit, he wouldn’t mind a willing ear- or eyes- for this whole mess. It’s Tuesday, which means Spock has office hours going on right now, so he might be available to chat.

Jim bites his lip, looking out at the class before turning back to his computer terminal and opening the message chain he has with Spock.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: Hey, thanks for helping out with David earlier.

Once the message is sent, he clicks away from that part of the site, returning to looking over the discussion posts. He gets part way through grading one before a notification pops up, one that he clicks on without a second thought.

Dr. S’chn T’Gai Spock: It was no trouble. I am, however, curious as to why he was so panicked about you leaving him. Are you planning on going somewhere?

Jim bites back a sigh as he starts typing.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: No, and if I was I’d bring him along. I think he’s anxious because of his mom.

A notification comes up telling him that he’s received his first completed test, and he looks up to nod at the student leaving the room.

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: Is everything alright with her?

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: She was supposed to come home in two weeks, but the project she’s working on out in the Delta Quadrant is going through some issues, so she won’t be back until the middle of fall at the earliest. He was really upset when she told him last night.

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: I see. That must be difficult.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: You’re telling me. He refused to sleep in his own bed last night. 

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: I’m worried that he’s regressing. He had a lot of trouble adjusting when Carol and I first separated, but over time he got used to it, though we had a road bump when she first left a couple months ago. 

A few more notifications; Jim glances up at the exiting students, then back at his terminal.

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: Saavik has also had some issues with separation anxiety. If you would like, I could send you some articles I found helpful.

Jim can’t help but smile at the screen, heart picking up its pace just a beat or two as his face warms. 

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: Yeah, that

“Excuse me, Professor?”

Jim presses several wrong keys in succession in surprise.

“You can go once you’re done, that’s the rule,” he says as he presses backspace, not bothering to look up.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: Yeah, that would be

“Well, I never got a test, so that’s a bit of an issue.”

Here, Jim stops, furrowing his brow.

“What? How did you not get a test, it’s in the student… portal…”

Jim trails off as he realizes who he’s talking to- someone who is decidedly not his student.

At least, not anymore. 

“Gary?”

Gary grins at him, and despite everything, Jim’s stomach squirms.

“Hey, Jim. Miss me?”

Notes:

i call this upcoming arc "the part of the fic with a soundtrack by olivia rodrigo and chappell roan"

i couldn't think of a snappier name lmao

(also i did give jim a crush on jeff goldblum as ian malcolm solely because it made me chuckle)

comments are appreciated!

Chapter 7: the biggest lie i ever said

For a single moment in time, Jim is frozen, staring with his lips parted and eyes wide as his brain tries to think of something to say.

“I… hey!” Jim resists the urge to wince at how dumbstruck he sounds. “It’s- it’s been a while.”

“Almost six years,” Gary agrees. “You look great!”

Jim tries and fails to fight a blush, clearing his throat as he glances away.

“Thanks, uh, you- you look great too.” He glances out at the class, relief and nervousness alike bubbling up when he realizes that everyone else has left. “What are you doing here?”

“The Enterprise is docked on Mars for repairs,” Gary tells him. “Ship’s out of commission for at least the next couple of weeks, so I figured I’d just head home for a bit.”

Jim hums, trying not to let the bolt of jealousy that runs through his veins show.

“Sounds nice. Are you planning on visiting your parents?”

“Not until next week.” Gary grins, and Jim’s stomach flips. “I had something else in mind for my first week of leave.”

A grin fights its way onto Jim’s face, and he looks away, clearing his throat as he gets up from his desk.

“Well, as much as I’d love to spend time with you, Gary, I’m afraid that I don’t have much time to chat. I promised David I’d pick him up as soon as I was done working.”

“David?”

“My son.”

Gary’s eyebrows rise before recognition flashes across his face.

“Oh, that’s right, you and Carol’s kid, I remember now.” His expression turns sympathetic. “I, uh, also heard that you two split up.”

Jim resists the urge to grimace as he gathers his things.

“Yeah, it’s- it’s been a few months. We haven’t finalized anything yet, but we’ve got separate places and a custody agreement- well, we’re not really using the latter right now, but we have it.”

“You’re not using it?”

“Carol’s off planet for a project,” he explains as he puts his bag over his shoulder. “Which is why I need to get back to my office to download the tests to my PADD, then over to the Academy’s daycare to pick up David before he has a meltdown about me being late.”

Again, he doesn’t add.

“How about I walk you there, then?”

Jim blinks, looking over at Gary with a raised eyebrow.

“Come again?”

“Just over to your office,” he clarifies. “I’m not looking to meet your kid right now, if you don’t think he’s up for it.”

Jim hesitates.

“I don’t know, Gary…”

“Come on, please?” Gary smiles softly, something between sadness and hope evident on his face. “I’ve really missed you, you know?”

Jim’s heart lurches, and after a second he sighs and nods.

“But we can’t really dawdle too much, alright? Like I said, I want to get to daycare before David freaks out.”

“Sounds reasonable enough,” Gary agrees with a grin that makes Jim’s stomach flip again. “Lead the way, Commander.”

It’s not an overly long walk from the Kelly building to the Sciences building, thankfully. They fill the short time with conversation, and Jim has to admit, it’s easier than he would have thought to fall back into old patterns with Gary.

Even if Gary does start razzing him after he sees Cadet Chekov wave at him.

“I can’t believe you actually have students that like you now,” he says just as they arrive on the floor where Jim’s office is. “When you were my instructor, I’m pretty sure at least half the class was afraid of you.”

“Oh? And what half did you fall into?”

Gary scoffs.

“Please, I knew you weren’t that tough deep down.”

Jim chuckles as they turn the corner.

“Well, as it turns out, being a hardass is all well and good if you’re sure you’re getting assigned to a deep space mission the following year, but if you have to do it as a full time career the bad end-of-semester reviews matter more.” He shrugs as he gets his keycard out of his pocket. “Plus, now that I’m not only a year older than most of my students, I don’t feel the need to make sure everyone knows who’s in charge here.”

“What growth,” Gary deadpans, making Jim laugh as he opens the door to his office. 

“This should only take a minute,” he tells him as he syncs the computer terminal and his PADD. “I’m sure you heard about that cheating-slash-hacking scandal we had a couple years ago, now they make us go through a ton of hoops to make sure that there’s as little opportunity as possible for such things to happen.”

“Does that actually help?”

Jim shrugs.

“Who knows. Makes the admin look good to the folks at HQ, though, so it doesn’t really matter how much of it is effective and how much of it is just theater.”

He looks up at Gary with a smile.

“But enough about my job and the bull associated with it. How are things going out there?”

To his surprise, Gary actually looks a bit hesitant, as if he doesn’t know how to say something- very usual for Gary, whom Jim has known to almost never think before he speaks.

“What?”

Gary thins his lips, then takes a breath.

“Look, I- I did want to see you just to see you, but the truth is, there’s another reason I came to visit, and I wanted you to hear it from me rather than after the fact through the grapevine.”

Jim frowns.

“Is everything okay?”

“I-!”

“Hey, Jim, did you get that message from admin about…” Gaila trails off as she notices Gary, eyes going wide. “What are you doing here?” 

“Hello, Gaila, nice to see you too,” Gary deadpans as he folds his arms across his chest. “I’m on leave, the Enterprise is docked on Mars for repairs. Figured I’d pop by and visit an old friend.”

Gaila narrows her eyes, glancing between them. 

“Is that all?”

“Well, I’m going to visit my parents next week, but I didn’t think that was relevant to the conversation at hand.” Gary raises an eyebrow. “Got anything else you want to grill me on? Might as well get it out of the way now.”

“Okay, okay,” Jim interrupts before they can get into it. “As much as I’d love to see you two get into it for the thousandth time, I really do need to get moving. Gaila, what do you need?”

Gaila glances between them, then clears her throat.

“You know what, don’t worry about it. I’ll message you later, Jim.”

She leaves before Jim can say a word, closing the door behind her.

“... well, alright then,” Jim murmurs as he de-syncs his PADD from the computer terminal. He checks the chrono, then swears under his breath. “I’m sorry, Gary, but if I don’t go right now David’s probably going to be upset all evening.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Gary says as he opens the door, gesturing for Jim to go through. “Would it be alright if I messaged you later, though?”

Jim blinks, looking over at him as he adjusts his messenger bag.

“You still have my personal comm number?”

“Course I do.” Gary frowns. “Well, unless you changed it, I guess.”

“No, no, it’s still the same. I…” Jim trails off, swallowing as he thinks the request over.

The rational part of his brain is telling him to politely but firmly turn him down- Gary was one of his best friends once upon a time, but he knows where this road ends up: him curled up in his bed and heartbroken.

Then again, that was more than six years ago. He’s not the same person he was back then- he’s gone through an entire marriage since then.

He knows better now. 

And it doesn’t have to turn into anything more than just talking, does it? Just two people reconnecting, that’s all.

Jim takes a breath, then nods.

“Yeah. Yeah, that… that sounds nice.”

Despite everything- despite the fact that he knows better- Jim’s stomach still flutters when he sees Gary smile.

---

David, thankfully, doesn’t have another meltdown of epic proportions for the rest of the day. He only seems mildly cheerier than he did this morning though, and Jim’s glad that he’s got a meeting with his therapist tomorrow. 

He just hopes all of this didn’t set him back too much. He does manage to convince him to sleep in his own bed tonight, but it’s a hell of a battle, and he won’t be overly shocked if David tries to sneak into his bed tonight. 

For the first time in a while, Jim’s actually a little grateful that he’s got grading to distract him from all this.

Or at least, he is until he sees the still-open message thread between him and Spock.

“Shit,” he swears quietly as he starts typing.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: Hey, sorry I didn’t get back to you. I’d love it if you would send me those resources.

Jim quickly sends the message, then leans back in his chair, running a hand through his hair and sighing. He then swipes over to the module with all the tests, opening it up to start grading.

He gets through the first couple before he notices a notification on the messaging tab. He taps on it, then smiles when he sees the links to a few different articles and a couple messages from Spock.

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: There is no need to apologize, I had assumed you became preoccupied with another matter when you ceased messaging me. 

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: How is David?

Jim can’t help the way his heart melts.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: He’s okay, though I wouldn’t say he’s back to normal yet. He’s got therapy tomorrow, so that should help.

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: I am gratified to hear that. Saavik reported that he seemed quieter than usual at daycare today.

Jim sighs. 

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: He’s been quieter than usual all day, yeah. Like I said earlier, I’m hoping he’s not regressing too much. I did at least get him to sleep in his own bed tonight, but it was something of a battle. 

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: Slow progress, even if it follows regression, is better than no progress at all. I believe that you are well-suited to shepherd him through the process regardless of how long it takes or how difficult it is.

Jim grins from ear to ear, face warming a bit.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: Flattery, Dr. Spock?

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: It is not flattery if it is the truth.

Jim resists the urge to grab one of the throw pillows to smother the giggles bubbling up in his throat. 

Hell. He’s in deep, isn’t he?

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: Well, thank you anyway. And again, thank you for the articles.

Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock: It was no trouble. Good night, Commander Kirk.

Cmdr. James T. Kirk: Good night, Dr. Spock.

He closes the conversation window, then sighs as he navigates over to the grading portal, though not before downloading the articles to his PADD.

He’ll have to look over those later- if grades aren’t back in a couple days he’ll get students on his case.

---

“Hey, Jim?”

Jim looks up at Gaila, smiling at her.

“Afternoon. Need something?”

“Yeah, you in my office.”

Jim frowns, quirking his head to the side.

“Uh… okay? Can it wait, I’m right in the middle of grading this test.”

“Nope, right now.” Before Jim can even think to argue, she leaves. He furrows his brow, then gets up, following her over to her office.

“Gaila, what is it that you… need…?”

Jim blinks as he catches sight of Gaila standing next to a computer monitor. There’s a split screen, with Nyota and Bones on the two feeds.

“Uh… hi?” Jim offers. “Is everything okay?”

Gaila gestures at the chair in front of the monitors.

“Jim, please sit down.”

Jim furrows his brow, but walks over to the chair, sitting down.

“What’s going on?”

“What’s going on is that you’re an idiot,” Bones grouses. 

“Leonard!” Nyota hisses.

“No, I’ve gotta agree,” Gaila says. “You’re being an idiot, Jim.”

Jim frowns.

“Can I ask what it is I’ve done to deserve such insults?”

“Oh, I don’t know, how about letting Gary Mitchell back into your life?”

Jim blinks again, then rolls his eyes.

“That’s what this is about?”

“We’re just worried about you, Jim,” Nyota says gently. 

“Nyota, we didn’t even know each other when Gary and I were involved.”

“No, but I’ve heard enough about what happened to know it ended badly. Besides, I’ve worked with him the most recently out of anyone here, and I can tell you that he hasn’t exactly changed all that much.”

“Well, if I were looking to actually date him or anything, that might be an issue, but given that I’m not, I don’t see what the issue is.”

“Does he know that?” Bones asks.

Jim shifts a bit.

“We- well, we haven’t exactly talked extensively about it, but considering last time-!”

“You mean when you fell in love with him and he flirted with random people in front of you?”

“You make it sound like he was purposefully trying to hurt me,” Jim argues. “We didn’t communicate, he didn’t know how serious I was about him.”

“I’d say that not hitting on other people in front of the person you’re sleeping with is the bare minimum if you haven’t actually had a ‘what are we’ talk,” Gaila grouses.

Jim groans.

“Look, that was then and this is-!”

“Excuse me.”

Jim snaps his mouth shut mid sentence, face flooding red. Slowly, he turns around, embarrassment churning in his gut as he lays eyes on Spock.

“I apologize for interrupting, but you left the door open,” Spock explains. Jim can’t quite parse the expression on his face.  “As this does not seem like a conversation one would want their students to overhear, I believed it would be best to inform you of this.”

Jim clears his throat, suddenly unable to make direct eye contact with Spock. 

“I… yeah, uh, thanks for telling us,” he says as he walks over to the office door. He gives Spock what he hopes isn’t too strained of a smile, and Spock nods in response before walking away. He sighs, closing the door, then turns to glare at his friends. 

“I recognize that you all are worried, and that there’s plenty of precedent as to why,” he starts, trying to keep his anger out of his voice as much as he possibly can, “but I’d appreciate it if you had even an ounce of faith in me to navigate this on my own.”

With that, he opens the door, all but slamming it on his way out. He stomps back over to his office, grumbling under his breath as he walks inside. 

He does feel a little childish, but he thinks he’s allowed to stew in annoyance for just a little while.

---

The rest of the day thankfully goes a lot better than it started. Sure, he doesn’t talk to Gaila for the rest of the day- and might not talk to her for a while at this rate- but he’s distracted enough by work that he doesn’t spend much time thinking about it.

David’s therapy session seems to go well, at least. He’s a lot less morose than he was before, though still not at 100%, and that breaks Jim’s heart a little.

That takes his mind off the situation with his friends too.

He doesn’t think about it.

At least, not until he’s put David to bed and is doing some more grading. His comm beeps with a message, and when he picks it up he sees Bones’ name on the ID.

Bones: I’m sorry about earlier. We’re just worried about you.

Jim takes a breath, then another, then finally starts typing.

Jim: I know. Call me?

A moment later, Jim’s comm rings, and he immediately picks up.

“Hey.” 

“Hey.” He takes a breath. “Look, I get why you guys are worried, I really do. I’m not exactly unconcerned myself, what with how Gary and I left things off.”

“But…?”

“But, I’m thirty now. I’ve been married, and I have a kid. I’m not the same person I was when we had that fling.”

“It was more than just a fling to you, though, wasn’t it?”

Jim winces, then sighs. 

“No, it wasn’t, but part of what happened between us is on me. I didn’t really tell him how I felt, or talk about our relationship at all. I can’t fully blame him for not realizing it wasn’t… casual for me.”

“S’not like he couldn’t have made his intentions clear too.”

“Bones, I’m saying it was a trainwreck because of both of us. Neither of us communicated that well, and we both ended up getting hurt.”

Bones scoffs.

“Yeah, he seemed real hurt just days later when he was talking up those women on shore leave.”

Jim sighs again, looking up at the ceiling.

“Look, I’m not going to tell you how to feel about the guy- you’re entitled to your own opinion. But even if I don’t think anything is actually going to happen between us, I need you to understand that I can handle it. At the very least, I know where we both stand now.”

He hears Bones take a deep breath, then exhale.

“Alright, fine. But I swear, if that man hurts you again, I’m gonna find a way to transfer onto the Enterprise for the sole purpose of kicking his ass.”

“I think you might have to beat Nyota to it,” Jim replies. 

Bones chuckles.

“Yeah, probably. So, how’s the kiddo doing?”

Jim sighs as he flops back onto the couch, recounting the past few days to him. It’s therapeutic in a way, getting all of his feelings off his chest with someone who gets it and won’t judge him too harshly for it. 

Though, now that he thinks about it, Spock’s sort of filled the same role recently.

After a little while, in which they switch over to Bones telling him about the goings-on of the USS North, they bid each other goodbye, promising to call again soon. Jim’s about to turn back to grading, but then Nyota calls, offering her own apology for overstepping. They talk a bit about David, though less than he did with Bones, and then about Nyota’s upcoming assignment to Starbase 28. She promises to come by during her next leave before they end the call, and Jim sighs, leaning back in his chair.

His comm buzzes again, and he resists the urge to groan, instead picking it up.

Unknown: Hey, this is Gary. Just wanted to see how you were doing.

Jim’s heart skips a beat, and he bites his lip.

There’s a not insignificant part of his brain screaming that this is a mistake, that he should just ghost him and keep moving on with his life.

He shouldn’t give him the chance to hurt him again.

And yet.

And yet, the part that’s missed him, deep down, is saying “what can it hurt? You know where things stand now, right?”

He takes a breath, then messages him back, using the time between messages to save Gary’s contact info to his comm.

It’s fine.

He knows what he’s getting into now, right?

It’s fine.

Notes:

oh, jim.

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "bad idea, right?" by olivia rodrigo)

Chapter 8: but i'd rather feel something than nothing at all, so

The thing about the coffee maker at the Academy, Jim muses, is that it’s awful.

There’s really no other word to describe it. It barely functions, and it makes bad coffee, which is worse considering he drinks it for the taste more than anything. Possibly the worst coffee he’s ever had, and he’s been on some dingy outposts before.

Unfortunately, it’s basically Jim’s only option. Sure, there’s a replicator that can serve coffee just as well, but Jim’s never been one for replicated coffee- he swears there’s a weird, artificial taste to it that, no matter the actual quality of the coffee, he just can’t get over. 

Normally, it’s not even a problem. Jim has a great coffee maker at home.

Except that today, his alarm didn’t go off in time, and thus he had no time to make coffee. He’d gotten through his morning classes fine, but he feels a little off not having had any coffee, and thus didn’t teach as well as he could have. He’d like that not to be the case for his afternoon classes.

So, terrible coffee from the barely functioning coffee maker at the Academy it is. 

Plus, the staff room in the Sciences building is rather nice, and at this time of day he’s the only one using it. It’s a good little break after a hectic morning.

Or, it is until Spock walks in. 

“Oh, uh… hey, Dr. Spock,” Jim greets. He can’t help but feel a little awkward after yesterday, but he doesn’t want to show it just yet.

“Commander Kirk. I did not expect to see you here.”

“Had an issue with my alarm today, couldn’t make coffee at home.”

“Ah. The tea maker I have at home has malfunctioned, and thus I was unable to use it. It has… I do not enjoy having my routine thrown off.”

“I can understand that, though I’m not always the biggest fan of routine. It’s important for the kids, though, right?”

“Indeed,” Spock says as he starts up the tea maker. It makes a strange grinding sound, and Jim winces.

“I’m guessing that thing makes about as good tea as the coffee maker makes coffee?”

“As I have never had coffee from this particular machine, I wouldn’t know for certain,” Spock tells him. “Though I will say, it is not exceptionally good tea.”

“Yeah, not exactly a high priority for the Academy,” Jim says before taking a sip of his coffee and making a face. “But I guess it’s better than nothing, right?”

“I suppose,” Spock replies.

For a moment, they’re both quiet. Jim jiggles his leg, trying to think of something to talk about.

Something to talk about that isn’t the conversation Spock overheard yesterday, at least. 

He knows Spock doesn’t judge him for his parenting abilities- in fact, his assurances that Jim’s doing just fine has made Jim feel a lot more confident in said abilities. 

He doesn’t know, however, how Spock feels about loud, semi-public discussions of one’s past love life. 

Well. In as much as what happened between Jim and Gary could be considered part of his love life. Gary was pretty clear that he didn’t want to call their situation “love.”

Jim grimaces, then takes another sip of his coffee to hide his expression. 

But, at the very least, he should probably clear the air on the whole thing. Spock didn’t exactly seem thrilled about what he’d overheard- though to be fair, he didn’t seem to have much of an opinion on it. Jim’s still figuring out how to read the guy.

Even if he’s unbothered, though, it’s best to be clear on where they stand. For his own peace of mind.

Jim bites his lip, then takes a breath.

“Listen,” he starts, “I’m really sorry about yesterday. I honestly didn’t notice the door was open.”

“That seemed rather obvious,” Spock replies. “As I said, it did not seem like a conversation you would want students to overhear.”

Jim chuckles a bit sheepishly.

“No, uh, I’d- I’d definitely prefer they knew as little about my personal life as possible. Luckily there weren’t any around.” 

“There was only one.”

Jim blinks, dread creeping into his veins.

“Come again?”

“A student of mine came to see me during office hours,” Spock explains. “Though I dismissed her when I realized you were having what was supposed to be a private conversation, I am not sure how much she heard.”

Jim clears his throat, hoping he’s not blushing too obviously.

“Well, uh, hopefully she doesn’t like spreading gossip, then.” 

“Indeed.” Spock shifts a bit. “I… understand if you do not wish to tell me, but…”

Jim frowns, tilting his head a bit.

“Yes?”

“Are you alright?”

Jim blinks, then furrows his brow.

“Come again?”

“The level of concern your friends had about your reconnecting with this ‘Gary’ person is above what I would consider typical. Is he a dangerous individual?”

Jim blinks again, then finds himself helpless as a snicker bubbles up in his throat. He suppresses laughter, shaking his head.

“No, no, Gary’s- Gary’s not dangerous, he’s just kind of an asshole!”

Spock blinks.

“I fail to see what a slang term for the anus has to do with anything.”

That does make Jim laugh. He covers his mouth as his shoulders shake, unable to help himself.

When he does finally stop laughing, he sees that Spock has a strange look on his face.

“What?” He asks, still snickering a bit.

The tips of Spock’s ears turn green as he clears his throat.

“I apologize, I was… briefly lost in thought. In any case, am I to assume that ‘asshole’ in this context does not refer to the anus?”

Jim can’t help but snort.

“No, no, there’s- there’s no actual anatomy involved here. What I mean is that Gary isn’t always the nicest person in the galaxy, and we… had a pretty bad falling out a few years back.” Jim sighs. “It was both of our faults, really, but obviously my friends aren’t going to side with him- they don’t know him nearly as well as they know me. All they really know is that he caused me a lot of grief back then.”

“I see. And that is why they staged an intervention?”

“That, and they’re a bunch of drama queens,” Jim mutters. “It was more annoying than anything. It’s not like I’m going to date him or anything.”

“... would… dating him be an option?”

“Hm?”

Spock clears his throat, seeming a little awkward.

“As I understand it, Human sexuality has a gendered component to it- gender typically dictates if one individual is able to be attracted to another individual. Some men are solely attracted to women, for example, while other men are solely attracted to men, and yet other men are attracted to men, women, and other genders.”

Jim hums.

“It’s a little more complicated than that, but that’s the gist of it.” He clears his throat. “If you’re asking where I fall, though, I’d say that I’m pansexual- gender doesn’t really matter much to me when it comes to attraction, though I do have preferences.”

He looks over at him.

“From your explanation, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case for Vulcans.”

“Put simply, Vulcans experience attraction based more on personal and mental compatibility than anything else. Gender is not typically a factor, nor is physical appearance.” Spock has an odd look in his eye. “Though of course one may have their own preferences when it comes to their partners.”

A flush runs through Jim; he clears his throat and looks away. 

“That’s, uh… good to know.”

Spock doesn’t say anything, and for a moment Jim wonders if he was just done talking.

“May I ask another question?”

Jim jumps a bit, then looks over at Spock.

“Uh… sure, go for it.”

“If Gary is as unpleasant as you have made him sound-!”

“He’s not that bad.”

“Still, you have stated he is not the most pleasant individual to be around. Thus, I must ask- why would you consider being around him if you do not find him to be pleasant?”

Jim thinks his words over for a moment, staring into his coffee cup.

“... I… well, like I said, he’s not that bad. And maybe I just-!” Jim hesitates, then sighs. “Look, it’s not that I don’t like being a father- David’s the light of my life. It’s just… sometimes it’s nice to reconnect with people that don’t know you as a ‘dad,’ y’know? Reminisce about the good old days, that kind of thing.”

Jim smiles.

“Besides, before we fell out he was one of my closest friends. It might be nice to have that relationship again.”

“I see. May I ask one more question? If it is too personal, I understand if you do not want to answer.”

“Go ahead,” Jim says before taking a sip of his coffee.

“You have referred to Gary as a friend several times. Yet from what your friends said, I had surmised that there was a romantic component to your relationship.”

Jim chokes on his coffee, sputtering and coughing for at least a minute.

“Are you alright? Should I employ anti-choking measures?” Spock asks, the barest hint of concern on his face- in the back of his mind, Jim thinks that must mean he’s really worried.

Still, Jim waves him off as he tries to regain his composure, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself.

“I-!” Jim coughs again, then clears his throat. “C… Caught that, huh?”

“I did hear most of the conversation yesterday,” Spock reminds him, still seeming concerned. 

Jim sighs. 

“Look, I… it’s a little embarrassing, but what happened was that I thought Gary and I were dating, and he thought that we were just friends with benefits.”

Spock blinks.

“What additional benefits were involved?”

Heat rushes to Jim’s face as he clears his throat again.

“I’m… guessing that’s not exactly something Vulcans do.”

“Friendship in general- or at least what non-Vulcans consider friendship- is almost entirely unheard of.”

“Ah, got it.” Jim shifts a bit, looking away. “Well, uh… let’s just say that the ‘benefits’ involved were… a little inappropriate for workplace discussion.”

“... ah,” Spock says after a moment, voice quiet; when Jim looks back at him, he can’t quite read his expression. “It was my understanding that friendship tended to preclude such activities.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Jim tells him.

If he didn’t know any better, Jim would think that Spock lets out a tiny little huff.

“I am beginning to see that much of what I thought I knew of non-Vulcans, Humans especially, is far more complicated than I was led to believe.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“If it makes you feel any better, a lot of folks who’ve lived around Humans their whole lives find it difficult to keep it all straight.” He smiles. “If you ever need help, I’m happy to assist.”

“I appreciate that. Getting back to the topic at hand, though, I assume this miscommunication led to your falling out in some way?”

He sighs.

“Yeah. I caught him… I guess I can’t really say he cheated, because we weren’t together in his eyes and I don’t think he would have done it if he knew, but seeing him with someone else still felt like a hell of a betrayal.”

“If he betrayed you in such a manner, why would you consider allowing him back into your life?”

Jim opens his mouth, then closes it, trying to think of a reason that isn’t “he’s attractive and I’m admittedly a little lonely,” given that he’s trying to shut the door on any non-platonic interactions between them.

“... I guess I just want to see if there’s any possibility we can be friends again after everything,” he says. “He was important to me, regardless of the mess our relationship turned into, and I wouldn’t mind having him around again.”

Spock is quiet for a moment.

“I do not think I understand,” he admits after a moment, “but I respect your judgment.”

Jim smiles tiredly.

“That’s really all I ask.” He sighs, tapping the side of his coffee cup. “But it's all pretty much moot anyway- like I said, I’m not gonna date the guy. Sure, I admittedly still think he’s attractive, but he’s lightyears away most of the time, and I don’t think that we ultimately want the same things out of a relationship anyway.”

“The same things?”

Jim shrugs.

“I’m looking for something more stable- someone staying in one place, who eventually wants to settle down and get married.” He pauses. “Though I don’t think I’ll be getting married for a while yet- technically my last marriage isn’t even legally over yet.”

“Indeed?”

“There’s a required separation period before you can get officially divorced, which would have passed by the time Carol got back if she didn’t get delayed. It’s not a huge deal, since neither of us have any desire to reconcile, but it would be nice to get all the paperwork done. But anyway, I don’t think Gary wants that, and that’s okay.” He shrugs. “But even with all that said, I did miss his friendship. If I don’t at least give it a shot, I’ll probably wonder about it for the rest of my life.”

“I see.”

Jim smiles over at Spock.

“Sorry, that was kind of a lot, wasn’t it?”

Spock shakes his head.

“I do not mind. Listening to each other is part of friendship.”

Jim blinks, then raises his eyebrows.

“You consider us friends?”

Spock tilts his head, frowning.

“Are we not? I had thought we had fulfilled the criteria- common interests, spending time together, conversing an appropriate amount.”

Jim bites back a snicker.

“Spock, there’s not a checklist for friendship.”

Spock blinks, then glances away.

“Oh. I see.”

“But I do consider you a friend,” Jim says quickly. “I just didn’t know if you also considered us friends, since Vulcans aren’t exactly huge on such things.”

Spock is quiet for a moment, clearly thinking. 

“It is indeed not typical for Vulcans to engage in such things,” he begins, “but, as the Terran saying goes, ‘when in Rome, do as the Romans do.’”

Jim can’t help but laugh a little at that.

“Glad to hear it, Dr. Spock.” He smiles. “And thank you.”

“For what in particular?”

“Just for listening.”

The corners of Spock’s lips turn just the tiniest bit upward.

“You are welcome, Commander Kirk.”

---

Jim sighs as he sits down on the couch, leaning his head back.

Another night, another twenty-minute battle to get David to sleep in his own bed. He convinced him, in the end, but not before another round of tears and reassurance that Jim would still be here in the morning if he slept in his own bed.

David’s therapist said that it could take a while for David to feel fully secure again, and thus he’d probably be a lot clingier and attention-seeking for a little bit, but he’d eventually be back to his old self if they kept to their normal schedule.

Jim wants to believe them, but this is also the person who said that Carol being gone for a little while wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, so excuse him if he’s got a few reservations. 

He sighs again, then grabs his PADD, turning it on to see that he’s got one of the articles Spock sent him open- specifically, one about how short periods away can help affirm a child’s trust that their caretaker will return and thus be less anxious about being separated. 

He ponders this idea. Maybe Jim going out for a night could be something he could handle? He’d need to ask someone David already knows and trusts to watch him- possibly his dad? He’s always complaining about how bored he is now that Starfleet made him retire, especially since his mom’s got a few months left before she has to retire. He could ask him to come help out.

But then, what would Jim even do? He and Gaila aren’t really talking, so asking her is out, and he doesn’t really have anyone else he could ask that’s on Earth. 

Well, except Spock, but… he’s not sure they’re at a full “do something without the kids” point in their friendship yet. Playing chess in the Sciences building or hanging out in the faculty lounge is one thing, but going out to dinner is another. 

Though, admittedly, that could be Jim’s nerves about his burgeoning crush on Spock talking. He doesn’t want to make things awkward, especially considering that their kids are friends. One-on-one time in a non-academic environment will just have to wait until either this crush fades or Jim works up the nerve to ask him on a date.

That doesn’t leave him with many options for someone to ask.

At least, that’s what he thinks right up until his comm buzzes with a message.

Gary: Did they change the way traffic flows here while I was off-planet? I swear it takes twenty more minutes to get anywhere now.

Jim snorts.

Jim: Maybe you just don’t remember all the routes as well as you think you do.

Gary: Big talk coming from the man who tried to drive here from Iowa and ended up in Vegas.

Jim: That was one time and you know it.

They chat a little longer, mostly about how Gary’s spending his leave, when it occurs to Jim that this could be perfect- Gary could be an absolutely perfect candidate for a night out with a friend.

At least, he is if Jim ignores the tiny voice in his brain screaming that it’s a bad idea.

Before that voice can get any louder, Jim types in a new message.

Jim: Hey, would you like to get dinner on Friday?

It takes Gary a second to answer; Jim holds his breath until the next message pops up.

Gary: I’d love to :)

And Jim, despite the way his stomach twists, smiles from ear to ear.

Notes:

don't make decisions about your exes while under stress, kids

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "coffee" by chappell roan)

Chapter 9: it's all too strange and strong

“What do you think of these clothes?” 

Saavik hums, then shakes her head, signing that she would like the same dress, but in a bright shade of pink.

Spock resists the urge to sigh. He recognizes that Saavik is allowed to have preferences, but sometimes his own Vulcan sensibilities tire of all the loud colors and patterns.

He respects his maternal grandmother, but he does occasionally wish she had not taken it upon herself to send all of those toddler clothes when his mother informed her that he was adopting Saavik. It has worked out for the best, given that they currently reside on Earth, but he’d like to be able to put her in more Vulcan-styled clothing without inciting a war.

Still, he must admit it is worth it to see her face light up when she sees herself in the mirror. 

“Are you ready to go?” Spock asks once he has purchased her new clothing. Saavik nods, grabbing onto his jacket as is traditional for small children on Vulcan. It is a short distance from the store to the car, but as she is still very young Spock prefers not to risk her getting lost. 

A moment later, Saavik stops in the middle of the sidewalk, pulling on his jacket as hard as she can to get his attention.

“Yes, Saavik?” He asks as he turns towards her.

Saavik points at a large screen, one that is currently advertising an extremely colorful children’s holo-film. Her excitement floods their bond, and he resists the urge to sigh once more.

“Would you like to see that?” He asks. She nods, looking up at him with wide eyes as an image of David enters Spock’s mind. “You would like David to come with us?”

She nods again, eyes pleading.

“Very well, I will ask Commander Kirk if they are available.” He kneels down, picking her up. “Now, we must return home. It is close to dinner time.”

---

The next day, Spock takes a breath, calming his nerves before knocking on the door to Jim’s office.

“Come in!”

He opens the door, stomach flipping when Jim looks up at him and smiles.

“Hey, Spock. What can I do for you?”

“I realize that this is on somewhat short notice, but I was wondering if you and David were available on Friday. There is a children’s holo-film that Saavik has been wanting to see.”

To Spock’s surprise, Kirk gives him an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry, Spock, but I already made plans for Friday evening. Maybe on Sunday?”

Spock squashes down the brief spark of disappointment he feels, nodding at Kirk’s suggestion.

“Saturday would work just as well. Out of curiosity, may I ask what you are doing on Friday evening?”

“Oh, uh, just…” Kirk clears his throat. “I’m… actually going out to dinner with Gary on Friday.”

Spock’s stomach drops.

“Oh.” He shifts a bit. “I… I had thought you did not wish to rekindle your previous non-platonic relationship with him.”

Kirk blinks, furrowing his brow.

“Come again?”

“According to what I have learned of Human culture, a one-on-one dinner between two unrelated adults typically has romantic connotations.”

“Wha-? Oh!” Kirk shakes his head, chuckling. “No, no, it’s not a date, it’s just- we’re just going to dinner as friends, you know?”

“Ah, I see. Is it as common for friends to dine together as it is for those who are romantically involved?”

“I’d say so. It’s a good way to catch up with someone, and in my case it’s a good way to help David get over his separation anxiety, like that article you sent me talked about.”

Spock suddenly and inexplicably deeply regrets sending Kirk those articles.

“I see. I am… pleased that you found those articles helpful.”

“Yeah, I’m glad too. I’ve been really worried about him, and anything I can do to help him get back to his normal self is something I’m willing to do.” He pauses. “Within reason, of course.”

“I am certain any parent would, Commander Kirk,” Spock replies.

Jim hums. He’s quiet for a moment before clearing his throat.

“Hey, you know…”

Spock looks over at him when he trails off, eyebrow raised.

“Yes?”

Kirk clears his throat, touching the back of his neck.

“Just- you can call me Jim. If you want.”

Spock blinks, then feels his heartbeat quicken involuntarily.

“Indeed?”

“Well, since we’re friends and all, it’s- it’s not exactly typical for friends to address each other by last name.” Kirk pauses. “Although, I guess I’ve been calling you by your first name the whole time we’ve known each other, but still.”

He glances over at him, smiling with just a hint of nervousness in his eyes.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to, just thought I’d offer.”

“I…” Spock swallows, then nods. “I will. Thank you, Comm- thank you, Jim.”

Jim practically beams at him, and Spock has to utilize vast more control over his body than usual to keep his face from warming too obviously.

Then the moment is shattered by the buzzing of a comm.

“Oh, sorry,” Jim apologizes as he pulls his comm out of his pocket. He smiles at it, and Spock’s stomach twists. “Sorry, I should take this.”

Spock nods.

“I will speak to you later, then,” he tells him before turning to walk out of Jim’s office.

“Hey!” He hears Jim say when he’s just outside the door. He laughs softly a moment later. “Oh, really? Don’t have anything better to fill your mind with, hm?”

Spock grits his teeth against the sudden anger building inside him, only just resisting the urge to slam the door to his office.

He counts backwards in his head three times, once in every spoken language he knows. 

He does not know why he feels this way. 

He shouldn’t feel this way. 

Why should it matter to him who Jim spends time with? They are friends, yes, but why should he-?

There’s a knock on his door just as he sits down at his desk. It opens before he can say a single word, revealing Lieutenant Commander Hexis-Kyse. 

“Got a minute?” She asks.

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“I suppose. What do you need, Lieutenant Commander Hexis-Kyse-?”

“Call me Gaila, would you?” She interrupts. “This isn’t a formal conversation. Calling me by my rank is just time-consuming.”

Spock knits his eyebrows together, but nods.

“Very well, if you insist. May I ask why you’ve come in here?”

Hexis-Kyse- Gaila pushes a lock of hair behind her ear, glancing around the room.

“Have you and Jim talked at all about what you overheard a couple days ago?”

Spock frowns, but nods.

“Yes. After what I overheard, I… was concerned about Commander Kirk- about Jim’s safety.”

Gaila snorts. 

“Guessing he told you he’s not dangerous.”

Spock frowns.

“That is indeed what he said. Is it not true?” 

She shrugs.

“Well, I doubt Gary would try to kill him or anything, but on an emotional level I trust the grading portal to work during exam season more than I trust that guy.”

“You believe he is going to do something to harm Jim emotionally again?”

Gaila sighs, walking over to Spock’s desk and sitting in the chair opposite him.

“Look, I’ve known Jim since we started at the Academy. With the exception of the one girlfriend he had in high school, I’ve known all his exes- and I do include Gary in that list, even if neither of them want to admit it. Usually his taste in partners is fine- they’re mostly normal, if incredibly intelligent people.” 

Spock refuses to let himself show any acknowledgement of the term “incredibly intelligent,” despite the fact that the thought “I am incredibly intelligent” comes to the forefront of his mind. 

“But there’ve been a couple that… well, let’s just say they’ve made me question if he was colorblind, what with how many red flags he missed.”

“‘Red flags?’”

“You know how red flags used to be used as a warning sign for danger amongst certain Human cultures? In a person, it means dangerous or unhealthy behavior that’s a warning sign for worse things to come.” Gaila sighs. “With Gary, it was that he’s just… generally kind of skeezy. Like, hit on the wait staff skeezy. I’m as sexually liberated as they come, but there’s a time and a place, y’know?”

“I see your point,” Spock agrees. “Still, isn’t it better to allow Jim to make his own mistakes?”

“Not this one,” Gaila insists. “Jim is one of the smartest, most capable people I’ve ever met, and in pretty much every other aspect I trust his judgment, but when it comes to Gary… I don’t know, it’s like his brain just turns off, and he makes bad decisions that he’d never make otherwise.”

She turns to look out the window.

“I just don’t want him to get hurt again.”

Spock hesitates for a moment, steepling his fingers under his desk.

“Have you told Jim this?”

Gaila snorts.

“Don’t you think I’ve tried? He won’t listen to me about this until I’m saying ‘I told you so.’ God, the guy’s not even that cute or charming, I genuinely don’t know what it is about him that gets Jim so moony-eyed over him. I may not be one for monogamy, but I know Jim is, and what happened should have been a deal-breaker- hell, it was a deal-breaker.”

“Jim told me that what happened was at least partially due to a failure in communication between them- they failed to define what the relationship was.”

She huffs.

“Well, yeah, but kissing someone else right in front of the person you’re sleeping with is a shitty thing to do unless you know for sure they’re okay with it. Don’t you think?”

A bolt of anger rolls through Spock, one he quickly suppresses.

“That is what caused the rift?”

Gaila raises an eyebrow.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“He was somewhat vague on exactly what happened between them.”

She huffs.

“That’s not surprising. He doesn’t really like talking about it.” She shrugs. “You can see why I don’t think Gary’s worth the trouble.”

Spock can’t help but agree, though he decides against voicing this.

Instead, he takes a breath, tenting his fingers on his desk.

“Although I agree that, from what I know of him, Gary would not make a good partner for Jim, I do not believe you will have much luck convincing him of that. He does not seem to have any intention of being swayed at this point in time.” He sits up a bit. “Rather than continuing to push him, is it not better to simply remind him that you will be there for him if things go wrong?”

Gaila grimaces, looking away.

“I… guess you have a point. I’d prefer if he just didn’t go down this road again at all, but if I can’t stop him from making this mistake again…” She sighs. “God. He’s one of the smartest people I know, but sometimes he can be really, really stupid.”

As much respect as Spock has for Jim, he can’t help but agree.

“Sorry to have bothered you with this. I just wanted to talk with someone who cares about Jim, you know? Someone who’s a little more objective in this particular situation, at least.”

Spock blinks. 

“Care about him?"

Gaila snorts as she gets up from her chair.

“I wouldn’t bother denying it if I were you. It’s pretty obvious you care.” She smiles. “I’m glad. He could always use more friends.”

She leaves before Spock can even think to argue.

---

That night, Spock lays in his bed, staring up at his darkened ceiling for far longer than he should. 

He cannot stop replaying the events of today over and over in his head, despite the fact that he has already meditated. 

He cannot stop thinking about the look on Jim’s face when he was telling him about his plans with Gary.

How… excited he looked.

Spock knows that this should not bother him.

Who Jim… engages with is none of his business. Jim is an adult, and is perfectly capable of making his own decisions, even if Gaila believes that his decision-making when it comes to Gary in particular is… suspect.

Even if Spock thinks the decision in this case is not a very good one. True, he’s never met this “Gary” character- he does not even know his surname- but from both Jim’s friends’ and Jim’s own description of him he is not exactly the best person to be around. 

Not someone he would think that Jim would want to be around.

(Not someone he would want to be around Jim.)

And yet, Jim seems to want him around. In fact, he seems quite happy whenever Spock catches him messaging someone he assumes to be Gary on his comm.

That should not inspire this strange feeling in Spock’s stomach. 

This… jealousy.

Spock doesn’t understand it. He does not feel this way when he sees Jim with Gaila, nor does he when Jim talks about his other friends. 

The only difference that Spock can think of is that Jim has told him that he and Gary had a sexual relationship in the past, one that ended badly.

It does bother him that Jim is still allowing Gary back into his life after his betrayal, he knows that much. Even if the circumstances around said betrayal were somewhat dubious, he does not see the point in giving Gary another chance.

Why is Jim doing this when he could… could…?

Could what?

Spock, to his own frustration, does not know. The answer seems just out of reach, as if it is floating just past the limits of Spock’s knowledge. 

Why does he feel so jealous of Jim’s relationship with Gary? 

His own romantic history is, at best, sparse- he and T’Pring briefly discussed attempting to deepen their betrothal into a real relationship, but the natures of both of their careers made it difficult to spend time together, and when he adopted Saavik T’Pring requested that they break things off. Outside of that, he has had short, mostly physical relationships, with only his two-month-long affair with Leila two years ago lasting more than a few days of shore leave. 

It is not as though this bothers him, or at least it has not in the past. He was more focused on his career than interpersonal relationships, and had given little thought to marriage or starting a family until Saavik came along. 

So why, then, does it bother him now?

Why does the very idea that Jim may want to have a romantic partner bother him so much? Jim is a responsible adult, and more than that a loving, caring father who no doubt would put David before any sort of romantic partner, and that he would choose a partner that cares for David just as much as he does.

And is it only Jim? Would he be bothered if another one of his colleagues who are single parents decided to pursue a romantic relationship with someone new?

The answer to that is, obviously, of course not. Spock would not care. 

So why does it bother him when it’s Jim? Why does the idea of Jim laughing at someone else’s jokes, of Jim smiling at someone else, of Jim holding someone else in the night make his stomach feel as though it is tangled up in knots?

… and why is he thinking of this hypothetical person as “someone else?” 

Spock blinks, then feels his eyes widen.

“Oh.”

His heart thunders in his side.

Of course. 

He is not jealous that Jim might enter a relationship because he simply wants a relationship.

He wants a relationship with Jim specifically.

Spock breathes in, then out.

He knew, of course, that he enjoys Jim’s company much more than that of his other colleagues- though, to be fair, outside of Gaila he has not had much contact with his fellow instructors. He enjoys their discussions, is impressed with his chess prowess (even if he continues not to completely understand his chess strategy), and is kind to him.

It makes sense, then, that Spock came to consider him to be his first real friend.

But something other than that? 

Spock knows, of course, that Jim is objectively a very attractive man. He has handsome features, bright hazel eyes, a smile that makes Spock feel an odd fluttering sensation in his stomach, not to mention muscular arms and broad shoulders-!

Spock thins his lips.

In hindsight, perhaps his physical attraction to Jim was rather obvious. Even at the grocery store when they first met he could not help but note the fact that he was attractive. Not to mention his… reaction the first time Jim beat him at chess. 

That too makes more sense now.

It is not only that he is physically attractive, though- indeed, if that’s all it was Spock likely would not have had that reaction to him when he was beaten at chess at all. Jim is brilliant, a wonderful father, and above all else he is kind to Spock.

In a way, it is no mystery that Spock has developed a romantic attachment to him. 

The question, however, is if he should. There are plenty of things to consider before he makes any move.

One, the fact that they are both parents- Spock is Saavik’s sole caretaker, and Jim is David’s sole caretaker until November. Their children, no matter what, come first, and what could happen to their friendship if a romantic relationship between Jim and Spock does not work out?

Not to mention, it is not certain as to whether Spock and Saavik will even remain on Earth. Yes, thus far being here has been much more beneficial to Saavik’s development than being on Vulcan was, but who is to say that will be the case by the end of the academic year?

Who is to say that Spock will even be extended another offer from the Academy at the end of the academic year?

Is it worth taking a risk- risking not only his own friendship with Jim, but their children’s friendship- on something that may last under a year?

And who is to say Jim would even return his affection? Just today he affirmed that he sees Spock as a friend, and while the definition of what a “friend” is may be more complex than Spock originally thought, it would seem to preclude any romantic intent. 

If he does not feel the same way, then he may no longer feel comfortable spending time with Spock.

He may no longer feel comfortable allowing Saavik and David to spend time together.

Spock takes a breath, then another.

He is getting ahead of himself. For all he knows, this is simply a minor infatuation, one that will disappear with time.

It is not worth upending the fledgling friendship between Jim and himself, let alone the friendship between David and Saavik.

His only option is to continue on as he has. Jim does not need to know about this infatuation.

If he chooses to be in a relationship with someone else, then Spock will support him.

Even if it makes him feel sick.

Notes:

we interrupt your regularly scheduled jim being an idiot with some spock emotional repression

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "i've never been in love before" from guys and dolls)

Chapter 10: to think i almost had it going (but i let you down)

Notes:

tw: referenced abusive relationship

Jim huffs as he submits the last of his grades for the week, leaning back in his chair and stretching. 

It’s always a relief to have all his grading done before the weekend, but it’s especially great when he’s got plans. Now he can relax and enjoy the weekend without worrying about when he’s going to have time to grade things.

Of course, if he weren’t slightly nervous about seeing Gary tonight, that would be even better.

He sighs, running his hand through his hair. Just as he does, though, there’s a knock at the door.

“Come in!” 

The door opens, and Jim looks up just in time for Gaila to walk in.

“Oh, uh… hey.”

Gaila doesn’t reply right away, instead taking a breath.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I was trying to look out for you, but I was being overbearing and embarrassed you.”

Jim sighs.

“I accept your apology. I just- it’s not like it was back then, you know that right? We’re all a lot older, wiser. I know what I’m doing when it comes to relationships.”

“I know, I just- it sucked, you know? Seeing you so down for so long after that whole mess. He broke your heart, Jim.”

“It wasn’t all his fault,” Jim insists. “We never really discussed what we were, if there was even a ‘we’ at all.”

“He still shouldn’t have kissed someone else in front of you,” Gaila points out. “Not without talking to you about it first. That wasn’t a nice thing to do to someone, Jim.”

“I know that. I’m not saying it didn’t hurt me. I’m saying that I could have initiated the conversation just as easily as he could have, and I never did- I just assumed we were on the same page.” Jim stands up. “Look, I’m not saying you two need to be best friends- just try to be civil? For my sake?”

Gaila breathes in, then exhales.

“Okay, I’ll try.” She bites her lip. “But I want you to remember that no matter what happens, I’m here for you.”

Jim presses his lips together, then sighs.

“Alright. I appreciate your concern, even if I don’t share it.”

Gaila smiles at him, then walks over to the seat in front of Jim’s desk, taking a seat.

“So, how have you been otherwise?”

Jim smiles.

“Well, David’s getting better about the whole separation thing…”

---

“Are you sure I can’t come?”

Jim resists the urge to sigh as he checks his hair in the mirror.

“Yes, sweetheart, I’m sure. This is a grown-up dinner for me and my friend Gary, you wouldn’t have any fun.”

David huffs, draping himself over the side of the couch.

“How come I’ve never met Mr. Gary?”

“Because he works on a starship.”

“Auntie Nyota and Uncle Bones work on starships too,” David points out.

Jim pauses, then shrugs as he walks over to the couch and sits down next to David.

“Actually, Auntie Nyota works on a starbase now, but I guess I see your point.” Jim thinks about how to put it delicately- or at least, in a child-friendly way. “You know how you and your friend Sammy got mad at each other over the way to play a game a couple weeks ago?”

David nods.

“He said that there were safe spots during hide and seek, but that’s not how hide and seek works.”

“Some people do play that way, actually, but it should have been something you both agreed on before you started playing. That’s kind of what happened with Gary and I- we thought we were on the same page about something important, and when we realized we weren’t we were both pretty hurt. We haven’t talked to each other in a while because of that.”

“Oh. What did you have a fight over?”

“Uh… I’ll tell you when you’re older.” 

He won’t, but it’s the only thing he can think to say right this second.

“Awww, but I wanna know now!”

“Er… well…”

Luckily for Jim, there’s a knock at the door, intercepting David’s attention as he lets out a gasp.

“GRANDPA!” He yells, running over to the door and trying to get at the door controls. Jim chuckles, jogging over to open the door. “You’re here!”

Jim’s dad grunts when David runs into him, then chuckles as he ruffles his hair. 

“Heya, tiger!” He grunts again as he picks David up. “Did you get bigger since the last time I saw you?”

“Uh-huh! Daddy says I grew a whole inch!”

“Bout an inch and a half, actually,” Jim corrects. “Thanks for coming out on short notice, Dad.”

“Aw, of course! I’ve always got time for you two.”

“And you don’t have anything else to do.”

“And I don’t have anything else to do,” his dad admits. “But mostly because I love you two.”

“Love you too, Dad. Come on, I’ll show you around and brief you on everything you need to know.”

“Jim, I raised two boys, I think I can handle a single three-year-old for a night,” his dad reminds him as he puts David down. 

“I’m not saying you can’t, I’m saying I just want to be sure you’re prepared. First things first, I put a list of his allergies on the fridge.”

Jim’s dad snorts. 

“Kid, I know what my grandson is allergic to.”

Jim raises an eyebrow, folding his arms across his chest.

“Really. What kind of nuts is he allergic to?”

His dad’s expression turns sheepish.

“... peanuts?” He guesses.

“Tree nuts, Dad. He’s allergic to tree nuts. That means no almonds, no cashews, no hazelnuts- you know what, it’s fine, I put all of them on the list and we don’t have any in the house, anyway.”

“We have peanut butter!” David adds.

“Yes, because you’re not allergic to peanuts. Okay, so he’s allowed to watch two episodes of Meii’shi after dinner, and he needs to have his teeth brushed and pajamas on by 6:45. Bedtime is at seven.”

“Aww, Daddy,” David whines, “it’s Friday and Grandpa’s here! I wanna stay up late!”

“Sorry, buddy, gotta stay on schedule. If you stay up late tonight you’ll want to take a nap earlier tomorrow, and then you won’t want to go to bed on time tomorrow either.”

“What’s wrong with that?” David asks.

“Well, we’ve got that holofilm with Dr. Spock and Saavik on Sunday, but if you’re too out of whack we might not be able to go.”

David gasps.

“NO! I wanna go to the holofilm!”

“Well, then you gotta go to bed on time, right?”

David nods, looking over at Jim’s dad with a serious expression.

“Gotta go to bed on time, Grandpa.”

“Yes, I see that.” Jim’s dad looks up at him, amusement in his eyes. “But who are Dr. Spock and Saavik, I wonder?”

“Oh, they’re-!”

“Saavik is my friend from daycare!” David interrupts. “And Mister Dr. Spock and Daddy like each other too!”

Jim feels his face heat as his dad starts grinning.

“Oh, do they?”

“We’re friends, Dad,” Jim tells him.

“Really, cause I remember you making that exact expression whenever I brought up a certain Miss Ruthie McDonald not too long ago.”

Jim rolls his eyes.

“Ruth and I broke up before I even started at the Academy, Dad. Anyway, I’m not dating Spock.”

“Well, why not?”

“A lot of reasons that I’m not going to go over right now, because I don’t want to be late to meet my friend.”

“Alright, alright. Who are you meeting, anyway?”

“Uh, Gary,” Jim tells him as he grabs his wallet.

“Gary Mitchell?”

“Yeah, him.”

“Huh. You know, I always wondered why you two stopped talking.”

Jim resists the urge to wince- he’d never told his parents about him and Gary, though he’d been planning to when everything fell apart.

“Just grew apart, I guess.” He takes a breath, holding out his arms. “How do I look?”

“Very handsome.” His dad frowns. “This isn’t a date, is it?”

Jim rolls his eyes again.

“No, Dad, it’s not a date. We’re just going out to dinner- as friends.”

“Then why’d you bother getting all dressed up?”

“Some of us like to look nice when we go out. And anyway, I’d hardly call this dressed up.”

“Kiddo, you’re wearing slacks.”

“I wear slacks all the time! Seriously, Dad, it’s not a date.”

Jim’s dad purses his lips, eyebrows rising as he looks away. 

“Well, if you say so.”

Jim doesn’t get the sense that he’s convinced him, but he doesn’t really have time to make sure- Gary will be here any minute. Instead, he turns to David, kneeling down to his eye level.

“I gotta get going now. You have fun with Grandpa, and I’ll wake you up in the morning, okay?”

David looks hesitant, grabbing the hem of his shirt.

“You promise?”

“Cross my heart.” He pulls him into a hug, then kisses his forehead. “I love you, David. Be good, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy.”

Jim hugs him one more time, then gets up.

“Call me if you need me, okay?”

Jim’s dad nods.

“We’ll be fine. You just focus on having a good time, yeah?”

Jim nods, then heads for the door. He bids them good night one last time, then heads out, walking out of the complex quickly.

Gary’s leaning on his car when Jim gets out of the complex, looking at his comm. He’s wearing a button-up shirt and a nice pair of black jeans, which is about as dressed-up as Gary ever gets outside of dress uniform events. 

Despite everything, Jim can’t help the small bolt of attraction that runs through him.

“Hey!” He calls out as he walks over to him. 

Gary looks up, lips spreading into a wide grin as he gets off his car and slips his comm into his pocket.

“Hey, Jim. You look great!”

Heat rushes up to Jim’s face, lips curving into a small smile.

“Thanks, you look good too.”

Gary chuckles, then gestures at his car.

“Ready to go?”

“Mmhm. You got the directions to the restaurant I sent you, right?”

“Yep, already programmed in,” Gary tells him as they walk to opposite sides of the car. Jim gets in the passenger seat, smiling as Gary gets the car started.

This’ll be a good evening, he knows it.

---

“Nice place you picked out,” Gary tells Jim as they sit down at the table. “Ever been here before?”

“Mm, a few times. Not since David was born, though, so I hope it’s still as good as I remember.”

Gary shrugs.

“If it’s not, then you can buy me ice cream and we’ll call it even.”

Jim laughs.

“You’re an easy man to placate.”

“Maybe. Maybe I just like you.”

Heat rolls through Jim, and he clears his throat, grabbing the wine menu.

“What do you say we split some wine? It’s a special enough occasion, I think.”

“Sounds good to me. You pick, I trust your taste.”

Their waitress comes by with their dinner menus a minute later, cheerfully taking their wine order before walking away.

Jim glances at Gary, half expecting to see him ogling the waitress or something. To his surprise, he’s looking at the menu, seemingly completely uninterested in anything but picking out what he’s going to have for dinner.

His lips curve up into a smile.

“Anything look good?”

“I’ll probably get the pasta primavera. You?”

“Hm, maybe the aubergine lasagna? I’ve gotten that from here before, it’s pretty good…”

---

They talk for a little while about various, somewhat low-stakes things: what planets Gary has visited lately, what assignments Jim has coming up for his students, things like that.

By the time the appetizer gets to the table, though, Jim has noticed something- Gary keeps shying away from talking about his work. 

“Alright, what’s going on?” Jim asks after the third time Gary redirects the conversation away from what he’s been up to on the Enterprise.

“What do you mean?”

“You keep avoiding the topic of the Enterprise. What’s on your mind?”

Gary hesitates, then takes a breath.

“Chin-Riley is getting her own ship,” Gary tells him, “and Pike tapped me to be his new first officer.”

That twinge of jealousy rears its ugly head again, but Jim forces it down, instead smiling at him.

“That’s great, Gary! Congrats.”

Gary doesn’t look all that pleased, and Jim frowns.

“Are… you not taking it?”

“No, I- I am, it’s just…” He takes another breath. “Pike also told me that he’s aiming for a promotion to fleet captain in the next few years, and the promotion to first officer is pretty much him giving me a trial run for full captaincy.”

Jim’s stomach drops. 

“... Oh,” he hears himself say. He blinks, then forces a smile. “Well, that’s… that’s great!”

Gary’s expression turns to one of relief.

“Yeah? You think so?”

“Of course I do! I always thought you’d make a great captain, Gary, I’ve told you that.”

“Well, yeah, but you wanted the Enterprise.”

Jim feels his smile go just a little tighter as he shakes his head.

“Well, sometimes life has other plans.” He picks up his glass. “But if it couldn’t be me, then I’m glad it was you, Gary. That ship deserves a good captain.”

Gary grins at him, then picks up his glass. They clink them together, and when Jim takes a drink he has to consciously keep himself from downing it all in one go. 

He forces his emotions, complex as they are, down deep. Being upset about Gary’s promotion isn’t helpful, at least not at the moment. He can let himself have a moment to mourn later, when he’s home.

For now, he can grin and bear it.

---

Once dinner is over, they head over to the park, mostly just to walk around and talk a bit. 

It’s nice. 

Sure, Jim’s mood has been brought down just a little, but he’s not completely glum or anything. It’s a nice night- clear, starry sky, pleasant temperature, overall perfectly lovely.

Admittedly, Jim does think he should feel a little more… something about the situation. 

That he should feel some way that he just… doesn’t.

“Dinner was good.”

Jim glances over at Gary, eyebrows rising.

“Hm?”

“Dinner was good. I liked the place you picked out.”

“Oh, thanks. I haven’t been there in a while, so I’m glad it’s still good.”

“Yeah, you said so.”

“Oh, uh, guess I did.”

Gary hums, looking away.

Neither of them talk for a while, and to Jim’s dismay, it doesn’t feel like the quiet, comfortable silences they used to share- well, as much as there was ever silence between them, comfortable or otherwise. 

Gary suddenly stops near a bench, and Jim frowns, turning to him.

“Everything alright?”

“Just… you’re really alright? With me taking the first officer position?”

Jim’s stomach turns, but he smiles.

“Yeah, I- I’m happy for you, really.”

Gary smiles, then walks towards him, getting far closer than Jim would have expected.

“That’s good. I’d hate for there to be anything that could cause trouble between us.”

Jim blinks, feeling himself flush a bit.

“Uh… what- what are you-?”

Gary leans in, and Jim’s eyebrows shoot up when their lips touch. For about half a second, Jim thinks about pressing back before his mind catches up with him, instead pushing Gary away.

“What the hell?” He hisses.

“Oh, come on, like you haven’t been thinking about it the whole time,” Gary teases as he steps back into Jim’s space, hooking a finger into his belt loop. “I know you, Jim. I know what you look like when you want something.”

He smirks.

“Or someone.”

Jim’s face heats, and he swallows as he takes another step back.

“I… that’s not… Gary, let’s not do this.”

“Aw, why not? Don’t tell me you forgot how good it can be already.”

Jim grimaces, shaking his head.

“That doesn’t matter. I don’t want that kind of relationship with you anymore.”

Gary frowns.

“You’re not seriously still mad about what happened are you? I didn’t know how you felt, you can’t hold that against me.”

“I’m not holding anything against you, I just- I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to get involved like that again.”

Gary raises an eyebrow, then frowns again.

“Don’t tell me you’ve still got feelings for me.”

Jim rolls his eyes.

“No, Gary, I don’t. I haven’t in a long time.”

“Well, if you don’t have feelings for me, then why not? It’s just fun.” He steps closer. “You look like you could use some fun.”

Jim swallows again, then forces down the temptation, shaking his head. 

“I don’t want that, alright? That’s all there is to it.”

Gary frowns again, folding his arms across his chest.

“So, that’s it? You’re not at all interested?”

Jim bites his lip, thinking his words over carefully.

“I’m not going to lie and say I don’t… that I’m not still a little attracted to you,” he starts, “but I also know that it won’t go well if we do give it another shot. We don’t want the same things out of a relationship- I don’t think you even want a relationship at all.”

Gary’s expression shifts to one of indignation.

“Well, excuse me for not wanting to settle down.”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I just- I have a kid, Gary. I have to think about these things, because everything I do could potentially affect him and his growth. I can’t just do whatever I want.” 

After a moment, Gary sighs, stuffing his hands in his pocket.

“Why is that it’s so hard to get on the same page as you?”

Jim huffs softly, walking over to the park bench and sitting down.

“Hell if I know.” He leans back. “Maybe our goals in terms of love are just too different.”

Gary walks over to the bench and sits down next to him.

“... I never meant to hurt you, you know,” he says after a moment. “I just- if I had known that you had feelings for me…”

“You wouldn’t have propositioned me after that mission on Daedalus IV?”

Again, Gary is quiet.

“... I… I like to think I wouldn’t have, but…” Gary shrugs. “I was kind of an asshole back then- I still am, but I like to think I’m not quite as callous when it comes to other people’s feelings nowadays. But I promise, I didn’t know.”

“I believe you, I just…”

Jim’s eyes sting a little.

“I loved you, Gary. I was so stupidly in love with you, I think I lied to myself that I didn’t see you looking at other people, that you didn’t mean it when you talked about them. After… after Janice, I think my standards were so low that as long as you weren’t actively insulting me, hurting me, everything was okay.” He swallows. “Maybe deep down, I knew you didn’t love me back. Maybe I just wanted someone around so I didn’t have to be alone.”

Gary doesn’t answer him for a while.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you,” he says quietly. “I did care about you, just… not like that.”

Jim takes a steadying breath.

“I know. It’s not your fault- you can’t help the way you felt, anymore than I could. And as hurt as I was, I understand that it was just a miscommunication in the end.” Jim swallows. “But after, I just… I couldn’t be around you. I hate to say it, but I was relieved when you transferred off the Farragut.”

Gary huffs.

“Honestly, so was I. It’s not like I hated you or anything, but… well, it was just easier not to be around you. Around everyone who knew what had happened between us.”

For a moment, they’re both quiet.

“So… what now?”

Jim breathes in, then out.

“I’d like to be friends,” Jim tells him. “Without benefits. I care about you, Gary, but I know that no strings attached doesn’t work for me long term. But I do want to have you back in my life.”

Gary smiles, but there’s something… strange about the look in his eyes.

“Do you really think we can be? After everything that happened?”

“I didn’t have a terrible time with you tonight. And I still like talking to you.” Jim smiles softly. “I’d really like to give it a shot.”

Gary takes a breath, then exhales.

“I’ll… I’ll think about it, alright? I don’t know if I can just- forget about it all, you know? We were having sex a lot longer than we weren’t, and… I don’t know what that would look like.”

Jim’s heart drops a little, and he swallows. 

“I… alright. I guess I can understand that.”

Gary gets up from the bench, holding out an arm.

“It’s getting late. Let me take you home.”

Jim takes a breath, then gets up without taking Gary’s arm.

“Yeah, okay.”

---

The ride back home is silent. Part of Jim wants to talk, wants to fill the silence before it chokes them both, but he can’t think of anything to say.

Gary pulls up in front of the building, and Jim takes a breath.

“Thanks,” Jim murmurs, unbuckling himself. He hesitates, then takes a breath. “I… I really am sorry that-!”

“Don’t- don’t apologize, alright? It’s fine.” 

There’s an edge to Gary’s voice that makes Jim flinch a bit, and he sighs.

“Okay. I’ll- I’ll message you later.”

Gary looks over at him, smiling; Jim’s heart aches at how forced it looks.

“I’ll talk to you then.”

Jim tries to smile, then quietly gets out of the car, closing the door and walking around. 

Right when he’s about to go in, he turns back to look one last time.

His heart sinks when he sees that Gary’s car isn’t there anymore. He swallows, then walks inside, sticking his hands in his pockets as he heads for the elevator.

His dad’s asleep on the couch when he gets into the apartment; for a minute, he thinks about waking him up, but decides to let him sleep. He smiles when he ducks into David’s room and sees him asleep, cuddled up with a stuffed bear, then ducks out, closing the door quietly so that he doesn’t wake him up.

Jim gets ready for bed in silence. There’s a part of him that wants to scream, to cry, to do something, but he’s just…

Tired. 

Maybe at most, he’s upset with himself that he let himself believe things would work out this time. 

That there was something that could be salvaged from the wreck that was his and Gary’s relationship. 

Maybe he’d exaggerated how close they were in his head. Maybe, as usual, he cared a lot more about the relationship than Gary did. 

Maybe, he loved too fast and too hard again and drove someone he cared about away-!

His comm buzzing breaks him out of his spiral, and he pulls his sleep shirt over his head before walking over to it.

Gaila: How’d it go?

Despite the turmoil roiling in his gut, Jim manages to smile, just a little. He hesitates, then takes a breath.

Jim: Honestly? Not great.

There’s a long pause, and Jim braces himself for the “I told you so.”

It never comes.

Gaila: That sucks, I’m sorry. Do you wanna talk about it?

Jim blinks, then feels himself smile a little more.

Jim: Maybe in the morning. Right now I just want to sleep.

Gaila: Okay. I’m here for you if you want to talk.

Jim smiles, texting her a thank you before putting the comm on the charger and getting into bed. 

It’s only then that he really lets his emotions overwhelm him. Tears prick at his eyes, and he covers his face. 

Deep down, part of him knew this was a long shot. The part of him screaming that being in contact with Gary at all was a bad idea, he probably should have listened to it. 

And maybe it wasn’t ever about Gary at all- sure, he’s attracted to him, but maybe what he wanted more than anything was a connection to the person he used to be.

To the person he was before…

Before.

Maybe it’s better if they don’t talk.

Jim turns in bed, grabbing his comm from the nightstand and navigating over to his contacts. He stares at Gary’s for a minute, then swallows and takes a breath before hitting the “delete” option, confirming it a second later.

It’s not closure. He doesn’t think he’ll ever really get that.

But at the very least, it’s an ending.

Notes:

thank you all all for 200+ kudos!

also, quick programming note: i'll be taking next week off from updating so i can try to get my chapter buffer back up. sorry about that!

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "california" by chappell roan)

Chapter 11: not yet

The holo-theater is in an area of the city that Spock is almost wholly unfamiliar with; until today, he’s had no reason to enter what has apparently been dubbed “the entertainment district.” The building is more like a complex- from the entrance, he can see a restaurant and a holo-arcade- but the majority of the building is dedicated to a number of small holodecks used to show various holo-films. There are moving ads for the larger shows displayed on either side of the entrance, including the holo-film they will be seeing today.

None of that has truly captured Spock’s attention whatsoever. He is far too focused on not appearing overly anxious or expectant, while also making sure Saavik does not wander off as she is wont to do.

He has not had a full conversation with Jim since they agreed to see this holo-film with the children on Wednesday. 

Not due to any effort on his part, of course- they were both busy during their office hours, so they did not have time to socialize outside of acknowledgement while passing each other in the hall. 

(Spock did consider messaging him outside of work hours, but was unable to think of an excuse as to why he would do so.)

(One that did not seem overly transparent, in any case.)

His point is, he has not had much interaction, let alone face-to-face interaction, with Jim since he realized that he is… infatuated with him.

And, despite all of his meditation on the subject, he has no real plan as to how to interact with Jim so as to not give away said infatuation.

In his defense, he has never experienced such a profound romantic affection for someone before, let alone this quickly. The closest experience he has had to this is when he met Saavik, and that was of course a very different scenario. Combined with his sparse romantic history, and he has very little to fall back on as he navigates this issue. 

His one saving grace is that he is Vulcan, and therefore has experience in masking his emotions. If he avoids saying or doing anything potentially suspect, Jim will never know.

Much as the idea of Jim never knowing how he feels makes Spock feel… strange.

Saavik tugs on his sleeve, breaking him out of his thoughts. A frisson of anxiety floats through their bond, and Spock shakes his head.

“There is no reason to be concerned. I am certain they will arrive shortly.”

Saavik frowns, signing to ask how he knows.

“If they were running late or unable to come, Commander Kirk would have messaged me by now. As he has not, it is safe to assume that they will arrive in a timely manner.”

Saavik seems satisfied with that answer, then pauses before resuming signing.

Are you excited?

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“For what reason would I be excited, Saavik?”

To see David’s father.

Spock fights back a blush, clearing his throat.

“I do not understand what you mean.”

Saavik frowns, tilting her head.

You like him. You are friends.

Ah. That makes more sense.

“While I would not call myself ‘excited,’ I am looking forward to seeing him.” Even if watching a children’s holo-film is not exactly the type of activity he’d prefer to do with Jim. “Are you looking forward to seeing David?”

Saavik lights up, nodding her head vigorously, smiling from ear to ear as she describes the game they played the last time they were together.

Spock resists the urge to smile. In a short time, she has improved immensely from the silent, dour, and isolated child she was on Vulcan, even if she has still yet to begin speaking. He assigns much of the credit for this change to David- his presence in her life has caused her to become much more social and content.

Though, he does also believe that not being in a place where you are gazed at with suspicion all the time is helpful.

“SAAVIK!”

Speaking of. Spock turns just in time to see what could aptly be described as a streak of blond curls in a blue jacket barreling down the sidewalk towards them. Spock puts a hand on Saavik’s shoulder just in case, but thankfully David slows down before he crashes into Saavik, instead simply hugging her.

“Hi! I missed you!”

“You saw each other two days ago,” Spock reminds him.

“But that’s forever ago, Mister Dr. Spock!” David protests.

Spock considers this.

“Given your age, I suppose it does feel like a much longer period of time relative to how it would feel to your father or myself.” He frowns. “Speaking of which, where is he?”

“David Kirk!”

Spock’s heart, much to his consternation, skips a beat when he hears Jim’s voice. He takes a breath, keeping the blood from rushing to his face and ears as he turns around to see him running after David.

“David, how many times do I have to tell you not to run off like that?” Jim asks, sounding exasperated.

“But I wanted to see Saavik,” David whines. 

“I know, sweetheart, but if you run off like that then I can’t make sure you’re safe, and that’s my job. Do you understand?”

David lets out a very dramatic sigh, but nods.

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Good.” Jim turns to Spock, whose heart skips another beat. “Hey, Spock.”

The first thing he notes is that Jim, as always, is very handsome.

The second thing he notes is that Jim looks… less energetic than he normally does. There are bags under his eyes, and his smile is smaller, less genuine. 

Spock is struck by the urge to comfort him, an urge that he quickly suppresses. 

“Good afternoon, Jim.”

“Sorry we were running a little behind. Traffic, you know how it is.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“There was very little traffic when we drove here.”

Jim flinches slightly.

“Oh, uh, really? It was- pretty bad from our direction.”

“There were lots of cars,” David adds- the line sounds… oddly practiced.

For a moment, Spock considers pushing on this, but when he catches sight of the chronometer on top of the building he decides against it.

“We should go inside, the holo-film is going to start soon.”

Jim nods, seeming slightly relieved as he ushers David inside.

---

As befitting a piece of media aimed squarely at preschool aged children, the holo-film is rather short. Spock is entirely unable to follow the plot, and at several points he feels a headache coming on.

However, Saavik and David both thoroughly enjoy themselves, which Spock supposes is the point. If he had wanted to enjoy a film, he would have gotten a babysitter and gone to see something aimed at adults.

Of course, then he would not be able to spend any time with Jim, unless he asked him to come to the theater with him.

Which would be… it would be…

“Spock?”

Spock blinks, turning towards Jim.

“Yes, Jim?”

“You alright? You kind of zoned out there for a minute.” 

Spock feels blood rush towards his face; he clears his throat, looking away as he tries to control his blush.

“My apologies, I was simply lost in thought. Did you say something?”

Jim smiles.

“Well, I was just thinking that since it’s still pretty early in the afternoon, we could swing by the park for a little while.”

“Pleeeeaaaaasssseeee, Mister Dr. Spock?” David pleads. 

Spock glances down at Saavik, who nods vigorously.

“I see no reason not to.”

Both David and Saavik cheer, and Jim grins, making Spock’s stomach twist pleasantly.

---

The park is mostly empty today. Spock supposes that the fact that it is cloudy out has discouraged people from spending the day outside. It is also supposed to rain, but not until the evening.

Saavik and David, of course, do not care that the sky is gray or that there’s a potential rainstorm rolling in later; they take off running for the sandbox, giggling madly as they recreate the events of the holo-film and leaving him and Jim to run after them.

“So did you follow that holo-film at all?” Jim asks when they sit down on a nearby bench.

The corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward. 

“Not at all. It was very… loud.”

“Yeah, I’ll say. Honestly, I was a little worried about you.”

Spock’s heart flutters at that admission.

“Indeed?”

“Well, you did say you weren’t the best with noise. I was concerned it would be too much.”

Spock nods.

“I appreciate your concern, but I looked up the holo-film ahead of time to prepare for that particular issue. I spent extra time meditating this morning in order to handle the larger amount of sensory input.”

“That sounds handy. I’m glad you were able to do that.” Jim pauses. “How does that work, anyway?”

“Put simply, it is an altered state of consciousness between being awake and being asleep, a form of rest that is vital to the upkeep of the Vulcan mind and body.”

“Really? Has Saavik started learning it?”

“I’ve begun guided meditation sessions with her.” He pauses. “She… does not enjoy quietly sitting still.”

Jim laughs, and Spock resists the urge to smile. 

“Well, she is two. David never wanted to sit still when he was two either.”

“In my experience, David does not tend to enjoy sitting still now.”

Jim shrugs.

“Three’s not that much different from two. In some ways, it’s worse.”

“I see. I will have to keep that in mind.”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t worry too much in your case. Saavik is-!”

A shrill shriek comes from the direction of the sandbox, and they both turn to see Saavik gleefully stomping on what Spock assumes was a sandcastle a moment ago.

“... I’m not gonna finish that sentence, actually,” Jim says, sounding mildly amused. 

Spock resists the urge to sigh, folding his arms behind his back.

“My mother refers to her as having ‘a big personality.’”

Jim chuckles.

“Yeah, I can see that. She’s come out of her shell a lot since you’ve been here.”

“Indeed. Being on Earth and amongst non-Vulcans has been good for her development.”

Jim frowns.

“Was being on Vulcan that bad?”

Spock hesitates, glancing over at Saavik.

“The… circumstances of my adoption of her made living there somewhat difficult.”

“What do you mean?”

Spock takes a breath.

“On Vulcan, your extended family is your Clan. It encompasses all who are related to you with two degrees of removal. Because of that, most adoptions, rare as they are, are conducted within the clan- if a child’s biological parents are for some reason unable to care for the child, they will be placed with a member of their clan.”

Spock hesitates again, then takes a breath.

“It is rather noteworthy, then, when an adoption takes place between clans.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

“Saavik isn’t part of your clan?”

“Not by birth, though because I adopted her she is for all intents and purposes no different from someone who had been born into my clan.” Spock resists the urge to sigh. “Just because there is legally no difference, however, does not mean certain people will see it that way.”

Jim blinks, then frowns.

“Surely they didn’t treat a small child so differently.”

“Vulcans are a people who uphold tradition. My clan, being one of the most important to our society, is especially strict about such things.” He squeezes his hand in his lap. “Thus, the adoption of a child who was rejected by her clan is… not looked upon kindly.”

He takes a breath.

“Especially when the adoptive parent is someone who was already considered extremely out of the ordinary. Isolation is not uncommon in that situation.”

“I… I see.” Jim is quiet for a moment. “I suppose I can see why you thought a change of scenery would be good for her, then.”

“It was indeed worthwhile to take that chance.”

Jim hums, then is quiet for a long moment.

“When you say that isolation is common,” he starts, “do you mean that you were isolated too?”

Spock’s hands shake a bit. He breathes in, then out.

“I was the first Vulcan-Human hybrid to survive past infancy,” Spock replies. “Growing up, there was no one else in the entire galaxy who was like me, and… some Vulcans found that their commitment to the idea of infinite diversity in infinite combinations was tested in the face of my existence.”

He clenches his fist in his lap again.

“Many still find that commitment tested, even now.”

“I see. Has it been like that here too?”

“In some ways. Some are much more… overt with their discomfort than others. However, overall I have found that it is rarer than on Vulcan, though that could be due to the fact that San Francisco is home to many non-Terran Starfleet members.”

“Glad to hear that. Still, I… well, I suppose I always assumed that Vulcans were above such prejudices, at least when it came to other Vulcans.”

“You assume that I am considered Vulcan by those who would isolate Saavik and I,” Spock replies. It is only after the words have left his mouth and he sees the look on Jim’s face that he realizes his tone was a bit sharper than necessary. “I apologize, that was rude.”

“No, no, I- you’re right, I probably should have put that together. Still, though, that seems a bit… well, illogical, if you don’t mind me borrowing a word.”

Spock turns to him, eyebrow raised.

“How so?”

“I suppose I just expected that Vulcans, of all people, wouldn’t hold onto something so minor as ancestry when it comes to valuing people.”

Spock resists the urge to scoff.

“You would not be the first Human to think of us as being better than we are.”

Jim doesn’t reply to that, and as Spock has nothing more to say, he assumes that this line of conversation has ended.

In the silence, he cannot help but look at Jim, cannot help but once again notice the bags under his eyes.

Spock hesitates, then takes a breath.

“Jim?”

“Mhm?”

“From what I have learned of Human friendships, it is customary for both people involved to ‘check in’ on the other.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“I suppose so.”

“As that is the case, I feel it behooves me to ask- are you alright?”

Jim’s lips twitch downward, though he quickly smiles.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You seemed tired when we met at the theater.”

Jim flinches.

“I- I just didn’t sleep well, I suppose.”

“Is that why you and David both lied about encountering traffic?”

Jim’s eyes go wide.

“Wh- you knew?”

“I had my suspicions, but you have confirmed them with your answer.”

Jim looks stunned, then smiles listlessly.

“Clever move, Dr. Spock.” He sighs. “No, we weren’t late because of traffic. I just- I haven’t slept well the past few nights.”

Spock frowns.

“You have not slept well since your dinner with Gary?” His stomach tightens at the realization. “Did something happen?”

“I- well, he…” Jim clears his throat, seeming a bit embarrassed. “He may have kissed me.”

A dizzying mixture of rage and jealousy roils in Spock’s gut; he tightens his fist in his lap.

“If he did anything to harm you-!”

“Wh- no, no, nothing like that! I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

“You are certain?”

“Yes, I- Spock, trust me, he didn’t do anything more untoward than a simple kiss.” 

Spock takes a breath, shoving his plan to try and track Gary down into the back of his mind as he straightens his shoulders.

“Very well. If that was not the reason that you have had trouble sleeping, then what was?”

Jim winces, looking away and folding his hands in his lap. After a moment, he sighs.

“I just… I’ll admit part of me is sad that Gary and I can’t be what we were, but it’s more something he told me about his career.”

Spock blinks, frowning. 

“What was it?”

Jim huffs a bit.

“Gary told me that he’s being promoted to first officer. And, given that his captain plans to accept a promotion to Fleet Captain in the next few years, he’s likely to be the next captain of the USS Enterprise.”

Spock blinks, then raises an eyebrow.

“And you found that… upsetting?”

“No, I- well, alright, a little. I am happy for him, I just…” Jim sighs, looking up at the sky. “Ever since I was young, I had this dream of being captain of the Enterprise. President Archer was a personal hero of mine, and I wanted nothing more than to be like him and captain a ship named Enterprise. Gary making it there while I’m stuck down here is… it’s a little hard to process, I suppose.”

Spock frowns.

“Stuck down here?”

Jim flinches, turning his head away.

“Are you prohibited from leaving the planet in some way?”

“No! No, no, nothing like that, just…”

He grimaces again, lips pressed into a thin line.

“Jim?”

“I…” Jim takes a shaky breath. “Look, Spock, it’s not- please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think I can talk about this.”

Spock blinks, then frowns.

“I see.”

“It’s not- it’s nothing to do with you specifically, I promise. I just… it’s difficult for me to talk about what happened with people I’ve known for years, let alone people I’ve only known for a little while.”

“I understand.” Spock clears his throat. “I do hope that one day, you will find it easier to confide in me, however.”

Jim smiles over at him. It does not reach his eyes.

“Maybe someday.”

Before Spock can say anything, a drop of water lands on his nose. He blinks, then furrows his brow and looks up at the sky.

“What?”

“Did you see the weather report this morning?”

“Huh? Er, yes, it’s- it’s supposed to rain tonight.”

“I believe that prediction may have been slightly inaccurate.”

“What do you-?”

A few more drops land, this time on Jim and Spock both. Jim looks up, frowning.

“Well, that’s not good.” He gets up, then turns towards the sandbox, cupping his hands around his mouth as it starts to drizzle. “Kids! We have to go!”

“Aw, why?” David whines.

“Because it’s about to-!”

There’s a crack of thunder in the distance.

“Okay, time to go!” Jim says quickly, running over to David and picking him up. Spock does the same, taking off his jacket to cover Saavik with in case the rain worsens. He wraps her in it despite her protests, holding her close to him.

“Guess we’ll have to cut this short, then,” Jim says as the rain gets just a bit heavier.

“No!” David protests as they start moving towards the parking lot. “Daddy, we weren’t done playing yet!”

Saavik makes a sound of agreement, moving around as if making an escape attempt.

“I know, kiddo, but you can’t play in the rain, and you definitely can’t play in a thunderstorm.”

“But we weren’t done!”

“You will see each other tomorrow at daycare,” Spock reminds him. 

“There’s not a sandbox at daycare!”

“Well, I’m sorry, David, but sometimes we just don’t get what we want.”

“But we need it!”

“No, you need to not get absolutely soaked and catch a cold. Besides, I’m sure Dr. Spock and Saavik don’t want to get wet either.”

“But-!”

At that very second, the sky opens up, unleashing a downpour upon them. David screams, burrowing his face into Jim’s chest, and Jim makes a face.

“Okay, back to the pavilion!”

It is somewhat difficult to see thanks to all the rain, but they manage to make it back to the pavilion fairly quickly, though the only person who is not at least partially soaked is Saavik.

Spock shivers, quickly regulating his body temperature to adjust for the chill. 

“Well,” Jim says after a moment, brushing his wet hair out of his eyes. “I guess we’re not going anywhere any time soon.”

“Indeed… not…” Spock trails off, unable to keep himself from tracing a single bead of water running down Jim’s face and neck. His eyes wander downward before he can stop them, but when he feels Saavik shift against him he quickly tears his gaze away. “Are you alright, Saavik?”

She pokes her head out from beneath Spock’s jacket, a displeased expression on her face that perfectly matches the displeasure she transmits through the bond. He transmits comfort back, and she relaxes a bit, though she is still pouting.

“Sorry about this,” Jim says quietly.

“As far as I am aware, Jim, you are unable to control the weather. Imprecise forecasting is the thing at fault here.”

Jim chuckles.

“I suppose you’re right on that front.” He sighs. “Still, I can’t imagine that this is what you had in mind for the afternoon.”

Spock is quiet for a moment.

“At the very least, the company is quite pleasant.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

Then, for the first time all day, he smiles genuinely, eyes crinkling at the corners, and Spock's heart skips a beat.

“Daddy, I’m bored!” David whines, ending the moment before it can even truly begin.

Jim rolls his eyes, though he doesn’t stop smiling. 

“Alright, alright. I think there’s still one of your books in my bag, how about we read that?”

“Yeah!”

Jim walks over to the bench and sits down with David in his lap, opening up his bag and pulling out a picture book.

“Oh, Spock, you and Saavik are welcome to join us.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise, but he walks over to the bench, sitting down with Saavik in his lap. Their thighs touch, and for a moment Spock considers moving his away, but after some thought decides against it; if he were to move away, Saavik may have trouble seeing the book.

It is for her sake, then, that he does not move.

And if he enjoys it on some level, then no one has to know.

 

Notes:

apologies for the extra week between updates. i'd like to say that it won't happen again, but unfortunately i'm having some health issues and may not be able to keep to an update schedule for a while. thank you in advance for understanding :)

comments are appreciated

Chapter 12: learning curve

Spock suppresses the urge to shiver as he exits his hover car, adjusting his scarf and pulling his coat tighter around his body.

The weather has been somewhat difficult for him to handle. He knew, of course, that he would have to adjust while living on Earth, and even to a degree before that given that Saavik’s body temperature is lower than his own, but it is still an adjustment that he has not quite gotten used to yet.

Still, he supposes that Saavik’s fascination with how the leaves change color over the course of the season is worth the chill. If she is content, then so is he.

He adjusts his bag on his shoulder, then walks around to get Saavik from her carseat. He pulls her out, then closes the door and locks the car, shifting Saavik around as he starts walking. 

Saavik pats him on the shoulder insistently, and he looks over at her, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

She points at the ground, and an image of herself walking alongside him appears in his mind.

Pushing down the small pang of wistfulness, he nods, putting her down and allowing her to walk with her hand in his. 

The rest of the walk to their apartment is silent, save for the quick greetings he exchanges with Mrs. Patinkin. Once the door is open, Saavik runs in ahead of him.

“Saavik, Jeremy told me that you had something for me in your backpack, please retrieve it,” Spock reminds her as he closes the door behind him.

Saavik nods, taking her backpack off as he places his own bag on one of the dining chairs. She pulls out something just as he puts down his PADD, running over to him.

Spock frowns as Saavik places the small card on the table in front of him, putting his PADD down and picking it up. The front of it is covered in pictures of balloons in various colors, the word “Party!” overlaid on top of them in white text. He furrows his brow, then turns it over to look at the other side, where an invitation for a birthday party for someone named Jacob has been printed neatly. There is a section denoting the time and location of said party, as well one with a request for books rather than toys.

“Who is Jacob?”

An image of a young boy, likely closer in age to David than Saavik, appears in his mind through the bond. Next, he sees him playing with a toy he knows Saavik has played with in the daycare.

“I see. Do you know him well?”

Saavik shrugs, and Spock frowns.

“If you do not know him well, why did he invite you to his birthday party?”

Again, she shrugs. She then lifts her hands to sign.

Can I go?

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“If you are not close with Jacob, why would you want to go?”

David is going.

“Ah, I see.” Spock looks back at the invitation, thinking it over. “I would like to speak to Commander Kirk first, to determine how this event typically goes.”

Saavik frowns.

But I want to go.

“I am not saying no, Saavik, I am saying that I need more information.”

Saavik’s frown turns to a pout as anger flares over the bond, and she stomps back over to her backpack, picking it up with it still unzipped and dragging it over towards her room as books, toys, and pieces of paper fall out.

“Saavik, do not slam the-!”

The door to her bedroom slams, and Spock resists the urge to sigh. He picks up his PADD, then pauses, actually sighing before getting up to pick up the things she had dropped.

---

Spock’s stomach twists in a not-unpleasant way as he begins walking towards Jim’s office.

He is not nervous about seeing him- not exactly, anyway. They see each other most days, talk in person most days, and on days when they do not see each other in person they usually message each other, usually regarding something one of their children has said, but often they discuss scientific papers or news regarding the Interplanetary Chess Federation as well.

He is not nervous.

… or, rather, he is not overwhelmingly nervous.

It is more that he…

Spock’s thoughts trail off when he reaches the open doorway of Jim’s office, eyes fall on Jim, whose own are trained on his PADD. His lips are parted slightly, mouthing along as he reads, and Spock cannot help the way affection blooms in his chest. 

He resists the urge to sigh.

Try as he might, he has had no luck in reigning in his attraction towards Jim in the past few weeks- if anything, it has become even stronger, not to mention the growing… affection he has towards him. He finds himself thinking of Jim at random times- cooking dinner, grading assignments, and, on more occasions than he’d care to admit, in the shower at night.

He has, at least, gotten better at being able to look Jim in the eye following that latest manifestation of his attraction.

Not only that, but he often wishes Jim was present whenever he is not in the vicinity, to the point that he seeks him out for no reason. He has tried to provide excuses, but he is unsure Jim believes those excuses.

Though if he does not, he has not said anything. In fact, he seems rather pleased that Spock has sought him out at all. 

That, in turn, makes Spock…

Spock bites back a grimace, shaking his head.

He should not let himself get carried away. He is Vulcan, after all.

Additionally, he should not spend much more time standing in Jim’s doorway and staring. He is under the impression that most Humans find such a thing unnerving.

With that in mind, after taking a breath to steady his nerves, he knocks on the open door.

“Commander Kirk? Are you available to speak at this time?”

Jim looks up at him, blinking before his lips spread in a smile that makes Spock’s insides squirm.

“Afternoon, Dr. Spock. Sure, I’m not doing anything important right now. Oh, but fair warning, someone might come in since we’re getting closer to midterms.” 

Spock nods, walking inside and closing the door behind him.

“Was David given an invitation to a birthday party yesterday?”

“He did. Oh, did Saavik get one too? I recall Patrick did say they were likely going to just invite everyone in Jeremy’s group, but that was a while ago.”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Is it typical to invite all of your child’s peers to such an event?”

“At their age, yes. It’s not until they reach school age that most kids will start being more selective about who gets invited.”

“I see. I must admit, I do not entirely see the logic in that course of action.”

“It’s mostly just to keep kids from getting their feelings hurt over not getting invited to a party. Being left out can really be upsetting at that age.” Jim smiles. “But anyway, are you and Saavik planning on going?”

“That depends.”

Jim furrows his brow.

“On what, exactly?”

Spock clears his throat.

“I… am not entirely clear on what to expect at this type of event.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“You’ve never been to a birthday party before?”

“Vulcans do not celebrate the day of their own birth the way that other species do. As I have previously had very little interaction with non-Vulcans, I… find myself at something of a loss.”

Jim chuckles a bit, then gestures to the chair on the other side of his desk.

“Well, I’d be happy to help answer any questions you may have. Have a seat.”

Spock nods, walking over to the chair and sitting down.

“So, what do you want to know?”

“The basics will suffice.”

“Alright. It’s somewhat similar to a normal party, though of course this doesn’t involve alcohol. The kids play games, and bring presents- usually toys, although Patrick requested books this time. They’ll usually serve a meal and some cake as well.”

“I see. It seems… interesting.”

Jim laughs, and Spock’s heart skips a beat, even as he acknowledges to himself that he is glad to see him so cheerful after his being somewhat more muted a few weeks ago following his dinner with Gary.

“Well, it’s a good time to socialize with other parents, but it’s really more for the kids to run around like maniacs. Hopefully there won’t be any injuries, at least.”

Spock frowns.

“Injuries?”

“Oh, nothing major- just bumps and bruises, mostly. Kids sometimes run into each other, y’know?”

“I see.”

Jim frowns.

“Is that a dealbreaker?”

“Not necessarily. I… will simply need to make sure Saavik can handle such an environment.”

“Ah. Well, that’s a good idea- it can be a little overwhelming the first time around.” Jim smiles. “Do let me know if you’re coming, though. I’m sure David will be thrilled to have Saavik there.”

Spock’s lips quirk up into a smile.

“That is why she wants to go. She was somewhat upset with me for not immediately saying yes, and dragged her backpack to her room while it was still open, leaving a bit of a mess behind.”

Jim laughs softly.

“Well, she is two, after all.”

“She is nearly three now. Her birthday is in late November.”

Approximately, at least.

“Oh, really? Well, if you need any help setting up her own party, I’d be happy to help you out.”

Despite himself, Spock’s lips quirk upward again.

“Thank you, Jim.”

“Anytime, Spock.”

---

The return home is quiet. Saavik appears to still be unhappy with him regarding his lack of answer, so there is no chatter from her end of the bond about how her day went. She hardly even looks at him, and only holds his hand because he insists.

Spock suspects he is not going to enjoy her teenage years.

Saavik gets into the apartment before him, taking off her shoes quietly before walking toward her room, not stopping to take off her backpack.

“Sa-!”

The door to her room slams shut again, and Spock closes his eyes, counting to ten before letting out a sigh.

He knew that, eventually, he would have to do this. No Vulcan can possibly survive without learning to shield, even one who never interacts with anyone who isn’t a Vulcan. As Saavik’s father, it is his duty to guide her in this. The only reason he has not is because it has not been necessary- Saavik mainly only plays with a single person at a time, or otherwise will play by herself, making it difficult for her to be overwhelmed by the emotions of others.

But now it is necessary. Now he must guide her.

The fact that he can remember, clear as day, how his own father became colder and more reserved with his affection the moment he began learning to shield, is irrelevant.

With that, he walks over to Saavik’s bedroom, knocking on her door.

“Saavik? I would like to speak to you about the party. I’ve made a decision.”

After a moment, the door opens. Saavik’s expression is blank save for the angry furrow of her brows.

“Come sit in the living room with me,” Spock instructs before turning and walking down the hall. Saavik follows him, sitting down on the couch next to him and looking at him skeptically.

“I have decided that you can go to Jacob’s birthday party,” Spock tells her. Her face lights up, and he holds up a hand. “There is, however, a condition.”

Her expression turns to one of confusion.

“In order to make sure that you are not overwhelmed during the party, I must teach you how to shield your mind from the emotions of others. To do this, I will meld with you. Are you alright with that?”

Saavik still seems confused, but nods.

“Good. Come kneel on the rug with me.”

Spock gets up, helping Saavik off the couch before walking over to the rug in the middle of the living room. They kneel down across from each other, and Spock reaches to put his fingers on her meld points.

“My mind to your mind… my thoughts to your thoughts…”

---

Given that she is not yet three years old, Saavik’s mind is still raw, unformed and full of potential. Therefore, when Spock opens his eyes, he is greeted by a white void, representations of Saavik’s thoughts floating by their heads- tomatoes, a pair of shoes his mother often wears, and a stuffed teddy bear she’s fond of, for example.

“Are you ready to begin, Saavik?”

Saavik seems hesitant, but nods.

Spock swallows, then takes a breath.

“Picture a door,” Spock instructs her. Saavik closes her eyes, and a door appears. “Good. Now, picture the room the door goes to.”

A wall appears around the door; the mental space now resembles the hallway outside of Saavik’s bedroom. Spock walks over to the door, opening it to find that it is indeed Saavik’s own bedroom that she has imagined, then gestures for her to go inside. She seems slightly nervous, but does so, hands clenching and unclenching at her sides as she stares up at him.

“This room represents your mind,” he explains. “When this door is open, it means that you are unshielded, that you are able to pick up on the thoughts of others when you touch them.”

Saavik nods.

“By closing this door, you close off your mind to the thoughts and emotions of others. This will help you navigate events that are busy, and will be invaluable as you grow older.” He gestures at the door. “Please go ahead.”

Saavik doesn’t move, instead tugging at the hem of her sweater. Spock frowns, tilting his head slightly.

“Saavik, you must close the door yourself. I cannot close it for you.”

Saavik shakes her head, and Spock suddenly sees the image of her trapped behind the door, unable to get out or to contact him.

Spock blinks, then feels something inside his chest soften even as guilt once again rises within his frame. He takes a step forward, then crouches down to her eye level.

“Even when the door is closed, our bond remains.” He thinks for a moment. “Do you recall how we visited your grandmother’s family in Montreal briefly before we moved to San Francisco? How your great-uncle Emile showed us the antique two-way radios he bought from a collector?”

Saavik frowns, clearly confused, but nods. Spock holds out a hand.

“Picture that you and I each have one.”

Saavik still seems confused, but does so; in an instant, a pair of two-way radios appear in their hands. 

“These represent our bond. If you use this, you will still be able to contact me, even when the door is closed.”

Saavik still seems afraid, shifting from foot to foot. Spock reaches over, cradling her cheek gently.

“I promise, Saavik. Nothing bad will happen if you close that door. I will be right here, and you will still be able to reach me. I will not allow you to come to harm.”

Saavik hesitates for another moment, then finally nods. Spock stands, taking a step back as she puts a hand behind the door. She hesitates, looking up at him, and he inclines his head.

“I will be right here. I will see you in a moment.”

Saavik thins her lips worriedly, then nods, taking a breath before closing the door. The moment it is closed, the radio in his hand beeps; he feels her press urgently at the bond, calling for reassurance.

Spock lifts the radio close to his face, pressing the call button.

“I am here, Saavik,” he tells her.

Immediately, relief floods through the bond, and Spock has to tamp down on the guilt that wells up in his gut.

This is for her own good. If she does not learn how to do this, she will be miserable, and possibly a social outcast down the road. 

“You did very well, Saavik. You may come out n-!”

The door flies open, and Saavik rushes forward, colliding with Spock’s legs. She holds onto him tightly, and another wave of guilt rushes through him. He forces himself to ignore it, instead placing a hand atop her head.

“I know, Saavik. I am certain that was highly nerve wracking for you.”

She clutches his legs tighter, and he runs his fingers through her hair.

“Would you like to end the meld now?”

She nods, and Spock closes his eyes, bringing them both out of it. When he opens them again, Saavik is once again sitting across from him, her own eyes closed.

When she opens them, she stares for a moment, eyes wide.

“Saavik?” He asks cautiously.

Saavik blinks before screwing up her face, letting out a quiet sob as tears form in her eyes. She holds out her arms, and Spock immediately leans forward and pulls her into his own, hushing her softly.

“I am sorry,” he apologizes quietly- the words are not nearly enough to properly portray the illogical guilt threatening to suffocate him from the inside out, but he feels he must say something. “I am sure that was extremely difficult for you.”

Saavik lets out another sob, clutching at his sweater, and again he runs his fingers through her hair. 

“The fact that you were able to do so in spite of your fear, Saavik, is remarkable. You are stronger than you realize.” He hesitates, then hugs her a little tighter. “But for now, you do not have to be strong. I am here. For as long as you need me, Saavik, I will be here.”

Saavik’s sobs have quieted slightly, though she is still shaking in his arms. She looks up at him, face covered in tears, and he reaches down to brush some away. 

“I am here. I promise you that.”

Saavik sniffs, then buries her face in his sweater once more. He rubs the back of her head gently, allowing her to cry as much as she needs to.

Perhaps, from a Vulcan perspective, it is overly indulgent to do so. Perhaps by doing so, he may make it more difficult for her to learn emotional control later on.

That is what his father would say.

But Spock knows that right now, she needs him, needs comfort that only he can provide.

He knows all too well what it is like to be denied that comfort.

So instead, he holds her close, hushing her and rubbing her back until she calms down, until her sobs have become just sniffles and trembling. He leans down, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, her stomach growls.

Despite himself, the corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“It is nearly time for dinner, it seems. Are you hungry?”

He feels Saavik nod against him. 

“Would you like to have spaghetti with marinara sauce tonight, Saavik?”

Saavik’s head pops up, eyes wide as she nods. Her face is streaked with tears and snot, which does make Spock think his sweater has not fared well through this event, but even then she is clearly excited about Spock’s offer.

“First, I will clean you up and change shirts. You may read a book while I make dinner, is that satisfactory?”

Saavik sniffs, then nods, wrapping her arms around his neck so that he can hold her while rising to a standing position. He carries her to the bathroom, setting her down on her stool before going to wet a washcloth.

For a moment, they are both quiet as Spock cleans her face. Spock contemplates what, if anything, he should say to make sure she is alright- even with how much time has passed since he became her father, he finds himself unsure in his abilities to properly comfort her and provide emotional support. 

Still, he supposes if he does anything, he will tell her the things that he wishes his own father had told him when he was young.

“Saavik?”

Saavik blinks up at him, her face still tinged with green around her eyes and at the tip of her nose.

“Saavik, I…” 

The words stick in his throat. He wants to say them, wants her to know, but the voice in his head keeps reminding him that he shouldn’t, that Vulcans do not say such things, that-!

A small hand pats his face, snapping him out of his spiral. Saavik looks up at him, brows knit together in concern, and something in Spock melts. He leans forward, pressing his forehead to hers and transmitting the emotions he cannot quite bring himself to verbally articulate through their bond.

An answer comes in a second, the same emotion accompanied by happiness and gratitude.

I love you too.

And, despite what his upbringing tells him, Spock cannot see how such a thing could ever be un-Vulcan.

Notes:

so, good news, my health has gotten a bit better!

bad news, i had the worst fuckin' writers block for like two weeks, not least because i had to scrap what i was going to do with the next part of the story. sorry for the extended wait time!

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 13: birthday party

“Dad, come on, let’s gooooooo.”

“David, it takes more than two seconds from when I stop the car to when I can get out and get you,” Jim reminds him.

David groans loudly, practically ragdolling in his carseat.

“But I wanna go noooow!”

Jim resists the urge to sigh, reminding himself that technically, this is his own fault- there’s not a doubt in his mind that David’s over dramatic tendencies came from him.

“You remember what I said about helping Saavik feel included? Remember, she’s never been to a birthday party before.”

“Yeah, Daddy, I remember. And I gotta make sure nobody tries to run her over, cause she’s still littler than everybody.”

“Attaboy. Oh, but have fun, okay? I don’t want you to feel like-!”

“Daaaaaaaad…”

“Alright, alright!” Jim says as he gets out of the car, walking over and opening David’s door. He helps him out of the seat, grabbing both the wrapped book and his bag before closing the door. Once the car is locked, he holds out his hand for David to take, which he does. 

“Are you excited?” He asks as they start making their way toward the house.

“Uh-huh! Jacob said they got a bounce house!”

Jim resists the urge to wince; in his experience, bounce houses can be a little anxiety-inducing from the outside.

“Sounds like fun. Just try to be careful, okay?”

“Okay!”

Jim smiles down at him, then helps him up the doorstep. He knocks on the door, and a moment later it opens, revealing a somewhat frazzled-looking Patrick.

“Hey, guys!” He greets cheerfully, stepping out of the way so that they can walk in. “You’re just in time, we just opened up the crafting station.”

David gasps with delight, then looks up at Jim with pleading eyes.

“Daddy, can I go, can I, can I?”

Jim chuckles, ruffling his hair.

“Sure kiddo-!”

David immediately takes off running.

“Thank Jacob for inviting you when you see him!” Jim calls. When he gets no response, he sighs. “That kid…”

Patrick chuckles softly, and Jim smiles at him.

“How are you holding up?”

“Oh, I’m doing alright. I will say, this was a lot easier with Bao here, but since he’s on assignment…”

“Yeah, it’s tough when your spouse is off-planet. Well, ex-spouse, in my case.”

Patrick laughs just as there’s another knock at the door.

“Ah, excuse me for a second,” he says, turning back to the door and opening it. “Hey, Dr. Spock and Saavik, thanks for coming!”

If Jim perks up a bit at hearing Spock’s name, well… no one was looking at him to see it, at least. He smiles as Spock and Saavik walk in.

“Dr. Spock, good to see you again.”

“I am pleased to see you as well, Commander Kirk. Has David already gone to the backyard?”

“Mm-hm, he was really excited about the crafting station.” Jim looks down at Saavik, smiling. “Are you excited about the party, Saavik?”

Saavik nods, then tugs on Spock’s sleeve. Spock turns his head to look over at Patrick.

“Is it a straight line to the backyard?”

“No, there’s a hallway- ah, Jim, could you possibly show them over? A few people still haven’t arrived and I don’t want to have to run back and forth all day.”

“Sure thing.”

“Thanks, I really appreciate it. Oh!” Patrick points at Spock. “And don’t worry, Dr. Spock, I made sure to put the vanilla cupcakes on the other side of the table from the chocolate ones.”

“I appreciate that, thank you,” Spock tells him before looking back at Jim. “Shall we?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Jim says, gesturing out in front of them. “It’s right through here.”

Spock nods as they begin walking, following Jim out into the hall that leads to the enclosed patio. They chat a bit, mostly small talk, but for some reason Jim gets the strangest feeling that someone’s staring at him.

It’s only when he, by chance, glances down at Saavik that he realizes that she is staring at him, big brown eyes trained directly at his face. 

He smiles at her. 

She continues to stare at him, a somewhat thoughtful expression on her face as they reach the patio.

“It’s just through here,” Jim tells them as he slides the door open.

Saavik is still staring at him as she walks through. Jim is starting to wonder if there’s something on his face, even though he knows there isn’t.

Still, he supposes it doesn’t matter- kids can be a little strange, as he’s learned over the years. Even Vulcan children can be a little hard to figure out, as it so happens.

“David should be over by the craft station… ah, there he is.” Jim cups his hands around his mouth. “David!”

David’s head perks up at the craft station. He starts waving wildly when he catches sight of Saavik.

“There you are. Saavik, why don’t you go and-?”

By the time Jim looks down, Saavik has already taken off, making a beeline for the craft station.

“... well alright then,” he murmurs, looking over at Spock. “Seems we’re free to do as we please for a bit, then.”

“Indeed,” Spock agrees, an extremely mildly amused look in his eyes. 

Jim smiles at him, then clears his throat.

“So, what was the chocolate thing about?”

“When I RSVP’d, I inquired as to whether there would be a chocolate cake or any other chocolate desserts, as Saavik should not consume any.”

Jim frowns.

“Is she allergic to chocolate?”

“No, and as far as I am aware she has no food-based allergies. Her consuming chocolate would be dangerous in the same way a Human child drinking a martini would be dangerous.”

Jim’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Wait, hold on, chocolate is an intoxicating substance for Vulcans?” 

“Yes. There is enough genetic similarity between the planet we create certain beverages from and the cocoa bean that intoxication occurs when chocolate is eaten or imbibed. At Saavik’s age, it is unsafe for her to have any. However, since having sweets is typically an integral aspect of children’s birthday parties, I wanted her to still be able to participate.”

Jim smiles at him.

“I’ve had to do the same thing- David’s allergic to tree nuts.”

“Indeed?”

“Mmhm. Not deadly, thank goodness, but it’s bad enough that he’ll be pretty miserable if he somehow manages to eat any tree nuts. I usually just-!”

“There you are!”

Jim turns, smiling when he sees who called out to him.

“Charlotte!” He greets cheerfully. “Glad you could make it.”

“Well, it was a bit touch and go with shore leave for a bit, but I made it!” Her gaze catches on Spock, and she smiles. “Now, who’s this?”

“Ah, where are my manners? Charlotte, this is Dr. Spock, he’s teaching some of the physics courses at the Academy this year. Spock, this is Charlotte. She and I were in the Academy together.”

Charlotte’s lips quirk into a tiny smile as she holds out her hand.

“Lovely to meet you, Dr. Spock.”

“I am gratified to make your acquaintance as well. However, I must inform you that Vulcans do not shake hands.”

“Oh?”

“Touching hands is reserved for more intimate relationships,” Spock informs her, tone somewhat bland.

Charlotte laughs, pulling back her hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Well, I suppose we’ll just have to work up to that, then.”

Jim resists the urge to wince. 

“Such a thing is typically done by engaged or married couples,” Spock clarifies. “It is highly unlikely you and I would ever do so.”

Charlotte smirks a bit.

“We’ll see about that, won’t we?”

Spock lifts an eyebrow, but before he can say anything, there’s a crash from somewhere nearby.

“Mommy!”

Charlotte’s expression turns from flirtatious to irritation.

“My apologies, Dr. Spock, it seems I have something to attend to. I’m sure we’ll talk more later.”

Spock, for his part, says nothing as she walks away, looking mildly perturbed as he turns back to Jim.

“Did that conversation look as strange from an outside perspective as it was to experience directly?”

Jim snickers, shaking his head.

“It was rather weird. Sorry about her, she… tends to come on a little strong.”

“So it would seem. It was rather unexpected, however.”

“What, being hit on at a children’s birthday party?”

“Yes, but also being the subject of interest from a Human at all.”

Jim blinks.

“Wait, that’s what caught you off guard?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“In my admittedly limited experience with Humans, someone expressing a romantic or physical interest in me is a rare event. Indeed, it has only happened once previously.”

“I- it has?”

“Yes, it was a woman I, as Humans call it, dated briefly-!”

“No, no, not that, just- you really don’t think any Humans have been interested in you besides her?”

Spock frowns.

“I do. Why would they be?”

“Well, you’re just so-!” Jim freezes, realizing just a bit too late where this line of conversation could lead. He flushes, clearing his throat and turning his head away. “Ah, um… nevermind, actually.”

Spock looks at him, clearly a bit confused, but thankfully doesn’t push on the topic.

“What are we meant to be doing at this time?”

Jim clears his throat again, sticking his hands in his pockets.

“Well, uh, that- that depends. You could stay here and keep an eye on the kids, though I think there are enough parents on duty over at the crafting station to make that less of a worry. You could also just chat with some of the other parents if you’d like.” He smirks. “I’m sure Charlotte would be happy to continue speaking with you.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“And why would I do that?”

“Well, you have to admit, Dr. Spock, she’s rather lovely.”

“I suppose in an aesthetic sense, but she is rather… overly friendly for my tastes.”

Jim chuckles, shaking his head.

“Thought so, but I couldn’t resist the urge to tease you a little.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow, but before he can say anything they’re interrupted.

“Daddy, Mister Dr. Spock, we’re all done!”

Jim turns to see David and Saavik tearing across the lawn, each carrying something that he can see sparkling from all the way over here.

He can already imagine the glitter gathering in the corners of his apartment.

“Hey!” He says perhaps a bit too cheerfully in order to mask the utter dread he’s feeling, “are you two all done with crafts already?”

“Yeah!” David holds up his project, a drawing of… something that, indeed, has an absurd amount of glitter on it. “Look, Daddy, look!”

“Oh, that’s…” Jim honestly has no idea what he’s looking at here; he quickly decides the best way to proceed is to be intentionally and confidently incorrect to make David laugh. “That’s a great little house, David!”

David giggles.

“Nooooo, Daddy, it’s a dinosaur!”

“Ahhh, that’s right! It looks great, kiddo.” Jim turns his bag and opens it, carefully slipping it inside. “I’m gonna put that on the fridge when we get home, okay?”

“Yeah!” David looks over at Spock. “What do you think about Saavik’s drawing, Mister Dr. Spock?”

Spock doesn’t answer, and when Jim looks over at him there’s a strange look on his face, one that Jim can’t quite manage to decipher.

“Spock?”

Spock starts a bit, and Jim could have sworn he blushed a little before clearing his throat. 

“This is very good as well, Saavik,” he tells her before slipping it into his own bag. 

Saavik beams just as Patrick calls out to tell everyone that lunch is ready.

“Food!” David shouts before grabbing Jim’s arm and tugging on it. “Daddy, let’s go, let’s go!”

Jim laughs, looking back at Spock with a smile as they start walking towards the folding tables.

---

The party rolls on after that. Jim has to explain the concept of a bounce house to Spock, who seems rather perturbed by the whole thing, but still allows Saavik to play in it with David for a little while. Saavik tries a tofu dog for the first time and decides that she likes it, which seems to be both a relief and an irritation to Spock, who promises her that he will purchase some next time they go grocery shopping with something of an air of resignation.

The cupcakes, however, are where the real mess is. There is so much frosting on David’s face after that Jim’s a little worried he’ll run out of wet wipes. As it stands, more than a little gets on his own hands, and he ends up heading for the bathroom to clean them off. When he’s done, and far less sticky, he starts heading back towards the backyard.

“... hear about that encounter near the Neutral Zone?”

Jim pauses, glancing over at the kitchen. Two parents are standing next to the sink, expressions somewhere between concerned and conspiratorial.

“I did, Aminata told me about it. They’re getting bold over on the other side, aren’t they?”

“Right, right. I mean, I’m sure that it’s nothing Starfleet can’t handle, but I can’t help worrying. The Earth-Romulan war was a long time ago, but who knows how long it’ll last in Romulan memory? No one’s ever even seen one, they could live for centuries for all we know.”

“I know I’d still be sore over such a humiliating loss. Plus, there are all those rumors about what happened at the Neutral Zone last year…”

“Now that’s a mystery for the ages. Usually we get at least a few details, but I’ve barely heard anything about it and it’s been almost a year.”

“You don’t think it was a Section 31 thing, do you?”

“Not everything is a Section 31 conspiracy, Janine. Besides, is this even something that’s in their purview?”

“Who knows what their purview really is. Could definitely involve kicking Romulan ass.”

“Well, whatever the case, I definitely wouldn’t want to find myself facing down one of them.”

“Hey, for all you know you’ve already met one. Aren’t they known to utilize deception or something? And like you said, no one’s ever actually seen a Romulan.”

“Now you’re really getting conspiratorial…”

Jim huffs, rolling his eyes, then turns away from the two gossips, blinking when he sees Spock on the other side of the doorway. He begins to smile, then frowns when he sees the look on Spock’s face. It’s barely noticeable, but Jim knows that feeling all too well to mistake it. He’s even seen it before on Spock, if only for a split second.

Panic.

“Spock?” He whispers, taking a step towards him. “Spock, are you alright-?”

Without a word, Spock turns on his heel, briskly walking toward the bathroom. Jim follows, walking as quickly as he can without possibly making too much of a commotion.

“Spock-!”

The bathroom door slams just as Jim turns the corner; Jim winces, swallowing the lump that forms in his throat. 

He finds himself hesitating. Were it anyone else, he most likely wouldn’t- he’d walk right up to the door and knock. 

But this is Spock, whose emotions are always under such tight control, barely readable to Jim at the best of times. He’s only seen him really have an outburst like this a few times since they met, and both times it clearly bothered him that it happened in public. 

Would it be better if Jim just pretended he didn’t see anything? If he just acts like nothing happened and goes back to the party?

And even if that is the right thing to do, can Jim do it? Can he just walk away, knowing that Spock isn’t okay?

Before he can even make a decision, though, the door opens, revealing a surprisingly neutral-looking Spock.

Or at least, he is until he notices Jim standing in front of him.

Jim clears his throat.

“Er. Hi.”

“... hello,” Spock says quietly.

Jim hesitates for a second, then takes a breath.

“Are, um… are you alright?”

Spock cringes slightly before resuming his usual neutral expression.

“I am unsure what you are referring to.”

Jim frowns, folding his arms across his chest.

“Spock, come on. I know you know we both overheard that conversation- we were practically standing across from one another.” He hesitates for a second. “And I… I saw the look on your face.”

Spock winces, looking away.

“It was… a momentary lapse. I assure you, it will not happen again.”

“I’m not- Spock, I’m not trying to shame you over it or anything, I just want to make sure you’re alright.” He clears his throat. “Was it something about the Neutral Zone incident a year ago?”

Spock’s eyebrows both rise.

“How did you…?”

“You had a similar look on your face when I brought it up at the park.” Jim shifts his stance slightly. “I wasn’t really being serious at that time, but now… Spock, were you there when that happened?”

Spock doesn’t answer, instead looking away. His expression has turned unreadable, so carefully neutral that not even the best of Section 31 would be able to guess what he’s thinking.

“... whatever you are thinking, Jim- whatever conclusions you have drawn- I believe you are likely incorrect.”

“That’s not a no,” Jim points out softly. 

“As a Vulcan, a direct lie is very difficult for me to say,” Spock admits quietly, still not looking at him. “However, I also cannot tell you the truth. I apologize.”

Jim’s heart stutters.

“Was it that bad? We’re not about to go to war, are we?”

“To my knowledge, full-blown war is extremely unlikely,” Spock replies before frowning. “I am saying too much. All you need to know, Jim, is that this has nothing to do with you. It is none of your concern.”

Jim frowns, a bit of indignation flaring up in his gut.

“I just want to be sure you were alright, Spock, how is that not my concern? We’re friends, that’s what friends do for each other.”

Spock’s face softens slightly.

“I do not mean to imply that I do not appreciate your concern, Jim, I simply- it is easier not to know. That is all.”

Jim frowns, furrowing his brow.

“What do you mean?”

“I… cannot say. I know that is unsatisfying, but it is all I can say without possibly implicating you in something that neither of us want to be involved in.”

“Spock…” Jim takes a breath, then lets it out. “Alright, I… I suppose I’ll trust your judgment on this.”

Spock seems to relax a bit.

“Thank you.” He clears his throat. “Shall we return to the party?”

Jim nods, putting his hands in his pockets as they start walking towards the backyard. There’s still an air of tension around them, and he tries to think of something to say that could possibly break the tension. A thought occurs to him, and he smiles.

“So, what was it that Saavik drew, anyway?”

Spock startles a bit, and Jim swears the tips of his ears turn green. 

“She… drew a pair of stick figures. They appeared to be holding hands.”

“Oh, that’s cute! Was it just random stick figures?”

Spock clears his throat.

“It appeared to be a Vulcan and a Human.”

Jim blinks.

“That’s… kind of unexpected. Was it of her and David?”

“It was too ambiguous to be certain,” Spock says somewhat blandly. The tips of his ears are still green.

“Huh. Well, she is only two. Either way, it’s pretty adorable.”

Spock inclines his head a bit as they reach the back door.

“I suppose so.” He pauses for a moment. “Jim?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you. For checking on me.”

Jim blinks, then slowly begins to smile.

“Sure, Spock. Anytime.”

Notes:

the drawing was not of david and saavik ;)

gonna take a quick second to check in with my fellow americans- how y'all doing? i am... not doing great, gonna be honest. very anxious. please vote if you haven't already!

comments are appreciated!

Chapter 14: accidents

Notes:

tw: vomiting, hospital, sensory overload, fear of child mortality, near panic attack

At this point, Spock believes himself to have mastered the art of not waking Saavik when carrying her from the hovercar to the apartment. 

It is a mastery born out of necessity- while she rarely cries as she did when he first adopted her, being awoken after falling asleep upsets her. As Spock has no desire to spend the next half hour calming her down, he is cautious about getting her out of her carseat, gently moving her around on his shoulder so that he can adjust his bag slightly. 

To his relief, they do not encounter anyone between the parking garage and home. Saavik sleeps soundly, only stirring slightly when Spock gets her into her pajamas. Within moments, he’s closing the door to her bedroom, breathing a sigh of relief.

He turns towards the kitchen, placing his bag on the table. It topples over when he lets go, a corner of a piece of paper poking out of it.

Heat rushes through him when he recalls Saavik’s drawing from earlier. He hesitates, then takes a breath and pulls the picture out of his bag.

It is at this point that he realizes that putting a craft project into a bag with no covering was not the wisest idea. There is glitter all over the contents of it, including the change of clothes he keeps in there. Spock winces, sighing and making a mental note to clean the bag before their next outing as he puts it down.

It is then that he looks at the picture again properly, his heart stuttering in his side.

Spock was not being… entirely honest about what the stick figures were doing when Jim asked earlier. In his defense, the actual explanation would have taken more time than the walk from the bathroom to the backyard, but he will admit that he does not particularly enjoy having purposely misled Jim. Lying does not come naturally to him.

Still, explaining that his daughter drew them with their fingers engaged in an ozh’esta is… to be frank, even just the thought of it makes heat sweep over the back of his neck.

And it can only be them- the Vulcan figure bears his haircut, and the Human’s eyes are green rather than blue like David’s, likely due to Saavik not understanding what hazel is and just guessing.

Truthfully, Spock does not think Saavik actually believes he and Jim are romantically involved. Rather, her knowledge of relationships between adults is limited to her grandparents and the parents of the characters she sees in cartoons, and therefore her assumption is that all relationships between adults are romantic. 

He does, in this moment, blame his parents for being overly affectionate in front of her. He also believes his mother would find this amusing before interrogating him on Jim, which is why he has decided not to tell her about this.

Spock sighs, then moves over to the refrigerator, taking a magnet and pinning the drawing to it. Normally, he would take it to his office- Jim had suggested he display some of her art there to, for lack of a better word, humanize him in the eyes of his students- but between the glitter and the subject matter, he’d rather not chance any issues. 

Namely, Jim actually seeing it and questioning what the drawing actually is. Lying to him is not something Spock relishes, even if, like all Vulcans, he knows how to get around outright lying.

Still, what is done is done, and he has other things to attend to before class tomorrow. With that in mind, he walks over to the couch, picking up his PADD to look over his lesson plans.

Unfortunately, it is not the most intellectually robust of activities, and thus, his mind wanders back to the events of today’s party.

Specifically, to one event in particular.

“Hey, for all you know you’ve already met one. Aren’t they known to utilize deception or something? And like you said, no one’s ever actually seen a Romulan.”

Spock’s stomach lurches. He closes his eyes, breathing in, then out. 

They do not know. It was a conversation about something else. It was likely nothing more than a joke.

They do not know.

But what if they did, asks a small voice in his head. What if they find out? What will they do? What will you do?

Spock grips the sofa cushion tightly.

It is a question he has had to ask himself many times since adopting Saavik. Call it protectiveness, call it paranoia, but since the day he made the decision to become her father the idea that someone could find out her true heritage has weighed on him. 

On Vulcan, it was common knowledge that something was… unusual about Saavik. When someone is rejected by their birth clan, it does not stay quiet.

It especially does not stay quiet if the rejected party is under two years of age.

Still, given the lengths both the Vulcan High Council and the Federation went to to make certain that Saavik’s heritage remained a secret, the gossip surrounding her remained just that- gossip. For all the stares and whispers that followed them, there were no confrontations, no outright rejections; even as Spock watched Saavik becoming the lonely child he once was, there was an air of plausible deniability in regards to her ostracization. 

On Earth, would that remain the case? 

It is true that, for Humans, the Earth-Romulan war is long enough ago that few who lived through it remain. Here, it is a war that lives on through history books and museum exhibits. For all Spock knows, Saavik’s heritage would be nothing more than a shock with no greater implications for Vulcan’s relationship with the rest of the Federation.

That is the best case scenario, of course.

A part of Spock wants to believe it is the most likely one. That despite everything, Humanity’s better angels will prevail. 

He would like to believe that.

But he has read Human history books. He knows too well what horrifying things they inflicted on each other, how many times they nearly wiped themselves out completely. 

And despite over a century of uneasy peace, Romulans are still considered enemies of the Federation. On Earth, they are faraway, a danger to no one, but if one were to walk among them…

Spock grimaces, shaking his head. 

He is worrying over something that almost certainly will never come to pass. It does him no good to focus on it now.

What he needs now is to meditate. Then, perhaps, he will be able to get some work done.

---

Spock is halfway through his meditation when he feels it happen. 

It’s distant, at first- mild discomfort in the abdomen. He does not think much of it- Saavik tends to sleep with a large amount of stuffed animals, as well as move around quite a bit in her sleep. Therefore, it is easy enough to assume she has rolled on top of a toy and dismiss it entirely.

Then bile burns at the back of his throat, and Spock’s eyes snap open. He quickly extinguishes his firepot and incense, then gets up, walking hurriedly over to Saavik’s bedroom.

Unfortunately, he can tell from the second he opens the door that he’s too late; the sour stench hits his nostrils with the force of an overly exuberant sehlat, his own stomach twisting. In the dark, he allows himself a brief grimace and a sigh before walking over to Saavik’s bed.

“Saavik,” he says quietly. She groans, curling in on herself; he reaches down to brush her hair back soothingly.

It is then that his internal temperature spikes. He gasps, legs going out from under him as beads of sweat pour down his face. He attempts to center himself, hands shaking, exhaling when overwhelming heat recedes.

His relief lasts only a second before realization strikes him. His stomach drops as he looks over at Saavik, who is now shivering on her bed.

Something is wrong.

Spock springs into action before there is enough time for panic to set in; he gets Saavik out of her soiled pajamas and into something clean, grabs the day bag, and punches in the number he needs on his comm.

“Hello?”

“Is this Dr. Obisanya?”

“This is she. May I ask who is calling?”

“This is Dr. S’chn T’gai Spock. My daughter is S’chn T’gai Saavik. You were one of the doctors assigned to treat her in case of a medical emergency.”

One of the few informed of her biology, he does not add.

“Oh! Yes, hello, Dr. Spock, how may I help you?”

“Saavik has become extremely ill.”

“What are her symptoms?”

“High fever, vomiting, chills,” his vision blurs slightly, and he grits his teeth. “Some disorientation as well.”

“Is she having trouble breathing?”

“None that I can tell.”

“I see. Lack of restricted breathing is good, but you’d better bring her in, just in case. I’ll have a nurse meet you at the entrance.”

Despite the fact that that was the expected response, Spock’s stomach clenches, his heart palpitating in his chest. He takes a deep breath.

“Understood. I will be at the hospital shortly.”

He ends the call, shifting Saavik in his arms. She whines, and he hushes her softly as he starts heading for the door.

“It will be alright, Saavik. You will be alright.”

Saavik groans, and Spock’s stomach clenches again.

“It will be alright,” he repeats.

For a moment, he is uncertain whether he is attempting to reassure her, or himself.

---

A prickly sensation rolls over Spock as he parks near the hospital; he forces himself to ignore it, getting out of the car and hurrying to get Saavik out.

She is still shivering and sweating. Spock’s stomach clenches, and he all but runs to the entrance. 

“Dr. Spock!”

He turns towards the Andorian in a medical uniform, a knot forming in his chest even as relief courses through him.

“Where is Dr. Obisanya?” Spock asks, slightly breathless.

“Right this way,” they reply, gesturing down the hall. “Has she been sick since your call?”

“No, but her temperature has remained higher than normal, and she has also been experiencing chills and excessive perspiration, as well as nausea.”

The nurse nods, then waves to security as if signaling to let Spock and Saavik through. They lead them down the hallway, over to the nurse’s station where a woman in a lab coat is waiting.

“Dr. Obisanya!”

The woman looks up, jogging over to meet them.

“How is she?” Obisanya asks.

“She has not been sick since I called, but her other symptoms have not abated.”

Obisanya nods, pulling out a tricorder and scanning Saavik.

“Her vitals don’t seem bad, but we’d better take her in for a more thorough examination. Do we have a biobed open?”

“Yes, there’s one open now.”

Obisanya nods, gesturing for them to head over to the area in question. When they arrive, she holds out her arms.

“I’ll need to take her now.”

A sudden snarl works its way up Spock’s throat, one he is only barely able to suppress before it becomes visible. His instincts rage against the idea of giving her up, of trusting someone else with her care.

But he knows, logically, that he must. This is something he cannot do for her.

So, he swallows, then hands her over to the doctor. 

“There’s a bench over there for you to wait on. We’ll let you know what’s happening as soon as possible.”

Spock nods, watching as Obisanya and the nurse walk away without another word.

He swallows, clenching his fists as they hang at his side.

There is nothing he can do for her now. He is not a medical doctor, does not even begin to have the training necessary to fix this, and thus the logical action is to simply wait. 

Logic, however, does not completely stamp out the urge to storm over there and return to Saavik’s side. His fingers twitch with it, and he clenches his fists again to force himself to refrain. 

Saavik will be fine. The doctors know what they are doing, in as much as anyone can know what they are doing in regards to the health of a child who is the first of her kind known to the Federation.

Taking a breath, Spock moves over to the bench they pointed out earlier, sitting down and folding his hands in his lap.

He breathes in, then breathes out. 

A slight buzzing makes its way to his ears- he quickly identifies it as the light overhead, which is unfortunately also overly bright. The intercom crackles to life, and Spock winces as someone directs a Dr. Hughes to Room 138 in a disinterested voice. An overwhelming, artificial lemon scent floats by his nostrils, making him grimace as he wraps his arms around his torso. 

He is Vulcan, and therefore cannot say that he truly “hates” anything.

If he were to hate anything, however, hospitals would be near the top of the list. Every aspect of them appears tailor-made to send him into sensory overload. 

Though, even if it were a more sensory-friendly place, he cannot say he would like it- his memories of hospitals are-

Needles, pain, bright lights and people talking as though he is not even there, his mother’s worried face, another injection, another bitter pill forced down his throat, it will not make him better, what will make him better- 

Spock thins his lips, gripping at his arms for a moment to ground himself.

He breathes in, and out. In, and out.

He must not allow himself the room to fall apart. Saavik needs him. 

He must keep himself together, for her sake.

Even if such a thing feels entirely impossible at the moment.

---

Five, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes pass. Medical personnel pass by without looking at him, save for a nurse that brings him a bottle of water approximately twelve minutes in. 

The longer the waiting goes on, the more Spock’s throat tightens, his stomach churning. He considers, briefly, slipping into a light meditative state, but he has some concern that such a thing would cause discomfort among the non-Vulcans around him. 

He cannot force himself to look at the biobed. 

Instead, he sits. And waits.

And waits.

And waits. 

Spock breathes in, then out.

He can handle this. If his parents could handle his hospitalizations in his early childhood, he can handle this.

Even if the situations are not entirely comparable- in his case, there was a full breadth of medical knowledge for both of his heritages, as well as the documentation for one Elizabeth T’Les Tucker, whereas in Saavik’s there is a gap in medical knowledge on one side.

There is only so much they can do because of that. If something went wrong, they… they wouldn’t…

What if they can’t save her?

Spock immediately clamps down on the thought, banishing it to the deepest recesses of his mind. 

There is no point in thinking like that. He has no control over it.

His hands clench in his lap.

He cannot help her any further than he already has.

His heart-rate picks up, and despite the lower temperature of the hospital his own internal temperature rises.

He cannot help her.

The noise of the hospital is drowned out by a high-pitched ringing in his ears.

He cannot, he cannot, he cannot-!

“...ck? Dr. Spock?”

Spock snaps to attention, eyes wide as he turns towards the voice.

“Are you alright?” Obisanya asks, brows furrowed.

Spock swallows thickly, then clears his throat.

“I apologize, doctor, I was… lost in thought. I am well.”

She frowns, clearly not fully believing him, but to his relief she does not push.

“Well, if you say so. Would you like to see Saavik?”

Spock’s throat tightens once more.

“How is she?” He manages.

Obisanya smiles.

“She’s sleeping now, but it looks like she’ll be alright.”

Tension bleeds out of Spock in an instant, his shoulders dropping as he exhales. He stands up, following Obisanya over to the biobed.

Saavik is indeed asleep, looking much more peaceful than she had just an hour ago. There is an intravenous line in her arm; Spock banishes thoughts of the last time he’d seen her in such a state to the back of his mind.

“It was a good thing you brought her in, despite the fact that it wasn’t my exact worry.”

Spock frowns, looking over at Obisanya.

“Clarify your meaning.”

“Well, when you called, my immediate concern was that she’d been poisoned,” Obisanya explains.

Spock’s stomach drops.

“What?” He asks before he can stop himself.

“Not purposely,” Obisanya amends. “More in the sense that certain foods regularly consumed by one species can be fatal if consumed by another- certain fish eaten by Andorians contain toxins in their meat that would kill a Rigelian, for example.”

Spock nods, slightly numb.

“And… your conclusion?”

“Thankfully, her reaction appears to have been more in line with an immune system response than poisoning. Did she eat anything she hasn’t eaten before today?”

“She had what is known as a ‘tofu dog’ at a birthday party, but she has eaten tofu previously with no issue.”

“Any condiments?”

Spock blinks, then nods as his chest tightens.

“She had mustard. I wished to avoid the ketchup as it appeared to be overly sugary.”

“That’s likely it, then. Mustard is one of the few allergens Humans and Vulcans share, although it’s extremely uncommon for the latter. In any case, it doesn’t appear to be too severe, but I’d suggest avoiding mustard and certain seeds in the future. I can get you a list of potential problem foods if you’d like.”

“That would be helpful, thank you.”

Obisanya nods before looking back down at her PADD. 

“We’ll keep her under observation for another half-hour, but after that she should be fine to go home. Is she enrolled in any kind of schooling?”

“Yes, my workplace has an onsite preschool that she attends.”

“Alright, well, I’d let her sleep on it, but if she still seems a bit low energy in the morning I’d consider keeping her at home to recuperate.”

Spock nods, then looks over at Saavik, stomach churning.

“If you’re feeling guilty, Dr. Spock, you shouldn’t.”

The back of Spock’s neck heats as he turns back to Obisanya.

“I am Vulcan, doctor. ‘Guilt’ is not something I experience.”

Obisanya hums.

“Alright, but if it were, then you should know that it’s not uncommon for people to discover their allergies only after they’ve had something they’re allergic to. You couldn’t have known this would happen.”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“I… appreciate the thought, Dr. Obisanya.”

She smiles politely at him, then walks away. 

Spock breathes in, then out once more before turning to look at Saavik once more. She snores softly, the color having returned to her face.

His stomach turns as he retrieves a chair, sitting down next to her bed.

Logic tells him that Obisanya is right- there is no way he could have known that Saavik is allergic to mustard before she consumed it. It is uncommon enough that he would not have even thought to have her tested for it.

It was an accident.

And yet.

And yet, he…

If it had been worse, she-!

Spock clenches his thighs so hard that he nearly feels his nails through his meditation pants.

He cannot allow his thoughts to go down that path. There is no room for him to fall apart now.

Perhaps there never will be.

But that does not matter. Saavik needs him, and he cannot let her down.

Not ever.

Notes:

apologies for disappearing again. between the election and job-hunting i've had a time over the past month- turns out large amounts of stress are not good for your health. thank you all for bearing with me!

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 15: let me help

Notes:

tw: referenced allergic reaction, hospitalization

The door to Spock’s office is closed. 

This, in itself, isn’t unusual- he closes the door when he has a student in his office. Jim assumes that’s the case for the first thirty minutes of their shared office hours, and thus pays it no mind.

It’s at the half-hour mark that he starts getting curious. He wouldn’t say that he pays an excessive amount of attention, but he’s never known Spock to have meetings with students that last more than half an hour. 

It is getting close to midterms, though. Might be someone trying their damndest to get their grades up, though somehow Jim doubts Spock would be so accommodating as to give them an entire half-hour.

At forty-five minutes, he knows it’s not a student- Spock definitely would not be that accommodating. He stands up, leaving his office and walking over to Spock’s door. 

“Spock?” He calls as he lightly raps his knuckles against the door.

No response. Jim frowns, knocking again. 

“Spock, are you in there?”

Still nothing. On a hunch, Jim reaches down for the handle, and sure enough it’s locked.

Spock isn’t here. 

If it were anyone else, Jim would think nothing of it. Instructors take days off all the time- hell, he took a day off a couple weeks ago when David had a small cold.

But this is Spock. They’re nearly halfway through the semester and Spock hasn’t missed a single day before. 

And more than that, Spock is his friend, and Saavik is David’s. 

So, he walks back over to his office, pulling his comm out of his pocket and navigating over to his message chain with Spock.

Jim: Hey, saw you’re not in your office. Everything okay?

Spock replies a few minutes later. Jim’s stomach sinks upon reading his message.

Spock: Saavik is ill. She had an allergic reaction to the mustard she consumed yesterday.

“Shit,” he murmurs under his breath as he types.

Jim: Is she alright?

Spock: She is recovering, but I believe she will be well enough to return to school tomorrow.

Jim’s shoulders untense, and he sighs softly.

Jim: Glad to hear it. And how are you?

Spock doesn’t reply quite as quickly this time.

Spock: I have not had an allergic reaction, nor any other adverse medical event.

Jim: No, but I have firsthand experience with discovering your child has a food allergy. It can be pretty alarming. I just want to make sure you’re alright too.

Again, a pause. 

Then, three message dots appear for a short while. Jim sits down at his desk, expecting that this will be a long conversation.

Then, suddenly, the dots disappear. Seconds later, a short, somewhat bland message arrives.

Spock: I appreciate your concern, but I am fine. 

Jim frowns.

Jim: You sure? 

Spock: Yes.

Jim thins his lips for a moment, then sighs.

Jim: Well, alright, if you say so. But I’m here if you need to talk, alright?

Again, three dots appear, then disappear before a short message arrives.

Spock: Thank you.

Jim’s heart flutters in his chest, lips spreading into what he knows is an extremely silly grin.

“Who’s got you looking at your comm like that?”

Jim lets out a shout, fumbling with his comm so badly that it slips out of his hands. He barely manages to catch it before it hits the ground, letting out a sigh of relief before turning in his chair to look at whoever snuck up on him.

“Has anyone ever told you that you startle easily?” Gaila asks.

“No, I think it’s just you,” Jim grouses. 

Gaila shrugs, then smirks, leaning against the wall and crossing her arms.

“So, you wanna tell me who you’re messaging?”

“How do you know I’m messaging someone? I could just be looking at pictures of David to find ones to send to Carol or my parents,” Jim points out.

“Because you don’t grin so goofily when you’re looking at pictures of David,” she replies. “Now, spill.”

Jim grimaces, then sighs.

“Well, before you so rudely interrupted me, I was messaging Spock because I noticed that he wasn’t here today, and I wanted to make sure he’s alright.”

“And?”

“Saavik’s sick, unfortunately.”

“Aw, poor kid, that’s no fun.”

“Yeah, but Spock thinks she’ll be well enough to come back tomorrow.”

“Good to hear. I’d hate to see what you’re like with more than two days of no Spock.”

Jim furrows his brow.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Gaila holds up her hands.

“It’s not a bad thing, it’s just… you’re a lot happier when you’ve been able to spend time with him, you know? I think he’s good for you.”

Heat blooms in Jim’s cheeks, and he clears his throat, glancing away.

“Well, he’s- we’re friends. I enjoy spending time with him. Same way I enjoy spending time with you, when you’re not being annoying.”

“Aw, thanks,” Gaila tells him. “But I don’t really think it’s the same thing.”

Jim frowns, tilting his head a bit.

“How is it not the same thing?”

“Well, the way you look when you’re talking about him is a lot different than how you look when you’re talking about Bones or Nyota or me.” Gaila pauses. “At least, I hope it is, cause while I don’t know about Bones or Ny the whole kids thing is a little bit of a dealbreaker for me.”

Jim blinks.

“What?”

“Well, no offense, you know I love David to death, but I’m not made for the whole ‘stepmom’ thing-!”

“Gaila, I think I’ve lost track of this conversation.”

Gaila snorts.

“Oh, come on, Jim. You like him.”

Again, Jim’s face floods with heat.

“I… I mean, that’s…” 

After a moment, he sighs.

“I can’t hide anything from you, can I?”

“No, and honestly I’m a little insulted that you keep trying.” Gaila stands up, then walks over to Jim’s desk and sits down in the seat across from him. “So, when are you gonna ask him out?”

“I’m not going to ask him out, Gaila. Not anytime soon, at least.”

“And why not?”

“Well, for one thing, I’m not even actually divorced yet.”

Gaila scoffs.

“Okay, so when Carol comes back next month you’ll do it?”

“No, I won’t.” Jim sighs. “Look, I… I do really like him, but it’s- well, our kids are best friends. What if it doesn’t work out?”

“Then you handle it like adults and put any awkward or unpleasant feelings aside for your kids’ sake? Besides, you can’t know if it’ll work out or not unless you give it a shot. Wouldn’t it be worse not knowing?”

Jim grimaces, shaking his head.

“Look, even if that’s true, I don’t think Spock is interested. Nothing he’s said or done has given me any indication that he’d like to be anything other than friends.”

Gaila clicks her tongue, leaning forward.

“Has it occurred to you that maybe he’s flirting with you in ways less obvious to a Human? You don’t know how Vulcans flirt.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Do you?”

Gaila thins her lips, looking away.

“Well… no, but it might be something worth looking into?”

“Yes, because that’s not weird at all.” Jim leans back in his chair. “Gaila, I appreciate the concern, but really, I’m okay if nothing romantic happens between Spock and I. I’m not sure I should be dating at all, anyway.”

Gaila frowns, but nods.

“Alright… but you should know, during the whole Gary thing-!”

“Gaila,” he says sternly.

“I know, I know, not talking about him, just- when I talked to Spock about it, he seemed a little… jealous?”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“Jealous? Spock?”

“Mm-hm. Not in a dangerous way or anything, but y’know.” Gaila stands up, putting her hands in her pockets. “Something to think about.”

She leaves before Jim can say another word.

---

Jim resists the urge to sigh as he scrolls through his lesson plans, occasionally glancing up every few minutes to make sure that the class hasn’t erupted into silent chaos.

Sim days are always a little boring for Jim. At this level, his job is basically just to make sure nothing catches on fire; the cadets don’t need much help from him when it comes to these things. 

Normally, Jim would get some grading done, but given that David conked out relatively early yesterday he managed to get through it well before he normally would. At the time, it seemed like a great idea, but now he’s been left with nothing to do but to review lesson plans. 

Given that midterms are coming up, there’s not that much to review.

He glances over at his comm, picking it up and turning it on. His message chain with Spock appears, and he pauses as an idea comes to him.

Jim: How do you feel about soup?

A moment later, a reply from Spock appears.

Spock: In the general sense, or are you asking about a specific type of soup?

Jim grins a little as he types.

Jim: Whenever I was sick as a kid, my mom would make me soup to help me feel better. It’s a good way to get nutrients into your system while not putting too much strain on the stomach. I was thinking that I could make some soup for you and Saavik to eat for dinner. That way, she’ll get something easy to eat and you don’t have to worry about it.

A few minutes pass without a response. Jim frowns and begins typing another message.

Jim: No pressure, obviously. If you don’t feel up to it, I’ll

“Commander Kirk? I’ve run into a problem with the simulation.”

Jim looks up to see that one of his students has their hand raised. He nods, slipping his comm into his pocket as he walks over to their terminal.

“What seems to be the issue, Cadet Lyria?”

“I’ve been adjusting the parameters according to the instructions, but whenever I adjust the angle on this thruster…”

They press play, and the ship immediately explodes, the failure message appearing onscreen seconds later.

“That happens.”

Jim hums.

“That is strange. Did you toggle anything outside of the parameters on the instructions before running this part of the assignment?”

“No, sir.”

“Hm…” Jim gestures at the student’s chair. “May I take a look?”

Lyria nods, getting out of their chair and allowing Jim to sit down. He pokes around at the program, tinkering with the parameters, but even after a full reset the problem persists.

Jim resists the urge to grimace.

“Well-!”

Jim’s comm buzzes in his pocket, and without thinking he pulls it out to look at the new message.

Spock: If it would not be an undue burden on you, then I would appreciate that.

Jim’s lips spread in an ear-to-ear grin. He starts to type a response, only to be interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

“Er, Commander Kirk?”

Jim’s face reddens as he remembers where he is. He clears his throat, slipping his comm back into his pocket and getting out of the chair.

“It looks like your program has a bug, cadet. Seeing as you had all but the last two questions finished, I’ll give you credit for them so long as you look up the battle this simulation was based on later.”

“Oh! Um, thank you, sir!”

Jim nods, then turns to head back to his desk. Just as he does, he catches sight of another pair of cadets talking quietly, with one of them pointing at the tip of their ear.

He frowns.

“Something you’d like to share with the class?”

The pair startle.

“N-No, sir!” The one that pointed to their ear says quickly before turning back to their terminal.

Jim purses his lips, then shrugs, heading back to his desk and sitting down.

He has some work to do nailing down the right ingredients for this soup, after all.

---

“Daddy!” 

Jim grins as he approaches the daycare center entrance, kneeling down to catch David when he comes running towards him. He hugs him, then lets him go.

“Hey, kiddo! Did you have fun today?”

“Uh-uh,” David mumbles, sounding rather put-out. “Saavik wasn’t here today, so I couldn’t play with her.”

“Yeah, I saw that Dr. Spock wasn’t here either.”

“Did they disappear?” David asks, brows knit together.

Jim laughs, ruffling his hair.

“No, honey. I messaged Dr. Spock, and he told me that Saavik is sick today.”

David’s frown deepens.

“That’s not fair.”

Jim blinks.

“How so?”

“Saavik’s fun and good. She shouldn’t get sick. Not fair.”

Jim blinks again, then smiles.

“Ah, I see. Yeah, it’s no fun when the people we care about are sick. But you know, everyone gets sick sometimes. It doesn’t mean they’re bad, it just means they’re a person. Do you understand?”

“Okay, Daddy,” David replies with a nod. 

“Good.” Jim stands up, holding out his hand for David to take, which he does. “Now, let’s get going. I’ve got some soup to make.”

“Are we having soup for dinner?”

“N- well, yes, but it’s not just for us. We’re making soup for Dr. Spock and Saavik.”

David lights up as they start walking.

“Chicken noodle?” He asks, hope evident in his voice.

“No, honey, Spock and Saavik are vegetarians, remember? They can’t have any meat.”

“Oh yeah. Then what are we gonna make for them?”

“Tofu noodle soup. I’m gonna use vegetable broth instead of chicken.”

David purses his lips, clearly not fully on board with the idea of a substitution.

“It’ll be great, you’ll see!”

“Okaaaaay,” David drawls. “Can we get saltines too?”

“If you’re good,” Jim replies as they head towards the car. “Now, let’s get going, yeah?”

“Okay, Daddy!”

---

“Remember what we talked about,” Jim says as they approach Spock’s apartment.

“Be calm and nice cause Saavik’s sick and probably can’t play right now,” David repeats dutifully just as they stop in front of the door.

“Attaboy,” Jim tells him, shifting the tub of soup under his arm before reaching up to knock.

The first thing he notices is that Spock, rather than his typical turtlenecks or sweaters over a button-up with black slacks, is wearing a black v-neck t-shirt under a grey robe with what appear to be pajama pants.

A rather… deep black v-neck t-shirt.

If Jim’s brain briefly stops functioning upon his first glimpse of Spock’s collarbone (not to mention the hint of chest hair peeking out over the collar), then… well, he’s never going to tell anyone. He’d like to keep some of his dignity.

The next thing he notices is that Spock looks exhausted, almost outright ill. His face is slightly paler than usual, he’s got bags under his eyes, and his normally perfectly straight hair is slightly mussed.

Admittedly, the last one might be cute on its own, but with everything else it has Jim wrinkling his brow.

“Jim?”

Jim blinks, eyes flicking up to Spock’s face. 

Somehow, he looks mildly amused, mildly irritated, and almost emotionless all at the same time.

“I recognize that I am not as put-together as I normally would be, but I did not think I looked that different.”

Jim’s cheeks heat slightly, and he clears his throat, glancing away.

“My apologies, I just- well, I’ve never seen you in loungewear before.”

Spock lifts one eyebrow.

“We have previously met only in circumstances where such attire would be considered inappropriate to wear,” he points out. 

“Er, yes, but- I’m still a little surprised, I suppose. It makes sense, I’ve just never really thought about it before.”

Spock tilts his head slightly in that way Jim’s come to recognize as roughly equivalent to a shrug.

“I suppose I can see that.” His eyes flicker down to Jim’s hands. “I assume that is the soup in the container you’re carrying.”

“Hm? Oh, yes,” Jim holds up the container in question, “can’t exactly do the traditional chicken, so I substituted tofu for the chicken and vegetable brother for the chicken broth.”

“I appreciate that,” Spock replies, holding out his hands to take the container. 

Their fingers brush as Spock takes the tub from him; the tips of his ears go green, his shoulders stiffening slightly.

Just like they did at David and Saavik’s first playdate, Jim suddenly recalls. He frowns, opening his mouth to ask, but movement in the corner of his vision stops him mid-sentence. He looks down, and sure enough, wrapped in a blanket several times her size, is Saavik, huddled partially behind Spock’s leg. Her face is a few shades paler than usual, lips set in a tight line, and there’s an air of tiredness there that’s a little strange to see on someone who won’t be three for several more weeks.

Jim smiles, kneeling down to her eye level.

“Hey, kiddo,” he says softly. “You feeling alright?”

Saavik shakes her head, clutching at the leg of Spock’s sweatpants.

“Yeah, I bet. Well, hey, David and I brought over some soup, that should help you feel better in no time!”

Saavik perks up a bit, looking around.

“Hi, Saavik!” David says, waving. 

Despite her low energy, Saavik smiles, waving at him before tugging to look up at Spock. She tugs on his pants leg insistently, and Spock frowns.

“I do not think you are well enough to receive visitors, Saavik.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise, but before he can say anything David starts tugging at his uniform pants.

“Daddy, can we visit, can we pleeeaaaaaaaasssseeeeeee?”

“Buddy, we talked about this,” Jim chides gently. 

“But Saavik wants to!” David points out. 

Saavik lets out a whine, and Spock purses his lips tightly before letting out a sigh.

“A… brief visit will be fine.”

David and Saavik both cheer as Jim shoots Spock an apologetic smile. Spock simply turns and goes inside.

Jim resists the urge to sigh as he looks down at David.

“Let’s keep it lowkey, okay, kiddo? Maybe just… read a book, or something.”

“I dunno how to read, though,” David replies. “Saavik can, but she doesn’t talk so she can’t read me a story like you do.”

Jim looks up at Saavik, eyebrows raised.

“You can read?”

Saavik nods. 

“Huh. Well, just… look at the pictures together, then.”

“Okay!” David says, walking inside with Saavik. 

“And take off your shoes!” Jim reminds him as he walks into Spock’s apartment after them.

Layout-wise, Spock’s apartment is pretty similar to Jim’s- the kitchen/dining room is on the left when you first walk in, the living room is next to it, and the bedrooms and bathroom are down the hall. The decoration style is a little different- Spock seems to prefer more modern Vulcan styles to Jim’s more traditional Americana style, but Jim thinks it’s nice. 

He slips off his shoes, putting them next to David’s, then walks further inside, stopping when he sees Spock closing the fridge.

“Not hungry yet?” He asks.

If he didn’t know better, he’d think Spock jumps, something almost like nervousness in his eyes as he turns around.

“No, I was looking to see if we had anything to drink in the refrigerator. We do not, unfortunately.”

“Oh, that’s alright, we’ll just have water.”

Spock nods, moving to get glasses and bowls from the cabinet; Jim notes that, unusually, none of Saavik’s artwork is pinned to the fridge door.

He’s torn away from that realization by something crashing to the ground. He turns to see Spock kneeling in front of a broken glass, rooting around under the sink. The glass itself is mostly intact, and he can’t see any small shards, but he stays where he is just in case.

“You alright?” He asks.

“I lost my grip on the glass and it fell,” Spock explains as he pulls out a dustpan and hand broom. “Please do not step forward, I would not want you to become injured.”

Jim nods, then, for whatever reason, finds himself staring at Spock’s hands as he works. 

They’re… very nice hands, he has to admit. Long, elegant fingers, like a piano-players. 

They’re also trembling slightly.

Jim frowns.

“Are you okay, Spock?”

Spock’s shoulders tense slightly, even as his face shows no change at all as he throws away the pieces.

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, you just seem… off.”

Spock’s jaw twitches slightly.

“I am slightly fatigued, but otherwise I am well. There is no need to be concerned.”

Jim hums, leaning back on the counter.

“You know it would be alright if you weren’t, right?”

Spock blinks, frowning.

“Clarify.”

“Just- what happened to Saavik. It would be perfectly understandable if it took a bit of a toll on you.”

Spock clenches his jaw, closing his eyes.

“As I have said several times now, I am fine.”

Jim holds up his hands in surrender.

“I get it, I just… when it happened to David, I wasn’t all that fine, so I figured I’d at least offer a listening ear.”

Spock opens his eyes, furrowing his brow slightly.

“David?”

“Yeah, David’s allergic to tree nuts.” Jim frowns. “I didn’t tell you that?”

“You may have, but at the moment I am... not at my best.”

“Oh, well, uh, he- he is.” Jim sighs. “It was a couple weeks after his second birthday. A friend at daycare shared some bread with hazelnut spread on it, and he ended up in the hospital.”

Jim leaves out what happened after. The slow death of his marriage isn’t something he really feels like getting into right now.

“Anyway, all I’m saying is that I understand what you’re going through. And if you need to talk, I’m here.”

Spock is quiet for a long moment, lips pursed and eyes trained on the wall.

“... it has been… a very taxing eighteen point two three hours,” he admits quietly.

Jim gets the feeling that he’s not going to say anything else, and he sighs.

“Look, why don’t you go sit down?”

Spock blinks, furrowing his brow.

“I can hardly serve dinner while sitting in the living room, Jim.”

“I’ll take care of that. You just take a minute to relax, yeah?”

“You are a guest in my home, I could not ask you to do that.”

“You’re not. I’m offering.”

Spock’s brow furrows as he blinks.

“I… do not understand. Why would you do that?”

Jim blinks, tilting his head slightly.

“Well, because you’re my friend, and honestly, Spock? You look like you need a break.”

Spock sets his jaw, clenching and unclenching his fists as a war of micro-emotions that Jim can barely keep up with erupts on his face. 

“... it would be no trouble to you?” He asks after a moment, voice only barely audible.

Something in Jim’s chest tightens a little, but he manages not to show it as he nods.

“Happy to help, Spock,” he reminds him.

Spock takes a breath, closes his eyes, and then nods. 

Jim smiles, then watches as Spock walks over to the living room, sitting down in the chair perpendicular from the couch. 

His smile falls as he starts looking for bowls.

How long has it been, he wonders, since someone did something nice for Spock? Something as small as offering to serve up dinner shouldn’t be a big deal, and yet Spock seemed so conflicted about letting him.

From what he’s seen, Spock is a wonderful father. Attentive, gentle, firm when necessary, and he clearly loves Saavik with his whole heart, even if he might not say it aloud. 

He takes good care of her.

Who, though, takes care of Spock?

How long has it been since anyone did?

“Careful, it’s hot,” Jim warns as he sets Saavik’s bowl on the holovision tray in front of her. Saavik nods, picking up her spoon and scooping up a bit of the broth.

“You gotta blow on it a little or it’ll be too hot,” David informs her.

Saavik nods again, then blows so hard that the liquid sloshes right back into the bowl. She stares at her spoon, clearly baffled by this turn of events.

Jim bites the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.

“Not- not so hard,” he explains once he’s sure he won’t laugh. “Try it like this.”

Jim demonstrates blowing a tiny puff of air through his lips, and Saavik nods before trying again. This time, the broth doesn’t fall out, and she manages to take a bite. Her eyes light up, and Jim grins.

“Good?”

She nods, happily blowing on another spoonful before taking a bite.

“It is quite good,” Spock comments. “Have you made this before?”

“Not this exact variant,” Jim explains. “I just looked around on the holonet about how to best implement the substitutions. Wanted to make sure I got it right for you two.”

Spock falters a bit, but whatever he’s thinking he doesn’t say aloud, instead taking another bite of his soup.

The tips of his ears are green.

“Daddy, can we have soup?”

“Ours is at home, remember?” Jim gets up. “Speaking of which, we’d better get out of your hair.”

Spock quirks an eyebrow as David groans.

“An Earth saying, Commander Kirk?”

“Dr. Spock, I’m certain you already know that one.”

The corner of Spock’s lips lifts upwards.

“Perhaps.”

Jim chuckles, then helps David off the couch.

“Say goodbye to Saavik and Dr. Spock, kiddo.”

“Bye-bye, Saavik. Bye-bye Mister Dr. Spock,” David says more than a little sullenly.

“Goodbye David,” Spock replies. “We will see you tomorrow.”

That seems to cheer David up a bit as he runs off to get his coat.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jim says with a smile as he starts walking toward the door.

“Jim?”

Jim pauses, turning around to look at Spock.

“Yes?”

“... Thank you,” Spock says quietly.

Jim blinks, then smiles.

“Anytime, Spock.”

Notes:

spock the entire time jim is interacting with saavik: shit he might be perfect

thank you all for 300+ kudos! comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 16: i know that i'll be happier (and i know you will too)

“Do you see her yet?”

“No, not yet. Don’t pull on my hand, okay?”

David huffs, pouting a little.

“I wanna see Mommy,” he complains.

“I know, honey, but her shuttle gets here when it gets here, and not a moment sooner.”

“I thought shuttles were supposed to be fast.”

Jim shrugs. 

“Compared to any planet-bound vehicle they are. But they have to follow rules and regulations just like everyone else.”

David groans, and Jim resists the urge to chuckle as he reads the arrivals board.

“Should be any minute now-!” As if on cue, Carol’s shuttle number appears on the board. “Hey, look at that, her shuttle just arrived!”

“She’s here?!” David exclaims.

“Well, she’s- her shuttle is here, but it’s gonna take a minute for her to get off. There’s a whole process-!”

David groans even louder.

“I don’t like shuttles anymore,” he tells Jim.

Jim laughs softly.

“Yeah, me neither, buddy,” he tells them as they move to stand closer to the gate. The sight of the shuttles out the window turn his stomach a bit; he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes.

He’s not getting on one. 

He’s staying right here, on the ground.

Forever.

God, but he hates that the only thing that grounds him is something that hurts so badly.

“MOMMY!”

Jim perks up even as his stomach drops, eyes searching the crowd. Sure enough, Carol’s come out of the terminal, breaking into a run when she sees them. David takes off to run to her before Jim can stop him; thankfully, it’s only a few meters before he’s in Carol’s arms.

He smiles softly, walking over slowly so as to give them a little time.

“... I’ve missed you so much, my darling, so, so much,” he hears Carol says mostly into David’s hair. David says something that Jim doesn’t quite catch, but it makes Carol laugh a little.

Despite everything, he does still like hearing her laugh.

After a moment, Carol finally lets go, startling a bit when she looks up and sees Jim.

“Oh! Um, hi?”

“Hey. Uh, sorry, I- I didn’t want to interrupt the reunion.”

Carol smiles as she stands up, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I appreciate that. Though I am happy to see you, Jim.”

Jim smiles, internally marvelling at how he actually believes that.

If only because less than a year ago, he absolutely wouldn’t have.

“Mommy, what do you want for dinner?” David asks. “Daddy said that you get to pick cause you were gone for so long.”

Carol laughs softly.

“Not Italian. I’ve had so much spaghetti bolognese over the past six months that I think just the sight of it might make me sick.”

“No Italian, then,” Jim agrees. “How about that Chinese place you like?”

Carol smiles at him.

“That sounds wonderful.”

---

Hours later, when they’re back at Jim’s apartment and David’s finally conked out, Jim pulls out a bottle of whiskey he keeps in the back of his upper left cabinet and a pair of glasses. He puts them on the kitchen table just as Carol sits down and sets the PADD down in the middle of the table.

Jim sits down.

Neither speak.

Neither move. 

It’s quiet.

“You ready?” Jim asks after a long moment.

“I am,” Carol confirms. “Are you?”

Jim takes a breath, then nods.

Still, neither of them move.

Both of them know it’s for the best. Both of them want to sign.

But, Jim knows, neither wants to be the one who signs first.

“We can’t sign it at the same time, can we?” Jim asks, only half-joking.

“I’m not a lawyer, but I don’t think it’s legally binding if one of the signatures is upside down,” Carol replies before sighing. “This is silly, isn’t it?”

“A little,” he admits, “but I think it’s understandable, right? It’s an ending, after all.”

Carol smiles just a little sadly, then takes a deep breath, running her hand through her hair.

“Fuck it,” she suddenly says, grabbing the PADD and the stylus. Within the blink of an eye, she’s signed it, and Jim is staring at the document, one signature line and the date filled in.

He glances up at her, stomach churning. 

He still loves Carol, in a way. Not the way he did when they got married, but the way he did right after David was born, or when she comforted him after a nightmare about Tarsus. 

For some people, that may have been enough to stay together. Enough to be happy. 

But not for either of them. It’s not enough to offset the arguments, the hours spent stewing, the sheer exhaustion of trying to bridge an ever-widening gap.

So, with hands that are less shaky than he thought they’d be, Jim signs the document, writes the date, and sends off a copy to the court.

He breathes out.

“Well, that’s it then. It’s over.”

“Technically I think it takes a week or so for us to be declared legally single-!”

“Carol.”

“Right. Sorry.” She picks up the bottle. “Whiskey?”

“Yep.”

They don’t speak as Jim pours two glasses of whiskey, setting one down in front of Carol and another in front of his seat. Once he’s sat down, they tilt their glasses towards each other.

“To being divorced,” Jim says quietly.

“To being divorced,” Carol agrees.

They both drink. The whiskey burns as it goes down Jim’s throat, but it’s a good burn somehow.

For another moment, they don’t speak.

“If nothing else, I’m glad we’re not going to end up like your parents- sticking it out til David’s eighteen and hating each other all the while, I mean,” Jim muses. “I don’t think I’d handle being like your dad very well.”

Carol snorts as she takes a sip.

“Please, you’re barely an eighth the prick he is on your very worst days.”

Jim huffs out a laugh.

“I suppose so.” He pauses. “It occurs to me that I probably shouldn’t talk about an admiral that way.”

“Well, I’m the only witness, and it’s not like I’m ever going to tell him. That would require speaking to my father.”

Jim shrugs a bit, taking another drink. 

“So, what’s next for you now that this project is done?”

“I’ve got an offer from a lab near the Academy, actually.”

“Really? That’s convenient, then.”

“Mm, it’s nothing world-changing or anything, but it’s good work, and I do like that it’s close to David’s daycare…”

---

Around a glass in, they migrate over to the couch, laughing softly about nothing in particular. 

It’s nice, Jim thinks. It reminds him of when they first met, when things were easy and uncomplicated.

He wishes those times had lasted just a little longer than they did.

“I’m thinking of changing my name,” Carol says after their conversation about the slog of grading midterms tapers off.

“Kind of expected that,” Jim replies. “Back to Marcus, then?”

“I’m considering Wallace, actually.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

“Your mother’s maiden name?”

“The very one. Dr. Carol Wallace, what do you think?”

“I think it sounds great, but I have to admit, I’m a little surprised. I didn’t know you disliked Marcus.”

“Marcus is… fine, in and of itself, but…” Carol sighs. “I never told you this, but I was quite happy to change my name when we got married.”

“Really? Why’s that?”

Carol is quiet for a moment.

“I… to be honest, I was glad that I could further distance myself from my father. I’d thought about changing it before, but I never got the nerve to do it until it was just… a normal, expected thing to do.” Carol smiles a bit tiredly. “After all, I was your wife. It might not be as common as it once was, but many women still change their names when they get married. No questions asked.”

Jim hums, taking a sip of his whiskey.

“And now?”

“Well, now I haven’t spoken to him in so long that I couldn’t give two shits about what he thinks is proper. My name is my name, and I get to choose what it is.”

Jim nods, then hesitates for a second.

“If you… ever want to talk about him, I’m here,” he offers quietly.

Carol smiles softly.

“Thank you, Jim. But I know it’s not something you quite understand- that’s more something your brother and I have in common.”

“Always was a little surprised you and Sam weren’t better friends.”

“We might have been if he weren’t so annoying.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“Well, even if I don’t understand from firsthand experience, I’m more than willing to listen.”

“I appreciate that.” Carol then takes a long drink of whiskey. “Now, enough of that, tell me about… hmm…”

After a moment, she grins.

“Tell me about that single dad you’ve obviously got a crush on.”

Jim chokes on his whiskey. 

“Wh- you- who are you talking about?”

“Oh, come on, you know- that little girl’s David’s friends with, her dad.”

Jim blinks.

“Spock?”

“Yes, him!” 

Jim rolls his eyes.

“Carol.”

“Come off it, Jim. Tell me about him.”

Jim huffs, leaning back.

“He’s… nice.”

Carol raises an eyebrow.

“Nice?”

“Yeah, nice. Encouraging, supportive,” he snorts, “a lot funnier than I would have expected. And he’s smart, of course, but he’s really well-read and great at chess- he’s beaten me a few times, actually.”

“Really?” Carol asks, both eyebrows raised now.

“Yeah, it took him a couple tries, but he figured me out eventually.” Jim smiles. “He’s great with kids too. Obviously he’s got Saavik, but David adores him. He’s been teaching us sign so that we can better communicate with Saavik, and he’s really patient with David.”

He shrugs.

“And me, admittedly.”

Carol hums, sipping her whiskey thoughtfully.

“You really like him, don’t you?”

Jim smiles.

“Yeah,” he says, unembarrassed. “I really do.”

“Well, there’s one thing you’ve left out,” she says.

“And what’s that?”

“Is he hot?”

Jim barks out a surprised laugh, leaning his head back on the couch. 

“ So goddamn hot,” he admits- maybe the whiskey’s going to his head, but it feels good to be honest about it. “Just a few weeks ago I saw him in a deep v-neck and my brain almost stopped working.”

“Chest hair?”

“I could only see a little bit, but yeah.” He takes another sip of whiskey, then frowns. “You know, most people wouldn’t be so comfortable knowing so much about their ex-husband’s taste in men, let alone talking about it.”

Carol shrugs.

“When we were married, I was secure in the knowledge that you wouldn’t so much as flirt with someone else, let alone step out on me- that’s not the kind of person you are. Now we’re not married, so you’re free to do as you please.” She pauses. “Within reason, of course. We do have a toddler.”

Jim snorts.

“David would probably be over the moon if Spock and I started dating.”

“All the more reason to ask, then, isn’t it?”

Jim grimaces, leaning his head back against the couch and sighing.

“I don’t know, Carol, I- well, what if it doesn’t work out? I’d hate to lose him as a friend, sure, but the thing I’d hate most is if it affected David and Saavik’s friendship.”

“You’ve navigated a divorce with mostly flying colors. An awkward breakup is nothing in comparison.” Carol shifts a bit. “Worst comes to worst, I’ll take point on playdates.”

Jim looks over at her, surprised.

“You’d do that?”

Carol narrows her eyes.

“I do want our son to have friends, Jim.”

Jim holds up his free hand.

“I know that, that’s not what I meant. I meant that you’d do that for me, so I could get out of an awkward situation?”

Carol softens a bit.

“Of course, Jim. We’re still friends, aren’t we?”

Jim smiles. 

“Yeah. We are.”

They don’t talk for a moment after that, instead drinking their whiskey in a comfortable silence Jim will never take for granted again.

“I’m happy for you,” Carol tells him. “Finding someone, I mean. And I don’t think you’re going to crash and burn as you seem to think you will.”

“You’ve never even met him, let alone seen us interact,” Jim reminds her placidly.

“No, I haven’t. But I know you, Jim. You’re loving, and supportive, and someday you’re going to make someone very happy.”

Not me goes unspoken.

“If you don’t stop complimenting me like that, I’m gonna get a big head,” Jim replies instead.

“I think it might be too late for that,” she deadpans.

“Hey!” He retorts in mock-offense.

She laughs.

“Well it’s true, isn’t it?”

“I’ll have you know my head is inflated quite admirably in relation to my abilities.”

“If you say so,” Carol murmurs as she takes another drink, clearly trying to hide another laugh.

“You too, you know,” he tells her.

“Mm?”

“You’re going to make someone really happy too someday.”

Not me, once again, goes unsaid.

To his surprise, Carol frowns, leaning back a bit.

“I’m not sure about that, actually.”

“Don’t be modest, you’re a catch!”

Carol snorts, giving him a look.

“I’m well aware. But I don’t see myself getting married again.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“No?”

“Probably not. There were nice things about being married, but I think I prefer having my own space, being able to define my own schedule, and life, all those things.” She pauses. “Inasmuch as I can have those things with a child, at any rate.”

Carol looks over at him.

“You, though, I see you getting married again someday.” She leans over, poking him right in the chest. “Cause you’ve got a lot of love in your heart, you know? You want to love someone with everything you have. You want to- to take care of someone, make their days brighter and all that. You get what I mean?”

“I get that you’re just about on the wrong side of tipsy,” Jim replies.

Carol shrugs.

“You did give me whiskey.”

“Yeah, that is kinda on me,” Jim agrees. “At least it wasn’t tequila.”

Carol shudders, then takes a long sip of her whiskey.

“Alright, that’s enough. Get this thing away from me.”

Jim obliges, then stands up a little too quickly, stumbling a little at the brief dizziness.

“Think it might be hitting me too, now,” he jokes.

“At least I’ve been off on a project with no alcohol in sight for six months, what’s your excuse?”

“David’s loud enough in the morning as it is, I don’t need to add a hangover to that,” he replies as he walks over to the kitchen. 

“Fair enough.” He hears her grunt as she gets to her feet. “You sure I’m not putting you out by taking the bed?”

“I’m not so old that sleeping on the couch will be murder on my back just yet,” he replies as he pours out the last bits of whiskey in their glasses. “Besides, we told David that was where you’d be, and he’s all but guaranteed to want to cuddle with you if he wakes up in the middle of the night.”

Carol shrugs, conceding the point, then furrows her brow.

“I feel like I was going to talk to you about something.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Do you feel like playing a guessing game to figure out what it was, or would you rather leave it for the morning.”

“Mmm… I’ll leave it for the morning.” She smiles at him. “Good night, Jim.”

Jim smiles back.

“Goodnight, Carol.”

---

Jim wakes up with a crick in his neck. He groans, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck.

“Looks like that’s something I’m not gonna be able to do much longer,” he mutters before swinging his feet around to the front of the couch. He stretches, then stands up, yawning as he walks over to David’s room.

David’s bed is empty.

For a second, Jim feels all the blood drain from his face, his heartrate skyrocketing as he stares at the unmade bed.

Then he remembers, his shoulders dropping as he exhales. 

Jim turns towards his own bedroom, slowly opening the door. Sure enough, David is curled up in Carol’s arms, both sound asleep. The only sound in the room is them both breathing steadily, dawn peeking in through the blinds.

Jim smiles, then turns and walks back down the hallway. He heads for the kitchen, digging out a mixing bowl from the cabinets and grabbing a whisk from the designated cooking utensil drawer. 

“Let’s see now,” he murmurs as he starts walking around the kitchen, “flour, sugar, baking powder, milk…”

Some minutes later, Jim’s standing in front of the stove, carefully pulling up pancakes to make sure they’re just the right shade of golden brown before flipping them.

“Daddy?”

Jim looks over, smiling at David.

“Hey, sweetheart. You sleep well?”

David nods, rubbing at his eyes.

“Mommy was in your bed.”

“Yup. We told you she would be, remember? So you could sleep next to her if you needed to.”

“Oh.” David walks over to the table, getting onto a chair with some difficulty. “Are you making pancakes?”

“Mm-hm. It’s your nana’s recipe,” Jim tells him as he turns back to the stovetop, flipping a pancake.

“The one that was her nana’s recipe first?”

“And her granddad’s before her.”

David hums.

“It’s not my birthday.”

“Indeed it isn’t.”

“And it’s not your birthday.”

“Nope.”

“And it’s not Mommy’s birthday either.”

“Not that either.”

“And Saavik’s birthday isn’t until next week.”

“No it-!” Jim pauses, glancing back at David. “Why would I make Saavik birthday pancakes?”

“Cause it’s her birthday! You always make Nana pancakes on birthdays.”

“Well, yes, but Saavik doesn’t live here. She wouldn’t get to eat any of the pancakes.”

“Oh yeah.” David thinks on this for a minute. “Daddy, can we bring Saavik pancakes on her birthday?”

“Uh… I mean, I’d have to ask Dr. Spock first.”

“Okay!” He pauses. “Is it Mister Dr. Spock’s birthday?”

“It’s not-!” Jim pauses. “Well, I guess it could be his birthday, I don’t actually know.”

“You should ask him! Then we can throw him a birthday party!”

Jim chuckles as he places a finished pancake onto a plate.

“I don’t know about that, but I will ask him the next time I see him,” he promises.

“Okay! But, Daddy?”

“Mmhm?”

“If it’s not me or your or Mommy or Saavik or Mister Dr. Spock’s birthday, whose birthday is it?”

“It’s no one we knows’ birthday, David.”

“Then why are you making pancakes?”

Jim shrugs. 

“Just felt like it.”

“You can do that?”

“When you’re grown up you can.”

“Well I’m gonna make pancakes all the time when I grow up, then!”

“You do that,” Jim tells him as he puts the last pancake on the plate. “You want strawberries or blueberries with this?”

“Both!” David chirps. “And syrup!”

“Coming right up.”

Once David’s situated with his breakfast, Jim gets to work on the coffee. Sure enough, once it’s brewing Carol makes an appearance, yawning and rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

David always did take after her in the morning.

“Hey there,” Jim greets her. “I made pancakes, and coffee’s on the way.”

Carol furrows her brow.

“It’s not any of our birthdays.” She tilts her head. “Is it a holiday I’ve somehow never heard of?”

“Can’t a man just make his son and ex-wife pancakes if he feels like it?” Jim asks as he grabs two coffee mugs. “Little bit of cream, two sugars?”

“Yes, thank you,” she says as she sits down next to David. “There’s really nothing going on?”

“Nope. Just pancakes for the sake of pancakes.” Jim looks over at her, half a smile on his face. “Is it really that suspicious?”

“Well, no, just… it’s been a while since you’ve made these for anything but birthdays or holidays,” Carol replies as she takes a few pancakes from the stack in the middle of the table.

Jim’s half-smile becomes whole as he carries the two mugs over to the table. 

“Maybe that’s the reason, then,” he tells her as he sets her coffee in front of her.

Carol smiles back, then takes a sip of her coffee before digging into breakfast.

It’s quiet- peaceful, in that way only a laid-back Sunday morning really can be. 

If it’s the last time all three of them spend a Sunday morning together, then Jim’s content with that.

Of course, it can’t last.

“I want to meet Spock.”

Jim chokes on his pancake, spluttering and coughing to try and clear his throat. David reaches over, gently patting him on the back.

“I’m- I’m sorry, what?”

“I want to meet Spock,” Carol repeats. “That’s what I wanted to talk about last night.”

“I… I see.” Jim swallows. “May I ask why?”

Carol raises an eyebrow.

“Why do I want to meet the father of one of my child’s best friends? I would think that would be obvious.”

“No, uh- that, that makes sense now that you say it.” Jim clears his throat. “Well, I- I’ll talk to him, see if he’s got the time to spare.”

Carol smiles at him.

“Thank you, Jim, that would be very helpful.”

Jim nods, then quietly turns back to his pancakes.

It makes sense that Carol would want to meet Spock. He’s Saavik’s dad, so he’s someone that David is around fairly often. It’s not like Carol doesn’t know the parents of David’s other friends.

It’s all perfectly fine.

So why is Jim’s stomach twisting like this?

Notes:

someday saavik will get to eat those birthday pancakes fresh off the griddle

thank you for reading! comments are always appreciated!

(chapter title from "eventually" by tame impala)

Chapter 17: getting along

Spock looks up when he hears a knock at his door, heart thumping upon seeing Jim in the doorway.

“Hey, Spock. Got a minute?”

“I was about to eat lunch, so yes.”

“Great.” Jim walks over to his desk, sitting down in the seat across from him. “Working on finals stuff?”

“Yes. Additionally, I have been confirming certain details of Saavik’s birthday party with the aquarium, though that has been less time-consuming.”

Jim smiles.

“I bet she’s excited, what with the whale phase she’s been going through.”

“Indeed, she has brought it up in nearly every conversation we’ve had since I asked her what she would like to do for her party.” He resists the urge to sigh. “I suppose that I brought this upon myself when I allowed her to watch part of that nature documentary with me.”

“Don’t worry, she’ll grow out of it.” Jim pauses. “Or… maybe not. David still likes reading books about cowboys more than a year after he snuck out of his room and caught part of Smokey and the Bandit.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“‘Smokey and the Bandit,’ Jim?”

“An old western movie from the twentieth century. Hasn’t aged all that well, but it’s something of a guilty pleasure for me.”

“I see.” Spock clears his throat. “How was your weekend?”

“Oh, uh, good.” Jim shifts a bit. “That’s actually part of what I wanted to talk to you about. You remember that Carol came back from her assignment, right?”

“I do. Did that go well?”

“Yeah, uh, it- it went really well, actually.” He shifts again. “Actually, we… we, uh, signed our divorce papers the night she came back.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise before he can stop himself, though he is able to school his face into a neutral expression almost immediately.

“I see.” He clears his throat again. “How do you… feel, about that?”

Jim huffs out a small laugh, though not an unkind one.

“A lot less torn than I thought I would, honestly. We were basically living as roommates for the last year before we separated, but it’s- well, it’s difficult to say goodbye to a relationship that long, you know?”

Spock does not know. What he had with T’Pring hardly qualified as a relationship, and his two-month relationship with Leila never deepened past surface level, despite all her (rather invasive) attempts.

“I understand your meaning,” he says instead. “I am gratified to hear that it was not an overly emotionally taxing event.”

Jim smiles, then clears his throat.

“Well, uh, sort of related to that- Carol asked me to tell you that she’d like to meet you.”

Spock blinks.

“Pardon?”

“Well, she- she likes to know all the parents of David’s friends,” Jim explains. There is an edge to his voice that Spock cannot quite understand. “You’re Saavik’s father, so she’d like to get to know you.”

“I see.” Spock tents his fingers. “I am afraid I will not be able to meet with her this week, between preparing for finals and Saavik’s party.”

“And next week is finals, so you’ll be busy grading,” Jim continues.

“Perhaps the week after?”

“No, that’s no good, either. We’ll be in Iowa by then.”

Spock pauses.

“We?”

“Yeah, we’re spending the holidays with my parents.”

“Including your ex-wife?”

Jim shrugs.

“My mom’s retiring from the ‘Fleet, and she really wants Carol to be there. My parents kind of adore her.”

A small pang of jealousy runs through Spock, but he pushes it down.

“I see. Perhaps in the new year, then, before classes start?”

Jim sighs.

“She probably won’t be thrilled about that, but I don’t see an alternative unless…”

He trails off, and Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Unless…?”

Jim clears his throat once more.

“Well, I- feel free to say no, but… maybe she could come to the party?”

Spock blinks, tilting his head slightly.

“You would prefer that she goes instead of you?”

Jim frowns.

“My thought was that we both would go, but if that’s not feasible then I suppose she can take my place.”

Spock thinks on this for a moment- or rather, he pretends to so as to not appear too obviously enamored with Jim. In reality, there is no decision to be made.

“It should be feasible for both of you to come. We are well within the limits provided by the aquarium. Additionally, another adult would be appreciated given the tour.”

Jim’s face lights up a bit.

“That’s great to hear. I think you two will get along, actually.”

The strange tone has returned, but Spock is more curious about the sentence itself.

“Why do you believe that?”

Jim shrugs.

“Just seems like you have similar interests. You’ve talked about papers on subjects I’ve heard Carol talk about, that kind of thing.”

Spock recalls Gaila saying something about highly intelligent people being a preference of Jim, quickly mentally swatting it away.

“Perhaps we will discuss such things when we meet.”

“Maybe so,” Jim replies as he gets out of his chair. “Anyway, I’ll let you get to your lunch.”

Part of Spock wants to stop him, to ask if he would like to eat lunch with him, but the thought of asking makes his gut twist, images of Jim realizing why he’s asking dancing through his head.

None of them are positive.

So insteads he nods.

“Have a pleasant rest of your day, Commander Kirk.”

Jim smiles at him.

“You too, Dr. Spock.”

He turns to go, then suddenly stops right in front of Spock’s door.

“Oh! Right, I wanted to ask something else.” 

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“And what is that?”

Jim clears his throat.

“So, there’s this pancake recipe that’s been passed down through my mom’s family. It’s from scratch, so it takes a little longer to make, which is why I usually only make it on birthdays.”

He smiles.

“But I decided to make some yesterday, and while David was questioning me on why, he mentioned that it wasn’t Saavik’s birthday, and then asked me if I could make them for her birthday.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise, heart thudding in his side. Before he can speak, however, Jim holds up his hands.

“Obviously it’s fine if you’d rather she not have that. Carol and I both made sure that David wouldn’t tell her today just in case, since I wouldn’t want to get her hopes up unnecessarily.”

If Jim does not stop speaking, Spock will… he is not actually sure what he will do, but he is certain that it will be quite embarrassing, and so he clears his throat.

“If it would not be an undue burden, then I see no reason as to why you cannot make them for her.”

Jim looks surprised for a moment, but quickly covers it up with a smile.

“Oh, well, that’s great, then! We’ll meet you at the entrance to the building on the day of. I can add some cut-up fruit if you’d like.”

“Saavik likes strawberries,” Spock tells him. “And bananas.”

“Perfect, already have those.” He smiles again. “I’ll get out of your hair, then.”

The urge to ask him to stay returns, and Spock smothers it once again, instead nodding as Jim leaves.

Once he is gone, he leans back in his chair, covering his face with his hands as heat rushes to his cheeks. His heart is still beating wildly, stomach fluttering, and he has the odd urge to laugh, or possibly scream.

He is starting to think this infatuation may just kill him. It would be one thing if Jim were simply handsome and intelligent, but he is also kind enough to offer to make a meal- a family recipe- for a child who is not even his, simply because it is her birthday.

Spock has never wanted to kiss someone so badly in his entire thirty-three years of life.

“Er… Dr. Spock?”

Spock startles, pulling his hands away from his face. He clears his throat, willing the excess bloodflow away from his face.

“Ah, Shror. I apologize, I was… lost in thought.”

“Oh, no, it’s- it’s fine, sir,” Shror replies before clearing his throat and holding out a data chip. “I finished putting together the study guide like you asked.”

“Thank you,” he replies as he takes the chip from him. “I hope your own classes are going well.”

“Oh, yes, they’re- they’re all fine.” Shror clears his throat again. “Ah… Dr. Spock?”

“Yes?”

Shror glances to the side, shifting a bit.

“Are… are you and Commander Kirk…”

He trails off, and Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Are Commander Kirk and I…?” He prompts.

“... actually, nevermind,” Shror says quietly, voice strangely tight. “I’ll- see you tomorrow.”

Before Spock can say anything, Shror all but flees the room, closing the door behind him.

Spock purses his lips, then turns to get his lunch, assuming that Shror is simply under stress with finals week approaching.

Though he must admit, he is somewhat curious what his question was going to be.

---

The party room at the aquarium is noisy. 

Spock had assumed it would be- a room full of ten children between the ages of three and four and their parents was never going to be tranquil.

However, he is glad that he took extra time to meditate, because otherwise the stress may have overwhelmed him- or at least shown on his face.

Saavik, at least, was cooperative this morning, which was unexpected given her excitement. She was very excited to wear her new outfit, a blue pinafore dress over a collared, long-sleeve white blouse. His mother had embroidered fish on the hem of the dress, and Saavik had been ecstatic upon seeing it, to the point that she had sat still and allowed him to tie a bow in her hair without complaint just for the promise of wearing it to the party. 

Currently, she is bunching up that dress in her hands, looking at the door nervously.

“They will be here soon,” Spock assures her. She looks up at him, mouth pinched in a frown, and he sends further reassurance through the bond, which seems to relax her slightly.

Spock wishes it would do the same for him. He would be being untruthful if he said the idea of meeting Carol did not… disquiet him somewhat.

He knows it is illogical. Jim has never indicated that she, as a person, is intolerable- from what he has gathered, the end of their marriage was as amicable as possible- but still he finds himself concerned about their meeting.

Perhaps it is simply that she clearly means something to Jim, and therefore Spock wishes to make a good impression. He has learned he is not the most adept at that.

A sudden burst of joy echoes through the parental bond. Spock raises an eyebrow, looking down at Saavik just in time for her to take off across the room. He opens his mouth to call for her, stopping when he sees that she’s running towards David.

A heartbeat later, his eyes land on Jim, stomach flipping involuntarily as he resists the urge to smile.

Spock then sees the woman walking next to Jim, and the urge is gone. 

Carol is around the same height as Jim, her blonde hair tied back and curling at the ends. Her demeanor is relaxed, a soft smile on her face as she and Jim stop behind David, who turns and points at her as he tells Saavik something. Through the bond, he feels curiosity and a hint of nervousness, the latter of which subsides somewhat when Carol crouches to Saavik’s eye level, a gentle smile on her face. Carol says something, and Saavik’s nervousness turns to pride as she shows off her dress.

It is then that Jim looks up, their eyes making contact. He smiles and puts a hand on Carol’s shoulder, likely to signal to her to stand up.

“Spock!” Jim calls, waving at him. His heart stutters in his side, and he breathes softly to keep his emotions from showing on his face as he crosses the room.

“Hello, Jim, David.” He turns to the blonde woman. “And you are Carol, I presume?”

“Dr. Carol Wallace,” she confirms, holding up her hand in the ta’al, middle and ring fingers slightly too close together. “It’s wonderful to meet you, Dr. Spock.”

Spock nods, returning the ta’al. 

“Sorry about the short notice,” Carol apologizes.

“There is no need to apologize. David is not the only child to have both parents in attendance, and it is logical that you would want to know the father of his friend.”

The corners of Carol’s lips quirk upward.

“You’re exactly as Jim described you, I see.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow as Jim makes a choked noise; when he turns his head to look at him, he sees that his face has turned a light shade of pink for some reason. 

“Er- David, why don’t you and I go put your gift to Saavik with the other presents?”

“Can Saavik come?” David asks.

Jim clears his throat, glancing at Spock.

“Oh, yeah.” David turns to Spock, eyes big and pleading. “Mister Dr. Spock, can Saavik please come with us?”

Saavik grabs onto his leg before he can answer, her expression matching David’s to an almost uncanny degree.

“You may go, so long as you stay by Commander Kirk’s side the entire time.”

Both children cheer, each grabbing onto one of Jim’s arms.

“C’mon, c’mon, let’s gooooo!”

“Alright, alright.” 

Carol chuckles softly as Jim allows himself to be pulled away.

“I see young Vulcans are just as rambunctious as young Humans.”

“She has, as Humans say, ‘come out of her shell’ since we’ve been on Earth,” Spock replies, deciding that pointing out said change is thanks in part to David could be taken wrong.

“Glad to hear that.” She clears her throat. “So… Jim tells me you were in the Vulcan Expeditionary Group?”

“I was. I left the service after adopting Saavik, at which point I began teaching quantum physics at the Vulcan Science Academy.”

Carol hums.

“Is Starfleet Academy very different from the VSA?”

“In some ways. The curriculum isn’t as intense, likely due to different educational requirements on Vulcan. However, I appreciate that, as I have more time to spend with Saavik instead of constant work.”

“That’s always nice.”

Spock nods.

“And what do you do for work? Jim has told me that you are a scientist.”

“Oh, I work in environmental science, actually. I specialize in terraformation.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“Adapting inhospitable environments to sustain Humanoid life has proven difficult, from what I’ve seen.”

Carol smiles.

“That means it’s worth it, in my book. I like a challenge.”

Spock nods.

“I suppose if there was no challenge to it, it would hardly make for an interesting career.”

“Exactly.” She shrugs. “Though of course measuring how different types of implanted soil does when introduced to soil from other planets can get a bit tedious after a while.”

“I believe I read a paper on that. The thought is that through mixing the soil they will eventually have the same nutrients, correct?”

“Exactly, though in practice it’s proven to be more difficult to…”

They talk for the next ten or so minutes, on occasion debating the finer points of some theories. Spock finds Carol to be well-read and highly intellectual, if perhaps slightly pedantic about terminology. 

Though he supposes he hardly has the higher ground in that area.

Just as they begin discussing the potential of algae in Carol’s work, an aquarium employee announces that the holo-event on whales is about to begin. 

“Ah, I suppose we’ll have to save that for another time, then,” Carol says.

“I look forward to it,” Spock replies.

She smiles at him as they begin walking towards where the group is gathering.

“Hey!” Jim greets as they approach him and the children. He glances between them, an odd look in his eyes. “Everything good?”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Oh, no reason, just checking,” Jim says a bit too quickly.

Before Spock can ask another question, though, they’ve begun moving toward the auditorium, Saavik tugging at his sleeve in an attempt to get him to move faster, and the moment is lost.

---

Saavik is delighted by the holographic whales employed in the show, as are the other children. 

Spock is simply grateful they do not talk about the extinction of the species. He has not quite determined how to explain that there are no whales for her to see.

Thankfully, she is content to see the other animals, particularly the tropical fish. She and David spend quite a bit of time observing them, with all three parents keeping them from pressing up against the glass at different points.

“But why not?” David demands after the third time Jim pries him away from the glass.

“The fish don’t like it, dear,” Carol tells him. “Would you like it if someone pressed up against your window like that?”

“I would just go to another room,” he informs her.

“Yes, but if the fish leave, you won’t be able to see them,” Jim replies. “So if you want to be able to see them…”

“... I shouldn’t press up against the glass?” David guesses.

“That’s right.”

“Oh. Okay.” David looks up at Jim. “Can we go see the cool fish game thing again please?”

“David, you’ve played that three times already,” Jim reminds him.

“Pleeeeeaaaasssseeeee?”

“I don’t mind taking him,” Carol offers. “I’ll take Saavik too if it’s alright with you, Dr. Spock.”

Saavik immediately turns to him, eyes pleading.

Spock is beginning to think she has discovered he has trouble saying no to that.

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Spock replies- if he does not have to be near the bright lights and sounds of that machine, he will not be.

Both children cheer, and David starts tugging on Carol’s wrist.

“Let’s go, Mommy!”

“Don’t pull so hard, dear,” Carol tells him as she offers her sleeve to Saavik. Saavik takes it, waving to Spock before walking off with Carol.

Jim turns to Spock, smiling.

“Glad to see you two are getting along.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Were you concerned we would not?”

Jim shrugs a bit.

“I thought you’d get along fine, but I’ve been wrong before. I thought Carol and Sam- my brother- would get along like a house on fire, but they can hardly stand each other.” Jim pauses. “Though to be fair to Carol, Sam is annoying.”

Spock nods, declining to speak of his own rather annoying brother simply for how complicated the tale is.

For instance, how legally speaking, he does not have a brother at all.

“Huh, what are those fish doing?”

Spock turns to the tank to see two small fish… well, for lack of a better phrase, pressing their lips together.

“‘The Kissing Gourami,’” Jim reads from the small placard near the bottom of the tank. “Well, I suppose that’s an accurate name for some rather romance-minded fish.”

“Romance, or rather courtship, is only one aspect of the behavior,” Spock corrects.

“Oh?”

“What we observe as ‘kissing’ is a behavior that seems to serve several purposes- the kissing gourami has been seen doing it while feeding, during courtship, and during combat. The most accepted explanation for the behavior is that it is a form of ritualized aggression, though overall the kissing gourami is not a particularly aggressive species.”

“Huh. That’s rather odd, isn’t it?”

“Perhaps it is odd to outsiders. To these fish, however, it is merely instinct.”

Jim shrugs.

“Fair point. Was that covered in the documentary you watched with Saavik, by the way?”

“No, it was in a documentary I watched by myself. I enjoy watching them in my downtime.”

“Really?”

Spock turns, eyebrows raised.

“Is that so surprising?”

Jim purses his lips.

“Well… no, I suppose not.” He smiles. “Though it does explain where you get all that trivia you’re always telling me.”

Spock frowns, stomach twisting a bit.

“If that is something that bothers you-?”

“Oh, not at all!” Jim interrupts. “I don’t mean to imply it’s not interesting, I’m just glad to know where it comes from.”

Spock relaxes a bit, though not completely.

“If you are certain.”

“I am. Besides, I like hearing you talk about things that interest you.”

Spock blinks, eyebrows rising, and Jim’s face turns a light shade of pink.

“... that… sounded less strange in my head,” Jim says after a moment.

Spock shakes his head, only barely keeping his own face from flushing.

“No, I… I am glad to know that. Thank you.”

Jim’s face reddens half a shade darker, but he smiles before looking back at the tank.

Neither of them speak for a moment.

“... you could tell me more about the fish,” Jim offers, “if you’d like.”

Spock glances over at him, then straightens a bit. 

“The kissing gourami is able to derive oxygen from air, unlike most fish. They do this through the labyrinth apparatus, which is…”

---

Spock places the last of Saavik’s new books onto her bookshelf before turning towards the bed.

“Have you decided which toy you will switch with your new toy, Saavik?” Spock asks. 

Saavik hums, then points at a bear that she was sent by a relative on Spock’s mother’s side of the family. Spock nods, taking the bear as she places the plush whale David had given her in its place.

From the grin on his face, Spock had surmised that Jim was the one who encouraged that particular purchase. Saavik, of course, had loved it, and had not put it down for the rest of the party.

He somewhat dreads convincing her to part with it before Monday morning.

For now, he takes the bear, walking over to the toy bin and placing it next to the other toys Saavik has deemed not worthy of a place on the bed.

He will admit, he is glad she has begun building both organizational and decision-making skills, cavalier as she sometimes may be.

Spock feels a tug at his pantsleg; he looks down to see Saavik looking up at him with wide, curious eyes.

“Yes, Saavik?”

What is a-

Here, Saavik signs a “d” and then “horse.”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“I do not know what a ‘d-horse’ is. What context did you hear that word in?”

David told me that his parents got a d-horse.

“Ah, I see.” Spock kneels down so he is at her eye-level, raising his hands to sign. “A divorce is the process by which a marriage is terminated.”

Saavik blinks at him.

“Terminated means ‘ended,’” Spock explains. “When married individuals get divorced, it means that they are no longer married.”

Saavik purses her lips for a moment, considering this. Her eyes suddenly go wide, hands moving quickly as she signs.

Will Grandmother and Grandfather get a divorce?

Spock blinks, then shakes his head.

“It is very unlikely that your grandparents will get a divorce, Saavik. They are very fond of each other, and have been content in their marriage for over thirty-five years.”

Saavik relaxes slightly, though she purses her lips again.

Will you get a divorce?

“As I am not married, I cannot get a divorce.”

In the back of his mind, he muses that the breaking of his betrothal bond with T’Pring was something akin to a divorce according to Vulcan culture, but decides against explaining that to Saavik.

Namely, because he would rather Saavik not learn about T’Pring at all.

Saavik considers this, then begins signing again.

Will you get married and then get a divorce?

“Who would I marry?”

David’s father.

Spock’s heart skips a beat, and he only barely keeps himself from flushing.

“As I have explained before, there exists no romantic relationship between David’s father and I.”

Why not?

Spock flounders for a moment, scrambling to think of a reason that will make sense to a three-year-old without revealing too much information.

When he fails, he simply says the first thing that comes to mind.

“Because there is not.”

It is an unsatisfying answer, one that he knows Saavik will protest. To circumvent this, he pulls her into his arms and stands up.

“It is time for a bath.”

That succeeds in distracting her, as she immediately turns her attention to angrily protesting this via whining and squirming in his arms.

Spock will take that over having to sound pathetic to his own child.

After all, she is too young to learn what the word “unrequited” means.

Notes:

as i was editing this i saw that pro wrestler becky lynch had been cast in the new starfleet academy show. strange collision of my interests, but cool to see

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 18: bite tongue, deep breaths (count to ten, nod your head)

Notes:

tw: parental favoritism, marital issues, referenced parental death, child illness, general holiday stress

Jim huffs, wiping a bit of sweat off his brow as he plants his shovel in the snow next to him. 

It had taken the better part of the morning, but Jim had finally managed to clear out the snow that had piled up in the driveway overnight, at least enough to make a path for his parents’ hovercar. He stretches a bit, then starts walking around to the back of the farmhouse, grimacing as he trudges through the snow. 

As he predicted, Belle starts barking the second she sees him coming up the steps of the back porch, which in turn alerts David. 

“DADDY!” He hears David yell from inside. He chuckles as he slips out of his boots, leaving them next to the doormat as he opens the door. David all but runs to him, hugging his legs. “I missed you!”

“I was outside the entire time, kiddo, you could see me,” Jim replies as he starts pulling off his gloves. 

“Yeah, but Mommy said I couldn’t go outside cause you couldn’t watch me and shovel at the same time, so I couldn’t talk to you or play with you or anything!”

“I’m sure you and Grandpa had a great time together while I was gone.”

“We did a puzzle!” David pauses. “Grandpa’s really bad at puzzles, Daddy.”

“That’s because Grandpa refuses to wear his glasses.”

“I heard that!” Jim’s dad calls from the living room.

“Good! Wear your glasses!” Jim replies as he hangs up his coat. “Where are Nana and your mom?”

“In the kitchen,” David tells him. “Nana’s making lunch for everybody.”

Jim nods, reaching out and ruffling his hair absently as he heads for the kitchen. 

“Hey, I finished shovelling the driveway,” he tells his mom and Carol as he walks in.

“Oh, wonderful,” his mother replies as she pulls the oven-baked ham sandwiches out of the oven. “We’ll go shopping after lunch then. If that’s alright with you, Carol.”

“I’d be happy to,” Carol answers, pausing in setting the table for only a moment. “Lunch’ll be ready in a minute.”

“Great, I’ll go change into something that I won’t melt in while I’m inside,” Jim says as he turns to head upstairs.

He walks up into his old bedroom and closes the door behind him, letting out a sigh as he starts undressing. The room always feels so much smaller than it did when he was a kid, and not just because of the twin bed or the posters of long-retired baseball players.

Honestly, it makes him feel old. 

He’ll take feeling old over trying to share a bed with his ex-wife, though. Even if that means sleeping in a twin bed.

A knock at the door drags Jim out of his thoughts.

“Daddy, Mommy told me to tell you that lunch is ready!”

“Alright, I’ll be down in a second,” Jim replies as he buttons up his shirt.

“Daddy? Can we vid-call Saavik and Mister Dr. Spock?”

“After lunch, but remember, they could be busy too.”

“Saavik says they don’t celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or anything, though.”

“Well, maybe they have Vulcan holidays that they’re celebrating.”

“Like what?”

Jim pauses as he puts on his belt.

“Well, I… I don’t actually know any Vulcan holidays, but if they’re celebrating, we have to let them and not intrude on their family time.”

David lets out a long, overdramatic sigh.

“Okaaaaaaay… but I really wanna see them, so if they can’t vid-call now you gotta ask when they can!”

Jim chuckles a little as he pulls on a sweater, turning to open the door. 

“Alright, I’ll make sure to do that. Now, come on, I’m starving.”

---

“Daaaaaad…”

Jim resists the urge to sigh as he runs the cutting board under the water.

“David, we are almost done with the dishes. You only have to wait a couple more minutes, and it’ll take longer if you keep coming in here.”

“But I’m booooorrreeeeeeedddd.” 

“You have plenty of things to do in the living room. You could color, or look at a picture book, or watch the episode of Meii’shi I put on for you…”

“But I don’t wanna do any of that. I wanna vid-call Saavik!”

“David, I promise this’ll only take a couple more minutes. If it takes longer, then… you get to say I told you so.”

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise.”

David narrows his eyes, then turns to go back to the living room. Jim huffs, shaking his head, then turns when he hears his dad chuckling next to him.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing,” his dad says as he puts the last plate in the dishwasher. “I just seem to remember another little boy who had absolutely no patience whatsoever.”

Jim rolls his eyes as he turns off the water, handing him the cutting board. 

“Your support is ever-so-valuable, Dad.”

“You’re very welcome, son,” his dad replies. “Now, go on, I’ve got it from here.”

“You sure? I can-!”

His dad waves him off with one hand.

“The brass might think I’m too old for the service, but I’m hardly infirm. Besides, it’s just starting the dishwasher.”

Jim frowns, but nods all the same.

“Alright, if you say so.” He turns to head towards the living room, leaning in through the doorway. “Hey, kiddo, I’m ready if you-!”

“YES!” David shouts, scrambling off the couch and running back into the kitchen. Jim’s dad chuckles again as he passes him on his way to his armchair, and Jim rolls his eyes again.

“Turn it on, turn it on!” David demands once Jim is seated at the kitchen table, bouncing excitedly in his seat as he thrusts the PADD into Jim’s hands.

“Okay, okay!” He replies, doing so and navigating over to the messaging app.

Jim: Hey, David wants to vid-call. Are you and Saavik available?

A moment later, Spock replies.

Spock: We are currently available. I will call you.

Jim grins as the screen for the video call appears, pressing the answer button. In a second, Saavik appears. From the angle, Jim assumes Spock is holding the PADD up from the other end of the couch.

“Hi, Saavik!” David greets, lifting his hands to sign. “How are you?”

Saavik grins from ear to ear, raising her own hands. 

I am well. I miss you.

“I miss you too. Do you wanna see Nana and Grandpa’s doggy?”

Saavik nods, and in the blink of an eye David is gone, running into the living room with Jim’s PADD in tow.

“Wh- hey! David!” Jim calls as he gets up, chasing after him. “Don’t drop that, I need it for work!”

“I won’t!” 

Jim, having been a parent for nearly four years now, doesn’t quite buy that, and so follows him to the living room, where he finds David holding up the PADD to Belle’s face.

“Her name is Belle and she’s seven years old!” David declares. “Say hi, Belle!”

Belle leans forward, sniffing the PADD curiously, and Jim hears Saavik giggle.

“David, if you hold it up to her face like that she’s gonna lick it,” Jim’s father tells him from his armchair. “That’s probably not great for her or the PADD, tiger.”

“Oh.” David pulls the PADD back, then suddenly turns it towards Jim’s dad. “Saavik, this is my Grandpa! His name is George and he’s retired, so he doesn’t go to work anymore!”

Jim’s dad looks a little surprised, but smiles and waves.

“Hello, Miss Saavik. It’s lovely to finally meet you.”

Saavik waves at him, then pauses before suddenly lunging at the screen.

“Saavik-!” Spock starts, sounding much less startled than Jim would be in his shoes, only for the screen to turn and reveal him on the other end of the couch- mostly his chin and nostrils until Saavik adjusts the PADD a bit. “Ah.”

“Hey Spock,” Jim greets him as he walks up behind his dad’s chair. 

“Hello, Jim,” Spock replies. 

“Ah, so this is Dr. Spock,” Jim’s dad comments. “I’ve heard a lot about you too.”

Jim chokes on his own spit, face reddening a bit as he coughs.

“Are you alright, Jim?” Spock asks, head tilted slightly- Jim’s come to recognize that as his “concern” micro-expression.

“Y-Yeah, I-!” He clears his throat. “Sorry, just- just swallowed some spit wrong.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“If you are certain. I am gratified to make your acquaintance, Commander Kirk.”

“Please, call me George. If for no other reason than there’s more than one Commander Kirk in the room.”

“Very well, George. David, perhaps you should give the PADD back to your father?”

“Aw, do I have to?”

“As I am not your parent, nor physically present, I cannot force you to do so, but I strongly advise that you do.”

David sighs dramatically.

“Okaaaaaaay… oh!” David turns around the PADD so that the screen is facing him. “Mister Dr. Spock!”

“Yes, David?” 

“Are you guys celebrating anything?”

Despite the fact that Jim can’t see Spock from this angle, he knows that he’s raising an eyebrow.

“Not currently. The part of Vulcan I am from does not celebrate winter holidays.”

“Oh. What kind of holidays do Vulcans have?”

“While it varies from place to place, the holidays and festivals I personally observe are not much like the ones Humans observe. For example, there is Kal-Rekk- a festival of atonement and silence. We spend that day reflecting on our actions in the past year, without speaking a single word from the time the sun rises until the sun sets.”

David wrinkles his nose a bit.

“That doesn’t sound very fun.”

“It is not supposed to be.”

David makes a discontented noise, then walks over to Jim, holding up the PADD.

“Here, Daddy.”

“Thank you. No more running with this, okay? It’d be a hassle to replace.”

“Okay,” David agrees. “Can I see Saavik again?”

“Sure. Spock, can we-?”

There’s a commotion on the other end as Saavik worms her way into Spock’s lap, sitting down with a big smile. Spock, in his own way, looks both mildly exasperated and incredibly fond at the same time, making Jim’s stomach do somersaults.

“Alright, well, we’ve kept you two long enough,” Jim says once she’s settled down. “Say goodbye, David.”

“Bye-bye, Saavik! I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Remember to open the present I got you tonight!” David promises. “Bye-bye, Mister Dr. Spock!”

Saavik waves, and Spock nods.

“Goodbye David, Jim. Have a pleasant day.”

Jim smiles.

“See you tomorrow, Spock. You two, Saavik.”

He hangs up the PADD, then moves to put his PADD down on the coffee table, then turns to see his dad looking at him with an odd expression.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking about next year’s sleeping arrangements.”

Jim frowns.

“Why would you be thinking of-?”

The doorbell rings, interrupting Jim before he can finish his question. He glances back at his dad, then starts walking towards the front door.

“Probably just the mail. I’ll get it.”

Jim opens the door, expecting to come face to face with a mail carrier or perhaps a very early (and very determined) group of carolers.

What he sees instead is about the last thing he was expecting. He blinks, not quite sure if he’s seeing this right, his lips parting when the image in front of him doesn’t change.

“... Sam?” 

Sam gives him a tight-lipped, closed-mouth smile that is somehow worsened by the truly awful mustache he’s decided to grow.

“Hey, Jimmy. It’s, uh… it’s been a while, huh?”

Jim clenches his jaw, folding his arms across his chest.

“Yeah, uh, haven’t- haven’t seen you in person for a bit.”

“Well, you know I’ve been really busy with my work on Deneva.”

“For five straight years?” Jim snarks, unable to help himself. 

Sam winces.

“Alright, maybe that wasn’t my best excuse.” Sam shuffles a bit, sticking his hands in his pockets. “Look, I-!”

“UNCLE JIM!”

Jim turns to see three young boys running up the hill towards him, followed by a woman. As they get closer, he recognizes them, and despite everything he smiles.

“Joshua, Steven, Peter!” He calls as the boys run up to him. He kneels down just in time to nearly get knocked back in a hug, grunting a little. “My goodness, you’ve all grown so big!”

“Don’t I know it,” a familiar, feminine voice says. Jim looks up, smiling as he stands up.

“Hi, Aurelan,” he greets her. “It’s wonderful to see you again.”

“You too! It’s been too long.” She turns to Sam. “It’s like pulling teeth to get this one to leave Deneva.”

Sam lets out an obviously fake laugh. 

“Ah-hah, I thought we agreed you and the kids would wait in the car til I came to get you?”

Aurelan’s smile goes tight.

“Well, maybe if you hadn’t paced in front of the door for five minutes we would have.”

“Maybe I just needed a minute to clear my head.”

“And maybe I don’t want to spend the closest thing I’ve had to an actual vacation in five years sitting in a car with three keyed-up children.”

Jim presses his lips together as they keep bickering, resisting the urge to slowly close the door again. He glances down at his nephews, surprised to see that they look… worryingly unphased at their parents’ arguing.

Thankfully, the argument quickly gets interrupted.

“Daddy, Grandpa told me to tell you to stop letting all the hot air out of the house, and then he told me to ask you how that works!” 

Jim turns to look at David, who frowns and tilts his head slightly.

“Daddy, who are these people? It’s too many people to be the mail lady.”

Jim clears his throat.

“Actually, David, this- this is your Uncle Sam, your Aunt Aurelan, and your cousins Joshua, Steven, and Peter.”

David blinks.

“Oh. Why are they here?”

Jim turns back to look at Sam.

“That’s a good question, actually.”

Sam glances away, sticking his hands back in his pockets.

“Well, it’s- it’s Christmas, isn’t it? What better time to see family?”

“Plus Winona’s retiring, so we thought we’d surprise her!” Aurelan adds, her cheerfulness sounding only slightly less fake than Sam’s. 

Jim hesitates, then clears his throat, backing up a bit so he’s no longer blocking the door.

“Well, you should get out of the cold. Shoes off on the front porch, please.”

There’s some shuffling and grumbling to get in the house, a shove or two between Sam’s boys that gets some stern words from their parents, but everyone manages to make it inside in one piece. 

For a second, things are still.

And then their dad calls out to him.

“Who was that, Jim?”

Jim opens his mouth to reply, only to be cut off by a stampede of kids running down the hall, save for David who’s clinging to his leg.

“GRANDPA!”

An “oof” comes from the living room, followed by incredulous laughter.

“Well, hello, boys! Now, just how did you three get here?”

“Mom and Dad brought us!” Joshua tells him.

Sam tenses, jaw clenched. Aurelan nudges at him.

“You promised you’d give it a shot,” she says in a low voice.

“I know, I know, I just need a minute-!”

“George.”

Jim winces. Aurelan only breaks out the first name when she’s dead serious.

“Okay, okay,” Sam mutters. He sticks his hands in his pockets, then takes a deep breath before walking down the hallway, Aurelan following him. Jim watches him stop in the entryway to the living room, stomach clenching.

“... hey, Dad.”

Jim holds his breath.

“... Samuel. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, uh, I’ve… it’s been a while, yeah,” Sam stammers, apparently giving up on an excuse before it can even leave his lips.

Their dad hums.

“I was starting to think you were chained to that planet, you know.”

Jim can practically hear Sam’s jaw clench.

“Well at least I stayed in one-!”

Perhaps in an act of divine mercy, the door to the garage opens.

“We’re back- oh! Oh my goodness!”

Despite everything, Jim can’t help but smile when he hears the surprise and joy in his mother’s voice. He walks over to see her being hugged by Sam’s boys, laughing softly.

“Hi, Mom,” Sam greets, walking over to give her a hug.

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s so wonderful to see you!” She pulls back a bit, her expression turning concerned. “Oh, but we already sent the gifts for the boys to Deneva!”

“Oh, don’t worry, I had them shipped back here with the rest of the gifts,” Aurelan reassures her, holding up her comm. “Should be here in about an hour. We’ll be able to open them on Christmas morning without issue!”

Jim’s mom blinks, exchanging a look with his father.

“All… of them?”

“Well, of course!” Aurelan replies. “It’s Christmas, after all.”

Jim’s mom hums while his dad makes a face like he wants to say something, but knows it won’t go down well.

“Well isn’t that lovely,” his mom says- Jim can practically see her trying to figure out the logistics of stacking presents for four kids, plus six adults, without any of the kids discovering the truth about Santa. 

Carol has a similar expression to his father now. Jim can only silently shrug at her.

Jim’s mom clears her throat. 

“Well, we’ll, uh… figure out the details later.” She claps her hands together. “Why don’t we all go outside for a bit and play in the snow?”

Judging from the way all four kids cheer, that’s a popular decision. As Sam’s boys rush to the backyard, Jim catches David, hoisting him over his shoulder.

“Nope, not yet. You still have to put on your snowsuit first.”

“Aw, but Daddy…”

“No buts. I don’t want you freezing out there.”

David blows a raspberry, and Jim sighs.

“Yeah, me too, bud.”

---

Jim huffs as he gets up on the porch, grabbing his hat to turn it upside down and shake the snow off.

“You think you’d be better at dodging snowballs given all those combat courses you’ve instructed,” Sam comments.

Jim rolls his eyes, reminding himself that flipping his brother off in front of four kids ranging in age from three to ten is inappropriate.

“If you wanna be a smart ass, then why don’t you show me how it’s done?”

Sam winces, clearing his throat.

“Well, I, uh…”

Jim smirks.

“Oh, that’s right, you almost flunked the one required combat course you took, didn’t you?”

Sam rolls his eyes.

“Oh, fuck off, Jimmy,” he mutters into his hot cocoa.

Jim snorts, then pauses when he feels his comm buzz in his pocket.

Spock: Saavik insisted that I send this to you.

Attached is a picture of Saavik standing in front of a Christmas tree that Jim recognizes from the kids’ section of the local library. She is smiling brightly, waving at the camera, and Jim can’t help the way his lips spread into a smile.

Jim: This is lovely, Spock. Thank you, and thank her for me, will you?”

Spock: I will make sure to do so.

Spock: How are you?

Jim hesitates for a moment, glancing over at Sam, then turns his gaze back to his comm.

Jim: It’s been a weird day. Right after the vid-call, my brother and his family showed up at the house.

Jim: I haven’t seen any of them in person for five years. Today was the first time I’ve seen my youngest nephew since he was a baby.

Jim: My brother doesn’t get along with our dad at all, so it’s been kind of tense.

It takes Spock a moment to respond, long enough that Jim’s almost worried that he’s overshared somehow. He nearly sighs in relief when a new message from Spock pops up.

Spock: That must be difficult. 

Jim snorts softly.

Jim: Bit of an understatement there. Kind of reminds me of Carol and I’s wedding, I spent half the reception worried that my dad and my brother would come to blows. Part of the reason we didn’t have an open bar.

The other reasons, of course, being that Carol’s mother and father were in the same room, and also that Carol and her father were in the same room. Plus a smattering of other family members and friends who had some tension amongst them- honestly, free alcohol would have turned that day into an absolute mess.

But he’s not going to tell Spock any of that, not least because he doesn’t want Spock to think his entire family is nuts.

It is, but he doesn’t want him to think that.

Spock: If that is the case, then why is he here?

Jim: Beats me. He said it’s because it’s Christmas and because Mom’s retiring, but I honestly don’t believe him. 

Spock: Do you have reason to doubt him?

Jim frowns, pursing his lips.

Jim: Well, no, I suppose not. It’s just weird to think that he hasn’t made an effort to come see us for five years and now he’s just shown up out of the blue, I guess.

Spock: If he has given you no particular reason not to trust him, would it not be better to give him the benefit of the doubt? 

Jim sighs.

Jim: I guess so. I can’t imagine he’s here for nefarious reasons, anyway. At least it’s a little nostalgic. I remember things being tense like this… pretty much every year until I got assigned to the Farragut, actually. It’s almost a tradition.

Spock: I do not consider myself an expert on holiday traditions, but that seems to be a rather strange one to me.

Jim chuckles, shaking his head.

Jim: Well, what about you? Got any strange traditions of your own this time of year?

Spock: As I said earlier, the part of Vulcan I am from has no winter holidays.

Jim: What about your mom? Didn’t she celebrate anything?

Spock doesn’t respond for a moment, just long enough for Jim to worry that he’s made him uncomfortable. Before he can write a new message, though, a new message from Spock appears.

Spock: My mother would light a menorah by herself every year. When I was very young, she helped me light the candles, but as I grew older I declined to participate. I do not know if she still does this.

Maybe he’s reading too far into it, but there’s a strange sadness to his message, each word tinged with just a hint of regret.

Jim: Is that something you’d be interested in doing with Saavik?

Spock: I am uncertain. Adoption is something of a quagmire within Jewish law, though it is always seen as a blessing to provide a home for a child, and as I have not participated in any aspect of my mother’s faith since my bar mitzvah I cannot claim that Saavik has been involved in Jewish life.

Jim: You had a bar mitzvah?

Spock: It was one of the few pieces of my Human heritage my mother insisted be included in my upbringing. I believe my maternal grandmother was a strong influence on this, given her general ambivalence otherwise.

Spock: I found studying the Torah interesting. However, Montreal was quite cold in January.

Jim can’t help but smile at the mental image of Spock all bundled up with a pair of earmuffs on.

He then pauses.

Jim: Only tangentially related, but can you wear standard earmuffs?

Spock: I can, but they will not cover my ears to a satisfactory degree. My mother had to sew custom ear covers in order to keep my ears warm during that trip.

Somehow, that mental image is even cuter. Jim can imagine him wearing such things now, standing in the snow outside the house while he coaxes him into building a snowman with him and the kids.

“Now just who has you smiling at your comm like that, hm?”

Jim startles, nearly dropping his comm.

“No one!” He claims before he can stop himself.

His mom raises an eyebrow.

“Uh-huh. The same kind of ‘no one’ who turned out to be Ruthie McDonald from down the road when you were sixteen?”

Jim resists the urge to roll his eyes.

“It’s not-!”

“It’s probably Spock.”

Jim freezes, heat creeping into his cheeks as he turns to glare at Carol as she walks up the porch steps with David.

“What? You certainly don’t look at Leonard’s messages like that. It’s a perfectly reasonable assumption.”

“Who’s Spock?” His mom asks.

Jim resists the urge to sigh as he turns back to her.

“He’s a friend of mine. His daughter is friends with David.”

“And Daddy likes him!” David adds.

“Well, yes, David, I did say we were friends.”

David shakes his head.

“No, you like him like Nana and Grandpa like each other.”

Jim freezes, clearing his throat.

“I- what, what makes you think that, sweetheart?”

“Cause you smiled at him when he wasn’t looking when we were at the aquarium. Grandpa does that to Nana all the time.”

Jim’s face heats as his mother turns towards his father, hand over her heart.

“Oh, George…”

His dad rolls his eyes.

“You already knew about that.”

“Well, yes, but it’s still very sweet.”

Jim’s dad huffs, but he’s still smiling.

“In any case, I can vouch for the smiling,” Carol says. “It’s very sweet, actually.”

“Thank you, Carol, that’s very helpful,” Jim mutters. “Look, it’s nothing, can we drop it?”

“No!” David shouts before turning to Jim’s mom with big, pleading eyes. “Nana, can you help me make Daddy ask Mister Dr. Spock on a date please?”

Jim’s face goes molten as all the other adults present burst out laughing, save for Aurelan. She’s frowning, but somehow Jim doesn’t quite think she’s on his side here.

“I think- I think you should let your father decide when to do that, dear,” his mom says after a minute.

“Probably won’t have to wait long, though,” Sam remarks.

Jim frowns, turning towards him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sam rolls his eyes.

“Come off it, Jim. You have to admit you’re a little bit of a serial monogamist.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise, then furrow.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I heard plenty of rumors back in the day-!”

“Those rumors were nothing more than a load of bull and you know it. And why would you have put stock into them?”

“Maybe I wanted to know what my little brother was up to. It’s not like he ever told me anything.”

“Oh, that is rich coming from-!”

Something cold collides with the side of Jim’s head, covering his face and slipping under his scarf to slide down his neck. He gasps in shock, blinking before shaking his head. Sam seems to be in the same boat, shivering uncomfortably as he tries to get the snow off his shoulder.

“Got you, Dad, Uncle Jim!” Joshua calls. Steven and Peter are both giggling, gathering up more snow.

Jim looks over at Sam.

“Truce until we get revenge?” He offers.

Sam nods.

“Deal.”

They shake hands, then run off the porch and into the backyard, grabbing snow to chase down Sam’s boys as they shriek in delight.

---

“How’s the ham looking?”

Jim squints into the oven.

“Looks like it’s just about done.”

“Wonderful. Do me a favor and tell everyone that we’re just about ready, will you?” His mom asks. “I’ll get the ham out of the oven.”

“I don’t mind getting the ham,” he tells her.

Jim’s mom sighs, turning to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Jim, you’ve been extraordinarily helpful all week, and I appreciate it. But you don’t have to do everything for your father and I- we’re getting older, but we’re not that old.”

Jim huffs.

“I just don’t want you guys to strain yourselves for us,” he admits.

“It’s the holidays, sweetheart, straining yourself for family is part of it.” She pulls his head down to kiss his forehead. “I can handle a ham, I’ve been doing it for years. Don’t worry about me.”

“Okay,” he says, not meaning it at all. “But I’ll set up the kids’ table, and I won’t hear an argument about it.”

His mother gives him a look, then sighs.

“Oh, alright, if it’ll make you feel better. Now, go, before everything starts getting cold.”

Jim nods, putting his hands in his pockets as he walks into the living room, where his brother and father are sitting on the couch watching football and decidedly not talking. 

Probably the best case scenario, to be fair.

“Hey, dinner is in about ten minutes or so,” he tells them.

Both grunt in acknowledgement, and Jim resists the urge to comment on how similar they are. Instead, he heads upstairs, first to Sam’s childhood bedroom where the boys are holed up with a set of legos Joshua brought from Deneva.

“Boys, dinner’s in about ten minutes,” he tells them.

“Okay,” they chorus. 

“That means you have to stop playing in five minutes and come downstairs,” he elaborates.

“Okay, Daddy,” David replies, perhaps a little bit sassily. 

He might need to have a talk with him about not mirroring his cousins’ behavior too much. He huffs, then heads over to the guest room, where Carol and Aurelan were doing some last-minute gift-wrapping last he checked. The door is slightly ajar; he goes to open it all the way, stopping when he hears their conversation.

“... must be difficult, seeing Jim move on so quickly,” Aurelan says in a soft, understanding voice.

“Not really,” Carol replies. “Honestly, it’s nice seeing him happy, even if he’s being stubborn about asking Spock out.”

Jim rolls his eyes.

“Carol, you know it’s alright to feel some way about it, don’t you? You don’t have to hide your feelings.”

Jim frowns, furrowing his brow.

“I’m… not? I’m genuinely glad to see that he’s moving on.”

“Moving on is one thing, but you’ve only been divorced a month! It’s so fast, isn’t it?”

He hears Carol sigh.

“Aurelan, I appreciate the concern, but truth be told I’m not that sad about the divorce. Yes, it’s only been official for a month, but our romantic and intimate relationship has been over for almost a year now. It barely even qualified as one by the time we called it quits- I don’t even remember when the last time we were intimate was.”

Jim winces, but… well, frankly, he doesn’t remember either. 

“So… you’re fine with this?”

“Yes I am. Frankly I wish he’d get on with it and ask the poor man out already. I’ve never seen lovestruck on a Vulcan before, but it’s adorable.”

“And you’re just… fine with the idea of your kid being around a new partner so quickly?”

“Well, David knew Spock as his friend’s father before, so I doubt it’ll be much of an issue. Besides, Spock’s lovely.” She pauses. “If a little pedantic.”

Jim rolls his eyes, though he can’t really argue the point.

“Hm. Well, if- if you change your mind, I’m here.” Jim hears some wrapping paper rip. “I know firsthand how those Kirk men can be.”

“I’m… not sure what you mean.”

“You know, they’re stubborn. They don’t listen.” More ripping. “They don’t care about how you feel-!”

“Jim!” Carol says suddenly, which is when Jim realizes that he’s leaned on the door so much that he’s accidentally revealed himself to them. He clears his throat, smiling in an attempt to recover some nonchalance.

“Hey, uh, dinner’s just about ready.”

“We’ll be right down,” Carol replies. There’s a certain amount of gratitude in her eyes, and Jim resolves to get her some of the good egg nog later.

“Sounds good. I’ll go make sure the boys actually went downstairs.”

With that, he walks away, hoping against hope that dinner doesn’t turn into the shitshow he’s dreading it’ll be.

---

Dinner goes okay at first. The conversation is slightly stilted, but only mildly passive-aggressive, which he counts as a win considering how many Christmas Eve dinners he’s seen devolve into a shouting match between his father and Sam.

At least he’s an adult and allowed to have wine now.

Of course, something has to go wrong, and it does right at the end of the meal to boot. 

It’s innocuous enough- Carol brings up how she and Jim have talked about signing David up for a karate class when he turns four, at which point Aurelan starts talking about how Joshua’s little league team won their regional title last season.

“Couldn’t have done it without their coach,” she says, nudging Sam a bit.

“Oh, come on, it was all the kids,” Sam says with only a hint of false modesty. 

“Sounds like what your coach would have said when your team won the regional title as a kid,” their mom replies.

Sam laughs.

“Well, maybe I did have a good inspiration,” he admits. “But that was a team effort too.”

“I seem to remember you being the one who scored the most homeruns that season,” their mom counters.

Sam shrugs, taking a sip of his wine to hide his grin.

“I didn’t know you were that good at baseball, Sam,” their dad comments.

Jim winces as Sam pauses. 

“No? I’m sure I told you,” Sam says.

Their dad shrugs. 

“Well, maybe you did. It was a long time ago.”

“Well, maybe if you ever went to one of my games you’d have remembered,” Sam replies, the sheer resentment in his voice belying the cheerful expression on his face. 

Everything falls silent. Jim places a hand on the table, just in case he needs to grab his glass of wine.

Their dad looks at Sam, face impassive.

“I was working.”

Sam scoffs.

“Yeah, I remember. Most important thing in the entire galaxy, your job. That’s why I didn’t live anywhere for more than a year until I was eleven, right?”

“Sam,” Aurelan mutters under her breath. 

“What, Aurelan? I’m not allowed to talk about things that happened anymore?”

“You promised you’d be nice,” she counters.

“I promised I’d be here, I never said anything about nice.”

“It was implied!”

“Oh, I’m supposed to read your mind now?”

“You shouldn’t talk to your wife that way,” their dad chastises.

“And I’m supposed to take marital advice from the man who abandoned his wife and kids for months at a time? Well, I’m just learning all sorts of things today, aren’t I?”

“I’m suddenly recalling you telling me that you spent a lot of time in the woods as a child,” Carol murmurs as the argument continues.

Jim shrugs as he grabs his wine glass.

“It’s not not why I did that,” he replies before taking a sip.

“What do you want me to say, Sam?” Their dad asks, clearly exasperated. “That I’m sorry that I had an important job?” 

“The job that was suddenly less important when Jim started first grade?” Sam snaps.

“Uh, I’d like to not be involved in this,” Jim says quickly.

Sam snorts.

“Oh, way to keep up your position as Dad’s favorite child.”

“That’s not fair, Sam,” their dad cuts in, a warning tone in his voice.

“Oh, you want to talk about fair? Then why did you show up at all his wrestling meets? To all his parent-teacher nights? To everything that was important to him?” Sam’s voice is thick, and despite everything Jim’s heart aches for him. “Why wasn’t I important enough to do that for-?”

Their mother suddenly stands up.

“Excuse me,” she says quietly, and Jim’s horrified to see tears in her eyes.

“Mom-!” He calls, but she’s running up the stairs before he can even get out of his seat. The door slams, and the room falls silent.

“... I’ll go check on Winona,” Carol murmurs after a moment, quietly getting out of her seat and heading upstairs.

When she’s gone, the room falls silent again. 

“... George- George Samuel,” Aurelan corrects herself, “may I speak with you outside?”

“I think that would be best,” Sam replies in a clipped tone, getting out of his seat. Jim watches them walk over to the backdoor, wincing when he hears it slam.

“... I’m gonna go check on the kids,” Jim says softly, rising from his seat. 

“I’ll clear the table in a minute,” his father replies; Jim resists the urge to offer to do that for him, knowing that his dad needs a minute to compose himself. Instead, he walks over to the living room, hoping the kids are blissfully unaware of the big blow up.

From the fact that they’re all dead silent when he walks in, he doesn’t think that’s the case.

“Hey, kids,” he greets, trying to seem cheerful, “you almost done with dinner?”

“I guess,” Steven murmurs. Joshua’s looking at the backdoor with a blank expression, and Peter’s pushing peas around on his plate. 

“We saw Aunt Aurelan and Uncle Sam go outside a minute ago,” David murmurs. “They looked mad.”

Jim blows air out slowly.

“Yeah, they did,” he agrees. “They’re, um… well, you know that grown-ups fight, it’s… nothing to worry about.”

“We’re not worried,” Joshua tells him. 

“Yeah, when they’re done yelling at each other they probably won’t talk again til tomorrow,” Peter adds. “You just gotta wait it out.”

Jim’s throat tightens a little, and he clears his throat, shifting from side to side. 

“Hey, uh, what do you say we play a board game?” He suggests. “Could be fun.”

“Do you have Candyland?” Steven asks.

“Sure do. Come on, I’ll set it up.”

The boys slowly file out of their seats, and Jim resists the urge to sigh, glancing over his shoulder at the backdoor before turning away and turning his mind to how he can throw a game of Candyland without it being too obvious.

---

Three games of Candyland later, Aurelan appears to usher her children off to bed. Her face is slightly pinched and her eyes are red, and she doesn’t say a single word to Jim as they set up the air mattresses in the basement. 

“Good night,” he tells Sam’s family (sans Sam) as he heads upstairs.

“Jim?” Aurelan calls. He pauses, looking down at her.

“Yeah?”

“When you see Sam…” Aurelan trails off, then shakes her head. “Nevermind. I’ll come up later.”

She turns to tuck Peter in before Jim can say anything. 

Jim bites back a sigh, then heads all the way upstairs, closing the door behind him.

“Jim?”

Jim turns, looking over at his mom. Her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, and his heart breaks at the sight.

“Hey, Mom,” he says gently. “Are you okay?”

She shakes her head.

“Nevermind me. Have you seen Sam? Your father says he hasn’t seen him since he and Aurelan came in.”

Jim shakes his head, then pauses.

“I think I know where he may be, though. I’ll go after him.” 

He starts walking towards the stairs, then stops and turns back to him.

“Mom?”

She looks at him, and Jim suddenly realizes how exhausted she looks.

“Take a break for tonight,” he tells her. “We’ll handle everything.”

“Jim-!”

“Please, Mom? For me?”

His mom’s face pinches, but she sighs, nodding.

“Alright. I suppose just this once won’t kill me.”

Jim nods, then heads upstairs, walking over to the attic door and pulling it open. He sneezes at the dust that falls on him, then shakes it off as he walks into the attic.

Sure enough, Sam isn’t in the room, which means he could only be in one place. Jim heaves a sigh, then walks over to the window and opens it. He grimaces against the chill, then leans out the window. Sure enough, Sam’s sitting on the roof, hugging his knees and staring at the starry night.

“Thought I’d find you up here,” he comments. 

Sam glances at him, then looks away.

“You’re not gonna almost fall off the roof again, are you?”

“That was one time, and it was technically your fault.”

“How in the world was it my fault that you tried to climb onto the roof?”

“Because you were also not supposed to be on the roof, and when I was eight I thought my thirteen-year-old brother was the coolest person in the universe.” Jim shrugs. “What was I gonna do, not copy you?”

Sam rolls his eyes, though there’s no mistaking the fondness in them as he looks away.

“... you wanna talk about it?” Jim offers after a moment of silence. 

“About what, exactly?”

Jim shrugs.

“Anything, I guess. Seems like you’ve got a lot going on.”

Sam doesn’t respond right away, hugging his knees a little tighter.

“... when did you know?” He asks quietly.

“Know what?”

“When it was time to stop trying to save your marriage.”

Jim can’t help the sharp little inhale of breath he draws in, eyes widening as a pit drops in his stomach. He swallows, then takes another breath and braces his hands on the window sill.

“Alright, gimme a sec,” he says before pushing himself out of the window, grabbing onto the top of the outcropping to pull himself out all the way. It’s not as easy as it was when he was eighteen, or even when he was twenty-five, but he manages to get himself onto the roof and sitting next to his brother.

“Okay,” he says, “start from the beginning.”

Sam sighs, not looking at him.

“... Aurelan’s dad died,” he tells him after a minute. “Back in October.”

“Shit. Sorry for your loss.”

“Yeah, it- it was unexpected, and it’s been hard on all of us. Aurelan took it the worst, though- she hardly got out of bed for a week, and when she did, it was like… it was almost like she wasn’t there.”

Sam shuffles a bit.

“After the funeral, she got a little better, but…” Sam takes a breath. “She, uh, she started- started telling me how much she regretted not spending time with him, not getting closure, and…”

He thins his lips.

“She started pushing me to reconcile with Dad.”

Sam exhales, running a hand through his hair.

“And, y’know, I get it. I get that she’s grieving, and that she loves me and doesn’t want me to go through the same things she’s going through, but every time I told her that I didn’t want to, she just kept telling me I had to.” He tilts his head up. “We fought about it. A lot. Then we started fighting about other things- things we hadn’t fought about in years, that we got through- or at least, I thought we did.”

He takes another breath.

“We just… it feels like the only time we’re actually speaking to each other is to fight, and I’m so fucking sick of it, Jim. The only reason I caved and agreed to come out here is so that maybe we’d stop fighting all the time.”

Sam laughs humorlessly.

“And it didn’t even fucking work! We’re still fighting, because all she can talk about is how I need to talk it out with Dad, and apparently what I want doesn’t matter!”

Sam’s breathing heavily when he stops. For a moment, it’s the only sound among the still night air.

“... wow,” Jim manages after a minute. 

Sam exhales again.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admits quietly. “I still love her. I love her so much, but I don’t- I don’t like her. I don’t like fighting all the time, or that she keeps pushing me to make up with Dad, and I know it’s because she’s grieving but…”

Sam takes a shaky breath.

“I can’t keep living like this.”

Jim looks away, staring up at the stars for a minute.

“... when things first started falling apart between Carol and I, we argued about small, stupid stuff. The first time, I’m pretty sure, was about her forgetting to turn on the dishwasher before we went to bed.” He shifts a bit. “It wasn’t a big deal at all, but… I don’t know, I felt really annoyed about it, and we spent most of the day bickering.”

He takes a breath.

“And one bad day is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but we started having those day-long fights more and more often. We both started getting meaner, needling each other, trying to pick fights. She’d criticize my parenting, I’d undermine hers, we’d go back and forth and be horribly passive-aggressive until one of us blew up. We never got overly nasty about it, never stooped so low that we couldn’t eventually patch it over with an apology, but it was constant.”

Jim swallows.

“We tried not to fight in front of David. That was the one thing we both agreed on- that we wouldn’t put him through that.” He takes another breath. “But one day, we were fighting in the kitchen about whose turn it was to make dinner, and after about twenty minutes I realized that at some point, David had walked past us, gone into the living room, and turned on the TV.”

He exhales.

“He didn’t even seem to care that we were fighting. He was completely unphased, as if he’d gotten used to it. He wasn’t even close to being three yet.” Jim swallows the lump in his throat. “That was when we decided to go to counseling.”

“... all that over the dishwasher?”

Jim huffs.

“It wasn’t about the dishwasher, Sam.” He sighs. “David’s allergic to tree nuts. We found out not long after his second birthday when a friend of his shared a piece of bread with a hazelnut spread on it, and he had to be treated for anaphylaxis.”

“Jesus,” Sam breathes. 

“Yeah, it… it was hard.” Jim leans back a bit. “The dishwasher fight happened a couple days after he got out of the hospital. We weathered our wedding, her cutting off her dad, David being born and being new parents, but when he got that sick, when he could have… I dunno, I guess it was too much. It broke something.”

He’s quiet for a moment.

“I think we got married too quickly, honestly. We’d only been together for a year when I proposed, and we’d only been married a month when we found out we were going to have David. We didn’t know each other well enough, we didn’t really talk to each other or confide in each other- hell, I didn’t tell her about Tarsus until after we got married. And what happened to David… it was something neither of us could control, and there was no one to blame.” He sighs. “So I guess we just… blamed each other.”

Jim looks over at Sam.

“I’m not saying this isn’t about Dad- to an extent, it is. What I am saying is that there’s an underlying issue- it’s that she’s pushing you to do something you don’t want to do without any care for how you feel about it, and you know that but you don’t want to call her on it.” He shrugs, thinking of the conversation he overheard earlier. “And maybe she feels the same way about you, not understanding how she feels now that she’s lost her dad. Either way, you need to be able to communicate better, or you’re going to keep making each other miserable.”

Sam is quiet for a long moment before taking a shaky breath.

“What if there’s no fixing it? What if I can’t make her understand, and she keeps pushing?”

Jim sighs.

“Well, then you know that you have to move on.” He scoots a little closer to Sam. “I’m not gonna tell you it’s gonna be easy, because it’s not. Even if you make it through with your marriage in one piece, it’s gonna be hard.”

He smiles softly.

“But it’ll be worth it. I can honestly say that much.”

Sam sniffs, then looks away; Jim sees him wipe at his eyes, but decides to let him have his pride just this once.

“This sucks,” he mutters. Jim can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah,” he agrees, “it really, really does.”

Sam chuckles a bit, then takes a breath.

“Do you think it’d ruin Christmas if I brought it up tonight?”

Jim shrugs.

“You know her better than I do. I do think that there’s gonna be tension either way, but maybe you can at least get some of this off your chest.”

He pats Sam on the shoulder.

“Either way, not gonna be able to figure it out if you freeze your butt off on the roof.”

Sam snorts, then pushes Jim a little.

“Move it, then, I can’t get back inside if your butt’s in the way.”

It takes a little bit of careful maneuvering, and not a small amount of complaining from Sam, but they make it back inside without anyone falling off the roof.

“Hey, Jim?”

“Yeah?” Jim asks as he turns towards Sam. His eyebrows rise when Sam pulls him into a hug, but he smiles as he wraps his arms around him and hugs him back.

“Thanks,” Sam says quietly.

“Of course,” Jim replies as he pulls back. “I love you, you know that?”

Sam smiles.

“Yeah, I know. I love you too.” He sighs. “Well, I’d better get downstairs before Mom tries to call for a search party.”

“Might be too late for that,” Jim tells him, patting him on the shoulder. “Good luck.”

Sam smiles again, a little more tiredly this time, then takes a breath and heads downstairs. Jim’s just about to follow when his comm buzzes in his pocket again. He pulls it out to see that he has a new message from Spock.

Spock: Saavik told me to thank David for his gift to her. As you can see, she is quite pleased with it.

Attached is a photo of Saavik asleep in her bed, wearing the sweater emblazoned with a cartoon whale David had seen at a department store while with Carol and decided he absolutely had to give Saavik.

Jim grins from ear to ear.

Jim: Glad it fits. Though I’m not sure it’s meant for sleeping.

Spock: My attempts to convince her of that were unsuccessful. Likely because she was already past her bedtime at that point.

Jim: Ah, that’ll do it. 

He pauses for a moment, then starts typing.

Jim: Happy holidays, Spock.

There’s another pause before Spock replies.

Spock: Happy holidays, Jim.

Jim grins and starts typing a new message, but before he can even get halfway through another message appears.

Spock: I look forward to seeing you when you return next week.

Jim’s heart skips a beat, and he starts typing without really thinking about it.

Jim: Spock, would you like to get dinner with

He deletes that.

Jim: Would you ever consider going out on a date with another single

Deletes that.

Jim: I really like

Deletes that, then groans. Before he can start typing another potential friendship-ruining message, he gets a notification from another message thread.

Sam: Kids are sound asleep. We’re moving presents now.

Jim inhales, then exhales, typing a quick “okay” to Sam before navigating back to his thread with Spock. For half a second, he considers saying something embarrassing like “I miss you” or “I wish you were here” or “I want to kiss you really, really badly,” but shoves those thoughts in the back of his head as he types one last message.

Jim: Can’t wait to see you :)

With that, he shoves his comm in his pocket and heads downstairs to play Santa, thinking that if the jolly old elf were real, he’d ask for the guts to actually ask Spock out.

Notes:

meanwhile spock's like "what does that mean. why did he add a smiley face. why did he delete so many messages before he sent them"

happy holidays everyone! hope you enjoyed this jumbo-sized edition!

also, for transparency's sake, i did go back and edit some continuity errors that were bugging me

also also, i did some research into how adoption is handled within reform judaism, but if i got something wrong please tell me!

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "just for now" by imogen heap)

Chapter 19: gifts

Spock senses Saavik’s mind rousing to consciousness, signalling the end of his morning meditation. He pulls himself out of it, opening his eyes and taking a breath.

Just as he is about to put out his firepot, though, he feels a flare of excitement from her end of the bond. He pauses, listening to her get out of bed, then, for reasons he cannot quite explain, closes his eyes and resumes his meditative position. 

Small footsteps approach his doorway, then stop. He hears giggling as they resume, heading down the hallway. 

Spock opens his eyes and raises an eyebrow, arching it higher when he hears the refrigerator open. He puts out his fire pot, then rises to his feet as silently as possible, walking down the hallway and peering around the corner to look into the kitchen. He sees Saavik attempting to reach for the soy milk, but due to the fact that it is on a high shelf and also that she is only three, she is quite unable to retrieve it. He watches her try for another minute, then let out a frustrated noise and stamp her foot.

The image of her attempting to climb the refrigerator shelves to retrieve the soy milk flashes into Spock’s mind, at which point he decides it is time to intervene. He quickly walks over to the refrigerator, reaching over and grabbing the soy milk. Saavik startles, eyes wide as she looks up at him before her shoulders sag in disappointment.

“If you wanted soy milk, Saavik, you needed only to ask me,” he tells her.

Saavik shakes her head, and an image of a bowl of oatmeal on the kitchen table appears in Spock’s mind. He frowns, tilting his head slightly.

“I would have made you oatmeal if you asked. I am your father, feeding you is my responsibility.”

She shakes her head again. An image of Spock sitting at the table with said bowl in front of him, along with Saavik wearing a chef’s hat, appears in his mind, and something clicks in his brain.

“You wished to make oatmeal for me?”

Saavik nods. 

Spock has to admit, part of him is rather touched.

The other, larger part would rather she not destroy the refrigerator, and so he puts the soy milk back, closes the door, and picks her up.

“Where did you get such an idea?” He asks.

Saavik raises her hands to sign.

Meii’shi. She and her brother and dad made breakfast for their father.

“Ah, I see. While that is a kind gesture, Saavik, the difference is that Meii’shi had the help of an adult, whereas you were attempting to do it on your own. That could be dangerous, as you are still quite small. Do you understand?”

Saavik pouts, but nods.

“Good. Now, I will make us both oatmeal if you like.”

She nods, then raises her hands to sign.

Happy birthday.

Spock blinks, then nods.

“Thank you, Saavik.”

Saavik nods, then requests strawberries with her oatmeal. Spock agrees, then sets her down before moving to get to work in the kitchen.

Spock, of course, knew that today is his birthday. It had entered his mind upon awakening, but he had not thought much of it- no more than he did last year, when the only thing he did differently was a vid-call with his mother before beginning his shift onboard the Haadok that day. 

When one has not celebrated their birthday in any way since they were six, it becomes just another day, only significant in that the answer to “how old are you” changes.

Now, though, he has Saavik. 

Despite himself, he smiles.

Spock checks his PADD while they have breakfast, mostly looking over the enrollment sheet for his courses starting next week. He is about to answer an inquiry a student has sent him regarding the course on logistics when a vid-call request pops up, his mother’s face displayed in the caller icon. His lips quirk upward as he presses “answer.”

“Hello, Mother.”

Saavik’s shout of joy is muffled by the spoonful of oatmeal in her mouth; she swallows, then jumps out of her chair and runs over to climb onto Spock’s lap. She waves as his mother laughs softly.

“Hello, you two.” She smiles. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

“Thank you, Mother,” Spock replies.

“Do you two have any plans for today?”

Saavik nods, lifting her hands.

We are going to the park with David and his father.

“Oh, that sounds fun!”

David and I are going to build a sandman.

Spock’s mother blinks, furrowing her brow slightly.

“A… sandman?”

Saavik immediately launches into an explanation of how they plan to make a figure that resembles a snowman, but instead made out of the sand in the sandbox at the park. They discussed this plan extensively at their playdate on Saturday; Spock had exchanged a look with Jim, quietly agreeing that it was unlikely to work but knowing neither would believe them without first experiencing the failure personally. 

His mother follows along, nodding, but there is… something strange about her expression. She is smiling, as always, but it does not reach her eyes. For a moment, Spock is concerned that she is once again disappointed in Saavik’s lack of progress with verbal speech, but that is not it- her lips are not pressed in a false smile the way they are when she is disappointed and does not want to show it. 

This is something else, and Spock is not sure what.

“Well that sounds very fun, kan-bu. You two seem to have a lovely day planned out.”

Spock nods. 

“What of your day, Mother? Do you and Father have plans?”

It is briefly, so brief that Spock nearly does not notice, but his mother’s mouth twitches, upset flashing across her face before quickly being suppressed.

“Oh, your father’s quite busy today, I’m afraid. I’ll be on my own.”

Spock frowns. 

“I see. Mother…”

He trails off, glancing down at Saavik. She looks up at him, tilting her head slightly. 

“Yes, Spock?”

Spock presses his lips together, then looks up.

“It was pleasant speaking with you.”

Here, his mother smiles, and he knows from the way her eyes crinkle at the corners that it is genuine.

“I’m glad we got to talk too. I love you.”

“I have a high regard for you as well,” Spock replies. 

She smiles again, and they bid each other farewell. Once he has ended the call, he checks the time and places Saavik on her feet. 

“It is time to get dressed,” he tells her as he gets out of his chair. “It will be somewhat chilly out, so I will-!”

Saavik tugs on his pantsleg, and Spock pauses.

“Do you need something?”

An image of him kneeling at her eye level appears in his mind. Spock frowns, but does as requested.

“Yes?”

I have a gift for you.

Spock blinks, eyebrows rising.

“When and how did you get me a gift?”

I made it at daycare. Aira the assistant helped.

Spock purses his lips, but nods.

“Very well. I would be grateful to receive your gift, Saavik.”

Saavik nods, then runs over to her backpack, opening it up and reaching for a very small hidden pouch within the bag. She turns, running back to Spock with her hands behind her and a grin on her face. Spock receives a mental image of himself with his eyes closed and his hands held out in front of him.

“Very well,” Spock replies, closing his eyes and holding out his hands as requested. He hears Saavik giggle and bounce excitedly, then feels something small and plastic on his palms. An image of him opening his eyes appears in his mind, and he does so, looking down.

In his hands is a bracelet. It is made of a strong thread and a collection of multi-colored beads, seemingly put on the thread with no particular pattern save for the white beads in the center. They are adorned with black letters spelling out his name. 

Spock’s throat suddenly goes tight, emotion welling up in him. 

Being Vulcan, he has received very few gifts in his life, and has deftly controlled his reaction to most of them, expressing appreciation and moving on. 

This, though… 

This…

Concern prods at his mind, and when he looks up he sees that Saavik’s brow is furrowed.

Do you like it?

Spock nods, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Yes,” he tells her. “I like it very much.”

As if to demonstrate, Spock slides the bracelet onto his wrist, relieved that it fits- he suspects that if he had had to make adjustments in order for it to do so, Saavik would have been quite distressed.

As it stands, Saavik is smiling from ear to ear, surprising Spock when she rushes forward and wraps her arms around his neck. He hesitates for only a split second, silently wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. 

Through their bond, he feels love.

---

The park is not overly busy, something that Spock attributes to the weather, it being slightly later in the afternoon- two o’clock rather than their normal noon meeting time- and people returning to work after the holiday season. It is cold out, cold enough that Spock has wrapped a scarf around his neck and stashed one for Saavik in his bag, in case she gets cold enough to need one. Saavik is currently adjusting his scarf needlessly; he could tell her to stop, but he sees no reason to, as it is keeping her occupied.

“Spock!” 

Spock glances up, heart skipping a beat involuntarily when he catches sight of Jim standing next to the pond with David by his side. 

Saavik perks up, then, without warning, starts wriggling in his arms. She kicks him in the stomach while doing so, not hard enough to cause him pain but enough that he is startled into letting her go. His scarf goes with her, the gray fabric streaming behind her as she runs towards the pond.

When Spock looks up, he sees Jim turning away, hand covering his mouth as he clearly attempts to keep his shoulders from shaking with laughter.

Spock quickly regains his bearings, turning the blood flow away from the tips of his ears as he strides after her. 

“... brought the bucket and shovel I take to the beach!” David says as Spock approaches, holding up a plastic yellow bucket filled with implements of various colors stored inside. “Making the sandman will be easy!”

Saavik nods excitedly as Spock stops next to her.

“Saavik, I would prefer it if you would simply ask me to put you down rather than jumping out of my arms. I would also ask that you not steal my scarf.”

Saavik blinks, then looks down at her hand, seeming somewhat surprised that she still has the scarf in question. She holds it up, and Spock resists the urge to sigh as he reaches for it.

Just as he is about to grab it, a strong wind blows past them, knocking the scarf out of Saavik’s hand and straight into the pond.

For a moment, Spock is too stunned to react; from the looks on their faces, he believes everyone else is as well. 

“... well,” Jim finally starts, “that’s… not great.”

Spock does not reply to that. Instead, he walks over to the edge of the pond and peers into the water. His scarf is now soaked through and has sunk to the bottom. He resists the urge to sigh as he grabs a nearby stick to fish it out of the pond. When he does manage to get it out, it is covered in algae, mud, and other detritus Spock would prefer not to identify.

“Ewwww,” David murmurs. “That looks yucky.”

“Yeah, it does,” Jim agrees as he starts walking away from them. “Hold on for a minute, I’ll be right back!”

Spock watches as he jogs over to a nearby garbage receptacle and grabs one of the larger-sized waste-disposal bags. He jogs back, holding it out to Spock.

“Good thing people with larger pets take walks here, huh?”

Spock hums noncommittally, tamping down on his rising irritation at this situation as he turns the bag inside out. 

Possibly for the first time in his life, he is briefly glad that his parents put him in charge of taking I-Chaya on walks when he was a child, even if it is knowledge he has not used in the past twenty-seven years.

He resists the urge to grimace as he ties off the bag containing his soiled scarf.

“I have some hand wipes if you got any on you,” Jim offers.

“That is kind, but unnecessary,” Spock replies, his tone perhaps a bit clipped. He feels a tug on his pantsleg, and he looks down to see a remorseful Saavik looking up at him.

I am sorry, she signs. I did not mean to.

Spock closes his eyes, inhaling and exhaling through his nose.

“I understand that you did not mean for this to happen, Saavik. However, I would appreciate it if in the future you were more careful- at the very least, you could refrain from leaping out of my arms.”

Saavik nods. Spock switches the bag to his other hand, then reaches down to gently touch the top of her head. As he removes it, another cold wind blows past them, causing Spock to shiver before he can stop himself. 

“Oh, uh, hang on,” Jim says before taking off his backpack, pulling it in front of him. He opens it up and roots around in it for a moment before pulling out a blue scarf. 

Before Spock can say anything, Jim puts his bag down, then steps forward to wrap the scarf around Spock’s neck. Spock stiffens, forcing himself to appear outwardly neutral despite the way his heart rams in his side from Jim’s proximity. 

“There you are,” Jim says brightly once he has adjusted the scarf to his liking, though his hands are still resting on it. He only seems to realize how close he is at that point, ears reddening as he clears his throat and steps back. “Sorry. Probably should have asked before getting in your personal space.”

Spock fights back the urge to tell him that he can step into his personal space at any time, and in fact is free to touch him any way he likes, which is not something he believed he would ever want someone to do, let alone permit it.

He believes that might be… taken the wrong way. Or rather, the correct way, but he is unsure how Jim would react to it.

Additionally, it would be inappropriate to say so in front of the children.

“No apologies are necessary,” he says instead. “However, are you certain that you are alright with me having this?”

“Well, maybe not forever. I’d like it back at some point.”

“What if you need it while we are at the park?”

“Spock, I’m from Iowa. By my standards this is rather warm for this time of year. You, on the other hand, are a desert-dweller. I’ll live without a scarf- I’d rather you were comfortable.”

Spock swallows, fighting a flush as he glances away.

“... thank you,” he says after a moment. He reaches up, adjusting the scarf slightly, and Jim’s eyes fall on his wrist as he puts his backpack back on.

“Ah, I see Saavik gave you your present already.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“You were aware of this?”

Jim gestures at David.

“Someone spilled the beans a while ago.” Jim looks over at Saavik, smiling. “Great job, kiddo.”

Saavik puffs up her chest slightly, clearly pleased with herself.

“Psst! Daddy!”

“Hm? What’s up?”

David gestures for Jim to kneel down next to him, which he does. He then leans in, holding up his hand to cover his mouth as he leans into Jim’s ear.

“Can we give Mister Dr. Spock his birthday presents now?” He asks in a completely audible whisper. Jim bites back a laugh, nodding.

“Let’s go sit down first, huh?” He says, standing up. 

“Kay!” David replies, running off towards the nearest bench. Saavik runs after him, though neither is fast enough to get out of their sight.

“You did not have to get me anything,” Spock tells Jim as they start following the children.

Jim shrugs.

“No, we didn’t have to, but we wanted to. David was pretty insistent on getting you something, actually.” He grins. “Or, well, making you something.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise.

“David made me something?”

“Well, he’s not four for another month, I’m not about to give him a credit chip and let him go nuts at a department store.” He pauses. “Not that I’d give him a credit chip if he was four, of course. That seems like more of a sixteen-at-least thing, don’t you agree?”

“I did not receive my first credit chip until I was eighteen and studying at the Vulcan Science Academy.”

Jim shrugs.

“Guess it can vary. Anyway, back on topic, he’s very excited about it.” Jim smiles “He thinks you’re pretty cool, you know.”

Spock blinks, but before he can say anything they’ve arrived at the bench. David bounces up and down, fists balled up.

“Come on, come on, I want him to see!”

“Alright, alright, hold your horses,” Jim tells him as he walks over to the bench and sets his backpack on it. 

“I don’t have any horses, Daddy.”

“It’s an expression, honey.” Jim unzips his bag, pulling out two small gift bags, one blue and one green. He hands the blue one to David, who immediately turns and runs up to Spock.

“Happy birthday, Mister Dr. Spock!” David says cheerfully as he holds up the gift.

“Thank you, David,” Spock replies as he accepts the gift. He reaches for the tissue paper obscuring what is in the bag, at which point David shouts.

“No! You can’t open it like that!”

Spock pauses, looking down at him.

“I am uncertain how else I would open it. I cannot unwrap a giftbag.”

David shakes his head.

“No, you gotta sit down before you open a gift, cause those are the rules!” David looks up at Jim. “Right, Daddy?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, right! That’s- that’s definitely the rule.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but decides that it would be better not to make trouble for Jim (and Carol, in all likelihood), instead walking over to the bench and sitting down.

“Okay, now you gotta open Daddy’s present!”

“Why does he need to open my present first?” Jim asks as he hands Spock his gift.

“Cause mine’s better and you have to open the best one last.”

“Wh- well, ‘better’ is subjective.”

“Nah-uh. Mine’s the best one.”

Saavik makes an offended noise.

“Oh, yours is really good too, Saavik!”

Saavik huffs. Jim rolls his eyes, but inclines his head in Spock’s direction.

“Well, go ahead then, Spock.”

Spock nods, pulling out the tissue paper and setting aside before pulling out a paperback novel. The name “Agatha Christie” is printed at the top in large, red, embossed letters above an image of a gray bottle with part of a skull and crossbones on it. The title “The Mysterious Affair at Styles” follows the shape of the bottle, and there is a circular red sticker with the words “Poirot #1” and a black mustache in the bottom right corner of the cover.

“The first Hercule Poirot novel?”

“Yeah, you told me that you’d never read them when we were playing chess, so I figured it would make a good gift.”

Spock blinks, looking over at Jim.

“That conversation took place in October.”

Jim shrugs.

“I wrote it down. Admittedly I didn’t know when your birthday was, but I figured I’d find out in time.”

Spock swallows a sudden lump in his throat, his grip on the book intensifying for a moment.

“I… thank you, Jim, this is very thoughtful.”

Jim smiles at him.

“Of course. I’m glad you like it.”

“Okay, now you can open mine!” David declares, pointing at his gift. Spock nods, putting the book aside and turning his attention to the bag. He pulls out the tissue paper, then reaches into the bag, surprised when his fingers touch something smooth. He raises an eyebrow, then grabs onto whatever the gift is and pulls it out.

He blinks at what he finds.

In his hand is a small clay sculpture, one that was clearly made by a small child. The head is slightly larger than the body, both somewhat lumpy, and has two small triangular pieces sticking out of it. The body is painted black while the head is painted black and green; the black on the head somewhat resembles a Surak-style haircut, though the bangs are slightly sloped. The final touch is the addition of a small, frowning face, complete with upturned eyebrows.

“Is… this meant to be me?”

“Uh-huh! I molded the clay and painted it and then Daddy put it in the oven so it would be strong and not break!” David informs him. “Do you like it?”

Not for the first time in his life, Spock is grateful to be Vulcan- at his age, openly crying in a public park is generally frowned upon.

“Yes,” he says, keeping his voice as level as possible. “You have done an excellent job, David.”

David beams, then picks up his bucket.

“Come on, Saavik, let’s go play!”

Saavik nods, and the two run off without another thought, David chattering excitedly about their sandman plan.

Spock swallows, then silently returns the gifts to their bags, putting the tissue paper on top of them before opening his own bag to store them.

Jim clears his throat next to him.

“Are, um… are you alright?”

Spock pauses as he places the bag with David’s sculpture in it, looking over at Jim.

“What do you mean?”

“Just- well, you seemed a bit… taken aback by the gifts, I suppose.”

Spock hesitates, then turns to look in his bag and rearrange its contents unnecessarily.

“I simply was not expecting such thoughtful gifts. That is all.”

“Are you sure?” Jim hesitates for a moment. “You know, it’s- it’s alright if you don’t like the-!”

“I like the gifts,” Spock says quickly- perhaps too quickly. He clears his throat, holding back a flush. “I would not lie about something like that- not to you, and especially not to David.”

Jim smiles, then furrows his brow.

“Then what is it? You seem tense.”

Spock purses his lips, then sighs.

“Vulcans do not typically celebrate their birthdays. I celebrated Saavik’s because she asked to do so, and I felt it was a way for her to experience another culture, but I have not celebrated my own since my sixth.”

Jim blinks at him.

“I’m sorry, you haven’t celebrated your birthday since you were six?”

“No, my sixth birthday was celebrated. My seventh was the first one where there was no celebration.”

“What about your mother? Didn’t she ever want to do something for you?”

Spock swallows as he puts his bag down.

“She did. I asked her not to.” He swallows again. “And until this morning, I have not doubted that decision since I was eight.”

Jim’s expression softens, but he remains silent for a moment.

“Well… what if we celebrate a little more today?”

Spock looks over at Jim, eyebrow raised.

“Even if I were partial to parties, Jim, I do not believe there is enough time for you to plan one today.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“No, nothing as involved as that. I just thought I could take everyone out for ice cream- vegan, of course.”

Spock blinks.

“Ice cream?”

“You’ve thrown a birthday party, Spock, surely you know that dessert is an essential part of any birthday celebration.” He smiles. “Though of course, it’s only a suggestion. You should celebrate- or not celebrate- your birthday any way you prefer.”

Spock considers this for a moment, glancing over at the children, then nods.

“I suppose ice cream would not be amiss.”

Jim grins at him, and Spock’s stomach flip-flops.

“Great! There’s this nice little place across the street from here, we can go in a little while…”

---

There’s a chime from above the door as they walk into the shop. It’s relatively small, dominated mostly by two large cases of different flavors attended by a bored-looking Bajoran attendant, currently reading a book. The walls are painted pink and green, with a large mural on one of the walls, and the floor is made up of black-and-white checked tile. 

It is… quaint, he decides. 

It is also quite empty, hence the sole employee not paying attention.

Jim, undeterred, walks up to the counter with a smile.

“Evening,” he greets the employee.

The employee glances up, expression blank.

“Hello, and welcome to DiAngelo’s…” The employee trails off from his unenthusiastically-delivered script as he makes eye contact with Spock, expression turning shocked. “Dr. Spock?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Yes. Have we met previously?”

The employee clears his throat.

“Er, yes, sir- well, sort of. I was in your Quantum Physics I class last semester, and I’m taking your lab next semester.”

"Ah, I see.” Spock does actually recognize him, now that he has gotten a better look at him. “Cadet Laren, correct?”

Laren smiles, though there is still a nervous energy in the way his shoulders are set.

“Yes, sir, that’s-!”

A sudden, incessant tapping noise interrupts their conversation; when Spock looks down, he sees that Saavik has pressed herself up against the glass window of the ice cream case, tapping on it rapidly with her left pointer finger.

Spock closes his eyes, takes a breath, then opens them again.

“Saavik,” he starts, “what have we discussed about not interrupting conversations?”

Saavik looks up with a pout; an image of her eating ice cream appears in Spock’s mind.

“I understand that you want ice cream, Saavik, but being rude will not get you what you want any faster.”

She puffs up her cheeks, then sighs loudly, finally acquiescing and takes a step back from the case. 

Spock holds back a sigh, looking back up at Laren, who seems slightly less tense for some reason.

“My apologies.”

“Oh, no, it’s- it’s alright, I’ve definitely dealt with worse.” He looks down at Saavik, smiling. “What can I get you, miss?”

Saavik thinks for a moment, then points at one of the tubs in the case. An image of a strawberry appears in Spock’s mind. 

“She would like a small scoop of strawberry in a cup,” he tells Laren. 

“Sure, coming right up.” He picks up the smallest cup available, then retrieves a small scoop of strawberry ice cream to put in it, placing it on the counter. “There you are, sir.”

Spock nods, picking the ice cream and a small spoon up. He places the spoon in the ice cream, then bends over to give it to Saavik.

“There you are. Please go sit down.”

Saavik nods, turning and running over to a nearby table.

“And what about you, sir?”

“I’m not a sir, I’m three,” David informs him.

“He’s being polite, honey,” Jim tells him.

“Oh. Can I have peanut-butter cup please?”

“Sure thing. What size?”

“The biggest you have! On a waffle cone!”

“Uh, he’ll have a small scoop in a cup,” Jim corrects.

“Awww,” David whines.

“Sorry, buddy, don’t wanna spoil your dinner.”

“But dinner isn’t for forever!” 

“It’s in three hours.”

“Forever!”

Jim chuckles, shaking his head before taking David’s ice cream from the counter.

“There you go. Go sit with Saavik, alright?”

“Okay!” David replies, prior anguish immediately forgotten as he runs over to join Saavik at the table. 

Jim shakes his head again, then looks back at the case.

“Can I get a small scoop of salted caramel in a cup?”

“Of course, uh… Commander Kirk, right?”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“That’s correct. I don’t believe I’ve had you in any of my classes, though.”

“Oh, no, I’m on the Sciences track,” Laren explains as he gets Jim’s order. “My roommate’s taken a few of your courses, though. Pavel Chekov?”

“Ah, yes, I remember him. Studious young lad.” Jim takes his ice cream, nodding once. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Laren smiles as he looks over at Spock. “And you, Dr. Spock?”

Spock looks over at Jim.

“What would you recommend?”

Jim shrugs.

“Well, considering the date, I have to think that birthday cake is rather fitting.”

Spock looks over at the tub containing the pink and blue ice cream, noting the colorful sprinkles mixed in, then turns his gaze to the next tub over.

“I will have a small scoop of blueberry swirl in a cup,” Spock informs Laren.

“Coming right up,” Laren confirms before getting Spock’s order. “There you are. And, uh, happy birthday, sir.”

Spock nods, taking the cup as Laren turns to the register.

“Alright, four smalls… that’ll be ten point two-five credits, please.”

Spock immediately goes to get his wallet out of his pocket.

“Hey, I told you, I’ll pay,” Jim chides him in a light tone.

“I do not mind.”

“Well, I do. Let me treat you and Saavik for your birthday. Call it a gift.”

“You already gave me a gift.”

“Call it a favor, then.” Jim smiles at him. “Come on, please?”

Spock will never admit that his resolve immediately crumbles, pausing for a moment just to have plausible deniability.

“Very well.”

Jim grins, then pulls out his wallet and gets out his credit chip to pay. 

“Thank you very much,” Laren says once the transaction is complete. There is something odd about his voice, as if he’s just noticed something for the first time. “Please come again.”

Jim nods as he and Spock begin walking toward the table, where David has already consumed much of his ice cream judging by how much of it has ended up on his face.

“Aw, buddy, we’ve talked about this,” Jim says as they approach the table. “You’ve gotta use a napkin, remember?”

“Sorry,” David tells him, voice slightly muffled by peanut butter and chocolate.

Jim sighs, then gestures at the table.

“After you.”

Spock nods, taking the seat across from Saavik. She has eaten at a slightly more sedate pace, but he feels her delight swirling through their bond.

“Is yours good, Saavik?” Jim asks as he sits down.

Saavik nods as she takes another bite, then pauses in what Spock has come to recognize as her “considering something” expression. After a moment, she scoops up a bit more of her ice cream, then holds the spoon out to Jim.

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“Oh, um, is- is that for me?”

Saavik nods, leaning forward in her seat to try and get her spoon closer to Jim’s face. Spock opens his mouth to tell her to pull her arm back, but Jim smiles before he can get a word out.

“How about I use my own spoon to take a bite, hm?”

Saavik considers this, then, with all the magnanimity a three-year-old can possibly have, nods. Jim smiles, then reaches over the table, taking a small bit of her ice cream and eating it.

“It’s really good! You have great taste, kiddo.”

Saavik kicks her legs, pleased, then returns her attention to eating her ice cream.

“I’m sorry, Mister Dr. Spock.”

Spock turns to David, arching an eyebrow.

“For what are you apologizing?”

“I can’t give you any of my ice cream,” David explains, tipping his cup over just enough for Spock to see into. “I ate it all already.”

“Ah. That is generous, David, but even if you had not eaten it all I could not have had any, since it contains chocolate.”

“Why can’t you have chocolate?” His eyes widen. “Are you allergic?”

“No, but it will make me sick. Saavik cannot have chocolate either for that reason.” Not until she is much older, at any rate. “Vulcans cannot consume chocolate without experiencing adverse effects.”

“How come?”

Spock thinks for a moment.

“Do you know what evolution is, David?”

“Um… it’s how species change over time, right? Like monkeys and apes and people being one thing a long, long time ago but being different things now?”

“That is correct, if somewhat oversimplified. I assume your mother taught you that?”

“Mmhm! When we went to the zoo!”

“I could have taught him that,” Jim protests, though he is smiling.

“Yes, but it is more likely that his mother, a scientist, would have.”

Jim puts on a false pout for only a second before smiling again.

“What does the monkey thing have to do with why you can’t have chocolate though?”

“What you have described is known as divergent evolution- the process by which a population of a particular species grows to differ so much from other populations of the same species that it becomes a separate species of its own. However, there are other forms of evolution, such as convergent evolution, which is where two species evolve to have traits with similar functions, but their last common ancestor did not have those traits. This can occur with species separated by time, biome, or indeed, even different star systems. In our case, this relates to a plant on Vulcan that…”

David’s eyes are wide as he nods along to Spock’s explanation, clearly fascinated by the concepts Spock is introducing- in a way, it reminds Spock what he enjoys about teaching. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jim grinning.

---

Once they are finished with their ice cream- and David has been wiped down- they return to the park for a short while, mostly to allow the children to run around and deplete some of their energy. When the sun begins to set, they decide it is time to depart.

“So,” Jim starts as they walk towards the parking lot, “pretty good birthday?”

Spock considers this for a moment, then nods.

“I believe so, though I have very little personal experience with such things.”

Jim smiles.

“Glad to hear it. And hey, you can always celebrate a little more next year if you want.”

Spock’s lips quirk up in a small smile despite himself.

“Perhaps.”

They are both quiet as they reach the point where the sidewalk meets the parking lot.

“You know, if you’d like we could-!”

Jim suddenly cuts himself off, and Spock frowns as he looks over at Jim.

“We could…?” He prompts.

The tips of Jim’s ears redden, and he shakes his head.

“Ah, nothing. Don’t worry about it, it’s not important.”

Spock purses his lips as they approach their cars- coincidentally parked next to each other. He debates with himself as they both strap their children into their car seats, then comes to a decision.

“Jim?”

“Mm?”

“I would like the chance to decide whether what you were going to say was important.”

Jim looks over at him, furrowing his brow.

“Uh… come again?”

“What you were going to ask me,” Spock clarifies, “while we were walking into the parking lot.”

Jim blinks before his eyes widen, face reddening.

“I, uh…” He glances away, visibly swallowing. “I mean, it really wasn’t important.”

“As I said, I would like to decide that for myself.”

Jim purses his lips, face still flushed as he hesitates.

Then, he takes a deep breath and looks Spock in the eyes.

“I was thinking that… maybe sometime we could do something just the two of us. Grab dinner, or see a holo-film, or something.”

Spock blinks, tilting his head slightly.

“Only if you want to,” Jim clarifies before Spock can say anything. “If- if you’re too busy, or… I understand if you’d rather not-!”

“I would be amenable to spending time together in a one-on-one capacity.”

Jim’s head jerks up, eyes wide.

“Wait, really?” 

“I would not have agreed if I did not want to.”

Jim blinks before his entire face lights up, lips spreading in an ear-to-ear smile.

“That’s- that’s great! I- wow, I’m… I’m glad to hear a yes, I have to admit.”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Did you believe I would say no?”

Jim laughs softly.

“My nerves almost got the better of me, I’m afraid.” 

“Daaaaaaad, let’s goooooooo!” David whines from within Jim’s car.

“Alright, alright.” He slides the door closed, then turns back to Spock. “I’ll message you later about potential places to eat, how does that sound?”

“That would be satisfactory.”

Jim grins again, rolling back and forth on his toes.

“Great, I’ll- I’ll message you when we get home, then.” 

“I look forward to it.”

Jim nods, then walks over to the driver side door. He glances over at Spock one last time, still grinning, then gets into his vehicle, driving away a moment later.

Spock slides Saavik’s door closed, then gets into the driver seat and turns on his vehicle.

As he drives away, he cannot help but wonder at Jim’s strange nervousness and relief at his agreement.

After all, why should one be so nervous about asking to spend time with a friend?

Notes:

>:3c

hbd spock you oblivious vulcan u

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 20: you and i will share the weight (growing stronger day by day)

Notes:

tw: panic attack, internalized ableism, referenced starvation, non-graphic depiction of a massacre, non-graphic depiction of a corpse

David practically runs out of the elevator the second it stops on Carol’s floor; Jim barely manages to catch him by the hood of his jacket before he’s out of his reach.

“Aw, Daddy!”

“What have we said about running indoors?”

David groans.

“David.”

“That I shouldn’t unless it’s a place where that’s allowed,” David recites, clearly annoyed.”

“That’s right, and what are we going to do right now?”

“Walk to Mommy’s front door.”

“Right again. Hold my hand, okay?”

David huffs, but acquiesces, allowing Jim to take his hand as they start walking toward Carol’s apartment. Jim knocks on the door, then shifts his grip on David’s bag as they wait for Carol to answer.

“Mommy!” David yells when she opens the door, immediately running to her. Carol laughs, kneeling down to catch him in a hug.

“Hello, darling!” She greets. “Did you have a good week with your dad?”

“Uh-huh! We saw a holo-film and played with blocks and we saw Saavik and Mister Dr. Spock on his birthday and got ice cream!”

“Oh, you did?”

“Mmhm! Mister Dr. Spock told me about how chocolate and a Vulcan plant both make Vulcans sick in the same way cause they evolved to be the same!”

“You mean convergent evolution?”

“Yeah, that! It's like the thing you told me about at the zoo, but the other way!”

Carol smiles as she stands up. 

“Well, I’m glad you had such a good time. Take your things to your room, alright?”

“Okay!” David chirps, taking his bag from Jim and running off towards his room.

“Does chocolate actually make Vulcans sick?” Carol inquires once David is out of earshot.

Jim shrugs.

“‘Sick’ was probably more appropriate than telling him that chocolate gets Vulcans drunk.”

“Oh, really? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, Spock told me a couple months ago, I was surprised too.”

“Mm. Well, I’m glad you two got to spend time with them. I know how excited David was about giving Spock a birthday gift.”

“Oh, yeah, Spock loved that.” He grins. “I think he had a great birthday overall, actually.”

Carol blinks, then narrows her eyes at him.

“What?” 

“Nothing, it’s just… you seem happy.”

Jim furrows his brow.

“I don’t think I’m a particularly miserable person, so I can’t imagine that’s that much of a shock.”

Carol rolls her eyes.

“You’re happy like something good happened, you smart aleck. What’s going on with you?”

Jim can’t help the grin that spreads over his lips.

“Well… I might have asked Spock out.”

Carol’s eyes widen. She folds her arms across her chest, inclining her head slightly.

“And?”

“And he said yes.”

Carol smiles from ear to ear.

“Oh, Jim, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!” Her eyebrows rise. “Oh, I need to send you those articles I found!”

Jim blinks as she walks towards the living room.

“Articles about what?”

“You know, how to bring a new partner around your children, blending families, those kinds of things.”

Jim blinks again.

“Carol, it’s one date. I think you might be putting the cart before the horse a little bit here.”

“I know, but if things go well, don’t you want to be prepared?” Carol asks as she picks up her PADD. 

“Well, yes, but it’s a bit late for a lot of the standard advice- David has already met Spock, for example, and I’ve already met Saavik. Hell, we all saw each other three days ago.”

“You could still use some of this, like- oh, like making sure that you make the first meeting- okay, the first meeting after telling them about the relationship- is somewhere that’s low-stakes and relaxed!”

“Carol, three days ago Saavik tried to give me some of her ice cream and David was sad he couldn’t offer any to Spock. I don’t think there’s a tension problem here.”

Carol huffs as she taps her PADD.

“Well, I’m sure there’s something here.”

“Maybe, but- look, where’s this coming from?” He hesitates. “Are you- if you’re not alright with this-!”

“No, no, that’s not-!” Carol grimaces, then lets out a sigh, covering her face with her hands. “God, I’m sorry, Jim, I’ve been overbearing again, haven’t I?”

“You haven’t been overbearing. You’re as much David’s parent as I am, and I value your opinion. If you think this is too much too soon, I can tell Spock that.”

“No, I just…” Carol runs her hands through her hair. “I suppose part of that conversation I had with Aurelan, it kind of got into my head. You know how badly both of my parents did with the whole ‘big happy blended family’ thing, I don’t… I don’t want that for David.”

Something in Jim’s chest squeezes, and he takes a step forward, putting his hands on Carol’s shoulders.

“Look, it’s one date, so Spock and I haven’t exactly had the ‘big happy blended family’ conversation yet. I don’t even know if we’ll need to, but I doubt we’re going to be moving in that direction for a while yet even if we do. And if- if- that happens, I personally will want to do it slowly. Like, glacially. I understand why you’re worried, Carol, but I’m not going to rush this. I doubt Spock will either. Both of us want what’s best for our kids, first and foremost.”

After a moment, Carol smiles.

“Alright. I trust you.”

Jim smiles, letting go of her shoulders.

“Thank you. I promise, you have nothing to worry about. I mean, it would be a hell of a thing to suddenly foist a sibling on someone.”

“Who’s getting a sibling?”

Jim and Carol both jump a bit as they turn to look at David.

“Uh… well, n-nobody, sweetheart.”

David frowns, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes.

“So you guys aren’t having a baby?”

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

“What?”

“Sweetheart, we’re divorced.”

“But what about that show you were watching where the lady had a baby with her ex-husband after they got divorced?”

Jim blinks, then looks over at Carol with a raised eyebrow.

“Soap operas? Really?”

“It was a regular drama, thank you,” Carol protests before turning back to David. “No, dear, we’re not having a baby.”

David nods.

“Good. I don’t want a baby. You can’t play with babies cause all they do is nap and poop and cry.”

Jim chuckles.

“Alright, noted. You get to keep being the baby of the family.”

David pouts.

“I’m not a baby, I’m almost four!”

Carol laughs as she walks over to him, scooping him up in her arms.

“You’ll always be our baby, darling.”

David squirms and protests as she kisses his cheek, and Jim just grins.

---

Jim catches sight of Spock walking towards the elevator just as he walks into the Command building. He grins, breaking into a light jog.

“Spock!” He calls.

Spock looks over at him, that micro-expression that Jim translates as “pleased” crossing his face as he runs up to him. 

“Hello, Jim.”

“Hey, good afternoon,” Jim replies as he adjusts his bag’s strap on his shoulder. “How’s the first day of the semester been treating you?”

“Well enough. And you?”

“It’s been going pretty well. Glad to get a break. Lunch?”

Spock nods.

“That would be acceptable.” Spock turns to the lift, pressing the call button; Jim grins when he sees that he’s still wearing the bracelet Saavik gave him for his birthday.

They chat about their classes on the way up, mostly about how Spock is fairly sure students in the back rows of his first class were sleeping.

“Short of buying a foghorn, there’s nothing you can really do to stop them,” Jim tells him as the lift reaches their floor.

“I do not believe setting off a foghorn would be a good idea,” Spock tells him, “if for no one’s sake other than my own.”

Jim shrugs as the door slides open.

“Well, when grades start coming in then those students’ll have their own reasons to stay awake during class.”

“Indeed,” Spock replies as they step out of the lift. “Jim?”

“Mm?”

“While we are here, I have something I need to give you.”

“Oh?”

“The scarf you lent me. I was unsure if it was safe to machine wash and dry, so I did so by hand.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“Then it is safe to machine wash and dry?”

“Well, yes, but you didn’t have to go to so much trouble. I could have washed it.”

“I do not mind. It is only polite to wash a borrowed piece of clothing before returning it.”

Jim purses his lips, then shrugs.

“Well, if you say so.” He grins as a thought occurs to him. “You know, it’s almost too bad that you can’t keep the scarf.”

Spock blinks, then lifts an eyebrow again.

“And why is that?”

“Because I’m pretty sure that it looks better on you than it’s ever looked on me.”

Spock’s cheeks and the tips of his ears flash green so quickly that Jim probably would have missed it if he wasn’t looking right at him. He clears his throat, glancing away.

“Regardless, I would like to return it to you. It is currently in my office.”

Jim chuckles as Spock walks towards the elevator.

It’s nice, he thinks, being able to openly flirt with Spock like this. He’d felt a little reticent about it before, when he didn’t quite know where they stood; scaring Spock off was a major concern for a number of reasons. 

Now, though, with their mutual interest out in the open, it’s all too natural to let himself be as flirty as he likes.

To an extent, at least. Normally he’d touch the other person a little more, but Spock isn’t like anyone he’s ever been interested in before, and he’s not entirely certain what Vulcan protocol around touching is.

Still, even this much is enough, a relief compared to the days of stumbling over himself to not push too far or too hard.

Being this comfortable with someone again is nice, especially since that someone is Spock.

“Oh, Dr. Spock, there you are!”

Jim turns his gaze to the young woman standing in front of Spock’s office, raising an eyebrow.

“Cadet Stafford,” Spock says. “I was not expecting to have anyone come into office hours today.”

“Which is why I came in! That way I know you’re not too busy to talk about the project you assigned.”

Jim bites back a snicker as Spock raises an eyebrow.

“The logistics project that is due at the end of the semester and was assigned two hours ago?”

“Well, you posted the syllabus a week ago. I’ve been thinking it over, and I really think I have a great idea for it!”

Spock nods.

“Very well, what is your idea?”

“I was thinking I could do my project on how the Tarsus IV disaster happened and could have been avoided.”

It’s like being hit with a bucket of ice water. 

“Cadet, the syllabus was clear- your project must be on an event that occurred at least fifty years ago.”

“I know, sir, but I was hoping you might make an exception. I’ve been doing a lot of research and…”

She keeps talking, but her words turn to gibberish in Jim’s ears. 

Okay. 

Breathe in, breathe out.

He clenches his hands, then unclenches. 

Relax. It’ll pass. 

It always does, and he will be fine. 

He’s safe here. There’s nothing to worry about. 

He will be fine.

He will be fine.

He will be-

“Commander Kirk?”

Spock’s voice slashes through his thoughts. 

Spock is looking at him.

Spock is looking at him.

Spock is looking at him, he is seeing him- seeing him-

He can’t feel his toes.

Increasingly can’t feel any part of his body save for his heart pounding in his chest.

Spock’s mouth is moving, he’s saying something, he doesn’t know what. 

He nods, then turns around, his body moving toward his office door. His hands fumble uselessly with the door before he finally gets it open. It shuts behind him a second later- he doesn’t remember stepping inside.

He hears something drop on the floor- his bag, probably? He’s not sure.

He feels like he’s on a mountaintop, like the air is thin and he’s struggling to get any of it into his lungs, his chest burns and he has something, something for this, where is it, it’s probably expired by now but it’s better than nothing, is it even here? Did he leave it at home because he hasn’t needed it for over a year, why was he so stupid to think he’d never need it?

Fuck. 

Okay. He needs to move, moving around always helps, if he moves he’ll be fine.

Except he can’t move. He can’t breathe, so he can’t move. There's a tightness in his chest and his heart is pounding pounding pounding and oh god is he having a heart attack? Is he going to die?

He’s going to die.

He’s going to die in his fucking office, with his son around a thousand feet away, he’s going to die three weeks before his birthday and ruin that for him, he’s going to ruin David’s life because he can’t let go of something that happened when he was thirteen, because he’s a crazy person and now Spock knows that-

The world goes dark. 

For a second, he thinks, oh, I did die. 

But that doesn’t make sense, actually. His heart is beating, beating too hard and too fast but beating all the same, so he can’t be dead. 

He’s being pushed somewhere; after a second, he lands on something soft, and something else soft is placed in his lap. He feels his arms being moved until his hands are on top of the soft thing in his lap.

A voice tells him to grab it.

It’s deep, and soothing.

It’s nice, so he does as it asks. 

Whatever the thing in his lap is, it’s soft and solid beneath his fingers. He squeezes, kneads it, pulls on it, and slowly…

His heart slows down, the knot in his chest loosening. The air’s not as thin anymore, entering his lungs easily.

He can feel his toes again, and eventually the rest of him comes back too. 

Jim blinks, exhaling slowly as his vision comes back into focus.

His office is dark, both because the overhead lights are off and the blinds are still drawn shut like he left them when he came in over the weekend. He’s sitting on the loveseat, and he’s got one of the throw pillows in his lap. 

His face is wet- a mixture of sweat and tears, he realizes.

Spock is standing in front of him.

Jim’s stomach drops. He swallows, glancing away and shifting around.

“... sorry about that,” he murmurs after a moment.

He sees Spock’s shoulders relax out of the corner of his eye.

“Are you al…” Spock trails off, then clears his throat. “Have you recovered?”

Jim resists the urge to hug the throw pillow to his chest, instead putting it to the side.

“Y-Yeah, I- I think so.” He clears his throat. “Where’s Cadet Stafford?”

“She left shortly after you did.” Spock moves his hands behind his back. “Are you certain you are alright?”

Jim shifts again, propping his elbow up on the arm of the couch and trying to ignore the way his skin tightens.

“Yes, I’m- I’m alright now. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Spock is quiet for a long moment. Jim can’t bring himself to look at him.

“Jim,” he starts in a gentle voice, “I admit that my experience with Humans is limited, but I do know what a panic attack is.”

That ice water sensation washes over Jim once more before being replaced with a hot rush of blood that turns his stomach. 

“That so?” He manages. “Well, I’m glad I didn’t manage to terrify you with my Human follies, then.”

“You are attempting to deflect with humor.”

“No, I’m being sincere, really.” He takes a breath. “I should- shouldn’t leave us in the dark. Lights at fifty percent.”

The room illuminates just enough for Jim to see the worried indent between Spock’s brows. He exhales slowly.

“Look, it’s- it’s fine. I’m fine. I just… need a moment to compose myself.”

He glances at the door, hoping Spock will catch his drift without having to actually say it.

Spock, unfortunately, doesn’t get it. He remains exactly where he is.

“Are you certain that there is nothing else you need?”

“Nope. Just a minute.” Alone. 

Spock is quiet, and for a moment Jim thinks he might finally get it, might finally turn around and let Jim put himself back together again-!

“If you would like to discuss-!”

“No, Spock, I wouldn’t,” Jim interrupts, perhaps a bit too harshly. 

“I have been told that discussing such things can-!”

“I don’t want to discuss it.”

“I understand, but I have been told that for Humans especially, bottling up your emotions is-!”

“For fuck’s sake, Spock, would you just leave me alone?!” Jim finally snaps, turning to glare at him.

He regrets it the second he sees Spock’s face. His brows pinch even as his eyes widen, mouth opening just a bit before snapping shut as his expression smooths back out to neutrality.

“Very well, then,” Spock replies stiffly. He turns away, leaving Jim alone in his office without another word. 

Jim swallows the sudden lump in his throat, stomach twisting. He squeezes his eyes shut, scrubbing a hand over his still-wet face.

“Fuck.”

---

Somehow, Jim makes it through the rest of the day. He’s never been more certain of the decision to always have the first day of class be a syllabus day- there’s nothing different about him dismissing them halfway through the allotted time than there would be for any other semester. 

Spock doesn’t message him. Jim tells himself he doesn’t have the right to feel hurt about that- after all, it’s what he asked for.

When he’s about to head home, he considers, just for a moment, dropping by the daycare to see David. He and Carol agreed that he wouldn’t do that during her custody weeks to make sure that he has equal time with both parents, not to mention the risk of distressing him. Plus, it’s not like he wouldn’t be calling him to say good night later, but after what happened earlier…

Jim makes himself go the long way around to the parking lot. Better to not allow himself to have to confront the urge at all.

He comes home to an empty apartment. 

His home is quiet, in a way it hasn’t been since David was born.

Most of the time, he’s okay with the quiet- sometimes even grateful for it whenever David’s been particularly three-years-old during his week.

Today, he misses his son something awful. When he’s here, Jim can go into parent mode, can put his own issues aside and focus on him.

Right now, he doesn’t have that. He’s alone with his thoughts. 

Not a place he wants to be right now, if he’s honest. He’s liable to remember when he’s like this-

remember the screaming, the gnawing hunger, the stench of rotting-

- and that’s about the last thing he needs today, if he’s honest.

So, he does what any mostly-responsible thirty-year-old divorced father would do when it’s not his week to have the kid.

He takes a long shower, orders a pizza with all of the toppings that David hates, puts on an Old Earth movie David isn’t old enough to watch, and vegs out on the couch for two hours.

A small part of him is grateful that Bones is somewhere in the Beta quadrant and therefore not here to yell at him about eating healthy.

Jim’s comm rings just as the credits roll on Dr. Strangelove; he clicks off the holovision and picks it up, smiling when he sees Carol’s name on the ID.

“Hi, Daddy!”

“Hey, kiddo. How was your day?”

“Good! We did fingerpaints and there was a storytime about this thing from Vulcan called a sehlat! It’s real big, but it’s nice and cuddly like a teddy bear!”

“Oh, a teddy bear?”

“Uh-huh! Saavik told me that her daddy had one when he was little!”

The mental image of a small, undoubtedly still very serious Spock with a giant teddy bear is impossible not to smile at, even if the mention of him makes his heart ache a little.

“I’ll have to ask him about that next time I talk to him.” Whenever that is. “Are you about ready for bed? Teeth all brushed and everything?”

“Uh-huh!” David pauses for a minute. “Daddy?”

“Yeah, bud?”

“Are you sad?”

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

“What makes you think I’m sad, sweetheart?”

“You sound sad.”

Jim winces, then clears his throat.

“Well, I… I guess I’m a little sad.”

“How come?”

“I’ve just been missing you a little more than usual today, that’s all.”

“Oh. Do you want to come to Mommy’s apartment and see me?”

“No, honey, that’s okay. We talked about this, remember? Your weeks with your mom are for you and her to spend together. Me coming to see you wouldn’t be fair to her, would it?”

“I guess not… but I don’t want you to be sad, Daddy.”

Jim smiles a little.

“I’m okay, David, really. Sometimes you just have to be sad for a little while. I know it’s not forever- after all, I’m going to see you on Saturday.”

“Yeah!” He pauses. “Wait, but then will Mommy be sad when I’m not here?”

Jim chuckles.

“Maybe, but you let the grown-ups worry about grown-up things, okay bud? We’re both always going to do what’s best for you, no matter what.”

“Mmm… okay! Can we do a story now?”

“I dunno, are you in bed?” Jim asks as he gets off the couch.

“Oh, um…” He hears small, rapid footsteps, as well as Carol laughing and calling out David’s name in the distance. A loud oof follows, along with some rustling of fabric. “Yes!”

Jim chuckles.

“And do you have a book you’d like to read?”

A beat passes.

“Mooooooooooom!”

Jim holds the comm away from his face as he laughs, shaking his head.

“What book would you like, dear?”

“Hmmm… Frog and Toad!”

Jim smiles as he walks into David’s room, heading over to the bookshelf and pulling his copy of Frog and Toad are Friends off the middle shelf.

“Alright, buddy,” Jim starts as he sits down on the chair next to David’s bed, “ready when you are.”

“I’m ready, Daddy!”

“Okay, okay. I love you, David.”

“I love you too, Daddy. Now story please!”

Jim laughs, then puts the comm on speaker. He opens up to the first page of the book.

“Spring. Frog ran up the path to Toad’s house. He knocked on the front door. There was no answer…”

By the time Frog and Toad are off to see the world in “spring,” Jim hears soft snoring from the other end of the line. 

“Out already?”

“Mm. He did have quite a big day, what with going back to daycare after winter break.” 

His comm pings with a message; when he opens up the app, he sees that Carol has sent him a picture of a conked-out David, mouth open and cheek pressed up against the pillow.

“Aw.” Jim turns his comm back to standard mode, holding it up to his ear. “We made a pretty cute kid, didn’t we?”

Carol laughs softly on the other end just as a door closes.

“That we did.” She pauses. “Jim?”

“Mmhm?”

“Are you alright?”

Jim blinks, then hesitates.

He’s told Carol about Tarsus, albeit way later than he should have. She’s helped him through panic attacks, seen him have nightmares and comforted him after, knows he’s been in and out of therapy since he was thirteen, knows that Tarsus isn’t the only reason for that.

And sure, she’s not his wife anymore, but she’s still his friend, right?

And yet…

“Yeah,” Jim says before he can stop himself. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

“Are you sure? You can tell me if there’s something wrong, you know.”

“I’m sure. I really was just missing David today, you know? Talking to him helped with that.”

It’s not fully a lie, at least.

“Well… alright, if you say so. I suppose I’ll talk to you at bedtime tomorrow, then?”

“You got it. Good night, Carol.”

“Good night, Jim.”

She hangs up, and Jim lets out a long, tired sigh. He scrubs a hand over his face, then gets up. He first puts the book away, then heads out into the hall. 

It’s only a little past seven. He could go to bed, but he’d probably be up at three if he fell asleep now. 

He huffs, then walks back toward the living room. His eyes catch on the book on the left end table- a recounting of Surak’s life and how his philosophy changed and shaped Vulcan society that Spock had recommended to him. He’s about a third of the way through, but he hasn’t had time to read more lately.

He has time now.

With a shrug, he sits down on the couch, grabbing the book and opening to where he’d left off.

Jim gets about five pages in before his focus wavers. 

It’s not unusual for that to happen- his medication has long since worn off, and he’s already had a rough day. Still, he keeps trying, moving so that he’s lying down on the couch.

He reads the same paragraph three times before he finally sighs and puts the book down on his chest.

Maybe if he just rests his eyes for a minute, he’ll be able to focus better. 

He just needs… a minute…

---

He’s running, he’s been running so long that his chest burns and his legs ache.

“Just a little further, Jimmy, we’re almost there!” His aunt promises. She’s holding a baby in her arms- their parents are a pile of ash on the ground, at best. 

The forest seems endless, darker and deeper with every step, but he keeps going, he keeps running, he can hear the shouting of the governor’s men behind them and if they catch him-

He’s sitting in the camp.

His aunt didn’t wake up four days ago. Something she ate.

His uncle took the body away. When he came back, he told them he was going to get more food, one way or another, and he’d be back soon.

That was three days ago. 

“I’m scared, Jimmy,” Kevin tells him, his eyes wide and wet. His face is too thin, too gaunt for someone who’s barely five, and Jim feels so empty and so much older than his thirteen years-

He found a body. It’s been made unrecognizable by starving animals, but the buzzing, the smell-

He’s behind glass. On the other side is almost too many people for his brain to comprehend.

“The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures.”

The guards force them back from the glass, worried murmurs rising from both sides of the glass.

“Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society.”

The murmurs get louder, morphing into shouts as the guards bark orders for them to stay back.

“Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony.”

People scream for their loved ones as Jim starts to shake. His aunt pulls him close, his uncle throwing a protective arm around them both.

“Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death.”

The people on the other side of the glass beat against it, trying to break it, crushing each other as they desperately plead for their lives.

A strange hum fills the air.

“Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, governor of Tarsus IV.”

There’s a flash, he hears his aunt scream, and-

Jim jolts up to a sitting position, a soundless cry escaping his lips. His heart rams in his chest as he gulps down air. 

The room is dark. Hours must have gone by, he’s set it to get dark after a certain amount of time with no activity just in case he falls asleep with the holovision on. 

He grips the couch cushion beneath him, and it’s just enough to ground him, to force his brain to realize that wasn’t real.

It was just a nightmare. 

He swallows the lump in his throat as he brings his knees up, pushing his face into his thighs as he takes a shaky breath. 

Some deeply buried, truly pathetic part of him imagines a pair of arms wrapped around him, stroking his back.

What’s worse is that it works- the tightness in his chest dissipates, the knot in his stomach undoes itself, and eventually, his tears dry up.

Jim swallows again, moving to rest his chin on his knees.

“Lights, twenty percent.”

The room illuminates just enough for him to see. His book was launched to the other side of the couch when he sprang up, and he grimaces as he realizes that he’s likely lost his place. He picks it up, trying for a minute to find it again before giving up and putting it back on the end table. 

His eyes catch on his comm, still on the coffee table where he left it. After a moment of hesitation, he grabs it, turning it on and navigating to his message thread with Gaila. He almost starts typing when he remembers- she’s on a date.

If his secondhand knowledge of her dates is at all accurate, she’s still busy, and probably will be until around dawn. 

Despite everything, his lips quirk upward.

“Good for her,” he mumbles before exiting out of the thread. 

He scrolls through his contacts- Bones and Nyota are always willing ears, but with time differences both are probably in the middle of their shifts. His parents are probably both asleep by now, and…

Well. Even if they weren’t, he’d rather not deal with the guilt in their voices around this particular topic.

Sam is out for all three reasons- while he’s probably not at work, it’s around dinnertime on Deneva, and he remembers him mentioning that he and Aurelan were going on a date tonight to try and “rebuild their relationship.”

Plus, Sam’s always gotten guilty about this too.

That leaves Carol, and… well, he just doesn’t want to bother her with this.

She’s his friend, but it’s not her problem anymore.

Jim groans as he stops scrolling, only to see that he’s stopped on Spock’s contact. 

He hesitates, then swallows and starts typing.

If nothing else, Spock deserves an explanation.

Jim: Hey

Jim winces, but before he can really regret the message Spock replies.

Spock: Hello, Jim.

One side of Jim’s lips quirks up involuntarily before falling.

Jim: I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that, you were just trying to help.

Spock: As you were clearly still somewhat distressed, I did not take it personally. I apologize for overstepping.

Jim: That’s alright. And it wasn’t personal, but I still shouldn’t have been so unkind to you. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at.

Three dots pop up, then disappear. A new set appears briefly before a new message arrives.

Spock: Very well. Though I do not believe it is necessary, I accept your apology.

Jim smiles for a second before taking a deep breath to steady himself.

Jim: I’m sure you’ve put together that my panic attack had something to do with what you and your student talked about.

Spock doesn’t reply for a moment.

Spock: I had surmised that, yes. However, we do not have to discuss it further.

Jim sighs.

Jim: I have to admit, that’s mighty tempting, but I feel like if I don’t tell you now it’ll just hang over us until I do.

His hands are trembling a bit. He swallows, closing his eyes to steel his nerves, then begins typing.

Jim: I was on Tarsus IV during the massacre.

He sends it before he can change his mind, eyes glued to his screen. 

Three dots pop up.

They disappear.

He stares at the screen for a full minute, heart sinking further into his stomach with every passing second. Panic begins to creep in again, cold in his chest and tight in his throat, but just when tears prick at his eyes his comm buzzes.

Spock: May I call you, or would it be easier for you to continue this conversation through instant messaging?

Jim blinks before his vision blurs for a new reason.

Jim: Give me a couple of minutes and I’ll call you.

Spock: Understood.

Jim sniffs, wiping at his eyes before getting off the couch. He takes a few deep, shaky breaths to calm himself, then heads to the kitchen for a glass of water. Once he’s drank that, he walks over to the bathroom and cleans his face, then heads to the living room and sits down on the couch.

Jim hesitates for a moment, then takes another deep breath and calls Spock.

He picks up on the first ring. Jim briefly wonders if he was sitting there waiting the entire time. The thought is oddly touching.

“Hello, Jim.”

“Hey. Um. I hope- hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“It is past nine thirty PM. Saavik has been asleep for nearly two hours now, and as today was the first day of the new semester I have nothing to grade. There is nothing for you to interrupt.”

“Only nearly two hours? I thought Saavik’s bedtime was seven.”

“She was unusually insistent upon staying up later than usual tonight and did not fall asleep until seven thirty-seven.”

“Ah, I’ve been through that with David- around the same time, actually. Could be that she doesn’t need a nap anymore.”

“I have noticed that she seems less tired around her typical naptime than she used to.” Spock pauses. “That is not the topic at hand, however.”

Jim winces, then sighs.

“Yeah, you’re… you’re right.”

“How are you?”

“Well, I’m not currently having a panic attack, so I’m doing better than I was earlier.”

Spock is silent on the other end. Jim winces again.

“Sorry. Bad joke.”

“I assumed as much.”

Jim huffs out a laugh despite himself. He then swallows, trying to hold back a rush of emotion.

“Sorry,” he mumbles after a full minute of silence. “I’m- I’m not very good at talking about this.”

“We do not have to speak about it now,” Spock offers. “Perhaps this would be easier in a face-to-face conversation?”

Jim sighs.

“It might be, but I know myself. If I don’t tell you now, I’m going to keep finding reasons to put it off, and I don’t want to have this hanging over me- hanging over us.”

He takes a breath.

“I didn’t… have a lot of friends as a kid. When I was thirteen, I really only had two, and by the summer I’d fallen out with one of them- in hindsight, we had romantic feelings for each other, but neither of us were emotionally mature enough to handle that yet. The other went to spend summer vacation on Mars with her grandmother, and since Sam wanted to spend his summer with his friends before he shipped off to the Academy, I was looking at a rather lonely few months.”

Jim swallows.

“That was when my parents made me an offer- there was a two-week camp on a colony in the next star system over, the one my aunt- Mom’s sister- and uncle lived on. We’d go hiking in the woods, learn survival skills and about the unique plant and animal life on the planet, that sort of thing. Once the camp was over, I’d spend the rest of the summer with my aunt and uncle.” He shifts a bit. “For a kid like me, it sounded almost too good to be true- I’d already all but entirely mapped the woods near our property, and I wouldn’t have to spend the summer worrying about running into the friend I’d fallen out with. I could even make some new ones.”

He takes another breath.

“The camp itself was wonderful. I learned, I explored, I made new friends- if nothing else had happened that summer, I would look back on it fondly.” He brings up his legs, wrapping his free arm around them. “A week after it ended, though… there’s a lot of theories on what happened, on how the fungus got onto the planet and into the crops, on how the comms system for the whole colony went offline in short order.”

Jim grips his leg.

“Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter. The governor, who everyone dismissed as being just a little odd with all his ideas and fine otherwise, made a decision.”

He swallows the lump in his throat.

“I guess you probably know what happened after that. There’s articles and reports about it, if heavily redacted and anonymized.” He takes a breath. “I’ve never been able to bring myself to read any of them. My parents didn’t turn on the news for almost a year after, just in case there was another story about it.”

Jim grips his leg.

“I don’t… the panic attacks aren’t as frequent as they used to be. For the first few months after, I don’t think I went a day without having one. But I went to therapy, I figured out how to handle it, how to keep myself from spiraling. I hadn’t had one in over eighteen months before today.”

He doesn’t tell him that the last panic attack from before today wasn't about Tarsus. He’s not there yet.

“When I know that it’s going to be a topic of discussion, I can usually handle it. I’ve managed it before, but today… I didn’t know it was coming, and…” He hesitates, then takes a breath. “I really don’t want you to take this the wrong way, Spock, but knowing that an attack was brewing in front of you, it- it made it worse.”

“... May I ask why?” Spock inquires after a moment. There’s no offense, no judgment in his voice- not that Jim expected there to be.

“Because I- I like you, Spock. I really like you, and I just- I don’t want you to think I’m-!” To think I’m crazy. “To think differently of me, I suppose.”

He swallows.

“But I- if it does change things for you, then I get it.”

“I fail to see why this would change anything for me.”

“Well, I- you didn’t exactly sign up for this, Spock.”

“I did not know about this, that is true. However, you are not required to disclose all past trauma upon meeting someone- indeed, from what I know of Human relationships such a thing is heavily discouraged.”

Jim chuckles despite himself.

“No, that- that would have been pretty bad manners.” He shifts on the couch. “Still, I… Spock, I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again. In fact, I can guarantee that it will, because even though I know my triggers, sometimes it’s impossible to avoid them.”

Spock is quiet for a moment.

“What you went through, Jim, was a tragedy. It was a horrific event that anyone, not least someone who was a child when it happened, would have lasting trauma from. I do not judge you for it, nor do I expect it to have no effect on you even years later.”

A lump forms in Jim’s throat.

“As for whether this changes anything for me, I see no reason why it would. You are still the same intelligent, kind man and excellent father that you have always been in the time I’ve known you. To disregard that because of something you cannot help would be the height of illogic.”

Jim sniffs, wiping at his eyes.

“... so, we’re… we’re still on for Friday, then?” He asks, mostly joking.

“Yes,” Spock replies- Jim can’t tell if he knew it was a joke or not, but he has to admit, the reassurance is nice. He exhales, leaning back on the couch.

“Thanks for talking with me,” he says quietly. 

“Of course. Though I am curious as to why you were ready to discuss this topic so late at night.”

Jim winces, clearing his throat as heat rushes to his ears.

“Oh, um… I actually… kind of had a nightmare. It- it helps to talk to someone, after, and since I owed you an apology anyway…”

“I see.” Spock pauses for a moment. “Would continued conversation still be helpful?”

Jim blinks, then smiles.

“Yeah, it would- actually, I do have something I want to ask you.”

“Yes?”

“Is it true you had a giant teddy bear when you were a kid?”

He can almost hear Spock raising an eyebrow.

“I had no plush toys- Ah. I recall Saavik telling me about this earlier. You are referring to the sehlat, are you not?”

“Yeah, that.”

“I suppose I-Chaya was rather bear-like, but I believe you are operating under a misconception.”

“Oh?”

“On Vulcan, the teddy bears are alive, and have six-inch fangs.”

Ah. Well, that mental image from before is slightly less adorable now- wait a minute.

“Spock,” Jim starts, unable to keep the delight out of his voice, “did you have a pet growing up?”

Spock huffs on the other end of the line.

“I suppose by Human standards, I did.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“That’s rather sweet, actually. Will you be getting Saavik one someday?”

“As a fully-grown sehlat is roughly the size of an American brown bear, I would first need a house with a large backyard. I would also need to move somewhere with a climate closer to Vulcan’s- Arizona, perhaps.”

“So, no sehlats, then?”

“No, I do not believe that will happen.”

“That’s too bad. Every kid should have a pet at some point in their life.”

“Did you have pets growing up?”

“Mmhm- well, depends on what you mean by ‘pet,’ I suppose. Remember, I was a farm kid, so the majority of the animals we had were either livestock or mildly feral barn cats.” He smiles. “I did get a housecat when I was about six, though.”

“You did?”

“Yep. Cute little orange thing, probably one of the barn cats’ kittens. Her name was Honey. She was mostly an indoor cat, but the year I was eleven she got obsessed with this black cat that started coming around…”

As Jim tells the story of how they thought Honey ran away, only for her to return a couple of months after disappearing with both the black cat- eventually named Shadow- and two kittens in tow, some hard, pained thing long lodged in his chest finally starts to soften.

It's not fixed- he's been at this long enough to know that some things can't be.

But maybe, just maybe, some of those wounds are finally starting to scab over.

Notes:

they can't all be silly stories about birthdays

thank you for 400+ kudos! comments are always appreciated!

(title from "talk to me" by cavetown)

Chapter 21: so we build from here with love in the foundation

Spock parks his vehicle in the lot next to the restaurant, glancing over at the chronometer. He grimaces when he sees that it is seven fifty-seven; he had hoped to already be waiting in front of the building at seven fifty-five, but traffic had not allowed that.

He flexes his fingers against the steering wheel, closing his eyes and exhaling.

There is no logical reason for his stomach to… flutter the way it has been since he left his apartment. It is only dinner, and it is with Jim, someone he has spent one-on-one time with before. They’ve eaten lunch and played chess together many times over the past few months, though much of the time they’ve spent together has been with their children involved.

And yes, this is a more formal setting- Jim described the restaurant as “children strongly discouraged”- but it is still Jim, who he knows and is comfortable with. 

He has no reason to be… nervous. 

With that, he checks to make sure he has his wallet and key fob, then gets out of his vehicle, locking it before walking toward the restaurant. 

Upon turning the corner, he sees Jim standing near the entrance, head down as he looks at his comm. Two seconds later, Spock’s own comm buzzes in his pocket, and Spock resists the urge to smile. Rather than answer, he begins to walk toward him, only to stop when he looks closer at Jim’s outfit.

Throughout the time that Spock has known Jim, there has been little variation in his personal style. Part of this is the requirements of his job- while as a civilian instructor Spock gets more leeway in how he dresses, Jim is required to wear the instructor uniform. Their meetings outside of work have exclusively consisted of playdates, so his outfits have been quite casual: blue jeans and sneakers paired with either flannel shirts, henleys, or three-quarters sleeve raglans that make his arms look… rather distracting, with a jacket added on as the weather became colder.

Tonight, however, Jim is not dressed casually or in his uniform. Instead, he is wearing a gray sportcoat, a white dress shirt, and black pants paired with brown derby shoes, the name of which Spock only recalls because his mother bought him a pair for his bar mitzvah. He has a silver watch on his left wrist, and upon closer inspection Spock realizes that he has on a pair of silver cufflinks. 

Spock swallows back the sudden flood of saliva in his mouth, fighting back the flush spreading across his face and to the tips of his ears.

It is at that moment that Jim looks up, and upon seeing the way his eyes light up and his mouth spreads into a smile when he sees him, Spock promptly loses that fight, even if only for a moment.

“Spock!” He calls, slipping his comm into his pocket as he jogs over to him. “Hey, right on time. I saw that traffic wasn’t great coming from your direction, I was a little worried.”

“Traffic was indeed a bit worse than I had anticipated, as I had aimed to arrive slightly… earlier…” Spock trails off when he notices Jim’s eyebrows rise. “Is something amiss?”

“Hm? Oh, um, no, just…” Jim clears his throat. “You’re wearing earrings.”

Spock’s stomach quivers, his hand going to touch one of the gold studs. 

“Saavik saw me deliberating on whether to wear them and insisted I do so.” He clears his throat. “Are they not to your liking?”

“No!” Jim says quickly. “I-I, I mean, I think they’re lovely, Spock, I just- I didn’t know you wore earrings, that’s all.”

“Ah. My ears are pierced in several places.” As are other places on his body, but he does not believe that is appropriate to bring up. “A bit of youthful rebellion on my part.”

“Well, they look very nice on you.” Jim looks him up and down, a smirk that a small part of Spock wishes he could call suggestive playing on his lips. “You look very nice tonight, Spock.”

Another flush burns through him before he can stop it, though he stops the near-involuntary smile just in time. 

“Thank you,” Spock replies. “I… felt it was appropriate to wear something slightly more similar to what I would wear in my day-to-day life on Vulcan, considering the restaurant.”

“Then I know I made a good choice, if I get to see you in that nice tunic of yours.”

Spock’s heart thuds in his side, and again he has to resist the urge to smile. 

He must admit, the slight change in Jim’s behavior over the past nine days has been… a bit strange. Before, he would get mildly flustered after complimenting him, usually apologizing for it. Now, however, he seems much less worried about how his compliments will be received.

Spock is uncertain what changed, but he must admit, he does enjoy it- though not for the reasons Jim would likely prefer.

In any case, it does allow him to be freer with his own compliments.

“You look nice as well.”

Jim’s cheeks turn pink, and he smiles at him.

“Thank you, Spock.” Spock hears a buzzing sound, at which point Jim takes his comm out of his pocket. “Ah, looks like our table’s ready. Shall we?”

Spock nods, allowing Jim to pass him. He follows him up to the door, at which point Jim opens it for him and gestures for him to go in. He does, waiting for Jim to come inside before following him to the host station.

“Hi, we have a reservation under Kirk?”

The hostess looks down at her PADD, then looks up and nods. 

“Right this way, sir,” she tells them, leading them into the dining area. 

Despite not resembling a Vulcan building in an architectural sense, the interior of the restaurant is decorated in an authentic Vulcan fashion, with tall columns, intricate tapestries, and a number of small, low tables that require one to sit low to the floor, all arranged around an open fireplace.

If Spock were inclined towards homesickness, this place may have soothed that somewhat.

“Pretty nice place, hm?” Jim comments as they sit down.

“Indeed. It is very authentic to the dining experience on Vulcan thus far,” Spock says as he picks up the menu left by the hostess.

“Well, the owners are Vulcan immigrants, so I’m guessing that’s a factor.”

“Most likely. Have you been here previously?”

Jim tenses a bit, clears his throat.

“Actually, I-!”

Before Jim can elaborate, a Vulcan woman in the same uniform as the other members of the waitstaff approaches them.

“Greetings. My name is Durga, and I will be your waitress this evening. Have you selected a beverage?”

“Ah, um- just water is fine.”

“Water is fine for me as well,” Spock tells her.

Durga nods, then leaves them to their conversation.

“You were saying?”

“Ah, yes, um.” Jim clears his throat. “The truth is, I’ve never been here before. I asked Gaila for a recommendation and she recommended this place.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“You have not eaten here yourself?”

“Well, it opened after David was born, and I haven’t exactly been able to go to any place this nice since then. I’m sure you’ve been in a similar boat since adopting Saavik.”

Spock nods.

“That is true. Though I rarely dined out before I became a parent. I prefer to cook my own meals when possible.”

“Oh, really? I didn’t know you liked to cook.”

“I find the process of creating a meal to be satisfying.”

Jim grins.

“That makes sense, considering you’re a scientist. I’m a pretty alright cook myself.”

“I know. The soup you made for Saavik and I when she was sick was quite good.”

Jim’s grin widens, and Spock’s heart stutters in his side.

“Well, coming from you that’s quite the compliment, Dr. Spock.” He glances back down at the menu. “Still, hopefully it’s as good as Gaila said. If it’s not, I’ll treat you to some ice cream after to make up for it.”

Spock tilts his head.

“Is the parlor near the park open?”

Jim chuckles.

“Yeah, I think so. Though there’ll likely be fewer sticky toddlers than there were on your birthday.”

“I never asked- why did you need to schedule that day’s playdate later than usual?”

Jim shrugs as he looks over the menu.

“Had to look over the newest version of the Kobayashi Maru before they launched it at the start of the new semester.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I did not know you were involved in the maintenance of that program.”

“Technically I’m not. They just need to make sure the firewalls can't reasonably be cracked by someone without firsthand knowledge of the Academy’s security measures. Since I’m the only person who’s actually managed to do that, and I work at the Academy anyway, they have me look through the code for backdoors they might have missed.”

Spock blinks.

“You… have hacked into the Kobayashi Maru before?”

“Yep.”

“... may I ask why?”

Jim shrugs again.

“I was a twenty-one-year-old idealist who hated the test’s core idea- that there’s such a thing as a no-win scenario. I found a way in, coded and implemented an end state where it was possible to save everyone without sacrificing your own ship. Then I took the test a third time to prove a point.” He smirks. “Don’t think I’ve ever heard someone be as passive-aggressive when giving out a commendation.”

Spock blinks again, opening his mouth, then closing it.

“That seems like a tremendous amount of effort for a test that has no bearing on graduation,” he says after a moment.

Jim clears his throat, looking slightly embarrassed.

“That’s fair. I just…” Jim thins his lips. “I wasn’t in the best place emotionally after the second time I took the test, even though I was assured by my professors that the results I got on both tests would put me on the path for command team placement. I might have gotten a bit… fixated.”

He smiles wryly.

“Probably didn’t help that my girlfriend at the time dumped me right after I took the test.”

“I am sorry to hear that.”

“Oh, don’t be. Would have been better off if the break-up stuck, honestly.” For a moment, Spock thinks he sees something sad flash behind Jim’s eyes, but it is gone too quickly to bring up. “Anyway, experience has taught me that things just aren’t that simple, but in a practical sense it helped me learn better programming. Honestly I’m amazed my addition didn’t outright crash the program on startup, it was pretty sloppy in hindsight.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Some would say that the fact that you were able to program and implement a win condition entirely through unauthorized access is impressive regardless of how clean the code itself was.”

“I’m not saying it’s not impressive, I’m saying that if I were to do it now, I’d be able to do it without the program being made up of spaghetti code.” Jim looks up. “Speaking of which, I see our waitress.”

Spock looks over his shoulder just as Durga arrives at their table.

“Are you prepared to order?” Durga asks.

“Yes,” Spock tells her. “I will have the pok tar.”

Durga nods, writing down Spock’s order and taking his menu before glancing over at Jim.

“And you, sir?”

“I’ll have the kleetanta with forati sauce,” Jim replies, pronunciation surprisingly smooth.

Durga nods again, writing down his order and taking his menu as well.

“Your meal will be out in a reasonable amount of time.” 

Jim appears to be holding back a chuckle as she walks away.

“I hope I didn’t completely butcher that.”

“Your accent was unexpectedly accurate,” Spock informs him. Jim beams.

“Glad to hear it. I spent enough time practicing.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“You spent time practicing the pronunciation of the dish you wanted to order?”

“Several, actually. They have the menu online, and I figured I’d practice a few different ones so I’d have a variety to choose from tonight.” Jim smiles. “I did think about the pok tar, but I decided the kleetanta sounded better.”

“Both dishes are typically well-liked by non-Vulcans, but I do think the kleetanta fits better with what I know of your taste.”

“Well, now I’m curious- what’s your favorite food?”

Spock tilts his head.

“Of the dishes available, I would say I favor the pok tar the most. That is why I ordered it.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“No, I mean, what’s your favorite food overall? Something you enjoy eating more than anything else.”

Spock thinks for a moment.

“Latkes,” he answers. 

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

“Really? I wouldn’t have expected that. Any specific reason?”

“My mother would make them when I was a young child, though she had to tweak her family’s recipe in order to make them compliant with the Vulcan diet.” He resists the urge to smile as he picks up his glass. “It was one of the first things she taught me to make, though I have never made them myself.”

Jim smiles at him.

“Have you ever considered making them with Saavik?”

Spock hums before taking a sip of his water.

“Perhaps one day.” He puts his glass down. “And you? What would you say your favorite food is?”

“Ah, well, now that depends.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“On what, exactly?”

“Do you want the respectable adult answer, or the actual answer?”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“What is the ‘respectable adult’ answer?”

“Aubergine parmesan. There’s a place near my apartment that makes it better than anywhere else in the city, if not in the state.”

Spock hums.

“And the actual answer?”

Jim grins.

“Funnel cake.”

Spock blinks.

“... funnel… cake?”

“It’s a dessert made by dropping cake batter or choux pastry into oil through a funnel. Doing it that way makes an overlapping circular pattern that gets deep-fried as one mass. I like it best covered in powdered sugar, but some folks prefer jelly or chocolate or what have you.”

“... and people… eat this?”

“Oh, all the time. It’s a highly popular snack at fairs.”

Spock hums noncommittally, and Jim laughs.

“Hey, yours is fried too, you know.”

Spock purses his lips, then inclines his head slightly.

“I suppose that is a fair point.” Spock pauses. “Speaking of which, what is a fair?”

“Oh, well, there are a lot of different types, but the kinds I’m talking about are specifically county and state fairs. There are rides, people show animals, you waste way too many credits on rigged games to try and get terrible prizes…”

---

Jim's explanation of various fair events (“Why would anyone eat so much pie?” “For glory, Spock. For glory.”) turns to discussion of various Vulcan cultural events (“So you celebrate Surak’s birthday?” “‘Celebrate’ is not exactly accurate. ‘Reflect on the events that led to our current way of life’ is.” “A lot of your holidays seem to require reflecting.” “We are Vulcan, Jim.”). 

More than once, Spock finds that Jim is looking at him with such softness that he stumbles while talking, quickly covering it up so as to not be obvious in his affections.

This is not that kind of event, after all. 

By the time that their food arrives, they’ve moved into a discussion about the discovery of the Kir’Shara and the subsequent Reformation.

“Ah, thank you,” Jim says to Durga as she puts his plate in front of him. “So, that one artifact, even almost completely untranslated, was enough to completely topple your government?”

Spock nods.

“Thank you,” he tells Durga as his plate is set down. “It contained the true teachings of Surak, much of which went against the government’s policies. With the addition of V’Las’ strange and illogical desperation to invade Andoria, a war many did not want, the end of the Vulcan High Command’s time was inevitable.”

Jim hums, taking his first bite of his kleetanta. His eyes widen a bit, and he makes a pleased sound before swallowing.

“Wow, this is really good!”

“Better than funnel cake?” Spock asks.

Jim snickers.

“Different foods require different metrics of judgment in my book. I’d say it’s about as good as that aubergine parmesan I told you about, though.” He takes another bite, then swallows. “Still, back to our conversation, it’s pretty amazing that one single artifact did all of that. I can see why Lady T’Pau was so determined to get it before High Command.”

Spock resists the urge to grimace at her name, taking a bite of his pok tar to hide his reaction.

“Her actions were indeed noble.”

“You know, I’ve always wanted to meet Lady T’Pau.”

Spock’s gut goes tight, skin prickling.

“She would not like you,” he says before he can stop himself. 

From the way Jim’s head jerks back and his eyes widen, he knows this was the wrong thing to say.

“Wow, uh… okay, I guess?” 

“I- that was rude, I apologize. I simply meant that Lady T’Pau is not fond of outsiders.” Or indeed, the children of said outsiders, even if that child is Vulcan. “Were you to meet her, it would most likely be an unpleasant experience for you both.”

The hurt in Jim’s eyes dissipates, replaced by curiosity. Instead of asking any questions, however, he takes another bite of his kleetanta. 

“You seem rather familiar with her personality,” he comments after he swallows. 

“She is the matriarch of my clan,” Spock explains.

“Ah, I see. That makes sense, then,” Jim says as he picks up his glass. 

Spock hesitates, then takes a breath as he clenches a pant leg.

“She is also married to my grandfather.”

Jim chokes on his water, though he manages not to spill any while putting it down. He coughs repeatedly, face reddening as he closes his eyes. A member of the waitstaff comes over, clearly concerned, but Jim waves them off.

“I’m- I’m sorry, Lady T’Pau is your grandmother?” He asks once he’s calmed down a bit, voice still a bit strained from coughing.

“No, she is not.” T’Pau was very clear about that when he was a child. “My paternal grandmother passed away a year before my parents met. My grandfather then married Lady T’Pau shortly after I was born.”

Jim’s eyes soften slightly.

“I see. That must have been strange, growing up with such an important historical figure.”

Spock inclines his head.

“It was quite normal to me. Besides, she is not the only important figure within my family.”

“Oh?”

“My great-grandfather was the captain of the ship that made first contact with Earth, and many of my clan members, including my father, occupy key positions within the Vulcan government.”

Jim blinks at him, mouth agape.

“Uh… wow, Spock, that’s…” He glances away, hiding his mouth by taking a drink.

Spock frowns.

“Is something amiss?”

“No! No, just…” Jim clears his throat. “I didn’t know you were from such an important family. You must be used to much fancier things and places than,” he gestures vaguely, “here. Not to mention more interesting people.”

Spock blinks, then shakes his head.

“If I had any interest in those things, Jim, I would not have chosen a career path that would take me off planet for the majority of the year.” And even that had been something of a compromise, but Jim does not need to know that. “I prefer a place like this, and my present company is much more pleasant than any of those ‘more interesting’ people ever have been.”

Slowly, Jim smiles again. The sight makes Spock’s stomach flutter and forces him to hide a smile by taking a drink.

“How’s your meal, by the way?”

“Adequate,” Spock tells him before taking another bite.

“Just adequate? Not as good as your mom’s latkes, then?”

Spock hums.

“I do not think so. Though, I have not had the latkes in many years. I admit my memory of them may be distorted by nostalgia.”

“When did you last have them?”

Spock clears his throat.

“When I was six. She made them for Hanukkah.”

Jim frowns.

“Why didn’t you have them again the next year?”

Spock takes another bite, thinking his words over carefully.

“I stopped engaging in anything related to my Human heritage when I turned seven.”

“Right, you mentioned that was when you stopped celebrating your birthday too… may I ask why? Seems like a rather arbitrary cutoff point.”

“It was not. Seven is the age at which young Vulcans undertake the kahs-wan.”

Jim looks up, brow furrowed.

“And… that is?”

“A traditional survival test of adulthood. Young Vulcans spend ten days alone in Vulcan’s Forge without food, water, or weapons.”

Jim blinks.

“... at seven?”

“Seven-year-old Vulcans are much more self-sufficient than their Human counterparts- we mature faster than you mentally.”

“Ah. That explains why Saavik can read.”

Spock suppresses the proud quirk of his lips.

“Somewhat, though she is also considered quite advanced in that area. Still, there are precautions- an experienced ranger will keep an eye on the child to ensure they do not perish. If the child is in danger, they will remove them from the Forge, and the test will end. To fail once is not shameful.”

For full Vulcans, a voice that sounds too much like his father whispers.

Jim hums thoughtfully.

“So, then, I’m guessing you’ve done it?”

Spock nods.

“Technically I took the test twice.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Technically?”

“The first time was not official.” Spock hesitates for a moment. “I was… ostracized by my peers as a child- bullied, by some. My Human heritage made me a target for their ire: they would torment me, stating that I was not Vulcan enough due to my Human mother.”

Jim’s features soften a bit, a small, gentle smile forming on his lips.

“Doesn’t seem very logical.”

“They were only children. Still, being a child myself, the solution that I came up with was to attempt a more… traditional version of the kahs-wan.”

Jim tilts his head.

“Traditional?”

“I went out into the Forge alone, without the knowledge of either of my parents or the rangers. My plan, if it could be called that, was to survive on my own while avoiding being found until ten full days had passed.”

“And how exactly did you plan to accomplish this?”

Spock clears his throat.

“To be perfectly frank, I did not think that far ahead. I suppose I assumed that I would discover some long-held instincts and survive that way.”

Jim shrugs.

“Well, you were seven.” He gives him something of a half-smile. “So, I’m guessing it didn’t go well.”

“That is an understatement. Within thirty minutes of my arrival at the Forge, I was cornered by a le-matya- a predatory animal with poisonous claws. Were it not for the intervention of I-Chaya and a distant cousin of mine, I likely would not have survived.”

“A distant cousin?”

“So she said. I had only met her earlier that day, and once I returned home she departed.” He frowns. “She was rather strange.”

“How so?”

She was kind to me forms on his tongue, but he swallows that- the way he is viewed by his paternal family is perhaps not an appropriate topic for this kind of outing.

“Her hair,” he answers instead. “It was lighter in color and curlier than any other member of my paternal family. It struck me as odd.”

Jim hums.

“A recessive trait, perhaps?”

“Entirely possible. Still, after that night I never encountered her again. She had stated she was travelling- my assumption is that she decided to continue her travels off-planet.”

“What was her name?”

“T’Lores.” Spock clears his throat. “And yourself? Do you have any cousins?”

“A few, none that I’m very close to. Most of them grew up off-Earth and stayed there. There was this one time we went to visit when I was about seven, though…”

---

By the time Durga brings them the bill, Jim and Spock have moved from discussing family to discussing the book that Jim had gotten him for his birthday. They’re in the midst of a debate on Christie’s prose when she lays the PADD with an attached credit chip-reader down between them. Spock reaches for it at the exact same moment that Jim does, causing the tips of their fingers to brush.

Spock only barely keeps himself from turning bright green.

“I’ll get it, Spock, don’t worry about it.”

Spock clears his throat as he pulls his hand back slightly- enough that he and Jim are not touching, but not enough that his hand is no longer on the reader.

“I do not mind splitting the cost of the bill.”

“No, I’m happy to treat you.”

“You, as you say, ‘treated’ me last time- and Saavik as well.”

“Well it was your birthday.”

“It is not my birthday now, therefore you have no reason to cover the cost of my meal.”

“Spock, I’m the one who asked you out. For Humans that usually means I would cover the bill.”

“And for Vulcans, to split the bill is normal.”

Jim rolls his eyes, though his smile remains.

“How about this, I’ll cover the bill tonight…” He bites his lip briefly, then smiles again, slightly less confidently now. “And you can cover the next one?”

Spock purses his lips, then nods, retracting his hand.

“Very well, that is acceptable.”

Jim beams at him, then turns his attention to the PADD. He squints a bit, clicking his tongue.

“Are you alright?” Spock inquires.

“Ah, the text here is a little small. Giving me a bit of a headache, honestly.”

Spock glances up at Durga, who raises an eyebrow.

“The text is the standard size on PADDs, sir,” Durga informs him.

“It is?” Jim asks. When she nods, he frowns. “Huh. Maybe Bones had a point about that after all.”

He shrugs, then finishes looking over the receipt before putting his credit chip in. Once it beeps to confirm payment, he takes it out, then hands the PADD back to Durga.

“Thank you. Have a pleasant evening, sirs.”

Jim looks back at him as they get up from the table.

“Do you need to head home, or do you have a little time left?”

Spock looks at his comm.

“The sitter will not be expecting me back for another hour.”

“Fantastic.” Jim smiles at him. “Would you care to talk a walk with me, then? There’s a little park across the street- not our usual, but nice enough.”

Spock nods.

“I would be amenable to that.”

---

The park across the street is smaller than the park they normally take David and Saavik to for playdates. It lacks playground equipment, and the pond is much smaller, but it is still large enough to walk around in. It is mostly empty given that it is nearly nine-thirty PM, but the quiet adds to the serenity of the moment as he and Jim continue their discussion on Agatha Christie.

“... you must admit, her character writing was quite weak,” Spock argues.

“I’ll concede that, yes, but given that she sets up the story so that everyone can be a suspect, I feel it’s an alright trade-off for the sake of the mystery.”

Spock hums.

“I suppose so. Still, overall I found the book to be a bit overwritten, as well as bogged down by explanations.”

“She does get better about that in later books-!”

Jim is cut off when he collides shoulder-to-shoulder with another person, stumbling into Spock for a moment before regaining his balance.

“I’m so sorry, sir- oh, shit, Commander Kirk?”

Jim glances at Spock apologetically before looking back at the young woman who bumped into him.

“Yes, that’s me- ah, you two are in my tactics class, aren’t you? Um… Cadets Thorpe and Upton?”

“Oh, yes, sir, that’s us!” One of the cadets says, looping her arm with her companion’s. “Sorry to bother you and Dr. Spock.”

The other cadet has an odd look on her face, as if she’s trying not to laugh.

“Ah, it’s fine, I should have been watching where I was going. You two have a good night.”

“Yes, sir,” she says, pulling her companion along. Out of the corner of his eye, Spock sees the two exchange a look.

Jim looks up at Spock, smiling.

“So anyway-!”

“Have fun on your date!” 

“Ellie oh my god.”

The sound of hushed laughter rushes past Spock’s ears as they heat up. He clears his throat, opening his mouth to speak when he sees the look on Jim’s face.

Specifically, the fact that he seems… entirely unbothered by the idea that they are on a date. In fact, he is chuckling, shaking his head and putting his hands in his pocket.

“Cadets nowadays,” he says. “When I was their age saying something like that to an instructor would have gotten you in huge trouble. You’d at least wait until they were out of earshot.”

Spock swallows the lump in his throat. He quickly goes over the events of tonight in his mind- the compliments, Jim holding the door for him, his clear desire to impress Spock, the way he’s looked at him, his brief nervousness at suggesting Spock pay the next time they-

Oh.

Oh no.

“Jim,” Spock begins quietly, only barely keeping a tremor out of his voice, “was this supposed to be a date?”

Jim chuckles again.

“Very funny, Spock,” he replies as he turns to look at him. His smile drops when they make eye contact, eyes widening. “Wait, you… you did know this was a date, didn’t you?”

“No, I did not. I had believed we were having dinner as friends, as you informed me is common.”

“Wh- you mean the Gary thing? I-!” Jim stops, then grimaces. “Okay, yes, I suppose that’s true, but- Spock, I’ve been flirting with you all night! All week, even!”

“I believed you had simply become more comfortable complimenting me.”

“Because I thought we were on the same page!” Jim groans. “How did you not know this was- Spock, you told me you’ve had a Human girlfriend!”

“Leila was much more direct about her romantic intentions,” he protests. 

“Spock, there are very few people who would consider my flirting subtle,” Jim tells him, running a hand through his hair. His mouth is set in a tight line, his voice rough.

“I am unused to Human courtship at all,” Spock reminds him. “She was my only reference point. You did not tell me that you were interested in me romantically, or touch me when it was unnecessary to do so.”

Something in Jim’s expression shifts in a way that Spock is unfamiliar with.

“I- Spock, I don’t know that much about Vulcan courtship. I wasn’t sure what you’d consider appropriate, let alone what you personally would be comfortable with in regards to touching.”

Spock blinks.

“Oh.” He shifts uncomfortably, putting aside any reflection on his past relationship for later. “That was very considerate. Thank you.”

Jim gives him a stiff nod. A moment later, he lets out a long exhale.

“God, what a mess.”

Spock’s stomach twists, and he resists the urge to clench his fist.

“Are you upset?”

Jim huffs out a laugh.

“What do you think?”

Spock’s lip tenses, apparently enough for Jim to see. His expression softens a bit, and he sighs.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be mean, I just- I’m embarrassed, and rather disappointed.”

Spock’s stomach sinks a bit.

“Disappointed?”

“Well, when you’ve spent more than a week thinking that the person you have romantic feelings for likes you back, only to discover at the very end of what you thought was your first date that they don’t… yeah, that’s pretty disappointing.”

Spock’s heart thuds in his side.

Somehow, it is only now sinking in that Jim has… that Jim is…

That Jim is attracted to him. 

That Jim wants to be with him.

“You… truly have feelings for me?” He hears himself ask.

Jim gives him a somewhat bitter smile.

“Yeah, Spock. I…” He sighs. “I guess I may as well tell you now. I didn’t think I recognized you at the grocery store. I didn’t even read any of your work until after we became friends.”

Another bitter smile.

“I just thought you were cute.”

Spock swallows, stomach fluttering as his pulse races.

“I…”

Jim shakes his head.

“No, Spock, it’s alright. I get it.” He’s still smiling, but it does not reach his eyes. There is a tension about his face and shoulders that makes Spock’s stomach churn in a much more unpleasant way than his realization of Jim’s feelings for him had. “Look, let’s just… forget about this, yeah? I’ll… I’ll be alright after a little while.”

Spock does not want to forget about this. He opens his mouth to say so, but Jim raises a hand.

“No, really, it’s fine. I understand.” He takes a step back. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

He turns away, and a weight drops into Spock’s stomach as he realizes that this may be his only chance, that if he lets Jim walk away now he may never manage to-!

“Please, wait,” he hears himself call.

To his relief, Jim does stop, but he still has that tight grimace on his face.

“Spock, I’m not mad, really, I’m just embarrassed and I’d like to be alone.”

“I understand that, but I…” Spock swallows, closing his eyes and steeling his nerve before opening them again. “I would like to ask something of you.”

After a moment, Jim lets out a long sigh.

“Fucking hell, I can’t say no to you, can I?” Jim’s smile still doesn’t reach his eyes. “Alright. What is it?”

“A second chance.” Spock takes a step forward. “Please allow me to take you on a date.”

Jim blinks, eyes going wide as his lips part.

“... Come again?”

“I am- I have been attracted to you for some time,” Spock explains, “but because I have very little experience with romance among Humans, I did not know how to express that, nor how to read more subtle signs that you returned my affection- though even without that barrier, I suspect I may not be very good at it. For that, I apologize.”

Spock takes a breath.

“But I do want to- I would like to try again. Because I care for you very deeply, and it’s clear you went to quite a bit of effort to impress me and to make tonight something that would please me, and I- I would like the opportunity to do the same. Please.”

Jim stares at him for what seems like an age, mouth still open as he blinks.

A full minute passes in silence. Spock’s heart sinks further and further with every passing second; he folds his arms behind his back, squeezing his wrist tightly.

“I see. I apologize, then.” If he weren’t Vulcan, Spock is certain he would be unable to stop his eyes from stinging. “Good night, Commander Kirk.”

He turns to walk away in the opposite direction- he is fairly certain the street loops around at some point, so while it will take him longer to return to his vehicle, he will be able to make it back without crossing paths with Jim-!

“Wait!”

Spock freezes, turning to look at Jim. His face is red, but his eyes are shining with some emotion Spock dares not to name.

“Yes.”

Spock blinks.

“... yes?”

“Yes, I’ll go on a date with you.”

Spock blinks again just seconds before his heart rate skyrockets. 

“You will?” He asks before he can stop himself. His face heats as Jim chuckles softly.

“Yeah, I… I’d really like that.”

If Spock were even slightly less Vulcan, he thinks he would be grinning from ear to ear.

“I am pleased,” he says instead.

Jim smiles, then puts his hands back in his pockets.

“Walk me back to my car?” He asks.

Spock nods. 

They walk back in silence, but not an uncomfortable one. It is the same sort of silence they share when they play chess, or on that single occasion during finals week where they graded tests in Jim’s office.

It is peaceful.

“Well, this is me,” Jim says once they reach his car. 

“Indeed. I am approximately three spaces over.”

“Huh, convenient.” Jim smiles up at him. “I had a great time tonight.”

He shrugs. 

“Even if you did tell me that T’Pau wouldn’t like me. And also didn’t know it was a date.”

“I am pleased to know that my missteps were not so egregious as to disillusion your view of me entirely.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“You’d have to do a lot more than that to scare me off, Spock.” He grins. “In fact, tonight went so well that normally, this would be where I’d ask to kiss you.”

Spock blinks, then feels heat erupt in his cheeks, spreading all over his face and down his neck as his heart rams in his side.

“... um.” Spock clears his throat, fiddling with the hem of his tunic. “Per… perhaps another time?”

Jim’s grin is wide, and his eyes sparkle under the glow of the streetlamp above them. 

“Well, if you play your cards right next time, I’ll definitely ask.” His grin turns to a smirk. “And judging by tonight, I’d bet you’ll do wonderfully.”

Spock believes he is going to have to spend quite a bit of the night in meditation. His self-control has slipped to the point that he cannot keep himself from smiling in public, if only just a little. 

“I will endeavor to fulfill your expectations, then.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“Goodnight, Dr. Spock.”

“Goodnight, Commander Kirk.”

Jim nods, still smiling, then walks over to the driver’s side of his car. Once he is in his vehicle, Spock goes to his own and gets in, turning it on so that it will warm up. He watches as Jim drives away, leaning back and exhaling once he is gone.

Jim likes him.

His lips quirk upward.

Jim likes him.

His stomach flutters.

Jim likes him.

A sound, one he would normally associate with an excited Saavik, floats by his ears. A second later, another, at which point he realizes that the sound came from his own mouth.

Spock is giggling.

Giggling. He was unaware that he was capable of such a thing until just now.

Some deeply Vulcan part of him lashes out, tells him that he should be ashamed of his lack of control, but for the first time since he was a very small child- possibly even younger than Saavik- Spock does not care. 

The giggles turn to laughter, and he covers his face, resisting the urge to kick his feet only so that he does not accidentally rev the engine. 

Even once he manages to calm down, his entire being feels light.

He is still smiling as he pulls out of the parking lot.

Notes:

my one-day early birthday present to myself is that these two are finally on the same page

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "i didn't know i was looking for love" by everything but the girl)

Chapter 22: first (real) date

Jim’s practically whistling as he walks into the Sciences building, with a spring in his step so evident that several students commented on it when they thought he wasn’t paying attention.

Normally, that would at least annoy him a little, but frankly today (and the past several days) he’s been too happy to care.

Sure, the date didn’t go perfectly, but after receiving the sweetest, clumsiest confession he’s ever heard, he’s confident that they really are on the same page this time.

Mostly. He can sort of tell that constant, clear communication is going to be important here.

Still, he’s got a date with a smoking hot Vulcan this weekend and not even David dragging his feet all morning can get him down.

… okay, so maybe he’s a little irritated about that, but not as much as he might normally be.

He hums as he gets out of the lift, strolling towards his office. He grins when he sees that Spock’s office door is open, shifting his bag under his arm as he walks over. 

“... here, I think he’s said that he likes this one.”

Jim pauses when he hears Gaila’s voice, pursing his lips.

“You are certain of this?”

“I’ve known him since our first year at the Academy, Spock. I have a pretty good grasp on what Jim’s taste is like.”

“My taste in what?” Jim asks as he walks inside Spock’s office. 

Spock and Gaila’s heads both jerk up from where they’re huddled while looking at a PADD. Spock clears his throat, glancing away as he straightens his back.

“We were discussing something relating to our date on Saturday.”

“Ah, I see. Do I get to know what that is?”

“You do not, unless you feel it is imperative that you know.”

Jim pretends to think about this, then shrugs.

“Nah, I think the surprise sounds more fun.”

“Told you,” Gaila interjects, smirking up at Spock. “Anyway, just keep what I said in mind and you’ll be golden.”

“Very well. Thank you, Gaila.”

“Happy to help.” She shoots Jim a wink as she walks out of the office, and Jim chuckles as he looks back at Spock.

“I see you’re taking planning our first ‘real’ date very seriously.”

“I am,” Spock agrees. “I would like it to go well.”

Jim shrugs.

“I’m sure it will. Friday went pretty well save for that blip at the end.”

“By ‘blip,’ you mean the fact that I did not know we were on a date?”

“Yeah, just don’t do that again and you’ll be golden.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“I doubt that I will have that issue again.”

“Then there’s no reason to worry, is there?”

“Vulcans do not worry, Jim.”

Jim grins.

“Sure they don’t.”

Spock’s eyebrow rises higher, but he doesn’t argue. 

“Anyway-!” A glint near Spock’s ear catches Jim’s attention. “Oh, you’re wearing earrings again.”

Spock’s hand goes up to his left ear, touching the stud in his lobe- a quartet of white stones set in gold. Above that, inside the shell of his ear, is a gold branch with those same white stones set into leaves, following the curve of his ear right where it begins to point.

“I am.”

“Saavik’s idea?”

“No, mine. I… wanted to experiment with my personal style.”

Jim smiles. 

“Well, you look very handsome.” Jim shrugs. “Of course, you always do, earrings or no.”

He can’t help but grin as Spock turns green, watching as he clears his throat and shifts from foot to foot.

“Thank you.” He glances over at Jim. “You are also very handsome.”

Jim’s own cheeks heat, and he grins even wider.

“Thank you. Now, since we’ve got time, would you like to have lunch?”

“I would,” Spock confirms. 

A few minutes later, they’re set up with their lunches- chicken and lettuce wrap for Jim, farr-khali for Spock- and chatting from opposite sides of Spock’s desk. 

A chat that mostly consists of Jim trying to get a hint as to what they’ll be doing on Saturday.

“Come on, just one little hint?”

“You said you wanted to be surprised,” Spock reminds him before taking a bite of his lunch.

“I can get a hint and still be surprised,” he protests. “I’m not that good at guessing.”

“Somehow, Jim, I very much doubt that.”

Jim huffs, then smiles.

“You know, you’re lucky in a way,” he comments.

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“How so?”

“Well, there’s quite a bit to do in San Francisco, even in the colder months. Plenty of things to plan a first date around.”

“I have found quite a few things to choose from,” Spock agrees. “Though I’ve also found that such a wide array of possibilities has made it somewhat difficult to narrow ideas down.”

“That’s why you asked Gaila, right?”

“Yes. It seemed wise, considering she has experience with planning dates, whereas I have none.”

Jim blinks.

“You don’t?”

“No. In my previous relationship, Leila- my ex-partner- would take charge of that.”

Jim frowns, shifting in his seat as he tries not to let his suspicions about Spock’s last relationship show on his face.

“Spock, have you ever been in a relationship besides the one with Leila?”

Spock shifts in his seat, averting his gaze.

“Technically, yes.”

Jim furrows his brow.

“What do you mean, ‘technically?’”

“I was betrothed at one point.”

Jim blinks.

“... I’m sorry, you were engaged and that’s only a ‘technically?’”

“The betrothal was arranged by our families when we were children.”

Jim frowns.

“An arranged marriage? Is that… common amongst Vulcans?”

“To an extent, though less common now that my generation has become parents. I do not plan to arrange one for Saavik.” He shifts again. “In any case, there was no romantic relationship between us until shortly before we ended our betrothal.”

“Ah, didn’t work out between you?”

“We did not have much of a chance to get to know each other in that context. Because of our careers we were rarely in the same place at the same time, and within a month of beginning this relationship I adopted Saavik. My betrothed did not believe she was prepared to be a mother at that point in time, and so we ended our relationship.”

Jim shrugs.

“That’s understandable. I suppose I can see what you mean by ‘technically,’ though. I’m not sure I’d count that either.” He frowns. “Still, there wasn’t anyone else you were involved with?”

“Not long term. I was more focused on my career.”

 Jim hums, leaning back in his chair a bit.

“If that’s the case, we should probably discuss boundaries.”

Spock blinks.

“For what reason?”

“Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. My knowledge of Vulcan culture isn’t exactly vast, but I know that casual physical touch is much less common amongst Vulcans than Humans.”

Spock just looks at him for a moment, expression unreadable. Then, his lips quirk up in just the tiniest of smiles.

“Very well, if you think that would be best.” He sits up slightly. “What would the baseline amount of physical affection within the context of a date be for you?”

Jim thinks on this a moment, then shrugs.

“Holding hands, I suppose.”

Spock blinks, then, in an instant, flushes such a bright shade of emerald that Jim is briefly concerned about his blood pressure. 

“Um.”

“Okay, no holding hands,” Jim notes.

Spock clears his throat.

“If- if you would prefer-!”

“Spock, really, it’s fine. No explanation needed.”

Spock shakes his head.

“It may come up again, and I would like to circumvent any cultural misunderstandings before they happen.”

Jim cocks his head to the side, frowning, but shrugs again.

“Alright, if you insist.”

“Thank you.” Spock clears his throat. “As you know, Vulcans are touch telepaths. Because of this, we have more nerve endings in our hands and fingers than Humans do, making them more sensitive to touch. From this, a cultural context around touching hands and fingers was born.”

He makes a gesture where his left middle and pointer fingers are sticking out.

“When a betrothed or bonded couple touch these two fingers together, it is called an ozh’esta, or finger embrace. It is roughly equivalent to a chaste kiss between Humans.”

Realization dawns on Jim, a flush working its way up his neck.

“Ah. So, er, hands touching palm-to-palm would be…?”

“Considered rather indecent in public,” Spock confirms. His ears are a light shade of green.

Jim chuckles awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I suppose that must have been something of a culture shock when you first arrived here.”

“Somewhat, though I quickly learned that it is considered quite tame by Human standards. To see someone else do it is no longer shocking.” He clears his throat as his cheeks flush the same color as his ears. “To participate in such a thing myself, however…”

“Would be too much?” Jim suggests.

Spock nods, and Jim smiles.

“That’s alright, Spock. I’d rather you be comfortable. We don’t have to touch at all just yet if you’d rather not.”

Spock’s cheeks flush again.

“I would not go that far.” He shifts, rubbing his right pointer finger with his left thumb. “An occasional touch on the arm would likely be fine. Or on the shoulder. I would prefer not to be touched anywhere that is unclothed at this juncture as well.”

“No hands, no face. Got it.”

Spock nods.

“And you? Do you have anywhere you would prefer not to be touched?”

Jim shrugs.

“Honestly, as long as you don’t grope or goose me in public I’m fine.”

Spock flushes a bit, though he furrows his brow.

“‘Goose’ you?”

“Little bit of an old-fashioned term. It means pinching or grabbing the buttocks depending on who you ask.”

Spock blinks, then flushes again.

“I-!” He clears his throat. “I would not do that.”

“I know. So you’re fine.” Jim smiles. “Really, Spock, I don’t think I’ll have any problems with you touching me, but if something comes up I’ll tell you.”

Spock hesitates, then nods. 

“Please do. I… do not want to make you uncomfortable.”

Jim smiles at him.

“You’d have to work pretty hard to scare me off at this point, Spock. Don’t worry so much.”

Despite the tension still evident in his shoulders, Spock’s lips quirk up into a smile.

---

Jim blows out a puff of hair, fiddling with his hair in the mirror again. His hair isn’t cooperating as well as he’d like, and he’s self-aware enough to admit that his vanity’s getting the better of him here- he knows he’s a good-looking man, takes pride in that fact.

He also knows that Spock, Vulcan though he may be, isn’t immune to his looks. He’s caught him staring before, especially over the past week. And while he doubts that Spock’s shallow, it couldn’t hurt to look his best, right?

… alright, so he wants Spock to look at him like he’s hot. Sue him.

Jim huffs as he pulls his hands away from his hair, deciding that if he keeps fussing at it like this he’ll just end up making a mess. Instead, he adjusts the collar on his buttoned-up flannel shirt, smoothing the hem out over his nicest pair of jeans, then looks in the mirror again.

He looks good. He knows that he looks good.

… except his hair, goddammit, why is his hair like this today?

Before he can potentially ruin all his hard work, his comm buzzes in his pocket. He pulls it out, heart skipping a beat when he sees he has a message from Spock.

Spock: I have arrived at your apartment building. I will be at your door in approximately three to five minutes depending on if the lift is immediately available.

God. Jim’s really gone on this man if his being so precise about his arrival time is making his stomach do somersaults.

Jim: Sounds good! See you in a few minutes :) 

Jim takes a breath, then walks over to the door to slip his shoes on.

Just about three minutes later, there’s a knock at the door.

“Okay,” he murmurs to himself, “you can do this. It’s gonna be great."

Jim inhales deeply, exhales, then opens the door.

He then blinks, heart skipping a beat.

“Hello, Jim,” Spock greets him, the tiny furrow in his brow the only indication that he’s not one hundred percent cool, calm, and collected at the moment. He’s wearing earrings again, this time small silver hoops in the lowermost hole and a pair of deep blue gem studs just next to them. They match the color of his sweater perfectly, as does his eyeliner, the boldest part of his slightly heavier than usual makeup. 

For a minute, Jim is struck breathless by how gorgeous he is, though not enough to miss how Spock’s eyes rove over him appreciatively, but his attention quickly turns back to the two things Spock is holding.

“You got me flowers?” He asks, voice a bit smaller than he’d like. His heartbeat kicks up a notch.

Spock’s expression falters a bit, lips turning downward.

“I… was told it was a typical part of Human courtship.”

“Oh, it- it is, I just… well, I wasn’t expecting you to bring me a dozen roses.”

Again, his expression falters.

“I see. If you do not want them-!”

“Now, I didn’t say that, did I?” Jim interjects, taking a step forward and taking the bouquet from where it’s leaning on the inside of his elbow. “Thank you, Spock, these are lovely.”

He takes a step back into his apartment.

“Come in for a minute while I put these in a vase.”

Spock purses his lips, but nods, following Jim in and closing the door behind him.

Jim’s heart is still going a little fast as he cleans the vase, drying it as best he can before moving to trim the stems. 

“You seem rather knowledgeable about this,” Spock comments.

“I used to give Carol flowers every couple of weeks,” he explains as he cuts the flowers just a little shorter. “Since they were a gift, I figured I should be the one to prep them- if you just stick them in a vase they die faster.”

“I see. Did she do the same for you when she gave you flowers?”

Jim’s hands fumble as he arranges the flowers in the vase; he clears his throat.

“Actually, she, uh… she never gave me flowers.” He fusses with one of the roses, not looking at Spock. “No one’s ever given me flowers before, in fact.”

“May I ask why?”

“Well, I- I don’t know, really. I’ve never thought about it.” He still doesn’t look at him as he goes to get a pitcher. “I suppose I just- I’ve always thought of myself as the person who gets their partner flowers. I never really questioned why, I just… did it.”

Jim pours the water in until the vase is about two-thirds full, then puts the pitcher down before moving the flowers to his kitchen table. 

“There. Perfect place for them.” He turns to look at Spock, smiling. “I really do like them. This was sweet of you.”

He glances down at the pink box still in his hands.

“I’m guessing that’s also for me?”

Spock nods.

“It is.” He holds it out. “My original plan for tonight fell through, but I still wished to do something somewhat related to that.”

Jim purses his lips as he takes the box, then shrugs, flipping the lid open. He blinks, eyebrows rising at the sight of the circular golden dessert inside.

“Is this… funnel cake?”

“It is,” Spock confirms. “I added a small container of powdered sugar, as you said you preferred to eat it that way.”

“Spock, this is… where did you even get this?”

Spock shifts slightly.

“I made it. This afternoon, in fact.”

“You- Spock, you made me funnel cake?”

“Yes.” Spock frowns. “Was that inappropriate?”

“No, no, it’s not…” Jim chuckles, shaking his head. “God, this is really sweet.”

“It does have a high sugar-!”

“Not the cake, you.” Jim smiles at him. “You took the time to figure out how to make my favorite food.”

The tips of Spock’s ears turn green, and he clears his throat.

“It seemed easier to store and transport than aubergine parmesan.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head as he closes the box.

“I suppose so. I’ll put this away, grab my coat, and then we can head out.” 

He walks over to the fridge, slightly glad that he’d put off grocery shopping until tomorrow, sliding the box in next to a takeout container that he should probably throw out and closing the door. 

“Ready?” He asks as he grabs his coat. 

Spock nods, opening the door and holding it for Jim to go through. Jim smiles at him as he goes out. Once it’s locked, they start heading for the lift.

“So, what are we doing first?”

“Dinner. We should be done there by eight-thirty, which will give us enough time to arrive at our second destination before we need to be there.”

Jim chuckles.

“A man with a schedule, I like that.”

The tips of Spock’s ears turn green, but Jim’s almost certain that he sees the corners of his lips turn up.

---

The walk to the restaurant is short. So short, in fact, that Jim guesses where they’re going about midway there.

“We’re going to Paola’s?” He asks as they round the last corner before they reach the street the restaurant’s on.

Spock nods.

“I considered an alternate route to surprise you, but given we are on a schedule I decided that having more time was preferable.”

“Sound logic. How did you figure out what restaurant I was talking about when I mentioned the aubergine parmesan?”

“I looked up the location of every Italian restaurant within walking distance of your apartment, and then found out which served aubergine parmesan.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Yes, but I’m fairly certain there’s at least two other restaurants that meet those qualifications. How’d you figure out it was Paola’s specifically?”

A green flush that has nothing to do with the lower than usual temperature flashes over Spock’s cheeks. He clears his throat, averting his gaze.

“... I realized I had no way to know which you thought was the best without outright asking you and asked Gaila instead.”

Jim can’t help the little snort he lets out at Spock’s admission.

“Is that what you two were talking about in your office on Monday?”

“In fact it was not,” Spock tells him as they arrive in front of the restaurant. Before Jim can say anything, Spock opens the door and holds it open. “After you.”

Jim smiles, nodding and walking into the restaurant.

“Oh, Mr. Kirk, good to see you!”

“Hey, Lucia,” Jim greets. 

“No David today?” She asks.

“No, ah, this- tonight’s a little different than usual,” Jim tells her as Spock walks up beside him.

“Table for two, please,” Spock requests.

Lucia looks between them for a moment before her eyes light up.

“Oh!” She smiles as she grabs two menus. “Well, hey, congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Jim says, following when she motions for them to. She leads them to a table near the middle of the restaurant- not close enough to the window that Spock will need to keep his jacket on, but not close enough to the kitchen or bathroom for either of those things to be an issue either. When Jim goes to sit, Spock quickly moves in front of him, pulling out his seat.

Jim suppresses a grin as he sits down and takes off his coat. When he glances at Lucia, she gives him another smile before setting their menus in front of them.

“Your server will be with you in a moment,” she tells them before walking away.

Jim smirks as Spock takes off his coat.

“So did you look up first date tips on the Net or did you ask Gaila about that too?” 

Spock’s cheeks go bright green. He clears his throat, eyes trained on the table.

“... the former,” he admits. “May I ask how you knew?”

“You brought me flowers and a gift, picked a restaurant you knew I liked, held the door for me- twice- and even pulled out my chair for me.” He grins. “Everything that was in those guides when I was young and first starting to date.”

Spock presses his lips into a line, brow furrowed slightly. He still isn’t meeting Jim’s eyes.

“Was… was the advice given incorrect?”

Jim hums.

“No, I think it’s pretty good advice, if a little bit old-fashioned. The thing is, though, you don’t really need any of it.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise as he finally looks at him.

“I do not?”

“Nope.” Jim smiles at him. “I already know that I like you.”

Spock blinks, then, slowly, his lips turn into a small smile.

“I return the sentiment,” he says quietly just as their waiter arrives.

“Mr. Kirk, good to see you again.”

“Evening, Yu,” Jim replies. “How are things going?”

“Pretty well, you just missed the dinner rush. Water as usual?”

“You’ve got it.”

Yu nods, then turns to Spock.

“And for you, sir?”

“Water as well.”

“Fantastic, I’ll have those out for you in a minute,” Yu says before walking away.

“You seem to know the hostess and our waiter well,” Spock says as he opens his menu.

Jim shrugs as he picks up his own menu.

“I know most of the waitstaff, actually- David loves it here, so we usually go at least once during my weeks with him.”

“I see. Saavik would likely also enjoy it here, considering how many Italian dishes use tomatoes.”

“I’ve been wondering, what is her obsession with tomatoes?”

The corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“When I first adopted Saavik, the only thing she would eat was plomeek soup,” he begins. “She refused everything else, even sweets and other foods favored by Vulcan children. And while plomeek soup is nutritious, it is not meant to be consumed as one’s only meal. But for those first two weeks, it was all she would eat. Not even serving her plomeek in a different dish or other soups worked- she would have plomeek soup specifically, or she would have nothing at all.”

Spock purses his lips.

“It was… quite stressful. I took her to a specialist, but they had no answer for why she would not eat anything else.”

Jim hums, nodding.

“So what happened?”

“Back on Vulcan, my mother keeps a garden. Part of that garden is a large, climate-controlled greenhouse where she grows Terran plants- flowers, squash, and yes, tomatoes.” Spock’s lips quirk upward once more. “When I was young, I helped her in that garden, and she wanted Saavik to have that same experience. As we were living with my parents while I found a larger apartment to fit us both, she asked if we could spend time working in the garden together, as she had some harvesting to do.”

“Sounds like a fun time.”

“It was… interesting. In any case, while we were harvesting the tomatoes, Saavik took one from the basket and bit into it.”

Jim blinks.

“What, just like that?”

“I too was confused. The only thing I could glean from her was that she decided she wanted to. Thankfully, she decided she enjoyed the taste, and enjoyed it even more when cooked. From there, I was able to encourage her to expand her palate even more.”

Jim smiles, but before he can say anything Yu approaches their table.

“There you are,” he says as he sets their waters down in front of them. “Are you gentlemen ready to order?”

“I am if you are,” Jim tells Spock.

“I am. I will have the polenta with mushroom sauce,” Spock requests.

“Great. And let me guess, you’ll have the aubergine parmesan, Mr. Kirk?”

“Got it in one,” Jim replies as he hands Yu his menu. 

“Excellent, I’ll have that out for you in a little while.”

Jim thanks him as he walks away, then looks back at Spock.

“So… what else did that guide you looked up say you should do?”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“You said I did not need it.”

“You don’t, but it could be fun to go through it anyway.”

Spock purses his lips for a moment, then nods.

“Very well. The guide stated that you should ask your date questions about themselves and their interests next. However, since we were friends prior to this, I was unsure if that was applicable here.”

“Well, we don’t know everything about each other. We can still ask those ‘getting to know you’ questions.”

“Such as?”

“Like… what would you have been if you decided not to join the Vulcan Expeditionary Group?”

Spock opens his mouth, then closes it, shaking his head.

“The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a scientist. Joining the Vulcan Expeditionary Group was the most logical path to take.”

“Oh, come on, that’s no fun. There must have been something else you wanted to be when you were growing up.”

Spock shifts a bit.

“There was nothing else I wanted to be. However, should science somehow have been unavailable to me, I likely would have gone into government, like many others in my family.”

Jim huffs, propping his head up with his elbow.

“Well, I would have been a historian.”

Spock blinks, then nods.

“That seems like something that would suit you.”

Jim laughs.

“You think so?”

“You have a marked fascination with Old Earth media, typically preferring them to more modern forms of entertainment. You are also well-read in terms of both fiction and non-fiction, and often speak animatedly about historical events.” 

Jim chuckles.

“Seems like you’ve got me pegged, Dr. Spock.”

The corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“Perhaps. What do you believe your area of focus would be, were you a historian?”

Jim hums. 

“Probably Earth’s 1960’s. It was a time of great social upheaval, one I’ve always found interesting…”

---

Dinner is, of course, delicious, only enhanced by their conversation about the “hippie” movement- Spock is surprisingly knowledgeable on the anti-war sentiment from that time period, which only makes him more attractive to Jim. 

When it comes time to pay, Spock takes the PADD before Jim can even think about taking it.

“You sure you don’t want to split it?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Last week you told me it was traditional for the party who requested the date to pay, and that if I allowed you to pay for dinner that night you would allow me to do the same for our next outing. So yes, I am certain that I do not wish to ‘split’ the bill.”

Jim chuckles, holding up his hands.

“Alright, just checking. You did say it was more traditional for Vulcans to split the bill, after all.”

Spock tilts his head a bit.

“Perhaps next time?” He suggests.

Jim blinks, then grins.

“Next time,” he agrees as the credit chip reader beeps.

“Thank you for your patronage!” Yu chirps. “Hope we’ll see you two again!”

Jim looks back at Spock.

“Oh, I think you will.”

Spock flushes, but Jim sees the corners of his lips turn up. 

Jim bids Lucia farewell as they walk out of the restaurant, shivering as the chilly air hits his skin.

“So, what’s the next part of your plan?”

Spock clears his throat. 

“It is approximately three streets over, if you would walk with me.”

Jim smiles and nods, and they start walking, resuming their conversation about 60’s social movements as they do.

Their shoulders brush a few times as they walk. Jim is fairly certain he’s not imagining Spock’s tiny little smile when they do.

They turn the corner, and Jim’s eyes widen when he sees the old-fashioned movie theater on the other side of the street. The building has clearly been restored several times, and is on the verge of needing a touch-up with the way the paint is peeling. There’s only one title on the marquee, that being “Roman Holiday.” Jim looks over at Spock, grinning as they cross the street.

“Dinner and a movie, Dr. Spock?”

“In fairness, Gaila endorsed the idea.”

Jim chuckles.

“Well, I do happen to like this movie. And we did come all this way.”

“We are less than a mile from your apartment,” Spock comments dryly.

“You wanna see the movie or not?”

Spock nods without hesitation, and Jim laughs as they head for the ticket booth. Spock insists on paying for his ticket, which Jim only puts up a token argument against for the hell of it, then follows him into the theater.

There are only a few other people in the theater, likely owing to the fact that it’s around nine PM and this is a pretty niche area of interest. Spock and Jim end up being the only two people in their row.

If he were seventeen, Jim thinks he might think of it as the perfect place to steal a kiss.

Of course, he’s not seventeen, and Spock isn’t Ruth, on the verge of snapping and demanding he either kiss her or let her down easy already. 

Still, when he feels Spock’s hand on top of his arm right when Ann and Joe start riding the vespa, he can’t help but grin like he’s had the best kiss of his life.

---

“I’ve always thought the ending was a little sad, personally,” Jim says as they walk into his apartment building.

“It was framed as being rather bittersweet,” Spock comments.

“You don’t think it’s sad?”

“While it was perhaps not personally satisfying, Ann did what she had to- she had a duty to her people, one that overrode her desire to be with Joe.”

“Oh, I understood that, I just think it’s sad that they couldn’t be together in the end.” Jim chuckles as they get in the lift. “Suppose I’m just a romantic like that.”

“Perhaps. I suppose it benefits me, at least.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“Well, as long as you benefit…”

Spock inclines his head slightly as the lift comes to a stop, following Jim into the hall.

“Well, this is me,” Jim says once they reach his front door. He smiles. “Thank you for tonight, Spock.”

“I am pleased it went well, despite it not being my original plan.”

“What was your original plan, anyway?”

Spock clears his throat, glancing away. 

“I was going to take you to Pier 39. It was the closest thing to a fair-like environment that I could find within a reasonable distance.”

Jim blinks, then snorts, shaking his head.

“Well, I do like Pier 39, but I will say that it’s not really a location for two adults on a first date.”

“Gaila informed me as such.” Spock shuffles. “But you… did enjoy tonight?”

Jim smiles.

“Yeah, I did. I’ve had a wonderful time with you, Spock.” He moves half a step closer. “Do you remember what I said last week?”

“You said many things last week. Could you be more specific?”

“I said that if you played your cards right, I’d ask to kiss you.”

Spock blinks, then turns a bright shade of green all the way up to the roots of his hair.

“I… um.” His throat bobs, and he averts his gaze. “That… that would be…”

He trails off, and Jim smiles softly.

“I won’t if you don’t want me to, though,” he offers.

Spock hesitates, folding his arms behind his back.

“It is not so much that I don’t want you to. Rather, I… as I have said before, I am unused to being touched by people outside of my family, and even then the only person who touches me on a regular basis is Saavik. The idea of more… intimate contact, in Human or Vulcan fashion, is slightly overwhelming.”

Jim smiles.

“Well, I haven’t exactly been engaging in, ah, intimate contact for quite a while either. If you’d prefer to take it slow, then that’s what we’ll do.”

Spock’s eyes light up.

“You wish to continue with this, then?” He asks, his neutral tone belied by the hope in his eyes.

“I really do. I like you a lot, Spock, and I’d like to see where this leads.”

Spock’s lips twitch upward in a way that Jim’s come to realize means he’d be grinning ear to ear if he weren’t Vulcan.

“I am pleased.” Jim hears a buzz, watching as Spock pulls his comm out of his pocket and frowns. “It is nearly eleven. I must be going.”

“Carriage about to turn back into a pumpkin?” Jim teases.

“No, but if I am out much later I will have to pay my sitter a fee, and I would prefer not to.” Spock tilts his head. “I would offer to leave a shoe, but I need both to drive home.”

Jim laughs as he unlocks his front door.

“Guess it’s a good thing I already have your comm number, then.” He smiles at him. “Good night, Spock.”

“Good night, Jim.”

Jim nods, then walks into his apartment, closing the door behind him. Once he’s locked it, he leans back against it, letting his head loll back as he lets out a blissful sigh.

After a moment, his comm buzzes in his pocket. He pulls it out, then sees he has a message from Spock.

Spock: Sleep well.

Jim blinks, then grins from ear to ear.

It’s been a long time, he thinks, since he’s been halfway in love with someone he hasn’t even kissed yet. 

Notes:

just want to say how much i appreciate all of you and your feedback! i really do enjoy seeing people enjoy this fic :)

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 23: getting comfortable

Spock breathes in, then out.

“Saavik,” he begins slowly, “you need to wear a hat.”

Saavik shakes her head.

“You must. It is cold out.”

Saavik shakes her head again, lifting her hands to sign.

Cold for you. 

“No, it is also cold for you. That is why you need to wear a hat.”

I don’t want to.

“I am aware of that, but that does not change the fact that you need to wear one.”

Saavik pouts, shaking her head.

No.

“You will be cold if you do not.”

No I won’t.

“You have said that before, Saavik, and twenty minutes after we left you wanted a hat.”

That was in Montreal. There was snow in Montreal. There is no snow here. It is not that cold.

Spock closes his eyes, counting down from ten backwards in French, then Vulcan, then English. He reminds himself that promising a reward for good behavior will not actually help, discarding his first instinct, then opens his eyes when he has another thought.

“Saavik,” he starts evenly, “if you end up being cold at the zoo, and then become ill because of that, David will be sad.”

Saavik’s eyes go wide. She immediately rushes forward, grabbing the hat and smashing it onto her head. Spock reaches out and takes it back, then puts it on her head properly.

“Go put your shoes on,” he instructs. Saavik nods, running over to the doorway to grab them. He resists the urge to sigh, instead putting on his own hat and gloves. A moment later, he hears Saavik grunt; when he looks over, he sees her trying to grab David’s present from the counter. He walks over and picks it up, at which point Saavik frowns at him.

“Saavik, this gift is half your size. You are not big enough to carry it.”

Saavik huffs, folding her arms across her chest.

“David will like his present less if it is broken,” he reminds her.

It is Lego. It is already broken.

Spock purses his lips, then nods.

“I concede that point, but if the box is dented or broken the pieces may come loose while it is being transported to his home, making it difficult or impossible to complete the project.”

Saavik clenches her jaw, but huffs out a sigh, folding her arms across her chest.

In the back of his mind, Spock thinks Jim may have had a point about three year olds being as bad or even worse than two year olds.

“Are you ready to go?”

Saavik nods, and Spock picks up his bag from the table, pulling out his key fob before opening the door. As he locks it, the door to the apartment next to theirs opens.

“Oh, Saavik, Dr. Spock, hello!”

Spock turns, nodding at his neighbor.

“Ms. Delaney.” His eyes flicker down to her hands, and he raises an eyebrow. “Why are you carrying cat food?”

“Well, there’s been a cat hanging around the front of the building for a couple of days now. I’m trying to gain its trust so I can take it to the vet, poor thing’s been limping a bit.”

“I see. I hope that this endeavor is successful, then.”

“Yeah, me too.” She glances at the present in Spock’s hands. “You two off somewhere fun?”

“A birthday party for a friend of Saavik’s,” Spock answers. “It is at the zoo.”

“Oh, that sounds great! A little cold for it, though.”

“We will manage.”

“I’m sure you will.” Ms. Delaney holds up her can of cat food. “Well, I’ll let you get to it. Have a good day, Dr. Spock.”

She glances down, smiling.

“Bye, Saavik!”

Saavik hesitates, then nods, giving her a small wave. 

Spock cannot help the swell of pride in his chest as they walk toward the elevator.

---

Zoos are not present on Vulcan- indeed, while there are conservation efforts on the planet for their wildlife, most of them occur within specific natural habitats rather than in captivity. From what Spock has read, Earth made the shift over time to having more Vulcan-style conservation, but some zoos have remained for education purposes, such as the one in San Francisco.

All that to say, he is not entirely sure what to expect upon entering the zoo, outside of suppressing a shiver. There are few people, and most of them appear to be headed in the same direction. He recognizes a few of the adults as parents from Saavik’s class, so he assumes that they are heading toward the party and pulls Saavik along to follow them. 

They pass by several signs and the entrance to the lemur enclosure, something that Spock has to direct Saavik’s attention away from- at least for now. Later, she will likely demand they visit, in spite of the chill. They follow the others into a cafe, where another sign directs them towards the party room.

“Oh, Spock, Saavik!”

Spock only barely keeps himself from wincing as they turn the corner, instead inclining his head slightly.

“Carol,” he greets her. 

“It’s been a little bit,” she says correctly- it has in fact been just under three weeks since they last saw each other at a playdate. “How have you been?”

“Adequate,” Spock informs her, keeping his voice neutral and ignoring the churning in his gut. “And you?”

“I’ve been quite well. Work has been going really great.”

“Indeed? Have you been assigned to an interesting project?”

“Yes, actually. We’ve been expanding on that algae theory to see if the soil will-!”

There’s a sudden tug on Spock’s arm, pulling him down slightly. When he looks down, he sees that Saavik has slumped onto the floor.

“Saavik,” he says, “you must stand.”

Saavik grumbles, shaking her head. An image of her having grown a very long beard while Spock and Carol are still talking appears in his mind’s eye.

“Dr. Wallace and I have been speaking for less than two minutes.”

Saavik grumbles again, and Spock bites back a sigh. He hears a light chuckle, and when he turns he sees Carol with a bent knuckle against her lips, clearly attempting to suppress a smile.

“Sorry,” she says, “I just- well, it’s nice to know that three-year-old Vulcans and three-year-old Humans are alike in some ways.”

Again Spock resists the urge to sigh.

“I am looking forward to when this part is over,” he admits. 

“Oh, it’ll pass, but it’ll pass like a kidney stone.” She smiles down at Saavik. “Well, I’ll let you two get going, then.”

Saavik immediately stands up, pulling on Spock’s arm. 

“Saavik,” he warns. 

She makes a face, but stops pulling. 

Carol chuckles.

“Enjoy the party,” she says before walking toward the bathroom. 

Spock gives Saavik a look, then heads into the Lemur Room with her.

Now that they have been inside for a moment, Spock does feel better. He knows that will not be the case for long, as the weather is not optimal for this sort of outing. Chilled winds blow at random intervals, rustling the last leaves still gripping tight to the branches, and the sky is gray and gloomy in a way that indicates a rainstorm coming later tonight. 

It is, in all, not the sort of weather Spock is at all comfortable in.

And yet, when he sees Jim, with that bright smile on his face as he helps set up the speaker system, he finds he does not care. 

He also finds that he has the urge to kiss Jim. This is not unusual, as he always wants to kiss Jim. 

Jim gets enthusiastic about a topic and starts gesturing excitedly, and Spock wants to kiss him.

Jim laughs at Spock pretending not to understand a common English idiom, and Spock wants to kiss him.

Jim leans back in his office chair and puts his arms up to stretch, and Spock wants to kiss him.

Jim’s tongue darts out over his lips while he’s focusing on something, and Spock wants… something that is inappropriate to think about while in a public place, let alone while around children.

But still, he wants. 

He fully recognizes that the only thing keeping him from what he wants is his own concern over being touched, of course. 

Still.

Jim looks over at him, pulling him out of his thoughts. His eyes light up, and Spock’s heart skips a beat. He taps David on the shoulder, then points at Spock and Saavik.

“SAAVIK!” David shouts, running over to them. “Hi! I missed you!”

Spock declines to remind him that they saw each other two days ago.

“Happy birthday, David,” he says instead. Saavik signs the same thing.

“Thank you! I’m four now!” David declares, chest puffed out slightly. 

“That’s indeed how linear time works,” Jim says as he walks over to David’s side. His eyes flicker up toward Spock, and Spock only barely stops himself from smiling at him.

After all, their children both may still be small, but both are rather observant, and it is far too early for them to learn their parents are seeing each other. The less obvious they make it, the better.

“Mister Dr. Spock, is that for me?”

Spock looks down to see that David is pointing at the present.

“It is. Where are you putting the presents?”

“Over there!” David says, pointing over at a table with presents on it. “Come on, let’s go!”

He and Saavik begin running towards the table, and Jim chuckles as they start following them.

“Hi,” Jim says softly, just loud enough for Spock to hear him.

“Hello,” Spock replies. “How are you?”

“A little tired,” Jim admits. “David was really keyed up when Carol dropped him off yesterday. I hate to admit it, but I considered bribery just to keep him from bouncing off the walls all day long.”

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

“And did you resort to bribery?”

“Nah, that never ends well. He tired himself out eventually.”

Spock inclines his head.

“I admit, I also considered bribery today.”

Jim grins.

“Yeah? What was Saavik up to?”

“She refused to wear a hat. I attempted to reason with her, but I was unable to convince her until I pointed out that David would be sad if she became ill due to the cold.”

Jim chuckles just as they reach the present table.

“Well, you didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, at least.”

“Indeed not,” Spock says. He places the present near the back of the pile, wondering if the fact that Saavik’s gift is currently the largest one will look strange to others.

“Daddy, is it time to eat yet? I wanna show Saavik and Mister Dr. Spock the pizza we got special for them!”

Spock blinks, raising an eyebrow.

“You acquired a separate meal solely for our benefit?”

Jim clears his throat.

“Not, uh- not really, the zoo included a vegan cheese pizza in their party package.” He smiles. “I am glad that there’s something you two can eat, though.”

“I see. I’m sure Saavik will enjoy that.”

“Oh, you don’t like pizza, then?”

“As I have never had pizza, I cannot say for certain whether or not I enjoy it.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“You’ve never had pizza?”

“I have lived amongst Vulcans for nearly my entire life. At what point would I have had pizza?”

“You moved to Earth almost six months ago,” Jim points out.

Spock considers this, then nods. 

“I suppose that is a fair point. I had no desire to try pizza, so I did not.”

Jim grins.

“Well, you know what that means, then?”

“I do not.”

“You need to try it.”

Spock tilts his head.

“Do I?”

“You do. Pizza is delicious.”

“And if I do not enjoy it?”

“You will. I promise, Spock, no one on Earth truly dislikes pizza.”

“I find that statement to be exceedingly unlikely. Also, I am not from Earth.”

Jim rolls his eyes.

“You know what I meant. It’s a popular food for a reason.” Jim smiles at him. “Please, Spock? Give it a try for me?”

Spock’s will crumbles immediately, though he forces himself to hold out for several seconds before nodding. 

“Very well, I will try the pizza.”

“Great! Although, uh, we’re actually not gonna eat for a little bit longer. At least, not until after-!”

“Daddy, the reptile lady is here!”

Jim grins.

“That, actually.” He turns to look over at where a zookeeper has entered the room, followed shortly by Carol. She spots them immediately, smiling as she walks towards them.

Spock immediately takes a step back from Jim, who gives him a confused look.

“Hey!” Carol greets before Jim can say anything. “Everything going alright?”

Jim furtively glances at Spock before turning back to her.

“Yeah, everything’s set up. I even had enough time to convince Spock here to try pizza.”

Carol chuckles, glancing over at Spock.

“Being adventurous today, are we?”

“It is only polite to try food when offered, so long as said food is not toxic to your species,” Spock says neutrally.

Jim frowns again, but before he can say anything a number of children rush past them, heading for the back of the room.

“Oh, looks like it’s time for the show,” he comments.

Spock nods, then quietly walks towards one of the tables and sits down. A moment later, Jim takes the seat next to him.

He does not say anything. Spock is unsure whether to be grateful for that.

A moment later, he feels his comm buzz in his pocket.

Jim: It’s okay if you’re feeling uncomfortable around Carol, but you should know that she doesn’t have a problem with you, or us. 

Spock’s stomach drops a bit. He glances over at Jim, who gives him a soft look, before turning back to his comm.

Spock: Have you discussed it with her?

Jim: A little. She is my son’s mom, I feel like it’s a good idea to keep her apprised of the going-on’s in my life.

Jim: Is that a problem?

Spock pulls his lips tight, then releases the tension in his shoulders.

Spock: No. I understand why you felt it necessary to tell her. However, while she is David’s mother, she is also your ex-wife of only a few months, and I would not blame her if this was a difficult situation for her.

Jim doesn’t reply for a moment. At the front of the room, the children gasp as the zookeeper brings out a large boa constrictor.

When she launches into an explanation of how the snake catches prey, Spock’s comm buzzes again.

Jim: Carol and I called it quits a long time ago, Spock. Honestly, I think it’s been even longer that we weren’t in love with each other. We’ve both moved on.

Jim: More than anything, though, Carol is my friend, one who’s been encouraging me to ask you out since before the divorce was even official. Plus, if it turns out she does actually feel some kind of way about it, I know she’s more than capable of handling that like an adult. You don’t have to worry about her.

Spock pulls his lips tight again, glancing at Carol. She is chatting with another mother, laughing softly. She turns before Spock can look away, their eyes meeting.

She smiles, waving at him.

Spock blinks, then nods, turning back to his comm.

Spock: I suppose I should give her the benefit of the doubt. However, if she does feel any trepidation about the way my role in your life has changed, I would ask that you direct her to talk to me about it.

Jim: I will, but I’m sure she’d talk to you about it. She likes you.

Jim: Not as much as I do, of course, but well enough.

Spock’s lips twitch, but before he can respond Jim messages him again.

Jim: By the way, I like the little bit of purple eyeshadow you used today. It compliments your eyes wonderfully.

Heat floods Spock’s face; he closes his eyes, willing it away, then opens them again and glances over at Jim.

Jim is looking at the presenter, but there’s another smirk playing on his lips. 

Spock’s heart thuds in his side, and he suppresses a smile of his own. He turns his attention back to his comm.

Spock: Thank you. 

He hesitates, then keeps typing.

Spock: The way that single lock of hair curls onto your forehead makes you look very handsome.

He sends the second message, then surreptitiously glances over at Jim. He watches him grin, averting his eyes when he looks over at him.

A moment later, his comm buzzes again.

Jim: Why, Dr. Spock, I do think you’re getting the hang of this whole flirting thing.

Spock: I have an excellent teacher.

He hears Jim chuckle softly, and his stomach flips.

A second later, his comm buzzes.

Jim: What do you think about art museums?

Spock raises an eyebrow.

Spock: I suppose my opinion on such institutions in general is positive. Why do you ask?

Jim: There’s an exhibit on post first-contact Andorian art I’ve been wanting to see. Carol told me that she’s willing to take the kids next Sunday if you’d like to go.

Spock’s lips turn upward, then fall when he recalls something.

Spock: Next Sunday is a holiday, is it not?

Jim doesn’t respond right away; when Spock glances over at him, he sees that his lips are curled in a frown. His stomach drops.

His comm buzzes.

Jim: Yes, it is. Valentine’s Day. I’m guessing you know the significance of that?

Spock: I do.

He keeps typing, but before he can send his message another arrives from Jim.

Jim: I know it’s early on for that kind of thing, don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be a Valentine’s Day date, but I’d still like to see you.

Spock hesitates, glancing over at Jim, then starts typing.

Spock: Would you be opposed to it being a Valentine’s Day date?

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

Jim: Not especially, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to celebrate it.

Spock: I’d like to. I have never celebrated such a holiday before, and would be interested in experiencing such a date.

Once he sends the message, he glances over at Jim, heart rabbiting in his side.

It only beats faster when Jim slowly starts to smile.

Jim: Alright, then we’ll celebrate together.

Spock suppresses another smile, but before he can message back he gets a notification from another thread- when he taps on it, he sees that it’s a new group thread consisting of himself, Jim, and Carol.

Carol: You two do know that people have cottoned on to how you’re flirting with each other over comm messages, don’t you?

Spock’s head jerks up, eyes wide as he looks around. Sure enough, several parents, including Carol and the woman she’s sitting next to, are shooting them both amused looks. 

His cheeks heat as he slips his comm into his pocket; glancing over at Jim reveals his face is red as he does the same.

His only solace is that none of the children, including David and Saavik, seem to have noticed. 

---

The rest of the party goes well. Spock cannot say he likes pizza, but it is at least palatable, which Jim seems to take as a win. David is ecstatic about his gift, a Lego set of a (extremely simplified) physics lab, and thanks both Spock and Saavik profusely for it.

The way Jim looks at him while he does makes Spock’s stomach twist.

Soon enough, the party itself is over. As part of the package, though, the guests have all been given all-day access to the zoo.

Which has led to Spock’s current predicament.

“Saavik,” he starts slowly, “we cannot adopt a red panda as a pet.”

Saavik frowns.

Why not?

“Because they are not domesticated. They need to live in nature.”

But these do not live in nature. They live in San Francisco.

“In an enclosure that mimics their natural habitat.” A thought occurs to him. “Saavik, do you know how big our apartment is?”

Saavik frowns, then shakes her head.

“It is approximately 1,138 square feet- that is much smaller than the red panda’s enclosure. They would not be able to climb, or run, or do many of the things red pandas must do to be content. Indeed, it would be rather miserable for them.”

Saavik purses her lips, looking over at the enclosure before turning back to Spock.

They should keep living here, then.

Spock nods.

“That is the best place for them within the confines of the city.”

But we can get a pet that can live in an apartment?

Spock purses his lips.

“We will… discuss that later.”

Saavik seems pleased by that answer, and Spock exhales as he takes her arm to see another enclosure. 

“Oh, hey,” Jim says when they reach the prairie dogs. David is staring at them intently, seemingly unaware of their presence. “Had enough of the red pandas?”

“Saavik began demanding we get one as a pet,” Spock tells him. “I believed that was an appropriate time to direct her attention away from that particular enclosure.”

“Ah, wanting a wild animal as a pet, I know that all too well.”

“Was David also interested in the red pandas?”

“No, he wanted a kangaroo.”

Spock raises an eyebrow. Jim shrugs.

“We did live in a house at the time, but yeah, it was pretty unfeasible.” 

Spock hums, then pauses when he feels a sudden burst of sadness from Saavik’s end of the bond. He furrows his brow, turning to look at her. She is standing with her back to him, and when he follows her line of sight he sees her staring at a couple with a young child around her age. The daughter is describing something to one of her mothers, who is smiling down at her.

Spock feels a small ache around his heart. He walks over to Saavik, kneeling down beside her.

“Are you alright?” He asks in a soft voice.

She turns to him, her face inscrutable if not for the bond between them. An image of a nearby park bench flashes into Spock’s mind, and he nods, picking her up. 

“We will be a moment,” he tells Jim.

Jim nods, eyes soft. 

“Take all the time you need,” he says.

Spock inclines his head, then walks away, carrying Saavik over to the bench and setting her down before sitting next to her.

For a moment, they are both quiet.

Then, Saavik lifts her hands to sign.

Do you think my mother loved me?

Spock’s throat tightens for a moment. He thinks over his words carefully.

“I only knew your mother for five point two three minutes,” he begins, “but I am certain that she loved you more than anything in the galaxy.”

Saavik doesn’t sign for a moment.

I miss her.

Spock feels guilt through the bond, and he draws her close.

“There is no reason to feel guilty about that, Saavik.”

An image of his own face appears in his mind.

“My adoption of you does not erase the fact that she was your mother, nor does it erase your biological father. Nor does missing them mean you do not care about me.” 

Saavik sniffs, gripping her knees. Spock pets her hair gently.

“It is not wrong to miss them. They were your parents, just as much as I am your parent now. Missing them does not change that.”

Saavik turns her head into Spock’s chest, burying it in his coat. She does not sob, or make much noise at all, instead staying silent for a few moments before pulling away. Her face is slightly blotchy, and he wipes away her tear tracks.

“Do you feel you can walk to the restroom, or would you prefer that I carry you?”

She holds out her arms, and Spock nods before pulling her into them and standing up.

Saavik is quiet as he cleans her face, almost contemplative in a way. When he finishes disposing of the wipes, she tugs on his arm.

“Yes?”

Do you think that that girl’s parents were married?

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Most likely. Why do you ask?”

When will you get married?

Spock blinks.

“I… currently have no plans to get married,” Spock replies, banishing mental images of Jim clad in traditional Vulcan wedding robes from his mind.

It is far too soon to think of such things.

Why not?

“Typically, marriage is discussed within the confines of a long-term relationship, and I am not in one.”

Not yet, at least.

How long?

“Several years, usually.”

Saavik makes a face.

That’s too long. You should get married sooner than that.

“That is impractical.”

Saavik huffs.

But I want you to get married.

“For what reason?”

Grandmother says you should.

Spock resists the urge to sigh.

“Your grandmother has many opinions, Saavik. Some you should disregard.” He picks her up. “Now, I believe you wanted to see the lemurs?”

Saavik nods, previous questions thankfully forgotten. 

Still, when Spock sees Jim again, those same questions echo in his mind.

He won’t rush this. He cannot do that, not to himself, Jim, or the children.

But… perhaps imagining a future is not a step too far.

Notes:

things i spent way too long thinking about for this chapter:

whether saavik and spock could eat regular cheese pizza (i learned a lot about different kinds of vegetarianism, but eventually i figured "fuck it, they'll probably have figured out better non-dairy cheese in a couple centuries")

if the san francisco zoo's layout would be the same after two centuries (probably not but i don't know enough about zoo planning to change it)

thank you for reading! comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 24: i blinked and suddenly i had a valentine

“Saavik, it is nearly time to go to your playdate with David,” Spock calls as he grabs his coat. He hears her run down the hall, turning to see her struggling with her coat. He resists the urge to sigh, instead walking over to her and helping her put her coat on.

“You must behave for Dr. Wallace today, is that understood?”

Saavik nods, then lifts her hands to sign.

I will not interrupt your conversation with her again.

Spock shakes his head.

“I will not be staying today.”

Saavik blinks, furrowing her brow and turning her head.

Why not?

“I have alternate plans.”

With who?

“A friend.”

Saavik purses her lips.

Do I know them?

“Yes.”

Will I see them today?

“No. Go put on your shoes.”

Saavik pouts.

But I want to know who it is.

“Perhaps you will someday, but not right now. Now, put on your shoes.”

Saavik huffs, but acquiesces and walks to where her shoes are. 

“Are you ready to go?” Spock asks once her shoes are on. She nods, following him to the door. 

As he locks the door, he hears the apartment next to theirs open. 

“Hello, Ms. Delaney.”

“Oh, uh, hi, Dr. Spock,” Delaney replies, shifting a blanket under her arm. She is holding a can of cat food in one of her hands.

“Have you had no luck in capturing the cat over the past week?”

“I’m afraid not. Poor thing’s a bit skittish, even with the paw. I’m starting to think I might have to set a trap.”

Spock blinks. He feels mild distress from Saavik, which likely shows on her face if the way that Delaney waves her hands is any indication.

“Oh, um, not- not like in hunting, or anything, it’s just a cage with a door that you can pull closed from a distance.”

“Ah, I see. That does still seem like it would be a distressing experience for the animal, though.”

Delaney grimaces.

“Yes, well, there’s really only so much I can do if it won’t come to me of its own volition. I need to get it to the vet, after all.”

“I see. I continue to wish you success in this endeavor, then.”

Delaney gives him a tired smile.

“I hope I’ll be successful too. Have a good day, you two.”

Spock nods, and Saavik waves as Delaney leaves.

A moment later, Saavik tugs on his hand. He looks down at her, and she lifts her hands to sign.

Can we get a cat?

Spock purses his lips.

“Perhaps. I will have to think about it and research the topic.”

Saavik pouts.

Does that mean no?

“No, it means that we will see.” He takes her hand again. “Now, we are going to be late if we do not leave promptly.”

---

Spock frowns, furrowing his brow slightly. Colorful, heart-shaped packages with ribbons and pictures of roses on them sit on the shelf before him, somehow imposing in their appearance.

He has done some research on Valentine’s Day traditions, such as appropriate gifts- flowers and chocolate seem standard. The flowers he can judge well enough on his own, but the chocolate…

Well. He is Vulcan, and has never been overly interested in intoxicating substances outside of his single period of youthful rebellion. 

Spock looks around, craning his head a bit until he sees an employee stocking a shelf nearby.

“Excuse me,” he calls. The employee looks up at him, smiling politely.

“Yes?”

“Which of these would you choose to give to someone?” He asks, pointing at the display.

“Oh, well, it- it depends on what that person likes, I suppose.”

Spock frowns, turning back to the display.

“He has not given me any indication of what chocolate he prefers,” he murmurs. 

“Then I guess just milk chocolate, then? It’s a pretty typical flavor.”

Spock purses his lips, then nods, shifting his attention to the milk chocolate selection. His eyes skim over several, mentally discarding the packages bearing logos or words like “be mine,” before eventually landing on a red heart with a simple white bow. 

“Thank you for your assistance,” he says to the employee.

“Of course! Let me know if you need anything else.”

Spock nods, then leaves the aisle to get the flowers.

At which point he finds a new issue- namely, that the arrangements for sale in this store are much more… ostentatious than the flowers he had purchased for Jim previously. There are plenty of bouquets, but most are large and complex, and to be frank, he could not fit most of the larger ones in his car even if he thought Jim would like them.

Spock holds back a grimace, then walks into the garden section. It takes approximately seven point two minutes of searching for him to find something suitable, a small bouquet with a mix of red roses, white lilies, and white daisies. 

On his way to the check-out lane, he passes an aisle labelled “greeting cards.” He stops, looking in. 

The Net did say that greetings cards were also traditional.

Yet again, though, there is an issue- most of the cards are either meant to be humorous (he thinks), or overly sentimental for this point in his and Jim’s relationship. Either choice would likely be seen as strange.

After a moment of debate, Spock chooses one that simply wishes the receiver a “happy Valentine’s Day,” then heads for the check-out lane. 

“Seeing someone special today?” The clerk asks as he scans Spock’s items. 

Spock resists the urge to flush, clearing his throat and glancing away.

“Yes,” he answers. “He is.”

---

Spock: I have arrived at your building. I will be at your door in approximately two minutes.

Jim: Little faster than usual today?

Spock: The lobby is empty, I assume it will be easier to get there.

Jim: Good to hear. See you in a minute :)

Spock allows himself a small smile as he enters the lift, slipping his comm into his pocket. He shifts his gifts in his arms, taking a breath and exhaling when the doors open to Jim’s floor.

A moment later, he knocks on Jim’s front door. Jim opens it, smiling, and Spock’s heart skips a beat.

“Hey there.” His eyes flicker downward, and he grins. “Flowers, chocolate, and a card?”

“I saw that it was traditional,” Spock says. 

Jim chuckles, taking both the flowers and chocolates from him.

“You know, you don’t have to keep giving me things.”

Spock tilts his head.

“Do you not want me to?”

“Well, I didn’t say that,” Jim replies. “Thank you, Spock. I’ll take care of these and we’ll be off.”

Spock nods, following him inside and watching as he preps the flowers to be put in a vase. His eyes catch on a small box on the counter nearby; he walks over to it, inspecting it.

“Ah, hold on just a second!” Jim calls while he puts the flowers in the vase. He walks over to Spock’s side, picking the box up and presenting it to Spock. “Didn’t get you a card or anything, but I thought you might like this.”

Spock purses his lips as he takes the box, taking the top off and peering into it.

“What… are these?” He asks after a moment, pulling a small bag out of the box.

“Tea bags. Specifically, different kinds of Earth teas- chamomile, mint, Earl Grey, things like that. I know you like tea, so I thought I’d get you some.”

Spock’s heart warms as his stomach sinks. Jim blinks, then frowns.

“You… don’t like it?”

“It is not that. It is simply… you went out of your way to purchase me something relevant to my interests and preferences, whereas I simply went with what I was told was traditional.”

Jim’s eyes widen, then soften.

“Oh, Spock, it’s alright.”

“It seems unequal.”

“I’m telling you it’s not. Do you know how few people I’ve dated have gone out of their way to try even this much?”

Spock furrows his brow.

“Simply putting in effort shouldn’t be enough to satisfy you. You deserve more than that, Jim.”

Jim blushes, but grins.

“I’m not saying I’m settling, Spock, I’m saying that you putting in effort is something I appreciate. Besides, it’s not like you’re doing the bare minimum: need I remind you that you learned how to make my favorite food for me?” He takes a step towards him. “I like you, and I like that you’re trying, even though it perhaps doesn’t come naturally to you. That’s all.”

Spock holds back a blush and a smile, looking away.

“If you are certain.”

“I am. Now, come on, I don’t want to risk Carol’s patience too much.”

---

“... I found it interesting how the portrayal of Vulcans changed over time,” Jim says as they exit the elevator. “Especially how awful they looked during your cold war.”

“Given the circumstances by which we came to that cold war, I cannot entirely blame them,” Spock muses. “Vulcan High Command was nothing if not overly paranoid by that point in time.”

Jim hums just as they reach his front door, putting his hands in his pockets.

“I had a wonderful time today,” he says, smiling up at him.

“As did I.” 

Neither speak for a moment. Spock’s eyes drift down to Jim’s lips, studying the light pinkness of them, the smooth skin, the way they part-!

“Spock-?”

“May I kiss you?” 

Jim blinks, lips parting a bit. Spock’s stomach flips as he glances away, biting back an apology.

He wants this.

“Um- what?”

“May I kiss you?” Spock repeats.

Jim’s cheeks flush, and he clears his throat.

“I- you don’t have to if you aren’t comfortable with it, Spock.”

Spock takes a breath.

“If I only do what I am comfortable with, Jim, there will be too many things in my life that I will not be able to experience.” He takes a step forward. “More importantly, I have thought about it, and I… I want to.”

Jim’s lips slowly crawl into a smile. 

“Yeah? You think about kissing me a lot, Dr. Spock?”

“Quite often,” Spock confirms. 

Jim hums, taking a step forward. 

“Well, it seems we’re in the same boat, then.” There is only a few inches between them now. “So if you’re sure, then go ahead-!”

Spock leans in, capturing his lips with his own. 

He’s imagined this moment hundreds of times before. He’s imagined it being gentle, sweet, even hungry- but the reality far surpasses any of that. 

It’s like being pulled underwater, being kissed by Jim Kirk. Like he’s surrounded, cradled in warmth and affection. Jim puts his hands on his shoulders, turns his head just so, but never pushes him further. Spock moves his hands to cradle his cheeks, fingers tingling when one brushes his left temple.

All too soon, Spock senses Jim’s need for air. He pushes down a twinge of regret, pulling back just enough to break the kiss. He feels Jim gasp against his lips, and heat flares out from his stomach.

“... wow,” Jim says quietly. 

“Indeed,” Spock agrees. Jim laughs, and Spock’s stomach flips again as his joy buzzes under his fingertips. Reluctantly, he moves his hands to Jim’s shoulders.

“... you were going to ask me something?” 

“Hm? Oh, um…” Jim clears his throat, his ears reddening slightly. “Well, I- I don’t want to- to do anything that…”

He trails off, and Spock frowns.

“I would ask that you speak your mind, Jim.”

Jim hesitates, then takes a breath.

“I know we said we’d take things slow,” he starts, “and if you want to keep doing that, I understand. I don’t want to rush you.”

Heat begins to crawl up Spock’s neck.

“What… what are you suggesting?”

Jim swallows, then takes a breath.

“Spock, will you go out with me?”

Spock blinks, excess heat draining away from his face as he raises an eyebrow.

“I… do not understand. Have we not been ‘going out’ for the past several weeks?”

“Well, yes, but- I’m asking if you’d like to make it official.”

“Official in what way?”

“You know, our relationship. Being… together. Officially.”

Spock furrows his brow.

“I am still unclear as to what you are-!”

“Spock,” Jim interrupts, eyes full of both warmth and exasperation, “I’m asking if you’d like to be my boyfriend.”

Spock blinks again before his face heats once more.

“I…” He starts, only to find that his words have quite escaped him. Instead, he nods, and Jim’s face lights up. 

“I want to kiss you again. Is that alright?”

Spock nods again, and Jim grins before leaning in, pressing their lips together once more. It is no more than just that, a press, but it is enough to send warmth spiraling through Spock all the way down to his toes.

“Message me when you get home safe,” Jim says after he pulls back. His cheeks are flushed, eyes bright, and Spock-

Spock stares. He cannot stop himself.

“Spock?” Jim asks. “You alright-?”

“You are beautiful.”

Jim blinks, at which point Spock realizes that that was perhaps a rather strange thing to say. He clears his throat, glancing away.

“I… I apologize, I should not have-!”

He hears a muffled sound, and when he looks back he sees that Jim is laughing. His heart flips at the sight, lips parting as he watches his shoulders shake.

“Well, I’m glad my boyfriend thinks I’m pretty,” Jim teases once he’s calmed down a bit. He leans up, kissing him chastely. “Especially considering how pretty he is.”

Spock blushes, but allows himself a small smile.

“Thank you.”

“Of course.” Jim smiles. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Dr. Spock.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Commander Kirk.”

Notes:

sorry for the short chapter! had some family stuff to take care of that involved travel, and... well, honestly the state of my country has been inspiring an unhealthy amount of doomscrolling lmao. hope everyone is doing as well as they can right now!

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "valentine" by laufey)

Chapter 25: ashaya

Notes:

before i run down the tw's for this chapter, i just want to make it clear: the cat is fine!

tw: animal in danger, sick/injured animal, discussion of animal death, discussion of past euthanasia, pet abandonment

It is, overall, a very normal morning. 

Saavik was at his door wanting breakfast at approximately six twenty-eight AM, as usual. 

Spock made them both kreila and orange juice, as usual. 

Saavik complained as he brushed her hair, as usual. 

They were out the door by seven AM, as usual. 

Jim messaged him a “good morning Spock! Can’t wait to see you” at approximately five minutes past seven, as (more recently) usual.

Indeed, as they approach Spock’s car in the parking garage, he has no reason to suspect anything about today will be out of the ordinary. 

Just as Spock is about to open the car door, however, he hears something… strange. He frowns, looking around, but finds nothing out of the ordinary on sight alone. He purses his lips, but goes to open the door.

Which is when he hears it again. A small, high-pitched noise.

Saavik tilts her head.

What is that sound?

“I do not know. Stay by the door.”

Saavik nods, fisting her hands in her coat. 

Spock walks around the car, listening carefully for another occurrence of the strange noise. Looking around the hover wheels reveals nothing, as does observing the trunk. There is no sign of damage to the windows, so it is unlikely that it is coming from within the cab.

It is not until he is standing in front of the vehicle that he hears it again. That high-pitched noise, almost a whine, coming from the engine compartment.

Spock resists the urge to grimace. If there is something amiss with the engine, it will be quite inconvenient to fix it. 

“Saavik, I am going to open the hood. Stay where you are.”

Saavik nods again, though she appears more curious than nervous now. 

Spock walks over to the driver’s side front door, opening it. He leans over, pressing the button to release the hood, then gets back out and walks in front of the car. At first glance, there is nothing amiss as far as he can tell, except-

There. Something is moving near the cooling system. Spock frowns, pulling his comm out of his pocket and turning on the flashlight.

A pair of wide green eyes stares back at him. 

Spock blinks. 

“Hello,” he offers. “How did you get in there?”

The brown and white cat growls, clearly frightened and trying to look more intimidating than it actually is. Its fur is surprisingly curly, though dirty and slightly matted.

“I would appreciate it if you were to come out of there on your own. I suspect neither of us will enjoy it if I have to pull you out.”

The cat hisses in response, large ears folding downward, and Spock resists the urge to sigh.

“Very well, then.” He moves his comm to his other hand, then, glad he is already wearing gloves, reaches into the engine. 

The cat screeches, swatting at his hand and wrist before he manages to grab it, still squirming as he pulls it out. Saavik gasps in excitement, but stays where she is.

“There. That is much less dangerous for-!”

The cat attempts to bite him. The tips of its fangs only barely brush his skin through the glove.

“That will not work,” he tells it. “If you would release me, then I will put you down and we can go our separate ways.”

The cat does release him, but just as Spock is about to put it down it wheezes, a cacophonic squeaking noise filling Spock’s ears. He frowns, noting the scabbing on one tip of its ear and the way it seems to be trying to hide one of its paws. 

After a moment, he shrugs off his coat, wrapping it around the cat and tucking the bundle under his arm. He walks over to where Saavik is still standing, opening the door. He manages to get her into the car seat, then gets into his own seat.

“Computer, engage self-driving function and set a course for the nearest emergency veterinary clinic.”

---

The cat lets out a plaintive meow as Spock gets out of the car, though it does not move much. 

“I apologize, I am certain this is uncomfortable for you,” Spock replies as he opens the door to help Saavik out. 

Is the cat alright?

“I do not know for certain. That is why we are here.”

Saavik frowns, but follows him into the clinic.

“Excuse me,” he calls out to the receptionist. He turns, eyebrows rising when he sees the cat.

“Oh, no! What happened to this poor thing?”

“I am uncertain. I found it in my car’s engine, and when I retrieved it from there it began to wheeze. Additionally, there appears to be something wrong with its paw.”

“Poor baby,” he says as he takes the still-bundled cat from Spock. “Hang on a moment and I’ll get you your coat back.”

Spock nods, watching as the cat is handed off to a veterinarian’s assistant and taken to the back. He looks at his comm, frowning at the time, then opens up the Academy’s messaging app to inform his students that he may be late for class today.

“There you are,” the assistant says when she returns, coat in hand. “You did the right thing bringing her to us.”

“Her?”

“Well, from a cursory glance at least. Anyway, we’ll take it from here.”

Spock nods.

“Thank you.” He turns to look at Saavik. “Come along, Saavik.”

Saavik frowns, shaking her head.

I want to see the cat.

“The cat is being taken care of by this office’s staff. They are more capable of helping her than we are.”

But what will happen when she is better?

Spock purses his lips before turning to the receptionist.

“What will happen to the cat once she is deemed well?”

“Oh, well, we’ll check and see if she’s chipped, but if we can’t find an owner we’ll probably take her to the nearby shelter.”

A bolt of despair comes through the bond. When Spock looks down, he sees Saavik looking up at him with pleading eyes.

Can we come check on her after school?

Spock resists the urge to sigh.

“Saavik, I have a class taking a test today, I will have work to do.”

Please?

Spock presses his lips together, then turns back to the receptionist.

“At what time do you believe you will send the cat to the shelter?”

The receptionist and the assistant share a look.

“Er, it- it depends on what care the cat needs. It’s entirely possible she’ll need to stay overnight,” the assistant says.

“If you’re interested, we could message you with updates,” the receptionist offers.

Spock considers this, then nods, pulling his comm out of his pocket.

“Very well. What is the comm number for this office?”

The receptionist inputs the number into his comm, then hands it back. 

“We’ll let you know when we know more about her status.”

Spock nods, then looks down at Saavik.

“Is that satisfactory?”

Saavik still seems pensive, but nods.

“Good. We have to go to the Academy now.”

Saavik nods again, taking hold of his sleeve and walking with him.

When Spock glances down at her, he sees that she is still looking at the receptionist’s desk.

---

Saavik is quiet on the drive over to the Academy, lacking her regular exuberance concerning getting to see David and her other friends. 

If he had the time, Spock would check on her, but unfortunately their diversion towards the emergency vet made it so that he had to rush to get to class. For a period of time, he was too busy to think on it much, but once he administered the test to his 10:00 AM class, he found himself with the opportunity to do so.

He glances at his comm, eyes skimming over his message thread with Jim. He recalls something, then begins typing.

Spock: You had a cat when you were younger, did you not?

Jim doesn’t respond immediately. Given that his message goes unread for several minutes, he assumes that he is teaching. He turns back to his work, only looking at his comm again when it buzzes against his desk.

Jim: I did, why?

Spock: I found a cat in my hovercar’s engine compartment this morning. 

Jim: Is the cat okay?

Spock: She began wheezing after I removed her from the car, and she appeared to have hurt one of her front paws. I took her to the emergency veterinarian’s office before coming to work. They have not yet updated me on her status.

Jim: Poor thing. I hope she’s alright. 

Jim: What’s the problem, though?

“Dr. Spock, there’s an issue with the test.”

Spock blinks, looking up and raising an eyebrow. He does not think that is likely, but he’d rather not deal with an argument from a student during a test.

“One moment, please.”

Spock: It will be easier to explain in person. Would you like to have lunch?

Jim: Of course :) see you in a bit!

Spock suppresses the upward turn of his lips as he gets out of his chair.

---

Spock’s class ends at eleven forty-five AM, exactly fifteen minutes before his office hours begin. At three minutes past twelve, he arrives on his and Jim’s floor. He first stops in the break room to retrieve his and Jim’s lunches, then walks over to Jim’s office. 

“Hello, Jim-!”

Jim jolts in his chair, sloshing a bit of water on himself. He coughs and splutters, placing his water bottle on the desk as he tries to compose himself.

“I apologize, are you alright?”

Jim holds up a finger while coughing, shaking his head.

“I-!” He coughs again. “Yeah, you- you startled me, but I’m fine.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, Spock sees him move something orange into a desk drawer. Before he can question it, Jim looks up at him, smiling.

“Lunch already, then?”

Spock frowns, but lifts the containers slightly.

“Yes. I hope you do not mind that I retrieved yours from the break room.”

“Not at all, that was nice of you.” Jim gets up, walking over to him and taking the container with his name on it. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

Spock blushes slightly at the nickname, as he did the first time Jim employed it three days ago. Jim grins, then leans in for a kiss. His pulse is slightly elevated above where it has been in their past seven kisses, and there is a strange undercurrent to his surface thoughts that Spock doesn’t have time to identify before he pulls away. 

“Come on, let’s eat,” he says, turning back toward his desk.

Spock frowns, but follows.

“Jim, are you alright?” He asks while taking the seat across from Jim.

Jim falters a bit as he sits down. His smile does not quite reach his eyes.

“Of course. Why do you ask?”

“You seem… preoccupied.”

Jim winces, clearing his throat.

“I just…” He sighs. “I suppose I’m feeling a little down, yes. Sometimes that happens to Humans.”

“I am aware. May I ask why you are, as you say, feeling a little down?”

To his surprise, Jim shakes his head.

“It’s- it’s nothing, Spock, really. Don’t worry about me.”

Spock frowns.

“I am your partner. By definition, being concerned about you is an essential part of the relationship.”

“No, you’re supposed to care about me, not worry. There’s a difference.”

“I don’t see how. Besides that, if you are unhappy, I would like to know, and I would…” Spock falters a bit, ears heating at the tips. “I would want to comfort you through it.”

Slowly, Jim starts to smile, though there’s still a hesitant look in his eyes.

“That’s sweet, but I’m alright, really.”

Spock frowns.

“You are certain?”

“Yeah, I am. Thank you for asking, though.”

“... very well, then. However, if you change your mind, I will be willing to listen.”

Jim smiles, then starts unpacking his lunch.

“Now, tell me about this cat. You found it in your car?”

“Yes, under the hood. I believe she is a mix of a devon rex and another breed, perhaps some kind of tuxedo cat.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“I didn’t know you knew anything about cat breeds.”

Spock clears his throat as he opens the top of his container.

“I do not. I had a moment to look it up during the testing period.”

Jim snorts.

“So, you found a cat that’s probably a devon rex and something else in your car. Bit of a strange start to the morning, but I’m not seeing what you need advice on.”

Spock clears his throat.

“Saavik has been asking me about getting a cat.”

Jim blinks, then smiles.

“Ah, I see. And this is the cat that she wants, then?”

“She does seem somewhat attached,” Spock says. “And while I am not opposed to potentially adopting a cat, I do have some concerns.”

Jim hums, propping his head up with his elbow.

“Like what, exactly?”

“The less concerning issue is that I do not know very much about cats, nor how to care for them. Obviously, this can be easily remedied.”

Jim shrugs.

“I won’t say cats are easy, exactly- lots of people think they’re lower maintenance than dogs, but that can depend on the cat, and you still have to put work into making sure they’re properly stimulated and happy. I do think you’re fully capable of doing that, though.”

Spock nods.

“The other and more pressing issue is…” Spock hesitates, glancing away. “I am uncertain if this cat is… well. The wheezing is concerning.”

Jim shrugs. 

“It’s probably just an upper respiratory infection. Cats get them all the time, same as Humans. They’ll put her on some medication and she’ll be fine in a week or so.”

“And if she is not?” Spock counters. “What if it is something more serious, and there is nothing to be done for the cat?”

Jim’s eyebrows rise before his eyes soften a bit.

“You’re worried how she’ll feel if the cat dies.”

Spock takes a breath.

“Do you recall how I told you that I-Chaya intervened when I was attacked by a le-matya?”

Jim nods.

“Because of his intervention, the le-matya struck him with its poisonous claws. Due to his age and already poor health, he… there was nothing to be done but to choose to peacefully end his suffering. Because he was mine, I had to make the decision to euthanize him.” Spock takes a breath. “It was a difficult decision to make, but it was one I credit with helping me learn logic and emotional control.”

He tents his hands.

“However, I was much older than Saavik is now, and she has only just begun learning emotional control herself. My concern is that if the cat does not survive, she will not be able to handle it.”

Jim smiles softly.

“I understand why you’re concerned. Explaining that kind of thing to a child, especially one as young as Saavik, is never easy.” He reaches over the desk, putting a hand on Spock’s forearm. “But in all likelihood, the cat will be okay. No reason to borrow trouble where you don’t have to.”

Spock hesitates, then nods.

“I suppose you have a point. There is no logic in worrying about things which may never come to pass.”

“See? Human logic isn’t so bad sometimes.” He pulls back his hand and opens up his utensil kit. “Now, tell me: have you been thinking of potential names for this cat?”

“I’ve decided to leave that to Saavik.”

“Oh, be careful there, little kids sometimes come up with weird names for things.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“That sounds like knowledge gained from experience.”

Jim grins.

“Honey was almost named Glendale.”

Spock blinks, furrowing his brow.

“Glendale?”

“My dad was on the USS Glendale at the time. Mom managed to talk me out of it, thankfully…”

---

At approximately three twenty-eight PM, Spock receives a message from the clinic saying that they have finished diagnosing the cat, as well as a request to return at his earliest convenience if he is still interested.

Though a pit of dread settles in his stomach, he knows Saavik will not let this go easily, and so he tells them that they will be at the clinic approximately twenty minutes after his regular pick-up time for Saavik.

Saavik practically jumps out of her seat the moment they park at the clinic; Spock barely catches her in time to keep her from tearing across the lot. 

“Saavik,” he scolds. She huffs, but holds onto him as they head inside.

“Oh, you’re back!” The receptionist greets them. 

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I did ask to be notified on the cat’s status.”

He shrugs.

“Even still, not everyone chooses to come back. I’ll get Dr. Chutkan, she wanted to talk to you.”

Saavik’s grip on his wrist tightens, and Spock sends her reassurance through the bond.

A moment later, the door to the back opens, revealing a deep-skinned woman in a lab coat and scrubs. 

“Spock?”

“That would be me,” he says. “What did you learn about the cat?”

“Well, it looks like our little friend is about two years old. She calmed down after a while, and seems pretty okay with the vet techs now. Given that and the fact that she’s fixed, my assumption is that she used to be a housecat.”

Spock feels disappointment sink in from Saavik’s end of the bond, and he sends comfort towards her.

“I see. Have you located her owner, then?”

“Well, that’s the thing. She’s not chipped, and looking through local missing pet listings on the ‘Net hasn’t yielded any answers.”

Spock blinks.

“Meaning…?”

“If she has an owner, they haven’t made much of an effort to look for her- not enough that we’d be able to return her to them without a lot more searching. My guess is that she’s been abandoned, which explains why she’s in rough shape.”

“Her paw and ear,” Spock notes.

“Mm. Likely got into a scrape with other strays and wasn’t great at defending herself. The ear’s fine, but she does have a broken toe. We’ve put her in a splint to help with that.”

“And the wheezing?”

“Upper respiratory infection- feline calicivirus to be exact.”

“And… that is…?”

Dr. Chutkan smiles.

“Perfectly treatable. With medicine and rest she’ll be okay in a few days.”

Spock has to actively prevent his shoulders from sagging in relief.

“I am gratified to hear that.”

“Me too. Of course, that leads us to a new problem.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“What would that be?”

“Feline calicivirus is highly contagious. The shelter won’t take her, and we can’t hold her here overnight. We’ll have to send out for an emergency foster.”

Spock frowns, then glances down at Saavik. He clears his throat, folding his arms behind his back.

“What exactly would one have to do to foster her?”

Dr. Chutkan blinks, then smiles.

“Just some paperwork. Then they could take her home with them.”

Saavik perks up, eyes wide. 

“Very well. And where would one find a carrier to take said cat home with them?”

“There’s a pet store a couple blocks from here. I’d also pick up some food, a litter box and kitty litter, maybe a few toys- all things I can give someone looking to foster a list of. Oh, and we’ll dispense the medicine she needs here.”

Spock nods.

“I would appreciate that.” He turns to look at Saavik. “Saavik, would you be amenable to-?”

Saavik nods rapidly, lifting her hands.

Yes, please!

Spock suppresses a smirk, instead looking back at Dr. Chutkan. 

“Would it be more expeditious to file the paperwork before I go to get supplies, or vice versa?”

“It takes a minute to file the paperwork, so we can do that first,” Dr. Chutkan says as she picks up a PADD. “You’ll need to put down your name and address- oh, and we usually have fosters give the cat a placeholder name if we haven’t assigned one already.”

Spock nods, looking down at Saavik.

“What do you think her name should be?”

Saavik hums, then nods. A name appears in Spock’s mind, and while he cannot help but raise an eyebrow at it, he nods.

“Ashaya. An interesting choice.” He returns the PADD to Dr. Chutkan, who gives him a list. “Thank you. We will return shortly.”

“Of course. We’ll be waiting.”

He nods, then looks down at Saavik, who grabs his arm and starts pulling him toward the exit.

She is practically skipping on the way to the car, and Spock allows himself a small smile.

Notes:

for the next twenty years, jim and spock have this conversation: "ashaya?" "yes, dear?" "... i was calling the cat"

thank you so much for 500 kudos! i really do appreciate every single one of you

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 26: first fight

Notes:

tw: past near-death experience, panic attack, internalized ableism, reference to medicine misusage, referenced past toxic relationship

“Paging Republic. Come in, Republic.”

No answer. Still no answer.

Only static.

“Republic, this is Lieutenant Jim Kirk. Do you read me?”

No answer. With shaking hands, he presses more buttons.

“This is Lieutenant Jim Kirk of the USS Republic, does anyone read me?”

More static fills his ears. His heart is in his throat.

The smell of rot- of death-

“Come on, someone out there has to read me! There has to be someone!”

He keeps pressing buttons. He loses track of which ones.

“Someone, anyone, please, just-! I can’t be alone out here, please!”

The lights of the shuttle dim, the whirring of its internal systems lowering. 

“No, no, no, don’t-! Someone, help me!”

The cabin goes dark. Only one light remains- the oxygen meter.

“Please, please, please…”

It ticks down, down, down, the air thins, he can’t-

Can’t breathe-

Jim’s own strangled cry wakes him, heart thumping in his chest and tears in his eyes. He blinks in the dark, gulping down air while he clutches at his thin sleep shirt and tries to calm his thoughts before they completely spin out of control.

In, one… two… three… four.

Out, one… two… three… four.

Over and over. 

Until his lungs don’t feel like they’re on fire.

Until the knot in his chest loosens. 

Until his body finally relaxes. 

Jim stares up at the ceiling, watching the shadows dance across it.

He takes stock of himself.

He’s not sweaty this time, which is good. 

Heart rate’s going a mile a minute, but slowing down.

Breathing, about the same.

Some exhaustion in his extremities. He was pretty tired when he went to bed, but he had trouble falling asleep after-

- rescued after being stranded for sixteen hours-

After reading that article.

He exhales slowly.

“Just a nightmare,” he reminds himself. “I’m on Earth. It’s not gonna happen again.”

He’s fine.

It’s fine.

He hears a creak.

“Daddy?”

Jim inhales sharply through his nose, eyes wide as he turns to look at the door to his bedroom.

He plasters on a gentle smile, hoping David can’t see him too well in the dark.

“Hey, buddy,” he says softly. “Everything okay?”

“Um… I had a bad dream.”

Join the club, he thinks.

“Yeah? Come on up, then.”

David runs across the floor and clambers onto the bed. Jim picks him up, grunting as he turns him onto the other side. David snuggles in close, clutching his shirt, and Jim wraps an arm around him.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Big monster,” he mumbles into Jim’s shirt. “Tried to eat me.”

“Ah, I see.” He strokes David’s back. “You know I’d never let that happen, right? Your mommy wouldn’t either.”

“Or Mister Dr. Spock?”

“No, I don’t think he’d let something like that happen to you either. We all want to keep you safe.” 

David hums, snuggling against him.

“... Daddy?”

“Mmhm?”

“Do you have bad dreams?”

Jim hesitates.

“Sometimes,” he admits. 

“What are your bad dreams about?”

“Well… sometimes I dream that I have a big test coming up for a class I haven’t been to all year.”

David looks up at him, frowning.

“That’s silly. You’re an instructor, so you make the tests.”

“It’s a dream I’ve had since I was still taking tests, though,” Jim explains. “Dreams are the brain's way of processing things while you’re unconscious. Researchers think that a dream like the one I’m describing means you feel unprepared for something important.”

“What does dreaming about big scary monsters mean?”

“Oh, that does mean a big scary monster is gonna try to eat you,” Jim replies nonchalantly.

David giggles.

“No it doesn’t!”

“Oh, but it does. Don’t worry, though. I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

“And Mommy and Mister Dr. Spock?”

“And Mommy and Mister Dr. Spock,” Jim confirms.

David hums, settling against him.

“... Daddy?”

“Mm?”

“Do you think Mister Dr. Spock has bad dreams too?”

Jim pauses, thinking.

“... you know, I don’t actually know. Vulcans are very different from us, they might not have dreams.”

“Saavik does. She told me she dreams about tomatoes and whales and stuff.”

“Huh. Well, maybe he does, then.” 

David hums, snuggling into him. He’s quiet for a while, and his breathing evens out enough that Jim almost thinks he’s fallen asleep.

“... Daddy?”

Jim bites back a sigh.

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“I love you.”

Jim blinks, then smiles, ducking his head to kiss the top of David’s. 

“I love you too, David. Get some sleep, okay? I’ll be here.”

“Okay. You sleep too.”

Jim’s stomach clenches, and he forces a smile.

“I will. Now go to sleep.”

David hums, falling quiet again. His breathing evens out once more, and after a while, Jim hears soft snores.

Jim lays there holding him until the sun rises.

---

The morning is… okay. Nothing out of the ordinary, at least. Breakfast, bringing David to daycare, teaching his morning classes- all normal.

It’s not like yesterday. 

Not until he passes by the holovision in the lounge on his way to his office, at least. 

“... more details on the stranding in the Beta quadrant…”

And Jim just… stops. 

He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to hear any of this, knows he shouldn’t hear any of this, but he can’t- can’t move, he’s rooted to the spot and-

“... Starfleet has reported that there were no casualties…”

For some reason, that does make him move. He runs for the lift, trying to remember his breathing exercises and ultimately failing, and he doesn’t quite register getting into the lift until he’s walking out of it, but he keeps going, gets into his office and leans against the wall as he tears through his bag in search of what he needs. 

Light hits the fluorescent orange bottle, and he grabs it. His hands shake as he fumbles with the bottle- damn childproof cap. It clatters onto the floor once he gets it off, he’ll have to grab it later, but right now he’s busy clawing out the pills. He gets two out, pops them into his mouth, grabs his water bottle from the side pocket of his bag. Somehow, he manages not to spill any water when he takes a drink, swallowing down the pills just barely slowly enough not to choke on them.

It takes a moment, a moment long enough that he starts to worry that it didn’t work, that he’s going to die in his office. Eventually, though, his heart rate slows. He takes a long, deep breath, lets the air fill his lungs as his body relaxes little by little. 

He’s okay. Jim’s okay.

He takes another deep breath, then opens his eyes. 

“Fuck,” he swears. “I really need to stop looking at the news for a little while.”

His shoulders sag as he looks down, grimacing when he notices the cap on the floor. He sighs, then bends over, picking it up and putting it back on the bottle. 

For a moment, Jim just looks at the bottle, considering the little circular pills inside.

The complicated relationship he has with them. How they’ve kept him from spiralling off into madness, yet also put a firm ceiling on where his career can go.

Though, he must admit, that might have happened anyway, pills or no pills.

Either way, here he is, standing in his office staring at a fluorescent orange bottle with a white cap and the words “Alprazolam 1 mg” printed on the label. 

Maybe he’ll be more upset about it later, he thinks. Right now at least, he feels okay.

Then the door opens.

“Jim?”

Jim jolts, the bottle slipping out of his hand and rolling toward the door.

“Ah, Spock, I…” Jim trails off when he sees Spock bend over and pick the bottle up. His heart skips a beat, though not into full panic mode thankfully. 

“You dropped this,” Spock says, holding the bottle out.

“Uh, yeah, thanks,” Jim says, taking the bottle back from him. He slips it back into his bag, trying to look as nonchalant as possible.

“Are you not feeling well?”

“Hm?” Jim says, looking up. Spock’s eyebrows are knit together in a micro-expression of concern. 

“That was a medication bottle. Are you ill?”

“Oh, um, no, I…” Jim glances away. “It’s, uh… pain relief.”

The eyebrows remain knit.

“Pain relief?”

“Yeah, I have an old… back injury. Been flaring up a little, so I took something to help with that.”

Not technically a lie, his back has hurt a little recently.

It’s because David is growing too big to be lifted up into the air, but Spock doesn’t necessarily need to know that right now.

“Surely there are better ways to rectify it than with pain management.”

“Well, yes, but they’re all surgical, and I- I don’t really have the time for the recovery, you know?”

Spock’s eyebrows finally relax a bit.

“I see. Is there anything I can do to assist?”

A warm feeling blooms in Jim’s chest, and he smiles as he shakes his head.

“No, I’m alright, really.” He leans in, kissing him softly. “But it’s sweet of you to offer.”

He pats him on the shoulder.

“Now, come on. Let’s have lunch and you can tell me how Ashaya is settling in.”

Jim has to try very hard not to laugh at how Spock’s eyes brighten- in a very similar way to how they do when he talks about Saavik, actually.

“She hid in various places in the apartment for most of the evening.”

“That’s pretty normal. She’ll likely start warming up to you within the next couple of days.”

“She already has. She was waiting at my bedroom door this morning.” Spock pauses as he sits down. “Admittedly, she may have just wanted food.”

Jim laughs.

“Hey, it’s very easy to buy a cat’s affection when you’re feeding them…”

---

For the rest of the day and almost the entirety of the next morning, Jim thinks he’s gotten away with it.

God. He hates thinking like that. 

Hates that he lied to Spock. 

He knows it’s wrong, what he did, but- well, what was he supposed to do? Tell Spock the truth and let him think he’s-

Sick. Incompetent.

Crazy.

No. No, he- he doesn’t want Spock to think of him like that. Sure, Spock’s told him that he doesn’t think less of him for his mental problems, but- well, even Vulcans have to have limits, right?

Better he doesn’t know. Jim can handle this anyway.

It doesn’t matter anyway. Spock bought the story about the pain relief, and there’s no reason to make him think it was anything else.

It’s fine.

At least, that’s what he thinks until Spock shows up at his door, both of their lunches in hand.

“Hey,” Jim greets, walking over to him. He frowns when he takes his lunch and sees the pensive micro-expression on his face. “Is everything alright?”

“There is a matter I need to speak to you about.”

Jim blinks, furrowing his brow.

“Um, sure. Did something happen?”

“Yes. Yesterday, I picked up a bottle of medicine you dropped on the floor.”

Jim’s heart skips a beat.

“Y-Yeah, um, the pain reliever-!”

“I saw what drug was prescribed, Jim. And last night, I looked it up.”

Jim freezes, heart stopping for a moment before resuming at a breakneck pace.

“Ah,” he says quietly. “I see.”

“Alprazolam is not typically prescribed as a pain reliever. Indeed, given that it is a benzodiazepine, I do not believe it would be useful to treat pain at all- physical pain, at least.” 

Jim winces, clearing his throat.

“No, uh… no it wouldn’t.”

Neither of them speak for a moment.

“To be clear, my assumption is that you are taking them as prescribed by a doctor,” Spock says. “If there is another issue-!”

“No, I- I’m not, not taking it illicitly or anything. Um. I have a prescription.” He swallows. “Have had one. For a long time now- not consecutively, you’re not supposed to use them that often. Er, not that the pills I have are old, or anything, I went to the doctor after my panic attack in January and got it refilled. Didn’t need them for a while before-!”

“Jim,” Spock interrupts, “I believe you are adding extraneous detail because you are nervous.”

Jim swallows again, then smiles weakly.

“You’ve got me there, Dr. Spock.” He sighs. “Look, it’s- it’s just something I have, just in case. I don’t take them that often.”

“I have seen the medicine bottle in your hand twice this week. Once yesterday, and once the day before that.”

Jim winces.

“Well, alright, yes, but I haven’t needed them since I got them before that.”

“You had two panic attacks in as many days.”

“They weren’t that bad, though,” Jim argues. “Neither was as bad as the one I had in January.”

“While I am relieved to hear that, having repeated panic attacks cannot be healthy. Is something adversely affecting your mental health? Is it,” Spock’s voice drops again, “were you reminded of Tarsus IV in some way?”

Jim’s stomach turns, but he shakes his head.

“No, it wasn’t that, it was- something else.” He forces a smile. “But it’s not a big deal. I have it handled, it’s alright now.”

“Your form of ‘handling it’ included outright lying to me?”

Jim winces.

“I- I’m sorry about that, Spock, but I just- I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You could have told me the truth.”

Jim clenches his fists, gritting his teeth.

“Well, I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t, can we drop it?”

“Jim, you must know that I cannot accept such an answer.”

“Oh, I believe you can, and you will, because I don’t- I’m not going to tell you.”

“That seems less than conducive to our relationship.”

“Well, I’m sorry, Spock, but you’re just going to have to get over it.”

Spock narrows his eyes.

“May I remind you, you lied to me. Your anger is unwarranted.”

“I think it’s plenty warranted, actually, considering that I’ve told you before that I’m not ready to discuss some things about my life.”

Something like hurt flashes in Spock’s eyes almost too quickly for Jim to see.

“You do not trust me.”

“Of course I trust you, Spock, but this is different.”

“I don’t understand. Why won’t you-?”

“Why won’t you just listen to me?!” Jim snaps. “It’s my mind, Spock, I’ve been dealing with it a hell of a lot longer than you have!”

“I understand that, but I want to help-!”

“I don’t want your help!” Jim finally shouts. “I just want you to fucking drop it so we can move on with our lives! Why is that so hard for you to understand?!”

Spock’s eyes widen, lips parting. Jim’s stomach drops, anger fading in a second.

“Spock,” he starts in a quiet voice. “Spock, I’m-!”

Spock silently holds out Jim’s lunch. Jim blinks, then takes it. 

Before he can even open his mouth to say anything, Spock turns and leaves the room.

“Spock!” He calls, following him out into the hallway just in time to see the door to Spock’s office close.

Jim swallows, heart in his throat.

“Fuck.”

---

The next day is Saturday, which is both great and terrible.

Great, because he doesn’t have to deal with any awkward encounters with Spock.

Terrible, because not only is he not going to get to see Spock, it’s now Carol’s week with David so he doesn’t even have his kid to focus on.

Which means he spends a frankly embarrassing amount of his Saturday moping on the couch, obsessing over every single thing he did wrong yesterday.

God. He’s such an asshole. And it’s not even new- how many times did Bones tell him off whenever he was a dick to him because he felt like garbage?

Hell, how many times did Janice-

Jim shudders, gripping the pillow.

Shit. The way he treated Spock… Well, it reminds him more of her than he’d like to think about. 

He can’t keep treating Spock like that. He hates that he has.

It’s around dinner when he makes up his mind to message him. 

It feels like trying to swim through molasses, forcing himself to type, but he manages it- it takes half an hour and he’s starving by the time he sends it, but he does it.

Jim: I’m sorry.

He puts his comm down, ordering takeout through his PADD so he won’t see right away if- when Spock messages him.

It helps, a little.

It also freaks him out a little, especially as time goes on. Two hours pass before his comm buzzes, by which point Jim’s watching some awful reality show that he hasn’t quite grasped the concept of.

He’d like to say he doesn’t scramble for his comm when it goes off, but… that would be a lie.

Spock: Saavik is asleep. If you are amenable, I would appreciate it if you would come to my apartment so we can have this discussion in person.

Jim’s heart drops into his stomach. He swallows thickly, hands shaking a bit as he types up an agreement to come right over.

It’s fine.

It has to be, right?

Spock wouldn’t invite him over to his apartment- to the place where his daughter is asleep- if he were going to dump him, right?

Right?

---

The drive over is torture. Jim’s never been so grateful for autopilot functionality, because if he had to drive the thing himself he probably would have ended up in a car wreck ten times over. 

The walk up to Spock’s apartment is somehow worse. He feels like a man about to meet his doom, like every step he takes is one step closer to the gallows.

Which is dumb. It’s Spock’s apartment, he’s been there at least a dozen times by now.

And Spock’s not going to kill him- the worst he’d do is dump him, which… yeah, Jim really doesn’t want that, but it’s not like it’ll kill him.

Probably.

All too soon, he arrives at Spock’s door.

He swallows, takes a breath, then- after a good five minutes of hesitation- knocks.

A minute later, the door opens, and Jim’s heartbeat quickens at the sight of Spock despite his own anxiety.

“Hello, Jim,” Spock greets him. There’s a spark of affection in his eyes, despite the serious expression on his face, and even just that little bit is enough to make Jim relax an infinitesimal amount.

“Hey,” Jim whispers. “Can I come in?”

“Yes, but you do not have to whisper. Saavik is a very heavy sleeper.”

“Oh. Uh, good,” Jim says as he walks inside. He hears a meow, and when he looks over at the kitchen he sees a cat with large green eyes standing on the counter.

“Ashaya, you know you are not allowed on the counter,” Spock scolds.

Jim grins.

“So this is Ashaya, huh?” He says, walking over to the cat. “Hi, there.”

He holds out his hand to her. She sniffs it briefly, then immediately smushes her face into his fingers.

“Aw, aren’t you a big sweetheart?” He coos, moving to pet her gently. On a whim, he scratches behind her ear, and to his surprise she begins thumping her back leg. “Ah, you like that, huh?”

Ashaya trills, then shakes her head when he pulls his hand away, staring at him for a moment before jumping off the counter and slinking off towards the couch.

For a moment, neither of them speak.

“I’m-!”

“Jim, I-!”

They both stop.

“May I speak?”

For a minute, Jim thinks of just getting on his knees and desperately begging Spock for forgiveness, but… well, that would probably just freak Spock out, to be honest.

So instead, he nods. 

Spock folds his arms behind his back, and Jim braces himself.

“I want to apologize.”

Jim blinks.

“... come again?”

Spock clears his throat.

“I recognize that I have been, as Humans say, pushy. In Vulcan relationships, there are few if any secrets between couples due to our bonds, and Leila was very open over the duration of our relationship. I am unused to having a partner keep something from me, and I was uncomfortable that you did. However, that is for me to deal with, and attempting to force you to tell me was wrong. I apologize, and will endeavor to respect your boundaries in the-!”

“Spock, stop.”

Spock does, furrowing his brow a bit.

“Spock, sweetheart, you don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Spock tilts his head.

“Yes I do. I just explained that a moment ago.”

Jim exhales.

“Okay, yes, you were pushy, and I appreciate you apologizing for that, but this- this wasn’t your fault. It’s mine. I’m the one who lied.”

“I do not approve of the lying, but I-!”

“Spock. Just- let me talk for a minute, please.”

Spock closes his mouth, furrowing his brow before nodding.

Jim takes a breath.

“I’m sorry that I blew up at you again,” Jim starts. “And that I lied.”

“I understand why you-!”

“No, Spock, please- please don’t make excuses for me.” He swallows. “I don’t want to have the kind of relationship where you make excuses for me for treating you badly. I’ve…”

Jim clears his throat, clenches his fists, then takes a breath.

“I’ve been on the other end of that,” he admits quietly. “With someone who… who wasn’t doing well, and she treated me badly because of it. I’m not going to claim I was a total saint in that relationship, but I didn’t deserve to be treated like that even so. And you deserve to be treated well too, no matter how badly I’m doing.”

Spock is quiet for a long moment, micro-expressions warring on his face.

“I will not allow you to be unkind to me when it is unwarranted,” Spock acquiesces.

“I would rather you didn’t allow me to be unkind to you at all,” Jim argues.

“To do so would be to discard the fact that I too am fallible. It may not be down to my emotions, but to claim that I am without flaw and will never upset you would put our relationship in a similar position to the one we are currently trying to avoid.”

Jim takes a breath. 

“I… alright, you- but if I go too far, I need you to tell me off. Don’t just let me roll all over you.” He clears his throat. “Obviously, I’ll also do my best not to get that upset in the first place, but I also know that I’m… that I get defensive when it comes to my… to things like this. That I get mean when I’m not feeling my best.”

“I understand. But please, know that I do not want you to feel as though you have to tell me anything you are not emotionally ready to disclose.”

Jim smiles shakily, then takes a breath.

“Do you maybe- would it be okay if we sat down together on the couch for a little while?” He asks. “I think I- I could use a minute before I have to go home.”

Spock’s cheeks flash green, but he nods, gesturing for Jim to sit down. Ashaya regards them from her place curled up in a chair, then puts her head down.

The apartment is silent for a moment after they sit.

“I’m sorry,” Jim says quietly. “That I was- that I’m not good at this. Being open and honest about this kind of thing.”

Spock is quiet for a moment.

“I would like you to be able to share your worries more easily with me,” he starts, “but I understand that such things do not happen overnight. We are early in our relationship, such closeness will come later. Forcing it will not help.”

Jim huffs.

“I got married and it was still hard, Spock. I… there are a lot of things that make me anxious about being open.” He swallows. “Things I… I’m not really comfortable sharing either.”

“And I hope that someday you will be able to tell me about them. But for now, so long as you know that telling me is an option, I will endeavor to simply comfort you.” He pauses. “Though I do admit, such a thing does not entirely come naturally to me as a Vulcan.”

“Fair enough.” Jim snuggles into his shoulder. “I guess we’ve both got things to work on there.”

“Indeed.” Spock turns his head, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Jim smiles, then lifts his head to kiss him softly on the lips.

Just as he pulls away, something lands next to him on the couch, something dropping into his lap a second later. When he looks down, he sees a small plush mouse, as well as Ashaya sitting next to him with what can only be called an expectant look on her face.

“Uh?”

“She wants you to throw it,” Spock explains. “Her preferred form of play is to retrieve toys thrown by myself or Saavik.”

“... you sure this isn’t a dog?” Jim asks as he picks up the mouse.

“Positive.”

Ashaya chatters, eyes locked on the toy, and Jim snickers before tossing it across the room. She’s off like a shot, dashing after the toy and batting it around a bit before picking it up in her mouth and running back over. She hops up on the couch and drops it back in his lap, staring at him once more. 

“How long does she usually do this for?” Jim asks after the third time he’s thrown the mouse.

“It depends,” Spock tells him. “When Saavik threw the mouse, she stopped after approximately five minutes, likely due to Saavik not being able to throw things very far. When I threw it, she lost interest after half an hour. However, this is the first time she has requested this activity at night, and so I am uncertain if her being nocturnal will affect her desire to play.”

“So I could be stuck here for a while, then?” Jim asks as Ashaya hops back up on the couch.

“Potentially.”

Jim hums, then tosses the mouse for a fourth time.

“Good thing it’s not a school night, then.”

The corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“Indeed.”

Jim grins, leaning up for another kiss. He doesn’t even notice that Ashaya has returned until she pokes his leg, meowing insistently.

“Okay, okay, little miss bossy,” Jim says with a laugh before tossing the toy again. “It’s a good thing I like cats, too.”

Spock just hums and kisses the side of his head again.

“Indeed it is.”

Notes:

you guys think it'll look weird how much of my search history is now dedicated to looking up things about how xanax works

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 27: maybe i just wanna be yours

Notes:

heads up, while i don't think this chapter pushes into m-rated territory, it is slightly... spicier than the ones before it

Jim swears under his breath as he rushes out of the lift, glancing down at his comm.

Ten minutes past the start of office hours- which means he’s ten minutes late for his standing lunch date with Spock.

“Shit,” he swears again, speeding up and quickly rounding the corner. He smiles when he sees Spock standing in front of his office door. “Spock!”

Spock turns to him, at which point he sees that Spock has both of their lunches in his hands, as per usual.

“Hello, Jim,” Spock greets as Jim comes to a stop in front of him.

“Hey. Sorry I’m a little late, one of my students had a question about the project and decided they needed to argue with me right then and there instead of coming to office hours.”

“It is of no consequence,” Spock answers. There’s a strange… heaviness to his voice that usually isn’t present, and while his makeup is in a more natural palette to his complexion (save for the tiny bit of purple eyeshadow on his upper lids), it does seem a bit heavier than usual, especially around the eyes.

Almost as if he’s covering something up.

Jim frowns.

“You alright? You look a little tired.”

Spock inhales, then exhales slowly.

“I did not achieve the requisite four hours of nightly sleep required by adult Vulcans to function at their peak, no. Saavik had a nightmare.”

“Ah, I see,” Jim says as they walk into his office. “Took a while to calm her down, then?”

“It did, but moreover, when I attempted to leave her room and return to sleep she became upset again and demanded to sleep in my bed. I wished to sleep, so I acquiesced.”

Jim resists the urge to chuckle, clearing his throat and sitting down behind his desk.

“I’m guessing that was a mistake.”

Spock makes a sound that Jim’s tempted to call a sigh, sitting down in the chair across from his almost heavily.

“In my haste to return to bed, I neglected to recall that Saavik vocalizes in her sleep. She also moves, and more importantly, kicks.” 

Jim does laugh at that.

“David’s never done that, thankfully. Apparently I was a kicker as a kid though. Never heard the end of it from my mother.” Jim opens up the top on his egg salad. “Did you manage to get some rest at least?”

“No. Every time I nearly fell asleep, she would vocalize or kick me. I attempted to move to the couch, but this woke Saavik and caused her to become upset again.” 

“Aw, poor kid. And poor you, of course.”

Spock does sigh this time, a quiet sound that Jim barely picks up on.

“She also woke up and refused to go back to sleep two hours earlier than she normally does. Because of this, I was unable to meditate, which has also affected my energy level and cognitive function- in fact, had I been able to meditate, the lack of sleep would hardly affect me at all.” 

“Sounds like one hell of a morning. Does this kind of thing happen often?”

“No, almost never.” He opens his kleetanta and scoops up a bite. “According to an article I read, there is a chance this is an indicator of sleep regression.”

“Vulcan children go through that too?”

“Not as often as their Human counterparts. Age three is typically the only time it will happen. That is usually when children first begin meditating, which changes the role sleep plays in how Vulcans regain energy. Saavik has been learning this, but it was going well until last night.”

“I see. Well, David went through it about a year ago- though, granted, I don’t think the fact that Carol and I separated and sold the house had nothing to do with it. Keeping to the normal routine helped, but it took a couple of weeks before he began sleeping through the night again. He had another, more minor one when Carol first left for her project, but that was only about two days.”

Spock makes that micro-expression that’s as close to a grimace as he ever gets.

“Neither of those possibilities sound particularly appealing at the moment.”

“Oh, no, they were both terrible,” Jim says cheerfully. “But I think you’ve got the wherewithal to weather it, whether it’s two days or two weeks.”

Spock exhales slowly.

“If nothing else,” he begins, “I may be able to cancel office hours and meditate in my office if necessary.”

“See? There’s something. I’d miss you, of course, but I’d rather you be able to get a little rest.”

Spock’s lips twitch upward.

“Hopefully, it will not come to that. I would rather be able to spend my time with you.”

Jim grins, then takes another bite of his egg salad.

They chat a little bit more about their respective classes for a little while, until both of their lunch tubs are empty and packed away.

“Since we’ve got the time, could you help me out with something?”

“Of course, Jim.”

“Great,” Jim replies, grabbing his PADD and standing up. “It’s just an assignment for next week in my History of Starship-to-Starship Combat class. I’ve noticed a few more typos than usual slipping through, so I don’t quite trust the spellcheck system at the moment. I’d feel better if another pair of eyes looked it over.”

Spock nods, following him over to the couch and sitting down next to him. He takes the PADD, then begins reading. As he does, Jim can’t help the way his eyes sweep over him, zeroing on one detail in particular.

Spock is wearing earrings today.

It’s not exactly an unusual thing for him to do. He’s taken to wearing at least one pair everyday, though he almost never repeats a position combination twice in a row. So far Jim’s seen them all up the helix of his ear, a few different spots on the lobe, inside the ear in places that frankly make him realize he’s slightly more squeamish about needles than he thought, pretty much everywhere but the very tips. Today, it’s the helix and the lower ear lobe.

He’s seen all sorts of earrings, too. Rings, studs, a little bar that goes across his ear that Spock told him was known as an “industrial” piercing when he asked, and on one notable occasion, a pair of dangling earrings shaped like bees.

Jim suspects Saavik’s influence there.

Today, it’s a blue gem stud on the lobe and a golden ring on the helix, as well as a swirling golden ear cuff.

Jim loves it, loves seeing him express his sense of style more and more the longer he stays on Earth.

Though he can’t deny that all the piercings have made him… curious.

Specifically, about the possible existence of other piercings. 

In less… publicly appropriate places. 

It’s not a big leap, he thinks. After all, with the number of places his ears are pierced, Spock might not have stopped there. There could be any amount of metal lurking underneath those sweaters, just waiting for Jim to touch and-!

“Jim?”

Jim blinks, eyes flickering up to Spock.

“Uh- yes?”

“You were staring at me. Is there something you require?”

Jim’s cheeks heat, and he looks away, clearing his throat.

“Er, no, I- I just, ah… I was… thinking.”

“About what?”

Jim flushes.

“Uh, I was thinking about… Ashaya!”

Spock blinks.

“You… were thinking about my cat?”

“I, well, I just… you know, Carol’s told me that David’s been making noise this week about wanting to meet her.” He snorts. “Actually, about half our bedtime routine has been him telling me what Saavik told him about Ashaya today- most of which I’ve already heard from you.”

Spock’s cheeks tint green, and he glances away.

“She is a remarkable animal.”

Jim chuckles. 

“Anyway, I was wondering if maybe on Sunday you’d be willing to host us so that David can meet her? If Ashaya’s up for it, of course.”

Spock nods.

“I believe that is doable. Ashaya is an exceptionally sociable cat, despite her abandonment, and has taken to Saavik quite well. She will likely take to David just the same.”

Jim smiles. 

“Glad to hear it.” He leans in to kiss Spock on the cheek, snickering a little when Spock turns his head to meet his lips. He lets it linger, moving his head a little to just barely deepen it. Spock hums, putting a hand on Jim’s shoulder, at which point Jim moves to cup his cheek. The tip of his middle finger brushes the stud in Spock’s ear, and unbidden, a thought of potential other piercings flashes in his mind-!

Spock inhales, sharp and sudden, jerking his head back. His eyes are wide, his lips parted, and Jim frowns.

“Spock? Everything okay-?”

Spock’s face turns an enticing shade of green, but before Jim can think to comment on it Spock kisses him again, much more firmly this time. Jim can’t quite stop the noise of surprise he makes, but he quickly melts into the kiss, cupping his other cheek as he parts his lips. 

Something falls on the ground, making a clanging noise, but Jim finds he doesn’t care one bit.

The air around them has changed, becoming charged in a way that it rarely has been in the past. Suddenly, he can’t quite get enough of Spock, hands trailing down from his face to his chest as he presses against the seam of Spock’s lips with the tip of his tongue. Spock makes a soft sound, one that Jim can’t quite qualify as a moan, but god does it feel like he’s coaxed one out of him. When Spock opens his mouth, he runs his tongue against the inside of his lower lip, coaxing another soft sound out of him that sends the butterflies in his stomach into a tizzy. The tips of their tongues meet; Spock’s tongue is a bit rougher than his own, which is unexpectedly thrilling, and Jim sighs, sliding his hands down to Spock’s hips. He eases his tongue in a little deeper this time, sliding past his teeth, and-

He freezes. Spock notices immediately of course, pulling back with his brow furrowed.

“Is something amiss?”

“Your teeth.”

That little furrow goes deeper.

“What about my teeth?”

“Your- you have fangs.”

Spock blinks, raising an eyebrow.

“My canine teeth are not fangs, though they are more pointed than those of a Human. They are vestigial, left over from before Vulcan society adapted to a vegetarian diet.” He tilts his head slightly. “Is… that an issue?”

“Absolutely not,” Jim tells him before pulling him in for another kiss, because frankly he thinks that if he doesn’t kiss Spock right now he might just die. Spock responds beautifully, ghosting his fingers down his arm and parting his lips. 

Then, the barest scrape of teeth brushes Jim’s lower lip, and it takes everything in Jim not to melt into a puddle.

Jim doesn’t know Leila. He doesn’t think he’d like her much if he met her, based on what Spock’s told him about her. 

But damned if he’s not a little thankful for her, because he’s pretty sure she taught Spock how to kiss and hell if he’s not good at it. 

Spock makes a noise that Jim’s tempted to call a growl. The sound curls up in his gut, and Jim moans against his lips. That seems to soothe Spock for a moment, though soon enough Jim finds himself lying on his back, watching as Spock leans over him with a look in his eyes that has his heart going wild. 

For a moment that seems like it goes on forever, they just look at each other, breathing heavily. Spock’s face is flushed green, his bangs mussed and his eyes wide.

His lipstick is a little smeared. 

For some reason, that’s what gets Jim to move. He reaches up, curling a hand around the back of Spock’s neck and pulling him back down until their lips meet once more. 

Jim’s head spins. He slips his arms under Spock’s, rubbing between his shoulder blade and relishing the feel of his soft sweater. Spock hums, then pulls back from the kiss, moving his lips to Jim’s jaw before he can complain.

A second later, he hears the top button on his uniform jacket snap open, and he moans.

“Mm, Spock…”

Spock hums, mouthing at his jaw a bit. Jim bites his lower lip, a bead of sweat trickling down the side of his face. 

He could swear the temperature in the room has spiked, but he knows that’s just what Spock does to him.

Spock undoes the last button on his uniform jacket, pulling it open before burying his face in Jim’s neck. He kisses his throat, and Jim shudders, tangling his fingers in Spock’s hair. 

“Shit, Spock…”

Spock hums, then opens his mouth, his teeth grazing the side of Jim’s neck with those little fangs of his and-

Oh. 

Well.

There’s a combination of danger danger danger and oh fuck yes Jim hasn’t felt in a long, long time.

He couldn’t stop himself from moaning if he tried. Heat pools in his stomach, a sign that they should probably slow down, but damned if Jim doesn’t desperately want to keep going. He wants to stay like this, with his hands inching down Spock’s back and Spock’s lips on his throat, he wants to peel him out of all those layers and mess up his hair and makeup some more, he wants, wants, wants-!

And then the door to his office opens.

“Oh!”

Spock immediately springs up as Jim jolts under him. He turns just in time to see Cadet Chekov shielding his eyes and fumbling with the door.

“Sorry, sorry! I’ll- I’ll just wait out- sorry!”

The door closes, leaving Spock and Jim staring at it in a room that’s dropped a few degrees in temperature.

“... well,” Jim says after a minute, “I suppose it’s my own fault for not locking the door.”

“Locking the door would contradict the point of office hours,” Spock murmurs as he sits up. 

“That’s true, but it’s less fun for us,” Jim replies, sitting up and moving his legs back to the front of the couch. “I guess I should talk to the poor kid, then.”

“Before you do that, you may want to clean your face.”

“What for?”

Spock flushes a bit, clearing his throat and looking away. 

“Some of my lipstick has transferred onto your lips, jaw, and throat.”

Jim blinks, then feels his own cheeks heat.

“Ah. Well. Good thing I always keep wipes in my bag, then.” 

“Indeed,” Spock says, standing up. “I will leave you to it, then.”

Disappointment rolls through Jim, but he nods.

“Alright.” A thought occurs to him, and he smirks. “Oh, and Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

Jim takes a step closer to him.

“I enjoyed that. Quite a lot.” He reaches up, straightening out his collar. “I’d love to do it again sometime.”

Spock flushes, glancing away.

“Jim, you have a cadet waiting for you.”

“Oh, Chekov’s patient,” Jim argues even as he takes a step back. “But you should probably go fix your makeup, much as I like the mussed look.”

The flush reaches Spock’s ears, but to Jim’s surprise an odd look comes over his face.

“I must say, I do rather enjoy the sight of you covered in my lipstick.”

Jim blinks, then grins as heat spreads across his face.

“Careful, Dr. Spock, or I might just have to kiss you again.”

“That is not much of a threat.”

Jim laughs, then leans in, kissing him chastely. 

“You’d better go,” Jim tells him. “I don’t know if I can be trusted not to let you ravish me again- or do a little ravishing myself.”

Spock’s pupils dilate a little.

“Indeed?”

“Mmhm.” He smooths his hands out over Spock’s chest. “But I think it would be better to save that for somewhere a little more private than my office.”

Spock nods, then, to Jim’s surprise, leans in and pecks him on the lips.

“Spock,” he chastises half-heartedly.

“I simply wished to kiss you once more before I left,” Spock explains. “Surely you do not object to that?”

“Only because it makes me wish I could keep kissing you.” He takes a step back. “You’d better go before I start.”

The corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“I look forward to seeing you on Sunday,” he says simply before walking back to Jim’s desk and grabbing his lunch container. 

“Yeah, me too. I’ll message you later, okay?”

Spock nods, then quietly leaves the room. Jim hears Chekov greet him nervously, and he chuckles before walking over to his desk. He gets the wipes out of his bag, then walks over to the mirror.

Spock was not kidding about the lipstick marks. His lips are smudged with that shade of pale pink he favors, with a couple more marks on his jaw and throat.

Jim grins.

“You did a number on me, huh,” he murmurs before he starts wiping off his lips and face. He stops just before he touches the mark on his throat, thinking. He then tugs his jacket over the mark, grinning when he sees it’s fully covered. 

Jim tosses the wipe in the trash, then starts buttoning his jacket.

He was going to wash this jacket anyway. 

---

David is practically bouncing off the walls of the lift by the time it stops on Spock’s floor. 

“Buddy, remember what we talked-!”

“I know! We gotta be quiet for the kitty, or she might get scared!”

Jim resists the urge to sigh, instead smiling as they exit the lift and head for Spock’s apartment. Once there, he knocks on the door, smiling when Spock opens it.

“Hey there,” he greets. 

To his surprise, Spock’s cheeks flash green for a split second, his shoulders tensing and untensing.

“Hello, Jim. Hello, David.”

“Hi, Mister Dr. Spock! I like your earrings!”

Spock’s lips quirk upward, a hand moving to brush the little cat-shaped gold plates dangling from his ears.

“Thank you, David. I believed they were appropriate given the focus of today’s visit.”

Jim chuckles, then looks down when he sees a flash of movement.

“Hey there, Saavik,” Jim greets her with a smile. “How are you doing today?”

Saavik simply gives him a thumbs up.

“Glad to hear that.”

“Hi Saavik!” David greets. Saavik smiles, nodding at him. “Is the kitty awake?”

She nods again, ushering him inside and towards the living area. Jim gives Spock a quick grin, then follows them over just in time to see Ashaya hop onto the coffee table.

“Ashaya, you are not allowed on surfaces other than the floor,” Spock reminds her. 

Ashaya simply meows in response. Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I will get the spray bottle.”

Ashaya’s ears fold back, but she hops off the coffee table. She then turns her attention to David and Saavik, taking a cautious step towards the former. 

“Hi, kitty!” David greets, waving.

“Remember what we talked about, bud,” Jim reminds him.

“I knoooooow,” David drawls. “I have to let the kitty come to me, and I gotta let her sniff my hand before I can pet her.”

“That’s right. You might have to sit down and wait for her to-!”

Ashaya walks right up to David, sniffing at him curiously.

“Or not.”

“Hi kitty,” David repeats. Ashaya sniffs him one more time, then butts her head against his outstretched hand. He gasps in delight. “Daddy! She likes me!”

“I can see that. Remember to be gentle, okay?”

“Kay!” 

Jim chuckles, then turns back to Spock, only to see his eyes flick upward when he’s facing him. He raises an eyebrow.

“Do I have something on my shirt?”

Spock’s cheeks flash green.

“You do not,” he answers. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Uh… sure? Water would be fine.”

Spock nods somewhat stiffly, then turns and walks over toward the kitchen. Jim glances over his shoulder at the kids, then follows him.

“Hi,” he says quietly. Spock glances over at him, an odd look that Jim doesn’t altogether dislike glinting in his eyes.

“Hello. I assume you’ve decided the children will be alright.”

“From what you’ve told me, I doubt that Ashaya is a danger to either of them, and they both know that treating her well is the right thing to do.” 

Spock hums, then pulls down a glass from the cabinet.

“How is Cadet Chekov?” Spock asks. The tips of his ears are slightly green.

Jim clears his throat.

“Well, he had trouble looking me in the eye the entire meeting, but he seems okay otherwise. Apparently it wasn’t the first time that day he’d walked in on someone- it happens with roommates,” Jim elaborates at the look on Spock’s face. “Anyway, he actually congratulated me before he left.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Congratulated you on what in particular?”

Jim snorts.

“Remember that cadet who told us to have fun on our date when we went out to that Vulcan restaurant? Apparently it wasn’t just a joke, there’s been no shortage of speculation about our relationship amongst the student body.”

“... ah. I see.”

Jim frowns.

“You’re uncomfortable with that.”

“Somewhat,” Spock admits. “However, I also recognize that I can hardly control what my students do when they are not in class, and that my own behavior has admittedly given them ample material.”

Jim snorts.

“Yes, making out in my office during a period in which students are encouraged to speak with their instructors was perhaps overly risky behavior.” He grins. “It was fun, though.”

The corners of Spock’s lips twitch upward.

“It was indeed… pleasing.”

A little swirl of heat curls up in Jim’s gut. He clears his throat. 

“You seem a little bit… distracted today, though.”

Spock’s cheeks flash green, and he glances away as he puts the glass under the water dispenser.

“I admit, I have had trouble not recalling what occurred between us on Friday whenever I look at you. Specifically, the image of you with my lipstick marks on your face.”

Jim blinks, then grins, his face heating a little.

“I see.” He folds his arms across his chest, leaning against the counter. “You know, I kept one of those marks.”

Spock falters slightly, though his hands keep the glass of water steady.

“Indeed?”

“Mmhm.” He points at the spot on his throat that Spock kissed. “Right here. The collar of my uniform jacket covered it up perfectly.”

That same look from before shines in Spock’s eyes.

“It is too bad, then, that your current shirt would not cover such a mark,” he comments.

“Well, no, but maybe some other time we could-!”

“Daddy! Come dangle this ribbon wand thingy for the kitty please!”

Jim bites back a tired chuckle, unfolding his arms.

“To be continued, then,” he says before turning around and walking back into the living room. “Alright, Miss Ashaya, let’s have some fun then!”

David cheers, and Ashaya stares as Jim grabs the ribbon wand and sits down in the chair near the couch. He lifts it into the air, then begins waving it around. Ashaya’s pupils dilate, and she immediately starts whacking at the ribbon to the delight of both children. 

A moment later, Spock walks up behind him, placing a glass on top of a coaster on the side table next to him. Jim looks over at him, smiling, and Spock gives him one of his little not-smiles back.

“Hey, Daddy?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“When are you and Mister Dr. Spock gonna get married?”

Jim blinks, faltering in his movement of the ribbon wand. Ashaya keeps batting at it regardless.

“Uh… what?”

David huffs.

“You’ve gone on lots of dates. After you go on lots of dates, you’re supposed to get married.”

“What… what exactly makes you think that we have gone on any dates at all?” Spock asks, the barest hint of nerves in his voice.

“The flowers,” David answers. “Daddy used to get Mommy flowers when they were married, and they’d always be in a- flower thingy. Then Daddy and Mommy moved to different places, and there weren’t flowers anymore, but now there are flowers again!”

“And… you think Spock is the one who gave me them?”

“Aunt Gaila wasn’t gonna give you them.”

“Sweetheart, I have other friends.”

“Yeah, but you like Mister Dr. Spock the most, so it’s gotta be him.” David turns to Saavik. “And Mister Dr. Spock likes Daddy the most, right, Saavik?”

Saavik is wide-eyed, but nods. 

“Saavik, do you also think we are in a relationship?”

Saavik shrugs.

“You don’t know? It’s clear to me,” David tells her.

Jim clears his throat, glancing up at Spock.

“Well, what do you think?”

Spock considers for a moment, then lets out the tiniest sigh.

“I suppose there is no point in denying it when the children have already deduced it.” He takes a breath. “Yes, David, we are in a relationship.”

“I know! So, are you gonna get married soon?”

“Honey, your mom and I have only been divorced for a few months; I’m not ready to get married again yet. And even if I was, Spock and I have only been seeing each other for a month or so- we only decided we were boyfriends a couple weeks ago. It’s too soon for us to get married.”

David frowns.

“Then when will you get married?”

Jim clears his throat, glancing over at Spock.

“That’s… something we’ll discuss later on down the line. But it won’t be for a while yet.”

David pouts.

“Aw, I wanted to eat wedding cake!”

Jim can’t help the snort that bubbles up out of his throat.

“Well, if and when we get married, I’m sure you’ll love the one we pick.” He pauses. “Actually, do Vulcans have wedding cakes?”

“Not typically, but I see no reason we would not have one. It would be your wedding as well, after all.”

Jim grins, then feels a tug; when he looks down, he sees that Ashaya has grabbed the ribbon with her teeth and started pulling on it.

“Ah, sorry, ma’am, forgot about you for a second.” He starts wiggling the toy again, and Ashaya lets go to try and catch it, eliciting giggles from the kids.

Out of the corner of his eye, he thinks he sees Spock smile.

Notes:

i like to think chekov walks in on jim and spock in every universe at least once

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "i wanna be yours" by the artic monkeys)

Chapter 28: you make me wanna make you fall in love

Notes:

another heads up, while still not rising to an m-level there's some more references to sex in this one

It’s a pretty normal Monday, overall. Jim wakes up, gets David up, they have breakfast and go to the Academy. He teaches his morning classes, then meets up with Spock to have lunch in Spock’s office during their shared office hours.

Normal.

Well, except for the part where he ends up pushing Spock up against his desk while they make out.

That’s a new one. 

“We- mm,” Jim tries between kisses, “we really shouldn’t be doing this here.”

“I locked the door when you came in,” Spock tells him before kissing him again. “We will not be walked in on again.”

“That’s good, but-!”

Spock threads a hand into Jim’s hair and kisses him so soundly that for a moment, Jim forgets what his objection is. He puts his hands on Spock’s hips, urging him upward until Spock gets the hint and breaks the kiss. His eyes are dark as he hops up on the desk, spreading his legs a bit. Jim grins wolfishly, then dives right back in for another kiss, this time running the tip of his tongue over the seam of Spock’s lips. 

A thought occurs to him, and he pulls back, biting back a snicker at the little growl Spock makes.

“Didn’t you say on Friday that locking the door went against the point of office hours?”

“I did,” Spock agrees.

“And you locked the door anyway?”

“Yes.”

This time, Jim does snicker.

“Well, alright, I suppose as long as we’re both aware that you’re a little bit of a hypocrite.”

“I am perfectly fine with that,” Spock declares before pulling Jim back in for another kiss. Jim moans, pressing up against him as he fiddles with the hem of Spock’s sweater. 

God. The room’s too warm already, but Jim can hardly bring himself to care. All he wants is to drown himself in Spock, to dive in and never come up for air.

Which is why he’s a little bereft when he realizes that if he doesn’t back off, things are going to get… awkward, judging from the heat pooling down low in his gut. With great reluctance, he breaks the kiss, pulling back so that they’re not pressed right up together before leaning his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“Jim?”

“Sorry,” he mumbles, “just… I need a second.”

“Is something amiss?”

“Not… exactly, I just…” He clears his throat. “Well, considering where we are, I figure we ought to stop before things get… uncomfortable.”

Spock’s fingers twitch on Jim’s shoulder.

“... ah. I see.”

Jim huffs out a small laugh.

“Yeah, as much as I like making out with you, it does tend to… rile me up a bit.”

Again, Spock’s fingers twitch.

“... I am not unaffected myself.”

Jim chuckles, raising his head to look at him.

“Yeah? Good to know.” He reaches over, smoothing the hair at the back of Spock’s head. “Your lipstick didn’t smear this time.”

“I chose a brand that transfers less today, as a precaution.”

“Oh? You thought this might happen?”

Spock tilts his head.

“It seemed a possibility. You clearly enjoy kissing me in this manner, and I enjoy it as well. Given some privacy, it was only logical to proceed assuming this could happen.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“Yeah, I see your logic.” He lowers a hand to Spock’s hip. “But you know, you can’t convince me that you weren’t hoping it would happen.”

Spock raises an eyebrow even as his eyes darken slightly.

“Indeed?”

“Mmhm. For one thing, you already told me that you enjoy it, and even if you hadn’t, I can tell that you do.” He leans in a bit. “I saw the way you bit your lip when I came around the corner a few minutes ago.”

Spock inhales slightly.

“... I do not believe this conversation is conducive to either of us calming down,” he murmurs.

Jim chuckles again.

“Fair point. I do have a thought about that, though.”

“Indeed?”

“Mmhm. Would you perhaps like to come over to my apartment on Saturday night? I could make you dinner, and we could spend some time together.” He smirks. “Maybe get a little… better acquainted?”

Spock blinks, then flushes a bit, clearing his throat. 

“That… I would be amenable to that, yes.”

Jim grins, then leans in for a quick, chaste kiss, which turns into another, slightly longer but still very much close-mouthed kiss.

Just as he pulls back, Spock catches his face in his hands. Jim expects a third kiss for a second, and is surprised when instead Spock brushes their noses together.

“What was that for?” He asks when Spock lets him go.

Spock’s cheeks turn a deeper shade of green, glancing away. 

“I… apologize, that- that was an inappropriate gesture born out of instinct.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise. 

“Instinct?”

Spock clears his throat.

“Along with other methods, Vulcans show affection to their mates by brushing their noses together.”

A grin slowly breaks out across Jim’s face.

“Is that right? Were you giving me Vulcan kisses, Dr. Spock?”

“Only in one form. A perhaps more traditional- and publicly acceptable- form of kissing would be the ozh’esta, which literally translates to ‘finger embrace.’”

“Mm, I remember you telling me that before. Could you show me it again?”

Spock blinks before something in his eyes softens. He holds up two fingers.

“Lightly press the tips of these two fingers on the opposite hand to mine.”

Jim smiles, then holds up those two fingers and brushes the tips against Spock’s. 

To Jim, it feels like touching hands with a romantic partner always does- pleasant, but nothing more than that. That’s clearly not the case for Spock, whose cheeks go just a little greener and eyes become a little bit darker.

“What does it feel like for you?” Jim asks.

“As I am shielding my mind, I am only able to feel your most surface emotions. Therefore, I feel your affection for and attraction to me, which is… quite pleasant.”

Jim grins.

“Yeah? You like the way my emotions feel, Dr. Spock?”

Spock turns bright green, eyes widening just a fraction as he jerks his hand back.

“Too much?” 

“A… a bit.” Spock clears his throat, glancing away. “Such a statement would be… rather scandalous on Vulcan.”

Jim blinks, then smirks.

“Have I scandalized you, then?”

Spock shifts on the desk, still not looking at him.

“... I did not say that,” Spock murmurs.

Jim laughs, leaning in for another kiss.

Another thought occurs to him as he pulls back, one that makes his stomach twist.

“Er… Spock?”

“Yes?”

“That time at the park where you handed me those wipes, our fingers brushed for a second. Does that count as a kiss by Vulcan standards?”

Spock blushes a bit, clearing his throat.

“It does?” Jim exclaims, his face heating a bit.

“No, it- it does not. It is generally understood that a brief touch of the hands or fingers such as that is not enough contact to be considered intimate, though it may garner some strange looks if it happens in public.”

“Oh. Wait, then why are you blushing?”

Spock clears his throat. 

“I… enjoyed it. Being touched by you, even in that small, incidental way, was… pleasing.”

Jim slowly grins.

“Ah, I see.” He moves his hand so that their pinkies overlap. “And what about like this?”

Spock’s flush spreads a bit. 

“I believe that if you keep touching me like that, we will be late to our next classes.”

Jim laughs, leaning in and pecking him on the cheek. 

“Hmm, tempting. But you know, I think I’d rather do that somewhere a little softer than your desk.”

“A wise decision,” Spock agrees. 

Jim chuckles again, then takes a step back to let Spock get off the desk.

“Now, we were… er… what were we talking about?”

“The potential Federation membership of the Farasi.”

“Right, that. Their planet sounds, to borrow a word, fascinating, don’t you think?”

“I would like to know what turns their sky green, yes…”

---

By the time Saturday night rolls around, Jim and Spock end up making out in one of their offices on three other occasions. They only nearly get caught on one of those occasions, thankfully, but the risk is something Jim thinks he should be concerned about.

Or at least, more concerned about than he is. Hard to be concerned about much of anything when he’s got Spock’s slightly-rough tongue in his mouth. 

(He hasn’t quite decided if it’s weird that that does something for him. He might decide to just not think about it.)

All that to say, Jim’s feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Well, that’s not the whole truth.

Perhaps “ready to drag Spock into his bedroom and not let him out for a few hours” is a better description of how he’s feeling. 

God. He hasn’t felt like this since- well, possibly since he was a teenager, really. 

He exhales, trying to keep his mind out of the gutter as he pulls his favorite soup pot out of the drawer.

It’d probably be bad to just jump Spock’s bones right at the door, anyway. Rude, at the very least.

Even though the way Spock looked at him when they said goodbye the day before made Jim think he might be happy skipping their classes, locking the door to one of their offices, and-

Nope, that’s not gonna help Jim keep his mind out of the gutter.

Jim sighs, then looks up when the timer on his comm goes off. He grabs the oven mitts from the counter, then slips them on as he walks over to the oven. The tofu looks about right when he pulls it out of the oven, and he smiles. 

He hopes Spock likes his idea for their date. He’s talked about cooking with his mom before, so hopefully cooking with Jim will be something that appeals to him.

Of course, Jim would make the soup all by himself if it meant getting one of those little not-smiles out of Spock.

Maybe he’d get one of those if he got on his-!

Jim tips his head back, groaning a bit before placing the tray on the counter.

Sometimes he can hardly believe how long he went without any sort of companionship. Hell, he can hardly believe how long he’s been dating Spock without losing his mind a little.

Not that he hasn’t enjoyed this low pressure period, of course. Going slow has been really, really nice. 

But if they keep going slow, there’s a non-zero chance he’ll explode, and he’s not sure Spock’ll make it much longer either.

Just as he thinks that, he hears a knock at the door. He grins, turning off the oven and slipping his mitts off before walking to the door. 

“Hey there,” he greets as he opens it. He grins when he sees the flowers in Spock’s hands. “Those for me?”

“I see no one else who I would like to give them to,” Spock answers, one eyebrow perched higher than the other. Jim laughs, taking the bouquet from him.

“You know what, next time I’m bringing you flowers,” he tells him before heading inside. Spock follows him in, and as he preps the flowers, he looks over Spock.

(Spock also looks over him, and Jim preens a little- he chose this button-up and this pair of jeans for a reason.)

Spock is dressed simply- blue sweater, black slacks. He looks handsome as always (and Jim wants to rip his clothes off- dang it), but that’s not quite what catches his attention.

Spock’s earrings choice is simple today- a small, silvery ring in what Jim believes is called an orbital piercing, and a pair of hanging earrings with a gem that looks like an opal in them. He’s wearing that pretty purple eyeshadow that Jim loves, and to Jim’s delight he’s also wearing the pink lipstick that is nowhere near kissproof.

“Jim?”

“Mm?” Jim says as he puts the flowers in the vase he’d prepped ahead of time.

“Why do you have ingredients set out around your kitchen?”

“I thought we could make that tofu noodle soup you and Saavik liked,” Jim says. 

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Are you feeling ill?”

Jim blinks, then frowns.

“No? Why would you think that I’m-?” A thought occurs to him, and he laughs. “Spock, chicken noodle soup- or tofu noodle soup, in this case- isn’t exclusively for when people are sick. You can have it whenever you want.”

He gestures at the stove.

“It’s fairly easy to make, so I thought it would be perfect for us to make together, if you’d like.”

Something that’s almost a smile appears on Spock’s lips.

“I believe I would enjoy that, yes.”

Jim grins, then gestures for him to follow him into the kitchen.

“Alright, so the recipe I found says that the first thing you need to do is…”

---

Cooking with Spock is-

Well, in a word, it’s delightful. Yes, there are a few incidents where they get in each other’s way, but they manage to figure it out by the time everything’s going into the pot. They chat a bit while the soup cooks, washing most of the dishes together (at Spock’s insistence), telling each other stories about cooking with their families, and just enjoying each other’s company.

And maybe sneak a couple kisses.

Jim might think about sneaking a hand up Spock’s sweater by the time that the timer for the soup goes off. He manages to pull himself away, though he doesn’t miss the tiny spark of irritation in Spock’s eyes at having to stop.

Thankfully, the soup’s good enough to distract them for a little bit.

“You know, I’ve never really liked tofu before, but this is really good.”

“I have not had tofu prior to moving to Earth, but I also quite like it. Though perhaps I would not like it if anyone else cooked it.”

Jim grins.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Dr. Spock.”

“Is it flattery if it is the truth?”

Jim shrugs.

“I suppose, but you’re biased, aren’t you?”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Perhaps, but I am also correct.”

Jim laughs, placing his spoon in his empty bowl.

“You finished?”

Spock takes one last bite, then nods. Jim takes them, heading over to the sink.

“I was thinking that after dinner we could watch a movie, if you’d like.”

“By ‘movie,’ I assume you mean a longform work of visual art from the 20th or 21st centuries?”

“You know me so well.”

“You do not hide your preference for Old Earth media over more contemporary work, Jim.”

Jim shrugs as he turns on the faucet.

“Well, go ahead and pick one from the collection. I like all of them, so I won’t be put out by your choice.”

Spock nods, leaving the kitchen and heading for the living room. Jim finds him looking at his film collection a few minutes later, lips pursed in thought.

“See anything you like?”

Spock looks over at Jim.

“Yes.”

Jim laughs.

“I meant the movies, you flatterer.”

Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“I believe I would rather defer to your expertise here, Jim.”

There’s a look in his eyes that sends a shiver down Jim’s spine. He can’t quite force himself to look away as he grabs a movie randomly. 

“This one.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, glancing down at the case.

“‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.’ I must admit, I’ve never heard of it.”

“Oh, it’s- it’s an old Western. Kind of a buddy comedy too. I like it.”

“I see. It sounds… interesting.”

Jim resists the urge to grin, instead reaching over and placing a hand on Spock’s shoulder. 

“Go ahead and get comfortable, I’ll join you in a minute.”

“Very well.”

Jim watches Spock walk over to the couch, then quickly sets up the media player before joining him.

He wasn’t lying when he said he liked this movie, but he’d be lying now if he said he was paying much attention to it. Two outlaws’ adventures can hardly capture his imagination with Spock sitting so close to him.

Actually, now that he thinks about it, was Spock sitting so close to him when the movie started? He was practically on the other end of the couch, but now he’s near the other end of that cushion.

Jim glances over at him surreptitiously, then, slowly, reaches over, brushing his fingers against Spock’s knee. Spock glances at him, and Jim holds his gaze.

Spock moves a little closer. Jim does the same, putting his hand on Spock’s knee. Another movement, and their thighs press together. 

Jim rubs a circle into Spock’s knee, then lets his hand inch up a little. His heart pounds in his chest as he moves it higher and higher.

“Jim?”

“Mmhm?”

“I find I have not absorbed the last five minutes of this film.”

Jim blinks, then grins.

“Me neither.” He grabs the remote, turning the holovision off and turning to Spock. “I have something else in mind that might be fun, though.”

Spock’s lips quirk upward. He turns to Jim, leaning in, and Jim leans in to meet his lips.

One flurry of hands and tongues later, Jim finds himself lying on his back with Spock on top of him, the top two buttons of his shirt already undone as Spock moves his face to his neck. He sighs, expecting to feel his mouth- or perhaps even his teeth- on his throat again.

Instead, he feels… his nose?

Jim blinks, furrowing his brow. There’s definitely a small rush of air as Spock breathes in against his neck. 

Aright, not what he was expecting. But it’s not like- wait, is that his cheek rubbing his throat now?

He frowns.

“Uh… Spock?”

Spock hums absently.

“Is… there a reason you’re nuzzling my neck?”

Spock freezes, and out of the corner of his eye he sees the tips of Spock’s ears go green. He watches as he pulls back, not looking Jim in the eye.

“My apologies. I was- I should not have done that.”

“Why not?” Jim asks as he sits up. “I’m not mad, I just want to know if it means something to you.”

Spock thins his lips, eyes trained on the floor.

“It… it is an instinct.”

Jim raises an eyebrow, unable to keep himself from smirking a little.

“I’ve been seeing a lot of those, apparently. Tell me about it.”

The flush spreads to Spock’s cheeks. 

“The… Vulcans are- unlike Humans, who evolved from a hominid ancestor, the evolutionary line of Vulcans can be traced back to a much more… feline ancestor.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“Wait, you’re a cat?”

“Not as such, but we have retained some of the features of that ancestor. The shape of our ears, for example, although the location has migrated. Another is the shape of our canine teeth.” 

Jim grins a little.

“Well, I happen to like both of those things,” he says, reaching up to brush the tip of Spock’s left ear. To his surprise, Spock shies away from the touch, flushing a bit more. Jim frowns. “Something the matter?”

Spock clears his throat. He’s still not looking at Jim.

“Another trait we have retained are certain specialized glands located in several places on the body.”

Jim furrows his brow a bit.

“Okay…? What do these glands do?”

Spock is quiet for a moment.

“The Vulcan sense of smell is much stronger than that of a Human,” he answers quietly.

Something clicks in Jim’s brain, and his eyes go wide.

“You’ve been scent-marking me?”

To Jim’s delight, that green flush deepens.

“I apologize, I- I realize this is not what you would consider normal; indeed, what I have done would be considered rather rude amongst Vulcans given the newness of our relationship. I understand if-!”

“Spock, Spock, slow down,” Jim tells him, running a hand up his arm. “I’m not mad.”

Spock blinks, finally looking up at him.

“You… you are not?”

Jim frowns at what he’s tempted to call the shock in his voice.

“Of course not. You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?”

“I did not. As I said, it was instinctual.”

“Well, there you go. It’s not what I’m used to, but it’s hardly the end of the world.”

Spock stares at him for a moment, lips just barely parted.

“You… truly do not mind?”

“Not at all. I was just a little startled.”

Spock shifts a bit.

“Then… you do not find it off-putting?”

Jim frowns.

“Why would you think that I-?” A thought occurs to him, and something in his chest clenches a bit. He rubs Spock’s arm again. “Did someone tell you that it was?”

Spock shifts, looking away.

“Leila informed me that much of my instinctual behavior was… unnerving.” Jim watches his fingers clench and unclench. “By Human standards, I suppose much of it seems rather animalistic.”

“Oh, Spock.” He reaches up, cupping Spock’s cheeks. “That was just her opinion. I personally don’t find it unnerving at all.”

Spock looks up at him, furrowing his brow.

“You… do not?”

“No, I don’t.” He flushes a little. “Actually, I… I kinda like it.”

Spock blinks before his pupils dilate a bit.

“Indeed?”

“Yeah. So if you wanted to keep doing it-!”

Spock practically pushes him back down on the couch, burying his face in Jim’s neck. Jim laughs, the sound turning to a moan as Spock’s hands inch down his sides-!

The sound of Jim’s comm ringing pierces the air.

“Ignore it,” Jim orders, pulling Spock up for another kiss.

“It could- mm- it could be important,” Spock argues.

Jim parts the kiss, grimacing a little, then sighs and grabs his comm.

“Hello?” He asks, trying not to sound as annoyed as he feels.

“Oh, thank goodness you picked up.”

Jim’s stomach drops.

“Carol? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, mostly, just- well, it’s David. He had a nightmare, and he really wants to talk to you.”

A little bit of the tension in Jim’s shoulders eases. He sits up, running a hand through his hair.

“I see. Alright, put him on.”

There’s a quiet shuffle, then a sniffle that breaks Jim’s heart a little.

“Daddy?”

“Hey, sweetheart,” Jim replies softly. “Mommy said you had a nightmare, is that right?”

“Uh-huh. I was l-lost, and- and I couldn’t find you or Mommy or anybody. And then I woke up, and it was dark and I was alone.”

“Aw, I’m sorry, David. That must have been really scary.”

“Uh-huh. Daddy?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Can I see you?”

Jim freezes.

“Uh…” He glances over at Spock, who quickly shakes his head. “Er… could you give me a second?”

“Why?”

“I have to do… something, just real quick.” An idea occurs to him, and he shoots Spock a preemptive apologetic look. “Why don’t you chat with Dr. Spock for a second while I do?”

Spock’s eyes widen slightly, and Jim mouths a ‘sorry’ at him.

“Mister Dr. Spock is there?”

“Yeah, we were, uh… hanging out. Oh, why don’t you ask him that question about sand that I didn’t know the answer to?”

“Okay!”

Spock raises an eyebrow as Jim hands him the comm. Jim mouths another ‘sorry’ before getting off the couch.

“Hello, David,” he hears Spock say as he heads for the bathroom. There’s a pause. “I see. The reason black sand exists is because it is made of volcanic material such as lava and basalt rocks. Sand seen elsewhere, on the other hand, comes from…”

Jim bites back a smile, quickly rushing into the bathroom and turning on the sick. He briefly mourns the fact that he can’t keep any- no jacket to hide the kiss marks on his throat this time- then wipes them off, buttoning up his shirt and straightening himself out as best he can before heading back.

“... yes, there are volcanoes on Vulcan. For example, there is Mount Tar’Hana, which last erupted approximately fifty-six years ago.” A pause. “I have seen a volcano erupt, but not Mount Tar’Hana. It was an uninhabited planet my ship observed when I was still a member of the Vulcan Expeditionary Group.”

Jim smiles as he walks over to the couch, sitting down next to Spock.

“Your father has returned. Would you still like to see him?” A pause. “Very well. Good night, David.”

After a moment, Spock turns to Jim, handing him the comm. Jim smiles, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, then turns on the comm’s video call.

“Hi, buddy.”

David sniffs, eyes red around the rims.

“Hi, Daddy. You’re okay?”

“Yeah, sweetheart, I’m okay. I love you, you know that?”

David nods, sniffing again.

“I know. I love you too.”

“Good. Now, do you think you can get back to sleep?”

“... Can I have another story?”

Jim resists the urge to sigh.

“David-!”

“Please?”

Jim takes a breath, then exhales.

“Alright, but just a short one, okay?” He shoots Spock an apologetic look, getting a simple nod in return, then gets up and heads over to David’s room.

Ten minutes later, David is sound asleep in his bed.

“Thank you, Jim. I’m sorry that we interrupted you.”

“It’s alright, really. These things happen.” He clears his throat. “But, uh, I’d like to get back to Spock, so…”

Carol laughs on the other end.

“Alright, alright. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“You and I both know that’s a short list.”

She laughs again, then hangs up. Jim exhales, then slips his comm back in his pocket, heading back towards the living room.

When he sees Spock, he clears his throat.

“David’s asleep,” he tells him. Spock turns to him, nodding.

“I am gratified to hear that.”

“Yeah, me too.”

For a moment, neither of them speak.

Jim clears his throat again.

“So, listen, I completely understand if the mood’s been killed, but if you’d like to get back to what we were doing-!”

Spock immediately stands up, crossing the room in just a few strides before crowding Jim up against the wall and pressing their lips together. Jim melts, threading his fingers in the hair on the back of Spock’s head as Spock’s tongue slips into his mouth.

Some time later, they break apart.

“When did you say you needed to be home by?” Jim asks, a little breathless.

“11:30 PM. The current time is 10:22 PM.”

Jim nods, biting his lip and curling a hand around the back of Spock’s neck.

“I think that should be plenty of time, if you’re still-!”

“Yes.”

A laugh bursts past Jim’s lips.

“Didn’t even have to think about it, huh?”

“No.” Spock frowns. “Do you?”

“Absolutely not. I’ve never been as certain of something in my entire life.”

Spock’s only response to that is a kiss that nearly puts Jim’s knees out from under him.

Notes:

should have an extra chapter up by the weekend if you're interested ;)

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "juno" by sabrina carpenter)

Chapter 29: mother

“I really am sorry about the short notice Dr. Spock.”

Spock closes his eyes, resisting the urge to sigh.

“I understand, Mei. I hope that your sister has an easy recovery from her injury.”

Mei thanks him, then bids him farewell before hanging up. Spock slips his comm back into his pocket, thinning his lips as he glances out into the living room, where Saavik is busy drawing with crayons.

He does, truly, understand Mei’s predicament. Taking care of a family member who has broken a limb and has no one else to help them would take precedence over work for anyone, himself included. 

But it does leave him without a babysitter tonight. Given that there is only two hours until his date with Jim, Spock does not think he will have time to arrange a new babysitter at all, even if he was willing to subject Saavik to such a change with little warning.

Jim will be disappointed, especially given that this is their make-up date for his birthday- Carol had agreed to let Jim have custody of David from morning until after dinner on his actual birthday, meaning they won’t be able to see each other. However, he knows that Jim will understand, and be willing to reschedule.

But Spock cannot say he is not also disappointed.

He allows himself a small sigh, then pulls his comm out of his pocket. Just as he is about to call Jim, however, there is a knock at the door. 

Spock frowns- the mail was already delivered today, and he had planned to leave money for Mei to order a vegan pizza for Saavik and herself for dinner. He puts his comm back in his pocket, walking over to the front door and opening it.

“Surprise!”

Spock blinks, eyebrows rising.

“Mother?”

He hears Saavik gasp behind him, and within seconds she’s sprinted from the coffee table to the door and nearly bowled his mother over in a hug.

“Oof! Well, hello to you too, kan-bu! My, you’re getting big, aren’t you?”

“Mother, what are you doing here?”

His mother tuts.

“Spock, that’s hardly any way to greet your mother, don’t you think?”

Spock resists the urge to roll his eyes.

“I am pleased to see you, but you made no prior indication that you would be coming to Earth.”

“Can’t a woman come visit her son and granddaughter without it being a big to-do?” His mother argues, absently carding a hand through Saavik’s hair. “Now, may I come in or shall I stand out in the hallway all day long?”

Spock thins his lips, but acquiesces, letting his mother enter the apartment. A thought occurs to him, and he frowns.

“You came alone?”

“Spock, I’m not so old as to need a chaperone just yet,” his mother jokes.

“I was referring to Father. He is not here?”

His mother’s smile flickers momentarily. Her hand rises as if she is reaching for something on her person, then falls.

“Well, you know your father. Always working, that man. He’s on a trip off-planet, and I was tired of sitting by myself at home, so I came here.”

“With no bags?” He glances down. “Besides your purse and one from our local grocery store?”

“They’re at the hotel. I’m not going to put you out of your bed, and I think if I tried to sleep on the couch I just wouldn’t get up again.”

Saavik makes a sound of distress.

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart, that was just a joke. It would simply be difficult- but not impossible- for me to get back up due to my age.”

Saavik still looks worried, holding tightly to his mother’s leg. She sighs, running a hand through her hair again.

“Come on, dear, your grandmother needs to put this heavy bag down.”

Saavik hums, letting go but following her over to the kitchen.

“My, Spock, your apartment is lovely,” she notes as she sets her bag on the counter.

“Thank you. It serves us well.”

“Mm. You didn’t bring much from your apartment on Vulcan, though.”

“It seemed impractical to do so.”

“Spock, you’re old enough to know that decor is rarely practical. Do you still have any of it in storage on Vulcan?”

“I do, but I believe it would be simpler to leave it where it is. If I wish to decorate more, there are markets for that here.”

His mother smiles.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that."

Just then, there’s a quiet thump, followed by a long meow.

“Oh!” His mother smiles from ear to ear as she turns towards the table, where Ashaya is looking at her curiously. “Well, hello there! Who’s this?”

“This is Ashaya, our cat.” Spock gives her a stern look. “Who knows she is not allowed on the table.”

Ashaya blinks at him.

“Expressing affection towards me does not change the rules.”

Ashaya blinks again, then yawns.

“Oh, Spock, don’t be such a stickler,” his mother chides lightly, walking over to the table. She holds out her hand, which Ashaya sniffs once before butting her head against it. “See? She’s far too sweet to be strict with!”

Spock resists the urge to roll his eyes, instead staying quiet as his mother pets and coos at their cat.

“You’re just a little baby, aren’t you?” She says in a voice that he recalls her using with I-Chaya. “Yes, you’re just a darling little lady.”

Ashaya trills as his mother scratches behind her ear, thumping her leg a bit. After a moment, she appears to lose interest, jumping off the table and walking toward the living room. Saavik takes that moment to tug on his mother’s pantleg.

“Yes, kan-bu?”

She points at the living room, then signs.

“Oh, yes, I’d love to see what you were drawing!”

Saavik beams, then grabs his mother’s arm, pulling her toward the living room and instructing her to sit in the living chair. Spock follows, standing behind her and watching as Saavik hands her one of her drawings. It is mostly blue scribbles, but the shape is recognizable to Spock, who has been presented many of Saavik’s drawings.

“Oh, what a lovely…”

“Whale,” Spock whispers.

“A whale, of course! It’s beautiful, Saavik.”

Saavik smiles, then returns to her drawings, sorting through them to show his mother. 

“She still likes whales?” His mother asks.

“Very much so.”

“That’s sweet. I remember your interests changing much faster when you were her age. Though I suppose you had things you remained interested in too.”

Before Spock can reply to that, Saavik picks out another piece of paper, returning to his mother and holding it up.

“And this is a very lovely… cat?”

“It is Ashaya,” Spock confirms.

“Ah, I see.” His mother’s head turns toward Ashaya, who is currently licking one of her front paws while lying on the couch. “It looks just like her, dear.”

It looks almost nothing like her, nor any cat, but Saavik is pleased anyway, returning to her drawing pile. She brings several more drawings to show his mother- a pizza, the titular character from Meii’shi, and a stick-figure version of himself, all of which his mother compliments thoroughly.

It is only at the last drawing that his mother falters. 

“Now, what’s this?” She inquires, taking the drawing from Saavik. It is of a pair of stick figures holding hands- both gray-haired, with one having lines on either side of its face and the other’s worn long. The stick figure with the lines is drawn in green crayon outside of the hair, whereas the other is drawn in orange.

“I believe that is you and Father,” Spock tells her.

Saavik nods, signing. 

I was going to show it to you during our next vidcall.

“Oh, well, that’s…” His mother smiles. It does not reach her eyes. “This is beautiful, sweetheart, thank you.”

Spock frowns as his mother gently folds the drawing and puts it in her purse, but before he can say anything she stands up.

“Anyway, while I was making my way here I had an idea.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“What sort of idea?”

His mother smiles as she returns to the bag on the counter. 

“Well, I thought that while I’m here, we could all make latkes together!” She says, pulling out a russet potato.

Spock blinks.

“Latkes?” He repeats.

Saavik makes a questioning noise.

“Little fried potato pancakes, kan-bu. Your father loved them when he was your age.”

Saavik looks up at him, tilting her head. Spock clears his throat.

“I do enjoy latkes, but I do not know that we can make them together. For one thing, I have only one apron that would suit an adult, let alone an apron that would suit Saavik.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, dear.” She pulls a flower-patterned apron out of the bag. “I found this at the store. And as for Saavik…”

She grins, then pulls out a small apron with flowers embroidered on the hem.

One that is perfectly suited to someone Saavik’s size.

“Ta-da! They had this at the grocery store too, isn’t it lovely?”

Saavik gasps, running over and reaching up for the apron. 

“Turn around and I’ll put it on for you,” his mother tells her. Saavik does, practically vibrating with excitement as his mother helps her into it. “See, Spock, it’s perfect!”

Spock thins his lips, then exhales slowly. 

“If we are going to make latkes, Saavik, you will have to wash your hands first. I would also like to put your hair in a ponytail.”

Saavik nods seriously, running over to the bathroom. His mother smiles at him, then puts her hands together.

“I bought everything we’d need to make them. I’ll wash the potatoes if you get out the cookware?”

Spock nods, then walks into his kitchen to find a pan, a cutting board, a mixing bowl, measuring cups, and a grater. Just as he puts the last item on the counter, Saavik bounds back into the kitchen, practically thrusting a hair tie and her hairbrush into Spock’s hands.

“Turn around,” he instructs. She does so, only barely holding still as he brushes her hair back and puts it in a ponytail. Once that is done, he returns the brush to her. “Put this back.”

Saavik huffs, but does as asked, rushing back to the bathroom. 

“I’m done with the sink,” his mother tells him. She has also put her hair up. “Wash your hands.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Mother, I am thirty-four years old. I do not need to be reminded to wash my hands.”

“I’m still your mother, no matter how old you are,” his mother argues. “Wash your hands.”

Spock closes his eyes, inhaling, then exhaling, then goes to wash his hands. Saavik comes back when he is midway through, all but jumping onto her stepstool and patting her hands on the counter.

“It’s exciting, isn’t it?” His mother says with a laugh. Spock turns off the faucet, walking over to the counter and stopping next to them. “Alright, let’s get started!”

“If I recall correctly, we first must grate the potatoes.”

Saavik nods, reaching for the grater. Spock quickly pulls it out of her grasp, and she looks up at him, brows furrowed.

“You are too young to use that.”

Saavik pouts, then looks up at his mother, eyes large and pleading.

“I’m afraid I have to side with your father here, sweetheart. I didn’t let him use the grater when he was your age, either.”

Saavik puffs out her cheeks, clearly displeased with this turn of events. 

“How about you and I pour out some other ingredients while your father grates the potatoes?”

Saavik immediately perks up, nodding and turning her attention to the measuring cups. Spock watches them out of the corner of his eyes as they pour out the required amount of flour, chopped green onion, milk substitute, cornstarch, salt, baking powder, a smaller amount of black pepper than called for, and more dill and shredded vegan cheese than called for. He is pleased to note that there is very little spillage considering one of the participants is three years old. What there is, his mother takes a moment to clean up immediately. By the time he is done grating the potatoes and squeezing the moisture out of them, the counter is as neat as can be expected considering that they are cooking. 

“Alright, sweetheart. We have to mix this very well, since this recipe doesn’t use eggs,” his mother instructs as she pulls the bowl in front of her.

Saavik nods seriously, holding the wooden spoon tightly in her grip. 

In the end, Spock has to help with the mixing, as it becomes too thick for Saavik to mix on her own, but she does not appear to be upset by that, too fascinated by the process of the mixture coming together.

“Alright, that looks good. Spock, go ahead and heat up the oil for frying, will you?”

Spock nods, looking down at Saavik.

“Saavik, this part will be dangerous for you to be around. Please go to the living room.”

Saavik frowns, shaking her head.

“You must.”

She shakes her head again.

“Saavik.”

Saavik whines, and Spock thins his lips. He hears a soft chuckle, looking up to see his mother covering a smile with her hand.

“And what is so amusing, mother?”

“Oh, I’m just recalling a certain little boy not wanting to leave the kitchen when I fried latkes for him.”

Heat blooms in Spock’s cheeks, and he clears his throat.

“Regardless, I still did so.”

“Yes, after I told you that I-Chaya was lonely.” She looks down at Saavik, smiling. “How about you go check on Ashaya, dear?”

Saavik immediately perks up once again, jumping off the stepstool and running toward the living room.

“Wash your hands before you pet her,” Spock calls. Saavik groans, but makes a detour to the bathroom anyway.

“You remember how to do this?” His mother asks. “I know it’s been a while.”

“I do.”

She smiles, then gestures at the pan. 

“Well, have at, then.”

Spock nods, getting to work scooping out parts of the mixture to fry. Moments later, the smell of the mixture frying hits his nostrils, making his stomach growl. His cheeks heat as his mother laughs.

“You were always so excited to have these when you were little,” she teases, “I’m glad to see that much hasn’t changed.”

Spock clears his throat, glancing away.

“... they are my favorite.”

“Hm?”

“Your latkes. They are my favorite food.”

He hears her inhale sharply. He does not look at her.

“... we- we should flip these,” she says after a moment. 

Spock nods, grabbing the tongs.

He chances a glance at his mother. Her eyes are slightly glossy, but there is a small smile on her face.

His own lips quirk upward at the sight, but he says nothing.

Moments later, the latkes are finished. His mother prepares them to be served while Spock disposes of the excess vegetable oil.

“All done. What do you think?”

Spock glances over as he places the pan in the sink, nodding when he sees them.

“More than satisfactory.”

His mother snorts, but she is clearly pleased. She turns to look out into the living room.

“Saavik, honey, the latkes are ready!”

Saavik gasps, immediately dropping the worm-on-a-string Jim had insisted Ashaya would love (and was entirely correct about) and running into the kitchen.

“Wash your hands before you take any,” Spock tells her.

Saavik groans even more loudly than before, but does as requested, perhaps a bit faster than recommended. When she is done, she goes to the counter, attempting to reach for the plate. His mother chuckles, then picks up a latke and gives it to her.

“Careful, it’s still warm.”

Saavik nods, then takes a cautious bite. Her eyes light up, and she immediately scarfs the rest of it down.

“Good?”

She nods vigorously, then holds out her hands.

“Alright, but just one more. I’m sure it’s nearly dinner time.” His mother gives Saavik another latke, then looks over at Spock. “You should have one too, dear.”

Spock nods, picking one up and taking a bite. 

It tastes exactly as he remembers. Savory, earthy, perfectly crisp on the outside and tender on the inside- perfection is rare, but Spock truly believes that these have always qualified as perfect.

And yet, something is different. He is unsure what, but there is something… missing. 

“Spock?”

He looks up at his mother, who is frowning at him.

“Everything alright? They taste okay?”

Spock nods.

“Yes. Exactly as I remember.”

She smiles, and Spock turns his head away, finishing his latke in silence. 

“Now, I meant what I said about dinner. What do you two think we should do?”

Saavik lifts her hands to sign.

Pizza, please!

“Pizza would be satisfactory,” Spock agrees. “I will order from our usual restaurant, and it will arrive by the time we are done cleaning.”

“Sounds good to me. Saavik, why don’t you go play with Ashaya some more while your father and I clean?”

Saavik nods, bounding off into the living room.

“Mother, you do not have to help.”

His mother waves him off.

“Oh, hush. I helped you make the mess, I’ll help clean it up. I’ll start while you order the pizza.”

Spock pauses, then decides he would rather not get into an argument with his mother today. He instead nods, pulling his comm out of his pocket. Once their dinner is ordered, he puts it back and sets to putting the leftover ingredients away.

“She’s grown.”

Spock pauses just as he finishes putting the leftover flour into the jar, looking up at his mother.

“Pardon?”

“Saavik,” she clarifies. She doesn’t look at him, her eyes on the plate in her hands. “She’s grown quite a lot since you’ve been on Earth.”

Spock inclines his head slightly. 

“We have been here for nearly six months,” he replies. “At her age, such growth is expected. For her to stay the same size as she was would indicate-!”

“I don’t just mean physically, Spock. I mean that she’s come out of her shell.” His mother looks over at him, smiling softly. “She seems happy.”

Spock blinks, lips parting for a moment before he closes his mouth.

“... I believe that she is very satisfied with her life as of now,” he says after a moment of thought. “Earth has been good for her.”

His mother smiles.

“I think so too. You’ve done a wonderful job, Spock.”

Spock cannot stop himself from inhaling quickly- he is barely able to stop the sudden pressure behind his eyes. He averts his gaze, putting the flour jar back into the cupboard.

“... thank you,” he says once he’s managed to compose himself.

He hears a soft laugh from his mother, but she says nothing else. 

A moment later, though, he hears her grunt.

“Is something troubling you?”

“Ah, I think a little bit of the oil burned itself onto the pan. It’s being a bit stubborn.”

Spock frowns, walking up next to her.

“Your arthritis would make that more difficult.”

She scoffs.

“I’m still perfectly capable of washing dishes, Spock.”

“Perhaps, but I would prefer you not strain yourself. I will finish cleaning the pan if you would like.”

His mother thins her lips, then sighs and places the pan in the sink.

“Oh, alright. But I’m doing the rest of the kitchen, and I won’t hear an argument.”

Spock is about to argue anyway when there’s a knock at the door.

“Do you think that could be dinner already?”

“They tend to be timely, so it is possible.”

His mother smiles.

“I’ll get it, then.” 

Spock nods, turning back to the sink and pulling the pan under the water. Just as he takes the scrubber in hand, he hears the front door open.

“Hi, thanks for-! Oh!”

“Oh, um… hello, ma’am.”

Spock freezes, dropping the pan. It clatters in the sink, but he does not have the mental capacity to consider it, nor even to take off his apron. Instead, he rushes out of the kitchen and to the front door, heart pounding in his side.

There, standing at the front door, is Jim, holding a bouquet of flowers and smiling awkwardly at Spock’s mother.

For all his education and experience, the only thought Spock can muster is oh, no.

Notes:

am being murdered by a high pollen count. send help and non-drowsy generic allergy meds

comments are always appreciated!

(also the extra chapter is up if you wanna read that ;))

Chapter 30: dynamics

When Spock was thirteen years old, he downloaded what is known as a “young adult novel” to his PADD. It was, in essence, his first act of rebellion against his Vulcan upbringing- his father disapproved of him reading non-Vulcan authors after his kahs-wan.

It was… fine. He would not go as far as to call it “great literature,” but it was entertaining enough.

However, something that has always stuck with him was the way that the author described the protagonist experiencing embarrassment- specifically, their sudden desire for the floor to swallow them up. 

He never quite understood that. Besides the general improbability of that occurrence, it seemed illogical to wish for at the very least horrible injury over a simple emotion.

Now, however, with his mother and boyfriend both staring at him, Spock believes he understands the sentiment now.

“Hey, Spock,” Jim offers. “I, uh… I didn’t know you had company tonight.”

“It- this visit was unplanned,” Spock explains. 

“Ah, uh, I- I see.”

“Spock?” His mother starts. “May I ask who this gentleman is?”

“Ah, uh, I’m Jim Kirk, ma’am,” Jim explains, shifting the bouquet around in his arms and holding his hand out. “Nice to meet you, Miss…?”

“Grayson. Amanda Grayson,” his mother replies, shaking his hand. “I’m Spock’s mother.”

Jim’s eyes widen slightly as he pulls his hand back. He glances at Spock, then gives her a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I see.” He glances at Spock again, then clears his throat. “Well, um, I- I wouldn’t want to interrupt your evening-!”

“Oh, nonsense, come in,” Spock’s mother says quickly. “If anyone’s interrupted anything, it’s clearly me.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“I, well, we- we did have plans, but-!”

“No buts, come in. Have a latke. Spock, put those flowers in water.”

She walks away before either of them can argue. Spock glances over at Jim, who shrugs in response.

“Well, I- I hope you like these, at least,” Jim says, holding out the flowers- a dozen pink roses.

“Thank you. I find them quite pleasing.” He allows himself to give Jim a small smile. “Would you mind showing me how to prepare these?”

Jim smiles back at him.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

Spock ushers him into the kitchen, carefully placing the bouquet on an unused part of the counter before getting the vase he’d purchased recently. 

“Wow, you guys were busy, huh?”

“My mother wanted us to make latkes together.”

“Oh, that sounds like fun.”

“It was a very pleasant experience. I believe Saavik enjoyed it.”

“I’ll bet. Alright, first thing you’re going to want to do is…”

Seconds after the flowers are prepped and in the vase, Saavik notices Jim’s presence in the apartment. She gasps, running into the kitchen, and Jim grins.

“Well, hey there, kiddo,” he greets. “How are you doing tonight?”

Saavik gives him a thumbs up. 

“Glad to hear it. Did you have fun with your grandmother today?”

Saavik nods, then signs for Jim to wait before running back into the living room. They both watch her sort through her pile of drawings for nearly a full minute before she finds what she’s looking for. She runs back in, holding up a drawing.

“Oh, is this for me?”

Saavik nods, getting on her toes to hold it up just slightly higher.

“May I take a closer look?”

Saavik nods again, and Jim carefully takes the drawing from her. Spock leans over his shoulder to see that it is another pair of stick figures, one much larger than the other. 

“Is this… me and David?”

Saavik nods, and Jim smiles.

“Great job, kiddo. Looks just like us.”

Saavik beams, then, rather unexpectedly, runs forward to hug Jim’s legs. It lasts less than a moment before she runs back to the living room, but it leaves both Jim and himself blinking in surprise.

“... huh. That’s new,” Jim murmurs. He looks over at Spock, smiling a bit. “But I’m glad that I have her approval.”

The corners of Spock’s lips twitch upward, and he leans in slightly.

“Who’s David?”

Spock jerks his head back, heat rushing to his face. His mother raises an eyebrow.

“Sorry?” Jim asks.

“I heard you mention that the drawing Saavik gave you was of yourself and someone named David,” she clarifies.

“Ah, David’s- he’s my son. He and Saavik are in the same class at the Academy’s daycare.”

His mother’s eyes light up.

“Oh, that David, I remember now! He seems like a lovely boy.”

Jim chuckles.

“Well, I think Saavik and I are both a little biased, but I think he’s pretty great.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, I’m sure you and your wife have done a wonderful job with him.”

Spock resists the urge to wince.

“Oh, uh, I’m- I’m divorced, actually.”

Spock’s mother’s expression shifts to one Spock recognizes from the very few times he attempted to outright lie to her.

“So, you’re a divorced father who works at Starfleet Academy, and you brought flowers to the apartment of another single father who works at Starfleet Academy, whom you had plans with, do I have that right?”

Jim stiffens a bit.

“Er… yes, ma’am.”

She hums, then looks over at Spock.

“Spock, dear, is there perhaps something you’d like to tell me?”

Spock closes his eyes, taking a breath and counting down from ten in French before exhaling.

“Mother,” he starts, “Jim is my… romantic partner.”

His mother hums, then, to Spock’s relief, smiles.

“I suspected as much. I’m very happy for you, sweetheart.” She tilts her head slightly. “Though I can see that I’ve definitely derailed your plans.”

Jim chuckles.

“Yes, I can’t say I was expecting to meet my boyfriend’s mother when I picked him up for our date tonight.”

“I apologize for not contacting you,” Spock says.

“I understand. It’s not every day you get a surprise visit from your mom. Though I would have thought that Mei would be here by now.”

“Mei was unable to come tonight.”

“She was? Is she alright?”

“Her sister is injured and needed a caretaker. Again, I apologize, I was going to call you.”

Jim gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I see. So I guess the date’s off, then?”

“Well, hold on,” Spock’s mother interrupts. “I don’t see why you can’t still go.”

Spock turns to his mother, raising an eyebrow.

“My daughter is three, for one thing.”

“Spock, I may not be as young as I once was, but I can certainly take care of my granddaughter for a single night. I’ve taken care of her before, haven’t I?”

“Yes, but you’re a guest, and you’ve come from off planet.”

She shakes her head.

“I knew there was a chance I’d be interrupting plans of yours, and I’d like to avoid doing so as much as possible.” His mother smiles at him. “Go have fun, sweetheart.”

Spock hesitates, then nods.

“Very well, if you are certain.” He looks over at Jim. “Are you ready to go?”

Jim clears his throat.

“Well, I am, but I think you ought to change. Can’t imagine the restaurant will let you in with an apron on. Or flour on your shirt.”

Spock blinks, then looks down, heat rushing to his cheeks when he realizes that Jim is correct. He clears his throat, quickly undoing the tie at the back of his apron and slipping it off. 

“I will… go prepare. I apologize for the inconvenience, Jim.”

Jim smiles at him, and despite the fact that they have been in a relationship for over a month Spock’s stomach still flutters.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be alright.”

“Yes, I’ll make sure he’s entertained while you get ready,” his mother adds, a hint of mischief in her voice.

Spock tries to ignore the dread that promise fills him with. When that fails, he resolves to get ready as quickly as possible. 

---

It takes Spock approximately ten minutes to decide he is appropriately dressed and made up for the restaurant he and Jim are going to, during which he hears Jim and his mother laughing seven times. 

Each occurrence makes his stomach clench in a way that he tells himself to ignore. Surely his mother would not purposely embarrass him, he tells himself after the third instance.

… then again, she did insist on showing baby pictures the first and only time T’Pring visited during their adolescence.

… he may or may not rush through touching up his makeup.

When he has deemed himself to look presentable, he quickly leaves his bedroom, walking briskly over to the living room.

“Oh, hey, Spock!” Jim greets before taking a bite of a latke. He chews, then swallows. “You were right, these are really good.”

“Better than funnel cake?” Spock asks, raising an eyebrow.

Jim chuckles.

“As I’ve said before, different foods require different metrics.” He finishes his latke, taking the napkin Spock’s mother offers him to wipe his mouth. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s been some time since I made any, so I was a little concerned they wouldn’t turn out right.”

“Well, I think they turned out perfectly, though I’ve admittedly never had any others.” 

Spock’s mother laughs softly.

“Spock, your boyfriend is lovely.”

“I am rather fond of him myself.”

Jim beams at him, then looks down when his comm chirps. 

“Ah, we should probably head out,” Jim says, slipping his comm into his pocket and standing up. “It was wonderful to meet you, Ms. Grayson.”

“Amanda,” his mother corrects. 

Jim smiles.

“Amanda, then.” He turns to look at Saavik. “You behave for your grandmother, alright, Saavik?”

Saavik looks up from her drawing and nods before raising her hands to sign.

Have fun together.

“We will.”

Spock nods, then walks over to Saavik, kneeling down and pressing his forehead to hers.

“Be good. I will see you in the morning.”

She nods, transmitting affection through their bond before pulling away and returning to her drawing.

Spock looks to his mother as he stands up.

“Her bedtime is at seven-thirty. If she remains clean through dinner, then she does not need a bath tonight. I will return by eleven-thirty.”

“Perfect.” She makes a shooing motion. “Now, get going, I don’t want you two to be late for your reservation.”

Jim laughs softly.

“Alright, alright. Oh, and Amanda, please do send me that photo.”

“Of course, Jim.”

Spock frowns.

“What picture?”

“Don’t worry about it. Come on, let’s get going.”

---

“Your server will be with you in just a moment,” the host tells them before walking away.

“Glad we made it in time,” Jim comments. 

“Indeed. These reservations were not easy to arrange,” Spock replies as he picks up his menu.

Jim smiles.

“I really do appreciate you going out of your way for me like this.”

“It is no hardship to do so. Especially given the importance Humans place on their birthdays.”

Jim laughs as he opens his menu.

“It isn’t too illogical for you?”

“It is illogical,” Spock explains, “but I am willing to involve myself in it if it pleases you.”

Jim smiles at him in a way that makes Spock’s stomach flip, but before either of them can say anything the waiter arrives at the table.

“Good evening, my name is Arven and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I get either of you something to drink?”

“Just water for now, thank you.”

“Water will be satisfactory for me as well.”

“Excellent, I’ll have that right out for you.”

Arven walks away, and Jim turns to look at Spock once more. Just when he opens his mouth to speak, however, his comm beeps.

“Ah, sorry, I thought I put that on silent.”

“I do not mind, though perhaps you should check and see if the message is regarding David.”

“You sure?”

“You are his father. Your primary duty is to be there for him.”

Jim blinks, then smiles before taking his comm out and turning it on. 

A moment later, he lets out a soft laugh.

“What is so amusing?” Spock asks.

“Oh, uh, just- your mom sent me that picture I asked her for.”

Spock stiffens.

“I see.” He turns his gaze to his menu.

“... don’t you want to know what it is?” Jim asks.

“No.”

Out of the corner of his vision, he sees Jim shift.

“... well, alright,” Jim murmurs, picking up his menu.

Neither of them speak until Arven approaches, putting down their water before asking if they’re ready to order.

“I’ll have the salmon tonight, with a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.”

“The lentil bolognese, please. I will also have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.”

“Alright, I’ll have that out for you as soon as possible,” Arven replies, smiling politely as he walks away. 

Jim turns to Spock, eyebrow raised with a smile on his face.

“I didn’t know you liked wine.”

“As I have never had it, I cannot say whether I like it. However, I believe now would be an optimal time to try it, though I cannot imagine the alcohol content will affect me.”

Jim shrugs.

“Well, it’s good to be a little adventurous.”

Spock hums, and the table falls silent.

“... so, uh,” Jim starts, “your mom visiting must have been nice, if unexpected.”

“I would have preferred that she contacted me ahead of her arrival, but yes, it was pleasant.” Spock resists the urge to tap his fingers against the table. “You seemed to have a pleasant conversation with her.”

“Oh, yeah, she’s lovely. Not exactly what I expected, though.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“How so?”

“I guess she’s just- she’s a bit bubblier than I thought she would be. More energetic and extroverted than I would have expected out of someone who’s lived on Vulcan as long as she has.”

Spock tilts his head.

“I suppose I see what you mean. However, in my experience she has always been adept at adapting to the personalities around her. Amongst Vulcans, she is typically more reserved.”

By Human standards, at least.

Jim hums thoughtfully.

“I suppose that would be helpful. Still, I rather like her.” He smiles. “She loves you and Saavik very much, you know.”

Heat rushes to Spock’s cheeks.

“You spoke with her for approximately ten minutes.”

“I needed less than half of that to know how much she loves you two. It’s sweet, she cares a lot about you both.” Jim frowns. “Which makes me wonder why you’ve been a little off all evening. And why you went so quiet after she sent me the picture.”

Spock holds back a grimace, glancing away.

“It is… complicated.”

“Try me.”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“My parents do not keep anything from each other,” Spock explains. “Everything I tell my mother, I do so expecting that my father will know within the day.”

Realization dawns in Jim’s eyes.

“And… you don’t think he’d approve of me?”

“My father has laid out certain expectations for me all my life- expectations that, until I resigned from the Vulcan Expeditionary Group to care for Saavik, I did little to meaningfully stray from.” He studies his wine glass. “One of those expectations was that I would marry a Vulcan from a clan similar in importance to our own. And while I have no desire to do that, I cannot say I am not… somewhat apprehensive about what his reaction to the fact that I am in a relationship with a Human will be.”

Jim hums, taking a drink of his water.

“Well,” he says after he swallows, “I suppose if he gives you grief over it, you can always point out that he’s a massive hypocrite.”

Spock blinks, then raises an eyebrow.

“How so?”

“He’s a Vulcan from a high-ranking clan who’s married to a Human woman who, I assume, was just a normal person before she married into your family?”

“My mother’s closest link to any nobility is a tenuous connection to a French lord who died in 1427.”

“There you go. It’s hardly fair for him to get all high and mighty with you over dating some guy from Iowa, born of a long line of guys from Iowa, when he’s not exactly being the perfect example of Vulcan nobility either.”

Spock hums for a moment.

“Pointing out his hypocrisy would surely cause an argument,” Spock replies.

Jim shrugs.

“Some arguments are worth having. Better than letting resentment fester for years and years. That’s how you end up miserable.”

Spock exhales slowly, picking up his glass of water.

“I will consider it, if the topic comes up,” he says before taking a drink. 

“Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could always ask your mom not to tell him.”

Spock considers this.

“I suppose. I doubt that she would keep it from him, however.” 

“Can’t hurt to ask, can it?”

“I see your point.” He pauses. “Jim?”

“Mm?”

“You are hardly ‘some guy from Iowa.’”

Jim blinks, then grins a bit bashfully.

“Well, compared to someone who’s practically Vulcan nobility I am.”

“Do not diminish your accomplishments. You are a ranking officer, as well as a well-respected professor at the Academy.”

Jim chuckles, shaking his head.

“You’re sweet.” 

After a moment, he clears his throat.

“By the way, if- if the picture bothers you, I can just delete it.”

Spock hesitates for a moment, then shakes his head.

“No, I… I do not mind you having it.” He pauses, then forces out an exhale. “Though I have changed my mind: I would like to see it.”

Jim smiles, then picks up and turns his comm towards Spock.

“Here you are.”

Spock takes the comm, looking at it with some apprehension, only to find himself blinking.

“Oh.”

The picture is of himself and Saavik, approximately one week after she was fully released from the hospital. They are both asleep on the sofa in Spock’s childhood home, Saavik curled up on his stomach while he has a hand on top of her to keep her steady. Even though the picture was taken from a small distance, the bags under Spock’s eyes are rather obvious.

“Amanda showed me that while you were getting ready. It’s really quite sweet, Spock. Though I am curious about the blonde patches in Saavik’s hair.”

“A quirk of Vulcan biology. When the pregnant parent is ill or under stress during pregnancy, the child’s hair may have lighter-colored patches than the rest. It typically changes to match the rest of the hair during the child’s second year, as Saavik’s and my own did.”

“That happened with you too?”

“There is a reason I am my parent’s only child.” Biologically speaking, at least.

“I see. Well, I’d like to see pictures of you with that hair someday.”

Spock stiffens slightly, glancing away.

“... would you rather I didn’t?”

“It… has less to do with you specifically than…” Spock exhales. “As you know, my childhood was not easy. Being reminded of it is… difficult.”

Jim’s eyes widen, then soften.

“I see. I can understand that. But surely there were happy times- or, I guess, times that you felt content and safe?”

“... I suppose.”

Spock does not know how to tell him that even those memories are tainted, that they remind him that, for over a decade, he’s effectively been an only child instead of the youngest of three.

So he says nothing else about it, and is instead quietly grateful when their dinner arrives and the subject changes.

“Would either of you like to take a look at our dessert menu?” Arven asks after their plates have been cleared away.

“No, I think we’ll take the check, thank you,” Jim says.

Spock frowns once Arven leaves.

“This is your birthday dinner. I would have thought you would want dessert.”

“Mm, I do, but David’s going to want cake and I’d rather not have that much sugar in a single weekend.” He smirks. “Besides, I can think of something else sweet that I’d rather have.”

Heat rushes to Spock’s face, and he allows his lips to rise in a small smile.

“I believe I can accommodate that.”

---

The apartment is silent save for soft snores and the sound of a holovision program as Spock walks back in and turns on the lights. He hears Ashaya chirp; seconds later she jumps onto the counter just as he walks by.

“Ashaya,” he warns.

Ashaya blinks at him. He sighs, then moves to pick her up, at which point she begins purring. 

Spock carries her over to the living room, where he sees his mother lying on the couch. Her eyes are closed, face turned toward the holovision. Spock allows Ashaya to jump out of his arms, then moves to wake her.

“Mother,” he says, shaking her arm gently.

She grunts, turning her face away.

“Mother, you said you did not wish to sleep here.”

His mother grunts again, then, after a moment, turns back to him, eyes just barely open.

“Spock?” She yawns. “What time is it?”

“Eleven thirty-six. I arrived home just a moment ago. My apologies for being late.”

“Hm. It’s fine, it was only a few minutes.” She sits up, wincing a bit, then smiles at him. “Did you and Jim have fun?”

“It was a pleasant evening,” Spock replies.

“Mm, I’ll bet, what with that little love bite on your neck.”

Spock blinks before heat rushes to his face.

“I- that is not-!”

“Spock,” his mother interrupts, far too amused, “I’m sixty-three years old. I know what a hickey looks like.”

Spock grimaces, moving to cover the mark with his hand.

“Oh, don’t be so embarrassed, dear, I’m happy for you.”

“Being happy for me and being aware of my sex life are not necessarily intertwined,” Spock mutters.

His mother just laughs as she gets off the couch.

“By the way, I can’t help but notice you’ve started wearing earrings again.”

Spock’s hand goes up to touch one.

“Ah, yes. I am. I usually wear at least two pairs.”

His mother smiles.

“I’m glad to see it. I’ve always thought you had wonderful taste in jewelry.”

Spock blinks, then inclines his head.

“Thank you. I…” Did not think you noticed. “I am pleased that you think that.”

“Mm. Saavik was a gem this evening, by the way. Though she did keep requesting extra stories.”

“She enjoys being read to.” Spock tilts his head. “And skirting the limits of her bedtime routine.”

His mother chuckles, pulling out her comm.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, just calling for a car to take me to the hotel.”

“I can-!”

“Spock, your daughter is asleep and you can hardly leave her alone.” She smiles at him. “Really, sweetheart, I’m not helpless.”

Spock frowns, but nods.

“How long are you planning on being in San Francisco?”

“Oh, probably another week. It’s been so long since I’ve been here, and there are a few old friends I’ve made plans with.”

Spock nods.

“I see. If you would like, Saavik and I can accompany you to the spaceport when you return to Vulcan at the end of the week.”

His mother’s smile falters slightly.

“Ah, I- I actually won’t be returning to Vulcan at the end of the week.”

Spock frowns.

“You will not?”

“Well, since I’m on Earth anyway, I thought I’d go visit our family in Montreal. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to see any of them in person, and your grandmother is getting on in years.”

Spock purses his lips, but nods. 

“I suppose that is logical. How long will you be on Earth, then?”

“Oh, I don’t know. At least a few more weeks, I think.”

Spock frowns again.

“Is Father on a long diplomatic mission?”

His mother hums noncommittally. 

“He’ll be gone for some time, yes. Like I said, I thought it was a good time to take a moment away from Vulcan.”

“I see.” Spock shifts from foot to foot, folding his arms behind his back. “Mother, I… I would like to ask something of you.”

His mother looks over at him, head tilted slightly.

“Of course, dear. What is it?”

Spock clears his throat.

“I would appreciate it if… if you were to refrain from telling Father about Jim at this time.”

His mother blinks, eyebrows rising slightly.

“Pardon?”

“I recognize that open, honest communication is an important part of your relationship with Father, and I would not ask you to change that without reason. However, I…” Spock takes a breath. “I would like more time before I have to discuss this aspect of my personal life with him.”

“Spock…”

Spock looks away.

“I understand, of course, if you do not feel comfortable keeping this from him. I simply-!”

“Spock,” his mother interrupts, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Spock, I won’t tell him.”

Spock hopes that the tension fleeing his body is not overly obvious.

“You will not?”

“No, of course not. I- you really thought I’d tell him?”

“You are his wife and bondmate. It is your right to share whatever you deem appropriate with your spouse.”

Something passes over her face that he can’t quite identify.

“Yes, but I don’t do it indiscriminately.”

Spock remains quiet.

“I don’t. When have I ever shared something you didn’t want him to know about?”

Spock resists the urge to sigh.

“When I was six, you shared that I cried while watching a holofilm with you. I received a lecture and was made to meditate for an extra two hours.”

His mother looks stunned.

“I- well, I’m sorry, Spock, but that was nearly thirty years ago.”

“It was not the only incident.” He raises a hand to stop her from speaking. “I do not tell you this to incite an argument, Mother. I have long since accepted that hoping you would keep something from Father, or vice versa, is illogical.”

“Spock…” After a moment, his mother sighs. “Alright, I- I suppose I see your point. But I won’t tell him this- I wasn’t going to tell him, even without you asking me not to.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise.

“No?”

His mother hesitates for a moment.

“It’s… been a bit of a sore subject, honestly. You being unbonded, I mean.”

“Ah. No, he was not pleased when T’Pring and I ended our betrothal.” He frowns. “He has not mentioned that to me since then, however.”

His mother looks away.

“... has he mentioned it to you?”

Her lips tighten slightly.

“... Spock, I want you to keep in mind that your father loves you very much, and just wants what is best for you.”

Spock knits his brow together.

“Your preface does not give me confidence that I will be pleased by this.”

His mother sighs.

“Your father has been looking into arranging another betrothal for you.”

Spock blinks, then frowns.

“... I see. And he did not think to consult me on that?”

“I’m sure he would have given you some choice in the matter,” his mother insists. 

“He did not even give me the option to choose whether I would even want this at all,” Spock points out.

His mother thins her lips, looking away.

“... no,” she admits, “no he didn’t. I did bring that up with him, but he was insistent.”

She raises her hand towards herself again, then drops it. 

“He’s stubborn. He always has been.” She looks up at him. “But I don’t want you to think that means you have to acquiesce to what he wants.”

“I had no plans to,” Spock says. “I have… done enough of that up until now.”

His mother smiles.

“Good.” Her comm beeps, and she glances down at it. “It appears my ride to the hotel is here.”

Spock nods.

“I am certain Saavik will want to see you again tomorrow.”

She smiles at him.

“I’d love to see you both too.” She puts a hand on his arm. “I love you, Spock.”

A strange sense of longing bubbles up in Spock’s throat that he cannot quite name.

“I… am very fond of you as well.”

She smiles again, then bids him good night when he walks her to the door.

It is only after she is gone that Spock can name what it was that made his throat go tight.

For the first time since he was ten years old, he wanted to hug his mother.

Notes:

will i ever stop writing complicated s'chn t'gai family dynamics?

... well my favorite episode is still "journey to babel," so, like, probably not.

thank you for reading! comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 31: friends

Jim grins as the vid-chat windows go from the placeholder image to a black screen, waving cheerfully. 

“Hey, guys!”

“Hi, Jim!” Nyota greets.

Bones speaks, but the audio doesn’t play.

“Uh, Bones, I think you’re muted.”

Bones grimacing, his eyes turning down to the bottom of his screen.

“Better?” He asks after a minute.

“Much. It’s great to see both of you!”

“Yeah. Too bad Gaila couldn’t make it tonight.”

Jim shrugs.

“Important developments in biotechnical research wait for no woman, I’m afraid.” Jim smiles. “How have you all been?”

“Well, most of my last month has been spent working on a vaccine for the Rigellian Flu strain that’s been going around on a nearby base. Existing vaccines are decently effective, but we want to be more certain about it.”

“I’ve been helping with the translation of some messages we intercepted.” Nyota shrugs. “Can’t really be any more specific than that.”

“Classified?”

“Mm, not so much that I’ll be in trouble for telling you the project exists, but I can’t give details.” Nyota smiles. “How are you, Jim? How’s David been doing?”

“Pretty good. He’s gotten into the groove of splitting time between Carol and I pretty well. He’s made a lot of progress with reading recently- that phonics program you told me about has really helped.”

“That’s wonderful to hear. And how are you doing? Classes been going okay?”

Jim shifts a bit.

“Yeah, classes- classes have been fine.”

Bones raises an eyebrow.

“Something the matter?”

“Why would something be the matter?”

“Because you’re being cagey, and you dodged the question just now. Come on, spill.”

Jim hesitates, then clears his throat.

“I’m actually… seeing someone.”

Both Bones and Nyota blink, and Jim gets the impression if they were all here in person they’d exchange a look.

“... it’s not Gary, is it?” Bones asks.

“Wh- no! I haven’t even talked to the guy in months.” And probably never will again. “Do you remember how one of my coworkers interrupted us when you and Gaila tried to do a whole intervention thing during that whole saga, though?”

“Yes, and how you got upset once he left. Oh, is that who you’re dating?” Nyota asks.

“That’s him. His name’s Spock, he’s a guest lecturer in the Sciences department. His daughter’s around David’s age.”

“Spock, huh? Not exactly a common name.”

“He’s Vulcan, Bones. Well, half-Vulcan, his mom’s Human. I actually met her recently, she’s lovely.”

“Aw, that’s nice. Has he met your parents?”

“Er… well, no, it- his mother kind of came over for a surprise visit on a day we were supposed to have a date.”

Nyota’s eyebrows rise.

“I see. That must have been awkward.”

“He did seem pretty embarrassed- as much as Vulcans express that, anyway- but I think we got through it alright. He’s a great guy, though.” Jim smiles. “I really like him.”

Bones furrows his brow a bit, but nods.

“Well, if you say so.”

Jim nods.

“Anything interesting coming up for you guys?”

“I’ll actually be in San Francisco next week!” Nyota tells him. “I finally managed to get some vacation time!”

“Hey, that’s great! We’ll have to meet up while you’re here.”

“Well, hopefully it’ll be the same day I’m there, then,” Bones comments.

“Wait, you’re coming too?”

Bones raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah? Jim, I told you I got shore leave on Earth a month ago.”

“You did? I don’t remember that.”

“You verbally acknowledged that I said it!”

Jim grins sheepishly.

“Sorry, Bones.”

Bones huffs.

“Well, anyway, if we can manage it we should all meet up. Been a while since we’ve all been in one place.”

“That sounds wonderful. Oh, Jim, you should bring Spock with you!”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“You think so?”

“Of course! I know I’d love to meet him.”

“And I don’t particularly trust your taste in men,” Bones adds.

Jim rolls his eyes.

“All of the men I’ve been involved with besides Gary have been lovely and you know it, Bones.”

Bones shrugs.

“I just wanna make sure.”

Jim huffs.

“I’ll ask him.” Jim smiles. “Now, enough about me. Any updates on that love triangle you’ve gotten yourself wrapped up in, Nyota?”

Bones chuckles as Nyota rolls her eyes.

“It’s hardly a love triangle. I’m not even casually dating Christine or Monty.”

“Do they know that?”

“Leonard!”

Jim laughs, leaning back and taking a sip of his beer.

“Well, updates on Christine or Monty, then.”

Nyota smirks.

“Well… Christine and I did take a lovely walk a few days ago…”

---

Jim hums to himself as he turns the corner, shuffling his and Spock’s lunches in his arms- it was his turn to grab their lunches from the fridge for once, in his humble opinion. Spock had said he wasn’t bothered by it, but didn’t protest much when Jim insisted.

He’s about to knock on the door when he hears Spock speaking to someone. For a second, he thinks it’s a student and resigns himself to just dropping off Spock’s lunch and leaving, but peering into Spock’s office reveals that he’s just talking on his comm.

“... I understand. I will call her soon.” Spock pauses. “The next few days are when midterm grades are due, so I will not be able to call her until after that.”

Another pause.

“I am sure Saavik will be glad to hear from her as well. Give her my regards.” One last pause. “I am very fond of you as well. Goodbye, Mother.”

Jim holds back a small snort as Spock hangs up, leaning on the doorway.

“Hope I’m not interrupting anything important.”

Spock looks over at him, the tiniest smile appearing on his face.

“You are not. Thank you for getting our lunches.”

“Of course.” Jim walks over to him, leaning in for a quick kiss before handing him his lunch.  “So, how’s your mom doing in Montreal?”

“Her trip appears to be going well. I have been informed that I should call my grandmother and uncles more often, and my grandmother would like to have more vid-calls with Saavik.”

“Aw, that’s sweet. Is she the first great-grandchild?”

“Age-wise, yes. However, one of my cousins had their first child before the adoption was finalized, so chronologically they had the first great-grandchild.”

Jim smiles as they walk over to Spock’s desk and sit down in their usual spots. 

“Well, it’s still nice to see that she cares. Do you get up to Montreal often?”

“No. We last visited shortly before we moved to San Francisco, and before that the last time I visited was for my Bar Mitzvah.”

“I see. Maybe you can head out there for a long weekend or something.”

Spock hums noncommittally.

“Perhaps. How was your weekend?”

“Oh, fine. David’s with Carol this week, so I got a chance to do some cleaning.”

“I also did some cleaning. Saavik offered her assistance.” Spock pauses. “She… did as well as could be expected from a three-year-old.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head.

“Yeah, it’s sweet when they want to help, but there’s not really much they can actually do, is there?”

“I did at least convince her to put her toys away.”

“That’s always good. Do anything else fun?”

They chat for a little longer, moving over to the sofa once they’re done with lunch. 

At a lull in the conversation, Jim clears his throat.

“So, uh, I… I had a call with a couple of my friends last night.”

Spock looks up at him.

“Indeed?”

“Yeah, we- we have a standing appointment- Bones, Nyota, Gaila and I- to have a vid-chat a couple times a month. Gaila couldn’t make it, but Bones, Nyota and I still talked for a while.” He takes a breath. “And I, uh… I told them about you.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise incrementally.

“I see.”

“Is- is that okay?”

“I do not see why it would not be.”

“Oh. Good.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, uh- Bones managed to get shore leave at the same time that Nyota got vacation time, and they’ll both be on Earth for about a week- including a stop in San Francisco next week.”

“I am sure you are looking forward to seeing them.”

“Well, yes, of course, but, um…” Jim shifts in his seat. “The reason I’m telling you this is because Bones and Nyota would like to meet you.”

Again, Spock’s eyebrows rise.

“... I see.”

“I told them I’d ask, of course, but it’s really no big deal if you don’t feel up to it.”

“Why would I not feel up to it?”

“Well, it’s just- it’s kind of a big step, meeting each other’s friends.” Jim clears his throat. “Usually it’s a prelude to meeting each other’s parents, but, well, we’re kind of mixed up on that particular step.”

“You have yet to meet my father, and I have yet to meet either of your parents in person,” Spock points out. 

Jim shrugs.

“Semantics. Anyway, since we’ve got the opportunity, I figure you can meet my friends now, and I can meet your friends later.”

Spock blinks at him.

“You knew Gaila before I did, Jim.”

“Well, yes, but I mean your other friends.”

“... ah. No, that will be unnecessary- there is no one else to meet.”

Now it’s Jim’s turn to blink.

“Uh, what?”

“I have no pre-existing friends to speak of.”

“What, none at all? Didn’t you ever spend time with your coworkers in the VEG or at the VSA?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I’m sure I’ve told you before that I have little experience navigating friendships.”

“Well, yes, but I- I suppose I just thought that meant the more… non-Vulcan version of friendship.”

Spock frowns.

“As I have said before, such a thing is not typical amongst Vulcans.” He shifts uncomfortably. “And even if it were, I doubt I would have found much success. I was never exactly… popular with my peers.”

Something in Jim squeezes; he reaches, rubbing Spock’s arm gently.

“And what about when you got here?” He asks. “Didn’t you want to try out having friends?”

“I did. I have become friends with you and Gaila, and I consider myself to be at least on friendly terms with Carol.”

“I meant independent of me,” Jim explains. “It could be good to expand your horizons a little.”

Spock purses his lips.

“I will… consider it. For now, however, I am amenable to meeting your friends.”

Jim smiles.

“Glad to hear it,” he says before leaning in for a kiss. “Now, do you want to hear about what happened in the simulations this morning?”

“From your tone, it sounds promising, though perhaps not ideal.”

“Well, considering that I had to explain why we’re not supposed to ram Klingon warbirds with our ships, I’d say it wasn’t ideal…”

---

The restaurant Jim picks out is one that he, Bones, and Gaila had frequented back in their Academy days. It’s not fancy, but it’s nostalgic, and it has solid vegan options, which is both a plus now and back when Gaila tried out veganism during their third year. 

It is, however, partially a bar, something that Jim makes sure to check in with Spock about.

“I know that you didn’t exactly have a great time the last time you were in a bar,” he tells him a few days before Bones and Nyota are set to arrive. “I can pick something else out if it’d be more comfortable.”

Spock shakes his head.

“I believe that knowing what I will likely encounter in a bar setting will make it easier for me to navigate this outing than it was for the party,” he explains. He then hesitates for a moment. “I… would appreciate it if we were able to get a table far from the bar itself, however.”

Jim smiles, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

“I’m sure we can do that. If you need a break, though, you can just say you need to call your sitter and step outside for a minute.”

“Would that be appropriate?”

Jim shrugs.

“At the very least I think Bones’ll get it- he’s got a kid too.”

“Indeed?” 

“Yeah, a daughter named Joanna. She’s almost fourteen now.”Jim smiles. “But if any of them question it, I’ll be sure to cover for you.”

Spock’s eyes soften.

“I appreciate that,” he says before leaning in for a proper kiss.

“Of course. Now, let me tell you a little about them- I don’t want you going in blind or anything…”

---

Jim sees Bones and Nyota standing outside the restaurant just as they pull up to park on the other side of the street. Nyota is explaining something to Bones and holding her hand up, while Bones looks somewhat befuddled. 

Jim grins.

“That’s them over there,” he tells Spock, pointing them out. “Seems they beat us here.”

“We were delayed because of Saavik’s refusal to go to bed,” Spock points out as he unbuckles his seatbelt. 

Jim shrugs.

“Well, they usually get to things before I do anyway, so no harm done.” With that, he gets out of the car, meeting Spock on the other side and walking with him across the street. When they’re close enough, he calls out to them. “Bones! Ny!”

Nyota’s face lights up when she sees him, and Bones grins over at him.

“There you are!” She greets him, walking over and hugging him once they’ve made it onto the sidewalk. “Oh, I’ve missed you!”

“I’ve missed you too,” Jim replies before letting go. Bones walks up to him next, pulling him into a hug. “I’ve even missed your grumpy ass, Bones.”

“Ah, shut up,” Bones says with no heat to his words. He pulls back, eyes falling on Spock. “And this must be Dr. Spock, right?”

“I am,” Spock answers. 

Nyota smiles, holding up a perfect ta’al; out of the corner of his eye, Jim sees Bones begin to make an attempt to do so as well, then grimace and put his hand down.

“It’s wonderful to meet you, Dr. Spock. Jim’s told us a bit about you.”

“He has also told me about the both of you,” Spock replies.

“Oh? Only good things I hope.”

Spock furrows his brow slightly.

“I do not see why he would tell me unpleasant things about you.”

Jim muffles a laugh with a cough.

“It’s a joke, sweetheart.”

“... ah. I see. I apologize.”

Nyota laughs softly.

“That’s quite alright. Now, shall we head in? Gaila messaged me a few minutes ago to say she was running late and to grab a table.”

“Sure thing.”

They manage to get a table far enough from the din of the bar for Spock, which he does look a little bit relieved by. Once their water takes their drink orders, they all settle in. Jim mostly leads the conversation with Nyota and Bones, with Spock only occasionally talking, but so far it seems okay, especially once Gaila arrives.

“Sorry, traffic was really bad near my apartment- they’ve started a new construction project and the whole road is backed up,” she explains. 

“And you’ve never left for something early in your life,” Nyota comments.

Gaila looks mildly affronted, then shrugs.

“Alright, you’ve got me there.”

Jim, Bones, and Nyota all laugh, and even Spock looks mildly amused.

“So, then, Dr. Spock,” Bones starts once things have calmed down, “Jim told us you’re a guest lecturer at the Academy.”

“Yes, for this academic year, though I expect to be offered a full-time position given my department head’s praise.”

“They’d be fools to let you go,” Jim agrees.

“I do believe you may be biased, Jim.”

Jim shrugs.

“I am, but I’m not wrong, am I?”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t argue, and Jim grins at him.

“Anyway, Spock, have you always been a teacher?” Nyota asks.

“I have taught on and off throughout my career, but it is only in the past eighteen months that I have made it my full-time occupation.”

“Really? What were you doing before that?” 

“I was a member of the Vulcan Expeditionary Group. I served onboard various science vessels, mainly traveling in the Alpha quadrant.”

Bones frowns.

“Sounds prestigious. Why’d you quit?”

“I became a father, and I decided that it was more important to provide my daughter with a stable childhood than it was to progress in my career with the VEG.”

Bones’ face softens a little, and Jim smiles.

“Well,” he says quietly, “I suppose I can understand that.

The waiter comes around just then, taking their orders. There’s a loud cheer in the other room, one that makes Spock tense a bit; Jim puts his hand on Spock’s arm, glancing toward the door, but Spock shakes his head and turns towards Nyota.

“Jim has told me that you are musically talented,” Spock says.

Nyota visibly brightens.

“Well, I don’t like to brag-!”

Bones snorts.

“Last time we all were together you made everyone do karaoke.” He gestures at Jim. “My ears still haven’t recovered from this one trying to sing.”

“Hey!” 

“It’s true, though,” Gaila agrees before taking a sip of her drink. “You shouldn’t legally be allowed to sing, Jim.”

“You do have trouble carrying a tune,” Nyota admits.

“Now, why are you all ganging up on me?” 

“I have said nothing regarding the topic, though that is because I have never heard you sing,” Spock replies.

“You should consider yourself lucky,” Bones tells Spock, which makes both Nyota and Gaila laugh. Jim rolls his eyes.

“Anyway, Spock, why did you ask about my singing?” Nyota asks.

“I myself play the Vulcan lyre,” Spock explains.

“Oh, really? I’ve always found that instrument to be so interesting…”

---

By the time their food arrives, Jim’s pretty sure that Spock and Nyota are on their way to being better friends than he is with her. 

“... so, given my knack for languages, Communications felt like the best place for me,” Nyota explains just as the waiter sets her plate in front of her. “Oh, thank you.”

Spock nods at the waiter when his plate is set down.

“Thank you. It sounds as though you have found your calling.”

Nyota smiles.

“I like to think so.”

They all dig into their meals, which ends the conversation for a bit.

“You three have any plans for the upcoming break?” Bones asks after a little while.

“Risa,” Gaila chirps.

“Again? You spent half the summer there,” Jim comments.

“And I would spend my entire life there if I could get the posting,” Gaila retorts, eliciting a laugh from the table- even Spock looks mildly amused.

“What are you two up to, then? Any plans?” Nyota asks.

“Spock and I have discussed taking the kids to the pool,” Jim says. “Though, Saavik and Spock would probably both need swimming lessons.”

“You don’t know how to swim?” Bones asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I was born and raised on a desert planet. There was no need to learn how when I was a child.”

“Sure, but you were a member of the VEG. Didn’t you ever go to any planets with large bodies of water?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“If we needed to test water, we used various instruments to do so from a distance. Besides that, there were other members who did know how to swim if closer observation was necessary.”

“Okay, but what about from a safety perspective? What if you fell into a river?”

“Again, with the instruments such a scenario was highly unlikely.”

Bones huffs.

“Well, I still don’t like it.”

“I will be sure to take that into consideration,” Spock deadpans.

Bones’ eyebrows rise, then snorts.

“Well, at least you’re snarky enough to keep Jim’s head from getting too big.”

“Hey!” Jim protests.

Spock simply smirks a bit.

---

“It was wonderful seeing you again, Jim,” Nyota says as she gives Jim another hug. 

“Great seeing you guys again too,” Jim replies, hugging her back before letting her go. He hugs Bones next. “Call me when you get to Savannah and Homu Bay, alright?”

“What, you don’t want me to check in when you get to Risa?”

“Frankly, Gaila, I expect that you’ll forget I exist right about when you arrive on Risa,” Jim deadpans.

Gaila shrugs.

“Fair enough.”

Nyota chuckles, then turns to Spock.

“It was wonderful meeting you, Dr. Spock.”

“I am pleased to have made your acquaintance as well, Lieutenant Uhura.”

Nyota smiles, then turns as Bones steps forward. He studies Spock for a minute, then nods.

“Yeah, you’re alright.”

Spock blinks, but nods.

“Likewise.”

Jim bites back a chuckle, then says one last farewell to his friends before they all start heading for their cars.

“So, I had a lot of fun,” Jim tells Spock after a minute.

“I too enjoyed myself. I especially enjoyed speaking about music with Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Not so much Bones?” Jim teases.

Spock purses his lips.

“I do not dislike him, but he is,” Spock pauses for a moment, “interesting.”

Jim laughs. 

“Yeah, he’s interesting alright. But he’s been one of my best friends for almost a decade now, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.” He smiles. “But I think he likes you.”

“Indeed?”

“Mm, he only gives me shit in front of people I’m seeing if he likes that person. You should have heard him when I introduced him to Carol.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, then does that little not-shrug of his.

“... I believe I would like to try making friends of my own,” Spock tells him when they get a bit closer to the car.

Jim blinks, then smiles.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I believe such a thing would at least be an interesting endeavor.”

Jim smiles again, then arches up for a quick kiss-!

Which is right when Spock’s comm rings.

“Sitter?” Jim asks.

“No, I am not due to return home for another hour and a half,” Spock says as he pulls his comm out of his pocket. He frowns. “It is my mother.”

“Oh. Is she checking in, do you think?”

“She did so earlier today, where I informed her I would be going out tonight.” Spock glances at him. “Do you mind if I answer her?”

“No, not at all. Go ahead.”

Spock nods, then puts his comm to his ear.

“Mother? Why are you calling me at this hour?” Spock pauses before his eyes go wide. “What?”

Jim frowns, watching as Spock’s expression shifts to what he can only describe as mild horror.

“When?” A pause. “Were you given any information about his current condition?”

Whatever Spock’s mother is saying, it makes Spock’s lips go tight.

“I see. When were you planning on leaving?” A pause. “So that we may go together.”

Another pause. 

“The Academy is not in session this week- I believe it is called ‘spring break.’ I would not be neglecting my job in order to go, and Saavik would not miss any schooling. Now, when are you leaving.” A pause. “Very well. We will meet you in the morning.”

Spock hangs up, looking a little dazed. Jim puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Everything alright?”

Spock glances at him, and Jim’s shocked to see such clear concern in his eyes.

“No. Saavik and I must return to Vulcan tomorrow morning.”

“What? Why?”

Spock takes a breath.

“Because my mother was just contacted by the staff at ShiKahr General Hospital. My father has been admitted following a suspected heart attack.”

Notes:

sorry for the slightly late chapter! had some tax stuff i needed to finish lmao

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 32: change

Notes:

tw: past medical trauma, some medical discussion, near panic attack

The rays of Vulcan’s sun have never felt oppressive on Spock’s skin before. It has always been a bit warm at most, and never to the point of feeling uncomfortable. 

Today, however, the air feels hot- stifling- as he gets out of the rented hovercar parked in the hospital’s garage. His robes are heavy in comparison to the clothes he wears on Earth, a sentiment Saavik appears to share given how she keeps tugging at her clothes.

Were it not to draw too much attention, he would have allowed her to wear whatever she liked. However, he knows that would be controversial, and so he did not.

“Come along, Saavik,” he says, holding out his sleeve for her to grab. Saavik seems unsure, but does as requested, holding on tightly.

“Hopefully it won’t take long to check in,” his mother says, adjusting her scarf slightly. “All that security can be such a hassle.”

“It is often necessary,” Spock reminds her.

“I know, but I don’t have to like it.”

Spock hums, then begins guiding Saavik toward the entrance to the hospital. When they are but a few feet from it, Saavik stops, letting go of Spock’s sleeve. Spock frowns, looking down at her.

“Saavik,” he starts, “you must keep hold of me while we are in a busy place. You know this.”

Saavik doesn’t reply to that, instead keeping her gaze trained on the pavement ahead of her. 

“Saavik?”

Saavik fists her hands in her robes, and Spock immediately kneels down to her eye level.

“Saavik, what is troubling you?”

Saavik looks up at him, brow furrowed and lips thinned. After a moment, she lifts her hands.

I don’t want to go inside.

Spock frowns.

“You do not wish to go into the hospital?”

She shakes her head.

“Saavik, if we do not go into the hospital, we cannot see your grandfather.”

Saavik looks mildly pained, then shakes her head again.

I do not want to go.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” His mother asks. “Why don’t you want to go inside?”

Saavik bites her lip, bunching up her robe in her hands. She looks directly at Spock, and suddenly he is hit with-

Pain, unending pain, lights that are too bright and always in my eyes, needles and medicine and tubes and falling asleep only to wake up somewhere else, alone alone alone-

Spock inhales sharply, then feels a slight ache near his heart. He reaches out to Saavik, cupping her cheek with his hand.

“Saavik,” he starts softly, “we are not here because you need treatment. We are here because your grandfather requires it. The only examination you will undergo will be a tricorder scan before we are admitted into his hospital room- you will not be anyone’s patient today.”

Saavik hesitates, then lifts her hands.

Do you promise?

“I promise.”

She still seems unsure, but nods, taking Spock’s sleeve once he stands up and offers it to her. His mother also offers her sleeve, and Saavik takes that as well.

The receptionist directs them to sit and wait for a moment while they call for a doctor to verify their health status. Saavik directs her attention to a puzzle box near the coffee table, while Spock’s mother directs her attention to the news playing on the holovision.

Spock’s comm buzzes, and he pulls it out of his pocket, a twinge of happiness breaking through his somewhat muted emotional state when he sees it is a notification of a message from Jim.

Jim: I think she likes me.

The picture included is of Jim and Ashaya, though the latter is much more visible- the only part of Jim’s face included in the picture is part of his chin. Ashaya is curled up against his chest, her eyes closed as he scratches behind her ear. Her tongue is partially out of her mouth in the way Spock has come to realize happens when she is particularly content.

Spock’s heart, for lack of a better phrase, skips a beat. His lips threaten to curl up in a smile, and if he were not as disciplined as he is they surely would.

Spock: I am gratified to see that she does not object to your presence.

Jim reacts with a laughing face, then sends another message.

Jim: Just wait, by the time I get back she’ll be demanding to see me all the time.

The corners of Spock’s lips twitch upward at the thought.

(If he also thinks of a scenario where Ashaya could easily see Jim whenever she desires, then it is no one’s business but his own.)

“Saavik,” he calls instead, “Jim has sent a picture of Ashaya. Would you like to see?”

Saavik immediately drops the puzzle box, running over to Spock and holding her hands out to see said picture.

“Is Jim taking care of Ashaya while you’re gone?” His mother asks. 

“He volunteered so I would not have to locate a cat-sitter on short notice. Additionally, as Ashaya already knows him, I believed it would cause her to experience less stress due to our absence.”

“That was quite kind of him.” His mother looks amused. “I think you’ve found yourself quite a keeper, Spock.”

Spock feels his face turn green before he can stop it, clearing his throat and looking away. Before he can say anything, though, a nurse calls out to them, telling them that they’re ready to scan them for any latent contagious illnesses.

They are guided into a room on the ground floor, where each of them are scanned by a tricorder. Saavik’s anxiety spikes when her turn comes, and Spock allows her to hold his hand while she is scanned.

He ignores the disapproval in the nurse’s eyes. 

As expected, all three of them come back negative for anything they could potentially spread to Spock’s father or the other patients. A moment later, they are given the room number, and take the lift up the three floors to the private room. 

Just as they are about to arrive, Spock’s mother falls behind them as they walk down the hallway; Spock pauses, turning to look at her. Her eyes are trained on the floor ahead of her, hands gripping at the strap of her purse.

“Mother?”

She jolts, looking up with wide eyes.

“Mother, is everything alright?”

“I…” His mother smiles. It does not reach her eyes. “I think I’ll use the restroom before I go in, actually.”

Spock frowns.

“Very well. Would you like us to wait for you?”

“No, no, you two go on ahead. I’m sure your father will appreciate the company.”

She turns and walks towards the restroom before Spock can argue. Spock looks down at Saavik, who tilts her head slightly.

“I suppose we will go in without her, then,” Spock says. Saavik frowns, gripping his sleeve. “It will be alright, Saavik. This is one of the best hospitals on this planet.”

Saavik still seems unsure, but nods, turning toward the door. 

Spock takes a breath, then guides her over, only hesitating for half a second before opening the door.

The first thing Spock notices is that his father appears… weak.

It is… highly unsettling. In Spock’s memory, his father has never once looked weak- at most, slightly tired, but never the way he looks now, lying listless and pale in his hospital bed. 

Spock’s stomach churns. He swallows the small lump in his throat.

“Father,” he calls.

His father turns his head slightly, eyebrows rising incrementally.

“Spock.” His gaze turns downward, and his eyes soften. “Hello, Saavik.”

Saavik clutches Spock’s sleeve fractionally tighter, nodding at him. Spock glances down at her, sending comfort through their bond, then guides her into the room. 

“How is your current state?”

“As well as one could expect, given the circumstances,” his father says. “I admit, I did not expect to see either of you here. How did you learn about this?”

“I told them.” 

Spock’s father suddenly inhales, eyes widening as he turns his gaze back to the door. His mother’s body language is strangely tense, shoulders squared and lips pressed in a line.

“Amanda,” his father says quietly. “You came.”

“Of course I did,” she says, walking over to his bedside. “I had to.”

His father doesn’t respond, seeming… almost stunned at this turn of events. 

Spock furrows his brow.

“Has something-?”

“Oh, good, you must be the ambassador’s family.”

Spock looks up, blinking when he sees a Human man in scrubs standing in the doorway.

“Are you the doctor?” His mother asks.

“Indeed I am. I’m Dr. M’Benga, I’m the lead on Ambassador Sarek’s care,” he explains as he walks into the room. “I was just coming in to discuss our treatment plan with him.”

“I still believe it is best that we schedule the surgery,” Spock’s father says.

“Surgery?” Spock asks.

“He has a malfunction in one of his heart valves. There are medications that can be prescribed to treat it, but he will very likely need surgery eventually given your family history. However, we generally prefer to take the medication approach first.”

“Sarek, you should at least try the medicine,” Spock’s mother says.

“Given that surgery is inevitable, I would prefer to go through it now rather than risk having to give up my career so as to not be off planet when it becomes necessary.”

His mother frowns, her expression turning pinched. Spock turns back to M’Benga. 

“What exactly does this surgery entail?”

“At the moment, it looks like a full replacement will eventually be necessary. It’s somewhat complicated, and does come with some risk-!”

Saavik lets out a small whine, the full brunt of her distress hitting Spock through their bond. He looks down at her, heart aching at the sight of her lip wobbling, and he moves his hand to the top of her head.

“May I?” M’Benga asks. Spock purses his lips, then nods, watching as he kneels down to her eye level. 

“Your name is Saavik, right? Your grandfather has told me a little about you.”

Saavik hesitates, then nods.

“You’re worried about him, right?”

Saavik nods again.

“I understand that. I’m not going to tell you that this isn’t something to worry about, because it is. However, your grandfather is very strong, and otherwise healthy. This is also one of the best hospitals in the quadrant, especially regarding heart health. There’s a lot we can do to help him, and we’re going to do everything we can to make sure that he gets to go home as soon as possible.” M’Benga smiles at her. “And you know what? I’ll bet that having you around is already helping your grandfather feel a little better.”

Spock feels a bit of joy and pride from Saavik’s end of the bond; when he looks down at her, he sees that she is smiling. M’Benga smiles again, then stands up. 

“Now, Ambassador, I recognize that you would prefer to get the surgery out of the way, but it’s policy to try medicinal intervention where possible when it comes to heart conditions.”

Spock’s father raises an eyebrow.

“It is hospital policy to delay the inevitable?”

“It’s still possible you won’t need surgery if the medicine helps, it’s just not as likely as it would have been had we caught this condition a bit earlier.”

“How would we have caught this sooner?” Spock’s mother asks.

“At the moment, it appears his condition was exacerbated by a great deal of stress.”

Spock’s mother looks stricken, lips parting and eyes going wide.

“I have perhaps been working too hard,” Spock’s father says quickly- too quickly. “But stress is inevitable with my line of work.”

“You could still perhaps stand to reduce your stress levels,” M’Benga argues. 

“I… I have to agree with that,” Spock’s mother says quietly.

After a moment, his father sighs.

“I simply wish to take the course of action that will change my life as little as possible.”

“I’m afraid it’s not going to be that easy,” M’Benga says. “Change is inevitable in some situations, and this might be one of them.”

Spock’s father’s eyes flicker over to his mother.

“I suppose so.”

Spock frowns, but before he can say anything, his father closes his eyes.

“I find myself fatigued. Would it be possible to continue this conversation at another time?”

M’Benga nods. 

“Alright, I’ll let you rest.”

“So will we,” Spock’s mother says. His father opens his eyes and mouth, then closes the latter.

“Very well,” he says after a moment. Saavik runs up to his bedside, and his eyes soften as he places a hand on her head. “Be well, Saavikam.”

Saavik nods seriously, and if Spock did not know better he’d think the corners of his father’s lips twitch upward. He looks up at Spock. 

“Be well, Spock.”

“As should you,” Spock replies. It feels… insufficient, but he does not know what else to say.

Spock’s father turns his gaze to his mother, his expression unreadable even by his own standards. Wordlessly, he holds out two fingers.

His mother’s expression wavers, but she presses two fingers to his, for a much shorter period than usual.

“Come along,” she says, ushering Spock and Saavik out of the room. “Let him rest.”

Spock glances over his shoulder at his father once more.

If he did not know better, he would think he looked… sad.

---

Hours later, Spock wakes in the dark. 

He glances at the chronometer. It is exactly 3:00 AM, when he normally awakens to do some work between sleep and meditation.

He sits up, stretching a bit before swinging his legs to get out of bed and pad over to the hallway.

As always, he ignores the two bedrooms between his and the bathroom. As far as he is concerned, they are locked, empty, and forever will be.

He will not think about them.

When he is done with the bathroom, he begins heading back toward his bedroom, only to find his attention stolen away by strange shadows at the end of the hall. He frowns, walking down the hall and down the stairs. He follows the shadows into the living room, where he is surprised to see that the holovision is still on. 

It had not been on when he went to bed. 

He turns, eyebrows rising when he sees his mother lying on the couch, fast asleep. There is an opened bottle of wine and a half-full glass on the coffee table.

None of those things were there when he went to bed either.

He frowns, then sets about cleaning up, putting away the wine and washing the glass in the kitchen. Once that’s done, he returns to the living room, turning the holovision off before turning back to his mother. 

It is not unlike her to fall asleep while watching a program. It has become a habit as she has gotten older- his father has, for lack of a better word, teased her about it before.

Spock suspects that her back pain may have something to do with that habit.

He sighs, then, as gently as possible, picks his mother up from the couch. If he can avoid her being in pain, he will do so. 

Spock carries her back up the stairs, past his own room and the two rooms he ignores, past Saavik’s bedroom until he reaches the master bedroom at the end of the hall. 

He places her in her bed, tucking her in as she once did for him when he was small. When he is satisfied that she is comfortable, he turns away, only for his eye to catch on something on the dresser. He frowns, walking over to the dresser to see what it is- a note, as it turns out. Curious, he picks it up.

Sarek-

I’m sorry. I need time.

- Amanda

Spock’s blood turns cold. His hands tremble as he quickly puts the note back, taking a single step back to get away from it.

Something hits his heel. He turns, furrowing his brow before bending over to pick the item up.

When he pulls it up into the starlight, his stomach drops. 

His mother’s vokaya crystal necklace. 

His mother’s necklace was on the floor. 

It was on the floor, as if someone had dropped it when they- they-

Spock turns, putting the necklace back on the dresser before quickly walking out of his parents’ bedroom. His heart races in his side as he rushes to his own room, the halls of his childhood home suddenly cold despite him knowing for a fact that the internal temperature has been set to seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit. 

He closes the door behind him once he has arrived in his room. Tries to take a breath, then another, then another, and it is not enough, not enough, there is not enough air in the room and-

No.

“I am a Vulcan,” he reminds himself, his voice strained, “I am a Vulcan.”

His chest aches, but he forces himself to breathe, forces his lungs to expand and contract at the correct rate despite the pain.

“Panic is- is a thing of the mind,” he reminds himself. “The mind… controls the body.”

He is fine.

He is fine.

He is fine, and he will not allow it to happen again.

Slowly, the ache recedes, the fear clouding his mind slipping away. His legs are weak- too week to keep him standing, as it turns out, as he slides against the door until he finds himself sat on the floor.

Spock swallows. He stares into the dark for five, ten, fifteen minutes. 

Finally, he rises and returns to the bed. He sits down, staring into the dark again, then grabs his comm.

It is 3:13 AM. Currently 5:13 PM in San Francisco.

Spock bites his lip, then opens up the messaging app and taps on his thread with Jim.

Spock: May I ask you something?

Moments later, a message from Jim appears.

Jim: Isn’t it three in the morning there? Are you okay?

Spock: I require less sleep per night than you do.

Jim: Alright, if you say so. What do you need?

Spock: How did you and Carol approach telling David about your divorce?

Jim doesn’t respond immediately. Spock is just about to message him again when his comm rings, Jim’s picture appearing on the display. He frowns, accepting the call.

“Jim?”

“Um, hey,” Jim says just as a door closes on the other end. There is a slight tremor to his voice. “Is… is there something you want to talk about?”

Spock blinks before his eyes widen slightly.

“Ah. My question had nothing to do with our relationship, Jim.”

Jim exhales on the other end.

“Oh, thank god.” 

“I apologize, I did not realize how that question would come across.”

Jim laughs softly.

“I can see that. What was it about, then?”

Spock hesitates for a moment.

“I… believe my mother may have left my father prior to his heart attack.”

The words are thick and strange on his tongue, almost as if they are a foreign language. 

“What? Why would you think that?”

“She has been evasive whenever I have asked her about my father or, previously, her plans to return to Vulcan. Today, when we were nearly at the door to my father’s hospital room, she suddenly chose to go to the bathroom instead of walking in with Saavik and I, and the interactions between my parents were much more stilted than usual.” Spock grips at his pants leg. “Additionally, I… she fell asleep on the sofa, which she has previously complained causes her back pain. I carried her up to my parents’ bedroom, where I found a note from her telling him that she needed time, and…”

Spock takes a breath.

“I found her vokaya crystal necklace on the floor. I believe my father may have dropped it while reading the note.”

“And the necklace is…?”

“It is roughly equivalent to an engagement ring.”

Jim sucks in a breath on the other end of the line.

“Shit. Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

Spock swallows the lump in his throat, forcing his emotions back.

“That is why I need to know how you told David. I do not- I do not know how to speak to a child about this, and you and Carol are the only people I know who have, though it seems inappropriate to call her about this. Additionally, Saavik has been distressed about my father’s health, and I do not wish to add to her stress if possible-!”

“Spock, honey,” Jim interrupts in a gentle voice, “you need to slow down a little. Take a deep breath.”

Spock does so, something in his throat relaxing.

“I… I apologize. This is difficult.”

“Of course. But, um… Spock, is it okay if I speak freely here?”

Spock frowns.

“I do not see why you wouldn’t.”

“Okay, well, I- Spock, I think you’re trying to avoid thinking about this.”

Spock’s frown deepens.

“I am putting off thinking about it by attempting to formulate a plan to tell Saavik about it?”

“I mean that you’re putting off processing it as your parents’ son by trying to handle it as Saavik’s father. You haven’t said anything about how you feel about this, just how you’re worried she’ll react.”

“I am Saavik’s father first and foremost. Her well-being is my priority.”

“I’m not saying that it shouldn’t be, I’m saying that you need to let yourself process this too. How do you feel?”

Spock hesitates, then shakes his head.

“I am fine. My priority is Saavik- she is already emotionally shaken from the events of the past few days.”

“Spock…” After a moment, Jim sighs. “Okay, well, I guess the first thing is to not jump the gun here. Even if your parents are separated, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re going to get a divorce. When Carol and I separated, we still had some hope that we’d be able to reconcile- wasn’t the case for us, obviously, but sometimes people do manage to make it work.”

“Is it not the case that the majority of separations lead to divorce?”

“Er, well… it is, but…” Jim hesitates. “Look, I- I think maybe you should just take a minute here.”

Spock swallows back a huff.

“I do not need to-!”

“I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about not unnecessarily stressing out Saavik. You said this whole thing was already hard for her, telling her that her grandparents are separating will only make things worse. Give everything a moment to breathe, and figure something out with your parents- do you think they should help you tell her, by the way?”

Spock allows himself a grimace.

“I am uncertain. My father’s health may be delicate for the foreseeable future, and I do not want to put them in a difficult position.”

“They’re putting you in one, aren’t they?”

“Technically they have not. Neither of them are currently even aware that I know.”

Jim huffs on the other end.

“Well, yeah, but…” After a moment, Jim sighs. “I guess I’m just feeling a little protective.”

“They are my parents, Jim,” Spock reminds him, even as something within him is oddly touched.

“And I’m your boyfriend, I’m allowed to be a little protective, aren’t I?”

Despite everything, Spock’s lips twitch upward.

“I suppose.” He sighs. “Perhaps you are right. I should at least try to gather more information before I tell Saavik.”

“I’m really sorry, honey.” Jim is quiet for a moment. “I wish…”

He trails off, and Spock frowns. 

“You wish…?”

“... nothing, don’t worry about it. Call me when you find out more, okay?”

“I will. Good evening, Jim.”

Jim chuckles softly.

“Good morning, Spock.”

Spock ends the call, then sighs softly, moving to sit up in his bed properly. Just as he grabs his PADD to begin working, however, the door to his room opens. Spock lifts his head, and his eyes make out a small figure in the dark.

“Saavik?” He calls softly. “Are you alright?”

Saavik sniffs, and an image of her lying next to Spock in his bed appears through the bond. 

“Come here,” he tells her without hesitation. He sits up as she runs over to his bedside, then picks her up. He expects her to allow him to set her down, but instead she clings to him, burying her face in his shoulder. “What troubles you?”

She sniffs again. An image of the bed he put her in just hours ago appears in his mind.

“Your bed is uncomfortable?”

She shakes her head. A new image appears, this one of her bed back at the apartment on Earth.

“Ah. You miss your bed on Earth.”

She nods, then pauses, then shakes her head.

“That is not it?”

She shakes her head again, and a parade of new images appear in Spock’s mind- Ashaya, the living room of their apartment, the park, Jeremy’s classroom, her normal clothes, some of her friends, and finally, Jim and David.

Spock’s throat tightens.

“I see.” Spock takes a breath, rubbing her back gently. “I understand, Saavik.”

Saavik sniffs, gripping at his sleepshirt, and Spock closes his eyes.

“I would like to return home too.”

Notes:

may have made myself sad writing this. it'll get better, i swear

thank you all so much for 600+ kudos! comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 33: duty

A small hand prods at Spock’s back, pulling him out of his meditative state. He turns, raising an eyebrow at Saavik.

“Yes?”

I am hungry.

Spock inclines his head slightly.

“I see. Your grandmother is not awake?”

The kitchen is empty. I am not allowed in Grandmother and Grandfather’s bedroom, so I do not know if she is awake.

“The kitchen being empty is indicative enough.” Spock turns, extinguishing his incense and firepot. “Give me a moment to dress and I will make breakfast for us.”

Saavik nods, stepping out into the hall. Once Spock is dressed, he joins her, following her down the kitchen. An image of her assisting him in cooking appears in his mind, and Spock considers it.

“You may help wash the fruit,” Spock tells her. Saavik seems pleased by this, running to grab her stepstool.

Spock opens the refrigerator, frowning when he finds it mostly bare. There is enough for a single breakfast shared between two adults and a child, but no more than that.

“We will have to go to the store after we eat,” Spock muses. 

Saavik hums.

Can we get tomatoes?

“I am uncertain if this store carries tomatoes,” Spock replies.

Saavik deflates slightly.

“However, I am sure your grandmother is still growing them in her garden,” he says quickly. Saavik immediately perks up, and Spock allows himself a small smile as he picks up the savas dukal-yel-travek remaining in the refrigerator. 

“We will have to get more of these,” Spock notes to himself. “Your grandfather will be pleased if there is more when he returns home.”

Saavik agrees, then takes the fruit from him, carefully bringing it over to the sink. Spock helps her wash the fruit, then takes it over to the counter. Saavik follows him, tugging at his sleeve once he stops.

“Yes?”

May I watch Meii’shi on the holovision while you cook?

Spock considers this, then nods.

“You may watch until I am done cooking.”

Saavik brightens, then runs over to the living room. Spock follows her, sets up her show, then returns to making breakfast. 

His mother does not come down for breakfast. Saavik seems somewhat concerned as she sits down for breakfast.

Should we wake her?

Spock hesitates, then shakes his head.

“I am sure she is tired from the journey and the events of yesterday. We should let her rest.”

Saavik seems unsure, but nods.

When they are done eating and the kitchen has been cleaned, Spock wraps up his mother’s plate, leaving a note next to it explaining where they have gone. 

“Now, you must get dressed.”

Saavik nods, running up towards her room.

Spock glances back at the plate, then follows her.

---

“Saavik, do not pull on your robes,” Spock chastises lightly as they enter the store. 

Saavik frowns.

I do not like them.

“I am aware, but you must wear them.”

I like my own clothes, not these.

Spock inhales, then exhales.

“If you stop pulling at them,” he tells her, “then you may change into those clothes when we return to your grandparents’ house after we visit your grandfather at the hospital later today.”

Saavik seems pleased by this, and stops pulling at her clothes. Spock resists the urge to sigh, instead taking a cart- the least Spock can do is give his parents a full kitchen before they return to Earth.

Assuming, of course, that his mother stays.

Spock’s lips twitch into a grimace, and he closes his eyes, exhaling slowly. He feels a tug on his sleeve, and he looks down to see a concerned Saavik.

“I am alright,” he tells her. “I am simply tired.”

Saavik seems unconvinced, but doesn’t push, instead pointing at the produce aisle. A certain fruit appears in Spock’s mind, and he nods.

“I believe your grandfather would like to have savas dukal-yel-travek when he returns home, yes.” He places her in the cart, then begins pushing it toward the produce section. When they arrive, Saavik turns her attention to a section a few feet away, then turns back to him and begins to sign.

May I get pla-savas? I want to make prusah kisan with Grandmother.

Spock considers this, then nods. 

“I will pick them up in a moment.”

Saavik shakes her head.

I want to pick them.

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Do you know how to pick fruit?”

You have to look for bruises and things. That is what Meii’shi’s dad did.

Spock purses his lips, then nods, stopping the cart and picking her up. He follows her over to the display, monitoring her as she looks at the fruits- or at least, the ones that are at her eye level.

After a moment, she points at a fruit, and Spock dutifully retrieves it. They repeat the process twice more, and Spock finds a bag for them before putting them in the cart. When he turns to put Saavik back in, however, she shakes her head.

I want to walk around.

Spock tilts his head.

“Very well, but when we leave the produce section you must return to the cart. I do not wish to lose you.”

Saavik seems less than pleased by this compromise, but nods. Spock drives the cart towards the savas dukal-yel-travek display slowly, so as to not force her to run to keep up.

“You may pick which ones of these we purchase, if you like.

Saavik shakes her head.

They are for Grandfather. I do not like them.

“His fondness for them is indeed strange,” Spock agrees as he picks one of the fruits up, inspecting it for signs of rot or bruises.

“Spock?”

Spock freezes, losing his grip on the fruit . Saavik manages to catch it, holding it up to him.

“Thank you, Saavik,” he tells her. He takes a breath, then turns toward the source of his shock. “... Hello, T’Pring.”

T’Pring looks much the same as she always has- her hair is still long, dark, and intricately braided, her makeup is fashionable but subtle, and she has the same general neutrality that Spock admired so much when they were young.

She is the same as she always is, save for the small swell of her stomach.

“I did not know that you had returned to Vulcan,” she says. 

“It is temporary,” Spock replies. “A family event.”

He knows she knows that he is being purposely vague- while his father’s condition will not be publicized, she has known him long enough to know that a mere ‘family event’ rarely would be enough to bring him back to Vulcan.

Especially now, when he only lives there in the nominal sense of the word.

“I see.” Her eyes drift downward, and he senses some nervousness from Saavik. “And this is…”

“My daughter, Saavik.”

T’Pring’s perfect neutrality falters almost imperceptibly for approximately half a second.

“I see.” She looks down. “Hello, Saavik.”

Saavik hesitates, then waves before ducking behind Spock’s legs.

“She is a quiet child,” T’Pring notes.

“She is.” Spock agrees.

He has little doubt that she knows of Saavik’s non-verbality. Such things rarely remain a secret in their social class. 

He is, however, glad that she is tactful enough not to bring it up.

“Do you plan to return to Earth soon?” She asks.

“Yes, likely within the week. Starfleet Academy is currently on a week-long break, so my presence will not be required until then.”

“Has that gone well?”

“I expect I will be offered a full time position at the end of the semester.”

T’Pring nods.

“That would be a suitable position for you.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Clarify.”

“I only mean that you always seemed more content to be off Vulcan than on it, Spock,” she tells him. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

Spock regards her for a moment, then nods.

“I suppose that is an accurate statement. Whereas you were content to be here.”

T’Pring inclines her head slightly. 

“That too is accurate.” She turns to the fruit, inspecting the display for a moment before selecting one and putting it in her handbasket. “I must return to my shopping. It was… pleasant, to see you again.”

“It was also pleasant to see you,” Spock replies. It is a true enough statement. He holds up the ta’al. “Live long and prosper, T’Pring.”

She nods, holding up a ta’al of her own. 

“Peace and long life, Spock.”

With that, she turns away, leaving Spock’s life as gracefully as she did eighteen months ago.

Spock stares after her for a moment, then turns back to Saavik. She looks up at him, brow furrowed.

Who was that?

“Someone I knew when I was younger.” Again, a true enough statement. “What else do you think we should get for your grandparents?”

As expected, the distraction works, though Saavik immediately launches into trying to convince him to buy le-sum-krim for a dessert.

Perhaps he lets himself be convinced- after all, they are all going through a difficult time.

---

Spock’s mother is sitting at the kitchen table when they return home, head propped up by her elbow as she absently eats the breakfast Spock left her.

“Good morning,” Spock greets as they walk into the kitchen. 

His mother’s head jerks up, eyes wide for a moment before she schools her expression into a pleasant smile.

“Oh, good morning. I- I didn’t expect you two to be back so quickly.”

His mother looks exhausted. It is not unexpected, given the situation and the fact that she drank a not inconsiderable amount of wine the previous night. 

“The store was not overly busy at this time of day,” Spock says instead of bringing that up. “It made the trip much more expedient.”

“Oh, well, that’s- that’s good, I suppose.” She takes a small bite of her kreila, then clears her throat. “What did you get?”

“Mostly food that I recall you and Father enjoying when I was younger, as well as some other fruits and le-sum-krim.”

His mother raises an eyebrow.

“I suppose that was Saavik’s idea?”

“She is a very intelligent child,” Spock replies as he begins sorting through the groceries to put them away. 

His mother laughs, shaking her head.

“Well, I won’t say no to that.” She smiles more when Saavik walks up to her. “Did anything interesting happen at the store?”

Spock falters for a moment as he puts the vegetables in the refrigerator.

“We… we saw T’Pring.”

“T- oh. Erm. How- how is she?”

“She is pregnant,” Spock says.

His mother blinks, then, as if seeming to recall she should be surprised, her eyes widen.

“Oh, she is?”

Spock resists the urge to sigh.

“Mother, please.”

She glances away.

“She got married about six months after you left,” his mother says quietly. “A fellow named Stonn, apparently they work together.”

“I see.”

“I’m sure she wasn’t seeing him when you two were-!”

“If she was, it would not matter. We did not ask for loyalty from each other save for a period shortly before I adopted Saavik.”

His mother purses her lips.

“I… I suppose so.” She hesitates. “Are… are you alright?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“If you are asking if this has had a negative emotional impact on me, then the answer is no. We were only briefly involved with each other, and that was more of a nominal relationship than a real one. I suspect it would not have been successful even if I did not choose to adopt Saavik.” He turns back to the groceries, pulling out a small box of tea. “What did surprise me is that she so quickly became pregnant after ending our betrothal, considering what reason she gave for ending it.”

“Well, it’s- it’s been a while since you two split up. Perhaps she just changed her mind.”

“Perhaps,” Spock replies. 

He does not tell her that T’Pring had spoken about wanting children soon after their marriage. He sees no reason to complicate matters further.

Her choice is her choice. Spock respects her for making it, regardless of what others may think.

“When would you like to go see Father today?” Spock asks, changing the subject.

“Oh, I was thinking some time around lunch? We could eat before we see him…”

They chat amiably as Spock finishes putting away the groceries; at some point, Saavik wanders off to go draw in the living room, leaving Spock alone with his mother.

Not entirely a position he wants to be in at the moment.

“The food I purchased for you today will likely last the week at least,” Spock tells her. “If you need more before I leave, I will go get it.”

“Oh, that’s not really necessary, sweetheart. Actually, I should reimburse you.”

“That is also unnecessary.”

His mother gives him a look that he has seen many times throughout his life: the one that indicates her belief that he is being stubborn.

“Spock, if a friend went and bought groceries for me, I’d reimburse them. You being my son doesn’t mean you need to take on financial burdens for me.”

“It is hardly a burden-!”

“Spock.”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“Very well, if that will please you.”

“It will,” she says as she walks into the kitchen. “Thank you for doing this.”

She pulls him down, kissing his cheek, and Spock decides against complaining given the events of the past few days.

They do not speak for a moment. His mother looks away, wrings her hands, then takes a breath.

“Spock,” she begins softly, “I’m sure you- you saw the note, didn’t you?”

Spock’s stomach turns.

“I…” 

Every question he has had about the situation between his parents suddenly sticks in his throat; what happened and how could this happen and I thought you loved each other block his airway, threatening to suffocate him as his heart begins to pound.

“I… I know this must all be so confusing for you,” his mother starts. “Believe me, it hasn’t been a cakewalk for me either. And I was going to tell you, I promise, but I just… I didn’t know how to-!”

“We should get ready,” he hears himself interrupt.

His mother blinks, looking up at him.

“Ready? Ready for what?”

“To go to the hospital. Father would appreciate the company.”

“I- well, I’m sure he would, but-!”

“If you will excuse me, Mother, I must get Saavik ready to go.”

He walks past her without waiting for a response.

---

Saavik insists on bringing drawings she made to the hospital, which means that they are seen by the security guard while she is checking Spock’s bag. 

The guard glances up at him, then looks away. Spock chooses to ignore it.

His father, at least, is slightly more enthusiastic about the artwork.

“You have improved greatly since the last time I saw your artwork,” he says as he looks at a drawing that Saavik declared was of him. “Your grasp on anatomy, for example, is more developed now.”

Saavik beams, then frowns.

Drawing hands is hard though.

“I am sure that too will become easier with practice,” his father replies. “May I keep this, Saavik?”

She nods, and his father reaches over, touching the top of her head gently. He then looks up at Spock.

“When you and Saavik return home this summer, you could perhaps find an art class for her.”

Spock pauses, raising an eyebrow.

“We will return home long before summer. I need to be back in San Francisco before the break ends next week.”

His father tilts his head slightly.

“I meant when you return to Vulcan, Spock.”

Spock freezes, shifting in his chair and looking away.

“... you are planning to return to Vulcan, are you not?”

Spock clears his throat.

“My department head at Starfleet Academy has indicated that it is likely I will be offered a full-time position at the end of the school year.”

“You already have a full-time position at the Vulcan Science Academy,” his father argues.

“I am aware of that, Father, but I see no harm in considering all of my options.”

“You have a child to consider, Spock.”

Spock jerks his head slightly, then narrows his eyes. 

“I am considering my child. She has thrived on Earth, which I told you when you came to visit some months ago.”

“That is all well and good, Spock, but think about her future education. Even the best schools on Earth hardly compare to the Learning Center.”

“I am more than capable of supplementing her education if necessary.”

“But for how long? You have your work- and how long will you be satisfied with that? Surely instructing Starfleet cadets cannot provide the challenge that instructing the next generation of Vulcan’s scientific community can.”

“I am very satisfied with my position at the Academy. The courses there are not as rigorous, no, but the students I teach are excited to learn. I take pride in the work I do.”

His father thins his lips. 

“Spock, you are a member of the House of Surak. Your place is on Vulcan, or working elsewhere to better Vulcan, as I have done and as my father did.”

Despite his best efforts, anger flares hot in Spock’s gut.

“My place, Father, is up to me to determine. I am not a child, and I have not been one for nearly half my life now.”

“Your duty-!”

“My duty is to my daughter above all else,” Spock interrupts, nearly snapping at him now. “But perhaps that is not something you can understand.”

Regret strikes him the moment those words leave his lips. His mother gasps, covering her mouth. Something Spock can only label hurt flashes across his father’s face, though only for a split second; the more telling factor is that his heartbeat monitor spikes upward.

An apology bubbles up in his throat, but Spock swallows it, clenching his fist behind his back.

After a moment, his father takes a breath.

“Spock-!”

“Sarek,” his mother interrupts, “enough.”

His father turns to look at his mother, who simply holds his gaze before her eyes flicker back up to Spock.

For a moment, he thinks there might be some guilt in her eyes.

“Spock,” she says, “why don’t you and Saavik go for a walk, get a little air?”

Spock clenches his jaw, but nods, looking down at Saavik.

“Would you like to go on a walk, Saavik?”

Saavik hesitates, looking between Spock and his father.

“Go on a walk with your father,” Spock’s father says. “We will be here when you return.”

Saavik still seems uncertain, but nods, walking over and taking hold of Spock’s wrist. 

As they leave the room, Spock has the urge to look back.

He does not.

Notes:

someday i'm gonna write something substantial with spock and t'pring

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 34: truth

The walk around the courtyard does, in the end, help settle Spock somewhat. His emotional state is less turbulent, at least on the surface, helped by the fact that Saavik asks many questions about the flora contained within the courtyard.

Although it quickly becomes apparent she has an ulterior motive after the third time she delays returning to the room to identify a flower.

“Saavik,” he says after a moment, “I know what you are doing.”

Saavik winces, then tries to appear innocent as she raises her hands.

You told me asking questions about things is how we learn.

“I am not talking about you attempting to learn, though I am pleased by your diligence. I am talking about your attempt to distract me and delay our return to your grandfather’s hospital room.”

Saavik winces again, dropping her hands. Her gaze goes down to the sandstone path below their feet, and Spock suppresses a sigh before kneeling down to her eye level.

“Saavik, you recognize that it is not your duty to keep me from being displeased with things outside of your control, correct?”

Saavik kicks at the ground. After a moment, she raises her hands.

I do not want you to be unhappy.

Something in Spock melts at that, but he shakes his head.

“I appreciate that, but as I said, it is not your responsibility. You are my child, it is my duty to care for and comfort you.”

I don’t want you and Grandfather to fight either.

Spock breathes in, then out.

“That is not something that you should worry about, Saavik. Your grandfather and I will handle this between ourselves.”

Will you make up soon?

Spock hesitates, then takes a breath.

“That is dependent on many factors, which, as I have said, are not for you to worry about.” He rises to his feet. “Now, come along. We should return to your grandparents.”

Saavik seems uncertain, but takes hold of his wrist, allowing him to guide her back into the hospital.

They are both quiet on the lift ride back up. Spock feels Saavik’s nervousness about him and his father meeting again, and he sends reassurance through the bond while blocking her from feeling his guilt.

Even then, that nervousness spikes when they exit the lift.

“It will be alright,” he murmurs.

Saavik simply grips his wrist tighter.

“Oh, there you two are.”

Spock turns to see M’Benga a few feet away, PADD in hand. M’Benga smiles at him.

“Your mother told me that you and your daughter went on a walk when I checked in on the ambassador a few minutes ago. Did the little one need a minute?”

“Something like that,” Spock replies. He sees no reason to drag a doctor he doesn’t know well into his family’s issues.

“Well, it’s good to take a minute when you need it, especially here. Though it did mean you missed the good news.”

Spock inclines his head slightly.

“That is?”

“Your father has agreed to try the medicinal approach before going straight to surgery. We’ll be able to release him tomorrow.”

Despite everything, something like relief curls in Spock’s stomach.

“That is indeed good news. I am curious how you managed to convince him.”

“I didn’t. I entered the room to talk to him about it, and he stopped me and said he’d decided to give it a shot.”

Spock frowns.

“That… sounds unlike him.”

M’Benga chuckles.

“Your mother seemed surprised too. Whatever the case, though, I’m glad that he’s changed his mind.”

“As am I.” Spock looks down at Saavik, then back up at M’Benga. “I would like to thank you, doctor.”

M’Benga seems surprised.

“For what?”

“For helping to comfort my daughter,” Spock tells him. “Hospitals are… difficult for her, and she is very attached to my father. I have been concerned about mitigating her stress levels.”

M’Benga smiles.

“I understand. I’ve been through the same thing with my daughter- she was in and out of the hospital as a small child.” He chuckles. “Now she’s sixteen and loves dirt-biking. Go figure.”

Spock suppresses a wince.

“I should hope that Saavik does not endeavor to engage in such activities.”

M’Benga chuckles, glancing down at Saavik.

“What do you think, Miss Saavik? Does dirt biking sound like fun?”

Saavik makes a sound of consideration.

“No, Saavik.”

Saavik frowns up at him.

“... perhaps when you are older,” he amends.

Saavik looks pleased, and M’Benga chuckles again.

“Well, I’ll let you two get back to your family. Have a good afternoon, Dr. Spock, Miss Saavik.”

Spock nods at him, then leads Saavik over towards the door to his father’s hospital room, which he is surprised to find is slightly ajar.

“... can’t be surprised that he’s upset.”

Spock stops inches away from the doorway, pulling Saavik back before she appears in it.

“He is Vulcan, Amanda. To have such a lapse in emotional control is unbecoming, to say the least.”

“Well I think that little lapse was rather understandable, given that his father was trying to undermine his decisions.”

“His decisions could ultimately be harmful to both himself and our granddaughter.”

His mother heaves out a sigh.

“Sarek, you’re stubborn, but you’re not a fool. You can tell just as well as I can that Saavik has done much better on Earth than she did on Vulcan.”

“I will not deny that Saavik’s condition has improved, but I dispute if that is due to the change in location or simply time.”

“You haven’t seen her at home, Sarek. She’s never so… subdued on Earth.”

“She is Vulcan. ‘Subdued’ is the goal.”

His mother’s reply is too quiet for Spock to hear.

“... what was that?”

After a moment, he hears his mother take a breath.

“I said, she’s not just Vulcan, is she?”

Spock’s eyes widen, and he quickly moves into the doorway, clearing his throat. Both of his parents startle, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“Oh, Spock, Saavik,” his mother says. “How- how was your walk?”

“It was adequate. Saavik asked many questions about the flora in the courtyard.”

“Ah, yes, I’ve always thought they had such lovely flowers there.”

Saavik launches into repeating Spock’s explanation of the flowers they saw, Spock interjecting to correct a few mistakes. 

His parents still seem slightly tense. Their attention is trained on Saavik, occasionally on Spock, but never on each other. 

It makes Spock’s stomach twist uncomfortably. He forces it down.

“Dr. M’Benga informed me that you’ve chosen to try the medicinal approach when I saw him in the hallway,” Spock says when Saavik runs out of facts about the local flora.

“After some consideration, I believe it to be the logical approach. The surgery carries less risk if treated with medication first.”

“I am pleased that you changed your mind.”

His father’s face remains as impassive as ever, but his heartbeat monitor ticks upward slightly. 

“Spock,” he says after a moment, “what you said earlier-!”

“I believe that we should save that discussion for later,” Spock interrupts. “Perhaps when you have been cleared to leave the hospital.”

His father frowns, but nods.

“I see. Very well, but we will discuss it, Spock.”

Spock clutches his fist behind his back.

“I would expect nothing less.”

---

An hour later, Spock, his mother, and Saavik return to the house. Saavik claims that she would like to be alone in her room for a time, which leaves Spock and his mother alone.

Spock would prefer if anything else were the case.

“Spock,” his mother starts. “We should-!”

“Would you like some tea, Mother?” Spock interrupts, moving towards the kitchen before she can answer.

“I- well, I suppose if you’re making some, then yes, but-!”

“Do you still have tea here? I did purchase some when we went to the store earlier, but if you have your own supply then I would prefer to-!”

“Spock.”

Spock suppresses a flinch, slowly turning to face his mother once more.

“You can’t avoid talking to me about it forever,” she says softly.

“... I know,” he admits. 

His mother takes a deep breath.

“Well, go on, then.”

Spock swallows the sudden lump in his throat.

“Are you and Father divorcing?”

His mother winces, swallows, then sighs.

“I don’t know yet, Spock. It’s- I don’t want to, I just… I didn’t know what else to do. I do love your father, but…” She takes a breath. “Things have gotten difficult since you and Saavik moved to Earth.”

Spock frowns.

“Are your current difficulties because of the move?”

His mother looks away.

“I don’t want you to think this is your fault, Spock.”

“You are avoiding the question.”

She grimaces, clutching at the small of her elbow.

“... you’re happy on Earth,” she finally says after a moment. “You and Saavik both. Saavik’s blossomed on Earth in a way I don’t think she would have on Vulcan, and you… Spock, I don’t think I’ve seen you so content since before you started going to school.”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Why would that cause such tension between you and Father?”

His mother takes a breath.

“When you were seven, just before you underwent the kahs-wan for the first time, I… I told your father that I thought we should relocate to Earth for a time.”

Spock’s stomach drops.

“What?”

“Well, you were just- you were miserable, Spock. You were being bullied so badly, and Michael was struggling to assimilate, and… well, Sybok is Sybok, but I thought the experience would have been good for him as well.” She wrings her hands. “Your father was against the idea, of course. It wasn’t the first argument we had about the way we were raising the three of you, but it was… it was bad.”

She takes a breath.

“And then you undertook the kahs-wan, and you seemed set on your path, so I…”

“You conceded,” Spock finishes when she trails off. 

“I thought it was a moot point. That you’d made your choice, and that I’d only be making things worse if I kept pushing for relocation.”

Spock clenches his jaw, taking a breath.

“If I had known there were other options, I might have made different choices,” he says.

His mother winces again, her eyes not meeting his.

“I know, Spock. That’s why- when I saw how much better off you and Saavik both have been since you left, I just…” She finally looks up at him, eyes brimming with tears. “Spock, I’ve felt so guilty for months now, and I can’t- he wouldn’t even listen to me when I brought it up again. He kept saying that it was illogical to dwell on it after all these years, and I just…”

She takes a shaky breath.

“I needed time.”

“If that is all, then why did you leave the necklace?”

His mother winces.

“I… I regret doing that,” she admits. “I thought it would make him understand that I was serious, but I… I never meant for any of this to happen, Spock, you have to believe that.”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“Father’s heart attack was not your fault,” he begins. “It is more likely than not that he would have had one at some point anyway, given the high-stress nature of his position.”

“... but you’re still upset,” his mother intuits. 

Spock folds his arms behind his back, clutching his fist.

“You have told me that at least some of the difficulties I had during my childhood were entirely preventable. How, pray tell, should I react to that?”

His mother winces again.

“Spock, you have to believe that I regret not pushing. I should never have dropped it, even if you did seem to be alright after that first kahs-wan.”

“I believe that you regret it, but I am still displeased. As I said, I believed that there was no other option for me but to take the Vulcan path. I have spent my entire life trying to attain that ideal, trying to mold myself into being what was expected of me, and yet I was still constantly told that I fall short solely for having a Human mother.” Spock takes a breath. “And now I am told that the misery I endured was down to the choice of my parents, to my mother choosing to concede something relating to my welfare because she assumed I didn’t even want the option to choose.”

His mother’s eyes are wet. Guilt wells up in him, but he does not back down.

He cannot.

Instead, he turns away.

“I am going to meditate. Please keep an eye on Saavik for me.”

“Spock,” he hears his mother call as he walks away.

He does not answer her. He simply walks up the stairs as quickly as possible, forcing himself not to slam his bedroom door behind him once he gets inside.

His original plan was to sit on his bed, but he finds himself unable to take one more step once the door is closed, instead sliding down to the floor. He takes deep breaths, angling his face up toward the ceiling.

“Anger is a thing of the mind,” he murmurs. “The mind controls the body.”

Spock repeats that few times until the pain has ebbed, and he no longer feels like tearing apart his bedroom. He sighs, leaning his head back against the door.

Though he does allow himself to swear quietly under his breath. If he gained one thing from being forced to spend time with his cousins in Montreal, it was that.

---

After a while, he does go to meditate. It helps little, but he manages to make it through the rest of the day without incident, though he doesn’t speak to his mother much. 

None of them are very much for conversation for the rest of the day, in fact. Spock puts Saavik to bed in near silence, and does not wish his mother good night before she goes to bed.

Sleep does not come. Instead, he stares at the ceiling for hours, quietly missing the light of Earth’s moon.

He never would have thought he’d miss that. He didn’t think he’d think about it at all. 

His comm buzzes on the side table. Spock blinks, then pulls it out. The notification on screen shows that Jim has sent him a message and a video.

Jim: Someone was excited to see us :) 

Spock presses play on the video, which begins on Spock’s front door. He hears faint meowing from the other side, as well as a light chuckle from Jim as he opens it. Ashaya immediately meows louder upon seeing him, making Jim laugh again.

“Well hey there, missy!”

Ashaya meows again. The camera moves as Jim kneels down, reaching out to pet her. She bumps her head against his paw, purring loudly. Spock hears David giggle.

“Hi, Ashaya! I missed you!”

Ashaya meows in response; the camera follows her over to David, who begins stroking her back gently as she stretches into the touch. The video ends shortly after, and Spock is unsurprised to find himself smiling, if only a little.

He then pauses, hesitating for a moment before sitting up and composing a reply message.

Spock: Are you available to speak? I am having trouble sleeping, and I believe talking to you may help.

Jim’s reply comes a moment later.

Jim: Of course, sweetheart. What is it?

Spock: It is easier to explain verbally. May I call you?

Jim: Sure thing.

Spock presses the call button on his comm, then holds it up to his ear. Jim picks up on the first ring.

“Hey there. Everything alright?”

Something in Spock immediately crumples upon hearing Jim’s voice.

“No,” he admits. “I am not alright.”

“Oh, honey,” Jim says, voice soft. “Hang on a second, okay? David, I’m just gonna go in the other room for a little while.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

Spock hears footsteps on the other line, then a door closing.

“What’s going on?”

Spock takes a breath.

“My father and I had a disagreement earlier. He believes that Saavik and I… that we should return to Vulcan once the school year ends.”

“Ah. And you’re not planning on that, right?” 

Spock suppresses a scoff.

“Of course not. I have made a life for myself on Earth, one that I am loath to give up simply because my father thinks I should. Moreover, Saavik has done well on Earth.” Spock takes a breath. “But he is… persistent. He believes, more than anything, that the proper place to raise Saavik is Vulcan, and I…”

“You disagree.”

“As I said, there has been a marked improvement in her general well-being since we moved to Earth, one that I can see slipping away with every moment we spend here. If I brought her back to Vulcan, I would be doing her a disservice, and that goes against my duty to her as her father.” Spock hesitates. “When I told him as much, though, I… I was unable to stop myself from saying that was something he would not understand.”

“Oh, Spock. Look, we all say things we don’t mean sometimes, especially in the heat of the moment.”

Spock swallows the lump in his throat.

“I did mean it,” Spock admits. “My timing was wholly inappropriate, but I… I did mean what I said.”

“... oh.” He hears Jim shuffle slightly on the other end. “I… how long have you felt this way?”

Spock leans back, resting his head against the headboard.

“I am uncertain. I have… as I have grown older, I have realized that he is a man of principles that he holds to strongly. I have respected him for that, but more recently I have realized that this makes him very resistant to changing his mind.” He shifts on the bed. “Or considering others’ perspective, especially if they are members of his own family. Thus, when I have made different parenting choices with Saavik than he would make, he has questioned me. And while I appreciate the differing perspective, I… I cannot help but wonder if he simply does not respect me as a parent.”

Spock takes a breath.

“Or indeed, as a fellow adult.”

“Spock…” After a moment, Jim sighs. “I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that. I wish you didn’t have to.”

“I too would prefer my relationship with my father to be less fraught.” He takes a breath. “He is not the only reason I have had… difficulties today, however.”

“Ah. Did you talk to your mom about the separation?”

Spock swallows the sudden lump in his throat.

“I did. She told me what happened, and I… I am having trouble processing it,” he admits.

“What did she say?”

“My mother informed me that there was a point, just before I tried to undertake the kahs-wan the first time, that she tried to convince my father to move our family to Earth. She conceded the argument after I underwent the kahs-wan the first time. Seeing Saavik and I both do better on Earth than we have on Vulcan reignited the argument, and that has spiraled to the point that their relationship is in danger.”

He hears Jim breathe in, then out.

“Geez, Spock, that’s… that’s a lot.”

Spock’s lips twitch despite himself.

“Indeed.” He shifts on the bed, wrapping an arm around his legs. “I do not know what to do. Learning that there was a point where at least some of the misery of my youth could have been avoided, but my mother conceded the argument…”

He breathes in, then out.

“I realize that she could only make decisions with the knowledge she had, but I am still…”

“Displeased?”

“Angry,” Spock admits. “It is not logical, but I am.”

“Oh,” Jim says, sounding surprised. Spock suppresses a wince.

“I know that it is… unseemly-!”

“Hey, hey, that’s not what I met. You’ve just never really spoken about your emotions like that before. I wasn’t expecting it. I think it’s pretty understandable that you’re angry- I’m angry on your behalf.”

“You are?”

“Well, yeah. You got dealt a tough hand, and your parents actively chose not to try and make it better when the situation became nearly untenable. I can only give so much leeway.”

Spock allows himself a small smile, then shifts until he is laying back down.

“I cannot help but wish there was an easy solution to this,” he says after a moment.

“Me too. I know I’ve said it already, but I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this on top of your dad being sick.”

“That has not helped,” Spock agrees. “But more than that, I… I believe there is a word for longing to return to one’s home after a long absence?”

“You mean homesickness?”

“Yes. I believe I am rather homesick.”

He hears Jim laugh softly on the other end.

“Well, you won’t have to be there much longer, right? Your return shuttle is in less than a couple days.”

“That is still more than twenty-four hours that I will have to deal with my parents.”

“I know.” Jim sighs. “I wish I could…”

He trails off, and Spock frowns.

“You wish you could what?” He prompts.

“Nothing, nothing.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Are you certain?”

“Yeah, I just-!”

There is a knock at the door at the other end of the line.

“Daaaaaad, Ashaya ripped open a toy and I dunno how to fix it!”

Jim huffs. 

“Okay, sweetie, just a second! Sorry, Spock, duty calls.”

“I understand. I will speak with you tomorrow.”

“Absolutely. Try to get some rest, okay?”

“I will. Good afternoon, Jim.”

“Goodnight, Spock.”

Spock ends the call, then places his comm on the side table, looking up at the ceiling as he settles in to try and sleep.

He is still staring at the ceiling when the sun rises.

Notes:

for the record, future saavik's adrenaline-junkie activity of choice is mountain-climbing. no points for guessing who gets her into that lmao

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 35: drive the wedge, torch the bridge (i don't wanna die in here)

When at long last Spock gives up on sleep, and finds little relief through meditation, he decides the best thing he can do with his time is to once again make breakfast. He walks silently to the kitchen, looking into the refrigerator for a moment before making the decision to prepare plomeek soup. He gathers up the ingredients he needs from the refrigerator and the spice cabinet, then sets them on the counter while he gets a knife and cutting board. 

It takes some time to chop up the various vegetables required by the recipe; he sets aside the key ingredient for last, since they must be peeled before being chopped up. He has only just finished chopping up the second-to-last plomeek when he hears someone enter the kitchen.

His mother smiles at him. It does not reach her eyes.

“Good morning, kan-bu.”

“Mother,” he replies before turning his attention back to the task at hand.

“You’re making plomeek soup.”

“Indeed I am. I awoke early, and thus decided that creating a more time-consuming meal was an efficient use of my time.”

“Mm. Well, I appreciate it.”

“I am sure Saavik will as well. She is fond of the dish.”

“Not as fond as she is of tomato soup, though.”

“That would be an inappropriate meal for the morning.”

His mother goes quiet for a moment.

“I… yes, I suppose so.”

She does not speak again for a time, not until Spock begins cutting up the last plomeek.

“You’re still displeased,” his mother says quietly. “With me, I mean.”

Spock puts down the knife, closes his eyes, and breathes in, then out.

“Mother. You have had twenty-seven years to come to terms with the choice you made for me and the consequences thereof. I have had approximately thirteen hours.” He picks up the knife and continues cutting the plomeek. “I am working to process it, but I need more time than that.”

“I know, I just… I really am sorry, Spock.”

Spock clutches the handle of the knife.

“I know.” That is perhaps part of why it is so painful. “But still, I need time.”

He hears his mother take a somewhat ragged breath.

“I understand.”

Neither of them speak as Spock finishes cutting the plomeek. After a moment, he feels Saavik’s consciousness spark in his mind.

“Saavik is awake,” he tells his mother. “I am certain that she would be pleased to see you.”

His mother smiles softly.

“I’ll go, then.”

She turns, heading for the stairs, and a sudden, strange longing bursts up through Spock’s throat.

“Mother,” he calls before he can stop himself. She turns back, blinking at him.

“Yes, dear?”

Spock hesitates, then clears his throat.

“The soup will be ready in approximately thirty minutes. I would appreciate it if you were able to keep Saavik occupied until then.”

His mother’s expression falters, but she smiles again after a moment.

It does not reach her eyes. 

“I’ll do my best,” she promises before turning and heading up the stairs.

Spock grips the edge of the counter, counting down from ten in French, then Vulcan, then English. 

When his emotional state is once again under control, he returns to preparing the soup.

---

Spock’s father is officially released from the hospital at 11:49 AM. They arrive back at his parents’ property at 12:31 PM, after stopping to pick up the benjisidrine Dr. M’Benga prescribed. At 1:07 PM, several officials from the Vulcan government arrive at their front door and are promptly ushered into his father’s office, where they remain until 4:26 PM. In the meantime, Saavik and Spock’s mother make pla-savas prusah kisan while Spock reads over his lesson plans for next week.

When the door to his father’s study opens, he does not flinch as he once did. He considers that progress.

The government officials leave in relative silence, acknowledging Spock’s mother and ignoring Spock and Saavik. Spock is fine with this, as he has never been particularly fond of any of his father’s colleagues, and Saavik finds most of them intimidating.

“Have you come to a decision about your ambassadorship yet?” His mother asks.

“We will be continuing the conversation at the state building tomorrow,” his father replies. 

“Are you certain that is wise? You did just get out of the hospital, Sarek.”

His father raises an eyebrow.

“I believe I am capable of a simple twenty-minute car ride, my wife.”

His mother seems unconvinced, but says nothing in response. His father’s gaze turns to Spock.

“Spock, I-!”

“Spock, sweetheart, why don’t you and I get started on dinner?” His mother interrupts. “I’m sure Saavik would love to have some time with her grandfather after this whole ordeal.”

Both Spock and his father look over at his mother, but Saavik immediately rushes over to his father’s side, tugging on his sleeve.

“... very well,” his father concedes. “What would you like to do, Saavik?”

Saavik pulls him toward the living room, where no doubt he will either be coerced into drawing with her or watching an episode of Mei’shii.

Spock turns to his mother, eyebrow raised.

“May I inquire what that was about?”

His mother shrugs nonchalantly. 

“Like I said, we need to get started on dinner. I was thinking we could do something a little fancier than usual to celebrate your father coming home, and that could take a while.”

Spock inclines his head to the side, then nods.

“Very well, then.”

He does not quite believe that was the only reason, of course.

But he sees no reason to call his mother out at this particular moment.

---

Dinner goes as well as one could expect given the tension between several parties involved. Saavik, at the very least, seemed oblivious to it all, which is all Spock can ask for; he would prefer that his daughter knows as little about the tension between her family members as possible.

Saavik insists on having the le-sum-krim for dessert. Spock agrees partially as a delay tactic, and partially because he does enjoy that dessert on occasion. 

When that is done, and Spock and his mother have finished the dishes, he tries to move quickly and get started on Saavik’s bedtime routine.

Unfortunately, he is not quick enough.

“Spock,” his father calls, “I would speak to you.”

Spock suppresses a wince, then takes a long, deep breath.

“It does seem somewhat inevitable,” Spock replies before turning to his mother. “Would you mind going through Saavik’s bedtime routine with her?”

“Of course not, sweetheart,” his mother replies. Her eyes flicker over to Spock’s father, and for a brief moment Spock is certain she is giving him a look that Spock himself would not want to be on the receiving end of. She then puts a hand on the back of Saavik’s head. “Say good night to your father, kan-bu.”

Saavik’s eyes shift between Spock and his father, brow pinching in concern. Spock reaches over and touches the top of her head gently.

“It will be alright. Go with your grandmother and sleep well, Saavik. I will see you in the morning.”

Saavik seems unsure, but nods, reaching up to touch the back of Spock’s hand before walking away with Spock’s mother. 

Spock takes a deep breath, then turns toward his father.

“In my office,” his father says before turning away and heading in that direction. Spock follows, trying not to feel like a small child about to be disciplined for misbehavior at school.

Like he was so often in his childhood.

They’re quiet for a moment after the office doors close. Spock breathes in and out steadily to keep himself calm.

“Spock,” his father finally begins, “what is the name of our House?”

“The House of Surak,” Spock answers.

“Exactly. Our line is descended from Surak himself, and therefore we occupy a unique place in Vulcan society. We are granted importance within the government, within the arts and in science.” His father gazes evenly at him. “With that importance comes responsibility.”

Spock bites back a retort about how his father already gave him this lecture when he was ten years old, then a second time when he was seventeen. Instead, he clutches his hand behind his back.

“It is our duty to give back to our homeworld, to our people. For some of us, that means working within the government. For others, it means advancing our race’s breadth of scientific knowledge. And for yet others, the arts are their calling. Whatever the case may be, that is how our line has operated for centuries.”

His father folds his arms behind his back. 

“It is not always an easy path. For some of us, it is even harder. But it is the correct path to take. I took it, as did my father, as did his. I am proud that you have taken it, and I am certain that someday, Saavik will take it too.” His eyes narrow. “But she will not be able to if she remains on Earth. You are depriving her of her best path forward more and more the longer you insist on keeping her off of Vulcan. I acquiesced when you told me that you wished to spend a school year at Starfleet Academy, but now I must insist that you cease this experiment and return home.”

There is a stern look in his eyes, one that makes Spock’s stomach turn involuntarily.

“It is for her, and your, own good.”

Spock closes his eyes and takes a breath to calm himself. After a moment, he opens them.

“I understand your viewpoint,” he states, “but I do not share it. I will not return to Vulcan simply because it is what you think is best.”

Spock’s father’s eyebrow twitches.

“Spock-!”

Spock holds up a hand.

“This is not a discussion,” Spock states. “You have no right to tell me how or where to raise my child. I am around her constantly, and I know what is best for her. That is not being on Vulcan.”

“Spock-!”

“No, Father. I will not be persuaded on this, especially not by you.” Spock takes a breath. “I know that you and Mother are having difficulties.”

His father almost looked shocked.

“She told you.”

“She did not. I found the note she left, as well as her necklace. She did tell me what led to this point, however.”

His father shifts in his chair.

“I see. Then you are displeased with me about that.”

“I am displeased with both of you,” Spock corrects. “I made many choices in my life believing that they were the only option I had. You both deprived me of the opportunity to make an informed decision.”

“You were a child,” his father replies. “We were doing what was best for you.”

“And that was to let me continue to be bullied?” Spock counters. 

“There is no guarantee you would not have been bullied on Earth.”

“Perhaps not, but there was a guarantee that I would be bullied by staying on Vulcan, and that is the option you chose.” Spock clenches his fist. “At this point in time, I am unable to forgive you for that.”

He takes a breath.

“I am aware that I cannot expect myself to be a perfect parent. That one day, Saavik will have her own grievances with me. But I can minimize what the worst thing is, and that is something you and Mother have not done.”

“You will cease this, or-!”

“Or, what, Father? You will disown me as you disowned Sybok?” Spock narrows his eyes. “Or will you simply wait until I stop speaking to you as Michael did?”

The words are sharp, sharper than Spock intends, and he can tell that they cut his father by the way his eyes widen and his lips part. 

Spock’s better self forms an apology immediately.

The part that is angry shoves his head underwater so he cannot say it aloud. 

He will not back down. Not this time.

“Until I adopted Saavik, everything I did was in pursuit of your approval.” He takes a breath. “Being her father has taught me something I should have realized long ago: that your approval means nothing if her well-being is sacrificed for it. “

He clutches his fist.

“That it means nothing if my well-being is sacrificed for it. I was the highest-ranked student throughout my schooling, graduated with honors from the Vulcan Science Academy, worked on countless missions for the Vulcan Expeditionary Group- all seeking your approval.” 

Spock grits his teeth.

“I even cancelled my application to Starfleet Academy, all because you asked me to, and I would have done anything if it meant you’d approve of me.” He glares at his father. “And it still wasn’t enough, was it? You always found something I could improve on, without even recognizing what I’d already accomplished. I have never felt as though you are proud of me, your own son, and I have finally grown tired of trying.”

He takes another breath.

“Whether or not you approve of my choices, Father, I will make them. That is that.”

Before his father can speak again, Spock leaves the room, returning to his bedroom as quickly as possible and ignoring the awful squirming in his gut.

He needs to meditate.

---

An hour or so later, Spock emerges from meditation to a knock on his door. He frowns, putting out his firepot and incense before getting up and walking over to open it.

His mother smiles up at him.

“Mother,” he greets. 

“Hi, sweetheart. May I come in?”

Spock cannot find a good reason for her not to, and thus steps aside, allowing her to walk into his room.

For a moment, they are both quiet.

Then, his mother takes a deep breath.

“Your father and I are discussing going to counseling.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise.

“That is… surprising. I did not think Father would ever agree to something like that.”

His mother smiles softly.

“I think he wants to try and make things work, Spock. And I’m grateful for that.” She takes a step towards him. “I’m grateful to you, too.”

Spock inclines his head.

“For what reason?”

“Well, he told me he wanted to try counseling shortly after you two had your discussion. Now, I don’t know what you said to him, but it seems to have shaken him a little.” She smiles gently. “So thank you for that, Spock.”

Spock nods, then hesitates, taking a breath. 

“Mother, I… I believe there should be some changes when Saavik and I return to Earth.”

His mother’s smile slips off her face.

“How so?”

“Regarding our weekly calls, I believe it would be best to reduce them for a time.”

Her eyes widen.

“What? By how much?”

“It would be better if you were to call only once a month.”

“Once a- once a month? Spock, why?”

Spock clutches his fist behind his back.

“As I have told you several times, I need time. I cannot do that if I am in constant contact with you, which is why I will also no longer participate in the calls myself; rather, I will supervise the conversation between you and Saavik. In six months’ time, I will re-evaluate this plan.”

“Spock…” His mother swallows, clutching her hands together in front of her chest. “Are you… this is really what you want?”

Spock takes a breath.

“It is what I need.”

His mother’s eyes turn shiny, her lips trembling as she takes a shaky breath.

“Alright, Spock, I’ll… if that’s what you think is best.”

She turns away, walking toward the door. She stops in the doorway, looking back at him.

“Good night, kan-bu.”

“Good night,” Spock replies, clenching his fist behind his back.

His mother swallows again, then quickly turns away, heading out into the hallway and closing the door behind her.

Seconds later, Spock hears a sob, and his stomach drops.

He clenches his jaw, then returns to his meditation space, lighting the firepot and incense burner once more.

---

After another two hours of fruitless meditation, Spock gives up and goes to bed. Another two hours of sleeplessness later, he gives up on that as well and decides to look over his lesson plans again. 

Thirty minutes later, he receives a message from Jim. It is a video of David throwing one of Ashaya’s stuffed mice toys across the living room and Ashaya retrieving it. David giggles in delight every time she does so, and the video ends with him petting her.

Spock allows himself a smile, then decides to call Jim without even a moment of hesitation.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Jim greets in a soft voice. “You doing alright?”

Spock suppresses a sigh.

“As well as can be expected,” Spock replies. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m alright. Ashaya’s been insisting that I use her ribbon toy for about twenty minutes now.”

“She does enjoy that particular toy. If you throw one of her springs she may choose to abandon it.”

“Nah, that’s alright. She seems pretty happy with how things are going.”

“I see.” Spock hesitates, then takes a breath. “Would you be opposed to speaking more privately, then?”

“Oh, uh, no, of course not. David, honey, can you-?”

“I’ll play with the kitty while you and Mister Dr. Spock have another grown-up conversation, Daddy.”

“Thanks, buddy.” Spock hears some shuffling on the other end; a moment later, a door closes. “What’s up?”

Spock swallows.

“I’ve… come to the conclusion that taking some time away from my parents would be for the best.”

“Oh. As in, physical space, or…?”

“Limited contact at the most. A vid call with Saavik once a month, wherein I will not participate but will supervise, is the current plan for the next six months.”

“How did they take that?”

Spock leans his head back against the headboard.

“About as well as one might expect.” Spock swallows. “I was… less than kind to my father, and I made my mother cry.”

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.”

“I know it is the right thing to do,” Spock says quietly. “If I do not take time and space from her- from both of them- then I will never be able to get past what has happened.”

His eyes sting.

“And yet, it is still painful. I do not want to hurt them, but I…”

“I know, Spock.” Jim sighs. “I wish it was easier, but I think you’re doing the right thing for yourself. You have to put your own needs ahead of theirs for now, that’s not the worst thing in the world. Even if it feels like it is.”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“I suppose so.”

“Look on the bright side, at least you won’t be sitting front row to their relationship woes for a while.”

“Actually, my mother told me that they have decided to go to counseling.”

“Oh, that’s good! I mean, I obviously know from experience that counseling doesn’t one hundred percent save a relationship, but it’ll probably help.”

Spock hums, then hesitates.

“Jim?”

“Mm?”

“If- if it would not be too much of an imposition, would you possibly be able to come over after we return to Earth?”

He hears Jim inhale on the other end.

“I- really? You don’t think you and Saavik will be too tired?”

Spock shifts in his bed. 

“We may be, which is why I would prefer to call and tell you to come over than for you to simply arrive without notice. However, I… Saavik has missed both you and David.”

Jim chuckles softly.

“Has she? Well, we’ve both missed her.” Jim pauses. “She’s not the only person I’ve missed.”

Spock’s cheeks heat, and he suppresses a smile.

“The sentiment is returned,” he admits quietly. “I… would appreciate seeing you after everything that has happened.”

“I’d appreciate that too. We could do a little bit of a sleepover for the kids, if you’d like.”

Spock frowns.

“A… sleepover?”

“It’s pretty much what it sounds like. Someone, typically a kid, stays overnight at a friend’s house. Usually one of them doesn’t have a parent over, but that’s not really relevant here.”

“I see. What does one typically do at a sleepover?”

“Well, I could buy Saavik a little sleeping bag- her favorite color’s still red, right?”

“It is. However, I do not know what a sleeping bag is.”

“It’s sort of a lightweight quilt that can be zipped up around a person. Usually it’s used for camping, but it can also be used at sleepovers. I figure since Saavik kicks in her sleep it’d be better than her and David trying to squeeze into her bed.”

“That is logical. What else does one do at this event?”

“Oh, lots of things. Watch movies, play board games, make s’mores in the microwave- uh, probably without chocolate, given what it’ll do to you and Saavik. Unless you feel like indulging?”

“As I do not do so often, I believe it would not be a wise idea to do so with children present.”

“Fair enough. Oh, I could pick up a pizza from that place the kids like… hm, what else… ah, we could help the kids build a blanket fort.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“A… blanket fort?”

“It’s where you take a bunch of blankets and drape them over tall furniture, then put a bunch of pillows inside of that. It’s a lot of fun.”

“I see. I suppose we could construct such a thing.”

“That’s the spirit! Do you think you have enough extra blankets, or should I bring some over?”

“I believe so. My mother…” Spock falters, then takes a breath. “We were sent to Earth with an excess of blankets. There should be enough in the linen closet.”

“Sounds good. I can bring over the board games, David’s gotten really into Candyland recently…”

Half an hour later, they have arranged and negotiated nearly everything that can be discussed for this kind of event.

Spock finds he still does not want to hang up.

“What time does your shuttle leave?” Jim asks.

“It is scheduled to depart at 7:30 PM. We should arrive in the late afternoon on Friday.”

“Man, it’s still a pretty long ride even with commercial warp, huh?”

“We do have to cross multiple systems to get back to Earth,” Spock muses. 

“True, yeah, it’s a lot of space.” Jim pauses, then sighs. “Spock, can I be honest about something?”

“Of course.”

“I’m running out of things to talk to you about, but I don’t want to hang up.”

Spock blinks, then finds himself unable to suppress a smile.

“I understand. I do not want to end our conversation either.” He hesitates for a moment. “I… know that I implied as much earlier, but… I miss you, Jim.”

He can practically hear Jim smile.

“Yeah,” Jim says quietly. “I miss you too. I can’t wait to see you.”

Spock allows himself a smile.

“I too am looking forward to it.”

---

Spock hires a hovercar service to take him and Saavik to the spaceport rather than utilizing his father’s driver as he normally would. Circumstances being what they are, he does not feel it appropriate to do so. 

Saavik says goodbye to Spock’s father in his office. He does not come out front to see them off, as Spock’s mother does. 

“You’ll at least let me know when you get home, won’t you?” His mother asks.

“Yes, mother,” Spock tells her. 

“Good.” She hesitates, then smiles down at Saavik. “I’ll talk with you in a few weeks, alright, sweetheart?”

Saavik nods, then hugs his mother around the waist. His mother runs her fingers through Saavik’s hair before she lets her go, then looks up at Spock.

“... I love you, Spock,” she says quietly.

A lump forms in Spock’s throat, one that he can only imagine is made up of the words I love you too.

He swallows them down, nodding.

“Goodbye, Mother.”

Then he turns away, herding Saavik into the car and getting in.

Somehow, he manages to force himself not to look back.

 

Notes:

... i promise the next chapter will be happier.

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "heel turn 2" by the mountain goats)

Chapter 36: sleepover

Ashaya begins meowing the moment the apartment door beeps, nearly bursting out into the hall when she sees Spock and Saavik. Saavik coos, reaching out to pet her.

“Hello, Ashaya,” Spock greets her. “I trust that you have not destroyed the apartment in our absence.”

In response, Ashaya flops onto her back, wriggling against the ground. Saavik giggles, kneeling down to rub her belly. Spock steps past them and brings their bags into the apartment, setting Saavik’s bag outside of her bedroom and taking his own into his. 

It is exactly as he left it, save for the light dusting of cat hair on the pillow he typically uses.

Spock grimaces, then gets to work switching out the pillow case for the spare. Once that is done, he returns to the living room, where Saavik has begun scratching Ashaya under her chin.

He studies her for a moment, then makes a decision.

“Saavik?” He calls.

Saavik turns to him, tilting her head slightly.

“Saavik,” he begins. “How would you feel about having David and his father come over?”

Saavik’s eyes go wide, and she quickly nods.

Yes please!

“Would you be alright if they stayed through the night?”

Saavik gasps, then nods again.

Yes!

Spock nods. 

“Very well.” He turns his attention to his comm, messaging Jim that they should come over. Moments later, Jim’s response arrives.

Jim: Glad to hear it! I already picked up a sleeping bag for Saavik and some other supplies, so I’ll help David get some stuff packed and we’ll be right over. Do you want me to pick up the pizza on the way there?

Spock: That would be helpful, thank you.

“They will be here soon,” Spock tells Saavik as he puts his comm down. Saavik bounces up and down, then stops, furrowing her brow.

What does someone do when a friend sleeps at their house?

“Do not be worried, Saavik. Jim has already come up with some ideas.” Spock turns toward the linen closet. “Come, we need to get blankets and extra pillows.”

Saavik makes a confused sound behind him, transmitting confusion through their bond, followed by an image of Jim and David sleeping on the couch.

“No, they will not be sleeping there- you and David will be utilizing items known as sleeping bags, and Jim will…” Spock’s ears burn slightly as he opens the linen closet, ears burning. “Jim will likely be sleeping in my bed with me.”

An image of the blankets and pillows appears in Spock’s mind, along with a question mark.

“Jim suggested that we build what is known as a ‘blanket fort,’” Spock explains as he gathers the blankets and pillows into his arms. He turns around. “We will need these in order to do so.”

Saavik tilts her head, then begins signing.

How do you build a blanket fort?

Spock pauses, pursing his lips.

“I… do not know. I assume Jim will take the lead in this project.” He pulls a pillow off the top of the stack, then holds it out to Saavik. “Please take this to the living room.”

Saavik nods, carrying it over to the living room. When Spock arrives there himself, he sees that she has placed the pillow on the couch; he places his own items on the couch next to it. 

What else do people do at sleepovers?

“Jim has informed me that they watch films. Would you like to pick one out to show David?”

Saavik nods, and they spend the next twenty minutes on what she clearly considers a decision of vital importance.

Spock, for his part, does find her seriousness in this matter mildly amusing.

Just as she finally chooses a holofilm about a cat, there is a knock at the door. Saavik scrambles to her feet, running up to the door and bouncing on the balls of her feet. Spock gets up, walking over and opening the door to reveal Jim and David on the other side.

“HI SAAVIK!”

Saavik laughs, then rushes forward, wrapping David in a hug. He hugs her back, laughing.

“I missed you!”

Saavik pulls back, quickly signing that she missed him as well, then hugs him again.

Spock hears Jim chuckle; relief floods his body at the sound. He looks up to see him smiling, and he only barely contains a smile of his own.

“Glad to see you two made it back in one piece,” Jim says. He shuffles the sleeping bag and the pizza box in his arms. “Mind if I come in and set some of our stuff down?”

“Of course,” Spock replies, stepping to the side to allow him inside. Once the children have come back inside, he closes the door and walks toward the living room, where Jim has set down a pair of sleeping bags. 

“Where should we put our bags?” He asks.

“David can leave his in Saavik’s room, and you may leave yours in mine.”

“Sounds good. David, go ahead and do that, okay?”

“Daddy, can Saavik and I put our jammies on?”

“We haven’t even had dinner yet.”

“But it’s a sleepover! You gotta wear jammies at a sleepover, that’s what they said on Meii’shi!”

“Wait, they don’t even wear clothes on- oh, whatever. Sure, go ahead and put them on.”

Both children cheer, giggling as they run into Saavik’s room.

Jim turns to Spock, smiling.

“Wanna show me where to put my stuff?”

Spock frowns.

“There are only two bedrooms in this apartment, Jim. Surely you can discern which one is-!”

“Spock.”

“... ah. Yes, it is this way.”

Spock leads him into his bedroom, his gut squirming despite his efforts to suppress it.

“You alright?” Jim asks. 

“I am fine. Why do you ask?”

“Because you’re doing that clenching thing you do with your hands when you’re nervous but don’t want to show it.”

Spock resists the urge to wince, then clears his throat.

“I admit, I… am slightly apprehensive.”

“About what?”

“You have never been in my bedroom before.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“Huh. I’ve never really thought about it, but I suppose you’re right. We’ve really only ever been to my apartment after dates, haven’t we?”

“In fairness, our dates are typically scheduled so as to not interfere with your custody agreement. Your apartment is empty, and therefore more convenient to be intimate in.”

“That’s true. Also can’t imagine that Saavik would be too happy if we woke her up coming back from a date.” Jim smirks. “Or because someone was too loud.”

Spock flushes.

“That is typically your issue.”

“Not always,” Jim replies as he sets his bag down by the armchair. He walks over to Spock, placing a hand on his forearm. “Hey.”

Spock looks at him for a moment, his shoulders sagging slightly.

“Come here,” Jim says, and Spock goes without a fight. He leans his forehead onto Jim’s shoulder, too tired to keep himself from shuddering in relief when Jim’s arms wrap around him. He breathes in and out steadily as Jim rubs his back, the tension from the past few days flowing out of him.

The world stills around them. Spock breathes in, then out, allowing the faded scent of Jim’s shampoo and natural smell to relax the tension from his muscles that he’s been holding for the past several days. 

For the first time in nearly a week, he feels as though he is home.

“You look exhausted,” Jim comments softly once they pull apart.

“I am,” Spock admits. “I… have not slept well in the past few days. I slept somewhat better on the shuttle back, but not as well as I would have liked to.”

“Poor thing. Hopefully being back in your own bed’ll help with that.” He rubs Spock’s arm. “Did you manage to meditate?”

“Yes, though not very successfully while we were on Vulcan. I managed to do so on the shuttle, however.”

“That’s good. If you’d like, I could handle the kids while you meditate a little more?”

Spock shakes his head.

“Thank you, but that is unnecessary. I would like to spend time with you and the children.”

Jim smiles.

“Well, alright, but let me know if you need a break, okay?” He turns, walking over to his suitcase and opening it to grab a pair of pajamas. “I’m gonna put these on. Are you planning on changing?”

“Yes, but into loungewear rather than pajamas.”

Jim shrugs as he walks over to Spock. 

“I doubt David knows the difference, or that Saavik cares.” He kisses Spock’s cheek. “See you in a bit.”

He leaves the room, and Spock quickly changes into soft pants, a loose-fitting shirt, and a robe. He then ventures into the living room, where Ashaya has situated herself on top of the Candyland box.

“We will need that soon,” he tells her.

Ashaya blinks at him, then yawns. 

Just then, Saavik appears, hands on her hips and an expression of pride on her face.

“Saavik, your shirt is on backwards,” Spock tells her.

Saavik blinks, looking down, then quickly disappears back into her room. A moment later, she reemerges, her shirt now worn correctly.

“Better. You have done a good job dressing yourself.”

Saavik beams just as David emerges from her bedroom, his arms above his head and trapped by his sleeves.

“Help,” his muffled voice requests. Spock walks over to him, kneeling down.

“Hold your arms as straight as you can,” he instructs. He does so, and Spock pulls down his shirt.

“Thank you Mister Dr. Spock!” David chirps.

“You are welcome, David.”

The door to the bathroom opens, revealing Jim in his pajamas. His hair is still dry.

“Oh, good, you’re all ready to get started then.”

“You did not shower?”

“I’m more of a morning shower kind of person,” Jim explains.

“Ah, I see. I prefer to shower at night.”

“Good to know we won’t have scheduling issues there, then.”

“How come I have to take baths at night, but you can take showers in the morning?” David asks.

“Because I don’t have time to clean up after the splash monster in the morning,” Jim replies breezily. “Now, who wants pizza?”

“Me!” David declares as Saavik’s hand shoots up into the air.

“Alright then. You still keep your plates in the cabinet nearest the sink, right?”

“I do. I will get the glasses…”

---

Once they have eaten dinner, and Ashaya has been fed after her attempt to steal a slice of her own, Jim suggests that they begin building the blanket fort.

“First things first, we need to move the coffee table out of the way. Blanket forts are great for watching movies in, so we’ll need a space in the living room to build the fort.”

Spock nods.

“Stay in the kitchen while Jim and I relocate the coffee table,” he instructs the children. “You should also keep Ashaya here with you.”

“Okay!” David says, grabbing Ashaya’s favorite ribbon toy. “Here, kitty!”

With both the children and the cat distracted, Jim and Spock rearrange the furniture so that there is enough room to build the fort. Spock is not particularly looking forward to putting it back, but he is willing to go through with this for the sake of a pleasant evening.

“What do we do next?” He asks.

“Alright, so, when building a blanket fort, you need to make sure the blankets will stay up.” Jim holds up a small package. “That’s why the next thing that needs to happen is you and I setting up this clothesline.”

Spock nods, taking one end of the clothesline once Jim has removed it from the package and unspooled it. Getting it properly set up requires the use of a floor lamp, but they manage to get it hung at a height where Jim and Spock will not be constantly pushing their heads into the ceiling of the fort. 

“Great, now we’re going to need to hang up the sheets.”

Spock frowns.

“Sheets?”

“Yeah, you need to use sheets as the roof of the fort, or else it gets too hot inside,” Jim says. He pauses. “Which I’m now realizing I didn’t explain to you.”

“You did not.”

Jim grins sheepishly.

“Sorry, Spock. I suppose it just slipped my mind.”

“It is of no consequence. I will get them now.”

“Great, I’ll get the clothespins I brought.”

Some ten minutes later, the blanket fort has been set up. 

“Looks perfect.”

“It does seem quite comfortable,” Spock remarks. “This was a good idea, ashayam.”

Jim blinks.

“Uh… what did you just call me?”

Spock’s ears begin to burn. He clears his throat, glancing away. 

“Ashayam. It is a… term of endearment amongst Vulcans in romantic relationships.”

Jim blinks again, then slowly starts to smile.

“Well, I think I can get used to that, sweetheart.” He arches up, pulling Spock into a kiss.

David clears his throat loudly.

“Are you guys gonna be mushy forever or can we play Candyland?”

Jim laughs as he pulls back.

“Alright, alright. You wanna be the little blue guy again?”

“Yes! Saavik can be the red guy, and you can be the yellow guy, and Mister Dr. Spock can be the green guy…”

---

Approximately two and a half hours later, both Saavik and David are sound asleep in the fort as the credits roll on the holofilm. Jim puts a finger to his lips, helping Spock get out of the fort as silently as possible before turning the holovision off. They make their way back to Spock’s room, and Jim closes the door behind them.

“So,” Jim says after a moment, “I might have a little surprise for you.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“A surprise?”

“Mhmm. Close your eyes and hold out your hand.”

Spock purses his lips, but does as Jim requests. He hears footsteps, Jim’s suitcase unzipping, then the rustle of a plastic bag before more footsteps. Then, something small is placed in Spock’s hand.

“Close your hand around this, I don’t want you to drop it accidentally.”

“It is highly unlikely I would,” Spock replies even as he does as asked. 

“Better safe than sorry. Alright, go ahead and open your eyes.”

Spock does, looking down to see that Jim has placed a small bottle in his hand. He frowns, inspecting it.

“Jubilee Chocolate Liqueur,” Spock reads on the label. “What is this?”

“It's a drink consisting of chocolate and alcohol- whiskey, in this case.” Jim holds up an identical bottle. “Picked them up while I was out getting Saavik’s sleeping bag.”

Spock frowns.

“I told you that I believed getting intoxicated while our children were nearby was inadvisable.”

“That’s why I picked something with both a low cocoa and a low alcohol content. Even if you’re an absolute lightweight it shouldn’t get you much more than buzzed. If the kids need us, we’ll be fine.” Jim shrugs. “Though if you still don’t want it, I’ll drink both. I’ve got a pretty good tolerance level.”

Spock considers this for a moment, then silently unwraps the foil surrounding the bottle. Once that is gone, he uncorks it, then downs the entire contents of the bottle in one go.

“Oh, okay,” he hears Jim say, followed by the crinkle of foil and the sound of a bottle being uncorked. Spock opens his eyes to see Jim taking a swig of his drink, lips twitching upward as the warm haze of early intoxication settles over him.

“It was not very much,” Spock notes.

“Mm, no, no it wasn’t. But I didn’t want to risk us getting too tipsy and the kids needing us for something.”

“That is logical,” Spock replies before pausing. “Perhaps at some other point we could try something a bit more potent, however?”

Jim blinks, then chuckles.

“I’m sure we could figure out the logistics of that at some point.” Jim leans in, pecking him on the cheek. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth and wash my face, then you can shower. After that, maybe we could watch a film on my PADD?”

Spock nods.

“I would enjoy that.”

Jim grins, then kisses him again before heading toward the bathroom.

Spock sits down on the bed, turning his gaze to the ceiling and letting out a sigh. His mind is slightly hazy, owing to the chocolate, but he finds it rather pleasant, almost relaxing in a way.

He lays down across the bed, fanning out his arms. After a moment, he allows his eyes to drift closed, just to rest them.

Some time later, he feels a hand gently moving his shoulder.

“Spock, honey, wake up.”

Spock opens his eyes.

“I was not asleep.”

“Mmhm, sure you weren’t. Still want to shower?”

Spock nods, getting out of bed. He gathers the clothing he needs, then heads for the bathroom, suppressing a yawn until the door is closed behind him.

His mind is slightly less hazy when he returns from the bathroom, though he is still pleasant warm and buzzed as he walks inside.

He blinks at the sight of Jim in his bed. Not because of him in his bed, though that is more pleasing than he had expected, but rather because of what is on his face.

“You are wearing glasses.”

Jim jolts, nearly dropping his PADD. His eyes are wide as he turns toward Spock.

“Geez, Spock, you startled me.”

“My apologies. When did you start wearing glasses?”

Jim’s cheeks turn pink.

“Oh, uh… earlier this week, actually. I told Bones that I’d been having headaches and blurry vision, and he badgered me into booking an appointment with an optometrist. Turns out I’ve developed a mild astigmatism. I’ve been wearing contacts during the day, but at night I’ve started wearing glasses- don’t trust myself not to fall asleep with them in.” He moves the PADD a bit. “I wanted to do some reading while you were in the shower, and I suppose I just forgot you hadn’t seen me with them on yet.”

He smiles sheepishly.

“I, uh, hope they’re not too strange.”

“Decidedly not.”

Jim blinks, then smirks, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh? Then what do you think of them, Dr. Spock?”

“I would tell you, but our children are asleep in the next room.”

Jim chuckles, then takes his glasses off. 

“Well, I’ll have to remember to bring them along the next time we’re alone, then.” He smiles at him, putting his PADD aside. “Come here, sweetheart.”

Once again, Spock goes without a fight. He gets into bed on the opposite side of Jim, then wraps his arms around him, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Jim rubs his back, kissing his forehead, then his lips when Spock comes up to meet his gaze.

When he pulls back, there is a strange look on his face.

“Is something amiss?”

“Oh, no, just… I just realized I’ve never seen you without makeup on before, that’s all.”

Spock frowns.

“Is that a problem?”

Jim smiles.

“Course not. I think you’re beautiful all the time, Spock.”

Spock flushes, clearing his throat and turning his gaze to Jim’s PADD.

“What film did you have in mind?”

The film Jim has selected is quite contemporary by his standards, in that it was released merely three decades ago rather than three centuries. Still, it does not seem to capture Jim’s attention very well, as his mind keeps wandering.

For a while, Spock does not comment on this, as he also senses a contentment from Jim, one that he assumes comes from the fact that they are currently cuddling.

It is only when the words “I should tell him” pass through Spock’s mind that he pauses.

“Jim?”

“Mm?”

“Is there something you wish to discuss?”

Jim blinks, looking over at him.

“Why would you think that?”

“I am a touch telepath, Jim. I have sensed that there is something on your mind.”

Jim hesitates, then sighs, reaching over and pausing the film on his PADD.

“Actually, yeah, uh… there is something.”

Spock shifts so that he is sitting up. 

“What is it?”

Jim swallows, then takes a breath.

“I’ve been thinking about going back to therapy,” he says.

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“For what reason?”

Jim sighs.

“You were miserable your entire trip, weren’t you?”

Spock frowns.

“It was indeed unpleasant, but I am uncertain what that has to do with you going to therapy.”

“Because I felt awful that I wasn’t able to be there for you. Physically present, I mean.”

Spock tilts his head slightly. 

“I did not ask you to come with us, Jim. I also would not have, given that it is your custody week with David.”

“I know, I know, I just…” Jim sighs, turning over to face Spock. “I know things are difficult with your parents right now, but if you ever do go back to Vulcan I’d like to be able to come with you for emotional support.”

“Jim…” Spock shifts a bit. “I do appreciate that, but I do not want you to only do this for my sake.”

“I’m not,” Jim promises. “Yeah, you being gone and being so unhappy on Vulcan was the catalyst, but I’ve got other reasons to try to get better. I’d like to be able to go off-planet on vacation again, or- or what if David decides he wants to move off-planet someday? Hell, even now I’ve only seen my brother once since he moved to Deneva.”

He sighs.

“I don’t… I don’t want to be earthbound anymore, Spock. I’m tired of looking up at the stars and thinking I’ll never be among them again.” His expression turns somber. “And there are… I think that getting through this will help me accept that there are just some paths I can’t take anymore. Some things I’m not going to get to do.”

He looks up at Spock.

“I want to be able to accept that, and move on with my life. I want to put the past behind me, once and for all.”

He smiles softly.

“I want to get better, Spock. For you, sure, but for David and myself too.”

“Jim…” Spock nods, then leans in, kissing him gently. “I will support you, then. Whatever you need from me while you undergo this process, I will endeavor to provide it.”

“All I need from you is for you to be around,” Jim tells him. He grins. “Though I won’t say no to some cuddling every once in a while.”

“Those terms are acceptable.”

Jim smiles, then leans forward, pressing a kiss to Spock’s lips. Spock catches the back of his head, pressing against him, and Jim hums, cupping his face in his hands. 

When he slips a leg between Jim’s thighs, Jim breaks the kiss.

“Thought you said you didn’t wanna fool around tonight,” he murmurs.

“Perhaps I have simply changed my mind.”

Jim chuckles, putting a hand on Spock’s hip. 

“Emotional vulnerability got you a little hot under the collar, sweetheart?”

“I would attribute this more to being away from you and the intoxicants we have consumed,” Spock replies. He moves one of his hands onto Jim’s forearm, trailing it up towards his bicep. “But if you are not interested-!”

In an instant, Spock finds himself lying on his back with Jim above him, his wrist pinned above his head.

He could easily break out of the hold, of course, but he finds no reason to do so.

“Now, when did I say I wasn’t interested?” Jim murmurs, leaning down so that their faces are but inches apart. “I’m always interested in you, sweetheart.”

Spock tilts his head upward, pressing his lips against Jim’s. Jim hums, cupping his cheek with his free hand. After a moment, he lets go of Spock’s wrist, moving his hand to Spock’s hip as their lips slide against each other. Spock snakes a hand into Jim’s hair, spreading his legs slightly. Soon enough, they both begin breathing heavier, and Jim’s hand moves from Spock’s hips to his waist, toying with the hem of his sleep shirt for a moment before slipping beneath it.

And then the door opens.

“Daddy, I’m thirsty, can I have a glass of water?”

Jim springs off of him, eyes wide and face red in the light from the hall; Spock assumes his own face is just as flushed.

David frowns, tilting his head a little.

“What are you guys doing?”

“Uh… wrestling,” Jim answers quickly.

“Oh. Can I have water?”

Jim sighs, running a hand over his face before turning over to grab his glasses.

“Yeah, bud, just gimme a sec.” He looks over at Spock, grinning sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“It is of no consequence,” Spock replies even as he pulls the comforter up slightly higher. Jim leans over, pecking him on the lips before getting out of bed.

“Alright, kiddo, let’s get you that water, huh?”

David cheers, all but running down the hall. Jim follows shortly after, and Spock sighs, turning his gaze to the ceiling.

Seconds later, he feels a weight on the bed, one that is too small to be Jim, or either of their children. He glances up to see Ashaya sitting on the edge of the bed and staring at him.

“Hello,” he greets.

Ashaya meows in response, then walks up the bed until she is up near Spock’s chest. She immediately flops onto her side, nuzzling his chest and purring. Spock hums, petting her absently.

“I missed you,” he admits quietly. Ashaya trills, then suddenly shifts around and cranes her head up to lick Spock’s cheek. “That is unnecessary, but thank you.”

A moment later, Spock hears the floor near the doorway creak.

“Alright, water emergency has been taken… care of… Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“Did you replace me with a cat in the five minutes that I was gone?”

“‘Replace’ implies that I had any willful part in this. She simply walked in and laid down in the spot you were in a moment ago.”

“You don’t seem to have put up much of a fight,” Jim notes.

“She is a cat, Jim. She will do as she pleases.”

Jim shrugs, closing the door until only a sliver is open once again.

“Fair enough.” He walks over to the other side of the bed, kneeling on it. “Hey, Miss Ashaya, hate to bother you, but could I possibly have my spot back?”

Ashaya looks up at him, then puts her head back down. 

“Aw, come on, please?”

Ashaya tucks her head in, stretching her back legs out.

“Alright, well, I need to sleep, so I guess we’ll just have to share.” 

Jim lays down, not touching Ashaya at all, but apparently the bed shifting is enough to offend her into hopping up from her spot next to Spock. She walks down to the end of the bed, then lays down and curls back up.

“Well, I guess that works,” Jim says before cuddling up next to Spock. “Guess that the mood’s also pretty dead now, huh?”

“I would prefer not to be intimate with my cat in the room,” Spock deadpans.

“Fair enough.” Jim smirks. “Rain check, then? It’s Carol’s week starting tomorrow, I can come over after Saavik’s asleep.”

Spock considers this, then nods. 

“That would be acceptable.”

“Wonderful. Now, come here.”

Jim pulls him into his arms once more, and Spock, for lack of a better word, melts. As he relaxes into Jim’s arms, his larynx and diaphragm begin to oscillate. Jim shifts next to him, moving his hand to run his fingers through Spock’s hair.

“Mm, didn’t know Ashaya’s purr could be so loud.”

Spock freezes, heat blossoming in his cheeks and creeping up his ears.

“That… was not Ashaya,” he admits, voice still slightly rumbling.

Jim’s hand falters.

“Wait, you- Vulcans purr?”

“In very specific situations,” Spock mumbles, giving up on retaining any sense of dignity. “Mostly in relation to being around people we trust and care for.”

Jim laughs, leaning in and kissing him on the forehead.

“Well, I think I like the sound of that.” He resumes running his fingers through Spock’s hair, and Spock begins purring once more. “And that too. I’ll have to figure out more ways to make you purr.”

Spock hums, too tired to engage in the conversation any more than that. He closes his eyes, resting his head against Jim’s chest as he breathes in and out steadily.

He is still purring when he finally drifts off to sleep.

Notes:

david, eating cereal in the academy mess hall fourteen years later: ... they weren't wrestling

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 37: therapy

Notes:

tw: past near death experience, strangulation

“Commander Kirk?” 

Jim looks up, smiling tightly when he sees the door to the office open. He stands up, walking over to the doctor.

“That’s me.”

“Hi, I’m Dr. Singh. It’s nice to meet you.” He gestures for Jim to come inside. “Come in, have a seat.”

Jim nods, walking inside. The office is small, but nice; it’s well-furnished and tastefully decorated. He sits down in one of the two seats, folding his hands in his lap, and Singh sits down in the one across from him.

“How are you doing today, Commander Kirk?”

“Uh, fine. You can just call me Jim, by the way.”

Singh smiles.

“Jim, then.” Singh writes something down, then looks up. “Tell me a little about yourself.”

“Uh… sure. I’m thirty-one, divorced with one kid, and I work at Starfleet Academy as an instructor on the Command track.”

Singh jots that down.

“So, have you ever been in therapy before, Jim?”

Jim frowns.

“You have my file, don’t you?”

“I’d prefer to hear you describe it in your own words,” Singh replies.

Jim takes a breath, then exhales.

“Okay, well, I- I was on Tarsus IV during the massacre. Went to therapy for several years after that. Then there was the, ah… what happened to me that I’ve decided to start going to therapy again for. And most recently I went to couple’s counseling with my ex-wife, if that counts.”

“It’s a form of therapy, so I’d say it counts.” Singh writes something down on his PADD. “You said you previously went to therapy for the issue that brought you here today. What made you stop last time?”

“Well, I got to a place where I thought I could live with what happened to me. I’d figured out ways to handle my symptoms, and I was just… ready to be done, I guess.”

“I see.” Singh writes something else down. “Can I ask what made you change your mind?”

“My boyfriend, actually. He’s Vulcan, and so his parents live off planet. His father had a heart attack about a month ago, so he had to go back to see him.” Jim shrugs. “And I couldn’t go with him.”

“Did he ask you to?”

“No, he- it was pretty last minute, and it was my custody week with my son. My ex-wife and I are friends, and she’s reasonable, but I wouldn’t spring taking David off planet on her.”

“I see. But you still felt guilty that you couldn’t go with him?”

“Not guilty, exactly, just… bad. His relationship with his parents, especially his father, is difficult to say the least. Talking to him while he was there made me realize that if I didn’t at least try to get better, I’d never be able to physically be there for him if he needed to go back to Vulcan.”

“Were you able to provide him comfort over comms?”

“Of course, but I- I hate the idea of him going through things like that by himself, even if I can comfort him after the fact.” Jim takes a breath. “And it’s not just that. If I don’t try to get better, I’ll miss out on a lot of things- I’ll never be able to go on vacation off planet, I won’t be able to see my son if he decides to move off Earth, hell, I’ve only seen my brother once since he moved to Deneva.”

“I see. So, your long-term goal is to be able to leave Earth?”

“Yeah. Without having to take anything, I mean. Doesn’t seem super sustainable in the long term.” He shifts. “I’d also like to be able to talk about what happened to me without feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack, or just outright having one.”

“How many people have you discussed what happened to you with?”

“Directly? Three: the therapist I went to after it happened, my ex-wife, and our couples’ counselor.” Jim shifts in his seat. “Other people, like Spock- my boyfriend- and my son, know that something happened to me that makes it all but impossible for me to get off planet, but I haven’t told them why.”

Singh writes something down, then looks up at Jim.

“I’ve noticed that you haven’t actually told me what happened to you.”

Jim stiffens, looking away.

“Well, it’s in my file, isn’t it?”

“It is. However, as I said earlier, I’d like to hear it in your own words.”

Jim grips the edge of his seat, breathing in and out through his nose.

“I… um. I was… there was a mission that… we were on a shuttle, and…” He grips at the seat again, trying to regain feeling in his hands. “It wasn’t… I…”

“Jim,” Singh calls. “It’s okay. You can stop.”

Jim exhales shakily. 

“I- I’m sorry, I just… like I said, when I try to talk about it, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.”

“I can see that. Does it happen every time?”

“Pretty much. I only managed to get through it with Carol and our counselor because I took some alprazolam beforehand.”

Singh nods, jotting something down.

“Were you able to discuss it with either of them after?”

Jim swallows, looking down at his hands.

“Not directly,” he admits. “I tried, I just… even with them knowing, and not hating me for… what I did, I just… I couldn’t do it.”

“You were found to have done nothing wrong, Jim.”

“I know that, I just… I can’t quite convince my brain of it, you know? It feels like I did something wrong, even though I know I didn’t.”

“Guilt is common in this kind of situation. That doesn’t mean it’s not misplaced.” 

Jim inhales, then exhales.

“Yeah, that’s… that’s what my last individual therapist told me. And the couples’ counselor. And I do try to keep that in mind, but it’s- it’s not easy, you know? Until it happened, I never really thought about what I would do in that kind of situation.” He shifts. “I mean, they give you combat training at the Academy, but the focus is always on subduing the opponent wherever possible. Force is a last resort.”

Singh hums.

“Have you thought about telling anyone since you told your ex-wife and couples’ counselor?”

Jim taps his fingers against the chair’s arm. 

“I’ve… thought about telling Spock. You heard about that- that stranding a while back, right?”

“I did. I’m sure that must have been a difficult read for you.”

Jim clears his throat.

“Yeah, I… I was in a pretty bad spot after I found out about that. Almost had two panic attacks in as many days, only didn’t because I made myself get an alprazolam refill after I had one in January.”

“Was that also about this incident?”

“No, it was about Tarsus. First one I’d had in about eighteen months.” He taps his fingers again. “It was pretty bad. Pretty much all of my coping mechanisms failed, and if Spock hadn’t come in when he did it probably would have been a lot worse.”

“I see. Did he also help with the more recent issues?”

Jim clears his throat again, looking away.

“I sort of… didn’t tell him about those. He only figured it out because I dropped my alprazolam and he picked it up.” He shifts in his seat. “I did lie at first and try to pass them off as pain relief, but he saw the label and called me out on it the next day.”

“How did that go?”

Jim snorts.

“Not well. We fought about it- he was displeased that I lied to him, I was mad that he wouldn’t back off when I asked him to. We both apologized later and agreed to do better, but after I did consider telling him the truth.”

“And you ultimately decided against it?”

“Yeah, I just… I don’t think I’m there yet.”

“Well, that’s definitely something that we can work on. For now, we’ll work on trying to ease your anxiety around the situation itself, which might make talking about it easier. We could start by strengthening your coping strategies.” Singh’s watch beeps. “Which is something that we’ll need to save for next time, as it so happens.”

Jim exhales slowly.

“Yeah, alright. That sounds good.”

Singh looks down at his PADD.

“Looks like I’ve got an opening in two weeks for Thursday. Does that work?”

“Oh, that’d be perfect, actually. Next week is my custody week, and I’d prefer not to have to get a sitter for David.”

“Great. I’ll send John a message to schedule you, then. He’ll confirm it for you on your way out.”

Jim nods, then rises from his seat, walking over and shaking Singh’s hand before thanking him and leaving the office.

He leaves the building feeling… well, less like he’s about to have a panic attack than he thought he would.

He supposes that’s something.

---

Jim comes home to an empty, quiet apartment.

He expected it to be, of course. It’s Carol’s week with David, so Jim essentially lives alone for the week.

Months in, the pattern’s remained: the first day or two is a relief, a break from the pressure of being a single parent.

Then, once he’s had time to recuperate, the quiet gets to be a little stifling. He’ll find a toy shoved in the gap between the cushions on the couch, and sure, he’ll be annoyed for two seconds, but then he’ll imagine David playing with it and he’ll start to wish he was here.

He sighs, running a hand over his face before heading toward his bedroom. He’s surprised to see that his glasses aren’t on the side table where he left them. He checks the bathroom, the kitchen, even under the couch in a moment of desperation, but they’re nowhere to be found. 

“Where did I…?” Jim trails off when an image flashes in his head: his glasses, on Spock’s bathroom counter. 

Right where he left them this morning.

“Shit.” He gets out his comm and navigates over to messages.

Jim: Hey, honey, I think I left my glasses at your place. Are you at home?

Moments later, his comm buzzes.

Spock: I am still at my book club meeting. I believe Saavik is currently home with her sitter, I will message her to let you in.

Jim: You sure your sitter would be okay with that? I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

Spock: I am certain she would not be, but I will ask if she is comfortable with it first.

A moment later, his comm buzzes again.

Spock: Mei has told me that she would be fine letting you in.

Jim smiles.

Jim: Alright, I’ll drop by, then.

---

Jim arrives at Spock’s apartment about thirty-five minutes later, delayed by both bad traffic and bad luck with traffic lights. The route’s become well-practiced over the past few months, in the past month alone especially. He says hi to a couple of Spock’s neighbors on the way up, then quickly makes his way over to the apartment, knocking on the door. It opens to reveal a young woman with her hair in a messy bun. She frowns, looking him up and down.

“You’re not the delivery guy,” she notes.

“Uh, no, I’m not. I’m Jim Kirk? Spock messaged you about me coming over?”

“Oh, right, right!” She sighs. “I’m sorry, I totally blanked on that.”

Before Jim can speak, he hears a squeal. He looks down just in time to see Saavik push past Mei before she nearly knocks him down by hugging his lower legs as tight as she possibly can. 

He’s briefly thankful that she’s only three; if she were any older, he suspects he’d be looking at some damage to his shins if nothing else.

“Oof!” He laughs, reaching down to ruffle her hair. “Well, hey there, kiddo! Did you miss me?”

Saavik looks up, nodding seriously. 

“Aw, well, I missed you too. But I’m only gonna be here for a minute, I just need to get my glasses.”

Saavik frowns, shaking her head and clinging to him tighter.

“Come on, sweetheart, I need to get moving.”

She shakes her head again.

“Sorry,” Mei apologizes. “She’s been in a mood for a little while now. Been cranky at me for at least an hour.”

“Saavik, have you been giving poor Mei a hard time?”

Saavik frowns and begins to sign.

I am hungry.

“I’m sure you are, honey, but that’s no reason to be mean to Mei. She can’t make the deliveryperson get here any faster. Besides, you don’t want to make her sad, do you?”

Saavik hums, then shakes her head.

“That’s right. So, what are you going to do now?”

Be nice?

“That’s it exactly. Now, would you let go of me so I can go get my glasses?”

Saavik frowns, but lets go of his legs and backs away.

“Thank you, Saavik.” He smiles at Mei, then heads for Spock’s bathroom. Ashaya all but jumps in front of him, laying down to demand pets. “Ashaya, I don’t really have time for this.”

She meows at him plaintively, and he sighs.

“... fine, but just for a minute.” He kneels down, and she pops up, pushing her head into his palm. She begins purring, and he chuckles, unable to help his amusement at the fact that he’s become an expert at making both Spock and his cat purr.

A moment later, he feels a tug on his sleeve; he looks over to see Saavik holding something behind her back.

“Yes?”

She brings out a piece of paper, looking at him expectantly. He takes it from her, looking at it to see four stick figures. The two taller ones are clearly meant to be a Vulcan and a Human, as are the smaller ones. The length of the smaller Vulcan’s hair tips him off to what the drawing is of, and warmth spreads in his chest.

“Is this supposed to be me, your dad, David, and you?”

Saavik nods, and Jim’s helpless but to smile at her.

“Saavik, this is very sweet. Thank you for this, really. I’m gonna put it somewhere important.”

Saavik beams, then suddenly rushes forward, wrapping her arms around his neck. Jim blinks, surprised, then smiles and hugs her back. After a moment, she steps back.

Where will you put the drawing?

“Hmm… maybe my office? I’ve got a lot of David’s drawings in there too.”

Saavik thinks about this, then nods. Jim chuckles as he gets up. 

“Glad you approve, kiddo. Now, I really gotta go get my glasses.”

He walks over to the bathroom and finds his glasses right where he left them, pocketing them before heading out. “Alright, that’s all I needed. I’ll get out of your hair.”

Saavik frowns.

You won’t stay for dinner?

Jim smiles, ruffling her hair again.

“Sorry, kiddo, but I’ve got work to do at home. I can’t stay.”

Saavik pouts, and Jim feels his resolve crumble just a little.

“But maybe tomorrow I can come over?” He suggests.

Saavik immediately perks up, nodding. Jim chuckles, patting her on the head before heading for the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Thanks for letting me in, Mei.”

“No problem, Mr. Kirk.”

Jim smiles at her, then heads for the door. He opens it to see a young woman with a plastic bag in her hand, about to buzz the door.

“Oh, hey, that’s convenient,” she comments. “Well, here you go.”

She all but forces the food into his arms; before Jim can say anything, she’s already walking away, full attention on her comm. Jim looks between her and the food, then sighs and turns around.

“Well, I guess I’ll just bring this in, then.”

“I can take it from you if you want,” Mei offers.

“No, no, it’s fine, I already have it,” Jim replies as he walks into the kitchen. Just as he puts the takeout bag down, he hears the door beep. Saavik immediately runs out of the kitchen, followed shortly by Ashaya, and Jim bites back a chuckle.

“Hello, Saavik. Ashaya.”

Jim smiles, then walks into the front hallway.

“Hey, stranger.”

Spock looks up, eyebrows raised even as warmth shines in his eyes.

“Jim,” he replies. “I did not expect you to still be here.”

“Yeah, had a few delays driving here, and then a couple of little ladies demanded my attention for a bit. Plus then I got saddled with taking the takeout in.” He grins as he walks over to Spock and puts his hands on his shoulders. “Can’t say I’m too upset about it now, though.”

“Surely not,” Spock replies before leaning in for a kiss. 

“Saavik, your food’s ready!” Jim hears Mei call. He breaks the kiss as Saavik all but sprints back into the kitchen, chuckling softly. 

“Good evening, Mei,” Spock calls. 

“Evening, Dr. Spock! I’ve got the food split into plates if you’re hungry!”

“Thank you,” he replies. He closes the door. “Could you possibly feed Ashaya while I pay Mei?”

“Sure thing,” Jim replies, following him into the kitchen. Ashaya follows at his heels as if knowing that it’s dinner time. “Hungry, little miss?”

Ashaya meows loudly, then paws at the pantry door. It takes Jim a minute to get her food and water set up, most of which Ashaya spends staring at him and meowing.

“Patience is a virtue, you know,” he teases as he sets down her plate. Ashaya doesn’t reply to that, instead digging into her meal.

“Here you are,” he hears Spock say. “Your monetary payment, and your pork lo mein with extra noodles, as usual.”

“Great, thanks.” Mei’s comm beeps just as she takes the money and the takeout box, and she swears just quietly enough that Jim’s comfortable assuming Saavik didn’t hear. “I gotta get going. I’ll see you on Saturday, Saavik!”

Saavik waves at her, accidentally tossing a noodle onto the table. Spock moves to clean it up as Mei leaves, and Jim walks over to him. 

“Well, that should be everything. I’ll get out of your hair.”

Saavik whines as Jim kisses Spock’s cheek.

Can’t you stay for dinner?

“I wouldn’t want to impose, sweetheart,” Jim replies. 

“It would not be an imposition,” Spock says. “We have plenty of food, as this particular restaurant has large portion sizes.”

Jim thinks on this, then nods.

“Well… alright, I’ll stay for dinner, but then I do need to get going.”

Spock looks pleased in his own way, then moves to get Jim a serving of cong you ban mian. Jim sits down next to Saavik, accepting a veggie dumpling when she offers it.

“How was your book club? You guys get to the requisite out-of-left-field twist yet?”

Spock looks like he wants to roll his eyes as he turns back toward him with plate in hand.

“You are making fun of me.”

“Not at all,” Jim replies. “I think it’s very cute that my logical Vulcan boyfriend loves pulpy mystery thrillers.”

“I find them interesting,” Spock insists, “mainly from a narrative and structural standpoint.”

Jim chuckles.

“If you say so. Now, tell me how it went while we eat.”

Spock still seems like he wants to roll his eyes, but he still seems amused.

“While we were sharing theories, Deborah suggested that the killer might be someone within the central characters rather than an outsider as the narrator suggests.”

“What do you think of that?”

“It is plausible, though I do not know if there is enough evidence to support the claim just yet…”

---

Jim ends up staying much later than he intended, mostly because he was raised to help with dishes after someone feeds him, and Saavik nearly conks out on the couch while they’re working on that. She demands a bedtime story from Jim, and well… he’s not exactly used to her particular brand of pleading look yet. By the time she’s asleep, it’s David’s bedtime, and Jim’s never been more grateful that he and Saavik share similar tastes in classic children’s literature.

“Have a good night, Carol,” he tells her before hanging up, slipping his comm back into his pocket and putting the book on the coffee table.

“Is David asleep already?”

“Yeah, half a chapter of Winnie the Pooh and he’s out like a light, apparently.” Jim stretches, then gets up. “Guess I should head out.”

“It is early yet. Do you need to return home?”

Jim thinks for a moment, then shrugs.

“I’ve got a little work to do, but not too much. I could stay a little longer. Got something to do in mind?”

The look in Spock’s eyes turns heated. 

“I am certain you can guess.”

Jim blinks, then grins, wrapping a hand around Spock’s wrist and pulling him towards the bedroom.

---

Some time later, Jim lets out a contented sigh as he leans his head against Spock’s chest. He grins when he feels Spock’s chest start to rumble.

“So, that makes you purr too, huh?”

“The specific act we just did has less to do with it than my sense of connection to you,” Spock answers. “But I did enjoy it immensely, yes.”

Jim chuckles, moving so that his chin is resting on Spock’s chest. Spock reaches down, carding his hand through Jim’s hair.

“How was your session with Dr. Singh?”

Jim tries not to let his smile drop too obviously at the question.

“It was… fine, I guess? Definitely not the worst first session I’ve had with a therapist.”

“Do you think he will be able to help you?”

“I think so. I don’t think it’s a bad fit, at least.” Jim shifts a little. “He thinks the first thing we should focus on is reducing my anxiety around what happened to me.”

“That seems logical,” Spock says as he moves to rub Jim’s back,

“Mm.” Jim hesitates for a moment. “He also… wants me to think about talking to people about it.”

Spock’s hand freezes.

“I see.” Spock glances away. “And how do you feel about that?”

Jim sighs, rolling off of Spock and onto his back.

“I don’t know, I… I mean, I think he’s right that talking about it would be good for me, and it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just…” Jim inhales, then exhales. “I’ve only really managed to explicitly say what happened to me twice, Spock. The first time, I had such a bad panic attack that I almost begged my therapist to call an ambulance, and the second time I took pills ahead of time so I wouldn’t have one.”

“There is no shame in taking medication when it is necessary, Jim.”

“I know, I know, but it’s not- I don’t want to have to do that every single time I try to talk about it. I want to get to a point where I can talk about it without feeling like I’m going to die.” He sighs. “But I don’t know how to do that.”

“That is why you are in therapy, is it not? So that you can find that path forward and heal.”

“That’s true. I guess I’m just worried about what that path’s going to look like.”

Spock turns toward him, putting a hand on his chest. 

“I will not pretend that it will be easy, Jim. Indeed, it will probably be quite difficult. But the fact you are trying at all is commendable.” 

Jim turns his head toward him, a small smile on his lips.

“Yeah? You think so?”

“I do. I am proud of you, Jim.”

Jim’s smile turns into an outright grin as he turns toward Spock, pulling him into a kiss.

“I should probably get going,” he says after a moment. 

“You are welcome to stay,” Spock offers.

“I appreciate that, honey, but even if sleeping in the nude sounds alright to me, I don’t have any clean clothes for tomorrow here. Or a toothbrush.”

“... ah. That is indeed an issue.” 

Spock looks somewhat contemplative, and Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Something on your mind?”

“Yes. Something occurred to me just now, but I am not certain how you will react to it.”

Jim frowns, shifting around a bit.

“Well, if you don’t ask, you’ll never know, now will you?”

“A fair point.” Spock takes a breath. “Would you possibly consider leaving some items here? Clothing, toiletries, the like?”

Jim’s heart skips a beat, another grin spreading across his lips.

“Really? You’d be okay with that?”

“You sleep over here several times a week when you do not have David, and the children have sleepovers every other week. It is only logical for you to keep clothing and toiletries here so that you are not constantly having to bring an away bag between our apartments.”

Jim beams at him, then leans in for a kiss, then another, and another.

“Mm, I- we should stop.”

“I fail to see why,” Spock replies before kissing him again.

“Because if we don’t, I’ll end up getting home after midnight at this rate, and I still don’t have any other clothes here.”

“You can borrow mine,” Spock replies, which makes Jim laugh against his lips.

“That’s sweet, but we absolutely don’t share the same size.” He rises up, then turns and gets out of bed, walking around to gather his clothes and put them on. 

He feels Spock’s eyes on him all the while, and he resists the urge to tease him- after all, he does actually need to be heading home, even if he doesn’t really want to.

When he’s dressed, he turns to see that Spock’s also gotten out of bed and gotten his bathrobe on. It’s tied in a way that shows off his chest hair, and Jim bites his lip before shaking his head.

“You’re not going to seduce me back into bed tonight, Spock.”

“I am doing no such thing,” Spock replies breezily. “I am simply making sure that you remember to bring your things over here.”

Jim laughs, then walks over to Spock, pulling him in by his waist.

“Believe me, I’m not likely to forget.”

---

Jim’s choking.

No, that’s not quite right: Jim’s being choked. He can feel each finger, tight around his throat and only getting tighter, and his vision is blurring, already dark at the edges. 

If he doesn’t get away from him, he’s going to die here.

What happens next is a blur of motion; he’s vaguely aware of himself kicking like there’s no tomorrow, but he’s not fully aware he’s made contact until the fingers are gone and air fills his lungs once more. 

“Stop!” He hears him scream. “Stop, you’re taking my air, you’re killing me!”

He’s on him again, but Jim manages to force him away. There’s a skittering sound against the tile, and when Jim opens his eyes he sees what made it.

A phaser.

They both dive for it, and everything’s a blur of motion and strikes, adrenaline pumping, desperation clouding his judgment, he feels his hand wrap around a hand and there’s a sudden shot, and he smells burning flesh.

There’s a corpse in front of him now. He’s seen corpses before, but this one… this one…

“Jim.”

Jim’s blood turns cold. He looks up to see Spock staring down at him.

He’s never seen Spock look so horrified.

“What have you done?”

Jim wakes up with a gasp, sweat pouring down his face. His heart hammers in his chest, almost like it’s trying to escape his body. He swallows, trying to force air into his lungs in a way that won’t make him hyperventilate. 

In… one… two… three… four.

Out… one… two… three… four.

Over and over.

The panic, eventually, recedes, though adrenaline still buzzes in his veins. 

That’s when the shame hits him like a truck. He swears, covering his eyes and trying to swallow back tears.

“Just- just a nightmare,” he reminds himself. “That’s all. Not real.”

Spock isn’t here. He’s alone.

And right now, he’s not sure if that’s good or bad.

Notes:

you can tell i like jim because i put him through emotional hell :D

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 38: offers

Jim swears under his breath as he checks the time, turning on the lights just to see a little better.

“Why the hell didn’t I leave my keys by the door?” He mutters, finally accepting that they’re not in the kitchen before heading for the living room. He drops down, squinting before he finally makes out the shape of his keys under the couch. “Ugh, there you are. How did you even get under there?”

It takes him a minute to fish the keys out from under the couch, and he’ll probably need to vacuum later thanks to the endeavor, but he manages it at the very least. Just as he gets to his feet and slips his keys in his pocket, though, his comm goes off. He checks the ID, groaning when he sees his mother on it.

“Shit.” For a second, he thinks about letting it go to voicemail, but he knows that if he does that she’ll worry. 

So he takes a breath, forces a smile, and picks up the call.

“Hey, Mom!”

“Hi, baby! How are you?”

“I’m doing alright. Listen, I don’t have a lot of time to talk-!”

“You don’t? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah it’s all good, I just…” Jim bites his lip, then clears his throat. “I have a date, actually.”

“Oh, with Spock?”

“Mm. And I don’t want to be late, so I don’t have a lot of time.”

“Well, I’ll make this quick, then. I actually wanted to talk to you about Spock.”

Jim blinks.

“Really? Why?”

“Well, summer break is coming up, so you both will have some time off, right?”

“That is typically how working in education works, yes.”

“Right, so I was thinking that perhaps you could talk to him about coming out to Iowa to meet your father and I.”

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

“I- really? I mean, do you think it’s been long enough?”

“You two started dating in what, February? It’s almost June, I think that’s plenty of time. You could schedule it so you could bring both of the kids with you, make a little vacation out of it.”

Jim clears his throat.

“I… I’ll talk to him about it.”

“Great! I’ll talk to you later, then. Love you, sweetheart.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Jim hangs up, then lets out a sigh before he starts walking toward the door.

He can ruminate on this later, when he’s not trying to organize his thoughts to talk to his therapist.

---

The next day, Jim heads to Spock’s office for lunch, as he always does. He finds Spock at his desk as he always is when it’s Jim's turn to grab their food, likely working on some last-minute revisions on his final exams. 

Jim leans into the doorway, smiling fondly. Just as he’s about to speak, though, Spock looks up from his computer. 

“Good afternoon, Jim,” he greets as he gets out of his chair.

“Afternoon,” he replies, walking into the room. “Ready for one last lunch date before every single student we have shows up to beg for extra credit?”

“I have told them all that extra credit is not a part of my classes,” Spock tells him as he takes his tub out of his hands.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna deter at least half of them.” Jim shrugs. “Might pick up some of the pamphlets for counseling from the student health building before Monday.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but nods. 

“I will consider it.” He then leans in, and Jim smiles briefly before moving to meet him in a kiss.

“Dr. Spock, are you available to speak-? Oh.”

They quickly pull apart, Jim’s cheeks heating even more when he sees who’s standing in the doorway.

“Dr. Adebayo,” he greets sheepishly. 

“Commander Kirk. I suppose I should have expected to see you here.” There’s no judgment in her voice, only amusement, but Jim blushes again anyway. “I was hoping to speak to you alone, Dr. Spock, but if you’re busy I can come back later.”

“I am available to speak now,” Spock replies. “My apologies, Jim.”

“No, no, it’s alright.” He reaches down, squeezing Spock’s wrist gently. “I’ll wait in my office with our food, alright?”

“That is acceptable.”

Jim squeezes his wrist again, then quickly takes Spock’s tub back and moves to his office.

He tries to distract himself; he’s hungry, but he doesn’t really want to eat without Spock, and well… he’s admittedly a little nervous.

Adebayo is the department head for the Sciences track, after all. There’s very few things she could want to talk about with Spock, and Jim’s got a pretty good idea what this particular conversation is about.

Fifteen minutes later, Jim’s made some minor (and probably unnecessary, though he doesn’t think they’re actively harmful) changes to the wording on his Tactics 101 final. He’s about to move on to his History of Starfleet final when he hears the door next to his office open.

“I look forward to hearing from you when you’re ready, Dr. Spock.”

“I will be certain to be in touch as soon as I am able.”

“I’m sure you will. Have a good afternoon.”

“You as well, Dr. Adebayo.”

Jim hears footsteps, and though he doubts that Adebayo would look into his office on her way back to her own, he does make an attempt to look busy just in case. 

A moment later, he hears a knock.

“Jim?”

Jim looks up at Spock, smiling. 

“Hey there,” he greets, getting up from his chair as Spock walks over and places his tub of food on it. “So…?”

Jim could swear that the corners of Spock’s lips twitch upward just a tiny bit.

“Dr. Adebayo has just offered me a full-time position at the Academy.”

A grin spreads over Jim’s lips.

“Spock, that’s wonderful!”

“It was expected,” Spock replies.

“That doesn’t mean it’s not wonderful,” Jim argues as he walks over to Spock’s side. He throws his arms around Spock’s neck and kisses him before he can argue. “Have you already accepted the offer?”

“In principle. I must first tender my resignation with the Vulcan Science Academy and have that resignation accepted before I can officially accept full-time employment here. I will also need to sell my home on Vulcan.”

Jim frowns.

“Will you have to go back to Vulcan to do that?”

“Thankfully, both can be accomplished remotely. I expect that I will be able to put pen to paper by the middle of July at the latest.”

Jim smiles.

“Glad to hear that you won’t have to go back so soon.” He clears his throat as he takes a step back. “Though I do have another potential trip to talk to you about.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“What sort of trip?”

“Well, I got a call from my mom yesterday. She was hoping that, since summer break is coming up, David and I could come visit.” He shifts his stance slightly. “And that maybe you and Saavik could come along too.”

Spock blinks, eyebrows rising.

“Indeed?”

“Yeah, uh, she thought we could make a whole trip of it with the kids.”

“I see. What do you think of her proposal?”

Jim shrugs. 

“I’m not against it, but I don’t feel overly strongly about it. We’ve been together a while, sure, but there’s no timeline on when you have to meet each other’s parents.”

Spock hums thoughtfully.

“I find that I am not automatically against the idea, but I would like some time to consider it, as well as discuss it with Saavik.”

“Do you think she’d be against it?”

“I am uncertain. She has mostly grown out of her shyness around others she knows well, but she can still be reticent to interact with new people. Additionally, there is the issue of her lack of speech. Are either of your parents versed in Federation Standard Sign?”

“Not that I’m aware of. There’s probably enough time for a crash course on the basics, at least.”

“That is true. Though at the very least, she will be able to come to David or you or I if she needs assistance and is unable to communicate with your parents.”

“Hopefully it won’t be necessary, but yeah. I’ll talk to them about it if you guys decide you wanna go. Though first I’ll need to figure out my schedule with Carol.”

“How long do you believe we will be staying?”

Jim snorts.

“If my mom had her way we’d be there the whole summer. Obviously that’s not happening for a number of reasons, not least of which is my custody agreement. Carol is flexible with custody, but not that flexible.”

“You would also need to have holo-appointments with your therapist.”

Jim stiffens, clearing his throat and glancing away.

“Yeah, that… that’d be less than ideal.”

“Is something amiss?”

“No, no, not exactly, just…” Jim clears his throat again. “My parents don’t actually know that I’m back in therapy.”

“You did not inform them?”

“No, uh… well, I’d say it hasn’t come up, but Mom actually called me on the way to therapy, and I told her that I was running late for a date with you so she wouldn’t keep me on the comm too long.”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Why would you not inform her then?

Jim sighs.

“Because my family gets… weird when I talk about going to therapy.”

Spock frowns.

“Are they unsupportive?”

“No, no, not at all.” Jim thinks over his words carefully. “No one’s ever said anything to me, but I can tell that whenever I talk about my panic attacks, they all feel guilty.”

“For what reason would they feel guilt?”

Jim swallows, then takes a breath.

“Because of Tarsus. Like I said, they’ve never said it directly to me, but I think they all blame themselves for me going there.”

“I recall you saying that your brother was going to be absent most of that summer, which was part of the reason your parents suggested you go to the summer camp on Tarsus. However, it is illogical for them to feel guilt regarding what occurred there. There was no way for them to know what would happen.”

Jim smiles sadly.

“I know that, Spock, and I’m sure they do too. But guilt’s not always logical, is it?”

Spock considers this.

“I suppose not. Have you told them that you do not blame them?”

Jim winces, clearing his throat.

“Well, I… not in so many words…”

“Why not?”

Jim sighs.

“I don’t know, I just… I don’t think any of us like talking about that period in our lives. It was…” he trails off, running a hand over his face. “I don’t know. It’s just not something I’ve ever been able to muddle through with my parents or Sam.”

“Is it something you would like to, as you said, ‘muddle through’ with them?”

Jim thinks about it for a minute.

“I mean, I’m not against it, it’s just that… I don’t like seeing them blame themselves, I guess.”

“I suppose I understand that. Perhaps it is something to discuss with Dr. Singh?”

“Maybe.” He looks over at their food. “We should probably eat, I don’t want to have to rush.”

Spock nods, and they move to sit on either side of Jim’s desk.

“So, have you started receiving final projects yet?”

“I have not, though I have received my first final paper.”

“How’s it looking?”

“So far I see several areas for improvement…”

---

“Aaaaaand done!” Jim declares as he presses submit on the grading portal. “That’s it, I’m done with grading for the semester.”

He looks over at Spock, who’s sitting on the other side of the bed with his PADD in hand.

“What about you?”

Spock taps his PADD a few times, then puts it down.

“I am also finished.”

Jim lets out a long groan, leaning his head onto Spock’s shoulder.

“Thank god. I’m so glad I don’t have to think about grading for the next few months.”

Spock leans into him, sighing softly. 

“I am also pleased that I will not have to spend time grading for the foreseeable future.”

Jim hums, then angles his head upward to kiss Spock’s jaw. To his surprise, Spock stiffens.

“Something the matter?”

“I… appreciate your interest, Jim, but I do not currently have the energy for physical intimacy.”

Jim blinks, then snorts.

“Oh, don’t worry, I don’t think I’ve got the brain power to do anything but cuddle right now.”

Spock relaxes slightly. He lays down, and Jim lays next to him, pulling the covers over their shoulders before pulling Spock into his arms. His shirt rides up a little, and he feels Spock’s fingers brush his skin.

“You are happy,” Spock notes.

“Course I am. I’ve got you in my arms, that’s practically happiness itself.”

He feels Spock’s cheeks heat against his throat, and he grins, but decides not to say anything, instead kissing his forehead.

For a little while, they simply hold each other, basking in the quiet after the stress of finals week.

Then Spock breaks the silence.

“Jim?”

“Mmhm?”

“I have given thought to the idea of visiting Iowa with you.”

Jim blinks.

“Oh.” His eyebrows rise. “Oh! Right, that.”

“You forgot?”

“In my defense it was finals week,” Jim replies. “What do you think?”

Spock hesitates for a moment.

“I have… some thoughts.”

“Oh. Is it about Saavik?”

“Yes, but as we already discussed that they are not the concerns I am speaking of.” Spock shifts, looking away. “Jim, I… my experience with meeting the parents of my partner is limited to a single instance, that being T’Pring’s parents. The first time was when I was seven, when we were initially bonded. They were… T’Pring’s parents wished for their daughter to wed a Vulcan of high stature. However, due to political issues between clans at the time, my family was the only one willing to agree to the bonding.” 

Spock is quiet for a moment. 

“Likewise, T’Pring’s family was the only family willing to bind themselves to a half-Human.”

There’s a tension to Spock’s shoulders. Jim reaches over, rubbing one of them gently.

“But…?”

Spock takes a breath.

“Despite their willingness to use me to connect our families, T’Pring’s parents were… displeased that their daughter was bonded to a half-Human. That the political issues that they had nothing directly to do with forced them to associate with someone who was not fully Vulcan in order to benefit from the bonding.” Spock exhales. “Her mother especially was not quiet about her dislike of me.”

“Oh, Spock. And you’re worried that it’ll be the same with my parents?”

“Vulcans do not worry.”

“Now, I know that’s not true.”

Spock is quiet again.

“I admit that I am… hesitant due to this past experience.”

Jim reaches up, cupping his cheek and running his thumb over it.

“I understand your hesitation. All I can say is I think I know my parents pretty well, and they’re likely to think you’re pretty great. They’re definitely not going to try and put you down at least: I’m pretty sure both of my grandmothers would come back from the grave to haunt them if they did that.” He shrugs. “Plus Carol would probably give them shit about it, and considering she’s their favorite child that’d scare them into behaving more than anything else.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Your ex-wife is their favorite child?”

“Yeah, by a lot. If it wasn’t for the distance I’m pretty sure Carol would hang out with my mom every week.” He strokes Spock’s cheek again. “But really, Spock, you don’t have to worry. Worst comes to worst, I’ll set them straight.”

Spock’s eyes widen fractionally. 

“You… would do that?”

Jim frowns.

“Of course, Spock. You’re important to me, and you deserve to be treated well by my family- oof!”

Jim suddenly finds himself being pulled into Spock’s arms, nearly crushed against his chest as Spock wraps himself around him. He taps on his back, and Spock loosens his grip, but only slightly. 

“Honey? You okay?” He asks.

Spock doesn’t answer. Jim frowns, rubbing his back.

“Sweetheart, what’s gotten into you?”

“I am fine.”

“You’re holding onto me like you’re afraid I’ll disappear if you don’t, I don’t think that’s quite ‘fine.’”

After a moment, Spock loosens his grip slightly. He slips back, not making eye contact.

“I… I apologize, that was inappropriate.”

“Spock, I’m not mad, I just want to know what’s going on with you.”

Spock is quiet for a long while, not meeting Jim’s eyes.

“It is… I do not blame her, but T’Pring did not… when her mother criticized me, she did not try to contest the things she said.” Spock shifts slightly. “I understand that her mother put her under an unbelievable amount of pressure, but it was still…”

“Oh, Spock.” Jim cups his cheek. “Look, she might have had her reasons, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve to have someone stand up for you.”

“It is more complicated than that,” Spock insists. “To an extent, deference to one’s parents, even in adulthood, is expected of all Vulcans.”

“Yeah, some Humans are like that too.”

“It is generally to a greater extent than even the most conservative of Human cultures would allow for. Personal insults are generally the line, but at that point the parent would be considered illogical.”

“And it’s not illogical to treat someone unkindly for something they can’t change, especially within the context of a betrothal they didn’t choose to be a part of?”

Spock goes quiet again, and Jim sighs.

“Look, my point is that whatever happened in the past, it isn’t something you should worry about now. I don’t foresee my parents being that unkind to you, and if they are I’ll set them straight. You don’t have to worry about them treating you badly with no repercussions.”

“And this will not damage your relationship with your parents?”

Jim shrugs.

“Like I said, I doubt it’ll come to that, but if it does then I’ll happily damage it, not only because I care about you, but because I wouldn’t want to be around them if they treated my partner badly.” 

Spock is quiet again for a moment.

“I still have some concerns, but I recognize that they are unlikely to come to pass based on what you have told me.”

Jim smiles, then leans in for a kiss. 

“I’ll bring it up with Carol when I pick up David tomorrow, then.” He pulls Spock against him. “Now, let’s get some rest, hm? I think we both deserve it.”

Spock’s only answer is a quiet purr.

Notes:

hope everyone who's prepping for finals or taking finals is doing well! ngl i am very glad i don't have to do that anymore lmao

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 39: meet the parents

“Daaaaaaad, are we almost there?”

“Still got about twenty minutes, bud,” Jim replies. “Turn left up here, Spock.”

David huffs, leaning back into his car seat.

“Why is the spaceport so far away from the farm?”

“Well, there are these things called zoning laws that make it so that places like farms and houses need to be a certain distance away from big transport areas. If they were too close, it’d make it hard for people to sleep because shuttles go at all times of the day and night.”

“But it takes forever to get to Nana and Grandpa’s house!”

“It takes thirty minutes.”

“Forever!”

Jim holds back a snicker, then turns his head.

“Oh, hey, that’s where I went to elementary school.”

Spock glances over at the building, then returns his gaze to the road. 

“The architecture is very different from the school I attended.”

“Really? What was that building like?”

“It was dome-shaped, with individual pits inside that we learned in.”

“Hm. Can’t say that would be an experience I would have enjoyed. Take the next left at the light.”

Spock does, and a new building comes into Jim’s view a few minutes later.

“There’s the supermarket I worked at for my first job. Spent an entire summer bagging groceries to save up for my first hovercar. It was a total piece of junk that barely ran, but it was mine and I was proud of it.” He snorts. “Though it was also the last car I owned that didn’t have autopilot, and for good reason.”

“I have noticed that you seem to prefer to engage that rather than driving manually.”

“Mm. Too many distractions for me, I’m afraid. Ah, we’re getting close to the river, the farm’s about ten miles away now.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jim sees Spock’s grip on the steering wheel tighten just a little.

“Nervous?”

“Vulcans do not get nervous,” Spock replies, which Jim interprets as “yes, but I don’t want to admit it.”

So, Jim decides not to press just this second, instead looking out at the road.

“Oh, hey, county fair’s in a couple days, totally forgot about that.”

“Would you like to go?”

“Sure, could be fun to do with the kids.”

“How come I’ve never been to the fair, Daddy?” David asks.

“You have, actually. You were a baby, though.”

David makes a face.

“That doesn’t count! I don’t remember being a baby!”

Jim chuckles.

“Then we’ll just have to make some new memories, hm?” He looks over at Spock. “All of us.”

He’s pretty sure he sees Spock do that little not-smile of his as he switches lanes.

---

Soon enough, they leave Riverside behind, driving past the closest neighboring farm and the forest on their way through. 

“I used to spend a lot of time there back when I was a kid,” he tells Spock as they turn toward the farm road. “Could probably still navigate through a lot of it now.”

“I was similarly adept at navigating the Forge as a child,” Spock tells him. “I spent much time there meditating.”

“Sounds relaxing.”

“Aside from the le-matya population, it was.”

Jim snorts.

“You were kinda fearless as a kid, huh?”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I am not certain you have much high ground here.”

“Oh, please, the most dangerous thing in the woods near my parents’ farm is poison ivy.” Jim turns his head, then grins. “Speaking of which, there it is up ahead.”

David gasps, pressing up against the glass.

“I see it! Saavik, look!”

Saavik makes a noise of acknowledgement that doesn’t sound quite as enthusiastic as David’s. Jim turns in his seat to see her staring at the stuffed whale she’d brought along for the trip. 

“You alright, Saavik?”

Saavik looks up, then furrows her brow, lips pinched in a frown.

“There’s nothing to worry about, sweetheart. This is going to be a lot of fun, I promise.”

Saavik still seems a little unsure, but nods. Jim smiles, then turns around just as Spock pulls onto the access road. It’s slightly bumpy, owing to the gravel, but it’s not quite as bad as Jim remembers it being.

“Just pull up behind my dad’s truck there, it’s the best place to park.”

Spock does as requested, coming to a stop a distance behind said truck. He puts the car in park, then unlocks the doors, but makes no move to get out.

“Spock?” Jim asks gently. “Still nervous?”

“I am fine,” Spock replies, still not making a move to get out. Jim smiles gently, putting a hand on his wrist.

“Want me to get the kids out?”

Spock hesitates, then nods.

“Me first!” David demands.

“You alright with that, Saavik?”

Saavik nods, then returns to fiddling with the whale.

Jim turns back to Spock, squeezing his wrist gently.

“Hey, look at me.”

Spock does so, and Jim knows him well enough to recognize the heavily disguised nerves in his eyes.

“You’re gonna do great. I know you will.”

Spock’s eyes widen fractionally, but Jim sees the corners of his lips twitch upward right before he gets out of the car.

Minutes later, Jim’s gotten David out of the car, though he doesn’t put him down right away.

“Remember, sweetheart, we’re going to approach the house as a group,” Jim says as he closes the car door. “Don’t go running up to the door ahead of us.”

“Aw, but Daddy.”

“No buts, kiddo. I want to make sure this isn’t overwhelming for Saavik, remember?”

Or Spock, he adds in his head.

David sighs overdramatically, but nods.

“Attaboy,” Jim says before putting David down and taking his hand. “Now, come on, let’s go get Saavik.”

“Kay!” 

They walk over to the other side of the car, and Jim lets go of David’s hand to open the door. 

“Hey there,” he greets Saavik. “Ready to get out?”

Saavik hesitates for a moment, then nods.

“Alright, missy, let’s get you out then.” Jim reaches in, unbuckling her seatbelt and pulling her out. “Got your whale?”

Saavik nods.

“Great. Spock, are you almost-?”

“NANA!”

Jim turns just in time to see David take off toward the house, where his mother has just opened the door. Belle bounds out behind her, tail wagging as if she’s trying to achieve flight.

“Oh, my darling boy!” His mother cries, bending over just enough to pick him up in a hug. “Oof! David, you’ve gotten big!”

“Uh-huh! I’m four now!”

Jim’s mother chuckles, grimacing a little as she puts him down. Belle is immediately on him, sniffing him as he giggles.

“I think someone missed you.”

“I missed you too Belle!” David says. “Sit!”

Belle sits, at which point David starts petting her. Her tail thumps rhythmically against the porch.

Jim’s mother laughs softly again, then looks up.

“Hey, sweetheart!”

“Hey, Ma.”

“Is that Saavik with you?”

“Yep. Saavik, can you wave at-?” 

Saavik immediately buries her face in Jim’s shirt, clinging to him tightly. Jim huffs, rubbing her back.

“Hey, now, it’s alright. I know you’re nervous, but remember, my mom’s very nice. And she’s been looking forward to meeting you, too. It’ll be alright.”

Saavik only shakes her head in response. 

“Sweetheart-!”

“May I?”

Jim jolts a little, looking up to see Spock standing right in front of him.

“Oh, uh, sure.”

With a bit of careful maneuvering, Jim hands Saavik off to Spock, who rubs her back gently and murmurs something in Vulcan. Saavik simply clings to him, burying her face in his sweater.

“This may take a moment. If you would prefer, you could go greet your mother.”

“You sure?”

“I am. We will join you shortly.”

“Well… alright, if you say so.” 

Jim touches Saavik’s back gently, just to reassure her, then heads up toward the house. 

“Is everything alright?” His mom asks once he reaches the porch.

“Yeah, uh- Saavik’s just a little shy around new people.”

“Not me!” David claims.

“Mostly adults she doesn’t know,” Jim amends. “She’ll be alright, she just needs a minute to adjust.”

“Poor thing. Well, hopefully she just needs a moment.” She turns to Jim, smiling. “Now, I’d like a hug from my baby boy.”

“Mom, I’m thirty-one,” Jim complains half-heartedly even as he opens his arms for a hug. She chuckles, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing.

“Oh, hush.” She pulls back, putting a hand on his cheek. “You’ll never grow out of being my baby, no matter how old you get.” 

“Ma,” he whines.

“I thought I was your baby, Nana.”

“You’re my baby too, David. So’s your uncle Sam.”

“How can we all be your baby?”

His mother smiles, pulling him in by her hip. 

“Because I love all of you very, very much.”

“Oh. Okay.” David considers this for a moment. “Who do you love the most, though?”

“David!” Jim exclaims.

“Sweetheart, it’s not a contest.”

“Oh.” David is quiet for a minute. “Is it me?”

“David!”

“May I inquire as to what this conversation is about?”

Jim looks up to see Spock ascending the staircase, Saavik still clinging to him.

“Nana said that Daddy and Uncle Sam and I are all her babies, but I wanna know who her favorite baby is.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, adjusting Saavik in his arms.

“I believe that may be a path that only leads to unpleasant emotions, David.”

“Oh. I guess you’re right.” David thinks for a moment, then looks up at Jim’s mom. “I’m your cutest baby, though, right?”

Jim’s mom barks out a laugh.

“Oh, you most definitely are.”

“Hey!” Jim protests jokingly.

“Sorry, kiddo, you got edged out by the little kid in this particular ranking system.”

Jim puts on a faux-pout, then chuckles before turning back to Saavik.

“You alright, kiddo?”

Saavik makes a noise into Spock’s shirt. Jim’s about to speak again when Belle trots up to them, sniffing at Saavik’s feet. She turns to look down at her, eyes wide.

“I can take her to the backyard if you want,” Jim’s mother offers. 

Spock opens his mouth to speak, then stops, looking down at Saavik, who signs for Spock to put her down.

“Are you certain?”

Saavik nods, and after a moment of hesitation, Spock does as requested. 

“Belle, sit,” Jim’s mom commands. Belle does, closing her mouth and remaining extremely still. “Let her sniff your hand first, alright?”

Saavik fists one of her hands in her overalls, brow pinched tightly. She then hesitantly lifts a hand towards Belle, pausing for a moment to let her sniff her hand before placing it on her snout. After a moment, she moves it up toward her brow, slowly petting her. Belle begins wagging her tail, which makes Saavik let out a surprised giggle. 

“See? Not so scary after all, huh?” Jim says. Saavik nods, moving to scratch behind Belle’s ear. She then looks up at Spock, whose eyebrows rise incrementally before he nods. 

“Very well.”

Saavik takes a step back as Spock takes one forward. He hesitates for a moment, then lets her sniff his hand. Belle does so for a long moment, then presses her nose against Spock’s fingers as if to request he pet her. He does so, and Jim smiles over at him.

“How’s it feel?”

“Somewhat similar to I-Chaya, though his fur was much more coarse, and of course he was several times her size.”

“I don’t think we could handle Miss Belle if she were much bigger,” Jim’s mom says. She holds up a ta’al. “I’m Winona, by the way. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Spock.”

She looks down.

“And you too, Miss Saavik.”

Saavik smiles, and Spock nods, returning the ta’al.

“I am pleased to meet you as well, Commander.”

“Just Winona is fine. We’ve got a surplus of ‘Commander Kirks’ around here as it is.”

“Speaking of which, where’s Dad?”

“In the garage. Now that he’s retired, he’s been working on restoring that old car again.”

“The one he’s been restoring since before I was born?”

“Yes, that one.” His mother sighs. “I suppose it’s good that it’s not just collecting dust.”

“Yeah, but we haven’t been able to use the garage for its intended purpose either.”

“Believe me, I don’t need any convincing.” She smiles. “But I’m sure he’d be more than happy to stop and see y’all instead.”

Jim nods, then looks down to see that David and Saavik have started petting Belle at the same time.

“Mom, let’s you and I go get him. Spock, can you keep an eye on the kids?”

Spock nods, and Jim walks with his mom towards the garage.

“He seems nice,” his mom comments.

“I think so too, though he’s admittedly a lot less serious around David and Saavik.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” his mom says before opening the door to the garage. Jim sees his father’s legs sticking out from under the red Corvette, an open toolbox nearby.

“George?”

“Hey, honey, can you do me a favor and hand me that wrench?” Jim’s dad asks. His mom opens her mouth to answer, but Jim interrupts her before she can speak, putting a hand on her shoulder and holding up a finger to his lips. She looks a bit surprised, then shrugs and takes a step back.

Jim grins, then walks over to the toolbox, grabbing the wrench before leaning down to hand it to him.

“Thanks, Win.”

“Nope, but you’re welcome anyway.”

His dad pauses, then rolls out from under the car, eyes wide.

“Jimmy?”

“Hey, Dad.”

His dad huffs, though there’s a smile on his face.

“The one time you’re early for something,” he says as he grabs the rag from his toolbox and wipes off his hands.

“We weren’t early, you lost track of time,” Jim argues. 

“Sure, sure,” his dad replies as he gets up. He pulls Jim into a hug, holding him tight. “It’s good to see you, kiddo.”

“Good to see you too, Dad.” He pulls back. “So you finally got back around to working on the car again, huh?”

“Yep. Still working on connecting the new engine, but it’s getting there.”

Jim glances over at his mother, who shrugs noncommittally. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” he says diplomatically. “But I left Spock with the kids, and I don’t think that’s his ideal vacation activity.”

His dad chuckles.

“Well, we’d better go rescue him, then.”

The three of them head out of the garage and toward the front of the house, where the kids are now running around with the dog under Spock’s supervision. David gasps when he catches sight of Jim’s dad.

“GRANDPA!” He yells, running towards them at a near-breakneck speed. Jim’s dad laughs, kneeling down to catch him and pick him up.

“Hey, tiger!” He grunts. “Geez, you’re getting heavy.”

“I’m four now!” David reminds him.

“I know! I can’t believe it, you were a little baby yesterday.” 

David giggles, then twists around in Jim’s dad’s arms. 

“Saavik! Come meet my grandpa!”

Saavik hesitates for a moment, then runs across the grass, slowing to a stop a few feet away. Jim sees his dad smile as he puts David down, then kneel to Saavik’s eye level.

“Hey there, Miss Saavik’s. It’s mighty nice to meet you in person. David;s told me a lot about you. You like to draw, right?”

Saavik nods.

“Well, I’d love to see one of those drawings sometime. That sound good to you?”

Saavik blinks, then smiles and nods.

Just then, Jim hears someone clear their throat. He looks up to see Spock, and he smiles, walking over to his side.

“Dad, this is my boyfriend, Spock.”

His dad smiles, standing up.

“Pleasure to meet you, Dr. Spock. Now, if I recall correctly, y’all don’t shake hands, right?”

“We do not.”

“Right, you’ve got your own thing. How’d that go… it’s this, right?” Jim’s dad holds up his hand, splitting his pinkie, ring, and middle finger in one direction and his pointer finger in the other.

Spock’s eyebrows rise a miniscule amount. Jim clears his throat, then quickly displays the proper ta’al to his dad.

“Ah.” He moves his middle finger over. “Sorry about that.”

“Apologies are unnecessary.” Spock raises a ta’al of his own. “I am pleased to properly meet you as well, Commander Kirk.”

“Now, I’m sure that I told you to call me George when we last spoke,” Jim’s dad replies, his tone light.

“That is true. I am pleased to properly meet you, George.”

“Same here, Dr. Spock.”

“Simply Spock is acceptable.” 

“Spock, then. Now, I’m sure y’all wanna get settled in, right?”

“That’d be great, thanks,” Jim replies. 

A few minutes later, they’ve managed to get everyone inside with their bags in tow.

“Alright, we’ve got David in Jimmy’s old room-!”

“YES!” David cheers, thrusting his fists into the air.

“I knew you’d be happy about that. Miss Saavik, you’re in Sammy’s old room.”

Saavik nods, then looks up at Spock.

“Saavik would like to know if Jim and Sam’s childhood bedrooms are near each other.”

“Right next to each other. They share a bathroom, actually.”

Spock seems… mildly surprised by this. Jim thinks about asking, but before he can his mother speaks once more. 

“And you two are in the guest room, of course.”

Again, Spock seems mildly surprised, but still doesn’t say anything. Instead, he picks up their bags, following Jim’s mom up the stairs. Jim does so as well, helping the kids with their bags as he does. 

“This one is yours, Saavik,” Jim’s mom says, pointing at Sam’s old room. Saavik nods, walking into the room and putting her bag down. 

“I will help you unpack later, Saavik,” Spock calls. 

Saavik flashes him a thumbs up, then moves to take her books out of her backpack.

“David, you’re in this one.”

“I got Dad’s room!” David cheers as he runs inside. There’s an ‘oof’ shortly after, accompanied by the sound of the bedsprings squeaking. Jim’s mom laughs, then turns toward him.

“And that one,” she says, pointing at the guest room across the hall, “is for you two.”

“Thanks Mom,” Jim says.

“Of course. I’ll let you all get settled, then.”

With that, she turns and walks back down the stairs. Jim gestures towards the room.

“After you.”

Spock nods, then walks into the bedroom, walking over to the dresser and setting his bag down on the chair next to it. Jim, meanwhile, walks over to the bed, dropping his bag next to it and taking a seat.

“Jim?”

“Mm?”

“Do you have a preference on which drawers you would like to claim?”

“Oh, pick whichever you want, I don’t usually use them.”

Spock frowns.

“You do not use the dresser while you are travelling?”

“Not typically, no. I hang up stuff that’ll get wrinkled, but I don’t really see the point in moving my underwear or my pajamas out of my bag. Plus, there’s every chance I’ll forget something in there, and I don’t really like the idea of my underwear being out there loose in the world.”

Spock tilts his head to the side, clearly perturbed, but seems to let it go, instead moving to migrate his clothes from his bag to the dresser. 

“You seemed surprised when my mom was doling out the room assignments,” Jim comments.

“I was not expecting that we would be given a room to share,” Spock replies.

“Oh?”

“For Vulcans, it is uncommon to sleep in the same bed as your partner when you are first hosted by their parents,” he explains. “From what I have read, it is not very common amongst most Human cultures either.”

Jim snorts.

“It’s not if you’re a college kid bringing your significant other home for the holidays, no. We, however, are in our thirties with children, and beyond that I’ve been married before.” Jim shrugs. “Though my guess is that my parents just didn’t want to set up the air mattress in the basement just for some outdated notion of propriety.”

“I suppose that is logical. Though they could have had the children share and you and I sleep in you and your brother’s room.”

“They could have, but again, that makes a lot less practical sense than just letting us share a room and letting the kids have their own.” Jim clears his throat. “Besides, the bed’s a bit… squeaky. Might have thought that would be a deterrent on its own, all things considered.”

“Ah. I see.” Spock clears his throat. “I was not planning on…”

“Oh, me neither. Too weird, what with my parents being right across the hall.” He winks at him. “Though if we ever get the house to ourselves…”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t outright turn him down, making Jim grin.

“Anyway, you also seemed a little surprised about the fact that the kids are sharing a bathroom.”

“Ah, yes. None of the rooms in my childhood home shared a bathroom. I had not considered that that would not be the case here.”

“I see. Well, this is still a pretty big house for the area, but it’s definitely not as big as the home of nobility. A lot of my friends shared rooms with their siblings, so I was considered lucky to have my own at all.” Jim shrugs. “Though I suppose it doesn’t really matter in your case.”

“How so?”

“Well, you’re an only child. Your bathroom would have solo been yours no matter once.”

To Jim’s surprise, Spock goes a bit rigid, angling his eyes away. Jim frowns.

“Everything alright?”

Spock hesitates, but just as he opens his mouth to speak there’s a knock on the door.

“Hey, how’s it going in here?”

Jim looks over at his mom, raising an eyebrow.

“Uh, fine. We’re not quite settled in yet, though.”

“Oh, I know. I was just coming up to tell you that there’s snacks downstairs if you want any. The kids are already having some.”

“Well, uh, thanks for the offer, but-!”

“A snack would not be amiss,” Spock interrupts. 

Jim’s eyebrows rise as he looks over at him.

“Really? I’ve never known you to be much of a snacker.”

“I indulge on occasion, though very rarely.”

Jim frowns, then shrugs.

“Well… alright, if you say so.”

Spock nods, then moves to follow Jim’s mom into the hallway.

Jim can’t help but notice how tense his shoulders are. The conversation they were having before his mom knocked re-enters his brain, which makes him frown, but he decides to table it for now; if it makes Spock tense up like that, it’s probably a better conversation to have in private.

Even if he does want to know why sharing a bathroom with a sibling confused him like that.

Notes:

this chapter is dedicated to my brother’s cat, who did not want me to write it judging on how many times tried to sit on various parts of my body while i was working on it while cat-sitting. love you shug!

Chapter 40: chickens, soup, and board games

Jim tries not to laugh at the dubious look on Spock’s face as he examines the snack they’ve been given.

“It’s not gonna bite, hon.”

“Obviously not,” Spock replies, “but I fail to see why it has been given the name it has.”

“What, ants on a log?”

“Yes. There are, as you explained to Saavik, no ants involved in this.”

“No, but- well, the raisins kind of look like ants, don’t you think?”

“Not in the slightest.” 

Jim huffs, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

“Well, it’s not meant to be a literal representation, Spock. It’s supposed to be cute.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but seems to finally accept the explanation, taking a bite and chewing thoughtfully.

“... it is acceptable,” he decides after a moment.

Jim snorts, then takes a bite of his own just as his mom walks back into the kitchen.

“How are you two enjoying your snack?”

“It’s great, Mom,” Jim replies. “Thanks for doing this.”

“Oh, of course. I remember when you were little, you always loved having a snack when you came home from school.” She shrugs. “Obviously, this isn’t quite the same, but I thought you’d appreciate it. Not just because then you wouldn’t have to deal with a couple of hungry tots.”

“I definitely appreciate that.” Jim swallows the last of his snack, then grabs a napkin. “So, anything else on the docket for today before dinner?”

“Actually, I’ve got a surprise for the little ones if you’re both alright with it.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“A surprise? Mom, we’ve talked about not giving David sweets before dinner.”

“I have a similar policy with Saavik,” Spock adds.

“It’s not candy, Jim.” She smiles. “It’s in the coop, actually.”

Realization dawns on Jim, and a grin spreads across his lips. He turns to Spock, telling him what his mother has in mind. Spock thinks on it for a moment, then nods.

“I believe that Saavik would enjoy that.”

Jim’s mom smiles, then turns to the living room, where Jim’s dad is nodding along as David explains the intricacies of the show they’re watching- some sort of superhero thing, Jim thinks.

Jim’s pretty sure his dad understands none of it, but he does appreciate him trying.

“Kids!” She calls. “You wanna see something cool?”

“Yes!” David answers, immediately abandoning the holovision in favor of running over to his grandma. Saavik follows behind, looking curious.

“Follow me, then.”

She walks over and opens the back down, at which point David gasps, clearly having realized what they’re doing.

“CHICKIES!” He yells, taking off toward the coop.

“David!” Jim calls as he starts running after him. “David, don’t run in there, you’ll freak out the chickens!” 

David, of course, doesn’t listen, and Jim only barely manages to catch him before he storms into the coop and causes a riot amongst the poor hens. 

“Daaaaaaad!” David whines, trying to wriggle out of Jim’s grasp.

“Honey, if you freak out the chickens, they won’t let you see the chicks at all, remember?”

David pouts, but stops wriggling just as the rest of the group approaches. 

“Well, seems like you’ve figured out the surprise!” Jim’s mother says. “They just hatched a few days ago. It’s just about yard time for our ladies, so I thought it would be fun to let y’all see them.”

She looks over at Saavik.

“Have you ever seen a chick before, Saavik?”

Saavik hums, then nods.

“She has seen them in books and in various other visual media,” Spock clarifies. “She has not seen one in person.”

“Well, get ready to change that.” With that, she slides open the door. “Come on in, they’re all really friendly.”

“Daddy, please?”

“Be calm,” Jim reminds him before putting him down. Thankfully, David seems to take that to heart, walking in after Jim’s mom instead of running inside like Jim feared. Saavik, on the other hand, seems a little more cautious, looking up at both Jim and Spock with her brow pinched. “It’ll be alright, I promise. Just stay calm and do what my mom tells you, okay?”

Saavik still seems hesitant, but nods, following David and Jim’s mom inside. 

“Alright, first things first, we gotta ask mama if it’s alright,” Winona instructs. “Luckily, she’s very easily won over. I’ll handle it this time, since she knows me best…”

A few minutes later, Henrietta has been thoroughly bribed with her favorite seeds, and Jim’s mom is filling both David and Saavik’s cupped hands with seeds. 

“Now, if you just lower your hands- no, sweetheart, don’t uncup them- yes, that’s perfect, like that. They’ll come right to you like that.”

Minutes later, both Saavik and David are giggling over the chicks in their hands. 

“They’re so cute!” David coos. 

“Remember to be gentle,” Jim tells him.

“I knoooooow!” David pauses, then looks up. “Mister Dr. Spock, you should hold one too!”

Spock blinks, seeming surprised. 

“I… am uncertain about that.”

“It’s easy! And fun! You should do it!”

Spock hesitates, glancing over at Jim. Jim shrugs in response.

“It is fun,” he tells him.

Spock thinks for a moment, then nods.

“Very well, then.” 

Jim’s mom smiles and instructs Spock through it, and soon enough Spock’s holding a chick of his own.

“Am I meant to do anything?” Spock asks.

“Just keep your hands cupped like that, it should be fine.” 

Spock still seems unsure, but before he can say anything the chick turns in his hands, peering up at him.

“Hello,” he says.

The chick chirps as if in response, and the corners of Spock’s lips twitch upward, his expression going soft.

Jim’s heart skips a beat, a grin spreading over his lips.

“Is something amusing?” Spock asks.

“Nah, you’re just cute,” Jim replies.

A green flush spreads over Spock’s cheeks, and Jim can hardly keep from chuckling.

Not for the first time does a certain four letter word occur to him.

---

Later, when both the kids and the chickens have grown tired of each other, they shuffle back into the house, the kids returning to the living room to draw with Jim’s dad once they’ve washed their hands.

“That was a pretty good surprise, Mom,” Jim tells her.

“Thank you, I do my best. I hope you enjoyed yourself too, Spock.”

“It was an interesting experience.”

“That means yes,” Jim explains, grinning when Spock gives him a look.

Jim’s mom laughs. 

“I do actually have one more surprise,” she says as she walks into the kitchen.. 

“Oh?”

“Mmhm. It was a little harder to set up than I initially thought it would be, had to drive all the way to the city to get it- you know, I never thought that our local markets were limited until now, but they really don’t have a lot of non-Earth produce.”

Jim blinks, then frowns.

“Why would you need that?”

His mother grins at him, then opens up the refrigerator.

“Well, how else are we gonna have plomeek soup tonight?”

Jim blinks, then glances over at Spock, who seems a bit surprised.

“Something the matter?” Jim’s mom asks, her smile slipping away.

Jim clears his throat.

“Uh, well, Mom, it’s… plomeek soup isn’t really a dinner food.”

His mom blinks.

“It’s- what?”

“It is typically served in the morning,” Spock explains. 

“Wh- the recipe didn’t say anything about that,” his mom murmurs. 

“You sure? I’ve looked it up and most of the recipes I’ve seen for it mention that it’s a breakfast food.”

“No, no, I’m sure it didn’t,” his mom says as she gets her comm out of her pocket. “Here, come look.”

Jim walks over to her, then peers over her shoulder.

“... Mom, could you possibly scroll up a little?”

She does, and then stops.

“... ah.”

“Yeah, see, it says right there- ‘traditional Vulcan breakfast item.’”

“Well, who reads the long blurbs before the recipe?” She mutters before looking up at Spock. “I’m sorry, Spock. I hope I haven’t offended you.”

“Not at all,” Spock replies; Jim’s a little relieved to hear just a hint of amusement in his voice. “Allegedly, my maternal grandmother also made the same mistake when my mother brought my father to meet her parents. I believe the term ‘breakfast for dinner’ is applicable here?”

Jim’s mom laughs a little, clearly relieved.

“Yeah, I think we can do that.”

---

Dinner is a pretty relaxed affair. David is jazzed about the whole ‘breakfast for dinner’ thing, even if it’s not exactly the waffles he’d have picked. Saavik, on the other hand, seems a little confused by the concept, but goes with it anyway. Most of the dinner conversation is typical “getting to know the parents” stuff: how they met, what Spock does for a living, that sort of thing. 

Jim’s relieved that they seem to get on well enough. He wasn’t overly worried they wouldn’t approve, but it’s nice to know that they don’t have another Casey Farmer on their hands.

Somehow he can hear Sam groaning about him not letting that one go.

Once dinner is done, Jim’s mom suggests a board game, pulling out an old favorite of the family. As Jim expected, Spock gets to reading the manual while they set it up.

“Alright, board’s all set up. Everybody pick a piece and put it next to your teammate’s.”

“Jim, I have found nothing in the rules about a ‘team’ version of this game,” Spock says, brow furrowed as he looks through the rules booklet.

“Well, it might not be officially sanctioned, but I assure you, this is a ruleset that my family’s been using for generations. This way, everyone can play, regardless of whether or not they can read.”

Spock seems unsure, but nods before looking down at Saavik.

“What piece would you like?”

Saavik makes a sound of consideration, then points to the cat piece. Spock nods, picking it up and grabbing the bird piece to represent himself. David picks the dog piece, while Jim picks up the lion, leaving the fish and the horse to his parents.

“Now, we roll for who goes first.” Jim reaches over the board, holding out the dice to Saavik. “Here you go, kiddo. Youngest rolls first.”

“The rules stated that the player seated at the north end of the board would roll first, then continue in a clockwise-!”

“Spock,” Jim interrupts. “Just trust the house rules for me, will you?”

Spock seems a bit perturbed, but acquiesces. Saavik rolls, then has to reroll when one of the dice lands cocked on its side. Spock raises an eyebrow at this, but doesn’t say anything, instead helping her move her piece on the board. David goes next, followed by Jim, then Spock, then Jim’s dad, and finally his mom. From there, they get to playing, conquering, trading, and warring over the available land on the board.

Saavik seems to enjoy the game the most out of anyone- in fact, Jim would say she’s a little ruthless in how she conquers and steals parts of the board from other players. 

“Perhaps we could try trade instead?” Spock suggests at one point.

Saavik’s only reply is a vigorous head shake before she turns their forces on Jim’s parents and steals their port. 

Jim has to try very hard not to laugh at the look on Spock’s face. His mom has no such luck, hiding her face as she laughs.

In the end, Spock and Saavik win, though only barely after Jim, David, and Jim’s parents strike up an alliance to try and keep them from getting a majority of the board under their control. They decide to move on to a game of Uno, wherein everyone plays by themselves. 

“Okay, this is starting to feel targeted,” Jim says after the third time he’s forced to draw three cards from the deck. 

“I am certain it is only a coincidence,” Spock replies as Jim puts down a card. He then puts down his own card, which reverses the order so that Jim has to play again. Jim looks down, then groans, pulling another card from the deck, then another. “As was that.”

“Uh-huh, sure.” Jim puts down a card, at which point David puts down yet another reverse card. “Hey!”

David giggles, and his own parents laugh too, making Jim huff.

“At least Saavik isn’t trying to sabotage me,” he mutters before looking up at her. He then sees her struggling to keep her eyes open. “Ah. That’s probably why.”

Spock looks down, then glances over at the clock.

“We will have to suspend this game. It is nearly time for Saavik to go to bed.”

Saavik lets out a whine before her head droops again.

“I understand that you wish to play, Saavik, but you will be more comfortable sleeping in a bed than sleeping on the living room floor.”

Saavik huffs, and Jim chuckles.

“You know, Saavik, if you fall asleep out here you don’t get a bedtime story.”

Saavik’s head pops up, and she immediately turns to Spock, signing that she wants a bedtime story.

“Daddy, I wanna listen to the bedtime story too!” David says, running over to him.

“Bud, your bedtime’s not for half an hour.”

“I wanna listen to the story!” He repeats. 

Jim thinks about it, then shrugs. 

“Well… alright, but if you wake up early you have to stay in your room.”

“What if I have to go potty?”

“You can do that, just don’t go downstairs or into anyone else’s room.”

“Can I go into Saavik’s room if she’s awake too?”

“Saavik and I will likely be meditating by the time you wake up,” Spock tells him. 

“What if I wake up super super early?”

“Then you should remain in your bed and count as high as you can.”

“Okay. Then can I get out of bed and go see Saavik?”

Before either Spock or Jim can reply, Saavik lets out a whine, laying down across Spock’s lap.

“I think that means no more hypotheticals,” Jim says. “You still wanna go to bed now?”

“Yes!” David replies.

Jim shrugs.

“Well, alright then.” He gets up at the same time as Spock, who adjusts Saavik in his arms. He glances over at his parents, frowning at the smile they’re sharing. “Something you two want to share?”

“Oh, no, not at all,” his mom replies breezily, smiling into her wine glass as she takes a sip. “You four go on ahead, we’ll clean up out here.”

“Well… alright. David, say good night to Nana and Grandpa.”

David hops up, running over and giving both of his parents a hug.

“Good night! I love you!”

“Good night, sweetheart.”

“We love you too, tiger.” His dad looks up, smiling. “And good night to you too, Saavik.”

Saaviks hums sleepily, snuggling into Spock’s shoulder.

Jim herds David upstairs as Spock carries Saavik up to her room. They run through their routines separately, though David and Saavik insist on brushing their teeth at the same time. David also insists on seeing Saavik as she’s being tucked into bed, hopping up on the bed to give her a hug.

“Alright, bud, time for bed. I’ll see you in the morning, Saavik-!”

Saavik interrupts with a whine, sitting up and moving her hands quickly.

I want a story!

“Well, of course, honey. Your dad will-!”

She whines and shakes her head again.

No! I want a story from you.

Jim blinks. 

“Oh, well… I mean, I could come back after I read to David, but it could be a little while.”

“Daddy should read the story to both of us!” David insists.

“You sure, bud? One of you’ll have to move after.”

“That’s okay, you can carry me.”

“Well… alright. Just me, though?”

David and Saavik both nod.

“Mister Dr. Spock doesn’t do the voices right,” David tells him. Saavik nods again.

Jim barely holds back a surprised laugh, pressing his lips together as he looks over at Spock.

“Well, I suppose if he doesn’t do the voices right…”

Spock raises an eyebrow at him, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he moves over to Saavik, pressing his forehead to hers.

“Good night, Saavik.”

Saavik hums in response, then snuggles back against her pillow. 

“Good night, David,” Spock says as he moves away from her. To Jim’s surprise, David hops off the bed, dashing over to Spock and wrapping his legs in a hug.

“Good night!” He says. Spock seems a little startled, but the corners of his lips still twitch upward as he gently touches the top of David’s head. David smiles up at him, then hops back up on the bed. 

“I’ll join you downstairs in a little while,” Jim tells Spock. Spock nods, then leans in for a quick kiss.

“I await your return,” he replies, and Jim smiles at him, pulling him in for another kiss before he leaves the room.

“Now, where were we in Winnie the Pooh?”

“Pooh was stuck in Rabbit’s house!” 

“Ah, yes, now I remember…”

---

Saavik conks out right around when Pooh and Piglet start following the tracks in the next chapter. David’s not far off himself by that point, dozing on the end of the bed. Jim smiles as he puts the book on her nightstand, then leans over and presses a kiss into Saavik’s hair.

“Good night, sweetheart,” he says quietly. Saavik sighs in her sleep, clutching her whale a little tighter. Jim gets off the bed, gathering David up in his arms and carrying him out of the room. 

“Mmmdaddy?” He mumbles as Jim tucks him in.

“Yes, honey?”

“Today was fun,” he says quietly. Jim smiles, ruffling his hair.

“Yeah, it was a lot of fun. You get some sleep so tomorrow can be fun too, okay?”

“Mmhm.” He yawns. “Love you.”

“Love you too, David.” He leans in, kissing his forehead, then gets up and heads downstairs.

“... and this is when his soccer team won their first tournament- that would have been when he was about seven. We’ve still got his little trophy somewhere.”

Jim resists the urge to groan as he descends the last few steps, folding his arms across his chest once he crosses the threshold into the living room.

“Really, Mom? You couldn’t have waited until I got back from putting the kids down to break out the baby pictures?”

“No, because you would have whined about it.”

“I wouldn’t have whined, I would have very reasonably made my objections clear,” Jim says as he walks over to stand behind the couch.

“Uh-huh.” His mother turns the page. “Oh! I remember this, this is when we took the boys over to the lake. My family has a cabin up there. Sam would have been thirteen, and Jim, you were around eight.”

Spock turns the page, then raises an eyebrow.

“Jim, why is your brother chasing you with an orange bottle in this photograph?”

Jim leans over the back of the couch, then chuckles.

“Ah, well, I didn’t want to stay still long enough to get sunscreen applied. Now, normally I don’t think Sam would have cared, but Mom wouldn’t let him go hang out with the girl he’d met at the rec center the previous night until I had sunscreen on. Thus, he chased me around with the sunscreen for about ten minutes until he finally managed to tackle me into the sand and make me put it on.” Jim shrugged. “I managed to get out of getting it reapplied, so I still ended up a little sunburnt.”

Jim’s dad laughs.

“‘A little’ is underselling it, you were pink for the entire day after!”

Spock raises an eyebrow, then turns the page. Immediately, something in his expression softens. Jim peers over to see that he’s turned to a picture of a five-year-old Sam holding him as a baby. It’s juxtaposed with a picture of Sam in his high school cap and gown and a thirteen-year-old Jim standing next to him. 

“Aw, now, this is my favorite,” Jim’s dad says. “You two used to be so cute, you know that?”

“Hey, I’m still cute!” Jim turns to Spock. “Right, Spock?”

Spock doesn’t answer him, still staring at the photos. Jim frowns, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Honey?”

Spock blinks, then looks up.

“I apologize, Jim, did you say something?”

“Well, I asked if you thought I was still cute, but- you alright? You seem distracted.”

Spock stiffens slightly, clearing his throat.

“I am fine. To answer your question, I do think you are, as you say, ‘cute,’ but I believe my meaning is different from your father’s.”

Jim’s parents laugh at that, and Jim does smile, but he doesn’t quite feel like laughing, even as Spock turns to the next page.

“Oh, this one was when we went to Christmas at my mom’s in Chicago. It was such a lovely time…”

The conversation flows on, but Jim finds himself still staring at Spock. For a while, he’s not sure why until they turn to another picture of him and Sam as kids and he gets that strange look again.

This time, he sees it for what it is: sadness, close to outright grief. 

He reaches over, placing a hand on Spock’s wrist. Spock looks up at him, seeming slightly startled before his expression goes back to pure neutrality. 

He doesn’t look sad again for the rest of the album.

Notes:

happy pride month!

(and also happy end of my state's legislative session, because oh my god i cannot take these fuckers doing more bullshit)

thank you all so much for 700 kudos! comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 41: siblings

Notes:

tw: referenced disowning, xenophobia

Spock breathes in, then out, lying still with his eyes closed as he attempts to drift into unconsciousness.

He has to admit, it is not going well. His evening meditation was not as successful as it could have been, and thus the events of the day still weigh on his mind.

Specifically, looking at the Kirk family photo album. 

Spock tightens his grip on the comforter a minute amount.

He should not have reacted so visibly. Doing so was a failure on his part, especially at his age.

No matter how painful looking at those photos was, he should not have been so visibly… saddened.

Now, Jim thinks something is wrong.

He exhales softly.

He must admit, there is a part of him that had hoped he would never have to tell Jim. There was little chance of him finding out from any member of Spock’s family, and Spock…

Until now, Spock was content not speaking of them.

But now Jim knows that there is something. Perhaps he will let it go, but there may be a niggling curiosity in his mind, and he knows how Jim is about curiosity.

He is, admittedly, the same way. 

So. They will likely have to talk about it.

And thus Spock cannot sleep, because now he must discuss something painful and that is… difficult.

Of course, the other part of the reason that he cannot sleep is Jim himself.

Specifically, the fact that he is tossing and turning next to him. The bed creaks as he does so for the eighth time in the past ten minutes, the blanket shifting as he pulls it up over his shoulder. If Spock has deduced the pattern correctly, he will begin grumbling in approximately three minutes, then turn again. 

And so, Spock tries to relax, tries to lull himself into sleep before Jim can move again.

For a moment, there is silence.

Unfortunately, it is only a moment, as it seems Jim has already decided this sleeping position does not work and is grumbling as he prepares to move for a ninth time.

Spock lets out a sigh.

“Jim, your tossing and turning is making it difficult for me to sleep.”

Jim freezes mid-turn. 

“Ah.” Jim clears his throat. “Sorry, I… thought you’d fallen asleep already.”

“I have not.” He turns onto his side. “You usually do not have such trouble getting comfortable.”

Jim huffs, turning to look at Spock.

“Yeah, well, the bed here isn’t as comfortable as the ones at your apartment or mine. It’s too soft.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I thought you had slept on this mattress previously.”

“In this room, yes, but Mom and Dad replaced this mattress since the last time I slept here.” Jim sighs. “Sorry. Hope it’s not too bad for you.”

“I have little issue with mattress firmness when it comes to sleep.” Spock hesitates. “Though I… am having some trouble sleeping outside of your discomfort.”

Jim frowns.

“Are you alright?”

Spock hesitates again, then takes a breath.

“I recognize that it is late, but… I would like to discuss what happened earlier.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise before his eyes soften.

“Is this about you freezing up when I mentioned you were an only child? And then looking sad at the pictures of me and Sam?”

Spock tenses.

“I… yes. There is… I have omitted some things.”

Jim frowns.

“Why?”

“They are… I am sure you are aware that my family is… complicated. I was unsure how to bring it up.” 

Jim shifts around in bed.

“Okay, well, do you want to talk about it?”

Spock hesitates.

“Not particularly, but I believe the matter is pertinent enough that it would be worse not to discuss it.”

“If you’re sure. Tell me.”

Spock is quiet for a long moment, then takes a breath.

“As things stand, I am effectively an only child,” Spock begins, “but growing up, I had two siblings, both older than I.”

He hears Jim takes a short, sharp breath.

“What do you mean, you ‘had’ siblings?” He asks quietly.

Spock breathes in, then out.

“When I was six, my parents took in a Human girl after her parents were killed. Her name was Michael, and she was four years older than me.” He shifts slightly. “She was… the closest thing I had to a friend. Due to our ages, there was little she could directly do about the way my peers treated me, but she was still there for me when I needed someone to talk to, or when I wanted someone to play with.”

Jim’s expression softens. 

“And your other sibling?” He asks.

“Before he met my mother, my father was wed to another woman. From that union came his first son, Sybok.” Spock shifts slightly. “He came to live with us two months after Michael arrived in order to attend classes at the Vulcan Science Academy. He was eleven years older than me, but he was kind, and encouraging, if not… strange.”

“How so?”

“Sybok did not follow typical Vulcan spiritual beliefs, nor did he subscribe to the notion that the path of logic as the ideal path for a Vulcan.” Spock looks away. “Those beliefs made him an outcast too, despite the fact that he was brilliant- he finished his secondary schooling a year early, and was still among the top of his class at the Vulcan Science Academy. He would have had his pick of paths in life had he remained, anything from scientific endeavors to politics to even spiritual leadership. For a time, I thought the last would be what he would choose, though he never seemed as enthusiastic about it as I would have thought.”

He is quiet for a moment.

“Looking back on it, I realize that he was often under an immense amount of stress. He did not like being in school, despite his academic prowess, and struggled to find peace in that environment.” He shifts again. “But I did not know that at the time. All I saw was his self-assuredness, his steadfast confidence in who he was and who he wanted to be. I admired him for that. I believe Michael did as well.”

He takes a breath.

“For a time, we had each other. Living on Vulcan was difficult for all three of us, but being able to rely on each other helped soothe the ache.” Spock moves his hand to his pillow. “For six months, we had each other.”

“... what happened after six months?”

Spock takes a breath.

“As you might imagine, Sybok and my father did not get along. They were so diametrically opposed in their beliefs and personalities that at times it was almost comical.” He sighs. “Though for the most part, it was only stressful.”

Jim snorts.

“I can imagine. Sam and my dad fought pretty constantly when we were young, as you know.”

Spock nods, then stops to think for a moment.

“One day…” He trails off, then takes another breath. “One day, shortly after he turned eighteen, Michael and I returned home from school to find Sybok packing his things.”

Spock’s grip on his pillow tightens.

“To this day, I do not know what made Sybok finally leave. He would not tell us, and my father has refused to speak of Sybok or anything relating to him in more than the vaguest of terms since the day he left.” Spock breathes in, then out. “But he said that he could not stay in that house another minute. No matter how Michael and I tried to change his mind, begged him not to go, he would not stay.”

Spock is quiet for a moment.

“He told us… he told us that he loved us, and then he left. The last I heard of him was a month later, when T’Pau informed Father that he had left the planet.” He swallows. “I do not know what happened to him, where he is now, or if he is even still alive.”

“Spock…” Jim swallows, then rubs Spock’s forearm gently. “What about your sister?”

Spock goes quiet again.

“After Sybok left, I… was lost.” He exhales. “I understand now that he was all but a child himself at the time, but I was barely seven when he left. To me, he was one of a very small number of adults that I felt I could trust not to look down on me for being half-Human. Losing him was crushing, and I did not handle it well.”

“Sweetheart, you were seven and your brother abruptly left. I don’t know how anyone could have expected you to handle that well.”

Spock doesn’t speak for a moment.

“My father did,” he says softly. “He never said so directly, but he was very clearly displeased by my inability to control any emotional outbursts I had over Sybok leaving.”

Jim clenches his jaw, and Spock feels a spark of anger from him. He is unable to keep from tensing, which is when he feels a brief flash of guilt from his touch.

“Sorry, not mad at you. I’m mad at him. He’s an asshole, Spock.”

“You do not even know my father.”

“Don’t need to know him to know that treating your kid the way he treated you was wrong. You were still so young, Spock. Expecting you to handle someone you loved leaving your life well is just unrealistic at best.”

Spock is unsure how to respond to that, so he does not.

“After Sybok left,” he begins after a moment of silence, “my sister and I grew apart. While we had a relationship independent of Sybok, losing him… I was afraid to be close to anyone after he left. I sometimes wonder if the same was true for her. We never discussed it.”

He breathes.

“We both threw ourselves into our studies, to great success- historically significant, in Michael’s case.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like Sybok, Michael is also brilliant. She kept up with, and outpaced, her Vulcan cohort throughout her schooling. To date, she is the only Human to have attended the Vulcan Science Academy, and graduated at the top of her class having received the Vulcan Scientific Legion of Honor.” Spock inhales, then exhales. “Much less than that would have permitted a Vulcan to join the Vulcan Expeditionary Group.”

Spock’s jaw tightens.

“However, in spite of all that she achieved, her application was rejected. As it is not required, no reason was given, but my mother was convinced that it was because she was Human.” Spock grips the pillow. “Still, it did not matter. The rejection was final, and Michael was…”

Spock closes his eyes, forcing back the memory of listening to her sob next to her bedroom door.

“What happened after that?”

Spock’s stomach twists, and he takes a breath.

“My father used his connections to secure her a position onboard the USS Shenzhou.” He hesitates. “She was… I am uncertain that she was given enough time to process the change, and thus was not entirely pleased with it being forced upon her.”

He grimaces.

“I… some days before she was set to leave, I overheard her speaking to our mother about the assignment.” He takes a breath. “She was displeased, thinking of it as less in comparison to a VEG assignment, and I… I became angry.”

Spock tries not to flinch when he feels Jim’s shock on his skin. 

“Angry? You?”

“Yes. I am not proud of it, but I entered the room and accused her of being ungrateful- both for the opportunity and for everything our father had done for her.” He swallows. “We fought, and once we were forced to separate, we did not speak again.”

He grips his pillow.

“We have not spoken since that day.”

Jim is quiet for a long while. Spock can feel him thinking his words over carefully, though he does not parse any specific thoughts.

“Why did you get so angry?” Jim finally asks softly.

Spock hesitates, then closes his eyes and takes a breath.

“Because three days before this incident, I had declined my own acceptance to Starfleet Academy.”

Jim blinks before his eyes go wide.

“Wait, you… you applied?”

“I did. I had… since I was quite young, I had wanted to be a part of Starfleet.” Spock breathes in, then out. “I applied to both the Academy and to the VSA, and was accepted to both. I then made a mistake.”

“What kind of mistake?”

“I told my mother that I was considering both options. Presumably, she informed my father, as I was then taken aside three separate times by him, my grandfather, and Lady T’Pau.” He swallows. “Each of them expounded upon me the importance of my position in Vulcan society: with Sybok disowned, I was the only eligible heir to my House. With that comes a duty to give back to Vulcan society. My grandfather chose to work within our culture, and documented the lives of hundreds of historical figures. My father chose politics, and created stronger bonds with both the Federation and other worlds within it. And as my talents laid in scientific endeavors, the place for me was obviously with the Vulcan Expeditionary group.”

“You could have furthered scientific knowledge within Starfleet,” Jim argues. 

“I made the same argument, but each pointed out that my discoveries would benefit the entire Federation, rather than Vulcan.”

“Isn’t it the same thing? We’re a federation, we share knowledge and resources.”

“In the eyes of many Vulcans, it is not the same thing.”

“That doesn’t seem all that logical to me, Spock.”

Despite himself, Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“Perhaps.” His amusement fades, shame quickly replacing. “But in the end, it was not logic that convinced me.”

“What did?” Something in his eyes changes. “Was it something your father said to you?”

Spock hesitates.

“My father… implied that if I chose to pursue Starfleet, I would be going against our House, and that he would have to reconsider our relationship as father and son.”

Shock and anger flares from Jim’s touch, followed by guilt when Spock flinches.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, that… I don’t understand how he could say something like that.”

Spock is quiet.

“My grandfather and Lady T’Pau both questioned my Vulcanness,” he says after a moment. “Yet it was my father’s ultimatum that hurt most, because after Sybok, I knew he would do it.”

His eyes sting. He forces the tears back.

“I declined Starfleet’s offer the day after our conversation. At the time, the cost seemed too great.”

Jim doesn’t say anything. Instead, he pulls Spock into his arms. Spock immediately hugs him back, burying his face in his shoulder.

He does not cry. He will not allow himself to.

“Have you ever thought about joining now?” Jim asks. “I’m sure with your VEG history you could bypass the Academy aside from a few basic training courses.”

Spock shakes his head.

“Even if that is the case, I have Saavik now. A starship posting would be out of the question, and there is little logic in joining simply to take an Earth posting, especially considering that I have already been offered a position at the Academy.”

“Spock…” Jim sighs. “Well, if you’re sure… what about, Michael, though? Have you ever considered trying to reconcile with her?”

Spock hesitates.

“I have, but…”

“But what?”

“Approximately ten years ago, around Michael’s birthday, I asked my mother if she had spoken to her recently. That is when she informed me that neither she nor my father had spoken to Michael in nearly a year.” Spock swallows. “All she would tell me is that Michael and our father had a falling out, one that shattered their relationship. In the wake of that, Michael stopped returning her calls.”

“You don’t know what happened between them?”

“No, and I suspect I never will, given that my father still refuses to speak on what made Sybok leave nearly thirty years after the fact.”

Jim hesitates for a moment. Spock feels his nervousness through their touch.

“Well, you could… is there any way you could ask her?”

Spock’s stomach churns. 

“I have not spoken to her in seventeen years, Jim. I have no personal contact information for her.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“That sounds specific.”

Spock winces, glancing away.

“I have kept up with her work,” he admits quietly. “I have read all of her papers, all of the studies she has worked on. I am aware of her professional contact information.”

“Use that, then.”

“It would be inappropriate for me to contact her with personal matters through her professional accounts.”

“I suppose, but… wouldn’t it be better to try, at least?”

Spock presses his lips together, and Jim’s expression turns soft.

“There’s something else.”

Spock swallows.

“Even putting aside the question of appropriateness, I… I admit some trepidation.” He moves his hand to grip the pillow again. “If she were to ignore my message, or outright reject any further correspondence…”

“Spock…” Jim sighs, moving his hand to stroke Spock’s cheek. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but I think you should at least consider reaching out. It could go better than you think.”

Part of Spock wants to point out that it would likely go just as he expects, or possibly even worse, but he has slowly grown weary through their conversation.

So instead he nods.

“I will,” he promises. “You should sleep.”

Jim huffs.

“Would love to, but I’m not sure it’s going to happen with this mattress.”

Spock thinks on this for a moment, then pulls Jim on top of him.

“Uh, what are you doing?”

“Moving you so that you are no longer on top of the mattress.”

Jim seems unsure of this, but relaxes on top of him after a moment. He feels Jim begin to drift after a few moments, and within five he is asleep.

He allows himself a smile as he too finally begins to drift off.

Notes:

this chapter brought to you by crappy mattresses. i hate them.

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 42: olive branch

Notes:

tw: implied past medical abuse of a child

Spock wakes the next morning before the sun has even started to rise. Jim rolled off of him at some point during the night, and is now softly snoring against his pillow.

It perhaps says something that Spock finds the sight of him in such an undignified position so endearing.

Spock presses a kiss to his forehead, then gets out of bed to perform his morning ablutions and gets ready to meditate. Once he is prepared, he walks over to Saavik’s room.

“Saavik,” he calls as he kneels at her bedside. “It is time to wake up.”

Saavik grunts, then slowly opens her eyes.

“Good morning,” Spock greets. “It is time to meditate.”

Saavik hums, then yawns and rubs at her eyes as she sits up. She slips out of bed, and Spock helps her into her meditation robes. 

“Would you like to meditate here? Jim is still asleep in our room.”

Saavik shakes her head, then lifts her hands to sign.

I want to meditate on the back porch.

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Are you certain? It is less of a controlled environment there than it is in here.”

Saavik nods. 

“Very well then. Come along.”

The house is quiet as they make their way onto the back porch, save for the slight creaking of the steps and floorboards. Saavik projects a questioning tone about the noise through their bond.

“The house is quite old, occasionally they will make noise like that.”

Saavik projects an image of his parents’ home, which is centuries older than the Kirk family residence and makes no such noise.

“The construction techniques used here are different from those used on Vulcan. I will explain this to you further over breakfast if you would like.”

Saavik considers this, then nods as they exit the house. Spock opens his bag and sets down their supplies, arranging the cushions on either side of the incense burner and travel firepot. 

“Are you ready?” Spock asks as they kneel down. 

Saavik nods, shifting on the pillow slightly before placing her hands on her knees.

“Remember, if you need anything, utilize the bond.”

Saavik nods, then closes her eyes. Spock does the same, and soon he has slipped into a meditative trance.

---

Unlike Saavik, Spock’s mental space has long since been formed: a clearing in the forest near Lake Yuron. He had found it once when following Michael to the Cliffs of Surak, and had made it his own personal area to escape to after Michael forbade him from following her again.

He suspects that was not her intention, but he went regardless.

He is far from the forest now, but he still recalls it well- the quiet sound of birdsong, the sunlight filtering in through the trees, the cool breeze rolling in from the lake. 

It was the perfect place to think.

He sits down under a tree, leaning on it as he breathes in and out.

Then, he sets his mind to processing the conversation he and Jim had last night.

In some ways, it was a relief to tell him. It has been nearly ten years since he spoke at length about his siblings with anyone- neither of his parents were willing to do so, and until recently he felt no need to speak of them with anyone else. 

Still, it was painful, that much he can admit to himself. There is a reason he does not speak of them. 

He breathes in, then out. 

Even with his refusal to speak of his siblings, or even think of them very often, Jim’s suggestion on the situation is, admittedly, one that he has considered previously. He spent more than one late night aboard the Haadok staring at half-written messages composed of congratulations about her achievements or questions about her research methodology. Sometimes he would finish the message, stare at it for upwards of ten minutes, then ultimately delete the draft and close the window before going to meditate, solely because nothing he could say felt like enough. 

How could it ever be enough?

“Well, you won’t know if you don’t try, now will you?”

Spock’s eyes fly open, heart pounding wildly in his side. In an instant, however, he presses his mouth into a straight line, closing his eyes once more.

“Oh, come now, Spock. You and I both know that ignoring me isn’t going to work.”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“Seriously?”

Spock remains still.

“Hm. Fine, but you must recognize that you have left me no other choice as to gain your attention.”

For a moment, there is silence.

Then, Spock hears it.

It is a small sound. Even another Vulcan may strain to hear it, and would be better able to filter out than he would.

But that is not Spock’s lot in life, it seems, and thus he hears the sound.

Pop.

He makes an attempt to ignore it, of course. He breathes in, then out, relaxes his shoulders- 

Pop.

Spock’s brow tenses, then smooths out. He takes another breath, exhales, lets his mind settle-

Pop. Pop.

Spock clenches his jaw, bunching his robes in his fists. He lets go-

Pop. Pop pop. Pop.

Spock’s fists go tight, and he begins counting backwards in French, reminding himself that a reaction is what he wants, he is being annoying for that reason and that reason alone, if he gives him what he wants he will just-!

Pop-!

“Stop that at once!” Spock demands, turning his head to glare at him.

Sybok’s lips remain in a small “o” for only a second more before turning upward into a grin.

“Works every time,” he says smugly. 

Spock rolls his eyes, too irritated to care that he has given into his more Human instincts.

It is not as though anyone can see, after all.

“You know that popping your lips in that manner bothers me.”

“Of course I do,” Sybok replies as he lays down, folding his arms behind his head. “That’s why I only utilize that tactic when it is necessary.”

Spock exhales through his nose, then looks his older brother over.

Or, rather, his mind’s representation of his brother. It is hardly likely that Sybok, now approaching forty-five, still has the last vestiges of baby fat and a patchy attempt at a beard on his face.

Here in his mind, however, he is still eighteen years old.

“Nice place you’ve got here,” Sybok comments idly. “Good choice for a mental landscape.”

“I assume you are here as an externalization of my conflicting thoughts,” Spock states bluntly.

“You’d know that as well as I would,” Sybok responds. “Not the first time you’ve done this, and I doubt it’ll be the last.”

Spock frowns.

“Why you, though? Would this conversation not be better suited to an approximation of Michael?”

“That would only make you anxious, now wouldn’t it?”

Spock bristles slightly, but looks away rather than try to argue against the idea. He takes a deep breath, then exhales. 

“I do not wish to bother her, nor offend her by using her professional messaging account for personal matters.”

“Do you really think that would bother her? Out of all three of us, you were the one who was the most hellbent on following the rules. She fell in the middle of the two of us, though she often leaned more toward my perspective on that subject.” Sybok shrugs. “Besides, you have no other way of contacting her. If she’s going to get upset about it, the way you did it is hardly going to matter that much.”

Spock presses his lips into a thin line, still not looking over at Sybok.

“It’s all moot anyway, isn’t it? You’re not scared of offending her, you’re afraid that she’ll reject you.”

“She would be within her rights to do so,” Spock replies. “I was deeply unkind to her.”

“Sure, but you were also a teenager, and it’s been nearly twenty years.”

“Michael holds grudges,” Spock replies.

“No, Michael has- or possibly had, for all we know- unprocessed trauma towards the people who killed her biological parents. There’s a rather large difference, don’t you think?” He hears Sybok shift. “But in the end, that’s not even the biggest problem here.”

Spock looks over at him, raising an eyebrow.

“And what do you believe that is?”

“It’s simple,” Sybok tells him. “It’s that it’s been so long since you’ve really known her, you’re worried that you’ve built her into someone she’s not. Someone she can’t ever even dream of living up to.”

“I am Vulcan. My memory is infallible.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re incapable of romanticizing the past, you know. Even last night, you presented me in the best possible light to Jim.” Sybok smirks at him. “You only talked about how kind I was, and left out how annoying I could be. You characterized me as ‘stressed,’ rather than admitting to my mercurial nature and my anger at being forced to live with Sarek after my mother died. You even told him about how Sarek and I fought all the time, but left out the part where I picked most of those fights.”

“What are you implying?”

“Nothing. I’m saying that you idealized me in your head, and while there is very little chance I can ever prove the version of me you cling to false, the same is not true for Michael.”

“I have done no such thing.”

Sybok shrugs. 

“No? Then what about Amanda?”

Spock cannot stop himself from flinching, turning his gaze to the ground.

“You know I’m right, Spock. Yes, Sarek holds blame for your childhood being as painful as it was, but Amanda had more agency than you wanted to admit. When you were finally confronted with that fact, it strained your relationship with her to the point that you’re no longer on speaking terms.”

“... you were always insightful and tactless in equal measure,” Spock mutters. 

“That’s one thing this version of me is spot on about,” Sybok replies cheerfully. 

Spock breathes in, then sighs.

“What do you propose I do, then?”

“Well, you’ve got to decide what you want more: to try and reconnect with what little family you’ve got left, risking both rejection and disillusionment, or keep pretending that the version of her in your head is the whole truth.” Sybok smiles at him. “I’m sure you know which one I’d choose, but let’s be frank here: my decision-making at eighteen wasn’t exactly exemplary.”

Spock regards him, then lets out a breath.

“In this situation, I believe you may in fact have made the correct decision.”

Sybok laughs, but before he can say anything Spock feels a pulse of surprise from the bond he shares with Saavik.

“You should probably check on that,” Sybok notes.

“Indeed.” He hesitates, glancing over at Sybok. Despite himself, a sort of wistfulness passes over him.

Sybok snorts.

“Oh, please, Spock. Let’s be realistic here, I would have been a terrible influence on her.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but does not argue the point.

“Goodbye, Sybok,” he says instead. 

Sybok smiles at him again, and then in the blink of an eye is gone. 

Spock takes a deep breath to steady himself, then closes his eyes and straightens his back, concentrating on pulling himself out of his meditative state.

---

Spock opens his eyes to see Saavik with an orange kitten in her lap.

He blinks, then raises an eyebrow.

“Where did you find that kitten?”

Saavik shakes her head, and Spock receives images of her emerging from her meditative state to find the kitten in her lap through their bond. Spock opens his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by something crawling into his lap. He blinks again, looking down to see two more kittens, both orange as well. One has jumped into his lap and begun pawing at his leg. 

“... hello,” Spock greets. “Where did you three come from?”

None of the kittens answer, save for the one in Saavik’s lap that trills when she begins petting it. Spock looks down at the kitten in his lap, then offers it his hand. It sniffs for a moment, then presses its head against his fingers. The other kitten, once it has climbed into his lap, does the same. 

“Hey, sorry to interrupt, but breakfast is almost ready when- oh!”

Spock looks up to see George standing in the doorway with a smile on his face.

“Well, don’t that just beat all? I’ve been trying to grab those kittens for a week now.”

“Have you seen these animals before?”

“Mm, them and their mama. We usually get at least one feral mama and her babies hanging around a year.” George looks around. “Don’t see their mama anywhere, though. Hopefully she’ll come back, but I’ll probably need to get the trap out.”

Saavik makes a sound of distress, the emotion rattling around in Spock’s mind.

“Oh, it’s- she wouldn’t get hurt, don’t worry,” George says quickly. “It’s just a cage, and we put food and a cushion in there.”

Saavik relaxes slightly, though her brow furrows. She turns to Spock, lifting her hands to sign.

Why does he need to trap the kittens’ mother?

Spock relays the question to George, who chuckles.

“Well, feral cats don’t really like people. They didn’t get used to us at a young age, so they tend to be scared of us and try to bite and scratch to make us go away. But they still need care like other cats, so we trap them to take them to the vet and make sure they’re okay.”

Saavik frowns.

Was Ashaya like that?

“No, Ashaya was very likely someone’s pet before we found her.”

But she tried to bite you.

“She did, but that was because she was afraid. If she were feral, she would have taken much longer to get used to living in our apartment than she did.”

Saavik hums, then returns to petting the kitten in her lap.

“We’d better get these guys to the vet too. They don’t look sick, but it’s better to get them checked out now.” George ducks his head back into the house. “Hey, Jim! Grab the cat carrier for me, would ya?”

“Yeah, sure!” A moment later, Jim emerges with the carrier in hand. “Where’s the-?”

He pauses, blinking at Spock and Saavik, then grins.

“Well, I see how we got those kittens this time. Maybe you should think about volunteering with our local shelter, Spock.”

“I will see if I have room for it in my schedule,” Spock deadpans.

Both of the kittens in his lap meow loudly.

---

A few hours later, Spock is sitting on the bed in the guest room, looking over the message sent to him by the VSA. He hears a knock at the door, looking up to see Jim standing in the doorway.

“Hey, honey.”

“Hello. How are the kittens?”

“Clean bill of health, thankfully. The kids are playing with them downstairs with Mom and Dad.”

“I am pleased to hear that. Has your father determined where their mother likely is?”

“No, not yet. I’m gonna help Mom look in a little while, but in all likelihood we’ll have to set up the trap for her.” Jim starts walking toward the bed. “What are you working on?”

“I’ve received a message from the VSA requesting that I contact the head of my department for a vid-call meeting.”

Jim frowns.

“Is that a normal part of the resignation process?”

“No, but considering my family’s social status I am unsurprised that they are making a stronger attempt to retain me. Once it is done my resignation will likely be formally accepted.”

“Seems like a waste of time to me,” Jim says as he sits down next to him on the bed.

“It is mostly for show,” Spock admits. “If they did not make an attempt, assumptions would be made that could be detrimental to the VSA’s reputation.”

“Gossip, you mean.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t dispute Jim’s claim. Jim laughs, and Spock has to fight the urge to smile.

Then, a thought comes to him, and he hesitates for a moment before opening his mouth.

“Jim?” Spock asks.

“Mmhm?”

“I…” Spock clears his throat. “I would like your assistance on something.”

Jim blinks, but nods.

“Sure thing, sweetheart. What do you need?”

Spock hesitates, then takes a breath.

“I have thought over what we discussed last night. Specifically, your suggestion that I contact Michael through her professional messaging account.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise, but he nods again.

“And?”

“And I have decided that I will do so.”

Jim smiles.

“Well, that’s great, Spock.” He frowns. “I’m… not certain what exactly you need me for, though.”

“I believe the term used amongst Humans is ‘sounding board?’”

“Ah, I see.” He smiles. “I’d be happy to help you with that, Spock.”

Spock nods, then navigates over to the messaging app on his PADD, opening a new draft and entering Michael’s address.

If Jim notices that it autofills, he does not say anything.

“I have decided that the best way to open the message is to congratulate her on an award she received regarding a research project she headed.” He pauses. “She… did receive it two months ago. Would it be strange to congratulate her on it now?”

Jim shrugs.

“I mean, maybe, but as openings go it’s kind of all you’ve got.”

Spock nods, then takes a breath. 

“‘Commander Burnham.’”

“Spock, she’s your sister, I think you can just use her name.”

“It would be improper to use her first name in a professional message,” Spock argues.

“You’re trying to re-establish contact with your sister, not collaborate on a research project. Besides, I use people’s first names in professional messages all the time.”

Spock hesitates, then sighs and deletes the greeting.

“‘Michael.’”

“You could probably go with a ‘dear,’ there.”

“I do not believe that would be appropriate.”

Jim shrugs.

“None of this is technically appropriate, Spock, but if it makes you feel more comfortable then you don’t have to include it.”

Spock nods, then continues.

“‘I wish to congratulate you on being awarded the Federation Medal of Scientific Excellence for your research on ancient Phylligian culture. Having read through your work, I believe it is well deserved.’”

“That sounds good. Not sure you really needed me that much.”

“That is not the part that I am concerned about.” Spock clears his throat. “I… am uncertain how best to transition from there into asking if she would be willing to get back in contact with me.”

“Ah. Well, I think the best thing to do would be to offer up an apology for what happened between you. Maybe tell her why you did it?”

“I am uncertain that this message is the appropriate place to explain that. I would prefer to offer my explanation face to face if possible.”

Jim shrugs. 

“Fair enough. Still, I think offering up the apology is a good way to go. Get the olive branch out there front and center.”

Spock nods, then returns to typing.

“‘I also wish to offer an apology. My emotional state was highly intense at the time, but you did not deserve to have my anger at my situation taken out on you. For that, I am sorry.’”

Jim hums.

“Sounds pretty good.” He pauses. “Hey, why don’t you tell her about Saavik?”

Spock hesitates.

“I… would not want her to feel pressured to respond to me due to the fact that I have a child,” Spock says.

“It’s not pressure, you’re just telling her about your life. Tell her about the Academy, about what you’ve been up to lately.”

Spock hesitates again, then nods and begins typing once more.

“‘Recently, my daughter and I have relocated to San Francisco. I have taken a teaching position with Starfleet Academy. If you are ever in the area, I would be pleased to see you.’” Spock takes a breath. “‘I would like to rebuild our relationship, if at all possible. You were once an important part of my life, and I would like that to be the case once more.’”

He pauses, forcing back emotion.

“‘Please respond when you are able. Sincerely, Spock.’”

He takes another breath, then glances over at Jim, who has a small smile on his face. 

“Do you believe that is satisfactory?”

“I think it’s perfect. Go ahead and send it.”

Spock nods, turning to look at his PADD once more. His finger hovers over the “send” button for nearly a full minute, but eventually he closes his eyes and presses it. He lets out a long exhale once it has been sent, then looks over at Jim.

“I’m proud of you, Spock.” Jim leans in, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Now, put down your PADD and help Dad make lunch.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I do not mind doing so, but may I ask why?”

“So that you’ve got a distraction from worrying about Michael’s response,” Jim answers before getting up off the bed. He offers his arm to Spock, and Spock takes it, leaving his PADD face down on the comforter.

---

Spock does not think about the message for the rest of the day. It is only when they are getting into bed that he picks up his PADD again. He frowns when he sees that Michael has not yet responded.

“Don’t worry,” Jim tells him. “She probably just hasn’t had a chance to look at her messages yet.”

“It has been over thirteen hours since I sent it to her, Jim. Most people would have by now.”

Jim shrugs. 

“She’s the chief science officer on a major research vessel. She’s probably busy.”

Spock blinks, then looks over at Jim with a raised eyebrow. Jim grins sheepishly.

“I might have looked her up.”

“Jim.”

“I was curious!” He smiles. “You were right, though, when you said she was brilliant. Just like you.”

Spock is barely too late to fight back a flush before Jim sees it. Jim laughs, then gets on top of him.

“Now, come on, put that thing down and let’s get some sleep.”

Spock sighs, but acquiesces, putting his PADD on the bedside table and turning out his light. 

---

A bolt of pure terror hurls Spock into consciousness, his heart racing in his side. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to calm himself, opening them again when his heart rate has returned to normal.

Saavik.

Spock’s stomach drops. As quietly as possible, he gets out of bed, resisting the urge to flinch when he hears Jim snort.

“Mm… Sp’ck? Ev’rything okay?”

“I believe Saavik may have had a nightmare. I am going to check on her.”

“Aw, poor kid. Need any help?”

“No, I believe I can handle it.”

“Mmkay. G’night…” 

Jim is snoring softly again within seconds. Spock takes a moment to handle the squeeze of affection in his torso, then gets up and heads to Saavik’s room. He hears her sniffling before he gets there, and he takes a breath before opening the door.

“Saavik,” he calls. She freezes on her bed, sniffing again before turning over to look at him. Tears shine in her eyes, and Spock’s heart lurches. He walks over to her bed, sitting down before gathering her into his arms. “I am here, Saavik. You are alright.”

She sniffs again, burying her face in his chest. He rubs her back gently, hushing her as she cries.

“Would you like to tell me what your nightmare was about?”

Saavik hesitates, then nods. A moment later, Spock is shown images of strange masked men with ridged foreheads and cold eyes, as well as syringes, tubes, restraints, pain, pain, pain-!

Spock gasps, and Saavik immediately withdraws from the bond.

“No,” he says quickly. “No, Saavik, it- I am fine. Do not worry.”

Saavik still seems guilty, and Spock sighs, tilting her head up so that she has to look at him.

“It is alright, Saavik. I can handle it.” He leans down, pressing his forehead to hers. “More importantly, you are safe now. You will never again have to face those doctors. I will make sure of it.”

Saavik’s eyes glisten. She lifts her hands.

Promise?

“I promise.”

She sniffs again, then buries her face in Spock’s shirt once more. He rubs her back, hushing her, but letting her cry as needed.

Eventually, she falls back asleep, clearly exhausted. Spock tucks her back into bed, then returns to the guest room. Jim does not awaken this time, merely mumbles and turns over in bed. Spock allows himself a small smile, then lays down.

He spends several minutes staring at the ceiling, trying to calm his thoughts. Eventually, though, he looks over at his PADD on the bedside table. 

After another moment of hesitation, he grabs it, sitting up in bed and turning it on. He navigates over to the messaging app, telling himself that he is only going to look to see if she has responded, and will not read it until the morning.

That plan is brought to a screeching halt when he sees Michael’s name in the “sender” portion of an unopened message. 

Something between joy, astonishment, and pure dread fills him. Before he can stop to consider any of that, however, he opens the message.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Hello, Spock,

I appreciate you reaching out and congratulating me. However, given that this is my professional messaging address, I’m unsure it’s appropriate to have a personal conversation here.

Spock’s stomach drops. He closes his eyes, breathing in and out to force down the emotions threatening to well up and burst out of him. After a moment, he forces his eyes open and continues reading, if only for closure.

With that being said, here is my personal messaging address. I’d be happy to hear from you there.

[email protected]

Warm regards,

Michael

P.S. I’d love to hear more about your daughter.

Spock blinks. He rereads the email, then rereads it once more. When it does not change, emotion wells up in him again, his eyes becoming wet before he can stop it. He sniffs, wiping at his eyes before glancing over at Jim, just to make sure that he hadn’t woken up and seen. Once he has calmed himself enough, he navigates to his personal messaging box and opens a new draft.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Michael,

I am pleased that you are open to communicating with me. Truth be told I was concerned you would not be, though I would not have blamed you for it. 

As for my daughter, her name is Saavik and she is 3.67 years old. Her favorite animal is the blue whale, and she enjoys any dish that has tomatoes in it…

Notes:

michael also got help composing her message to spock because none of the s'chn t'gai siblings know how to communicate with each other

well, maybe sybok, but he has other problems

also, cat magnet!spock and saavik made me giggle so now it is canon for this fic

comments are always appreciated!

(also i wrote a little father's day one shot for this universe if you wanna check it out)

Chapter 43: county fair

Notes:

tw: panic attack, implied claustrophobia, strangulation, gun (phaser?) violence, minor character death

Spock looks at himself in the mirror. It takes more willpower than he would like to admit to not grimace at his reflection.

“You are certain that this is an appropriate outfit for the county fair?”

“Positive,” Jim tells him. “Besides, I thought you liked jeans.”

“I like them on you,” Spock corrects. “On myself, it feels as though I am wearing a costume.”

“Nonsense.” He walks up behind Spock, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I happen to think you look very handsome, by the way. The blue shirt with the rolled up sleeves looks good on you, and the jeans are very… shapely.”

Spock turns his eyes to the wall, willing the rising heat in his cheeks away. Jim laughs, then gently urges him to turn around and kisses him.

“So handsome,” he repeats; through his clothes, Spock gets the sense that he is purposely trying to make him blush again, and Spock…

Well. If Spock gives him the satisfaction of seeing it, no one else is there to chastise him for it.

Jim grins and kisses him again, then moves to tug on Spock’s wrist. 

“Come on, let’s get going.”

Spock nods and follows Jim out of the guest room and down the stairs. They walk toward the kitchen, where David and Saavik are watching George mix something in a bowl.

“What’s going on in here?” 

“Hi Daddy!” David greets him. “Grandpa’s showing us how to make garlic bread.”

“Just the quick kind, unfortunately,” George adds. 

Jim rolls his eyes.

“Dad, they make premade garlic butter at the grocery store, I don’t think making it from scratch counts as ‘the quick kind.’”

“It’s not from scratch if you don’t make the bread yourself,” George argues before pulling his wooden spoon out of the bowl. “Alright, kids, that’s enough. I’m going to spread this now. Why don’t you go play with the kittens?”

“Okay!” 

The children both jump down from their stepstools, running out of the kitchen.

“I like your sneakers, Mister Dr. Spock!” David says as he leaves.

“Thank you,” Spock calls behind him.

“See, I told you people wouldn’t think you look weird,” Jim teases.

“One four-year-old hardly encompasses the full scope of ‘people,’ Jim.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine. Besides, they’re better for walking around on a dirt path than your usual shoes.” Jim turns to his father. “Speaking of which, Dad, you’re sure you don’t wanna come?”

“Nah, not this year. Besides, someone’s got to stay home and keep an eye on the cats.”

Jim rolls his eyes.

“Dad, please don’t tell me you’re thinking about adopting all three of those cats.”

“Well…”

“Dad.”

“Hey, you told me I needed to find something to fill my time with now that I’m retired!”

“I meant a hobby, Dad, not cats.”

“I disagree,” Spock says. “A pet, or pets in this case, is an excellent way to fill one’s time.”

“See? Spock agrees with me.”

“Yeah, well, Spock’s a cat person, he’s biased.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“It is generally accepted that Vulcans are descended from a feline ancestor, as opposed to-!”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Jim interrupts, clearly unable to help his smile.

Spock tilts his head slightly. 

“Perhaps.”

George chuckles just as the oven beeps.

“Ah, the pre-heat’s done. Can one of you get the parmesan in the oven? Sooner we’re done with dinner the sooner you all can get going, and I know the kids are excited.”

“Oh, sure…”

---

The county fair takes place in an area known as a “fairground,” which appears to be a large area that is mostly made up of dirt, with some grass spotting the ground. There are various areas devoted to different purposes: one part of the fairgrounds is dedicated to showing animals and crops, while another is reserved for a number of food stalls. Yet another is something of an entertainment sector, with games and rides including a large contraption that Spock has heard called a “ferris wheel.” Of the areas, the food stalls are the closest to where they park, grabbing the attention of the children immediately.

“Daddy, we had dinner already, so can we pleeeeaaaaaaaseeee get dessert from the stalls?”

Jim, rather obviously, pretends to think about it.

“Well… I don’t know…”

“They have funnel cake!”

“Sold.” 

Spock glances over at Winona, who chuckles as Jim leads the kids over to a stand.

“You can take the boy out of Iowa,” she tells him. “He always did get excited about funnel cake whenever we went to a fair when he was young.”

“He once told me that it was his favorite food,” Spock replies. “I have made it for him, but I admit, I do not see the appeal.”

Winona blinks, then raises an eyebrow.

“You… made my son funnel cake.”

Spock’s cheeks heat slightly as he glances away.

“I was informed it was good practice to bring one’s date a gift.”

“What, like on the holonet?”

Spock’s cheeks heat even more, and he does not answer. He hears Winona chuckle.

“Well, aren’t you sweet. Jim’s a lucky man.”

Spock’s lips quirk upward, but before he can thank her the children come running back up to them. 

“Mister Dr. Spock, Daddy says we can ask you if you want to go see the petting zoo when we’re done eating the desserts!”

Spock considers this, then nods.

“You would need to wash your hands first,” he tells him.

“Okay!”

Spock feels a tug at his pants leg, and when he looks down Saavik is holding up a piece of something fried and rather lumpy.

“What is that?”

“Oh, it’s called an elephant ear- kind of a sweet fried bread thing. It’s good, you should try it.”

Spock looks at the offered piece dubiously, but takes it when he sees the expectant look on Saavik’s face. After a moment of hesitation, he eats it, considering the texture and sweet taste for a moment before swallowing.

“It is acceptable.”

Saavik smiles, then tears off another piece and offers it to Winona. 

“Oh, well, thank you, sweetheart!” Winona says as she takes the piece. Saavik smiles again, then walks over to Jim and offers up another piece.

“That’s sweet, honey, but I don’t really need-!” 

Saavik holds it out slightly more forcefully, and Jim only lasts approximately two more seconds before taking the piece from her and eating it.

“Thank you, Saavik.”

Saavik nods, then walks over to David and offers a piece, which he accepts without hesitation.

“She’s all in on that sharing phase, huh?” Jim comments.

“I suppose it is better than the alternative,” Spock states.

“True, the ‘mine’ phase was definitely one of my least favorites.”

“Mine too,” Winona agrees. “You and your brother were both terrors about anything and everything you could get your hands on.”

“Ma,” Jim complains.

“I’m just saying! David came by it honestly.”

Jim rolls his eyes, but does not argue further, instead returning to eating his funnel cake. 

“Daddy, we’re done!” David announces, holding up his empty plate. Saavik does the same.

“Wh- already? I’m not even halfway through.”

“But we’re done!”

Winona chuckles.

“I’ll take them to wash their hands. You two sit tight.”

Before either Spock or Jim can argue, she’s ushered both children towards the restrooms. Jim sighs, then keeps eating.

“Are you enjoying your dessert?”

“Mmhm, it’s pretty good.” Jim smirks at him. “Think I like the one you made me a little better, though.”

Spock’s cheeks heat and he looks away. Jim laughs, then leans in to kiss his cheek.

“Whoops, got some powdered sugar on your cheek.” He pulls out one of the napkins he brought from the stand out of his pocket. “Here, hold still.”

Spock does, fighting a flush at the touch of Jim’s fingers on his cheek. It is not the first time Jim has done so, but the rather intimate touch in such a public space still forces Spock to wrangle his emotions into an acceptable state.

“Alright, think I got it- oh, wait, there’s a little left.”

“There is?”

“Mm, think I got it on your lips somehow.” Jim grins at him, and Spock resists the urge to smile as he leans in for a quick kiss. “There, now I’ve got it.”

“Perhaps you should do it again, just to be sure.”

Jim grins again, then leans in for another slower, longer kiss. He pulls back after a moment, and there is a strange look in his eyes.

“Spock?” He asks in a soft voice.

“Yes, Jim?”

Jim cups his cheek again.

“I-!”

“Daddy, we’re back! Are you done with your dessert?”

Jim huffs, taking a step back.

“Almost, just gimme a minute!” He glances over at Spock. “Sorry about that.”

“It is alright. What were you going to say?”

Jim’s cheeks turn slightly pink, and he looks away.

“I’ll, uh, tell you later.” He finishes his funnel cake, then heads for the recycler. “Just gimme a minute and I’ll be ready to go, okay?”

David cheers, then immediately starts regaling them with facts about the lambs. 

Spock glances over at Jim one last time, then asks David a question about one of the facts- if Jim says he will tell him later, then Spock believes him.

---

“There you are, Saavik.” 

Saavik squeals as she receives her Mei’shii plush, clearly thrilled to have it.

“Saavik,” Spock reminds her.

Saavik quickly signs a thank you to Jim, then runs up to David, who is playing with his own Mei’shii plush.

“I did not realize you were so skilled at carnival games,” Spock says as they walk away from the row of game stalls.

Jim shrugs.

“I practically grew up on them, what with all the festivals and fairs going on around here. Though I admit, I did hold back a little today.”

“Oh?”

Jim smirks.

“Well I don’t think either of our children need stuffed animals as big as they are, do they?”

Spock glances over at said children, then nods.

“I suppose that is true.”

Jim chuckles, then looks away when David gasps.

“Dad, Dad, Dad!” David says urgently. “Look! The ferris wheel doesn’t have a long line! Can we go, please, please, please?”

Jim tenses next to him, but only for a moment.

“I… yeah, that- that sounds fun.”

Spock frowns, looking over at him.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, really,” Jim tells him. He starts moving toward the wheel. “Come on, let’s go.”

---

Due to the requirements of the ride, Spock goes up with Saavik first, followed by Jim and David. The rides go without a hitch, and Jim seems relaxed after.

“Well, now what do you guys wanna do?” Jim asks once they’re all on the ground.

“Now you and Mister Dr. Spock gotta go up together!”

“What? Why?”

“Cause it’ll be romantic! Like in those holos Mommy watches on the holovision when she thinks I’m asleep.”

“Wh- David, we’ve talked about this, you can’t spy on stuff Mommy and I are watching.”

“But I wanna know what you’re watching!” David whines.

Jim sighs.

“Look, we’ll talk about it later.” He hesitates, then looks over at Spock. “Do, uh… do you wanna go up?”

“Only if you wish to,” Spock tells him. 

Jim hesitates again, glancing up at the ride, then looks down and nods.

“I… yeah, that- that sounds fun.”

“Are you certain?”

“Yeah, I am.” He takes hold of Spock’s wrist, pulling him along. “Be back in a little bit!”

“We’ll be here,” Winona calls.

“Have fun!” David adds.

Spock frowns, but allows Jim to guide him back to the front of the line. Within a few minutes, a pod opens up, and he and Jim are rising back up the ferris wheel. They arrive at the top approximately six minutes after boarding, right as the sun is setting over the horizon.

“Pretty great view, huh?” Jim comments. “When we were kids Sam told me you could see the farm from here.”

“That is unlikely. We are not high up enough to see it.”

“Yeah, he was bullshitting me, but I still liked being high up. One of the reasons I decided I wanted to join Starfleet.” Jim smiles. “Though I think exploring strange new worlds was the bigger one.”

Spock nods, then looks over at him.

“Jim?”

“Mm?”

“You said that you would tell me what you wanted to say earlier later.”

Jim blinks, then flushes.

“I, uh, I just…”

“Yes?”

Jim swallows. 

“I just… wanted to say how glad I am that you and my parents are getting along, that’s all.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Indeed?”

“Well, it’s nice to have your parents get along with your significant other. Admittedly it’s not really a problem I’ve ever had, but I’ve seen my mom and Aurelan try to get on.” Jim smiles at him. “I’m really glad you’re here, Spock.”

Spock allows himself the smallest of smiles.

“I find that I have enjoyed being here.”

Jim grins, then leans in for a kiss before resting his head on Spock’s shoulder. For a moment, they sit in a calm quiet, observing the serene view and the sunset.

Then, after a while, Jim begins to shift in his seat. His fingers brush Spock’s, and he feels a sudden flash of anxiety from him, making him frown.

“Jim, are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah, fine, just…” Jim bites his lip, tapping his fingers against the bar. “We’ve been up here a while, haven’t we?”

Spock pulls his comm out of his pocket and turns on the screen.

“We boarded the ferris wheel approximately thirty-five minutes ago.” He frowns. “The last ride took about twenty minutes.”

Jim leans over the railing, craning his neck slightly. His eyes widen, and his face goes pale. 

“Oh, fuck.”

Spock turns, looking down at the ground. There are several people in uniform surrounding the operation booth, and the operator is speaking to what appears to be a person in a management position.

“It appears we may be here a while longer,” Spock notes. 

“Fuck.”

Spock turns to look back at Jim, blinking when he sees him searching his pockets.

“What are you looking for?”

“My- my pills,” Jim stutters as he puts his comm on the seat next to him. He turns out his left pocket, swears again, then turns to his right. “I need them.”

“You took your medication this morning, did you not?”

“Not- not those pills, Spock,” he replies as he takes his wallet out of his pocket. A moment later, he turns pale. “Fuck.”

“Jim? Are you alright?”

“I don’t have them,” he all but mutters as he leans back in the seat. He runs his hand over his face. “I must have left them in the, the guest room.”

Something clicks in Spock’s mind.

“You were looking for your alprazolam.”

Jim does not answer him. His breathing has turned quick, nearly rapid, and Spock moves to get closer until Jim holds out a hand.

“No, no, that’s- crowding makes it worse, don’t…”

Spock nods, backing up as much as he can within the small space. 

“What else should I do?”

“Fuck, I- I-I don’t know, my mind is going blank right now and…” Jim suddenly grabs his chest. “Fuck.”

“Jim?”

“It hurts,” Jim says in a short, breathless voice. Sweat pours down the side of his face. “It hurts, Spock, it feels like- like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and I- I don’t want to die here.”

“You are not going to die,” Spock tells him. “You are in a state of heightened emotion because your mind is having a reaction to danger that is not present. You are going to be alright.”

“I don’t wanna die,” Jim repeats. “Spock, I don’t wanna die…”

Spock purses his lips, trying to think of a way to help him. The last time he was present when Jim had a panic attack, he was able to distract him by giving him one of the throw pillows. Here, however, he has nothing but the clothes he is wearing and his wallet.

So instead, he reaches for Jim’s free hand, covering it with his own. The panic nearly overwhelms his shields, but they are able to hold.

“Spock-!”

“I will not come any closer,” Spock promises. “I will stay right here, but I will be here until you no longer need me.”

Jim looks at him, eyes slightly glassy and teary. 

“Spock…”

“Breathe slowly, Jim. It will be alright.”

Jim hesitates, then finally takes a long, slow breath, repeating a sort of rhythm. Spock keeps his hand in place, unmoving, and slowly, the fear recedes. 

For a while, there is no sound but that of Jim breathing. The color slowly returns to his face, and an exhaustion takes over his features.

“... m’sorry,” he says after a moment.

“There is no need to apologize,” Spock replies. “Presumably, you did not choose to have a panic attack."

Jim huffs.

“No, but I chose to risk the possibility of one.”

Spock frowns.

“Ferris wheels are a source of panic for you?”

“What? No, it’s- it’s not ferris wheels specifically, I…” Jim trails off, grimacing. “I… I’m sorry, Spock, I can’t…”

“I understand.” He squeezes Jim’s hand, then lets go just as the pod finally begins to move once more. 

They sit in silence until they reach the bottom, at which point Spock helps Jim out of the pod once he’s gathered his things. 

“Daddy!” 

They turn just as David, Saavik, and Winona run up to them.

“Daddy, the ferris wheel broke! There were a whole bunch of people that came to fix it!”

Jim smiles weakly.

“Yeah, uh, we- we saw.”

David blinks, then frowns.

“Daddy, are you okay?” He asks in a soft, quiet voice. 

Jim gives him a shaky smile.

“Yeah, buddy, just- I think, uh, I think that funnel cake from earlier might be disagreeing with me a little. Might need to turn in early.”

“Oh.” David shifts his stance, sharing a look with Saavik. “I guess it is kind of late…”

“Well, you guys don’t have to, to come with me. I can just call for a ride-!”

Saavik suddenly lets out a loud, almost comically fake yawn. David does the same.

“I’m sleepy,” he declares. “We should go home.”

Jim frowns.

“You sure?”

Both David and Saavik nod, and Jim glances over at Spock. Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Well… okay, I guess…”

They begin heading toward the exit, at which point Winona comes up to her son’s side.

“Sweetheart, are you alright?”

“Y-Yeah, Mom, just… just a little under the weather.”

Winona seems unconvinced, but doesn’t push.

Spock follows her lead. They do not discuss it, not on the car ride home, nor at the house, nor even when they are going to bed.

He resolves to do it in the morning. Perhaps that would be easier for Jim.

---

It is dim, and Spock is so, so tired. He does not recall how long he has been awake at this point. He has not had a real meal in at least three days, subsisting on a single nutritional bar eaten in three segments over the course of twelve hours, and it is all he can do not to recall certain memories, certain memories that will break him even more than this isolation threatens to.

He takes a breath, then, for what he can only assume is the hundredth time, he opens a channel on all frequencies.

“This is Lieutenant Jim Kirk of the USS Republic,” Spock says in Jim’s voice. “I am currently stranded on a shuttle alongside Lieutenant Ben Finney. Our movement has been completely disabled, and we are running low on both power and supplies. Republic, do you read me?”

Silence. Spock’s stomach turns, and he increases the range of the broadcast.

“Any ship in the area, do you read me?”

Silence. Spock grits his teeth.

“Does anyone read me?”

Silence. A burst of rage bubbles up in Spock, and he slams his fist against the console.

“Dammit!”

He leans back in his chair, running his hands over his face and swearing to himself under his breath.

Slowly, the fear comes creeping in again. 

The fear that no one is coming. That the Republic has long since abandoned them to their fate, that they’re going to die out here and their bodies will be nothing but bones by the time someone does find them, if they ever do.

Spock shakes his head. He cannot think like that. Giving into fear will not help them. 

He exhales slowly, running his hand over his face again. 

“Just gotta keep trying,” he mutters to himself before sitting back up. He turns on the message again. “This is Lieutenant-!”

“Give a rest, will you?”

Spock glances over his shoulder to see a man with light hair standing in the doorway. He is staring at him with an almost entirely blank expression. He knows this man, somehow- a friend, someone he trusts.

“Sorry, Ben, still nothing,” Spock says. 

“I noticed,” Ben grouses. “Not like that hasn’t been the case for the whole time we’ve been out here.”

Spock huffs. 

“Look, I’m trying, Ben. That’s all I can do right now.”

“You don’t think I’m trying too? It’s not my fault the damn engine’s fucked.”

“I’m not saying it is, just-!” Spock cuts himself off with a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose and getting out of his chair. “Hell, Ben, let’s not fight, okay? I don’t have the energy right now-!”

A sudden beep rips through the conversation. Spock frowns, turning to look at the dashboard.

His stomach drops when he sees what the alert is for.

“Fuck.”

“What?”

“The- the oxygen supply is starting to get low.”

“What?!”

“It’s- fuck, Ben, we have a day left. Maybe two.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I wish I was.” Spock exhales slowly. “Look, we- we’ve just got to keep trying, alright? We-!”

“Stop.”

Spock blinks, turning to look at Ben. His eyes have gone wide, angry, and it… something about the way he’s looking at him makes the hair on the back of his neck rise.

“Ben?”

“Stop it,” Ben rasps, “stop it!”

“Stop what? Ben, I’m not even doing anything.”

“No, you’re doing it! Every time you breathe in, you’re doing it!” He points at the oxygen meter, dipping ever lower and lower. “When that runs out, I’m dead, and you keep bringing me closer!”

“Ben, you’re not making any sense,” Spock says as he takes a step back from him.

“I know exactly what I’m talking about! You keep breathing, wasting my air, and soon I’ll be dead!” Ben glowers at him. “Is that what you want? You want to take a father away from his infant daughter?”

“Of course not! Ben, you know I’d never do anything to hurt you, or Jame for that matter!” He holds out a hand. “Look, just- just take it easy, will you? We’re in a stressful situation, I don’t blame you for going a little nuts-!”

“I’m not crazy!” Ben snaps. “I’m seeing things perfectly clearly, and what I’m seeing is you using my air!”

Before Spock can say anything, Ben lunges at him. His fingers wrap tight, so tight around Spock’s throat, cutting off airflow immediately. He tries to choke out Ben’s name, but all he can do is gurgle uselessly as he tries to push him away.

In what feels like less than a minute, his knees go out from under him. Ben is on top of him now, wild-eyed and terrifying, and Spock…

Spock is going to die here if he doesn’t get away from him.

Spock begins kicking and flailing wildly, and finally, one of his legs connects, forcing Ben off of him. He gasps, coughing and choking.

“Stop!” Ben screams. “Stop, you’re taking my air, you’re killing me!”

Ben’s on him once again, but he manages to keep his hands away from his throat by punching him in the face. That’s not enough to deter him fully, and they scuffle and struggle for a while until Spock finally forces him off him.

Something goes skittering against the ground. Spock’s eyes immediately fall on it, going wide when he realizes that it’s Ben’s phaser. He glances up to see that Ben’s eyes are on it too, and he springs to get it before he can.

He’s not fast enough to get there before Ben. Their hands collide, neither getting a grip on it. Everything turns blurry after that; he kicks and pushes to get Ben away from him, but Ben holds on, trying to pry it from his fingers, and they fumble and fight for it until Spock finally gets his fingers on the trigger. 

He doesn’t hesitate to fire right at Ben’s gut. The loud, ugly drone of phaser fire cuts through their struggle, and then the room goes silent.

Ben falls over. Spock pants, trying to get his head on straight. 

“Fuck,” he swears. “God, Ben, this is going to be hell to explain on the… paperwork…”

Spock trails off as his eyes fall on Ben’s chest.

Ben’s unmoving chest.

“... Ben?” He asks. 

Ben doesn’t move. He’s eerily still- too still even for the stun effect.

Spock’s hands shake as he looks down at the settings of the phaser. His stomach drops when he sees what it’s been set to.

“No…” he whispers. He all but throws it away, suddenly terrified of what he’s got in his hands. “No, no, no, Ben…”

He turns Ben onto his back. His eyes are closed, his mouth hanging open, and he’s-

He’s not breathing.

“Ben!” Spock cries, shaking his shoulders desperately. The smell- the stench of burning flesh finally hits his nostrils; when he looks down, he sees the wound, already cauterized by the heat of the phaser shot. 

His heart races so loudly the sound fills his head. 

“Ben, wake up! Please, Ben, don’t-! Open your eyes!”

Ben doesn’t answer him- can’t, anymore, because Spock- 

Spock-

“Jim.”

Spock freezes, his heart jumping into his throat. Slowly, he looks up to see-

Himself. 

He sees himself, staring at him, so clearly horrified as to what he has just witnessed.

“Jim,” his other self asks, “what have you done?”

Spock wakes on a small, sharp inhale. Jim appears to have woken just seconds before he did, shouting something incomprehensible into the night air.

He is no longer on top of him, but their hands are touching. Through that, Spock senses a whirlwind of emotions: sadness, guilt, and above all a stomach-churning terror.

“Jim?” He calls softly, turning his head toward him.

Jim does not answer him, though he does hear him panting.

“Jim,” he tries again, “are you alright?”

“I,” Jim starts, “I… yeah, just… sorry. Nightmare.”

“I am aware,” Spock tells him. 

A weak bolt of amusement cuts through Jim’s emotional turmoil.

“Yeah, I guess- guess that was pretty obvious, huh?”

“It was, but I…”

Spock trails off, and Jim looks over at him, sweaty brow furrowed.

“What?”

Spock takes a breath.

“I was… not aware that this was possible until just this moment, but I believe I may have experienced your nightmare.”

Jim blinks.

“... what?” He asks in a weak voice.

“You are aware that, as a Vulcan, I am a touch telepath. I believe that the skin-to-skin contact between you and I while we were asleep allowed me to not only see your nightmare, but experience it as you did.”

Jim goes pale.

“You… you saw…”

Spock turns on his side to better face Jim.

“Jim, what happened-!”

“No.”

Spock blinks.

“Jim?”

“No, no, this-!” Jim suddenly scrambles away from him, all but falling out of bed and onto the floor.

“Jim!” Spock quickly sits up, swinging his legs as he gets out of bed and goes to the other side. “Jim, are you-?”

Jim slaps his hand away when Spock tries to reach for him.

“Don’t touch me!” He hisses before his expression turns to one of horror. “Fuck, wait, no. I-I, I’m sorry, I didn’t-!”

“Jim,” Spock interrupts, keeping his voice calm and level. “It is alright.”

“No, no, it’s not alright, you can’t-!” Jim’s chest starts to move faster. “Fuck.”

Before Spock can even think to say another word, Jim gets to his feet, running out of the guest room and down the stairs.

“Jim!” Spock calls, moving to follow him. 

By the time he gets downstairs, however, the porch door is already hanging open in the wind.

Notes:

... well i gave you something cute at the start didn't i

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 44: i think we can take it (all the good with the bad)

Notes:

tw: slight derealization, vomiting, panic attack, discussion of murder in self defense

Jim’s not entirely sure how long he’s been running for, nor in what direction. Time and space are a little fuzzy, a little hard to keep a hold of right now.

His pulse is pounding in his throat. Somewhere in the back of his mind he remembers it’s not physically possible, but it certainly feels like his heart is going to leap up and escape through his mouth. 

He stumbles past a tree, the bark scraping his palm; it’s not enough to break the skin, but it’s enough to sting a little. 

His ears are ringing. It’s a thin, high-pitched sound, almost seeming to be specifically designed to drive him insane.

He’s not convinced that it’s not doing just that.

“Fuck,” he gasps as he comes to a stop. “Fuck.”

Spock knows. Spock saw, Spock saw everything he did because Jim’s an idiot and let himself fall asleep while sharing a bed with a touch telepath, god, how could he have been so stupid?

And now Spock knows. 

Jim’s stomach turns.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, covering his mouth with his hand. 

Spock knows, and of course now Spock won’t- 

And Jim wouldn’t blame him, of course not, because it’s a safety thing, isn’t it? Can’t have someone like Jim around your children, he’s too dangerous, who knows the next time he’ll snap and-

God, why did he think he could have this? Some perfect life with a happy relationship and two great kids? He’s not meant to have things like that, he should have known better, and now Spock-

Spock’s going to-

Spock’s going to leave him-

Jim ducks behind a tree just before he doubles over and empties his guts. He coughs once it’s over, wiping at his mouth as he braces himself against the trunk. He manages to make his way to the side of the tree opposite of the mess, sliding down and breathing heavily. 

“Fuck.”

Jim swallows down a breath, then another. 

In… one… two… three… four.

Out… one… two… three… four.

Over and over.

Eventually, the knots in his chest and stomach unravel, though he’s still trembling slightly as the adrenaline recedes.

He leans his head back against the bark.

The forest is quiet at night. He rarely came out here this late when he was growing up, too afraid of the possibility of running into something or someone in the dark. 

He probably still should be worried about that, but honestly the chance of something getting him seems miniscule in the face of his very real problems.

Like how Spock knows.

Jim clenches his jaw.

He knew, of course, that he’d have to tell him someday. It’s one of the reasons he’s going to therapy, so he can talk about it without feeling like he was going to die at any second.

He just… he wasn’t ready for it to be so soon. He’s not ready for Spock to know yet; he still needs time to figure out how to discuss it without…

Well. Without being afraid that Spock will leave him over it. 

His eyes sting, and he sniffs.

It’s not like Spock wouldn’t have a right to leave him. This isn’t a small thing to keep from someone, after all. And Spock’s Vulcan, nonviolence is an important part of their culture. 

Spock leaving him would only be logical.

His vision blurs, and Jim sniffs again before burying his face in his knees. 

At least his sobs are silent. Thank god for small mercies.

By the time he’s done, his pajama pants are wet, his head hurts, and his butt is starting to hurt from sitting on the ground so long. He suspects there’ll be dirt all over it, so if he somehow manages to get back to bed he’ll need to take them off.

Of course, that’s assuming Spock doesn’t kick him out of-!

A twig snaps somewhere nearby, and Jim’s head pops up. He looks around, trying to see if it’s a wild animal or something-!

“Jim?”

The first things that Jim feels at the sound of Spock’s voice is relief, affection, a desire to be pulled into deceptively strong arms and held fast.

The next thing he feels is dread, not helped by him remembering Spock telling him about how Vulcans have better sight in the dark than Humans. He tries to keep still, hoping that Spock will just… pass him by, or something. 

The footsteps get closer. 

“Jim?” He calls again. The sound is close now, probably a few feet away. 

Which is right when Jim’s leg cramps. He bites his lip, trying to shift just ever-so-slightly and ever-so-silently so as to not alert Spock-!

Something rustles. He hears Spock inhale sharply.

“Jim.”

Jim flinches, burying his face in his knees again as Spock’s rapid footsteps come closer. A minute later, he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Jim.”

Jim tries to shy away from his touch, but Spock refuses to let him.

“Jim, please look at me.”

Jim shakes his head.

“Jim, please.”

There’s something… almost desperate in Spock’s voice, just enough that Jim looks up at him. 

“Are you injured in any way?”

“I… no, I… I don’t think so.” He swallows. “I did vomit, but other than that I’m… well.”

Spock’s shoulders untense slightly.

“I am gratified to hear that.”

Jim blinks up at him.

“You… you were worried? About me?”

“You ran out of the house and into the woods in the middle of the night and in a state of panic, Jim. Any of those alone would be concerning, even if you were not my partner.”

Jim inhales sharply, throat going tight.

“I’m sorry,” Jim blurts. “I’m- I’m so sorry, Spock, I didn’t- I never wanted you to see any of that.”

“It was not your fault,” Spock tells him. “You are not in control of whether or not you have a nightmare, Jim.”

“No, but I could have- I could have slept on the couch, or in the basement on an air mattress, or, or just not slept at all-!”

“Ashayam, I would not want you to do any of those things,” Spock interrupts.

“But you saw,” Jim argues. “You saw something horrible because of me.”

“That is preferable to you suffering alone.”

Jim inhales sharply, then swallows hard. He turns his gaze back to his knees.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

“You do not need to apologize, Jim.”

“Yes, I do. I kept- kept something,” Jim exhales slowly, trying to keep himself from shaking too badly, “kept something so- so important from you, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Spock tells him, “but I understand why you needed to.”

Jim swallows again, trying not to cry.

“You don’t have to be so gentle about this,” he mutters. “I know it’s… that you didn’t sign up for, for all of this.”

He takes a breath in.

“I… I understand if this is a dealbreaker.”

Spock is silent for a long, long moment. Jim is tempted to keep talking, to fill the silence so that he doesn’t have to think, but he clamps his mouth shut instead. He figures it’s the least he can do for Spock.

“Jim,” Spock finally says in a quiet voice, “do you believe that I am going to leave you because of this?”

Jim flinches, gripping his pajama pants below the knee.

“Like- like I said, I wouldn’t blame you.” 

Spock goes silent for a moment. Then, suddenly, a hand moves under Jim’s chin, tilting his face in Spock’s direction. It’s hard to see him clearly in the dark, but there’s enough light for Jim to read the serious expression on his face.

“I have no intention of leaving you,” Spock tells him. “Not over this, nor any other aspect of your mental health.”

Jim blinks at him, lips parting.

“I- you don’t have to- Spock, you shouldn’t feel obligated-!”

“I have no such obligation, Jim. I will not leave because I do not want to.”

Jim swallows.

“You say that now, but… Spock, I know that nonviolence is a key part of your culture, and I can’t ask you to- I don’t want you to…”

“You do not want me to do what?” Spock presses after Jim trails off.

“I don’t want you to end up hating me,” Jim says quietly. “I don’t want you to think less of me, or to think that I’m, I’m crazy or that I’d ever do anything to-!”

“I do not think those things, and I would not think them because of this,” Spock interrupts. “Jim, you acted in self defense, there is no reason for you to believe that I would-!”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Jim snaps. “I know it’s, it’s illogical to think the way I do, and I’m trying, but I can’t-!”

Jim cuts himself off, covering his face and breathing in deeply.

“I’m sorry,” he says suddenly. “I’m sorry, I don’t- I shouldn’t yell at you, I just… I don’t want this to change the way you see me.”

“It has not,” Spock says before pausing. “Or, rather, it has not done so in a negative fashion.”

Spock scoots forward, putting his hands on Jim’s shoulders.

“It is true that nonviolence is a core Vulcan belief. It is also one that I have struggled with, especially when I made the decision to apply to Starfleet Academy.” He moves to cup Jim’s face. “The conclusion I came to was that while violence is to be avoided unless strictly necessary, it is not illogical to defend oneself or others, especially if there is an imminent danger of death. Ben Finney planned to kill you, and it was that decision that led to his own death.”

“I know, but I could have- have tried harder to incapacitate him, or made sure the phaser was set to stun-!”

“And you would not have had to had he not set it to kill before approaching you. The oxygen meter set him off, but Finney was already considering killing you before that.”

Jim’s throat tightens, his vision blurring slightly.

“I know,” Jim admits. “I know he, he was probably going to kill me anyway, but I- Spock, he was my friend. He named his daughter after me, and I still-!”

“He still, as well,” Spock interrupts. “You were his friend too, and he still planned to kill you. You, at least, did not do it purposely.”

“No, but-!”

“Jim. No one could reasonably expect you to do anything different than what you did and still have survived that encounter. It was unfortunate, but ultimately justifiable.”

Jim looks up at Spock, then turns away, exhaling slowly.

“You sound like the tribunal when they dismissed the charges rather than court martial me.”

“A legally sound decision,” Spock replies.

“Yeah, well, legally sound doesn’t mean that I didn’t take a father away from his daughter. She was younger than David is now when he died.”

Spock is quiet for a long moment. Then, he sits down next to Jim.

“I do not know if there is a good answer here,” he admits quietly. “I only know that I do not hold you solely responsible for Finney’s death.”

“But I am responsible,” Jim says quietly. “I killed him, Spock. There’s no way around that.”

“No, there is not.”

Neither of them speak for a little while. 

Then, Spock breaks the silence.

“This incident… is this the reason you took a position on Earth?” 

Jim exhales slowly.

“Yeah,” he says. “I couldn’t- being in space kept bringing me back to being stuck on the shuttle. Hard to function on the bridge crew when you can’t look out the viewscreen without having a panic attack.”

“What about your medication?”

“Starfleet policy prohibits officers on certain medications from serving on the bridge crew, let alone the command team,” Jim replies. “If I’d stayed on the Republic, I’d be stuck down on the lower decks for the rest of my career, and I…”

He swallows.

“All I ever wanted to be was a captain, Spock. When that door closed, I just couldn’t make myself stay out there. It was too much.” He exhales. “So I transferred to a base on Earth. Met Carol a couple years after that, and… well, you know the rest.”

“And your nightmares? Have you had the same one the entire time?”

Jim looks away.

“Not always. Sometimes they’re a lot more abstract, or they start from when Ben was already…” 

“But you have had them since the incident?”

“Yeah. Pretty consistently.” Jim hesitates. “I… nowadays, I usually only have them on days when I have therapy.”

“Is that why you do not stay over on days you have therapy?”

Jim swallows. 

“I didn’t want to wake you or Saavik. I already woke up a partner a lot, it… it makes things hard.” He sighs. “I told Carol they were all about Tarsus, after I told her about that. I hated lying to her, but… I was scared.”

“Of what?”

“That she’d leave me.” He chuckles humorlessly. “I didn’t have the guts to tell her until it was clear our marriage wasn’t going to work out anyway, and I was still terrified she’d take David away from me.”

“You are a very capable and loving parent,” Spock replies. “And while I cannot claim to know Carol as well as you do, I know that she knows that as well, and would not weaponize your mental health against you.”

Jim huffs.

“I know that, Spock, but… I lost everything over this once. My career, my future- one routine mission and it was all gone. It’s hard for me to ignore the voice that says that if anyone knows, it’ll happen all over again.”

Spock scoots a little closer so that their arms touch. 

“While I know that quieting that voice will take time, I can offer you relief during the interim.”

Jim blinks, looking up at him.

“Oh?” 

Spock pauses as if considering his next words carefully.

“Multiple telepathic species are able to soothe nightmares without waking the sleeping person in question. As Vulcans do not dream, there is little known about our touch telepathy in that regard, but from a personal standpoint I have seen it work. If you would like, I would assist you in that way when you have nightmares.”

Jim hesitates, looking away.

“Spock, I… I don’t know.”

“I understand. Sharing one’s mind with their partner is highly intimate by Vulcan standards, and I have read that many Humans are uncomfortable with the concept-!”

“No, that’s not- it’s not the telepathy I specifically have a problem with, Spock, it’s just…” Jim swallows, looking away. “There’s… there’s a lot of shit in here. I’ve told you about most of it, but I… just hearing about it is different from having lived it. I wouldn’t want to put anyone through the things I’ve been through, least of all you.”

After a moment of thought, Spock moves so that he is sitting in front of Jim, leaning forward to put a hand on his forearm.

“I cannot take your pain from you,” he begins, “but I would be honored if you would allow me to share in your burdens, no matter how difficult they are.”

He moves his hand to Jim’s cheek, cupping it gently.

“You will not frighten me away, Jim. I promise.”

Jim takes a shaky breath, his vision blurring. He feels his face crumple, and Spock quickly draws him into his arms. He clings to him, letting himself sob into Spock’s shoulder for who knows how long.

The night air is still around them. It almost makes the entire world feel as though it’s just them, and despite everything Jim can’t help but be grateful for that.

“I don’t… I don’t think I can do it tonight.” Jim says once he’s calmed down. “The meld, I mean.”

“I would not expect you to. I believe our first meld should be done when you are calm and comfortable, rather than still working through your distress.”

Jim breathes in, then out against Spock’s chest. 

“Soon, maybe.”

“If you would like.”

He looks up at him.

“Would you like it?”

“I will defer to your-!”

“Spock.”

Spock hesitates, then takes a breath.

“Regular melding is typical for Vulcans in relationships,” Spock begins, “but only in pairings that have reached a certain point- roughly the equivalent of engagement. As we are not at that point in our relationship, I see no reason to rush it.”

Jim gives him a lopsided smile.

“You realize that doesn’t answer my question, don’t you?”

Spock sighs.

“Yes,” he admits. “I would like to meld with you. But I will not ask that of you now- even if you were Vulcan, I would not ask that of you yet.”

Jim smiles softly.

“Well, when you think it’s time, let me know.” He frowns. “Is there anything I should do? Do I need to learn how to meditate?”

“No, but if you would like to, I will teach you.” Spock gets to his feet and holds out his arm. “Now, I believe we should return to your parents’ home soon.”

Jim nods, taking hold of Spock’s arm. To his surprise, Spock pulls him into a hug as soon as he’s on his feet. Affection bursts in his chest, and suddenly he can’t keep it for one second longer.

“I love you.”

Spock freezes. Jim’s heart drops into his stomach, and he takes a half-step back.

“I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have- it’s, this has been an emotionally charged night, and I shouldn’t have added to it by-!”

“Jim,” Spock interrupts gently, “I would ask that you only apologize if you did not truly mean what you just said.”

Jim inhales sharply, eyes flicking up to meet Spock’s.

“You… really?”

Spock nods.

“I… I am not… verbally expressing affection in this way is difficult for me,” he admits. “But I would like you to know that I also…”

Spock continues to flounder for a moment, but Jim’s lips spread into a relieved grin regardless. He quickly wraps his arms around Spock again, holding him tight.

“I’m so glad,” Jim says, his voice slightly muffled by Spock’s shoulder.“I was sure you felt the same way, but I’m so glad I know now.”

“Then… you are not bothered that I am unable to say it back?”

“Of course not. Maybe you don’t say it, but you show it in the things you do and say to me. That’s more than enough for me.”

He feels Spock untense slightly, and he smiles before pulling back. 

“Come on, we should get going.”

Spock nods, offering his arm again. Jim takes it, holding on as Spock leads him through the forest. 

After a while, a thought occurs to Jim, and he sighs.

“Is something troubling you?”

“I have to call my therapist in the morning, don’t I?”

“It would be wise,” Spock tells him. “Do you not want to?”

Jim grimaces.

“I just… I feel like I’ve had a setback, I guess, and it’s kind of… embarrassing to admit it.”

“There is no reason to be embarrassed, Jim. From what I have read, setbacks are common when it comes to the recovery process.”

Jim blinks, looking up at Spock.

“You’ve read up about this?”

“I wished to know what you may go through on your, as it was put, ‘healing journey’ so that I may better be able to support you.”

Jim’s heart thrums in his chest.

“God, Spock, I really wish I could kiss you right now.”

“You may, after you brush your teeth.”

Jim laughs softly, then slows as the house comes into view.

“Spock?”

“Yes?”

“Could you do me a favor? When I call my therapist tomorrow, could you maybe make sure that my parents are busy?”

Spock looks over at him, and Jim holds up a hand.

“I know, I know, I should tell them, but honestly, I don’t think I can have another big, emotional conversation on this trip.”

Spock purses his lips, then nods.

“That is understandable. I will make sure to occupy both them and the children.”

Jim smiles.

“I can’t wait to kiss you again,” he says.

The corners of Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“I too look forward to it.”

---

“Thanks again for talking to me on such short notice, Dr. Singh.”

“Not a problem, Jim. I’m glad you called. We’ll discuss this more at your next session- Tuesday, according to my schedule.”

Jim nods, then bids Singh farewell before hanging up his comm. He sighs, laying back on the bed and running a hand over his face. A moment later, there’s a soft knock at the guest room door. Jim looks up, expecting to see Spock, only to find Saavik standing in the doorway.

“Hey there,” he greets. “Thought you were busy playing with the kittens.”

Saavik shakes her head, then begins signing.

I wanted to see you.

“Oh, yeah?” Jim says as he sits up. “What for?”

Saavik hesitates, shuffling a little, then starts signing again.

I heard you scream last night.

Jim blinks before his stomach drops.

“I… um.” He swallows. “You did, huh?”

Are you okay?

“Oh, I’m alright, Saavik, I just… just had a bad dream.”

Saavik’s eyes widen.

Adults can have bad dreams?

Jim blinks again, then feels his expression soften.

“Yeah. They can.”

Saavik looks a little crestfallen at that.

They won’t go away when I get older?

“Oh, Saavik.” Jim stands up, walking over to her and kneeling down. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, but that’s not really how nightmares work.”

Saavik’s lip quivers, and Jim puts a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, but you know what? There are ways to make them easier to handle.”

Saavik looks up at him, frowning as she starts to sign again.

Like what?

“Well, I have someone I talk to every couple of weeks. Maybe you could ask your father if that’s something you could do?”

Saavik considers this, then nods.

“Attagirl.” Jim reaches up, ruffling her hair gently. “You’re gonna be alright, Saavik. I just know it.”

Saavik smiles, then moves to wrap her arms around Jim’s neck. Jim wraps his arms around her, squeezing gently before letting her go. 

“Why don’t you head back downstairs, huh? I’m sure the kittens miss you.”

Saavik nods, turning around and running out of the room. Jim chuckles as he gets to his feet.

As he does, though, a thought occurs to him.

Or, rather, a memory of something Spock said last night.

“As Vulcans do not dream…”

Jim blinks, then frowns.

“Wait, but then…”

“Daddy!” He hears David call up the stairs. “Nana says it’s lunch time!”

“Okay, bud, be right down!” 

Jim tries to put the thought out of his mind, but even as he rejoins the rest of the family a single question niggles at him.

If Vulcans don’t dream, then how does Saavik have nightmares?

Notes:

good a time as any to say that we're coming up on the final arc of this fic. i figure it'll be wrapped up in a few chapters, but i'm not sure how many yet. thank you all so much for sticking with me all this time!

comments are always appreciated!

(title from "you and i" by mountain man)

Chapter 45: musings

The door to Spock’s apartment bursts open approximately two seconds after Jim’s first knock, revealing a very excited Saavik right behind it and a typically neutral-looking Spock standing at the end of the entry hall.

“SAAVIK!” David shouts, immediately moving to hug her. “I missed you!”

“You saw each other yesterday,” Jim points out, earning a look from David that could only say “how many times do we have to go over this?”

“That was forever ago, Daddy.” David turns back to Saavik. “Are you excited about going to the science museum?”

Saavik nods, then begins to sign as Spock walks past her.

I want to see the dinosaurs!

“We’ll definitely do that. It’s a pretty cool exhibit, I think you’ll like it a lot.”

“From what the museum has put on the Net, it does seem like a fascinating experience,” Spock agrees as he closes the door behind Jim. Jim smiles at him, then leans in for a quick kiss.

“Hi.”

“Hello. Thank you for taking her for the afternoon.”

“Of course, I don’t mind at all. It’ll be fun.”

A meow comes from somewhere behind Spock, and both children turn towards it.

“Daddy, can we play with the kitty for a little while?”

Jim looks up at Spock.

“My meeting with Michael is not scheduled for another thirty minutes,” Spock says. 

“Sure, go have fun.”

Both of their children cheer before running into the living room. Jim gestures after them.

“After you.”

Spock turns and walks toward the kitchen, headed for the refrigerator.

“Would you like anything to drink?”

“Oh, just water, thanks. You sure you’re okay with us going to the science museum without you? It seems like it would be your thing.”

Spock turns back towards him and raises an eyebrow. 

“Unless it has been thoroughly buried in the news, the museum will not be closing its doors any time soon. Besides that, it is unlikely that you will be able to visit every single exhibit in the museum before the children are too exhausted to continue.”

“That’s true, although David’s likely to insist on going to the dig site for the hundredth time. Which reminds me, Saavik will probably be coming home with a small fossil.”

“I will make certain there is room for it,” Spock replies as he hands Jim a glass of water.

“Glad to hear it. You excited about seeing your sister?”

Spock’s fingers twitch slightly around his own glass.

“I… am looking forward to it, yes.”

Jim inclines his head slightly.

“And maybe a little nervous?” He suggests.

Spock exhales slowly.

“I admit some… trepidation towards our meeting, yes. I have not spoken to Michael in over fifteen years, and I… I do not wish to do anything that could negatively impact our relationship again.”

Jim smiles, reaching over to run a hand up and down Spock’s upper arm.

“She’s still your sister, Spock. Just build off the conversations you’ve already had through messages: Saavik, your work, things like that. It’ll come back eventually.” He squeezes. “Remember, she cares about you, and you care about her. You just have to figure out a way to make it work.”

Spock still looks a bit nervous, but nods. 

“Thank you again for taking the children for the day,” he says. “You are certain you do not mind minding them both on your own?”

“Nah, I can handle it. Besides, it’ll be fun. There’s a big hands-on section that David loves, I think Saavik will have a great time with it too.” Jim grins. “Though I expect David will have a million questions for you and Carol later.”

“I would be more than willing to answer them, as I’m sure would Carol. Fostering David’s scientific curiosity is quite enjoyable.”

Jim laughs, then glances over at the kids. They’re on the couch, giggling as Ashaya jumps at the ribbon toy, and he smiles.

Then his eyes catch on Saavik as she pushes a stray curl behind one pointed ear. A knot forms in his chest, one that nearly makes it impossible for him to breathe.

“Jim?”

Jim jolts slightly, looking over at Spock.

“Sorry, did you say something?”

“I asked what you planned to do for lunch.”

“Oh, uh, the- the museum has an onsite cafe that sells sandwiches, I was just going to get something from there.”

“I see.” Spock knits his brow together. “Are you alright, Jim?”

Jim barely keeps himself from wincing, forcing a smile.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, just… I’m a little tired, you know? Took a little bit longer than usual to get David to go to bed last night, he was really excited about this trip.”

“Ah, I see. Saavik was also quite excited about it. I was not expecting her to be willing to delay it for any reason.”

“She does love the cat, though.”

Spock tilts his head slightly, but raises his eyebrows in agreement.

“Daddy, we’re ready to go now!”

“And that’s my cue, I guess.” 

They all walk over to the door, Jim herding the kids out into the hall before turning to look at Spock.

“I love you. Have a good time with your sister.”

Spock nods, then leans in for a kiss.

“Have a good time. Please behave yourselves at the museum, and listen to what Jim tells you.”

Both children nod, then begin trying to drag Jim away. Jim laughs, shooting Spock a smile before allowing them to pull him along.

It’s not until he’s got the kids set up in the car and the autopilot engaged that his mind wanders back to what happened back in Iowa.

That one question that he keeps coming back to.

Jim grimaces.

He’s tried to keep himself from thinking about it all week, with little luck. Every time he looks over at Saavik, the question pops into his head.

If Vulcans don’t dream, how can Saavik have nightmares?

He tries to tell himself that there must be a reasonable explanation for the contradiction: Spock could easily have just meant adult Vulcans don’t dream, rather than it being a rule of thumb for all Vulcans of every age. Spock leaves out details like that sometimes.

Except… well, it would be a weird detail for him to leave out, right? He usually leaves out things like that when it would lead to more questions that he isn’t ready to answer yet; Jim can’t imagine that there’s something important about Vulcan children having dreams that he wants to avoid talking about.

So then why does Saavik have nightmares? 

Jim shifts in his seat.

It’s not implausible that there’s another species running around that’s almost indistinguishable from Vulcans, he supposes. How many Humanoid species are there that can hardly be told apart from Humans without the use of an x-ray machine?

What trips Jim up, though, is it being kept a secret and Saavik being presented as a Vulcan. Sure, Vulcans are a proud people, but surely there’s no harm in having it be known that there’s a species or two that’s similar to them.

Unless there is.

Jim bites back a sigh.

God, but he sounds like a conspiracy theorist when he goes down that road, like that one kid in his cohort that claimed that Section 31 actually operates with no oversight from Starfleet. 

No, there must be a different, entirely normal and reasonable explanation. One that doesn’t mean Jim’s accidentally stumbled upon a government cover-up through comforting his boyfriend’s daughter. 

Because frankly, Jim isn’t entirely sure how to handle that being his life.

---

“There you are, sir. Enjoy your visit!”

“Thanks,” Jim says as he takes his credit chip and the admittance wristbands from the front desk attendant. He turns towards the kids, ushering them over near a seating area, then kneels down. “Here, I’ll help you put these on.”

Saavik walks up to him, holding out her arm. Jim wraps the band around it just tightly enough that it won’t fall off.

“There you go, all done.”

Saavik signs a quick thank you before stepping away.

“Me next!” David declares, holding out his arm. Jim puts his on, then puts his own on.

 “Alright, we’ve got the whole museum at our disposal until around two-thirty, which is when the planetarium show is.”  

“Have you ever been to a planetarium before, Saavik?”

Saavik hums, thinking, then shakes her head.

“It’s really cool! They show you stuff like our star system, and then Vulcan’s star system, and then the whole galaxy!”

Saavik’s eyes light up with excitement, and Jim can’t help but smile.

“That’s our last stop, though. What do you guys think should be our first one?”

“Dinosaurs!” David shouts, throwing his arms up in the air. Saavik nods eagerly, and Jim chuckles.

“Alright, dinosaurs it is. Saavik, you’ll like this- after the exhibit, there’s a sandbox you can dig around for fossils in.”

“Yeah, and you get to keep whatever you find!” David pauses. “Except the big ones, those are stuck in there.”

Saavik giggles, then grabs both of their arms and starts tugging them toward the dinosaur exhibit. 

“Oh, oh! After the dinosaurs, we gotta go to the rain forest!”

Saavik makes a questioning sound just as they arrive in front of the dinosaur exhibit.

“It’s this, big, big,” David thrusts out his arms for effect, “really big dome where they’ve got trees and stuff from the Amazon rainforest. It’s got lots of birds, and butterflies, and frogs and lizards and all kinda stuff! There’s this one really cool frog where you can see the inside of its belly, it’s called a glass frog and…”

---

The museum, as Jim expected, is a big hit with the kids. It takes a little longer to navigate the dinosaur exhibit than expected, not least because Saavik is very taken with the blue whale skeleton hanging from a vaulted ceiling. 

(He’s still not sure she knows that they’re extinct yet, but he’s definitely not going to push the matter. He’s not about to be the person that tells her her favorite animal doesn’t exist anymore.)

He’s not surprised that either of them take to the fossil area like fish to water; their sandbox adventures have shown that both of them have an affinity for digging. Both are a little sandy afterward, but seem clean enough after a quick once-over. With their new fossils stored safely in Jim’s backpack, they head for the rainforest exhibit, which is another hit: Jim gets a lot of great pictures of the kids' faces overcome with pure wonder and excitement.

“Do you think that other planets have places like this?” David asks while they’re observing the flooded forest layer of the dome.

“Oh, absolutely. And other ones have biomes that we can’t even begin to imagine.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, that’s why I joined Starfleet. I wanted to see those places for myself.”

Saavik begins to sign.

Did you?

“Oh, yeah, lots of ‘em.” Not as many as he wanted, but he’s not about to tell the kids that. “There was this one planet with low gravity, probably similar to Earth’s moon, where we could jump over the trees…”

Both of the kids listen to his story intently with wide, shining eyes. Saavik in particular is rapt with attention, demanding another story about another planet he’s been to once he’s finished.

“Saavik, sweetheart, I know you like the stories, but we’ve only got a limited amount of time before we need to head over to the planetarium,” Jim tells her after she asks for another story when he’s finished telling her about the ocean planet he once visited. 

Saavik deflates slightly, and Jim bites his lip.

“Tell you what, we’ll finish this exhibit, then get lunch, and while we’re doing that I’ll tell you another story, how about that?”

Saavik perks up, nodding vigorously. Jim chuckles, reaching over to ruffle her hair.

“Glad to hear it. Now, come on, let’s get moving.”

---

“Alright, let’s see… they’ve got peanut butter and jelly, Saavik, does that sound good?”

Saavik considers this, then nods. 

“I want peanut butter and jelly too!” David declares.

“Sure thing, bud. I’ll take two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, one turkey with mayo, and three bottles of water.”

“Aw, Daddy, can’t we get soda?”

“No, because I don’t want you two bouncing out of your seats while we’re in the planetarium.”

“Aw…”

Jim huffs, then takes the waters from the cashier. He turns and hands one to each of the kids.

“Go find a table, okay?”

“Kay!”

The two of them run toward the tables, and Jim turns back toward the cashier to pay.

“Your kids are really cute,” the cashier says just as Jim takes his credit chip back. He nearly drops it, only barely managing to play it off. 

“I, uh…” After a moment, Jim just smiles. “Yeah, they really are. They can be a handful, though.”

“I’ll bet, I’ve got one around their age. I can’t imagine having two.”

Jim laughs. 

“Well, it’s definitely rewarding in the end.” He puts his chip away, then takes the sandwiches from her when she holds them out. “Thanks.”

“Of course. Have a wonderful rest of your visit.”

Jim smiles at her, then turns to head over to where the kids are sitting. 

“Alright, we’ve got two peanut butter and jellies for you two,” he says as he sets each of their sandwiches in front of them, “and a turkey sandwich with mayo for me. All good?”

“Mm!” David answers. “Thank you, Daddy!”

Saavik signs her thanks, then digs into her sandwich. Jim smiles, then moves to take a bite of his sandwich.

“Oh, Daddy!”

Jim stops just as he’s about to bite into his lunch, looking over at David.

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“You said you’d tell us another story while we had lunch!”

Jim frowns, glancing at his sandwich, then back at the expectant faces of his children.

“I was kind of hoping to eat lunch before that.”

“Aw, but you said you would!” David whines.

Saavik nods, then begins to sign.

You promised.

Jim presses his lips together, then sighs.

“Look, how about we each eat half of our sandwiches, then I’ll tell you another story. Deal?”

Saavik and David exchange a look, then both nod.

“Deal,” David declares before tucking back into his sandwich.

Jim resists the urge to sigh, then finally bites into his sandwich. As he chews, he notices Saavik’s curls bouncing dangerously close to her sandwich, and he quickly swallows.

“Ah, Saavik, honey?”

Saavik hums as she looks up, jelly already gathered at the corners of her mouth.

“Tuck your hair behind your ear, okay? I don’t want anything getting in there.”

Saavik blinks, but nods, tucking one lock of hair behind her ear. It immediately springs back into place, and she frowns, repeating the motion and getting the same result.

“Uh… okay, hang on, maybe I have something in here that’ll help,” Jim says as he starts digging through his bag. He’s not actually sure what he’d be looking for, but to his surprise his fingers catch on a small bunch of elastic hair ties in the bottom of his bag. He pulls one out, furrowing his brow at the bright pink color. “Saavik, is this one of yours?”

Saavik nods.

“Huh. Wonder how it got in my bag.”

“Maybe Ashaya put it in there when you were staying over at Mister Dr. Spock’s apartment,” David suggests.

“You know, that does sound like something she’d do,” Jim agrees. He gets out of his chair, walking behind Saavik’s. “Alright, sweetheart, let’s get your hair pulled back.”

It takes a while for Jim to get Saavik’s hair into what he classifies as a “good enough” ponytail; he doesn’t have the experience with it that Spock does, what with David’s hair never getting long enough for a ponytail to be a viable hair-do. He manages to tame her curls back and away from her face, and he’s willing to let that be enough.

“There we go. Not too tight?”

Saavik shakes her head, then smiles up at him and signs.

Thank you.

Jim smiles back at her, affection blooming bright in his chest.

“Of course, kiddo. Now, eat up, okay?”

She nods, turning back to her sandwich, and as Jim returns to his seat the question about her nightmares returns to the forefront of his mind.

This time, though, he has an answer.

Does it really matter? She’s Saavik either way.

“Daddy, I’m done with half of my sandwich! Can we have the story now?”

“David, I’m still eating and so is Saavik. You have to wait until everyone is done eating their half.”

“Aw…”

---

As Jim expected, the planetarium show is a big hit with the kids. Both of them are enthralled by the show, although Jim does have to hush them a little whenever they see a planet Jim’s been to. Still, they both seem to have a great time, and are still chatting about it excitedly as they exit the theater.

“And did you see that one planet with the really, really big mice? It was so cool!”

Saavik nods, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.

“Glad you two had a good time.” Jim looks down at his comm. “Well, I think it’s about time we-!”

“Daddy, look!”

Jim looks over at David, then looks over at where he’s pointing. There’s a sign emblazoned with the words “history of Starfleet” pointing to an exhibit.

“Can we go there, please?”

Jim hums.

“Well… I suppose Spock wouldn’t mind if we were a little late.”

Both children cheer, then start running over to the exhibit. Jim quickly runs in after them, catching up just as they reach the start of the exhibit. Jim reads out some of the placards for them, starting with various historical events leading up to the founding of the United Federation of Planets.

“Look, Saavik,” Jim says when they reach an image of Earth’s First Contact with Vulcans, “there’s your great-great-grandfather.”

Saavik hums, peering up at the picture of Solkar before looking up at Jim and signing.

He and Father have the same chin.

Jim can’t help but laugh at that.

“You know, they do. Good eye, sweetheart.”

Saavik beams as they move on to the next display, which is about the beginning of the Warp Five program. Eventually, they come upon a placard about the Klingon that landed on Earth right around the launch of the first Enterprise, which is accompanied by images of both Klingons seen then and a more recent transmission from the Empire.

“How come one of the Klingons in the picture has those things on his forehead and the other one doesn’t, Daddy?”

“Ah, uh…” Jim pauses, trying to remember what he learned in that one history class at the Academy. “A long time ago, some Klingons got sick with a virus that made their forehead ridges go away. It affected their genetics, so some Klingons still don’t have them even though the virus has been cured.”

“Oh. Is the virus why they want to fight us all the time?”

“Uh… it’s… it’s complicated,” Jim settles on- he’d prefer to avoid explaining the concept of eugenics to his four-year-old if possible.

“Oh. Do you think maybe the Klingons could be our friends someday?”

Jim hums. 

“Maybe. It probably won’t be until I’m an old man at least.”

“How old? As old as Grandpa?”

“Older, I’ll bet. People are stubborn, and it’s a long-standing conflict.”

David hums.

“I hope it doesn’t take that long.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jim turns to look over at Saavik. “Saavik, what do you… think…?”

He trails off, frowning when he sees that Saavik has walked a short way away from them to another item in the exhibit. He pulls David along, then kneels down next to her.

“Saavik, honey, you know you’re not supposed to just walk away like that.”

Saavik turns to him, frowning as she signs an apology, then turns back to the display she was looking at, getting up on her toes and craning her neck.

“What are you looking for?” He asks.

Saavik turns to him and starts signing.

Where are the pictures of the…

Saavik pauses, frowning, then begins to finger spell.

R-O-M-U-L-A-N-S?

Jim blinks, then clears his throat.

“Well, uh, no one’s- no one’s ever seen a Romulan on this side of the Neutral Zone, sweetheart. We don’t have any pictures of them to go off of.”

Saavik frowns and starts to sign.

I’ve seen them. So has Father.

Jim furrows his brow before realization strikes him. He glances over his shoulder to check that David isn’t paying attention, then looks back at Saavik. 

He hesitates, then takes a breath.

“How would you and Spock know what Romulans look like?”

My first father was from where they are.

Jim’s stomach drops. He swallows, then takes a breath.

“Let’s, uh… why don’t we talk about this more with your father, okay?”

Saavik seems confused, but nods before turning back to the display. 

Jim stands up, slowly breathing in and out through his nose. He swears in his head, trying not to think about how a few puzzle pieces have slid into place, ones from months ago that he’d almost forgotten about.

Like Spock’s reaction to those gossiping parents at that birthday party. Or Spock looking pale when he mentioned that incident at the Neutral Zone almost two years ago now. 

Jim breathes in, then out, then plasters on a smile as he ushers the kids to the next display.

Later, he tells himself. He’ll talk to Spock about it later.

Even if he’s more than a little worried about what he’ll find out.

Notes:

sorry this one's a little later than usual! lost power for a few hours because my neighbor's house caught on fire. everyone's physically fine!

also, the museum here is a mix of the california academy of sciences and the fort worth museum of science and history, because i love both of those museums very much

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 46: impasse

There’s a beep on the monitor, signalling that his request has been received. Spock takes one last breath, then presses the call button.

In an instant, a holographic version of Michael appears. 

“Hi, Spock,” she greets softly. “It is good to see you.”

“Hello, Michael. It is good to see you as well.”

She smiles at him, and Spock takes a moment to take in her appearance. Her face is faintly lined near the corners of her eyes and near her cheeks, suggesting long periods of stress and happiness in equal measure. Her hair is long and intricately braided, a stark contrast to the Surakian-style wigs she wore when they were younger. She has on a black t-shirt with the word “SHEN” printed across the chest with a grey cardigan on top of that that resembles something their mother once owned. 

More than any of that, however, is the way she carries herself. There is a confidence, a peace of mind that Spock never saw on her when they were younger. 

It suits her.

“How have you been?”

“I have been well. Now that the Academy is out of session for summer break, I have had more time to catch up on research papers I have been unable to read yet.”

Michael smiles.

“That’s good. We’ve been orbiting a planet with a mainly arctic climate for a few days, doing some scans. No signs of life thus far, but we’ve adjusted the sensors to look further into the planet just in case there’s someone living down there.”

“That is common for species on such worlds. Is it in an otherwise inhabited system?”

“There’s a sapient species a couple planets over. They’re about to hit their industrial age, so it’ll still be quite a long time until they make it to warp.”

“I see. Those are usually quite intriguing to observe. While the patterns typically remain the same, the exact minutia by which species advance in technology tends to vary greatly.”

“True. This species is strikingly similar to Humanity in their particular technological advances, though.”

“Fascinating.”

“Indeed.” Michael shifts in her seat. “So, is your daughter out?”

“Saavik is with my partner and his son. He has taken them both to a local science museum.”

Michael’s eyebrows rise.

“Your partner?”

“Yes. His name is Jim Kirk, he is a tactics professor at the Academy. His son, David, is roughly nine months older than Saavik.”

“I see.” Michael clears her throat. “And T’Pring?”

Spock frowns.

“What about T’Pring?”

“Is she in the picture, or…?”

“Why would T’Pring have any involvement with my daughter?”

Michael blinks, furrowing her brow.

“She isn’t Saavik’s mother?”

“... ah, I see. No, she is not, nor is Saavik my biological child. I adopted her one point eight-seven years ago.”

“Ah, I see. You know, that actually makes a lot more sense than T’Pring being her mother.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“How so?”

Michael hesitates for a moment. 

“Well, to be frank, Spock, I did not believe you two were the best fit for each other. She was a lot more focused on family and cultivating a life on Vulcan than you ever were, and there was always a sort of friction between you. Neither of you seemed all that interested in the other, to be honest.”

Spock tilts his head, then sighs.

“I suppose that is an accurate read on our situation. Perhaps my judgement is clouded by hindsight, but I do not believe that we would have ended up getting married, regardless of whether or not Saavik came into my life.”

“Saavik was the catalyst behind the end of your betrothal?”

“In a way. She stated that she was not yet ready to become a mother, but has since married and had a child with another- a coworker of hers named Stonn, Mother said.”

Michael’s eyebrows rise.

“I’m… sorry to hear that, Spock.”

Spock tilts his head.

“I do not particularly begrudge her anything. We were not exclusive in our betrothal until near the end, and even then it was not exactly going well.” Spock shifts in his seat. “As you said, we were very different people. In many ways I respect her more for taking the opportunity to end our betrothal with little scrutiny from the general public. It should have been done long ago.”

Michael inclines her head slightly. 

“True. Better than waiting until it was life or death, at least.”

“Indeed. In any case, I am very satisfied with my current relationship.”

Michael smiles.

“Tell me about him.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“I told you, he is a tactics professor at the Academy and has one child with his ex-wife.”

“I was not asking about his profession or children, Spock, although I’d like to know about that too. I meant what he is like- his personality, the things you like about him, things like that.”

Spock pauses to think.

“He is brilliant. He can be stern with his students, but not to the point that he is unapproachable. He prefers Old Earth media to any other form of entertainment, particularly films from the early to mid twentieth century. He is very skilled at chess, and has beaten me many times, although I hold the overall win percentage.” Spock barely suppresses a smile. “He is… kind, and gentle, and far more understanding than many others I have known. He is also a good father to his son, and he and Saavik appear to be very fond of each other.”

Michael smiles softly.

“He sounds wonderful, Spock. I’m so glad you found someone like that.”

Spock nods.

“And yourself?”

Michael hums.

“There was someone a few years ago. Didn’t really work out, unfortunately.”

“May I ask why?”

Michael shifts in her seat, glancing away.

“We… just ended up being incompatible in some fundamental ways, I suppose.” She clears her throat. “I haven’t really dated much since then. Hard to find time with work- you’re kind of limited in who you can date when you’re on a starship, and things can get really awkward if it doesn’t work out.”

“I observed similar occurrences when I was in the Vulcan Expeditionary Group.”

“Oh?”

“While many of my coworkers were bonded pairs, amongst those that weren’t there was something of a ‘dating culture’ that, while occasionally resulting in new bonded pairs, often led to decreased crew productivity, sometimes as much as thirty-seven percent.”

Michael raises an eyebrow.

“Sounds like you paid a lot of attention to this.”

Spock shifts in his seat.

“There was often little to do while the ship was in transit. Observing the intricacies of romantic relationships between my coworkers was a way to utilize my skills during those lulls.”

“You kept notes, didn’t you.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“If I did, there would certainly be no way to prove it.”

Michael laughs, shaking her head.

“Well, I’m glad that you’re happy.” Michael’s expression turns thoughtful. “You know, I always thought that if any of us were going to have children, it would be Sybok.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“You believed that Sybok would get married and have children?”

“Oh, absolutely not. I figured that he’d end up getting someone pregnant and there’d be another blow-out fight with Father.” She shrugs. “Although it did seem unlikely even then. He never really showed much interest in relationships, at least that I saw.”

“Hopefully that has remained the case. I… do not believe that he would be up to the task.”

“Definitely not.” She smiles. “Still, I didn’t think you wanted kids.”

Spock thinks on this for a moment.

“I admit, I did not plan to have children. Given my hybrid status, it seemed unlikely that I would have children in the traditional manner, and I had little interest in putting in the effort to have them any other way.”

“What changed?”

Spock hesitates.

“Saavik… lost her biological parents in a sudden, traumatic way. Her health suffered for it, and her clan of origin rejected her. I… did not want her to be alone.”

It is not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least.

But it is enough to make Michael smile.

“You’ve gone a little soft, Spock.”

Spock frowns, furrowing his eyebrows.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Michael says before he can verbally object. “Soft looks good on you. You seem a lot happier.”

Before Spock can say anything to that, Ashaya jumps onto the couch, meowing loudly before pushing her head against Spock’s arm. 

“Hello,” Spock greets, reaching over to scratch her behind the ears. “I see you have awoken from your afternoon nap.”

Ashaya trills, sticking her tongue out slightly as Spock pets her.

“Who’s this?” Michael asks. 

“This is our cat, Ashaya. She attempted to hide in my car’s engine during the winter, and we adopted her once it became clear that she did not have owners to return to.”

“You named your cat ‘love?’” Michael says, sounding amused.

“Saavik named her,” Spock corrects. 

“And you didn’t object to that name,” Michael counters. 

“Because she is three years old and would have been cross if not given her own way,” Spock replies. 

Michael laughs softly.

“Or maybe you wanted to spoil your daughter a little,” she teases.

Spock frowns, but before he can say anything, Ashaya jumps from the couch to the coffee table. 

“Hello there,” Michael greets.

Ashaya’s ears fold back against her head. She creeps closer to the hologram, slowly raising a paw before finally moving to quickly smack Michael. When her paw goes through the hologram she jumps in shock, scurrying out of the living room so quickly that she is practically a blur.

Michael bursts out laughing as a smile tugs at the corners of Spock’s lips. 

It is good, he thinks, to see her so joyful.

---

Spock and Michael speak for a while longer, mostly about their various research projects and papers over the years. It is a productive conversation with few lulls, and by the time Michael has to leave in order to prepare for beta shift they have arranged for her to meet Saavik over vid call next week. 

“It was wonderful to see you again, Spock.”

“I have also enjoyed our meeting.” Spock raises his hand in a ta’al. “Dif-tor heh smusma, Michael.”

Michael returns the ta’al with a smile.

“Sochya eh dif, Spock.”

Seconds later, the hologram disappears, and Spock lets out a long breath. After a moment, he rises from his seat and heads to his bedroom, intent on meditation.

An hour later, when he has finished meditating and changed back into his normal clothes, he hears a knock at the door. He checks the time, then heads over to open the door for Jim and the children.

Spock opens the front door and is immediately greeted with two small children rushing forward to hug him around his legs.

“Hi, Mister Dr. Spock! We’re back from the museum!”

“I can see that. Did you enjoy yourselves?”

“Uh-huh! We saw the dinosaurs, and dug in the big dig site and found fossils, and we saw the rain forest, and then we went to the planetarium and saw places Daddy’s been!”

“That does sound very fulfilling. I am pleased that you had such an enjoyable day.”

“Mm!” David frowns as he and Saavik detach themselves from Spock’s legs. “Hey, where’s Ashaya? She usually comes to say hi too.”

“She was startled when she attempted to swipe at the hologram of Michael, and ran away to hide somewhere.”

“Aw, poor thing,” Jim says as he ushers the children inside. “Any idea where she might be?”

“Most likely she is under Saavik’s bed. It appears to be her favored hiding spot. She may have decided to nap there.”

David looks over at Saavik, who nods before they both begin running towards Saavik’s room.

“We’re gonna check on her!” He calls.

“Be gentle!” Jim reminds them before turning to Spock. “So, how did it go?”

“It went very well, I believe. We discussed work, Saavik, and…” Spock trails off, clearing his throat. “You.”

Jim blinks, raising his eyebrows.

“Me?”

“She was interested in learning about you when I mentioned that you were taking the children out for the afternoon.”

Jim hums, folding his arms across his chest.

“And, uh… what did she think?”

“You appear to have her tentative approval. Or, at the very least, she approves that I am in a relationship I am content in.”

To Spock’s surprise, Jim smiles, but it does not reach his eyes.

“I’m… I’m glad to hear that.”

Spock frowns.

“Is something amiss?”

Jim’s shoulders tense slightly as he glances away.

“It’s- it’s nothing, Spock.”

“It does not appear to be nothing. I would have you speak your mind if you have an issue.”

Jim takes a breath, then lets it out.

“Actually, yeah, there- there is something that’s been bothering me.”

Spock’s frown deepens slightly.

“Very well, what is it?”

“The night we talked on my parents’ porch, you mentioned something. It was kind of a throwaway line, one that I probably wouldn’t have thought about under most circumstances, but it directly contradicted something you said the night before.”

Spock furrows his brow.

“And that was?”

Jim takes another breath.

“The night on the porch, you said that Vulcans don’t dream,” he starts. “But the afternoon after that, Saavik talked with me about her nightmares.”

Spock blinks, then feels his stomach drop.

“... ah.”

“Yeah.” He shuffles a bit. “I actually- I tried to let it go. Tried to tell myself that you misspoke, somehow, that maybe only young Vulcans have nightmares.”

He looks up at Spock. Spock is unable to read his expression.

“But somehow, I don’t think that’s the case. I think you would have said something if it was just something all Vulcans grow out of.”

Spock swallows, then nods.

“It would have been more accurate to explain it that way, yes.”

Jim takes a breath.

“I don’t want this to matter to me, Spock. I care a lot about Saavik, and I almost managed to convince myself to let it go today because of that. I know it shouldn’t matter to me what she is, because she’s a wonderful kid no matter what, and I… I love her. I love her very much.” He swallows. “But then… after the planetarium, the kids wanted to look at one last exhibit: one on the history of Starfleet.”

Jim takes another breath.

“When we were looking at the exhibit, she stopped in front of the part talking about the Earth-Romulan war. She… she wanted to know why there weren’t any pictures of Romulans, and when I told her that no one on this side of the Neutral Zone knows what a Romulan looks like, she…” Jim takes a breath. “She said that she did, and so do you.”

Spock’s blood runs cold. He grips at the sleeve of his sweater, swallowing hard.

“I… Jim, I…”

“She told me one more thing.”

Spock swallows again.

“And that was?”

“When I asked her how you and she knew what Romulans look like, she told me that…” Jim trails off, then takes a breath. “She told me that her biological father was from the other side of the Neutral Zone.”

Jim takes a step towards him.

“Is that true, Spock?”

Spock suppresses a wobble in his lips, clenching his fists.

“I cannot tell you.”

“Spock.”

“Please understand, Jim. I know that this is- that what Saavik told you is shocking. However, there are certain other factors that make it so that I cannot tell you. Even if I could, it would be easier if you did not know.”

“Easier for you?” Jim asks, tone slightly sharp.

“For you,” Spock insists. “It is a heavy thing to know.”

“Okay, well, maybe I’m okay with that. Maybe you can let me share that burden.”

Spock shakes his head.

“You said that you were about to let it go before Saavik told you what she told you. Why can you not do that now?”

“Because it’s different, Spock. There are implications here that- that I don’t like, to say the least, and… look, is there anything at all that you can tell me?”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“I may be able to see if there is something I can tell you,” Spock admits, “but it will take some time to learn what is permissible.”

“How long?”

“At least a week, but likely more. There may not be anything that I can tell you without incurring problems for one or both of us,” Spock warns. “The fact that you know anything at all is likely to cause issues on its own.”

Jim’s eyes widen, and after a moment he slowly exhales.

“Christ. I guess that’s what happens when a three-year-old tells you something top secret.”

“It is an unfortunate situation,” Spock agrees. “One that is entirely my own fault- I see now that not explicitly instructing her not to speak on this topic was a mistake.”

“No kidding. Why didn’t you?”

Spock clears his throat.

“I… did not want her to feel as though her heritage was something to be ashamed of.”

Jim’s eyes widen again; he almost looks stricken, an expression that fades to something almost like guilt. He puts his hands in his pockets, turning his gaze down to the floor.

“... I should probably take David home,” he says after a moment. “He’s- he’s going back to Carol’s in the morning, so it’s better if he has a calm evening at home rather than getting all spun up.”

Spock nods even as his throat tightens.

“That is logical.”

Jim nods, then turns to start walking toward the bedrooms. Spock follows him, hands clasped tightly behind his back. 

When they arrive, the children are sitting on top of Saavik’s bed, dangling one of the ribbon toys over the side for Ashaya to jump at and giggling when she attempts to catch it. 

“David, honey, it’s time to go,” Jim interrupts gently.

“Aww, do we have to?” David whines. “We were having fun.”

“I know you were, bud, but it’s been a long day and you need to be rested before you go back to Mommy’s tomorrow.”

David huffs, but acquiesces, handing the ribbon toy to Saavik and getting off the bed. Saavik puts the toy down on the comforter, at which point Ashaya drags it off and runs off with the ribbon in her mouth, the wand smacking the doorframe on her way out.

“Bye, Saavik,” David says glumly as he hugs her. “I’ll see you in a whole week.”

Saavik makes a similarly disappointed sound. Spock makes a mental note to see if Carol is available for a playdate next week.

Spock and Saavik walk their guests to the door, at which point David hugs Spock’s legs again.

“Bye, Mister Dr. Spock.”

Spock reaches down, placing a hand atop David’s head. 

“Goodbye, David. Behave for your mother.”

David huffs as he lets go.

“Spock?”

Spock suppresses a wince as he looks up at Jim. 

Jim gives him a slightly weak smile.

“I love you.”

It is perhaps pathetic how much that one simple sentence reassures Spock. He swallows, then nods.

“Thank you, Jim.”

Jim nods, then says goodbye to Saavik before ushering David out into the hall. Spock closes the door behind them, then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. A second after he exhales, he feels a tug of concern through his bond with Saavik; that same concern is reflected in her expression when he looks down.

“I am fine. Would you like to watch Mei’shii?” 

Saavik’s face lights up, and she nods, concern evidently forgotten as she bounces toward the living room.

Spock takes another deep breath, then follows her.

Notes:

i promise everything will be okay in the end

thank you for reading! comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 47: commitment

“... and in a moment I heard Winnie-the-pooh- bump-bump-bump- going up the stairs behind him.”

Jim hears soft breathing on the other end of the line as he turns the page, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Spock?”

He hears a quiet shuffle.

“She is asleep.”

“I suspected as much. Did she conk out before the end of the chapter?”

“I am uncertain. I will ask her tomorrow what she recalls of it.” Spock is quiet for a moment. “Thank you. For reading to her.”

Jim frowns.

“Of course, Spock. It’s part of her routine, I wouldn’t want to interrupt that.”

Spock is quiet again. Jim clears his throat.

“How’s, uh… how’s that thing going?”

“If you are referring to my inquiry as to what you can be told, it is going slowly as expected.”

Jim presses his lips together.

“I see.”

“It has only been three days, Jim.”

“I know, I just… I guess I was hoping…” He clears his throat. “Nevermind. Keep me posted, alright?”

“I will. Sleep well, Jim.”

“You too, Spock. I love you.”

Spock is quiet for a moment, but just as Jim’s about to ask him if he’s alright he speaks again.

“I am… very fond of you as well.”

Jim blinks before his lips spread into a huge grin, heart skipping a beat.

“Good night, Spock.”

“Good night, Jim.”

Jim hangs up, then sighs, running a hand over his face and leaning back on the sofa.

It’s been… a rough few days, he has to admit. Normally, he’d be getting ready to go to bed with Spock, but… well, as much as he wants to be there, it just doesn’t feel right at the moment.

Not with this hanging between them.

He knows it’s not Spock’s fault- not completely, anyway. Sure, he’s been secretive, but something like this is way over his paygrade. Even if he did want to tell anyone, it’s out of his hands.

But still, he can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s not really about Saavik anymore, if it ever was. Saavik is a three-year-old child, she’s not really capable of doing anything that could aid a hostile entity. 

But that doesn’t mean that someone else couldn’t.

Jim breathes in, and out.

The implications of Saavik’s parentage are… well, Jim doesn’t much like thinking about them, to say the least. He’s come up with a lot of ways this could have happened, and none of them are good- some of them are outright nightmarish.

He hasn’t really slept well the past few days because of it. 

It’s not the first time in his life Jim hasn’t known what to do. It certainly won’t be the last. 

But right now, it feels like the worst.

He sighs, lolling his head back on the couch.

“Fuck,” he swears quietly.

His comm starts buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out, wincing when he sees that it’s Carol before plastering on a smile and tapping the call button.

“Hey buddy!” He greets cheerfully. “Ready for your bedtime story?”

“Uh-huh! Do you have the book too?”

“Right with me, actually, I just finished reading to Saavik. You all tucked in?” 

“Mhm! Love you!”

“I love you too.” Jim clears his throat. “One day when the sun had come back over the forest, bringing with it the scent of May…”

---

When Jim wakes up the next morning, it’s to an empty bed and a message from Command on his comm. 

Neither of them make him feel great. Not only is he lonely, but he’s got a summons to Headquarters that he’s not fully sure why he has. His first thought is that it has something to do with The Situation, as his brain has dubbed it, but he doesn’t think it’s likely; Spock told him it’d still be a while.

He’s still racking his brain for some other way he could have fucked up by the time he pulls into the parking garage at Headquarters.

Jim has been to Headquarters only a few times before, most of them when he was a child. He can’t really remember the first few times, given that he was less than three years old. He’s seen the pictures, though they’re all pretty much the same: his father standing up on a stage next to some long-retired admiral, a new medal pinned on his dress jacket. The last time was the same, though he was older and a cadet at the Academy, and it wasn’t someone he knew personally.

It was the first, and only, time he ever saw Captain Pike of the USS Enterprise in person. He’d decided then and there that not only did he want to work under his command, he wanted to be the person to succeed him someday.

Jim grimaces as he walks up to the entrance, putting the thought out of his mind as the door swishes open. He plasters a polite smile on his face, then walks up to the reception desk.

“Hi, uh, I’m Jim Kirk? I received a message to come to HQ a couple hours ago.”

“Let me check that.” The receptionist turns to his terminal, typing for a few minutes before his eyes widen slightly. Jim frowns, but before he can comment on it, he turns back to look at Jim with a clearly fake smile on his face. “Someone will be down to take you up in a few minutes.”

“Uh… alright then,” Jim says before walking over to the sitting area. 

He ends up sitting there for a while. By the time someone approaches him, he’s idly scrolling through his newsfeed, having already read any articles that looked interesting. 

“James Kirk?”

Jim nearly drops his phone in surprise, pulling it closer to his chest as he turns his head. A serious-looking woman raises an eyebrow at him.

“Uh, yeah, that’s- that’s me.”

“Follow me,” she says before turning and heading toward the lift. Jim scrambles to his feet, glancing over at the reception desk. To his surprise, the receptionist mouths the words “good luck” to him; he doesn’t have time to dwell on that, instead quickly moving to follow the woman into the lift.

The woman doesn’t speak while they’re in the lift, instead working on something on her PADD. Jim folds his arms behind his back and tries to suppress the urge to speak just to fill the silence. Instead, he watches the floor number go up, up, up, higher than he’s ever been in this building before. He’s certain that they’re nearly at the top floor when the lift finally comes to a stop, a light “ding” sounding out just before the doors slide open. The woman walks out of the lift without another word, and Jim quickly follows her. She leads him through a hallway full of offices, though they pass by too fast for Jim to read any of the nameplates.

That is, until they enter an office at the end of the hall, which leads to a small sitting area with another desk. As the woman slides into a desk chair and turns on her computer terminal, Jim sees the nameplate on the door just beyond where she’s sitting.

And unfortunately, it’s one that he recognizes.

“Oh,” he says quietly as his stomach drops.

The woman glances up at him, then motions for him to sit down. He does, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying to keep calm. 

A few minutes pass in silence. Jim doesn’t dare move, doesn’t dare get out his comm again or do anything that could be seen as disrespectful.

“You can go in now,” the woman says suddenly, breaking the silence and making Jim jump in his seat.

“Oh, uh, sure, I- do, do I just walk in?”

The woman gives him a look, then turns back to her terminal. Jim decides to take that as a yes, getting up from his seat and walking over to the door. He glances over at her, then takes a deep breath and walks through.

“Commander Kirk.”

“Admiral Terral.” Jim quickly throws up a ta’al. “It’s an honor to meet you, sir.”

Terral tilts his head slightly, then glances at the chair on the other side of his desk.

“Have a seat, Commander.”

Jim swallows the lump in his throat, but does as requested, sitting down and folding his hands in his lap.

“I assume you are aware of why you were called in here today.”

Jim clears his throat, shifting in his seat.

“I… um, assume that it’s- it’s about what I was told?”

Terral raises an eyebrow.

“There is no need to be evasive, Commander. My office is soundproof, and security did their regular sweep for any devices placed here without my knowledge or consent.”

Jim blinks.

“Is… is that a concern?”

“It is a precaution.” 

“Right, well, I… is it that? Spock said it would take longer to, uh, get some ducks in a row so to speak.”

“Due to the sensitive nature of this topic, both the Vulcan government and the Federation have elected to move more swiftly than normal.” Terral regards him. “Please recount for me exactly what happened when S’chn T’gai Saavik informed you of her biological parentage.”

“Right, uh… well, we were at the local science museum. We’d just gotten out of a planetarium showing, and my son, David, pointed out an exhibit on the history of Starfleet. While we were looking at it, Saavik came upon the part of the exhibit recounting the Earth-Romulan war and expressed confusion as to why there weren’t any pictures of Romulans in it.” Jim exhales. “And… when I told her that no one on this side of the Neutral Zone had ever seen a Romulan, she told me that both she and Spock had, and that her biological father was from… well, the other side of the Neutral Zone, but I presume she meant Romulus.”

“I see. That is a rather large amount of information.” Terral tents his fingers on the desk. “Have you discussed it with anyone?”

“Spock and I talked about it,” Jim admits. “But no one else.”

“And do you have plans to tell anyone? Perhaps your therapist?”

Jim blinks.

“How did you know I have a-?”

“Dr. Singh is contracted with Starfleet, and thus we were able to requisition his schedule for our investigation. You have an appointment with him on Thursday.” Terral studies him. “Such a shift in one’s conception of our galaxy would be an understandable topic of discussion with a professional.”

“I… well, maybe so, but I didn’t plan on saying anything to him. I trust Dr. Singh, but this is probably well above his paygrade.” 

Terral doesn’t respond to that, just looks at him. Jim kind of feels like a bug under a magnifying glass.

“You were very career-oriented at one point.”

Jim blinks at the non sequitur. 

“I… yes, I was. I was… hoping to become a captain one day, but… well, it didn’t really work out.”

“Because of Starfleet policy surrounding your usage of anti-anxiety medication.”

Jim shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

“Yes. It was… obviously it was something of a blow.”

“You transferred to a base on Earth following that.”

“I did. I was,” Jim clears his throat, “being in space was all but impossible without the medication, but if I stayed on the Republic I would basically have had to take a demotion to the lower decks. At that point I decided that it wasn’t worth remaining on a starship- in fact, it was more painful to stay.”

“That must have been a difficult situation to accept.”

Jim purses.

“Yes, it has been. I’m… still working on it, to be honest. I’ve come to love the life I have now, but I…” Jim smiles tightly. “Hard not to think about what could have been, I suppose.”

“Mixed emotions are understandable.” Terral regards him for a second. “Including resentment.”

Jim blinks, then frowns.

“Resentment? Towards whom?”

“Were it not for Starfleet’s policy on certain medications, you would likely still be on the Republic, or even had transferred to a more prestigious ship by this point.”

“I… I suppose that’s possible, yes, but I understand why the policy is in place.”

“Logically, yes.” Terral folds his hands on the table. “However, I understand that logic is often overpowered by emotion in Humans.”

Jim furrows his brow.

“Admiral, may I ask what exactly you’re getting at?”

“You have a reason to resent Starfleet, and have been given evidence of something that could damage both it and the Vulcan government’s reputation to say the very least.”

“Wh- I don’t have evidence. It would be my word against the word of both the Federation and Vulcan. No one would listen to me.”

“You would be surprised,” Terral retorts. “Even in this day and age, divisions still exist- divisions that some might exploit for their own gain.”

“And what would I have to gain?”

“Fame, a measure of revenge against the system that limited your career, even political power should you prove successful in turning public opinion in your favor.”

“I don’t want any of those things!” Jim snaps before he can stop himself. “Especially not at the cost that would require.”

Terral raises an eyebrow.

“And what would that be?”

“Hurting my family. I couldn’t- couldn’t hurt Spock like that, and Saavik is…” Jim swallows. “Saavik is like a daughter to me. And I know that if I hurt her, or Spock, David would never forgive me for it.”

Jim takes a breath.

“So no, Admiral. I won’t be telling anyone, not for a tiny chance at glory that I don’t even want.”

Terral looks at him for a long while, long enough that Jim starts to wonder if he’s about to be court martialed for insubordination or something.

Then he speaks.

“Very well. You are free to go, then, Commander.”

Jim blinks.

“I… what? Just like that?”

“Yes.” He turns to his computer terminal. “Have a pleasant day.”

Jim stares at him for a minute, then gets out of his seat.

“Um. You do as well, I suppose.”

He turns and leaves, confusion swirling in his stomach even as he exits the building. 

Maybe thirty minutes later, just as his car pulls up to his building, Jim’s comm buzzes. He picks it up as the car parks itself.

To his surprise, the message is from Spock.

Spock: I have just been informed that both the Vulcan Council and Starfleet Command have cleared you to be debriefed on our situation. 

Jim blinks, eyebrows rising.

Jim: That was fast. 

Spock: Clarify.

Jim: Well, I only got out of my meeting with Admiral Terral maybe half an hour ago. From the way he acted and everything you told me, I figured it would take longer.

Three dots appear on Spock’s side of the conversation, then disappear. They reappear a minute later, then disappear once more before reappearing again. This time, a message comes through.

Spock: That is indeed fast. Perhaps you have impressed the admiral.

Jim: He didn’t seem impressed. Or much of anything really. He’s pretty impassive.

Spock: I assure you, Jim, if you had not impressed him this would not have happened so quickly.

Jim: I’ll take your word for it.

Jim bites his lip, then starts typing again.

Jim: Would you mind if I came over? We don’t have to talk about it right now, but I’d like to see you and Saavik. I’ve missed you guys.

Spock doesn’t answer right away. With every passing minute, Jim’s heart sinks. He’s about to give up, shove his comm in his pocket and trudge back up to his empty apartment when it finally does buzz. He nearly drops it in his haste to read the message.

Spock: I would like that.

A wide, relieved grin spreads across Jim’s face.

Jim: How about I bring pizza from the place we like? The one with the good vegan mozzarella?

Spock: That would be satisfactory.

A minute later, his comm buzzes again.

Spock: Saavik would like tomatoes on the pizza.

Jim chuckles, shaking his head.

Jim: Of course. Do you want any toppings on our half? I’m okay with anything.

Spock: I would like spinach and black olives.

Jim: Got it. See you soon.

Jim puts his comm back in his pocket, then programs in the address for the pizza place before turning on the autopilot as he tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

He’s not sure if they’re a good thing or not.

---

Jim inhales, then exhales slowly just as the lift opens on Spock’s floor. He shifts his grip on the pizza box as he steps out into the hall, turning to walk toward Spock’s apartment. 

He’s done this nearly a hundred times before at this point. There’s no reason for him to feel like this.

And yet, his gut still churns. 

He swallows as he arrives at the door to Spock’s apartment, flexing his grip on the pizza box.

“It’s gonna be fine,” he tells himself. Then, he forces himself to knock on the door.

There’s a long moment of silence, one where Jim’s doubts seem to attack him all at once. That Spock might not be happy to see him, that he might resent him for putting him through all of this, that Saavik might not want to see him at all, that-!

Spock opens the door, and suddenly all of Jim’s nervousness washes away.

“Hey,” he says softly.

“Hello,” Spock replies. “It is good to see you.”

“Yeah,” Jim agrees, smiling. He then clears his throat, shifting his grip on the pizza box. “We, uh, we should probably get this inside.”

Spock nods, taking the pizza from him and turning to walk inside.

“Saavik, the pizza has arrived.”

Jim hears the holovision click off as he closes the door, turning back just in time to see Saavik walk into the kitchen. 

“Hey there, sweetheart,” he greets her.

Saavik startles, eyes going wide as she turns to him. Before he can say anything else, she runs over to him, hugging him around his legs. Jim lets out a surprised laugh, ruffling her hair before gently pushing her back to pick her up for a proper hug. She immediately wraps her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder.

“Did you miss me?”

Saavik nods into his shoulder, and Jim chuckles.

“Well, I missed you too. I’m very happy to see you.” He turns his head to press a kiss into her hair. “Want some pizza?”

A beat passes before she nods into his shoulder again.

“Alright, let’s get you some pizza.” He carries her over to the kitchen table, setting her down in her usual seat. Just as he’s about to walk away to help Spock out, she grabs his arm, holding on tight. “Everything okay?”

Saavik shakes her head, then starts signing.

Sit next to me.

Jim frowns.

“Well, sure, but I was gonna help your father serve dinner first.”

“I can do so on my own,” Spock says as he pulls the plates down from the cabinet. 

“You sure?”

“I am.”

Jim purses his lips, then shrugs.

“Well, if you say so.” He takes the seat next to Saavik. “How have you been, kiddo?”

Saavik starts telling him about a trip to the park she and Spock took yesterday, only stopping when Spock serves them their pizza. Even then, she starts up again as soon as she’s done eating, apparently determined to keep Jim’s attention.

Jim doesn’t think much of it until she insists on the three of them watching a documentary together, and then insists on sitting right next to Jim on the sofa. It’s large enough not to be an inconvenience, but normally she would prefer to sit on her own.

It’s not until bedtime that the realization, and the guilt, really sets in. 

“‘Ha-ha,’ Eeyore said bitterly. ‘Merriment and what-not. Don’t apologize. It’s just what would happen.’” Jim closes the book, and Saavik lets out a whine before holding up a single finger. “Saavik, we’ve read three chapters already. Aren’t you tired?”

Saavik quickly shakes her head, though her declaration is undercut by the fact that she yawns after. 

“You need to sleep, sweetheart.” Jim leans down, pressing a kiss to her forehead. As he moves to pull away, though, Saavik grabs his shirt; when he looks down, her eyes are wide, lip wobbling slightly. “Saavik?”

Saavik lets go of his shirt and starts to sign.

Please stay.

Jim’s eyes widen, his heart cracking and sinking at the same time. He sits up a bit, then gathers her into his arms.

“Oh, honey. I promise, I’ll be here in the morning when you wake up.”

She pushes on his chest, then begins to sign when he’s far enough away.

You were gone. Even though you didn’t have David, you were gone.

A pit of guilt forms in Jim’s stomach, and he swallows before pulling her back into his arms.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been gone so long. But I promise, it won’t happen again.”

Saavik sniffs, then hugs him tightly. Jim turns his head to press a kiss into her hair. 

Eventually, her breathing evens out and slows down. Jim carefully lays her back down, slipping her whale into her arms and kissing her forehead.

“I love you,” he says quietly. Saavik sighs in her sleep, and he smiles before getting off her bed and turning out the lamp. He closes the door, then turns to peek into Spock’s room. He arrives to find that it’s empty, though the lingering scent of Spock’s incense tells him that he was just here. He walks over to the bathroom, the sound of the sonic shower running confirming Spock’s location. 

Jim takes a breath, then walks over to the bedroom, sitting down on the bed and folding his hands in his lap.

Some time later, he hears the bathroom door click open. Spock returns to the bedroom in his usual pajamas moments later, eyebrows rising fractionally when he sees Jim. 

“Hey,” Jim says. “I’m, uh… I kind of promised Saavik I’d be here in the morning when I was putting her down for the night.”

“Ah,” Spock says as he places his dirty clothes in the hamper. “You are of course welcome to stay over, Jim.”

Jim nods, then gets up and walks over to Spock, stopping a few inches in front of him.

“Jim?”

“Spock, do you want a hug?”

Something passes over Spock’s face that Jim doesn’t recognize quickly enough to name. He nods, and Jim moves to pull him into his arms. Spock holds onto him a little more tightly than usual. Jim swallows the sudden lump in his throat.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I shouldn’t have been so distant the last few days.” 

“I understand that you needed space after what you learned,” Spock murmurs. “And you still called every night regardless.”

“I did, but that physical distance still hurt you and Saavik.”

Spock doesn’t reply to that immediately.

“I missed you,” Spock admits after a moment. “Saavik did as well, to the point that even if you hadn’t suggested it I was going to ask you to come over tonight and see her.”

Jim’s heart squeezes, and he swallows the lump in his throat.

“I would have come,” Jim tells him firmly. “Even if I had to sleep on the couch, I would have been there for her.”

“I would have preferred it if we were able to address the issue to the point that you did not feel the need to sleep there, but I see your point.”

Jim huffs out a laugh, then leans in to kiss Spock. It’s short, chaste, but there’s something almost healing about it, like the first fall of rain after a heatwave. 

“So I can sleep in your bed, then?” He asks once he pulls away.

“Not in your regular clothing,” Spock replies. Jim laughs again, pecking him on the lips before pulling away to get some of the clothes from his dresser drawer. 

He runs through his night time routine quickly, washing his face and brushing his teeth with the toothbrush he keeps next to Spock and Saavik’s. He makes a mental note to grab one for David next time he’s at the store as he folds his dirty laundry, then returns to Spock’s bedroom.

Spock is already in bed when he arrives, reading something on his PADD. Jim puts his folded up clothes on the dresser, then walks over to the opposite side of the bed, sliding in next to him and turning to face him.

“Hi.”

Spock glances down at him, the tiniest of smiles gracing his lips. He silently puts the PADD on the nightstand, then turns out the lamp and lays down facing him. He leans in for a kiss, perhaps a bit less chaste than the last one, but with no real intent to do anything but kiss behind it. Jim hums, tugging him closer and kissing him again, and again, and again.

“I missed this,” he says after a moment. “Just being with you, like this.”

“I missed it as well.”

Jim smiles, though it slips away when a thought occurs to him.

“Jim?”

“I…” Jim clears his throat. “I know I said we didn’t have to talk about it, but… if you want to, can you tell me about what Saavik said?”

Spock hesitates, glancing away.

“There is… I was given a condition in regards to that particular disclosure.”

Jim frowns.

“What do you mean?”

“As Saavik is clearly too young to be trusted to keep this secret, the Vulcan government and Starfleet have both agreed that… that I should tell you in a way that entirely eliminates the possibility of her overhearing anything.”

Jim blinks, stomach flipping when he comprehends what he means.

“A mind meld?” 

Spock nods.

“Given that we have not done so before, I understand if you do not want to do so at this time.”

Jim bites his lip, clenching and unclenching his fingers a few times.

“We’d be able to stop at any time?” He asks.

Spock blinks, but nods.

“I am able to end a meld quickly and safely when necessary.”

Jim bites his lip again, then nods.

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

“Jim, are you certain?”

Jim shifts a bit.

“It’s not exactly the way I thought this would happen, but… I want to try. And I want to know.”

Spock takes a breath, then exhales slowly.

“If you feel any discomfort, or are overwhelmed, tell me immediately.”

Jim nods, pushing down the butterflies in his stomach.

A second later, the tips of Spock’s fingers press gently into Jim’s temples, as well as close to his nose and chin.

“My mind to your mind,” Spock says quietly. “My thoughts to your thoughts.”

Jim barely has time to think ‘it’s a little like falling asleep’ before the world around him fades away.

Notes:

support the internet archive if for no other reason than me able to have a pdf of the compete adventures of winnie the pooh was really helpful for this fic

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 48: xerius and t'pala

Notes:

tw: kidnapping, mentioned pregnancy issues, forced separation of parent and child, child neglect, implied forced reproduction, various war crimes, blood, parental death, near child death

Jim opens his eyes to see trees above his head.

They’re not like any trees he’s ever seen before- not in person, anyway. The leaves are a bright red, brighter than even fall colors tend to be, and the trunks and branches are pure black. He gets the sense that it’s warm here, though he doesn’t feel any hotter than he would on a normal day in San Francisco.

He sits up with a grunt, looking around.

“Spock?” He calls.

“Hello, ashayam,” he hears from behind him. He turns to see Spock standing behind him, wearing much fancier robes than he’s ever seen on him; out of curiosity, he looks down to see that he’s wearing his favorite flannel shirt and a pair of jeans.

“What’s with the wardrobe change?” He asks.

“The form you have taken on is a mental representation of you- essentially, what you look like when I think of you.”

“You imagine me in this shirt and jeans?” Jim asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You do look very handsome in them,” Spock answers breezily as he offers his arm. Jim takes it, allowing Spock to help him to his feet.

“Thanks.” He looks around. “Where are we, exactly?”

“A clearing near Lake Yuron.”

“We’re on Vulcan?” Jim asks, eyebrows rising.

“Yes, approximately two kilometers from my childhood home.” He turns slightly. “There is a fine view of the lake just this way, if you would like to see it.”

Jim nods, and Spock guides him toward the trees. A few minutes of walking later, the trees part, and they walk straight out of the forest and onto a hill overlooking the lake. The sun is just setting over the horizon, bathing the entire world in shades of orange and pink, and Jim suddenly finds himself a little bit breathless.

“Wow,” he says softly. “It’s beautiful, Spock.”

“Indeed. I have always been fond of this area, which is why I modeled my mental landscape after it.”

Jim glances over at him.

“Do you miss it? The real thing, I mean?”

Spock is quiet for a moment.

“Sometimes,” he answers. “A mental landscape can only do so much. It cannot perfectly replicate the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, or the cool breeze flowing over the water.”

Jim hums, then shifts a little closer to Spock.

“Maybe someday we can visit the real thing together, then,” Jim murmurs. 

Spock looks over at him, then smiles softly.

“Perhaps. There are many places on Vulcan I would like to show you, should you be interested.”

Jim smiles, then looks out across the water for a long moment.

Then, he takes a breath.

“So…”

Spock- he doesn’t sigh, exactly. It’s more of a long exhale.

“Before we begin, I believe it is important you learn how I know all of this.”

Jim blinks, then frowns.

“Didn’t someone tell you?”

“Not as such.” Spock exhales again. “The reason I know all of this is because for a short time, I was in possession of Saavik’s mother’s memories.”

Jim blinks again.

“Uh… pardon?”

“When a Vulcan is on the verge of death,” Spock begins, “they are able to transfer their katra- the very essence of who they are- out of their bodies and into another vessel, be that an inanimate object or another conscious being.”

“So… you’re able to put your soul in a box or another person?”

Spock looks mildly amused.

“More or less.”

“Can I ask why?”

“It is our belief that the katra should be released on Mount Seleya after death. It is something of a… reunification, with those we have lost.”

Jim finds himself smiling.

“Sounds a little sentimental for Vulcans.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t dispute the claim.

“So, then, when she was dying, Saavik’s mother transferred her katra into you?”

“Yes. It was not ideal, but she was the only person who had first-hand knowledge of the Romulans who was not also an infant. Her memories proved vital in certain anti-espionage measures, though I was not privy to what those measures were.” 

“Why you, though?”

“Normally, such a transfer is carried out by a priest. However, we had no priests on board our ship, and I was the most adept telepath among our crew. It was the most practical arrangement.” Spock is quiet for a moment. “I… did not pry far into her memories. Only those which were necessary for reconnaissance and those that her child would have wanted to know about.”

Spock looks over at him.

“Many of them are… difficult. If you have any trepidation at all about moving forward, I will not begrudge you anything.”

Jim hesitates, then shakes his head.

“No, I… I want to know.”

Spock looks at him for a moment, then turns his head away.

“Very well.” The lake before them fades away, replaced by what appears to be a street on a world only a little less arid than Vulcan.

“Saavik’s mother was named T’Pala. She was a researcher on a Vulcan colony world approximately twenty lightyears from the Neutral Zone.” 

A Vulcan woman appears before them. She’s short with pale skin, and her light brown hair’s pulled back in an intricate bun. Her features are sharp, defined, and her expression gives off an air of no-nonsense and quiet intelligence wielded with precision.

She has Saavik’s eyes.

“Saavik’s father…” Spock trails off, then takes a breath. “He gave his name as Sivak. He was an administrator in the local government, who transferred there from another colony.”

A tall man with dark, curly hair and strikingly bright blue eyes appears. His features are slightly softer than T’Pala’s, but there’s a severity to his gaze that makes him somewhat intimidating. His ears curve up into points like a Vulcan’s; if Jim saw him amongst a crowd on Vulcan, he probably wouldn’t have thought him out of place at all.

“Of course, that was not his real name. In reality, he was named Xerius, and he was a Romulan spy sent to infiltrate the Vulcan government.” Spock takes a breath. “One of many.”

Jim’s stomach turns.

“How many?”

“I am uncertain. T’Pala never asked him for greater specifics, and neither Vulcan nor the Federation deemed it necessary for me to be briefed on it.” The image in front of them shifts to a government office, where Xerius appears hard at work. “Nevertheless, Xerius took on his role with great diligence. So much so that for an entire year, no one suspected him of anything. He may very well still be there today, had he not chosen to visit a park on a certain day.”

The image shifts to show Xerius handing what looks like a small bear cub with fangs over to a young girl. T’Pala stands behind the child, her gaze squarely trained on Xerius.

“One day, Xerius decided to walk through the park on his way home from work. There, he was accosted by a sehlat pup, which happened to belong to T’Pala’s niece.”

The image shifts to Xerius and T’Pala looking at each other.

“T’Pala was immediately interested in him upon their meeting, and Xerius…” Spock exhales. “Xerius believed that showing himself to be putting down roots within the community was a good way to throw off suspicion. Thus, they began a relationship.”

The image shifts to one of Xerius and T’Pala in some sort of greenhouse. T’Pala appears to be explaining something to him, and Xerius’ expression is surprisingly soft.

“However, as time went on, something changed.”

The image shifts to an image of Xerius and T’Pala looking at each other, that soft expression still on the former’s face.

“What started as simply a way for Xerius to keep suspicion off of himself became something very real.”

“He fell in love with her,” Jim surmises.

“Indeed.” The image shifts to Xerius looking guilty. “Which is when he knew he could not keep up the ruse. He wished to marry her, but he could not bring himself to do so without telling her the truth. Nor could he bring himself to simply let her go.” 

The image shifts to one of Xerius with his head hung low as he sits across from T’Pala. 

“And so, he told her the truth, fully prepared to accept whatever decision she made with that information.”

The image shifts, this time showing T’Pala tilting Xerius’ chin up and pressing her forehead to his.

“To his surprise, she chose to keep his secret.”

“She did? Why?”

Spock’s lips turn upward slightly.

“Because she loved him too, illogical as that may be.” Spock clears his throat. “Though she did make him swear to provide false information to his handler, so as to muddy the waters.”

Jim grimaces a little.

“I suppose that’s not nothing.”

“Her ethics were perhaps slightly compromised.” The image shifts, this time to what appears to be a marriage ceremony of some sort. “Nevertheless, they wed, believing that this would be the norm for the rest of their lives.”

Jim frowns.

“What happened?”

“Vulcans tend to have difficulty reproducing with other species,” Spock explains. “Doing so almost inevitably requires the assistance of reproductive technology. My own parents made use of it, and it still took them many attempts over the course of five years to have me. Given the circumstances, Xerius and T’Pala recognized that it would be difficult to access reproductive assistance without anyone learning of Xerius’ true identity, and thus believed it was highly unlikely they would have children.”

Spock pauses.

“It came as a shock, then, when T’Pala became pregnant less than six months into their marriage.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

“Oh. So, uh, then Saavik…?”

“Was not planned, no.” Spock’s lips turn the slightest bit upward. “But she was very much wanted.”

Jim turns to see Xerius and T’Pala embracing, followed by Xerius placing a hand on T’Pala’s stomach.

Xerius is grinning from ear to ear, and even T’Pala’s lips are turned up in a tiny smile.

“However, with this came a new problem. Despite the ease of her conception, a hybrid pregnancy presented issues not associated with a typical Vulcan pregnancy, ones that required the assistance of a doctor. However, if they saw a doctor, it was very unlikely that their child’s true heritage would remain a secret.” Spock takes a breath. “And so, Xerius made a decision.”

The image shifts to that of Xerius in restraints, bracketed by Vulcan guards on either side as he’s marched into a large building. 

“He surrendered to Vulcan authorities, offering information on Romulus’ espionage program in exchange for asylum.” The image shifts to Xerius before a council comprised of Vulcan and Federation officials. “Given his willingness to share that information, as well as the fact that he exposed that there were Romulan operatives amongst the Vulcan government in the first place, the Federation had moved to grant his request.”

Spock doesn’t speak for a moment, and Jim’s stomach turns.

“What happened?” He asks quietly.

“As I said, the Vulcan government had long since been compromised by Romulan operatives at that point. Someone made the Romulans aware of the defection, and…” Spock swallows. “Shortly before asylum was officially granted to Xerius, both he and T’Pala were kidnapped from their home in the dead of night.” 

Jim hears a scream, one that’s quickly snuffed out. He turns to see T’Pala and Xerius being thrown into the brig of an unfamiliar ship by Romulan operatives.

“Originally, they were only going to hold T’Pala as collateral- a way to ensure that Xerius did not attempt to defect again, or otherwise sabotage their missions. However, that changed when…” Spock trails off, then swallows. “When they discovered that she was pregnant.”

Jim’s stomach turns. 

“Spock…”

Spock takes a breath.

“At that point, Romulans had been spying on Vulcan for years. However, due to certain physiological and neurological differences they always ran the risk of detection. For example, Romulans generally do not have nearly the same telepathic abilities that Vulcans do. Their strongest telepaths are comparable to the weakest among Vulcans. Additionally, they have differently arranged organs, and their blood is grey.” Spock pauses again. He looks a little sick; more than that, Jim can almost feel the way his stomach clenches. “If they were able to sidestep this issue by interbreeding with Vulcans, however…”

“Shit,” Jim swears. “I was afraid that would be the case.”

“Indeed. Fortunately, while Vulcan genetics are generally dominant, Romulan genetics have proven to be just as strong. Saavik is approximately fifty-two percent Vulcan on a genetic level.”

“And that’s different from other hybrids?”

“I personally am eighty-two percent Vulcan. Nearly indistinguishable from someone who has two Vulcan biological parents. Saavik, on the other hand, has notable differences from a Vulcan child: her organs, for example, are arranged in the same way as Romulan’s, though it is green blood that flows through them.”

“So it would be easy to tell with a scan that she’s not Vulcan.”

“Indeed. Though it was not a complete failure- Saavik’s neurology is Vulcan, and therefore she is a much stronger telepath than any Romulan.” Spock clenches his jaw. “This led to the Romulans deciding to move ahead with making her into a spy.”

The image shifts to T’Pala reaching for an infant Saavik as the latter was carried away by a masked Romulan.

“After Saavik was born, she was taken from T’Pala. She was only returned to her side three days later, when Saavik’s health took a downturn, and even then she was never left alone with her own child.”

“Why?”

“Romulan children born without a ridge and with high initial psi ratings are often taken from their parents to be raised for espionage. Saavik was meant to be no different, but because of her more Vulcan neurology such a thing would likely have killed her- Vulcan newborns must remain with a bonded parent at all times for at least the first month of life, if not longer. Despite this, T’Pala was not trusted to be alone with her, in case she attempted to escape or…” Spock grimaces. “Worse.”

“... how long did this go on for?”

“Months.” The image shifts to Saavik, growing from an infant to a slightly larger baby with tufts of dark and silvery curls growing out of her head. “She was monitored carefully, but…”

Spock sighs.

“Saavik began missing developmental milestones, mostly in regards to her motor development. She was slow to turn onto her stomach by herself, slow to sit on her own without support, and had made very little progress towards walking by her first birthday.” The image shifts to Xerius arguing with another Romulan outside of T’Pala’s cell. “Xerius attempted to convince his superiors that a kinder environment and gentler guidance might lead to a developmental catch-up, but he was ignored as the Romulans grew more and more impatient with her lack of progress.”

Spock swallows, clenching his fist behind his back.

“Eventually, a decision was made when Saavik was approximately eighteen months old. The Romulans believed it was a waste of time to wait for her to improve, and instead decided to… try again, perhaps with a different Vulcan.”

Jim’s stomach flips.

“Christ,” he mutters.

“Indeed. There is a reason that Vulcan colonies near the Neutral Zone have been hit with directives to relocate over the past few years.”

“I’ll bet.” Jim takes a breath to settle himself. “What happened next?”

“Naturally, Xerius was horrified, and made another decision.” The image shifts to Xerius knocking out a guard, then taking Saavik from a nursery. “He knew that no matter the cost, he needed to get his wife and child to safety.”

The image shifts to Xerius helping T’Pala out of her cell, followed by the three of them running down a long corridor.

“They managed to make it off the base and off the colony altogether by stealing a ship, but in the process…” Spock trails off, and the image shifts, showing a pale T’Pala with green blood dripping down her side. “In the process, T’Pala was gravely injured.”

The image shifts to Xerius and T’Pala watching as ships identical to the one they were on pursued them, getting closer and closer with each passing minute.”

“What was worse was that the Romulans were determined to catch them. They followed them through the Neutral Zone. Eventually, they managed to disable the ship from moving.”

Spock is quiet for a long moment.

“Romulans are… proud. Retreat, surrender, capture- these things are not an option to a Romulan.” Spock takes a breath. “With that in mind, every Romulan ship is outfitted with a self-destruct protocol, to be activated when there is no other path forward but defeat. “And though he had become entirely disillusioned with his own people, Xerius was still Romulan through and through.”

Jim’s stomach sinks as the image changes to Xerius forcing T’Pala and Saavik into an escape pod. Seconds later, the image changes to T’Pala watching from the launched pod as the stolen ship explodes, taking their pursuers with it.

“Xerius managed to buy them enough time and space to traverse the rest of the Neutral Zone in the pod.” The image changes to that of a VEG ship. “By sheer coincidence, the ship I was serving on at the time was near the border. We detected two life signs in the pod, one being a small child, and chose to bring them onto the ship.”

The image shifts to show a number of Vulcan scientists around the pod, Spock himself included.

“T’Pala told us of what had happened to her, where Saavik came from, and then…”

Suddenly, the world fades away; within a minute, they’re back at Lake Yuron.

“Spock?” Jim asks. “Why are we back here?”

Spock takes a breath.

“Because that is where T’Pala’s cogent memories end,” he answers. “She fell unconscious shortly after. She did not reawaken.”

“... I see.” Jim swallows. “What… what happened after that?”

“The bond breaking between T’Pala and Saavik caused Saavik to fall ill. As we had no way of identifying her clan on the ship, we had no choice but to rush back to Vulcan in order to keep her stable and find them.”

Spock takes a breath; out of the corner of his eye he sees Spock clench his fist.

“Within a few days, T’Pala’s clan had been identified as Saavik’s biological family. They were contacted, and arrived to go through the funeral rites for T’Pala, which I also participated in as the holder of her katra. Then, her family was expected to take Saavik in, but…” Spock takes a deep breath. “The morning after T’Pala’s funeral, the head of their clan formally filed to have Saavik expelled from it.”

Jim’s stomach clenches.

“You said that was because she was sick.”

“She was. However, it was a sickness that would easily have been healed by the establishment of a new parental bond. The true reason was because she was Romulan.”

“But that wasn’t her fault,” Jim argues. “She didn’t choose her parents.”

“No, she did not. But her clan wished to have nothing to do with her, and quickly left Vulcan once the request was filed. Effectively, she was abandoned, and…”

A strange mix of nausea and pain flows through Jim.

“Spock?”

Spock breathes in, then out.

“If a child that age loses their parental bond, and another is not established, the likelihood that that child will die within two months is nearly one hundred percent.”

Jim’s stomach drops.

“And with her clan not wanting her…”

Spock doesn’t speak for a long moment.

“I could not bear it,” he admits. “Perhaps it was because I carried her mother’s katra, perhaps I saw myself in this child that was so thoroughly rejected by those who were supposed to care for her, but I could not let her die.”

Spock breathes in, and out.

“So, I did something I told myself I would never do: I went to my father, and asked him to use his influence to help me gain custody of Saavik.”

Jim’s eyebrows rise.

“Oh, wow.”

“I realize that it was… ethically dubious,” Spock says. “And normally, I would never utilize my position as his son for anything. However, it seemed highly unlikely that she would find another parent in time, given her clan’s rejection and the less than likely possibility of the state finding a suitable guardian for her to bond with. My father was able to fast track the application, and I was approved as her adoptive parent within a week. A week after that, I had resigned from the Vulcan Expeditionary Group and relocated to Vulcan to teach at the VSA.”

Spock exhales.

“It was… perhaps the most reckless thing I have ever done. And yet, it is something I could never regret, because Saavik has become the most important thing in my life.”

Jim smiles.

“I can understand that,” he says softly. He then lets out a long exhale. “You were right, though. That’s… that’s a lot, Spock.”

“It is… a heavy burden to carry.”

Jim doesn’t reply to that, instead brushing his arm against Spock’s.

“I’m happy to carry it with you,” he says quietly. 

Spock looks over at him, a small smile playing on his lips. He turns, pulling Jim into a gentle embrace. Jim pulls back a bit to kiss him, then presses their foreheads together.

In front of them, the setting sun bathes the sky and the lake in shades of gold.

Notes:

you know that one steven universe text post from years ago that's like "episode 1: steven tries to find his favorite ice cream" and then "episode 50: steven watches his friend force an evil doer into being trapped together forever" or something?

i didn't expect this fic to have those vibes but somehow that's where we ended up.

thank you all for reading! only one more chapter and an epilogue left. i'm so thankful to everyone who's kept up with this fic over the past year plus!

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 49: family day

Spock comes out of the meld to find a small hand plastered to his mouth. He frowns, eyes flicking down to see Saavik draped on top of both Jim and himself. Jim seems just as surprised, though there’s a small grin on his face when he looks up at Spock.

“Guess we must have been pretty deep in it not to notice her, huh?” He muses.

“Indeed.” Spock rolls onto his back, pulling Saavik on top of him. She whines in her sleep, cracking her eyes open to glare at him. “Saavik, you cannot sleep here.”

Saavik whines again, then reaches out for Jim.

“Aw, sweetheart,” Jim says softly, reaching over to pet her hair gently. “I love you too, Saavik, but you need to sleep in your own bed.”

Saavik shakes her head, then tries to wriggle over so that she is on top of Jim.

“Saavik,” Spock chastises lightly, pulling her back and sitting up with her in his arms. “You will be able to see Jim in the morning.”

He turns to get out of bed, which is when Saavik bursts into tears.

“Oh, geez,” he hears Jim say. He feels the bed shift behind him as Jim gets out, then comes over to the other side. “Saavik, it’s alright. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Saavik reaches for him, still crying. Jim takes her, holding her close to his chest.

“Honey, hey, it’s okay…” Jim glances over at Spock. “Maybe just for tonight…?”

Spock tilts his head slightly. 

“I will remind you, she tends to kick in her sleep.”

“I know, but please?”

After a moment, Spock sighs.

“Very well,” he acquiesces.

Jim smiles at him, then carries Saavik over to the other side of the bed, laying her down between the pillows. As soon as he’s laying down next to her, Saavik turns and burrows into Jim’s chest. Jim smiles, putting a hand on her back.

Spock’s heart stutters, then again when Jim’s eyes flick up at him.

“What?” He asks quietly.

In lieu of a verbal reply, Spock leans in and kisses him gently. When he pulls back, Jim is smiling.

“I love you too. Now, come on, let’s get some rest.”

Spock nods, then settles down, moving so that Saavik is fenced in on either side by one of them.

If nothing else, it may help with the kicking.

“Good night,” Jim says softly. 

“Good night,” Spock replies.

Saavik makes a sleepy noise, and Spock cannot help but smile.

---

Spock wakes at his normal time to find that Jim has turned onto his back in the night, as he usually does. Saavik is still snuggled into his side, and Spock doesn’t bother to suppress the twinge of fondness and affection in his chest. As quietly as possible, he gets out of bed, heading for the bathroom. Once he has performed his regular morning ablutions, he returns to his bedroom, changing into his meditation robes before climbing back onto the bed and prying Saavik away from Jim. Saavik whines sleepily, and Spock hushes her.

“It is morning, Saavik. You and I must meditate, and I would prefer to do so without waking Jim.”

Saavik huffs, but has woken up enough to acquiesce, allowing him to put her down and heading for the bathroom. He moves to retrieve his firepot, incense burner, and meditation cushions from the closet, stopping when he hears a rustle from the bed. He turns to see that Jim is awake and has propped himself up with his elbow.

“Mm… Spock? Wh’s goin’ on?”

“I apologize, Jim, did I wake you?”

“Mm… s’fine. What’re you doing?”

“Saavik and I are going to meditate. It is still very early, you should go back to sleep.”

Jim yawns, then lays back down, turning onto his side.

“Mmkay…”

Spock allows himself a small smile, waiting until he hears the sound of soft, steady breathing before walking over to Jim’s side of the bed. He leans down, kissing his temple softly. Jim hums in his sleep, then nuzzles his pillow.

Spock adores him.

He silently returns to the closet, grabbing what he needs before heading towards the living room.

Ashaya meows at him plaintively as he walks out of the bedroom, tail springing up and curling at the end.

“Good morning,” he greets as they both walk down the hall. “I assume you are done being upset with Jim for being absent?”

She meows again, then turns and heads toward the kitchen. Spock follows, putting the meditation implements down in the living room before preparing her breakfast. She begins eating as soon as he sets down the plate, as always. Once she is done, she rubs up against his legs, then heads back down the hallway, likely toward Spock’s bedroom. 

Spock returns to the living room, setting up first the cushions, then the firepot and incense burner. Saavik emerges, rubbing at her eyes as she joins him. Spock wordlessly reaches up and straightens the collar of her robe.

“Are you ready?” He asks.

Saavik nods, kneeling down on her cushion. Spock does the same with the one across from her, taking a deep breath. 

Soon, they both fall into meditation.

Today, Saavik’s mind is slightly less troubled, likely due to the fact that Jim has returned and has made reassurances as to his place in her life. 

Truthfully, until Saavik had realized that Jim was not coming over the night after the planetarium, Spock hadn’t quite realized how attached she was to him. He had known that he was important to her, but he had thought it was similar to how she viewed Carol, or one of her teachers, not…

Well. Not as a parental figure. 

In hindsight, though, it was obvious. Saavik can be affectionate, but to his knowledge she has never hugged Carol or any of her teachers. Her displays of physical affection are typically limited to Spock himself, his parents, and now Jim and David. 

Spock had been hesitant to broach the idea of Jim as Saavik’s parent, mostly because what he had read cautioned against rushing the process. And yet, while he was not looking, Saavik easily accepted Jim’s role in her life, and even began to expect it.

He cannot say that does not please him. The idea of a family with Jim is…

It is something that he has thought of, though as a more distant future than something happening soon. 

But he cannot say he does not feel a sense of peace with it.

---

Spock exits his meditative state to the sound of water coming to a boil. He frowns, looking over his shoulder into the kitchen.

“Jim?”

“Oh, hey,” Jim says with a smile. “You guys looked like you were busy with your meditation, so I figured I’d get started on breakfast. Oatmeal okay?”

“Oatmeal would be satisfactory,” Spock replies as he turns back to Saavik.

Saavik signs that she would like blueberries in her oatmeal.

“Alright, think I saw some of those in the fridge.” Spock watches as Jim turns out of sight, hearing the door to the refrigerator open just moments later. “Yup, there it is. Hang on just a minute, okay?”

Spock nods, then turns to Saavik. 

“Do you require assistance changing into your day clothes?”

Saavik shakes her head, then stands up and runs off toward her bedroom.

“Aw, she’s already old enough to dress herself?” Jim says.

“Mostly. I do often have to make sure her clothing matches, and I have more than once had to convince her that a pair of overalls and a party dress cannot be worn together.”

Jim laughs, shaking his head as he mixes the oats into the water.

“Yeah, I’ve been there with David. Although he’s not much of a dress kid. There was a tutu phase a few years ago, though. I think I still have that somewhere if Saavik ever gets into that kind of thing.”

“I will keep that in mind,” Spock says as he extinguishes his firepot, picking it, the incense burner, and the cushions up. “I will be back shortly.”

“I’ll be here,” Jim responds. It’s almost absent, like an afterthought, but it still makes something warm curl up in Spock’s chest as he walks towards his bedroom.

By the time that Spock has emerged from his bedroom with both his day clothes and his makeup on, Saavik has already returned to the kitchen, where she is showing off her outfit to Jim.

“Very stylish! Great job, sweetheart.”

Saavik is smiling from ear to ear as Spock approaches. She is wearing a rainbow-striped shirt and overalls, but Spock is very much in favor of encouraging outfits that match.

“I too approve of your choice in outfit, Saavik.”

Saavik beams up at him, then holds up a hair tie and her hairbrush. 

“Ah. You would like a ponytail today, I assume?”

Saavik nods, and Spock takes the tie and brush from her.

“Very well. Go sit down at the kitchen table.” 

“Breakfast will be ready by the time you’re done there,” Jim tells them.

“Thank you,” Spock says as he follows Saavik over to the kitchen table. Once she has sat down, Spock gathers her hair in his hand, gently brushing it. Ashaya walks under the table, brushing his legs on her way back to the kitchen. He hears Jim humming in the kitchen, and he allows himself a small smile. 

If David were here, he thinks privately, this may well be as close to a perfect moment as one could get.

“There you are,” he says once Saavik’s hair has been tamed into a ponytail. Saavik turns in her seat, signing a thank you, then gets out to go see Jim again.

“Ah, not too close, Saavik, I don’t want you near the stove top.”

Saavik makes a discontented noise in response.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Them’s the breaks.”

Just then, Ashaya jumps on top of the counter, tail swishing over the tile.

“Ashaya, we’ve been over this already this morning. You can’t be on the counter.”

Ashaya swishes her tail again, making no move to leave. Spock walks into the kitchen, grabbing the spray bottle from nearby. 

Ashaya sniffs at him, then hops off.

“At least she’s consistent with that thing,” Jim says just as he turns off the stove. “Can you grab a few bowls for me?”

Spock nods, walking over to the cabinet and getting the bowls, as well as two adult spoons, and one spoon for Saavik and a few napkins. He carries the bowls over to Jim, then moves to set the table. 

“Saavik, come sit down,” he calls as he sets a place for her. She nods, walking over to the kitchen table and climbing up into her seat. Minutes later, Jim arrives with their oatmeal, leaving and returning with his own a minute after that.

Breakfast is a quiet affair. Spock finds he rather likes that.

What he likes even more, however, is doing dishes with Jim. Saavik has migrated to the living room, content to draw while they work, and they do so in companionable silence. 

Right until Jim’s comm beeps. 

“Ah, hang on a second,” Jim says as he puts the bowl he was cleaning back into the sink. He picks up his comm, checking it, then smiles.

“Has something happened?” Spock inquires.

“Yeah, actually. I messaged Carol to ask if it would be alright if we all came and picked up David from her place on Saturday.”

Spock’s eyebrows rise. 

“Indeed?”

“Mm, I thought it would be a nice way to…” Jim trails off, a slightly anxious expression on his face. “To, uh, start a family day.”

Spock’s stomach flips, and he nods.

“That does sound like a good idea.”

Jim beams at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” Spock confirms. Jim smiles at him again, then leans in to peck him on the lips.

“I was thinking we’d go over to the park for a little while, since the weather forecast says it’ll be a nice day.”

“I believe the children would enjoy that. It would also be a good way to tire them out, so that they are not overly energetic later on in the evening.”

“That’s always a good thing,” Jim agrees. He then picks up the bowl and turns the sink back on. “Come on, let’s get this done. I’d like to have a little time to relax before Saavik starts getting restless.”

Though he doesn’t vocalize it, Spock agrees.

---

Saavik does not run out of the lift when it arrives on Carol’s floor, but she does rather insistently pull on both Jim and Spock’s arms.

“Okay, okay!” Jim says with a laugh as they all walk out of the lift. “Excited, Saavik?”

Saavik nods emphatically.

“I bet David will be really happy to see you, too. Do you remember which apartment is Carol’s?”

Saavik nods, then points at the door when they get close. 

“Great job,” Jim tells her. 

“Remember to thank Carol for having us over, Saavik,” Spock instructs.

Saavik nods as they stop outside of Carol’s door.

“You ready?” Jim asks. Saavik nods, and Jim smiles at her before knocking on the door. A few minutes later, Carol opens the door.

“Hey, Carol,” Jim greets. 

“Hello, Jim.” She turns her gaze to Spock and Saavik, smiling. “Spock, Saavik, it’s wonderful to see you again.”

“I am pleased to see you as well, Carol.”

She nods, then moves so that they can walk inside, closing the door after them.

“David’s just finishing up packing now,” she tells them as she leads them into the living room. “David! David, sweetheart, your father is here.”

“Okay, just a minute!”

“Is that minute because you’re still playing with your toys?”

A beat passes.

“Noooooo…”

Jim bites back a laugh.

“Well, be quick, alright? There’s a surprise out here for you.”

“What is it?”

“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it?”

“Oh, yeah. I’ll be fast!”

Indeed, David emerges from his room a few minutes later, walking with his backpack in front of him as he stuffs something brightly colored into it.

“Hey, kiddo.”

“Hi, Daddy,” David says without looking up. “Can we go see Mister Dr. Spock and Saavik today?” 

“Sure, but you don’t have to go very far for that.”

David looks up with a confused expression before catching sight of Spock and Saavik. He gasps, dropping his bag.

“You’re here!” He squeals before running up to them, first to hug Saavik, and then Spock’s legs. “I missed you!”

“We have missed you as well,” Spock tells him, laying a hand on the top of his head. “Did you enjoy your week with your mother?”

“Uh-huh! Me and Isla went to the park every day!”

“Isla thought it would be a good idea to get him out of the house,” Carol explains. 

“Ah, I see. Well, if you’re not too parked out, we could go today.”

“Yes!” David agrees. “I wanna go to the park with everyone!”

He grabs Spock’s arm, tugging him toward the door.

“Let’s go, let’s go!”

“Buddy, you gotta get your bag first.”

“Oh, yeah.” David lets go of his arm, walking over to grab his backpack. He puts it on, then turns to look at them. “Okay, now let’s go!”

Jim laughs, glancing over at Spock with a small smile on his lips.

Spock allows himself to smile back. 

---

Approximately twenty minutes later, they arrive at the park, the children nearly jumping out of the car as soon as they are released from their car seats.

“Don’t run off!” Jim calls as he closes the door. 

“Aww…”

Jim sighs, then looks over at Spock.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick. Can you keep an eye on the kids?”

“Certainly,” Spock replies.

“Great. Be right back,” Jim says before walking off towards the restroom.

“Mister Dr. Spock, can we go play now pleeeaaaaassseeee?” 

Spock nods, and both children immediately take off toward the playground. Spock adjusts his bag on his shoulder as he follows along, frowning when he sees David climbing onto the monkey bars. 

“David, you are not supposed to use that on your own, you could-!”

David attempts to jump from the ladder to grab the first bar, missing it by quite a bit and falling onto the gravel below.

“David!” Spock runs over to him, as does Saavik. David is already crying when he arrives. “Are you alright?”

David shakes his head, gingerly getting onto his knees. The fact that he is moving is something of a relief, but Spock still kneels to his eye level.

“It- it hurts!”

“What hurts?”

David sniffs, then lifts up his elbow. It is scraped red and bleeding, but Spock does not see any pebbles caught in the wound.

“It- it huuuuuuuurts!”

“It does look painful,” Spock replies before pulling his water bottle and the first aid kit out of his bag. “I am going to have to wash your scrape out, David. It will sting, but it is necessary to avoid infection.”

David sniffs again, but nods. While Spock quickly washes his hands, Saavik offers him her arm, which he takes gratefully. Spock takes the soap out of the kit, flipping the cap open.

“Are you ready?”

David hesitates, then nods. He winces and cries out when Spock applies the soap to his elbow, squeezing Saavik’s arm, but stays still long enough for Spock to wash out the wound and apply antibiotic cream. 

“Would you like to choose a bandage?” Spock says, offering him the box. David sniffs, then nods, taking a moment before choosing a bandage with Meii’shi on it. Spock applies it, then begins to clean up.

“You’re supposed to kiss it better, Mister Dr. Spock.”

Spock pauses, looking over at David.

“While there are some studies showing that ‘kissing it better’ can help due to the transfer of saliva, doing so after the wound has been cleaned and bandaged is-!”

“Please?” David says, eyes pleading.

Spock hesitates, then resists the urge to sigh as he moves to David’s side. He lifts his elbow, then presses a gentle kiss over the bandage.

“Is that acceptable?”

“Mmhm! Thank you!” David suddenly surges forward, wrapping his arms around Spock’s neck. “I love you, Mister Dr. Spock!”

Spock blinks, heart squeezing in his side. After a beat, he hugs him back.

“There you guys are!” 

Spock releases David to look around at Jim, who looks worried and relieved in equal measure.

“What happened?”

“I tried to jump onto the monkey bars and I fell,” David says.

“Wh-! David, we’ve talked about this, you can’t use these by yourself!”

“I know, but I wanted to!”

Jim sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Well, are you okay, at least?”

“Uh-huh! I hurt my elbow, but Mister Dr. Spock fixed it!” David wriggles out of Spock’s arms. “Come on, Saavik, let’s go play in the sandbox!”

Saavik nods, and the two run off towards the sandbox. Jim lets out another sigh.

“That kid… at least they’re resilient at that age, right?”

Spock hums as he gathers up his first aid kit and slips it back into his bag.

“You okay?”

Spock stands up, then clears his throat.

“David told me that he loves me.”

Jim frowns.

“You seem stunned by that.”

Spock clears his throat again, glancing away.

“I… wasn’t aware David felt so strongly about me.”

Jim blinks, then smiles.

“I thought it was rather obvious that he adores you. You’re one of his favorite people in the whole galaxy, you know.” Jim nudges him slightly. “It’s one of the reasons I like you so much.”

Spock raises an eyebrow.

“‘One of?’”

“Well, there are other factors of course. You’re brilliant, loyal, strong, kind-hearted, and probably one of the hottest people I’ve ever met-!”

“Jim,” Spock interrupts as heat rushes to his cheeks. Jim laughs, pulling him in for a kiss.

“It’s true,” he insists. “You’re a good man, Spock. I’m lucky to have you.”

Spock presses his lips together, then sighs softly.

“I could say the same to you,” he says quietly.

Jim blinks, then grins as his cheeks redden and his eyes light up. He leans in for a kiss, then presses his forehead to Spock’s. 

In the back of his mind, Spock thinks he’s never been happier.

---

Eventually, after a few more hours at the park, dinner, and ice cream, it comes time for Jim and David to return home. Saavik is less than pleased about this, but offers only minimal protest after being promised a sleepover the next night. There are several minutes of long hugs when they part ways back at Spock’s apartment building, and Saavik is quiet when they return home, but only in the way she usually is whenever Jim and David have to leave. She is cooperative as they go through her bedtime routine, which is a good sign.

“Jim will call in a few minutes,” Spock tells her as they enter her bedroom. “As we have recently finished Winnie the Pooh, I believe it is time to choose a new book.” 

Saavik nods, walking over to the bookshelf. Spock’s comm buzzes in his pocket, and he takes it out.

Jim: It’s gonna be a few more minutes, David just remembered that it’s bath night and isn’t pleased about it.

Spock allows himself a small smirk.

Spock: I am sure you will be glad when he grows out of his anti-bath phase.

Jim: I’ll be happier when he can bathe by himself. At least he’s old enough to help me clean up after him. 

Spock: Saavik being able to help clean has been helpful, even if she is not very good at it.

“Father.”

Spock freezes. He looks over at Saavik, who is pointing at a book just out of her reach.

“Father,” she repeats, pointing at the book more emphatically. Spock simply stares at her, and she huffs. “Father.”

Spock manages to break out of his shock, slipping his comm into his pocket and walking over to the bookshelf. He takes the book she’s pointing to- Alice in Wonderland, of all things. She holds out her arms to take the book.

Spock instead drops to his knees, pulling her into a hug. She makes a questioning noise, and Spock cannot help the burst of affection in his entire being.

“I love you,” he says quietly. “I love you, Saavik.”

He feels her confusion melt away, replaced by her own love and affection towards him.

“Father,” she murmurs as she hugs him back. 

And that alone is everything.

Notes:

guess who made herself tear up with that last scene lmao

thank you all so much for all of your support! next week is the epilogue, but i do plan on writing smaller fics within this au!

comments are always appreciated!

Chapter 50: epilogue: darling, so it goes (some things are meant to be)

“Daddy.”

Jim grunts, snuggling up against his pillow. He hears a huff, then a small finger pokes his cheek.

“Daddy.”

Jim groans, then opens his eyes.

“Saavik, what are you doing up?”

“Wake up,” she answers. “For special breakfast.”

Jim blinks, then reaches up to grab his comm off the side table. When he turns it on, it’s all he can do not to groan again.

“Saavik, my alarm’s not supposed to go off for another ten minutes.”

“Want pancakes.”

Despite his tiredness, Jim gives her a look.

“Full sentences, please.”

Saavik huffs.

“I want… pancakes,” she says haltingly. “You… promised.”

Jim sighs, turning over onto his back and running his hand over his face.

“I did, didn’t I?” Jim glances over at Spock, who is still sound asleep as usual; the man won’t wake up for anything less than either Jim, David, or Saavik having a nightmare if he’s not fully rested. 

It’s probably a little weird that Jim still finds that kind of endearing. 

“Alright,” he says, turning his legs to get out of bed. “Let’s go make some pancakes, huh?”

“Yes!” Saavik runs out into the hall, and Jim chuckles. He turns to glance over at Spock again, then gets up. He turns around, leaning down to kiss Spock’s cheek. Spock doesn’t react, but Jim smiles anyway.

Saavik is waiting for him when he walks out of the bedroom. To his surprise, so is David, though he barely qualifies as “awake.”

“Hey, bud, what are you doing up?”

David yawns.

“We’re makin’ pancakes, Daddy.”

“I know, but it’s really early. You sure you’re up for it?”

David yawns again, but nods.

“Well… alright, but there’s no shame in tapping out if you’re too tired, okay?”

“I’ll be okay,” David declares. “I want to make pancakes with you and Saavik.”

Jim smiles, reaching over and ruffling David’s hair.

“If you’re sure. Come on, let’s get to it.”

“Yes!” Saavik says emphatically before racing down the stairs. David trudges after her, rubbing at his eyes; Jim makes a note to lay out a throw blanket on the couch. 

Ashaya meows loudly when they come downstairs, tail in the air as she rubs against Jim’s legs.

“Good morning to you too. Want some breakfast?”

Ashaya meows in response, trotting off toward the kitchen. Once she’s eaten, she wanders off upstairs, likely to sleep on top of Spock for the next forty minutes. 

Saavik is practically buzzing with excitement when Jim and David arrive in the kitchen, already trying to reach for her apron. Jim grabs it for her.

“There you go. Need any help?”

Saavik shakes her head.

“I do it!” She pauses, then shakes her head. “I… can do it.”

Jim chuckles.

“Good job, sweetheart.” He grabs David’s apron off the hook. “What about you, David? Do you need any help?”

“Yes please,” David says quietly as he accepts the apron. He puts it over his head, then waits as Jim ties the strings behind his back. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“No problem, kiddo.” Jim gets up, then gets his own apron on before turning back to Saavik. “Got it?”

Saavik nods, spinning around to show him. The tie immediately comes undone, and she makes a sound of dissatisfaction.

“That’s alright,” Jim tells her, kneeling down behind her. “I’ll get it.”

Saavik huffs, but allows him to tie the strings in a little bow. 

“There you go. Now, let’s get all the ingredients out and then wash our hands, okay?”

The kids agree. Minutes later, all six hands are washed and both kids are sitting at the counter waiting for instructions.

“Alright, the first thing we need to do is whisk together the dry ingredients. We’ll need to measure them out first, can you guys help me with that?”

“Yeah!”

The flour goes… okay. A not-insignificant amount ends up on the floor and the counter, as does the sugar. The only reason the egg substitute doesn’t suffer the same fate is because Jim gets it away from a now much more awake David before he can start pouring.

It’s a mess, but the kids are having fun. That’s all Jim can really ask.

Even if cleaning the kitchen this early in the morning kinda stinks. 

Eventually, though, they get through the recipe, all of the ingredients whisked together into a thick batter. 

“Alright, this next part needs the stove. That means you two have to go over there.”

“Aw, but Daddy!” David whines even as they both trudge behind the island counter.

“Wanna see!” Saavik agrees.

“Full sentences,” he reminds her as he spreads the vegetable oil on the pan.

“I… wanna see!”

“You can see just fine from over there.”

“Nah-uh, you’re in the way, Daddy! We can’t see what’s happening in the pan!”

Jim looks over his shoulder at the kids, a little amused.

“You guys know that you wouldn’t be able to see anyway, right? You’re not tall enough.”

“Oh yeah.”

Jim snorts, then pours a bit of the batter into the now-hot pan. It makes a sizzling noise, and both children groan.

“I wanna see it!” David complains.

“I can show you two a holo of pancakes cooking later if you want,” Jim offers.

“It’s not the same!” Saavik argues. “Wanna see these pancakes!”

“Well, I kinda need both my hands right now, so that’s not really possible.”

Both children groan again, and Jim resists the urge to roll his eyes.

“Look, I’ll see if there’s a way we can make a holo next time. Deal?”

He hears the kids whispering amongst themselves for at least a solid minute.

“Can we have chocolate chips in the pancakes next time?”

“No.”

“Aww…”

“It’s this deal or nothing, kids.”

Another minute of whispering.

“Okay, deal.”

“Glad to hear it. Now, I need to concentrate if we’re gonna-!”

“What are you all doing?”

Jim smiles over his shoulder at Spock, still in pajamas with sleep-rumpled hair.

“Father! We’re making pancakes!” David announces. “Except Daddy’s the only one allowed in the kitchen now, cause he’s using the stove. But we helped measure the ingredients and mixed stuff!”

Spock eyes the mess on the counter.

“I might have guessed.”

Jim laughs, then smiles when Spock walks up to him. 

“Happy Valentine's Day, Spock,” Jim says with a smile.

Spock gives Jim that tiny, lopsided smile he only ever shows when he’s with him or the kids.

“Happy anniversary, Jim,” Spock replies before moving in to kiss him. Jim presses up against him, enjoying the contact for a long minute.

“Daddy!”

They pull apart, looking over at Saavik, who has her eyebrows notched together in concern.

“Daddy! Pancakes! Pay attention, please!”

Jim can’t help but laugh, turning back to the stove. 

“Alright, alright. Don’t distract me, Spock.”

“Very well. Shall I set the table?”

“Sure, that’d be great. They’ll probably be ready in a few more minutes.” Jim glances up at him, smiling. “I love you, Spock.”

“As I love you, Jim.”

Jim grins a little wider.

“Daddy!”

“Okay, okay!”

---

Jim examines himself in the mirror, furrowing his brow. 

“Spock?”

“One moment, I am applying mascara.” A second later, Spock steps out of the bathroom. “Yes, ashayam?” 

Jim gestures to his outfit.

“What do you think, tie or no tie?”

Spock studies him for a moment.

“I believe the outfit works better sans necktie.”

Jim raises an eyebrow.

“Sure you just don’t like being able to see a little more of my throat?”

Spock, notably, doesn’t reply, instead ducking back into the bathroom. Jim chuckles, then undoes a couple of buttons on his shirt before heading for the closet. He slips on his oxfords, then glances over at the entrance. Once he’s sure Spock’s still occupied with putting on makeup, he crouches down in front of his dress uniform boots. He sticks his hand in the left one, feeling around until he feels what he’s looking for and pulls it out.

Jim exhales slowly, looking over the tiny pyramid in his hand. He taps it, watching it open and reveal the green, plumbob-shaped pendant inside. 

It had taken a while for Jim to find a way to get one of these on Earth. Amanda had helped, but most jewelry shops on Vulcan don’t ship off-planet, and there was very little chance that Spock wouldn’t find out if Amanda came to Earth in person, or if she shipped him something. Jim traveling to Vulcan alone was out too; he’s made a lot of progress with his condition, and he’s managed to take a couple off-planet vacations with Spock, but solo interplanetary travel is still something of a pipe dream.

Still, he managed to find someone willing to ship it out here, and now all that’s left to do is ask.

Jim bites his lip.

He knows that Spock will say yes. They’ve talked about getting married, they’re both on the same page about wanting to do it soon-ish, and he knows that Spock will like the proposal he’s got planned. 

But he can’t deny that he’s nervous, even having done this once before. 

Maybe it’s because he’s done this once before, and it didn’t work out. They’ve talked about that too, though, and Jim’s worked through his concerns about getting married again with his therapist. 

So, there’s not really a good reason for Jim to be so nervous. 

But still, he is. 

He really, really wants this to go well. Spock doesn’t really have any expectations other than the proposal be reasonably private, which Jim completely agrees with, and Jim knows him well enough to know that he’ll almost certainly love what Jim has planned, but…

Well. There’s a little niggling voice in the back of his head asking ‘but what if he doesn’t? What if you screw up so bad he doesn’t want to get married at all, and you have to break up and sell the house again and-!’

Yeah. He’s working on ignoring that voice.

Jim takes a breath, then closes the pyramid.

Spock loves him. He’s going to say yes. 

There’s nothing to-!

“Jim?”

Jim barely keeps himself from yelping as he stuffs the pyramid in his pocket.

“I apologize, did I startle you?”

“Just- just a little. I’m fine, really.”

“I see.” Spock raises an eyebrow. “May I ask why you are crouching on the floor of our closet?”

Jim clears his throat as he stands up. 

“One of my dress uniform boots fell over. I was just putting it back.” Jim smiles at Spock. “You look beautiful.”

It’s true, of course, but it’s also a little bit calculated to distract Spock, which it does judging by the way a light green flush blooms in his cheeks.

“Thank you. You also look very attractive today.” Spock glances behind Jim. “If you would not mind, though, I would like to get dressed before we are late for our dinner reservations.”

“Oh, of course.” Jim moves to scoot around Spock, then stops when they’re facing each other, grinning a little. “Your lipstick’s kissproof, right?”

“Of course.”

“Great.” Jim leans in, pecking him on the lips, then moves fully out of the way. Spock sends him one of those tiny smiles, then walks into their closet to pick out his outfit.

Jim can’t wait to marry him, he decides.

---

“Alright, have a good night, Mei.”

Jim hangs up his comm, getting out of the car and stretching before heading over toward the grassy overlook. Spock is waiting for him, sitting on the picnic blanket while reading a book by the light of his comm.

Jim grins, sticking his hand in his pocket to feel the pyramid. 

“Hey there,” he calls. Spock looks up at him, smiling slightly. 

“Are the children asleep?”

“Out like lightbulbs,” Jim confirms as he sits down next to him. “How’s the book club book going?”

“It is not as engaging as I had hoped,” Spock replies as he puts it to the side. “I believe Janice will agree at our next meeting.”

Jim laughs, then leans into Spock’s side.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“Show me where Vulcan is again?”

Jim feels Spock huff in mock annoyance.

“Jim, you are well aware where Eridanus is in the night sky.”

“I know, but I like it when you point it out to me.”

Spock sighs, then points up at the sky. 

“There,” he says, pointing at a star in a cluster of three shining just slightly brighter than its sisters. “Vulcan, of course, is not visible without a strong telescope. The same is true of Earth when seen from Vulcan.”

Jim hums, then chuckles.

“What is so funny?”

“Nothing, just… well, it’s strange to think, isn’t it?” Jim places his hand on top of Spock’s. “You and I grew up so far apart, and yet we still managed to find each other.”

Spock hums, leaning into him a little.

“Perhaps in some way, we were meant to do so.”

Jim smiles up at him.

“I’d like to think that.” Jim arches up, kissing Spock softly before turning his gaze back to the stars. 

They’re both quiet for a little while, watching the night sky in comfortable silence. 

Then, Spock shifts away from him.

“Jim?”

“Hm?” Jim looks over at Spock, frowning when he sees the nervous look in his eyes. “Spock? Everything alright?”

“Yes, I… I am merely thinking over my next words carefully.”

Jim notches his brow together.

“That sounds a little ominous.”

“I apologize, it was not meant to be. I am simply… I want this to go well.”

“Want what to go well?”

Spock takes a breath, then takes Jim’s hand.

“The day I met you did not seem any more extraordinary than any other at the time,” he starts. “I could never have imagined that a young boy running headfirst into my cart at the grocery store could so vastly change my life.”

Jim laughs, and Spock smiles.

“All my life, I have felt out of place, as if there was no real place for me in the universe. Even now, there are only three people who have made me feel otherwise: Saavik, David, and you.”

Realization dawns on Jim, and his eyes go wide.

“Spock…”

Spock takes a breath, then pulls something out of his pocket- a tiny velvet ring box.

“There is no doubt in my mind that my place in the universe is by your side.”

Spock opens the box to reveal a small gold band with a tiny diamond inset in the middle. 

The only ring Jim had really liked the one time they went to look at rings- just to look, they’d said.

He suspects Spock didn’t just look.

“James Kirk, will you marry me?”

Jim can’t help it: he bursts out laughing. 

Spock deflates, closing the box and looking away.

“A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed,” he mutters.

“No, no, no!” Spock winces again, and Jim quickly puts his hands on Spock’s cheeks. “No, I don’t- I don’t mean ‘no, I won’t marry you,’ I mean-!”

He sighs.

“Spock, I’m sorry, really. I wasn’t laughing at you, I promise. I just… well, I thought it was funny, that’s all.”

Spock frowns, looking over at him again.

“What exactly was funny about this?”

Jim grins, then puts his hand in his pocket.

“That we had the exact same idea.” He pulls out the pyramid, holding it in his palm. Spock stares at it, clearly shocked, then looks up at Jim.

“You…”

“Yeah. Took forever to find someone willing to ship one out here, but I managed to get it last month.”

“Where did you hide it?” Spock asks.

“The closet.”

Spock furrows his brow.

“I have been inside of our closet in the last month.”

“Yeah, but you never touch my shoes.” Jim grins. “It was in my left dress uniform boot.”

Spock’s lips quirk upward.

“Clever.”

“Thank you. Where’d you hide yours?”

“The pantry.”

“Okay, I’ve definitely been in our pantry in the past month.”

“Yes, but you cannot see the top shelf easily.”

Jim huffs, then smiles at him.

“So…?”

Spock tilts his head slightly.

“Are you gonna give me an answer, or…?”

“Technically, you have not asked yet. Additionally, you have not given me a concrete answer.”

Jim rolls his eyes, though he’s still smiling as he leans in to kiss Spock.

“Yes,” he whispers softly. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

“Then yes,” Spock replies. “I will marry you.”

Jim grins, then presses down on the top of the pyramid to open it. Spock ducks his head, allowing Jim to slip the pendant on. In turn, Spock slips the ring onto Jim’s left ring finger.

His hands are shaking. When Jim looks up, he sees that Spock’s eyes are wet. 

“Oh, Spock,” Jim says, drawing him into his arms. Spock doesn’t say a word, just buries his face in Jim’s shoulder. 

Jim’s not sure how long they sit there like that. He doesn’t really care, either- he’d stay like this forever if that’s what Spock needed from him.

Eventually, though, Spock pulls back, his eyes still a little wet and his cheeks and nose tinged green.

“I-!”

“Hey. What have I said about apologizing for showing emotion?”

Despite everything, Spock looks a little amused.

“That it is entirely unnecessary to do so.”

“That’s right,” Jim tells him before leaning in for a kiss. He feels Spock smile against his lips, then press back, allowing his lips to part.

As much as Jim likes it, though, he can already feel where this is going, and so he pulls back.

“Not that I’m not onboard with this, but we should probably slow down,” he says. “We do have a perfectly lovely hotel room reservation, after all.”

Spock considers this, then nods.

“A fair point,” he agrees. He then leans in for a soft, much chaster kiss. “Perhaps we could stay here just a moment longer, however?”

Jim smiles up at him, nodding. They turn to look back up at the stars, watching as they twinkle and shine as if only for their eyes.

“I love you,” Jim says, offering two fingers.

Spock smiles at him, then presses the tips of two fingers to Jim’s.

“As I love you.”

Notes:

i... am very emotional right now.

this fic started as just a cutesy idea, something to help me concentrate on something other than the world changing rapidly around me. and while it's definitely done that, i have grown to love this world, and i'm so grateful to everyone who's grown to love it too. while i won't be coming back to it right away, i do plan on writing more in this setting. for now, though, this is it, and i thank everyone who's stuck with me over the past year-plus.

comments are always appreciated!

(chapter title from "can't help falling in love" by elvis presley)

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of every little thing