How To Survive A Friendship

by Theyisms

Summary:

You can't lose something that was never yours to begin with. So how do you grieve when it's gone?

Notes:

THIS is what I've been working on for so long! It's done and it's out. Now I can finally get back to working on How To Become The Valedictorian! I hope you enjoy. Even if you do not, tell me about it!

“Really quickly, because I know how hard it is to get you all back on task once you get distracted, we have a new student. Class, meet Ajax Dimitrov–”

“Dimitrev.”

The older woman narrows her eyes, her exhausted expression turning to curiosity as she looks to the copper haired boy next to her. He looks a lot different than other Mondstadters. He’s almost as tall as the teacher in her highest heels. He’s far more pale than his classmates, his bright red shirt appearing to suck all of the color out of his skin. His vomit green pants are so baggy that they appear to swallow him, and so long that the bottom hem of each pant leg is torn, likely from being stepped on and dragged against the ground so often. Despite the state of his clothes, he doesn’t look sick or starving. His upper arms are already showing signs of developing muscles. He looks sturdy. Solid. Like he’s been doing some sort of manual labor over the summer.

Kaeya has never seen anyone that looks like this kid. He feels almost as curious as the teacher.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“It’s an E, not an O,” the boy explains. It sounds scripted, like he’s had to explain this a million times before. His voice is soft and even, almost like he’s afraid to speak up. “Yes, I’m from Snezhnaya, no, it is not technically a Snezhnayan surname. It’s a misspelling of a Greek surname.”

Finally, the teacher’s eyes light up. “That is fascinating. You’ll have to tell us about the history of your last name when we have more time. Unfortunately, you caught us in the last half of class, so there isn’t much time for the usual introduction.”

Ajax nods. “That’s okay! I’m happy to explain whenever.”

“For now, you can sit next to Kaeya. Kaeya, raise your hand so that Ajax can see.”

Kaeya lazily raises his hand. For a second, he and the new student lock eyes. The boy smiles at him, pulls his pink backpack off of his shoulder, and moves between the rows of desks to take the last empty one next to him. “Hiya, Kaeya.” He flashes all of his teeth as he eases into the chair, dropping the backpack on the floor next to his legs. Now that he’s closer, Kaeya can pick up on the slight accent. “Nice eye patch.”

Kaeya’s brow furrows. “Thanks. I can’t see.”

Ajax’s laughs quietly into his hand. “Whoops, was that a bad thing to say? I wasn’t being sarcastic. I like the design on it.”

“Be careful, Ajax. Kaeya is a talker,” the teacher warns. “Don’t let him distract you from your work. I won’t go easy on you just because you’re new.”

Ajax faces forward and nods. “Oh, yes ma’am. I’m very serious about my work.”

“That’s good. Now…”

Their teacher assigns them a few pages to read in their textbooks, then instructs them to pick their own partners. Since there aren’t enough, Kaeya is told to share his book with Ajax. They pull their desks together and open to the first assigned page.

“Just so you know,” Kaeya starts to explain before they begin, “She’s exaggerating. I’m not going to distract you.”

Ajax tilts his head. “Well, why not? I bet you could do it pretty easily.”

He blinks. He’s never gotten a response like that before. “I–”

“Is that your real hair? It’s very blue.”

Speechless, Kaeya turns to face Ajax a little more. “I…yeah. Um, I dyed it for my spirit week costume, but I didn’t know it was permanent dye. So, it’s just blue now.”

“Amazing. You should keep it that color. It looks really good on you.”

A switch flips upward deep inside of Kaeya’s brain. It’s something that has never flipped on before, something that he hadn’t even known existed until this very moment. He gives the new kid a quick double take before looking down at his book. “Hmph.”

“Anyway, when’s your birthday? I wanna add it to my calendar.” Kaeya looks up to see him pull a device out of his pocket. A cell phone. It looks comfortable in his hands, and the edges of the case are a bit worn. He’s had this phone for a while. 

“Er, November 30.”

“Ooh, I’m older than you,” he says as he taps his phone screen. “I’ll set a reminder.”

Kaeya, confused, asks, “Why are you saving my birthday? We just met.”

Ajax gives him a look as if he’s the crazy one here. “Are birthdays not important here? Do you not celebrate?”

“You usually only celebrate the birthday of loved ones or close friends.”

“Ah, so weird. Back home, we celebrate everyone’s birthday.”

“But you’re only taking down mine.”

“I’m only talking to you right now. I’m going to get everyone else’s eventually. You’re not special.” He smiles at his phone, then taps his thumb against the screen one last time. “Unless you wanna be.”

Kaeya’s laugh comes out in a nervous stutter. That is the first time he’s ever been caught off guard in a conversation. The people of Mondstadt are usually predictable. Easy to lead in a conversation, easy to entertain. Ajax is something else. Something fun. Perhaps something slightly dangerous to the mask he’s been building since he’d arrived here. “You’re funny.”

Ajax tucks his phone away. “Looking? Or like a comedic genius? I get both all the time.”

“I don’t think the first one is something to brag about.”

“And yet I still find a way,” he grins.

“How’s the reading coming, boys?”

Ajax’s bright blush bleeds through his cheeks as his eyes widen a second time. Kaeya is usually able to keep track of where the teacher is in the classroom at all times. How was he not able to see her approach them? He watches as the pale boy looks up at the teacher, a shit-eating grin spreads across his face like it belongs there. “Sorry! I guess I got a little carried away with my own introduction. I’ve always been taught that group work is easier when you know who you’re working with.”

What a ridiculous excuse. There’s no way the teacher is going to–

“That’s a good point. Just make sure that you get some reading done before the bell. I won’t hold it against you if you can’t finish it all.”

Kaeya’s jaw drops as the teacher moves on to check another pair's progress. He scoffs, then laughs. “How did you do that?”

He shrugs. “My dad taught me how to talk to people. Probably helps that I’m transferring here with all A’s. Oh, here!” He reaches over to grab Kaeya’s hand and his pen, then scribbles a bunch of numbers onto the back of his hand. “You should text me. And don’t be boring.”

He hums as he stares at Ajax a little longer. There’s definitely something different about Ajax, but it’s an exciting kind of different.

 

---

 

“For the last time, Kaeya, neither you nor Diluc are old enough to have a cell phone.”

Kaeya stomps both of his feet, swinging his arms back and forth as his head falls backwards on his shoulders. “But Dad!”

“N-O,” Crepus frowns. “You don’t get phones until high school. That is my rule.”

“But my friend Ajax has a phone!”

Crepus rolls his eyes. “If your friend Ajax wanted to go jump off of a bridge, would you want to do that too?”

Kaeya gives him a blank stare. “Dunno. How high’s the bridge?”

“See, this is why I have my rules. I don’t want my sons to grow up following trends, doing things just because they see others doing them without any thought as to how it might actually affect their lives. You only want a cell phone because your friend has one. That’s not a good enough reason to want a phone.”

“No, I want a phone so that I can text my friends! Don’t you want me to have a social life?”

“And why would I care about a seventh grader’s social life?” Crepus says, his voice taking on a lighter, more teasing tone.

“You’ll care when you’re in an old people home because I had to choose between housing my fifteen hundred cats and taking care of you, and I choose the cats because you’re horrible and awful and mean and you don’t get me anything I want ever.”

Crepus chuckles as he peeks at Kaeya over the top of his book. “You are going to put me in a nursing home because I won’t buy you a cell phone?”

“Correct,” he frowns, folding his arms over his chest. This is serious. Crepus needs to know that he means business this time. It’s either a cell phone or the nursing home.

“Ah, well. If that’s really how it has to be.” He lifts his book up. “Don’t name any of the cats after me, since you want to be that way.”

“Oooh, you’re the woooorst! You are the worst! Nobody likes you and you’re an awful person!”

“That’s nice, Kaeya.”

“I’m serious! I hope all your friends leave you!”

“All of them? I can’t have just one?”

“No! Because you don’t want me to have any friends because you won’t let me have a phone! They cost eighty dollars! If you can’t afford eighty dollars, just say so!”

“I can’t afford eighty dollars,” Crepus chuckles again, crossing his legs as he leans back against his six thousand dollar couch that he pays to have professionally cleaned every month. 

Kaeya shakes his fists in the air. “You being broke isn’t my problem!”

Crepus rolls his head back and sighs, dropping his book into his lap. He takes in a slow, deep breath, then reaches inside of his pocket to produce his own cell phone. “Here. I will not get you a cell phone, but you can use mine to text your little friend until then. If I get a call, you bring it straight to me. And do not take it with you to school.”

Kaeya’s tantrum subsides as he carefully accepts the phone. His father’s business phone. It isn’t exactly what he wanted, but this is even better. This is a gesture of trust, and he can’t let him down. He releases a breath, feeling something exciting bubble up in him. “I can really use it?”

“If it keeps me out of a nursing home, sure. Knock yourself out.”

The blue haired boy cheers as he rushes up to Crepus and hugs him around the neck. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! You’re the best in the whole world and I love you.”

Crepus laughs, kissing the hair on top of Kaeya’s head. “I love you, too.”

He detaches from his dad and runs up the stairs, holding the phone close to his chest. He can’t wait to plug those numbers into this phone and text someone for the very first time.

 

---

 

Sorryyy! Was helping take care of little sis! We can definitely go see that movie. I heard it’s supposed to be suuuper scary :0

Kaeya grins from ear to ear as he types out his response.

What are you, chicken? Scared of a little old movie?

Ajax responds quickly, as he always does.

I was worried for YOU :/ Since I’m older, it’s my job to make sure you don’t pee yourself... 

He laughs out loud, his thumbs flying across the digital keyboard in excitement.

I know your game. You’re just looking for an excuse to have your hand held at the movies.

Another response.

Drat! I’ve been caught! :0 

Hey, I kinda need my hands free right now. Can I call you?

Kaeya’s heart skips a beat as he stares at the text message. He reads it and reads it again, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he thinks it over. Crepus told him that he could text. He never said that he could call.

He peeks over his shoulder at the door. There are no footsteps to be heard on the other side. Just to be sure, he hops off of his bed and goes over to lock the door, then crawls back into the bundle of comforters. 

Yeah!

A few minutes later, the phone starts to ring. Kaeya answers it before the ringtone can play too long, then slowly brings the phone up to his ear. “Hello…?”

“Hey!” Ajax’s cheery voice sounds like it barely makes it to the speaker. Kaeya still feels himself relaxing at the sound of it. “I’m mopping so it’s stupid to keep stopping to answer back, you know? Anyway, you’re a jerk. I forgot to tell you that last week.”

“Last week? What happened then?”

“You said you’d ask your dad if I could come over and you didn’t!”

Kaeya gasps. “I forgot. Last week we had game night and things didn’t go well.”

“What happened?”

“Diluc lost.”

“Diluc…” Ajax muses softly. “Oh, your imaginary twin brother?”

Kaeya snickers. Ever since he’d befriended Ajax a couple months back, he’d discovered that he got a kick out of lying to people. Unfortunately, he’s lied to Ajax so much already that he doesn't believe him about anything anymore. So, he told a half lie. 

“Diluc is not imaginary! I really have a brother!” he laughs.

“Put him on the phone, then. Right now.”

“I, uh, can’t. I don't know if I’m supposed to be talking on the phone so I can’t go out of my room to get him. I don’t even know if he’s home yet–”

“Ohhh, real convenient!” Ajax complains loudly. “That’s the real reason you don’t want me to come over. You don’t want me to expose your sham of a family. I bet you’re actually just a ghost and you live in some creepy old mansion all by yourself. Trying to lure me there so you can kill me!”

“If I was a ghost, how would other people be able to see me?”

“Um, the laws of physics? Seriously, Kae, think a little.”

Kaeya’s mouth snaps shut as he lets the new nickname sit between them for a while. Ajax has never called him that before. His hand comes up to touch his burning cheek, and he shakes his head to get rid of the weird feeling. “Is that my name in your phone?”

“Nah, it’s Little Blue.”

Kaeya’s brows rise. “Why is it that?”

“Because you’re littler than me, and you’re blue. So: Little Blue. I think it’s cute just like you.”

He rolls his eyes toward the ceiling. His chest feels weird hearing that. “Coming from someone who also thinks the blobfish is cute, I do not feel flattered,” he lies.

“It is! It’s so slimy and pathetic, it’s sooo cute!” Ajax laughs.

Kaeya lets his head hit the pillow, a warm smile stretching across his face as he listens to Ajax go on and on about the different fish that he likes.

 

---

 

“Wait, it needs another one right there.”

An airborne Kaeya hits the bed hard, bouncing with the mattress as he inclines his head to the spot where Ajax points. “You don’t think there’s too many right there? I think it looks better if it’s all spaced out.”

“No, look.” Ajax presses his lips together as he bounces on the mattress a couple of times. Once the bed has enough motion, he bends his knees and launches himself into the air. His hand only barely touches the ceiling, but the sticker does its job and sticks in place. Ajax hits the bed with a happy huff. “See? Those three stars riiiight there make a little triangle now.”

Kaeya hums, pulling his legs closer to himself. “What’s the triangle for?”

“Oh, it just looks cool. You don’t think so?”

Honestly? “I don’t have any feelings about it. But if it’s cool to you, it can stay. I guess it’s nice to have a little part of you in my room now.”

Ajax smiles wide as he looks up at the stars. “I didn’t even think about it this way. That’s so cool, the way you think sometimes.” He leans over and bumps Kaeya’s shoulder. “You’re sweet when you want to be.”

That strange feeling in his chest returns. It’s been happening a lot lately. “D-Don’t make it sound so weird.”

“I didn’t!” Ajax laughs. “What are you talking about? You have a real problem accepting affection.”

“I do not. You just made that up,” Kaeya frowns.

“So give me a hug. Right now.”

Kaeya flinches away when Ajax opens his arms. “I don’t wanna hug you right now.”

“See!” Ajax points. “You’ve got that fear of intimacy shit my dad talks about!”

Defensive, Kaeya blurts, “Your dad’s a quack! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! People pay him to figure out what’s wrong with them and then they never get any better!”

Ajax’s face changes. It’s a subtle shift from having a good time to Why would you say that and it makes Kaeya feel awful. He sobers up, his playful anger settling into something quieter. “That…was a joke. I was joking. I’m sorry.”

Ajax shrugs at this, but his face doesn’t change again. “I know that. It didn’t bother me.”

It did. His smile is stretched too far and the light in his eyes has died. 

“Hey, if you–”

A knock on the door catches both of their attention. Kaeya breathes out softly. “It’s open!”

The door cracks open. Diluc peeks his head in, cautious. “Dad says dinner is ready. He says Ajax can stay if he wants.”

Kaeya looks over to Ajax. He’s afraid that he might have messed up earlier and Ajax will want to go home. He hopes he doesn't. “You wanna stay?”

Ajax nods. “Duh. But uh…” He leans closer and whisper, “Why’s the guy from class here?”

A loud laugh bubbles up out of Kaeya’s throat. He turns and reaches his hand out. “Luc, come here!”

Ajax watches with curious eyes as Diluc places himself near the side of the bed. Kaeya leans into him, wrapping his arms around his middle. “This is my brother. Diluc, say hey to Ajax.”

“Oh, I know. We have a class together,” Diluc says. Kaeya looks up at him and sees the almost blank look on Diluc’s face. He gently nudges his back. Diluc’s eyes widen for half a second before his face settles into something happy, but plastic. He doesn't understand this. “Hi, Ajax.”

“Hey!” Ajax smiles back. It doesn't seem like he notices anything is wrong at all. “I thought you were imaginary, so I’m sorry. Although someone told me you two were twins…”

Kaeya and Diluc both laugh. Diluc grabs Kaeya’s chin and leans down to press their cheeks together. “What do you mean? We’d be identical if it weren’t for one or two differences.”

Ajax balks. “ONE OR TWO?!”

Kaeya laughs louder, using Diluc for support so that he doesn't fall over. “I told you!”

Diluc untangles himself from Kaeya’s hold, holding his hands in front of his stomach. “I have to go finish my homework. You can go down whenever you’re ready.” He leans in closer and whispers. “Nervous.”

Kaeya nods. “Go ahead.”

Diluc leaves the room quickly. Kaeya notices Ajax watching. “He’s fun. I really didn’t know you guys were brothers.”

“He said you guys take a class together?”

“Yeah. We don’t have assigned seats so maybe I’ll sit next to him tomorrow. If he’s anything like you, we’ll be best friends before the end of the school year.”

Kaeya smiles as he climbs off of the bed. “I hope so. Then you can get bullied twice a day instead of just once.”

 

---

 

Kaeya has always hated it when Diluc cried. Still, he can’t help but feel grateful that he’s being useful right now. It feels good to feel needed, to feel like he’s a genuine, necessary part of this family.

He smooths the hair on the back of Diluc’s head, then drops his hand to rub his upper back. “It’s okay, Luc. You don’t have to say anything to me. Just...just breathe, okay?”

Diluc nods as he buries his face into his knees and sniffs. The tears haven’t stopped pouring for hours and he’s shaking like a leaf. Kaeya’s not sure what happened. Crepus said that the principal said that the teacher said that Ajax said that Diluc fell out in class on purpose. He’s not sure that he believes that. He only knows that his brother is not okay.

Heavy footsteps approach from down the hall. He can feel his heart rate skyrocket as he wraps an arm around Diluc and scoots closer. Their father is not happy. If he can, he’ll try to take the brunt of it because Diluc genuinely looks like he can’t right now.

The door opens. Crepus’s flat expression and slow, quiet steps into the room betray the almost hostile aura that follows him in. He shuts the door just as quietly behind him, and just stands there. Kaeya averts his eyes as he wraps his other arm around Diluc, holding him close.

“Diluc,” Crepus starts calmly. It never stays that way when Diluc is in trouble. “Do you understand how embarrassing it is to be in the middle of bragging to my colleagues about how smart and well behaved you are, only to have your principal call me and tell me to come pick you up for bullying a classmate?”

Kaeya’s throat feels tight. They haven’t even heard Diluc’s side yet and the word bullying is being thrown around? Diluc would never do that. “Dad, I think–”

“Suspended for a week?” Crepus grinds out between his teeth. “I have several meetings this week and you know that. What the hell am I going to do with you for that amount of time? The staff are busy, I am busy, Diluc, do you ever think before you do stupid things?! This is the most idiotic thing you have done to date!”

Diluc’s trembling worsens. He lets out a little noise as he tries to bury his face deeper into his knees. His arms are locked around his shins, fingernails digging into his skin until they produce bloody crescents. 

“Answer me, Diluc! Do not sit there and cry because you weren’t crying when you were disturbing your teacher’s class!”

His rapid breaths turn into choked gasps. His head shakes violently, his voice cracking as his attempts to form words fall flat. The room fills with choked sobs that sound painful to listen to. Kaeya can’t imagine how painful it must be to go through it. “Dad, stop. He’s not ready to talk.”

“I don’t give a damn what he’s not ready for. I want him to explain to me what the hell was going through his head. You are too smart to be acting up in school! You have never done this!”

“Can you stop?!” Kaeya asks in a panic. “S-Something’s wrong! You’re making it worse!”

“There’s nothing wrong with him! He’s doing this to get out of trouble–!”

Suddenly, Diluc’s right hand shoots up to grab Kaeya’s shoulder. His grip is so strong that it hurts but he refuses to flinch. He leans into the touch, searching Diluc’s pained expression for a clue. His eyes fall to Diluc’s left hand clutching at his chest. His breathing is even faster now, so fast that it makes Kaeya’s stomach turn. “Dad…” he says, his body starting to shake. Diluc crumples forward onto the floor, grabbing his chest with both hands as tears flow freely down the sides of his face. “Dad!”

Within seconds, Crepus is on his knees next to Diluc. “Heyheyhey, Diluc? Look at me. Can you speak?”

He shakes his head almost violently. It’s starting to look like he can’t breathe.

Crepus scoops the redhead into his arms and holds him close to his chest. “Kaeya, call an ambulance.”

Kaeya remains seated, staring at the frail looking boy in his father’s arms. His body feels cold. His limbs feel heavy.

“Kaeya!”

He flinches, looking up to meet Crepus’s eye. “H-Huh?”

“Get my phone and call an ambulance. Quickly.”

He nods as best he can and rushes off to find where he’d last had Crepus’s cell phone.

The ambulance arrives in record time. Kaeya knows that if it weren’t for Diluc’s last name, they would have taken their sweet time. He clings to Crepus’s side, taking in every few words as the paramedics explain what’s wrong with Diluc. High blood pressure. Stress. Panic attack. Vitals. Hospital. All of it sounds serious.

“Okay,” Crepus tells the man, then pats Kaeya’s upper back. “Bud, we’re going to the hospital. You remember how to pack the emergency bag?”

He nods stiffly.

“Go ahead and do that for me, okay? A-And be sure to pack Bean and a few other things that’ll make Diluc feel comfortable.”

Kaeya fights against his own tears as he glares up at Crepus. “This would have happened if you wouldn't have yelled at him. I t-told you to stop.”

“I know.” Crepus’s voice is starting to shake. “I should have listened to you and I didn’t. Just please, please go pack the bag. Anything that’ll help him, whatever you can find. Please…”

Kaeya huffs as he turns around and runs back inside. He places Bean carefully into his jacket pocket, packs Diluc’s favorite pillow and blanket, grabs his fuzzy socks because he knows that the hospital will be cold, a brush for his hair and a hair tie because he hates to have it in his face, one of the thicker books from his book shelf, and his entire pack of mango pineapple flavored candies. He moves on to the essentials, hastily zips up the bag, and then rushes back to Crepus.

He would later learn that Diluc’s refusal to speak was due to him having a verbal shutdown, that he’d had a meltdown in class, and that the doctors recommended he stay in an inpatient program for “further evaluation”. 

Those two weeks of Diluc’s absence would serve as Kaeya’s loneliest, scariest memory for a long time.

 

---

 

“It was a buildup of things,” Ajax tells him over the phone. He sounds extremely annoyed about being asked about Diluc. Kaeya thinks he has no right to be, but he doesn’t say this out loud. “First few weeks of class were okay. We sat next to each other and we’d have little competitions to see who can get higher grades on our weekly exams. I won, then he won, then I won. It was back and forth like that for a while. But then he won two times in a row, and that was cool! I didn’t make a big stink about it, but then he started gloating. He was so proud of himself and trying to make it seem like he was smarter than me. My dad even heard what he said and warned me that there was something wrong with him–”

“Don’t say that,” Kaeya blurts. He is immediately defensive, protective of the only family he knows. Diluc is still in the inpatient program until three in the afternoon today, and he will not let anyone speak poorly of him in his absence. 

“Don’t say what?”

“That there’s something wrong with him. Do not say that about my brother. Not to my face.”

Ajax groans. “I’m sorry. It’s just so frustrating! A stupid, friendly competition turns into fighting because he doesn’t know how to play nice, he starts insulting me, and then he pushes me? And I’m the bully here?!”

Kaeya’s eyes narrow as he listens. “He pushed you?”

“Yes! We were sitting down at the lab tables and he was fidgeting a lot for some reason. I asked him to stop because it was distracting and he told me to shut up and leave him alone. So I shut up and left him alone. Then, in the middle of doing my work, he elbows me and tells me to stop touching him . Because my elbow accidentally brushed against his. So I elbow him back again. We keep doing that for a while. The teacher asks what we’re doing, and as soooon as he has her attention, he throws himself on the ground and starts scream-crying for me to stop touching him! Now there’s a rumor going around that I beat him up in the middle of class!”

Kaeya huffs. “Why didn’t you just ask to be moved when the fighting started?”

Ajax is silent for a moment. “Are you really trying to say this is my fault?”

“No, I’m just saying–”

“Because I didn’t do anything wrong! My dad told me that is what they do. Your dad and your brother do things to mess with people and then they act like they’re some sort of victim for sympathy! Now I look like a terrible person, nobody will talk to me except you, and I’m suspended!”

Having lived with them for so many years, Kaeya can confidently say he’s never once witnessed a time where Crepus or Diluc have made themselves a victim in any situation. Diluc especially. He’s always the first to accept fault or blame even when it isn’t his fault. 

When they visited him the other day, the doctor told them his diagnosis. Diluc kept apologizing for being an inconvenience, for “being born wrong” and making their lives harder. What Ajax is saying isn’t matching up with what he knows and what Diluc has told him.

“I think you guys should talk when you both get back to school. Diluc said—”

“I don’t care what Diluc said, to be honest with you. I never want to see him again. Even if I did, my dad literally forbade me from talking to him. You know how bad something has to be for him to forbay it? Only reason he still lets me talk to you is because I told him you were adopted. He says since you’re not really family, you’re not half-baked in the head like they are.”

Kaeya sits up straighter, his blood jumping from a light simmer to a raging boil. “Why would you say that? Diluc and Crepus are my real family.”

“N-No! I didn’t say that! That’s what my dad said–”

“Your dad’s an asshole,” Kaeya spits viciously. “No wonder my dad can’t stand him. He says he doesn’t have anyone who really cares about him because he’s a snake that talks bad about everybody behind their back, and he’s manipulative.”

Ajax scoffs. “Funny. That’s what my dad said about your dad.”

“Well, he’s wrong. My dad is a great person.”

“So is my dad! He really knows how people work. I trust that he knows what he’s talking about.”

“Yeah?! You think the same man that pushed you down the fucking stairs for making a B on your exam is a good person?! You really think someone who can hurt the person they claim to love and then blame them for it is a good judge of character?!”

The line goes quiet. In the back of his mind, he knows that what he said was probably too far, but he’s never felt this mad before. No one has ever crossed a line like this. He’s not sure what to do with these emotions. He doesn’t know how he can be so angry and still want to be his friend so badly. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating.

“I am going to hang up...” Ajax says slowly, “before I say something to really hurt your feelings. Because I don’t want to hurt you like you just did me. No one deserves that.”

Kaeya refuses to respond out of pure spite. He listens to the call end, then drops the phone onto the pillow next to him. His skin is hot, his head hurts, and all he wants to do is cry.

Three o’clock rolls around. Kaeya is sitting at the very top of the stairs when the front door opens. Crepus enters first, looking a bit more at ease than he had in months. As soon as Kaeya sees Diluc, he races down the stairs, nearly tripping over his own legs to get to him. Diluc drops his back and meets him halfway, Bean hanging from a red lanyard around his neck.

“Luc!” He laughs as he pulls the other boy into a tight hug. “Hey!”

“Hi!” Diluc laughs, hugging him back just as tightly. “I missed you!”

Kaeya pulls away, holding his brother at arm’s length. “I missed you. How was it? Are you okay, did anything hurt? What’d they do?”

Diluc is still laughing when he shakes his head. It feels so good to see him happy again. “I’m fine. Nothing hurt and they just asked me a bunch of questions.”

He heaves a sigh of relief. “That’s good. Do you wanna stay in my room tonight? We could watch some movies. Dad said that the doctor says that your blood pressure shouldn’t get that high again and you should avoid stress.”

Diluc looks back at Crepus, who nods gently. “Yeah, we can do that.”

Kaeya turns his attention to Crepus. “Can we have spaghetti tonight? Diluc really likes the sauce you make for it.”

Crepus nods again. “Sure. I’ll run to the store to pick up the ingredients. Would you like some snacks as well?”

“Mango pineapple smoothie stuff!” Diluc grins.

“And fruity skewers!” Kaeya adds.

Crepus tosses his keys up into the air and catches them again. “I’ll be right back. Kaeya, anything that Diluc needs, you get for him, okay?”

“Got it! C’mon, get your bag and come to my room.”

While Diluc doubles back for his bag, Kaeya jogs up the stairs and to his room. He tosses the blankets off of his bed and pulls the big comforter, the one that Diluc loves, out of the closet to put on his bed. He turns the light off and turns the TV to scroll through the On Demand section for a good movie.

“I’m gonna unpack first, okay?!” Diluc calls from the hallway. “I want all my stuff put away nice!”

“Okay! Need some help?!”

“I gottt ittt! Thanks, though!”

Kaeya smiles to himself as he gets comfortable in the bed. Something starts to vibrate, and he feels around until he finds Crepus’s phone. Ajax is calling him back. His smile melts off of his face as he contemplates denying the call. The thought makes his heart twist painfully, so he sighs and answers. “Hello?”

“Hey…” Ajax’s voice is noticeably more tired and less aggressive. “I can’t stay on the phone long. Grounded, and all. I just wanted to say I’m sorry about all that stuff I said earlier. I didn’t realize how that would hurt your feelings and you’re the last person I wanna hurt.”

Kaeya folds his legs in and nods. “I’m really sorry for bringing up the stairs. That was mean and I should have never said that to you.”

“It’s okay. Just...please don’t ever do that again.”

“I won’t. Promise. But you have to promise me that whatever you have going on with Diluc, you can’t put me in the middle. You’re my best friend, but Diluc is my brother no matter what your dad says. I am not a safe place for you to talk crap about him or my dad.”

“Yeah, no, you’re right. I know he’s your brother. I wouldn’t like it if anyone talked shit to me about my siblings either. I can’t promise that I’ll be completely nice, but I won’t...I won’t make you choose sides or anything. I just really wanna keep being your friend.”

Despite his lingering worry for Diluc and how his fighting with Ajax will affect their futures, he allows himself to smile. “You are my friend. I’m not going to drop you just because of this one thing.”

To his surprise, Ajax starts to cry. “Ahh, thank you! I was so scared all day that you were gonna leave…”

“I’m not. Please don’t cry. But you need to get off of the phone. Don’t get in trouble because of me.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“Enjoy your weekend. I’ll see you Monday.”

Ajax chuckles and sniffs. “Thank you. See you Monday, Blue.”

 

---

 

Ajax stares at the ceiling with a frown, his fists planted firmly on his hips as he hums. “We’re a little taller now. You think we can get more stickers up there?”

Kaeya chews on his bottom lip as he copies another important note from Ajax’s binder into his. “Dunno. We should worry about this exam first.”

Next to him, the bed dips down. Kaeya peeks over to see Ajax standing in his bed. “I’m not worried about the test. The material is easy.”

Kaeya’s brows rise. “Geometry is easy to you?”

“Geometry is so fucking easy. It’s just numbers.” He starts to bounce until he’s in the air. There’s a soft thud above Kaeya’s head. “Oh yeah, I can totally reach that.”

Kaeya makes a noise. He really needs to finish copying these notes before dinner. He’s not sure if it’s because geometry is “just numbers” or if it’s because triangles make no sense at all to him, but he’s not doing well in this class and he needs to study. Ajax’s notes make a lot more sense than what he was able to write down in his own notebook when his brain was grinding to a halt and letting off smoke, so he wants to study these. 

“That’s nice, Ajax,” Kaeya mutters.

Ajax is silent for several long seconds. “Are you mad because you’re too short to reach it?”

Kaeya’s eyes widen as he throws his pencil down, head slowly turning towards the grinning ginger. He should be wearing his eyepatch, but ever since the lightbulb in his room was switched to a dimmer one, his eye doesn’t bother him so much. “Who said I couldn’t reach the ceiling?”

“I did. Just now. Because you can’t reach the ceiling.”

Kaeya shoves the stupid binder aside and forces himself to stand. “I can reach my own damn ceiling. Get the stickers.”

Ajax laughs as he hops off of the bed and pulls open the drawer. He rifles around until he finds the roll of stickers and tosses it to Kaeya. “Put one next to the old triangle, then.”

Frowning, Kaeya rips a sticker off of the roll, bends his knees to try out a few test bounces, and jumps. As he’d told him, his fingers make perfect contact with the ceiling, placing the star right where Ajax wanted. “Told you. You grow a couple of inches and you start thinking you’re special.”

Ajax rolls his eyes as he climbs back onto the bed. “I know I’m special.”

“Is that what Mommy tells you before she tucks you in at night?”

The taller boy’s jaw drops. “What?! That was mean!”

“No, mean is telling the teacher that I was bullying you so you can move your seat across the room just so yoi can pass me fucking love letters.”

His entire face goes red. “THEY WERE NOT LOVE LETTERS IT WAS SERIOUS BUSINESS!”

Kaeya hums as he hops off of the bed and walks over to the dresser. He pulls out a drawer, picks up a folded piece of paper, and unravels it. “Hey Blue, do you wanna sit outside again during lunch? Answer me back this time.”

But this doesn’t get the reaction Kaeya expects. Ajax, still standing tall on the bed, points at him with a wide smile. “I wrote that letter wayyy last semester. You keep my letters?”

Kaeya lowers the letter, hiding it half behind his back. Ajax wasn’t supposed to catch onto that. “No,” he lies too quickly. “Not usually. I wasn’t trying to–it got mixed up with the rest of my stuff that I just dumped in here and…” Ajax’s face tells him that he clearly doesn’t believe him. It makes Kaeya defensive. “This isn’t about me! You’re the one who–!”

A knock on the door steals their attention. Diluc walks inside of the room without being invited in. “Kae, dinner’s ready.” His eyes harden as they flick toward Ajax. “Dad said to send your pet monster home too.”

Glaring, Ajax walks over to the edge of the bed. “Pet fucking monster?!”

Diluc feigns confusion as he points to the door. He’s fighting a smile. “What’s the matter? That’s what he said. You can go ask him if you want.”

Kaeya stands up a little straighter as Ajax hops off of the bed and approaches his brother. The tension in the room is rising rapidly and he doesn’t know what to do.

“I asked him before you even got home if I could stay for dinner and he said it was fine. You just like to cause problems everywhere you go, don’t you?”

Diluc finally frowns. “Plans change, dumbass. He said you have to go home.”

“No he fucking didn’t–move out of the way. I’ll go ask him myself.”

The issue starts when Ajax tries to push him out of the way. Kaeya opens his mouth to tell him not to touch him, but his voice dies the moment Diluc shoves hard against his chest. “Don’t touch me!”

Kaeya freezes.

“Move out of the way and I wouldn’t have to touch you!”

“It’s my house! I can be wherever I want! You can’t fucking touch me!”

They start yelling at each other. Then the shoving starts. Somewhere in the middle of it, Diluc’s head hits the bedroom door with a loud thunk. Kaeya can see the moment when Ajax realizes he’d maybe gone too far, but the moment of regret is cut short by Diluc’s arm surging forward and slamming his fist into Ajax’s jaw. That’s when the fight starts.

He should be moving to stop this. Kaeya knows this. But he can’t get his legs to work. He stays pressed against the dresser, hand curled tightly around the knob as he watches a train wreck happen right in front of him.

Heavy footsteps approach the room. Kaeya flinches as Crepus charges in and rips the two bodies apart. One hand pushes Diluc hard against the door to get him away from Ajax while the other hand wraps around Ajax’s throat. He holds him at a distance, eyes blazing worse than Kaeya’s ever seen. “You lay another hand on my son and you will not make it back home,” he speaks slowly, carefully.

Ajax is stock still. Kaeya can’t see his expression from here, but he knows he’s afraid. Even Diluc is afraid. “H-He hit me first–”

“I don’t care what he did. Do not hit my son. Ever. ” It looks like it takes an incredible amount of strength for him to let go of Ajax’s throat. “Get your things and go home, Ajax.”

Ajax stumbles backwards. He pauses, as if he’s unsure what to do, then begins to gather his things. He leaves quietly, not looking up at any of them, and shuts the door behind him softly. Kaeya lets out a shuddering breath as he leans against the dresser. His entire body feels heavy and tired all of a sudden.

Crepus turns to Diluc. “I need to speak to Kaeya. Go to your room for now.”

Diluc leaves quickly. Kaeya sucks in several breaths as he plunges into an explanation. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know they were gonna fight, I swear, I’m sorry. I wanted to stop it but I couldn't…”

Crepus sits on the very edge of the bed and sighs, shaking his head slowly. He mutters something underneath his breath, then lifts his head. His eyes look tired. “I’m not angry with you, Kaeya. Come sit.”

Slowly, Kaeya crosses the room and sits stiffly next to him. Even if he hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong, it still feels like his fault. If he had just gotten between them or told them to stop, none of this would have happened.

Crepus sits up straighter. “I’m not angry with you,” he repeats, softer this time. “Diluc has a temper that I’m well aware of, and Ajax is just…one of those people who can push his buttons very easily. I know what that’s like. I had an Ajax of my own before and it was…an interesting time, to say the least.” He turns to face Kaeya. What’s going on between the two of them wasn’t and isn’t your fault. You know that, right?”

He nods, even if he doesn’t quite believe this yet.

“But I do want you to look after your brother for me. He needs a little extra support than everyone else, and I can’t be there to dictate his every move. There are things that I can tell him and he won’t listen to me because I’m the mean old man that’s trying to control him. But I think if it comes from you, someone he doesn’t see in some sort of…authority role over him, he might be more inclined to listen. I think you’d be better help to him than I can, because he values you and your opinion so much.”

Kaeya’s shoulders fall. He knows that Diluc cares a lot about him. It’s why he feels so useless when things like this happen. “I can try, but...”

“You won’t be doing it by yourself. I, obviously, will help where you cannot. But I believe you’ll be such a positive influence on him in the coming years. It’ll be like…being a little big brother to him. You can watch over him and make sure he’s okay whenever I’m not there. Keep him safe and on the right track.”

A little big brother? Would Diluc want that?

He nods slowly as Crepus’s words start to sink in. He thinks he can do that. If it’s for Diluc’s benefit, he can do anything.

“Okay. I’ll try to help him.”

Crepus gently pats his back. “Thank you. You’re a very good brother, you know. Diluc is very lucky to have you.”

If Crepus thinks so, then maybe he’s not doing as bad as he thought. Maybe he does belong in this family. He smiles and leans into the hug that Crepus hugs. “Thanks. But…Ajax. He’s not a bad person, I promise. Please don’t be mad at him.”

Crepus’s face hardens as he turns his head away. “It’ll take some time for me to not be angry with him. Fighting is usually my last straw, but Diluc is not blameless.” He tilts his head to the side and rolls his eyes. “If his father doesn’t forbid him from coming over because of the whole…” He gestures to his own throat, “I’ll let it go just this one time.”

Kaeya sighs. “That’s fair.”

“But if he hits Diluc again in my house–”

“I’ll take care of it,” Kaeya promises. “It won’t happen again.”

Crepus nods. “Alright. So long as you can control your pet monster.”

Kaeya’s eyes widen as a smile breaks out. “Diluc said you called him that! Did you actually?!”

He stands up from the bed and slips his hands into the deep pockets of his slacks, chuckling. “I can’t remember exactly what was said. It was such a long time ago.”

“Liar! That’s so mean!” he laughs.

“It was half affectionate,” Crepus says as he starts to leave the room. “Emphasis on affectionate. I know he’s not a bad kid. He’s just irritating like his father. And he follows you around like a lovesick puppy, so…”

Kaeya throws himself backward onto the bed. Is he trying to imply something? “Get out, Dad.”

Crepus laughs again as he leaves.

 

---

 

“Hello?”

“Hey. Do you remember the other day when we talked about Dio?”

“Uh, yeah? Is everything okay?”

“Well, no. He’s dead.”

“O-Oh, my god, are you okay?”

“That…is yet to be determined, haha! Say, are you busy? You wanna come down to the beach with me?”

“Like right now?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“...Sure. Let me get my shoes.”

That night at the beach with Ajax was the loudest and the longest Kaeya has ever heard anyone scream. The sound of his best friend’s grief still rings in his head to this day.

 

---

 

Kaeya’s head and heart haven’t felt this light in years. THC is a wonderful thing.

“Wow…” he croaks out as he looks up at the roof of the gazebo from the ground. He’s pretty sure he can't move his legs, but that's okay. He'd never want to walk away from this moment. “I never actually...took the time to sit down and appreciate how beautiful shit is.”

Beside him, Ajax takes another puff of the joint between his fingers. He might just be his favorite person outside of his family. “We could totally do this every day and I wouldn't be mad. Everything feels so serene.”

Kaeya shuts his eyes and smiles. “Let's smoke again tomorrow.”

“Yeah! Yeah, let's do that.”

The two teens sit in comfortable silence as the wind starts to pick up. Kaeya loves the way it feels on his skin. He loves existing in this little pocket of calm with one of the best people he's ever known, someone he's proud to call his best friend. When he's not fighting with Diluc, he's perfect. He's emotional, unlike the other boys in school, kind, possibly the funniest person Kaeya has ever met in all his seventeen years. He’s got this soft, curly hair that’s fun to run your fingers through and a smile that can light up any room. He always knows just how to make it better whenever Kaeya feels like shit. He’s never once let any of his secrets slip despite how scatterbrained he can be at times. There’s a certain charm to his forgetfulness that makes Kaeya feel...warm inside. He likes being the one that reminds him of his tasks just so he can see that glimmer of gratitude sparkle in his pretty eyes–

“I ever tell you that I'm bi?”

His eyes pop open at the sound of Ajax’s voice. He rolls his head over to see Ajax offering him the joint. He accepts it gratefully and takes another drag. “No. Are you really?”

“Mm…” He looks like he’s taking a moment to think. “Yeah.”

“Oh.” He blinks slowly, then decides to puff the joint again. “Me too, I think. Sort of.”

Ajax chuckles as he rolls over, letting all of his weight rest on his hip as he props his arm up on the seat of the bench. “You too, you think, sort of?”

“I haven't had the time to sit and think about stuff like that.”

Ajax gives him a weird look. “How? We have all the time in the world to do that.”

“We also have school.”

“So? I figured my shit out in the seventh grade.” He plucks the joint from between Kaeya’s fingers and takes a drag. “My first crush was on this kid back in Snezhnaya. I never told him so nothing ever came of it. I was way too scared of being bullied to ever...come out or anything. I think I just enjoyed liking him for a little while.” He takes another hit and blows it in Kaeya’s face. “You're the first person I've ever told.”

Kaeya pretends to frown as he waves the smoke away. “If you knew since then, why didn't you tell me?”

He shrugs. “I didn't want you to think less of me because of it. I was still getting used to Mond and the people. Didn't know if you guys were wildly homophobic or not.”

The blue haired teen throws his head back and laughs from his belly. “You thought people in the city of freedom were going to be homophobic?”

“Hey, I didn't know!” Ajax complains.

He wheezes, tears of mirth gathering in his eyes. “The pastor of the church has a husband!”

“I don’t fucking go to church, how was I supposed to know?!” His complaining tapers off into laughter. “You suck! I’m trying to have a moment with you and you're making me feel stupid.”

“You place second in our graduating class. If you feel stupid, that's your own fault,” Kaeya smirks.

“You're being so mean to me these days! What happened to the sweet boy that used to call my phone and stutter when he asked if we could go to the park together?”

His smile dims a bit as his heart skips a beat. “Maybe he died when you pushed me into the pool and nearly drowned me.”

“Oh, I did do that!” Ajax cackles. “I’m still so fucking sorry about that! I didn't know you couldn't swim!”

Kaeya rolls his eyes playfully, fighting against the heat that threatens to turn his cheeks different colors. “You never did teach me how to swim like you said you would.”

“I’ll get to it. It’s my top priority this summer.” He sits up a little straighter. “That's less important right now. What made you start thinking you might kind of sort of be gay?”

Kaeya’s smile dims as he sobers a little. For some reason, he can't bring himself to look at Ajax. “I don't know. Just...I know that I like girls. But I might also...get those same crush feelings around guys. Last year, the senior I was shadowing called me cutie pie and it made me happier than I wanted to admit,” he mumbles.

“Was it Arlen?”

He feels his cheeks heat up anyway. “It was…”

“Ah, Arlen was so cute. You’re so lucky! I would compliment him all the time, but he'd just laugh and say thank you. If he’d called me a cutie pie I would have dropped fucking dead.”

Kaeya hums as he thinks back to the interaction. Arlen was very cute, but he didn’t know Arlen personally. He never helped Arlen with his homework and got distracted by the freckles on his cheeks. He never ran home in the pouring rain with him because they missed the bus and Crepus wasn’t answering his phone. He was never struck with this nauseating wave of loneliness whenever Arlen said goodbye and hung up the phone for the night. And he’s never stood under the full weight of Arlen’s gaze and felt so pretty as he was reflected in excited, deep blue eyes.

“So bi?” Ajax inquires softly.

Kaeya shrugs gently. “I dunno. Like I said, I don't have the time to really think about it.”

“Oh my god, make time. Knowing who you are is important. You're going to want to do that before you get to college so you don't waste time trying to figure it out when you should be having fun.”

Kaeya groans. “And what am I supposed to do? Just decide one way or another? Poof, I’m gay? Welcome to my coming out party?”

Ajax snickers into his fist. “Come here.”

Kaeya tilts his head curiously. “What for?”

“Just come here!” he grins, patting the sliver of empty space between them. “This is gonna help you out a whole bunch.”

Confused, Kaeya uses his heavy arms to push himself closer. Ajax offers him the joint again and lets him take a drag. Before he can blow the smoke out, Ajax’s warm lips are on his. 

At first, he freezes. He's never kissed anyone before, and this fact embarrasses him more than the sudden kiss surprises him. His heart races as fear pounds behind his eyes like a heartbeat. Not because he hates this, not because he's not ready, but because he's terrified of disappointing Ajax with inexperience.

He lets Ajax lead, trying his best to mimic what he feels so that he can at least pretend to know what he's doing. He eventually finds a rhythm that feels good for him, and he melts into the feeling.

I like him, echoes inside of his empty skull. It feels like there's never been anything inside of there until Ajax came into his life. And now Ajax is all there is, seeping into newly formed crevices and settling comfortably into the tightest spaces.

Ajax pulls away, blowing smoke from his nostrils. Kaeya stares at him, completely stunned by the incredible experience. Ajax tugs on his sleeve and gently dabs the excess saliva from his chin. His touch is still as soft and gentle as ever. “How was that?”

He blinks rapidly, trying to form words through the shock and the high. His brow furrows as his heart hammers against his ribcage. “Wet…”

The ginger laughs behind his hand. “You have such a way with words.” He rolls his eyes and rolls his hand around on his wrist. “Was it good? Did you like it?”

Slowly, he nods. “Yeah. I did like it.”

Ajax pulls his hand away from his chin, his sleeve falling back into place as he offers his palm. “Welcome to the Boy Likers Club, bud.”

Chuckling, Kaeya gives in to the absurdity of it all and high fives him. 

Ajax goes on to talk about something else. Kaeya cannot stop staring at the way his still-shiny lips form words as he speaks.

 

---

 

Kaeya’s bottom lip catches between his teeth as he watches his father reach for his reading glasses and straighten the packet in his hand. He and Diluc had both taken a test that would determine whether or not they’d be accepted into FDFU, Fontaine’s most popular university. It’s the one place that everyone wants to go, even if they don’t have any concrete plans for undergrad or graduate programs. Diluc wants to go because he’s interested in the programs centered around mental health, as well as the classes that his degree requires. 

Kaeya wants to go because he doesn’t think he can stand being away from his father and his brother for four years.

“Let’s see,” Crepus mutters as his eyes scan the page. “Recommended score, 4.9…” His eyes light up as he looks up from the packet. “You scored a seven?”

Kaeya grins wide. He hadn’t even looked at the results himself. He wanted Crepus to be the first one to see. He shrugs gently and laughs. “I scored a seven.”

Crepus grunts softly as he stands up from his seat, his hand flying to the lower right of his back. His kidney area has been bothering him for quite a while and it's starting to get scary. He takes a moment to breathe before pulling Kaeya into a tight hug. “That’s my son! You scored a 7.3. An eight is the highest possible score you could make, and you were just a couple decimal points off. That is amazing. You have worked so hard.” He begins to flip through the pages of the packet to get to the physical test. “One of my colleagues who helped make the test said he threw in a trick question. Number eighty-six.”

Kaeya sighs. “Eighty-six was the one that I struggled with the most. I don’t know if it was the wording, but I struggled to do the math.”

Crepus grins down at the page. “You got it right.”

“What, really?” He moves to stand next to Crepus so that he can see. The space next to the question is blurry with half-erased lead markings and hastily scribbled numbers over lopsided dividers. “I did that problem over six times and got a different number each time. The last one was the only one that was a printed choice.”

Crepus used his pinky to point at his work. “I can see what you were maybe trying to do at first. You were trying to divide first instead of add. Doing that gets you a fraction once you get down here, which gives you impossible numbers. But you got it right once you switched the order around.”

“That’s funny. I would have never thought I’d get that right.” He smiles. “That’s cool. Thanks for staying up to study with me. I would have never scored this high without your help.”

“You already knew the material. All you needed to do was get out of your own head and–”

The sound of the door opening catches their attention. Crepus looks up, and his eye flies to the packet in Diluc’s hand. Kaeya immediately notices that Diluc looks extremely disappointed. “Hey, Luc…”

“H-Hey.” He tries to smile, but it looks painfully fake. His hand lifts rather lazily to show off the packet. “Test results.”

Crepus hands Kaeya’s packet back to him and extends his hand. “Let me see it.”

Diluc avoids his eye as the packet leaves his hand. Kaeya slowly moves to stand next to him, keeping his right leg positioned right in front of Diluc’s left one in case he needs to make an exit for some reason. Kaeya watches Crepus’s face fall as he reads. 

“7.9,” he says with a frown. “You could have done better.”

Kaeya sucks in a breath. “That’s almost an eight, Dad.”

“Almost is not an eight. He could have done better.” He licks his thumb and begins to flip through the pages. “I don’t doubt that it was a careless mistake he made because he was in a rush to finish before that boy. I have told you a thousand times that it does not matter if you are faster. You are naturally smarter than him, and that will lead you to success every time. But you just don't listen no matter what I do.”

That boy? “You mean Ajax?” Kaeya asks. “He didn’t take the test for Fontaine–”

“Yes he did,” Diluc says quietly.

He looks at Diluc, who won’t look back at him. Ajax told him that he wanted to go to a culinary school in Liyue. Why did he suddenly change his mind? When did he change his mind?

Nausea rises in his chest as he looks back to Crepus, who is reading again. “You didn’t get eighty-six right. You know better than this. The numbers you plugged in don’t make any sense at all. It’s like you just chose an answer just to choose it.”

Diluc tucks his hands behind his back. “It was hard to concentrate. I need complete silence when I’m working with numbers and Ajax was tapping his eraser against the table on purpose–”

“You cannot blame Ajax for your every failure. He is not standing over your shoulder and making decisions for you. Why didn’t you ask for some accommodation for the test?”

“If I had asked for those accommodations, they would have tested me separately from everyone else. I wanted to take the test like a normal person…”

Crepus hands the packet back to him. “Maybe if you had asked for accommodation, you wouldn't have brought me such disappointing results. I don't want to see this from you ever again.”

Diluc takes the packet back and holds it close to his chest. “I'm sorry for not paying closer attention to my work. I’ll do better in the future.”

Just as Kaeya notices Diluc’s warning squint, Crepus asks, “Are you getting another migraine?”

“I've had one since before the test began. I didn't eat because I was excited to test–”

“Diluc, you cannot do that!” Crepus groans. This is something Diluc has been told many times, but he still lets himself go hours without eating when he's worked up about something. “Go to your room. Kaeya, make sure he doesn't try to study anything in this state. I'm going to make him something to eat and get him one of his 800’s.”

Very few people know that Diluc suffers from chronic migraines. They don't happen frequently, but when they do happen, they're extremely debilitating if he doesn't take any medicine early enough.

Kaeya nods. “Okay. Just make him something light for now. Your back…”

He waves the idea away. “My back is fine. I'm managing it with Ibuprofen.”

“Didn't the doctor say you couldn’t take that?”

“The doctor is not the one in pain. I know what I'm doing.” When Kaeya doesn't budge, Crepus huffs and tries to smile. “I know what I’m doing. Right now, I need you to make sure your brother is okay. And Diluc?”

Diluc already has tears on his face. His migraine must be worsening by the second. “Yeah?”

“Make sure that you are actually resting. We’ll talk more about your packet when your head is feeling better.”

The two sons part from their father. Kaeya has to help Diluc up the stairs, but he doesn't mind. He's willing to do anything to make his life just a little bit easier. He half carries him into his room, helps him take off his shoes, and carefully tilts him over so that his head can rest on the cool pillow. He turns the light off, turns off the noisy fan, and crawls into bed behind him.

“You gotta start taking better care of yourself, Luc. School is not more important than your health.”

Diluc sniffs as he cradles his head with his arms. “I will do whatever I have to, to beat Ajax. Dad looked s-so happy during graduation. He looked so happy to see me at the very top of the class.”

“Then that's it, isn't it? You already won, Luc. Ajax ranked second.”

Diluc shakes his head. “I don’t win until Dad loves me again.”

Kaeya feels his breath leave him. What is he talking about? “Diluc, Dad loves you. You, probably more than anything in the whole world.”

“If he loved me, then he wouldn’t…” he takes a slow, shaky breath in, “be so disappointed in everything I do. E-Even when I’m trying my best. I’m trying my best and I still can’t make him love me.”

Kaeya buries his face into Diluc’s back as he wraps a strong arm around him. He never could stand to see Diluc cry, but to hear him say things like this breaks his heart. Even if it is just the depression lying to him, like his doctor said, it hurts to know that he could believe something like that.

“Stop crying,” he whispers as he hugs him tighter. “You’ll make your headache worse.”

 

---

 

“Kaeya, I love you, but you need to stand up.”

Kaeya’s world is fuzzy and slowly spinning, throwing his sense of balance off completely. He blinks, and suddenly he’s closer to the ground.

“Whoa, whoa! Kaeya!” The arms that are wrapped tightly around his stomach pull, and he gags as he nearly vomits up every drop of alcohol he’d been served throughout the night. “Come on, Blue. Stand up, please!”

“I’m tryinggg,” he pleads with him. There are pins and needles in his legs and each of his limbs feel like heavy jelly. Still, he tries his best to put weight on them. He hears Ajax grunt behind him as he tugs him through a doorway. He’s not sure where he is, but this place smells nice.

“Oh! My god? Is he okay?!”

Kaeya knows this voice. That’s Ajax’s roommate, so this must be Ajax’s apartment.

“Heyyy!” he waves, though he can’t pick his eyes up from the carpet to look at her. His head is too heavy. “You have told me sooo much about Ajax.” He points in the direction he heard the voice come from. “Roommate? Yabia.”

There’s a chuckle. “Yes, I’m Yabia.” He feels a gentle hand on top of his head, the world goes dark, and then feels his arm wrap around a body. “Come on. Let’s get you somewhere comfy.”

“Thank you, Miya…” Ajax says, sounding exhausted.

Two different bodies pull him at him. He blinks, and in the next second he’s being deposited onto a bed. He bounces with a groan, and then lets his face sink into a pillow. The surface is cool and comfortable against his hot skin. 

“Ajaxxxx.”

“Yea, Blue, I’m here.”

“Am I drunk?”

“Extremely.” Something drops onto the floor next to the bed. “There’s a bucket for you to throw up in, and you will throw up.”

His nose wrinkles. “Don’t wanna throw up.”

“That’s what happens when you drink too much. You throw up, and then your head hurts a lot in the morning.”

Kaeya groans and shakes his head. “Fuck. I feel nasty.”

“That happens.”

He opens his eyes just enough to see Ajax pulling his shirt over his head. He chokes on his spit and moves back on the bed. “Why–why are you undressing?!”

“Because you threw up on my shirt?” Kaeya blinks. This is something that Ajax should be angry about, but he’s not. He’s smiling and shrugging as if this is just a normal Tuesday night and Kaeya doesn’t understand it at all.

He shuts his eyes and sighs through his nose. “I don’t deserve you…”

“Don’t talk like that.” Ajax tosses the vomit-covered shirt into the hamper and reaches into the closet. Kaeya can’t see what it is from this angle. “You’re literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

The inebriated haired body full of colorful cocktails heaves a sigh, then chokes back another gag. “I’m mean to you.”

Ajax laughs. “It’s funny! Don’t you know I enjoy being bullied by you? It makes me feel like you love me.”

Almost in spite of the mental fog, Kaeya’s heart speeds up. “I do. I love you.”

“I love you too. Now, you stay there while I go wash the puke off. I’ll keep the door cracked and you can shout if you need me, okay?”

“Okayyyy.”

He blinks again. The sound of running water enters the room. It’s in his ears and all around him. It makes his already full bladder ache and his head swirl. Nausea creeps up the back of his throat and saliva pools into his mouth like a warning. He rolls over just in time to spot the bucket on the floor and drag it closer. His stomach lurches and empties what’s left inside.

By the time he’s finished, he’s half hanging off of the bed and coughing to clear his throat from the raw burning sensation. He sniffs, shakes his head, and drags himself back onto the bed.

A couple more blinks later, something solid is touching his lips. He jerks his head away, but a hand comes up to support his neck. “Drink. You just threw up twice in thirty minutes.”

Twice? How is he losing track of so much time.

He parts his lips to drink. The water is warm, but feels surprisingly good on his tongue. He gulps it down before the solid thing is pulled away from him.

“Easy. You’re gonna make yourself throw up again.” There’s a light tap somewhere to his left, and then the bed rocks. He gags and curls in on himself. The only thing that calms him is the warmth that wraps around him. 

“Ajax?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. I feel disgusting, but not with you here.”

“Aww,” Ajax laughs. Kaeya soon comes to realize that the warm thing traveling up and down his back is Ajax’s hand. He squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face further into what he now knows is his best friend’s chest. “I’m glad I’m here for your first time drunk, and what will be your first hangover. I wanna be there for all of your firsts.”

Kaeya relaxes at the sound of his voice. He could be convinced to fall asleep if he keeps whispering to him like this. 

“Next time, though, let’s try to mind our limits. Drinking is fun, but your liver and kidney don’t appreciate it much.”

“But you drank a lot.”

“I don’t do it often.” Ajax’s fingers are in his hair now. “I have a decent diet and a workout routine. And I have a high tolerance. I’ve been sipping at Screwdrivers since I was three. Vodka just goes down like water now.”

“Mm. Lucky. I can’t get myself to focus on working out.”

“It helps that I’m currently medicated. If you want, we can start working out together. I can put you on my membership for the really good gym across town.”

He nods. “Yeah. I wanna spend more time with you. Sober.”

“I definitely want to spend more time with you. I know classes suck already but…we can carve out time for each other just like we used to.”

Kaeya huffs. It’s only week five of freshman year and he feels like his brain is melting out of his ears. “Maybe you could help me study?”

“Love to. You’re doing cultural studies, right?”

“Mm-hm. But we’re starting with Folcalors and it’s just…not sticking for some reason.”

“I can help. I learned about Folcalors in the eleventh grade and it’s super interesting. She’s important to Fontaine’s history because–”

“Shhhh, shhhht.” He reaches up to squeeze Ajax’s arm. “Later.”

He giggles. “Sorry. I really like Fontaine and could talk about it for hours.”

“No, please.”

“I won’t,” he sings, pressing his lips to Kaeya’s forehead. “I won’t subject you to that while you feel like shit. Do you need some more water? Or a snack?”

He shakes his head. “Um…a blanket. Cold…”

Ajax crawls out of bed, leaving Kaeya feeling cold and empty. He blinks and suddenly he’s pressed up against a warm body again. The fuzzy material of the blanket rubs against his skin and makes him feel right at home.

“Anything else you need?”

Kaeya shifts his heavy head until he’s eye to eye with Ajax. This time when he blinks, time doesn’t slip away from him. The world gets just the slightest bit clearer, the slightest bit cozier. His face warms as he relaxes against the pillow. 

“Can you kiss me again?”

The words leave his lips before he can stop them. He holds his breath as he waits to be scolded, but that moment never comes. Ajax just laughs. “I can’t do that. You’re very drunk right now.” He tucks a strand of hair behind Kaeya’s ear. “Ask me again when you’re sober.”

“And you’ll do it?”

“If you want me to. If you ask me.”

He nods. “I will.”

“Then I will.”

When the morning comes, Kaeya pretends to have forgotten. He does not ask to be kissed. Ajax does not try to kiss him.

 

---

 

“I’m sorry, I didn't hear what you said?”

The blue haired young man is currently curled up in a fetal position underneath a pile of carefully selected comforters and blankets to hide from the light of day. If he’s going to tell anyone how he feels, it’s going to be his father. And if he’s going to tell his father, he would like to hide from god so that he doesn't have to answer for this when he dies.

“I said I think I’m going crazy,” Kaeya whispers into the phone. His voice is shaky, his skin is hot, and there are tears rolling across the bridge of his nose. “I-I feel like I’m about to die. Why does liking someone feel like I'm about to die?”

“Do you want the logical, scientific answer, or do you want a Dad Answer?”

He sniffs, feeling his own racing pulse even in the tip of his nose. “Dad Answer.”

“It's because romance is irrational and insane. That's part of the reason why it feels so good. When you really love someone...it’s like your entire soul is on fire, and you start to hope that it will keep your loved one warm on even the coldest of nights. It turns your head into mush and sometimes leaves you incapable of making good decisions. It changes you, and not all the time for the better. And then you're faced with the terrifying possibility that the person you care for may not care for you in the same way, and there's nothing you can do about it. It requires you to release control, and that's not an easy ask for us Ragnvindr men.”

Kaeya nods without thinking. His body even knows this is the truth. He becomes so uncomfortable in situations where his charisma, charm, or intimidation doesn't do what it's meant to do. He hates not being able to pull on certain strings to get the reaction or outcome that he wants. Ajax is the perfect example of someone who makes him feel uncomfortable. He makes him feel seen and see-through at the same time. He makes him feel needed. He irritates the butterflies that he never knew existed inside of him and sends them into a frenzy whenever their eyes meet. It makes him want to throw up.

“Thank you,” he chuckles softly. “I want to tell you who it is, but I'm afraid you'll be angry with me.”

“I won't be angry with you, love.” There’s a pause. “Unless it’s that lazy-eyed freak of a professor who tried to invite you to his cabin in the mountains alone with him last year–I should kill him–”

“No!” Kaeya quickly tells him. “God, no, not him. He was arrested anyway. They found some sick videos on his home computer.”

“Vile cretin,” Crepus hisses into the phone. “Ah, it’s not any of your professors, is it?”

“No, Dad, what do you think I'm doing out here?”

“I’m just making sure! I don't want to tell you to follow your heart if your heart is leading you to someone twice your age, or someone with a wife he keeps promising to leave, but never does.” Another, longer pause. “It is not your counselor, right?”

“No,” Kaeya frowns.

“T.A.? I know some of them are young but still. There's an uncomfortable power dynamic there and it's tied to your education–”

“This person is my friend and he's only older than me by a couple months. The only thing dangerous about him is his level of stupidity.”

“Ah. So you're quite into himbos.”

“DAD!”

Somehow, Crepus’s laughter calms him down from his panic. “I have no idea what that means! One of the student aids for my dialysis treatments likes to talk about her himbo fanfiction with me and she calls them stupid a lot. Was I right? Do you like himbos?”

“Oh my god, dad, it’s Ajax.”

This time Kaeya knows it's not a pause. Either his dad is shocked speechless or he’s so angry that he’s trying to choose his words carefully. We wets his lips and tries to defuse whatever is happening on the other side of this phone. “I-I know that's...probably a lot worse than being with a T.A.,” he tries to joke. “Me...having feelings for the son of the man you hate, the guy that has continuously hurt Diluc, but...well, maybe there isn’t a but. Maybe I'm crazy.”

Crepus sighs. “Ajax was your friend before he was anything to Diluc. He was...always courteous and respectful when he came to the house, even after the incident. The spat his father and I had did not bleed into your friendship at all. Similarly, what he has with Diluc has never once caused trouble for the two of you. I wholeheartedly believe that if you kept yourself from Ajax because Diluc didn't not like him, it would make him feel guilty. Possibly angry at you for not respecting your feelings. Diluc is so protective over you. He always calls me to make sure that you're okay whenever the two of you don't speak because he knows you tell me everything.”

Kaeya shuts his eyes. “He does that?”

“Yes. If there's anything in this world Diluc loves more than mango pineapple, than grape juice, it’s you. And he’s wanted you to be happy since the day we laid eyes on you. Does...Ajax make you happy?”

His lips start to tremble. He tries to laugh, but it sounds so much like a sob. “He makes me... so happy. I-I think I'm in love with him.”

“It is a beautiful, wonderful thing to be in love, son. Don’t cry…”

He thinks he wouldn't have if his dad wouldn't have said that. Fresh tears begin to pour as he quietly cries beneath the covers. It takes him quite a while to recover, but when he does, he feels embarrassed. “Please don't tell anyone yet. I want to tell Diluc myself.”

“It’s our secret.” He can hear the smile in Crepus’s voice and feel the warmth in his words. “I will take this to my grave for you. You have my word.”

 

---

 

It’s been about six hours and forty-five minutes since Crepus’s funeral. Diluc does not look okay.

Kaeya lingers a few steps behind as Diluc walks into his apartment, expecting the absolute worst. Though he thinks that they should be home in Mondstadt, Diluc insisted that they fly back to Fontaine, and he didn’t have the heart to tell him that he would’ve preferred to stay. He follows him into the kitchen and watches him fill a glass with water. He sips from the cup slowly, then empties it into the sink after drinking half of it. He places the cup upside down in the dish rack and moves towards the fridge. His fingers curl around the handle slowly, pause, and then pull the door open.

Kaeya hovers in the doorway, chewing on his bottom lip. He’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. “You should really lie down. I can get you some food. Whatever you want.”

“No,” Diluc says softly as he reaches inside the fridge. He rifles around in a bin until he finds what he’s looking for: a slice of cheese. He unwraps the plastic covering and tosses it into the trash, making sure to kick the door shut. “Just wanna enjoy some cheese. I can get that myself.”

Kaeya starts to hold his breath as Diluc leans against the counter. The cheese gets picked apart and eaten one small corner at a time. Diluc hasn’t eaten all day, That can’t possibly be filling for him.

“Do you need anything else? Should I call Jean?”

Diluc shakes his head, glazed eyes staring straight ahead. “Jean is out on a date. We shouldn’t disturb her with this.”

“You know as well as I do that Jean wouldn’t feel disturbed by this. She would want to help–”

“I said no. Let Jean enjoy her night.” He stuffs the last piece of cheese into his mouth and walks toward the doorway. Kaeya lets him pass, taking in an extra, nervous breath as the ticking bomb breezes past him. 

Diluc wanders deeper into the apartment. Kaeya follows him into his bedroom. The room is a mess, which is unusual for Diluc unless he’s in a fairly bad mental state. Diluc starts to pick up the clothes littering the floor and fold them. After a few seconds of contemplation, Kaeya steps inside and picks up a shirt. “Let me help with that. I still know how you like your shirts folded.”

“Yet somehow, you never get the corners right. Just put it down.”

He hesitates, but relents and sets the shit on the edge of the bed. Diluc makes sure it is the very next shirt that he picks up and folds. Kaeya holds his hands in front of his stomach, unsure of what to do with them now that he’s unable to fold. He looks around for something that he can clean or straighten, but the mess is overwhelming and he can’t think of where to start. “Okay…do you need me to…put your books back on the shelf?”

“I’ll do it myself when I’m done folding. There’s a very specific order that I like my books in.”

Right. Diluc has always been very particular about things like that. Kaeya sucks his teeth contemplatively as he moves toward the desk. “What about these papers?” He points. “I can straighten them for–”

“I need to go through those to see what’s important and what can be thrown away. Until I can do that, don’t touch them.”

His words die in his throat as he lets his hand fall to his side. There has to be something that he can do to help ease the burden or lighten the load. He can’t force Diluc to eat when he doesn’t want to, and he can’t mess with Diluc’s pre-existing systems of organization without setting him off. And Diluc doesn’t appear to be in the mood to talk. Kaeya is actually very surprised that Diluc can physically speak right now.

“I understand. Um…” What had Crepus told him to ask before? “How would you like to be helped?”

“I would not. You can go back to your apartment.”

Kaeya’s heart sinks. He knows better than to take this personally, but that doesn’t stop his heart from aching upon hearing the words. Diluc is only asking to be left alone. Had it been any other time, he would have done just that and trusted him to take care of himself. But their father just died a week ago. Leaving Diluc here all by himself doesn’t feel right.

Aside from that, Kaeya would just really like a hug right now. The reality of the situation hasn’t set in yet. He would like to be in someone’s arms when everything comes crashing down.

“I can’t, in good conscience, just…leave you here.”

“I am asking you to do exactly that. I’ll be fine. I’m not going to go jump into the river because I’m overcome with grief. I just want to clean my room. I can’t do that with you standing here hovering over me. Makes me anxious,” he mutters.

Kaeya frowns. “I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Luc. Dad just died–”

“You don’t think I know that my own father just fucking died?!” Diluc growls. There it is. Kaeya takes a step back, preparing himself just in case Diluc gets his hands on anything hard to throw. “I was there! I watched it happen! What does that have to do with you being in my space?! Breathing my fucking air when it already feels like I’m suffocating?! You are suffocating me!”

He swallows. The tightness in the back of his throat makes it a difficult task. When Diluc goes off, it could go a number of ways. He could have a verbal shutdown and cry, which may or may not lead to a panic attack, he could destroy the closest thing he can grab, or destroy the entire room in his fit of rage, he can turn that rage inward and resort to pulling his own hair, or he could take it out on whoever is unlucky enough to be nearby. Kaeya rolls his shoulders back and subtly plants his feet. If Diluc needs to get it out of his system, then he’s willing to be his punching bag for a while. Just as long as he’s getting it out.

“I could open the window for you–”

“I don’t need you to do that!” Diluc laughs humorlessly. It almost sounds deluded. “I don’t need you to do anything but leave! I have asked you to leave already and yet you’re still standing here?! Why?!”

His eyes begin to sting. He fights against it. “I’m only trying to help.”

“You’re achieving the opposite right now! I don’t–” He throws a pair of pants at Kaeya’s chest, then picks up a different article of clothing, “–feel helped! Your idea of help is treating me like I’m a five year old who needs to be taught table manners! The last thing I need is to be infantilized by you right now! Because that’s all you ever do when you’re around me!”

His lips part slightly. Is that what he’s been doing? Infantilizing him?

He averts his gaze. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I just think…” He takes a slow breath. “I just think that it would be better for us to be in the company of someone familiar while we grieve. Y-You know? We need each other.”

Diluc throws yet another pair of pants at him and stomps over to the bookshelf, tossing the books around in a way that’ll definitely damage them if he doesn’t stop. He’ll regret that when he comes out of this, but Kaeya knows better than to try to take them away or stop him. “If that is how you want to grieve then go find someone familiar to you! You don’t get to tell me how I grieve!”

“I wasn’t trying to do that–”

“You’re also not trying to piss me off, but you’re doing it!” Diluc whips around to glare at him. “Don’t you have friends?! A boyfriend?! A girlfriend?! Someone who gives a shit about you?! Go to them, and stop trying to force this warm family fantasy onto me when I don’t fucking WANT IT!”

Kaeya’s heart splinters and cracks more and more with every word. He does his best to keep the whirlwind of emotions off of his face and out of his voice. He takes another slow breath. “You don’t have to be a dick…”

Diluc tosses one of the heavier books onto the shelf and approaches Kaeya. He remains still, feeling a lot like prey underneath a predator’s gaze. “I do not want you here. I have no need for you. The longer you try to stand there and convince yourself that you can “optimism and positive thinking” your way into getting me to accept something that I am telling you I do not want, the more you are going to hurt your own feelings. Let me breathe. I need to grieve in my own way, in my own time. Find someone else to baby, because I refuse to be your fix-it project just so you can run away from your own fucked up feelings. That’s if you even have any. Not once since he’s been gone have I seen you shed even a single tear! Did you even fucking care about him at all?!”

He wasn’t trying to do that. He thinks. This is a lot to take on and a hell of a lot to process, but he’s not running from his feelings for once. He wants to feel this pain. He wants to grieve with the only family he has left in this world.

But, just like Kaeya’s biological father, Diluc is able to discard him as soon as his presence becomes inconvenient.

“I don’t know how much more clear I can be, other than to tell you to get the hell out.”

Slowly, Kaeya nods. He takes a step backwards and nods again. “Okay. I’ll...be around when you need me.”

“Don’t hold your breath. If I needed a heartless fucking shell of a person to try and comfort me to make himself feel better, I’d call Ajax.”

That is his limit. He can’t take any more.

Kaeya’s legs bring him out of the situation before the rest of him is able to catch up. Before he knows it, he’s sitting down in the driver’s seat of his car and closing the door. When he breathes in, he can still smell the sterilized hospital setting. In this too-silent car, he can still hear the flatline of Crepus’s machine echo inside of his head. When he blinks, he catches glimpses of the Crepus-shaped, blanket-covered body lying in the stiff hospital bed. Not moving. Not breathing.

He leans backwards in his seat as he pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket. His body starts to shake as he opens his contacts and calls the only person that feels like home right now.

“Helloooo?” a cheery voice sings into the phone.

Kaeya tries to breathe at the same time he attempts to swallow. It doesn’t work very well. “H-Hey. Can I come over, please?”

“What happened? I mean, yeah, of course, absolutely. Always. But what’s the matter?”

He sniffs. “I’m fine. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“O-Okay. Just…take a few deep breaths for me before you start driving, okay?”

Kaeya squeezes his eyes shut and nods. “I will.”

“Good. The door’s already open. See you in a little bit.”

When he hangs up, he drops his phone into the passenger’s seat and wipes his face. He takes several deep breaths just like he was told, and starts the car. His mind echoes with Diluc’s words as he drives. The way they cut against the still-fresh wounds of loss make it so much harder to breathe. He sucks in every breath as if it’s going to be his last, carefully maneuvering the car down each road until he arrives at Ajax’s complex.

He nearly stumbles as he gets out of the car and walks over to Ajax’s front door. The door opens before he can even raise his trembling fist to knock. Kaeya flinches at the mix of worry and horror on his best friend’s face. Having other people worry for him makes him feel like such a burden, and yet he can’t stop crying long enough to try and convince the people around him that he isn’t one.

“Kae…”

“Don’t,” his voice trembles as he walks past Ajax into the apartment. “Please don’t ask me if I’m okay. Don’t ask me if I need anything, o-or if there’s anything you can do to help because I’m fine.” He shrugs out of his tuxedo jacket and throws it on the arm of Ajax’s couch. He pulls his ponytail apart and pulls his hair into a bun that sits much higher on his head to get the strands off of the back of his neck because it is a sensory nightmare. He takes a moment to step out of his shoes, then makes his way to Ajax’s bedroom. The safest place he can be right now.

Ajax follows quietly behind him. “Sure.” He says it like he doesn’t believe him. “You’re okay.”

“I am,” he asserts, then sniffs. He’s having a harder time breathing. This is supposed to be his safe space, so why isn’t he feeling safe? “I just need to be away from everything right now.”

“I understand.” Ajax moves closer to the bed and slowly sits down on the edge. “So, we aren’t talking about it?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing to talk about.”

Ajax’s jaw moves in a way that shows he’s irritated. “Okay. Why don’t we lay down for a bit? That usually helps me–”

“I don’t need help!” he laughs almost maniacally. He feels like he’s losing his mind. Of course, that isn’t Ajax’s fault. Maybe he shouldn’t have come. Maybe he’s going to end up being a burden no matter where he goes or who he goes to see. “I’m okay! I just want to relax with my best friend!”

“Enough,” Ajax frowns. “You wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t want me to help you, so let me. But you have to help me out by telling me what’s wrong.”

Although mostly every part of him is screaming to not let him in, to not let Ajax that deep, he’s not sure he can keep that once airtight seal shut for much longer. The weight of his emotions is too heavy, too insistent on being witnessed by another person. His lips tremble as he leans forward, his forehead pressing against Ajax’s shoulder. “Dad…”

Ajax gasps quietly. “Shit, the funeral.” As if on instinct, Ajax reaches up to wrap his arms around him. It is the first hug he’d received since he’d gotten the news of Crepus’s rapidly declining health. He didn’t know just how much he had been needing this closeness and warmth until receiving it, and it becomes the thing that breaks him. His knees give out, and he collapses into Ajax’s embrace. The tears that he’d been fighting so hard to hold back finally pour down his cheeks as he clings to his friend. And it is such an unsatisfying cry. He’s still too embarrassed to let himself go. His sobs catch in the back of his throat as he grits his teeth, his breathing growing ragged as his grief is reduced to pathetic whimpers and moans. Crying does not help. Why can’t he stop?

“Come here.” Ajax helps Kaeya onto the bed and allows him to lie his head on the pillow. He holds him close as Kaeya continues to cry. Oddly enough, it is the smell of his cologne that collects all of the scrambled pieces of his brain and puts them back together again. He’s aware of the fact that some of them aren’t fitting together the way that they used to, and that some of them are even misfiring, but he remains grateful for even the smallest bit of relief.

“Why are you back so early? I would have thought you’d stay in Mondstadt for a while longer.”

Kaeya sniffs as he buries his face into Ajax’s chest. He smells fucking incredible. “Diluc wanted to come back. He…didn’t want to miss too much school.”

Ajax scoffs loudly. “Is this about the Valedictorian shit?” Kaeya nods. “Are you fucking kidding me? That is the least important thing right now. The fact that he can’t stop this shit long enough to grieve his own father, to make sure his brother is okay–he’s insufferable! That shouldn’t even matter!”

Kaeya squeezes his eyes shut. That was only part of the reason why Diluc wanted to come back early, but he doesn’t have the energy to explain Diluc’s point of view. He’ll tell him later.

“Beating him is going to feel so much more satisfying. Imagine your father fucking dying and all you care about is a stupid fucking title. He’s insane. You realize that is an insane thing to–”

“Please, stop…”

Ajax stops on a dime. He releases a long breath as he gently rubs Kaeya’s back. “I’m sorry. That is just…really upsetting to know. Your family should be your main source of comfort in times like these. I don’t…understand him. I don’t understand why I am the one holding you right now and not him. It feels selfish and self-centered of him.”

Kaeya swallows. “Because I want it to be you.” His hand tightens around Ajax’s shirt, and he breathes in more of his cologne. “Diluc…needs to grieve in his own way. And I need to grieve in mine. You’re the only safe place I have left.”

Ajax goes quiet for a moment. “You really think of me as safe?”

After a moment of hesitation, Kaeya pries his face away from Ajax’s chest and looks him in the eye. “I can’t think of anyone safer. You are consistently there for me when I want you. You…communicate with me even when you’re upset with me. You have done everything possible to keep our friendship alive when so many others have left and I’m… so grateful for you.” His voice breaks when he says this. “I really am. My life would be so much worse without you in it.”

Ajax’s cheeks turn red as he inches forward, letting their foreheads touch. “I think a lot about what my life would be like if I’d never met you. There are things that I have told you that I haven’t told anyone else, and you have never betrayed my trust in any way. You’re…mean as fuck–” Kaeya laughs. “–but I need that! I need someone who is as blunt and honest with me as you are. I need your perspective on…life and friendship and all kinds of things. I need you, exactly as you are. You have been such a huge part of my life for so long, and you’ve helped me in ways that I will never forget for the rest of my life. That’s why it hurts me when you don’t let me in. When you don’t let me help. I have to return every ounce of kindness that you have ever given me because I don’t think you realize just how incredible of a friend you are.”

Kaeya sniffs again as he reaches up to cup the side of Ajax’s face. He’s crying again, but he can’t tell if it’s from the grief or the way Ajax has chosen to see him. He feels like he doesn’t live up to the image that he’s described, but he’s so very flattered to be a person that matters to someone. To anyone. But especially to Ajax.

“I feel…like I haven’t been very kind to you lately. I’ve been shutting you out more and more because I don’t know how to let anyone carry this. I don’t know how to share my feelings the way that I used to. It’s like something is broken and I don’t…I really don’t know.”

“I feel like that’s normal. When you go through something traumatic like this, it changes you as a person. You’ve known that your dad was going to die for some time now, and it’s an entirely different thing to grieve someone who’s still alive. In the days before Dio’s…body was found I…h-he…”

Kaeya’s heart skips a beat. He remembers Ajax’s brother dying by suicide, and how bad off Ajax was after the fact. He remembers listening to him talk about how much his brother was pulling away from him, how much he worried for him and his mental state, how he felt like he should be doing more. And after his death…Ajax changed. He went from being the mischievous Snezhnaya transfer student to someone a lot more hollow. Kaeya has watched him try to fill the Dio sized hole in his heart with every thrill under the sun, but nothing ever seems right for it. The only thing that he keeps constantly going back to is his ongoing fight with Diluc, which is no doubt the work of his overbearing father.

He’s been calling Ajax insane for years now. If this is what he’s been feeling since Dio died, then he understands. It feels like he will never be himself again and it terrifies him.

Ajax clears his throat. “This isn’t about me, obviously. I think…I think maybe you just need to hear that grief doesn’t last forever. But it also doesn’t exist on some linear line where you hit each stage at a set time, and then you get over it. It is big and overwhelming and suffocating. It’s scary and isolating. But the worst thing you can do is not share the burden. That’s what the people who care about you are here for. That’s what I’m here for. You understand that, right?”

He nods, though the gesture feels empty. “I do.”

“And you know that I will do anything for you. I refuse to let you go through this alone. If you trust me to be your safe space, I will do everything in my power to make sure that you always feel that way. You are so safe with me, Kaeya. Forever. I really mean that.”

Kaeya sighs softly and shuts his eyes. All of his protective layers are being peeled back right in front of someone and it feels strange. He can feel layers of white meat sticking to the barrier as it’s being ripped away from his most vulnerable parts. Having the very core of his being exposed to the light of day feels like he’s being boiled alive and he cannot stand it. He would rather feel anything else in the world.

When he opens his eyes again, he’s met with the prettiest shade of blue. The safest shade of blue. And he starts to ache for him. His breath hitches with his next inhale, and his dry lips part painfully. “I need to ask you something crazy. Please don’t say yes because you think it will hurt me if you say no.”

Ajax’s face grows serious as he nods. “Ask me.”

He takes another breath. “Can I kiss you?”

Those pretty blue eyes light up with what looks like relief. “That’s not insane at all,” Ajax smiles. “Sure.”

Kaeya blinks. “You really don’t mind?”

“I told you I would do anything for you. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”

A single sob escapes from between his lips as Ajax brings his mouth to his. It quiets his mind, but jump starts his heart just like their first kiss. Slowly, his body stops shaking as he begins to feel present again. 

Somewhere in the middle of their kissing, Kaeya’s hand finds one of Ajax’s belt loops and pulls. He doesn’t realize it until it’s already been done, but Ajax doesn’t seem to mind. He allows himself to be pulled closer. He lets Kaeya take the lead and doesn’t object in any way. It feels impossible. It feels amazing.

“Do you want more than just this?” Ajax whispers against his lips.

He nods desperately. “I really do…”

“Okay.” His tone is so flippant. So… okay with this in a way that Kaeya does not expect. It almost feels like a dream. 

He pays attention to the way that Ajax genuinely lets him do whatever he wants. He checks in every now and again to make sure that Kaeya is okay, that he’s enjoying himself. He even asks for permission every time he touches him somewhere new. More tears trickle down his cheeks as he realizes this is the first time anyone has been so careful with him. And then he chuckles when he realizes that this is his first time ever. 

His first time with his very first love. It’s something that he will never forget.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. How could I not?”

 

---

 

Kaeya has always been a nervous sipper. It has been a while since he’s felt this uncomfortable, especially around someone he trusts so much, but he has no clue how to start this conversation or what to do with his hands other than to wrap them around his hot chocolate and sip the piping hot drink through the straw in hopes that it will unfreeze his tongue.

It doesn’t. It just burns his throat. His rigid posture gives way to a shudder, followed by a small shake of his head as he quickly swallows down the burning discomfort. It is only slightly more tolerable than the way his heart pounds against the walls of his chest.

Across from him, Jean tilts her head. “Is it right to assume that your current problem is about Diluc? I can tell you he hasn’t said anything bad about you.”

“No,” he says softly, finally looking up from his drink. It’s not enough to keep Jean in his peripheral vision. He needs to look someone in the eye and say it. First, he has to take a deep breath because it feels like he’s suffocating. “I have feelings for someone.”

Jean’s worried expression turns into one of pure delight. The bottom of her paper cup claps loudly against the table as she leans forward and tucks both of her legs underneath her. “Are you serious?”

He nods. This is the first time he’s ever felt good about this crush, and the first time he’s allowed himself to think about it since the day of the funeral. “I am.”

Jean makes a happy little noise behind her hands, then fans her already watery eyes. “Oh wow, I’m already getting emotional. You like someone! Are you comfortable with telling me who it is?”

“N-No. I’m not even sure that I’m going to tell this person how I feel.” Again. He tried to do so before, but he’s now certain that Ajax thinks these feelings are only platonic. He’s been too scared to correct him. “There’s a lot about the situation that makes this complicated. One of those things being that I…struggle to open up to him these days. Every time I start to, I freeze up and change the subject.” He props his elbow up on the table and rests his cheek against his hand. “He says the kindest things to me, and my mouth shoots out an insult. If it looks like he’s flirting with me, I bat the attempt away.”

“Okay, but how complicated is the situation? Is he seeing someone else, or hoping to?”

“Not that I know of. He’s…occupied with other things. I don’t even think he’s looking for anything romantic with anyone at the moment.”

“Is it someone another friend was previously involved with?”

“No.” He goes to take another sip of the hot chocolate, but remembers the burn and puts the cup back in its place. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that the situation is complicated. Neither of us are seeing anyone else, and I consider us to be quite close. The issue is that he’s extremely busy and forgetful these days, and I don’t have confidence in my ability to be there for either of us emotionally. My idea of dealing with things is to find something else to do until I don’t feel so overwhelmed by it. He’s the type of person who will instinctually lie when confronted by something and that makes me uncomfortable.”

“Oh,” Jean frowns. “I see how that can be problematic, liking someone that you’re not really compatible with.”

“Exactly. We’re very good friends. The part of me that knows him and knows myself understands that it is probably best for the two of us to remain friends for the time being. At least until one of us is better about these things.” His finger starts to trace the edge of his cup. “But when we’re together, and he makes a stupid joke with that goofy ass smile on his face and laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world I-I can’t help but feel…”

For a while, Kaeya grapples with words that feel too serious, too heavy, too corny. All things that his father had told him he would feel when falling in love, and yet those feelings still feel so uncomfortable and unnatural in his body. It makes him want to stand up and leave the conversation that he’d started in the first place. He sighs and shrugs, once again attempting the nonchalant route. This is hard to do when he feels everything so very deeply. “I can’t help but feel when I’m with him. It’s disgusting.”

The blonde chuckles. “I can’t say I’m surprised by your reaction to having a crush. Can I say something that I’ve observed about you?”

His brows rise in interest. “Go ahead.”

“A lot of your feelings about life and love…changed after Crepus died. Not necessarily for the worse, but I notice that a lot of the hope and optimism you had before seems to have been buried with him. Is this someone that you liked before his death?”

He pressed his lips together as he contemplates his answer. If Jean’s still as sharp as she’s always been, which he doesn’t doubt, then she already has a few ideas of who he’s talking about. Truthfully, there’s only one person that he could be talking about if he says, “Yes.”

She tries to hide a knowing smile. She knows. He takes in an extra breath as he tries to ignore this. “Then perhaps this person’s tie to this situation has changed how you might view a potential relationship. I think it’d be worth it to try to reconnect with the version of you that fell for him in the first place, and pause the version of you that is trying to convince yourself that it won’t work. You are phenomenal at creating your own sorrow and then telling yourself that you predicted that outcome.”

He smiles. The truth is painful, but it isn’t anything that he didn’t already know about himself. “Yikes, Jeanie. You never hold back in these kinds of conversations.”

“You wouldn’t like it if I did,” she smiles. “You and Diluc like me because I’m so honest with you.”

Kaeya pouts. “We like you for other reasons too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! Like um…” He pretends to think, even reaches up to scratch his scalp. “I’m sure there’s something in our history that allows us to put up with you.”

He is hit in the face with a thick stack of napkins. He flinches backwards, laughing as they spill all over the table and his lap.

“This is what years of unending kindness gets me. I need to learn the art of revenge from Eula just for you.”

“And I’d deserve it,” he chuckles. “We terrorize you so often, and I wish I could be sorry about it. But that’s what happens when you randomly adopt two twin terrors.”

Jean leans back in her seat and sighs, a wide smile on her face. “I still remember when the teachers used to call you and Diluc that. Did I ever tell you that Mrs. Evergreen pulled me into the hallway and told me she was moving my seat to your table in hopes that I would influence you two to behave?”

“Terrible idea. I’ve always played chess when these teachers were playing checkers. I can befriend anyone and make them just as much of a terror.”

Jean begins to look nostalgic as she picks up her cup again. “I have always loved being a terror with you. And, sure, we’ve changed a lot since we started college. I understand that we’re supposed to. Growing up is…strange. I just want to go back to the times where school wasn’t as stressful, and the threat of the real world still felt so far away, even on graduation day.”

Kaeya nods. Despite feeling like he’s had to grow up a lot faster than the people around him, he still yearns for the days of smoking weed on the gazebo and actually being able to relax during the summer months. “I hear you.”

Jean takes a small sip of her drink. “I do hope that you find who that person was again. The Kaeya who wasn’t so afraid to feel. I hope that version of you is able to tell him how you feel.”

This time, Kaeya does not respond. He’s not sure that person exists anymore. And if Crepus’s death has taught him anything, it’s that chasing after things that have long since died just leads to a deeper hurt than living through that death.

He sips at his hot chocolate. It’s still piping hot.

 

---

 

A bright light on the other side of Kaeya’s aching eyelids is what drags him back to consciousness. He inhales deeply through his nose and rolls further onto his stomach, pressing his face deep into the cooler side of the pillow. This pillow doesn’t smell like his shampoo, nor does it smell like Ajax’s apartment. He stops for a second, eyes remaining shut as he gives the pillowcase another sniff. Not Jean’s pillow, definitely not Diluc’s pillow either. Who does this belong to, and where is he?

His hand slides over the sheets to search the other side of the bed. It’s occupied. He recoils at the discovery of unfamiliar skin. His heart picks up speed at the sound of a sigh. This voice is deeper than anyone he currently knows and that scares him.

Kaeya sucks in a breath and pushes himself up. Burning eyes squint through the light as they try to make sense of his surroundings. Trying to see through the blur of his right eye causes him physical pain, so he’s forced to shut it for now. Slowly, his left eye adjusts to see a shirtless brunet lying on his back and smiling up at him.

“You’re finally awake. Good morning.”

He has no idea who this man is. He’s never seen him before.

No…he’s seen him. He talked with him a little bit at the party last night. The man’s name escapes him, but he remembers laughing a lot. Flirting, even. It was only meant to be banter, but…

“We slept together,” Kaeya blurts, ignoring the greeting.

“Yes…” the man says slowly. “We did. Is that a problem?”

Kaeya lets out a shuddering breath as he slowly climbs out of bed. The cold air is like torture on his bare skin, and he is as bare as the day he was born. “I have no idea who you are…” he mumbles, reaching down with shaking hands to search the floor for his clothing. “I can barely remember the night, and I have no clue…who—who you are.”

“We didn’t tell each other our names, if that makes you feel any better,” Mystery Man says quietly. And no, that information doesn’t help him at all. “You told me I had to earn it.”

His stomach turns. He would have never said that to anyone in his sober mind. Usually, he can remember. Normally, he still has control of himself and who he gets involved with when there’s liquor in his system. But yesterday, Ajax texted him I love you out of the blue and his heart hurt so much that he couldn’t take it. He was only trying to drink enough to forget Ajax. Not the entire night.

The man’s face grows concerned as he sits up straighter. “I’m sorry if I overstepped. I truly thought that you wanted it and I—”

“No.” Kaeya shakes his head as he finds his boxers and pulls them back on. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just—I don’t like that I can’t remember. I don’t like this huge black spot in my memory. I can remember everything that has ever happened to me but this and I—”

“Whoa, whoa, dude? Breathe. Everything’s chill, right?” 

He doesn’t realize that he’s lost control of his breath until the next out breath is a sob. His chest hurts, his head hurts, his right eye hurts, and now he can’t breathe. “I am so sorry.” He quickly tugs on his pants and snatches his shirt off of the ground. “I’m so sorry, I need to get out of here.”

The stranger calls out to him with something about driving but he doesn’t hear him. He’s struggling to get his shirt over his head and trying to pull on his shoes at the same time. Thankfully, his car keys are still attached to his belt loop. It makes it easier to find his car amongst the many parked next to the curb.

Driving home is a feat, even with the darkest pair of shades covering his eyes and the sun visor pulled down. His hands are shaking as the vaguest memory of a pair of hands comes back to him. He can’t tell if his brain is trying to recall Ajax’s hands or the stranger’s. His stomach is turning and his head is pounding. He feels like he’s falling apart.

His car is parked haphazardly in the space. Kaeya rushes to the front door to unlock it, then dashes to the bathroom. He barely makes it to the toilet before his stomach forces itself empty. His knees hit the ground hard as he buries his face into the bowl for the next two minutes.

This is starting to become a problem. The partying, the drinking, Ajax, not being able to go to Diluc about any of it.

The only thing he wants right now is his brother, and he won’t even speak to him.

 

---

 

You can just come inside when you get here. The door will be unlocked.

Kaeya has read the text twenty times by now, and one extra just to be sure. His grip on his phone tightens as he twists the knob and pushes the door open. He’s slow to step inside but quick to notice the lit candles on the table, the ones Diluc’s lease specifically says he isn’t supposed to have. Kaeya slips inside before anyone can “accidentally” see and shuts the door behind him.

A head pokes out from one of the doorways. To his relief, it’s just Jean. Her face lights up when she sees him, and she jogs out of the room to give him the tightest hug.

“I was so scared I’d never see you in this apartment again,” she whispers, rocking him back and forth.

“Me too,” he tells her, gently patting her lower back before separating from her. “We’re going to talk it out today. Hopefully, it goes well.”

“It will. Diluc misses you. He’s…honestly, he hasn’t reached out because he’s been embarrassed. When you asked to talk to him, he looked so relieved.”

“Really?”

Jean nods excitedly. “I promise. You have nothing to worry about. I am going to make myself scarce while you two do your thing. Do you want breakfast? Do you want tiramisu?”

“...Are you making the tiramisu or buying it?”

“I’m making it myself.”

Kaeya’s eyes narrow. “I think I’ll pass. Your tiramisu makes me want to kill myself.”

She throws her hands up and drops them. “Okay?! Thanks for being honest?”

“You’re welcome!” he smiles. “If you’re making bacon, though, I’ll have some of that.”

“I don’t even think I want to give you any. You come into my home, you insult my tiramisu…”

Kaeya stops paying attention when he sees a head of red peek into the living room. Jean notices and glances over her shoulder. “Bacon it is. I’ll be in the kitchen while you two do whatever it is Ragnvindrs do.”

Kaeya nods. He’s already fighting the urge to chew on the inside of his cheek as he walks toward the hall. Diluc walks toward him, though his steps are far more cautious than his. Kaeya can only stuff his hands into his pockets and pretend that he isn’t about to tremble apart right in front of him.

It’s been so long since he’s seen him in person, let alone spoken to him. They feel like strangers now.

Diluc pushes his hair behind his ears, then holds his hands close to his chest. “I don’t want to waste your time…trying to explain myself out of what I did. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and I missed you.”

He’s missed him too, but that’s not good enough. He needs a little more than that before he can let himself forgive him.

“Okay.”

Diluc averts his gaze. Eye contact has always been hard for him. Kaeya isn’t going to be yet another person to accuse him of insincerity because he’s struggling. He knows that Diluc means it. He just needs to hear more than I’m sorry.

“What I said to you was wrong and I have no real excuse for it. I could have and should have found a better way to say I just wanted to be left alone. What happened, happened because I hadn’t been taking good care of myself for a while. I snapped, and I will never speak to you like that again.”

Kaeya sighs through his nose. “What you said hurt, but that’s not what my problem with you is.” He shifts his weight to the other hip. “At the literal worst time in our lives, all I wanted was to be with you, and you forced me away. There’s a difference between needing some time alone to process what you’re feeling and what you did. You could have reached out any time after you calmed down and you didn’t. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“I understand. If I was on the receiving end of that, I wouldn't have liked it either. I know that I hurt you and I am so sorry.” To his surprise, Diluc looks up to meet his eye. “I am so so sorry.”

He nods slowly. Diluc looks and sounds genuinely apologetic. So what’s stopping him from telling him that he forgives him? Why doesn’t he feel sorry for him the way he usually does?

The tension settles into his muscles as he glances away. “I hear you. I think…I’m going to need some time. I’m not saying I don’t want to be around. I just…it still hurts. Even looking at you just hurts right now.”

Diluc visibly swallows. “I understand. Whatever it takes for us to be brothers again…we can do that.”

Kaeya shakes his head. His hands drag out of his pockets as he steps forward and wraps his arms around him. “We never stopped being brothers, and we’ll never stop being that. I just think I need to step back. I don’t want to suffocate you. I’d rather worry about you from a distance than to…go through that again.”

Diluc nods against his shoulder. “That’s fine. But if you need something, you’ll come to me, right? You’ll let me help you?”

“Yeah.” The lie slips out before he can choke it back. “Yeah, I will.”

Something in him heals when Diluc wraps his arms around him. “Is it too soon to ask you to stay the night with me and Jean?”

He smiles. “Nah. I’ve actually been wanting to show you guys this movie. You wanna watch it with me?”

Diluc’s eyes light up as he pulls back from the hug. “Tonight?”

“Yes, tonight.”

He laughs. “Yes!”

Later, after Diluc as fallen asleep with his head in Kaeya’s lap, Kaeya slips his phone out of his jacket pocket and calls a familiar number.

“Hello?! Are you okay?!”

Kaeya’s brow furrows at the unusual greeting. “What? I’m fine, what are you talking about?”

Ajax sighs. “You never call me after midnight unless something’s wrong.”

He pulls his phone away from his ear to check the time. It’s one in the morning. He has mixed feelings about this. Spending time with Diluc again had been so fun, but he still doesn’t know what to do with these hurt feelings. It doesn’t hurt when they’re laughing together. So, should they just keep laughing together? Or should he actually step back after today like he said he needed to?

“Nothing’s wrong,” he says softly, rubbing a snoring Diluc’s arm. “Luc and I are talking again. I know you guys hate each other, but I wanted to tell someone I cared about that…I have my brother back.”

“Oh,” Ajax says. To Kaeya’s surprise, he sounds pleased. “That’s so good, Blue! Did you guys talk it out and everything?”

He blinks. “We did. Diluc apologized and we spent the day together with Jean. Most of it with Jean. She tapped out at around nine.”

He hears Ajax laughs. “From what you tell me, she really doesn’t kid around with her sleep routine. But I’m happy to hear it. You deserved that apology.”

“Yeah…”

“Youuu okay?”

“Yeah? I just…I didn’t expect you to sound so happy about this considering the subject matter.”

“Kae, I’m always going to be happy about the things that make you happy. Besides, I can read the room. Despite how I feel about your stupid ass brother–”

“There it is.”

“–I understand that you don’t wanna hear a bunch of bullshit about him right now. You’re trying to share something important with me and I want to share this happy moment with you.”

Kaeya’s heart warms as he spends a moment with these words. His head tilts as he looks down at the redhead sleeping peacefully. He would wake him up so that he can get some studying done before class tomorrow, but he looked so tired earlier. How much sleep has he lost since they’ve been apart? 

“Do you think it was right for me to stay away for so long? What he said and did was fucked up for sure, but…he jusg needed to get that out of his system. I knew that. Maybe if I had just let him yell at me for a while, he would have felt better. Then I could have been around to watch over him.”

“No,” Ajax tells him, his voice suddenly more serious. “That’s not fair. You don’t have to endure something that hurts in hopes that it’ll benefit the person you love. That goes for family, friends, anybody. You did the right thing by stepping away.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. I was…” Kind of falling apart without him. “Unsure of my decision for a while.”

Ajax sighs loudly. “I want, so badly, for you to care about you  the way you care about other people. Being loved by you is such an experience and it’s something that you deserve to feel too.”

Kaeya’s throat tightens, a painful lump forming where air should be flowing. He doesn’t want to hear this right now. “I see the psych classes are working out for you.”

This, for some reason, makes Ajax laugh. “You sound like Miya.”

He sees a way out of this conversation and dives for it. “How is she?”

“Oh, she’s great! Miya is in the fast track to becoming my best friend. She’s great! I love her so much.”

“I thought I was your best friend,” Kaeya teases.

“You got demoted after you wrote my number in that stall.”

“You told me to!” Kaeya hisses out a laugh, hoping not to wake Diluc. “You looked me in my eye and you dared me. What was I supposed to do?”

“Maybe not listen to a drunk man! Now I got people calling me asking me if my hole is really free on Tuesdays and Thursdays!”

“Is it?”

“I–! Oooh, you’re a sick man!”

Kaeya stifles his laughter with his hand. He’d been trying to avoid getting tears in his eyes, but it seems to be unavoidable tonight. “If it helps, I’m sorry.”

Ajax hums. “Your apology is being processed. You will be notified of a promotion in friendship within two to three business weeks.”

Kaeya grins. “The fuck is a business week?”

“Whatever I damn well decide. I’m the affected party, so I get to make the rules here.” He pauses and takes a breath. “In fact, it looks like the processing has just finished.”

“Oh yeah? And what has the council decided?”

Ajax chuckles. “The council has decided that you are the most important thing in my life right now. There's no better friend than you.”

Kaeya’s smile dims. The word friend is starting to sting a bit.

---

 

“I have great news.”

Kaeya hums as he turns a little in his seat to face Diluc. He’s got that wild look in his eye again and it worries him. 

“So your meeting went well?” Jean asks slowly.

Diluc shakes his head, grinning like a kid let loose in a candy store. “No, it was terrible! He told me Ajax got ahead of me and there’s basically nothing I can do to get my spot back before the end of the next semester!”

Jean’s mouth opens to form a response, but only an incredulous stutter comes out. She shoots Kaeya a quick look of concern and he’s relieved to know that he’s not the only one worried. Whenever Ajax gets involved in anything, Diluc tends to go off the rails. “I’m sorry, how...is this good news?”

Diluc’s body turns robotically. He’s almost comically stiff, like even he’s trying to contain his own craziness. “It isn’t, because that’s not the good news. I walked out of the meeting absolutely pissed, livid, several other synonyms—it’s hard to think right now.” He leans closer, white knuckling Kaeya’s headrest. “Guess who stops me and asks to be friends.”

“Ajax?”

Just as Kaeya goes to take a sip of his drink, Diluc throws his fist into the back of Kaeya’s headrest so hard that it knocks him forward. He chokes on his drink. “Yes! He’s so full of shit but it works out for me. All I have to do is distract him from studying for an entire semester. His grades suffer, mine stay consistent, and then I finally win!”

Kaeya, still coughing from deep within his chest, covers his mouth with the back of his wrist. Very Berry Blast smoothies burn when you inhale a little bit of them. Great to know. “That’s great. I support you.”

“Kaeya, no. Diluc, I can’t support this. What if Ajax actually wants to be your friend?”

Jean was always the better of the two of them. Her ability to be involved and remain a source of righteousness in every situation, even when she’s being done wrong, is something that he’s always admired. It’s something that he could never quite emulate.

Diluc blinks slowly, glances at him, then blinks again. “We’re talking about the same man who once ate my doctor’s excuse so that I couldn’t return to my classes. He didn’t just shove the paper in his mouth, he swallowed it.”

He remembers Ajax telling him about this. He was so proud of himself, until he started having stomach issues and rushed himself to the hospital because he thought he gave himself ink poisoning. Turns out it was just regular old diarrhea.

Kaeya pulls his seatbelt off and turns more in his seat. He’s said so many times that he wouldn’t get involved, but sometimes Diluc forgets that he also provokes Ajax just as much. “To be fair, you did peg the guy in the back of the head with a bottle of lube to keep him from signing up for a class he needed.”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant to this conversation.” 

He’s being serious. Diluc does not see the correlation.

“It’s relevant because you both lose your minds when you’re near each other,” Jean explains softly. “I think it’s entirely possible that he’s realized that and is just tired of the back and forth. I’m speaking objectively because I’ve never properly spent time with him, but is it really that hard to believe that he could have a change of heart?”

Kaeya shakes his head hard. If she had spent time with him over the years like he had, she would know exactly what he’s capable of. “Jeanie, I adore your endless optimism but I have to disagree. I’m friends with the man and I can confirm he’s full of shit sometimes. It’s why we’re friends.”

Ajax was the one who taught him how to lie. Ajax was the one who taught him to be a little more reckless, to live a more exciting life than he was living. A guy like that doesn’t just calm down out of nowhere.

“Exactly. You’re an excellent judge of character so you would know it the second you saw him. He never means anything he says,” Diluc frowns.

“Yes, but you yourself have a tendency to exaggerate and judge both people and situations prematurely. You’re…”

Kaeya chuckles. Diluc hates the ugly truths about himself, but he has to be honest where Jean tries so hard to be kind. “Dramatic?” 

Jean grimaces. “Ehh, I was going to say emotional but that felt cruel.”

Diluc’s jaw drops, a noise of offense filling the car. “I can accept being called emotional, but dramatic is a bit far! I am the leasttt dramatic one in this car right now!”

The laughter bubbles up out of his throat before he can stop it. He happens to catch a glimpse of Jean as he goes to speak, but the funny spreads to her before he can get the words out. It helps that Jean has the most adorable, contagious laugh. They’re reduced to wheezing and tears in the span of sixty seconds.

“Please,” Jean begs sincerely as the giggles die down. “Please. For the sake of all our sanity, just give him an honest chance. I’m willing to bet that it was a genuine proposal and he’s gushing about your potential friendship to a friend right now.”

“No, FUCK. HIM.” Diluc throws himself down in the backseat. “I’m going to win if it’s the last thing I do!”

Kaeya shrugs. “Welp, we tried.”

“Kaeya…” Jean frowns.

“He’ll calm down eventually. My hands are tied.” He puts the car in drive and backs out of the parking spot. 

He’s already aware that this has gone past cute little pep talks and rationalization. Diluc and Ajax are going to have one final blowout, and then it’ll all be over. He’s already prepared himself to console the loser at the end of the year.

 

---

 

“And then when I was talking to him, he cut me off to say something about Thoma. Good or bad, every time we talk now, I have to hear something about tHoMa. Thoma this, Thoma that! Do you know how frustrating it is to have conversations with someone and all they do is talk about someone fucking else?!”

Kaeya keeps his eyes on the closed captioning on his muted laptop as he listens to Ajax rant. There’s a sharpness to this irony that’s making it a little difficult to breathe. “Yeah.”

“What happened to hi? What happened to how was your day? What happened to me?! If I’m spending time with someone then I want to be there with them in that moment. Present and paying attention. I would never take up someone’s time gushing about how great someone is to someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit. I know how to read the room!”

Kaeya blinks. He’s been the sounding board for all of Ajax’s gushing and complaining about his friendship with Diluc for the last few weeks. He most certainly does not know how to read the room, and his lack of self awareness would be such an irritant to him if he wasn’t already deeply in love with this fucking buffoon.

He sucks in a breath that makes his chest hurt. Being in love shouldn't have to hurt.

“I just…!” Ajax’s long sigh turns into an aggravated groan. “Why do I feel like I have to beg to be seen by someone? I would never actually beg because that’s disgusting, but I want there to be an us. Right now, Diluc and I are not feeling very us. It’s me, and then there’s him and the way he feels and I’m ducking and dodging my own triggers just to feel close to him. Does that make sense?”

Kaeya shuts his eyes, pushing a few tears over his lids. “It makes perfect sense.”

“And then–!” Ajax suddenly goes silent. A few beats pass before a giggle sounds through the speaker. “Nevermind, he just texted me back and it’s finally not about Thoma. I’m gonna call him real quick, okay? I'll call you back.”

“Sure thing. And if not, just go ahead and enjoy the rest of your day.”

He scoffs. “I’m gonna call you back, Kaeya. Swear. Byeeee!”

Kaeya lets Ajax hang up the phone. Once the line is silenced, he flips his phone over onto its face and rolls over, putting his back to the phone. He eventually drifts off to sleep knowing that Ajax isn’t going to call him back.

 

---

 

“Hi!” Yoimiya is as chipper as ever. He’d all but forgotten just how infectious her happiness is whenever they talk. “I heard your voicemail. Sorry I couldn’t get to you then. The shop got super busy all of a sudden.”

“It’s fine,” Kaeya says into the phone. Even though he was to decline a video call, he longs to see her face. Maybe her smile would make him feel better. “I won’t keep you long. I need your help for a quick moment.”

“Sure! What do ya need?”

Kaeya stares at the call screen on his phone, his mouth wanting to form the words that his mind keeps scrambling. He knows that the disconnect is due to him wanting to tell the truth, but somehow not say very much at all. And that’s not going to solve his problem.

“I uh…” He breathes in quietly, blinking away the moisture in his eyes. “I have feelings for…someone. And I need to tell them directly, but I don’t know how.”

“Ohhh.” There’s a brief pause. “Is it me?”

“No.”

“Damn! Figures. Nothing exciting ever happens to me.”

“Yoimiya…” Kaeya laughs, and she laughs with him. It feels good. He didn’t realize just how much he needed it until it started to make his chest feel lighter. “I think if I would have met you first, it could have been you.”

“No, that’s just something people say when they’re trying to–waaait a minute? Wait!” A loud gasp floods the speakers. “Is it Ajax?!”

Kaeya pushes his fingers through his hair and shakes his head gently. “Yeah,” he sighs.

“Oh, that’s unfortunate. I’m so very sorry.”

He snorts. Finally, an appropriate reaction. “Thank you.”

“Like, don’t get me wrong! I love him into pieces and right back together, but the man’s a bit of a mess.”

“I’m aware. Unfortunately, this knowledge has done nothing to stop me from feeling this way about him.” He looks down at his nails as he picks at the rubber part of his phone case that has started to peel off. “He’s been my mess for such a long time. I don’t…know how else to live.”

Yoimiya hums. “So you want to tell him?”

“Y-Yes. I don’t think a relationship is what’s best for us. I think we want entirely different things and putting those things together romantically just wouldn’t…work. But I have this feeling that if I tell him, I’ll be able to move on from it. It’ll be entirely up to him whether we stay friends or not. But I need to stop driving myself crazy over this.”

“I completely understand. And…I think it would be good for you to tell him, just to get it off your chest. And who knows, maybe he’ll feel the same way and you’ll change your mind about not dating.”

He hates the way his heart jumps in excitement when he hears this. He leans forward in his seat, towards the phone. “Has he said anything to you? About me? About anything romantic?”

“Eh, well. It’s…he–I can’t say anything at all, positive or negative. I made promises that I have to keep.”

He huffs. Of course. It was silly of him to try to get that information out of her in the first place. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay. Hey, he’s still going through with his Christmas party. You should go, find a private moment with him, and just tell him.”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Kaeya himself wouldn’t have chosen Christmas to do it. Maybe the day before New Years so that he can leave this drama in the previous year and have a fresh start for what’s to come. But if Yoimiya truly thinks he should, he’ll at least consider it.

“I do! I think it’s a great idea.”

Slowly, nods. “Alright. I’ll…I’ll think about it.”

“And don’t worry. I won’t tell him a thing. These are your feelings to share.”

“Thank you…”

“Of course! I really do hope everything works out for the best.”

 

---

 

“What is this?”

Kaeya tries not to flinch when he feels warm fingers graze the skin just beneath his tattoo. That touch and that voice, mixed with the fair bit of alcohol in his system, is not a good combination for his state of mind. He’s supposed to be telling Ajax how he feels tonight, but he doesn’t feel ready. Maybe he can push it off again. He’d told Yoimiya that he’d do it before New Years. That’s seven whole days he has left to gather his thoughts and translate them into a coherent string of words.

“Oh. I got a tattoo.” It has never been more difficult to attempt to be casual with him. “What are you so upset about?”

“I’m not upset. I’m curious about this.” A clear lie. He can’t tell if Ajax is avoiding the subject because it’s uncomfortable or because he doesn’t want him to know. The later thought hurts more than he expected it to.

As his fingers slide up his skin, Kaeya feels a shiver run up his spine. He quickly turns and smacks Ajax’s hand away before he can think better of it. He immediately feels guilty at the sight of Ajax’s shocked expression. “Don’t touch. I don’t know where your hands have been.”

Ajax shifts his weight to his left hip. “What happened to being nicer to me? Why must you antagonize me every time we have a conversation?”

Kaeya has to shrug. He’s wondering that himself. “J-Just because you feel antagonized doesn't mean I’ve done anything to you. Perhaps you’re just a perpetual victim.” That’s not even a good excuse. It’s just a lie. Maybe two liars are perfect for each other.

“pErHaPs yOuRe jUst a pErPetUaL vIcTiM,” Ajax mocks. He wants to laugh, but he can’t. He’s trying to be serious.

“Hm. Real mature.”

“rEal mAtUrE.”

The smile that follows doesn’t do anything to slow his racing heart. He forces himself to frown so that he doesn’t smile. He’s not ready to show him these feelings yet. 

Ajax chuckles and spins his index finger around. “Turnnn. Let me see it.”

He turns slowly, grateful that he doesn’t have to look into those pretty eyes while he tries to calm himself down. Ajax’s fingers return to his skin, and he bites down on the inside of his cheek. His knees feel like jelly and he's worried he might collapse if his fingers drift any lower than this. “These are pretty. When did you get them done?”

Kaeya swallows. “Couple months back. Got drunk with a friend and stumbled into a shop after a long emotional talk one night.”

“You don’t have long, emotional talks with me.”

He knows. It’s been the source of his guilt for a long time. They haven’t been able to talk like they used to because of how much he’s changed. It wasn’t his choice to change. It wasn’t his choice to push him away, but that seems like the only thing he can do successfully anymore. “I’d like to. We used to have really good talks. I think I might have forgotten how to do that. Or maybe I lost the courage.”

Ajax goes quiet, allowing him to hear the mad beating on repeat in his ears. It is louder than the music outside of this room. “Did I do something to make you not trust me?”

“No,” he says quickly. “It’s just been difficult to share “feelings” with other people. Crepus…” Since when had he gone back to calling his father Crepus? It feels disrespectful to do it now. “Dad was the one person in the entire world who could help me make sense of my feelings. Now that he’s gone and Diluc doesn’t need me, I don’t know how to open up without him.”

“You’re kind of opening up right now. That’s a good start.”

“This is surface level information that I could have told anyone. Try not to feel special,” he blurts out. He shouldn’t have said that, why did he say that?

“Jesus!” Ajax laughs. He doesn’t sound offended. Good. “And here I was thinking we had something real.”

He gasps, his skin immediately heating up from those words. Kaeya snatches a random shirt out of the closet and shuts the door. This was a mistake. He can’t tell him tonight. “Anyway, what are slash were you upset about?”

Ajax laughs. “What are you talking about? I’m fiiine! I’ve been fine this whole time.”

Kaeya works his arms into the sleeves of the shirt, then pulls it over his head. Determined to change the course of this conversation, he roots himself to the spot. He may not be able to talk about his own feelings, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help Ajax with his. This is what it means to be a good friend. “What’s wrong?” he gently pleads with him.

He huffs. “In the most polite way that I can put it, Thoma and I got into an argument about Diluc and I’m still pissed about it.”

The second he hears Thoma’s name, he thinks of Diluc. He hopes nothing is wrong. “He didn’t let Diluc drink, did he?”

“No! No, Diluc is fine. I can almost promise that Thoma is taking very good care of him.”

“So what’s the issue?”

Ajax waves his hand in the direction of the back door and makes a face. “He fucking thinks I’m trying to steal Diluc from him or something.”

Kaeya feels the breath leave his chest. His arms move without his permission. He takes note of how natural it feels to reach out for him. How good it feels trying to physically comfort him. “Are you? Do we have a little boyfriend stealer on our hands?” he tries to joke.

“Fuck you,” Ajax snorts as he shoves his hands away. It stings, but he tries not to take this personally. “And fuck him too. They’re not even boyfriends.”

Kaeya’s eyes widen. The way Diluc talked about him, he assumed they were on their way to boyfriends by now. “They’re not?”

“Nope. You ask Diluc if they’re dating and he tells you no. Almost seems mad about being asked.”

“Yeah, he does that. He’s very uhh…” Kaeya snaps his fingers as he searches for words that aren’t accidentally ableist. “Particular about the words he uses. If he hasn’t been asked out, he’ll get panicky about labels. He’s the kind of guy that gets mad if you call a toad a frog.”

“That explains a whole fucking lot. Called his hair cherry red one time and he was so pissed.”

Kaeya rolls his eyes, his fondness for the man in front of him blossoming like a flower. Every time he smiles, it waters it. “You did that because you knew that would upset him.”

“And I’ll do it again,” Ajax chuckles as he walks backwards. The dress fans out from his body as he spins and sits. Kaeya does his best not to stare at the patch of skin between the hem of the skirt and the top of the fishnets. “God, I kind of hate this party. I hate myself for being so fucking mad that I can barely even focus on anything. I must have drank a gallon of alcohol and I feel nothing.”

Kaeya shrugs gently and slips his shaking hands into his pockets. “You want me to kick everybody out so you can call it a night?” There’s a part of him hoping for genuine alone time with him. Just for a night.

“No. I don’t want to ruin everyone else’s fun just because I’m having a bad night. It’s Christmas and a lot of people are here to escape family and be around other queer people during a special time. That’s the whole point of me throwing these every year.”

“But what’s the point if everyone feels safe and happy except for the host? You have to look out for yourself, too.”

Ajax goes quiet. Kaeya wants to move closer, but he doesn’t trust his legs right now. The last thing he needs is to trip and fall. He won’t be able to live through the embarrassment.

“Do you think Diluc and I should be friends?” Ajax practically whispers.

Honestly? “Had you asked me that a couple weeks ago, I would have said hell no. But, after seeing you two talk in Mondstadt and hearing all the good things he has to say about you...I think so. I think you make him happy in a way that he hasn’t been in such a long time. There’s an extra pep in your step as well.” He pauses, wetting his lips nervously. “I’ll also say that it doesn’t matter what I think about it. Or what Thoma thinks. If he wants to be your friend, he will be. When Diluc has his heart set on something, he doesn't budge. It could be something as unimportant as wanting the last cookie in a pack; he’s not moving.”

Ajax groans and traps his head between his hands. “Fuck…”

“There’s more to this than you’re telling me,” Kaeya says softly as he carefully moves to kneel in front of him. He attempts physical contact again by placing his hand atop his knee and shaking his leg back and forth, hoping to bring some of that playfulness out of him again. “Spit it out.”

Ajax does not meet his eye when he speaks. “Thoma called me a parasite and told me that I’m just like my father.”

Kaeya’s eyes narrow as his skin begins to boil for a different reason. The situation with Ajax’s father is a very sensitive one and everyone knows that. Why in the hell would Thoma say that to him?. “He said that tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Because he thinks you like Diluc?” he asks in disbelief.

“Mm-hm.”

“That’s...not like him at all. I’ve never heard him say a single bad thing about a person unless he was provoked.”

Ajax puffs out his cheeks. “I may have provoked him just the tiniest bit.” Oh fucking god. Of course this is Ajax’s fault. That doesn’t stop Kaeya from being any less mad about the situation. “But he was on my fucking case about Diluc for no reason! I wasn’t doing anything!”

“Ajax.” Whether he deserved such harsh words or not, he needs Ajax to be honest about the situation. He needs to know that Ajax is still capable of taking accountability for the fucked up things he does without taking days or weeks to think on it.

“I didn’t–! Okay, I was a little bit of a shithead about him making kissy face in my kitchen. What fucking crime did I commit? I didn’t fucking deserve him saying that to me!”

Kaeya rolls his eyes. He’s not seeing any real accountability. He feels his stomach start to turn. Is this what a relationship with him would look like? “So you poked the happily hibernating bear and you’re mad that it attacked? Sometimes you are your own problem and you need to admit that.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Yes it does. Please say the right thing. “He can do whatever he wants and I won’t get in his way. I just wanna stop feeling like I’m dry drowning. Yoimiya is usually the one who helps me process shit but she’s having such a good time with Xinny and I can’t dump this on either of them right now. I literally just promised Xinny that I wouldn’t focus so much on me but I’m failing because I can’t get that stupid fuck out of my head! He’s all I’ve been thinking about all night!”

“Ajax…breathe. You are spiraling. Thoma likely just needs space to calm down for the night. Hash it out with him tomorrow.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“What do you feel like you need to do? And don’t say kill someone.”

“Kill so–hmph.” Ajax frowns. Kaeya tries not to laugh. “I just need to not fucking think for ten minutes. Shit, five minutes would be enough to reset my brain and get me back on track.”

He lets out a breath. He wants to give him good advice on how to deal with this, but he can’t think straight when they’re this close. He wants to tell himself that leaning in to kiss him right now is not a good idea–not when Ajax is so upset and not when he knows Ajax is actively avoiding doing the right thing–but he can’t help himself. He feels stupid and crazy and still so very in love with him. It’s maddening. He’s kneeling before his best friend looking for a sign that it is okay to love him and it is maddening.

“For once, I’m...actually at a loss. I want to help you, I really do, but I don’t know what you need,” he whispers.

His thumb moves across Ajax’s knee, hoping that it comforts him even the smallest bit. He can’t bring himself to smile or say encouraging words. He can’t do anything to help any of the people that matter to him and he feels useless.

He thinks he understands those romance movies Jean loves so much. When the main characters' eyes meet and you can tell that it means something to them, that at least one of them is thinking about it. He wonders if his throat is supposed to feel tight, if this is a normal thing to feel when his friend is clearly upset.

As the silence between them drags on, Kaeya finds his attention wandering further south. Along the bridge of his nose, across his cheekbones, down to the lips he so often fantasizes about. He feels equal parts guilty and excited even being this close. He watches Ajax’s lips part to speak, and his hand tightens just the slightest bit around his knee as he waits to hear something that will snap him out of this.

But then his mouth freezes. No words are formed, no sound comes out. When he looks up, he’s met with Ajax’s accusatory stare, tinted with the faintest bit of curiosity. He swallows hard and straightens himself up. He prays that Ajax won’t mention this. 

They can move past this. Dear god, let them be able to move past this. He’s not ready to say anything.

“I need a really big favor from you,” Ajax finally says. Kaeya recognizes this wild look in his eye and knows that Ajax is about to do something insane. “I will never ask you this again, and we'll be even for the rest of our lives.”

Kaeya pretends to laugh this off. He can’t be asking for that. He cannot be serious right now. “That wasn't...I wasn't trying to lead you anywhere.”

“I know. I won't ask what that was about if you don't wanna answer. I just need something.”

Kaeya snaps his mouth shut. He should say no. The right thing to do would be to say no and not take advantage of the trust Ajax has in him. 

But is it really taking advantage if Ajax was the one to ask? Is he making excuses because he’s scared?

Kaeya is scared of getting his hopes up, yes. The last time they went this far, he couldn’t stop thinking about him for months. He could barely focus on school due to how restless he felt, how badly he wanted to text Ajax and ask him to come over just once, just one more time. Does he really want to put himself through that again? Make himself crazy over a guy he’s not even brave enough to confess to?

Yes. One million times yes. They’re both liars and they’re both already crazy.

His hands flex as he makes his decision. He places his hands on his thighs to help him stand. A favor for a favor sounds logical in his already messed up brain. And then he’ll confess. He swears.

“This is the last time.” It has to be the last time they do this as friends. His heart won’t be able to take it a third time. He shuts the door with a stiff hand and locks it. One slow, deep breath later, he wipes all traces of worry from his face and walks back to Ajax. “And you only get five minutes.”

Ajax nods. There’s a sparkle in his eye that he’s never seen before, something desperate and sad. He wonders if this is how he looked when he’d asked to be distracted, if Ajax felt his heart ache like this when he looked at him. “Five minutes is fine.”

He uses two fingers to signal him backwards. Ajax listens. His knees sink into the mattress as he forces himself closer to his friend, and his mind starts to spin at the sound of the excited breath Ajax lets out. He gives into every impulse and lets his hands come up to cup the sides of Ajax’s face. His thumbs swipe against the faint splatter of freckles on his cheeks. How did he not take the time to appreciate them the first time around? How could he have taken this for granted?

Kaeya leans down to kiss him, glad for his decision. This time he isn’t too depressed to notice just how soft his lips are, or that they taste like every drop of alcohol in the apartment. The lack of grief allows him to feel only the thrill of the moment, the smoothness of his skin, the way Ajax pulls him closer like he needs him.

His mind goes into overdrive as he carefully presses Ajax against the mattress and settles between his legs, making a lovely little note of how easily his legs part for him. He should be doing more to appreciate this moment. He should be doing more for him. A shaky hand touches the skin just above his fishnets, daring to creep beneath the skirt of the dress. 

As much as he craves him in this moment, it means more to him that Ajax feels good and enjoys himself. It’s such a terrible thing to feel like you’re drowning, and yet such a wonderful thing to trust someone this much.

Kaeya shudders at the feeling of fingers against his scalp. He lets Ajax pull out his hair tie despite hating the feeling of hair against the sides of his neck and shoulders. And he’s never been a person to enjoy having his hair pulled, but when his hand tightens at the top of his scalp and drags him closer, he groans and rewards the action with soft kisses along the side of his neck. He remembers how much Ajax liked those before and is happy to give that to him. 

He can have whatever he wants. Anything and everything he wants.

Another groan slips from between his lips as Ajax yanks the bottom of his shirt up and run his hands along his stomach. He shudders at the sharp sting of his nails digging into his skin. The little shithead did the same thing last time. He shakes his head as they laugh together. He’ll definitely pay for that later. 

His lips return to Ajax’s as he tries to muster the courage to lift his dress a little higher. It’s not enough to be touched or teased by him. He wants to hear Ajax say that he wants it. The small part of him that still worries for him, that wants to make sure that he’s completely okay with him, needs to hear him say I want you.

Kaeya pulls back just enough to ask for permission, but Ajax drags him back by the collar of his shirt. “Fuck, Diluc…”

The happy little bubble that had formed around the two of them pops. Kaeya’s blood turns to ice in his veins as he jerks back. He stares down at his friend, whose eyes are still shut. He’s still stuck in his own little fantasy. One that Kaeya was never once a part of.

He lets out a short laugh of disbelief. He should be cussing him out, but he feels sick. He’s afraid that if he opens his mouth again, he’ll vomit.

Those pretty blue eyes open, and Ajax has the audacity to look confused. Kaeya pulls back a little more, watching in disgust as Ajax slowly realizes that he’s not with the person he really wants to be with. He looks disappointed.

Disappointment turns to panic as he quickly sits up. “I-I didn't mean to say that.”

Kaeya tries to speak, but gags violently. The back of his hand comes up to cover his mouth as he moves off of the bed. He needs to be away from him, but this doesn’t feel far enough. “You’re a sick son of a bitch.”

“I didn't mean to say that!” Ajax reaches for him and he flinches backwards. Now he really does look panicked, but Kaeya can’t feel bad for him. He feels gross. He feels like he’s been used. He feels so goddamn angry for letting himself believe that any of that could have been real. “Kaeya, I fucked up!”

“Don’t, don’t, don't. Don’t say anything, do not come near me.” He holds his trembling hands up near his face so that he doesn’t make a fist and knock him smooth out. “You’re sick. You are sick in the fucking head. W-What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

He moves back until he trips over his own feet and falls into the bedroom door. His face heats up as he averts his gaze from the ginger. If he looks at him right now, he will hit him. 

Ajax begins to stutter. “That was an accident. I don't know why I said that, Kaeya.”

“Jesus Christ, yes you do!” he shouts, trying to fight against the lump in his throat. If he doesn’t fight him, he’s going to burst into tears right here in front of him and he doesn’t want to do that either. “You know exactly why you said that, and you know exactly why Thoma thinks you like Diluc. And if you do like him, fine! No one actually gives a shit but you and Thoma! But I am not. Him. I do not come second to him, and I am not a cheap replacement.”

“You’re not,” Ajax says softly. He doesn’t believe a word of it. He can never trust a single goddamn word out of that motherfucker’s mouth, and yet he keeps choosing to believe that this is not a deeply cruel, deeply selfish person who only cares about the things that benefit him. 

God, was he thinking about Diluc the first time they had sex too? He really is going to throw up now. He never had a chance. Ajax never wanted him, and he’s never going to want him.

“I'm sorry. I am so fucking sorry. We don’t have to–”

“I don’t want to hear it. I’m done. I am not going to stick around and be used by you because I’m the closest you can get to my brother.”

“That's not what I was trying to do, I swear–!”

“Stay the hell away from me, Ajax.” He leaves the room before Ajax can say anything else, before he can find the words to make Kaeya believe another idiotic lie and smooth things over between them. He doesn’t want anything smoothed over anymore.

Kaeya brushes past several drunk bodies on his way out of the apartment. He leaves the door wide open, not caring who wanders in or out. 

“Hey, hey! Kaeya!”

At the sound of Yoimiya’s voice, Kaeya stops. He’s already starting to tear up, but he pushes them back and turns to face her. “What, Yoimiya?”

Her face falls as she comes to a stop in front of him. “You don’t look so good. What’s the matter?”

He lets out a humorless chuckle as he motions toward the apartment. “Your brilliant plan to confess to him didn’t go so well. He...he’s made it clear that he, for some fucking reason, likes Diluc.”

She sighs, shifting her weight to her other foot. “He told you.”

Kaeya blinks. That was not a question. “You knew.”

In a very Ajax-like way, Yoimiya begins to stutter. “I might have...heard something like that.”

Kaeya narrows his eyes as he steps away from her. “You fucking knew? You knew and you set me up for what?!”

“It wasn’t a set up! H-He told me not to tell anyone! I just–I thought if maybe you were honest with him, he’d move on from an impossible crush and–”

“Oh my god,” Kaeya laughs, looking up at the night sky. “I’m not crazy. It isn’t me! It is him, and it is you, and it is everyone in that fucking apartment! Everyone here is fucking insane!”

Yoimiya holds the bottle in her hand closer to her chest as she bites her bottom lip. “I am so sorry. I really had good intentions…”

“...How on earth could you possibly tell me to pursue a man that you know does not like me and still think you’re a good person with good intentions? You’re not even a good friend. You’re a fucking enabler. You have no spine, you have no personality outside of being Ajax’s fucking dog trainer, and you can’t even do that right.”

Yoimiya covers her mouth with her hand as tears begin to stream down her face. He knows his words are cruel, but he doesn’t have the heart to care. What she did was messed up. It’s not fun or funny to mess with people’s hearts like this.

“Next time you feel like you want to “help” someone? Don’t. Find your own business and mind it.”

He quickly walks to his car and gets in. He wants to be as far away from this place as possible. As far away from Ajax and Yoimiya and Diluc as he can get without leaving the city. He backs out of his parking spot and practically speeds out of the gated community. 

He has to blink and rub his eyes every few seconds to be able to see the road through his tears. He only makes it past two traffic lights before the tears blur his vision and make it impossible to continue. A hiccup escapes him as he pulls over. The front right wheel bumps against the curb, because why wouldn’t it? On his worst night of the entire year, he has to also hit the curb and scare the shit out of himself.

His hand fumbles with the keys as he shuts the engine off and braces himself against the steering wheel. The few attempts he makes to catch his breath fail as he breaks down into the sobs he’d been holding back for months, possibly even years. When he opens his eyes, he can’t see anything but blur. When he closes them, he can only see Ajax’s goofy smile.

Kaeya has never felt this low before. He feels pathetic for crying his broken heart out over Ajax. To make matters worse, his father isn’t even here to help him through these emotions. He would know how to make it stop hurting. He would make him laugh and say something wise to ease his worries. He’d probably say something awful about Ajax and then tell him to come home.

That might be the part that hurts the most. All Kaeya wants is to go home. 

His entire body shakes as he pulls his seatbelt off and crawls into the backseat. He checks one last time to make sure the door is locked, then lies down in the seat. His heart hurts. His head hurts. He can’t stop crying long enough to take a deep enough breath and it feels like he’s dying.

“I would give…” he starts in a whisper, breath hitching several times in a row, “a-anything to trade places with you, Dad. I should’ve never come here.” He sniffs and wipes his face. “Mondstadt doesn’t feel like home without you...and there’s nothing out here for me. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I can’t even talk to Diluc about this because h-he…”

His words get lost in the many breaths that he struggles to take as his chest and throat tightens. He’s found a way to choke on sadness alone.

Diluc does not need him. Ajax does not want him. Jean thinks he’s an alcoholic, and she’s probably right. He’s completely alone in the back of a car that his dead father’s money paid for, and nothing and nowhere feels like home.

A hard knocking on his window startles him into sitting upright. He wipes his face and peers through the driver’s side window to see a man in uniform pointing a flashlight at the car. 

“Great…” He sucks in a deep breath and opens the back door. “Yes, Officer?”

The officer gives him an odd look. “We got a call about what sounded like a car crash in this area. Are you alright?”

He sniffs and nods. “Yes. I wasn’t involved in any crash. I might've…” He gestures to his front wheel. “Bumped the curb, but no. No crash.”

“I see. Have you been drinking? Your eyes are really red.”

Shit. What is the quickest way to get out of this situation so that he can get home? “I pulled over so I could calm down. I was having a panic attack.”

The officer’s eyes widen slightly, and then he nods. “Do you need an ambulance?”

“No. No, I-I’d just like to get to my apartment.”

The officer takes a step back to look at his cruiser, nods, and then looks back at him. “It’s a slow night. We’d be willing to escort you there if you’re in a condition to drive.”

Sure. At least he can be sure he’d get there safely. “Sure.”

So, he climbs into the front seat in his car and turns the engine back on. After giving him the directions to his apartment complex, the officer walks back to his cruiser and pulls up next to him. Kaeya squints as he notices the lack of stripes on the side and lights at the top. It looks like just a normal car. He hums to himself as the cruiser pulls off, and he follows behind them.

A stray tear rolls down his cheek, but he wipes it away so that he can focus on driving straight. It takes about twenty minutes for the cruiser to pull into the parking lot of his complex. He does the same and parks in the spot that Crepus still pays monthly for.

When he steps out of the car, so does the officer from before. He goes to thank him, but the taller man hands him a card. He looks just the slightest bit nervous about it. “Here in Fontaine, we have a ton of free mental health resources available to residents and visitors alike. I don’t know how long you’ll stay, but I hope you take advantage of the opportunity. This is the contact for one of the best therapists I’ve ever met.

Kaeya takes the card. There’s a name printed in font that he can barely read, but the phone number and email are clear. He doesn't see himself calling a therapist, but he’s grateful that someone cares enough to recommend one. “Thank you, Officer…” He looks at the paper name tag that sticks to the pocket of his uniform. If he wasn’t panicking before, he is now. “W-Wriothesley.”

The Duke laughs. He’s never seen him in person before, or even in a photograph. It’s just his luck that he’d meet the Duke of fucking Fontaine while he’s half tipsy and brokenhearted. “Just Wriothesley is fine. I’m not a cop.”

Kaeya tilts his head. “But you're on patrol?”

“Yes and no. Armed forces aren’t allowed to patrol during the holidays, so I get asked to have a look around while a friend of mine looks over the fortress for me. That being said, unless someone’s doing something particularly heinous, I won’t make any arrests.”

He hums again. This information does make him feel slightly better, but it doesn’t fix what was broken. “Thank you. For er…” He lifts the card up and nods awkwardly. “Thanks.”

The Duke offers another smile. This gesture alone might be the kindest thing anyone has done for him in so many months. “You’re welcome. I hope you have a good night.”

Another stiff nod. He takes a step backward, waving the card awkwardly in his hand as he walks to his door. Once inside of his space, he peeks through the blinds to watch the Duke walk back to his car and pull off. Kaeya sighs, dropping the card on the table next to the door. 

In his pocket, his phone buzzes. He fishes it out and flinches at the sight of Ajax’s name. It’s only a text, but he can’t bring himself to open and read it.

He looks back to the card the Duke had given him. As fresh tears start to pool in his eyes again, he leans forward and props his arms on the table. He does need help. Tonight was genuinely the worst he has ever been hurt, and that can never happen again. The only way he can try to prevent that is if he can heal.

Tomorrow, he'll send the email. Tonight, he needs to cry it out.

Notes:

I wasn't going to mention it, but I didn't want anybody to get the wrong idea. I didn't go into too much detail about Dio and how Kaeya helped Ajax get through that on purpose. It would have been super helpful to the story, I know, but even after sitting with this for a couple of months, I am not in a place where I can talk about that at length without falling apart lol. I might give that to you at a later date if I can handle it. Really sorry about that, friends!

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of How To