Chapter Text
Written for the Hyunlix Zine!
Thank you Macks and Lily for the unyielding support! 🦢
“An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, and circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle. But it will never break.”
— Ancient Chinese Proverb
If time were a place, he’d storm out of its door, slam it shut before hailing a taxi headed far, far away. He’d never look back. There’d be nothing to remind him of its incessant movements going forwards; unyielding and limitless, continuing in one direction. He wouldn’t have to wait for it to pass. It’d be stationary, trapped in a still frame like a movie reel wound so tight it can no longer move.
If only time wasn’t staring Felix in the face.
Time still moves. No matter where he is, 5pm quickly becomes 8pm and he’s still here, unmoving.
Where did the time go?
Perhaps, he knows the answer as he looks down over the flaps of a snow-glittered coat and the crystal ivory sheets expanding beneath his boots. He tries to find warmth in the tips of frostbitten fingers, the cup of his boiling hot coffee lacks ribbons of steam becoming an iced drink. His eyelashes are heavy, weighed down by snowflakes.
Time never stops. It never stays in one place. However, Felix did.
Numbed fingers brush the cool screen of his phone to open the last text message from two days ago. Jaehyun rattled on and on about this place and gave him a time to meet, but Jaehyun never showed.
Familiar tugs pull behind his eyes and his heart stings as he rereads the words, desperately wanting them to be wrong, to be different. But even through the blurriness of his tears, he couldn’t have read them wrongly.
This isn’t the first time, it’ll be okay.
He sighs, reaches up to wipe the tears out the corner of his eyes and readies himself to leave. After a quick search for a trash bin, he tosses the coffee and stuffs his palms inside his coat pockets. With a lowered head, he trudges toward the nearest bus stop. Every step leaves a footprint in the snow, a lonely trail leaving the ballet theater behind.
The winter chill follows him through the door to the main building. Felix shivers, teeth chattering but soon ebbing into a few muscle spasms. The warmth from inside drapes around his shoulders and works its way into his palms until he can finally feel his fingertips again. He unravels his scarf and shakes away the flakes of snow gathered atop of it.
Free time behind his eyelids sounds great. Having waited hours outside in the cold drained what little energy he had left. He can’t wait to get into his bed and fall into the sleep’s embrace.
He continues to trudge along taking the routine route to his dorm room. After walking for a while, he inadvertently catches the sight of a couple while passing the entrance to the skating rink. A familiar face.
Instantly, tears swell and his vision shakes. The man he so desperately waited for couldn’t be standing there, laughing, talking cheerfully with Yuna. That wouldn’t make sense.
To make matters worse, it’s not his boyfriend who recognizes him first, it’s Yuna. She smirks, motions a nod in his direction and Jaehyun snaps his head around. When their gazes meet, something heavy sinks into Felix’s gut. Something ugly and primal that he tries to ignore but builds steadily in his chest, hot and tense. He takes a shuddering breath.
Jaehyun seems startled, but is quick to hide his surprise behind a gleeful smile. “Felix!” He questions-yells-says. It all sounds the same, though under a touch of impatience that asks him not to move. But Jaehyun knows he’s not moving and sadly, so does Felix. “I’ll talk to you later, Yuna.” He dismisses her with a wave and bounds towards him in a light jog. When close enough, he stops and speaks slowly, “What’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? How can he ask that when he should already know.
Before he could reply, Jaehyun jumps at him with an answer. “Ah! I’m sorry, I forgot about our date, right? But you wouldn’t believe the news I got today!” Jaehyun throws a lazy arm around his shoulder. No shame, no remorse, just like always. He allows this, shrinks in on himself and lowers his head further, if possible. “Don’t look so sad, hm? I’m sorry, but Coach Pinn really had some great news and I had to stay behind.” Could have called. At least I wouldn’t have stood in the cold for so long. Jaehyun reaches over to caress his cheek, but Felix pulls away from his touch, grimacing.
“...So?” He croaks, voice scratchy. He hates that it sounds like he’s been crying though holding back tears isn’t that much of a difference.
“Coach Pinn said that I could begin working on a brand new routine, choreography and everything. Isn’t that great?”
While he understands Jaehyun’s excitement, he can’t fathom why that’d be a reason to stand him up. He can only nod. “...Ok.”
“Please Lixie,” Jaehyun sings-songs, shaking him lightly in an attempt to lift his mood. “Forgive me?”
Felix sniffs and throws a side-glance at his boyfriend. That nickname always worked. Jaehyun knows the advantages of calling him that, playing rather mercilessly on his weary heartstrings; they’re thin and threaten to snap, but hold strong to this love that he’s fostered for nearly a decade.
“Come on, let’s go get food or something.” Jaehyun says. Typical. His apologies are always food related, but this time, Felix doesn’t feel like humoring him. He’s been weathering the storm of his emotions for hours already.
The weight of a sigh falls from his shoulders. “I’m tired, Jae…And cold.”
“Aish, okay baby.” Jaehyun coos, squeezing him a bit tighter. “Then we can go up to my room and watch movies. Sounds good, hm?” He coaxes with a gentler voice.
Felix is familiar with this song. He’s played it over and over again; knows the lyrics, verses and chorus by heart. Jaehyun’s always gentle and apologetic when he’s screwed up. It’s a habit he fails to break and Felix doubts he ever will. But those tender words do wonders to his broken heart, mending it together again even if it merely held the same adhesive as an already worn band-aid.
Every time Jaehyun’s words of honey melted into him, his ears tinged red, twitching like a cat waiting to purr. He’s infatuated and in love. And those small gestures from Jaehyun are like mountains among the vast expanse of molehills. So he nods, and Jaehyun’s lips pull into a lopsided grin.
“Let’s go.” After making sure no one is around, Jaehyun grabs his palm and interlaces their fingers to pull him toward his dorm room.
All he ever wants is Jaehyun; his everything, his love.
But, when will Jaehyun finally want him?
Will anyone ever want him?
***
“Your form is great as always but it’s your face...It’s missing something...” Chan’s words feel less like ridicule and more like criticism, but he’d be lying if wasn’t annoyed by them anyway.
What kind of criticism is that? He did the routine perfectly. What could he possibly be missing?
Hyunjin can’t allow himself to get angry, Chan is his coach after all.
He ebbs to a stop, shimmering sparks of ice flutter in the air from the sharp halt of his heels. “According to the media, my face is quite attractive.”
“Did you just try to make a joke?” Chan raises a brow. Hyunjin rolls his eyes. With a wave, Chan beckons him over. “Come here for a sec. I bring you earth-shattering news.”
Hyunjin tsks, opens his mouth to protest, “Chan, I—”
“That’s Coach to you.” He snaps at him.
“—Would rather finish practicing this routine.” He doesn’t miss a beat. Interruptions during practice for such “earth-shattering” news annoy him. He’d prefer that such information waited until he perfected his jumps.
“Just continue it some other time.” Chan flippantly waves a hand. He levels Chan with a glare. “Don’t stare at me like that. I’m soft. What would you do if you punctured a hole in my brain?”
“Listen as the wind blows through.” Hyunjin deadpans. He manages to arrive at the bench and slips on his blade guards before gathering his things.
“You’re quite mean spirited today...Anyways, there’s a program that our national board has put together. They want us to cooperate in a program with the Seoul Diamonds!” Excitement rolls off his tongue, appearing quite pleased with this arrangement.
Hyunjin snorts. “Oh?”
“What? You’re not excited?” The disappointment is palpable.
Hyunjin clenches and unclenches his fists as he steadies his breath. “Tell them that I’m not interested.” He quickens his pace when packing his things inside a black duffel bag. He removes his anti-cut gloves for skating and fits his hands inside a thicker pair of gloves.
“Don’t you think this would be a great opportunity for you?” When Chan is determined and has made up his mind, it’s incredibly difficult for him to change or yield. Despite Chan being his coach, he doesn’t have the final say over everything he chooses to do.
“Opportunity?” Hyunjin straightens, brow raised. “I hired you to help me win a world title. Not to sign me up for programs that I do not need.” He huffs. “I’m not interested.”
Chan’s face falls into a scowl. “Do you think you can win a world title from technique alone? There is an artistic element to it. People need to feel the emotions from your skating. That’s what’s stopping you from owning the world.” He points a finger at him. “So you’re going to this program. At least, if you’re still serious about wanting that world title.”
Hyunjin grits his teeth before schooling his expression. “Chan—”
“Coach.” Chan interjects with a hiss.
“Coach...” Hyunjin purses his lips, then sighs. He’s fatally aware of how headstrong his coach is, and how his coach’s easy-going demeanor means absolutely nothing in the face of his decisions.
Chan’s determination and unyielding nature are two of the main reasons why he decided to hire him. However, he’d rather practice alone than receive help from anyone he doesn’t approve of. Many of his South Korean peers simply aren’t on his level and lack the tools to teach him.
“Do you honestly believe that I can gain experience and improve with this program?” He steadies a serious gaze at Chan.
Never one to hesitate, Chan nods right away. “Yes. You’ll be partnered with a skater, and you guys will help each other improve. It’s a new idea that they believe can bring about change to South Korea’s national team and improve each individual team. We need this change, it’s something new and experimental, but I think it will be worth it!”
The idea of being partnered with anyone sends an unpleasant shiver down his spine. He enjoys being alone. He can only trust himself and his abilities. He also doesn’t like to share, and doesn’t find any merit in speaking to many people. Friends have come few and far in between but have left all the same, and now, he merely talks to his acquaintances, forced to keep up appearances for the sake of networking. He can never let relationships bog him down. There’s only one thing that sits at the forefront of his mind; one goal that he must achieve by any means necessary: To be the very best.
He needs to prove that man wrong.
Hyunjin zips up his bag and mumbles, “Alright...” He swings the duffel bag over his shoulder. “I’ll do it.” He leaves the rink behind with his mind focused, and a gaze hungrier than ever to succeed.
***
Over the static jitters of the intercom, the announcer informs them of the meeting on the first floor of the main building. The message sounds important and requires that everyone on the Seoul Diamonds Figure Skating team is present no later than 8AM sharp.
Stuck in a yawn, the stretch of his jaw pulls unshed tears to his eyes.
When did the moon even rise? After watching romcom movies with Jaehyun throughout the night, Felix barely got any sleep. Everything that happened yesterday felt like a fever dream, moments and conversations drifting in between blurs and black spots.
On his last burst of energy, he thrusts his weight onto the door to the conference room and stumbles into an empty room. Being the first to arrive sucks and makes him look like an overachiever. He finds an inconspicuous seat in the very back and flops into a metal chair, head heavy and body going limp. Face planting the table, the back of his eyelids feel comfortable and before he knows it, sleep finds him easier than last night.
Slender, supple fingers curl around his neck and tickle him there. “Felix, wake up.” Jaehyun whispers beside his ear, feather light breaths making him tremble.
Blinking bleary eyes open, Felix smiles, lazy. He straightens, mind reeling from the sensations of being touched a moment ago, warm strokes still simmering there.
Jaehyun winks before turning his direction toward the three coaches who stand in front of the room.
“Alright, is everyone here?” Coach Karla scans the members to count the number of heads present. She sports a laid back look, her hair styled in a thin, high ponytail. Most of her wardrobe consists of loose and baggy clothing, doing next to nothing to hug her curves and show off her womanly charms. Yet, despite this rather unfavored way of dressing, she’s never short of suitors who ask for her hand in marriage. Having been asked five times now, she can sense a desperate man a mile away, rejecting the poor guy before he even has a chance.
“Look alive everyone. We have some great news today!” Coach Changbin chirps, clasping his hands together. His auburn hair shimmers in the fluorescent lights highlighting his skin in a subtle glow. He always appears chipper and bright, prepared to take on the day’s challenges with kindness. Felix is proud to call him his personal coach, who also happens to be a dear friend.
“I think everyone is here, so let's get started.” Coach Pinn says, stern jaw locking with a steadfast caution that can make anyone who slouched their posture sit up straight in their seat. As the type of guy to easily hurl anyone 50 feet in the air, no one tousled his feathers in fear of being beaten to a bloody pulp. The man never smiles and wears a perpetual frown with brooding, thick eyebrows. Yet, somehow, while with his young daughter, he becomes as soft as a dandelion. The duality astonishes everyone who’s had misfortune of witnessing such softness. Including the other two coaches.
“So, you guys know the team Velocity, right?” Coach Karla asks.
“Oh my God!” Joy, another figure skater, jumps out of her seat. “The one with Hwang Hyunjin!?”
Coach Changbin chuckles. “Yes, the one with Hyunjin.” Felix’s ear twitches, but his attention is snatched when a hand lands on his thigh. He glances at Jaehyun’s face that happens to fall from a smile to a slight frown. Jaehyun lightly squeezes his thigh, nose twitching. “His team and our team are doing a joint program together!”
What? A joint program with Velocity?
That’s incredible. He can hardly believe it. As he tries to wrap his head around the idea, the walls spin and shake from the onslaught of screams beside his ear. Talk about fangirling to the max. Even a stadium packed with fans wouldn’t amount to this much noise. The excitement to meet Hyunjin overwhelms him, so he can’t blame the girls for being psyched at all. He understands their emotions far too well, being a fan of Hyunjin himself.
“Calm down!” Coach Pinn yells and glares at them. Everyone instantly quiets down, and the rustle of branches outside a closed window echo inside the room.
“Girls, please focus.” Karla clears her throat. “This program is to learn from your peers. We will pair everyone with a person in their skate category and you will help one another. But it’s also competitive, your partners will be your direct rivals, after all.”
Joy shoots her hand in the air. “You want us to help our rivals? Are y’all insane?”
“Hey, there is nothing wrong with having a friendly rivalry. Plus, it’ll help strengthen the National South Korean team when we compete internationally.” Changbin smiles, good natured and optimistic.
Coach Pinn crosses his arms over his burly chest. “We’ll all move into a new facility in Seoul, and this program will last an entire year. During the time before the season, we’ll host Ice Shows to show off your improvements.”
“Yes! Ice shows!” Karla claps, her voice climbing higher. “It’ll be so fun! Don’t you think, Changbin?”
Changbin nods and nods. “I think this will be a great experience for everyone, and you’ll learn more about yourself and the other people who skate for South Korea. Don’t get too focused on the fact that you’re from enemy teams. Try to enjoy this experience as a whole, alright?”
Felix raises his hand, curiosity seeping out the seams of his thoughts. “Do we get to know who our partner is?”
Pinn darts his eyes toward him. “You’ll find out the day you arrive at the facility. It’ll be on your dorm room door—”
“We have to share a room too!?” Joy interrupts and immediately regrets it. The way Pinn’s eyes shoot lasers at her makes her shrink back. Her voice dies out in a blaze of glory, frying underneath the searing stare. She relents with a pitiful gurgling sound like a dying seal underwater. Felix fights back the laugh that bubbles in his throat. The poor girl simply couldn’t hold it in no matter how hard she tried. It’s endearing in a way.
Pinn carries on, “That’s right, you’ll be sharing a room, and they will be your partner for the remainder of the program. You can not switch. Once the program is over, we’ll return to our teams to examine the results.”
Felix nods. This is a great idea.
He had always admired other figure skaters from other teams but hardly ever conversed with them. Unlike Jaehyun, whose list of friends spanned long and wide, Felix kept his circle small so that he stayed clear of any scandals or unnecessary drama.
“Alright guys, go back and start packing! We leave in three days for the new facility. Make sure you have everything you need.”
Three days is more than enough time to pack. Anticipation boils inside him. He’s ready for this.
Everyone rises from their seats in flurries of conversations as they leave the room. The girls continue to gossip and fangirl over the other team while Jaehyun remains in his chair, eyebrows scrunched together.
“What’s wrong?” Felix asks softly.
Jaehyun sighs. “It’s nothing...” He stands. “Coming with?”
Felix nods, but, there’s a nagging feeling inside his chest. Jaehyun doesn’t lie to him, but somehow, he feels like Jaehyun has been oddly avoidant lately, omitting certain things. Without much he can do, Felix walks with him, hoping to somehow uplift his boyfriend’s despondent mood. For the both of them.
Three days feels like a blink.
When he looks up, palm wrapped around a suitcase handle and duffel bag swung over his shoulder, he can’t believe they’re all finally here. He stands before an enormous facility with wide eyes, a gaping mouth, and a curiosity that stood on the pinnacle of piques.
The bus ride was clunky and uncomfortable but totally worth the stress on his butt, if they’ll be staying in a place that only the rich can afford. The building is grandiose in every sense of the word, boasting its size before the morning sun. Everything about it appears new, clean and modern, turning the buildings beside it into cardboard cutouts from a miniature model.
Excitement thrums inside him and he can’t wait for his boyfriend any longer.
Walking inside, every color imaginable jumps at him at once making his gaze unsteady, landing on every surface, furnishing, and rugs inside the room. He observes everything, everywhere. The ceilings are high with bright fluorescent lighting, and the lobby is so wide that it could easily fit more than a hundred people inside with some room to spare.
The coaches usher the other members into the lobby to wait for their room assignments, but curiosity spurs him forward and he sneaks away from the pack, leaving his bags behind to walk aimlessly around. The amenities are spotless. He peeks through every door and even visits the public restrooms.
The color scheme inspires positivity with firework reds and starry oranges to give a rejuvenating feeling. It reinforces bold and daring actions, bright and energetic, and Felix marvels at the spacious and grand building.
After roaming around for 15 minutes, he reluctantly returns to the main lobby with the assumption that everyone should have arrived by now. And for the most part, his assumption is correct. His coach is in the middle of a roll call as he walks in and hears his name.
“Lee Felix?” Changbin calls, searching around the room.
“Here!” Felix yells, eyebrows lifting.
“Ah, there you are, come here and get your key and room number. We’re the first team here, the other teams should be arriving shortly.”
Felix smiles as he receives his key to his room and asks, “Can we go to our rooms now?”
In a chipper tone, Changbin replies, “Of course. Just follow the signs to the dormitory building and the first number is the floor you’re on. Get settled in, we’ll be having lunch later.” He pats Felix on the shoulder.
“Okay. See you soon, Binnie.”
Changbin rolls his eyes with a playful smirk and lifts his foot to give him a small, light-hearted kick in the butt as Felix skitters away with a whimsical wave. Felix laughs, throwing his head back. He loves teasing his personal coach who’s always sweet and kind, a person who doesn’t know what the term “angry” means. And because of his caring nature, Changbin feels like the big brother that he had always wished for but never had.
For the most part, thinking is very easy. How hard can it be? Simply make a thought.
But, it seems like everything, even his thoughts, have disappeared as he reads the nameplate on the door.
Felix blinks. Blinks. And blinks again.
The names still haven’t changed.
He looks down and reads the room number slowly while mouthing the number before returning his gaze to the door once again. Denial threatens to consume him and he repeats the same action a few times before feeling a silly, lopsided grin on his lips.
His roommate is Hwang Hyunjin. Thee Hwang Hyunjin. The Ice Emperor. The one who shatters everyone’s dreams and the hearts of millions of fangirls and fanboys.
Felix feels giddy as his fingers fumble with the door knob, eager to get inside their dorm room. When he opens the door and steps inside, it’s empty. He stops, disappointed. But then a light bulb flashes and he smacks his forehead.
Of course no one is here. Changbin said they’re the first team to arrive. Feeling like an idiot, he stomps inside and marvels at the more than accommodating unit.
The two sides mirror each other; two beds, drawers, and walk-in closets sit opposite of each other. Newly furnished wood with hints of fresh paint fill his nose as he walks further inside. They must be the first occupants of the room. Small rugs run the length of the wooden floor, two beside their beds and one in the center.
Felix lugs his suitcase inside and gets to work unpacking his things. He brought everything he could think of, from his three piece suit to his cyan, pink and white flowered swim trunks. There’s no harm in having an outfit for every occasion.
Excited, he can’t stop himself from humming as he places clothes in the drawers and hangs up his nicer, more casual clothes in the closet. He removes his teddy bear, Benson, from its confinement, and gives the animal a tight hug before placing it gently in an upright position on his bed. Surely, he’s too old for a stuffed animal, but Benson was a gift from Jaehyun and he holds it dear. Due to his past, he’s always found comfort in soft things, the softness in people and items or plushies. It keeps him calm and at peace.
Next, he inserts his toiletries in the last drawer along with a few washcloths and towels. And before long, everything has been stored away and he smiles.
Flopping into the chair at his desk, he fiddles with the lamp beside him, figuring out how to turn it on before turning it off. He leans back, placing two palms behind his head and thinks about the first time he met Hyunjin.
Well, he didn’t actually meet him per se. But to him, it felt like they had met.
It was four months ago at the 2023 South Korean Figure Skating Championships...
Twinkling eyes, enchanting smiles, and loving words poured from the countless fans who cheered as they watched the medal ceremony. Everyone stood on excited toes waiting for the results, and so did Felix whose eyes stung with tears from each mistake he counted during his routine.
Clumsy as he may be, he still tried his best when performing on the rink. However, sometimes his best simply wasn’t good enough. He was sure there’d be deductions from his fall, and he resigned the idea of gaining a medal. Instead of wallowing in regret, he focused on what he could learn from his mistakes and how to improve.
Those thoughts didn’t stop him from watching with apt attention as they awarded the top three skaters in men’s singles.
On the podium in the highest position stood Hyunjin, head lowered to receive the gold medal. It gleamed against the pure black uniform, his smile practiced, its function simply to hold decorum and nothing more. Despite the hollowness of his gaze, he still held the record for having the most fans. They showed up in droves to support the star whose brilliance beamed brighter than everyone else.
Felix would be a liar if he claimed that jealousy didn’t find him within its grasp. He knew this feeling that swelled up inside as he yearned to stand on that very high platform.
However, he also held a sense of admiration toward Hyunjin’s hard work and dedication to achieve such feats. Extraordinary. Hyunjin’s precision bled through his perfect jumps, calculated movements, and skillful techniques. Hyunjin was a force to be reckoned with, and pitting him as a rival in his heart only made Felix excited.
The ceremony ended and reporters shoved microphones in Hyunjin’s face, but the skater showed patience and benevolence. As a man of few words, he raced straight to the point and didn’t leave room for scandalous questions.
Felix continued to watch, intrigued by Hyunjin’s posture, which stood tall, confident, with an enchanting tilt of his lips that told of his expectant results.
For a brief moment, Felix wondered: Was there ever any doubt for Hyunjin? Any doubt that he wouldn't receive gold? From where he stood, it appeared that Hyunjin knew he’d be there, standing as the best skater with his fans nearly dying over his fleeting and rare smiles.
If Felix could achieve a fraction of that, he could die happily.
He sighed before standing up and visiting the restroom.
Tensions were high and his nerves even higher. This release came at the perfect time, and he was able to rid life’s troubles for a brief moment.
As Felix came out to wash his hands, his footsteps stuttered over the tile, heart skipping and thundering inside his ears.
Hyunjin stood before the bathroom sink, washing his hands thoroughly.
He’d never been this close to Hyunjin. Most of the time, he watched Hyunjin from afar and on the skating rink, but he was never personally close enough to see the contours of his features.
Felix washed his hands two sinks over, gaze steadily shifting to the side, attempting to catch glimpses of Hyunjin without being noticed. Which came easier than he thought. It seemed as if Hyunjin was in his own world and didn’t care for anything, or anyone.
Felix wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Was his presence that much lesser?
Hyunjin dried off his hands and placed a pair of gloves over them before leaving the restroom, sparing not one glance his way. Felix felt a hollow thud in his chest but didn’t understand it. He raised his gaze and was surprised to find Hyunjin’s skating pass sitting on the counter.
With such an opportunity before him, he wouldn’t miss the chance to speak with Hyunjin for anything. He quickly picked up the pass and dashed out the door.
“Excuse me!” Felix called, but Hyunjin ignored him and continued walking. Felix puffed out his cheeks. He didn’t want to yell in such a space, it would attract too many eyes. But he had to grab his attention and called out a bit louder, “Hwang Hyunjin!”
The gold medalist stopped and turned with irritated questions in his brows. No words, simply a look of disinterest. Felix subconsciously browsed his memories in search of anyone who expressed their indifference as intensely.
He found no one.
“You left this in the bathroom just now.” Felix humbly bowed as he handed over the pass.
Hyunjin reached out with a quick grab and gave him a shallow nod before turning on his heels and marching away.
Though brief, it was a moment Felix would never forget. Not even until this day.
Oddly, he didn’t resent Hyunjin for his curt and stoic attitude. He respected him because with such pressure and popularity it must be tough. He didn’t take his lack of words personally and finished gathering his things to leave with his team afterwards…
Metanoia (n.) the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.
Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated. Aiming to update every other Friday! @hfmegaverse