Chapter Text
“I don’t believe it. Tell me again, Evans.”
“So what, I’ll relive my most humiliating moment while you memorize it word for word to report back? No thanks.”
“ Lily ,” Sirius said. She lifted her head from staring at her fidgeting fingers.
She wasn’t actually scared of him spilling all her secrets. By now, Lily knew he would never.
But his whole platonic soulmate-bond-thing with James made this harder. It was difficult to measure the line between them. They were everything to each other. And a year ago she confessed her love for James to Sirius—the one person who never should have kept her secret.
But instead of bolting and telling, Sirius became her friend.
“I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t do that. It was just that…”
“Prongs rejected you.” Sirius finished quietly.
Lily felt like she might throw up. She tightened her death grip on the park bench. No, she didn’t want to think about James recoiling into himself when he’d always been so open and free. But, she could still hear the pricing sound of her too-loud laugh, forced out of her breaking chest in an effort to reassure James.
“I’m telling you, this doesn’t make any sense.”
“Wishful thinking? There’s no conspiracy here. He doesn’t want me. I know you thought differently but—”
“No! I know he did, know he does! This is all very wrong and I don’t understand it.”
Lily closed her eyes. As persistent as Sirius was, he couldn’t will James to love her. There was never any guarantee of required love. She wished she remembered that before. It had been hard not get swept up in Sirius’s excitement.
She remembers when he said “ Don’t worry, I’m doing this for the future Mrs. Prongs, ” when she asked him to hack into Petunia’s email and delete a message she wrote drunk (Sirus was a man of many skills). And when she brought his favorite coffee as a thank you for letting her rant about James, he just replied, “ As long as you and Jamsie name me godfather we’re good. I’m planting the seeds of my future, Evans! ”
It has been five days since Lily told James. Not only did she lose him (though, maybe she never actually had him), she lost Sirius.She misses her and Sirius’s chaotic text chain, rants about shitty siblings, little jokes that warmed her chest, and messy happy hours.There was no question, no sides to pick. She never wanted to endanger his friendship with James. There would be no more casualties from her lovelorn hands.
“Look, there’s nothing to be done. It happened and it fucking sucks.” She took a deep breath, eyes tilting to the treetops. “I’m not sure what he told you and I don’t want to know, but I’m sure he wouldn’t want you here with me.”
“He didn’t tell me shit! All I got was your stupid, cryptic text five days ago, after which you ghosted me ! I had to pester Mary to figure out what the hell was going on!”
Lily cringed. She figured James would have told him everything, definitely more than the flimsy explanation she got. She didn’t want to abandon Sirius. But, she couldn’t see a future where he’d want to be her friend anymore. It was all an elaborate game of pretend, she was never the “ future Mrs. Prongs .” So, texting Sirius a short “ thank you for everything — don’t worry, no hard feelings ” seemed kinder for them both. There was no need for Lily to endure a second rejection.
“Ughh. I was not prepared to do emotions today. Perhaps if you texted me five days ago… Anyways, I was friends with you because I wanted to be. I don’t tend to do things I don’t want to.”
“Right. But you were doing all of that ,” she waved her arms, “for James .”
“Sure but also for you! Yes, he's my best friend but he’s also a bit of an idiot. While I would die for him one thousand times over, I’m allowed to have other friends.”
“Right, but you’re James’s! You’ll always pick him so why even try?”
“But why do I have to pick!”
Lily glanced around suddenly aware that their shaded bench did nothing to hide their yelling.
“Look,” she said tightly. “It’s not that I don’t want to be friends. I just don’t understand why you’re here and not with him.”
“Fine. Yes, he and I understand eachother fully. We have a goddamn friendship contract and would do anything for each other. But the Shitty Siblings Club? The Fucked Fam Team? That’s you and me.”
“Right—”
“And he would never issue an ultimatum on you! He truly cares about you. I have no idea what happened…I’m sorry.”
Lily wanted to correct Sirius. Clearly, James doesn’t care the way he thinks. She’s not sure why he’s committed to believing in their love, especially when the idea repulsed his best friend.
“I’m sorry too,” she said instead.
“See quick solves and apologies. This is why we’re friends.”
“I don’t think my humiliating dissent into heartbeat has a quick fix.”
Sirius thought for a moment.
“Boose?” He offered.
“Unsustainable. Both my liver and my boss wouldn’t be a fan.”
“One night stand?”
“Oh yeah. Because getting it on while being this close to sobbing about a completely different guy screams hot and fun.”
“Witchcraft?”
“No time to learn and deleted TikTok. It’s all spreadsheets emails and plant babies from here on out, my friend.”
“A free escape to a luxury cabin in a quaint beach town?”
“No—wait…That actually sounds like a dream. I love a good old-fashioned exile by the sea.”
“I’m not exiling you. I am however suggesting a week at my late uncle’s obsensely nice cabin. It’s barely gotten any use since I inherited it this winter. And don’t worry, I had it professionally cleaned when he died.”
“ Of course you did .”
“Hey! I’m offering you my cabin!”
“That you never use.”
“Which means it’s in perfect condition. What do you say, Beach Bitch Lily? Or do you prefer Beach Bitch Lily? I can get behind either.”
“Maybe? Can I think about it? I know I can work from anywhere but I don’t want to make things worse by running away.
“Sure, I’ll see you tonight.”
Two hours later and itchy as hell in a black cocktail dress, Lily was determined to reject Sirius’s offer. She had a life here, amidst the rubble: her job as a writer for a national lifestyle magazine, the parks she visited every day, and the friends she saw every week.
But one sudden attitude change didn’t erase heartbreak.
She hasn’t joined in the table’s conversation in over five minutes, the juxtaposition of Alice and Frank’s engagement party piercing her chest.
Sure, everything was fine. But her neck hurt from turning whenever someone walked into the venue. Her hands ached from squeezing when she wondered where James was but couldn’t ask.
“Lils! Thank god you’re here,” Alice said, running towards her.
“Of course! How are you doing? The party’s going great,” Lily said, genuinely happy for her friend.
“Can you do me a favor? Frank’s great-aunt spilled wine on her sweater and even though it’s quite a small stain, she’s pretty upset. Could you get some club soba from the kitchen?” Alice said quickly. “Just ask the staff and say it’s for me if they ask. I really need this night to go well.”
Lily rested her hands on Alice’s shoulders and breathed deeply. “It will. I got you. I’ll be back with club soda soon.”
Bolting to the kitchen, Lily swung the doors open.
“The bride-to-be needs some–”
She froze, just then registering the laugh she heard at the door. She was staring straight at James, hunched over one of the counters. James. With some pretty girl right next to him, eating a sample plater while the gorgeous cook explains each dish. James. Flirting with someone else, someone probably perfect for him a few feet away.
“Hey, Lily! What did you say?”
She wanted to scream. He had been casually eating and flirting and not thinking about her while she was antagonizing over their doomed friendship.
She cleared her throat. “Alice sent me to get some club soda for one of Frank’s relatives.”
James nods, “I think we can make that work. What do you say, Florence, wanna be a hero?” His face was even closer now to the other girl’s—Florence’s—face.
Lily’s chest hurt. James was asserting exactly what he wanted: to forget her confession had ever happened.
Fine, she thought. If this is what James needed, she’d do it. In a few weeks, she would be the best platonic friend and wing woman to James Potter.
But right then? Lily needed to get the hell away.