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When Cas became human, Dean was surprised and also worried. The last time he had been human was when he basically sacrificed himself to help them during the apocalypse. And even then, he hadn’t been completely human, just powerless enough to be close to it.
So, this time, Dean wanted to do things well. They were sticking to the bunker lately. Sam was still recovering from the trials and Kevin was being his anxious self. They needed a break. All of them.
When they finally found Cas, he had been living in the stre ets, dumpster diving for food and sleeping on the cold hard concrete. Dean felt horrible seeing him shivering from the cold.
And now, with everyone in the safety of the bunker, Dean decided he would teach Cas how to be a proper human. And boy, did he need help with that. He had no idea how to do countless things, like shaving, using hygiene products, frying an egg, picking the right clothes for the appropriate temperatures and situations. After he caught Cas trying to shave his beard with the razor upside down, he realized the former angel did not know how to do even the most basic things. Cas was smart, just not human smart. He had never needed to do any of these things before. It was understandable.
So Dean taught him everything he needed to know. He even taught him how to cook. Simple things, but enough for him to stay alive if Sam or Dean weren’t around or had gone to hunt. So now, he knew most things that were essential to survival and all that.
After two weeks of staying home, Dean was out of his mind. He had too much energy and not enough to do. He wasn’t used to not having anything to do. Lately, there hadn’t been many monsters around. Dean had his theories about it, mostly about the fallen angels. Maybe the only positive outcome of having a bunch of celestial beings walking around the earth.
So when Cas came to his room, asking Dean to answer some questions, Dean didn’t think anything of it. He sat down on his bed and waited patiently. Cas closed the door behind him, which Dean found a little odd, but didn’t say anything.
Cas didn’t even wait to sit down before he asked.
“Dean, how can I have sex?”
That was most definitely not where Dean thought this was going. Somehow, throughout this whole thing, Dean had managed to dodge the Sex Ed. He definitely thought Sam was better at answering questions like this. Dean might be the one getting the most laid, but Sam was more educated.
“Ok.” he said, carefully. “Um… How… I actually don’t know what you want from me? Are you asking how I can get you laid? Like, be your wingmen?”
Castiel walked a little closer. He sat down next to Dean with hesitation. He looked almost shy. Dean never saw him like this. Cas was always very straightforward about things. Dean could still remember how he had sat down in front of the TV and watched porn with Sam and Dean still in the room.
“No… I mean, yes, I do want your help with that,” he said. “But I also want to know how… how to please a partner. Much of what I know about sex is about the procreation aspect of it.”
Now that was something Dean was well aware of. Castiel was intelligent, and he’d been alive way long before humans even existed. Sure, he knew even how to tell when someone was feeling pain and how to treat it. But his knowledge of humans still leaned towards the technical. When it came to cultural and social aspects, he was like a newborn baby, learning his way around the world.
“Cas… what do you want to know exactly?” he asked. “Do you want me to give you tips? I would tell you to just watch porn, but many things in porn are unrealistic, so that might not be as educational as you need it to be. So, just give it to me straight. What are you confused about?”
Castiel was sitting by his side, looking the most timid Dean had ever seen him. He looked a lot like how he did when Dean had taken him to a brothel. At that time, the hunter had found it funny, but now not so much.
“I want to know how… to make someone reach orgasm.” he said. “I know where to touch, but not so much how. And what people like to hear during sex. I’ve been told I speak too formally. I understand that’s not how people talk in intimacy.”
Dean felt his heart speed up while hearing Cas say something like this. The angel was always so stuck up and serious. Even after he rebelled, this was something that stuck with him.
“Ok. So you want you to know how to make women come?” he asked. “I can teach you that. But with the language thing, I’m not sure if I can do anything.”
“What about… with men?” Cas asked in a whisper. “Not with women.”
That made Dean almost choke on his own saliva. If Cas hadn’t been just right beside him, Dean would’ve thought he had misheard it. Cas liked men? The angel was like… gay? Dean never thought Cas had different preferences than he did. Sure, maybe a different type, not a whole different gender. Somehow, that knowledge made him shiver to his very core.
“Ok, um… I’m actually not sure I can help with that.” Dean said. “I never… I haven’t done anything with men before, Cas. I like women.”
Cas, looked down.
“Oh.” He spoke quietly. “I know you like women… I just thought maybe… It doesn’t matter.”
They fell into an uncomfortable silence. Dean really didn’t mean to make Cas tense, but that just wasn’t his area of expertise. Perhaps Cas should ask Sam about this. He was all educated and stuff. He went to Stanford and had a bunch of friends, some of which might have been gay. Not only that, but he had gender studies classes. Sam sure as hell had a better chance and knowing about this stuff than Dean.
“Cas,” he spoke, carefully. “I know this isn’t the answer you wanted, but maybe you should look for someone else for this. Or the internet. Sam can give you his laptop for now until we buy you one.”
The angel nodded slowly and got up from the bed.
“Thank you, Dean.” He said. “I’ll look for someone else.”
For some reason, that made Dean frown, feeling a little upset. He was the one who had suggested that Cas looked for answers elsewhere. Even knowing that Cas was looking to know these things not out of curiosity, but he intended to have sex with men sometime in the future. That thought made Dean even more uneasy. Would Cas ask for his help to find hookups? Would he go out to bars looking for someone to go home with? Would he actually have sex with strange men?
Dean didn’t want him to do that. Cas was just… too pure, too innocent. He shouldn’t deal with random men in bars. They were sketchy as hell. What if they hurt him?
Dean ignored how hypocritical this line of thought was. He was one of those men in the bar, looking to lucky. He had done it hundreds of times. So maybe he knew Cas was just too good for that. Too good for something like him.
The angel left his room without saying another word. Dean just stood there. He felt so conflicted. He had wanted for Cas to live happily. Ever since Cas had turned into a human, he wanted him to experience everything good there was in life, and of course, that included sex and romance. But somehow, this new revelation made Dean troubled.
He was pretty sure he wasn’t homophobic. Sure, he had gay friends. Charlie was gay. And Dean loved her like a sister. He didn’t think she was different because of it. He didn’t feel this upset about the thought of Charlie going to bars and picking up girls.
Was this just because Cas was a man? Did Dean just hate gay man? No, that couldn’t be right. He never gave much thought to other men. He had met a few gay hunters before. Gay classmates when he was in high school. And he never thought anything about it. He was fine with it.
But those people were never this close. Never one of his friends. Just people he knew from places he went to; cases he solved. So maybe this was what was different. The angel was his best friend. Aside from Sam, there was no one closer. He trusted him with his life. And now, after years of friendship, Dean had just found out Cas was attracted to men.
God, Dean was really a piece of shit. He was upset with the fact that his best friend liked men and wanted to have sex with men and maybe even date a man, or marry one. God, no. Even the thought of having to attend Cas’ wedding made Dean want to smash someone’s face in. Oh, he was so damn horrible.
Righteous man, huh? My ass.
***
Dean didn’t just let that go. He tried. God, he tried. But the thought of Cas having a sexual life for some reason bothered him.
Ever since he became human and came to the bunker, he had started exercising, saying that his body was now as weak as of a human, and he needed to keep it in shape to be able to help on hunts. Dean didn’t want him to go hunting with them. The thought of this fragile version of Cas getting anywhere near a monster made his blood run cold.
First, he started just going on morning runs with Sam, but after, he said he wanted to actually work out in a gym. Dean said it would be dangerous for him to go alone, since other fallen angels were out there and could be looking for him. Cas seemed upset at that, so the hunter suggested they just build a gym in the bunker. So for the past few days, they have been going into town and picking up some stuff. Smaller things at first, like some weights, a yoga mat and some gym clothes. Cas wanted to buy some machines as well, but Dean explained that for bigger purchases, they had to space them out a little or else the companies would find it suspicious. They were using a fake credit card, after all, they couldn’t just go and buy whatever they wanted.
So, they would have to fill out this home-gym with patience. And that’s how they ended up spending so much time together. They would go to town to shop for things, and when they were at home, they were renovating the room where the gym would be. Dean was spending most of his waking hours with Cas. And sure, it’s not like that wasn’t already a reality before, but things were different now. At least, it was for Dean. Cas seemed to be doing just fine. But Dean was constantly having a crisis in his mind.
Every time Cas smiled at him, Dean couldn’t help but think about the possibility that he could find Dean attractive. Did he like Dean? He said he liked men. Dean was a man. Or maybe he wasn’t the angel’s type.
Dean couldn’t decide which possibility was the worst one.
Today, they decided to buy a treadmill. It had been raining a lot for the past few days, which messed up with Cas and Sam’s running routine. It was their first machine, and Dean made sure to leave the space for it in their DIY gym.
Like usual, Dean and Cas headed out to town to buy it. There were only a few stores that sold this sort of equipment, but Dean was positive they would find it. It was only a simple treadmill, nothing fancy.
They walked into the first store they found and started looking around. Someone came to help them.
At first, Dean was really focused on trying to find the best treadmill for Cas. He deserved something reliable. He wasn’t exactly a health freak like his brother, but he had been doing some research on it to better help Cas with building his workout space.
But then he noticed the salesman smiling at Cas and talking to him while standing awfully close.
Oh, shit.
That man was… hitting on Cas, wasn’t he? He was doing it in broad daylight, in front of everyone there. Not even his colleagues seemed too surprised. Was this something he did frequently? Was he some kind of player?
And the worst thing was: Cas seemed to be into it. He was smiling back and talking to the guy, telling him about how he had started to work out. He wasn’t exaggerating it like many guys do. He was just genuinely happy to tell the man about how he was excited to have this gym in his home. Dean couldn’t tell if Cas understood that he was being hit on or not. He could just think the guy was being nice and friendly, and Cas liked him.
Dean didn’t like the fact that Cas seemed to like him. Could he not see that that man was not good for him? Who hits on someone while working?
Dean did. Again, he was forgetting he was the type of guy he wanted Cas to stay away from.
“I think I already know which one we’re going to buy.” He said. “Cas, you go pay and I’ll help the man load it into the car.”
The angel looked at him a little confused, but nodded and walked away.
Dean watched as the man helped him with the box and the heavy equipment, loading it to the back of the car. Knowing they would have to carry the package home, Dean had picked another car from the bunker’s garage. A pickup.
After paying, Cas came back to meet them. With the product paid and the box secured, Dean tried to hurry things up. After a few minutes, they both left in silence.
Dean couldn’t let it go. The way Cas was laughing at that man, how he was comfortable. The angel, who had admitted not long ago that he was gay, and was now getting flirted with by men.
He couldn’t protect Cas from guys like that forever. And one day, Cas wouldn’t be this innocent anymore. He would go out and have hookups, or even date someone seriously. He was a human now. He could live a normal human life. What if he wanted to move out of the bunker eventually? What if he decided living this dangerous life as a human was not what he wanted? Would he really leave, to be with someone else?
Dean gripped the steering wheel harder and tried to shake off those thoughts. Cas wouldn't do that. He wouldn’t just abandon Dean and Sam for some other dude. Even though he had made plenty of mistakes, he had always done it out of loyalty and goodness. Cas had always been a loyal friend, even when Dean was a dick to him.
Even if Cas eventually started dating, he wouldn’t just abandon the Winchesters. Even though it wouldn’t bring him any good, he would stay. Dean knew that. He’s just being insecure. And when he’s insecure, he doubts people. Cas didn’t deserve to deal with his bullshit, however. So, Dean was going to shut up about it. If the angel wanted to date, then Dean would just shut up and support him because that’s what friends do.
They got home and set the treadmill in the room. Cas was really happy about it, and Dean was happy that Cas was happy. Sam stopped by to see how things were going and asked if he could also use the equipment. Cas said yes.
For some reason, that bothered Dean. It was stupid. Now, Sam and Cas had more in common. They worked out together and went grocery shopping at the farmer’s market. Dean was just feeling like him and the angel didn’t have a lot in common anymore.
Cas wasn’t particularly fond of the hunter life. He didn’t like western movies like Dean did. He liked classic rock, but that wasn’t a big interest. They didn’t have the same taste in literature. Dean barely read, to be honest. God, Cas didn’t even like the same gender as Dean. They had nothing in common.
That knowledge set something ugly and uncomfortable in his belly. Again, he felt that sense of insecurity coming back. Cas didn’t really have any excuse to spend time with him.
It was like he was a kid again, seeing that no one wanted to play with him. Dean was used to feeling alone. When Sam had left him, things had been very bad for him. With his dad on his own hunts and Sam at Stanford, Dean had been left alone by himself. He had told people it was fine. He lied about having a grand old time, but really he had never felt so horrible. Despite the way they grew up, Dean did not like being alone. He hated it. As a kid, he always had either his dad or Sam with him. Not having them both by his side felt like there was something missing. Something important.
The hunter turned around and left, while Sam and Cas stayed inside, talking about exercising together the next day.
***
A few days later, Dean felt better. Cas had suggested they watched a movie together. Normally, the hunter would jump on the opportunity to make Cas watch another old western movie with him, but this time, Dean wanted Cas to actually enjoy their time together so he told the angel it was his pick.
And of course, Cas decided to watch some documentary about wildlife. Cas was always a little fascinated by animals and insects. Dean never quite understood.
“Cas, why do you love these documentaries so much?” he asked right as the movie started. “I thought you already knew everything there was about all animals on Earth.”
Cas swallowed the popcorn.
“I do, technically,” he said. “But I never really had the time to observe them. My job was always focused on humans. All the times I came down to Earth were either to fight in a war, protect humans from disaster or do some other human related job. And as soon I was done with my duty, I was asked to return to Heaven. As angels, we were taught to never waste time. Especially not while wearing a vessel. This is the longest I’ve ever worn a vessel before.”
Dean nodded. Although he knew Cas hadn’t really spent a lot of time down here, he thought he would be observing Earth from up there. In Dean’s head, Cas was sitting on a cloud, watching everything from above, like Earth was just a continuous TV show or something. But apparently, the dude had just worked his entire life. Never allowed free time. That was sad. Was this the first time he was living just for the sake of it? Without having to serve anyone? The angel was so old and yet so inexperienced.
“How many vessels have you had?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Hundreds? Thousands?” Cas said, without taking his eyes off the TV. “I lost count at some point. Most of them I only used for a few hours or days. There was one I only used for a few minutes to deliver a message to a human.”
“Which one was your favorite?”
“Hm… I’m not sure.” the angel said. “I don’t think I have favorites. All my vessels have served me well. It’s not something I notice particularly. When I was an angel, my vessel’s physical characteristics didn’t matter much to me.”
The more Cas answered, the more questions Dean came up with. He had always been curious about how angels worked and how they thought. But they never really had time for these sorts of talks.
“Doesn’t it affect your strength or whatever? Like when you possessed Claire, for example? She was just a kid. Surely, that would make you weaker, no?”
“No. The age and gender of the vessels doesn't affect my strength at all. I was just as strong as a child as I was as an adult. The same goes for male and female vessels.”
That made Dean stop for a second.
“You’ve been a woman before?” he asked, a little hesitant for some reason.
“A more correct description would be that I have possessed females. I have never been a woman, just how I have never been a man. Angelic genders are different from human ones.”
“So you’re not a dude?”
“I am not.”
“Then what are you?”
Dean didn’t mean to ask it that way, but he was really curious. This was the first time he felt comfortable enough to ask. And somehow, now that Cas wasn’t an angel anymore, asking these questions felt less like he was asking estate secrets or something.
“Angelic genders are more related to rank and authority than biology or arbitrary roles. I’m a Seraph, a high-ranking one. Trying to explain it to a human is difficult. It’s more about having the ability to dominate other angels. Some angels can only be dominant, some can only be submissive, and some, like me, can do both.”
Dean narrowed his eyes and tried to ignore the fact the Cas basically told him he’s a switch.
“So angels are literal walking BDSM roles?”
For the first time since this whole conversation started, Cas turned around to look at him and rolled his eyes.
“No, Dean, angelic genders are not about sex.” he said, and Dean chose to ignore the fact that Cas seemed to know what BDSM was. “Not usually, at least. Some angels can use these abilities for sex, if they want to, but I believe the intended purpose was just to keep the hierarchy in Heaven consistent.”
Yeah, that seemed to make more sense. Of course, angels wouldn’t have built in fetish roles. Dean needed to get his head out of the gutter before he said something embarrassing.
Without being asked more questions, Cas just went back to watching his documentary. Dean honestly wasn’t paying much attention, he was focusing too much on how Cas was acting.
He had said that as a Seraph, he had the ability to both dominate and submit, and that those abilities could be used for sex if he wanted to. But Cas wasn’t an angel anymore, so how did that work as a human? Could he really use that during sex? Dean had tried to ignore it, but fighting the image of Cas being dominating in bed was hard. Or what about him being submissive? He did say he could do both.
Would Cas be kinky in bed? He said it wasn’t like BDSM, but would he like that sort of thing? Dean had never done really hardcore kink stuff, but he knew about it. Honestly, the kinkiest thing he had done during sex was probably wearing some girl’s panties.
But he never tried anything around dominance. Sure, some girl liked him to take the lead and some girls liked to boss him around a bit. But it always felt like just playing. Teasing. Never quite the way he would think dominance play went.
And now thinking about Cas being dominant in bed… He could imagine it. Even if the angel was always this goofy nerdy dude when he was around them, Dean had seen him fight, and he had seen him beat down other angels to a pulp. Cas was a warrior. A powerful being, beyond Dean’s comprehension. It shouldn’t shock Dean so much that he could be very dominant with others.
Honestly, Dean felt curious. He almost wished he could see it himself.
But then he pushed down those thoughts. It’s not like he could just sit back and watch Cas have sex with someone else. No. Someone, period.
Ok, time to think of something else. This was getting weird.
The documentary ended and Cas told Dean he could put one of his western movies if he wanted. Dean gladly obliged. He had seen these movies hundreds of times before, but he always liked to watch them with Cas. He would introduce them to the characters, explain social and cultural things he didn’t understand, talk about the actors and the music. It was fun.
After around twenty minutes of the movie had started, Dean heard a sound. Cas grabbed his phone, and the light from the screen felt too bright now that they had gotten used to the darkness of the room. Cas lowered the brightness, then started typing.
Dean couldn’t see what he was doing from this angle. It didn’t seem like he was just browsing. From how much he was typing, it seemed like he was chatting with someone. Did Cas have other friends? Dean had never seen him talking to other people before. Sure, he met some people through Dean and Sam while they worked cases, but Dean had never seen him go out with anyone.
“Cas, you’re not even paying attention to the movie.” he said, annoyed that someone else was keeping Cas busy during their time together.
“I’m sorry. Conan just wants to know when I’m getting off work.” he answered without looking at Dean. “I’ll be done with this in a second.”
Dean frowned.
“Who’s Conan?” he asked. “And you don’t have a job.”
“Conan is that salesman we met at the store that sold treadmills.” Cas answered, putting his phone back in his pocket. “And he asked me about my life, but you told me I’m not supposed to tell people I’m an angel, so I lied. I told him I’m a manager at a grocery store.”
It was like something hot and acid just started going through Dean’s veins instead of blood. So, all this time, Cas had just been chatting up with that douchebag from the store? Dean thought he had intervened, but apparently not fast enough.
“Cas… I don’t think you should go out with him.” he said.
The angel turned to look at him with a frown.
“Why not?” he said. “He’s nice.”
Dean adjusted himself on the couch, uncomfortable and not knowing how to tell Cas that he shouldn’t hang out with assholes without accidentally including himself in the picture.
“He’s not the type of man you would want for a serious relationship.” he said in the end. “He seemed to sleep around a lot.”
Cas continued, looking confused.
“I don’t think the time we spent on that store was enough for you to determine that.”
“Well, I have more experience with this sort of thing, so I know better.”
“Because… you ‘sleep around a lot’ too?” Cas asked, sounding a little sassy. “That’s hypocritical, Dean.”
Ok, so mission failed. But it didn’t matter if Cas knew Dean was a douchebag. Dean needed to protect his friend and teach him how to be better. Cas should not follow Dean’s footsteps. Especially if he was going to hook up with men. He needed to be more careful.
“Even if he sleeps around, as you say, it does not matter to me.” he said. “It’s not like I’m looking for a relationship. I’m only looking for sex.”
Dean almost gagged in his own saliva.
“What?”
“I said I don’t think it matters if he’s not good for a serious commitment because I’m only looking for casual sex.”
“Yeah, I heard that,” Dean said, exasperated. “What I don’t get is why would you want to lose your virginity to someone you barely know!”
Cas rolled his eyes.
“I do remember you taking me to a brothel to lose my virginity, Dean.”
“That was different!”
“How?”
“It wasn’t with a man!”
“And how would that make a difference?”
Dean’s tone was getting higher. He needed to calm down or Sam would hear them.
“Because… because men are pigs!” he said. “You need to be careful with them. You should lose your virginity to someone you can trust.”
Cas rolled his eyes again.
“Thank you for worrying about me, Dean, but I can protect myself.” he said steadily, then turned around to look at the screen again. “And it’s not like you can lose your virginity twice.”
Dean's brain stopped working for a bit, and it took him a few seconds to finally grasp the meaning of those words.
“What?!” He asked, fully turning around to look at Cas. “What do you mean you're not a virgin? You told me you were.”
“I was, and now I'm not anymore.” He said. “I believe that's how it works, correct?”
Dean just felt like a rock had been dumped on top of his head. He felt stupid, like his brain was having technical issues.
“But how?”
“I had sex.”
“HOW?”
“I think you already know how sex works, Dean.”
“I mean, when?” He asked. “Just a couple of weeks ago, you were asking me how to please someone in bed, and now you're telling me you got laid? And you didn't even tell me?”
Cas shrugged.
“You told me to look for answers somewhere else. You told me you weren't the right person to answer those questions.” He said. “I did what you said, and I found someone else.”
“I told you to ask someone else about sex with men, not to actually have sex!”
“I did ask him a lot of questions.” He said. “And then I decided to have sex with him. Learning from practice seemed like the best approach.”
Dean couldn’t quite process everything he was hearing.
“Cas, I know you're still learning, but it's not safe to have sex with strangers.” He said. “Especially if you don't know what you're doing.”
“You do that all the time.” Cas replied. “And Sam's not a stranger, Dean.”
Dean stared at him for a full ten seconds in silence.
What
the
fuck!
“You fucked my brother?!” He screamed as he got up from the couch.
In the back of his head, a part of him was telling him to keep it quiet and to not blame Cas. The logical part of his brain was telling him that was for the best and that at least he knew Cas had his first time with someone he trusted.
Well, fuck the logical part of his brain. It didn’t know shit!
“I wouldn’t use such crude description, but yes, we did have sex,” Cas paused the movie, then turned to face him. His expression full of confusion, like he genuinely didn’t know what was the problem, which Dean believed to be true. “I don’t understand why this upsets you.”
Dean rubbed his face.
“Because he's my brother, Cas,” he said. “And you just don’t fuck your best friend’s brother. That’s just something you don’t do.”
“Why?” the angel asked. “Is this another one of those social cues I don’t understand?”
Dean looked at him, exasperated.
“Yes!” he almost screamed.
Castiel finally seemed to understand that he had done something wrong. To be honest, if Dean wasn’t so fucked in the head, he would feel bad about upsetting Cas. He didn’t understand these sorts of things. Dean had told him to learn this shit from someone else. He had sent him away. And now, Cas, who had barely any knowledge about these “unspoken rules” and taboos, had done something Dean didn’t like.
And the funniest thing was, Dean didn’t even know Sam liked men. His brother had never told him. Well, judging from how weird Dean was acting with Cas, he could guess why Sam decided to keep that information to himself. He probably expected Dean to act like an ass to him. Honestly, it wouldn’t be the first time Dean had said the wrong shit to Sam. He still would call him Samantha and make jokes about him being gay.
But even if he felt guilty about all this, the hunter still felt angry about Sam being with Cas. As much as he wanted to support Cas, this was just too far. He should be happy. Two people he loved were into each other. This was honestly the best-case scenario. Sam always wanted to marry someone one day, but in this life, things like that were complicated. But with Cas, it would be easy. Cas was part of the life. It’s not like Sam would have to hide this part of himself like he did with Jess. The situation was perfect. He should be happy for his brother and his best friend.
And yet, here he was, almost ripping his hair off. He couldn’t stay here anymore, he just couldn’t. Not while Cas was staring at him with those confused and yet hurt way. Dean felt guilty for being mad, but it’s not like he could help it.
So he turned around and left. He heard Cas call for him, but he ignored it. He just couldn’t face Cas at that moment.
Honestly, he didn’t even truly know why he was mad. It’s not like Cas had done anything wrong. And Dean didn’t tell him Sam was off limits. It’s not like he could control Cas or Sam’s sex lives. Logically, his anger wasn’t justified.
He walked around the corridors in the bunker, not exactly knowing where he was going, but knowing he needed to walk. At some point, he reached Sam’s room. He stood in front of the closed door for a moment, thinking if he should really do this, but eventually, he opened the door and walked in.
Sam was sitting at his desk, reading a book. When he saw Dean walk in, he frowned.
“You gotta learn how to knock, Dean,” he said. “Just because I don’t lock my door that you can just burst in.”
“Did you fuck Cas?” Dean asked, suddenly.
Sam’s eyes widened so much, Dean almost found it comic. If it wasn’t for the rotten mood in the room, he would’ve laughed and teased Sam about it. But his brother had fucked his best friend, and now Dean just needed to hear him confirm it.
“What?” Sam asked, still a little shocked to talk normally. “Cas told you that?”
“He said you two had sex.”
Sam breathed in slowly and fixed his posture, then he ran a hand through his hair.
“Well… we didn’t really… go all the way.” he said. “So, technically, I didn’t fuck him.”
Honestly, that didn’t make it any better. Dean walked to the bed and sat down. He needed a drink. He would much rather be having this conversation with a beer — or better yet a bottle of whiskey — in his hand, but he doubted Sam would follow him to the kitchen and finish the conversation there.
“Why did you do that?” he asked.
Sam stared at him like he was talking crazy.
“What—”
“ Why ?” Dean knew he was being creepy, but he just needed to know.
Sam shrugged.
“I like him,” Sam said. “And he asked. I didn’t see any reason to deny the request.”
That just… wasn’t good enough. He wanted an actual answer, not this inconspicuous crap. It was too normal, too casual.
“You like him?” he asked. “That’s it?”
“What do you want me to say, Dean?” Sam started, sounding frustrated. “Cas is an attractive guy, and honestly, I am interested. He asked me to have sex with him, and I saw no reason to not agree. I took the opportunity and that’s that.” He said that, then turned around to face the desk again, but not before whispering: “It’s not like you were gonna do it.”
Dean frowned.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.”
“No, I definitely heard that,” he said and got up. “What did you mean by that?”
Sam turned around again, sighing.
“Ok, fine,” he spoke. “I decided that since you weren’t gonna take a shot, then I would. I’m tired of waiting for you to make a decision, man. I told myself I wouldn’t do anything because you and Cas were meant to be or whatever, but honestly, shit’s getting tired. You weren’t gonna make a move, clearly, so I decided to be a little selfish for once.” He sounded irritated now. “So yeah, we had sex, and it was good. Does that answer your question?”
Dean was stuck there. That was not what he had been expecting at all. Was Sam insinuating what he thought he was? Because, that just didn’t make sense at all. Why would Dean make a move? What was he even saying?
“Wait, you’re saying you didn’t ask Cas out before because you thought I would?” Dean asked, just confirming the nonsense Sam was implying.
Sam rolled his eyes.
“Dean, look, I know you have issues with the whole macho thing you have going on, ok?”
“I don’t.”
“You do. You really do.” Sam continued. “So, I waited. I waited to see if you get your head out of your ass for years, but you never did. I’ve liked Cas for a long time now, but I thought we never had a chance because you and him had a ‘profound bond’ or whatever. He always liked you better anyway. I thought I didn’t have a chance, so I stood aside and let you two meet in the middle.”
Dean felt like something was crawling under his skin with how much he wanted to move. And yet, something was making him stay still where he was. Maybe it was shock. He couldn’t tell.
“But you never did. I waited and waited, and you just kept treating Cas like a friend and saying he was like your brother. That shit was uncomfortable to watch, by the way.” Sam said. “So, honestly, I’m not gonna wait for you to decide anymore. If you’re not gonna make a move on Cas, then I will. He deserves someone who at least has the balls to ask him out and admit it.”
Dean didn’t even know what to say. Sure, he was close to Cas, always been. They had a rocky start, but it didn’t take long at all for them to get close. But not like that. They were just friends. Best friends.
“I’m not gay.” said Dean.
“I didn’t say you were.”
“And I didn’t know you were gay.”
“I’m not.”
This conversation was getting too confusing. Dean felt overwhelmed with all the information he was getting. Between Cas losing his virginity to Sam, of all people, and being informed that Sam thought Dean was interested in the angel. Surely, his brain felt like it was having an issue processing everything.
“Ok, back up a little,” he spoke. “Why did you think I was gonna take a shot in the first place?”
Sam rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on,” said Sam. “You two are like the type of romance we see on TV, man. Cas has sacrificed everything just to be by your side. And don’t tell me he did it for humanity or for us because that’s just not true. He did it for you . He might like me, fine. We’re friends. But he doesn’t feel the same way I do. He loves you, not me.” His brother looked away for a moment. “And I know you feel the same. Dean, I know it. You can deny all you want. Don’t even get me started on the whole sexuality thing. I didn’t know I like men either, Dean. As far as I know, he’s the only one. He’s not even really a man, he’s an angel in a male vessel. Maybe that means anything, I don’t know and honestly, I don’t care anymore.”
Dean needed a beer. He really did.
So, Cas and Sam had sex. Cas lost his virginity to Dean’s brother. Sam was apparently in love with the angel. Sam thought Dean was also in love with Cas.
Normally, Dean would have never even questioned it. He would’ve never had thought about it. But, now that Sam had said the quiet part out loud, it was hard to ignore it. It would explain how weird he had felt about Cas wanting to go out and have relationships with guys. He thought it was like homophobia or something. Which now seemed stupid.
He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face.
“Shit,” he said. “Shit, shit, shit!”
Sam laughed. He fucking laughed. Dean was having the realization of a lifetime, and his brother laughed .
Dean looked at him dead in the eye, and Sam raised his arms.
“I’m not judging,” he said. “Ok, maybe a little bit. But you’re taking it so much better than I did, so don’t worry. When I realized I liked Cas? Dude, I felt like a freak. Well, even more of a freak. First, because he’s an angel and I thought I was being a pervert, and later because you and him started having eye sex every time you were in a room together.”
It explained so much. Dean wanted this to not make sense, but he wasn’t stupid. Now that the truth had been thrown in his face, it was difficult to stop seeing it in all of his memories with Cas. It was like a whole new perspective was given to him, resignifying every experience, conversation, hug. He felt vulnerable and, at the same time, relieved.
And most surprisingly, he didn’t feel jealous.
Sure, learning that Cas and Sam had fucked didn’t exactly make Dean’s chest fill up with happiness. It was still shocking. But he didn’t feel that jealousy that was expected in this situation.
“If you liked him first, why didn’t you go for it?” he asked. “I mean, you said it yourself. I wasn’t doing anything, so it was fair game.”
Sam sighed, looking sad.
“Honestly? I didn’t wanna ruin it for you.” he said. “I got to have a normal life, at least for a while. But you? You’ve always been hunting, that’s all you know. I knew that if you were ever going to settle down with anyone, it would be with someone in the life. Cas was perfect. Even if he’s nor an angel anymore, you wouldn’t have to worry about secrets or him not accepting the hunter thing. He knows everything we’ve been through.”
It made sense, but it didn’t make Dean happy to hear it. His brother had spent years ignoring his feelings for someone, just because he thought Dean deserved it better. That’s fucked up.
“And what about you?” He asked.
“What about me?”
“If I had started going out with Cas,” Dean spoke carefully. “Where would that have left you?”
Sam took longer to answer this question.
“I already had my chance at love,” he said. “More than once, actually. It never ends well. I’m not sure I’m built for it, to be honest. It always goes to shit real fast. I would just stay here. Or maybe I would move somewhere else and give normal life another shot. I don’t know.”
Dean hated hearing that.
“It could work now. You could have him now.”
Sam shook his head.
“No, I can’t.” he said. “The only reason I said yes to having sex with him is because I know he doesn’t want me like that. He doesn’t feel the same way. I accepted it because I thought that if you ended up realizing later on that you liked him, this thing wouldn’t have mattered. Maybe, you would have never even found out anything happened between us. By then, it would probably be too insignificant to mention.”
Dean never felt so conflicted in his life. Normally, he would be so jealous. He was a monogamous man, he wanted to be sure the person he loved was exclusive. But this was different somehow. He liked Cas, could even say he loved him. And here he was being sympathetic for his brother, who just had sex with the angel. Sam was probably expecting him to either deny all his feelings and tell Sam to go ahead with Cas, or for Dean to say he wanted to pursue Cas by himself, leaving Sam with no choice but to back off.
But that’s just not how he was feeling. Why couldn’t both of them pursue the angel? Even Dean thought this idea was insane, but maybe it could work. If it were anyone else, he would’ve been jealous, but this is Sam. He knew his brother would never hurt Cas, at least not intentionally. Hell, he probably would be better for the angel than himself.
“I wouldn’t mind,” he said, at last. “If you went ahead with Cas, I mean.”
Sam actually looked surprised at that. He looked at Dean in silence for a moment, and the eldest questioned if that was the wrong thing to say. Sometimes, with Sam, the right thing was far from it. Their dad used to think it was just Sam being more “difficult”, but reality was that he just dealt with emotions a little better than Dean and John ever did. He knew when stuff was not as good as Dean made it sound. The lies never quite worked with him. He always knew.
Dean was glad when Sam spoke up and there wasn’t a hurt expression on his face.
“Would… Would you really be okay with that?” Sam asked.
Dean sighed. This was not the type of conversation he thought he would be having. But the look on Sammy’s face… He could tell his brother really cared about Cas. He had been ready to give up on that future just so Dean could have a shot. There was hope all over his face.
Dean was never good at denying Sam anything.
“I want you to be happy, Sam.” he said. “And let’s be honest. Even if I admit to… being interested in Cas like that, I still don’t think I can just act on it. It still feels wrong somehow. But if you want to be with him, you should give it a shot, Sam. A real one. Casual stuff was never your thing. Go for the real deal.”
Sam was looking at him with a shocked expression. Then he walked up to Dean and gave him a hug, tight.
“Thank you, Dean,” he said. “And I’m sorry you don’t feel like you can be yourself. Hope it works out for you too.”
“It's fine. Don’t worry about me,” he said and pushed Sam away softly. “Go to him. I freaked out earlier when he told me. He must be thinking he did something terrible or something. Go take your shot.”
Sam smiled at him and nodded. He was out of the door the next second. Dean just stood there, feeling like an idiot.
How could he have not realized Sam’s feelings? Now that he knew, it was so obvious. Sam had always looked at Cas like he was something precious. Dean thought that was because he was an angel and Sam was a nerd. But, now he knew. What his brother felt for Cas was a lot more than just curiosity, more than friendship. Sam was in love with him.
But even worse than not realizing this about his brother was the fact that Dean failed to see his own feelings. His own jealousy over the angel. He always called Cas a best friend or a bother. He now knew that was far from the truth. Sure, Cas was his friend, but he was also so much more.
Dean had lost a lot of friends before, but the feeling of losing Cas was always the worst. It felt like a piece of him was also dying.
And now, he had just sent his brother after the man he loved. He sure as hell was fucked in the head.
***
Turns out, Sam was much quicker at the draw than Dean had expected. The next day, he saw him leaving Cas’ room. His hair was all messy, and he was wearing one of the new shirts Cas had bought for himself. It looked really tight and small on Sam, but the man didn’t look like he cared. The pants looked a little loose, though. Cas had bigger thighs.
Dean shook his head. He shouldn’t be thinking of that. Cas was Sam’s… boyfriend or whatever now. He told Sam it was ok for him to go for it, so he should at least have the decency to not think like that of Cas.
Dean was finishing breakfast when Sam showed up, showered and was wearing his own clothes.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Morning.” Dean responded.
They both sat in silence for a second. Dean started putting the food on the table.
“So… you and Cas, you’re like a couple now?”
Sam took a sip of this coffee, then looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“I mean… yes.” he said. “I told him I liked him and wanted to date him. He kissed me and we slept together. Is that enough for an answer?”
Yes. Yes, it was.
“Well, congratulations, little brother,” he said. “You finally have a boyfriend. It just took you thirty years.”
“Oh, shut up.”
They laughed, but Dean wasn’t really feeling good.
He wasn’t jealous. Not really. It’s not like he didn’t want Sam to date Cas. He wanted them to be happy. He was glad that they had found each other. But he also… felt left out. Like the two now had something he didn’t. Like they were part of an exclusive club Dean wasn’t allowed in.
Cas walked into the kitchen, stopping his thoughts on the matter.
The former angel looked… well, to simply put, well fucked. There wasn’t another way to describe him. His hair was a mess, his eyes looked a little swollen from sleep still, and he was wearing Sam’s shirt. Just Sam's shirt. As far as Dean could see, underneath that, Cas was only wearing boxers.
Dean gulped and had to stop himself from staring. Now that he finally realized his own feelings, it was hard to look at Cas and not see him. The former angel was attractive as hell. And here he was, in the morning after a good fuck, looking so pleased with himself. How could Dean not look?
The problem here was that the reason Cas looked like that was sitting right in front of him, drinking coffee. His brother.
He had a feeling this would become messy.
***
Dean needed to take a drive. He couldn’t breathe inside this bunker any longer. Even if it was true that this was all his fault, he never knew how suffocated he would’ve felt watching his brother and Cas be happy together. They looked like they were on their honeymoon. All whispers and closeness. Dean caught them kissing twice. The first time, Sam looked like he had accidentally killed Dean’s puppy or something. As soon as Cas was away — looking for food —, he rushed to Dean and apologized. That was the stupidest thing ever to be heard. Dean had literally given him his permission or whatever. Sam had no reason to feel guilty about being with Cas, not in general and not in this bunker. It was their home. How could Dean ever ask them to hide their relationship? He had told Sam to quit with that kind of self-sacrificing bullshit. He and Cas were dating now, he shouldn’t be worried whether Dean was okay with it.
And then after this whole speech, he walked into his room, locked the door and drank himself to sleep.
He was jealous, not really, Maybe that was the worst of all. It would be so much easier to understand what he was feeling if it was simply jealousy. But no, he didn’t want to separate Sam and the angel. He wasn’t thinking of that at all. It was worse, actually.
He was thinking of them together.
Which was absolutely ridiculous, since he was in love with Castiel, and Sam was his brother. Thinking of them together should make Dean feel horrible. He should be disgusted with the idea of ever thinking of Sam with Castiel in bed. No! He should be disgusted for thinking of Sam being with anyone at all.
But now, he was even having dreams of them. Seeing them together should horrify him, not get him so… hot.
For three days now, Dean had woken up covered in sweat and with his pants covered in his shame. If this were anyone else, he would’ve been pleasantly spending a lot of time with his hand, or even better, he would’ve made a move. Now, knowing that his dreams involve his best friend and brother together? It just makes him feel guilty.
Now, every time he sees them together, he craves to be in the middle. That might be the most horrible thing he had ever wished for, but holy hell does he want it. At certain moments, Sam had looked at him with a little pity in his eyes. No matter what, his little brother had always been good at seeing the truth. Sure, he probably thought Dean was simply just jealous. That would be the most reasonable explanation. Dean wondered how he would feel if he found out his brother had been thinking of him and his boyfriend like that. Sam would surely hate him.
And that’s why Dean needed to leave this place. Not for long, just for a couple of days… or weeks. He just needed to have some time for himself and maybe meet other people. People that he could actually get in bed with without it being a horrible taboo.
He didn’t want to freak out his brother by just telling him he was living, so he tried to find a hunt. The world was surprisingly quiet this month, which sucked for him. He even tried to ask Jody if she had heard anything around. Nothing. He was up until late at night attempting to find anything that could help him. He felt so stupid doing this. It hadn’t been that long since their last hunt, and he should be happy no people were dying from the supernatural. But he just couldn’t stay here until his head was set on straight because clearly there was something wrong with it.
Eventually, he realized a hunt wouldn’t come along when he wanted. Instead of being gone for days how he had been planning, all he could do without making his brother worry about his whereabouts was to go out for a drink in some bar, close by. It’s not like it would be weird. Even if Dean hadn’t really gone out lately, not even to have a one-night stand, it wouldn’t be so out of character.
He took a shower, got dressed and walked out of the room, passing by his brother’s room, intending to give him the heads-up that he was going out, but as soon as he heard the angel’s voice, he kept walking straight and left. They probably wouldn’t even notice he was gone for the next few hours.
***
He drank until he was barely walking. The owner of the bar had to order the bartender to stop giving him drinks. By the time he walked out, it was close to morning. The sun would be shining on the horizon pretty soon. There was no way Sam and Cas hadn’t noticed his absence. Dean had probably been gone for around seven hours now.
Looking for the key took a few minutes, and when he finally found it, he questioned his ability to drive in that state. Just trying to get into the car was showing to be a difficult task, considering how shaky his hands were. After, finally, managing to get behind the wheel, he quickly realized, there was no way he would be able to get home without wrecking the car on the way.
Just as he was deciding whether he should just sleep in the car for a little bit to sober up, he heard his phone ring. Again, it took him longer than it should for him to find his phone and answer the call.
Sam’s voice was loud in his ear. His brother didn’t even wait for him to speak before he started the questionnaire, followed with complaints.
“Where the fuck are you?” He asked. “Last night I couldn’t find you anywhere, but I thought you had gone out to get food or something. I went to sleep, and you weren’t home yet. I just woke up to drink water and passed by your room, and you’re still gone.”
Dean had to distance his face from the phone a little. His ears hurt. Sam was mad mad. His brother had every right to be concerned. Whenever Dean went out to drink and didn’t have plans of coming back home before the next morning, he always talked to his brother beforehand, or at least left a message.
“I was out drinking, dude,” he said. His voice was still a little groggy. “No need to get so mad. I’m just too drunk to drive back. I’m gonna sleep in the car and then come home soon. Just chill out.”
Of course, Sam did not accept that answer.
“What’s up with you lately?” he asked. “You avoid me and Cas all the time, you act all weird in the morning, and now you’re just leaving without as much as a heads-up?”
“Hey! There’s nothing wrong with me, ok? I’m an adult, I can go out to drink whenever I want to.”
“Without telling me or Cas?”
“Yeah, it’s not like I need to ask for permission. You’re not my mom.”
“This is not about permission and you know it. We always warn each other of our whereabouts because we’re constantly being hunted. You don’t say anything and just disappear for the night. What am I supposed to get from that? I thought something had fucking happened to you, you jerk! I got worried!”
In normal circumstances, Dean would’ve apologized right away. No, he never would’ve done something like this in the first place. It was like this unspoken rule between them that they had to update each other so make sure everything was alright. But he was drank and jealous, and this logical reasoning just wasn’t clicking.
“Why do you care anyway? You have Cas! You go worry about your boyfriend, not me.”
There was this telling silence on the other line. Dean almost fell asleep just waiting for his brother to say anything. It had been a long time since he drank this much, and nowadays, he couldn’t handle it as well as he used to.
“So that is what this is about.” he heard Sam say. “You’re jealous. You’re jealous that Cas and I are together, and you can’t take it. I knew this would happen. Fuck! I knew you would regret telling me to go for it. You’re gonna be all depressed now that Cas isn’t with you, and it’s gonna ruin everything.” Dean tried to stop him from talking to explain himself, but Sam wasn’t listening. “Why did you tell me it was ok if you weren’t sure, Dean? I fucking asked you if you were sure, and you said yes. You told me it was ok, and now you’re acting like this. Why did you encourage me just to ruin everything afterward?”
“Sam!” he screamed. “Just shut up, will you? I don’t regret telling you to date Cas, ok? I’m fine with it, I promise I am. I’m happy for you.”
“How can you say that if you’re being all gloomy about it?”
Dean would never be saying any of this if he was sober. He loved drinking, he was usually excellent at keeping his mouth shut while doing it, but he really did go overboard tonight.
“I’m not jealous of Cas. I don’t regret telling you to ask him out.”
“Then what’s wrong with you?”
“I’m jealous of both of you, ok?” he said while rubbing a hand all over his face. “I don’t want to replace you as Cas’ boyfriend, I want to join you. I like seeing you two together. A little too much, even.”
Dean’s stomach filled with anxiety, waiting for what would be his brother’s response. When Sam told him about how he felt about the angel, Dean didn’t even think before telling him to be happy. He genuinely never thought he would create enough courage to make a move. He was messed up in the head, and he didn’t see this changing in the future. There was no reason to stop Sam from being happy on the thin possibility Dean would ever man up and ask Cas out.
And now, everything was even more complicated. It wasn’t just Cas, it was Sam too. He wanted both of them. He couldn’t stop thinking about them together. He would dream about kissing Cas while his brother watched or even participated. In some of his most perverted moments, he would even dare imagine himself kissing Sam, while Cas touched both of them. It was crazy. He could barely admit it to himself, how could he tell Sam that?
“You want like… a poly relationship?”
“I’m not even sure what that means.”
His frustration was sobering him up a bit. He could tell this conversion was not going anywhere good. One thing was telling Sam he wanted to date his boyfriend — which was still very much horrible —, but telling him he also wanted him? Sam would never be able to look at Dean the same.
“I think we should talk about this in person.” said Sam. “And with you sober.”
Dean whined but didn’t disagree.
“I’ll go to sleep now. I’ll be home in a few hours.”
“None of that. Tell me where you are, I’ll go get you.” Sam didn’t even wait for Dean to argue. “Cas can drive me there, and I’ll drive baby back. You need to sleep in a bed, not in front of a random bar.”
Dean had forgotten where he was, but he described it to Sam. The name of the bar was pretty generic, but his brother was smart. Soon enough, he had figured out where Dean was.
“Just stay still and try not to do anything stupid.”
Dean ended the call.
***
Dean couldn’t tell if Sam had gotten there after an hour or a minute. He had fallen asleep without even realizing and got woken up with Sam knocking on the window. The sharp headache he felt made focusing his vision a little hard. He opened the door and slid to the side. Sam sat behind the wheel and started the car without a word. The two of them didn’t say anything the whole way to the bunker. Dean couldn’t help but feel a little bad about all of this. When Sam started dating Castiel, he didn’t sign up to deal with his mess of a brother as well. It was supposed to be his happiness, and now Dean was ruining it.
When they got to the bunker, Sam still didn’t seem relaxed. His shoulders were rock hard, stiff. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but next to Dean.
“Go to bed, we can talk when you wake up.”
Dean wanted to argue. Every instinct told him to speak up, to hold his brother by the arm and force a conversation like he had done so many times before. How could he sleep after this?
But he let Sam go. His brother probably also had to think about this whole thing.
He spent the next few hours just wondering about what he was going to say. Denying everything by saying it was all just drunk talk. Sam definitely wouldn’t buy it, but if Dean insisted on it, his brother would eventually have to accept that answer, no matter how untrue it was. Or maybe it would be better if he just pretended like nothing happened. If he avoided the conversation like it was the plague. Eventually, Sam would have to give up. Dean just had to start hiding his situation a little better. If he started acting like everything was fine and normal, maybe after a while, both Sam and Cas could believe it and move on. Dean just had to pretend for a bit.
By the time Dean heard noises coming from the kitchen, he had made up his mind. He would walk into the kitchen and eat his lunch/breakfast and say absolutely nothing about the conversion they had in the morning. Yeah, that would be the best course of action.
He had no chance of ever executing this plan, of course. As soon as he walked into the kitchen, Sam and Castiel were sitting at the table, both with a cup of coffee. Cas was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Sam had a few fried eggs in front of him, but he wasn’t eating them.
As soon as Dean walked into the kitchen, Sam looked up at him.
“We need to talk,” he said. Sam didn’t sound rude or harsh. He sounded calm, like this was a normal day.
Dean sighed and went to get his own cup of coffee. He was still determined to pretend nothing was different.
“About what?”
“You know what.”
“I really don’t, Sammy.”
Dean heard the sound of someone getting up and knew immediately that it was his brother.
“Let’s stop the bullshit, Dean.” he said. “You got drunk out of your mind, disappeared for a night, then you tell me over the phone that you want to date my boyfriend. No, wait. You said you were jealous of both of us. I don’t know about you, but that sounds a lot like you’re saying you want to date me, too.”
Every word made Dean feel more and more cowardly. He couldn’t deal with this situation. He needed to leave. He felt horrible for always wanting to be far away, but the reality was that the more he stayed, the more he felt like everything was going to crumble down.
“That’s not what I meant!” he almost screamed while turning around to face Sam, but soon lost courage and lowered his gaze. “I don’t want to date you! You’re my brother. That… that’d be wrong.”
Dean was fucking losing it. He could only hope Sam thought he was freaking out because of how absurd the whole thing was, and not because Dean actually wanted it.
“Then, what exactly did you mean by that? I can’t understand it. I get it when it’s about Cas, but me?”
Dean looked back at Cas, who was still sitting at the table. The former angel was now looking their way. Did he… know already? Sam was talking about this in front of Cas, and he didn’t seem surprised with the information. Did Sam tell him? Dean had half a mind to be mad about that, but what could he do? Sam and Cas were dating. It was normal for couples to talk about everything with each other. And now, with this situation, he found himself in. Sam almost had no choice but to tell Cas so they could make sense of Dean’s behavior.
“I don’t know, ok! I was drunk. I said some weird shit while drunk, and it meant nothing.” he said. “It was nonsense. All of it.”
“It wasn’t nonsense, and you know it.”
“Then what do you want me to say, huh?” he turned his head up to look at his brother. “Do you want me to admit that I’ve been thinking about you and Cas? That every time I see you two together, I feel like I’m gonna explode? That I’m avoiding you because I’m ashamed?”
Sam was looking at him like he was insane.
“Dean, what—”
“Ever since you got together with Cas, I keep thinking that I want that. At first, I really thought it was just him. I thought I was being an asshole for wanting him when he was with you already. Especially, since I told you to ask him out. I told you to be happy with him.” He shouldn’t be talking. He was supposed to stay quiet and pretend like nothing had happened. This wasn’t going to end well. “You think I wanted this? You think I wanted to have you know this shit? I’m sorry for getting drunk and saying shit I shouldn’t. Just forget about it, ok? It’s better if you ignore it.”
Sam was looking at him like something horrible had happened. Dean hated that look, but he had to give Sam some lean way because of the situation. Hearing that your brother was not only interested in your boyfriend, but also in his own brother, was not something that could be easily forgotten or ignored. Dean felt horrible. He should never have drunk so much. He should never have been in that bar or said anything. He should have shoved this secret deep down and acted like normal. Dean had done the same with so many other things in life, why not with this one?
“I can’t do that, Dean.” he said. “I want to know. Just explain this to me. I promise I won’t be a dick about it.”
“I can’t Sammy.”
“Why?”
“This is not exactly something easy to talk about, ok?”
Dean turned around, meaning to leave the kitchen and head straight to his room, but Sam pulled his arm.
“I can’t let you leave until you tell me.”
Dean looked up.
“Why bother? You already seem to know what I’m gonna say!”
“I wanna hear it anyway.”
Dean looked at Cas, then. He was an angel. There was no way he was listening to this and thinking this is fine. Sure, there has been a long time since he played for Heaven’s team, but this is too much. Dean might have tried to avoid the word even in his thoughts, but this was reality. This was incest. Having a thing for Cas? Sure, he could get over his issues with his sexuality, but a thing for his own brother? That was not something he could accept easily. What would their parents say if they saw him like this? God, they would hate him, especially their father. John told him to protect Sammy at all costs. He was supposed to be the protective big brother, not whatever this was.
This situation was so fucked.
“I want you.” he almost whispered. “I promise you I didn’t want that to happen. I never even thought about it before I saw you with Cas. I thought I was just having mixed feelings about it.”
He wasn’t looking at either of them right now. At some point, Cas got up from the chair and walked up to them, but Dean still couldn’t turn his head up to see what expression the angel had on. He still thought that this was all just too fucking crazy, even for them.
“God, Dean, you’re so stupid.” Sam said.
That was when Dean finally looked up. He only had time to stare at his brother’s smile before suddenly being grabbed by the collar. First, Dean was sure Sam was going to scream at him and call him all the names Dean himself had been thinking about. But that’s not what happened.
Sam kissed him.
His brother pulled him in and joined their lips. Dean didn’t have time to close his eyes. He just stared at his brother’s forehead for a few seconds before finally giving in. The sensation of Sam’s lips touching his was overwhelming. He was sure there should be some type of disgust or weirdness attached to it, but that’s not that he felt. It just felt right. Sam pulled him even closer and deepened the kiss, making Dean gasp. His hands went to Sam’s waist as if they had a mind of their own.
When they pulled away from the kiss, Dean took a second to open his eyes. It felt like he was in a dream. There was no way this was really happening. For weeks now he had felt like a total freak and here was his brother, doing exactly what he had been fantasizing about. It was almost too good to be true. There had to be a catch somewhere. There always was in their life.
Sam was looking at him when he finally dared to look at his face. He had a dumb smile on his face.
“I want you too, you idiot. I have for quite some time. Even before I knew Cas.”
Dean smiled back.
“Thought you said Cas was the first man.”
“I lied.”
Sam gave him a quick kiss. When they separated, Dean couldn’t help but stare at Cas, who was looking at them with a satisfied expression.
“You knew about this? The whole time?” he asked.
Castiel nodded.
“You’re soulmates. It was bound to happen. It was one of the reasons why I didn’t have much hope for something happening between me and you or me and Sam before. I thought there wasn’t any space left for me.”
Dean walked closer to the angel.
“And now?”
Cas smiled.
“Now, I think… I would let to try, if you want it too.”
Dean didn’t even speak. Just like Sam had done with him, he pulled Castiel in for a kiss, letting his actions speak louder. The way the angel kissed was much different than Sam’s. He was softer. His lips moved more carefully, letting Dean lead. With Sam, it had been wild, there was more ferocity. With Cas, it was the complete opposite. Cas felt like the prey.
He couldn’t help but wonder how this dynamic would work in the bedroom. While Sam’s personality was usually sweet and soft, the stories he heard about how he was during sex revealed an entirely different side of his brother. If Sam was more dominating and Cas was letting himself be submissive, then how would that work with Dean in the middle? He craved the answer.
However, this was something he would have to explore later. It was too much revelation for one day. When he softly pushed Cas back, he knew everything was good between them. He couldn’t dare to ask if this meant they were all boyfriends now. That word still made him feel mixed emotions.
And as much as he felt desire towards them — had for weeks —, he didn’t feel ready yet to make that jump. It was still all a little too scary. He would have to think better about what he wanted and what he was willing to try.
***
In the next few days, Dean felt like he was in heaven. No, really. He thought that this all suspiciously going too well for him. It made him feel like maybe he had already died without realizing and this was his heaven or something. Or perhaps, even worse, this was hell, and they were making him happy only to make everything shit later.
Either way, he felt ecstatic, but also hesitant to really let himself enjoy everything. He couldn’t remember being so close to his brother and Cas ever in his life. Well, he had never made out with Sam or Cas before, so that was to be expected, but the closeness wasn’t all physical. He felt so much more comfortable just sitting down next to him, being able to hug him and touch him whenever he wanted. Before, when he still hadn’t considered being with Sam, he had always been a little awkward with touching him. It felt like something he should do. Now, he understood that he probably already felt something for Sam and felt ashamed without even realizing why. But now, he could cuddle and kiss him whenever he wanted.
He was still worried about sex. Both with Sam and Cas. He still felt very nervous about the concept of having sex with a man, and with Sam there was the added complexity of him being his brother. It was just all very confusing for him.
Of course, he was trying to get used to it. Every time they had a made out section, or he woke up with morning wood after cuddling, he tried to relax into, but as soon as things got too heated, his brain just went into panic mode, like a warning. At first, he tried to ignore it and pretend like he wasn’t freaking out, but both Sam and Cas noticed it and said they would rather he told them when he was uncomfortable. Dean realized that they probably weren’t happy to do anything to do with him if he was forcing himself into it. Even with the guilt of making them wait, he had to accept that nothing would work if he kept ignoring his limits. Cas had said that there was no reason for him to feel bad and that they would wait until he was ready, even if it took years.
But even with all that, he felt fucking happy. He had never been so right about something in his life. Even with all the issues, what they had now was still most likely the best thing to happen to him yet.
He even planned this date night for the three of them. It wasn’t anything extravagant. A movie night with alcohol and some pizza was far from being fancy, but it made sense for them. Dean even let them pick the movie. Cas picked a documentary, which surprised no one. Sam picked a romance movie. At the end, they all ended up watching Sam’s choice.
Dean never admitted to liking these cheesy romance stories. He would be caught watching it and play it off somehow. From how their father raised them, it just wasn’t something Dean felt comfortable liking openly. Now, though, there was no reason to not watch and let himself experience the whole thing without embarrassment. He could be as clingy as he wanted.
When they sat down to watch the movie, Dean was sitting right in the middle, between Sam and Cas. Cas leaned on him and Dean reciprocated. After they started dating,
Dean had excitedly bought a big couch that could fit all of them together at the same time, and this was the first time they were going to use it. Sam sat down on the other side, leaning away from them, but looking comfortable as he hugged the pillow he brought. Dean felt so warm, not just physically, but also in general. It felt great to finally be able to do stuff like this together.
After the movie started, Cas brought a comforter for them. Dean paid attention to the story at first, but then he felt Cas’ hand on his thigh. Dean tensed up immediately and looked around, which made no sense. He was alone here with his two boyfriends. Sam didn’t seem to notice anything and kept on watching the movie. He looked back at Cas and saw that the former angel looked as innocent as ever. There was no indication that he intended of making Dean flustered or teasing him.
By now, they had multiple make-out sessions. Dean was very familiar with Cas’s hands on him. It shouldn’t be this surprising to be touched like this and yet, every single time Cas or Sam touched him and kissed him, he felt like he was being torched alive. No matter how many times it had already happened, he still felt like it was the first time.
There was a scene in the movie then, where the couple was kissing on the couch, a similar scene to what they were doing right now. There was no explicit sex, but the make-out session was intense. Dean couldn’t help but feel excited. His jeans were getting tight. The closeness of his two boyfriends was definitely not helping.
Even if he hadn’t had the courage to act on his urges, that didn’t mean he didn’t want it. He thought about it often, how would sex with either of them feel like. He imagined it would feel superb, based on how good it felt to kiss them. In the last few weeks, he had never been jerking off so much. The last time he had felt this horny was during his teenage years. And Sam and Cas definitely didn’t try to help. Dean had lost the number of times he had walked in on them or had them suddenly pull him for a kiss in the middle of the kitchen. One of the times he had made out with Sam, his brother had pushed him to the wall and left Dean breathless and starving. They were so close, Dean was able to feel Sam’s hard-on, and it was big for sure.
Even with all of this, there were still moments when he would stop before things escalated. He felt disappointed in himself for being this hesitant to have sex. Between all three, Dean was probably the one who promoted himself as the sex positive one. And yet, he would hear Sam and Cas having sex and wish he could just walk to them and ask to join.
Now, it felt a little different. He didn’t know if it was the buzz from the beers he had drunk or if this situation was so comfortable, but he wanted them. He wanted to kiss them and not stop. He wanted their hands on his body. Not only that, but he needed it.
He turned his head and leaned even closer to Cas’. The angel didn’t seem to realize what he meant to do at first, but when Dean leaned in for a kiss, Cas didn’t even hesitate to close his eyes and return the eagerness.
As expected, his lips were soft and the way he moved was soft and submissive. Dean was familiar with submissive partners, he could very well deal with that. He had no issues in taking the more dominant role.
Having his brother come up behind him and kiss his neck sure made “familiar” impossible, however.
Dean didn’t even try to keep the facade, he melted right up. Cas didn’t seem very upset about the broken kiss. Quite the opposite, his expression showed satisfaction from seeing Dean so flustered from having his neck kissed. Before they started dating, Dean had felt like a freak for wanting both of them and liking seeing them together, but, judging from Cas’ reaction, he wasn’t the only one with a thing for sharing. Freaking voyeurs, that’s what they all were.
Sam’s hands circled his waist, caressing Dean’s belly before reaching up to his nipples. Even through the shirt, he couldn’t help but moan at the feeling. His nipples were never sensitive or, at least, he didn’t think they were before, but now? Even these small touches felt spectacular.
“Dean”, he heard Cas say and realized his eyes were closed, so he opened them just in time to see Cas reach for Dean’s shirt. “Can I?”
They never went as far as removing clothing before. Every time they got close, Dean would get uncomfortable and ask to stop.
It was different now, for some reason.
He nodded and saw how Cas’whole face lit up with excitement. He couldn't believe he had such an effect on an angel. Sure, Cas was technically not a celestial being anymore. He was almost as human as them. But, to Dean, Castiel would always be the angel that raised him from hell and made him challenge everything he knew about the world. He was extraordinary. The fact that Dean could make this millennium old being feel this way was almost too good to be true. He didn’t doubt Cas’ feelings for him anymore, though. He used to at first. Too insecure to believe he would ever have something so good in his life. But now, everything was different. Cas has proven many times that he truly loved him.
As soon as his chest was exposed, Sam pounced on him. He was just kissing his neck now, his brother was leaving hickeys. His hands became more rough on his brother's nipples. Dean wasn’t just sighing now. He was full-on whimpering from the pleasure of it. His cock was hard in his pants, and there was no way both Sam and Cas didn’t notice it. It’s not exactly something easy to miss when his hips were humping the air. Cas seemed very interested in his cock. He was looking with such focus.
“Dean, I know you said… I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but… can I please suck your cock?” Cas spoke in such an innocent way, Dean was almost confused for a second.
That passed quickly, though. When he finally realized what Cas was asking, he didn’t hesitate to answer.
“Yes… Yes! You can do whatever you want with me. I’m giving you permission.”
Cas acted quickly and without any hesitation. He moved with just want in his eyes, as if his mind was focused on one single objective. Dean watched as the angel came closer and grabbed his pants, pulling it down with ease. He couldn’t help but think about him doing the same to Sam. He seemed to have some experience doing this. Dean imagined him on his knees in front of Sam, looking oh, so innocent, and opening his lips to let his brother’s cock in.
“Fuck, Cas,” he whimpered when Cas finally took his cock in his hand and started stroking it. “I can't believe this is really happening.”
Sam leaned in from behind and whispered in his ear: “We’ve barely started.”
The shivers that went down Dean’s spine were strong, but not as intense as the feeling of having Cas’ and Sam’s hands on him. Sam turned his head to the side, so they could kiss, but before they even connected their lips, Cas’ mouth wasn't on him. Dean closed his eyes and moaned loudly with the sensation of the angel’s soft lips on the tip of his cock.
“Suck a nice dick you have there, Dean,” Sam continued. “Let Cas take care of it. He’s good at it, I promise.”
His mind was beyond blown. No, his mind had already fucking exploded, and his cells were being scattered throughout the universe. He had never felt this good, this euphoric, in his entire life. It was better than when he lost his virginity. So much better, that he thought this was worth more to be called his first time. He wished he had done this sooner. God, he had been so oblivious. He could’ve had this for so many years.
Sam kept marking his neck and whispering dirty things in his ear. His brother kissed him, letting his moans mix in with his own. Cas’ mouth was doing wonders. He was swallowing down like it was so easy, like his throat was built for sucking cock.
“Shit, wait, I can’t cum yet.”, he said. “It’s too soon.”
Sam flipped his nipple.
“I still haven’t gotten my turn,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”
“But if I cum, it’ll be over too soon.”
Sam smiled, devilishly.
“Says who?”
Dean didn’t really have time to argue. Cas didn’t stop moving, he kept working Dean like all he wanted was to eat him alive, like Dean’s cock was the best thing he had ever tasted in his life. That sure did wonders to his ego, that’s for sure.
He came with Sam kissing him, letting his whimpers fall on willing rosy lips. His muscles contracted and relaxed with each pulse of desire. He felt himself cum down Cas’ throat. The angel swallowed everything up like a pro, not letting one single drop spill. Sam kissed him again, while letting out moans of his own. Dean could feel his brother’s cock against his back now, rutting slowly. Dean felt a shiver from that. He had never thought about bending over for anyone, but now, he couldn’t help but imagine Sam making him take him, right here. Just push him head down on the couch and fuck him stupid. Fuck. He wanted that.
When he looked back at Cas, he was able to see the angel slowly lift away from his crotch and breathe in. Cas looked fucking wonderful, truly fucked out. Dean hadn’t even touched him aside from his hair.
Then Sam pushed him to lay over Cas. Dean was confused at first about what he was doing, but soon he understood.
“As much as I want for you to fuck me, I’m not sure I can handle that just yet.”, he said. “First time and all.”
Sam laughed.
“Relax,” said Sam. “I’m gonna just ram it in. I was thinking about… fucking your thighs.”
Dean’s brain sort of stopped working from hearing Sam say something so erotic.
“Oh… Would it be good for you?” he asked. “Would it be enough? Because I could try and take it, you know? You could prep me real good, and we could do it for real.”
“Yes, Dean, it will feel good. Very good.” Sam spoke while his hand started caressing Dean’s back slowly. The older hunter felt chills go up his spine and closed his eyes. “Your first time should be better. Less hurried. I will prep you real good. At the right time.”
Dean was so preoccupied in how being caressed so gently felt and hearing Sam sweet talk him, that he barely recognized the sound of someone spitting, and then he felt hands between his legs, spreading the saliva over his inner thighs.
“Close your legs, tight.”
Dean obeyed, already feeling almost giddy with what was about to happen. The position he was in made him feel like he was really going to get fucked. Ass up and face down. He was right on top of Cas, while the angel helped hold him still. Dean then kissed Cas, as a way to thank the angel for sucking him off before, but also to calm himself down. Cas kissed him back a little more fiercely than before, which surprised the hunter.
While they kissed, Dean felt Sam’s cock touch his thigh. First, just the tip, but then the whole thing slid right in between his legs. Dean moaned into Cas’ mouth from the sensation of his brother’s cock sliding against his own. He didn’t imagine it would feel this good. Hot? Sure. That was something he definitely was right about, but he never thought it would actually do anything for him. His soft cock started hardening from feeling Sam fuck his thighs. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend like he was actually getting fucked, like Sam had opened him up nice and now had his cock in Dean’s ass. He could feel Sam’s hips on his ass with every thrust.
He went back to kissing Cas.
“Lay down directly on top of Cas and jerk off together,” said Sam.
Dean had no opposition to that. He did as he was asked. Sam had to adjust his position so he could continue fucking Dean’s thighs, but it worked out. Dean couldn’t help but whimper when Sam thrust hard and Dean’s body moved with the force enough to make his cock glide along Cas’. The angel moaned and started moving his hips. And then Sam moved again and Dean realized that, like this, all their cocks could touch. Whenever Sam slid between his legs, his cock wound up right against Dean’s and the angel’s.
Dean had never felt this great in his life. This was the best sex he had ever had. The echoes of their moans filled the room. Hearing their voices mixing together in pleasure made Dean feel even closer. Cas was the loudest in the room, for sure. His whimpers were sweet. Dean had never heard an angel sing, but he could confirm that it was indeed as beautiful as people talked. Probably not what those people meant, though.
It didn’t take long for Cas to cum, with Sam following after. Dean felt this cum all over his belly and cock, slick with it. Within seconds, he was cumming too, making his skin even more of a mess.
It took him a few minutes for his breathing to come down. His whole body relaxed, and he only remembered Cas was below him when he heard him grunt in pain and oversensitivity. Sam then helped Dean up, letting him rest against his chest.
“Fuck,” Dean spoke. “If this is how it feels, then I can only imagine how actually being fucked is like. Cas, you gotta tell me, does Sam’s cock feel as big as it looks?”
The angel looked flushed and happy. He had a dopey smile on his face.
“He feels even bigger.”
Dean smiled.
“Good.”
Sam kissed his neck.
“Cas’ cock isn’t too bad either.” he said and laughed when Cas made an offended expression.
Dean narrowed his eyes until he understood what Sam meant. Shit, Cas had fucked Sam?
“I thought Sam topped.”
“He does.” Cas said and sat up. He looked at Dean with sultry eyes. “Just not all the time. I believe I told you I can be both dominant and submissive.”
Dean’s eyes widened.
“You told me that wasn’t related to sex.”
“And it’s not, but it can be used that way.” Cas said. “And my thoughts on it changed a lot when I started fucking your brother.”
Cas was definitely no longer the blushing virgin he was before. In fact, in this situation, Cas was way more experienced than Dean. This much confidence and flirting was not something he had expected, however. Not that he was complaining, of course.
Dean looked at the TV and saw that the movie had long ended. He hadn’t even noticed it.
They all got up and headed to the showers. Dean had to say, taking a shower with them was almost as good as the sex, simply for the closeness. Dean felt like he had removed a weight from his shoulders. He never realized he could be this happy. In fact, the feeling of being unworthy had followed him his entire life. And now, things were so good. For the first time in his life, he felt excited about the future. He hoped he could experience so much more with these two men he loved.