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Logan thinks about them a lot. Professor X, Storm, Rogue, Night Crawler, even that little asshole, Cyclops, and all the others that he failed to save. And Jean. Memories of the mansion plague his mind and crawl into his nightmares. The scent of blood still lingers, his nose twitching in discomfort. He remembers opening the bullet-filled doors and the echoing of his footsteps as he walked down the halls in silence, glass shards and broken wood scattered among the floor along with limp bodies piled at every corner. He recalls his desperate, but ultimately useless, attempts to revive them, feeling their ragged breaths cooing in his ears.
All Logan does is remember.
He remembers and remembers and remembers. Because the past has become his present. And the present beats inside of him, forever reminding him of what he’s lost. He lets it.
The guilt comes in whispers, creeping up slowly from behind. Despite knowing that it’s there— feeling its haunting presence grasp at his heels— he allows it to follow. To consume him.
For what is a man without burden? Without sin?
He is crushed under the weight of his own sorrow— a sorrow so deep and so piercing that he doesn’t know what to do with it other than to carry it. So when Deadpool— Wade— suggests the idea of them moving in together (with Laura staying at Blind Al’s in his stead) he is secretly grateful. Because at least then, someone who is somewhat aware of his pain, will know what he’s going through. And he won’t have to hide all of himself. So even though Logan shuts the idea down as soon as it’s brought up and goes so far as to threaten the mutated avocado, he doesn’t stop Wade from unpacking his boxes when he shows up at his door uninvited. Because the truth is, Logan needs a distraction. And who else other than God’s perfect idiot could check off all the boxes when it comes to that?
So, they become roomates. With Logan taking the bed and Wade on the couch (although the older man has caught him trying to sneak into bed with him multiple times). And when Logan wakes up in a cold sweat from a feverish nightmare from time to time, groaning and occasionally even yelling for the whole hallway to hear, Wade is emotionally intelligent enough not to utter a single word. Part of him hates that the fact that the anti-hero is tiptoeing around him and another part of himself hates it even more that he misses the chaos. After being alive for so long, one would think that some quiet is needed, but after saving the universe— saving a piece of himself— he begins to crave “busyness”.
Because that way, he can forget. And maybe, with time and a lot of prayers, the feeling will sizzle into the pit of his stomach, never to return.
So, Logan does exactly that. He busies himself. His days consist of Laura dragging him out of bed, urging him to go wherever. Fighting crime, visiting food spots, or even just quiet talks, which he’s grown to enjoy. Eventually, he gets a job— well, jobs if you consider how often he gets fired. And so he goes to whichever place will take him. He likes the ones where he doesn’t have to do much talking; the options are narrowed down to construction or underground boxing. For a while, it seems to work. His brain gets quieter and quieter the more he fills his days up with useless hobbies or activities. But whenever he returns home, throwing himself on the couch with a beer in one hand and a remote in the other, flicking through the channels, Logan can feel himself regressing to the man he once was. The guilt, the sadness, and the hurt tug at his clothes and limbs, and he hears it whispering. Telling him to go off into the deep end. To do whatever he can to ruin the life he is living. The life he doesn’t deserve.
Wade starts to notice it. But that doesn’t stop him from pushing at Logan’s button. Even with the good intentions that he does have, Logan is ticked off by it all. He pushes and pushes everyone away and yet, they still come back. That aggravates him even more. Because Logan thinks that he isn’t worth saving. Not in this world or the next.
Their house is practically in ruins with how often the two tussle and truthfully, Logan is always the first one to throw a punch. Eventually, the landlady steps in, and the two of them agree to take their fights elsewhere— rooftops.
Despite the packed punches coming his way and the taste of blood in his mouth, copper with a mix of salt, Logan manages to smile each time. It’s rejuvenating. As the adrenaline rushes through his veins, as survival mode kicks in, as he punishes himself. Plus, he gets to beat the shit out of that talking parrot. His roommate. And possibly the only person who can resonate with him.
Whenever he’s with Wade, he thinks about them a lot less. The ADHD-fueled Kool-Aid packet never seems to run out of things to say and each time, it amuses Logan. Good or bad. He’s starting to think that the latter gets a kick out of these fights, especially after things didn’t go so well with Vanessa. Logan finds that pretty amusing too. The fact that he managed to fumble the same girl twice, but this time, on his own accord.
Now, Logan knows that Wade has been through some tough shit. Anyone with a brain could see that. But when he first met Wade, he seemed so determined to save his world. To save Vanessa. It all felt kind of pointless seeing how he called it off. Not that it’s Logan’s business, but he thought that Wade deserved at least one thing to keep him happy. And if it wasn’t the Avengers or the girl, then he wasn’t quite sure what the hell it could be.
“Alright, time-out big boy!” Wade exclaims, holding his hands up to a T-pose while writhing on the ground. “Son of a bitch, you stabbed me in my No Enter Zone!”
Logan sheathes his claws, standing up straight. “What, has all that talking worn you out?”
Wade huffs, throwing his head back on the cement floor. “Yeah, well when you’ve been fighting for three to four hours nearly every day with Hugh Jackman, your muscles tend to get sore.”
Logan scoffs. He walks over to Wade and lends him a hand which he readily accepts. He pulls himself up, groaning from the pain that ripples throughout his body.
“Listen, Peanut,” Wade begins, “I know you’ve got this whole “self-loathing character” going on, but for the love of god, is there no other way to deal with your emotions?”
Logan looks off into the distance, watching as the sun slowly dips behind the clouds. He hears the chatter of civilians. Of friends and families. Their conversations tingle in his ears along with the occasional honking of cars and for once, he isn’t bothered by it. New York has never seemed more calm to him. With how often the city gets attacked and the chaos that seems to follow Logan wherever he goes, he isn’t used to moments like these. Where time seems to stop and every so often, life seems beautiful. Even with Wade by his side— especially with him by his side— Logan is at peace.
It’s a rare feeling, but it’s one he’s come to appreciate when he senses it.
“I could eat,” is all he says, before walking away and towards the stairwell.
Wade looks at him, head tilted, as if he is expecting more.
“That’s it?” he asks. “Hey, I’m a mental health advocate so don’t even think about trying to get me cancelled for suggesting better coping mechanisms!” Logan hears Wade yell from behind him.
The two of them decide on pizza from a place around the block before heading back to their apartment. Mary Puppins greets them enthusiastically, jumping into Wade’s arms and licking his face. Wade pulls off the mask, revealing his mangled skin.
“C’mere my little unicorn! Did you miss your daddies?” he asks, opening his mouth so the dog can lick his teeth.
Logan winces at the disgusting sight. He moves past them and throws the boxes on the table then grabs a bottle of beer from the fridge, popping the cap open with his teeth. He lands on the seat with a thud, legs spread out and body leaned back. Taking a lazy swig from the bottle, the liquid spills down his chin and onto his chest, the coolness making his hair stand up.
Wade sighs and murmurs something about being messy under his breath before setting Mary Puppins down and wiping Logan’s chin with napkins. And Logan lets him, too exhausted to fight back. Eventually, Wade sits beside him as they eat with “Friends” put on. Logan never really understood the “roar” of the show until he found himself binging five seasons in two days.
Time passes, and the apartment is dark with nothing but the glow of the TV to offer them comfort. Neither of them seems to mind keeping the lights off since rent is already high enough. Besides, when one walks around in spandex fighting off bad guys for nearly every second of their life, the apartment’s condition is the last thing on their minds. That certainly seemed to be the case for Wade, who had been talking Logan’s ear off the entire time.
Logan groans, “Do you ever shut up?”
Wade shrugs.
And finally, it’s quiet. Logan settles in deeper into the chair, taking another gulp from his drink. He lets out a sigh as the TV continues to play. As the ceiling fan continues to spin. As Mary Puppins licks a slice of pizza Wade threw on the floor to an irregular rhythm. Despite the calm, a sense of dread sinks into Logan’s skin and the apartment is suddenly a lot smaller— the walls closing in on him with every tick of that hideous Hello Kitty clock Wade thifted. His body is paralyzed by anxiety. Sweat drips down his forehead and his breath gets more unsteady as the whispers from his dead loved ones crawl into his ears. Their faces and lifeless, mutilated bodies flashing through his mind like an old film. He grips the handles of his seat, claws slowly revealing themselves from beneath the webbing of his knuckles. Everything is too much and too loud and he needs to get out—
“—Okay, I promise I tried to shut up for as long as I could, but I can’t do it anymore,” Wade blurts out. “I don’t know how anyone does it.”
With just a few words from Wade, Logan is brought back to his reality. The air returns to his lungs and he can finally, truly breathe as the voices die down— the darkness that hovers over him, reeling back into the shadows. A weight has been lifted off of Logan’s shoulders, yet Wade doesn’t seem to realize it. He can’t help but chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all. His fears, the fact that he’s in the wrong world, this cramped apartment, and Wade. The person who steadies him. The idiot he saved the universe with.
It’s a comforting feeling. A feeling that hits Logan all at once and overwhelms him to the point that he might even say that he’s flustered. He’s lived for a long time, but he’s never quite seen anything— anyone— this crazy. It’s laughable at how free Logan feels knowing that Wade is at the center of it all. For giving him a chance to redeem himself. To forgive himself. And for allowing him to find a family within Laura and the others.
“You mind if I ask you something?” Wade asks, breaking Logan away from his thoughts.
“Shoot.”
Wade clears his throat, adjusting himself in his chair.
“I know you’re not where you want to be— both physically and probably mentally— but, did you have anything planned for the future? Other than being a raging alcoholic, of course.”
Logan grunts. “Not really, no.”
Wade nods. “Yeah, wow. Cool. Great talk,” he says sarcastically. “You know, I think we really need to get you out there somehow. Maybe, polish up your social skills—”
“But I’ve always wanted a barn,” Logan interrupts. “Maybe a cabin somewhere. Just— away from everything.”
“Sounds isolating.”
He swishes the last of his beer around in the bottle before emptying it with one big gulp.
“Who said I’d be alone?”
Wade sits up, ears practically perking from curiosity. “Oh?”
“Maybe Laura would visit from time to time or even that pup over there,” Logan says, and Mary Puppins tilts her head at him.
Wade scoffs. “You think I’d let my precious pumpkin walk all the way there by herself? Are you insane?”
“That’s where you come in,” Logan says. “Plus, it won’t be quiet with you bouncing around the place.”
He lets the words hang, anticipating a reaction. But Wade is completely quiet, mouth wide open and body frozen. Logan can see his eyes flicker as he tries to figure out what’s the right thing to say.
“How many people do you plan on revealing your little hideout to?” he finally asks.
“Not many. Just somewhere only we know.”
Logan’s never been one for big gestures. He wasn’t sappy or good at expressing himself and he definitely wasn’t going to attempt to be. Especially with Wade. Because things are new with him. Everything is different when it’s with Wade. It’s uncomfortable and tiresome and Logan gets a headache from the thought of Wade making his ears bleed for as long as he lives. But for some reason, when he pictures the life that awaits him, it feels incomplete without him in it and it scares Logan with how at ease he is at the idea of Wade remaining by his side. The way it settles under his skin. The way his heart leaps at the shock of it all.
So these words, as simple as they may be, are proof of Logan trying. It is a testimony to the affection that he’s decided to give up. Because Logan has let people slip through his fingers. And he refuses to let it happen again.
“Somewhere, huh?” Wade murmurs. “I’d like that.”
They hold each other's gaze and there is an unspoken agreement written in their eyes. It pours with admiration and reassurance. No matter what happens— no matter how many fights they get into or how much they can’t stand each other— at the end of it all, they will always come back to each other. Because, now, they are intertwined. Whether it’s through the new timeline they’ve formed or their shared near-death experience, they are stuck in a world that only those two can understand.
“Before we get into that phase of our marriage, what’s the next step for us now?” Wade asks. “Honeymoon? Fourth base? Or are we taking a big step back and starting from the very beginning?”
Logan rolls his eyes. “I could give two shits about any of that.”
“Alright, tough guy—”
“—But, wherever you go, I’ll be right behind you.”
And Wade is speechless again. Logan wishes he could take a picture of this moment and hang it on their wall because who would’ve thought that the Merc with a Mouth could be silenced so easily?
“You probably think it’s silly but,” Wade says carefully and Logan turns to look at him, eyes filled with an intensity that burns low in his stomach. He analyzes his scarred skin, the dried blood that paints his cheek and neck, and the way his eyes glisten, specks of white splattered in the corners of his pupils. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been right now.”
Everything clicks for Logan at that moment. Without words, without another thought.
“Yeah?” he asks. Wade nods.
For the longest time, Logan believed his memory to be a punishment. An act of torture that he, alone, must bear as he roams the earth shackled to his guilt. To the reminder of the man he failed to be. The worst of the Wolverines. But with Wade, the title hurts a little less. Because Logan has been given another chance at life. It’s a rare blessing. A blessing that even time and space cannot comprehend where alignment is everything. Maybe it’s because Logan is imperfect and because he has been thrown into a world just as flawed as him, in some way, it manages to make sense. Logan knows he doesn’t belong. Especially not here and certainly not with Wade. But with the way his body is drawn towards these people— his new family— he thinks that it cannot be helped.
It is the universe’s way of asking him to stay. To play the part he so desperately missed. The part that he took for granted. Although none of it is perfect, it’s something. It’s his. And Logan is tired of sitting and staring at his wounds. Poking at it relentlessly and forbidding their memory from resting. Instead, he decides to keep living, walking with their names etched into his footsteps. His heartbeat. For remembrance is nothing without love.
And with all the love that he has been offered from this world— from Wade— he would be a fool not to accept.
“Does this mean I get to sleep on the bed?” Wade asks.
“Don’t push your luck.”
Wade chuckles. “Yeah, yeah, I know you love me you big furball.”
And Logan doesn’t deny it.