Chapter 1: Getting cold.
Chapter Text
«January 2, Tuesday»
Fit was never a fan of celebrating New Year.
But since the day he officially adopted Ramón, everything has completely changed, and now they're eager to see what this New Year would be like, what surprises will come with it.
Hopefully good ones, because no one in this household likes surprises at all.
Fit could proudly say that life is starting to feel like an enjoyable journey now, and not just a vivid nightmare of constant survival, something that he thought they could never say, or even think about.
If Phil could hear him right now, Fit is sure he would laugh at them for that thought, saying something between the lines of “I told you so” and “I knew it!” or some bullshit like that.
He exhales the smoke, knowing that the glove will catch the stink of the cigarette, again. But they couldn't care less; he just hopes Ramón doesn't notice it this time.
Ramón hates and gets all sad when he sees Fit, his non-biological father, smoking. But smoking is at the same time the only harmful coping mechanism that Fit can do without everyone freaking the fuck out.
Even though Quackity is always trying to help them quit cigarettes forever, and Fit is grateful for that, but it's just not that easy.
He has a lot of things in mind; Ramón having to go to school again after the winter break, Ramón's incoming birthday, Tina and Roier asking for some feedback with a new sensory room that they're working on at Bad's daycare, Foolish needs some extra hands to clean one of the biggest parts of his aquarium, Quackity is just being his chaotic self, and Tubbo wants some help with whatever project he's working on right now.
And, of course, his gym needs attention too, but luckily both Etoiles and Ollie are there to keep everything under control, which is always such a big relief.
Fit loves his friends, but sometimes they're a handful. They're still grateful for having them, though.
The only thing that Fit hates right now is his own brain. Knowing that it's Ramón's first day is making his separation anxiety disorder go nuts; he's incapable of sleeping, and for some reason makes them be nauseous and fatigued and breathing is hard too and—
lots of nasty things that he'll never wish to anyone, not even his worst enemy.
What if they hurt Ramón? What if Ramón hurts himself on accident? What if they don't know how to act around Ramón? What if Ramón cries for Fit but he's not there—
Fit tries so hard to do those breathing exercises that the psychologist suggested. They're not the best, but they help sometimes.
They need to distract himself, so they light another cigarette.
When the new cigarette is finished, his willingness to be outside with the frozen wind dies too, so they carefully went inside again, trying not to disrupt Ramón's beauty sleep, knowing from experience that if he breaks his son's beautiful schedule, he’ll be mad at them for at least one month, being very vocal about that. —even though Ramón's completely non-verbal.—
It's already Tuesday, which means Ramón's birthday would be in two days; Fit has the perfect present carefully hidden somewhere where he's certain Ramón would never search; Fit's bedroom. Both Ramón and him have a strict privacy policy, and Fit trusts Ramón not to break it, and it's the same way around.
Fit takes off the gloves and puts them at their place, mentally checking his own routine, to see what comes next.
He peaks through Ramón's slightly opened bedroom door, seeing the mentioned child peacefully sleeping, tightly hugging his Minecraft pig plushie called Technoblade, gifted by Phil some years ago.
He quickly checks their phone; no messages, so everything’s still under control, which makes them feel at least a little better, and the hour displayed under his eyes says that it's time for making breakfast, before Ramón wakes up.
So he does, and when it's finished, it's meticulously placed at the table, waiting for the latter to appear.
Ramón takes no long to do so, he slips into his favorite chair —the only one he'll ever tolerate sitting on—, both hands busy, one tightly grabbing Technoblade, and in the other, his favorite tangle, twisting it again and again.
“Good morning, my child” Fit greets while he slips on his own chair too. Ramón signs a lazy ‘morning’ back, still sleepy.
It seems like Ramón had a good night; he didn't scream because of nightmares or sneak out to try and read (again) his crocodile-themed notebook full of crocodile facts… but Fit prefers to check in, knowing that Ramón is capable of trying to struggle all alone.
Like father, like son.
“Did you sleep well?”
He nods while intensely staring at the plate. He's probably trying to check if the food is not touching each other, even though Fit always makes sure to separate it.
“I'm glad. Wanna talk about what you dreamed?” Ramón pauses for a few seconds at Fit's words, considering his father's proposal, and then shakes his head, declining it.
He then stares at the other, silently asking the question back. The father smiles at their kid.
“I dreamed about Ollie and uncle Etoiles making a mess at the gym.” Fit calmly explains his dream, laughing a bit. ”Sunny was there too, making a mess at the pool.” Ramón’s attention was fully into his father, even if he's not looking directly at them while he explains the dream. “I vaguely remember uncle Phil telling me something about ‘at least you're already bald’ implying that the stress would make my hair fall off.”
The child loudly giggles, rubbing one of Techno's plush paws while twisting the tangle.
Then, Ramón does a little pause again and starts to sign.
“That sounds like something that could actually happen, Fit.” The mentioned smiles at the way Ramón signs their name, using the way they both chose.
“I hope not” Both of them laugh, and Fit notices that Ramón hasn't started eating yet.
“Do you want to sit Techno on a chair so you can still use the tangle while eating?” Ramón seems to think about it, and then nods, looking at Fit with what he supposed was a pleading expression.
“Okay, my child. Should I do it?” Ramón excitedly nods, happy because his father just understands.
Fit moves the chair and sits Techno on it, being extremely careful not to make him fall off. Ramón happily claps at the sight, rocking back and forth on his own chair, and some time later they both start to finally eat, Fit making a 'nom nom nom' sound every time Ramón puts food in his mouth, which makes the child giggle every time.
Fit's phone starts ringing, and he looks at Ramón, hoping it's not something gym related. The child shrugs while eating, and the father excuses himself to go answer.
“Would you-”
“Morning to you too, asshole.” Fit cuts Phil, a bit mad because his morning routine was disrupted. “And you're gonna have to speak louder, I'm without my hearing aids”
“Oh, sorry.” Fit says a quick ‘all good’ before Phil continues. “I was just wondering- if you would kill me if I buy another crocodile plushie for Ramón.” Then he says something that the american can't hear, but it seems like he's talking to someone else.
Maybe the kids, or one of his partners.
“All good, don't worry, it's never enough if it's for Ramón” Fit hears Phil's scandalous laugh at the other side of the line, and then, a question.
“What did you buy for the kid’s birthday?”
“A sewing kit. Ramón wanted to learn how to sew, I taught him and he got all fixated into, you know, sewing.” Fit tries to whisper in case Ramón wants to eavesdrop. “Hopefully he still thinks it's cool”
Fit can still remember when Ramón excitedly approached them, frantically signing “Fit! I want to learn how to sew!” and Fit didn't even question it, since he thought that a repetitive activity like sewing would be a perfect hobby for Ramón.
“I bet he'll like whatever you gift him”
“Yeah. I need to go, by the way.”
“Yeah me too, I'm trying to make breakfast without the kids hurting themselves or Missa burning the house down. Kristin gave up, so I'm all alone with this—” Phil suddenly starts speaking to someone again, and Fit laughs. What a family man. “Need to go, say hello to Ramón.”
The call ends, and Fit sighs, going back to the table, seeing that Ramón is almost finished, and the kid stops at his father, intrigued.
“It was uncle Phil, he said hello.” The child nods. “It seems like he's having a great time trying to cook with Chayanne, Lullah and Missa.”
“Kristin's gonna be so mad” Ramón signs, and his father laughs while nodding.
“I think uncle Phil’s gonna have to use our couch, Ramón.” Fit jokes, and the kid giggles, slightly sliding the plate through the table. “Are you done?” A simple nod. “Okay. I'm gonna wash the dishes, you can go get ready while I finish here”
Ramón says —signs— nothing and gets up, carefully grabbing Techno and then his plate, to let it rest on the sink while going to his room again.
Fit is almost ready by the time they need to leave. They put on his gloves, and then he patiently waits for Ramón to come to the entrance so they can both go to the car already.
When he looks at the door, they notice Ramón's week schedule, and he checks it, laughing at the fact that the kid draw some things on it:
•Monday - Resting day! (Monday. :( /neg)
•Tuesday - Therapy. (why)
•Wednesday - Therapy. (why²)
•Thursday - Group with Bad. ♡
•Friday - Resting day!! (need more of those)
Fit does a grin while looking at the first day. Mondays are always a struggle for Ramón, needing them to rest so he can prepare for the week, life is hard and being neurodivergent makes it harder. Luckily Ramón has all the help that he needs and more.
Tuesdays, Ramón goes to a specialized autism psychologist.
Wednesdays are a bit more harsh, since both of them go to therapy. Fit hates it, but he knows he needs it, both of them do.
Thursdays are Ramón's favorite days, knowing that he'll go to “The nest”, Bad's daycare. Xe only opens it in the afternoon for them, so Ramón, Dapper, Chayanne, Lullah, Sunny, Leonardo, Pepito, Empanada and Pomme can have a great time together, without worrying about other kids.
But since Ramón's birthday is on Thursday, instead of going to Bad's, he's gonna stay home, or at least that's what Fit thinks, he needs to ask Ramón.
Some time later, Ramón's at the door, apparently ready to go, with a bunch of pins attached to his shirt that read “He/him” “Autistic” “Non-verbal” and some Pokémon themed ones.
He doesn't seem so excited to go to school again after the winter break, but he knows that he has to do it, and the routine is good for him.
“All ready, my child?” Fit asks while grabbing the car keys, Ramón nods, caressing his green crocodile-themed bandana around his neck, —the one that he uses to hide his face,— and starts frantically signing some of the things that he has inside the crocodile backpack.
“School materials, snacks, water, chew necklace, communication cards, fidget toys, noise canceling headphones. I think everything’s ready.”
“And Techno?” Ramón shrugs his shoulders.
“He's at my bed.” The child simply signs.
“Don't you want to take him with you?” Fit asks a bit concerned, he knows that Techno is Ramón's comfort plushie, but he also knows that kids are so mean, and it's even worse if you're not… like them. yeah.
“No”
“Okay, I understand. It's your choice, Ramón. Do you want me to walk with you to the school's entrance?” Fit asks this time, a bit concerned about the child's first day.
Ramón considered it a few seconds. “No”
“Okay, I trust you. Now come on, we need to leave”
While they're walking to the car, Fit receives a message, and he groans, hating having sound on but incapable of silencing it in case someone needs them.
The message is from Philza.
↳Old crow↩
>Ey Fit
>Check this out :)
>[photo]
Fit smiles at the domestic sight looking at the picture; there's a table full of different foods with Kristin looking happily surprised, both Chayanne and Lullah seem widely smiling with their clothes being all dirty and their hairs being messy, Missa is just doing a funny face while looking at Phil, who apparently is laughing since the photo looks a bit blurry.
“Ramón, do you wanna see a photo that uncle Phil sent me?” The father asks his son who is sitting behind him in the car.
Ramón frantically nods and Fit shows him the picture. The kid widely smiles while his eyes dart for all the photo, rocking back and forth in a soothing movement.
“What do you think?” Fit asks while starting the car, looking at his son with a smile.
Ramón doesn't take his eyes off the photo, and answers signing “cute”
“Yeah, it's really cute. Do you mind me having that back?”
Ramón gives the phone to his father, and starts signing a bunch of “cute” more.
“cute cute cute cute”
“That's a strong opinion, Ramón” Fit jokes while quickly checking his messages, making sure that their friend didn't say anything more, and then he answers back.
↳Old crow↩
»Ramón thinks it's a really cute photo. I'm glad it went well btw, I thought I would have to let you sleep on my sofa lol
Fit laughs at himself, then puts aside the phone, —driving safety— and starts driving to Ramón's school, the mentioned child still rocking back and forth behind Fit, who just smiles again.
Hopefully Chayanne and Lullah are gonna arrive at least at the second hour so Ramón can go with them.
“Have a great day, my child. I love you” Fit says when Ramón is out of the car, looking at him with the most lovely gaze ever. “Text me if you need anything. And I mean it, anything at all.”
“Love you too, Fit” Ramón quickly signs and then slowly walks to the school. While Fit looks at the child entering the building, he wishes he could protect the boy from everything and everyone, but that's just impossible.
They just drive off, going home. They already sent a message to Etoiles and Ollie saying that they're both in charge today, so he's gonna try to rest today, since he's feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Fit spends most of their morning doing house chores, and then he decides to go to Purgatory, Quackity's café, to have some coffee while planning on how to do the cards to invite Ramón’s friends over. Quackity greets him and Tubbo takes their order, they both talk a bit about Sunny. Tommy seems to be working there today too, but seems busy with whatever he's doing.
Home alone again. Which is not great for Fit, but he's trying so hard so that's what matters.
He walks by Ramón’s bedroom door a bunch of times, but not as many as their brain pleases.
He can imagine Techno meticulously placed against Ramón's pillows, just sitting there, waiting for the kid to come back, just like Fit.
“Fuck you brain” The american says to no one while staring at the child's door, and then they notice the whiteboard that it's always at the mentioned door…
So Fit does what a responsible adult should; draw little doodles all over it, and when he feels satisfied enough with that, they also write something:
“I feel so safe now that I know Techno's watching your room :)”
When it's done, he added a little note below that:
“Techno just told me that he'll prefer going with you so he can watch over you!”
When Ramón is finally home, Fit asks him about what he wants to do for his birthday. Ramón says, —well, signs— that he wants to be home and maybe invite some of his friends over, but he doesn't want to go to Bad's since that would be a bit overwhelming.
Fit respects his decision.
And then it's time for Ramón's therapy.
Fit sees Ramón's whiteboard and laughs, his precious son’s calligraphy displayed below his own.
“Techno can't talk, that's silly”
And a little drawing of a pig with a crown, together with what Fit's assumes is a crocodile. He was going to draw a little Sandile —the desert crocodile Pokémon— but the sound of the phone interrupted them.
↳Old crow↩
>I'm at the door!
>If you hear the doorbell it's me!!
Fit laughs at his friend, but they're also grateful since he doesn't want to be alone right now, and also because the doorbell ringing makes them anxious every time.
He doesn't want that person to found Ramón, or himself, or their friends, or—
The doorbell rings, meaning that Phil's here.
Phil, not anyone else. Just Phil, it's okay it's just Phil. Fit answers the door and lets out a sigh of relief when he hears Phil's voice.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Chapter 2: Private conversation.
Summary:
Phil is at Fit's door, just as he promised to be.
Both of them share a hard conversation, alongside with some tears.
Then, it's time to make the invitations cards to Ramón's birthday.
Notes:
Come with me to see a bit of Fit's and Ramón's life<3
°Fit: he/they
°Phil: he/him
°Ramón: he/him
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 2, Tuesday»
Fit unconsciously smiles at the sight of Phil at his door, just like he promised to be. No one else, just Phil.
The last mentioned looks a bit tired, but Fit figures is what happens when you have two children to take care of, alongside two partners. Phil opens his arms, and Fit quickly —and quite tightly— hugs him, gladly accepting Phil's offer, trying to consciously avoid his legs, so they won't hurt him.
"Here is my favorite old man!" Fit says jokingly while scooping aside so his friend can enter the house.
"Wow, dude.” Phil makes a whistling sound to add more drama while slowly walking to the sofa, and then he turns to face Fit. “Saying that to someone with a cane is pretty rude, don't you think?" Phil clearly jokes as he intensely glares at Fit's prosthetic arm on purpose, hidden under the man's long sleeves. Fit just shrugs and motions Phil to sit on the couch already.
"I'm trying to make fun of you because of your age, tho."
"Oh.” Phil dramatically gasps, acting offended, and does a little pause so he can properly sit on the couch, the cane leaning near him. “A whole year without seeing you, and that's what you say to me? yeesh, Fit."
"I can't believe you just said that dumb joke again" The american laughs at his friend's antics, and sits in front of him. The questioning look on Phil's face while he scans the other expressions makes Fit realize that this is gonna be a long talk. They try to start a conversation first to see if he can avoid a ‘big emotions’ time. “What are you up to?”
“Not much. Missa’s playing some instruments with Lullah while Kristin is cooking with Chayanne, so I thought you'd appreciate a bit of company right now.”
“Thank you, I actually appreciate it. It's been hard with school starting again and all of that, you know”
Phil silently nods— of course he knows. He's literally a father too, of two precious kids that happen to be also neurodivergent.
He also helps from time to time at some foster care centers, just like Badboyhalo.
Fit would have never adopted Ramón if it was not for Phil, so he's eternally grateful for that.
Phil moves a bit to grab one of the DNA balls that Fit keeps on the fidget toy basket for guests, and starts mindlessly squeezing it while following with some more conversation.
“I also have some stickers that Missa did for Ramón” Phil said, while grabbing them and placing the stickers at the table so Fit can see. They’re pretty well made, and clearly themed with the different interests of the childs. “Missa made these stickers so Ramón could stick them on the birthday invitations cards. If Ramón doesn't want that, he can just keep them, or just give them to the kids, dunno.”
Fit smiles, that's so sweet.
“Thank you, appreciate it. Ramón will love them.”
Phil just nods while smiling, and continues with the talk.
“So, Ramón likes sewing now?”
“Yeah. He got really into it, but not like a hyperfixation kind of thing, it was more like curiosity I think. I didn't question it because I find it fine.”
“Maybe Bad was teaching the kids some basic skills at group. It's been a while since I saw xem because of the school starting and all of that” Fit nods at the other's words. Badboy has been very busy taking care of the daycare. “Lullah knows a lot about embroidery, knitting and crocheting, she can teach Ramón if he wants to learn something new that it's related to sewing.”
“Thank you, Phil. I'll ask him about that later. It's hard to tell if he's gonna be interested in something new, you know how it is.”
Fit moves to grab one of the biggest tangles on the basket, and starts twisting it.
Accepting to be neurodivergent is hard, but sometimes good company makes it a little bit better to handle.
"I know that New Year's is always hard for you” Phil does a quick glance at Fit's package of cigarettes laying near them. “And I'm concerned because you've been isolating yourself a bit” Fit shrugs, hating how much Phil knows them. He twists the tangle a bit too hard and it snaps, but it's okay because they can put it together again. “And you have that expression… what are you thinking about so hard?” Phil inquires while looking at the other, who feels smaller under the british man gaze.
“Ramón.”
Phil waits for some sort of explanation, and when it doesn't come, he inquires again. “I know, I mean- what specifically about Ramón is worrying you.”
“Umh— his birthday scares me. I don't want him to grow up so quickly, I guess.” Fit talks slowly, like the words weigh too much on his tongue, they seem to hurt too. “I'm so scared of the day where Ramón just decides that he doesn't want to talk to me, teenager stuff and all of that.”
“Oh my god” Phil says while laughing, but Fit knows it's not in a humorous tone, it's more like a nervous laugh, like he can't believe what he's hearing but at the same time he understands. “Ramón is going to be eight, Fit. And that will never happen, trust me. I literally work at foster care, mate. I know what I'm talking about.” Phil uses that stupid tone when he's certain of being right about something. But the other shrugs, because he's right, again. “You can ask Bad too if you want.”
“Technically you don't work, you just help, just like Bad” Fit tries to half joke to ease a bit of the pain that this gut-wrenching conversation is making them feel, but the way the other reacts makes Fit suddenly too self-aware of how much he's fidgeting with their own hands. The cold of the prosthetic is sometimes comforting.
“Shut up and take my advice, man.” Phil looks at him with a pleading expression, and quickly grabs his cane to jokily hit Fit's leg, —without hurting them, they almost didn't feel the hit—, and proceeds to let the cane rest near him again, like nothing happened at all. “Anyway, why are you thinking about that?” The british man says. “Is it because of Ramón's first day?”
Fit nods, words feeling a bit too much right now, but Phil understands that and patiently waits so the other can gather their thoughts.
Sometimes it's hard to express everything that is happening, when the only thing that you can hear it's your brain and heart fighting to see which one can have more intense emotions and complicated feelings at the same time.
“Ramón didn't tell me anything about his first day today— which is strange.” Fit starts, having some pauses between phrases and then throwing up a slurs of words. “He never did that, he's always so talkative with me, he signs a lot I mean. But I don't know, this time he just went so quiet.” Fit can already feel Phil saying ‘don't you dare follow that path of thoughts’; the tangle fell from their hand, and that made them notice that his hand was trembling. He grabs the fallen tangle and lets it lay near them, just to grab another one to use. He'll wash the fallen tangle later. “It was awful, and it's also so frustrating, I want to know if it went well, I want to ask a lot of questions and make sure that everything’s okay—” Fit's throat hurts, it was so rushed, it hurted so bad, the words slurred together. “—but I don't want to make him upset by asking too much. I hope he opens himself with his therapist tomorrow, and maybe he'll tell me about it later if he's feeling like it. What if something bad happened to him? I'll never know if he never tells me.” The tangle snaps, and Fit groans. Of course this stupid thing would snap at the same time as him. It feels like it's mocking them.
Phil was silent for a while, just looking at Fit, who looked like his poor and already hurted heart began to break into pieces again, yet they did not shed even a single tear, just frustration noises that Fit thinks Phil can't hear, but he certainly can.
“Okay, Fit?” The mentioned nods, silently encouraging him to continue while they're trying to do those stupid breathing exercises. “I'd love to say something like he's gonna be okay and all that bullshit so your brain shut ups for once, but I honestly can’t, because I know how hard life is, and how hard it is for a neurodivergent kid.” Phil sighs, and pauses for a moment, like trying to choose the right words. “But, Ramón is a smart kid, and better than that, he trusts you like no one else does. He'll come to you if something bad happens, I know it.”
“I hope so, Phil.” Fit wants to scream.
Not at Phil, never at Phil. They're just… frustrated. Yeah, angry with himself. He needs a cigarette so badly right now, but they prefer not to smoke in front of anyone. He wants to slowly rot alone.
"Fit." The way Phil paused to grab air made Fit mentally prepare himself, knowing that whatever Phil's going to say it's gonna definitely hurt like a bitch, again. "I don't know if you're thinking about... that.” The american man shivers just thinking about it. He doesn't want to think about… that. They quickly shake his head, hoping Phil didn't notice that, even though he assured Fit a lot of times about freely stimming when together. But sometimes it's just hard. “But, Ramón is going to be eight. That happened four years ago, mate. I know it's hard to believe, but Ramón is safe now. You're safe now, too." Fit hates when Phil decides to address the elephant in the room.
It hurts so so so so much, some tears inevitably start to fall from his stupid eyes.
Phil just lets him cry as long as they need, starting to cry himself too while they choose to chat-idly between shared tears.
Phil is the only adult that ever saw Fit cry.
They shared tears, while at the same time sharing a room, thinking they'd die because of a stupid war they didn't want to be part of.
They shared tears, while trying to cheer up the other at the nursing room, with less limbs and more trauma.
They shared tears, when they both finally got correctly diagnosed.
They shared tears, the first time Chayanne and Lullah called Fit ‘uncle’.
They shared tears, the first time Ramón was in Fit's arms.
They shared tears, in that police room, trying to explain all those awful things, while Badboyhalo was taking care of Ramón.
They shared tears, while remembering all those awful things and more, but also the good ones. Because life is not only pain, and tears are not only for sadness.
“Wanna hear something exciting?” Phil suddenly says, while whipping his own tears. Fit just nods, letting the other know that he acknowledged the question even when he's with both his hands against their face, the cold metal of his prosthetic mocking him. “So, you know about Bagi, right?”
Is Phil trying to trick them into trying to think so he'll calm down? maybe.
Not answering a question is rude, even when Phil tries to explain it's not if he's not feeling like it. But…
“Oh, yeah, Tina's girlfriend, isn't it?” Fit sounds a bit muffled because of his hands, so they let them go, grabbing an atomic ball this time instead of a tangle, and Phil hums at their words. “I think we saw her a bunch of times when she was here to visit.”
“Guess what?” Phil continues, but gives the other no time to answer. “She's not gonna visit anymore, she's gonna stay with Tina!”
“What?” Fit was a bit shocked, needing some time to process what was said after the little breakdown he had. Phil waited as long as they needed, knowing that Fit heard it clearly, his hearing aids helping with that. When they finally understood, a big smile appeared on all their face. “That's so fucking awesome!” Fit squeezes the atomic ball and subtly shakes his hand, knowing this specific fidget wasn't for that, but they just wanted to shake his hands. “I'm so happy for them!” Fit shakes his hand again, and Phil has a tender smile on his own face, matching Fit's one, even when both of them are still sharing tears.
“Yeah, yeah. She's also- she's also gonna come with some of her friends, or that's what I heard. You know that Tubbo speaks too fast when excited.” Phil laughs, and Fit mimics the action, still focused on the fidget on his hand. “Oh, Bagi's also gonna come with her kid, I think its name is Richarlyson. The child is also autistic and ADHD, so- it's like a mix between you and me if you think about it” Phil laughs again, but Fit doesn't this time. He's a bit anxious about meeting new people, and also a child now? a bit too much. “We could… you know”
“We could, what?” Phil stares at him, raising one of his eyebrows with a funky expression. “I genuinely don't understand.”
“Make new friends, Fit. New people, new friends. Bagi is already our friend, she's gonna come with her friends, and her kid. It's the perfect time to make our group bigger, and they're coming from another country so I'm sure they’ll all appreciate a bit of help”
“I like my friends”
“That doesn't mean you can't have new ones”
Fit was going to object, saying that he's perfectly fine with the people that he already has, when their phone started to make an awful sound, and he turned off the alarm that indicated it's time to go.
“I have to go pick up Ramón in a bit, wanna come with?”
Phil nods, and then adds. “He's gonna be okay with that?”
Fit is the one who nods now. “I'm sure it'll be fine. But I need to ask first”
Ramón has a phone, one that only works for texting and calling, even though Ramón never calls, only messages. It's self-explanatory.
↳Baby boy↩
»Uncle Phil is here, do you mind if he comes with me to pick you up, buddy?
>No
»Okay. He’ll maybe stay for a bit at home too.
>Can Tech come? feeling bad
»Of course Ramon
Fit shows Phil the conversation, and the latter mentioned nods.
“That's another thing that was concerning me!” Fit suddenly says, and Phil looks at him with a curious expression. “He didn't want to bring Techno with him to class, he never did that, he always wants to be with him!” Fit lets out a frustrated groan while shaking their hand a bit more, being grateful of Phil not commenting on that.
“Kids are mean”
Phil gives Fit the DNA ball so he can return it to the fidget basket, while he's trying to get up.
Fit returns both fidgets and looks at Phil.
“I know. By the way, I also texted his therapist to ask if I need to talk with her about anything but she said no. So we're just going for Ramón and coming back. You can tell him about the stickers, he'll appreciate it not being a surprise.” Phil hums, letting the other know he acknowledged what was said while slowly getting up.
Fit glanced at him, those knee braces looking like they hurted but Fit supposed it was the other way around. They're there to ease a bit of the pain.
When Phil grabbed his cane, Fit spoke again.
"I still have those crutches that we keep here in case there's an emergency or you just want them. Do you?"
"Nah. I'm okay. I'll just need your help with going into the car. Maybe leaning against you, if you don't mind touch today"
Fit nods, and after grabbing Ramon's plushie, Technobalde, both of them went to the car. Fit tries to let Phil have as much space as possible so he's comfortable while the american drives.
“Smoking is a way of stimming, you know.” Fit hums acknowledging Phil's words, that came a bit of a sudden. “And it's socially accepted, sadly”
They don't say anything more, and the drive is just peaceful, music playing quietly in the background while they approach the building.
When they park, Fit opens the door for Phil and helps him to easily get out of the car.
Ramón excitedly flaps his hands when he sees his father and uncle approaching, and Fit tenderly smiles at him, offering Techno. The child grabs the plushie with one hand and with the other he shows a communication card —crocodile themed, of course— that reads “Hug?”
“Of course, Ramón”
Fit caresses Ramón tightly, and they can hear Phil behind making an 'aww’ sound as the father and son hug.
Then, it's time to hug uncle Phil while Fit talks with the therapist.
Fit glances at Ramón from time to time, he looks really really tired, and he's a bit concerned about that, because the kid is known for masking his tiredness —and sadness— just to be at the same energetic level as his loved ones, scared of making them feel bad. Fit hopes Ramón doesn't do that today, but by the way the kid quickly changes his face when Phil looks at him, Fit's certain Ramón's gonna sleep a lot today, and tomorrow will be a bit hard to wake up for him.
Phil waves one of his hands, catching Ramón's attention, and Fit wonders if Phil misses having the ability of kneeling down so he can be at the same height as Ramón- and Fit almost misses what Phil signs to his kid, his hands fastly moving.
"Are you okay, Ramón?"
Ramón nods, signing back a "yes" at his uncle, who opts for showing the stickers.
Ramón seems pretty excited to see them, knowing that uncle Missa did those stickers especially for him and his birthday cards. He's happily jumping up and down while tugging Phil's hem of his sleeve, wanting to go home already and start with these birthday invitations cards. He's also rubbing his eyes a lot, which makes Fit a bit concerned still, but he'll wait until his son decides to say something.
The drive home is calm again, this time Phil was telling stories to Ramón, about a certain anarchist pig and his huge potato farm.
When they arrive, Ramón rubbed his eyes before unbuckling the seatbelt, looking with curiosity how Fit helps Phil getting out the car.
When Ramón crosses the frame door, Fit's eager to ask the child.
“Ramón, would you like to use some of the stickers that uncle Missa did for you?” He asks while shutting the door after Phil walks through it.
The mentioned kid makes a strangled sound and then excitedly nods, while carefully grabbing both Techno and his bandana so they don't fall off from the frantic movements.
“Good! Sticker time.” The three of them walk to reach the principal room to use the table and sofas. Fit prefers to sit whenever he has the opportunity to, knowing that Phil is too prideful to ask if they can sit because his legs are killing him.
When the three of them are at their specific spots, —Phil and Fit choosing going for the sofa while Ramón preferred to sit on the floor—, Fit asked which one of his friends he wanted to invite, so, after a bit of time, some birthday invitation cards were displayed at the table with the respective names: Empanada, Chayanne, Dapper, and Sunny were the names that you could read in each one of the four cards, each one of those are Minecraft themed because the kids have a big special interest in that specific game for some reason.
Fit glances at Ramón, who suddenly stopped stimming just to do a grin with his face, like thinking about something. Fit was going to lecture their kid about the importance of freely stimming for his health thinking it was because of Phil's presence, —which could sound a bit hypocritical—, but then Ramón suddenly started signing, looking specifically at Phil's direction.
“Do you think Lullah would be mad?” Fit's heart almost melts at his child's question, seeing how he clings to Techno while subtly hitting his fist against the table in some sort of pattern.
“Nah, I don't think so. She understands better than anyone about how overwhelming this can be” Phil answers quickly, also noticing the child's distress. “Besides, I'm gonna ask Kristin, Missa or both of them to go with her somewhere. I bet she'll like a bit of parent time without Chayanne there.” Ramón nods at his uncle's words, even though Fit knows that he's not fully capable of understanding that feeling since he's an only child, but hopefully he'll feel a bit reassured about his invitations. Ramón has a bunch of friends, but less kids are more likely to make Ramón less overwhelmed.
When Ramón feels good enough, he returns to working on the stickers, while Phil and Fit were chatting idly,
“Chay” Ramón uses the sign that means Chayanne, and looks at the stickers that are all over the place. He grabs some ones that are skulls, and puts them on Chayanne's invitation card.
Some of them have bright colors, and Ramón thinks about those sugar skulls that Lullah and Missa mentioned some time ago. Then, he grabs a trans flag and puts that sticker too, because the colors are too pretty not to use them.
Fit glances at Ramón from time to time, apparently the kid got too excited about some stickers that he really liked and accidently shaked his hand, making Techno fall to the ground. The child lets out a frustrated groan and grabs Techno again, just to go near Fit and sit Techno by their side, nodding to himself and then continuing with the hard work of choosing the right stickers for his friends.
“Em” Ramón signs, and he seems extra excited when tossing his hand near the Minecraft stickers, and starts rocking himself back and forth while deciding which one would be perfect for Empanada. He decided to put some weird-shaped cookie stickers near their name, and then some more Minecraft ones.
Then, he adds a little asexual flag. Fit smiles proudly at his son while hoping Empanada likes them too, especially the sticker of a frying pan. Looks so cute.
“Dapper” Ramón continues, this time choosing some ghost shaped stickers, some lobsters of different colors, a variety of more animals, and what Fit figures is an agender flag.
Ramón looks tired still, but he somehow manages to work on the invitation cards while rocking back and forth, and now adding the fact that he's just working with one hand again, because he's repeatedly hitting his thigh with the other. Fit keeps watching him just in case he gets too excited.
“Sunny” Ramón seems to think for a second and then grabs a big sun, a pink crown, sunglasses, a cat, a trans flag, and a big train that is part of different small stickers that are also trains that Ramón places all over the card.
Missa really put all his heart on these stickers, and Fit internally smiles at that thought, watching his child happy as ever. They quickly glance at Phil, who is also lovely looking at Ramón, while squeezing something with his hand. Maybe another DNA ball, or just any of the other stress balls.
Then, the kid loudly knocks two times at the table, apparently trying to get the attention of both adults.
“What is it, Ramón?” His father is quick to ask, and then the mentioned approaches his dad with a mischievous smile on his face and puts the sticker of a Minecraft trident at their cheek. Fit, without understating looks at him curiously, and Phil laughs at the cute interaction.
Ramón happily claps a bunch of times, and then approaches Phil, who raises both of his hands on surrender, which makes Fit laugh this time.
Ramón puts some sugar skull stickers on both of his cheeks, one purple and the other orange.
“Look” Fit grabs Ramón's attention, while showing some more stickers, this time are some crocodiles and a Fuecoco —the fire crocodile Pokémon—, and Ramón gets them from his father's hand, putting some crocodiles in his own hand and then at Fit's prosthetic hand.
Fit sometimes wonders if Ramón notices how his father is always covering his prosthetic arm, using both long sleeves and gloves, while his uncle Phil never seems ashamed of his physical disabilities, always wearing what he wants and using as many aids as he needs.
But, Fit always shows his hearing aids, so technically they're even… even though It's not like they can hide them, as much as he wants to sometimes.
“Good job, Ramón. That's my smart kid” The american praises the child when Ramón is finished with all the stickers that are nicely placed now.
Ramón says nothing, but increases the speed of his rocking back and forth, which says more than words could ever say.
Ramón continues with the cards, this time writing some personalized words for each one of the kids that will receive them.
“Fit.” The mentioned makes a sound, letting the other know that they heard him, so Ramón continues signing. “Your eyes are red and puffy. You okay?”
“Yeah, my child.” Fit grabs air and then sighs. Ramón is too observant for his own sake. “I just had a ‘big emotions’ moment with your uncle Phil, so I cried a bit. I'm feeling better now, but thank you for asking.”
“I don't like when you cry” Ramón signs in return, looking directly at Fit eyes with a deadpan expression that makes it difficult for the father to understand what does that mean.
Fit face scrunched up a little at that, but he just sadly smiles at his kid without knowing what to say, lovely patting Ramón's head. The kid lengthens his hand to grab one of his favorite tangles, twisting it a bunch of times, and then starts rubbing the sides that it has since it's a textured one.
“What do you mean by that, Ramón?” Phil asks this time, a bit confused about what the child said, just like Fit was. The british is pretty sure that Fit lets Ramón freely cry and do whatever he needs to do, so that kind of reaction is a bit odd coming from him.
“Makes me feel weird seeing Fit feelin’ bad” Ramón simply signs, while tugging at Fit's sleeve with the hand that was empty, the other one rubbing the tangle still, and Fit's heart stirs at his child's words.
“So, technically it's not that you don't like seeing your father cry, it's that you don't like when they're sad. We need to be a bit careful about how we choose words, Ramón.” Phil calmly explains, lovely looking at the kid who pauses for a second, trying to understand, and then nods, looking at his father.
“Sorry. Didn't mean that.” Ramón rubs Fit’s sleeve, apparently liking the texture under his digits. “Crying is good Fit, you should do it more”
“Thank you, my child. You can cry as much as you want, too”
“I know”
Fit quickly looks at Phil, showing off a proud smile to his friend, and Phil does a thumbs up, silently nodding, absolutely approving what Ramón said, knowing that it was because of Fit's hard work trying to help Ramón with being comfortable in his own skin.
Fit feels so proud knowing that his child feels free to cry, free to feel emotions, free to express himself as he wants while navigating his feelings.
Fit has always struggled with showing emotions, and he doesn't want his child to suffer that, too. At least not alone.
They try so hard not to tear up while watching Ramón continue putting some crocodile stickers all over himself. That sight is so pure, so full of joy, that Fit almost wants to take a picture to have this calm moment mortalized forever. He'll have to say thank you again to Missa later.
They decided to just stay silently looking at his child, trying to remember this for eternity. When Ramón gets back to writing some words for his future guests, Fit looks at Phil, who is smiling while answering to someone on his phone, sometimes glancing at Fit or Ramón to see what they are doing, and then continues writing to someone.
The american bets it's Missa texting him saying how much bone misses him, or Kristin saying the exact same thing. Maybe both of them at the same time, even. Fit takes Phil attention waving one of his hands at his sight.
“Can you tell Missa thank you? Say I said it” Fit signs at Phil's direction, who just nods and proceeds to type it down.
Fit sighs, vaguely wondering how it would feel to have such an amazing relationship with someone… and then Ramón tugs at their sleeve making him stop that trail of thoughts, and Ramón proudly shows Fit all the four cards, full of beautiful stickers and some words —instructions, perhaps— about how the birthday should go or something.
Fit ruffles his son's hair, and Phil announces that it's time for him to go home.
Some time later, it's time to go to bed.
Fit tucks Ramón, and signs him their special lullaby while Ramón is comfortably hugging Techno.
Fit can tell that Ramón is struggling with something, but he just hopes the child tells them soon. Probably his birthday, or “just” school, —Fit figured—, but that doesn't mean that it's less important than any other possible issues.
He kisses his son's forehead, and watches him as he clings into his Techno stuffie, before closing the door to let the child finally rest.
Fit goes outside to smoke some cigarettes, knowing it's gonna be impossible for him to sleep today.
Maybe tomorrow.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
Philza Minecraft<3
Use tone indicators if you're gonna comment, please!
Chapter 3: Just anxiety.
Summary:
Fit goes to work, where he reunites with Ollie and Etoiles, but Ramón has a meltdown at school, and Fit has to go for him. It's a hard day for both father and son.
Notes:
°Fit: he/they
°Ramón: he/him
°Ollie: they/them
°Etoiles: he/himTW:
°Mentions of blood and self-bite.
(Fit notices that Ramón as a bit of blood on his hand, he bite it when overwhelmed. It's only mentioned, the scene is not described)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 3, Wednesday»
Ramón had a hard night, and a hard awakening today, just as Fit thought would happen, which sucks for both of them, but they make it through together, as always.
But the kid for some reason insisted on going to class, even though Fit offered him to take the day off to try to rest. So, Fit drove Ramón to school, lovely saying goodbye to him, and the child slowly disappeared through the crowd.
Fit was a bit sad, knowing that even when Ramón was clearly having a hard time, he refused to let his dad walk with him to the entrance, or take Techno with him. The plushie was carefully resting on the spot Ramón left behind when getting out of the car, sadly looking at the window, just like Fit.
The drive home felt so lonely, his poor heart aching at the thought of their child suffering alone. But he's not alone.
But Fit can't tell if Ramón knows that.
A bit later, Fit was on a call with Philza, ranting a bit while they’re preparing to go to work. He's talking about how excited they are to see Etoiles and Ollie, but also how he's pretty concerned about Ramón, their instincts telling them, screaming at them that something really bad it's going to happen.
or maybe it's just the anxiety.
He smoked a cigarette before calling their friend, but he feels like they need another one while he's choosing which shirt would be the most comfortable, since the one that they're wearing right now is starting to feel wrong and somehow itchy, or maybe it's just his skin.
or maybe it's just the anxiety.
“I was talking with Tina before calling you” Phil starts after some silence where the american was absolutely spiraling through a nasty hurricane of bad thoughts, and Fit patiently listens while subtly shaking his hand, trying to concentrate on what his old friend was saying instead of their stupid shirt. “And apparently one of Bagi's friends, the ones that are coming here soon, is called Mine!”
Fit tries so hard to process those words for longer than he'll like to admit, and then they sink in and he smiles. They're a bit scared of the whole ‘new people’ thing but he's also excited, because Tina seems so happy around Bagi, and Ramón and the other kids would potentially have a new friend, which is always nice.
And technically the adults would have new friends too, but Fit prefers not to think about that right now.
"Cool name"
“Yeah, I know right?” Fit hums, and Phil, knowing his friend better than the palm of his hand, continues, somehow sensing that they can't keep answering with too many words right now. “Wanna hear a funny coincidence?” It was a rhetorical question, but Fit still whispered a small ‘yeah’ that he's not certain Phil heard. “Kristin already knows them! Mine is Kristin's coworker at the botanic garden, which is a pretty cool coincidence!”
“Pretty cool indeed.”
And somehow, Phil could feel the confusion at Fit's words, or maybe their tone, because the first mentioned decided to explain the situation better to him.
“Okay, so, since Mine is Bagi's friend that is also coming here, that means they're from the same country.” Fit hums, thinking about it. “So, even though Mine is from another place, they were doing the job online, that's how Kristin and Mine met.”
“Does Mine have a kid too?”
Fit knows that Bagi has one kid that is not Empanada, —which means that Tina is a mother of two—, but he's not sure if there's more kids.
“I don't really know, I have to ask Kristin or wait until Mine arrives and ask them. I think they're coming soon, I don't know the exact date though.” Phil does a little pause, thinking. “I'm pretty certain Mine has a queer-platonic relationship with someone, and both of them are neurodivergent too. Bagi mentioned it when talking about her ADHD.”
“That's so fucking cool” He answers while making a excited sound, and Phil laughs at his friend's reaction.
Fit also knows that Phil is absolutely laughing at the fact that they only said ‘cool’ all this topic. But that's just his honest reaction, literally.
“I'm sorry for bursting your bubble, but, does anyone say anything because of you wearing gloves at the gym?” Phil suddenly says after the good news, and Fit pauses for a second, trying to think of a short answer. The topic feels heavy on his chest, and they try to ignore it.
“Most people are just cool with it. And if they're not, I'm the owner, so they can't say shit.” They chose to say. “I don't really care, I have more important things to be concerned about.”
“So real king.” Phil fakes a cheer, and Fit just sighs.“I just hope you're resting, you sound exhausted”
“I'm mentally exhausted” Fit says this time while looking at the variety of fidget toys displayed under their eyes, thinking about choosing one for going to work, but they decided not to bring any of them. Masking is a bit easier without anything, even though it's killing him slowly from the inside. But that's a problem for future Fit. And maybe their therapist.
“Brain is kicking my ass pretty hard today.”
“I can come with you if you want me to” Phil offers after some silence, and Fit shakes his head, but then remembers that the other can't see them.
“No, it's okay. I'll be with Ollie and Etoiles so all good. Thank you though”
“Okay. Just let me know if you need anything”
“Will do”
“But I mean, at least you have therapy today, so” Fit can feel Phil shrugging his shoulders from the other side of the line.
“Wait. How the fuck do you know I have therapy today?” He asks while grabbing their car keys, almost done with all his morning routine, indicating that it's almost time to go to work at the gym.
“You literally have been having therapy on Wednesday for like years now, mate.” Phil laughs, even though it doesn't sound humorous at all. “You need to sleep more.”
“Oh, yeah, that.” Fit readjust one of his hearing aids, trying to think that at least they're gonna enjoy the car ride, trying to erase some of their anxiety.
“You don't change your schedule, I wonder why” Phil says, this time with a real humorous feeling, especifically making emphasis on his sarcastic tone. Fit can visualize his stupid face doing that stupid expression that he always does, even when they're not in the same house.
“Yeah, yeah Phil, I'm so autistic, I knooow” Fit accompanies his sarcasm with a high-pitched tone of voice, making the other loudly laugh through the line.
“Do you reaaaally know? because sometimes I feel like you're still in denial.” Fit was going to object, because that was a low hit, but then, he hears Phil whisper to himself something like “what was the thing about a river that Tubbo said?”
“Oh no, I can't hear you! I'm going through a tunnel!”
“You're still at home you piece of s-”
The call ends, and Fit laughs at his friend, but then sighs. He's not ready for another day, but they have to go through it either way.
Life doesn't wait for anyone.
Fit sometimes wishes life could pause for a bit, just so they can actually rest for real without feeling bad about it.
He has called the school, trying to get an appointment to talk with the teachers, they said Thursday. Great, all Fit's plans were canceled, again. He wanted to let Ramón miss school on his birthday, this Thursday, tomorrow, but now knowing that Fit would be at that appointment, he'll have to make Ramón go to school since it's safer for the kid than being home alone.
They just miss having some time for himself. He misses working on the podcast, talking about history non-stop, like nothing else matters anymore.
Sometimes life feels like a bit too much, and Fit has to remind himself that everything is okay, and if it's not, it'll be, because that's how it works. Hopefully.
Right now the priority is Ramón, and that's what Fit's thinking when he's parking at their designated place at the gym's entrance.
Fit frantically waves at Etoiles, who is at the doors and returns the action more energetically than him.
“Good morning boss!!” Etoiles says, —or technically screams— while tightly hugging Fit who is grateful for the pressure that his friend is applying.
Etoiles messaged Fit before coming asking if they're okay with touch today, which is pretty meaningful of him. “I missed you so much”
“Don't call me that” Fit reminds again, knowing that the other is just joking even though it is true that he's the boss. Fit sighs when they can't feel the grounding touch of Etoiles anymore. “And we literally hang out some days ago”
“Okay, bro. Can we go inside already? Ollie was telling me something epic that kangaroos can do!” Etoiles says while excitedly moving his arms around. “I want to box with a kangaroo so bad”
The american was going to say something between the lines of “don’t call me that either” and “I don't think you should be near a kangaroo” but seeing Etoiles so excited it's always comforting in some way, because it makes Fit feel like everything is fine for a while, so they let him ramble about Pomme’s start of school for a bit while they enter the gym.
Fit notices with a quickly glance that Etoiles is wearing some more pins today, he can read a big two close together that said “autistic” “diabetic”, another that read “he/him” near an aro-ace flag, and a small one that said “I’m weird with eye contact, lol” that Missa made specially for Etoiles, since he's always making eye contact, without blinking or looking away.
Ollie is, as always, at their designated place at reception, signing something to one of the clients, who seemed to politely answer them. Fit prefers not to try to understand what they're saying, giving privacy to both of them, and when the client goes away, that's when Fit and Etoiles approach Ollie, the american waving at them while the french loudly screaming nonsenses as a stim, knowing that Ollie is okay with that since they always have their canceling headphones on, and Fit doesn't really mind noise today.
“Morning, Ollie” Fit greets signing to his employee, but most important, his friend. The other excitedly greets back, signing while slightly moving their noise canceling headphones that had black bunny ears attached to them. “Are the clients behaving well?”
Ollie starts to sign, ranting about the people that have been coming since morning, Fit patiently looking as their hands expertly move, noticing the vitiligo all over Ollie's hands, loving it just as the first time that Fit saw it.
When Etoiles and Ollie start to sign to each other about what Fit assumes is fighting another animal, he quickly glances at Ollie's shirt, specifically looking at a bunch of personalized pins, just like Etoiles ones.
Ollie has pins that said "Black lives matter", "they/them", "non-verbal", "sign language", and a big one with the aro-ace flag, Ollie really liked to proudly show off all of them.
Ollie was tightly hugging their black bunny plushie while looking at some papers, Etoiles chatting with them.
Fit loves and has a bit of pride in knowing that his employees can be themselves without worrying about anything, because he'll absolutely protect and support them.
And it's so nice to know that it's the same way around too, even when Fit is in the process of accepting himself still, not having the ability to be proud and loud just yet.
The morning passed quickly to Fit, it almost felt like just a blink of an eye, doing some paperwork while trying to help anyone who needed it, and idly chatting with Etoiles and Ollie from time to time, making sure that everything's going smoothly.
But then, Fit's phone was awfully ringing, and it didn't seem to want to stop.
Crippling anxiety started to claw at Fit's throat, no one was supposed to call, he always schedules their phone calls because he hates them. So it's an emergency. But, what type of emergency? there's a lot of them and no one of them are good and why is breathing so hard suddenly and—
Etoiles takes Fit's attention, waving his hands at their gaze and loudly saying “Can you hear me, Fit?” The mentioned wanted to say that of course he can hear him, that's why he has hearing aids at their ears, but that wasn't the question. “Should I answer for you?”
Fit quickly shakes his head, politely declining the offering, and then they grab a shaky breath, trying to breathe before trying to answer.
And then, he answers. The school was calling, apparently Ramón had had a crisis, and now that he's apparently feeling a little bit better, he's furiously asking for his dad.
“What type of crisis?” Fit ask while anxiously pacing the room. “A meltdown? shutdown?”
Fit wants to go there right now, hug Ramón and make him feel better, but he also knows that they need to know specifically what is happening to help.
The line going silent for a while makes Fit want to rip off his own skin.
It's Ramón's second day of school.
Fit should have been paying more attention to Ramón, of course he'll feel awful, it's a new school, new teachers, new students, new classmates… Of course Ramón would have a meltdown, Fit should have known better.
But now it's not time for that.
His child needs him.
“I'm sorry. Everyone's busy, and I'm new here.” A sudden voice says, making the other pay attention to the phone again. “I don't understand anything that you just said”
“Doesn't matter. Is Ramón in the sensory room?”
“Yeah. He's with one of the teachers.”
“Coming” Fit just says, ending the call and trying to stop his hands from trembling. “Ramón” He says to Etoiles who is looking at them concerned, and the french just nods, without saying anything, runs to his boss' office, to grab their keys.
Ramón is okay, he's okay now, he's only scared and wants his dad. Okay. His dad can't be scared too, so Fit looks at Ollie, trying to silently ask for help.
Ollie guides Fit through some breathing exercises while they're waiting for Etoiles to come back.
When the french man is here, Fit is quick to grab their keys and do an irish goodbye.
The drive to school was awful. Fit is nauseous and all their muscles ache as he squeezes the wheel, holding it in an iron grip, trying and failing to catch their own breath.
Fit's always physically ill when he's away from Ramón, —separation anxiety disorder, and all of that bullshit—, but now? they feel like his body is gonna drop dead at any moment from all this physical and mental pain.
He needs a cigarette— no. not now.
He can't have a breakdown right now.
Ramón needs his father.
That's what they try to think while pausing for a few seconds at the parking lot of the school.
There's a young looking person standing at the hall, who Fit assumes is the trainee teacher that called them.
“Is everything good at home?” She says when he approaches them, and Fit just looks surprised. That's the weirdest greeting that Fit had ever heard, and it's a lot to say knowing that literally all their friends are neurodivergent.
“What?”
“This kid seems really distressed” The trainee teacher looks up and down at them, and Fit doesn't need to think too much to understand that she's judging them because of their fucking aspect. “And, since you're, you know-” She tries to continue while crossing her arms, but Fit chimes in, tired of meaningless conversations and eager to go with their son.
Without skipping a beat, he locks eyes with her, even if it feels painful to do.
“The kid has a name, Ramón” Fit spits out, venom all over their tone. “And aren't you the one that doesn't even know what a meltdown is while literally working with kids?”
Now it's her turn to look surprised, and a little bit ashamed, too. Good.
“I'm new here”
“Okay, and I'm the father here” Fit’s the one crossing their arms now, trying to mimic their careless posture.
“I'm only trying to say, uh, Ramón is a special needs kid-”
“Yeah, I figured it out by now.” The father tried to sound sarcastic but he only managed to deadpan.
“Can I please go with my son that just had a “crisis” Fit makes air quotes. “or should we just grab some tea to talk about how I'm going to report you to your supervisor for being uneducated AND disrespectful?”
The trainee teacher opens her mouth and then closes it, like considering what's the best answer. She decides to keep quiet, and then points to a colorful door behind her.
“The sensory room is there.”
Fit nods, not interested in her anymore, so he quickly goes to the mentioned room.
They could understand that the literal kids are uneducated, but the teachers, too?
Hopefully it is just this new person and the teachers can at least understand Ramón and his needs… which seems to be the case since the kid is inside of a sensory room.
He's grateful that they have that appointment tomorrow, they're gonna have a long conversation.
Ramón was sitting at a small swing, slowly going back and forth while a teacher was near him, giving the kid some space, Fit just nodded at the adult as a small greeting.
The room looks so nice, full of fidget toys, sensory walls and a lot of more fancy things, but Ramón needs him, so they quickly kneel at his side, enough to be close but not too much in case it overwhelms the child more.
Fit knees touched the floor so suddenly that he almost wanted to hiss at the pain, but the only thing that their brain was processing right now was Ramón, his beautiful baby boy, apparently more calm now but having all his face red and eyes puffy from crying, his hair was all messy too, and Fit notes Ramón has a bit of blood on his hand, it seems like he bit the back of his hand, probably too overwhelmed to even think about the chew necklace.
The child doesn't look at them, but he suddenly stops swinging and starts signing, two words, two simple words that meant everything to Fit.
"Dad, home"
Fit wasn't surprised since it's not the first time that Ramón called them dad, —even though maybe it was the first time that he did it in a relatively public space—, but he was a bit shocked nonetheless, it was just such an emotional situation that made him tear up a bit, tenderly looking at his boy.
“Can you walk, my boy?” Fit tries so hard to keep his own tone low, almost like a whisper, just in case it bothers the child, but not wanting to sign because Ramón doesn't look like wanting to look at their hands right now. “Or do you want me to carry you?” Ramón lifts two fingers, meaning that the second option is the best for him right now, and Fit easily grabs Ramón, the kid hugging his father tightly, tugging at his sleeve, trying to disappear into his father's warm embrace.
Fit gets an idea that could maybe help, and without caring about anyone else right now, he gets off one of their gloves, —the one that was covering his prosthetic—, and offers his free hand to the child, who gladly accepts it and nuzzles his face on it, the cool of the prosthetic hand making the kid sigh in relief, besides with the familiarity of it. His father is here, so he's okay.
Fit grabs a shaky breath, trying so hard to ignore the teacher's gasp of surprise.
It doesn't matter. It's okay. Anything for Ramón.
Ramón is already with his eyes closed at his designated seat in the car when Fit starts to drive home, the favorite songs of the kid playing in the background.
When they're at home, Ramón is quiet, so Fit prefers not to push it too much, waiting for the kid to come to him if he wants to, knowing that they both have therapy in the afternoon.
Ramón now has a crocodile themed band-aid at his hand, at the spot where he accidentally bite his skin while overwhelmed.
Some time later, when Fit was messaging everyone trying to say that Ramón is feeling better now, the mentioned kid appears, —he was napping in his room, meltdowns always make Ramón be exhausted—, and tries to grab his father's attention, who drops his phone so quickly seeing the child approaching them, that it almost shatters.
“sorry” Ramón apologies, which makes the father's heart shatter into a million pieces. The kid is hugging Techno so tightly that it makes Fit wonder if the plushie would shatter, too.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Ramón”
“I'm so sorry. I wanted to be strong like you.”
“Oh, Ramón. Come here” The child does grabby hands and his father takes no time in hugging the child again, letting him sit on their legs. “You're already stronger than me, my boy. But even the strongest person on earth is gonna have a bad day” Ramón nods, Techno now sitting on his legs. It would be such a cute sight if Fit wouldn't be so concerned about his son. “You're the light of my life, my child. And that will never change ever. Do you wanna talk about what happened?” The child frantically shakes his head.
“Okay. You don't have to if you don't want to. I'm here for you, Ramón.”
Ramón has teary eyes as he signs “deep”, trying to say that he'll like some deep pressure, so Fit squeezes him as hard as he can —without hurting him, of course—, noting to themselves that he'll have to grab Ramón weighted blanket for later.
"Do you need to cry Ramón?" Fit asks after some silence, still hugging the child, hoping that he can actually feel the need.
They grew apart so Ramón can sign again.
"No tears left"
"Okay, my boy. But if you feel like it, just cry, okay?"
Ramón nods, and then moves Techno's head, so the plushie nods at Fit too.
"I know, dad”
Fit tenderly looks at his son, wondering what he did to deserve such an amazing child like Ramón. The child is moving Techno's paw, making him salut Fit, who returns it with a smile.
“Ramón, we have a bit of time until therapy, what do you want to do?”
The child's first action seems to be shrugging, but then he stops and seems to consider it again. Fit should be more specific, but he also likes to let Ramón fully choose sometimes.
“Sleep”
Fit nods, and without saying anything more, he effortlessly lifts the child and makes his way to Ramón’s bedroom, the mentioned kid wiggling excited to be at his room again, almost dropping Techno but his father catches it for him.
Fit tucks Ramón at his bed, carefully putting his weighted blanket above him, his favorite plushie also near him. The child looks pleading at his father, who just sighs, knowing what Ramón wants. His lullaby, even if it's not night.
“La cabeza me duele la cabeza, la cabeza yo necesito un doctor” Fit sings, the child smiles and giggles. “Rest, Ramón. I'll see you again in a bit.” The father pets his son's head. “You too, Techno.” And then he pets the plushies head too, making the kid giggle again.
Fit gets up and goes out of the room, letting the door opened a bit just in case Ramón needs anything, going back to the phone.
That stupid thing has been making noise all day, since everyone is worried about Ramón's well-being, which Fit is grateful for, but sometimes is a bit overwhelming to answer to messages for some reason.
Then, it's time for therapy.
Ramón has his weighted blanket all around himself like a cape, Techno’s also under it, but Fit can't really see him with all the blanket over Ramón, and he offers his communication cards, the child carefully grabs them and just nods, grateful for his father always taking care of him.
“Why do I have to go to therapy" Ramón signs, glancing at his therapist's door, an irritated look on his face while he grabs his weighted blanket again, rubbing the hard texture.
The kid seems a little bit better after some rest, but Fit can tell that he was still feeling bad, just not as bad as this morning, which is a good start at least.
"Sometimes everyone needs a bit of help, Ramón. Even the strongest person. Therapy's good for you, and for me."
Fit calmly explains, knowing that after dropping Ramón at his therapy appointment, he's gonna go on his own appointment.
The kid knows it, too.
No shame in going to therapy in this household.
"Even you?"
"Especially me, my child. Especially me." Fit readjust one of their hearing aids, it was making them feel wrong because it's not placed the same way as the other. “Remember, you don't have to talk about something if you don't feel like it.” Fit lectures, absolutely knowing what Ramón is feeling. “This is meant to be your safe space, to talk about whatever you want to.”
“Like at home” Ramón quickly signs, Fit almost misses it, but when Fit processes the signing, he almost tears up again, lovely looking at their child.
“Yeah, my boy. It's the same as we do at home”
Phil had a really hard time trying to convince Fit to seek therapy for him too, the father trying to excuse himself saying that since Ramón was already going to therapy, that was enough for both of them. But Phil didn't buy that bullshit.
“See you in a bit” Ramón signs when the door of his therapist is opened, and Fit says goodbye to his kid and salutes his therapist, when the child is inside the room, the father goes out, just to enter the car again and quickly drive to their own appointment.
When therapy is over, Fit drives them home, both equally exhausted so they don't say much, too tired to even try to do some small talk, just trying to arrive already, Fit trying to lighten the mood a bit with some light music playing, so low that it seems like it's playing at the distance, but it's nice nonetheless.
At home, Fit was having a bad time trying to make Ramón eat or drink some water.
Sometimes dinner, and any other type of food moment on the day, was a real struggle for Ramón, especially on days like these, when the kid is overwhelmed and only wants to sleep it off.
Fit tries to approach it as subtle as possible.
“Ramón?” Fit says, trying to make the most caressing tone possible.
Fit is comfortably sat at the sofa, while Ramón chose to sit on the floor, looking through the pages of his crocodile-themed notebook full of crocodile facts. It seems like it never tired him to read it again and again, even though Fit's certain Ramón already knows all those facts by heart. Maybe he likes to look at the little crocodile doodles they both drew there.
Techno is sitting near Ramón, watching over the mentioned child.
"Ramón" Fit calls, but the kid doesn't seem to pay attention, so Fit repeats his name again, and then adds. “I'm sorry my boy, I need to see your hands if you wanna communicate. Can't be facing your back. Or I can grab your communication card if you want.”
This time Ramón looks at his father, signing.
“Fit?”
“Your stomach has been grumbling for a while now. Did you notice it?” The kid shakes his head, seeing a bit confused about what his father was saying. Or maybe it's because he woke up a bit ago, having a lot of naps today after everything that had happened . “It's okay, don't worry. What do you want as a snack?"
Ramón seems to pause for a moment, his face lock on the floor while apparently thinking hard about the question, or what to answer, or how to politely decline his father's request, which seems to be the most likely option, since the kid gets ups, and slowly make his way over to his father, dragging his feet.
“Can I go back to sleep?” Ramón asks, his signing a bit clumsy since he seems really tired still, subtly moving up and down to stim. Fit looks at him with a fond expression while the kid rubs his eyes, caressing with his free hand the green bandana over his chin, the band-aid still at the kid's hand.
“I know you're struggling right now, but that doesn't mean that you should just not eat.” Fit scolds, but trying to use the sweetest tone that he could manage to make. Ramón looks sad at his father, who just sighs. “Okay, I understand that you're feeling too overwhelmed.” Fit is silent for a few seconds, thinking about something appropriate. “What do you think about drinking some water, taking another nap, and then I'll make you some nuggies for dinner? how does that sound, my boy?”
Ramón seems to consider it and then frantically nods, flapping his hands while darting his eyes to Techno’s direction.
Fit sighs again, a bit tired himself but Ramón needs their full attention right now.
“Okay, my boy. I'm gonna get the water, you can get Techno and we'll go to your room, so you can nap for a while”
When Fit finishes with some work and the nuggets for his son, they go to wake him up, a bit relieved by the fact that Ramón doesn't seem to have been having nightmares that frequently anymore.
Fit tries to have a conversation with Ramón while the kid is munching at the nuggets, trying to distract him a bit so he doesn't get too focused on eating and feels bad again. He seems pretty sleepy, looking like he was struggling to even keep his eyes open.
“Ramón” He tries, quickly thinking about anything that would come to their mind, as a way of distracting the mentioned child. “Did you give the invitation card to the others?” Fit asks, even when he already got the messages of the parents that are gonna come. Ramón nods, that being the only reaction, but Fit is more than happy with it, the child is slowly finishing another nugget while using his free hand to hug Techno.
Technically, if everything goes well, Chayanne, Dapper, Sunny and Empanada would be here tomorrow afternoon.
Fit has to go to the teacher's appointment in the morning, so it's gonna be an interesting day. He is considering calling Phil or Quackity to babysit Ramón while Fit’s at the school, but the idea quickly leaves their mind, not wanting to bother anyone with this.
Fit knows that he's not gonna be capable of sleeping well today.
When he thought that Ramón was sleeping again, —this time until tomorrow morning—, they thought about going to the balcony so he could have a second cigarette before trying to go to bed himself, again.
But then, the lights from the room flicked two times, on and off, and Fit looked at the door.
Ramón was standing there, one hand flicking the switch and Techno hard gripped in the other, his bandana nowhere to be seen, and the weighted blanket laying on the floor, apparently Ramón had to let it go to touch the switch.
The pained expression of the boy made Fit's heart ache, and he was grateful that Ramón didn't catch them having the cigarette.
"Dad?" Ramón weakly signed, the father noted the child's shaking hands, making his frown grow, his concern making his heart pump so hard, it started to hurt too bad.
Fit can swear he didn't hear Ramón screaming or making any time of noise in his sleep.
They were so focused on the stupid cigarettes that he didn't notice his own child struggling?
Their heart couldn't take it if it's the case.
"My boy? what is it?" Fit quickly approximated him, trying to ignore his thoughts to concentrate all their attention into Ramón, leaving some space between them just in case the child doesn't want to be touched right now.
Ramón looked like he wanted to sign again, but the shake of his hands was too much to do so, making the kid be more frustrated —if that's even possible after everything that happened today—, and silent tears started to form on his eyes, some of them slowly falling. Fit tried to remain calm and opened his arms, silently offering some physical comfort, Ramón quickly ran towards his father and hugged them back, loudly crying this time while Fit whispered some reassurances that he thought Ramón would appreciate right now.
He let the child cry as much as he needed, for as long as he wanted to.
When Ramón seemed to be feeling a little bit better, Fit was wiping some of his tears, when the kid signed.
“Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight, please”
Fit fondly looks at his baby boy, his face full of distress even when he's been crying and sleeping all day non-stop.
It's the least he can do.
“Of course, Ramón. Anything for you, but don't make this a habit.” The child looks at his father with big teary eyes and frantically nods at their words. “Do you wanna go right now?”
Another big nod, and Fit was carefully lifting Ramón, the mentioned kid hugs them tightly.
“Hold on tight to Techno, we don't want him to fall off.” Ramón nods and hides his face against his father's chest. “Careful, I'm gonna grab the weighted blanket”
And he does, and then they're at Fit's bedroom, the father carefully tucks the child on the bed. Ramón wasn't feeling like using the weighted blanket right now, so he let it lay near his legs, in case he wanted to use it later.
“Here is your water bottle ” Fit says, while putting the mentioned object on the bedside table. “Your communication cards are just next to it”
Fit signs their lullaby, and kisses his son's forehead, the kid giggles under them while nuzzling his face against Techno, and Fit just looks at him with all the love in this world.
Their heart doesn't hurt anymore, knowing that Ramón is here. He's here and he's feeling better. He's here, safe and sound.
Fit gets off his hearing aids, letting them rest near them, at their specific spot.
He wouldn't need those since he has a bit of hearing left and Ramón was so near them that he would definitely hear if something goes wrong, but having them hand reach is never a bad option.
The next step it's always the most complicated one, now it's turn to the prosthetic arm to go off their body. Fit carefully gets it off, putting it at its designated spot, carefully as ever.
Fit tries so hard not to acknowledge his own residual limb, quickly going under the sheets, his good arm being at the side that Ramón was laying.
Ramón and Phil are the only people that ever saw Fit's stump, and the last mentioned was planning on absolutely keeping it that way.
Ramón wiggles a bit under the sheets and grabs his father's arm, nuzzling with it. Fit plasters another kiss at his forehead and calls a goodnight. The child happily sighs, all his body relaxing physically knowing that his father is there.
And then, Fit was able to sleep all night.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
Just a bad day... better are coming :)
Use tone indicators if you're gonna comment, please!
Chapter 4: Ramón's birthday!
Summary:
Party time! Ramón's birthday finally arrives and Fit, Ramón, Phil, Chayanne, Tubbo, Sunny, Bad, Dapper, Tina and Empanada have a great time together!
Also... a strange number texts Fit, who decides to keep replying just to see where this goes.
Notes:
°Fit: he/they
°Ramón: he/him
°Phil: he/him
°Chayanne: he/him
°Badboyhalo: xe/them
°Dapper: they/them
°Sunny: she/they
°Tubbo: he/it/mushroom
°Tina: she/bun
°Empanada: she/theyTW:
°Ableism and homophobia mentions.
(The parents are having a small talk of awful situations, nothing too descriptive.)
°Transphobia mentioned.
(Sunny and some adults talk about Chunsik being misgendered. He's a trans boy)I love this chapter so much :]
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 4, Thursday»
Fit's scandalous alarm makes a horrifying sound that swims through all the room, accomplishing its duty of waking up both father and son.
Ramón groans and his hands fly to his ears, covering them while Fit turns the alarm off, whispering some quick apologies to the kid, who sighs when it's just silence again, tightly hugging Techno.
“Sorry, my boy.” Fit apologies again, signing to the child who looks with teary eyes at his father's hands, but then his sleepy eyes get more focused. “Happy birthday!” Ramón’s facial expression completely changes, and the kid giggles when Fit kisses his forehead. “You're so old now” He adds, this time speaking instead of signing so Ramón could hear their exaggerated joking tone.
“I'm only eight!” Ramón protests, doing some emphasis at his age, furiously moving his hands. “Do I look any different? Do I?”
“Who are you?”
The kid pauses for a moment, like trying to understand what was said, and then makes an offended expression, laughing when he sees his father's eyebrows going up and down at a pretty impressive speed.
Fit knows that Ramón always liked his cut eyebrow, in company of the scar that crossed all their eye, and the father is grateful because his eye is somehow healthy after the injury that caused that ugly scar… Fit never liked it, but since Ramón does, they stopped using makeup to hide it some years ago.
Fit is slowly starting to embrace himself more, trying so hard to stop hiding so much.
He always says to Ramón that he has to be proud of who he is, so they're following their own words, trying to be a role model for the kid.
And he's slowly making it, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time.
“We should get up” Fit says, coming back to earth from their thoughts, remembering all the things that they have to do today.
Ramón nods and starts to wiggle to get out of the bed, carefully grabbing Techno to go with him, forgetting the weighted blanket behind.
Fit feels better knowing that Ramón didn't have any nightmares… and Fit? well.
He prefers not to think about the bunch of nightmares that they may or may not have had right now. He has too many things to do.
After finishing both of their morning routines, they're already at the school entrance, Fit is saying their goodbyes to his child, when the last mentioned waves his hand two times, trying to get his father's attention again, having a hard grip on Techno, apparently conflicted with something, subtle fidgeting with one of his small tangles, canceling sound headphones at his neck, and green bandana at his chin, all his pins shining under the sunlight.
“Fit. Can you walk me?” The kid seems hesitant to ask, which makes his father do a subtle grimace of pain, but he automatically changes it for a tender smile and nods.
“Of course, my child. Anything for the birthday boy.”
Fit turns off the car, gets off of it and secures it, and then offers his good hand to Ramón, who happily grabs it and both of them make their way to the school's door. The father watches as his son enters his designated class, and Fit goes to find his own, the teacher already there with the trainee teacher standing near them.
This is gonna be good.
The trainee teacher ended up formally apologizing and promising to educate herself.
They sorted some more things, making sure of accommodating any of Ramón's needs. They already had a talk like this before the classes started, but apparently the teachers thought that Fit was exaggerating. Well, he wasn't.
When the appointment was done and Fit was mostly happy with everything that was said, he went to their gym, since Ramón said that he’ll be okay doing all the classes today, or at least he wanted to try.
Fit is so proud of his son.
Etoiles and Ollie are trying to cheer him up, even when Fit tries to convince them that he's all good.
The birthday-party-time comes, and Ramón is happily jumping up and down when someone rings their doorbell. Since all the kids had already said the exact time they would arrive, Fit already knew who it was behind the door, easing a bit his own concerns that seemed to be always there.
“Welcome, Halo” Fit happily greets their friend, who greets back with a big smile, canceling noise headphones still at xeir ears. Fit darted his eyes behind them, and Dapper appeared from behind their parent, waving one of their hands, carrying a blue lobster plushie with that one and a blue and red sensory slug with the other. “Welcome, Dapper” The kid happily squeaks at the mention of their name, and Fit slightly moves aside so both of them can come in.
Fit grabs Dapper's gift and their bag, putting them at the same spot in a different room, near in case Bad needs to grab something for Dapper, but far away so Ramón can't peek on the gift before opening it.
Ramón and Dapper hug each other tightly while Fit and Bad idly chat, quickly updating the other about what had happened in their lives in these past days. Dapper squeaks again, this time because they're carefully caressing Techno while Ramón is moving around their blue lobster, apparently the children exchanged plushies for a bit, the sensory slug near both of them.
Bad lows xeir tone and vaguely comments on Ramón’s band-aid at his hand, asking if he's doing better.
Fit nods, saying that it's just complicated, but Bad understands, being autistic themselves and having a neurodivergent kid, too.
“How is The Nest doing?” Fit asks after some small talk, referring to the daycare that Bad owns, where Tina and Roier work.
“Pretty good actually.” Bad grabs one of the big tangles from the basket and starts twisting it. “The kids are behaving well, even when they have to be far from their parents”
Fit nods, he understands better than anyone that feeling of suffering when far from your loved ones.
They quickly glance at Ramón, who is happily rocking back and forth while signing something to Dapper, who is walking on their tiptoes while slightly pacing around Ramón, but somehow understanding everything that his son is signing, quickly replying back. These kids are just something else.
Fit mentally counts how much is left for the rest of the kids to arrive, all of them coming on different times to not make Ramón feel too overwhelmed.
The doorbell rings again, and Fit excitedly goes to greet the new guests, Bad coming behind them just as excited, flapping their hands, the tangle resting at their forearm.
Phil mischievously smiles at both of them while tiredly waving his not occupied hand.
"Oh fu-" Fit quickly glances at Badboyhalo, who was peaking above Fit’s shoulder, waving back at Phil, so he tries not to swear in front of them.
"Oh dang it. You, again?"
Fit jokes, trying to use a sweet tone, the three adults just laugh.
"Where are Kristin or Missa? I thought only one was going to be with Lullah."
"Kristin is making some changes at work to accommodate Mine's needs, and Missa is with Lullah.” Oh, yeah, Bagi's friends are trying to move here. Fit almost forgot that again. He'll need to ask Tubbo or maybe Tina about it.
Phil calmly explained while waving again at Bad, who waves again and makes Phil wave again.
Chayanne, who was excitedly jumping up and down at Phil's side, giggles at the adult's antics and sprints to quickly hug Fit’s leg, the last mentioned pats the kid's head, ruffling his hair, and Chayanne repeats the same action with Bad, who bends down to return the side hug.
Both Bad and Fit move aside, so Phil has plenty of room to enter the apartment, the personalized cane making a little sound every time it reaches the floor. Fit carries Chayanne's gift and bag to the same spot as Dapper's.
Fit thought that Chayanne was going to sprint to see Ramón and Dapper, but instead the kid tugs at both Bad's and Fit's sleeve, both of the adults paying full attention to the kid again.
Chayanne proudly shows both of them a skull picky-pad, probably made by Missa, and it has the favorite colors of Lullah and Chayanne.
“That's awesome, Chayanne!” Fit praises while Bad makes a long 'woooow' sound as a reaction, widely opening their mouth.
Chayanne seems to melt under the praises judging by his expression, and he apparently doesn't know what to say, so he fastly recovers to go to reunite with both of his friends, and Phil just fondly laughs at his kid’s energy, witnessing all the scene from the couch.
“How is it going?” Phil asks, when all the adults are comfortable sitting in the living room.
“Good!” Bad is eager to answer, swaying from side to side at their designated spot at the coach. “May I?” Xe points at the fidget toys basket that was near Phil.
“Of course Halo, grab whatever you feel like” Fit honestly says, slightly moving the mentioned basket so it's more reachable for Bad. They rummaged and grabbed a shark filled with sand, squeezing it, while sometimes twisting a bit the tangle that was still at their forearm. “And we already talked this morning, but everything is good I think. Ramón is feeling better at least.” He says then, directed to Phil this time, since he already told Bad, and Phil just nods.
The three of the adults look at the kids, Dapper is tightly hugging their lobster plushie and Ramón has Dapper's sensory slug called ‘Pomme’, wiggling it side to side so it makes sound, both of them excitedly signing at each other.
Chayanne is near them, pretty focused on his picky-pad, and Fit hopes it helps the child with his skin picking problems. It always hurts to see Chayanne so full of band-aids, but it's not like he can control it, yet.
Chayanne suffered a lot masking at foster care so he could get adopted easily, helping Lullah, too. Making sure of his sister being adopted with him, and protecting her even if it meant something bad for him.
Dapper suffered a lot, too, don't get him wrong. But, Fit can understand Chayanne pretty well, better than anyone else, both of them being high-masking autistic people, and because of that, both of them end up having a lot of issues.
Just because they both tried to fit in, even when this world is not even meant for them to fit in, in the first place.
Fit can't even imagine how hard it was for Chayanne, who is also ADHD, to mask as well as he could so both him and his sister could have a minimum possibility of being adopted forever and together, and not just fostered.
It sure felt so isolating, it sure hurt having to pretend to be something that you aren't just to seek and acquire some permanent love.
Fit is so grateful of Phil being such a great father, and Missa, and Kristin, too.
And all their group of friends equally taking good care of their children, like a big family.
It feels too good to be true.
Or maybe Fit just finally found people that really care.
Dapper walks to where the adults are sitting, and without signing anything they grab one of the pop-its from the fidget toy basket, and goes back to where their friends were.
The kid starts using the pop-it while toe-hopping and looking at Ramón signing something, which seems to be something funny because it makes both children giggle.
Fit vaguely wonders if Dapper is doing some sort of pattern, since the child seems to be popping the exact same bubbles again and again, sometimes walking on their tiptoes while slightly pacing around Ramón, who is trying to grab Chayanne's attention, task that it's a bit complicated since Phil's kid is too focused on his picky-pad right now, but Ramón is patient.
The three adults were doing some small talk when the doorbell rang again, and Fit quickly went to the entrance of the apartment, readjusting their hearing-aids and gloves, starting to get too excited with all the company.
“Here is the most wonderful bald man!” Tubbo screams at the sight of Fit, and excitedly grabs their shoulders and shakes them. “So long! I can't believe we didn't see each other for so long!” Mushroom says, as it keeps shaking them.
“It's been a couple of days only, Tubbo” The american laughs, still being shaken up by Tubbo. “Welcome”
“Exactly man!! too long!!” Tubbo sprints inside of the apartment, and Fit just sighs at his friend's energy.
Fit looks down at Sunny, who was hiding behind their father before it sprinted to go with Bad and Phil.
“Uncle Fit! uncle Fit!” The mentioned child excitedly signs while looking at them with her big eyes, their sunglasses resting at her head, near their pink crown.
“Hello, little star” Fit greets while smiling down at them, waiting for her to enter the apartment. When Sunny doesn't do that, Fit speaks again, a bit concerned about the kid. “Everything good, Sunny?”
The adult crouches down to be at the child's height, and Sunny nods, even though she seems a bit hesitant, hardly clutching at their brown cat plushie.
The child lifts the plushie, so it's near Fit, so he looks at it with a questioning expression.
“Regulus is a bit scared” Sunny signs, and then pets the plushie's head, trying to comfort it.
“Ow, I see” Fit says, trying not to melt from cuteness, while thinking what to do. Sometimes it's complicated to say what a child needs to hear. Especially a kid like Sunny, who is always hesitant to go with their own friends, because she feels like a burden, which hurts coming from such a young kid. “It's okay to be scared, Regulus.” Now it's Fit's turn to pet the cat's head. “What about this? We could be near the adults for a bit, so you can calm down, and then you can decide if you want to go with the kids. Sunny can do the same if they want to.”
Fit offers his metallic hand —covered by the glove— to Sunny, who nods and grabs it without a second thought, apparently happy with the idea offered by the adult. Fit uses their other hand to grab both Sunny's gift and their bag, shutting the door.
They make their way to the adults, and
Sunny squeezes his hand pretty hard, Fit can't really feel it but he was looking at them. She then returns the look at Fit, who makes again a confused expression, not knowing what they want, and the child lets go of Fit's hand.
"I'm sorry if I squeeze you hard" Sunny apologizes, quickly signing while breaking eye contact and looking at the floor instead, she seems a bit guilty.
Fit sadly smiles, remembering that Sunny doesn't know about his prosthetic, like most of the children.
"It's okay Sunny, squeeze as much as you please, I don't mind."
“Here you are, puppet!” Tubbo says when both of them approach the adults, fidgeting with a simple dimple, making a ‘pop’ sound while speaking in an animated manner. “I was waiting for you to go with the boys!”
Fit smiles down at Sunny, who returns a more shy and awkward smile, big eyes pleading for Fit to say something to their dad.
“Regulus was a bit anxious, so they're gonna stay with us for a bit if you don't mind.” Fit simply explains, and the other three adults say that there's no problem.
Now that Sunny is with her father, Fit quickly goes to put the gift and bag with the others.
A while later the four adults are comfortably sitting, Sunny almost hiding behind Fit and Tubbo, happily playing with their plushie, putting the pink crown on it and giggling every time it falls off.
“Where's Quackity?” Bad asks, looking around for him, knowing he's not here. “I thought he was going to come, too”
Tubbo and Quackity live together, so that's why Bad is asking Tubbo.
They're just good friends that wanted to live together, both of them taking care of Sunny, when she randomly appeared at Tubbo's door one day, demanding Tubbo to adopt her, like the queen she is.
Fit vaguely wonders if he'll ever be prepared to live with someone else again, when Tubbo's voice makes them ignore that thought and come back to the conversation.
“He's busy trying to adopt Chunsik.” Tubbo explains, fastly popping the simple dimple. “But it's taking so looong!” The british groans. “Pepito is so excited every time he sees Chunsik! and all of the kids feel the same, really. I know it! And Chunsik clearly wants to live with us permanently. I don't understand why it's taking soo long!”
“It's just hard, Tubbo. We all know how it is.” The three adults nod at Bad's words, who is squeezing the sand filled fidget, apparently they returned the tangle to the basket already, because Fit can't see it near xem. “Adopting and fostering is pretty different, and it's common to take a while.”
“And!” Tubbo seems mad at the situation while furiously using the simple dimple. Fit vaguely thinks about offering it a stress ball instead. “They don't like the fact that Quackity lives with me! They say that stupid thing of “it's better if the child has two parents”” Tubbo loudly groans, and Fit wonders if it's one of his vocal stims, since he seems to groan a lot. “So now he needs a partner?? He doesn't want one! That is soo stupid!” Fit was going to try to say something to cheer it up, but Tubbo continued. “Single parents are as valid as two parents! And multiple parents, too! I don't understand why it matters, if Chunsik is happy here, why does it matter if Quackity wants to f-” Tubbo glances at Bad, who sighs. “If Quackity has a muffin partner! He's literally aromantic.”
“There are a lot of uneducated people out there, Tubbo.” Phil notes, and Fit hums while nodding. Tubbo just shrugs and makes a hurt face. “Don't overthink it too much. It's gonna take a while, but I'm sure Chunsik will be here sooner than we thought. And we'll properly welcome him, as he deserves.”
“Yeah” Bad chimes in again. “Quackity is awesome, he's an amazing foster parent, he owns Purgatory café, he also works at that company as a translator. He's pretty stable for a kid like Chunsik.” Fit hums and nods at Bad's words. “And he's also neurodivergent, which is ideal knowing that Chunsik struggles with his autism a lot, not any parent is qualified enough to accommodate his needs.”
“Besides, if we ignore the fact that he already took care of Tilín when she was a foster, before he was adopted again by her biological parents, Quackity also takes care of Sunny, which is also a good thing. I'm sure we'll see Chunsik soon. Maybe we could move some strings, Bad.” The mentioned nods, and Phil continues. “But we have to be patient, we know that this kind of thing takes a lot. Legal stuff and all of that.”
“I miss Chunsik” Sunny suddenly chimes in, and quickly signs, almost as fast as her father talks. “I want to hug him. And show him that our home is the best. And I want to hear him talking about bees. He loves bees.”
Fit almost wants to cry of pure frustration at the child's words. Sunny and Chunsik are hurting but they can't do anything about it, which is unfair. But, legal stuff as Phil said.
“It's okay, puppet. He'll come home soon” Tubbo tries to cheer her up offering the fidget basket, but Sunny quickly declines with their head and continues signing, while her father keeps popping the simple dimple.
“He’s sad when he's not with us. They call him a girl. He's not a girl. He's a boy.”
All the adults keep silent.
Who do you explain to a child, that some adults just choose to be transphobic against a little kid?
“Sunny” Bad calls, a sad but tender smile on xeir face. “Some people are just… mean. Even adults.”
“Not fair” Sunny signs and does grabby hands at Bad, who lifts the child and hugs them, rocking Sunny in their arms. “Not fair”
“I know, little star. Sometimes adults are a bit… silly.” Fit says, and offers Regulus to the child, who nods and grabs it with a sad expression. “But you know what? We are going to be okay, because we're together.” Sunny nods again and Fit gets off one of their gloves —the one from his good hand—, and reaches to wipe out some of the tears that started to fall from the child's eyes, Bad starts to rock them while humming something under their breath, trying to make soothing movements to help Sunny regulate.
“Should we go with the kids so Sunny feels less overwhelmed?” Phil whispers at Fit's hear, and the second mentioned just nods, not really knowing what else could they do to cheer up the child.
“We're gonna go with the kids. If you need us, Sunny, tell your dad to call for us, okay?” Fit says, tone low and sweet. Sunny nods, even when she has their face against Bad's chest now, hiding her tears.
Dapper is now on the sofa, calmly reading a book that seemed to be about different types of animals, while Ramón and Chayanne were just sitting on the floor, sorting some of Ramón's small crocodiles figurines into a straight line.
Chayanne was sitting on a w pose, and Fit could see Phil's expression morphing into concern when he noticed it, too.
“Chayanne, don't sit like that, please." Phil gently says, looking at his child, who seems a bit shocked at the sudden voice, almost knocking off one of the figurines.
“Yeah, Chayanne. If you keep sitting like that, your legs would end up just like your dad's” Fit jokes, loving the offended gasp that Phil lets out, Chayanne quickly gets up while Dapper and Ramón laugh.
Phil was going to answer, but the doorbell rang again, and Fit sprinted to the entrance, the first mentioned screaming nonsenses at them while the kids laughed louder this time. Before opening the door, Fit quickly glances at Sunny, she seems to be feeling better, now signing something to her father, Tubbo patiently listening to them occasionally popping the simple dimple while Bad keeps rocking her, Regulus beside them with the pink crown and sunglasses on, above the shark filled with sand that Bad was using before.
“Hi!” Tina screams as she hugs Fit, seeing pretty excited, swaying them from side to side. At this point it feels like Fit is their personal fidget toy, in a good way, because of how much the others liked to shake and squeeze them. “So long no see!”
Before he could answer, they noticed Empanada trying to get his attention already.
“Uncle Fit!!” Empanada happily signs and hugs Fit too, who has to bend down a little to reciprocate the hug with both mother and daughter.
“I thought Niki was the one coming?” Fit asks when they grew apart and he steps aside so they can enter, trying so hard to sound casual, not wanting to sound rude. He really appreciates Tina's presence too.
They thought that Quackity, Niki, Kristin or Missa would appear, and they already mentally prepared himself for that. But they didn't think about the possibility of either of them not coming today, which is a bit… not good.
“Yeah, I thought so, too” Tina bends down and lifts Empanada, carrying her. “But she called a bit ago saying that she's too busy with the bakery today. So here I am.”
Fit nods, and seeing that Tina is too busy having Empanada in his arms, asks if he can grab the child's bag with the gift, and Tina just nods, walking to the rest of the kids while Fit lets the bag and gift rest with the other ones, all the parents coming with their own bag full of their kids comfort items and a bunch of stuff just in case they needed something.
When Tina comes to the adults now that Empanada is with the kids, Fit calls for her attention, and Tina looks at them with narrowing eyes, since Fit had a big and mischievous grin on his face.
“Something to tell me, Tina?" Fit says while bowing both their eyebrows up and down, his grin getting bigger as they talk.
Tina decides to purposely ignore him, grabbing a stress ball that looks like a fish, and squeezes it intensely looking at Fit's eyes. Both Tubbo and Bad giggle at the interaction while Phil just sighs.
When none of the adults dare to chime in, Tina surrenders and answers.
"Nothing's new.” She just says, profusely squeezing the fidget hard while keeping eye contact. “This is you by the way Fit” She squeezes hard again, and Fit laughs at the sweet threat.
“And what about Em's other mother, uh?” Fit asks, Phil and Tubbo loudly gasp on purpose, adding drama. Bad grabs the shark that they were using and puts it at the other side, with fear of Tina breaking the fish and then wanting the shark.
“You're gonna have to be a bit more specific than that, buddy.”
“Bagi?” Fit names, and Tina throws at them the fish fidget, missing. “Almost. Nice throw tho” The american laughs and gives bun the fidget back, who squeezes it again, this time a bit more gentle, trying not to accidentally scratch it with her long painted nails.
“Okay” Tina sighs and crosses her arms over buns chest. “Bagi's moving with me. So yeah, Empanada has another mom, and I'm gonna have another kid. They're coming soon. I hope.”
“Oh, yeah, Richas, isn't it?” Bad excitedly asks, looking at Tina, who nods, shyly smiling.
“Yep. I'm pretty excited, even though I don't know if Richarlyson likes me. They're a… hard kid, but I love them so much and I can't wait to see them in person again.”
“We can help you with them" Fit says, trying to offer a reassuring option, the rest of the adults nodding at his words, agreeing. “Oh, speaking of that. Do you know when they are coming?”
“Richas' birthday is this Monday, so I'm guessing after that, because the child wants to spend it there before coming here.” Tina explains articulating with her hands, while Fit realizes that it's only four days after Ramón's own birthday. Good to know. “I respect that decision, so I'll go with Bagi to celebrate Richarlyson's birthday there, and we'll come back here, all of us together. Bagi's friends too.”
“New friends!” Tubbo screams, and Fit tries so hard not to flinch and cover their ears at the sudden high-pitched scream. He can't really tell if mushroom' excited or not, but then it gets up and shakes Tina's shoulders, and Tina does the same to him. So yeah, they're both pretty excited.
Fit smiles at the interaction, both anxious and happy for the news. He glances at the children, none of the kids seem overwhelmed with all the people that are inside the same room right now, which is good. Yeah. Good. Everything good.
Empanada seems to be signing something to Dapper, who is really interested in whatever they're saying. Dapper accidentally pulls at their own hair as a stim, not really noticing it until their father Bad calmly corrects Dapper, guiding them so they twirl their hair instead, efficiently redirecting their harmful stim to something better.
Fit almost feels jealous of Bad.
Fit feels like he's the only parent that has a bunch of struggles with taking care of Ramón, but he also knows that those thoughts are just their silly brain trying to trick them into being sad.
Everyone struggles, even if it doesn't seem like it from the outside.
Ramón seems to be genuinely having a great time, so Fit sighs of relief. The kid deserves to have the best birthday ever.
Which makes them remember something, trying to ignore the bad thoughts.
“Ramón” Fit tries to grab the kid's attention, who is sharing the weighted blanket with Dapper, while Tina and Tubbo keep screaming to the other from excitement. Chayanne, Sunny and Empanada were close, raising their heads at the kid's name being mentioned, curiously looking at Fit. “Would you like to open the presents here in front of everyone, or later on your own?”
Ramón seems a bit hesitant, thinking hard about the answer that he preferred. Fit waits patiently for his kid to decide.
“Later” The child signs, and Fit just nods, understanding that awkward feeling of having to open gifts in front of everyone, faking his reactions to not hurt anyone.
All of the children and their parents understand, too. So no one minds at all.
When Fit sits again, it seems like he missed something important, because Tubbo is furiously speaking or maybe cursing someone.
The american arcs a brow and looks at Phil, who just shrugs, vaguely pointing with his head at Badboy.
“Fit!” Tubbo suddenly calls them, making him jump a bit because it screamed, but seemed to be an accident. “Sorry, sorry. You just came at the perfect time! we were talking about an idiot that was saying bad things about, uh, Bad!” Tubbo points at the mentioned, and whispers a bunch of curses, knowing that they don't like to hear them, so it just lowers his tone. “Tell them Bad! Tell him what we're talking about!” Phil hits Tubbo with his elbow. “Ow! I mean. Bad, tell Fit about what happened, only if you want and you're comfortable enough to repeat it, of course.” Phil nods in approval at Tubbo's words this time.
Fit looks at Bad, and they just nod, trying to hide a laugh from the previous interaction between both of the british.
“It’s not that bad, I prefer not to give it too much importance.” Bad reaches and grabs a fidget cube, pulsing a bunch of the buttons while talking. “So, before the daycare opened again, I had some call interviews with some parents. And, for some reason, the parents of one of the children got mad at me, because they couldn't believe I was the owner of The Nest” Fit is a bit confused about where this is going, but since Tubbo, Tina, and Phil seem ready to throw punches, he figures it's not gonna be funny. “After some discussion I dared to ask why. And they told me, something like, how is it possible that I own a daycare if I'm autistic.” Fit gasps of surprise, clutching his own fists. That's not fair. “Then, the mom started accusing me of faking it, saying that I don't look autistic at all. The father agreed and said that I can't be autistic because I talk perfectly fine.”
“That's so fucking messed up!” Bad whispers a low ‘language’ but xe doesn't seem to really mind. “I'm literally autistic AND hyper-verbal! People just want to be stupid because they want to at this point! you can be educated as much as you want just by doing a quick research! But they choose to keep being ignorant just because it's easier! And because hating is easier than trying to listen for once!”
“That was something else, for sure” Phil sighs, while Tina and Tubbo loudly discuss to each other about their violent solutions. “It’s sad, because you know for sure that their child is gonna grow up thinking the same.” Bad reaches xeir hand and gives Phil the fidget cube. “Thanks?” Phil starts using the switch at the side, the clicking sound mixed with the giggles of the children feels nice, and Fit sighs, trying to control himself. “Anyway. Last year we had a bit of a struggle because Lullah had a lot of meltdowns, and some of her classmates were making fun of her for it, which made Chayanne get into a lot of fights.” Phil sighs again, this time it felt even more exhausted. “I talked to the parents, and, well. All of them were ableist, which was not a surprise, they just said that my kids are too sensitive.”
“That's not something bad!” Tubbo chimes in, pretty frustrated about this whole conversation.
“Of course not. But some people are just… not willing to educate themselves, as you said. So, new school this year, and hopefully, more respectful people this time.”
“Can I have it?” Tina asks, pointing at the fidget cube, apparently trying to lower her tone of voice, since her expression was full of anger.
“Of course. Is this like some sort of thing where if you have the cube, you have the turn to talk?” Phil half jokes while passing the fidget to Tina, who just shrugs. “Are we accidentally doing group therapy?”
“Dunno. It's nice” She just says, shrugging. “So, as you know, Niki was supposed to be here. But, she couldn't make it today, because she had trouble with a client. This woman was demanding Niki to take off her LGBTQ+ flag from the wall of her bakery! Insane.”
“That's actually pretty insane” Phil says quickly, being one of the only ones that can process the words fastly enough to answer almost at the moment. “Imagine someone asking you that. I'll absolutely go insane.”
“Some people just don't deserve to be able to express their opinions!” Tubbo screams, followed by a low “sorry” because he accidentally startled Bad this time, who shakes xeir head a bunch of times.
“Talking about opinions” Fit starts, and Tina gives them the fidget cube, but Fit just looks at it and does nothing with it, winning some questioning looks, but no one says anything. “Yesterday, when Ramón had that meltdown, one trainee teacher thought that we were having a “bad situation at home”, judging me by my appearance, and then said that's why Ramón has meltdowns.”
Phil, Bad, Tubbo and Tina loudly protest at the same time, the four of them saying how messed up and unfair that was. Fit just nods, not caring about it so much anymore, not now that Ramón is safe at home, with his friends.
Tubbo then sighs, and calls for the attention of the adults, apparently trying to lighten the mood a bit.
“My classmates are pretty chill actually.” Fit laughs, and gives Tubbo the fidget cube. He starts rubbing the little ball that it has. “And Quackity doesn't let anyone speak bad to me, so I'm good. Both places are very safe, which I'm very grateful for.”
“Talking about that!” Tina suddenly chimes in. “I forgot to tell you, Tubbo! Do you remember the shop that closed in front of Purgatory?” Tina questions, looking at the mentioned, who just nods. “Bagi bought it! She's gonna open a café, too!”
“We're gonna be neighbors then!!” Tubbo gets up and happily jumps up and down while clapping his hands, the fidget forgotten at the couch.
“Yeah!! Are you excited??” Tina half jokes, and Tubbo just nods, still jumping while the other adults smile at the interaction. “You're not allowed to enter, by the way” Tina suddenly says, pointing at Fit, who just tilts his head to the side, a bit confused.
“Why?”
“It's gonna be a cat café! You're gonna die if you go inside. It's gonna be full of kitties!” Oh, yeah, that. Fit sometimes forgets that he's pretty allergic to cats. Tina makes a high pitched sound and continues. “Quackity’s café may have books, but we're gonna have cats! That's better.”
“Not so better if someone dies because of the cats, tho” Bad notes and Phil aggressively nods, Fit just laughs.
“Are we gonna ignore the fact that Tina just said “we're”? So, Bagi's gonna share the café with you??” Tubbo chimes in, seeming even more excited than Tina is, which is a lot to say.
“I'd love to share it with her. But I'm scared to ask, so I don't really know yet.”
They all fall into a more relaxed conversation, all the adults using some fidgets of the basket, but only one of them is fidgeting with their gloves, sometimes glancing at the kids to see what they're up to.
Fit, happy to see all the children having fun, unconsciously shakes his hand a bit and then represses it when noticing.
Phil glances at him, a strange expression on his face, but says nothing and just sighs, following with the conversation that the adults are having. Fit vaguely considers getting off his hearing aids as a joke, like trying to say that Phil is talking too much, but they decide not to do that, because that sounds a bit mean. Maybe later.
The time of the cake arrives, and Ramón happily blows off the candle that had a big eight on it.
It was silent since everyone knows that Ramón, most of the kids and especially Phil and Fit don't do well with a lot of yelling, so when the candle is blown, everyone just smiles while some of the children jump up and down, and Fit tells his kid how much they love him.
You couldn't even tell it was a birthday party if it was not for all the children happily stimming while Ramón tries to give the portions of cake, all the pieces having the same exact size. All the adults were sitting, while the children were running around, giggling all the time.
"I'm glad Ramón's having fun at his birthday" Phil whispers near Fit, who acts offended at that.
"Phil? Are you doubting me?” Fit looks at his friend with a stupid expression, trying to look and sound extra offended. “That's a bit rude, dude. Especially after what I told you about the trainee teacher today."
"I don't want to be rude but, you literally made hamburgers for Dapper's birthday."
Dapper tugs at Phil's sleeve, and quickly signs while looking at him defiantly.
“And I really enjoyed them!”
Fit and Tubbo break into a set of laughter while Phil just sighs, redirecting his attention to Bad and Tina instead.
“Oh my- careful Dapper” Bad sweetly corrects since the mentioned child was standing on one of the chairs, trying to be noticed by Phil and Fit. “Chayanne, you too. I'm gonna have a heart attack!” Bad says when xe sees the mentioned kid trying to get up on one of the chairs next to Dapper.
Ramón waves his hand at Bad, who looks at the child and lifts him so he's sitting at Bad's lap, the last mentioned patiently waiting for him to sign or use his communication cards, grabbing Techno so he doesn't fall off their legs.
"Why are you always trying to take care of everyone?" Ramón hesitantly asks Bad, who just fondly smiles, and Fit who was looking at the interaction sighs.
This child and his questions.
"Oh sweetheart, that's an amazing question. Let me think about my answer.” Bad touches their own chin, looking like xe’s thinking hard, even though they're just faking it. Bad quickly glances at Fit, who just nods, knowing that Ramón will understand whatever they want to answer. “I had… a hard life. So now, I want to help as many people as I can, so they don't experience the same as me. Do you like my answer, Rrramón?" Badboy does that thing with Ramón’s name that makes the other giggle every time, and he nods, understanding, just as Fit figured.
He's a smart kid. And a pretty emphatic one, of course he'd understand.
"So, just like Fit!” Ramón excitedly signs, shocking his father a bit, but Bad just widely smiles, nodding. Tubbo playfully hits Fit's shoulder with its own and smiles at them. "Would you like to be with my dad? I'm sure he'll appreciate having a good partner."
Phil gasps, this time truly shocked by the child's words. Tina and Tubbo loudly laugh, and Bad just looks at the child, their gaze tender and full of love, but a bit shocked nonetheless.
"Ramón!" Fit scolds, and the mentioned just giggles, wiggling a bit at Bad's lap, while Fit is blushing hard. "I already told you, don't embarrass me like that!"
"You're always thinking about your father's wellness, aren't you, Rramón?" The mentioned giggles again, and Bad secures him so he doesn't fall off, grabbing Techno too. "I'm sorry, little engineer, but I'm aroace. Do you know what that means?"
Ramón furiously nods. "Of course uncle Bad! Fit already taught me, but you could be platonic!"
"We could. But the thing is, little engineer, that neither your father or I want that, so, it's not possible."
Ramón seems a bit sad, but nods anyway. Fit sighs, thinking what to say, but Phil interrupts.
“I know you're busy trying to date our friend” Fit groaned, and was close to getting off his hearing aids, when Phil waved his hand. “Sorry, sorry! I'm serious now, Chayanne really wants another of his picky-pads. Can you get it, please? It's in his bag. He said he doesn't mind which one.” Then, Phil leans near Fit —since all the adults are still sitting on the chairs while some of the kids play near them—, and whispers in his ear. “My knees are killing me, I don't think I can get up soon, but Chay really really needs it”
“Of course, Phil. Just one second” Fit looks at Ramón, who is fidgeting with Techno. “Ramón, I'm gonna go grab Chayanne's bag. Wanna come with?” Ramón nods and Fit easily lifts his kid, sending a ‘sorry’ glance towards Bad, who just dismisses it waving their hand.
“Ramón, you need to stop trying to make me date my friends.” Fit whispers to his kid, when they're far from the group. Ramón seems at least a bit guilty from what he said.
“Sorry.”
“It's okay. I'm not mad. I just don't want you to make someone uncomfortable.” The father caresses the child's locks, Ramón looking at them with his big eyes, signing a bunch of “sorry” more.
Some time later, everyone was getting their stuff since time to leave arrived, even though no one seemed to really want to go yet.
Fit looks at his friends.
Bad is carefully rocking Dapper who seems to be exhausted at their lap, Empanada, Tubbo and Tina are talking about whatever while Sunny is hiding behind her father, and Phil is rambling about something to Chayanne while he contently uses his new picky-pad.
Ramón was listening to Phil ramble while clutching at Techno and rubbing his eyes, tired just like the other children from all the excitement of today.
Fit is a bit hesitant still of having so many people at the apartment. The fear of the possibility of… someone else appearing, following a guest or whatever is always there, at the back of Fit's mind, waiting until they're alone to start attacking him again with the worst possible thoughts ever.
Everything feels too perfect right now, too perfect it's even unreal.
Fit is… waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Something— something has to go wrong.
Life can't be this good. Can it be?
He needs a cigarette so bad. Maybe two.
Phil slightly touches Fit's shoulder, who tries so hard not to be startled at the sudden contact and not to violently jerk away.
Fit looks at Phil, who silently mouths a “you okay”, his expression full of concern while he squeezes at their shoulder. The american blinks a bunch of times and then nods, trying to keep calm and not to worry his friend, but the look that Phil gives Fit speaks louder than words could ever do. He doesn't believe them but he's not gonna push it with all the kids here.
When everyone is gone, both Ramón and Fit peacefully have dinner, talking about how the little party was for Ramón.
The child seems to have had a great time, which means everything to Fit.
When dinner is over, it is time for presents.
Ramón meticulously and slowly opens every one of them, loudly stimming each time the gift was Minecraft or crocodile related.
Then, it's time for Fit's gift.
“My own sewing kit?” Ramón signs, tears picking up at his beautiful eyes. “You always listen to me”
“Of course I do, Ramón.” Fit opens his arms, and the child quickly runs to hug his father, who pets his head. “I love you, my boy. Happy birthday, again”
“Love you” Ramón backs up a bit just to sign, and then goes for another hug, happily nuzzling in his father's embrace.
The father takes a picture of the son with all the presents, and Fit, before sending it to the parents group with all his friends in there, shows Ramón the photo, and the kid nods, giving them his approval to share the picture with the rest of their friends.
Fit tucks Ramón at bed, all the gifts that he got surrounding him, and Techno is there too, of course. Fit carefully grabs Techno, and puts the plushie under Ramón's weighted blanket, making him giggle at that silly action.
The father sings their special lullaby to the child, who tiredly smiles and quickly falls asleep.
Some parents send pictures of their children sleeping already, which makes the american’s heart melt and smile at each one of the photos.
Fit tries so so hard to sleep, and to stop thinking about— well. just stop thinking at all.
He doesn't want to smoke again. So they try to distract himself by doing some chores, being careful not to make noise so he doesn't disrupt Ramón's beauty sleep.
Some hours later, Fit groans at the sound of his phone, wondering who would text him at this lonely hour, when they were furiously writing down the new script for his podcast, finally focused on it.
If it's another of the parents again, they're gonna lose it.
He needs to continue working on this.
But the sound of the notifications popping off is starting to be too much, even without the hearing aids on.
They groan and pick up the phone.
His tired eyes move across the screen, trying to understand what the hell he's reading, but it seems to be in another language that vaguely runs a bell at their head, knowing that he saw or heard it before already. Seems similar to how Roier writes on the parents group.
But maybe it's just a scam, or a prank from Tubbo…
Thinking about it, Fit's pretty sure Quackity sent a picture of Tubbo and Sunny sleeping hugging each other some hours ago, so it can't be him.
Fit vaguely thinks about asking Quackity for a better and much more accurate translation, but it's too late to bother him with this. He's probably sleeping too.
Fit quickly uses the translator, and the words that appear are just even more confusing, not helping at all to understand what it's happening, or if it's a scam.
↳Unknown number↩
>Ey
>I'm glad we could talk it out
>I'm not mad
>I hope we can talk again soon<3
Fit groans again, this time wondering why this person needed to say all of that in different messages instead of just one. So that's why the notifications were so glitchy before.
It's not like Fit likes gossip a lot…
well, screw that, they actually really enjoy it.
If the translation is correct, it seems like the person that those messages were meant to be sent, was not so happy about whatever talk they had, if they gave them the wrong number. Or maybe it was just a mistake.
Answering doesn't seem like the best option if this is actually a scam. But, it's not like Fit wants to go to bed, so, any distraction is welcomed.
↳Unknown number↩
»Sorry, wrong number.
Fit drops the phone and continues writing down the script for the podcast, assuming the unknown number will block them or just not keep messaging after what he said.
The sound of a call enters, and Fit freaks out, quickly declining it and grabbing the phone again, seeing a bunch of messages from the same strange number in a language that definitely is not the same as the one that Mariana speaks.
What is he supposed to do? they already said that it was the wrong number.
Why is this person still talking to him?
↳Unknown number↩
»Wrong number. And don't call ever again. I don't know who you are, and I don't understand what you're saying. I’m using a translator. Fuck off.
Fit doubts the other would answer after that. They would probably just let it on read, because why the hell would someone sane answer again, knowing it's the fucking wrong number and that the real owner of the number is not so pleased about this little mistake.
And then the phone rings again, which makes Fit more confused than when he read that strange language.
They could just stop messaging.
But for some reason, both of them keep talking.
↳Unknown number↩
>English?
»Yeah.
>Oh!
>Okay! I can do that. I think. I hope?
>I'm not the best at english but Im gonna try
>Hello strange number!
Fit scoffs. Why does this person have to write like that? It's making Fit's lack-of-sleep brain hurt more than it was already. At least they're trying to change the language so both of them can understand each other…
Wait. What if it's— what if it's him? what if he somehow tried every possible random number until he found Fit's number.
what if— what if he still remembers how they type? so now he knows it's Fit's actual number and
Another message—
Oh, this time is from Quackity. Great. That's good, that's so good. A familiar name displayed under their tired eyes.
He's asking them if he wants to go to Purgatory, since apparently Fit has been online too much and he's concerned. Okay, Fit can do that. They quickly answer and goes to prepare himself. It's late still, but not too much, besides, Ramón won't be up until a couple of hours later, so Fit has another small smoke break before going to the café, where Quackity waits for him.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
Use tone indicators if you're gonna comment, please!
Chapter 5: Purgatory and sharks.
Summary:
Fit goes to Purgatory café at night, having a charming conversation with Quackity and Tina. Then, Foolish asks for a favor, and Fit ends up taking care of Ramón, Leo, Alexandre (Lea' service dog) and Cucurucho (Foolish' axolotl).
Notes:
°Fit: he/they
°Ramón: he/him
°Leo: he/she/they
°Foolish: he/gold
°Quackity: he/him
°Tina: she/bun>Alexandre is one of Leo's friends capybaras, in case someone forgot!
I love this chapter :]
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 5, Friday»
Fit looks at the turned off sign that said “Purgatory”, and loudly sighs. Nights like these feel too intense, his mind running a mile of thoughts per second, and none of them are pleasing to have. They feel like his head is spinning and their heart is on a race uncontrollably beating, even his skin is feeling wrong making them feel so uncomfortable and wanting to go home and cry and—
Quackity is standing there, a fond smile at his face while slowly waving his hand and motioning Fit to come closer to him.
The american nods, letting the other know that they saw him.
Fit is having a bit of a hard time right now. Between the nightmares and the flashbacks from the past, being present is starting to be a bit more of a struggle than before. At least the wind from the lonely streets, mixed with the cold of the night, and the almost imperceptible shine of the stars above make him pause a few seconds to try to breathe, clenching hard at the phone at their hand, a call incoming with no sound on yet.
Is he having a shutdown? They vaguely remember all the information about it that both Phil and his therapist threw at them.
Meltdowns and shutdowns are just such a complex thing that he just prefers to try to completely ignore their body and especially his brain, see how much they can bottle up before inevitably explode.
That's gotta be healthy, right? There's clearly no issues with that.
He prefers to take care of others instead of himself. It's easier.
Before entering Purgatory —Quackity’s café-library thing or whatever—, he quickly glances at the empty shop in front of it, a big sign that said “sold” was pretty much the only thing that you could see under the moonlight.
Oh, Bagi's establishment is going to be there, yeah, Tina mentioned it.
Fit's pretty eager to see how Bagi makes this place come alive again, having Tina's help too.
Quackity switches on and off his lights from the café a bunch of times, trying to grab their attention again, and when he looks at his direction, Quackity waves his hand, and then does again a gesture to indicate that it's okay for the other to come closer.
Fit grabs a shaky breath, trying to calm down a bit. It's okay, Ramón is safe at home. It's okay.
Quackity quickly moved around his establishment while waiting for him to arrive, and when they did, both of them sat at the same table as always, low music playing in the background and dim light shining through the place.
Quackity likes to have not-so-bright lights so all his customers and employees feel comfortable, which Fit is also grateful for, since he struggles a lot with bright lights, especially the ones that are often inside places like this.
The first mentioned, without saying anything —now that Fit thinks about it, he didn't speak at all yet, so maybe he's feeling too overwhelmed to pronounce words—, pushes over their direction a pure black coffee, just as Fit likes, and a textured tangle. Fit arcs one of his eyebrows at the fidget, a questioning look all over his face when they perk up to look at Quackity’s eyes, even if this action feels painful for him.
“It's the only fidget that I ever saw you using, so I thought you'd appreciate it” Quackity fastly signs, shrugging it off, and then reaches into his pocket and shows Fit a stress ball that looks like a duckling. It's quite cute.
Fit’s certain he already saw Quackity using it a bunch of times before, and by its aspect, it's true. That fidget it's almost destroyed, but that only means that it was well loved. “I like this one.” He signs then, like if he heard Fit's thoughts and answered them, proving Fit's point, and he squeezes it, the little duckling makes a silly face that shows a bit of its filling.
Fit nods, not knowing what to say or do, amused by how loved that duckling looks, with all the times it seems to have been used. He's almost jealous of how often Quackity expresses and accommodates himself without repressing it.
Fit would love to be free, too. but. but. hard.
Hard to accept yourself and fully embrace it.
Hard to stop the bad thoughts.
He takes a long sip of the coffee, wishing it was a cigarette instead. Maybe later. Or not, if Ramón wakes up soon, and since he always follows his own established routine, he's most likely to wake up in a bit.
“You okay?” Quackity signs, and Fit automatically nods, a bit confused about the sudden question, but they figure that he has been spaced out and Quackity tried to say something, but got no answer. “Are you overwhelmed? you're without hearing aids.”
“Oh” Fit reaches to touch his own ears and notices the lack of hearing aids, both missing. “I'm okay, just forgot to wear them. You can speak if you want, just near me and as loud and clear as possible. It should be fine.”
Okay. Maybe Fit is a bit flustered, because Quackity didn't even question seeing him without hearing aids, he just went for signing in case speaking was a bit too much for Fit to handle today, which is pretty considerate of him. He takes another sip of the coffee. They have the best friends ever.
Fit subtly shakes their own head. He sometimes forgets how much he loves their friends. They're always so supportive— it feels so nice. It almost feels like… home?
“Who are you calling?” Quackity asks, tone loud and clear, while pointing at Fit's phone, the fidget making a bit of a goofy sound each time Quackity squeezes it, now being able to hear it since he apparently moved his own chair a bit to be near Fit. “I thought you didn't like calls.” He adds, in a humorous tone this time.
“I don't” Fit is quick to reply, accidently using a deadpan tone, darting their eyes to the floor. “Ramón” They simply say, moving the phone a bit, and then, he shows the screen to the mexican. “We're muted, so he's not awakened by our voices, but I can hear him if he wakes up screaming or crying or whatever.” Quackity makes a humming sound while nodding, listening. “I also left a note explaining that I'm here with you, and that if he needs me, he can end the call or text me and I'll be there as soon as possible.”
“That's genius actually. You're a great father.” Quackity praises and then reaches into his pocket again, grabbing another duckling, and carefully puts this new one above a book that was laying at the table they're sitting. “I hope Chunsik likes ducks.” He suddenly comments, shocking Fit a bit, who sighs and tries to think what to say, not wanting to hurt his friend's feelings.
Would Quackity hurt Fit’s feelings? of course not. But maybe do a stupid prank like messaging them at whatever hour, using one of the languages that he speaks and he doesn't, so Fit becomes even more paranoid? maybe.
A little voice on Fit's head that conveniently sounds a bit too much like Phil's, says something like ‘none of your friends would hurt you like that purposely, mate’, but they ignore it, pushing it away with a long sip of their coffee.
“I'm sure he likes them, and I don't consider myself a good father, I don't like leaving him alone. It hurts me.” Before Quackity could answer Fit's honest words, he continues, this time using an accusatory tone, remembering the messages that he received —and keeps receiving even when Quackity is literally right there and he's not touching his phone at all—. But they also need to change the conversation before it starts to hurt. “That wasn't funny at all, by the way”
Quackity, who was sadly looking at Fit at the words pronounced, suddenly straightens his posture, frowns and then lifts both his hands on surrender, a panic expression morphing into his face.
"Oh come on Fit!” He fastly says, using a high-pitched tone. “I already said that Chayanne tripped! I didn't push him!”
"What?"
"What?"
The american slowly blinks, trying to keep his cool. Of course none of his friends would do that. What the hell are they thinking?
He needs to trust his people more.
“Nevermind. You're too sleep deprived to plan something like this.” Fit sighs and takes a long sip of his coffee. It's not like he's willing to sleep soon, either way, so fuck it. Maybe two coffees help them forget about wanting to smoke again, since he just smoked back at home.
Hell, they even forgot their hearing aids because of having that smoke break. Maybe it's starting to become a problem.
He has coffee now though, or that's what they're trying to think, while mindlessly moving the cup around, feeling the liquid dancing inside it.
“I'm pretty sure you're as sleep deprived as me, buddy” Quackity points at them, and Fit tries not to laugh, since the mexican had the duck still on his hand, even when pointing at them, which looked pretty funny instead of intimidating. “Talking about that. Why aren't you sleeping?” Quackity squeezes the fidget while talking, Fit focuses all his attention on the silly face of the little duckling instead of the other. “Answer only if you want to.”
“Uh. You first?” Fit says a bit awkwardly, trying so hard not to fidget with the hem of his shirt.
“I'm just, uhm, concerned about Chunsik. You?”
Fit shifts uncomfortable on his chair. Of course Quackity would be distressed about that, how stupid of them to not think about that. He feels a bit selfish sometimes, but their mind can only think about Ramón.
Fit scoots the textured tangle back, so it touches Quackity's back hand, purposely ignoring the question. The mexican throws a glance at Fit that looks questioning or something like that, but just sighs and grabs the tangle, twisting it. Both the ducklings look at Fit with what he assumes is a grateful face, even though they're just fidget toys.
“I'm sure Chunsik’s gonna be home soon.” Fit offers, darting their eyes from Quackity's fidgets to the floor. The last mentioned makes a long sigh and accidentally breaks the tangle, fixing it quickly with an expert movement.
Fit wonders if telling Quackity about the fact that he has Ramón, even when they're very problematic in a lot of ways, would help him feel better. If they somehow got to be with Ramón, Quackity is gonna be with Chunsik for sure. But he chooses not to say anything more, vaguely thinking that Quackity won't appreciate Fit talking shit about himself right now, even if they're trying to cheer him up.
“Mhm.” Quackity makes a loud sound that feels pretty sarcastic. Or maybe sad, he can't tell right now, but whatever it is, he continues, shooting back the question again, not letting the other shrug it off as much as Fit would love to just not answer. “You?”
“My… sleep schedule has never been good, I guess” Fit makes some vague movements with his hand, and Quackity just shrugs and then nods, even though the mexican doesn't seem much convinced of their answer, but doesn't push too much, silently twisting the tangle.
“...nightmares?” He dares to ask after a bit of silence.
Fit nods, but says nothing. It's a complicated topic. The first mentioned takes a long, loong sip of his coffee, and it's empty now. Fit vaguely thinks about grabbing one of Quackity's books and start looking through the pages, gently caressing the paper. But that would be a bit embarrassing to do above Quackity's gaze.
The thought is there though. He always liked the paper texture of books for some reason.
Quackity's gaze darts from Fit's and ends up behind them, a big smile appearing on the mexican’s face while he excitedly waves his hand while squeaking.
“Bienvenida!” He then loudly welcomes someone, fastly getting up and going to the entrance, almost tripping on his way to the door, by the way a loud thump was heard and a bunch of curses in Spanish were thrown out from his mouth.
Fit tries not to laugh at his friend, and a bit confused looks behind, widely smiling when spotting Tina who was energetically hugging Quackity.
“I'm so excited I can't sleep” Tina says while grabbing a chair and placing it beside Quackity. Bun is talking louder than normal, Fit notes, so she apparently noticed the lack of hearing aids too. Sometimes he gets a bit self conscious about everyone noticing so quickly small things about himself. How would they react with worse ones, like their prosthetic?
“I wanna go already, oh my god. No offense”
“None taken” Quackity is fast to answer, sitting at his chair. Then, he offers Tina one of the ducklings, and she laughs while grabbing it and automatically squeezing the fidget, which squeaks for help.
Tina laughs again, this time apparently looking at the face that the duckling makes when squeezed, and then bun grabs her phone, the little decorated keychain attached to it makes little sound while she fastly messages someone, her long nails against the screen were making a sound that could be also heard in the empty room.
“Look!” Tina suddenly says, showing Quackity her screen. The last mentioned arcs his eyebrows while making a ‘uuuuh’ sound, then he whistles. “You too, Fit” Bun adds, then showing them her screen.
Fit curiously looks at it, Tina is showing them both her messages with Bagi. She seems pretty excited to see Tina again, a bunch of what Fit assumes are sweet messages mixing two languages being a proof of that.
Fit accidently reads a bit more than he should, one of the languages displayed under their eyes seems a bit too familiar, making them feel a bit strange, like he already saw it.
Where did he read something like that?
Their own phone rings, another notification, but he ignores it. Ramón’s call is more important than whatever that was.
“I love her so much” Tina says while putting away her phone, hugging it against her chest. “I'm so excited to see her again. And her friends are so cool, too. I miss them.” She sighs while mindlessly squeezing the fidget.
“Can you tell us things about Bagi's friends?” Fit suddenly asks, surprising even himself, subtly moving their hand under the table, Tina's excitement is making them feel a warm sensation, like shared happiness or something like that. Feelings are weird sometimes. “Phil told me that Kristin works with one of them. So I know a bit about that.”
“Yeah! It was so funny when Mine mentioned where they work, and then mentioned Kristin's name.”
“Really?” Quackity chimes in, a bit surprised by the news, but excited nonetheless. “That’s such a cool coincidence! Like what are the odds of them both working on the same place”
“I'm so excited! I don't even know where to start explaining things about them, but now that I think about it, maybe it's better if you just ask them instead of me though. I want you all to meet them so bad. Would you like to have like a, I don't know, welcoming party or something like that?” She looks at Quackity, who excitedly nods, great. Bun darts her eyes to Fit this time, who awkwardly shifts in his own seat. When they don't say anything, Tina adds. “Would you be okay with that?
“I guess? I don't really know” Fit shrugs. “I'm excited too, I think. It's just complicated. I don't know how to- express it?”
“Feelings are complicated, and they're worse if you can't process them like everyone else do” Quackity offers, a bit quieter than later but the perfect amount of loud to be heard by the other. “Just don't press yourself too much.”
“Just think about it, but not too much. It's a good way to meet everyone at once, but both Bagi and I would absolutely understand if you're not comfortable with that. You're invited, but you don't have to come if you're gonna be too overwhelmed.” Fit nods at Tina's words, not knowing what to say, but appreciating it either way. He hopes the small smile that they offer is enough to show it. “By the way, Fit. Are you feeling okay?”
“Oh, yeah, why?” Why is everyone being so concerned today, Fit wonders while quickly answering. “I don't have my hearing aids because I just forget to grab them before coming here”
“I'm glad you're okay. Foolish is bombing me with messages saying that you aren't answering, so gold is concerned about you.” Tina explains while looking at her own screen, the keychain attached to it making a little sound. “I'm pretty sure Roier asked about you too.”
“I'll text them in a bit, I’ve just not been that online at all, but, both of them at the same time? That's strange. Maybe Pepito needs something?” Fit looks at Quackity, who just shrugs. Tina and Quacking are squeezing the same fidget at the same time for some reason, and Fit fears it would tear up if they keep doing that, but comments nothing.
“Roier didn't tell me anything, so I doubt it”
“Okay, okay.” He looks at their own phone, a bit anxious, unconsciously moving the coffee from side to side, still at their hand. “I'm gonna check?” Fit's voice betrays them and slightly breaks at the end of the sentence, making it sound more like a question than like a statement. Quackity glanced so hard at him that he felt like they're gonna explode under the piercing gaze of the mexican.
“Do you want me to look at the messages?” Quackity offers after some seconds, using a sweet tone that almost makes Fit freak out more, offering his hand displaying it with his palm up. “Or we could just look at them together.”
“Uhm. Together?” Fit plea sounded more than a question that he intended to again, now unconsciously fidgeting with their phone case. Looking through messages with someone was always better than alone for some reason.
Tina and Quackity take no time getting up and fastly surrounding Fit, waiting for him to show the chat already, but the father is a bit hesitant of going out of the call, even when it's not gonna end, but—
“It's okay, take your time” Tina says in the sweetest tone ever, while Quackity ghosts one of his hands at their back, and only when Fit doesn't jerks off, he actually touches him, squeezing their shoulder, silently encouraging him.
Fit takes a shaky breath and actually opens the messages this time, both Tina and Quackity laugh at Foolish' nickname that Fit settled for him.
↳I totem I shark↩
>HELP
>HEELP
>HEL
>HELP IM DYING HELP
Tina loudly sighs, and Fit is trying so hard not to freak out more if that's even possible when Quackity reaches his hand and silently asks for their phone again. Fit nods, not knowing what to do and giving the phone to the other, who fastly replies.
↳I totem I shark↩
»I'm gonna need a tone indicator there man, or I'm gonna freak out pretty bad.
>oh sorry /g
>HELLP DYING /j /j
»Thank you. What's up?
>Can you please take care of Leo this afternoon pretty please please please please??
Quackity eyes Fit, who just nods. It's not the first time that he’ll take care of Lea, so it's okay, even when it was not planned for today, but Friday is Ramón’s ‘free Day's where he doesn't have to go anywhere, so Leo is always more than welcome to come.
↳I totem I shark↩
»Sure. Ramón is gonna be happy too.
>YEAH LET'S GO THANK YOU AAAAH
>YOURE THE BEST BALD MAN EVER MAN
>Alexandre has to be with Leo btw!!!!
»I know, no worries, I know how a service dog works.
>AWESOME. TINA SAID YOU'RE AT QUACKS. ARE YOU GOING HOME? I'LL GO TO YOUR HOUSE IN A BIT WITH LEO’ STUFF AND ALEXANDRE’S EXTRA LEASH and cucurucho too ᗡ:
»Wait. You didn't say Cucurucho was coming too. I don't know how to take care of an axolotl, Foolish.
>ITS JUST GONNA BE SOME HOURS!!!!
LEO KNOWs WHAT TO DO ((:
»Can I ask what's happening? Are you going with Tina?
>WHAT? NO
I NEED TO DO SOME STUPID PAPERWORK THAT IVE BEEN AVOIDING SO THE AQUARIUM KEEPS GOING!
I may or may not have forgotten about doing the important adult stuff so now it's too many paperwork and I need to really do it before it GETS toO mUch aGain
»I don't need a tone indicator to understand that this message screams “ADHD”
>THANK YOU AGAIN BYEEEE
Fit laughs at both Quackity and Foolish antics and then sighs, looking at the small numbers above the screen that indicate how much time has passed since Fit called Ramón. He misses the boy so much, maybe it is time to go, since Foolish is coming, too.
“You're so chismoso” Tina says while laughing, accusing Quackity of being such a gossiper. The other just shrugs and gives back the phone.
“Are we just gonna ignore how weird Foolish types?” Quackity asks with a humorous tone, while grabbing the fidget again and squeezing it, the little duckling doing a silly face near Fit's sight.
“I'd prefer to know how the fuck do you know how I type” Fit says, accusatory tone while looking directly at Quackity, or well, looking at his nose, which is close to his eyes, so that's something. And, Quackity little freckles are cute, all over his face. Looks like a constellation.
“I don't know”
“I think I should get going. I don't want Ramón to be alone this much” The american gets up, a bit tired still from the lack of sleep but the black coffee helped a bit. The jumpscare of Foolish was helpful to make them suddenly feel more awake, too.
But the incessant sound of their phone getting new messages —not from Foolish this time—, is starting to make them want to smash it against the wall.
He grabs Quackity's hand and gently squeezes it so the fidget is squeezed too instead.
“Aww man, why so soon??” The owner of the café says, using again a high-pitching tone mixed with a playful one, putting his free hand at his own heart, like it hurted, while he keeps the one that Fit was squeezing absolutely still, like thinking that acknowledging it would make Fit scare away somehow.
“Oh my god” Tina says laughing, and Quackity just throws a dangerous glance at her and then directs his eyes to Fit again.
“I really need to go. It's almost time for Ramón to get up, I want to be there for him, besides, Foolish says he's coming already, I don't want gold to wait for me too much. ” Fit calmly says, growing apart from the mexican and hugging Tina instead. “I hope your trip goes well, I want to see Bagi too” Tina nods in Fit's embrace. “See you soon” He adds, hugging Quackity this time, and they go home, eager to see his baby boy again.
When Ramón and Fit are almost done and prepared to go to school and work, Foolish knocks at the door, which would have made Fit shiver, but Foolish texted them a quick ‘knock knock’ so he would know who was behind the door.
Ramón is jumping up and down while flapping his hands, pretty excited to see both Foolish and Leo, even though he'll see them at the school and then home, but he's pretty excited nonetheless, Fit fondly smiles at his son while turning the door knob, smiling to the guest.
“Hello!!” Foolish excitedly greets Fit, having golds hands busy with a big backpack, Leo's service dog leash, and some more things, the small tank where Cucurucho is peacefully swimming laying on the floor near him. It's a bit small, but it's a travel water tank, so it should work for some hours here. “Hola, Ramoncito.” Foolish greets Ramón this time when Fit grabs Leo's bag, letting Foolish inside.
“Tío Foolish!” The child excitedly signs and then hugs him, nuzzling against golds clothes, giggling when the adult messes with his hair. Ramón can't contain his excitement and bounces up and down, Foolish trying to follow the apparent pattern that Ramón is doing while both of them loudly laugh now, stimming together.
Even though Fit is pretty fond of the sight right now, he also knows that they all need to be quick if they don't want to attend late to school and work, so he calls his son's name, a bit sad because of having to break their moment.
He was a bit jealous too, but they ignored that feeling and pushed it back down.
“Ramón?” The mentioned signs a small ‘what’ without looking at them, so his father continues talking. “Could you please go grab Tech, and finish preparing yourself so uncle Foolish and I can talk?”
Ramón doesn't seem pretty content with the idea, but after a bit more bouncing and hoping with his uncle Foolish, he sprints out of the living room, going inside his bedroom, where Techno, his backpack, and everything that he needs for class is waiting for him.
“When Ramón knew you were here, he even forgot to grab Techno. He's pretty excited to see you, and Leo of course” Fit says with a small smile, his gaze following the little kid running outside of the room.
Foolish just chuckles, and suddenly gasps and turns around to start rummaging inside Lea's backpack. He grabs some papers that gold energetically shoves to Fit's chest, who almost drops them a bit startled by the sudden movement, Foolish rushes out a bunch of apologies, patiently explaining that he's pretty excited but also a bit scared. Fit shushes gold, knowing that feeling of needing to protect your child by heart.
Fit reads the papers, there's a bunch of Alexandre's commands, plus some basic instructions of how to take care of the white axolotl. He also notices that they're some instructions of how to handle some specific situations, like how to use Leo's inhaler or helping on a seizure. Yeah, epilepsy sounds no fun.
“I'll take care of them, don't worry too much”
Fit walks Ramón to school, the kid is still bouncing up and down pretty excited to be done with school so he can go with Leo, but he also seems to be thinking pretty hard about something else, so Fit patiently waits while he eyes his child, who is tugging at his own shirt, Techno could be seen at Ramón's backpack.
“I'm sorry, Fit” Ramón signs unexpectedly, making his father confused, now knowing where this is coming from.
“Why are you sorry?” Fit crouches down, unconsciously trying not to seem so intimidating, even when he knows Ramón is not scared of them at all.
"Yesterday” Ramón starts, signing so fast that Fit almost misses it. “What I said to uncle Bad."
Oh, that. The father hums, acknowledging his son's words. or, signs.
Fit almost wants to tear up, seeing Ramón so worked up about something like this makes them want to hug him and never let him go from the safety of his father's embrace.
"It's okay, my child.” He is quick to reassure, opening their arms, silently offering a hug. Ramón seems to hesitate a bit and then hugs them back, hiding his face against his father's body. “I understand that you're concerned about me, don't worry, I'm not mad. Bad isn't mad either. It's okay, I promise.”
Ramón frantically nods, still hiding his face, and he gets a bit away just to sign, quickly pulling his bandana up so half his face is covered.
“I just don't want you to be alone forever”
Okay, that hurted a bit.
But Fit is not gonna say that to the poor kid that is only concerned about his father's loneliness.
“I'm not alone, Ramón. I'm okay, I promise. I have you, and we have all of our friends. And maybe new ones, soon. We'll be okay.”
"sorry"
"It's okay, my boy. You were just making a genuine question, it's okay, that happens. You can ask as many questions as you want, you already know it. No one is mad. I love you" Fit quickly hugs him again, fearing that the child would think about this topic too much. Like father like son, sadly.
"Sorry sorry sorry sorry"
"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay" Ramón looks up at his dad and arches up one of his eyebrows, intensely looking at Fit's nose instead of eyes. "Oh? Did I miss any?" Ramón nods and lifts one finger, indicating that he missed one. "It's okay, my boy. You're okay. I'm not mad at you, I understand why you did it. I love you." Fit tries to reassure again, even when he knows they're not the best with words. But he just hopes Ramón understands how much they love him. Ramón nods again and returns to his father's embrace.
By the time Fit is done with work it is already time to go for the kids, so he says goodbye to Ollie and Étoiles and drives to school, waiting patiently at the doors, hoping to see Ramón and Leonardo soon, pretty excited himself but trying not to think too much about that or he'll inevitably start stimming. They try to think about smoking instead, but it doesn't seem like the best idea knowing that he's inside a school.
Ramón is the first to appear, quickly going to his father's side and hugging them tight, almost making Techno fall off from the grip that Ramón has on the plushie, tucked under his arm.
Fit returns the hug, the gut-wrenching feeling that he suffers when Ramón is far from him easing a bit now that his boy is in their embrace.
“Do you wanna wait in the car for Leo?” Fit offers, noticing the way Ramón is silently bouncing from side to side while he shakes lightly. The father waits some more seconds, letting the words sink in, and after a bit Ramón nods, looking up —but not at Fit eyes, just at his direction—, and doing grabby hands. Fit fondly smiles and lifts up Ramón, walking them both to the car.
Ramón is always allowed to go out sooner than the other kids so he doesn't get overwhelmed with all the loud noises, but Leo doesn't seem to care about that, so they'll have to wait just a little bit. But it's fine.
Ramón seems pretty cozy in the car, shaking his hands when he gets comfortable at his favorite seat, Techno sat beside him, always close. Fit turns on the radio connected to their phone, searching for the perfect song that will cheer Ramón up, letting it play low as a background sound, and the child starts to rock back and forth, humming a bit while stopping shaking his hands just to start rubbing at his own legs, caressing the fabric of his pants.
He seems to be trying so hard to regulate himself so Lea can have a great time, which makes Fit both feel proud of his son for caring so much about his friends, but also makes him a bit concerned, because that's so draining and he knows it from experience… Fit chooses to ignore both things and starts asking Ramón about his day while they wait for Leo to arrive, the child quickly signing explaining all his shenanigans of today while he keeps rocking himself.
Fit’s gaze shifts to the school door, light brown fur capturing their attention, making him widely smile and accidentally make an excited sound that was accompanied by Ramón loud giggles and clapping of his hand, which made Fit's shame ease, knowing that he's never going to be judged by Ramón, they're just sharing their happiness and excitement together.
Fit gets out of the car just to swing their hand at the air, trying to catch Leo's attention, who smiles when she sees his tío, and apparently Alexandre sees them too, since the service dog starts guiding Lea to the car.
“Boys, seatbelts?” Fit kindly reminds them while they're looking at both of the children, slightly smiling at how Alexandre lays down between Leo and Ramón, waving his tail while Ramón and Lea are excitedly giggling and furiously signing to the other while freely stimming, and Fit secures Alexander to the middle seat, using the leash that Lea had already.
Leo has a purple shark plushie that she keeps with him always, having it resting at their lap now, his school bag at her feet. Then, the first mentioned kid uncomfortable shifts in their seat, signing something to Ramón so fast that Fit is incapable of understanding, but his son seems to notice it, catching his father's attention by using the sign they all use for Fit's name, who hums, letting the child know that he's fully paying attention to him now.
“Can you help Leo with their seatbelt?” Ramón politely asks, while Lea shifts uncomfortably on his seat again, she seems a bit embarrassed about the petition, but Fit just nods.
“Of course I can. Leo, could you move just a bit so I can grab it? thanks” Fit helps Lea to buckle their seatbelt and tugs a bit at it to show that it's ready, Leo signs a quick ‘thanks’ and Fit just fondly smiles at them. “You're welcome, little shark. You did such a good job asking for help! You too Ramón. I'm so proud of you both.”
Ramón just giggles repeatedly signing “silly” and pointing at his father who acts exaggeratedly offended while Lea widely smiles and moves his legs, Alexandre keeps wagging his tail from side to side, excited with the happiness of the kids.
The drive home feels pretty domestic, soft music playing in the background with the children loudly giggling with whatever they're signing to the other, Alexandre sometimes chimes in barking, both Techno and Foosh, Ramón’ and Leo’ plushies sitting together too, which is such a cute sight mixed with Ramón excitedly bouncing and Leo flapping his arms.
At home, Fit is making a healthy midday meal, making sure to choose food that he knows both kids love, while hearing Ramón loudly making sounds —probably excited about something— and Leo giggling. They need to feed Alexandre too, and remember to watch Cucurucho from time to time, to make sure that everything's okay.
There's the sound of an incessant click? or something like that which Fit can't quite understand, but then he turns around and looks at the kids, Ramón is happily showing Lea his crocodile notebook while Leo has on their hands four small keyboard pieces that seem to be the responsible for the clicking sound.
He just hopes Ramón doesn't get overwhelmed because of the sound, but the child seems to be having a great time —both of them, really— so Fit just shrugs it off, turning around again to continue cooking and noticing Alexandre at their side, big eyes pleading for some food.
When Ramón and Leo are done with their meal, Fit is washing the dishes and does a little pause to stick his head at the door to watch the kids, while both of the children are sitting again at the floor, this time Lea is doing one of her puzzles —he loves them, Leo always carry one or two puzzles with her all the time—, while Ramón is apparently reading something while babbling some music or maybe just vocal stimming. Both of the children are doing different activities, but appreciating the company of the other nonetheless.
Fit is a bit anxious about washing the dishes with Leo here, having to get off his gloves because they're absolutely not letting the gloves get wet. He doesn't even want to think about it- sounds like a sensory nightmare. They just hope that since Alexandre came back to the living room again, Leo or Ramón won't be willing to come to the kitchen before he can wear their gloves again.
He sits at the couch, fidgeting with one of their gloves, Leonardo is slightly moving one of the pieces, apparently thinking where to place it. Fit tries not to laugh from cuteness when he sees that Lea's puzzle is shark themed, of course it would. Leo's plushie, her backpack, their pop it —that Ramón is currently using—, and a lot of her other things are shark themed, you don't need to think about it too much to understand that sharks are one of his special interests.
Some time later, Fit can't avoid but be a bit concerned when Alexandre keeps being too close to Leo, bumping his nose on one of her thighs from time to time, which means no good.
"Is Leo okay?" Fit asks concernedly when Ramón approaches them and scoops up to their side, pressing his body against his father, grabbing Techno and putting him at Fit's lap, who silently thanks that action since he's a bit overwhelmed and they wonder if Ramón could tell, his good hand twitching wanting to stim to get the wrongness feeling off, but they still it and sigh.
"Yeah. They need a moment. Overwhelmed" Fit patiently watches while Ramón tries to find out the correct words to sign, petting Techno's head knowing that it makes Ramón giggle. "She's doing some breathing exercises and Alex is trying to help, that's why he's leaning over them. But everything is okay. Leo misses tío Foolish."
"Alexandre is such a good boy, and I hope Foolish can come with us soon." Fit says with a smile, understating Leo' feelings, Ramón just nods and scoops up even closer if that's possible, ghosting his little hand over Fit's one.
When Fit doesn't do anything like jerking away, shaking their head or just saying no, Ramón tugs at the glove without signing anything, and Fit just looks at his son, not knowing what he wants, arching one of his eyebrows but silently and gently pressing their hand against Ramón's little one, giving him the go ahead and encouraging him to do it himself, whatever it is.
Ramón is a bit hesitant at first, but then he gets off the glove, and then grabs his dad's hand, —the good one, not the prosthetic one—, and starts silently shaking it.
Fit is a bit confused at first, curiously eyeing his kid, but then, when realization hits them his stomach lurches and something inside them starts to melt, Ramón is stimming with them, just as he did some hours ago with Foolish which— Fit doesn't understand how he should be feeling right now.
It… feels confusing, it vaguely tastes like freedom, like celebrating. Celebrating being able to move his body after everything, celebrating being alive and actually enjoying it.
Fit just smiles fondly looking at Ramón, trying to ignore the strange feeling of satisfaction that it's starting to spread through their body with the repetitive and soothing movements that Ramón is making both of them do while loudly giggling.
Fit adverts his gaze to Leo, trying to ignore their brain screaming at him to never stop moving their hand, and looks at the mentioned child, who was laying down with Alexandre above their chest, now with her eyes opened and happily petting the service dogs who seems pretty content to have helped Lea to calm down, wagging his tail from sido to side to show it. Fit is pretty grateful for Alexander's help, too- he knows how to handle Ramón's overwhelming moments, but they're not too sure when it comes to one of his friends' kids.
“Dad!” Ramón signs, dropping their hand, and Fit tries so hard to ignore the hollow empty feeling that clenches at his stomach after the loss of movement, morphing into an empty yearn, but they look at his child regardless, knowing that Ramón needs his full attention. “Can we go with uncle Quacks? please? please?”
The father feels a bit confused at the sudden request, but he figures Leo likes to be at the café but she doesn't want to ask Fit, who just smiles and nods, knowing that Quackity would appreciate the visit, and if they're lucky they can find Tubbo and Tommy too at their shift.
Fit gets up —even though all his body is protesting and aching because it wants- it needs to keep stimming but— Fit carefully grabs Techno and places him gratefully besides Ramón, who hugs the plushie and nods at his father.
Fit crouches down next to Leo, calmly looking at the child petting the service dog while using the strange fidget toy that looks like a keyboard with his other hand, having Alexandre above them still, a clicking sound could be heard from time to time.
“Leo” He calls, trying to use a low and sweet tone to not make the child more overwhelmed. “Would you like to go visit uncle Quacks at work?”
Foolish kid wiggles and Alexandre gets up, followed by Leo. The last mentioned frantically nods while looking intensely at Fit's eyes, who darts his gaze to the floor instead, and nods too, clapping their gloved hands when he gets up too.
Fit sends a quick message to Quackity while the childs are getting ready, asking if it's good for them to go visit right now. The mexican is quick to reply, saying that it's the perfect time since it's mostly empty, but he also said that Tubbo just ended his shift and had to go home to take care of Sunny. Tommy doesn't seem to be there either, but it's fine.
Fit will have to leave Cucurucho alone for a while, but Foolish said it was fine since he's almost done and he'll have to come to Fit's house either way, having to grab Leo's things.
“Ready, boys?” Fit asks both children that were looking at them with big eyes while grabbing his keys, getting a bunch of hops, clapping of hands and barks as answers.
Ramón asks for his father's attention, who crouched to be at his son's height, and quickly asks if they can carry him since he's feeling a bit bad right now, and Fit is weak for those beautiful pleading eyes, so he lifts Ramón and lets the child nuzzle against their chest, having Techno at one hand and Leo's purple shark at the other. Fit melts at the thought that Lea let Ramón have her shark plushie to make him feel better.
“Do you know how you’re feeling, Ramón?”
Ramón nods and then signs a quick “Overwhelmed”
“Ow, did you get so excited to see uncle Quacks that you got a bit overwhelmed?” Ramón fastly nods and doesn't add anything, trying to hide his face at his dad's broad shoulder. “It's okay, my boy. Sometimes emotions are a bit too much, aren't they?” The child nods again while Fit opens the door and lets both Leo and Alexandre go out. “Don't worry, I've got you.”
The walk to the café was pretty nice, Fit leading the way while Alexandre followed them, Leo grabbing his harness to be led by the service dog too. Fit was humming to Ramón while he was caressing his back, running their hand up and down, glancing at Leo from time to time, paying attention in case Lea wanted to say something or infodump about sharks again.
Fit was trying so hard to ignore the strange calmness that always came when he knew Ramón was with them, safe, in his embrace. Maybe, maybe, just maybe— he should start actually acknowledging their own diagnosis and all of that, but now is no time to think about that, now is time to try to comfort Ramón.
His silly brain can wait a bit more, even though one small voice inside them that painfully sounds too much like Phil says something between the lines of ‘you’re just neglecting yourself, mate'.
Fuck off british inner monologue.
The first thing Ramón does when they arrive is loudly whine and squirm at Fit's embrace, and he practically launches himself towards Quackity, who carefully grabs the child. Leo starts hopping and running on a circle around Quackity, equally excited, while Alexandre just lays down and has his eyes fixated on Lea all time.
Ramón nuzless against Quackity's shoulder, moving his head so fast that it looks like he's shaking it, but he's just stimming, trying to regulate himself. Quackity makes an 'oww’ sound and starts rocking himself from side to side, caressing Ramón locks and humming to help the kid regulate.
Fit sits at his favorite table, fondly looking at the sight of Quackity loudly laughing at Leo's antics, unconsciously humming low to themselves while tapping at the table. He's having a lot of thoughts now that they can stop looking at the kids for a few seconds. Most of them are self-deprecating thoughts flooding through his head that they were trying to ignore so hard, bottling it up until his next therapy session. Some of them are easier to handle, like the soft sound of his phone announcing more messages, or Phil's insistence on Fit having new friends.
Well, he's pretty excited to meet Bagi's friends, Mine already seems pretty cool for what Phil —and mostly Tubbo, that gossiper— told about them, but gosh sometimes it is so hard to just, just go and meet new people. He doesn't even know how to describe it, but it feels wrong. Something inside them want to grab all his friends and make them all go to a desert island so all of them can be happy and have each other and no one else.
Maybe Cucurucho would like to go to that island too, so it can freely swim… even though Fit's not sure if a captive axolotl would survive in the wild again.
Fit quickly glances at Ramón and Leo, Quackity is sitting with Ramón still at his lap, with Leo across them and Alexandre laying near them. Both children —and even Quackity— seem pretty invested in solving one of Lea's puzzles, so Fit sighs, a bit tired of their own thoughts, and grabs his phone, having neglected answering to their friends for a while, so maybe a bit of online socializing is a good idea.
Their tired eyes glance at the screen, and he quickly gets their brightness off, almost wanting to whimper at the sudden light against his eyes that felt like having shattered glass thrown at them. He lowers the sound, just in case someone decides to call them or whatever. Tubbo usually calls, even knowing that Fit is never going to answer, just so he can get their attention about whatever he's saying through messages.
He looks at a bunch of videos that Tubbo sent them, laughing at some, the majority being just old memes.
Étoiles sent a video of what looked like a cake frosted with the french flag colors, and Étoiles messaged “La France could actually kill me lololol” which made the american laugh again.
Maximus sent the link of a song with no context, and Fit mentally tries to remember to check it later, probably being something silly.
Baghera sent a photo of Pomme dressed with some kind of red wings, the child hugging her plushie that is shaped like a star, making Fit's heart melt at the sight.
Phil absolutely killed his mood, sending a video captioned “how to unmask for autistic adults”. Jeeze, Phil. At least one coffee first or something. Fit decided to profusely ignore it, asking him about how he's doing instead of acknowledging the stupid video.
Fit stops looking through the personal chats and looks at the group where all their friends are inside, laughing at most of the messages, having to do a bit of back up reading.
Tina is sending a lot of photos —that's her way of communicating, really. Tina is more of sending photos than actually talking—.
Bagi is excitedly talking about missing Tina and wanting her to be there already, Tubbo is complaining about work as always, and Phil reacted to Tubbo's complaints with a thumbs up.
Missa is showing another picky pad that bones made especially for Chayanne, Kristin reacted to that with a selfie of her and Lullah.
Roier shared a photo of Pepito with his Spider-Man pajama peacefully sleeping at Roier’s chest, tightly hugging his white rabbit plushie, which makes Aypierre show a picture of him and Pomme writing together with a bunch of papers everywhere.
Ollie shares that they're trying to rest, while Carrera shows a video of himself doing some tricks with his skate, almost falling a bunch of times but his only reaction is laughing.
Badboyhalo is reacting to everything with a lot of hearts and some fun-facts about neurodivergent brains and how they work, and Quackity shared a photo of himself, Ramón and Leo trying to solve the puzzle.
Foolish is saying that he's already coming to Quack's café. Great. Fit sometimes forgets that they're all inside the same group.
Fit quickly darts their eyes, looking again at the children, who are still focused on Leonardo's puzzle. Okay, it's okay, Ramón is here and he's fine.
He glances at another chat, one that seems to be unread yet. If that strange number decided to keep talking to them for some reason after everything that Fit said to them, he at least should check what they said.
Fit showed no interest in replying back, or at least not quickly, but that number decided to keep trying for some reason. This person seems pretty stubborn and doesn't care if Fit has a strange way of answering, because they sent a bunch of more messages since last night. That's a bit… nice for some reason.
↳Unknown number↩
»Sorry for not answering, I've been a bit busy.
>It's okay!!
>Honestly I thought you got scared of me or something
»Sometimes answering is hard, don't mind me.
>It's okay
>I was thinking
>I think my friend gave me the wrong number as you can see
>We all just recently changed our numbers so we're trying to you know
>Keep contact and all of that
>So
>I just wanna properly
>start?
»What?
>Hello stranger with almost the same number as my friend!
>I use he/him :)
>What are your pronouns??
Oh. Pronouns. Fit unconsciously smiles, they weren't expecting that, but he's absolutely pleased with it.
Maybe the other man was trying to see if Fit reacted badly to that specific question, but oh boy, how wrong he is. Again, just as wrong as the number, which is pretty funny, actually.
↳Unknown number↩
»Hello. he/they.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
Use tone indicators if you're gonna comment, please!
Chapter 6: Ouch!
Summary:
“I'm so sorry, I'm just— tired.”
“You've been tired for quite a lot of time, mate”
Notes:
°Fit: He/they
°Ramón: He/him
°Phil: He/him
°Etoiles: He/him
°Pomme: She/her
°Missa: He/bone
°Lullah: She/they
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 8, Monday»
»Fit changed "Unknown number" to "Wrong number"
The weekend went so fast that it almost felt like the blink of an eye, Monday unpleasantly coming fast as always, inevitably making him get off of the comfort of their home and pretend to be a functional adult again.
Fit didn't do much this weekend, just the same things as always, take care of Ramón, the house, some home workout, gym paperwork and maintenance and read some of their friends messages.
And maybe message with a certain unknown number too, because suddenly he's starting to be a constant in their life, which is pretty scary and also a little bit exciting, too.
Fit usually doesn't like new things— and definitely doesn't like meeting new people. But, the screen is somehow better, easier.
For some reason, knowing that they're never going to see each other in person is somehow… comforting. Knowing that he can be as weird as he wants, constantly sharing fun facts, jumping from exciting topics to just asking how they're doing without having to receive those weird looks that usually come from strangers… yeah, it's definitely nice.
Well, Fit can't keep calling him stranger, so they decided to change the name to something funnier, because why not.
They talked so much these past days that it's starting to feel like they're maybe going to be friends… or something.
Would it be weird to be friends when they don't even know each other's names?
They both thought it would be funnier to keep that as a secret, so maybe it is not that weird.
Fit has a… strange way of processing if someone is their friend or not. Sometimes it's too complicated to understand the difference between someone that he knows, and a friend.
Usually they just wait until the other person refers to them as friends, so he can be certain that they are in fact friends. Their therapist said it's something common between autistic individuals, but that doesn't make him feel better about it.
He feels a bit weird, because the person behind that number is suddenly not answering at all today, which shouldn't be such a big deal, since everyone is busy on Mondays and all of that but. but.
Fit feels strange either way, because they have been talking all weekend, and suddenly there's no answer. Did he do something wrong? Their messages seem fine to him.
He hopes he answers.
Fit's friends are answering, that's for sure.
All the group chat is loudly cheering, and Fit vaguely wonders why while reading some of the old messages, and, oh, yeah, today is Monday already so that means it's Richarlyson's birthday, and Tina is almost here again, too, so everyone is pretty much excited.
Fit doesn't really know if they should say something about the birthday, since he doesn't even know the child, so they just ignore the phone for a while, trying to go back to focus.
When he definitely can't go back to work, they decide to take a smoke break, maybe that would help.
Fit sits at their desk and goes back to the paperwork, loudly groaning when the words start to melt into each other again. He's too tired to do actual work, he knows it, but it's not like they can skip it any longer.
Foolish already showed what happens when you don't take care of the business in time, so he prefers not having to rely on anyone else to take care of Ramón.
He's feeling like having another smoke break right now, but they got so focused on a specific paper that they lose that thought, and maybe also a bit of track of the time… that stupid paper is starting to make him feel like it's making fun of them, mocking him while they try so hard to read and read again and again the same thing, just to understand nothing again, and having to read the same again. and again.
He's unconsciously munching at their lips while trying to keep focus, he really should stop doing it by the time they can feel that metallic taste dancing through his mouth, but they can't stop. Something in his brain feels a little bit better with that specific repetitive action and- and that stupid inner voice that sadly sounds exactly like Phil's attacks them again, ‘your brain is screaming because it wants to stim.’
Fuck off old man.
‘we’re only one year apart’ the voice would protest if it was actually Phil, but since it isn't, it stays silent. get that.
He squeezes his eyes shut, trying so hard to ignore each part of their body screaming for going to bed already and sleeping for at least— well, maybe at this point hibernation was the best option. They choose to do some breathing exercises instead, trying to take back control of their heart that was beating a bit too fast for their liking.
Fit can tell something's wrong, because he feels exhausted. But they can't quite understand what's going on yet. He'll have to wait under their therapy appointment on Wednesday and hopefully talk it out. Hopefully.
He tries so so hard to focus back to work, but maybe the lack of sleep is starting to get them, since his eyes are almost closing without permission, and he aggressively rubs at them, trying to somehow get rid of the tiredness. It obviously doesn't work, and he wonders why the fuck they can't just be a fucking functional adult for once. Which is such an ableist thought to have, and he knows it. but. but.
He loudly groans again, this time flinching a bit when two loud knocks could be heard at the door.
They don't need to ask to know it's Etoiles.
His social battery was nonexistent today. —or maybe it never existed at all—, so they hope Etoiles is going to drop off something quickly and then go back to work. please.
“Come in” They force themselves to croak out, mouth dry and throat aching from the lack of water and all the groaning. And just with the first word pronounced Etoiles was already inside the room, widely smiling where he's standing while swinging from side to side. Fit vaguely wishes he could have some of his energy. “Do you need something?”
“I don't need anything!” He is fast to answer, swinging side to side. “Someone is here and wants to see you, boss” Etoiles' smile slowly increases as he talks, same as his stimming, and Fit thinks about correcting him again, but they decide not to say anything, silently nubbing at his own scarred lip. Not today.
He tries to focus all their energy into speaking enough to be understood, ignoring his own lip screaming from the pain of their teeth incessantly chewing at it.
“Please tell me it's not Phil”
“It's Phil!”
Fit loudly groans again, dragging his hands down his face, keeping one at their mouth, muffling the sound of the wail while Etoiles' rambles about whatever —probably something about Phil, or Pomme— while moving his arms up and down, and another knock could be heard behind them both, and Fit regrets not going out to have that second smoke break and try to ignore everyone for a bit, knowing that he's gonna accidentally snap at their friends and hate himself for it later.
Fit knows that so well— having the best intentions ever, but somehow ending up fucking up everything all over again.
Okay, maybe Fit has been neglecting answering Phil's messages and that's why he's here, but sometimes their brain can only focus on answering one specific person for some reason, and it's hard to explain, not a lot of people understand it, so he doesn't care to try to explain anymore, since not a lot of people are willing to actually hear and try to understand it anyway.
“Come in!” Etoiles mimics what Fit said to him, trying to make his voice sound deeper, but with his thick accent very present, while turning again to the office door.
Etoiles scoops aside and opens the door, comically doing a bow while letting Phil get in the room. Both of them greet each other and then look at Fit, who wants to sink on their seat and disappear from the embarrassment of being intensely looked at by both individuals. He doesn't like being perceived at all.
“Hello mister gym's owner” Phil salutes and Etoiles laughs behind him, trying to fastly recover his composure.
Phil's leg braces make a screeching sound that makes Fit want to scream, and they make a mental note to try to remember to buy Phil new ones as soon as possible. At least the cane looks fancy, all decorated and everything.
“Hello mister I'll adopt every child in need I see” Fit attacks back, but Phil just laughs it off, approaching them a bit more, and Fit silently points at the comfy puff that they keep always at their office, even if he doesn't use it himself, silently offering the other man to take a seat instead of being uncomfortably standing there. The man doesn't move so Fit just shruggs.
Talking about standing, Etoiles is behind Phil, positioned almost like a bodyguard at the door, and Phil just fondly looks at him, silently trying to communicate something or whatever, but it seems like Etoiles is not getting it, since he's just making eye contact back without saying anything at all. It looks like a staring contest, and Fit hopes he doesn't have to participate at all.
Then, Etoiles' phone makes a sound and he digs in his pocket to grab it, intensely looking at the screen while his free hand mindlessly flaps at his side.
“Oh, Ollie needs my help!” He suddenly says, already opening the door while saying it. “I have to go help them!”
“There he goes” Phil snickers, looking at the closed door and then darts his sight to Fit this time. “I told Ollie to distract Etoiles if he was taking too much time going out of your office, because I figured he wouldn't know I wanted to talk with you alone.” Fit hums acknowledging what was said, tiredly moving some of the papers, not looking at Phil but listening either way. “Etoiles told me you've been working too hard so I came here as a distraction”
Fit glances at Phil, who is just widely grinning using that stupid warm smile that reaches his eyes while slightly leaning to his cane. He darts their eyes to the room, hissing low at the stupid lighting of the room. They just want to sleep.
He was so tired that they didn't notice Phil's expression shifting into a full worried one all over his face.
"Oh, wait" Fit looks at him with a confused expression, without saying anything Phil turns around and messes with the switch of the room, letting on a din light instead of the bright one. Then, he approaches the window and closes it, so now there's only a faint light sneaking past his curtains.
Fit unconsciously lets out a content sigh, it's true that the stupid sunlight was starting to get too much, but he'll never say it out loud. He silently thanks his old friend for knowing them so well.
"That's better, isn't it?"
“It is.” He recognizes despite their pride burning his insides. “Thank you. Now, please sit down. Don't hurt your legs because of me.”
“I won't. I know my limits.” Phil moves again, this time standing in front of the puff, and then, he starts to mess with his leg braces. Fit figured he's changing them so he can bend his knees to sit down. “I’d never ignore my limits, if I did, who would take care of you, then?” He says, with a tone that the other can't really understand, but feels nostalgic. He sits down letting the cane rest near him, facing Fit with a soft expression.
“I can take care of myself just fine.” They say with a firm tone, looking at the papers again. He can hear Phil loudly sighing, but he ignores it.
“I didn't say otherwise.” He replies quickly, almost too smoothly to Fit's taste, like he knew they were going to say that. Did they really spend so much time together? “But having someone there is always nice. Isn't it?”
“Yeah” Fit simply offers while writing without meeting the other's gaze, but he glances at Phil when they hear the sound of his cane being messed with, a bit confused, but apparently Phil was just mindlessly stimming with it, instead of getting up as Fit thought he was doing. “I think I have something here if you want it.” Fit says, moving a bit so they can open one of the desk drawers, rummaging inside it, making a triumphant smile when he finds it.
“Umh?”
“Here it is! Think fast” Fit waits until Phil looks at them, and then he throws him the fidget cube that they just got from the drawer. Phil fastly catches it, moving it around while inspecting it, and apparently laughing a bit at the design.
“I wonder who owns this” Phil says, sarcastic as ever while showing Fit the big Pac-man logo painted at one of the sides of the fidget cube.
Fit smiles remembering good memories, forgetting for a few seconds how tired they are.
“Ollie bought it for all of us, saying that we should have a bunch of fidgets for everyone, but then, they asked Etoiles to paint it for some reason.”
“That's kinda cute.”
“I guess?”
They keep quiet for a while, a comfortable silence only disturbed by some of Fit's tired groans from time to time and the clicking from the fidget cube that Phil was happily fidgeting with.
“I'm worried about you, Fit.” Phil suddenly says, making the mentioned shiver at the honesty of the words and how heavy they felt.
Fit looks up from the paper, daring to look at Phil's eye for a few seconds just to dart their eyes again, looking at the floor instead, shocked about those words that just came out from his old friend mouth. This is gonna hurt so bad and they're not really in the mood for it right now.
“You're acting weird. More weird than usual, I mean. Something's happening in that silly brain of yours, and I can tell you're not talking about it with anyone.” Phil continues talking with a firm tone, like if he had just said a statement, leaving no room for argument. Fit sighs, tiredly stretching out at his desk chair, purposely ignoring his friend, who just glances at them with his piercing gaze. If looks could kill…
Fit looks at him, —not at him, like, in the eyes, but near the cheek, which is something at least—, patiently listening to his friend's concerns, not knowing what to say, mindlessly knocking at the wood of the desk in some kind of unconscious pattern. Phil continued when no answer was offered.
"I'm being serious right now. I can tell you're isolating yourself, even though you're near your friends, you're not being you. You're masking even more than you do, which is starting to make me worry a lot, because I know how devastating that can be.” Fit shifts uncomfortable on his own seat, trying so hard not to snap at their friend, just wanting to be left the fuck alone so he could just— sleep it off.
Maybe sleeping for a while would help them to feel less exhausted and wrath at nothing.
Because nothing is wrong!
But for some reason he feels wrong.
“I think you should go to Bagi's party.”
“What?” That was definitely not the way that Fit expected this conversation to go at all.
“It's not a party, party, but you know” Phil vaguely makes random gestures with his hands and Fit hums, thinking to himself that Phil is definitely going crazy, he finally lost it. Great. Or maybe he's joking, is he joking? His expression seems serious and, he laughs and hiccups a lot when joking, so it apparently is not joking. What the hell.
“What if I don't fucking want to go to the stupid party that is not even a party?” Fit accidentally snaps, getting up and slamming his fist against the desk. “Maybe I just want to be the fuck alone. Have you thought about that, hmm?” The words came out full of venom and more harshly than intended, when Phil's expression morphed into one of hurt, Fit absolutely regrets snapping, whispering a bunch of rushes apologies to their old friend, acting like nothing happened just moving around some of the papers, and Phil just makes a motion with his hand, silently dismissing it.
Fit quickly sits down again, feeling the adrenaline of the moment warring off, a bit flushed for the sudden spike of anger and the embarrassment of behaving like a child having a tantrum. Fit knows Phil would scold him for making that absurd comparison, but still.
“I'm so sorry, I'm just— tired.”
“You've been tired for quite a lot of time, mate” Phil comments, and Fit just hums, letting the other know that he heard him, but making no intent in answering. “It's okay, though. I'm not mad at you, and you're right, you can just choose not to go.” Fit grabs some of the papers and acts like he's organizing them again, not knowing what to do with their hands but feeling the urge to move them. “I'm just suggesting you could go. Meeting more neurodivergent queer people is always good, you know. Could help you.”
“Thanks”
A pause, and then Phil continues, changing the subject, sensing that Fit was getting too uncomfortable and not wanting to make them snap again about this topic.
“How's therapy going?”
“Good, I guess?” Fit shrugs. How are you supposed to answer something like that?
“I can go with you to the next appointment, only if you want, though."
Fit considers for a few seconds. It's always good to have extra support, since most of the time he thinks about saying something and then, their mouth seems to express the quite opposite to it, which is something frustrating and not ideal for something like therapy.
"I'll like that, yeah. You can come with."
Fit continues with the paperwork, finally accomplishing to finish most of the work, working better for some reason when someone's just there, even if they're not interacting at all. But just, being there makes it easy.
The clicking of the fidget cube continues.
“You seem pretty uneasy” Phil comments after a while, the other humorous him with a humming sound. “Do you know what you want?” Fit makes a confused muffled sound, so Phil inquires. “What do you need right now to feel better?”
Fit hates those stupid questions that Phil always asks, using that stupid tone sweet as honey which makes you want to rant to him about everything wrong that has happened in your life.
“I just wanna get off here and light a cigarette. Maybe two.” He accidentally answers without thinking much about it, tongue slipping at the speech laced with honey.
The fidget cube stops making sound suddenly as Phil gasps in surprise, even though he already knew about it, but maybe he wasn't expecting the sudden honesty.
Another beat of hesitation, and then Phil finally says something.
“You what?”
Of course Fit had to open their stupid mouth and fuck up again. His good hand is feeling weird again, they balled it into a fist and he's unconsciously repeatedly knocking at their own thigh and— not now.
He grips at the hem of their shirt instead, gently pulling at it, trying to sush his mind while Phil keeps looking at them with the saddest expression ever.
"Do you have anything in mind right now? That doesn't require fucking with your psychical health if possible." Phil inquires when feeling the tension, arching his eyebrows as he does when he can tell something else is up.
As if it was mocking him, Fit's phone makes a sound, announcing another message. Hopefully this time it was from the strange— wrong, wrong number.
"I feel like— I, uh. I feel like I need to run away? far far away, and, uhm, hide or somethin.”
Phil hums, probably carefully thinking about what to say, and the clicking of the fidget cube returns.
“So that's why you've been avoiding me for a while. And I'm wondering if you're maybe entering into autistic burnout?”
Fit shifts uncomfortable on his seat.
How the fuck didn't he think about that at all?
It would explain everything! Or, well, most of it.
They feel so stupid right now, his cheeks morphing into a bit of red because of the shame of realizing it just now and not sooner.
“Maybe?” Phil looks with a puzzled expression to Fit at his unsure answer. “I’m sorry, don't wanna snap at you again. I'll be fine, just have to push through it.”
“Okay.” The other offers after a long sigh, and Fit glances at him, knowing that this is not going to be that easy. He's vaguely starting to envy Phil having the fidget cube as they tuck at the hem of his shirt. “In the hypothetical case of my hypothesis being true… which I'm one hundred percent sure I'm in fact right, by the way—”
Fit sighs, he doesn't want to hear this, he just wants to be done with this stupid paperwork and maybe pray for a coma to hit them so he can actually rest for once. They vaguely wonder if they're in time to get off his hearing aids, to let Phil know about his honest opinion about this conversation.
“You should try to actually rest. And maybe some stimming would help, too. Hell, you don't even have to physically move if you want, you could just repeat memes as much as you would like to!”
“What.”
"You literally had 'petah the horse is here' as a vocal stim for ages, mate. I don't understand why the hell do you have such impostor syndrome at this point.”
“That was uncalled for!” Fit flatters, his mind repeating the phrase again and again. Fuck, Phil Made them remember if and now he can't stop thinking about it. Not again!
“You keep getting burnt out because you're not getting your needs met.” Phil says with a father-like tone, completely ignoring them, the same way you'd try to talk about something important with a scared child that could run off at any time soon, looking at Fit with such a piercing gaze that makes them wanna throw the papers to his face so he shuts up already and stops looking at him with such a concerned gaze. They don't deserve it.
“I'm going to actually cry if you continue talking about that.”
“I'm sorry, but, you know it's true. You're just scared, mate.” Fit loudly groans, and hides his face against their hands. Phil messes with the fidget cube, this time using the switch instead of the buttons. “You can't keep running from yourself. It's who you are, it's not gonna change, you have to embrace it, not run away from it.”
“What if I don't want to fucking accept it?” Fit spits, pretty exhausted about— honestly? everything.
Fit feels a bit guilty too, because he knows they're privileged. He has a great life now, and yet they can't quite enjoy it because their stupid brain is too insistent into messing with him.
Hell, he's literally chatting with a friend at work! How many people can actually do that?
“Do you really don't want to accept your specials needs, or are you just scared as fuck, as I said previously?”
Even though it sounded like a question, Fit's certain Phil already knows the answer, he's just humoring them, giving him some space to try and let the works sink in.
“I know you're also scared because of Bagi's party” Phil continued when he sensed that the other wouldn't say anything. “There's nothing wrong with being scared. And I know you're scared of it, but if it makes you feel better, I talked with Bagi and she confirmed again that everyone there is going to be either neurodivergent, queer, disabled, or all of the above. So literally no one would judge you at all. We're all in the same boat, mate.”
“I don't care.” Fit tries, tone low but firm, trying to convince himself more than the other… They actually care. It actually feels a bit nice to think about anyone else getting it, understanding the struggles and the pain and the tiredness and the joy and. and. and. and.
"You do care, though. And you're scared. And it's okay." Phil's tone is so laced with honey that it almost makes Fit want to tear up right there. But they're at work! they can't afford that here. He needs to keep it together, at least until arriving home— or at least until Ramón is sleeping.
The sound of the fidget cube is starting to get into Fit's nerves, almost like the fidget is mocking them, reminding Fit of the fact that he's okay with others accommodating themselves, but not himself. Not if it's him.
Everyone else can, but they don't.
"It's not okay!” They get up and slam his fist into the desk, immediately regretting it when glancing at Phil's scared expression, but there's not going back now. He can't cry now, not now that the fight response just kicked in. “And I'm not fucking scared!” Their tone keeps going up, which makes them slam a hand against their mouth this time, not wanting anyone from outside to hear them. It'll be so embarrassing, and he's already self-conscious about having this talk with Phil, even though it is not the first time, and probably not the last time that it'll occur.
It's so funny that he's saying that they're not scared, and then proceeds to slam his fist, scream and almost bite just because of some words that felt bad against their chest.
“And I'm not scared, because it's just meeting new people!” Fit continues, surprising even himself because they don't even know what they're saying at this point, he just knows it hurts. “And that's not a big deal so I'm definitely not scared at all!” They close their eyes tightly, trying to ignore the tears picking up at the corner of his eyes. Not now!
There's a heavy silence in the room, and Fit doesn't dare to look in Phil's direction at all, too exhausted. He takes a shaky breath, trying to clear their mind a bit, and then sits down again. He misses the sound of the fidget cube, this lack of sound is making them feel even more embarrassed.
“Sorry”
“It's okay, I'm not mad. I understand how hard it is.” Phil chuckles, even though there's no humor behind it, it's more of a sad-ish or nostalgic kind of way. “But mate, the thing is, if meeting new people for the first time is actually hard for you, that automatically makes it a big deal. It's a big deal for you. And, believe me when I say, there's nothing wrong with that.” Phil starts to mess again with the fidget cube, and Fit almost thanks him for that, hardly blinking a bunch of times, because it felt good and it absolutely didn't count as visual swimming. Of course not.
Phil would actually chuckle if he heard them being in such internal denial. Or maybe he'll just be sick-worry, as always.
“A lot of autistic people struggle with meeting new people, and you know it. And it's okay. Just— try to be patient with yourself, okay?”
Phil sounds so sad, but Fit can't quite understand what his own feelings are right now, so they just nod, even though they're not that convinced of it. He's feeling ashamed? yeah. But, a bit sad too maybe, and exhausted, of course. And angry, angry at himself.
He's an adult, he should have their shit together by now.
"I just wonder. I, uh— uhm. Why- why can't I just be like everyone else?" Phil makes the saddest expression ever, even more laced with sadness than when they were in the battlefield, which is terrifying and absolutely heart-breaking.
“I'm sorry” Phil says, because what are you supposed to say to such strong and painful words?
“Ignore that I said that”
“Maybe some stimming could help?” Phil offers again as he continues talking, ignoring Fit’s words as he asked, and they groan of pure distress. “There's other ways of stimming that don't involve fidget toys, you know. Assuming that's what makes you uncomfortable, of course.” Fit tugs at the hem of his shirt again, trying to ease a bit of the hollow pain at their chest. It's complicated. “Working out acts as a physical stim. Maybe that's why you're so obsessed over it.”
Fit hums acknowledging the words heard, but trying not to think about it too hard right now, he's already overthinking a bunch of things, they don't need new ones. The paperwork is starting to get too much again, which is no good signal.
“The same way jumping and spinning around is stimming.” Phil continues talking even though Fit would give him anything just for him to keep quiet for a bit. He won't snap again, not at their friend that only wants the best for him. "Etoiles is a clear example of that, he swings all his body mid working out when it's ‘not necessary’, but he does it because it feels good. You know, stimming.” Phil shrugs and Fit sighs.
He can't do this again.
“Why can't you just be yourself”
“I just can't I don't know it's just—"
Just imagining himself truly embracing their autistic self, showing the joy and the bad feelings just like his brain screams it, makes them full of shame. Because-
Because it's not the same as everyone else. Because he feels emotions so intensely, that they evolve into shame. into fear.
He feels so intensely—
"Why're you so afraid of yourself?"
Fit is having a sense of déjà vu, knowing that if they keep talking about this, he's gonna cry hard.
"Sometimes I wish we were fictional characters"
"What the fuck, Philza Minecraft?" Fit says completely flabbergasted, using the nickname that one of the kids at the foster used for Phil, when Minecraft was their absolute hyperfixation at that time.
"You know. So this can be your break point, and after this you'll realize that maybe living as yourself is not that bad nor scary and you can just... be alive without worrying about bothering someone else with your existence. But sadly we're just two dudes."
"What the fuck!”
Fit groans while covering their face with both hands, the scream that they were trying to let out was being covered by both gloves.
“Look, mate. Pepito is a high needs autistic person, and you don't have a problem with him, do you?”
"Of course not!" Fit is fast to say, uncovering their face, almost feeling offended by what Phil said. But by the way Phil was showing off a mischievous grin, Fit knew he had something planned. As always, that smooth mother fucker. Fit just wants to continue working, then go for Ramón, and then sleep.
“Lullah is a medium needs autistic person, and you don't have a problem with her”
"Phil"
“Ramón is a low needs autistic person, and you don't have a problem with him”
"It's my child!"
"You were a child once too"
Ouch. Not the childhood-teenage trauma.
"Phil please— you're killing me. I'm at work!"
"It's just— so frustrating to see how you're slowly killing yourself from the inside! And I can't do anything about it" Phil's the one who groans now. “You're too hard on yourself, kid.”
A beat of hesitation, and then, Fit dares to ask what has been on his mind almost since both of them met when they were so young.
“Why do you care so much?" His own voice sounded so small that they almost wanted to punch himself and keep working instead of doing whatever this was.
“Because you're important to me.” The answer is so fast and firm that Fit would have physically recoiled back if it weren't for the fact that he's sat at the office chair. “And I know how hard it is to accept yourself. But you need to learn how to do it.” Phil fists at his leg brace, making a metallic sound echo through the room. Then, he laughs, even though it doesn't seem funny at all. “You can't keep running from yourself.”
By the time Phil is done talking, Fit is tearing up a bit, tears slowly going down their cheeks while he whips them quickly with the sleeve of their shirt, a bit overwhelmed with the amount of emotions that he's feeling at the same time.
“Sometimes having conversations like this is hard. But they're also necessary. I feel like something heavy lifted off my chest.” Phil adds, and Fit closes their eyes tightly, trying to regain his composure again.
Phil waits patiently, letting the other get everything out while offering from time to time some quick reassures and hopefully the fidget cube, even though this last thing was politely rejected every time.
“I'm done. You're shaking a bit too much for my liking, did you drink water today?"
Fit wanted to scream that of course he's shaking after that rollercoaster of fucking conversation and crying. But! they grab a bunch of shaky breaths, trying to calm down a bit, his heart is pounding so hard that it hurts, but their hole in his chest is definitely more painful. He needs to hug Ramón tightly until everything feels okay again.
“I think I drank water a while ago?”
"You… think?" Fit didn't have to look up at Phil to know he's furrowing his brows while again pushing at the buttons of the fidget. Fit groans, and his throat aches, proving Phil's point.
Pretty fucked up if you ask them.
"Come on Phil. You know my body doesn't- doesn't tell me if I need to drink. I just have to guess and assume!"
"That's why I'm remembering you right now. Go grab one water bottle, and let it be near you so you can sip every time you look at it."
"But-"
"Just go, please. Don't make me go.”
“No!” Fit quickly gets up from his chair, approximating to the other. “I can go, it's okay, just don't get up if you're hurting.”
When the american is back with two water bottles, he arches a brow when they notice Phil giggling and having hiccups because of the laughter. They don't know if he wants to ask what the hell happened.
They offer one of the water bottles to Phil, who accepts it with a quick ‘thanks’ while Fit just nods and takes a seat at his office chair again, opening their own water bottle and chugging down a bunch of it, almost finishing it in one go.
“While you were out there, Etoiles came by saying that he doesn't want me to feel lonely, and I was going to thank him, but then he added that I should come here more often to have leg days. That mother fucker!”
Fit is the one laughing now, his body being pretty grateful for the refreshing water after everything.
“By the way, I don't know if you saw the messages from the group, but Bagi said that she's gonna take Richas to The Nest this Thursday! So you can go to meet them if you want! It's it convenient?”
“Did you ask Bagi to do that since you know half your group of friends is awful at meeting people for the first time?” Fit says while lifting one of their eyebrows, even when he already knows the answer.
“Maybe” Phil just shrugs, fidget cube now moving from one hand to the other. “But who cares? It's a good opportunity to just meet the kid for a while and leave if you want. Bad’ got our backs, you know”
“That's reassuring?”
“I'm gonna happily ignore that it sounded more like a question than a statement.” Phil hums to himself, apparently thinking about something else to say while messing with the fidget cube. “One of Bagi's friends, Felps, was already friends with Antoine! We live in such a small world”
"Small world" Fit unconsciously parrots while nodding, a bit surprised about all the coincidences occurring between both friend groups, Phil just patiently smiles at them, so warm that it almost bothers Fit the same as the sun from before that was streaming through the windows of the office.
Fit clasps their own hands tightly together, hopefully it's not obvious to Phil how badly his hands are shaking, while glancing at the fidget cube. His brain is on fire, and yet they have to be done with this stupid paperwork, hopefully before going home. Well, before going for Ramón, he's almost done with school and Fit’s not even done with half of it.
Fit nervously nibbles at their already bitten lips, tasting the characteristic metal yet again, and drags his hand up and down his face in a tired emotion. They just want to go home! His eyes and throat hurt from silently crying before, which made their head hurt again.
“Wanna take a break?”
“I uh—no. I don't want to rest.”
“Why not?”
Fit considers for a few seconds.
“Because", but can't find anything to say.
"Because, what?" Phil challenges raising one of his blonde eyebrows, and the other just shrugs at his seat.
‘Because I need to get this done by today, because I said so.’ But Fit doesn't want to say that, so, he keeps silent instead.
"I can help you with paperwork.” Phil suddenly offers, messing with the fidget cube. “I can copy your handwriting just fine. Nobody will know."
"I will know. My brain won't shut up about it.”
"Your brain already won't shut up about a lot of things and you do them either way. Let me help at least with this, please." Phil adjusts again his leg braces, apparently going to get up. Fit can't understand really well his expression, vaguely thinking he's pleading while using an odd tone, maybe a sad one? they're too tired to try to think, but Phil looks like there's no room for discussion here.
"Fine." By the way Phil's expression completely morphed into pure happiness, Fit guessed he chose the right decision, even when their brain is practically melting at thinking of cheating. "Do you need a hand?"
Phil loudly laughs, and Fit just looks at him confused as fuck. They just asked because he knows getting up is a bit hard for Phil when he has been sitting for long, and even more if he's sitting on an inestable surface like a puff.
"Sorry, sorry. It would be— It would be funny if you just- detached your prosthetic arm and threw it at me."
"Don't give me ideas, Phil." The mentioned snorts. "And bold of you to assume I take off my prosthesis, like at all." Fit is the one laughing this time with the utterly expression of pure horror that Phil is making. "Joking. Joking. I'm joking, don't get into cardiac arrest.”
“Oh, you're so funny” Phil slowly gets up, while using the most sarcastic tone ever. “Move, funny guy.” The british shushes them, making him move the office chair while grabbing the other that was behind.
Now Phil is sitting besides Fit, and both of them are working on the paperwork, even though Phil is subtly giving Fit the easiest ones.
After some time, an energetic knock could be heard when both of them were almost done with the work. Before Fit could say it was okay, Etoiles was already inside the room, excited about something that Ollie told him, wanting to share it.
“Oh boss. Sorry for interrupting” Etoiles says when he fixates his eyes into the mess of papers all over Fit's desk, after a while of ranting. The latter shushes him, silently saying that it's okay and to continue talking. “I wanted to ask you, could we, uh” Etoiles locks his eyes with Phil, who just waves his hand, waiting for him to continue. “Uuuuh” The french man shuts up. By the way his eyebrows are furrowed, Fit and Phil can tell he blue-screened for a second. Both of them wait patiently for him to find the words. “Could we have one of those, uh, take-your-child-to-work days, soon?”
“Of course, Etoiles. Just tell me which day you would prefer and I'll make it happen.” Fit says, and Etoiles makes a happy squeak while stimming with his arms, Phil chuckles at Fit's side. “Is Pomme okay?”
“Yeah, she's just feeling a bit down these past days with the start of school and all of that. So I thought she would appreciate a bit of our company.”
“I understand, don't worry.”
When work was done, Fit thought about asking Ramón through messages to see if he wanted to do something since today was a resting day, and the kid eagerly said that he wanted to go to the park, wishing to use the swing. Fit accepted quickly, knowing that using the swing is one of the most preferred stims of Ramón.
Fit wishes he could put a sensory swing at their house, but he doesn't know if they can afford that, or have the space for it, but he has it at the back of their mind all the time, wishing to give Ramón the best life ever.
Ramón was rambling about his day while peacefully walking to the park, his hands fastly moving while explaining that he had a meltdown again, but quickly adding that he was feeling better now and he was really, really, really, really excited to use the swing.
He actually signed ‘really’ four times, letting Fit know that he was in fact a little bit excited to go to the park, and Fit is proudly listening to him, so full of pride at how well Ramón is communicating today.
Ramón noticed that he was feeling bad, then he noticed that he was feeling better but needed big stimulation, like swinging! Fit couldn't be more proud of his boy.
Fit grabbed everything that he thought would be nice to have with them; snacks, water, sunscreen —even though both of them hate the texture, Fit reassures Ramón saying that it's good for him—, a Pokémon book that it's technically like an encyclopedia, noise canceling headphones, Techno, and a bunch of tangles and more fidget toys in case Ramón needed them.
“Careful, my boy” Fit tries to warn with a gentle voice when the kid practically runs towards the swing and jumps on it, automatically swinging the moment he sits there, hardly gripping at the chains chasing some stability while loudly giggling and kicking his little legs trying to go higher. Fit almost forgets that Ramón had a meltdown this morning looking at his warm teeth-smile. almost.
“Dad!” Ramón fastly signs, trying to get his father's attention, who was already at his side the moment he started signing. “Push me? please?”
“Of course”
The park is small, but it makes it feel more cozy. Fit unconsciously looks at both entrances of the place, glancing at them from time to time. He likes to see who comes in or goes out of the park… just for safety reasons! nothing that involves being hypervigilant all the time.
The mere idea of him coming back causes such an unsettling, burning pit to form in Fit’s stomach. He shakes their own head, trying to focus on Ramón again.
Ramón is here, and he is safe, so everything is okay.
Then, Fit’s eyes land in a cheerfully Missa, energetically waving bones hand to the father who was still pushing his son's at the swing. Fit smiles and awkwardly returns the wave back, fixating their eyes into Lullah instead, and then Pomme, who was walking behind Lullah. And then, Etoiles appeared too, as excited as both children mentioned were, fastly running towards Fit and Ramón.
Lullah is the first one to greet Fit, Pomme slowly walking behind them, but greeting Fit after some time, a small smile while she tightly hugs her star shaped plushie, hiding behind Lullah but being brave enough to sign a bit to Fit.
Lullah is jumping up and down while excitedly explaining to Fit about the new flower that they're trying to make bloom with her mama Kristin. It's always adorable to see them so excited. Lullah always stims every time they see Fit, she said it's because of both of them having hearing aids, she feels seen.
And Fit understands. Opposite to him, Lullah is hard of hearing since they were born, so Fit could tell it's been lonely being the only hearing disabled person that uses hearing aids, until they meet Fit.
Pepito is also hard of hearing, but he doesn't like to wear hearing aids, so he doesn't.
Both Lullah and Pomme happily approach Ramón, and start signing to him, while he continues swinging by himself this time, since Fit moved a bit just to greet Missa and Etoiles.
“You didn't see the chat, no?” Etoiles says after a bit of conversation with a wide grin on his face, even though he already knew the answer.
“I didn't. I'm not feeling like texting too much these days.” It's not a complete lie, since Fit is only answering to who he hopes it's a new friend. “Were you two talking about coming here or something?”
“Yeah” Missa is fast to confirm, Etoiles nodding along while pressing his body against the mexican. Both of them really enjoy physical contact, Fit vaguely remembers. “We thought that it would be nice” Missa makes one of those wide and warm smiles that characterize him, and now Fit is the one nodding. It makes sense. The kids get pretty overwhelmed when they're in a public space, but having some of their friends tends to help.
Fit looks at the children, Lullah was fastly signing something to Ramón while he keeps swinging, a bit slowly this time to be able to read Lullah, and even though Pomme is with both of them, she's also slightly moving towards her father, trying to be as near to Etoiles as possible.
Fit, Etoiles and Missa make mindlessly conversation, talking about work, the children, the excitement to meet Bagi's kid and going to the party, and some more. Fit shares a bit anxiously that he's not coping too well with having to meet new people, Etoiles understands and says some reassurance advice, and Miss tries to help by offering some kind words.
The three of the parents talk about all the things that they grabbed just in case their kids needed them, Missa is carrying Lullah's botanic encyclopedia, since they really really like flowers, being it one of her special interests.
Pomme has with her the star shaped plushie that she always carries because it makes her think of her father, and Etoiles has Pomme's diary and some spared paper in case she wants to write something, also a black and white sensory slug that she has as a matching fidget toy with Dapper. Dapper has the exact same one, but blue and red instead of black. It's cute.
Fit notices that Pomme looks pretty anxious today, trying to be behind or beside Etoiles all the time, glancing at some of the mother's and feminine presenting people that came with their children to the park. It's not really crowded, but there are some people, so they chose to move a bit to the side so their children don't get too overwhelmed.
Thinking about it, Fit doesn't really blame Pomme for being so clingy, she had had a hard past on the system —like all the children of their friend group, mostly, which is pretty sad, since the system was supposed to protect them, not traumatize them even more—, but Pomme specifically had a lot of trouble with foster moms, one of them broke her arm, which lent her to be ware around everyone and she hates when someone touches her, specially feminine presenting people, but she knows that she's always safe around Etoiles, since her father is one of the strongest people Fit knows.
It's pretty sad. Fit wishes he could hug all the kids and protect them from all the pain in this world, understanding the fear of being alive more than anyone else.
He keeps anxiously looking at the entrances of the park, only stopping when Etoiles blocked their vision to engage Fit into a conversation about the museums that they recently visited.
At some point, when the park started to get less crowded, Pomme got confident enough to leave Etoiles' side for a bit and go sit at one of the swings, like Ramón. Now both of them were swinging while Lullah was saying something, moving to Pomme’ side so they could block Pomme’s view of the people at the park, to help her be less overwhelmed.
Lullah is such a smart kid, even though they have such a strong social anxiety, she's trying to help Pomme. Lullah makes Fit so proud. Well, all of their kids make Fit feel proud, honestly.
Fit approaches Lullah and ruffles her hair, the child looks up at them and offers a radiant smile, and then continues looking at both of their friends, who were communicating about something. Fit doesn't like trying to understand what they're saying, he prefers to give the kids some privacy. They're probably talking about Minecraft or going on a back and forth infodumping time.
After some time, Missa’ sweet voice could be heard through Etoiles infodumping, Missa was trying to grab the attention of his daughter gently touching her shoulder, since they're too focused on whatever she's saying to their friends.
“Would you like some snackies, Lullah?” Bone offers, a warm smile on his face, looking at bones daughter like she was his world.
Lullah doesn't even answer, she just sprints towards their father and happily hops while waiting for the offered food. Etoiles is looking at the cute interaction while Ramón and Pomme are signing to each other while swinging.
Fit is a bit stressed about Ramón not grabbing the chains of the swing, since he's using his hands to sign to Pomme and he has both Techno and his tangle in a tight grip with the other, so hopefully none of the children will fall off the swings.
Etoiles softly elbows Fit, who looks at him while making a ‘oof’ sound, Lullah laughs at that interaction while eating something.
“Missa is talking to you” Etoiles says, and Fit quickly apologizes while the mexican shrugs it off.
“I was just asking if you want some.” Missa offers bones hand, having a quesadilla on it. “They’re a bit cold already, but in my defense I was making them while someone suddenly asked to go to the park.” He laughs, and Fit just nods, saying back some quick grateful words while he immediately tastes it, knowing it's gonna be good. And it was in fact good, and they let Missa know it, making a content hum who received a small nod and a grin in exchange.
Lullah quickly grabs her purple notebook from their backpack and furiously writes something down, proudly showing it to the two adults when it is done.
“I'm someone :D”
The three adults laugh while the child jumps up and down, almost dropping their own quesadilla but she quickly grabs it, returning the notebook where it belongs while enjoying the mentioned food. Fit thanks Missa again, for the good food and the cute stickers, but the mexican just says that it's what friends do, and Etoiles nods at bones words.
Fit tries not to cry, munching on their quesadilla instead.
Missa offers one to Ramón, who excitedly nods and flaps his hand while trying to carefully grab the food with the other, not getting off the swing.
“What do we say, Ramón?” Fit says looking at the interaction, the child tightly knits his eyebrows together, like he's strongly thinking about this.
“You're too good to us, tío Missa!” Ramón signs and fastly starts eating the quesadilla, and Fit doesn't know if he wants to cry, laugh, scold or praise the child. They chose to keep silent instead, looking at Missa who is widely smiling.
“Can I shake your arm?” Etoiles suddenly asks after a while of them silently enjoying the quesadillas while some kids are loudly playing in the background. “I'm too happy I need to let it out”
“Claro, estrellita. Go ahead!”
Etoiles screams in excitement while shaking Missa’s arm, and Fit looks at the lovely interaction with a small grin on their own face, he finds it a cute way of stimming with someone. Ramón does that too, even though he always seems a bit hesitant to do it with his father. Something stirs at Fit's inside at that thought, but he chooses to ignore it and keep looking at their friends' lovely interaction instead.
Lullah gently touches Fit's knee and when he looks at her, she lifts their tiny hand, showing Fit her half eaten quesadilla with a huge small on their face. Then, she starts signing to Fit.
“Mira!” Lullah signs, and Fit automatically nods, paying full attention to them. "Look! like tío Quacks!"
Missa snorts at Fit's side, while the last mentioned just arches one of their eyebrows, a bit confused about the correlation between a half-eaten quesadilla and Quackity.
"A quesadilla?" Etoiles asks, and Fit feels the relief of knowing that he's not the only one lost here. Missa laughs even harder.
“Yeah! Like that place he works for!”
Both Fit and Etoiles look at Missa, who is covering bones face with one hand while grabbing his stomach with the other.
He seems to find this situation pretty funny.
“So, you know that Quackity works at that ‘QSMP’ company as a translator” Missa starts to explain while gently caressing Lullah’s hair, lovely looking at the mentioned child while playing with the locks. “Phil and I joked once about the ‘Q’ of the business standing for ‘Quesadilla’, and it seems like Lullah heard us and she's been repeating it since”
Fit and Etoiles are the ones laughing this time, and Lullah giggles at the adults.
“What does it stand for though?” Etoiles asked after some time, slightly letting his side pressing against Missa, who was signing something to Lullah.
“I have no idea. I only know he provides translation services at that agency.”
“Manzanita” Lullah signs when Fit looks at them, apparently trying to grab Pomme’s attention. “Would you like some?” She asks while offering another quesadilla with a big warm smile to the kid that was still at the swing.
Some children at the park started to loudly scream, making Fit flinch and fastly look at Ramón, Who suddenly stopped swinging to cover his ears with his hands, hardly pressing them to try to stop the noise, Lullah sprinted to Missa who was warmly hugging her. Fit gets Ramón’s canceling headphones from his backpack and offers them to the child, waiting patiently until he opens his eyes since he was squeezing them at the same time that his ears, when Ramón looks at Fit’s gloved hands, he fastly nods and the father places them on his sensitive ears. When Ramón seems feeling better, Fit glances at Pomme, who seems unbothered, enjoying her quesadilla, which is good.
Before Fit can get up from where he was kneeling down to be at the same height than Ramón, the mentioned child grabs Fit's sleeve and tugs at it while whining.
“Time to go home, my boy?” The father signs to their son, and Ramón fastly nods.
Time to go home indeed.
When Ramón is at his bed, peacefully sleeping while clenching at Techno, Fit chooses to sleep at the couch tonight. For some reason, the old couch brings more comfort than the lonely bed when it comes to sleeping without worrying.
Fit wonders why the wrong number is not answering today, while he quickly replays with their own happy birthday to Richarlyson, and finally closes their eyes.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
Use tone indicators if you're gonna comment, please!
Chapter 7: Please not angst today.
Summary:
Fit starts the day energetic for once, but then he receives a message from Roier, asking if someone can take care of Pepito. Fit is that someone.
After being a babysitter, they have to go to therapy, which he's not really happy about.
Notes:
°Fit: he/they
°Ramón: he/him
°Phil: he/him
°Pepito: he/him
°Roier: he/theyTW:
°Mentions of self-biting, but the scene is not shown, just mentioned. (Pepito is using a bandaid and Fit sees teeth marks, nothing discussed further.)
°Mentions of scars. Phil is talking about bad coping mechanisms with Fit and some scars are mentioned but nothing is further explained.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 10, Wednesday»
Fit stretches, some of their joints pop while he groans. Sleeping on the sofa instead of the queen bed is definitely worse for their body, but it also helps to ease their mind a bit for some reason. And everything that helps his brain shutting up for a while is more than welcomed.
Today he felt more energetic than normal, which is strange because it doesn't happen often. Maybe all that throwing up of raw emotions to Phil yesterday helped more than they thought it would.
Would he tell Phil that? fuck no.
More energy means less time completing his morning routine since they're feeling actually capable of doing all they have to do fast, at the expected time, and not procrastinating the entire thing. Which means that now he has a bit of little time before Ramón is up, so they can sit for a while and breathe.
It's funny — or well, not so funny, but, at some point, smoking as soon as they get up in the morning became somehow one part of the routine. Which means that he's not gonna have a great time trying to break that.
But at least they're trying to think about quitting smoking, which is something. Quackity would be so proud of them.
Trying to distract their mind from the thought of the whole breaking-the-bad-habit-of-smoking-by-routine thing, Fit decides to check his messages, laughing at a bunch of them, admiring the good mood of some of their friends even in the morning.
And apparently Roier needs some help, because they're alone and have to go to work, but Pepito is staying home today and he doesn't want to resort to a babysitter because Pepito doesn't do well with them.
Fit vaguely reads some of the messages, thinking about going himself to babysit Pepito for today, at least until Roier comes home.
Roier can't skip work because Tina has to help Bagi with the cat café, and Roier doesn't want to make Bad be even more busy than they already are.
Tubbo said something about having the day off and going to hang out with Fred, one of Tubbo's old classmates.
Tommy is pretty busy today too, with work as well, same as half of their friends.
Quackity is pretty busy trying to have everything perfect for Chunsik.
Phil, Missa and Kristin are not answering, which means they're too busy as well, because Missa always makes sure to answer to everyone and if he's not doing it, it's because they're into something, probably related to Chayanne since his skin picking problems has been pretty huge lately because of the stress of being at school again.
Foolish is taking care of Sunny and Leonardo today with help of one of golds friends called Agent Eighteen, so no babysitting Pepito.
Etoiles asked for that take-your-child-to-your-work-day to be today, so apparently Pomme is not doing so well either.
Ollie is always up to help, even though they get overstimulated pretty quickly when interacting with people, even their own friends. So they're probably gonna choose to be at the gym, plus helping Etoiles with Pomme, since they're more used to that than Pepito.
Baghera said something about having to attend another race, while AyPierre was furious about a broken machine, so they're not gonna be available for a long while.
Jaiden and Mouse are busy together with whatever crazy plan they're making now, and Charlie and Mariana seem to be offline. It's pretty early in the morning so it's not so strange.
Hugo, YD and Acau had plans already together so they couldn't help this time.
Which means… Fit should do something.
Badboyhalo is mostly the babysitter for excellence when someone from the group needs some extra help, but Fit is okay with being one, too.
He feels a bit overwhelmed about talking in the chat when everyone is connected, so they chose to privately talk to Roier instead.
↳Pendejo no dura nada↩
»Roier, I can skip work and take care of Pepito this morning if you want me to.
>ARE YOU FR?
»Yeah, I'm being serious. /g
>Omg thank you so much man, this means a lot to me
>I was so fucking scared man
»I understand, don't worry, Ramon’s waking up hour is almost here, I'm gonna drive him to school and then I'll go to your house. Sounds good to you?
>OF COURSE
Fit and Roier had a mindless conversation after that, talking about trivial topics while trying to schedule the plans for today. Even though Pepito is not going to school today, since he's trying to recover from a huge meltdown yesterday, Ramón is going to go, so that means that Fit's gonna have to return home before Ramón's out to school. Both Ramón and Fit also have to go to therapy today, which means that all the afternoon is completed.
Phil is coming to therapy today too, Fit's brain offers after thinking about today's appointment and what they want to say. Or at least try to say, because most of the time they think about saying something that makes sense in their brain, but his mouth is incapable of articulating it. It's like their brain and mouth are not connected and are two separate things.
It's gonna be an interesting day, that's for sure.
Ramón's seatbelt clicks and Fit kisses the kid's forehead, winning a giggle from the child, who’s tightly hugging Techno close to his chest. Fit gently moves Ramón's green bandana, tidying it for the child.
“Would you be okay without me?”
Ramón signs, and Fit fondly looks at him, sitting there makes Ramón look even younger, which makes Fit’s heart stir. They're not even sure about being okay without Ramón, but they're not gonna say that to the poor child.
“I'll be okay, don't worry about me, my boy.” Fit ruffles Ramón's hair, profusely messing it, and the child fastly tries to fix it while glaring at his father, who just widely smiles down at him. “Do you want me to say hello to Pepito for you?”
Ramón signs a quick “yes” and then returns to hug Techno.
“I'll see you when you're out of school, don't worry. We also have therapy today, so you're gonna see me a lot today. And also tío Phil.”
Ramón smiles and nuzzles his face against Techno's back, showing a bit of his grin while he fastly nods. Fit understands his concerns, but Fit doesn't want Ramón to worry about him.
He's a child, he needs to just play, eat, sleep and make mistakes.
The drive to Ramón’s school was pretty peaceful, like most of their mornings when they follow their routines.
Fit hugs tightly the child, who giggles when the father tickles him, and then Ramón enters the building, starting with his classes today, which means it is time for Fit to go with Roier and Pepito, who are probably waiting for them to arrive.
“¡Buenos días!” Fit makes an ‘oof’ sound when he's crushed by the mexican’s strong arms, tightly hugging them as a welcome. “How are you, my friend?” They ask while widely smiling at him.
“Doing good, doing good. How’re you?”
“Good as well! I'm just in a bit of a hurry! But come inside, come!” Roier scoops aside so Fit can enter the apartment, which is pretty well decorated if you ask them. It feels warm, like a real home, very lived in.
Which makes sense, because Roier's a cheerful person, and most of the time all the hang outs of their friend group ended up in Roier's apartment. He is always welcoming everyone and saying that it's okay, since he's alone most of the time when Pepito is at school, or at The Nest, or whatever.
“Pepito is sleeping right now.” Roier says as they grab his keys in a rushed emotion. They're probably going to work right now and that's why all the hurry, Fit figures. Luckily for Fit, both Etoiles and Ollie have everything under control today, so he's not worrying too much about that. “But I've already given him breakfast and he knows you're here, so all good.”
“Something else I need to know?” Fit asks while entering the living room, giving some space to Roier to grab whatever they need and not forget anything.
“Nothing that I can think of right now. Give a— second, yeah.”
Fit looks at a fiber optic lamp currently changing colors, and then at some papers thrown all over the table in the room, it seems like Roier has been very busy these past days.
It makes sense, with the starting of classes again and all of that. Even though it seems to be fun to have Bad as a boss, it doesn't mean you don't actually have to work.
There are also a bunch of fidgets toys throwed here and there, but Fit is no one to judge. Must be hard to be a single parent, especially if you're ADHD as Roier. Not to mention that Pepito is ADHD and autistic, which makes everything a little more complicated.
Fit understands, so instead of saying something that could be stupid, he chooses to politely sit at the sofa, patiently waiting for Roier to stop frantically pacing around the house.
“You can use our fidgets if you're feeling like it.” Roier offers while entering the room, which makes Fit vaguely worry for an instance that Roier could tell Fit was thinking about it, but he ignores that thought when they remember that everyone at their friend group is, in fact, neurodivergent. “You can clean them in the bathroom or kitchen sink if you want.”
“Will keep that in mind.” Fit answers. Bad is always making sure to let the others know that they should wash their fidgets before sharing them, so it's funny hearing Roier say the same thing. He probably accidentally picked it up from xem.
“You can also turn up the heater if you're still cold.” He says, glancing at Fit's gloves this time. The american just nods, not really knowing what to say while the mexican starts rummaging with the mentioned papers at the table. “I was looking for these stupid papers, I can't believe they're here!” Fit almost worries about Roier tearing up the papers by the messy way he's grabbing and gripping them. “I swear to you, Fit, at one moment I had them in my hands and then poof! No more papers!”
“I believe you.” Fit laughs, he probably forgot the papers here when Fit knocked at the door, but he chooses not to say anything again, knowing that they could accidently make Roier lose even more time here.
“You can also use the TV, or my computer or read my books, whatever you want to do. It's okay, this is your home too.” Roier throws a big smile at Fit's direction, and he just nods, not feeling like returning the smile but knowing that the other doesn't care about it. “Pepito is probably just going to be asleep, but in case he wakes up, I'm just gonna explain some things quickly.”
Fit is mindlessly fidgeting with his hands that they keep on his lap, he's trying so hard not to think about Ramón right now, focusing all their energy into listening to Roier's words.
“He's probably exhausted if he wakes up. As you know already, he's hard of hearing but doesn't like his hearing aids, so try to speak clearly but be careful with your voice being too loud.” Fit nods, and Roier grabs air. “Pepito doesn't like to use sign language to communicate, so he's probably just gonna use his AAC advice, if he wants to communicate at all. We also have a bunch of communication cards.” Fit can almost feel Roier's stress increasing as they speak. “There are also asthma inhalers in all the rooms, just in case.” The man at the sofa nods, already knowing the majority of the stuff, but letting Roier ramble either way. “He also has a pacifier, in case he's feeling like using it. We also have some teethers and some chew necklaces all over the place, he can use whatever he wants but make sure to clean them well first, please.”
“I understand, don't worry too much.”
“And—” Roier grabs a bunch of air again, and Fit starts to fear they're gonna pass out at this pace. Well, at least he's remembering to breathe, Fit mind supplies after a few seconds. “Pepito knows how to do ‘safe hands’ you just have to—” Roier clenches his hands together. “-do this when Pepito is unconsciously making a dangerous behavior or harmful stimming, and Pepito will know to mimic you and try to stop it.” Roier is rushedly putting their coat on as he speaks. “His favorite objects are a white rabbit plushie, and an axolotl pop-it. Don't touch them without Pepito's consent, or that’ll end up in another meltdown.”
“It's gonna be okay, I got it.” Fit gently smiles, trying to reassure Roier a bit. It seems to work, when they receive a tired yet big smile back. Fit vaguely wonders if Roier wrote all of that down before meeting him, since they tend to use more spanish when talking. He probably wanted to make sure that Fit understood everything.
“If he wakes up-” Roier continues, as they get on his gloves. “-you can just, talk to him and he'll eventually fall asleep again. I'm sure he's gonna be exhausted but he definitely wants to say hello to you. In case he's up, Pepito's gonna probably want to cuddle and then sleep again, try to speak to him about spiders or Minecraft, those are one of his special interests. You can also show him some stimboards, he loves them.” Fit watches as Roier messily grabs a bunch of fidgets and puts them inside their backpack as he speaks. “If you see him eating something, probably full of potatoes, don't touch it or acknowledge what he's eating, it triggers his ARFID pretty badly.”
Roier makes a long, loooong sigh and closes his eyes. Fit figures that they're trying to think if he forgot something. When nothing seemed to come, Roier approached Fit and hugged them.
“I really really need to go.” Roier sadly says while hiding his face, and Fit just hugs back. ‘but I don't want to go’, They both know he wants to add, but those words mean nothing when work has to be done. Bills have to be paid. Food has to be placed at the table somehow.
It's hard, and he understands, and Roier knows he understands. When they grew apart from the hug, Roier sadly marched to the door, waving a quick goodbye to the babysitter.
“If you need something, anything, call- uh, message me, sorry. And uh, yeah I'll answer as soon as I can.” He says while sadly looking at Fit. “I owe you one man, you don't know how much this means to me.”
“It's okay Roier, go to work, we'll be fine, and you don't owe me anything, it's just what friends do.”
“I could kiss you right now!”
“Please don't.”
“I know, I know. ¡Adiós!”
Fit waves back, waiting for his friend to close the door before going back to the living room and sitting at the same place, a long sigh that they didn't know he was retaining was escaping from them.
Roier's laugh could be heard even when he shut the door, and Fit sighs. Roier has so much energy, even when he probably slept nothing trying to take care of Pepito after the meltdown and being late to work.
Fit looks at the fiber optic lamp, wondering if Roier forgot to turn it off or just chose to let it be on because of Fit, since Pepito is just sleeping. It looks cool though, so he doesn't complain about it.
Some time passes, and Fit vaguely thinks about using one of Roier's clickers fidgets, but worrying about it making too much noise he decides to get up and look through Roier's books, hoping to find something of their interest. Roier doesn't seem like the type of person to like war or history at all, but whatever. They're a bunch of psychology books mixed with a bunch of Spider-man comics.
Pepito seems to be peacefully sleeping still, since some snoring could be heard from time to time, so they decided to grab one of Roier's psychology books to kill some time, sitting at the same spot from before on the sofa, and peacefully reading some pages while gently caressing the paper. Fit really likes the texture of the paper from the books for some reason, caressing it feels too good not to do it. They don't understand much of the content from the book since it's pretty technical, but he likes to try to read it anyway.
The brain is something so amazing and interesting… sadly for Fit, his brain is doomed to be hurting, or at least that's what they feel like.
While he's passing a bunch of pages with too complicated information, they notice something at the table that couldn't be seen before Roier cleaned the disaster of papers, binders, exams and work things.
Their eyes fall into a cube that looks made of slime or something like that. It's definitely a fidget toy, one of the ones you're supposed to squeeze, that definitely looks like an ice cube, but this one it's technically a magma cube or something, since it's all red.
Fit figured nothing will happen if he just… touches it. Just a bit, to test the texture of it. The very vibrant red color that it has makes Fit's eyes tingle in a good way. They want to squeeze it really hard and maybe chew on it. Looks very chewy.
He should buy something like that for Ramón, but the kid is always wary of trying new fidgets. It's a mix between that he's scared of not liking the texture, and the fact that it's something new. Fit can relate to that, honestly.
Fit closes the book, not really caring about it anymore, and gently places it at the table, next to the fidget that captured their attention. He grabs a shaky breath.
Ramón is safely at school, Pepito is sleeping, no one can access Roier's apartment, everything is fine. So, a bit of actually relaxing couldn't kill them. Hopefully.
“Stupid brain.” Fit whispers while lifting their good hand, just to get off their glove and grab the magma-looking ice cube fidget. It actually looks very pretty, the dim lighting that can enter from the blinds of the windows make it look almost ethereal, like a lava lamp kind of.
It almost looks like one of those monsters that look like a magma cube that Ramón often shows Fit when he's exploring in Minecraft.
He gently moves it so it's resting at his palm, it wiggles a bit and Fit just stares at it. The texture is not horrible, which is a nice start.
Healing is a bitch and it hurts so badly but it's also totally worth it and tastes so good and freedom feels amazing, or at least that's what Fit's trying to repeat like a mantra until he actually believes it while gently caressing the ice cube.
Healing implies learning to unmask, and that's something that Fit doesn't know if they're ready to try out… yet.
He's gonna try to bring it out today at the therapy session, because now that they finally found a therapist who actually tries to help them with his autism diagnosis they need to start talking about it.
Finally, finally a professional is trying to hear them instead of just dismissing it, or questioning if they got misdiagnosed just because he has been masking half, or maybe all their life. a miserable life.
Afraid of judgement, afraid of himself.
He squeezes the fidget.
It feels good under his digits, smoothly deforming and fastly recovering its supposed appearance.
Why does it feel so good to squeeze?
It's just a cube. They squeeze it again.
His brain is screaming at them to keep doing that while his heart is just beating fast in fear.
What if someone sees him?
That thought alone made them get up and quickly go to the bathroom to clean the fidget so they stop using it.
Fit vaguely wonders if one of Roier's special interests is Spiderman while the mentioned character looks at them straight in the eyes while he's washing his hands at the sink of the mentioned bathroom, being careful not to drop the ice cube fidget and get it all dirty again.
Fit is really close to asking Roier if they mind if Fit cleans and organizes the house a bit, desperately trying to search for something to do instead of having thoughts… and even though he already helped Roier a bunch of times with some cleaning and whatever, they chose not to say anything, a bit embarrassed of having to admit to himself that they need to clean to stop thinking for a while.
Is Ramón doing good at school? probably. But Fit still wonders and worries about the kid, hoping for him to have a good day instead of another meltdown.
They return the fidget to where it belongs on the table, sitting at the same spot again, choosing to pay attention to the phone instead of their thoughts about Ramón or this house or this ice cube or their lack of sleep or their cigarettes addiction or about him or—
He’s got a bunch of messages, smiling down at their phone when he notices that most of the messages are from the wrong number. Whatever he was doing that was making him too busy to answer seems to be over already, so Fit is happy to chat with him again, asking about how's his day going while they share about their babysitting duties today.
When Fit explains that he's helping a friend with their son, the wrong number answers praising him, saying how a good father he's gonna be in the future, if they want kids at all.
Fit laughs, and decides to vaguely explain that he already has a kid of his own, but they try not to talk about him too much because of privacy. The wrong number understands, and after a beat he shares that he has a child, too.
The american tenderly smiles, and both of them start sharing some lively moments with their kids trying to be as secretive as possible, and then the wrong number stopped answering and Fit wonders why, and they suddenly get a lot of messages from their friend group, so he checks it just in case is Roier, which is improbable since he'll just privately talk to Fit, but whatever.
Doesn't hurt to check just in case.
or maybe Fit is just trying to search for excuses to not be alone with their brain for too long.
Either way, the mentioned opens the chat, being welcomed by a bunch of messages as he previously saw.
Tina has been sending a lot of selfies with Bagi, both of them seem pretty happy to be together again. Bad is teasing the two of them while Phil reacts to each one of the pictures with a thumbs up.
They're all talking about adding more people to the chat, or something like that. Fit anxiously reads the previous messages, trying to get some context before freaking out.
Bagi was the only brazilian inside their group chat, but since Richarlyson is gonna be tomorrow at The Nest, everyone decided it was the perfect time to introduce the new parents to the group chat and try to start getting the names and knowing a bit about Richarlyson's needs before they come to The Nest. And this Saturday is the party, his mind supplies after thinking about this week's schedule.
Knowing all that information doesn't ease Fit at all, they blink twice at the new names displayed under their eyes. It's gonna be a long trip to get used to having so many people in the same chat again. He's gonna need a lot of time to get confident enough to try to message there, but, thinking about what Phil would say, Fit's gonna try to be patient with himself. Even though being this stupid over texting is pretty annoying to them. But it's okay.
>Feeeelps was added to the chat
>Cellbit was added to the chat
>pactw was added to the chat
>mikethelink was added to the chat
>minethebarb was added to the chat
Fit anxiously eyes at the names.
They're definitely... something.
He thinks, that the one apparently named 'Pac' is gonna be a good friend of Etoiles, who is already excitedly asking if they like Pac-Man, even though they literally have it in their name, but it could be just a huge coincidence so…
Bagi seems to be excitedly welcoming them or something, since Fit could appreciate a bunch of messages from her and then the new people, but he can't really understand what they're saying, which it's okay, he just needs time. It's okay. They'll get used to this, even if change sucks.
It's funny when Phil grabs Quackity's name and asks him for a translation of what the others are saying. Quacks’ too busy to answer today, but Fit laughs nonetheless.
They're reading a bunch of the messages, —the ones that he can understand—, laughing at them, when the sudden noise of a squeaking bed and a child vocally stimming makes him automatically get off the phone, letting it rest at the table and looking at the door frame with the hopes of seeing Pepito, not knowing if he should go check on him or just wait until the child comes to the living room. They don't want to overwhelm him.
Pepito enters the room a few seconds later, he has a big blanket being dragged with him across the floor, and a white rabbit that he's tightly hugging to his chest. Fit notices that the kid also has an AAC device on the other hand under the blanket, and he wonders how he's carrying all that stuff at the same time without dropping anything.
“Pepito.” Fit greets the kid who approaches more, he's trying to think how to navigate this, keeping their tone low but clear to hear. “How are you feeling, boy?”
Pepito suddenly drops the blanket to the floor, which Fit now notices it's Minecraft themed, and the kid places the white rabbit under his armpit to aggressively shake one of his hands while the other is still tightly grabbing the AAC device.
“Bad.” A monotone and robotic-like voice reads out loud when the kid presses the word at the screen, answering Fit's question, and the mentioned makes a face, understanding the pain of being awake after a meltdown. “Bad.” Pepito presses it again, and again. “Bad, bad.”
“I understand.” Fit says, trying to keep a sweet tone, not wanting to distress the child even more if possible, he gently taps a bunch of times at their own thigh, carefully choosing their next words. “What do you need?”
If Pepito takes too long to answer, he'll add a quick ‘do you know what you need right now?’ and then see what comes next from that, but after a few seconds where Pepito seems to be thinking about it really hard, the kid aggressively shakes one of his hands again while using the other to answer, almost dropping his plushie.
“Cuddle?” Fit tenderly smiles at Pepito's request, the questioning tone of the AAC device sounded so cold, but knowing that it's the way Pepito uses to express himself makes it sweeter. “Cuddle? cuddle?” After a beat, Pepito ads. “Please? cuddle?”
“Of course Pepito, come here.” Fit knows that Pepito really likes tight hugs, so he opens their arms, waiting for the kid to do something instead of just assuming what he wants, he also gets off the glove of their good hand just in case Pepito would like to feel the warmth from it. Ramón really likes that, so maybe Pepito does too.
Pepito makes a squeaking sound that the other assumes is a happy squeak while bouncing on the balls of his feet, and then fastly running towards his uncle, almost tripping a bunch of times and making Fit's heart skip a beat each one of those. Then, the child widely smiles at his uncle, making grabbing hands with one hand while he uses the other to press the AAC device against Fit's leg.
“Do you want me to have it?” Fit points at the device and then at himself trying to make it more clear in case he's talking too low for Pepito to hear, but apparently the child got it since he lifted it and Fit gently grabbed it and placed it at the table, near the fiber optic lamp.
Fit lifts the child, who giggles at the action, and then gently presses him against their chest. Pepito fastly settles in and sighs, probably grateful for the warmth. The chill of January is merciful for no one.
When the child seems comfy as ever, Fit reaches for the other spare blanket that Roier let them in case they were cold, —probably because of using the gloves inside the house even when the heater is on, but Fit ignores that thought—, and places it above Pepito who just stirs a bit but seems pretty content, tightly hugging his rabbit plushie. Fit looks at the hand that is hugging the rabbit, a bit sad about seeing a bandaid trying to cover what looked like a still healing bite mark. Probably from yesterday’s meltdown. He's not going to judge the kid, he did what he thought would help him feel better, or at least feel a little less miserable.
The band-aid is Spiderman themed, which probably surprised no one.
As Pepito makes himself comfortable at Fit's lap, the last mentioned tries to remember Roier's words, trying to ignore their own brain. He should probably talk the kid into sleeping ranting about Minecraft —because Fit absolutely knows nothing about spiders—, since showing Pepito some stimboards sounds like a terrible idea, the screen would make the headache that he's probably feeling post-meltdown even worse.
Fit searches through their brain, trying to collect any kind of Minecraft related information that Ramón or someone else of the kids shared while gently caressing Pepito's back, slowly moving his hand up and down, trying to make a soothing motion for the sleepy child.
Fit was going to start talking to Pepito, wanting to ask him if he noticed that in Minecraft, spiders are friendly by day, when the sudden change in the kid's breathing made him stop thinking.
It seems like Pepito was asleep already.
Fit sighs, glad that he's resting, not wanting to mess this up. The texture of the Spiderman onesie that Pepito is wearing feels really nice under their digits, so he keeps caressing Pepito's back while the child peacefully and pretty loudly sleeps. He's tightly hugging his rabbit plushie even in his sleep, which makes Fit giggle. He looks down at the child with tender eyes.
Having Pepito so close makes Fit's separation anxiety ease a bit, but at the same time, they hesitate sometimes.
Something inside of him screams, fearing of hurting the kids, them being so fragile while Fit's hands are just made to destroy. He's a war veteran after all. Doom to hurt.
But that thought doesn't feel right when he's gently caressing Pepito, who seems enjoying the cuddle against Fit's chest, even when his eyes are closed, but his expression is so peaceful.
Pepito is pretty young, the younger of all their kids. Even if Quackity makes it and succeeds in adopting Chunsik instead of just fostering him, he's a little bit older than Pepito, so the kid's gonna be younger either way.
Fit's not so sure about Richarlyson though, maybe they're also older, or maybe young.
The child slightly stirs at their embrace, and Fit flinches a bit, fastly taking his hand away from Pepito's back, but the child just makes a groaning sound in some kind of protest and Fit places it again at his back, the child quickly melts at the touch and continues to try to sleep.
Fit vaguely thinks about turning the fiber optic lamp off just in case it disrupts Pepito's sleep, but he doesn't seem to mind, probably already used to it being on all the time, both Pepito and Roier seem like the kind of constantly sensory seeking neurodivergent.
It makes sense. Fit has been to Pepito's room, and the spare room that Roier transformed into a sensory room. Both of them are very pretty, and colorful, full of life and accomodations. There are sensory lava floor tiles, textured sensory floor mats, fish bubble tube lamps, crash pads, and even weighted blankets everywhere you land your eyes on. And that's only what Fit noticed with some quick glances here and there, too busy paying attention to the kids instead. Even though they're always very wary and hyper-vigilant, constantly being very aware of who's coming, going out, or how to exit the room in the most efficient way.
That's something that he shares with Phil.
Fit actually loves those rooms, he doesn't understand why Pepito preferred to be here with them instead of in any of the mentioned rooms, or any of the other rooms in this house really, all of them are very… homelike.
They're all very warm, very loved, very lived in.
He absolutely needs to try to make their home more welcoming. Maybe more objects in the room that they use as a sensory room for Ramón, but nothing neurodivergent related is cheap by any means, so it's gonna take a lot of time and effort but it'd be definitely worth it if it helps Ramón. He should use the other spare room to have someone else here so they both can pay rent so he can actually have some extra savings or whatever. But all of their friends have an apartment already, so it's pretty complicated, because Fit is absolutely not willing to share their space with a stranger, much less if Ramón is here.
Fuck capitalism. He only wants his child to be happy and regulated.
Everything is so fucking unnaforable for no reason.
They try to think about something that could help Pepito, choosing to just start humming low, not really knowing if Pepito is listening or if he's doing this for himself instead of the mentioned kid, but it feels right so they just keep doing it, a mindless tone that may or may not have a resemble to a real song out of tone. Trying to distract himself, he chooses to grab their phone again, careful not to wake up the child.
He has a bunch of messages from the wrong number again, and Fit smiles. Usually they get a bit overwhelmed when they have so many messages from someone, but for some reason that rule breaks with the stranger not-so-stranger-anymore. They should think about nicknames or something because calling each other ‘wrong number’ sounds a bit weird, but they're both weird so it's okay.
The mentioned is asking about who are the babysitter duties going, and Fit is happy to admit that it's going pretty well, at least for now.
He also gets a message from Etoiles, who's asking if Pepito is feeling like having a video call with Pomme, but Fit fastly explains that maybe later since Pepito seems pretty out of it and mostly tired, exhausted perhaps.
Phil also texts them, remembering Fit that he's also going to be at therapy in case he forgot —even when they both know Fit would never forget, but Phil just wanted an excuse to talk to them probably—, and also adding that he's using crutches today, which Fit fastly assures it's okay, they're just gonna use the car and they'll go home, and after everything he would drive Phil home, too.
After that, they continue messaging the wrong number, and Fit vaguely wonders if he’d think bad of Fit for going to therapy. Probably not, but the possibility is always there.
Then, he received a message from Roier saying that they're almost done with work today, so he's going to be home soon. They also said that he's gonna text Fit before entering the house which is honestly something that he really appreciates.
He tries so hard to ignore the thought of how the fuck does Roier know that, and sends them a photo of Pepito at their lap, wrapped under the blanket like a burrito. Roier reacts with a lot of random letters and emojis and Fit can almost hear them screaming from here.
After a long while, Fit is almost starting to get sleepy himself when Pepito stirs again, this time longer and messier than before, probably actually awaking this time. The child loudly yawns and tiredly rubs at his eyes, trying to get the sleep off of them. He looks like a tiny burrito, all wrapped up and covered in the blanket, comfortable as ever. Fit stills, hoping that the child remembers that he was napping above his uncle.
Pepito looks up at them with big eyes, and then slowly moves until lifting one of his hands and touching one of Fit's hearing aids, the mentioned is scared just in case the kid wants to tug at it, but he just gently messes with it. Then, Pepito lets it go and nuzzles his face against Fit's broad shoulder, letting them be a bit confused about what the child wanted with the hearing aid but not questioning it at all.
“How are you doing, little one?” Fit asks when the kid seems a little more awake, trying to keep their tone as calm, monotone and clear as possible. Pepito just intensely stares at Fit, who just tilts their head, and they suddenly remember. “Oh no, sorry Pepito, my bad, wait—” Fit lifts his hand, carefully caressing Pepito with the other trying not to make him fall while he reaches for his AAC device and gives it to the child.
Pepito looks at the options and then nuzzles the rabbit plushie against his face, probably thinking. Then, he touches the screen. “Sleep. More.”
Fit coos, looking down at the child, who is furiously staring at his screen. “Do you want to sleep more?” Pepito doesn't react at what he said, still looking at the screen of the AAC device.
“Apa?” The device reads this time. “Apa? Apa?” Fit was waiting until Pepito was done communicating to answer to him. “Potato? Potato..”
Fit chuckles, he's not sure anymore if the child is asking for something or just using the device to stim, but either way they chose to continue with the conversation, trying to engage with the child before his parent comes home.
“Your dad is coming soon, are you excited, Pepito?”
The mentioned child doesn't respond to Fit at all, but it's okay because he knows he heard them. Pepito moves the rabbit plushie, pushing it against Fit's arm, who a little bit confused gently grabs the plushie, and while Pepito moves to get off the sofa, they put on their glove again, feeling weird about having only one on.
Pepito goes out of the room and Fit thinks if they should follow him or not, but they choose to just sit still with the white rabbit at their arms, waiting for when Pepito's returns and listing close just in case the child decided to be mischievous, which Fit doubts after the nap-post-meltdown, but the worry is always there. Their father's instincts are going nuts each time Pepito is not under his gaze, but he's trying so hard to breathe and just let the child be.
It's funny because people think that if you're hard of hearing or deaf, your home must be so silent. But, it's actually the other way around, you can't hear how much noise you're making so... Pepito is loudly babbling while stomping at the floor while running to his own room, probably searching for something.
Fit looks down at the plushie, it looks pretty loved, just like Ramón’s plushies. Seeing the kids loving something so strongly makes something inside Fit stir, in a good way.
Pepito comes back quickly, making a popping sound, Fit looks at him when he's entering the living room, the child has a huge pink axolotl pop-it which he's furiously pressing. He runs towards Fit and then puts the pop-it at the table, sits at the floor and keeps using the pop-it. Fit just smiles and makes a quick video to send Roier while they're arriving home.
Some time later, Fit receives a message of Roier warning them that they're at the door, and the first mentioned replies a quick ‘okay’, trying to calm his racing heart while looking at the child still stimming with the axolotl pop-it, this time with the rabbit plushie near him.
The door opens, Pepito squeaks, gets up, almost throws off the fiber optic lamp from the table, and fastly runs to the entrance. Fit doesn't get up, not really knowing what they should do, choosing to just patiently wait there, giving the father and son a moment.
When Roier comes to the living room, Fit laughs at the sight of Roier limping, and Pepito tightly hugging their leg, looking like a tiny koala. The mexican takes a seat beside Fit, and fastly puts Pepito on his lap, the child laughs at being manhandled like that and Fit just coos, loving to see their lovely interactions, Pepito giggling while Roier kisses all his little face.
Roier and Fit have a mindless talk while Pepito snores at his dad's lap, the child is again wrapped with some blankets and hugging his rabbit, a peaceful expression is covering all his face when Roier puts his weighted blanket above him. Fit's glad the child is resting as much as he can, both of them tenderly looking at Pepito while having a conversation.
“Can I be honest with you really quick?” Fit is a bit surprised by Roier's tone changing to one more serious, having the magma-looking ice cube fidget at their hands, squeezing it and then watching it quickly come back to its previous form.
“Of course.”
“Sometimes I feel a bit… guilty.” He squeezes the fidget with both hands this time, making it look like a plain blob of red, almost like a small pizza full of tomato. The red ice cube comes back to its original form quickly.
“What? Why?” Fit feels too confused, trying to process what he heard.
Was Roier guilty because he was taking care of Pepito? They literally accepted to do so, so Roier shouldn't feel guilty. Even though emotions are pretty strange and you can't really control them, so it makes sense. Instead of assuming, he waits until the other finds the words to continue.
“I dunno man I just— today.” Roier laughs, even though there's nothing humorous in their tone. “My son is hurting and- what do I do? I just go out to take care of other children while he's here, feeling awful? man.”
Fit sometimes wishes he could hurt for everyone, so no one else has to be hurting again ever. But that's not how life works, so they ponder for a few seconds, trying to think of the best words to use.
“It's not your fault, you need to make money somehow to survive, and to help Pepito have everything he needs and more.” Fit says, watching as Roier pours all his anger into the poor ice cube fidget. “You're an amazing parent, don't doubt that ever. I'm pretty sure you're one of the favorite uncles of all the children.”
Roier looks at Fit with watery eyes, and Fit makes a smile even though it’s awkward he hopes is also comforting. Roier puts the fidget at the table and hugs them tight, carefully not to move too much to not awake Pepito. Fit doesn't complain, just letting the other hug him, a bit surprised but trying not to look taken back by the sudden action.
Fit chest hurts, and it's not because of Roier's shaking arms, it's because he can recall that Phil said something similar to him, not too long ago. He'll have to say ‘fuck you’ to Phil for being fucking right again.
No one is different from the other, everyone is just hurting and trying his best at the end of the day.
Maybe that's why Fit should try to use more gentleness with himself, but they're not… ready yet.
When you've been all your life trying desperately to be somebody else, you can't just love yourself from one day to the other. It takes a long time, and a lot of hurting in the process.
Sometimes it's hard to accept that you deserve gentleness, too.
“Sorry.” Roier says while releasing them, seeming a bit ashamed of his impulsive action, returning to grabbing the fidget and hardly squeezing it. Pepito stirs a bit, but doesn't seem to mind, slowly snoring even louder now.
“It's okay.” Fit quickly says, trying to sound as certain as he feels. “Being a parent is not easy, but you're doing an amazing job, just look at Pepito and how happy, safe and unapologetically himself he is.” Fit reaches and gently caresses Pepito's back, just like moments prior in the morning. The child unconsciously moves to the warm touch, so he tenderly smiles with amusement when the boy leans into the touch. “He's an amazing kid, and you're an amazing dad.”
Fit peacefully drives to Ramón's school, unconsciously humming the same tone they sang to the child some hours ago, light music being their only company while their heart stings, wanting to hug his son already. Only if Ramón's feeling like it, of course. Fit's mindlessly tapping at the steering wheel while waiting at a red light, trying to order their thoughts about what they want to talk to their therapist today.
He's vaguely thinking about mentioning a certain wrong number to their therapist, but they'll probably think it's a bit silly to be already attached to a literal stranger. Well, technically he's not a stranger anymore, they actually know a lot about each other, but not something that could compromise their safety. But he thinks he's just gonna keep it like a tiny secret for now, not even wanting to mention it to Phil, who would probably just call them a homosexual, which is true, but still.
They should have shown the wrong number Roier's magma-looking ice cube fidget. Fit knows that the person behind that number is really passionate about fidget toys, they both talked about it a bunch of times, the other talks about his ADHD very openly, while Fit just listens. Or well, reads. He has never met someone, besides of their own friends, that could speak so unashamedly of being neurodivergent. It felt nice, and scary and some strange feeling that he can't decipher clenches at their guts. He's not ready to talk to the wrong number about them being autistic himself, not yet.
He probably noticed by now, because of how many times they ended up infodumping about the second world war to him, and the fact that neurodivergent people accidently find each other. But Fit's brain can't take the thought of someone perceiving them as… different.
Does that sound wrong?absolutely.
Does that make it hurt less? absolutely not.
By the time they park the car he's already dizzy from all the spiral thoughts that they're having, gently closing the door and going to reunite with their child, wanting so badly to caress Ramón in his arms already. It's been a long day, and it's not even afternoon yet, and Phil still has to appear too.
"Fuck you." Fit says instead of greeting Phil, and the latter dramatically gasp while lifting his hands to his chest, narrowing his eyes and then laughing.
Fit smiles, thinking to himself that they absolutely remembered to insult Phil as he said he'll do this morning. It's funny because most of the time their memory is awful but for things like insulting his old friend, it works smoother than ever. nice.
"FitMC of 2B2T?! I'm fucking taken??" Fit makes a confused face at his friend's words, and after a few seconds all their face scrunches when understanding what he meant.
"Did you really have to use the name of my podcast?" Fit scoops aside, letting Phil enter the house. His legs braces make a sound that makes Fit want to scream, but they take a long breath instead. It's fine, he needs them.
"Yeah. I mean, mate, honestly, who names his podcast '2 Bunkers 2 Tanks."
"It's a fucking podcast about war! And it's just a reference to a joke!"
"Okay mate, whatever you say." Phil laughs while rolling his eyes.
"And what the fuck is the MC with my name mean?"
"Oh, Minecraft. You know, because all our children are really, really, really obsessed with that game for some reason. So yeah, I thought it looked cool with your name." Phil shrugs. "Why did you greet me like that?"
"Yeah, I know that literally all our children have a special interest in ‘block game’ as you call it, but I don't know what that's supposed to mean with my name." Fit purposely ignores Phi's question, so the other does the same, and quickly changes the subject while they go to Fit's car, Ramón being ready for therapy while Fit was probably not.
The walk when they're both out of therapy always hits different. Ramón is walking a bit faster than Phil and Fit, and the last mentioned just hopes Ramón doesn't start eloping at all, while also trying to be beside Phil, who obviously walks a little bit slower using his crutches. Phil glances at them, and Fit just returns it back a bit confused, not knowing what to expect from him today after a shutdown in front of him and their therapist.
“Do you wanna know something that really helped me to start getting comfortable with stimming?” Phil casually says, tone flat but not unfriendly, probably trying not to overwhelm them while intensely looking at Fit, who just shrugs. He has no energy after therapy, so they just nod, not wanting to fight over this again, and not having any words to share right now.
He doesn't look at Phil, they're too busy looking at Ramón right now. But Phil knows he's listening, so it's okay. Their phone buzzes a bit, probably Roier being grateful again or the wrong number asking about how their day was. Exhausting could be a good word to describe it, definitely.
“Sounds silly, but it worked for me, so hear me out okay.”
Fit wanted to fight back, replying that technically they're obligated to hear him, since he doesn't want to get off their hearing aids in case he needs to hear Ramón running off. But he just buffs and tries to calm himself.
They're not really angry at Phil, he's just overstimulated, they try to gently remind himself.
“Stimming at the mirror.” Fit makes a humming sound, trying to process it, not really interested in what he was saying, too tired and drained to form any coherent thoughts right now. “Recording myself, taking pictures of myself mildly physically stimming, seeing myself being so happy and calm for once. Seeing me being unapologetically myself.”
Fit hears the faint chirp of some birds passing by, and he wonders if Phil succeeded in befriending those crows that he wanted so badly to trust him. They chose to just shrug again instead, not knowing if he's capable of speaking right now, but it's okay, I'll pass, just like everything else.
“It worked out for me, but doesn't mean it's gonna work for you. But trying doesn't hurt, you know.” Fit dares to glance at Phil's eyes, and he just slowly moves up his blonde and almost nonexistent eyebrows, waiting for something. “Missa, Kristin, Chay and Lullah also helped, of course. I just want to make everyone understand that it's definitely okay to stim, you know.”
Fit nods. He gets it. It's important, it's life-saving. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, especially when you got practically raised into hating it and being shamed and made fun of because of it. He moves one of their gloves hands, trying to catch Phil's gaze.
“I could try.” Fit signs when the other looked at their hands as he wanted him to do. “I think?” He adds so fast that the other almost misses it, but even if Phil successfully understood it, he chooses not to mention it, just gently smiling up at Fit, who just darts their eyes to Ramón again. The child seems as tired as Fit feels.
Ramón is excitedly jumping at the door, waiting for his father to open it already and probably warping himself under the weighted blanket and forgetting that everyone else exists, but Fit tries to get his attention first.
“Remember to wash your hands, okay Ramón?” Fit signs to the child, who just nods and replies back with a thumbs up.
Ramón runs to the bathroom while Fit holds the door as widely open as possible so Phil can comfortably enter the apartment, he chose to make Fit and Ramón some company after therapy instead of going home for some reason.
“I'm sorry.” Fit says when he sits at his designated place on the sofa, throat sore and anxiously fidgeting with their gloved hands and trying so hard not to chew on his already messed up lips.
“It's okay.”
Phil sits in front of the other, letting the crutches rest near him and gently messing with his own legs, apparently trying to search for a comfortable sitting posture. When he seems to find it, he sighs, letting himself relax against the sofa. Fit says nothing, but slowly moves his fidget toy basket for guests, silently pushing it towards Phil, who just looks at it and chooses to grab a fidget cube. Fit doesn't like fidget cubes that much, but he can see the appeal of them.
After a while, both of them could hear Ramón pacing through the house, and the faint clicking of the fidget cube at Phil's hands.
“I'm so confused.”
Fit dares to say after a bit.
“About what exactly?”
Fit faintly wishes that Phil could have chosen a more silent fidget.
“I didn't have meltdowns. Or at least I never showed them to anyone, I always buried my emotions because I thought…” Fit sighs, and Phil nods. He doesn't need to say it, Phil knows.
“I mean, I'm sure you had those, you can have internalized meltdowns or shutdowns if you're in an unsafe environment, which you were.” Phil starts to rub at the ball of the fidget cube instead of the switch while carefully thinking about his next words. “They'll come out eventually in one way or another, usually as unhealthy coping mechanisms.” Phil glances at Fit's good arm, his old scars all covered by new ones burning under the gaze of his old friend.
Then, Phil makes the sign for ‘smoking’ and Fit almost wants to protest, but he just loudly groans instead, unconsciously making himself smaller at their seat.
"Kristin and Missa really helped me with that. It's always a bit embarrassing, I know. But you could literally die if you keep neglecting yourself and your needs like that.” Phil vaguely moves his hands, pointing at Fit up and down. The mentioned just sighs, too tired to fake being offended.
"Maybe you could help me if we lived together?" Fit says as a half joke, his brain supplying what they were thinking this morning at Roier's home, just a selfish thought about being taken care of, instead of being the one who takes care of. “Just a joke by the way.”
"Yeah, but I live with two partners and two kids. I don't think we're ready to have two more people in our house.” Phil says, and Fit almost protests saying that he was talking about using his home, but honestly it's smaller than Phil's so maybe it's not the best idea. Fit doesn't want to move out though. "Oh, jokes aside, I remember you last year talking about having someone else at home, too. Why?"
Fit narrows their eyes, looking straight into Phil's soul. The mentioned just arches his stupid blonde eyebrows and waits, messing with the fidget cube.
"That was last month!"
"Yeah. Last year. We're in January, you know." Phil moves around the fidget cube since he's gesturing while talking, and Fit almost wants to snap it off of his hands and take it back to the basket so he stops with the clicking sounds. When Fit notices that train of thoughts, he takes a shaky breath, trying to calm down. It's the exhaustion talking, not them.
"Okay, whatever.” He’s using a plain tone, but not an unfriendly one, just a bit monotone, not caring about that right now. “It's because money is always so painful to get, and you know, everything would be better if I actually had some extra money. Ramón deserves so many things that I cannot afford.”
“I see.” Phil hums while moving around the fidget cube. Then, he slightly moves one of his legs using his hands, it probably hurts or whatever. “I need you to know this, you're not a bad parent just because you can't afford that fancy shit that is so pricey for no reason, and that they exclaim is neurodivergent-aimed.”
Fit sighs. Why is being alive so expensive?
He looks at the door frame, trying to hear if Ramón is just chilling at his room. The sound of his bed being messed with and some giggles make them know that he's just, in fact, in his room doing some shenanigans.
Fit's glad Ramón’s not hearing this conversation, he doesn't want his kid to stress about money. He's just a kid.
“What you do with the money you have though, is what makes you a good parent. You literally only think about Ramón, you're a good parent, even if your silly brain tries to tell you otherwise.” Phil points at his own head and pokes it a bunch of times with his index finger, while Fit is having flashbacks from the conversation this morning with Roier. “Everything is a market, sadly. If your kids needs a stress ball to regulate, then, they're gonna make that stress ball pricey as fuck, just because they can and want to.”
“You know it for real having two kids.” Fit tries to joke, but their tone morphed into a bit of sadness and the other just nods. “It's… complicated to navigate in such a hostile world that is not even made for you.”
“Agreed.” Phil nods again, this time using the strange textured wheel from the fidget cube. “You also tend to feel alone. Maybe this having-someone-else-at-home feeling, is just a loneliness feeling.”
“Maybe?”
“Maybe question mark? Really?”
“Come on man, work with me here. I'm trying so hard to open myself up and you're just making fun of me!” The american is close to throwing that fidget cube out of the window, but chooses to fidget with his gloves instead, tugging at the familiar texture.
“I'm not making fun of you, I'm just judging you pretty badly.” Fit makes a face and Phil starts loudly laughing, making himself have hiccups. “I'm sorry mate! Just joking I swear. Judging-free zone here, swear in Chayanne.”
“I don't know if this sounds wrong to say but, I'm glad Bad doesn't make us pay because of our kids going to their group on Thursday.” Fit exhaustedly sighs, tugging at their own glove a little bit too strong.
“It's okay.” Phil is quick to reassure. “We own them a lot honestly, we should give xem more recognition. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but sometimes… is too much. It's good to have at least a while to rest. You should try it sometime, resting, you know.”
Fit was going to loudly protest again, but Ramón came running, almost falling at his dad's feet if it weren't for Fit quickly and gently grabbing him so he wouldn't fall off, placing him at his lap, Techno was being tightly grabbed by the mentioned child.
“Are you having fun, Ramón?” Fit asks lovely looking down at his kid, the mentioned child fastly nods, showing Fit his plushie. Fit titles his head, a bit confused about what Ramón wants them to do.
"Yoink" Phil loudly says and fastly but carefully grabs Techno, showing it to Ramón, who tries to grab it back with a smile.
“You can't just” Ramón starts signing, but then stops, pondering. After a few seconds, he continues, fingerspelling the word ‘yoink’ since there's probably not a way of signing that specific thing yet. “You can't just ‘y-o-i-n-k’ Techno!”
“I'm pretty sure I just did.” Phil is fast to answer with a wide grin on his face, just trying to play with the child. Fit sighs, not knowing who's more childish, the child or Phil.
“Phil, can you please return the plushie to my child.”
Phil sighs, making a hurt face as a joke, while lifting his hand again just to give Techno to Ramón, Who quickly grabs the plushie and hugs it tightly against his chest and against Fit's chest, using his father and his own body as a shield in case his uncle tried to kidnap Techno again.
“Thank you, Philza. I thought I would have to ground you, young man.”
Now it's Fit's and Ramón’s turn to laugh at Phil's face, who after faking being hurt by their words, simply smiles, and Fit smiles back at him, too. Phil's just probably trying to distract both Fit and Ramón from their own thoughts after the intense therapy today.
“Are you excited to meet Richarlyson tomorrow, mate?” Phil asks the kid after a long while of silence followed by Ramón playing with Techno. Ramón, still at Fit's lap, turns his head a bit to half look at Phil, and then shrugs.
Fit was going to say something, just so the child wouldn't feel too at the spotlight right now, but Ramón carefully places Techo at his father's embrace just to start flapping his hands, probably trying to regulate himself before answering to his tío.
“Excited.” Ramón signs, so fast that both of the adults almost miss it, and then, he quickly adds. “Afraid.”
Fit coos, his expression trying to match their weird feeling that they're trying to process right now. He can really relate to what his son just said, which is sad. They don't want Ramón to feel as afraid as Fit is to meet new people, but. but.
“I understand, Ramón.” Phil answers, using a sweet tone while looking at Techno, knowing that Ramón hates when people look at him, and even more if he's already feeling distressed. “Anything in particular you want to share with us before tomorrow?” Ramón seems to ponder while Phil adds. “Or your dad, you don't need to share anything with me if you don't want to.”
Fit almost wants to laugh, Phil's using the same stupid ass sweet tone that he uses with them when Fit's distressed. He doesn't know if he should feel thankful or punch him in the face.
Ramón signing something makes them look at him.
“How can I make…?” Ramón stops, pondering again. Fit wonders what he's thinking when the child starts fingerspelling Richarlyson's name, which makes Fit remember that he needs to ask Bagi what's the chosen mame sign for Richarlyson. “How can I make R-i-c-h-a-s want to be my friend?”
“Patience, my boy. It's your first time meeting them. Remember what happened with Sunny?” Ramón nods at his dad's words, looking everywhere but at them. “Give them space, and time, don't try to rush it.” The child nods again, and Phil just looks at both of them with the proudest smile ever. Fit tries to ignore him.
Fit's not the best at giving advice, much less if they're talking about meeting new people and creating a new friendship, but everything for Ramón. Good thing that Phil is also here, chiming in the conversation from time to time, trying to give the best advice that he could to the nervous child that only wants their hopefully new friend to feel comfortable around him.
Fit wants to cry from how proud he is, but chooses to nibble at his lips instead.
After taking Phil home and successfully completing Fit’s night routine, he ponders about using the sofa or the bed today, thinking that probably the bed is the best option since their back is hurting a bit from being in the same posture too long today.
He didn't want Pepito to wake up so they just kept still while the child peacefully slept. Worth it.
They think about having a smoke break when the sound of Ramón’s little legs approaching makes him stop at the spot and turn around to see what his baby boy wants. Ramón should be asleep by now, so he probably is having some trouble trying to call it a day. Fit's hypothesis was confirmed when he looked at the child's eyes all weary and wobbly.
“Oh, Ramón. What's wrong, my boy?” Fit sits at the edge of the bed, opening their arms in case the child wants some comfort. Ramón said nothing and sprinted to his dad, jumping at their arms, almost dropping Techno at the action, but quickly grabbing him and securely placing him in his little arms.
“Can't sleep.” Ramón quickly signs. “Can I sleep with you tonight, please?” The kid lifts Techno, almost accidentally hitting Fit in the face with the plushie. “please?”
The dad sighs. They can't say ‘no’ to his child, his precious baby boy made in heaven by god himself.
“Okay, Ramón.” The mentioned makes a squeaking sound that Fit assumes is a happy answer. “Try to wake me up if you have a nightmare or can't sleep at all, okay?” The child furiously nods. “Promise me?”
Ramón lifts his tiny hand, showing his pinky to his father, who intertwines their pinkies and gently shakes them. Ramón grabs Techno with his free hand and puts the paw of his plushie above their hands, making his father almost cry at the action. Now the three of them are making a pinky promise.
It's weird, Fit thinks as he tucks Ramón to his bed and gently kisses his forehead, the child accidentally helped him to not smoke before going to bed, which he's both grateful for and a little bit angry, but they try not to think about cigarettes while laying besides Ramón, who is already closing his little eyes after Fit sang their goodnight song, and tightly hugging both Techno and Fit's good arm to his chest. Luckily Fit got off their prosthetic arm before Ramón came to them, which is pretty convenient since Fit doesn't like when Ramón stares at them while he's gently removing their prosthetic, feels weird.
Fit can feel Ramón's heartbeat from how tightly the child is hugging their hand against his chest, which soothes a bit of Fit's messy brain, which is not thinking about cigarettes at all, and after a while of hearing the light breathing of the mentioned child, Fit closes his tired eyes… some rest, finally.
That's what he would have thought if it weren't for the fact that as soon as they closed their eyes, the stupid alarm went off, announcing a new day.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
I wonder why 'pactw' and 'unknown number' are not the same number...
Chapter 8: Cookie grind.
Summary:
Richarlyson arrives! But Fit is not feeling too well.
Notes:
TW:
°This chapter contains a lot of bad self-talk, Fit is too exhausted to do anything and he just pushes it either way, making it worse.
°Briefly mentions of wanting to die, in the past.
°Mentions of child abuse, and dying.
°Mentions of scars.°Fit: he/him
°Ramón: he/they
°Phil: he/him
°Badboyhalo: xe\them
°Foolish: he/gold
°Tubbo: he/it/mushroom
°Niki: she/they/rain
°Felps: he/they/it/void/ze/'-'
°Richarlyson: Any. Prefers it/them
Chapter Text
«January 11, Thursday»
The alarm is ringing very loudly. Fuck. Fit looks at Ramón, the child seems pretty distressed by it, desperately looking for Fit's phone around the bedroom, and when he seems to find it, he glances at his dad and then quickly moves around the bed to set the alarm off, finally muffling the incessant sound. The child lets out a heavy sigh and then uncovers his ears, getting off the bed, probably excited to start his morning routine, even forgetting Techno behind while sprinting to the door from all the excitement.
Fit just watches him leaving the bedroom. He can't move, their body feels too heavy— fuck. He looks up at the ceiling, a storm of thoughts screaming at his brain. They can't get up. He can't get up! What the hell is happening? Why can't he just move their legs and get up?
He needs to get up because today is an important day and they need to just suck it up and get up and go to work and make money like the functional adult that he pretends to be. Big and tired hazel eyes stare at the ceiling. Everything feels wrong. Why does everything feel wrong? What the hell is this weird feeling?
He tries to think of a reason to get up, and they hate himself even more when the first thing that crosses his mind is a stupid cigarette. Not now.
The world's still spinning, he can hear a lot of sounds from the street, the neighbors, and Ramón running around the house, and they're just stuck there, like the mattress was retaining them, like the world is still spinning but he's just… behind.
The world wasn't ending, even if it felt like it was, the one who was stuck was him.
But fuck, he has things to do! They have to take Ramón to school, and then go to work, and then go to The Nest so Ramón can have the best time ever and Fit can't be the one ruining it! He can't— he can't ruin it.
They try to get up, and it's not working.
Why is it not working? It's just getting up, it can't be that hard.
It was, in fact, hard.
Fit's mind is screaming while their brain is melting. He tries to breathe, and close their eyes so maybe his nervous system would actually shut the fuck up for once and don't feel like getting up of bed was such a big of a threat.
He was so fucking confused and frightened, why was their own body against them, again? There's a heavyweight in his chest that doesn't seem to want to go away, and is making him just want to crawl into a dark corner in the security of their room and stop existing for a while to escape the sensation of his own body betraying him. Why do they feel so exhausted all of sudden?
Even when he can't really hear much without their hearing aids on, Fit can absolutely hear and feel their own fast breathing and racing heartbeat and sweet all over his body and—
His mind starts to wander, having too many thoughts at the same time, and most of them are not even related to the other, which is making him a bit dizzy from all the storm and screaming that was supposed to be their brain.
They think of yesterday, all that he said and did. Then, they vaguely remember when Ramón asked both Phil and him about how to be friends with Richarlyson, and that made them think of that one time with Sunny, one of the first times that they met her, and he thinks, —they can't stop thinking—, of when Ramón tried desperately to be Sunny's friend, and that somehow makes Fit's brain come back to that specific day.
Sunny appeared, Tubbo doesn't know how, but she just, they were just at Tubbo's door one day, like the queen she is, and Tubbo couldn't say ‘no’ to the mentioned and apparently lonely child, so after a long way of fighting and bureaucracy and all that shit, Sunny was officially Tubbo's daughter, and, at one of their firsts meetings with the rest of the kids, to try to, you know, make new friends, Ramón tried so so hard to be Sunny's friend, even giving them some paper flowers that Bad taught him to make by himself one day at The Nest, and that didn't ended up well.
It was also one of the first times that Ramón called Fit dad.
He remembers it like it was yesterday.
Ramón was struggling, because he tried to talk with Sunny about Pokemon or whatever after they didn't accept the flowers, and Sunny, poor Sunny, got too overstimulated because there were too many new people, and too bright lights —even if they were dim lights, they all learned after that day that Sunny has specially hypersensitive eyes—, and Tubbo was not under their gaze and they couldn't find it so she exploded, and they accidentally treated Ramón badly, just because he was the nearest to them, really. It's not her fault, she's just a kid, just like Ramón.
Ramón felt heartbroken, from all the trauma in the past of mean kids rejecting him for being autistic, and he went running towards Fit, who was surprised because Ramón was desperately signing “dad” again and again, while running towards him, releasing some tears.
Fit was surprised, not because of Sunny's outburst, that was normal in their friend group, but they were surprised because that was one of the first times that his son referred to them as dad and not just, Fit. Ramón also gave Fit the fake flowers, which were very cute. Ramón said that he could teach them how to make those flowers, and Fit accepted, because why not.
He remembers Tubbo trying to apologize and Ramón saying that it was okay, again and again. It was a long day for all of them, but now everything's fine and all the kids are friends and they all learned how to accommodate their needs, and how to respectfully treat each other. They fight, and then, they're friends again. That's what happens with children, really, and that's why Fit would never blame them, ever.
The same exact thing is probably going to happen with Chunsik when he realizes that —hopefully— Quackity’s gonna be his forever home, which means that all of them are gonna become a even bigger family.
Fit's excited, but scared at the same time, because that means two new kids, since Richarlyson is probably going to be a part of the group, too. And he can only hope that everything goes smoothly and the children can get along well.
Fit doesn't know how much time passes, but at some point Ramón is already done with his morning routine and ready to go out, since he's just standing at the door frame, intensely looking at his dad. Fit was going to say something, anything— but apparently words are not working either today. great. magnificent, even.
Ramón sprints out of the room, and Fit tries to ignore how badly that felt. Before his thoughts could get them again, Ramón was jumping at the bed, scaring Fit, who fastly grabs Techno so he doesn't fall off the bed, and looks at the child, expecting whatever shenanigans he's thinking of now. Ramón at least has the decency of looking a little bit guilty, but having a wide grin all over his face, and he absolutely has something at his hands by the way he's hiding them behind his back.
Fit just arches one of his eyebrows, and offers Techno, sliding him towards Ramón. Ramón slowly shows the hidden object and— oh. Ramón's spare pair of noise canceling headphones. He slides them towards his dad, and grabs Techno. Fit feels shocked, they weren't expecting that, it seems like Ramón thinks they're overstimulated and that's why he's not getting up. oh. Fit's going to tear up if the kid doesn't get out of the room right now, but luckily he did, probably going to grab his schoolbag. They try to breathe. It's not time for crying, he needs to get up and be an adult god damnit.
Their body is not listening. He keeps staring at the ceiling, this time with a pair of noise canceling headphones at their hand. He has a tight grip on them, fighting for not letting the tears abandon his eyes. Ramón appears again, this time having his schoolbag at his back, and everything ready.
Fit feels absolutely guilty now. He didn't even have the energy to get their prosthetic arm on, and here is the child, all ready to go to school.
Ramón slides something towards his father again, this time it's Fit's phone. He makes a humming sound, grabbing it, and vaguely thinking if it's Ramón's silent way of telling them to get the fuck up and move already before it's even more late— but no. The father looks at the screen, and the note app is opened, and something is written.
“why arent you usin the headphones”
Fit looks at his child, who is fidgeting with his tangle while looking at the floor, probably confused and worried about his father in his own way, while rocking back and forth in the balls of his feet. Fit is the one writing now, a bit slowly because the only thing he had to write was one thumb which was kind of awkward.
“But Ramon if I use this I can't use my hearing aids”
He writes above Ramón's words, sliding the phone towards the mentioned kid and waiting for an answer, or whatever Ramón's willing to give them back. Honestly, Fit doesn't even care if Ramón decides to keep his phone, he's pretty tired and their body feels too heavy to worry about something like that. He can only focus on how much of a failure he feels they are just because he can't get up of the fucking bed and drive his child to school.
Ramón passes back the phone, and Fit is eager to read it and-
“its not like you need to hear me talk or somethin :v”
Fit glances at Ramón, who is laughing at his own words, and the first mentioned just sighs. This child is in fact his child, even if they're not blood related you can tell he has been under Fit's wing for a long, long time. The father quickly replies again, deleting the answer a couple of times and re-writing it again. Why is he overthinking this too?
“Okay my boy, thank you”
Ramón blocks the phone after reading, and seems to be waiting for his father to do something. Just, something.
Fit looks at his child, his precious baby boy, who is in fact too intelligent for his own good.
Fit wishes, for an instance, that Ramón had been adopted by someone else, instead of him.
Then, as if he could hear Fit's thoughts, Ramón approaches them and carefully gets up the bed, ghosting a tiny hand over Fit's good hand, —since they're not wearing their prosthetic—, as if asking if he can touch them.
Fit nods, and Ramón is quick to grab Fit's hand and squeeze it. It seems like the child doesn't care about Fit's scarred hand, caressing it, trying to comfort his father whoever he can, probably mimicking all the times that Ramón saw someone do this exact same thing, in movies, videos or school.
The father's heart stirs, knowing that the son shouldn't be trying the one comforting the adult. That's not how that works.
Ramón grabs his father's phone again, and gently nudges it against their hand. Fit nods and grabs the phone. The first glance he takes, makes them know that he has a lot of messages that they need to answer. He decided to ignore them for a while, and looked at the time instead.
Okay. He still has a bit of time left, enough to get ready, maybe a shower and then take Ramón in time so he doesn't miss school just because of his father being weird today. Phil would absolutely kill them if he could hear how they talk to himself, but it's fine.
Fit carefully removes Ramón's hand from his own and sits straight up, moving their good hand —the only one that he has right now— to catch the child's attention to the mentioned limb, instead of the bed.
“Ramón, I'm okay don't worry.” Fit signs, trying to explain themselves as well as he can with only one hand, and not really knowing how to explain that strange and hollow feeling creeping through their chest. Ramón makes a weird expression, and Fit sighs. This child is too intelligent for his own good, really.
“Just tired, my boy.”
The child nods, even though their face says otherwise, and he goes out of the room again, probably going to grab something that he forgot or just use the bathroom before going out.
Calling Phil so he can drive Ramón to class was very tempting, but they don't want to bother him or someone else, so he sighs.
Fit tries to think of Ramón, instead of cigarettes. After grabbing a bunch of air in, and watching as their own chest gets up, he lets it all out, watching it go down. Then, he sits straight up, which is not much, but at least is something. They feel a bit dizzy, or maybe it's just exhaustion, or dehydration, or just their brain, really.
A small task to start could help, probably.
Maybe looking for their prosthetic could help.
Fit gets up, and searches for his prosthetic arm, as they mentally planned. His body still feels uncomfortably heavy with every step they took, but showering was next, since if he actually wants to put their prosthetic arm on, that means the shower will have to wait, and Fit only likes to shower in the morning, so, it's shower time, even if that idea feels really repulsive right now.
After the cold water, everything seems a little bit more manageable, which is pretty good. Not perfect, but mostly fine. Getting ready still feels like a challenge, but a much more manageable one.
When they're finally at the door, Ramón is excitedly rocking back and forth at the balls of his feet while waiting for his dad, who is intensely looking at their phone, while mindlessly fidgeting with the keys that are making a dim sound when moved.
He messages Etoiles and Ollie, apologizing a bunch of times for failing to go to work, again. Fit is a bit worried though, he doesn't want them both to have such a big responsibility for so long. Ollie tends to have huge meltdowns that most of the time makes the clients act in some inadequate ways, while Etoiles tends to suck it up and have his meltdown alone, which doesn't end up well either.
Both of them try to reassure Fit, saying that he should try to rest more, that their frenetic life is starting to get them. Fit huffs, and shuts off the phone, looking down at Ramón instead, smiling at the kid, who is shaking his arms as a stim while patiently waiting for his father. Fit’s smile widens, and kisses the top of Ramón's head, and then opens the door, gesturing to the child to get out.
Before starting the car, Fit awkwardly moves to look back at Ramón, trying so hard to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of the seatbelt against them, waving a hand at the child to get his attention, and the kid giggles, probably amused by the image of his father squeezed between the two seats of the car, and their broad shoulders definitely do not help with that, but Fit ignores that for the sake of remembering why was he looking at Ramón in the first place, and starts to sign with their gloved hands.
“Are you excited for today?”
Ramón practically screams at his father's question, while frantically nodding. He seems pretty excited indeed, and Fit smiles, hoping that school doesn't make him feel too bad today so he has the best day ever. They turn around again, starting the car and tightly gripping the steering wheel.
Fit's still feeling awful, and it seems like Ramón could tell too, since the child doesn't immediately ask his dad to put the current song he is obsessed with right now, he just sits at his place and looks outside of the window instead, not making even a small noise, not even using his tangle that lays near him, sadly looking, or maybe that was Techno, the mentioned plushie being also near Ramón, but slightly placed in a way that it seemed to be sadly looking at the kid. Or maybe it was just Fit's mind, making everything look worse than it really is, the living proof being the fact that the same street that they always walk in, seemed too empty and hollow today… or maybe it was under Fit's sad eyes.
Fit vaguely thinks about asking Ramón if he'll like to put the song, but their brain loudly protests at the idea. It makes Ramón happy and helps him to stim, yeah, but it's algo gonna make Fit even more overstimulated and that's something that he's not really willing to suffer while driving with a child behind. If it weren't for Ramón being here, Fit would park the car right now, in the most peaceful place possible, he'll lock the doors and then put his own current song they're obsessed with in repeat until being alive sounded appealing again.
When they're both outside of the car, Fit tries so hard not to make any kind of insufferable sound when closing the car's door. Ramón seems to have the same idea, his small fingers awkwardly pushing the door until it reaches its top and it keeps closed. When the work is done, the child seems to be beaming with happiness and proudly looks at his dad, who gives a thumbs up in response. They were going to start to walk towards Ramón's school door, when the child frantically moved his hand up and down, trying to take his father's attention. Fit arches both of his eyebrows while patiently waiting for Ramón to sign.
"You can wait here, I'm good.”
Fit's eyebrows get even higher, if that's possible, while intensely looking at his child's direction, but not directly at him. They can't really know if the kid is lying right now, he's too tired to analyze their son's gestures, and honestly, he's hard to understand sometimes because he actually has a neutral face most of the time, when he's not exaggerating his own facial expressions to fit in. And okay, not having to walk towards the school's doors seems really nice, since Fit's already resisting the incessant need of pressing his hands against their own ears to protect them from all the noise that all the kids and adults around them were making.
He could just get their hearing aids off, but then they wouldn't hear if someone tries to get too close to them. He, the person that shouldn't be mentioned near Ramón, —or Fit, really—, doesn't know where Ramón studies, but that doesn't mean he's not crazy enough to try to find it out.
"You sure?" Fit chooses to sign back, a bit skeptical about all of this, their eyebrows don't seem to want to go back to their place. Fit doesn't want his child to have a bad time because of them.
Ramón nods, and he looks pretty sure about it, so Fit just sighs, massaging his own temples. Today is gonna be a hard day, —Fit can't believe that the day is just starting! It seems like a whole week just passed by from how exhausted they are—, but hopefully everything will be okay in the end. Hopefully, Ramón will have a good day at school, and then he'll have the best time ever meeting Richarlyson and having fun at The Nest. Fit doesn't know who's more anxious about it, if Ramón, or him. Having to meet new people and socialize with them doesn't feel too appealing right now, but they'll have to just suck it up. Anything for this child made in heaven by god himself.
As if Ramón could hear Fit thinking about him, the child makes a squeaking sound that his father can't really process right now, and he reaches up and grabs one of Fit's hands, the good one. Fit panics, both because of the sudden touch and because of the fact that Ramón is getting off their glove and— what is Fit even supposed to do in a situation like this? Should he just tell him to stop? They can't pronounce any words right now- His heart is beating too fast and they don't know what to do and the touch stings and— what? oh.
A sticker of a Groudon, —the legendary dinosaur-like Continent Pokémon—, was gently pressed against their skin, making it tickle a bit and feel weird from the feeling of the adhesive. Fit wiggles his fingers.
Ramón doesn't even give an explanation and just walks away towards the school's door, Techno's head was slightly picking out from his school bag, and it almost seemed like Techno saluted Fit when the child started jumping up and down from the excitement of seeing Lullah near him.
He just feels… stuck, in their own body. He looks at their son slowly disappearing while entering the building, soon followed by an excited Chayanne who was running behind the mentioned children. Fit looks at their hand, the red on the Groudon looked pretty cool against their white skin. They put his glove back again, feeling weird wearing only one.
Fit is exhausted. And he's not really sure if they're gonna be able to mask all day, until The Nest is over. But he'll have to try, Ramón deserves to have a dad that would actually try hard for him. They close their eyes, trying to breathe while the noise of the people all around them gets slightly muffled since everyone started to go away. Fit just keeps still there for a while, their legs feel like jelly, and he's not sure if they're gonna be able to return to the car.
He returns to the car, closing the door as gently as possible, not wanting to hear anything. Or maybe just one thing, choosing to hear that specific song that is currently scratching Fit's brain in the right spot, putting it low as a background sound while they try to get his shit together again. They try to do those stupid breathing exercises and he gets even more angry when it actually works and their heart starts to beat in a mostly normal pace again.
His phone vibrates at their pocket, and they try so hard to not just throw that stupid square outside of the car through the window. Instead of that, he breathes again and puts his hands at their face and drags them across it, finding the pressing sensation slightly grounding. He’d kill to have a weighted blanket right now. But they don't own one, just Ramón.
He could just ask Phil, but what if he's having a flare up and stuck in bed? They could just ask any of their friends, really. All of them probably have at least one. But he rather just suffer than go through the embarrassment of having to ask for it and probably explain why. Is too pricey for Fit's taste, they’d never buy something that expensive to himself.
After a while of just existing there, and trying so hard not to start smoking in the parking of a school, Fit has a bad feeling, —another one—, this time as if he was being watched. Is probably just his messed up brain again, after all those years of… not having a good partner. not a good husband, if you will. He decided to just peak, just in case. Fit looks through the window, a bit terrified of finding those eyes. Instead, he ended up looking at that trainee teacher from some days ago, who just waves goodbye to them, so he returns it, just to be polite.
Their phone buzzed again at the same time that Fit is quickly darting his eyes from that trainee teacher, and they suddenly remember that he probably should just get going, before someone notices that he has been parking there for too long. He wouldn't appreciate a conversation right now, so they quickly grab their phone and he acts as if he was really busy checking something really really important on their phone.
He almost drops their phone when it vibrates again, holding it with his prosthetic hand while using their good one to mindlessly drumming his fingers against the wheel. The repetitive action mixed with the slight sound that it makes brings Fit a strange sense of comfort that they're not willing to acknowledge right now. He's not stimming, he's just… uhm. anxiously fidgeting. yeah.
Fit's tired hazel eyes move around the screen, not really paying attention to the phone, too busy with their brain being silly today. Sometimes he gets so lost in their own thoughts that it feels like his eyes are not working anymore, a dizzy feeling all over their body when he remembers that he should get the fuck out of there. But first, they decided to look through their unread messages, because why not. Etoiles and Ollie seemed to be okay, because there were no messages from them. But Phil, and the wrong number, seemed to have a lot to say.
Fit doesn't think for too long about how's gonna choose to read first. If Tubbo was here, he would probably call Fit gay. He wouldn't be wrong.
↳Wrong number↩
>My day is going good, thanks for asking :)
>who's your day going?
>hwo*
>how**
>I can't find my keys :((((
>I'm thinking about adopting a rat
>Look at this
>[video]
>Literally eu trying to explain something to you in english kkkkkkkk
>I found my keys!!!!
>Do you think I could live only drinking white monster
>My child has something important today
>And I'm excited but also terrified
>It's something new, and they don't do well with new things
>But hopefully this will be good for them
>And we can make it a new routine
>And maybe new friends?
>Oh god I talked too much again
>I'm so sorry
»It’s okay, don't worry. /g
»I just haven't been answering because I've been very busy with my child, but I understand your pain, believe me, I really do.
»And something tells me that your child will do just fine with whatever they have today :)
Phil would laugh so hard at them for that smiley face. But Fit thought that it would be nice, and hopefully the wrong number feels a bit better and reassured after reading Fit's try of friendly messages. Talking about Phil, the mentioned messaged Fit a while ago, saying that “he better be at home by the time he gets there or he's gonna take the door down and wait there for them either way.”
Fit chuckles, because he knows he's serious. And Phil literally has a copy of Fit's key, he just wants an excuse to get out all the repressed and boiling anger that he has.
They message him back, explaining that today is a hard day, and that he's at the parking lot right now and probably coming home soon.
He only hopes Phil's not using his wheelchair today, or he'll absolutely run over Fit as a revenge for not answering him when he seemed to be already concerned about them.
Fit looks at his side, intensely gazing at the school's door. He wishes kids weren't so mean. They also wish adults weren't so mean. Fit fears that Ramón would suffer the same destiny as most neurodivergent people sadly do; rejection, bullying, loneliness, insolation, and a long etcetera. But, both Ramón and Fit got lucky enough to find some amazing people that actually care for them, which is nice to think about, it makes Fit's heartbeat a little bit slower and steady, knowing that Ramón's safe there, with his friends.
He grabs air and lets out a groan while tightly gripping the wheel. They just need to breathe, and everything will be okay in the end. Hopefully. Please.
They turn on the car and start driving home.
When he opens the door, focused on the tingling sound of the keys, Fit hopes no one's inside already. That would be a little bit creepy. Fit's mind supplies an image of Phil sitting at their couch, dramatically turning around and turning the lights on when he hears them entering the house. He's welcomed by their dark apartment instead.
After a while, Fit gets a bunch of messages from Phil, who is trying to warn them about him arriving, so he doesn't have to use the doorbell or make Fit stress not knowing who's there.
Fit salutes Phil with a quick wave, and notices that the other is using his cane today. Even though he can hit them with that thing, at least he wouldn't run over him. Nice to know.
“Please don't go near me, I'm so fucking overstimulated that I wanna scream at someone and believe me you don't want to be that someone.” Fit quickly signs before Phil enters, and he just nods, understanding, as always.
“Still can't talk right now?” Phil asks while entering the apartment, and Fit just answers with an affirmative noise while closing the door and following his friend to the living room. “That's fine.”
Phil sits at the couch, cane leaning near him just in case he needs to go to the bathroom or something.
“I'm feeling better.” Fit starts, quickly signing while the other nods along. “And I actually think I could speak if I tried really hard to.” Phil makes a humming sound, so he continues. “But I prefer to wait until this afternoon, at The Nest. Are your kids coming, too?”
Fit already knows the answer, but they wanted to ask just to start some sort of conversation or whatever. He also noticed that Phil is fidgeting a lot with his long blond hair, so they silently move the fidget basket towards him, the basket makes a whining sound against the table but it's fine.
“Fuck yeah.” Phil grabs a stress ball and starts immediately to squeeze it, the ball makes a squeaking sound under Phil's long pointy black nails. “I can't wait, I need a bit of a break. I love my kids, but sometimes they're a handful.”
Fit nods, because he understands. They think for a few seconds about what the best answer would be, and starts to sign.
“Nothing wrong with admitting you need a rest from your kids.”
“I know.” Phil nods, looking down at the stress ball while he squeezes it. He suddenly looks up, at Fit's general direction. “Do you know it?” He narrows his blue piercing eyes while using an accusatory tone.
Fit lifts both his hands in a surrender emotion, hoping that the cane is far enough that Phil wouldn't think of using it as a weapon.
“I don't see you taking breaks from Ramón often.”
“He's a good kid.” Fit signs, and almost winces from how hard Phil's squeezing that poor stress ball.
“I didn't say otherwise.” After a brief silence, Phil continues, deciding not to press more. “How are you doing, by the way? I've been texting you but, you know.” Phil shrugs, making a vague gesture with his free hand and squeezing the stress ball with the other.
“Sorry, I'm just-” Fit sighs, how should he explain this awful feeling? “Exhausted.”
“Something I can do to help?”
Fit’s the one shrugging now, looking everywhere but at Phil's direction. The last mentioned narrows his eyes and scrunches his blond and almost nonexistent eyebrows, probably silently judging Fit while stimming with the stress ball.
"First of all, relax your face.” Fit signs a quick 'what' back at Phil's sudden words and then he continues. “It must hurt to be that tense all the time, so, you heard me mate, relax your face, and shoulders."
Fit awkwardly shifts in his seat, suddenly being hyper-aware of their own body, which is so fucking weird to think about, and he tries to relax it, as Phil said, and then that makes him notice that they were accidentally clenching almost all his body all day, and maybe that's why it suddenly hurts. The hurting has probably been there all day long, but they were so focused on other things that he didn't even notice it. It actually feels better now that he's not that tense anymore, his poor muscles ache at the tension that they had to go through, and Fit didn't even notice until now! That's weird, how did he not notice that?
“Feels better, doesn't it?” Phil speaks after a few seconds, and Fit suddenly remembers that he's not alone, so they nod. “Should I grab Ramón's communication cards?”
Fit shakes his head so quickly that Phil fears their hearing aids would fly away.
“I feel like I should grab them.”
“I don't like to touch Ramón's things.” Fit fastly signs, and then crosses his arms, trying to say that there's no more discussion with that topic.
“You don't want that, but you also don't want to buy yourself anything. Then, what?” Phil lifts one of his eyebrows, challenging looking at the other while hardly squeezing the stress ball. Fit starts to fear that it's gonna tear up from how hard Phil's using it.
Fit shrugs again, and the other sighs heavily.
“I don't need—”
Before Fit could end what he was signing, Phil throws the stress ball at them and he fastly catches it, looking with an offended expression at Phil while he just widely smiles at them.
“Shut.” Phil makes a gesture of touching his index finger with his thumb, a signal to say to Fit to keep quiet. “I don't even want to hear it.”
“You're not hearing, I'm literally signing.” Fit shoots back. “And your stress ball privileges are done, thank you so much.” He throws the fidget at the basket, and then slowly gets their gloves off, because it's always weird to touch a fidget while using gloves and Fit hates that feeling. It makes them wiggle his fingers a bit, trying to get off that weird sensation.
“That's a cute sticker.” Phil says while looking at the Groudon sticker that Ramón previously put on Fit's good hand. The mentioned just nods, it's pretty cool and cute, indeed. “You know I care about you, right?”
Fit awkwardly shifts in his seat, again. Ew, feelings. He nods nonetheless. Sometimes they feel really lucky to have Phil in their lives, and sometimes he hates how much Phil likes to talk things out to figure everything out.
Ew, an emotional intelligent adult.
“Right. Just in case you need a reminder, I care about you, I really do. And I hope you actually know that.”
Phil heavily sighs again, caressing his temples, and Fit suddenly feels like a shit. Phil's probably busy with his own life already, and he's here, trying to check on Fit, while they're just being difficult for no reason. Phil doesn't deserve that.
Fit's just… exhausted. But that's no one's problem, only Fit's.
“I'm sorry. I care about you, too.” They start signing, and when he stops, they gently caress the Pokemon sticker at his hand. “I'm just having a hard day, or maybe a hard week. Or just a hard year, really.”
“Maybe next year could be your year.” Phil offers as a joke, perfectly knowing that they're literally in the first weeks of January. Fit laughs, and looks while the other reaches and grabs a simple dimple from the basket. The quiet popping of the fidget it's actually soothing to Fit's ashamed brain.
“Maybe.”
“Okay, jokes aside. Something I can do to make you feel better?”
Fit knitted his brow in concentration, thinking really hard about how to formulate the words that were getting stuck in their brain. Nothing seems to be coming out of their mouth, which is nothing new, but his hands seem to be having some trouble, too. Fuck. Maybe those cards are not as bad as they initially thought. But Fit's not willing to see Phil's smooth smile and silent ‘I told you, mate’ right now.
But… maybe they could try to be a little bit more gentle with himself right now. They think really hard about what would feel nice right now. The answer comes so quickly, that it almost makes Fit feel ashamed. But he's trying to think that it's okay.
“Can you…?” Fit starts signing, and half sentence he stops, their hands trembling, and proceeds to continue. “Okay, no, it's stupid, don't mind me.”
Phil makes an exaggerated loud offended gasp, and Fit almost wants to laugh if it weren't because he was trying to be serious.
“I'm sure it's not stupid, mate.” Phil darts his eyes from Fit to the simple dimple that he was using, and the american is happy for that. “What do you need?”
“Would you mind sitting beside me instead of in front? sorry—” Fit stops, grabs some air, and then continues. “-and like, not looking at me while we talk?
“Of course, I got you, let me just-” Phil quickly accepts, reaching for his cane. He gets up, some of his joints pop and he groans, but he also walks towards Fit and sits besides them at the couch, as asked. The pleasant sound of the simple dimple is more near now, and that makes something in Fit's brain tingle. “Difference from you, I don't really have a spot where I need to sit or my brain starts to catch on fire.”
Fit chuckles at the sneaky remark, and then just sighs.
“Thank you.” They sign, slightly moving their hands to the side in case Phil couldn't see them really well now. “And, you can't get your brain to catch on fire if it's constantly on fire, by the way.”
Phil snorts.
“That's a good one. Is this good?” He adds, while slightly shifting in his seat, the cane now resting at the other side. Fit finds funny how Phil is gesticulating as if he was in fact in front of them.
“Perfect, thanks.”
“Look at you asking for something for once.” Phil says, with that stupid tone of voice that he uses when he's teasing.
Fit signs back at him a bunch of “shut up shut up shut up”, and the other just laughs even more loudly than before.
“Usually it is fine, but, today? I can't stand anything right now.”
“It's fine, I don't really mind, I was just teasing.”
“I want to feel better so I can take Ramón to the nest. I'm also thinking about being one of the parents who helps Bad today.”
Sometimes, when Bad's having too many kids at once, some parents from the friend group decide to help xem, being present at The Nest, being some sort of second adult in case Bad needs any kind of help. Extra hands are always appreciated and well received there, especially now that Richarlyson —and hopefully, Chunsik— are going to be there too.
Phil doesn't say anything for a while, just mindlessly using the fidget in his hands. But then, he has to open his know-it-all mouth.
“You shouldn't pressure yourself so much, you know.” Before Fit could protest, Phil continues. “Richarlyson is gonna live here, Ramón will see them often either way, even if you decide to rest, and take Ramón with me, so I can take care of him while you take care of yourself.”
Fit scoffs. The issue is that he already planned in their mind all this day, and he needs to follow it. And the plan was, is, to take Ramón to the nest himself and then help Bad out. They want to do that! And his stupid brain is not going to ruin it.
“I need to go. Ramón wants me to go.”
“Ramón wouldn't be mad if you took a break, you know.”
Fit groans again, and this time he hides their face behind his hands. His brain hurts, and everything hurts, really. But they want to go.
“I'm just, so exhausted.” Fit signs after a while,
“You were born in a world that is not made for you. It's normal to be exhausted.” Fit almost cries at Phil's words. “That's why I'm offering some help.” The incessant sound of the fidget toy is comforting in some way. “We could, I don't know, walk every day or something, before school, so you could just, have some time for yourself, and chat with someone that is not your son.”
“You are asking me to walk?” Fit signs with arching one of their eyebrows, and when they're done signing, he points at Phil's knees, and then at decorated cane, all full of stickers, that looked really loved.
Phil laughs, even though it's more of a bitter sound, he also throws his head back and bursts out laughing.
“Yeah, I am. You're being very rude right now, you know.”
“But sleep?” Fit signs, and the other is the one arching an eyebrow now, Fit could almost feel it judging him.
“We're literally two mentally ill, physically disabled and neurodivergent war veterans. Do you even know what sleep is? Because I surely don't.”
Fit snorts, and Phil chuckles, even when both of them know that it's the truth. A sad truth? yeah, but true nonetheless. The first mentioned ponders for a few seconds.
“I thought for a second about-”
Fit suddenly stops signing, and Phil makes a humming sound, acknowledging their words and waiting for him to continue. He seems a little tired of the fidget, turning it from side to side instead of popping it.
“About…?”
Fit feels ashamed to say it out loud.
Or, signing it. Thinking about it now, it feels a bit stupid. His cheeks feel like they're getting red from the shame of even thinking about it this morning. Phil's definitely going to hate what they're going to sign.
“I wished that Ramón had a dad.” And since it looked a little bit weird without context, Fit continued. “A different father, an actual good father who could take care of him and not just rot in bed. I wished that another person who was definitely not me adopted him for an instance.”
Phil makes a surprised gasp, as if all the air started to not get into his lungs, as if someone punched him right in the guts and let him breathless.
“That's actually so fucking unfair to you.” Phil quickly replied in a husky voice, almost like he was in any kind of hurry, almost as if he needed to throw out all the words that were getting stuck in his lungs, making it hard to breathe. “You're a good father, just because you're struggling doesn't mean you're not. It was just a thought right? You don't actually believe that shit, right, Fit?” He's using that voice of disbelief that he accidentally makes when he hears something that Phil considers is just, pure bullshit. That makes Fit slightly smile, this man and his bluntness always fascinates them.
“Dunno.” Fit shrugs, feels his guts twist and turn again. They also feel some sensation of déjà vu, it seems like he always ended up venting to Phil, in this exact same couch, over and over again.
“Remember when we were kids—” Phil starts.
“Yes.” Fit tries to interrupt him, slightly moving to sign more near him in a hope that it will convince him to stop. It doesn't.
“And you thought you wanted to—”
“Yes.”
Phil narrows his eyes, but says nothing, and just continues as if Fit wasn't trying to interrupt him, even though it was a bit complicated to muffle a voice with some signing.
“But you actually wanted the pain to end, not your life.”
“Yeah, I remember. I'm pretty sure I was there.” Fit tries to half joke, briefly looking at the other, but Phil didn't seem like he wanted to joke right now, so Fit just locks their eyes in the floor again.
“...you see where I'm going here?”
“But that's different.”
“How so?” Phil narrows his eyes, and they’re almost gone from how small they are.
“I realized that I didn't want to die, not yet, not when I had not yet lived.”
Fit slightly moves in his seat, uncomfortable, thinking about all those kids that are lost, just like him. They think about all those poor children in bad families, and wish for an instance that he could adopt all of them, contrary to what he thought this morning, of finding another person to take care of Ramón instead of them.
Everyone talks about those children who end up in hospital, in foster care, in the streets, or under ground. But what about all those children, who are doomed to be trapped in a house with their abusive parents forever because nothing "too serious" happened so no one cares and they can't escape? What about those kids? Fit shivers just thinking about it. He was that kid. They wish he could actually change this awful world. Why does he have to have such a strong sense of justice when the world is so painfully fucked up? It's not fair.
Fit hums, not really knowing what to do now with all these suffocating thoughts. What if Ramón ends up having bad mental health because of Fit? What if Ramón never forgives Fit for it? What if he hates them?
There's a wrong feeling inside of them, like some sort of static or whatever. He makes a fist, and starts to tap with it against their own thigh in a mindless but steady rhythm, while he lets all those thoughts consume them. Since he's thinking really hard, and not really paying attention to their own body, he accidently hits a little too hard.
"Careful." Phil says with a soft voice, after a while of pure silence where Phil was probably pondering what to say next, and Fit was just trying to process all this conversation while navigating his own suffocating thoughts. "You're hitting yourself kind of hard, mate."
Fit nods and then clasp both his hands together and puts them above their lap. He glances at Phil, who's looking at them with a sad expression now. He wasn't probably telling them to fully stop, but Fit just shrugs, not really caring at all. Phil hums, and then shoved the simple dimple against their hands. Fit just looks at it, completely still.
“Am I a bad person?” Fit signs after a while, putting both his hands at their lap again when finished.
“What? No!” Phil is fast to answer, probably knowing that Fit has been overthinking all this time they were not paying attention to him. “You're not, you're just a person.” He says softly and less rushed this time, grabs the simple dimple again, and tries to open Fit's hand to put it there. “You’re just a hurt person grieving for the life that you could have had if only you knew sooner that you're autistic.” Fit groans, and Phil adds. “There's nothing wrong with that. And you had the bad luck of having a bad family too, and a way too hard life, too. And you were just a kid. A neurodivergent, lost, kid.”
“There's definitely something wrong with me.” Fit quickly sings, and then shoves back the simple dimple into Phil's hands, who cringes at his friend's —signed— words, and looks up at them with the saddest expression ever, and then darts his piercing blue eyes into the fidget that lays at his hands now. “I just don't understand why no one-”
They don't finish the sentence, because there's no need to. Phil nods, understanding perfectly what he was referring to without having to hear the end of it.
Why did no one notice? Why did no one say anything if they did notice? No doctors? Teachers? Anyone? Why no one?
“There's nothing wrong with being angry at all the adults in your life that failed you. They were adults, you were a child.” Phil says more of a fact, leaving no room for argument. Fit's just too tired to keep hearing this, he quickly looks at the time, trying to make a mental plan for today. It has to be perfect, for Ramón.
“Phil, please.” The mentioned makes the saddest expression ever again, already knowing that the other is going to ask for this conversation to end. “I already told you it's not a good day. It's been an awful week, and I can't wait for this year to end already.”
Phil laughs, even though there's no humor behind it. It's funny that both of them want this year to end already, and they're still in January.
“I'm sorry. I wish I could do something.”
“You can't, but I appreciate you being here.”
After Fit's statement, Phil offers to put on some music, dim the lights and try to be quiet so the first mentioned could actually rest before going to The Nest today. Phil comments, in a really low tone of voice, that he can't be there today, but Missa’s probably going to pick up the kids, which is fine with Fit too. Kristin’s probably busy with work, or showing Mine around, or whatever.
Their phone buzzes non-stop. The group chat of parents is exploding, or at least that’s what Phil explains while Fit just nods. Some parents were asking about Richarlyson's needs and some others asking about the time that they'll have to go pick up the kids today. It seems like everyone seems pretty ready and excited.
"Your nervous system doesn't care if you 'don't have time to rest' or whatever, mate. It will shut down for you." Phil says as a final statement before going to his house, and Fit sighs, nodding along, a bit mocking-like. Phil tries to hit them with his cane, but Fit is fast to dodge it, knowing Phil's movements by heart.
Fit grabs an exaggerated amount of air, holds it, and then slowly releases it, with his eyes closed the whole time. When they opened them, and looked down at Ramón, the child was looking up at his dad, his big bushy eyebrows —like Fit's— were wiggling, as if Ramón was trying to make a worried expression but was failing miserably a bunch of times. Ramón squeezes the hand of his father that he's holding, and Fit squeezes back, making a reassuring smile down at the kid, who seems a little more relaxed after that.
They're at the decorated door of The Nest, both of them could hear some noise inside, there's probably a bunch of kids and parents already there. The good thing is that they're all Fit's and Ramón's friends, which should make the situation a little bit easier, but it's a hard day nonetheless. Ramón seems pretty anxious too, and seeing his father like that is probably not helping, so Fit tries to suck it up and enter in father-mode.
“Remember, Ramón.” Fit crouches down, so the kid doesn't have to look up, so he can hear his father better. Fit's throat hurts a bit from the sudden words being spoken, but they're also glad that their voice is back. “Emotions exist to feel, not to hide. If you're feeling bad, or weird, or you don't know how you feel, just tell me, okay?” Ramón furiously nods. “We'll figure it out, I got you, don't worry my boy. Now, go have lots of fun!”
The child makes a squeaky noise that Fit assumes is a happy one, and the adult quickly gets up just to open the door and let the child sprint inside.
The place seemed pretty cozy and lovely as always, with an absolutely nice warm temperature. A lot of very comfortable looking chairs are everywhere, some that seem for the children and some for adults, all of them are painted in vibrant colors using rainbow themed colors, probably thinking about anyone getting tired or anyone with a disability that needs to sit a lot, like Phil. Fit's pretty glad to have those, he needs to sit sometimes when they get too overwhelmed, so it is nice to see them close. Fit noticed Sunny, with her pink crown at their head, sat on a chair painted with a bright pink color. She was silently playing with their brown cat plushie, probably waiting until Bad announced that they're starting, with whatever they're going to do today.
Fit felt so shitty today that he even forgot to ask Bad what were they planned for today, but they try not to think about that right now, and shift their eyes around the room again.
The doors are always closed in case any of the kids elope, but if anyone requests to open them for any reason, —like Sunny, who likes to open them to feel better about her agoraphobia,— Bad’s totally willing to keep them widely or slightly open for the children who need to see them like that, so they feel more comfortable.
Today though, all of them are closed, and Fit is requested to close the one he used to enter today, probably because of the new child, Richarlyson, who has in fact a long history of running away, or at least that was what was commented in the parents group.
A lot of calendars and clocks that make no sound are all over the place too, probably to help the kids with time management issues and to cope with the problems when changing from one activity to another. A light music was playing on repeat too, probably to help the kids who liked to listen to repetitive sounds or just soft music while doing another task.
There are a bunch of drawings everywhere, most of them seem pretty repetitive, probably from special interests. There are a bunch of flags, too, some of them were from different countries, and some were LGBTQ+ pride flags, even the ones who weren't as famous, like the sapphic, genderqueer, unlabeled, or the aro-ace.
The lights of this place are always very dim, minding the poor eyes of all the neurodivergent children that use this room, and the small one. They were a bunch of fiber optic lamps and fish bubble tube lamps on, and Leonardo with his purple shark plushie was near one of the big tubes, always hypnotized by how nice they are, and probably really liking the fish —even if they're plastic ones— since their dad Foolish works at the aquarium, and talking about gold, he's also besides Lea, pointing at some of the fish. Alexandre was near them both, as always, swinging his tail while also looking at the fish or the bubbles, tongue out and pupils dilated, reacting each time Foolish points to another —fake— fish. It seems like Fit wouldn't be the only adult here today.
A lot of stones to step all of different textures and textured sensory floor mats were all over the floor, some bounce boards, and a lot of sensory lava floor tiles, something that Ramón loves and is willing to step on each time he walks near them. There are also some blankets themed with the special interest of the kids all over them, like Pokemon or Minecraft. They look very floof, and Fit can guess that they're the most amazing texture ever. Contrary to the soft texture of the blankets, there are also crash pads, and if you needed one and couldn't find it for whatever reason, you could just ask or search for Chayanne, that child is always using them, like right now. Lullah would probably be near Chayanne, reading her botanic encyclopedia gifted by Kristin.
It actually looked more like a sensory room instead of a school room, which Fit is very grateful for. There's even a raindrop swing, that Bad uses to help the children regulate if someone gets too overwhelmed. There's also a second room, a smaller one but as cozy as this one, which is sound-prouf, in case the child needs to not hear anything and just exist for a while. There are different boxes with different labels, some said: “picky pads”, “chew necklaces”, “puzzles”, “sunglasses”, “noise canceling headphones”, “teethers”, “pop-its”, “AAC devices”, “communication cards”, and “weighted blankets”, even though they were some placed around the room already, and a long etcetera of more boxes with some valuable resources that always impresses Fit, even when he has already been here a bunch of times.
Two bigger boxes were neatly separated, one said “noisy fidget toys”, and the other said “silent fidget toys”. Fit smiles, it's funny that there's even more fidgets, as if the ones all around the room, inside boxes and baskets weren't enough.
There's never enough fidgets, Fit vaguely figures. Not when all of the children that hanged out here were neurodivergent in one way or another.
The kids would have to just point at what they want, and Bad —or another adult— would grab it for them. In case the child couldn't read or had any kind of reading disability, —like Pepito, Lea, or Sunny with their dyslexia—, the boxes were transparent so you could easily see what's inside them, so you can easily request for something using a AAC device or whatever you want to use, instead of pointing at it.
There were a bunch of big signs above everything that said “wash before and after using”, “wash your hands”, “drink water” and things like that, small reminders to all these children who often forget to take care of themselves when they get too focused on something. Fit’s guilty too.
Under the “drink water” sign, there was a small refrigerator, with some pictures of water bottles and the snacks inside it hanging on the refrigerator door, so the children could choose them before opening it. After the session ends, the children can ask Bad for the snacks that they want and Bad will buy they for the next time.
And then, there was a big box that said “First aid kit” with big red letters so you could see it, with small boxes inside of it that read “hand sanitizer”, “latex free gloves”, “sting relief”, “sterile alcohol pads”, “antibiotic ointment”, “bandages”, “inhalers”, “adrenaline injectors” —that last one was probably for severe allergic reactions, even though Bad is always really careful with that, but just in case—, and another small refrigerator, probably full of ice, since the other one is where the snacks and drinks were.
Bad is ready for anything, you can tell that xe wants to make the children know that they're welcome here.
You can also tell this room was made by an autistic person. Fit laughs at his own thoughts, looking at Bad, who greets both of them with the widest smile ever, and crouches down just to high-five Ramón, and then, xe gives them the same labels as always, so both father and son can write down their pronouns, boundaries, or whatever they want to write on those, and then put them at their clothes, in a visible spot.
Dapper is following Bad around, with their blue lobster plushie and a sensory slug that they're shaking, and Pomme is trailing behind the two of them, hugging tightly her star shaped plushie, and shaking her own sensory slug, the one that she matches with Dapper. Fit smiles at the cute interaction, while writing down a quick “he/they” at their own label and placing it near his chest, at a side. He's always a bit nervous about displaying their pronouns like that, but he tries to think that this is a safe place.
Fit looks at Ramón; the child is swinging from side to side, while sticking his tongue out trying to think about what to write down. He already made a quick label with his name —’Rrrramón’, because he likes when Bad exaggerates with all the ‘R’ in his name,— and a “he/him” near that. Then, he seems to think of something and quickly scribbles down “I'm with idiot” and adds an arrow at the end of it. Fit doesn't need to think too much to know that Dapper's gonna add to their own labels “I'm idiot” or something.
The door suddenly opens, so Fit turns around to see who's there, and when some white cat ears are under their sight, he knows that it's probably Niki. The mentioned enters the room and salutes both Fit and Ramón, with a sleepy Empanada at her arms. It's fine, the group is not starting yet, almost everyone is here just because they want to come earlier sometimes. Fit smiles and waves back at them. Niki, besides from their bakery, also has a podcast, —one where rain talks about mental health stuff—, so Fit's always happy to see her as a fellow podcast friend, and an excellent mother, too. Rain seems to be whispering something to a still sleepy Empanada, who is rubbing at their eyes and nuzzling more against Niki's shoulder.
After a while, in the same exact moment that the group is supposed to start, someone knocks at the door, and Fit turns around again, a little bit startled but trying not to show it while curiously looking to see the new members are here already.
Fit smiles when a child quickly runs inside, and who seems to be their parent is just quietly closing the door behind them while entering the room. Who Fit assumes is Richarlyson, looks all around the place with big eyes that are mostly covered by their afro hair, and sprints again to hardly crash against one of the crash pads. Something sounds weird and Fit fastly gets concerned, but Richarlyson quickly gets up while giggling and proceeds to tackle it again, so Fit lets himself relax.
The parent seems a bit lost, looking around without moving much. Fit looks for Foolish, who is messing with Dapper, and then at Niki and Bad, who seem to be talking about something important, so Fit tries so hard to be brave, grabs air and gets up from where he was reading a biology book with Ramón, and not so steadily walks towards the parent, knowing that they should at least explain a bit to them about how this works. Bad probably was too busy to remember to do that, or they probably didn't know that Richarlyson's parent would come too.
“Uh, hello.” Fit blurts out, not knowing where to start, looking at the other person's general direction, but not at their eyes. “I’m Fit, nice to meet you.”
Richarlyson's parent widely smiles, their pure black eyes seem to wrinkle a bit with the smile, which means they're being sincere, and Fit unconsciously relaxes at that.
“Felps.” They say, with the same wide smile, and, Fit vaguely remembers reading that name when the new people were added to the chat. “Nice to meet you, too.” Fit nods, noticing a slight accent when talking, they're probably from the same place as Bagi, which makes sense now that Fit thinks about it.
There's a bit of an awkward silence, with the sound of some giggling and shouts from the children all around the room. Fit looks at Felps; they have such pretty curly black long hair, mixed with long nails that were black and pink too, a short pink shirt with a weird symbol that looked like a face and a square on it, and a pretty black skirt with a lot of bracelets that made a tingling sound each time they moved. Fit can absolutely guess what their favorite colors are, and he smiles at their own thoughts. Then, he remembers that they should be explaining something.
“Oh sorry, forget to mention, you have a bunch of stickers here-” He starts, pointing at the objects while talking. “You can write down your name, pronouns and whatever you want in those, and then have them stick to your shirt, so everyone can see them.” Fit waits for an answer or something, and when they don't get anything, he quickly adds. “Only if you want, of course. No pressure. But just so you know, most of us do that, so, if you're unsure of someone's pronouns, just look at the labels.” They point at their own pronouns as an example.
Felps nods, and Fit feels a huge relief when they walk towards there, grab a piece of the sticky paper, and start writing on it. Fit slowly walks towards there too, a bit curious about what they're going to write, noticing some of their tattoos. Those are pretty cool looking.
Niki approaches, without Empanada this time. Fit smiles at her, with a quick wave of their hand too, and Niki imitates them. Fit notices rains labels, those read “Niki” with some cat ears, paws and a tail drawn around the name, and their pronouns. “she/they/rain”. Rain also has a smaller one that could be read “ADHD and dyslexia gang”.
“I'm anxious and I don't even know why.” She says, and Fit nods, he's actually pretty anxious too, but they don't know if he would be able to say it out loud like Niki. “Hello over there, by the way.” Rain adds while playfully putting their hand down at Felps’ label so they couldn't continue writing.
Fit is pretty confused and a bit scared right now. Wouldn't that make Felps mad? Do they even know each other already? Fit knows that some of the parents already hang out with some of Fit's friends to try to befriend them, but Niki and Felps?
“Boss! It's you!” Felps say with an exaggerated and playfully thick accent and looking up at them while widely smiling. Fit notices then that Felps has also a thick eyeliner that makes their already black eyes look even cooler.
But boss? What the hell?
Niki laughs, probably at Fit's flabbergasted face, and then calmly explains.
“As you know, I own a bakery, Strawberry Bakery.” They start to explain while playing with their own long split dyed hair. And Fit nods, of course he knows, Niki called that bakery like that because strawberries are Empanada's favorite fruit, they remember. He also notices that Niki has a new color of hair again, they should probably comment on that. “And since Felps needed a new job, I offered a place to void so now we're both working there!”
Fit nods, understanding now, and taking notes of the pronouns used.
"Your hair looks so pretty by the way." Fit comments, Niki dyed her hair black and pink, instead of just pink this time. They think that Felps had probably helped, since the mentioned grins.
"Thank you!" Rain is quick to answer back, jumping up and down a bit, excited because someone noticed already. "It was just an impulse, but you know. Felps helped with the colors! Ze recommended the best dye brand ever!”
Felps doesn't add anything, apparently wanting to finish with the labels already, and Fit wonders what's taking so long to write. Then they remember that it's not his business so he turns around to search for Ramón, who is excitedly signing something towards Chayanne. Fit hopes they're not plotting to set this place on fire or something. Fit then remembers that he should probably explain a bit to Felps about the kids. Or should their own parents explain that? Or maybe Bad? Fit's too confused today and too tired to think, so he chooses to just talk about his own kid.
“Uhm, Felps?” They start, and the other hums while finally grabbing their label and proudly looking at it. “Ramón over there is my child, I'm sure he'll love to meet you, and Richarlyson of course.”
Fit smiles while pointing at his own kid. And then, they remember something. Wasn't Richarlyson Bagi's and Tina's child? Would it be rude to ask? Definitely.
He decides to lean near Niki instead, and starts whispering to them, even though their own tone of voice doesn't seem the best to low it, Felps seems to pay no mind.
“Wait, wasn't Richarlyson Bagi’s and Tina's kid?”
“Yeah, they are?” Niki seems a bit confused as she answers back in a whisper, their eyebrows were knitted together and rains eyebrow piercings were glowing with this lighting. “Richas has a bunch of parents, you didn't know already?”
“No, I didn't.” Fit hurriedly whispers back while looking at Felps, who seems to be drawing something in another label. “...as in polyamory?” He vaguely thinks of Phil and his platonic marriage.
“No, no. Just a bunch of friends taking care of a kid, just like our friend group.” Niki calmly explains, glancing at Felps from time to time, who seems drawing a… square now.
“Oh yeah. It takes a village to raise a kid, and all of that?” Fit says, and even though it sounded more like a question than a statement, Niki nodded nonetheless while shrugging and fidgeting with her long hair again.
“I want to pet that doggy but he's working.” Felps suddenly says, and that makes Fit remember that they were in fact supposed to be supervising the children to help Bad, he turns around to drift their gaze through the room, and notices Alexandre walking in circles around Leonardo, almost like trying to make the others know that he probably needs a bit of space right now.
These children were not the best at understand what personal space meant, so Fit doesn't blame Leonarda at all. But yeah, Alexandre is pretty cute, they get it.
"I get cuteness aggression every time I see Alexandre, but I don't want to bother him in case he's working too." He accidentally says out loud, instead of thinking it, and Felps and Niki laugh, so Fit blushes, slightly embarrassed of their stupid mouth suddenly wanting to speak a lot.
Before Fit could over-explain himself trying to dismiss what he said, Bad waves both xeir arms, since no one wants to flick the lights as they do to take the attention of the children, because that could distress the ones with light sensitivities or even trigger Leo's epilepsy, so Bad just goes to the center of the room, and the kids follow them until sitting at the chairs, —and most of them sit at the floor—, while looking up at Bad.
Fit silently looks at Richarlyson, who seems a bit confused but follows the kids nonetheless, and then sits at the floor, near Ramón, who has a big crocodile weighted plushie in his lap. Fit smiles, happy to see that Richarlyson doesn't seem overwhelmed by the new place and people, and that Bad actually cares to know what the children are interested in and bought it. There were no crocodile things until Ramón wanted to go there too.
Now, even a sensory wall with the shape of a crocodile —that Ramón absolutely adores— could be seen in the room. It's nice.
“Good afternoon kids!” Bad starts, and the mentioned children start cheering, Fit suppresses a flinching emotion and covering their ears at that. Not now! “And parents, of course. I'm Badboyhalo, but you can call me just Bad. My pronouns are xe/them!” Dapper and Pomme loudly cheer at that, while Bad is grabbing their own labels that are plastered at xeir shirt, and starts rambling about the system that they do of writing down what you want others to know about you so you don't have to say it out loud, or sign it.
Fit honestly disconnects from Bad's voice, already knowing most of this. He remembers, the first time that he wanted to help Bad with The Nest, how anxious he felt about displaying their own pronouns, just like now, but at least is not such a heartbreaking feeling like it was before, it feels better now, and that makes Fit think, that maybe with time, they could start to feel comfortable in their own body again.
“Today, our lovely assistants would be Niki—” Fit starts to pay attention again, when she was mentioned. Empanada loudly cheers this time, and they would find it cute if it weren't for the fact that he felt like they were dying. “Fit, and Foolish!” Some of the children make the silent applause, with their hands raised, while Foolish loudly protest about something under the lines of ‘why am I always the last one mentioned?!’ and Bad just dismisses it with a gesture with xeir hand, but also giggling and sticking out their tongue out at Foolish.
So, Niki, Foolish and him. And Bad, of course. Felps' out of the equation since Bad probably wants to give them some more time to get used to this before having to take care of so many unknown kids at the same time. Talking about them, Fit glances at Felps' who's just standing near Niki, they seem to be really paying attention to whatever Bad's saying, and before Fit started looking at their labels, he then notices that he should probably pay attention too, even when their brain is starting to ask for help already and suddenly they can feel their own clothes and they are starting to feel itchy and—
“Here we have two boxes!” Bad continued a little bit more loudly, and Fit looked at them, muffling that voice in their head that was screaming at him to run away and hide. Xe has two big boxes near them, and points at each one of them while talking. “One of them, as you can see, is full of fidget toys that anyone can use, just remember to return them later, please!”
Fit thinks of one of the first times that Ramón grabbed one of those boxes and tossed it near Fit, probably thinking that he doesn't use fidgets often because they're indecisive or something. Ramón just sadly looked at it, while his father made what he hoped was a sincere smile, but judging by Ramón's —almost— neutral expression, he could tell that the child didn't understand properly. Then, Fit smiled, that time a real one, and started rummaging around the box, trying to find a fidget to make Ramón happy. The mentioned child started to clap while swinging from side to side, and Fit knew that he made the correct choice. Bad was also near them, with a slight smile at their face and acting like xe wasn't looking at them at all.
It wasn't that bad at the end of the day, he chose a pop-it that had the shape of a turtle, while his kid had a fidget spinner or something, both of them were silently stimming with the fidgets, in the company of the other.
Ramón asked for Fit to be there more often.
“You can use any of the boxes all around the room, each one of them has labels and is transparent so you can see what's inside and what you want!” Fit's melancholic thoughts were broken by Bad's explanation again. “We also have sanitary wipes and a lot of cleaning products in case someone is wondering.” Bad says while pointing with their head at the mentioned boxes. “The second box is full of material that could be useful in case you don't have your own, some are art things and crafts like markers, pencils and all of that, while the other stuff is more like a bunch of communication cards, noise canceling headphones, chew necklaces, etcetera.” Xe says while grabbing one of the stress balls with the inside being full of glitter and squeezing it. “I'm also autistic, so I get it. Whatever you need, you can ask me, another trusted adult, or just one of your classmates here, write it down, or sign it, just communicate as you will! Feel free to accommodate yourselves or help someone else to raise their voice!”
Fit looks at the kids, being surprised as always since all of them are paying close attention to Bad. You can tell that they care about Bad a lot, since most of the time it is hard for these children to quietly sit at the same spot and listen without interrupting. Richarlyson seems to be the only one struggling, pacing around their chair. If Pepito was here, he would probably have interrupted Bad already with his AAC device to say something witty, which makes Fit slightly smile. He also cares about these kids a lot, just like Bad.
Most of them don't need this introduction already, but Fit knows that Bad's thinking of Richarlyson without overwhelming them by being the spotlight of the day. Xe's probably thinking of Felps' too, even though Fit's sure they already spoke to each other before coming here. Maybe.
When the introduction seems to be over, Lullah raises her tiny hand, and Bad fastly looks at them, patiently waiting. She signs something, and Bad nods along. Xe quicky signs something back- Fit's feeling too bad to really focus right now.
“Lullah just asked the best question ever! They're wondering what we are going to do today.” Bad makes a pause, trying to be dramatic. “...soo! We're going to decorate some cookies! They shouldn't take long in the oven by now.”
Some of the children cheer even more loudly, and others seem a little bit confused by that. Fit shivers, the noise is starting to get too much, and he slowly heads back trying to be discreet. Felps' throws a glance at them, so they're probably not being as discreet as he thought.
“We just have to wait approximately five minutes and we can start with the frosting. I thought that since most of us are queer here, we could make themed cookies around that, but you're free to make whatever you want!” Fit thinks of something that Bad could have wanted to say, but did not. They're doing this today, so Richas doesn't feel alone. So Richas knows that they are in fact more queer people around, and that they care, because they all know the loneliness that comes with being queer.
Pomme runs towards Dapper and starts jumping up and down beside them, probably already planning what to do together. Now that Fit notices Dapper near them, he notices that they wrote on their label “Guess I'm idiot :v” instead of the version that Fit thought of, matching with Ramón. These children and their shenanigans.
Bad seems to be saying something more, so Fit tries to concentrate on xem again. It's starting to get too difficult. Hopefully he'll feel a bit better when the children would be too concentrated in their frosting-cookies task to notice Fit being weird today.
“You can do whatever you want, as long as it's not inappropriate.” Bad continues. “The cookies are vegan and gluten free! so yeah, everyone can eat today.”
Makes sense, Fit vaguely thinks, since Niki is vegan and Bad is celiac. It's kinda cute how xe tries to include literally everyone.
Fit darts their eyes around the room; Ramón was quietly sitting near a wall, a weighted plushie on his lap and Techno in his arm, he seemed to be reading again. Niki was happily chatting with Felps, she was fidgeting with their own split dyed hair again, while Felps was nodding along to whatever rain was saying and using a stress ball that seemed to be full of orbeez. As he mentioned before, Pomme and Dapper were excitedly signing to each other while also shaking their sensory slugs that they used to match, bouncing on the spot from excitement. Now that Bad was quiet, they were chatting about something with Foolish, and from Foolish's expression and the fact that he was exaggeratedly moving golds arms in an exasperated movement, Fit could tell that Bad was definitely teasing Foolish again. Leo and Alexandre are near to them, laughing at whatever both of them are saying. Chayanne is signing something to Richarlyson, and by both of their expressions, is nothing good. Both children suddenly nod and then both of them are jumping at the same time to a huge crash pad. Fit winces, hearing that weird metal sound again, what was that?
Lullah is quietly sitting near them, anxiously touching her own hearing aids while looking at whatever Sunny's signing to both Empanada and her.
Pepito is not here today, probably still recovering from his meltdown, yesterday he looked pretty tired so Fit is not surprised at all. He only hopes that the child is doing good, same with Chunsik. Ramón always talks about how badly he wants to take Chunsik to The Nest again, someday. Hopefully soon.
Now that everyone seems distracted, Fit almost wants to flap his hands to try to shake off the weird feeling, but he's a coward and can't do it. They briefly think about running towards the bathroom, —not running, no, walking as casually as possible, not running—, or towards the silent room. But he'll be too ashamed to face Bad after that.
“Can we put sprinkles on them?” Fit's panic is muffled by the robotic sound of an AAC device being used by Lullah, who is flapping one of their hands while the other was used to grab the mentioned device.
Empanada seems to be trying to hide behind her and Sunny, almost ashamed. It was probably her question, but they were too shy to make it sound out loud and make everyone look at them.
“Of course, Lullaby!” Bad nods while grinning, using the nickname that xe knows Lullah loves, and the mentioned childs nods too, probably content with the answering since they just let the AAD device rest near them at the floor.
Fit sighs, trying to calm down. After a while of taking care of the children while Bad went to another room, probably where the oven was, they came back with a sheet of freshly cooked cookies, they were even releasing some smoke from how hot they were yet. Bad goes out again, and comes back with another sheet. Xe probably made a lot of them, which was a good idea in case some were dropped, or got broken or whatever. Kids having food on their hands, nothing more has to be explained.
Fit gets handed some aprons to cook, some were really tiny since he was supposed to give rhem to some of the children, and some were a little bigger in case he or anyone of the helpers from today wanted to wear it. They decided to wear one that had the drawing of a cartoon-ish crocodile for Ramón, even when he's not really sure of decorating a cookie himself.
They go near Foolish, who was already wearing a cooking apron that had what looked to be a totem, from that game that all their children were obsessed with called Minecraft, surrounded by a bunch of sharks. Fit finds it weird, not because of the design, but because of the fact that it seemed really personalized to Foolish. Gold's probably has been around here a lot of times, if he even has his own apron. Bad was wearing a bright pink cooking apron that had a huge Barbie logo in the middle, and some kitchen gloves that looked a big too big for them, that were bright pink too.
"I’m stressed—" Bad starts, while looking at the kids, but gets interrupted by Foolish.
"That's kinda your thing."
"—because I really want the kids to enjoy today. I want them to know that meeting new people is okay and that here they'll have a safe space forever." Bad continued, completely ignoring Foolish, who just giggles.
“It seems like they are having a great time.” Fit intervenes in the conversation, vaguely gesturing to the kids who were already making a huge mess all over the place with the different frosting options and all of that. “And I'm sure all our children know how much you love them and care about them. Just, look at them being unapologetically themselves here. It's an amusing view, and it's thanks to you.”
Bad says nothing, but just widely grins and nods. Fit's happy with that reaction, and he's glad that their own voice definitely came back after all this wild day. He gets near Niki and Felps this time, they were both helping Sunny and Pomme, but Pomme seemed a bit uncomfortable near Niki, since they're really feminine presenting and Pomme had a bad time with her foster mom's, so she's just leaning against Felps, while void helps her.
Niki doesn't take it bad, because she understands better than anyone how tricky your own brain can be.
Fit briefly looks at Niki's scars, and thinks of how strong they are. Fit whishes he could be confident enough to get those stupid gloves and long sleeve shirt off too, because this place is starting to be too hot for their liking too. But he's a coward. Resigned, he turns around, looking for any child who needs their help.
Fit looks around, and finds Ramón, all stained in blue, and he approaches, curious about what he's drawing so focused that he didn't even notice his dad near him. He seems to be drawing what it looks like a Totodile, —the blue crocodile Pokemon—, and he seems really proud of how it's turning out by his expression and wide grin. Fit smiles too, loving when his child is so passionate about anything, really.
Dapper seems pretty content drawing the agender flag over one of the big cookies. Chayanne is near them, drawing a trans flag while bouncing on his spot, probably excited. Fit admires how the cookie is being perfectly frosted even when Chayanne literally doesn't stop moving around, but he really likes to cook any kind of food, so he's probably used to frosting by now.
Lullah is at his side, because of course they are, while calmly drawing the disability flag with the different colors of frosting that Bad has.
Fit briefly notices Richarlyson staring at Lullah’s flag, and wonders what the kid is thinking about. Do they not know what it means and its too shy to ask? Or do they know what it means?
He drafts their eyes around the table they're using, one of the cookies that Leo is trying to frost is just... full white with some black dots. The mentioned child, who notices Fit's staring for too long, trying to decipher what Lea’s trying to draw, points at the cookie and furiously sign.
"I'm making Cucurucho for papa!"
Fit nods, smiling down at the child, not understanding how that white blob is supposed to be an axolotl, but it is better not to ask when a child is so excited, and just encourage them. Alexandre moves his tail while looking at Leo, who drew the gender-fluid flag before starting with this one. It's fine, the child can frost as many cookies as they want, that's why Bad baked a bunch of them. Fit's surprised that xe didn't bake a muffin or something.
Foolish seems too focused into drawing something that looks like a… capybara? probably? And the omnisexual and agender flags in other cookies that gold frosted already. And also the flag from Mexico for some reason. Is Foolish mexican?
Bad is just making the drawing of a fuck- fudging muffing inside the cookie, great. Besides from xem, they are the asexual, aromantic and agender flags, probably already frosted by them.
Dapper seems to be making an aro-ace flag now, while Sunny's making a lesbian flag, and Pomme points a thumbs up at both of them, while drawing her own lesbian flag, too.
Empanada seems to be happy stimming a lot since Bad took out the cookies, probably because baking is one of Empanada's special interests. She seems to be making the asexual flag, but with more pastel colors. They have her plushie in a frying pan near her and seems to be really enjoying this activity, which is pretty cute to see.
Fit thought that the children would prefer to make something related to their special interest, but it seems like most of them wanted to make queer flags. That's actually really refreshing, to know that all of them aren't scared to accept that different types of identities and love exist and that there's nothing wrong with that.
“They're so cute, aren't they?” Niki's sudden voice slightly startles Fit, and the first mentioned was going to apologize when the other quickly said that it's fine. He tries to relax their shoulders when noticing that it was in fact, just Niki.
"Yeah, so cute. I'd give my life for them.”
Niki smiles, and then nods, while looking at the children again. Fit, trying to be sneaky, glances at Niki's cookies, rain is making the aromantic and pansexual flags. They quickly grab her own kitty ears, before they fall from rains head, since she looked down at Empanada to see what the child was drawing with the frosting.
Felps is near both of them, drawing a bunch of flags already, it seems to be having a great time frosting, ze was all stained with different colors and already made the aro-ace, agender and polyamorous flags. He also seems to be trying to make the cookies square shaped instead of round shaped, and Fit decides to ignore that and look around again, thinking about what to make himself.
He could just make some of their own pride flags, but he's still coming to terms with his own queer identity, so not that idea. They could just draw random queer flags, but he's not feeling like it, and they're definitely not going to draw any disabled related, not today. Would it be weird to draw some war-related flags while being surrounded by a bunch of children? probably.
And then, he gets the best idea ever, modesty aside. Fit really wants all the children to know that they all care for them, so he quicky grabs some red, blue and black frosting and a cookie, and they draw a spider, just like the one that Spiderman has in his suit. He's pretty proud of it when they're done, and he even managed to not get dirty even with all the frost that he used, so they feel great.
Then, he carefully moves aside that one, and grabs another plane cookie. Trying to focus as much as they can right now, trying to ignore the weird feeling of using frosting while wearing gloves and hoping to not get dirty, he draws a small duck with blue and red details all over it, surrounded by bees.
When they feel accomplished by their drawings, he cleans the mess that they made, and then takes two pictures and nods to himself, trying to remember to send both pictures to the parents group later, so Pepito and Chunsik know that everyone is thinking about them even when they're not around.
Bad playfully nudges at their side with xeir elbow, and Fit looks at them without understanding. Bad gestures at the cookies, and then widely smiles at them.
“Are those for Pepito and Chunsik?” Xe ask, shifting their eyes between the decorated cookies and Fit's gloved hands. The last mentioned nods, a huge grin appearing at their face while he blushes a little, not expecting the attention. “That's awesome, thank you. I'll put them in the fridge, so they can actually taste them.”
Fit smiles. Maybe this day is not as bad as he thought it would be. He's still so fucking exhausted and everything hurts and he can't wait to get off these stupid clothes, but this felt amazing.
He feels a tug at their apron to cook, and turns around with an arched eyebrow, probably one of the children would be asking for their help, but they were surprised to find Richarlyson bouncing on the spot from excitement, while looking up at him, all stained in different colors, just like Felps.
Fit notices, —since Richarlyson is wearing shorts—, that the mentioned child has a prosthetic leg. That was probably the metallic sound that he has been hearing all day long since Richas came here, and jumped at the crash pads. Fit just hopes that their parents are taking proper care of it, knowing how hard it could be. From experience.
The child waves one of its hands, trying to catch Fit's attention. The last mentioned nods, trying to let the other know that they're in fact listening. or reading, or whatever Richarlyson uses to communicate.
“Why are you so tall?” Richarlyson starts to sign, so fast that Fit even feels dizzy trying to follow them. “Why are you so white? Why are you wearing gloves inside? Are the scars across your face real?” And he feels absolutely flabbergasted about all these questions. “Are you really Bad’s friend? Why do you look like a cop? Why does your head shine so much? Aren't you warm with those gloves?
Can you not hear?”
Richarlyson stopped, and it seems like they just thought about what it signed, because they seemed to wince, and then they added a quick “sorry”, stumbling over their own hands, shaking a bit.
“Sorry, you don’t have to answer any of that.”
Fit smiles, looking down at the child.
"It's okay, I don't mind questions.” Richarlyson jumps a bit. They probably weren't expecting Fit's voice to be booming like that. “I’m tall because all my family was tall too, it's called genetics, the same as with my skin tone, and no hair.” Richarlyson seems to snicker, not really expecting them to really answer all of that. “My scars are real, but you shouldn't ask about scars from other people, it's a bit rude.” Fit gently scolds, and the child signs an apology again. “Bad and I have been friends for a long while, yes. Again, genetics, but I can assure you, I'm not a cop. I work in a gym, actually. I take proper care of my skin, that's why it shines.” Fit makes a goofy face while touching his bald head, and Richarlyson giggles.
The kid has a pin with a fox in it, and thinking about it, looking at their mischievous expression and wide grin, Fit agrees that they look like a little sly fox. He thinks that this kid could probably give them early grey hairs, if it weren't for the fact that… you know. bald. But Felps’ hair is probably dyed, just like Niki's.
“I actually can hear, just less than you and probably everyone else here, except for Lullah. I use these hearing aids, that help me hear a little bit better, much louder so I can understand better. They're not perfect, but they help."
Richarlyson nods, happy with most of their questions being answered, and sprints towards Felps' and starts signing something. Felps just smiles and sings something back that makes the child bounce in their spot. They were probably searching for some reassurance after the small talk. Richarlyson starts to run again, this time to go near Chayanne, probably more shenanigans incoming. It's nice to see the children socializing with each other so much today, and Fit's glad Richarlyson is having a great time today.
After a long while, all the children are enjoying while eating their cookies, some of them are trading the ones that they frosted, and some are just enjoying their own while happily stimming, some sitting on the chairs and some just on the floor. Chayanne is sitting at one of the crashing pads, because of course he is.
That makes Fit remember that the same as Lullah, who was quietly sitting at one of the chairs near Chayanne, Richarlyson should be near them, too. Fit looks around, but can't find them.
He approaches Felps', who is eating its cookies. It seemed like the polyamorous one was the only one left, and Fit looks at it, the colors look really pretty all mixed like that.
“Uh.” Fit starts a bit awkwardly, and hopes that the other doesn't think badly of them in their first time ever meeting. He'll probably overthink all these interactions from today while trying to sleep. “Richarlyson…?”
Felps smiles while munching on the last cookie.
“They're at the other room. It has problems with eating around other people, so Bad and I thought that they needed some space.”
“Do they have problems with hovering food?” Fit accidently blurts out. “Oh, sorry. It's just- I know a lot of kids that would hover their food because they got so neglected about having a nice meal that they would be absolutely insane when offered a nice and warm one, and they'll just end up quickly eating it just in case—”
Fit accidently overexplains, and the other just nods, it seems like Felps doesn't mind all the words thrown at them, which makes Fit briefly relax. He hopes that the other doesn't notice that they were talking about his own experience there.
“Yeah, Richarlyson is just like that.” Felps confirms, adding a bunch of nodding motions. “They're in the other room, eating its cookies. I helped them with those, but Richas has more artistic abilities than me, so I'm not sure of who helped who” Felps laughs, and Fit does too, trying to mimic him, hoping that their laugh doesn't seem too fake.
“Rrrricharlyson has great creativity, just like their parents!” Bad suddenly adds, rolling the ‘R’ to the best of their ability, just like with Ramón, appearing out of nowhere, still wearing that cooking apron with a bright pink all over it, but no cooking gloves.
“And it will eat almost anything." Felps continues, laughing at their child's antics.
Richarlyson is going to be an interesting addition to their friend group, that's for sure. Felps too. And Fit's even more excited (and scared) of meeting all the rest of the parents.
He just wants to go home and hibernate for a while though.
When the activity and The Nest was over, Fit was quietly sat at one of the green chairs, —which was, honestly, most comfortable than they even thought—, looking at Ramón and Sunny signing to each other, both of the children looked pretty tired already from all the emotions of today, Ramón specially.
Bad is outside, waiting for the last parents to come pick up their children. Fit decided to wait inside, since Ramón looked a bit overwhelmed, and honestly he was fucking exhausted too. And, Sunny's too scared to be alone outside, and sometimes inside too, —that's part of her agoraphobia diagnosis—, so they thought that they would appreciate some company until Tubbo or Quackity came to pick them up.
Then, the door is opened, and Fit gets startled, accidentally getting up too quickly and using his body as a shield for both children that were now confused behind them, and— it's just Tubbo. right. Fit sighs while he sees the mentioned approaches, both of them, a big grin at its face. He tries to relax their body as Tubbo gets to their side, and Sunny quickly gets up from where they were sitting at the floor and makes grabby hands towards Tubbo, who scoops her up on his arms.
“Did you have fun, poppet?” Tubbo asks, and Sunny quickly nods. Then, they loudly yawn and start rubbing her eyes. Tubbo just smiles down at her and makes an exaggerated ‘owwww’ sound, and then greets Ramón, who continues playing with Techno after acknowledging Tubbo's presence. “You're tired, aren't you?”
“Can I hug them?” Bad asks, appearing again out of nowhere. Tubbo looks down at Sunny, who nods a bunch of times, so Tubbo reaches its arms to carefully pass Sunny to Bad, who gently holds her and starts to swing from side to side, as if trying to make them sleep.
It seems to be working, because Sunny yawns again and slowly closes their eyes, almost dropping her cat plushie, but Bad grabs it and places it near them again. It's a cute sight, definitely. Fit looks behind himself, and finds Ramón playing now with some toys, mindlessly placing the animal toys in a row.
The sudden sound of Tubbo dramatically groaning makes Fit look at his general direction again, arching one of his eyebrows with a questioning look all over their face. Tubbo is shaking its phone while intensely looking at it.
“Should I ask what's up?”
“Why can't they be books about queer adults loving each other?” Tubbo suddenly says, and the other just waits for mushroom to continue, because that's lacking some context. “Why are all of them fucking teenergers?? I mean, I get it, but It's almost like queer adults didn't exist!”
“I'm pretty sure we're both queer adults.” Fit says with a huge grin, just trying to tease them. Tubbo glances at him in a way that says more than words could ever.
“I don't see a book being written about us!”
Silence. Fit just shrugs, and then turns around, Ramón's still placing those toys in a row, so he looks at Tubbo again.
“Touche, I guess? Are you trying to find books or something?”
Tubbo nods while swinging his body from side to side. Bad seems to be singing some kind of lullaby to Sunny, who is completely asleep by now. By the sound of it, Ramón is still placing animal toys.
“I'm sure you'll find something soon?” Fit tries, not even sure himself because it's honestly hard to find something like Tubbo's looking for nowadays, because everything is mostly focused into targeting a younger audience just for benefits.
“Nuh-uh! I'm sure I won't. And even if I do, I'm sure it would be full of—” Tubbo quickly looks behind Fit, and stares at Ramón. It opens his mouth a bunch of times, and closes it, like carefully trying to search for mushroom’s words. “—full of adult stuff that I am not willing to read!” Fit loudly laughs at his friends' antics and the other crosses its arms. “And! Even if I find something, I would be sad because I'm one hundred percent sure it won't have an audio version!”
“I'm sorry.” Fit says, not really knowing what to say in a situation like it. Just sucks.
“It's fine, big guy, it's not like you're the dyslexic-phobic here.” Tubbo shrugs and the other chuckles, shaking their head. Tubbo then reaches its hand to one of the baskets, probably going to search for a fidget.
“I'm pretty sure you could just say ableist.” Fit says while looking at the other struggling with moving around all the bunch of fidgets toys that are all over the basket. Some of those seem heavy.
“Okay now you're definitely being dyslexic-phobic!”
“I could share some of my books with you?” He tries, not really sure. “They're definitely just books, no audio here, sorry.” They add, vaguely gesturing to their hearing aids. Tubbo just shrugs while grabbing a fidget spinner and making it spin. It makes a weird sound.
“I'm sorry but I'm not really into history.”
“That's not the only thing I read!”
Ramón chuckles behind them, absolutely eavesdropping at the adults' conversation. Fit turns around and looks at him, there are a lot of toys all over the floor and absolutely making a row now. He sighs.
“Pick up all of this, please.” They plead, looking down at Ramón, who nods. “And don't forget to grab Techno before we go.”
“Did you like Felps?” Tubbo suddenly says, awkwardly swinging from side to side while intensely looking at the fidget spinner. Fit vaguely wonders if its understimulated or just distressed about the books situation.
“Yeah. They're cool. I like zeir style.” Fit nods, more to himself since the other is not really looking at their direction.
“I shouldn't say this but, void’s autistic too.”
“Oh.” Fit says, and ponders about that new information. It makes sense, thinking about it. Tubbo shouldn't be the one saying that, though. What if Felps doesn't want it to be known?
Or maybe Fit's just projecting.
Because they can actually recall from earlier, looking at Felps' labels, and seeing a clearly drawn rainbow infinity symbol. And he actually wondered if they're autistic too, but they didn't want to assume anything. Could be just a coincidence.
“We were talking about our neurodiverse brains at the chat group, but you didn't see it, and we already met all of Richarlyson's parents, you're one of the only people that haven't seen them yet.” Tubbo continues, as if Fit wasn't processing a lot of information yet.
“I'm sorry.”
“Oh, no, it's fine! It really is! I was just sayin' so you know. They're autistic, just like Richarlyson. Some of the parents wanted to meet you though, they know about your podcast.”
“That's fucking insane.”
“I know, right! We don't even share the same language but they somehow knew about your podcast! Especially Pac and Mike.”
“I don't know who they are.” Fit says while shrugging, trying to hide their blushed cheeks. He's starting to feel even more bad for being all disconnected from their friends. He has missed a lot.
“I know, but I'm sure you'll meet them soon! Don't worry!” Tubbo seems to see this, and tries to smiles at the other. Fit just shrugs again. “When I was in denial about my autism diagnosis—” Tubbo suddenly changes the topic, as always. Fit just sighs and tries to interrupt mushroom.
“But aren't you still in denial?” He says while crossing their arms and looking at him with a smug expression, trying to tease.
“Shut up I’m talking!” Tubbo is fast to scream, making the spinner spin in the other way now. “When I was in denial, I felt better after meeting more people that were like me. So maybe you can feel better, too, knowing new people.”
“And how did you feel when you realized that you were co-morbid—” Fit tries to interrupt the other again, but Tubbo is quick to speak louder.
“Shut up shut up! When I was still in denial, I tried to shake my hands a bunch of times and I thought that since I didn't feel absolutely amazing at that exact instant that I did that, I couldn't be autistic!”
Fit laughs, because that's actually relatable. he doesn't understand how can he be in denial though,when it's so evident. Fit’s mind that sounds too much like Phil vaguely says that it sounds a little bit hypocritical to say, but that exact same voice that sounds a little bit too much like Phil can go to fuck itself, thank you very much.
“So yeah! It is what you're thinking. I was having a white-and-black-thinkin’ moment. In my brain it made sense. I don't feel extreme joy moving my hand at this specific moment? Then I can't be autistic.”
“That's kind of funny, if you think about it.”
“It's not!”
Ramón tugs at his sleeve, and Fit looks down at the child, who is hugging Techno with his other hand.
“Ready to go home?” Ramón nods.
Home they go, after saying goodbye to Tubbo, Sunny, and Bad. Everyone else left already.
Fit's still feeling weird. He feels better now that they're at the safety of their home, that's for sure. But, his body feels weird, or maybe it's their brain. There's something definitely wrong, but he can't quite understand what it is, because he's not overstimulated, they would know it. Right?
When the night comes, and Fit's already going to try to sleep, —something that is probably not going to happen—, he gets a call from Phil, asking how it went today at The Nest and meeting the new people.
“I'm so fucking exhausted and I can't sleep! It makes no sense.” Fit can hear Phil laughing at the other side of the line, even without their hearing aids on. That fucker.
“I know that one.”
“They are going to live here, aren't they?" Fit suddenly says, surprised by his own words, since they came from nowhere. And by how much Phil lasts to answer, it seems like he was surprised too, or at least confused about the sudden change in topic, which is valid.
"Yeah, at least for a while. That's why I'm so insistent on trying to befriend them. It has to be hard to be in a new place all of sudden."
There's a bunch of silence, when they both suddenly remember that they're calling each other in the middle of the night. It's funny, makes both of them think of when they were younger and everything seemed to be more simple.
“Why you askin’ though? You already knew.”
“Why did you answer if you knew I already knew?” Fit shrugs, trying to tease the other. When Phil keeps quiet, Fit continues. "I don't know, it's like— there's something comforting knowing that someone else shares and actually understands your pain.” He sighs, slightly moving around the bed, trying not to wake Ramón up. “Just like Lullah, they always get excited when she sees me."
Because both of them have hearing aids, but those words don't need to be said.
Phil hums, as if he was carefully looking for what to say next.
"Just how you and I bonded because of trauma. And we bonded with Tubbo because of being neurodivergent. Makes sense."
"I met Felps, one of Richas’ parents.” Fit continues, and the other listens. “It seems like they have a bunch of them, just like Empanada." Phil hums.
“Can I ask where this conversation is going?” Phil suddenly says, and Fit just shrugs, even when the other can't see them. “Don't get me wrong, I love that you're talking to me right now. I'm just a little bit lost, mate.”
"Oh yeah. It's just—” Fit uncomfortably moves around the same spot he's on the bed. “How should I put this- Richarlyson has a prosthetic, too. And, uh, for some reason, looking at such young child with a prosthetic made me wonder if we could bond, even though it's not the same limb— but, you know.” He keeps whispering and using a rush tone so Ramón doesn't get awake.
Phil gasps hard, really hard, and Fit just hopes that he didn't awaken anyone at his home.
"FitMC of 2B2T?? Are you really thinking about talking about your prosthetic with someone else that is not me??” Phil almost screams with such a teasing voice that Fit vaguely thinks about killing him while he's sleeping, but the thing is, Fit's not really sure if Phil sleeps at all. “Quickly grab me I think I'm gonna faint—"
Fit was going to loudly protest, but then there's the sound of someone else whispering and Phil quickly seems to reply back and now there's a bunch of rushed whispers and he doesn't know if they should say something or not. He looks at the side, Ramón is peacefully sleeping. He was really tired from all the emotions of today, and before going to bed they were talking about how he was feeling towards Richarlyson, and even though it seems like they both didn't interact much today, Ramón already liked Richarlyson. That's really good to know,
“Fit? Are you listening to me?” The voice of Phil makes the first mentioned come back from their thoughts.
“Yes. Sorry, just thinkin’.”
“Okay.” Phil says, and then it seems like he's moving around or whatever. “Missa wants to cuddle so I have to go. Good luck with sleeping.”
“You too, my friend. Say hola to Missa.”
“Will do.”
Phil ends the call, and Fit sighs, slightly moving to put their phone away and stare at the ceiling.
His mind starts to wander, because of course it would. Sleeping? Actually resting? Their brain doesn't understand those concepts. It's dawn, which means Fit's brain is obligated to start overthinking about everything just because.
He loves Phil, and they appreciate that he's always willing to check on Fit. He only hopes Phil doesn't get tired of them.
Fit, in this instant, is feeling like he's not enough while simultaneously being way too much at the same time, which is something that they wouldn't wish for anyone to feel ever.
He looks at their side, Ramón is slightly moving in his sleep, and gets uncovered. Fit moves, trying to be as careful as he can, and covers Ramón with the blanket again. He also grabs Techno, who got too far from Ramón, and gently places the plushie in Ramón's arms, where it belongs.
Then, he decides that there's no way he's gonna sleep right now, so they carefully get up, trying so hard not to move too much or make any kind of sound to not awake Ramón, and he grabs their pack of cigarettes, lighter and goes to the balcony. Everything is, in fact, dark. Fit doesn't know what he was expecting when going to the stupid balcony at whatever time it is, but it's still night, that's for sure. The stupid light pollution makes it hard to see any stars, so there's only a huge sky full of nothing, just, darkness. He takes a drag on the cigarette, while looking at the empty street. The wind is going wild, but they couldn't care less right now. It almost feels nice to have the violent puffs of wind against their skin. He lights another cigarette. Ramón would be so sad if he saw him right now. A bit of ash from the cigarette fell into the Groudon sticker that Ramón pasted into Fit's hand today, and he quickly tried to clean it. They grab another cigarette, intensely looking at it.
Ramón seems to be having trouble sleeping alone lately. Which is kind of worrying. Is he having nightmares again? If he is, why isn't he telling Fit? He knows he has to tell Fit when that happens.
Is Ramón trying not to worry Fit because he sees that his father is struggling?
Hopefully not.
He lights the third cigarette, instead of staring at it.
Fit finally gets to sleep. He didn't rest much, since they woke up a bunch of times in the middle of the night. It's such a horrible feeling to wake up, pray for it to be morning finally, and then looking at the clock just to see that it's only been a fucking hour ago since you closed your eyes. What do you mean?
Luckily he didn't have any kind of nightmare, which means they didn't scare or awake Ramón at all, in fact the child seems like he didn't even stir, which is good.
Fit feels absolutely miserable when the alarm sets off, and he wonders, how much time are they even going to be able to keep it up. But there's not time for that now, he has to take a shower and make breakfast for Ramón and then and then and then and—
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Chapter 9: Bagi's welcome party!
Summary:
Fit goes to the party that Bagi and Tina organized for the —hopefully— new members of the friend group to meet each other, and Fit has a hard time because sometimes he forgets that they're disabled. (He doesn't forget, they just try to fake it until you make it).
Notes:
This chapter is kind of heavier than the rest.
TW:
°Self-neglect and a lot of negative self-talk
°Mentions of feeling like dying
°A lot of mentions of alcohol
°Mentions of a lot of smoking
°Meltdown mentioned
°Depersonalization
°Mentions of scars.°Fit: he/they
°Bagi: she/they
°Tina: she/bun
°Phil: he/him
°Missa: he/bone
°Pac: he/him
°Mine: any
°Mike: any (astro/it)
°Tubbo: he/it/mushroom
°Roier: he/they
°Cellbit: he/him
Chapter Text
«January 13, Saturday»
Friday went as smoothly as it could be. Ramón seemed to be tired from all the emotions that had this week, so he chose to do nothing and just rest. Fit was grateful for that, but he would never admit it out loud. Ramón also seemed to be trying so hard to regulate himself, and asked his dad tips for that. Fit tried to answer as much as they could, not using personal experiences, that's for sure; instead, he chooses to use their own knowledge living with other autistic friends for so long.
They both rested for a while, but even though Fit didn't do much at work, —since Etoiles and Ollie did everything again, really—, and they rested all afternoon, he couldn't shut their eyes at night, and the next morning, today, he still felt like shit. He still felt so fucking exhausted it hurts.
It was like no matter how much they rested, his body felt like it needed more, and more. Which was quite frustrating if you ask him. But they can't be stuck in bed today too, it's an important day.
Surely he can push it a little bit more, right?
Or at least that's what they're trying to convince himself of while he helps Ramón get dressed for today. Bad said that xe already knows everyone, so they would be happy to take care of the kids today too, and let the adults have the opportunity of actually meeting each other without worrying about the kids all the time. They'll probably be alcohol involved too, but Fit doesn't drink anymore since Ramón got to their life, so he doesn't really care about that. They only care about Ramón getting properly care of.
He already drove Ramón to Bad's place, and the routine that they already planned for today was done, so he just needed to get up and go to Bagi's and Tina's new place.
Fit hates brushing his teeth; only thinking about it makes he feel overwhelmed by all the strong flavors and the weird sensation of the brush against their teeth. But it's the only quick way to make the smell of the cigarettes go away, so it's fine. He's fine, and the horrible taste is kind of grounding.
Bagi said that someone who is attending the party is triggered by fire, which means that smoking was not allowed, and no one could even bring a single lighter with them, so Fit had to smoke real quick before going, and kind of even more anxious knowing now that the old “smoke break” excuse to go out was off the table.
Fit blinks and— oh, fuck. He's already at the door of the cat café. Did they got into autopilot and didn't even notice nor remember getting mentally prepared and going out? Fuck. That's bad. Fuck. Did they even brush his teeth before coming here? He can't remember.
He slides their tired eyes all over the facade of the place, vaguely remembering how he wished for this place to come alive again, and not knowing how to feel now that it's real. He looks up and the big sign that reads “Teaduo Cat Café” with some drawings of paws and pancakes all over it, seems to be welcoming Fit, with an overwhelming but homelike dim light shining against them.
He blinks, and tries to take exaggerated breaths for a while, trying to just, be here instead of on their thoughts.
Is Phil there already? Fit forgot to ask him, so they don't know. He hopes he's there already.
And hopefully Tina remembered Fit's allergy to cats.
He opens the door, wincing at the sound of a bell loudly sounding when touched by the door, and they look around, trying to see if anyone noticed, but all their friends seemed to be having a great time already, so no one noticed, really. There is also alcohol involved, so maybe that helped too. Fit tries not to look at the mentioned drug and continues going inside.
There are some dim lights illuminating the place, probably knowing that half of the people inside right now are light sensitive. There are also a bunch of baskets full of different fidget toys, and luckily it doesn't seem like any cat is near.
“Fitch!” Bagi exclaims, and the first mentioned tries so hard not to wince again, choosing to move his gloved hand, saluting Bagi, whose smile widens. “How is it going?” They say when she approached, a light above them made Bagi seem almost ethereal, smile even more wide with full teeth, almost like a cat-grin, white hair shining, overshadowing some of the last few brown locks left. She also seems to have something on their hand.
Fit blinks and then Bagi seems to be explaining something, but he can't quite understand what they're saying. Fit knows she's moving their mouth, but nothing seems to be arriving to his ears. They briefly touch his hearing aids, noticing that they're all good, so the problem is their brain. He tries to focus again, and when they can't, he rushes a bunch of apologies while asking for them to repeat whatever she's saying, and he receives a concerned look at Bagi's face, but then, they start again.
Apparently Bagi was trying to explain to Fit that she instructed everyone to grab a sticker and use a marker to write down your name, pronouns, and whatever you want to add over different stickers and use it on your shirt, so everyone can see it. That's actually nice, Fit vaguely thinks about Bad doing the exact same thing at their daycare, so that's probably how Bagi got the idea. Bad probably encouraged her to do it.
Fit repeats exactly the same as he did at Bad's place when given the sticker, writing down a quick “he/they” at their own label and placing it near his chest, at a side. They got a bit of a déjà vu after this. When he looks up from the table where they were making the mentioned thing, Bagi seems to be looking down at them with a patient smile all over their face.
Fit appreciates his friends so much.
“What are those?” Fit asks while looking at whatever Bagi's squeezing, instead of saying how much they appreciate her patience, because apparently today words are not working. That thing looks really soft, like really really soft, and sticky.
“What?” Bagi seems kind of confused for a brief moment, and then she follows Fit's eyes to her own hand. “Oh yeah, this thing!” They open her hand so the other can see it better under the dim light. “It's a squishy paw!” Bagi moves her hand, showing it better, and what Fit assumes is a fidget toy slowly morphs from a blob to a kitty paw, with brown and white spots all over it, almost like cow spots.”Wanna try it?”
“Uh. No, no, thank you.” Bagi makes a face that Fit cannot yet decipher, and decides to look at the floor because it's more interesting right now than the probably judging face of Bagi acknowledging that Fit is neglecting their own brain because of the fear of being perceived.
"My brother gifted me a lot of these, he loves them." Fit looks at them, and it's interesting. Bagi seems to be intensely looking now at her hand, with an expression that looks kind of sad, or nostalgic, perhaps.
Fit briefly looks at Bagi’s label, it says; “she/they, ADHD, queer”
He likes it, it's pretty simple, since she didn't draw anything else to decorate it or whatever, but it achieves its goal.
"You have a brother?”
Fit remembers asking Bagi at some point if her hair is dyed, but apparently they just have most of her hair white and then some brown locks, and it's all natural.
"Oh, yeah!” They seem to like that question, their grin returning to her face, eyeliner looking even cooler when she wrinkles their eyes to smile, piercings shining with this dim lighting. “You can easily spot him if you search for my hair, but instead of white and then a lonely brown lock, he has all his hair brown and then a long white strike!” Bagi starts swinging from side to side while talking. “His name is Cellbit, he should be around here, probably near Felps, or trying to flirt with Roier again.”
That's a lot to unpack, and Fit's brain is not collaborating today, so he accidentally ignores all of that and continues with the start of the conversation.
"So the same hair but kind of different? That's cool." Fit hums at their own words, remembering the name from the group chat yesterday. He's pretty sure one of the names was, in fact, Cellbit.
"Yeah! It's vitiligo, you know, a lack of pigmentation in your skin, but we have it in our hair. It's kind of funny that we both have the same condition, almost as if life itself wanted us to look like brothers all the time.” Bagi keeps squeezing the paw while she talks and moves around.
"Yeah, I know what it is, one of my friends, Ollie, has it on their skin too, it looks pretty amazing, even though you have to be extra careful with everything.”
Before Bagi could answer, Tina is quick to appear, hugging Bagi by their waist and putting her chin against their shoulder. Bun has an even bigger paw on one of her hands, this one is full black with the exception of the ‘beans’ being pink.
“Yeah. Thanks for coming though, I know socializing can be hard but I hope you have a great time here with us!”
“Mhm!” Tina adds an affirmative sound at their words, and Bagi kisses her cheek.
Fit squint their eyes to look at Tina's label, which was definitely more decorated than Bagi's, full of carrots and some cat ears. “She/bun”, and then close to that the Sapphic and Demisexual flags were painted. All the little drawn doodles look pretty cute, makes Fit think of Ramón doodling all over whatever place he can. He misses the boy. Surely he's having the best time ever at Bad's Nest. Hopefully.
Fit decided to grab a glass of water, after Bagi offered some alcohol and he had to politely dismiss it while Tina elbowed Bagi at the side and both of them had a staring contest where Bagi had her pierced eyebrows moved into a frown while Tina just intensely stared at her.
He was peacefully sipping at their water while watching some people having a conversation, he could recognize most of their friends, and also some new people, probably Bagi's friends.
Something about seeing a bunch of adult queer disabled people makes Fit's heart stir with pride, since most of the time the media only shows teenagers. They could see most of the labels, and he was feeling weird when seeing everyone being so proud and open about their identities and diagnosis while he's just here, at this corner, watching everyone have fun and interact with each other while they're just at the side.
Fit received a message, and he quickly checked it, hoping it to be either Phil or the wrong number. It was Phil, saying that they're almost there, Missa is coming too, to which Fit reacts with a thumbs up just to make both of them laugh.
He looks around, hoping for that stupid bell to sound soon, noticing Roier talking with someone who Fit assumes is Cellbit, mostly because of their hair and the fact that Roier has that wide grin he uses when bothering someone, while the other is half blushed and with a cat-like smile too, both of them seemed to be holding some alcoholic drinks, which probably helps with the situation.
Foolish is happily talking with Bagi, Tina, and some more people that Fit doesn't know yet. Quackity, Niki, Felps and Etoiles seem to be having a good chat too, since Etoiles volume is pretty loud while Quackity’, Niki's and Felps' laughter could be heard by everyone in this room.
Quackity, who was the closest to Fit, had a poorly sticked label that read “He/him + ADHD + queer” and a small duck at the end of it, he was probably thinking of Chunsik when doing it. Felps and Niki literally had the same exact labels as the other day at The Nest, and Fit vaguely wonders if they just did them again or just grabbed those from Bad's place.
Etoiles had a bunch of labels, each one of them read one thing in big black letters: “he/him” with a drawn Pac-Man, “Autistic” with a dinosaur riding a train, “Aro-ace” with a… sword? Fit can't tell, and then “Diabetic” with the drawing of a cake with a red cross all over it. Fit didn't expect less of Etoiles' art. He also has his “I’m weird with eye contact, lol” pin that he also uses at work.
The bell rings, and Fit is quick to make their legs move to the entrance. He quickly greets both men, keeping the door widely opened to help Missa easily push Phil in the room.
"What are you looking at?" Phil says while looking up at Fit, a challenge on his tone. Missa laughs behind him.
"Sometimes I forget you're an ambulatory wheelchair user." Fit offers, and then moves just a bit just to gesture to the table that Bagi's using to help people write or draw on their labels.
"Look at you and your fancy words." Phil fastly replies with humor and some kind of tone that Fit can't quite decipher. "Quick, love, help me roll over them with the wheels!" He loudly adds while narrowing his eyes at Fit, who laughs and then scoops a bit aside just in case Missa listens to him, but Missa just laughs while shaking bones head.
Phil starts moving his wheels, to get to the table, and Fit keeps his distance just in case.
“How's it going?” Missa says with bones calm tone, the same as always. He seems kind of tired, Fit can bet he has been working really hard and forgetting to take care of himself from time to time.
“Doing good, doing good. How about ya?” Fit is quick to reply, trying to ignore the murderous glance that Phil throws at them, and then he continues scribbling down at the label.
When he's done, he places it at his chest, and then Missa makes a quick pause of drawing a sketch of one of these Mexican sugar skulls, all colorful, on bones' own label just to ask permission to move it a bit, to make it look better, straighten it. Phil smiles when it's done, and Missa gently grabs both his cheeks just to kiss Phil's forehead.
“Phil I'm so glad you're here, because it means I'm not the oldest, no offence.” Fit says, and the other just flips them off while the three of them laugh.
Fit decided to let them finish with the labels and went to walk around for a bit. The place is pretty big, and it's definitely decorated with both Bagi’s and Tina's style, and of course a bunch of cats toys and beds and all of that are all over the place too. Fit just has to not go near them, just in case they have any cat hair left on them.
Jaiden greets Fit with a huge grin and starts talking about her next art projects and Fit nods along, noticing the black, purple and blue wings painted on their cheeks, it probably has to do something with her project, or maybe not, maybe it was just for fun. She has at her hand a tiny white plushie that looks like a… hamster? or something.
Baghera is algo there, with a glass of whatever and also nodding while bouncing on the balls of her feet, listening closely to whatever Jaiden is saying. Baghera also has some wings painted on her face, but hers are bright yellow instead, almost like a duckling's wings. That makes Fit think of Chunsik, and not wanting to feel even worse, he darts their eyes around the room again.
Tubbo, who recently arrived, seems pretty excited talking about something very passionately while shaking his hands and jumping up and down, while the other person —one of Bagi's friends, Fit figures again, because he definitely doesn't know them— nods along and apparently answers from time to time. That person wears a blue hoodie with the hood all the way up their head so Fit can't really see their face, but he notices some really black hair with some blue locks, and a lot of freckles all over their pretty black skin.
Tubbo didn't seem to have a label on its shirt, which could mean that he refused to write another because of mushroom’s dyslexia, or that he has lost it, which is also very likely. The person who he was talking to was too turned to let Fit see the label, so they just looked around some more.
Arin seems to be having a great time, listening to Maximus ramble about a new machine or something. Mariana, Missa, Charlie and Quackity are whispering to each other while laughing, which means no bueno. The good thing is that they'll never commit arson knowing that someone at this party has a trigger with fire.
Felps is talking to so many people at the same time that Fit can't believe it, and they were probably speaking in Portuguese since he can't really understand what they're saying. Fit sometimes wishes he had some kind of real life translator, something like bubbles above their heads or something so they could actually understand each other. Maybe Quackity knows something about that, working as a translator or whatever.
Cellbit seems to be having a great time with Roier though, the both of them are still really close to each other. Cellbit has a glass of wine on his hand, which Fit finds really fancy. Talking about wine, Antoine and Aypierre are passing to each other a whole bottle of wine that seems mostly empty, and Fit vaguely wonders how they are not really drunk yet.
Fit politely says a quick goodbye to both Jaiden and Baghera, because he definitely needs to go near a corner again and just exist for a while, filling his glass of water while trying to ignore all the chatting around him. Why are they even here at this party? He doesn't like parties.
When Tina, Foolish and Bagi are all alone now, Fit decided to go with them, starting to feel too overwhelmed to meet new people, but also craving some company in this room so full of people that is making him feel all alone. The three of them greet Fit with some quick nodding and warm smiles. Fit noticed the subtle and quiet squeaking of the joints of the tangle that Tina was using, black and red pieces dancing around buns long fingers.
“It's good to eat! we love snacks!” Tina screams, and Foolish grins, and Fit just nods along, not really knowing what the hell are they talking about, but just enjoying being there and not being forced to interact at all. Bagi keeps throwing concerned glances at them, which is making Fit wonder if their face is showing his discomfort.
"I'm very happy for both of you! But especially you Tina, you finally found someone who's willing to put up with you, that's really nice!" Foolish screams this time, and then starts to loudly laugh again when Tina tries to loudly protest.
"I said that I was vegetarian when we met because I thought Tina was too! And then one day Bad invited me at xeir home and told me that they made something extra for me since Tina said I can't eat meat. It was funny." Bagi adds this time, mindlessly squeezing the mentioned paw before. Tina is using the tangle, and Foolish has a fidget cube. Fit vaguely wonders if he's the only one at this party that is not using any fidget toys. That feels weird.
"Yeah! I was so happy to make some vegetarian recipes with Bad." Tina continues, and Bagi puts their arm on her shoulder, squeezing her.
"I'm sorry." Bagi says, even though she doesn't sound really apologetic, a grin on their face.
"It's okay angel, I know sometimes talking is hard, and then you say something you don't mean, but you can't say it wasn't supposed to mean that so you just roll with it to avoid the embarrassment. Trust me, I get it."
“Oh yeah, bun does, believe me.” Foolish adds, and Tina makes such a guttural sound that Fit resists all urges to hit their hands against his ears. "I wish you could've seen Tina writing you that one letter, Bad told me all about it.”
Fit disconnected, because honestly they don't know anything about what's happening in this conversation, so he just keeps looking at their own almost empty glass, staring at the water dancing around, wondering why he decided to come here in the first place. He glances around.
Tubbo, who is besides Phil, has alcohol in both of his hands, and seems to be having a discussion with Etoiles, but they're probably just joking, since both of them are smiling while raising their voices, and Phil is holding his own stomach from how long he has been laughing with them.
Fit takes a sip of his water. Their brain is definitely not working seeing so much alcohol, or maybe too many people, or maybe all of that combined with the fact that he's not okay.
Niki, Rivers, Pol, Mouse, German and Lenay seem to be playing some kind of mime game, because Pol and German are making some exaggerated gestures —Pol uncontrollably laughing, making Foolish laugh too, even when they're not even close on the room—, while the rest of the mentioned are literally screaming a bunch of nonsense. It seems quite fun though.
“Do you come here often?”
Fit turns around, arching one of his cut eyebrows at the random pick-up line, completely changing their face to a more neutral one when seeing the person. Is the same one that was talking with Tubbo a while back, the one with the blue hoodie. They also have a thick accent, so Fit can easily guess that they're one of Bagi's friends, as he supposed earlier.
The other… Pac, Fit reads the label, chuckles, probably at their confused face, and then he gets down their hoodie, letting all his black and blue hair look pretty wild. Fit likes his style, and they would love to hear that chuckle again.
It's the first time ever that Fit meets this person, —Pac, his mind supplies again—, but he's definitely intrigued by him. His label also reads “he/him” “ADHD”, and then a drawn trans flag with some Pac-Man doodles around it. He'd probably get along with Etoiles.
They keep quiet, not really knowing what to say, just mindlessly moving his glass of water around, looking at the liquid again. Then, he notices that Pac also has a glass of water, which is kind of cool to see that they're not the only one not drinking alcohol today.
"So, English?" Fit nods. Even though he can already pick up on some Portuguese because of Bagi, it is not that good to fully have a conversation yet. And, after hearing Felps with zeir friends, he’s not as fine as they thought. "I can do that. I think. I'm not the best at English, but I'm gonna try!" Pac smiles, and Fit mimics the smile, while at the same time he has a sense of déjà vu, like they already had someone telling him that specific phrase.
But it could be the lack of sleep, too, because he's having too many ‘déjà vu’ moments today.
“Uh, uhm. I'm Fit, nice to meet you.”
Pac jumps a bit, probably not expecting Fit's voice like that, but Fit is more than used to it, so they don't really care much. The other is quick to regain his composure and then gets back that radiant smile that he seems to have, void-like eyes wrinkling at the expression. Fit looks at his face, he has so many freckles, it almost looks like a constellation.
Fit notices that Pac has a scar under his eye, and he wonders if he notices all the ones that Fit has over all the face.
“Your voice— uh. I think, I think I heard you before…?” Pac says, and Fit just frowns, not knowing why, but he didn't like that at all. Something inside of them panicked. “It's just— nevermind, don't, uh, it's fine don't worry.” Pac laughs, and then quickly downs his glass of water. The piercings that he has at his lips make a weird sound when touching the glass.
“Everyone says I have kind of a locutor voice, so, uh, you know…” Why the fuck is this so fucking awkward and, oh, please God, he knows about the podcast doesn't he? He probably thinks that Fit's so weird for doing it for so long and honestly, history? such a dumb topic—
“It's nice!” Fit blinks, their train of thoughts interrupted by Pac's quick rambling. “Uh, your voice is nice— I mean! I think I, uh, uuuuh— I should probably just shut up, honestly!”
Fit is the one who chuckles this time, and Pac follows. He's just amused, they're both so bad at this socializing thing that it's painful, but it's also fun, which is also something Fit wouldn't think would experience tonight. Then, someone else approaches, and Fit accidently frowns, which makes Pac confused and look behind him.
Someone, —Mike, their label reads—, says something that Fit can't understand, but Pac definitely did perfectly understand because he makes a gasp of disbelief and then elbows it on the side while the other just laughs. Tubbo and Phil also appear, to Fit's grace, because he was feeling kind of awkward, and they're not feeling too well to socialize with so many new people today, even though literally all of them seem so cool and chill too.
“He's my brother!” Mike half screams, putting an arm around Pac’s shoulder and dragging him. Fit just smiles, not really knowing what to say, looking at Phil for some help, because for some reason everyone was looking at Fit. Mike's accent is also thick, like Pac's or Felps’. You can tell they came from the same place.
“Oh, that's awesome.” Phil offers, smiling.
The other person, the one who was beside Mike at the party, is the one who speaks now. Their label reads “Mine”.
“Don't say that in a room full of neurodivergent people!” They say, intensely looking at Mike, who just has a huge grin while still squeezing Pac. “They're gonna think that you're being for real!"
“So you're not…?” Tubbo’ the one who says something now, looking as confused as Fit is. Phil carefully places himself with the wheelchair beside Fit, and he's definitely grateful for that, because they're close to running away right now.
“We're not bros, no. We grew up together so we say we're brothers, but we're not… blood related? If that's how you say it."
"Yeah, you're right king!” Tubbo looks at its label. “Uh, sorry, queen? Monarch, perhaps?"
“Whatever is fine with me, I don't really care.” Mike says and shrugs. Mine nods, silently communicating that it's the same with them.
Everyone is chatting about whatever now, while Fit is looking at their labels, because faces are too much right now, and he's too tired to pretend anymore.
Mine’s one read “Any pronouns, AuDHD.” with a little doodle of who Fit assumes was a small Richarlyson, because of the hair and the prosthetic leg. Xe also has another extra label that said “If lost, return to burro”.
Fit knows that “burro” in Spanish means donkey, and wonders if it's the same in Portuguese.
Mike's ones read “Any (astro/it), aro-ace”, and then the autistic rainbow infinite symbol and agender flags doodled, which is always cool to see. Astro also has one separated label that read “I'm burro”.
So they're probably wearing matching ones, then?
Mike is dressed really casually, painted black and pink nails, a lot of rings and piercings, a bunch of tattoos, huge black round glasses, and bright pink hair that definitely shined against its dark skin. She has a wide grin, teeth all pointy like, looking at Pac, who is trying to get off their embrace.
Mine is more dressed for the party, seeming to have some matching rings and piercings with Mike, while also having bright pink hair, but Mine's more like a bubblegum kind of pink, and kind of light skin, but not too different from Mike's. Xe has a patient wide smile at zeir face, looking at Fit with a tender expression, as if he knows that they're struggling in silence.
"Holy flipping fudge!" Etoiles screams as a joke when Phil gets up from his wheelchair, which is kind of funny, because at the same time he also seems to be trying to imitate Bad. Phil gets up just to whisper his concerns at Fit's ear so he's the only one that can hear it.
Fit quickly dismissed Phil, whispering back that he's fine, they only need to be quiet for a while to recharge. He disconnects after that, because they're exhausted, but he won't admit it, not even to Phil, not right now in the middle of the stupid welcome-everyone-party.
"I mean, as you say Fit, F-T-C."
Fit blinks. He doesn't even know what the hell they were talking about to end up with Phil saying that.
"Fuck the cops?" Mike says with a smug grin and an arc pierced eyebrow. That's when Fit notices that astro has both xeir eyebrows cut, and with a lot of piercings too. Phil looks at her and laughs.
"Fuck the catfish actually, but I mean..." Phil shrugs, fidgeting with something that Fit's brain can't understand right now, but it seems similar to a fidget cube, just, bigger and like a ring.
Mike seems to be rummaging through their pocket for something, and then shows everyone another label, a larger ones that read “fuck the cis-tem” and everyone laughs at that.
“I was wanting to use this one, but my husband wanted to match.” She says, and the points at the ‘burro’ label. Mine just laughs at Mike's careless words. Fit vaguely wonders if they're actually married, or it's just another exaggeration like before with Pac.
Fit keeps looking around, because he's just too tired to keep pretending to be actually listening.
Cellbit and Roier are still talking, looking very drunk already, and Fit vaguely wonders, if they make their relationship official, it's not going to surprise anyone.
They're both sitting near them, so Fit can hear a bit of what they're saying. They're also getting really touchy with each other, so he tries not to look at them too much.
“Uuuuh. I can't work." Cellbit says, voice kind of wobbly, probably from the alcohol. He now has a cup instead of a glass of wine. He looks at Roier like he's the only person on this planet right now, and to Cellbit, they probably are. His accent sounds even thicker.
"Oh that's okay, sorry for asking." Roier is quick to say, soft accent spilling because of the alcohol, same as Cellbit. “I mean, I'm pretty impressed with half of my friends having stable jobs while being like the most neurodivergent and mentally ill people ever. It's hard, you know.”
Fit nods, even though the question was not directed to him, because they know. Fit squints their eyes, trying to read their labels.
Roier’s one said “He/they” “ADHD nonbinary + homosexual” and what seems to be a poorly drawn emoji-like face which seemed to be winking or something. Cellbit's one was more simple, it just said “he/him, trans, autistic”.
His calligraphy looks pretty cool though, almost like cursive.
Fit feels like a ghost, wandering from side to side, just hearing people's conversation and saying barely any words from time to time.
"I think you two were made for each other." Said Tubbo, looking at Bagi and then looking at Tina. You could tell it was a bit drunk from how he slurred its words a bit.
Fit missed whatever they answer, disconnecting from reality and then coming back when the topic was changed again.
"I worked as a detective a long time ago. Now I'm here.” Babi casually says, vaguely waving her hand to point at the whole place.
Fit feels weird, almost as if he was dizzy. He doesn't remember where their glass of water went. His brain is screaming, but they don't even know why now. He should leave. Leave leave leave leave.
Tubbo started loudly making a sound similar to a 'pop' with its mouth that made Fit have the irresistible urge to mimic the same vocal stim, but they bit down the echolalia. Not now, not in front of new people, not now. Just leave please.
Pac repeated it though, so now it was both of them doing it at the same time. And then, Etoiles is making it too, and Fit just wants to scream at them to shut up, but he can't do that because he loves them, so they just-
They don't even remember what he did. Probably just stare at the wall with a blank look.
"I love you!" Missa starts, and Phil snorts, apparently knowing where this is going. "Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you."
"I love you, too." Phil answers after a while with a warm smile, and Missa squeaks when the first mentioned gets up from the wheelchair just to kiss bones forehead.
"How was your trip guys?" Now Roier was talking to Bagi, Tina, and Felps, while Cellbit was clinging at Roier's side, looking pretty drunk.
"Pretty good actually! We visited Bagi's childhood house and then celebrated Richas' birthday." Tina is quick to answer, having on the hand one of those squishy paws that Bagi showed Fit before.
Fit eyes are starting to close.
He wonders why they are still here. He needs to leave quickly.
"So, do you like tea? Because of the name of the cafe." Fit doesn't even know who's asking anymore.
"Oh yeah! I don't like coffee but I love tea." Bagi? Yeah, Bagi answers. She adds something else, but Fit can only see their lips moving, not quite knowing what she said.
"And I love tea too! And my name is technically related to tea— ‘Tina’, you know, so!"
Fit tries so hard not to run towards the bathroom, instead just quickly paces towards it, trying to act normal. Act normal act normal act normal act normal. Does that count as internal echolalia?
He keeps staring at the doors, not quite being able to understand what those symbols were. Fuck, he's too tired, their brain is not working anymore. What the fuck is he even looking at anymore.
“You know you can enter the disabled bathroom, right?"
Fit jumps at the sudden voice, gasping almost in pain, and the other quickly apologies. It's Quackity, because even though Fit's brain is not working, they can still recognize that beanie at any time.
He panics. How do Quacks know about their arm? Did he accidentally take their gloves off today and he can't even remember it? Did they even wear the gloves at all? Did he just—
"Last time I checked-” Quackity continues, oblivious to Fit's panicked state, since he has an internal crisis most of the time, while on the outside they just seem okay. “Being autistic is considered a disability big man, I don't know if you forgot that again… and I'm pretty sure hearing loss too, buddy."
Fit just nods, or shrugs or— He doesn't know anymore, Quackity points at a door with a questioning expression all over his freckled face and Fit just quickly enters the bathroom. By how huge it is, and some other things that he's not able to name right now, it's definitely the disabled bathroom.
He navigates inside it, stumbling around, using the walls as support, and trying so hard to keep balanced and not fall down. They feel so fucking dizzy it's insane.
He sits at the toilet, and just tries to breathe.
They're not— he can't escape, because they're not going to use the car like this. He can't. What are they supposed to do?
He has a meltdown.
They try to be as silent as he can in a situation like this, not wanting any of his friends to hear them.
After a long while, when he's feeling slightly better, they get his phone out of the pocket, tiredly looking at it. If he was exhausted before, now they don't even know what he is.
He messages Phil, because they don't know what to do. He's not willing to go out there again.
↳Creator of Minecraft↩
»Phil
Fit's always grateful that Phil never comments on how weird it was of them texting him when they were literally in the same room.
>Are you overstimulated?
Fit blinks. He doesn't like how much Phil knows them.
>Where are you?
>Big Q just came to tell me you're in the bathroom, is it true?
»Ye
>Need any help?
»I cant get out rn
>That's fine.
>Take your time, we can wait until no one's here anymore if you want m8
>Are you close to a meltdown?
Fit stomach hurts. He's not going to admit that they already had one, the only witnesses are these four walls.
»Ye
He'll feel bad about lying to Phil later, they're not in the mood right now.
>Okay, I'm assuming you wanna be alone right now, so I'm just gonna keep writing to you
>I'll also tell you when everyone's out
>I don't think it's gonna take long because a lot of people are heavily drunk and it's starting to get late
Fit sighs and puts the phone at their thigh, his hand is shaking too much. They get off his gloves, and then hearing aids, placing both of them at their other thigh. Everything is too much, and he's already feeling the shame post-meltdown, as always. Humiliation, confusion, and self-disgust thoughts are swimming through Fit’s mind, drowning him even more.
They cover his ears, trying not to hear anymore. They shut their eyes really tightly, trying not to see anymore. Everything feels wrong.
After a long long while, he checks the phone again, getting a message from Phil saying that no one's around anymore, just him, Tina and Bagi, who are waiting for them to get out so they can close the cafe.
Fit beggs Phil to come get them because he's not feeling like getting up, nor driving, not anything. Phil understands, because of course he does, and it's quick to enter the bathroom, alone, without Missa. Fit feels too ashamed, he doesn't even greet him or say anything at all, just silently putting back their gloves and hearing aids. Even signing seems like too much right now.
He's glad they decided to enter the disabled bathroom, because he doesn't know if Phil can fit through the other ones with his decorated and customized wheelchair.
“How are you feeling?” Phil signs, probably thinking that any kind of sound, even his voice, would make Fit breakdown —again—.
He's not wrong.
Fit just shakes their head. What does that mean? He doesn't even know, they only know that he wants to go home, now. He wishes they could just teleport there, because he's not feeling like seeing Missa, Tina, or Bagi at all.
Phil waves his hand to get their attention back.
“Stop thinking you idiot.” He signs, and Fit shrugs. “Bagi and Tina are in their room until we get out, I told them you're okay but you need your space right now. Missa’s also aware, waiting for us at the car, he's not gonna talk at all, and we're not gonna put any music on, don't worry.”
“I love you.” Fit quickly signs, getting half of it wrong because of their hands shaking too much and his brain being too melted yet, but Phil smiles and nods nonetheless.
Fit closes his eyes and tries to relax with the soothing movement of the car. They're trying so hard to ignore the itchy feeling of the seatbelt squeezing at their chest and their gloves feeling wrong for some reason and the sound of Missa tapping the steering wheel, probably confused but willing to help, as always.
Fit opens their eyes when he feels Phil tapping at the seat beside him, for some reason he decided to join them on the back instead of at Missa's side. His wheelchair is securely folded and placed behind them both, since they're using this specific car that they bought really huge just to fit Phil's mobility aids. It's also really nice because it gives both Chayanne and Lullah lots of space too.
Phil waves his hand, trying to get Fit to look at him instead of overthinking. Fit just arches one of their eyebrows, not really knowing what to expect now.
“How are you doing?” Phil signs, smooth hands moving around, you can easily notice that he's more than used to signing to the kids.
Fit just shrugs, what a tricky question it is.
He looks at their own hands, pondering if he should actually sign what they're thinking.
“Could you…” He starts, already feeling bad, —even worse that he was already feeling—, just thinking of it. But he also knows that it's better for both of them. “Could you grab Ramón, and take care of him tomorrow too?”
Fit's separation anxiety is kicking so hard that he feels like they're going to die.
“Of course.” Phil is so quick to sign back that Fit doesn't have time to overthink it, just letting out a sigh of pure relief.
Ramón deserves a safe space, and Fit can't offer it today, and probably not tomorrow, and he'll never forgive himself if they accidently snap at his baby boy, so this is the best for both of them. This is the best for both of them. Maybe, just maybe, if Fit keeps repeating that, he'll actually believe it at some point. They should probably ask for an emergency appointment with their therapist though.
The first thing Fit does when arriving home is smoke. How much, they can't even tell anymore, but, just a lot. A lot, a lot. He's smoking so much that they can even see the reaper coming for him. Then, ignoring their shaking hands, he quickly grabs their phone, and says ‘thank you’ to Phil a thousand more times, because he's taking care of Ramón, and he's also taking care of Fit, and he shouldn't have to do any of those things, but here we are.
Phil doesn't directly answer, he just reacts with a thumb up emoji to all of Fit's messages, and then sends a photo. The photo is a picture of Ramón, Chayanne, Dapper and Lullah on a table, a bunch of their stuff and fidgets toys all over it, Dapper is eating plain rice while the others are eating enchiladas. Phil seems to have thought of doing a sleepover, probably to help Ramón feel better about not sleeping at home today. Fit reacts with a heart, because that sight it's just so cute.
The wrong number also seems to have been written a lot today, a bunch of messages being the witnesses of that. Fit quickly checks it without opening it, just in case it's an emergency. The wrong number is only talking about how he had the best day ever and the best party ever. Fit vaguely thinks that it's kind of a coincidence that both of them went “partying” today, but then, it's Saturday, so whatever.
↳Creator of Minecraft↩
»Quick. How do I avoid a meltdown? as an adult.
Fit still feels bad for lying to Phil, not telling him that he already had a horrible meltdown, and that they can feel another one coming in their bones. But it's fine, Ramón is not here which is both reassuring and kind of awful at the same time.
>Is this /genq?
»It is! please, please
Fit goes to sleep before looking at the answer.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Chapter 10: Holding on to something
Summary:
Phil comes to the rescue (again), and Fit starts to slowly learn that maybe being autistic is not that bad when you're near the people who really love you.
Notes:
TW:
°Kind of heavy (bad thoughts)
°Slightly mentions of wanting to die (just one line and not even explicitly said, you can easily miss it)
°Mentions of meltdowns and panic attacks.
°Scars mentioned.
°Not eating much and food mentioned.°Fit: he/they
°Phil: he/him
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 14, Sunday»
Even though he was feeling fucking exhausted, Fit couldn't sleep too much because their brain wouldn't stop thinking about Ramón not being here. He can already feel all the symptoms of his separation anxiety disorder kicking in at the same time, trying to mock him, making him very aware of how they are a shitty parent for the lonely boy who was doomed to be alone with Fit.
When he wakes up, after a loooong night of being stuck in that mental loop, they try so hard to keep it all together and act like a functional being, but…
They have another meltdown, and this one is definitely worse than yesterday's, which is definitely terrifying and makes Fit be even more scared of himself than before.
He's terrified of these big emotions, of himself. Tears that also felt too uncomfortable and made their skin burn, and they made too much noise when they touched their metallic hand. He's too uncomfortable on their own life, on their own skin, on their not-so-own-metallic —not— skin.
Something inside of them clicks, he wants to stop pretending, they want to actually improve, to become someone better who could be an actual role model for Ramón. He wants to live, not just survive, not just trying to keep up with everyone else, just being himself.
That's what they say to their therapist when he calls them, crying, chain smoking, and vomiting all those weird thoughts he has been repressing for so long, because for some reason, he's unable to express most of their real thoughts. So he cries, and cries, and cries, and smokes, while their therapist, who is not even working today but accepted the call either way, is trying so hard to reassure them; there's always faith, he has good friends, they also have an incredible son, good things are definitely coming because he has been suffering for too long, life is not white and black even though Fit's brain thinks it is— it's more complicated than that. Bad things happen, of course they do- but good things happen, too. And oh god, how beautiful they are when they come.
Their therapist is trying so hard to talk them through it, to gently explain that there's nothing wrong with having huge emotions, bad reactions, so many triggers and struggles.
There's nothing wrong with being autistic.
But Fit just cries while smoking and feels dizzy and tries so hard to not break the phone against the wall, because he feels so stupid, so ashamed, so embarrassed, so terrified. This was so stupid, getting so worked up over practically nothing at all, with all the real and important things that he should be doing right now, like taking care of his goddamn child, or working extra hard to have some more money.
It's just— too much. Everything is too much.
It's just so unfair. Everything is unfair. Why can't he just feel emotions in a moderate amount instead of whatever this is? Why do they always feel so much? so fucking intense?
Why does it hurt so much? It's not fair. He feels the need to run away as fast as humanly possible, or to hide, but at the same time they're just completely unmoving, stuck in the same place as always, crying about the same things, suffering swimming through the same silence.
When Fit's loud ugly crying turns into soft sniffles, he's got a horrible headache and his lungs hurt and their hands hurt and everything hurts and everything still feels bad but at least they're just exhausted instead of angry and frustrated and and and and-
Their therapist thought that it would be better to see them tomorrow early in the morning, and then Wednesday too, as always. Fit can only think —overthink, perhaps— about how much fucking money that's gonna be.
But he can't continue like this. They have to actually do something to break this crazy circle of autodestruction and isolation.
Fit keeps staring at the screen; his therapist just hanged out so they're all alone again, with their own thoughts and fears and- He didn't call their therapist, Phil did, because apparently Phil has been trying to contact him and he couldn't, so he decided to call their therapist, just in case. Fit would be grateful if it weren't for the fact that he's too exhausted right now to think about all of this from another —more grateful— perspective.
This is the ugly face of disabilities that no one shows. The hopelessness, the isolation, the vulnerability, the incapability to speak or share your own thoughts, being unable to move or exist at all because everything's too loud, the meltdowns, the shutdowns, the panic attacks where you're not able to tell if you're going to die and being scared of yourself when you find your own brain slightly wishing it was true, everyone noticing you're different just looking at you, the exhaustion, feeling absolutely lost and alone, when you're a danger to yourself, when your body gives up, when your brain is too tired to even understand what's going on anymore, trying to ‘fake it until you make it’ even if that means destroying yourself, the fact that you know that you will never feel better because you're chronically disabled and you literally can't do anything to feel better, and the worst of all of it; no one really understanding it, and no one willing to listen at all.
A disability.
They decide to go to bed again, his aching body is screaming for the sweet release of being asleep better than awake at least for a few hours more, days if it was possible, and just to stop existing for a while, if they don't have a nightmare though. He passed more time with their eyes closed, praying to no one to hopefully sleep soon, than actually sleeping. He also decided to keep their prosthetic arm on, just in case, you never know when you're gonna literally need your arm. It's not safe to do, but they're too tired to think right now, he's trying to do whatever they think would help their hurting brain instead of body.
He's awakened a long after that by the incessant sound of their house doorbell being spammed, which is never nice to hear, and he can even hear it without their hearing aids on, which is even more bothering if possible. They quickly put their hearing aids on, and that stupid doorbell gets louder, and Fit mentally curses himself because of course it would be louder, that's the whole point.
Fit groans, getting really angry in his still half-sleep brain processing that this is in fact real and not another weird dream, or nightmare about the door that he usually has. When reality felt closer and Fit’s brain decided to actually work, his pulse suddenly went uncomfortably high since they started to panic instead of being angry. He panics, because of course they do, Fit's heart is racing so fast, it feels like it's gonna explode against their chest, because what if it's him, what if he finally, finally found this stupid apartment and and consequently he has also found them— Ramón is in danger but he is also not here which means that Fit could at least try to- try to wait and make no sound so he doesn't know? talk it out, maybe? He already knows that doesn't work. They don't know what he's supposed to do. Maybe they should just try to distract him and try to warn Phil so he's aware of what's happening and be a decoy while Ramón escapes. It could be a slippery slope; Ramón would absolutely be safe, but he would also absolutely hate Fit for thinking of Ramón’s safety before his own safety. But aren't good parents supposed to do that?
They're too sleep deprived and at the same time too dizzy from being awaken so sudden to think straight, he chooses to make no sound while fastly getting up; their exhausted body quickly protested and lets know Fit about it by making him stumble and almost fall down across the room, if it weren't for the walls securing them, he's grateful they usually sleep with his prosthetic arm on when he's not feeling too safe, so now he can start to move instead of frantically search for it.
The hell sounding noise of the doorbell keeps getting louder and quicker, the person behind that probably getting tired of waiting. Fit has his back against the wall, chest going up and down so quick it fucking hurts, not really knowing what should they do. First of all, he gets off their hearing aids, because the noise was starting to be too much. Then, he tries to breathe. It's not like he can get there if he doesn't open the door, so it's fine. It's fine.
Fit breathes, even though it is harder to do than they remember. He tries to inhale and exhale again.
Then, trying to properly hear again, since their ears were ringing from the too fast pulse, he realizes their own mistake. After hearing some more, just to make sure, they notice that the person at the door is making some sort of pattern that sounds vaguely familiar to Fit. He tries to remember, while trying to properly breathe at the same time. He's soaked on their own sweat, from all the panic that he had, still attacking their heart and stomach and and and and
Is that Phil? Fit vaguely remembers Phil making that quiet —not so quiet now— pattern on their doorbell before, so Fit knows beforehand that the person at the other side is in fact the british man, and not… him. He didn't notice before because of all the adrenaline that was definitely wearing off because they were suddenly warmer and more dizzy instead of cold as ice and too alert.
Fit groans. He feels so stupid right now. It's probably just Phil, and they just got so worked up over literally nothing. Fucking hell. He doesn't let their brain have more bad thoughts and decides to open the door, standing at the door frame, waiting for the british man to appear. His brain won't shut up until they can actually see Phil at their door.
Fit sighs when he sees the latter approaching and scoops aside so he can easily access their apartment. Fit is leaning against the wall hoping that the other doesn't notice their tired and teary eyes, or his trembling figure, or their unstable legs or still weird pattern of breathing. He's too tired to act as if everything was fine right now.
“Fucking hell.” Phil starts while he makes his way until reaching Fit’s door frame. The faint sound of Phil's personalized crutches could be heard through the hallway with even Fit's hard of hearing ears. “I need a copy of your keys like in this exact same moment.” He quickly says, so rushed that the american needs a moment, to both process those words and catch their breath. Phil also speaks louder than normal, which makes Fit remember that he got off their hearing aids in his scared state. They could get those back on but he's too tired to properly hear right now.
When Fit didn't seem to react at all, Phil kept just standing there in the middle of the entrance, a frown all over his face and something else that the other was not willing to overthink right now. He's alone, which makes Fit sigh of relief. He doesn't want Ramón to see him like this again ever.
“Hello to you too.” Fit blurts out with a mix of venom and sarcasm in their tone, tiredly brushing their eyes with his finger, trying to brush the sleepiness away, using their other hand to keep the door widely open so Phil can comfortably come inside whatever he was feeling like it. “What the hell are you doing here.”
Everything is coming out more harshly than intended, so he pauses a few seconds to breathe again, trying to exaggerate their breathing and trying to think of good things, like Ramón’s hugs. He misses the boy so much. Phil seems to patiently wait until the other seems slightly more calm to continue, entering the apartment and closing the door while navigating the space that he probably knows better than his own house by now.
“I've been trying to—”
“I know, I'm sorry.” Fit interrupts, already knowing where this was going to go. Phil hits them with one of his crutches, but he did so gently that Fit didn't really feel it. “Ouch?”
“Shut the fuck up—” Phil seems to be trying not to cry or something, Fit can't really tell right now. His face is all weird but the american is too tired to properly think. Has he mentioned already that they're tired? He's fucking exhausted. Phil also has something at his hand that makes a little noise, probably a fidget toy. “Can I hug you?”
Fit ponders. He's… not really feeling like hugging someone, but at the same time, they feel like he needs some squeezing, too afraid of grabbing Ramón's weighted blanket to help. So, Fit tries to clumsily communicate it and the other just nods.
They hug for a long while, Phil squeezing them in the way they like, and Fit offering some extra support so Phil can be comfortably leaning against the other without using the crutches. Fit knows they hurt to use after a while, so they're both having some kind of relief time.
“Your fucking internalized ableism sucks ass.”
“Thank you, I missed you too.”
Phil is now sitting at the couch in front of Fit's favorite spot, using something that sounded like some kind of magnetic, while Fit was just fidgeting with his own hands, kind of feeling weird yet. Phil's crutches are lying near both of them.
Fit's wondering if they should tell Phil the truth about what happened yesterday.
“What's that?” He says instead, and regrets it instantly. Why can't his brain cooperate for once?
“This is a slider. You just-” Phil slightly elevates the fidget so Fit could see how he uses it better. It literally looks like a cookie, or a biscuit as he'd say. “Do that. I also like the little noise it makes. It was a gift from Missa. Pretty cool, right?”
Fit nods. It actually looks cool, almost like a real cookie, and the sound it makes kind of scratches the right spot in their brain, which is kind of weird to think about, because it's literally just a magnet. But it feels good to look at and hear and he vaguely wonders if it feels even better to touch.
“How are you feeling today?” The british suddenly asked, making the other get off their own thoughts, using a careful tone or something like that, intensely glancing at Fit's leg. He's bouncing it too fast, and they can't stop even if he tries to. Their body is screaming for some movement while his brain is exhausted, how is that even possible? How the fuck can they crave motion so badly while also being so fucking worn-out?
Fit ponders again if he should say the truth or just try to gently lie to the other so Phil stops worrying so much about them, but then that's when Fit remembers that Phil lives worrying so…
“Weird.” He chooses to say the truth, to slowly start at least. It's complicated. “I'm, uh. I don't really know?”
‘Don't really know’ it's a good way to describe it. He doesn't even know what the fuck is wrong with their body anymore. His head is pounding, their pulse is racing and his stomach is aching; he closes their eyes as hard as possible until they hurt, knitting his eyebrows together in a displeasure expression. What are they even feeling anymore? Why is he like this? Is this part of being autistic? Or mentally ill? Or both?
He’s still thinking of the pure adrenaline swimming through their veins when he heard the doorbell. How is he so fucking scared after so many years? Should they tell Phil? He probably tried to contact Fit through their phone but they didn't answer since he was having a meltdown on the phone. They're making himself feel embarrassed. Phil snaps his fingers close to Fit's face, and the last mentioned just blushes. They're just too lost in thought today, and yesterday, and just lately, really. It's hard.
“I'm frustrated at me, at my brain, at this world.” Fit decided to say, almost like a quick summary, their voice so rushed it kind of hurt. “Everything is just so fucking frustrating and I don't even know how to cope anymore.”
Phil hums, and then continues to use the slider, seeming to be really thinking about what to say. Before he could really answer, Fit decided to continue.
“I got really scared when you were ringing my doorbell.” He rushes out, hardly tugging at their own shirt. “I thought…”
“I understand.” Phil hums again. “I understand more than you think.”
The worst part and the most frustrating one of everything is that Fit doesn't even understand what the hell is wrong with his body, with their mind. With him. Everything feels too much and he just wants everyone to fuck off and sleep until the world stops being so fucking noisy.
But at the same time he craves for the closeness of their loved ones. He craves a sense of security, to not feel alone anymore, to actually start living, and not just surviving.
But he doesn't know where to start. And they have a child he has to take care of.
“How do you do it?” He asks, not even controlling their own mouth anymore, words clumsy and kind of colliding against each other. “How do you…?”
How do you make your own brain shut up? How do you make your body obey you? How do you wake up and go on with your day? How do you cope when everything gets too much? How do you do to just go out and face this world? How do you stop being terrified of everything? How do you keep up with everything that life throws at you? How do you get the energy to do all the important stuff, and then add more things like socializing and taking care of the kids and and and and-
How do you keep living?
“I don't.” Phil is quick to answer, adding a chuckle at the end, not with malicious intent, not needing Fit to even finish their sentence, understanding at the moment. “I don't know what the fuck I’m doing half of the time, mate, no one really does. We all just pretend. But you took that too far because-”
“Yeah, autistic masking, I know.” Fit groans, and hides his face behind their hands. Both of them feel too cold, one because it's metal, and the other because he's so anxious right now that his only good hand turned into an ice cube. He has so many things to say, and their mouth prefer to remain silent instead. It's so frustrating.
“And autistic burnout, shutdown, and meltdown. You know these pretty well, don't ya?”
He could feel it once they woke up. He woke up a bunch of different times today, watching the hours go by, being a witness of his own mind tricking them to wake up hour by hour just to suffer in silence. They could feel it, all that wrongness displeasure that he feels in his veins, all that static feeling swimming through their body. When he woke up, one of the first times, they felt like he was dying. Like nothing was real, like they were just- dreaming, but without being asleep.
He felt like they were dying and their brain felt like it was melting and he couldn't properly breathe all alone on that bed, and what could that be if it was not dying? Fit's mind is running a million thoughts per second, but at the same time they felt so tired. He just wants their brain to stop, to pause just for some mere seconds.
“I had a meltdown, yesterday. At the bathroom— and then this morning.” He says after a while, eyes still closed but hands now in their own lap, Phil gasps and then after that the only thing that he could hear was the clicking sound that the slider was making.
Life is making fun of him right now. There is literally no other explanation. He remembers thinking about not wanting to have to rely on anyone to take care of Ramón— and there he is, having to ask Phil to take care of the kid because. because. He doesn't even know why they had a meltdown this time.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself. You shouldn't have gone to that party." Phil firmly but gently says, and Fit scoffs. He often feels more angry and snappy when it comes to being disregulated, and they know that, so instead of answering quickly, he tries to take their time, breathing again, tugging at their own shirt again. It's fine, he's fine. Phil's just trying to be a good friend. It's fine.
“I know.” He decides to say, trying to be careful with their own tone. A lonely tear slowly tracing a way down his cheek. He's not sad, just overwhelmed. “Are you… mad at me?”
“What? Why?” Phil actually seems confused about their words which makes something inside of Fit stir. Maybe it's just their brain playing tricks on him again. One of the sides of the cookie detached from the other and Phil is quick to place it back together with a smooth sound. It seems to be really magnetic.
“I lied to you. At the bathroom.”
“I literally don't fucking care. I'm just scared.”
Fit opens his eyes when they hear the sound of Phil reaching for his crutches, and then getting up. Is he going to leave him alone after what they said?
Phil then seems to see Fit's panicked expression because he quickly explains that he needs to go to Ramón's room real quick, and the father of the mentioned child just nods, kind of relieved that Phil wasn't gonna go away after the other said that they lied, but kind of confused about why he's gonna enter the child's room while looking at him slowly making his way there, crutches making a kind of a pleasant sound against the floor.
Ramón probably asked to grab something, since he had to go to that false sleepover without knowing. Luckily Ramón always has Techno near him now, since he can't sleep without hugging his favorite plushie gifted by Phil, so that's not what he's gonna grab. The fidget that Phil said was called slider it's now at the table, and Fit resists the urge of curiously trying it out while the other was not here, but decided not to.
Phil groaned from the other room, and Fit was going to get up and help, but the british fastly came to the living room again —as fast as you can with crutches and what seemed to be Ramón's weighted blanket at his arms and against his chest, oh fuck—, and Fit just sighs. This man. He really wants to break his own legs even more. Fit quickly gets up to help him, because there's no way he's gonna be able to carry it all alone.
Fit sits again when the other ordered him to, already sensing that something's up, and then Phil goes near Fit, and while the last mentioned is looking up at him with some kind of angry or exasperated expression, Phil just has a huge grin all over his face while he spreads the weighted blanket across their lap —even when he loudly protests about it, because it's not his, it's Ramón's—, unfolding it so the weight is spread evenly across their lap. That's actually nice, but Fit just glares at Phil, who lifts both his hands in some kind of surrender motion, relying all his weight against the personalized crutches.
"Just keep it there."
“It's for my son.”
“You son would prefer you being alive over that stupid blanket, so shut the fuck up and touch it.”
Fit groans, but listens. The feeling of the weight against their body is really grounding, and the texture of the blanket is just amazing. They chose it specially soft for Ramón. He’s gently caressing one side of it with their good hand, feeling the softness and enjoying the roughness of the weight against their legs and low torso. The sticker that Ramón put at Fit's metallic hand is still hanging there, not quite gone yet. It sounds even kind of poetic. Now that he can't tug at their own shirt, he doesn't know what to do with his hands so just keeps messing with their own fingers.
“Wanna try it out?” The other suddenly says when he's already sitting on the same spot, in front of Fit, showing him the magnets at his hand. The inside is white which makes it look even more like a cookie.
Fit uncomfortably sifts on his seat. They really want to try it but at the same time his pulse starts to race just with the thought of Phil looking at them while using it. Which is kind of silly now that he really thinks about it, because Phil has seen them in any kind of possible way by now. Too many years together.
So he just reaches their hand and grabs it, Phil throwing back at them a radiant smile while the american scoffs again and looks at his good hand, now literally caressing a false cookie. It doesn't weight much, and he rubs the texture of both sides. It actually feels nice, the cookie has such a smooth side that they find himself incapable of stopping caressing it. Phil chuckles, and Fit arches one of his cut eyebrows, but says nothing and just keeps messing with the fidget toy. He then gently slides one of the sides and- Fit could cry from how good that felt. It keeps going back to place in a smooth movement and with a pleasant sound, and Fit could definitely look at it forever.
“It's great, right?” Phil says with a smug grin all over his face, and Fit just glances at him and quickly nods. Then, he seems to search for something in his pocket and gets another false cookie. Slider, their mind offers. “I have a bunch of them, you can keep that one if you want to.” He shows the other one. “You can also try this one out and think if you also want it.”
“Are you sure?” It's the only thing Fit's able to say while he keeps moving the cookie so it keeps doing that sweet sweet sound and keeps feeling that sweet vibration against their good fingers.
“Yeah, I have so many of them.” He reaches so the slider is at the table now and gently pushes it until it goes towards Fit's direction. “Long story short, Lullah wanted to try them out and Kristin used their godness powers to somehow get a bunch of them, but Lullah ended up not liking any, which is completely fine by the way, you're not gonna like all the fidgets out there- okay sorry lost track there, Kristin didn't like them much so Missa, Chayanne and I tested them and we like them so now they're ours. We have lots of them.”
“So can I…” Fit looks at the slider at the table, it's kind of orange and looks like another generic kind of cookie. It also has little spikes, or like a sharper shape.
“Yeah, go ahead.” Phil makes a gesture indicating the other to grab it. “Chayanne wanted food ones, Missa got skulls, and I was fine with the food ones too.”
“These are…”
“Obviously these ones are mine, not Chayanne’s.”
“Okay. Thank you, they feel… nice.”
Phil chuckles and Fit has the sudden urge to take everything that he has said back. But it's fine, he's not being malicious so it's fine. Fit carefully grabs the other slider and makes a pleasant sound when touching the texture that it has.
“I know, right?” Phil then looks up and makes a weird expression while Fit keeps messing with the textured slider. He's definitely gonna ask Ramón to try these out, and if he likes them, they're gonna give them to him. "Is this light okay?" He suddenly asks, making Fit look at him quite surprised. Phil just shrugs and points up at the ceiling, the big lamp is on, just in case he had to look through the peephole in the door to see who was behind before knowing that it was, in fact, Phil. That stubborn old man that Fit loves.
"Yes." The american answers without really thinking about it, and the other morphs his face into something more weird. Fit keeps messing with the fidget, the spiky texture feels exactly like something that their brain needs right now.
"Is it, really?" Phil lifts both his almost nonexistent blonde eyebrows, almost as if he already knew the answer better than Fit, before he could even say otherwise.
"Uh."
"It's not, okay." Phil gets up —loudly groaning, which makes Fit hate himself even more for making his friend get up again, third time today— and switches off the lights, letting just a dim light on.
Fit sighs. That's actually better. How the fuck does Phil even know how to make them feel better? It's insane. Probably because of his children and too much time spent around other neurodivergent folks, but still. Fit's mouth starts to move without their consent. Phil makes another sound when throwing himself on the couch, and Fit continues messing with the slider that makes a magnetic-like sound when it places both parts back together.
Fit's mouth moves without their consent again, probably because their brain has Phil like a safe person.
"I don't wanna be like this."
"I know."
"It's not fair."
"I know, I'm sorry mate."
"I just wanna be normal."
Fit’s eyes widened, he didn't mean it like that. It's just their stupid brain not knowing how to communicate again, making his mouth say weird things that sound horrible without context if you can't hear their thoughts. They quickly look at Phil, who says nothing this time, but has a hurt expression displayed over all his face, eyebrows furrowed and parted lips. He seems to be wanting to say something, his mouth slightly opening and closing a bunch of times.
"Sorry, that sounded so wrong. Didn't mean it like that. Just brain being weird today, sorry, I swear I didn't mean it like that—"
"I know, you're okay. I'm not mad, it just came just too blunt. But I understand.”
After a while of silence, where the only thing that could be heard was Fit's irregular breathing and how he used the fidget, Phil seems to be fighting with himself about saying something, which prepares the other to whatever he's gonna say.
"This one is gonna hurt. But I need to say it.” Phil then says, and Fit gasps when one of the sides from the slider goes away and falls with a flat sound against the couch. He quickly reached their hand to grab it and smoothly put it back together. "I just think you've been suppressing your autistic traits for so long just to be less "annoying" and "inconvenient" to everyone else without realizing that you're slowly dying inside because of it."
Fit jokingly makes an ‘oof’ sound, trying to add some comedical relief to the conversation, but quickly keeps quiet, because Phil is right. Tears start to appear again, and they don't know what to do anymore. He's too overwhelmed all the time. Their brain keeps repeating a word and he wonders if they should actually say it, like his brain is demanding them to say it out loud, or just keep quiet but repeating it dancing around his mind, but the loop of the word all over Fit's brain is starting to get too bothersome.
"Phil.”
"Hmm?"
"Phil.” He accidently says, because for some reason, Phil's name sounds so good today in their tongue, and he's kind of ashamed but Phil doesn't say anything so Fit tries to breathe to remember that it's fine. His brain is probably too tired to mask right now. Maybe the weighted blanket helped, too, or using the fidget without worrying so much about what the other thinks about him. It's kind of… freeing. “Phil, Phil, Phil Phil." Fit tries to hide his face at their hands again, because it's kind of embarrassing, but continues saying it, because it feels too good for no reason. And Phil has autistic children, so he should understand. And Phil's ADHD, for god's sake, he also has vocal stims. “Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil."
"Feels good to say it, doesn't it?"
Fit hesitantly nods, a blush spreading all over their face now, slowly lowering his hands and looking away, quickly grabbing the textured slider and roughly caressing it with their fingers. The other man only sympathetically laughs, his tone is sweet as honey, as always. Fit doesn't deserve their friends.
"It's okay. You're trying to regulate."
“Yesterday- Tubbo, and-” Fit keeps whispering Phil's name under their breath while at the same time trying to think. “-uh, uuuuh… Pac?” Phil nods, so they continue. “And Etoiles were vocally stimming together and I-”
“You were repressing it, I know.”
He continues saying Phil's name, almost like a chant. It's so weird that random words in their tongue feel as good as this. It's so weird that literally just a magnet feels as good as this. He starts gently tapping at their own knee with their other hand, even when it's under the weighted blanket.
“Talking about Pac.” Phil starts, and the other just hums, not looking at Phil, but hearing nonetheless. “Bagi told me that if you want, you could go to their café really early in the morning, because the cats are probably not ready to be outside and there aren't many customers at that time. How does that sound?”
“I could just go to Quack's?” He is fast to say back, because even though they like Bagi, Quackity is more of an old friend. “And I literally have to go to work, Phil.”
“But Big Q is also kind of a library, so there are going to be way more people, having their morning coffee and a book. Tina only has cats. And please for the love of god don't fucking go to work for at least, I don't know, two days? It's that too much to ask for?”
“I'm literally going to bankrupt myself, Phil.” Fit echoes the other's name a bunch of times more before continuing. “I can't afford it. I have a child to take care of.”
"You can't keep taking care of everyone else and not you." Phil sighs, a loooong painful sounding sigh that almost made the other scream. "There's nothing wrong with having meltdowns."
“I know.”
"But do you apply that to yourself?” Fit keeps quiet after Phil's words. “What about this. You go tomorrow to therapy, and I can go to the gym and help out Ollie and Etoiles.”
“How the fuck do you know I have an appointment tomorrow?”
“I don't, I was just hoping you did. I'm glad you have one. Now shut up and listen. What was I saying—”
Fit chuckles and looks at Phil with a challenging smile. Then, he quickly signs:
“I can't help you remember what you were saying if you want me to shut up. Sorry.”
“I fucking hate you.” Phil says with a big smile, and then gasps. “Oh yeah! Okay so, Monday you go to your stupid appointment, and then Tuesday you go to Bagi’s café to see if you like it there, okay? I'll go to your gym both days, and then we can see how you're feeling on Wednesday.”
“Ollie’s literally going to have a meltdown from how much I'm changing their routine and Etoiles—”
“And you?” Phil is quick to interrupt. “What do you think about all of this? Does the plan sound good to you?”
“I mean, yeah. I'm always grateful if you want to help us out with the gym.” Fit shrugs and tries to disappear against the couch. Having conversations like this are always so hard for no reason. And he misses the boy.
“Great, now, what are you thinking so hard about?”
“Oh, you know, same shit as always. Smooth brain, too many concussions from war." Fit tries to joke, but Phil doesn't seem to be having it today. Fit nods and taps a fist against his own chest in a steady rhythm. It feels right. He's doing a kind of pattern with their prosthetic while also using the slider with their good hand, and still using the weighted blanket while muttering Phil’s name under their breath. His brain is practically cheering.
"I was a problem child." Fit whispers, almost as if it was a secret and all their body was not full of scars as a proof of that statement.
“Were you? Or were you just a neglected undiagnosed neurodivergent kid?" Phil is quick to shoot back, Fit glances at Phil, who's smiling widely. Then, he reaches and grabs another fidget from the basket Fit keeps in the living room. By the sound of it, it's a fidget cube. “You're allowed to grieve the child that you could have been, you know. For the family that you never got to have. For the needs that were never met."
“Just, why.” He whispers again, strained voice. Then, they registered the tears that were streaming down his cheeks again. They seem to be coming, going away, and coming away. Probably a living proof of how his own body is overwhelmed. Some of them fall on the almost worn off sticker that Ramón placed at their hand, and Fit feels again as if life was mocking them. He has been feeling that way for too long. “I just don't understand.”
Phil says nothing, because there's nothing that he could say that could erase the pain. So he just watches as Fit cries, and tries to say something from time to time, to let the other remember that he's there, that he understands, that he's in pain too.
“Most people have a narrow view of how a disabled person should look like.” Phil says after a while, now he's sitting besides Fit, who keeps caressing the soft texture of the weighted blanket while using the slider with their other hand. “That's why it's so hard to get diagnosed if you're not the complete perfect stereotype. And even worse if you're not white or a cis man.”
"I just thought— if I just.” Fit doesn't even know how to explain it. How do you explain this gut-wrenching hollow but at the same time horrifying feeling? “I thought if I, uh, just ignore it. Maybe..."
"You wouldn't be autistic anymore?”
Hearing it out loud makes it sound… so wrong.
“Just because you don't acknowledge it, or just because no one else talks about it, doesn't mean it is not there."
"It's just, confusing. Our friends talk about it so freely, and…"
"And nobody else does, I know. And sometimes it feels so isolating, I know." Phil coos. "I know it's hard to understand when the white and black thinking appears, but even if no one mentions it, they can still see you struggling." Phil sighs while he keeps using the switch from the fidget cube, a clicking sound was being mixed with a magnetic one. "Fit. You're autistic. And that will never change."
And fuck how it hurts to hear it out loud because it's feels even more real. But for some reason it also sounds reassuring… somehow. He feels like they need to cry again, but nothing comes out this time. He probably cried too much already, because they can feel the headache coming back.
"Wanna watch a stim-board?” Phil suddenly offers, making Fit absolutely confused, because he can't really tell if he's being serious or not.
"What.”
"Do you know what it is?” He asks, with an arc of brows, and Fit almost feels offended by the question.
"Of course I fucking do, I literally have an autistic son. And Tubbo is like a super fan of those.” He quickly answers back. “I’m just confused why you're asking if I want to watch it.”
“You don't want to stim most of the time, I get it, but at least you could try to visual stim, so at least your brain gets something of what it needs, while you don't suffer with your internalized ableism, because you're just watching a screen.”
“I'm just gonna ignore what you just said. Something else you wanna do?”
“I'm gonna ignore you being rude because you had two separate meltdowns in one week which is insane. Have you eaten yet?”
Fit feels his lips so dry that they hurt, and his stomach feels kind of weird. Thinking about it, he can't remember much about food being near them since the party.
"I don't think so, no.”
"Okay. Is there any food or snack that you're fixated on right now? Whatever is fine.”
"No.”
"Is that a genuine 'no' or more like a 'I’m embarrassed so I don't want to tell you' no?”
Fit sighs and lifts two fingers, silently saying it's the second option, while messing with the slider, not looking at Phil, who hums and nods, probably with a triumphant smile at his face that makes Fit take back all the good things that he had said about him ever. He misses Ramón.
"Tubbo's autistic, just like you, susprise.” Phil says with so much sarcasm that Fit groans. “And its fixated into dino-nuggets right now. Do you think he should be embarrassed of it?"
"Of course not."
"Then, why are you so hard on yourself?”
Fit thinks, but nothing comes, because he doesn't even know why. Trauma, probably.
“I hate when you do that.”
“Do what?” Phil says while he’s reaching his hands to grab his crutches.
“Being right.”
Phil chuckles while he carefully gets up, and then darts towards the door frame. He had to get up so many times because of Fit that they even lost count of how many of them were.
“I'm gonna make us some quick cheese sandwiches. We deserve them.”
Fit makes a fake cheer that makes the other laugh so hard that he wheezes. When Fit processes what Phil is doing —actually going to the kitchen—, he quickly gets up from the couch to follow their friend down the hallway and towards the mentioned room, trailing behind almost like a lost puppy playing with a toy, in this case, a fidget toy.
While the sandwich is making a subtle sound while being cooked at the pan, Fit and Phil are having a quiet conversation, well, Fit's infodumping about famine food again, while Phil just nods along, a huge grin at his face while he carefully makes sure that the sandwiches don't get burned, sat on a chair with his crutches near both of them, intensently looking at the pan.
“Bark bread was a solution to make the flour last longer!” Fit keeps infodumping while pacing around the kitchen, slider still at hand while carefully trying not to trip with Phil's crutches. “In 1742, samples of ‘emergency bread’ were sent from Norway, to the Royal Administration in Copenhagen, including bark bread, bread made from grainless husks and bread made from burned bones! Can you believe it?”
“That's kind of insane, mate.” Phil comments while humming, letting the other know that he's listening, while he's carefully lifting the cheese sandwich and placing it beside the other that was for Fit. “All ready, wanna head back?” The american nods and continues rambling while grabbing the two plates and helping Phil get up and reach his crutches. The slider is the perfect side to fit his hand and pocket, which is really convenient.
“Would you want to have communication cards?” Phil casually says while they're both eating. The cheese of the sandwich is still warm, which makes it even more delicious. Fit just looks at him a bit confused, too tired to mask anymore. He just looks at Phil's face, making a deadpan expression. Phil tilts his head a bit, confused about getting no reaction at all. "Do you know what those are? You know, those laminated pieces of paper tied to a keychain ring that have words and phrases…" Phil seems to suddenly be lost in thoughts. "I should ask Missa if bone can make some communication cards for you. I don't want to grab Ramón's."
Fit groans, debating if he should answer nicely or not. They decided that at least he should try not to be too sarcastic since Phil made them a cheese sandwich. It makes them think of when they were younger, painfully lost and not even knowing how to cook, surviving with whatever they could reach, like cheese and bread.
"Ramón is literally non-verbal, I know what those are. Don't you dare. I don't need them. And don't touch Ramón things, please." Fit glances at the weighted blanket still at the couch. “Not any more things, I guess.”
Phil sighs, a long and painfully comical one. Fit’s just enjoying their sandwich, sipping on their glass of water from time to time. He often keeps water bottles near them, since he can't really feel when they're thirsty, so when he sees any kind of water near them, he just drinks. It's a good system that works for them. He should explain it to Ramón.
"I know Ramón already has those, I'm talking about you.” He says and then continues chewing on the sandwich as if nothing is happening. “Do you really don't need them, or are you just... a little scared of using them?"
Fit looked to the side, avoiding Phil’s gaze.
"That's okay, mate."
"Mate." Fit unconsciously parrots. "Sorry." They quickly add in a lower voice, wanting to use the slider but not wanting to accidentally make it all dirty with the cheese.
“Nothing to be sorry about.” Phil smoothly answers back, almost done with his own sandwich.
After a while, they're back on the couch. Or at least, Fit is. Phil keeps going around the house, almost as if he has never been here before, or probably just pacing as much as he can with the crutches, while Fit just keeps infodumping to the air. It's actually making them feel so much better.
“Have you even had time to engage in your interest?” Phil says when he's going near the living room, almost as if he could hear their thoughts. “I can swear I didn't hear one of your podcasts in so long.”
Fit shrugged, even when they're not really sure if the other can see him right now. He prefers not to mention the fact that he has been talking nonstop about war with a completely unknown person that somehow accidentally got their number instead of his friends'. It's weird to think about, how you can get really close to someone who you don't even know how they look.
Talking about that, Fit decides to grab their phone when Phil's nowhere to be seen. He can still hear the sound of the crutches against the floor though, so it's fine. Fit's not alone today, which he appreciates. They have a bunch more unread messages.
↳Wrong number↩
>Im having one of those
>I don't know how to say it
>One of those “I appreciate my brother and I miss her so much” moments
>You know
»Do you have a sibling? Just curious.
>Oh hello!!
>Sorry for all the messages
>It's been rough
>And yeah! even though we're not blood related I have someone who I like to call my sibling
>It uses any pronouns so I like to intertwine them!!
»It's fine, don't worry. You can send as many messages as you want. /g
»And I understand don't worry, it's been pretty rough here too, that's why I haven't been answering as much lately.
»Are you okay?
>I'm feeling better I think! It's just
>I think I'm close to ADHD burnout
>I don't know, my brain is all weird
>I don't know how to write today sorry
»Don’t worry :)
»I’m also kind of weird today too, one of my friend's is here, he's cheering me up I think. He also gifted me a fidget toy which is nice.
»Wanna hear some infodump about Hans Asperger? /nf
>Could I see the fidget???? /nf
>I'm so ready to read you btw!!!!
And that's how Fit ended up infodumping to the wrong number again, unconsciously rocking back and forth, weighted blanket all over them while he uses the slider on his good hand while using the other to spam with messages. He also quickly took a photo of both of the sliders, sending them, trying not to show their hand, just the sliders placed above the weighted blanket. Phil is at the door frame, looking at Fit with a tender expression, arms crossed.
“Okay you're gonna hate me with this one.” He suddenly says, and Fit looks up at him, narrowing their eyes, waiting. “Quick nap?”
“I'm not a child.” Fit quickly answers while frantically tapping on their phone. He's answering some of the texts from Etoiles and Ollie, and also trying to warn they both of the change, knowing that Phil's gonna go tomorrow and probably the next day too.
Fit smiles when he gets a bunch of excited messages from the wrong number about their infodumping and talking about how he wants to touch those sliders too. Fit smiles at their phone, forgetting how shitty life is for a while.
“I know you're not. I also know you don't like any soothing things that will help you with your meltdown. So, nap?”
Fit groans, but listens. He also quickly asks Phil to lay near them at the bed while he's trying to sleep, because even though they're feeling extremely exhausted, he knows they're not going to be able to sleep soon, and if he keeps hearing Phil wandering around the house, he's gonna get literally crazy.
Hearing Phil's breathing is kind of reassuring in some way. Fit keeps moving around the bed, so exhausted that he can't sleep if that makes any kind of sense. He's already regretting not asking Phil to sleep on the couch. He misses sleeping on the couch, and hearing Ramón’s little footsteps all around the house, grabbing him when he gets too close to the couch and cuddling with him until everything felt better again and they both end up sleeping there.
He misses the boy. Has he said that already?
“Two dudes” Phil suddenly starts, and Fit loudly sighs, instantly regretting asking the other to lay with him in bed. This again. “Laying in the bed, one person apart 'cuz they're not gay.”
Fit turns, trying not to give the other the satisfaction of seeing their goofy smile while Phil just giggles at his own little song that was definitely not robbed from something else.
Fit decides to grab his phone and instantly regrets it when they accidently see Tubbo’s message:
↳gay ptide🏳️🌈↩
>Fit when the disability disables you: :0
He groans, turning around and shoving the phone against Phil's hands, who just arcs one of his almost invisible blonde eyebrows and explodes into a fit of laughter when apparently reading the message in question.
“I mean…”
“Don't you fucking dare, Philza Minecraft.”
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
Use tone indicators if you're gonna comment, please!
Chapter 11: Flirt with the bomb.
Summary:
Fit listens to Phil for once and actually tries to take it easy. He also decides to visit Bagi's café, and finds someone else there. Quiet conversations while sharing some coffee ensured.
Notes:
°Fit: he/they
°Pac: he/him
°Quackity: he/him
°Roier: he/they
°Cellbit: he/him
°Ramón: he/him
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
«January 16, Tuesday»
Phil decided to hang around for a long while, and Fit, even though he didn't mention it, was really grateful for that. They were feeling kind of guilty, thinking of Ramón, and Missa and Kristin having to take care of so many kids. Apparently, Roier joined the ride, so probably Dapper and Pepito were both there, too. Hopefully they all had a great time together.
Fit can't remember much of their Monday, they definitely went to therapy and talked about so many things, that the first thing he did when they arrived home was sleeping, and honestly, he had the first good dream in a while —instead of an horrifying nightmare—, and that made them wish he didn't woke up, not in a “I-don't-wanna-exist-anymore” kind of way, but in a “I-wanna-sleep-to-not-have-to-face-reality” way instead, but then Phil called them to go get Ramón from his house, so he did. Everyone agreed that it'd be better if Ramón waited until Monday afternoon to return home, so his father could try to rest a bit more before getting back together and back on track, in the sweet routine.
The first thing that Ramón did when arriving home was look up at his father, big eyes staring at them, Techno securely being grabbed with one hand, and start to sign with the other, fast as always.
“Fit!”
“Yeah, my boy?” Ramón keeps swinging his body from side to side, and Fit resists the urge to squeeze his son. Ramón also notices and mentions how Fit has the almost worn off sticker still at their hand, and Fit nods, because of course he still has it. Ramón’s eyes are glowing from excitement.
"Can you give me one of those big hugs that make me feel like everything will be alright?"
Fit makes a face, trying so hard not to cry on that exact moment. Is he, from all people, his son's safe space?
That's… that's hard to swallow.
“Of course.” Fit opened both his arms and waited until their son was the one starting the physical contact. When he did, Fit squeezed him the way he knows he likes. “We’ll be alright. We're together, we're fine.”
Or at least that's what Fit was really hoping.
To finally start to be, or feel, alright. Here, in this exact moment, squeezing Ramón, makes almost everything feel like it’d be alright. Almost.
Tuesday came so fast that Fit even felt kind of dizzy. The days were starting to blur against each other, he couldn't remember half of what they did. Phil kept his promise, as always, he went to the gym Monday, and helped both Etoiles and Ollie. He also took a picture of the three of them and sent it to Fit, who was still at therapy when they received it, and made him smile while they were crying, because it was just such a sweet picture that they couldn't help it. It also made them feel weird inside, in a good way, knowing that their friends were actually there, ready to help at any time.
Today, Tuesday, seems like the same, with the only addition of Fit having to take Ramón to school, which he gladly did. Ramón couldn't stop talking —or well, signing— about how fun it was to stay at Phil's house, with all his friends, and how funny Roier is. Apparently Leo was there too, since Ramón was very talkative about how cute Alexandre is. Ramón also mentioned that he really enjoys the company of the other kids, so apparently it was a really pleasant experience, to which Fit is really grateful for, really. He sent a bunch of messages to all of them saying how grateful he was, how excited Ramón was talking their ears off with all the things that they did together.
Fit also showed Ramón the two sliders, but after trying them for a while, Ramón decided that he didn't really like them and that his dad could keep them if they wanted to. He also had a mischievous smile, probably happy to see his father using a fidget toy so openly.
And now, Fit was lost in thoughts while peacefully walking towards Bagi's and Tina's business. He was using the textured slider while thinking about so much and nothing at the same time. They're already trying to think of more excuses for when the warm weather comes, and he'll have to still wear those gloves and long sleeves to hide from the world, with the addition of possible new friends who are not used to Fit doing that and would probably ask out of curiosity. His therapist was really gentle yesterday, even when they had to call Fit in the early hours of a Sunday. They talked about so many things, but one quick summary was a long talk about the fact that Fit should definitely start to try to unmask more, or he's gonna definitely die soon at this pace. That was hard to hear, but so necessary, too. If Phil already told them that and he ignored him, that's only their own business and no one's else.
So, thinking of Ramón having to grow up without a parent, without them, Fit decided to try to use the sliders on the street, and not just alone at home. Is he terrified? Fuck yes! But things can be done when you're terrified too, they supposed. To his surprise, no one really cared, no one really looked at them, everyone on the street seemed to be too busy with their own things. And for some reason, it was really comforting to just have the fidget on his palm. He could do this. Maybe. Probably.
Fit put on a real smile, actually excited to see Bagi and Tina after the party, mentally preparing himself to talk to them about how grateful he is after what they did for him at the party, while entering the place, the same bell from that day welcoming them again, but this time it sounded kind of melodic instead of hurting their ears, probably because he's not that overstimulated anymore. They got this.
And he definitely couldn't do this, because that was definitely not Bagi behind the counter, and not Tina either. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck, what are they supposed to do now? Would it be too rude to just turn around and run?
“Olá!” The person behind the counter, Pac, is quick to greet Fit while having the biggest smile ever. The american awkwardly waves their gloved hand, trying so hard not to panic while darting his eyes all over the place. Bagi and Tina definitely weren't around, because both of them have quite loud conversations each time they're around the other, so he's alone with Pac, the person who he literally met three days ago when he was too overstimulated to think straight, and they don't even remember half of their interactions. Great. Magnificent, even. Awesome.
At least they aren't cats near either.
He's quick to hide the sliders at their pocket.
Fit was going to try to make up an excuse, and then calmly walk away, but the man behind the counter was quick to approach them, so Fit tried so hard to keep still and just fake a smile. Hopefully the other doesn't notice.
What Fit did notice though, was the way Pac seemed to have some struggle to walk, limping. Fit can swear he didn't have that on Saturday, so he accidently frowns, trying to make it make sense. Maybe he has been working too much or something. He also notices the blue hoodie peaking under the bartender apron, which is honestly a mood. Fit would use the same comfort clothes everyday if he could too.
The apron seemed to fit Pac really well, so it seems like he's gonna be working here a long time. Makes sense, Fit minds supplies, Bagi probably needed help since Tina already had another job, at Bad’s daycare. It doesn't make it less awkward though, and they vaguely wonder if Phil already knew about this.
Fit can already hear Phil's voice saying “go fucking socialize, please.”
Wait. Thinking about it, Phil definitely knew. That's why he started talking about the café when he mentioned Pac, that old bastard. Fit's gonna—
Smile, and the other's smile gets even bigger if possible. Fit forces themselves to look at Pac in the eyes, his pure black eyes looking right back, making Fit remember that he doesn't really have to mask anymore, so he darts their eyes to his cheeks instead. Pac's freckles seem to glow under the dim light of this place, and his skin, also glowing, even seems like dark chocolate, Fit's favorite.
“How uh, how are you doing?” Pac says, hands behind his back while he gently rocks back and forth, in a subtle way of stimming. He seems to be feeling as awkward as Fit, so at least they're not alone.
“Doin’ good, doin’ good. How about ya’?” Fit was definitely not willing to explain to this —almost— complete stranger about the meltdowns, and the burnout, and the deadly masking. He puts their good hand in his pocket and grabs one of the sliders, having a hard grip on it, thinking about using it but being too ashamed to do so in front of the other. Maybe later, he can do this.
“Good too! I'm just kind of bored because no one is, uh, around.” Pac quickly answers back, and then he seems to gasp, being very expressive with his whole body. Fit likes that, makes it easier to read him. “Do you wanna have beer?”
Fit frowns. And the other's face also changes, so he could definitely see the american being uncomfortable right now.
“Uh? uhm, no, no, I don't-”
“Sorry, it's a joke!” Pac suddenly chuckles and Fit lets his body relax, knowing that they don't have to explain why he doesn't drink anymore. He faintly remembers Pac not drinking at the party either, so maybe he wouldn't judge them, but, he prefers not to mention it right now, not literally the second time ever that he saw this person, now all alone without the comfort of the presence of their friends.
Even though, somehow Fit feels like he already knows Pac, something in the way he expresses himself makes them think of…
“What do you wanna have? Now for real.”
“Uh, uhm.” Fit is back on earth by the other's gentle voice. “Just pure black coffee, please?” Pac is quick to go back to his apparently goofy personality and nods and turns around quickly, so Fit decides to search for a table, and if they choose the one which is nearest to the exit, that's nobody's business, only his. They're tempted to turn around and look outside to look for Quackity, since his café was literally in front of Tina's, but he doesn't know if that would be weird or something.
Now, darting their eyes around the room, he notices that the dim lights are the same as during the party's day, which is nice to their autistic eyes. He unconsciously touches his own hearing aids, wondering if the other noticed. If he didn't, he probably did notice all the scars on his face. Fit quickly starts messing with their slider, trying not to think about that. Not now. Happy thoughts. Ramón having a great time at Phil's house. Happy thoughts. Oh fuck now he misses the boy oh fuck.
He feels like they need a cigarette to help with their socializing, but there is a clear sign at the wall beside them that explicitly says no smoking or vaping. He also notices that they accidently sat on the only table that had no basket full of fidgets toys, and Fit vaguely wonders if it was an accident or not.
Could all the masking make him accidentally mask? That would be crazy but at the same time he'd absolutely believe it. He masks most of the time without really noticing anymore, so...
Their overthinking got interrupted by a steaming cup of black coffee being placed near their hand. Pac also seemed to grab one of the baskets with fidgets, and places it near Fit, too.
“Thank you so much.” He's quick to thank the other man and start instantly sipping on the cup. They can feel the hot liquid going down their body, it's so nice that he could probably fall asleep here right now. They ignore the fidget toys since he's caressing the slider hidden in one of their hands. No other reason.
“You're more than welcome!” Pac says back, and Fit gets kind of nervous when the other sits in front of him. “Bagi told me, ah, that you were probably coming today? so she doesn't mind if I'm not in work mode? I don't know if that makes sense, sorry.”
Pac's voice seems kind of rushed while he puts a white Monster at the table. Fit chuckles, he seems already really accelerated and doesn't need that, but they don't comment on it while just sipping on their own cup.
“I understand, you're fine, I don't really mind either.” He thought that it'd be nice to reassure the other, and by the way Pac's face seems to relax again, it was the correct option. Phil would be so proud of them.
There's a silence for a while, a good kind of quietness where both of them are just calmly drinking their respective orders. Pac was technically not an order, but still. The only thing that could be heard were the accelerated people walking down the street, probably going to work, and Pac, the mentioned keeps rummaging through the basket, probably indecisive about which fidget should he get. Both piercings that he has under his lip make a kind of metallic sound when they touch the edge of the can. He seems to be anxiously stimming, touching his own black and blue hair, —that today seemed to be meticulously taken care of—, while also bouncing both his legs under the table. Fit's legs were near his so they could literally feel and hear it. He doesn't mind though, it's not like they would ever criminalize someone for stimming. If it's his own stimming though…
“Are you, uh…” Pac starts, making the other come back to reality again. He should start paying more attention before the other thinks he's boring them or something. “I don't know how to say it—” Pac is now drumming at the table with his fingers while subtly moving with the chair. “Uh, I'm, umh, ADHD? are you…?”
Fit tilts his head, frowning, trying to understand. Pac's thick accent is pleasant to hear, and kind of distracting. He's talking about a neurodivergence, so he's probably asking if Fit is neurodivergent, too? That's kind of a weird word to know if you're not native, so it makes sense that Pac doesn't know how to say it.
“Umh.”
Pac's the one tilting his head now, almost narrowing his void-like eyes, and then something quickly crosses his face, so fast that the smile that he seems to wear all day is quickly back before Fit could start to process the other's expression.
“You don't- oh my god, I'm sorry, you don't have to, uh-” Pac is speaking so quickly that Fit vaguely fears he's gonna pass out if he keeps like that. “You don't have to answer, I'm sorry! It's just, uh- you seem? nice to talk to? The only, ugh, the only time that happens to me is when the other person is— oh god I should really just shut up I'm so sorry.”
Pac covers his face with both hands, and Fit just chuckles. That was definitely something.
But, him being nice to talk to? Fit thinks it's just the other way around, but it was nice to hear nonetheless.
“It's fine, don't worry.” They say, but decide to not answer the question, because honestly, even though they're trying so hard to accept it, it's not that easy. He wishes it was that easy. “My whole group of friends is neurodivergent, so, you know.” They shrug. It's a complicated topic, even though Pac seems to talk about it so… freely. It seems like everyone can do that. Everyone except for Fit. That kinda stings.
“Yeah— uh, yeah. I know. Yeah.”
Pac sighs and leans back completely in the chair, seeming to have given up trying to find the right fidget or something. Fit arches one of his eyebrows, looking at the devastating expression that the other was wearing, pondering if they should do this, if Pac would make fun of Fit for this. He doesn't seem like that kind of person, and he literally grabbed the fidget toy basket just for Fit, so…
After a long reassuring sip from his cup, they rummaged in his own pocket again and grabbed the textured slider, since he was using the smooth one. They clear his throat, and when the brazilian looks towards them, he slides the slider towards Pac, who gasps and quickly grabs it with the most glowing expression ever.
Fit could swear that his pupils expanded at that, and he quickly gets to messing with it while darting his eyes between looking up at Fit and looking down at the cookie shaped textured fidget. He seems genuinely happy, which makes Fit happy too. Fit doesn't even know this man, but he feels so open that it even feels like they knew each other since a long time ago.
“Oh my god Fitche!” Fit's cheeks blushed at the sudden attention and to how his name sounds under the other's accent. It sounds even sweeter than when Bagi pronounces it like that, and Fit vaguely wonders how he remembers his name. Well, they also remember Pac's name so… “This is the best thing ever, thank you!”
Fit smiles, this time a real one. Pac has the same energy as Roier, to say at least. He vaguely wonders if they could ask him about some advice with ADHD burnout, since he forgot to ask Phil, and I'd be awkward to explain the reason, Fit doesn't wanna talk to anyone about the wrong number yet. He could make something up, like it's for Quacks, or Bagi, or Niki, or something, but they don't wanna lie again to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
Now that Fit is looking at Pac's face while he keeps messing with the fidget, he also has kind of similar freckles to Richarlyson, and he vaguely wonders if Pac is another of their parents.
Fit is trying so hard to relax, knowing that the other seems to be a good person to be around, and it definitely would be easier if their mind decided to stop wandering around instead of paying attention.
It's such a weird feeling, to be autistic, and because of that being socially inept, but at the same time yearning for human connections.
“Oh my god, one of my friend's showed me something like this literally yesterday!” Pac seems so excited while fidgeting with the slider that Fit almost feels envious of him. “That's so cool! They were even the same colors!” The fake cookie makes a pleasant sound that helps Fit with focusing in the conversation.
“What a small world.” He says, and nods to themselves. “It seems like they're getting famous or something.” Another sip from his cup. “I got these from one of my friends.” He vaguely gestures at the fidget toy with their metallic hand, still caressing the cup.
Pac smiles up at Fit so kindly, that the latter almost cries. It's funny, how often they're getting the urge to cry lately. He wonders if it's because they're starting to accept tears as what they are; just another way of expressing his emotions, or just a way that their brain chooses to get out all of the overstimulation. Or both at the same time. Or, as he tells Ramón, crying also means that you care so much about something that it makes you so sad/happy that you need to physically express it in an explosion of feelings, and there's nothing more tragically beautiful than to love so deeply.
“Your friend seems really cool!” Pac's voice makes Fit come back to the conversation again. He takes a long sip of their coffee while using their good hand to mess with the fidget. It feels weird to use it in front of Pac, but seeing the other so happily stimming with it, makes something inside the american stir and want to be a part of it, too. He feels much calmer than ever. Maybe this is not as bad as they thought it'd be. His therapist is gonna be so proud, but Phil would probably be even prouder.
“Yeah, he is.” Fit faintly smiles. "You already met him, Phil, at the party.” He suddenly remembers the people that they also met there, and he wonders if it'd be rude to just ask about Richarlyson.
“Oh, I remember, sim! Tubbo talked a lot about Phil.” Pac seemed so fascinated with the fidget that he totally forgot about the white Monster still near his hand. “Are you—”
“So—”
“-sorry! I—”
“-oh, sorry, I—”
“-oh god, I did it again, I'm so sorry!”
Fit chuckles and the other does too.
“It's fine, go ahead. It was not something important, I thought you were done talking already.” Fit nods while messing with their fidget, waiting for the other to continue with what he was gonna say before Fit accidentally interrupted him. He was just gonna ask if Richarlyson was, by any chance, their kid too, thinking that Pac was done with what he was saying. Often, an accident like this makes Fit overthink and be ashamed of himself for a while, but this time, for some reason, it feels different. Pac genuinely doesn't seem to mind.
“I was just gonna ask, if, uh, you're Ramón’s dad?” Pac simply says, staring at Fit, who just darts their eyes to his own gloved hands again. It's kind of funny that they both were thinking of the same. They nod, and Pac seems content with that simple answer, because he darts his eyes to the fidget instead, which keeps making a pleasant sound each time it's messed with. “Richarlyson keeps talking about Ramón all day long, you know.” Pac chuckles and Fit smiles.
One part of Fit is cheering, hoping that this means that Richarlyson wants to be Ramón's friend, but the other part is scared and also kind of angry, terrified of the fact that someone that is not one of his friends is talking about them outside of where Fit can control it. What if someone overhears them? What if—
“Richas said that Ramón is always talking about how much of a hero his father is, how he sees you as a ‘source of light’, how you know exactly what to do and say all the time…” Pac's smile seems even bigger, this time reaching his eyes, who have little wrinkles that only make his smile even cuter and sincerer.
“My dramatic boy.” Fit says accompanied by a chuckle, shoulders kind of up while trying to hide the blush spreading all over their face. This boy.
“I'm honored to be able to meet such a hero in person, again!” Pac jokes while wiggling his blue pierced eyebrows, and Fit just chuckles again, moving one of their hands, trying to dismiss the other.
“So, you're…?” How should he put this? “You're one of Richas’...”
Pac seemed to no understand at first, expression completely changing to some kind of frown, as if he was using all his mental energy to concentrate in what the fuck Fit just asked, and then he completely relaxes again and puts back that huge smile that seems to be part of him now. Fit likes how expressive he is. Did they mention that already?
“Yeah! Richarlyson is my child, too! I share custody with some friends. Makes it easier, you know.”
Fit nods, because he knows how difficult it is to raise a child all alone. They nod again, for good measure. Pac seems to remember that he had an energy drink at his side, because he looks at it with his pupils dilating and takes a big sip. Fit takes a sip of his almost empty cup too.
"I don't know if this question is gonna sound strange, I hope not. It's just- is Ramón your, uh, biological kid?"
"Oh, that." Fit laughs a bit, flashes of when he adopted Ramón so long ago were crashing at their brain. He shakes their head when the wrong memories were coming back too. "No, no, Ramón is adopted, I was a fosterparent, and Ramón was my first foster ever, but then I decided that I couldn't live without him.” Another sip. “Sounds a bit dramatic but, you know." He shrugs, trying to hope for their blush to not be perceptible by the other. He gets really emotional when they get to ramble about Ramón. “So, uh, I worked on changing my permission from foster to adoptive parent. And here we are now.”
"Yeah yeah, I understand!” Pac has that radiant smile again, so Fit lets his guard down again. Pac doesn't seem to mind when they accidentally ramble. “Richas is adopted too, as you can tell, that's why I was asking. It's nice to know we're not the only ones.”
"All of the kids from my friends are adopted, too.” Fit nods. It's always nice to talk about the kids. “You are probably going to slowly meet them all. We tend to take care of the other's children all the time, so it's not strange if you see Foolish taking care of Dapper for example.” Fit nods to himself again, because the motion feels nice. “We unanimously decided that there are too many kids that need our help that are already alive out there and waiting for someone, so…"
And the fact that Fit is asexual, homosexual, and a bunch of other things too, but he preferred not to mention that right now to an almost complete stranger.
Pac suddenly gasps and almost drops the slider, Fit just arches one of his eyebrows while sipping. The cup is empty now. They sadly look down at the bottom of the empty cup.
“Fitche!— uh, umh.” Pac quickly gets up, and the other just keeps confusedly staring at him. Fit notices that Pac seems to be trying to let all his weight rest on one of his sides. He knows about noticing things like these because of being friends with Phil. “Do you mind, uhm, helping me?”
Fit ponders, trying to ignore their thoughts that have nothing to do with the sudden request. Whatever it is, it's probably not as bad as having to return home again and being alone with their own thoughts, so…
“Of course not, what is it?” He asks, getting up, looking at the now empty and lonely cup. Fit didn't even notice when Pac grabbed his can and probably throwed it away by now. “Just a heads up, I can't go near a cat, if that's what you need help with.” They grab his own cup and put it at the counter, where Pac was before he arrived. He drums their gloved fingers against it.
“Not cat related, I swear!” Pac is quick to follow Fit to the counter, while the latter starts reaching for his wallet. “Wait Fitche, you don't have to, uh, pay for it!” He is quick to add, exaggeratedly moving his hands around. “You're friend, you don't have to pay!”
“It's fine, I'd like to pay for it, I don't really mind, it's just a coffee.” Fit pays the bill either way. “Plus, if it helps Bagi and Tina, that's even better, you know?”
Pac is suddenly quiet while he messes with the cash. Fit vaguely thinks that he looks weird in work-mode while the black and blue haired man seems to be thinking of how to start explaining again what they were talking about before the little interruption to pay.
“Okay so you're bigger—” Fit smirks and arches an eyebrow while Pac just starts rambling in portuguese before continuing. “I mean, you're like, more tall? and stronger? than me? so— uh, umh…” They vaguely wonder if he should help him with the phrase before he gets even more red, but he decides that it's fun to hear him like that so just waits, enjoying how Pac's freckles shine when he's blushing. “—could you please help me put up a flag that Bagi asked me to? I literally can't reach it and”
Fit waits to see if the other would end the sentence, but Pac falls into a heavy silence while looking at the floor, seeming lost in thought while using the slider with one hand and tugging at his hoodie with the other. Fit figures that this conversation was probably making him think of whatever it's making him walk weirdly, so he chooses to spare him and just ignore that this happened for Pac's sake. Fit doesn't understand what's wrong, but for some reason, he feels kind of uncomfortable seeing Pac being so affected by something, it's such a drastic difference to how he is with his goofy personality, that it just feels wrong to witness.
“It's fine, I'm free right now.” Fit chooses to say in a calm tone. “I'll happily help you with whatever you need, Pac.”
Pac literally seems to shine at Fit's answer, his huge smile fastly comes back and even his eyes seem kind of different, he screams and starts to jump up and down in the spot, and Fit just chuckles, wondering how long has Pac been hurting and no one noticing that. If his back, or whatever part of his body hurts to make him limp like that, if it hurts so badly, he shouldn't be working here, or at least not all alone like this. So, the least that Fit can do is help him. Wait, a flag? He said a flag?
Before Fit could ask about what he was referring to, Pac quickly disappears through a door that was behind the counter, with a huge sign that definitely said “stuff only”, so Fit figured that he couldn't enter since they're not working here, so he waits, drumming their fingers against the counter where he previously paid the bill for the coffee. They also notice that the textured slider is there, so he quickly grabs it in case both of them forget it, because Fit doesn't do well with losing their stuff and he definitely doesn't want Pac to witness that.
The latter comes back a little later, with a questioning expression all over his face and something really colorful in his arms. Fit narrows their eyes and looks at it, it has the colors of the LGBTQ+ flag, so it's probably it.
If it looks like a duck…
“I thought you were coming?” Pac suddenly says, looking up at Fit with a weird expression and then fastly changes it to a smile again. “I mean- that's fine I just thought—”
“Oh, sorry.” The american is quick to break the other's rumble, slightly widening their eyes, and pointing at the mentioned sign now behind the brazilian. “It said stuff only so I thought…”
Fit doesn't seem to have to end the sentence for the other to understand, Pac’s void-like-eyes seem to widen when he realizes what he meant.
“It's fine, Fitche!” He adds, switching his weight again. “I should've been more explicit, I'm sorry.” Before Fit could tell the other that he shouldn't be sorry when it was Fit's mistake, Pac quickly continues. “It's not really uh, heavy? I just, uhm, need some of your height. Follow me, please.”
Fit nods, so Pac makes his way around the counter and calmly walks towards the door. Fit tries so hard not to stare to try to guess which part of him is hurting and follows behind, not really knowing what to say. They don't feel the pressure to actually say something though, silence around Pac seems fine too. That's weird, he always has the urge to fill the silence and for some reason that doesn't happen around the brazilian. It's probably because Fit is tired from all the overstimulation though.
When they're both outside, in front of the wall that they were going to use, Pac calmly explains to Fit what he wants to do while the other just listens and nods along, grateful that the other is giving them such explicit instructions while he follows slowly but securely, hanging the flag.
Fit doesn't wanna lie, they're scared as fuck right now. Having at his own hands such a huge reminder of one part of themselves that he had to hide for so long is kind of horrifying, and also kind of freeing, and also kind of scary too. Terrifying. His mind is wandering around a million thoughts per second, about all the unknown people walking by that are looking at both of them placing such a meaningful and colorful flag, with a bit of fear in case someone approaches them in not a really friendly way, looking around, trying to be wary about the people who are kind of close to them already, and also planning on their head a bunch of different ways of running away with Pac, or fighting someone if that meant protecting or letting Pac escape too. Or maybe nothing happens. He's not gonna tell Pac all of that though, he'd probably get scared away from all the overthinking.
Fit glances at the mentioned, who is looking up at the american with such a tender and excited expression that Fit can't help but blush. Pac seems absolutely excited about doing this while he also doesn't seem any kind of scared so maybe this is fine. That doesn't mean that Fit isn't quick to end the task just in case though. Safety first.
Fit sighs in a comical way when he sees Quackity approaching both of them with a smug expression, grin so huge that it almost fills all his face, beanie and sunglasses on, like always. Pac doesn't seem to notice because he's still looking at Fit even when they already finished the —frankly quick and easy— task.
“Holaaaa!” Quackity exclaims when he's already beside Pac, who quickly turns around trying to muffle a surprised sound, but failing miserably. Fit tries not to laugh. “Sorry. What are you doing, lovebirds?”
“What the fuck?”
“What does that mean?” Pac turns to look up at Fit, who was trying to explode Quackity with his mind. The one who has a special interest in ducks just laughs. Fit notices that he has a fidget cube at his hand, by the faint sound that it makes when it's messed with.
“Nada, nada.”
“Nothing, yeah, ignore this guy. Do you need anything else, Pac?”
“Não, thank you, Fitche! It was easier with you!”
Pac excitedly points at the flag, and it seems like that exact moment was when Quackity noticed the huge colorful flag that has been literally in front of him all this time.
“What the fuck! This is amazing!” Quackity pushes Fit ignoring their loud protests and starts caressing the fabric of the flag. “Vieja o viejo, lo que caiga!” He screams, Fit just stares while Pac seems to actually get it and loudly laughs. The american decides not to ask.
Fit and Pac have a quiet chat while Quackity continues caressing the flag, now using one of the switches from the fidget cube. After a while, Quackity dramatically gasps, making both of them turn around to look at him.
“Oh, I almost forgot!” He screams again. “Fit!” The mentioned looks at the one with the beanie, crossing his arms and arching one of their eyebrows. “Fit! Fit! Fit! Fit!” The other continues to say their name as if he was not literally staring down at him. “Fit! Can I caress your bald head?”
Pac explodes in a fit of laughter while Fit just sighs, wondering what it is now.
“No?”
“Oh please!” He lets go of the flag to look up at the other, sunglasses shining under the morning light, lifting for some reason the fidget cube and using it near Fit's face. “Por favor? Por favor?!”
“I swear to you Quackity, you better explain yourself right now, because what the actual fuck man!”
“Please, I wanna make a wish man! Pleeeease Fit!”
“Wait, that's how you say his name in English?”
Quackity and Pac talk at the same time, and Fit decides to turn to look at the brazilian better.
“Yeah, or uhm, I don't really know, that's how I say it at least. Is it wrong?”
“Oh no, não não! I think it sounds cute!”
Quackity makes a false crying sound and both of them turn to him again.
“I'm kind of waiting for some news, and I hope they're good news because I'm gonna lose it if they're not!”
Silence.
“Are you… like… okay?” Pac says in a quiet voice after a few seconds of pure silence between the three of them. “Tudo bem?”
“Don't mind him, Pac.”
“Mind me a lot actually, because I was being serious, I need to touch your head like right now!”
“First of all, rephrase that immediately.” Fit chuckles. “And damn, it's so fucking soon in the morning to this bullshit, what did you drink to be so hyper so soon?”
“Bold of you to assume I need anything to be like this!” Quackity puts a hand against his chest and Pac’s the one laughing now. “Haha, bald? get it because—”
“Okay Quacks, we're gonna go inside the café to properly ignore you, okay? Okay.” Fit says but actually does nothing to move, and has a little smile to let the other know that they're not actually mad, just really tired. Quackity seems to understand and quickly changes his posture to a more calm one.
“Wait, sorry, can y'all come to mine? Roier and Cellbit are there, Tommy's working today too.”
“Oh, Cellbit's here?” Pac seems to be interested in that while Fit just shrugs. Socializing so much was not inside their plans today, and even worse if they're kind of new people.
“I mean, Pac's working so I don't know if we can?” Fit looks at the mentioned, who seems to be pondering about this really hard, eyebrows almost touching each other.
“We could just all come to Bagi's café though, Tommy's not alone so I don't think he'd really mind, it would be like a little… receso, to rest, you know.”
“I don't really mind.” It's the only answer Pac offers, adding a quick shrugging of shoulders, and looks up at the american, who nods, because even though they'd rather be at home by now, he knows at least they're not overthinking so hard here.
“Awesome! I'm gonna call Roier and Cellbit, you two come back inside Bagi's place, go go!” Quackity dismisses them both with his hands while slowly walking backwards into his own establishment. Pac giggles while Fit just keeps staring at the mexican just to make him mad.
“He's so weird, I love him.” Says Pac while he's sitting again at the same table as before, letting out a relieved long sigh, and that's when Fit figures that probably being standing for so long was no good for him. They need to have that in mind.
“Yeah, that's our Quackity.” Fit grins while he grabs some more chairs from the other tables and puts them close to the table they're sitting in, thinking of the new companions. “Oh, uh, sorry, is this okay?” He asks when the last chair is placed against the table while Pac keeps looking at Fit doing so.
“Of course Fitch! Thank you, uh- I was gonna do that, uhm, too but, I'm… kind of… tired from all the work, you know?”
Fit nods and sits. Pac doesn't have to tell the truth if he's not comfortable sharing it with them. It's fine.
“Don huevoooo!”
Fit laughs and turns around, Roier's voice echoed through all the empty place and also made Pac giggle. Quackity —or any other person, really— probably already explained to Pac what that silly nickname means.
Roier energetically waves their hand at both of them while Quackity and Cellbit seem to be having a funny conversation. Cellbit had a glass of wine in his hands, which Fit found curious so early in the morning. And also, does Quackity sell wine?
Wait, why is Roier here and not working?
Roier and Cellbit decide to sit together —Fit already put two chairs really close to the other, seeing that would happen already—, and Quackity sat in front of them, so the lovers where sat at the left, Quackity at the right, Pac in front and Fit at the bottom of the table.
Quackity is still using the same fidget toy from before while Roier rummages through the fidget basket. Cellbit puts the glass of wine at the table and that's when Fit notices how long and sharp Cellbit's nails are. He almost looks like a cat, thinking about it. Pac seems to be thinking of something really hard, and Fit wonders if he's uncomfortable having to socialize with so many people at the same time like them.
“Where is Tubbo by the way?” Fit decides to ask, because two seconds of silence are too much for their brain right now. Quackity aggressively spams one of the switches from the fidget cube, and Fit vaguely wonders if he did wrong by asking that.
“Sunny's having a hard time right now, so Tubbo decided to take some time off to take care of them.”
“Oh man! I hope she's doing better, Pepito is also kind of having a hard time right now, Jaiden is helping me though, so I can just—”
Roier stops talking and makes an exaggerated gasping sound and grabs what has the shape of a cat paw but by the sound of it seems to be a clicker too. He then turns around to show it to Fit, who smiles at the enthusiasm of the other.
Fit's smile is quickly gone and replaced by a frown when they notice that Roier has a big bandaid on their cheek. It's, of course, Spiderman themed, but that doesn't make it better. Fit stares at Cellbit's nails, and then looks again at the bandaid. He doesn't want to assume but…
Their brain is already screaming at him to do something, all the alarms on their mind going off, screaming at him to not let Roier suffer in silence. Pac slightly touches Fit's hand, making the last mentioned look at the brazilian with a questioning expression and a confused one all mixed together, since he broke his panicked thoughts. Fit knows that even though their intention is to show emotion with his face, they're just wearing a blunt expression most of the time.
“Can I have the cookie again please?”
Fit needs a few seconds to understand what Pac's referring to, and then he puts their good hand on his pocket and gets the slider shaped like a cookie, successfully giving it to Pac, who thanks them with a quick nod and a huge smile all over his face. Quackity nudges them at the side with his elbow and looks up at them bashing his long eyelashes, Fit just ignores him because they're too busy panicking right now to understand what he was suggesting.
They need to think of something quickly. He just stares, while the four of them have a nice conversation about trivial stuff. Fit always liked better to just listen instead of talk, but right now he feels like they should really say something, or at least share his concerns with Roier.
“Uhm, Roier?” They say after a while, mentally kicking himself because they don't really have a plan of what to say when the other already turned towards them with a raised and really pierced eyebrow, all six eyes looking at them. Fit always thought that Roier's tattoos were so cool. “Can we talk real quick, please?” Before Roier could say yes, Fit added. “Alone, please?”
“Something's wrong?” Cellbit says, interrupting his own conversation with Quackity and Pac, looking now at both Roier and them. Fit uses all his self-control to not answer Cellbit in the most rudest way they could find.
“It's just, uhm. About Ramón's sleepover?” Fit says, and looks at Roier, who seems kind of confused but nods nonetheless.
“Of course man!” Roier gets up. “Just one second.”
Fit gets up too and walks them both until they reach the far part of the cat café, where hopefully none of them could hear them. Fit can still hear them chatting and Quackity’s laugh so they need to be sneaky if they really don't wanna be heard. He moves so Roier can look at the table, but the people at the table can't see what Fit is saying to the other.
Fit grabs a shaky breath, he can do this. They can do this without thinking of their own past, he can do this. This is not about them, this is about Roier.
“Don't kiss without me!” The scream of Quackity makes Fit come back to earth, sighing loudly when everyone except for him loudly laughs at that.
“Is Ramón okay?” Roier suddenly says, and Fit looks at them, surprised to see that Roier's goofy mask is not there, and he seems serious as ever.
“Oh yes yes, he's fine, don't worry!” Ft is quick to explain, kind of anxiously fidgeting with his own gloved hands. “Honestly it was just an excuse to talk to you alone. Are you… okay?”
Roier tilts his head, seemed confused by what the fuck Fit is talking about, and keeps clicking the fidget toy. It makes a pleasant sound. Fit grabs air again, and tries to explain it as quickly and simple as possible, hoping that the other doesn't take it bad, or think that he's not minding their own business, or—
“I just, uhm. Is your cheek okay? You have, uuuuh, a bandaid and you didn't have that before meeting Cellbit so I wanted to ask…” Fit hopes that the other doesn't feel scared and knows that he can actually talk about whatever they need with him. Fit would never forgive himself if one of their friends was experiencing the same awful situation as they did before and didn't do anything about it.
“Oh, this?” Roier points at the bandaid and Fit nods. “Oh Fit, it's okay man! Pepito was having a bad day and accidentally scratched me! It's fine!”
Fit narrows his eyes. It seems reasonable, but at the same time, he hopes this is not just an excuse. It makes their screaming brain feel better though, if this was really just a funny misunderstanding and nothing more.
“I swear!” Roier lifts two intertwined fingers. “You can ask Jaiden too, she was literally there when this happened.”
“Okay, I just wanna tell you that you can talk about anything with me, okay?”
“I know Fit, I know.” He smiles and Fit mimics the action.
Roier then moves their eyes from Fit and looks at the side, so the american turns around expecting it to be Cellbit and wondering if he should say sorry, but he smiles when he sees Pac approaching instead.
“I'm sorry but, uhm, it's the hour to let the, uh, kitties out, so…” Pac sadly looks up at Fit, who is quick to understand, nodding.
“Oh that's fine, don't worry, Pac.” The latter gives back the fidget toy to Fit. “I was already thinking of going home, no big deal.” They shrug. Technically it was not a lie since he has been wanting to escape from the socializing for a while, so.
“Ow man!” Roier is quick to protest, making both of them look at him. They have a fake pout all over his face. “But I don't want you to go!”
“It's fine Roier, I don't really mind.” Fit shrugs again. “I can just keep working on some paperwork I have and…” It's not a lie either but Fit also knows he's not really in the mood to be doing anything work related. He'll come back tomorrow though, so they really should.
“Espera, what if we just uhm…” Roier turns to Pac. “Vienes con nosotros, ¿si?” The mexican tilts his head again, clicking the paw this time in an anxious manner.
Pac swifts in his place, clearly not really knowing what to say.
“I can't Roier, I have to be here with the cats, desculpe.”
“It's fine it's fine! I just had to try, you know.” Pac nods and both of them smile. Fit vaguely thinks that they seem like they match energy or something like that.
They're glad the new people are getting along with Fit's friends. It's kind of sweet to see.
When they return to the table, Cellbit and Quackity seem to be screaming at each other but both of them have huge grins on their faces so it seems like it's fine.
“Kitty was getting lonely here without you Roier!” Quackity screams and Cellbit gasps and then starts to probably curse the other in portuguese, because Pac is the only one who laughs. Then, he starts to say it in english so Quackity can properly understand, now Fit is the one giggling.
“¿Me extrañaste, gatito?” Fit can hear Roier teasing and whispering to Cellbit while he starts to look at the table in case they're forgetting something.
“I have to go.” Fit says while putting back the chair where it belonged against the table. Quackity loudly protests and Roier follows. “See you all later?”
“You sure you wanna go already?” Quackity says this time more seriously, throwing a knowing look at Fit, who just shrugs.
“Pac needs to keep working so I don't wanna bother him more, so you know.” He shrugs again and looks at Pac. They're actually feeling quite warm inside knowing that their friends actually want him around so much.
“What!? You don't bo, uh, bother? you don't bother me Fit! It's okay! It's just—”
“No no, it's fine!”
Quackity, Roier and Cellbit giggle so Fit quickly glances at the three of them with a warning look. Quackity and Roier lift both of their hands in a surrender motion while Cellbit raises his glass of wine.
“Can I hug you? Apacho? Apachito?” Roier says, bashing his eyelashes at Fit, who just chuckles and nods. Roier is quick to put their arms around him and squeeze. He also starts swinging them from side to side.
“¡Ey! ¡Yo quiero abrazo también!”
“¡Abraza la mesa pendejo!”
Quackity starts cursing the other, so Roier lets go of them just to throw some curses back while Cellbit cheers Roier. It's quite a sight, really.
Pac giggles and Fit looks down at him, savouring the warm sensation that they're still feeling when he's surrounded by the people he loves, and apparently now new people are starting to get into that category too. They can feel Phil saying the biggest “told you” ever, to which he sighs.
“See you later?” Pac whispers and Fit nods, waving his hand quickly to him and Cellbit while the two mexican are still verbally fighting and goes out of the cat café.
When Fit arrives home, he decides that maybe some sleep could help, so they lay at the sofa, looking up at the ceiling, cursing at their own brain for overthinking right now that they're alone and trying to sleep it off. He sighs and gets up, deciding to smoke instead.
After a long while, Fit was infodumping about the 442nd Infantry Regiment to the wrong number while hearing Ramón pacing around the house. The child seemed really happy today, probably from the sudden vacation that he had at Phil's house this weekend or maybe just because his classes were good today. Whatever it is, Fit is just glad Ramón’s having a good day, even more after everything that happened and hearing that Sunny and Pepito are struggling more than the normal amount right now.
Fit has the sudden urge of shaking his good hand when they notice that the wrong number is actually paying attention to what he is saying —or, well, writing—, and actually making questions about it, so Fit decides to stim because the good feeling gets too much and they know he'll feel bad if they don't let it out. He keeps stimming even when Ramón enters the room, the child seems pretty surprised to see his father finally having a great time, he decides to sit at the floor near them and starts playing with some of his Pokemon figurines in silence, Techno near him as always.
When the wrong number sadly had to return to whatever he was doing, Fit looked at Ramón, who was happily stimming while ordering his Pokemon figurines by what Fit figures its colors, all of them meticulously placed in a line.
Fit smiles, still pretty content. This was a nice day. He wouldn't say that to Phil though.
Then, they notice Ramón having something quite shiny at his little hands.
“Ramón, baby.” He calls, and the other doesn't turn around to face his father, but Fit knows the child is listening. “What do you have in your hand?”
Ramón seems pretty excited that his father noticed and quickly turns around just to show his palm. Ramón was sitting in the forbidden ‘W’ pose, so Fit gently guides him to change it, since he has probably seen Chayanne sitting like that and accidentally copied him.
That white thing seems like a figurine too, but the colors are too off to be it. Ramón presses his hand against his father's and Fit grabs it, squeezing it just to try it, and- it's a stress ball. But instead of a ball, it's shaped like a white bear. It's kind of cute and creepy at the same time.
“I'm gonna call him C-u-c-u-r-u-c-h-o!” Ramón finger spills the name.
The smile of the child is so radiant that it even makes Fit's own grow. Then, Fit processes the name that Ramón suggested.
“Cucaracha…?” He whispers. “Like Foolish’ axolotl…?”
Ramón just nods, gets up and starts spinning in the same place. Fit just sighs and looks at the stress “ball” at their hand. It just has something on its face that makes Fit shiver…
“Ramón, you're aware this is a bear and Foolish’ pet is an axolotl, right?” Fit says arching one of his eyebrows while they keep squeezing the weird bear. Even though something about it feels really creepy, it's nice to squeeze. Ramón suddenly stops to sign.
“But it's white like tío Foosh' axolotl Fit!”
“Okay my boy, it's your fidget, you can call it whatever you want.” Fit nods to himself, knowing that there is no point in arguing with the kid, and then they move his hand, offering it back to the child, who ignores him and just continues spinning. “Where did you find it, by the way?”
Ramón suddenly stops again, and Fit fears that he's gonna fall down if he keeps doing that.
“Richarlyson gifted me it!”
“Oww that was so nice of them!” Fit smiles while he keeps squeezing the fidget. It's kind of similar to the red cube Roier has. “Did you say thank you, my boy?”
Ramón frantically nods while still spinning, and Fit mentally prepares himself to reach in case he falls down doing that.
“Do you already have a designated sign to say its name?”
Ramón stops, stumbling a bit, to which Fit reaches his arms just in case, but Ramón quickly recovers and just looks up at his father with a grin. Then, he makes the sign they all use when referring to Foolish' axolotl, which, now that Fit thinks about it, makes total sense and makes them feel kind of dumb.
Fit's phone makes the sound that he has designated for when Roier texted them, so the american puts the fidget toy shaped like a bear near Ramón’s line of toys and goes to check, just in case.
“Ramón.” Fit gently calls while scrolling through Roier's texts. “Tío Roier is asking if you'd like to go to their home tomorrow after therapy?”
Ramón gasps and Fit smiles. The child quickly approaches the adult, trying to look at their phone screen. Fit lowers the device a bit so the kid can actually see it.
“He also says that…” The three dots appear, letting Fit know that Roier's still writing. “Richarlyson is gonna be there too!”
Ramón cheers, making a screening sound that makes Fit get startled but he tries so hard to hide it, coming back to a calm smile while the child jumps up and down.
“Tía Jaiden is gonna be there too, my boy.”
Ramón happily screams even more.
ᓚᘏᗢ☕︎ᗢᘏᓗ
Notes:
I love rewatching Fit's QSMP vods and hearing Pac and him talking so awkwardly when they didn't know each other<3
JellyBee07 on Chapter 1 Tue 06 Aug 2024 05:48AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 1 Sat 24 Aug 2024 06:48AM UTC
Last Edited Sat 24 Aug 2024 06:49AM UTC
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Skinouuuu on Chapter 1 Thu 10 Oct 2024 07:20PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 1 Sat 12 Oct 2024 04:05PM UTC
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Skinouuuu on Chapter 1 Sat 29 Mar 2025 04:30AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 1 Sat 10 May 2025 09:43AM UTC
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Ahh_Nopee on Chapter 2 Sat 24 Aug 2024 09:07AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 2 Sat 24 Aug 2024 12:30PM UTC
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Ahh_Nopee on Chapter 2 Sat 24 Aug 2024 07:26PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 2 Sun 25 Aug 2024 01:19PM UTC
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jjoeyio on Chapter 4 Thu 26 Sep 2024 11:07PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 4 Fri 27 Sep 2024 07:10AM UTC
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TheFreakShows on Chapter 6 Sat 30 Nov 2024 02:57AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 6 Sun 01 Dec 2024 09:50AM UTC
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:D (Guest) on Chapter 6 Thu 23 Jan 2025 02:40AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 6 Sun 26 Jan 2025 10:50AM UTC
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NOTBlueberry_cake on Chapter 7 Sat 01 Feb 2025 12:47PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 7 Thu 20 Feb 2025 08:09PM UTC
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NOTBlueberry_cake on Chapter 7 Sat 29 Mar 2025 12:17PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 7 Sat 10 May 2025 09:37AM UTC
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1_lgbtQSMP_1 on Chapter 7 Thu 06 Feb 2025 08:01PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 7 Thu 20 Feb 2025 08:12PM UTC
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NOTBlueberry_cake on Chapter 8 Sat 29 Mar 2025 12:36AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 8 Sat 10 May 2025 09:33AM UTC
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1_lgbtQSMP_1 on Chapter 8 Mon 31 Mar 2025 06:16AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 8 Sat 10 May 2025 09:35AM UTC
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Nostalgia (Guest) on Chapter 8 Sat 17 May 2025 09:30AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 8 Sun 18 May 2025 03:33PM UTC
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Nostalgia (Guest) on Chapter 9 Fri 30 May 2025 08:34AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 9 Fri 30 May 2025 10:29PM UTC
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NOTBlueberry_cake on Chapter 9 Fri 30 May 2025 09:12AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 9 Fri 30 May 2025 10:31PM UTC
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CurlingTab on Chapter 10 Sun 20 Jul 2025 10:11PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 10 Tue 22 Jul 2025 02:23PM UTC
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NOTBlueberry_cake on Chapter 11 Mon 28 Jul 2025 02:11PM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 11 Thu 31 Jul 2025 06:43PM UTC
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TurtlePudge on Chapter 11 Tue 29 Jul 2025 04:41AM UTC
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Sunder_8 on Chapter 11 Thu 31 Jul 2025 06:45PM UTC
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TurtlePudge on Chapter 11 Sat 02 Aug 2025 02:42PM UTC
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