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"Could I stay up for a couple more minutes?" Sal had asked Arthur hesitantly after their goodnights. "I’m... feeling very inspired from… Well, anyway... I’d love to just get some thoughts down for a draft, if that's– if that's alright..." Arthur had heard the excitement in his words and seen the sparks in his eyes and replied that yes, yes he could, as long as he made sure to fall asleep in his bed, and not by the desk again. After closing the door, Arthur stood with his palm pressed against the doorframe for a minute, smiling to himself as the clickety-clack of the typewriter sounded from inside the teenager's room. He glanced up at the hall with all of its closed doors.
It had been quite the evening. Theodore had been chirping nonstop in the bathroom while Phee helped brush his teeth, her wings out and fluttering excitedly, and Chauncey had been nodding along excitedly while flossing his large black teeth next to them. They were all so happy and moved by Linus' return to them; all excited for new adventures, and the energy of the house all evening had been static and warm. Each of the children had had happy, sleepy smiles on their faces as he did the various tucking in.
"He'll be here when we wake up, right Arthur?" Talia had asked suspiciously from her bed. Arthur had assured her that he would, and she'd mumbled something in gnomish that was undoubtedly meant to sound like she was totally indifferent, but Arthur had heard the relief. He knew her well enough to recognize that she cared very deeply, even if she could come off a bit callous.
Arthur was feeling overwhelmed. He was so proud of her, of all of them. This was a big moment for them all, emotionally. The dull ache in his heart had lightened quite significantly since Linus had shown up, with his bright eyes, silly adventure outfit, and unbelievably moving speech and apology. His kiss had been honest, and oh so sweet. Healing, almost. It had left Arthur with a very different sort of heartache. His eyes prickled as he stood in the hallway, and he wrapped his arms carefully around himself to keep himself grounded. He felt warm, in a different way than his usual fire wamrth from within. Simply put, he was overcome with love.
He needed to sleep. He hadn't been sleeping properly for these last couple of weeks, he needed to sleep, and it could all wait till the morning.
He looked down the hallway once more before opening the door to his and Lucy's rooms and stepping inside. He pulled on his pajamas while he waited for Lucy to finish up in the bathroom, and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror above the bed. He looked tired yet flushed, and he absently touched his fingertips to his lips. He looked away quickly. Tomorrow. He'd think about this tomorrow. He'd give himself the night to relax and sleep on everything to adjust, and then tomorrow he could… Yes. No reason to bother Linus tonight.
There was the smallest sound from the bathroom and he turned around instinctively at the familiarity of it. The sound came again, and he went over to the bathroom door.
"Lucy?" he asked, tapping his knuckles lightly on the door. After a moment the door opened and the young boy darted past him and into his own bedroom. Arthur stood for a moment before he followed, curiously. Lucy hadn't closed the door after himself, otherwise Arthur would've known to leave him to it. Lucy was sitting on the floor with his back turned to Arthur as he entered. "Is it alright if I sit with you?" he asked softly, and Lucy shrugged.
As Arthur sat down, Lucy uttered another small sound. He had heard the sound of Lucy crying too many times, but it was mostly in the dead of night after a nightmare, and usually louder. Each little sob hurt Arthur so, but he would never tell the boy. He leaned his back against Lucy's bed, waiting for him to explain, or not explain, whatever he needed in this rare, tender moment. After a little while, Lucy turned and looked into Arthur's eyes. His face was lined with wet streaks, some going down to his neck.
"I don't know why I'm crying." His face was puzzled, voice was small and unsure. He looked down at the carpet.
Arthur cocked his head and reached out his hand. Lucy took it without hesitating and scooted next to him.
"That's alright, Lucy".
"No, really. I'm not upset. I'm not scared or anything." He tried, but then fell silent. He wiped under one of his eyes with his pajama sleeve and looked down at the wet stain.
"What are the emotions you are feeling right now? You've gotten good at recognising emotions in other people, how about within yourself? We haven't talked much about that, have we?" Arthur folded his legs beneath him and turned to face Lucy, like he would when they talked about more sensitive topics. Lucy looked down at his own hands and pet the carpet tufts down against the floor, smoothing them out.
"I don't know... I feel happy but-" He closed his eyes to think, and another set of tears rolled down. "I am happy . But it's so... MUCH! It feels too big. I don't know what to do with it all!" He shook his head and looked back at Arthur. "Have you ever felt something like that?"
Arthur looked at Lucy, his face softening and soul with it. "Constantly."
"It's stupid to cry when you're happy."
"You know, it really isn't. You can cry when you feel a lot of emotions at once, especially love."
Lucy narrowed his eyes at Arthur, but the corners of his mouth tugged slightly up.
"That's stupid."
"It’s human," Arthur smiled. He had made sure while keeping in mind his children's differences, and making sure they each knew that they were unique compared to other kids their age, also reminding them all of their own humanity. He had chosen to do this because it was such a lovely word that could apply to them all despite them not exactly being… human.
Lucy grimaced. He was not as fond of the term as Arthur would prefer him to be, but they had time. So much time. And maybe now with Linus here, maybe it would even get easier... And once again Arthur's thoughts drifted back to the man now settled back in the guesthouse, most likely already asleep. Or maybe he was cuddled up reading with Calliope on his lap. Perhaps he had set the Zenith back up, swaying to the music in his pajamas. Was his mind drifting to Arthur, like his were to Linus...?
Lucy eyed him. "You missed him a lot." It wasn’t a question.
"Yes, I did." Arthur sighed. He hadn't ever had to talk about these things with the kids before, when Linus had... left them, he'd made sure the ones who wanted to talk, got to. He himself had not expressed exactly how his heart had shattered. But right now he would be honest, he owed it to Lucy, especially at this moment. "Like a lung."
Lucy grinned, probably remembering what he witnessed through the window earlier. Then he looked past Arthur's shoulder.
"I did too... I really did, it's like.. When he left-" Lucy frowned a bit. "It felt like we weren't really complete. As a family, I mean. Which is silly because... We were all here, still. Zoe and my brothers and sisters and you-"
Arthur's heart still skipped a beat whenever any of the kids used that choice of words, and he felt his own eyes get a little teary.
"It didn't make sense to me," Lucy continued, shaking his head. Arthur loved him so, the boy had such complex theories on philosophy and science, even a good grasp on basic economics, but making real sense of human emotions was still a bit harder for him. But he had come so far, and Arthur let him talk.
"But when he came back today... It did. He belongs here. He came home." His eyes shifted to meet Arthur's, gleaming child's eyes meeting very glossy adult ones. “Right, Arthur?".
“He does. I really believe so. He might have had a… harder time realizing than us. But he eventually did, and I think that’s very brave of him. And so are all of you, for handling it as well as you have. Crying when you feel a lot is also brave, you know.”
Lucy grinned. He scooted himself closer to Arthur and sighed. They sat together, listening to the faint sound of crickets of nighttime from the open window, the even fainter sound of a click-click from Sal’s typewriter. Arthur closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of the weird and lovely little boy he was proud to call his own.
“I think you are really brave too.” Lucy said sleepily. “We’re all a bunch of brave-os. Bravelings…. Whatever a family of brave people is called.”
As Arthur got Lucy all tucked into bed, he found himself humming a familiar tune that he didn’t remember the name of. He looked at the vinyl records on the wall, some of them once broken, later glued back together with careful precision, by hands he could feel the ghost of on his own fingers.
He shut the light, closed the door to Lucy’s room (although leaving a small gap just in case), and walked over to the window. The song wouldn't leave his head, and he started singing to himself “You are here and so am I… Maybe millions of people go by… But they all disappear from view…” He didn’t remember the name of the song. He felt calmer, looking out of the window.
Outside the sun had just about set, the waves were purple and pink and glittering. Talia’s garden looked marvelous, not yet touched by the autumn weather sneaking into the days. Perhaps they could have a picnic tomorrow in the garden, the last one of the season.
“You are here and so am I…”
The van stood in the shadow of the house. Maybe they should go into town again soon. Only yesterday he’d contemplated it, and quickly shut down his own idea, anxiety clutching his heart remembering the last time he showed his face there, what he had almost turned into… But maybe it was better to go, just one careful trip at a time. For all of them, to carefully stretch their legs and hands into the normalcy of town life…
“Maybe millions of people go by…”
He looked to the forest. Sometimes he felt so very ordinary, so very human when Phee talked about her forest, because it was her forest, as much as it was Zoe’s; he didn’t always understand the connections they had to nature. But in moments like this, when the last bits of sun shone on the leaves, trunks, making the very earth seem to glow… He felt like he could understand it all. There was still so much to learn.
“But they all disappear from view…”
And at last, Arthur’s eyes drifted to the guest house. The lights were on. His hands were tingling.
“But they all disappear from view…”
He was sure the next line was the title of the song. He didn’t remember what they were. It would probably bother him all night, he probably wouldn't be able to fall asleep.
But he knew someone who probably would remember. And perhaps… Perhaps Lucy was right. Perhaps he was brave. And perhaps it didn’t all have to wait till morning after all.