Chapter Text
The door loomed in front of me, my hand hovering, close enough to touch but not quite. What was I doing? This was stupid. God I should just go home.
I had half turned from the door when it swung open. “Buck?” Josh asked, he was wearing a pair of skinny jeans so tight they looked like a second skin, and a tight shirt that barely covered his torso. There was a sweep of glitter across each cheek, and a mess of glittery hairspray in his hair.
I’d never seen Josh look like this. It was so different from the uniform at dispatch, or the more casual outfits I’d seen at Maddie’s.
He looked good, like really good. It was hard to tear my eyes from him.
“Uh, sorry.” I blushed rubbing the back of my neck. “I shouldn’t be here. I should go.”
“Is it Maddie?” The anxiety made his voice tremble as he gripped the door tighter.
“Oh God no, she’s fine.” I rushed to answer, stepping closer as I did.
“So this is a Buck specific crisis.” He nodded to himself, waving me into his apartment. Some glitter fell free from his hair as he moved, landing on his eye lashes. He blinked a few times to clear it.
I stepped in and slipped the door shut behind me. The thud it made as it settled felt significant. Something was happening here. I just wasn’t sure what.
“You could say that.” I laughed self-consciously. Why did I come here? “You were heading out, I should just go.” I waved my hand over my shoulder towards the door, but I didn’t leave.
“I can get drunk and grind on strange men another night.” Josh tossed out easily. Because it was easy, for him. He was a guy who liked guys. He probably didn’t ruin dates by calling himself an ally and refusing to admit it was a date. No, that was my instinct. To ruin things before they even started. “Okay, you’re doing some pretty heavy thinking there, sit down before you hurt yourself. You want a beer?”
I followed his order, slumping on the white couch that took up most of his living room. “Uh, something stronger, if you’ve got it.”
Josh’s living room was small, my knees hit the coffee table no matter how much I spread my legs. But the coffee table was already too close to the tv unit that took up most of the other wall.
It was small but it wasn’t claustrophobic. The couch was comfortable, plush and dotted with decorative pillows. There was some kind of modern art that mainly consisted of splashes of colours spread over the walls.
Josh grabbed a bottle of whiskey and two glasses before moving to the couch and sitting carefully. ”Is this going to be a long talk?” He leant forward and poured a healthy amount into each glass.
I hesitated, not sure what to say at all.
“Because if I’m going to be sitting here for longer than half an hour I’m going to need a change of clothes. These jeans are already cutting off circulation.” He took one look at my resigned face and levered himself off the couch. “I’ll be back, make yourself comfortable.”
I leant my head onto the back of the couch, closing my eyes and letting out a long, suffering sigh. This was a mistake. It was stupid. I didn’t make a move to leave. Instead I finished one of the glasses off and topped it back up, sipping slowly.
Grey sweatpants. That’s what Josh was wearing when he came back in. Grey sweatpants and a slightly baggy white shirt. He’d wiped the glitter off his face, and seemed to have shaken the hairspray out of his hair. The glitter would be there for a little while longer, I knew from experience that it clung to the strands like no other.
He looked comfortable. He looked hot. I wasn’t sure what to do with it.
“So…” Josh trailed off after he flung himself down next to me.
Deciding to just rip the bandaid off I let the words fall. “I think I’m bi, uh sexual that is. Bisexual. Uh went on a date, fucked it up. Ran here?”
“Okay,” Josh laughed, but not in a mean way. “I mean the bisexual part of it, isn’t new right?”
“It’s very new!” I surged forward, elbows resting on my knees.
“O-okay, how new is new?”
I flushed again. Taking a long sip of my whiskey. “Like a week?” When he didn’t say anything I rushed to explain. “I mean I’ve always appreciated the beauty of a pretty man, you know? But like in a normal way, not in a lets-have-sex way. You know?”
“Buck, I am very gay, as you know. I only ever look at a pretty man in a lets-have-sex way.”
I felt an eyebrow raise. “Even me?”
“You know how you look.” He waved an exasperated hand in my direction. Sipping his whiskey he mulled over his words. “So, ignoring the fact that most straight guys don’t ‘appreciate the beauty’ of other men, what prompted you to realise you wanted to have sex with a man?”
“Most straight guys - really? They don’t?”
“It literally comes with the territory, my friend. They might notice, but they won’t appreciate.”
I nodded slowly. Okay that made sense. “And I got jealous of how much attention Eddie and Tommy were giving eachother. I wanted the attention. I told Tommy and he-” I nodded again, faster this time, trying to draw courage. “Kissed me. And I liked it, uh… a lot.”
“You kissed Tommy, not Eddie?”
“Eddie’s my best friend, my partner. I wasn’t jealous because of him. Tommy is… new. It has to be him.”
“It has to be, huh?” His words were heavy with meaning that I couldn’t quite grasp so I ignored it.
“Yes. We kissed, then we went on a date and I told him I was an ally, Josh, a fucking ally. And then Eddie turned up and I got so flustered and wouldn’t admit it was a date, and Tommy made some joke about giant closets and then told me I wasn’t ready for a relationship, no hard feelings and left.”
“Okay.” He said slowly, unpacking what I’d said. “Wait, you realised you were queer less than a week ago, and he expected you to come out to your friends and family literally on the spot?”
“Shouldn’t I? I’ve got nothing to hide. Everyone loves you, and Hen. So it’s not a big deal. Right?”
“Buck, you deserve time to come to terms with it yourself before giving it away to everyone around you. You come out on your own time, when you’re ready and no one, especially not someone who understands how scary and overwhelming it can be, should push you on it.”
I felt tears welling in my eyes. I blinked them back. There was no reason to cry.
“But, if he isn’t ready to hold your hand through it, then it’s better that he walk away now. Some people aren’t cut out for the emotional lifting of a relationship. You’re better off without him.”
“But he was my-” I sucked in a deep breath. “I’ve only kissed him, he’s the first and only man I’ve ever enjoyed kissing. What if I go on this whole bisexual journey and come out and it turns out I’m just straight and I don’t know… wanted the extra attention?”
Josh’s eyes widened. “Firstly, it doesn’t matter how many men you’ve kissed or anything, if you feel an attraction to men then that’s that. And second, what extra attention Buck? You squirmed away from the prospect of attention from Eddie about it, it’s clearly not about that.”
“How do I know if I have an attraction to men if so far it’s just him?”
“That’s something you have to figure out for yourself,” Josh chuckled.
I turned slowly on the couch, tilting my head slightly as a familiar smirk grew on my lips. “Unless…”
He scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Come on, you just admitted you want to have sex with me.”
“I did not admit to that.” He’s adamant, but there’s a pretty blush working its way up his face.
“You kinda did.” I wish I could blame the alcohol for acting this way but, I really hadn’t had enough. It felt easy.
“Look at you.” He groaned, covering his face. “Everyone wants to have sex with you.”
I laughed, easily. Finishing off my drink and pressing the empty glass onto the table gently. “Just a kiss, one little kiss.” I wheedled, my voice low and whiny.
I expected him to laugh, tell me to get a clue and leave. But he doesn’t. He surges forward on the couch, his knee knocking against mine as he leans into my space. His hand lands on my knee for balance, the other tangles in my hair as he pulls my head into a better angle.
And then he’s kissing me, it’s soft and gentle for all of two seconds before his lips open against mine and his tongue slips through the gap.
I groaned, opening my mouth and letting him in. My own hands gripped his waist tight enough that my fingers began to ache. I pulled him over, lifting slightly until he twisted and settled on my lap, one knee on either side of my thigh.
He pulled his lips away from mine with a laugh, “Not just Tommy, then?”
“I don’t know,” I bit my lip to hide a smile. “I’m not sure yet. We should do that again to be sure.”
He threw his head back as he laughed, Adam's apple bobbing slightly. I almost lunged forward with the need to get my teeth into the skin of his neck. It started gentle, almost wary but the second he groaned and ground down against me I latched on hard enough to leave bruises.
“Fuck. Fuck.” He whined repeatedly. “Buck… we should-”
“Definitely keep going.” I interrupted, dragging him down again until we were pressed together. Cocks touching through my jeans and his sweats.
He pulled my face away from his neck and slanted his lips against mine in what could only be described as a kiss in the loosest sense of the word. Our lips were open and barely moving together as we panted into each other's mouths.
I was thrusting up towards him as he bore down onto me. Touching and grinding against each other like we’d die if we took a second to breathe.
His hand that was in my hair clenched suddenly and my head snapped back at the force. A whine escaped my mouth as I… came in my underwear. Like a teenager. Fuck.
The embarrassment disappeared as Josh’s eyes slammed shut and he followed immediately. His knees clenched around my thighs as he shook through it.
“Manhandling does it for you, huh?” He panted against my lips.
“I guess so.” I flushed, pulling away slightly. I wiped the wetness off my lips with the back of my hand. Josh watched me do it, his eyes dark, pupils dilated, before he did the same.
Neither of us moved or said anything for the longest time. It was nice. Neither of us rushing to leave, or to have a conversation, or to apologise or explain what had happened.
But eventually my mind began working overtime. It wasn’t just Tommy then, it was guys in general. And I could now recognise that my “he’s so cool” thoughts about Josh were never just platonic. I thought he was hot, I just wasn’t ready to accept that.
But he was Maddie’s friend. He belonged to her more than me, and if I’d ruined things. If I’d just made things awkward between all of us-
“Are you spiralling?” Josh poked at my cheek. “Three minutes post orgasm and you’re spiralling. Should I be offended?”
I choked at his upfront approach. Fighting back the urge to bite his finger where it still hovered near my face. “I don’t spiral.”
Josh levered himself off my lap, but instead of moving away he just flopped down and rested his head on my thigh. Kicking his feet over the arm of the couch. “We both know you’re lying, Buckley.”
“I just-” I bit my lip before forcing myself to speak. “Sex complicates things, I don’t want it to complicate whatever we had.”
“What we have , is friendship.” He rolled his eyes before slipping them closed. “Friends can help friends have orgasms without making it weird. Unless it’s weird for you?”
“This may have been my first time doing anything with a man, Josh, but I know the concept of friends with benefits.”
“Oh I’ve heard all about your slut era, Buck.” Josh patted my leg. “I am glad to help usher it back in.”
“So there’s no… feelings?” I asked, sidestepping the way my heart skipped a beat at ‘slut era’. I couldn’t tell if it was excitement or shame. Josh said it so easily, as though it was normal, as though everyone had one.
“Not on my part. My plans for tonight included getting drunk and getting off, and here I am half a whiskey and one orgasm in. Absolutely no complaints.”
I finally let a full laugh out, “One orgasm in?”
“Oh, you didn’t think I was done with you?” His face split into a downright dirty grin. “Do you know how long I’ve waited for this opportunity?”
I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Since the first time I caught you staring at my ass when you picked Maddie up for dinner.” He stretched a little, arching his back so his oversized shirt pooled around his chest leaving a sliver of his stomach bared. My mouth watered and I swallowed with a click.
Josh’s physique wasn’t like mine, it wasn’t hard lines of carefully trained muscle. And it wasn’t soft curves, carefully maintained like most of the women I’d been with. It was soft in a way that showed he sat in one place for a living, and probably left work at the end of the day too tired to work out. Maybe he ate more treats to get him through the day than he should, without the obsessive need to work it off that dominated my mind.
He looked good. And for the first time since I’d met him I let my eyes take it in. Without thinking I snaked a hand out, slipping it up his torso so his shirt rucked up further.
Josh, without any discomfort leant forward and ripped it over his head. When he laid back down, he tilted his head slightly so he could see me better.
“I kind of just want to bite you.” I admitted, trailing a hand up his chest. “You look very biteable.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” He nodded decisively. “And given the bruises I am already going to have to explain at work tomorrow,” he pointed at the neck, where an imprint of my teeth were darkening into bruises, “I’m tempted to just let you.”
“But?” I asked when he didn’t elaborate.
“You haven’t asked nicely.”
“I am not begging to be allowed to bite you.” I scoffed, but I couldn’t deny I was interested. Especially not with his head so close to my cock as it hardened.
“I think you should beg,” Josh laughed but it was heavy and dark, full of promises. “You’d look so good begging. On your knees like a good boy-”
Whatever he was going to say next was cut off as my body surged, hips flexing. He grabbed a handful of my shirt to stop himself being bucked completely off.
“Okay,” he breathed. “Praise kink is definitely a yes, yes?”
“I don’t… I didn’t know it was.” I scratched the back of my neck.
“No one has ever called you a-” I slapped my hand over his mouth before he could continue. He pressed a kiss to my palm before I removed it. “What a waste, because Buck I know you would be such a-”
I cut him off again. “Stop it before I embarrass myself even further.”
“What, you gonna come in your jeans again?”
I flushed, pushing him off my lap. He didn’t go far before he crowded into my space again.
“We’re going to go again, right?” He asked, and I nodded immediately. “Then why the blushing, and the embarrassment. If I can get you off with a little praise, dude that makes my job so much easier, come on.”
“Most people don’t enjoy a hair trigger.” I rolled my eyes.
“Uh maybe women don’t but I don’t need your dick to be hard for us to fuck.” He pointed obnoxiously to his own which was pressing against his sweatpants so much I could see a clear outline. I bit my lip and swallowed audibly.
“Fuck, that’s hot.” I whined.
“Have you ever…” he trailed off meaningfully, moving until he was straddling my thighs again.
“Once or twice.” I answered, biting my lip as I considered my next words. “You would not believe the bag of toys Taylor brought when she moved in.”
“She brought a bag of toys and still never told you what a good boy you can be?” Josh laughed as he had to roll his body to avoid being knocked off as I jolted so hard at the words. “She was missing out.”
“So just to clarify you’ve had things in your ass before today?”
I felt my cheeks flush as I forced myself to meet his eyes. “Yes.”
“And you enjoyed it?”
“This feels like a performance review or something.”
Josh glared at me until I answered.
“Yes, I enjoyed it.”
“Then why are we still in the living room?” He shifted off my lap and helped tug me to my feet.
#
“I can’t believe you went almost comatose.” Josh laughed as he wiped my body down with a wet cloth.
“Is that something you’re allowed to say to someone who has actually been in a coma?” My body was still trembling slightly at the force of the orgasm that had come god knows how long ago now. It had been the third in a night, the most I’d had since Buck 1.0.
There had been something about Josh buried inside of me, a hand stripping up my cock with a grip that was almost too tight, and his hushed whispers of “Come on Buck, I know you can do it. You’re so pretty when you come, such a good boy,” that had me seeing heaven.
It had taken me a while to come back around, and Josh had been stroking my hair and whispering sweetly to me when I did.
“Buck I talked to you for twenty minutes and you barely even noticed I was here.” He shot me a shit-eating grin, one that showed more ego than I had ever seen from him before.
“Next time,” I hissed, “I’m finding your kink and then I’m going to make you eat all of your words.”
“Next time, huh?” He dropped the cloth and moved so he was laying half on top of me. Chin digging into my chest slightly.
“Josh I have never had an orgasm like that in my entire life,” I admitted. “I’m not fucking walking away from that unless you want to.”
“Hey you were the one who said ‘friends with benefits’.” Josh shrugged. “I can do that. Just don’t go falling in love with me.”
“Now you’ve jinxed it.”
“Your heart isn’t yours to give away anymore, Buck, and we both know that.” Josh softened the seriousness of his words.
I tried to ask him what he meant. But something told me I wouldn’t like the answer so I bit it back.
“Well don’t fall in love with me either.”
“Don’t worry Buck, I won't ask you for more than you can give.”