Work Text:
You’d think after years of working himself ragged and coming home way past sunset, Kondraki would be grateful for a day like today, when he could come home early. And yet stepping over the threshold into his home a wave of exhaustion hits him. It’s barely the afternoon, the sun still shining through the curtains, and all Kondraki can think of is a nap.
He can tell Clef feels it too, there was a moment on the road home where he was half sure Clef was about to nod off at the wheel. After everything they’ve been through that would certainly be a way to go. A single bleary glance is all Kondraki needs to know they’re on the same page.
Clef’s cat, the ugly little thing, has already made itself comfortable on their shared bed. Clef tosses it off the bed and kicks off his work shoes. Arms outstretched, he lets himself faceplant into the mattress, his cat quickly jumping back onto the bed next to him. Kondraki lets himself collapse too, still in his work clothes. He just needs a second to rest his eyes and then he’ll change…
Crack!
In a second both men are back on their feet, Kondraki with his back to the wall and Clef holding his frightened cat up in the air. Their bed frame has collapsed, leaving their mattress up at an angle. Slowly they circle around the bed, finding the point where the wooden frame snapped. They look at each other, equally dumbfounded.
“I didn’t do it this time!” Clef says, letting his cat squirm out of his grasp.
“How did this even happen?” Kondraki drops to his knees to get a closer look. There’s no way fixing this would be worth his time. “Damn.”
They spend the next half hour propping the mattress and boxspring up against the wall and hauling the remains of the bed frame outside. Kondraki swears there’s something that makes those stupid cat toys appear under his feet whenever he’s not looking.
“What a hassle,” Kondraki groans, finally peeling himself out of his sweaty clothes. He lays back on the mattress and Clef lays next to him. “Do we have, like, an Ikea nearby? A Home Depot? I don’t want to sleep on the floor tonight.”
“If we’re going out, we should get a new mattress too,” Clef says, propping his head up on his hand. “This one’s starting to get worn out.”
“It’s ‘cause your cat keeps tearing it up when you’re not looking.”
“My cat’s never done anything wrong ever,” Clef protests.
They lay in total silence for a long time. Kondraki sits up with the groan.
“Let me take a shower first and then we can head out.”
…
Twenty minutes later they’re loading into Clef’s truck. Kondraki would prefer his car but Clef’s has more storage space. Besides, they might as well drop off the remains of the old frame and mattress somewhere before they get a new one.
“Okay, the closest Ikea is about twenty minutes away,” Kondraki says, reading off the GPS. Clef hands him the keys. “Oh, I get to drive?”
“I drove us home,” Clef explains, already in the passenger's seat.
“In that case, it’s about ten minutes away,” Kondraki says, stepping on the gas. Clef’s truck makes the angry sort of sputter you’d expect from a car being crushed to bits. One of these days this thing is going to crumble into dust with them in it.
“Fuck- You’re going to give me a fucking heart attack,” Clef wheezes, one hand gripping the car handle for dear life and the other gripping his chest. “If you’re going to kill me I’d rather you do it with your hands, not your driving skills.” Kondraki swerves into the lane over and speeds forward right as the light goes from orange to red. “What’re you going to do if we get pulled over, neither of us have a license.”
“It’ll be fine, if we get pulled over I’ll just use this.” Kondraki pulls a spray bottle from his pocket and drops it in Clef’s lap. Clef would’ve said something snarky about keeping his eyes on the road, but he’s more preoccupied by the Emergency Class-A Amnestics.
“Why do you have this?”
“Says right there on the label, for emergencies.”
“Why don’t I get shit like this?”
Kondraki side-eyes him.
“Point.”
They make a stop at the dump to drop off the frame and mattress. With no tact, Kondraki swerves into the Ikea parking lot, parking diagonally in a way that takes up two spaces. Clef kicks the door open and steps out. He uses the side mirror to check his teeth.
“Discounting the detour, you did make the drive in twelve minutes. Fuck you, though.”
“Haha, alright!” Kondraki cracks his knuckles and double checks all his pockets. “So just a mattress and a bedframe, yeah?”
“Yep.” Shoulder to shoulder, they walk inside.
“I guess we’re just here for a whole new bedspread. Shouldn’t take that long. Oh!” Kondraki perks up, “Don’t they also have a food court here!?”
“Is that right? Why?”
“I’m hungry.” Foundation lunch is never quite filling.
“I was telling you in the car we should stop by McDonald’s and you just drove right past it.”
“I don’t like McDonald’s, besides, aren’t you banned there?”
“That’s why you would order for me!” Clef tilts his head up, catching a whiff of cooked food in the air. “I hear the hotdogs are always cheap here.”
“I think you’re thinking of Costco… They do have good meatballs though!”
Clef considers this. “I could go for Swedish meatballs, you’re paying though.”
“Fine, where’s the food court anyway?”
They stop in their tracks, finding themselves surrounded by hardware material. Kondraki thought he was following Clef and Clef has not been paying even the slightest bit of attention to his surroundings. Kondraki backtracks until he finds a sign pointing to the furniture section.
“We should go this way,” Clef says, very carefully grabbing Kondraki by the wrist and not the hand. The maze of hardware supplies opens up to a wide open area of furniture displays.
“But wait- I thought I saw a sign- maybe it’s-” Kondraki stops and looks back over his shoulder. Clef yanks him forward.
“This is where we’re supposed to be.”
“But? Food? That way?”
“You’ll survive without your balls. Come look at the furniture with me.”
“Don’t… say it like that.”
They wander between displays as if they’re in a museum. Clef lets go of Kondraki and sits down on a couch.
“Alto, I don’t think that’s a bed.”
“I’m just sitting down.” He pats the empty seat next to him, which Kondraki takes. “It’s nice, right?”
Kondraki sinks into the cushions. “This is really nice.”
“Picture it.” Clef holds up his thumbs and forefingers, making a rectangle in front of his face. “TV right there, coffee table in front of us. Oh-! Look at that!”
“Sounds real nice,” Kondraki says, leaning in to rest his head on Clef’s shoulder. Before Kondraki touches him, Clef is back on his feet and poking around in one of the kitchen displays.
“Look at this,” Clef says, running his fingers over the countertop. The cabinets are painted a rustic brown which looks nice with the gray stucco countertop. “I can see my reflection in this.”
“Oh wow this is a really nice counter,” Kondraki says, in awe. He freezes in place, his cheeks turning pink. “Alto, I just realized we’re old.”
“You just realized this?” He audibly smiles.
“I mean I knew we’re both pushing sixty by now, but look at us! Getting excited over counters and couches. I didn’t think I’d make it to thirty.”
“Heh, well, I guess we should be grateful then.” Clef smiles, feeling a little silly despite himself. There is something funny about the two of them lasting long enough to get excited like this, it’s almost- oh no. Oh no, this is a very dangerous train of thought for him to be on. Pretty soon he’ll be planning their wedding like some sort of sap. “I uh, I think I see the food court behind you.”
“Oh, yes!”
They approach the counter. A young man in uniform greets them.
“Hello and welcome to-”
“Yeah, can I get a plate of meatballs?” Clef says. Kondrai elbows him in the ribs.
“... and anything else, sir?”
Clef looks at Kondraki who shakes his head. “Nah, that’s it.”
“Alright, that'll be 5.99, plus tax. Will that be cash or card?”
Kondraki digs out his wallet and steps forward. He swears he had cash on him earlier but apparently he doesn’t. Instead he pulls out his card and swipes it through the card reader. The card reader flashes red.
“Your card declined, sir.”
“Huh?” Kondraki swipes it again, getting the side result. He flips the card over to examine it and Clef leans in.
“Ben… This card expired five years ago.”
“Ah shit- must’ve grabbed the wrong wallet…” He snaps the expired card in half and slips the pieces back into his wallet to be disposed of later. “I don’t have any cash on me…” He gives Clef a weak shit-eating grin. Clef makes a show of rolling his eyes, pulling out his wallet, and forking over his non-expired card.
“Would you like a receipt with that, sir?”
“Why the fuck would I want a receipt for some meatballs? The fuck am I gonna do with that? Return the meatballs? Take a bite out of half of them and then try and ask for a refund? Yeah I’ll take a receipt.” Clef snatches the receipt up and stuffs it in his wallet next to other receipts that were who knows how old.
“Oh… kay? Here you go, sirs.” He hands them a paper bowl of fresh meatballs.
“Mmmmm balls.” Clef takes a bowl and they make their way towards the aisles.
“You can be quiet.”
“Says you.” Clef pauses at the edge of the food court. “Do you think anyone would stop us from walking around with these?”
“We fucking paid for them, they better let us eat here.” Kondraki reaches over Clef’s shoulder with a fork in his hand, but he moves out of the way before Kondraki can skewer a ball.
“Now hold on.” Clef lays his palm flat on Kondraki’s chest and shoves him back. “I think we had a deal where you could buy meatballs for yourself, but I seem to recall someone forgot their cash.”
“You wouldn’t do this to me…” Kondraki says, very seriously.
“I don’t know… hm…” Slowly, making a point to smack his lips and chew audibly, Clef brings a delectable Swedish meatball to his mouth. “These are pretty good, I could go back for seconds.”
For a moment, Clef can’t tell if Kondraki is genuinely distraught or if he’s just making that face to be silly. It shouldn’t bother him this much either way.
“You know I’m fucking with you,” Clef scoffs, putting the bowl in Kondraki’s hands. Turning around, Clef takes the lead, dragging them further into the aisles.
Aisles of hardware supplies become aisles of lamps and ceiling fans become aisles of disassembled furniture in boxes become aisles of hardware supplies… again. Are they going in circles? Kondraki hasn’t seen a single trash can.
“Are we going in circles?”
“Are we?”
“You could try to be helpful.”
“Could I?”
Kondraki rolls his eyes, but he freezes up when a cold chill runs down his spine. “Clef,” he says softly, “do you think there’s a chance we’re in one of those infinite Ikeas?”
“What?”
“I mean I haven’t seen an exit or another person for a while now, and these aisles keep repeating, what if we accidently went into a fucked up Ikea and we’re stuck here now?!”
Clef blinks slowly. “Konny, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“Can’t you take anything I say seriously?”
“Maybe I will when you start saying real words.”
They turn into an aisle of carpets and pillows. As is law, Clef drags his hands across each and every carpet sample on display. A pillow with embroidered green butterflies catches his attention. He drags his hands across its surface, feeling the threads under his fingers.
“Hey ‘Draki! Look at me!”
Kondraki turns just in time to get a plastic pellet to the face. He glares down at Clef, who looks way too proud of the toy gun he found. “Put that shit back.”
“I’m not your fucking kid.” He sticks his tongue out.
“You act like a fucking kid sometimes.” Hand outstretched, Kondraki marches forward with the intention of wrenching the toy out of Clef’s hands. Clef hugs the toy to his chest and squirms away.
“Hehe- cut that shit out-!” He shoves at Kondraki’s face and knocks the empty paper bowl out of his hands. Neither of them are quite made for play fighting anymore. Clef steps back and trips over his own feet, pulling Kondraki down with him. Their squirmish turns into more of a squirm on the floor.
“Hey! What’re you two doing!” A security officer shouts, making both of them freeze. They scramble to their feet, trying to look presentable while covered in floor dust.
“Hello officer, we were just-” Kondraki starts.
“We’re doing nothing!” Clef finishes.
The officer marches forward, wearing a scowl. “I think I’m going to have to ask the two of you to leave the premises.”
“Uh, well about that-!” Kondraki pulls the bottle of spray amnestics out of his pocket and sprays the officer in the face. “Run!” He snatches up Clef’s hand and bolts out of the aisle.
“Wow, those really do come in handy.” Clef looks over his shoulder, watching the coughing officer disappear from view.
…
“Oh thank goodness,” Kondraki says as the furniture displays come back into view. Somehow they’ve done a full circle around the entire Ikea and they’ve made it to the beds. The second Kondraki lets go of Clef’s hand Clef crawls into the first bed he sees. “What are you doing?”
“Testing out the beds.” Clef worms under the blanket, looking infuriatingly comfortable. He looks up at Kondraki, only his eyes peeking out under the blankets, a smug look plastered on his face.
“There’s people here.” Kondraki eyes up an Ikea worker who hasn’t quite noticed them.
“So? Since when do you care about making a scene? Mr ‘threw cat piss on a literal vampire’.” Kondraki has to admit he had a point. “Come on. Lay down for a second. How are we going to find the perfect bed and mattress if we don’t even try them out first?” Clef slaps the space next to him.
“Fine.” Instead of walking around to the other side Kondraki crawls over Clef to lay down next to him. He crosses his arms over his chest and rests his head against the embroidered pillows. “God damn- have we just been sleeping on a shitty mattress this whole time?” Kondraki says, exhaustion creeping into his voice.
“I know right! We shoulda broken that bedframe ages ago!”
“Uh… sirs? You’re not supposed to lay on these beds.” The Ikea worker Kondraki had been eyeing tentatively approaches them.
“Ugh, five more minutes.” With some effort, Clef yanks the blanket out from under Kondraki to cover his head.
“Just a second,” Kondraki waves his hand dismissively. “Actually, while you’re here, where do we go to buy this?”
“Oh, well, I can show you where to find it! I really do need you to get off the display bed…”
“Yeah alright,” Kondraki forces himself up. “That means you, Clef.” He jabs Clef in the ribs. “Where did you say we could get this set?”
…
Upon return home, they bring the disassembled bed frame to the bedroom and lat the pieces on the floor. Kondraki takes a minute to kick all of their clothes into a corner so they have plenty of space to work.
“I hate this part, they should make furniture that assembles itself,” Clef says, counting screws.
“It’s just a frame, can’t be that hard.” Kondraki rolls up his sleeves. “Hand me that instructions booklet.”
Clef picks up the instructions, taking a second to thumb through the pages himself. He finds them oddly devoid of any words he actually understands. “Hey uh, you can read swedish, right?”
“Oh, fuck off.”